#i dont have the time for it anymore :( but ive thought about downloading it again a lot lol

[matryoshkalex]

been a little slow with art so heres some mha x mystic messenger art i did a while back !! because i always have to combine my hyperfixations

close ups below!!

[urbestestwindgod]

epic the musical sagas 1-7 song rating tw i have bad taste

1. keep your friends close—this shouldnt be a shocker this was the song that after knowing abt epic but noy having tiktok at the time to be able to see its progress n stuff i didnt know much abt it n listening to the songs out of order was confusing but the moment i hesrd this enchanting melody i was a fan fan downloading tiktok just for the updates from jorge this has been my unbeatable favorite for a while im rlly annoying abt it as we know

2. open arms—the first released song i heard that introduced me to epic and again not knowing much abt it or how to listen to it in order in the early days (fun fact my intelligence peaked in algebra and ive never been that smart abt anything else ever) seeing ppl talk abt polities not knowing he died was kinda scary like wdym this cutie goes to “the wrong club”?? :(

3. suffering—its fun n ody gets to talk to his wife what do u want from me

4. scylla—AHHHHHHHHHH i fold over and seize every time those strings start after the “hello”

5. ruthlessness—like the idea of poseidon man handling him what can i say WHAT DO YOU W A N T from meee

6. wouldnt you like—i would i would

7. remember them—hes so dumb i lovw him

8. lucky runs out—if iii wasnt overstimulated rn i could gather my thoughts and explain this but unfortunately i am a student

9. storm—this and luck runs out are twins in my head and heart

10. polyphemus—THATS MY CYCLOPS!!! HELL YEA!!!

11. legendary—very good, love how telemachus sings like an adolescent love his dreams and love him unfortunately it IS in the same saga as….her

12. little wolf—I THOUGHT WE WOULD ALL AHIP HIM AND ANTINOUS AFTER THIS AONG BC THERES TENSION GUYS I SWEAR WDYM ITS CONTROVERSIAL :(

13. no longer you—if i could dance i would dance to this, with air probably but still

14. full speed ahead—need this song spoonfed to me while i bang on the table like a toddler in a highchair

15. the horse and the infant—NEOPTOLEMUS MENTIONED??? AHHH!!!!

16. different beast—lovely lovely lovely his voice is so

17. survive—oooo uhhhh

18. mutiny—it shocks me every time somehow

19. monster—should be higher but i forgor abt it srry—yeayea great song kick my feet to it wvery tim

20. warrior of the mind—greek son and thought daughter (was funnier in my head)

21. my goodbye—she leaved :(

22. puppeteer—if circe (odyssey) didnt plague my view of circe (epic) i would like her songs more sorry guys

23. done for—is it baaaaadddd that i dont have many thoughts on this :(

24.there are other ways—IM SURE THERE ARE CIRCE IM SURE THERE ARE

25. thunder bringer—again this was meant to be higher but i was gonna put it somewhere special and forgor :(

26. the underworld—oh ouch ouch ouch ouchie ouch

27. god games—THE SNIPPET OF THIS WAS THE FIRST EPIC SONG I EVER HEARD AND KICKSTARTED A GREEK MYTHOLOGY PHASE THAT MY FAMILY WILL NEVER FORGIVE JORGE FOR. apollos part was so short tho 😔 sigh…

28. just a man—I LIKE IT I JUST NEVER REMEMBER IT AGHHHHH I LOVE IT THO I SWEAR I SWEAR I SWEAR

29. we’ll be fine—OMFGOMFGOMFG unfortunately it is right before….yeaaaa

30. love in paradise—OH EWEWEWEWEWEW i would like this a lot more if people didnt act like calypso deserved to feel happiness or joy or pleasure or even life? idn where this unbridled hatred for her comes from i dont feel this way about way worse characters BUT I WANT EVERY DEATH IN THE ILIAD DONE TO CALYPSO FIVE TIMES EACH CALYPSO WHEN I CATCH UR ASS—its not even about odysseus anymore ody get in the car mama has business to attend to WHEN IM NOT SORRY FOR LOVING U COMES OUT I WILL SHAKE MY HEAD IN DISAPPOINTMENT AND and gently and discreetly remove it from my epic playlist :3 i block everyone i see who talks positively about her genuinely she ruins my day. i know shes not real but still the concept of her makes me physically shake in anger sometimes in the middle of my perfectly normal day SHE SUCKS I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER SO FUCKING MUCH dont ask me why i dont know why but just just put me in a room with her and every weapon ever ever made that would be wish fulfillment for me

saga rating is ocean, thunder, cyclops, troy, underworld, circe, wisdom (and depending on how im not sorry for loving u goes justr know vengeance is going in eighth)

anyways uhm im a little manic this week but i hope i didnt make u hate me TOO much with this i am aware that my taste in everything is bad my favorite food is plain butterless angel hair noodles ans my favorite drink is water, my favorite color is green, my favorite animal is probably frogs bc most animals give me the heebie jeebies, and my favorite book is frankenstein thanks for being here i love u :3

[jvuhn]

Baby shower

Offered ride home - kiss on your cheeks

2 days after

Jvan are you up? Help me.

1 month car hunting

Ill go to you ill pick you up - no pick me up at starbucks mindanao at this time

Fortuner bulacan scam

Fortuner quezon city

Fortuner las pinas

Fortuner autocamp

Masil charcoal grill - your treat cause whole day with you

May 19, 2024 - Do you want to make out - i thought youd never ask

Skyway lightning with dog to ate baby doggie

Altis windshield crack - i have shop to do that

Mingyu svt karat

Pacute selfie

The ex effect

Eye rolls - baby eye rolls

Dog trainer

Jog at filinvest with sila con

Dropped by the house 1st time you driving to my place after i showed you

Vape run

Ootds for me

Bantayan island

Bantayan island accident

May 26, 2024 - raining, after your jog, vape, altis - youre different

Hair color

Vornado

Japan

Try 711 food its very good

Selfie connect the dots

Selfie before make up going to your barkadas house near you

What are you wearing? Can i see

Download strava and open it when you go out

Samba shopping

Lays truffle

Condo errands

Naks naka burbery shirt

Shuuuubawuuuu everywhere

Replica - bubble bath - your perfume for dates

Wala na akong pwet

Disneyland - i want to go to disney sea

What do you think about this interior - so minimalist walang sayang sa space - but i dont like it

Forgot my wallet ~~ taaaadaaan

Xv of your friend

Tokyo sky - core memory helipad

Condo checking

Tambay at your barkadas house

Altis gtx pro front - west ave

Gts car care plaza

Navy guy msgd you "bahay ka lang?"

Client stress

Sales invoice day

Pokemon day - i choose you ill catch you with my master ball

What is master ball? Google it.

Tokyo sky pictures when you went to tokyo

When you get back

Where to get leather seats for altis

Montero las pinas

Autonexus

Test drive - montero

Hi tita kamusta? May tinignan po kaming montero its nice

Lexus video with a rare pokemon

I dont know what to do without you

Lolo - crying in car

Magnolia

Uniqlo - run clothes for you and clothes for me

Kissy selfie peace angry and eye roll selfie in 1

Condo parking stress

Charger - aa usb - dashcam - led fog and high for altis

Ootd pictures

Look what i got obd2 screen

June 10 - montero - try mo ung remote start

Makakasakay ba ako dyan sa montero mo?

Rfid slex

Condo checking with me

Cereal polvoron

Oaktop for light dinner

Navy guy - nabastusan ako

Foreman - kausapin ka ng boyfriend ko

Subic called you

The afterpolish inquiry

Blessing the montero

Condo furniture shopping

Decided to glass coating - pick me up

Zix with you

Lays hoarding

The ordinary

Coating booster

Condo tv bracket

Pass sa lowkey

Client - nice love it - proud of you

Condo pictures

Clients home

Rfid nlex

Navy still msging

Spider

Vape and mcdo before going to ethan you look so beautiful

You going to quezon

Super dark

Weak signal

Never again going to quezon

Villa escudero

Dinner party with the koreans - why do you look so good but when youre with me...

Altis problems

Altis foglights - so bright

Mama - bakit yellow yan patayin mo yan

Run with john at up

Mcdo treat

Tris and bf - i dont like him for her - ill always listen to your rants and will never get tired

Ganda nung t2

Tadeo - ive always wanted to try this - always flexing

Oil for altis

Escobars

Harley

Teddy

Misty

Polo

Billie

Jurassic world terror evolves

S&r card for discount

Booster r pro tutorial

Ano ginagawa mo? Bat ka nagpapagas anong oras na? Need ko magpagas wala ng gas..

Cooking for the babies

You going to gab to have the tire checked

You passing by the house

House quick tour - aki

Altis interior cleaning

Canvass for montero tires

Jisulife for my taiwan trip

Jisu unboxing

You getting angry and lashing it out on me - after this you dont talk to me as regular as before not much selfies even not comforting me when im ranting about stuffs. It seems like youre not interested with me anymore.

Bia

Have you eaten? Not yet hold on - ate your cooked food - always loved what you cook

Deadpool and wolverine a day after i come back to ph

Mommys day and maxies day

Family trip no signal still updating you

Manipedi-food spa - yuan spa

Youre still following her yeah just follow shes on mute

I want a baby

This day the H

End of july aug sept oct not that good days...

Samahan moko sa cavite may kukunin lang ako then off to evia to eat then ice cream then you home.

Samahan moko clark. Waitied for an hour but its okay. Omni. Korean fil food. Moon cafe. You talking to ate for hours. Traffic going home. You wanted to go to lakeshore i want to take you somewhere in clark you would love it.

Samahan moko to batangas. Make hatid your ate. Mahiya ka naman kay jvan. No its okay ill pick you up we need to leave at this time. Qc-las pinas-batangas-prism-red doorz-araneta-home neyo day tiring day but so worth it.

Baguio strawberry treats.

Appreciate the thought but i cant accept this. Unfollow everywhere. Remember the podcast. Its different when you unfollow

I wanted us to last this time i want you to be the one that ill bend my knee to. I really do. Its been a month and im still thinking of you what are you doing hows your day and all.

Are we really done? Ill never hate you i always have a trauma towards you but Ill always always love you. Even with our history past present. You dont have to doubt me just stay with me.

I wont say goodbye.

[fictionfixations]

spoiler alert: i get SO off topic talking about other stuff. (if you cant tell i like talking. or well expressing my thoughts. anyway its 2 am i can use the excuse of impulse actions from lack of sleep)

i dont even know why im trying when obviously the next update is going to require even more storage and im going to have to drop it (its like 50 gb in actuality but it needs double to like. open it and do SHIt. i dont know this stuff man)

ahghgusihdfiufh (it was worse. ive. deleted a bunch of stuff that i dont play as much.

only games left are Star Rail (which im not dropping. ive poured so much time genuinely invested in story and characters idk what im gonna do when i run out of space to play. maybe cry.), Roblox (i genuinely dont know how much storage its taken, and I don't play it that much but LISTEn it fills a lot of game cravings that i cant play the source cause holy shit my storage.), Osu (the only game i can play without wifi.)

i wanna play the other games on mobile (i used to play star rail on mobile ngl LMFAO then realized 'hey this is fun' and moved to pc after genshin got too big. or maybe i had both at the same time i cant remember now ghreuigh) but uhm. the farthest i get in wuwa on mobile is like the opening loading screen before we see the rovers (it just stops there. even the music stops i think?? ive left it on and did other stuff but nothing happened and its either it wants me to wait super long, or theres just no hope) i did the tutorial for solo leveling arise on mobile but then trying to do literally anything else (like trying to access the menu) kicks me out of the game so then i had to move to pc. genuinely scary game first time around it shut down my pc, and even at lowest graphics kept warning me that 'for smoother gameplay you should have lower graphics' or something so fan on all the time (i have a fan pointed directly at my laptop.) and honestly. im not even that big of a fan of solo leveling why am i here (meilin fisher that is why. anyway i got her. so. shes not even an actual character outside the game??) ive literally only seen the anime and i forgot most of it😭

zzz on my phone is just black screen. it kicks me out. the farthest ive gotten is it asking if i want notifications but it still kicks me out

identity v i cant even download everything i think, i just have it to log in for pc. but uhm. i guess i cant anymore? but also i cant remember if i can still log in through other methods so uh its staying on mobile (to be fair i only got super into it cause of danganronpa collab so)

oh i found whatever it was that was taking 2 gb on desktop LMFAO

no wonder i was so confused on wtf it was

anyway. um. this is very much a shame. cause. i only get so invested in stories in games because im actually playing them. otherwise i cant guarantee im fully focused cause i get distracted so easily. um.

now about mobile storage and everything

uh. i have an iphone 6 pro. no idea if thats bad or not but uh. probably not that great. ? ? idk man idk how it compares to newer phones i want to get a new phone (at least for all the games i cant play on that phone) but then i got an iphone case cause my former one was actually cracked so... its staying (from the zzz website)

so its probably the phone in all honesty thats the issue (people were talking about who they wanted to play when starting the game and i got myself all hyped over ellen so. d'aww.)

and in the case its actually storage.. uh. tough luck. nu carnival is. a gacha game. and i got the character i wanted there, but its more convenient to go through like daily kinda stuff. ..also confession time if yk the difference uh. listen it was a hassle downloading it im not gonna delete it then have to reteach myself how tf to download it again because oh my god

twisted wonderland (aka disney tw LOL) is my OTHER fixation besides star rail. ive gone through all the story (including JP which i dont have cause i cant read it but fan translations for the win) + most event stories (i havent gone through anniversaries, new year sale 2024 JP, and like i think theres a crewel one rn..? or thats just the new card., tapis rouge, playful land, thats it). i love this game. so much.

if i told you ibis paint x used to take i think like so much more space because it still had the stuff since the VERY beginning... anyway idk what to use it for now but if i ever need to edit something...

kinemaster ^

i kinda already talked about identity v

bang dream. i LOVE rhythm games. and pretty designs. and vocaloid. and japanese songs.

in all honesty i lose interest in things so fast and drop them. then i get interested in other things, etc etc. and then i get back to a fixation on, say, rhythm games and wanting to play them a lot. then i can get bored and get interested in like. idk. life simulation(?) games like sims 4. or minecraft specifically the wynncraft server (which is like a fantasy thing..)

which is kind of why i have a bunch of stuff that i dont play often still because one day im gonna want to play it and then go back.

for laptop i just got rid of the games i wasnt interested in playing at the moment so. yeah

anyway if you cant tell i like talking about stuff. and justifying stuff (well its more like it started because i was worried to be judged. ive never been judged over what i like?? only like. once or twice?? that i can recall? but at one point i just started getting in the habit of justifying beforehand for everything after seeing the internet with their pitchforks directed at so many people so. yee.)

off topic. ive checked in on tiktok sometimes. and i just wanna say. how often is it that y'all get comments on old posts that are just variations of 'reminder' or 'remember this' ?? LISTEn the amount of comments that just say "reminder" and THATS IT (bro someone commented 'reminder' TWO times on the SAME post like DAMN. i mean they commented on someone else's comment on that post too with 'reminder' so probably trying to bother someone else but like wHY)

like. i mean. ive posted cringey shit hasnt everyone but it kinda feels like they're trying to shame people? like 'haha remember your past?'

maybe im sensitive. i mean. if this was past me i wouldve probably taken it to heart since yknow its still a work i created, but honestly now its just kinda funny

but idk if anyone else is being bothered by this (i mean. people generally go through old posts and delete ones they dont like right? i kinda dont do that so i mean. maybe yall are better off for that)

just wondering.

[savnofilter]

TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

[damejanai]

Dameraji

2020.09.16

S:Probably, when this episode goes on air, it won't be the case anymore but

K: Uh huh

S: But recently, I've had quite many spiritual experiences recently

K: Oh i was scared right there

S: ?

K: I thought you were quitting or something

S: No no no no, why would i do something like that?

K: That scared me, thought you were going to say, 'when this goes on air, i won't be here anymore'

S: Hhahahaha that blew up

K: I was so shocked

S: That's funny, but you know, I often say I see feathers, right? I still see them now and then, but recently, I'm not kidding, crickets keep coming to me. When i'm watching TV at night... well I'm not watching TV but

K: What are you talking about?

S: You know like, my TV is like...that...

K: You are just watching the screen

S: Ah yesyes, that's scary! It's like I'm a psychopath or something!

K: So Soma san you were just watching screen when..

S: When I watch movies at night, there would be the tapping sound on my window, there would be nothing, and after a while i would hear it again.

K: Uh huh

S: And when i open the window, the crickets would be like, 'Let me in!'

K: That's so dramatic

S: I think there is a huge tree near my window, and so there would be tons of them there growing.

K: Ahhh, they would fall nicely at a 45 degree angle

S: And it's easy for them to come in but not go out. I realised that recently, they are not really coming anymore. I was wondering why, and it has been hot recently, so I've not been going into the veranda much. When I went out, I realised that the tree, wasnt there

K: Ehhhhh!??

S: It was totally trimmed, I guess there were tons of complaints coming from other residents about crickets coming into their houses too

K: Would they trim it because of complaints?!

S: It has a very clean haircut now.

K: I don't know if I should probe into it this much but is that tree within the estate?

S: Yes yes , it is, so it comes under their management. And actually I dont miss them at all and, i feel lucky in fact

K: And also it's nothing spiritual at all, just that the bugs are gone

S: Ahahahahaa

----

~About year end times and visiting their parents'~

S: It's hard for me to move around, like my hometown is in Yamanashi

K: Actually my parents home was in tokyo but they have moved to kanagawa actually, so they're like telling me, not to come back

S: Ahahahaa

K: And they got a cat, when I'm allergic to cats. And also since they're in Kanagawa, they might have some resistance to come to Tokyo. So, I can't go back!

S: Are you in contact with them?

K: Ahhh well yes

S: So that was when they told you that, they were getting a cat and stuff, and therefore

K: Telling me not to come back

S: I don't think that's what they think wwww

It's a tough time huh

K: Yes it's a tough family situation

S: Ahahahaaa what's that

K: Why are they going further away though...

S: I actually talked on the phone for 2 hours with my parents, after a long time, they seemed really happy i think. After that I think i heard from my sister that my parents told her about how i called them

K: Ahh

S: I'm usually the kind that doesnt contact people. So i guess this situation sort of makes us try to keep in contact. So not all's bad

K: I see, when i go back home, I'm like doing a radio show alone for 2 hours

S: Ahahahaaha

K: When i go home, I talk non stop, for like 1 hour and we laugh and laugh and then I'll be, 'Okay, I'm off'

S: Ahahahaa you're providing them one slot of entertainment

K: I'd be like, 'wasn't it fun?' , 'bye bye'

S: Does your style of talking take after any of your family members?

K: Nope

S: Ah

K: Totally no one. I'm the only one who talks this much

S: Ah, so they're rather quiet, all of them

K: My dad would talk when he's excited but is usually the listener. I don't really understand what my mum says at all

S: wwwww what does that mean?

K: Maybe we're similar?

S: Ahahahhaa

K: My younger sister doesn't ever come out of her room

S: Stop that

K: My elder brother keeps bullying others

S: wwwwww ok but

K: Maybe it's a hybrid, I'm all of those things at times

S: Well but you're nice on the inside

K: Yes I am! So is my family! Hahahaha

S: Haahahha

~~

Q. There are not many events nowadays but it seems like there are many recordings and filmings these days?

K: No?

S: wwwww well in general for voice actors, probably all the recordings that were halted have resumed  maybe

K: By recording, what kind of recording do you mean?

S: wwwww what do you mean by what kind?

K: Well there's after recording

S: Ah ah ah, Ok then count it in

K: Ah, okat then Yes, it has increased

S: Ahahahaa

K: Yes, it's great. I don't really have recording for like songs

S: I think ive gotten more reading jobs nowadays, and I've always said i liked reading, but i had one where i had to read out everything myself, it was, really difficult

K: I guess you have to create and ups and downs right, that's tough right

S: And i think, it's not too good if you create too many ups and downs

K: Ahhh, it's difficult to decide when to hold back

S: Yesyesyes. And usually i would read books for leisure and books for work differently.

K: I see

S: And recently I end up thinking a lot when reading, like how should I make it more interesting

K: Ahhh that doesn't sound fun

S: Totally

K: When I have fun doing YouTube, versus when I use some editing methods because I feel it's good for my videos

S: And it goes on for hours, well it happens for radio as well, like 3-4 hours, to be immersed in one story for rhat long, we don't have it that much

K: Uh huh

S: Like... i want to improve my concentrating ability

K: Ahhh that...

S: Well....Kaito kun are there any types of jobs that you have more now

K: Not really... anything... it has been the same

S: So it has really gotten back to normal

K: Yes. I think I've had more free talk sort of gigs now

S: wwwwww

K: So, what do they see me as?

S: Well but you know you are able to do freetalk for 2 hours at your parent's house

K: No no no but well the freetalk at do at my parent's house goes like, 'this and this happened at work, haha, my partner for radio is this sort of person, he's really irritating

S: Wait wait, stop stop, can i rewind?

K: Ok ok ok, so like what i say at my parent's house goes like, 'my partner for radio is really irritating' something like that

S: wwwwwww

K: Hahahaha, just a little

S: You simplified it huh, from just now

K: I don't even remember what i said

S: But Kaito kun is someone who can just talk about something interesting when the time needs to be dragged a little

K: Really?

S: Isn't that so?

K: Freetalk is like... if there's nothing interesting that happened in your daily life, there's nothing to talk about so

S: Yes, that's true

K: So, i only say what comes to mind at that point

S: Yeah yeah

K: So, sometimes i read comments like, 'Kaito kun said this and this some time ago but now he's saying this and this'

S: Uh huh

K: But what i say is different at different times. So, recently I felt the need to accumulate things to talk about

S: Yes, that's also what you thought of due to this increase in free talk related gigs

K: Yes yes

S: And so you're actually

K: I wanted to note down stuff so, use my secret twitter account that I use for ego searching

S: Wait wait, why, why? Just use a notebook or something

K: Well but, I feel like tweeting them

S: Ahahahhaaa I don't get it! Your ego searching account

K: It has 0 followers, is unlocked, and has no interaction with anyone

S: I see I see

K: And I would tweet photos of my animal crossing game for my own keepsake

S: Ahahahaha huh? That's kinda scary

K: So I'm using it in place of a notebook now. My recent note was 'Human nails degenerate too fast, don't they?' They break all the time and it's painful and bloody', and I don't even remember what that was about

S: Oh my god

K: Scary right?

S: Totally scary, Posting animal crossing photos and leading to this is also scary. What's that about human nails?!

K: The fact that it's scary... already becomes a topic

S: I see I see, you noting down things and don't remember anything about it

K: And the fact that the first tweet was something really scary

S: Ahahahhaahaa

K: Hahahaa

S: But it's an account you would like to keep lowkey

K: If it gets circulated due to a bug or something that would be real bad

S: Please be careful!

~ Dame raji photo studio ~

Topic: Please express your favourite 4 word idiom with your body as much as you can 

[DOWNLOAD]

Please download from this link:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Yp5Xdwi4_z03jPajH9BEbL7R02brXk8P?usp=sharing

[dirt-cup-draco]

Logan Howlett Headcanons

For when you get kidnapped

It was supposed to be a simple mission, it was just you and rogue and nightcrawler

Easy peasy and all of you were doing your best but it was fair to say you had your guard down

Bad guys had been taken care of and you were all certain this was going to be the easiest mission youd done yet

You split up to save time, believing everyone against you had been taken care of

Youd been bent over the computer desk, quickly downloading some files onto a flashdrive for charles when something cold clamped around your neck

You spun around, your hands in front of you, but your powers were shut down by the collar

You alerted rogue and kurt and told them to get the hell out of there before they got caught too, you'd be damned if this mission was a complete bust

Your earpiece was broken soon after but luckily you heard a guard reporting your friends had fled

"What have you got to smile about sweetheart?" Said someone, irritated. You were going to snap back but then you felt electricity piercing through your side and you screamed out as you dropped to the ground unconscious.

"Wheres Y/N?" Charles had asked Rogue as she hung her head low. Kurt fiddled on his feet and recounted the details of what had happened.

Logan had been right outside the door and had heard everything. He barged through, hands going to kurts shirt, slamming him against the wall before he had time to register what was going on

"How many times do i have to say it? We dont leave x-men behind" hed roared

That night he hadnt slept. Hed gone walking, got into a fight and let the ither guy land slme punches just so he could focus on how that stung for a second instead of the fear coursing through him. Where were you? He wondered.

It took months for Charles to lock down your location. Well, 3 months 11 days and 17 hours since rogue and kurt had gotten back, without you. Not that logan hsd been counting bitterly or anything.

He was the first one on the blackbird, he should have been there to protect you, he wouldnt fail again

You were weak, confined in a dirty dark cell. Youd lost track of time, no windows to distinguish night from day. The collar remained around your neck and hed begun to chafe at the skin awhile ago. Youd been beaten for a while. Theyd come in, whoever they were and theyd kick the shit out of you until you didnt have the strength to answer their questions.

Meals had gone from three times a day to sporadically, you never knew when youd get water or food. Your skin stretched tight across your bones. Youd lost a lot of weight. You barely had the energy to lift your head as you lay on your filthy mattress.

You heard a tray slide across the floor and you fell, too weak to stand as you made your way to the water bottle and roll that had been given to you.

You heard a commotion and fear constricted your heart as you abandoned your food. Crawling to the corner of the cell you closed your eyes tight and waited.

You heard your cell door open and you put your arms over your head in protection as you shook

"Please dont not today ive been good please leave me alone please" you begged with a raspy voice

"Kid its me," your head snapped up and you burst into tears

Logan was there and murder was in his eyes., a trail of bodies behind him, his gaze softened though when he saw you so fragile, so scared, so broken

He gathered you up in his arms with no effort, your uniform was dirty and tattered and hung on your nearly skeletal frame where it had hugged you nicely before

"They cant get to you anymore bub" logan promised, lips brushing against your temple ss you pleaded with him to get you out of there as if he was just going to lock you back up

He had a hard time controlling his anger yet you went limp in his arms, having no energy to stay conscious and all his fight left him for the moment

He hadnt realized it until hed lost you months ago that you were far more than a teammate to him

You. were his main priority

Logan stayed by your side as you lay in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV the needle practically tearing through your skin like paper

Logan kissed your knuckles

"Ill never let this happen again kid. You have my word, id rather die than let anyone ever touch you again" he swore

Your hand lifted from the sheets and landed in his hair

"So dramatic" you teased softly

Logan had thought you were asleep

"Logan?" You asked, your eyes now on his

"Yes?" Hed asked. Scooting his chair closer to hang on your every word hed do anything you wanted

"Thank you for saving me, i know you wont let it happen again, and dont go too hard on rogue and kurt i told them to leave me"

"Ill save you any time you need it bub," hed said, boldly grabbing your hand and kissing your palm

"And logan?"

He hummed in response, too focused on your small hand in his

"I care about you too" you said knowingly, the first smile youd been able to conjure in a while gracing your features

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 17

umm idk what all got asked... s4s skin, castools, uploading sims, updating hairs, some compliments (thank you). oh and coupure electrique (my 2nd hair) makes a comeback; does anyone have pokemon sword and are willing to trade me some exclusives (i have shield)

Anonymous said: Hey, I just downloaded your Allison hair and it looks lovely! Just wanted to let you know that it is tagged as short hair, and not tagged for cold and hot weather, just in case you wanted to fix that.

hey! that hair came out before Seasons so anything pre June 2018 isn’t gonna be tagged there. I am going to update all the hairs I want to update (Allison is one of them) over my Christmas break so I will update it then and fix the tags + some small issues with the hair (edge splitting, specular) :)

@simmerapple​ said:💜💮🌷🌸✨This is the Amazing Person Award! Once you are given this award you are supposed to paste it in the ask of eight different people, who, in your opinion, deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it is sweet to know someone thinks you’re amazing inside and out ✨🌸🌷💮💜

thank you <3 

Anonymous said: Hiya gorgeous! Wanna start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE your hairs, I have like every single one installed in my game. I love your shorter version of the long University hair and want to download it, however, I don’t want to override the EA one. Is this something I could change for myself in sims 4 studio so that it won’t override? If so, would you be willing to share quick instructions? Totally understand if it’s a no though! Keep making your beautiful work! ❤️

Anonymous said: do u plan on releasing a standalone version of your university waves hair replacement?? :0

Anonymous said: Can you make a non default replacement as well for your Universuty hair too? Have a nice day

Anonymous said: can you make that default hair replacement for discover universty non default?

Anonymous said: so that replacement hair would be an override of the one with university? is there any way we could have it as a stand-alone item?

Anonymous said: Is your university hair a default replacement? It’s super cute, but i like the original hair too and don’t wanna replace it completely. thanks in advance 

i need to get around to doing it sdcfgvhb I am just so lazy. I will try and do it this week while I am on thanksgiving break and have extra time

Anonymous said: hi i hope you're doing well! i'm so sorry if this is a dumb question but how do you access the meshes so fast? can't wait to get my hands on your new hairstyles, they're very pretty!!

CASTools :) I have it linked on my resource page. If you need help learning how to do it feel free to DM me on discord. I have helped numerous creators learn how to use it lmao

Anonymous said: you honestly outdo yourself every time. thanks for spending you time to give us such amazing cc ❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️  Anonymous said: Your CC just keeps on getting better and better!! I fall in love with every single one!!! 

thank you so much <3

Anonymous said: It’s funny how you seem to be using dogsills hairs lately lmao. He probably forced you to get clout lmao

hjdfkshkdjf how would he force me to use them 💀💀 I just don’t have many hairs in my game besides my own so there aren’t many to pick from

@whocouldchuckwood​ said: I honestly cannot wait for you to release the WIP's that you showed on stream. The longish wavy hair tucked behind one ear, and that bun/ponytail with the bangs in front are just...*chefs kiss* Everything you do is stunning though. Ive never downloaded something from you and not liked it. Thank you so much for all that you do for this community. You're unbelievably talented. XO

thank youuu, lmao the long wavy behind the ears will be coming in december

Anonymous said: Could you maybe set a date when to upload your sims so you can tell us when. Just a request, it would be helpful if you could answer. Not trying to rush you.  Anonymous said: One more thing, did you change the bone structure from when they were first uploaded. Are Joella Blount and Jada Burke the same person but with different eyebrows?

I am wanting to by 2019 I just have so much to do fgvhbjn plus I change them around a lot so we will see what happens. I actually made a post for Jada that is in my drafts but I hate it now

yes their bone structure is a lot different now

I honestly don’t remember. I know my red headed model is my Claire sim upload I just changed her around a bit. 

Anonymous said: why did you make the pigtails style, the p**nstar pigtails. i was going to be a patreon but not for that freak crap, yuck

well I didn’t think they looked like that and I didn’t preview them as that ever so... chill

Anonymous said: Would you ever consider making a tutorial? Maybe for patrons?

I am so bad at explaining stuff and I have wanted to do a blender basics tutorial for hair but there is just so much and i am not sure anymore. You are free to DM me any questions though. 

@everythingmysass​ said: Ugh Austin thank you king for the hairs they’re literally the only ones I allow my sims to use (esp the crystal hair bc it’s hard to find cute curly textured hairs) keep up the AMAZING work!!

<3 <3 I am glad you like Crystal lmao I rarely see anyone using that hair. Thank you!!

Anonymous said: Hi I love your sims 4 studio model it's so pretty I was wondering if you would ever consider uploading it if not it's fine I just thought I would ask

I think I have uploaded it in the comments of one of my youtube videos LMAO let me see if she is on SFS; ok she wasn’t but I uploaded her. You just put this file in your Sims 4 Studio Mods folder and reopen S4S. link

@squishybuttercup​ said: You dont have to answer this or anything. I just want to share that when I first switched to mm hairs my first thought was “I could start with AH00B’s hairs theyre good” and well no regrets!! Just an appreciation on how you encouraged me to develop my sim style and start to discover other amazing cc creators such as you💕 HAVE A LOVELY DAY!!

omg :( thank youu for thinking of me first lmao. my stuff is really simple compared to other stuff creators come up with. This is a late reply but have an amazing day as well 

Anonymous said: Hey I love watching your twitch streams but I hear you sometimes chewing on your gum in the background and I have something called misophonia. I get really anxious and irritated when hearing people chew,nail biting,live singing,couching and so many other things. It’s something I have deal with all my life. Sometimes I really hate myself because of it.

fghjbnk this is late too but I am sorry you had to deal with that. I saw this and didn’t even remember chewing gum but i made sure not to do it on my streams after it. Sorry again <3 and don’t hate yourself bc of something like that. It it just who u are

Anonymous said: You're just cranking out theses awesome meshes. Keep up the great work!

LMAO i did so much the past few months cfgvhbn I am gonna chill in December and January i think. I did 5 hairs in june, 7 in July + some of the AxA clothing, 5 in September, 5 in October + ADA clothes, and then this month i did 5 hairs again tfgvhbjn i honestly don’t know how i managed to keep decent grades in school but so far so good :) finals in like 2 weeks and it looks promising (i hope fgvhbjn)

Anonymous said: Hey! I absolutely ADORE all of your hairs - you're my absolutely favorite CC hair creator of all. I wanted to ask if you will ever update your Coupure Electrique hair to be hat compatible? (It's my favorite hair of yours!) On another note, would it be possible to ever have a version of the Kira hair without the buns? Thank you so much for your time, have an amazing day!!

my coupure electrique hair is being replaced by Karley LMAO. look at them... ian saw the karley hair when I was making it and was like “didnt you already make that?” and he was talking about coupure electrique and like.. yup. Karley is much much much much better though

Anonymous said: This is going to be a really strange question xD. I really love how you use that google doc item index for your collabs... is there anyway you could do a small tutorial on how to do that?

I can next time I make one lmao, spring break maybe not sure don’t quote me

Anonymous said: Omg another pack!? You’re pumping them out like hot cakes, i like it.

yes

[zaptap]

heres my full thoughts on the nintendo direct since ive only posted reactions mostly

splatoon 3 having salmon run is kind of confusing due to the story (the story mode definitely seems ANTI salmon run and grizz). not sure how that works but ok. it’s my favorite mode from splatoon 2 so i have no complaints in terms of gameplay. wish they showed more of the game though. definitely getting a splatoon 3 direct later. also i called the release window. may was splatoon 1, june was octo expansion, july was splatoon 2... maybe august is splatoon 3?

never played wii sports (i dont even think i tried the demo they automatically downloaded onto everyones wii u’s) so i dont really have an opinion about switch sports. im relieved whenever i see new games i dont care about at this point

ive wanted mario kart 8 deluxe dlc for years but that was mainly along the lines of bringing in new characters (such as octoling or pauline) than courses. theyd better add waluigi pinball though, ive wanted that since 2014

i love xenoblade, but the games are so huge and take so long to digest that lately i’d kind of been thinking that after i eventually finish xcx and eventually EVENTUALLY play and finish xc2 (and probably its dlc) then i might just leave it at that and pass on whatever comes later. but... xc3 looks really good. like really really good. looking forward to playing it hopefully within the next decade

in august 2011 i visited my cousins and they introduced me to portal (and minecraft and atla incidentally). i played it for a bit but struggled with one of the early puzzles, even when they told me what i had to do. im better at video games now so maybe i could try it again once it hits switch? idk

kirby’s mouthful mode just makes me concerned for his health tbh. why are things getting stuck in his mouth? i need to play the game so i can take him to see a doctor

im glad theyve finally added the only nes game i care about and one of the few snes games i care about to the switch. got too many games i havent played before to play instead though. and as ive said i dont think i care if they localize mother 3 anymore, for one thing they should change “ma***sies” to something that doesnt include a slur and i dont think most people would even realize it needs to be changed currently so i dont see nintendo doing anything about it unless that changes

as ive said, metroid dread easy mode wouldve been nice before id cheated my way through. also i dont even know if it wouldve helped since it specifies boss damage and not overall damage. and that doesnt even cover the issues dealing with emmi (being able to cheat to autocounter made those sections much less stressful)

fire emblem warriors is another game im relieved to not have to care about! something weird i’ve noticed about warriors games is i’ll play them and they’ll be fun and then suddenly i dont want to play them at all. happened with hyrule warriors on wii u and then again on age of calamity. i wouldnt really call it getting burned out, feels different. happened in the postgame both times, so maybe the postgame gameplay just isnt as rewarding to me? idk. anyway i cant even begin to care about three hopes as i’m still working through my first route of three houses after 2 years. hate the calendar. you give me control over the passage of time and expect me to move it forward at a reasonable rate? this was your mistake. i’ll spend 2 hours figuring out how to best use the month i’m on and when i get to the next month and have to do it all over again i quit for a few more real life months. the battles are fun though

live a live sounds like it might be good but good luck getting me to play anything else new in 2022. maybe eventually though

weird how they released a version of kingdom hearts specifically “for cloud.” does he even have a switch? i havent played final fantasy vii

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[yeoldontknow]

41 & jongin please!! 💕💕

wuhhuhuhuhuh i literally ruined myself with this. enjoy ~duchess~

Author’s Note: this takes place in the Did You See universe after All Black Everything. not necessary to read both or either to get this, but they do fit nicely together

Prompt: 41: “Every time I see you, I fall in love with you all over again.” (part of the 600 followers drabble game)

Pairing: Kai x Reader (oc; female)

Summary: A series of text messages one year of after Jongin shows you how he really feels about you

Rating: PG-13

Warning: references to sex; explicit language

Word Count: 1,043 (i love you, get it)(im doing the most)

Nini[3:09 AM]: i know you’re probably asleepNini[3:10 AM]: i hope this doesn’t wake youNini[3:11 AM]: jet lag is keeping me up and i wish i was sleepingNini[3:12 AM]: i wish i was sleeping with youNini[3:13 AM]: the bed doesn’t feel the same without you

Nini[3:14 AM]: does it feel like that for you?Nini[3:15 AM]: the sun rose over the thames this morningNini[3:15 AM]: i could see it through the windowNini[3:17 AM]: im just gonna put everything in one long text ok? instead of all these tiny ones what a messNini[3:41 AM]: ok here goes

DOWNLOAD FORWARD

Nini[3:41 AM]: ok here goes

the sun rose over the thames this morning and the first thing i thought of was you. i know its my first time in london, that i should be appreciating my one day off in this city before i have to start working but it didnt really feel magical. tbh it felt hollow. idk if the sun can be hollow, in general or in science, but without you it is. i looked over to the bed, and thought about how much youd like the expensive sheets - did i tell you theyre egyptian cotton? dont know the thread count but they feel like silk and it makes me miss your skin. youd roll in them, i know you would, and tell me to lay there with you looking at the ceiling until i couldnt take it anymore and id just have to touch you. im always caving around you, like i have no resolve and like i dont know how to do anything at all except want you. anyway i imagined you in bed, with the sun and the river and my lukewarm coffee, all of it in my hands at once, all of you in my hands at once. i imagined your hair, all messy and wrapped around everything like its choking a pillow - and i envied our bed because it gets you every night and this is the first time in months im going without. The point is i thought of you and i missed you. its been less than 24 hours and being without you is painful. i hate it. i want to be here with you or home with you, literally anywhere with you fuck. it took me a long time to fall asleep after that, took maybe about two hours but by then there really wasnt a point. i dozed but still i thought of you. someone was laughing in the hallway - it didnt sound like you, but i imagined it was you in the hall anyway. you would echo around the hotel like you echo around me and somehow i know i could claim this place as ours, just because the sound of you laughing would bleed into the wallpaper. and if i was ever here without you again i could just press my ear to the wall and have you, that one small piece. theres mirrors in the elevators, the kind that make it look like the box goes on forever - nice, because it doesnt make you feel trapped. youd like it. knowing you, you’d put your hands all over it and ruin the illusion, but it wouldnt matter because youre real. i thought about this in the elevator too, ok. how your hand print would make me want to fuck you and smear all over the thing but mostly how you are real. youre the only thing thats ever made sense and even when you didnt know i wanted you and even when i was thinking about how i could make you mine, you were still the only thing that never wavered in the world like you were a fixed point in my history. so. i thought about you in the elevator and i thought about you at dawn and im thinking about you now. chanyeol recommended walking along the river to borough market but this early in the morning its runners and couples, and every time i see someone holding hands i want to come home. i want to come home and its killing me because i cant see you. even the time difference is awful. right now, you would send me a picture and tell me youre here and im seeing you, and i would know it would be ok. right now, i need that. i need it so bad. every time i see you, i fall in love with you all over again and right now i want to be falling, not here on the ground without you. like im on the pavement, run over by how completely i love you and you aren’t even here to see it.

i just realized ive never told you i love you. not explicitly and not in person. fuck. i fucked up.

i want to delete this but it took me so long to type it so im gonna send it, and pray to god that you read it and … fuck i dont know. you dont even have to say anything but i need you to know it. im in love with you. im so in love with you it hurts. im so in love with you i think my chest is tearing itself open just to find you. im so in love with you that london is ugly without you to make it into something worthwhile.

im in love with you.

im in love with you.

and you arent here to see it.

—————————————————————————————-

End Message

Y/N sent a photoY/N[8:09 AM]: im hereY/N[8:09 AM]: its going to be okY/N[8:10 AM]: i can’t sleep without youY/N[8:10 AM]: i love you tooY/N[8:11 AM]: ive never loved anyone but youNini wants to FaceTimeFaceTime Ended [9:30 AM]Nini[9:30 AM]: duchess why did you hang upNini[9:30 AM]: why are you cryingY/N[9:31 AM]: im justY/N[9:32 AM]: so glad i got to see

[numb-to-the-touch]

I felt like i just managed to understand who you were and what you felt a lot of the time.

So here goes;

You want to forget me. You do, you want to dump the memory of me and move on. You belive its weighing you down before youve tried to bare it.

You feel that I am or was a negative influence on you.

You feel that you took the biggest risks in the relationship.

You regret taking me back in 2018, given that you said it to my face.

You probably feel like breaking up with me was the best decision you ever made.

You probably thought about being single for a while and discovering yourself but realised that you cant or wont do it.

I know, whole heartedly, that you think no one has helped you in your life. Well in the past two years I did. I helped you find the courage to take the supervisor position at work, I let you have my dissertstion idea because you couldnt think of one, I helped you with your fleabag essay, I helped you download stuff and so much more. I did so much to help you and contributed to your success but I gaurantee you dont think that.

You probably blame it all on me and never what you or we both did, you may notice that many things stay the same because they are a part of you.

And I hope im wrong but I bet you think I dont or didnt care about you then. I bet you tricked yourself into thinking that I didnt care when I cared the most out of both of us.

I bet you dont speak of me highly or in a positive way. I bet you focus only on the negatives of the relationship. And i hope that makes you realise how YOUR mind works and how you make yourself feel.

You always jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst. You always thought too much and never felt.

Do you remember what one of the things I asked you to improve on when we sat on the seawall and made up? Empathy, I asked you to feel more but you never did. You stayed the same with no hint or notion of improvement or betterment. But I know for a fact that I improved, we both saw and acknowledged it.

It makes me so frustrated.

You put all your wants and desires onto me but never thought if it was too much.

And its taken me time to process. To think and feel as you would. I feel ive gotten pretty close.

Andie, I love you. I will never have nor will hold anything against you. A part of me hopes im wrong with the stuff I posted.

My emotions and my feelings are MINE. And they are here because I want it, I want you. I failed to keep you safe and happy. I failed to keep my promises to you. I failed myself and you at the same time.

I now understand what my lies felt like. Like a knife that does just as much damage coming out as it did going in. And I never want to see the same face I saw on you January 3rd ever again.

I felt too much and never thought. I hate conflict and arguing so avoided it and by avoiding it, it only made things worse. I always tried to read you instead of ask how you feel or what youre thinking. Because I was scared. You broke up with me once before and woulsnt hesitate to do it again. And I lied because I had insecurities about my self esteem. I never felt good enough especially when you seemed bored of talking to me. But again i felt you were bored of me, you probably werent but I jumped to conclusions and I suffered too.

Ive learnt so much from you and during these hellsih 5 months. Ive seen a psychotherapist weekly, ive thrown out and uninstalled games that incite my toxicity. I havent yelled or cussed or spoke negatively about another player in 2 months. I dont lie anymore I tell the truth even when it may hurt someone, especially if it may hurt someone. Ive journaled all my thoughts and feelings, the good the bad and the ugly. Ive wrote down all my successes no matter how small and insignificant and im able to appreciate me. And ive also conquered my fear of the world.

And after all that. My for you burns birghter and longer. Ive never wanted to get up and go so much in my life before. The memories are happier and sweeter and when I flick through the photo album I made you I can smile and I feel like im there, reliving all those memories.

But the one fear, one flaw still persists. And thats us. Im scared that I may never get to see you again, or hold you again. Ill never get to kiss your lips or your head before I leave. The thought of not being able to do that is terrifying.

I risk so much posting this. Because you could see this, you could see the other negative messages on here and vow never to want to see me or hear me ever again. But I hope you see the positive ones outweigh the negatives so greatly. I hope you see and appreciate the diamonds instead of fixate on the coal. I need to take the risk. Its a leap of faith.

It was the home stretch. If we had made it through thr next 5 months I truly belive we wouldve been together for ever. No more uni, no masses of stress just us. Doing what we love with who we love. I wish we got to see it.

[maggiesarchives]

Aight bet!!!

I present to you, a timeline of mags falling in love with her friend from elementary school.

The first time she really talked to me was in 4th grade when I was sitting alone at recess bc I only had one friend and she was sick so I was being an Angsty 10yr old w/ my stories about a girl named anya whose parents had abandoned her lmao and she was just really nice to me!! She very kindly made me get up and come play with her and a few of her friends, and I actually had a lot of fun!

Fast forward like half a year, we do All County Chorus together. I switch spots with her in the height line to I can stand next to my (at the time) best/only "friend." Im gonna be honest, I really regret that because the girl I thought was my Best Friend is someone I dont even speak to anymore, and who would be apalled if she knew I was bi. I really wish I had spent more time developing a friendship with Kayla in the early years of knowing her, cause maybe then we'd be closer now than we are.

Now, fast forward again to spring of 6th grade when I am the kid transferring into chorus halfway through the year. Kayla was super nice to me, taking the time to explain how things worked in that class when the teacher and older kids wouldn't. That concert I stood next to her :')

When we started 7th grade, we were super excited to find out we had all of our classes together, with the exception of Band, which I was taking and she was not. We became suoer close, all we ever did was talk about Hamilton and Percy Jackson, and we helped each other with our homework! She was so sweet, and I remember that j loved to boop her nose bc it was squishy and cute. Idk how to explain it, but she was like, my biggest supporter even tho I didnt consider her my Best Friend. We wrote a lot of PJO fanfic together :D

Now to eighth grade, which is (sadly) towards the end of my friendship with her :( We only had one class together (chorus, where she would cover for me while I read newsies and DEH fanfics) but I would meet up with her and a few other friends every morning in the library to "work on schoolwork" aka: me and like four friends writing a bigass self insert pjo/hoo fanfic, and in the afternoons in the gym as we waited to be picked up. She refused to swear, but talked about getting us matching bracelets that said "baddest bitches" except she would say "baddest female dogs"which was unfairly adorable. This was around the time I was having my sexuality awakening, and this is when I developed the crush. The sweetest thing she ever did for me was when we were doing middle school All County Chorus and the fic that I had loaded on my iPod disappeared, and she just took it from me, connected me to her hotspot, and let me download a couple fics to read :D

Sadly, at the end of eighth grade I had to transfer to a different high school. Ive seen her exactly three times since then:

In october 2018 when I went to the hoco game of the school we were supposed to go to (turns out she had also transferred to a different school)

In February 2019 when she came to see me in a local production of Newsies

In March 2019 when I went to her Quinceñara

And honestly I just miss her a lot. She's really cute and funny and an overall great person to be around

I MISS THIS GIRL I USED TO HAVE THE HUGEST CRUGH ON HHHHSHHDHSJSHHSJS WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME RANT ABT HER

[manetsgarden]

Alternate Title: Be Still My Foolish Heart? (Anything to drag Hozier into my chats) 

I’m not talking about unrequited love, I’m talking about how we create crushes on people we don’t *really* have an actual interest in. You might think you don’t do this, but I promise you know someone who does. People far and wide that I’ve talked to do this thing where we fixate on someone we know we can’t have. We harbour these little (or big) crushes on people who are long since gone, maybe they live in another city, maybe they’re in a relationship. Regardless, we’re only interested because they’re off limits. We’re not harassing them, or being a problem for their relationship, chances are they have absolutely no idea we harbour feelings for them at all, we do it for entirely selfish reasons. We do it, mostly, so that we can think romantic thoughts without having to deal with the actual anxieties and stressers of having feelings for someone.

In my case, I never showed an interest in the person who I later, having moved to Scotland, decided I had a big crush on, when I lived in the same city as them. I was actively uninterested in them the entire time I knew them in Canada, and once I left I found myself thinking oh actually they’re great and wouldn’t they make such a great partner? In reality, there are a wealth of people around me who would also make wonderful partners, but I’m too focused on this person in a far off land, that I’m not genuinely interested in, to bother looking around me. The best part: when I went home at Christmas my crush disappeared. Not the actual person, but my crush, the actual feelings I had just disappeared, I had no interest in seeing them or knowing what they were up to. As soon as I was in the airport going home I was like hey? What’s going on? Why did that happen? And why am I NOW only just starting to think romantically about them again? Seriously?!

In part, this is why when I came back to Scotland I initially was off of all dating ever. And then why I re downloaded Tinder. It’s time for me to stop harbouring feelings for someone I don’t have a genuine interest in (even writing this I’m thinking…but do I?) I also started talking to people about this. I have one friend who I *KNOW* does this. I’ve known for years and as soon as I started doing it I texted her and was like “oh my god it’s happening.” But then as I talked more and more to other people, it turns out this is something we ALL DO.

I know multiple people who have done this for years. People who harbour some sort of questionable crush on someone who treats them poorly, or who shows no interest in them, or who wouldn’t be at all what they’re looking for if they actually dated, just because it’s a convenient thing to do. Convenient is maybe the wrong word. They do it mostly out of habit at this point, maybe originally something happened to make them thing “huh, they’re cute”, but they never acted on it. Usually it’s someone where it would be weird or inappropriate now, a family friend or someone from a close knit friend group. I think for them, it’s born more out of habit than anything else. It also gets complicated for us when we then start to date someone, and you’re forced to contend with this long-held habit of ruminating over someone you probably don’t actually like, it feels weird to always have this sort of idea of a person on the back-burner, waiting to come back to if the actual relationship you’re in now doesn’t work out.

Is this the adult version of having a crush on celebrity? Do you remember when you were a teen and were convinced you would marry a Jonas Brother, (or whoever was really cool and hot to you as a teen)? As much as I joke about Hozier, I don’t do this with celebrities anymore, but apparently now I do it with people who I actually know? I don’t convince myself we’ll get married, but I spend the time I used to spend thinking about celebrities now thinking about crushes and wondering what they’re doing, or what it would be like if they were here.

So what do we do? Coming clean about our feelings seems redundant because I’m 100% sure in my situation, and about 75% sure in the situations that my friends are in, that we don’t really have feelings for them. Is it just a question of catching yourself having the thoughts and trying to quell the habit? Is it really a harmful thing? Do we really have to do anything about it if it’s not harming anyone? If it’s not holding you back from dating, or if you don’t want to be dating, is it okay to continue down this path of slightly confusing behaviour? Or, is it just an innocent form of escapism?

Have you been in this position and moved past it? I imagine I could, but I think I would always remember in the deep of my subconscious this little inkling of feelings towards that person, or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’m just thinking this because last night I had a gin-fuelled dream that he married one of our friends from uni. And the queen was in attendance. And I was the only person there who was unhappy about the whole thing.

PSA: If you are harbouring this type of a crush for me, I have sad news for you, the person I am talking about in this article is probably definitely not you. Also, if we live on other sides of the Atlantic, it’s not going to work out. Also, I met someone here that I quite fancy so sorry, you should have come across the Atlantic sooner.

Have you done this? Do you have advice? Do you want to read more about my chaotic approach to dating? Feel free to browse around my ‘Carrie Bradshaw Series’.

Am I Getting To Know Someone Or Am I Leading Them On? | Hiking the Cliffs of Moher Vlog

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Contact: arcticsabrinabusiness@gmail.com

Why Do We Think So Much About People Who Don’t Think About Us? Alternate Title: Be Still My Foolish Heart? (Anything to drag Hozier into my chats)  I'm not talking about unrequited love, I'm talking about how we create crushes on people we don't *really* have an actual interest in.

[womanintheword]

ive been struggling with terrible religious ocd for years now. im so afraid of God and going to hell. it's affecting my whole life. i used to pray maybe thousands of prayers a week, constantly, from as soon I'd wake up. i couldnt read a book I just couldnt concentrate id just have to pray again and again. the intensity of my ocd varies but there are times when it's so bad that i want to commit suicide. 1 of 2

“the thing is i dont even have a specific religion im just obsessed about there being a God who might be going to punish me. just the fact that there might be a chance of that happening is enough for me to have mental breakdowns and extreme anxiety. i just dont know how to live how do other people even do this. I just dont know anymore… please help do you or otherds have any advice? also please put a tw i dont want others to feel afraid. 2 of 2″Hi friend,I know you said you don’t have a specific religion and, honestly, I think that may be some of the source of your anxiety. I really feel that (and know from experience) once you know God and know and accept Jesus Christ, that helps so much with all of the fears you are struggling with. He helps so much. You see, friend, God sent Jesus to die for you–to die for us–and to die for our sins. If you accept Jesus Christ into your life, there’s no need to be afraid of going to hell. If you accept Jesus into your life, your entire world is going to change. With Jesus on our side, we can’t lose. God already loves you so much, friend. He loves you so much and He’s waiting for you to come to Him and to pray to Him not out of fear, but out of love. He doesn’t want us talking to Him and reading His Word because we feel like we have to, but because we want to. Do you have a Bible? If not, I suggest going out and getting one if it is at all possible (or even downloading the Bible app onto your phone if that’s more feasible for the time being). If you don’t know where to begin, try the gospel of Luke. Or, if you prefer, begin at the beginning of the New Testament (in Matthew). Get to know Jesus.Along with reading His Word, perhaps try reading a book such as Believing God by Beth Moore, and, if there’s a church nearby, consider trying it out. You could go and see what you think, and maybe try speaking with the minister/pastor and tell him/her your feelings/thoughts as well. I’m sending so many prayers your way, friend. Please do let me know if you have anymore questions.For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16All my love,S.