#i dont know what to expect that might be the scariest part . i dont have a script to read off of

[toxifoxx]

i need anxiety meds so bad jesus christ

[spnsoap]

Hi! Little prompt for you : Wolfstar and the Hanahaki disease. Have a great day !

Hi, thank you so much for the ask! i so sorry this took me a lot longer to write then i was expecting, I hope you like it !!

tw: mentions of death, a little gore

Jame’s had just gotten to platform 9 ¾ , and said goodbye to his parent’s before hopping on the train dragging his trunk behind him. He walked down the aisle peering into each compartment looking for Sirius, he knew Sirius had to be here somewhere cause he was always the first on the train of his friends.  James was almost to the back of the train when he looked to his left, and saw a familiar head of black hair and a black leather jacket. 

“Hey Sirius!” James pulled open the compartment door and hauled his trunk in behind him. Sirius looked up from the window he was looking out of, and cracked a smile.

“Ah finally some decent company” James let out a hearty laugh as he sat down across from him.

“What were you looking at, pads?”  James questioned with a small smirk on his face. Sirius whipped his head around and turned a light shade of pink before answering,

“What? Nothing.” James' smile widened with amusement as he raised his eyebrows at his best friend, but he didn’t question any further. Just then the door slid open again to reveal Remus, 

“Hey guys. Am i walking in on something?” he questioned, also with an amused grin on his face as he looked between James and Sirius. Sirius turned a brighter shade of red at this and turned back the window, not responding.

“Oh no, not at all moony dear friend,” James started, “it’s just pads here, has a crush!” Sirius shot him a glare and muttered a “Shut up prongs” 

Remus had sat down next to James who was saying “come on, who is it?” But Sirius didn’t respond, so they dropped the subject sitting in a comfortable silence until Peter came in, and the mindless chatter started.

“No way!! There's no way Mcgonagall would fall for that!” James had been saying before the compartment door slid open and Lily stepped in , with her arms crossed.

“Fall for what?” she questioned with an eyebrow raised and giving them a piercing look. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter had previously all been planning some of their pranks for throughout the year, before Lily entered. All previous conversation ceased as they looked up at her, and this time it was James whose face had turned a bright shade of pink.

“Oh nothing” James said cooley, while putting his elbow across the seat behind Remus' head so that his head was resting on his hand. This would’ve looked cool and nonchalant, if his elbow hadn't slipped causing him to fall forward onto Remus’ lap while also elbowing him in the back of the head. Lily simply rolled her eyes and was about to leave when one of her ravenclaw friends came up behind her to peer in at Remus. Remus quickly sat backup and fixed his hair once he saw the Ravenclaw boy looking in at them with a smile on his face.

“Hey Remus, you doin’ alright?” the Ravenclaw boy said with a flirty tone and twinkle in his eyes. Remus was very obviously flustered as he said “yeah, yeah great” now even brighter red than James was.

Sirius looked at the boy with anger and jealousy? But why was he jealous? He doesn't like the Ravenclaw boy, he doesn’t even know him. Sirius thought it must be because all the boys liked Remus, no one ever flirted with Sirius like that, yes that must be it. Sirius tore his eyes away from the sight, choosing instead to look aimlessly out the window.

“Dang Remus, who was the hottie?” Peter asked after the boy and Lily had left. Remus just buried his face in his hands in embarrassment, while Peter and James laughed and nudged Remus hyping him up. But Sirius couldn’t help but notice the smile on Remus’ face when he finally looked up from his hands. It was then that Sirius felt a tickle in the back of his throat and tried to clear it out.

“Hey anyone have a bottle of water?” he asked horsley. Peter grabbed some from his bag and handed it over to Sirius,

”You better not be getting sick Pads, the year hasn’t even started yet” James had said as Sirius took a sip of the water, Peter and Remus nodding in agreement

“Ah don’t worry it's just a tickle in my throat is all.” Sirius said with a smirk, he did hope he wasn’t getting sick.

---

Sirius supposed he must be getting a cold, because at the feast later that night he had started to get a cough. It was right when he noticed the ravenclaw boy staring at remus from across the hall. He didn’t think much of it until the next afternoon when they were in the common room during their off period. He had gone into a coughing fit.

“so, Remus whats up with this ravenclaw boy that keeps flirting with you” James had been saying

“i honestly don’t know, we’ve only met a few times before, i mean i dont even know his name-” Remus’ answer was cut of by Sirius trying to hold in a cough which just made him go into a coughing fit.

“Are you sure you’re alright Sirius? Maybe you should go to Madam Pomfreys” Peter had said

“No I’m fine, its just a cold is all” Sirius insisted, while the others continued to look concerned but didn’t bother to argue. this went on for a few days until finally one night, Sirius decided to go to bed earlier then his friends and went into a coughing fit. He could feel something in the back of his throat, he almost gagged on it as he coughed it up and it landed in the palm of his hand. A flower petal, a small white flower petal. How had he coughed up a flower pedal? Sirius decided to keep this to himself he didn’t need his friends fussing and insisting he go to madam pomfrey, so he stuck it in the drawer of the night stand next to his bed and layed down to go to sleep.

Over the next week it just got worse, until eventually he coughed up a whole flower, a daffodil, a white daffodil. It had become a problem in his classes too, going into coughing fits every so often, until finally Mcgonagall sent him to Madam pomfreys. He insisted that he didn’t need to that it was just a cold.

 “Oh come on Minnie, It’s just a cold. i don’t need to go to madam pomfreys”  But she was more stubborn and, finally, he gave in. 

“Alright Alright im going” and he picked up his bag and started the walk over to the infirmary.

“hmm this is most unusual, i’ve only seen this a small handful of times” Madam Pomfrey had said, “what you’ve got Black, is called the Hanahaki disease” 

“Im sorry the what disease?” madam pomfrey made a small grunt of frustration

“The Hanahaki disease, its an extremely rare disease where the patient coughs up flower petals, it’s caused when someone suffers from a one sided love” she had a sad look on her face now. 

“well how do you cure it?” Sirius was more then ready to stop coughing up flowers, but madam pomfrey didn’t respond right away. She didn’t bustle off to get some potion for him to drink, she didn’t assure him that he’d be out of there in a couple days, or hours. She just stood there with a sad look on her face, until in a very quiet voice she responded

“it stops when the love is returned, or- or when- when the patient dies.” Sirius stared at her dumbfounded, he was going to die? 

“I- I’m going, to die?” he continued staring up at her from the bed he was sitting on. she let out a small sob and nodded slowly.

“I must go inform your head of house and the head master” she said quickly before bustling off to her office. Sirius couldn’t believe it, was he really going to die? there was still a chance though, if Remus could love him back, but he quickly shut that idea down. That wasn’t going to happen. 

Sirius layed down, resting his hands over his stomach and his ankles crossed, he stared up at the ceiling. Of all the times he thought he might die, this time was by far the scariest, his love for Remus was quite literally, was going to kill him. he could feel his eyes filling up with tears as he let out a shaky breath, and quickly blinked them away.

he wasn’t quite sure how long he was laying there before he heard voices, hushed whispers he couldn’t quite make out. He sat up slowly, using his hands to prop himself up, looking around for who was talking. He looked to his right to see madam pomfrey, mcgonagall, and dumbledore, they noticed him watching and made their way over.

“why the long faces?” sirius cracked a smile for a second before it disappeared. 

“so McG, how long have i got?” He said with false enthusiasm, and she let out a small, sad, chuckle.

“well madam pomfrey estimates a little- a little over a week” Sirius’ smile fell, he hadn’t expected to have such little time.

“oh,” he paused for a minute, a sad silence falling over them, “I don’t want anyone to know- please. and i can keep going to classes right?” he said the last part with a hopeful glint in his eyes. Madam pomfrey had looked surprised at this 

“go to classes? I must insist you stay in here” 

“no please i want to go to classes, i can’t stay in here until- until- please” he looked up at them with sad but hopeful look on his face.

“oh alright, there isnt much i can do anyways, but i must insist that if it starts to get bad you come here immediately” she said after a long pause 

“as for not telling your friends, if you dont wish for them to know then we have no right to tell them. although it is my personal opinion that you should, your friends care deeply for you. yet i will not make you” Dumbledore spoke for the first time, as he looked sadly at Sirius.

---

the next week went pretty normally for the most part. James, Remus, and Peter had gotten increasingly more worried with each passing day, but gave up pestering Sirius about it, because each time they would he would get annoyed or just change the subject. It was nice that they cared but he just didn’t want them to treat him any different than usual, which they were sure to do if he told them he was dying.

Sirius was in their dorm alone having another coughing fit, he could feel the flower in the back of his throat, except it felt longer, was more painful. He could feel it scratching his throat as it cam up slowly until the head of the daffodil was in his mouth. He reached into his mouth and pulled it out the rest of the way, gagging as he did so. He gasped for breath as the flower fell on to his bed, he could taste the metallic flavor of the blood in his throat.  He looked down at the flower on his bed, a beautiful white daffodil, stem and all. this wasn’t the last one with a stem, oh no far from it. 

they got worse as time went by, he had to excuse himself at least once per class period so he could pull out the flowers. All his teachers were informed of his disease, so they never tried to stop him. by the end of the week his throat had been scratched raw, and he was coughing blood regularly.

---

Sirius knew he only had a few days left if that, when James had walked in on him siting on his bed crying softly. James didn’t ask what was wrong, he didn’t say anything. He just walked over to Sirius and hugged him, it was almost like he knew, like he knew Sirius’ time was limited. they sat like that for awhile, Sirius sniffling every now and then with James’ arm wrapped around him.

it was 2 days latter when Sirius walked out of charms and headed straight for the bathroom, he could feel it in the back of his throat as he all but ran to the bathroom. He burst the door open running over to the sink as he tried to cough up the daffodil. This one was much worse then usual, he could feel the blood in the back of his throat with the daffodil. he fell onto his knees, his hands in front of him holding himself up. his vision was blurry as gagged and choked on the flower trying to get it out. when he felt a pair of arms around him, someone was calling his name.

“Sirius, Sirius!” it was Remus, he must’ve followed him when he walked out of class. it was another few seconds before Sirius finally coughed up the flower, and quite a bit of blood too. But he still couldn't breathe properly, he felt his eyes brimming with tears as he thought, this is it, im dying, he heard Remus yelling for James.

“JAMES! JAMES GET IN HERE!” he heard the door fly open and a few seconds later felt another pair of hands helping him up. he looked back at the floor, it was a gruesome sight, a pool of blood with a disturbingly beautiful snow white daffodil in the middle. It took sirius a minute to realize that they were walking, that they had left the bathroom already, in fact they were almost to the infirmary. 

Sirius could hear crying, was it remus? was he crying? he heard another set of doors open and Peter yelling for help. Peter, when did Peter get here? had he been here the whole time?

madam pomfrey came rushing over telling James and Remus where to lay Sirius down. He heard her insisting that they leave, that they wait outside. He heard their protests, saying they wanted to stay with their friend. Sirius had started to cry, he didn’t want to go, he didn’t want to leave his friends.

---

Remus was sitting in charms with Sirius, James, and Peter when Sirius stood up abruptly and rushed out. Sirius had done this almost every class period. Remus looked over at james and peter who also wore concerned expressions. 

“come on” muttered remus, and they all stood up and followed after sirius.

Sirius had been sick ever since the train ride to school and every time any of them brought it up he got frustrated and changed the subject. well no more they wanted to know what was wrong and they weren’t leaving till the got them.Not only this, but he had been acting even weirder since his trip to madam pomfreys last week when mcgonagall had made him go.

“i’ll go in and see if he’s alright, and you two wait out here, sound good?” remus looked at James and Peter who both nodded in agreement. 

remus opened the bathroom door and walked in to find sirius kneeling on the floor with a very small pool of blood under where his head was hanging. “oh my gosh” remus said quietly, rushing over to him. remus fell down to his knees next to sirius, and wrapped his arms around him. 

“sirius, sirius!” remus tried to get his attention but he didnt respond. his coughs were shaking his whole body as he coughed something up, was it? was that a flower? he coughed up a lot of blood, they were now almost sitting in a small pool of it. remus thought maybe sirius would be able to catch his breath now he had coughed up the flower but he couldnt. remus could hear sirius trying, and failling to breath in enough air. they needed to get him to madam pomfreys, but remus couldnt get sirius up on his own.

“JAMES! JAMES GET IN HERE!” James burst in through the door, and only froze for a second at the sight before rushing over to sirius’ other side to help him up.

“we need to get to madam pomfreys” remus informed jamesas they lifted him up, one arm over each of their shoulders. they walked with sirius in between them down to the infirmary, as they walked sirius had started to cry still trying to breathe properly

“it’s alright” james had started whispering to sirius, although he was so out of it, he probably didn’t hear him. 

once they got to the infirmary peter went ahead of them to hold open the door and call for madam pomfrey.

“madam pomfrey, help! its sirius!” she was there in an instant directing them where to put him down,,

“there that bed there, set him down. nice and easy now.” as soon as they had let him down madam pomfrey was telling them to wait outside.

“i need you guys to wait outside, you dont need to see this” they immediately started protesting.

“no im not leaving!”

“he needs us!”

“we’re his friends!”

but they gave in and waited outside.

as soon as they were outside remus collapsed into a ball onto the floor, and started crying. James and Peter sat next to him, James putting his arm around him and pulled him into his side.

“is he going to die? there was so much blood, he was covered in it” Peter had said quietly in his squeaky voice.

“dont talk like that peter, of course not” james had said, even though he wasnt quite sure he believed it. they sat there for a small moment before remus finally spoke.

“i love him” was all he said, in a soft, broken voice. “i can’t lose him, i- i cant”

James pulled him closer and said “i know, i know you do moony” James was letting his tears fall freely now as he rested his head on remus’

---

sirius rolled over onto his side hacking and coughing, he could see madam pomfrey there holding a bin for him to cough up anything he needed to. when suddenly he could breathe again, just like that. he took in a deep breathe and let it out, doing that a few times. his vision started clearing up, everything wasn’t so black, he rolled over onto his back and took a deep breath of sweet sweet fresh air.

----

a/n: sorry this ended up being much longer then i originally intended,  anyway i hope you enjoyed! i might post this again later but not sure yet.. also if this is terrible im so sorry, i havent  written in ages and i didnt proof read this 

[mad-ncity]

Told You | Mafia!Yuta x Reader

this has to do with the recent reaction post i made it goes more in depth about yuta’s reaction and how it went down. hope yall like it!!

its been your goal since you met yuta to scare him

and even though yuta could be relaxed around you he never flinched or showed any fear when you tried to freak him out

though in the time you two have been dating you have managed to scare other members such as taeil a couple times but never haechan that man is the scariest man here although thats beside the point

today was another day that you attempted to scare your boyfriend

and honestly you thought you had got him this time

he had no idea you were behind him and you were absolutely going to freak him out with the mask you had on

you tapped on his shoulder and-

“Oh hey y/n what the hell is on your face?”

you pulled off the mask hastily which made your hair a bit messed up

“why dont you get ever scared?”

“babe im in the mafia. i was beaten as a kid and thrown into terrifying situations that no kid should have to go through. i dont get scared anymore.”

you poked his chest “that sounds like a challenge and i gladly accept”

“whatever i have stuff to go do so why dont you go back to our apartment and ill meet you back there in a little bit” he pulled you towards him and kissed the top of your head

you smiled at him and nodded your head “okay ill see you later yuta”

you left the hideout and started your way back home

the sun was setting it was nearly dusk but you knew this route like the back of your hand

you was casually walking when someone bumped into you knocking you down

“I am so sorry! here let me help you up”

the man pulled you up off the ground but not letting you go he pulled a gun out and held is discretely between your back and him

“Walk”

he led you into an alley where there was a truck lying in wait

“this is kind of cliche dont you think?”

“shut up or ill shoot you”

“right got it”

you suddenly felt extreme pain in your leg

“I told you to shut up”

he then threw you into the van while you passed out from the pain

yuta started to make his way home around midnight

he didnt want to worry you earlier but he had a tough job to do today and he needed to be sure you were home by the time he left for his job

“y/n im home”

he took of his shoes at the door and waited for you to poke your head out like you usually did

that was one thing he loved about you

you always stayed up and waited for him

but when you didnt come out he knew something was wrong

from the looks of it you hadnt even made it home your shoes werent anywhere in sight

suddenly his phone started ringing and he immediately answered it without looking to see who it is

“y/n is that you?!”

“yuta. this is taeyong. you need to get back here now. youre not going to like this”

with that taeyong hung up and yuta ran back out the door

when he got back to the hideout he rushed in and saw everyone huddled around in a room

when he pushed through everyone he thought his heart would stop

there you were wrapped in bandages and bruises laying on a makeshift cot

“what the hell...do we know who did this?” 

taeil stepped forward and moved your arm ever so slightly so that yuta could see what was written on it

it was a phone number

mark then spoke up “the phone number is an international one. specifically japan. though i couldnt get the owner of it i think we all know who did this”

yutas knuckles were white from how hard he was clenching his fists

everyone filed out and left him alone in there with you

he knelt down next to you and held your hand “y/n i swear im going to make sure this never happens again” he kissed your hand and then left

he made it outside and called the number 

“took you long enough to call me. i was starting to get worried that i beat up the wrong person! glad to see my men didnt screw up this time”

yuta was shaking in his shoes “what do you want dad”

yuta could hear his dad chuckle into the phone “always straight to the point. thats what ive always admired about you, son”

“cut the crap just tell me what you want”

“fine, fine. i want you to come back. youve had your fun here in korea but its time you came back and i thought that my message would be more widely received if you saw what would happen if you said no. but next time your little toy will be dead. ill text you an address. you better be there.”

with that his dad hung up

and yuta was pissed

once he got the text he would have ran but someone stopped him

“where are you going?”

taeyong walked up to yuta and waited for his answer

“im going to where my father is. you cant stop me so dont even try”

taeyong threw his hands into the air “hey man i wasnt going to. i just thought that you might need someone to go with you”

“why would you want to go? dont you have other things to do?”

taeyong puckered his lips and bobbed his head around “yeah but it seems like your father wants to take a valuable asset from my gang and its part of my job as the boss to make sure everything is going as smoothly as possible and its my job as your friend to make sure that you dont make any decisions youll regret”

“aww the boss cares”

“shut up and get in the car”

so the two of them went to where the address was and got out of the car and into the warehouse

“you know, your dad is very cliche”

“yeah hes always been predictable like this. anyways you should stay out here. if you hear anything then you come in. nothing should happen but its always good to have some backup”

taeyong nodded his head and yuta went in

“glad to see you could make it son. though youre a bit later than i expected. well as long as youre here. lets go”

mr. nakamoto turned around to leave with all his grunts

“im not going dad. im just here to tell you my last goodbyes.”

mr. nakamoto stopped in his tracks and swiftly spun around

“your what?”

“I seem to have left you with the wrong idea when i left for korea. i meant that as a final goodbye but i guess you didnt get it. i am done with you and the yakuza. im happy here and theres nothing you could do to make me leave. so this is it. goodbye, father.”

yuta was walking towards the exit when he stopped “oh yeah and if i ever see you or your men around y/n again i will personally make sure that you and your little syndicate will be nothing but dust.”

taeyong and yuta made their way back to the base where you were up already

when yuta saw you awake he ran in and hugged you

“god y/n i was absolutely terrified that I had lost you. I am so sorry about this it will never happen again.”

you could hear the emotion in his voice and you kissed his cheek as the hug came to an end but you had another thought on your mind

“what are you smiling about? you were shot and could have died”

“I told you I could scare you”

[achieveandhunt]

live typing extra life 2019

part 2

warning: this was a mistake and i’m in the grapes

this starts right at Facilities vs AH. link to first post

let’s fuck some shit up babEY

oh what the fuck they’re playing a prerecorded video

last year was a fuckin doozy, nobody forget that

“legends of the under achiever” i didn’t know someone wrote my biography

why do i hear geoff screaming “FIVE FUCKIN FOUR” in my head, like in the legends of the hidden temple minecraft videos

jeremy looks. so dead inside on this fine november evening

ryan buzzing while they’re trying to explain the rules

my video quality went down so much that i thought i was watching someone playing roblox for a second

ryan “salty mother fucker” haywood has made a lovely appearance. he’s my favorite

michael and lindsay looking so domestic makes me so happy,, they’re my parents

someone donated under the name “ryan goes feral” uh??? yeah? you say that like it’s a bad thing??

oH FUCK MICHAEL GO DRIVE WIN PLEASE

jeremy HAS BROKEN OUT THE GLASSES SHIT’S SERIOUS

NO THEY’RE LOSING GOD DAMMIT

ʳʸᵃⁿ ᶦⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᶜᵏᵍʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ, ᵠᵘᶦᵉᵗˡʸ: ʰᵉˡᵖ

JEREMY IT’S TIME TO TEST OUT THAT NONEXISTENT GAG REFLEX AND SWALLOW THE OPPONENT’S CONTROLLER

oh nvm they’re winning again lmao

OH FUCK thEYRE LOSING

oh nvm

OH FUCK

oh nvm they unplugged his contoller lol

OH FUCKING TH EY LOST MICHAEL JONES MY HEART IS BROKEN

the amount of people watching has gone up from 32k to 40k in the past fifteen minutes

michael “hurry up you dumb cunts” jones

“oh don’t worry about destroying our cabinet, it’s essentially matchsticks”

“how are you feeling john? are you ready for this?” “MM M M Mmm mM”

TEAM NICE DYNAMITE IS NEXT AND IM READY FOR PERMANENTLY RINGING EARS FROM ALL THE LEET DONATIONS

oH god here we go

“hopefully they haven’t been saving them all day” oh honey. you’ve got a big storm coming

if xavier slaps gavin i think gav might go up in a puff of smoke

i did the math, they went up 45k+ within five minutes of team nice dynamite showing up on stream

GAVIN AND MICHAEL ARE GOING TO DIE

THERE’S GONNA BE A MOONBALL SIZED HOLE IN GAVIN’S CHEST

ryan and lindsay both donating a grand during this segment... so good

the day gavin free successfully gets a tattoo is the day i drop dead

lindsay saying she didn’t want the TND tattoo on michael but she agreed because gav is michael’s boi :((( 

i’m too sleep deprived for this i might cry

oh god michael’s punching the floor

i’m too sober for this

EIGHTY EIGHT LEET DONATIONS IN TWENTY MINUTES HOLY FUCJKIGN SHIT YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE THROWING MOONBALLS FOR FUCKIN SIX YEARS

on a sentimental note- i love how much collective love we have for gav and michael,, they deserve it all

milk boarded has some not-so-great connotations attached to it

gavin “the bullshit bitch” free

a mark nutt reference?? in my 2019 extra life????

this just in: sarah is going to obliterate gavin

oh. oh my god. that was the sound of a wet fish smacking a wall

why is jeremy the liquor goblin walking like a crab that has a bird attached to its back??? see: flapping arms

that beer and milk concoction... gag

“drink that milk yard”

“YOU GOT MY TOES MILKY”

no. nO MICHAEL NO YOUR INTESTINES NOO

michael “the milk’s in my brain” jones

“stop pouring it on people!” “iT’S HARD DICKHEAD”

lindsay is now. taking a milk shower

*caiti brings a small roll of paper towels* *gavin gently places a single paper towel on the massive puddle of milk*

no LINDSAY NO THINK OF THE CHILDREN

gavin: this has gotten way out of hand. she’s... she’s swimming in an inch of milk! everyone knows you should swim in at least two!!

the fajita seasoning will solve everythinG everyone calm down

fiona: yeah this is my first extra life. jack: and what were you expecting? fiona: this. exactly this.

ah yes. the bunny suits have arrived and michael is ready to tackle gavin

aaaand here comes the AH fanfic. it can only get worse from here so buckle up fuckos

“holy fuckeroni”

“re-reanimated trevor”

michael is so fucking smashed and god i wish that was me

“cum-ductor”

fiona “this is a white man” nova

“bone-ating” *leet donation* *leet donation* 

“ready set blow” made me genuinely bust a lung laughing

aaaand michael’s licking the floor which is to be expected

jeremy “i’m gonna actually harm you” dooley

IF ONE MORE PERSON BRINGS UP RANCH IM GOING TO WALK TO AUSTIN AND PROJECTILE VOMIT ON THE OFF TOPIC SET

no JEREMY NO YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE I THOUGHT YOU WOULDN’T DO THIS GET OFF THE F  L O O R

don’t get close ups on jeremy’s tongue. don’t do that to me. i don’t want nightmares

“fuck root” “let’s just fucking fuck”

1 2 3 CONSENT

michael has gone full gerkie

alfredo’s look when larry is reading the part about trevor choking him is how i feel about everything that’s happened in the past twenty minutes

almost 300k in less than an hour 

fiona saying “i don’t want this” overlaying michael humping a trash can

“TAKE THE TACO CHAD”

aaaand michael’s in the trash can

nO why is there a triangle is this a POETRY READING ALL OF A SUDDEN

oh thank god it’s over

OH FUCK THERE’S A N EPILOGUE

aaand trevor’s dead again. poor treyco

DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS EVERYONE PUT A CUP IN YOUR PANTS

people singing along... what goes on

why am i downloading this fuckin song asap

jeremy turning his phone flashlight on and waving it like he’s at a concert god dammit i love these people so much

those are my BOYS

oh my gosh they’re still singing the song. why is my heart so happy from this i need to get slapped

“come on you’ve never been waterboarded before gavin?”

everyone standing in a circle shining their flashlights at gavin

someone surprise them and instead of a moonball just yeet a whole gallon of milk at them

actually, on second thought, no

OH god GavIN Is GOING to Die 

gavin “i forgot to breathe” free

several milk explosions

gavin “my brain is cold” free

michael has milk dripping from his ears

i’m about to pass out i don’t know what’s happening

michael is in the grapes right now man

how many moonballs? oh, only 107. :)

i’m not writing this part- you guys have to watch the moonball segment yourself, if you didn’t watch it live!

team nice dynamite finishes up with over 300k!! holy shit, that’s so cool! this community is awesome

werewolf is up next!

xavier is such a gentleman can we keep him

alfredo: *chooses to kill miles* trevor in the audience: *silently freaking out*

xavier is about ruin another man on stream

miles has no self preservation instinct

barbara is now smelling fiona

this just in: i love alfredo and 100% would have done the same thing

trevor running up to film alfredo getting smacked. what an icon

alfredo SCREAMING oh my god i felt it in my soul

the high-five of the backs in solidarity of intense pain

miles choosing alfredo is so fucking good

and also, i feel so bad 

his heart might shoot out of his asshole this time guys

oh NOOO HE’s so bruised :(((( fredo nooo :((

oh my god it’s gotten to the usual point in the stream where you start to question whether someone is going to die this time

rip blaine but at least i think he can take the hit

he can but ouch it still hurts me 

barbara “i’m participating in the game” dunkleman

yo miles might win this game

the crowd when someone needs to shoot barb: TREVOR TREVOR TREVOR! trevor, with the strength of a thousand suns: N O

people are now chanting about shooting an unprotected trevor. the man already died once this stream god dammit

alfredo is about to throw hands for fiona

that’s a big F in the chat for miles, but his loss is well deserved

xavier’s hands could serve as a defibrillator

alfredo showed jeremy his chest and jeremy shied away as if he was looking at the sun

 --- i’m taking another break to finish an assignment---

i’m barely alive and it’s ready set show time 

oh god please no more shock collars

i’m so fucking tiiiiredd please take thge res t of this post  wigth  a grain of salt lbecasue i can hardly type at this ponitn 

“do you want to control the shock collars” “will there be repercussions” “no” “fuck yeah i’ll do it then”

“smother the children. steal the baby” “DONT STEAL THE BABY TREVOR”

lunging forward “s c a r e  t h e  b a b y” “OKAY I’M PASSING THIS ONE”

“you can’t bake popcorn????” jeremy hits the floor

alec and matt clearly = dream team

oh thasnk god the shock collars are on their arms now i was stressed out for chris earlier

this stream does not promote recreational nyquil usage 

i don’t even know how to explain the pure insanity of what ready set show has become

alec has become this whole segment

i would write more but i have no thoughts because my brain doesn’t work

larry “makes people fuck other people besides their wife” insert last name that my brain can’t come up with

anyways. marbles

oh. no marbles

i’ve blacked out idk what happened during backwardz compatible

i mean i was awake but does that really mean anything at this point

SPPOKU PSOOKY SPPOKKKY SPOOOKY !!! FUCL YEAH 

cole is so good during this segment

oh so many 1337s right away 

the real scariest thing during the segment: being genuine

oH my god the scream being pitched up. i have fucking dogs outside of my house now

i don’t fuck w/ ghosts no thank you

“aba-jail” wow if u guys weren’t gonna get haunted before you will now

okay i’m about to pass out i have to take a nap

oH fucking I SLEPT until thirty minutes before the en d  fuck

conclusion: this community is incredible and raised an unimaginable amount of money for charity. the fact that rooster teeth does this every year is awesome, and honestly, it makes me feel hopeful in times when things aren’t so great. so yeah! for the kids & stuff 

[logarto]

do you mind if i ask what exactly you dont like about tma? i didnt enjoy it either but i cant work out why :(

omg theres a few things ill put it under da cut. bear in mind im only 30ish eps in

THE VOICE ACTING IS SO COMICALLY BAD LOL. johnny sims himself is ok (hes pretty hammy sometimes though) but every time they have a verbal statement its shockingly bad. its so awful. idk why it seems to be a drama podcast universal that they cant hire decent female voice actors

the statements themselves are incredibly formulaic and rely really hard on like. idk. “meat is YUCK” “spiders are YUCK” “blood is YUCK”. its always the exact same script which while not inherently a flaw in say a monster of the week format, i really dont think it works w a podcast where you cant vary up the visuals at all, especially one where you have the same single actor for 90% of it

its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW. im 30 episodes in and theyre JUST NOW getting to the first vague semblance of what might eventually become the plot. thats like 12 hours in man. thats 3 seasons on netflix worth of nothing. ive dedicated so much time to this and really got not much out of it. 

the format itself doesnt work at all for horror imho. when you have a statement you know the person who gave it survived so that detracts a big chunk of the suspense. the show also has a problem with not being able to keep any mystery or ambiguity. like its not even handholding at this point, they really drag their audience right off their feet. theres very little trust, they always overexplain and give way more than is needed, when in horrors and thrillers its often the bits left unsaid that are the scariest

related to above but LMAO HOW CAN THEY EXPECT ME TO REMEMBER CHARACTERS NAMES? they mention someones name ONCE at the start of the episode and then 10 eps later speak abt them as if i should know who that is? come on. 

i dont even hate this show like i think its not BADLY written. the statements themselves are fine for the most part, just feels like someone who perhaps hasnt perfected their craft yet, it probably gets better further on as they get more practice. its just not the amazing incredible showstopping wow drama podcast everyone hyped it up to be. yet at least. but given that the yet is after investing 12+ hours………. well. its not unlistenable but the only ep ive like really actively ENJOYED rather than passively absorbed is the cannibal priest one, and even then only the first half. second half ruins it a bit

[flowerpowell]

The Boy Next Door (Logan x MC / Colt x MC)

PART TWO

A/N: Hello everyone, part two of this wonderful college AU, slow burn series is already out! As always, the characters belong to PB, I only borrow them. I hope you’ll enjoy today’s chapter, please dont forget to leave some feedback cause it makes me happy! 

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1919

Tagging: @brightpinkpeppercorn @confessionsofabrokegirl @akrenich @lovehugsandcandy @walkerduchess @desiree-0816 @emceesynonymroll @emichelle @hellomynameisdevi @client-327 @liamzigmichael4ever @badchoicesposts @choicesarehard @blackcatkita @pixel-thirsty @donutsgirl36 @drakeismyweakness @maccuswielle @miss-raleigh-carrera ♥

“And this year’s winner of the Nobel Peace Prize is... Ellie Wheeler, the president of the United States!”

“Thank you! Thank you for your trust, for appreciating me! I promise to continue doing good, I promise to continue being the best president the United States has ever had. I promise--” A sudden noise startled her. “Excuse me! Can you turn off your phone? This is the Nobel Academy, show some respect! As I was saying--” she tried to continue but more phones began to ring. “Turn off your phones, people!! This is my moment of glory!”

“Miss Wheeler? This is your phone ringing.”

“No, it’s not! Shut up! SHUT UP!”

“Shut up!”

Ellie was jolted awake by her phone ring and being still half asleep, she took her phone to turn it off. Why it is so loud at only seven forty-five? It’s Saturday, I should be sleeping. Stupid technology. She put her phone back on the nightstand and went back to her comfortable position only to jump out of bed the next second.

It was not Saturday, it was Friday. And she had classes at eight.

“No, no, no, no!!!” She hastily put on some clothes and sprinted out of her room. There was no time for make up or for breakfast, not even for coffee. It was her first Friday at uni and she heard professor Ortega was one of the scariest ones. She really didn’t want to be late.

Colt was watching a movie and sipping coffee when she ran downstairs and started putting on her shoes like crazy.

“Colt, you’ve got to help me!” she yelled from the hallway.

“It’s not Halloween yet,” he yelled back and she rolled her eyes. Maybe she should have put on at least some makeup.

“Please, Colt, I’m gonna be late for this class and I can’t be! I know you have a car, please, please, please, pleaseeeeeeee!” She really didn’t want to ask him for help but there was no other way. They hadn’t talked much those past few days, only a few of “Good morning,” “coffee?,” “good night!,” “may I?,” (from Ellie) and “morning,” “yes,” “no,” “please stop talking” (from Colt).

“Why can’t you skip school today? You have like four more years of that.”

“It doesn’t exactly work like that, Colt. Pleaseee, save me, I have ten minutes! If I’m late, the prof will HATE me and fail me, I won’t graduate, I’ll never get any job, I’ll be unemployed and without any money, Logan will dump me, I’ll be homeless, then I’ll get sick cause I always get sick when I’m outside for too long, especially if it’s raining, I won’t have any money for meds and I will DIE! Do you want to kill me?” She pouted, trying her best to look cute and innocent so that Colt would break. He rolled his eyes and got up, turning off the TV.

“Fine, fine, just stop, stop!”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she cheered, throwing her hands around Colt’s neck. He shot her an annoyed look and she quickly put distance between them. Small steps, Ellie, small steps. He’s gonna like you or else I’m not Ellie Wheeler. He MUST like you. You’re too likeable. She smiled to herself but her smile faded a few seconds later during the quietest car drive she ever experienced.

“So... Do you have any plans for today?” Ellie asked in hopes to start a conversation. In response, Colt turned on the radio and turned the sound up.

Small steps, Ellie. Small steps.

~~~~

“I know it sucks, Ellie, and I’m so sorry but I really couldn’t say no.”

Logan’s heartbroken voice filled the silence around her when she was walking back to the apartment after classes.

“So... you’re not coming this week?”

“I’m so sorry, Ellie. I really wanted to but my boss...”

“I know, I know. You couldn’t say no,” she sighed. She was really looking forward to this weekend since Logan was supposed to vist her and she missed him more than she could admit. But apparently Logan’s boss had different plans for him and Ellie was mad. Mad at Logan’s boss for finding him something to do, mad at Logan for not being able to say ‘no’ and mad at herself for wanting so bad to study here.

“I’ll visit you next month for our first anniversary! That’s a promise! I would never miss it. I love you, Ellie.”

“Yeah... I love you, too,” she said and ended the call. When she called him to tell him all about the new professor she was so excited and didn’t expect her mood would be ruined.

When she entered the appartment, Colt was still there, flipping through some papers and Ellie suddenly felt angry.

“Don’t you have a job to get to? How do you even afford this house if all you do is sitting on your ass for days?”

Colt turned to her, his eyes widened at her outburst and she felt embarrassed when she realized she shouldn’t have been so awful to him. He studied her face for a moment and finally spoke, his voice calm but with a pinch of pretended hurt.

“Why are you so rude to me? I saved you from being late, failing, being unemployed and homeless, and from dying. Is that how you show your appreciation?”

She chuckled but quickly composed herself. “I’m sorry. Logan just told me he is not coming this week and I miss him and I was mad at him, not at you of course. But he promised me and I really wanted to see him! And he also promised to help me with my assignment that is due on Monday and now I’m left all alone and... and you probably don’t even care about it. Anyways, I’m sorry,” she mumbled, forcing herself to walk away, go to her room, close the door and cry for a bit. Surprisingly, however, Colt stood up and she could see concern on his face.

“What assignment?”

She shrugged, “I thought you didn’t care.”

“I don’t. But if you’re gonna be depressed for a whole weekend I’d rather help you with it myself than live with a zombie.”

“I have this huge term paper to--”

“Term paper? Term? It’s been only the first week! Why do you need to write it now?!”

“... As I was saying,” she kept on ignoring Colt’s question, “it’s a huge term paper. With several parts and I have to do the first part by Monday. It’s about criminals’ rehabilitation and for the first task I need to find an ex-criminal and run an interview with them. I needed Logan for that cause it can be dangerous and he apparently knew the guy. Besides, I’m not the best at meeting new people.”

“Well, no shit,” Colt ran his hand through his short hair. He thought for a second before speaking again. “I think I can help. My friend was released from jail recently. She’s not very dangerous though she might bite if you’re too annoying.”

Ellie’s eyes widened at his proposition. Was he actually nice to her? “I—I,” she stuttered before clearing her throat and smiling, “I would love that. Thank you.”

~~~~

She regretted agreeing right after meeting Colt’s friend. Mona was even less friendly than Colt. If that was even possible.

“Listen, I don’t appreciate your little uni making me feel like I’m an animal in the circus,” she said to her when Ellie told her about her assignment.

“It’s not like that--”

“It’s not? Question one, how is your life different from before the jail? Question two, how to people treat you knowing you’ve been in jail?” Mona read the questions from the interview and Ellie blushed. “It’s not like I have a second head after being in jail!”

“But you kinda broke the law,” Ellie shrugged, “I’m just interviewing here, I can send your complaints to the dean, if you want to.”

“And send him this,” she showed her a middle finger and Ellie heard Colt chuckle.

“I, err, will make sure he gets it. Will you help me though?”

Mona sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. But I won’t make it easier for you.”

And she didn’t. After an hour, Ellie felt like she just ran two marathons. Mona wasn’t very talkative and was constantly complaining about the questions. When Ellie and Colt reached the house, it was already late and dark, as if a storm was coming. Since Ellie had a major astraphobia, she was relieved to be home, though she did miss Logan. She turned to thank Colt but he was already leaving.

“Where are you going? There’s storm coming out and it’s gonna rain!”

“I don’t mind,” he said pointing to the hood on his jacket.

“But... but it’s dangerous!”

“I don’t mind,” he repeated and she got angry again.

“So you’re gonna leave me like this? I knew I should have never come here.”

Colt sighed and stopped before opening the door. “What’s your problem again?”

“My problem? I hate storms! I’m scared of them. I get panic attacks anytime there’s one. Logan’s not here, you’re leaving and I’ll be here alone. That’s my problem.”

She saw he hesitated but eventually he opened the door and said, before heading out. “The house is safe, you’re gonna be okay. I’ll be home tomorrow.”

She hated him when she heard the door close. She was mad when she realized she was home alone and no one was going to save her. She wanted to go to her room and hide under the blankets on her bed but twenty minutes after Colt left, the thuderstorm started and with a shriek, she ran to hide under the kitchen table. She closed her eyes and started counting to ten but the noise of frequent thunders made her lose the count. She tried to calm herself down, her panic attack getting stronger as she repeated the phrase “the house is safe, you’re gonna be okay” to herself like a prayer. She was already shaking, her breathing was ragged when she heard the door opening.

“Ahhhhhh!” she screamed, too afraid to check what it was.

“Calm down, it’s just me!” Colt entered the kitchen and looked under the table. “You comfy here?”

“Fu—nny,” she breathed, trying to stop shaking so bad. “What... are you do—ing here?”

“You said you were afraid of storms...” he started nervously and ran his hand through his wet hair. He hesitated for a moment but he crouched and got under the table next to her. She looked at him curiously when he awkwardly put his arm around her, pulling her closer.

“Does it help?” he rasped and she could only nod. The storm was still pretty strong but she stopped shaking. Being so close to Colt felt weirdly nice.

“I struggled with panic attacks when I was little,” he said as if trying to explain himself, explain why he was helping her. She nodded but didn’t say anything.

“If you tell about this to anyone I will kill you.”

She smiled to herself. Maybe Colt wasn’t that bad after all. And maybe he even started liking her.

[thanksfornothinguselessreptile]

A Shifting World Chapter 4: Goodbyes and Departures

First Chapter

<– Previous

Work Summary: Things have been going great since Hiccup and Toothless have defeated the Red Death. He has his father’s approval, a group of friends his own age, and is leading the integration of dragons and the Vikings of Berk. When neighboring tribes call together a meeting to discuss rumors of Vikings riding dragons, however, Stoick decides to keep their alliance with dragons under wraps. Hiccup must decide whether he should listen to his father or seek to teach the other Vikings of the archipelago the truths about dragons.

AO3

Rating: T

Characters: Hiccup, Toothless, Astrid, Stoick, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, Tuffnut, Snotlout

Pairings: Minor Hiccup x Astrid

Chapter Summary: Hiccup makes a promise to his best friend. Meanwhile, the twins are the twins and Mildew is Mildew.

Chapter Warnings: Discussions of death and murder, food mention

“You guys are all so lucky,” Tuffnut said as he shook his head at the nearest ship. “You all get to go to the Thing and we don’t.”

“I’d kill for the opportunity to go.” The scariest thing about that statement, Hiccup decided, was that Ruffnut sounded like she genuinely meant it. “The Thing is the prime pranking opportunity, and none of you are going to take advantage of it!”

“We’ll keep that in mind, I promise,” Hiccup said. He found himself regretting that the twins wouldn’t be coming along, even if it cut down the risk of other tribes declaring war on Berk due to missing beards and painted helmets.

Still, with a whole village to terrorize and no one else in their friend group around to entertain them or hold them back, Hiccup was sure that the missed opportunity would soon be a long distant regret.

Luckily enough for Hiccup, if not for Berk, it turned out that many of his friends were coming along, too. Astrid’s mother, Phlegma, was among the Berk Council, as was Spitelout, Snotlout’s father; both had decided their children ought to come along and get a better understanding of the other tribes. Fishlegs, while he had a mother aboard their ship as a sailor, had been chosen to come because Stoick believed he could have potential as a future ambassador of Berk.

Beyond them, all of the Berk Council were going as well. Well, all except for one, who was heading this way with a frown.

Hiccup was suddenly very aware that the twins had seemed to have vanished into thin air. They must’ve pranked Gobber somewhat recently, then.

“Ah, Toothless, there you are!” Gobber said as he wagged the wooden hand cutout attached to his prosthetic arm attachment as he prepared a lecture. “Remember that you aren’t going on this trip, you sneaky reptile.”

Toothless grumbled in irritation and glanced over at Hiccup as if asking him to reverse the decision.

“Sorry, bud,” he said instead, and gave Toothless an apologetic smile. “You know that Dad would kill me if I smuggled you aboard.” And anyways, even if he did go through with showing the other tribes that dragons weren’t inherently violent and were actually amazing, intelligent beings who were willing to live in peace if humans were, he wanted Toothless here, safe, if things went wrong. Again.

Toothless snorted and shook his head, his pupils narrowing slightly.

“Don’t worry, bud, it won’t be for forever.” If Gobber wasn’t there, Hiccup would have told him he’d try and make it so he could go to the next one, too. However, Gobber was still there, listening. He wouldn’t exactly be the sort that would keep quiet if Hiccup started making plans to go against his father’s and chief’s wishes behind his back.

“Yes,” Toothless said with a disgruntled huff.  

Hiccup could understand why. He wasn’t too happy about having to leave his best friend either.

Anything else he had to say, however, was swallowed up by a loud yell several feet away.

“I’m telling you, Stoick, this must be a sign from the gods to give up this unholy alliance with the beasts.” Hiccup had heard that voice enough times since after the Battle of the Red Death that he frowned and prepared to sigh with exasperation even before properly recognizing its owner.

Just as there were dragons too affected by the years of conflict to want to move onto Berk, there were Vikings who resisted the peace with the dragons with their heels dug into the ground. But where dragons were happy enough to avoid Berk, Mildew had decided to make his “opinion” everyone’s problem.

And especially Hiccup’s and Stoick’s.

“If the other tribes catch wind of us ‘befriending’ these monsters–” Mildew swung his staff straight toward a nearby Monstrous Nightmare who’d just dropped off a pallet of supply crates tied into groups with fishnet, ignoring their filthy look “–then we might as well kiss our lives goodbye!”

Stoick, half turned toward Mildew and half toward the freshly delivered stack of supplies, rubbed at his head in a way that told Hiccup that he was sensing an oncoming headache. “You’ve already brought this up. For sixteen Gripe Days in a row.”

“And you wouldn’t listen!” Hiccup winced as the vibrations of the resulting slam of the staff end into the wooden dock made their way up his prosthesis. “But now that the other tribes have come knocking, maybe you’ll finally care!”

Stoick cast Mildew a glare so sharp Hiccup almost expected to result in Mildew bursting into flames without a dragon’s intervention. Unfortunately for all of Berk, it didn’t. “Enough, Mildew. I am sticking to the answer I’ve given you every time before. We are not driving the dragons away.”

Mildew’s voice dropped just a fraction, and turned even more bitter and accusing. “Is it something you’re willing to bet the whole village’s lives on?”

“I assure you,” Stoick said, his voice unyielding, “I have the village’s best interests on my mind. And, like it or not, that includes yours.”

“Besides,” Gobber said, walking from beside Hiccup up to Mildew, “is right before Stoick’s about to leave to ensure we continue living in peace really the time to bring this up? Especially since he heard it before?”

Mildew snorted, sounding for all the world like a particularly stubborn sheep not unlike the one that often followed him around.

“I thought so. Now I suggest you go back and tend to your cabbages, unless you want to help load up the ship.” Gobber used his hand prosthesis to gesture at the supplies.

With one last scowl and “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you,” Mildew stormed off the docks, staff tapping each wooden board along the way.

“Thanks, Gobber,” Stoick said, sounding more relieved than he’d been since the announcement of the Thing.

Gobber shrugged. “Eh, I’ll just add it to list of stuff you’ll owe me for while you’re gone.” He shuddered overdramatically. “Including the Gripe Days you’ll be missing. Not looking forward to those, I’m telling you!”

Stoick laughed and shook his head. “It makes dealing with the other chiefs seem like a picnic.”

Hiccup and Toothless walked toward them. “Can’t you do something about his attitude problem?”

Stoick frowned and sighed. “He gets under my skin as much as yours, son, but I’m afraid I can’t.”

“What does he have against them, anyways?” He leaned over to pat Toothless’s side, to calm himself and his dragon. “They hardly attacked his farm.” Cabbage, to no one’s surprise, was hardly a dragon’s preferred delicacy. In fact, they seemed to avoid them more often than most other crops.

Gobber and Stoick shared a solemn look.

“You see, years ago he set his farm up there,” Gobber said, sounding like he was getting into a long story that had no happy ending. “No one particularly minded, given he was always that… well, Mildewy, for the lack of a better word.” He shrugged. “And he married a woman who was just as grumpy as he was, and they had kids who took after the both of them.”

If Gobber and Stoick hadn’t looked so serious, Hiccup would’ve shuddered at the thought of a family of Mildews.

“They all seemed happy, though, and they kept mostly to themselves, so everything was fine.” Stoick shook his head. “And then, one day, his wife and children were picking up supplies in town when a dragon raid hit.”

“It was the worst in decades.” Gobber bit his lip. “Our best could hardly keep up defending the town from the dragons.” He sighed and shook his head. “By the time dawn came and they retreated, so many had died, even those who hadn’t fought.”

“Including Mildew’s family.” Hiccup never thought he’d feel anything regarding sympathy for the man, but then again he’d always summed his irritability up to stubbornness beyond the usual Viking levels.

“And that wasn’t the end of it.” Stoick’s tone caused Hiccup to brace himself. “Mildew somehow got it into his head that we let them die intentionally because no one liked them.”

“Well, no one did like them,” Gobber jumped in with a conciliatory tone. “But no one hated them that much,” he added when Stoick glared at him.

“Everyone kind of understood that it was mostly the grief talking, and things kind of died down after a while.” Stoick stroked his beard. “And eventually he ended up taking another wife.”

“And that’s when a dragon came to his farm and burnt it to a crisp.” Gobber shook his head. “Mildew escaped. Not his wife.”

“And after he got over that, he married another woman. She was from the Northlander Tribe, I believe.” He glanced at Gobber as if to confirm.

Gobber nodded. “Aye. And I bet you can get what happened to her.”

Hiccup’s stomach clenched. “I’m guessing not a peaceful death by old age.”

“After that, he became obsessed with killing dragons.” Stoick stroked his beard, lost in thought.

“Not himself, of course.” Gobber shrugged a single shoulder. “Let’s just say he chose to keep a farm far from the raids for a reason. But he bought dragon parts off those who did kill them. Bones, scales, heads, the lot.”

Toothless made a nervous sound, and Hiccup reached over to scratch him under the ears in an attempt at reassurance. “Don’t worry, bud. No one’s getting your head.”

“He was always advocating for crueler ways of killing them off entirely, not just driving them off our land for good.” Stoick frowned. “In any case, any intention he had of making his peace with them died with his wives and children.”

“But now we can make sure that no one else has to go through that.” Hiccup knew that losing family to dragons hurt; he’d lost his own mother to a dragon when he was a baby, and that had definitely stung after finding out that it was the Red Death’s fault. Still, he couldn’t imagine preferring being at war with dragons to the peace they had now over it.

“I know, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Stoick placed a hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, being careful not to knock him over. “However, he’s been bitter since the day he was born, and circumstances only made him worse. When you’re chief, you’ll have to deal with worse than the likes of him.”

Hiccup resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Encouraging pep talk, Dad.”

Stoick shook his head and laughed, and the somber tone the conversation had taken seemed to disperse like that. “Next time, I’ll let it surprise you.” He glanced around the docks and the ship, scanning everything. “Well, it looks to me like we’re just about ready to set out here. You get on the ship and I’ll get the loose ends tied up.” With that, he walked off.

Hiccup turned back to Toothless. “Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye, bud.”

Toothless warbled in a very unenthusiastic tone.

“I promise I’ll be back, with a whole new bunch of stories to tell you.” A gathering of Viking chiefs was certainly never boring, as Stoick had often been inclined to share. “I’m sure you will too, since the twins are staying behind.”

At that, Toothless snorted and rolled his eyes.

Hiccup couldn’t help but smile at that. “You never know, you might have too much fun watching them get in trouble to even notice I’m gone.”

Toothless snorted and shook his head. He didn’t sound particularly convinced.

“It’s just for a few weeks, I promise.” Hiccup held out an open hand. Toothless stared at it and hesitated, then leaned his head over until his nose met Hiccup’s palm.  “Take care while I’m gone.” He let himself give his best friend a crooked, mischievous smile and wagged a finger at him in warning. “And no helping Ruff and Tuff with their pranks, alright?”

Toothless seemed to raise the draconic equivalent of an eyebrow, but nodded. “Yes.”

With that, Hiccup forced himself up the gangplank and looked for a place to sit. It was going to be a long journey.

So this is probably the last chapter I’m posting to Tumblr before the Log Off Protest. While the next chapter will likely be published on AO3 around the same time next week, I won’t crosspost it to Tumblr until the protest is over and I log back in. After that, crossposting should continue as usual. Thank you!

Next –>

[yyh-revival]

Alot of people draw parallels between Kurama and Kurapika, Hiei and Killua, Yusuke and Gon, Kuwabara and Leorio But no one comments on how Karasu is this weird hybrid of Ilumi and Hisoka. ( Also Sensui and Chrollo)

Wish I could help you there, but I only saw I think two seasons? Maybe one season. *shrugs* I could never get into Hunter x Hunter. I have a few theories for why, I think, but it’s all super subjective. One of my friends is the exact opposite, obsessed with HxH and unable to enjoy Yu Yu Hakusho.

If you are a fan of HxH, I strongly advise you don’t read this. These are my personal opinions on why I cannot stand the show, not a detailed analysis of the show itself or objective view of its merit. Will be under cut.

Also I am sleep deprived and potentially tipsy so this will likely not be coherent. *finger guns*

Anyway, for me, HxH always felt… too on the nose? Too Naruto-like, in a way? Here, meet Gon, he’s a super nice and friendly dude, but oh no, he has a tragic past because his dad is missing… And now he wants to be just like his dad, who is missing, so why is he emulating a dude he doesn’t know? And here, meet Killua, he’s a psychopath and he’s like 10. Instead of getting this kid a therapist the older characters around him are going to encourage him to go kill people. Oh yes, these children are also murderers. Meet Kurapika, the Kurama of the group, who is also a bishie, is low-key scary, intelligent, caring, and also has a tragic past! Yay… And Leorio… I confess I don’t know shit about him. But he probably has a tragic past.

Okay, I am probably being too harsh on this show. I know it’s beloved by many people. But the constant pushing of “tragic!! So sad!!” and “child murder! Yay!” Is just not my cup of tea. 

YYH did this way better, in my opinion. The tragedy is there, but it’s layered on slowly. Hiei, who arguably has one of the most tragic childhoods a shonen character ever experienced, doesn’t actually tell us what happened to him until the show is almost over. We get to learn who he is, what makes him tick, we get to love him, ponder about his past, get invested. Then we are given the sad. But HxH is like Naruto in the fact that it just shoves it into our face, as if to say, “hey, this character had a bad childhood, you should feel sorry for them and love them.” I just hate that. 

And Gon… that friendly optimism is just… weird? He feels 2-d to me, not like a real child. Whereas the imperfect Yusuke acts exactly as you’d expect a child in his position to act. He has daddy issues because he never had a father. He has issues with authority because his mother was awful and he never felt safe or comforted by the adults around him. He gravitates towards male role models and at the same time rejects them. He respects only one authority, Genkai, because she is the first adult who taught him what he found useful. His kindness, his empathy, all that is earned. When Yusuke tells Genkai he cares about her, when he cries over her death, we believe it and we feel it, because we saw what he was like when he didn’t care, when he didn’t have an adult to turn to. It’s like a child that had been neglected all his life who was suddenly thrust into a foster home or an orphanage where one cranky lady is done with life, so she’s honest and raw and doesn’t throw platitudes into his face, and he respects that. He gravitates to it the same way 9th grade students do to the teacher who uses swear words in class and isn’t afraid to show the Romeo and Juliet movie that has the *gasp* boobie in it. His relationship with Genkai is realistic and earned, and genuine like crazy, and when he mourns her, the first and only adult he respected, loved, and felt safe with, we all mourn with him…

But Gon? I don’t know. He just put me off from the start. He doesn’t seem to have a reason for being so damn friendly. He doesn’t seem to act like a normal human being at all. He’s just this weird 2-d cartoon that tries to kill with kindness and be just like his missing dad instead of, ya know, doing the realistic thing and having a complicated relationship with him. Like, Yusuke doesn’t hate Atsuko. But he sure does blame her for lots of things. I can interject my own childhood here, because my feelings toward family are also complicated. I know the “missing parent” thing really well because my parents lived in a different county for half of my childhood, and I can tell you, while I understood why they did it, and loved them, and appreciated with all my heart the sacrifices they made… I still did, and still do, blame them for robbing me of a normal childhood. Of robbing me of a relationship with them. Of robbing me of that mother-daughter best friend dynamic, of being able to tell them all my secrets and feel like they’re part of my life and not just distant parental figures I respect and love the way the religious love and respect their gods. And Yusuke is the same. His relationships with all the adults in his life, even some of the other kids, are complicated and layered and realistic. He knows his mother had a raw dealing having him at what, 15? But he also blames her for not doing more… Hiei, how does he feel, knowing that his mother died, instead of leaving the Glacier Village during her pregnancy or right after birth to go look for him? How does he feel knowing she stayed there, and died there? It wasn’t her fault. She was heartbroken, she was exhausted from giving birth, and she was weak and scared and alone… it’s even implied she committed suicide. And if she did, don’t you think Hiei might still feel complicated about it? Don’t you think he might feel like she should have been stronger, for him, for this small child that didn’t deserve his fate? She should have lived and left the village and searched for him! She should have looked even if she knew he was dead, if nothing else then to bury him! That’s the sort of thoughts I bet once ran through his mind…

But Gon? Nothing. Just… love for mom and idealizing dad. It’s boring, unrealistic, and I hate it.

Killua, my friend’s favorite shonen character (if not favorite anime character) of all time is literally one of my least favorite, and the only character I might have liked, Kurapika, was clearly ripping off of Kurama, whip and all included. So I just could never finish the show.

As for the Karasu question, technically, he came first, so those other characters are based on him. But from what I did actually see of Hisoka… he’s like an evil pedo (right?? I heard something like that??) clown. That’s what he is. How is he threatening? This isn’t even a rhetorical question. Creepy, maybe. But I’d just feel slightly uneased by him and then call the police if he came near me. If Karasu had his eyes on me like he did on Kurama, I’d probably shit my pants, let’s be real. 

Karasu was a sadist. He was thrilled by the “intimacy between murderer and victim.” And the scariest shit of all? You can sorta understand him. When you murder someone, you are the only person in the world to see what happens to them. You have complete control over that person. You are their god, deciding if they are worthy of life or death. It’s an urge you can theorize about, can talk about, can even understand to a degree. But Hisoka? He uh, wears clown clothes and chases Gon? Or something? He makes scary faces? Karasu doesn’t have to even show his face to be terrifying. He just has to talk about his hobbies and his beliefs. Hell, the moment she shows up you feel something is up. I saw Hisoka like, at least 10 times and I still don’t know shit bout him. Karasu had like, 3-4 speaking scenes and they all made him fucking scarier with each one. I felt like each scene with Hisoka added absolutely zero to the show. Not to mention how fucking slow it was…

I feel like having a character target your young protagonist and make creepy faces at them is just lazy. Dude is, and I know Naruto came after, but that’s the show I saw first and actually know a thing or two about (till whenever shippuden started). So dude is just like Orochimaru. Now I was never scared of that guy, I just thought he was a total creeper. To me, there were way scarier moments. Hell, even Gaara’s brother, when he like, trapped a guy inside a puppet and then blood dripped out? Was that him? Anyway, that moment was way freakier than anything Orochimaru did. Karasu’s like 3 scenes were way more psychologically scary than all of Orochimaru’s scenes put together. And I got the same vibe from Hisoka as Orochimaru. The, he’s creepy and these kids should definitely find an adult asap, and not “holy fuck that’s a mass kidnapper/rapist/torturer/murderer and holy hell I am fascinated and also terrified and holy shit Kurama run run run!” 

*shrugs* Karasu is honestly probably the scariest villain in YYH, too. Only because he enjoys torture and murder, and he explains why. And the explanation makes fucking sense and its so terrifying that I can’t

and he also doesn’t look like a clown. That’s a major plus. I’m not and never will be scared of clowns. Like… its a clown. Its colorful and does weird shit. How is that scary? No, demonic looking motherfuckers with long ass ink black hair and eyes that glow purple with glee at the thought of ripping blood curling screams out of someone in front of a giant ass audience, and lamenting that they wish they could fucking keep him and I dont know fucking fuck his corpse is that what he meant cause holy fuck!??! 

Anyway, Karasu gives me nightmares and I love him and I don’t care for HxH and I need sleep and love you all very much please don’t hate me for disliking this show I really did give it like, three separate chances. *shrugs*

- Mod Lola

[rsaied]

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:27 PM hi

🥀 — Today at 8:27 PM what?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:28 PM why did sherry and chris ask me what my feelings about you were

🥀 — Today at 8:31 PM maybe because you told me last year you never want to speak to me again and now you're speaking to me again but i keep getting hostile vibes and you keep unfollowing me and it doesn't seem like a joke when you do it for days on end.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:31 PM well now you un followed me [8:31 PM] i think [8:32 PM] any way. its a bit. you said some thing dumb and i un followed [8:32 PM] the longer it lasts the funnier

🥀 — Today at 8:33 PM i don't remember unfollowing you. [8:33 PM] it's not that funny. [8:33 PM] i guess i did..?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:34 PM i guess so [8:34 PM] either way. you could say that its not very funny in stead of joking back and not telling me its not funny to you [8:34 PM] i am not a mind reader and you make your self hard to read any way

🥀 — Today at 8:50 PM alright. i just don't want to come across as too sensitive.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:50 PM it wouldnt kill you to show a little human emotion

🥀 — Today at 8:51 PM uh huh. i did that and you broke up with me. [8:51 PM] did it again and you said you never wanted to speak to me again.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:51 PM actually i broke up with you be cause we werent compatible [8:52 PM] and i said i dont want to speak to you again be cause you tricked me for weeks. justified or not [8:53 PM] you tricked every one, but its kind of shitty when we just broke up and we kept up conver sation like we were total strangers and not . us

🥀 — Today at 8:53 PM you broke up with me because i changed and you didn't. i got over my jealousy and you just went deeper into your jealousy and paranoia until you couldn't bear to be with me knowing that i had considered having feelings for someone else. you told me that yourself.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:54 PM thats the long way of saying we werent compatible any more [8:54 PM] also im the one who showed human emotion there

🥀 — Today at 8:54 PM so you admit i changed? [8:55 PM] remember when you said you were going to work on your mental health? what happened to that?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:56 PM sure. you changed yes [8:56 PM] ive worked on it plenty [8:56 PM] im still tired. but im not suicidal and im not jealous and im not [8:56 PM] well i might still be paranoid. but thats p t s d

🥀 — Today at 8:57 PM great.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:57 PM why

🥀 — Today at 8:58 PM you have no respect for me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:58 PM i never said that

🥀 — Today at 8:58 PM you don't have to. [8:59 PM] your impossible standards and the way you ignore parts of me that i've made clear to you say it for you.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:01 PM what im possible standards [9:01 PM] and what parts have i ignored lol

🥀 — Today at 9:02 PM i don't show enough emotion for you, for example. except for when i've showed you more than enough emotion, but that was too much and you conveniently don't mention it when you're acting like i'm an apathetic bitch. [9:04 PM] you ignore everything i've done for you and the commitments i made to you and everything i put up with for those last few days when you act like i'm some villainous mastermind who's just hurting you for fun. [9:04 PM] i haven't changed, according to you, except for all the ways i've very demonstrably changed. [9:06 PM] i guess i just haven't become exactly the person you want me to be. [9:06 PM] who do you want me to be, leon?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:07 PM does it matter?

🥀 — Today at 9:07 PM sure, tell me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:07 PM no

🥀 — Today at 9:08 PM so there is an idea. [9:08 PM] a little unfair to constantly test me against your ideal when you won't even tell me what it is, don't you think?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:12 PM you dont have to live up to my expectations [9:12 PM] even if i told you (i wont) you wouldnt want to [9:12 PM] so i dont see the use in this conversation in the first place [9:13 PM] not every one is going to live up to what i want and thats fine. why is this an issue [9:13 PM] is this be cause i told your new friend what i think? did he tell you i did? he asked. it was not un prompted [9:14 PM] if my opinion or what ever was wrong then thats fine. you can explain i am biased like i said i was and prove me wrong

🥀 — Today at 9:15 PM my who? [9:15 PM] you started this conversation.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:15 PM are you not friends [9:16 PM] & i dont know what the use in the conversation about what i want you to be is. dont play stupid

🥀 — Today at 9:16 PM that's kind of just where my rant went and then you ignored everything else i said. [9:19 PM] it was actually a rhetorical question. and it's kind of fucked up that you have an answer.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:19 PM i was "acting like youre an apathetic bitch" by saying it wont kill you to show emotion [9:19 PM] i dont really have one lol

🥀 — Today at 9:20 PM that and yesterday when you got pissed at me for not acting triggered.(edited)

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:20 PM i dont ignore what youve done for me. but i also dont ignore when you trick or manipulate me either. and one of those is kind of im portant [9:20 PM] not saying you have to act triggered but asking for pictures is a bit much [9:20 PM] also not pissed. just un comfortable

🥀 — Today at 9:21 PM i think both of those are actually important. [9:21 PM] i haven't manipulated you since 1998.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:22 PM yes of course my apologies. i will include "gave me a raise and threw me a birth day party" with "forced me to hide the tragedy in raccoon city" on the same bullet point about adam

🥀 — Today at 9:23 PM i saved your fucking life. countless times. i'm not talking about going to the aquarium with you. [9:25 PM] not only did i save your life but i almost got myself killed doing so. countless times. i risked my life and my objective and the trust of my very murderous employers to save you. that's more than a birthday party. [9:25 PM] i opened up to you. i showed you myself more vulnerably than i had ever shown anyone. you know that's the scariest thing i could possibly do. [9:26 PM] but you pretend you don't know. that's the problem. after all the struggle of showing you who i am you act like it never happened.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:29 PM what, you dont regret any of that ? [9:29 PM] im doing what you wouldve wanted. pre sumably [9:30 PM] its not like i dont know any of that happened. its that the delilah shit made me not trust you

🥀 — Today at 9:30 PM i regret opening up because you're hurting me like this now. [9:31 PM] you aren't fucking acting like it happened. [9:31 PM] it's not about trust. [9:31 PM] gave you a raise and threw you a birthday party? seriously? [9:32 PM] your example makes it sound like those five weeks overshadowed fifteen years of dedication. [9:32 PM] i have apologized again and again. i know it was wrong and you know i know that too. [9:34 PM] my apology doesn't make it right. i'm just saying that the lesson has been learned and i'm not trying to act like i didn't do anything wrong.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:36 PM okay [9:36 PM] so why does it surprise you that i dont trust you. you under stand how peoplw have breaking points

🥀 — Today at 9:37 PM i just said it's not about trust. [9:37 PM] this is what i'm saying. you don't listen to me. you don't respect me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:38 PM i do listen. christ

🥀 — Today at 9:38 PM do you just pretend not to hear, then?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:38 PM what is it about then. fifteen years ?

🥀 — Today at 9:38 PM it's about respect.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:39 PM i can respect you and still think the giddiness about being a pathological liar is uncomfortable

🥀 — Today at 9:39 PM you can't respect me, ada, and say i haven't changed. [9:40 PM] you can't respect me, having seen me struggle and heard me express to you how difficult the lies are, and say i'm giddy about being a pathological liar. [9:41 PM] and i'm not pathological.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:42 PM then why do you do it

🥀 — Today at 9:43 PM we've had this conversation before.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:43 PM why do you still do it

🥀 — Today at 9:44 PM because i still have the same history i had then. [9:44 PM] i lie less, not that you'd know.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:44 PM less [9:45 PM] sorry for doubting you

🥀 — Today at 9:46 PM yeah because i'm not instantly better. [9:46 PM] thanks. you really make me feel good about the work i'm doing.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:47 PM does it matter what i think.

🥀 — Today at 9:48 PM if we're going to be friends, yes, it  matters if you respect me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:48 PM i do respect you

🥀 — Today at 9:48 PM literally everything you've said in this conversation indicates otherwise. [9:50 PM] what does respect mean to you?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:50 PM well. i dont know [9:50 PM] i guess i dont

🥀 — Today at 9:50 PM thanks.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:51 PM is that sarcasm

🥀 — Today at 9:52 PM i think it's acceptance. that's what i wanted to know for sure. now i know for sure.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:52 PM i dont know how to re fute half the shit youve said which means you must be right [9:52 PM] and if toure right that means i dont. so

🥀 — Today at 9:54 PM okay.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:54 PM okay [9:55 PM] im sorry.

🥀 — Today at 9:56 PM uh huh. "sorry i don't respect you". great. [10:01 PM] if you actually want to make amends or figure out how to respect me, you have loved ones who are also my loved ones and they can help you or get you in contact with me. but i'm going to block you because otherwise i'll just keep doing anything for you. [10:01 PM] [ada has blocked leon!]

[deffinitelynobody]

I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day

Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)

i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.

“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.

and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!

not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)

and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.

i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.

but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons. 

so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.

i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.

thank you.

[fossadeileonixv]

Change in Business......

Our day to day has changed in ways that we only once saw in movies, with some of us now literally living in lock down. I can only say to peeps to just try and get on with the little things and where possible, help out your fellow man even if only with a small gesture.

There is only so much you have control over so my 2 cents are just eat well, sleep well and have a little bit of exercise and wash your hands often, dont take any unnecessary risks, check up on family, friends & loved ones.

But I’m not here to put any one on a downer, nope, the Fossa Team are changing business for the next wee while to give you all a light distraction and will be changing up the topic matter for the foreseeable future as Calcio, like a lot of other things, is on the back burner.

One of my fave things apart from Calcio is movies. I’ve been into movies since I was a kid and love pretty much every genre apart from say musicals (but I  dare anyone to tell me Grease isnt amazing!) and today I want to talk about one of my all time faves...Terminator 2!

Now, this might invoke an eye-roll in some of you but allow me the opportunity to try and win you over......

I watched the original Terminator during a family holiday. I have to admit that I was waaaay too young to be watching it and the idea of a near indestructible machine coming to kill you left me with a feeling of dread as a kid.  I grew up the same time Arnie was taking over the world and would later watch Terminator again and again and ended up with the above image pasted to the wall at the end of the bed.

Arnie had gone on to make Predator which signalled that he was a bona fide action star and Total Recall cemented his place as the biggest name in Hollywood, so when it was announced that there was going to be a sequel to the movie that terrified me as kid ,fuuuuuuu#k I was MORE than just ready.

Upon it’s release, me and some of my friends all excitedly went to the local cinema to watch what was THE biggest summer tent pole movie, it wasnt like now with 10′s of films all vying for the top spot in the summer, nope this summer there was only ONE film to watch and this was it and boy did I tell myself that I was going to watch the sh#t out of this!

T2 to me is the definitive action movie and easily my most watched movie ever.

The following clip is one of my many faves from the movie.....

This part of the movie really gets my juices flowing, allow me to break it down, once John Connor runs into the inner corridors of the mall to escape the “Policeman” chasing him down the movie drops into slo-mo as John turns to see the Terminator for the first time, the music changes, even though John has never seen a Terminator before, he knows exactly who that big mean looking mo-fo approaching him is. The music has a constant metal clang now.

Once you see Arnie take the shotgun out of the flower box and walking over the roses, John does a u-turn and goes back the way he just came. If you watch where John is frantically trying a door knob you see the Terminator sweep around the corner with the chase theme. There are two cuts of the same action stitched together, the first has Arnie sweeping around the corner but in the background and the other with him again but this time in close up.

I have to admit that at this part the dread I felt as a kid came surging back, I was squirming in my seat as I genuinely connected with the fear on John’s face in this scene.

At this point we’ve already established that the movie is re-treading the plot of the first film, there is a protector and a terminator. The movie is still early on and all indications are that Arnie is back to cause some carnage. The “other” guy is dressed as a Police officer, it’s being hinted at that he’s the protector. Why am I even telling you this? Because the next scene has the two guys from the future square up to each other with guns drawn and the quarry in the middle with me and everyone in the cinema willing John to run to the guy dressed as the cop?!

You see, this movie came out before we had youtube, before twitter, heck, it was even before the damned internet!  Yup, this scene is where me and my friends begin to think “Wait!? What!?! Is....is Arnie the goodie!?”   We. Lost. Our. Shit! The joy I felt at having the character who once haunted me as one of movies scariest villains transpire to now be the hero was simply mind blowing! What James Cameron did here is probably something that wont get done again to the same affect.

This notion is further cemented by the next clip where Arnie saves John while he’s under attack. Some quick highlights because this post is getting super long: Arnie looking rad as f@#k cocking & shooting the shotgun whilst on the Harley, the music change after Arnie lands the Harley jump, there is a return of the metal clang only this time it’s triumphant. The T1000 walking through the flames after the truck crash, this drew a gasp in the cinema.

In this clip, at the 20 sec mark we once again switch to slowmo as Sarah approaches the elevator but instead she’s greeted by a Terminator, once again he’s sweeping around the corner into view, still menacing even though he’s now the hero. Upon seeing him, Sarah does a u-turn into the path of what she was previously fleeing like John in the earlier clip. Midway through this is where Arnie says “Come with me if you want to live” which is what Kyle Reese (the protector in the first movie) says to Sarah, cementing Arnie’s role as the Protector.

What I also love about this movie is that the level of threat remains the same as it did in the first movie. In the original it was just one solitary human taking on an indestructible machine but in the sequel where Arnie has switched roles he is taking on a vastly superior threat.

Honestly, I could do 6-7 posts about this movie but no one loves this movie as much as I do! I didnt even get to talk about the mini gun sequence f#ck.....!

I dare any one of you to tell me that this movie isn’t perfection! Feel free to nominate something in it’s place as the perfect action movie but expect healthy debate which might spill over into name calling, I promise nothing!

(Or just drop in to say Hi and let us know how things are in your part of the world)

AviA Out

[retphienix]

undefined

Now this game. This game.

What you're seeing is just a quick roundup of what I had for the final fight. No-one was properly equipped because this game is terrible and requires equipping garbage in order to learn skills and I didn't bother to equip my 'good' stuff for the final showdown. Partially because I forgot. Also, Montblanc was nearly completely useless the entire game.

After this terrible experience I can say I fully understand why little kid me hated this game near immediately, and I'm thankful he didn't attempt to push through because all of this pains me. I also understand why apparently the cart I have has a hacked main save, even the previous owner couldn't handle seriously playing this piece of crap.

Here is where I'll throw the readmore as I'm just going to let my frustrations out a bit. I may tackle some of the good things I can come up with but those impatient just know my takeaway from this title is: It's not the worst game on its own merits, but to me it might as well be. It's the sequel to FFT but every single change they made was for the worse to the point of it being downright insulting.

It's the worst because of what it did to FFT. It's "just a bad game" if you ignore what it did to FFT.

I only showcase the 6 people I actually used for one. Something amusing about the systems in place working against themselves is that learning abilities is painfully slow and poorly implemented, which means levels additional characters can add many many hours of grind onto the title. Or you can just "not" do that, so I didn't. The skill system is among the biggest problems with this title, and I say that with full knowledge of "invincible because we said so with no thematic reasoning" bosses and writing so poor it actually brings me pain.

You learn skills by equipping an item that teaches the skill, then participate in enough fights for the skill to finally be learned. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And realize that you can usually only equip 1 item that teaches you a skill at a time per character since it's primarily taught through weapons. And repeat.

This is undoubtedly the most annoying and tedious part of the game. It undermined the job system by instead making it about what weapon you equipped to learn about, rather than what job you leveled as to become proficient at. Not to mention the skills are braindead as can be and for the most part attempt to make every class the same.

In FFT every class was unique. In FFTA every class carries nearly identical skills, with a couple small differences.

Want to be a melee job? Well you have an aimed attack, an inaccurate heavy attack, probably a ranged attack, and probably a self heal. Want to be a ranged job? Well you have an aimed attack and normal attacks that also proc status. Want to be a magic job? Well you have 3-5 spells that all do the same thing but with different elements.

Do you want to know what ACTUALLY makes these jobs special? Downwards of 3 skills per class.

FFT had Chemists being the only class using items. Knights being the only class that destroys equipment. Thiefs being the only class that steal equipment (or hearts!). White mage being the heal magic. Black for damage magic. Oracle for status magic. Monk for a balance between DPS (Knight) and healing (WM or Chemist). Archers had the unique charge system that abused the CT system (a system that doesn't matter at all in this game). Geomancers merging Knights and Black Mage in a UNIQUE way that demands you pay attention to what terrain you're on. Ninja's inately dual wield. A class dedicated to inviting enemies to join you which worked on any non-story enemy in the game, compared to FFTA being able to 'bank' monsters. I could go on for way too long here, especially when you consider the unique job classes of the special characters like Engineers or Holy Swordsman.

What's this game do? Every class does the same things except one can steal things (thief), two rip off geomancer by dumbing it down to painful levels (Ninja and Elementalist), we have somewhere around 4 classes that use bows (Archer/Sniper/Assassin/Hunter) and they use them the same way, hit them with an aimed shot or hit them with a status shot. Gunner exists and is literally just an archer with the same "status" shots. Fighter and Monk are the same class basically. Red Mage exists for no reason at all especially when you realize they have to RELEARN all the spells they already learned BUT THIS TIME AS A RED MAGE. ALREADY KNOW CURE? WELL SCREW YOU LEARN IT AGAIN. And Assassin can learn an instant KO or two to give them the illusion of flavor.

More or less every class has the same skills, just different visual effects. And sometimes they skimp on that with things like the aimed attacks. The lack of flavor to any class is painful and makes them all feel uselessly similar. The ninja doesn't even innately dual wield, what kind of decision was that? I saw one class that interested me and it turned out to be useless. The Illusionist, which is entirely improperly named due to what they do, is a raid wide spelluser. Except they learn very few spells. And they all do terrible damage. It's a bad math skill from FFT. Not to mention there is a severe lack of skills in comparison to FFT which means every class has fewer tools to work with than before, so they NEEDED those tools to be unique and instead they copy paste in order to maintain some weird and restrictive form of balance.

Skills actively make this game worse and demand you ignore your equipment because good equipment is useless to you (Oh, you got an ultimate sword? Useless. It doesn't teach any skills. Ignore it until end game when your stats will be so out of wack that you won't need it), and they push you to grind again and again and again in order to feel like any kind of progression has happened.

So let's talk about equipment for a second because this blows my mind. In this game you get ULTIMATE WEAPONS from other FF games, and SUPER END GAME MEGA GEAR from FFT at like the halfway point. And you get a lot of it.

Just about every dispatch mission or mission in general rewards you with things like Save the Queen and Excalibur or the Yoichi Bow. But all of these pieces of equipment have been nerfed significantly and made useless generally by the skill system demanding you keep changing equipment. Why make something as cool as legendary weapons feel like a drop in my inventory bucket? I often got legendary gear and just shrugged it off because they added +1 damage to my party member at the cost of teaching no skills.

Accuracy was also out of wack in this game but I'm not sure how I felt about it. There was the obvious computer bias where enemies would hit every 30% chance strike they went for while I could miss 5 70% strikes in a row, but I mainly mean everyone everywhere had really low chances to strike. Ambushing from behind might net you 80% which felt off.

Gameplay wise the accuracy didn't really effect anything, but it was strange to see everyone save for those with concentrate hitting 65% rolls regularly.

The story was painful. I've ranted enough about it but really it comes down to it's practically written for toddlers as it goes beyond childish and it dwells far too much on selfish unrealistic characters. For a normal game this is embarrassing, for the sequel to FFT it's downright insulting.

The bosses suck. Encounters in general are pretty terrible, but you'd think there would be more variety in what you are challenged with. Statuses almost never came up and I kept attempting to prepare for when they would but the worst I ever saw was a monster that spams a raid wide sleep spell and archers using Aim Arm to dont act my characters. That's not nearly enough diversity especially when they carried over all the different anti-status tools from FFT to this game. The bosses almost all resorted to "haha, don't I have a lot of minions? You should probably hit them instead of me~~~~" which in FFT I would happily hit them because the game's fun. Since this game is NOT fun, I just strike the bosses and find that they have no counter for this strategy.

You can DPS race every boss in this game. Every one. With poorly geared party members. And without grinding to be above the encounter in any way.

The scariest fight I had was Adrammelech because dragon enemies are powerful at that stage of the game and I still just ran straight ahead and hit him with all my party members for a quick kill. I was PAINFULLY weak at that stage too as I was leveling as random poor growth classes and it still worked.

Levels make for a funny subject as well. I mentioned that it's pointless to grind up your alts because skills make it too time consuming to do so meaningfully. They give you a LOT of alts, and the alts actually drag down the encounter levels.

I heard that encounters were based off of your highest level. I can confirm they are not. Perhaps the story missions are, but every encounter in the game is based off your average level, not highest.

This made the first quarter of my gameplay very confusing as every encounter was locked at level 6 while I was at level 15. I couldn't level up at all unless I spammed self-target moves that always give 10 xp because attacking the weak enemies gave 1 xp.

I was growing annoyed at every encounter being useless for me and just a pointless grind for skill points until I realized what was happening and dismissed all my non-leveled members.

Immediately the game became more playable and I'm left wondering why in the world they would do that. Why give me a new low level member every mission and expect me to level all of them equally?

Regardless, it was remedied, just poorly designed.

I wasn't fond of making the map as it prevented Ivalice from feeling like a real place at all. Yes, that's a little thematic what with it being a story book but even for a story book this "place your plot" map was uninteresting and tore me away from thinking this world made any sense at all.

Oh! The CT change in which every skill in the entire game is immediate and requires no timing or strategy at all for “charging” practically killed 90% of the strategy you could have! How hilarious! Gotta love spamming your biggest ultima blast immediately just like when you attack or use a simple fire spell!

I feel like I have nothing good to say and like I could go on for quite a while more. I wanted to say it's alright as a dumbed down 'kid' version of FFT, except it's not. If you enjoyed it, fantastic, but what I see is an unbalanced mess that's unfit for kids and unfun for me. Of course, that's what opinions are. I just really love FFT and hate this game. So that's that.

(Part 2)

[iesharael-blog]

1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Ok

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B  Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there. 

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary:  “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently  made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3 

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3

[cloudsspoke]

Half of our heart wants  them to be happy, but the rest of it also feel the pain&worry too.. That’s why people call us “Fangirl”.

dengcingmachine replied to your post :

@rianoraila​   replied to your post : …

no please no, not yet, not my oppayam,  eversince I knew eric will is going to get married, my heary became worried, maybe because I know wannie will be, possibly, can be next, I need to be happy for him when that time comes, but its will still hurt me, I know 

I CAN FEEL IT WHAT YOU FEEL IT, hon. I,somehow, sense about it too. About the possibility uri Dongwan oppa will be the next member who will tie the knot after Eric ( and somehow feel the time will approaching very soon …. ) 

And what makes it double sucks for me, after looooonngg and serious deep thinking about “ Who is my favourite member in Shinhwa ”, here I am, foolishly picks Dongwan to be the member I favour the most, just because he’s the only one who smart enough to quit from smoking .

eventho to be compared with you, who definitely has been Shinhwa’s fans for a long periode, I know i’m nothing since i just following this whole fandom for  61days ( exactly on eric’s bday date , yes my whole life has never be the same after that day ) 

it’s like, i feel like i dont have any rights to feel the pain due to this eric’s wedding news because i’m just a new girl fall into this fandom, i dont have any rights to feel worry about who’s member will getting married after eric, but dont know why i feel this strong emotionally attached to shinhwa, so yes, I could feel what you feel about worrying over Dongwan .

I said, as for Eric’s stan, hearing this news may be their doomsday ( their pre-doomsday was  when Dispatch disclosed Eric’s dating news in public ). But the scariest part is, for non Eric’s stan, the whole thing is like our Pre-Doomsday. Eric’s wedding news give us an ultimate warning, like “ YAA ALL OF YOU BETTER YOU PREPARE EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU FACE THE REAL DOOMSDAY ! ”, they told us, warned us, to be physically & mentally alarm with things that might happen next.

Luckily, isn’t my first time to experience such a shitfeel like this. I cried when I saw Sungmin Super Junior’s wedding ceremony video. I cried so hard, when Sungmin is just my 2nd bias. He ever said that he’ll be the first Super Junior member to get married, and when he did, it made me cry harder. The feeling is always in between happy and sad. So I guess it’ll be the same with Eric , and maybe for the rest member.. 

So, from my point of view as a new fan,  I guess after all this time Shinhwa always make their fans to fully expect at the unexpected things right? Like they keep on teasing their fans by saying “ No, you aint seen nothing yet from us ” or say “ Just wait for some more & try not to be off guard ” .

From releasing the Nude photobook, quit from SM, fight for their name, hiatus for 4 years but able to comeback & fulfill their promise to fans, their past dating issues, Hyesung&Andy gambling cases, etc etc , I guess Shinhwa Changjos are bunch of super strong fans who able to cope everything that Shinhwa throws to them. Am I right ???

And yes, back to Dongwan …

He already an old meat and also flapflap so dont make it harder for him by delaying his marriage ^^ Lol, and I want to see little Baby Wannie too ^^ because I believe, with the existence of that future baby, we will be able to see Dongwan smile even more. Just picture it, hon. Uri Dongwannie oppayam holds his baby and his smile never left his face for any single second, and he grow more wrinkles on his eyes because what he does all the time is just smiling from ear to ear. Whoa I want to see such a view like that for sure ! 

But I wont lie, as a delusional & full of hallucination & crazy fangirl, I will feel -not a pang-, but lot of jealousy for Dongwan’s wife. Because I ship Dongwan with Minbong so fuckin much !!! Lol XD

It’s normal to feel in between, because we are fangirl .

Dont forget that all Shinhwa Changjos are born to be the strongest fangirl ever because we adore 6 craziest man that will nonstop rockin our life back and forth.

[nangmaiba]

Nathan James

7 17 2015

The most Scariest and Blessed day of my life so far.

I have never been so scared in my entire life until that day came. I’ll tell the whole story here on tumblr.

My due date was on the July 15th of the year 2015. 2 weeks before the due date, my awesome OB performed and IE and told me that I should walk at least 200m to 500m a day to avoid a cesarean section. So on those past few days before due date, I managed to walk to some parts of our village and completed what the ob said.

On our second to the last appointment, I was still 2cm dilated, our ob said after the IE. Still in dismay, I asked questions on how to resolve the problem and might want other plans just in case. She said that we still have our last week to adhere to the parameters needed to have a Normal delivery. If it didn’t work, she’ll have to induce the labor to avoid stress to the baby. Also she saw some white-ish particles in the ultrasound (white ink on the ultrasound is what you can see on the ultrasound like the baby, some particles and other thing-y, and the black ink particles there is the water.) It could be the baby’s poop or the water level is too thick. (The water is too mature and starting to degrade *not a healthy sign when the baby is still inside*)

Then the next day, I started to walk twice the length of the first prescription. Then the last check up came. It was July 15, 2015. OB performed IE and still, i was still 2 cm dilated. I am expecting that I am at least 4-5 cm dilated. I was so disappointed that day.

Then, our OB gave us a choice to wait for a week or to perform an Induced Labor the next day pronto. We decided to get the baby out the next day. I arranged my things, phone, towel and the baby bag.

On July 16, 2015, Me and The Husband went to the hospital. We filled up the sheets and all, while I’m still waiting for my natural labor to come. After 2-3 hours, the nurse put on an IV on me. I can’t remember what it is I think Oxytocin. My sister came and she’s all out support. (goodie)

I was hungry so Hubs went to buy noodles. Then My OB came and said I can’t eat anymore due to the IV. ughhh. Fast forward, I was being induced that moment. It was 4:00 pm. I was transferred to the 2nd floor. where the labor room, operating room, and the nursery/NICU room are. Then there’s so many nurses and I was still in bed. Then they transferred me to another wheeled bed and I waited for like an hour outside the rooms. I can’t feel any pain. Then, they attached some things on my Belly. It’s a machine that can monitor your contractions. 

It’s like a lie detector test but attached to my belly. Once the thin needle draw earthquake like readings, I just felt some tingling sensation. Then they said, that’s it, it’s a contraction! But I said, is that it? I mean it’s not painful at all. They said, I have a strong pain tolerance. Other mum’s out there felt that painful enough to push. (I felt those tingling sensations 1 and a half weeks prior to this scenario so I guess i was unconsciously having contractions for like 1 and a half weeks until this. :> )

Next thing I know I was transferred again to another room, the Labor room where I had to be induced until the next morning. That whole day was a tiring day since you've haven't had any food, when I was inside the room, that's where all the pain started. The contractions are getting bigger and stronger and longer to the point that I'm making painful gestures with all the wires attache to me and my belly because of the IV Drip. I took a photo of my belly dull of stretch marks to ease the pain. The contractions were a 5-10minute apart. And the nurses are always there, friendly and always checking on me. They even turned off the lights so that I could sleep.

The next day came, July 17, 2015 5am and no progress yet. Still 2cm dilated. Oh by the way, I had 2 female nurses and 1 male nurse which is very friendly and all out support on me too since he knew my sister, he was always on my call. So glad! If it wasn't for him our bills had started to sky-rocket! He said it's the nurses' prerogative to check for the used meds and all but this male nurse, he came into conclusion that I wasn't even in the OR yet and still inside the Labor Room which is BTW has minimal charge unlike if I was staying in the hospital room sooo, yep, good point nurse!

Also, since I haven't eaten anything since yesterday, he said, he will give me food(thank you po lord) but it's our(and the female nurses) secret coz we're not allowed to eat in here. Lol

The monde's mamon and 1 skyflakes pack is all I got to munch on but nonetheless, it sufficed.

Then every 5 mins of all the hours remaining until 6pm in the afternoon is painful since the ob said we need to add dosage to the IV so that I could be in total-labor. That's a total bummer.

3pm, I saw a woman on a hospital bed i think she's injected with anesthesia and the sleeping drug already since she's very calm and she was just on the room for like 5minutes and after that, she went straight to the OR and then performed scheduled C-section. After about 2-3 hours, she was on the labor room again and she's groggy due to the operation.

(I think much better to go with the scheduled one so you wouldn’t endure the pain of an induced one, still, the choice is yours!)

Fast forward, I was very stressed due to the contractions and I haven't eaten anything yet since yesterday and I was all alone in the room without the husband nor the sister. We just communicate through texts.

6:10pm the ob came and said it's time to do the inevitable.

***Cesarean-section***

so I was in labor for a total of 24 hours plus+++++. 😭

I was very nervous that time. So many what if's and all. Someone gave me papers to sign for the approval of doing the c-Section procedure. And then they proceeded to put me into the Operating room. Hubby isn’t allowed at the OR idk why I think, hispital rules? The nurses transferred me to a cross like operating bed and waited for the anesthesiologist to inject some on my spine.

They said this part was a very painful one but It doesn't friggin' hurt. I think i just felt an ant bite on my back but it doesn't really hurt. I think I just had the best anesthesiologist in town.(and a pricey one too 😂)

Anyways after that it immediately spread unto the lower part if my body until the ob came and she said to fasten my arms to the crossed➕ bed and they're checking on my bp. I had High BP that time since I was very nervous. And the aircon was on my feet. Its very cold and I dont know what to expect. Also the very unexpected shoulder dance! After they injected some med on the IV, My shoulders started to shudder like crazy! It’s like I was limbo rocking in the OR ofc without any prizes and consolations. The doctors inside told me it was perfectly normal. But wth I didn’t know about and didn’t signed up for that. LOL—

Anyways, we waited for my bp to low down until the ob sent the go signal.

This time They put a green barrier on my chest and lower stomach so i can't see how they slice up my belly.

Then the ob asked what would be the type of cut I want, bikini or normal cut, she said it doesn't have a difference in terms of the price since it's always up to the doctors to put their price tag on that, so I said, “Okay Doc, Bikini Cut!”

Then she started. They were chatting while cutting me! They’re like conyo and laughing but I don’t mind, it eases my mind and their conversation felt comfortable, they’re also chatting with me a little (para mapa-kalma ako) the anesthesiologist and my ob. And then after 20 minutes or so, she said,

“Oh, that's why he hasn't gone down on you because he's had two umbilical cord on his neck!”

2 rounds of umbilical cord on his neck?!—

When I heard that, I was like, WTF! You wanna die even before you're born? Lol Anyways. I was shocked and at the same time grateful to my ob since she didn't hesitate to decide on doing the procedure later.

The I heard him crying! Goodness gracious! It was a very tearful moment but I didn't cry. Lol he was put on my chest and unto my breast to start latching but I dunno he can't but whatevs. (We did delay cord-clamping, best decision ever)

After that the anesthesiologist came and put on the sleeping drug so that they can continue to the operation and stitched my belly back.

After 1 minute, I was very sleepy and blacked out for realzz. The moment I woke up I was in the Labor room already and the pedia checked on me and told me my baby was on the NICU and my husband was with the baby and all things doctor-ish that I can't totally remember because I was friggin groggy. Then after that I passed out again, I was then transferred to my room at about 10pm that day and I can't stand nor put my upper body up because it's so painful and the doctor advised me not to get up yet.

When the baby's there, I can’t see him kasi the cot is high so I got my phone and took a picture of him while laying on the bed. Lol.

But this momma is pasaway so she got up and tried to breastfeed the bear, hence the photo below:

Anyways. That's it!

Welcome to the cruel world with your crazy yet awesome pair of parents,

Nathan James!

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