#i dont want to feel like im rotting from the inside anymore

[ozymoron]

i feel like i just need to get away from everything for a while yknow?

[ferigrieving]

when hell freezes over.

⊹ ࣪ in which touya todoroki finds himself.

a.n sorry this took so long i rewrote it like ten times because it wasnt going where i wanted to and it still lowkey isnt but i think this is the best ill do and im too excited to get to the later chapters so i might just rewrite them all to be better when im done ! i dont know im just really passionate abt this fic i literally got a writing notebook just for it...

tag list ; @itgetzweird08 !

⤷ masterlist ; requests open ; two – 2006 ; four – 2010 ; 4.4k words

touya todoroki was eight when his hair began to turn white.

his father had given up on him. said there was no point in training him. not when his quirk began eating away at his body everytime he used it.

every night, you would find more, and more burns. some more severe than the others, the skin peeling and rotting in ways you didn't know was possible. and every night, you’d place your cold, cold hands on him, and heal him as best as you could.

sometimes, you wanted to stop. your quirk made you feel like you had been plunged in an ice cold bath, hands holding you down as you struggled to breath. you could feel the ice creeping into your veins, threatening to freeze you from the inside out. but you kept on pushing. for touya. for the boy who couldn't give up, even if he wanted to.

“enji went to the doctor’s today.” touya spoke, leaning against the trunk of the big oak tree. “said i cant use my quirk anymore. ‘parently i have my mom’s body or… whatever.”

you could hear the anguish in his voice. his dream, no. his father’s dream was now a lost cause. all the hours, all the blood, the sweat, the tears, down the drain in an instant. all because he lost the genetics lottery. 

“what… what now?”

touya pushed away from the tree to look directly at you as he waited for his answer. the sun was beginning to set, casting an orange glow on both of you. you two never met in the daytime. afraid your parents would find out, that endeavour would find out. you were both on edge, and today’s news didn’t help at all.

“i dont know, toy’.”��

"you don’t know?” touya responded in disbelief. he was angry at the situation, and angry at himself. “of course you don’t know. you don’t know anything. do you even care?”

touya’s voice was harsh, cold. he didn’t mean to hurt you, he really didn’t. 

but when you’re an eight year old child who just had your dreams snapped away from you days after your birthday, it was a normal reaction. or as normal as one can be in a situation like this, anyway.

he began pacing, hands tugging at his hair with so much force you were afraid he would rip it from his scalp. touya’s hair had begun turning white in some places, and you didn't know whether it was from his mother, or from stress. you don't know which one you would have preferred.

you didn't know what to do. your parents never trained you on how to use your quirk at all. sometimes, selfishly, you wished you had a father like endeavour. a figure in your life that would help you hone your quirk the way enji did to touya. you could take it, the harsh words, and the unforgiving regime, if only it meant you could relieve the pain touya seemed to feel in every waking moment.

“i’m—” he mumbled, stopping to look at you.

touya looked like a mess. his skin was littered with burns and scars you couldn't heal all the way, his eyes bloodshot from tiredness and stress, hair messy and greasy.  his voice was soft, and if you really listened, you could hear him trembling.

“i didn’t mean that. i’m sorry.”

touya slowly walked over to your spot and sat down wordlessly. his shoulders slumped, and he brought his knees to his chest.  he didn’t say anything for a long time. the sound of cicadas surrounded the two of you, and the last of the sunlight faded away. the sky was dark, and a few stars had already begun to appear. the moon was half way dark, peeking out from behind the clouds in the night sky.

as touya rested, you slowly inched closer to him until your shoulder touched his. he didn’t flinch away, and instead slowly rested his head on your shoulder. 

after a few moments, he spoke softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“what am i going to do?”

touya was a just a kid, but sometimes you forgot that. you forgot that he was just a child, not some grown adult that could handle the pressure of the world on their shoulders like endeavour had made him out to be.

“have fun.”

touya’s head moved from your shoulder to look at you. 

”have fun?” he responded in disbelief. “i can’t really have fun when my quirk— when my whole life is falling apart, can i now?”

"your whole life doesn't have to revolve around your quirk, touya."

“how is it not supposed to revolve around my quirk?”

touya sat up straighter, putting distance between the two of you. he looked at you with an incredulous look, like you had just suggested he run away with his tail between his legs.

“all i’ve ever done is train, train, and train. train and work my butt off for a quirk i never even really wanted. and now it’s all going down the drain like i’m nothing more than trash.”

touya sat back against the tree again, leaning his head back and looking up at the stars, emerging from their cocoon once more.

”this is all i’ve ever had. without my quirk, i’m nothing.”

he was bitter and resentful. at his father, for lighting this fire under him. at his mother, for giving birth to him. at himself, for not being enough.

to touya, the idea of suddenly stopping everything he knew seemed impossible. being the number one hero was the only thing on his mind since the day he was born. it was engraved into his brain, and all he knew to do. 

so now that he was stripped of that, where did that leave him? what was he supposed to do? who was he, if not the less than perfect successor for his father?

“what am i gonna to do now, huh? play outside? play with others? run around like a freakin’ kid?”

“yeah, actually.. you should play with me.”

“play with you?” touya responded sceptically, raising an eyebrow at you. “what are we supposed to do? have a tea party?

the idea of playing, especially in his current state of mind, seemed like a foreign concept. you two played sometimes, yes, but touya sometimes felt like he was going through the motions, if anything. he never really found anything in playing house with you, or pretending he was a villain and you, a monster. at least thats what he told himself, anyway. he’d rather keel over and die than admit he enjoyed spending time with you.

“if you wanna.”

touya looked dumbfounded. like you had just sprouted a second head. he knew you could be a little slow sometimes, but this was too much.

“seriously? we’re like… eight. we’re too old for that. we’re basically teenagers. ‘n’ you want to spend your time playing tea party? ” he said, making a face. “when we could be doing something actually fun, like skipping rocks or something? don't you have anything else in that head of yours?”

“...we could go to the park?”

“the park?” touya repeated, staring at you, a sarcastic lilt to his voice. “why do you wanna go to the park? so we can sit and spin around on the roundabout till we fall off?” 

“i mean.. no one's gonna be there. its late, so we’ll have it all to ourselves, touya.”

“that’s…” he began before stopping.  it actually sounded kind of cool. the idea of sneaking into an empty park at night with you. the idea of getting caught… excited him.

he let out a grumble, looking away. “fine. let’s go to the park.” he relented.

touya slowly got up from the ground and dusted off his pants before sticking his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.

“this better not be stupid,” he muttered as the two of you began making your way through the park.

it was late, meaning there was basically no one out except the occasional night-shift worker or the local drunkard. the only sounds to accompany you were the cars driving past, or the songs of the crickets. as the two of you walked, touya glanced over at you.

he noticed the way you walked confidently, almost with purpose. he would often catch himself stumbling as he walked, still not used to his gangly limbs. you, on the other hand, seemed to move so flawlessly. he was premature, and as a result, was shorter than fuyumi, and probably natsuo when he becomes of age. he was taller than you, sure, but that wasn't a feat by any means considering your height.

he kept his gaze on you for a few more seconds before looking away.

“hey,” he spoke suddenly, breaking the silence. “how come ya’ never play with other kids?”

it was a question that was bothering him for a while now. you never seemed to want to go hang around other kids, opting to stick by his side. touya could never really figure out why. maybe he didn't want to. he couldn't tell.

“why would i, touya,” you grinned, stretching out his name and slinging an arm around his shoulder, relishing in the way he recoiled. “when i have you?

a scoff.

“don’t say that,” he said in a deadpanned voice, but there was a light flush beginning to spread across his face.

he wasn't used to receiving praise from anyone, but when it came from you… it made him uncharacteristically embarrassed. touya didn't particularly know his emotions very well, especially not one that made him so flustered he wanted to throw up. not one that only ever seemed to show its face whenever he was around you.

“seriously, though. i’ve never seen you talk to anyone else like you do with me. how come?”

touya continued walking, casting an expectant glance in your direction. you didn't know what to say.

he had no idea why he wanted to know so badly. why the idea of you talking to other kids bothered him so much.  and he knew it was stupid. you were allowed to make other friends. hell, he was the one not letting you make friends with other people. but the thought of you talking to anyone else other than him sent a sharp pang to his chest.

he shook the thought away, forcing the feeling of possessiveness down.

after a few moments of silence, he spoke again, keeping his gaze straight ahead.

“...what makes me so special, anyway?”

“shut up, touya.”

touya let out a surprised huff of air at your response.

he stopped walking and spun around to face you so suddenly, that you nearly ran into him. there was a scowl on his face, and his eyes were narrowed.

“don’t tell me what to do,” he replied in a low tone, trying to sound intimidating the way his father seemed to be so effortlessly.

he wasn’t quite sure why. maybe it was the thought of you giving your attention to someone other him, or maybe he just wanted some sort of response from you. 

he leaned closer, using his barely-there advantage of height to loom over you. he watched your face, trying to figure out what was going through that dumb head of yours.

touya’s face inches closer to yours, close enough that you could feel his warm breath fan across your face. his eyes were locked onto yours, watching intently as you began to shift uncomfortably.

your hands began to feel a lot colder than usual as your fingertips began to turn white. the warmth in your veins was quickly replaced with a chill that you were all too familiar with.

your heart was beating quick and fast. you hadn’t realised how hard it had been beating until you felt your heart thump against your chest. you were sure touya could hear it, with how close he was. 

you could feel the heat rising to your cheeks as he leaned in even closer, his eyes still locked in onto yours. there was a determined look in his eyes, like he was trying to figure you out.

“whatever. i wanna go on the seesaw.”

touya’s expression soured at your nonchalant reaction. instead of the nervous stammering and stuttering he was hoping for, you had calmly responded, not giving him the slightest show that he had any sort of effect over you.

he watched as you looked away, avoiding his gaze. there was a faint redness to your cheeks, and a part of him felt satisfied at the sight of it. but there was also an undercurrent of annoyance at the idea of being dismissed like that.

he let out a scoff and backed away, putting some distance between the two of you.

“the seesaw?” touya repeated, raising an eyebrow. “what are ya, five years old?”

he wasn’t quite sure what he had been expecting you to propose, but it certainly wasn’t that. the thought of standing on a children’s toy, awkwardly swinging up and down and up again, was laughable.

you, on the other hand, seemed completely serious as you nodded. “yeah!”

he stared at you for a moment, contemplating whether or not you were messing with him. but your expression was as deadpan as always, giving no hint that you were anything but sincere.

he let out a heavy sigh, rolling his eyes as a look of resignation crossed his face. “fine. let’s go on the damn seesaw.”

you grinned, bounding over to it with way too much energy someone should have in the dead of night. touya rolled his eyes again at your excitement. he was not particularly enthusiastic about going on a child’s toy, but he begrudgingly followed you to the playground. you practically dragged him over to the brightly painted seesaw, eagerly taking a seat on one side.

he reluctantly took a seat on the opposite one, the metal frame of the seesaw creaking under his weight. he glanced over at you, a frown on his face. "this is stupid."

you, on the other hand, were having the time of your life. you bounced up and down on the other end of the seesaw, giggling as the metal frame made squeaking sounds. touya sat on the other side, arms crossed, but you could tell by the way his shoulders were squared that he was trying not to fall off without giving in and actually play.

"come on," you said, gesturing for touya to bounce as well. "it's more fun when both of us are doing it."

"having fun yet?" you called out, still bouncing up and down like a hyperactive child. the metal frame between the two of you was starting to groan in protest.

touya let out a huff. "this is dumb," he repeated. "i'd rather be doing literally anything else right now."

he continued to bounce, but his movements were more restrained than yours. the whole thing seemed so childish, especially with you gleefully giggling away on the other end.

“fine! lets go on the swings then.” you frowned, peeling yourself off the seesaw sadly and trudging over to the swingset.

touya let out a scoff, his hold on you reluctantly loosening “of course its the swings,” he said with a roll of his eyes, shifting his hands to rest on your hips. “you always wanna go on those stupid things.”

“yeah i do. they're the coolest!”

you quickly regained your composure, however, and looked back at touya with a raised eyebrow. "slides are lame. swings are where it's at. you can go up and down!"

he let out a scoff again, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. "slides are better. they're faster. there's more adrenaline. now c’mon,” he murmured, walking side by side with you, absentmindedly matching the way you walked. left, right. left, right.

touya watched you closely as you sat down, his hands resting gingerly on your shoulders until you were safely seated on the swing. he stood there for a moment, his heart skipping a beat as your hair blew softly in the wind, framing your face with a few strands of hair.

he quickly brushed the feeling aside, shaking his head as he walked around to stand behind you.

“im gonna push you now, alright?”

“‘mkay!”

touya positioned himself behind you, his hands wrapped around the chains of the swing. his heart felt like it was trying to beat out of his chest. he took a deep breath, praying silently that you didn’t notice how nervous he actually was.

“okay, on the count of three…”

he began to count down, softly at first but gaining momentum as he reached the end. on three, he pushed you gently, propelling the swing forwards.

as you began to swing, touya let out a long exhale, his breath leaving him in a shaky whisper. he stood behind you, watching as you soared through the air, a smile on your face bigger than the moon. 

he couldn’t help but notice how… carefree you looked. how your hair would sometimes brush against his knuckles as he pulled you backwards. how you would throw your head back in laughter every time you reached the peak of the swing. touya pushed you again, watching as you ascended even higher this time.

the sight of you swinging back and forth, your hair blowing in the gentle breeze, made his heart flutter. touya couldn’t tear his gaze away from you, his eyes fixated on your figure as you gained momentum.

he swallowed hard, trying to steady his breathing. he didn’t know why he felt so flustered, he had been pushing you on the swings for years.

this time felt different though. maybe it was the way the moonlight shone on your skin, or the way your shoulders shook with quiet giggles.

“push me touya! higher!”

touya let out a scoff of mock annoyance, though he knew he couldn’t deny you. 

“you’re such a pain in the ass,” he muttered under his breath, pushing the swing with more force. 

watching you go higher and higher, your laughter filling the air, touya couldn’t help but smile to himself. he wanted to know what it was like to be up there, to see the moon, and the stars. to feel free, even for just a moment. 

and touya never understood why in movies the main characters always seemed to be ‘stuck in place’. stood there, looking like an idiot as something that could have easily been prevented from happening in front of them. he was old enough to understand that it was for the plot, but he couldn't help but feel frustrated when a character wanders back into the house with a killer in it for the nth time.

but now, he was frozen, his whole body seizing as the you swung up, and up, fingers slipping from the chains and your body falling, encapsulated by nothing but the light of the moon.

time seemed to slow down at that moment. he could hear the thumping of his own heart in his ears, like a primal drum, beating in time with the seconds ticking by.

he tried to call out to you, to warn you about the impending fall, but no sound came out of his agape mouth. he could only watch, feet glued to the ground, as you came back down towards the ground at an increasingly high speed.

touya’s heart skipped a beat, his blood turning to ice as he saw you slip from the swing. he wasn’t sure what overtook him in that moment, but he felt his body moving on its own. 

within seconds, he found himself darting forward, arms outstretched as he tried to catch you midair. panic surged through him like electricity, his thoughts racing a mile a minute.

touya had no time to think, no time to weigh the risks or the consequences of what he was about to do. he acted, pure instinct taking over his body.

he moved with an almost superhuman speed, his long legs covering the distance between you and him in the blink of an eye. touya felt his adrenaline spike as he stretched his arms out towards you, his eyes locked onto your falling form.

he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that this was a terrible idea. that he was putting himself in danger too. but in that moment, all he cared about was saving you.

time seemed to stretch on into infinity as he caught you, his arms encircling around your waist. he held you tight against his chest, the force of the impact causing him to stumble backwards. 

he fell onto the ground, landing on his back with a thud. the air left his lungs in a sharp exhale, his body tense as he tried to process what had just happened.

for a moment, touya laid there, his chest heaving as he struggled to catch his breath. his arms were still wrapped around you, holding you impossibly close against him.

“....touya?” your voice was small, eyes blown wide and terrified of every little thing that went bump in the night. you were always so strong, never wavering or faltering whenever you were around him. but here, right now, there was nothing you needed more than him.

"i got you," he breathed out, his voice shaky and ragged.

he held you closer, his hold on you tightening almost possessively. touya didn't know why his heart was pounding so hard, why his whole body felt like it was on fire.

he inhaled deeply, savoring the faint scent of your hair. it was a subtle, sweet fragrance that reminded him of wildflowers and sunshine.

"you're okay. i've got you," he repeated, more for his own reassurance than yours.

he sat up slowly, the movement causing him to wince slightly. his back was definitely going to hurt later, but he didn't care about that right now. all he cared about was making sure you were alright.

touya's eyes trailed over your form, searching for any signs of injury. he lifted a hand to gently cup your chin, tilting your face upwards so he could look at you properly.

he didnt know a single thing about taking care of others. didnt know how to put on a bandage, didnt know what medicine was what. didnt know how to comfort anyone, if at all. all he knew was what he saw his mother do, time, and time again.

his gaze softened as he looked into your eyes, taking in the sight of your tear-stained face. the sight tugged at his heartstrings, but he tried his best to keep his emotions in check.

he held your chin a little tighter, his thumb gently rubbing over your skin in a comforting motions.

"you're crying.”

“shut up. no– no ‘m not.”

touya couldn't help but roll his eyes at your reaction. even in moments like these, you were as stubborn as ever.

he let out a huff of amusement, shaking his head slightly as he used his thumb to wipe away the tears from your eyes.

"yeah, yeah, whatever you say," he said in a sarcastic tone. "because your tears are definitely just sweat, right?"

you nodded, shutting your eyes tight as you willed the world to stop spinning. you didn't know how people stomached going skydiving or riding rollercoasters, and you didn't think you ever would.

touya chuckled, his hand moving from your chin to pat your head fondly.

"you're an idiot, you know that?" he teased, his voice softening at the sight of your tear-stained face.

he hated seeing you cry. more than he knew he should.

the butterflies in his stomach stirred as he continued to hold you close, his hand still tangled in your hair. he tried to shake the feeling off, reminding himself that he was just being a good friend. that's all.

but as he sat there, with you in his arms and your tears staining his shirt, he couldn't ignore the fluttering in his chest.

he sat there for a moment, his fingers gently threading through your hair as he tried to catch his breath. he knew he should make sure you were actually okay, that your little stunt didn't actually get you hurt.

but right now, all he could focus on was you. the way your eyelashes fluttered against your skin as you blinked back tears, the way your lower lip trembled ever so slightly.

it was driving him crazy.

“can… can we go home?”

touya's heart ached at the sound of your soft, shaky voice. the way you looked so small and fragile in his arms right now made his chest tighten with an unfamiliar feeling. it was nauseating. you were always so strong around him, but seeing you like this was like flipping a switch in his brain.

he gently patted your head once more, his fingers lingering on your hair for a moment, before nodding.

"yeah," he responded, his voice quiet and hoarse. "yeah, we can go home."

he’d have to sneak you through the window again. as much as he wanted your parents to check you out now, it’d be too much of a risk.

touya's mind raced with thoughts as he helped you up onto your feet, his grip never loosening from your waist. 

he knew the drill by now. he would have to sneak you back into your room through your bedroom window, without getting caught by your parents. he took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart. he could do this. he'd done it several times before.

touya always walked you home after the first night. it was the least he could do, anyways. his father was cruel, but not cruel enough to not raise a gentleman.

and touya didn't mind walking you back home. in fact, there was a secret part of him that actually relished in the time alone with you. the comfortable silence, the gentle brush of your hand against his, the way the dim street lights illuminated your face.

he could pretend, even if just for a moment, that it was just the two of you in the world. no parents, no rules, no responsibilities.

it was a foolish dream, but he clung to it like a lifeline, nonetheless.

[ktchie]

Jason/Ted has done something to majorly piss you off so a night of femdom/teasing/edging is needed to teach him a lesson 😈

'Just you'

Sub!Ted x Reader

Smut, Angst and Fluff

♡other tags: blow jobs, submissive!Ted Lasso, tooth rotting fluff, heart wrenching Angst, porn with a light plot.

♤2.5k wordw

◇Ted made you jealous, a little punishment wouldn't hurt would it?

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

"Youre not crying are you, darling?" You asked mockingly, cruelly, and chuckling when Ted shook his head quickly - eyes closed and jaw clenched.

You gripped his cock in your palm, wet and loud with each movement. He shudders and writh under your hold, gasping with heaving chest and sweaty throat.

"P-please!" He cried, looking at you before falling back down again on the bed, mouth agape. "L-let me cu-cum! I'm..im-fuck!"

You chuckled once again, twisting your hand onto the head, stimulating the nerve under the tip of his cock - it made him moaned louder, messier, made his toes curl and eyes rolled back. "Youre adorable, you really think I would let you?"

"Oh please.." he begged weakly, lips almost trembling and he never look more beautiful. "H-honey please, i-im sorry-mgh shit!- please!" His thighs shook and his stomach tighten, his moaning got louder, whimpering pathetically at every second. 

His cock was soak with his own precum, wet with every pump. It made your mouth water but the fury inside your chest burn much deeper.

You grin before you removed your hand off his leaking cock, watching amusely as he sob.

"D-darlin" he whined, back arching - chasing the feeling of pleasure that had been cruelly yank from him. "Please..please.."

He looked at you with big eyes, wet with tears, pathethic and saddening.

He reached for you but you did not let him get closed, he whimpered lowly - hurt.

"Please honey? Can you..can you.." he bit his lip, he didn't even know what to ask, what to say, he wanted so many things from you, whether it be a kiss, a hug or a touch on his throbbing cock. He wanted it all and yet his tounge lay motionless on the roof of his mouth.

"Can I what?" You titled your head, watching as his throat bob and his eyes beg.

"..Kiss?" He settled with one word, doing his best to show you that he's desperate for it. "Please? I-ill be..ill be good for ya'"

"Ah yes, you will wouldn't you? Told me that earlier before you went off to talk to some woman and make me jealous"

Ted frowned and for a second you thought he's going to sob again. "I-i was- I was being a fool, I wanted to make you jealous cause i thought it would be fun but i- I was wrong"

"Of course you would say that, I mean look at you" you gestured to himself. "Laying on my bed with your cock red and leaking, pathetic"

Ted shook his head "you don't have to touch it anymore, love. You can just- can just leave me 'ere, but please don't be mad, please I was- i was a dumbass. I just wanted to-" he swallowed, his eyes suddenly not meeting your own.

"Just wanted to see how..how important i was to you and it was-it was dumb and I shouldn't have went to her but it just-i dont know, I just wanted to see.. I shouldn't have than that"

And God fucking dammit how can you be angry at him more?

"I wouldn't do it again, promise" he looked up to you then, big eyes so earnest and so hopeful and it does things to a woman like you.

"Ya dont hav'ta touch me anymore..I don't.. I don't care about it, you can just play with me and not let me finish and ill be okay but just..honey, please..dont be mad at me" he reach for your hand, the one you had used earlier to grip his throat. He pulled it slowly to his cheeks and press a kiss on the palm, all while looking at you like you hold the key to end his suffering. "Im sorry, please."

You clenched your jaw and lightly cursed, you can't fucking believe this, Ted literally have you dancing on his hand, you think you would burn the whole world if he ask this nicely.

"Youre killing me, sweetheart" you sealed your words with a passionate kiss on his wet mouth, hand now gripping his hair and pulling it. Groaning when he shudder underneath you. "You're a pain the ass, you know that? I couldn't even be mad at you properly without wanting to tell you how much I love you"

Ted, sweet sweet Ted, grinned so big, cheeks flushing red with your words as if he wasn't naked underneath you with his cock poking your ass. "I love you too"

"Dumbass" you leaned into him again, kiss him like you would never had a chance again, you captured every breath with your own mouth, swallowing anything he can offer and taking anything he can give. You lick his tounge, suck it and bit his lip. You groaned when he groaned and moaned when he moaned. He's getting needy now, humping you lightly, thighs almost trembling.

"Want to cum?" You asked lowly on his lips and Ted slowly opened his eyes, staring at you silently.

"Speak, baby." You peck his neck "Come on, tell me"

He moaned and gripped your hips tightly "d-dont know, up to ya'"

You chuckled "so if I say I don't want to and get up, you're not gonna be pissy all afternoon?"

"No" he answered quickly, the hands on your hips now settling on your back and pushing you slowly into him, embracing you with a sigh.

"Told ya', i dont care 'bout it anymore, I just want you to forgive me" he buried his face into your neck and sniff a little, it broke your heart, shattered it into a million pieces

"I thought you're gonna leave me" he whispered so lowly you almost thought it was nothing but a passing wind but once the words settled in your brain you feel like crying too.

"Oh honey.." you gripped him tight and you kinda want to hit your head on the wall for even doing this, for yelling at him, of course Ted would cry, would be so emotional, many people had left him before, many of those are the people he had never thought would leave him without looking back. He would still woke up at night with a cry of his father's name on his mouth and would still wonder how he can never be enough. You hate yourself a little more..

"Gosh, when you-when you ask to go home earlier I thought you're gonna leave me, that once we got back to the flat you'll pack up and leave" he sniff once again and you feel a little wetness on your neck.

"That you-that you would leave me and..I-i was so nervous because I couldn't loose ya', i-i just couldn't, I was prepared to do anythin' y'know? Beg on my knees or-or anythin' just to make you stay.." he gripped you more tighter, pulling you more closer, you thread your fingers into his hair and peck him on the side of his head. "I couldn't loose ya' y/n, I wouldn't.. I wouldn't know what to do"

"Shhh" you lightly pulled away and cradle his face in your palm, you wiped the tears that shed on his cheeks and kiss his forehead lightly. "Im not going to leave you, I would never, I love you so much okay? I'm sorry"

"No you don't gotta apologis-"

"No, I'm sorry" you caressed his cheeks, staring at him heatedly. "I shouldn't have..fuck, I shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have yell at you. I wish we just talk and did not let my frustration got the better of me-"

"'S okay, I understand why you're upset"

"Yes, but I should have still thought about what you would feel before I yell at you or, christ, push you in the bed and..y'know"

He smiled then and even with tears on his face it was still as pretty as ever. "'S okay, I like it"

You grinned at him and peck his nose. "Im sorry"

"Im sorry too"

You both kissed again, slower this time. Filled with love and adoration and promises that left unsaid. You sighed into his mouth before you went and kiss his neck, he shudder lightly. "Stay still, yeah?"

"Okay" he nodded his head obediently.

"Good boy" he moaned loudly on that one, cock twitching.

"You like it when I say that hm?"

Ted nod, breath broken. His tummy moved heavily underneath your palm, your fingers lightly tracing the hair depicted on his belly button.

"My good boy" you place a kiss on his collar bone. "My best boy" you peck at his throat and Ted's breath hitched, and the grip on his bedsheets tighten before you met his eyes, dark and soft and so utterly fucked out. "My love.." you kissed the spot right where his heart lay and grinned when he shudders.

Your hands went to his hips before you went down slowly, placing kisses on every skin you can reach until you're face to face with his cock, fat and thick with a large vein underneath. It dribbles with slick, dripping on his tummy staining his skin and you hummed before you licked it, gracing the tip of his dick teasingly.

Ted moaned loudly, almost like a sob.

"You have the prettiest cock I've ever seen, sweetheart" you grinned when he blush, eyes half lided and mouth agape as he looked down on you. "Pretty fucking thing, sweet too" you licked it once again and you heard him gasp.

"P-please" he whimpered, hand on your arm gently. "I cant-i can't take it anymore, please can you..oh god"

He shook when you took him all the way, fat head hitting the back of your throat. His thighs trembled and his back arched, chest sweaty and mouth chasing his breath.

"O-oh fuck! ho-honey" he whined, closing his eyes tightly as you twirled your tounge on his cock, drool dripping from the corner of your mouth and to his heavy balls.

You pulled away with a slurp, breathing heavy before you pump his wet cock quickly.

"Nghhh!" He jerked when your thumb traced his slit, stomach tightening.

"Feels good?" You ask, mesmerized on the way he looks at the moment. Blury eyes wet and looking like there's no thought on his head. "Words, Ted"

"'S good" he had slurred, closing his eyes and pushing his nose sideways on the pillow. "So-so good"

You grinned, hand slithering its way on his nipples before you flick it lightly, watching him jerked and cried out. "You look so handsome getting fucked by me"

Ted nodded his head, agreeing.

"Just ya" he mummbled "just for ya"

"Yeah? You like being handsome for me?"

"Mhm hm" he nodded his head, hips thrusting to chase for your palm, mouth agape. "Love being handsome f'you, haa fuck~" he whined when touch his heavy balls, playing with it as he shudders and shudders and a tear fell down on his eyes.

"Even with tears in your eyes you look good" you stated, pecking his cheeks before you went down once again, blowing a wind on his aching cock before you took it whole in your mouth.

Ted chocked out and arch his back, pushing it further into your warm mouth. "Ha~ oh plea-please!""

You hummed on his cock, bobbing your head up and down, nails digging on his thighs.

"Takin' me so deep, oh god h-honey" he threw his head back and groaned, exposing his throat. He briefly thrusted up, making you gag. Your eyes rolled back, you can feel your own wetness on your pants.

" 'm close, 'm close" he keeps repeating, you reach for his hand and place it at the back of your head. Encouraging him to use you like a toy, fuck your mouth like he owns it and make a mess on your throat. "I-i dont know, i- fuck!- don' wanna hurt ya-"

You rolled your eyes before pushing your head further into his cock, swallowing it and licking its length. As if saying you can handle it and Ted had actually nodded, eyes blazing with fire.

He put both of his palm on each of your cheeks, lifting your head lightly before he started thrusting up quickly, hitting the back of your throat over and over and over again mercilessly, even when drool drips and you lightly choke.

"F-fuck, ya look so fuckin' pretty" his words were so filthy but he had whined it, as if he couldn't take it. "S-so pretty with my cock in yer mouth, mhmm" he let go off one of your cheek and took a hold of your hair. " 'm gonna fuck it good, yeah?" He thrusted rather harshly "Thats what ya wa-want ain't that right?" He grinned, lazy and fucked out.

He cried out, closing his eyes before he used the grip in your hair to rapidly moved you up and down on his throbbing cock.

"Oh god" He let go of you lightly to help you breath but not even a word in youre back again on his dick, choking on it like you're meant to do so.

You're soaking at this point, your stomach tingling and your head mushy.

"F-feel so good" he had sobbed

"Feel So warm" he had followed, his pace slowing down. Dragging your own head onto his cock in a phase that you could savour his own slick before it can even drip down.

You moaned lowly before pulling his cock off your mouth, Ted whined once again before you went to his lips and kiss him, slowly, adoringly, as if pouring your own heart into it.

Your hand reach for his cock, hard and thick that you couldn't even properly grasped it.

"Mhmm" he moaned in to your mouth before you pulled away, pushing his face in your neck as you stroke him.

" 'm 'bout too, m 'bou too, o-oh god" he whimpered, pushing his face further and holding onto you for dear life.

"Let go for me" you replied, breath hot on his ears. "Be a good boy and cum on my hand"

Ted nod his head, moaning and shuddering. He grips your hips, humping your hand.

"H-honey" he whined, breath warmth and broken.

"I know" you cooed, your hand going faster. "Feels good yeah?" You pecked his shoulder

"My good boy..I love you"

He cried out on that one, going rigid as he spilled onto your hand with a loud moan followed by a whine and a sob. He trembled and his cum seems to not stop, it was warm and thick and he gripped on you tight as if you would slipped away.

"There we go, there's my good boy" you cooed at him, pulling away lightly to kiss his neck and cheeks. "My beautiful boy, you look so good"

"T-too much" he whispered, getting away from your still pumping hand and you chuckled before you pulled it away. Wiping his cam with a rag you keep on the bedside all while staring at him heave and blush from the orgasm.

"You okay?"

He nodded his head, half lided eyes open to look at you.

"Feels amazin', like I'm floating"

"Yeah?" You grinned and peck his lips, he chased for it as you pulled away. "Lets get you clean up, then dinner okay?"

Ted nod his head, smiling like he was under some drug.

"M'kay, love you. Just you"

You grinned so big you think your whole face would tear apart.

"I love you too, darling. Just you"

[alisria]

i know i am just smad because im tired and in pain and havent eaten in 12 hours and have no plans to but

i think as i approach 30 i am really starting to lose my mind a little bit about how ive spent 27 years putting my life on hold until X. like oh i will go out and do new things when i have X. i cant enjoy travelling until i have X. i cant be happy until i have X. and like. X doesnt seem possible anymore. i dont have the willpower to make it happen. i dont care enough. because i never gave myself anything to care about because that was something that would come after X. well what the fuck do i do when X never comes? feel like this forever? because ive certainly been dealing with that reality my entire life. and i can look at my friends and see they dont need X to be happy and thats fine and im so glad for them and i dont WANT them to need X but i do.

and it's like. okay well if X is my obstacle, what are the steps i need to take to get X? okay well join your support groups. go to your doctor. get more doctors. beg for help with X from them. from your family. and then the support groups say "you dont want it enough", the doctors say "you shouldnt want X at all", and your family doesnt answer your pleas because what you want doesn't matter, you dont want it enough, you should be doing other things, etc. and it's like. all my life i have felt like an absolutely massive part of me is missing. and the only thing that will fix it is X. doctor will give you vyvanse. doctor will give you all the hormones you can dream of without you even fucking asking. doctor will offer gender affirming surgery you dont even want. but you beg for X, you beg for help just getting closer to X, you write out a page of reasons why X would get you closer to finally feeling like a real person, like yourself, a self you havent even fucking met yet at nearly 30 years old, and doctor goes "ehhh well you need to learn to be happy without X. because you can't have it." and its like well girl what the FUCK do i do because thats the only thing ive literally ever wanted and i've structured my entire life over the pipe dream of maybe having it someday and i CANT have anything else until i have X and they kind of shrug and give you another doctor that goes yeah no you dont get a diagnosis and nothing is wrong with you and i wont help you get X so no more appointments call me if you need me but doctor i am fucking pagliacci.

and there's that nagging thought, that if i get X, nothing will change. the support groups tell you this. nothing will change. you will still be socially inept, you will still be mentally ill with agoraphobia, you will still struggle every fucking day of your life with choices that tear you apart. and i can hear that for 10 years and still feel incomplete without it. i am defective goods and i need a part installed and people either say "well you dont need that part to work!" "you can be happy without the part!" "you can never have the part, even if you get it installed it will never work so why even bother?" and this is supposed to feel like support. this is supposed to be positivity. but it's not. maybe it is for other people. but it isnt for me. but i can have hormones if i want!!!!! here you can transition wont that make you feel better!!!!! wont that make you hate yourself less!!!!! have as many hormones as you want!!!!!!!

and on tuesday im going to go to the doctor and smile and say everythings great im fine physiotherapy is working the meds are working everything is perfect see you in 3 months when i am quite literally rotting inside and there is no cure

im going to bed

[caluski]

why does no one care that i am like this, why does no one care ive been suicidal and self harming for most of my life, why does everyone who has ever claimed they love me insists on looking away so i can deal with it all on my own - i cannot deal with this on my own. i want to die, i want to die, i want to die forever, i want to never wake up, i want to be gone, i dont want to be alive anymore, i know im a bad person, i know im a bad person, i know i deserve this, but cant i just die instead of being here and being useless and only a burden to everyone around me. i hate being stupid and ugly and boring, i hate being the one everyone is ashamed of, i hate having no worth inside me, i hate bothering everyone with my desire to die, i know everyone leaves me on my own on purpose, i know people most of the time dont actually forget about me but choose to keep me out of their life. i know i will never matter in any way to anyone, i know that no one will actually ever care, i know this, i know this so well, i just choose to lie to myself so stubbornly, i lie to myself everyday saying such stupid fucking things as "maybe someone will find me tolerable one day" and "maybe i can actually talk to someone one day". all i wanted was someone to be by my side when im going thru it over and over again even if just to distract me from it all, someone who wont get pissed off even though i cry and apologize constantly, someone who will try to wait it out with my without leaving my side. but no matter how much i pray, no matter how much i cry, nothing ever changes for better, im becoming worse and worse, im becoming more and more worthless, im self-victimizing to the point of driving everyone mad, and i have no outlet left, i feel guilty about everything, i feel guilty about being miserable, i feel guilty about being quiet and indifferent, i feel guilty about enjoying the little things, i feel guilty for wanting love, i feel guilty for wanting company, i feel guilty for wanting to be seen, everything is miserable and everything feels so hopeless, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, even though i know my corpse will be left bloated and rotting in this very bedroom as everyone else remains indifferent at best. and what a fitting match to a rotten life that will be

[pop-roxs]

{Referencing this post: } https://www.tumblr.com/blondeaxolotl/749991556821483520?source=share

I don't talk about this normally and i'm not sure if this is okay to message you about but... I'm kinda going through it rn :( Do you have any advice on what someone who's really spiralling should do? Forget every day, every hour is a new struggle and I just want to wither away. I think I might have to withdraw from exams and it's a big deal because my parents sacrificed so much to get me to this stage, and I really just can't do this anymore I feel like i'm slowly rotting on the inside.... Not to mention the shame of outing myself to the school faculty that yes, I am in fact more than a little cuckoo /j

(You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I know it's a hard topic to chat about. Have a nice day though, hopefully your week is going better than mine. Here are some flowers for your struggles 💐)

oh hello anon!!

i think the best thing you could do right now is just take time for yourself. the school year is very close to ending, and from what it seems, exam season isnt the stress that youre ready for. despite the fact that your parents sacrificed a lot to get you to that point, your health should always come before your academics. if your parents are good parents, theyd definitely understand.

confiding in your friends i think would help as well. if you dont have anyone to chat with, id be open to do so, in here or on discord (if thats an option). maybe try to pick up a new hobby or binge your favorite series, replay your favorite game... treating yourself to something indulgent would be nice. you for sure deserve it, after all.

distractions, in the heat of the moment, help. venting to a willing friend and receiving comfort/validation helps. i understand that this next part seems a bit cheesy or whatever, but maybe writing down daily affirmations to say verbally in the mirror could help as well? saying things to yourself in your head is something, but its not nearly as much as saying it out loud to your face is. it can be something simple or something specific.

i can definitely say that now that i know about you and your struggles, i would be sad to hear that you are gone. i dont know who you are, and ive probably never talked to you before, but that doesnt mean i dont care. my advice may be stupid or disorganized, and thats because im not really the best person to ask about these things, though i fully genuinely care about anyone and everyone who feels like this.

every time i hear about someone who had attempted suicide and failed, i hear them say that theyre glad they didnt go through with it, or theyre glad that it hadnt worked. not once have i heard the opposite. you have a future. a really, really good future. please dont throw it away.

[epicvampiretime]

i am in pain. i am suffering constantly. i feel as though i am being torn apart by those i hold dearest to me, and even myself.

i have sacrificed my personality. my identity. my true self. all to please them. to save them the inconvenience and burden of having to accept me for who i truly am.

i feel as though i am a man wearing the rotting skin of a woman. its horrible and disgusting. i plea and beg to be truly loved, to no avail. they all love the woman. the dead, rotting woman.

i want to cry, but i am so tired. i feel sad and hurt. i just want to go home, to a body that i could love. a body that feels like me. but i cant. no matter how much i cry and pray to whatever god exists, i can never go home. i am stuck rotting. i am stuck living the life of someone im not. i am forever suffering. forever miserable. i am screaming and my insides are burning but nobody can hear me.

i fear the wretched monster i have become. i no longer recognize myself, or my body. it feels foreign. i feel horrible all the time. i dont know who i am anymore. all i live to do is keep the memory of a dead woman alive.

i cry for salvation. for someone to save me. someone to love me. someone to hold me in their arms and carry me home. to a place that feels warm and lovely. hell, even for someone to rip my impure soul to shreds. to fucking destroy me. desecrate me, and leave nothing. i would be destroyed, abandonded and discarded, but at least i would be free from this endless torment. this eternal nightmare.

but nobody will ever come.

[halfdeadgemini12]

Everything somehow gets more and more complicated. I feel like I dont have access to my own thoughts even tho im thinking all the time. I'm sick from thinking. I'm absolutely sick. I'm scared. I feel like Im drowning in darkness. I feel less and less like myself. I am foreign to my own self. Everything feels so far away, so cold and so unwelcoming. Nothing brings me comfort anymore, even thinking about death. I do not know who I am and what do I truly want. It seems Everything I want destroys me in the end. I do not know how to stop it all. It's been so long. I never learn. I cannot never learn because something cannot let me. I cannot win. I'm a shadow of a shadow I am a shell inside a shell. There's something else in me, like a parasite like an intruder. It takes over me. Cannot get rid of It. Nothing brings me joy anymore; cannot even think about such concepts. There's something blocked, full of grease and dust and something so sticky. So much of It. I'm rotting inside out. Continuosly. There's so little of me left. I cannot welcome peace. I'm a snake eating itself. I'm a poison to myself and others around me. I cannot stop hurting others i cannot stop myself from reacting, letting my emotions take over me. I cannot. I just cannot.

[eighties-goth-suicide-note]

you know its not enough, dont you, all this talk of chains and collars, its a joke compared to what you really want, you want to be ripped open, gutted from the inside out, until theres nothing left but raw nerves and desperation, you want someone to take you to that edge where youre not sure if you survive, where every breath feels like a curse, but you cant stop begging for more, because without that pain, what are you really, just another hollow thing pretending to be normal, craving for attention and appreciation, whilst drowning in this thought of you craving the pain like its the only thing that makes sense

the state of your insaneness is what should be studied. fortunately for you - starting the line of things ill be studying next 😈😈.

youre playing a dangerous game you know you cant win and yet, you still try 😈😈

tempting fate with every twisted thought, chasing the pain like its going to save you, but it never does, it just pulls you deeper, sinking into a place where theres no escape, you keep pushing the limits, daring me to break you, to take everything, but in the end, this game isnt about winning, its about how much you can lose before theres nothing left of you anymore

enough of that for now

its time to come back to brain and bed rotting

(prepare for our death 😈😈💀💀)

yes!! you should pull out my beating heart - the pulse of it will show how much i am devoted for you!! i can take all the pain, im very durable after all ^__^ i wouldnt mind you testing the boundaries of what i can take, you can have me barely breathing, choking on my own blood and i will still be standing. But dont be suprised when tables will turn ;3

[bibyebae]

i have rotted on the inside. my body is covered in moss and flies. i am all black and dark and dead.

i thank god for making suicide haram or else that what i would be thinking about all the time.

i failed all of them. i will continue to do that because thats all i can do.

nothing is going to fix this.

nothing is going to fix what i did to them.

i am as dark as midnight, i am as dead as an uprooted tree. i am covered in hurt that i deserve. i am a lonely comet that falls and burns and hurts.

poetry that comes out of hurt is the most beautiful. such an irony. when i get to heaven as im sure god at least forgives me, i will pray for my parents forgiveness. i will write beautiful poems that stem from love.

my sister sleeps beside me but she despises me. no, im not imagining that, it is a fact that can be seem from miles away. she is not here because she wants to, she only has no option, she is stuck in this disgusting hotel room

i smell of death and vomit and snot and piss. i will go shower now.

i promised them that i will be good, even if i never felt good in my life anymore. thats the least i can do trying to make it up for the hurt i caused.

my dreams have rotted anyway. as dead as the uprooted trees. that house near the living green tree has burned. my imaginary beautiful garden has withered.

who knows, when god forgives me he may give me my house near the forest with blooming flowers and green trees. i dont want to be the heavy snow that broke the branches, i dont want them to rot too, i have already broken enough in my fall. not anymore tho. the uprooted trees can not break anything anymore.

this is the bottom of the decaying well. dried up and useless. i didnt think i will get stuck there. that i will get trapped into the scary well that coraline describes. that i will metaphorically put my head in the oven. that i will overdose on the lamest medications. that i will vomit it all as i have never did in my whole existence.

funny how my words sounds so beautiful to me, maybe thats what i will do my whole life in my desolate dream home. but instead of dogs and butterflies and lady bugs and birds and a majestic ginkgo biloba tree i will have melancholy and broken poems.

funny how i adored mary oliver and my amazing friend said i am the arab mary oliver. we thought that because i will write beautiful poems. but she suffered most of her life. that i did not think tgat i would be.

funny how i will never be in love as mary was when she got her wife. how i will never have the claude monet colorful flowers. how i will cut my ear, again metaphorically. how i will bring my downfall like.. i have no idea who, maybe that what i will be remembered for after my death.

i hope my death is close. all the people dying in bombs and hunger and hurt. i deserve it more. i wish i can take their pain and hurt. i deserve it and they dont.

the sun is rising over the busy city and its beautiful life and beautiful looking people. i saw many beautiful things here. gods parting gift i suppose.

maybe i will flee the country when my parents are gone from this world. maybe then i will come here to see what i wanted to see and wanted to feel and wanted to touch. maybe gods consolation will be enough money for me to do that.

melancholy in the villages. melancholy in the city. melancholy, god i loved that word all my life, funny.

the skin above my eye is bruised. its a beautiful blessing from a beautiful god. no one will notice it.

i had a dream yesterday about a girl i used to probably love. probably. she was with me with kisses and hugs. her husband got her pregnant. she was happy. when she went into labor i left her on the hospital floor as soon as the nurses came to care for her. i knew that i never will see her again.

its okay. whoever might reads my rotting words should know thats its okay. when if i am not. the bottom of the well is good. its is as dark as i am . as empty as i am. at least i know that i can’t get any further into the earth. a blessing from a merciful god. la ilaha illa allah wa alhamdulla.

i used to love myself to bits and pieces.

i used to have a beautiful life.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

i used to.

[s-omething]

today is january 10 in 2023 and i thought i’d be happy by now.  that i’d feel at home and alive. turns out “home” just feels like some kind of extention of myself: if i’m good, it is good. if i’m not okay, it rots with me.  it isn’t filled with friends, laughs, cries, conversations, connections. no one comes, i sit in silence most of the time, looking at nothing. i have been distant, but at some point i make all efforts i could of reaching out and i guess my heart broke, i dont think friends want anything to do with me tbh.  i cant stop my mind racing on what i might have done wrong, i came up with too many answers without proof.  i thought i’d be less lonely, not more. i believed my dogs would be happier, now it just seems like i ruined their lives with my melancholy.  i buy the food i like but i still dont feel like eating it. i still drink myself to sleep sometimes, and sometimes drinking doesn’t do it either, the anxiety stays there, turns into anger.  i don’t have fun.  i am writing this today because i’m supposed to be learning to read my feelings, understand and accept them and work on communicating them, honestly it just feels like im getting it all wrong ‘cause i take too long to make it make sense and the answer is that im making drama out of small things.  i dont understand that, considering i soothe myself, do not show much emotion, control what comes out and swallow the most of it when i need to talk about it. i try to be practical and direct so they wont have a negative reaction or judgement out of it.  i think im bending to melancholic loneliness again and it’s terrifying. i have to be careful if i get sad because if it wins over me i might not get out of bed or eat or clean, work, pay bills, take my dogs for enough walks and just end up failing.  im not supposed to fail, im supposed to be happy, im home with my dogs and i am free.  am i cursed? why isnt it working? its already been 2 months, i was supposed to be okay. cooking isn’t fun anymore, i just drag myself to do it so i dont starve or get sick. while i cook i just resent myself in the fact that i will have to actually eat it later. it makes me anxious. i dont want to cook anymore.  turns out food will rot if you dont eat it, and i hate wasting food, it makes me anxious as well.  i made everything look the best i could, decorating as id like and now i absolutely hate it, to the point i avoid looking at details too long.  i have this urge to make things disappear if im not using them, it feels like too much, like they are not only standing there in the house, but standing inside my brain occupying space i don’t have. it doesn’t take too long, if i haven’t used something in a week, it starts to haunt me.  it’s been 6 hours. i finally had some bread, i had to, i could not open the bottle because of my weak ass hands.  i should cook real food, i know that, i can’t stop thinking about it.  there’s one meal left in the fridge and then im out, no meal. but i should have eaten it yesterday, its diner time today and i still couldn’t.  being honest here, i dont miss the way things were at all, i absolutely hated it and it was hell. i do miss my friends, i miss having people around, i miss having hope and plans. i daydreamed about what future would look like, now im in that future and everything is real but turns out im still me. maybe ill just never be okay.  it’s not that im not satisfied with my accomplishments, its not its just i got here, yay.. now what? i dont want anything, thinking of wanting something makes me anxious, i dont... want to want anything.  see, if i wanted all of this and i got it and im still a sad piece of shit, what’s the point? contini tastes like my 19th birthday. i drink it and feel the exact same feeling from that april 14th in 2018. i dont want anything from the future, i dont know how to accept help cause it honestly feels like torture, i love my friends but im certain i already lost them, i only listen to one song per day, repetely  thinking of changing into something else, listening to various songs or anything like that makes me want to rip out my skin on overwhelm. should i go back to anti depressants? i hate them, i hate being numb, i hate that they don’t make me happy or sad or angry or anything but empty. i absolutely will not do without orgams.  i kinda wish someone would beat me up so i could focus on something real and not stupid feelings that are just inside my brain yet having the power to paralyze me. i just need to cook some fucking food. maybe you can’t have friends correctly if you have depression, maybe i should just cook tomorrow. 

[nardonotes]

23 oct '24

7:25pm

woke up at 5pm today did absolutely nothing,, ( ;´ - `;) ended up cancelling on my friend because i was so fucking tired and just drained out man... i feel like i've been saying that i'm drained out forever now. BUT I REALLY AM!! like i have no motivation to do anything and my sleep has gotten so fucking bad to the point where i cant even just relax anymore. idk. this is literally seasonal depression hitting me bad!!!!!!

honestly, thank god im still writing these though,, cause the second i dont... oh it's over. ദ്ദി ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ ) but we hold on tight yall........ im getting there even though i am actually really struggling to keep myself intact LOL.. !!

anyways, after i ate some TACOS WITH SOFT SHELL TACOSSSSS ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ) i went to get my film developed YIPPIE!! im so happy,, i can't wait for them to come through, they'll probably be done tomorrow at around 11am, and im gonna pick them up during my lunch !! and i also bought mini baby cokes with my sister because my mum wanted them :33

now im bored as shit!! like -_-" what do i do? should i catch up on school work like i said? or should i rot like the stupid piece of shit i am........ i hate knowing i have potential to be better but being too lazy because i know i got that potential inside me which is like the only thing keeping me from falling far deep inasense idk anyways.

im going to write in my journal a bit and bujo... i also want to edit some pics but im going to do that another time. DAMN I REALLY JUST BE SAYING WHAT I WANT TO DO AND NOT DO THEM FFUCKKK!!!!!!! (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

also dreading the fact that i have work experience on friday... like i really hate that for me bro. like i REALLY HATE THAT. even though it's only for a few hours. -.- im so lazy.

im gonna pretend to be productive now. bye and goodnight. watch me not be able to sleep at all tonight. i might just fucking pull an all nighter.. fix my sleep again. who knows. i am unpredictable.(ᴗ_ ᴗ��)

song of the day: Fantasy by JADE ⭑.ᐟ

[thisisanude]

i wanna die so bad iwant to die there’s no escape ever every day i wake up and want to cry because i can’t get out of bed i just want to stay in bed all day and go back to sleep and i hate having to get up and do things and pretend like my life is normal and fine and act like i wanna hang out with people like my family especially but my friends too i just want to rot alone in my bed i cant do anything i feel ugly all the time i dont want to dye my hair my favorite ever hair ive ever done again for the concert im about to go to because it feels wrong to have my favorite hair during my least favorite time in my life it also feels wrong to put in any effort at all for my outfit for the concert even tho i was so excited about it and bought vip tickets months ago and i just don’t even want to go anymore the music sounds too happy for me right now i havent even listened to that artist in months like i used to listen to him every day for like a while and now i can’t because the songs sound too happy (even if the lyrics aren’t) and i just want to die so bad i don’t see myself getting out of this situation in a way that im happy and i only see myself getting more hurt and if i get any more hurt its gonna be really hard to stay alive and i really don’t want to deal with that i can’t i really can’t i want to kill myself so bad like ive never been this suicidal i don’t think but maybe im just forgetting. i have been suicidal before but never like this like i just do not see any other way out i wish i could die painlessly i really can’t take any more pain and every day i wish someone would just kill me like if my school shooting happened now even tho im not even in school anymore i prob would run towards it and not away from it like im not even kidding i guess i cant even say that cuz idk how id act in the actual situation but its like maybe then id go out a hero if i. tried to save someone else because they deserve to live more and they’d be happier living more. fuck i wish this cafe didn’t have so many people cuz i can’t keep my tears inside i just want to cry so bad all the time every day i cry and it sucks i hate crying so much it doesn’t make me feel better it only makes me feel worse but i cant stop. i feel uglier than i have in a long long time i feel like i cant breathe all the time i feel like an awful person and i want to die so bad please shoot me the guilt is killing me inside and yet if i tell everyone the truth their reactions will kill me more and thats why i cant keeep living i just need to die. so bad. please please please just let me die in my sleep like so painlessly and then i dont have to be in pain anymore

[sadiesleepyhead]

i might delete this later. who knows though

vent under the cut

i think im a bad person. i think maybe i was born with all of this badness inside of me and over the years my good person exterior has worn so thin that i just can’t keep it up anymore. i dont know what im doing.

i wish i wasnt self aware of this. i know im being shitty i know i suck right now. nobody hates me more than i hate myself at the moment. if i were an outsider looking in on this id tell people to cut me off too.

i dont feel like i can tell anyone anything either which fucking sucks but. i dont know. i dont know what the problem is. thats a lie i do. theres this fucking guilt eating away at me all of the time and its like its rotting my goddamn brain.

but i still cant tell anyone anything. i cant be struggling. i cant be having a hard time. i cant get frustrated or upset i cant cry i cant scream i cant. im not allowed to. its not as bad for me. my problems arent as bad. i can keep it together i can be the one who is strong.

except

except i cant anymore.

and i cant talk about it because i dont want to blame anyone else for any of my problems. i cant talk about it because xyz IS my fault. i cant talk to anyone about it because they cant handle hearing it. i cant talk to anyone about it for a thousand reasons that i cant even name.

i keep running away and hiding and its so fucking cowardly but i just cant deal with the pressure of it all. and its so stupid because there ISNT any pressure to just be present and be somebodys friend but everything is so overwhelming. i would say ‘right now’ but this has been going on for months.

and maybe it’d be better if i just cut myself off for everyone else so they dont have to do it. its not like theyd be missing out on much. im a shit friend. at least i can admit that much.

i think ive just reached a breaking point where everything from the last couple of years has collapsed in on me and im suddenly in the middle of processing it all at the same time. i dont think being back in this town helps. part of me wishes id never come back. i remember why i wanted to run away all of the time.

i dont feel like a person anymore. i dont know if there even is a ‘me’ at this point. my friends barely recognise me and isnt that just fucking great. i havent been able to recognise myself in a decade and now they cant either. who am i really? i dont even know who i was.

whatever. its me and the crushing weight of my own self-disappointment against the world i guess. and the world is winning.

ill be fine i always am. it just fucking sucks.

[green-pine]

Feeling nothing is weird, every time someone tells me about a problem, whether its theirs or a moral/ethical one, i have no reaction to it, no feelings towards them, nothing.

I dont even care anymore about eating or dressing good like i used to, everytime i look in the mirror i see a distrorted image of myself, i just see a clothed, anonimous body. I dont understand why, it only happens when i put on clothes for the outside world, its like they have no meaning for me anymore.

I actually feel this way towards everything so i dont know why it surprises me tbh, the feeling of pointlessness is extending itself, it is starting to cover every aspect of my life.

How long is this going to last? I usually forget these parentesis of my life after a while, thats why i write them down here, to remember them.

When i reread them, im not able to feel the way i felt at the time, so its just for the record i guess.

Did i gave up on life? I dont understand if i did, i dont know, all i know is that i dont care about it, both mine and the world's, i dont care about having a purpose, i dont care about looking good for the world, i dont care about interacting with It.

I just want to be alone Forever, to be forgotten, ignored, unconsidered. I want to sleep for as long as i can, i dont even care about being aware that somenthing is wrong with me, im totally disconnected with the world, with myself, i cant feel, i cant think, i cant do anything, im slowly rotting from the inside, there is only rotten things left in me, a hole created by an acid i made and keep pouring inside me until there is nothing left.

I am nothing, i am just a pathetic being, emotionless, careless, i dont even feel human anymore, there is nothing humaine left in me, everything its Just a big fog of nothing.

I'll soon be turning 20, im getting old, im getting useless, why cant i just end it, why do i even bother living anymore if nothing satisfies me nor gives me meaning anymore?

[sunny-venting-ig]

i feel awful.

i feel like there are bottle caps in my stomach and i feel like my head is in a blender.

I cant think i cant breath. why do i feel this way

i feel empty. i feel hopeless. i feel like im too low-energy for everyone and im not interacting with anyone. im calling for help on a deserted island that i trapped myself on after i had refused to accept help. water and food are pretty much the only things keeping me alive because i dont have much will to live anymore, yet i dont even drink or eat much anymore. i feel like im wasting time and oxygen and space and i wish i could just feel like a kid again. i wish i could be eating those microwavable meals while playing with those silly plushies i had. one was a bird and the other was a frog. but im just laying in bed crying, wishing that i wasnt so out of place. wishing that i could wake up as happy as everyone else and be happy for the day. wishing that i could still have hope instead of just existing. im not living anymore. im just existing as i tear myself apart and rot from the inside. i cant tell if i want to be saved or if i just want to drown in the sea of nothingness.

and i still say all of this even though no one gives a shit about my dumb problems. no one has even found this blog at all.