#i don't to exist because it's painful to be here

[sprites4ever]

If it's any relief, and that goes to all you assholes responding to my post: You've all managed to cause me extreme mental pain over the last few weeks, precisely because I keep thinking that you could have a point and that I could be a horrible person. I've been in "Fight for your life" mode uninterrupted for weeks now because of this. Yes, I have gone insane. No need to ask. Due to previous traumata collapsing on me, I have concluded that every second of existence is a fight to the death and that nothing but constant, open hostility towards everyone else can keep me alive.

Is it my fault that I've continued to engage with assholes I don't know, via a medium that prevents nuanced discourse? Yes.

Does that matter anymore? No.

Oh and just so this is clear: THIS IS NOT ME PLAYING THE VICTIM. I am not using any subtext here. I am stating this as a fact, and because it might make you happy to know that I am in pain.

Here's an Example as to why Donald Trump is fascist

Donald Trump wants Concealed Carry Reciprocity.

What is that?

In the United States, it is not automatically legal to carry a firearm in a concealed manner just because one has a firearms license. One needs to obtain a special additional permission to do so. Like most things in the United States, Concealed Carry is decided on a state-by-state basis, meaning a person's permission for Concealed Carry only applies in the state it in which it was issued.

Concealed Carry Reciprocity is the legal concept that a permission for Concealed Carry, issued in any state, applies in all states. So, if a gun owner was permitted to Concealed Carry in Oklahoma, he can currently only do so in Oklahoma. Doing it in any other state is a crime. Under Concealed Carry Reciprocity, it would not be.

What does Donald Trump intend with this?

Donald Trump knows that his most loyal followers live in deep red states, which also have the highest concentrations of gun owners. Due to the high concentrations and due to Republicans being generally against gun control, it is likelier that more gun owners in red states have Concealed Carry permission. Donald Trump wants to allow people to Concealed Carry in any state if they've received permission in one, because he knows that most people who will take advantage of this will be his most loyal followers.

Donald Trump plans to lay the groundwork for his version of Mussolini's Blackshirts and Hitler's Brownshirts, his own paramilitary force of loyal followers who are ready to attack and murder fellow citizens in open daylight for their political positions that oppose their idol. Concealed Carry Reciprocity makes it easier for them to do this.

This is fascism.

[1seaweedbrain1]

Shit thats happened recently as batfam pt. 1

Damian: *swooshes blanket around shoulders and wraps himself up in it*

Dick: You're like the worlds tiniest batman

-

Jason: I wore my Hot Topic sweater today and shit keeps falling up the sleeves and getting stuck. Really annoying when it's not on purpose

Jon: Why is the sweater a hot topic?

Jason: No I mean. I wear it to hot topic when I want new pins but still don't like how much the pins are

Jon: What does the sweater have to do with pins??

Damian: He doesn't get it let it go

Jason: They help me with my ah. special discount

Jon: What discount is about sweaters????

Damian: *laughing* This is painful he doesn't get it just stop

Jason: *wheeze* Oook

-

Dick: Oh and here's me by the sign that only exists bc I kept climbing out the window

*pic of him smiling next to a sign that says "do NOT open"*

Wally: Bros just always been climbing things

-

Duke: Can you do my chemistry work Tim?

Tim: Oh uh probably not I dropped my chem class bc my teacher was dying or something but I can try

Tim: He had liver failure maybe

-

Dick: cant even have a conversation about the lion king w/o ending up flirting w/ my friend smh

Jason: Whore

Dick: :((

-

Tim: actually *long info paragraph*

Tim: WAIG I FORGOY

Jason: too late

Tim: 👆🤓 erm actually

Jason: fucking nerd

Tim: DAMN IT FUCK

-

Tim: I just don't get why they gotta close the whole ass bathroom just because there's a dick drawn on the wall. This is a high school. Fork found in kitchen you feel me?

Teacher: I'm still not opening the bathroom for 1 student

Tim: I will piss right here just to make a point so help me god

Teacher: ...be fast

[elene78-blog]

I have the impression that Jean and Jeremy are going to go much faster than Andreil (not sexually).

They are already aware of their mutual attraction. During the Golden Raven they will be even more aware, and I think the Trojans will (friendly) make fun of it. Jean will feel uncomfortable, because although they both know it (and they know that the other knows it) there is an unspoken agreement about "just watching."

Jean doesn't want to try anything because he doesn't think he has anything to do (jeez, he's a Moreau, he has a bad reputation, a lifetime of debt, and criminal parents. Not to mention his obvious PTSD. He's already burned through all his luck cartridges. coming to USC, thank you).

Jeremy, curiously, believes something similar about himself. He has (insert dark secret here), his family hates his guts, and Jean is one of the kindest men he's ever met and absolutely extraordinary (Jeremy is only good at faking happiness, you're welcome). Furthermore, he is the captain of the team. He doesn't want Jean to confuse things for anything in the world.

Jean believes he will destroy Jeremy if he gets any closer to him.

Jeremy thinks Jean deserves the damn universe, and Jeremy has nothing to give him except more problems.

Even when Jeremy's secret is discovered, they will continue to think this way. Even though they look at each other continuously, even naked (a tacit agreement not to say anything, but their skin gets goosebumps when they know that the other is looking). Although they touch each other more and more affectionately, in constant contact.

The longing is unbearable between them, and when it's too obvious, they talk about it. They talk about it a lot. They touch each other a lot, like very precious treasures for each other. They look at each other all the time with painful excitement. Jeremy doesn't have eyes for anyone (or anything) else. For Jean, it's like Kevin and Renee are very far away (or like they never existed).

But they don't go any further until every pore of skin hurts for not having the other.

[alltimefail]

Happy second day of Character Appreciation Week to Charles Rowland, the best character I know. ❤️🏏

Thank you to Jayden Revri for handling Charles' story with so much love and care. I'm so grateful to him and to the writers for breathing life into this character who has made a special, significant positive impact on my life.

Transcript under the cut!

I've said it 100 times at this point, but I don't think I'll ever get over everything this character has given me. I've never felt so seen in my entire life.

I've cried with Charles and for Charles more times than I can count. I hold his story in my heart like a little flame and take it everywhere I go. I'm so glad that a character like him exists for all the kids waiting to escape their own unsafe homes. But also, frankly, I'm glad he exists for those of us who used to be those kids, too, because while you grow "Up," you don't grow "Out" of that pain. It's a unique form of grief that reorients and shows itself in different forms over time.

Charles is complex; he's traumatized, repressed, and angry, and Dead Boy Detectives never sugarcoats that. But Charles is not just his "Worst" parts; he's so much more than the sum of those insecurities. Charles is selfless, gentle, thoughtful, devoted, and genuinely, truly good. Despite what Charles went through, he chooses to do good at every single turn. His strength, humor, and charm endear me to no end, but the thing that really stood out to me the most?

Charles is LOVED, effortlessly, and he LOVES hard right back.

Charles took an unfair hand and made the best of it; then he turned his back on a cosmic heaven and chose a handmade one instead (and he doesn't even realize that the hands he fears are like his father's built that beautiful afterlife). His story reminds me, even at my big age, that we are not the shame we carry. We're not the pain inflicted without our permission…

We're not bad. The things that happened to us were bad, but we are not bad.

In watching Charles heal and have the space to hurt, I have started to heal a little bit, too. In a roundabout way, working through Charles' story and having grace for him led me to have a little more grace for the younger version of myself (and the one navigating the world today, too).

That's a gift I'll never take for granted. I'm so grateful to Jayden for his care for Charles, and to the writers who made his story so beautiful, nuanced, and touching. So today and every day, here's to Charles Rowland…the best character I know. ❤️

[puppiesinbeacon]

Teen Wolf Fic Rec List

I've never done this before, but I've been on quite the binge recently and feel that if anyone is as picky as I am, then maybe I could help out and share the ones I have so meticulously curated for myself. So here goes:

In My Blood by lolo313 - "Scott is hurt while rescuing Stiles from the Monster of the Week. But when a seemingly innocuous injury awakens long dormant feelings and threatens Scott's very existence, Stiles must decide how far he is willing to go to save his best friend's life." Scott/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/9571406

Every Step You Take by Nokomis - "Stiles accidentally ends up magically bound to Derek. It’s super." Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/454948/chapters/781487

Patterns Of Intention by drunktuesdays - "Derek looked like the stuff of his deepest fantasies. His shirt was rumpled where Stiles had his hands in it, and he was breathing hard as well, chest heaving. His eyes—his eyes were glazed over and he looked stunned, like he’d been—like Stiles had— “No,” Stiles said, blood draining from his face. The word was croaky and felt like it had to be wrenched out of his chest. “God, no.” " Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/699898

Apparent Lack Of Ceremony by Loz - "Scott keeps climbing into Stiles' bed at night to cuddle. They don't talk about it in the morning." Scott/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/518799

Sleeping Dogs by starsystems - "Let sleeping dogs lie. Prov. Do not instigate trouble; Leave something alone if it might cause trouble. Derek Hale is asleep in Stiles's bed. And it just escalates from there. Because of course it does." Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/494729/chapters/865537

I Want To Say All Those Things That Would Be Better Unsaid by aeneapsych - "Derek is a lonely professor who decides to call a phone sex line. Stiles is a poor grad student who needs to make a living somehow. 'One night stands were never this good. Hell, his previous relationships were never this good. Derek was so screwed, but right now he didn't care.' " Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183688

The Love You Save (May Be Your Own) by Nokomis - "Everyone falls magically in love with Stiles. Well, except for Derek, who is suspiciously immune." Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/960052

Human Contact by bloodwrites - "Stiles can't take the pain away, but the skin-to-skin contact helps. It calms Derek, stops him from using all his energy in the instinctive fight or flight response that his injury causes. "It's working, just—" He takes Stiles' arm by the wrist, pulls it over his chest, then tips Stiles' head onto his shoulder so he can feel Stiles' breath on his skin. "Yeah. That's good."" Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136325

Numbness by PineWitch - "Stiles and Derek have been feeling atraction for each other for some time (basically since the beginning), but instead of talking about it, they argue. A lot. But then Stiles goes through a hard time, and Derek helps him. Everything just becomes softer after that." Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/44344210/chapters/111521128

Speak Of All That's Been And All That Won't by Daisyapples - "Stiles stood in front of him; eyes wild, fists clenched, shoulders tense, but still. The stillness was what made Derek's hackles raise. Stiles was never still. "Stiles?" "Stuck in a time loop. Know where Erica and Boyd are. Need help saving them. Cora is alive and we need to save her too."" Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/56495686/chapters/143572942

Nowhere Else But Here by p1013 - "Derek’s naked, his back glistening with sweat. The muscles roll, his whole body moving like a wave as his hips snap forward. The sound of flesh hitting flesh is loud, and the moan that follows has Stiles’ throat closing. There’s a split second where Stiles can almost convince himself that Derek doesn’t know he’s there, but then that dark head turns his way and green eyes meet his, pupils blown. He almost drops the package. Instead, he sets it unsteadily by his feet and flees." Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/742335/chapters/1382626

I Wanna Reach So Deep Inside by silverdawn89 - "Isaac's got a dirty mouth. Scott is surprisingly receptive to that. Shameless PWP, not even gonna front." Scott/Isaac https://archiveofourown.org/works/579711

Come Fly With Me (Or Don't) by stilinskisparkles - "Stiles is overworked and stressed out when his flight home gets delayed due to copious amounts of snow. He finds entertainment with one Derek Hale, whom he hasn't seen since high school but really doesn't mind getting reacquainted with. Especially when it turns out Derek is surprisingly hilarious and will reluctantly play snap with him. And can walk on his hands." Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/609537

Warm Shadows by stilinskisparkles - "“Fine,” Stiles spits back, “We’ll die together, it’ll be dandy.” “I’m looking forward to it,” Derek snaps, “I’ll get some peace and quiet for once.” Stiles grins suddenly, blindingly. There’s blood on his teeth, and his eyes are dark and desperate as he looks up at Derek, but he’s never looked more stupidly, infuriatingly beautiful." Derek/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/works/2361611

I'll also leave this honorable mention. A Teen Wolf/Supernatural crossover that I've been reading for years, that just put out a new chapter in December 2024.

No One Chooses This Life by lapsus_calami - "Stiles wasn't running from his problems. Except he kind of was, but at least he was being productive while doing it. He gave himself one year. One year away from Beacon Hills, away from the pack, away from his dad. One year to get himself pulled together, to stop spiraling into panic attacks, to stop falling into pits of despair, to stop screaming himself awake every night. One year to learn everything he could about his spark, about hunting, about the supernatural. One year so that when he went back maybe, just maybe, he could do more good than harm." Mild Dean/Stiles https://archiveofourown.org/series/240129

[gutsondisplay]

I think most TransHarmful people don't get "too" violent or put more pressure actually HAS a reason

If you weren't there back then, DIRECTLY after TransHarm was coined, there was a huge discourse around if it should be accepted or not, and a lot of people saw it as really bad (insert "this is why antis hate us!" Etc here)

Those who were transharmful had to chip and trim themselves so they "weren't ACTUALLY harmful!!", a large percent even going back at each other for being any modicum of appearing bad

It was seen as safe to be edgy, but never bad. and while maybe ironic to a lot of you who aren't specifically TransHarmful, but we feared being pushed out of our own community! And we really were back then!

Transharmfuls had to figure out how to not be seen as evil despite wanting to be like that, most had to water down themselves so they could be accepted, becoming the most passive and explainable identity we used to tell people who hated us

But no one ever let us know it was okay to be mean again, and it kinda seemed like when we *were* mean, it would hurt us in return

Cause when conabuse was made into a thing, people went out of their way AGAIN to tell TransHarmful people that they didn't belong! And that they were horrible in ways we didn't want to be seen as!

Cause idk if you know this, but there's a trans part of TransHarmful! Most of us didn't exactly have experience hurting others! Not in these kinds of ways!

And I think it's really REALLY fucking understated how much harm (ikik teehee) discourse around conabuse did to transharm people on both sides

Those who thought they had a connection they could have and use to get euphoria, now one side was really questioning if it was okay, was it even consent? Rethinking if someone's yes to you was actually a yes

If you have not had to second guess someone being honest with you about consent or boundaries before, you have no idea how bad that spiral can be

You could possibly lose all trust in that person being truthful about you being able to do whatever you agreed on, maybe even anyone to be truthful about those things, and if you go down enough you could possibly lose that for a fucking while to forever

And let's not forget the transharmed people here either!

Having people constantly going against you and saying your consent didn't matter because "that's not something you can consent to!" Is fucking horrible! People who talk like their "helping" you are taking away your consent more than someone you told was okay to do that to you

Parts get to you that it doesn't really matter what you actually say to them, maybe a lot of people, why didn't it matter what you said? Because it was something they wouldn't personally like?

If falls victim to the tactic used against all those who use transIDs that have perceived benefit ironically enough

People saying things like "you don't have to do this!", "you don't need to go through this to feel like you have enough pain to be a victim!", "I'll get you out of that!", "someone told you something wrong"

Etc etc. all just saying you don't get a choice because you want something "bad"

It'd be wonderful if it didn't get in the way

And now

Both sides of transharm don't exactly know how to exist, maybe they don't know this happened, maybe they don't know they can do more

But we should help them do what they want to do if they want help

I know there's some transharmfuls who really wanna go all out, go for it babe <3

[winesvein]

Sunlight spills into the room-- everything becomes golden, illuminated raw honey. Baba says I was named with this radiance in mind, with this sweetness in thought. I do not know that I am as radiant or honeyed as my true name promises. Instead I am built strong, resilient, like the honeycomb. Instead my blood runs hot, molten, like the sun. I am not anything my forebears thought I should be and I am still fighting to simply be me.

—Kali

[chiropteracupola]

so my planned Term End Reward was going to be downloading another biggles (you wouldn't download a biggles &c &c) but have just realized I could do latin american revolutions lockdown with the happy return / beat to quarters & sharpe's devil & crucible of gold.

[pained grimace] I'm Going To Have Such Fun.

[lightbulb-warning]

so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently

[lohstandfound]

I want to write something but I can't quite decide on any good ideas for the things I want to right. So here's some things from the squip horror au

Jake Jason has been having weird dreams and memories that are surely not his own... right? Ever since meeting the blonde guy at a party...

#1

I met this guy. Briefly, might I add. He’s close with one of the cast members. Christine’s friend, I believe. Dirty blonde hair that gets in the way of his eyes. I couldn’t tell what colour his eyes were. Maybe brown? It was dark. It was a party with the cast and friends. I managed to slip away from my management team for a while and that’s when I met him. He had purple in his hair. There was just something about him. Like I’ve seen him before? I haven’t. I didn’t even catch his name. I would like to see him again.

#4

I’m having nightmares. Every night seems to be a loop or continuation. A fire. And I’m always running through the fire and it’s like I can feel the flames. And I’m always looking for a blonde boy with red in his hair. He’s holding the matches. Sometimes I reach him, sometimes I don’t. It feels all too real.

#9

I don’t know why I keep track of these. These dreams just seem too real. And Rich is in all of them.

#10

Since when did I know his name is Rich?

#19

Who the fuck are you? What the fuck is this?

#20

I don’t remember that last note. I don’t think I remember anything from last night.

[starpros-sunshine]

Sometimes I wonder why cold symptoms always get worse in the evenings there has to be a logical explanation for that

[skrunksthatwunk]

"i'm not disabled" followed immediately by "i've got bad knees and a bad back" is certainly something to read 🤨 you know it doesn't have to be cripling for it to count, right...? it's not normal to be in pain after 15 minutes of standing. ableds can stand for, like, an hour at a time before they need to sit.

i know! i appreciate the concern, but i uh. dunno lol. genuinely i don't know. but i included the afaik ("i'm not disabled afaik" was the original phrase, though i'm not like mad at you for excluding it or anything) because i'm well aware that it's a possibility. it's hard to explain but there's a lot of little things that don't add up to much but are like. noticeable. like i would prefer to do most things sitting, if i could, as a matter of comfort. it would be easier for me. and walking isn't as bad as just standing. i've never been great at taking care of my body, and this has only gotten worse with time. it's hard for me to know what i should read as necessity and what i should read as preference, and how much weight to put on said preferences. like you said, i know it doesn't need to be "if i don't sit down i'm going to collapse" or anything, but where to draw that line between Definitely A Medical Thing That Affects Me More Than Other People and.. not that, i'm not sure. i kinda just thought i was a persistently slightly tired and low energy person, but it doesn't seem bad enough to be chronic fatigue, so...? is it related to the half-diagnosed. idk it's complicated depression (and yes in hindsight i probably should've counted that as disabling but whatever)? idk it's not a rabbit hole i've explored much at all is my point. but i know it's there and uh i guess this was sort of validating in a way anon so.. yeah? yeah👍

[anarcho-masochist]

Okay, I thought this was universal but maybe my last three therapists were right that it is not:

Is it normal for boredom to be truly unbearable?

As in, worse than anything else, would rather get eviscerated while fully conscious, will do anything to escape it which might actually include suicide if no satisfactory options are available?

[mydr3aminvi0let]

i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that

[feferipeixes]

vent

[blu-engineer]

weird trains of thought at 5/6 am