#anyway i hope i’m not sounding dismissive of your passion! i think it’s very justified and i admire your dedication to the character

[danothan]

YOU DIDNT ASK so im sorry in advance (especially because i wont be explaining this well) But. ill be so honest i dont think the t-shirt kon is bad in a vacuum like it could be cute 😭 i do think its genuinely kinda fun when the characters wear their own little merch. the t-shirt outfit is even kind of funny because hes literally just wearing a t-shirt and jeans 😭 i love kon no matter what!!

but in the context of the transition from young justice (the comic) and the gang "graduating" into the teen titans (vol.3) i feel like it was a regression for him. idk i read into kon and transness+being lgbt too much so ive seen interpretations of it being his internalized homo/transphobia because its also a time where he has a secret identity for the first time in small-town america... and i do enjoy that, but it was Not intended by the writes (especially considering who was writing him in the mid-late 2000s)

kon's character to start off is really about identity and the reclamation of it when he was intended to be a Thing, and how he struggled under the weight of acting like he thinks he should/expectations placed on him (especially because he did not have an alternate identity or a name at first, he was just superboy. THEN kon el and conner kent) and how he expresses himself by replacing a tag cadmus put on him with a gold earring and generally dressing in a flashy and flamboyant and alternative way

so then when we transition to the teen titans kon, they sort of......strip him of that expression of personality. hes put in a t-shirt and jeans. they take away his earring. hes put in a relationship w/ cassie sandsmark (who btw. is very wlw coded to match him in the YJ comic, and both of their designs suffered what we call the cishetifcation) that is ultimately so bad for their characters (meanwhile kon is written into the most gay coded friendship w/ tim drake for like. a decade.)

and the young justice cartoon is an adaptation that was attempting to take the teen titans run from the 80s i believe? and young justice 98-2003, AND the 00's teen titans run. (decades of story to work with and way too many characters and groups, leads the cartoon to, in my opinion, suffer from a too many cooks situation)

and it does not handle kons character very well at all either </3 AND they used the t-shirt design while sticking him in a very unhealthy relationship w/ a character hes never really interacted w/ much in the comics. so umm. TL;DR very mixed feelings on t-shirt conner

i do recommend reading young justice though <3 (AND IM GLAD YOU LIKE MY DESIGN !! tysm <333 the curly hair is a must <3) sorry for the essay i just wanted to expand on why i put the t-shirt boy in the "sigh" categories 😭

ah, when i said i liked t-shirt conner, i didn’t mean the outfit, i was specifically referring to the young justice cartoon’s characterization ^^; i do acknowledge that it was a mixed bag that was forced to cherrypick years of history as an adaptation, and i get why conner fans don’t see him as Their Conner, but i’m gonna be so real with you. i liked him a lot in the cartoon 😭 as a standalone show, the first season does a rly good job of letting you understand his struggles and thought process, there were a lot of moments that endeared me to his angst while also letting him still feel like a kid. but i think i’m also biased towards characters that default to anger as a trauma response (completely unrelated to recent events believe it or not! wacky coincidence tho! foreshadowing even…?)

conner and m’gann’s relationship was def not the most interesting to me, but it’s also not the worst one. i have other biases against. other couples. but i’m curious to see how it develops bc unhealthy or not, i wanna see how it affects the characters, ykwim? like i’m not in it for the shipping, even if we All know there’s a better conner ship U__U

idk i just feel worn out by comics cynicism bc while i get it (i’m a hal fan, by god do i get it), i also don’t want to treat anything in dc too sacred. it’s more fun for me personally to view new iterations/adaptations as puzzles to work out rather than view them as character assassinations if even that. there are some truly unsalvageable things out there, but i generally think there’s smth good to gain in everything. and the young justice cartoon gave me a t-shirt conner to gain in my heart, so i can’t fault his character change too much as drastic as it is

all of this to say tho: the alt look is obviously superior. NOTHING beats a cropped jacket <3

[inkandpen22]

Young Hearts Divided (6/?)

Pairing: Sirius Black x Female!Reader / James Potter x Female!Reader 

Warnings: Swearing, Smut, mentions of underage drinking

Word Count: 3.3k

Part Summary: Y/N, James, and Sirius wake up the day after the party with no recollection of what happened. Then, while Y/N is studying with Lily it hits her like a ton of bricks. 

Masterlist

Massive, horrible, no good, very bad, migraine. This day is going to be miserable. All I can do is thank the universe that we don’t have classes today. I did, however, promise Lily that I’d help her on our Potions project. Marlene is our other partner, but based on the fact that she’s wasn’t moving this morning, I don’t think she’s going to make it.

Gathered around our usual spot at the Gryffindor table, I spot my friends as soon as I enter the Dining Hall. Lily and Remus appear normal, along with Peter. James and Sirius, look like real shit. James’s head keeps slipping out of his hand and Sirius is sporting sunglasses, real unsuspicious. I ease down onto the bench beside Lily with a groan. Similar to James, I rest my chin in my hand, barely awake.

“And it’s alive,” Lily teases, already pouring me some much-needed coffee.

“Gremlins are pickaxing my brain,” I whine.

“That’s what you get for dividing up a bottle of Firewhiskey with Marlene,” she ridicules lightly.

“What?” I frown. “I don’t remember doing that?”

“What do you remember?” Remus interjects, his eyes peeking out over his book.

I struggle to recall much of anything. I remember the game, getting back to the tower, changing, people arriving at the Common Room.

“Do you remember dancing on the table?” Lily snickers, picking up my plate to make it.

My jaw drops, “I did what?!”

“Oh yeah!” Peter lights up.

James starts to giggle, “hehe, I remember.”

I reach across the table weakly and bop him on the head.

“Ouch! Headache!” He whines and rubs his hair to ease the assault.

“I don’t remember that,” Sirius finally speaks up, his voice groggy.

“You don’t?!” James gasps, glancing at his best friend beside. “It was the best thing I’ve ever seen! She looked like a goddess, by far the best dancer to ever be in Gryffindor! Oh, and let me remind you of the red leather skirt! I-”

“Thank you, James!” I shut him down before he gets started. “We get it!”

“No, I don’t think we do,” Sirius snickers and nudges his friend to go on.

James shifts in his seat to face Sirius, “well you see, it had two zip-”

With a stone-faced expression, Remus closes his book with a deep sigh and swats James on the back of the head.

“Ouch! Headache!” James shouts at his friend on his other side.

Remus ignores him fussing and opens his book to where he left off.

James mumbles complaints under his breath as he turns back to face the table. He rubs the back of his head with a pout.

“Did anything else happen?” I question, almost afraid to ask.

“I don’t remember what you did after that,” James informs.

“Sirius was the one who got you down,” Remus interjects, not even glancing up from his textbook.

My attention flickers from Remus to Sirius. He removes his sunglasses and peers past James at his studious friend. His brows are scrunch together in evident confusion.

“I did?”

Remus hums while he flips his page. “Like you Santa Clause with his sack.” His eyes quickly meet mine, “not to compare you to a heavy sack of toys, Y/N.”

“You’re fine, Remus,” I dismiss, knowing that boy would never intentionally insult me.

Sirius hum, visibly racking his mind to the memory. “What about after that?” He questions.

“Don’t know,” Remus mumbles. “You disappeared after that.”

Sirius looks at me and I hold up my hands. “No idea,” I tell him.

“Well you guys ended up in your beds, so you probably helped her to bed,” Peter reasons.

Sirius and I nod in unison, trying really hard to remember, but to no avail. Then, we shrug and continue with breakfast. It’ll come to us eventually. Peter is probably right, Sirius and I have gotten drunk together loads of times. We always end up in our beds at the time of night somehow. It was probably just like any other night.

__________________________________________

Lily and I have been in the library for most of the afternoon trying to finish up this stupid project. I swear Slughorn has it out for us. He wants us to fail his class and glorify the kids in his idiotic Slug Club like dear Lily here. My mind starts to wander to breakfast this morning which makes me think of last night. I can’t believe Marlene and I danced on the study table to Bowie. Then again, Marlene would make that happen.

“Are you excited about Hogsmeade this weekend?” Lily asks quietly as she writes.

I sway my head from side to side. “Kinda, I’m sorta nervous to go with James.”

“Take me then,” she jokes.

I laugh for a second, then a sudden sense of deja vu crosses my mind. My face falls and I lean forward. “Could you repeat that?” I whisper so Madame Prince doesn’t hear me.

She peers up from her paper, “I was just kidding-”

“No, yeah I know, just say it again,” I wave along.

“Take me then?” She repeats slowly, staring at me like I have three heads.

I repeat the phrase in my head like a broken record. Where have I heard that before? It sounds so familiar like it’s important or something. Then, it hits me like a smack across the face.

“Holy-” I cover my mouth.

Madame Prince shushes me instantly. “No yelling!”

Lily struggles not to burst out laughing. “What was that about?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all,” I blurt out and hurry to gather my things. I rise from my seat and start shoving things into my bag. “Excuse me!”

“Where are you going?!” Lily raises her voice.

“I have to...” I hesitate, I don’t have an excuse. “I’ve got to go!”

I briskly turn on my heels to head toward the door. Instead, I slam into someone. I stumble back but catch myself. My eyes are met with Sirius stabilizing his balance.

“You!” We say in unison.

“No, you!” We point at each other.

Madame Prince shushes us dramatically. “If you must talk, take it out in the hall!”

Sirius takes my hand against my will and drags me out into the hallway. He checks up and down the corridor and determines there are too many people. Since it's a Sunday, most students hang out around the castle. I struggle to keep up with his pace as he yanks me along to a nearby classroom. He swings open the door and peeks his head inside.

"Sirius, it's all dusty!" I complain, digging my heels into the stone floor.

He pulls me in first, completely ignoring me.

I grunt, stumbling to catch my footing. When I manage, I brush down my skirt and face Sirius as he latches the door. “Was that really necessary?!”

He spins on his heels and points at me accusingly. "We shagged last night!”

“Almost! Okay? Almost!” I emphasize.

“Okay, fine! We almost shagged!” He complies, holding his hands up in surrender.

I'm slowly starting to recall the experience in the alcove. There was a lot of biting, teasing, swearing, hair pulling...

Sirius raises a brow, "what stopped us anyway?”

“Fitch and Mrs. Norris doing their nightly rounds. We almost got caught!” I hiss under my breath, worried that someone walking by may overhear.

His confused expression doesn't disappear. In fact, it intensifies as he narrows his gaze at the floor trying to pinpoint it all together. “And I didn’t try to continue once we were in the clear?”

“No, you were the one who suggested we head back so I wouldn’t get a third detention," I remind him of that crucial point.

Sirius's face morphs as if he's been told the world is coming to an end, a mixture of devastation and regret. Yet, also wonder, as though he's mentally asking him 'did I honest-to-God do that?'

“I chose then to be a rule-abiding student?!” He shouts.

“For my sake!” I justify in a whisper-yell. "We need to be quiet or-"

“Ugh!" Sirius paces away, hiding his face in his hands. "I really hate myself right now," he groans.

“Sirius!”

He whips around and complains. “What?! Can you blame a guy?! We were this close,” he gestures with his fingers.

I sigh, trying to remain civil. If we keep shouting someone will hear us then we will for sure get detentions.

"Look, it’s probably for the best!” I try to look on the bright side. “We were drunk.”

He whines, stomping his foot with a pout etched on his lips. He grumbles, “it would’ve been drunken...sloppy..." a dazed expression crosses his eyes. "Sweaty...  passionate-”

“Sirius!” I stop him, covering my ears as I grimace.

“I know! I know! Shut up, Sirius!” He mimics my voice.

There’s a prolonged pause as the two of us avoid meeting eyes. Well, this is awkward... Crossing my arms over my chest, I lean against a nearby desk. After a moment, I glance up from my shoes and Sirius’s eyes are narrowed, focused ahead on the wall.

I break the silence monotonously, “you’re still thinking about it aren’t you.”

“Yes!” He whines, failing about dramatically.

“Stop thinking about it!” I demand.

“I can’t! While you were in the library with Evans, James and I snuck into your room so he could show me the red skirt in hopes that I would remember!” He confesses and instant regret crosses his features.

My jaw drops and I storm across the room to him. "You’re kidding me!”

“That’s when it hit me! Everything! Then, I ran to find you!” He waves his hand, gesturing to me.

“Where was Marlene?!”

Forget staying quiet, that was before I knew Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum broke into my dorm!

“Oh, she was there," he nods, not caring in the slightest. "Yeah, she was passed out in bed.”

"You went in there when she was sleeping?!” I laugh breathlessly in disbelief. My fingers comb through my hair as I try to rack my brain around this new information.

“It’s not like we haven’t snuck in there before,” he adds as a side-note casually.

“What?!” I gasp.

Sirius quietly curses himself. “Never mind!” He rushes out.

I march toward the door. “I’m going to kill Potter!" I unlatch the lock and go to open it. "Then, I’m going to come back and kill you!”

Sirius jogs after me. "No, wait!”

He slams the door shut, pressing his palm against the wood beside my head. My fist remains around the handle and I feel Sirius close in on me. The warmth of his breath brushes against my neck and chills run down my spine. His free hand glides across my waist and gives it a squeeze. I turn my head to the side, glancing at me him out of the corner of my eye. He towers over me, leaning against the door. His fingertips glide down my hips to the end of my skit and play with the hem. I spin on my heels to face him, my back now pressed to the door.  

“Sirius, we can’t,” I whisper, meeting his gaze.

“Sure we can," he steps closer if that's even humanely possible. "Filch is busy with detention right now and there aren’t any classes,”

“What is someone who walks in and sees us?” I question, my eyes falling to his lips uncontrollably.

"Let them," he mutters carelessly.

Slowly, Sirius closes the space between us and brushes his lips against mine. At first, the action is steady and gentle as though we're getting reacquainted. Then, growing impatient, Sirius wraps his hand around the back of my neck and deepens the kiss at an exceptional rate. I drape my arms around his shoulder, yearning for me. He drops his arm from the door and picks up my legs. I wrap them around his torso instinctively as he walks me over to a nearby desk.

“I let bet that even turns you on. The idea of someone seeing me pleasure you," he mumbles against my lips. His hands wander from my knees and up my thighs to the hem of my skirt. "The way I can make you wet just by touching you." He breaks away from my lips and impulsively presses his palm to my core.

The sudden contact makes me shutter.

A light snicker escapes Sirius. "Does it turn you on when I brush against you in class? What about all those drunken times we stayed up late?” He rubs his fingers against the fabric of my panties at a painfully slow rate.

“Sirius...” I whisper like a plead.

“Next class, I’m going to sit next to you," he states sounding like a command. "Marlene and James are just going to have to deal with it."

Grazing his fingertips over my hip bone to the hem of my panties, he starts to remove the item from my body. He does it so gracefully like the action is an art form. Sirius disregards the article of clothing by tossing it to the floor without much thought.

He brings his lips to my neck and begins to grant it immense attention. “I’m going to place my hand on your thigh under the desk," he describes as his palms press into my thighs. "As the professor talks, I’ll slowly bring it up to your leg. I’ll slip it under your annoyingly short skirt and your panties," he performs the actions as he recites them. "I’ll feel just how wet you are for me and I bet you’re always dripping when you’re around me."

His fingertips slip between my folds and I gasp. My fingers grip the hair at the nape of his neck in reaction to the surge of pleasure.

“I’ll make you cum right in class," he purrs, evidently pleased with himself right now. "Right around my fingers."

My breathing starts to get heavy as he rubs pressurized circles over my clit. I bite down on my lip to defuse my moans.

"From now on, I’ll constantly be teasing you, making you wet every chance I get," he breathes against my neck. "I’ll get you wet for me in the dining hall and make you beg for me to take you back to the dorm."

He picks up his pace, brushing his fingers against my clit. I feel myself quickly approaching my climax. His antagonizing words don't help my self-control.

"I’ll take you in the back shelves of the library," he snickers wickedly. "Make you want to scream my name for everyone to hear.”

“Stop...” I beg, the pleasure starting to be too much.

Abruptly, Sirius grabs my face and makes me meet his gaze. Starring at me sternly, he slips two fingers into my core unapologetically. My hands grip his waist pleadingly, but he continues his assault.

“You’re such a tease, Y/N and you don’t realize," he snickers wickedly as he brushes against my G-spot relentlessly. "With your short skirts, your perfect lips, the way you look at me." He leans in, peering down at my lips to tease me. "You get me so hard. All I want to do is take you into an empty classroom every second of every day, bend you over a desk, and punish you for it. I want to make you feel how I feel.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. “Oh fuck,” I whimper.

“I see the way all the boys look at you, especially James. They imagine what it would be like to be inside you. But you’re mine, aren’t you? Only I can fuck you. Only I can make you cum so hard that you shake. Only I can fuck after you finish and make you beg for me to stop.”

"Sirius, I-" I gasp, the pleasure building up in my core is close to reaching its peak.

Sirius dismisses my pleading and grows more forceful. He gathers bits of my hair and tugs at them to make me reveal my neck. “I can make you cum with my hard dick inside you. I can make you hit your climax right here," he growls in my ear.

His fingers pump in and out at an increased rate, causing me to release a moan uncontrollably. I bite down on my lip, doing my best to suppress it.

"Would you scream for me, Baby?" He kisses my jawline softly. "Would you let me fuck you hard after?” He moves and plants a kiss on my neck.

I feel my walls tightening around his fingers as I drag my nails down his back.

“You’re close aren’t you, Love? You want to cum for me?” He grins against my shoulder.

“Yes,” I pant pleadingly.

I hate giving in to him, adding to his ego, but I need this. I need him.

"You want me to fuck you?”

“Yes please,” I beg, struggling to catch my breath.

He presses his lips to mine passionately with more intensity than ever before. “That’s right, beg for it, such a good girl,” he mumbles against my lips.

Overwhelmingly, hits my G-spot with perfect pressure and at an ungodly rate. “I want to cum for me. You’re already so fucking wet for me. I could fuck you so hard right here, right now. Imagine me pounding into you," he instructs as I feel myself on the edge of my climax.

I dig my nails into his shoulder blades. I'm nearly there. "Sirius, I'm-"

Suddenly, Sirius slips his fingers out and takes a step back, parting from me entirely. My eyes fly open and I watch as the boy gazes at me mischievously with his fingers in his mouth. Casually, he picks up my panties and tosses them back to me with a proud smirk. Dumbfounded, I hold the item in my hands utterly confused. Sirius stuffs his hands into his pocket, waiting for me to say something.

I shift my head forward, "that’s it?”

“Umm, yeah pretty much,” he shrugs with a light chuckle.

Merlin, he had this planned! He was fucking with me the entire time! I'm not sure how much of it was a game, but he purposefully got me close and pulled out!

I hop down from the desk with a huff and slip my panties back on. "What the fuck Sirius?!”

He eyes me up and down as though he's analyzing a product. “Yeah no, I’m not going to fuck you, yet! You don’t deserve it," he determines.

I raise my brows, "don’t deserve it?!”

“Yeah!" He repeats, shifting his head toward me mockingly. "You. Don’t. Deserve. Me,” he emphasizes each word. “Not until you decide between me and James, no sex!"

He reaches out and wraps his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. I swat at his arm, but it only makes him grip harder. Hover inches from my face grins. "And let’s be honest here, Love. You’re going to pick me. It’s just a matter of when you’re going to admit to yourself that you love me.”

Suddenly, he presses his lips to mine forcefully and I try to shove him off of me, but he's too strong. Then, he finally releases me with a jolt. He turns toward the door to head out.

“Sirius, I-”

He spins on heels with a cheeky grin. “And you do love me, don't deny it. You said so yourself last night... multiple times actually," he winks.

I scoff, he's impossible! The most infuriating boy on the entire planet!

He strolls toward the door with a wave. "Bye!”

“You man-whore!” I shout at him, so close to just smacking him.

“Tease!” He tosses back lightheartedly. His self-satisfied state unfazed by my insult. “Gee, I just adore our little pet names! Ta-ta Love!” He waves his fingers mockingly before disappearing down the hall.

What the actual hell just happened?

__________________________________

Masterlist

Tags:  @hannah220506 @agirlwholovescoffee @a-classic-eye @devilstradegy @blackbirddaredevil23 @tay-mariee @blackpinkdolan @findzelda

[justhereforseverus]

A Rose by any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet

Miserable_toad

Chapter 15: A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury.Summary:

You and Severus spent an intimate night together and he seems to open up to you more and more. The morning comes with a rude awakening and you can't hide your frustration with Dumbledore anymore.

Notes:

This took AGES. I’m so so sorry. Partly, because life is.. strange. Also due to my complete inability to write anything smut related. Sorry for the cringe in advance. There’s also fluff in there. And angst. Basically, a full package.

As always, thank you so much for reading, for your kudos and comments! :3 Comments are always appreciated.

Chapter Text:

We went through the empty hallways, down the staircases to the dungeons. When we stepped into his office, he locked the door behind us and led me to the fire. I sat on the couch after I had hung my jacket to a nearby hanger and put off my high heels. I could see that Severus carefully removed the handkerchief with the lily, looked at in thought for some moments and then put it on a small table near the couch, before going to the kitchen to get some tea. He came back, offered me a cup and then sat beside me. He was still smiling while putting his arm around me. I felt so warm and glowing with love and happiness. I sighed happily and put my hand on his knee. I asked him: “That handkerchief is pretty. Why a lily though? I know they are flowers of purity and virtue but seems very specific.”

His eyebrows furrowed and he drew in a long breath before saying: “…I bought it on a wimp many years ago. As a reminder.”

“Of what?” Wait, maybe I shouldn’t pry into this….I quickly added: ”You don’t have to tell me further. Just...”

He interjected: “No, it’s fine. Remus didn’t tell you anything about Lily Evans then?” I shook my head. “She was.. IS James Potter’s wife and I’m sure you’ve heard that name before.” – he said with a rather dismissive undertone.

“Yes, I think I’ve seen a picture of him in the Daily Prophet at some point because he was promoted or something? He was the guy who defeated Voldemort. I think Remus and Sirius are also friends of him. He lives in the US, doesn’t he?”

Severus nodded weakly: “I think so, yes. Lily and I.. We’ve been childhood friends, neighbours in a way. Went to Hogwarts together. I… liked her… a lot. She broke contact at some point. She was justified in doing that. I was an idiot but it still hurts.”

I think I’ve started to understand..in the end I commented “We all were idiots when we were young.”

“Maybe but I called her a terrible slur and I shouldn’t. Especially, because she was trying to help me when her precious future husband and a certain Mr. Black had me hanging from my ankles in the air.”

Oh Sirius… what an idiotic bully you’ve been. I only replied: “Ouch….you didn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t but it’s not like anyone but her cared. It doesn’t matter now. I know I did wrong. I know I was at fault. She never spoke another word to me after that and it’s fine. It’s long over now. I bought it to remind me of not doing that mistake again. But I don’t think I need that reminder anymore. At least, I hope so.”

“What.. slur was it?”

“You know.. mudblood, which in retrospective was pretty stupid. Thinking about the fact that I’m a half-blood myself.” - he said with a tired smile.

I gasped: “The head of Slytherin a half-blood?! Wow Salazar must turn in his grave.” I chuckled. “The person obsessed with pure-blood ideology has someone so brilliant and beautiful as a leader, who isn’t fulfilling his first requirement of ‘good’ wizards.” I kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled again,“That’s a secret though. Don’t tell my students.”

“But you’re the change they might need. So never tell me you’re useless again. And we’ve all said things that in retrospect were… shit. Like really shitty. We regret and learn from them. Some people forgive us and see our growth.. others don’t. In the end she married a bully so I guess she changed together with him, too. It’s sad she didn’t give you another chance though.”

Sadness cloudes his features: “I think I was always difficult to handle, especially back in those days. It was difficult to fit in a house that was full of rich and arrogant purebloods. But yes, you’re right. We’ve all changed, I hope. That’s the difference. In the end, it’s ok.. I think. I don’t look for her anymore, haven’t for years.” He exhaled and pulled me closer to me before adding cheekily: “I have to disagree with one point though, I don’t think Salazar would be particularly interested in the looks of his followers.”

I puffed: “Hello?! Have you seen his portrait?! He was certainly obsessed with his own looks. That cloak is extremely fancy and his pose so over the top.”

Severus laughed and I was relieved to see him happy again. Though, I had the desire to be closer to him now, to do more. With an unexpected rush of bravery, I saddled him on the couch. His eyes widened with surprised. I started to kiss him, softly at first but then more passionately. I could feel his hands wandering over my knees and thighs up to my back. I also wandered with my kisses to his neck until I could feel his hands tightening on my dress and an ever so quite moan escape from his lips. I liked hearing the ever so tight and controlled professor in a weaker position. But before I could expand on this new experience, he flipped me on my back in a swift movement and positioned himself between my legs regaining control. Unfortunately, the couch was a bit too short for that and we had to take care not to fall to the floor. He laughed and smiled, his face over mine, his long black hair falling softly around me. He said: “I think, we should continue this in a more comfortable environment.” I nodded, and to my surprise he carried me up in his arms like a bride to the bedroom. He cautiously laid me on the bed, continued his position from before and started kissing me passionately. I was completely lost. He smelled so nice and I loved feeling his weight on me, his hips on mine, his hands that slowly wandered down my sides. At some point my dress really started to bother me though. I couldn’t reach the zipper on the back like this nor was my wand in close proximity. So, I whispered: “My dress... Could you..”

“I understand.” He said and got to the side. I sat up and he helped me out of the dress by pulling the zipper down. I rather awkwardly moved out of it and he started kissing me on my neck and shoulders and I melted. He put his arms around me and tightly pulled me to his chest. “Oh, Severus – what are you doing with me?” I said softly with a shaking voice. He replied by whispering in my ears: “Let me worship you, darling.” And his hands wandered down to my bra, unlocking it, while getting rid of his shirt and pants. He leaned over me and I took a good look at him. He was mesmerising. I could see some scars on his hips and chest and made a mental note of asking him about them later but for the moment… I was enchanted and just drowned in his eyes. He looked like he felt the same before diving into another series of deep kisses. I could feel his hands on my chest, exploring, sending shivers to my core. His kisses wandering down and down, until he kissed the inside of my thighs, looking at me for consent. I nodded and he made me truly feel worshipped with his tongue and fingers until I fell apart. But I wanted more. He moved up to my mouth again to kiss me, removed his underpants and mine before lying on me. He gave a last questioning look before I confirmed again and then pushed deep. I could hear him panting, moaning quietly, a deep and holy sound in my ear, while he moved inside of me and my mind went blank with passion. Everything was just feeling, a fire moving between us until we both reached the peak.

Sweating and panting we laid in the darkness. I put my head on his naked chest and he ran his fingers through my hair before saying: “I…. sorry.. I feel like I can’t speak properly right now but.. shower maybe?” I answered with a heartily yes.

His bathroom was painted green and black and the walls were windows looking unto the Hogwarts lake. It felt like being under water as fish and other creatures swam by. Severus explained to me that the walls are not see through from the other side. He admitted, it’s weird at the beginning to get used to it. It was kinda cool though. Like showering in the sea. We went under the shower and the warm water felt fantastic. He pulled me close to him again and kissed me caringly.

When we went back to bed we just cuddled and I laid my head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat while he ran his fingers through my hair. After he sighed contentedly, he whispered: “I’ve never had such a pleasant Yule Ball night. Usually I leave the ball room early, punish some student couples who hide outside to do their frivolous activities and then go to bed early.”

“Oh, these nasty students” I laughed: “But yes, I agree. Thank you for the wonderful evening.” He kissed me again and after we talked for a little bit further we both fell into a peaceful sleep.

The next morning, I felt myself rather reluctant to do anything. In the end, most staff and students would probably sleep out their hangover, so this Saturday was intentionally left without events. Severus seemed to feel the same. He woke up earlier than I did but brought the breakfast on a big dinner tray to bed. He was very cute, sitting in his pyjamas with legs crossed on his bed, eating a croissant carefully over his plate. I took a sip from my orange juice and said: “I somehow didn't see you as the type to eat breakfast in bed.”

He smirked and scoffed: “Oh, what should I do then? Sitting on the fully set table, smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper every morning?”

“Would be very stylish indeed.”

“No. As reserved as I am, I rather don’t have breakfast at all or like that really. My family didn’t have a breakfast tradition anyway. I was glad to get a slice of toast on the way out on some days.”

“I’m sorry to hear that… though I often don’t have breakfast, too. I’m very bad in getting out of bed. It was different during my childhood though. My parents insisted on the morning ritual. I’m sorry to hear you that you didn't Is that the reason why you don’t talk much about your family?”

His expression dulled while he replied: “My parents were poor, my father was an incompetent and very angry fool. My mother suffered much. There is not much to say. It’s a boring story.” He shrugged. I told him that, independent of that, it’s part of him and I wanted to know if he wants to share. He told me afterwards that they died a couple of years ago and I said my condolences. He replied sharply: “Don’t be. It was probably the best for both of them. Though I’d wished I could have told my father what an asshole he is. I’ll never forget what he did to my mother in his rage.” I didn’t want to press further but it was certainly good to see him opening up bit after bit. He looked thoughtfully towards the ceiling.

A bell rang and disrupted our peace. Severus went to the door and told me to stay in the bedroom. He put on a morning gown and left. I could hear Filch speaking through the door: “I can’t find her. Her room is destroyed and Dumbledore sent me to you. Do you know where she is?”

Severus replied cold and distant:“...I do. Go to Dumbledore, we all meet up in his office.”

Severus explained to me that there was another break in. This time not in my classroom but my office. They were unable to break the spell protecting my private quarters but my office was turned upside down. Books destroyed, desk in half.. it was a sight. When I was standing in the middle of my destroyed office surrounded by Filch, Albus, Minerva, Sprout and Flitwick, I couldn’t hold in my anger anymore: “How did they even come here?! I thought Hogwarts was so protected?! You promised me that it wouldn’t happen again?!” I yelled in anger. I was frustrated and unreasonable and frankly, I didn’t care.

Dumbledore said in an overly calming tone, which kinda annoyed me: “They must have help from the Ravenclaw house” – here Flitwick looked to the floor ashamed – “The portrait hasn’t reported anyone not being a student of her house coming in but there are ways to conceal oneself. At least the protection on your private quarters worked. Of course, there is also a possibility that they didn’t want to go that far just to intimidate someone.” The headmaster got closer to me, grapped my shoulders in a comforting gesture before saying: “I’m sorry that happened. I truly am. I promise you we’ll find a solution and a punishment for the perpetrators. But if they were only students. they must have some help from someone who knows how to get around these spells. This isn’t taught at Hogwarts.”

I was devastated: “So, what?! It doesn’t matter! We knew who it was that did this to my classroom. What will you do now, headmaster? This has to end!”

“I know” – he said. “I’ll do my best. I’ll talk to him personally. To son and father. I’m sorry.” – he said sadly and turned away from me. That wasn’t as satisfying for me as it should be. I was disappointed and still angry. Minerva interjected before I could say more: “I don’t feel good with you returning to your quarters, darling. Maybe you should stay somewhere else for the time being. I wouldn’t feel safe knowing that someone was so close to my bed. Albus, you really have to consider that this was a direct attack on all of us. Please.” She petted my shoulders and looked at me with a pleading half-smile. I couldn’t be mad at her and she was right. I’d feel unsafe sleeping here for the time being.

“She stays with me.” – Severus interrupted sharply. Everyone looked at him and didn’t dare to challenge him on that proposition.

“Very well, Severus” – Dumbledore replied before adding “Under the proposition that Professor [y/n] wants that, too.” I nodded “yes, that’s fine with me. Thank you, Severus. I’m sure they won’t dare to break into your office.”

“And if they do, they’ll see what messing with me really means this time”, Severus said while looking closely at Dumbledore.

[gb-fics]

Valentine’s Rehearsal

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: The title says it all. They rehearse for a romantic Valentine’s program. That’s it XD

The practicing room was large, rented by their manager especially for them. They needed the space for rehearsal. They would need it on stage later on, too.

Shou checked the floor for the marks he had attached there with sticky tape earlier.

“So, the water tank should be about here”, he mumbled. “And the audience will be there.” Mindlessly he gestured towards the left side of the room.

Then he looked up again, meeting Yutaka’s gaze. Obviously, he had been paying close attention.

“You should walk past there”, he explained. “I’ll be standing here.”

He pointed to the X the tape was forming on the ground.

“Pull me towards yourself, but not more than one step or we’ll block Kenji from view.”

“Why are we practicing without him, though?”, Yutaka asked. “He’s in the scene, isn’t he?”

Shou gave a small sigh. Something heavy seemed to sit on his chest.

“You know how it is. The more people are around, the less time you spend on the actual rehearsal. He doesn’t have text in the scene, so it’s better if he and Jun practice their parts separately.”

He expected Yutaka to complain why he hadn’t gotten a day off then, but he didn’t. Yutaka never complained. As always, Shou was surprised by how much the other members respected his decisions. He constantly felt like he needed to justify himself, but they never asked for justification.

“Since it’s a love scene, it’s better to have some privacy anyway, right?”, Yutaka joked.

The heavy feeling reappeared on Shou’s chest immediately. Again, he felt the need to apologize, to explain himself. He wasn’t forcing Yutaka to play those scenes with him for the sheer fun of it.

“It’s a Valentine’s appearance. People are kind of expecting that”, he said.

Yutaka swung his arm. Some people would give a dismissive gesture with their hand. Yutaka always used his whole body. Watching the familiar way he moved, Shou’s chest already felt much lighter.

“I was just kidding”, he said and went over to where he would start approaching Shou.

Shou himself went over to the X mark, looking out to the audience.

“Make sure they can see your face properly”, he reminded Yutaka.

Yutaka rolled his eyes. At least Shou could see his face well enough for that.

“I’m not some amateur”, he pointed out. “You need to trust us a little.”

Shou crossed the arms in front of his chest as if that could help him support the heavy weight there.

“I do trust you”, he said.

“You are already doing the music by yourself. If you could, you’d play all the roles by yourself, too.”

“I want things to go smoothly. I want the best performance for our fans. It’s not …”, Shou started.

Yutaka interrupted him with quiet laughter.

Irritated, Shou shut up.

“I wasn’t criticizing you. I was telling you, it’s okay to calm down sometimes. No need to get so defensive. Just relax, it’s only a rehearsal.”

Shou took in a deep breath and forced himself to let his arms drop to his side. Yutaka was right. His whole body felt tense, although there wasn’t even anyone around watching them.

“Okay”, he said, even managing an honest smile.

Yutaka had waited patiently. He always stayed patient whenever the feeling on Shou’s chest got so heavy he could hardly breath. Everyone stayed patient with his agitation, but with Yutaka the patience had a different quality that had something to do with his eyes and his smile and the way he held his body, that made Shou feel better even when he was at his worst.

“Okay”, he repeated, louder this time.

Yutaka gave him a short nod to assure he was ready. Then he walked towards him. His steps were dynamic. He wasn’t just walking. He was showing the audience that he was walking.

Shou admired him for this talent immensely. He himself needed words for everything. Words and melodies and props, when all Yutaka seemed to need was his body to express everything he felt so precisely. Maybe, Shou thought, Yutaka’s feelings were just simpler. Most of the time, Shou’s feelings were nothing but a mess.

He was so distracted by his own thoughts, that he only realized Yutaka was already standing in front of him, when he grabbed hold of his hips.

Shou had expected him to reach for his arm or his shoulders, so the firm grip was surprising and he actually stumbled against him, as Yutaka pulled him close. They were touching nearly from head to toe, Yutaka’s warm hands still on his hips. He could sense them clearly.

“Kiryuuin”, Yutaka said.

Even leaning backwards in Yutaka’s embrace, their faces were still close. He could smell Yutaka’s breath. It smelled of peppermint.

Shou remembered how their touch had felt different once. At the very beginning, Shou’s heart had started beating faster in Yutaka’s embrace, until he could hear the blood rushing through his ears and his chest hadn’t felt heavy at all, but warm and fuzzy. He recalled looking into those dark eyes and thinking that maybe, just maybe this entire thing was nothing but a giant foreplay, the whole founding of a band the gimmick of a boy who was too shy to simply ask for a date.

But over time, those feelings had changed. A touch wasn’t the promise of another anymore, words no longer seemed to hold the hidden meaning of a possible flirt. A touch was a touch now, and words just words.

Deep down Shou assumed that at some point their attraction had been mutual, that he wasn’t the only one who had felt the chemistry. But he had been too busy to act on it, or too reasonable. And suddenly they had behaved professional for so long, that they had turned professional indeed and the ignored tension had faded away undetected. They had turned into an old couple that was held together by friendship and mutual understanding rather than physical or romantic attraction. They had jumped from a hesitant crush right into disillusion, skipping the passion and the sex and the rose-coloured glasses altogether. Sometimes, Shou regretted that. He would have liked to wear the rose-coloured glasses for a while, and he would have liked the passion and the sex.

Now, it was too late and when Yutaka held him like this, all he felt was the warmth of his body and a tiny sting of regret.

“Kiryuuin”, Yutaka said again. “I like you. I’ve always liked you. Be my Valentine’s date!”

There had been a time when Shou had really hoped to hear those words from him. Now they sounded rehearsed and shallow. Shou was the one who had written them.

Yutaka closed his eyes, leaning in. His eyelids looked strange and unfamiliar when they weren’t covered in black.

Instinctively, Shou leaned back, turning his head away.

“What are you doing, idiot?”, he scolded, although that clearly wasn’t in the script.

Yutaka straightened himself again, allowing Shou to regain a normal body posture as well. He wasn’t letting go of his hips, though.

“Aren’t we practicing the kiss?”, Yutaka asked.

He sounded honestly surprised. For a moment, Shou wondered if Yutaka wanted to kiss him. He looked at his lips. Shou also wondered if he wanted to kiss Yutaka.

Again, he turned his head sideways.

“Don’t be stupid, we both know how to kiss.”

For the first time, he wished Yutaka would let go of him. There was no way of just casually stepping away and no way of hiding his face without making it obvious how uncomfortable he felt.

Shou didn’t like the mechanic intimacy of a rehearsed kiss at all. If it only happened once, he could – at least for a brief second – make himself believe it was spontaneous and truthful. Practicing it only made all the kisses feel fake and his chest severe.

“You always make Jun and Kenji practice their kisses”, Yutaka pointed out.

Shou snorted, using his annoyance as an excuse to take a tiny step back. Yutaka didn’t stop him, but his hands were still resting on his hips. Just above the waistline of his pants, the warmth of his palms dripped through the fabric of Shou’s shirt.

“Jun always starts giggling when looking at Kenji’s face for too long. You know he needs the inurement”, he said.

Yutaka shrugged. His lower arm brushed against Shou’s side. He didn’t know where to put his arms. When he lowered them, they were resting against Yutaka’s hands. He was wearing short sleeves.

“I’m not sure if the problem is Jun, or Kenji’s face”, Yutaka said mockingly.

Shou sighed.

“Well, see, we don’t have that problem. I don’t have the kind of face that makes you giggle. It’s the kind of face that haunts you in your nightmares.”

Now Yutaka did let go of his hips, but only with his right hand. He used it to slap Shou’s forehead not very gently.

“Stop talking like that. I would only ask an attractive guy to be my Valentine’s date, right?”

“Alright, let’s get it over with”, Shou gave in, just to change the topic. He didn’t want to be kissed, but he wanted to discuss his own looks even less.

This time, Yutaka stepped towards him, instead of pulling him in. If possible, he was standing even closer than before. Shou could feel his chest heaving against his own with each breath. He didn’t know where to put his hands. He held them by his side awkwardly.

“Kiryuuin”, Yutaka said. “I like you. I’ve always liked you. Be my Valentine’s date!”

He bent forward, placing a short kiss on Shou’s lips. Shou forgot to close his eyes in time and Yutaka’s face became larger and larger until it didn’t look human anymore, just strange and alien. He made sure to keep his lips closed, to not move his arms and not open his eyes again too soon.

The kiss didn’t last long.

Yutaka pulled back again.

Shou blinked. He did it hectically, as if a different reality might appear behind his eyelids, if he just tried his luck often enough.

“You are standing there like a stiff rock!”, Yutaka scolded. “The audience will think it’s weird!”

Breathing was hard for a moment. The weight on his chest was too heavy for his lungs to function.

Shou knew that it was his fault, that Yutaka was right, that everyone would notice. The situation made him feel awkward and his own awkwardness made it a hundred times worse and knowing that, Shou felt horrible and the anxiety spiral was winding downwards with no end in sight.

He did not know how to react to a meaningless kiss, after he had wanted it to have meaning for so long.

“You could be a little more passionate”, Shou tried to turn the accusation around. “It didn’t feel natural at all.”

“Kiryuuin!”, Yutaka shouted, too loud and too aggressive, so that Shou flinched in his arms. “I like you! I’ve always liked you! Be my Valentine’s date!”

He was passionate now, but not in a tender, honest way. His confession sounded as if he wanted to challenge Shou.

Just when he wanted to ask him to start the scene all over again, did Yutaka throw himself onto him.

Luckily, he didn’t have a real run-up, but he pushed his body forward so sudden and violently, it made Shou stumble back. He almost lost his balance, just managing to stay upright, because in a reflex he clung to Yutaka, digging his fingers into the fabric of his shirt.

Then Yutaka’s lips were on his own, not remaining there silently this time, but hot and with demanding pressure. Shou gave a surprised noise, but Yutaka only used the opportunity to shove his tongue into his mouth, kissing him fiercely now. He tasted of peppermint indeed.

Shou wanted to push him away, but his legs felt weirdly weak and he was still holding on to Yutaka to even remain standing.

He had wanted to be kissed by him like that. Until he ran all out of breath, wet and sloppy and a little bit careless about technique, but very enthusiastic.

He sensed Yutaka’s hand slipping upwards, underneath Shou’s shirt. His skin was hot on his waist, sliding up to his ribcage.  

His own fingers were still clutching to Yutaka’s shirt, although he was supporting his own weight again, crumpling the fabric, trying to release the tension from his body somewhere. Shou was starting to feel his pulse between his legs.

Without warning, Yutaka let go, stepping back again, his hands vanishing from Shou’s body.

Shou felt breathless.

“Too much”, he gasped. “Definitely too much passion.”

His lips felt sore, his mouth suddenly empty without another’s taste and breath and tongue, and his body was cold where they were no longer touching. It was a long time since someone had kissed him like that. Maybe no one ever had.

“Ah”, Yutaka said. He was smoothing out the front of his shirt demonstratively. “I thought you liked it just now.”

Shou took in a deep, calming breath. He was too aware of his body right now. Too aware of the blood rushing downwards, too aware of his lips, that wanted to kiss some more and too aware of his chest that felt just like it always did.

He did not want to think about the question why Yutaka had kissed him like that. Not with the time they had spent with watching and teasing and then not acting on it at all, and not with the way it was now. One kiss had proven that Shou clearly did not feel as indifferent towards Yutaka as time had made him believe, that there was something ready to burst up again, that his body remembered with longing and trembling and sighs what his mind had already chosen to forget.

But he did not have the time nor the energy to wonder if Yutaka felt the same and how he had to react in that case. He wanted to pretend it was nothing but a prank, because then he wouldn’t have to act at all. He could go on with his life, because the true reason why Yutaka could kiss him like that as a joke, was probably that to him it did mean nothing at all.

“We wanted to give them romance, not porn.”

Shou made a gesture towards the left side of the room, where the audience was supposed to be watching them.

He wanted to remind Yutaka that they were here for work, that it was an official meeting with no tension between them at all.

Yutaka shook his head. He was grinning. Shou thought that he had the most beautiful grin in the world. He could still taste it on his lips, just a little.

“You can never decide what you want”, he observed.

About that, he was probably right. Shou had wanted to kiss him and had wanted everything to stay professional and uncomplicated between them. Now, he wanted it to be nothing but a joke. And he wanted to be kissed again.

“Maybe you should just leave it to me”, Shou suggested.

Yutaka gave him a questioning look. He was good at speaking without words. His facial expression seemed to give everything away immediately, just like his body language did. He was so easy to read, Shou could not imagine he would be able to hide any of his feelings. Right now, he seemed amused and as if he was not thinking about the kiss at all. In Yutaka’s universe, that most likely meant, he was amused and not thinking about the kiss at all.

Shou cleared his throat. He blinked again.

“I just mean, you are the one confessing already. We don’t want it to look as if you are attacking me. I should be the one kissing you, so people will know I am returning your feelings.”

Gravely, Yutaka nodded.

“So, I will just confess and wait for you to kiss me?”, he assured.

“Just …” Shou waved his hand through the air helplessly. He didn’t know what to tell Yutaka. He did not know what he wanted him to do. He was confused and didn’t feel in control of the situation at all. His feelings were messy and all over the place and the old familiar panic was sitting on his chest again. He did not know where to turn and what to do, but he knew he was surely disappointing someone.

“Hey”, Yutaka said surprisingly gentle.

He was looking at Shou’s chest as if he could see the problem sitting there clearly.

“It’s okay. We will work it out. That’s what we are here for. That’s why we are rehearsing. We’ll just play it through again and see what feels natural.”

Shou nodded. He felt calmer already.

Yutaka took a step forward, this time stopping before he reached Shou. He was close enough to reach out to him now, but their bodies weren’t touching.

“Kiryuuin”, Yutaka said and reached out for Shou’s hand.

Shou was following his motions with his eyes. Yutaka held his hand between his palms, in front of his chest, the rest of their bodies not touching. His palms were warm and dry. One of his thumbs was drawing small circles on Shou’s wrist. It felt soothing.

“Kiryuuin”, Yutaka repeated and now Shou looked up, meeting his gaze.

The name sounded strange, in a way it had not felt strange before. It reminded him of a time when they were not so close yet, when calling each other by their last names was still the normal thing to do. Back then, he had still been excited when Yutaka touched him. His heart would beat faster, even if he just held his hand like that.

Shou listened to his own heartbeat.

It was picking up pace.

Back then, they still had had all opportunities ahead of them. Passion and sex and rose-coloured glasses had still been a possibility.

“I like you”, Yutaka said. He spoke quietly now. He wasn’t addressing an audience. He was addressing no one but Shou. “I’ve always liked you. Be my Valentine’s date.”

Shou scanned his face. His expression was open, honest. He was such a good actor, Shou wanted to believe him.

He took a step towards him. Yutaka’s lips were slightly apart, inviting him for a kiss.

Just for a moment, Shou felt as if they had turned back time. If he had had the courage to kiss him back then, to tell him how he truly felt, instead of just ignoring those feelings, maybe their story would have taken a different turn. This was his second chance. This was his chance to make it right.

Lightly he placed his hand on Yutaka’s neck. The tips of his hair were soft under his fingertips.

Instead of pulling him close, Shou leaned in himself.

He closed his eyes and kissed Yutaka like he should have kissed him back then. His lips were warm and slightly opened. There was no tongue in his mouth this time, just hot breath and the fair hint of peppermint. His chest felt incredible light.

He pulled back again, still standing close. Yutaka was still holding his hand.

There was a moment of silence. Shou had the feeling he ought to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything. Just for a little while, he didn’t worry enough to bother.

“I forgot my lines”, he admitted with a chuckle.

Yutaka chuckled, too. It sounded nice, so close to his ears.

“It’s okay”, he said. “Just improvise. Tell me, what you want to tell me.”

Shou locked eyes with him again. He wasn’t quite sure if they were still acting. To him, it didn’t feel like it at all. He just wanted to tell Yutaka, what he had always wanted to tell him.

“I’ve always liked you, too”, he said quietly. “I wish I had told you sooner. We wasted time, because I was too busy being worried with everything.”

“Hey”, Yutaka said.

He let go of Shou’s fingers with one hand to place it on his chest instead. It was resting on his breastbone, right where the heavy feeling used to weight down on him. Right now, all that Shou could feel was the warmth of Yutaka’s palm.

“It’s not too late, you know?”, he continued.

“For what?”, Shou asked.

He placed his free hand over Yutaka’s. He wanted it to stay on his chest forever. Feeling so light, he was almost floating.

Yutaka grinned.

“Valentine’s Day, idiot.”

[projectalbum]

R U Talkin’ I.R.S. R.E.M. RE: ME? 183. “Murmur - Deluxe Edition,” 184. “Reckoning,” 185. “Fables of the Reconstruction,” 186. “Lifes Rich Pageant,” 187. “Dead Letter Office," 188. “Document” by R.E.M.

If you’ve been following this blog with any regularity, you may have noticed how often references to R.E.M. weave their way into my appraisals of other artists. That’s because the band has become a bit of a Rosetta Stone for my musical taste: eclectic, ever-evolving, beautifully melodic, with evocative (or downright inscrutable) lyrics. I delved into their decades-long catalogue- piecemeal and out of chronology in the pre-Spotify days- at the exact point in my adolescence when I was forming what that taste would be. And now I must ask the question that has so ignited the public's curiosity: When did I first hear of the band R.E.M.?

My answer, at long last, is… "Hmm, not sure." As recounted in my entry on Barenaked Ladies (or “BNL,” as befitting such an essential band): during a high school trip through Europe, a bus ride from Ireland to Wales was scored by an all-over-the-map mixtape.* I was definitely already familiar with “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” when it popped up. And I remember, sitting there as misty green hills moved past the window, that it sparked a web of associations: I likely thought of “Losing My Religion,” probably “The One I Love.” After watching a Comedy Central documentary on Andy Kaufman, I became briefly obsessed, and my mom helpfully told me that there was a song written about him, titled “Man on the Moon.” She pulled Automatic for the People, the only R.E.M. release she owned, off the shelf and played that track for me. I think I liked it, but I didn’t go further than that.

So, sitting on that tour bus, I figured that when we reached the London leg of our whirlwind trip, I would use my personal pilgrimage to Virgin Megastore (remember those?) to pick up a greatest hits collection. And I did, getting the recently released In Time: The Best of R.E.M. I loved it so much, I barely noticed that half the songs I knew, including the one that had inspired the purchase, were nowhere to be found.

As I later learned, that compilation was put out by Warner Bros Records, and as such was solely focused on the songs the band recorded while under contract to that label. And it’s true, several of their biggest hits came out of those first few WB releases. But wither “The One I Love?” Well, before they signed that lucrative deal, R.E.M. made their bones putting out arty, jangly, pastorally pretty rock music under the banner of I.R.S. Records.  

It’s been awhile since I first heard their debut full-length Murmur (#183), but after the slicker, weirder, string-flavored tunes I was used to, hearing the upfront immediacy of the young-and-hungry band, playing as a tight group over a chasm of reverb, was a bit revelatory. Recorded at the now-defunct Reflection Sound Studios in Charlotte, NC (a liner note discovery that filled me with no small amount of regional pride), Don Dixon and Mitch Easter's production makes the jangle rock dreamy and beguiling while avoiding cheesy 80’s pitfalls. It’s all killer, no filler (I even love “We Walk,” all bouncy repetition and ever-climbing arpeggios)— right now, I’d say the earnest “Talk About The Passion” and the almost hiccupy hook of “Catapult” rank as my favorite moments, but that changes and shifts unpredictably.

The sonic muscle of Reckoning (#184) is cleaner, with opener “Harborcoat” immediately shaking loose the spooky cobwebs of Murmur. Again, the immediacy surprised me when I first heard it: I was hearing the version of the band that tore the roof off of tiny venues in sleepy college towns throughout the South. For a time, it was the comparative lack of the fussy arrangements and earnest, soaring melodies I’d come to expect from my R.E.M. that dismissed this album to a dusty gray corner in my mind. But the mark of a Favorite Band means that you can return to their work at different times in your life and find that while the music stayed the same, you’re hearing it with different ears. There’s not a weak link in 10 tracks, and songs that I’d once had trouble even recalling became new favorites: "So. Central Rain,” with its ringing Rickenbacker guitar line, melodic bass, and keening chorus (“I’m sorry”) is a fan favorite for a reason, and “Camera,” which recalls a departed friend of the band’s, builds to a shattering chorus. And of course, the one straight-up, tear-in-your-beer country rocker in their catalogue, “(Don’t Go Back To) Rockville."

I remember driving to night classes in my first year of community college, listening to my newly-purchased disc of Fables of the Reconstruction (#185). Now this was immediately my speed, with the spooky, menacing, string quartet-inflected “Feeling Gravity’s Pull” and incantatory “Maps and Legends" leading the pack. The band had a lousy experience recording it, and they badmouth the way the songs were mixed, but to me the thick-as-kudzu production is a big part of this album’s hallucinatory power. I love the surreal, umber and burnished gold and chartreuse cover art as well: though the layout looks a little too cluttered on the CD, I bought the vinyl record from a second-hand store just to frame it, with the “Reconstruction of the Fables” ear-box side facing out from my wall.

Not every track does it for me. “Can’t Get There from Here” is fun but a little too affected in its whimsy, and “Auctioneer (Another Engine),” already a bit monotone, is the track most hampered by sludgy sound. But sandwiched in-between are “Green Grow the Rushes” and “Kohoutek,” glimpses of the environmentally-conscious, culturally-sensitive side of Michael Stripe and Co that led directly into their follow-up, Lifes Rich Pageant (#186). They expand the promise of those two tracks with “Fall On Me” and “Cuyahoga,” to devastatingly pretty effect.

Where Fables was a nighttime drive down an inky-dark American highway, Pageant is a wide-eyed survey of virgin prairie, a longing to return to unspoiled harmonic existence. “Let’s put our heads together / Let’s start a new country up,” the natives of “Cuyahoga” resolve over the ashy remains of the river bend. "What you want and what you need, there's the key / Your adventure for today, what do you do / Between the horns of the day?” Stipe exhorts his listeners in “I Believe,” and the Southern beach rock behind the words pushes you to make your move. “We are young despite the years / We are concern / We are hope despite the times,” he belts out over furious riffs and annihilated drums in “These Days," Mike Mills calling out affirmation in his backup vocal.

Right down to the absurdist sea shanty “Swan Swan H” and infectiously fun cover “Superman” that close it out, it’s hard to find a more consistent document of the band’s strengths. And now, damn, I want that to be a crackerjack segue to discussion of their next studio album, but months before that final I.R.S. release, there was Dead Letter Office (#187). A collection of occasionally rather sloppy outtakes and covers of varying reverence, the main draw here is the inclusion of their debut EP Chronic Town (on the CD, anyway. I notice that Spotify separates those songs from the DLO tracks). The angular menace of “Wolves, Lower” and the subtle, melodic magic of “Gardening At Night” (Stripe’s almost unintelligible lyrics are Exhibit A for his early-years shyness) are justifiable fan favorites to this day— not bad for the first batch of songs from such a prolific group. A must.

Buying Document (#188) finally gave me easy access to “It’s The End of the World...” and “The One I Love” (rather than, you know, waiting to hear one or the other on the radio). It also meant first experiencing one of my favorite opening salvos on record: “Finest Worksong.” It sounds HUGE, to borrow an oft-accurate phrase from notable actor/R.E.M. podcaster Adam Scott. Bill Berry’s thundercrack drums echo as if recorded in a cavernous factory where the overlords have been overthrown, while Peter Buck’s guitar chugs and drones, a dramatic change from the nimble arpeggios that made up previous records. It, and the songs that follow— “Welcome to the Occupation” ("Listen to the buyer still / Listen to the Congress / Where we propagate confusion”), “Exhuming McCarthy” ("Vested interest, united ties / Landed gentry, rationalize / Look who bought the myth / By Jingo, buy America”), “Disturbance at the Heron House”— make the album, at 31 years old, feel like a queasy reflection of our current milieu. No one feels fine right now.

Luckily, the music is still driving, fun, singable, varied in its grooves and moods. “Fireplace,” coming right after the twofer of the most famous singles, provided me such an unexpected thrill with a rare appearance by sinuous be-bop saxophone, such a different color for this band. Sax in 80’s songs is usually an utterly cheeseball affair, but this is a dark, weird tune, and is nowhere near that register of power balladry. “Lightnin’ Hopkins” is just as unique, with a metalhead rolling drum beat and Stipe acting like a throat-shredded street preacher over echoey chain-gang backup howls.

This band takes up a whole shelf in my house, so hold on tight for several more comprehensive and encyclopedic write-ups. 

*It’s been over a year since I wrote that entry, and I recently realized my memory is jumbled up. I now have a clear recollection that the songs from BNL’s Everything For Everyone were repeating in my head ON THAT VERY TRIP! So I was already a fan.