#i dont really want to come out to my family but i think its inevitable

[catboyjorts]

.

[ridiasfangirlings]

"If you get a dog, dont even think about coming back to home!" But Saru's daugher didnt listen and still bring a little pomsky to home. But then Saru fall in love because how cute pomsky is (yeah, its like my dad when I adopt a pom :) )

I don’t think Fushimi would ever be the type to do the ‘don’t think about coming home’ thing though, considering his own family would probably actually mean that (well, considering how Fushimi’s home was, ‘don’t think about coming home’ was probably a ‘don’t threaten me with a good time’ kind of situation). He does however manage to make it clear to his daughter that they can’t have pets, Fushimi’s already got visions of some big smelly dog that somehow looks vaguely like Hidaka running roughshod through his house. His daughter really wants a pet, like most kids she loves cute fluffy things and thinks wouldn’t it be nice to have one of her own. Fushimi is clear that he has allergies and anyway it would be a pain to take care of, you need to feed it and take it out and bathe it, if she really needs to pet he’ll get her a fish or something. His daughter very much wants a puppy though, which is why she decides to be a bit spontaneous when one of her classmates happens to have a dog who just had puppies. 

Initially she thinks maybe she can sneak the dog in and her dad will never know, that lasts all of like five minutes because the moment the puppy sees Fushimi it falls in love and comes dashing out of its hiding place to love him. Fushimi is initially like ‘absolutely not’ but his kid is giving him hopeful eyes and finally he clicks his tongue and says fine, they can watch the dog while he tries to find it a better home. His daughter is determined to make him love the dog in the meantime though, imagine her being very conscientious about taking the dog out and feeding it and training it because she wants to show her dad how responsible she can be. Fushimi probably has the whole alphabet squad encouraging him to keep the dog too, like every kid should have a pet and Fushimi is torn between his own dislike of pets and his desire to let his kid have precious things she can hold onto. Also the dog isn’t that big or disruptive, at least not like he was worried it would be (imagine someone asking him about the dog’s size and he’s like it’s somewhere between a Misaki and a Hidaka). Of course since the dog loves Fushimi he inevitably becomes one of those parents who didn’t want the dog but is now charmed by the dog, imagine his daughter comes home one day to find Fushimi napping on the couch with the dog cuddled next to him and she just smiles because she’s pretty sure they’re keeping the dog.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hello cas! how are you?

i just wanted to ask something, i dont know, maybe have a little validation? im not sure

i have and regularly use a tumblr blog, and im an active ao3 author who will often project onto characters, both because its easier to write what i know and also because it makes for good storytelling. theres one thing though that i never talk about, not on my blog and not in my writing, but i feel like i should be?

i dont remember the silly medical word for it, but theres some condition on my dad's side of the family where weve got a higher chance of going blind, and usually earlier in life than most. my aunt has it, my grandfather had it, my older brother has it, and i have it. i didnt know my grandfather bc he died before i was born, but i know it only started affecting my aunt a little into her 50s, though it was much earlier for me and my brother (hes 27 and has about 50% of his vision, and im 20 and have about 70%, and for both of us what we have is also very blurred)

again, its not really something i talk about. ive been learning braille for when the inevitable comes (so far ive learned the alphabet and common conjunctions i can expect, so now im moving onto becoming more comfortable and confident feeling it all out) and honestly im pretty okay about it. its not that ive given up, im just... neutral? i have my peace with it. im working with what ive got or whatever, i dunno

but i feel like i should be... doing something with it? like, sharing my experience or using my writing to create representation. im always reading about people projecting their disabilities onto characters (especially remus, in place of his lycanthropy in muggle aus) like deafness, or epilepsy, or chronic pain, or migraines, but i rarely read about blind characters/sight impaired characters, and i just wonder like... should i be writing that? should i be doing something?

i dont know if this even makes sense haha. i just feel some sort of obligation to talk about it, but especially because i already project onto my characters with my mental health issues etc it almost feels like id also be writing about myself *too* much? it feels like theres no winning

im also sort of nervous that if i *did* bring it up on my blog now, that people might think im just making it up or something because ive never mentioned it before. i also dont know everything about it, and if people asked me something i didnt have an answer to, im afraid of that too. as though just because im losing my vision i should know every single thing there is to know about blindness. its silly and i know that, but it still makes me nervous to talk about it after all this time

Hi! <3

I understand why you feel this way, but please know that you don't owe anyone anything just because you have a disability. You're not obligated to be an activist or educator, in any way, shape, or form. There are plenty of aspects of my life I choose not to talk about and boundaries I draw when it comes to talking about my life on tumblr, and that's okay! Nobody who is part of a group that needs representation has to be the person to create that representation. For example, while I work to create trans representation in my writing, I choose not to address a lot of my childhood trauma. Sure, I could write about having a parent who is an addict, but I choose not to, and that's a choice I'm allowed to make, just as you are!

However, if you DO choose to talk about it and someone accuses you of faking? 1. Ew. Block them. 2. Send them to me. That's horrible and they need to be yelled at.

Naming you validation anon

[m2ssvex]

//vent

I havent really posted here a lot but honestly whatever. I think i'll keep this page as my diary or smth

Recently i've moved from my mothers apartment and into my dads house back in my village and everythings been fine ig, but just tonight my mom texted me saying that she missed and idk i guess that hit me really hard because if im being honest im not present anywhere at all, idk how she missed when i was bearly there. What i mean is i dont talk to my family unless theres an actual obligation for me to do so and even then its hard to do that. So i would always just sit in one place for hours at a time not saying a single word to my mom or to my brother, so i just really dont understand HOW she missed me when she had no problem not speaking to me for hours daily. I bearly know my family, which i know its sad but im just disconnected from them and i cant fix that nor do i want to, since i know they'll all hate me when i come out as gay and inevitably move to another country. Idk this entire thing is a mess but i just wanted to rant and i wont be tagging this bc i dont want anyone to see this. Or maybe i do?? Since this is me posting on social media rn. Is this a cry for help?????? Hahaahah noooo i love my family this entire vent thing is a jokeee lol

[studaxy]

hii!! :) this is astra! 🩵

i hope this doesnt come off as rude or offensive 😿 but you've mentioned that you were originally preparing for neet, right? welllll im currently preparing for jee & i was just wondering like if you knew like neet wasn't just the "✨️destination✨️" or like "✨️the ultimate goal✨️" of yours?? idkk did you ever have these doubts 😭? bec im currently having them & i actually wanna prepare for neet bec I've always been interested in it lol 😅 saurr like I just wanted to know if you ever had the doubts & stuff bec I really dont wanna waste my parents money & efforts haha <3

& I hope you have a great day/night!! :) & im extremely sorry if I come off as rude or insensitive 😞 :(

nono its cool!! its not rude or insensitive at all its a very valid thing to ask and I'm honestly in a better place now so its chill

neet was my mom's dream. she always wanted to have a doctor in the family, and well it didn't happen because my dad and all of my siblings including me are engineers now lol. but as soon as my first grade I've had like "oh axy's gonna give neet, they're gonna become a doctor" drilled in my brain to the point where like, I didn't really know anything else. I kinda wasn't allowed to think differently for my entire highschool yknow? I get what you mean by having doubts because I did have them when the stress of it all got to me but at the same time I shoved them deep in my brain because I was in denial, it was my mom's dream so I couldn't have doubts.

she did this with my siblings, and well it didn't work out for them, and it evidently didn't work out with me either because when it was finally time to give neet, I realized, oh I just. I don't want this. I'm going to be stuck with these subjects for the rest of my life, preparing for exams like this for years and years and. I don't care about it enough to give up the years I had for it yknow? its like when you have two choices, and you flip a coin for it and you realize which one you want it to land on while its in the air.

I guess you could say then all the money my parents put in preparing me for neet was a waste. I mean, it was, it very much was, my mother was very disappointed and we do not have a good relationship - we're kinda working on it? - but I also think its inevitable, unfortunately. I don't think you get a win win situation when deciding for careers, especially as a desi, because at least one person you care about will be heavily disappointed and money will be wasted.

I'm kinda not the right person to ask lol because I'm still not sure what exactly I'm interested in - i'm enjoying engineering but maybe its because I'm taking subjects entirely opposite to that of neet who knows - but if you know for sure that neet will be good for you and that you're not interested in jee then go ahead and try to make it happen man! talk to your parentals, start that conversation, see how it goes even if it hurts a little on the way.

I'm a lot happier now even if it was miserable planting that seed into my parent's brain. the passive-aggressive comments will come and the guilt will be painful but like, at least you're not doubting and dreading the rest of your future yknow?

I hope that makes sense lol and I hope you got the answer you wanted. I also hope everything works out in your favour and that you're happier for it :]🫂

good day/night to you too!

p.s - sorry for answering late lol I was swamped with assignments

[blamemma]

Not sure if you answered this before but based on your latest bookish asks, what are your top book recommendations? 😌

i have definitely answered this before but cannot find it anywhere in my books tag oops so i dont think i ever tagged it correctly but oH NO a chance for me to talk about my favourite books what a shame???!!!!! anyway book recs under the cut x

ok so i'll try and do this succinctly cause i can talk about good books for hours and hours and what made me so enamoured with them so ok lets go.

bewilderment by richard powers - go into this knowing nothing apart from it centers around a single dad and his son who is concerned about animals and the climate crisis. do not google more about it, do not look for spoilers, just let powers take you on this slow journey of a father and son and all that comes with that....thrust it into the arms of my flatmate with these same words and he kept on asking me questions because he couldn't work out some things in the book and then one night at about 12:30am i get a knock on my bedroom door cause he finished it and we talked for hourssss about it.....just please....read it

at swim, two boys by jamie o'neill - no one is surprised to see this here, maybe look up some of the trigger warnings if there are things you avoid in books for this one, but yeah, two boys, dublin, in love with each other but not acting on their feelings, learning how to swim and forging a bond so strong :)) still thinking about it still aching

the seas by samantha hunt - i think she's under 200 pages?? if not only slightly over.....quick fast paced weird read about a fucked up girl who believes deep in her heart she's a mermaid, flew through this one, really weird concept that was explored thoroughly well

the idiot by elif batuman - i often forget about this one because i read it during the hazy depressed days of first year uni but i know it shaped me, i know it clawed at me, and i know i really want to re-read it soon....a good book if ur lost in ur twenties i think xx

drive your plow over the bones of the dead by olga tokarczuk - much like bewilderment, dont google this one for more than the synopsis and let urself wade through the first 50 pages cause god from there....chefs kiss....a feminist murder mystery fuck YES (and thats a really simple description of what it is)

crossroads by jonathan franzen - aight so you take a heavy religious family with a pastor for a father but ooft the father is cheating on his wife and the son is addicted to drugs and the daughters had enough of her family and is in love with someone she shouldn't be and the mothers done some questionable shit in her past......yeah thats MY kinda family saga....each chapter follows a different member of the family and through these lil snippets u really start to see the inevitable breakdown of a family that on the outside looks perfect

babel by r.f. kuang - look, i gotta give it to the tiktok girlies here......they're onto something here......devoured this beast of a book like there was no tomorrow and went through a full array of emotions with all the characters.....superb book, truly deserves all the hype its been given

(lol reading back through all these and i think what we can comfortably say is i LOVE a sad book keep ur happy emotions away from me)

HONORABLE MENTIONS GO TO: mayflies by andrew o'hagan; the death of vivek oji by akwaeke emezi; shuggie bain by douglas stuart; my brilliant friend by elena ferrante (can not yet recommend the full quartet because i've only read the first two....but yeah.....good shit)

[kazperthegh0st]

Chapter 1 of my maxley fic:

Max is now officially a sophomore. Its june and he’s completely done with Freshman Year. Bobby, PJ, and him are gonna have fun this year, and Brad—

Brad has officially graduated. Meaning that Max doesn’t have to deal with him ever again. So yeah, he’s excited for the next year to come. Hes skating home from the last day of freshman year when the car pulls up beside him real slow.

“Max.”

Max looks over. In a nice red convertible is the last person he wanted to see, a part of Freshman Year he wanted to leave behind, is Bradley Uppercrust the third. “How do you feel about a 1 week, all expenses paid, free vacation?” Max didn’t expect those words to ever form from Bradley’s lips.

“What. Are you crazy.” Max continued to skate away. Bradley was drunk. Probably.

“ALL expenses! Food, clothing, hotel, whatever you want, for a whole week!”

“No.”

“Max, Please.”

“Why would I go on a vacation with you?” Max was skating along the sidewalk, slowly, as the red convertible coasted along beside him.

“Because its free! FREE!”

“God, your such a rich loser, Brad. You really think you can just buy your friends?”

“One week. You can call me whatever names you want and then you wont ever see me again.”

Knowing Brad, Max wouldn’t have a second of peace the whole summer if he continued to refuse.

Max stopped skating, kicking his board up suddenly.

”Fine.” He looked in the direction of his house. There was probably a one mile stretch between him and his house. “But you have to drive me the rest of the way to my house so i can pack.”

Max reached for the door handle on the car but it was locked. He finally looked at Brad.

Brad was grinning. “Max, max, max. You don’t need to pack. I said I’d buy you whatever you need.”

”I dont need you to buy me clothes,” Max told him. He said it slowly, like Brad was a child that was having trouble understanding him. “I have clothes. They're at home. I would like to get my clothes.”

”The vacation started the second you agreed. That timer is ticking, Max.” Brad glanced at his watch. “That means we have 3 less minutes of our vacation.”

”Why the hell are you in such a rush?” Max asked.

“thats none of your business.”

”it is my business, if you want me to go on your stupid vacation.” Especially without letting me pack.

“Alright, Ill tell you once we leave. No packing required, just you and your skateboard,” Brad was explaining this slowly. Cautiously. As if the wrong word might scare max away from the trip.

“Im at least saying goodbye to my dad that way he knows to file a missing persons report when i inevitably don't return next Friday,” Max told him. “No goodbye, then No vacation.”

”fine, fine, can’t understate the importance of family,” his tone was mocking, but the words were bitter. He unlocked the door.

Max climbed into the car, settling his skateboard in between his legs.

It was quiet.

Then they pulled into Max’s driveway.

“Try not to get too emotional, we are on a time crunch,” Bradley reminded him.

“Its probably the last time ill see him, they probably wont find my body in whatever woods you plan on hiding it in,” Max jokingly told him.

“Youll be back here in a week, I can guarantee that.”

Max got out of the car. He slammed the door behind him and never looked back at Brad’s face.

He reached for the doorknob and twisted it. It was locked. His dad never locked the door when he was home.

He crouched down and found the key under the welcome mat. He unlocked the door.

Inside the house all of the lights were off and everything was quiet.

Max found a note on the counter:

”heya son,

im out on a date with sylvia :)

ill be back around 8

-your dad”

So his dad wasn’t even home. Max wrote a letter of his own, telling his dad that he’d be gone for about a week, not to worry, and that if he wasn’t back by next friday around 6 that the police should be called.

He deliberately left out the part about who he was going out with.

He quickly (knowing how angry brad could get) grabbed a few essentials. It wasn’t packing since he didn’t have a suitcase. He grabbed a pair of sunglasses, his toothbrush, and also a wad of emergency cash he had stored in an air vent.

He left the house and went back to Bradley’s car. He jumped in the passenger seat of the convertible, not even bothering with the car door.

“hey! Where my skateboard?” He asked. He gave Bradley a look of ‘what the fuck man’.

“its in the trunk. If you’d rather have no leg room thats fine by me.” Bradley said as he shifted the car into reverse, a bit eagerly, and shot out of the driveway.

“thanks, i guess.”

”what did Goof senior have to say?” Bradley asked.

“he wasn’t home, he was out with his girlfriend. I left him a note,” Max explained.

“i dont think i will ever understand why someone would go out with him,” Bradley said snarkily.

“Dont talk about my dad like that!” Max protested. He didn’t admit that Bradley was right. “Also its the librarian at our college.”

”why am i surprised,” Brad responded dryly

Bradley drove like a madman. He was already headed toward the interstate and in the passing lane before max could protest.

“You drive like a maniac!”

“Im trying to get out of this town!”

”what the fuck are you in such a hurry for?! Youre gonna get us killed.”

“My apologies to the passenger princess here. I said I’d buy you anything while we’re on this trip, that includes funeral arrangements!”

”Youre fucking crazy!”

”oh please,” Bradley said,as he swerved around another car. “ you knew that when you got in the car with me.”

Then Bradley jerked the wheel and crossed several lanes to get to the exit ramp. Max heard the sound of a car honking at them as Bradley cut them off.

Thankfully Bradley obeyed the speed limit on the exit ramp. The brakes squealed.

Max was shaking. “What the fuck.”

”youre fine, freshman. Im also in this car, do you really think im gonna do something that could get both of us killed?”

”yes,” Max stated, without any sort of hesitation.

Bradley hesitated. ”well I dont plan to.”

They pulled up to an intersection. Max was surprised Bradley didn’t just run the red light. Instead, Brad impatiently tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.

“Where are we going?” Max asked him.

”Right now we are going to get gas. Then I am going to get a pack of cigarettes and a beer.” Bradley looked at max. “You can get a soda or a snack or something. Or both.”

”I dont get a beer?” Max asked lazily, a smirk resting on his face. He might be underage but he was also at college. And he got invited to the last gamma party. He has had alcohol before.

“Absolutely not, freshman,” Bradley sneered

“not a freshman.”

”i dont really care.”

”since when do you smoke? Also where are we going after we get gas?”

”a while, not that my drug habits are any of your business. And to the second question, we can talk about that after weve got gas.”

The light finally turned green, and Bradley pressed down on the gas pedal, hard.

The force shoved max back against the seat of the car.

Bradley took a few left turns, and then maneuvered the convertible into the gas station. He pulled up beside a pump and put the car in park.

”We’ll get gas after we grab somethings from inside,” Bradley told him.

Bradley got out of the car and took a minute to adjust his clothing: he mad sure his shirt was tucked in, that his sweated hadn’t bunched up weird, pulled up his socks.

he did everything he could to make himself look more perfect. And honestly, Max didn’t think he could get more perfect.

Once brad made sure of his perfection, he looked back at max, who had still not gotten out of the car.

Brad raised an eyebrow at him “Are you coming or not?” In the lighting of the truck stop, max could see a bit of bruising around Bradley’s eye and a bit of broken skin around his lip. He was still fucked up after the X games.

”yeah, im coming.”

He jumped out of the car just as brad locked it with a button on the fob.

Even with a busted up face Brad looked nice.

They mad their way to the doors of the station and brad shoved some money into Max’s hand.

”Get whatever you want, spend it all or dont.”

Then Brad quickened his pace and walked into the little store. He didn’t hold the door or anything.

Max walked to get himself a slushie. He layered Cola and Cherry and Blue Raspberry in the biggest cup he could find. He checked out the chip isle and grabbed a bag of potato chips. He wandered around a bit before heading to the check out counter.

finally he straightened out the cash in his hand. He gave the lady at the counter enough to cover the purchase and pocketed the rest.

He headed back to Brad’s car, sipping on his Slushie.

Brad had beat him out there, and was filling the car up with gas.

Brad glanced at him. “Could you have gotten a bigger drink?”

”No, thats why i got this size.” Max looked down at the drivers seat, there was two packs of unopened cigarettes. In the cup holder was an open beer can. There was a whole case of beer in the back seat. “Could you have gotten any more beer and cigarettes?”

”probably, I just didn’t want to carry any more than that.”

“So where are we going now?” Max asked him.

”Not sure. Do you have any ideas?” Brad asked him. He had finished filling up the car by then and had walked around to where max was standing.

”Do you actually care what I think? Thats new,” Max remarked.

“Get in the car max,” Brad told him.

When they were both in the car, Brad took a long sip of his beer.

“Its getting late so we have to check into a hotel somewhere, but I dont really have a destination in mind.”

“We could go to Colorado?” Max suggested.

“Why Colorado?”

”Cuz. Its got mountains. Hiking trails, we could probably rent bikes and go out on trails, Skate around town,” Max explained.

”Colorado could be fun,” Brad said.

”Did you bring your skateboard?” Max asked.

“No. But i can always just buy a new one,” Brad told him. He was ripping the plastic off of a pack of cigarettes.

“I know why I didn’t bring any of my stuff but why didn’t you?” Max asked.

”It was a last minute thing.”

Bradley had opened the pack of cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth. He arched his body in a weird way so he could reach into his pocket, then he grabbed out a lighter.

”So you just decided to go on a random roadtrip and drag along the guy you hate the most? Am i missing anything?” Max questioned.

Bradley lit the cigarette and took a really long drag.

”Youre missing a lot, actually,” Brad told him.

”Do you mind filling me in?”

”Yes. Yes I do mind.”

”You told me you would explain.”

”Im not sure I can recall that.”

”Then at least tell my why you dragged me along on this stupid trip!”

Bradley took another drag of the stupid Cigarette and blew all of the smoke into Max’s face.

”You know why.”

”I dont know, Brad. Thats why im asking you.”

”Do I have to spell it out for you, freshman? Ever since you beat me at the X games, I have lost all, ALL, of my friends. I couldn’t find a single person that was willing to go on this trip. So you were my last option.”

”You could have just gone alone,” Max reminded him.

”No, no I couldn’t.”

Brad offered the cigarette to Max, who accepted it.

“So you’d rather take your worst enemy to Colorado than go by yourself?” Max asked, then he took a drag of the cigarette.

”Youre not my worst enemy. Honestly you're probably the closest thing I’ve ever had to a friend.”

Max started choking on the cigarette.

”Im sorry,” he coughed, ”The fuck?”

[keefwho]

Introduction

Trauma Some stuff stood out to me in the intro of this book. The author talks about how trauma can not only sever the ability to connect with others, but yourself too. This is something I theorized but am starting to get confirmation for. In relation to the book, I fit the bill of being someone with a broken connection to his sense of self and his body. She also made it clear that life is hard and that whatever we experience is not anyone's fault. Bad things in life are unavoidable. People will abuse you. Natural disasters will happen. Accidents will hurt you.

Healing Together A big thing was how she emphasized the importance of healing together. "We are hurt in relationship, and we heal in relationship." This is another thing I really believed but couldn't preach because I'm no expert. What if I was wrong? I've been wanting to reach out and embrace that yes, we both have trauma but we can work through it together. It's not really our own individual fight. It's okay to have company through it. I dont want to feel bad for wanting to connect in this way. Its very powerful, we are social creatures through and through.

Contingency The importance of human connection can not be understated. We have the amazing ability to know when someone really 'gets' us or not. I personally feel like very few people 'get' me. Something that can be done here is taking stock of the kind of relationships in my life and putting more effort into people that seem to be available in the ways that I need. Who you surround yourself with really matters and it's something I've already started adjusting. Also notable was how directly I've experience a loss of connection due to feeling threatened in any kind of way. Safety is essential to co-regulation.

Childhood Neglect While reading about the ideal upbringing of a child in a caring family, the part about the child crying out and having someone respond made me think of something. It reminded me of the times I would be at home with my dad but he would be passed out drunk. Sometimes I would need something and he wouldn't be able to give it to me and I now realize how traumatizing that must have been.

I've experienced a lot of contingency with my friend Daisy. Specific experiences that come to mind are the times we've had heart to heart talks in VRchat, face to face all close to each other. It was amazing to "feel felt." So amazing that I keep wanting it to happen. I notice that my body feels permeated by the color pink. Its a strong feeling in my chest. I can only describe it as beautiful. What stands out most is how it feels like all that exists is us, like we float in a void together where nothing else matters. These are my most cherished moments of connection in recent history.

Attachment Style Out of the 4 listed, I identified most with the ambivalent attachment style, with some hints of avoidant too. It was important to note that no one falls cleanly into one category. I resonated greatly with experiencing anxiety about not having my needs met or feeling secure in being lovable. I often anticipate inevitable abandonment. "People with the avoidant attachment style tend to see their histories as mostly fine until feelings of longing resurface and they realize what they missed relationally."

My Parent's Shortcomings (Mom, Dad, Stepdad) -Prone to staying in abusive situations. -Immature while arguing. -Placing blame on others. -Refusing to play if it's something she doesn't like. -Sacrifices herself for others. -Lowkey judgmental of my interests. -Alcoholic. -Enforced no rules for me. -Generally bad at meeting the physical needs of a child. -Dangerous behavior due to alcoholism. -Emotionally unavailable. -Solution to all arguments is yelling. -Placing blame on others. -Refusing to play if it's something he doesn't like. -Can never be wrong. -Fragile ego, has to be in charge of the household. -Hoarder. -Bad financial decisions. -Poor hygiene standards. -Forced interests onto me. My Parent's Strengths (Mom, Dad, Stepdad) -A very strong woman who faced a lot of adversity. -Willing to come to my aid no matter what I need. -Above average appreciation of nature and animal life. -Lighthearted and goofy. -Doing her best to run the household. -Strong importance for family. -Ability to be alone. -Very skilled music and magic performer. -Nice attitude and friendly to everyone. -Values community. -Stopped alcoholism. -Generous. -Has always called me after all these years, even though I usually wouldn't talk much. -Very hard worker. -Physically strong. -Knows where he stands on his values. -A good family protector, he'd die for us. -Would do anything for any relative. -Served our country for 20 years. -Extremely good at socializing -Will help anyone if asked.

[loyalestmunch]

09.06.23

update. my cat got put down 8 days ago. im kind of fine now i did most of my coping/crying/grieving before it even happened bc my head is stupid and prepares for the worst. but if i think about it for too long i get teary eyed. i miss her every day. sometimes i'll hear a small noise and out of instinct i'll look to see if she's nearby, followed by instant regret and emptiness. i swear i still see her in the corner of my eye sometimes. sometimes i'll visit the spot where she's buried and tell her about my day. i hope shes out there somewhere listening.

also. as if one grief wasnt enough. few days after my cat's passing im at the park by myself swinging listening to music and a random little girl sits in the swing beside me. i dont think anything of it because i always get approached by kids when im at the park having me time. so i mind my business and this kid asks me for my name so i have to reluctantly take out an airpod and be like What did u say and she was like Ur name whats ur name and i was like oh it's *deadname* to which she replies with her name, aurora. she was really young, maybe 6 at most, so our small talk consisted of fnaf and taylor swift. not long after talking she invites me to sit at a bench with her. i say okay and she takes me to a spot closer to her family. upon our arrival her dad comes to the both of us (i was thinking he was probably annoyed that his daughter brought me (i have blue hair and piercings)) but he wasnt annoyed he just came and asked if i wanted a kitten. stunned and confused, i was like yes sure i want a kitten and i shit u not he pulls out a small black/gray/brown tabby and places her in my arms. it felt like this kitty was supposed to be mine. i just lost my cat. how did these events get intertwined?????

to make a long story short: i brought her (the kitten) (i named her smokey) home and my mom was pissed n didnt let me keep her despite by begging and pleading. i tried to tell her i felt as if i was connected with my old cat again when i spent time with the kitten. as she does, she disregards those feelings and gets rid of the damn cat. im still not talking to her as of right now.

so anyway. ive never felt so alone before and its so hard not to relapse. but i think its inevitable atp. as my main way of coping was spending time with my cat. im forced to be alone with my thoughts and feelings all the time.

romantically, im still stuck chasing people who couldnt give a shit about me. but thats been going on since me and ***** broke up in may. it just sucks, especially now, because i am quite literally, mentally and physically, alone. and i hate being stuck w this bitch for long periods of time. we dont get along.

[audible--silence]

Shrooms trip

I want someone else to make sense of me more than i can make of me

Shelter, food, comfort

Thats all that ya really need

Why am I thinking of Grace?

Is she my compass?

Why?

Does she even have a clue?

We’re all just collections of experiences and memories floating around this nonsense rock doing things till we inevitably arent

And in the middle of nowhere, disconnected from everything else, you dont need much. Simplicity is fine.

At least, if only for a little while

Criminal, how much should change for me and how much i should live, only to be faced with those i love, never changing or ever living more

A coin dropped, i always think im coming home.

This is only a time away. Everything i do I’m taking back home to tell to friends and show to family. What if me, now, out in the nowhere, is all there is? Im never going home? I’m starting again? god it feels so scary to think about all that ive made in twenty four years and to think about throwing that to the dirt

An odd age, 24 is.

Young enough to be a fool

Old enough to be a teacher

You thought you were good at chaos but you always need order. You need systems within chaos in order to feel safe. Is it hospo? Is it from dad? Is it from mum?

This is how i always wanted to feel

Awake, alive, thinking and considering

If there’s something in there causing you grief, remember that its in there anyway and the only way past it, is through

I wanna do shrooms w grace and w benj

This is how i wish i lived normally in day to day life with childlike curiosity and wonder, introspective intuition and warmth

“I can, so i do” - on kindness to strangers, with your old pal, barbecue andy

That phone screen is comfort and warmth for me

.

The old lady yelled at me from her humble, earthen home in the mountains

I didn’t understand a word she said

But i knew exactly what she meant

Pick up that banana peel

You had the good bit, you deal with the rest

Take pride in yourself

Treat your surroundings with respect

You’re visiting our land

Don’t disrespect us

Yes the banana might biodegrade

Yes theres bottles of tecate and plastic bags littering the floor

But the point remains

Do as your parents taught you and clean up after yourself

Treat the land well

Be a good guest

Be courteous

Check yourself

Think what you wish to be and act accordingly

Dont fucking stray.

She said. Loudly.

[technowoah]

Dating The Dream Team Headcanon(s)

Dream! (Clay)

Our supposed golden retriever

He loves you with his whole heart and he'll tell you that every second he gets.

He loves showering you with affection on and off camera

Mostly off camera

Pda isn't a problem because no one knows his real face.

He'll kiss you, holding hands, hug you, piggyback rides when your feet hurt, locking arms, arms around eachother when you're walking. All of be above

Just hugging you from behind all of the time. And always wanting to be around you

But if people know who you are and know you're dating Dream you two rarely go outside in public areas.

But home dates are amazing too!

Blanket forts even though its so cliché, he insists.

Watching horror movies on the first date was his choice.

Ya know for somone to cuddle, just in case they get scared. It worked.

You guys dont need "dates" because you always are around eachother.

But Clay likes to have formal dates every now and then

At first you didn't know what to call Clay.

You had called Clay, Dream for the first month you two started officially dating.

One day he asked you why, and you said that you watch videos that he's in and gotton used to people calling him Dream

He melted on spot when you mentioned you watched his videos and videos with him in it.

Except for the minecraft cheating ones

He always asks if you like the video first before anyone else because he values your opinions.

He'll sit you on his lap while recording or editing and sometimes, I emphasize sometimes, your voice will make it into a video.

He was very protective of you, and still is. Especially because of the place he is in popularity.

In the beginning your conversations while speed running would always be either muted from his audience or either cut of from the extended manhunt videos.

Now he takes pride in having his significant other's voice in videos. He dosent cut out your conversations, except if they're too personal.

Or the kisses

Dream bought you roses on the first date, and now roses are such a special thing between you two.

Those little rose pendants for jewelry, fake roses to keep around his place, gifts things that reminded him of your first date with a rose that comes with it.

He gives you merch of course!

Your closet is full of Dream hoodies and a box full of milestone coins.

You always either get the prototype one or the first one made. Idk how he made that happen, but take his word for it.

You've meet "Drista" before, and you had met his family too!

His family adores you.

He has yet to meet yours, but one day he promises he will make a great first impression.

I would do into more detail, but Dream is one of the most caring, sweet, boyfriend's you'll ever have.

Sapnap!

My boyyyy

I love sapnap srs

Gentlemanᵗᵐ

He'll treat you like royalty

He's not the biggest fan of PDA but further into your relationship he got more comfortable with showing you love in public.

He loves hugs, lying together, just hugs and sitting you on his lap and resting his head on your shoulder.

You guys mostly have home dates for him to have an excuse to hold you all day.

The dates are mostly movie marathons with one of you laying ontop of one another

He loves cheek kisses btw.. all the time

Conversation between you two flows so naturally you could talk for hours about anything.

You try to convince him to have a podcast.

When you get too riled up his voice calms you and he knows that so he uses it to his advantage.

You two play fight alot, its never serious you two barely fight.

Also calling him his real name was the strangest thing to him.

Like Dream, it had to take some getting used too because their friends wouldn't call them by their real name (most of the time)

He adores nicknames for the both of you. You both have too many nicknames but the most popular one between you is 'angel'

You never sit in the same room while he plays video games, because he can scream very loud.

There probably has been noise complaints. And you wouldn't be surprised.

You'll always defend him no matter what. Even when the twitter stans get to him, he knows you'll be there without a doubt. Always ready to defend your man.

You're kinda protective of Sapnap, but he's more protective over you.

You two would defend eachother to the ends of the earth.

You trust him with hanging out with other people, but you just dont trust Twitter.

He loves showing you off to his community. He kept you a secret at first then gradually started saying "my significant other" and they caught on.

Sapnap isnt that much of a gift giver. He loves to spend more quality time with a person.

He likes to spend more time with you than buy you material things all the time.

But he gives you his merch, but then the rest of the clothes you get are his actual hoodies.

He's actually starting to miss his clothing so he asks for them back for them to inevitably end up back in your closet.

You and Sapnap are planning to take a trip to meet his parents and then make a weekend out of it.

Then the next stop is to meet yours and out of all the relationships you've had you're not nervous for him to meet your parents.

We love sapnap in this household and he would just be the best boyfriend srs

GeorgeNotFound! (George)

This man is so annoying

But like in an endearing way ya know?

He never fails to brighten up your day

Making you laugh

repeating phrases over and over again

poking you nonstop to get a reaction out of you

giving you long hugs that never seem to end

kissing you all over your face.

He is just so bright.

Hes the neighbors kid

George loves giving you affection whether its kisses or holding your hand he wants you to know he's there.

Even if you dont want him to he'll always want to be around you.

He loves skinship.

George loves walking around London finding stuff to do for dates.

He loves taking small roadtrips too so you get to see stuff around the area you wouldn't normally see.

Just walking around holding hands while making fun of anything you can see.

You two are out in public a lot so when George does his meetups with his friends and brings you along people would stop them and want to take pictures.

He'll introduce you as his significant other in public to fans who ask or notice, but online when his friends ask about his relationship he says "what relationship?" Even though his whole fanbase knows you two are dating.

His fanbase loves you two together, but sometimes they can get too much.

George couldn't care less about what his fanbase thinks if him and his relationship and he wants you do think the same because its not worth it.

Your voice sometimes appear in his videos when you comment on something he does in minecraft.

George doesn't like to put his personal life out on the internet so he still keeps secrets about yall relationship

All his community knows is that you're his significant other and you're "really cool" in George’s words.

You stay in his room when he's recording because he insisted that you stay.

Also he doesn't give you his merch, he refuses to and everytime you ask he just says "because I said so" and "I need the money"

He ends up giving you merch, you knew it was a bluff anways.

Dreams love language is gift giving

Sapnaps is quality time

and George’s is skinship like I said.

Hugs and kisses all the time. Even when your mad at him

You guys have so many inside jokes its ridiculous.

You say them around your friends and laugh just to annoy them.

You guys love to flaunt your relationship around. Showing off that "this is George’s jumper" and "oh this is y/n's necklace"

One time you threatened to cut George’s hair and he didnt speak to you for like an hour.

You already have a good relationship with him and his friends, but you havent met his family yet.

If your family lives out of the country you both plan to travel for him to meet your family.

If your family is in the same country you guys plan a month where you both meet eachothers parents in that same month.

George would be so proud that he got to meet your parents. And the same goes for you.

After all you both love a little road trip from time to time.

Anyways being georges significant other would be a 20/10 experience.

Taglist(s)

Dream Team Imagines: @bozowrites

MCYT Imagines: @annshit @bobaducky @malfoysslutt @egorldevi

[hopeymchope]

2022: The Rise of the Sneering, Manipulative Protagonist!

...and I mean that in the BEST possible way.

Based on my other writings on this Tumblr, you might read that headline and expect this to be a teardown of the characters I’m referring to. After all, you might think that a certain purple-haired lad with a checkerboard scarf could be described with the same words. But I say thee NAY! I come not to condemn the heroes of Tomadachi Game and Trapped in a Dating Sim, but instead to praise them!

So: Over the past couple of months, I’ve fallen in love with two boys who have truly embraced the notion of being the hero people need even if they’re not the one people want. Not only are they really compelling characters in their own right, it’s also interesting to see how their attempts to “playing the bad guy” contrast with somebody I’ve previously ragged on in this blog quite a bit. 

But we’ll get there. First, let’s talk about these two guys with their somewhat-similar solutions to problems as well as their obviously-similar hairdos.

We begin with Yuuchi Katagari, the protagonist of Tomadachi Game. (Which should really have been translated as “Friendship Game” for English audiences, but I guess someone in localization did precisely 1/2 their job and then rolled over for a nap or something.) Tomadachi Game is about Yuuchi and his friends getting trapped in a series game “rounds” where huge amounts of money are on the line — and unfortunately, huge amounts of debt are given to them from the outset. The kind of amounts that could destroy them and their families. I’ve given a VERY spoiler-free shout-out to it before. (And dont worry. I’m not gonna spoil either of these anime/manga/light novels beyond their setup details.)

The rest of the jist is that it soon becomes clear that the game is rigged towards making them all lose, and Yuuchi? He’s not going to let his friends destroy their lives. But he’s not going to let whoever’s behind the scheme get away with it, either. He wants justice.

A face you can trust. Clearly.

So, although Yuuchi starts off seeming pretty wholesome, once the titular game gets underway and shit begins to get real, he is soon looking a lot more... unhinged. He starts using his intelligence to manipulate everybody around him in such a manner that will lead to exposing more and more information about the game and its mastermind. Yuuchi is willing to act like an absolute maniac if that’s what he thinks the people in charge will want and need to see. He’ll embrace the role of villain externally, but at the same time, he’s working to keep his friends from suffering for their involvement — that is, provided their involvement is innocent. In the course of his actions, he appears to be manipulating all of his friends at times. And sometimes, it’s true. But even that manipulative appearance might be a maneuver in itself in certain cases — cases where, in reality, he’s being totally being upfront and honest with some of them while fronting for other people’s sake. 

It can sometimes be hard to figure out when he’s legitimately winning a game and when he’s legitimately losing one, because he just fronts so goddamn well. He’s easily one of the smartest characters I’ve seen in an anime — I’ve seen one YouTuber compare Yuuchi to the likes of Lelouch from Code Geass or Light from Death Note. And who doesn’t enjoy watching these sorts of master manipulators? .... Especially when they get to unload on people who’re much, much shittier. Having to act like a douchebag to other decent people? That may be necessary at times, but it kinda sucks. The complete jackasses though? Those are always the highlights.

Sure, he’s probably not gonna do it, but I mean... he’d be pretty justified if he did.

Even as things get tougher/darker for Yuuchi and he questions his own morality, starting to think that he really is a bad person at heart... the audience at home never has much reason to doubt his goodness. Even when he reveals some dark secret about his past, it inevitably seems to lead into a context that is actually NBD. And even when some of his friends seem to turn against him, he’s quick to forgive and bring them back under his protection — which they readily embrace. The result is surprisingly heartwarming.

Aw, see? He’s just an innocent lil’ fluffhead.

It just takes a little bit of honest communication to make his manipulative “villainy” into twisted teamwork. And sure, he stumbles a little bit — at one point he’s mean to one of his friends just because he wants to drive her away from him so she’ll be safe. But that same damn night, he rushes to be there for her and makes it all up to her. So even when he’s legit acting like an asshole, he can recover from those events pretty quick. Just because he’s playing 4D chess and acting like a psycho for external observers doesn’t mean he’s being a selfish dick about it for those who matter to him, and I love that.

I might love Leon Fou Bartfort even more, though — it’s hard for me to say. I just *might*.

Claims to hate “hot guys.” Is actually kinda hot though?

Leon’s the protagonist of Trapped in a Dating Sim: The World of Otome Games Is Tough for Mobs. YEAH, it’s one of those overlong titles that tells you “Oh, this is based on a series of light novels.” And it’s even a dreaded isekai story.

Historically, I don’t care for isekais much. Not only are they WAY overdone these days (and even when I write it in all caps and/or bold it, “WAY overdone” feels inadequate to explain just how fucking much isekai is out there currently), but I’ve found precious few of them do much with the conceit that feels unique. I do think Konosuba is pretty funny overall (though it has its obvious downfalls), and I adore the reverse-isekai The Devil is a Part-Timer! But in truth, I think I got more deeply invested in TiaDS than either one of those. This damn thing is something special.

The setup: Leon finds himself reborn in an otome game in which the matriarchical society allows noblewomen to attend an academy in their young adult years. Said academy is ostensibly about academics and etiquette, but it’s really about the men trying to impress the women that they’d make good husbands. Leon’s sister made him play this otome game to completion back in our world, and now, Leon hopes to use his knowledge of the game’s world and events to avoid any danger or drama. Initially, that seems like it’ll be easy because he’s just a background NPC of lower birth. But naturally, he soon finds that he’s going to face a horrible fate if he doesn’t achieve some level of nobility that will get him out of his predicament. And when he swiftly pulls THAT off, he’s forced to attend the same academy as all the game’s central characters. So once again, he tries to stay away from them and avoid their problems. And once again, he predictably cannot leave well enough alone. Both his moral code and his extreme irritation with the school’s highest nobility make him unable to stand aside and let things play out. That’s when he realizes that if he wants to both monitor what events are coming/what “route” the game is on AND also give some comeuppance to those who treat others as “lesser,” he needs to embrace acting like a douchebag. He must vilify himself to become the hero this world deserves. 

“Do you ever wonder why there are so many treasure chests throughout these dungeons? Like: Who put them there, and why?” “Nope. Sure haven’t.”

Leon is nowhere near as smart as Yuuchi, though. Even as he attempts to manipulate events through his behavior, his plans seem to backfire almost as often as they succeed. Sometimes he self-sabotages by acting impulsively. Leon is also probably a worse person than Yuuchi because he lacks Yuuchi’s self-doubt and self-awareness. It’s not too surprising when Leon starts to genuinely enjoy his cruelty on occasion, turning him into something of a “toxic gamer” type who verbally abuses others as he takes them out. (Yes, this supposed otome game has combat in it. Combat with mechs, even. Go figure.) But honestly, if gloating over people he beats in combat is his biggest sin? I think we can handle that. .... Though it is pretty rude, tbh.

Even with that character flaw, however? Leon waffles on his ability to fully play the villain role he’s assigned himself. Yuuchi is much more dedicated; Leon can’t help but make moves behind the scenes to help his enemies out so they don’t suffer overmuch for his actions. Even when he’s in the midst of a fight for his life, he refuses to kill anybody — something which his A.I. companion notes could definitely come back to bite him in the future.

That’s right, Leon has an A.I. companion: Luxion! Luxion was once housed within a robot that attempted to kill Leon. After a simple bit of reprogramming and a transition to a far less intimidating body, he now serves Leon with politeness that only barely masks his grumpiness and loathing. Their back-and-forth is really funny, and it’s cool to see how they gradually come to like each other at least a little more with time. 

Leon gives Luxion the privilege of naming his mech suit.

Even better, though, is Leon’s personal growth as he learns things about himself and how to treat others by comparing his behavior to that of the people around him. You see other characters in this world who first appear one-note come to show FAR more nuance, too. 

Plus, as I’ve said before, the English dub for this show is just insanely fucking good. Top-tier.

As much as I think Leon is great? I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how cool Angelica is, too. By the end of the season, she was my second-favorite character. Angelica is the otome game’s ostensible villain — the girl who has it out for the protagonist and tries to prevent her from getting with any of the various pretty-boy nobles. She is also, like many of the characters in this show, deeper than she appears on the surface. Viewing the scenario from a different angle gives Leon a new perspective on her whole deal. The same goes for us viewers, presumably.

“Evil” is in the eye of the beholder, my guy.

But let’s get down to business (to defeat the huns): You might be inclined to wonder why I love these guys but despise Kokichi Ouma. After all, isn’t Kokichi ALSO publicly playing the part of the villain in order to draw out a mastermind and end a game — which sounds just like Yuuchi, who I claim to love?

To some of you, I bet the difference is already obvious.

Yuuchi and Leon are both keeping people in the loop on what they’re doing, and they avoid unnecessary cruelty (plus they try to make up for it with quieter acts of kindness). Yuuchi does try to do the “convince his friends that he’s evil” thing a couple of times, but he swiftly backs down on it in less than 24 hours. Because as soon as they need someone, he can’t help but be there to stand up for them. And Leon? Leon never tries to push his friends away. His initial pals at the academy, Dan and Raymond? They are ALWAYS in the loop on his plans. HIs newest friends, Olivia and Angelica? Even though he just met them, he’s still constantly open with them about what’s going on and why he’s doing it. His performance is only for the people he doesn’t know at all or just doesn’t like. 

Part of the fun is in watching them maneuver other people by pretending to be evil and/or psychotic while simultaneously being good-hearted people who show obvious care for others. Yuuchi and Leon are never going to be relentlessly cruel to the people around them without swiftly making up for it, and they’re never going to withhold information that could save lives for personal amusement. That’s only Kokichi’s jam, see?

Be Warned, Though: Neither “Tomadachi Game” or “Trapped in a Dating Sim” are currently a complete story as an anime. Both animes end with the door wide open for future seasons. But if you wish to keep going, the option to explore the source material IS there. Tomadachi Game’s manga is widely available in English online, and the series of Trapped in a Dating Sim light novels even has an official English publication that will take you far beyond the limits of the show. I don’t believe either of those source materials has wrapped up, however. So at some point, you’ll have to hit that wall. 

Personally, I’m going to start digging into those light novels first.

[i-cant-sing]

I wonder what would happen if Y/N had a really bad day and just decided to pick a sibling from the Yan!Todoroki clan like a cat would pick its person and just?? Sit in their lap?? They'd say 'I had a terrible day, no torture today please' before taking their well-deserved nap lookin' all cute and peaceful. Then the sibling would be so proud and confused at the same time but really really happy like 'omg for real? Me? What's happening?? 🥺'. Bonus points if it's Dabi just having the widest grin on his face while staring straight at the rest of the fam seething with jealousy.

I saw your works btw and been inhalin em all cause they're all so good *chef's kiss*

-Vibin' anon

Yandere Dabi comforting sister reader

This is so cute omg. Thank u Vibin anon!

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

Yandere Dabi:

Shotou had come to pick you up from school today. Even though he had a busy schedule himself, he still made time for you, just like the rest if your family.

"How was school?" He asked.

"Fine."

"Just fine? Wasn't your result supposed to come today?"

You nodded. "It did. I passed."

Shotoy smiled. "Thats great. Did you get your report card?"

You knew he was going to ask for it. You also knew that he already knew what grades you got.

You nodded and handed him the report card from your bag.

Shotou's face lit up when he saw your grades.

"You're first again. I'm so proud of you." He patted your head.

You smiled. "Thanks."

By the time you guys reached home, you already knew that your entire family was home. They always were when your result came. You knew the principal had already informed Enji of your grades, she always does.

When you entered the house, your family yelled "surprise!" You feigned shock as they hugged you and congratulated you on your achievement.

Rei had prepared a little feast for you, everything was made from scratch. Enji was beaming with joy, he was so proud of his little girl. Rei had made your favourite cake, kissing your cheek as you cut it. Enji had gotten you beautiful diamond necklace. Natsuo, Shotou and Fuyumi had gotten you some gifts as well, stuff you had vaguely mentioned about. Dabi wasn't home, but you didn't mind his absence.

Your family had planned to spend the night on the couch cuddling and doing a movie marathon, but when you asked them to excuse you for the night because you were feeling tired, they became a but worried. You reassured them that you just had a long day at school as well, and now that you were stuffed with Rei's delicious food, sleep was inevitable. They nodded, a bit sad that you wouldn't be joining, but understanding nonetheless.

You went up the stairs to your room, and as soon as you closed the door, the smile you had been displaying all night was wiped off.

You sat on your bed and recalled the events of the day. Tears pricked your eyes, but you kept yourself quiet. They're not worthy crying over, you reminded yourself. Still, you couldn't help but crumple up your report card and throw it in the dustbin.

Silent tears fell from your eyes, no longer being able to hold them in. God, its infuriating.

Suddenly, you heard someone knock on your bedroom door. You looked at the clock. 12 am.

Its Dabi.

You couldn't deal with him tonight. You remained silent, hoping he'd leave you alone.

But of course not.

You quickly turned away from the door as soon as you heard it open. Wiping your tears quickly, you heard Dabi come in.

"You brat. Why didn't you answer when I knocked?" He asked, pushing the door close with his foot.

"Leave me alone, Dabi." You were trying hard to stabilise your voice.

"Huh?! Is that anyway to talk to your favourite brother?" Dabi mocked as he pulled at your ponytail. You yelped before turning around to push him away.

Dabi was about to laugh at you when he suddenly noticed the your face. Your eyes were full of tears, lashes heavy with them. Your face was flush, your nostrils flared, your lips in a pulled in a tight scowl. Had you been crying? Or did he make you cry?

"Hey, I'm sorry-"

"Just leave me alone." You said as you angrily wiped the tears from your face.

Dabi was shocked to see you like this. He had never seen you cry, not even when he took his teasing a little too far. So, to see you react like this, it worried him a bit.

"Have you been crying? What's the matter? Did you fail or something?" His voice actually held some concern.

You shook your head, pulling your ponytail loose. "Its nothing. Just leave."

Dabi could see the pain in your eyes. What happened? He plopped down on your bed next to you. "Come on. Tell me." He poked your shoulder. "You know I won't leave until you tell me."

"Its nothing, really." You sniffled, avoiding his gaze.

"Did Enji say something?" Dabi asked, his voice taking a dangerous tone. "Look at me. Did he do something?" He's going to kill that bastard if he-

"What? No. God, just go."

Dabi let out a huff. He'll have to use another strategy. "Fine. Don't tell me. I'll just tell Shotou you have been crying, and then you can answer to him."

Shotou? God, he would just overthink everything and do something stupid.

You caught his wrist just as he was about to leave. "Do you have to be such a jerk every single day?" You glared daggers at him.

Dabi smirked before pulling his wrist away and plopping on the bed next to you. "Yes. Big brother privileges." He poked your cheek. "Now spill."

You looked at him, hoping he'd just get blasted magically. Idiot.

You inhaled deeply before closing your eyes. "Its stupid, really." Dabi stared at you, signalling for you to continue. "Something... happened at school." You paused. "Just a couple of assholes."

Dabi was attentive now. "Go on."

You looked down at your lap, playing with your fingers. "Some kids in my class... they said mean things about me."

"Bullying?" Dabi quirked an eyebrow.

You shook your head. "I- I don't think so. They just said that I only get the highest grade in class because of my dad. Like Enji bribes the school into giving me good marks." You sniffled. "They undermine me. They say I'm not good enough to be in their school, and that the only reason I got in was because of my surname."

Tears dripped down your face slowly, almost as if they were ashamed to fall.

You wiped them away harshly. "And it doesn't matter what I say. I've tried to befriend them, I've tried to get along with them, but they still ridicule me. Its frustrating. They... they don't understand that my only option is to be the best." You whispered the last part, but Dabi heard you loud and clear.

He sat up and gently gripped your chin, turning your face towards him as he narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean 'its your only option'?"

You rolled your eyes. "You know what I mean. I know that no one in the family cares if I get the highest marks or not but...I still have to live up to the family name. What will people say if the number 1 hero's kid is both quirkless and dumb?" Your lips wobbled.

Oh. Ohhhh.

You don't want to let down the Todoroki name; you don't want to let down Enji.

He already knew it was that shithead's fault.

Dabi sighed before pulling you close to him. Placing an arm around your shoulders while his other hand wiped your tears away.

Wanting to prove your worth, that you're a valuable asset to the family. Dabi never thought he'd see himself in you, or his younger self really.

"You're an idiot." Dabi began, carding his fingers through your hair. "You don't have to be the best. You're not expected to. You know, the family knows, hell even I know how hard you worked to get in that school. I've seen how you'd do all nighters, how many times you've turned down going out so that you could do well in your exams. But you don't have to do that." He tilted your chin up, staring into your glossy eyes. "We don't care what the public thinks of us. We won't care if you fail. We don't care you're quirkless. You're not expected to be anything but a good girl." He squished your cheeks together, making you look like a fish. "You just need to be safe. Do you understand?"

You sniffled as you nodded. "Yes. Thank you."

Dabi smiled. "Why didn't you tell anyone before?" You shrugged in response. "You know what would've happened if I said anything. They're already hesitant to let me go to school, this would just give them another reason to homeschool me. Besides, I didn't let their words get to me before, so it really wasn't a big deal." Before? You were about to continue but then kept your mouth shut. But Dabi saw that. He pulled you away from him, his eyes turning sharp as he raised his eyebrows. "But something else happened today as well?"

You averted his scrutinising gaze, keeping your lips sealed as you shook your head no. "Do not lie to me. Or I'll tell Shotou and Enji and then they can handle-"

Your eyes widened. "Do you ever stop making threats?" Rolling your eyes, you told him what happened. "It wasn't anything serious. One of those jerks... thought it'd be funny to try and kiss me. When he tried to force me, I slapped him. Really hard. My handprint still on his face." You smiled at that. "He said the only reason he wasn't using his quirk on me was because I was Todorokis charity case. Then he said that I should be grateful that he was going to kiss me, especially since no one cares about a quirkless, frigid bitch like me." You let out a humourless laugh, but Dabi could see the pain in your eyes. You gave a small smile. "Dont worry. I already know what they said isn't true."

Thats it.

Dabi was already planning murder. He's going to make those little shits pay for what they did to you. The nerve to not only bully you, but make you cry, and then touch you? Dabi is gonna make sure they get tortured in every way possible before he incinerates them-

"Dabi?"

Your soft voice pulled him out of his violent thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"Can you... stay the night?"

He looked at your tear stricken face, your eyes were still laden with tear drops, your nose red from all the sniffling.

How could he say no to you? You looked ugly.

"Its okay. You don't have to-" you were cut off by a pillow hitting your face.

"Move over, brat." He climbed in the bed with you, covering you both with the blanket. "And don't put your cold feet on mine." You smiled cheekily at that.

"Don't hog the blanket- why do you need it anyway?"you yanked the blanket.

Dabi pushed another pillow on your face, laughing as you punched his shoulder. "You're insufferable."you mumbled.

It took a while to get comfortable on your single bed, but it ended up with your head on his chest, while Dabi propped himself against the headboard.

"Thank you." You whispered.

Dabi hummed. "Dont think I don't know why you're doing this."

You smiled softly. He caught on to why you were keeping him home that night; you knew he would do something terrible to those guys. "Promise me you won't hurt them?"

Dabi remained silent. You pulled your head away to look up at him. "Dabi. Promise."

When he didn't reply, tears started forming your eyes. He sighed, before shoving your face back into his chest. "Fine, crybaby. I won't hurt them. Promise." You're such a brat, stopping him from doing his big brother duties.

You went back to snuggling him, not taking long for you to finally go to sleep. Once Dabi made sure you were asleep, he pulled out his phone and texted Toga.

"Need a favour. Up 4 stabbing?"

[willowser]

willow! happy sunday! ahh so i spent my morning curled up in bed reading pt1 & 2 of ‘southern charm’! and oh my goodness. cowboy bakugou…we all needed this in our life.

i have kind of come off a binge of the show ‘yellowstone’ (cowboy show lol)— which funny enough, i was telling my friend as i binged id never thought cowboys were hotter till that show..but now; i think it has been topped with ‘southern charm’ 😆!

i think the entire setting suits bakugou’s personality so well! in pt1 i really feel like reader was living out a fantasy we all have been guilty of — like hot guy in a bar eyeing you up. and also i think the breakup is a one sided love, sadly loads of us know. so just felt so easy to slip into reader’s mindset (at least for me!). side note: chisaki for the role of germaphobe-cold-ex(?)-bf is so perfect. he isn’t someone i see featured in a lot of fics and so it was a lovely surprise to me and it suits the story so well!

okay so back to thirsting over bakugou — i loved how the entire night he was making sure reader was ‘good’ and re-assuring and calming…and just kept helping reader get out of their own head! and then when he loses his composure for a second finally when he goes to get the condom…i was so into this moment lol. seeing his cool exterior break for a second ahhhh!

so then pt2! ahh i just felt that ‘snap’ happen as he gives reader the “well…i got things to do…” bit, and i know at least a few times in my life i have so badly wanted to let it all out like that. to just stomp away with all that rage, and have the confidence to do it. but its just quick explosion of feelings, because once all that anger is burned through, and the adrenaline gone…the inevitable break down that hits. so for reader to make it all the way to their sister’s house and finally crumble under the weight of all the emotions…it was so incredibly well written & we could feel it.

ah so last note — as i feel like i could ramble on forever whenever i stop by someone’s inbox: i love kirishima and yume’s family, and how i dont think the reader is “jealous” of yume for having this life, but def has a tug of longing while flipping thru all those photos? maybe something like that.. esp coming off the breakup…i am so excited to see where the story will continue but absolutely love all the build up so far! will be lovely to see how everything comes together! i know you had a stressful time getting part 2 out but it was so worth it and all your hard work really shows. thank you for sharing it with us!

so wait — last last note: the snippets of what i am assuming are reader’s story they are working on (?), add another layer to the story as well! very interested in seeing how reader’s experiences are going to shape their own writing…(if i totally got this wrong pls ignore this 😶‍🌫️)

ok done rambling on — pls have a lovely lovely rest of your weekend! ♥️

rin 🥺 dear 🥺 i have been — saving this in my inbox to look back on, because it is so sweet and close to my heart and has been such a blessing to receive ! thank you so much for not only taking the time to read, but for sending this in !!

i'm actually so happy that you mentioned kiri's family ! i think you are the first to do so ! i am vicariously living through them. yume is me. bakugou who. i don't care about him, i just want cowboy kirishima and our lovely two children LOL but i am really glad that how reader-chan feels is coming across correctly, because you are absolutely right; it's not that she's really jealous of her sister, but she just wants to know what that feels like, too, that's all. and it's hard to watch someone get that over and over again, and for you not to receive a crumb ! so i'm really glad there isn't any hostility being read into the text there.

and yes ! the snippets of frances and the stranger in between are meant to be the book reader is working on, and i'm glad that it's clear those two interactions are being a little shaped by what's going on in reader's own life. i hope you enjoy what is to come between those two firecrackers !

again, thank you so much for leaving me such a wonderful message ! it really was hell getting this thing up LOL but to hear your appreciation and receive your praise makes it all worth it, in the end 🌸✨💐🌙

[h2bakugou]

Hey! i just wanted to say that i love your writing. So this may be a little complicated if thats okay but i had cancer when i was younger and i would like to see if you could write about kirishima and bakugo (separately) crush being hit by a quirk that makes them younger again or something like that and them seeing their crush in a horrible state like they cant walk anymore . IM SORRY if this is complicated you dont have to do bakugo if its too much.

a/n: hi! tysm <3!! of course, i hope you're doing well hun !! if there's anything you need me to change/edit within this please let me know!!

headcanon: them reacting to their s/o being hit by a quirk that makes them the age when they were sick

key: (y/n) - your name / (f/n) - first name / (l/n) - last name / (e/c) - eye color / (h/c) - hair color / (y/q) - your quirk

warnings: fluff, swearing, angst

;cut for length;

»»————-　★　————-««

katsuki bakugou

»»————-　★　————-««

It’s been a tough day on the field, especially with a villain attack appearing from seemingly nowhere. It’s caused a mess, and everyone’s on edge.

Most noticeable though is Bakugou. You’re fighting one on one with this villain and he doesn’t doubt your abilities by any means, but you’re worn down and tired, your movements are slower, you’re starting to reach your limit.

And all it takes is one hit from this nameless villain’s quirk and you’re down for the count.

Bakugou’s tired of fending off goons and dashes over to you, taking down the villain to the best of his ability.

But what he doesn’t expect is when he turns back to you, instead of seeing you, he sees the pile of your clothes covering a much smaller version of you.

You’ve shrunk?

No, you’ve gotten younger. 

Just barely lifting your head, you start to cough. 

“Shit, hey get someone over here!” Bakugou shouts to one of the other students, hoping an adult could rush over and try and help-not that he needed it, but he was worried.

It wasn’t long before another pro hero was wrapping your younger self up in your clothes.

If Bakugou had to guess, he’d say you were around five to eight years old.

You sat in a hospital bed for a few hours before Aizawa finally arrived, noticeably worried about the state you were in. You didn’t even remember the people standing around you.

“They’re in critical condition. If this age regression quirk has sent their body back in time, we’re going to be in a bit of hurry to get them back to their normal state. They’ve had a history of medical concerns.”

Bakugou has to step out of the room, supported by Kirishima and Kaminari as he tries not to seem like he’s heavily affected by the state your in.

“They’re going to be fine, if it’s just some sort of temporary affect, they’ll be back to their healthy old self soon!” Kaminari tries to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t seem to help.

When you’re released from the hospital to return back to campus, you’re placed under surveillance.

You’re much younger now, and you can barely walk, it’s tearing everyone apart. All of your friends stop by whenever they can, trying to see if you remember them which usually never works.

Bakugou stops by often as well, normally at night when no one else comes around.

He talks about little things like All Might and always brings in his little toy figurines that he’d swore he’d never show anyone.

You laugh and smile, waving them around making all sorts of noises all while ignoring the fact that Bakugou is nearly in tears at the sight of you.

The effects last two weeks. It’s the longest two weeks of everyone’s lives, most importantly Bakugou’s.

When you wake up and see Bakugou sound asleep beside you, his head laying on the medical bed you’d been sleeping in for the past two weeks, you’re confused.

“Hey, Katsu’?” You ruffle his blonde hair and he’s up instantly.

He’s embracing you in the tightest hug known to man, surely putting All Might’s to shame.

Kissing you too, he can’t stop himself from holding you and mumbling about how worried he was about and how he’ll never let something like that happen to you again.

“I never dabbled in my past much, but I’m doing much better now, I’m sorry I gave you a scare.” You rub his cheek, wiping away a few rare tears that fall from his crimson eyes.

“I love you so fuckin’ much.” He utters, his lips pointing upward in a smile.

“I love you too.”

»»————-　★　————-««

eijiro kirishima

»»————-　★　————-««

The fight is surely rigged. There’s no way you’re going to win, not alone anyway. 

Kirishima is making his way to you as fast as he can, but when he gets to you it’s far too late.

You’re cowering before him, your costume baggy on your visibly smaller and weaker frame, tears pouring from your eyes as your body strains to stand upright.

The villain is gone, but not too far gone that they don’t get captured by patrolling pros on the scene.

Rushing you to the nearest hospital to undergo some sort of evaluation, all Kirishima can do in the meantime is wait alongside Kaminari, Mina, Sero, and even a slightly less angry Bakugou.

When the nurse returns to explain your situation, Kirishima is mortified.

Refusing to leave your side until he’s forced to by Mina to take care of himself because it’s what you’d tell him to do, all he can do is wait and hope that you’ll get better.

You can’t walk without having someone help you, and the worst part is, you don’t even recognize him.

Kaminari takes the role of making you smile and laugh while Kirishima adds throws in random memories turned into stories hoping it’ll jog some part of your memory connected to how old you actually are.

But nothing seems to work and all you can do is sit in wonder as he tells you about how present-pre age regression quirk you is really super awesome.

After being scolded by Mina on day one, Kirishima manages to take care of himself, but he spends most if not all of his free time with you. 

In a way it’s domestic, imagining the possible inevitability of raising a family with you, you’d always jokingly said he was great with kids.

Taking care of you is nice, he enjoys doing it now, buying you little gifts, helping you get something off a high shelf or just being a gentleman for you.

Holding the door for you, carrying your bags even when you yell at him not to and he swears a part of you has been inspired by Bakugou.

After the first week, he begins to get settled in, thinking if this is going to last a while, he wants to help however he can.

Aizawa ushers him to pay attention to studies and that you’re strong enough to power through this, and he understands, he believes wholeheartedly you are.

But part of him is sort of upset. He’d never known that you used to be like this. He hoped when it was all over you could explain.

And sure enough, after two weeks, you wake up, as if those two weeks had never happened.

You don’t seem to have much recollection of the two weeks, only a few hours on the last day seem to make it through to you.

Kirishima greets you with a hug and thousands of kisses.

He doesn’t let you go for hours, weeping into your embrace as he begs you to never scare him like that again.

You console him all while telling him about your past and the history of your medical condition and he understands. He’s thankful you’re where you are now, and he’s so happy to see back to your normal self again after those two weeks.

“I stayed with you as much as you could.” Kirishima whispers, kissing your cheek. Kaminari lifts his head up and starts laughing.

“Yeah, he was so worried about you. You’ve got yourself a keeper.” He jokes, making Kirishima’s cheeks match shades with his hair.

“I love you.” You mumble against his skin, hugging him tightly.

“I love you too.”

»»————-　★　————-««

masterlist

[makiema]

finally finished writing about how much stormbringer enhances the skk dynamic which was at a nascent stage in Fifteen and anticipates the developments which happen later and culminate in Dead Apple where the faith they have in each other is absolutely remarkable! the fact that i said i’d do this in a few hours yesterday but it took me like 24 hrs to finish i have an attention span of a whole 2 minutes 💀

my favorite thing about stormbringer is that it actually builds up on the concepts/themes introduced in Fifteen so it's a glimpse into what has changed in dazai and dazai & dhuuya after one year of being together. As much as it's about chuuya confronting his past and his identity this is also about dazai’s development from who he was in fifteen. chuuya and rimbaud both left their marks on dazai and in Stormbringer we see him, actually trying to emulate or follow in a sense a way of life, that chuuya and rimbaud represented. Stormbringer is not just about chuuya, abt his test of humanity, or he coming in terms with who or what he is. it's about dazai too. it's about dazai developing or at least attempting to develop what he calls “boyish”/ “ordinary” in Fifteen. its not about chuya having an identity crisis. in fact what we understand from Code 04's last section is that chuuya never considered it as his crisis and neither did dazai. so to dazai “saving chuuya is important, human or not doesn't matter” and when dazai gives chuuya time to think abt what the operation will cost him chuuya doesnt so much as flinch form his purpose. This goes on to show unlike verlaine he doesnt care about memory and certainly doesnt consider it as the only determinant of someone being human. He cares more abt yokohama and his friends and in that, in caring abt his “family”, he is just as human as the next person. whether he’s factually human or not comes secondary to his desire to save people. This is a message that the quality of being human has more to do with embodying human qualities or humanity than having memories and lineage. so yeah stormbringer is essentially about embracing humanity but this happens on 2 levels: both chuuya and dazai embrace humanity. Going back to the boyish or ordinary bit, im talking abt this segment:

here dazai is shocked because he assumed everyone “gangsta” and everyone crazy powerful delighted in homicide, in deliberately indulging in the macabre. but he is proved wrong. He logically concluded that anyone with power more than average and belonging to the underground would kill people and delight in that because it’s a given they lack any kind of moral understanding. To that end, they’d be exalted at the prospect of relentlessly shooting a dead body, mutilating it and dishonoring it. The mafia code (any general mafia code) works in a way where honor and death goes hand in hand. So only the lowest of the low would do that to a dying person, who even when faced with certain death is loyal to his own organisation. This really shows that even within the mafia dazai is the only person whos like the devil incarnate. So yeah dazai at this sate far lower than even a mafia member. But chuuya who actually embodiess the mafia code and is incredibly loyal to his organisation and “family” [ putting family in quotes bc he himself calls his friends family 🥺] ofc kicks the gun away. From dazai’s pov chuuya being as insanely powerful as he is should also do the same. But chuuya comes along and suggests that even enemies should be shown respect where it’s due. And that is what an ordinary person, oblivious to mafia life (mafia life as in waht dazai makes of it) thinks. So in undermining the binary between “ordinary” and “mafia” chuuya proves that being mafia doesnt necessarily mean selling your soul to the devil and giving up the last smidge of humanity. In fact by embodying qualities like compassion and kindness and mutual respect, you can make the mafia a better place for yourself and for the other members. Now in Stormbringer, we see how this affected dazai. here dazai is introduced as someone mercilessly killing to set up the channel. 

Now to expand the channel one would need to keep doing it right? To mercilessly kill ppl and stuff but instead what he does is hand the channel over to chuuya bc he knows chuuya wouldnt handle it like him. im not suggesting that dazai miraculously becomes v good or anything with dazai the key words is “try” or “to some extent” like in Fifteen when Chuuya asks “do u wanna live” he’s like “ not to that extent”. similarly its not to say he doesnt kill people anymore. it is that he tries to lessen the number of casualties by handing over one of the most troublesome channels to chuuya who would manage it in a much more humane way. That dazai draws from his friends/at least tries to is smth we’ll see again later on when he deals with akutagawa. He talks about odasaku and ofc its baffling to him that a mafia member as powerful as him would be taking acre of orphans. and dazai says but he cant afford to be that kind and proceeds to shoot akutagswa but again does so in a calculated way such that he doesnt end up killing him ( im NOT justifying dazai’s abuse not at all im just saying that its hard to believe he coincidentally knew the exact no of bullets that aku could block. and had odasaku’s words and his way of life not been in the back of his mind he could’ve ended up killing aku) coming back to chuuya and dazai we also see him avoiding further conversation on the jewelry channel thing as he says “leave that for now”. He does a similar thing again when mori brings up the concept of double suiciding with chuuya.

 Its a HUGE thing for him to digest that him suiciding would inevitably spell the doom for chuuya. this puts an unimaginable responsibility on him. And he avoids further discussion on this. Now we know dazai is the rambly type. Even in the most dire moments he goe son with his LOONG monologues so really he is the last person who’d avoid a conversation but he deliberately does it in these 2 instances because its hard for him to grasp these things. That he can go against his nature and do a conscientious thing by handing over one of the most grisly channels to chuuya (i dont think dazai’s nature is evil. Or even if it is, its a a social construct keeping in mind the war ravaged times or its mori’s construct because he does exploit dazai to the hilt. but dazai ofc thinks of himself as non-human, devious. perfectly devilish...etc.) And also the fact that someone as suicidal as him is actually responsible for the life of someone else is really too much to take in. a whole 10 seconds pause indicates just how much he was thrown off when mori opened his eyes to the reality of things: if he dies, chuuya inexorably dies as a consequence. also i dont think the “wow” here or the next bit :

is something jokey. if it was like haha double suicide with chuuya is the worst haha wanna do it w pretty lady kind of a deal. that pause would have been unnecessary. dazai’s immediate reaction would’ve been whining and shit. the use of “froze” too implies the gravity of the situation. so ofc what is “wow” is how much meaning his life has for someone else. and for some so much....better than him. and what is unacceptable is this sad, sad truth that his life (to which he ascribes no value) would be so inextricably linked with someone else’s and hold so much meaning to them. it is like when a suicidal person at the brink of suicide understanding his life is not his own. his life and death holds consequences for ppl surrounding him. so both of these are huge things to grasp and at both these times dazai is visibly shaken up so much so that he doesnt want to do his favorite thing- ramble in a condescending tone. smth he does in so many instances. this really is a testimony to the fact that things are changing in him. the redemption process has begun. he’s no longer the kind of maniac he was before he encountered chuuya. when zuko underwent his transition in atla he was so shaken up after one (1) right decision he had a fever. i think this is true for anyone who’s trying to change. change is after all a huge thing for everyone. ofc he’ll be unsettled. so anyways this is proof that he has indeed come a long way from being someone who revelled at the prospect of meaningless bloodshed.

now coming to the concept of love he assumes he’d get sick of love and die:

and that death is the singular goal worth chasing after because it makes you feel more alive/get a fuller picture of what living entails. but here he is erring by supposing love is something that’ll bore him/have no meaning. and it cant provide him that “something” he’s looking for. at this point he hasn’t loved so he doesnt know whether he’ll be sick of it or if it'll have no impact. And yet he’s morose and regretful. this is a kind of self-imposed constraint hes putting on himself. he cancels out the v idea of love because hes convinced it isnt worth it. he hasnt even been in love okay scratch being in love that sounds romantic and i really dont mean love in a romantic sense here...its just love. in general. any form is cool. anyway so dazai is not familiar with any kind of love. He is entirely alien to the concept. he doesnt even know what a friend/partner is so he doesnt know what love is. this is cleared out here when rimbaud confesses he did everything for paul and dazai is unconvinced:

chuuya ofc admonishes him and shuts him up for good, he says dazai has no right lookind down upon smth he doesnt understand. he doesnt understand friendship, love. or loyalty. or how important those feelings are at this point. now this situation is turned on its head in stormbringer. but before we go into that let’s look at the message rimbaud had for both of them. ik he specifically asks for chuuya to “live” but there’s purpose behind including both of them in the frame. it’s a message they should both take to heart. and at the end of it its implied both are changed after hearing it:

and in this message the first bit is for chuuya. what he says is basically memory doesn’t make u human... ”you are you” just a frame or not doesnt matter. and even if hes just a frame, he is still beautiful. beauty actually is a v important concept in literature starting right from Plato to Shakespeare. i’d not bring this here but because bsd is so deeply rooted in literature i feel like the reference to beauty, and later on to soul and even warmth and also the universal tone of this message carries some meaning. so the thing is  both Plato and Shakespeare were endorsed the idea of love as a force awakened in the world by beauty which then leads the soul to perfection. so humans and by extension, all life are beautiful frames that can inspire love. this concept is also there in Romantic poetry like Keats and Wordsworth all of them talked about loving beauty in nature and how that can elevate the body mind and soul. so essentially in telling this to chuuya what ehe basically means is that chuuya just by being him, by being a beautiful framework can inspire love and warmth in others and thats a great purpose! how much chuuya understands of this purpose with his one (1) braincell and his low self esteem is questionable but he gets some sense of belonging. now this is a two way relationship so ofc dazai has to be factored in. he comes in the next part: 

these are from 2 different translation so the disparity im sorry ;-; but anyway,  this last part abt the world being a cold place. then paul. then “warmth” is a message to dazai who’s been introduced to us as cold-hearted and having like no bearings of a human being. this is the reason why its important for both o f them to be there. now going back to chuuya being a beautiful framework, the framework can be beautiful in so far as its beauty is appreciate by someone and inspires warmth and love in someone. this again is the whole beauty/beholder nature/the romantic concept that is there in shakespeare and in Romantic poetry where both are a part of a codependent relationship. so what rimbaud implies here is that dazai can have that kind of a relationship with another person (chuuya) just like rimbaud had with paul which makes him warm and the world doesnt feel cold anymore. rimbaud has no regrets about what he did because. so the idea is that dazai and chuuya can share the same dynamic. also after this, the narrative says that their hearts are now changed and wont return to what they were before....and even their souls are refined in a way. but in Fifteen we dont have a concrete proof of how this happened bc the novel ends at this point. Instead, Stormbringer shows exactly how deep the impact of those words is: 

this is the third instance of dazai showing hesitation and once again this has to do with chuuya. the seed of the dynamic that rimbaud was talking about  is already germinating in him. his reactions, his fidgeting, his hesitancy, in response to chuuya’s situation is such a big contrast to his cocksure self when he’s conversing with adam and verlaine. after this of course we have: 

not only does he clearly express his concern but he gives chuuya 2 whole mins to make a decision and based on that he’s prepared to overturn the operation. the success rate of an alternative plan will ofc be lesser than the og one but that doesnt faze dazai. he’s ready to turn the tide for chuuya’s sake and if this is not development idk what is. just a year ago, he was someone to whom the concept of rimbaud going thru all that trouble for his friend was a lost concept. ironically enough, now he finds himself doing something that is along the same lines. he puts chuuya above his mission. to him, chuuya is more important than getting a satisfactory result. another bit that i wanna talk abt is that one controversial section where dazai says he’ll save chuuya, human or not, and then the justification is: 

i think a lot of people got mad bc of this and honestly at first glance i was peeved too. as a chuuya stan some of the shit dazai has done so far did rub me the wrong way. i love skk obv but still those were moments that kind of left a bad taste in the mouth. i’ll discuss them later on bc stormbringer helps allay that feeling. coming back to the “i wanna see chuuya suffer” part firstly context is important. ofc someone like dazai cant be expected to be upfront about his feelings with ppl (or AI) he barely knows. so what be relays to adam, is only partly true and its actually a kind of a twist in concept. the things is, and this is  smth dazai knows all too well is that ppl suffer simply on account of being human. human suffering is brought on because humans, by virtue of being humans, feel. so when he says he’s willing to acknowledge chuuya as human despite what N and Verlaine said he’s already admitting that chuuya suffers. so there is really nothing “new” to see for him. he knows chuuya suffers already and he does too because they’re both humans trying to make it thru their messed up lives. also chuuya “ceasing to be human” is a p huge concern for him bc he himself is like that. just like with the suicide thing, it bothers dazai when someone else shares his situation/his fate like as long as his life is his own, he has no problem ending it whenever but the situation is complicated when someone else’s life span is determined by that decision. and similarly, as long as he is “no longer human” its not that much of an issue because he’s like resigned to a doomed fate but someone like chuuya ceasing to be human or worse yet never getting to know if hes human or not are pressing matters. so anyways what he actually means here is that in saving chuuya, he saves someone who suffers just like he does and in their case, even the cause of suffering boils down to a shared psychological conflict: what essentially constitutes being human and if im human or not. now this sharing of pain and suffering is the foundation of forming a connection with someone, which makes life a little better. here again, what rimaud imparted to dazai and chuuya is driven home. also dazai’s key anxiety is not finding meaning/anything. this “anything” can be assumed to be something that justifies life. so all his anxiety and frustration stems from the fact that there really is no discernible meaning to be found in the mechanism of life. so it is an empty pursuit because it is true that nothing can explain why feelings of pain and suffering are exponentially heavier than feelings of happiness or why after getting to experience one (1) free day we’re back to square one where life is grueling. these are questions that really dont have an answer so every time dazai like gazes into the abyss and says he didnt  find anything, he is not so much asking if he’ll ever find anything as swallowing the hard truth that there is nothing to be found, no singular entity exists that can magically justify everything. again drawing upon literature or philosophy more specifically, there’s a concept called Absurdism which says the only philosophical truth so to say is this that life is absurd and looking for meaning is futile. instead what we can do is accept that it is absurd and deal with it in the best way possible, by finding little sources and moments of happiness, and strewing them together so we feel somewhat content. even if it is just for a fleeting second. and this happiness/contentment amidst a wretched life (altho temporal) can be found in friendship, in sharing, and even in having fun with people you’re comfortable with! this is actually why dazai wants to save chuuya and now it may seem like im interpreting his words through the shipping lens but thats not so and it can be corroborated by looking into dazai’s words to odasaku. after chuuya, dazai’s next attempt at friendship was odasaku who he found “interesting”. now when odasaku sort of like threw hands and chose death over having to live a life without the orphans, dazai tried to stop him not by saying stuff like life is good. and things will def change for the better. but instead he admits that living is hard and the sense of void is ubiquitous and yet he doesnt want him to  up and die because then he would be sad. because the little comfort that he got from odasaku and something he probably assumed odasaku also got from him would be gone. [how much odasaku considered dazai a source of comfort remains unclear. in fact the reason odasaku gave up and died was because he did not have this. this feeling of sharing in someone else’s suffering and seeking comfort in friends in the real world. instead he was too vested in his ideal world. his over reliance on an entirely idealistic concept is actually what pushed him over the edge. and this would have been the case for dazai too had he not encountered and sought comfort and companionship in chuuya and eventually in odasaku ] so this again goes on to show how rimbaud’s words changed dazai’s heart. and in a way dazai really has been doing this unconsciously form the v beginning like by teasing chuuya continually in Fifteen. you dont expect someone as cold as him to indulge in friendly bickering and taunting so often but he does. that there is significance and even happiness in that is something he learns over time, after rimbaud’s words to him. although these things seem futile on the surface they give a moment’s respite. so although chuuya spinning dazai on a rope in stormbringer might seem weird to everyone, they still serve a purpose:  

what shirase puts forward is particularly relevant here because neither dazai nor chuuya is fully aware of the extent of their feelings (or even what those feelings are like they dont know what label to put. so typical oblivious lovers) for each other or what they stand to gain just by driving each other nuts but there is something intangible but satisfying to be felt. a kind of contentment that helps him continue. one day at a time. there is no one great “thing” that can make him like wake up one day feeling like he doesnt want to die ever again. but again like i said before, the key word for dazai is “extent” so, these little things to some extent contribute to a sense of fulfilment which helps him keep death at bay. thats why he’s bent on saving chuuya bc he knows they can share in their suffering and make life better for each other. its not like he wants chuuya to suffer. chuuya will suffer nonetheless like every other human. but in suffering together there is something to be found so he doesnt want him to cease being human. 

this covers more or less the intertextuality between Stormbringer and Fifteen. i just wanna talk a bit more about a couple other moments in Stormbringer that i feel are p important because they put some things in the series in perspective and also made the dead apple moment 10x more emotional 🥺 one thing that really strikes me is the absolute fanon level of comfort that dazai and chuuya share in Strombringer. its like scenes form k-drama lol. 

so yeah this stuff. compare this with dazai’s reaction @atsushi when he drops im not saying that its not just a joke and that what im saying should be the right way to look at this contrast. its not like that at all. but what this does is give an estimate to the readers just how close and comfortable dazai feels when its chuuya. and this plus everything i rambling on abt for so long also gives us an estimate about the sincerity of dazais feelings. now 2 things always bothered me : the fact that dazai actually left chuuya and the fact that after the fight against lovecraft he actualy deserted him (this again can ofc be construed as just a humorous bit but still it did leave a bad taste in my mouth) dazai leaving the mafia is ofc something he had to do to fulfil oda’s dying wish but it still dint sit right with me that he would abandon chuuya. just like oda levaing is harder on dazai, dazai leaving is harder on chuuya. its always harder on the one left behind. so anyway, these sorts of things sometimes made me doubt dazai’s feelings but now that stormbringer clears it all up i do think there is a larger motif at work here. when mori offers dazai to come back to the mafia in s2 we see him saying that it was mori who kicked him out and that he did so because he was afraid dazai would usurp his position. so he set it up in a way that dazai would be forced to leave but on his own accord. now more than usurpation i believe what mori really did fear is that dazai had no allegiance to the mafia (which is actually true) bc he doesnt have that sense of loyalty and that to him his friends were more important than swearing allegiance to mori. (which again is true). so by getting oda killed, the message that mori seemed to be giving out was if dazai didnt leave he would do it again. and if we consider ango’s betrayal which had already transpired at that point, the one mori would next target to sort of get at dazai would inevitably be chuuya. this is only conjecture but still, i do believe this might as well be true because then it would explain why dazai didnt carry chuuya back to the base after their fight [something he was v comfortable doing in Stormbringer. in fact in the first case he carries chuuya back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so he could hear albatross’ last words 🥺] its because mori needs to know unlike dazai, chuuya is absolutely loyal to him which regrettably he is. it kinda becomes imperative therefore on part of dazai to make it seem that way to mori. that they really are at each others throats and that dazai is insignificant to chuuya. and that the mafia comes before dazai. (which is not true bc we see chuuya protecting his friend [shirase] while also staying loyal to the mafia in Stormbringer) 

mori also in his own way tries to provoke hostility b/w them like in Dead Dpple when he was all like yeah so dazai is the star and chuuya is merely bait. so it kinda makes sense if dazai left the mafia not only to like do good work but also to protect chuuya from mori. also the fact that chuuya did the same thing— left the Sheep and joined PM to protect Shirase from the mafia makes be believe that my speculation is plausible given all the parallels we find between dazai and chuuya. 

and the last bit is about the brilliant Dead Apple scene and how much added context it gets in light of Stormbringer. 

in this scene dazai first says: “you used Corruption believing in me?” and then the translation is “how beautiful” which is an okay translation but the exact thing dazai said was “nakasetekurerune” which literally is : youre gonna make me cry you know? now my knowledge of japanese is like duolingo level but i do know “nakasete” has to do with crying and “kureru” is used by the receiver to indicate he’s receiving a feeling/object from someone close. so basically chuuya trusting him is something so beautiful that it could almost move him to tears. now lets look at dazai’s intro in Stormbringer:

dazai, being dazai, ofc would be able to tell genuine trust from fealty out of fear so ofc the fact that chuuya has this kind of blind faith in him is overwhelming for him. also stormbringer really expands on the sight effects of Corruption in full detail. its so PAINFUL and to think that chuuya would jump into it right away for dazai’s sake.....no wonder he is so soft when deactivating him. and then he proceeds to flirt for a little bit with the Snow White and the kiss of life reference. but this flirting doesnt seem even a little out of place now. it doesn't feel like smth meaningless or smth that dazai is just saying as a joke. that there is absoluetly no subtext to making a statement like that. instead that kind of flirting feels like smth inspired from a deep, deep familiarity with someone who really shares his heart and soul. when he talks to chuuya abt the problem of not knowing whether he is human or not, it is a problem that is as central to him as it’s to chuuya. not feeling fully reconciled to a human identity is a problem thats fundamental to both of them. I don’t think familiarity gets any deeper than this where you share the exact same psychological problem. so its really wonderful how we can trace the skk development now: what starts out as a crush on part of dazai or not a crush exactly rather, a feeling of perplexed admiration because chuuya is breathtakingly beautiful inside out, eventually gain all these layers and develops into something meaningful where they have so much faith in each other and where they literally help each other live. knowing someone out there shares your exact issue so you’re really not alone in this is perhaps the greatest comfort in the world. also now its clear how both of them would have turned out had they not met each other and had they not taken in rimbaud’s advice. chuuya in his desire to learn about himself and frustration at not being able to do the same would have perhaps spiralled downward and ended up becoming like verlaine. he is his double here after all. and had dazai not seen chuuya up close being the wonderful person he is, he too would have probably ended up developing a god complex and becoming like fyodor. dazai is there to save chuuya literally from dying a monster and chuuya is there to remind him he too can try and mend his ways and embrace his human side. after all chuuya has so much trust him in! (despite him having questionable methods) for both of them, it starts out as an attempt to be more human, then establishing a fruitful partnership, and finally coming in terms with their feelings to some extent. for dazai, he’s comfortable enough to engage in occasional flirting at this point and for chuuya it’s playing along with dazai’s antics (well with the ones he get 💀 pretty boy has half a functional braincell) and openly showing his concern for him. so really by confirming their feelings what strombringer does is enhance the skk development in a way that Dead Apple doesnt seem like fan service anymore. the fact that dazai would casually flirt or be comfortable with chuuya landing on his crotch 💀 all that isnt as ridiculous as it first seemed because stormbringer lays the groundwork and anticipates all the intimate/flirty skk moments that have happened till now and ig will happen again soon.