#i dont know how many more it is what it is i have left
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if i may play the devil's advocate for a moment -- it doesn't really bother me that most of the fan posting around disco elysium on this site is more focused on the emotional aspects of the game than the political ones. i mean, firstly, it's well-acknowledged that fanworks tend to fill the gaps of unexplored potential in the original work -- ie, envisioning darkness in lighthearted works, re-imagining dark works as lighthearted. a lot of the emotional or relational aspects of disco elysium are left ambiguous, abstract, or at the very least dependent upon player choice and interpretation. this renders them fertile ground for speculative art. by contrast, the game's political statements are, if you have the context to analyze them well, complete. there simply isn't much more to say.
beyond that, those political aspects are also leagues ahead of many other pieces of media in terms of their complexity, nuance, and real-world analysis. that's part of what makes the game so great, and i do think may fans understand that. but, to be honest, being capable of engaging with those aspects of the game (just glance at reddit, and you'll see that many fans don't even reach that level) does not mean that fans are capable of generating that level of work themselves. like, it's simply more mental work to come up with a piece of creative art/writing that expands upon the superb worldbuilding and commentary of DE than it is to write about harry and kim getting goopy nasty. people know how to do the latter because it is a commonly exercised muscle of fandom. the former is almost academic.
that doesn't mean people *shouldn't* engage with the political aspects of the game generatively/creatively. but also... like... maybe it's better this way. seriously, look at reddit, guys. the DE subreddit is full of people *attempting* to engage with the game politically, and the analysis they're putting out is hot steaming dookie. i lose brain cells every time im forced to read another take that earnestly assumes the game positions moralism as the Right and Good Choice for Revachol. on tumblr, analysis is generative, practiced through art/fanfiction... and if i had to see the type of shit i see on reddit on tumblr in the form of fanart, id kill us all.
so anyway, i dont think the fanwork hyperfocus on relationships/emotion indicates that people aren't properly understanding the political points of the game, but simply that those points are much harder for fans to process in a generative way. their underrepresentation in fanwork doesnt particularly indicate anything about the way people are actually receiving and understanding the themes of the game.
except for the people inexplicably clogging the tag with jean viquemare. they do not understand the game and will not see the light of heaven
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Not the person you are addressing but I feel like theres more to be said I don’t see in the replies to the post and that I think adds context to fan fiction and fandom in general especially after reading other women talk about the generalisation stuff in the OP
- a lot of women start reading fic as teenagers and a lot of current fic readers and writers are per se autistic and obsessed with whatever media they’re writing about ergo why they make stories about it obsessively. This is not a new phenomenon, women wrote Sherlock and Watson fan fiction back then with the books and the first mainstream fandom as we understand it today was Star Trek: the original series in the 70s. At that point it was in fact a sort of revolutionary separatist space as a lot of the people writing, and publishing, fanzines were female. Fanfic continues to be female skewed in fact. Males were also Star Trek fans it’s the derivative writing space that was and continues to be overwhelmingly female.
You probably dont care but if you want data points I started at age 13.
- I personally haven’t disengaged entirely but I know a lot of people do (and I took distance) because of the current heavy control exerted community wise due to the increasing politicisation of fandom after the 2000s onward. This is nothing new, again, a lot of the fujos who shipped Kirk and Spock in the 70s legit used that as leverage to support gay rights, it’s just that by virtue of members being younger and more immature and the insanity that was cultivated since livejournal, into here, and onward to twitter and TikTok fandom has become like a pug inbred version of itself.
- because the girls writing this are straight. It’s the same mindset of fujoshi writing doujinshi in Japan. Two attractive men kissing and thinking about romance without all the implications of being a woman and your lesser place in society because of it. And of course a lot of the media they obsess with glorifying and exhalting men while making mediocre or irrelevant female characters. Female essayists were actually writing about this in the Star Trek days too.
-No, not really. As I said a lot of women into this are already autistic or otherwise “weird” personality wise and that usually carries its own batch of associated mental illness, some thru nature some thru nurture (bullying, exclusion causing depression and anxiety) there’s actually an analysis of how this impacts geeks in general, socially, called the Geek Social Fallacies and you will see them repeat in ambiances like liberal feminism and activist teenagers on tiktok: https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/ which boils down to, I was excluded and left behind, ergo I vow when I meet other nerds I will never leave anyone behind because everyone who leaves me behind are evil bullies who hate me just because I like media.
This is also why I believe so many fandom spaces are social justice oriented. They too see minorities being excluded that they have to defend no matter the cost which is why analysis is so black and white, un-nuanced, and generally ignorant of whatever minority is being defended. Which I've personally experienced being latin american in the anglo fandom internet. In the end, I think I agree with a lot of other people that women are criticised a lot more for these fandom things than men are for things that are far more harmful, especially considering the history of these places as women-led hobbies that permitted a space separate from men. However I also agree it is a hobby and a lot of it is self-indulgent slop, and you should go in with that mindset. The cult mentality of hyper political fandom is also incredibly diseased and wreaks havoc on your already fragile mental state. Like any subculture it can be a wonderful thing for you to connect with people or controlling torture depending on how you engage with it. But as an autist I can't deny the catharsis of being able to do what is essentially glorified playing with fictional dolls without scorn, as that is something that you are judged for, very often unfairly- like most women's hobbies, to be honest.
I don't hate fan fiction because it's not original material or whatever. I hate fan fiction because it seems like everyone who is into it has serious mental health issues.
And I realize that it's a chicken/egg situation so there's no way to tell if being immersed in it tanks your wellbeing or if you get into it at your lowest point. What I do see is that it doesn't make you any better and definitely makes things way worse.
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I dont think its talked enough of since many times homura reset the timeline she bonded with madoka countless, infinite times in many different ways as homura slowly became more deranged and maybe they even grew very VERY close in some timeloops before she had to reset to save madoka again and thats what makes madohomu so canon to me
Aside from whats shown on screen that yeah theyre so yuri we have so many scenarios left to explore their dynamic
Imagine... an homura torn and blend between her past and season 1 self this close to lose it but still not as unhealthy as she becomes later, in her first stages of her obsession, and saw so many sides of madoka. She learns so many things about her in the previous timeline she didnt yet. Some madokas were even attracted and intrigued by this mysterious but sweet homura as she in her innocent eyes "seemed like an angel sent to protect her" (oh boy) and she would refer her as such in small things like "vanilla and strawberry seems like your favorite flavor, isnt it, madoka? It suits you." "wow homura you guessed it right! Maybe its just my hair ahah." Or "miki really is hopeless towards that boy" "mh? Yea she likes him a lot, i know! Wait, but how do you know?" "...You told me the other day. Its obvious to see." "Huh, i must have forgot about it..."
#i havent watched pmmm in YEARS and will do a rewatch soon before walpurgis no kaiten so forgive me if its ooc#pmmm#puella magi madoka magica#madoka magica#madoka kaname#mahou shoujo madoka magica#madohomu#homumado#homura akemi#akemi homura#kaname madoka
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how do you feel about mr pearson being a rat theory? i watched a youtube video about it and while i genuinely dont think rockstar made pearson a rat or even intended he be relevant in conversations about the rat, i still found it super interesting and almost convincing if i didnt already know it was micah!
I read up on it and there are some interesting points, but most of it is very circumstancial.
The main points are:
The name Aunt Cathy that he wrote a letter to being similar to Catherine Brathewaite.
Jack going missing so easily
Pearson leaving the camp and not staying.
Pearson being able to afford a shop in the epilouge.
Pearson asking for John's location and in the cut scenes of the credits you see the agents by Rhodes and then by Beecher's Hope.
I think the Aunt Cathy/Catherine is so circumstancial that it is stupid, it raises more questions that cannot be answered than it solves. Liek how did he know her before? Did he know Jack was going to get kidnapped? What is the letter code for? What does it say?
Jack going missing so easily. The video I saw by Waxy said it was so weird Jack could go missing from a small group of outlaws and suggested that Pearson might have somehow done something? But then again we literally have Kieran's testemory of what happened because he saw it.
Kieran does not leave camp, he hangs around the edge but he still sticks close so he can be seen, the fact he saw what happened means that the perpetrators was fairly close to camp and could draw Jack's attention to them while everyone else were focused on Bill and Micah coming running into camp with Sean's dead body.
Kieran also identifies the Braithewaite boys, although I don't know how he knows what they look like, he must have had some reason for thinking it was them and he was right. He thought they were just there for business so they must have acted fairly casually.
Now when it comes to Pearson leaving, the man is literally sobbing and crying in fear, he isn't a fighter, he is a cook, and he ain't the only one that left. Using him leaving as evidence is kind of silly seeing as so many others leaves as well.
As for the shop, it has been eight years and he has been through two wives, in the same timespan Tilly got married and pregnant, Mary-Beth became a bestselling author, Charles was between Canada and USA at least once, Sadie became a fairly known bounty hunter so on and so forth. Eight years is a long time, a lot can happen.
Now to the last bit, Pearson had a picture of the gang with John on it hanging on his wall and he did know John's exact location and could have told because he was scared of being hurt, but there are also a trillion other ways the Pinkerton's could have found John. They could have tracked him from his bank account, they could have tracked him from Strawberry where he made a mess, a random civillian could have ID'ed him or Pearson "ratted" of course, they are all equally possible but I think even if Pearson did tell the Pinkerton John's location, I wouldn't call him a rat.
The Pinkerton's would have found John either way, and the timing of them finding him does not really matter, they gonna wait until 1911 either way, it would have been the exact same result.
#rdr2#rdr2 community#red dead redemption 2#arthur morgan#rdr2 arthur#red dead redemption two#rdr john#red dead fandom#john marston#red dead redemption community#rdr2 pearson#simon pearson#answered asks#asks#ask#nthspecialll asks#nthspecialll
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I don't know how much longer i can hold out going to only the trade school and not a normal school since not being anywhere in the morning makes my anxiety worse but my school distrcit doesnt care about the special ed students especially those who are "problems" like me so they're going super slow and havent even sent out the paperwork for me to be enrolled in the other school so now im very close to losing the only chance I have to do something with my life and actually have a career
#crow.txt#more venting in the rest of the tags after the general tags#vent#vent tw#anxiety#anxiety vent#school vent#do not rb#actually adhd#adhd vent#neurodivergent#possibly autistic#adhd#'transferring to this school will help your mental health' is what my counselor told me.#but it's only making my mental state worse and worse#i dont know how many more it is what it is i have left#im very close to dropping out but then what will i do with my life if i dont have any kind of trade training or job experience#since youtube and twitch are very luck based#and i cant deal with other people for a retail job#i was told things would get better by my 16th birthday but im 17 now and everything is worse#god fucking help me#whatever god is out there
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so there's a reason my new job got back to me so quickly about my application and that's bc it's an absolute fucking shambles like actually perfect timing for me to decide to rewatch the bear bc i have never more felt like ive been thrown into a broke on-its-knees establishment trying to crawl its way up the ladder where i am somehow a godsend to them. my old job was crazy and shambolic in the sense that the industry is just Like That but this one?????? insanity. every 5 mins i am questioning what im doing with my life. ive already had a walk-in fridge moment
#so i explained before that there's 3 venues and on my very first shift they had me doing the restaurant venue for 2 hours#which was FINE like i was a bit cautious bc my manager is VERY stressed all the time and the place generally feels like it's falling apart#not the building itself just. the way it's run like it's just got new owners and the previous manager apparently#EMPTIED THE TILLS AND TRASHED THE PLACE like cost them THOUSANDS of pounds and on top of that#there was beef with the head chef and the new owners that meant he left and took the ENTIRE BACK OF HOUSE WITH HIM#THERE ARE NO KITCHEN STAFF ATM. I HAVE TO LIE AND TELL CUSTOMERS WE DONT HAVE FOOD ATM BC OF 'REFURBISHMENT'#WHEN IN ACTUALITY THE /RESTAURANT/ DOESNT HAVE CHEFS. DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS#and then the front of house staff are very lacking aside maybe 2 people we're ALL NEW and all of them EXCEPT ME#LIKE LITERALLY JUST ME IM THE ONLY EXCEPTION. ALL OF THEM ARE UNTRAINED#so when i applied with bar training coffee training and very solid waitressing skills they genuinely treated me like a saviour#like i am FENDING off shifts tbh im in a v good position bc they need me too much to get shitty w me if i refuse hours but i can literally#have as many as i want bc they will just give me them. like they're obsessed w me im rota'd for over 60 hours this week#but anyway that very first shift after 2 hours in the restaurant i then walked to the mini golf venue on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWN#and my manager stayed for 30 MINUTES. IF THAT. and showed me around the place + how to close THEN LEFT ME THERE#FIRST DAY HE GAVE ME THE KEYS AND LEFT ME TO RUN AN ENTIRE VENUE. IT'S NOT SMALL EITHER IT'S A WHOLE BAR#AND I HAD TO CLOSE ON MY OWN TOO and ironically the shift itself went rlly well like it was so chill#it was kinda boring but honestly i kinda rated it it's v easy money and the close went perfectly nothing cropped up that i was unsure about#and then. AND THEN. i havent even ranted to my mutuals about this yet bc i was acc so horrified by it but i locked the front doors#and went to lock the gate AND THE KEY GOT STUCK IN THE LOCK. WOULD NOT COME OUT. HELLA VS KEYS ROUND 3927593#my mum even showed up and tried to help me wrestle this thing out i called my manager and he literally told me to just snap it#bc he'd rather a snapped key that NO ONE could get out than just leave it there overnight but bc of my recent house key moment#i was like AM I FUCK SNAPPING THIS KEY. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING. so i had to just leave it and at the time#i was realllyyyyyyyyyy beating myself up but my manager is actually rlly nice he's just stretched v thin#and ive also had time to be like uhh actually they shouldnt have left a random 21 y/o girl alone with the keys on her first day#omg i havent even talked about what happened on saturday. ACTUAL SHAMBLES#LIKE THIS /\/\ ISNT EVEN CLOSE TO EVERYTHING! IM RUNNING OUT OF TAG ROOM! IM GONNA REBLOG THIS TONIGHT W MORE PROBABLY!#BC GUESS WHO IS WORKING A CLOSE LATER AT THE NIGHTCLUB THEN OPENING THE RESTAURANT AT 8AM. GUESS#hella slaves to capitalism
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college … wasted on the youth (me)
#didnt help that 2/4 yrs was covid telezoom but man.. MANNN#forgetting how impossible it is to pursue rhe degree plan u actually want (advising hell) i feel like . theres just#so many diff things i want to learn now Knowing that im more solidified in my interests and who i am and what i would be interested in doing#and like.😭RGAAAAAQH TEARING MYHAIR OUTTT every other week i have a night where im sititng there like damn i couldve been sm1 completely dif#dgmw i still rly enjoy some of the upper div classes i Did take but what if i took x and liked it more or minored in y and it led me to z#bc i do feel rly set in where i am rn which . i DO ! like it but im never gna be in that environment where u have the flexibility to explore#ykwim . i wish i had taken physics and calc srsly . i always thought i hated that shit but i like it. i like it quite a lot actually😟#or more geology .. urrghh.. sprinkle in sme extra art history . no bc thats what actu pissed me off ab school#i rmbr wanting to dual major and they straight up told me no i cant . but then i was like maybe an arts major bio minor when i wanted to do#science illustration but sry we dont offer bio minor . ok bio major arh or studio art minor . no sry not enough open spots we rly only#reserve it for when we have extra openings post admission❤️#and then even late into sophomore year u would still be last in registration so all the cool classes would be closed#and then bc of covid half that shit was cancelled bc they couldnt transfer labs online (rip comparative vertebrate anatomy)#and then by senior yr an additional collection of classes were unavailable bc u dont have the prereqs bc the prereqs were cancelled during#covid and u dont have enough semesters left to actually take it . like it was gen such an awful experience so ik why i couldnt ever do what#i wanted but .😭 AND LIKE the classes i DID enjoy like genomics or molecular genetics were closed by registration and i had to email and beg#for access . thts crazy .literally crazy .#anyways . i think i want 2 start reading textbooks bc i think thats the closest ill get LMAOO#i remember seeing my coworker read a textbook for fun one time and idk why i just didnt understand why bc it seemed so dry but i Get it now#like yeah .. u knew what was up ..#sad too that like . i could theoretically audit a course but i Work..during the day .. so sad . so sad#guys wht if i just said yes to grad school (<the devil talking.dont agree)
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I have a gift for y'all today !!! 😊 Ever wanted to find a line in Re:Kinder in a single place for the sake of reference?? How about multiple chunks of lines. how about all the little variations that arise in the text with it's many endings, item descriptions, text that comes from interacting with the enviroment, and character info from the menu without having to boot up the game and go through it at long minutes!!???
well i sure did😊 Since I do a lot of fanart and think up my own silly theories and thoughts that need me to reference the game lines a lot, i have made a transcript for it for convenience's sake. A weirdly thorough transcript handwritten and proofread by me including all character lines available in-game. And I'm sharing it with you all today for anyone that wants it !!! :3 To use as a reference for creative fanworks or a quick search for a line in-game, whatever you wish to use it for!!
It uses the english translation of the game by vgperson. So naturally all credit for the game lines available in here is to her and Parun who made the game.
I did my best to organize it in a way easy to digest. Do note that I'm still human, and there's still the chance for mistake in it no matter how much I've proofread it, since I'm not even an english native speaker ^^. But I hope it serves you well nonetheless if you wish to use it.
That's my gift for today!!! Not the usual art, but still a project I'm proud of. Enjoy!!! 😊
#re:kinder#rekinder#not art#now goofy commentary for those who read my tags#i may have spent at the very minimum around 35 hours on it 😁 because thats what my pomodoro timer got to count in sum#but then again i spent more time without timing it as well so. we'll never know how many hours in total I've put into this#no regrets it was fun because shocking fact of all i enjoy this game🫣 (/s)#you could say but michael there are long playthroughs available on YouTube#couldnt you reference that instead of making a transcript#to that i say... they don't play the game like i do im picky as hell they dont show me every nook and cranny possible#and also i dont like scrubbing through those i thought just pressing ctrlF on a script would be easier. AND IT IS JAJSJSJSJSJS#but thats personal preference all in all#and im used to using transcripts for fanworks coming from earthbound. like there's one for the main game dialogue online and i love it a lot#for this game to not have any felt like some sort of crime considering how cool the story and the lines it has are#its also plenty useful for a game you're writing the spanish wiki for#yes i am doing that apparently my hobby became community work since i got into this game#gotta put that free time before turning 18 and getting a job onto something why not make resources just because i can#anyway fun fact while proofreading i noticed that everytime yuuichi was on scene there was a typo because i got too excited or emotional#either i was laughing because of how evil he is or i was getting unreasonably angry at the treatment he recieved in the past#in section 9 which is true end confrontation i was doing mistakes left and right until the fabled princess line scene#there i was bawling like a baby but THE ERRORS STOPPED ABRUPTLY LIKE I WAS FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE ALL UNTIL THE SCENE ENDED#THEN THERE WERE A BUTLOAD OF MISTAKES ITS INCREDIBLY FUNNY😭 i was fighting for my life holding in all those typos because i couldnt see#so this transcript was made with a lot of emotion laugh and tears and now you know#now i can get bagk to drawing this is the thing i mentioned i was doing fot a while#content feeding schedule crazy rn
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...
#the other day i was talking to my dad and he said im at a crossroads in my life except its an intersection of many different roads#and i have no idea which one to take. but because the semester is starting tomorrow it feela more like im standing at the edge of a cliff#waiting for the ground to crumble out from under me. not sure what im gonna tell my PI when i see him monday bc i feel like ive got one foot#out the door. its just hard when you dont know what to do or which direction to go or what opportunities you'll even get#and if i say goodbye to this program im probably saying goodbye to astr0biology. and if i dont go back to my old boss im probably saying#goodbye to microbial ecology. and if i say goodbye to those things i might be saying goodbye to a job where im passionate abt what i do#in exchange for being less insane and being paid an actual salary lol#its just frustrating and it makes me even more twisted up inside bc im teaching this semester and im like#how do i put passion into this when i#when all i feel is frustration and uncertainty. i dont even want to go into my office. when i left i couldnt sit in there without crying#but we'll see. too late to back out now. unless i have a breakdown halfway through#unrelated
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having struggles with hobbies and enjoyment and creativity again
#thinking about buying more supplies to make more clay things with and like#idk. id never get good anyway but if i got good what would i do? theres only so many smunkers or als or talons i could sculpt#ykwim?#i wish i liked things and i wish i could make things#i liked making something out of clay but i have no ideas#i love printmaking: screenprinting and block printing. i have block printing supplies. i have 0 ideas.#if i woke up tomorrow an art master id still have no ideas on what to draw#its why i havent improved at bgs or composition. bc i dont draw it because i dont know What to draw#wrt symbols and icons and colors and such#ykwim...#my whole life is just. i like thing so much. i wish i could do it too but im stuck outside looking in thru a window. i wish#i could participate. its not enough to like it i want to do it too. but i cant...!#if i were any good at art id make a piece out of this. out of all my other feelings. but i dont know how to make work that Means anything#its just. technical show of skill. no feeling. no meaning. nothing. i cant make anything#i always talk about how I fear finding a partner bc what would I have left to draw?#i am not an artist. not really.#and if I am i got the worst luck and the worst brain for it. defective.#talkys
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Bunch of mspaint doodles cause I think I've hit some art block :')
Ghost fans I have returned everyone rejoice (there's a big change I abandon you guys again for another few weeks 😁😁 I'm never fully gone though, just lurking)
In order of doodles + characters on canvas: sodo, my ghoulsona Zero, swiss, phantom, rain, mountain, aether, helsknight and my sona, and then owl guy and ryder (my ocs)
(leaving the cut off at the end of the tags it's funny to me)
#art#artists on tumblr#jaloparker art#helsknight#helsknight fanart#oc art#sodo ghoul#sodo fanart#sodomizer ghoul#swiss ghoul#swiss fanart#phantom fanart#phantom ghoul#aether ghoul#aether fanart#rain ghoul#rain ghost#mountain ghoul#mountain ghost#nameless ghoul fanart#nameless ghouls#ill draw the ghoulettes at some point too i just dont know what i want my designs for them to be yet :')#owl guy is my oc btw#completely unrelated to helsknight or ghost#hes just there#and then of course we have my sona and ghoulsona#ghoulsona#ghoul oc#the band ghost fanart#how many more tags do i have left
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something i love discussing with others is the different ways people experience kin bc its so interesting the vastness of how everyones personal experiences with it can be. i really dont get people that will be like "kin is only ever LIKE THIS! everyone else is fake!" or trying to act like people with kin past lives (or anyone that "takes kinning too seriously") are crazy. like just!!! how do yall not enjoy the vast and unique experiences of other people!! how do they not fascinate you!!! its INSANE to me
#that being said i dont interact in kin spaces very heavily after i left this one large kin discord server#while i dont miss that (drained too much energy + too many chances for drama)#(or general issues just from kin being so personal and thus discomfort when peoples canons have things that clash with others canons)#but i do kinda miss seeing more about how other people experience kin stuff#and discussing what its like for me more often#also i see sometimes people criticizing the terminology people sometimes use about kinning?#even like the term ''kinning'' bc ppl will say ''its not an action you do!''#and they treat it like people that use terms like that are the kind that kin “wrong'' and act like kin is just ''i relate to this character#but like. kin IS very important and significant for me!#i may not know the exact details of HOW i kin- like theyre not past lives for me but i still AM the characters#i have kin memories sometimes but they dont feel like past lives#n kin itself is very important to me- but trying to figure out what exactly it is if its not past lives isnt important#like idk the functionality of it i just feel it. and acknowledge the feelings. you know#and i just learned kin stuff through people who are more casual with the concept and the terminology used#n just. idk. im tired rambling.#i love how differently everyone can kin regardless of how big or small it is for them or the ways they experience it#i think we should appreciate other ppls different experiences more
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i have to think about chilchuck and laios forever
#random thoughts#dungeon meshi#the fact laios is holding back so much anger and he's the one who chilchuck lets out so much of his anger on#like you've seen how many times he beats on him and degrades him and laios just takes it#they're both holding so many secrets from their party like???#chilchuck's entire personal life. laios's interest in monsters and kensuke.#the fact laios somehow hid his interest in eating monsters from the entire party before this???#laios is estranged from his parents and very close with his sister. chilchuck is estranged from his wife and very close with his daughters#chilchuck thinks laios knows him better than anyone else in the party. chilchuck canonically thinks laios is dangerous and unreasonable#which like? reductive but accurate.#laios holds the lives of those he cherishes above all else. the world could go to hell for all he cares as long as those he loves are safe#chilchuck fears intimacy and could never admit how much he values the people around him unless under severe threat#god. i have to read dungeon meshi again. i need to analyze them#one self-sacrificing dumbass and one self-preserving selfish dumbass#laios has problems putting his needs first when it comes to those he loves. i can easily see that conflicting with chilchucks selfishness#i do think after chilchucks failed marriage he would become more hypervigilant in his relationships once he allows himself to date again#like he doesn't necessarily understand what he did wrong but he knows he did something#god the irony of someone so perceptive failing to recognize his wife's needs#imagining chilchuck recognizing laios is not satisfied by something and he asks him abt it and laios is like 'no im fine dont worry abt me'#like fully sincere. laios is used to denying himself what he needs for others#ran away from home when falin was being mistreated. sacrifices his body in the end when he becomes The Big Guy#suppresses himself to try and make others like him more or at least dislike him less#do you think he'd suppress himself at first when in a relationship with chilchuck out of fear of driving him away#chilchuck's perception vs laios's poor masking fight fight fight#god they both fear each other leaving. laios because he fears being like his father and driving chilchuck away like his dad drove him away#and chilchuck because his wife left him and he didn't fully understand Why.#the fact chilchuck thinks laios should act like more of a leader. do you think he fears becoming a poor leader like his dad?#chilchuck trusts and values laios as a leader and that scaring the shit out of both of them 👌👌👌#this is why they're switches okay
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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New Employee aquired today
My manager: Hey Grace maybe you can show NE some things, but don't overwhelm her
Me:
Me: so like. make sure it's not a repeat of my first day???
#like maam ive worked here for barely a month you know this#and my first ever shift was 8 hours and CLOSING#i did a lil bit of everything my first day why do you think im so adaptable to what you need now???#anyways i had NE help shred chicken cause we needed more and then i couldnt even use it bc we were out of the salad kit 🙃#today twas a long day#i was supposed to do subs but literally worked on salads all day cause we were so short staffed#a coworker who YESTERDAY asked for a shift today never showed up. our manager had to open and was barely through salads when i got there#(3 hours after open)#me and manager tackled customer service and did as many tasks as we could (specifically distress and make salads)#(i learned how to do temps)#morning cook stayed late WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK to bring back some stuff we needed#closing cook got sick and left when me and NE did leaving i assume 2 store managers (maybe just 1) and one coworker to close#we so short staffed they had a job fair JUST FOR OUR DEPARTMENT.#anywho#ive also been up technically since 1-2am. i got extra 1 hour between then and 5:30am before i had to get up. i went to bed at 9pm#so. ive been tired all day but since i dont have work tomorrow im gonna stay up late and chill#amber's shit you can ignore
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every year I think hang on maybe I have a handle on this whole school thing! and then every year I get assigned one (1) writing assignment and crumble under the weight of crippling executive dysfunction so bad I spiral into borderline suicidal despair
#MY MAJOR IS ENGLISH#WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME#IT CANT BE ADHD I DONT HAVE ANY OTHER SYMPTOMS#BUT THIS IS GENUINELY CRUSHING AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO MOVE PAST IT#IDK HOW MANY MORE LEARNING EXPERIENCES I HAVE LEFT IN ME
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