#i dont want to give you some empty positivity bullshit

[valtsv]

hello hi hoping this isn't a strange thing to ask but how do you keep yourself from clawing your own skin off when around abusive family?

i'm too poor atm to get my own place and not sure how much longer i can deal with their bullshit

well. i didn't is the thing. i self-harmed (and still do) a lot in response to the abusive circumstances i was living in. it's an ongoing nonlinear work in progress. one that's probably going to last a lifetime.

however, there is hope, and as hard as it is, you owe it to yourself to cling to and fight your way towards realising that hope, no matter who or what tries to take it from you. i took the first viable opportunity offered to me to escape from my family, at least physically. it was terrifying, and i'm still a patchwork thing barely held together by spit and a prayer, but i'm still so glad i took it, because it literally saved my life. you have the power to save yourself, too - with help, if you need it, if it's available, but YOU are the one who is going to dig yourself out. that's your achievement. it's not too late. it doesn't seem like it now, but if you keep clawing your way forward, one day it will be within your reach. and there'll be hands waiting to pull you up when yours thrusts out into the open air and sunlight. i promise. because one of them will be mine.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Alright, today yesterday I read chapters 17-21 and I sure have a lot of thoughts about Rhysand now. can you guess if theyre positive or negative? I'll give you a hint, its not the one that starts with a p

But before we get into that, can I just say, why the hell is everything happening so goddamn quickly YOURE ALL IMMORTAL. like, heres a rough timeline of acomaf so far: three months of Feyre being miserable in Spring post-UTM, then Rhysand takes her for one week, then Feyre's back in Spring for three weeks, then Rhysand takes her again for one week, then its less than three weeks of Feyre being back in Spring before Tamlin locks her in the manor and Rhysand and Mor take her back to the Night Court. Its been barely half a year! The reason Im bringing that up is first of all, it very much seems like Feyre is already beginning to warm up Rhysand at this point when that is absolutely not enough time for that after what he did to her. And second of all, theyre already demanding so much of her when everyone except for Rhys hasnt even spent 24 hours with her in total. And she just agrees to everything?? Right off the bat, basically the only way this makes any sense is if Rhysand is mind controlling her

Also, this is only semi-related, but i swear I remember Mor wearing a red dress to their first get-together at the HoW and Feyre not reacting to it at all ?? Also, Cassian siphons, they were specifically like a fire-y red what the hell. Now, was that just a mistake or did Rhysand use his mind powers to turn off the part of Feyre's brain that gets triggered at the sight of the color red so she wouldnt ruin his family reunion? You decide.

Alright, now lets talk about Feyre. Ive had some trouble properly analysing her the past few chapters because I was really focused on trying to figure out what exactly made her so unhappy at the spring court vs why she likes the night court so much when they seem very similar. It seemed like her motivation was flip-flopping all over the place, similar to chapters 1-3, but she already came across as far less traumatized somehow, so it felt weird that she would still have so much trouble really articulating what she wants, even to herself. But then I realized, its not that shes flip-flopping, her motivations are just contradictory; she wants to be an important political player who gets to Do Stuff but she doesnt want anyone to pay any attention to her, which is why having an empty title and no actual power staying in a city full of people who dont care if their high lord is just walkin around right beside them is so appealing

And its really frustrating because its another instance of her just getting what she wants right away instead of having to go through any character development. Shes bad at communicating and instead of even attempting to work on that, she just gets a mindreader for a soulmate, and she cant do smalltalk with nobles in order to earn their respect as Lady of Spring and instead of learning to adapt or putting her foot down and refusing to deal with the courtly bullshit at the cost of her political power, she just gets a leadership position that was quite literally made for her.

Somewhat related to Feyre being bad at politicking, they keep bringing up the fact that Tamlin just wanted her to throw parties and wear pretty dresses and maybe pop out some sons at the spring court and its just so annoying. Of course, much has already been said about how ironic it is when you consider how she ends up in ACOSF so Im not gonna go into detail on that but I did want to mention it. Also, parties and other social gatherings were a pretty important way for (noble) women who were kept out of politics to still participate in them in the past, and even if we take out the misogyny that just suddenly materialized in this book, Feyre cant read, doesnt know this land and barely knows what its like being the daughter of a rich guy, much less an actual noblewoman, of course she cant do much but sit around and reassure people that everything is gonna be alright by virtue of her presence

Speaking of the weird misogyny, its so baffling to me the reason shes being objectified and dehumanized (no pun intended) is that shes a woman whos seen as only good for child-rearing, when it really should be her being objectified and being dehumanized by being put on a pedestal for being the Saviour Of Prythian. It seems so obvious like, Ive been rotating some ideas for an ACOMAF-rewrite AU type thing in my head since before I even started reading this book, and one of the first things I decided was that everyone was gonna call feyre The Cursebreaker and nothing else and she would feel really weird and bad about it. I literally dont think anything wouldve changed if her being objectified was a more personal issue rather than something resulting from systemic misogyny, other than the fact that Rhysand couldnt be a feminist in-universe if that was the case

Now, before I move on to the next thing I wanted to talk about, I wanna quickly explain what I mean by "the misogyny just materialized in the second book" because some people might say "oh, but the first book had misogyny as well" and it definitely did but not to the same extent. ACOTAR was kinda weird because it seems to be a pretty egalitarian world, Feyre doesnt think its weird that a woman is a mercenary and while considering that the Spring Court might have a High Lady instead of a High Lord, she doesnt say anything about how it would unusual to have a woman be a leader, but it has this coating of "period-typical misogyny" over it, seemingly just because its what you expect from these kinds of pseudo-medieval european-inspired fantasy settings

So you still get all women being expected to wear dresses and Feyre being an exception for not wanting to wear one and when Feyre daydreams about getting rid of her sisters, she daydreams about marrying them off rather than daydream about them getting jobs or something. But even with that, while Feyre is considered a bit strange for not wanting to wear a dress at the Spring Court, she still ultimately gets to just wear pants without it being a big deal. And then we get to ACOMAF and suddenly theres FGM thats completely normalized, domestic abuse, women being expected to do child rearing and "continue the bloodline" by default even though children were supposed to be super rare and fae should absolutely not structure their lives around them and Feyre being absolutely baffled at the idea of a political leader having a second-in-command thats a woman. And again, it very much seems like the only reason for that is that it makes Rhysand look better if hes recuing women in general from systemic inequality, rather than just rescuing a single woman from her personal problems

And with that, lets finally talk about my most detested, Rhysand Nolastname. He fucking sucks man. In a past post I made a point about comparing specifically ACOTAR!Tamlin with specifically ACOMAF!Rhys because it thought it made sense to compare Tamlin when hes written as a love interest to Rhys being written as a love interest, but honestly, theres so little difference between Tamlin being written as an antagonist in ACOMAF and Rhys being written as a love interest that it feels kinda pointless now. Like, Feyre is upset that Tamlin wont tell her anything about the politics happening, but is inexplicably fine with Rhysand not telling her what he wants from the summer court, she hates meeting with Tamlins associates and having meaningless smalltalk with them but likes meeting Rhysand's, she doesnt like Tamlin flaunting his wealth but is fine with all of Rhysand's expensive bullshit, literally the only difference between them is that Feyre likes one and and hates the other, again, for no real reason because they are the same. Well, the same in their treatment of Feyre, Rhysand is arguably a worse person who has done and is still doing a lot more harm on a larger scale but Im posting this in the anti-rhys tag so you already knew that

Anyway, thats it for now, this got kinda long but I hope you enjoyed it

[coneheda]

87 clexa 🤩

87. “You were never just my friend.”

“Wanna tell me about them?’

Clarke glances up from where her fingers idly run through water droplets on the walnut bar top to find the bartender giving her a knowing look. What they know, Clarke isn’t sure, mostly because at this point her brain is swimming with more questions than answers and what ifs and not yets, that- combined with alcohol- leave her brain nothing more than three pounds of mush. 

“Who?” She feigns, resting her head in her hand. She tries to blow an errant strand of hair that falls in front of her face, but gives up after her fourth attempt makes her light headed.

The bartender replaces her empty tumbler with a glass of water.

“The person who has you moping in a bar at eight o’clock on a wednesday”

“It might not be a person y’know. I could be having problems at work or an early mid life crisis.” Clarke grumbles. Who is this guy thinking he knows what's going on in her life?

“I’m no therapist, but I’ve been doing this job long enough to know the difference between those looks and your face says love life all over.” He crosses his arms smugly.

“You couldn’t be more wrong about that.” Clarke mutters, taking a sip of water.

“We’ll see about that.” He says.

“Don’t you have work to do or something?”

“You’re the only one here, the glasses are polished, silverware wrapped, and I have more limes sliced than I’ll ever need for tomorrow. Aside from actually closing up which I can’t do for another two hours, you are my work so no I have nothing better to be doing.” He says, wiping away condensation masterpiece without a second thought. “Look you can sit here and brood quietly while you sober up or you can talk it out and see if it helps any.”

Clarke sighs. What could it hurt? 

“Her name is Lexa and she is…or was a friend”

“Ookay, tell me about this friend Lexa then.” He says mirroring her position across the bar.

“She’s leaving tomorrow and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again, which is stupid because she’s only moving 30 minutes away, but… after today I dont think she’ll want to see me.”

“And why’s that?”

“I think I broke her heart” Clarke admits, leaving out the ‘and maybe my own’

“So it is your love life!” He snaps his fingers and grins like he just won a game Clarke didn’t know they were playing.

“No!” Clarke splutters “We were never- we aren’t- I don’t- she’s my best friend okay? That’s all its ever been.”

The bartender gives her a dubious look. “Yeah not buying it. She sounds like a lot more than a friend to me.”

“I guess that’s the problem. We never were just friends but we were never more than that either. There was- when we met we almost...but we were both just out of relationships and I wasn’t ready to be in another one and didn’t want us to just be a one off or a regret so I stopped it, said not yet and that became not ever when we fell into a regular friend routine and everything was fine! Mostly. I mean I guess there was always that nagging ‘what if’ in the back of my mind about that night and maybe I think of her in ways I don’t with other friends and there were times that I thought something might happen, but it never did” Clarke admits trying to tame the heat rising to her cheeks. “But she never brought it up either! Until today. Because why not wait until the last possible minute right? Who does that? Lexa. Lexa does that”  

“So if you like her and she likes you…” He trails off. If only it were that simple!

“She asked me if I could think of a reason for her to stay, can you believe that? Like I’m going to be the one to hold her back so I said no and-”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse you?”

“I said bullshit. Yeah she may have done some straight out of a romance movie shit and left it until she had a reason not to see you after if things went south but you just told me you like the girl and she’s only moving 30 minutes away. Is she not worth the little extra distance? Who cares if she’s here or there if you both finally figured your shit out.”

Clarke buries her head in her hands, muffling her groan. 

“Yeah you fucked up, but you said she’s not leaving until tomorrow right? You still have time to fix it. I’m sure all that built up tension between you will lead to a-”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate” Clarke says, her face flushes as images flash through her mind. Not that she’d be opposed to that, but still he doesn’t need to know that.

“Hey,” he points to himself  “bartender not a therapist, remember? The only LCSW I have is a license for spirits and wine.”

“You forgot the C” Clarke points out, thankful for the change in subject. The bartender flicks his towel at her..

“Mmm crummy-advice say it real fast though so it sounds like one word.” He grins “Now off you go, win your girl back.”  

—

A loud knock wakes her from her nap on the couch. Is it still considered a nap if its after 9pm and she probably would have stayed asleep if not for the banging? She didn’t mean to fall asleep, she was just exhausted after a long day and her eyelids got heavier as the TV got trashier.

She rubs the sleep from her eyes, muffling a yawn into her sleeve as she walks to the door. She barely has it open before a flash of blonde darts in and she’s engulfed in a bone crushing hug and her favorite scent.

“Clarke?” Lexa says hesitantly as she wraps her arms around her. A few hours ago she thought she was never going to hear from Clarke again let alone hold her and she's not going to waste the opportunity.

“I went to your place, but Anya said you decided to leave early since you had everything packed.” Clarkes muffled reply is barely heard through the fabric of Lexa’s sweatshirt.

“Yeah, I thought it would be better this way.” Lexa says loosening their hold so they are still embracing but she can look at Clarkes face. Her eyes are red, nose runny and- “Please tell me you didn’t drive”

Clarke shakes her head “My keys are still at the bar. Murphy called me a ride and then Anya grudgingly called me another one since I guess I left my phone at the bar too and I don’t think she likes me that much right now.” She shrugs eyes locking with Lexa’s “But I had to see you tonight” 

Lexa didn’t look at her phone before answering the door but she guesses she’ll find a few texts if not a missed call from her friend warning her about her late night visitor when she does. She sighs, leading them toward the couch, tucking a leg under herself as she sits and gestures for Clarke to do the same.

“You already saw me today.” Lexa starts when it’s clear Clarke isn’t going to.  

“Can we pretend I didn’t? Or at least have that conversation again?” Clarke asks.

Lexa tries to quell the hope rising inside of her, but the girl sitting in front of her has always been her greatest weakness. “I asked if there was a reason for me to stay”

“And there isn’t” Clarke nods and just like that the hope sinks like lead in her stomach. Seeing Lexa’s face fall Clarke hurries to continue “Wait wait that’s not what I meant! At least not totally. I don’t want you to stay for me, you hated your old job-”

“I could have found another one in the area.” 

“You found this one though and it is such a good fit for you.” Clarke says, taking Lexa’s hand in her own. “And I don’t know why it had to be one or the other.”

“What are you saying?” Lexa asks, searching Clarkes face for the answer.

“Why did you wait until today to ask me?” Clarke counters.

Lexa sighs, rubbing her thumb on the back of Clarkes hand. “I didn’t mean to. I kept wanting to talk to you, but I was scared I made everything up and I didn’t want to ruin whatever time we had left together with my feelings for you.”

“Lex…you’re making it sound so dramatic. You moved 30 minutes away, not to the other side of the country!” 

“You seemed to agree with me earlier!” Lexa huffs, turning her body away from Clarkes. "You said we were just friends"

A finger on her chin draws her back and suddenly Clarke is sitting a lot closer to her than she was before. Lexa swallows hard, eyes flitting back and forth between Clarkes.

“I was an idiot before, you were never just my friend and I’m not going to let something good slip between my fingers just because I’m scared are you?”

Lexa shakes her head and that's all the permission Clarke needs to close the gap between them.

[happinessisbeyondmylevel]

with the rise of the "gen z doesnt want to work" bullshit I wnat to share my experience from this summer

i had a job for the first 2 weeks of june and was promised a position until august/until my college schedule came in. it was a shitty sales assistant job where the pos was older than i was. a maual input bullshut till. i git sent a pdf on whatsapp saying i "lacked skills" and had to hound the owners down via text to find out i was too slow to 1) man a till 2) label products and 3) put them out

how i got this job was strange and very quick. i applied on indeed on a random thursday. an hour later i got an sms saying "this is X from y store that you applied to. i have some questions" I happily answered bc well ive been searching for over 2 years now for something. i had no big aspirations for this place. i needed money, had a tuition and €10k loan to pay off so i happily answered. said that i'd be a 10 minute drive away or a 30 min bus ride, that college would be once a week next year, had no other commitments other than work during the summer

all seemed fine and we arranged a video call for teh following evening. this was the first time i'd seen than and the only time i ever would, and even then a light was shining from behind them so i couldnt see their features very well. they said they'd let me know asap and taht was that. true to their word I was let know very quickly I'd start the following thursday to when I'd applied.

i put everything i could into that minimum wage job. got paid in cash every monday (in an envelope in an unlocked filing cabinet). everything was so old fashioned. the breakroom was a (bathroom) sink, an empty cardboard box and a kettle.

i wont say i wasnt slow. but i was thrown in with minimum experience and 2 weeks in was given the worse termination i could imagine, on a monday, on the bus home and with an entire 7 days of work ahead. I had to go in every damn day thinking "im worth nothing to this lot why am i even here" i felt sick every damn time.

i still pulled my weight, bc again, the owners were not on site, and the others didnt deserve that, even if one did sell me out

i left silently sunday, I had lied and told the owner i had found something else and to not put me on next weeks roster. silently collected my money from the back the day after and went home

we want to work, but youre all expecting too much. 2 of my coworkers were the same age as me, had been working since doing their leaving cert (2 years) and ofc were quick as fuck. If id been given another week i know i would have been there with them, but I wasnt given a chance and so I just didnt even bother. they didnt show their faces to me and i wasnt throwing out my back for them a 3rd time. i fucked up my entire body for them bc they lacked everything to keep us safe

I dont know why employers are labeling us as lazy when they dont give us a chance. im starting to abide by "minimum wage requires minimum effort" going forward

[unitedunionofdave]

the kids: and if they have a braincell or not

BROUGHT TO YOU BY MOD GRAY AND MOD ROX

after some CAREFUL debate, thoughts, and sleep-deprived keysmashes in the discord chat, we have come up with these conclusions

john: no brain. no idea how to use it

rose: does she have a brain? does she know how to use it? yes but actually no

dave: has a braincell. knows how to use it. but, under any circumstances, will not do so

jade: has a braincell. knows how to use it

jane: has a braincell. knows how to use it but also prone to misusing it

roxy: has TWO whole braincells!! unfortunately no one is aware on what they do or if they work or not

dirk: has a braincell. uses it in the DUMBEST OF ASSEST WAYS POSSIBLE

jake: has a braincell. doesnt have a single fucking CLUE on how to use it

i need help from the smartest person around here. who do i go to?

1: jade. most trustworthy, can most likely help u w anything. if not;

2: jane. a little Less helpful but not terrible. is actually p smart and could prolly bullshit her way thru stuff. if not

3: roxy, hope the two braincells are functioning. if not

4: i hate to give dirk such a high position, but dirk. itll be a STUPIDASS solution but a solution nonetheless. but u dont want that so

5: rose. if you can sift thru her 12 pages of prose and thinking u could prolly just. make a solution from that urself. if ur Jared 19 and cant read

6: dave. similar to rose, except its 12 pages of rapping rambling and irony. could still figure out a solution from it. maybe. if not

7: Jake. he might not know how to use a braincell but he has one so he could completely stumble upon a solution. just gotta help him out a bit

and last but not least

8: john. we love john a lot but do not go to him. he wont know. like at all

ELABORATION.

most of them HAVE the braincell cause yknow most kids in homestuck were straight up supergeniuses with their fucking robots and their psychology and their sentient-robot-literal-life-creating-computer-science but the thing is they have absolutely no fucking clue on how to USE the goddamn braincell. they have it, sure, for example dirk being able to create a sentient ai, but he doesnt know how to use it, because jesus fuck, he just put himself into a situation in which he made a sentient ai

they HAVE the braincell but also dirk eats straight up teabags

roxy is an AMAZING hacker and could beat sollux after she learned alternian. but also they cant do directions for shit

well actually dirk may have been a bad example considering that he does technically know how to use it he just uses it in the stupidest fucking way possible. better example is jake he FULLY has one example being the robot bunny he made he just literally doesnt fucking know how to utilize it. man would aim a gun at a metal robot who hes fought for years and say "haha this will work!"

see the thing is. dirk uses his braincell to put himself into bad situations, which is inherently not using the braincell in of itself. technically? incredible use of the braincell, goddamn. morally? you are a FUCKING DUMBASS

jake has the POTENTIAL to use the braincell like its right there. with just a little commitment and time and effort he could be so fucking smart. but hes just. he just kind of ignores that and avoids it and so he HAS the braincell but he doesnt know how to use it.

jane fully has the braincell and usually uses it well and knows how to do so but uh. she can lose herself at times. usually quite uncommon. occasionally she will just straight up forget the answer to 10 + 10. these are few and far between however

roxy. roxy HAS braincells. theyre there. but theyre in a constant fluctuating state so neither she nor anyone else knows if theyre going to be working or not. HOWEVER, when they are, she knows how to use them and goddamn does she use them well

john? yeah no everything is just breeze and wind up there he doesnt have it. sorry john

rose TECHNICALLY has a braincell and HYPOTHETICALLY she knows how to use it. she likes to THINK that she uses it. technically? she has one, as in she sure can use it to be smart and verbose and know things. morally? fuck if she knows and fuck if anyone else does

dave DOES have a braincell and he KNOWS how to use it like the guy is smart. HOWEVER. he deliberately CHOOSES to actively ignore his smarts like if he just used the braincell for a little bit he'd know a lot of shit but like its like he just ignores that both the braincell and the knowledge on how to use it is there altogether

jade? shes the smartest. please go to her she is literally one of the most knowledgeable people here shes trustworthy

honorable mentions:

kanaya has the braincell but only in Certain Cases. you go to kanaya for certain things Only and it's up to you to figure that out

karkat? karkat has half a braincell. if you can trudge through all the shouty shit theres a half baked plan there but it's also a really Stupid half baked plan. like hes trying but. only makes it halfway

terezi? terezi doesnt seem like she has the braincell. shawty eats chalk and licks anything and everything. but she DEFINITELY HAS a braincell and uses it when she NEEDS to (like when she told john to fix the fuckin timeline.) Rezis braincell use is a SURPRISE but not an unwelcome one

(with terezi LIKE DAVE she has one and fully knows how to use it. however unlike dave instead of like deliberately avoiding using her braincell she lures people into a false sense of security by pretending she doesnt have one)

vraska has a braincell. it's there. but does she use it? thats truly the question. it's kinda a dirk situation where she has a braincell bu#t uses it stupidly. like. shes trying her best, a villain clad in blue clothes, but also. shawty what

all via mod rox

aradia may be our first case of fully knows how to use a braincell but doesnt exactly. have one? at least its not always present. she is just fuck ar0und and find 0ut :) like charcoal said. it is in the back of her mind only

sollux has a braincell and knows how to use it and fully does not want to. he just does not want to deal with it. sollux? sollux has 2 braincells same as roxy. it's his thing. UNLIKE roxy however solluxs braincells are constantly firing. he is not smart tho. they're firing but he's also like dave where he IGNORES it

solluxs braincell situation is so complex and he does not want to understand it. rose looks at him like :iamlooking: i want to psychoanalyse you. however he just wants to fuckign lay on the couch and zone out for 12 hours is that so much to ask

MOD ROX ADDITION: gamzee is no thoughts head empty however sober gamzee is FLOODED with braincells and that's why hes angry ok gnight

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Ok ok I’ve had this thought for a while now, how about this. When Touya was a lil baby man his “dad” introduced him to his fellow pro hero’s daughter. Maybe the hero is a high ranking pro of another country. They hit it off and become friends. But his “dad’s” shit is too much and she notices his change and asks him and he maybe takes his anger out on her. But she just calmly takes it all, smiling and says after his rant, that he isn’t alone and tells him that her father is the same and that since her quirk (Emma Frost’s powers maybe) is powerful she’s doing the same to her. Then their friendship grows and later somethings happen Touya can’t take his BS so leaves without a trace. Years later she’s a pro hero ranking in top 5 in her country. They meet through pure coincidence. And he sees that she has an engagement ring on, and he’s like wtf and she just gives him a heartbreaking smile and says that maybe if he stayed it could have been him who gave that to her 🥺 you can go on from there Sorry it’s so long😥

I’m not going to force you to write it, just trying to give you ideas to inspire your writing. please don’t think that I’m forcing this on you 🙏🙏🙏 if you want to then ONLY should you write it okay 🥺😭

Can we just take a moment to look at him😭💔❤

Ps: sorry about the quirk part ;-; only after I saw it was a specific one

"UGH!" The once red haired kid hissed in pain as his body double over... sometimes he wished he could just had gained the blessing of not only rememberinh his mother, but inhering her quirk as well... his blue flames accordinh to his father cartied more potential than his... that he was almost perfect...

Yet he wasn't. His body couldn't handle the heat... as well as his mind couldn't tolerate more of the mental and physical abuse Endeavour put him, his siblings and mother too...

His forehead was against the ground as hs gritted his teeth the best he could to not pet out one miserable yey possibly inhuman shout... both of pain and anger.

Although he flinched back up when he fept a touch near his hot shoulder... thinking that was possibly his baby brother Natsuo worried abiyt him once again.

But it wasn't the white haired kid... it was you... standing in front of him with a worried face wjile holding a bucket of possible icy water and some towels.

"What?" He scoffs, doing his best to stand up without trembling.

(L/n) (Y/n) was the daughter of a famous pro hero from America... Her father being a close friend of Endeavour, somehow, introduced his daughter to the old man... the girl was a compassionate soul with a telepathic diamond kinda like quirk. Both of you grew closer as time went by... yet, he couldn't sadly hide it the pain he felt as his father slowly grew to be a abuser...

He couldn't just tell you about it. For what? Ruin the pertect Todoroki family sterotype and for yoi just to rub into his face about your perfect little lovingly family?

He would rather not.. bit todaay he was just fuming. Angry at his father, angry at his quirk... angry at himself

"You're burning up Touya-kun..." you whispered while kneeling down next to his fetal position form "Rough training..?" You whispered softly whiel clenching the towel before slowly rubbing the visible parts of his skin...

He remained silent, a frow present on his features as he clenched his legs closer to his torso.

"... Touya-kun?"he grunted at your call amd tried not to wince at the cold wet towel on his cheek "Is not only training right?"

"Took you long enough smartpants..." he chuckled darkly, brushing you off and putting his legs on a crossstype sitting.

".. wanna talk about it? It usually he-"

"Oh, like talking will just stop my stupid father to beat my mother and treat me and my siblings like shit.." he gritted his teeth at the memory and for spilling out what he didn't wanted to.

He saw how your eyes widened from the corner of his turquoise ones... scoffing at your reaction.

"Touya-kun I.. I know what is-"

"Oh dont come with the "i know how you feel" talk." He growled, glaring at you in anger "The spoiled princess have everything to goods and food in your home. A dad that just doesn't smiles as often as All Might, a mother that always remain by your side no matter what and you come with that bullshit?!" He widened his eyes at the curse he let out and how he shouted at you... a billions of regrets already forming inside his head until he saw a bit of tears on your eyes yet a kind and painfull smile on your lips.

"You think is like that?" You almost sobbed the words until you pulled your sleeves up to show him marks of cigaretes, cuts and purples dots adoring your skin as his eyes widened in horror...

"W..what?" He almost whispered as he grab your arm to inspectes closer.

"The comet hero, example of a father... does this to me every single day he comes back from a fight that didn't ended well or when I mess up with something on my training... while my mom is always drinking and watchs from a safe distance to not be hurr as well..."

Horror was present on his face as anger slowed build inside of him... so this was what heroes do to their children?! Him and you had been suffering in the hands of the most powerful and respected heroes out there...

If he had control over his power he swore he would chase your father down for everything he done to you.

"So yeah... I know how you must feel... Touya. You're not alone..." your arms slipped from his grasp only for you to fill the empty of his hands with yours, interviewing your fingers with his.

He couldn't even answer as he pulled you gently to hug as he craddled your head between his neck and hand, carresing your back with his free one.

If only he could be a little more strong... only to protect you and himself...

Yet that didn't stopped him to vow to himself to get some revenge on both of you.

.

.

.

Finally he was meeting wuth his baby brother Shouto. And now he was ready to burn all of the heroes and students present there just to prove his point that none of them were worth of even living.

Yes he was crazy, a sociopath that killed more than one hundred people. But whose fault was that again? Oh right! Endeavour... Todoroki Enji. His father that could dance with his son on the deepest parts of hell.

Just when he was about to send a attach towards Shoto the chaos around him was mute for a short few seconds.

'You would really hurt your younger brother like that..? Touya?'

"What the fuck..?" He muttered before receiving a kick on his hut wnough for him to gag on his own blood.

Quickly recovering he sended another attack only to see a woman made of diamond standing next to him, panting as her grip on the blades remained.

"Touya..." you blinked and a soon more human like appearance got back as the woman stared at him with horror "What happened to you?"

"Do I even know you sweetcheeks?" He asked nonchamtly before sending another wave of flames towards your direction only for your arm to get back on a diamond like shape as you blocked the attack.

"Seriously?!" You gasped while holding your blades.

He was about to attack before a flash of memories of his childhood appeared as he groaned at the pain it actually felt, but still reamained stood until his eyes widened at a image of his long lost childhood friend...

When his vision got back he stared at you... recogjizing finally after so many years.

"So you devided to become one of those fake heroes too (Y/n)..?" He snarled, forearm in front of him as he lit it into flames, hiding the actual hurt he felt.

"Our parents may have acted this way, but that doesn't mean all heroes belong to a world full of lies!"

"Bullshit." He attacked once again as you dodged, coming closer to him as he groaned and managed to lock you in the ground... seing a golden ring on your left hand as you tried to controp your breathing at seing his hand on your throat.

"What the fuck...?" That was a weeding ring... a fucking weeding ring. The woman that was supposw to be his was married to someone else...

You realized his grip lessen up a bit only because of the sign of the ring on your finger... realization come into your senses as you felt tears start to form in yout eyes as you manage to smile a bit... unknown to Dabi that you were contacting your side kick and husband to come for your rescue.

"... you know..." you brushed your fingers on his scarred face much like you did years ago, making him freeze qith turquoise eyes wide open "... it could have been you.. but.. you .. I thought you were.."

"Dead..?" He mumbled, still on top of you as his eyes narrowed at the golden ring ".. I wish.."

[justalittleficsideblog]

selcouth // Levihan

Selcouth: unfamiliar, rare, strange, and yet so marvelous.

Takes place when Levi first joined the scouts and met Hange for the first time.

Words: 1,146

What a pain in the ass 

He could practically feel a migraine forming over his eye. Listening to this four-eyed freak was about to send him over the edge.

A clap to the shoulders brought him back to his senses.

“Ease up a little, Levi. She’s the first person who hasn’t treated us like shit because we’re from the underground.”

Levi sighed, acknowledging Farlan’s statement, “Still fucking annoying.”

Farlan laughed, crinkling his eyes up as he turned towards Isabelle and the brunette eagerly talking to one another, radiating energy from each other.

“God, what’s her name? Harold? Hai--”

“Hange Zoe!” the brunette piped up, hands on her hips as she strode away from Isabelle to sling an arm over Levi’s shoulder.

He could swear his vein was about to pop.

“Get your filthy arm off of me--”

She laughed, not at all phased by his standoffish demeanor and rigid stance. He was apprehensive, of course he was. Levi was used to the way people were, pessimistic and out for blood. He had to protect his little family, himself-

“You’re an interesting one, Levi!” He watched as she waved goodbye at his trio. 

She was... odd to say the least. She hadn’t seemed the least bit off-put by their upbringing or where he was from. She was excited, positive, so....so

unfamiliar

In this world, everything was shit and everyone knew it. But, she... she seemed so hopeful, so critical, so i-dont-give-a-shit that Levi couldn’t help but wonder if the surface wasn’t so bad. Maybe the people weren’t awful....maybe.

“Alright there, Levi?”

He snapped back to Farlan, who was softly looking at him. “You spaced out there a bit.”

“She’s...optimistic,” Levi sighed once more as he looked in the direction she had practically pranced away.

Farlan set his chin in the palm of his hand, smiling slightly at the newfound Levi sitting before him. “Yeah, she is.”

___________________________________________________________

 His whole body felt numb, every nerve in his body shot from exhaustion. Legs dragging behind him, he carried himself to get cleaned up. He barely made it down the hall before he slammed against the wall, legs tingling and knees locking as he stumbled.

I couldn’t save them, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t save them, they’ll never see the world, their dreams

He gasped, pain wracking his body as the scene played out before him over and over. Their corpses staring back at him in the shadows, he could still see their lifeless eyes and mangled bodies in his mind, and nothing seemed to clear his head of it. His chest caved in as he felt his stomach plummet.

Im sorry, im so sorry, im sORRY--

“Levi?”

His breath hitched, gripping the wall with all the strength he had left. Turning, he was greeted to the sight of the kind soldier.

His eyes were wide, terror written all over them, one hand grabbing the wall so hard Hange could see the blood already forming on his fingers where he gripped the stone. The other hand, she noted, was clutching his chest, seemingly scratching at something he couldn’t find.

“What?” He croaked out, voice scratching and barely a whisper. 

Her face fell as she realized.

“Come on,” she murmured. “Let me take you to my room.”

She reached for his arm, but he flinched away and pushed off the wall to his own feet.

Satisfied, she led the way back to her private quarters, pointing to a chair she had placed near the corner. As she grabbed towels and some food, she felt tears prick her own eyes. She had liked Farlan and Isabel, she wanted the best for them, she truly did. But now.... she shook her head, determined to put on a brave face.

“Here,” she handed him the supplies. Her words fell on empty ears, Levi was buried with his head in his hands, refusing to look up at her. 

He felt so vulnerable, laid bare before someone he barely even knew. He could kick himself for letting his guard down. Shifting in his seat, he turned his steely eyes toward the woman in front of him. 

Baring his teeth, he moved towards the door; eager to escape this situation.

“No.”

Whirling to face her, she held her hand on the knob, blocking him from leaving.

He huffed, putting up a show of disinterest and apathy. In reality, he had no energy to fight anything. The pit in his chest wasn’t filling back in, it felt like a void was sucking him in, slowly sapping his last bits of energy.

“Sit, Levi.” He turned his gaze back to her, piercing his own eyes into hers. “Please.”

Reluctantly, he sat down on the seat. Hange flopped onto her bed, close enough but not so much so that he would be uncomfortable. 

“Tell me... about them.”

His eyes widened, he wasn’t much of a talker. He observed, usually he let Farlan do all the-

oh.

Practically delirious in grief and exhaustion, he opened the wound he kept scratching at in his chest.

“They were my family.”

_________________________________________________

Since the death of his dearest friends, Hange had made an attempt to poke and prod at him every second of the day. No matter where he went or strode off to, she found him and began to eagerly light up conversation about titans and how she would kill for a chance to experiment on them. 

“Listen, Levi... you’d never imagine the shapes, the sizes, the gestures of titans! It’s insane! Now hear me out--”

He sipped his tea, half listening to her ramblings. Oddly enough, he hadn’t ever met anyone like her before. No other comrade could stand her inquiries or persistent conversation, aside from Moblit but he didn’t count, Levi thought. The kid gets paid to listen to her bullshit. 

“Hey, are you listening to me?”

“Not with that stench, go take a bath, you smell like horseshit.”

She pouted before rolling her eyes and heading towards the door. She stopped, suddenly eyes widening as she looked towards the sky.

“It’s been almost two years now, hasn’t it?”

Levi grunted in response, clearly wanting to end the conversation there.

“Come eat with me tonight, I know you haven’t slept for shit.” With that, she continued on towards the showers. 

Alone now, Levi let himself close his eyes. He would always remember them, grieve their loss. However, he thought, without Hange there to piss him off and bring himself back to the here and now, he isn’t quite sure how he would have spiraled. 

She didn’t make it easier, she was just there. A constant presence that he found reassuring; albeit odd and weird as hell. Thinking about it, he remembered back to their first encounter, her positive and outgoing towards the inwards and standoffish kid from the underground.

Strange, yet so astounding at the same time.

[delusionalwoman]

Summary: After Draco removes y/n from a case they were meant to work together on...y/n appears at his flat angry. But Draco doesn’t like being spoke down too.

WARNING: some degrading/ dominance / rough.

ENJOY! ♡

——————————————————-

I swear I heard the floo. I glance up from the study only to look back, deciding that I did not in fact hear anything. My brain sinks back into the haze of unresolved cases and my work engulfes me once more.

Hells tap along my floor. And suddenly my brain fires up allowing me just enough time for me to stand as the door flies open.

“You do not get to remove me from this case because you decided I was unfit for it. YOU do not decide what I am unfit for.”

“Y/n? I-“

She stormed further into the room her eyes blazen as she gunned me down, taking in the spread out case and the continuous ticking of my pendulum. She storms further in and begins to shuffle the paper back into its folder, corners crumpling and losing their place.

“Y/N enough!” I shout, pulling myself out the daze and stepping around the desk. “I pulled you from the case for a reason, and you very well know why” I combat holding my breath as she faces me entirely, folder in hand, brown hair covering her eyes.

“You do not get to decide what case is okay for me or not Draco Malfoy. You, of all people will never know what I am capable of. So I suggest that-“

“I know what you're capable of Y/N, I've known you for almost three years, of course I know your strengths and what they are. But this case, about THIS person, is not it. And so I won’t allow you to be on it. For your safety. And for your peace of mind.”

“Me being off this case doesn't do my mind jack shit! It just pushes me into the dark, the shitty fucking pitch black filled with unknown bullshit and unknown end results.”

Y/N stands tall, rightly annoyed at my decision despite my intentions. She walks back out of my office and turns towards me at the door. “You don’t get to decide what's right for me just because youve saw my tits Draco.”

Her comment slaps me, her flippant emotion sending a shockwave through my lungs. Before rage burns them back to functioning and I’m storming after her.

“Sorry Y/N, but your fucking tits aren’t as sentimental as me deciding to take you off this case. You can't do this! It has personal relations to you, so I did what I thought was right. So I’m sorry. But I stand by it. Sexual past or not.”

She whirls back around, her cinnamon perfume hitting my nostrils as she throws her arms up. “You dont get to fucking dictate my job! Jesus Christ, just because you grew up having everything given on a silver spoon doesn't mean you then need to do that for others. Daddy isn't here anymore Draco. Be your own fucking man.”

I’m moving towards her before I can stop. I’m gripping her throat before I can even halt. I’m pushing her against the wall before I can even inhale her fucking cinnamon scent. She's against the study door before she can even spell my name, folder and papers forgotten on the floor.

“I’m pretty sure I was my “own man” last time you were here Y/N. I’m pretty sure you were also moaning while you were here, but that was because my tongue was against your cunt, not because you were having a hissy fit.

Her chest is heaving, the white shirt stark against her breasts as it tucks nicely into her suit pants, the material tight against her ass. She always dresses sharp. Never wearing skirts, only the occasional dress if it was summer or a special occasion. Her suit trousers fixed themselves around her ass while also leaving the mind to wander down murderous paths. On some days she would wear a blazer, the button holding just below the Center mark of her bra. Today she decided on a blazer, the thing itself probably thrown in her own flat before coming here to shout. The red bra showing through: something that would normally be hidden...unless?

“No white bras today Y/N?” I breathe, fanning over her face as she stares back at me, pupils wide and fixed on me under her eyelashes.

“Laundry day.” She replies. Shaking hair out her face before licking her bottom lip “ran out of white bras.” She finished.

I raise my eyebrow, fixing my eyes on her before releasing my hand and trailing it down her neck, my hand soft in contrast to the rings housed on my fingers, the hold leaving goosebumps on her skin before my fingers slide down landing on her top button. I flick it open with ease, her chest inhaling with a small hiss, the red of the bra showing over the white like the sunrise.

“Do you want to go back to shouting at me?” I start, keeping my eyes on hers and my hand ghosting over the second button. “Or do you want to thank the lucky stars that you're also wearing red pants too...because I know you are, my little slut wouldn’t come here without wearing matching underwear.”

She shakes her head.

“I need words Y/N, you know I like to hear that mouth.”

“Yes Draco.”

“- yes what.” I growl back, pinging open two buttons as I press against her slightly, allowing her to feel me enough to send a shiver through her core.

“Yes sir.” She moans out, arching her chest into me and moving her hand so that it rests on my arm.

“Good girl.” I commend, dipping my head down and lacing my tongue over her neck and ears, bobbing, biting and licking as her hand grips my arm and then moves to my own shirt buttons. She unpops three before groaning, moving her other arm from against the door to join her adventure of tackling buttons. Before long she has undone them all, her slender fingers tracing down my chest before banishing the shirt and landing on the waistband of my trousers.

She arches her head back, giving me better access to her neck. I suckle on the pulse point, earning a moan as she shifts her hand to between my trousers, squeezing slightly and then releasing, her hands leaning towards my belt buckle before she lets out a breathy gasp as my lips move back onto her lips, my tongue tracing her lower lip before my teeth nip, the small beading of blood pooling before I move my thumb to collect it and smearing it across her lip. Her hand once resting on my belt is forgotten, curling her hand around the fabric of my opened shirt. I move down her neck, finding her collar bone and nibbling, encasing my hand in her hair and pulling slightly: gauging her reaction. She lets out a whimper and I pull again, this time biting her neck and tracing my hand over the exposed parts of her chest. She gasps at my action, the rings feeling like ice as I trace lightly the outline of her lace bra. She grabs my crotch in reply, gripping it harder than before and I groan the tension growing in her hand.This time I slip slightly, the groan leaking from my lips as I thrust against her feeling the door hit against the wall. “You keep teasing me y/n, and i'll have you over the desk and cumming over the papers that I should hand in to the ministry tomorrow.”

Our breathing begins to share the same air, my lungs taking in her breath as the metal of my belt sound like church bells ringing in the empty room as she unhooks it, feeling the metal hit the side of my leg as she begins on my zip. “We can always rewrite the reports.” Y/n replies.

"Don't play me like that" I growl, biting down on her neck hard leaving a mark. MY mark.

I look at her and her eyes dance with fire, the reply sitting on the tip of her tongue like a snake ready to attack.

"Make me." She replies, and the second the syllables leaves her mouth, I switch positions, throwing her towards the desk. She lands hands on the edge as she turns to face me, my hands on her in seconds. Tearing the shirt open and allowing my hands to follow onto her breasts, magnets being lured to their partner. She moans and leans back slightly, her hair fanning down below her as she pants slightly, her tight buds standing to attention as she wraps a leg around my hip pulling me closer.

“Fuck me Draco” y/n begs, her arms spreading back as she lowers herself onto the desk, her body lying there like a constellation in the stars aligned perfectly the way I want her, creating an image of Aphrodite: My own weakness.

I lower my head, kissing her deeply, giving her one last moment of pliability before I stand, attacking her zipper and removing her pants. Her cunt staring at me through hidden lace,

"Draco please" y/n breathed, her cheeks becoming flushed. "I want you" she pleaded biting her lip and then breathing out fast.

"You can get me when I allow it y/n." I growl, moving my hands down over her stomach, tracing the outline of her breasts that peaked over the edge of her bra before looping my finger around the elastic of her pants.

I pull them down effortlessly, the air hitting y/n. She gasps at the sudden gesture, squirming slightly. I trace my finger over her slit, pressing slightly on her clit before retreating and moving back down her slit.

“Wet for me already y/n” I growl out, voice deep and heavy as I add another finger and part her lips slightly.

She moans out “Draco please.”

And I moan back in need, my fingers dipping into her as her muscles tighten around me, begging me to never leave her tight pussy.

I pump her in a steady motion, watching her squirm as the sound of paper rustle beneath her. Her eyes flutter shut, face a portrait of pleasure.

“Open your eyes y/n. Watch me fuck you with just my fingers.” I command, leaving a slight slap to her inner thigh.

She moans loud, opening her eyes and letting out a shaken breath. “Yes sir” she replies.

I grip her neck carefully not to hurt her, and move her bra above her breasts, sinking my mouth over her nipple and sucking as I continue to pump my fingers.

She moans out, arching her back, her heat pressed again my palm, my cock twitching in response.

I stand upright looking at her. Blood rushed lips and puckered nipples.

In one fluid motion I remove my hand, letting the cold air hit her, watching her eyes widen in anticipation. I push her further up the desk, head hanging over and then I walk around, her hands latching onto my belt on instinct.

“You going to let me throat fuck you y/n?” I cooed, letting her hand open my belt, the metal clinking against each other as she attacked my zip.

“Mhm.” She moaned out, her hair falling down around the desk as she worked quickly.

“Give me words y/n, you know how much I hate mumbling.” I bend shucking my trousers down to my ankles and stepping out of them as she palms my erection, the feeling heavenly as I grip her head using her hair.

“Words y/n. Now.” I say, this time more direct and sharp toned.

“Yes sir.” She says, pulling my boxers down and opening her mouth wide. Begging. Wanting.

I give in, guiding my cock into her mouth, watching as it slides down her throat as the muscles flex against me. She starts quick, sucking and coating her saliva all down my shaft. Licking and kissing, sucking and gagging.

“Good girl y/n” I groan out.

My hand tightens at the base of her head, creating the rhythm as I pump my dick into her mouth, the sounds of her gagging and taking me whole causing the tightness in my stomach to boil. My thrusts are timed, her tongue dancing around my tip as pre-cum leaks onto her tongue and she swallows with fever.

“Such a good little slut for me hm? Taking me like that. Letting me hit your throat.”

I lean forward slightly, feeling my length sink further down my throat making me groan. I trail my hand down her front, sweeping a finger over her slit like before, the wetness travelling down and a small pool of it collecting on a piece of parchment.

I pull her legs forward, giving me a perfect view of her pussy. Letting my breath flood over it, licking my lips I dive down, gripping onto her tights to stop her from moving as I continue to thrust into her mouth.

She moans loudly, my tongue slipping in with purpose as the moan vibrates over my dick sending a shockwave through my system.

I let out a groan. “So good for me y/n. Tasting so good. Being a good girl and lying there for me.” I thrust harder feeling her gag as my tongue swirls and dips over her clit, legs shaking when I hit her favourite spot. I circle back again, this time collecting the juice as I kitten lick and nibble.

She reminds me of the muggle drug Blaise brought to the dorm on fourth year.

The tiny cupped mushroom opening up a door in my brain that allowed me to reach God and shake his hand. Allow me to taste bliss and euphoria simply by sweeping my tongue up her heat, allowing the taste of her to melt into my tongue: the foam of which Aphrodite rose from.

I groan again, circling my tongue around the nerves, feeling her buck slightly and her breathing hitches suddenly as she sucks my cock.

"You taste like mine y/n." I groan twisting my tongue and dipping further in, allowing myself to bask in her taste, the frenzied high sending bolts of electricity down my body.

"Draco please" she gasps out, removing herself from my dick with a pop. "Please, just fuck me." She begs her legs trembling under my tongue.

I grunt and stand, wiping her juice off my lips and signaling for her to get up too, watching as she stands and walks around to me.

I engulf her in forceful kissing, gripping her hair and pulling her in front of me, her breathing erratic as I spin her and force her over the table, my hand running over her pussy as she gasps and backs into my hand.

I skim my hand across her cheeks, the slap echoing around the hall as y/n lets out another gasp.

“You like that?” I ask. Doing it again feeling my cock harden more than I thought possible as she ruts against me.

“Harder Draco.” She begs. Biting her lip as she looks behind to me, her eyes dark as she lies before me begging and ready.

I do it again. Her moaning coming in waves, each slap earning a pink mark on her cheek, before my hand dives into her core, pumping at a fast speed.

“Dont stop. Don't stop. God Draco please.” Y/n begs, bouncing herself off my hand as the pleasure seems to roll off her in waves. “Please let me cum.” She pleads, my hand stopping as her rutting becomes untuned and needy.

“You can cum when I say you can y/n.” I say. Removing my hand and replacing it with my cock, teasing her by running it up and down her center. “I want you to feel me first, feel my hard cock against your tight pussy. Feel how hard I am for you, how much I can't wait to pound you into this desk until you can't speak.”

Y/n moans, her head rolling back slightly as I rub myself over and over again, my dick becoming wet with her as I line it up at my entrance.

“What do we say when we really want something y/n?” I ask, my patience wearing thin as I feel her push against me slowly.

“Please sir.” She begs, gasping as she pushes against me. My cock parting her lips and sliding into her tight cunt.

I hiss as I enter her. She is tight and wet. Her muscles tensing as she feels me fill her whole with my dick. She shudders and her eyes roll at the initial pressure and pleasure.I shift my weight and rock my hips against hers, the desk moving slightly and our breathing becoming pants as I create a steady motion.

"Draco please" she begs again, gripping onto the top of the desk, my hands unclipping her bra before rolling her nipple between my fingers. This emits a loud moan, a whimper of begging leaving her lips: “please don't stop, please- Yes sir. Please-“

I start slow, entering her entirely and then pulling out almost fully letting her feel every single inch of me, my hands latching onto her hips. She ruts against me, her breathing heavy as she plays with her own nipple, my hands digging into her side as I begins to pound harder.

“Fuck me Draco. Fuck me please.” She pleads.

“You want me to fuck you y/n? You want me to show you what a good little slut does?” I hum, rutting into her feeling my cock hit her cervix earning a sharp cry.

“Yes sir, please...show me how to be-be your slut” she purrs.

And I speed up, the dragon in me coiling as y/n gasps and pants, profanities leaking off her lips like honey. Her voice sounded like angels as she moaned and groaned, her hands tightening and then releasing around the desk, one of them crumpling up paper which was near at hand.

I latch my ringed hand onto the back of her throat, my other hand holding and squeezing her ass as I thrust faster, my breathing turning to fast pants as I feel the fire begin to dance and sing, getting closer.

"Fuck, please don't stop" y/n begs, her head leaning forward onto the hard wood as she bites her tongue and lets out a strained moan.

"Say my name" I demand, the heat rising in the room.

She looks at me and locks her lips, deciding there and then to not let me take her fully.

"Say it y/n, say it while I fuck you hard." I groan, tightening my hand on her slightly, moving my other hand from her ass to her clit, rubbing it in circular motions.

She lets out a scream, her legs shaking as she digs her nails into the wood, her eyes rolling.

I had her. She was coming undone under me as I went faster, arching myself and hitting her spot.

"Draco" she wails, her body jerking uncontrollably as she unraveled, her pussy tightening around me as she moaned and gasped.

"Draco, fuck- Oh yes god- Don't sto- Oh Draco"

I growl, feeling myself about to let go, ready to fill her as I continue to ride her over my own high, her mouth slipping out my name making me finally accept the snapping coil of pleasure.

"Such a good little slut so good for me. So fucking dirty-God. So perfect.” I pant, the slapping of our bodies against each other becoming our own pendulum as she tumbles over the edge a second time as she throws her head back and wails, tears threatening to spill over as I pull her hair and release myself into her. The sensations of her clenching around me bring me up higher than I had ever been before.

We ride each other until we float back down, the smell of sex in the air as our breathing regulates and I allow y/n to stand up and face me, a wide dazed smile on her face.

“You know.” I say, leaning forward and placing a kiss on her lips. “I should take you off cases more if this is the result.”

————————————————-

Just a PSA, that this was taken from my Draco fanfic, and modified and lengthened to make this one shot type thing. I hope you liked it!! Aaaah!

Requests are open!

Stay spicy

- H ♡

[grazieschillivera]

You sort the boys into their hogwarts houses which leads to you arguing about your latest problems with one another...

Author note: maybe a bit self- involved

Word count: ca. 2000 words

,,No.You can't be serious even that one?Thats the silliest theory from all.'' you said when you entered with the boys your hideout.On your way back from a mission you and Hughie realised that the both of you had a lot in common especially considering geeky subjects.

You both were the only ones , who could have a happy conversation after this day.Butcher was furious due to some complications and Frenchie was dissapointed at him for not taking his advices.Hughie was a bit unsure owing to their fight, while you tried to stay positive, unlike Kimiko and M&M, who were just tired.

Later that afternoon, when everyone of the group sat together and ate you came back to your topic, due to the boring stuff on the TV and the remaining bitter mood.

,,What about Harry Potter?'' you asked Hughie breaking the silence.

,,Nah not the biggest fan.'', said Hughie still occupied with his food, that you looked at sometimes.

,,Not the biggest fan?Thats one of the most iconic book series since the last years.The spells, the love stories, all the background information, the castle, the house sorting!You don't know your house  yet!Thats almost like not knowing your purpose in life.'' you said.

,,Jesus, Y/N calm down.'' said Billy, when you didn't take a breath while enumerating your reasons.

,,I have to defend Y/N.The books are actually good.Whats your favourite one mon amie?'' Frenchie asked you, earning a lowkey challenging look from Billy.

,,Uhm to be honest.I only had read the first one and than only some parts from the rest of the books.'' you said embarassed, earing laughter from all sides.

,,But see thats also a point, that speaks for the books.The house sorting is truly effective.I bet Frenchie is a Ravenclaw he just read the whole series, while I know you can only read a certain amount of book and due to that have to chose wisely.''

,,Or you just start to read.'' said Frenchie with a grin leaning back in the couch.

,,See again, thats typical of a Ravenclaw'' you said pointing at him, already convinced.

,,What kind of fucking bird?'' asked Billy now giving up on enjoying his food in peace.

,,Its a made up name for one of the four houses.The sorting head, brings not only into account what your main trait are, also what you want to be.'' you said.

,,And Frenchies main trait is stubborness?'' asked Billy.

,,Come on Butcher, that one time after always listening to what you thought was right.'' Frenchie said still frustrated about the mission.

,,No Frenchie's main traits are wisdom and creativity according to his house.'' you said to prevent the situation from escalating.Fully of pride Frenchie smiled, like he wanted to thank you for those words.

,,Is that so?Can you also tell what I'm good in love?'' Billy asked you, with is typical grin.After some seconds with you being lost in his gaze you focused again and turned away.,,Besides everything I planed worked out just fine.'' he added to Frenchie.

,,Thats because Hughie and Y/N always prevent you from getting killed, while I'm doing the rest.'' Frenchie said.

,,Alright you know what? We won't argue tonight, I can't always hear the same stuff again and again.We will end this tonight.With the power of magic.'' you said with your brilliant idea in your mind, that just came in.

With still hot cheeks you sat down next to Frenchie on the couch and started to discuss who belonged in which hogwarts house.You kept your discussion as quiet as possible , while the others gave you and among themselves strange glances.Only after some minutes and no disagreement you came to your results, that Frenchie revealed whenever you held your hand above the head of each person, everyone besides M&M who went to sleep immediatly after you all got back.

Billy belonged to Slytherin, Hughie to Hufflepuff and Kimiko to Gryffindor.

,,And what do I get when I know that I'm a stupid snake?'' Butcher asked when Frenchie was done with giving quick information about the house colours, traits and animals, immediatly irritated with the Syltherin.

,,A Gryffindor does what is brave, a Ravenclaw what is wise, a Hufflepuff what is good and a Slytherin what is necessary.In other words you're very ambitious and cunning.'' you said, earning an approving eye roll from Billy as response.

,,At least someone.''

,,Wait aren't Hufflepuffs just those extras?'' asked Hughie earning a dissapointed gasp from you.

,,No we're not!We are the most adaptable ones!Just because no one expects much of from us doesn't mean we can't compete with the rest.'' you said.,,Quite the opposite.''

,,Oh Poufsouffle of course!'' said Frenchie to you and you made an exxagarated bow.

,,But Hughie has a point there.Hufflepuff might be the kindest ones but tend to be a bit useless.''

,,What about Cedric Diggory?He could beat Harry Potter, before Voldemort could achieve that, almost won the Triwizard tournament due to his pure talent.While a Gryffindor and a Slytherin try to kill each other, there is a Hufflepuff with almost the same power to get involved... before he gets killed.There is really no point in making us look misserable.'' you said with sad addition.

,,Hush!'' said Frenchie and held his hands on Kimikos ears.,,No spoilers.We will read the books mon coeur'' Frenchie said, the last part to Kimiko, who clearly had struggles to follow that conversation.,,Besides that only happened in a Quidditch Battle – you would know that better, if you had read the books.Thats speaks again for a Hufflepuff.''

,,But we are very good finders.'' you said to help Hughie accept his house with a bit more pride and ignored Frenchies pridness.

,,Finders huh?Then please tell me why the fuck you couldn't seem to find the compound V today, when the rest of us was a bit occupied with other stuff.'' Billy said.

,,Easy there Butcher.Y/N was clearly busy with saving your ass, once you had decided to change the plan.'' said Frenchie.

,,But again that wouldn't had to happen when you could cooperate with one another.Hugie and I can't always have an eye on you just in case you decide to mess up again.Oh and also, Hughie, we don't need to kill someone to make our stand.Thats something I find very good.'' you said to Billy.

,,Wait love.If you wanna say something to your defense about today then tell it to me in my face not via some fucking witch stuff.'' said Billy, who could find the reference in your words, that only got admired with an eyeroll.

,,I don't know, is there something I need to defened myself against?Again?'' you asked arms crossed but still with patience in your behavior.

,,Stands your Hufflepuff also for passive aggressiveness or for no ambiton?That would explain why you can't fucking arm.And I say it again Frenchie can't take advices'' said Butcher.

,,Same goes for you Butcher.You're way too stubborn to take my advices.If you had listened to me we could have the compound V.'' said Frenchie earning your agreement.

,,Stubborn?I just do what is necessary.'' said Butcher giving your a creepy smile, when he made his reference.

,,No one said that the necessary is always the best'' you defended yourself and formed a sorry with your lips.

,,Good!Because Frenchie does a poor job of doing what is wise, when he always runs after Kimiko, whenever she does the fuck she wants.'' said Billy that lead to Frenchie defending her.

,,It's also good that I don't always follow you, because even your plans aren't always the best Butcher.'' you said between their fighting.

,,Oh you even called me 'Butcher' you must be really mad at me now.'' said Billy with an angled head and mocking grin, making you already quiet again.You hated it to become angry.

,,I can't take this Bullshit.'' said Hughie standing up and leaving the hideout.

,,No Hughie come back we need to do this.'' you said but with no success.

,,Thats so odd, you being so commanding and present.You know what Y/N if the fridge wouldn't be empty every three days, I wouldn't even notice you in our group now and then.'' said Billy.

You gasped at his harsh words.

,,Don't you dare say that.Recently I dont eat at all.And thats all because of you and all the pressure you give us, I'm sometimes so angry at myself for not doing better, that I simply will stop eating.'' you said without acutually wanting to admit it.

,,So you lied to me!All the times I asked you whether you have already eaten , you lied to me!No wonder you're so tired and unfocused.'' said Billy angrily at you.

,,Alright let us calm down.'' said Frenchie.

,,No Frenchie.Y/N needs to do that.She always stays quiet.God knows what she all wanted to say.Let it all out love.'' said Billy to you looking at you with encouragment.

,,I mean it boys, we have to make a compromise about how we wanna approach our plan, always fighting fire with fire can't work out!Frenchie is sometimes way to proud to follow Billy ,when necessary and Billy does a terrible job at listening to the rest of us.And I suck at preventing those situations when they begin when I deicide to not become loud with you.And Kimiko could at least try to cooperate a bit more with us – but she is at least making good progress.'' you said and wanted to strenghten your point with another Harry Potter example but Billy stoped you right there.

,,Y/N is right we're just ignoring this situation.'' said Frenchie.,,Maybe we could have just stayed out of it.''

,,Well we might have started this situation, we can't go back now.'' said Butcher, offering you his asian food.First you hesitated but he insisted on you eating something.

,,Good.If you do that again I might buy you some of the candy you like.'' said he with the slightliest mocking tone but still seemed relieved.

,,Shut up Billy.'' you said ,even though the idea made you smile.

Nevertheless the emotional outburst and the words off you seemed to have an effect on the group.After some moments of silence Kimiko started to apologize for her running out of line, followed by Frenchie apolizing for his pride at the wrong times, after he had translated for her.Thats when you promised to not suppress your thoughts anymore and kick their asses when they would start to mess up again theirs missions.Everyone looked at Billy with a waiting glance until he said he would start from now on to listen more to your thoughts and plans.

The mood lifted immediatly after all of you had talked about your struggles and promises.After that you walked outside to bring Hughie back inside, telling him what had happened.Billy had followed you and looked after Hughie until he disappeard again, while stoping you from following him.

,,You're cute when you get angry.Maybe I should have done that a bit earlier our plan seemed to work out quite good.'' said Billy satisfied.

,,Our?It was me who started with the house sorting to- you little piece of-'' you said but always stoping yourself too occupied with processing the information.,,shit'' you said remembering your promise.

,,Ah carefull love, seems that Slytherin and Hufflepuff are quite good at working together.'' said Billy leaning against the door, still not letting you go inside.

,,You manipulated me.I thought I managed to reconcile ourselves among one another.'' you said now being disapointed.

,,But you did.Who else would be better in that than you?I just gave the necessary push to do it.'' said Billy with a grin on his face, you couldn't help yourself but giggle.

,,Did you also lie to me about not knowing Harry Potter?'' you asked.

,,Pff.What comes next the scarf of sexual preferences?'' asked Billy pushing himself from the door, leaving you a bit speechless.

,,You're still hungry?'' asked Billy giving a nod at his car's direction.With an eyeroll you closed the gap between the two of you and kissed him.

,,Was that for the question or for our secret team work?'' asked Billy keeping you in his arms.Clearly confused about your effection but also not disintrested.

,,Both.'' you said with a smile and looked up to his face, now knowing exactly why you liked him.

[skullkid1410]

They saw this huge villa standing still on the middle of the blizzard. Smoke coming out of the chimney, the promise of a warm and cozy place to stay.

"Its late and they must be asleep. If they dont let us in, I'll find a way to break in and maybe we can hide ourselves in the basement"

"Here's the plan Pax. Stay behind me. I'll knock on the door. If nobody answers, we'll check for opened windows around it".

He climbed the steps to the porch and started knocking on the door, multiple times

"I'm coming, i'm coming! Are you guys thieves or activists? Cause I said a thousand times, I WON'T BE CHANGING MY WORD ABOUT THE COASTLINE DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM, this town need the money godamnit. ARE YOU THIEVES OR ACTIVISTS? If not, come inside. If you are, go back to where you came! I've got a deadly dog inside, starving for human flesh" - Answered a distant voice coming from inside the house

Pax was nervous about the whole situation, and the memories of all the psycho horror movies Brodie forced him to watch came to his head. Nothing good happens on situations like this.

"Brodie this guy must be cuckoo. Who would let us inside this time of the night without even checking who it is?"

But brodie is never scared of anything. Ever.

"I know, i know. But know what? We're not in a position to be picky. Let's get inside".

The house was HUGE, warm and cozy, besides empty. Lots of crates all around the room. Some opened, others sealed. Sounds of steps came from the top of the stairs.

"My first night in this house and I'm already receiving guests. Odd tho, you guys are not familiar. But you don't seem to be here to steal, kill or kidnap me. Wait, are you in here for it? Nah you aren't, I'd be knocked out already if that was the case. Nice to meet you lads, I'm Darrell. Town's mayor, at your service. Now come inside, let’s seat around the fireplace.”

"So, what brought you boys to my lonely corner of the town? Not gonna lie, I would hate if a police officer knocked on my door right now. Two teenager boys that I never saw in my life before, at this hour of the night... Which trouble have you guys started to be running away like that?"

"Also, this is my dear friend Toby. And yep, as you can see, he's definitelly not deadly and couldn't even kill a fly. So there's no way I can make you harm, and I hope you didn't come to hurt me as well. And please don't rob me. It's been just a few months since I was elected and I still got tons of bills to pay you see"

The mayor seemed to be a very cool guy, and Brodie really felt like he could open up his heart to him. He told him their whole life story. Like he never met his parents, and lived in the orphanage his entire life. He told him how he met Paxton, and how attached they became to each other ever since. How they lost any hopes of being adopted since they were too old for that, especially Brodie, 17 years old. Darrell listened to the whole story with atention. It was so good to talk with someone that actually cared to listen. Been ages since the boys met a guy like him.

"You see guys, I don't think I'll ever be able to even imagine the pain you have been through. I do understand how does it feel to be an orphan, since I never met my parents too. I grew up inside a boat, and worked with fellow sailors since I was 5. I wouldn't be able to reach where I am right now, If it wasn't for people that helped me before. Maybe that's destiny knocking on my door and telling me its time to pay off...

"I don't have a clue of what am I gonna do to help you two. But, let's do it like this: You guys stay over for the night, I'll cook you some food in the morning, and then we can talk about this whole situation. I don't promise any miracles, but I'll do the best I can".

The boys couldn't even believe their ears. The help they've been asking for such a long time, finally came. And it felt good. Tonight they are gonna sleep under a real roof. On a real comfortable bed.

"Mr. Darrell, I don't think I'll ever be able to repay your kindness. Thank you very very much" - Said the boy with tears of happiness and relief in his eyes

"Nah, that's okay. Brodie, is it? Now follow me boys, I'll show you where youre gonna sleep. And I hope you don't mind sharing the bed. The other guest room is occupied by Toby. Oh, and please, be good lads and don't try to stab me while I'm sleeping right?"

The boys followed Darrell through the big staircase and a long narrow corridor, until they reached a big room with a cannopy double bed and three huge windows, with views to the sea. The snow was falling down but a very blurry ray of light could be seen on the distance - the beam of the old light tower.

"Man, this is FANCY. I don't think I ever walked inside a cool room like this. And this bed man, so freakin soft" - Said Brodie while jumping on the bed

"too bad we have to share it" - replied Paxton

"Aw, so is it? Too old to share the bed with me? I'll definitely remember that next time you wake me up screaming in the middle of the night because of nightmares you had" - Replied Brodie while tickling and messing Paxton's hair

"oh no man, that's not it. You know you are my favourite pillow. It's just that, I'm wondering how GOOD it would feel to sleep alone in such a giant bed like this... so much space you know? Way better than park benches".

"haha I know pax my boy, don't worry. Also you are not the little guy I met anymore. Now, go have a shower and don't forget to brush your teeth. I don't wanna be awaked by your bad breath in the morning"

"I think I got sooo used to things going wrong that, now that our chances are getting better, I can't even believe my eyes. I'm not sure what the mayor will fix to us, but if we are to start a new life, I'm sure I'll have to be stronger than ever. Not just for me but for pax".

"He is too young, too naive, too weak for this world. His heart is too good to be broken. Gosh, I don't even like to imagine the idea of him getting hurt, or people doing bad to him. I don't want him to starve or to sleep on the floor anymore. And i'll work really hard ensure he'll get a better future. Maybe even better than mine".

He approached pax' ears, and whispered in a really gentle tone:

"You hear that little guy? I will do whatever I can to make up to you. Life's not being kind to us, I know. But I'll fight even harder and i'll be even stronger for the both of us. I love you too much to see you suffer like I did".

"BRODIE BRODIE WAKE UP! ARE YOU FEELING THAT SMELL? THAT'S PANCAKES!! AND IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS YET!"

"HOLY CRAP MAN! QUICKLY, CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES! oh boy, I'm gonna eat a WHOOOOOOOLE stack of them".

"Good morning boys! You won't believe what i heard today while grocery shopping on the town. Word is, two boys - a short brunette one and the other taller and ginger haired, ordered two large meals on the boardwalk diner last night, and sneaked out the damn place without paying their bill! Too good for them that I paid the bill and explained the waitress that my nephews are in town visiting their old uncle and, since I am the mayor, they tought it was okay to do it. Funny story isn't it? Now, let's talk business. Sit down, I cooked some pancakes".

"So, I've been thinking about our talk last night, and I think I know a way to help both you and me. I won't call the cops nor the counselors cause I do feel your story and also, that would be bad business for me. Lot's to explain. And I can't take you both under my roof, cause I'm a loner you know? Toby is my only friend and I'd rather things to stay that way. Also, I'd suck as a parent. Too much attachment involved, not for me"

"So here's the deal. There's a very old house in the pier. Very old. It was the death place of Brindleton bay's founder. And people won't allow me to demolish it, folks say it's important to preserve the story of the town. Bullshit if you ask me. But, since the house is useless cause i'm already spending a lot of cash with the coastline development project and can't spare a single simoleon to restore it, I'll leave the keys to you. That's it. You guys can stay there. And as long as you don't give me ANY REASONS to evict you, I won't. Simple as that. Oh and of course, to any matter of effects, you are my nephews now and you'll be frequenting the school. Cause if you DO give me headaches, that's one less problem to discuss with the guardianship counselors. Got it?"

"thank you so freakin much Mr. Darrell. You are the best thing to ever happen in our lives" - Said Brodie, while giving the old man a very strong hug

"Nah, that's okay. But listen to me boys. No mischief. I already paid my debts with destiny twice - by letting you stay and by fixing you this house. Don't give me a reason to regret it. I won't be able to help you anymore if you do. And yes, I'll be checking up on you two. Good grades on the school, don't want folks to think my nephews are stupid"

"Hurry Paxton! It will be school time in just a couple of hours! And I'd love to freshen up before we have to leave!"

The boys runned like they never did in their lifes, crossed the whole city in less than an hour. Their hearts pounding with excitement. A house, to call their own, they couldn't believe it. Too good to be truth.

"Here we are. The only abandoned house of the pier. That's got to be the one".

A big wooden house could be seen in the distance, with old planks covering the windows and dead bushes in the front. As they approached it, they noticed the front porch covered by old letters and overdue bills. In other circunstances, the house would scare the shit out of the boys. But in this day and time, it felt like the most beautiful place they've ever put their eyes on".

"Pax quick give me the keys. Oh never mind, the door is unlocked"

A hot and moldy breath blew from inside the dusty rooms straight to their noses, making the boys sneeze. The house was old, dark and dirty, with a very eery aura to it. But it was home. Their home. With many rooms to explore and a lot of work to do. , making the boys sneeze. The house was old, dark and dirty, with a very eery aura to it. But it was home. Their home. With many rooms to explore and a lot of work to do.

"I am so freakin happy I think I might have a heart attack. CANT BELIEVE IT BRODIE WE DID IT! WE FOUND OURSELVES A PLACE".

With tears falling from his eyes and a lot of relief inside his chest, Pax gave Brodie a long and strong hug. Brodie on the other hand, was holding his tears to the maximum. He didn't want Pax to see him cry.

And with a kiss on his forehead, he dried pax's tears with his fingers

"Come on dude, let's check the place out".

"Hey brodie, look at those muddy paws on the floor... d, do, d.. do you think there's a stray dog around?"

"Chill out pax. Those paws seem to be old. And if we do find a dog in here, we can easily scare him away. Stay inside and look around the house, I'll check the backyard. Oh and if you find the toillet, please brush your teeth. Your breath smells like fart right now, you're gonna scare your classmates".

Brodie, stepped out of the house and just couldn't believe his eyes

"Hello little guy! Watcha doing on this place alone? Lost your mom? Are you an outcast like us?"

"Aaaaw, you couldn't even hurt a fly now, could ya? Sooo adorable. Say what, we are adopting you. Wanna live with us? Good boy, good boy, I like you already. Hey pax, check it out"

"Jesus christ man, that's a wolf cub. Do you really think it is a good idea? I mean, he'll get older.. and hungrier"

"Nah pax, that's okay. We'll train him and teach him to eat only dog food. If we are to live in this house by ourselves, we need a bodyguard to protect us. Right wolfie? That's it my boy, I'm gonna call you Wolfie. Do you know to howl Wolfie? Do it after me - aawoooh!”

[fandom-strumpet]

I Don’t Hate You

Summary: Reader is having a hard time when Damon leaves after he turns off his humanity switch. She wants to hate him but just can’t. 

Word Count: 1103

Warnings: Swearing, breaking stuff

You had finally arrived back at the Salvatore boarding house after a long and grueling day of school. You fling your backpack onto the ground by the side of the couch where Caroline’s backpack lies in a similar position. You plop down beside Caroline on the couch making her bounce.

“Whew” you exhaled, leaning your head back. 

“I know what you mean.” Caroline shut her eyes, rubbing the bridge of her nose. 

“Long day at school ladies?” Stefan asked walking down the staircase. 

“Mhmmmm” you and Caroline hummed in response.

“I’ve got an update on Damon.”

You shifted uncomfortably and withheld a grumble. 

“What is it?” Caroline leaned forward.

“10 more bodies along the highway in North Carolina. All of them were filed as ‘Animal Attacks’.” 

“You don’t even know for sure if it’s him” you snapped, face scrunching up in irritation. 

“Why do you get so irritated? Everytime we bring Damon up you get all defensive of him.” Caroling turned to look you. 

“I’m not being defensive I just don’t like talking about him.”

“Why not?” Stefan crossed his arms.

“Oh my god are you still talking to him?” Caroline gasped, mouth open wide. 

“WHAT THE FUCK? I get irritated talking about him and you automatically assume that I’m talking to him?”

“I just had to ask.”

“BULLSHIT. NO YOU DIDN’T.” You scream, wiping everything off of the coffee table onto the floor with a crash.

Stefan held up his hands to coax you down. “Well you’re acting just like he does when he gets angry, Y/N.”

“OH WHAT? SO NOW I HAVE TO STOP ACTING ANGRY TOO SO I DONT ACT LIKE DAMON?!” 

“That’s not what I-”

“BULLSHIT!” You scream and storm out of the house without giving your backpack a second thought. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time you got home walking, you were soaked from the rain and the tears streaking down your face. There was nobody to ask where you had been, you lived alone in a little house in the same cozy area that your friends Elena, Caroline and Bonnie lived in. Your brother paid for the house because he had a lot of money, your mom and dad died a couple years ago. You calm down and take a steaming hot shower, fogging up the small window and large mirror. Settling down into your bed with your fuzzy pj pants you pull out your diary and favorite pen out from under the mattress. 

Dear Journal, 

Why have I felt so horrible ever since Damon left? I’ve only ever felt such a loss this heavy once before, when I lost my parents. Is this what it feels like to lose a best friend? Damn it, he was the only one I opened up to about mom and dad. I can hardly talk to anyone now. Occasionally I’ll talk to Caroline or Stefan but they annoy the ever living fuck out of me sometimes. Right now I don’t know what’s worst: the inability to be close to my friends or the fact that I don’t hate him and I never did. I’m supposed to hate Damon but I just can’t. I know my friends love me but their love isn’t strong enough to keep me from living in my own head. I live in made-up scenes just so I can avoid the world and think about him. I overanalyze everything we had, how scared I was when I sensed it going downhill. Why? There are so many things to ask why about. The question I keep trying to find the answer to is: “So what do I do now?” Last night you were in my dream Damon, and I had to relive the pain of losing you all over again when I woke up. I remember your hair specifically, raven black, messy and hanging over your forehead while your crystal blue eyes stared into my heart. I’m supposed to hate you, but I don’t. I can’t even bring up the possibility of being friends with you to our friends. The only result of that is a long, extended lecture about all the harm you’ve done. How you’re the worst person I’ve ever met. I know what you did and it makes me so angry I cry. I swear. I want to throw shit and light it on fire so I can watch it burn down just like our friendship did. Do you even miss me? Do you ever think of me? Or am I just some regret- a shadow in your past? I feel like someone shot a hole in me and then filled it with a bunch of rocks. I cry so much more now than I used to. How do I even deal with this feeling of loss? Put more energy into work and school? Bury it down again in alcohol? Where the fuck are you Damon? I thought I could rebuild after you left but it feels so fake. I read a quote, “Hope hurts. But tomorrow might be better.” Bullshit. Hope is dead. BAM. BANG. DEAD. I refuse to hope so for now I’ll just find another coping mechanism. Goodbye Journal, goodbye Damon. x<3 

You click the pen shut and lean back, tears streaming down your face again and dropping onto the comforter. A knock sounds at the front door and you stumble down the steps to answer it. 

“You forgot your backpack.” Bonnie gave you a concerned smile. “I heard what happened earlier between you, Stefan and Caroline.”

You scoff quietly, “Of course you did.” while taking the backpack out of her hands. 

“How are you holding up?”

You look down at your shoes and backpack hesitantly before looking up and responding. 

“It’s fine I guess. Sometimes I just can’t deal with the whole thing.” 

Bonnie nods and hums in understanding. 

“Can I come in?” she tilts her head. 

“Actually I would like to be alone right now. Sorry Bon.”

“It’s okay Y/N. I’ll still see you for movie night tomorrow though, right?”

You gave a small laugh and smiled, “Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

“Well, goodnight Y/N. Get some sleep.” Bonnie smiled caringly again as she turned to leave. 

“Goodnight Bonnie.” 

You turned and closed the front door with a sigh. Shoving your backpack aside you slide down against the wood and listen as Bonnie’s footsteps retreated down the wet sidewalk. You let the cold flood you, a full hour passed by before you forced yourself off of the floor. Looking around at the empty house you slowly make your way upstairs again to go to sleep. 

@tawaii

[abused-sides]

Could you write maybe a short angst/fluff thing about them discovering each others triggers and talking about them and how to avoid them? (My family and the people around me dont really respect mine so this is kinda just a request for me to project onto 😅 you absolutely dont have to tho)

fuck your family we’re your family now 

Trigger warning: This au follows the sides as abuse survivors. 

Other tws for: Yelling, arguments, passive aggression, non-censored homophobic slur used to talk about oneself, sl*t used in a joking and literally not at all degrading/mean manner also non-censored, drama violence (like reading a script), flashback/panic attack, ableism off screen, throw up mention, allergies mention, glass breaking, lmk if i missed anything! <3 

enjoy the hurt/comfort lol it took me like an hour and a half xD 

Edit: love when it just doesn’t fucking add the read more :) sorry about that guys

Virgil: 

-While Virgil was helping Patton fix dinner, Roman and Logan started an argument at the table. Logan was upset that Roman hadn’t finished his chore list for the week, but Roman insisted that he would finish it and he just needed some extra time to work on commissions. 

-Logan: We all have jobs, Roman, we still manage to get our chores done! This place is a mess half of the time and that’s largely due to you neglecting the list. 

-Roman: Why are you acting like some weekly chore list is worth more than our jobs? Isn’t that why we moved in together, to pursue our passions?

-Logan: How are we meant to do that when we’re living in a mess? 

-Roman: You’re completely overreacting. 

-Logan: Fine. You’re right. I’ll just do everything. Sorry to be a bother. 

-Virgil had slipped away from his job chopping vegetables to glance at the missing items on Roman’s chore list. The first one read sweep and mop the floors. He silently took the broom from its spot between the fridge and the counter, and worked on piling up the mess on the floor. 

-Logan was about to storm out of the room, when he noticed Virgil. 

-Logan: Are you okay? 

-Virgil: Hm? I’m fine. 

-Logan: You’re shaking. 

-Patton: Of course he’s shaking. Would it kill you two to be nicer to each other? 

-Realization dawned on Logan’s face. He bit his lip as he thought, and then turned to Roman. 

-Logan: I don’t like it when you neglect your chore list. I understand you’re busy, but it makes life harder for all of us. 

-Virgil stopped sweeping, looking at Logan in confusion. 

-Roman was just as confused. 

-Roman: I... Yeah, I got that, weirdo. 

-Logan: I want to make sure there’s no confusion. Do you have anything you want to say to me? 

-Roman’s eyes flicked between Virgil- Shaking, gripping the broom, staring at them with wide eyes -and nodded slowly. 

-Roman: Some weeks I can’t complete the entire chore list. Finishing my commissions are more important. The kitchen can be cleaned later. 

-Patton: And I can help! I don’t mind chipping in on chores. 

-Logan: I can live with that. I’m going to my room. 

-After that, there was an unspoken agreement to state things plainly, especially when fighting, and to try and keep the yelling at a minimum. Janus and Remus may have appreciated it even more than Virgil did. 

Patton: 

-Janus and Remus were visiting for a movie night, and they were still setting up. Patton fussed over the organization of the snack table, Roman over who sat where. 

-Remus: I’ve got my seat! 

-He flopped into Janus’ lap, who grunted. 

-Janus: Jesus Christ, babe. 

-Logan: You two are so... 

-Remus: What? Sexy? 

-Logan: No... Not the word I’m looking for. 

-Remus: A cute couple of boys? 

-Logan fought not to laugh. 

-Logan: No... Not that, either. 

-Remus: Just an attractive pair of young faggots? 

-While Logan, Roman, and Janus burst out laughing, Patton choked. He covered his mouth and tried to recover, but the others laughing quickly died down. 

-Virgil: *softly* Patton? Are you okay? 

-Patton: I’m fine. 

-He forced a weak smile. 

-Patton: Are we ready for the movie? 

-Remus: You look like you’re going to be sick. Is it something I said? 

-Patton: It’s not a big deal-

-Janus: Bullshit. Tell us. What, Remus calling us faggots? It’s okay to laugh, we know we are. 

-Patton didn’t take the bait, shakily sitting down. Janus’ grin faded. 

-Patton: I just... I don’t like that word too much, I guess. It, um... 

-Virgil: *quietly* Bad memories? 

-Patton nodded quickly. 

-Remus: Jesus! You should have told me! I’m sorry, Pat-A-Cake! I guess Janny and I have just been calling each other that for so long, I forgot it bothers some people. 

-Janus: Yeah, um, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have encouraged it, it wasn’t very-

-Patton: Guys, stop. You don’t have to apologize, okay? I’m okay. 

-Roman opened his arms with a soft smile. Patton sighed happily and crawled into his lap, his back against Roman’s chest. 

-Remus: So what can I say instead? Slu-

-Janus slapped his hand over Remus’ mouth. 

-Janus: Why don’t you just try behaving? 

-Patton: *laughing* No, I’m actually pretty used to that one. Roman can’t see a cute boy without calling himself that. 

-Remus: Perfect. Was that the word you were looking for, Logan? Just a bunch of cute little sluts? 

-Logan slapped his hand to his forehead. 

-Logan: *dryly* That’s exactly the word I was looking for. 

Logan: 

-The morning was a busy one. Logan had three projects due that he’d somehow neglected, Roman had two auditions, Patton had an increase in orders to pass out, and Virgil had an interview for an apprenticeship at a tattoo parlour. 

-Everyone raced around the kitchen-- No time for a family breakfast today. Logan banged at the coffee maker as it went painfully slow, Patton trying to carefully package a box of cupcakes. Roman slid between the two of them to get to the fridge, nearly tripping over Logan’s feet. 

-Roman: Hey, watch out! Tryna get out the door here! 

-Logan stiffened. 

-Logan: Apologies, Roman. 

-Roman looked at him in confusion at the formal tone, but shook it off and grabbed his water bottle so he could race out the door. Soon, the apartment was empty, everyone left to their respective tasks. 

-Logan didn’t come home for a while. 

-Patton left a sticky note on Logan’s door to say his dinner was packed up in the fridge for whenever he wanted it, but couldn’t stop feeling worried. He stayed up until 4am on the couch watching cartoons, eventually passing out. 

-When Logan still wasn’t home in the morning, Roman carried Patton to bed and stormed across the hall. 

-He rapped loudly on the door. It swung open a moment later, revealing the tired, angry face of his brother. 

-Remus: What do you want? 

-Roman: Is Logan with you? 

-Remus: Well, I know where he’s not. 

-Roman: I’m not fucking around. Just tell me-- We’re worried about him!

-Remus arched an eyebrow, a sick grin spreading across his face. 

-Remus: *whispering* Are you now? 

-Roman: What’s going on? Is he okay? 

-Remus: *voice still hushed* You would think out of all of us, you and I would know better. You and I would know exactly what to say to make someone feel worthless. The difference is, it’s usually me who says it, and you who avoids it. 

-Roman: I don’t get it. What did I say? Did I hurt him? 

-Remus: He feels like a waste of space in his own home! 

-Roman pushed past Remus into the apartment, finding Logan asleep, Janus curled around him protectively. 

-Roman: Logan! 

-Logan and Janus both startled awake. Janus glared and hissed. 

-Roman: My God, why didn’t you tell anyone you weren’t coming home? We were so worried! Patton stayed up all night waiting for you! Why was your phone off?! 

-Logan frowned in confusion and sat up, self-consciously scooting away from Janus and brushing his arm away. He found his glasses and put them on. 

-Logan: What? I just figured, the apartment seemed cramped lately, people were getting cranky. Janus and Remus offered to let me stay before in the past, so I thought I might give you all some space. 

-Roman shook his head wildly. 

-Roman: Why would you think that? You scared us! Dinner’s still waiting for you in the fridge, and- and you could have at least called us to let us know! 

-Logan fought not to shrink in on himself. He was silent for a while, before he said, quietly, confused, “I thought this was what you wanted.” 

-Roman: No. Where did you-

-Roman paused. 

-He felt so stupid. 

-Roman: No- God, Logan, I’m so... I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry I ran into you, and then... 

-Janus and Remus looked at Logan, waiting his response before reacting. 

-Logan: It’s okay, Roman. I guess I just got confused. Has Patton started on breakfast yet?

-Roman: No, he’s asleep. 

-Logan: I’ll make breakfast. I’ll be there in five minutes.

-Remus gripped Roman’s shoulder. 

-Remus: I’ll show you out. 

Roman: 

-Roman and Remus were in the main four’s living room, scripts in each hand. Roman had asked Remus’ help in reading lines for a scene, and they had both gotten way too into it. 

-Patton: Be careful with my throw pills! My sister stitched those! 

-Remus cackled maniaclly from his position on the couch, a plastic sword held at Roman’s throat. 

-Remus: Now what did I tell you?! 

-Roman, on his knees on the carpet, faked a pained groan. 

-Roman: It’s not true. 

-Remus: Still thinking that, huh? What do I have to do to get it through your head? Beat it out of you?! 

-Remus lurched forward with his fake sword. 

-Roman’s heart stopped, the blood drained from his face, and he threw himself away from Remus’ advance. He fell back, nearly knocking his head against the coffee table they moved, crossing his arms in front of his face. 

-Remus: Roman? *nervous laughter* Come on, I know I’m not that good an actor. Are you... Okay? 

-Roman shakily lowered his arms, staring at Remus with wide, paranoid eyes. He gasped for breath. 

-Patton jumped up from the kitchen table and raced into the living room. Remus caught Patton by the waist as Roman flinched and covered his face again. 

-Patton’s eyes welled up. 

-Patton: Roman? Roman, what’s wrong? 

-Remus: *mumbling* Go sit on the couch, I’ll wave you over. 

-Patton didn’t want to, but he listened. Remus sat on the ground, plenty of space between him and his brother. 

-Remus: Ro? I need you to look around, tell me five things you can see. 

-Roman: Stained- Stained glass. 

-Remus: There’s no stained glass here. Look around, harder. What do you see?

-Roman: Your stupid mustache. 

-Remus: *laughing* Yeah, that’s good. What else? 

-Roman: Um... Um- The- The carpet. 

-Remus: What colour is the carpet? 

-Roman: Green- No. No, it’s beige. 

-Roman ran his fingers along the beige carpet, trying to control his breathing. 

-Remus: That’s good. Three more. 

-Roman: I see Patton. Um, his glasses. There’s flour on his hands. Does that count? 

-Remus: Sounds like five to me. Four things you can touch? 

-Roman: Carpet. Um, my shirt. The table. Y-You? 

-Remus scooted forward slowly and opened his arms for Roman to curl into. Remus held him tight, his chin rested on Roman’s shoulder. 

-Remus: Tell me three things you can hear. 

-Roman: Your heartbeat. Patton crying- Patton, please, love, I’m okay. 

-Patton: I- I know. I’m sorry. I just- I know. 

-Roman: Patton’s voice. 

-Remus: Two things you can smell. 

-Roman: That awful deodorant you use. And Janus, for some reason. 

-Remus: One thing you can taste? 

-Roman: Salt. 

-Remus: You back in the present now? 

-Roman buried his face in Remus’ chest. Remus held him tightly and waved Patton over. Patton staggered to his feet and Remus gently transferred Roman to curl in Patton’s lap, who cooed in his ear and kissed over the side of his face. Remus quietly slipped out of the apartment. 

Remus: 

-Janus: Remus? What’s wrong? 

-Remus didn’t answer, slamming the door shut and headed straight for the bathroom. The water turned on a moment later. 

-Janus looked through Remus’ drawer for his meds and counted them carefully. He’d taken his dosages. He settled against the headboard and waited for Remus to finish showering. 

-About an hour later, Janus was startled awake to a wet pressure on his chest. 

-Janus: *mumbling* Ew. You couldn’t have dried off? Got dressed? 

-Remus looked up at him with wide, teary eyes. Janus raked his fingers through Remus’ hair and kissed his forehead. 

-Remus: It doesn’t matter. 

-Janus: It does. Was it that bitch again? 

-Remus: She is a bitch. 

-Janus: Exactly. What’d she say this time? 

-Remus settled back against Janus’ chest. 

-Remus: *mumbling* It doesn’t matter. She’s right. 

-Janus: I doubt she’s ever been right about anything in her life, especially my Remus. So what did she say? I need to prove her wrong. Proving people wrong is kind of my thing. 

-Remus let out a breathy laugh. 

-Remus: I got upset again. A family told her about their child’s allergy, and she didn’t tell me. I made the dish normally and the girl threw up and had to go home. I started yelling, because I mean I was freaking out, what if I’d killed her? If it was a more severe allergy, she- she couldn’t have been older than seven, it could have killed her just being on the table, and- and- 

-Janus: Hey, baby, take a second to breathe. Just breathe with me for a second, okay? 

-Janus took in a deep breath, his chest raising and lowering Remus gently as he followed the pattern. 

-Remus: She told me to stop worrying about it, that I was delusional. She asked if I remembered my meds. She said I was overreacting. 

-Janus’ hold on Remus tightened as hatred boiled in his stomach. 

-Janus: I’m going to get that bitch fired. 

-Remus: Janus, no, I probably-

-Janus: You did not overreact. She didn’t tell you, and not only could that have killed the girl, it could have ruined your life. We can’t afford a good lawyer, they would pin it on you and shove it under the rug. And you’re not fucking delusional. 

-Remus: I do... Have... Delusions...?

-Janus: That doesn’t have anything to do with this! 

-Remus laughed weakly. 

-Janus: Yeah, you have delusions that the girl on the fifth floor runs a meth lab, and that someone lives in the basement, but that- That was not a delusion. She should be put in jail!

-Remus raised his head and kissed Janus softly. He nuzzled into his neck, and Janus hugged him tight. 

-Janus: I checked your meds. You’re completely caught up. 

-Remus: I know. 

-Janus: And you’re not crazy. 

-Remus: I know. 

-Janus: And I love you. 

-Remus: I know. I love you, too. 

Janus: 

-Janus had snuck into the other apartment to see if Patton had any leftovers from his last orders. The others were asleep, but he knew they wouldn’t care. Patton left notes on the things no one could touch. 

-He found a small plate of assorted cookies with no warning, and settled at the table to eat a few. 

-On his way to put them back, someone on the floor above them screamed a string of curses, and a door slammed. Janus flinched, his shaky hands loosing hold of the plate. His heart dropped as it shattered along the tile. 

-He couldn’t breathe. 

-Clean it up and leave, go, now! 

-Hurry up! Before someone finds you! 

-Don’t worry about clean up, just go! You weren’t here! 

-Logan: Janus? 

-Janus’ head snapped up. He spoke before thinking about the words coming out. 

-Janus: I just got here. I don’t know what happened, I was about to clean it up. It wasn’t me. 

-Logan raised an eyebrow, eyes sleepy. 

-Logan: *flatly* Really? 

-That was the worst lie you’ve ever told in your life. 

-His stomach coiled in embarrassment. He forced up a smile. 

-Janus: I know what it looks like. But I assure you, it wasn’t me. 

-He reached for the broom, but Logan carefully stepped over the glass and grabbed Janus’ wrist. 

-Logan: Janus-

-Janus: *gasping* I’m sorry! It wasn’t me! 

-Logan: Janus. I’m not angry! What’s the matter? 

-Janus hesitantly met Logan’s eyes. Logan’s soft, worried eyes. 

-Logan: You know I would never hurt you. 

-Janus: Of course. 

-Logan: I’ll clean this up. Do you... Want to stay over? 

-Janus’ heart stuttered. 

-Janus: If you want me to, I suppose I could stomach it. 

-Logan smiled a little. 

-Logan: You suppose? 

-Janus: I suppose. 

-Logan: I’ll meet you in there. 

-Janus’ heartrate had slowly gone back to normal as he laid in Logan’s bed. A few minutes later, Logan slipped in behind him, hesitantly resting a hand on Janus’ hip. 

-Janus rolled over and pulled Logan into his arms. Logan sighed in content, nuzzling into his chest. 

-Janus: I didn’t break the plate. 

-Logan: It doesn’t matter who broke the plate. 

[nanamismami]

high. suna x reader

and to my message you reply

hi. is this another suna fic based around “why’d you only call me when you’re high”? yeah...whateva

pairing: suna rintarou x reader

warnings: angst, toxic relationship, drug use, nsfw if you squint your eyes and do a little dance, vomit (suna got sick:(), fluff

genre: angst, fluff

wordcount: 2104

a/n: is it fanon? yeah. a little ooc? yeah. sorry :(

fic below da line :)

        a late night always holds many possibilities. a party, a date, at the least a break from the status-quo. yet somehow you always manage to find yourself at the exact same spot every time.

        suna’s front porch had changed several time since you first started rendezvousing with him. he had a habit of buying large plants, but forgetting to take care of them.

“the only thing he spends more money on than weed is houseplants,” you chuckle. he was still calling you, though he had failed to open the door after five minutes of knocking. you retrieved a key from the underneath of a dying hydrangea plant and let yourself in.

        not all of his late night calls were for personal pleasure. there’s been many times where he needed a place to hide from an angry dealer, or an extra $20 from his doting partner. more often than not, he needed someone to ease him off of a bad high. suna has bought laced all too many times, and couldn’t turn to any other responsible figure but you. “you’re really good at it,” he would tell you when you inquired about him calling someone else for once.

        his messages were a frenzy of “i need help”, “please come over”, and a million other vies for your company. it had been like this for about seven months: he phones you, you get pissed, and yet you still show up to his doorstep. admittedly, your meetings were generally for sex. you weren’t ashamed of it; but he was. 

you told yourself you wouldn’t ever stand for a shitty relationship. yet here you were: a glorified booty call for an emotionally distant man. he only kept you around by taking you on the occasional date. buying you a gifts when he thought you needed one. empty promises of “we’ll put a label on it soon, they’ll know soon.” you knew it was a lie, he did too. but what if one day it wasn’t? what if one of these days he really did mean it? you could get intoxicated off of that feeling, fulfilling his every request for a bit of attention. there was nothing you wouldn’t do to hear “i love you” cascade from that boy’s lips.

        pushing into his house, you see him in a crouching position in front of his couch and, god, was he shivering?

        “rin? what the hell happened?” you said to him. you didn’t yell for fear of breaking the odd calmness he seemed to be in. his reaction to your worried questioning was delayed. his usual cat-eyed stare was almost comically large. 

        “went t’ a party. took ‘sum. don’t feel good,” he managed to slur out. you threw a large knit blanket over his shoulders and sat next to him. “what did you take?”

“a tab.” 

“of what?”

“i don’t know.”

        great. you knew the rest of the people at the party were probably just as high and would be of no help. 

        not knowing what else to do, you moved him to sit on the couch and grabbed a glass of water. it’s not the first time this has happened, and still he never remembers in the morning. every time he’d wake up and find himself in your arms, he’d blame it on the high and take a shower. suna never asked about the money you spent on ibuprofen to make him feel better, or the hours you’d spent soothing his paranoid psyche, or hell, the shower you’d already given him because he’d made a mess of himself. he never knew about the frantic research you did trying to find out how to detoxify whatever drug he managed to find himself on that night. that’s not what matters right now, though. not to him at least.

        “how long ago did you take it?” you asked him. he was sat with his chin resting on his knees, hesitantly taking small sips of water.

“an hour ‘fore i left the party, bout two.”

        was there ever a time he checked on you? did he stay up late wondering if you were safe? he did seem to care some about you... anything physical, he bought for you. he always left you feeling satisfied. was it okay to want more? is that what you deserve? of course it is. you should be with someone who treats you with sincerity. someone who shows your beautiful face off to their friends. someone who when they talk to you, they aren’t-

        you checked your phone. three: twenty-seven. there’s no point in trying to regurgitate it now. his hands were shaky, and lost grip of the plastic cup containing probably his only source of hydration within the last twelve hours.

the loud crash of his cup on the hardwood helped direct you to the true nature of the relationship you found yourself in. the silence of the home as you went to refill his water didn't help either.

        the sudden rush of water falling from the cup onto your hand caused you to jerk you arm back and shut the faucet off. turning around, you’re met with a looming body and a hazy gaze.

        “you’re taking too long,” he commented.

        you set the cup down and looked up at him. you had a right to know what he was thinking, even if it wasn’t clear at the moment.

        “rin…” you whispered. he bore down at you and his eyes sharpened ever so slightly. he must be a bit more cognizant of his surroundings, even better for your question.

            “why do you only call me when you’re high?’

        in your head, it was beautifully executed. the moonlight coming in from the sliding glass door, your enunciation, his careful gaze. christ, it could be straight from a movie.

        suna was a very bad actor. your performance was rewarded with a pile of vomit at your feet and a half passed out man leaning on your shoulder. you guided him back to the couch and laid him on his side, then cleaning up the kitchen. 

       coming back, you find him awake again, lousily sitting on the couch. he at least had washed his face and changed his clothes.

        “i’m cold. come hold me,” he demanded

        you really couldn’t help the smirk on your face. he was so needy when he was like this. obediently, you sat facing suna, and he launched himself on top of you. maybe this is why you stay. it was satisfying feeling needed by a man who wanted for very little. you stroked his dark hair and lightly kissed the shell of his ear. “do you feel any better, sweetheart?” you only call him names when he won’t remember them. sober suna would roll his eyes and ask you to not call him that.

        “you make me feel better.” honesty wasn’t ever a symptom of his current state but hey, you’ll take it.

         in fact, you’ll take full advantage of it. “rin, you’re not going to remember this in the morning, are you?” you knew what the answer was

“...i will.”

        your eyebrows knit together and you pull his face to meet yours. his arms snake their way around your neck, his weight forcing you to lay down. suna shoved his face into the crook of your neck. he breathed out lightly, refusing to meet your eyes.

        “y/n...why are you so good to me?” is he aware of what he’s saying? does this mean he’s remembered every other time and refused to acknowledge it? questioning his integrity might just ruin it, so you only massaged his scalp.

“because i want to rin. you make me happy, and i want to.” a half lie; would he care?

“but you could be happier without me. i dont get it.” 

        “i love you too, ya’ know.” it was a concerningly matter of fact statement, especially from him. “i wish i could show you. you're just so pretty, and smart, and just so... so good. you’re pretty scary, you know that? how am i supposed to be vulnerable with someone like you?" 

         if the ever observant middle blocker couldn’t figure it out, how the hell would you? there’s only so many things you can fully understand.

“because i love you, rintarou.”

you probably shouldn’t have said that, and you knew it. never once had either of you brought up that word. it could easily be the rock to shatter the glass house.

        his soliloquy is almost laughable, it’s only what he knows what you want to hear.

“are you still high?”

“not really. my stomach hurts though. and i’m kinda hungry.”

        he didn’t get up. instead, he asked you to roll over so that you were both lying on your side. 

        you had no idea if he was being truthful. he isn’t exactly one to say i love you so freely. but he knows you are close to leaving. a slightly calloused thumb strokes your cheek and lifts your chin,

“i meant it.”

“no, rin. you didn’t.”

        a look of genuine hurt colored his otherwise bored face. did he really mean it?

        “were you telling the truth?” he asks.

        were you? there wasn’t exactly another explanation for your actions.

        “i think so, yeah.”

        “then so was i.” you thought it was bull, opting to shut him up before he could give you anymore false hope. before you could kiss his face, he beat you to it.

“that’s bullshit, rin.”

        it was tentative, hesitant. he knew you weren’t really convinced. if there was a god, he prayed that they would make his testament of truth pass from his lips to yours. if there was one thing he knew he couldn’t live without, it was you. he would not be able to tie his own shoes if you weren’t there to teach him. but how were you supposed to know that. he fucked up big time, why was he just now realizing it?

“after our first date, i told the whole team i was gonna marry you.”

“the coach too.”

        suna rintarou telling the entirety of ejp about his love life is laughable. you wanted to believe it, really, you did.

        “that doesn’t line up with everything else that’s been going on.”

        “y/n i-i know. i’m sorry. i’ll change.” his pleading was pathetic, to be honest. he’s made those same promises before.

        he was desperate at this point. suna knew he was in the wrong. there had to be a way to save this; he didn’t like seeing you sad, seeing you leave.

        he pulled his phone out, pressing a few buttons here and there. “look!” he said, shoving a new instagram post in your face. it was the only picture he had of the both of you together. he had let you take it. it was a timed photo, facing the two of you in his reading chair. you sat sideways in sunas lap, and your arms were tightly wrung around his neck. he was looking down at you, and you were pretty sure (you hope) he was smiling a little. the caption of his post was simply a heart.

“that’s just a social media post.”

        there was that word again. he looked like he was about to cry and there was emotion in his voice, could he really be lying? 

“baby please. i’m serious. i’ll do anything."

the usual flat tone of his monotone voice began to have some melody to it. against his own will, it was shaky, trying to find the best words to sing.

"i’ll take you out every day, a-and i’ll get you front seat tickets to my game. anything, love, please just don’t leave me.”

        there’s something sweet in a statement that you don’t know the validity of. you can dance around it, pretend it’s true, pretend it’s false. sometimes, you can choose for yourself what tune to dance to. that’s what you’re doing now.

        suna’s large hand was petting your cheekbone, and one of his legs was thrown around your body, imprisoning yourself to his ambiguity. how would you win his approval if you disregarded his one showing of vulnerability?

        “i would never leave you rin. now get the fuck up so we can go to your bed and sleep.”

        his sheets were a pleasant greeting compared to his scratchy couch. he laid flat on his back, pulling you so that half of your body was on his. he slowly leaned toward you, kissing you forehead, nose, cheek, and just about anywhere else he could on your face, finishing with your lips.

        you could definitely tell he was lying about how deep his true lack of sobriety was when he threw you over his shoulder, his bad posture refusing to adjust for the added weight.

 he always knew you cared too deeply about him, but getting see what you did for him when he wasn't supposed to know. it did things to him. his bedroom door was already open, and he jokingly tossed you onto the bed. not enough to hurt you, but enough to convey his desire for a bit more normality. because that's what other couples did, right? he was trying.

“goodnight, y/n. i love you.”

        it was almost instinctual, the way you smiled and chastely pecked his lips. laying your head back down on his chest, you sighed airily.

“i love you too, rintarou.”

[katsukikitten]

Hi, could you do a scenario or headcanons of a reader who feels like a burden towards everyone? And they can’t really speak up about it so the become more withdrawn x bakugo? Fluff pls

Useless

A/N anon hopefully this is what you wanted and needed. I know it's hard but be kind to yourself my lovely bbs

If you had one word to describe yourself what would it be?

A few come to mind as you reread the question on the board.

Troublesome.

Burdensome

Useless.

You flick your mechanical pencil as you debate writing them. If you write them down won't that be a red flag to someone?

This is an assignment after all. Aizawa Sensei is sure to read it and either, one, give you an F in red ink, or two, give you an F in red ink AND a lecture.

Neither will help your mood.

The bell rings but you don't notice, too absorbed in the question truly trying to find a positive word that might have a sliver of truth to it. Several minutes pass and still you do not notice the rest of the class shoving papers into backpacks shuffling out. Now long gone already half way to the dorm.

Nor do you notice the looming body in front of your desk with a deadly gaze.

"Oi." You jump out of your skin from the sudden harsh tone. The hot head narrows his gaze.

"Its been almost twenty minutes moron. They're gonna eat all the fucking food at the dorm if you don't get your ass in gear." He snarls, red eyes staring down his nose.

"Ah sorry B..Bakugou-senpai." Your hands shake as you gather your stuff, damning yourself for not noticing the cues.

You had told All Might and Aizawa that you didnt belong in the hero course, let alone UA.

Anyone would have jumped in front of that semi truck to save the little girl and her cat.

Anyone would have turned their body just right to take the brunt of the force to keep the girl and cat safe.

It's not like you even did that well, sure they were left with out a scratch but you still wrecked that truck. You weren't *fast* enough to move out of the way, so the front of the truck wrapped around your sturdy frame as if it were an old jacket.

You were lucky the driver wasn't quirkless, that he could harden his skin much like Kirishima.

Bakugou sucks his teeth as he begins to leave you behind.

"W...wait please." You say but trip over the chair in front of you that juts out of the normal neat line.

"Pay attention." He growls and you shrink away, walking slowly behind him.

You add oblivious to the ever growing list.

You watch Bakugou with steady eyes. You had seen him at the sports festival, confident, cocky and passionate to a fault. He had a deft, sharp gaze, strategic and an extremely powerful quirk that he almost mastered. His only downfall would be his temper but it was hard to enrage him enough to act without thinking in a battle.

You admired all of class 1A. You knew their weaknesses, what they liked and who they liked but it was Bakugou your eyes gravitated to the most.

Though you did not consciously realize it yourself.

You reach the dorms as a cold gust of wind whips through you, biting down harshly on your bones. You made it easy what with your jacket lying on your bed, your grit your teeth but they still chatter.

Bakugou sucks his teeth and you shrink further.

"Where's your jacket?" He asks harshly although he is sure it's in your dorm room since it wasn't on the couch like it normally was. Since winter started it had become a daily ritual for him to grab your coat and yell.

"It uh..." You swallow knowing you cannot lie to him, "Its on my bed I think."

"Moron." He mutters baring his teeth, he opens the door to the dorm for you, "Good thing we are home then."

"Y..yea. Thank you Bakugou-senpai." You rush inside, hand resting on the handle to the stairwell. Anything to get from under his gaze.

"Y/N!" Kirishima pops out of the kitchen with a smile, "Dinner is in five okay?"

"Thank you, Kirishima-san but I am not feeling well." You feel needles prickle your back and swear you hear a soft popping sound.

"Oh okay. Is there anything I can do?" He asks softly, "Like some hot tea?"

"Um no thank you Kirishima-san." You pull open the door but he speaks a final time.

"Please call me Ejirou! Tomorrow is yours and Katsuki's turn to make breakfast. Let me know if you aren't feeling well enough to do it."

Fuck how could you forget. Was there even breakfast food in the house? You'd have to check later. Right now you wanted to be alone.

"I should be fine." You say ripping open the door just before Bakugou shakes his head in displeasure.

You flop on your bed as you think and think hard about your life and how you ended up here.

Saving one kid and her cat didn't make you a hero.

In fact every adjective you could think of today for that assignment proved that you weren't.

You were timid, selfish, sometimes ungrateful, irritable, childish, and reclusive.

Does that describe a hero?

No, no it does not.

You do not bother to change out of your school uniform as sleep begins to weigh heavy on your body, you are apathetic for your future self as you know your bra and your thigh highs will be leaving angirly marks on your sturdy frame.

Still you sleep, longing for it after not being able to catch a wink last night.

A knock comes at your door and you jump to your feet, fists ready before another impatient knock comes your way.

"Oi, Y/N. Open up." His voice is like razor blades across your skin as you've been caught for the thousandth time.

"Just...just a minute senpai." You stammer noting the tsk from the other side of the door. You attempt to straighten your hair as best you can, knowing full well he will fuss at you for sleeping in your uniform as it will wrinkle the skirt to seem shorter. You open the door to a surprise as disapproving eyes rove over your body.

"What did I tell you about napping in your uniform?" He bites, "Its always my week for laundry when you do and ironing the skirts are a bitch."

He pushes past you with tray in hand, a small bowl of soup and steaming tea slosh gently as he places it onto your desk. His eyes linger over your open journal you've left out and fear curdles in your stomach. Your face flushes as you swipe at the notebooks like a cat, knocking them from your desks, praying he did not read yesterday's depressing entry. You give an awkward smile as red eyes watch the tumbling pages.

"I..I don't want soup to get on them. Um thank you." You bow slightly.

"Kirishima made me bring it to you." He puts his hands in the pockets of his black sweatpants as he makes he way to exit, "Be sure to eat it while it's hot baka."

"Yes!" Is your only response as your door slams shut and you groan. Unzipping your skirt and tossing it to the floor before practically ripping the buttons off of your blouse to add it to the pile. You look over the warm soup and wonder how Kirishima knew Zenzai was your favorite.

Your eyes flutter from the taste, you consume it in haste, even drinking the broth striaght from the bowl. You send him a text thanking him for the delicious meal and all you get back is a question mark. You ignore it thinking maybe that was intended for someone else.

Somehow in the middle of doing your homework at your desk and daydreaming in the late hours of the night you had fallen asleep.

The sun filters in gently telling you that it is still early morning and Saturday at that. You let your eyes flutter closed before jolting upright, notebook pages cling to your cheek as you hit your phone to check the time.

No response but a black screen comes from your phone. You dont understand it the charger is clearly plugged into the port, you brought the cord over here for this very reason! You rip the paper from your cheek and follow the white cord just to groan angirly.

Phone did a lot of good to be charged when you SHOVED THE PRONGS INTO THE DRYWALL INSTEAD OF THE FUCKING OUTLET TWO CENTIMETERS AWAY.

Bullish makes it's way onto your mental list adding along side it foolish as your scramble for clothes hoping that it's still early enough to beat Bakugou to the kitchen.

You were supposed to get the ingredients for breakfast but you never even checked last night.

"FUCK!" You scream whisper as all that is clean in a bralette, crop top hoodie and leggings.

Items you would not normally wear when the boys were home thanks to the oogling eyes of Mineta.

You rush down the stairs two at a time as you stumble into the kitchen. Ripping a cabinet door off of its hinges in your haste causing you to stand perfectly still as you collected yourself. There was no bullshitting yourself out of this one by putting it back gently and letting the next person think it was broken.

Not with the screws with brackets attached hanging from the door. You place it behind the trash can and root through more cabinets only for your heart rate to increase.

"The fucking fridge!" You remind yourself as you fling open the door only for dinner meats to be available.

"Fuck." You hiss but there was still time, you had beaten Bakugou, that was enough time to go to the convenience store and pretend you were planning to go the morning of the whole time.

You rush to the door, slipping on your converse, you reach out to the hooks by the door for your hand to come up empty. Your hook is vacant, no jacket in sight when normally your jacket was there in the morning like magic. You damn yourself for having left it upstairs. There was no time to go back upstairs, every second was precious. You fling open the door only to be met with a red cheeked Bakugou, the wind whipping into the house with the threatening smell of snow.

Nothing more threatening than the look Bakugou was serving you.

"I know God damn well you were not stupid enough to think you could go out like that?" Pops ring out even beneath his gloves as he pushes past you with an armful of plastic bags.

Bags filled with ingredients for breakfast.

Your eyes burn with welling tears as the logo for the corner store etches itself into your retinas. Bakugou notices as he kicks off his shoes.

"Oi, you can cook. It will be fucking fine." He says passing the bags to you so he can shed his coat. You nod furiously biting your lip.

"See you wouldn't have lasted long with out a jacket." He tilts your face to his, it is harsh like his tone yet his eyes seem...soft as he speaks again, "The wind is bad enough it has you tearing up from just a few seconds of exposure."

"Ah..." You swipe at your reddening cheeks as he let's your chin drop, "Th..thank you Bakugou-sama."

"Yea yea just start cooking damn it. I'm starving." He hisses as he makes his way into the living room.

Shameful loops itself onto your long list.

You ready the griddle with bacon and mix the ingredients for homemade pancake mix quickly. You crank up the heat when you hear your other classmates stir in the living room.

"Bakugou please my favorite anime is on!" Denki whines loudly enough to be heard before a small explosion erupts. You peek into the living room to watch the exchange.

"I got here first dunce face fuck off and die." He growls, "Plus you only like that show for the big fake tits."

You giggle before a burning smell begins to tickle your nose, frantically you rush back into the kitchen. You've successfully burned half of the ration of bacon. You hide your mistake by sliding the slices of bacon into the trash. Maybe Bakugou wouldn't mind too much to cook the rest of the ingredients. You think you'll do better with the pancakes.

They sat like the internet said for them too. You even added some chocolate chips. You place a few on the hot griddle and flip them when the center begins to bubble. When a perfectly tan pancake winks back at you six times you bounce on the balls of your feet.

You could at least do something right. You place them on a plate and begin to do more adding different things here and there.

Bakugou walks in, a grimace on his face when he spies the cabinet door. Your cheeks burn but he spares you by not mentioning it.

He spies the half a pack of bacon uncooked and the rest discarded in the trash.

"Oi..." He watches your face sour and changed his mind on his comment, "Did you get the butter and syrup out?"

"No not yet." You flip another six perfect pancakes as he rummages through the fridge and the doorless cabinet.

"Pancakes look good." He says as he sets the stuff down, grabbing on and settling by the uncooked bacon, "Since they look so good I'll cook the bacon."

"Th..thank you Senpai."

"Don't fucking mention it." He says before taking a bite of the pancake. You watch and your stomach sours as a shudder goes through him with grimace painted lips.

"Oh no." You murmur and he keeps his eyes shut. He cannot bring himself to tell you it is awful. You grab onto a cake biting into it only to have a soapy after taste, your eyes water from both the unpleasant after taste immediately identifying your mistake as you think back to what went wrong. You put double the amount of flour called for into the batter and only the normal amount of everything else.

Stupid makes it's way right beneath useless on the list.

"It smells so good in here." Kirishima's eyes become delighted when he sees the stacked up cakes of various additions. Your eyes widen as you watch him in slow motion bringing the awful pancake to his lips. Irrationality forces your hand as you slap the pancake from his hand, surprising the three of you in the room. It hits the tile with a light slap before time speeds up again. You grab onto the plate and throw it all away pancakes and all.

"Suddenly I'm not feeling so well again, I think I may be sick and I don't want anyone else to catch it. Sorry for the inconvenience, Kirishima-senpai." You bow slightly before rushing to the stairwell fighting burning tears.

The door shuts with a loud pang and the slap of your footsteps fight with the thoughts in your head. You burst into your dorm room slamming the door and sliding down it.

Fat drops fall from your cheeks as you angrily wipe them away, sobbing harshly as you relive your failure over and over as if on repeat.

Watching Bakugou fight back a comment or possibly a gag as he tasted your food.

Melodramatic is scrawled into your brain.

Time ticks by and you avoid people at all costs, claiming to be ill. Even to go as far as avoiding training all through winter and well into spring.

You left class faster than anyone could stop you, running to the dorms to hole yourself up in your room. You did your share of the chores in the middle of the night or while the group was out and about. You were always invited depsite all of the ignored texts you had. Each person in your class trying their luck on asking you out of your room. All save one ash blonde.

Whenever an impatient knock came at your door you would become completely still, even going as far as holding your breath. As if you were prey who spotted a large predator that may not have noticed you just yet.

Eventually they would leave, setting some sort of item by the door. More often than not it was your favorite meal and a fresh set of clothes.

But today is a little different, today your door is blasted from its hinges with a sharp look staring you down. Deadly hands smoking, threatening to pop some more.

"Cut the bullshit Y/N. What's really going the fuck on?" You stare wide eyed at Bakugou in your crop top and leggings in your desk chair.

"I...I just haven't been feeling up to much." You stammer and he closes the distance. Clearly unsatisfied by your answer. He towers over you as you strain to stare up at him.

"I said cut the bullshit. I hate liars." He snarls and it cuts deep.

"Ahh I'm...I'm..." You struggle to come up with something but whatever you said wouldn't have mattered as the man before you blew up anyway. He leans close, gripping onto the arms of the chair causing you to press against the back of it.

But there was no escape from Bakugou Katsuki.

"You're what? Y/N? You're useless? Burdensome? Troublesome? Bullish? Foolish? Shameful? Pitiful? Melodramatic?" He yells and you shrink as if struck, "Shall I fucking go on?"

Your heart shatters with every beat as you stare up at the blonde through thick lashes. Did he think those things about you too?

"That is what you wrote isn't it in your class notebook? Before you crossed them all out?" He asks with a snarl. You gulp down the lie but it lodges in your throat. struggling to get past the quickly forming lump, choking you.

"I..."

"And then you settled for content? Are you content? Is someone who is content always hidden in their room like a damn hermit?" His eyes flicker to your open notebook and you follow, "Does someone who is content write about how sad they are in their journal every fucking day? Avoid theirs friends? Their family? Your mom called the dorm phone CRYING!"

He headbutts you then and your vision blurs.

"What..."

"Yea Y/N. In hysterics. I told her we just had some tough exams to study for. That you were fine and staying off your phone. I knew you were avoiding us but your mom? What the fuck?" You're stunned into silence and it kills him.

It's been killing him, he's hated to see the crestfallen look make a permanent residence on your face. Hated seeing you sneak away like a slinking cat who hates people.

Hated still that you would not come to one of your friends even if it wasn't him. It's why he left you so many care packages, why he demand to see if the other class mates got a reply from you.

Why he lingered in the classroom waiting to walk you.

He could accept you being distant from him and hell even your friends while you were working shit out but your own family? Especially your mother that he knows worries easily.

"There were other words you could have used to describe yourself. Strong. Resilient. Careful. Kind. Thoughtful. But you lingered on useless. Do you know how people get into the hero course?!"

When you don't answer he goes on.

"They are hand picked after the entrance exams. That's it. One look and they knew. Hardly anyone in the history of UA has been transferred to this class. And what happened to you?" His tone and body language are harsh but when you look into those crimson eyes you see something else.

That damn misguided passion. All his feelings masked beneath anger and aggression.

"I...I was transfered Bakugou-sama. From general studies." You finally speak.

"All might saw something he didn't initially see. You got a second look that most do not get. A hard enough second look for you to transfer into class 1A. So dont piss it away with your negative attitude."

"It's just that..." You don't go on. Cant go on. How can you expect your hot headed crush to ever like you back if you don't even like yourself.

He sighs and the anger leaves his body with the steam leaving his skin.

"I'm worried about you." He admits but cannot look you in the eye. Your cheeks burn and you twist your shirt in your shaking hands.

"Senpai..."

"No more senpai." He bites out tilting your face to his, beginning his tirade, "Its Katsuki from here on out. And you're gonna change how you speak to yourself. Instead of saying useless say I need more practice. More focus on this area of my quirk. And if you need help then ask for help God damn it. That's what the teachers are here for. What your classmates are here for. What I'm fucking here for. You got it?" His tone is stern and yet soft as he speaks.

"Yes, K..Katsuki." You whisper, thick eye lashes letting tears slip past. Heated thumbs swipe them away before he leans ever closer. Lips suddenly pressed to yours as you sit shocked in your desk chair. He breaks the kiss and drinks in your red cheeks with a smirk on his face. He lifts you, sits himself in your pink chair before setting you on his lap. All of the seriousness is back on his face before he speaks in a deadly husky tone.

"Now you're gonna be a good little friend and tell me everything."

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Life After Snowpiercer: Still Alive

Summery- Curtis (hints of You) makes his way through the cars, and reaches the end to find a surprise waiting for him. Violence. 

If you want to read the story Curtis told Nam, read it here- Past Horrors

Word Count- 2967

Chapter 3 / Masterlist

“OPEN IT, OPEN THE FUCKING GATE!”

Curtis stood at the final gate, the final mother fucking gate, his palms slapping at it, his boots ramming into it, and his rage, all that rage from the past 17 years, and more recently the two days it took him to fight his way here, so many lives, gone. His revolution had become a blood bath, Gilliam executed, Grey stabbed, Tonya shot, You… well he couldnt even let himself go there, not yet. Edgar, well fuck Edgar he betrayed, having left him laying among the rest, setting out right after the battle of the tunnel, leaving the majority of people behind to care for the dead and wounded. There was no time to stall.  

Hours before in horror he watched the front enders slaughter his people in the television screen,among a car full of children singing praises to the almighty Wilford, the saviour. The armed men entered the gate and were lost from sight. Curtis just felt that all of you were gunned down without a care. No…. He almost broke right then and there, he could see them entering the last car, the one where he supposedly had you kept safe. His breathing picked up, his chest tightened and black stars swarmed in his vision. Then the tv crackled the noises of gunshots and flares of white could be seen coming out of the darkest gateway, all of it so grainy on the screen, but it was picture clear for him. No bodies could be seen, but the way his whole being just shattered into a million biting glass edges, slicing unseen wounds through his mind, he lost you, he couldnt keep you safe after all. Tonya smacked his face. “Curtis snap out of it, you have to lead us”

How can I? Shes gone, they shot her. His mind pieced together an image of your body crumbled in the middle of the aisle, bright red blossoming around you like a opening flower across your back, your hand outreaching for the darkness that might have hid you. Your eyes, the ones hes seen laughing, crying and loving, glassed over sightless, that part that was a persons soul, the spark that brought them life in there eyes, gone. Gone, could it really be? Curtis, she was doomed the day she chose you, and you kept her anyways. Monster. You killed her.

Suddenly Tonya came into his vision again, and beyond her, Minister Mason crumbled on her knees, her rat like face, with those beady eyes and oversized false teeth saying his name “Curtis, I can help you!” The heavy weight of the gun in his palm had a purpose, and it felt FUCKING GOOD just then. Without even a moment in between her words and him registering what the fuck she was pleading for, he marched over and right to her forehead the muzzle settled, her eyes rolling up to look at it in fear, the yellowish whites of her eyes brimming with tears, pupils focused on the muzzle indenting against her forehead. “Curtis pleeease, I beg you!”

His expression, was that of a man who no longer gave a shit what happened to him, his finger squeezed and that bullet, with a little satisfaction for him, drilled through her brain, a splatter of red grazing the entire area. A wipe of his hand across his face, he turned back towards the gate, Nam already working on it. Switching to a new cartridge, he told those still remaining. “We go forward” And just as he came to the gate, Nam got it to swing open, and now this man became the darkest part of himself he could possibly be, the compassion he would show his fellow kind was simply gone. There was no hestitation in his actions. If anyone crossed his path, they were met with cold killing rage.

Now at the final gate, that god damn signature W holding him back from Wilford. Nam tried to stall Curtis, refusing to open that final one for reasons Curtis couldnt understand. His daughter Yona, moaned on a pile of coats, drugged and drunk beyond rational thought, the child was a pitiful sight indeed. “Open the gate Nam, now. Is this what you want?” Curtis emptied his pockets of the kronoles, flinging them at the ex security intel “Take it! Open the fucking gate now!” 

In a moment of weariness, Curtis stumbled to the floor, leaning back against the frame work staring at the door. Nam took some pity on the man and tossed him a smoke “Fucker better enjoy it, its the last one.” What the hell, Curtis thought, and he lit it, taking a stale drag of nicotine he hadnt experienced since he was 16 at a party. Finally he started talking, telling Nam all about how the beginning of his life on the train went. Inside his mind though, was a totally different conversation, his way of saying goodbye he supposed although numb at this point to everything, he could still sense the pain it was causing, vibrating in waves from him. 

“Hey handsome” Your hands would slide up his chest and circle around his neck. “Almost at the end of the line”

“Appears so Baby” Another drag of smoke escaping from him. 

“I guess were lucky we got this far right? I knew you would Curtis” Plucking his smoke from his lips and taking an inhale, washing the two of you in a billowing nicotine haze. 

“Leave it to you babygirl to find the bright side here.” He chuckled, seeing you now rise to the balls of your feet to kiss him, hell even imaginary your kisses could score a fire to settle in him. How he wished it was real. That you were here, fuck he missed you it was an ache in his chest.”I dont think Im going to be returning… “ His voice drifted off softly. 

“Oh handsome, you know I will find you again, another lifetime. You dont think this is truly the end of us?” 

“No? it seems like it” 

“Handsome, this is just one of many. I love you and we will see each other again. Now go do what you came to do.” you winked and returned the camel between his lips. Stepping away and leaving him alone once more.

Curtis lifted his gaze, asking one last final time. “Open the gate, please” Nam again shook his head, going off in how they MIGHT survive outside of the train, that the snow was melting, there was no need to stay. 

“What are you fucking nuts? go out there and freeze. Leave all these people here, no. Open the GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING DOOR” 

Then like the gate just knew, it clicked open and a flash of yellow stepped out, Nam shot backwards and in Claudes hand was a pistol. Composed as ever, she looked at Curtis. “Wilford will see you now.” 

He simply spared a glance at Nam, whom Yona was wailing and shaking to bring back to her, and he pushed up, and into the room, all cold steel metal and blue glows, along one wall was a kitchen gallery, all dark masculine looking wood work and at the table in the car, sat an older man with intense blue eyes, staring at Curtis while frying his steak, smirking. “Curtis! Lets take a look at you.” Wilford almost sounded joyful, impressed? “You did a mans work coming all the way up here, did you know its been years since anyones walked the entire length of this train. How about you sit down, lets chat.” Claude nudged him towards the seat. With contempt he obliged, sitting down. “Would you believe Ive never been to the tail section?”

Curtis spat out “why the hell not, we to dirty for you in the tail section?”

“You think the engine isnt without its own complications Curtis?” Wilford turned from frying his steak for half a second, fixing Curtis with a look of disappointment. “It gets awful noisy up here, and not many to talk to.” 

Who the fuck does he think he is? Noisy? Trying living with a thousand people in a iron box. “Right, you got steaks, room, and that whore will bring you whatever you want.”

“Curtis, everyone has there preordained position. And everyone is in there place…” Pointing at him with the greasy spatula, the steak starting to smoke and sizzle on the stove top. “Except you.” Turning back he flipped the steaks on a plate. 

“Yea, thats what people with the best place say to those in the worst place. There is not one soul who wouldnt willingly trade places with you.” Damn straight Baby, your voice encouraged him. 

“Would you?” Wilford questioned, seasoning his steak, how in the hell do seasons still exist? Perhaps you werent always the best voice of reasoning. 

“Fuck you” Curtis spat at him with hatred and disgust. 

Wilford sighed, as if exasperated with him. “Curtis, were all stuck on this train, and its a enclosed ecosystem with a fragile balance. Med rare?” Breaking his line of thought, Curtis ignored the question entirely, which Wilford paid no heed to. “population must be kept in balance, everything rigidly maintained. Now there are times… we have to take more drastic measures.” Wilford brought the steaks over, setting one perfectly cooked one in front of Curtis. “we simply dont have time to let natural selection take over, we all would be overcrowded on this train, starving. Remember starving Curtis? It took us a while to get the protein blocks going. I am truly sorry about that.” Wilford cut a bite of his steak and chewed between the rest of his words. “So we occasionally stir the pot to speak. Get things moving… The cast out of the seven, The McGregor Riots, and this one… My new favorite. The Great Curtis Revolution. Nice ring to it, right? The kids will love it” He winked one icy blue eye at Curtis as if it was a big joke between them. “I mean who was to expect you to come through with torches through the  Yekaterina tunnel? Pure genius, nothing like Gilliam or I expected” 

Curtis snapped his head a bit and confusion clouded his face He didnt just say that. “What?”

“Now come on, dont tell me you didnt know, Gilliam and I?” Giving an amused chuckle at Curtis confusion. “Front end and Tail end, we work together Curtis, he was more then a partner, he was my friend.”

“Bullshit, I dont believe you” Curtis stated, there was no way Gilliam was friends with Wilford, the hours the two of them had spent together discussing how to get here. 

A grin crossed Wilfords face “well our plan was that the rebellion was to end at the tunnel. Kill off most of you, send the rest back. Curtis, why do you think Gilliam conditioned you to be the leader after McGregor? Sadly, it was supposed to be your hurrah. Your going out like in that old movie…. Braveheart? Going out in a fight. Your name was to give the remaining tail enders hope. So Gilliam gave you everything you could want back there. No one messed with you, got to keep the pretty girl, no one shamed you for keeping both your hands. Wasnt it nice, be able to hold her with both.” Dont you dare listen to him baby, we chose each other, Your voice echoed and stressed.  A sickness washed over Curtis as these words, Wilford seemed none the wiser over what his words were doing, or he simply didnt care. “Gilliam said you were smart, but he could control you. Sadly he didnt.” Wilford wiped his mouth and tossed the napkin down, not even eating half the steak. “And why he had to pay the price. Im going to miss my friend, our long nightly chats.”

Still in disbelief over the news, Gilliam had been a mentor to him, a father when he needed advice. All those years, and he just fueled Curtis rage for this moment. No one knew that the traitorous snake was the man they all pledged there allegiance to. 

“But your little stunt, well it took out more of the front end then I had hoped, but what fun, right? Its okay, you tail enders throw off brats pretty quickly, we will recover. Theres really just one last thing to do.” Picking up a phone, he pressed a button and waited for an answer. “How many you got left back there?” He listened and looked at Claude “We still at 75 percent?” she gave a nod and he returned to whomever was on the phone “Kill off 75 percent…. actually you know what? In celebration of our 18th year, keep 18 extra alive. Thank you” 

Before he hung up, the barely there sound of gunfire blasted from the phone, and Curtis sprang to his feet. “YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Claude gave off one warning shot, which ricochet the bullet around the room, causing them all to duck momentarily. “God damn it Claude! Mind the engine.” Turning to Curtis who was straightening himself out and at this point ready to get this fucken over with. “God damn high strung woman, cant do nothing with them when they get to that point.” Wilford muttered to himself, going up the steps to check on the cylinders circling. Curtis followed him up, preparing to end this now. Wilford pulling out his own pistol from his robes, he cocked it at Curtis.”Mind your next move son. I got a proposition for ya, you might want to consider.” 

Curtis merely paused cause of the gun pointing at his chest, basic human instinct still riding out his anger. Clenching his jaw, the twitch ticking in tandem, Wilford motioned him forward. “Listen, I like you, you got spunk, You get the job done. I already have a predecessor, but I need someone who can take over Minister Masons place since you disposed of her. About time someone did, I couldnt stand that woman. At the time, she was my finest choice though. You carry out what I need done, I know you have it in you.” Sliding the gun back into his robe when it seemed Curtis was no longer about to attack him. “Once in a while you dispose of some unnecessary lives we no longer have use for, do some intimidation to out of control groups. I will let you stay up front, even bring your girl up here.”

“Shes still alive?” Curtis croaked, the haze of your name clouding his senses, could it be true, was there actually hope?

“What? Of course shes still alive Curtis. First shes a woman, I wouldnt have my men kill off any women her age unless she was unfit to bear children. Even if you werent in the picture I would have her brought up here, resupply the front end. Shes a pretty thing, make someone a good wife. We need to continue the supply after all. Second, shes yours and Gilliam made it clear she was necessary to keep you compliant. Why do you think we allowed you two to play house with those orphans? Her little pet project. Why we never collected those kids, yes I knew all about them all along.” Wilford spoke as if he was doing You and Curtis a major favor. The fucken ass. Curtis could just see you now, the roll of your eyes and arms folding over your chest, Child Bearing Wife? Go Fuck Yourself Wilford.

All this information sunk in, Still alive, You were still alive. He could have you back, it was as simple as saying yes at this point. Sinking to his knees, his hands came to his face, relief watering his eyes and a soft sob broke. Wilford circled the man, whispering to him “Imagine it Curtis, life of luxury up here, have your girl back. You wouldnt ever have to live in a cage per say again. Just follow my orders like a good little soldier. Its really that easy. Minister Everett, sounds fitting right? The tail ender who actually made something of himself. Gilliam would want that for you.” Then he walked away, leaving Curtis all alone, choking on another sob, his hand came to his head and brushed his signature beanie off, rubbing his head.  No Curtis, you are here for a reason, echoes of your voice shouted at him.  “And if I say no?” Wilford snorted with disdain at Curtis, rolling his eyes with exasperation. 

“Im giving you the deal of a life time and you dont want to take it? Fine, I guess I will have her killed Curtis, marched right up here and you can watch her die, or bring her up here and give her away to someone else? You can watch another man have her. Is that a better option. Its either you do this or you die and shes mine.” He gave a shrug. “The choice of your fates is in your hands.” Wilford was no fool, he knew how to work Curtis, already he could see the mans shoulders sink in a sign of defeat. Claude was perched near the gate entrance when it opened, a glance over her shoulder widened her smile, and she stepped aside. “Ahhh, I was wondering where my predecessor had gone off to, its about time you arrived. I was just telling Curtis all about what we set up for him.”

Curtis looked over his shoulder and the familiarity of the man struck him hard, it was like looking at you, your features in this young man was so prominent, he croaked out in disbelief. 

“Matt?!” 

Yes, your brother was still alive, healthy and alive. Dressed in a fine suit, well groomed, the young man smirked at Curtis. “Long time Curtis, good to see you again.”

@what-is-your-plan-today​ @jtargaryen18​ @curtisbbq​ @p8tn0lish​

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.