#i dont feel like writing an essay in the tags about the context but its cool trust me its so epic. really awesome cyberpvnk stuff.

[glassesweirdo]

It wasn't the jayvik break-up song it was the jayvik forgiveness song, and somehow, that's worse.

[albireon]

thinking thinking thinking...

[ozzgin]

for the comments, im not out here trying to send hate, sorry if i sounded like that 😓 (you don't have to reply to this tho ozz, hope you dont feel pressured)

anyways, its about ur dialogue tags. i noticed that you do the comma outside the quotations.

noticed it like this - "gyatt", she purred.

"gyatt," she purred. - would be the corret way

this is really minor but its a bit distracting :-( i totally understand if its ur style tho

Anon, I was genuinely prepared to be handed some hundred-page essay about my lexical constipation and deplorable expressiveness. I had even practiced my response to your cold analysis, "I am but a charlatan of the streets and no proper author, cease your logical demands at once!"😭

Anyways, I know exactly what you're talking about. At some point I tried to make an active effort to fix the issue you mentioned, but here's the trouble: I was taught British English in school, and in British English, the location of the comma depends on context. Additionally, when writing dialogue in Romanian (my native language), we use a dash to signal it. No quotes.

"That's all," he told me.

-That's all, he told me.

In the latter case, that comma signals the end of direct speech, and so, to me, it only makes sense that I keep it out of the "official dialogue". It's a bad habit I've formed from combining both languages, I suppose. Microsoft Word doesn't consider it an error, either, hence it often goes unnoticed.

So yeah, you can consider it my sinful indulgence. I know it's there, I know it's often wrong, but it just tickles me differently. Will I ever engage in professional writing, I shall fix my delinquency.

[danothan]

YOU DIDNT ASK so im sorry in advance (especially because i wont be explaining this well) But. ill be so honest i dont think the t-shirt kon is bad in a vacuum like it could be cute 😭 i do think its genuinely kinda fun when the characters wear their own little merch. the t-shirt outfit is even kind of funny because hes literally just wearing a t-shirt and jeans 😭 i love kon no matter what!!

but in the context of the transition from young justice (the comic) and the gang "graduating" into the teen titans (vol.3) i feel like it was a regression for him. idk i read into kon and transness+being lgbt too much so ive seen interpretations of it being his internalized homo/transphobia because its also a time where he has a secret identity for the first time in small-town america... and i do enjoy that, but it was Not intended by the writes (especially considering who was writing him in the mid-late 2000s)

kon's character to start off is really about identity and the reclamation of it when he was intended to be a Thing, and how he struggled under the weight of acting like he thinks he should/expectations placed on him (especially because he did not have an alternate identity or a name at first, he was just superboy. THEN kon el and conner kent) and how he expresses himself by replacing a tag cadmus put on him with a gold earring and generally dressing in a flashy and flamboyant and alternative way

so then when we transition to the teen titans kon, they sort of......strip him of that expression of personality. hes put in a t-shirt and jeans. they take away his earring. hes put in a relationship w/ cassie sandsmark (who btw. is very wlw coded to match him in the YJ comic, and both of their designs suffered what we call the cishetifcation) that is ultimately so bad for their characters (meanwhile kon is written into the most gay coded friendship w/ tim drake for like. a decade.)

and the young justice cartoon is an adaptation that was attempting to take the teen titans run from the 80s i believe? and young justice 98-2003, AND the 00's teen titans run. (decades of story to work with and way too many characters and groups, leads the cartoon to, in my opinion, suffer from a too many cooks situation)

and it does not handle kons character very well at all either </3 AND they used the t-shirt design while sticking him in a very unhealthy relationship w/ a character hes never really interacted w/ much in the comics. so umm. TL;DR very mixed feelings on t-shirt conner

i do recommend reading young justice though <3 (AND IM GLAD YOU LIKE MY DESIGN !! tysm <333 the curly hair is a must <3) sorry for the essay i just wanted to expand on why i put the t-shirt boy in the "sigh" categories 😭

ah, when i said i liked t-shirt conner, i didn’t mean the outfit, i was specifically referring to the young justice cartoon’s characterization ^^; i do acknowledge that it was a mixed bag that was forced to cherrypick years of history as an adaptation, and i get why conner fans don’t see him as Their Conner, but i’m gonna be so real with you. i liked him a lot in the cartoon 😭 as a standalone show, the first season does a rly good job of letting you understand his struggles and thought process, there were a lot of moments that endeared me to his angst while also letting him still feel like a kid. but i think i’m also biased towards characters that default to anger as a trauma response (completely unrelated to recent events believe it or not! wacky coincidence tho! foreshadowing even…?)

conner and m’gann’s relationship was def not the most interesting to me, but it’s also not the worst one. i have other biases against. other couples. but i’m curious to see how it develops bc unhealthy or not, i wanna see how it affects the characters, ykwim? like i’m not in it for the shipping, even if we All know there’s a better conner ship U__U

idk i just feel worn out by comics cynicism bc while i get it (i’m a hal fan, by god do i get it), i also don’t want to treat anything in dc too sacred. it’s more fun for me personally to view new iterations/adaptations as puzzles to work out rather than view them as character assassinations if even that. there are some truly unsalvageable things out there, but i generally think there’s smth good to gain in everything. and the young justice cartoon gave me a t-shirt conner to gain in my heart, so i can’t fault his character change too much as drastic as it is

all of this to say tho: the alt look is obviously superior. NOTHING beats a cropped jacket <3

[spanishskulduggery]

hello.

my fluency goal is to be able to flow when i think and talk in spanish. like, not having to really pause every couple seconds to think about what i want to say.

i felt i had a good grasp on simple beginner vocab, so ive been trying to learn more vocab by thinking in spanish, and then writing down words that i dont know the spanish word for so i can look it up later.

thing is, there is a lot i dont know and its very overwhelming cause i feel like i'll never be able to learn this much.

at what "level" of proficiency does that feeling go away if ever?

is there some sort of beginner - intermediate- advanced vocab list i should just follow instead?

That's a fairly common feeling.

I felt like that until I started to take literature classes in Spanish. Occasionally there were words or expressions I didn't know, but our little booklets were anthology workbooks that had vocab/expressions listed on the side with the English

I feel like I got a lot out of those books because we had our assigned readings, but I could also just read the other stories if I wanted and it was useful practice

That being said - it largely depends on your level

There are certain words or expressions even I don't know. At my level, it's typically very specific topics like names of plants, or medical terminology, or sometimes more technical things

I still very much feel like I'm not fluent when I find myself reading something that's lyrical or slang OR when it's classical literature and the sentence structure throws me off entirely

I have found personally that I feel more confident when I read a page of text and I know more words than words I don't. If I can make it through a whole page without difficulty, I feel really good about myself

You also don't learn a lot of vocab unless you're specifically using a lot of vocab, because it's harder to memorize something that you don't find that useful.

There are also a lot of words that I can't tell what they are, but by context I sort of understand what the general thing is - usually in my case it's names of plants/trees or animals. It would be like listing la luciérnaga in a list with things like las hormigas "ants" or las abejas "bees" - I naturally assume it's an insect; and la luciérnaga is "firefly"

Sometimes with verbs I can sort of work out what it means by context. I would say try to read a whole sentence and see if you can figure out what it means by context; sometimes you can't, but sometimes you can feel it out

-

Otherwise I have my Vocabulario Tag and I'd specifically recommend looking for the list of random words rather than specific topics (unless you want to) because it gives a bigger assortment of things

I'll also try and find some of my anthology books to give people titles in case they want to read something more specifically geared towards language learning and forming responses; these are the types of books I used in high school and college to help you form your thoughts about something for essays or exams

Potentially you might find some use out of Memrise - which is a site where you can make your own flashcards and a lot of people can make their own flashcards available for other people to see and use; with languages you kind of have to take it with a grain of salt because sometimes the ones I’ve seen don’t mark the gender of the words or they don’t provide enough context on some words, but overall very helpful if you can curate your own experience

[frogsinajar]

please pleeease post the essay i am so curious now

Sure thing! I exaggerated a bit on the length since I was writing it in the tags but like, lemme see if I can actually make it coherent now lmao

The gist of it is that Rust and Marty have a lot of friction, that friction is really dependent on the context of the story they are in and a lot of its beats, so I dont wish to compare the characters completely under that light (Since they arent similar in that fashion), however, there are plenty of similarities in which the characters deal with their situations to what Dirk and June kind of are like.

Dirk can come off as a pretentious douchebag who has a tendency to communicate through esoteric tangents, much to the chagrin to whoever he is talking to. Rust talks in a similar way, however, he does it out of cynicism and a disillusionment with life (aka edgy), while Dirk doesn’t. Its been a while since I sat down and read act 6 so I dont completely trust my instincts on saying that Dirk does it only because he’s a smartass and has a hard time communicating properly, but the point still stands in how they both talk with others.

June, on the other hand, has a tendency to try and simplify things, which leads her to having two modes; nice, and asshole. She is nice by default because it comes easier to her, but as soon as shit gets complicated, she’d rather be an asshole than think too hard about the situation at hand, specially in moments of introspection.

Marty has a similar way of responding, though he does it out of trying to keep a sense of normalcy. He’d rather people think he is nice when he is not, and Rust gets under his skin way easy with how he spins his esoteric bullshit and how it challenges the life Marty knows. He becomes a short fused guy just by virtue of being with someone who sees right through his shit and has the gall to comment on it.

So, both pairs have completely different contexts and situations, but the way they respond are similar and leads to a possible comparison with how they would deal with each others bullshit. Of course, this makes it so the deeper nuances of both relationships would differ, since Rust and Marty’s relationship is very dependent of the story it is woven into (and it is a very different story from homestuck, mind you), but on a surface level, I do think it is a valid way of seeing how their relationship would be. And it would also be hilarious, like, we already get a little bit of it with Jane and Dirk, but Jane I feel will tolerate some bullshit, while June tends to be less patient (both depending on context of course), so I think that kind of friction between them would be really funny.

On that note however, I always thought that June and Dirk could have a nice friendship, the way they are a foil to each other in certain aspects could allow them to keep each other in check, kinda like June and Rose do, though in a much rockier way, so I felt the comparison that @telltaletypist made was pertinent. It doesnt need to be as deep as I might be making it sound, but its fun to try and make a more serious case for it, like you could simply say that one wants to be simple minded and the other isnt and they would clash a lot because of that.

Anyway, as much as I may like writing, the moment I get into literary analysis I stumble a lot over my words and thoughts lmao, so I hope I managed to communicate the way I see it properly. Also, I am generalizing a bit for the purpose of not digressing too much and having to like, actually sit down and do a thorough research and redaction, since character analysis invites so many possible readings, but I hope it was sufficient.

Also, I recommend wholeheartedly the first season of True Detective, like, it has some of my favorite writing and it does things with a hardened detective story I had never seen before (its not like I watch that many but still), HOWEVER, I gotta warn people that it is quite a graphic show, nudity and violence wise, really actually, it could be an upsetting watch, or at least an incredibly awkward one if you end up watching it with your parents in the room. I dunno about the other two seasons, though a fourth one is in development with the pilot written and directed by Issa López which is fucking rad.

[j4nn4s]

rules:

always repost the rules

answer the questions given to you by the one who tagged you!

give 11 questions

tag 11 people

i was tagged by @isakvdhflorenzi, ty miss lorena <3 1. Is the social media presence of the characters important to how you view the quality of the remake/show?

hm well skam nl is my favorite and their social media game is trash LMAOOO so generally No but i do feel like remakes who DO have such a good presence kind of elevate the show and i think it’s pretty heartwarmin to see some remakes go sm farther than skam with social media and puttin out educational and IN CHARA resources like skames does this so well and i feel like in that way, the team is really really spreadin skam’s spirit via these resources (like joana’s billion bpd awareness ig accounts and lucas rubio’s yt channel)

2. Least favourite clip of the show? Why?

tbh there are definitely some duds but probably one of the clips with sana gettin herself into a hole in s4 just bc some were hard to watch cus cringey or yikes .... idk i cant think of others LMAO

3. Which character did you feel the most connected to and why?

ijeoiqjiwoij even tho even is my all time fave skam chara, i have to say isak for all of these reasons 

4. Your least favourite part of every season?

season 1 - tbh even though i really enjoyed this season, it does take a while for it to build up like i rmr at first not being that interested until ep6 maybe ?? which is hard when you’re trying to get your friends to watch but they have to wait until ep6 before shit starts RLLY buildin up and gettin wild

season 2 - hm ig noora chasin after william ??

season 3 - bro NOTHINGGG call me a purist but its such a refined masterpiece like the pacing is good the characterization is so good ugh i deadass cant think of anythin

season 4 - i always felt a little ??? w noora being sana’s bff ig bc from s1-s3 it didn’t Feel like they were that close like even in noora’s pov, sana wasn’t really a part of it that much ?? like eva was more of noora’s bff ?? so i feel like it would have made more sense if maybe sana spoke more with chris or vilde bc sana and vilde eventually seemed to get closer esp with kosegruppa and chris has always been by sana’s side ?? idk that always confused me

5. What is your opinion on the cast’s participation on social media? Do you prefer it when the cast aren’t that involved like the Skam cast, or do you like a lot of content like the Fr cast do?

tbh i don’t care much abt the casts LMAOOO if anythin it kind of brings more harm as seen with the harassment axel and maxence get and also can bring more controversy like with irene (which honestly is p sad considerin how much i love skames bc now i feel super :/ watchin it like she shouldve just had private accts at this point)

6. Favourite song you found from Skam or the remakes?

OMFGGG love this question .... def doorman by slowthai and mura masa bc its one of my fave songs now and i got it from skam nl <3 ugh taste

7. If you could decide which characters from Skam got a season, who would you choose?

OOOHHH ugh torn bc i like isak’s pov but also i want even’s so might have to forfeit isak season for even season ....... hm so probs vilde, sana, even, noora (maybe not w william tho) and honestly maybe jonas too ??

8. Are there any moments that you liked in the show that everyone else seems to hate?

IJXDWQOIJJ yes .... remakes-wise, people hate skam nl s2’s last half but i enjoyed it for the most part ... i think the pacing was off for the last ep but personally, clip 50 made up for it and is p god tier imo ..... and also don’t think the first half of ep10 is enough to discredit the entire season bc i rlly loved seeing liv’s pov and have sm fave moments from the season 

but skam wise, omg might get a lil controversial w this one IM SORRY !!! im bein honest and its Just my opinion ok 

personally s2 got me more invested than s1 and i don’t think its a super bad season like i didnt really say many problems wrong with it until i got on tumblr wiejioqjoiqjq i was sort of interested in the questions that the noora/william dynamic brought up which is, as expressed in william’s war speech to noora, that nothing is ever black/white which i feel was a huge message and feeds into the ‘you never know what ppl are going through’ theme of the season ... like i like the idea of someone like noora, who can have a black/white mentality (as seen in the first clip of s2 when she tells vilde that they can’t have the tannin company as their sponsor bc they objectify women or smth but misses the context and what it could mean for the bus monetarily bc shes caught up in bein ‘woke’) having to break out of that and see more than one side ... and i think remakes like skam austin expanded on this idea well like when zoya was like ‘must be so nice being right all the time’ which i Do feel like is an important for youth to know today .... bc i think its so easy to get caught up in the idea of being so objectively right and morally superior that people lose sight of the more nuanced characteristics to life ... (omg long ramble BUT)

also LMAOOOOO this one might be more controversial as it pertains to bench scene s4 ok oops again doNT GOTTA AGREE !! ........ but i feel like the scene had a lot of good intentions ... i was def kind of cringing a bit tho bc i understand the subject’s sensitivity and how these topics are hard to talk about but i genuinely feel like they both made Some points and should listen to each other .... like as Hard and as maybe ‘unwoke’ it is to admit, unfortunately you sort of do have to answer the tough questions bc that way we learn from each other .... and i perfectly understand why some ppl wouldn’t want to do this and i certainly am tired abt havin to answer shit abt my sexuality or stupid male questions abt women but if u dont answer them, people do go lookin for answers still and the internet is such a shitty place that its pretty easy (esp with youtube’s algorithm) to lead you to ignorant ppl and perhaps radicalization .... questions help us to better understand our community and sometimes they can have good intentions too but we have to ask and answer them or else people will make up answers (which ive literally seen and its honestly worse to see fake as shit and UNINFORMED answers bc ppl did not want to ask you or ppl of ur identity, esp when they’re already startin from a place of hate .... but i rather have ppl ask me patronizing questions than have them spread false info bc that can do much more harm in the long run) however i DO think that isak should also consider sana’s side and i sort of wish we saw him conceding more bc they both have smth to learn from one another, like sana shouldn’t just be learnin from isak, isak needs to learn from sana too

PHEW SORRY QWIOJQWIO girl i just got opinions on some things this is when my desc rlly comes in handy .... oqjdwqioj

9. What did you learn from the show?

omg honestly too much to write here tbh ..... but if it says anythin im (very slowly) in the works of a three part skam essay about basically how skam teaches us to be better humans and how to better treat the people we care about diowjqioj essentially the three biggest themes of the show: you never know what someone is going through so always be kind, always communicate with your friends, and no person is ever alone and i feel like these are definitely rlly good messages to live by (also livet er nå BITCH !!!)

10. What is your favourite headcanon about your favourite characters?

omg tbh i could not tell u at all how the skam charas are doing except i hope even is okay thats all im thinkin of ok .... OIWXIOJX omg remakes wise tho ..... honestly im so bad at this girl IDK !!!!! LMAO i have to really think i have a bit of vdh and dutch even but thats bc we know like Zero abt them so its easier oijwiojqio idk liv and noah bein cute as shit ..... OH WAIT personally i feel like janna got a bunch of pansexual energy so my BIGGG hc is that she’s pan also bc she’s one of my all time fave charas and my fkn url so itd be dope if she was pan ok boom

11. What is your opinion on fanfiction in the fandom?

tbh i don’t read skam fanfiction but i don’t mind reading some from the remakes (tho still its rare) ... eiojeioqw i just don’t trust anyone but julie to write skam charas bc i think that’s how precious the show is to me LMAO like idk everything ive seen of skam fanfiction and ficlets and one shots, i could never get into bc the tone is just so out of character or there will be lines that just take me out of the fic bc im like this !!!! is not !!! how the chara acts !!!! so yeah idk not rlly a fan bc of my purist ass but i dont mind others reading it

Questions:

1. Favorite quote of the show?

2. Which country would you like to see have the next remake? Do you have any headcanons?

3. Which season would you rewrite and how would you rewrite it?

4. What clips do you personally like or don’t mind, but others hate?

5. Which songs do you think SKAM or the remakes should have included? For which moments?

6. Who would you give SKAM season five to and what topics and themes would it cover?

7. What moment spoke to you or touched you from SKAM the most?

8. How did you find SKAM? How did you feel about it right after watching?

9. Have you shared SKAM with any friends in real life? What did they think of it?

10. Of the remakes, which characters are your favorite of their SKAM counterparts? (Ex. who is the best Vilde remake? Eva? etc.)

11. How do you feel about the SKAM (and remakes) tumblr fandom?

I tag: @smileykeijser @whatadaze @queenofpurgatoryx @itlukey @skamyeets @shaykeijser @megeliz01 @isakcijser @wackpainterkid @axelauriantblot @kar-d-momme

(omg ik some of yall have been tagged so just ignore if u dont want to do it ok im srry it was in the RULES!)

[kaitlez]

i feel like subordinate (affectionate) has got to be the funniest thing ive ever read ngl

this fake grown ass man's emotional issues are not anyone else's problem but his own if he can't figure out how to act right at 30 that's on him

and i wasnt supposing a general "everyone has to feel this way" because the analysis i gave was for one specific point of contention. family is only one aspect of the situation and not the only thing i discussed. no one denies jgs is horrible. nmj wanted jgy to further his goals with the recommendation letter he writes and wouldn't hold him if he wished to leave. there are certainly many comparisons between wwx's and jgy's circumstances. jc didnt care to change wwx's position nor how people viewed him bc he didnt attempt to even when he had the power to do so. you could argue jc saw wwx as more than his births circumstances of a servant's son all you want but when it comes down to it, jc's own actions are self-serving because he doesn't want to let wwx. because wwx does explain what he's doing and what he wants to do which is protect the wens, jc just doesn't understand why

PSA for “canon jiang cheng” folks:

please stop using the “subordinate” thing as a basis for your arguments. that word does not mean what you seem to think it means.

y’all talk about jc asking wwx to be his subordinate as if it’s like some show of disrespect. some of y’all literally use it as “evidence” that jc “never cared about wwx” and that he “never viewed wwx as anything but a servant” but like.

my friends. subordinate literally just means “someone with a lower rank (than someone else).” it does not carry any connotations of subservience, servitude, lesser worth, or disrespect.

you understand how sect leadership works in mdzs, yes? there is One (1) sect leader.

Everyone who is Not the sect leader, but is affiliated with that sect, is Subordinate to the Sect Leader.

nobody ever claims that lan xichen didn’t care about lan wangji, lan qiren, or any of the juniors, even though they were all subordinate to him as the sect leader.

nobody ever claims that jin guangshan viewed madame jin, jin zixuan, or jin zixun as “just servants” or even servants at all, even though they were all subordinate to him as the sect leader.

hell, nobody even claims that nie mingjue viewed meng yao as “just a servant,” even when meng yao actually WAS a servant!

that’s just how leadership works! being subordinate isn’t a bad thing!! it’s just “a person who has a boss”

“right-hand-man” IS a subordinate position to “sect leader,” and it’s also literally the highest position jc could have given wwx without quite literally making wwx sect leader!

so like. unless you ARE legitimately arguing that jiang cheng should have forced wei wuxian to become sect leader of yunmengJiang, just…please drop it.

that word Does Not mean what you Think it means. the thing you are Mad about is Made Up. please just let it go.

[intearsaboutrobots]

15 QUESTIONS, 15 MUTUALS

thanks @paladinical for the tag!

Are you named after someone?:

i didn’t name me after anyone, altho for a while i went by/considered going by jules, which was after my Boy dr. julian bashir (That One Episode in season 5 #confirmed that hes a) perfect b) autistic and c) trans I Don’t Make The Rules)

When was the last time you cried?:

uhh gosh i’m not sure.. maybe after my break-up, thats certainly the hardest i’ve ever cried. so like almost 2 months ago (for 2 straight days rip... Shit Was Rough)

Do you have kids?:

only my ocs/favs, my perfect idiot children

Do you use sarcasm a lot?:

yeah? i think partially bc im good at being deadpan so its easier to communicate if my words are also sarcastic if that makes sense, and also bc Talking Directly Abt Stressful/Painful Things Is For Nerds

What’s the first thing you notice about people?:

h uh i guess it depends on the context... this sounds mean but it might be “how good are you doing the thing we’re doing right now,” so at work its like cool how good are you at Being At Work, or in social situations its like how good are you performing Being In A Social Interaction. 

and to hopefully make it clear that my social circles are not a weird meritocracy i would like to clarify that a) its bc i’m also doing this internally all the time always and b) it’s not like a value judgement i dont think ppl are Bad bc theyre not good at this thing, sometimes i’m also bad at the thing and we can bond over that, it’s just a thing i notice

What’s your eye color?:

hazel

Scary movies or happy endings?:

All. i lov a good spooky flick but if it ends bad then That Scary Things Out There And Could Kill Me. probably happy endings wins here bc i honestly want that on everything, provided its an Honest happy ending. like you gotta do the work to earn the catharsis and the happiness, and depending on the story? sometimes thats a l ot of work. enemies-to-friends-to-lovers is a long fuckin trip and its gotta b a rocky road, but the catharsis and the reward is the thing i like there

(exception: i lov me a good fated tragedy. see: hamlet and also every mechanisms album ever, but thats a different thing of like, there being a narrative symmetry and the ending still feels like a closed loop)

Any special talents?:

uhhh i got stuff i’m good at but idk that it’s Special?

i own at crazy 8′s thats a fact

Where were you born?:

the pacific northwest baybee!!!! got evergreens in my bones 

What are your hobbies?:

chat rp lmao, i lov some hcs that just Get Away from you

also knitting, crochet also of late, sewing a little, writing occasionally,

 ...............data analysis, which is the nerdiest fuckin thing but i like analysing and interpreting information and then figuring out what the colours on this line graph should b to best communicate that

Do you have any pets?:

naw

How tall are you?:

5′7″, which is stATISTICALLY ABOVE AVERAGE i hav wIKIPEDIAED IT

What sports do you play/have played?:

lol i briefly played both softball and volleyball as a youth. neither stuck

Favorite subject at school?:

physics!! and math and chemistry after that. i also liked english and french a lot

in university i added to that list: linguistics (3 credits short of a minor!!) and latin

Dream job?:

LIBRARIAN (PLS THE LIBRARY IF UR READING THIS HIRE ME I’VE APPLIED LIKE 4 TIMES)

for real tho this is the thing i picked when i was 16 and u had to pick what u’d do after high school. my original plan was:

graduate

go to librarian school

work in big room,, full of book

and then i found out that a library degree was a graduate degree so you needed a different one first, but that there wasn’t a rule abt what it was, so 16-year-old me was like cool ok so, i dont wanna write essays - the sciences. within that i like chem and physics the best, and the physics teacher is more fun so that i guess for 4 years

and despite this being a wild and barely considered plan i’m still into it??? physics is dope, dont wanna do it as a job but it’s fascinating and i’m glad i hav a degree in it, and i still wanna b a librarian even if the reasons hav shifted towards libraries as a place where theres no price tag on resources. it seems like a job where i can help ppl, use my customer service skills that i lov, and also ofc Big Room,, Full of Book

this was very fun!! and i’m tagging @possessed-radios @kalgalen @serendipitouscontaminant @wunderwirker @magictavern @notquiteaghost and oh gosh i can’t think of 15 ppl but pls feel free to tag urself if u wanna do this

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Hi!! So this is an honest question so i hope it doesnt come off as rude or anything- but doesn't the thought that everything you post here can be reblogged make you more reserved or anything? Idk how to explain it but whenever i wanna post something here i think about doing it for a super long time to be sure i want it to possibly be on the internet forever- but i see you're comfortable with sharing pretty personal stuff so i was just wondering if it affected you any way or maybe it was just me?

lmaooo it’s cool!!! there’s an unending AMA going on here and off the top of my head i can’t think of anything off-limits to ask about

it’s definitely not just you!! out of the ppl i know off the top of my head i’m probably really far and away doing the Most airing my bullshit. if you ultimately don’t like the idea of stuff just kinda sitting around to be seen by Anyone, that’s valid and there’s no problem with feeling like that makes you wanna Not Post some stuff

like this is especially true for young teens on the soche media…hell i just entirely threw out the blog i’d had from like 14 -18, and not because i was particularly embarrassed or anything, it just felt mostly obsolete. you can become someone so different in even one year and that’s fine and you might not want Old Venting and the like just sitting around out there. it’s definitely okay to be real private about that kinda stuff

i know sometimes ppl having sorta Compromises where maybe they’ll create a second blog / account specifically for talking abt personal stuff, and then only maybe allow friends (or nobody) to access it; or people will just tag everything with Delete Later and then go back and delete it later so it’s not out there forever, or just because they find it embarrassing soon afterwards lol

for my part, there’s definitely multiple reasons i pretty much don’t care

1. i never used to Vent post back in the early days. but one of my earliest examples maybe was this sudden essay i dumped on my blog when i was 16? 17? abt how unhappy i was at home. it took me till i was 18 to really start to realize that what i’d always lived with was literally abuse, and it was things like The Sudden Venting Essay that really helped me put it all into words and be able to organize my thoughts enough to write about it and realize that there was a lottttt of shit i was rly miserable about2. ever since then really i’ve found that when i write about something, whether messaging it to someone or just posting it in general, a ton of times it helps me kinda make connections or figure something out or just feel like i have a better grasp on an idea.3. even after i started maybe doing the occasional venting post, for a long time i was really hesitant about it, but this was mostly b/c i felt like i didn’t have ~real~ enough problems and/or nobody would really care. as for the former, well yesterday i was saying how i still have this underlying feeling that i’m an imposter / don’t count / not REALLY as ___ as other people or whatever, so i’m still working on that, but it definitely doesn’t upset me as much as it might back in the day. re: the latter—tbh i dont care if nobody cares. i write abt personal shit b/c i care. my entire blog is About and Because i care, and if other people care, great, if they don’t, ok.4. a lot of this is about having compassion for myself. i don’t look down on other people for making personal posts, so i don’t look down on myself, either. 5. more self-compassion: there’s probably olden text posts from the early days of this blog that don’t even sound like me coz my Outer Demeanor has changed a lot these past 5 or 2 or 1 yrs. but even if i stumbled across some Old Post of mine and was like “lmfao whats up w THIS loser” it’s like….well, i’m sympathetic to my Earlier Selves. this applies to like, me never deleting Late Night Sad Posts or whatever (even tho nowadays they’re never exactly like i’m upset, maybe just Melancholy or in a mood to talk abt something saddish) coz i’m like, well, even though rn i don’t feel like i Need this post, back then i did feel like venting to feel better! and that’s fine. i don’t find that embarrassing. it’s like if you’re thirsty on one day and you drink some water and at some random point during the next evening when you’re not thirsty you think back on that time you were drinking water and you’re like “wow, embarrassing.” well clearly its not a perfect analogy but the point is sometimes you might feel you need to talk, and sometimes you don’t, and both times are ok. its not an embarrassment to have been upset6. this blog is the most personal thing in the world for me lmao its my Main social media presence, goes back five yrs, and for like. well the whole five years its been what keeps me from being way more isolated than i am. irl friends have been long distance this whole time (save a couple exceptions) and mostly my way to talk to ppl has been on here. this was especially important when i was at my parents house for a couple yrs. it was fairly awful and being able to be in touch w ppl and being able to SAY it was awful was clearly important, and i became more inclined to write abt shit rather than hold myself back b/c my being able to say anything was important7. i still talk about things b/c being able to say anything here to people in the outside world is important8. i can’t be like “i cant talk abt this b/c its not important/interesting enough” coz if i did i wouldn’t talk abt anything. i just write b/c i have things to say, and this is my pointless blog9. i don’t expect i’ll ever become Well Known in any circles. for me the more likely concern is kinda disappearing either due to dying or incarceration or some other shit scenario. the times i talk on here are good b/c that hasnt happened yet and i have the option10. even if i did become well known, i don’t really care.11. also for uh…all the times i was living in my parents house thru my life i was really really isolated. for eons i was used to nobody knowing shit abt me and keeping p much all my thoughts to myself. nowadays this blog is what lets me be able to sorta Known and Seen and able to get in touch w ppl if we wanna. basically, there’s nothing TOO personal. i’m not even trying to push myself to “overshare” coz like i said, p much nothing is offlimits. i’ve just had a lifetimes worth of being very invisible and unknown to anyone12. actually i can still be very cagey abt myself in person. learning to be more open On Here is a bit helpful for that. 13. idk that anyone else would give a shit about old vent posts from me either. when i talk abt me im talking abt *me*, its really not even vaguely interesting when removed even one degree from that specific context. 14. maybe there’s the chance some shit will happen to be Relatable to other ppl and somehow helpful to them15. for example, a lot of how i realized i was actually experiencing abuse for real was thru anecdotal / qualitative posts abt it. sometimes there’s shit you think is Just You only b/c nobody else who it applies to is talking about it yknow16. maybe making it seem less a big deal to talk abt your bullshit if i unapologetically talk abt my bullshit17. i remember my younger self feeling like i didnt ~deserve~ to talk abt my own thoughts & feelings the way other ppl did coz mine weren’t as good, so i kinda do it for them / in celebration of no longer feeling that way18. i actually like to talk. i just usually can’t. irl i very very very very rarely talk at length about myself, i don’t talk much at all. for me this is where i get to talk19. hmm i may have skipped or forgotten something obvious but hey. for now, there’s this. no-limits milo they call me

[crumpledjournal]

5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at