#i dont wanna but have to why do i have to work.....
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LET HIM REST
pairing; s4 jj maybank x cupcake reader
summary; it's safe to say jj may have crashed out tonight, and you are the only person he can turn to. so you make it your goal to get him taken care of, and at least a little content after the turmoil of tonight
content; hand job, mommy kink, titty sucking, adjacent to s4 plot
authors note; re upload!
jj is pacing around your room, hands on the back of his head, breathing erratically. you’re sitting on your bed. his boots are loud against the wood floor which is the exact opposite of what he’s supposed to be being right now. he’s supposed to be laying low and that involves staying quiet so that anyone going past or around the house wouldn’t hear him.
“jay.. just.. just sit down.” you sigh, trying to get him to be calm, but he doesn’t listen. he’s limping a little, only because he’d jumped off a roof after starting a whole fucking riot, not a big deal at all.
god, if you weren’t being the responsible one here you’d burst out crying. he’s being so frustrating, you need him to be calm so you can be calm.
“can’t— I can’t fuckin’ do this anymore!” he yells and kicks the wall, making you flinch. you need him to calm down.
“jj.. jj please. please sit down.” you stand now, placing a hand on his arm only to be pushed away. you sigh, “jj.” the agitation in your voice is made obvious by the weary sigh you let out.
“shit.” he kicks the wall again, it cracks a little. you’re not sure if it’s sweat or tears coating his cheeks, maybe both.
“come here jj,” you pull him back, speaking with only a little forcefulness in your voice. “please sit down… please.. let me help you.”
he complies, though he’s still agitated and probably still ready to break something. you guide him to sit down on the bed where you were before and then you take a place next to him. you put an arm around him and rest your head on his shoulder in an act of attempted comfort for both him and you.
jj reaches a breaking point right about now, you think. now it is tears. you're certain of it as his breath becomes ragged and his body begins to shake with small sobs that he's trying ever so hard to hold back.
“jj… oh jj dont cry.” you rub his side. you feel so much sympathy for him in this moment, his whole world has fallen apart in the last few days. there's no legitimate solution that you can offer him. the least you can do at this point is try to help him get his mind off of it. “what do you need? tell me what you need, jj.”
he sniffles, “just.. just don’t wanna think about it okay. don’t wanna talk.” okay, you can do that, you can not talk. you press your lips into the side of his arm. he needs a distraction, you can do distraction.
“hey… why don't i look after you for a bit… take your mind off it.” your hand goes to rest on his leg as you look up at him from where you are. his eyes are red and sore, filled with excess tears.
he sniffles almost pitifully but he nods, realising now just how much he needs a distraction. “yeah,” his voice is breathless, from the tears and the yelling. “please.”
your hand begins to run up his leg, stopping when it reaches the top of the zipper on his jeans. “just concentrate on me, okay. i'm gonna take real good care of you baby.” you pull it down, revealing his boxers which you also pull down by the waistband.
he exhales shakily, leaning back on his arms. you pull him out of his pants and slowly begin to work him with your hands. it doesn't take much to arouse him, despite all the turmoil, it's still jj.
you start to jerk him off, slowly at first, you don’t want it to be over too quickly. when you’re sure he’s ready you begin to move.
you guide him and reposition gently to have him laying down on his back, you get onto your side next to him. your hand keeps working on his dick with a practised skill.
you don’t quite notice when his hand comes up to tug on the neck of your shirt. it takes you a moment to realise what he wants, but when you do you’re happy to comply. you pull the clothing off, revealing your tits to him. his lips part and he moved himself over to easily attach his lips to your nipple.
“mmh.. m— ma-” he’s babbling incoherently, but it’s okay, you know what he wants to say. you’ll let him say it.
“it’s okay baby… mama’s gonna take care of you. s’all gonna be okay.” you murmur, free hand tangling in his hair whilst you keep jerking him off.
his whole body is reacting. his hips buck and jerk and his stomach ripples though you don’t see it through his clothes. he keeps letting out noises too, whimpers and whines, ones you know that he only lets out when he really needs to.
you don’t care that your nipple will be sore after this, you don't care that your arm will ache from moving it like this, you don’t care that you’re not receiving an ounce of pleasure. you love this boy, you need to take care of him otherwise you’ll be good for nothing.
jj’s hips move more, you can tell he’s approaching a much needed climax. you keep going until he cums, making a mess on the sheets and both of your clothes but you don’t care.
“oh.. there you go.” you make sure he rides it out, and when he does you let go and bring your hand up to rub his side.
“felt good.” he breathes out, his mouth is still not fully detached from your boob but you pay no mind, he has needs.
“yeah.. I’m glad.. you just relax now okay.. just relax.” you stroke his head as he settles down to shut his eyes. he’s still messy but it’s okay, you’ll clean him up when he’s asleep. get him changed too, his clothes are mucked up and ripped.
but for now, just for now, you’re going to let him rest.
#lily writes 𝜗𝜚#jj maybank prompt#cupcake!reader#jj maybank#jj maybank x reader#jj maybank imagine#jj maybank blurb#jj maybank concept#jj maybank drabble#jj maybank fic#jj maybank smut#jj maybank outer banks
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tell me about your headcanons about the cultural differences between layers plss
- your favourite sister ever
takes a deep deep deep breath. hello niki. my beloved sister. my favoritest sister ever.
the noob layer (before the evil champion)
very very community oriented
block parties (get it) are really popular!!
a lot of sharing and stuff going on
music!! music is a really big thing!!
accent sounds a bit like theyre singing, almost like theyre dancing with words!! they dont pronounce their vowels fully!!
the noob layer (after the evil champion)
community??? no chance, everyone dies before you get to even know their name (which is why evbo never bothers asking anyone)
really the only sharing they do is when someone is sick or theres a child and occasionally family units share food
cannibalism. yeah. its normal for people to go insane, the noobs probably refer to it as some kind of curse or something bc thats fun
the pro layer (before the evil champion)
everyones neighbors!! less community oriented than the noob layer
more focused on helping each other get better!! regularly helping each other learn fun new parkour things
their accent is kinda like. how do i explain this. their voices tend to be softer and tbh i wanna say they sound like a weird mix of southern and british. dont ask questions.
i dont have much for the pro layer if yall have fun things hand 'em over
the pro layer (after the evil champion)
music is HUGE here between moral boosting events and also playing songs for parkour !!
community oriented but more in the way where family units stick together and everyone else is like. a coworker. like you might be friends and occasionally you might get close with someone but like. ehhhhh
mostly just like. yeah i work in the same general area as this guy
the fighter later (before they were banished)
this layer has the most people because its so hard to rank up so its the one with the most stuff going on!!
libraries!! this is the layer of scholars and shit!!
theres so many people here that the masters come down and hang out here a lot too!!
this is where everyone learns things, theres no schools on the other layers because everyone has the chance to rank up !!
this ones just fun, its got a mix of everything because its the most populated \o/
they have a fun accent i think, tbh i wanna say its similar to new york? idk
the fighter layer (after the banishment)
devoid of basically everything that made it what it was
the most sparsely populated now
everyone is hostile as fuck, by the point we see it in canon everything's been combed over tens of hundreds of times so if someone sees someone else its safe to assume one of them is getting mugged
unless its a seawatt situation but whatever
some bonds still remain and theyre as strong as ever now
everyone either has fashioned masks out of their clothes or just has the most fucked up throat from the frequent sandstorms.
the master layer (before the evil champion)
not much going on up here!! they normally hang out on the fighter layer
huuuuuge showoffs but like in a fun way!! performances!!! wow!!!
theyve got a bit of twang in their voice i think bc yes.
the master layer (after the evil champion)
showoffs but in a bad way
big on spreading rumors
really reclusive, never visit lower levels or each other
battling is common for any reason, the more people youve defeated in a battle the higher up you are on the social ladder
ok heres some!! i hope u like it it took me like 45 minutes to write all this bc i kept getting distracted
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gonna have to tell my team lead i am only reachable via rotator phones now to hopefully get a laugh out of the fact my phone seems to hate my job more then me and bricked its self for no reason im aware of a hour before i got off work
the feeling of being unreachable cause of this is both amazing but also scary cause i get off at night and walk home with no phone just in case is terrifying
#tarudce talks#im so mad its dead i mean i have been wanting to replace it but also i wanted to keep it a while longer#fuuuuuuuuck MY KHUX DATE NOOOOO i hope i can get that back....... fuck#i left it on my phone cause bluestacks kept fucking up on me and now that has come to bite me...... damn it#got wake up early tomorrow some how buy a new phone a case and screen protector and have that ready before going into work......#i dont wanna but have to why do i have to work.....#why couldnt it die monday when i dont have to work the next day#tarudce rants
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act 4 :(
@chipper-smol and i came to a realization
#THID FUCKING GAAAAAAAMMMMEEEEE#i have more i wanna draw but my hands not working orz.. maybe ill get around to it later idk#i finally FINALLY managed to get inside that star room.. my own clone!! now neither of us will be virgins!!!!#i dont have anything to go off of but when the journal mentions making another 'me' it reminds me of loop saying theyre like a mirror#theyre always able to read siffrins mind without actually reading their mind (or so they say) but maybe it could just be tone matching???#or smth like that.. idk if these two things are connected though so maybe its more like subtext#i hope im not the only one who made the childrens hospital joke when it came around to color lore part 2#im also getting the sinking feeling of watching siffrin toe his way near the deep end like bro is so so close to losing it#i feel like if i knew nothing abt the game beforehand and why siffrin is looping in the first place my feelings abt this would be different#cuz id be pretty angry too if ive been stuck in a loop long enough to feel like everyone around me is pretending nothings wrong#than the fact that i have decided not to disclose im in a time loop and that everyone is living this day for the first time#although i also get hes doing this for a reason and when u believe in the universe i guess it also comes with sunk cost fallacy#'this is the path the universe led me down before i even knew what i wanted so all i can do is double down' THATS THE FATALISM TALKING#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#isat act 4 spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#sona#puppysona#friends#chipper#doodles
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There are more things in the Parable than Stanley knows about. [Blank Scripts AU]
#hoh boy i was going to make a comic to introduce these monsters but#i couldnt help myself and made an animation instead#because i just think they're so neat and cool okay#listen i cant for the life of me just infofump about my AU and OCs#because i just think that making actual content about my lore and stuff will not only raise the chances of people being interested#but also it will also raise my motivation to actually produce more content other than the same old recycled front-facing-profile drawings#i need to get creative with my stuff or I'll also loose interest and I DONT want that#in order to be happy with what i have i cant just think about it and expect to be given something new NOOOO i need to MAKE it ughh#i cant believe in order to get more content out of my own au i would need to draw it and feed myself ugh ugh ugh unbelievable (kidding)#but also#i wanna make a little music video or animation again for youtube#its been a hot while since ive uploaded anything in there at all#maybe an animation reel will do for now?#i hope so :(#because ive been working on expanding the Black Scripts AU#and honestly i dont regret it#i had a lot of fun making up scenarios and comics for Stanley and the Narrator (Black)#but yeah!#apart from this little video#you wont be getting an explanation on what these things are supposed to be#and why theyre there#actually i was originally gonna make this into a full fledge animation with sound effect/music/frame-by-frame movement/etc.#but i got lazy HAHA#tsp blank scripts au#tsp au#the stanley parable#the stanley parable ultra deluxe#tsp
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normal rulers that can be trusted with physical and political power
day 5: royal (magolor and sectonia team-up would be fire. also they are bffs. to me)
They definitely give each other relationship advice too, because their love lives are the worst best in Dream Land
(rest of the comic under the cut)
master crown KNOWS this bastard isn't pulling
#kirby#kirbtober#kirbtober 2024#lrblev art#sketch#comic#magolor#master crown#susie haltmann#taranza#sectonia#queen sectonia#king dedede#sectaranza#magosusie#why tf is this a magolor and susie account now... my bad guys...#just been doing a lot of character work with them recently ig#worth mentioning that i have always interpreted wave 3 + sectonia to be the same/very similar age bc i know not everyone does#magolor the kind of guy to be like “yo dude i totally wanna spend the rest of my radical life with you. no foolin!!”#anyway i WILL create the silly sectonia content i wish to see in the world#however i CANNOT explain why sectonia gives me demi vibes. i dont know. but she always has
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okay unironically I love so much that porter is like this world SUCKS its BAD here and it HURTS you why do you care abt it!!! and literally every single bad kid is like ngl we just hate ur ass it does not matter what ur philosophy is
#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#not art#fhjy spoilers#its!!! gods I will Be My Ass in the tags rn. but thats so like. deliciously setting typical#like porter's desire is to transcend and his contempt for the world he's in feels. idk Real#like he plays the game bc he wants to win and be done with it. how do I word this#yknow. being a god would like. be his win state. when he gets that happening thats it his story is done he checks out#meanwhile the bad kids do actually just like playing the game lmao. like they love adventuring!#theyre so solidly Of This World. they carry the values that can only be born of it and they like having mastery over it#its a meta angle that I think is very fun specifically for d20 being in such a unique position in the zeitgeist when it first started#the rat grinders are from DnD Writ Large. porter wants to escape. but this is the bad kids' home its Their Actual Play Show#which makes it so fucking excellent to me that porter's question is somewhat of merit! its their show and it tries very hard to punish them#and they just straight up dont listen to him here lmao bc they hate him but! since the moment the academic track ended its been clear#that they save the world bc they Like Playing. With Each Others#thats what riz thinks the core of adventuring is! thats why fig stayed! and I also think thats why this hovers over elmville now and#a dead god is coming back in the school gym. porter is a shit evangelist but even if hes a good one I dont think it wouldve worked like he#wants it to. the only way he couldve escaped is if he'd not involved elmville at all. thats where the bad kids met dude#its a shitty place that fucks with them but they all come back here bc they wanna play with each others#and in that regard I think thats what the stress tokens ultimately means. Is This Game Still Fun To Play. ITS A RAGEQUIT LIMIT#Im literally running from one end to another of this conspiracy board Ive pulled out of nowhere#Ill draw after this I just wanna get this out. gods this episode has done nothing but furthering my delusion of grandeur actually#Im the hottest smartest manthing on earth Im king fucking midas over here. anyways uh! great ep!
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"shipping saiki is aphobic because he's aroace!"
stares at you with my demiromantic asexual in a committed relationship eyes then looks at the camera like im in the office
#good thing those folks have yet to find their way into my inbox or id be at risk of embarrassing myself lol#if you wanna see more of the content you prefer...make it yourself :3 MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING SELF lol#youre so attached to the idea youll complain about it but you refuse to do anything about it even create works that you and others will sur#ly enjoy how does this even make sense#sorry for reviving this from the dead when it blessfully hasnt been a thing in the tag for a hot moment but im still irritated hahahah#seriously you know what that screams to me? virtue signalling. you wont do anything except say a few words every now and again like#the motivation starts and ends at appealing to the popular opinion. earn your brownie points. and do nothing.#what is your care made of? thoughts and prayers?#every time ive asked one of these people why they dont make the content themselves the response has been 'i shouldnt have to lol'#you shouldnt have to bully people either with your aphobic BS but look at you! aw~#yall dont wanna commit to shit you just want to tell other people how they should exist.#if you cant create for whatever reason you better be ready and willing to drop your rec list and fave artists. and i sure as shit hope your#complimenting them thoroughly.
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can the mtt commit more crimes that just murder please i know theyre the MURDER time trio but ppppleasse,,,, please,,,,,,
they'd be terrible to be next to on the highway. horror's going 160 mph amd has long past gone over the speed limit. dust's out for BLOOD and by blood i mean your tires. he's somehow sniping those round rubber wheels from the high moving vehicle with the precision of a master fruit ninja player. if your car explodes or flips over in the process that's not his fault. and then to make matters worse for everyone on the highway killer's in the backseat scratching up the doors and windows of your car with a knife everytime horror gets close to another car and oops he accidentally just disfigured your face also did i mention theyre all drunk during this
ok so theyve all got the classic face WHY DONT THEY ABUSE IT!!!! horror gets to do a little paper mache to cover up his head hole and then wearing glasses. killer i dont know what the FUCK he can do to get rid of his perpetual tears but let's just pretend that theyre conveniently gone for now. and then all dust has to do is put down his hood! anyways identity theft is cool. imagine how much they could totally fuck up classic's reputation with this. set up fake tinder profiles and then scam people for their credit card info/free dates (while ordering every expensive thing) and stealing wallets. walking into various grillby's's around the multiverse and telling terrible jokes. like ACTUALLY bad jokes. and then of course just being a huge piece of shit at the bar. god theres so many things they could do pretending to be classic. which one of us is hikaru looking ahh except the only difference between the three is the color of the stains on their clothes (either gray (dust) black (killer) or red. well faded red (horror))
ROBBERY!!!! ROBBERIES PLURAL!!!??? train robbery gas station robbery bank robbery GOVERNMENT robbery (what would you rob the government for?? documents??? idk) anyways. mtt robbing a train except its just a really shitty plan and they dont know jackshit about what theyre doing. killer's taken over the conductor's cabin and now he is booking it. how fast are trains allowed to go idk but the maximum. anyways meanwhile horror's on the tracks fucking up the rails with his strength or whatever (listen i know he's weak but picking and choosing what hcs i believe in is my art) and dust is there to teleport him away before the train crashes into him and turns him into a trolley problem victim. and then of course that shit doesnt fucking work and the train just ends up flipping over and catching on fire or something (killer survives because of course he does he's killer). and then in the end dust just has to flip the entire train over and they just stroll into the part that actually HAS the money
and then they go out and get ice cream. sometimes the murderers need to take a break from murdering and just do NORMAL crime yk???
#dragging this absolutely ancient draft out of the trenches because i've been having a scene in my head that fits this#i mean not REALLY related to this since its not a crime. more like him reckless abandon of life! their own lives! yeah they die#imagining.... trio driving around in the mountains. dust's driving ans horror's in the passenger and killer's in the back seat because he i#and dust just starts speeding up like...... much more than he really should be in the fucking mountains#and killer points it out and now all of a sudden horror is absolutely terrified LMAOOOO trying to get dust to slow down#and then they crash. but if there's no one more determined in the world killer can always load a save and theyre alive again#and dust is STILL speeding when they come back even with the knowledge that they die and horror's still terrified#but dust just tells him to calm down and loosen up a little bit!!! theyll come back afterwards anyways and they dont even die in pain#and after a few more deaths horrors just like. ugh. fine. you know what FINE ILL GO ALONG WITH IT#he says as he starts laughing along with dust because man!! the feeling of looking out at nature right before they die in a blaze of glory#is GREAT!!!! and then you know something something horrordust have trust in killer to bring them back after they all die#something something horror is willing to give up his usual reservations to have fun with the other two#and its so fun afterwards.... because nobody but them gets hurt!!! dust and horror wouldnt wanna hurt anyone after their au lore#and killer has no reason to in this scenario. so it all works out for them!! the only people getting hurt are them and lowkey they deservei#the sans in the au is probably sooo confused as to why the world is reloading even though theres no human doing so 💀 killer you GOOF#theyve probably all died so many times but only they remember it. soooo cute.... only they get to see each other at their weakest 💔💔💔#killer absolutely abuses the save point when theyre all together i just knowww ittttt sooooo well#he wants everything to continue not restart or go back??? ok but everything IS continuous with these two#not like they stay doing one thing over and over anyways so its not really perpetual. anyways dust and horror would get bored along with hi#if they just kept doing the exact same thing over and over trying to find every possible ending. nahhhh#triglycercule this is sooo unhealthy none of them would do this!! ok well they make each other worse who said it was ever gonna be healthy#screw EVERYONE in the violet banquet discord server who indulged me in my trio waltz dancing in a field of flowers at 3 am. brainrot now...#this scene i described in tags totally happened in my trio meet each other fic btw. just that it hasn't gotten to this point at ALL yet 💀💀#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv
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#ryu ga gotoku#rgg#yakuza series#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#daigo dojima#ryo aoki#masato arakawa#snap sketches#im annoyed looking at this jaGELARKGJ#I LIKE MY LNIE ART BUT .... just nthing was clicking with me rtying to shade this#i only meant for this to be a quick thing today but i ended up mulling over it for longer than i wanted so im just throwing it out there#every time i make a rendered drawing of aokis office it always dark as hell like bro PLEASE you have a lamp#theres like ONE instance where i dont make it dark and it was in that goofy Rumor Mill comic#LIKE EVEN THAT COMIC ABOUT ARAKAWA BEING DEAD IT'S DAYTIME YET I STILL MADE IT DARK VJLAKJVAE#ridiculosu.#moving on ive wanted to draw them playing chess for months i just kept. Not Knowing How To Do It#whats funny is that i initially was planning an entirely different thing but i was thinking about that too much i got stressed#so . thats why i worked on this. and then i got stressed over this 💀💀💀#speaking of chess ive always wanted a chessboard birthday cake with edible pieces .. that a lotta work tho ...#i love chess ... am i good at it probably not but i still lke to play it on my phone sometimes ..#guess ill work on that other thing now that im free and i know what i wanna do now that ive slept on it ... lol ...#mk bye i dont like rendering
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now im also still thinking about tma dnd au.... mostly i agree with jonny&alex' assignments. Signing a contract to work in the Archives is really signing a pact with the Eye, so everyone there multiclasses in warlock, but only Jon really gains levels in it because of all the xp he gets by reading statements. Tim is a fighter, Sasha a 'real' wizard, Martin a bard who performs poetry instead of playing an instrument, says he studied at the College of Lore, but really he's self-taught and not even level 3 in bard.
Species though. i mostly drew Jon as a tiefling cause i wanted to give him horns but really, a tiefling would be preoccupied with whether or not he's turning into a monster. Sasha can just be human, and i think Tim is a half-elf, charismatic, easily fitting in with most crowds.
On the one hand i want Martin to be tall. but on the other. he just is a halfling. easily underestimated, typically caring, not very fast, not easily immobilized by fear, and, considering how little he gets hurt or wounded compared to tma's other characters, definitely a certain kind of lucky
#joos yaps#could also make jon a halfling and then we still can have tall(er) martin and s5 really is just lotr#tma#tma dnd au#tma s5#martin keeps multiclassing for 1 or 2 levels in a new class#so he can do a lot - poorly.#jon is constantly out of spell-slots cause no one ever short rests. this is why he passes out all the time#they assign ranger to melanie but i think rogue does work as well. rlly high dmg with a dagger#if jons a tiefling melanie must of course also be a tiefling.#dont wanna make a cop an orc but i do want some orcs so georgie gets to be orc#basira is a dwarf. daisy an elf#playing against type#ok. enough talking. send post
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not to be myself on main but im still here
#snap chats#sorry not sorry im still obsessed with how big he is. this is peak mags body to me just huge as fuck and solid like a freight train#i hate that charas follow where you're looking because now i feel especially filthy like STOP. i AM looking at your ass i dont wanna hear i#this is why i cant stream me playing 90% of the time i will Not So Subtly just be checking out the modeling of his ass#it aint even a perverse thing im just genuinely mesmerized by the shape and the definition ..... the sculpt ...#i am a very tactile person i love texture and feeling grooves and all that so OF COURSE im gonna be here Forever#yeah they'll never tear this skin away from me. i need to grab him#there is no bounce his ass isnt even big it is hard as steel but idc. let me grab#'snap youve lost the plot' i fear i never had it to begin with the release of this game just made me worse#my favorite thing mags does sometimes is he'll like. raise his leg like some kinda fuckin horse while flourishing his magnetism#for what reason did yall have him do that. im obsessed I Repeat he's like a giant horse to me#ok im gonna stare at him for another half hour like some sicko bye#maybe ill play the game again later but i wanna work on stuff first
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#red vs blue#rvb#locus#felix#sam ortez#isaac gates#felix mcscouty#lolix#mine#*24#art#rvb19 spoilers#just to be safe ig?#i love how even no one in the mercs discord rly knows what the hell was up with the random felix 'cameo' in restoration lol. we're all just#'idk man. maybe it's charon maybe sigma just used him as a base. who knows.'#its kinda hard to even make it into a merc plot point bc the reason WHY he's even there is non-existent. if epsilon didn't namedrop him#i wouldn't even have noticed tbh. like yeah his armor has felix's colors but that also could've just been sigma/omega mix too y'know#ofc tucker's relationship w/ felix can't be discounted reg. meta and epsilon and betrayal of trust etc. idk maybe i'll expand on this later#like maybe felix is in there bc tucker felt very betrayed by epsilon and felix to tucker is the embodiment of betrayal so meta = felix?#BUT i do like ghost felix haunting shit. even if it's not actually him but like a narrative/traumatic thing#he said you'll never get rid of me what i did to you will always linger <3#i do have some thoughts abt... Everything and the concept of haunting. wash's 'ghosts' and the guilt. meta wanting to destroy epsilon/the#past to be free. resentment of the past. nostalgia for it. the guilt of survival. moving on as a complete severing vs carrying it w/ you.#ok i'll stop rambling now lol#this didnt turn out exactly how i envisioned but i dont wanna work on it anymore and its not bad or anything so
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realizing that communication actually doesnt matter as much as ppl say it does, bc most ppl glorify it and see it as a magical solution when in fact communicating your feelings/wants/needs only work if other ppl are receptible to it. which... most ppl arent, both bc many dont want to bc it requires too much effort of them and it's easier to shift blame on others not "communicating", but also bc many many ppl just have brains that arent wired to understand others, or other viewpoints and perspectives. thus, no level of communication will make someone who isnt capable of receiving it hear you. most efforts to "communicate" are completely wasted. and it's frustrating, but what can u do?
#one of my main examples of this is...#i clearly stated in the beginning of someone expressing potential interest in me#that i have feelings for someone and i cant help that or do anything abt and its just how it is#but that person continued to call me stupid for not just stopping my feelings for my person#thats just an example *i* FEEL is obvious#even if u tell someone or warn someone or give someone a head ups#if they arent capable of comprehending it or you... it wont matter#they will still hurt / punish / get mad at u for not being what they want#so yeah... makes me wanna scream#humans are just too much fkn pain in the ass </3#i barely even see the point in being upfront or direct or honest anymore#it doesnt even fucking matter bc apparently most ppl are fkn incapable of hearing u 😒#i've always thought it so important to be considerate to others#not waste their time... not give them fair warnings etc etc#but more and more i feel like 9/10 they just fkn lash out on u anyway#maybe i should just be sketchy and dodgy and vague distant and detached and avoidant like everyone else is#and just protect myself and my own selfish desires and needs and wishes. everyone else does that.#i just am not wired to look at ppl and see what they can give me or what i can use them for#thats why i often am just upfront and honest. i dont see ppl as merchandise or their sole purpose being to serve me and my needs#im just a human and theyre a human and we have a mutual thing going#but no. nooooo. thats how *i* work. i've learned that now#most (not all but far too many im tired) look at others and automatically calculate how they can use them#what they can get out of talking to u. what they can take and get from u. how to make u act the way they want to#idk where im going with this.... uh. i just dont see the point in communicating. ppl dont listen..#bc they dont want to cummincate. they want u to shut up and act like the marionette they see u as. they dont wanna hear u out or understand#they want u to just behave and act how they tell u. thus communicating is a total waste of energy 9/10 times#like .. for example on here. i can put like warning im mentally ill in my bio. but ppl will still be personally affeonted when i act that#way to myself ... most ppl just are not capable of listening to others or processing the fact that others dont exist for them#it doesnt matter how much u try to be honest or direct or upfront bc they dont care. they dont hear it. they wont adjust or respect u.#so why even bother communicating? or warn? or be direct? none of that even makes a lick of difference its so futile
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✦Volcarona/Tsareena✦
✦Diancie/Solgaleo✦
✦Yvetal/Gardevoir✦
#pokemon fusion#yvetal#gardevoir#volcarona#tsareena#diancie#these arent even for if anymore im just having fun at this potin KJFHSKJDHFSJD#dont worry abt why two of them r in more or less the same pose i was feeling uncreative#in all seriousness i did yvetal first#got to tsareena#tried literally every pose under the sun#could not get them to work w its weird legs. theyre lowkey very hard to work with#ended up w this#anyways i wanna keep doing some big ones theyre so nice to do#also its cool to work without the constraints of which mons r in IF
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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