#ale tak juz jest nie. czlowiek woli sam sobie w oczy kłamać zamiast pogodzic sie z faktem ze po prostu ma na co sobie zaslużył

[caluski]

why does no one care that i am like this, why does no one care ive been suicidal and self harming for most of my life, why does everyone who has ever claimed they love me insists on looking away so i can deal with it all on my own - i cannot deal with this on my own. i want to die, i want to die, i want to die forever, i want to never wake up, i want to be gone, i dont want to be alive anymore, i know im a bad person, i know im a bad person, i know i deserve this, but cant i just die instead of being here and being useless and only a burden to everyone around me. i hate being stupid and ugly and boring, i hate being the one everyone is ashamed of, i hate having no worth inside me, i hate bothering everyone with my desire to die, i know everyone leaves me on my own on purpose, i know people most of the time dont actually forget about me but choose to keep me out of their life. i know i will never matter in any way to anyone, i know that no one will actually ever care, i know this, i know this so well, i just choose to lie to myself so stubbornly, i lie to myself everyday saying such stupid fucking things as "maybe someone will find me tolerable one day" and "maybe i can actually talk to someone one day". all i wanted was someone to be by my side when im going thru it over and over again even if just to distract me from it all, someone who wont get pissed off even though i cry and apologize constantly, someone who will try to wait it out with my without leaving my side. but no matter how much i pray, no matter how much i cry, nothing ever changes for better, im becoming worse and worse, im becoming more and more worthless, im self-victimizing to the point of driving everyone mad, and i have no outlet left, i feel guilty about everything, i feel guilty about being miserable, i feel guilty about being quiet and indifferent, i feel guilty about enjoying the little things, i feel guilty for wanting love, i feel guilty for wanting company, i feel guilty for wanting to be seen, everything is miserable and everything feels so hopeless, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, even though i know my corpse will be left bloated and rotting in this very bedroom as everyone else remains indifferent at best. and what a fitting match to a rotten life that will be