#i dont know what to do.... it feels like going to uni and actually finishing is more what im supposed to do rather than what i wanna do

[lixbf]

i dont wanna go to uni anymore

[zoppzoop]

guess who woke up and wont be able to sleep again :)

Okay it's 3 am and thus it's eepy time. I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow and try to fix my sleep schedule!!!!

[binniesbooks]

HI FAYEEE hruuu?!?! Missed requesting fics from u uheheeu. so ermmm i watched the new txt vlog in us and holy shithffj huening got so fucking buffed rn and im legit having a huening brainrot rn😭

Soo if u dont mind, may i request a dom!hueningkai x sub!readerrr

Scenario is reader and hueningkai are only together for a few months. The boys and you went to a bar to drink and the members teased kai for being so obsessed with reader and like a "perv" type? is that what u call it IDK and reader knows kai as a like very shy type boy so its kinda hard to believe. BUT, when they get home, huening snapped and proved that he's not innocent and shit. She didint knew that huening got so strong and buff. (rest is yours to write:))

Idk if this is good enough but feel free to ignore this if u get uncomfortable with my request!!

• SWEET LIES

HK 002 .F22 2024

wc 3k

pairings slightdom!Kai x subfem!reader

warnings safe sex, slight dom heuning kai, choking, oral (f receiving), marking, spanking (+ anything else I missed)

faye's note I didn't actually expect that someone would miss requesting from me??? 😖❤️ Sorry, this took me so long to finish this too ☹️☹️ but yesss! Buff Kai! Fuck fuck fuck 🙂‍↕️

p.s. I just got home again from uni, immediately pulling out my phone to post this lolololol

It had only been five months since you started dating Heuning Kai, and each day felt like a new adventure. His smile was infectious, and his laughter was a melody that lingered long after conversations ended.

He's a sweet guy, not so shy but not so laid back. In public, he was charming, the boy-next-door type who could melt your heart with just a glance. To anyone else, including you, he seemed innocent—perhaps even a little shy.

"Kai, do you mind going with me to the grocery store after class? I've run out of stocks." You leaned a bit, whispering to your seatmate—Kai, your boyfriend.

Kai glanced back at you, giving you a reassuring smile.

"Sure, let's go later," he said, patting your head.

Eyes were always watching you. Inside the school premises, on your morning walks, in the grocery—anywhere.

You could only smile to yourself, because who wouldn't? Kai, the famous and versatile band member of your campus, started dating you. He is known to be shy among others, therefore people were shocked to see you two dating.

You held his hand, walking side by side, squeezing it thrice, silently signaling the "I love you" unknown to him.

Kai pays for your groceries most of the time. He never lets you spend a single cent, even when you insist. Therefore to at least give back to him, you often visit him with groceries and gifts too. Because even though you're independent, you feel bad that he was the only one who was spending money.

Your take on dating? 50-50.

But these days, Kai started giving you expensive gifts. He has been giving you perfumes, jewelry, clothes—anything that costs a fortune because of its brand name.

Kai is a sweet boy. The sweet and gentle type of boyfriend. Takes you on cute picnic dates to entertaining arcade ones. Kisses the top of your head, and your forehead, and intertwines your fingers. Sings a song for you, serenading you when you're sulky. --- you couldn't ask for more.

So when he invited you to one of his friends's parties, you gladly obliged.

"Y/n, do you wanna go with me to the party tomorrow night? I also want my hyungs to see you in person," he asked on one of your usual Friday movie nights.

"Mhm! Sure!" Of course, you're more than happy to go with him. Your heart flutters with the thought that he will finally introduce you to his friends.

"Kai, do you wanna change places tonight? I'll sleep on the couch, take the bed," you suggested. It is because even though Kai sleeps at your place, he never sleeps beside you. He always takes the couch. It's not like he doesn't want to, he just thought that you might not like it. But you, on the other hand, think that your boyfriend is just too pure and cute, so you never ask him to sleep beside you.

"No, no! I'm okay here on the couch. Please take the bed." Kai mutters as he pulls you closer, hugging you tight and planting a soft kiss on your forehead.

"Are you sure? You can take the bed tonight. I don't mind."

"No, you take it. And have a good rest, pumpkin. I don't want you to have a sore body when you wake up the next morning," he says.

"'M'kay..." you muttered.

"I love you, pumpkin," he whispers.

"I love you, Kai." You pulled away and stared at him for a while. Kai's gaze drops down to your lips as he gulps. It didn't escape your sight, you felt your heart thump a little harder. Is it bad that you want to kiss him too?

He quickly averts his gaze, pulling the pillow towards his body. "Goodnight, pretty. Sleep tight, yeah?" He smiled at you as he laid down on the couch. He watched you trudge towards your bedroom, grunting when he heard the soft thud of the wooden door.

Kai drapes his arm over his eyes, gently shoving another pillow on his lower half.

The atmosphere was electric when you arrived at the bar the next night. The dimly lit space echoed with laughter and music, a vibrant backdrop to the chaotic energy of his friends.

You felt a thrill in your chest, happy to be part of his world, to finally meet his friends. "Hyung, this is y/n, my girlfriend." Kai proudly introduced you to his friends.

You waved your hand and meekly muttered a soft hi.

"Are you sure about Kai?" one of them asked with a playful tone. He's tall, but among the five of them, you can tell he's the shortest.

"Hyunggg!" Kai pouts.

"Hey, don't be like that!" A tall and fair-skinned guy chimes. "My name is Soobin, you can just call me Bin. Nice to meet you," he added as he reached out his hand.

You smiled at him and shook his hand. "This guy is Taehyun, don't mind his comments, you won't predict anything that comes out of his mouth," Soobin chuckles, emitting laughter from the other.

"Hi pretty, I'm Yeonjun, you can call me Jjun." You might be a little judgmental, but you think he's a womanizer. Just by how he winks at you���not to mention his wink isn't perfect, both eyelids closing—and also with the aura he's giving off.

"I know what you're thinking. Yeonjun Hyung is really a womanizer," the long-haired guy cackled, receiving some scolding stare and a swat on the shoulder from the Yeonjun guy.

You sweetly smiled at them as Kai pulled you closer to himself and planted a kiss on your temple. His hand almost squeezes your side as he stays silent with only a smile plastered on his face.

"Oww!" The long-haired guy dramatically cries, making you smile. His group of friends are really different from each other, yet there's something that makes them similar.

"I'm Beomgyu, by the way," he finally adds.

"Nice to meet you guys."

As the night wore on, stories poured out—a mix of warmth, and playful banter, and teasing.

“He’s so cute, isn’t he? ”One of his friends, Taehyun, said teasingly, nudging you with a grin. You nodded enthusiastically, believing in the simplicity of your love, as you glanced at Kai who has been laughing with Beomgyu. You haven't seen this side of him yet, and it makes your heart swell. He looks so comfortable with the other boys to the point that he laughs to his heart's content.

Yet as they sipped their drinks, the tone shifted slightly. “But you know he has a possessive side, right?”Soobin, with a playful wink, chimed in. The words sent a flicker of confusion through you. You couldn’t imagine Kai being anything but sweet and loving.

“No way, you guys are just kidding! He's actually gentle,” you laughed, waving the comments away. Kai caught your gaze and smiled, his boyish charm pulling at your heartstrings.

"See?" you motioned, the two older guys shrugging with a wide grin.

The night continued, filled with games and laughter, but the whispers about his “other side��� lingered in the back of your mind.

You returned home, feeling conflicted but convinced of your own truth.

Once inside your apartment, you were greeted by the comforting silence of solitude. But the peace was short-lived. Just as you began to relax, you heard the familiar sound of footsteps behind you. It was Kai, his presence instantly filling the space with warmth. The guys actually insisted Kai to escort you home as you were already tipsy.

“Hey, I'll be on the couch, okay? Just tell me if you need anything,” he said softly, stepping closer. The way he looked at you made your heart race, but memories of the night still gnawed at your thoughts.

“I had a great time tonight!” You said, forcing a bright smile. “Your friends are… different.”

His eyes sparkled with mischief. “Different? How?”

You hesitated, weighing how to voice what was bothering you. But the flicker of darkness in his gaze made you reconsider. “They just said you have a possessive side.”

His expression shifted, a smirk playing on his lips. “Oh, did they?” He mused, stepping even closer until your back met the wall, the playful tension rising between you.

"But I told them you're just... cute... and gentle... aren't you?" Your fingers fiddled on the silver necklace dangling on his chest.

Yet he moved faster than you could comprehend. With a swift motion, he wrapped his arms around your waist, lifting you slightly off the ground, making you sit on the drawer just beside your bedroom door, as he pressed against you. There was an intensity in his eyes that sent shivers down your spine.

“Let me show you what they mean,” he whispered, a low tone that sent your thoughts spinning. In that moment, the innocence you had associated with him faded into a sultry gaze that spoke volumes.

You wanted to protest, to argue that he was cute, sweet Kai. But as his lips crashed onto yours, all coherent thoughts vanished. Every ounce of confidence you had melted away, and you felt the heat pooling between you, igniting an undeniable spark.

"K-kai..." is the only thing you were able to whisper when he pulled away for a while and lips came back crashing against yours once again. You tugged at his shirt, making sure to keep yourself grounded from everything that's happening. His kisses traveled down your neck, his hands wrapping around your back, slowly unzipping your dress.

"K-kai, please..." Kai felt his cock throbbed from your strained begging voice.

It stirred something inside him. He gently pulled down the flimsy clothing that barely covered your thighs earlier, discarding it on the floor, and leaving you in your bra and panties.

Your hands quickly flew, covering your chest as you turned beet red when he stepped back a little to admire your naked figure. His gaze felt like a black hole sucking you in. "Don't let Yeonjun hyung go anywhere near you, hm?" he warns, his hand reaching out to your face, gently brushing your cheek. "I know him too well."

And it sinks in. The question of why Kai pulled you closer to himself earlier and why he was almost squeezing your side has now been answered. You nodded, your eyes looking for praise from him. And then he moves back closer to you, prying your hands off your chest as he lifts you up and marches his way to your bedroom.

"I'm giving you the chance to stop me right now, pumpkin. I don't want our relationship to go to waste just because of a drunken mistake," he sighs, his huge figure hovering above you.

You shook your head, which made Kai shut his eyes. It seems like he was trying to calm himself.

"Pumpkin-"

"Don't stop, Kai. I need you... Please..." you whined, biting down on your lower lip. It was Kai's last straw—you begging.

He moved with such dominance, guiding the pace and intensity of the moment, the way he manhandled you filled you with a mix of excitement and exhilaration. You were at his mercy, and instead of fear, an overwhelming sense of trust washed over you.

He pulls away, "You're not gonna regret this?" he asked while removing his shirt.

It's not a secret that Kai has a big body build, given that he has a huge frame. But you're not expecting this from him, the guy in front of you is so buff that you almost refuse to believe he's Kai.

He chuckled when he saw your reaction. "Should I pick your jaw from the floor, pumpkin?"

Kai slides his hand under your head before he grabs your hand and lets you touch his firm chest. "Last chance to answer. Are you sure about this?"

"Please Kai. I've been wanting to touch you. To kiss you. To make love with you." Your eyes are glossy from how happy you are. No doubt, he's really a loving and caring boyfriend.

This time, you pulled him, kissing him in the most gentle, loving, and emotional way. His soft lips felt like a cloud on yours. His warm tongue ignites a pit of fire in your stomach. His teeth biting and grazing your lips made you reeling. He pulled away with a string of saliva hanging.

He tucks your hair behind your ear, planting another soft kiss on your forehead. However, you could feel the possessiveness he’d hinted at—the way he claimed you as his, how he sought to leave his marks on your neck and chest. You were a hundred percent sure it would leave marks for a couple of days.

He was a force, the kind of passionate energy you never knew you craved. His touches were both gentle and commanding, and soon you surrendered to the pleasure, allowing him to take control. You don't mind his dominance, right? If anything, you loved it—submitting to your buff boyfriend who's taking the lead.

Your soft mewls and moans made his cock throb once again. And it looks like he's not leaving any part of your body taken for granted.

Your lips were swollen from his kisses. Neck and shoulders littered with hickeys. The soft skin of your arm is filled with love bites. Your mounds slicked with his saliva. Your waist was marked by the tight grip of his hand. Your ass cheeks are red with his spanking. Your plush thighs were marked with how his fingernails dug at your skin. Your gummy walls are clenching on his tongue.

"Kai... K-kai... Hah.. ahh..." You're spent. Yet you're loving how his slimy tongue explored your insides. You gripped his hair, and your soft sobs of pleasure resonated within the enclosure of your room.

He carefully pulled away, licking his lips as he locked his gaze with you. "Wanna know, I don't want to share the same bed with you, pumpkin? Why don't I want to use your room?" Kai tilted his head sideways with a grin.

"W-why?" you pant.

"I can't let you hear me when I touch myself at night. I can't let you see me fuck my fist imagining it's yours. I can't sleep in your room or else I might end up cumming and soiling your bed," he chuckled, his eyes full of desire.

"Kai," you whimpered at the thought as you closed your eyes, imagining everything he just confessed.

"Maybe my friends were right after all, hm?" His fingers started prodding on your entrance. "Maybe I wasn't as innocent as you think, pumpkin. I'm sorry," he mutters, slowly pushing his digits in.

"F-fuck ahh... H-hah, Kai!" You held his wrist as you let out whiny moans. His tongue already made you see a glimpse of heaven. His fingers would totally let you fully see what heaven looks like. Your hand flew to your mouth to muffle your moans until you ended up cumming on his fingers without warning.

Too embarrassed, you covered your eyes as you saw his glistening fingers. Sticky and wet at the same time. You heard him let out a soft chuckle before a moan came from him.

You quickly open your eyes, only to him deliciously sucking his fingers with his eyes closed.

"K-kai that's dirty!" You quickly got up to stop him, but he only pulled your thighs and raised them up. Your ass now lifted from the bed as your back was gently bent. He dipped his head down on your sopping cunt as he slurped on your dripping cunt.

It felt dirty. Nasty, even. Yet Kai seems to enjoy eating you out. His eyes filled with lust when he opened them, looking at you as if you were his prey.

"D-do you mind if I p-put it on you?" you stuttered, suggesting to put the condom on him for him.

Kai hums. You quickly reached above, frantically pulling the drawers to grab the pack of condoms you bought three months ago, thinking you were gonna get laid.

He pulled his pants off, his girthy cock slapping on his abdomen, tip leaking from pre-cum.

Kai winces when you slowly roll the condom on his hard cock. The red tip looked as if it was gonna burst anytime. His hand clamped on his mouth as he watched you wrap him up, muffling any noise.

Kai sat on the bed, leaning on the headboard just beside you. "Take a seat," he motioned, tapping his lap.

As a good girlfriend, you gladly obliged. Straddling him and lifting your waist, sinking slowly on his erect cock.

Kai threw his head back, grunting at the tight feeling, gripping your waist and landing a spank on your still red ass. Yelping in pleasure, you forced all the way down, letting him fill your insides with his thickness. You buried your face on his neck as he rubbed your back, cooing at you.

"You're so good to me, baby, so good," he whispers.

He lets you feel the stretch for a little while before slowly bucking his hips up, thrusting agonizingly slow in you. His thrusts start slow and gradually add force and speed.

"Am I still innocent, pumpkin?" He asked as he pushed you away from his body, wrapping his hand around your neck, lightly squeezing it.

"Still your innocent and gentle Kai? Hm?" he taunts, even if you can't form any words to say.

Your mouth hangs open, gasping for air as he tightens his grip on your neck. You tried keeping your body still, holding on both of his shoulders.

"Fuck, you're sexy, h-hah..." he grunts. Your mind is hazy with his words and actions. It felt too much, that you started drooling.

"K-kai... B-baby..." Your words aren't almost heard as you were gasping for air.

"Let's do this often, yeah?" Kai suggested as he rams his cock inside your gummy walls.

@binniesbooks 2024

[fookingmuffins]

it's time to go

James potter x reader

Summary: Angst. You love James, but it's time to go.

Warning: cheating, screaming and James being a dick.

A/n: lmao I really ran after posting like 4 fics, but I'm doing a little better and even though I'm stressed with uni I've been dying to write something, so I hope y'all enjoy. (This actually took me so long to finish and i dont lobe the ending but i needs to move on, oops)

You sighed as you prepared to open the door to the house you shared with James. Once upon a time, you would've rushed in without a second thought. But lately the war had taken a toll on the two of you. Once happy moments were now filled with fear and dread, making you feel like you were drowning. And no matter how hard you tried to hold on to the love of your life, you could feel him shutting you out. James had always been an open book anyone who ever met him knew that, but lately he had built this wall meant to keep you away, only you. At first, you tried to understand and be patient considering everything you two were going through, but after countless fights of you begging for him to talk to you, you were tired. You squeezed your eyes shut once before pushing the door open and plastering a fake smile in your face, maybe today would be different.

"Jamie, I'm home, I brought your favorite from the bakery by my work!" you shouted into the house buy were greeted with only silence. After checking the house you realized you were alone which immediately sent you into a spiral of worry since James was supposed to be here an hour ago but deciding that maybe he had gotten caught up with something you tried to ignore your panic and start getting ready for your friend's Alice’s engagement party.

You heard the door open and close while you were finishing up with your hair, causing you to get up and genuinely smile when you saw James make his way to the bedroom that the two of you shared.

"I was wondering where you were, I got you some pastries they are in the counter." you tried, but he just gave you a tight-lipped smile with a wave before passing by you to your shared bedroom. You went after him and saw he was getting ready to jump in the shower. Figuring it was going to be another quiet afternoon, you sat at your vanity staring at yourself in the mirror holding back the tears threatening to spill and ruin your makeup and just prayed that at the wedding maybe you two could have fun like you used to. You didn't even realize how long you sat there until you heard James get out of the bathroom and start getting ready, and you decided to just get dressed too and sit by the window with a book while you waited for James to be ready.

"Are you okay?" You were broken out of your train of thought by James’s question.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be. " You answered, giving him a similar smile to the one he gave you when he arrived.

"I don't know, you just keep staring into space, and it's kinda creepy." he tried to joke, but what once would've made you smile and roll your eyes instead caused a knot to form at your throat again, and you felt tears prickling your eyes once again.

"Well what am I supposed to do is not like I can talk to you anymore James you always shut me out, and I don’t know what to do anymore to get you to bring down the walls that keep shutting me out! I don't even know what I did for you to shut me out!" You couldn't help but let out everything for the millionth time, hoping that maybe today would be the last time you two were having this conversation and that he would finally open up and let you two go back to normal.

However, you soon realized that it was only wishful thinking because James immediately lowered his head and mumbled "For fuck's sake y/n not this again"

"Yes, this again, James! Please talk to me! Stop shutting me out, please!" you were a sobbing mess by this point, begging him to let you in, not caring if you ruined your makeup.

But James just shook his head and walked out, "I'll wait for you in the car while you get cleaned up, we can't do this right now, or we’ll be late." just like that, he left you alone frozen with mascara running down your cheeks. You felt numb and just quickly tried to clean up but when you were done and staring at your reflection stare back at you with puffy red eyes you just felt pathetic.

On the way neither one of you talked James kept his eyes on the road while you looked out the window too lost in your thoughts to realize your usual music that would usually be playing while the two of you drove was not playing, James realized, and he felt like he was suffocating in the empty car ride.

The wedding was beautiful and despite your problems you couldn't help but imagine that one day it would maybe be you and James standing in an altar professing your love in front of all your friends and family. You turned to look at him as Alice and Ben were sharing their vows, only to catch him staring at Lily, and she was staring right back at him. You felt something break in you as confusion overtook you. Why is he looking at her?

Was she the reason that you were slowly getting kicked to the curb? Back in Hogwarts everyone knew that James was obsessed with Lily but when she finally gave him a chance things just didn't work out. Then you caught James's attention, and the rest is history.

You tried to focus on the happy couple in the altar as the ceremony came to an end, but you felt someone was stabbing you and twisting the knife.

By some miracle during the reception James asked you to dance which shocked you, but his eyes seemed so sincere and like they were almost begging that you couldn't help but to foolishly be filled with hope once again. As you took his hand, he genuinely smiled at you again the way he used to with that same boyish grin that made you fall for him 5 years ago.

The two of you danced in the center of the dance floor spinning and laughing around, you had not been this happy in so long. After a particularly long fit of giggles, James pulled you closer and looked into your eyes with a spark that the two of you hadn't shared in months. When you two were about to lock lips, someone cleared their throat besides you two and the two of you pulled slightly away.

"James could I have a word with you please?" Lily asked looking at James who immediately pulled away from you and went with her after telling you he'd be right back. Just like that you were brought back to reality the cloud 9 that you had been in for a little bit long gone, and again the sinking feeling invaded you, feeling like you were drowning. You needed a drink.

You went to the bar and after getting your drink you decided it wasn't enough, and you needed air. You walked out of the salon where everybody was and made your way to the garden, and that's when you heard it.

"James! You said you two were over, but it sure as hell doesn't look like it! I can't beli-"

"I know, I know, but I can explain Lily please! I-I-I came here with her because she was embarrassed to come alone, so I promised this would be our last outing together." You felt your heart stop, air getting caught in your throat.

"What? That doesn't-" Lily started as you felt the glass in your hands slip and shatter on the ground.

Both of them froze and looked at where you were standing, you could feel a knot forming in your throat but glared at the pair in front of you with tears forming in your eyes.

"Y/n I can explain!"

" I think both of us want an explanation, James, but she deserves it more. Y/n/n I'm so sorry I had no idea you two were still together." Lily went to walk away and James was about to chase after her when she heard you scoff and as you turned around.

"Say goodbye to Alice and Ben for me, would you? I have to go." you rushed out before basically sprinting to the nearest exit, hearing James chase after you, which wasn't hard considering he was taller than you and an athlete. He grabbed your arm when you two had made it to the parking lot and turned you around.

"So that's why I'm getting the cold shoulder." you blurted out before whatever he was able to utter whatever shit excuse he was going to tell you. You almost wanted to laugh, which made you feel like you were insane, but you thought about all the hours you had spent over the past couple of months looking in the mirror trying to see what was wrong with you, overanalyzing every tiny detail in your face. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling, replaying everything you had done that day that might have set James off.

"No no baby, I swear it's not what it looks like, Lily is just bitter we didn't work out, and she's trying to sabotage us! I've just been so stressed because of it, and I am so sorry I let it out on you."

"Bullshit James! You were literally just talking shit about me before i showed up and ruined your little act." You were seething by this point, and James flinched after your outburst. You had never been one to scream, and he knew that, but right now you honestly felt like nothing was the same and you weren't the same. "A-and you wanted to chase after her and you know what? maybe you should. Maybe you have a better shot at getting her back because we are over James Potter! I-I am so tired... I-" You were crying from all the different emotions you were feeling at that moment. Finally getting some enlightenment about why your relationship was dying gave you some relief of the crushing pain you were feeling being hunted by the "what if's" and "why's" you weren't the problem.

James tried to get close and wrap his arms around you. god he felt like an idiot for hurting you. He honestly doesn't know what he was thinking. He had hoped you never found out and had planned to break up with Lily soon enough, but he just needed to explore a little what it could've been like if he had stayed with her. Plus the thrill of it was something that James had loved for the time being, but he never wanted to hurt you. His heart broke at the sight of you, he couldn't imagine what you were feeling.

"Don't even think about it! Don't ever touch me again don't ever look at me, I hate you so much Potter, I don't want to know anything about you from this day on James! We now mean nothing to me, we are strangers!" You glared at him in a way he had never seen you look at anyone, and felt his heart drop.

He tried to protest, feeling the tears leave his own eyes at the idea of losing you completely forever. But you just turned around and walked away.

[tokyasu]

[WIP]

i kind of dont want to ruin the surprise but also i wanted to share this little project im working on.. more under the cut!

first of all i dont know why the colors look so dull on mobile, they look perfectly fine on my pc :,) ill fix that when im done with the entire thing LOL

this said, the pic i posted may look like a simple silvio drawn in twisted wonderland style... and that's half-right! what im actually working on is a rig of this model, my first rig ever :) ive always wanted to try my hand at rigging, and now that im on break from uni i actually found the time and motivation to try it out. i decided to go w the twst style because due to practical reasons (a huge variety of assets to directly learn from) i thought it'd be easier for me, though i'll find out the truth of this decision in a few days when i'll finish the drawing part and actually start rigging.. ahahah....💀

anyway... if my rig ends up being terrible, it'll never truly see the light of the day here on tumblr, so feel free expect things but please keep the bar in hell and dont be too disappointed if there wont be any live2d of the model posted.. (though i'll still post the entire sprite for you all to see since i spent so much time working on it anyway).

this said, for now, i dont plan on making this a series... if i do other models in the future they probably wont be ikeseries related. its a project that is extremely time consuming, and silvio is the only character i love enough to endure all this pain for ahah🧍‍♀️ (though jude and victor would be an option if it wasnt for both their hair and me struggling to make jude look like himself when not drawn in the series' artstyle, sigh)

[notiddygothgf]

4. Taste Like Nicotine

★ pairings: aki hayakawa x fem reader

★ ❝ Go back to Himeno. ❞ ❝ No. That's not what you want. ❞

★ c.w.: suggestive themes, drinking (more content warnings and tags)

★ a/n: HELLO AGAIN MY POOKIE DOOKIES!! IM BACK AGAIN. bc i have nothing better to do atm and i wanted to give yall a lil sum sum before i moved away to uni. please excuse the pacing of this chapter -- this fanfic was supposed to be a oneshot and uh... now its 160 pages in google docs LMFAOOA.. things get spicy in this chapterrr! so yeah anyway, you know the drill, keep me entertained -- keep your funny little comments coming, I absolutely love reading them. You guys motivate me to keep going! Love yall

★ w.c.;4.1k

shameless ; chapter index

THE OFFICE WAS QUIET, the hum of fluorescent lights and the occasional rustling of papers the only sounds that broke the silence. You were alone, finishing up some last-minute paperwork after hours. The mission had gone surprisingly well—no casualties, a rare feat in your line of work. The team had even managed to kill a large Devil containing a piece of Gun Devil Flesh, a significant victory. Yet, instead of joining the others to celebrate, you had chosen to stay behind. Partly to avoid any awkward encounters with Himeno, but mostly because you felt restless, unable to shake off the events of the past few days.

As you finished up the last of your reports, you glanced at the new message on your phone.

HIMENO| you didn't come tonight.

Typing...

YOU

| I didn't think you'd wanna see me after the stunt I pulled.

HIMENO| I dont, but I wanted u to know that everyone is talking abt u

YOU

| ??

| wym

HIMENO

| your shadow didn't come tonight, either.

Typing...

YOU| look, himeno, ive actually been wanting to talk to you about that

| would you be able to meet up and talk it out?

HIMENO| id rather not honestly.

| ur a grown woman and i cant stop u from doing what u want

| but just know that people in pb. safety talk

| dont mess up a relationship with a perfectly good man for aki

| u should leave him for someone who can actually give him what he needs

YOU| I understand that I've hurt you, Himeno, and I'm sorry

| I have no intentions of being with Aki.

HIMENO| good

| dont get him mixed up in ur fucked up marriage

|  he doesnt deserve that.

You sighed, pocketing your phone. There were certain battles you simply couldn't win. This would undoubtedly be one of them.

It was late, and you knew you should head home. You gathered your things and made your way down the dimly lit hallways, your footsteps echoing in the emptiness.

As you passed the breakroom, you heard voices. One familiar voice, more specifically.

You slowed your pace, not wanting to intrude but curious enough to catch a snippet of the conversation. The door was slightly ajar, and you could see two figures inside.

"You look desperate, dude," the unknown person said, barely audible. "It's not attractive."

"I'm becoming ridiculous," Captain Hayakawa said, his voice low and strained. "I'm losing hope."

"Hope of what? Convincing a married woman to break her vows?" the other person retorted, a hint of incredulity in his tone.

Are they talking about me? You asked. You knew the answer. You simply did not want to confront it.

Hayakawa sighed. "I thought she would call me by now," he admitted, the vulnerability in his voice making your stomach churn uncomfortably. "I just... there was something there."

There was a pause, then the other person sighed, his voice softening. "God, you are ridiculous." After a moment, he added, almost reluctantly, "Shit, sorry, man. I know you like her."

"No, you're right," He replied, a note of resignation following his words. "She doesn't want to speak to me. I'm driving myself crazy waiting for someone who's never gonna call."

You felt a knot tighten in your stomach, guilt and confusion swirling together. You hadn't intended to eavesdrop, but now you couldn't just walk away without feeling a pang of something—regret, perhaps? The slip of paper with his number, still in your possession, weighed heavily in your mind. You had been avoiding the situation, avoiding him, and now it was clear how much it had affected him.

Aki's words echoed in your ears as you stood frozen in the hallway.

He was right; you hadn't called him. You hadn't even acknowledged the note, too caught up in your own turmoil and guilt to consider his feelings. Now, hearing him speak so openly, you felt a rush of emotions—sympathy, guilt, confusion. There had been a moment between you, an undeniable spark, but you had chosen to ignore it, to pretend it didn't exist.

When would it all come crashing down – your efforts? This whole situation?

The conversation in the breakroom continued, but you couldn't listen any longer. You turned away, your heart pounding. As you made your way to the exit, you couldn't help but replay Aki's words in your mind.

He had been waiting for you, hoping you would reach out, and now he was losing hope. Fuck.

He had been waiting for me.

The idea thrilled you, for some strange reason. Maybe because you hadn't felt desired like this in years – it made your head spin. But another part of you was terrified—of what it might mean, of the complications it would bring, of the impact on your marriage.

You couldn't help yourself. You did what you always did. You ran away from him.

You knew you couldn't avoid him forever, but for now, you needed time to think. .

7:45 PM

Typing... 

Hey. |

Typing...

Hello, |

Typing...

How are you? |

Typing...

Hey. They're taking me out for drinks tn as a sendoff party. I think you should be there.

SENT.

YOU | Hey. They're taking me out for drinks tn as a sendoff party.

I think you should be there.

| At the Sip-n-savor in downtown Tokyo

Seen 8:00 PM .

The night went on without a flaw. The atmosphere was infectious, and you had been trying to let loose, drink in hand, as you chatted and danced with the others. But as the night wore on, a sense of unease settled in. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the memories of the overheard conversation in the breakroom, or maybe it was the subtle disappointment that someone hadn't shown up.

Excusing yourself, you made your way to the bathroom. The mirror reflected your flushed cheeks and slightly smudged makeup. You sighed, turning on the faucet and splashing some water on your face. As you washed your hands, you found yourself thinking about Aki.

Despite everything, a depraved part of you had hoped to see him tonight. You had been both relieved and disappointed when he hadn't shown up—relieved because it meant avoiding an awkward conversation, disappointed because you had been... well, actually looking forward to seeing him.

As you touched up your makeup, you couldn't help but reflect on your own conflicted feelings. You were married, committed, and yet, Aki had stirred something in you that you simply couldn't stand to ignore. It was confusing, disorienting. You weren't sure what you felt more strongly: guilt for being drawn to him or frustration that you couldn't just let it go.

"Ugh," You groaned, pressing your forehead against the sink. "'M g'nna be sick."

Feeling a bit lightheaded from the drinks, you decided to step outside for some fresh air. You left the bathroom and – completely drunk – maneuvered through the crowds to the nearest door.

The cool night breeze was a welcome relief against your warm skin, and you leaned against the balcony railing, taking deep breaths. The city lights twinkled below, and you watched them in a daze, trying to steady your thoughts.

That's when you saw him.

Aki was just entering the party, his sharp suit and dark hair making him stand out immediately. You felt your heart skip a beat. Then another. He was killing you.

He came, you thought, a strange mix of emotions flooding you. Relief, excitement, and that persistent undercurrent of guilt all tangled together.

He spotted you almost immediately and made his way over. As he approached, you couldn't help but think how painfully gorgeous he looked, the dim lighting casting a soft glow on his features. In that moment, he seemed almost like a knight in shining armor, a figure out of place in the lively, chaotic setting of the bar.

"Hey," he greeted, his voice smooth and warm, a balm to your nerves.

"Hey," you replied, trying to keep your voice steady despite the fluttering in your chest.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, a slight concern in his tone. "You're not cold?"

He always seemed to be worried about you and the weather. Still, the chill felt nice against your hot skin, oddly enough.

I missed you, you didn't say. You didn't even think about it. You knew that in a day you would be back on the train and all of this would just be a bad dream, anyway.

You shook your head, a small smile playing on your lips. "No, I just needed some air. It's a bit stuffy in there."

Aki didn't respond immediately, and when you turned your head up to look at him, his expression was unreadable. The noise from inside the bar seemed distant, the world narrowing down to just the two of you in that moment. You felt a tug in your chest, a pull towards him that you couldn't explain, couldn't deny.

"Did you pregame the bar, or something?" You laughed quietly. It felt nice, being able to pretend nothing had ever happened between the two of you and just... enjoy each other's company. "You smell like beer."

"I was having a few drinks with my roommate before you texted me," He answered. Then, looking out onto the street, he added, "He told me I shouldn't come tonight. Said you're driving me crazy."

"So, why are you here, then?" You asked.

He looked at you. "I think you know why I'm here."

There was a brief silence, comfortable yet charged with the unspoken. You glanced at him, noticing the way his eyes lingered on you, soft but searching. It was the same look he had given you in the seminar, the museum, everywhere else, and it stirred something deep inside you.

You hated the way he made you feel.

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked you. His voice was as deep and rich as ever, and you had about half a mind to take him up on the offer.

You shivered. You knew it wasn't from the cold air. It was him – the smell of him, his cologne, the distinct scent of nicotine that let you know he had just finished smoking a cigarette. It was an aroma so unique to him that you had grown to like it.

You were looking at his lips before you knew it, giving way to a craving you couldn't explain, "I'll try a cigarette, if you have any."

He smiled softly, reaching into his pocket and flipping open a carton of cigarettes and a lighter. He placed a cancer stick between your lips, and you felt a part of you die a little. He struck the wheel of the lighter, bringing the cigarette to life.

You coughed so hard that you nearly hacked up a lung. It had been years since your last cigarette.

Hayakawa stepped behind you, cupping a hand around your elbow, sliding it up your arm, your wrist, your fingers before he plucked the cigarette from your digits.

"First time?" He asked, warm voice hot against your neck.

"Wanted to give it a try," You shrugged. You didn't know what, exactly, had gotten into you. It seemed that with every sip of liquor you took lately, you crept closer and closer back to your old self. The sort of liquid courage that made people make very bad decisions. "Sorry. I'm a little," You waved your hands around yourself, trying to gesture 'drunk' without actually saying it.

"How brave of you," He murmured, pulling a hit from your cigarette and exhaling. He was the picture of sin – face flushed with alcohol, messy bangs, pink lips wrapped around a cancer stick. He was so pretty it hurt.

"I'll try it again when I'm sober," You offered.

"When?" He asked, breathing smoke out into the air. "Where?"

As persistent as always, you thought. Still, you didn't necessarily mind the attention anymore. You told yourself that it didn't matter – you would be out of here soon anyway, and everything would be far behind you before you knew it.

"Why is it that every time I'm inebriated... God tests me by throwing you in my way?" You laughed, Truly, you wished you had considered the implications of your words a little more before you had said them. "Just as I thought your manners had improved since the party. You behaved badly, then. You know that? Very badly," you hiccuped. "You should be ashamed of yourself, throwing– hic–throwing yourself at a married woman like that."

He didn't acknowledge your drunken ramblings, and he also didn't deny the fact that he had been doing exactly that – throwing himself at a married woman.

"Hardly my fault," He breathed out. "I just can't seem to resist you."

"Don't worry," You replied, eyeing him up dubiously as he pulled another hit from what was left of your cigarette. "I'm leaving tomorrow. Won't have to worry about resisting me after that."

"I know," He answered back. "Selfishly enough, I spent the last few hours wishing your train got delayed one more day, or something like that," He exhaled, then snuffed his cigarette out on the balcony, "Still, I'm glad I could see you before you went home."

"I wish I could say the same about you," You replied before you could stop the words from coming out.

He poked his tongue through the inside of his cheek, retorting, "You're gonna sit here and act like you didn't invite me? Like your eyes didn't light up like a child when you saw me pull up?" He turned around, commanding even more of your attention, standing at least a foot and a half taller than you. "You wanted me to come tonight."

It was true. That's the worst part. Everything he said was the truth.

"So that I could say goodbye," You said with remarkable finality, "I'm leaving after this."

You hadn't originally planned on leaving so soon, of course, but you wanted to get the hell out of here before you made another bad decision.

"Already?" He asked.

"You're the one who ran late," You replied. "This ends tonight. I'm going to say bye to everyone else, then I'll be gone."

With that being said, you made your way back to the door. You would go inside, bid everyone farewell, collect your belongings, and then–

He called your name before you could go back inside. You froze in place.

"Am I misreading the signals?" He asked.

You sighed, turning around one last time to clear the air, "This has to stop, Aki. You make me feel like... like I'm guilty of something."

He implored you, "What do you want me to do?"

"Go back to Himeno," You answered, a biting undertone seeping through your words. You were undeniably bitter about the whole situation, and under any other circumstances, you would have tried to be a good sport, but...

Himeno's words were a heavy weight on your heart.

'Don't mess up a relationship with a perfectly good man for Aki.'

'You should leave him for someone who can actually give him what he needs."

You could never be what Aki wanted. He wanted all of you – not just a week of you, clearly. You were married, and you couldn't let all of that go over a guy you'd been toeing the line with for what seemed like ages.

He was a young man. The fact of the matter was that you were a grown woman. A married one.

"She's a sweet, kind woman," You continued. You felt like you were going to be sick just being near him. Unknowingly, tears began to prickle at the corners of your eyes. "Go back and beg her to forgive you. Go be with someone who wants to be with you. Who can be with you."

"No," He answered simply. There was an intensity in his eyes that frightened you, like he would die without you, as he continued, "That's not what you want. I think we both know that. I refused a mission in Hiroshima to stay here with you. I planned to let go of another one in Beijing," He swallowed, "I can change my mind, and you'll never see me again."

"If you have any consideration for me," Your voice was a shuddering whisper, like someone could walk out any minute and hear the two of you going back and forth. "Any semblance– a shrivel of compassion, you'll give me back my peace."

He shook his head, "I can't. You know I can't. You've consumed every inch of my peace, every inch of my mind. How can I give you your peace?"

Fair point.

You had nothing to say to him. So, silently, your vision blurred with tears, you glared at him. Glared and frowned like that would make you believe he was the sole contributor to this issue. Then, again, you turned on your heel and went for the door. You entered the bar quickly.

He followed not too long after you, "I'll go to Beijing, then."

"No." You said. Your teary-eyed fury caught the eyes of more than a few confused bar patrons. "I don't want you to go."

Everyone was looking at you. Seriously, everyone. Your old coworkers, the bartenders, everybody.

You swallowed down your pride, bowing down before them all. "Good night, everyone," You said. You plucked your purse and your jacket off of the barstool. "Thank you for everything. I'm leaving."

Ignoring the confused looks and hushed whispers from the patrons, you exited the bar, your mind a whirlwind of emotions. The rain had started to fall, a soft drizzle quickly turning into a steady downpour. You barely noticed, too wrapped up in the turmoil inside your head. The cold, wet sensation of the rain soaked through your clothes, but you couldn't bring yourself to care. You just needed to get away, to clear your mind.

But of course, Aki followed after you. You could hear him calling your name, his voice barely audible over the sound of the rain. You quickened your pace, almost running, your heels splashing through puddles as you made your way down the block. His footsteps pounded behind you, matching your speed. You couldn't escape him, couldn't outrun him.

Finally, he caught up to you, grabbing your arm to stop you. "Wait, can we please talk?" he pleaded, his voice breathless and desperate.

You turned to face him, rain pouring down around you both. His hair was plastered to his forehead, his suit jacket soaked through. The intensity in his eyes matched the storm, a fierce determination that made your heart ache. You met his gaze begrudgingly, not wanting to deal with this, not wanting to deal with him.

"Have I really been imagining all of this?" He asked. He sounded broken. "Is it really all in my head? Tell me if it's a lie. Tell me to leave you alone. Tell me you mean it—all of it," he paused, taking a shuddering breath. "Or tell me the truth."

You swallowed hard, the weight of the situation crashing down on you. "I don't know how to feel, Aki," you finally admitted, your voice barely a whisper. "I'm trying to be good, but you just keep fucking—popping up everywhere. And you say these pretty things to me, and," You choked back a sob, struggling to find the right words. "I can't help myself around you."

"Running from your problems won't make me go away," he said, stepping forward to put his hands gently on your waist.

There was a long pause as you stood there in the rain, staring at each other. The world seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of you. The storm, the bar, everything else was just a blur. You were tired—tired of running, tired of the confusion, tired of pretending that everything was fine when it wasn't.

He added, "You can't run from your feelings."

This time, it was his eyes that dropped to your lips. His tongue darted out to dampen his own, and then his eyes flicked up to your face. When he spoke, his voice was huskier than before, as if it had been tainted by an emotion that hadn't been there before. Was it lust? Passion? Whatever it was, you wanted more of it.

Your eyes widened. Your mouth had run dry. You didn't know what to say. Even being like this right now -- as close as you were, -- was against your wedding vows. This was wrong, and you couldn't do that to your own husband.

Your own husband who loved you so dearly.

Your own husband who left you hanging so many nights on end.

Your own husband, who acted as if he couldn't care if you lived or died.

As if he had sensed your train of thought wandering, Aki placed two fingers beneath your chin, lifting your face up until he was the captor of all of your attention. Him and him alone. Not your husband, but him.

"I could treat you like a princess," His eyes wandered down to your lips again, but this time there was an unspoken hunger within them. "All you have to do is ask, and I'm yours. I already am."

And, God, what a fool you had been in uttering the words, "Don't toy with my emotions. You don't want me."

He paused, awaiting something, anything. His eyes pleaded with your own, luring you in with promises of pleasure and happiness. Gently, he grabbed your hand, placing it over his breast, right above his heart.

"I want you so badly it hurts," He breathed, "For a night, for a day, for a week..." Aki closed the gap between the two of you – brought your faces closer together. Closer, until you could feel the warmth of his calm breath fanning out against your cheek. Closer, until he uttered, "As long as you'll let me have you."

"Aki, I can't-...." You paused. Yet, still, you never moved. Your body betrayed your words, dilated pupils and trembling hands giving way to your internal dilemma. "This is wrong. You know I can't do this."

You were being a hypocrite. You knew you were. One spare glance down at the placement of your hands on his chest -- one over his breast and one looped around his tie -- and you knew he could tell you were only putting up a front.

"I know," he murmured softly, words practically dying beneath the volume of the rain, "But I can't stop thinking about you."

You folded. Your eyes dropped down to his lips one last time, and that's when you knew he had already won.

Fuck it.

"Fuck you," you muttered, feeling a surge of reckless abandon.

Without thinking, you reached out and pulled him towards you, crashing your lips against his in a desperate, frenzied kiss. It was messy and wet, your tears mixing with the rain, your hands tangling in his hair as his arms finally wrapped around you.

The kiss was filled with all the pent-up emotions, the longing, the frustration, the desire. It was passion, it was anger – it was tongue and teeth and lips smearing your lipstick over the lower half of your face. It was two black holes finally colliding after circling around each other far too long.

"I can't make sense of it. I want... you," you sighed, pulling away, voice trembling, "I don't know what any of this means anymore. I don't know what to think."

"Then don't," he whispered, his breath warm against your lips. He tasted like cigarette smoke, beer and mint gum – a flavor so utterly addicting that you couldn't seem to get enough of it. "Don't think. Let me take you back to your room."

You hesitated, the reality of the situation hitting you. This was crossing a line, a line you couldn't uncross. But as you looked into his eyes, saw the same turmoil reflected back at you, you felt your resolve crumble.

You were tired of pretending.

"Okay," you whispered, your voice barely audible over the rain. It was a final, resigned acceptance, the last nail in the coffin of your restraint.

You were tired of running from the inevitable.

a/n: dont hate me. LMFAOAOAOOAOA. i had to! i absolutely loved writing this chapter and i loved writing tipsy obsessed aki. i headcannon that he's a touchy needy bf and no one can tell me otherwise. i think you all know what happens next. im not sayin nothin tho. hehe. ANYWAYYYYY LMK WHAT YALL THOUGHTTTTT i look forward to hearing it!!! lmk what yall wanna see in the next few chapters/over the course of the story. and if youve already watched anna karenina (or read, in which case... how...) shhhhhh youve seen nothing. muah! x

credits: UNKOWN ATM. I found the cover pic on pinterest unfortch. If you know the artist, please let me know, so I can credit them properly for their work!!! This is NOT MY BEAUTIFUL DRAWINGGG. I obviously do not own csm or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

also: come find me on my wattpad if u wanna interact more!

taglist: @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505 , @acethebrave , @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505

wanna join the taglist? | shameless ; chapter index

[stychu-stych]

Hi, sorry if this is weird but I'm saw in your bio that your a tattoo artist but I found your account theough some cult of the lamb art (it looks cool af) and I've been planning to do illustration and animation at unj but I've also been considering a tattoo artist apprenticeship after i finish that msybe? could you possibly tell me what irs like as an apprentice and if you think I could do my courses at uni and then do an apprenticeship after? I've really been struggling considering my choices and if you had any advice or information about being a tattoo artist weather its on an apprenticeship or actually as a career I would really appreciate it if you had any information for me! I'm so sorry if this is weird and of course you dont have to tell me anything if you don't want to or am uncomfortable too but I'm really curious and with no other sources 😭 (also finding your account may just be like my idol and inspiration while I struggle through school and what I do in the future 😭❤️)

That took me a while to answer because I never feel experienced enough to advise people 😭 Or maybe I should say - I don't feel in a position to advise because, as I once said, I'm mostly a self-taught working at home studio (now almost in my own art workshop with my fiancée) and I don't have much experience working in typical tattoo studio and with other tattoo artists. But I'll try my best ✨

There're many differences between apprenticeship in different countries (and tattooing in general) for example - Poland has one of the lowest price list in Europe but still a lot of people can't afford tattoos. Or that in UK being a tattoo apprentice is a long process. I know for sure that a lot of tattoo artists I know struggle with number of clients compared to previous years. And it won't change for a long time for sure because of inflation. So if you want to start tattooing you need to know that you won't earn much money for a year at least (as I said- it might looks different in another countries)

Also as a tattoo artist (even as a apprentice) you still need to take care of your social media which sometimes can be exhausting and depressing. And I'm telling all of this because I know that you probably won't find this kind of information on other tattoo artists' profiles (unfortunately strategy "look how my life is perfect" works for social media and for getting clients)

But on the brighter side - being a tattoo apprentice isn't something you have to dedicate your whole life to it. Lot of people I know have a second job to be financially stable. I myself don't live only from tattooing - I also help my fiancée with our online store (with our fanmerch and original artworks) and go on conventions with our booth. So you always can do multiple things at once and if you'll decide that tattooing isn't for you - nothing is lost!

The best way to know more about tattoo apprenticeship in your area is to check some groups - for example on facebook- dedicated to learning tattooing

I know that this post is sooo long but believe me, I barely touched the topic. I could write an entire essay about that topic djdbdjdh

Have some wolf lady because I like adding pics to posts sjdbsjsb

[osarina]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the person whose vibe LITERALLY. encapsulates what hozier writes songs ABOUT <3 (IN THE BEST WAY) !! & DAZAI’S GIRL OFCC; miss carina i hope you’ve had the MOST fantastic day already & this year ‘n on treats you SO SO WELL ����🖤 truly u’ve shaken the bsd fandom on here w ur writing & in general such a wonderful person, ENJOY EVERYTHING TONS, fyodor & i showed up w/ the presents to spoil u 🙂‍↕️ (he is forced to pay back what he owed both u & dazai) & i’m giving you another pair of pearl earrings BCZ LOL WE R literally twinning rn i only wear those too !!

if it’s not too much pls do give a little synopsis/scenario excerpt to the BIRTHDAY COMM bcz i am still in awe glancing at it HAHAHAHA

finally, the next time i’ll pop in your inbox i’ll b there to finally express completing waterloo !! srry i am so behind on the bandwagon but it’s only bcz i have put off completing the actual BSD BEAST 😞 i paused halfway thru so i wouldn’t b spoiled, i shall get the courage to do both tho JDJSJ for u; you will get an entire essay no doubt

& GOODLUCK IN UNI SOON TOO !! i start for the first time as well rly soon so i’m hoping this year treats us well & perhaps a lanky brunette man comes along (forces himself into our life) in need of saving on a stormy day ;) LOVE YOU RINA HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN !! ᰔ

REV I'M SIMPLY GOING TO CRY YOU'RE THE SWEETEST EVER, YOU LITERALLY HAVE ME SMILING SO BIG AND MY CHEST FEELS ALL WARM AND FUZZY I LOVE U SM <3333

im giggling imagining fyodor and dazai side-eyeing each other while we sit together chatting, we would both have to keep them in line so they don't start acting up. AND OMGGGG YOU'RE ALSO A PEARL GIRLIE??? i got my first pair from my grandma and ive been obsessed with them since jdfasuhfasfhu i love pearl jewelry

HAHAHAHAHH THE BDAY COMM IM STILL GIGGLING OVER IT - so its set in my pm au actually ihfsuihfauhduf the one ive been writing for a while on here (wykyk) except that i hc that its like a non-canon one where oda didn't die and dazai never left the pm. so dazai & i were pining for like literally 3 years since we were sixteen and then not long before my 19th bday, we finally officially got together. and chuuya was SOOOO sick of it like he's been dealing with both of our dumbasses for 3 years refusing to get together but still blatantly pining for each other. so when we finally got together, he's like UGH finally, but then he realizes that it's worse because we're even MORE insufferable now that we're together. so the comm is set during my 19th bday we're going out for the night and dazai is being dazai and chuuya is SOOOO sick of it but this is the one night he can't say anything so he's just forced to sit there and deal with it LOLLLLL

OMGGGGGG I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU TO FINISH BEAST AND UU!!!!! i dont blame you for putting it off HAHAHHH the end is so heartwrenching like literally whenever i feel like i need a good cry, i go back to reread beast HAHAHH

AHHHHHH OMG YOU'RE STARTING YOUR FIRST YEAR OF UNI??? THAT'S SO EXCITING!!!! good luck sweet rev, i know you're going to kill it!! if you ever need advice or to just vent about uni, my inbox is always open, i get it 100% - uni can be so stressful but at the same time it's so nice. im dreading my classes starting up again but ive missed everyone there so it will be nice to see them again

THANK YOU AGAIN LOVELY <333 I ADORE YOU

[loversj0y]

'tis the damn season

chapter four - now im missing your smile

the final day hits you with a realization you can no longer hide from, with the combination of leaving and potentially losing him marking the day with the grim note of what feels like death row.

tis the damn season masterlist

pairing: cc!wilbur soot x gn!reader

this chapter is more angst-focused, but there is fluff as well. sad ending tho so... :)

trigger warnings: reader's mother is abusive (not physically) and father is emotionally absent. this will be talked about in extensive detail. alcohol, some suggestive themes, and a lot of anxiety, MAJOR TW FOR PANIC ATTACK

author's note: okay. we've reached the final chapter. which feels weird. i may eventually add more into this series, maybe a follow up or even some one-shots surrounding the story. i have a few in mind already actually. but yeah! i hope you enjoy! and i hope you end up as emotionally wrecked as my editor was! also i utilize a cliche in this chapter however. i dont care i love cliches in writing ao3 version is available here!

word count: 6.6k

You woke up to Wilbur singing softly. As you regained consciousness more and more, you recognized the song he was singing. 

“I knew that look, dear, eyes always seeking, was there in someone that dug long ago, so I will not ask you why you were creeping, in some sad way, I already know.”

It was Hozier. Like Real People Do, to be specific. You smiled, your eyes slowly opening. He was looking up at the ceiling, a soft smile on his face, though one hand gently played with your hair. You shifted, causing him to look down at you, but instead of being startled, he kept singing. 

“So I will not ask you where you came from, I would not ask and neither would you,” he gently kissed your forehead, “Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do.” 

You smiled softly, leaning up to gently kiss him. “Good morning,” you whispered. 

He kissed you back, holding you close, “Morning, love.”

“You were singing.” You commented quietly, and he nodded.

“Glad you noticed,” he joked. “Was just feeling sing-y this morning, I suppose.”

You smiled, leaning up a bit, “were you up singing for long?”

He pushed a strand of your hair back gently, shaking his head, “Not really. I’ve only been up for around thirty minutes, you just looked very peaceful, so I didn’t want to move and wake you.” 

“That’s sweet,” you hummed, “what time is it?”

“Just past noon.”

You nodded softly. Just under eight hours left together then. You sat up slowly, but Wilbur caught your arm and pulled you back down. You chuckled softly at his warm grin, “Wilbur, we have to clean, and I need to pack.” 

He hummed, “I disagree, actually. I think, if you were to look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, neither of those things falls there. However, right there, at the base, the most essential thing is actually us cuddling together and listening to some sweet, loving music together.”

You chuckled, laying your head against his chest. “Fine. But only for a bit.”

He cheered, grabbing his phone to start playing some soft love songs, all very guitar-based in their composition.

“Are you excited to go back to Brighton?” You asked quietly.

“Somewhat,” he shrugged, “It’ll be nice to be back in my place, but I’ll definitely miss being here. It’s not great being back here, but you know,” he gave you a soft smile, “there can be some hidden charms.” 

You flushed lightly, nodding. “I agree. There are definitely some hidden charms.”

He chuckled, wrapping his arms loosely around you. “I know you’re not excited to go back, but are you at least excited to finish Uni?”

“Insanely.” You laughed, leaning your head against him, “The studying is interesting, but my god, I’m ready to just be done with the constant exams and tests and being told my interpretations are wrong.” 

“Do you get told that often?”

“Sometimes,” You shrugged,  “I have a habit of putting romance in places it doesn’t belong.” 

He smiled, “Always the hopeless romantic, hm?”

“In a sense. I just find that people will try to love, even if they shouldn’t. I mean think about Shakespeare’s work. Romeo and Juliet, the classic love tragedy, but then there’s also an entire sonnet he wrote basically insulting a woman just to end it by saying he loves her. And even in Macbeth, Macbeth listens to Lady Macbeth’s sadistic urges because he loves her and trusts her. People always focus on the negatives of these stories without focusing on how much romance truly exists inside of them. People always call Lady Macbeth an insane woman, and while she is, she is loved. The story would hardly happen if she wasn’t loved.”

He hummed softly. The entire time you spoke, he looked genuinely interested. It was almost startling. You weren’t used to being taken seriously when you spoke about the things you loved to talk about. Usually, it was a faux nod and an “oh, yeah”, but Wilbur was paying full attention to each syllable. Even if he’d been doing this for the past two weeks, it still shocked you. You wondered how long it would take you to get used to this. 

“I like that interpretation.” He smiled softly. “Makes things seem less bleak. More crime of passion rather than just crime.” 

You chuckled softly, “Exactly. I’m not exactly an optimist, but I do find it prettier to look at things like that.” 

He nodded, “It definitely is prettier. See, these are the thing I want to know more about you. Just another thing to add to my list of things I’ve memorized about you.”

“I guess so. I wouldn’t say that’s exactly part of how I perceive the world, but it is part of how I view literature, so which is a big part of my life, so.” 

“Which is just the type of thing you could bring to lyrics. Some of the best lyrics are just allusions. Mostly to biblical things, but still.” 

“I don’t know about lyrics, but maybe. I could give it a go at some point. I’m sure I’ll have to write a lyrical piece in one of my writing classes at some point anyway.”

“I think you would be fantastic at writing lyrics.”

“I think you’re biased.”

“I absolutely am biased.” 

You laughed, burying your face against him gently. He kissed the top of your head, rubbing your back gently. 

“Do you think if I convinced my band to let us write an entire song about two frogs falling in love, anyone would notice?”

You threw your head back with a loud laugh, a wide grin on your face. “With your writing prowess? Only if you wanted people to.”

“Do you think it’d make for a good song?” He snickered under his breath, clearly trying to hide his own laughter.

“Oh, absolutely,” you laughed, “you just have to give them a good story. Like maybe - maybe they live in opposite ponds, and he’s been admiring her beauty, so he starts going over to try and get to know her, but she refuses to like him, saying he’s not worth her time. But then, he comes by every day to sit there with her, a lilypad away, and eventually, they start talking. And just when he’s about to lose hope, he wakes up to find her waiting in his pond, showing how much she’s fallen for him, and that’s how they end up together.” 

He smiled happily, “That’s a good story. Is it taken, I might use it?”

You hummed, “You can use it, under one condition. If you use it, you need to put one word in it, anywhere you want, but it has to be in it.”

“What word?”

You thought for a moment, trying to pull through every old scholarly vocabulary paper you’d studied. “Limerence.”

“Limerence?”

You nodded, “It’s like an obsessive crush. A crush, but all-encompassing and not entirely healthy. You have to find a way to use it without making their love seem negative.”

He hummed, “Okay. I can do that. Wish I knew that word for the E-Girl trilogy, would’ve been a good one to include.”

“I’m sorry, the what?”

He flushed, suddenly embarrassed. “It’s a bit hard to explain, okay? It’s these three songs that I have and they’re from the perspective of a simp incel type of guy who is obsessed with a streamer who he used to be in school with. It’s supposed to make fun of guys like that.”

You leaned over him, grabbing the TV remote from the side table and handing it to him. “Put it on, right now, please,” you giggled softly. 

He did so begrudgingly, clearly embarrassed to show you. He played all three music videos for you, and you grinned up at him. 

“Don’t be so embarrassed, they’re really cool.”

“I’m not embarrassed about the quality, it’s more about you seeing me playing a character like that.”

“Well, yes, but you’re just playing a character.”

“I know, but I’d hate to think of you seeing me like that. I care a lot about your opinion of me.”

You smiled softly, gently playing with his hair, “Don’t worry. I know how to separate you from your online persona, not to mention the art you create. I think the stuff you do is so cool. Plus, I like how goofy you are in your content and stuff, I find it quite cute.”

“Good, I’m glad,” he relaxed a bit, before speaking again, “You’ve been watching my content?”

You flushed lightly, “Mostly your VODs and such. I haven’t watched your Youtube content too much yet.”

He grinned proudly, “I’m glad you’ve been enjoying it.” He snickered softly before speaking again as if telling a private joke, “Have you checked if you’re subscribed? You know, most people don’t know that there’s a glitch on Youtube that unsubscribes you, so you should really double check.” He broke into laughter as he finished, and you rolled your eyes, kissing him. 

“With jokes like that, you should be lucky I haven’t purposefully unsubscribed yet.”

He gasped in mock horror, “How could you? When- when subscribing is completely free?” 

You both fell into laughter, holding each other close. You continued talking for a long while, trying to absorb as much of each other as you could. You had one thought that you simply couldn’t push out of your brain, it kept coming back every other moment. Today feels like an apocalypse. It was a thought that perplexed you, because you understood it without fully divulging it’s meaning. It more accurately felt like the moment before the apocalypse, where everything seems peaceful. Most people speaking about tragic events always talk about a warning feeling in their chest, but you didn’t feel that. And while it should have been comforting, you already knew what was coming, the tragedy of leaving him was not an unsuspecting one you had to rely on intuition to prepare for. It was something that you were aware of, something you knew was coming regardless of how much you wished for it to not. You could hear the clock counting you down in your head. Every second. Tick. Tock. It made you feel a bit insane. Tick. Tock. To have this constant awareness of the passage of time, counting down your seconds to leaving him. Tick. Tock. It felt like a death march. Tick tock. It felt like an execution. Tick tock. It felt like the end. 

Wilbur’s voice pulled you out of your head this time. He hadn’t noticed your descent into madness, staring at the ceiling and thinking himself. You wondered if the clock was ticking in his head as well. Even if it was, his demeanor for the time being seemed much more positive than your own. “What should we do when you visit Brighton for the first time?”

“Hm, I’m not sure. What could we do?”

He smiled, “We could go walking about the lanes, there’s a lot of nice shops there. I could take you to my band rehearsal, as well. You could meet Tommy and some of my other friends in person as well. We could go on the i360, and get a nice view. We should go to the beach, too. Wait until night so we get some privacy as well. We could swim, too, but we don’t have to. Depends on when you visit. But the beach we definitely have to visit.”

“That all sounds really lovely. Especially the beach. I can’t remember the last time I was able to stare out at the water.”

He smiled, “It’s settled then. We can’t do everything all at once, though, obviously. We have to save some things for each time you come to visit.”

“Oh, of course. We take it bit by bit. Though, I’d like to go to your band rehearsals every time if possible. If not, maybe then I’ll hang out with Tommy or something.”

He chuckled, “Okay, that’s a deal, then.” His voice drowned out the ticking, you noted to yourself with a smile. 

You sat up slowly,  “How long have we been here?” 

He grabbed his phone, checking the time, “it’s 2:30,” he sighed.

You stood, and this time he knew that he wouldn’t be able to convince you to stay longer. The ticking was faster and louder now. Ticktock, Ticktock, Ticktock. “We have to be at the station by 8:30, and the station is twenty minutes away, but because of traffic, we’ll probably be better off leaving at 8.” Five and a half hours left. “Right, let me change and finish packing first.” 

He sat up while you changed, standing slowly and stretching. He pulled out his jumper from your bag, handing it to you. “You should wear it. On the train.”

You smiled softly at him, pulling it on. Once you did so, you grabbed your phone, and he watched as you sent him a quick text of just a smiley face. You looked back up at him, “Just making good on our deal.”

He smiled, leaning forward and kissing you gently. You leaned into the kiss, holding onto his arms lightly. It was a delicate kiss, both of you seemingly feeling as though anything more than that could shatter the atmosphere. He placed a kiss on top of your head as well, before slowly pulling away. Neither of you said anything. Neither of you really needed to, you both knew what you were feeling. The mixed sense of dread and grief for something you haven’t lost yet, the feeling of knowing you have to leave something wonderful behind, the mourning of time passing. He helped you to finish packing your things, and together, you both brought your luggage downstairs, just to keep it at the door for later. Part of you felt bad knowing you couldn’t give him something like he’d given you his jumper. Your clothes wouldn’t fit him, and you didn’t have much else. After a moment, it came to you, but you decided you wanted to wait to give it to him.

He went to the kitchen, starting to clean up the dishes from the past few days, some of them needing to be cleaned and some just to be put away. While he did that, you focused on cleaning up some of the trash from the living room, such as some takeout and drink containers. You also made an effort to clean up the New Year’s decorations, and if a few of the stars he’d made were slipped into your bag, you were definitely none the wiser. The cleaning was mostly a quiet affair, Wilbur’s playlist was still playing softly from a speaker. You could hear him singing along occasionally, and it warmed your heart every time. When you’d finished taking all the trash out, you walked over behind him, arms wrapping around him. He smiled, taking some bubbles from the washing liquid and putting them on your hand gently. You chuckled softly, moving your hand up to blow the bubbles off. You pulled away from him, and he turned around. He took your hand, spinning you in a circle to the music. You chuckled, and before you knew it, the two of you were dancing around the kitchen to the music. You grinned wider with each step, and he kept a hand placed on your lower back. You moved in slow circles around the kitchen, eventually coming to one place and just swaying together with the music. 

“Look at me,” he spoke softly after a minute, and you did, slowly looking up to meet his gaze. 

He smiled lovingly, just observing your face for a moment.

“What are you doing?” You spoke up.

He smiled fondly, “Making sure I’ve committed you to memory.”

You flushed, reaching up to touch his face, “I love you.”

You watched and felt as his face lit into a grin, the corners of his eyes crinkling in a way you could only describe as endearing. Every time you said those words it felt like a wave of relief washing over you. 

“I love you too,” he kissed you lovingly, that grin never leaving his face. You kissed him back, and you knew you shared a similar grin. Neither of you wanted to pull away, the sheer amount of love being shared filling the both of you up entirely.

Wilbur did eventually pull away for air. He panted quietly for a moment, still staring down at you, before taking a look around the room. The place looked like there was no trace of you or Will ever existing there. It almost felt like a movie set rather than a real place now, with a lack of life throughout the room. It was still his parent’s place, but it didn’t feel real anymore. It was honestly chilling to look at. Wilbur seemed to feel it too. 

“We’ve still got about three hours. Want to go eat out somewhere?”

You both decided to walk to the main street. It was colder today, but, hand-in-hand, neither of us really seemed to notice. There weren’t many dining places open on New Year’s Day, especially not in a small town like this, but there was one place that was pretty much always open. It was a family-run restaurant, having been run for generations before you or Wilbur were born. It was a nice place, a bit run-down, but that wasn’t exactly any different from most of the places here. The family was always kind to you and Wilbur, letting you both hide out here sometimes after school in exchange for helping them clean up. Wilbur opened the door for you, and you both walked in. The place was empty, but it still had a warm atmosphere. There was a gasp, and you both turned in the direction of the sound. Wilbur pulled his hand away from yours, almost involuntarily, but he held your hand once again when he saw the source of the gasp.

“My goodness, my eyes must deceive me!” Liza, known more correctly as Mrs. Liza by all the younger kids in town, was one of the owners. She was an older lady, probably approaching her mid-sixties now, and her husband, Albert,  was one of the owners as well, though he primarily worked in the back of house. Mrs. Liza was always especially kind to you, knowing your situation, and she even hired you for a bit in high school to help out during the busy seasons. She walked over to you and Wilbur, a wide grin on her face as she pulled you both in for hugs. 

“Hi, Mrs. Liza,” you and Wilbur both said in unison. 

“You’ve both grown so much. I can’t believe it, it’s only been four years!” You chuckled as you hugged her back, a wide smile on your face. 

She pulled Wilbur in for a hug next before pulling back to get a good look at the both of you. After a moment, she gave a knowing smile at the both of you.

“Now, would you look at this? I predicted many years ago the two of you would’ve gotten together, I knew it, I told Albert, you give those kids some time, and they’ll be together soon enough. How long have you been married?”

You flushed, and Wilbur chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck with a faint blush on his cheeks as well. “We’re not, actually. We just got together.”

She looked genuinely shocked, scoffing a bit, “What is this then? Is this your first date?”

You shook your head, still somewhat embarrassed, “We had a date last night at Wilbur’s place.”

She nodded, tutting softly, “Well, then, take a seat anywhere you’d like. We’ll make this a proper date. I’ll let Albert know the news, and he’ll prepare something extra special for you both.”

“Oh, you don’t have to–”

“Hush with that, dearie, just take a seat. We’ve got this covered.”

Wilbur looked back at you. “Back corner?”

You nodded softly. The back corner booth was always your and Wilbur’s spot back in school. The number of hours you would spend sitting there, whether you were studying or you were both ranting about how much you hated your classmates. You followed him, and sitting in that booth felt more like being home than being in your parent’s house ever did. 

“God, the conversations we’ve had here,” you hummed softly. 

He laughed, “Yeah. The number of times I’d just stare at you while you rambled on. There were so many times you would ask for my opinion on something, and I’d have to scramble for an answer because I was just so focused on how pretty you looked, especially when the sun started to set. The light would always hit your face at this perfect angle.”

You flushed softly, “How did I never notice?”

“I always made sure you were distracted,” he chuckled softly, “I’d get you started on some topic just to listen to you talk.”

“Is that why you asked me so many questions about the professors I hated?”

He laughed, “Yeah. I knew why you hated them, I just always acted like I didn’t so you’d start talking, and I could listen and admire you.”

You looked down shyly, focusing on a chipped piece of wood on the table. You still weren’t used to his compliments. 

“Is that why you’d walk me home all the time too?”

He hummed, “No. I also just like your company. As much as I’ve always crushed over you, you always were and will be my best friend first.”

You looked back up at him, a sweet smile on your face. “I know what you mean. I’ll always have loved you as my best friend before loving you as my…” you faltered. You and Wilbur hadn’t exactly put a name to what it is you’d been doing. You both seemed to consider each other as being together, but you couldn’t say exactly what it is you were. You couldn’t necessarily say he was your boyfriend, not only had that not been asked or decided, but you were leaving in under three hours, so it wasn’t like you could claim those titles. But you also couldn’t just say a friend, you were both far more than that. Even friends with benefits wasn’t correct, you guys had emotional involvements, so that wouldn’t work. Wilbur seemed just as conflicted as you, thankfully, but you didn’t have a chance to talk about it as Mrs. Liza came back with a bottle of wine and a basket of bread. 

“Just something to start you off properly. Albert is making your food right now. Wilbur, I remember you can’t taste quite well, so Albert is making sure none of the textures are ones you don’t like, alright?”

Wilbur smiled fondly at her, nodding, “thank you, really.”

She smiled happily, grabbing two wine glasses and pouring you guys both a glass. 

“This is really too kind, Mrs. Liza,” you chuckled softly.

She tutted at you, lightly flicking your forehead, “Nonsense, dearie. I’ve watched you two grow up, it’d be wrong of me to make sure you two aren’t having a wonderful time. I knew that you’d end up together at some point, I’d tell Albert every day how much you both reminded me of him and me. That’s also why this is the same wine he and I shared on our first proper date. He got me rather drunk, he did, but my goodness, it was worth it to see how much he already cared about me. A real gentleman, he is, just like you, William, I’d hope.” She chuckled softly.

Wilbur flushed, smiling appreciatively at her. “Of course. I try my best.”

She smiled happily, “Well, I’ll leave you two alone now to bond.”

She shuffled back to the kitchen with a soft smile. 

Wilbur picked up his wine glass, taking a look at the bottle for a moment, “Wow. This is… fancy. A cabernet sauvingnon, from France too.” 

You nodded, picking up my wine glass. “Guess they really believe in us.” You chuckled softly. 

He sat up a bit straighter, holding his glass up in a toast. “To our future.”

You smiled fondly, “To our future.” 

Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.

Mrs. Liza brought out your food, some nice home-cooking style food that felt familiar to both you and Wilbur. Albert ended up coming out as well, giving you both big hugs and wishing you both the best. You both finished eating, as well as finishing the wine which was fantastic. You both went to pay, but Mrs. Liza refused to accept the payment. Even so, you and Wilbur both left about fifty pounds cash on the table for them, feeling too guilty about leaving without at least paying something.

 You walked back to Wilbur’s place, and you both were quieter as you became more and more aware that it was time. You grabbed your luggage and lifted it into Wilbur’s car, and you drove off to the train station. The drive was quiet, but you both held each other’s hands like a lifeline. 

He parked at the train station, and you checked the time. It was 8:03 P.M. exactly. The ticking felt overwhelming now, and even Wilbur’s presence wasn’t helping. Ticktockticktockticktock. You started to feel your breathing pick up a bit. Ticktockticktockticktock. You guys were early, at least.  Ticktockticktockticktock. That at least eased your anxieties about being late.  Ticktockticktockticktock. Maybe you could just sit here.  Ticktockticktockticktock. Maybe you could just stay.  Ticktockticktockticktock. Maybe you could just stay here with him and everything would be perfectly fine.  Ticktockticktockticktock.

“-ey! Hey!’ Wilbur’s voice just barely cut through the ticking. You looked over at him, but you didn’t really see him. There was a faraway look in your eyes, unable to focus on anything. He held your hand tighter, gently moving your hand to place it on his chest, giving you something more tangible and solid to feel.

“Starlight, look at me, tell me, what’s something you can see right now?”

You wanted to reply. You could see him. But you couldn’t get the words out. You tried tapping on his shoulder gently, but your fingers were already trembling to the point where he couldn’t tell. 

“Okay,” he sighed frantically, “that’s not going to work.” He started overexaggerating the slow pace of his breathing, never once taking his eyes off of you. “You’re okay, you’re in the car with just me, we’re safe, we’re just here together, relaxing.” He repeated these affirmations until your breathing was slightly more controlled. 

He tried asking again, “What’s something you can see?” 

Your words still wouldn’t come out, but you were able to tap him successfully this time. “Me? Okay, okay, tap once for yes, and twice for no, okay?” 

You tapped once. 

“Do you want a hug?”

Two taps. That would just make it harder to ground yourself.

He nodded, “Is the breathing helping?”

One tap.

He nodded again, being even more specific in his slow breathing. 

“Alright, darling, I know you can’t say it aloud, so don’t worry about that, but I want you to find two things you can hear. Tap me three times when you have.” 

His voice. Soft music came through his speaker. Three taps. 

“Alright, very good, darling, you’re doing amazing. Now, same thing this time except, other than me, find me four more things you can see.”

The steering wheel. The buttons on the car radio. The flaked leather of the center console. The small Capybara keychain on Wilbur’s keys. Three taps. 

This time, you found your voice again, “I- I think I’m good.”

Wilbur let out a relieved sigh, nodding. He didn’t stop his slow breathing, though. He gently reached over, taking your other hand and holding it gently. It took a few minutes before you really felt like you returned to yourself, and you took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry,” you spoke softly.

He frowned, squeezing your hand gently, “Don’t apologize. Do you want to talk about it?”

You groaned a bit but nodded. As much as you hated it, you did know talking it out would help, “I feel… like I’m about to walk the gallows.”

He gave you a look, beckoning you to elaborate.

“It’s just… ever since I woke up this morning, I’ve just heard this clock in my brain ticking faster and faster until the train. It’s just felt so overwhelming, you know? Today entirely felt like a death march all leading up to this. And now… the idea of getting on that train feels so impossible, but I know that I have to. I feel suffocated by it. The obligation and the uncertainty. I want nothing more than to just remain here with you because I’m happy with you, but I know that I’ve put so much into my education and that I’m almost done, so I can’t just abandon it all. And I feel like for all we’ve talked about, nothing was truly settled, so I just feel like I’m walking to my death, that I’m going to get on that train and everything is going to change. I won’t be able to keep up, and everything is just going to get worse.” 

He frowned, nodding quietly. He looked at a loss for words. 

He spoke after a moment, “Some things are going to change when you leave. We won’t be cuddling in my old bedroom anymore, and we won’t get to see each other every day. But nothing else has to change. I know we… haven’t really defined ‘us’, but whatever it is we’re doing, we can continue. I know you’re worried about being busy, but as long as you try, we can make it through this. As far as school, we could try and find small things to make it a bit easier. Maybe we can try and find you a better place in London. I know it won’t fix things, but it could help. You spent years here holding on for something better. You can do a year, I know you can.”

You sighed softly. You knew he was right, but fuck if it didn’t annoy you how easy it was for him to soothe 75% of your anxieties. 

 He spoke up again, speaking sardonically, “You know, it’s almost funny. You dealt with so much in this place for so long that London became an escape. Now it’s backward. Now you’re trying to use this place to escape London”

You hummed softly, letting out a chuckle, “I wouldn’t say this place is my escape.” You looked up at him, looking into his eyes.

He flushed lightly, squeezing your hand a bit tighter. You knew he understood. He always understood. 

“You’re serious that nothing has to change?”

He smiled, giving your hand a gentle kiss, “Nothing that we can control. Though, we do have to talk further about the whole Twitch thing.”

“We still have,” you checked the time. 8:23. “Like 10 minutes.”

He nodded, “Well, there’s a lot we’ll have to go into, so we can’t talk about all of it now, but… some people online are pretty invasive. They’ll try to find information out about you. If they see your face, they might try to go up to you in public or stuff. Most of them mean well, but some of them don’t realize when they’re being invasive. I’m just worried about your privacy and your safety.” 

“Wilbur, I barely have an online presence. The most they could probably do is find me in our old yearbooks.”

“I mean, we don’t know that. I’m just worried they might try and be mean to you or treat you badly.”

You smiled lightly. It was reassuring to see how much he cared about your well-being. “I understand the risks. But truthfully, I think it may be the least of our worries. They don’t know what I look like, and they don’t know my name, and they don’t know we’re romantically involved. We’re safe for now, at least, and then, later on, we can discuss letting them know and such.”

He nodded softly, gently pressing a kiss onto my hand, “Alright.”

You gently moved a bit of his hair out of his eyes, “I really don’t want to go,” you whispered with a soft sigh.

He frowned, holding your hand to his cheek, “I’d follow you if I could. The first chance I have to visit, I’ll be right there, bearing the smog and crowds.”

“You’d do all that just for me?”

“I’d deal with a lot worse for you.”

You gently stroked your thumb over his cheek, sighing shakily. “God, this fucking hurts.”

He chuckled softly, “Always a way with words.”

You rolled your eyes a bit, racking your brain for some higher-level words, “I don’t need eloquence to describe the pain of leaving you. My love is simplistic and so shall my words be. The strongest pain is that which can only be described in the most uncomplicated terminology.”

He chuckled softly, “Really putting that English degree to good use, hm?”

You laughed, lightly hitting his arm, “You dick.”

“It’s a lot of big words, that’s all,” he laughed, gently squeezing your hands, “you could be using that soon-to-be degree for some really cool things, don’t forget that.”

“I know. Trust me, I won’t forget.”

“Good. Because I will be bringing a horde of people to your graduation that you could work for.”

“Oh, god,” 

“I’ll have an entire group of people cheering just for you and embarrassing you.”

“Do not, oh, god. At least wait until after the graduation when I pack all my things and hide in your apartment for two weeks.”

He grinned at that, perking up a bit, “So, what I’m hearing is, your graduation party will be at my apartment?”

“I wasn’t planning on having one, but I guess I’ll have some free time after graduation while I search for jobs, so… if you want to hold me one, I’d much rather spend it with you than people who only care about me as an academic reference.”

He threw his arms up in celebration, cheering, “I’m going to start planning now. I’ll make it a perfect sort of homecoming celebration.”

“Homecoming?” You gave him a coy smile.

He didn’t even blush, speaking with full confidence, “You’re my home too. I’ll always celebrate you coming back to me.”

Tears welled in your eyes with those words. “Fuck,” you cursed softly, “damn you and your amazing way with words.” you leaned up, pulling him in for a long, loving kiss. 

He chuckled lightly into the kiss, but he kissed you back with just as much warmth and love. The kiss took over everything; you were barely aware of your own bones because of just how much this kiss took over your whole being.

He pulled away slowly, gently placing a hand on your cheek. He took a slow, shaky breath. He didn’t want to speak. But he had to. “Love… it’s time.”

We both got out of the car. He got my suitcase out from the trunk while you pulled your backpack on. He placed a hand on the small of your back underneath the bag, and he slowly walked us into the train station. 

“You have your ticket already?”

You nodded softly. It was in your wallet. He continued to walk to two of you to the train line, and once you were there, he stood in front of you. Neither of you knew what to do for a solid moment before Wilbur reached over, pulling you in for a tight hug. You hugged him back desperately, a shaky breath leaving you.

“Don’t- don’t go ghost on me, okay? I can’t handle losing you again.”

You nodded quickly, holding onto him tightly, “Just be patient with me. I don’t want to lose you because one of us did something stupid again.” 

 As you spoke, you leaned out of the hug to take his hand. You gently slipped a bracelet onto his wrist. It was an old one, a simple leather cord with silver beading. You wore it every day, and in school, you were convinced it gave you good luck. While you didn’t believe much in luck these days, the bracelet still meant a lot to you, and Wilbur knew that. 

He nodded as well, “Okay. I can do that.” He looked down at the bracelet, tearing up as he saw it. “You don’t have to-”

“I know,” you gently squeezed his hand, “I just want you to have something of me.” He nodded, pulling you into a tight hug once more, and his breathing seemed to be just as shaky as your own.

It was time to start getting on the train, but you were going to make every last second count. You had tears in your eyes as you pulled out of the hug just enough to look up at him.

You placed a hand on his cheek, taking a shaky sigh before speaking, “you made this the best two weeks I’ve ever had.”

The tears in my eyes began to fall, and he wasn’t far behind as he pulled you in for a desperate kiss. If the kiss earlier took over your whole being, this one took over the whole world. In this moment, he was your whole world, the only thing that mattered. Time didn’t pass in this mental void you two remained in, it was just you and him. 

It couldn’t last. You pulled apart as the deadline continued to close in. 

“I love you so, so much,” He whispered, tears falling slowly down his cheeks. 

“I love you too, Will,” you sobbed out, arms refusing to let go of him. 

“Darling, you have to go,” he reminded you, his voice cracking as he spoke. 

You nodded, weakly and reluctantly pulling away from him. He quickly leaned in to give you another loving kiss, this one much faster. 

You exchanged the final “I love you”s before you trudged onto the train.  

…

Fuck.

You felt like a cleaver had come across your neck, only leaving the tiniest part hanging on. You knew this would hurt, but openly sobbing on public transit is a new low. The only upside was that, with this being a night train, you wouldn’t be bothered as you sat in your own sadness. You went to find a seat, sitting by a window. You could see Wilbur. He seemed to be holding it together a bit better, his eyes scanning as he searched for you in the window. You already found yourself missing his smile. He made eye contact, giving you a wave. You waved back, but it felt half-hearted. Without him next to you, you could feel all the uncertainty around your relationship, and the future start to bubble back up. He said nothing would change. He said you would be visiting each other. You just didn’t know if that was true. You were busy and so was he. You have already drifted apart from every other person in your life because of your harsh schedule… how would this actually be any different? Not to say you were planning on giving up, but you had to be a realist. Something would pull you apart. You couldn’t handle any personal relationships, your classwork and actual work never gave you a moment of freedom. You weren’t going to give up, you would try, you really would. But as the train pulled away, and you and Wilbur gave each other a final wave, you left behind a kind fantasy of the only person who felt like home and headed towards uncertainty.

taglist: @shubblelive / @superioritycomplexes / @your-shifting-gurl (send an ask/dm me if you want to be added)

[ekslibris]

i feel so isolated from other people especially people my own age im slowly going insane. my friends and peers are still going to uni or slowly finishing it and starting good jobs and i just.. i have nothing to offer. and i dont want to complain to my friends because its embarrassing and im embarassed but regardless even when i do complain to them they just try to relate and talk about their problems and i get it but at the same time i get so annoyed because well at least you got a degree and a job that may open things to you in the future. and i still have nothing to offer. and i dont even have any desire to go back to uni and im definitely not paying for it because i dont have any money for that but everyone acts like its a done deal that i will go back because well what can you do with only a high school education. well i dont fucking know? kill myself???? and i dont even hate the job that im doing now because its mostly easy but i cant live on min wage anymore and i have to find something else that i know is going to be much much worse. and im constantly thinking about people working 'bad'/difficult/badly paid jobs and im thinking this will be my entire life everyday. also i keep thinking how even if i somehow make it theres just going to be another person in my place. and my mom is asking well what do you care about other people worry about yourself, but i am 'other people' now? and regardless i dont want others to be in this and have bad shitty jobs but i guess theres always going to be someone being a cashier at mcdonalds but i dont want it to be me or anybody else . and also anytime i work 8-10 hours for more than like 4 days in a row it feels like i cant even do anything else because theres just no time and im really trying and im trying to work out more consistently and run more and cook more organized than i did before and stay on top of things as they need to be done and i even signed up for a dance class but its not even worth it because in the end its just another thing that is costing me money but its just whatever. i always feel tired and apathetic. i dont want to say im depressed but really i dont know what else to do at this point. i dont have any desire to keep doing what im doing and i have nothing to look forward to and im just tired. i wish i could go back to that psychiatrist i was forced to see in high school because she tried to push antidepressants onto me several times and i always declined because i was against that and honestly my stance on that hasnt really changed but at this point well why not try antidepressants if i cant get myself out of it like i managed to get myself out of it back then. and at least i dont have somebody constantly screaming at me everyday now that i moved into a new place in september so thats better now and the roommate situation is the best that can be but still. im constantly just thinking money and time money and time how much money i wil have left if i do this or buy that and how much time i will have left after work and after i do this and that and this and that and how theres always another thing that needs to be done. and i dont want to do any of it and i dont even know why im doing any of it. and obviously im too big of a pussy to actually kill myself or do anything drastic but like ? at one point this will stop because it will because i will stop doing it. and as i said i feel alone and seeing my friends makes it better but we dont have that much time to see eachother because we all have such different schedules. and honestly seeing her this summer also pointed out how i dont feel that much attached to my friends and how i miss real connection and being close to somebody but that is a whole other thing for another time. anyway yay life in your twenties am i right???

[inevitably-johnlocked]

i have a confession

recently i had some trouble and had to delete an email

problem is, i used the google docs there to write my fics. and i thought i downloaded them all, but only one of my major ones did, and i lost everything else

literally all of it

i am anonymous because i lost my tumblr acc but on ao3 i am veetheree, and i had this longer dilemma regarding my potterlock fic (pretty disillusioned with rowling and all.that, unsure whether to continue) but even so i saw that a lot of people subscribed to it and i wanted to at least see where the story leads, i had over 300k words apart from the 40k i published

and i domt hve it anymore :') i didnt check the process because it seemed okay and i had other uni and work stuff to take care of, and now i check it and :') it's gone :')) im not doing well, and i am going to delete the fic i think

i dont have the energy to maintain it and i dont want it to be left in the dust either - i have lost all hope for it, and this is just a punch in the gut. and i was proud of the plot and how i intertwined the 2 worlds too

this is mostly just a rant because i dont really have anybody else who can relate to the pain of fic writing and the challenges that come with it

also, as to why i had to delete the email - it's complicated, hacking situation and such, but it happened over 2 months ago so im not able to retrieve it and neither do i really feel like looking into it, im done with that fic for good 😭

that's all, thank you for being a safe space for me to go to, and i apologise to anyone who was waiting for that fic to be updated :(

Hey Lovely *HUGS*

OH GOODNESS, I'm SO sorry you had a garbage time with your email, and even more so, accidentally deleted fics from your Google Drive without saving all of them. I'm TERRIFIED of losing my own fics from my G-Drive all the time (I do actually write and have about 15 "snippets" of fics on there) and back them up religiously.

That said, I can understand how life can overtake literally everything and just make being online Too Much™ – happens to me all the time 💜🖤. And I know how disheartening it can be to just... not have the motivation anymore to continue on with something, heaven knows I've done that plenty in my 40 years, LOL. And Lovely, we have to remember to do what's best for us in the long run.

When I was a teen, I wrote a fairly popular Sonic fanfic series that I never completed, literally left it on a cliffhanger. This was back before even FFNet, and fics were distributed in the Sonic fandom on our Geocities pages via Webring, LOL. After life took over, it still remains unfinished over 20 years later. I recently found the original word docs of all 9 of the stories (with the 10th one half-finished) and while I cringe at my bad writing from back then, I still love immersing myself in that world. One of these days, maybe I'll finish it, because I do think it was a great concept and intriguing storyline that dealt a lot with humanity and sentience, just obviously written by a teenager, hahaha.

The point of that anecdote? We can still love the things we wrote, and still want to engulf ourselves in that world from time to time and not feel bad about it. And if you decide to come back to it a decade from now, that's okay too. You're only human.

And never EVER hesitate to come here for a friendly eyeball to vent to. I try my best to make y'all feel not so alone. Glad to see you are okay, Vee, truly. That's what's most important.

*SNUGGLE BUGGLE HUGGLE* I hope you have a beautiful, prosperous day. And I'm sure your fic-fans understand <3

[shlubbiehubbie]

uwu rawr this is my lore if you even care <3

so theres this guy. ive known him for over a year and we got along really well from the moment we met. long story short i fell in love with him. and it happened on accident. we were friends and i catch feelings for him but never get confirmation if he did or didnt feel the same.

heres the long story lol. we were really good friends like we both lived on campus so we hung out everyday between work and classes. we texted and called every goddamn day. we always met up when we had time. i remember feeling the desperation in a text he sent quickly followed by a call insisting he had time after a meeting to hang out and have dinner together. we even started a club together JUST TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT MORE AND IN NICER VENUES!!! we just wanted a club where we could play jackbox games and watch movies and shows together. im telling yall he was so ideal. ive never felt so safe with someone before. i even introduced him to the solar car club at our university so we could be on the media and marketing team together. god we were almost inseparable. and he acted different when it was just us vs us with other people. he was clearly very comfortable with me. he would even tease me! he loved getting a reaction out of me. and we would laugh until our sides were sore or we were dying on the floor. we were such good friends and at some point i caught feelings.

we did so much together in the span of almost 4 months. i was having trouble with school due to the death of my grandfather, loss of my job, and being placed in 3 classes i already took at my community college (i was a transfer student). i was expected to do more than i should and felt punished for not knowing all the right channels to go through to get shit done. i felt so tired of the bullshit i didnt think a degree would be worth it at that specific university. but i didnt want to leave my friend. i had a lot of friends but this one in particular was special. this was my newest best friend who i spend countless hours with. he knew i was making the choice to drop out after that semester. the signs were clear he was going to miss me. he hugged me like it was the last time he was gonna see me. he doesnt like hugging and i can remember that embrace like it happened yesterday. i did not want to leave him. i loved him. so what do i do? i give him a card saying thank you for the memories and go no contact on him for 8 fucking months. i got over the worst depression of my life because i missed him so fucking much AND i felt like a failure for wasting my time and money on a school that clearly didnt care for me. i was going to CAPS almost once a week even when i was a student.

anyway. i get over the depression. i pick myself back up. i make great friends through the smiling friends fandom. i meet someone who sounds and laughs like my friend. what are the fucking chances. i am encouraged by new friends to reach out to my uni friend. i take my time but i finally do it. i reconnect with other friends and they encourage me too to call the friend ive been missing the most. and…he doesnt pick up. i want to cry. i feel like a failure again. but i think “maybe he called back?” HE DID. AND I MISSED IT! ACK! so i call him back. he picks up. we say our hellos and how are yous. i apologize for the radio silence and say i thought he hated me. he says “no no no no no no i dont hate you dont even worry about it.” im in love again. and the gentleness of his tone? are you fucking kidding me? we talk for like an hour and then i finally let him go to finish packing before he moves back in. i see him the day he moves in and i meet his parents for the 2nd time. after that we start hanging out again but a little too often. we set up proper boundaries after i have a mental breakdown bc he is the only one of my friends from last year that actually missed me and wanted to see me again. he said he wanted to see me again.

the last time i saw him was september 8. i was escorted off campus on the 9th and the 11th due to depressive episodes during both incidents (undiagnosed and unmediated at the time). i was institutionalized from the 14th to the 19th. i still havent seen my friend. i am officially banned from campus and i miss my good friend everyday. i wrote poetry about him that i may never share. i love him. i always will. what sucks is so many things remind me of him. i feel sick when i get reminded of him because i cannot physically be near him and i just miss him that fucking much. i’m hopeless. but i do think i will see him again even if it is not soon. its killing me to wait to see him again. fuck my stupid baka life. god i miss that goober!

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas! reg kin anon here

so! i actually have another bit of positive stuff to talk about this time. do you remember i mentioned before about missing the stars because i couldnt see them anymore? well! i went to this social event after a rehearsal for a theatre group i joined and it was a treasure hunt in a cemetery and when you get to the top you can see some stars!!

its not as clear as back home, but me and this girl i met there were stood for a solid few minutes just pointing out stars and constellations to each other and it made me so happy ♡

also! back to the theatre thing: in rehearsals today i had a solo!! its a musical theatre group and im singing lead in one of our showcase songs!!! id been feeling really nervous about it for a while because everyone else is really good, but i actually feel like it went okay somehow, so yay

and, regarding my mother, ive decided ill go home at least once more before christmas. i dont have loads of spare time (nor funds for travel) but im going back in a couple of weeks, then i invited her to watch my theatre performance (and shes actually coming?? which she never has before) and then ill go back for christmas too. im staying for the full holiday period too, because ive got a couple of appointments that are easier to go to back home than here, but as much as i feel bad for thinking it, i do wish i could at least spend new years with my uni friends. ive never had the chance to enjoy it before, even just in the house, so i was sort of looking forward to spending it with friends and having fun for once. i know i might not get next new years with her though, but thats only really making me feel more guilty about not really wanting to spend it with her. ill probably end up in my bedroom for the most part anyway, so its not even like id be doing anything with my family for christmas/new years

anyway! this is supposed to be a happy ask, so happy it shall stay! also, since halloween mightve passed by the time you read this, i dressed as dorian gray, which was really fun. i had a cane and everything. most of all, it was very gender affirming (i imagine it will be; trying it on all together certainly felt great) (i dont remember if ive said before but im genderfluid, with more of a tendency towards masc-presenting) and i probably looked slay as fuck

yknow what, lets keep the good news rolling, because this feels like the sort of news you tell a parent but i dont have that sort of relationship with them, soooo. i had a class test today and it felt like it went really well, hopefully. i did end up finishing early but im feeling good about what i wrote and such. so, yay again

lots of positivity today, wow. ive been told i can be too pessimistic (realistic, in actuality though) so its odd but in a nice way to see myself focusing on good stuff for once :)

Hi!!

It makes me so happy to hear that you're doing so well! I remember how much you were struggling when you first started sending asks to me and I'm so happy to hear things are looking better for you! I'm so proud of you for your test and for everything else you've accomplished!

Please continue to update me, I'd love to hear how things go with your showcase and also I'm here if you need to vent about things at home <3

[nahalism]

i was wondering, how did you get to develop your art? im currently in a process where i am trying to experiment and go beyond the need to create art that is realistic (as in "objectively like reality as it is", like I was being told by both school and family). i feel like I struggle a lot to follow my inspiration because of this, and I am also trying to learn how to draw scenes from my own ordinary life, but unfortunately I am quite impatient and frustrated with my inability to create what I wish to create + perfectionism in general makes me scared of using colour as well 😭 I really admire your art so much, both your sketches and finished pieces, and I have always wondered your own learning process throughout the years. please feel free to not reply if you feel uncomfortable cause I know it is a very personal process as well, and above all I hope you are doing well and I am sending you endless love <333

🥺🥺 this is so lovely to receive because if im completely honest there are multiple moments where i feel exactly as you've just described and despite pushing through it, a message like this is very validating that ive progressed in some way

i dont mind sharing at all. i started drawing/painting when i was 21/22 which is relatively late and i was so fearful because despite having a vision for what i wanted to create i lacked any skill that could help me bring what was in my minds eye to fruition. i was also insanely depressed and in the middle of getting my degree at uni (so felt like i had no time to pursue art, at least not to the extent i wanted to). — my plan to get better consisted of multiple things. id draw everyday. i had/have two styles i'd practice, one realism, and the other 'freestyle'? basically draw only from my head and from the rhythms that came naturally to my hand, no references. by doing that, or drawing the human figure/portraits/cars/buildings from my imagination, not only was i reinforcing what id actually learned from my study of the fundamentals, but i was learning to incorporate my own creativity into the rigid structure that sometimes comes from only drawing from reference. by doing that and drawing studies every day i began to build a library in my head of images/poses/character archetypes i could pull from which made drawing from my imagination easier, but also had the structural knowledge of forms/perspective/anatomy to make them look credible. id do this whenever i had free time, and once i left uni began practicing anywhere from 6-9 hours daily. a bit extreme but i felt like i had time to make up for since i started drawing relatively late in life. only tip there is to balance practice with making finished pieces. finished pieces will show you which fundamentals you still need to work on & how much progress you've made. they also show the completion of a thought whereas practice only gives you the tools to bring that thought to reality

just so u know, ur practice of the fundaments is not in vain. you just need to revive your own capacity to draw from your imagination/subconscious. the main thing is knowing your going to find your work horrible for a long time before it gets better. the joy has to come from the process of creating rather than the end product. by the time it gets better, your eye will also have improved, so you still wont be satisfied. thats where growth comes in. being your biggest critic is what will make you great, as long as you remember where you came from (date and keep your work so you can look back on it) and the role criticism plays. separate your skill from your self worth.

something helpful i was once told is along the lines of 'perfectionism is a lie we tell ourselves to justify our procrastination. no one is ever perfect, so the only way to gain skill is to practice. you cant grow if you dont begin. so if your really a perfectionist, your only solution is to start'

i would love to see your work someday and hope i will. wishing you luck and sending you all the courage to begin and be great. you got this <3

[mousemannation]

thank u for the tag @clayvedevs :333

a little get to know me tag game!

1. Do you make your bed?

... no but in my defence i have a loft bed so its very difficult to do

2. Favourite number?

hmm 3, 4 and 7 r my favourite digits. im a big fan of i hashtag complex numbers. grahams number and tree(3) r fun, oh -1/12 is a classic, pi as well... gosh so sorry i am a mathspilled nerd so,,,

3. What's your job?

never had one hashtag disabled

4. If you could go back to school, would you?

i never finished high school and i have thought about trying (for the like fourth time) to get a hsc (high school certificate, there r ways to get an equivalent qualification for mature age students) but idk. im at TAFE for fashion/costume and i dont really need an hsc for that. i have thought about eventually going to uni for maths though, and i would definitely have to take an entrance exam for that since i dont have an hsc. i do qualify for loads of exceptions though so its not all losses (yay disability?)

5. Can you parallel park?

never tried (have driven a total of 8 hours)

6. Do you think aliens are real?

in some form, yeah

7. Can you drive a manual car?

see q5 (no)

8. Guilty pleasure?

hmm... i believe cringe is dead and i also do/interact with surprisingly little.. i guess maybe like blind boxes? i dont get them often but theyre so expensive so i do feel guilty every time i see a kirby one and cant resist.

9. Tattoos?

nay, although now that all my friends are getting them i have been thinking about it. its not like. really on the cards bc i cant make decisions for the life of me but if i could id be so basic and get an ouroboros. and probably a guinea pig.

10. Favourite colour?

sage green, marone

11. Favourite type of music?

i'll listen to most kinds of music but i definitely gravitate to like emo, post hardcore, rock- that sort of thing

12. Do you like puzzles?

like jigsaw puzzles or? i mean i like jigsaws and i also like other kinds of puzzles. always my go to genre of game. riddles and cryptic crosswords and escape rooms my beloved

13. Any phobias?

hmm well ive got social anxiety disorder but other than that i dont think so?

14. Favourite childhood sport?

i deliberately was on every sports team in primary school at least once (except cricket lol) bc i actually did enjoy sports, but the aforementioned anxiety disorder made actually pursuing that difficult. i also did dance, gymnastics, acrobatics and trampolining at some point during childhood. i do miss acro, that was the last extracurricular i did before i got mucho depressed and my life basically stopped circa 2016. the only sport ive ever followed as a fan is tennis!

15. Do you talk to yourself?

yes lol mostly in my head but also out loud sometimes. born to be a yapper fr

16. Tea or coffee?

im a tea truther (earl grey with soy milk !!!!) and also a bubble tea fiend, BUT i will fuck up a mocha (or an iced coffee with enough milk and sugar to cover the bitterness)

17. First thing you wanted to be when growing up?

i was a veritable horse girl from a VERY young age so probably something related to horses?? like a showjumper maybe.

18. What movies do you adore?

love a good (or laughably bad) horror movie. a cure for wellness, orphan, killing of a sacred deer r all movies gave 5 stars. also love a good children's animated movie! unironically a big fan of the secret life of pets movies, ferdinand, that sort of thing. g-force remains the best movie of all time.

i am tagging: @soronya @tennis-kittens @nick-cassidy @shapovalovvs :33

[canayams-art]

"i don't need anyone fighting my battles"

"no, but someone should have your back"

STOP STOP THIS IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!

i absolutely adore your take on the situation! i also feel like mq would have such a hard time believing lqq being genuine, especially if this would be during the time they would be fighting. and while mq doesn't see himself through the eyes of those who judge him, he still thinks even those who don't think the same. lqq meanwhile doesn't have much of information on mq and xl's relationship so perhaps he would get more curious about it seeing the way mq reacted to the situation.

however i look at it i don't think qianqing would have much issues with their relationship/friendship simply because they would end up talking about the issues at some point, because neither of them are weighted by shared or complicated history, the power imbalance doesn't really exist between them so it wouldn't play that much of a role in their issues, and both of them are stubborn enough to keep trying to make it better when things go south. maybe the topic of morality would be an issue, but seeing as both of them are generals and know war, i don't think the topic would come up all that often. and if it does, mq doesn't strike me as someone who would deliberately take jabs at lqq's ways of dealing with things and would let him do his thing voicing his thoughts (he did deal with both fx and xl's idealistic views after all) and lqq would at least demand mq's explanation before jumping his throat about his ways being "conniving".

ooooh lqq and mq meeting while lqq is in the pursuit of revenge and mq maybe potentially after he escapes the prison 👀 you're giving me so many ideas i can't even put them all in order lol

no no i enjoy an occasional qianxiu cameo! actually the reason why your account brought my attention was that ship since i myself never could get into qr x lqq one. im like super casually into them but i can get behind your vision

ah im still kinda getting used to new uni, so i dont think i will be able to write anything in a while, but our discussions have opened my eyes and brain and i don't think the ideas i have for them will be leaving soon. i will let you know how it goes when i finally get something concrete because i don't think i will rest peacefully until i make something for qianqing :"))

btw have you decided whether you're participating in the weekend lqq/sqx event? the prompts seem cute from what ive seen

Now I’m just thinking about the more mundane sides of their relationship. Like when all of the tension of their previous circumstances is gone and over with, they could really have one of the most sincere companionships in the heavens. I mostly think that way about any relationship where lqq is involved but it’s especially refreshing to imagine with mq who’s never really had that for himself in the way most of the other gods have. Mq deserves a confidant and lqq would be such a positive person for mq to learn to open up more with.

I definitely think they’d have a liveliness to their relationship— lqq seems like the type to lose interest and drag out his formal duties (paperwork, organizing, etc), which mq would absolutely get on his case about. Attendants wouldn’t even be able to formally announce mq’s arrival without lqq trying to find ways to avoid mq for the dread of being dragged back to his duties by the ear. Meanwhile mq would give lqq an earful about how childish he’s being (even if mq may or may not be going along with lqq’s game of avoidance) and eventually sit down with lqq to make sure he finishes what needs to be done.

On the other hand mq is always so distant at festivals and events— always solitary with his martial training and meditations. Lqq is a noisy disruption from the norm but he makes a good sparring partner. Somehow they both find each other’s martial styles familiar (it’s the xl conditioning but neither of them know that yet). Lqq is far from besting mq but I think he would be a good sport about it— mq leaves him in the dirt more times than either of them can count but lqq always grins and leaps back to his feet for another determined round.

There would be quiet, comfortable moments too but those seem somehow more rare and more special for them.

Anyway—! I would LOVE to see fy!mq run into lqq while they’re out trying to solve their individual problems in the mortal realm. Maybe lqq wouldn’t recognize mq at first— maybe mq wouldn’t want lqq to recognize him. But despite that possibility I still think it would be interesting to see mq try and convince lqq as fy to take a different path,,, even if he fails to dissuade lqq.

I just love having these talks though!!! And I get where you’re coming from. It feels out of place to be someone who likes lqq but doesn’t necessarily like qiurong. No hate or judgement here though— it’s just not for me! And since lqq’s presence in the plot is very limited it’s both a blessing and a curse cos it means so much about him is a mystery BUT!! it also means interpreting how he interacts with other characters is free real estate 😂 I love the creativity that comes from the circumstances!

And I’ve decided I want to participate in the lqq/sqx event but I haven’t decided what prompt(s) I wanna draw for yet. That’s something I’ll figure out soon huhuhu