#i dont remember why i took these anymore
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i present: a bunch of random gifs and one photo cause my xbox captures are about to delete
#soap: 👍#i dont remember why i took these anymore#ghost call of duty#ghost riley#simon ghost riley#call of duty ghost#ghost mw2#ghost cod#mw2 ghost#cod ghost#ghost mw3#ghost mwiii#ghost mwii#cod simon riley#ghost simon riley#simon riley cod#simon riley call of duty#ghost gifs#cod gif
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TY STRAWBERRY BREAD FOR THE KOFI DONO!!!! heres your setsuna yuki :----]
#sorry this took so long everything is moving FAST in my life recently#love live#setsuna yuki#fanart#also this is such an hashtag Tumblr Elder thing but when drawing her make a heart sing i like#remembered seeing smthn that young zoomers/gen alphas dont make heart hands with their whole hands anymore?#they do what i drew ^ and i was like. okay. do i draw the zoomer version#like idk why that of all things was on my mind
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it kinda sucks that my biggest fear over the past 2.5 years was that all the people that i spoke to and considered as friends actually would just forget about me if i disappeared and then it kinda like. came true
#vent post#idk i just. think about this sometimes#i feel like i had so many friends in the fandom since 2020#and like. i dont talk to anyone anymore#i know it's not a big deal but like#i took a break to try to calm my anxiety and be like look. you can step back for a while and people will still remember you. dont worry#but then like.... the worst case scenario Did happen.#anyway idk why im sad about this again lol it's been months#i just sometimes look through old convos and remember how i felt back then and how i hoped that anxiety was wrong and to just push through#but like. the anxiety was true#anyway#i think the worst part is that i just feel like i cant trust myself when i care about people because im always anxious and#clearly i cant tell if that anxiety is actually false#>>dont listen to your brain everyone actually cares about you<< but like. there's evidence that's false LOL#sorry it's midnight shdjs#alizeh talks
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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#now my aunt is in remission...#a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school#I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly#i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts..#but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse#and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen#and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same#if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me#and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all#i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing#i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else#ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again#i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him..#Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment#im tired of it so much#the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep#i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore..#im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling#of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more#why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed#maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things#im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency#Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine..#i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened#and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ...#i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...
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Yall dont even know how badly down i was for this guy back in the day. Mf had me eating off the palm of his hand.
#luly talks#im pretty sure hes the main reason why im so into eyepatches in characters#at least one of the reasons at least#he was so hot AND FOR WHAT#TO SPEND HALF OF THE GAME JUST PUKING BLOOD#i remember close to nothing about this game but that scene had little kid me like sobbing and screaming and ripping my hair off#im exaggerating but not entirely im sure i cried when it looked like he was going to die#fucking okegom itself had me eating off the palm of their hand when i was a kid which#ITS BAD I KNOW LMAO but man. zany emoji but man. these silly little characters had me ON MY KNEES i swear to god#i dont actually remember if i was down as bad for anyone in wadanohara i guess. idate? and the octopus#but it was NOTHING like what me and wodahs had. or nega. although w nega it was platonic love i didnt wanna fuck that thing#i spoke of nega before the moment he died was one of the hardest blows kid me took#i mean they fucking crucified my man. they nailed him to the fucking cross. i was like 8.#my 8 year old ass did NOT need to see my at the time all time fave be fucking crucified i literally was crying so fucking hard#this sort of *grips table* way of interacting w shit did carry me to UT where when papyrus died i was like NOOOOOOOOOOO#bc i used to be a papyrus girlie yeah#part time sans girlie too i mean who wasnt back then but it was platonic never wished to fuck him#i dont remember if i didnt wanna fuck paps tho#i DO remember wanting to fuck grillby tho KFAJDHBGJH#when i got into lisa i was already too old and too normal to go as crazy anymore#no games ever managed to make me as emotional as Mogeko Castle and TGG just cuz of wodahs tho
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remind me to not wait like an entire year before getting into the new pkmn i cant believe i missed out for so long
#i used to play the games on release day now i dont even remember to watch a letsplay anymore sndjfndjjw#idek why i took this long w sv i guess i didnt wanna watch vids w all the performance issues at first (bc ppl were complaining a Lot)#and then i kinda just. forgot lol but i got to it in the end so its fine 👍 ive got the postgame and dlc left too so gonna watch those next#my post
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been thinking about. what happened in february a lot today since school is starting again soon. i still dont even know what happened fully i dont know if it was an actual threat or a joke or an excuse to get out of school or something i dont know. i hope whoever did it fucking dies
#i dont remember that day fully anymore i think my brain is trying to block it out.#but i remember when it was all over no one took how it affected me seriously because nothing actually happened.#and i remember crying a lot for the next few days and failing school because i kept staying home.#i dont know. im so scared i dontwant to leave the house ever again its not safe outside its not its notits not#''aa why do you still girlblog about ps'' it calms me down now to be in control of the situation and its safe bc my bf lives there ❤.
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bpd sucks
when i first went from tumblr to twitter circa 2018 i followed a few folks from tumblr on twitter bc they were friends and i had no idea where to start
since then, shit went down and there were ppl i just. could not absolutely stand to see bc they reminded me of the bad times(tm).
unfollowed/blocked on twitter made my life so much better
then twitter shit happened so i came back and lo n behold holy moly yikers i forgot they existed on this site too...
and just bc of that my day (at least the next few hours) has been ruined bc i have such heightened emotions and negative feels
like yea blocked the one account i never hope to see, unfollowed the main acct bc even looking at it is :///
hhhhhhhhhh life is difficult with bpd bc literal emotions from 3 years ago will come back and hit you like a truck the same way it did years ago with the same intensity
#bpd#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#pointless blogging#if you see this and i unfollowed you i just wanna say im sorry#bc i unfortunately cannot look at you and your name without remembering Ex-Mutual Friend#who in my eyes failed me completely and abandoned me without reason#took half my friends with them and it really feels like you're one of them#we dont talk anymore and when we do it feels disengenous#i tried to support you and your endeavors for a few months but i just absolutely could not bc *he* was there#i felt pretty replaced#and that no one heard my side#i really feel like that entire friend group we had#didn't even bother to listen to my side and left to be with them#and sometimes it feels like youre included in that group#which is why i had to do this#i just actually am emotionally unable to separate you from them#if you wanna talk to me... do so only as closure bc it won't last long#i'm sorry but my bpd is stronger than our ex-friendship.#if you dont wanna follow me bc of it i literally dont care#block me if you want bc i won't look back
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me writing an All for the game x doctor who crossover fic even tho there is zero demand for it and discovering how goddamn hard it is to create doctor who episodes
#i'm gonna start just stealing the plots of episodes that exist cause this is so fucking hard#Wymack as the Doctor and Andrew as his companion#took me a while but that is what i've settled on#aftg#all for the game#andrew minyard#david wymack#doctor who#the doctor#god this is hard#im remembering why i dont write much anymore#pls ask me stuff about this#i need the motivation
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#letting go. rather. been doing things in a day lately.#if it goes past 2 days im not allowing it. bc i need to stop obsessing over everything.#so ofc i took the time to have my daily doodle be bullshit as always.#i do need a break tho. pain bad. very bad. need to charge up bc this month is fucking busy. need to stop drawing .#ghost stories quote popped up in my head with this one. it is what it is.#irony of this one. forced myself to draw something about trying to quell the Perfectionist demon in a single day.#acceptable.#fk#m fk#c-c fk#i honestly cant remember the last time my pain was at a 6 or lower. its just been. 7-9 range for months now. im miserable. its whatever. i#kind of doubt i'll ever be that low again at this rate. its like. 2020 all over again. i cant. take it.#kinda hopeless but still here unfortunately#future isnt scary. its terrifying. its petrifying. dont want to live in this much pain anymore#sigh.#thats why doodles done in one day are good. less stress on drawn-out things.#hard for me tho.#ngl tho i found it unreasonably funny drawing this. i was quite physically cracking up imagining like. ok. youre quite literally choking to#death. and your face is all red. but only one half on account of the Syndromes. idk. idk why i found that so comical. i couldnt contain#my shit. so much so that i almost became the very picture i was drawing. bc i began to choke on the pizza i was eating. only for a#fleeting second. but still. saw my life flash b4 my eyes.#also a firm believer that pretentious artists are fucking stupid and annoying and at times quite ableist. and i personally revel in how i#literally am just like.oh. my anatomy i drew looks fucked up? botched hands? flat collar? asymmetrical eyes? like jokes on you. those thing#in my irl LEGIT are like that so technically my 'wrong/bad' anatomy is correct. suck it. however me drawing the brachial region vs me#drawing anything else is silly.#bc the amount of knowledge i have for the anatomy there specifically in comparison is so much more vast. so like i hyper render collars#and necks. meanwhile whenever i try and draw anything else im crying bc its such a struggle due to the fact that i dont fucking understand#how these other places work.
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I think one of my biggest regrets was/is not like, coming out to my Nana.
#Cade.Txts#srry am just thinkin bout things.#Like we had our problems-#but my sister would keep telling me about how she'd ask questions about me.#nothing bad but just being curious and asking about me- n just wanted 2 know what she could do i guess.#remember my sister telling me she asked why i had like. my facial hair(i dont rly think i can call it 'facial hair'#but anyways-) and my sister said Its just howv I am and she took it well.#n idk. idk how well she'd understand me Truly Coming out to her- but she clearly knew a lil and wanted to#be accepting? i guess. and i feel rly bad for just. ignoring it and her. was just scared and assumed the worst#of her and i feel like shit for doing that. n welp. now she's not here anymore n even if i wanna i Cant Now.#IDK. something something about wishing i could of let her get to know the like. 'real' me.
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#saw a really bad trigger today#i'm trying not to remember what happened back then.#i want to remember the friends ive made since then. that i'm not the useless child i was back then.#really trying to cling onto the fact that people Do care about me now. i have lots of mutuals from all sorts of fandoms that i care about#trying so so hard to remember i'm not 'mana' anymore. i'm not the terrified kid everyone took advantage of.#i have so many new people to love that care about me in return and i desperately want to remember that.#but i'm still scared. i'm still terrified it's not real. that i'll wake up back when i was nothing to everyone#i dont like remembering all of that happened to me. i'm so fucking scared why the horrible people from there still exist#they still exist and they got away with everything and they always come back to ruin every safe space i make for myself#i think i need a nap. my head is pounding.#atlas speaks;#vent;
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You can just say WIC it's ok
I hate government programs in the US bc conservatives are always trying to dismantle them so the lefty byline is always like "these programs are vital and lifesaving and keep so many people from starving and being homeless, they're Very Good and you have a moral obligation to protect and defend them!" and the program is question is something called the National Anti Hunger Initiative or NAHI and it only applies to people who have $527 or less a month in Net Perforated Index-Subnet Income (NPISI) before taxes and housing costs and the program gives you a $99 a month voucher that reloads every 1/80th waxing moon that is only good for buying specific brands of gruel BUT you only get to take 200 breaths a day when you're on the program and for every breath over 200 you take they subtract one dollar from the vouchers you receive and you have to count and report your own breaths bc they don't have the funding to do that and if you misrepresent the amount of breaths you take that's Breath Fraud and there's a hotline you can call to report someone's Breath Fraud and you can be denied gruel vouchers for the rest of your life if youre accused of Breath Fraud. And you're just like. Not allowed to complain abt this bc apparently the only alternative to this is no one ever gets gruel vouchers
#was i raised on WIC? yes#so that said#FUCK wic#literally count your breaths#i remember my mom crying because she got overtime 1 month at work which gave us jussssst enough extra money to have our gov help cancelled#it was like#oh you made 100 dollars more this month once??#i guess you dont need help anymore :)#also food stamps do this too#god the hell over food stamps#but like wic was so specific like cpuldnt even get the wrong BRAND OF MILK#or the wrong ounce of cereal BY THE DECIMAL#it also took like 18 years to checkout with WIC checks because theyre so difficult every cashier had issues with it#even when i grew up and cashiered myself i was like ??????? im doing everything right why is machine saying no????#like yeah it makes me protective as hell because people wanna dismantle it out of pissy greed reasons and thinking people need to starve#but WIC's gratuitous half gallon of milk and two boxes of cornflakes didnt really help#our church gave us expired jello packets and 25cent packets of expired turkey stuffing#like#we can afford 25 cents its the whole raising 3 kids + a single parent on a dismal salary and rent that raises in the hundreds every year#i gotta shut up#but like yeah
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(cross posting from my main because uh. not everyone needs to know my main)
possible tw for fake blood (drawn) and slight glitchyness(?)
fourth slide is mason yes.
i uh. actually dont know if im properly done but. its not like i show my like. um
proper?????? art on this acc anyways.
uh, feel free to not believe the whole lopt killing mason thing.
i dont really know why i made it in the first place lmao
(i absolutely do. i was being edgy and went “hey! i can traumatize charaters!��� and did. for better or worse idk 🤷)
uh. sorry for rambling on smth that isnt main.
this feels kinda awkward and idk why
#probably because i usually write shorter desc or whatever its called#idk anymore tbh#j’s misc shit#as im writing this unironically im listening to conspiracy theory#masons dumb ass hair took the longest and i wish i was kidding.#i also spent toooo long making the ring pictured line up.#(it was 4 mins but still. it was PAINFUL)#i actually considered darkening lopts eyes bc yk. canon. but then i remember in canon they uh#arent married. nor killed each other. nor went on a trip where lopt killed him. nor-#my point is that no shit its not gonna be canon.#may or may not write smth for this. i dunno#OHHHH SO THIS IS WHY IVE BEEN SO OBSESSED WITH MIRACLE MUSICAL?????#ohhh ohhh hoo boy its all coming toghther.#sometimes i love being a creator(?). i can inflict SOOOO much pain onto these two#and also make them fuc-#(kidding. ish. i uh. wrote smut like twice and i dont have much of an intrest in Ever doing it again)#(<— im activly attempting to draw smut. ish. anatomy :(. look)#(the only reason i wanna draw it is to prove that i can 😭😭 but uh. that isnt really working out for various reasons!)#(omg sho refrence?1??1?1 varible?????/?1?2?1)#(CHOKWS JESUS j shut up)#im gonna shut up before i hit the tag limit LMAO-
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not ppl bringing up the stephanie soo mukbang stuff after she stopped doing those and is making a consistent effort to be more respectful about heavier topics as well as getting rid of the said mukbang videos
#ama mumbles#shocker guys but ppl Can change and try to improve#if you still dont like her or think her content has problems its fine and fair but like. she took the criticism and stopped. doing that.#idk i dont know her personally or anything and i dont go on deep research of finding this and that of all things wrong of someone but like#she Stopped Doing That. the thing you are criticizing her for shes!! not doing anymore!!!#'i still remember these videos you took down' cool why did she take them down?#idk why im going to bat about this this is not a hill im going to die on#her new content can still be criticized obviously but i just. find the constant going back to old stuff especially when someone has#at least as far as i understand made an attempt to change from what they were criticized for and be more respectful#that that should be taken at least somewhat in good faith
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