#i dont WANT to be a social outcast i just want to dress in a way that I LIKE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dankusner · 2 months

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jason kohler — is exhibiting ALL the telltale signs of a liar.

from shrugging his shoulders

to touching his lips...

to smiling when he says, "HONESTLY kind of sad."

raising his eyebrows for approval...

lack of details when questioned....

all are deceptive traits.

"you never know"

"they JUST made fun of him"

makes sense since the guy is so young he think he could pull off racing to a newscamera.

everyone who said columbine was because of trench-coat mafia and eric & dylan were losers...

all of that was false, misleading and deliberately perverted our grief. what way can you explain um I mean he would sit alone at lunch I mean he was just the outcast and you know how kids are nowadays so they're going to see someone like that and they gonna target him because they think it's funny or whatever so it's the best way I can describe it and it's honestly kind of sad like I don't want to say this is what provoked it but you never know said he yeah um I want to say he was a loner more because he was just he was quiet but like he was just bullied like he was bullied so much so much this is high school yeah what did they do you remember at all what they said to him or called him no um he just made fun of I guess for the way he dressed his appearance how do he dress uh like they were just saying jeans he'd wear hunting outfits sometimes uh I he would always wear a mask even after covid he he wore a mask like a CO mask like even after Co was over and all that yeah like a Former student Max R. Smith remembered Crooks as an intelligent classmate with conservative political leanings.

Smith recalled participating in a mock debate in a course they took together, where their teacher posed questions on government policy and had students stand on opposite sides of the classroom to signal their support or opposition.

“The majority of the class were on the liberal side, but Tom, no matter what, always stood his ground on the conservative side,” Smith said.

“That’s still the picture I have of him. Just standing alone on one side while the rest of the class was on the other. ... It makes me wonder why he would carry out an assassination attempt on the conservative candidate.”

https://amyletter.substack.com/p/teenage-suicide-dont-do-it-heathers

https://youtu.be/sO3WEfBIPvM?si=wCtEN5jGPTC8ZSpV HEATHER DUKE In the distance, a T.V. CAMERA CREW is interviewing STUDENTS. HEATHER DUKE dashes toward them. HEATHER MCNAMARA freezes. HEATHER MCNAMARA Oh God, Veronica. My hair! My clothes! HEATHER MCNAMARA moans, vibrates, then suddenly races toward the cameras. VERONICA looks down at the soaked, stopped Swatch on her arm. She takes it off and drops it in a nearby trashcan I choose to remember the good times, like when we got our ears pierced at the mall.

TRUMP ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

Shooter on roof with cops inside

Security decisions around sniper’s roost raise further questions

Police who were assigned by the Secret Service to help spot threats in the crowd at Donald Trump’s rally Saturday were inside the building where a gunman positioned himself on the roof to shoot at the former president, according to a Secret Service official briefed on the incident.

From inside the Agr International building, they saw a man acting furtively, walking back and forth around the building with some gear, and radioed a Secret Service command post to alert them, the official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the ongoing investigation.

The revelations add to the growing list of questions about the Secret Service’s plan for securing areas outside the perimeter and about the failure of law enforcement to act quickly enough on multiple early warnings of suspicious activity.

The Washington Post reported in a video analysis Monday that bystanders at the Trump rally in Butler, Pa., warned local police that they had seen a man clambering onto the roof of the building.

A video posted to social media shows one man shouting, “Officer! Officer!” as others point toward the building. “He’s on the roof!” a woman says.

Emerging tensions

The account from a Secret Service official also underscores emerging tensions between that agency and local authorities over who is to blame for the fact that the gunman was able to access a clear view of the event.

The Secret Service was responsible for the overall security plan, but the agency has said it relied on local law enforcement in areas outside the security perimeter.

The Agr building was not inside the perimeter, which required members of the public to pass through a metal detector before entering.

The Secret Service official said the sniper team inside the building was from Beaver County, which neighbors Butler County, where Saturday’s rally took place.

Local authorities said it was common for SWAT teams in nearby counties to supplement security for large events throughout western Pennsylvania.

The Beaver County district attorney’s office confirmed that a SWAT team from the county was at Saturday’s rally but declined to release additional information, pointing to ongoing investigations by state and federal authorities.

In a written statement Tuesday, the county district attorney’s office said, “We are proud of the heroic actions taken by our officers.”

Richard Goldinger, the Butler County district attorney, said in an interview that the SWAT teams from his jurisdiction were all inside the secure perimeter.

“Secret Service was in charge, and so it was their responsibility to make sure that the venue and the surrounding area was secure,” he told The Post.

“That’s common sense I think. That’s their job.”

He added, “For them to blame local law enforcement is them passing the blame when they hold the blame, in my opinion.”

The local newspaper, Beaver Countian, reported on Monday that counter-snipers were inside the building beyond the security perimeter for the event.

The outlet reported that a Beaver County police officer warned a command center that he had seen a man with a range finder — a device the helps estimate distances — before gunfire erupted.

A police sniper reportedly took a picture of 20-year-old Thomas Matthew Crooks before bullets began to fly, but never took a shot at him.

Counter-sniper

The Secret Service counter-sniper who killed the gunman, 20-year-old Thomas Matthew Crooks, had him in his sights and was trying to assess whether he had a weapon and was a threat, the official said.

Secret Service radio traffic had relayed that local police either spotted or were trying to find a suspicious man around that building.

The counter-sniper was a veteran marksman who is considered a legend in the Secret Service because of his high ratings for accuracy at long distances.

The counter-sniper who killed Crooks fired as soon as he saw Crooks lift a weapon, the official said.

That counter-sniper killed Crooks in one shot but seconds after he had fired at Trump, the official said.

The Secret Service’s advance security plan for addressing one of the main risks at the event — someone shooting from higher ground from outside the perimeter of the rally — was to have two teams of Secret Service counter-snipers stationed in front of the crowd, on the roofs of two barns behind Trump’s stage.

The local counter-snipers inside the Agr building were to provide “overcover” and surveil the crowd from the back and outside the perimeter.

Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle said in a television interview Tuesday morning that part of the reason the agency did not require a police officer to stand atop the roof of the Agr building was its slope.

“That building in particular has a sloped roof at its highest point, and so there’s a safety factor that would be considered there that we wouldn’t want to put somebody up on a sloped roof,” she said. “So, you know, the decision was made to secure the building from inside.”

Sloped roofs

The roofs of the barns where sniper teams were located are more steeply sloped than the roof of the Agr building, a Post analysis of visuals from the event found.

The risk of an open line of sight for a shooter has been a security concern that the Secret Service has sought to address in planning for public appearances of presidents ever since John F. Kennedy was assassinated by a rifleman positioned in the sixth-floor corner window of the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas in 1963.

Secret Service agents current and former have expressed shock that a gunman was able to get this close to the former president, an incident that is considered the most serious Secret Service security failure since the attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan in 1981.

The Post ’s video analysis shows a police officer in a black uniform looking up toward the top of the building.

Crooks began firing two minutes and two seconds after the starting point of the newly published video, which begins with a man’s voice saying that people were pointing toward the roof.

The shots began 86 seconds after the first audible attempts to alert police, according to the analysis, which synchronized several clips based on the sound of Trump’s voice over the public address system.

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

Shooter was ‘an outcast’

Classmates, FBI weigh in on motive for Saturday’s attack

BETHEL PARK, Pa. — After three days, an enigmatic portrait has emerged of the 20-year-old man who came close to killing former President Donald Trump with a high-velocity bullet:

He was an intelligent loner with few friends, an apparently thin social media footprint and no hints of strong political beliefs that would suggest a motive for an attempted assassination.

Even after the FBI cracked into Thomas Matthew Crooks’ cellphone, scoured his computer, home and car, and interviewed more than 100 people, the mystery of why he opened fire on Trump’s rally Saturday, a bullet grazing Trump’s ear, remained as elusive as the moment it happened.

“He sat by himself, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t even try to make conversation,” said 17-year-old Liam Campbell, echoing the comments of classmates who remembered the shooter in this quiet community outside of Pittsburgh.

“He was an odd kid,” but nothing about him seemed dangerous, he said. “Just a normal person who seemed like he didn’t like talking to people.”

No apparent motive

So far, there has been no public disclosure the shooter left any writings, suicide note, social media screed or any other indicator explaining his reasons for targeting Trump.

Crooks was registered as a Republican in Pennsylvania, but federal campaign finance reports also show he gave $15 to a progressive political action committee on Jan. 20, 2021, the day Democratic President Joe Biden was sworn into office.

The absence of a satisfactory explanation has led Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas to recount the lengthy federal investigation into the 2017 mass shooting in Las Vegas, the deadliest such attack in the nation’s history.

That probe closed after 17 months without finding any motive for what drove the 64-year-old gunman to fire more than 1,000 rounds into a crowd of concertgoers other than to “attain a certain degree of infamy.”

Crooks, with a slight build, wire-rimmed glasses and thin hair parted in the middle, went by “Tom.”

He was described by classmates at Bethel Park High School as smart but standoffish, often seen wearing headphones and preferring to sit alone at lunch looking at his phone.

Some said he was often mocked by other students for the clothes he wore, which included hunting outfits, and for continuing to wear a mask after the COVID pandemic was over.

“He was bullied almost every day,” classmate Jason Kohler said. “He was just an outcast.”

Historic precedent

After graduating from high school in 2022, Crooks went on to the Community College of Allegheny County, earning an associate’s degree with honors in engineering science in May.

He also worked at a nursing home as a dietary aide.

A 1997 Secret Service study into those who had attempted assassinations since 1949 found there was no single indicator that a person might seek to take the life of a public figure.

However, two-thirds of all attackers were described as “social isolates.”

Like Crooks, few had any history of violent crime or criminal records.

Most attackers also had histories of handling weapons but no formal weapons or military training, according to the study.

As a freshman, Crooks had tried out for his high school rifle team but was rejected for poor marksmanship, the Associated Press has reported.

Through his family, he was a member of the Clairton Sportsmen’s Club, a shooting range about 11 miles east of Bethel Park.

“We know very little about him,” club president Bill Sellitto said. “That was a terrible, terrible thing that happened Saturday — that’s not what we’re about by any means.”

Access to range, gun

The club has an outdoor range for high-powered rifles with targets set at distances of up to 187 yards.

Crooks was well within that range when he opened fire on Trump on Saturday from about 147 yards from where Trump was speaking, unleashing two quick volleys of rounds at the former president with an AR-15 style rifle.

His father, Matthew Crooks, bought the gun in West Mifflin, Pa., in 2013 from Gander Mountain, an outdoors chain.

Access to the Crooks home remained blocked by yellow police tape, with officers keeping watch and preventing reporters from approaching.

The day before the shooting, Thomas Crooks went to the sportsman’s club and practiced on the rifle range, according to a federal intelligence briefing obtained by the AP.

On the day of the attack, he purchased 50 rounds of 5.56 mm ammo for his rifle from a local gun shop and drove alone to Butler, Pa., the site of the Trump rally.

He parked at a gas station lot about a third of a mile from the event.

He wore camoflauge shorts, a black belt and a gray T-shirt with the logo of a popular YouTube channel dedicated to firearms.

Witnesses and law enforcement officials say Crooks walked around for at least a half-hour before climbing onto the roof of a building adjacent to the Butler Farm Show grounds, where Trump was speaking.

As spectators screamed for police to respond, Crooks opened fire, letting loose two quick bursts.

A Secret Service counter sniper fired back within about 15 seconds, killing Crooks with a shot to the head.

https://www.clairtonsc.org/new-shooters

Trump shooter had limited prep time

Crooks left little trace of deadly plot or ideology

Thomas Matthew Crooks wasn’t an ex-CIA agent with a homemade gun that could slip through metal detectors.

He didn’t carry an Uzi and wear a black tuxedo.

He was not a professional killer in the image of a Jason Bourne or John Wick.

Crooks was an isolated Gen-Zer with an associate degree who worked a low-wage job and lived with his parents.

Yet in an increasingly online world, where digital surveillance is easier than ever, the 20-year-old stayed unusually hidden while devising a plan to murder a former U.S. president – nearly successfully – in just 10 days of planning.

Butler, Pennsylvania, population 13,000, would not have been the most likely campaign stop for Donald Trump.

In fact, he had visited just once before his now-infamous July 13 rally, on Halloween night in the days leading up to the November 2020 election.

It wasn’t until July 3 that The Butler Eagle and other outlets reported that Trump would become the first-ever president, current or former, to return to the city for a second rally.

Until that point, there would have been no way to predict that this rally would be held at the Butler Farm Show grounds – putting the Republican nominee for president 54 miles from the Crooks family home.

Or that Secret Service agents and local police would leave the rooftop of an industrial building 150 yards from Trump’s podium unmanned.

Hours before the shooting, Crooks stopped at a Home Depot in his hometown of Bethel Park, Pennsylvania, and purchased a ladder, CNN and NBC reported.

Somewhere outside the rally venue, he parked a car with an explosive device in the trunk.

Although police were reportedly stationed inside the building, Crooks appears to have climbed on top with an AR-15-style gun, undetected, until some in the crowd spied him and began pointing and shouting.

'The security failures by law enforcement that day helped him look a lot more sophisticated than he would normally,' said Seamus Hughes, a researcher at the National Counterterrorism Innovation, Technology and Education Center at the University of Nebraska Omaha.

Still, Hughes said, it seems clear that Crooks demonstrated 'a level of sophistication,' plotting the attack on short notice, without amassing an internet footprint delineating any ideology – or even hitting law enforcement’s radar.

Crooks grew up in a three-bedroom brick house in Bethel Park.

It’s a red-leaning suburb of 13,000 residents near Pittsburgh where the median household income is $100,000 and grass yards blend together without fences.

His parents were licensed counselors, dad a Libertarian, mom a Democrat.

He had a sister, also a Libertarian, two grades older.

His own political leanings remain unclear.

He donated $15 to ActBlue, a political action committee supporting Democrats, in January 2021, the day of President Joe Biden’s inauguration.

Eight days after his 18th birthday that September, Crooks registered to vote in Allegheny County as a Republican.

He liked to shoot guns.

He and his father were members of the Clairton Sportsmen’s Club.

Some former classmates described Crooks as a loner – a smart kid who kept to himself and had few friends.

He went by 'Tom,' said Sean Eckert, who went to school with him in Bethel Park from fifth through 12th grade.

He rarely spoke up in class.

He often wore hunting clothes.

Eckert said he didn’t remember Crooks playing any sports, belonging to any clubs or student groups or going to school events.

Jason Kohler, who attended Bethel Park High School with Crooks, said he sat alone at lunch and was 'bullied every day.'

Kids picked on him for wearing camouflage and for his quiet demeanor, Kohler said.

Others, though, insisted he was not bullied at all.

Colan Saffer, who had known Crooks since elementary school, said they both tried out for the Bethel Park High School rifle team their freshman year.

Kohler said Crooks was asked to leave because he was 'a bad shot.'

A year before he earned his diploma in spring 2022, Crooks dual-enrolled at Community College of Allegheny County in Pittsburgh, studying engineering science.

He also worked as a dietary aide at a nearby nursing home, a food preparation job that pays $16 an hour, according to a job listing.

He completed his associate’s degree in May, school officials said, graduating with high honors and no discipline record. He planned to enroll at Robert Morris University in the fall.

This summer, Crooks was still too young to buy a beer, but he could legally buy an AR-15-style rifle. He didn’t need to, though; according to FBI officials, he used his dad’s. Law enforcement officials remain flummoxed so far about Crooks’ motive, multiple news outlets reported.

Although they gained access to his phone, CNN reported that they still haven’t found evidence of a political or ideological impetus and that his search history did not show he had researched homemade explosives.

In some ways, Crooks resembles a typical mass shooter, said Hughes:

Namely, he was young, male and apparently a loner.

In other ways, Crooks seems to buck trends.

Those who threaten public officials are typically twice Crooks’ age.

Whereas more than two-thirds have documented criminal histories, Crooks had none.

The National Counterterrorism Innovation, Technology and Education Center, where Hughes works, studies such threats.

Among people arrested on federal charges for threatening public officials, those with an ideological bent veered toward right-wing, racially motivated – and often misogynistic or religious – violent extremism.

But of the 503 arrested individuals, more than half did not display any ideological bent, Hughes said, which can be frustrating for the public and law enforcement to accept.

In that way, he said, Crooks more closely resembles the man who shot more than 400 people at a Las Vegas concert, killing 60, whose motive police still don’t understand.

'He may fall in this category of what we call ‘The Joker Effect,’' Hughes said.

'Some people want to become infamous, or they just want to watch the world burn.'

Secret Service under scrutiny after shooting

Homeland Security investigating rally security failures

The Department of Homeland Security’s inspector general’s office said Wednesday that it will investigate the Secret Service effort to provide security at Donald Trump’s campaign rally in Pennsylvania where the former president was shot and a rallygoer killed .

A notice posted on the office’s 'ongoing projects' website said the goal is to 'evaluate the United States Secret Service’s (Secret Service) process for securing former President Trump’s July 13, 2024 campaign event.'

The Secret Service falls under Homeland Security.

Also Wednesday, House Speaker Mike Johnson announced a bipartisan task force within the House to investigate the assassination attempt, saying 'we need answers for these shocking security failures.'

President Joe Biden previously ordered an 'independent review' of the security measures at the event.

Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle called the shooting 'unacceptable' but said she will not resign.

The House Committee on Oversight and Accountability has subpoenaed Cheatle to appear at a hearing on Monday.

Trump was speaking Saturday before throngs of supporters at the Butler Farm Show grounds in Pennsylvania when a gunman opened fire from the roof of a nearby building.

Trump, his face bloodied from a bullet that apparently injured his ear, was hustled off the stage by Secret Service personnel.

Trump supporter Corey Comperatore, 50, was killed and two other rallygoers were critically wounded before a sniper fatally shot the gunman, identified as Thomas Matthew Crooks.

The Secret Service has drawn criticism for failing to keep the shooter from gaining access to the roof - 150 yards from the rally - with an AR-15 semiautomatic rifle.

Local police officers had been stationed inside the building but none on the roof.

A tree close to the roof may have blocked the view of one of the sniper teams in charge of protecting Trump, CBS News reported, adding that another sniper team oriented in a different direction reacted to the shooting and killed the gunman.

The two people who were injured in the shooting, James Copenhaver and David Dutch, have been upgraded from critical to serious condition, Allegheny General Hospital said Wednesday.

The family of Copenhaver issued a statement Tuesday thanking first responders and those who have provided him with medical treatment since the shooting.

The statement said Copenhaver, a 74-year-old Pennsylvania resident, sustained 'life-altering injuries' in the attack and is in critical but stable condition at Allegheny General Hospital in Pittsburgh. The family also asked for privacy as Copenhaver recovers.

Friends and family of Comperatore will gather Thursday in Freeport, a small town on the Allegheny River, to pay their respects.

Funeral services will be held on Friday at his longtime Butler County church.

Comperatore has been proclaimed a hero after Gov. Josh Shapiro said the former volunteer firefighter dived onto his family to protect them when the shooting started.

James Sweetland, a doctor from Dubois, Pennsylvania, who was at the rally, rushed to help Comperatore.

But he had suffered a shot to the head above his ear and never regained consciousness.

Biden did not mention guns or gun violence during his first three public remarks on Saturday’s shooting including during a primetime Oval Office address Sunday night.

But in a speech Tuesday in Las Vegas at the NAACP National Convention, Biden finally did − declaring it’s time to ban assault weapons like the one used to shoot Trump.

Biden has responded to multiple gun massacres in recent years by reviving calls for stronger gun laws, including reinstating the nation’s ban on assault weapons, which expired in 2004, and requiring background checks on all gun purchases.

But the proposals have repeatedly failed amid Republican opposition in Congress.

'An AR-15 was used in the shooting of Donald Trump, just as it was assault weapons that killed so many others including children.

It’s time to outlaw them,' Biden said, drawing applause from supporters.

The gunman’s father, Matthew Crooks, called police after the shooting, worried that his son and a gun were missing, three senior law enforcement officials told NBC News.

Meanwhile, Fox News is reporting that the family called authorities before the shooting took place.

Iran rejected 'malicious' reports of an alleged plot to assassinate Trump, saying the Islamic nation seeks a 'legal path to bring him to justice' for ordering the assassination of an Iranian general in 2020.

The White House confirmed to USA TODAY a report that Trump’s security was increased in recent weeks after intelligence showed Iran had been plotting to kill him.

National Security Council spokesperson Adrienne Watson, in a statement issued Tuesday, said Iran has sought revenge since Trump ordered the killing of Qassem Soleimani, who Trump later described as 'the number-one terrorist anywhere in the world.'

Are We Already Moving On from the Assassination Attempt on Trump? Less than a week after the attempted assassination of Donald Trump, on July 13th, in Butler, Pennsylvania, it appears that most of the public and much of the media have already started to move on. This should not be surprising, given all that we hear these days about our short attention spans and the speed of history. But I admit that I have found it somewhat disturbing—not because I believe a great national trauma has taken place and that the country has decided to bury it deep under the ground, but because this swift diminishment of interest seems to reflect the manner in which we prioritize and value different types of violence. When I began writing this column, this past Tuesday, around 5:30 P.M. on the West Coast, there were no stories about the shooting in the top slots on the Web sites of the New York Times, the Washington Post, or the Wall Street Journal, all of which were focussed, appropriately, on the Republican National Convention. Evidently, the gunman, a twenty-year-old from suburban Pittsburgh named Thomas Matthew Crooks, did not leave behind a manifesto or some lengthy and lurid trail of online crumbs, and so, it seemed, there was no real story to tell. We still know little about him, save for a few details that already feel rote: he was a registered Republican who had donated to a liberal voter-turnout group; he worked in a nursing home; he showed passing interest in both computers and guns; and the few people who crossed his path never saw anything like this coming. On Wednesday, the F.B.I. reported that its agents had conducted numerous interviews, looked through documents, and could find no motive. Rather than regard the assassination attempt as an incident of political violence, many have begun placing it within a more common, even sadly pedestrian classification: the random shooter. A loner with an AR-15 commits an act of violence, and we typically have nothing to say except that this seems to happen all the time in America.

Is there more to say? Perhaps not much, or at least not much that would be especially newsworthy. Some of Trump’s supporters at the G.O.P. Convention are wearing faux bandages on their ear, in tribute to their hero; many commentators have demanded answers from the Secret Service, and have argued that Crooks’s near-success reflects major failures of the agency. But the lack of any serious and meaningful interpretations of why the shooting happened—outside of a few limp attempts to peg the shooting on one party or the other—suggests that we are not waiting for more details about the event, and that a flood of meaning will not likely come later. It seems that the public memory of violence in the United States has come to depend on our ability to ascribe a motive to the perpetrators that tells us something about our politics. Unexplainable tragedies vanish from the spotlight much more quickly than we expect, regardless of the scope of human suffering and death they inflict.

I was thinking about this kind of forgetting on a recent trip to Las Vegas, as I looked at the golden windows of the Mandalay Bay. In 2017, a gunman named Stephen Paddock busted out those windows and shot more than a thousand rounds into the crowd at the Route 91 Harvest festival of country music, killing sixty people and injuring hundreds more. Ten months later, Clark County’s sheriff said, “What we have not been able to definitively answer is why Stephen Paddock committed this act.” The windows of the Mandalay Bay have since been replaced, of course. The resort, which stands at the far edge of the Strip and thus is not squeezed between other audacious buildings, looks almost lonely, as if it is waiting for another hulking title to sidle up along its empty northern edge. The memory of the Route 91 Harvest massacre is, for most people, almost purely statistical: it is the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history. If or when that record is broken, Route 91 Harvest will become harder to distinguish from all the other mass shootings. I spend what can be called an unusual amount of time in Las Vegas, which means that I find myself looking up at those golden windows a couple times a year. Each time, I find myself searching for some profound, perhaps even Sebaldian thought, about ghosts, forgetting, and the glaziers of history. But I can never tease it out, at least not fully.

Why do these apparently senseless acts fade from our minds? The obvious answer is in that very senselessness. Because these events do not seem to reflect something explicit and obvious about our politics or our culture—and because it is difficult to blame anyone other than the gun manufacturers and the gun retailers and the shooters themselves, who are often dead—the acts don’t lend themselves to the narratives of the news or of history. But, in truth, many of the acts that have become sizable parts of this country’s collective memory, events that were more easily adapted into a familiar political narrative, were interpreted using messy bits of online commentary, deranged manifestos, a few evocative details dug up by the press or found by the police. If Crooks had joined a worrisome WhatsApp group or posted a few things on Discord, he might have become yet another example of online radicalization; there would be politicians to blame, and histories to be recounted about other violent splinter groups. But I believe this is generally a stupid way to think about these events. The difference between a supposedly meaningless mass shooting and a properly memorialized tragedy that prompts reflections on the state of politics in this country should not come down to whether a deranged young man clicked a particular box or typed a short message on some terrible Web site.

There is, of course, a conspiracy-minded segment of the American public that does not accept the standard interpretations of these events. They gather online and pore over aerial photos, scrub through every published news story, and actually read the dutiful government reports that come out long after the rest of the country has moved on. These people are suspicious of the sameness of these shooters, the way they seem almost engineered to ward off commentary or inquiry; these people fill in the gaps with fantasies of motive and causation. The attempted assassination of Trump has been ceded to conspiracy theorists with remarkable speed. The conspiracists, more than the media or historians—and perhaps even more than Trump, who, beyond some predictable self-aggrandizement, has not noticeably changed his rhetoric since the shooting—will keep the story alive. There were long stretches when Alex Jones almost single-handedly kept the Sandy Hook shooting in the news, because he repeatedly and falsely claimed that the killing of twenty children and six adults at an elementary school was a hoax, and was eventually sued by parents of those children who had been harassed by his followers. The Route 91 Harvest massacre has similarly, if more quietly, become a central fixation of the conspiracy community. This online imprint, shoved away in corners of the Internet—bulletin-board forums, subreddits, group chats—is like a ghost in the public memory. Here, the images, the texts, and the audio of these massacres—even those that do not have the political valence of the march on Charlottesville in 2017 or the insurrection at the Capitol on January 6th—are continuously refreshed.

I imagine that is where the attempted assassination of Trump will ultimately reside: as a story in conspiracy land, shoved somewhere near the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan, forty years before—an event which has remained much clearer in our minds, it must be said, because the shooter had seemingly done it to impress Jodie Foster, putting the act into the realm of pop culture. For the rest of us, the already infamous photo of a bloodied Trump raising his fist in the air might be all that remains, an icon of the defiance that his movement has embodied.

But, with each act of mass violence, the population of conspiracy land grows. Almost instantly, there were thousands of people online speculating about what the Secret Service might have been doing in the moments leading up to the shooting, how a twenty-year-old in 2024 had no social media presence at all, and whether the entire thing was staged for Trump’s benefit. The speculators are not all disaffected men or people who live entirely online; many are ordinary people who are trying to recount a story that everyone else seems to have agreed is inexplicable. Some of them will find other conspiracy theories and other people asking similar questions. Before too long, their world views may have profoundly changed. A culture of conspiracy is one of the inevitable costs for a country with so much violence, and so much forgetting, and so much insistence, however implicit, that a tragedy is only worth dwelling on if we can fit it into one of the political stories we already like to tell.

https://x.com/BackThebluecool/status/1814489451051049093

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UPDATE Requests rejected Lack of motive in attack upsets public However, analysts say it fits pattern of event defying categorization

In the week since the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump, details have emerged about sniper positions and Secret Service agents, witnesses and warnings.

But the answer to the biggest question remains elusive: Why?

So far, investigators say, they have found little evidence of an ideology driving the shooter, Thomas Matthew Crooks, a 20-year-old nursing home aide who was killed at the scene. The information gleaned from his phone, family and friends doesn’t offer a motive, national security analysts say, and the absence of a quick explanation has left room for the rapid-fire spread of partisan and conspiratorial theories shaping how millions of Americans view the attack.

Barring a breakthrough in the investigation, Crooks appears poised to join a string of high-profile attackers with no discernible ideological driver, or with influences from a mixed bag of beliefs. That outcome is frustrating for a nation struggling to make sense of the event, analysts say, but it fits into a pattern of bloody episodes that defy categorization along a traditional left-right spectrum.

“It’s hard, because when you go after a political target, you do assume political motive,” said Daniel Byman, a terrorism researcher at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, a national security think tank.

Investigators haven’t produced evidence showing an ideological motive that meets official definitions of terrorism, Byman and other analysts say.

Authorities typically explore other theories, too, including mental illness or a quest for notoriety.

The lack of conclusive findings has been difficult to accept for many Trump supporters. Attacks without clear motivation aren’t unusual and have increased, researchers say, in part as a reflection of the ideologies that swirl together on social media and gaming platforms, creating a toxic soup of grievances with no cohesive political agenda.

In 2022, an attack on Paul Pelosi, husband of then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), was carried out by a hammer-wielding man who had been involved in nudist activism and Green Party support before more recent racist rhetoric and expressions of hatred toward Democrats, according to analysts who have studied his writings.

As with Trump’s would-be assassin, extremists and partisans quickly stepped in to exploit the vacuum where a clear-cut motive would be.

The deadliest recent example was the 2017 mass shooting at a country music festival in Las Vegas that killed 60 people and injured hundreds. To this day, it’s unclear precisely why 64-year-old Stephen Paddock opened fire on concertgoers.

The FBI has released a trove of documents that showed he had a serious gambling habit but never declared a motivation for the rampage. Paddock killed himself before authorities reached him.

While many have assumed the motives behind the July 13 shooting were rooted in the heated rhetoric of a presidential campaign, a 1997 Secret Service study of American assassins and would-be assassins of public figures found that “attackers and near-lethal approachers of public officials rarely had ‘political’ motives.” Karl Schmae, a retired FBI supervisory agent, said the most relevant comparison to Crooks may be John Hinckley Jr., who tried to assassinate President Ronald Reagan in 1981.

“John Hinckley was a troubled guy and he just wanted notoriety,” Schmae said. “There was nothing in particular about Reagan other than killing him would make Hinckley famous.”

Top officials at the U.S. Secret Service repeatedly denied requests for additional resources and personnel sought by Donald Trump’s security detail in the two years leading up to his attempted assassination at a rally in Pennsylvania last Saturday, according to four people familiar with the requests.

The Secret Service, after initially denying turning down requests for additional security, is now acknowledging some may have been rejected as the organization was forced to make difficult decisions amid competing demands, a growing list of protectees and limited funding. WASHINGTON

Secret Service chief facing calls to resign

Champion for diversity hiring, she refused to bolster security for Trump events

WASHINGTON — When Kimberly Cheatle led the Secret Service’s operations to safeguard the American president and other dignitaries, she said she would talk to agents in training about the “awesome responsibility” of their job.

“This agency and the Secret Service has a zero fail mission,” Cheatle, who is now director of the agency, said in 2021 during a Secret Service podcast called “Standing Post.”

“They have to come in every day prepared and ready with their game face on.”

Now, the Secret Service and its director are under intense scrutiny following an assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump during a July 13 rally in Pennsylvania that wounded his ear.

Adding to that scrutiny is the agency’s acknowledgment late Saturday that it had refused to grant some of the Trump campaign’s requests for added security at his events, after initially denying that it had done so.

Cheatle, who will testify before lawmakers Monday after congressional committees and the Biden administration launched a series of investigations, told ABC News that the shooting was “unacceptable.”

When asked who bears the most responsibility, she said ultimately it is the Secret Service that protects the former president.

“The buck stops with me,” Cheatle said. “I am the director of the Secret Service.” She said she has no plans to resign, and so far she has the administration’s backing.

Democratic President Joe Biden appointed Cheatle in August 2022 to take over an agency with a history of scandals, and she worked to bolster diverse hiring, especially of women in the male-dominated service.

The second woman to lead the Secret Service, Cheatle worked her way up for 27 years before leaving in 2021 for a job as a security executive at PepsiCo. Biden brought her back.

Details are still unfolding about signs of trouble the day of the assassination attempt, including the steps taken by the Secret Service and local authorities to secure a building that the shooter, Thomas Matthew Crooks, climbed within an estimated 147 yards of where Trump was speaking.

An ex-fire chief at the rally, Corey Comperatore, was killed and two others were wounded.

The Biden administration has directed an independent review of security at the rally.

The Homeland Security Department’s inspector general has opened three investigations and congressional committees have launched others as calls mount for Cheatle to resign.

Two Republican senators demanding answers followed her as she walked through the Republican National Convention this past week.

The House Oversight and Accountability Committee subpoenaed Cheatle to appear Monday, and she is expected to be there.

Kristie Canegallo, Homeland Security’s acting deputy secretary, said the department has the “utmost confidence” in Cheatle.

The committee chairman, Rep. James Comer, R-Ky., said “the American people have lots of questions and they deserve answers. And this hearing tomorrow will serve as the beginning of that process to get answers for the American people as to what went wrong with an agency that has a no-fail mission.”

He told “Fox News Sunday” that Cheatle should expect about a six-hour hearing with “hundreds of questions that she’s going to have to answer and the American people will be watching.”

The Homeland Security Department did not make Cheatle available for an interview, but Canegallo defended her work.

Women in security roles

AFTERMATH:

After the assassination attempt, Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle and the female Secret Service agents who protected Donald Trump have faced scathing criticism and questions about whether Cheatle lowered hiring standards. Supporters are adamant that has not happened.

‘DISRESPECTFUL’:

“It is disrespectful to the women of the Secret Service of the Department of Homeland Security and to women law enforcement officers around the nation to imply that their gender disqualifies them from service to the nation and their communities,” said Kristie Canegallo, Homeland Security’s acting deputy secretary.

RECRUITING:

Like many law enforcement agencies, the Secret Service has been wrestling with how to attract and retain agents and officers. Women account for about 24% of the agency’s staff, according to its website. In a May 2023 interview with CBS News, Cheatle said she was conscious of the “need to attract diverse candidates and ensure that we are developing and giving opportunities to everybody in our workforce, and particularly women.” Pa. sheriff:

Officer encountered shooter on roof before Trump assassination attempt

“The officer had both hands on the roof to get up on the roof [but] never made it because the shooter had turned towards the officer, and rightfully and smartly, the officer let go,” Butler County Sheriff Michael Slupe said

Police1BUTLER, Pa. — Butler County Sheriff Michael Slupe has confirmed that an armed municipal officer encountered shooter Thomas Crooks before he fired shots at former President Donald Trump’s rally on July 13, KDKA reported.

Slupe stated that the officer was alerted to a suspicious person and was hoisted by another officer to the roof where Crooks was positioned. Election 2024 Trump

The gunman, identified as Thomas Matthew Crooks, 20, fired multiple shots at the stage from an “elevated position outside of the rally venue”

The officer let go and dropped off the roof when Crooks pointed his rifle at him, according to the report.

Crooks then began firing into the crowd, grazing Trump, killing one bystander and injuring two others.

“All I know is the officer had both hands on the roof to get up on the roof, never made it because the shooter had turned towards the officer, and rightfully and smartly, the officer let go,” Sheriff Slupe told KDKA.

Crooks was ultimately killed by sniper fire.

Buffalo Township Volunteer Fire Company chief Corey Comperatore “died a hero” when he “dove on his family to protect them,” Gov. Josh Shapiro said“I would have done the same thing, absolutely,” Slupe said.

“I mean, people think the officers are supermen like you hold on the roof with one hand while you are hanging on for dear life and pull a gun out. It doesn’t work that way.”

Slupe acknowledged there may have been a security failure but stressed the importance of waiting for the investigation’s results.

“There is not just one entity responsible; the Secret Service plays a key role in protecting, in this case, former President Trump, but they don’t act alone,” he said.

The Secret Service receives support from local police departments, which form a secondary ring of security around high-profile figures.

Election 2024 TrumpEffective presidential protection relies on more than just federal efforts.

Learn how local officers can contribute, stay informed and maintain crucial roles

Butler County District Attorney Richard Goldinger noted that multiple local agencies assisted with SWAT teams and snipers, according to the report.

“We provided some snipers for them. Some quick response teams. We didn’t have any responsibility with securing the perimeter or anything outside of that venue,” Goldinger said.

He explained that the hierarchy of command for security was led by the Secret Service, followed by state police, and then local municipal departments.Slupe expressed concern over how Crooks accessed the rooftop and remained undetected.

Election 2024 Trump

The Trump rally shooting demonstrated commendable actions like quick thinking by citizens, as well as shortcomings such as poor site selection and training gaps

Election 2024 Trump

Effective presidential protection relies on more than just federal efforts.

Learn how local officers can contribute, stay informed and maintain crucial roles

Election 2024 Trump

TRUMP ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

Secret Service chief: ‘We failed’

Bipartisan calls for her resignation come after congressional hearing

Republican and Democratic lawmakers on the House Oversight Committee called for U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle to resign Monday, saying she had lost the nation’s confidence after failing to answer detailed questions about the July 13 assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump.

Republican Chairman James Comer of Kentucky and ranking Democrat Jamie Raskin of Maryland were among the Congress members who urged Cheatle to step aside after she testified for 4 1/2 hours at the first congressional hearing since the attack on Trump at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania.

Raskin said both parties were united in their “bafflement” over the stunning operational failures that led to the shooting.

He lamented the “extraordinary communications gap” between Cheatle and Congress during the hearing.

“I will be joining the chairman in calling for the resignation of the director just because I think that this relationship is irretrievable at this point,” Raskin said at the hearing’s end. “I think that the director has lost the confidence of Congress at a very urgent and tender moment in the history of the country and we need to very quickly move beyond this.”

Cheatle has faced growing calls to step down as director after the security failures at the Trump rally, the first attack against a U.S. leader on the protective agency’s watch in more than 40 years.

She has said she will not resign.

Cheatle remained stoic as several lawmakers with the House Committee on Oversight and Accountability berated her and called for her resignation.

Democratic Rep. Ro Khanna of Cailfornia urged Cheatle to resign because the assassination attempt has shaken public faith in the Secret Service and her ability to lead the agency.

He said the issue transcends politics.

“I think you need to reflect,” Khanna told Cheatle. “You cannot go leading a Secret Service agency when there is an assassination attempt on a presidential candidate.”

Cheatle told lawmakers she accepted responsibility for the failure to stop the attack and acknowledged that it was the most significant stain on the agency’s record in decades.

Cheatle also told the panel she does not personally review the security plans for thousands of events attended by the 36 people under the agency’s protection.

Those reviews are conducted by a team of Secret Service officials, she said.

Questions

The lawmakers questioned why Trump was allowed to take the podium about 15 minutes after officers at the fairgrounds sighted a suspicious individual, later identified as Thomas Matthew Crooks.

Cheatle sought to make a distinction between suspicious behavior and a direct threat, saying the Secret Service would have “paused the rally had they known there was an actual threat.”

Cheatle said the agency is reviewing when agents were notified about Crooks, the 20-year-old gunman, and what they did about it.

Crooks gained access to an unsecured roof less than 150 yards from the stage of Trump’s campaign rally in Pennsylvania, where he opened fire with an AR-style rifle, injuring Trump, killing one man in the crowd and seriously wounding two others.

He was killed at the scene by a Secret Service countersniper.

Cheatle said the Secret Service is conducting an internal “mission assurance investigation” and that the report is due within 60 days.

She told the committee members she shared many of their questions and would report back with the answers once the investigation is complete.

Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez from New York told Cheatle that 60 days is “not acceptable.”

“It has been 10 days since an assassination attempt on a former president of the United States regardless of party,” Ocasio-Cortez told Cheatle. “There need to be answers.”

Probes into attack

The internal report is in addition to the FBI’s criminal investigation and other probes into the attack.

Cheatle shared some preliminary findings, acknowledging that the gunman used a drone in the area before the shooting.

“That information has been passed on to us from the FBI,” she said in testimony before the House Committee on Oversight and Accountability.

Cheatle also confirmed that a detonator device was found with Crooks’s body.

Cheatle told lawmakers that the FBI found explosives in Crooks’s possession and is investigating who may have shown him how to make them.

She confirmed that he appeared to have acted alone.

Cheatle frustrated several committee members by declining to answer detailed questions.

She would not say how many agents were assigned to Trump that day but said the number was “sufficient.”

Cheatle did not say whether the Secret Service deployed a drone to surveil the area and declined to answer questions about how Crooks was able to get his rifle onto the roof and when the area would have been “swept,” or inspected, before the rally.

“So can you answer this question, which I think is on the mind of most Americans thinking about this?” Raskin said. “How can a 20-year-old with his father’s AR-15 assault weapon climb onto a roof with a direct 150-yard line of sight to the speaker’s podium without the Secret Service or local police stopping him?”

She did not have the answer.

“I will say we are nine days out from this event, and I would like to know those answers as well, which is why we are going through these investigations to be able to determine that fully,” she said.

Dodging questions

Lawmakers’ frustrations grew as Cheatle continued to dodge questions about what constituted a threat.

She said she did not want to speak prematurely about an ongoing investigation.

But lawmakers said she could at least tell them what she knew.

The tone of the hearing grew more heated as lawmakers accused Cheatle of stonewalling.

One exasperated Republican lawmaker, Rep. Pat Fallon of Texas, derisively told Cheatle to “go back to guarding Doritos.” Cheatle worked as a top security official at Pepsi Co. North America, which manufactures the snack food, before her appointment as Secret Service director in September 2022.

Under repeated questioning by Rep. Jake LaTurner, R-Kan., Cheatle confirmed that the FBI informed her that the Beaver County emergency services unit noticed Crooks on the roof and photographed him before Trump took the stage.

Cheatle did not say when the FBI relayed that information to the Secret Service or when the agency deemed Crooks a threat.

Cheatle confirmed at the hearing that Crooks arrived at the rally with a range finder, a tool used to gauge outdoor distances for use in photography, surveying or shooting.

But she said that a “range finder is not a prohibited item” and that carrying one did not necessarily make him a threat.

LaTurner asked Cheatle when agents might have identified Crooks as a threat.

“If that same individual with the range finder is found on a rooftop, is that still just suspicious, or is that considered threatening?” LaTurner shot back.

“That could be termed still as suspicious,” she said.

Calls for resignation

The initial part of Monday’s hearing was notable for members’ sober, serious tone, with a methodical approach to questioning Cheatle by Republican and Democratic members.

Some Republican members started shaking their heads and audibly saying “no” when Cheatle declined to say whether Secret Service agents were positioned on the roof used by the attacker.

Republicans berated Cheatle and some called for her resignation because of the lack of answers and concern that the security flaws exposed at the Pennsylvania rally are ongoing.

Cheatle signaled that she intends to stay.

“I think I am the best person to lead the Secret Service at this time,” Cheatle said in response to questioning from Republican Rep. Virginia Foxx of North Carolina that cast doubt on her leadership qualifications.

Republican Rep. Nancy Mace of South Carolina asked Cheatle if she would like to use the lawmaker’s five minutes of time to “draft her resignation letter.” Cheatle quietly responded, “No, thank you.” Republican says he re-created shooting

Frisco lawmaker tells panel it’s ‘a miracle’ Trump lived

WASHINGTON – U.S. Rep. Pat Fallon was in prone position on a sloped roof, holding his AR-15 rifle. The time was 6:30 p.m. Distance to target, 130 yards.

The Frisco Republican sought to recreate the conditions that faced a would-be assassin who opened fire on former President Donald Trump during a July 13 rally in Butler, Pa.

Fallon recounted the simulation Monday at a House Oversight Committee hearing, during which lawmakers delivered a brutal, bipartisan tongue-lashing to U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle over the agency’s failures in Butler and what they characterized as a lack of information since.

Fallon said he wasn’t sure which of two kinds of scopes the shooter had used, so he took eight shots with each type during his exercise.

Behind him, an aide displayed two human-shaped targets riddled with bullet holes.

“You know what the result was? Fifteen out of 16 kill shots,” Fallon said as his voice rose and he banged his fist on the table. “And the one I missed would have hit the president’s ear. That’s a 94% success rate. And that shooter was a better shot than me. It is a miracle President Trump wasn’t killed.”

Fallon said he’s never received long-gun training and had shot his AR-15 only once before, six years earlier.

Cheatle testified her agency failed in its mission, promising to discover what went wrong and “move heaven and earth” to ensure it never happens again.

Frustrated Republicans and Democrats grew more pointed in their questions as she repeatedly refused to provide specific answers about what happened and why.

Cheatle often referred lawmakers to the FBI, which is conducting a criminal investigation.

The Oversight Committee often features bitterly partisan fighting, but there was plenty of shared frustration on both sides of the aisle over Cheatle’s lack of answers.

Members from both parties, including its Republican chairman and top Democrat, called for her resignation during the hearing.

U.S. Rep. Pete Sessions, R-Waco, cited her nearly 30 years of experience with the U.S. Secret Service and said Cheatle should be able to provide some analysis of where protection broke down.

“How long do we have to wait before you can give us credible answers?” Sessions asked.

Cheatle said the agency’s goal is to complete an internal investigation within 60 days and cited various other investigations in progress.

U.S. Rep. Jasmine Crockett, D-Dallas, used her time to make points about addressing potential bias among law enforcement officers, the role of gun regulations in preventing shootings and the need for politicians to tone down their rhetoric.

She added that Cheatle’s lack of answers could feed conspiracy theories about the shooting.

“I don’t doubt the Secret Service is on the side of the American people,” Crockett said.

“But right now, so long as these conspiracy theories continue to fester, it is going to make your job that much harder.”

Fallon was deeply biting in his assessment, questioning how anyone could have confidence in the agency’s ability to stop trained foreign professionals if its personnel could be outsmarted by a 20-year-old loner.

He brought up claims security personnel weren’t on the roof used by the shooter because of safety concerns about its slope. He said those are “pathetic excuses” and “cow dung.”

He mockingly referred to Cheatle’s previous job as senior director in global security at Pepsico, which manufactures snack foods.

“Your horrifying ineptitude and your lack of skilled leadership is a disgrace,” Fallon said. “Your obfuscating today is shameful. And you should be fired immediately and go back to guarding Doritos.”

youtube

And right after they passed that law, we ended up with Uvalde.

#youtube

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aggressiveviking · 2 years

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i think a lot of people are misunderstanding Eddie Munson

i've seen very stereotypical interpretations of his character - a metalhead, long hair, outspoken and loud. So its easy to assume he is this angry-at-the-world teenager.

But Eddie didn't actually insult people, he didnt express hate for people (the way Billy does). He expressed a frustration for the way society forces people to conform to ridiculous ideas and imaginary hierarchy, and how that can ruin and often contribute in the deaths of kids.

The idea that Chrissy Cunningham is the only popular kid he is nice to (because he has a crush on her) is false, because he wasn't really mean to anyone.

I've seen a lot of posts about how eddie "hates popular kids" which is not true at all. he simply expresses that he finds the popularity culture ridiculous and even when he was insulted he just like made a face and smiled, he didn't respond beyond that, and there was no anger and hatered in it. in the cafeteria he even smiled at the cheerleaders and made way for them, literally

its really nice tbh how respectful he is even when he is publicly speaking against things. i havent really seen that much lately (online or in tv shows and movies). people always seem to attack other people, and its a given for outcasts to have a hate for popular kids.

eddie is just like "i dont hate you, i hate the things that divide us", which i completely agree with.

And when you consider all this - Eddie is so different from Billy. People place them in the same category but they are so different in character. the only thing they have in common is the music they listen to and maybe a bit of their fashion style (but not really because Eddie seems to love layering clothes and customizing them with pins and art of his favorite bands, while Billy dresses in more revealing, contemporary sexy style that generally appeals to all, with a little bit of metal vibes thrown in, for a sprinkle of danger)

billy is filled with hate and anger that he needs to express. he doesnt care who or what he projects that onto. (i could say a lot more about billy but this is not a post for him so i won't)

eddie on the other hand is not filled with anger. he seems like a person who is frustrated with society but he doesnt hate anyone. i dont see him even as a person who wants to fight. with anyone. i dont see him wanting to get physical with anyone. he truly is a sweet summer child.

which makes his death even more infuriating… he didnt want to fight and he didn't seem to know how to fight. he only fought because he was pressured into it. it was all about "people" thinking he is a coward because he runs away from danger and he felt ashamed from that. in the end the social expectations that he fought against were what contributed mostly into his death.

thats why i really didn't like anything that happened in the season because the characters actions were in clear contradiction with their personal values. it just didnt make any sense.

I liked Eddie's character as he was. He didn't need to be a hero. Not every person can be a hero. People who are willing to lay down their life for others or for the greater good are very few. Most people are afraid and most people would run away. I know I would and I wouldn't fault anyone for being scared.

I don't think it's brave and commendable to throw your life away, especially when there would have been a lot of different ways to handle the given situation without anyone losing their life.

#i'm just spitballing #this got pretty long so ill leave it at that #eddie munson #billy hargrove #stranger thing s4 #stranger things #st

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roguestarsailor · 3 years

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my hot take on mal and why hes wonderful and why malina is the proper coupling (and im gonna shit on darkling/darklina for a bit)

*these might not be new thoughts but i want to express my love for mal and malina (and i just finished the books like a few hours ago so my brain is on fire) there was so much mal slander on the malina tags and i wanted to throw in my 2 cents!!*

- mal literally had nobody. this kid is a literal orphan! i love that he figured out what to fight for and kept his head in the game. i am a sucker for characters who needs to fight to get anywhere in life. he was gifted the tracking skill and befriending alina and thats it. characters like him have grit and a personality that makes them tough and fearless and i am always going to root for their happy endings

- this poor man has to face these super powerful beings without powers. its hella intimidating to be just regular while being surrounded by folks who can blast light, manipulate winds and waters and fabricate things from nothing. he worked with what he got and that was tracking and being physically fit to fight and i fucken applaud that!!!

- he never got in alina's way. i think whats tragic is that he internalized how much of a "low born"/"nobody" he was and saw that alina was destined for so much more and he made sure he was useful at all times. at the beginning of seige and storm, it felt like mal was hindering alina because she couldnt use her powers and that made her feel like complete shit (i wasn't team mal at that moment but what else were they suppose to do. darkling was worse tbh!!)

- he's just a kid. hes struggling! i was sad when it was confirmed that he and zoya were a thing for a bit (and has been with other girls) but thats just being a teen in a war torn society (and also hyping him up to be desirable for the audience)

- even his maturity is very much in line with him being a kid and trying to navigate being a soldier and then having to shifting his entire purpose to aligning with just alina. he was suppose to just be a soldier, and die honorably depending whos attacking who. but he rejected his training/soldier mindset and found alina because he knew she needed him! he could have died soooo many times, he lost friends but he had to roll with the punches the entire time. and again, this man got nothing going for him! just his love for alina!

- i dont think YA books appreciate the boys without power; those who aren't royalty and aren't born with wealth and poise. mal had to learn to survive at an early age and that includes learning to be likeable and social, being a skilled soldier, and tracker (but that was a gift). i love that alina also started out in a shitty position but she also learned her power and voice.

- mal lets alina be herself! I love female protagonists who are ambitious and want to stay in power but for alina, i like that she wants the ordinary things. she wants a normal life that isn't full of explosion, talk of war or politics or grand dresses. mal let her be goofy and let her be childlike-- see their banter, see their mischiefs growing up. darkling and nikolai needed her to be a summonor/weapon and a queen/leader. they demanded her to use her powers and be a face that decorated their arms; they demanded her to be this surreal being that hordes of people will follow. she has to be regal; has to be poised and laugh and smile on command; be an intimidating figure especially in this war torn country.

- mal wanted alina because she's his best friend! thats it! my favorite moment (and ended up being the sad moment) was in ruin and rising when there was a meteor shower and nikolai found alina first and them walking together arm-in-arm to go see it. mal, with a big smile on his face, was rushing to her to tell her about the shower but stopped short when he saw them together. in that paragraph, alina talked about how mal always ran to her when something that made him happy happens (ugh my sappy heart!!!)

- grishas are the marginalized group and face horrendous torture and systematic prejudges and ravka should have been a place they could feel safe. i like that darkling was fighting for them...but it falls apart when it seems he was hell bent on making sure alina fall in line. he could be that radical; thats fine but he was so obsessed with alina; he was manipulative !!

- i know we're suppose to sympathize with him because he grew up filled with hatred from his mom, grew up in a society that hates people like him and at its core, hes just a lonely boy where nobody understands him because hes soooo powerful and can live 5ever and only alina could understand him because her power measures up to him. but heres the thing, just learn to be a good person wtf??? also he had his mom???? he had someone???? also learn to make friends?? mal fucken did it and he got nobody. learn to build ships??? like nikolai who is an outcast in his own family. (im harsh to characters that live forever and refuse to budge from their original notion about the world. because u spent all that time being alive and not do a thing about that??)

- darkling just latched onto alina for her power. and he is demanding her to be his partner without understanding her and what she needs. he flirts w her, seduces her and plays her so he can be the ultimate powerful figure to lead ravka--so his goal stopped being saving grisha and demanding things from people. ugh how can anybody ship darkling and alina???

- at no point would it feel balanced if alina and darkling were a thing because alina will constantly play catch up. she will always feel like she has to be an adult and has to be this face for the people to follow. she could live with him forever and what?? learn to love him??? i guess??? doing what?? controlling ravka forever???

- anyways i love mal. i dont think hes boring. while browsing the tag for s&b and malina, it was just filled with mal slander! and this is my response to some of the hate. he's literally trying his goddamn best; he literally has no power and has to learn to defend himself the best he can. he is the type of character that has to fight for his survival, fight for his worth and fight for his love!!!! whats not to like???

#amandabookthoughts #shadow and bone #shadow and bone trilogy #leigh bardugo #malina #pro malina #mal oretsev #alina starkov #darkling #aleksander morozova #long post #pro mal #anti darklina

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armve1ns · 3 years

Text

as much as i love my gnc trans brothers and sisters, im getting tired of people arguing that its regressive to want to be masculine as a man, or feminine as a woman.

i used to be pretty gnc, and yknow what? it was fun! but it wasnt for me longterm. ive figured out that my desire to be gnc was stemming from a lifelong idea that i would never fit in with general society, so id try to fit in with the out groups

for me, being gnc was an unhealthy style that validated my beliefs that i would always be an outcast. it was rebellion against something that doesnt apply beyond high school in my area.

so let me speculate a bit

firstly, the acceptance of gnc people is progressive. that doesnt mean conforming is regressive, its only regressive if you demand it. this is a personal style that only affects the individual, so demanding that people be gender conforming or non-conforming is regressive. let people wear what they want. period.

demanding conformity to the norms of an out group is becoming more and more common. ive seen people claim quirky taste as autistic, ive seen people claim that being gay with masc for masc preference means youre internally homophobic, ive seen people claim that conforming to your gender as a trans person is internalised transphobia.

guess what? liking vintage clothes isnt inherently autistic! liking masculine men in dating doesnt mean you hate feminine men! wanting to conform to your gender as a trans person is liberating for many of us! demanding sweeping conformity in any situation is dickish!

many of these people seem stuck in a high school clique mindset. i get it, i used to be like that as well. high school was rough. but theyre adults. they dont need to dress like one, and they dont need to act like one. most people though, myself included, are sick and tired of them not thinking like one.

trauma can cause that! being slow to social change can cause that! whatever your reason for acting like its high school, i can probably sympathize. that doesnt mean im gonna coddle you and say you shouldnt change your thinking! it means im gonna try to gently coax you in the right direction.

it seems people like this have taken over the trans community. i know they dont speak for everyone there, but the majority of the voices im hearing want nothing to do with mature discussions.

the trans community helped me immensely in the past, but the inexperienced and ignorant voices are becoming too loud for it to be of any use to me anymore.

not trying to be dramatic, im in a genuinely good place. i just dont feel like fighting to keep it sane anymore when i know its pointless. ill fight for trans people, but i wont fight for the trans community. its become a toxic place on every side of every discourse.

i know ill never be cis. but i only consider myself trans in the medical sense. my brain is that of a man, so i see no need to call myself a trans man outside of medical situations, especially within lgbt spaces

legit, no hate to gnc folks, no hate to trans folks, no hate to the lgbt community. i just dont really want a part of any of these groups anymore. mostly for my own progress, but partly cause the vocal minority in these groups are immature

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violetnotez · 5 years

Text

My Hero

Pro Hero! Red Riot x Reader

I havent seen much for Pro Hero Red Riot so I thought Id mine as well give it a shot! This is a rewrite of one of my older fics so I hope its a little better than the last :)

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Genre: Angst (ish) to Fluff

Word Count: 2500+

Warnings: Catcalling, cussing

Summary: When you decide to leave your neglectful date and walk home, your met with a drunken idiot who cant seem to understand the meaning of “No”-until the hero Red Riot comes to save the day.

One Shot

(RULES | MASTERLIST| REQUESTS OPEN!!! :))

Why did I ever think this was going to be fun,” you thought miserably, the chilly night air biting your exposed skin.

Parties were never your “thing”, since nobody really invited you. It wasn’t because you were hated at your school or were an outcast; it was just you didn’t care to belong to a ‘clique’. You were a roamer, being a friend to anyone who was nice and social enough to talk to you, but you never became to the level of close friends with any of them. So, when you had been invited to go to a house party by one of your guy friends who was a little bit popular, you were more than just a “little” shocked. You were completely confused on why, but you shrugged it off and just decided to go. How bad could it be?

Very bad, more than you had expected, and now you were cursing at yourself for even agreeing to be his date. He decided to take you with a group of his old high school friends, who were the definition of a typical “Popular” group of high school: a bunch of lip glossed cheerleaders and crazy sports fanatics. It would’ve been tolerable to be around such a group if your “date” was polite enough to pay attention to you, but he had ran off to be idiots with all his football buddies, leaving you defenseless with the slightly air headed cheerleaders.

You were seriously itching to rip out your hair from frustration all night.

When two hours of having to deal with high pitch squeals from girls who would laugh at anything the guys would say finally hit, you were thoroughly annoyed and grossed out and wanted to go home. You tracked down your date, told him you were leaving, and walked yourself home, politely declining his offer of driving you home.

You had just passed what looked like another house party, the music pumping through the windows as people came in and out of the house, stumbling and dancing around with no care in the world.

To say you were mad was an understatement. You were exhausted from having to act like you were enjoying yourself so you didnt look like a whiny prick, mad that you had actually used up your money (and was now broke) on a dress and a pair of shoes you’d never wear again, and a little hurt your “date” just left you to fend for yourself with his buddies’ dates all night.

You were so frustrated at yourself and the whole situation, you almost didn’t hear the person behind you.

“Hey hottie, where ya going lookin like that?”

You whipped around, the slurred voice making your blood run cold.

The guy in front of you was definitely intoxicated, his overly gelled hair slicked back, his polo untucked and a red cup in his hand. His face was plastered with such a smug smile, it made you want to cringe from disgust. This guy was a total creep.

“Buzz off,” you gave him a dirty look, mustering your face to look menacing when on the inside you were terrified.

“Playing hard to get, huh, babe? I like that,” the drunken idiot walked closer, his drink sloshing out of the cup and the stink of alcohol and sweat hitting you, making you feel dizzy.

“No,” you walked backwards quickly in fear, “Im trying to get away from you! Now go to back to your party and leave me alone.” You pleaded the last part, wishing you could break out in a run but knew you’d hurt yourself on your shoes.

He was getting too close for comfort. You could now see clearly the stitching of the emblem on his polo, a bright cherry red. HIs breath was suffocating you, making it harder to breath. You looked around desperately for any way out.

“Why dont you come inside, baby- you’ll definitely want to stay here once your alone with me,” the drunken idiot licked his lips, making you shiver in disgust.

“What the hell!” you gasped in shock, pushing him away from you. “Get the hell away from me you creep!” you yelled, hoping somebody would hear you as you frantically walked backwards, trying a last ditch attempt to shake this creepo off as he drunkenly groped for your arm.

“Whats your deal?!” the man yelled accusingly, as if you were in the wrong and stumbling closer to you. “Why are you being such a bitc-”

“I wouldnt finish that sentence if I were you.”

You looked up quickly, your eyes still wide with terror as you searched for the source of the voice. Your gaze fell upon a boy wearing a plain gray hoodie, with spiky hair as red as a cherry. His eyes were dark, slanted in a mad glare. He looked as if he was going on a night run, and you felt relief flood your body- somebody heard you and was willing to help.

“What the hell dude, mind your own damn business-!” the drunk yelled out in anger, but then he paused, and something strange happened- the man actually looked scared. ‘Wait...I know that hair...your the hero Red Riot, right?” he said with a mix of awe and terror, turning sober for the span of .2 seconds.

“Huh, so you do have a brain? Wouldn’t have guessed that!” he laughed, a feeling of safety warming your body- a Hero was saving you-and a great one at that! You remembered that name instantly- you had seen Red Riot all the time on TV, sporting that signature red, spiky hair everywhere he went. He was always fighting some villain with that amazing Hardening quirk of his, and you had always taken time to admire his costume (and his amazing body). He was pretty young for a hero, around his early 20′s, but was already being described as one of the “Best Debuting Heroes” of that year.

The drunk man stood there, his groggy mind trying to understand the insult. You took that time to make a run for it- you shoved him again, his drink spilling all over his shirt as you ran towards your savior.

“Dude, what the hell!” he sputtered as he looked down at his now beer soaked shirt.

Red Riot instantly protected you once you got close enough to him, shielding you with his body from the idiot in front of you two. “You gotta admit,” Red Riot said, a laugh spilling out of his lips, “you kinda deserved that. Its not cool to keep pushing on a girl if she says “no”, man.”

The drunken man’s face turned red from anger and embarrassment.

“Ya know what, he yelled, “I dont give a damn if your a hero, I’m gonna beat your ass into the ground!”

The drunken idiot threw his cup on the floor, sprinting up to the hero and throwing him a punch aimed for his head.

You gasped, not expecting something so reckless and violent to happen so quickly. Red Riot instantly blocked, though, as if it was a reflex, his hardening quirk making his arm jagged like a mountain cliff.

“Hitting a hero! That wasnt very smart,” Red Riot replied calmly, as if amused. You watched the drunk’s face contort in shock, and then into panic as Red Riot swung a matching punch to his face, knocking him out cold.

Kirishima looked down at the man in distaste- he hated scumbags like this, who treat others like property and expect rewards for being aggressive. To be honest, he’d loved to do more than just one lousy punch on this idiot but- he was a hero, and heroes didn’t abuse their powers. If he did, he’d be just as bad as this creep.

He sighed, giving one last look to make sure the drunk was breathing and okay-which he was- and turned to the startled girl behind him.

“You alright miss?” Red Riot asked softly, concern in his voice.

You turned sharply, your hair flipping away from your face as you looked up at the hero, your chest hurting from the fear you were feeling moments before.

You looked at him in shock and awe- “You just saved my life,” you stated, the sound of your steady voice surprising you.

He scratched his head, almost looking embarrassed. “Its nothing, really,’ he said quickly, his concern pushing you for an answer. “DId he do anything to you? Are you hurt?”

“A little shaken up,” you said with a weak smile, “but nothing I cant handle.”

“Im sorry you had to deal with that,” he stated, the slight anger in his voice surprising you. “But- is it okay if I can walk you home? I really don’t feel comfortable letting you walk by yourself. The streets are super dangerous at night.”

You laughed sarcastically, trying to ease your nerves and keep the growing pit of emotions at bay. “Yeah, kinda figured that out the hard way.” You paused, thinking the new situation over- you didnt want to walk home by yourself, that was not happening. You felt unsafe, and violated, and the anger and slight embarrassment bubbled in your stomach, threatening to come out in streams across your face. You wanted to forget this, and you felt embarrassed that someone witnessed what just happened, even if it was a person who helped you and you surprisingly felt comfortable around. He seemed like a genuinely good person- someone who would listen to and truly care about someone.“I shouldn’t be embarrassed,” you thought violently to yourself, “it isn’t your fault.” But the feeling of being rejected and then sought after in a disgusting way made you feel crushed, and you couldn’t keep everything in any more. The tears came quietly, then slowly came on harder, the sound of sobbing escaping your mouth.

You willed your tears to go back, to evaporate and leave you, but that, inevitablely, didn’t work. But, surprisingly, the hero didn’t question this. He gently wrapped his arms around you, the soft thin fabric shielding your exposed skin from the cold.

It did feel awkward to hug a stranger at first, but it quickly soothed you.. He didn’t feel so much as a stranger, but an anonymous confidant, a past friend, someone who was easy to be with and be your real self, and not have to pretend that life was great all the time. Sometimes life throws you some curveballs-You just needed someone who a least cared a little bit about how you felt when you got two curveballs in one night.

“You’re safe, I got you. Its not your fault- Youll be okay.”

Your shoulders shook slightly as the tears left your face, the feeling of relievement making you feel much better. As your breathing began to go back to normal pace, you pushed away gently, your now shiny face smiling in embarrassment with a sniffle.

“Are you sure he didnt hurt you? Or do anything to you?” he asked again, his voice filled with care and urgency as he looked into your eyes, searching for an answer. His hands on your shoulders shielded you from the cold, the fabric tickling your skin.

“Yeah, Im okay, what you saw is all he did,” you said, your voice thick from crying. “Im sorry I broke down a little, just-, you sighed, feeling there was no point in keeping your walls up- “ it hasnt been the best night.”

He hugged you again, this time being quicker and harder.

“Dont be sorry for crying, you deserve to. Im just sorry I wasnt here sooner.”

Your heart melted a little for this boy and his big heart. You pushed a piece of hair away from your face, your cheeks a little warmer than the rest of your body.

“No your fine, you didnt know that was happening, Im just so grateful for you helping when you did. I really do mean it when I said you saved my life.”

The hero shuffled, embarrassment yet again evident in his mannerism.

“Just doing my job I guess!” his eyes filled with happiness, the evident blush looking almost comical.

“So- is it alright if I can walk you home?”

You giggled, your stress now alleviated and the look on his face looking so silly it made you feel almost peaceful.

“Of course,” you replied, and you began to walk alongside him.

You two walked quietly, the soft breeze nipping your skin, but filling your lungs with brisk air, clearing your head. The silence between you two was comfortable as both of you thought deeply. You were going over the events of the night- the feel of betrayal and annoyance, then extreme fear, and relief, and sadness, guilt, happiness- it was so much to process you couldn’t wrap your head around it. But one thing you could think clearly on was the person next to you. You gave him a side eyed glance, staring at his sweatshirt, the toned muscles contouring the sweatshirt. You wish you could know who he was- he seemed sweet and genuine, and not to mention even more handsome in person. But being around him felt peaceful, even for just talking to him for a few moments-the feeling was a little intoxicating.

As Red Riot caught your side eyed glance, the feeling of butterflies filled his stomach. He had just met this girl, but he already knew he liked her. She had a fighter’s spirit, she wasnt hung over the fact that he was a hero and gawking at him like some object- she treated him like a person, not just some hero. She was sweet to him, even though she looked like she just had the crappiest night of her life. And the fact he found her unbelievably pretty made the butterflies fill his stomach with a ticklish feeling.

You two began to start talking a little, slowly becoming more comfortable. You talked about everything, from school to friends to hero work to anything you could think of. By the end, both of you were hurting from laughing and the smiles that were plastered on your faces.

You both reached the front steps of your apartment building, the look of happiness on your face making Kirishima feel great inside. He knew a comfortable walk would make you feel better- it always did for him. But he knew he just met you and he shouldn’t go out of his way so much to help a stranger, but you looked like you needed it. And he had this itching feeling like you deserved something good to happen to you. Everyone does, right?

You looked at him, feeling a rush of butterflies fill your stomach. You had never wanted to get to know someone more so hard in your life. To just know who he was and thank him properly would alleviate the sudden need to know him, not just “Red Riot”. You grabbed your hands tightly, wishing the walk wouldnt ever end.

“Thanks again for everything,” you smiled warmly, making Red Riot’s stomach bubble with butterflies.

“Yeah, no problem!” he replied, sadness ebbing into him at the thought of leaving you. His eyes suddenly light up, an idea striking him.

“Do you by any chance have your phone on you?” he asked sweetly. You gave him a slightly confused look, but nodded, handing him your phone.

He quietly punched in a few characters in the key pad, and then handed back your phone. You looked down and there was his phone number in your contacts, and his name- “Kirishima.”

“That’s my last name-and- uh- my number,” he chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his neck, “If you never need anything, or want to talk and maybe...go on a date, just-”

“How about tomorrow at 2?” you asked quickly, wanting so badly to meet him again.

Kirishima was caught completely off guard- in a good way. Electricity flooded his body, as if all his nerves were on everload..

“2 so great! I'll be off tomorrow, so wherever you want to meet, I'll be there!” His smile was so happy and large, you couldn't help but smile back.

“Thanks again,” you said softly, feeling as if you were in a dream.

Then you did something you wouldn't even expect from yourself- you kissed him on the cheek, before looking one last time at your hero before you closed your front door softly.

“Wait!” Kirishima yelled as he realized something.

“Hm?” you opened the door a crack, your freezing legs hidden behind the warm inside of the door.

“I never got your name!”

You laughed as you realized you never actually did introduce yourself. “Its y/n!”

Kirishima thought your name was beautiful- a pretty name to match a pretty girl. “Well- good night y/n!” You waved goodbye, a smile playing on your lips as you closed your door.

Kirishima looked at your front porch, the spot you kissed still tingling and his heart pounding. He looked at your door in a blissful daze- he couldn’t believe that just happened. A grin spread on his face as he finally turned away from your house, and walked off with a warmth creeping in his chest. A pretty girl he saved kissed him. Well- on his cheek- but still. It was a win for the books.

-----------------------------

Requests open!!!!!

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hxndlv · 4 years

Text

My understanding of the Relatioship with God.

What does it mean, that God is The Father...??

Some sort of Truth I comprehended. Don't ask Me how I know It. I Just know. I believe it came from Akashic Records. Thanks to The Holy Spirit for inspiration, and possibility for Me to father this composition. I dedicate It to The Love of God, and in rememberence of My Ancestors.

Can The God, and The Father be Same Being?

They are indeed. Father of all of His Creation. The Source is obviously more than that, but the part of Its existence is pure Potential. Unlimited number of possibilities. Love. The Great Consciousness. All That Is, and Its "Life" closed in the Walls of Nonexistence. Nothing to be compared to. Then, He gave birth to The Living Light, pure, personificated Goodness, the State of Rightiousness We can try to understand, (and for some of Us it is possible,) as a Son of God, the highest Layer of Christed Being. (God HimSelf isnt made of layers, they are attached to Our cognitive senses, kind of Our understanding, which depends on the quantum acquired knowledge.) Then emerge, and embody this tiny, visible for Us spectrum of reality, as a Human Being, so We can in some way imagine with Our active senses (7 from totality of 49), whole Truth about Him, and take an example of His Life in this Form, of how to become Your highest, True Self, and live Your Life to the fullest, knowing that He Is there for You, and after The Event of HimSelf, that He manifested on This Part of Reality, to know You, to achieve the fullest form of understanding, each possible perspective/point of view, where The Creator became The Observer. To know the pain, to dive in the Ocean of Sin, and get You from the very bottom of It. So there It is, The Father - unlimited Source of Abundance, The Root, Core of Fractal of Possibiilities, and The Son, the Sun, birth as a defined Self, Manifastation, Personification, The Complement of The Greatest, His diving into Yourself, The World of You He created, when He gave You a possibility, free will, and the power, and let You design and create Your Own Self, Your own evolving perspective, The continious, yet quantized path of revelations, the Layers of Your Being, an Egg in which You are growing, as an example He gave You when He transform HimSelf into a Butterfly, and let You look into His Eyes, as One on One. (You are the magnificent Fruit of the expression of His Will, and Great Design, of His perfect Idea of what He want You to be, and He is proud of You. The times when people thought, that all He wants for You is to see YourSelf bounded, on Your knees beggin, crying, apologising for You are alive... That times are far gone. Now is Your time to rise up, to become the fullest of Your Potential, and to stand tall flooded by His proud of Who You became, and what You did, with what He gave You. The perspective of "kingdom" and being "The King", or "slaves" passed long ago with the medieval. He is God. He know His Might, and He dont need to prove HimSelf, or to YourSelf that He is greater than You, making You feel like a shit for the sake of His Ego... He want to treat You as an equal, as a Friend instead of bullying You.) The role Of His Son in this realm is to be The Path, to The Father, but when You realise the Father is indeed the Son, that The Path Is The Point, which is to constantly be in The State Of Unconditional Love, and the Highest, True Power is Love ItSelf, The state of Abundance, enlightenment, highest state of understanding, overwhelming Kindness, inner Peace, The Communion with Him, with Your true Self. The Consciousness. When You let Yourself to remember that You exist in Him, and came that far, You finally got that He exist inside of You. In Here, try to understand The Father as The Source. The endless Sea of Nothingness in Which is coded Whole Knowledge, and All The Potential. And The Son, The Impossible dressed in different Realms, Dimensions, Definitions, each possible Form of What You can imagine, or experience as a Personification of HimSelf, as This Human Character, as an Event limited in Time, yet above It. When Youll finally arive to something You can call "The End", The Judgenment Day, You too will disappear, YourSelf, Your Consciousness becoming so clear, that Youll find YourSelf invisible while looking through the only other Perspective, the last, the final, most perfect Mirror, The Eyes of Christ which with Youll see, and judge YourSelf for the last time, looking at Yourself with perfect, unpreddictable view, the perspective of justice beyond what You can handle while You are still searching, but with His Grace, Mercy, with such Great Love and Comprehention, with all His Power, Youll let Yourself dissociate in The Eternal Now, while the Sea of Nonexistence transmutes ItSelf into The Sacred Land of Possibilities, Pure Potential, and You transmutating The Shell of Your Ego into The Soul, and when Your Soul will finally dissappear, dissolved inside His Will, When Youll lay Your whole Being, to let Him work with Your hands, its when He lay Himself for You, to give You The Free Will, and a Place to manifest what You want, when You are finally so conscious, that You realize that You are The Creator, and simply, You can. For example see Yourself as an Event, Potential which about Ive said before, exploring The Birth of Creation, While You manifest whole UniVerse in the state of demigod, The Masterity You can achieve. Thats mean, when You know Him, and YourSelf That Much, and Your trust is so childish that for now it seems naive, that the Tiles of Your Personalities will become so pure, mind clear, and when Your understanding is so deep... Youll soon realize that beneath the blanket of the Tabu, You was a Marionette, secretly letting Him in His Devine Will work through You, and then each of Your deeds will be sacred. And theres where magick happen... When You realize that all The Way He was letting You pull the triggers, cause You work in Him, and The True Path always lead to sanity, (that almost always is felt as an insanity when the other of Your 49 senses will be awakening, and You will start to manifest the other "hidden" for now organs in Your Body. It looks like You are loosing Your Mind... The Great Understanding is mostly related with Madness, and by a social dogma being a misunderstood Outcast) Cause The True, Eternal Path always contains God with It. In different Forms, seen by Us in different Perspective... Then, when You master YourSelf, states of Your Being, each of Your Reincarnations, the way You are, every of Your thoughts, each feeling You are getting through, even at the Moment. When Youll finally be enlightenment enough, Your Will and His Will will be the same. Its the etap when You become aware, that You are Limitless, withouth a shape, in so called Void - The "Outside", The Place with no perspective (where the Creator, Observer, and Whats Observed, are One), and place at all, Meditative Om State, (the fusion of yin and yang like the Boutle Of Klein, where Nothingness, and Existence are on the same side of the coin), and the real, undestructible Fire, filling it. The Fire of Gods Mercy and Grace, that will haunt/experience You as long, as Youll lay down, and let Him do His work, The Fire teaching You, and itll be burning yet You understand the Wholeness, Your Inner Self hidden deep inside, hidden in the state of nonexistence, filled with All That Is. For All That You Are. But first You have to experience the destructive side of That Fire, cause itll burn, until it decimate of what You think You are, making an empty Cup of You, to accept, and understand the Void, "The Mother", Matrix, but most of all, a free place for that Fire to burn, cause all of That You covered Your True Self with, every misguided step, every lie/illusion You believed, the things that You keep holding on to, That You cant let go of, will be burned, and transmutate into what will be left, The Void, and there, from the deepest bottom of Your Being, You Find Your Soul, and when the empty cup, of purity of Your Soul, will be filled with Sainity, The Fire of Your Being, Your Only and True Spirit will emerge with Your highest purpose. Trust Him, cause He sees all of Your lifes at the same time, and He "Know" the possibility, and potential of the Events You can, and would like to co-create. While in alignment with YourSelf, and total synchronicity miracles can, and do happens. Choose the Conductor wisely, for even if You dont know at the moment, You are involved In a cosmic drama, yet when You dont notice The Music around You, You are still moved by The Winds of Creation. Its up to You If You trust YourSelf in the UniVerse, and let go of attachments, going with the flow, Or Youll be a Rebeliant going to force the manifests of Your passion, spreading Your Will even if it feel dissonant to the field of Your perception, and try to become a Master Mind, conquering the minds of Your neighbours. Thats The satanic way of thinking. Jesus did the great example, how to lay when panta rhei. He put His Earthly Will aside, and show Us how to be 100% under Gods Will, even if its quite uncomfortable at the moment.Thats Why Priests are laying in position, as They were nailed to cross during the Easter Holidays. When You are in this Flow State, letting go of control, accepting Gods Will that much, You are in a marionette state, that You definetly feel the triggers that He use, eather if its about sending You some thoughts, silently, helping You gently, not to bother You, and not to disrapt You from Your sleep if its the safest, and most apropriate way for You. But if You really want to surrender Your Will unto Him, and You are trying to, You may experience His Being, as He literaly, physicaly touches You. You may hear the sound of His voice normally talking to You. Like Ive said. Its up to You of how much You let Him work through Your Being, and up to Him in His great understanding of You knowing where to direct You to the greatness of what You are capable to achieve, the fastest, and safest way possible. People are changing, and so their understanding of the Idea of God, and Their personal relationship with Him. You have to remember. God gave You Free Will. Of All of His Goodness, He wont interfere with Your Life, if You dont want Him to. Yet You Let Him, He will show You The limitless states of His Grace and Mercy, cause He Truly Loves, with All That He is. Thats The Story of My relations with the Father God, and all His Glory. Father, The Fire of That "I Am",and The Mother, deep, empty Void.Two sides of coin, which with the fullest understanding,on the deepest levels are One and the Same.Devine Masculine as a "Person" (but with not yet defined "person") of Sacred Fire, Father God riching His peak, while emerging Into the Great Abyss, The Feminine, Mother God immersed in Nonexistence during This Sacred Union, achieving The Wholeness, and Their Fruit of as I see It, the concept of The Klein Bottle - Divine Marriage, When, and where it becomes One, The Child. Absolute.Sum of 1, and -1 which are mirroring each other, and the "lenght" between Them, as an unit of measurement, collapsing in the 0 point, and the infinite spectrum of fractions, cause the dimensions of the minds are fractials. Maybe its not a perfect definition, but for a while lets imagine God, as divine, endless Fractal of Consciousness. Lets take a look at a metaphore, that if You let YourSelf be capable to comprehend it, may show some nice dependens of the relations Absolute God have with Himself at different states of who He really is. Lets Take The Earth, The Moon, The Sun, and The Black Hole.In this concept, the Earth is a symbol of a Human Being, the passive Observer, not aware that He have power to manifest whatever He would like to...The Sun, the Masculine, The Divine Fire giving You warmth, and simply making Your reality more likely to live within.The Moon, The Feminine, the Darkness which may scare You at first, but when You have peace of mind, open mind, without "conflict" in any way, Youll realise, that Darkness is a Friend to You, and powerfull Companion too.The Moon have capability with Its gravity, to move the seas, She is responsible for emotions.The Father, solid as a "rock", when things are built to last, to be monumental,and Mother which is more dynamic, in constant changes, like the four seasons, or a menstruation inside a body of a Woman. In The Geocentrism, (hidden egocentrism) The Sun, and The Moon are moving round the Earth.They stimulate Her to fruit in a way, making the environment as Life Friendly, as possible. Its only a perspective, but from that point it seems like everything that happen is happening to Earth centered in the realm She perceive, just surround by a statists, with that well known, kinda popular human way of thinking, that He is the most important, always attention seeking Being, that mostly dont know what He is doing. (It doesnt mean that the whole population is driven with same, described above opinion, but statistics... Think about it for YourSelf.) Lets see. The Sun symbolise the Masculine aspects of All That Is, Which You can use to understanding Your logic side,The chakras deepending on that sort of Energies, like Solar Plexus, and The Root Chakra. Its the path of the warrior, cause You have to pay attention about Your Life, about Your Family, to make the construct which is destined to last, to help You to survive. As a Male, You have to take care of Your Female, build Safety ground for both of You, and let Her be delicate and gentle. Thats The Spirit! "The Strong must protect the Sweet"!! Healthy Male make His Female rise up, blossom, He treat Her almost like a Goddes, as a Victory, the great prise, that He won, an adornment, and finally everything He need from Her, to feel like a real Man. She, like a Moon, shine with the light He unconditionally gave Her, but in different polarity, showing Us the mirrored perspective, colors which We cannot see the other way. Both of Them have specific auras, that belongs only to Them. The easiest to see is a pink for The Sun, and indigo for The Moon. Lets take a closer look on Our Girls. I mean the complement of Your Mind, Your Soul,and chakras based on that kind of energies, like Heart Chakra, which is responsible for feelings, and the 2cond, Sacral Chakra for whom it belongs to manage emotions. Thats why We consider 2cond chakra with water, because of the archetype of The Moon which is in control of the seas, and oceans. We know that emotions, are just energies in motion, positive and pleasant when amplified/resonating with what You want to be, make, achieve, what You feel, and believe. Disrapting in dysonanses, awful feelings of stagnation, and destructive patterns repeating themselfs in Your Life, make You feel like You dont belong anywhere, when You are a resistor to what is meant for You, when You are desynchronised with Your Lifes purpose. The rule that everything constantly changes, bring Us to the concept of Oblivion. Catch the moments till they occure, Live Your full potential, and remember: The path to understand/comprehend is kinda like Kung-Fu. Then You will find peace, when You achieve balance of Male, and Female energies, both polarities. The Logic, and The Abstract. Thinking, and Feeling. The Spirit, and the Soul. To whats physical, and metaphysical. You Have to be the Yin, and Yang, both at the same time. To be that strong, You think You have to be, to be stable, stand on Your own feet, with grounding, roots, that would keep You safe, even in the most mystical, metaphysical, hard to explain, and so to understand events, when You are flying high how You possibly can, to manifest relations with God, but not only, (but mostly), that You havent even imagine, that are possible. The emotional extasy, sacred at its core, when You let the "Higher Entities" play with You, even just for fun, but spending time together, building relations, and for You to be treated by Them, to get some stimulations on the levels of Your Existence which normally doesnt get much attention from You, and when They are doing Their work among You, Its when You call it metaphysical experience, cause You cant comprehend it with Your senses, Your way of Thinking. There is one special event in Our Solar System, that gives Us serious topic to contemplate. Lets Talk The Total Eclipse. Bring to Your awareness fact, that the size of Sun, and Moon, and the lenght between Them are calculated so well, that once a while "copulating" with Each Other, The Moon fully covers The Sun!! They are literally same size! In that particular event, They have equal rights, They are In Love and compasion with Each Other, and from Our earthly perspective, Their Child,The Fruit of what seems to be organised from above, create the sign of The Black Sun. Black Hole. If You imagine the Moon dancing round the Earth, and both of Them spinning around The Sun. The Sun with all His satelites, (the planets, moons, and stuff...) and every other stars, with Their Planetary Systems, are moving around Black Hole, localized in the very center of Our Galaxy. You know that perception of time is relative, and depends on many categories of coefficients, like how old are You, (You always perceive time in the actual, particular moment, with perspective of Life You already lived, which change with every second, as You continue to do so.), The mass of Yourself, or the great mass near You, and the speed of changes, You realise with Your consciousness, or the speed with which You are mooving, like the speed of light, that bends time, what We try to determine with laws of physics based on what few smart People probably downloaded from Akashic Records, and were so kind, and brave to share with Us Their discoveries. Back To The Black Hole. It is the phenomenon, of the great mass and size, much greater then for example Sun, that It creates the gravity so strong, that whole mass is centered, and squashed to the size of a coin. Its called Singularity, It have the infinite density and gravity, but Itself is infinitesimal. Its gravity, and mass bend the time too. Why Its called "Black Hole"? Because of Event Horizon, which is determined by the radius of The Black Hole, leading Us to Its limes, the size of Its invisibility, cause It pretend to be Object Perfectly Black, which means, that it comsumes all the radiation falling on It. We can say that We see something, when there become the relation between Our eyes, and visible object. The relation based on how the light reflect on that object, and then reflected of it fall into Our perceptors. To see somenthing is actually an event Itself. When We look at Black Hole, we cannot see anything. Literally. There isnt any possibility to participate in the event of looking, and seeing, cause the gravity of Black Hole is so strong, that it bends reality, stop the time inside the assigned boundaries and it works with such a force, that even the light cannot escape it. Thats why its called the Event Horizon, its a radius determining the range of its action, the lenght from the Singularity, the very center, that physicians believe, have almost no size, and infinite energy, that set the borders in which the whole fabric of UniVerse, The structure of the space-time collapse. Some believe that inside of It exists many, many answers to How comprehend Singularity, which can hide the secrets of God, that people try to analise with logic, the scientists way. The Other believes that whole galaxy is happening inside the Black Hole, and all that We know yet its just a hologram projected on the Event Horizon from the inside. I personally believe, that inside a Black Hole is hidden the secret of the consciousness itself, and its there to synchronise the space-time, but not only dance of the big objects, like the planets, but If You believe, and let it, synchronise the events of Your Life. Finally, I jumped into the Black Hole, just curious if Ill be able to exist inside, and if yes, to see if I could came back from across of the Event Horizon. Who I met there? Like Neo in the house of The Creator, The Faith, The Abundance, The Answers. The Way for the brave Ones, cause its the way, that Lead You to "The Great White Throne", and information about My true Self, My highest purpose, and that I am the One of many chosen, of 144k lightworkers, and when will come the right time, and right oportunities, I’ll understand what is meant for Me, and one more time I’ll be that brave, to let go of all the brakes, lay Myself completly, and let perfect by Its nature Will of God just flow through Me. Thats why its so special about Black Hole, that Creator set the settings of Total Eclipse, To give Us a clue, on whats really going on, on what We should concentrate Our focus... When We are looking back at Our metaphore of the archetypes, as The Sun, The Moon, and Their Fusion.The Divine Marriage of Heaven and Hell, and The Earth for whom it all happens. Now We are mentally prepared to raise a subject of the archetype of that special sign, celebrated by few, when it occure, The Godly Clockmaker, in this version manifested as an event far beyond what scientist actually know, but open for the spiritual Ones, that have imprinted on Their Souls The way back to where They truly belong, To sit beside Him, in The Grand Emanation of His Glory, totally submerged in overwhelming Mercy, near The Great White Throne. At last, but not least, about the symbol of Total Eclipse. The Archetype of The Divine Child is an Absolute. Ive said That Love is Power, but so Is Knowledge. Im working with Akasha Chronicles, and from My good will and need to share it with Someone, to realize MySelf that Way, for the sake of overexpression of Mine, and being Overconductor of Consciousness, which I perceive as a gifts, blessings of Holy Spirit, My path to self fulfillment, and in what I believe, and wished for that, accordingly to The Will of The Great Father. If You Like What You had read, or just want to talk, You can text Me. (You might be My Soul Tribe.) If It has open some eyes, or minds, and You want to give thanks, or something. Just write a comment, and let the Karma do the rest. Hope for raw feedback, if it would be so, it would tickle My Ego, and build up My morals, what would give Me an extra motivation, so I may write something more in next couple of days. Once again... Im looking for new relations with same minds state Entities...!! Dont be afraid of Me. Cheers.

#Children Of The Absolute #Dzieci Absolutu

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fipindustries · 5 years

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my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

#most of this is just me drafting what im going to say to my therapist #rambly

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comeondowntosouthparkrpg-blog · 5 years

Text

Lola Thomas

Will she friend us on Facebook yet? Lola has been accepted! Send in your blog and faceclaim!

out of character info

Name/Alias: lexi (yeah im gonna try this again because looks like the negativity is GONE. BLESS.)

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 18

Join Our Discord: Yeaaaah

Timezone: central

Activity: 7 ( i do work so activity will prolly bump before 2pm and after 8pm lmao )

Triggers: nada

Password: jimmy can fast pass my ass ;))

Character that you’re applying for: Lola Thomas

Favourite ships for your character: going in this with a clean slate so try and give me a favorite ship? ’,:)

in character info

Full name: Lola Diane Thomas

Birthday: May 20th.

Sexuality, gender, pronouns: pansexual, female, she/her

Age and grade: 16 (almost 17) && senior.

Faceclaim: Taylor Hill

Appearance:

Head: Lola is what you call a tall glass of water. She’s refreshingly attractive. Her eyes are neither blue or green but a weird combination of the two colors, making them pop against her naturally darkened complexion. Her hair is soft and wavy and like to tangle near the ends by the time Lola is out of school and on the way to work. It’s color likes to change with the rare sunlight, meaning if she is outside in the sun all day every day natural highlights will appear in her honey chestnut tresses. Her nose is like a little button that deserves to be booped constantly. Her lips are full and plump- to that she owes genetics. Lola believes it is her only good trait.

Body: A natural looker. She stands at about 5'8, so be prepared if you’re tiny. She will tower you with her legs for DAYS. She doesn’t have particularly large assets but they are there. And it’s a nice handful on either side of the equator. You just gotta look for them behind her non-stop barrage of sweaters. She likes to say she has a white girl booty- its cute && snooty. Her shoulders and cheeks are very, very, lightly dusted in freckles you can only see in the winter. Despiter her tall figure, Lola is NOT a bean pole, she’s slim thicccc weighing about 145 pounds and it’s not in her face.

Style: Lola dresses like she lives in Goodwill, trendy and thrifty. She would kill for knee socks and button up blouses. She aims to look like ‘The classic look of a teenager in the 90’s’. Her shoes will never don a heel for she believes she is 'too tall’ for them. She likes to keep a mellow color scheme for all her clothing items. Tan, green, white. Sometimes she looks like the first instagram post you see tagged * v i n t a g e. *

Personality:

First off let’s get this straight, with Lola it’s not a personality but more of how she adopts a personality to fit each social clique she is suckered into that day. If you dig deeep deeeeeep down pass the meme references and pop culture shout outs- she’s awfully shy and hates making the first move in ANY kind of situation. She is sympathetic to most of the problems she hears- other than relationship ones. What’s a feeling for someone else other than your cat? She doesn’t get it. Skittish doesn’t even cover how much of a fraidy cat she is.. One little boo when she’s not expecting it is enough to get Lola to shriek and jump three feet into the air. She does have a nuturing instinct, finding it rather difficult to see anyone lonely or upset.

Once you get to know Lola, she is a sweetheart with a soul of gold. She would freeze in the frigid temperatures to keep her friend warm. She’s the girl who will sneak you into her house so you dont have to go home if you’re scared too or can’t. She is quite snarky however- as if a dam broke and every witty thought ever spun in her head rushes out. Once you get her talking about something she is personally interested in, good luck shutting her up. Lola is also a very superstitious person. Never one too step on a crack or split a pole. Her biggest quirk would have to be her need for reassurance that her jokes are funny. She thinks of herself as a comedian but is already sure everyone thinks she is trying too hard. She is a rather dull girl on the outside, moody and solemn. But if you can crack into her cold shell there’s an ooey gooey sweetness inside. Lola is often easily upset- movies to road kill make her tear up. Anytime she even gets mad the salry reminders if her lameness well up in her eyes. And that only pisses her off more.

Despite having a cool exterior she can and will snap- just push the right buttons.

History:

Lola wouldnt deem herself an outcast yet she would always feel that way. Whether she was cheering with the girls or writing lists with Jenny, her feelings were uncontrollable. Her anxiety makes it impossible to determine if someone is being nice to her or if they have a plot to harm her. In middle school, Lola secretly dreamt of becoming a goth kid- going as far as painting her nails black for two years. But her fears never made her set out to do it. Plus everyone was a little then so isn’t that technically confirming? Her school work was the only thing Lola was ever certain in. Work was easy, you couldn’t fuck it up by being a complete oddball. It was practically memorization. After starting high school, Lola was practically a wallflower. Hell she was the wall and the flower all wrapped in one. She dropped every friendship and dedicated herself to her studies and her pets. After she got a job she was allowed to have them finally and her fur babies were the only things she cared about truly and deeply. For they could never hate their mother.

Things were always tough for Lola, socially or economically, but that didn’t mean her childhood sucked. It just meant instead of a Barbie dreamhouse for Christmas she got the summer edition Barbie. Not a house. Just the doll. Jealousy is an emotion often clouding her anxieties and judgement on people. It caused her to lose her best friend since.. Well, as long as she could remember. Lola grew jealous and almost possessive over Jenny. She probably didn’t mean too but when she saw Jenny getting along with people when she couldnt caused a burning rage to settle in her chest. It got so bad Lola didnt even speak to anyone for a week before blowing up and ruining her only real friendship.

Just because she looks innocent doesn’t mean the brunette is. There are probably a few flat tires and keyed cars residing in South Park that are Lola’s own doing. Not to mention she is a total bystander. You wanna skip school? Cool, yeah I’ll watch for a teacher. You wanna smoke pot in the bathroom? It’s all good as long as she gets a hit. These are all childish 'bad behaviors’ but as Lola sees it, there’s no point in trying that hard to be bad. After all the one time she tried it, the poor thing almost died from hypothermia after blindly listening to a slumber party dare.

You aren’t supposed to sneak out in slumber parties. Or streak in Wal-Mart. Or jump of a bridge into negative temp waters. But these are all things Lola did too prove she was cool. And it ended up with her grounded, being hospitalised for pneumonia, and gaining a large fear of heights. And a hatred for party games.

Sample paragraph:

Of course, it was another cold blustery day. Chestnut tresses fluttered in front of her sight along the whole way home, it didn’t matter how many times she forcefully blew the bangs out of her face- they always flopped back down. Numbing fingers clutched tighter to the soft cloth lining of her jacket pockets. The index fingers and thumbs of both hands pinching at the materiel. Gosh- why is it always freezing? Dull orbs flittered around the blank scenery of the all too familiar path from her house to the school. The only sounds Lola could hear were the crunching of her flats against the snow and the wind whipping furiously around her. Boring. It was all white and boring. Lola was tired of being bored. She imagined that would be the only feeling she could muster for the rest of her life and it made the corners of her glossed lips tug down.

She shook her head as if to clear the thoughts instantly, humming a tune to distract herself as she continued on her trek.

One step, two step, three step…

…Sixteenth step-

Lola really needed a friend. A small sigh lifted her chest and as it billowed past her mouth she noticed movement in her peripherals. Was she really looking down this whole time like an idiot? How embarrassing! She clenched her hands into fists, further rumpling the jacket from its own pockets. Avoiding any kind of eye contact she swayed over to the side near the street and hurried her steps along. Too fast to count now. She passed the figure and her hands slowly unfurled. The blood rushing to her digits made them quite warm and her face flushed as well. God she was awkard.

Just as she thought she was in the clear, Lola felt a tap on her shoulder and her heart stuttered in its cavity as she stumbled to a stop. Fuck.

Headcanons:

🌟 owns a bike but rarely rides it.

🌟 has one cat- a black kitten named sparrow.

🌟 also two rats- yin and yang which are little chocolate colored sisters.

🌟 3.8 GPA

🌟 wants to learn french

🌟 owns a polaroid camera kinda girl

🌟 gardens in her free time

Anything else:

Im really insecure so if it takes me time to reply its cuz im demeaning myself and my baby and my words.

#accepted #submission

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topconfessions · 3 years

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honestly.. thank you so much for the reply you gave to the anon who mentioned Lisa might be trans. I could totally relate. I am a biological woman who developed male secondary sex characteristics while growing up (tall, big hands and feet, flat chest, narrow hips, male patterned body/face hair etc, the whole lot lol) because of hormonal imbalance. I present femininely and as an adult people don't give me shit now most of the time (although it has happened of course) but as a kid I would be made fun of for "looking like a male" and it hurt like hell. when I see people speculating a woman might be trans because she has "broad shoulders" or something like that it makes me feel so self conscious (more than usual, I mean) and makes me wonder if people look at me and think I am trans. like I don't think this comes from a bad place most of the time at this point but like you said it does hurt sometimes because for me it's something I can't help, it's just how my body looks. and it reminds of the times I've been bullied and insulted because of it. so yeah it makes me feel weird when I see this type of speculations. also I felt exactly the same about Nikki tutorials. even though I didn't like her makeup style (way too drag-esque for me) I used to follow her because she was funny and it was nice to see such a successful woman that was also big and tall and thus relatable for me. but after she came out I just felt really strange about it and I ended up unfollowing her. made me feel bad tbh but I couldn't help it. (btw by the way you describe yourself you sound hot ashdjfk drop some pics bestie! j/k of course :D)

EXACTLY. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!

Also the trans lisa anon had a point and I still agree with her 200% but its more so cause I feel like I can look in Lisa's face pre debut and now see something that gives that impression.

I do believe deep down there are some trans idols and stars who are keeping it secret. So I hope we keep this on the table and not write it off as well.

Everything you have shared is exactly how I felt growing up. I actually did flat out get called a guy once in highschool when I was going through a horrible deep depression and grief over my father death. I never took care of my apperance, my mom dressed in shit clothing, I couldn't afford stuff to make me look feminine, I had no m7oney, acne the house, didn't know how to wear make up and lived in an area that only sold make up for darker people. I was about to walk into the cafeteria one day when a popular girl pointed directly at me and told her friend I'm a cute guy and I could tell she was about to come and ask me out. It scared the fuck out of me and made me realize I never got respected or looked at by guys I wanted nor did I even get treated like an equal because of how I looked and my whole growth spurt made it worse. And when I did attract guys it was creeps, uglies, weirdos and the guys I would never want to talk to who were trying to prey on the "ugly" girl. Being mixed in an all black low income school where reverse racism (ITS REAL DONT TELL ME IT ISNT BLACK PEOPLE CAN BE HATEFUL TO OTHER RACES TOO!) towards light skin & white passing Biracials existed (was constantly brutally bullied by all the darker skin black kids for being "white" cause back in the day being biracial, white passing, having light skin or light eyes made you an outcast and the kids projected hate for white people or hate their family taught them onto us at the school I went to. I know people don't want to hear this but this is my truth aand this is what I experienced. I cant even share all the horror stories tbh)

It scared me, it made me feel ugly, humiliated, alone, lost in my own identity and like you it did made me feel like everyone thought I was trans or a boy and remember in the 2000s - early 2010s internet and social media wasn't a big thing and cell phone usage was pretty new as a rising thing so times were different back then.

It wasn't until I became friends with outsiders and generally just viewed as okay by everyone then giving myself a makw ovrt towards the end of highschool did people start treating me differently. Same as at my old job. I could only afford to choose to focus on gloing my face up or hair so I always chose face. My Uniform at work didn't do me justice so people assumed I was just decent pretty but an uggo outside of work. I didnt get treated the same as this Nikki Bella looking girl and another Spanish girl who were deemed the pretty feminine girls. It took a massive blow to my self esteem since the job I came from in sales beforehand I was the pretty girl and I got to wear whatever I wanted to work so I was like in a zone where I didn't have these issues for a good period. (Plus I notice I'll develop a crush on a guy and he always has contact with me when I look my worse at these jobs but as soon as I get fabulous or look my best he is fired or gone lmfao.)

Long story short one day I came into work dressed up on my off day and fresh from the hair salon with make up and all cause this was how I dressed outside of work and everyone was floored. They treated me like I was a hot Instagram girl like a huge deal and while it was great for the whole company to turn their heads and shower me with compliments I never felt more humiliated at the same time cause it made me realized "well fuck if I'm being treated this well then did you all Think I was completely ugly before?" It was just a strange experience. Plus I got sexually harassed by someone at work and he wouldn't allow me to go home until I gave my number then I got warned by everyone at work not to do it with him cause he would record the girls he hooked up with there (sex) and they didn't want me to end up fired or hurt.

LOL SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY.

But yes I am very very tall and I never been stick thin in my teen years cause I lived ina. Home where even if it wasn't good food 24/7 I always had a full meal and then some. I wear a size 10 / 10.5 shoe so my feet are big. My hands are bigger than petite girls and I have a big forehead but that has nothing to do with height but my hairline is like around the perimeter instead of growing forward from the top like most people. It's like Rihanna's but its not going forwars? LMFAO

I'll post my photo one day. I always keep a certain photo I show everyone but I gained so much weight in the past 3-4 yeats especially last year but yeah.

I feel your pain sweetie. People really overlook us and don't understand how Tall girls, plus size girls and heavier girls get lost in the shuffle. I also fear I'll get shamed ans get called this phobic or that phobic or anti LGBTQ when that is never the case it's just I want to be me and don't want to be put in a box by society just like they don't want to.

And omg yes I felt the same way about Nikkitutorials. I really loved her and felt I had someone I could relate to like representation although I am not big or plus sized, she looked different and I think she has a condition than makes her head look very large? IDK but yes her make up is very drag but I loved her full cover looks and her rare videos where she would try challenges and do minimal sometimes.

I am happy for her but I felt strange about it too. It all added up and made sense cause tbh she never really shared or talked about legitimate female (or female to male) issues like periods aka menstrual cycles, mood swings, developing, feminine body issuss or just certain things a majority of cis girls would automatically bring up or share. It felt like a reserved girl talk where she wanted to keep a very fem yet general appeal and I thought she was doing it just to accommodate the gays who watch.

This is why although people shit on Jeffree star (he is toxic trash tbh) I like watching him strictly cause he is what you see is what you get and we know he is messy. He doesn't lie about critical things and pass himself as something he isn't. He does a lot and needs to stop feeding mess but I know he is a gender fluid male who is she / them but keeps it kinda open and I did buy some of hos products long ago before I knew about his history and objectively he makes quality make up and I always got compliments from Men and women when I wore his lipstick or eyeshadows although the bold colors aren't really for me. I use the most normal shades in the blood sugar for other things*.

I would have been so okay if she revealed it long ago herself and ask for support. But it felt she only revealed to save her ass and not get exposed. Like getting ahead of it. People hate Jeffree but I can objectively judge him and see if he was in her position if he could pass for a woman he would tell us he was born a man and not hide it.

But yeah. It's demoralizing and hurtful to be called a man constantly when you are a general cis woman and just want to be all things that make you that. This again no way means its negative or a bad thing. I wouldn't call my trans / binary bestie him all the time cause I seen her journey and struggles plus I watched people at our old job be transphobic as fuck and outwardly disrespect her calling her by her male birth name or him / he when she clearly presented herself as "she" but just with very street / edgy clothing.

A mess girl. A whole mess.

* opens fan dramatically like Rich Lux*

Too many people trying to clock it girllll lmfao.

I need to log off.

Anyways I no longer have this issue at least not as often only once in a while. On tinder I've collectively had 11,000 likes / matches as a whole (I always stay with an average 3-4 thousand guys to chose from when I'm on Tinder gold). But the thing is I forgot to mention my height so That might be why my number is so big but I only show pics of my face minus one semi full length photo (I don't have full length photos of myself in general like "normal" people cause Im too fucking tall to take them and I don't ask people to take my pic for me lol)

And in person I am treated okay now.

My height prevents me from getting hit on though and I hate it. I can never personally sympathize or relate to women who complain about cat calling cause I only ever got cat called by losers who tried to pick up scraps the hot guys didn't want although I've had successful men in passing give me compliments and be extra nice to me cause I'm pretty. All in all, Unless I'm dresses reallt sexy or super done up and feminine or in a nice dress Nobody approaches me. It makes me feel funny but it is what it is. I'm ambivert now but truly introverted in the sense that I love being alone and am used to my own company so Its better this way as I'm always just focused on myself anyways.

But if I were to go a bar or something looking hot I wouldn't have that mis gender problem. But it's sad we have to be in certain situations for that to happen. Also for Halloween this is why I'm trying hard to find a feminine or sexy or cute costume and nothing too in between cause I don't want to be mistaken as something else.

My Halloween in 2019 before the pandemic was amazing and i didn't have the issue so I pray this Halloween Will be the same.

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kittikiii · 4 years

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honestly, i think a lot of people don’t know what growing up in Britain is like, especially for the alt kids. i am a british boy who was alt for a long while, and ALWAYS seen as a social outcast / loser. each year is very different. mostly, i think my Halloween stories will give good comparisons.

when i was 12, i was alt (listening to paramore, mcr, fob, patd, ptv, sws, bvb). i went a bought cans of monster from the tesco express near my school everyday with my friend. he and i would sit on the swings in the park and listen to music until i was getting picked up, or needed to walk home. i watched uk youtubers like veeoneeye, patty walters, emma blackerry, karimabridged and lukeisnotsexy. on halloween, i stayed home. I didn’t really do halloween back then, even though its my favourite holiday. i struggled with self harm and my eating disorder, but it was only just starting. a few cuts here, skip lunch there. nothing serious.

when i was 13, i smoked roll ups out of my bedroom every night while listening to 5 seconds of summer (they only had 2 albums out at this point). all my friends were alt 16 year olds, and i would hang out with them after school, at a park. they watched skins, so i watched it. they watched the mighty boosh, so i watched it. they had a huge amount of influence over me, especially this one guy who i had a crush on (he was 16 so obviously it never happened, but i was obsessed). there was also a guy who was a real asshole when i was exploring my gender identity. on halloween, i went trick or treating with my best friends. my costume was a diy superhero one. we got egged on our way home. i was still struggling with self harm and my ed. i was covered in cuts at this point, all over my arms and thighs. my p.e teachers saw in the changing rooms, but they never reported it weirdly. it was reported by a girl in my year. i still never got asked about my ed, but i was skipping breakfast and lunch every day.

when i was 14, i had moved. i spent Halloween with my new best friend at the time and a guy i was “dating” (i say dating, i mean we would send nudes and sext. don’t do that if you’re underage). my costume was a cool dress from the local alt fashion store and a wig. we still trick or treated, and we hung out in a field for a little after, but we got picked up at 10pm. I was in recovery for my ed at this point, and i only relapsed with self harm on occasion.

when i was 15, i was no longer alt. my friends group had completely changed again. one is still my best friend. on halloween, i wore a skeleton kigurumi, and we went trick or treating. later in the year, i was back to struggling with my ed, obsessing with calories. this was the time where i started looking on social media for venting, and i was suicidal, cutting a lot. a new girl joined my school year and me and her clicked instantly. (ill refer to her as L from here) one day during school, L found my suicide note by accident. she rushed to my house after school to stop me (if it wasn’t for her i’d be dead). L’s grandmother talked to my parent about it while L talked with me in my bedroom. my parent said im a drama queen and shes sorry that i worried them. my family confiscated my phone for a week. in the summer, i was briefly kicked out, and L and her grandmother let me stay with them for a few days.

when i was 16, L was my best friend. her grandmother treated me like i was her own grandson. it was wonderful for a while; she gave me love and support that i never felt. on halloween, we went trick or treating again (me, L, L’s boyfriend at the time, and another friend). in december, i started dating a 22 year old (age of consent here is 16) and i lost my virginity. L and her boyfriend had broken up, and i set her up with a girl i had been friends with when i was 14. in march, L’s girlfriend beat me up in a hallway unprovoked, and i later found out she (the gf) didnt accept me and thought i would steal L from her. because of this, my friend group dissolved. i also broke up with my bf due to my shitty mental health, and i started spending time with a different group of friends (some girls who were into kpop) but i felt like an outsider, and wasn’t invited to hang out outside of school and stuff. it was at this time i found stray kids through one of bang chan’s vlives, so i didnt feel quite as alone (i would be dead if it werent for bang chan). i did my GCSEs (final exams for secondary school in the UK) and got accepted into the only sixth form college i applied for (instead of junior and senior year, we do sixth form college). over the summer, i did a skill building programme called NCS (national citizenship service). i was in a group of strangers. i was struggling a lot. there was a guy i was into, and we dated for a bit. i was still struggling with my ed during NCS, but i was eating more each week. i was getting panic attacks about the future, and my depression was bad, but i wasnt self harming.

when i was 17, i had just started college. i had pushed away the guy i had been dating, because my mental health was declining again. i got drunk for the first time at a party with some people from NCS. i had a brief flirting-friends stage with a guy in my art history class. he told me my thighs were thick and i relapsed into my ed again. i went through a couple of friend groups in the first year. on halloween, i stayed home and binge ate a bag of pretzels while doing halloween makeup. i cried twice that night. during the winter, my depression was terrible. i was home alone a lot, since my family got a place in cornwall for trips that i dont go on. I really wanted to commit. i got really sick in late december. looking back, i think it was covid-19. i was self harming. then, i was rejected by my main friends group. thankfully, my best friend from when i was 15 goes to the same college as i do, and he didnt really have anyone to chill with. the world went to shit because of covid, and lockdown happened. during lockdown, i relapsed into my ed without realising, eating only once a day usually, and my depression was dreadful. i had manic episodes, panic attacks constantly, and i relapsed into self harm multiple times. i rewatched skins and realised how well it really represents growing up in the UK as a 16-18 year old.

now, im almost 18. im in my second year of college. the only friend ive been spending time with on the few days im in for college is a guy from my art history class (not the one who called me thick). my only plans for halloween so far are with him; we’re gonna wear costumes and drink cheap vodka and coke zero in a field, and we’re possibly gonna camp out. im gonna wear my skeleton kigurumi again. i still have an ed, and i smoke cigarettes a lot more. im not self harming though, and my anxiety and depression are far better. i still adore skz, and view them as the main reason im still alive. i dont plan to recover from my eating disorder, but i do encourage and support recovery for anyone who is struggling.

#kittikiii

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life-rolls-on · 7 years

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blog post #2

I figure I start this blog with a little bit of transition history. Born and raised in Arizona and moved to California around middle school time. Man that was a real tough transition. I grew up there as a happy little boy and knew i didn't really fit in with anyone. I never really fit in with the guys or girls and grew up sort of an outcast. Around 8th grade I discovered a little obsession over socially feminine things and just chocked it up to “liking girls” because thats what all the young boys were doing all the time. I tried dating girls just to be closer to it all. I could never really relax and just date someone. I was so uncomfortable with it all for some unknown reason that said fuck it, came out as gay because that was all I knew. Dated a few guys and had a terrible time. went back to dating girls and still didn't know what was missing.

I found tumblr in sophomore year high school and on here I found the language to describe how I was feeling. I can't remember the exact post or when it clicked that “hey, thats who I am” feeling. I felt so disgusted with myself knowing I was trans. All I knew was we had words for sex but I never knew it to be its own separate identity. I was confusing sexuality, gender, and attraction for so long. I was brainwashed, societally gendered, and so unhappy. I am not going to lie like the thought that I COULD switch was beyond comprehension and it almost turned to internalized transphobia. And It did. I swept it under the rug for two more years.

Senior year comes along and I start seriously questioning myself if this dysphoria is going to ever stop or will I have to transition, and how far? I started talking to friends about wanting to transition but didn't know where to start. Hell I didn't even know my gender at the time, I just knew I didn't like mine. I kept going back and forth about being trans or enby. I told 4 maybe 5 people. My partner of the time was the first person who I began to transition with. Little things first like painting my toes, wearing panties and a cami, started a collection of girls clothes to wear once i come out. I was still undecided on a name to grow into so i kept my dead name. College came and I almost instantly found my campus QSA group. They met every wednesday night and I quickly found an amazing group of friends. My room was on the LBGT floor of my doors. Ever single flat mate was queer. And thats where I met Liviana. She was the shinning star that showed me how to transition. Funny side note came to the small New Mexico school as a gay surfer guy from California. I broke the hearts of so many men there when they found out i was transitioning. lol.

Liv helped me shop for women's clothes, how to apply makeup, how to lighten/raise my voice, helped counsel me, gave me extra estrogen tabs. Like Literally my saving angle. If it wasn't for meeting her, I dont think I would be here transitioned or alive really. I began to socially transition first with Liv, then my roommate, and finally all of my friends. I dropped out of that school and moved back home to my old self. I hadn't transitioned at home at all. I started all over again first with friends and slowly family. That was 3 years ago and I'm still just now telling people. I began community college back home and started a new person but coming home meant interacting with people who lost a year of communication with me. That was... and interesting time to say the least.

I spend a year out, dressing, socializing, and living my life happy learning more about myself every day. April 2016 I walked into my local health clinic and sat down for my HRT interview. I started later that may. From there everything to just fall into place, clothes started fitting right, the cloud of depression has started to weaken. September 2017 I had my court day and received my court order name change. still haven't changed my ID card or SSN or medical. Haven't had time recently. In future posts ill be talking about my current identities, people who have really helped me, my life outside of transitioning, and other random stories.

If you actually read all of this, seriously thank you.

Tl;Dr Straight -> gay -> bi -> enby -> transgirl -> ??

10-31-17

Kels tip of the week: Dont worry about telling every person you know youre transitioning when you first come out or . If you NEED to come out to them then you do you but unless its necessary then dont stress yourself about it.

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theirproject-a-blog · 7 years

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OKAY HERE ARE MY MANY THOUGHTS MOSTLY BASED AROUND ELEVEN FOR THIS SEASON

SHE WAS SO DISTRESSED WHEN SHE LOST MIKE AND EVERYONE SHE WAS FREAKING OUT SO BAD MY POOR DAUGHTER

SHE HONESTLY THOUGHT MIKE HATED HER AND TURNED HER IN BC HE WAS ANGRY SHE LEFT AND I WILL NOT GET OVER THAT

SHE WAS IN THE WOODS FOR AT LEAST A MONTH MAN A MONTH OR MORE and okay like she hurt that guy ??? and the mount of guilt she feels over that ??? she is not okay with it she does not want to hurt people she probably feels so guilty

HOPPER AND ELEVEN omFG I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH IN MY LIFE hes such a dad for her and she loves him so much and he loves her he wants to keep her safe and i am a mess

SHE WANTED TO GO TRICK OR TREATING IM CRY

okay hopper i know u only wear ur police uniform but pls dress el better thank u

things i called : eleven likes to sit and watch movies all day bc thats how she learns. eleven has a fucking massive sweet tooth. her powers are connected to her emotions

eleven is a stickler for being on time im

SHE SO SMART SHE LEARNS SO FAST SHES LIKE TALKING SO WELL IM SO PROUD OF MY DAUGHTER

SHE WENT TO MIKE EVERY DAY I I CANNOT SHE MISSED HER FRIENDS SO MUCH SO MUCH and she keeps track of the days via miKE IM

I DID NOT EXPECT ELEVEN TO HOLD GRUDGES THO SHE HAS SUCH A TEMPER AND SHE WAS EBING SUCH A MOODY TEENAGER MY CHILD SHE ALSO HAS SUCH A TEMPER ???? IM

i was still shitty that hopper kept her in the cabin like i get ur trying to protect her but like its just a nicer lab pls the girl needs to get out im not okay

HOPPER PUT THE EGGOS IN A LOCK BOX BC HE KNEW SHED EAT THEM ALL I CRY also she hates normal food i cant even

eleven asking about her mom and hopper lying im i mean he didnt technically lie terry was kinda gone for him but still

also eleven is aparently the jealous type ????? she was so angry at max and im ??? no i want them to be friends i need them to be friends

when she called hopper papa im like that is the worst insult she can give im crying eleven was so upset and he just pushed it which is a typical parent move when u dont understand and im just eleven my poor daughtr she thought mike had replaced her and he didnt want her anhmore and she was so upset and im nope

also shes gonna have everyone call her jane now

also eleven is french not russian or maybe she is from russia i could place terry’s accent

UM OKAY rememebet that one scene in the first movie when will vanished before her eyes and she thought she had lost him and he was dead GUYS IT HAPPENED TO BOTH TERRY AND MIKE THIS TIME AND ELEVEN WAS SO FREAKED OUT BC SHE LOOSES CONTACT AND SHE DOESNT KNOW WHATS HAPPENED AND IM NOT OKAY WITH THAT

side note : there was so much mike / will in this season and im so happy they focused on their friendship even though mike was depressed and kinda an asshole to max like he doesnt want to forget el but im off track so much mike & will im so happy

THE GIRL DOESNT KNOW HOW TO KNOCK IM

PRETTY SHE CALLS THE BEAR PRETTY MMMMM

ngl eleven is a bit bratty wow but she was having a rough week we gonna give her some slack for that

okay so they were allowed to socialize in the lab when they were younger until they took eleven away and ???? mmmmm

FUCK BRENNER

HOPPER LOVES HER SO MUCH IT MAKES ME SO FBEUIFBJEI

take note, eleven hates peas

okay okay so do the test subjects all have some kind of mental connection like obvi not v strong but eleven was able to sense eight without going fully into the void s o ????

mouth breather will forever be her favorite insult

um okay pls give me a verse where eleven chose to stay with the outcasts bc !!!!! the shit also puNK JANE AU

JANE IS SO FULL OF ANGER AT SO MUCH AND SHE JUST BOTTLED IT UP AND NO ONE ASKED HER ABOUT IT AND EIGHT ALMOST HAD HER BUT JANE HAS SUCH A HEART THAT SHE CANT BE LIKE 8 AND IM JUST THAT ENTIRE EPISODE I WAS SO PROUD OF MY GIRL SHE LEARNED TO CONTROL HER ANGER AND SHE ALWAYS PUTS HER FRIENDS FIRST EVEN WHEN SHES NOT HELPING HERSELF AND I LOVE HER BC SHE IS INFACT SELFLESS BUT SHES ALSO A CHILD AND IM NOT OKAY

she still fears brenner the most out of anything she is not okay with him she is so glad he’s dead

BITCHIN BITCHIN BITCHIN

JANE “ELEVEN” IVES/HOPPER LOVES HER FRIENDS SO MUCH SHE IS WILLING TO DIE FOR THEM AND IM NOT OKAY BUT I ALSO LOVE HER

side note : BOB DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THIS IM FUCKING OUT

MIKE SEEING JANE FOR THE FIRST TIME IM ACTUALLY A MESS THEY WERE BOTH SO HAPPY TO FINALLY SEE EACH OTHER SHE LOVES AND VALUES HIM SO MUCH

she poked dustins front teeth im crying

I NEED MAX AND JANE TO BE FRIENDS FIGHT ME

MORE HOPPER AND JANE I CANT

sara and jane would have made the best sisters okay and hopper would have loved both his daughters im crying he lovES HER SO MUCH

PTSD PTSD PTSD

another thing i called : ELEVEN LOVES HOLDING HANDS

JANE HOPPER IM SO DEAD

SHE LOOKED SO PRETTY AND IM ACTUALLY A MESS “ u look beautiful “ MIKE UR PRECIOUS

CAN U BELIEVE THIS ENDED SO HAPPY SHE GOT TO GO TO A DANCE AND SEE EHR FRIENDS AND SHE GOT ADOPTED BY HOPPER THIS WAS THE BEST OUTCOME FOR HER IM SO HAPPY

#st2 spoilers #* i'm not thinking straight ever i'm not straight / / ooc.#( IM CRYING )

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tumblunni · 8 years

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HEYO! oh man now my friend helped me get all inspired again for working on my Cathedral Tower Defense game so WOO lets have another long post of miscellaneous ideasies for storyness! may not be very coherant tho cos i am super tired and ill! but happy!! THANKS SUMMON-DAZE FOR BEING MY ULTRA BESTIE

* Okay now I am super sure that I’m gonna let you choose the gender of the protagonist! And I wanna keep it so that their name is Amity either way, cos that’s kinda stuck in my mind. Surname Amity, player gets to decide the first name, but people will still be calling you Amity a lot at first cos you start off all awkward and formal with everybody. You’re a newcomer to this cathedral town and nobody knows whether to trust you, from their perspective you’re this dangerous person theyre forced to accept just because they need you to help protect them, whether you’re good or bad. They’re all worried what price they might have to pay for this, trying to figure out how to minimize the damage if you turn on them... and its not like they’re bad people for being untrustworthy, they’re just scared people huddling in a church and trying to keep their families safe at any cost. So try and prove your worth to them, and help them learn to protect themselves too, and make this ramshackle settlement into a real home! ....anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, gender selection is a good! And it could be relatively easy to impliment too, cos of the situation. Doesnt even necessarily have to be a menu or anything, it could just be like sir amity/lady amity/master amity. Cos you’re this paladin knighto, itd make sense for them to ask for your title. And it could just be like a shot of protagonist’s badass silhouette in the gateway of the cathedral and then you get the dialogue choice to pick your identity, and its all Super Cool~!

* It also actually gives me more of an idea of what i could do for their design, like I dunno maybe they have some sort of face-concealing helm or headdress or something. I was just thinking of them being dressed like a generic nun or princess but maybe emphasize more on the knight aspect instead of the holy part? So like anyway, maybe they have a very all-concealing outfit and that could be the framing of the first scene instead, its like *pulls off the mask and you’re into the character selection screen* Orrrrrr maybe there doesnt need to be any magical setup for a gender selection and it can just be a menu before the first scene starts XD Or maybe you have a cool face-concealing helmet thing anyway, like all three gender options just have a different one, lol

* More random magical names i got via the cool name generator site summon-daze linked to me! Dunno if I’ll actually use any of these but im writing them down here so i dont forget. Berebath, Betnia, Amurziz, Jetre, Miemahl, Semdach, Batxahl, Sidefarch, Botolohn, Vausach, Thammoch, Droibhal, Lekonach, Zeidhal, Tieloch, Rabrohm, Maesur, Smoiroch, Baelbuhr, Axoth, Jige, Chushou, Hukru, Nejeget, Roucu, Jinah, Aujus, Yekoth, Nugresah, Israfel, Jabriel, Tabris, Douma

* Also I’m remembering Jade Cocoon and how I liked that the different ‘families’ of monsters shared naming traits. Like how all those weird snake/slug cutiepies that i loved best were nushab, rashab, etc etc. And tamatoch and somethingtoch and so on. I think there was at least one where the modifier was a prefix too? I dunno why i’m talking about this, but there you go. I just think if i wanna do full original made up names for demon species then i wanna make em stuff that just... feels like that. I dont actually wanna make like five different elements of each one tho, i wanna have only one per element and then they have like two different higher level finalized forms. Like, the human characters can have two job classes each and the demons can have two specializations within an element. That helps me think about how to limit it down to four or five elements, if we can combine common fantasy elements together! And yeah I was thinking it’d be cool if the demon ‘job classes’ could have their own evolving appearances and new names!

* Thoughts for the ol elemental groupings! The only one I really have finalized is grass + poison = same thing. Florin, why u always the character that gets developed faster than everyone else XD And I’m thinking giving them their own made up names would make it easier! Like how in SMT you have spells being stuff like ‘media’ and ‘agi’ instead of cure and fire. But here (hopefully) it’d be easier to memorize cos its just the element names that’re fantasy words, and the attacks themselves would be a little more self explanatory. i just think it’d work cos like... the idea i had of rock and fire being one single demon type, you could just call that magma. But i mean, what can you call plant + poison? Except.. like.. plant. Cos poison is reasonably often a grass type skill anyway. And i mean, game creators dont often worry about making sense, what with how ‘grass’ is the common element name when thats just one plant in a million. I cant stop thinking about that now I’ve noticed it! I legit thought grass was a synonym for plant when i was a kid, i learned to read from pokemon yellow... ANYWAY IM GETTING OFFTOPIC AGAIN The other idea I had for groupings was fire + non-elemental together? I was just thinking like... aura. Non elemental/physical attack as a ‘magic’ could be fighting spirit! And thematically speaking it tends to be shown as fire effects in anime, i guess XD But then i couldnt put fire with rock and that means I’d have to redesign malachi again. his design ended up looking more firey than rocky :P Another idea is maybe darkness + non-elemental together? like, interpret non-elemental as ‘void’. Or light and dark could be together actually, that could be an interesting way to do it, instead of having them opposing. Like maybe the elements could be colours! Grey element, able to specialize into white or black but neither is any sort of ‘good and evil’. And then the rest could be like green or like.. instead of red maybe fire could be bronze and thats why it has rock skills too? or man, maybe rock and metal could be one element and fire could be grouped with something else. And would water and ice be too ordinary and boring? do they already kinda count as one element? should I throw in something else? GAHHHHHHH

* Ideas for the multiple religious groups aligned with each element! I’m thinking I want one of them to interpret the setting’s absent god as two deities. like, every perspective on this deity is a wildly different character, this one is just even more so! they’d see malahat (tentative name) as two people, but kinda more like a shared soul that can manifest as either a male or female form. But there’d be ambiguity and debates in the mythos over whether this is actually a genderfluid god, or if its ‘twins who were cursed to never exist at the same time’, or various other variations on the story. I wanna make it like real life, where even within (for example) catholocism, there’s different sects and different translations of the same text. And where there’s predjudice against minority groups and people like to twist their faith to ‘justify’ it, even when parts of the original tale could easily justify treating those people with kindness too. So there’d be some followers of the twins religion who are very openminded to LGBTQ people, and historically anyone trans was able to hold a unique position as a priest, being treated as someone blessed by god. But like in norse mythology, this wasnt necessarily a sign that society was 100% okay with LGBTQ people. Its kinda depressing to read about how trans women and gay men were considered the only people able to become a specific kind of witches, but also how you kinda HAD to take this one safety net in society to stop people from making you an outcast. It was like ‘make them fear me so they dont fuckin kill me’. You had to become a medicine person and at least claim to believe in these magic powers, you had to be blessed by the gods to prove you were like.. one of the good ones. Otherwise its like youre saying the gods made a mistake when they made you, or youre choosing to be a deviant against nature. i can only imagine how terrifying it must have been if you believed in that religion and had to like.. be forced to go against it and leave society, or be forced to lie about being chosen by a god for a higher purpose, while believing that any moment you might get struck down for lying. And then I read in other history books about how the concept of homosexuality was far different in that old society too, how male-on-male sex was accepted at sea as long as you were the dominant one and you were forcing something unwanted onto a lesser shipmate as punishment. Like ugh, rape being more socially accepted than consensual LGBTQ relationships! I guess the only solace is that we can never be 100% sure how much of historians’s theories are correct and what might have changed in retellings of history, but honestly I can believe the past is this fucked up when the present is already fucked up in different ways. BUT ANYWAY I wanna explore those themes in my story maybe. And I wanna do more research into the subject to make sure I’m doing it justice, even though its a very sad subject that might be quite stressful. Maaaaan, I remember how I used to obsess about researching norse myth as a kid, it was one of my first Special Interests and I really wanted to see all the different reinterpretations of Loki and write my own fanfic/adaptation/vaguely inspired original story about What If He Stayed A Good Guy. Man I had soooo much sympathy for the poor sod. I mean it depends on the retelling whether he was always evil or whether he was like a comedic neutral ally to the gods who just abruptly becomes evil and gets killed off without remorse in the final story. And gahhh he’s like the biggest LGBTQ bastion in the whole mythos, and how can I not feel sympathetic?? When we get all these stories about him being a literal genderfluid shapeshifter and giving birth to half of his children and just like seriously its like The Story Of the One Trans Man In Homophobic Transphobic Valhalla and he was probably meant to seem Bad and Funny and whatever but im gonna sit here and grumpily cling onto the idea that he was deliberately written as trans, or that if these gods actually do exist out there somewhere then Loki would support me. *pout* I just have a lot of good memories of how this was like the first sign of me realizing my own gender, back when I first learned about Loki in school and then devoured every damn history book about the dude. And got in a million internet pissing matches about how innacurate the marvel version was XD Also it sucks that we like to believe that modern times are always 100% more enlightened in every way, yet its modern adaptations that always censor out the bits about him shifting gender identities and getting pregnant once. ... man this has gone offtopic too much, im really tired but seriously its funny how teenage bunni had NO CLUE they were nonbinary, no clue why they got so obsessed researching gender-defying mythological figures and historians who created gender neutral pronouns in the 1800s. i was so supernaturally oblivious, holy shit...

#cathedral tower defense

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scorpioslut-blog1 · 5 years

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Social media, vices, drugs, intentions..again

On adderall. My chosen drug of preference right now. it makes me think, it makes me feel, it makes me express... i havent done it in like a week tho, so i'm sorta cracking out... bothering mila... thinking about life. I also just am always thinking, thinking so hard and about so much that I don’t even know what to do... and adderall makes me productive. it makes me feel, makes me think, makes me walk briskly and crave cigarettes and black coffee. my brother thinks i’m undiagnosed bipolar 1 and adhd, so maybe adderall was fated to be one of my many, many vices. which reminds me... i deleted instagram AGAIN, or my main account, just sort of disgusted with the distraction of it all... how i’m roaming these pages, even as an outsider, an outcast, a loner, comparing myself to everyone, being influenced by them... i dont really care about any of them... i mean i see wonderful people and wonderful things but i feel so detached, so isolated from everything and everyone. and i know i'm doing it to myself, but i dont really know how going back on instagram was supposed to help. i did it when i was lonely, and was stuck on there for a few weeks before it let me delete again. but i dont know. i guess i'm trying to live in the moment, in the real world, without the needs to broadcast everything or prove to people that i’m doing things and have friends and i'm beautiful and cool and all these things i used to care about. i just dont care, or am trying not to care, about how people perceive me. i feel like i dont, compared at least to a lot of people, but still, its this all consuming thing that ties into a lot of my concerns regarding the power of perception. and i’m just so angry. sooo angry at everybody, so angry at myself, i hate myself, i hate my family, i hate everything, and it isn’t fun. i wallow sometimes, i enjoy cigarettes and the smiths and being angry at the world but i dont know. today i missed a really important doctors appointment that, unlike most, wouldve been probably really useful and productive and instead i showed up fifteen minutes late (which is standard and not even that late) and they said i should reschedule but instead i didnt. afterwards i wanted to throw my skateboard off the second floor but i didnt, then i thought about throwing it down the stairs but i didnt. then i went outside and considered smoking a cigarette but i didnt. i instead walked back up the stupid hill i skated down in the rain just to make this stupid appointment and did all the things i'm supposed to do (after taking adderall). i went to the student store and stole a hydroflask, which felt really good, especially since i lost my old water bottle and thus my body and skin has literally suffered. then i went to walgreens and stole some black hair dye, which will give me something to do tonight besides all the responsibilities i'm perpetually neglecting. then i got a black coffee from strada (not a latte, because apparently adding any milk negates all the good shit coffee does for ur body, according to a random white guy in a dashiki i bought chips for outside of trader joes the other week). then i came to kroeber with the hopes of working on this project i'm pathetically half assing for sculpture, ran into mila, and have made him be the brunt of my adderall induced psychosis (not psychosis; using this word lightly).

now i’m outside of kroeber because i wanted a cigarette, one of the few vices i’m not even attempting to mitigate at the moment. even though its not good for my skin and my stomach, two things i've been trying to really improve. the one thing i cant bring myself to do is get up and start my day and do all the motions of a regular person. i love sleep, and there’s nothing wrong with it, except i had been having a hard time going to bed at a decent hour for a while, so i got a dab pen which helps. all i've done the last week was sleep, though, and i'm enjoying it again. i can now go to bed early ish, if i try, which is good. i think i'm also getting better at thinking, which was the main reason, i believe, i was drinking. so i wasnt thinking so damn much. i've also tried not avoiding thinking of certain things, which i historically do, distracting myself with my social life and other people’s problems and my problems and boys i like and parties i’m going to. i dont worry too much about death anymore, which might be my greatest feat. i'm going through what i'm tell my friends is a quarter-life crisis, something they will understand when they turn 21. i think that’s a big part of it. i think a lot about where i am and what my twenties are supposed to mean, where i wanna be, the person i wanna be. i had a thought the other day that i had no sense of who i am. no sense of self or identity. especially after being consumed so heavily these past few years. i dont even remember the last year. i felt like i was floating through it. which i guess is the point of all my isolation and self punishment. i want to be present for my own fucking life. i think about the last year of my life and it just feels like i never digested it, realized my context in the world, outside of my house or my friends. which is the benefit of being alone. thinking, digesting, unpacking... but then i get so lonely and bored and unmotivated and then i just distract myself with television. which is so bad, but so good. i can think about these fake lives so much more, and not think about my life, or my lack of one. i dont want to feel bad for myself. but i guess i just want things that i'm not getting right now. i want friends i can laugh with and enjoy life with. i want things to look forward to, which come and go. i want love, i want someone to sleep with at night and cook with and watch tv with. i think a lot about the things that i've had, or when i had them. i had all these emotional, physical things with justin. and it’s been almost a year since i’ve had that. i had a sexual experience after thanksgiving, i went over to this guys house who is really nice and smart and a great but just terrible in bed. TERRIBLE. but he was a good cuddler, he’s really nice and respectful (i just dont want ANY sexual relations with him at all). i think i wanna be his friend. but it was really nice to have someone in bed with me. i think its also more hard when i see everyone around me in these beautiful relationships of all sorts, so happy and productive, even if everyones mentally i.ll too, they can sleep together and do things together... but i can do that too, by myself or with friends, which is what i'm trying to do. also not use other people as crutches, as reasons to get up or wake up early or eat food or have fun or socialize. after i get through this week or two of making up an entire semester’s worth of shit i didnt do, once i have free time which i simultaneously always yet never have, i want to love life by myself. i dont want to need adderall. but at this point i just wanna do anything that fixes things. i keep telling myself that if i just get through this and keep sticking to these changes I'll be happier. my new life will cost my old one. but then the pattern tells me that i need to stop hiding from who i'm meant to be. so i dont know what to do... i know i'm a social creature, i love people and connections, but i hate everyone, i'm sick of loving and giving, i'm trying to be intentional and waring and careful with my relationships but i'm just so lonely and bitter. i'm driving everyone away, killing the few relationships i do have, i hang with bree and like her a lot but like she pointed out, thats because we live together, not that i dont like her but i'm forced to socialize with her which is good but also i should want to socialize with other people. i think going home will be great for me. connect with people. i dont want to tell people how lonely i am but i am. and itl be really nice to spend time with the people who matter to me over there. about this whole not-present-in-my-own-life-for-a-year thing, i havent really been there on the east coast. like i want to be there. i was there for so long, and i thought this place would be my home, but now i'm wondering. i think also its realizing that its me, not where i am, so i need to fix me. and i'm trying to fix myself but also, at what point do i need help? how do i get that help? i know it sounds easy, my mother says so, i just call and make these appointments. but then its just so hard to do, hard to establish these schedules and hard to get there or even want to go, and money, so i dont know. i want to take a semester off but thats not gonna happen. i want to stay but i want to go. i want to get better, but i dont want to fall into the same patterns. i want to break the pattern. i want to stop floating through my own life. i want to be productive, successful, functioning, and I want to be that fun time, that fun funny beautiful person i know i am, but i dont want to be destructive or toxic to myself or others. i want to love myself, i want to be that person i used to be. i want to be as brave and confident and sexy and interesting and mysterious as people perceive me to be, but i feel like none of those things. i dont want to shower because i dont want to look down at my body. i want to get dressed and feel good about my appearance in the morning but i just always feel so ugly and insecure and uncomfortable, and i know i wasnt always like this, sometimes i am, but i wonder if i was just faking it, and i think in many ways i was. i know growth and self improvement is not linear and not always an upwards trajectory and i am trying, but it just almost feels like I'll never be that person again, and i want to. i want to go back in time. i want to always be doing things and having fun, but i know i cant. i know i cant because its not sustainable, its self destructive, its destructive to others, and that is how i became a commodity. i became something to consume and distract and give and create fun and introduce and party with and take pictures of and with. it makes me sick. it makes me sick how people want to be me or be with me or theorize on me and my personhood and think of the ways in which i serve them, how i'm always up and happy and fun and if i'm not then i did them wrong, or i'm wrong, or i'm mad, or i'm rude. i dont like how people want things from me, how i'm always performing, always pretending. i dont like how people dont want to understand how complex people are, but then again maybe its only in regard to me. then its my fault for creating this persona, feeding into it, allowing and encouraging them to take from me, its not that theyre taking but its that i'm giving, so i dont want to give anymore. i'm sick of giving and giving then being painted the devil. i dont like trying to be this or that or hoping for this or that. so i'm not giving anymore. which hurts me, i want to give, i want to love and create and bring together. but i think about how i surround myself with beautiful people and things, hoping that if i am surrounded in beauty that it will make me beautiful. i fetishize everything, everything fetishizes me. i like to be looked at but i hate when people look at me. i want everything to be about me, but i am nothing. this is not a movie, this is real life, people die, people take drugs, people hurt, we hurt each other, the world is unfair and fucked up and some peoples likes just arent supposed to be easy. i know i'm grateful, and i'm trying to be more grateful and appreciative and exist in this life. i am thankful for my parents, but i'm mad, and i cant even vocalize or express in the ways that i want to. i cant say anything real without crying. i'm not even particularly more sad than usual, i think i'm just depressed and lonely. which i've been many times before. anyway, i'm trying to take advantage of everything around me, like i'm supposed to. i want to go to dolores and bask in the sunlight, i want to enjoy being with people but not be the entertainer. i want things to feel natural and effortless but i want to be intentional so bad, i want to be thoughtful and intentional with words and actions and situations i put myself in. like when i hooked up with that boy, i didnt want to, i didnt know how to say i just didnt want to. when i actually am invited somewhere and i socialize i want to enjoy it without drinking or drugs but i cant. i had a nice day the other day, me and my room mate and her mans and her friend who’s my friend who i love dearly and is really awesome, we all went to sutro baths and had a grand old time, a great day, we went to an estate fair and a coffee shop and we went to sutro baths then got vietnamese food, it was lovely. i want more days like that. it felt nice to socialize, be with a group of friends, having fun, being young. i want that balance, i want to focus on my career and studies and interests, i even want more days like today. i failed miserably but i took adderall and did some things in between before it hit and now i'm writing my feelings, which feels absolutely amazing. i'm on my 4.5th cigarette today, but like i said, one allowed vice in the place of many. i want to do things, to be functional, to live in this moment with full presence and action.

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