#i dont want that to happen so i better hiatus it and feel it if i still like to be here | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cosmousee · 1 month ago

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𝓖𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓦𝓱𝓲𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓼 𝓕𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓢𝓹𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓽 😇💌

Hey everybody! I am back from yet another hiatus (I will stop doing that I swear).

Hope you all are doing well~

Today’s reading is on gentle whispers from spirit. Now it can be anyone, the universe, the spirits, the Gods, your ancestors, whatever you believe in. Just call upon them while choosing your pile and yeah~

Lets get on with the reading, and remember whatever doesn’t resonate, pass it on<3

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Dang, pile 1, it feels like you’ve been going through so much and for a while now. Like it feels like a never ending cycle of some shit which is always going on and you can’t catch a break.

You might feel you got a breather for one day and you feel that nice, we had a good day today and then your day ends up with something or the other happening and then you’re in that cycle all over again.

Feels so much like my past month, so, bestie, I really get you.

There’s so much, you might have been in constant fight or flight mode, having to put so much effort and time and your mind in order to do a task. And ofcourse life doesn’t let you do one task at a time, its constant multitasking and its not easy.

Having to source your own energy to sustain yourself every. Single. Day. oh my god. Even as I type this I can feel the tiredness, but still the zeal to get the work done, the fire in your hearts, that whatever happens you want to do the things you love. This might be a clash between many of your own passion projects, or you know just even life, that you find time to work on your art, your story, your side business and then also find time to do laundry.

Its been constant juggling, constant heartache, headache, you name it, for a while now.

The very first image spirit showed me was a fireplace. You know those ones you sit in front of during winters, sipping a cup of hot chocolate, or coffee or whatever.

Spirit wants you to realise that you’ve done enough, you’ve spent enough. Its time for you to take rest, take a breather. And chill for like a good few days. Of course hard work has its own place, but that does not mean that you’ll burn yourself out.

And if you feel that you know, you HAVE to toil away at the thing only then you’ll achieve things in life, my dear, please take a seat, and a blanket and your choice of drink (its fine if its alcohol because I totally get it–but responsible consumption).

This past week, spirit got real with me and went, “You’re not supposed to struggle so much, you’re not supposed to be uncomfortable so much.” They were teaching me that when things get difficult, sometimes it’s best to just remove yourself from that situation and go to a better place. Its as simple as saying ‘I deserve better’ and then just yeet yourself from there. I know its easier said than done, and I've fought with spirit alot on this, and I still do. Because even I feel that you gotta go past the uncomfortable to grow.

But sometimes the discomfort is there just to teach you that there is comfort if you just ask for it, if you just look for it. If you just say that you deserve to live comfortably it’ll be there. You’ll just have to take that decision, make that call, ask for help and you shall receive it. And you’ll receive it in such intensity and you'll be so dumbfounded that why were you suffering so much.

I yap alot and I dont stop here you might have to read so many things and just–yeah. On the ending note I just want to say that spirit really wants you to take care of yourself, pushing yourself to achieve things is one thing, but spirit doesn’t want you to live in extremely uncomfortable situations. You’re their literal baby and I know they can be difficult sometimes, to teach you things, but they always look out for you too. (I can feel my guides being like ‘told you so’, doesn’t change the fact that y’all get on my nerves so much)

Wish you well pile 1 <3

That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3

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Pile 2

Pile 2, spirit is so so so proud of you, your journey, how far you’ve come.

They are so happy and so proud of the things you’ve done. And it feels like its literally everything, it can literally just be the way you’ve done your hair and they’re like “You’re doing amazing sweetie!” and they have their camera on and they’re recording you.

I mean in my head it feels like, you woke up, you are so tired, but you still made your bed before you leave for the day, and SPIRIT IS LIKE HOLY SHIT MY BABY MADE THEIR BED with literal tears in their eyes.

They see you, they acknowledge you and they are just in awe of you and what ever you are doing. It’s literally like you don’t have to be Alexander The Great or you know, do some out of the universe type of shit to get them to be proud of you.

Its just unconditional love and support. You defended yourself against someone who was being mean to you, and you felt a little bad about it?

I can literally see spirit, with their arms crossed, and they are nodding like “Exactly my child! This is exactly what you should do!”.

So spirit is with you, every, single, step of the way, remember that.

Also, they mean to tell you that there is greater happiness, greater contentment waiting for you if you open your heart to it.

You might as well just be happy where you are, and spirit has no problem with it. They’re just letting you know, that if you want and you need, just open your heart and there’s gonna be a whole new world for you.

(see I asked for gentle whispers and this might be the gentle part, and in reality they might be pushing the fuck out of you to go follow that path and drop signs left, right and centre. So I thought of putting this out there)

Im saying this because I had this imagery of a person just putting their hand on their heart and closing their eyes and just beams of strings emerge out of their heart. Your heart will tell you where to go if you listen to it and if you want it.

Spirit is being real as well, once you open your heart and many opportunities pour in and it’ll be hectic, it’ll be draining, it can feel as if you’ve been working the whole day and you just come back and you just sleep. Like you lay on the bed and in a second you’re out cold and this repeats every day. Because when you do things your heart desires it takes SO MUCH of your energy.

Okay so this can be sort of a confirmation for some of y’all as well who have listened to their heart and are on the path. Because you’re getting so tired you might feel that you’ve done something wrong.

You haven’t.

This will go on for a while till it settles. You might feel a bit sad that you don’t have much energy to put elsewhere or whatever. But it isn’t for long. Your spiritual team is always there cheering you on and being so very proud of you. Keep going and do well~ I am also so very proud of you cuties<3

Wish you well pile 2 <3

That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3

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Pile 3

Dear pile 3, how long has it been since you’ve taken a slow, refreshing walk? When was the last time you’ve actually felt your thoughts were slow, when you could actually think instead of your thoughts going a hundred miles per hour?

Hold your horses guys.

Spirit is telling you to be gentle with yourselves, to “chill” as they just said. They’re telling you that life is not going anywhere, you may feel that just because. You may feel that because you’re trying to see where you are in reference to others.

But look at yourself, just at yourself, and your life. You’re at the right place my sweetheart, be in no hurry. There’s no rush. If you stop and you feel, you’ll get the cool breeze on your face, gently passing through the strands of your hair. You’ll smell the fresh grass, you’ll feel the cool air, the sun and you’ll be very content.

Give yourself a break. At least a short one.

I know realistically and practically you might have a proper job and you’ll be like “I HAVE A SPREADSHEET DUE TONIGHT AND YOU’RE TELLING ME TO CHILL?!”

And honestly, I get you, because even I have so many things due tomorrow…and I haven’t even started and its like 11:51pm at my place right now.

Its okay. Its fine even if you take a break for 5 minutes. But let it be a break. Let your brain rest. Treat it as your leisure time. And if you can take a longer break then even better.

Chill out, bake some cookies man, listen to music. Just doom scroll. Hustle is a joke, its a prank and its better to stay the fuck away from it. False urgency is NOT REAL.

Honestly, take a break and not just because of that. You’ll realise how much more productive you are after that. When I was doing my undergraduate in psychology, we had this concept of insight learning. Its basically that when you cannot figure out a solution, just let it be. Go do something else and your subconscious will have an answer ready in an instant.

So taking a break doesn’t mean you aren’t still working. Your brain will, in its subconscious. That is literally its job. So even though you are doom scrolling, your brain is working at it backend. You just have to convince your conscious brain that yeah this break is essential and anyways the backend is at its job right wink wink

Don’t be afraid to take your time, things will work out well for you. Don’t burn yourself out okay? It takes so much to get back on your feet once you get burnout. (been there done that way too many times).

Even if you feel this was unrealistic of them to ask you to take breaks, I hope you just try. Maybe start for like 3 minutes with a timer on and then if you feel it worked, then you can always increase it!

Wish you well pile 3 <3

That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3

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heuldoch7b · 1 month ago

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while i was gone, i was deeply contemplative about part of what made me take a hiatus in the first place, which is shame. long post forewarning

growing up on the internet (i was 10 when i started using the internet, back in 2010-11) and something i was (and frankly, still am) constantly exposed to was shaming others. ranging from "light hearted" shaming; this ranged from poking fun at an amateur artists work for it looking funny or it being super "tumblry" to shaming with the guise of social justice, you know "hey this artist draws X and thats BAD and if you support them youre JUST AS BAD".

when i was younger i poked fun at other artists and engaged in cancel culture, on a very small scale (just my friends and i) and i regret it. it was entirely due to my own low self esteem and peojecting fear of being made fun of myself. but ive retained that fear, even as i've matured and grown to understand how unkind it is to shame and mock others, ESPECIALLY as myself a weird, autistic artist who draws "cringe but free" stuff

and even with regards to problematic content, stuff that, reasonably more often than not, ellicits a "yuck" reaction out of most viewers, has turned more into a genuine social risk of getting a callout over being immoral or gross and losing your social circles and delving into isolation. this happened to me. i think it genuinely messed me up, and im dealing with it even now.

it has lead me to be avoidant of being honest about what i like, and being afraid of befriending others due to fear of being dropped again. this is of course not fair to you, potential reader, but unfair to myself as well. i want to develop a healthier respect for my friends as well as myself about what i do and dont like, and not feeling guilty for saying no or not liking something.

i think, as i remake my old pinned post, i am going to be more explicit on stuff, i like shipping the primarchs! i love it very much even. and if you do not thats absolutely A-OK. i like drawing the dismal warcriminals as genderweird. i like maybe skirting away from how chronically cynical and dour the universe (which i do still enjoy, im into warhammer FOR warhammer) and making silly, comfy stuff. fuck i LOVE drawing weird heroic nudity mythological scenes where some characters are like, centaurs, cause its sick as fuck.

and with all that i myself need to be okay with maybe people who i enjoy their work of dont really jive with all that, and that isnt the end of the world, its just being honest with oneself, and thats really important to do. i will be trying to maybe tag sensitive stuff like primarchcest better, so people can filter it out, but i am not gonna be hypervigilant about tagging everything because that would make me neurotic and id rather just be unfollowed or blocked at that point.

anywho, i really just wanted to put my thoughts down into words and share them, i honestly wrote this out and deleted it like 3 times already due to, hilariously, shame. but this is a really important topic to me and extremely relevant to my social presence on this website. i care for you all immensely, even if we are all strangers online.

i will be sad if i lose potential friendships over the things i like, but theres literally thousands of people if not more on this website, and it so fine and healthy to go like "eh no i dont want that in my life" to something like someones specific fuckin fandom art LOL

if any of you want to talk to me about your experiences with shame, id welcome it, may it be through a reblog or messaging me personally. i think its really important for all of us to be unashamed, mindful of course, but not stifling ourselves. be free have fun type stuff. i hope i can drop my own shackles too. thanks for reading

#long post #big ramble post my roomate told me i should share this so i am

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serverusslaype · 1 year ago

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Shameless, pt. 15

Severus Snape x professor!reader fic

Shameless Masterpost

hey guys.................. dont kill me. i'm so sorry for the incredibly lengthy hiatus.... i had no motivation, each time i opened the file to type i'd type a couple words, maybe a paragraph and close it. i finally found the motivation to finish this chapter recently, i'm hoping it stays. it's been a rough couple months, so hoping this can help me feel a bit better!!

i felt really guilty for sort of abandoning the fic where it was, but i couldn't force myself to write anything, there was no creative juice, i think i sort of burnt myself out. and for the previous posts saying i was back, i thought i was, but i'd have the smallest spark of inspiration and try to write, but then nothing happened, and i felt bad so i didn't want to say something like, sorry, i lied. :(

hopefully this chapter is okay, i know most of you won't like it, but i'm so glad i finally finished it, it was one of the hardest to write because i had so many ideas on how it'd end and effect the whole story itself, so i had to make sure it made sense.

i can't believe you guys are still here after so long, it made me emotional to see all of your asks and comments and likes, i was just floored to be honest, so thank you so much for your unwavering support. i love you all so so much. honestly. holy shit. this has been a journey. <3 i hope you guys are all doing brilliantly.

warnings: lack of snape, swearing, mentions of adultery, slight domestic violence, verbal abuse at the end

You didn't know where to go. You felt... lost. You couldn't exactly go back to your quarters, not with Ben there, you didn't need more questions about why you were crying your eyes out at this time of night. It's not like you could tell him the truth.

So, you did what anyone would: go for a midnight walk. Well, at least that's what you thought anyone would do when they had nowhere to go. You'd hoped that the fresh, cold air would soothe your burning lungs, and the gentle breeze would dry your teary eyes. In an even deeper, darker part of your mind, you also hoped that Black would find you. Perhaps that would make everything... easier.

With tears still streaming freely from your eyes and heavy feet, you padded towards the large, magnificent doors that led to the outside with your arms wrapped around your body tightly; trying your best not to breakdown until you were alone. Your hands were still shaking as you pushed them against the doors, opening it a tad as the cool wind blew through the crack and into your face. You gasped a little at the sharp breeze, but nonetheless you slipped out, and made your way into the courtyard. The temperature was a little more biting than you had anticipated, and so you squeezed your arms around yourself a little tighter, walking towards the infamous wooden, crooked bridge.

As you sauntered through the courtyard, the only noises you heard were the owls hooting in the distance, the gentle breeze brushing through the burnt-amber leaved trees and the faint clack of your heels against the cobblestoned ground. In all honesty, it did feel a little eerie to the say the least, but at this very moment that was the least of your worries. All you wanted was a little time alone to cry, or grieve what could have been with ...Severus.

Gods, it hurt to even think his name, let alone speak it.

You reached the wooden bridge, and you stopped in the middle of it; leaning against the intricately carved columns to gaze out at the highlands. The moonlight casted a gorgeous glaze-like reflection upon the Black Lake, and it twinkled beautifully, almost hypnotising you like an illusion. Your eyes flicked up to the moon and glanced around it, staring at the glittering stars surrounding it like a perfect painting. Only times like this did you miss teaching Astronomy. As your mind reeled back to your first year teaching at Hogwarts, you relished in the time where you did not know the man named Severus Snape, and suddenly your heart sank in your chest like an anchor dropped at sea. You were so naive back then, unknowing of what was to come.

As the memories of you and Severus flooded your mind like a dam breaking, you let yourself cry. You could still feel his lips on yours, his fingertips gently tracing the curves and grooves of your skin, the words he'd whispered into your ear - it was all there, stained on your skin, like a tattoo - or perhaps a branding. And now you had to live with it. You weren't sure if you'd survive this time, especially not with how deeply you felt for him. You were torn between pretending he didn't exist and trying to talk to him, perhaps even telling him how you felt, but truth be told you were petrified of how he'd react. Would he even look at you again with those glittering black eyes you'd come to adore so hopelessly? Would he dare speak to you again, knowing that he'd charmed you? Maybe he'd relish in the fact that he'd done so, take pride in bewitching you, and make you hurt for it. You knew Snape could be rather cruel, your school days here with him as your teacher was enough for you to know that.

All these unanswered questions swam through your head and you felt yourself becoming suffocated from them, and it suddenly felt as if your lungs had filled with water, drowning you. You sobbed helplessly as you slid down the wooden wall behind you with your hands against your face, the rough edges scratching your back through your clothes rather uncomfortably.

"Y/N?" A voice came from beside you, and you froze. You turned your head away from them and quickly used your sleeve to wipe your eyes, drying the tears that had fallen from them. Only one person has a voice as soft as the one you had just heard.

You gave yourself a moment to gather yourself before even attempting to use your voice.

"Hello, Remus." You croaked quietly, sniffling.

"What on Earth are you doing out here so late?" He questioned gently, and you heard him take a step towards you. "Are you alright?"

"Quite dandy," you sarcastically quipped, sighing deeply, "I'm brilliant..." You turned your head to face him, and immediately, his face softened at the sight of your own. You were sat up against the side of the bridge, knees up against your chest and your arms wrapped around them; nose and eyes red, wet with tears. Remus quickly dropped down to his knees beside you, placing a soothing hand upon your forearm.

"What happened?" Remus asked, careful to keep his voice quiet and soft. With empty eyes, you stared into his worried ones, and instantly you felt terrible. The last thing you wanted was people worrying over you.

You looked away, down at the ground. "I..." you mumbled, sighing, "it's a... long... story." You spoke slowly. From the corner of your eye, you saw a small smile quirk up on Remus's lips.

"I've got time, my dear." He replied as his thumb brushed your forearm, silently encouraging you to talk. You felt at ease in Remus's presence, it was almost like he had a calm aura around him, and naturally your body relaxed beside his. You took a deep breath.

"Erm," you choked, sniffling again, "it's Se... Snape." You couldn't bring yourself to say his first name without crumbling into a million pieces.

Remus let out a gentle breath. "Snape, of course," He tutted, glancing between you and the ground. "What's he done?" The fact that Remus reacted like he had expected Snape to have hurt you, further broke your heart. Were you the only one to have seen through his icy exterior?

"Broken my heart," You laughed dryly, and you had to fight back another bout of tears. Remus's brows furrowed in confusion at you. "We... I... Look, I'm not sure how to explain this to you. But... I fell..." You trailed off, unable to finish your sentence. Your heart hurt too much. You only hoped that Remus knew what you were about to say.

Remus blinked and stared at you, shocked. Clearly, the two of you had hidden your 'relationship' well - so well that everyone was oblivious to it. "You fell...?" He frowned.

"In love... with him..." You almost whispered, avoiding Remus's eyes. You weren't sure if you'd be able to handle the look in them.

"You're in love with... Severus?" Remus repeated, and you squeezed your eyes shut at his words. They were like daggers, stabbing your bleeding heart. It was almost like you could feel it trembling inside of your chest, begging you to free it from this cycle of torment. "But... Aren't you with... Ben? And... Severus... he's..."

"I know," you sighed, noticing his confusion, "I had feelings for Severus before I met Ben. And it sort of just, like, spiralled out of control, and now, erm, here I am- Gods, I should have just listened to Minerva, I wouldn't be here right now, hurting like this." You ranted, another strangled sob leaving your throat. Remus watched you, and his eyes softened. He felt terrible for you. "She warned me, Remus, why didn't I just listen to her?!" You cried, letting your head fall into your hands.

"Y/N," Remus whispered, reaching out a cautious hand to pry your face from your hands. With a soft gasp, you looked up with teary eyes, and he wiped a stray tear from your cheek. "We don't get to choose who we do and don't fall in love with. We follow our hearts blindly, most of the time, unknowingly." He said, and moved his hand from your wet cheek to your shoulder, rubbing it soothingly. "It's beyond our control who we love."

There was a moment of silence.

"...What do I do, Remus?" You sobbed softly, sniffling, looking at your knees.

"Have you told him?"

"No."

"I think you should."

"But what about Ben? Shouldn't I... deal with... that first?" You sniffled again. "And what if Severus doesn't feel the same way about me? Then what?"

Remus paused for a moment, thinking. You looked up at him. "What if he does?" He said, a small, comforting smile tickling his lips as he stared at you.

"Well- from the way he treated me earlier... I truly doubt it, Remus." You scoffed, glancing away from his pitying brown eyes.

Remus sighed, and you clenched your jaw. "Regret is a terrible thing, Y/N," he said, "it's such a short word, yet it stretches on forever." Your eyes were glued on the ground and your body was still, but your mind was running a million miles an hour.

You sat there in silence for a short moment, thinking deeply. Remus was right. You'd regret it for the rest of your life if you didn't tell Severus how you felt. That chance of him reciprocating your feelings was small, but it was still there. If he didn't feel the same, fine, you'd move on. Eventually. And if he did?...

"...Alright," You nodded sheepishly. "I'll tell him. I just... need to, erm, work out when and more specifically, how. Like, do I just straight up blurt it out? Work my way up to it? H-how do you know it's the right time?" You rambled with tears still falling from your eyes, glancing through them at Remus who sat beside you with a soft expression upon his features.

"You'll know." Was all he said before slowly standing and holding out a hand for you to take. Graciously, you took it, and Remus pulled you to your feet. "Feel better?" He hummed, casting a glance out at the moon, then a worried look suddenly struck his eyes. You noticed and frowned slightly at his behaviour.

The moon?

"A little." You forced a smile upon your lips, and lifted up a hand to wipe the remaining stray tears upon your red cheeks. Remus looked back at you, and returned your smile. "How come you were out so late?" You asked curiously, brushing off his odd reaction to seeing a moon.

"A walk in the night does me good," Remus shrugged, and began to walk back towards the castle with you beside him. "Clears my head."

"Ah, well, I suppose I'm glad you found me, then." You chuckled awkwardly, folding your arms against your chest.

Remus smiled at you and placed an arm around your shoulders, giving you a squeeze. "Let's get you back to your quarters, Y/N, you look like an ice block." He hummed and lead you back to the castle, but not before throwing another glance over his shoulder to the almost-full-moon.

Faint, footsteps trailed down an empty corridor, and a billowing black cape followed with it. As Severus marched, his chest felt horribly heavy, almost like there was a boulder chained to it, weighing him down. He couldn't figure out why he felt like this, and it was starting to make him a little irate. He knew it was something to do with you since it had started after you'd stormed out of his office.

As Severus was about to round a corner, the sound of familiar, sweet laughter rattled through his bones, and immediately he froze. Without a doubt, he knew it was you. Only you could have laughter that sounded like the sweet songs that birds chirped in the summer mornings. The breath in his lungs suddenly vanished and he quickly swooped himself behind a bookcase, poking his head out from the side of it to see who you were with.

The moment you appeared, that boulder chained to his chest became heavier, and he felt himself lean against the bookcase he hid behind. Severus's eyes widened as they glued themselves to the man beside you - Remus Lupin. His blood boiled at the sight.

What could have Lupin have said to make you laugh like that? He'd only heard you laugh like that when you were with him, not Lupin.

From a distance, he couldn't make out what the two of you were talking about, but it was obviously hilarious. Severus's jaw clenched as he watched Lupin place a hand upon the small of your back, guiding you.

Guiding you... inside your quarters?

Snape hissed silently to himself as he stared, his sharp and hardened eyes welded to the back of Lupin's head like molten metal. As your door shut, Snape could only huff in disgust with bared teeth. What were the two of you doing in there? It was past midnight and you and Lupin seemed happy as Larry to go into your quarters. Snape couldn't bear the idea of you and Lupin alone together - let alone the fact that Lupin had had his damned, grubby paws on you. Severus clenched his jaw in a violent fashion, very clearly upset at how you'd moved on so quickly, especially with another professor at Hogwarts. Was this your thing? Bewitch every lonely professor that you laid your wretched eyes upon and then move onto the next? Did it make you feel better about yourself in some fucked up way?

An uneasy, bitter feeling twisted inside of his chest as he pictured the two of you alone and he whipped around out of spite; the swoosh of his long, black cloak filling the silent hallway. How could you move on so quickly, so... easily?

"Never did I think I'd see the day that someone told me they fell in love with a man like Severus Snape." Remus laughed softly as he waddled to your sofa, glancing at you as if to ask if it was alright to sit. You nodded at him.

"And yet here we are." You hummed with a flat mouth, clearly not as amused as your friend was. "Sometimes I wish I was as emotionally guarded as he was, but then I remember how bloody miserable that would be." You mumbled, earning an abrupt laugh from Lupin who'd settled on the couch with a soft sigh.

Ben was nowhere to be seen, so you assumed he was asleep in the bedroom.

"Severus is an interesting character, most definitely," Lupin nodded and you turned around, walking towards him to join him on the sofa. "And I applaud you for being able to tame him. If it's any consolation, only one other woman had been able to, though I think it was... unintentional, if you will."

"Unintentional?" You questioned, your tone curious. Though almost instantly, that curiosity was killed as the thought of Severus with another woman stabbed at your fragile heart. "Actually, I'm not sure if I want to hear this right now." A dry laugh slipped from your lips and you exhaled sharply as another wave of tears prickled at your waterline.

"Alright." Lupin said softly, taking notice of your quivering voice. He stood up with a breathy groan and shuffled towards you, slinking an arm around your shoulders to pull you into his chest. It was calming, and the way he hugged you reminded you of all the times your parents would comfort you as a child. As Lupin gave you a supportive squeeze, it was as if he'd accidently pushed the button for the waterworks - hot tears began to stream down your cheeks once again, and you sobbed quietly into his wrinkled shirt.

"Hey," Lupin sighed as he watched your shoulders shake with sorrow. His hand sat on the top of your arm, squeezing it gently: a dire attempt at consoling you. "Don't cry, Y/N, it'll pass."

"Idon'twantitto-" You mumbled into his shirt, sniffling loudly. Lupin's brows furrowed together in confusion as he paused for a brief moment, silently trying to decipher what you'd just said.

"What?" He asked gently, leaning his head down so he could hear you a little better. You lifted your head from him, sighing, another heartbreaking sniffle sneaking out of your reddened nose.

"I don't want it to." You repeated yourself, lifting a hand up to wipe your wet eyes lazily.

"I know. But it will." Lupin sighed too. "Severus is... a very... damaged man," He cringed slightly at his choice of words, but he continued, "I'm not even sure that you could help him- or fix him."

At this point, you were staring soullessly at the floor, and the only thing you could feel was Lupin's chest against your shoulders. Were you and Severus really a lost case? You felt like you'd made so much progress, he'd opened up to you, he'd... he also ran away again. Perhaps your friend Remus is right.

"I think I want to be alone." You suddenly blurted out, slowly glancing up at the professor with glossy, red eyes. Lupin blinked at you, confused for a moment, though he quickly came to. He didn't blame you for saying such a thing - you'd just had your heart ripped out, to put it simply.

Remus didn't say anything, he only nodded, offering you a kind, yet pitiful smile - and that hurt you slightly. You didn't want his pity, in fact, you didn't want anyone's pity. "If you need anything, you know where to find me." He muttered, brushing a hand through your hair softly. You shut your eyes for a moment and sighed, a small gush of guilt filling your body. Here Lupin was, trying to console you, and you're kicking him out. You hoped he didn't take it personally.

"I'm sorry, I... I just need to be alone." You quickly offered. Remus shook his head and frowned at you.

"No, I understand. See you in the morning, Y/N. Feel better soon." The professor smiled at you and this time it wasn't rich with pity, but kindness. He tipped his head at you and began to shuffle his way towards the door, opening it with a quiet creak from the oak. Before he disappeared out of your chambers, Remus turned around and smiled at you once more, slipping away.

Seconds after the door shut, a drowsy-looking Ben opened your bedroom door, popping his head out. He squinted at the bright light, clearly having just woken up. That settled your nerves slightly, since you'd just spoken about Severus with Remus, only a few metres away from Ben.

"Are you crying?" Ben yawned, his bushy brows furrowed in either confusion or annoyance - at this point you couldn't tell.

"No," You coughed and turned around to pretend to do something else as you wiped at your eyes. "I'm fine, go back to bed, Ben." A curt sigh fell from your lips, and almost immediately you heard footsteps padding closer to you. "I'm fine." You repeated, listening as his feet stopped behind you.

"What happened?" Ben asked, the tiniest hint of sympathy in his voice made you shiver slightly.

"Nothing, it was just a rough day at work, honestly. I'd rather not talk about it." Your brows shot together as you tried to keep the tears at bay, but you couldn't help but think about Severus as Ben placed a hand on your waist in an attempt to pry you away from the countertop and towards him. You didn't want anyone else's hands on you but his.

"Hey," Ben said softly, though it felt heavy in your chest. "It's work. It won't matter in a day or two." You were silent. "Y/N?"

"I need a drink." You muttered and forced yourself to look at Ben, cringing slightly as you walked past him and towards a glossy wooden cabinet in the corner of your chambers. You rarely drank, and if you did, it was to either celebrate something, or forget something.

Another uncomfortable silence fell on top of the pair of you.

"Want one?" You asked with no emotion in your voice.

Ben hesitated for a moment, his groggy eyes staring at the back of your figure, silently trying to deduce you. "...Sure."

You were going to regret this.

You'd changed into comfier clothes, more specifically a pair of forest green silk shorts and a matching camisole top. Sitting on the edge of your bed, you faced Ben as he was sat on the windowsill opposite you, nursing his glass of wine. After a few strong sips, the pair of you were chatting and reminiscing like old pals. "Remember that time when I turned Peter Kipling into a weasel in McGonagall's class?" Ben giggled drunkenly, elbowing you gently as you nodded with tears in your eyes, an amused grin spread across your face.

"Oh my- I forgot about that!" You wheezed, smacking your lips together. "Didn't you get... like... at least- like a month's detention for that?" You laughed, slurring, taking another sip of your glass of Elven wine. You winced slightly at the strong aftertaste as it burned your throat. That was to be your last drink, you couldn't take much more.

"Ohh, yeah, I d-id," Ben hiccuped, his laughter dying out as he sighed; his tired eyes falling onto you. Shuffling under his gaze, you felt slightly uncomfortable. A brief yet thick silence suddenly engulfed the two of you like a slow-burning fire. Ben stood from where he'd been sat, stumbling over to where you were, stopping just in front of your knees.

"I miss talkin' to you, Y/N." He sighed, taking his hand and placing it upon your cheek; carressing the apple of it with his rough thumb. The strong scent of alcohol on his breath made you gag a tad - you were drunk as well, but the smell of it wasn't pleasant, especially from his mouth.

Your breath hitched slightly at the sudden contact.

"..Yeah." You answered quietly albeit awkwardly as you stared up at Ben. Though, all the wine you'd consumed was making him look like someone... else - the darkness wasn't helping either, in fact it was fueling your hallucinations. The dark cast of a shadow from the lit candles behind him made his nose appear larger, and his cheekbones a little more pronounced.

Slowly, he crouched down until you two were eye-level, his hands slipping to your ankles. Your body stiffened slightly at the feeling. "Ben.." You warned, sighing as the drunk buzz and pleasurable tingle from the pads of his fingers was starting to cloud your mind.

"Whaat?" He whispered, heavy-lidded eyes still glued to yours as his fingers began to trail up your calves. Ben began to stand up slightly, pushing his face dangerously close to yours, and so you leant backwards to avoid him, your back gradually making contact with the bed. He shuffled forwards slightly, pressing a knee against the edge of the bed to balance himself.

You shouldn't be doing this, you knew that, but Gods, the alcohol was truly fucking with your morals and mind.

Would it hurt?

Just a little... taste...?

You shut your eyes as you became lost in the feeling; his fingers reaching the backs of your soft thighs, a breathy sigh falling from your lips. Slowly, you opened your eyes again as Ben's smalelr nose pressed into your neck, followed by his wet lips. You gasped as his hands found your torso, his fingers pressing a little too harshly into your flesh.

Severus.

Memories of him suddenly flooded your mind like a reservoir breaking a dam, flushing out anything that didn't embody him. All the times Severus had attacked your supple flesh beautifully; pulling gorgeous moans from those pink lips of yours. Your brows furrowed together as your body silently yearned for his touch. It hurt.

You were stuck between stopping this and just shamelessly indulging in the dark, twisted fantasy of pretending that Ben was Severus. You were being so selfish. And yet, you didn't care, all of the emotional turmoil that you'd been through tonight was pushing you to the edge - all you wanted was the man who didn't love you, who only saw you as a quick fuck, maybe some midnight company.

You shut your eyes again and tried your best to imagine him. With a sigh, you ran your hand up Ben's neck and into his hair, though it wasn't the same. You missed the way you'd tangle your fingers in his raven-black locks, gripping on it as he'd ravish your neck and breasts like some mad professional. Sighing frustratedly, you moved your hands down to his shoulders, expecting the rough, black fabric of Severus's robes, and yet you were met with the flimsy, thin fabric of Ben's white cotton t-shirt.

You felt so fucking pathetic.

Knock, knock.

You froze, eyes snapping open as quick as lightning. Was there someone at the door?

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Ben groaned drunkenly as he continued to kiss your neck. Unfortunately for him, the feeling had worn off the second you heard those knocks.

"The knocks at the door."

"You're.. imag-ining things, baby." Ben sighed and hiccuped once more, his uncomfortably hot breath on your neck made you shiver. At this point, Ben was much more drunk than you, and so with your remaining energy, you rolled him off of you. "Whoa- heey-!" He groaned as you slipped from underneath him, padding to the door. You didn't bother to check if he was alright, the only thing on your mind was who was at your door at this time of night.

Was it him? Did you want it to be him?

Reluctantly, you reached out your hand to open the door.

Nobody was there.

You frowned and leaned forwards, poking your head out to glance around. The corridor was empty, completely empty. That was incredibly weird, did you imagine those knocks? You sighed softly - perhaps you were a little disapppointed. Turning around, you shut the door, only to be faced with Ben sat sloppily in a chair with a face like thunder.

"Waitin' for someone?" He asked with a flat tone, his head lazily cocked to one side, still clearly drunk.

"What?"

"You know what I'm talkin' abou', Y/N." Ben said with the same tone, standing up, albeit unsteadily. You swallowed as he inched closer towards you, dragging his feet, your toes burying themselves against the hard wooden floor beneath your feet. "I know about the notes you kept. From him." He spat, pointing his finger at your face. Your heart instantly began to gallop; the pounding of its beats echoed in your ears like a harrowing scream in the night.

The notes...

"Excuse me?" You choked out, brows furrowing together in complete shock.

This was not how you wanted this to go down.

"I went through yer little drawers. In yer greenhouse," Ben scowled, his nose turning upwards in what you could only describe as disgust. "All of his little notes were perfectly preserved, and mine? Well-" Your mind was running so quickly that you could barely even listen to what he was saying - the fact that he went behind your back and invaded your privacy was the only thing sticking out to you as of right now. Your skin felt like it was on fire as the anger began to flood your veins.

"You went through my drawers, Ben?!" You yelled, shoving a finger in his face.

"That's the only thing you care abou'?! Not the fact that you secretly- obviously, have some sort of fucked up... thing for a man who treats people like they're the tiniest bit of shit on 'is shoe?!" Ben screamed back drunkenly as he bared his teeth, stomping towards you and smacking your finger away. "The fuck is wrong withya?"

You knew this could get ugly quite quickly, especially as Ben was drunk - a lot drunker than you. But at this moment, your anger was far too hot to even think about cooling things down.

You scoffed at him, your lips twitching upwards into a disgusted sneer. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! Going through my stuff?!" You shouted at him, taking a step backwards as he began to get a little too close for comfort. "That's not okay, Ben!"

"How long has it been going on?" Ben asked, his tone suddenly calm. That put you on edge.

You paused for a moment, pondering on his question. It was probably best that you didn't answer that. "We're done here, Ben." You clenched your jaw, silently readying yourself for some sort of explosion.

"How long, Y/N?!" Ben yelled. The way the whites of his eyes were basically screaming at you made you feel terrified. In this current moment, there was only one pair of arms that you wish you were being held in. The man in front of you backed you up to the door, and you could only stare at him, for your wand was foolishly placed inside the pockets of your robes hung in your bedroom. Tears burned in your eyes as the guilt you'd tucked away was finally waking up and holding your body hostage with it's incredibly heavy weight. "Did you fuck 'im? Is that why ya never slept wit'me for months? Because you were too ...busy being his fucktoy?" Ben slurred, his face red and lips wet with saliva from how he'd been shouting.

"Shut up!" You cried at Ben as the tears began to break free from you and run down your cheeks like melting diamonds. This was so not the way you wanted this to go. "Please, just stop!" You were sobbing at this point as his words pierced your heart, quickly reminding you of what Severus truly thought of you.

"Oh, fuck sake, stop with the cryin'," Ben growled, drunkenly shoving a hand into your shoulder, sending you barreling backwards and into the door. You winced slightly as the bone of your shoulder blade made contact with the metal bar on your door. "Whiny bitch, yer the one in the wrong, not me!" He grumbled with a heavy sigh, turning away from you.

"Shit, Ben-" You gasped as you leaned forwards and pushed yourself off of the door, however, a sharp and excruciating pain shot across your shoulder as you tried to move it. "What the hell were you thinking?!" You whined, stumbling to the countertops of your kitchenette to lean on it. Your shoulder was fucking killing you.

"Me? What was I fuckin' thinkin'?!" A sarcastic, manic laugh fell from his lips and immediately you regretted your choice of words. The man spun on his heel, and suddenly he donned a wand in his hand. Now, you were scared for your life. "You're one to talk... you know what... I'm going to have you fired... yeah... blacklisted. From every job in this fuckin' area! That'll teach you to be a whore!" Ben screamed the last word so loudly that you were sure every sleeping student and teacher heard it. Your jaw ticked, and you had to look away, your face painted an embarrassed shade of scarlet.

Your heart dropped at his words. No way was this happening.

"You can't do that." You whispered, tears still streaming from your eyes as you stared at the ground.

"I work at the Ministry, darlin', anything is possible."

"Fuck you."

"What did you just say t'me?"

"Fuck you!" You cried out hoarsely with one hand on your shoulder and the other gripping the countertop. An animalistic like growl fell from your ex-boyfriend as he stormed towards you, fury burning bright in his eyes. He raised his wand, and you squeezed your eyes shut, bracing yourself for some sort of spell to hit you.

"Stupefy!" A familiar voice commanded, the swish of a spell following it suit. Then, a loud thud.

Reluctantly, you opened your eyes to see Ben laying on the floor, unconscious in a pool of his own saliva. Your chest heaved with fear, and you were incredibly scared to look up to see who had come to your rescue. Frozen, you stood still in your place, though you could feel your knees beginning to buckle. Within seconds you were on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, your lungs on fire from how harshly you were breathing. Merlin, you could've just died.

uh oh.. who saved her?

i'm sorry if you weren't tagged, i went through the majority of my notes and tried to find you all!! pls forgive me :( there was a lot due to my absence <3

taglist:

@a-laufeyson

@emilynissangtr

@livillain00

@meowskii

@nooneeveryonenoone

@vesperbatty

@biggest-simp-eversposts

@881127fara

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@dystopiaincognito

@rye-flower

231 notes · View notes

natsmagi · 13 days ago

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Is it me or has the writing quality gone down in enstars? the reason I say this is because although I don't keep up with the game (I am still heavily into enstars I just went on a game hiatus bc im salty for losing my account) I keep on hearing about the writers just absolutely butchering the character's development and mischaracterizing them. It's like the fans know the characters better than the writers themselves. Plus I haven't recovered from my anger from them adding Ibuki to Akatsuki (as well as blatantly ignoring and erasing his Ryukyuan/Okinawan heritage). This really frustrates me

oh for SURE. granted, ive pretty much exclusively been reading switch stories these past few years, so my perspective is limited and theres always a chance im missing something. So do take my word with a grain of salt

but yea no, compared to !-era the quality just. isnt really there. enstars was never perfect, but the stories felt consistent. each story felt like it meant something, even if its something small and slice-of-life-y. one thing ive always adored about the earlier stories is how interconnected everything felt. ive mentioned this before im sure, but i loved how certain stories would take place at the exact same time and if you read both stories you could see the overlap and how their paths cross. it was always so fun to read a story taking place at the same time as one centering your oshis, and then see them have a little cameo in this other one! like you uncovered a little easter egg of extra context!!! and this is a thing ive noticed lacking in !!-era

the big stories in !-era also felt like they actually carried weight. some stories would be over 40 chapters long just because akira had a story he wanted to tell. And this was greatly beneficial for the stories! because it meant the story could be written at a more logical pace. he didnt just rush through bullet points, he weaved a genuinely convincing story. and i feel like this is another factor the quality feels like its gone down so much. everything feels rushed now. a story will introduce a new conflict and resolve it within 15 chapters. it carries no weight but it tries to be groundbreaking and shocking. and nowadays they arent even conflicts that had been foreshadowed or anything. Honestly i think theyve forgotten about how powerful foreshadow can be altogether because they just Dont implement it anymore. at least when it comes to switch

i think the reason for this might have to do with there being so many different writers now. During !-era it was just akira writing the big hitters, and you'd have other writers do smaller, less consequential stories. but now i feel akira is running dry with things he can write, and it does feel like he wants to start distancing himself from the project. And this has resulted in other writers getting to take the spotlight. Which would be totally fine btw! but it feels like none of the writers really know what the others are writing???? and thats why you can feel like a story has a decent set-up only for literally nothing to come from it. thats why conflicts start and end within the same story. It completely breaks the illusion that these are complex characters with complex stories, because they just flatout dont give us convincing complexities anymore. Even if a character has healed from a large character arc, theyll now reintroduce that old drama because. Well it sold back then, so why not??

its so frustrating because i feel like even if enstars WAS to give me a decent story today, itd fall short on the basis that i Know this isnt going to matter like. at All. theyre gonna forget this ever even happened.

u should all know my opinion on Wish by now, but lets pretend for a second that its a good story and was greatly beneficial for the development of switchs relationship together. For the sake of argument. Since the release of this story their dynamic has not been changed WHATSOEVER. with natsume, theyve been DOUBLING DOWN on his insults towards tsumugi. he still mocks his hair and since he cant call him "fuzzy glasses" anymore, hes resorted to calling him "neat glasses"?????? and natsume seems to have gone back to being so fucking Rude, when at the beginning of the new era he had grown so sweet because he now genuinely trusts tsumugi. you give us this huge page turner only to undo literally all growth??? though frankly, it makes sense for the growth to be undone after a horrible decision like that

but you also have tsumugi who is the EXACT SAME AS HE WAS PRIOR. do note ive been distancing myself from the game for a little while now, and esp since after the release of wish, but i saw people on my TL post screenshots from stories with neo tsumugi in them where hes still as clumsy as he was, still neglecting to take care of himself, still overworking himself, and still leading this borderline self-destructive routine. theres been NO CHANGE. WISH CHANGED NOTHING BUT TSUMUGIS HAIR. these stories are only excuses to make grand changes. they dont even care about making it convincing or not anymore. they dont care about what comes after. They didnt think any of this through. i still cant get over them adding ibuki to aktk on a whim and now theres 2 aktk songs that are just never getting ingame MVs because they DIDNT THINK THIS DECISION THROUGH AT ALL.

and again. WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF TAKING SORAS SYNESTHESIA AWAY??????????????? i constantly see people trying to defend the tsumugi hair thing, but genuinely HOW can you think it was done with switchs best interest at heart when they TOOK SORAS NEUROLOGICAL CONDITION AWAY?????????????? how do you not see the absolute gutting of switch happening before your eyes???????? and dont even get me started on natsume. hes not safe from this either. But his deterioration is seen through his characterization rather than having literal features taken from him. hes being reduced to some pretty "femboy" and it pisses me off. he has so many complexities and is such a compelling character and hes WEIRD hes supposed to be WEIRD but theyre just. Hes being reduced to pretty guy. and it pisses me off because thats not what made me love him so much.

remember in thieves when switch were given a new secret room they could hang out in like in yumenosaki, where natsume could do his little experiments? remember how NOTHING CAME OF THIS AND NATSUME HASNT DONE A SINGLE EXPERIMENT AT ALL IN LITERAL YEARS???????? the prsk collab was unironically one of the sweetest things they couldve given us because it had the natsume i had grown to love, and it featured his newfound maturity since wonder game. It made me so incredibly happy to see and made me hopeful that maybe........ Maybe things will get back on track.

and then fucking wish dropped LMAO

#SORRY FOR THE ESSAY I FEEL LIKE ITS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO NOT WRITE ONE WHEN ASKED ABT THE STATE OF THE GAME #guy who has Soooo much to say #ask

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kaitlyn-imagines · 26 days ago

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Guess who’s back?

Kaitlyn posting in 2025? What? Oh my god?

Hello everyone. It’s been a while!

Firstly I wanted to thank each and every one of you who read, liked, shared, followed, and requested on this blog. This space was honestly super special and it was 100% because of all of you. I genuinely dont think I could have had a better, more wholesome and kind following.

I’m not sure how many of you are still there, but thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I just went through my blog, and reread a ton of my previous works and I feel so much love and nostalgia for how fun it was to write for you, and love you all.

I started this blog when I was 18, my senior year of high school. I’m now 24, and have graduated college two years ago! And… a lot had changed during the past 5 years.

I stopped being as active when covid hit, and I went through a really hard time in my life because I finally had to sit at home and address the mental health problems I’d been ignoring and distracting myself from for years. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and really lost myself and my drive for a while. I’ve been on medication for a few years now, and feel so much more like myself than I ever have.

I’m happy, and love my job, and love my partner, and love my family, reading outside, drinking coffee and being okay. I now feel comfortable to come back here to address why I went away for a time.

I still have the occasional rough day, but during my hiatus, I grew into myself. I’m more confident, more sure of myself and who I am. I fell in love with life and myself again. In many ways, I grew up :) And I still have a lot of growth and learning and living ahead of me.

But, that is to say, I felt it was time to post here again. In short, I kind of fell out of the MHA fandom during the hiatus. I’m many seasons behind (I stopped at 3 I think?) and honestly it looks like so much has happened since then!

I’m not sure yet if I will write for MHA again soon, but… I think I AM ready to start writing SOMETHING again. I’m not going to force myself, but will take it one step at a time. Who knows! Maybe we’ll branch out a little into other fandoms?

Ive been missing it alot. Writing. The community. The joy of it all. And I’ve been missing you all a lot too.

So, to finish up. Hello again! Good to see you. Do we have new faces around here? Are there old friends still hanging around? Let me know in the askbox :)

As always,

Kaitlyn loves you ❤️

#kaitlyn loves you

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connorsblog · 1 year ago

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EYES ON ME ☆

rick grimes x amab reader

— 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂!! no smut, super short because im supposed to be on hiatus but i felt like a 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴

loosely inspired by the lyrics “ is it wrong? is it wrong? makin' out with you while you're singing your song. playin' your guitar and it's turnin' me on. ”

rick had always had the most soothing singing voice — at least to me. the way his accent had billowed to my ears like smoke, it always sounded similar to a lullaby.

when he sang to judith on the rare occasion, it was like a dream. the dream you get everything you've ever desired — and after it you see everything through rose colored glasses. everything seems lighter. it reminds me of that because, even if just for a moment, i felt safe. even in this post apocalyptic world that can remind me of a hellhole sometimes.

even when he talked, his voice felt like bathing in the brightest, calmest sunlight. even before we had gotten together — he talked. so softly. i wanted to get on my knees then, just watch him look down at me whilst talking at me as if i was a dog.

and i don't mean that in a suggestive manner. i want him to act like he owns me, because i would let him own me if it was my choice. i want him to make the world just ours, act like we're the only two left on it.

sometimes it can be suggestive, though. sometimes i want to lay down and take him as he talks to me until i can't anymore and —

the loud clanging of the front door interrupted my pleasing thoughts. at least i dont have to imagine rick here now, i thought to myself.

"hey, baby," rick's voice echoed from the hallway as he walked towards me. i subconsciously focused on his hips — god how they moved just made me want to tell him to do whatever he wanted to me.

"hey," our lips touched soon after, the warmth spreading down and well, elsewhere. it was embarrassing to admit how much strength he held over me.

"eyes on me, hm? what's wrong with you today? you look.. outta it," he murmured, his nose buried into my hair.

"nothin', just a bit distracted is all," i lied straight through my teeth, i wanted him to take me right here and talk me through it — i just wanted him.

"i know just how to make you feel better, baby," he whispered, the shiver tickling down my spine sharply.

he unbuckled my belt, the clatter against the floor making me realize just what was happening. "are you sure?" i whined as he continued to strip me.

"mm-hmm, you're all pent up," he grinned against my skin as he heard me already so desperate for hands all over me.

— i felt freaky... IM STILL ON HIATUS but i got inspired 🤫

#connorsblog #the walking dead #twd #rick grimes x male reader #rick grimes #rick grimes smut #rick grimes angst #rick grimes fluff #rick grimes x reader #twd rick grimes

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taldigi · 3 months ago

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Hi, I love all your P4 AUs (And your Metaphor commentary as someone who's finished the game), wanted to ask if you have a tag list of them all of something. I only found out about your meatlocker chie one today and feel like I've been missing out. The angst and symbolism of the shadows and how it effects the team. Ough. The actual dungeon being a meat locker... :0 Horrible to look at and.... cold. Guess it's better then a slaughter house I guess. Your art and 3d renders are so great. Thanks for sharing.

I'll throw together a proper tag list and AU description post and pin it soon. in the meantime:

#back 2 inaba (B2I): Ren returns to Inaba and discovers the Midnight Trains. Other stuff happens too. #p4: retransmission (P4:RT): Arcana Swap AU where Chie is the Wildcard. #NG+: But a Girl this Time (NG+: Girl Edition): NG+ Au where Yu reawakens as a girl named Yui and must deal with the consequences therein. #Traumatized by the Meat Locker: A modular AU that gives Chie a dungeon and traumatizes Yosuke into vegetarianism (real).

Other "aus" (or, well, more like reoccurring concepts) that I dont have tags for are himbo yu and dogboy yosuke. There's also Plan B (isn't working) but that's on indefinite hiatus until I get a little more jazzed about p5- so I don't really put it forward much.

Thank you very much!! I'm super happy to share, especially if others like it too LOL!

#Anonymous

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daily-vitamin-ena · 10 months ago

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ok guys…. i can no longer access tumblr through my devices 😨

i am current posting this through my mom’s ipad :3 i will try to log on frequently because the internet is very neat for me & helps me feel much better seeing my followers and mutuals, but i dont know if i’ll be able to be as active as before on both accounts. i’ll be reblogging this to my main, so below the cut are things regarding my pharmacy blog.

one of my worries is that i wont be able to keep up with the pharmacy map or update my pinned post often. if anybody wants to or feels bothered by how its not updated they are free to find pharmacies that arent added yet and adjust the city by themselves. if this happens, i would like the updated map to be submitted in the inbox so i can update the pinned post >_<

for vitamins, i will try to queue as many posts as possible. i might miss a few days though which i was hoping wouldnt happen 😡 but it probably will, so i apologize for that 😞

thank you guys for always being so supportive of me :3 when i first started this blog it was just for silly ena pictures. i wasnt expecting to start a whole city for prsk vitamins. im very proud of how far this blog has gotten !!

and i keep mentioning this but i really love it here. its always great to get notes of course but mannn its just so nice.

i lowkey need to take a hiatus from real life to focus on tumblr… that would fix me…

THANKS GUYS!!!! :3 i think that’s it?? i will update all the time. let’s just see how things go.

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fictionfixations · 2 months ago

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black butler emerald witch arc ep 3 thoughts

warning for manga spoilers for the entirety of this arc and hints to future arcs. i try to keep it a bit more vague but be warned like SERIOUSLY im gonna point out specific scenes, maybe not necessarily say what they mean but you'll prob end up spoiled 😭

i wasnt gonna make a post originally but ahuigfahduias i forgor this was happening this episode

last time was contemplating whether or not to just not watch the screen because the image of them cursed is just something very gross im not a fan of but i bit the bullet

feeling vaguely ill, saw sebastian putting like the funnel into ciels mouth and had a moment of wait a second isnt that like how those dudes fed him when he was like kidnapped and low and behold yep 😭

realized the moment we started getting the flashback that ITS THAT PART

'oh thats right, i have you' hHHHH

to say as much as little as possible without actually saying nothing, this and onwards is gonna plant a lot of '?? whats going on?' towards ciel from anime watchers

latches onto the only one who isnt an adult

now, i read through emerald witch arc when i already knew like the big like twist or spoiler of like a few arcs from now (i knew it before i even got into black butler at all tbh) and it really helps me catch all like the stuff that relates to it because otherwise itd just fly past my head

i know its all serious rn but sebastian with feathers on him is funny. hes usually so like composed and put together and stuff that seeing him like this is just 👌

im imagining like an arrow piercing through the heart like ack... 💀

hold on a second could sebastian just like immediately stop it from affecting him if he wanted to and he just didnt at the time because he was too focused on ciel and getting him better

or is it more like he can change his appearance but if hes affected by something he cant really change that unless its dealt with first 💀?

oh hes small again. i didnt even realize earlier but back when ciel first woke up he was normal sized (both forms just look natural to me i dont notice 😭)

aAAAaa actually hold on i need like a no trauma au of black butler rn 💀

actually did you know mangas back from hiatus? a few days ago (..im bad at keeping track of time so take 'a few days ago' with a grain of salt it could be hella long ago and i just forgor) i havent seen the newest chapter yet but ye

lmao

oh its over

this is a p shorter post i just didnt have much to say 😭

#black butler #thoughts #kuroshitsuji #kuroshitsuji anime #emerald witch arc #black butler anime #ciel phantomhive

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pjisskullourful · 3 months ago

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𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓭 𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓽𝓼

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

🌼 Damiano × reader

part 34 [series masterpost]

18+ readers only!!!🚨 explicit language only

° Damiano David/female reader insert

° after 3 months living in america, your homesickness gets the better of you

wordcount:: 2,720

° THIS SERIES IS GOING ON HIATUS!!! i dont know how long for& i dont know whats gonna happen next in the 'plot'. as such, requests for this series are currently closed! but would love to hear ideas of what you think should happen next 😘

Without noticing, you had totally zoned out and stopped listening to your boyfriend. This wasn’t the first interview you had attended with Damiano today and it felt like nothing new was being said.

It was another day of promo. Even though there wasn’t much for you to do once Damiao was in front of the camera, you had accepted his invitation to come along because you wanted to support him. Also because you had been feeling like you needed to get out of the house.

When you had been actively listening to his interview, he had given an answer that struck you as strange. You had gotten into a repetitive swirl of thoughts as you followed your compulsion to analyse the statement.

The notification on your phone had served as a welcome break from this pattern - it was a Snapchat that bore Ethan’s name. It was with instant curiosity that you opened it, wanting to find out what he was doing back in Italy. You didn’t acknowledge the pangs of homesickness at first.

The drummer was showing you three Polaroid photos, which you could remember taking. It had been during a long flight and you captured Ethan covering Thomas’ face with little star stickers, after he had fallen asleep with his head in Ethan’s lap. You could remember how much you had laughed, with the need to keep quiet only adding to how funny it all was.

I don’t get why he was so upset over this. This makeover looks great, Ethan’s caption read. You had smiled at your phone as you quickly responded: And that revenge he promised just never came.

Yet. Revenge is a dish best served cold and it’s gonna get frozen solid because Thomas doesn’t remember that he started cooking it. Ethan replied.

Then he asked you how things were in America. And you had endeavoured to only tell him the positive things. You told him that you missed him and he returned the sentiment straight away. The conversation went on from there, the two of you sending messages back-and-forth, with your eyes hardly lifting from your phone’s screen.

You gotta teach your boyfriend how to use his phone, Ethan said. I didn’t know memory loss could start so young, but he’s forgotten how to reply to messages.

For the first time you hesitated, feeling unsure of what to say back.

Before you could start typing, you were distracted by the movement of Damiano coming into this little alcove you had been waiting in. He told you that he was all done and you made sure you showed him a smile as you replied. He was already pulling a cigarette from the pack as you gathered your things together and stood up.

The two of you walked with the handlers to the exit. There was some sort of event to attend tonight, so you would be returning to the house to get ready. Damiano walked with his hand in yours, but you weren’t part of the conversation he was currently having in English.

You rushed to type a response to Ethan. I’ll have to try that tomorrow. We’ve gotta start getting ready for a party tonight so I’ll talk to you later. I’ll make sure he calls you. You added a heart emoji hoping that would make it sound less like a cold cut-off. Then you hit send and deposited the phone into your bag.

It was just you and Damiano in the car with the driver. He switched back to Italian to talk to you.

“Have you decided?” He asked, following a train of thought you were oblivious to.

“Huh?”

“Dinner.” He said, jogging your memory. “Do you wanna eat before we go to the party? I won’t be able to make anything for you, but I’m sure we could order something good.”

You nodded, feeling stiff. There was a seat between the two of you, with your backpack resting here. He was too far for you to feel his body heat, but you could have reached out and touched him if you wanted to.

“I don’t mind. We can just see what food they’ve got at the event.” You said.

“You seem like you’re taking this decision very seriously, you look all frowny.” He said, his head tilted as he observed you.

“No, I’ve just got some stuff on my mind, not food-related.” You said.

“Do you wanna tell me about it?” He asked.

“It was something you said in that interview…”

“I didn’t realise you had been listening.” He said.

You readjusted in your seat, turning more towards him. “I can’t remember the exact words, I wasn’t paying that much attention…”

“That's totally fine, babygirl.” He said, smiling as he brushed this off at once.

“It was when they were asking you about the genre change…” You said and the smile lines smoothed around his eyes. “Something about the way that you said it, you made it sound like rock had just been a phase.”

The smile had gradually disappeared from his face as you spoke, now his lips were in a thin line from how he clenched his jaw. “Fucking Hell. I don’t need you to analyse every word I say like the whole internet is.”

You dropped your eyes down to where your hands were clasped together in your lap as your cheeks filled with embarrassed heat. “You asked what I was thinking about.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I did.”

“Am I supposed to not have an opinion?” You asked, a new energy urging you on. “When you talk, I have reactions, emotional responses, are you gonna get cranky with me because of how I feel?”

“I'm not cranky with you.” He said.

“Well, you sure aren't happy with me.”

“Your choice of words really fucking sucks and I think you knew it would piss me off.” He said.

You followed your instincts, it felt like a dam waiting to burst and you needed to let it release. “So you're saying I pissed you off on purpose? No, this would be pissing you off on purpose…” You watched him as you spoke, wanting his reaction rather than fearing it. “If rock and roll was just a phase to you, how do you know I'm not part of some phase for you?”

It was as satisfying as it was horrible. You had presented your fears to him so plainly and now there was nowhere to hide. He stared at you, frowning less now. He had his lips parted but he didn't seem to have anything to say.

The revelation hung in the air. It was the truth, all of the ugly feelings you had been trying to push back and deny for the past three months of life in America. You could no longer ignore its existence.

His wide eyes appeared to flash with so many emotions, then he finally spoke. “I really hope you don't mean that.”

You settled your back to the seat, facing the front of the car, rather than him. “Me too.”

“I love you.” He said.

“I love you too.” You said, speaking more softly now. “That's why what you say has an effect on me, it makes me feel all kinds of emotions.”

“So maybe you don't tag along for any more interviews.”

“Alright, I won't.”

His feelings were hurt, you were relieved that he had fully listened to you. But you didn’t feel victorious as you might when finishing a disagreement with anyone else. You wished you hadn’t said it, the bitterness hanging in the air that separated you from him.

But even more you wished that you didn’t feel it.

You directed your gaze to the window without acknowledging any of the things that went by. You could have apologised for saying something that hurt him, but you didn’t. Just as he didn’t apologise for making you feel this way, nor did he ask what he could do to fix the situation.

Instead the next time he spoke was to ask the driver if he could roll down the window to have a cigarette. The driver gave his unenthusiastic approval, then the rest of the ride passed in silence.

Now you noticed the homesickness that had come from talking to Ethan.

*** *** ***

Despite the frostiness between the two of you now, you followed through with your earlier commitment to attend the Hollywood event with him. Once he was talking to you again, he requested you come because he really wanted to have you there. Any doubts that you had about attending had left your mind at once and you thought about how good it felt to be wanted.

But this didn’t translate to you having a good time at the exclusive party. It was the second Hollywood party you had attended this week, and the fifth of the month.

They were complex but boring. They were glamorous but hollow. They were filled with people but so lonely. They were excessive but always left you feeling empty.

You had been drinking alcohol on an empty stomach. You were too intimidated to approach the catering table on your own. You hated the idea of these gorgeous model-types seeing you eat while they avoided the served food altogether. It made your chest feel tighter. Then there was the genuine worry of how much you could embarrass him and yourself by spilling sauce on your rented dress.

You had finished your glass of champagne as you listened to Damiano networking with someone new. At the end of it, this stranger looked at you and you could tell they had forgotten your name. Their smile was strained and it was very awkward as they said a goodbye to you. But you showed a smile as well, maintaining the act that everything was fine.

Damiano had to check with the handler before he could step outside to have a cigarette. Once they confirmed that he didn’t have anyone waiting to speak with him, he left the main room of the event. You went with him, your fingers loosely linked as he led the way.

The area you walked out to was perfectly ordinary with grass that had big gaps in it. You were beside the parking lot, standing in inconsistent lighting. None of the glamorous party-goers would want to be seen out here, beyond where the illusion could reach. It suited you just fine, you unclenched your jaw and savoured the feeling of having no one judging you.

“Are you having a good time?” He asked after lighting the end of his cigarette.

You made an indecisive noise as you looked up from the screen of your phone (you had been catching up on your friends' Instagram stories). “Are you?”

You weren’t standing close enough to hear his sigh, but you could see it in how he exhaled the cigarette smoke. “Come on, I asked you first.”

“I know. But we’re not really here for the purpose of me having a good time. It’s for you, so I’d prefer to talk about if you think it’s going well.” You said, watching how he continued to look unimpressed as he listened.

He sharply flicked the ashes off the end of his cigarette before folding his arms over his chest. “Yeah, I do. I think it is going well, I mean I haven’t done anything to embarrass myself too terribly.”

“No, you haven’t at all.” You said. “And that’s great, baby.”

“So why aren’t you having a good time?” He asked, his tone making it feel like you were being accused of something.

You shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just too used to house parties where it feels like there’s actually something to celebrate. And nobody thinks you’re being rude when you yell. And people are dancing like crazy because they just wanna have fun and enjoy the music. I miss that messiness and catching up about dumb stuff like video games and pets.”

“You’re still not used to these parties yet?” He asked.

“Doesn’t feel like it.” You said.

He nodded thoughtfully and sucked on the end of his cigarette. Even after he had exhaled he remained silent, prompting powerful annoyance to swell up in you. Why wasn’t he asking you how he could help fix this? Why wasn't he sharing advice on how he adjusted to being in such an important crowd?

You couldn’t help feeling like this was just your problem to fix, which only added to your sense of alienation.

“You’ve mentioned the Met Gala a few times tonight…” You started.

“Yeah?”

“Do you actually want to go? I thought that had just been a flimsy possibility.” You said. At the first mention of it tonight, you had remembered back to the conversation he and his team had had regarding the gala, discussing it in your house. You considered that he might not even remember you being present at that moment. Where did you sit in his memories?

“If I’m wanted there, why wouldn’t I go?” He replied as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

And maybe to him it was so obvious that it was simple. But it was almost distressingly complicated to you. More than once falling asleep had been delayed by you attempting to organise your emotions and thoughts on this topic. You hadn’t brought any of your concerns to him, not even considering it.

Until tonight, when you were at the threshold of how much you could hold yourself back. Now you were inspired to be bold.

“You want to go to the Met Gala? The fuckin’ rich stupidity parade of the elites.” You said, uncaring about keeping your voice down when no one else was in sight. “Do you realise how many of the celebrities that signed those bullshit Israel support letters were at the gala this year and will probably be at the next one?”

“No, ‘cause I’m not out here obsessing over a guest list that has nothing to do with me.” He said. “It’s not like I can just say I wanna go and that makes it happen. They have to find a designer who wants me to attend for them.”

“Right and it would be hard to find a brand that wants to dress both of us because I’m just a nobody.” You said, paraphrasing what you had heard during that discussion. “It would probably be easier if I were an influencer, and they could make me one.” He rolled his eyes. “They know how to get me on the path to an Instagram blue tick.”

“No one is saying you have to be an influencer.” He said.

“They’ve offered it to me so many times but it’s not me. When have I ever expressed wanting to be an influencer? Do you want me to be one?” You asked.

He gestured with both hands as he replied. “I just want you to be happy, but that doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen.”

You just stared at him, feeling clueless of what to say now. The fire that he was returning to you felt like too much to stand in front of. The intimidation made you shrink slightly as your throat clenched.

He got his mobile phone out of his pocket, frowning as his finger tapped on the screen. “Look, you’re clearly not having a good time at all so let’s just get out of here. This night needs to end now.”

Your relief was minimal. He got in touch with his team, coordinating your exit from this event. He worked silently, his cigarette forgotten as it burned down closer to the end.

He sighed and looked back up at you. “There. Give them a few minutes and they’ll come get us when the car is ready.”

Your heart was thundering as you stared at him, not close enough to touch. “We have to go home.”

“Yeah, I just said we’re leaving the party. Of course I’m gonna take you home.” He said.

“I mean, Italy.”

*** *** ***

You:

My beloved. Are you busy tomorrow night?

Max:

I can be available. You wanna video?

You:

Actually. Is it too much to ask for you to pick me up from the airport?

Max:

Of course babe! What time do you + Damiano get in?

You:

Just me. [insert time here]

»»————-　♡　————-««

🍑 taglist: @floral-recs - @gr8rainbowpunk - @idyllicbutterfly - @maneskindiva - @maneslut - @saschenkaaa - @slavicgoddess13 - @elvirabelle - @maneskintifoso - @thegeminisgirl - @ha-la-ansia - @butkutee - @ursulalurks - @itsmaneskinbitch - @icarodamiano - @crwnnjules - @paralianeyes - @fand0mskullfa1ry - @lizzylynch1 - @kammerstx - @myleftsock - @tellmesomething01 - @adoredamianos - @vittoriaisfuckingpathetic - @gay-for-victoria-de-angelis - @shinshans - @lonnybunnys - @lyricalliz - @lifeofa-fangirl - @chemical-killjoy [join here!]

IM NOT SAYING THIS IS THE END OF THIS SERIES! I JUST NEED A BREAK FROM SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR 3 YEARS. stay tuned for other fics 😘

#maneskin x reader #maneskin fanfiction #maneskin fic #damiano david fic #damiano x reader #fuck the met gala for real

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leesolbeesol · 7 months ago

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Hiii its me again

I heard ur going on hiatus due to health issues

I hope you recover from whatever you are going through soon (and i DONT mean it cuz I want u to end ur hiatus too quickly i genuinely want you to feel better)

I see alot of writers who fall out of love with writing because people have stopped giving a few kind words to their fics and i don't want that to happen to u since you have a writing talent which is why i am writing this now. I will be ur NO.1 supporter even though ur a stranger online.

Dont worry I will be waiting here when you return from hiatus<3 take as long time as u need

(Ive been loving the soobin series so far btw just to let yk ur writing is always amazing<3)

HI NO.1 SUPPORTER!! I'm back and up in the writing game <3333

im working on...... a mark fic thats veryyy fall themed so hopefully its done before then but it seems pretty long tbh im already thinking abt sequels oops......

ill check on soobin series when i can <3

#literally my motivation #ramblee

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escortingsecrets · 3 months ago

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In my sick in and out hazy mind I have come to realize something- the reason I dont write with @shinrascomputer as much as I do here. I'll put it below the cut, it is drama but not from Tumblr at all. So people dont have to look at the whole thing I have a TLDR too below. Just. It explains a lot and he'll be on a hiatus until I can figure out my own mind and what to do here.

TLDR; I had a toxic and abusive roommate years ago, and thats why my joy for Lucas' muse isnt there

To explain it better: I moved out of my parents house to go to college. I moved in with a friend from way back in high school grade 9- at that time I had known them for about ten years, give or a take a break of a few years in the middle there as we both graduated from different high schools when they moved.

The problem didn't star right away- now, as I've joked, Lucas is one of my oldest OCs. I was 13, in a French Class, and doodling dumb characters while waiting for the teacher with friends. Then, I made Lucas. He just,,, Never went away I suppose. Doodled him more and more, he became a full character and not just a doodle.

When I went to college at 23, Lucas was one of my favourite characters, an intro in OCs and the amount of creation they can have. Then, the roommate made a second Hojo experiment, combining different DNA into a child, and... Named him Luke. I assumed it just a coincidence, shrugged it off. Heard more and more about them, how the mom was horrible, how Hojo raised them, and, I started to have the nagging feeling it wasn't just a coincidence. They claimed they made Luke years ago, but we'd been writing for ages, they'd written with Lucas and other OCs, shared their own. But never mentioned this sudden favourite character they wanted to include in everything.

Fast forward a few years in the pandemic, and we were on the Twitter RPC. Things started to happen, drama was flying all over the place. I left the rpc quietly, too tired and exhausted, keeping in touch with people through other socials. They kept writing, kept mentioning all these things about stuff I told them not to do. Their treatment of myself and my (now ex) partner got terrible. We moved in with my parents, and they shot every bad mouth thing they could at us both, screamed at us to gtfo. We left when they were at work, defeated and tired, and blocked them on everything. I later learned the dramas were, mostly, by their hand, their toxic and manipulative behaviour ruined quite a few characters for me that I still dont write as I used to (Tseng, and Rufus, are also on that list).

But I've never let go that they had a character named Luke, that they made after countless rps with Lucas, tried to claim they were years old and such a special muse for them. I can't write Lucas without thinking of that, I can't enjoy my little gremlin like I used to anymore, because now, his character is tainted with a past I don't know how to wipe away to find the joy I used to.

That's also why I'm so cautious about writing characters and sharing my ideas, why I don't like discussing them or feel like I need to be vague. I know people won't steal him, everyone here is so lovely and has been a very welcoming community, I see so many others that have faced the same problems of ideas being taken and it pains me to know that someone I thought a close friend was actually just a thief, and a manipulator like that.

#on the grapveine [ooc]#tw; vent #tw; toxic behaviour #I wish I could write my gremlin boy again #But my sick brain just kinda #clicked

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larrythefloridaman · 1 year ago

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Mayhaps some thoughts on Valentine?

Oh, dear valentine... so mysterious... and the weight of being the perfect, gentle showman is such a heavy burden to bear...

Val is fascinating to me, because even though theres so much we don't know about what he really wants, really feels, really thinks, because most of his screentime is on the sidelines in an obviously staged persona, theres a lot of interesting inferences we can make from what he says when he breaks character, doesnt break character, or expresses his (oft-ignored) agency, but, with so many details missing, I am forced to turn to thematic analysis and context clues to fill in the blanks. I say forced as though I dont love doing this shit lmao

Val's occasional awkward fumbling breaks with his presenter persona lead me to assume hes that flavor of theater kid thats sort of... reserved, passive, awkward, almost shy in their personal life until they're onstage, where they Come Alive before the crowd, but also, hes presented in his introductory episode as a man who 'walks directly into explosions just to see if he can survive them.' contradiction between the private and public self, risk and spectacle and, of course, performance are important things to consider when evaluating Val. He wants to put on a good show for the people, after all! Talented and radiant and powerful and good, Val is an instant hit with the audience- and Val puts his body on the line trying to 'save the day' in a very risky move, a shady deal with a shady being with shady terms. Keep in mind Crimson really hadnt done anything REAL bad at this point- a little theft, a little homewrecking, his greatest crime we saw was being kinda spooky, really.

We don't hear the terms of Val and Crimson's bet, their discussion of the terms entirely held through crimson's ability for psychic communication, but we do see the result. Valentine looked at the quiet, eldritch thing Crimson began as, and wagered his body as Crimson's prize. Crimson wins, a gentleman keeps his word, and the Captain Crimson era begins. It isn't long before theres reason to regret his choice, although the Grunk's death wasn't something Crimson exactly wanted to happen either. Captain Crimson, given the privilege of choosing who in the tie at the bottom of top 8 gets to move on to the next part of what was supposed to be a two part tournament, the Grunk is shortly after found dead. Val remains in Crimson's thrall for another several months, Team Crimson formed amid the hiatus's offscreen chaos.

I think a feeling of guilt in the situation hes avoiding does haunt him. He claims little memory of his time as Captain Crimson, but the Grunk certainly seems to blame him some, even saying that 'at least hes not dead this time,' when Val successfully defends his championship from the Grunk. And hes in good company! Culpable in the Grunk's Death Club: Crimson (oops!) Hamhel (catalyst for both his and his killer's presence at the tournament,) Val (unintentional accomplice to manslaughter) Larry, Iggy and Chartreuse (knowingly complicit for timeloop reasons!)

Which adds some layers to Val breaking from his professionalism and stage persona a bit in 23's intros to express Intense Concern with J0hn's puppeteering of a murderer and VERY POINTEDLY bringing up the Grunk's own murder charges, audibly upset by the Grunk explicitly taking pride in them, he's clearly pretty disturbed by it- although he never pushes too hard against the tournament's regular function, even when it would be pretty fair to. One must remember the P. Rool Arc- the tournament is not an unquestionable arbiter of good or fairness, the tournament's rules are not unbreakable impartial tenets of the universe but the personal, often petty, choices of a jesterly godking, a TURTLE in a CLOWNCAR, and so going along with them is, within their world, a choice that all the characters are making! Everyone in the cast is, for better or worse, somewhat complicit in the tournament's failings, at least as much as any one actor who willingly works under a questionable director or in a questionable industry, if that makes sense. Technically, Valentine's championship was won at Plum's expense. Valentine participated- alongside an assortment of other fighters, including Rights Sentience, a so-called sentinel of that which is good and right- in the group free-for-all to take P. Rool's win away from him, and happened to come out on top. Relevant information to recall on P. Rool Day.

And, also relevantly to 23, he's pretty disturbed by Quad too, as we see in his introduction in 17. I think Quad is critical to understanding what Val's got going on under the surface- of the clones, theyre pretty explicitly the most directly similar from base to clone, and ive said it before and ill say it again, the thing Ryan's said about Quad and Val thats stuck with me characterization-wise is that 'Val is like a rollercoaster, Quad is like skydiving.' Rollercoasters are a thrill, with ups and downs and twists and turns but a careful calculation for safe results along a planned path, placing an implicit trust in the engineers who designed it for you to enjoy, although the controls are left out of your hands, and so when something goes wrong all you can do is wait for it to be over and hope noone gets hurt. Skydiving is throwing yourself directly to the whims of the world and letting go for a very INTENSE and STRAIGHTFORWARD thrill, running on the often CAREFULLY CONFIRMED trust that your parachute will work and with direct, conscious, personal control over when it deploys. I think of how Val often rolls with the tournaments decisions despite his misgivings, often seemingly not even informed until DAY OF what he'll be dealing with, and I think of how Quad was part of the first forfeit in tournament history and on another occasion caught just a whiff of horseshit and marched right up to god and beat her ass. Quad is like Val without the tact, the nuance, the subterfuge, like Val if you intentionally distilled and intensified him to the point of parody, and in the process, boiled out all the subtleties and passivity.

The natural instinct to compare Crimson and Val's relationship during Val's possession and Quad and Order's is... I think not EXACTLY wrong, but I don't think it's one-to-one at all. If Quad is, thematically, like Val with all the subtleties and nuance (not to say quad is UNnuanced because of course he is, but like. yknow what i mean in this context) wrung out, then maybe the intensity and circumstances of the awfulness of Quad and Order's relationship is a much more black-and-white case, but the baseline dynamic was similar? Just. Greyer. More complicated. Less extreme. Another all-take and little-to-no-give relationship between a controlling person and someone only wanted and valued by them in the first place as a useful, disposable tool in the pursuit of their own desires, who was never really all that interested in them personally as anything more than that, because at the end of the day they always wanted something or someone else, until someone else gets rid of the taker, and the giver is left alone to reevaluate things in their absence. But i suppose we already knew that. Another difference of course being they were two people who happened to collide for a while by chance and made regrettable choices, while Quad was born and designed with the purpose of being used. (And, of course, got to overcome that.)

Considering other Crimson'd folks were very much able to dispel Crimson from their bodies when they didnt want him there anymore, Hamhel 'defecting' offscreen, Chessmaster casting it off with all the casualness of flexing muscle, when they had come to some kind of epiphany and wanted to better themselves, while Val needed to have it dragged out of him by force, and even, in a moment of weakness and spite in response to the humiliation of Dani's Rat Stunt may have even considered taking crimson BACK if jay's speculation about val's feelings after the exorcism in 11 holds weight... its... interesting. And while they're plenty professionally friendly, I do think theres potentially some... lasting resentment, between him and Dantoinette in the mix, too. She did not need to rub his face in losing to the rat, and that could just be a dani-typical weak-filter shit-talk moment. But he did not need to bring up the bear. and Val's usually more careful than that.

Val lost a bet. They were together for months. They had to have developed some kind of dynamic and rapport in that time. While he absolutely was a controlling asshole, even just by nature of How Possession Literally Works, there isnt much reason to assume crimson was uniquely cruel to Val in their relationship compared to his other partnerships, and most folks who were possessed for more than a day came out of that relationship rightfully hating his ass and not wanting to be around him but not like. Life-Wreckingly Transformed by Him or anything. He's not an abuser, hes not that kind of evil. hes your dickhead ex that brought out the worst in you, he's the sketchy mp3 downloader thats BEGGING for you to let him install viruses, he's the best employee at a scam company. Crimson is just as disgusted by people like Prism or the Doc as anybody else reasonable. He's just a selfish, negative, dirtbag asshole thats rebellious for the sake of it and pressures you into and gives you excuses to pursue bad ideas- both his and your own, and living vicariously through those he controls to escape his circumstances and get to be anybody but who and what he actually is for a while, and Val was perfect for that. He 'got what he needed' by 'being' him. Vibrant, beloved by the crowd and community, comfortable in front of the camera, seemingly so confident warm and happy despite everything, so in control of his own destiny, at least in theory. The heartless coveting that which he cannot have. Val reduced more than once to an idealized object on a pedestal. The perfect man, and a being that from certain perspectives might barely qualify as a person at all- he certainly didnt present himself as one to start with. Hell, hes still imitating Val just a bit trying to play presenter in his stead in Orange.

BUT. All that being said. Order isn't what Val chooses to compare his time with Crimson to, in a rare instance we see of him actually trying to talk about it. No. His choice of comparison is a different object of Val's disdain- Cupid. Heartbreak and Cupid.

Heartbreak and Cupid are friends. and Heartbreak does say he WANTS to find someone that meets his romantic standards- but Cupid begins to push through his boundaries, FORCING it, making this OVERWHELMING UNASKED FOR SPECTACLE out of his issues on live broadcast, and when he decides he DOESNT want to pursue it actively anymore, Cupid refuses to back down from trying, because he DID want it and Cupid doesnt want him to Give Up on what he wants, but the reality is Heartbreak just found some peace with being by himself and doesn't want it so bad anymore, but Cupid seemingly wont take him at his word that he's genuinely just changed his mind. Tempered expectations, mistaken for lost hope. And it pisses heartbreak off so much that at least when the wound's fresh he doesn't even want to look at the color pink.

Val made a bet. We didnt see the terms. Val, in contrast with his perfect gentlemanly persona, flirts with villainy from time to time- quite literally in the case of his exchange with Dr. Order at the start of 16 before Quad was made, sometimes less literally and more subtly complicit with the tournament's less than perfect ethics record, nobody's perfect, no exceptions, not even the perfect man is unflawed- but never truly falls from grace again after his time with Crimson, while using the same cunning and subterfuge the god of treachery employs in facing challenges and claiming advantages all the same. Tempered subversion, mistaken for submission to conformity. And Crimson's presence is enough to make Val just want to stay home.

Am i cooking or is this nothing? YOU decide!

#im sure as soon as i post this #ill see a billion problems with my wording or remember something im missing but ive spent too long on this hsjfsjgdjgdjdg #cpu kerfuffle #its Interesting. its Interesting and theres A Lot Going On There and All Of Its So Vague.

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