#i don't want to kill myself because i do know all these problems are temporary and life goes on

[local-limebug]

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[thatgayguywholikesyourcontent]

My Problem with Pryor

I love X-Men '97, don't get me wrong, but as a Madelyne Pryor fan it irks me how they handled her. You have to understand that in the comics Maddie was her own person until she wasn't. She just so happened to look like Jean Grey. When Scott fell in love with her, he kept second guessing himself if he was falling in the love with Madelyne or the memory of his deceased wife. Marvel wanted Jean back and Scott back on the team, but Maddie and her child where in the way. Long story short: they did a "gotcha" reveal that Maddie was a clone concocted by Sinister to get a Grey-Summers child after he heard Jean died.

A lot of shit happened because Marvel wanted their flagship couple back together, and Maddie as a character was a casualty of it.

The comics have very recently addressed within the last few years addressed the whole post-inferno Maddie thing. People have differing opinions how the pulled off. I have my own personal opinions myself.

Then 97 comes out. Madelyne happens and you'd think I'd be happy seeing here, right? And I was until I wasn't. Looking back on the season after watching the finale I started to see some, uh, takes on Maddie, Jean and their relationship with Nathan that I don't agree with. To each there own. Understand that I don't blame people for having them.

I blame the show.

Cause the Maddie I saw wasn't Alaskan pilot Madelyne Pryor. The writers reduced her to the thing the comics made her: a clone. And we can argue back and forth of when the switch happened, the value of personal experience, and how all the blame for a shitty situation falls on Mr. Sinister.

I hate what they did. Not just because I disagree with it, but how many people read the comics? Go back and read the older stuff? This show introduced plots, characters, and concepts distilled and whittled down for a TV audience. For a lot of people this is their introduction to Madelyne Pryor and the message is clear. She's just a clone.

And, you ask, "well, how should they have handled it?" The thing is, they shouldn't. Maddie, her conflict and death, wasn't necessary. Jean was alive, Sinister could've just snatched her baby, but I guess the writers wanted to have their cake and eat it too. Want drama between Scott and Jean? Well, we could do the cheating plot with Emma but the show's continuity hasn't set it up. We want do stuff with Cabel, but Nathan is born after Jean's death. What to do? Oh, I know! Bring in Maddie to cause a temporary rift between jean and Scott cause we're just going to kill her to not only give Nathan a tragic backstory but tension between him and Scott.

The show's treatment of Madelyne Pryor reflects what the comics did to her. Not the tragedy of stripping a mother away from her child and person hood, but a plot device so Jean and Scott don't have to take a hit.

Cynical? Sure. This is a vent. What did you expect.

Am I being unfair to Jean and Scott? Yep, but its not an issue of poor writing. This was an intentional choice the writers made.

Am I worried about fans of Jean, Scott, and Nathan disagreeing with me? Well, why would they? Haven't you listened to what they've been saying? Nathan's practically Jean's son. Maddie would've wanted Jean and Scott to be happy.

She's just a clone.

A Jean they could spare....

[thousand-winters]

Alright, I've let it settle and I think, other than Tamika being the leader of the rebellion against Strex, and the Boy's temporary guardian, there's thematically another reason why she's fitting to be one of the three people the Boy ended up with in that little babysitting/hostage situation.

Obviously, Tamika has grown a lot since Year 2. Cecil himself has expressed his grumbly disappointment at times that she's no longer that bold kid, leader of her own teen militia, that was always quick to fight against any threats to the town. She's a Council Member now, after all, and she can't dropkick her problems anymore, she has to actually try to be diplomatic and reasonable.

Now, of course Tamika was very different from Strex and the Smiling God adherents because it's not like she was just going around commiting acts of violence randomly or because that pleased her. She was a fighter, yes, but her actions always had a motive and the motive was usually "someone is trying to cause chaos and hurt our town". But even so, we're talking about a past of violence and forceful actions. It was always for a good cause, but you can't deny there was violence.

She's been said to struggle with the difference between who she used to be in that sense and who she's trying to be now, and I think that's where she resonates with Kevin/the Boy.

The comparison is obvious if we think about Kevin and Desert Bluffs and the wild amounts of violence happening there. Like I don't know about you but when I think about Desert Bluffs, my first thought is the sun, and my second thought is blood. Violence with a smile and cheerful tone is still violence.

But that's not what I find interesting about this comparison. Remember Triptych? Remember who was leading the rebellion against Strex Corp in Desert Bluffs? Remember who was physically trying to stop them from taking over his town, just like Tamika?

Kevin.

It's so interesting that the Boy seems to be a younger version of Kevin who's intent on starting anew. He rejects what past Kevin has had to deal with, the expectations. If I recall correctly, this is also something Tamika herself brings up in Council Member Flynn, how who she wants to be has changed from what others has always expected her to be.

"Everyone wants something from me. I only want to want something for myself.” (240 - He is holding a knife)

Despite the fact that he carries a knife the whole episode, he doesn't seem to know what to do with it, and he doesn't figure out what he is 'supposed' to do with it until the next episode.

Interestingly enough, the Boy expresses that he wants to pull out thoughts memories and emotions with the help of the knives, and while he later rationalizes this means he has to kill adult Kevin, I think part of it is the fact he's getting his memories, his trauma, his story of violence. He wants to get rid of all of that but he's struggling to reconcile with what he has to do in order to manage this, and in doing so, he falls back into what's familiar for him.

Trying to get rid of violence through violence.

It's a more complex matter than the ones Tamika usually dealt with, but the parallels are there.

[sheisaloneandlonley]

...

"Man, I wish I hadn't killed myself. Those people down there really loved me."

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

I want to die

I want to die

I want to die

I want to die

I think about it a lot, and I know I am not unique in it. It's a rising sentiment. There are thousands of us, even still knowing that understanding that fact, this feeling is completely isolating. There's no way someone could be this sad they pray to not wake up in the morning, consistently. I'm not even the only one in this family who thinks it. How the hell do I not have company? How am I so alone.

.....

I think I have sundowners, I only get like this right before Im trying to go to sleep.

My mom doesn't like it when I talk. But my dad does, but he doesn't really like me, well neither of them really do...but he listens and thinks it's interesting what I have to add...but my mom gets mad

.....

"It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, mom"

This is why fake it to you make it isn't working this is why faking it is making it worse this is when you need to realize that grass on he other side is astroterf and the sun has heated it to burning, it is not an appropriate place for a picknic. There is no keeping up with the Joneses here...this illness is chronic and I can't continue to give energy to a future that is unatanibly green as the fact plastic on the other side.

....

My mom says I'm good at making something out of nothing. So I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing and Drs get away with assault and murder and my boss gets away with sexual harassment and my God father gets away with calling me a joke and I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing and when it's to much and the cracks in the damn break and all the abuse I have shouldered silent come out of me in a torental fit a barrier that can no longer hold back the hurt mom has the audacity to be shocked at all that I've had to endure and she has the nerve to make me guilty of keeping my silence so I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing how much is truly her fault and how much is mine? Mom says you make something out of nothing and then asks me for stories....and how much should I be able to lay at her feet and how much can I take accountability for? Blame. How much is hers and how much is mine.

....

It occurred to me that someone must wonder why I am so obsessed with my mom but she made herself all I had once, she made herself paramount in my life. At one point my mother was the only kind touch in my world and I wonder if she felt power in denying me that. I wonder if she isolated me on purpose or accidentally and I wonder which is worse, and I convince myself it doesn't matter because the end result is the same. The cornerstone of my life is my mother's approval and it is exhausting digging down to replace it.

...

As low as she makes me, she makes me as high. She is still a safety net. She still will catch me, reassure me that no matter how badly I've blundered she will pick me up. And she is the only one who is this unwavering, no matter how sad she makes me, she still loves me. No matter how much she doesn't understand me she still loves me. No matter how much hate I feel it's still love underneath all of it. And I don't want to remove her as my cornerstone, but I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

....

My cousin blocked me after I was posting about being sick, I think that's why. Idk. My mom told me, my cousin said she'd rather die than be in my shoes. But I'd rather die too. I'd rather be dead. I want to die, I don't want to be sick, I'm not enjoying this and I'm not gonna hide it for everyone's convince, and now I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. She's sick too she's like me, and I was so excited to have comrodery. I was so happy to not be alone in this illness. And she just....it's a boundary and I will respect it. But "can't I have something that's just mine" seriously? I'm so upset. I'm mad and I'm sad and I want to throw things so they break and I want to die. And I feel like an idiot screaming it's not fair. I didn't want to be so so alone. I'm so alone. Everything sucks and I wanna die. I just, this isn't anything close to what I had pictured for myself, and I don't know how to pivot. I don't know how to roll with this anymore. I don't know how to go with the flow of this hand life delt me. And I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't have the energy to pretend anymore. I just want to die. I'm so tired. And no matter how much sleep I do or don't get, I'm exhausted and fumbling for what to do. I'm not getting better. I'm stagnet and getting worse. I'm getting worse and the worse I get the more people leave

A d the more people leave the worse I get. And it's the ugly endless cycle that I'm being eaten up by and I don't know what to do.

My Nino said I was a joke. And I knew he thought that, and it wasn't surprising to have that confirmation. I feltlike I should have had more of a reaction. And I justified it in my mind as him not being to serious about it.reverce psychology or somethkng. But now that my cousins are cutting me off, now that it's my generation and the one after, now that it's the ones who have gone through this same hell, now that theyre not here for me. Now I'm so madsadsickx about this. He called me a joke, to my face. He called me a joke to my face. I'm not. I'm sick. I'm in heart failure, I'm actively sick and I'm struggling so hard to get better. And I'm a joke. And I just I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so upset

I want to die and I can't. Because I have responsibilities, and people who would be sad. A nd I resent them. I resent the hell out of them for making me stay here with all of this. I don't know how to let this go. I want to be happy, but it's so much of an impossibility that I don't even think about it. There's no way to that outcome anymore. Theres none of that for me. And I just don't want to even try. I'm so fucking depressed I can't even get out of bed most days and I'm so fucking disappointed that I wake up and have to keep doing this. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't have a choice. I'm so tired.

I asked for this. I asked God to let me shoulder the burden of suffering I asked for this I prayed for this I was so obsessed with stigmata and miricals and saints and I wanted to help like them. I fucking prayed for this. And now look at me.

...

I started writing goodbyes in my head. I started with my mom, then Alda, then my dad....which got a little mean, and a lot more vindictive, and then I got to Madison and I couldn't do it, not even in my head. I couldn't stop repeating I'm sorry to her. There's no one I lobw more in existence, I know what the big bang felt like because of how I love her. Every love I've felt before her is so different in comparison. Like I was looking at the world through dirty scratched up sunglasses, then Madison happened and my heart exploded open BANG it's the truest love. I can't understand how my mom and Ron treat her sometimes. She is joy personified even when she's being "bad" and I can't say a permanent goodbye to her. I can't make her sad like I'm sad. When my brother made the attempt I was devastated, I couldn't stop crying for days. If he has successfully done anything I think I wouldn't be far behind. I can't do that to them. I could consider it when it was just brother, because he would understand right, he knows what this feels like he knows how hard it is to keep going. He would forgive me. But Madison is too little I can't do that to her she wouldn't understand. I can't be sorry enough about it. I can't be that dark spot in her life. I can't do that to her. I love her so much and I want that to be enough...it has to be. It has to be! She's so good, she deserves so much better than what life is for her. She deserves siblings who aren't suicidal and parents with endless patience. And adoration and so much more love. And I can't do that to her. The guilt has to be enough, even if the love isn't. Because it's easier to hang into, to feel. Especially right now. I didn't feel better trying to outline a goodbye to her and realized I loved her too much to do it, I was just too guilty about the outcome. What if that guilt and shame doesn't go away after you die. What if you have to just exist with it indefinitely. What if God decided that was my hell. You destroyed your sister's love, now you have to carry that around for eternity. ....... It's worse right then being miserable alive? Right?

Is DISPAIR worse than guilt? No... It can't be. How the hell are these my only options? How did I end up here? What did I do? This feels like a punishment.

...

I was okay when it was my Nino, I was okay when it was my Tia Tweety and Jessica, it hurt a lot and I was sad, but I was okay.

I'm not okay now that it's my Nina...She baptized me, she did my confirmation, her laugh was my favorite sound in the world. I felt so good when she called me "my Sandra" I'm not okay. I know grief does weird things to people...I know her daddy died. I know how hard that was she was in charge of all of that. But I would never want her to feel the way she's making me feel. Is there a word for the saddest sad? It doesn't seem to encompass this feeling.

Remember when I was your favorite? How can you not remember that? How can you not remember who I am to you or who I am as a person. How did I get here? What did I do? Why do they hate me. I swear I swear I didn't do anything!

Did you ever see the movie Gravity? When Dr Ryan Stone gets thrown off structure in space? And all she can yell in her panic is "What do I do?!" Yeah....yeah.

...

I want to die it it to be not my fault.i want my Tata to come get me, I want my Nana to come get me. I want my Nana to come get me. I want my baby doggies to come get me, my Kisha baby and my baby Miss Eva

I want it to not me by fault so no one can blame me. And I want someone who loves me to come get me. And I screaming as loud as I can in my head "please come get me, please please" please let it be like the TV shows, please let them come and hold my hand and call my name and come get me. Please let me be so happy to see them, and them me and were reunited with joy and love and the take my hand when they come get me. Andnim not punished for wanting it and I'm not punished for doing it to myself. And they're just a little bit upset that noone stopped me or that jonone noticed how bad it was for me.

I thought I heard my Tata calling me last week. I was just waking up, and I thought he was standing outside my door and he called me, like he needed me to do something. Like he needed my help. I thought I heard him... I thought he was going to tell me something. Maybe about the dogs? Or my car? Maybe I had mail? Or maybe he has gotten pizza and wanted to let me know. I was awake and I heard him call me, and I just forgot he was dead in my foggy state I'm always in when I wake up. But I didn't open the door when I got to it. I heard my Tio ferny and turned around and went right back to bed. I want him to call me away, I think if I had opened the door....I think he might have been standing there, maybe he would have offered his hand, maybe I would have just dropped dead on the spot. Maybe I missed him too much, maybe

I spend so much time being sad, I'm wasting this finite resource. I do think I enjoyed the time I had to be happy well enough, I think I took it for granted that my default was willing to see the silver lining. I think I'm blowing it. It's beautiful outside. My dogs love me. I'm not expected to do anything but exist in this space, I

And I'm wasting my time being sad! And I can't stop, and I'm frustrated, and then sad, and then frustrated. And every feeling that I have is colored by this base feeling and it sours everything else. And it doesn't matter how long I go without falling back down here to my sadness, because I'll always end up here again. And I can't look at it like yin and yang, like there's a balance to this, because this is too much! When I know this is my default when I know that I'll end up here over and over again. There isn't enough time or resources that'll make any of this balanced out! And whatever comfort I have I can't enjoy enough because it's been colored by this eventually. And anyone who's loved me knows that and they're no longer giving me the time, because they know it's wasted!

My Nino said if I died tomorrow he'd be sad, but he'd get over it. I'd end up a little pocket picture on my ninas shelf and that would be the end of me. My Nino, the "good" father figure in my life. That I only had my Nana and Tata who truly "gave a rats ass about you"

And my Tata is dead and maneuvers me into a worst position before he died. If they are the only ones who truly cared for me...it feels minimal.

I can't stop chastising myself for feeling so childish. I understand nuance and complexity. But I can't stop thinking about how unfair all of this is. I can't stop thinking that I should be loved unconditionally, that I have a right to ot. That it was given to me so freely for so long by so many...and it was pulled out from under me and how much that hurts...it's not fair...and I can't make due with what little I have left, and that's making me lose more...and I would beg if it would make a difference, if that's how loved actually worked I would beg! Pride be damned! I would do it...but I know better...and I know that these feelings are coloring the things I do in my day to day and it's making me bitter and making everything worse and I don't know what to do, because I need more then I'm getting and I don't know how to fill this deficit, or how to adapt to it.

....

I see people like Kay (Kay and Taylor from tt) struggling with chronic illnesses and mental health, and she has such a good life, such a good support system and there are so many things going for her, and she still struggles so hard... And with all that's going on for her she still has a hard time, and I think oh God, I don't even have that kind of support, not even close and if she's struggling with that, then how the hell do I have a chance to even begin to cope?

[galactic-pirates]

Writing asks: 11, 22, and 31, please!

Thank you so much for the ask!!

11) Three tropes that are fine but overrated Hmm this is a hard question because first the instant anyone asks me to name things like tropes - head empty, no thoughts. Total brain fail. Second, I don't know, I don't like to judge things. This is how I wound up writing Time Will Tell (Sanctuary Soulmates fic) because I never liked the Soulmates trope. So I challenged myself to see if I could write a version I liked and I did.

If a trope is 'overrated' is that less the problem of the trope, and more just the versions being read? Not everything can be to everyone's taste. One person's absolute favourite fic, can be somebody else's 'backspace, run far away', or just 'meh'.

I've been enjoying rambling about the romance tropes that purlturtle picked for the bracket lately. There are some there, that just are not my thing at all. Does that make them overrated? It means they aren't for me.

I'm sorry this doesn't really answer the question but it's the only answer I feel like I have.

22) What is it about watching the same two idiots falling in love over and over again? I touched on this actually in one of my recent rambles on the bracket. I think I was talking about soulmates and fate, and saying that I didn't like it because love is a choice, and it takes work. Thank Eve Baird for saying that real love is hard and that's how you know it's real. But I do love those two quotes about (paraphrased) "no matter the universe I would find you, and choose you" and "I hope in every world there's an us" and it's sort of like that with the infinite ways the OTP can be together. It's transcendent. It's like that multi-verse spanning love in action. Sort of 'proving' how right they are for each other because they just fit. It doesn't matter if it's canon or AU, canon-divergent etc. Some things are just meant to be.

In other words it's comforting. Bringing order to the chaos of the universe. Saying that in this corner all is well because these two (or three) idiots have each other.

31) What was the most difficult fic for you to write (but in the end you made it)? I think I have a "kill it with fire", it's awful, it's unfixable, I can't do this, I'm fed up, I don't want to, I hate it etc. moment with most fics - or at least the longer ones. Although short fics can be buggers as well, especially if they have to be short for some reason. I loathe word limits with the fire of a thousand suns.

I don't know if I can really say that any particular fic was harder than any other. I would probably say that when I was struggling with it, but after? when it's done? The pain is temporary and it's hard to remember after. Each fic brings it's own challenges. Besides if anything was truly too much then it wouldn't qualify for the 'in the end I made it' because I didn't. My abandoned Librarians fic in the structure of the Rashoman Job (from Leverage) attests to this.

(as I'm not sure that I really answered a couple of these I'll tack on another for you)

25) Is writing the whole thing beforehand better or worse than writing it as you go? It is better because there's no risk of writing myself into a corner, and then having to abandon the fic. If I make a mistake I can go back and revise etc. I can post with absolute confidence as I know it's complete. Plus if something goes wrong then it can just live on my HD indefinitely and I can switch to a different project. It's very freeing. Would 110% recommend (I wrote all my fanfics like this from 2020 onwards).

BUT there is something to be said for a live audience. Back in the day when I first joined tumblr/AO3 and I was writing for Rumbelle, I wrote everything 'live'. I don't know if it was the fandom, the time, or what but I got a lot more engagement. There was more community and that was nice. Writing is lonely and what I miss more than anything is being able to talk to someone about my WIP, them being enthusiastic and sort of bouncing off each other. Never posting a WIP means there is zero possibility of that ever which is sad.

Still I would recommend writing it all out first. I feel like it makes for a more coherent story but that's the novelist in me.

[iamasimplesimp]

i think i've finally realized that my life has spun out of my control and I don't know what to do about it.

so much has happened over the past 3 weeks and all of it is stressing me out. there's the usual stressful things; constant exhaustion, several different mental illnesses as well as chronic physical illnesses that have no known cause and the 'cure' is temporary and messes with my pills if I don't schedule everything correctly, so I just deal with the physical pain. my parents won't let me have control over my money or medical

but the new shit over the past 3 weeks has been... bad.

No adderall, i'll be moving out of state to California soon, one of my ex-partners broke up with me and, even though I know it'll only be temporary until I move back here, it still hurts. My other partner is dealing with homelessness. And though I've helped, I still feel like I've not done enough, that I'm not enough at all. my plan to go to family in Indiana rather than California where my current family is moving to fell through, and all my expectations of living on my own have come to a crashing halt.

i need my family for things like shelter, food, etc. i can't stay or go anywhere else. I'm turning 27 on the third, and my dad tells me that I'm the problem. That I need a job, to move forward in life despite him knowing that I'm mentally disabled. I'm on SSI, but I'm called a lazy asshole by my stepmother cause I don't do the dishes the way she wants me to do them. Though she moved to California already, I'm not looking forward to seeing her again. She's rude and doesn't like me because I dropped out of college and cant' recall to do my chores all the time because I have ADHD and severe depression that the pills aren't helping with as much as they should. I'm gonna have to get a part-time job just to pay for the antidepressant treatment I need. Dad says that it's my fault I dropped out of college. That if I just stuck through it, despite me telling him I was dealing with suicidal thoughts because of college and panicked cause I didn't want to die. He doesn't understand that just cause I don't want to die doesn't mean that magically I won't kill myself after long enough of dealing with the stress.

I had my last therapy appointment with my therapist today and won't be getting another one for a while. I only realized the size of my stress just now after thinking about how I've been wanting to destroy my stuff lately.

I want out

i want out so badly

haha, i tie my art with my self-worth, and isn't that dumb?

[castysandthedeep]

This concept has been eating through my brain like acid: life series Joel and Grian having insane bloody feral sex when they team as red lives, and then awkwardly mostly avoiding each other on green and yellow (I forget what fic said this but there’s a Joel-centric fic that described it as “that green life clarity” that I thought was so funny).

I’m thinking either primal top Joel x brat Grian or some kind of stricter gleeful dominant Grian with a still feral submissive Joel who’s doing his best to obey. I love your Grian from insatiable who’s theoretically a brat until he brats too hard by accident and ends up punting his partner into subspace. And then he’s a dom. Oops. And I love your Grian from lovegame who’s ever so frightening and everyone is TERRIFIED of him going red.

Also Joel like a tamed wolf etc… going insanely feral as a red life and being desperately, devastatingly loyal to whatever teammates he can scrounge up vs Grian who sees his allies as necessary sources of power and leverage but also as ultimately temporary, who is fully ready to strategically abandon his teammates as soon as it becomes advantageous to do so.

Anyways. Dynamic of: Joel being absolutely feral with bloodlust but trying so hard not to kill Grian and be the best teammate he can so that Grian doesn’t abandon him VS Grian who knows logically that he should drop Joel as soon as it becomes too costly to keep him as a teammate but who keeps instinctually protecting him + accidentally getting too fond of him anyways. Because one-sided devotion my beloved.

Sorry for the long and clinically insane ask. Just wanted to let you know. All my love!

this ask could not have found me at a better time. i'm in exactly the right mood to talk about insane red-life sex. (little sidenote, lovegame chapter 5 is about to drop very, very soon!)

i've written joel/grian before, both in a published fic where grian was afk and an unpublished fic i actually forgot existed until this very moment, but both of those fics were set in limited life, and this kind of dynamic feels straight out of last life to me. if i were going to write this (and i'm actually quite tempted, but i won't make any promises as my WIP pile is ridiculous right now), i'd definitely want to set it in last life. joel killing grian because he's lonely and desperate for a friend? the two of them wreaking havoc on the server together? it's perfect.

also, to me, the version of grian that's actually cold enough to hold joel at arm's length could only exist in last life. in every other season, it's clear that grian thinks he's the type of person to prioritize his own personal victory over taking care of his team, but he keeps getting emotionally attached anyway. he may pretend otherwise, but he always reveals his hand in moments of panic. i can see him overcompensating in last life and stringing joel along with the promise of companionship, putting off any actual vulnerability until it's too late... okay, i'm definitely doing a last life rewatch now.

as for the dynamic between them, i have a heavy personal bias toward dombottom grian as well as an undying fondness for joel getting his shit wrecked (and loving every second of it). that being said, i don't think joel would take it lying down. if he were on green or yellow i'd just call him a brat, but we're talking about red joel at his most violent and out-of-control. whether he'll actually successfully flip the script on grian remains to be seen, but the underlying possibility is always there, and grian is very uncomfortably aware of it.

so yeah, thanks for the ask! i didn't expect to get this enthusiastic about it, but i'm all in on the insanity bandwagon now. i can absolutely see myself writing this. the only real problem is that i can't see myself finishing it, because if i've got this much to say about it from the get-go, i could end up with another lovegame-sized project, and i've been incredibly busy with real-life things, so my writing progress has been moving at a snail's pace. if only i lived in a perfect world where i could sit around and write minecraft roleplay porn all day...

[mpwritesstuff]

"So, let me get this straight." My brows pinch together as I rubbed my temples. "You want me to do what?"

The man in front of me anxiously twiddles his thumbs, refusing to look me in the eyes. Wiry male. Greasy black hair. Freshly shaven face. Clearly a nerd. I can see why he would make such an unusual request with an appearance like that.

"Erm." He pauses, gulps, and says, "I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend. For a couple days!" he adds quickly, as if it would alleviate any prior concerns I have. "Just until I can convince my parents that I am getting out there and finding love."

What a strange human. Learning such complex runes just to find himself a temporary date? "I do find it rather amusing that you just found out how to summon demons solely to make such a request."

"Ah." His hands are shaking slightly, possibly out of fear. "I hope I don't offend you, your...demoness."

I wave him off absentmindedly. "No need for the formalities. Lilith works for me."

"Oh, Lilith, heh, ok." Clearly he hasn't spoken to a woman. "So, um-"

"Yes, I am a succubus." I stare down at my nails, lightly picking at one with my thumb. Hell. I should get them resharpened. "Yes, I can do a human glamour. My services mostly lie in getting back at past lovers and tearing their heart out of their chest with the reward of getting to eat it. So why-" I look back at the jittery human. "-should I take this job on? I'm not seeing any benefits for me. And no," I say before he can start talking again, "I don't take payment in the form of Earth currency. I have no plans on staying in this overworld for an extended period of time."

He mutters something incomprehensible, but finally composes himself. He says, "Well, um, you'll be surprised to know that I've actually summoned other demons before you."

I cock my head, my tail flicking slightly. Now that is interesting. "Go on."

"I'll admit I've done...a lot of terrible things to get to the point I'm currently at now," he confesses. "I've had girlfriends before. They've had...unfortunately demises, to put it simply."

"You sacrifice them to see demons and ask them to date you," I state plainly.

"Not that." He pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. "I got a three figure job after selling my soul, and now I have to kill one person a month for them. I'm used to it at this point, but it's risky business. I can't let anyone find out what I'm doing."

Ah. It all makes sense now. "So your parents found out you were dating and are demanding that you bring...'her', home, but she's dead."

He nods. "Yes," is the only answer he gives me.

Well, this could go one of two ways.

One: I agree to his ridiculous plan and stay on Earth for a week. Benefits include not having to pay for any meals, free housing, and possibly enough chances to manipulate him into feeding me unsuspecting men. He's already bound by soul to another demon, so he has enough experience in luring other people into his home. Downside: this might be a one-way ticket to staying on Earth forever. Who knows what his parents will say? I can't risk this man getting feelings for me and having to fake a marriage.

The second option is to refuse. It definitely seems like the easiest option. I go back to my regular business and resume usual duties as a demoness. Positives include not having to worry about having to stay on Earth for longer than expected. However, I do pose the risk of pissing off whoever he is bound to. Requiring a sacrificial female...that sounds like a lot of powerful demons I know. They'll be able to trace the problem right back to me.

Well. It's starting to look like I only have one choice.

"Fine," I say, stepping out of the circle of runes. "I'll do it. In return, I require that you follow my requests every step of the way and allow me to feast at night. You're free to lure a man into your house, but I'd rather do that part myself." Because it's the fun part of the job. I can't tell him that, though.

His eyes brighten. "Thank you so much, Lilith! I accept the terms of your agreement."

That was...rather easy. "First, tell me your name. Second, you must take me to dinner and tell me everything about you and your parents. I will need that knowledge if this plan of yours is to succeed."

"I'm James," he says, extending a hand to me. "There's an excellent Italian restaurant five minutes from here if that works for you."

I take his hand and shake it. "Excellent. I've been craving penne vodka for a bit, anyways."

You, a powerful demoness, have just been summoned to Earth. This man, this human, wants you to pretend to be his girlfriend for a few days so his parents will get off his back about it.

[perpetuallynumb]

I had a great day. And yet I still feel like shit. My best friend was right. Just when will I ever not feel invisible? Actually I don't know as well HAHAHAHA my brain has accustomed itself to my presence being invisible and insignificant unless I'd have unfair amounts of attention and assurance that would make me think otherwise.

It's unfair and exhausting for people. I am fully aware of that. But it's been a habit that nurtured me for a couple of decades that I find it really hard to outgrow and fight my brain from not thinking of it. I know I'm exhausting. I know I've overstayed my welcome. I know I'm crossing too many boundaries. And I know I'm asking for too much. But how am I going to fix it? I've been seeking therapy for quite some time now. And sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been helping because whenever I'm with someone my rational side takes over. Like a defense mechanism protecting my pathetic self from being found out. "I acknowledge my lacking" "I am aware of my own problems" maybe to make people think that I am capable of actually taking care of it on my own.

When in reality I can't. When all rationality is gone. The first thing my brain dwells into is being loathsome and being pathetic as shit. Like reality hitting back at me exposing me of my fake strength that I got everything under control. It doesn't matter how aware I am from my own shit if I don't really know how to get out of the state of my current psychosis. I'm drunk right now and I'm not thinking of killing myself at the moment. But what about in the future? Will I always be plagued by this fear of insignificance? Of this insecurity that no matter how much I change, how much I improve. Nobody would ever actually love me? I sound embarrassingly pathetic right? Is this toxicity just bound to me until some impossible person out there will be the underlying factor of me thinking otherwise? How long will this keep up? How many more people am I going to drain just for the sake of this temporary catharsis of being liked? Being wanted? Being a priority? Being seeked for my very being? Why do I need such emotional investment? Was it because I'm lacking any sexual desire? That all of my desire goes to my desire to be understood? To be held? To be supported emotionally? That's so unfair!!! At this point I don't think any human would actually do that for me. Good thing for other people they just have sex and they'd feel content, they'd feel loved, desired, wanted. Why do I need something so grand even if I don't deserve it? Why do I keep yearning to be seen in the brightest light when I've been drowning in my own despair for most of my life?? So fucking pathetic. So fucking sadboi. I should just die to be fucking honest.

[sarahowritesostucky]

Hey, I hope you can do this one idea for me, and i know that you don't do underage content, so you can take the age approx 19 or perhaps 21.

This is not romantic but kinda spiritual? Idk mate it involves Sebastian and a reader with my life story

*inspired from my own life 🥹*

So there's this girl, constantly thinking to end her life, wanting to do suicide, did a suicidal attempt by choking herself.

And now she's decided to hang herself.

There isn't one specific reason for this, she is just tired of all the pressure she has to put up with, be it academic (cuz we Asian, and no not East Asian) be it trying to be better, be it society. She's tired of all this. She wants to be at the top, and even pressurizes herself to do better, and now she just can't take it.

Not to mention her health, ever since she was 7 years old she had been going to the doctors, getting blood tests and all. She can recall the kids getting scared of needles, but for her it was just a ritual. Finally when she gets cured, at the age of 11. A few later she gets another major chronic neurological problem. Life's taking a toll on her and she doesn't even know what she did wrong. Watching her parents' financial issues, had gotten bad (only for two-three years) she was sad that they had to put up with her medical bills and everything.

She had lost hope in getting cured (it's not a lifetime problem chill) but still ya know.

So one day when she was alone, she adjusted the rope to the fan, she was gonna die, then she saw something black and a blurred figure of a guy sleeping and the rope loosened causing her to fall, and the fan to fall down a few seconds later. She was given a second chance

ON THE OTHER HAND..... NOW THIS IS THE MAIN PART

Our Sebastian, was sleeping on his luxurious couch, when he saw a fan and a girl hanging there. He couldn't see her face because it was all black.

The moment he woke up from the nightmare, our reader also fell down and got saved from death.

(Just for clearance i didn't try to kill myself, apart from the choking shit)

Oh my gosh THANK YOU for such a detailed and nuanced fic request. I LOVE getting stuff like this in my inbox.

(I hope you are doing okay and if things ever seem dark my DMs are open 🤗)

I love the plot you thought of, but I hesitate to start another struggling girl fic (I've got All That Trauma™️ and more in poor Mary in Temporary Custody🙄). I'd encourage you to reach out to all the Seb/Bucky writers on Tumblr whose writing you enjoy. They might have more ideas or a headcanon built up for use in this fic.

Cheerfully,

Sarah

[diariesofapisces]

What Am I Looking For?

I feel like an empty pit today. I can't think of anything I can do to fill it. I have been thinking of him a lot lately. I have been using my fantasies about him to ease my pain of being alone. I especially use them to go to sleep and stay asleep. I just wanna sleep my weekend away. I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in a hot second. I don't really have food and I spent all my money. I feel so incredibly alone. That's why I think if I killed myself no one would really care. Sure they would be sad for a bit because that's what happens when you lose something. I don't really think in the long run they would care. That's the burden I carry around every day. My presence on this Earth doesn't truly mean anything to anyone. It is why people like him leave me. I am not on his radar and that alone doesn't hurt me it is just what it represents. It represents the fact that I am truly unlovable. People can tell me that's not true, but it's all around me. My friends don't know how to love me, my parents do know how to show their love, and no man or woman or anything in between wants to love me. No matter what I gain or experience I always feel like something is missing. I have an abundance of love I give to others but I don't receive it in return. Or attest I am completely blind to it. To get things you really want you have to work with you not what you missing. Maybe I need to develop the friendships I already have into the type of love I want. Also, how are supposed to say you have this empty void In your soul but only do destructive temporary things to fix it. Sitting and rotting your bed and your dirty room might numb the pain for a while but it won't fix anything. It won't fix the fact that the pain you went through with him reached a part of your soul you never knew you had. Removing him from the equation doesn't get rid of the emptiness because he was never the solution. Even in those seeming blissful moments where I felt like you filled a part of that void it never seemed right. I have to give myself credit and realize that I never learned how to cope with my emotions so of course I have this seemingly impossible problem. Give a girl weed and the idea of men and she'll eat for a day. Give her self-respect and self-love and she will eat for a lifetime. See this as a temporary lonely season until I figure everything out.

[songsteps]

okay I broke and read Sky in a day here are my general thoughts

Frostpaw my baby you really are The Only (tm) A Starless Clan protagonist... she's the only one I don't have any particular negative feelings towards and I'm genuinely interested in her storyline, also I love seeing how much it's highlighted that Mothwing is incredibly capable and responsible, like we all knew she was but, makes me happy that some attention seems to be brought to it :)

like man I know she would want to stay a med cat and she DESERVES WHAT SHE WANTS but tbh? I feel she'd make a good leader.... Mothstar

and I think that's all I really have to say that's good

god I hate Nightheart now, like my original interpretation of him in River that he might be good and was relatable was based upon the fact that he seemed a lot more genuinely insecure like thinking he has capabilities but fucking up because of an (irrational) focus on lineage and overthinking shit, and the thing he felt he deserved was more his own identity, which is fair, and I thought they might take a more complex route exploring that BUT NO, like, I feel like the things that get passed around the most that garner hate for him are probably just more shocking and yea could probably be explained away but it doesn't matter cause the biggest problem with him is instead of having like plausibly having a fight with self doubt and stuff like I viewed him in River he's constantly like "well I deserve RESPECT for HOW GREAT I AM and just no one can see that" like dude, shut up where are you getting the idea that you're so great, and I just, completely rescind all my previous opinions on him, even though my inital expectations of his character would've been better for a protagonist that wouldn't have made want to throw my phone at the wall while I read the book. Which I think was why I was much more inclined to interpret him that way initally but like, to anyone still attached to him there is no question at this point this isn't just a case of a young adult having an angst session this is a character thinking he deserves things that he hasn't earned like especially in the case of his warrior duties he has proven he doesn't deserve respect in that regard, outright blames Squirrelflight repeatedly, like it comes down to his self righteousness instead of self questioning you know? that's the thing that is the crux of his shittiness as a person and I understand wanting to cling to an inital interpretation of him being more complex but his ridiculously prominent self righteousness just kills any reasonable interpretation that requires anything but a complete overhaul of his personality. like, I like Crowfeather, I don't like or accept everything he does in canon but there's enough that is not stated to us and enough depth behind the intention of his character that allows some different interpretations of him as someone who can and does eventually choose change without entirely breaking from the story given to us, but god... NIGHTHEART IS NOT IN THAT BOAT

Sunbeam is... okay as a character I guess? I wasn't fond of how she treated Lightleap though I still guess it's an understandable temporary emotion, her taste in toms makes me a lil more hesitant to give her as much slack on that as I might otherwise, but her interactions with her mother Berryheart are interesting, though that is really the only interesting thing in this arc besides what's going on in RiverClan

these books still make me angry, but I do want to see what happens to RiverClan myself, though I can't quite theorize what exactly is going on yet. Berryheart and Sunbeam's conflict is interesting as well, I honestly can't give a shit about anything else like I have so little to say on the plot because I honestly feel like this book didn't really... feel like it added much more to the story

hey! I've got a good idea! only Frostpaw and... I guess Sunbeam (for her interactions w/ her mother) get a POV in the books after this one, Frostpaw gets more chapters though so we can focus on the only plot thread that is significantly interesting

I know it's not gonna happen but it'd make the rest of this arc so much more fucking bearable

[softlyella]

ASIDE FROM ASTRO PLACEMENTS.......

Let me answer this seriously because I want the novices to stay safe. Damn my protective nature, can't even troll in peace.

In all honesty, I may not be the best person to ask this, because I don't do plays, temporary partners, etc... I am not into flings, or hook ups as I hate the idea of temporary people touching me.

Listen, I love Love, and sex for me is an act of love. So, I don't really enjoy hookups, promiscuity, etc. I have absolutely no negative opinions of it, it is simply not for me. I'm an introvert. I value my space and peace. It takes a lot for me to let anyone into my life, my heart. I love deeply, and it takes me a lot to detach from someone i care about so I don’t get attached to just anyone. For those reasons I simply don't do temporary connections, or volatile.

I have 3 friends, which I've had for years; my bestie is a Scorpio, the others are a Pisces and an Aquarius. Signs that love hard and deep and don’t open easily lol. I don't entertain people whose heart doesn't align with mine, and have no problem ending a connection of any kind if I see signs of disloyalty, betrayal, etc. I am loyal, and committed, and I love myself very much. I don't allow in my space anyone who doesn't love me even more. This is why, I can only talk about relationships here.

So a BDSM partner I can give advice on is a person with whom you are in or about to be in a committed relationship with and want to have a different type of sex with, ranging from hardcore vanilla to hardcore kinks.

You want someone who is going to research the safest way to do things, your safety should be priority number one. Both for you but also for them. They should want to make sure not to harm you or push you too far. You want them to make sure they ask for consent, and reiterate your boundaries often, throughout the play, or sex.

There is nothing off putting about asking for consent verbally, it doesn't kill the vibe. It's easy, sexy, and helps relax the two of you into taking things even deeper.

The dominant partner gets reassured that their baby is feeling safe and comfortable, and wanting more and enjoying themselves, allowing them to embody their dominant side even further, and push the limit a little more. The submissive on the other hand is verbalising their desire, their need, and thus relaxing their own nervous system into sub space. Like "yes, we do want this, we do trust this person, let's switch off the fight-flight-freeze and plunge a little deeper". Let's relax further.

It's so important and I don't understand people who don't verbalise things throughout, talk their partner through it, keep them grounded into you with your words.

You want someone you feel safe saying no to, fuck off as well, knowing they won't flip on you and get aggressive. Some people have a temper, and get mad quickly. If you don't feel 100% safe telling someone you want to be submissive with, that they need to fuck off then don't even attempt any type of BDSM acts.

Why? In a moment of panic, being tied up, being manhandled, you could freak out and get into defense mode. Your defense mechanism could be slightly aggressive, therefore you need someone with a good head on their shoulder, but also someone who doesn't react to this kind of 'provocation'. Because it would make whatever triggered you, worse.

I am not saying you should be verbally abusive to your partners, do not twist my words. But that, should you ever do flip during a triggered moment, you know they're not the kind to loose their tempers immediately.

And, super important: AFTERCARE. I am ASTONISHED at the amount of people having rough sex and not practicing aftercare.

Are you all dating / fucking the same losers with 0 care or empathy?

I need you all to value yourself better and privilege masturbation over shitty sexual partners that don't value you.

No one’s dick/pussy/mouth/fingers are that good that it trumps you getting treated with respect and care.

I'd love your input: what do you think makes a good BDSM partner?

People with Mars-Uranus aspects, Lilith and/or Mars in 8H, Mars, Moon in Scorpio, Virgo Mars, Saturn ruled people, particularly Capricorn.

[doberbutts]

I may be stupid, but since you mentioned pregnant trans men being forced to detransition, does it mean they have to also socially detransition, undo their surgeries, or just pause hormones?

Like, does "change all your shit back" mean that trans dads are legally required to socially detransition? Like change their names back to their deadnames? I had no idea there was such a law, if so.

Some trans dads are maybe not legally required, but required for insurance reasons to socially and medically detransitions. There's no such thing as "undoing" surgeries that have already been done. You can get breast implants sure but that won't produce milk anymore so not really much point, and insurance almost never covers detransition. But most insurance companies will not pay for pregnancy medical care or for an abortion from someone with any gender marker except F, so that does mean that many trans mascs who find themselves pregnant without wanting to be are forced to legally detransition and change all of their paperwork back to what it was at birth. And in order to do that, they have to convince a therapist that they guessed wrong and that they didn't actually want to be anything but a cis woman, which means they have to socially detransition as well to get the therapist to believe them.

The effects of HRT on the body is also not exactly permanent. It takes a long time, multiple years, for any changes to stay if you do end up stopping hormones. A lot of trans guys that are pregnant against their will are not that far into their transitions, which means that if they stop their hormones and their ovaries start producing estrogen at normal levels again... especially at the levels required for healthy pregnancy... it'll undo a lot of the changes testosterone had on their bodies. I know that "pausing" testosterone for a year or two in order to have a healthy baby and breastfeed if possible sounds very temporary in the grand scheme of things, and maybe it is, but I know I'm not the only trans guy who would literally rather die than have that happen to me. If I couldn't abort I'd just kill myself. I'm not joking, this isn't a threat and I'm very happy with my current life don't worry, but if looking at a choice between "stop hormones for however long it takes to push this kid out and keep it fed until its weaned" and "not be alive anymore"... I'm picking the second one.

I've seen a lot of people comment like this on posts talking about how pregnancy makes trans guys detransition and I think part of the problem is people are confusing trans guys who deliberately pause hormones because they chose to have children with their working uteri, with trans guys who are forcibly impregnated and forced to stop or reverse their transitions. One of them is a wonderful celebration of life. The other is a nightmare scenario. Just because the outcome is the same doesn't mean the feelings are. It's about the consent.

And, honestly? It's not like pregnancy doesn't have long-lasting, even permanent effects on the body. Your body will not go back to what it was pre-pregnancy. You grew a whole human in there and then pushed it out, you will not be the same afterwards. Pregnancy has all manner of weird side effects on the body that can and do last for the entire rest of your life. It's... pretty normal, I think, to want to acknowledge that it's not as though you can just squeeze junior out of there and everything goes back to normal. That's not how pregnancy works.

[sofipitch]

I think for some of the people saying mocking things they're seeing the show from a very different direction and are A) truly baffled that some of the audience didn't see this coming and are B) bothered by the suggestion that the writers should change course.

They shouldn't be mocking anybody, that's no excuse.

It was a strong scene people are going to have strong reactions you gotta give people time to feel their emotions, rather than mock them for it and maybe try and share your perspective in a way that's helpful.

I think the reason the audience didn't see this coming had to do with earlier promises the showrunners made at SDCC or in the BTS that this show would be accurate to the books. A lot of people including myself have made posts about how that is not accurate at all. And with the change of both Louis and Claudia's race, along with the domestic violence and just Lestat not loving Claudia makes everything worse. Especially knowing how IWTV ends, Claudia dead and Louis alone and depressed. Like as a novel that is a result of Anne Rice's own experience with her daughter dying of cancer it makes sense, but what is the message of how they have adapted and changed the story? Because what it seems like is this idea/message that black people can't find love or happiness. We've also already seen Paul commit suicide and maybe Louis's mom and sister found some happiness but there was still a lot of pain there. And while Louis has Claudia right now, we know that is temporary.

I do think the writers changing course was unlikely and would have been in bad taste. But also Sam Reid has explicitly said that he thinks there will be a time the show does "his side of the story". In the books this kind of retconned the way Lestat was "evil" and made him more sympathetic. A lot of what made him "bad" came from misunderstandings and miscommunication. That obviously can't be the case in the show unless they want to go in a whole victim blaming route, which I am still afraid of. The actors have also said they see Louis and Lestat as "endgame" which again, with what we sawto me is deeply troubling, personally I don't want Lestat on the same continent as Louis.

Ultimately the journey Lestat goes on throught the books (mostly the trilogy but taken as a whole including the Prince Lestat books) is one of redemption. Lestat is a vampire who kills tons of ppl but ultimately strives to be good against his nature, which was thrust upon him. But beating the shit out of his husband is a choice and hard to see as redeemable. A lot of Hannibal fans have said they have no problem bc of what they have seen in Hannibal, but while I have not seen that show I'm assuming since it is the prequel to Silence of the Lambs it is not a story of redeption. So I think that is where the disconnect between show only and book fans is, book fans already had an expected story and characterization in mind and ep 1-4 seemed to align with that, but ep 5 took a drastic turn that seems to change the rest of the trajectory of the show/series they will be putting out.

I can understand if ppl have no problem watching a show about sadnness or when in later switches to Lestat's POV a story about a charismatic guy with no morals, it just wasn't what book fans expected or were promised

[weebsinstash]

Stay strong love ❣️

Thanks everyone 🥺 this whole thing was hella depressing and then I, you know, tell my mom how incredibly shitty her reaction was, basically victim blaming me when it didn't even apply, and she's gone and used that as an excuse to go to bed early when she knows she's my only transportation to this job which, I knew this was going to be a problem the second I found out this job isn't even bus accessible. Did I ever tell you guys that. That she kept badgering me to let her apply to jobs for me and I let her do it so she would just fucking leave me alone and she wound up applying to the wrong kind of job at the wrong location and later justified it as "well what if it was gone later?" Because in her idiot fucking brain the completely wrong thing you dont even want that's just going to stress you out more is OBVIOUSLY better than nothing at all/something you actually want. And she keeps saying "but we talked about this" when the greatest extent of those "talks" were me going "uh huh, yeah, sure, whatever" because she would be bringing this up almost every fucking single time she and I were in the same room

Remember kids, if someone personally wrongs you and blames you for something that isn't even your fault, you calling them out and being "too mean about it" OBVIOUSLY gives that person the right to ignore you and not have to apologize and never have to acknowledge how fucking manipulative and shitty they are!

This sort of fucking subtle "retaliation" has been happening my entire life. Even when she "helps" I am left with disappointment and anger and I'm never allowed to speak of it. My brand new job is a fucking seasonal position because she decided that was better than, I dunno, trying to contact the store and see if there was a reason certain normal positions weren't posted online, or call and see if we could apply in person, nope she just applied for a completely temporary fucking job where they may quite literally kick me out the door once a certain amount of time is up. Why the fuck wouldn't she wait to apply me to an actual permanant position. Why would she think that forcing her extremely critically depressed daughter into the wrong fucking job where all my efforts could completely go to waste and I could eventually be unemployed again through no fault of my own was a good idea.

But I mean. I'm not a good person either. I will very casually talk about killing myself all the time where she has become completely desensitized to it. The other day I became extremely emotional and started talking about how I needed to rehome my pets before I die and she's just like "no I can take care of your pets for you" which 1 not the point and 2 like BITCH YOU THINK I TRUST YOU? 🤣 I would literally kill them myself before I left them all alone under her incompetent ass

Anyways I have an overnight shift in an hour and I get to go wake her up and argue with her ass because I don't have enough money in my bank account to take a lyft 🥺 and its also like, taking a lyft this late at night on a Saturday would probably be extremely expensive. I feel so trapped with this woman

It's fucked up but. I knew that. Deep down. Part of the reason I kept talking to that guy. Was because. Part of me was hoping he was dangerous or something and that maybe I would be killed or harmed or something. And then I wouldn't have to deal with stuff like this anymore and hurting all the time