#i dont like him very much. but really he is living my worst fucking nightmare. literally my irrational fears made real.

[confessions-official]

i feel awful. i have this best friend ive known for 3 years. to set the story up, he originally started talking to me bc he wanted to get with me but i immediatwly shut him down and told him im aroace (specifically because i only feel romantic attraction to fictional characters) and he was like "okay" so we were able to keep talking and we eventually became friends. for all these years, hes still had a crush on me but has usually been able to push it to the side to not get in the way of our friendship. recently, he told me about that and he asked "wanna see if things work out maybe?" and usually i wouldve said no but i hadnt been in a relationship for like 2-3 years and since i trusted him, i wouldnt mind trying again so i told him that id like to try but not to expect much and he was over the moon. i think i heard his heels clack from the other side of the globe 😭 anyways, during this relationship, he began making things for me. he made 60 reasons why he loves me, 2 letters, 4 drawings, and a silly presentation as to why he loves me. all within the span of 5 days. i was quite suprised and overwhelmed, i mean, what do i even say to that. since i selfship with fictional characters, im not usually used to getting things out of relationships per se. the worst part was, i wasnt really feeling anything with him even if i tried. not to mention how he began getting more clingy and begging for my attention. i was already pretty used to his clinginess, he has a horrible family while living in the middle east, the least i can do is be there for him, but it got a whole lot worse. he started panicking whenever i was gone even when i told him i was busy that day, he told me "never leave a person with bpd alone" and i was like "im trying not to but ive just been so busy these last few days" and even after all his nagging, i still cant be mad at him, hes a dear friend of mine, how could i? even after talking about how we were gonna get married and that he was very reliant on me for motivation and happiness. but yesterday he told me he started getting worried about this being one-sided and so i confessed that he was right, it was one-sided and his devotion to me wasnt something he was ever gonna get back. however, i would marry him for tax benefits and immigration papers, i still love him dearly as a friend, and i didnt want to hurt him further by lying to him about how i felt. he told me his world immediately crumbled. and he started telling me about how his nightmares get worse everyday, his disconnection with reality gets worse, and other stuff and i started feeling a bit weird. why was he being like this?? he has never been like this in my 3 years of knowing him. but then he also told me hes not getting married to someone who only loves him platonically and how he really saw a future where he could leave his country, and he finally had a will to live for the first time in years (even though i had told him that i was only dating him to see if i had any romantic feelings left in me and that he shouldnt expect much) and then it finally clicked. hes been so delusionally attatched to me and obsessed with me and i didnt even fucking know it. i mean of course, i still want to be friends with him but what the actual fuck. it feels weird. for the first time in 3 years, im a little bit disgusted with him. i dont know why it took me until after i broke up with him. im honestly unsure if i want to keep being friends with him. it scares me a little. im sorry for ranting, i just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[my-hybrid-moments]

bubble wrap - danny jones

a/n: i'm soooooo sorry for how long this took!!!

this was so sad to write but oml i LOVE it !! tysm for the request @sejanusxfan i hope its okay !!

i would just like to point out that bubble wrap hurts my fucking soul SO MUCH

but we <3 it

i also <3 lyric fics they're the most fun thing EVER i might do more if yall dont object 👀

as of now my requests are closed temporarily - i'll make a brief post on this soon to explain more!! i'm working on requests that have already been sent in however (all of them are coincidentally dougie poynter so get ready 🫡)

(yall also might be getting a harry judd fic bc i feel like writing one, my boy is criminally underrated ,, yall also might get a tom one so i can write for each of the boys at least once bc dougie is next on my list <3)

love yall !!

summary

danny jones break up angst (fem!unnamed character, referred to with she/her pronouns) featuring comfort from tom fletcher aka david walliams' worst nightmare 🫡 (harry and dougie also make a brief appearance)

warnings/things to consider

(attempted) angst, burning shit with fire,, also js consider the fact that this is very poorly written ,, i had a wicked wave of the flu the entire time i was writing this 😭

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

"I wish I could bubble wrap my heart"

if someone asked danny to guess what his girlfriend was doing before he stepped foot in the door, he wouldn't have got it right. he'd probably say she was taking a nap or something along those lines - he never would've said she was packing her bags.

but that was exactly what she was doing when he got home.

"In case I fall and break apart"

he entered their shared room, confused at the sight of his beloved putting her belongings in a suitcase laid out on their bed.

"what's all this, love?" he asked, unsure what she was doing.

she paused briefly, debating whether or not she could stomach it right now. but she ultimately knew that lying was out of the question by now. this was it.

"I'm not God, I can't change the stars"

she looked up from her things sprawled out everywhere and met his eyes, but the eyes danny was looking into weren't like the ones he knew. no, these were cold, numb eyes - not nearly the ones he'd gotten lost in a million times over, not those warm and inviting eyes he found a home in.

after a moment of silence, hoping he'd get it, she eventually spoke knowing she really did have to explain this.

"i can't, danny."

"you can't what? darling what's going on?" he was evidently putting the pieces together, but the picture he was creating was one he never wanted to see.

"i have to get out of here. out of this. out of us. we're no good, danny. it doesn't work. it's about time we acknowledged that." she spoke not quite in a whisper, but low enough to hear the intention she had.

"And I don't know if there's life on Mars"

danny stood in a shocked stance, not sure what was causing this. had he done something? had he not done something? why were you leaving him all of a sudden?

the contradiction of the two right now was palpable. while she wrapped her valuables in a protective bubble wrap, danny's heart had just been shattered as if it was common, as if it were replaceable, insignificant.

"what are you talking about? why are you doing this?" he said, shakily.

"i have to. i need to just get the fuck out of whatever's making my life a living hell."

danny was taken aback by this. he made your life a living hell? for the life of him he couldn't figure out where he went wrong to ruin your life so much. for a moment, the room fell silent.

"But I know you hurt the people that you love and those who care for you"

"what did i do wrong?" he asked in a quiet, defeated voice.

when she met his eyes again, she was practically unrecognisable. the smile he loved so much was replaced with a resting frown, the eyes he'd got so comfortable losing himself in... long gone. the woman he adored was right there, yet just out of reach.

"you didn't do anything. i just... we're not right together. you know that-"

"no, i don't know that. what i do know," he moved to hold her soft, familiar hands in his own, "is that i love you... i don't understand why you're doing this, why can't we just sit down and- and talk this over... whatever it is, we can fix it, i promise." his voice broke throughout, his emotion clear. "please."

"I want nothing to do with the things you're going through"

there was a pause, hope hanging in the air between them. hope that was soon torn away along with her hands when she took them from his grasp.

"i've made my mind up, danny. i'm staying with my sister until i find somewhere. we're over."

"This is the last time, I give up this heart of mine"

with those words, danny knew she was beyond convincing - but he couldn't let go. he couldn't wrap his head around it. this was it.

they would never share an embrace again, nor another loving, tender kiss. she wouldn't curl into his side for warmth in the night, she wouldn't wrap her arms around him with her chin resting atop his shoulder, she wouldn't take her place in his lap to kiss over his face, she wouldn't be his again.

"I'm telling you that I'm a broken man who's finally realised"

then he thought back to the last few weeks, how distant she'd been. how hadn't he noticed? kisses were short, embraces too. sex was non existent and god only knows the last time they'd went out for date night. he'd suggest it all the time, but she'd always be busy or cancel last minute for some work project or prior plans. he'd say there was no hard feelings, that they'd take a rain check, but deep down it stung. he wanted to love her but she wouldn't let him.

"You're standing in moonlight, but you're black on the inside"

she'd known for a while that they were over and until now danny was completely oblivious. but still he didn't know where he went wrong. it was devastating. it made him upset, it made him confused... but what made him angry was that she had the nerve to cry over it.

"Who do you think you are to cry?"

danny watched in disbelief as she packed the last of her belongings, tears streaming as she did so.

"you're serious? you're crying? you're leaving me and you're crying? its clearer now more than ever - i dont know how i didn't notice before now - but its clear to me that you've known for ages that you were done with me! you were just waiting for the right time but you had plenty of chances to bring it up and fix things, so who do you think you are to cry over this?!" he raised his voice slightly, something he'd never done before, not directed at her anyway. but now it was. every emotion he felt - rage, love, sadness, despair, confusion, anger - it was aimed at her.

"This is goodbye."

when she said nothing, only beginning to let more tears fall from her eyes, danny only saw her as a stranger, trapped in the body of someone he saw his future with. he couldn't stand the sight anymore, so he grabbed his keys and made a run for the door, willing her to be gone for good when he returned. for now he simply drove to the first house he thought of.

"I'm a little dazed and confused"

when he arrived at tom's, his only goal was probably to drink and cry a bit. he wanted someone to prove he was dreaming but he knew he'd never find that, so the drinking and crying was more of a plan b.

he entered right away, not bothering to knock in his flurry of emotion.

tom heard the door open and, knowing it would've been one of his bandmates, made his way out to the hall only to be met with a dazed, confused and slightly disheveled danny jones.

"she's done with me."

"But life's a bitch, and so are you"

once tom had properly brought danny inside and got him sat down, he got a couple of beers and joined him in the living room.

"right, start from the beginning. what happened when you got home?" tom asked, wanting to try and figure this out before anything else.

"i dunno man, i came home and she was already in the bedroom packing her suitcase. she won't tell me what i did wrong, when things went downhill. i don't know where i fucked up," danny's voice cracked as tears finally began to well up in his eyes, "she was just... done with me. like what we had meant nothing."

"she didn't give you an explanation at all? nothing?"

danny shook his head, which in turn broke tom's heart. how could she leave him without even telling him why?!

"All my days are turned into nights"

danny spent days at tom's, knowing the house would be empty when he returned, but couldn't quite find it in him to face it.

they shared that home, and he just knew it wouldn't be the same. her things would be gone, leaving the house feeling empty, and she'd be gone along with her belongings. he wasn't ready to sleep in that bed on his own.

"'Cause living without, without, without you in my life"

the time he spent at tom's was lonely. sure, tom kept him company, constantly trying to cheer him up, but it wasn't filling the hole in his heart where she used to be. he loved her, but he truly resented her too.

"And you wrote the book on how to be a liar and lose all your friends"

she'd been lying to him for months. she knew they were over, but she stayed and led him on, strung him along until she was ready to break his heart. it made him question what else she'd hid, if she'd lied about anything else...

"Did I mean nothing at all? Was I just another ghost that's been in your bed?"

tom and danny were sat in silence one night, before danny broke that with a low whisper.

"did i mean nothing at all...? was i just... a ghost in her bed? something she could phase out?"

tom stayed silent for a moment, feeling his heart ache at his dear friend's words.

"she refused to see the real you, mate. if she did then she wouldn't have left. she made the worst mistake of her life leaving you, she'll realise that soon." at this point, tom was unsure where to take his comfort, having pretty much used it up over the last few days. honestly, he knew nothing he could say would make him feel much different, but he had to try.

"'Cause this is the last time, I give up this heart of mine"

"you need to take time for you, danny, keep your heart for yourself instead of giving it up... we all hate seeing you in such a state. it's not like you at all, mate." tom spoke in concern for his dear friend.

"I'm telling you that I'm a broken man who's finally realised"

"i don't know what she's fucking done to me... she's fucked me up man, i'm broken. i dunno how to fix that." danny replied, defeated.

his breakups before had never been this bad. they never had him fucked up like this. he had no idea what was happening to him, why this was so different.

"You're standing in moonlight, but you're black on the inside"

"you need to let her go."

"easier said than done."

"i know," tom continued, "but she's eating you alive. she's completely fucked you up and it's scaring me, its scaring all of us."

"i know that," danny paused, "but i don't know how to let go. that's the problem."

tom sighed, racking his brain to try and find something, anything that could help him let go.

"do you still have anything of hers? anything she got you as a present or anything?"

danny thought for a moment, "probably. why?"

"burn it."

"Who do you think you are to cry?"

"right, what am i doing here then?"

the boys had since made their way outside, joined quickly by harry and dougie who came to watch. tom started up a bonfire while dougie sourced anything in danny's possession that she gave to him.

"you're letting go, that's what you're doing. you're gonna take it one thing at a time and you're gonna burn it all, thus frying any connection left to that heartless snake. and if that doesn't work then tom's got beer in the fridge." harry said matter-of-factly.

danny sighed, not entirely convinced that this would help.

"this is the most stupid thing, it won't work."

"just get it over with!" dougie exclaimed impatiently. he just wanted to watch things burn, the little weirdo. he handed danny the first item, a small note she wrote for him to simply say she loved him.

"this is pointless-" danny started, before the others interrupted with a small repeated chant of 'burn it'.

he knew he wasn't getting anywhere unless he listened, so with that he very hesitantly threw the note into the blaze. a chorus of cheers erupted from his bandmates, tom patting him on the back proudly.

"the goodbye has officially begun."

"This is goodbye"

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

[azumasoroshi]

guess who just watched summertime rendering (it's really good)

guys what the FUCK

(spoilery-review stuff will be below the cut but tldr: summertime rendering is really good, subverted a lot of my expectations, gorgeous animation, keeps you on your toes and has smart characters and good writing, just try not to cringe too hard at some of the haha boobs/haha panties jokes i swear there's not too many)

okay funny story. i got interested in this anime literally yesterday because one of my favorite channels was analyzing its ending song by chance

and i was like oh it's like anohana but a murder mystery? interesting premise. doesn't necessarily guarantee that it's good, the animation looks pretty at least, but it's 25 episodes and my attention span kinda sucks...

and i see the main girl in a swimsuit and im like alright. the second there's a really weird zoom on her chest im out

(my live thought process pictured below)

and the first shot or so was of the swimsuit girl (ushio) without any weird zooms so i was like okay hey we're in the clear so far

AND THEN

one minute ten seconds. dawg. that actually has to be a record of some sort

and i was 🤏this close to dropping the anime but i really wanted to see the dark horrifying stuff so i continued anyway

like. maybe that's a one off joke. maybe they wont do it again and that was just to get weirdos to be like AYYY and keep watching. maybe there is hope

there was no hope.

but i hung on anyway because right after that was the OP and it looked really interesting mostly because there were no anime visuals at all until the very end

which was. shinpei being a little bit silly. little but quirky. vibing persona 3 style baby baby baby baby baby baby baby

so yeah i decided to keep watching until the end of the first episode despite my apprehension because i just. wanted to see the dark shit go down. uaghhhhhh

and i kept watching EVEN THROUGH the clear insinuation that the mc's adopted sister was in love with him and that the mc was in love with his other adopted sister and the police officer was looking at porn in public and then FINALLY

FINALLY

(major + ending spoilers start here)

they killed my favorite character.

and then they killed the younger sister and then they killed the MAIN CHARACTER AND I WAS LIKE DAWGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

like i was expecting it to be dark but i didnt expect them all to straight up die on screen with blood splatters n everything :sob: wasnt expecting the time loop either

like. you gon have this gorgeous animation just to make the characters' deaths that much more brutal. holy fuck

i realized the other anime this reminded me of. this anime is a anohana x kagerou project crossover. thats fuckin crazy i kinda dig it

people also compare it to re:zero which is fair cuz it has the time travel, the unexpected brutality, the short haired girl who gets rejected in favor of the long haired girl (lmao) i just like kagerou project more

it somehow didnt connect the first time that it wasn't mio and i was like huh i wonder why they suddenly skipped time

and then when this scene rolled around for the second time i literally like. it hit me so fast and i was like FUCK. i was like genuinely terrified help

and then she started stabbing the ever loving shit out of totsumura and i was like oh okay! guess i dont have to wait in suspense for what she'll do at the very least

and then she stabbed shinpei in the throat and i was like OH OKAY

that scene also terrified me cuz like the phone call happening while the killer is nearby is a classic horror trope but like. i dont watch horror usually. that's my worst nightmare

it was on his third death that shinpei really started to shine for me as a protagonist because like. he's smart. notably so! it was really nice because the classic horror starts to fade away at this point and everything becomes a giant chess match

fair enough though cuz bro was like "LMAO NAH I REFUSE TO DIE AGAIN THAT SHIT PAINFUL AS FUCK" (and then repeatedly died a bunch more anyways)

it's interesting that his whole "take a step back" thing is like. a trauma response too. we love dissociation representation lmfao

shinpei was also really quick to adapt to everything and it took a LOT of shit going down to make him finally lose his composure, but he gets back in it and doesnt waste time and it was really refreshing because yknow anime (and the horror genre in general) with its overdramatic clueless protagonists

and also!!

i immediately pegged sou as the loud dumbass yosuke/ryuji type (i love them and their depth, im talking about surface level) best friend who wingmans for shinpei and immediately gets sus of shinpei and gets killed first n shit

but that was my bad like damn sou was a really good character

to be fair this was his first introduction

and the line "I should tell Sou everything" with a shot of the sky is REALLY FUCKING OMINOUS, so i feel like that was a bit of a bait and switch on the author's part lmfao

i stopped taking screenshots around this point so ill just talk about a bunch of parts that stood out to me pff

HIZURU MINAKATA MY BELOVEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

she's so autistic and so smart and so just. god. i love her

AND RYUUNOSUKE IS BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

i literally wanted to cry seeing him in the ending like dawggggggg he's SO cute id marry him no questions asked

he and hizuru were my favorites along with nezu because badass old man SLAYS

i also surprisingly really liked ushio lmao i thought she'd be like the usual manic pixie dream girl and then just based on her being in a swimsuit but like. she was honestly a joy as a character lmfao

like. her being the biggest powerhouse next to hizuru? did not see that coming, we love a girlboss!! and she's also smart and forward-thinking despite the airheaded vibes so like damn. good character! i really liked what little we got to see of the real ushio interacting with her shadow too, it was a nice bit of character building + it was funny lmao

mio was the only character other than shide that i just straight up did not like lmfaosgkjhsjg the whole "im in love with my stepbrother" was just. fuckin. weird to me from the start and you have no idea how fucking relieved i was that shinpei didn't accept her confession or get with her at the end

of course it's like. not any better that he got with his other stepsister. but like mio was more annoying so it's fine (😭)

she ended up being a damsel in distress who didnt really do anything up until the school fight where she still didnt do much, and with how much ushio emphasized "protect mio" you'd think she' have some sort of plot relevance but nope she just. thought about her brother a lot and confessed after 20 episodes and got rejected and cried

it's like all the buildup to her confession was PURELY to buildup for the ACTUAL confession which was shinpei telling her that he was in love with ushio

which is lame

like jesus her shadow had more plot relevance than her. i literally liked her shadow more than her like ????????

tokiko was a good character though i liked the "i didnt dirty my hands for this" foreshadowing and also her being a lesbian was an unexpected surprise that i liked lmfao she's a fuckin real one for still encouraging mio to be with shinpei despite being madly in love with mio. what the hell was that "i want her to see all of me" line like girl????

shide was a good smart villain, he kinda started getting cheesy typical anime villain by the end but by that point the anime was pretty firmly in the action/strategy genre and relying a lot less on the horror/mystery part so it was alright

i did love the talk he and shinpei had about video games and the FF7 namedrop was hilarious lmfao

it was cool how they had the callback to him being a video game nerd during the first fireworks festival with that 2d 3d king thing

absolutely despise him for what he did to hiruko though like. ew.

i didnt really get why hiruko deadass reverted into this weird lookin baby thing at the end but like haise was cute i liked her

didnt understand how they literally changed history either but i guess the magic eyes are like "fuck time lmao all my homies hate time" so oh well, i guess it works

the ending was really a full on "everybody lives and is happy" type deal but like. i didnt even mind man i was literally ecstatic seeing hizuru's boobs again like holy shit. you know you're watching a weird ass anime when you start crying at the fucking fanservice scenes like ohhhh my god

and like goddammit they deserve happiness

although. i was a bit pissed that they brought ushio back to life. like yeah she deserved to be brought back and yeah i do love her but rip the themes of grief and regret i guess

the show was never really about grief so i get why she was brought back but like ueeeuueueuueuee the whole "i don't want to do anything i'll regret again (including leaving ushio before we had the chance to say goodbye) so i have to keep moving forward" was really good character stuff and hrekjajsghjhsg i guess it paid off at the end???

whatever ill take getting hizuru and ryuunosuke back no matter the narrative costs

anyway yeah really good anime, definitely exceeded my expectations (which were pretty low to be fair though), i did watch all 25 episodes within 24 hours so i might be a little insane

[sunset-bridge]

I agree completely but i iwant you to elaborate anyeaha

-chai gay sex giy(ps i haveca migraine so that is why i cant typw)

MR CHAI GAY SEX in my askbox. no fucking way.....! ai generated. also i hope your migraine clears soon friend : (

anyways AHEM.

ok well. ocd... is the obsession disorder. i think you can already percieve some of this . what with how Obsession is such a theme with goro. Obsession with the Protagonist Obsession with Revenge Obsession with Perfection.

i think he could have pure O ocd. for anyone that doesnt know, pure O ocd is when you only have the obsessions but not physical compulsions. ex: i have an obsession about my house burning down but instead of doing any physical rituals like checking the stove or jumping up and down or pacing around etc. etc . i just. do mental obsessions, like repeating a phrase, counting to a number, arguing with my brain why my house WONT burn down for 4353 hours etc.

he could very well also have classic OCD but... frankly with how little time he would have to make any compulsions due to his frantic public life, im almost certain that 99% of them are mental.

OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive PERSONALITY disorder) is also a candidate for an additional disorder. for anyone that isnt familiar, this disorder is what most people would think as being a "perfectionist" or a "control freak". but to a degree where its obsessive and damaging to your quality of life. its common for it to couple with classic OCD (haha me...) and the combo is quite... devastating.

anyways. i just think the way he doubts his own convictions after meeting the protag is very ocd like.. he tries so hard to not recognize them and to convince himself hes right. he cant be wrong. he CANT AFFORD TO BE WRONG. not about his whole self! nnot about everything he stands for! it would hurt so deeply to be told you been doing it wrong your whole life.. that your core of thinking is wrong..resonates with me.. although for him specifically it would also be real event ocd (when a thing ACTUALLY happened in the past and your obsessions are about this thing etc and any implications. repeating events in your head and analyzing them ad nauseum etc) . i also think the sunk cost thing applied at some point absolutely 100% like. you dedicated your life to this plan. and you want to stop now??? no way. you already put so much into it. got to see it through. you're right. everyone else is wrong. they have to be.everything is hinging on this. no no. its just an intrusive thought. you're right. you have to be. if not, then what the hell was everything for!!

AND ALSO. how he is so. obsessive over maintaning his public image. ofc its for his plan but the feeling still applies. he Needs to be aware of everything always Everything must go according to plan Every detail must be perfect . I need to know what you Expect so i can perform correctly. You will never catch me off guard. I will be in control I need to Be the ONE in control of my life. etc. and so forth

also just the way his life is fleeting away being obsessed with his whole revenge spiral while he kinda gets more fucked up in his brain inside his skull day by day without saying anything to anyone. none of these people know etc...

very ocd core of his part. reminds me of my lowest moments where it felt like i was gonna die in the corner of my room but everything was happening in my brain. i felt like someone was stabbing me with a knife and twisting it inside. but no one else could see (this is not me being dramatic it really just Feels like That. very frustrating. a lot of people with ocd and other anxiety disorders can agree that they cause physical symptoms..)

and yeah his catharsis moment at shidos palace ... yeah...the raw emotion and the cruelty of reality hitting you in the face... everything you lived for and all of your ideals were wrong. this is my worst nightmare. i dont think i could be as strong.

thank you for listening to me! i shall go to sleep.

EDIT ALSO. r/ocdmemes moment

case closed

[ponypaltrail]

very good addition, i agree on all points. im gonna take this and ramble a bit with my vague, half formed ideas (not an essay its not nearly organized enough)

dirk really does see himself as the worst possible person, like he has this fundamental evil within himself that he has to protect others from. he sees himself (and splinters) as someone who, if gone unchecked, will inevitably bring harm to others regardless of whether he wants to or not. this is just like, something that Will happen that he needs to take precautions for. this is kind of a core tenet of my own ocd (because i can only speak of my own experiences/ocd Brand), this kind of bone deep unshakable belief that i am a danger to others. constantly fighting to suppress your True Evil Nature, the fates have destined you for evil, etc. ocd makes you believe in prophecies and shit

dirk treats himself (and his splinters especially) like a loaded gun. hal is dangerous because he's dirk acting in a way dirk cannot control, aka his worst nightmare. and so he controls hal more harshly and projects his self hatred onto him etc etc. dirk constantly has to keep the reigns (neigh.) tight on himself and always be this like tightass no feelings coolguy, or else. See how he was immune to the trickster trip as like a cosmic joke for having such rigid control over himself that he can't turn it off. (that sticks out to me as someone who was terrified of anything mind altering as a child for fear of what i would do if i lost control. i was/am also terrified of mind readers)

dirk also has this infinite guilt for literally everything, another ocd tenet. he feels guilt for things hes done, but also he has to "bear a certain responsibility" for shit he wasnt even a part of. this kind of guilt for like potential/indirect/future wrongdoing is very real. treating yourself like a serial killer when you havent actually killed anyone etc. you have an original sin you must atone for.

^what i was talking about earlier, about "how someone like me can go unchecked in life". always always keeping yourself in check. this scene is something i think about. dirk is constantly torturing himself over being a bad person and then finds out about a universe where he literally did all that shit hes afraid of doing. and he of course takes on the guilt for this (even when nobody else blames him), because hes responsible for all his splinters actions always. and the fucked up part is hes kind of right here, i can see it. even if he didnt do that stuff, you can see proto-versions of a lot of bro's traits in him (dirk 'training' jake and bro 'training' dave comes to mind). this has really stuck with me. ocd is constantly torturing yourself with endless spiraling 'what if's: what if im a terrible person, what if i hurt people i care about. and this is a scenario where you see exactly how the what if is possible. thats fucked up. i dont even know what i would do if i learned this. probably kill myself. to be fair dirk does that multiple times

the quote above really resonates with me. "I can't escape from myself." that sentence basically covers all the shit ive been saying here. the core of it all. but like you said, dirk is constantly analyzing himself at nauseam ad infinitum. when you live in a box alone in the middle of the ocean thats kind of all there is to do. the never ending obsessing over morality is yet another tenet. his constant dialogs with hal (even during other conversations) where they have their weird irony battles and needle and pick at and analyze each other. constantly questioning and punishing himself/each other, echoing and spiraling down and down (sick nin reference). and then obsessing over that obsessing. and that gets roped into it too, what kind of person are you if you give this so much thought? why cant you stop? you cant escape yourself.

i dont really know how to end this, this isnt an "essay" or an analysis just kind of a loose, overly personal collection of thoughts and what i relate to (everything about dirk is inevitably overly personal). this quote here is something i find comforting, its a very kind reality check that other people do not share the same deep belief that you are Wrong. dirk isnt bro, people who worry this much about being horrible or becoming horrible usually are fine. mind crimes arent real, you have control over your actions, and as long as you care enough to put in some effort that counts for something. in conclusion:

someday ill write the dirk ocd essay

[icantwatchtvaloneforthelifeofme]

oh god im gonna fail my exams but i caNNOT STOP WATHCUHG UGH EP6 HERE I COME

what kinda animal abuser keeps a bunch of beetles in a wooden box

01:23: this dude is giving zemo from mcu

NO NO NOT BUGS IN THE BED THIS IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY WORST NIGHTMARES I CNAT DO THIS

FUCK NO NOT THE EARS NO I AM GONNA VOMIT I CANT

I am really liking the bio references here im glad i can understand them

18:07: merlin come on you know close to nothing about this dude why would you trust him with literally your deepest secret

21:20: i think i like this villian much much more than the rest

28:46: damnnnn that dragon really went for the jugular

and tbh i agree with this villian i see his motivation and i honestly agree

35:11: ok so they give us the father son moment we've all be waiting for and then THEY TAKE IT ALL AWAY BC GAIUS IS LEAVING NOOOO HE'S LIKE MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER WHAT IS THIS

37:24: OHHHHHHHH MY GOD WHAT THE HELLL WHAT WAS THAT PH MY GOD NO I DONT LIKE UTHER BUT THIS IS LITERALLY A DISGRACE FOR HIM TO DIE LIKE THIS (its literally perfect like actually perfect end BUT WHY IS IT ENDING WTF)

ok damn this one is not very long only bc i enjoyed IT SO MUCH I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO YAP IN MY HEAD

this was soooo good oh my god the plot was amazing bc we often forget there are people, innocent people left behind in the cross fire of ideological wars and the only thing i wish this did was depict edwin as a person instead of a villian bc uther's and gaius's choice are something he literally carries everywhere and that seems like a sensible reason for revenge imo. he was an important character and i hope we get to see more of this perspective, of how the choices that these people have made still haunt them literally and figuratively bc this is the aftermath of a war and i think that would be really really interesting to see

also i think gaius and uther have been very gay for each other at one point in their lives seriously i believe this

[zuffer-weird-girl]

What about a scenario with overhaul and his SO got into an argument about him being reckless again. He didnt know he was hit with a quirk that granted wishes but it's not was it seems. During the argument. He slip up and said a wish he deeply regret. For example, like he might slip up and say "sometimes things like this I wish I didn't have a SO." (Or something Similar to that). The next morning he is looking for her and everyone was like "who tf is (y/n)."

YESSSSSSS MY FAVORITE-

Again the same discussion...

Honestly? What did you expected from him? He was an yakusa criminal, people target him, tried to kill him... of course he wouldn't come back without an injury. Members of the Shie Hassaikai coming back from missions unharmed wasn't a miracle, it was a fucking joke.

"You can't honestly keep brushing aside your own health like that!" You trailed after him as he grumbled and fixed the injury on his arm.

"Is nothing major. You're just making a fuss, as always.." he growled while stoping on his tracks and looking at you.

"Oh now I am the one making a fuss?!" You exclaimed as he simply arched an eyebrow before sighing.

"Honestly, you are better off being quiet."

"So maybe I just say 'screw you' and not care about my boyfriend at all HUH?!" You exclaimed in offense and hurt as he only punched the wall, his anger finally manifesting.

"If I knew that having you as my partner would be like this everytime I came back from a meeting I much rather wish you never even crossed my path, or better yet, never existed." He grunted before opening jos eyes and seingbthe hurt in your expression and how you backed down.

It was silence for a bit before you brethed in and out, looking at him coldly in the eyes before managing to mumble some words.

"If is that how you feel. Fine. I will peave yoh alone Chisaki."

He narrowed his eyes at seing you walking away as he rolled his eyes after. Walking towards the bathroom to wash all of the filth sticked to his body.

.

.

.

As he felt the drops of hot water hit his skin and letting out a relieved sigh, his mind plagued him with the words he had said... Sure, he was a prideful man, but he knew when he had overstep and he was on the wrong.

He didn't know jow long he had been on the shower, but as soon as he left the bathroom he saw that all of your things were simply... gone. His face scrunched up at the mere thought of you being so mad that you just decided to get out of your shared room.

Sighing, he only picked up some clothes and layed on the bed. Thinking that he just needed to give you a bit of time to cool your head off.

It was alreadh dark, and sleep? He didn't get any of it. Just rolling on the bed, impossibpe of getting comfortable as he just chuffed and got up, placing his casual black mask on as he left his room.

Spoting Chrono on the halls he only sighed as both him and Mimic greetes his presence.

"Sleep well?" Mimic snickered at the face of Chisaki as Chrono chuckled. He only rolled his eyes at them before putting his hands on his pockets and lookimg around.

"Make all the fun you want. I have to apologize to (Y/n), a better thing that discussing with two imbeciles." He muttered nonchantly as Chrono and mimic widened their eyes while looking at eachother.

"Who is this godsend (Y/n) that YOU have to apologize to?" Chrono chuckled as Mimic snickered.

"Yeah boss, since when you apologize to someone? Specially a chick we never heard of?"

"Very funny." Chisaki deadpanned "Any of you saw where she went?"

"Still dont know who the fuck are you talking about." Mimic spatted as Chrono nodded in confirmation.

"Dammit both of you!" Chisaki hissed in anget "Stop joking. Im talking about (Y/n). You know? The woman I sleep with and even lives in here for about four years?" He narrowed his eyes as he vrossed his arms as Chrono made a worried expression as Mimic let out a confused noise.

"Kai? You're.. are you okay? Got hit by a quirk or something?"

"Chronostasis if you dont tell me where the fuck is my girlfriend I am turning you into a pool of blood on these halls." He growled threatening as Mimic got in the middpe of both them, returning to human form to prevent a catastrophe.

"Boss we're serious here. Never on those four years you brought a human soul inaide the shie Hassaikai asides from the precepts."

He scoffed, feeling hives creep through his spine as he spotted Nemoto coming along.

"Nemoto." He growled aas the man with glasses got onto his side pretty quickly. "Where is (Y/n)? I want you to ask them this moment."

The man only arched his eyebrows up in worry as he put his hand on his chin.

"Huh... master, who is this (Y/n)? Is a debtor of ours?"

"Not you too." He groaned "My girlfriend Nemoto! Where is she?!"

"Master..." the man only muttered in fear for his boss "You.. never had a girlfriend. Never even brought someone asides form us the eight precepts inside."

His eyes widened... Nemoto qoupd rather die than lie straight to his face...

No... this couldn't be real.

He ran past the three man back to his room. Anyone who saw Chisaki at that moment would tell he was insane, searching every centimeter on that room in search of a proof you existed, you were still there.

Yet, he found nothing. His room was throw upside down as he breathed in and out desperatly and scratched his arm full of red spots.

One last chance was Pops. Yeah. The opd man would just simply tell him that he needed to give you time and that was all a cruel joke from his most trusted subbordinates on him. Yeah, that could only be it.

Barging through the door he apmost shouted Pops name as the man was checking some papers.

"Why, good morning for you too Chisaki-"

"(Y/n)-" he breathed out your name as he slammed jis hands on the desk of the elder "Please tell me where my angel is old man.. please tell me I didn't losed my mind..."

It was quiet for a bit before he felt a hand on his head and he saw the worried look on Pops face.

"Chisaki calm down my boy, what is happening?"

"I had a fight with her." He breathed out "I said some stupid shit to my girlfriend and now everyone is staring at me like I am some sprta of crazy bastard, telling me (Y/n) never even stepped inside this house..."

"Kai, I hate to tell you this my boy..." he patted his shoulder "But really, I dont know who is this (Y/n).. maybe you're mistaken?"

"I am not.." he let out a shaky breath as he gripped his hair "I am not mistaken..."

He ended up sitting on the sofa, collapinsing even as his eyes burned.

He didn't meaant those words! How?! Must be a nightmare, it must be-?! A life without you he couldn't imagine, hell he didn't even wanted to live a lige without the light of his dark life. His angel that always worry about him...

It couldn't be.. please... this cant be real.

Before a tear could escape his eyes he heard a door opening and some muffped voices.

"He just barged in here talking to himself some nonsense and is just like this."

"I heard the same thing from the guys, is he okay?"

That voice... it was.. it was your-

"(Y/n).." he called out and finally looked up from his hands and seing you there looking at him.

There you were... hurt for sure by his words yet looking at him with worry in your eyes.

"Maybe he was hit by a quirk on his way out earlier." Pops commented as he standed up, immediatly catching your hand and pulling you towards him so he could your cheek. Uncharestically of him enough to make you widen your eyes.

"Kai..?" You almost whispered his name as his golden eyes had a tears stuck on them as he looked at every atom almost of your face.

His thumb carresed your cheek like your skin could breao at any moment... the fear he felt earlier was slowly melting away as he noticed you were really there, he could touch you and ... it was real.

"Kai..?" You furrowed your eyebrows, grabbing the hand on your cheek before gasping when his arms circled around your waist and almost crushed you to him.

"You're really here..." he breathe dout shakily, holding your body close to him as he rubbed his nose on your temple with shaky breaths.

"Where else I would have gone..?" You laughed nervously while hesitantly hugging back.

"I'm so sorry... angel, Im so sorry... forgive me for what I said.." the way he hugged you was so rare and so out of character of him, it was like you had died and come back to death.

"I will leave you both alone for now." Pops said before smilling at both of you as Chisaki finally repeased a bit the grip he had on you after Pops left the room.

"What happened for you to act like-" he quickly locked his lips with yours making you wide your eyes once again.

"I swear-" a kiss "I will mever spoke such atrocities to you again-" another kiss "You're the angel of my dreams and life-" so much kisses god.

You even giggled at his treatment and carresed his chest.

"Okay okay I forgive you-" you giggled as he he brought you close to him again so he could bury his face on your hair "But really, what happened?" You asked while carresing his back as he sighed in relief at feeling your warmth and scent.

"I just lived my worst nightmare... after a stupid wish." He breathed out, surely not over from what had happened.

[m3wllo]

cracks knuckles!! end lore/hcs?

takes off hat and waves it at you hi cass :3 (as perusual, content warning under the cut. specifically for mentions of hospitals, surgeries, and paranoia + intrusive thoughts)

due to the uh…Incident that happened with him dr chance and dr orion he has minor nerve damage in his heart

due to the Incident as well end has like. the worst fucking phobia ever of hospitals, scapels, ect and has just, horrid intrusive thoughts

hes a gardener and has her own garden :3 as well as plants scattered throughout his house, notable examples being: the insane amount of herbal plants around his kitchen, decorative plants around his doors and living room, and plants in his window sils. keeps him sane yaknow. spends a lot of his time in his garden

trinket collector. loves collecting little knick knacks or things she thinks looks cool

for some reason he has way too much information on just about everyone. i dont know how he got this info either

he WOULD have a gyaru aesthetic if she wasnt so cowardly

has a german shep/husky doggy named tiramisu! also nicknamed beef. she is ends service dog for anxiety and sensory issues

his legal name is basil eldon and her real name is cupid cottonwood

went as reaver, pirate edition, once for halloween when he was really young. i reckon reaver was also one of his favorite pirates as a kid. he is mildly embarrassed by this now

how ironic would it be for a pixie to study witchcraft i need to know

works as a voice actor/flower arranger! and yknow. kira-tracker-down-person

she…she owns a few cute aprons specifically for baking….

WOULD use medicinal weed if he wasnt worried about hallucinations and whatnot natural puppydog eyes, pathetic little meowmeow  extremely isolated despite what she wants to believe, but also much smarter than he believes to be

paranoid. paranoia can be triggered by the stupidest of things and cause them to spiral for like, 20 minutes before shes like "wait. no. this is fucking stupid what am i doing". its very annoying for him

unlike the rest of my freaks(ocs), end is the only one who cannot stomach any kind of gore or violence. with the exception of aesthetic of blood splatters.

probably smells really nice. like woodsy with floral undertones

catboy. meows and kneads to stim

speaking of stimming: hair twirler! specifically the lock that hangs over her face and the hair over their shoulders. also sings and hums as a stim. and echolalia haver

mightve been the main target for bullying at wammys due to being so shy and awkward, this stopped like Immedeiately after L died (due to her just shutting the fuck down and people taking pity on them)

vel has and continues to make him watch gore/snuff films with them

frequent nightmare haver. it isnt like..the crazy shit that vel and copy have but its still unsettling and upsetting

probably attends like..virtual parties/raves. think the ponytown events

[icecreamkink]

watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god   wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD. 

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him 

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top 

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

 It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo,  lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass,  shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is,  the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’,  “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

 accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin 

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it. 

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

 baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

 would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory  LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

 the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out! 

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha. 

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying* 

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears 

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression  when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE,  and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice 

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb 

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious 

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof 

 and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. ) 

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :((((((((( 

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf 

wwx: fucking w demonic energy   jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth 

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting                                                                wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch?? 

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no. 

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword                        wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go. 

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. .  . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

 they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg  .   spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . . 

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA 

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair 

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

 sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like                     ?          ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also   so       thrilling   (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say) 

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris. 

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

 i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU  the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’ 

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That 

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng.  being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance. 

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY  

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all???  amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD. 

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

 jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future  

one of the ?? things  i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad 

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

 its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE. 

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???” 

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn. 

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding. 

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever 

BAT WEN NING 

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’ 

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock” 

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face. 

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself! 

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe. 

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities.  *longest oh boi ever*

[someone-worth-racing-for]

And here I am again, on the topic of Carlos haters. I'm actually very happy for you for not being around people who wish him to crash or to die, because there are so many out there. And its scary. Especially in F1. In a sport where every single fan knows, how it can end. In a sport where its not that inpossible for a driver to actually loose his life. And still they are out there.

Triggerwarning, don't read if you get emotional easy

I had someone telling me that he wishes for Carlos to die, and that his whole family should see it, and that he should have a long and horrible death, which should cause him a lot of pain because "this is what he deserves".

And this broke me. Because its F1. Because it could happen. And I wouldn't know what do if Carlos would actually loose his life, not to imagine his family... And there are people out there who actually put it into words. Its distrubing, alarming. And it leaves me helpless. What should I with messages like it? How can I stop it?

I got nightmares of any kind of drivers dieing because of stuff like this. Because people throw around words without thinking. Or maybe its my fault? Because I'm too attached to drivers? Maybe their death or those people shouldnt bother me?

If you dont feel like sharing this message (because it might be quite disturbing and I got carried away quite a lot, sorry for that) but still wanna answer me, you can call me "Jamie B." in your post and I will still know that you meant me and this message. I was gonna write you a DM but it feels better to stay anonym in this topic, or people might use this against me.

Trigger warning - the following text and also the ask above contains content that some may find disturbing. Please, read with care.

Seriously, anonym - I'm very glad you sent this message to me, because such things need to be talked about and not get ignored! It's so important to talk about this topic and not just look past it.

Yeah, I know I can call myself really happy to be around people who don't wish Carlos or any other driver any harm. Yes, not everyone of the people I follow/talk to support Carlos to 100%, but at least they all stay respectful and are grown up enough to know that you DON'T say duch things! NEVER EVER! ABOUT NO ONE!

Like I have said before, I really wasn't aware about that there are (still) so many people out there, that say stuff like that and even worse they also really mean the thoughtless things they say serious. Mostly because I block every account that comes past my way and is not respectful towards Carlos.

And like I have also said before, I have never seen such a hate post before, but hearing about the (anonym) message you have got gives me chills the worst possible way. This just can't be true, or?! I actually don't even know where to start here..

First of all, it's okay for me to send me anonym asks or requests for fics, but if you have to say something, if you want to tell someone your opinion then for fuck's sake have the damn balls to not send it anonym! I'm pretty sure most of those hate messages people receive are because of the damn anonymity of the internet. First those people are cowards in my eyes and second they really need to see a therapist for just thinking stuff like that, not even mention it to write them down, take their time to send it to someone and overall mean that also serious!

In what a sick world are we actually living to wish someone's (long, painful) death and also let his/her loved ones/family watch him/her dying!? How sick is that?!

Yes, Carlos had said/done some things in the past he shouldn't have and he could have at least apologized for it, but that still doesn't give you the right to wish him stuff like that! He is still only human, like you and me. No one, really no one deserves this!

And the thought that some people would really cheer in front of their TV, if something should ever happen to Carlos makes me really, really sick. Because like you have already said, anonym - stuff like that can happen so easily and quickly in this sport. Carlos or anyone else could really die out there! They could really lose their lives, for real!

I really want to know (no, I actually don't even want to know) what goes through those people's mind, what they are thinking when they write those words down. I mean, how would they feel, if they would read stuff like that about themselves somewhere on the internet from complete strangers (even worse, you don't even know their identity)? (God, I really hope Carlos won't ever have to read those kind of messages) How would they feel about that? What would those words make to them? Don't they see their loved ones/family in front of their inner eyes how they would react, if you would be the one passing away? Are they really so cold and heartless to not ask themselves those questions before sending those messages? Do they really don't think at all before? What's wrong with these people? Have they never received any love in their lives?

To your ask about what you should do - talk, talk about it! Talk with your family, friends or with me about it (also anonymous, it's totally alright if want to stay anonym in this case). Talking about it helps, believe me.

I can also call myself lucky once again, because I have never received such hate messages before (this will probably change after this post..),but if I would get any, I would publish them. Maybe I wouldn't respond anything, but I would want people to know about it, because it's not okay, it's actually the worst thing ever.

And maybe, but only maybe, those people will change their minds if they will read other people's thoughts on their death treats, maybe they will finally be able to understand that such things are unacceptable, that they finally need to educate themselves properly, grow up and finally start to be good.

But if you don't want to publish those messages or read any of their words anymore, you should better really deactivate anonym asks. It's really for your own good and mental health, because I can tell you are suffering a lot because of it.

And if I have understood you right here (God, I really hope I haven't) and you actually know the person who has told you this, then please stop any contact with that person, if he/she doesn't want to understand why this is the worst thing ever. Stay away from those people who aren't good for you and who obviously aren't happy with their own lives. You don't need them. You don't have to listen to their sick thoughts.

But please, don't search the problem by yourself - it's really not your fault at all. You can support/be a fan of whoever you want and there will always be people who disagree with you - which is actually okay - but what these people are doing is more than just sick. It's not your fault that people are like that, their problems are not on you.

I hope I could help you here a little, anonym - but don't ever forget, if things should become too much, please talk with someone about it or take a step back from social media.

And please, also don't ever forget - don't fight hate with hate!

Stay safe, anonym and enjoy the good things in life ❤️

[trashcatsnark]

You have mentioned river a couple times and your opinions of Johnny vis-à-vis jealousy - he’d be a handsy little shit obvs, but do you have any thoughts about how they would interact?  part of me says given how river pretty much falls for every single v and how little he’d likely care for Johnny , I think there might be a *touch* of jealousy there too more of “a seriously this guy???” sort of thing,l

Okay, so, like I do think as like a woman who has an attraction to men (I’m bi) there’s always a tendency for me to compare and how the two are so dynamically opposed. But, works for masc V or a nonbinary V too, btw. Aint not exclusionary bullshit in this house. 

River just offers V such the polar opposite of Johnny. River is like the domestic sweetheart former cop and Johnny is a feral terrorist rockerboy.  Johnny represents chaos and disorder; River represents a more controlled fight against the system, more order than Johnny for sure. Cause River does turn against the system and sees how unfair it is, but his response to withdraw from it and fight for what matters to him most, trying to help people. And Johnny turns against the system by sending a big explosive message, but is shitty to people on an individual level. River wants to help change people’s lives on an individual personal level; becoming a private eye so he won’t be bogged down in doing so by the constraints of the system. Johnny has this vision of changing people’s lives by destroying the system that hurts them. Johnny is ruthless and River is more contained. They both have values that are important to them and a desire to help in some way; but go about it in very different ways. And when it comes to V and romance, River falls quick and isn’t afraid to put it on the table. Johnny doesn’t have that freedom, constrained by circumstance, or the emotional maturity. River isn’t burdened by guilt or the reality of V’s shortening lifespan. 

And to me, at least playing as a fem! V. River is by far the most blatantly romantic and upfront about his feelings for V. Like I never got the feeling Judy was into my V until the cheek kiss, then its up to V to make a move in the cabin. I dont even think I get the chance to flirt with Panam as fem V and while everything feels flirty; obviously Panam isn’t romanceable to me. But I do believe I was shown that masc V is expected to initiate and then she’ll give a return kiss the next morning? (correct me if wrong) And I know with Kerry, you give the option no matter what to try to romance on the balcony, fem V getting shot down. Then I was downright shocked when me helping Kerry break something was treated as a romantic advance. Whereas River is just; his whole ass family being like RIVER WANTS TO KISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! and him being like...”they’re not wrong...” 

So, Johnny has a lot of jealousy imo about how River offers something so different then him, can be open and honest with his feelings in a way he can’t. AND River has a silver hand too, what the fuck, copyright infringement much!?

And then Johnny’s back and River was assumably respectfully rejected by V. And he can see that V likes Johnny but....he’s kind of a dick????? At least Johnny’s a bit of a dick to River (for reasons) and he’s kinda unreliable and all over the place, at least to River. But V likes him and also Randy likes Johnny, cause tell me a teenage delinquent who loves rock music wouldn’t like Johnny, and he’s like, V, he taught Monique and Dorian to swear and called their favorite game cop propaganda. He’s loud, he’s gross, he’s childish at times. And, really V...really???? He’s the guy you wanna spend all your time with????? Really???? Are you sure there wasn’t left over brain damage after mikoshi???

And me and my friend @tender-wounds have joked a lot about how picking Johnny when River is like right there, is basically any incel or “nice guy”’s worst fucking nightmare. Not that River is any of those things because he’s obviously not. But like, you have this nice domestic, sweet guy, just wants to do the right thing, he cooks for you, he’s even like 6′5, good looking fellow, AND YOU CHOOSE THE  GREASY ROCKER BOY WHO SMACKED YOU ON DAY ONE, CAUSE WELL, HE CHANGED. 

LIKE ITS ACTUALLY KINDA HYSTERICAL BUT LIKE, I LOVE HIM. 

[catboy-lover-archive]

Obey Me Romanian MC

idea inspired by @/harunayuuka2060 (too shy to tag them)

Nu ştiu ce inspirație supraomenească m-a lovit dar am început asta la 2 dimineața și am terminat-o la 6.30

Im sleep deprived bc I stayed up all night doing this, enjoy gagicile mele

[added translations]

(under the cut bc this bitch is long af)

Lucifer: Are you not enjoying your meal?

MC: This food isn't even good. Next time I'm bringing my bunica to make you guys sarmale best thing you ever tried 👩‍🍳👌😘 mwah

-

MC: I'm not gonna go out with Satan, Beel, Asmo or Belphie.

Asmo: Awww

Beel: :(

Belphie: What?!

Satan: Why?

MC: Why date a guy who's favorite color is not in romanian flag? 🤔🇷🇴

-

Asmo: But I thought you could-

MC: For the last time IM NOT A VAMPIRE I CAN'T HYPNOTIZE PEOPLE OR MAKE THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

-

Levi: Ohhh!!!! So are you like familiar with Castlevania-

MC: We don't talk about that *cries in disappointed*

-

Solomon: What is this weird potion.

MC: *puts bottle of țuică (plum brandy) on the table*

MC: This is not a potion, but a solution to all of your problems gagica 💖

-

MC: *talking to Lucifer* Oh iubire (love), stop crying over Diavolo again. Why cry over guy who would wear vagabond everyday in my country?

MC: Tsch tsch tsch

Lucifer: What the fuck is Vagabond

MC: Only the worst of streetwear existent. Only f-boys use it

Lucifer: Fair enough

-

Beel: Why do you want to try out for the sports team?

MC: Because Steaua, my country's team, disappointed me 😔

-

MC: Mammon! Asmo! Let me show you guys a thing called ✨manele✨

-

(after the Belphie incident)

MC: Does anybody have a belt.... a belt so I can...no reason...papuci de casă (slippers) works too

-

MC: Hey Belphie! Did you enjoy your punishment? 😜

Belphie: My butt still hurts...

MC: Next time it's the lingură de lemn ♡ (wooden spoon)

-

*MC dancing to Braşoveanca*

Mammon: W-what's that???

Satan: Some sort of ritual I suppose

Asmo: *joining in* It's fun!

MC: Doi✌paşi🦵înainte➡️şi😱doi😩înapoi⬅️ (two steps forward two steps back)

-

MC: Who has summoned me?

Satan: Belphie isn't feeling well and the medicine didn't really do it's job.

MC: Everyone watch closely because I'm going to teach you guys a sacred ritual called ✨Frecție cu Oțet✨

Satan: You're just pouring vinegar on his wrist.

MC: Now here comes the fun part. *maggages his wrists*

Belphie: Someone please kill me this is unbearable

MC: Am I allowed to say Tatăl Nostru (Lord's prayer) or is that too....uhhh weird since yall are demons and stuff-

-

Barbatos: MC...

MC: I'm sorry but crossing myself after I finish a meal is implemented in my brain. It's in the default settings.

Barbatos: What happens if you don't cross yourself?

MC: Lingura de lemn (wooden spoon) *shivers*

-

Diavolo: Do you like my castle?

MC: Baby, Peleş puts you to shame.

MC: Also, too much current (swift). Close the damn windows

-

Lucifer, giving up on life: Oh not again...

MC: DA PĂ CIMPOI DA PĂ CIMPOI JOACĂ FETELE LA NOI 👉👈😳

MC: Real music here 😌

-

MC: There, there gacica (girlfriend). Don't cry. *pats him on the back*

Lucifer: Do you got any more țuică...

MC: That's the spirit!

-

MC: I know I technically didn't die, but can we please have a funeral??? There is this really tasty cake just for this special occasion called colivă. Beel is okay with it so- hey don't ignore me! wait guys this is important- wAIT!

-

Satan: I hate Lucifer because he is my father.

Belphie: I hate Lucifer because he sucks in general.

MC: I hate Lucifer because Favorite color is red which is COMMUNISM COLOUR 😡‼

-

Solomon: See?? MC likes my cooking!

MC: Piftie...Caltaboş...

MC: Solomon, you would make a very good romanian housewife. Say, have you ever considered getting a 701st wife...?

-

Beel: *munching happily on the food MC makes*

Lucifer: *getting a fucking break*

MC: *making grătar(barbeque) cu mici*

MC: Everybody loves 1 Mai!

-

MC: Beelphiiieee!!!! I have a spell for you 😊

Belphie: Please not the lingură de lemn-

MC: *boop on the nose* ✨du-te dracu✨ (go to hell)

-

Lucifer: How did you make everyone behave?

MC: *looking at the papuc de casă in hand*

MC: You either die a hero...or live enough to become the villain...

Lucifer: Interesting, can you teach me?

MC: The secret is to use your wrist-

-

MC, whispering: Psst! Mammon! How's the sarmale trading going?

Mammon: Its okay, but why can't you just give me the recipe?

MC: E din moşi strămoşi (it's from older generations) I can't give it to you

-

MC: Hey pisi, want a ride in my Dacia?

Simeon: ...what? :)

MC: Come on gagica(girlfriend)! We are going to visit my family they will love you!

MC: You can also bring Luke. Just uhhh don't let him drink from the "juicebox" ok? It's not- It's not juice in there

MC: But you can drink. I won't tell anyone.

-

Diavolo: MC you can't leave yet. Not even for a quick visit back home.

MC: Auzi, da du-te-n p- (well why don't you fuck yourself on my dic-)

-

MC: *sigh* Sometimes I wish Satan was wearing Vagabond instead of...whatever that is

Asmo: Ouch, but yeah I guess we are that desperate.

Satan: I'm never tutoring any of you again.

-

MC and Luke, just vibing honestly: ⬇️Intră-n👇apa🌊mării🐚şi🐋nu🐟te🙄teme😱ai😳să-nveți🤯să-noți🐠printre🤔sirene🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️

(go in the sea's water and don't you be afraid you'll learn to swim among mermaids)

-

MC: No Asmo, I have a date to the ball he's right here *points at țuică bottle*

-

Belphie: *misbehaving*

MC: Vai, vai, vai. Sărumâna Belphie 😃 ( well, well, well good day Belphie)

MC: *grabs the papuc (slipper)*

-

MC: NO LUCIFER IT CAN NOT BE AN AN NOU FERICIT (happy new year) IF WE DO NOT DANCE THE HORĂ

-

MC and Luke, vibing yet again: POVEȘTI DIN FOLCLORUL MAGHIAR!!! (maghiar folklore stories!)

-

MC: Where is my țuică? :)

Everyone: *quiet*

MC: I won't get mad :)

MC:

MC: Foaie verse de trifoi~ *papuc reappears* Dați băi țuica înapoi (green leaf of clover, give the țuică back you fucker)

Everybody: *runs*

MC: Mândruțelor (girls), come back until I'll put this to good use

-

Levi: *exists*

MC: *in love with him bc his fav color is in the Romanian flag and not in the commie flag*

MC: Te las să te lingi cu mime în parcare la lidl (I'll let you french kiss me in the Lidl market parking lot)

-

MC: Lucifer you don't understand!

MC: Sandu Ciorbă cured my depression!

-

MC: Muie cretinii pământului (fuck y'all stupid asses) my țuică is back and I'm not sharing anymore

-

Asmo: We're doing hot girl shit tonight

MC: Ne curvim rău (we're hoeing)

-

MC: futu-ți cristelnița mătii (fuck your mother's font) Simeon you're the one that drank all my țuică

MC: I'll let it slide this once, if u take me for shaorma(shawarma) in Piața Victoriei (Victoria's market)

-

Solomon: Whoops, I accidentally messed up the sarmale recipe

MC: Aşadar războiu alesu l-ai (So you have chosen war)

-

Mammon: MC, how do you say "I hate you" in romanian?

MC: Dar eu sunt mândru că sunt twink. (I'm proud to be a twink)

Mammon, clueless: ok thanks

-

MC, to Belphie: I had such a rough day, please fute-mi una (fuck me over) and not the way I like

-

Mammon: What would be a quick way to make money?

MC: Gagica(girlfriend), listen. Culegător de sparanghel (asparagus picker) in Spain is your go-to.

-

Asmo: *blasting manele vechi (old manele).2006*

Asmo: Please love me!

MC: *already in wedding attire*

-

MC: Beel! Here, try this! Yeah yeah its completely fine!

MC: ...what do you mean it looks like Solomon's cooking?

MC: THIS IS PIFTIE AND YOU WILL LEARN TO APPRECIATE IT

-

MC: *dragging them all by the hand to therapy*

MC: Păi aşa-i hora pe la noi măi bade- (This is hora to us well my mans)

-

MC, talking to Lucifer: Măi omu lu dumnezeu îți fut una de nu te vezi (listen God's man I'll fuck you over that you'll not see again) if u lay a finger on my țuică again

MC: I don't care that you have daddy issues, this is MINE now thank you very much.

-

MC: Doamne cu ce ți-am greşit? (God, what have I done to you?)

MC: tanti Lilith, ia-mă cu tine gagicuțo milf ce ești (Miss Lilith, take me with you you milf girlfriend)

MC: Chiar și culesul de căpșuni din Spania era mai ok dacât (even strawberry picking in Spain is better than) Therapist Simulator hell edition

-

Diavolo: *exists*

MC: Vrei să-ți fiu a ta mireasă? (Do you want me to be your wife?)

-

Simeon: *exists*

MC: Vrei să-ți fiu Ileană Cosânzeană? ( Want me to be your fairy wife?)

-

Belphie: Every time I doze off they say this weird phrase...

MC: Dormeo(mattress company) ! Noapte bună! (good night!)

-

MC: What do you mean im not allowed to have a cross around my neck?

MC: My dead grandmother would kill me it's Sfântu Andrei for fucks sake

MC: The law is law we gotta put garlic and salt everywhere around the house

MC: This is what you get from taking my țuică away AGAIN

-

MC: I mean, at least i dont have to take the bacalaureat and face the woman-hating-Ion-Creangă-fucking-twink-looking-nightmare-inducing Eminescu so

MC: *drinks a Mona Spirt (rubbing alcohol) bottle in one go*

MC: that works wonders for me

[transsexualhamlet]

okayokayokay i have like. Q U E S T I O N S because i have *wanted* to read no longer human but have been afraid to SO -

1) what's it like? what do u think of it? im sooo curious 👀

2) do u think that asagiri-sensei based bsd dazai sorta off the book more than off the actual authour? i seem to remember reading that once but i dont remember if it was speculation or not

3) .......just infodump as much as you want, really; im Curious™��� and it looks like ur having fun with the book XD

p.s. - have fun with crime and punishment; thats a book ive DEFINITELY been meaning to read (but i havent had time to yet djfjdjfjf)

AHHHHHHH HI TYSM I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD ASK. I read the entire book in 2 hours before going to bed like four days ago, though it probably wasn't the best time to do it, that shit is nightmare fuel

I'm just gonna preface this with I know basically nothing about the actual author other than what's in the book, also I read the manga version (the junji ito one, yeah) so yeah I'm not sure how much that differs from the original text.

So for how much he based it off of the book vs the actual author, I couldn't really tell you- no longer human is somewhat of an autobiography, so I'd say that those work together. (it's complicated, bc the main character of no longer human is not actually dazai, but dazai is there, and they like??? basically say that that character and dazai are like actually the same person???? and they like, switch places at the end?? its really confusing, but basically, I'm treating the mc of no longer human as dazai himself.) The important stuff about the author that I know of worked into dazai's character is all in no longer human too so,,, yeah. I think saying that it's based more off of that book is probably true, though I don't know what asagiri was thinking.

But about the book itself- Yeah uhhhhhh seriously, I don't really recommend reading no longer human if you have much of a sensitivity to basically anything, especially the graphic novel version because when i say graphic novel i mean Graphic there is so much nudity, sex, s/a, addiction, violence, Mental Illness of all types, religious trauma, obviously suicide, and frankly just visually horrifying stuff

So everything under this is gonna be under a cut just cause Uh Yeah It's A Lot and i do not want to subject everybody to it

But reading it was certainly something I am glad I did, because it did teach me a lot about dazai and how he was created, as well as confirming a lot of theories I had about him that can't be confirmed or denied in bsd canon.

Like me and my friend were just like examining his character and kind of coming up with ideas about him- like we both agreed that he had Motherless Energy TM and that his dad had to have been an absolute fucking piece of shit. Also, we thought that he definitely had to have had A Lot of csa trauma and probably issues having to do with his neurodivergency when he was a child.

Literally all of that ended up being true within the canon of no longer human, so I was kind of impressed that we were so right?? It makes me feel better for thinking a lot of those things, especially since they're just Pretty Fucked Up.

But yeah its. No wonder he turned out that way when he was So Autistic and Masking So Much And So Badly and with absolutely no guidance as how to deal with his neurodivergency other than just fucking let anything anyone wanted happen sooooo he got raped, as a kid, like. A lot. A LOT. And basically ended up thinking that because of this all humans were just horrifying awful monsters and yeahhhhh things pretty much went downhill from there

I don't have a ton of time so you can send me more asks about it lol this is just barely scratching the surface this thing is pretty intense

A lot of other things that I think I can apply to bsd dazai as well, tho they're not gone into that much in the canon:

-This dude is like always fucking drunk or high, cause he just cannot stand being sober that much. He's a serious alcoholic and actually addicted to opioids and I cannot think that much differently about dazai. He's got issues.

but there are a lot of differences between Dazai and the no longer human mc, though there are enough similarities that this is definitely the dude he was based off of.

The main difference is that the no longer human mc is actually just a good guy. He's made a shit ton of stupid fucking mistakes, but he's trying to be a good man and he feels awful for the things he's done, which, I really cannot say Dazai has. Dazai is not a good man, I think everyone knows that. He doesn't really care that much lol

-both of them are like. Weirdly popular with women. Which is hilarious but like, with Dazai he doesn't really take it seriously, and he actually flirts with women. The no longer human guy like. He doesn't hes just like Tragically Attractive and women want to be with him and he has no clue how to say no so he just ends up being a whore bc hes socially useless. It causes a lot of problems bc hes like constantly cheating because of this lol.

-Dazai has a much more poetic view of it all? The no longer human guy is just fucking suffering and hes like why is this happening to me im so awful and i bring misfortune to everyone around me and its not fair and he wants to die and everything but it's not at all in the same way that Dazai does. Dazai acts more like an author than him, in the sense of his "I want a death that is narriatively satisfactory and I want to know the meaning of living by seeing the worst of it and observing how it is to be a human" yeah that's not the same at all. No longer human man really just doesn't understand them and is just. Not having fun

-Also, it's really the thing about Dazai having such an utter lack of religion compared to his original counterpart. Like, the main thing that kept this dude alive for so long was the fact that he had so much religious trauma and was constantly guilty and worried he would go to hell and basically scared of everything. Bsd dazai is like, nearly the opposite, he's the kind of dude who was born and raised atheist, and in the kind of way that he's trying to basically come up with his own meaning of life and religion to follow, whereas the original is struggling to live with one that's been perscribed to him. Both are Very Neurodivergent but it was, handled differently

And yeah i really do have to keep this short, you can totally ask me more and I have a lot more to say but one thing I want to bring attention to is the fact of something they do have in common- their masking. It's a big part of no longer human, about how the mc doesn't understand social customs and what is acceptable or how to talk to people or seriously be happy, so he basically comes up with this "clowning" which is basically, make a fool of himself on purpose all the time so people will never take him seriously or think he's good or smart. That's something dazai completely does, wholeheartedly, and something that fucks him up bad in no longer human. And I think that could be examined a lot more deeply, this dude has issues and so many of them are related to autism. God, I have so many thoughts but aghhhhhhhhhhhhh i hope u enjoy

[too-much-sunshine]

Fangs for the Hospitality

Chapter 7

Fic Summary: After Roman leaves his family reunion mad at Remus, his car breaks down. The huge snow storm forces him into the forest hes always been told to stay away from. Who will he meet? And why are they being so nice? Most importantly, why are his teeth so sharp?

A/N: I’m so very sorry this chapter took so long to come out…Life happens my guys gals and nonbinary pals.... Ill try and be better!

Relationship: Familial DAM, Eventual Roceit, Eventual Intrulogical

Warnings (per chapter): Roman has social anxiety, he is awkward, food (Let me know if anything else!)

Catch up!:  Master list, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Word Count: 2546

Read on AO3!

Patton and Virgil finished their food first; Patton grabbing both their plates from the table and bringing them into the kitchen. Little Virgil hurried off his chair to follow after him.

Roman watched the two go with a small smile. He remembers how he and his brother used to be that close. 

Flinching slightly remembering the newest memory he has of his brother, he looked down and away from the boys. He ended up staring at his plate which he had only half eaten. He was starting not to feel as hungry anymore.

“Eat up dear, we have a big day in front of us." Janus chimed in.

Roman jumped slightly and looked up to the man who spoke. Janus picked up his wine glass and took a drink. Roman just now realized that Janus never had a plate of food to begin with.

"Aren't you going to eat something too?" He enquired.

"Oh no I've already eaten. Before I fixed you guys' breakfast to make sure it all went smoothly." Janus smiled, taking another sip.

"Oh...alright.." Roman looked back down frowning at his food. He felt dumb for asking, even though it wasnt an ovious answer. His stomach was turning a bit pushing the food around. He didn't want to seem wasteful or ungrateful, but he knew that his anxiety wouldn't let him finish what he had. Luckily the decision on what to do was made for him.

An arm came around Roman and picked up his plate for him. Startled, Roman looked behind himself to see Janus standing there holding Romans plate. He was so quiet Roman didn't even realise he had gotten up.

"It's okay if you don't want the rest, sweetheart. You seem to have been through a lot."

Blushing slightly Roman just nodded his head, avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah sorry...I'm just not..okay right now." He responded weakly.

"Let's clean up a bit and I'll send the kids to play. Then we can talk a bit." Janus said over his shoulder while walking Roman's plate to the kitchen.

Roman didn't respond since it didn't sound like a question. He just crossed his arms and laid his head on the table. 'This is going to be tough…' he thought as Janus came back into the room with Virgil on hip. 

~~~

Remus woke up with a startle, which was quite usual. He didn't ever really sleep that well. Constant nightmares and his lanky figure made it impossible to ever get comfortable anyway.

It also didn't help that Remy just poured a glass of cold water on his head.

"What the fuck!?" Remus shouted jumping up from the couch he was on, shivering as water dripped down his spine. Wait, couch? 

"Bitch. Wake up." He said monotone. "You were like. Twitching and shit. Not a good look."

"Yeah, thanks. I'm sure there was no better way to wake me up.” Remus pulled his shirt over his head and squeezed out as much water as he could. There wasn't much there, but it was a statement. Remy looked at Remus with disgust as he put his shirt back on. 

“Remind me where am I again? What time is it? It's not the first time I've woken up in a random apartment but it's been a while. Much less with my cousin...wrong state for that I believe..." He rambled, pushing his wet hair out of his face. He looked around for his phone while Remy went around the back on the couch to the kitchen area.

"First of all, disgusting. Never say that to me again. And second, Its around 6am. Which is usually too god damn early for anyone. But, you're lucky I like you and Roman." He said, grabbing a mug from the dark wood cabinet. "Oh also you are in my apartment so dont fuck shit up please."

Remus lifted his head from looking under the couch. He tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, blinking around the room. He stood up and walked around a the table to the center of the room to see pretty much everything there is. 

"Your apartment? I thought you lived in like...a mansion with your parents." 

The place was actually quite small. A connected half kitchen and living room. Small tv on a small stand behind a coffee table in front of the light brown couch. There seemed to be two rooms off to the side, but the doors were closed. There was one window in the kitchen, and that was it. A few movie posters were on the wall and nick knacks but otherwise the place looked...normal. it wasn't very fancy, which is the opposite of what Remus expected.

"This is my secret apartment. The one where I go when I don't want to worry about being me. Don't tell anyone, you're lucky I let you be here!" Remy snapped.

Remus continued to look around but said nothing more, feeling that he had crossed a line somewhere.

Remy let out a long sigh and stopped making his drink. With his back turned to Remus he spoke again.

"Look.. I'm sorry. It's been a long night and now it's going to be a long day. I'm tired. Your phone is under the couch by the way."

"What? I looked there,” He said as he dropped back to his knees to check again, “ and It's fine. Just. Why are we worried ag-" and like a flip was switched, all the memories of last night flooded Remus' brain and he snapped up with his phone in hand. "ROMAN! have you found him? Where could he be!?" Remus raced into the kitchen, running into Remy. 

"Did you call anyone!? God he must be so mad! I'm the worst!" Remus continued pacing the room.

"Calm down! Of course I've called everywhere! But havent had any luck! It's only 6am so I couldn't call his work but I will when I can. I thought before then we could drive the way he went. See if he went home at all. The front desk at his apartment said they didn't see him come in last night but they could have missed him. It'll be a drive to get back to the countryside but we can make it. Here babe." He handed Remus a canister. "Its coffee. In the god awful way you like it."

"OoOooO thanks!" Remus said, taking a swig of the chocolaty, sweet coffee. "So. Are we gonna start with his apartment first?" 

"I think it's closer to here and the most likely place he is, yeah let's start there. But listen babes. He might be real mad still so don't push him alright?"

"I'm really worried, Remy. And I'm not usually like this...he's not usually mad like that either...I know I messed but ughhhhhh! Let's just go find him before I explode all over your nice, secret walls okay?"

"Gross hun... let's just go." Remy said, grabbing the keys hanging by the front door.

With that Remus followed Remy out to the hall of the building. After locking the door they took the elevator to Remy's car, but not the nice one he took last night.

"Where did this come from?" Remus asked, taking a seat on the passenger side.

"Last night I borrowed my dad's car and drove them there. But we took a carpool home. I told them I wanted to go out longer and they didn't question." Remy responded by turning the ignition key. "This car was the first I bought with only money I made. It's a piece of shit. And I love it." He finished pulling out of the parking space and turning onto the busy road.

Remus looked around the car. It seemed normal by any standard. Kinda small, a little dirty but it looked taken care of. Remus would have never have expected Remy to want to live like this. To each their own he supposed. It must be nice, he supposed, not having to keep up a facade all the time...

 "I had to do some research but I found where Roman lived. Have you ever been there? I haven't, so I might be wrong on the address." Remy broke Remus' train of thought.

Remus had to think on this question for a second, to restart his brain. Had he? He never really questioned it. He'd been to many of Romans homes before but had he been to this one? He couldn't recall..

"I don't think so but if the front desk recognized his name then he must live there."

"Yeah...that's what I thought too.." Remy said slightly nervously. He started tapping his fingers on the wheel as he drove.

"Why are you acting like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like weird.."

"I don't think I know what you mean.." Remy said ignoring Remus' tone.

"Listen dude what's up…" 

"I just...this isn't the best area of town. I live in my apartment about 75% of the time to escape my parents. I know this town, along with the areas to avoid. I was hoping I was wrong and he lived somewhere else. But let's just go there and make sure he's alright. Alright?"

"Alright.." Remus ended.

The rest of the ride was quiet as Remus just looked out the window. He had never been to this part of the main town before. He knew that there was a...not so great part of town. Every town has that. But this place looked run down. Old.

Most of the buildings seemed empty. Junk was thrown on the sidewalks, forgotten about. The road and sidewalks were cracked. The people walking around looked dull. It was hard to believe that this is the same town Remus lived in, just a different part of it. A part that Roman lived in…

Remus laid back in his seat staring forward as Remy pulled into a parking lot.

"Welp. We're here..I think. I'm actually quite surprised this place has a front desk at all if I'm being honest.. let's go. I'll ask which apartment is his." Remy encouraged.

Slowly Remus got out of the car and together they walked into the old building.

There was a front desk, surprisingly. Even more surprising was that there was a person behind it. 

There was a short lady behind the desk reading a very worn book. She had snow white hair and dark brown skin. He had both laugh and frown lines in her face. She looked as if she watched them build the whole town.

Remy took a deep breath and walked up to the desk and started to talk.

"Hi my name is Remy and I believe we talked on the phone late last night. We are looking for my cousin Roman. Do you know the apartment number?"

The woman didn't look up from her book, so, thinking she might not have heard him he awkwardly tried to speak up again. 

"Umm...excuse me…? He said a bit louder" 

Still, nothing. Remus shrugged his shoulders when Remy looked over to him.

"Don't look at me! I don't know what to do!" Remus whisper-shouted.

"Bish! You work with people! I don't! Talk to her!" He whispered back.

"Ugh! That's not how it works bitch!"

“I’m sure it helps!”

"Will you two shut up?!" Someone yelled. "This book is just getting good and you two are ruining it!"

Remy and Remus snapped their heads over the voice coming from behind the desk. The old woman was scowling at them harshly. 

"Sorry ma'am. Just looking for our friend. Which apartment is Roman Kingsleys?" Remy questioned quickly.

"Oh Roman?” The womens face opened up into a long smile. “What a sweet boy," her demeanor completely changed as if she was talking about a lifelong friend. "He didn't come home last night...probably at the theater, still. Poor boy. Always working. He's in 103 on the second floor. But I doubt he's home. I've been here all day. It wouldn't be the first time he's fallen asleep on stage" She let out a laugh that sounded like a mix between a window being wiped and a cackle.

After recovering slightly from the whiplash they just got from the woman, they thanked her and turned to walk to the stairs.

"Hold on now!" she stalked after them. They both froze in place. "Why do the likes of you want to go to his house? I can't just let anyone in!" She stopped right next to Remus. She barely came up to his shoulder, yet she was still terrifying. 

"I'm his brother! And this is his cousin! We are just here to say hi…" Remus uttered quickly. He didn't know why this woman made him so anxious. His family was 100 times scarier yet this woman shook him up. Something in the back of Remus' brain told him it was about threat vs action but he ignored that. 

"You better not be lying! That boy is the nicest person to walk in this hellhole." She sneered.

"No ma'am! Just here to see him!" Remy countered. "I-if you don't mind me asking though, how long has he lived around here?"

"Some cousin and brother you are if you don't know where he lives!" She laughed. Remy and Remus shuffled nervously in place. "He's lived here for about…. Ohh going on 3 years now? I think. He always tried to brighten this place up with flowers whenever he could. Recently though he's been  staying inside more. Poor child. I miss his humor. Tell him to come down here if he's up there! Give him a piece of my mind!" She finished as she stomped back to her desk, picking up her book and sitting in place, as if she never moved.

Remy and Remus smartly decided not to comment further. They continued their walk to the stairs. Each step was a bit wobbly but since there was no elevator, they had no choice. Though, judging by the look of things, they wouldn't have trusted the elevator anyway.

The walls had long straggling cracks going in each direction. At one point it looked like the walls might have been painted a baby blue or a similar shade. But years of no upkeep has left it looking grey at best. Cobwebs were strung up as if it was halloween decorations. The air smelled old and musty. The faint sound of dripping water could be heard from seemingly anywhere in the building. Yet it was eerily quiet as the boys approached Roman's apartment.

His door didn't stand out among the rest, which made Remus sad for some reason. He remembered when he would insist in the house that his door be painted a deep red color. Not it was just...bland. 

They both arrived at the door and stopped. They looked at each not quite knowing who should do what. Finally Remus had had enough and spoke up.

"What the fuck are we doing!? This is dumb. This trepidation is dumb! This isn't some horror fantasy bullshit! Let's go!" He shouted reaching for Roman's door handle. Slightly surprising both Remus and Remy, it opened.

Shaking the surprise off Remus busts through the door. 

"ROMAN! GET YO BITCH ASS UP!"

Taglist (ask to tag!):

@primaveradoodles @bluerosesbleedred

[brain-jarred]

Chapter 5. Cactus

Light. Not filtered through darkened glass or produced artificially. Real actual light. It was morning, and the sun was just beginning to rise. Hal began to run away from the facility, trying to cover as much distance away from it as possible. Param followed. They ran until the facility was a good distance away, and then they stopped. Hal looked at the sun, and then immediately regretted it. “Ow.” He said, rubbing his eyes. “What?” Param asked, concerned.

“The sun hurts my eyes, don't look at it.” Param just stared at Hal before also looking at the sun. They not only looked at it, they stared at it, confused. “It’s not hurting my eyes.” They said, “It must be because you still have human eyes, and I have the clearly superior robot eyes. “I dont care.” Hal said, continuing to walk. “We just escaped certain death, and we almost killed a child. I was afraid you were going to just be okay with going through with it.” “Uh.” Param looked surprised. “What!? No. I wouldn't be okay with that. I was afraid that you would be okay with it, and then I would have to go along with it.” They said, trying to hide the fact that they really didn't see any issue in it. Like it was just their job? But seeing Hal’s face back there… It made them not want to be like this.

They wondered how Hal did it, how he could be so callous yet caring. It was easy to see him as the cold one out of the two of them, it was easy to see him as the brains, and Param as the heart, but that really wasnt true. Hal still clung stubbornly onto his humanity, where Param only had small scraps of it left. Most of these scraps only remaining for Hal’s sake. 

But enough about that, they were out there. Outside. Param took a moment to look at their surroundings. The sunrise casted oranges and pinks across the sky and ground. And...sand. The ground was very sandy, and there was a strange- wait. “Oh my gosh, that's a real life cactus!” Param said, rushing over to the plant.

“Why are you like this- wait that's actually kind of cool-” Hal looked away and sighed. They had to admit, it was cool to see something new, even if it was a bit stupid to dilly dally when they were more than likely being chased right now.

“We need to focus.” He said, putting a hand on Param’s shoulder. “We can't mess around with a cactus, not when we are on the run like this.” Param made direct eye contact with Hal as they ripped off a chunk of the cactus. “Why.” Hal said exasperated. “You never know.” And then param walked away. “Wh- Where are you even going to put it?” Hal asked, following param. “Where do you think?” Param opened up their chest cavity and put the cactus in with the extra Nutrient Solution they always kept there.  “Okay then.” Hal said, accepting this. “Listen. We can't get distracted by random stuff, trust me, I am also tempted to lick the sand right now, but I won't, because I have a thing called self restraint.” “Why do you want to lick the sand?!” Param questioned. 

“WE CAN'T GET DISTRACTED!!” He dodged the question. He took a deep breath. “We are in a serious situation and I feel like you're not being serious.” Param was quiet for a moment.

 “Hal.” They began. “This is the worst day of my life. Everything I have ever known has crumbled around me. I don't know what we are going to do, I don't know if I will even make it out of this alive, I probably won't. I don't have much faith in that. I just...I want to spend what little time I have left having fun with you. I just want to savor this.” They said sincerely. 

And finally they broke down. “I’m so fucking scared, Hal.” They said, wrapping their arms around themself. “I'm scared and I don't want to die.” 

Hal hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say. They continued to walk as he leaned against Param. “Me too. I'm scared too.” he admitted. “I'm terrified of either of us dying. I don't want to lose you! That's why I am so focused on us getting away from that place because I don't want you to get captured.” He explained. 

“Maybe you think it's inevitable that they're gonna get us - and maybe it is- but look at us right now! Look at how far we’ve gotten. This is the farthest we've ever been from that place. I say that we keep pushing our luck. We can savor everything when we are safe.” Hal said, offering a reassuring smile with his eyes. Param thought for a moment before nodding. “Yeah. You're right. Let’s get to walking then.” “We are already walking.” Hal said, trying to lighten the mood. “You know what I mean.” Param smiled.

And so they walked. And walked. And walked. The sun rose and it bore down upon them, Param was unaffected by the heat, but Hal was another story. “Slow...slow down.” Hal said, stumbling after Param. His movements were sluggish, the two had been walking for an hour and a half at this point. “What's wrong? Did you look at the sun again?” Param asked, concernedly looking back at Hal. Hal stopped for a moment to just catch his breath. “It's too hot out here, the sun is cooking my brain.” He was exaggerating somewhat, but it really did feel like way. The psychic ectoplasm that made up his body wasn't able to sweat or cool him down. He dropped to his knees. “Oh jeez. Uh. Hm.” Param tapped their chin. They took a moment to consider their options. “Ok! I got it.” They said, snapping their fingers. They then leaned down, and picked up Hal, who immediately stood up. “Oh, uh. No thanks.” He said, wrenching himself away. He felt weird about letting Param carry him and he would rather not deal with those emotions at that second. He stood up, willing himself not to fall over again. “Alright then, get cooked then.” Param shrugged, and then started walking away. 

Hal followed.

And so the sun continued its path in the sky, eventually after a whole day of walking and mindless conversation, the sun dipped below the horizon. “We should probably stop.” Hal said, resting a hand on a rock. He looked really haggard, and his body was goopy. It left a blue residue on the rock where he sat his hand. “Yeah...I’m getting a bit tired.” Param admitted. They sat down. They were slightly nervous when the sun began to set, they didn't like the dark very much, but it was okay since the moonlight illuminated the desert well enough. Still, it put them on edge despite this. They didnt know why they were afraid of the dark. Hal also sat down, his lab coat was stained blue with all the sweaty psychic residue. He leaned back and sighed, glad to finally be out of the heat. A few stars poked out of the sky, tiny white dots in a sea of indigo The two just sat there for a few moments. The desert was quiet, and the research facility was far beyond the horizon, that place the two had lived in for the entirety of their living memories was out of sight now. Param was starting to regret leaving. Sure, killing an innocent child wasn't something that they liked, but she had only been one person! The rest of the people that they did vivisections on were guilty or already dying, it was fine! Everything had been fine. Param turned away from Hal, and sighed. Why? Why had such a simple look made Param throw away their entire work life? Now they were stranded in the desert, with no real sign of civilization. Maybe Param should have just ignored it. Maybe they should have shot Hal a glare, mentally told him to suck it up, and went through with the procedure-

“Hey Param? Can I have some of those uh- solution packets?” Hal asked, interrupting Param’s ugly thoughts. “Oh- Sure.” Param took out one of the packets and handed it to him, they then looked away into the distance, back the way they came. They looked and saw no sign of civilization, no sign of home. They just wanted to go home, and wanted this nightmare to be over. They just wanted a world where they weren't so impulsive, so reckless and foolhardy that they threw a fucking bonesaw at Dr. Brian. Dr. Brian was pretty nice, despite his cold exterior, Param knew that. They knew that this was the wrong way, this was the wrong path to take. But there was no going back. And so they laid down their head and sighed, trying to ignore Hal’s presence, trying to ignore the part of them that didn't regret it at all.

[p1nkwitch]

If I may one last director's cut: And the Nightmare Collapses? 👁️

Ask as many as you want i dont mind.

Oh my monster au, what to say? I had this in the backburner for a few months now. Originally i was going to make a series of one shots from different characters perspectives.

So first it was going to be Jon waking up from the coma and realizing that everyone were monsters but him sort of like a walking dead scenario. I had the clear picture of him seeing Georgie in her hald deaf state being like, what the fuck happened???

Now the entire idea came to mind with how pissed off i was at everyone in season four acting like Jon was the worst for no discernable reason. Like, Melanie, Basira and Georgie, all treated him in different levels rather cruely. Georgie wasnt so mean, but she was playing blind eye to the whole thing being fucked.

So Jon is the only one who remains human because he tries so hard to keep his humanity despite everything. While everyone else becomes more monstruos, Basira and Melanie in particularly were much more affected, i had a clear vision of a slaughter Mel. But had to keep it brief since Georgie wouldnt want to dwell on her becoming a monster, since now she had no way to deny it. Daisy gets a pass because while on the coffin she regains her humanity by her regret of what she became, its why her changes are minimal in the text.

The other one shots were supposed to be from Elias and Peter perspective with the last being them reuniting.

Now my original idea had no reasoning as to why they were monsters all out sudden. Its not until i realized the potential of the entities just dropping in a world similar enough where they already existed and they end up overcharging, while still carrying the vestigies of the apocalipse that i went like-

Hoy fuck.

Ultimately i am happy with the one shot the way it came out, with Elias being able to see, he was capable of tying up those little threads i wanted to make and make the reference to having an anchor. Anchors tie you to humanity, people are fundamentaly capable of good if they wish too, kindness even in the face of despair, destroys the horrors of the world.

The world wont fix itself, but you adapt and grown and try to make it better.

Now as for the story itself? I just wanted to go buck wild with the scenery of reality fracturing itself and Elias just losing it while perceiving the horrors and understanding far more than possible.

I like eldritch horror i just dont use it enough, or horror shorts in general, maybe i should put up the small ones i made in tumblr they are like a paragraph long each.

For realsies, I really like the idea of monster Elias for several reasons and i wanted to go with it. I have another different take on this verse of how things pan out too, but i will see eventually if i want to write it. There is... also the horny aspec of Peter being, as the fic implies, a monster fucker, not really he just loves Elias whatever shape he comes even if its some weird owl spider thing. If i ever feel brave enough to go thought it in an extra will shall see.

Anyways Jonah goes through life replacing people while manipulating them and toying with their sanity like he did to the ogElias in his interview. Despite being beholding, as per the soup theory, at this point he also represents the stranger, web and spiral fairly well. I have a soft soft for him losing the ability to recognize himself after a while. Because as i pointed out? He kept sort of a more or less stable life, sure, but it must be jarring having to go from one face to another, to have to pretend to be someone else, at least enough that its not glaringly obvious that something is wrong.

So he loses it. The fears overcharge and it all stacks up on him, causing his transformation to be so strong, it ends up consuming him. Not only that but he is vain too, so to be changed into something so horryifing it breaks something else in him, it gives him the idea that no one could want him now, he cant make people do as he says like this, he doesnt know himself and now no one would want to know him anyways. The more he changes the more he loses his sense of self, its not only him, he was so many people it feels weird to be just him, it doesnt fit anymore, so through the story he starts to use they until its what he mainly uses at the end, because he grows and its happy with it by the very end.

His body changes when he doubts himself, the more time it passes the more he forgets. Now the main reason he didnt become a puddle of ink and die, was because as i mentioned he thought about being alone, and it made him think of Peter, that was his last connection, the last thread to a humanity he wasnt sure he still had. When he thinks that he loves him, even if a little, its enough to let him move.

That small lifeline is what actually saved him and what kept him more or less stable for longer that he would have otherwise. Same goes to Peter whos last action before becoming one with his siblings was pick up the phone, the same though went through him, its why even if he was already at the brink of being melded he kept himself alive for longer.

Then there was the idea of copies.

Because, eyes? just the eyes?? I know it works with supernatural energy but, the doubt, the idea or posibility that Jonah Magnus actually died the moment he transplanted his eyes the first time and that Beholding merely put the copied memories of Jonah that it reatained into the new body was such a good concept, i have a special love for it, to not be sure if you are you, but ultimately chosing to live your life despite knowing that you may not be the real one.

I like to point out at the end that he does, that he is the original and that he is not a copy but... its not really proof, Jonah wants to believe it is. Wether is true or not? Thats up to anyone.

Also his monster concept, i toyed with a few options, and ended up adding it somewhat in the final product, originally he was going to be sort of an owl monster sort of mixed with a cat, no not for the joke, i saw really nice fanart of owlcats and i was in love. But as it is i went with something similar to his body in the afterlife beach party.

Instead of tar it was the ink of the letters he wrote, the static remains because he doesnt know his face anymore and he wont again. The fur... i just wanted something nice for later when Peter made his appearence, less sticky more fluffy. 8 arms like a spider, more eyes because of beholding- you get it.

Speaking of Peter!!

Here is the deal, i know or at least believe that the curruption? Is the oposite of the lonely and viceversa. Wanting to be alone vs being consumed by what you love? Perfect.

So the Lukases become amalgamations of fog trapped in a hive mind that they cant escape from. Forced to be together and then to be alone once someone manages to impose themselves like Nathaniel did. Peter could have theorically left his siblings become him, after Elias saw them, but in this, the closenes they shared was enought that he could not do it. <3<3

I wanted to play with the fact that being stuck with so many people, mainly his sisters while slowly melding into one, made him switch from pronouns feeling comfortable in all of them. Lydia, Judith and Clara were all nice and accidentaly he wanted to feel that nice, so he switches more often to her. It too, because at one point he was litreally nothing since the rest were rather happy being one.

Reality check comes and they all realize that, oh shit we fucked him up. Hence the road trip, unfortunately the melding was inevitable, either they became one or someone took charge. Still it gives them time to bond too, which adds to the decision to let them stay with him despite everything. Peter plays into a similar idea, but from a different perspective, you lose yoursef but become a different person. Luka is all of them being at peace with being one, being happy and wanting the same thing, but still mantaining some way to be apart. If i was being sappy i would liken it to a fusion in Steven Universe.

It wasnt as such at first, but later once Peter is the main body they can do it with less fear of dissapearing. It is also true that his feelings bleed out onto them and likewise to him. Its hard being a single being while simultaniously be 5 people in one.

They do love Elias, except for Clara who is mostly just enjoying the company while judging everyones tastes. It is also true that if this hadnt happened they would never have tried it. But life works oddly. Plus they are happy.

The world cant be fixed, but life sort of goes on and people adjust as they can.

Final note? I really, reeeeally wanted to have JME corpses just drop and have everyone freak out. There was a brief idea of having them alive and react to what they did to the world, but i did not want to deal with that many explanations. So yeah, they are dead.

AGAIN SORRY FOR GOING OFF!!! I NEED TO BE STOPPED.

D:

If you want to ask something in particular go ahead i have the ideas still fresh for this one in my head.