#i dont have the time to proofread this

[thesunisatangerine]

against all odds (to wait for you is all i can do) – part nine

alexia putellas x photojournalist!reader

warnings: mentions of grief, suggestive material, hurt/comfort

(a/n in the tags) [parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve]

word count: 6.6k

words in italics: whatever language you like

Before this misunderstanding could get any bigger, you stepped in quickly. 

“Alexia, this is Elisa, my daughter and that’s my brother’s husband, Robert. Elisa, Robert, this is Alexia.”

At that, Alexia’s gaze softened but when she met your eyes, questions swam in those hazel pools, ones that you sensed concerned your daughter. You gave Alexia a tight-lipped smile in answer–this was neither the time nor place to talk about something like that. 

“Oh, I see. It’s nice to meet you both,” Alexia spoke in English.

She walked closer to the stands to where Robert stood and reached out a hand for him to shake. Robert–who finally got some of his color back after Alexia stopped leering at him–regarded Alexia’s hand with an uneasy look like it was something dangerous before he eventually shook it. Then Alexia turned to Elisa and offered her a closed fist while your daughter only gawked at Alexia, obviously starstruck. “And it’s nice to meet you, too, Elisa.”

Elisa remained still and unusually quiet so you coaxed softly, “ladybug?”

That seemed to snap Elisa out from her starstruck stupor and as she came back to herself, her eyes darted to you. You smiled at her, encouraging, then you tilted your head at Alexia’s direction. Slowly, Elisa bumped her fist against Alexia’s, cheeks reddening immediately as she scurried off behind Robert right after, peeking through the gap between her uncle’s hip and arm to look at Alexia shyly. 

“Do you want me to sign your shirt?”

Elisa nodded. Robert passed the shirt to Alexia, who signed it, before she passed it back to Robert.

“Thank you,” came Elisa’s bashful gratitude.

When your eyes flitted back to Alexia’s face, you found her brows tilted upwards which allowed the stadium lights to brighten her already fair eyes. She looked on at Elisa’s timid display with warmth and the sight of such softness in her demeanour tugged at your heartstring. 

Without tearing her attention away from Elisa, Alexia said through a small smile, “she’s adorable, no?”

“She’s a little shy but she’s actually a big fan of yours. You should see her practicing your moves–”

“Mom…” Elisa whined, stopping you from embarrassing her further. You sent her an apologetic smile before you mouthed an ‘I’m sorry’ to her.

“Oh, you play football? How old are you?” Alexia asked softly. 

After  a moment of silence, you took the helm when you noticed Elisa wasn’t going to answer. Her reaction to Alexia was completely understandable. Alexia, despite being one of the warmest people you knew, could easily intimidate some with her presence due to her reserved and stoic nature. Her gaze–especially for the ones who were new to meet her–could be so intense and disarming that it was hard not to look away or, in this case, shy away from her.

“She turned twelve last February. And yes, she’s actually enrolled in a Barça Academy located near our city.”

Alexia’s brows rose with interest. She regarded Elisa again as she spoke, switching to Spanish this time, with clear approval in her tone. “So she has Blaugrana in her blood. What position does she play?”

“Barça is by far her favorite club and it doesn’t help that you play in it. And she plays forward.” You answered in the same tongue. 

Alexia hummed, the corner of her lips quirking up. You knew that look so when she turned back to you, you raised a brow at her.

“What? Disappointed she doesn’t play midfield like you?” 

She flashed you a sheepish half-smile and rubbed her cheek with a finger, a gesture that you still found so endearing, before she threw her hands up in false surrender. “I’m just saying! And you can’t really blame me for having a bias.” 

“No, of course not. How could I hold that against you?” You said in an excessively dry tone. What you didn’t expect was for Alexia to throw her head back as laughter bubbled out from her throat in a familiar melody that tickled your ear, and you couldn’t help the grin that made its way to your lips at her amusement. She looked so beautiful like this: her hair–now back to its light brown shade–untamed with the way baby strands clung to the slight dampness on her temple, and the rosy blush painted upon her cheeks and nose from the events that just occurred; she looked so carefree in this moment, in the aftermath of their victory, that the glow of her youth shone right through, unfiltered.

When your eyes flitted over to Elisa and Robert, you found them gaping at your interaction with wide eyes, looking very much unsure on what to make of it. Then you also realised Alexia’d stopped laughing and she was now looking at you with a small smile on her lips. Your cheeks warmed at the attention, at having been caught staring, so you casted your eyes down to your feet, clearing your throat as you kicked an invisible pebble.

It surprised you, the ease with which you were able to fall back in playful banter with Alexia as if the fifteen months that made strangers from the both you never existed. Alexia must’d thought the same thing because when you looked at her again, Alexia’s smile had dimmed somewhat but the warmth in her eyes never left.

“Congratulations on the win, by the way. You earned it. All of you did.” You said, indicating at the golden medal around her neck. The urge to hug her as you spoke pervaded you but you managed to brush it off. 

Alexia looked down at it, her lips quirking up into a small proud smile.

“Thank you.” A pause as she regarded you. And then, “want to hold it?”

The suggestion took you aback and you were quick to dismiss her. “Oh, no, I’m good–”

Alexia, being Alexia, stepped into you space anyway, took your right hand and placed the medal on your palm. You tried not to focus too much on how her touch electrified you by focusing on how the surface of the metal cooled your skin, its weight surprisingly heavier than it looked, and you traced its intricate engravings with the pads of your fingers, admiring the details. 

“Can we talk?” Alexia said in a low voice that only the both of you would be able to hear. She was standing less than an arm’s length away from you–when did she get so close?–and the softness you found in her hazel eyes when you gazed up at her made you want to reach out and brush your thumb over the skin beneath them. 

At your silence Alexia touched your right wrist and you felt her thumb grazed ove the bracelet she gave you. Her gaze was magnetic and you were powerless against her pull.

You began, “I–”

“Alexia! Come on, we have to go!” Both of your heads turned to the voice. It was Misa who was waving Alexia over to where their other teammates were gathering. Alexia gave Misa a gesture to wait and she looked back at you again but with desperation now in her eyes. 

“Go. I’ll be in Barcelona for a week starting next Thursday. We can talk sometime then?” 

Alexia nodded, gave you a small smile before she turned to walk away. She startled you when she faced you again and before you knew it, her arms were wrapped around your shoulders.

“Same place?” She whispered in your ear.

You snaked your arms around her waist. 

“You know where to find me.”

So it was then on this late, warm Friday evening in Barcelona the week after the Olympics final, you found yourself opening the door to Alexia. 

You had agreed to meet the next day for lunch so it was more than a surprise to you to find her under the warm glow of the porch light right then. And before a word could even leave your mouth to voice your confusion, Alexia strode into your space, crowding you until your back hit the cool surface of the wall next to the door as it swung close.

Alexia was in front of you now, the distance between you so sparse that you could feel the heat that emanated from her body. You stared up at her, breathless when you were finally able to speak, “Alexia–”

“Are you seeing someone right now?” Her tone was even though the crease in her brows and the fervid depth in her eyes made you shiver.

“Wait, what are–”

“Just answer me!”

“No! Why–”

Before you knew it, her hand cradled your jaw as she brought her lips to yours, and the only thing you could do was gasp from the sudden heat of it all. It was filled with such ardour, Alexia’s kiss, that each movement of her lips threatened to both destroy and mend you again, each pull as devastating and as sweet as the last. But the sweetness didn’t last long; not after you felt the warmth against your cheeks and tasted salt on your tongue.

Alexia was crying.

She was aching, you knew it–could feel it in the slight quiver of her lips, in the frantic way with which her fingers tangled in your hair. And from her pain came yours, unfurling from your heart, into your throat, longing–reaching–to comfort and be soothed by her, your almost lover. Though it hurt, it made your teeth ache with the bittersweetness of it all because here she was breathing the same air as you, sharing the same heat as her lips melted with yours, and, god, how it felt like coming home–like the first breath once you breached the surface after being submerged for so long.

Was this what it felt like to be exhumed? Was this what life tasted like?

The kiss was slow and deep, the way only two almost lovers knew how to; the both of you took your time mapping each other’s lips, learning how to move in the same rhythm again. It was familiar but the tenderness–that gentle ardour–was above all else amplified, warming your flesh and blood to a delicate simmer. 

You sighed against Alexia’s lips as you pressed your body further into her, and in response she to you, and you relished how in spite of the strength that rested beneath the firmness of her self, everything about her remained, oh, so soft. And it was this want for more closeness that prompted you to tighten the grip around her hand that cupped your jaw, an unspoken plea for her to not let go–to not let you go.

How had you gone on for so long without her touch?

A familiar scream ruptured the silence, shattering the moment instantly.

It was automatic and immediate your reaction to it: you tore yourself from Alexia’s embrace and rushed towards Elisa’s bedroom, ignoring the way your vision blurred from the sudden exertion, your lungs protested as you hurried up the stairs. You were already expecting it but like all the times you were faced with it, your heart broke all the same at the sight of Elisa sitting up by the headboard of her bed, spine crooked as she curled in on herself, head lowered to the top of her knees while her hands pressed against her ears. Upon your intrusion, she lifted her head to reveal wide eyes that darted to you, frantic at first, but the apprehension in them dimmed when she saw you. 

You tried to compose yourself as you approached her slowly, before you placed yourself just by the edge of her bed.

Gently, you called out, “ladybug?”

Not a second later did Elisa throw herself into your embrace and immediately hid her face in the crook of your neck, her hands clawing and gripping at the fabric of your shirt while her sobs made rattles from her bones. All of her self was tense, taught and coiled, her pain’s physical manifestation–all the intangible grief violently wrought into existence. 

Elisa clung to you as she cried and you could do nothing in the moment but offer comfort through your embrace, hugging her just as tight, brushing back her hair–consoling–as you began a common lullaby in her mother tongue, rocking her to its gentle rhythm in the hopes that it could salve the wounds of her past even a little. 

In her own time, Elisa emerged from the throes of her grief, her grip on your soaked shirt loosened, her sobs now reduced to hiccups and sniffles. You carded your fingers through her damp hair and wiped the sweat that lined her forehead.

As softly as you could, you whispered, “want to talk about it, ladybug?”

Elisa didn’t answer as she seemed to gather herself, gnawing on her lower lips, brows creased in a pained frown. You were about to remind her that she didn’t have to when she answered in a voice so small that made the rawness in it all the more pronounced. 

“I saw Mother’s… I saw her dead beside me again.” She cuddled closer to you before she continued, “it’s always been her but when I looked this time I–”

Fresh tears sprung to her eyes, they fell when she squeezed them shut, and your heart broke a little more. You were quick to hug her tighter, pressing a kiss on the top of her head to console her. Elisa sniffled then she continued, “this time I–I saw you instead. I saw you dead.”

Elisa whimpered and she clung to you again.

“Oh, ladybug. That must have been difficult to see.” You hugged her tighter. “Were you scared?”

Nod. 

“What were you scared of?”

Silence. 

“I was scared because I thought I was alone again. I was scared you left me, too.”

Her answer made you pause and you regarded her, your worry now twofold. 

“What else do you feel, Elisa?”

“I don’t know,” Elisa shrugged. She pressed a fist to her chest, “but it hurts right here. I hate it. I want it to disappear. Why does it still hurt so much?” 

The state of her pained you enough as it was but how much more agonising this must be for Elisa? So you pressed your temple on her head as you began, soft but firm when the words passed through your lips. 

“It aches so it’s not surprising you want it to go away. And you hate it because it stays with you. And it hurts because you’re still grieving, Elisa. A year may feel like a long time but what happened to you is not an easy thing to move on from. You’re still trying to heal.” 

“If there is part of you that’s telling you it’s your fault your family died, I want you to remember that it isn’t. It isn’t your fault. You were so loved, Elisa, and you loved them just as much. And you still are loved.”

“I won’t leave you. As long as we’re here–your Uncle Derek, Uncle Robert, Nana, and I–as long as you want us to be, we’ll be your family and we love you. And death might come for all of us, and it is scary, terrifying and painful most times, but our love will never fade. The love given to you and the love that made you, they will never leave you, Elisa. Love comes and goes, and it may change its form, but it is never lost. You’re right here with me and you’re safe, and I love you. You’re never alone, ladybug, don’t you ever forget that.”

Elisa turned her head to look up at you and in the warm glow of her nightlight, you saw her chin quiver. “Promise you’ll never leave me?”

“As long as I breathe, I promise.”

You pressed a kiss on the top of her head, on her temple, then on her forehead before you hugged her again. Elisa sagged in your embrace as a watery sigh escaped her lips, and though she sniffled, she shed no more tears.

“I love you, too, Mom.”

In response, you kissed her forehead.

“How are you feeling now, ladybug?”

“A lot better, thank you.”

“Do you need me to get you anything?”

“Water, please?” 

“Okay. Do you want to come with me downstairs or are you alright with me going for a bit?”

Elisa thought about it before she said, “I’ll be alright here.”

You smiled at your daughter, half encouraging and more than proud, as your chest filled with warmth at her display of bravery. You stood, grabbed a fresh shirt from her closet and placed it on her lap so she could change out of her damp one. “Okay. How about you change into this while I’m gone, hmm? I’ll be right back.”

She nodded and you darted out of the room but not after you placed another kiss on top of her head and squeezed her knee for reassurance. So engrossed were you in your aim that you nearly ran into Alexia who was just standing off to the side of the doorway, an unopened bottle of water in hand. As soon as she saw you, she offered it to you without a word with a soft look in her eyes made warmer by the dim, yellow glow of the wall lamp beside her head. It was a simple gesture but your heart expanded from the thought behind it, so much so that you nearly cried when you took the bottle from her. 

“Is there anything else you need?” Alexia whispered as she stepped into your space, brushing the back of her hand over your cheek gently. You leant into the comfort of her touch and sighed, before you shook your head in answer.

“This is more than enough, thank you.” You met Alexia’s gaze one more time before you knocked on Elisa’s door and slipped back into it upon her consent. Once inside, you opened the bottle and gave it to Elisa and as she sipped from it, you ventured into her closet again to grab a small towel to dry her sweat with.

“How do you feel, ladybug?” You asked as you ran the towel over her face and the back of her neck.

“Sleepy,” she said with a small smile. You returned it in kind.

“Do you want to try going back to sleep? I’ll stay here if you want.”

Elisa yawned her agreement as she nodded so you tucked her in. Then you reclined against her headboard and began a lullaby, gently dragging the back of your finger in the space between her eyes until her eyelids fluttered close before her breathing deepened and eventually evened out. You remained there until you were certain Elisa had fallen asleep completely before you slipped back out, making sure to leave a slight gap between the door and the frame just in case Elisa woke up again. 

It wasn’t a surprise when you found Alexia still patiently waiting out in the hall, who pushed herself from the wall she was leaning on upon seeing you.

“Is she okay?” She asked softly, looking over your shoulder at Elisa’s door, concern apparent in her tone and the crease between her brows. 

“She’s… she’ll get there. She’s been through a lot for someone so young but she’s getting better.” It was getting frequent again, you noted with more than a hint of worry, Elisa’s recurring nightmares about the horrors she’d witnessed. You knew you needed to talk to Elisa about her therapy and if she’d be inclined to take more sessions to unpack this because there was only so much you could do to help her.

“What happened to her?” 

You looked at Alexia at that, unable to answer her–had no desire to if you were being honest. How could you come up with the words to explain it especially when doing so would lead to questions about what happened to you? And that was something you truly didn’t want to, or even knew how to, talk about. 

Alexia must had found something in your eyes because she just nodded at your reticence and casted her gaze down. You grazed your knuckles over the back of her hand, partly in appreciation for her respect and partly for her to follow you, while you stepped past her to the stairs down to the living room, Alexia’s footsteps not too far behind you. 

The both of you entered the living room in silence, the tension from what transpired between the two of you upon Alexia’s arrival and the weight of what you were about to talk about made the air thick for breathing. 

With crossed arms you settled on the wingback chair on the far side of the coffee table while Alexia situated herself on the other at the opposite side, leaving the couch unoccupied; the memories in it far too intimate for two people who’d grown apart.

During this reprieve, you finally allowed yourself the luxury to take Alexia in. You didn’t really get the chance to, it had all been a blur the moment she strode through the door, but now your eyes roamed over her freely. 

She had a pair of low rise denims on, a leather jacket over a white shirt that revealed a strip of her stomach while her loose, light brown hair framed her face. Even when sitting down, her character remained undiminished especially with the way she sat with her legs parted, one hand hanging over the chair’s arm while the other was on her chin, fingers splayed over her lips as she regarded you quietly in a fixing gaze that left you feeling exposed–vulnerable. 

Alexia brushed her lower lip with her fingers as she sank further against the upholstered back of the chair, tilting her chin up slightly as she kept her eyes trained at you. Her movement caused the warm glow of the light to touch her lips, drawing your attention to them, and you noted how they still glistened from the sheen of your lip balm from when she’d kissed you before, and the reminder made you burn, unpleasant in the way it ached, a bittersweet mixture of your immense desire and longing for the woman before you. It was intentional the way she moved; you knew it from the way Alexia’s eyes challenged you to speak up but you couldn’t quite find the words to say–you didn’t dare to. 

“Are they real?” Came the question. 

It was low and even, how Alexia posed it, but the abruptness with which the silence was broken made you flinch. That didn’t go unnoticed by Alexia it seemed because her gaze immediately softened. 

“Are what real?” 

“What you wrote in those notes you left me. Are they?” 

The silence that settled in the space between you pressed against your chest, made even heavier with the weight in Alexia’s eyes. You tore your gaze away from her and you didn’t dare look back up. 

“Look at me and tell me those didn’t mean a thing and I’ll leave.” ‘Just like you left me’, you heard the words Alexia left unspoken and then she continued, “I’ll leave and I won’t bother you again.”

She was serious. You knew if you lied and told her otherwise, she’d keep her word; she’d be out of your life completely. Were you willing to run? Were you ready to live a life without her for good?

Still without meeting her eyes you voiced barely above a whisper, “I… I can’t.”

Then you heard Alexia draw a breath, long and deep, followed by the unmistakable rustle of clothes before the air stilled once more. Not a moment later though a choked sound broke the quiet and immediately, your head whipped to the sound and found Alexia now bent forward, elbows resting on the top of her knees, her head bowed into the cradle of her open palms while her hair formed a curtain around her face. 

“‘What’s happening to me? I’ve not know desire like this–like how it is with you. How, then, can I go on without you now that I found you?’” Each word came out strained as her breath stuttered and yours, too, hitched at what Alexia just recited. Then she lifted her head up a fraction but it was enough for you to see the undisguised pain reflected in those eyes and the sight of them made yours burn. 

“You didn’t even give me a chance. You wrote and left those words to me but what was I supposed to do with them? What was I meant to do?” 

A pause.

“I thought I knew what feeling lost was like. My ACL taught me that and when my father–” Alexia screwed her eyes shut as she drew in a heavy breath. She continued after a moment, “but after you went away, I felt lost again. I didn’t know what to do with myself, didn’t know how or what to feel. All I knew was I was mad at you for leaving, for what you said to me, for not responding… I was hurt. And I felt so empty that I didn’t look through that damn bag you left me.”

“But I missed you. God, I missed you, so I opened it and what did I find? Your fucking notes.” Alexia laughed, flat and void of any warmth, and she shook her head as if in disbelief, digging the heels of her palms into her sockets before looking back at you with raw eyes. “‘With every kiss, every touch, I become more yours. If you ask me to, I will surrender myself to you.’ If you truly meant that, why did you leave?” 

“Won’t you even tell me why?” Alexia repeated, now pleading. 

“I–” You began but the words caught in your throat as you turned her question over in her head because why, why did you leave? 

“I was… I was afraid.” You admitted finally, your voice barely above a whisper. 

“Afraid of what?” 

“To hear that I meant nothing to you, to know I felt more for you than you did for me. I was just one of your girls, right?” You laughed bitterly, hating the way tears immediately fell down your cheeks, as you looked over Alexia’s shoulder, unable to look her in the eye as you spoke. You were weak enough as it was, so bare that one word from her could make you bleed if she wanted to.

“I couldn’t bear to hear that from you so I left. And perhaps it was cruel of me to leave those notes behind but I didn’t want to take them with me. I didn’t want the reminder of what we had and what we could’ve been. And I guess, deep down, I just wanted you to know how you made me feel because even if it ended, even if it meant nothing to you, that doesn’t change the fact that you made me happy.”

“‘Nothing?’ What do you mean–” Confusion first swam in her hazel eyes but her eyes suddenly widened. “That day… you were there?”

You hastily wiped your tears away with the back of your hand. “Yes.” 

“Oh my god,” Alexia whispered as she lowered her head even further, fingers digging into her scalp as she shook her head. You heard her mutter something in Catalan that you couldn’t quite understand, barely catching the familiar Spanish words for ‘kill’ and ‘two’ from whatever she said. 

Then Alexia gazed up at you with fire in her eyes. “If what we had meant nothing to me, I wouldn’t be here. Whatever you heard that day, there’s no truth to it.”

“All of it? Then tell me, what did Mapi mean when she said I’m one of your girls?” 

At that, Alexia opened her mouth before closing it again, then she casted her gaze aside. 

Your heart dropped.

She wrung her fingers, the muscle in her jaw ticked while her frown deepened but she found the courage to look you in the eye again as she began to speak. “After I got injured, I was a wreck. It was one of the lowest points of my life. I felt like I was stuck, like my life was playing out in front of me and I couldn’t do anything but watch.”

“The world moved on but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get past it, what happened and what would come after. It was a constant one step forward, three steps back. So I… I slept around because I needed control. I was spiralling when you met me and it’s–it’s true I had others while I was with you.”

Oh, how her words branded you! Perhaps there was still a small part of you that hoped Alexia would deny it but as the words spilled from Alexia’s lips, that vision was immediately dashed and in its place bloomed anguish. Your eyes burnt as you took Alexia in, she–with her lips pressed in a thin line and the corners of them crooked downwards, brows furrowed so deep her eyes were almost covered–looked guilty and in as much pain as you upon her own admittance.

“I had others but not after the first time we had dinner together. At that point, I stopped. I stopped because I hoped… I hoped that we could be more. I still do. But it never meant nothing to me, you never meant nothing to me. I just want you to know that.”

You bit your lip as her words sank in, and your stomach dropped even further as you realised something. The falling out, it was all your fault, wasn’t it? If you’d just talked to her, none of this would’ve happened. 

The silence must had lasted longer than you realised because you heard Alexia’s whispered plea, “please, say something.”

“I… I want nothing more than to be with you, Alexia. In my mind, it had always been you and instead of telling you, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t make my intentions clear and it was unfair of me to expect you to know them. I was going to–I was going to ask you to be mine that night but when I heard you say those words, I lost it.” 

Tears tracked down your cheeks as you choked out, “I’m sorry. I broke us, didn’t I?”

Alexia was quick to answer. 

“No, you were scared and hurting. I can’t hold that against you. And it’s not just you, it’s not like I was very vocal about what I wanted either. I should’ve told you what you meant to me, I should’ve made it clear what I wanted from this–from us.” Alexia looked into your eye with an ardent disposition that made you shiver while a small, hopeful smile graced her lips. “I still want you. If you still want me, have me.” 

Her declaration moved you and this wasn’t the first time tonight that her words made your heart ache–fed fuel to the fire that was your yearning. The temptation to accept her offer was too much but you stopped yourself; the logical part of you who knew that you weren’t the same person as the one Alexia met prevented you from saying yes. 

“I’m not the same person I was from before, Alexia. And I have a child. I don’t want you to trick yourself into thinking you want what comes with me just because you want me.”

“Then let me in! Let me know this version of yourself and don’t decide for me if I want or don’t want to be with you. Let me make that choice this time.” Alexia said, almost exasperated in the way she threw her hands up but desperation weighed heavier in her voice. “We don’t need to label it. You’re mine and I’m yours, isn’t that what matters?”

“And if it doesn’t work out?”

“And if it does? And now that we know what we want from each other, it’s not like how it was before.” Alexia countered easily. Then she added with a half smile, teasing. “C’mon. I thought you’re the optimistic one in this relationship?”

You couldn’t help it, you smiled at her lightness. Then you nodded. 

“Okay. So, can we start over slow?”

“That sounds good.” Then Alexia grinned, mischievous with the way she brushed her thumb over her nose and how her dimple gilded the corner of her lips. “Hi, I’m Alexia. What’s your name?” 

The absurdity of what she said caught you off guard, even more so the laughter that bubbled out from your throat. As your laughter faded and Alexia’s grin dimmed to a small smile, a vacuous silence settled over the both of you, a welcome reprieve from the weight and tension that filled the air moments ago. Your eyes roamed over Alexia’s figure in silent appraisal, and hers over yours, as you mapped the familiar contours of her silhouette. Then you noticed a change in her demeanour: her eyes darkened, a look you were well acquainted with fifteen months–a look that your body remembered all too well with the way your flesh burnt. 

“Did you have others?” The question took you aback and you were sure that you weren’t able to hide the surprise from your face because where the hell did that come from? Still, you indulged her.

“Not in the way you think. I can’t even kiss anyone without thinking of you. It’s not fair to them if I take them on as my lover when I know I’m still hung up on you.”

“‘Still’, huh?” Alexia hummed in response and her gaze only became darker, eyes now lidded.

You scoffed at her arrogance but it lacked any real bite because it was true anyway. Your cheeks warmed at her attention and you crossed your legs, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Alexia–the way she bit her lower lip made it known to you she knew just what she was doing to you–before you casted your eyes aside, down to the floor. “Don’t be an ass about it.” 

At the sound of clothes rustling, you looked back up only to find Alexia had already crossed the distance and now stood an arm’s length away. Your body, always in tune to her presence, parted your legs before you could think better of it and Alexia claimed what little space between you, her knees now against the edge of the chair. 

She planted both hands on either side of your chair’s arms as she leant down, craning her neck so that you could feel the warmth of her breath against your cheek.

“I’m being serious.” 

The words were whispered so close to your lips that you could feel the heat of hers as they brushed over yours. 

“I tried. But you… you had others, didn’t you? I saw the photos.” You tilted your head, relished the way Alexia followed and ghosted over your lips as you did so, whispering the words against her jaw. 

She shivered.

“One. Just the one before I read your notes.” And she leant in again and this time, you could almost taste her lips from how close she was to you. “She never touched me. And besides, who do you think she looked like?”

An image of the woman came to your mind. You didn’t realise it then but now her resemblance to you became apparent: the colour of her hair and the length of it, the colour of her eyes, her height. They were all similar to you.

“But you touched her.” It wasn’t a question and the silence that followed was confirmation enough. You didn’t hold that against her–couldn’t–but it hurt you still. You didn’t even know you’d teared up until Alexia swept her thumb over the corner of your eye, soft and careful; apologetic. And then a fire sparked in you, an all consuming green that prompted you to ghost your lips back to Alexia’s neck. You didn’t miss the way her pulse jumped when you left a light kiss there.

“Tell me, Ale. Did she feel better than me?”

“No,” Alexia choked out and the heat of it warmed your ear.

A kiss to the corner of her jaw. “Did she moan your name like I did?”

“No.”

You placed another kiss to the lobe of her ear before you whispered, low and cruel, and obscenely shameless. 

“Did she come for you like I did?” 

That did it.

Alexia took the back of your head in her hand and pulled you in for a kiss. A soft moan left your mouth–or was it from Alexia–as you surrendered to her heat, melting instantly and lips parting for her and her only. You felt her other hand creep down to the small of your back where she pulled you forward, urging you to stand up. When you did, and without breaking the kiss, Alexia manoeuvred the both of you until you felt the soft texture of the couch against the skin of your calves.

You pulled away with a gasp and before Alexia could upon her eyes, you stepped aside and pushed her just enough for her to end up on the couch, eyes flying in surprise at the sudden change of position. She opened her mouth, as if to protest, but she quickly shut it when you straddled her lap, hands automatically over her jaw and neck as you sank into her lips again. 

Alexia dragged her lips away from yours and you were about to sigh in disappointment until you felt her tracing the lobe of your ear with her tongue. Then she nipped along your jaw as she whispered, a smile clear in her voice, “that’s right… You like being on top.”

You shivered as her hands traced your silhouette but when you felt her hands move from your ass to the edge of your shirt, brushing against the skin of your back with clear intentions, the haze lifted immediately as apprehension filled you. The words didn’t even leave your mouth before Alexia stopped her ministrations, pulling away from your lips gently, and she opened her eyes, which revealed at first the deep desire in them, now replaced with concern as she met your gaze.  

“Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?”

Shaking your head, you placed a slow, lingering kiss on her lips before you broke away again, breathing heavily as you rested your forehead on hers.

“I’m sorry. And no, you didn’t. It’s not that I don’t want you because I do. God, I want you so much, you don’t even know, but I’m not–I think we’re going too fast and Elisa…” You trailed off, cheeks warming. 

Without another word, Alexia fixed the hem of your shirt so the strip of exposed skin was covered, and placed a tender kiss on your cheek. Then she shifted beneath you, shrugged off her leather jacket and placed it on the coffee table, before she lied down. 

A gentle hand on your back urged you down on her chest and upon doing so, you sighed as a sense of peace washed over you and you found yourself sinking into her tender warmth, into the safety of her arms wrapped around your waist.

She brushed back hair from your temple and you felt the flutter of her hum against your cheek before you heard it. “Are you comfortable?”

The gesture made you ache and you feared your words would fail you if you spoke so you only nodded, nuzzling the column of her neck with your nose and placed a kiss there as a form of gratitude.

Alexia pressed her lips on top of your head and then you heard her sigh, content. “Good.”

[nemotakeit]

i think that if we dig all the way down to the roots of tøp's musical theme, it all comes down to that constant internal conflict between desperately wanting to be seen and desperately wanting to stay hidden. we can see how they've been making gradual progress in "managing the tension" but it's still there on Clancy. dare i say it's the central theme of the lore as well.. the reason the character & the era Clancy feels so rebellious is because he's actively fighting to Be Seen. the oscillation continues, but a subversive variable has emerged.

[ganondoodle]

rough draft for chapter 2 of my zelda comic has finally been COMPLETED! current page count is 68, but that can change as im going through, cutting and redoing panels and all

i will start (trying) to render the first pages soon (its been so long ...)

[lottieurl]

please ignore this if you disagree. this is just me thinking out loud but i keep coming back to this impulse shauna had to EAT the ear and of course there's been all this talk about how she wants to consume jackie. how it's wanting to destroy her how it's wanting to be as close to her as possible. but i'm interested in the physicality of it. like there is the metaphor of cannibalism and then there is the REALITY of it

i read about mortuary cannibalism in the past and i believe it wasn't even the close loved ones eating the dead usually because often it would be too hard for them and even those who weren't as close and were the ones to consume the dead would sometimes throw up while eating. like let's put aside for a moment everything this means narratively and metaphorically. there is the physical act of putting a real uncooked half frozen eat into your mouth and the fact that that's the ear of a person you LOVED. the ear you may have whispered secrets to during class and one you felt against your cheek when the two of you hugged. and shauna does that after gently caressing the ear in her pocket for an entire day

i think there's an interesting component to how she's interacting with dead-jackie. some part of her brain acknowledges that jackie is dead while a much larger part of her refuses to. and i think at least on some unconscious level she's aware of the way the cold preserves jackie's body. after the initial shock of finding jackie when we see her sit in the same room with her now she's keeping her distance. there's this feeling people usually get from seeing their dead loved ones especially if it's been a little while since they died - a feeling of alienation. the muscles are no longer animated, the skin no longer warm. a feeling of this person being foreign to you in some way suddenly. and so a part of me wonders if on some level she wanted to stop the ear from rotting now that it's not frozen, warmed by shauna's hand and safe in her pocket. i don't think it would be a conscious thought but it's just. walking around with that ear in your pocket. not wanting to part with any part of jackie. wanting to consume her yes but also wanting to preserve her in a very physical way in a sense

[rosylix]

hiiiiiii (^o^)

rosy pt 3 will be posted SOON‼️ maybe tomorrow or thurs/fri idk. definitely by the end of this week. keep ur eyes peeled. (^ー^)

[based--ball]

This has been the summer of the weird baseball creations for me and I have been having such a blast. Like who knew that to make me happy all you have to do is sit me down in front of a jays game with craft supplies or a laptop and a snack and a drink. I've made collages and I've written fic and I've written poetry for the first time since probably grade 6? I've started embroidering again? I made a paper doll even though I don't draw? I don't think of myself as a particularly creative person but I guess I have been making things so maybe I'm in my creative period lol

[pansyfemme]

Guess argument ruined because you made a spelling error, therefore, nothing else about this is important. Who even assumes something like armchair diagnostic call outs are about actual real therapists that actually know diagnostic criteria??? Surely that anon can't be serious... right?...

its not the first time i’ve had my takes seen as invaid because i mispelled something and probably wont be the last tbh, but i personally think that the fact i struggle a bit with spelling and grammar doesn’t override what i’m saying and it’s kind of ironic to nitpick it when we’re speaking about not always knowing what someone struggles with just by looking at them/hearing them speak.

[racetrackmybeloved]

i need to chill tf out about this damn musical, i had an idea for a post that could be achieved in like. two screenshots and four sentences. three hours later i have a 1707 word draft, including not one, not two, but TWENTY FIVE SCREENSHOTS (not all of them being of the musical lmao). i dont even know how that happened

is that something youd even wanna see HAHA or should i break it up into chunks so that people actually read it? idk about breaking it up tho bc theyre all kinda related to the central point?? and id have to reorganise everything and idk if i have the energy for that

[thedrotter]

as a little treat i am sharing with you little Aya doodles I've done over the last few days to unwind ww just little expressions based on lines in-game because those are always fun to draw. nothing too special just biscuit

it's Aya because upon doing bizarrely throughout playthroughs of the game for still unspecified project purposes I've gained a soft spot for her she's my daughter now my mental tier list on my favorite characters is so confusing right now

[johnentwistlesbassguitar]

NSFW and selfship

Thinking about meeting John for the first time and falling obsessively in love with him (mid 60s), I'd probably stalk him for a while and show up to all the concerts I could get in to and be constantly trying to get to him after shows, eventually he'd notice that it's the same weird freak at every show the thought of him knowing I exist and thinking I'm weird/gross makes me a little weak I need him chained up in my basement NOWWW the things I'd do to him

Ok so this era specifically makes me feral bcs good lord 🥴🥴 and there's smthn so cute and innocent abt him him still I bet he'd get so easily overwhelmed holy shit, also I'm aware that young John was pretty insecure of his appearance which like WHYY and he'd never be insecure again after meeting me istg I'd love that man sm even if I would have to kidnap him literally nothing would keep me from him trust meeee

I would make him feel so good I'd take amazing care of him he'd never want another man or woman!! I'd love to touch his hair and take care of it for him ik he was so fussy over it, also showering with him ughhh and just seeing him naked and getting to feel all over his body PLEASE the size difference between me and him is huge also just thinking abt how wide and soft he would be 😖

Like I just need him to love me and rely on me and let me do everything for him and be his loyal little housewife/husband I'd never ask for anything from him ☹️ (lie) imagining holding him tight as he sleeps and making him feel safe enough that he knows he can always be emotional around me id never make him feel bad for anything tbh 💔💔

This era is actually my favorite of his tho bcs how is he so adorable while looking so threatening?!?! (I don't think that's the right word but idgaf) like he would def be so willing to submit trust me I want to tie him up and worship him (I'm normal and sane trust me)

Ok more thoughts abt me stalking John bcs by this era he would be very familiar with my weirdness since he expected me to leave him alone after the first year or so but nooooo he's not getting away from me at this time id def start making moves as much as I can even if it's pathetic since I can't seem to get him alone hes too famous now 😢 I'd break into his dressing room before a show and he'd kick the shit outta me but he'd start to get attached trust 🙏🙏

After a while out of pure frustration he'd give me what I want from him (attention) and he'd actually not hate me as much as he thought he would hehe (this would be like 1975) also tho I'm considering the scandal of John always hanging around with a boy who's not famous (fake 70s me is a photographer btw) he'd have all kind of excuses for interviewers tho and I'd just giggle bcs he's doing so much just so he can stay with me

THIS PHOTO I NEED TO INCLUDE BCS WTF he's way too cute and pretty I'm gonna sit in his lap and kiss his face all over I would overstimulate him so so much and introduce him to kinks and stuff he didn't even consider

Also I have to bring up his ultra tight clothing bcs omfg I'm screaming like I can see his nipples I'm drooling

Im so thankful for johns too small clothing since he so rarely got shirtless (I wish he did a full naked photoshoot like Keith tho, I demand to see his dick) like how is he fully clothed and still being so sexual!? I need to feel all his curves and leave bite marks/hickeys on his belly and thighs I deserve to also don't even get me started on how fucking sexy his tits are (lowk need to lick his chest)

Closing thoughts are it's probably a good thing I wasn't alive in the 60s/70s bcs John would've gotten a restraining order agaisnt me

[intothegenshinworld]

Dottore x Reader but it’s SteampunkAU.  

The capital city of Fountaine is beautiful. But when you look past the tall buildings stacked onto eachother, you find a hidden society that’s been tortured with poverty and disease for far too long. 

Zandik is an example of the effects society has on it’s people. He lives by the motto; ‘There are no kind people in this world’, and he’s more than happy to participate in this ‘kill or be killed’ ideology that goes around. Zandik, or ‘Dottore’ – the name he’s earned overtime, will quite literally kill for pieces of mechanical scraps he can’t get by. Energy corses, cogwheels, screws, – anything really. He needs it all. With every piece of scrap he’s one step closer to creating his own god. 

And then there’s you. A young bright person who just entered the brighter parts of Fountaine’s society, trying to better the world by joining the control force. You’ve always been good at puzzles, and trying to uncover the person behind the name ‘Dottore’ is just another exciting adventure. And despite your boss putting you on the job to make you feel pressured, you’re damn good at unravelling the dark secrets within Fountaine. 

The first step is finding someone who is good at building machines. You’re not fond of mechanical engineering yourself so you need a partner, – someone who can seek a connection between the stolen goods. 

What is this ‘Dottore’ trying to achieve? Why go through such lengths?

– It’s not long before you find your partner.

Zandik is a mechanical genius who dropped out of one of the most prestigious schools only to end up drowning in debts and poverty when the school kicked him out. 

He might be a bit eccentric but he holds up his reputation of being a ‘mechanical genius’. By his side you’re able to get closer and closer to uncovering the identity of ‘Dottore’. 

Will you uncover the identity behind the most wanted criminal in Fountaine, – or will Dottore successfully create a manmade god to overthrow the entirety of Fountaine, keeping his enemies so close to him that he’ll go under everyone’s radar?

[beware-of-eels]

Rajbow AU where Bowie and Emma go ice skating during free skate hours at the rink Raj and Wayne work part time to help cover hockey costs

except instead of being bad at it, Bowie fully knowing how to skate- instead faking a minor (graceful) fall so that the cute rink employee with the eyebrows comes over to help him up and check on him. And maybe get his number

Got carried away thinking about this in detail so if you want the longer babbly almost-a-fic version it's under the cut lmao

[disclaimer: everything ik abt ice rinks is from going to the one at the mall like. maybe three times in my life bdbsbnxnd. I live in Texas] [i've also literally never written fanfic and so am not much of a writer but this kind of possessed me when i was bored at work so if the dialogue is bad or ooc and the tense is all off.... no its not lmao]

Anyways - Emma's decided she's going to invest in hobbies that she DIDN'T share with chase, something completely separate and away from him -- chase thinks its to impress him bc of course he does. someone send this boy to detention--and drags Bowie along "so she's not alone, obviously"

good friend that he is, Bowie goes with, and especially bc Bowie DOES know how to skate - pretty well actually. he's no figure skater/hockey player/etc, but if Bowies going to do anything in public he's going to do it well. he can make his way around the rink with ease, manage a little fancy footwork when he wants to, enough to pull a minor trick out of his hat. besides, what's the point of doing something if you can't show off a little bit? never hurts to catch someone's eye, or establish yourself to your peers as someone who knows what they're doing -- and really, Bowie's counting on his reputation to ensure those prom votes.

what Bowie didn't count on was the cute hockey boy that was handing off skate rentals to blush and stammer so sweetly when he flirted with him for the hell of it. and he really didn't count on said cute hockey boy having a shift change and heading onto the rink to fill in as ice monitor pretty soon after he and Emma start skating. Even in the flourescent lighting the boy is cute, and it doesn't take a genius to see how hockey has bulked him up - and he really was so endearing when he was flustered- so Bowie figures why not try his hand at a little more fun. And really, what better way to shoot his shot than to fake needing a little extra help from a buff hockey player?

Naturally Wayne and Raj work their stations together - their manager had tried to separate them once and was QUICK to never make that mistake again - so when they've switched out with their coworkers handling skate rentals, they're immediately out on the ice together, as loud and rambunctious as they can get away with without reprimand

if Raj is a little (not-so) secretly excited to maybe see the cute boy that winked at him earlier - Yknow, bc it made him feel excited! ...whatever that meant - then that's between him, Wayne, and the hockey gods. otherwise hes just pumped to be on the ice with his best bud. They're making their rounds, keeping an eye out for anything dangerous or against the rules that they might have to intervene, and otherwise yelling hockey metaphors and mutual encouragement as loudly as they can get away with

and right when Wayne has to slip away to separate a couple of kids trying to trip eachother, Bowie decides to makes his move

He gives emma the heads up that he's gonna slow down and try something, and does his best to fall as gracefully as he can - maintaining the look of competence is still important after all - while still doing so loud enough to garner the cute hockey boy's - Rajie?- attention. He sits on the ice a second longer than he strictly necessary, and by the time he's ready to stand back up Raj is there holding out a steady hand, bushy eyebrows pulled together in concern.

"oh my god are you okay - here I'll help you up" He looks so worried for a moment that Bowie almost feels bad for lying. Almost.

"well i'm much better now" Bowie throws the boy another wink, earning him the exact flustered face Raj had responded with before. Forget subtlety if that's the reaction he was going to get by being forward, "but I do think my ankle could use a little TLC - care to help me get somewhere to sit down?

"Uh yes! Yes of course, thats. thats what I'm here for!" Raj can feel his face heating up as he stammers under the gaze of the boy in front of him "I'm Raj, uh by the way"

And isn't he just too cute "I'm Bowie, it's nice to meet you"

Raj quickly signals to Wayne the general situation, and then solidifies himself into position to help Bowie up without falling himself. after that it doesn't take too much finagling to get bowie back up to his feet and leaning heavily on raj's shoulder and the two of them start to slowly make their way back off of the rink. Bowie can't help but smile a bit- he was absolutely right about Raj being buff, and he couldn't wait to see what else he had in store.

Raj, nervous about having a cute boy so close to him suddenly, does what he does best - fall into Hockey talk - or in this case, hockey adjacent. Hockey could be a dangerous sport - he'd helped teammates with ankle sprains plenty of times! It would probably help Bowie feel better to know that Raj has this handled "We'll have to check which part of your ankle hurts once we sit you down - just to make sure it's not a fracture. You can lean on me more if you need! its uh, you don't want to put too much pressure on it until we can take a look at it. I should have some extra stuff in my bag to wrap it up if its a sprain, and then I can see if we still have ice packs in the first aid kit! Hopefully it's just a sprain, but dont worry if it's worse I'll still make sure you're okay! When me and wayne - that's my buddy - were kids, I fractured my arm pretty bad at practic-"

Bowie had seen already that Raj was a little nervous talking to him, if plenty enthusiastic. But the sweetness of his scramble to comfort Bowie for an injury that hadn't even occured - not that he had to know that - was invigorating none the less. There was a genuineness to the boy that was refreshing, and he was sure if he was actually hurt, he would be feeling calmed and comforted by his babbling. If not for the talk about first aid, then for the earnestness in Raj's telling of his own past injuries on the ice.

Raj doesn't realize he's still talking until he's helping Bowie sit down on a bench outside near the skate rental area. "oh sorry if that was too much - I'm gonna go get the first aid kit then I'll be right back!"

He walked off quickly, glad for the chance to take a breather, and keep his head from being clouded by sharp eyes and quit witted flirting. Not to mention the bold choice of Bowie to wear a crop top to go ice skating. It certainly did look nice on him

Once Raj returns, he leans down and carefully begins checking Bowies ankle for anything serious - slowly pressing on the skin and rotating the foot to gauge maneuverability. Satisfied with Bowie's assessment that the pain wasn't too bad, he got to work wrapping his foot - Raj wasn't going to let shoddy first aid exacerbate the problem.

Looking down at the hockey player in front of him, Bowie gets to work on his own interests. "Thank you for all your help - usually I consider myself a pretty good skater, but oh well. I guess one person can't be fantastic at everything all the time," he punctuated with a large sigh, wiggling his toes when Raj motions for him to.

"Oh I'm sure you're always fantastic! I've been skating since I could walk and even I still take a tumble from time to time - that doesn't mean you aren't great! I guess mine usually come from bad checks though eh? Oh because I play hockey! I don't remember if I told you that-- A-anyways, I didn't really get to see you skate before you fell but I'm sure you're incredible. I mean you seem incredible. At skating! I mean"

Raj finally cuts himself off, hoping to end the awkardness of his own rambling. All he had to do was finish wrapping up Bowie's ankle and exit the interaction with minimal blushing - he could do that! He could hear Wayne's voice hyping him up in his head - was a snow owl, he'd faced goons bent on injuring and cross checks more than even made sense for a highschool league - he could handle getting through a conversation with a cute boy. Even if said cute boy had long eyelashes and a knowing smile and a pearl necklace expertly framing his neck.

Bowie of course could not be more pleased - it seems Raj was more than just fun to fluster. He was sweet and earnest and clearly passionate about hockey - enough that Bowie found himself actually looking forward to hearing more of Raj's confusing hockey lingo, if it meant seeing that focused look in his eyes when he started getting carried away.

"Well if you really think so, maybe you'd like to see how incredible I am some other time - when you're not working, of course"

"For sure dude! That sounds like loads of fun!" Raj's agreement comes out enthusiastic, until he look down at Bowies ankle in his hands, freshly wrapped and now with an ice pack to match "But not until your ankle's healed up - skating's great but you won't be able to if you hurt your ankle worse by pushing it." The sudden intensity of his expression betraying how seriously the boy takes his sport.

Bowie stifles a laugh "It really doesn't hurt that much, but deal. Maybe you can show me some of your fancy hockey moves while we're at it" he said liltingly. and theres that blush again, hard to see on his skin but clear as day to the boy who triggered it "in the meantime though -can I get your number?"

Raj answers without even taking a beat "Oh I'm number 8! On the snow owls, I'm actually alternate capt-" he's cut off by a gentle hand on his own where it's still holding the ice pack.

"I actually meant your phone number" bowie's ecpression is nothing but kind, so Raj doesn't feel quite so clueless when he manages out a

"Right! yes, right - here let me see your phone"

the two boys quickly exchange numbers, as Bowie continues his previous thought "But I'd love to hear all about your hockey team on our date"

"Yeah! ha, that sounds good."

The two of them stay a moment just to smile at one another, before the moment is broken-

"RAJIE! Are you doin okay there bud? Do you need some help?" "Don't worry Wayners! I'll be over in a sec!"

Raj turns back to Bowie, sheepish "I uh, gotta get back to work, do you have somebody that can take you home safe?"

Bowie presses a quick peck to his cheek, "I've got a friend here with me, no need to worry about little ole me. I'll see you soon though, handsome"

And again that blush. Raj manages to stammer through a goodbye before trudging back to the ice - doing a quick lap around at full speed to release some of his energy before returning to his best friends side. He'd tell Wayne all about it later, for now he was just doing his best not to smile too hard.

Eventually Emma finds her way to Bowie sat on a bench, carefully tying his shoes back over a newly bandaged ankle.

"sooo how'd it go? you didn't really hurt your ankle did you? because you know I'd feel awful for bringing you here if you got hurt and didn't even get a cute boy's number out of it"

"No on the injury, Yes on getting his number - let's head back to your house, I'll catch you up on the ride home"

"Yes! well I'm glad one of us had a good time - after you left Chase walked by - how did he even know we were here? He's so -"

Bowie tunes out the rest of his friends rant, he'd heard this before, and he was sure she'd forgive him for not listening if he told her he was thinking about his upcoming date with Raj. The boy really was too good, and Bowie hadn't even really had to work very hard to find that out. He found himself throwing in an occasional remark to keep Emma going as they walked, thinking about the intensity with which Raj clearly loved sports, about the simple sincerity in the way that he talked. This really could be the start of something special

Yep, the trip to the ice rink had gone better than imagined. He just needed to admit to Raj that he had fallen on purpose and all would be well.

After they were on their date, of course.

[catinasink]

i wanna. slam my head into something reepeatedly

[knivestothroats]

we just finished the next crossover part. should we double post.

[becauseplot]

I finished Ordem Paranormal: Calamidae Episode 3! Wa hoo! A shorter episode, which obviously means this will be a shorter journal post right? Right???

And we're back with the Ordo crew! So happy to have my little guys again, I missed them. The Escripta crew was very interesting though, glad to have met them, looking forward to another session with them. I'm actually writing this having started Episode 4 because up until now I've had time to watch bits of episodes but not sit down and write up a big post like this. But I'm here now!

Me and my mutuals reblogging and liking each other's posts back and forth.

There isn't too much I want to talk about this episode. My last post sure was. A long one. I'll try to keep this one to the basics.

This episode should just be renamed to Carina and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. Jokes aside, though, Gabi was just. Holy shit. The sobbing, fuck, the voice cracking; the sheer vitriol and anguish and desperation. Chills. Her acting for Carina in this moment felt so raw, open wound. The pain in her voice. Ugh. God. Phenomenal.

The Devil sure is scheming something. More mentions of an oncoming "war," and an invitation to seemingly join a side. But seriously---invitations to a game from Kian, delivered by the Devil, found in Signore Leone's chest, locked in a box with the key found with blood beast Signora Leone, with the symbol from Arnaldo's grimoire on the envelopes. Okay. What the fuck. Whose side, exactly?? This "invitation" sure seems to have passed through a lot of hands. The battlefield of this war is currently a tangled mass of who-do-I-hate-less and my guys need to focus on just making it out of this mansion alive because oh shit there is a whole entire horde of blood zombies after them now D:

You know it's really funny. In my first journal post I was talking about how blood zombies are, at best, tutorial creatures to help new and returning players learn the revised combat mechanics, but now they're STILL TUTORIAL CREATURES MY GUYS FUCKED EM UP ROCKED THEIR SHIT TORE THEM TO SHREDS LETSGOOOO.

Highlights from this fight for me are: Carina turning into a human blender with her knife when in the zombie mosh pit, Dante dual-wielding his AoE spiral ritual, and "torretta."

Then there was the Hanna blood zombie. Lovely lovely detail to include that it looks like its limbs were reattached at wrong angles, as well as the Japanese character carved where its face would be. My boy is an artist <3

Really, though, it feels so. Mh. How do I say this. It's the fact that it's basically a creature of his own creation, intentionally or not. His hatred for the paranormal and the creatures it harbors vs the fact that he is somewhat responsible for this abomination existing. He feels. I don't want to say he feels unhuman, to call him no longer "human" would be doing the character a disservice, but he feels slightly left of human, you know? Not quite creature-coded, but more along the lines of a force of nature. A force of pain. Something that brings things like this into the world. Hanna, having been a powerful occultist in life, was always going to leave behind a powerful creature if left in a paranormally active area, but now it has some of Joui's influence on it and some of Joui's wrath inflicted upon it, which certainly has to be helping on the power-front.

I don't know. There's something about this that I feel like I'm walking around but not quite landing on. Get back to me in 3-5 business days.

(Update: I'm starting to think thoughts, and I might be terribly wrong about Joui being Death-leaning-but-backed-by-Blood-because-Devil and is instead just Blood. Not going to elaborate more because those thoughts need to stay in the pot to cook a little while longer but I really do hope Joui is still Death-leaning. Please it would make me specifically so happy.)

In any case, they took care of creature, even if it landed on top of Carina (ouch). Oh and the fan. Yes, the fan. Surprised that the fan does not, in fact, give the infamous paralysis ritual, which is what it was used for, and instead gives a zoomy ritual. Hanna does have multiple fans. According to Arthur's reaction, though, this seems to be the same one used to paralyze them, which I would assume would have the appropriate ritual symbol drawn on it. Ah well. Another ritual pocketed.

Upstairs and medical room (aka checkpoint before boss fight) and papers time, papers time, time to papers!

I actually don't remember too much about what they were talking about here, I'm pretty sure I was half-asleep when they were discussing lore. They looked over some more things with the black light (mention of a throne? like the Devil's?), they talked about the x-rays and the potential fact that Signore Leone had made a pact with the Devil when he was declared terminal with a heart tumor and BAM blood beast! Kinda sad that they didn't get to theorize more, but unfortunately this house is just full of horrors. I think I'll rewatch this section later.

Blood beast Signora Leone. MASSIVE. Rubens ran out into the hall, followed by Carina, because damn, short ranged weapons are a bad idea. (Head in hands, poor Balu....and with a paranormal Death spiral scar too...)

Believe it or not, these are screenshots from the same pause frame. Two very different emotions here.

At the very least, Arthur and Dante's sniper + echo dolor team attack came in clutch again (even if it was nerfed, rip Rakin) and it was especially cool this time around because Dante's turn was right after Arthur's for this combat. It really felt like they were trading off, chaining attacks. Neat!

More lore. Did not catch all of it. New page for the Grimoire with the symbol of the Mascaras...? Or something...? As you can see I pay careful attention to this series and all of the important plot points and investigation threads when they come up because I am an attentive viewer. Have a squished Dante.

Then there was the funeral for Signora Leone and the rest of the Leone family---once again a symbolic funeral, because there's rarely ever any remains left to bury when someone dies in this series, unfortunately. One thing I've noticed is that when a person dies in the middle of a mission, the burial always starts with their closest loved one(s) digging a grave with their bare hands. Sometimes someone else starts to help, sometimes someone else goes and finds a proper shovel, but it always starts with someone getting on their knees and clawing at the earth. It's raw. It's personal. You know the risks of your line of work and yet you still weren't prepared to do this; you could never be prepared to do this.

Arthur being there to support Carina in this horrible time, using everything he's learned from his own heartbreak and his own families to comfort her... He, too, lost his family in the span of a day. He, too, never got the chance to say goodbye. He, too, never could have imagined that something like this could happen. And Carina, just like he was, will also be saved by her new family---her team. So he gets on his knees beside her and helps her start to dig the grave. He tells her they'll carry the memories of their parted loved ones with them, and they'll continue fighting those bastard Occultists for the ones who are still here, and that the rest of the team will be here with her, always.

EVIL that Guaxi had Arthur pull out this photo. I get why, but EVIL.

A detail I love: in the middle of Arthur explaining all of this to her, calmly offering reassurances and comfort, at some point he hides his face and makes a furious expression---not the first time he's done this. I love the little peaks into how Arthur is really feeling about all of this bullshit. He's trying to stay level-headed and collected, presumably for the people on his team, but damn, it still hurts, and he's still pissed off. Just because he's showing less emotion than he used to doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.

Rotating Balu as well. He said he joined the Order looking for vengeance, like so many others, and everything that his vengeance and hate put him through wasn't worth it. so he left. "It’s better to live a life with a smile rather than with hate, even if it’s forced. You’ll see it’s not worth the pain. [...] I want to be the protagonist of my own story, I don’t want to just be the guy that hates others." Implying that letting yourself be moved by nothing but hate signifies a lack of agency over your own life LIKE YEAH. YEAH. THAT.

Clarissa continues to be stubborn. Everyone handles grief in different ways, and her taking a painful dig at Rubens is certainly a response---hurt people hurt people. Good on Rubens for simply leaving that conversation, it was going nowhere good.

Team sleepover on the (bloody) couches after making some food in the (bloody) kitchen in the (bloody) murderhouse! (If I had a nickel for every time etc etc.) Carina's conked out on the small couch mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted, Arthur and Dante are sharing the big couch and you cannot tell me Arthur is not drooling on him, Balu is sprawled out in one of the arm chairs, and Rubens has fully curled-up-crammed his body in the other.

The arrival of the rest of the Order really felt like the arrival of dawn. Agatha my beloved little alarm clock. Love how Carina, Rubens, and Balu jump when she shouts into the room and both Arthur and Dante barely stir. Something tells me they're used to this. And Ivete! She's here :D Things are feeling a bit lighter. Carina got to tell her sister that she deserves a day to break down and be a mess. Supporting each other <333

And oh, yeah. I feel physically ill about this. In a good way. More stuff about the Marcados being connected to each other by their players. And more stuff to imply the players are themselves entities of the Other Side if I squint, too. Foaming at the mouth.

"Liz would reveal [to Carina] that hate solves nothing, and the love of your family is much stronger." SO SOMEONE ON THE DISCORD TOLD ME THAT THIS WOULD'VE BEEN LIZ'S LAST WORDS TO JOUI IF SHE HAD BEEN ABLE TO SAY THEM. UNFORTUNATELY GABI WAS CUT OFF BY CELLBIT AS LIZ HAD CHOKED ON HER OWN BLOOD AS SHE DIED. ANYWAY. THINKING ABOUT THIS IN RELATION TO HOW JOUI IS NOW. CONSUMED BY HATE. Hard to say if hearing this would have done anything to "save" Joui considering that it was seemingly outstanding circumstances---the deal with the Mascaras---that really started him on that downward spiral in opd, though he was struggling before the Mascaras showed up and gave their deadline. Still. It's. A lot. Incredible coming from Liz, who in life believed herself to be a fundamentally bad, hateful person.

Does anyone still think about Elizabeth Webber because I think about Elizabeth Webber I think about Elizabeth Webber a lot actually I think tha

Bonus:

Fofoca (they are talking shit about you)

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

*laughs nervously* hey so. so the crackfic's getting kind of long