#i dont hate elain i promise i just needed to use her

[svearehnn]

a raging storm | azriel x reader

Summary: Azriel always hoped it would be Elain; sweet, docile Elain. However, when the bond lit a fire between you and him, his cold demeanor set into place, pushing him away from you, and you did the same. Rhys sent the two of you on mission after mission together, hoping it would help in breaking down your walls, but the fire and ice that ran through your veins could never be quenched.

a/n: i know this is short, and i haven't finished the tarot readings i need to, but my relationship is falling apart at the seams and i needed some azriel angst to make me feel better :) so here you go, i hope your heart hurts.

warnings: angst, slight mention of blood

The firelight flickered, casting long shadows between the two of you in the small but cozy room. The sound of your blade sharpening against stone and the crackle of the fire filled the space, along with the palpable tension between you and the Shadowsinger. He stood by the window, eyes flickering to your hunched figure on the couch briefly before staring back out at the snowy abyss outside. Your motions grew reckless, the blade ringing in the air, your jaw clenched, eyes cold.

Your chest thrummed, begging you to move closer to Azriel, to pull him into your arms and soothe the tension that curled around his shoulders, but you stayed still. The bond between you felt like a chain, one that was bitten by cold fire, unwelcome. You knew he had hoped Elain would be the one, three sisters for three brothers, and it pulled a sour taste onto your tongue, one that you quickly swallowed down.

“I think your dagger is sharp by now.” His voice filled the quiet room, shadows darkening the already dim space as night threatened to take over. A soft growl sounded in your throat as you stopped your movements momentarily only to continue, this time faster, harsher. Your eyes narrowed in on the steel, watching as the light of the fire glinted off of the metal every time it shifted within your grasp. 

You heard him shift, wings rustling as he moved, his eyes burning a hole into the side of your face. The frustration in his gaze was building, his shadows twitching with agitation around his shoulders and about the room. You glanced up at him, cold fire dancing within your irises, teeth clenched as you glared at each other for a moment before you continued your heated task.

His eyes narrowed, fists clenching as you began hitting the dagger against stone with a renewed ferocity. “You’re going to hurt yourself,” he murmured in a low voice, deep in the back of his throat. His wings shifted, a tinge of warning building within the air. The shadows around him seemed to darken and twist, looming over you like a dark specter as the tension in the room rose to unbidden heights.

“Then I’ll hurt myself.” You grumbled, gripping the steel in your hand, knuckles turning bone white. You were lost in thought, not fully focused on the task at hand. He stepped closer, the air around you shifting, his fingers brushing against your leather-covered arm. You flinched slightly, the blade nicking the skin of your wrist. Blood bubbled up and trickled down as a shaky breath fell through your teeth, but you didn’t cease your movements, desperate to keep some sort of distance between yourself and the male before you.

Your name fell from his lips in a warning, his voice taut and deep with a pain that you couldn’t place. The floorboards creaked underneath him as he stepped closer. You could feel his breath against your hair, the strands fluttering softly, your body tensing at the proximity of him. The fire crackles and pops, sparks flying into the air, the light casting eerie silhouettes onto the ground behind him, making it seem like demons were dancing in the darkness alongside his shadows. You knew his gaze was on you, intense with anger and frustration, but you ignored his presence, ignored the blood dripping down your wrist as you continued to clash steel against stone.

“You need to calm down,” he growled low in his throat, his voice akin to the cold wind whistling outside in the frigid winter night. His fingers twitched, threatening to reach out and stop your incessant gesticulations. Your eyes snapped up to his, a glare permanent within them as he took a deep and steadying breath.

“I am calm.” You snarled, dagger clutched within your grip, the blood seeping down your wrist pulsing with its own rhythm, matching the beat of your heart. Azriel’s hazel eyes never leave yours, swirling with an unspoken promise. You glanced back down at the blade, pulling it away from the stone to inspect it. Your thumb runs against the edge of the steel. It was sharp, sharper than it had ever been before, slicing a shallow cut along the flat of your thumb, but you didn’t flinch. You set the dagger down on the table in front of you before picking up another and unsheathing it, eyes avoiding his as you began your ministrations once more. Shadows swirled in the corner of your vision, reaching out to comfort you, but never quite coming close enough to slide against your skin. You batted them away, sighing as the familiar ring of your blade filled the room, accompanying the soft roar of the fire.

Azriel’s gaze fixes on the dagger in your hand, jaw clenched, shoulders tensing. “You’re not calm,” he says softly, his voice like a gentle breeze that can’t quite dispel the storm raging within you. He sits down beside you on the couch, wings pulling into his back uncomfortably as you shuffle to the side furthest away from him, body curling in on yourself. His fingers flex into fists in his lap, the black tattoos on his skin pulsing with an otherworldly energy. 

“Talk to me.” His voice was barely above a whisper, almost lost amongst the sound of your blade. There was no anger in his tone, just desperation–concern as he tried to reach you before you fully succumbed into your own mind. The bond within your chest churned like a sickness, your eyes squeezing shut, air escaping through your teeth.

“And what should I say?” Your voice was deadly, venom snaking through the words, wrapping around him like a vice and squeezing viciously. The shadows around him seemed to stir, reaching out once more. This time they curled around you, the dark tendrils gently locking around your wrist, hiding the blood from sight with a cool whisper of air.

“Should I mention the carnage we just witnessed?” You murmured, the sound of your blade once again ringing through the air. “Or the fact that I can feel your ache for Elain, wishing to wrap her in your arms against your High Lord’s orders?” Azriel inhaled sharply, his chest constricting, the pain of your emotions washing over him even as you tried to keep them out of his grasp. 

Your name fell from his lips once more, quiet and sweet like honey, trying to draw you in like a fly to a spider’s web. You threw your dagger down on the table, it hitting the oaken wood with a resounding clang as you stood abruptly.

“Stop saying my name.” You seethed, eyes turning towards his with a menacing glare, water pooling within them even as you tried to blink the vulnerability away. “Once the snow stops falling, we are going back to Velaris.” Your words were finalized, chilling to the bone as you walked to the fire, standing before it, eyes mesmerized by the glaring light. You wrapped your fingers around your wrist, blood smudging, wincing at the sting of the cut, letting the pain ground you once more. Eyes shut tight, a tear fell down your cheek as you tightened the hold on your wrist painfully, your body shaking, adrenaline taking over. A shadow flew toward you, wiping the salty water from your cheek before you could back away from it. You shook your head as if that could rid you of the lingering chill Azriel’s shadow left.

You felt him move behind you, the warmth of his body encasing your back, his breath hot against your neck. “You need to quell this storm inside of you.” He whispered against your ear, sending a shiver down your spine. The bond in your chest sung at the closeness of him, begging you, pleading with you to lean back into his embrace, but you wouldn’t give in, you couldn’t. 

“And why should I?” The words fell from your lips before you could stop them, your eyes heavy and lidded as they stared into the fire, searching for answers within the flames. “What if the storm is all I am? What if I am just fire and ice?” Your voice was cold, devoid of emotion, and you felt him flinch away from you, but he stayed put. He didn’t take a step back, even as you nailed your heart shut, sealed your soul away from the male behind you, your mate. 

“Then I will embrace the fire and the ice,” he whispered. You whirled to face him, his hazel eyes gazing into yours with an intensity that made you swallow deeply. He was searching your irises for something, watching the way they swirled with frosted emotion, trying and failing to break down the walls you had held up for years–the walls he had caused you to build.

“And if it’s too much?” You bite back, fury coating your words as you tilt your chin up, ragged breaths rising and falling in your chest. “Will you run back to sweet Elain, let her fill you up with honeyed-words and petaled smiles until you forget about me once more?” Azriel’s jaw ticks, brows furrowed at your harsh words even though he knew it was nothing but the truth lilting out of your lips.

He had never given you a chance, not even when you had stepped forward all those years ago, hand on your heart, eyes wide and vulnerable as you whispered those fated words that he had longed to hear for centuries. Azriel had turned you away, again and again and again. He had watched with cold detachment as you closed yourself off to him, to your friends, even to yourself. You became a shell of who you once were, that bond in both of your chests weakening, fraying. Yet here he was, trying, finally realizing that you were the one, that Elain was nothing more than a distraction from the fear of letting himself truly love you. Maybe he still had a chance, but maybe… maybe he didn’t. Perhaps it was too late.

“Your storm is all I crave,” he spoke, words full of conviction and desperation. “I will walk across hot coals, through raging winds, through bloodied battlegrounds just to reach you.” A shake of your head, a soft, sad smile. You take a step back, the warmth of the fire licking at your legs.

“Why the change of heart?” Your voice quivered, lips pursing as you tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall, tried to keep up those barriers that seemed to be crumbling down around you.

“I see you,” he murmured, reaching up a scarred hand to cup your cheek. You sighed, inadvertently closing your eyes and leaning into the touch. “I finally see you.” With a shake of your head you pull back, maneuvering around him, reaching the table and sheathing your sharpened daggers.

“Well,” you whispered, voice angelic against the clash of wind and looming fire, “you took too long.” With the finality of your words you glanced back at him one last time, a sorrowful smile pulling at your lips before you retired to your room, shutting the door softly. The bond thrummed once more in your chest, loud and incessant, and then it dimmed to a low dull. 

The storm had finally passed, but the damage it had caused was irreversible, and both of you could feel it in the silence of your souls.

[serendipity-by-chance]

we need to be friends lol cause ive genuinely seen people act like rhys doesnt care about those priestesses and that the library is a prison of sorts💀💀 the library is open for them to leave if they want to just like they did when nesta asked them to train.

ive seen people say rhys doesnt care about the illyrian females which is again bs. rhys literally outlawed the clipping of wings but tell me how is he supposed to change the beliefs of people like when the illyrian males say if the girls use swords they will bury them or those swords cant be use? how is he meant to change their minds? u want rhys to control the minds of his people? the very thing yall accuse him of? emerie already stated rhys changed the inheritance law of the illyrians allowing her to inherit her father’s shop which is a HUGE thing. the clipping was outlawed. it was brought back during amarantha’s reign when rhys himself was trapped.

as for lucien… fuxk that man. he WATCHED as his so called friend was emotionally abused for months. he was willing to drag her back to that god awful court. the only reason he didnt rat her out in acowar is because he wanted to see elain otherwise he wouldnt hesitate lol so genuinely fuck him. has he EVER apologised to feyre for what he did? or has he sincerely apologised to nesta and elain for what his silence inflicted on them? or did he ever apologise to rhys for all the awful things he said to him all those years? idc if u say rhys did his job well. rhys was being SAd for years and never has lucien apologised for calling him a whore.

also in acofas rhys clearly stated that he can never be nice to people who hurt feyre. hence his treatment of lucien and nesta. people may be like ‘but what about elain?’ and mind u in acomaf rhys told feyre it would be difficult to like BOTH her sisters because seeing them reminds him how young and alone feyre was. however, elain actually showed remorse. it was elain who in front of the three brothers and feyre accepted her own hand in feyre’s suffering for years and apologised for it. elain also showed more kindness to feyre afterwards in acofas and acosf. and mind u rhys was ALWAYS kind to nesta. if you idiots actually read acosf properly ud see nesta stating that but here it is for u people who have selective reading skills where nesta admits rhys is a good person and that rhys was always nice to her even when he hated her.

the quotes are from acosf so please look it up. nesta never thought low of rhys. it is YOU idiots who twist her words into something it’s not to fit your narrative. once nesta save’s feyre’s life rhys quite literally kneels in front of her and thanks her. rhys throws outrageous money for a wedding ceremony for nesta and cassian because he genuinely cares so much for her now. one act of kindness towards feyre and rhys would do anything to ensure that person is happy. FOR FEYRE.

rhys actually made so much changes in law that benefit the women and its even highlighted by cassian but people dont want to read that

ive seen people complain that rhys did little in 500 years and i wanna ask whether they actually read the book or not. 500 years ago was the War when his father was still alive and tamlin was a child. if u all forgot id remind u that tamlin was a grown fae male and well into his years seeing that he served in his father’s army and befriended rhys before he became high lord. rhys probably served no more than a bit over 200 years into his immortality and even then 50 years was spent utm. he still tried despite that.

in conclusion: read the books. i promise dont just read acosf and be like “oh rhys is so wrong!” and don’t say that the narrative for acotar is wrong because feyre is the mc. if that were the case then we can say the narration for acosf is wrong too lol. rhys never wanted to be HK. he’s content to only rule NC. he wants to make it better for his people.

also the elriel thing is obviously a set up for conflict in elain’s book because azriel has been set up to be her love interest. there needs to be a conflict as to why the two cant be together otherwise they’d be together in the first 5 pages and what are we reading then? lol. (in truth rhys saw the vision and obviously is on our side and wanted to give us a forbidden love trope. ik him u guys dont! i trust his vision)

in conclusion: go back to school and take your english comprehension classes again please. thank you. acotar is actually sjm’s simplest work and the thinkpieces people write over this shit is so funny😭😭 it’s also her worst work compared to tog and the intricacies of cc and is nth more than a romantasy and people still act like a fool over this.

Shit that Rhys gets hate for that never happened in the books or that are completely justified.

“Plotting to become High King.” Rhys has never stated that he wants to be High King and he’s actually said multiple times that he has no plans of becoming one. The idea was brought up by Amren and was shut down quickly by him. I don’t get why y’all are hating on him for it when he literally agrees with you?

“Trying to kill Nesta.” Sadly Rhys has never actually tried to kill Nesta. He threatened to (just like she threatened to kill her baby sister) but he has never done it and he even says that he would never hurt anyone Feyre loves. Quick question though. Nesta’s threat towards Feyre is excused with “she was just angry because her boundaries were being pushed” but why is that logic also not applied to Rhys? He was angry because his wife had a miscarriage thrown in her face. Yet these instances aren’t treated the same?

“Threatening to kill Nesta just because she told Feyre the truth.” The reason he threatened her was not simply because she told Feyre. It was because of how she told Feyre. She threw a dead child in her sister’s face (his child along with Feyre’s) and not only that but she blatantly lied to her sister and said everyone was just going to let her die in ignorance while knowing that that wasn’t true. If someone you cared about was told their child was going to die in the same manner that Nesta told Feyre would you be upset?

“Bullying Tamlin.” His bitch ass deserved it. What do you want me to say?

“Bullying Lucien.” He also deserves it. Seriously though what reason would Rhys have to like Lucien? He’s besties with the man who got his mother and sister killed, he’s the man who tried to force his mate back to her abuser, he’s the man who looked at Feyre with disgust for simply being a part of the IC. What reason do these two people have to like one another? Lucien disliking Rhys is fine but Rhys disliking him is bullying? Need I remind y’all that these are both two grown ass men?

“Forcing traumatized Priestess to work for him.” I didn’t even think people were dumb enough to hate on him for this but here we are. The library is not a prison for the priests who live there. It’s a sanctuary where they are taken to heal and they can leave whenever they are ready to. There are even counselors/therapists there to help them.

“Purposely keeping Nesta ignorant about her powers so he can control her.” If I remember correctly it was actually her who chose to refuse to learn about her abilities and it was her who threw a tantrum when they suggested that she starts learning again. The IC never forced Nesta to be powerless or under their control. She willingly refused to learn about her powers.

“Hating Nesta and abusing her because she didn’t bow to him.” I don’t even know how many times it’s said and shown that Rhys doesn’t enforce rank unless he absolutely has to. His own friends talk shit to him but you actually think he disliked Nesta because she did it? Maybe just maybe his dislike for her came from him watching her repeatedly hurt his wife? You can say he was wrong for defending Nesta against Feyre all you want but painting him out to be the bad guy for simply disliking a woman who hurt his wife is insanity.

Bonus: “Brainwashing Nesta to be happy with how everyone treated her.” This argument is just so unserious I don’t even know how to counter it😭.

“Degrading Azriel and forbidding him to see Elain and in the process taking away their choices.” This is just another instance where he was completely justified in his decision. You have to put yourself in his shoes for a second. One, he’s already stressed out because he thinks that his wife, child, and he himself are going to die and the last thing he needs is to be worried about losing an important ally over Elain and Azriel. Two, from his perspective it looks like Azriel just wanted to fuck Elain and he didn’t actually have feelings for her. “Well how could he not know that Azriel likes Elain” because as I stated before throughout Acosf his main priority was Feyre being pregnant and finding a way for her to survive it. Of course he’s not going to notice two people dancing around one another if he’s worried about his wife dying? A lot of you just forget that Rhys is also a High Lord who will put his people above everything (except for Feyre).

Ending it here even though I could go on and on about how delusional a lot of his antis are. This post would just be way too long.

[kimsnnn]

Part 1

Disclaimer: This post is in favor of my ship, Elriel. No hate, just an opinion. This is what makes sense to me. If this��isn't your cup of tea, and it came up on your feed, no worries just skip please. 

If you look at it this way:

If the series were to officially end at ACOWAR then that would mean that there would be no need to add any more books due to the majority of the plot being resolved. If there were slight questions or plot holes that were left open, we as readers can basically create our own conclusion based of where these characters and their stories were left off at. That’s the beauty of being a reader, being able to use our imagination to extend the stories based on canon information to infer or even speculate what happened to those beloved characters of ours.

If its easy to answer these questions, fill these plot holes and resolve any issues within that story, then there would be no need for any additional books, and lets say there were questions that were pressing but not complicated to answer, a simple extra book could be added to resolve that like ACOFAS. ACOFAS could’ve concluded everything. She could’ve also showed Feyre or whoever freeing Vassa and then created a whole spin off on Vassa and her adventures including the plot of her defeating her captor Koschei while also dealing with the queens and humans basically introducing us to a whole new world and continent with new fae/fae territories (like chaol introduced in his book from ToG). Her LI would most likely be Jurian because Lucien would have ended up with Elain which we know because she resolved that in ACOFAS.

BUT

That’s not at all what happened. Things were not answered/resolved during ACOFAS.

The author which in this case is SJM knew that whatever obvious inferences/speculation we the fandom would have is not the accurate ending she had for these characters. So she decided to introduce far more books into the series as standalones but, still part of the overarching plot to truly get the full scope of what she has in store for these characters. Why make additional books based on the obvious ?  She’s a writer, she knows the importance of creating mystery or writing plot twists that we either didn’t or decided not to realize or even accept. So ACOFAS and even ACOWAR wasn’t there to answer last minute questions, to show us that our favorite ships did end up together, no it was there to be used to set up future stories like SJM said and be as close as can be as opposite of obvious.

At the End of ACOWAR we have :

Nesta

-THAT Nessian moment 🥰  (& Nessian moments in general in ACOWAR)

We can infer based on where those characters were left off that :

-They would end up together eventually.  I mean come on, Cass’s line *chef’s kiss*.

BUT what people forget is that was also her breaking point (trauma) 

-We didn’t know how her trauma would affect her, her life and loved ones, & how she’d heal Or what were even her powers. These questions were built up throughout all of ACOWAR

So what did SJM do?

-She wrote the answers to those questions in ACOSF while also resolving questions about Nessian’s status especially since Nesta first had to start healing to let herself be loved.

The evidence ? The set up to gain support to find these answers ? Its in ACOFAS

-Nesta’s drinking, isolation, rage, fear, loneliness and self hate

-Nesta’s avoidance of her sisters, the IC and Cassian

-Cassian’s persistence, confusion. Feeling helpless.

Same thing can be seen for Elain

At the end of ACOWAR

Elain

-Civilness between E and L.  She seems more at peach and want to plan gardens/rebuild

We can infer

-Elain talked to Lucien so she forgave him or is on track to forgive him. From this we can assume the possibility of Elucien being endgame.

Elain also must be healed because she smiled and wants to help rebuild. So that all equals acceptance of her powers (on occasionally seeing things and that it, that’s her power), her new life and bond

BUT what we forget is the iconic Elriel moments (Hybern camp & truth teller connection), Elain’s world/future going up in flames, the consequences/trauma of having been gifted these powers

-We don’t know the full scope of her powers, why the cauldron adores her, how she feels, why were we given blooming moments between Elriel 

So again what will SJM probably do?

-Set Elriel to be endgame. Cause civility/friendship/forgiveness/CLOSURE between Elain and Lucien. Get In depth about her powers, her trauma and how it has affected the life she thought she would have. Have her come into her role in the NC and have self growth. 

The evidence? Its in ACOFAS & ACOSF

-Elain’s anger and desperation to have a choice, to have her own agency

-Elain’s avoidance, tolerance, discomfort of Lucien ( she wilts and regresses)

-Elain’s push to contribute more and firmly declare she’s a member of the NC

-Elriel’s tension & build up ( glances, smiles, blushing, gifts, humor, awareness, longing, protectiveness, attraction, actively trying to distract themselves, etc I could go on and on)

-Confirmation of Elain’s power still existing. Her whereabouts: where is Elain when the IC are facing obstacles?

-Her visions still to happen. The fourth dead trove needs to be found: it makes sense that it would be found by Elain (& Az) ( the crown: Braiylln, the harp & mask: Nesta, the fourth trove: Elain)

*If there are 3 cauldron made and Braiylln found one (& is now dead), Nesta found 2 but couldn't get a good read of the fourth, that means it'll be up to Elain & Azriel because they are basically the only two in the IC who closely work with shadows and even mist. Maybe Nuala and Cerridwen would also join in searching which id love.

Now let’s ignore the evidence.

From that moment at the end of ACOWAR again: 1) we see Elain who seems better and 2)we have Elain and Lucien who seem to be in a civil place 

So we assume she’s healed or on track, and her relationship with Lucien is looking up. So why would SJM write a whole standalone on the obvious?

If she’s healed and okay, if she and Lucien will be a sailing ship why be so secretive and unclear on Elain’s story, on who she ends up with?

Nessian was so clear, there was no REAL doubt that they would not end up together despite the obstacles between them, two of them being her rage and trauma. But Nessian would be and are endgame period. All the other “prospects” were just for angst, development and humor. Not real threats.

She wrote Nesta’s story because the worry and question wasn’t on Nessian’s validity, she established their validity and their romance when Nesta prepared to die with Cassian, when Cassian promised to find more time with her, when Nesta called for Cassian, when Nesta Wass worried for Cassian, when Nesta would constantly pay attention to him without realizing it (his wings) when Cassian ran after her during solstice, when Cassian bought her a gift etc. The worry and questions were ALWAYS on and about Nesta’s role, powers, and trauma because they were the influencing factor that affected everyone’s future, Nesta’s life/health and Nessian’s ability to finally able to come together.

If Elucien were endgame we as a fandom would know without a doubt that they are. There would be many more moments of ooh’s and hmmm’s and less mystery and confusion on their validity. There would be far more angst and these characters would have be seen more often together (seeking each other out, but Elain never does) or at least have them have more than one scene of mutual civilness where they dont talk awkwardly, and have a real conversation not one that seems forced, especially by Feyre. Even with the obstacles between them and their distance (because of the obvious elephant in the room) we should have scenes that showcases clear interest between them but we don’t. There is only one true scene where we have that and its at the end of ACOWAR, Im not blind i could see where people might interpret it as Elucien confirmation and who knows maybe I'm wrong and it is but, I read that differently. That to me was confirmation that a friendship between them is possible. Something completely platonic but just as sweet in a different way. That scene to me wasn’t charged it was not even a slow burn or even a spark it was healing and the foreshadowing of a possible friendship.

ALSO:

*Possible ToG spoiler below*

I don’t think it’s too far fetched to assume that Vassien is a thing. And in all honestly I also don’t think its too far fetched to have Lucien (& Vassa) have their own book like Chaol (& Yrene) did. Chaol was an important/original main character from the very beginning of the series who ended up doing grave mistakes. He found himself lost in life to later finding himself gaining a new purpose outlook & perspective when he left the continent to only meet his new LI Yrene freaking Towers who SERIOUSLY changed the whole game ( I freaking love her) and was extremely valuable to winning that war. This is so similar to Lucien’s story so far and Vassa (the firebird) who I expect to resemble Yrene in value and vitalness  BUT it is important to state that Lucien is nothing like Chaol and is far more SUPERIOR. So No this is not me saying Lucien is like Chaol. This is just me seeing the resemblance in their journeys so far, which might be due to SJM possibly reusing the same template on purpose.

Part 2

[dreaminginvelaris]

nessian analysis

im not sure if this qualifies as an analysis? It's basically me just explaining why I didn't like the nessian relationship, what it lacked, what sjm should have done.

I will be using the “anti-nessian” tag bc there are many softies here on Tumblr who get pissy whenever you have some things to say abt a beloved character or relationship that dont paint them as gods even though i dont hate them. I DO NOT hate nessian, I am not the biggest fan of them, im not entirely fond of them, I personally think we were robbed of a much deeper and flushed out relationship, but I do not hate nessian whatsoever. 

also please for the love of god don’t get butthurt and start talking about how feysand is the boring one, how feysand is so vanilla, in retaliation. stop. it makes you look childish. if you hate what i have to say abt your ship, move on. you don’t need to come on a nessian post and start talking about other ships. yes i realize i mention feysand, and rowaelin, but it was to compare how sjm usually writes her main couples.  

with that being said, let's move forward. 

sjm in the past has done an amazing job when writing romantic relationships. She's so wonderful at establishing a friendship, at establishing an emotional connection, before any romance takes place. like with rowaelin, we got to see rowan and aelin forge a friendship, from hating one another to respecting each other. before it was romantic love, it was friendly love first, it was love and respect for their friendship that made aelin threaten that bitch who i forgot the name of but who wouldn't stop touching rowan and aelin bathed her in fire until she stopped. it was the love and respect for their friendship that made rowan fight against his cadre to go save aelin, it was that love that made aelin go to maeve, threaten her ppl so Rowan could be free. 

all of this built up to the amazing relationship that is Rowaelin. it took establishing an emotional connection between the two to make what is their relationship now. the romantic/sexual part of their relationship is amazing as well, but it wouldn't have been amazing were it not for the trust their relationship was built on first. 

it's the same thing with feysand, their relationship built on trust first, on friendship, on emotional talks, on sharing their thoughts and feelings, on sharing hard truths with one another. on feyre trusting rhys with how she felt abt the whole tamlin situation, it built on rhys sharing his past, on sharing some of those horrific moments of UTM, it built on them fighting with one another, it's what made chapter 55 so amazing because it built up. it wasn't just sex right off the bat, it was forging a connection much more powerful than sex. 

which brings me to my main point, that nessian definitely lacks all of this. before it even starts, i know there are ppl who might say “but nessian was building during acomaf/acowar?”  yes, it was, we knew that there was something between them. but can you really call it an emotional build up btwn them? i mean we saw it through the eyes of feyre, so we didn't really see much of substance. we saw them exchange glances, nesta insult cass, cass tease nesta, even that one bonus chapter, but that wasn't enough buildup. because even in that bonus chapter we mainly just got to see cass corner nesta to a wall and learn how he was so turned on by her. nothing of depth and substance. 

you would expect sjm to bring this to their book. but it didn't happen. perhaps she as well thought that was enough of a build up to them, i wouldn't put it past her, her writing skills definitely are questionable in this book.

but where were the talks? where was nesta confiding to cassain abt her mother? abt her life being groomed for marriage? abt the years during the poverty, abt how she felt disgusted by herself for what she had done to feyre. for what she had not done for their family? for what she felt with her fathers death, how she felt abt elain, how she was coping?

where were the talks in which cassian confided in nesta? in where he talks abt his years in the illyrian camps, in what happened in those moments when he murdered a whole illyrian village, in which he learned he would never be able to bury his mother. the talks where he tells her how it felt to be separated from his brothers, how he felt when rhys was trapped, how it felt when feyre was taken, how it felt when he thought him and nesta were to die, at hybern and at the war. 

where was the teasing? the laughing? the pinning each other down during training, the talks during training. where was the friendship being built? just because cass tells nesta he was always her friend doesn't mean it’s not important to see it.

instead all we got was training and fucking and fucking and training. instead we got nesta jacking off cassian 200 pages in? i mean thats so out of character of nesta. this fiery woman who spent three books pushing cassian away, who made it known she ‘despised’ cassian, who made it clear she would not touch or even try to interact with cassian during her stay at the house of wind, but all of a sudden she just loses that and jacks him off? i mean the fact that nesta kept pushing cassian away was such a great opportunity for sjm to take and make it slow burn. teasing touches, never going too far but enough it made the other shiver. i mean that when the pinning each other down in training would have come in handy. but instead sjm just decided to change nestas character just like she changed cassians as well. 

(note: i am not slut shaming nesta, before any of y'all try to twist it that way, i am merely stating how in my perspective that was not something nesta would have done with cassian.

not to forget how cassian would literally leave nesta after their sexual encounters! please tell me i’m not the only one who notices that the cassian from acomaf/acowar/acofas would not have done that. this man has practically been in love with nesta since day one and he just straight up says “thanks for the ride” and leaves? uhhhh what? the cassian i knew and loved would not have done that. i mean him staying after those encounters would have been the perfect opportunity for them to have deep talks, for them to get to know one another. i mean they both claim to know each other, but do they really? 

the mating revelation was soo underwhelming too. i wanted passion, i mean thats what i was promised no? from both sjm and the nessian stans. so where was that passion during the mating revelation? i mean sjm had aelin realize rowan was her mate after rowan was shot, and she felt the fear of losing him. had rhys know fully when feyre was dying and he was trying to get to her. had ferye realize when they professed their love for each other, and she realized she had healed with him. even goddamn lucien and elain knew in such an intense way as well. and nessian? on a sidewalk. with cassian demanding nesta say it, and nesta robotically denying it. 

all im saying is that we were robbed. i like sex between two characters as much as the next person but sex doesn't matter unless there is a deep emotional connection between the two, its what makes chemistry between two characters amazing. 

also lets mention how cassian didn't even say i love you to nesta. PLSSS WHAT WAS THAT

the only part in the whole 700+ page book that actually felt deeper and much more stronger between the two of them was when nesta broke down and admitted she hated herself and cassian consoled her. but that was what? 3 pages and then they proceeded to continue to fuck during their “healing hike” nah that aint it

all im saying is that nessian was much more fun and sexy when it was through feyre’s perspective. 

[surfalldaybaby]

”A Very Long and Comprehensive Analysis of Feyre’s Experience w/ Trauma and Abuse

- This is not a kind analysis of Nesta but please still read it if you want. It’s not in the wrong tags tho so please don’t rant about how much you love Nesta. I love that for you. Personally, I hate her. :)

Also- I use many of the quotes that @feysandlover and @dont-rattle-aelin used to prove her point that Nesta is abusive because she pulled many of the really jarring ones. 

I was looking through the Rhysand tag and for some reason someone posted something comparing Nesta and Feyre in terms of their trauma, and they said that Nesta had experienced way more trauma than Feyre and I-

That’s disgusting.

First - don’t compare trauma

Second- they were wrong and lacked critical thinking skills that left out Feyre’s full experience with abuse

Nesta was sexually assaulted ( which nobody talks about enough) and her family’s fortune flipped making them poor overnight. Because of this she fostered anger towards her father. I get that. I sympathize with that. She is then taken away from her life and forcefully changed into fae. I cannot imagine what that felt like for her. It must have been devastating. Her whole identity was shifted in one day and she went from hating fae to being fae. Confusing and overwhelming. She then goes into war and develops PTSD and depression from her experiences. She sees her father die and is unable to reconcile her anger and his death. It’s horrible and I cannot even begin to understand the depth of her emotions here. I have zero issue saying that about Nesta because it’s true she has gone through extaordinary trauma and I cannot imagine how she fully feels. She deals with this trauma in unhealthy ways because they only exacerbate her feelings of worthlessness. Not her fault. However, she also treats Mor and Feyre and Rhys in disrespectful ways and Cassian and her have an unhealthy dynamic where they insult each other. Her and Amren have a shaky and partner like relationship but it is by no means a sturdy one. Az and Nesta don’t seem to have a relationship at all. She has no true healthy relationship with anyone but Elain, and you could argue even that is not truly healthy.

Much of Nesta’s trauma is due to extraneous factors and a multitude or variables. It’s valid and it matters just as much as Feyres. They are both real. However the amount of traumatic experiences she has gone through does not come close to rivaling that of Feyre’s and to even try and compare them is disgusting. Trauma should never be compared but I want to show Feyre’s experience in a broader light to show her development from a scared girl to high lady

Feyre was never an active abuser in any relationship she was always the one being abused. Nesta was abused and she was also the abuser. It is important to point that out because it heavily impacts Feyre’s story.

Also, I believe the reason Feyre became so accustomed and slipped so easily into being a victim to Tamlins abuse is because Feyre was already the victim of emotional abuse from her sisters. We see this everyday, research shows that victims of abuse go back to abusive relationship and form new relationships that center around abuse because they are used to it and find it comforting. This is an extraneous point that you can agree with or can argue against it’s just a personal connection I made. However, it is very evident how Nesta and Elains treatment of Feyre affects her. She has no self confidence, she remains illiterate and with no real knowledge of polite manners ( something important in the real world, something that holds her back from being able to assimilate into the real world), her spirit is broken down at home because she knows  that verbal attacks are going to come and Nesta is going to lash out and say horrible disgusting things to her if she asks her to do something or holds her accountable for her lack of work. She is constantly degraded for everything that she does and it has a pronoucned effect on her psyche throughout the trilogy and novella. 

Like Nesta, Feyre also had to go through her family losing their fortune, she also had to bear the weight of her promise to her mother, she had to support her sisters financially going into the forest alone to hunt animals just as big as herself at 14. She never had money for herself because her sisters took it from her. Like they literally took all her money to buy things they did not need, leaving Feyre with basically nothing.

“I’d love a new cloak,” Elain said at last with a sigh, at the same moment Nesta rose and declared: “I need a new pair of boots.””“I kept quiet, knowing better than to get in the middle of one of their arguments, but I glanced at Nesta’s still-shiny pair by the door. Beside hers, my too-small boots were falling apart at the seams, held together only by fraying laces... I drowned them out as they began quarreling over who would get the money the hide would fetch tomorrow…”

 And Nesta complains and whines and doesn’t stop gaslighting Feyre because of her lack of hard work. But, she doesn’t want to do work herself because she thinks it’s beneath her. 

“I thought you were going to chop wood today. Nesta picked at her long, neat nails. “I hate chopping wood. I always get splinters. She glanced up from beneath her dark lashes. Of all of us, Nesta looked the most like our mother—especially when she wanted something. “Besides, Feyre,” she said with a pout, “you’re so much better at it! It takes you half the time it takes me. Your hands are suited for it—they’re already so rough.” My jaw clenched. “Please,” I asked, calming my breathing, knowing an argument was the last thing I needed or wanted. “Please get up at dawn to chop that wood.” I unbuttoned the top of my tunic. “Or we’ll be eating a cold breakfast.” Her brows narrowed. “I will do no such thing!”

She doesn’t care about Feyre or the fact that starving is their new reality. Poverty is what they live in. We all know if Feyre didn’t go hunting Nesta would be furious at Feyre and belittle her and make her feel small and responsible for their hunger.

“Take those disgusting clothes off.” 

“Any bit of praise for anyone—me, Elain, other villagers—usually resulted in her dismissal.”

“Is there a problem, Feyre?” She flung my name like an insult, and my jaw ached from clenching it so hard.”

“You stink like a pig covered in its own filth. Can’t you at least try to pretend that you’re not an ignorant peasant?”c“Take those disgusting clothes off.” 

“What do you know?” Nesta breathed. “You’re just a half-wild beast with the nerve to bark orders at all hours of the day and night. Keep it up, and someday—someday, Feyre, you’ll have no one left to remember you, or to care that you ever existed.” She stormed off, Elain darting after her, cooing her sympathy. 

Then Tamlim comes and kidnaps her. More trauma. She falls in love with him, I think partly because of Stockholm Syndrome and also because he shows her a level of kindness that she was not given at home, and then he disappears so she has to go back to her life with her sisters. Her sisters have all the benefits of her being stolen away bcs Feyre was able to provide their old house and wealth back through Tamlin’s gift. Her sisters literally never did anything to provide for themselves or help their father or sister. If you really think about that situation as a whole it’s devastating. Then she goes to save Tamlin and finds that her home and her loved one was basically destroyed. She goes to save him.

While under the mountain Amarantha humiliates and tortures her for fun. She makes her run around trying to get away from a monster, her illiteracy is exploited for amusement while she is under pressure of death by fire, she is forced to kill fae in order to save her love, and she has to suffer with her injuries in a basement where everyone is rooting against her.

Then she fucking dies. And like Nesta she is forced to become fae in order to survive. Like she can’t catch a break. Her whole life has really just been horrible and so traumatic. A series of abuses.

That’s not even all! She goes home and is deeply depressed and struggling with PTSD and Tamlin, who she literally was tortured and died to save, takes advantage of her sexually because he is too scared to acknowledge that she is struggling. He uses her body for his pleasure while she throws up every night after he leaves her bedroom due to the nightmares she gets from saving hundreds of fae. She is also forced to fit into a box that she doesn’t want- wearing dresses, pretending to be happy, becoming a figurehead as Tamlins bride knowing that it means she will have to be submissive and have children. Lucien emotionally abused her and ignores her obvious depression because of his own fear of what Tamlin would say. He is a bystander. She is so broken that she stops caring about everything, even painting, the one thing she always loved. Then he traps her in his house which is traumatizing again because she was just trapped under the mountain! Even the people she loved, the people she trusted, continually can’t stop abusing her.

She finds happiness and stability later on after intensive work on herself, and months of building healthy relationships, but she is still troubled because of the guilt she feels from the townsfolks anger and their sense of righteousness for her actions even though she did the best she could in every circumstance. When she goes to try and save those townspeople it becomes clear that Nesta still hates her. She shows Feyre no kindness. The only reason she is allowed to use the house, the one that Feyre got for them, was because of Elain. Even after that Nesta insults her repeatedly for being fae. Those statments from the first book that I quoted higher up in this post are just a small part of how she speaks to Feyre in the following three books after she finds out that she is fae. Even after Feyre saves her and supports her she continues abusing and blaming Feyre. She continues to insult. degrade, shame, and humiliate her to uplift her own lack of self worth. Its a technique to stop her own insecurity and depression but it is in no way excusable. It’s no wonder Rhysand hates her. She abused his mate for years- something that he experienced under the mountain (shame, gaslighting, and humiliation). That is her life. She goes on to see her father murdered. She suffered so much in such a short amount of time is a wonder she wasn’t more broken.

Don’t come to me saying Nesta experienced more trauma to prove your point that Nesta is a good person and not responsible for her actions because she “feels to much” and is a woman that is cruel, and prideful, and unapologetic “bcs that’s who she is.” She has to be held accountable for her actions, her attitude, and her lack of words and apologies to everyone she wronged- especially her sister.

Feyre sacrifices her childhood, her body, her mental health, and her life in order to provide the stability that her sisters felt was their norm. They are inherently priviledged because of that sacrifice. They felt and still feel entitled to her money, and her loyalty, and that of her friends and mate. They survive because of Feyre. And Feyre never once called them out on their behavior, not even when they continually disrespected her after she provided them with a place to live and money to live off of. This was due to her feelings of guilt and the trauma that she had continually been victim to as a child and in Tamlins court.

Some of y’all use the excuse that they never asked Feyre to do any of that and I’m genuinely appalled that that is even a response to her genuine sacrifice. Her mother asked her to take care of them. Nobody was stepping up. Nesta was not going to go into the forest and neither was Elain, both for different but equally disappointing reasons. They both would have let the family starve. Also, Nesta and Elain were both older than her. Elain and Nesta as Feyre’s old sisters should have, and had a responsibility, to ensure that Feyre didn’t have to do what she did. Their apathy and ungrateful attitude is disgusting. Disgusting and unforgivable. Sure, Feyre may have been able to do it but she never should have had to. The three of them should have figured out a plan of equal work to give and take and survive. Y’all saying that Feyre never had to do that I- ... do you not have a family? Do you not have loved ones? You don’t have to do something to help your family, but you do it anyway because you love them and you hate to see them suffer. It’s just that usually you aren’t being exploited and taken advantage of at 14, for years on end, because the sentiment is usually reciprocated.

Perhaps if they had taken better care of their younger sister she would not have been in the woods and killed the fae. Perhaps all three of them would have bore the brunt of their fathers injury together and made a family. Perhaps if she hadn’t killed the fae in the forest when she was starving due to her sisters laziness, Elain and Nesta would never have been forced into being fae.

They neglected Feyre. They aren’t as responsible for her as their father ofc but they actively neglected her and Nesta even slut shamed her for her consensual sexual relationship with Isaac. The one thing she had that her sisters couldn’t take and Nesta called her filthy and disgusting for it.

“At least I don’t have to resort to rutting in the hay with Isaac Hale like an animal.” 

Nesta remains unapologetic and to me she is not a feminist character. Sarah J Mass tried to use her as that trope to fulfill her idea of a “powerful woman” icon but she’s just a cruel and traumatized woman who people let off the hook. She gets away with it because she gaslights other characters while taking no responsibility for herself. She was abused and traumatized herself but that’s never an excuse for her in turn abusing someone else.

Now I don’t mean to say that Nesta or Elain are irredeemable. Frankly I think they both have potential to be good characters if they just apologized to Feyre in the next book, and really put those sentiments into actions. I do think Nesta is a bad person right now, I think she’s an abuser. And I think it’s hard for abusers to change their pattern of abuse. Elain is less of an outright abuser and more complicit in the abuse. I don’t know if either of them can change, but they definitely won’t if people keep letting them off the hook for their disgusting behavior. I am not impressed or charmed by either of them. Until they show a hint of gratitude and remorse to their sister because as y’all can tell she went through hell to make sure they were taken care of. Not to say that they didn’t do anything for Feyre. They both  had important roles to play in the war, and they do have their moments of kindness and bravery and showed they cared for Feyre but abusers can be kind and considerate and brave one minute and then switch up just as fast. It’s about showing a consistent pattern of respect and love. 

Just because Feyre took care of Elain and Nesta their whole damn life does not mean she has to be responsible for them as high lady. Also she is not responsible for knowing how to deal with their trauma. Her own abuse, and lack of real world experience- because Nesta and Elain never taught her to read, and Nesta continually degraded and made cruel remarks to Feyre about her lack of manners “ disgusting pig, take off your clothes didn’t anyone teach you ...” (manners she didn’t develop because she was in the forest)- means she is not perfect at confronting Nestas PTSD or depression. Feyre’s intention was always good, whereas you can’t tell me that Nestas was good and pure. She is not exempt from being respectful and kind because she is hurt and has mental illnesses. She is not exempt from apologizing because she “feels to much.”

This applies to all of the IC as well. They are all healing. They all experienced trauma that rivals what Feyre went through. It’s no wonder they built a family from that shared bond. They are healing together- not healed. Nesta is not entitled to Feyre’s care or her friends kindness. She is not entitled to be added into the group painting or their secret jokes or parties because she continues to push them all away. Then she insults them and disrespects them. The inner circle has already suffered so much they are not exactly going to be open to accepting Nesta knowing her history and her current actions and remarks, and the history of the IC. Do y’all not remember Mors family nailing a stake into her body for losing her virginity? Or Cassian, Az, and Rhys being forced to bond together to survive, being called bastards, and being ganged up on by all their peers? Rhys being sexually abused for 50 years and seeing his parents murdered? Az being stuck in a basement so long he became the shadows and his hands being burned so badly they were hard to look at? Or Amren being in the wrong body for centuries and still she and all of the IC remain a family because they try to understand each other and their experiences. Nesta was not only rude to them she was cruel and spiteful, especially to their high lady, and they don’t need an excuse, but especially as victims of abuse, they are not perfect, and they sure as hell are not obligated to embrace Nesta into their family. The IC and Feyre deserve better.

A lot of people have posed the argument that if Nesta was male everyone would love her but I disagree. If an older brother let his sister go hunting alone in the woods for years while sitting on his ass, slut shamed her and called her dirty and disgusting, blamed her for her family’s poverty and spoke to her like she was trash for years and years, verbally and emotionally belittled her, felt entitled to her possessions and her kindness while they were both struggling to heal from abuse, predisposes his sister to accepting abuse as a form of relationship, and then rather than apologize “steels [her] back” and says nothing-not even an apology or a thank you for saving their life tenfold- he would never even have gotten a redemption story, or a mate, let alone a 700 page book. He would be the most hated character in the series but because it’s Nesta and she’s a woman and y’all pose her as this feminist it’s okay that shes abusive all throughout the series.

[bloodycassian]

Sea Dreams - Nessian fic

slight ACOSF spoilers, self harm/suicide mention - angst, longing 

Nesta is a snarling beast of a Fae. If Feyre thought she was bad as a mortal sister, her Fae tolerance and stamina - mixed with her already overdeveloped hard headedness -  made it a thousand times worse.

“Rhys will have no problem winowing you to whatever mountain you want if you’d like to kill yourself a bit faster” Feyre said cooly - practiced and tempered. She had gone over this before her sister had come to visit. Amren smiled smugly from the corner, sipping from her goblet of wine. The scent made Nesta’s mind flash to her favorite bars, the numbing memory of music vibrating under her feet and deafening her mind. 

Nesta’s stomach was fiery with rage - and wine. The combination was not friendly. The wine was filling her muscles as she tensed. How dare they speak of threats to her - to practice them as if to judge what would make the most impact. Killing herself? Was that really the best Amren came up with? “Sorry to disappoint, sister-” She spat the word. What kind pity party did Feyre think she was putting on here? “but I haven’t had my fill of disappointing you yet.” She turned and strode to the arched doorway. It slammed shut with a clap before she could reach the escape. Nesta closed her eyes and took a breath before facing her once friends again.

Amren was standing, arms at her sides, fists balled and eyes blazing with fury. “You’re not just a disappointment to your sister, girl-” Amren sneered at her, glowering even more at Nesta’s half drunk grin. Feyre held her head in her hands, likely wondering how to get her sister back. “You’re a-” Before she could finish with some kind of threat or insult, the door was shoved open abruptly. 

Cassian walked in on what looked like an almost fight. Nesta swayed but turned to look at him. Amren didnt take her eyes off Nesta. “I heard the door and-” He began to apologize for interrupting but it looked like it was needed. Cassian knew enough about Nesta’s drinking problem that it only ever ended in her passing out or drinking into the next day. 

His heart ached for her. Seeing her like this, especially with her doing it to herself of her own accord was maddening. The guilt rode him, kept him awake some nights just to make sure a barkeep didnt try anything with her. He watched over her most nights in the first month, but after Rhys had to wake him up by shouting in his mind he was ordered to stop and leave her be.

“She will work it out in her own time” Elain had promised Cassian after he collapsed on a couch in the river side manor one day. “The only thing she’s working out is our money, and quickly.” Amren muttered from the other side of the room. She was right, Nesta’s self destruction was nothing that she was fixing by going on a bender. 

Cassian snapped back to the present as Nesta turned and glanced at his face before looking down.

“It’s fine, Amren was about to suggest a wine to me anyway.” Nesta wobbled her way over to Cassian, leaving Amren’s arms reach. Feyre’s head snapped up and looked to Cassian’s gentle - sympathetic eyes. She gave him a nod towards Nesta as she slid by him, out the door. 

“Dont try to fight her while she’s drunk. It will only end up with her vomiting or punching.” Cassian offered his advice with a glum smile. It didnt help his feeling of hopelessness as he turned to follow Nesta. 

“So were you planning on sleeping on the Sidra bridge tonight or an alleyway a block away from your apartment again?” He challenged her once he caught up. She was nearly to the front door surprisingly. Feyre’s paintings flashed by him, tinted in blue with the glow of the moon shining in.

“I dont need your shit Cassian.” She said, her voice emotionless. She flung the door open, the cool night air brisk against Cassian’s face and wings. Winter was coming in quickly, and the chill off the mountains sweeping into Velaris reminded him of soaring high above the illyrian mountains. His wings flared slightly, ready for flight. 

The thought was gone in an instant as Nesta paused before the steps of the house, as if contemplating. Cold air always sobered him up too. “Seems like you need a lift though.” He said gently, offering her his hand. She debated silently to herself. Would this be considered weak if he had offered? She glanced between his eyes, and his outstretched hand. No mocking or lingering joke was to be found on his dark features. She let out a long breath and placed her hand in his. 

And she was gone. Her stomach left below her as Cassian hurled her into his arms and took off with her, the air biting into her skin. She was sure all of Velaris heard her short scream of surprise. Her hair whipped around her as Cass adjusted to begin flying - not towards her apartment...but towards the house of wind. “Where are you taking me?” She asked breathlessly. She could see the entire city from this high. The wending river a dark ribbon separating the town.

“You’ll see, just stay warm.” He winked at her. She begrudgingly tucked her arms inwards, her hands folding on her legs that he cradled more gently than she though he would be capable of, considering how warrior-god like he was most of the time. She glanced down yet again, the lights of Velaris quickly disappeared from view.

+

Cassian knew that there was no way that she was still warm, up this high and flying as fast as he was. He wanted to get to outlook as quickly as possible for a myriad of reasons. The main one being deciding that maybe falling from a height was better than drinking herself to death. But she seemed...content in his arms. He tried to pull her closer, to share some of his extra warmth but he could tell she was holding her teeth clamped shut to keep from chattering.

“We’re almost there.” He promised, nodding forward. He could smell the fresh salty mist before he could hear it, and the sound made him smile. The wind wasn’t so bad tonight, from what he could tell. His wings weren’t fighting against the normal hurricane like wind that the sea air brought in. 

Cassian set her down slowly, letting her acclimate to standing again. He told himself his lingering hand on her lower back was to make sure she wasn’t going to drunkenly stumble over the cliff they stood upon. 

She admired the small grassy area quickly, then her focus shifted to the sea. Her lips pursed and she looked to her feet, her eyebrows scrunching. They were surrounded with the sounds of the ocean crashing and the whisper of the grass around them swaying and that was it. He hoped it was enough. Knowing it wasn’t the same as some of her packed drinking venues with cards and live music, he doubted it would be for her. He craved her approval. He cleared his throat, tucking his wings in tight to his back. He was nervous, he realized. 

This place was sort of sacred to him. Bringing her here was… vulnerable. He was a warrior but put his heart out for her to mangle at every chance possible it seemed. Sometimes he didnt know why. 

Cassian could see her cheeks were flushed red. Either from the biting cold or embarrassment, he didnt know.  “This is better than the bridges in Velaris, I suppose.” She joked lightly, pulling her hair back and untangling a few knots. Without a thought Cassian took his hair tie out, offering it to her. 

“This will help… for when we fly back.” He nodded for her to take it. His hair was shorter, and a lot easier to untangle. He would hate for her to have to cut any of hers out because he kidnapped her here. He cursed himself for choosing now to bring her to this spot. He didnt know if she would ridicule him for having such a place for himself. 

She paused before taking it, eyeing him suspiciously. When she finally accepted his offer, Cassian’s heart leapt. Maybe even a miniscule action as this meant there was some hope for her. “I like to come here when Rhys and Az are being...too much sometimes. When everything is too much.” He said, looking out towards the rocky shore below them. The tall islands of rocks sticking out from the breaking waves shone like faint beacons among the black sea. 

She stared at him, in shock. Nesta’s gaze was piercing, boring into his eyes as if she suspected him of something. Cassian stared right back at her. “Do you come here a lot?” She asked, choosing her words carefully. 

“It depends what you would consider a lot. Not as often as you visit those bars, no.” If she wanted to test him he would do it back. 

She scowled, turning away from him to face the water. “If you brought me here to ridicule me, dont bother. My sisters are already taking care of it.” The truth of the words stung, but Nesta was used to the feeling. Knowing your own truth made you impervious to other people throwing it back at you. The waves far below them crashed against the rock. Or perhaps against eachother. The white peaks in the bay below churning and rising, pushing and pulling each other endlessly. 

Cassian stepped to her side, his feet silent on the soft grass under their feet. Despite his size and warrior title, he was stealthy when he wanted to be. “I brought you out here for.. Silence I suppose.” His eyes shone in the moonlight, full of hope. Burning, pleading hope for the one he stood next to. Nesta leaned into him slightly, unconsciously. She told herself it was the wine making her sway. “It seems like you’re never getting much of it lately. I didnt know where I was going really until we were halfway here.” He stole a sidelong glance at her, her face gave away nothing. That wall was up, and not going anywhere anytime soon. 

Anger burned hot in his chest. He wanted to shake her, to throttle her and scare her until she felt the same fear he felt for her. On her behalf. He stilled himself, breathing deeply. Then he let himself fall to to the ground, staring up at the unobscured stars. She could walk back for all he cared. He knew he was lying to himself. She was locked in place, determined not to give him the attention him laying down called for. 

The stars glinted brightly despite the strength of the moon this night. Not as good as a night with no moon, but still better than Velaris. Nesta shivered as the wind brought a splash of ocean mist up from the bay. She let her statuesque form move finally, the cold too much to bear. Slowly, as if she was unfreezing each muscle, she followed him down to the ground. 

And it nearly took her breath away. The sight of so many stars was… impossible. Was there some solar event going on? She found herself agape in awe at the tiny lights shining for them. Nesta briefly tried to think back on the last time she had even looked at the sky, not to mention now with her better Fae sight. Something in her chest caught and she feigned a cough. 

Cassian could have fallen asleep there, would have loved nothing more than to be able to with her. He didnt have a doubt she would wake him up if he did fall asleep. His hair tickled his face, and he brushed it back. The moon was beginning to could, sea air making the area foggier.

Nesta shivered beside him. “I should have brought a blanket, I apologize.” Cassian sat up on his elbows. And immediately was struck at the sight of silent tears rolling down Nesta’s cheeks. She was not shivering, her chest was holding in the sobs. Like an animal tearing at its cage. He didnt know if he should look away. 

“It’s fine. We can go.” She said quickly, her voice quivering. She sat up and wiped her face. “If you’d be so kind to take me back.” There it was, that beast inside fighting back again. He sighed, pushing his way up from the ground. 

Cassian felt his chest caving in. The sight of her gaunt, and still fighting him. “Nes-”

“I said we can go now.” She snapped, wrapping her arms around herself. 

He ground his teeth together, knowing that pushing her was not the best option. He should heed his own advice to Feyre and Amren. “Right this way.” He ground, holding his arms open for her.

She wrapped her arm around his neck and they both pretended not to notice Nesta’s silent tears as they left Cassian’s point above the sea. She told herself it was because of the wind. 

She nodded off at some point, a mix of the crying and the wine making her exhausted. Cassian’s warmth and gentle arms around her lulling her into a stupor of relaxation she hadn’t known for quite some time. Not since their family’s cabin. The nightmares since the Cauldron keeping her up nightly. Possibly not even as well as in their shared bed at the cabin, with hunger pains keeping her awake at night.

Cassian took his time bringing Nesta to her room in the house of wind. He cradled her head to his chest, the soft scent of her hair was one of the most relaxing smells he had ever encountered. Every door opened on his way to her bed. He laid the thick comforter over her limp body. Her gentle face turned angry once she left his arms. His chest ached again.

“It’s going to be okay, Nes. I promise.” slight pressure on her hair accompanied the words.

The actions were so faint in her it could have been a dream. Her first good dream in a long time.

[gracereadstoomanybooks]

answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok✨

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QUESTION: how did you get into reading?

So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.

QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?

This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.

QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?

I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.

QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?

First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)

QUESTION: how old are you?

Ahem. . . twenty-one.

QUESTION: what is your dream career?

Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩

QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?

I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT

QUESTION: current favorite author?

Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.

QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?

I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.

QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?

Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.

QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?

Here’s a list:

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin

Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)

Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan

QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?

Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.

QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?

I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.

QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?

Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.

now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:

QUESTION: political views?

the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳

QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?

I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.

QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?

your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.

QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?

I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....

I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.

No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.

I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.

this question isn’t as controversial but

QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?

okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?

Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.

QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.

QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?

y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫

QUESTION: favorite movie?

Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.

QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?

I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.

well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!

[mystiqmindofmadness]

If I learned anything in this life

Its to be who you want, believe in yourself and everything you do. Fall in love with yourself, be crazy beautiful. Smile when you feel like crying because someone out there is looking up to you and goes thru their everyday unacknowledged but steady having hope and faith that they too will be like you. No matter how bad you think you have it someone around you has it ten times worse. The shy girl you smiled at and told her she was beautiful? Shes got suicidal thoughts and thinks she will never be good enough, congratulations you saved her life today. You dont give respect just to get it, thats just a common sense thing put into action. Sing like no ones watching no matter how you think you sound, its good to express how you feel without having to put it into your own words. Thats where poems and writing come in to play....self expression. Someone that loves you will never put you in a situation that jeopordizes being with you. If someone wants to see you they will make time for you no matter the schedule. Honesty is both looked highly upon and a way to avoid a headache later on in a web of bullshit lies.

I run away from everything. I dont know why I do it, or even how or when it even started. I have my days where i dont wanna be myself, I put my hair extensions in and layer on make up and put on the sexiest most extravagant outfit i can find......and I enjoy my time being beautiful. I dont feel as if im beautiful any other way righht now.

I used to be dating a man who kissed me and stopped me while i was at it and said no no no mama ima give you kissing lessons from here on out.....and made me fall more and more each time he had me do the same thing he did to me while kissing me. He would cuddle with me and snuggle up and ask me how my day went and if i was feeling okay and if i had ate or not. Wed crawl into bed and hed get real close and say come here mama.....and id lay on his chest or hed hold me while on our sides and all the sudden.....hed say......."Hi" .......that alone brings a tear to my eye because hed only do that when he could see im going thru it and needed to refocus on reality and the fact that he was right there and everything would be alright n to stop stressin. Id fall fast asleep hed be right there all thru the night , id wake up hed be all sunshine and daisys. Talkin bout wakey wakey sleepy head youre beautiful i missed you.......

You can imagine how it felt to have him tell me....come here mama.....hi.....i dont like how i feel i dont understand it i probably never will i just want you to know that im sorry for anything i may have said that hurt your feelings . I never meant to make you sad ever and I hope things for you go beyond your wildest dreams i got love for you you my ride or die shawty you was there when i needed someone.....youre a good girl robin elaine and dont let no one tell you different or destroy you.....stay beautiful....please for me. Im not gonna be here much longer i know im not i dont know how or why or when but i cant do this shit no more you hear me......and i held him close relating to how he felt.....every last word every detail is how i been feelin deep down ....we laid there and cried and held one another. I prayed he wasnt being literal or talking seriously. I was hoping no matter what that hed stay up and be strong.....Its not even about staying strong because he was a soldier. I love him still to this day hes gone but never forgotten. He lives on in my heart and I still see glimpses of him in other people and it soothes me brings me back to old times and makes me feel a little bit like i did when I wish we werent living life in the fast lane and I wish I woulda held him tighter, said i love you more often and prove it nonstop no matter what but we ended up fighting.....he ended up getting with someone who decided his fate.....we werent on speaking terms ....i hate the fact that it all played out like it did.....if we wouldnt of got into it.....where would we be? Would he still be here next to me? Would he of even had that chance to get with the chick that let it all happen......i hate that my mind is so crazy at times.....i miss you steven michael. Rest Easy.

Brings into effect dont take people forgranted tomorrow is not promised today.

Music is the simplist form of magic. When youre up you like the beat and when youre down you understand the lyrics. You feel em if they hit home.