#i don't think most people here even give a fuck about whether he's suicidal it's just i know those tags might read like

[crimeronan]

i should probably clarify for the sake of being sensitive re my tags on the vid i just reblogged: some people do in fact get sad enough to kill themselves when they get caught doing bad things. i could be wrong in my assumption that somerton absolutely did not do that. i also don't really care whether he did or not because it's so unbelievably tacky to open an apology with "i don't want to make this a sob story, i was just so sad i tried to kill myself and everyone who has a parasocial relationship with me needs to feel bad/guilty/worried on my behalf, and everyone who doesn't have a parasocial relationship with me needs to feel bad/guilty/worried if they wanted to hold me accountable for anything. but i'm so sorry for making this a sob story! it's not like this is a prerecorded video that i have full editing control of or anything"

like.... i don't care if you actually were in the hospital or not. you chose to open your apology video with the most blatant and pathetic kind of emotional manipulation possible & i don't care for it. it's literally no one's problem except yours and your loved ones' if you were in the hospital. it's no one else's responsibility. certainly not the responsibility of the people you wronged.

people doing this shit brings out my lowest-empathy tendencies because it gets to my high-empathy friends and i've known too many people held hostage by their partners/friends/parents threatening suicide over the years, so whenever i see people being like "oh, he really does seem upset, though" i'm like.

listen. i know he looks sad in the video. i know he's saying he wants to be dead.

You Don't Have To Fuckin' Believe Him.

[strawberryshortcake0413]

Last hope (part 2)

Characters:yandere Leon S Kennedy (older version) x reader

Disclaimer: This fanfic contains dark-themed topics, such as kidnapping, depression, suicidal thoughts, non-consent, unwanted pregnancy,etc

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. MDNI

Warning: yandere Leon Kennedy, kidnapping, non-consent, depressed reader, manipulation, Stockholm syndrome, unwanted pregnancy, emotional & mental abuse, out of character leon, smut etc

@ianrkives credits for the divider, thank you!

The pictures used does not belong to me!!!

Chapters: pt1 pt3 pt4

4 months. That's how long Leon kept you in his hell of a house. From being the freest soul on earth, doing whatever you wanted to be kept in a single room with nothing but a bed, and a window.

You learned one or two things about him during the months of “rest” as he says. If you willingly participate in his role-playing scenario, he lets you roam around the house freely with him as a tour guide.

The deep dark circle below your eyes was slowly turning to the same color your cheeks were. During the day you didn't have to feel like a failure, like you always did, whether it was in school, university, or work.

You hated to admit it, but his house seemed like an escape from your busy life. Even if most people would either pity you or see an opportunity to step on you like killing an insect after learning of your past, something about it seemed familiar. Almost as if you wanted to go back to your old life before Leon kidnapped you. Your old life was the escape from your current situation

“Fine,” you thought just before your consciousness went back to remember your accomplishments in life. You're not the kind of person who lies to themselves. You had a pretty hard life. Especially your childhood, which gave you an unhealable wound that would last a lifetime.

Now thinking, it was a silly dream of you to think you would be a famous singer. You sang well, maybe when you were 10, you had to toughen up for the harsh life.

But seriously. How many people become surgeons from a girl who had nothing but a public school education? Do people think it was easy to get a full-ride scholarship? Maybe to some rich kids with ties. But even with words, no one could explain the pain you went through to get here. Just for a random old guy to steal everything you had, just like your mom.

“Oh. Her?” You chuckled to yourself causing Leon to turn in your direction while he typed something on his computer.

She stole you from a good childhood, your first boyfriend, and almost your only chance of escaping her, scholarship. The bitch tried to hide your letters from you, lucky you to have a mother like this. Fortunately, you found them under her bed while she was passed out on the couch 2 days before the due date to respond. And to even think about the time you caught her sleeping with your first boyfriend.

Hope both of them are burning in hell.

All of this suffering, even your mother's failure in becoming a parent could have ended with a simple procedure. But no. Your mom decided to keep a baby she knew she couldn't love and take care of. Hell. You don't even know who your dad was. Or what he looked like.

“What are you smiling at? Baby” Leon came to interrupt your bitter thoughts, pushing back your hair behind the ear.

You stared at him like a beaten cat. Leon was proud of how far you came. From cursing and yelling every second to being calm around him was a big deal to the man.

“You're a happy baby? Is it me? Am I making you happy?” Leon smiled, giving you showers of kisses on your neck, lips, and cheek.

“Yeah,” you replied sarcastically, going back to thinking about yourself.

“Aw, don't be like that. You know daddy does everything to make you happy” Leon said, laying you on the bed, starting to kiss your neck again.

Leon's smile turned to a grin as he saw his angel giggling happily. He slowly crept his hand under your shirt, squeezing a breast in one hand while the other worked to cup your cunt.

“Fuck. What-” you started, the zoning out session interrupted again. As his tongue entered your mouth, you kissed him back out of the habit you developed for the last few months.

“Shh. Daddy got you” he said, pulling away to throw off his shirt before doing the same to yours. His breath hitched as he took in the scene before him. Your two perky nipples reveal themselves to his hungry eyes. He took one in his wet mouth causing you to breathe out heavily.

“Leon-”

He pulled away quickly, raising his eyebrow at you.

“Who?” He muttered. His dear dove rolled her eyes and whispered a nickname he gave himself.

“Louder baby. Daddys can't hear you when you talk like a mouse” he chuckled.

“How much do you want to humiliate me??” You yelled out in weeks for the first time. Leon signed as he realized he had to come to reality to face the truth. The blonde wanted so badly to believe his darling stopped this phase of rage.

“Baby, if you keep acting like a spoiled brat, I would have no choice but to spank you. I know how much you hate it” Leon says calmly.

You thought about the situation for a few seconds before deciding getting spanked was more humiliating.

“Daddy,” you said silently before hiding your face in the pillow.

Leon turned you around and started pulling down the shorts you wore along with your cotton underwear.

Just get it over with.

Leon immediately started to slurp at your cunt before gently biting your clit.

“You were a bad girl today. You know how bad girls get it right?” he says as he pulls down his jeans. Leon groaned as his hard cock slammed against his belly. “Open your eyes, baby,” he says as he lays on top of you.

You hesitantly opened one of your eyes before doing the same to the other, not wanting to get Leon angry.

Around 2 months ago, he slapped you so hard you felt sore in your mouth for 2 days. At the time you felt good causing him pain, even if you got the price. Unfortunately, the price was learning to never bite his dick, or you get slapped across the cheek so hard you fall on the floor.

As you popped your pretty eyes to him, he lined his cock to your entrance, guiding it up and down. The simulation makes both of the pair groan. Leon smirked as he felt slick forming around his dick, making slick sounds.

“No fingering since you were a bad girl. And what bad girls get?” Leon groaned as his tip twitched.

“No prep” you gasped as he pushed it all in one push. Your hands on his chest tried to push him back, causing Leon to lock your hands above your head.

Leon soon started moving, at a pace he felt pleasure. Today was not about you, you needed to learn your lesson. His dove wriggled while moaning.

“Feels good doesn't it? You just gotta ask daddy” Leon groaned as your legs wrapped around his torso.

“D-Daddy…” you whined as he rubbed your clit furiously. The man groaned loudly as you clenched around him, almost making him see stars.

Leon increased his thrusts as his dove started to moan louder than before. Clenching like your life depended on it.

“Daddy… i-im I'm gonna c-cummm” you whined before gushing all over Leon's dick.

“Bad girl. Who allowed you to finish?” he barked, slapping your clit causing you to squirt. He groaned in satisfaction, the feeling of your come with the whine that came out of you, popping the pressure in his lower belly.

You could feel the warm, liquid seeds flowing inside you.

For the past few hours, you figured the nostalgia you had in mind is not the one most people think it is. You were so used to getting shitty treatments, you started treating yourself like shit. You can't even think of a nice memory without someone stabbing your back.

“Dove, the breakfast is ready. Daddy made you your favorite.” Leon grinned as he placed a plate with some salad and yogurt.

He affectionately stroked your tears-stained cheeks. You sat on the chair, if anyone saw you, they would have thought you didn't have a spine.

You gave up. It was your last breakdown. You promised yourself, that no matter what happens, you are going to go back into your life. Even if it was shitty. You can change the coming events to go back. The future. It was your last hope. For yourself.

But again, it wasn't even clear if you would make it out alive. It was either you kill yourself or giving in to his dreams. If Leon manages to get you to obey his wishes, you will lose yourself. The only thing that you have, your achievements. You loved your career too much to end it like this. All those sufferings can not be meaningless like this. If you have to give up, you should at least try to be free.

Leon noticed the change of attitude you had, from barking at his face or ignoring him completely, you were being a good girl. Helping him clean up the house, letting him kiss you without resistance, and following his rules.

“Daddy… can I… have orange juice…” you muttered, trying not to be embarrassed. Leon's smile grew upon hearing you correctly address him. He pats your head gently before kissing your temple.

Pouring some natural juice he chose at the store in the plastic cup so that his dove can't harm anyone in the process of dining.

You took the cup and sipped the juice as Leon stared at you. Maybe it was time to get to know him more. At least who he was.

“Daddy… Can I ask you something?” You mumbled silently. Leon raised his eyebrows in response. What possibly could his angel be asking him about?

“Yeah… What is it?” Leon asked cautiously, he can't let you know unnecessary details of this evil world filled with a bunch of monsters.

“Um… I… what… what do you… like?” You muttered. You thought getting to know him was easy, asking a few questions and done. Your pathway to freedom, aka your life. It was stupid to ask about his personal life all of a sudden after you didn't give a single shit about him for more than 4 months.

Leon narrowed his eyes, the question was fine but the way you worded it seemed suspicious to him.

“What do I like? About what baby?” Leon asked as he turned his back to you while cleaning the counter as an excuse.

“Um… just what you like to do,” you said while sipping your juice. Why were you so awkward? The real you didn't hesitate to say shit in front of anyone about them. But now you were scared of what he would think of you.

“I love taking care of you, love. Now sleep. It's your bedtime” he smiled as his fingers tapped on his watch indicating 9 pm.

[calciumcryptid]

Apparently, people liked my demiromantic Vegas and demisexual Pete headcanon making VegasPete a demiromantic for a demisexual couple (which is the best dynamic), so here is a long winded version of what I think that would look like.

First, for those who don't know, demiromantic is an aromantic spectrum term that describes people who do not experience romantic attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection or bond with someone. Demisexual is an asexual spectrum term that describe people who do not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection or bond with someone.

My source for Vegas being demiromantic and Pete being demisexual is me, a demiromantic and demisexual who kept pointed at the screen every-time Vegas and Pete showed up and opened their mouths like that one reaction image.

Without a further ado I present-

DEMIROMANTIC VEGAS

Vegas grows up viewing romantic relationships like high risk high reward business transactions, not realizing there are supposed to be feelings and emotions attached to it.

(Now, I'm not saying that when Vegas got to the arranged marriage section of his historical textbook he agreed with it, but I am definitely saying Tankhun and Kinn were horrified Vegas was vaguely chill with the concept.)

In his defense, he wasn't raised around the healthiest relationships with his mother committing suicide and his aunts gone, so there was no one around to showcase a healthy romantic relationship and maybe clue him into the genuine emotion behind it.

This next part might get controversial, but I believe Vegas' silver tongue is greatly exaggerated. My evidence is the way Porsche and Pete cringe every time Vegas flirts with them. While I have no doubt Vegas is charismatic, I do think his looks and his wealth are doing a lot of heavy lifting.

To get even more controversial, while I know the intention of his love bombing is to showcase he is toxic, I can't help but interpret it a little as him using pattern recognition.

The most glaringly obvious example of this is when Vegas proposes to Tawan, then gets surprised when Tawan thinks it gives him the okay to change Vegas' plans. It is almost like Vegas doesn't realize the deeper emotion and symbolism behind an engagement ring other than it being the next step in a relationship.

Vegas is good at going through the motions without ever making the genuine connections even when there are glaringly genuine connections he can make.

(Hello our favorite frenemies, Vegas and Porsche who definitely developed a genuine friendship post-canon, fuck you, because they had so much they could have bonded over even though I don't believe they would have worked out in a long-term romantic relationship thanks to being fundamentally different people. Now I am sure there is something about demiplatonic in here, but I don't know enough to call that beyond Vegas seeming confused at the idea of simply having a friendship with Porsche without any side sexual benefits.)

The final but of set-up here is the fact Vegas only positive relationship (before Pete, of course) is Macau, but, obviously, Vegas isn't going to view Macau in a romantic light. Even disregarding that last little fact, it is a well-known thing among the aroace spectrums that you latch harder onto platonic and familial bonds when you don't need a romantic bond.

Alright, onto the VegasPete of it all.

*twirls my phantom hair because my head is shaved* So, there is this section of the narrative that perfectly encapsulates the deminess of the VegasPete relationship because the setting demands they forge an emotional bond and create an emotional connection.

When I am looking at whether a character is demi, I am looking for a clear shift of when their relationship with a character turns from its previous stage to romantic. I affectionately call this a marker, the place that marks the shift.

For example, if you don't mind a little side tangent, there is another Boys Love character I interpret heavily as demiromantic. His name is Q, he is from the GMMTV series We Are, and his marker is a pencil box given to him by his deceased grandfather, an important familial bond in Q's life who passed away prior to the series and it's story.

The reason I know the pencil box is the marker is because Toey, Q's love interest, finds it and that is what kick-starts their relationship and their emotional connection which continues over the course of the series. Including, sticking post-it notes on the back of an art piece Q has created (since art is like Q's thing).

Vegas' thing is torture, so he tortures Pete until his father comes in to slap Vegas around. At the end, Vegas takes Pete with him to the safehouse Vegas has been blacklisted to.

This is the perfect set-up for a demi for demi relationship because isolation is considered the most inhumane thing you can do to a person, and when it is two people in isolation (and a hedgehog, can't forget our strongest soldier Khun Spikes) those two people have to rely on each other to not go mental or more mental.

The impending loneliness can be felt when Vegas realizes he might cause Pete to die and then he would be truly isolated in the safehouse, so Vegas nurses Pete back to health which causes Pete to be so delirious on drugs and pain he reveals VegasPete's marker.

To put it simply, the moment VegasPete's relationship shifts from captive and hostage into prospective love interests is when Pete tells Vegas he is a victim of child abuse at the hand of his own father. The two form their deeper emotional connection over being abuse victims, and their bond deepens when Pete point-blank tells Vegas victory won't make his father stop hitting him because abuse isn't about them it is about the abuser feeling more powerful.

The shift is felt because later you see Vegas bantering with Pete over a book, feeding him multiple times, and, of course, sleeping with him which LEADS US INTO THE SEX SCENE-

Now, this would be better with pictures but I am not in a space where I can acquire those so you are going to have to bear with me.

Say what you want about Be On Cloud, but they understand sex scenes don't have to be pointless smut (outside of the smut book genre) and can serve as a narrative tool. Many people have already made jokes about the most vanilla sex scene being in the actual dungeon, but it isn't a completely vanilla scene because Pete ends up back in the chains and hands Vegas rope. However, the sex scene isn't the actual point of this point it is the build up to it.

After they bury our strongest soldier Khun Spikes, Vegas and Pete are on the dungeon bed where they are having another quiet moment, furthering that emotional bond, but Vegas hasn't realized he has romantic feelings for Pete yet. He knows he has feelings, but he has never felt these types of feelings before so he can't place them. You can see the evolution of this realization with the buildup to the VegasPete sex scene, where Vegas is content with Pete, then freaking out about the feelings, then defaulting to what he knows (sex), then goading Pete into giving him explicit consent.

The moment Vegas realizes what he feels is romantic? Come on, you know it, it is when Pete is holding a knife to his throat while Vegas is pleading with Pete to not leave him. If I remember correctly, Vegas flat out says he needs Pete in a vulnerability never seen before like you can see Vegas' heart being ripped out.

Afterwards, Vegas is a mess. He is moping in the little dungeon he has, staring at rice, and then he is anxious to see Pete again making it his sole demand in his agreement with Porsche. The alleyway scene. The motorcycle escape where he sees Pete coming and retreats rather than fights. The way he took blow after blow from Pete and confessed his love.

Simply put, this is a man's first experience with the severity of romantic feelings.

After all of that, Pete resigns and goes with Vegas and the pure glee Vegas has before the shots ring out and the way he promises to treat Pete well in the hospital is a lot.

Now that I have rambled all about how Vegas is totally demiromantic, here is how I think he figured it out and how that reveal shook a lot of the perceptions about him!

As I said in my previous post, Vegas doesn't learn he is demiromantic until, like, five years post-canon when everyone can be on reasonably good terms and he can be at a get together with the rest of the cast.

(The reason I say this is because for anyone to clock Vegas as demiromantic and inform him about it, Vegas must be delirious enough to let information about himself and his relationship with Pete to slip.)

In this scenario, Vegas is definitely tipsy and more loose lipped and Tankhun and Kinn zero in on it like hawks because free blackmail material on Vegas that isn't the whole coup thing. At first, it is like pulling teeth until they get on the topic of Vegas' relationship with Pete.

What happens is Vegas starts on a very drunken rant about how bullshit romance and love is, but not with Pete because Pete is different. Anyways, romance has caused him nothing but pain and suffering, not Pete though because Pete is different. Anyways, how the fuck did Kinn tolerate Tawan and Porsche enough to want to marry them because there was no reward high enough to match that risk, and why didn't Kinn go after Pete because Pete is different. Anyways, even if there was no reward to being with Pete Vegas would take that high risk again and again because Pete is different.

The more Vegas goes on the clearer it is to everyone Vegas' views on romance goes beyond regular concerning mafia-centric views to more why is this man using business terms to describe romantic relationships?

It ends with Kinn asking if the reason Vegas hasn't put a ring on Pete's finger (despite them probably having Venice at this point, so definitely parents) is because he finds traditionally romantic gestures repulsive to which Vegas, deeply offended, responds.

Vegas: Why would I propose to Pete? I'm not trying to manipulate him.

Pete: ...Thanks?

Porsche, bewildered: What do you mean?

Vegas: I mean, getting to the engagement ring stage was never worth the hassle because people thought it gave them the right to do things I would never permit.

Macau, way too invested and hasn't stopped recording: Hey, Hia, what do you think an engagement ring represents?

Vegas: You know, it is when the transaction is almost permanent but isn't.

Porchay: ...The engagement ring purchase?

Vegas: No, the romantic one.

Tankhun: Romance is not a transaction!

Vegas: Yes it is!

Pete:

Vegas: Except Pete. Pete is different.

Porchay, starting to pull out his phone and make a search: How is Pete different from the others?

Vegas: I feel things.

Kinn: Did you not feel things with Porsche?

Vegas: No.

Kim: Did you not feel things with Tawan?

Vegas: No, was I supposed to?

The worst part about that night is how genuine Vegas sounded about everything. Of course, Vegas wakes up hungover the next day and Pete is suspiciously quiet and looking at him but won't tell Vegas anything besides a lot of things about their relationship makes sense now.

Porchay is the first one to visit Vegas after that night and teams up with Macau to make a presentation about why Vegas might be demiromantic and why that is fine but also he has a lot of reevaluating and (potentially) apologizing to do-

It is a very eye-opening presentation, but what do you mean when Vegas was fucking around with whoever Kinn was romantically into at the time Kinn felt the same way towards that person the way Vegas feels about Pete?

Vegas: I get why you didn't kill Tawan now.

Kinn: Uh-huh.

Vegas: I mean, I couldn't figure out how you could stand him. I still can't figure out how you can stand Porsche, but at least he has redeeming assets. Tawan wasn't even good-looking-

Kinn, blood vein pulsing: Uh-huh.

It takes Kinn and Tankhun a while to rationalize one of the reasons Vegas was like that was because he didn't understand. Unfortunately for Vegas, this means Tankhun has dragged him in for a romance movie marathon since Vegas might finally understand which Pete has no interest in saving him from. Surprisingly, Vegas gets into the romantic dramas genre and becomes Tankhun's new discussion buddy.

With all of the demiromantic reveals, Pete asks if this means him and Vegas can get married since Vegas now knows what engagement ring actually means and symbolizes and Vegas confesses they have been legally married for years he just never told Pete because he didn't want to think he was manipulating him.

Pete: Wait, but if you thought romance was a business transaction why did you get us legally married?

Vegas: I didn't want you to be able to return me.

Pete: ...I am choosing to find that sweet instead of another indicator we need therapy.

DEMIROMANTIC PETE

What? You thought we were done? Ha.

Fortunately, demisexual Pete is less of an essay because Pete's whole deal is he is more comfortable with violence than intimacy. Genuinely, almost every scene he has in KinnPorsche the Series supports this in one way or another such as the iconic scene of him pummeling Vegas before kissing him.

The only way this intersects with canon is Pete is in a different page as Vegas at points throughout the story.

I believe Vegas fell first but Pete fell harder. Since Pete, for this thought experiment, isn't on the aromantic spectrum, this means he is aware of the emotions he feels towards Vegas. To me, he simply denies them for a long time until his breakdown over the noodle bowl. That is the moment I believe everything crashes into him and he realizes he genuinely loves Vegas but knows their situations would prevent that.

Until, you know, the coup and everything.

It is simply the sexual aspect of their relationship Pete is behind on.

Now, I go in-between Pete being a virgin and him having some sexual experience before the safehouse sex scene, but I tend to lean toward him being a virgin because it is funnier.

After all, the idea of asexual spectrum Pete vaguely knowing what he likes from, like, porn, and offering the rope on a silver platter? Delicious. I love it. It is great fun.

Also, it is fun when Pete reveals he lost his virginity to Vegas at the safehouse and everyone has a what the fuck moment.

Mainly, because I believe Pete wouldn't give a shit about the concept of virginity or the importance placed on it. He seems to have bigger fish to fry, but since he is demisexual he never found anyone he was into like that.

Which brings me to the revelation!

This one starts with Porchay who is nervous about his first time with Kim, so he asks the others about their first times (for bonus points make Porchay ask about it at a family dinner). Porsche refuses to answer. Kinn is frustratingly vague. Vegas is frustratingly vague. Eventually, Porchay gets to Pete who dodges around the question for a while until Pete admits his first term was with Vegas in the safehouse. (Bonus points if this is the first time people learn more about what went down in the safehouse).

Initially, Vegas is preening like a peacock because he was his partner's first and he was so good (ignore the chains and bondage and the overall hostage situation) and no one else has ever seen Pete in the throws of pleasure besides him and Pete is his, his, his-

Until Porsche goes blastic because he assumes it was nonconsensual because he saw those wounds, which isn't an unfair assumption to make considering the situation around it was still questionable even though Pete went for it. Tankhun assumes the same thing.

Pete is quick to say it was consensual, which relieves Porchay and Macau though Tankhun and Porsche are definitely throwing Vegas nasty looks across the table. Though, Vegas doesn't really care because he was Pete's first and his dick made Pete change allegiances, so his dick game is clearly superior to Kinn's.

Sorry this was so long, but Demiromantic Vegas and Demisexual Pete, you know?

[rivangel]

How do you feel about people calling Hanges sacrifice a suicide? They quite literally wanted to live but had a responsibility to carry the scouts forward.

i think it’s just about the most moronic, insipid, dumbass take in the entire fandom, which is saying something.

or i guess every time Hange appeared the people who believe this went to sleep or something.

i give my full thoughts here, but i’ll expand on them.

the idea Hange took the opportunity to commit suicide is SO diametrically opposed to their character in every way. Hange is a SCOUT: they put aside any fear of death or desire for family, a career, or a normal life in general in pursuit of living freely; they not only are willing to face the terror of the Titans but revel in learning about them, and by extension understanding the world around them. if there's ANYTHING which defines a scout—like Hange says also—it's their unyielding desire for a better understanding. in a cruel world such as Hange lives in, this is unfathomably brave.

first, their sense of duty, their responsibility, is heightened tenfold when they become commander. Erwin, who they admired deeply, is who they have to replace, and clearly, the person they consider their closest friend Levi (which is canon) believes in their leadership more than COMMANDER ERWIN. that's a lot of pressure.

((from their perspective, that is. it's unknown whether Levi ever told them his true feelings, but even if he did, they would know Levi believed Erwin was the only one who could help the Scouts save humanity. so it's lose-lose. actually that's worse.))

Hange felt so fucking guilty after the four years. it's clear how tired they were. after the Liberio battle, they felt that Erwin's choice to choose them as his successor was his one and only mistake, that it's their fault the Rumbling got as far as it did; they tell the alliance several times that it's unfair to drag them all into this, and they ask whether they're sure about it because of how the world might see Eldians when it's all over.

it's SO unreasonable for them to do, but their guilt overpowers.

one out of several reasons being, they had to dismiss Flegel and Peaure, when during the uprising arc, Hange was the one who pushed so damn hard for them to fight for the truth, and their own family. suddenly Hange can't tell the truth about where Eren is imprisoned and all of that.

now!! this argument between Hange and Flegel is THE EXACT MIRROR of the argument between Hange, Mikasa, and Jean when they all reunite after the rumbling starts. Jean similar to Flegel is arguing that Paradis will be spared, the Rumbling will give them protection for decades after, and it's the definitive way to guarantee their safety.

"a life as a mouse can still be a hard-fought one."

Hange concedes that they don't have the right to force them to fight, but genocide is wrong, and they won't be convinced otherwise. they admit that they're all here because their idealism was a weakness, and that they're a hypocrite because they wanted to run away with Levi, but they still have that responsibility to their comrades to make their sacrifices worth it.

Hange is wrong about their idealism being weak, and what right they have to ask for the others to fight, but it's their guilt. their weakness now is tangible, but their resolve is just as strong. they know, and believe, in their duty. there is absolutely no amount of hopelessness that could break that determination.

how, both knowing the earnestness of their character and the symbolism of the ghosts appearing here, would they lie or embellish here because they're actually suicidal? they want to stay alive and fight for all their sakes.

when the ghosts appeared to Erwin, he was pouring his heart out to Levi, and it's the same here. in fact their are many similarities between them, Erwin who "committed suicide", which is an erroneous take too, and Hange.

they both felt guilty for their actions and lack of action (the differences in their actions aside). Erwin tells Levi that at times he thought death would be easier, but he didn't want to die; he still fights for his dream. it's most likely been the same for Hange at this point.

he would go on to voluntarily die on Levi's order, and be the first to fall among a hundred new recruits. i mean the meaning can't be lost on anyone right? he pays for his sins with his life, and redeems himself with his death the same way every veteran would go on to do. for taking on their "demonic" roles like Sannes warns Hange of here.

it happens to Levi because of his choice and his moral devolution, and he redeems himself by killing Zeke and playing a major role in making the Scouts' collective dream finally realized; it happens to Nile for living with no regard to anyone but his family by being titanized, and redeems himself by helping Gabi and the Braus family escape during the invasion; etc.

Hange's sin was their willingness to run away. again back to the uprising: Hange argues that w/ the Survey Corps on the run, they hunker down in the cabin to remain safe, because Nick was murdered: "i was naive. it's my fault.'"

again do you see the resemblance? because there's more🥰.

besides their duty, it's Levi's resolve/strength, and their friends, that disproves the bullshit suicide theory.

Levi rebukes them by pointing out that their guilt is making them give up, and that hiding will just get them killed.

in the present, Levi again acts as their support. in the forest, they admit that they want to run away and live with him there. Levi tells them that they can't just keep running and hiding, and likely knowing the responsibility Hange feels to their comrades too, he points out that Hange won't be able to stay out of the action, and Hange agrees: they won't run.

and you want to tell me that Hange's sacrifice is them volunteering to quit, to run away, to die? PFFT.

similarly, their comrades give them strength on both sides of the aisle. both Mikasa and Pieck.

in a cosmic burst of irony, Hange does get to run away from the fight, but that's to keep the alliance safe, and give them the time to fix the plane. just like how they wanted to keep the Survey Corps safe during the uprising, and Levi safe after the explosion.

like what Hange chose to do thanks to Levi's support during the uprising, they're running away and fighting at the same time.

it was their duty as a Scout. it was Levi who helped give them bravery. they felt this sacrifice, for it to be "their turn", was their responsibility because they felt they failed the Scouts both living and dead. Hange didn't want to die!!

if Hange wasn't presented with this opporutunity, they would've fought proudly right beside Levi and the others. no doubt.

they even still have hope that Eren wasn't right. they're admitting defeat today, but even so, they believe peace will prevail one day.

it's the same (Hange would also echo levi's sentiment about the value of fighting if you were going to die anyway too.)

also, maybe it's a reach, but it's telling to me that as Hange comments on accepting defeat, they look just as scared when it's their death. Hange ALWAYS considered their life as belonging to the Survey Corps.

if all of this still isn't good enough, just look at how Hange was accepted by the ghosts of Scouts after their death. this is what drives me CRAZY about the suicide theory - it's completely unfounded!!!!

Erwin and Moblit, whose opinions Hange likely cared about most, are smiling at them, and Erwin puts it plainly. the Scouts are proud of Hange. Hange gave their sacrifices meaning, because now the alliance can catch up to the Rumbling. how can this be because of an intentioned suicide?

something that's pointed to is Hange's expression when saying goodbye for the last time.

they look pained and guilty right? but seriously...? knowing just how far Levi's strength got them, that it gave Hange the bravery, even, to do their sacrifice?? only to leave him alone when they were so close to reaching peace? of course they're upset. of course they feel pained and guilty. they probably even feel awful for feeling awful: this is it, and as perfect as that is, Hange feels awful because they were so close, but they had a job to do; Levi gave them strength, but Levi is alone.

to be succinct, i guess, it’s like this: because Jean wanted to block out what was happening and let the Rumbling happen, does that mean he doesn’t give a fuck about humanity and believed in Eren? NO.

it’s the same thing. because Hange quickly volunteered to do what was sure to kill them, did they not give a fuck about the Scouts and wanted to kill themself? NO.

[im-the-j-in-anthony-j-crowley]

Hi guys, I want to start by saying that I love you all and that my time in the fandom has been amazing

I don't know if that time is over, but we're definitely going to have a break because I need to think things through

If you want a VERY long talk about my views on the subject, and my general perspective, it's below.

I should give warning that both SA and depression are mentioned, with reference to suicide

I have always had problems with the age of both Michael's and David's partners, and you don't know how much I loved the girl who asked Michael about it.

However, both relationships were consensual, so even though I don't agree with it, I could simply acknowledge the fact that we have different worldviews and that's it.

Now I assume we know what's going on with Neil, and here the allegation is that it wasn't consensual. And also, it was girls my age, or younger than me.

Neil, I know the chances of you reading this are nil, and that possibly my stance on this is irrelevant. But taking into account the time I've put into the fandom.... I don't usually generate close connections with famous people, I always feel like they're about to make a mistake. Because we are human, and nobody deserves a pedestal. But it was something I almost did for Neil, especially after the post I made when I was in a crisis, that ridiculous "if this has x notes I do y thing" post.

and I guess I'm never going to be able to see the fact of Neil reblogging that post in any way other than "hey, maybe without that I wouldn't be here".

But there's no way I can keep my mouth shut on this, SA is an extremely touchy subject for me, and I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. What am I supposed to do? Abandon this blog? Delete it?

Good omens is part of my life on an immense level.

It's on most of my tumblr, Crowley is my profile picture on TOO MANY things, Crowley and Aziraphale are my favourite couple of all time, basically my definition of the best fictional relationship.

And now all of that is mixed in with what's currently going on.

I don't know if I'm going to leave the fandom or not, but I do know that I possibly need to spend a few days or weeks assessing the situation.

I love you guys, if you decided to follow me here, I really do. I adore you. I love this blog, it's one of my favourite things in the world. But now every time I think about it, I realise that it's a little too close to home.

I hope the situation moves forward as well as possible, that it is resolved with the truth...

And I want to make it clear, it shouldn't be me, the 22 year old, who is saying that someone my age dating a person 20 years older is incorrect

Even if it is a consensual relationship, it should not be that it is considered a correct course of action.

I say that as the 14 year old who thought they were an adult, as the teenager who was convinced they were mature (I wasn't). And even though I now feel that I am 100% aware of my situation, and 100% capable of making the right decisions, I wouldn't be surprised if in 10 years I discover that my worldview was fucking wrong.

I say that as the 22 year old who is fucking obsessed with Michael Sheen, who has seen an immense amount of stuff just because he's in it. I shouldn't be the one to say that if the situation were to arise, it would be fucking wrong of him for anything to happen (This is nothing against Michael, he is simply the only actor who has ever interested me in that way)

If it turns out that the allegations are true, it's horrible

If it turns out they're not, Neil, please date someone your own age, PLEASE

NOT WITH GIRLS

Having finished that, I want to talk a bit more about the fandom itself. I'm not telling you that we should leave fandom, or anything. And I understand if there are those who have compelling reasons to stay, I have no problem with that and I understand that. I've had experience with deciding whether or not to leave a fandom.

What I will ask is that you please consider acknowledging the fact that the ages of the people involved in these relationships alone is questionable, and the possibility that it was without consent makes it even worse.

I'm not asking you to smash or burn anything with Neil's name on it, but please think about it.

Is there a chance it's a fake? Yes, but please consider supporting the victims, because it is a fact that victims of SA are often categorised as liars

Just... acknowledging what is happening is better than pretending it is not happening

That's why I'm doing this

It happened, this is my situation at the moment, I'm going to take some time to think about it

[theotherfootofdoom]

This post contains pretty dark subject matter like suicide and feelings of hopelessness. I'll also say arachnophobia, entomophobia, and toxicophobia for good measure.

Viewer discretion is advised.

I've got another idea for a Bendy: The Cage fic that I felt like running by you. (Yes, I am still working on the "wedding band dream" one I mentioned a while ago)

This is kinda sad, so... Be warned?

So Henry's exploring this abandoned lab type deal and he finds a keeper log about a creature called "the phantasm" (best name I could come up with) which is a version of the widow king that has a venomous bite that induces really bad hallucinations. Most of the victims of this bite were lost ones, and what happened was the venom slowly destroyed them from the inside as it drove them up the wall insane and they either killed themselves, or succumbed to the actual poison. (So either way, they died.) Henry's not a lost one obviously, he's as close as you can get to a human in the studio besides Audrey and Joey's memory. How would his body react to a bite from this phantasm thing?

We're about to find out.

So let's say this phantasm bites him, and he kills it. So the creatures dead, the bite stings like hell, but overall nothing seems to be happening so far. He's about to press on and continue but then that's when the hallucinations hit.

There's these segments in BATIM that I call "orange moments" where everything goes this sunset orange kinda color, you can hear indescribable horror noises from the depths of hell, and Henry sees things that aren't there. (Except for when it's just a visual effect, like when Bendy annihilates the projectionist, or when Henry inserts "The End") I mention these "orange moments", because I think that that's the best example I can give for what I think these hallucinations would be like. Not identical, but very similar.

Anyway, it gets really overwhelming, he's not having the best time right now for obvious reasons, hallucinations aren't exactly peaches and gravy, they're really unpleasant, but after a minute it kinda settles when he hears a familiar voice, and sees a familiar face:

Linda...

it gets even worse, don't worry.

So Linda isn't actually here, she's part of the hallucination, but unlike the hallucinations that are actually harmful, she's the only hallucination that acknowledges the fact that she's a hallucination. In a way, Linda is a representation of Henry's rational mind trying to push through the venom's effects and find a way out of this (an antidote or something). He isn't exactly confident he can just bounce back like he normally does when he dies? (Comin' back from the dark puddles I mean) I think the keepers log would mention that the Lost Ones that dies from the venom's effects have yet to emerge from the dark puddles (There's a note somewhere in dark revival that talks about people that don't emerge from the dark puddles, calling them "phantoms of the machine") hence why Henry wouldn't be too confident. So Henry's arguing with Linda (or himself I guess) about whether or not it's worth it to find an antidote that he's not even confident exists, or if he wants to let himself die while finding comfort in this hallucination of Linda.

Yeah, I'm implying that Henry's a little suicidal here. A bit of a heavy take, but allow me to explain: His ex-buisness partner with whom he had a complicated relationship with traps him in a never ending nightmare of satanic inky nonsense, said ex-buisness partner with whom he had a complicated relationship with dies leaving said neverending nightmare of satanic inky nonsense to spiral out of control, some asshole custodian comes along and locks him up indefinitely leaving him alone with his thoughts where he realizes "oh shit, I'm not a real person, I have nothing to get back to, what the fuck is the point anymore". I feel like he'd be conflicted about the idea of being dead for good, because on one hand Henry seems like the kinda person who doesn't give up easily. He's stubborn in the best way, and you've gotta have a lot of tenacity to go through the same nightmare over and over again with the same "here goes nothing" type attitude. That said, he is absolutely tired out of his mind. He doesn't wanna die necessarily? I don't think anyone truly wants to die, it's more that they feel trapped and feel like there's no other option than to die. Henry doesn't wanna die. He just wants this nightmare to fuckin' end. In his eyes, he's not real, his entire existence was a lie, and he has no purpose. He was created for the purpose of being Joey's means to vent his frustration, Joey's dead, now what?

Now here's the tricky part. Do I want this to be pure angst that completely breaks people's worlds? Do I wanna make something that gives Henry the "it all makes sense now" type moment that every protagonist gets at one point or another? Or do I do a secret third option that combines the two horribly? To simplify; do I kill Henry, have him find an antidote, or have him die and just come back again? (Fuckin' hate that last one, that'd be such bullshit. 😅)

I dunno if I'm actually going through with this? I'm usually not a big fan of angst because a lot of the ways it's portrayed comes off as edgy torture porn that doesn't really do anything, so I'm torn. Cool concept, but is it really worth it?

[doggiewoggiez]

what is the reading list you’ve been doing

This meme. Got reposted from 4chan to Reddit to Twitter and finally to Tumblr. I'll update this post as I read each book. Here's the complete list:

1. Goosebumps #28: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom - R.L. Stine. Very middle of the road Goosebumps book not especially good but not terrible. 6/10 dead sisters.

2. Call of the Crocodile - F. Gardner. This book is a meme on /lit/ cause the dude's batshit and is constantly trying to promote his books that are extremely poorly written. He calls himself a famous author, doesn't believe gorillas or giraffes are real, and advocates chainsmoking cigarettes to help with the writing process. This book is the funniest thing I've ever read and made me so fucking angry by being so awful. 10/10 misplaced commas.

3. No Longer Human - Osamu Dazai. A semi-autobiographical story published before the author's suicide about a severely mentally ill character named Oba Yozo through his life of addiction, women, suicide attempts, and so on. An incredibly depressing read. His whole inner life is laid bare and it's disgusting and grotesque and you see yourself in him and you wish you could hold him and cry for him but even if you could you would never have the power to make anything okay. Beautiful fucking book, genuinely 100% no fucking joke changed my life. 10000/10 shitty cyberpunk adaptations.

4. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky. I cried hard as fuck dude. Another life changer for reals. Dostoevsky had such a deep understanding of human nature whether it be the lowest, most base and vile instincts or the unending capacity for love and compassion that exist in us all. All while being the blueprint for like every heady crime drama like Death Note, Breaking Bad, etc. The shit all you fags like. Most people just remember it as maybe required HS reading and definitely something people are pretentious about but it 100% deserves all the love it gets. Fan fucking tastic. 100000/10 years in Siberia.

5. Becoming - Michelle Obama. A bit too heavily ghostwritten, but when Michelle's voice shows through it's not terrible, it's kind of interesting to hear the inside scoop on White House life. It's kind of sad that Barack is the most interesting part of the book, and book-Barack seems like an extremely interesting and cool guy. But the book doesn't address all his dead civilians. 5/10 drone strikes.

6. Ulysses - James Joyce. The modernist novel, from what I understand. Half retelling of the Odyssey in 1900s Ireland, half a troll on literary critics, all around a pretty damn fun read. Not very far yet. Definitely the most difficult thing I've ever tried to read. Unfinished/10 Agenbites of inwit

7. 48 Laws of Power. This is like, THE sigma bro self help book as far as I've heard. It's pretty iconic, but I'm not especially excited for it.

8. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley. We all know it and love it, I'm interested to read the OG story.

9. Catechism of the Catholic Church 2nd Edition. Book from the Vatican that lays out what the church's official opinions, rules, shit like that are. Will be boring but interesting.

10. The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins. One of the biggest atheist dude books there is and probably by far the most influential. God is bad people who believe in God are stupid etc etc. Hopefully it has something interesting to say and isn't just a jerk off. It might just be a jerk off.

11. The Love Hypothesis - Ali Hazelwood. Some booktok romance schlock afaik. People make fun of it.

12. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole. All I know is it's about a guy in New Orleans in the 60s. Might be good, people seem to really like it.

13. The Art of War - Sun Tzu. Im gonna get so good at surprising my enemy.

14. Kodomo no Jikan - Kaworu Watashiya. Pure pedoslop, I don't think there's even an official English translation so we might not read it but I'm preemptively giving it 0/10.

15. The Iliad - Homer. The story of the Trojan war. All I know is Helen, Horse, and that's about it.

16. The Odyssey - Homer. It's the Odyssey. I think it's funny that it comes after Ulysses since I don't actually know the whole story of the Odyssey itself.

17. Ted Bundy: Conversations with a Killer - Stephen G. Michaud and Hugh Aynesworth. This is that thing they made a Netflix doc about a while back.

18. The C++ Programming Language 4th edition - Bjarne Stroustrup. Exactly what it says on the tin, by the guy who wrote the language.

19. Empress Theresa - Norman Boutin. A classic, it's a weird self-published story by a guy who's extremely unwell, usually referenced in the same way Sonichu is.

20. The Sound and the Fury - William Faulkner. His most difficult to read work, about a Southern family at the beginning of the 20th century.

21. Black Future #1 - Whitney Ryan. A very racist BNWO sissification porn story that was probably written as a joke. Possible skip definite 0/10.

22. The Cat in the Hat - Dr. Seuss. You know this.

23. The Trial - Franz Kafka. One of Kafka's most famous unfinished works, about a guy who's on trial for something and he doesn't know what.

24. American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis. Supposed to be way darker and more fucked up than the movie, really supposed to chill you to the bone afaik. VERY excited for this read.

25. Gravity's Rainbow - Thomas Pynchon. One of those famous "Really Fucking Long And Hard Books" like Infinite Jest or Ulysses, incredibly autistic foray into WW2 rocket science. Classic Pynchonery.

26. Magick In Theory and Practice - Aleister Crowley. Thankfully it's not the entirety of Magick Liber ABA Book 4.

27. Minecraft Jokes for Kids - Steve Minecraft. Not a real book but we'll substitute Jokes For Minecrafters by the Hollow family.

28. The Jews and Their Lies - Martin Luther. One of the most notorious antisemitic texts, right up there with the Protocols. It's going to be a pretty apalling read but it has pretty damn significant historical value so it's probably worth reading.

29. Dianetics - L. Ron Hubbard. The scientology book. It's way longer than you'd expect.

30. Everyone Poops - Taro Gomi. I don't understand this because girls don't poop.

31. In His Own Write - John Lennon. His writing and art, mostly just a bunch of absurd bullshit. I want to remain neutral and not just hate the book because I hate the guy. We'll see if it deserves that.

32. Bear - Marian Engel. This is that Canadian novel where the woman has a romance with a bear.

33. How To Get A Girlfriend - Chad Scott Nellis. Some bullshit self published thing. I'm gonna be swimming in punani.

34. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck - Mark Manson. Some self help schlock afaik.

35. Gabriel Dropout (vol. 3) - UKAMI. This is that cutesy manga about those angels and demons in human high school.

36. 120 Days of Sodom - Marquis De Sade. Old story of elite sex cults, I'm pretty sure it's the origin of that being like a thing that people conspiracy theory about.

37. Phenomenology of Spirit - Hegel. You probably know Hegel from either Marx or Fallout New Vegas. I know Hegel because a chick at my friend's co-op talked at me about him for like ten minutes while I was way too shit faced to know what the fuck is going on around me at all but I nodded along.

38. Star Wars: The Ultimate Sticker Collection. I bought this used for a buck fifty with half the stickers gone. All the new trilogy ones were still there.

39. The Anarchist Cookbook. Vom hard at the idea of "buying" this but I want to make sure I get the version as it appears in the meme so I guess I'll drop a few bucks on it.

40. An American Life - Ronald Reagan. Practical applications for previous book.

41. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger. Had to read this in high school, hated it, maybe it'll be better this time around.

42. Finnegan's Wake - James Joyce. An early postmodernist work about uhhh fucking whatever it was about. I'm not gonna lie if Ulysses is this hard for me this one will kill me.

43. The Charles Mingus CAT-alog for Toilet Training Your Cat. I'm not in the know when it comes to music but apparently this guy is like one of the gods of jazz. And he wrote a book on teaching your cat to shit in a people-toilet.

44. Am I Disabled? - The Simpsons S7E7. This is the book Homer reads where he learns obesity is a disability and gets really fat so he can work from home. Story of my life.

45. Serial Experiments Lain: An Omnipresence in Wired - Yoshitoshi ABe. The Lain artbook, with the short manga The Nightmare of Fabrication. Will be very expensive to get ahold of.

46. Pounded by the Pound - Chuck Tingle. We've heard enough about this guy the bit was holding onto the last molecule of funny it had like five years ago but I now had to buy a compilation paperback of his work for this.

47. Ford Capri II 2.8 & 3.0 Owners Workshop Manual 1974-1987. Had to order this from the UK couldn't find any in the US.

48. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov. We all know what this is. Of all things when my mom saw this list this was the book she pointed out as being really good, which I thought was funny.

49. Man's Life Magazine, September 1956 issue. "Weasels Ripped My Flesh." Good god it will be difficult finding the actual magazine, but the weasels story itself has been reprinted.

50. Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs (2nd Edition) - Harold Abelson et al. I like when people make anime girls have it :)

51. Shiver - Junji Ito. Never been a major Ito fan but a couple of his works I really liked are in this compilation.

52. Neon Genesis Evangelion (vol. 2) - Yoshiyuki Sadamoto. The Eva manga was really good I've actually read it before.

53. How To Avoid Huge Ships - Captain John W. Trimmer. Classic meme because I guess the cover and premise is very funny but I don't really get the joke. It's not that ridiculous sounding of a book, it's just niche.

54. Spice and Wolf (vol. 1) - Isuna Hasekura. Light novel for that manga we've been seeing around. They put a generic cover on it and replaced the anime girl so it could sell to non-weebs.

55. Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand. My sister read this in like middle school and unironically no joke started bawling crying sobbing because poor people are so evil and awful.

56. The Very Hungry Caterpillar - Eric Carle. Oh Boy I Sure Hope This Little Wiggly Guy Eats Something Normal! Oh no.. oh dear ...

57. Glow In The Dark - Kanye West. Very very hard to get a physical copy but we'll try. Photo book of his tour of the same name.

58. Mein Kampf - Adolf Hitler. Now obviously this wasn't included on the list for the genuine important historical value this book has but that's what I'm going to be reading it for. In reading it critically afaik it really paints a picture of how pathetic and unwell he was.

59. Higurashi: When They Cry. I hear it's really good.

60. This is a naked photo of Daniel Radcliffe posed with a horse.

61. Aberration in the Heartland of the Real - Wendy S. Painting. This is a book on the life of the OKBOMB guy, Timothy McVeigh. I hate how true crime shit has become so polarized as either sensational dogshit to make women walk with their keys between their knuckles or some awful horrible thing that's not worth looking into because "they were just racist/misogynistic/etc" I think it's all very reductive so this promises to be a good read.

62. KUBARK Counterintelligence Interrogation. CIA document on breaking a prisoner and interrogating from the 60s.

63. The Game - Neil Strauss. The Bible for pickup artists.

64. Identifying Wood - R. Bruce Hoadley. Yep, it's wood.

65. Fresh And Fabulous Meals in Minutes - Ainsley Harriot. Lots of memes about him but this is just a regular cookbook.

66. The Turner Diaries - Andrew Macdonald. Far-right racist book that inspired terrorism and hate crimes. People who read it and didn't already agree with it going in have said it's poorly written and just blows, and in the peek I took that seems to be true. It's too influential to not read if I'm going to be reading about Timothy McVeigh. Hard to get since it got pulled from most online stores following Jan 6th.

67. The C Programming Language (2nd Edition) - Brian W. Kernighan & Dennis M. Ritchie. Gonna learn to code I guess.

68. A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara. It's a story about a group of mentally ill gay men living in New York. Has been described as trauma porn written by a woman fetishizing gay men and is on there because channers like making fun of it, but it was also shortlisted for a Pulitzer.

69. The Rose of Paracelsus - William Leonard Pickard. The author was the victim of one of the largest acid busts and he wrote this in prison.

70. The Book of Mormon - Joseph Smith. Interested to learn what the fuck Mormons are actually all about.

71. Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone - J.K. Rowling. Like most people I read these in middle school. They were mid then and they're ass now but I'm not gonna tryhard about how bad they are because you've probably heard enough at this point.

72. A Critique of Pure Reason - Immanuel Kant. As someone who doesn't know shit about philosophy I'm excited.

73. Autobiography - Morrissey. Notorious for being published through Penguin Classics which is NOT for Morrisseys. Bad Morrissey. Go to your room.

74. Official Final Fantasy 7 Strategy Guide. I'm gonna get so good at FF7 dude.

75. My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness - Kabi Nagata. Think of the most annoying bpd she/they you know and then imagine a really mid book that she'd become way too annoying about. You've imagined this book.

76. Children of the Matrix - David Icke. The origin of the reptoids conspiracy theory.

77. Anti-Oedipus - Deleuze and Guattari. Mario and Luigi for your leftist roommate who won't do the dishes

78. Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace. It's a book about a person place or thing I know that much.

79. Sonichu #0 - Gonna be near impossible to source a physical copy from its short Lulu run.

80. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Harriet Beecher Stowe. Obviously of great historical importance but I get a sneaking suspicion that's not why they put it on the list.

81. Bronze Age Mindset - Bronze Age Pervert. This is... Well, it's sure something.

82. Drilled By My Two Cowboys - Aurora Sommers. BBW Cowboy porn 😋💦

83. The Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoevsky. People say it's his best work and if it's anywhere near as good as C&P was it'll blow me away. Also the Godfather was inspired by it.

84. Spare - Prince Harry. Really unfunny inclusion I can't imagine there's much value in it.

85. Da Jesus Book. That's the Hawaiian Pidgin translation of the New Testament. So basically I'm just reading the bible with extra steps.

86. Elon Musk - Ashlee Vance. Biography on Elon Musk apparently, not especially interested cause good chance it'll just suck him off hard.

87. Where's Waldo (Deluxe) - Martin Handford. Oh god I hope I find him.

88. Dracula - Bram Stoker. Shoulda subbed to Dracula Daily......

89. Bart Simpson's Guide to Life. I'm excited to see what Bart has to say about what I need to do with myself.

90. Bakemonogatari (vol. 1) - Nisio Isin. I've heard of this in passing I don't really know anything about this light novel except there's like girls and they're monsters maybe?

91. Business Secrets of the Pharoahs - Mark Crorigan. Fake book from S8E2 of the show Peep Show, which I've never heard of. It's British.

92. Industrial Society and Its Future - Ted Kaczynski. All I really know about Ted's ideas in the end is that everyone on here says he's based. I definitely want to read him and formulate my own opinion but I will probably also end up agreeing that he's based.

93. My Twisted World - Elliot Rodger. This is the manifesto of that incel shooter, probably a pretty worthwhile read in the same way a lot of this stuff is, a look into a deeply troubled person's mind.

94. Wash Your Penis - Jordan B. Peterson. This doesn't exist so we'll just read 12 Rules for Life.

95. Andrew Tate's Exegesis of the Quran. Unfortunately he did not actually write one though I bet it would be soooo terrible and funny. But we will read the Quran.

96. Art of the Deal - Donald Trump. Time to find out why people respected this guy.

[pastabeer]

Got tea, time for musical worms again.

Tree Hugger by Kimya Dawson & Antsy Pants, specifically because one part is about a snake wanting arms to hug a cactus. The want to give affection goes against the dislike for affection or physical contact, extra points for if the one who dislikes the affection is touch starved :)

The Red Means I Love You by Madds Buckley, it's mostly obsessive in a way, plus it's most just based on a character who drinks blood. Not a big fan of anime, but that song is nice.

Puppet Boy by DEVO, it's like The Fine Print to me, that in itself started an idea like the AI idea, but it's just worm Anon being in the blog like an employee, albeit an unwilling one.

Big Dick by Little Big, this one is a joke, but I feel like it fits the people who want worm sex.

ぴぽぴぽ by Serani Poji, sorta sad when you understand it. Then again, I'm just easy to upset, so that could just be me.

Bonfire by Childish Gambino, it's barely related, I just enjoy the song. Hehe :)

Make of This What You Will by Billy Cobb, sounds like another worm Anon drug trip, and I love it. Seriously, I don't even understand the lyrics but all I know is the lyrics "a sea of yellow fishes that need alcohol to breathe" – "I'm floating through marshmallows with koalas by my side" – "nobody can see me cause I've stolen all their eyes, and if you want them back you'll have to eat McDonald's fries" makes me think of worm Anon, I need whatever they are on.

The Future by Mystery Skulls, for the love of Satan this song is unexplainably worm-coded, mostly worm PastaBeer, in a good way. I would rather publicly commit suicide than say I hate Mystery Skulls, and it won't be a fast suicide.

On the topic of Mystery Skulls, might as well add these.

Hellbent by Mystery Skulls (featuring Snowblood), my unholy HELL that song is fucking amazing and I'm going to shive it onto these fucking worms.

Freaking Out by Mystery Skulls, worm Anon after figuring out they were stuck with a cannibalistic worm. That's all I have to say.

Meant to Be Yours, yes, the Heathers song. Hey, can you blame me? Mentally ill and morally fucked worm trying to convince mentally ill and morally decent worm fighting over whether or not they should blow up some place! One fakes suicide :D

Ms. Led by Jack Stauber, wonky song, but it's actually kind of sad if you think about it, and the lyrics. Like most songs by Jack.

On the topic of Jack Stauber, here's some more probably unrelated songs!

Inchman by Jack Stauber, it's seen as an abusive relationship, so there's some angst, too. Seeing as some lyrics are "hits me, hurts me, wants me hurting wrong!" and such, I can see it.

Windrag by Jack Stauber, it's about a plane crash. It's theorized that the pilot fell asleep, resulting in the crash, seeing as the lyrics say stuff like "I used to listen to the morning, but crash landing came without warning. I really tried my best, but the trip was put to rest, can't sleep now the birds are chirping." most people say that the pilot fell asleep listening to background noise, and when he woke back up, he tried to pull the plane back unti flight. Although the pilot survived, he has to live with the guilt.

Stutter by Jack Stauber, it's just worm Anon in my eyes. They seem like the type to stutter, no offense, I enjoy people who stutter, they can be nice.

As Your Father I Expressly Forbid It by Lemon Demon, worm PastaBeer getting tired of the stupid Hell baby worms... Or worm Anon, we never confirmed the father

The Fox's Wedding by MASA WORKS DESIGN, a forbidden love that is twisted and cannibalistic where the fox lures in prey just to eat them. Seems close enough, yeah? Ignoring the fact that it implies PastaBeer worm seduced worm Anon to eat them, who in return begs to be eaten. Unless you're kinky like that, I can't stop you.

Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths, because mythology is fun. Plus, I enjoy the song itself and thinking of French worms is fun :)

IFHY by Tyler, The Creator and Pharrell Williams, sounds like Bipolar disorder and obsession mixed. Specifically Bipolar disorder, with the eh... "Favorite person" thing and such, can't say shit though, I'm Bipolar. Makes me think of the worms in the idea of Bipolar disorder, although this song in itself just suits the worms in the sense of obsession. The sense I like best, too. Hehe, worms.

The Red Means I Love You is one of my favorites

[neonshrine]

Yesterday it was 13 years.

For some reason the only way that I can like wrap my head around it being 13 years is by thinking of it as "his death is a teenager." There were kids born in 2011 that are becoming teenagers. It's such a weird thought, and has absolutely nothing to do with Robby. Death can't be a "teenager."

When my mom broke the news to me, I have never felt so numb in my entire life. I didn't cry for hours. It wasn't until Becca (Robby, Becca and I were sort of the Three Musketeers of the neighborhood, if you will), came over that I finally cried. It didn't feel real, and in a lot of ways it still doesn't.

His parents asked me and Becca to speak at his funeral. I didn't get to go. I had a 102.7 degree fever. I went to the viewing with a 101 degree fever because I refused to miss it. One of my biggest regrets is not going to his funeral. I know funerals are for the living and not the dead, and I probably wouldn't have gotten through any words I would've hastily slapped together but I will always feel like I let him down by not going.

His dad and step-mom had a small get together that weekend for the neighborhood people to stop in and out. I was well enough to attend that, and just sat in Robby's bedroom in the basement. His dad came down to sit with me and let me cry on him for what felt like hours. It was probably one of the most selfish things I had ever done. Crying to the man who had just lost his oldest son. I apologized another day for being so insanely unthoughtful. I'll never forget his response.

"Why wouldn't I want to comfort my daughter when she lost her brother?"

I remember Becca being the first one to anger, which at the time pissed me off. She'd throw out things about it being "selfish," and she'd never forgive him for leaving us. In retrospect, I understand it now. We both know a lot more about addiction and how it impacts everyone in vastly different ways. Becca was always more of the "he needs tough love," approach. I was always more of the "he has to figure it out on his own," approach.

Sometimes I think Becca still holds me partially responsible for Robby not getting the help he needed. I don't think she means to. I think if I straight up asked her she'd tell me she doesn't, but I think it's because I was just as young and stupid and would frequently get high as well. I never used the hard stuff that he did, but that's no excuse. I really fucked it up. How could he possibly listen to him beg and plead to get help, when I was getting high as well? Yeah, weed and heroin are very very different beasts - but he'd give me the most infuriating "really?" look, and I had no backbone with him. I didn't want the fight. I didn't want the last things he said to me to be things out of anger.

Goddamn it was a lot for me to deal with for as long as I did - as young as I was.

There's still a debate to this day between friends and family about whether the "accidental overdose" was accidental or not. There's no doubt he died of a heroin overdose. Toxicology reports don't lie. Robby suffered from severe depression and had one prior suicide attempt when he was 15. His parents divorced when he was 3, his dad remarried (I was never a fan of his step-mom), had two more boys and adopted a daughter from Russia. Robby lived with his mom who never remarried, who (from what Robby told me) bad mouthed his dad religiously, and who wouldn't want him to even visit his dad. Depression also ran in his family. One time he told me he thought he was cursed. "All [redacted] men have severe depression. Our family curse."

Some believe he overdosed on purpose and they had been concerned for weeks that he was going to do something. Some think it was purely an accident but are glad he's "at peace."

Fucking bullshit, man. That wasn't peace. That's no way to go out.

Me? I don't have an opinion. All I know is my brother died. I don't care if he did it on purpose or if he did it accidentally. He just is no longer here.

For some reason 13 years hit me hard. The first was brutal. Year two was hard. Years three and four were... okay. Year five was rough because of that arbitrary milestone. Years six through nine, I feel like were easy. I think one of those years I actually forgot until a week later and then proceeded to feel insanely guilty. Year 10 was hard - another arbitrary milestone. Years 11 and 12... were fine. So why 13?

Robby's youngest brother Matthew is the age that Robby was when he died, and for some reason that hit hard. Matt reached out and said he was having a hard time with knowing that his birthday is in four months, and couldn't stop thinking about what Robby had been doing four months before his birthday (which is March 5 - so November 2010) that he didn't get to see. That it was an eerie feeling to be having. He said Colin (Robby's other younger brother) hadn't had that feeling. I don't know why, but this all bothered me even more. His brothers have gone 13 years without him. They went from being babies to grown men and Robby never saw any of it.

A lot of times I think about all of the things I've experienced that I didn't get to share with Robby. He never got to see me get something back from Mike, which I know would've made him roll his eyes. He didn't get to come to my housewarming party. He wasn't there to help pick up the pieces when I last got my heartbroken. He wasn't there to threaten to beat up my old boss. He didn't get to go to Becca's baby shower. He has no idea her son is named after him.

I miss him.

What died didn't stay dead. You're alive, you're alive in my head.

Here's 13 things one has to know about Robby:

1.) Him and I would play house, and one time he legitimately got upset and cried because he wanted to be the family dog and not the daddy.

2.) One time, we tried climbing out of his bedroom window using kite string. His dad put a stop to that one real fast.

3.) When I had my first kiss, he was the first person I told. He told me that was disgusting and I would probably get a disease and die.

4.) Years later he told me he had just been mad he hadn't been my first kiss because he thought it would be easier to practice on me until he got it right but could never figure out how to tell me that. Romantic.

5.) He was in a fairly popular pop punk band that did Warped Tour and what not. They were on the verge of actually making it when he died. Sometimes I wonder if the pressure was too much.

6.) He had a Collie named "Tillie."

7.) He had a very strange love for Dr. Dre. I have no idea where or how it started. It was like one day he didn't know a thing about Dre and the next he knew everything.

8.) He swore up and down Hoobastank was amazing and ahead of their time. We saw them open for Incubus and at the end of their set he just goes "TOLD YOU."

9.) When we were three, our moms took us to the theatre for the first time. I have no idea what we saw. What I do know is Robby and I fell asleep in the same seat and missed the entire movie.

10.) Every summer him and his dad would hold a wiffle ball party. It was all very serious. We'd make banners to hang on the fence line. The adults would get t-shirts printed so we'd have uniforms.

11.) He was an artist. He played guitar. He wrote song lyrics. He sketched all the time. His brain was always creating.

12.) He tried teaching me to skateboard once. It didn't go well and he blamed it on me being short. It had nothing to do with me being short.

13.) He would've laid his life down, no hesitation, for anyone and everyone that he cared about.

I miss him terribly.

I know my brother he went one way, and at the fork I heard him say: "Don't you follow, don't go making my mistakes." And I realized what he meant, don't kill yourself to raise the dead. It never works you'll only end up joining them.

For awhile after his death all I wanted to do not feel anything, so I drank. A lot. I've been drinking a lot. The last two months I've had more than I have in a very very long time. I didn't even realize why I was drinking so much until yesterday, when I had my last one and the thought of actually having to like sit with my thoughts sober was not a really enticing idea. It's still not. I'm drinking as I'm typing this, but I've at least recognized WHY I've been drinking like I have been. I don't want to join Robby. I just need to get myself together.

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were still around. I know better, but I still feel you all around. I know better, but you're still around.

[allycat75]

Here is what I see as the issue here:

Totally agree it is more than bad script picking. Remember, most people don't know who he is outside of Captain America so he may only be getting Captain America-type offers.

Also, since he is represented by slimy CAA, I don't doubt his team isn't giving him the best scripts. Whether they don't have faith in him (like I suspect he doesnt have faith himself because I do think he hates himself), to ensure they have a semi-famous name to put into their crappy home grown projects ("Hey, isn't he Captain America?"), to make sure he is dependent and hungry and keep him trapped in this contract so they can earn a few brownie points in the apparently lucrative Portuguese market (or hide some nefarious dealings with said parties), then only to have him desperate enough to have to crawl back under Marvel's skirt and get their cut of a decent paycheck, or some clusterfuck combo of the above.

However, regardless if he is given "Ishtar" or "Lawrence or Arabia", dude still has to do the work. Ghosted and Pain Hustlers were painfully superficial and it looks like Red One will be more of the same. We can't predict what Honey Don't will do, but if it is anything like Drive Away Dolls, man is headed for more Razzie Nominations. I feel I have already seen The Materialists with all the unnecessary, thirsty behind-the-scenes footage and I already hate it, and (CAA backed) Sacrifice sounds like The Patty Hearst Story meets Joe vs. the Volcano, with satire (the hardest genre to pull off, from an unproven writer/director known more for serious, ponderous, self- indulgence). I know it is hard to be good when the script and/or director sucks and have no chemistry with your co-star, but CE used to be known for being the best thing in the worst movie. But now, thanks to his Tell-Not-Show soulless, lazy automoton acting style, he is the worst thing in the worst movie, and people will notice.

Too bad he alienated his loyal fanbase by creating the narrative that they were crazy and stupid, thinking he was hot as shit he could just build a new group of lemmings to blindly pay for his lazy offerings. Ironic thing is, that after trying to gaslight his fans for pointing out all of the obviously erroneous information he and his team tried to feed us, he is the one who looks insane by talking about two kinda ceremonies that can't be corroborated by any tangible evidence and his whole relationship with the Nazi fish mouth can be broken down by ridiculous smoke-and-mirror stunts and character desolving lies, Shutter Island-style. Just go back and read the depressive fever dream GQ artcle (and photos)- someone who really cares about him ought to hold an intervention of some sort because he needs help desperately. So, who is the real damaged party here, CE?

And FUCK Tarentino! I am glad there are no movie stars anymore. You know how crazy and orchestrsted that all was? Jamie Lee Curtis is here because her parents, who hated each other, were forced to get "real married" and have her. Joan Crawford, Betty Davis, Bing Crosby, Marlon Brando and Shirley Maclaine were all so pathologically self centered they abused their children into alcoholism, depression and suicide. Kurt Douglas, Marlon Brando (again) and Gene Kelly (amongst many others) were misogynistic at best and rapists at worst and were allowed to get away with it because they were protected- is that why he likes the old way of doing things? He'd still have his buddy, Harvey the Hutt producing his shit, and even taking some for himself. And I won't even get into the racism and homophobia involved in creating those beloved "movie stars" (just look up Harry Belefonte, Dorothy Dandridge, Rock Hudson and Montgomery Cliff to start).

Sorry this got long, but thanks for letting me piggyback.

Remember the comment Tarantino made that was a bit insensitive the way he came off? He may not have been wrong.

Chris has never been a movie star without Marvel, but he was very well-liked on the internet for several years there. A lot of buzz, but not really anymore but he wasn’t ever movie star. He wasn’t exactly ‘actor’ either (in the vein of movie star vs. actor) Even Rian Johnson didn’t exactly want him right off the bat for KO, Chris had to push for it. He’s never been a good script picker, or maybe he doesn’t get the offers. But he pushed and he was good in that role. He doesn’t seem to push or fight for things often.

Marvel really made his career. It’s not a bad thing or something to be disappointed about. I’m sure many starving actors would love to switch places!

Without Marvel, he’s back to being a bad script picker. Everyone has duds, and I like cheesy action movies sometimes, but he hasn’t had a full blown win in some time, just so-so to it’s ok, not bad, not great response to projects. R1 just isn’t it. The CGI even looks horrendous.

I think a lot of us fans had rose-colored glasses on, or higher hopes for him post marvel, you know since he went on and on how much he wanted to direct post-marvel and all the things he wanted to do post-marvel contract. A lot of hype or excitement from himself and his words that seems to have fizzled.

Still fans out there that will defend him, but not as many as there used to be. I kinda went all over the place with my comment 😂 sorry about that but I definitely see what you mean with your last couple of posts.

I think there's many more forces at play than just Chris' own possible "bad script picker." For one, the very real fact that typecasting exists at multiple levels within the film business. Actors get typecast in the minds of producers, directors, casting agents, writers, agents, and probably their own friends/coworkers. How hard must those prevailing assumptions about you as an actor be to "kick" against? I think there's some freedom in the starting phase of a career when you audition for anything and everything, and that can bring in a little bit of variety to your career. But then, you get typecast as much by your successes as your failures. The big budget action flick you're in hits big? Then those are what your follow up offers are. Maybe a small, edgy indie movie you're in gets moderate buzz and good reviews. Then your agents probably see more of those come in to their desks with your name mentioned. It's hard to be seen as more than one thing, because the human mind likes things to be easily categorized as discreet signifiers.

So, I think it's possibly telling that while he was having huge success with Marvel, he wasn't going for other big budget action films (like Hemmy has). Instead, he was filming smaller things like Before We Go, Gifted, RSDR while still in his Marvel contract. He tried going back to stage while still in the Marvel contract. I think that shows that at least then he was still trying to push himself and possibly still grow in his craft. Now, were those the greatest projects? Probably not, but then the "better" level of small movies - the prestigious indies or awards bait films - are routed by directors/producers/casting agents/agents to the actors who are "typecast" as the kinds of actors who star in those films. And, unfortunately, he wasn't included in that category. Even now, when he seems to be somewhat trying again, you can see he's not being thought of for those kinds of movies first. That Marvel success was such a double-edged sword.

[halosluvchild]

can I just say what Iove be about Young Royals is not only are they not shying away from mental illness and disabilities and the obvious queer aspect but they are also showing that just because you have a mental illness ,disability,or that you are queer it is not an excuse to be a shitty person the three obvious examples of this are

#1 Marcus

who despite never learning his sexuality considering he wants a relationship with Simon it's safe to say he is queer! Marcus being queer though does not excuse the fact that he is a shitty person who ignores Simon's feelings (and yes the same can be said for Willem and how he treats Simon this season) examples include bringing up the fact he has never watched the tape and telling Simon he doesn't know what a healthy relationship is because of his abusive father after Simon says he isn't ready for a relationship. telling Simon he doesn't want to "get rid of something this beautiful" after Simon says he doesn't want a relationship. and lastly accusing Simon of "playing the victim" when Simon comes to talk things out when Simon in the beginning said he didn't want a relationship. out of all the characters on this show Simon is the last one I would say is playing the victim ( again I love Wilhelm he is a victim too and I wish I could give him a hug but he does have his flaws) so here you have an example of a queer person who is also a manipulative cunt and a shitty person

#2 Sara

in season 1 we learn that Sara has ADHD and Asperger's but that is not an excuse for her actions at the end of the first season and all through the second in fact there are multiple points in season 2 that Sara even knows what she is doing is wrong ( won't tell Felice about her and august, decides at the last minute not to go to the masquerade with August and in episode 6 when August tells her he bought Rousseau she dismissed him and walked away a little bit to late but she did walk away from him) she knows what she is doing and she knows what August has done to her brother and she gives him multiple chances to "fix it" yet when he shows he won't she keeps forgiving him and crawling back. and yes I know you can't help who you fall in love with (and in my god awful probably the most unpopular opinion of this series if August and Sara weren't such terrible people I think they would make a great couple) but that doesn't excuse anything she did and it also doesn't excuse the fact that she probably made it worse while trying to make it right when she called the police ( although if she really does want to make it right with Simon she is technically an eye witness to August uploading the video and I don't know how the swedish legal system works because I live in America but that could be pretty damning) all her actions though whether motivated by love or wanting to be accepted somewhere for once are not to be excused by her ADHD and Asperger's she is still a shitty person and what she did was shitty

#3 the absolute worst of them all August

August has been the worst from season 1 episode 1 we all know that but if you look closely at his character (I know ew) you notice a few things. the extreme pressure on his shoulders, the extreme lack of anyone who actually cares for him in his life (except Eric and I think it's safe to say that August went through his own grief when Eric died),a drug addiction, and either the beginning of or an established eating disorder ( working out every chance he gets, can eat absolutely no carbs) although a shitty person he has his own problems but just like the other two on this list that does not excuse his actions. as someone pointed out (I wish I could remember the tik tok creator) August is broke right now BY CHOICE when his father committed suicide August was left everything and it is made evident not only in season 1 but more so in season 2 that he can sell all of it whenever the fuck he wants and get that money. the only reason he hasn't is status and status alone. August has and always will be about status we saw that in season 2 when he was so worried about the crown and then relived and smug when he realized they were going to do nothing about the video but not only that made him second in line. we see how he craves control the defeat he feels in the first half of the season when Wilhelm has the upper hand but then that confident smug bastard that returns when he is made second in line and told that it's because the court doesn't think Willie is fit or able to be king HE KNOWS and AGREES with them and he finally has the upper hand so all thought of turning himself in goes out the window because in his head ( the same reason he leaked the video in the first place) he agrees with the court that not only is Wilhelm l not able to be King but that he doesn't deserve it. so the lack of love the eating disorder the drug addiction none of it is a fucking excuse for how horrible and disgusting of a person August is and if we do get a season 4,5,6 I don't care how many if they push for a redemption arc I will not take it after everything he has done.

in conclusion I wish I had shows like Young Royals when I was in highschool and got outed and told I was wrong and although I am still dealing with that same homophobia from the same people it would have been nice to be able to have representation to know then what I know now so I can ignore them. but I'm also glad they are showing that just because you have mental health issues or disabilities or that you are queer that doesn't automatically make you a great person.

remember no matter where you fall on the queer scale YOU ARE VALID ,YOU ARE LOVED,and YOU MATTER SO MUCH never let someone take your rainbow away

[none-gender-left-man]

Mike Wheeler has BPD

"I often feel “empty.”"

"My emotions shift very quickly, and I often experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety."

"I’m constantly afraid that the people I care about will abandon me or leave me."

"I would describe most of my intimate and close relationships as intense, but unstable."

"The way I feel about the people in my life can dramatically change from one moment to the next—and I don’t always understand why."

"I often do things that I know are dangerous or unhealthy, such as driving recklessly, having unsafe sex, binge drinking, using drugs, or going on spending sprees."

"I’ve attempted to hurt myself, engaged in self-harm behaviors such as cutting, or threatened suicide."

"When I’m feeling insecure in a relationship, I tend to lash out or make impulsive gestures to keep the other person close."

This line of questioning is used in determining whether one has borderline personality disorder.

Let us establish that Mike is simultaneously painfully aware of his flaws and shames while also showing an extreme pride and sense of ego. This is a pretty standard BPD experience, dualism of self value. Both self aggrandized and self loathing.

Mike knows he's an asshole when he is, and it makes him value himself even less, which in turn can stifle his growth without healthy support. When he's a dick to Will especially, he takes responsibility (notably more so with Will than anyone else, I'll come back to this). He knows he fucks up, and when he does it crushes him. This is exactly why Mike "needs to feel needed".

He needs to be told he has value because telling himself doesn't work. He doesn't Believe Himself. To someone with BPD, your own good traits can disappear when you feel you've harmed someone you love or have caused yourself to lose them. This is also why his relationship with El WILL fail. She doesn't Need him, even if she does want his company. This is established. She is an independent agent and this makes them deeply incompatible as a romantic pair. Their relationship was healthiest in a platonic state.

Examples of Mike's emotional instability and lashing out, saying regrettable things to loved ones or having feelings for them shift from one extreme to another:

“I thought we were friends, you know? But friends tell each other the truth. And they definitely don’t lie to each other. You made me think that Will was okay; that he was still out there but he wasn’t! He wasn’t. Maybe you thought you were helping but you weren’t. You hurt me, do you understand? What you did sucks.” - To Eleven/Jane about lying to him

"I'm not trying to be a jerk. But we're not kids anymore. I mean, what did you think? We were never gonna get girlfriends? We were just gonna sit in my basement and play games for the rest of our lives?" - To Will about his jealousy of Eleven and Max

"It's not my fault you don't like girls!" - To Will after Will left due to Lucas and Mike focusing on their girlfriends more than the Party

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe we don't want to be popular?" - to Lucas about his joining the basketball team

"Why is this all on me?" - To Will about their lack of contact

Fear of losing loved ones or being abandoned:

"It's day 353. I had a bad day. I don't know, I guess I wish you were here. We all do. If you're out there, just please, give me a sign....Eleven?" - To El

"I felt like I lost you." - To Will

*See the Self Endangerment section below for more on this related to Will.

Unstable yet intense relationships:

Has been dumped by El for his insensitivity

Has had an established pair bond with Will from kindergarten onward despite having occasionally very turbulent bumps in their friendship.

Fights and bickers with his friends, authorities, and loved ones like his parents and sister on a regular basis.

Has a pattern of being insensitive and disrespectful in general.

Develops attachments quickly and strongly, but these attachments can distort or shift easily.

Self Endangerment or Impulsivity:

“I saw you guys laughing over there and I think that’s a real messed-up thing to do.” - confronting Troy and James

Mike's Suicidality - When Will disappears in the beginning causing Mike and Dustin to have their dangerous encounter with Troy and James, Mike is fully willing to die by throwing himself off the cliff. In the exact same place he fears Will has died. Were it not for El, he'd have killed himself at 12 years old because he lost his favorite person in the world. Remember that when you discuss him and his behaviors. He needs character development, but he's a traumatized, mentally ill teen.

A common part of having BPD is the formation of an attachment to a "favorite person" or FP, Mike's FP is Will, and has been for years.

Evidence:

“I asked if you wanted to be my friend. And you said yes. You said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done.” - To Will

In LotL (not typing the full book name bc I'm not clogging the Lucas book tag with a Mike essay) Mike is established as having crashed into an intense self isolating depressive episode when Will left. He shut himself in the basement substituting his absence with hollow video game binges while ignoring everyone and neglecting all other relationships. This of course is parallel to him asking Will if he "expected them to play games in his basement forever", to which Will had replied. "I really did."

This is also why he can't say I love you to El without being pressured/coerced.

When visiting Lenora Hills, Mike doesn't focus on El despite her supposedly being his girlfriend and reason for being there. While El is being bullied and harassed he is distracted, asking why Will hasn't talked to him and has been giving the cold shoulder. He dislikes losing Will's presence and attention. It's uncomfortable and disturbing to his emotional expectations, which triggers his reactivity.

Even though he clearly cares for El deeply, Will takes a priority, and Mike lashes out at him in frustration at their lack of contact because he lacks communication skills and self awareness. (Though to be fair from Mike's POV Will had just blamed Mike for their lack of contact when Mike factually tried countless times to call)

This second loss of Will sets Mike off, just like he was set off when he temporarily lost Will in 1983. Only this time, Mike feels it's his fault in many ways. There's guilt, shame, self pity- but then he starts to fix it upon having his heart-to-hearts with Will, once again establishing Will as a source of emotional stability for him. Will makes Mike see his flaws and helps him to feel loved and supported while not excusing his actions. Will won't just take the bullshit, but he truly loves Mike unconditionally and unapologetically.

Will is the only person who Mike takes the initiative with in accountability without being nudged. The ONLY person. Intentionally or not, Mike Wheeler is BPD coded. There's no way around this and it can't be removed from his character.

There's a pervasive and frustrating concern I have with the amount of cluster b ableism tossed at him as a character. One doesn't have to like him or enjoy him, but note that real people experience the same regressions of behavior. Real people don't need to see their patterns of mental illness targeted so openly. One can criticize the character without treating him as some irredeemable prick with no good qualities left.

[96percentdone]

You're Wrong About Justice for All

So, recently I replayed the Ace Attorney trilogy, including the oft maligned Justice for All, and realized a few things. The first is that Justice for All slaps so fucking hard, and the second is that most people do not understand the overarching plot of Justice for All, and so they don't get why it's the best actually.

It's a common belief that Justice for All is the game where Miles Edgeworth faked his own death, and in grief from his loss, Franziska von Karma goes on a revenge quest against Phoenix Wright for soiling Edgeworth's perfect trial record and thus causing his demise, all while Wright himself mourns the loss of his friend. Which is a spicy narrative, I'll give you that, it's just not true.

My opening statement is as follows: While Justice for All does use language of death and grief in this storyline, the actual events are not about a man who literally faked his death, but about how two people who have placed impossible expectations on one man contend with when he fails them, and how when said man returned changed once more he forces them to confront this fact and become better people. Furthermore, I maintain that this storyline is fucking baller as hell and works better with the message and themes of JFA than the common belief.

Let's put Justice for All on trial, shall we? Under the cut!

Part One: "Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth Chooses Death"

Now, since you're still here and haven't just clicked off under the assumption I'm a disconnected weirdo who doesn't know how to read, you're probably thinking "uh, what about Edgeworth's note? What about 'Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth Chooses Death?' Isn't that pretty good evidence for faking his death?" To which I say... yeah, I guess if you ignore the weirdly specific phrasing and also everything else that happens. Like. I'm sorry, this is a note that specifically mentions his job? He leaves the note in his office too (or at least the anime indicates as much), and doesn't that look more like a weirdly dramatic resignation letter?

But okay none of that probably sounds very convincing right now. After all, Miles had just gone through some of the most harrowing trials in his life. He was put on trial twice, had his entire worldview and belief about himself upended, and then just to hammer it in was confronted by a murderer who believes Edgeworth will one day be like him. It would be completely understandable for him to be in utter emotional turmoil. Indeed, Nick alludes to as much when he finally talks about what happens in Turnabout Big Top, more on that later. Furthermore, in Farewell My Turnabout, he uses the specific phrase "choosing death" when confronting Adrian Andrews on the witness stand about her history of mental illness as a euphemism for suicide, so it's not out of the question he was suicidal. I'm not going to argue he was or wasn't. Frankly, there’s a few hints to suggest he was, but it’s hard to wholly prove because you don't see him during the time he wrote it, or what he's thinking.

No, in fact, I'm going to argue that nobody else truly thought he killed himself, and thus render it irrelevant whether he was suicidal or not! Let's start with that exchange from Turnabout Big Top with Franziska I just mentioned. This is the first time it is ever explicitly discussed aloud what happened to Miles, taking it out of a vague mystery and bringing it into the spotlight. It goes like this (thank you AA wiki for mostly complete transcripts):

Phoenix: !! Then... Then what's this "revenge" thing you're talking about? von Karma: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Phoenix Wright. I have to see "him" again, one more time. Phoenix: "Him"? von Karma: I'm sure you know to whom I refer... Miles Edgeworth!! Maya: What!? Edgeworth!? Mr... EDGEWORTH!? Phoenix: M-M-Mi-Miles E-Ed-Edg-Edgeworth!! Miles Edgeworth... Why would you even bring him up!? von Karma: You haven't forgotten, have you? Do you know who it was that trained the gifted prosecutor, Miles Edgeworth? Maya: !! Manfred... von... Karma... von Karma: Exactly right. It was my papa. Maya: That means that Edgeworth was... von Karma: Right again. Miles was like a little brother to me. Maya: Huh? Little brother? Edgeworth and Nick are the same age... Phoenix: (Edgeworth... The man who inspired me to become an attorney. I fought against him in a few cases... But after "that" case was over... He "vanished"...) von Karma: It's your fault he is gone. Maya: HUH!? von Karma: It's the truth, isn't it Mr. Phoenix Wright? Phoenix: I... I... Maya: Nick! What does she mean!? Phoenix: After that case, Edgeworth was in a peculiar state, and he got worse everyday. He never set foot into court again... And then one day, he just vanished. All he left was a simple note at the prosecutor's office. von Karma: "Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death." Phoenix: That was one year ago. It was right after you left to go back home. Maya: Mr. Edgeworth... He's dead? von Karma: I don't believe it. He's still alive. I'm sure of it... Somewhere in this world, he's still alive. "Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death?" Of course he did! You ruined his reputation as a Prosecutor! You effectively killed the Prosecutor in him. Just like your victory muddied the honorable name Von Karma! I'm going to find him... Then I'm going to teach him the difference between right and wrong with my own hands! Maya: N-N-Nick! Umm... About Edgeworth? Phoenix: Maya, I already told you this once. Don't make me do it again. Don't bring up his name in front of me again, OK? Maya: N-Nick...? Phoenix: Von Karma? von Karma: What? Phoenix: I don't know if you are god's gift to prosecutors or not, but I've had about enough of you!! Him too! Maya: Wha... What happened? von Karma: Hmph. This dog is all bark and no bite. He's already been defeated... Regardless, I have nothing to inform you two of today. Tomorrow will be the greatest courtroom battle this country has ever seen!! Maya: Nick? Phoenix: Let's go. We need to talk with the performer on the third floor. Maya: I'm sorry I brought it up, Nick...

Boy that was a long chunk huh? Lot to unpack here, some of which I'll return to more than once, but still it's quite lengthy. Let's start with the obvious: Franziska says point blank she doesn't think Miles died. She believes he is still alive, and that he just left because of his reputation as a perfect prosecutor being completely shattered. Her desire for revenge is, in part, born to crush the man who made him quit, in her view. So okay that's one party easily taken out of the way. I mean ya girl literally says it straight up, but Fran isn't going to be the sticking point. The sticking point is Nick.

To talk about Nick, I also have to talk about Maya, because Maya in this scene, is a stand in for the players. She reacts like we would to this bombshell, in shock that Edgeworth has apparently committed suicide. Up until this point, Nick has been really cagey and unwilling to tell her about Miles, and consistently tells her not to talk about him anymore whenever she tries, and here she's finally told what happened. We as players are inclined to take her perspective since we are as in the dark as she is. So naturally, Maya reads Nick's bitterness and reticence as his grief, and apologizes for treading on his feelings when he's clearly going through loss. It's not an unreasonable hypothesis, because Nick hasn't been forthcoming.

And he still isn't being forthcoming either. You'll notice that in this exchange he never actually confirms that Miles died. He uses words like vanished, and when asked 'He's dead?' doesn't even say a word before Franziska monologues her opinion. His response to that speech isn't to tell her she's wrong; it's to tell Maya not to bring him up again. He is still steadfastly avoiding the subject, unwilling to confront the truth of it.

But is that truth that he believes Miles Edgeworth died? As far as evidence goes, this is pretty circumstantial. With the perspective of an unknowing audience member, it is easy to read that as the truth, but it lacks backing. We need more information. One exchange is not enough to make a case, let's skip ahead to Farewell my Turnabout!

Part Two: "I...I never wanted to see you again!"

These are the words Phoenix Wright utters when Miles Edgeworth shows up in criminal affairs, just to call Fran and Nick lost lambs who need his guidance. Now let's put this quote in context, so that I do not distort the facts. We'll start from after Franziska leaves, after all, I really don't need to prove her thoughts more, right?

Phoenix: I thought you, the Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth, had gone and died! Pearl: Mr. Nick! Phoenix: I...I never wanted to see you again! Edgeworth: I think that's enough of a "warm welcome" for someone you haven't seen in a year. Phoenix: Are you going to run tomorrow's trial...? Edgeworth: ...You heard her, right? That wild mare hasn't given in yet, it seems. So, no, I don't think I'll be making an appearance. Pearl: ... Edgeworth: Your hatred for me is quite unhealthy. Not to mention one-sided. But I will say one thing... Phoenix: ... Edgeworth: You can't win on your own at the trial tomorrow. Phoenix: (What is that supposed to mean...?) Edgeworth: I have something definitive that you lack. And working together is the definition of teamwork. It's the power to find the truth. Phoenix: "The truth"...? Edgeworth: In order to understand this case, you have to understand a certain "truth". ...Well if you ever feel the need for my assistance, it is available to you. I'm not in charge of this case, so I can be a bit more generous with information. Phoenix: (Just what is going on inside his head...?) Edgeworth: A lot of things have happened, however Manfred von Karma was still my mentor. And a "perfect win record" is proof of a von Karma. Phoenix: ...One year ago, you could not establish guilt in a few cases...Are those losses the reason you suddenly disappeared from the Prosecutor's Office? Did you leave because you had lost your "perfect win record"...? Edgeworth: ... Phoenix: To think your motivation for prosecuting trials was so selfish...It'd have been better for everyone if you never came back from the dead, Edgeworth! Edgeworth: ... I see. Then let me ask you something. Why do YOU stand in the courtroom? What is your reason? Phoenix: Well, with Franziska, she almost always says, "I will defeat you this time!" the instant she sees me. But...The courtroom is not a personal battlefield for Prosecutor's and lawyers. I stand in the courtroom to defend my client. ...To save their lives. Edgeworth: To save your client, you say? Phoenix: Those who think only of their ego driven goals...Those kind of prosecutors are reprehensible to me. Even if you're a "prodigy"...Or someone like you, Edgeworth... Edgeworth: ...It looks like there is still a lot you have yet to learn.

Another long boi. I'd apologise but some of this also comes back later and I won't have to give you context ever again when it does! You'll thank me for that!

Let's get into it, shall we? Right off the bat Phoenix says point blank he thought the prosecutor Miles Edgeworth had gone and died. He even says "returned from the dead" later So I guess I lose, right? Well, hold off on that for now. There's that weird sticking point with the his title again like there was with the note, but I'm sure some of you are already thinking "he's just throwing his words back at him!" And maybe that's true, I just don't think it's that simple.

"I never wanted to see you again" are not the words of a man who believed up until now that the person he was talking to died. I mean, think about it: if you think someone died, are you going to be thinking about how you don't want to see them anymore? Even if you hate them, even if they're your least favorite person in the whole world, is that what will cross your mind? Sure, you might be relieved, maybe even happy, but you're not going to be thinking in terms of whether you want to see them again or not, because you never will. They're dead. You can't even say he's speaking for how he feels for right now exclusively, because he says never, indicating this was a long term thought he had well before Miles showed his pretty face again. In my view, he’s slipping up here.

But enough semantics, let's talk information. Here we get a lot more insight into what Phoenix Wright thinks about Miles' disappearance, something he refused to speak about in depth before. He states that he believes Miles left because he could not cope with his failure, so he ran, much like Franziska did, but it has a different edge. While Franziska's words are the ones of someone set to avenge his reputation, who clearly placed great stock in it, Phoenix views it with contempt. He sees it as cowardly, and even as a betrayal for what he should be in the courtroom based on his own statement about how a courtroom isn’t for egos. This very clearly explains why he’s been so unwilling to talk about it up until now, because it’s something that makes him angry, something Miles even recognizes as hate before Phoenix explains himself further. It’s valuable perspective, one we’ll have to get into more later, but it’s not quite enough.

Yet again I have to ask a question: does this prove one way or the other that Phoenix Wright believed Miles Edgeworth died? It’s still not looking great for me, to be honest. I feel like Phoenix Wright, scrambling to maintain my argument in the face of mounting suspicion. But like Phoenix, I’ve got my hands on one piece of decisive evidence, one that will turn everything thus far on its head, and prove that I was right!

Part Three: “At least, that’s what I told myself.”

I’ll cut straight to it. No preamble, no excessive length. These are words Nick says after Miles finishes explaining his reason for his journey of self-discovery, what he learned about his role as a prosecutor, and Nick’s importance in helping him understand that role: to find the truth.

Pearl: The "truth"... Edgeworth: Yes. That's the reason why prosecutors and defense lawyers exist. But I'm sure you knew that already, didn't you Wright? Phoenix: ... Edgeworth: That's why you couldn't forgive me; this man who went into hiding. Isn't that right? This man who only had his sights set on "victory", who ran away into the night... Pearl: Ah! Is... Is Mr. Edgeworth right, Mr. Nick...!? Phoenix: (You really let me down...) When you disappeared, I felt... betrayed. The reason I decided to become a lawyer to begin with... Was because I believed in the things you said to me, all those years ago... And you... You betrayed your own words. That's why... one year ago, I made up my mind. I decided that the Miles Edgeworth I knew had died... ...At least, that's what I told myself.

There you have it folks! Here it is! Phoenix Wright has admitted the truth! He decided that Miles Edgeworth had died! The death of Miles Edgeworth has been a false narrative that Phoenix had been telling himself this past year to cope with his feelings of personal betrayal that Miles Edgeworth left. He knew, or at least realized, that Miles was alive somewhere, and actively chose to believe the contrary because he could not accept that Miles had left and betrayed what Phoenix believed him to be.

And this explains so many of the odd points we’ve seen this whole time. For example: why didn’t Maya know anything until Turnabout Big Top? Surely if you believed your friend who you based your whole career on kicked it you would tell the people close to you, right? You wouldn’t choose to actively keep that a secret, right? Why wouldn’t he tell her? Because it wasn’t true. Yet it still obviously bothered him, so much he refused to talk about it, and got testy at even the slightest mention. He refused to frame it as beyond a vanishing, except when it would hurt Miles more (as demonstrated by him throwing his words back at him), but he still was distraught enough to mourn a death that he knew was not real. Phoenix Wright was still hurt by this, he still grieved, but it wasn’t at a real death: it was at the death of his own dream.

But what does this mean for Justice for All? How does the fact that neither Phoenix nor Franziska believe Miles is dead affect the story being told, or the themes? If he is still grieving, and Franziska is still avenging, is it not the same with only a caveat of distinction? Well…no. I would argue that this distinction plays into our themes.

Part Four: "The courtroom is not a personal battlefield for prosecutors and lawyers.”

Or so Phoenix Wright says when he’s dressing down Miles for leaving. Now obviously, this line brings to mind Franziska, a fact that’s extremely obvious when you remember he was talking about her just as he said this, so let’s talk about Franziska von Karma, the rival prosecutor of the game, who plays a pivotal role in the narrative.

As Franziska said back in part one, she did not believe Miles died, and believed that he vanished on her because his record was ruined. She believes this is a source of great shame for him, and she cannot fathom a reason beyond that for his disappearance, and this shame irritates her. Though she would never say so upfront, it’s apparent she cares greatly for her ‘little brother’ if she feels the need to avenge him. However, Franziska hasn’t given us enough information about her motivations in this scene, and to really understand them the final scene of Justice for All must be examined.

Edgeworth: ... What are you going to do now? von Karma: ... That's none of your business. Edgeworth: Are you running away? von Karma: Shut up! You don't understand a thing! You can't possibly understand what it means to be "Manfred von Karma's daughter"! Edgeworth: Franziska... von Karma: So many expectations from everyone around me... Expectations I must fulfill! I'm expected to win no matter what. And failure? Such a thing is not an option for me! My father was a genius. There's no doubt about that! But... But me... I'm no genius. I've always known that. Edgeworth: ... von Karma: But I... I had to be one. I had to. Edgeworth: ... You may not be a genius like your father... But... You are a prosecutor. You have been and always will be. von Karma:...! No, I'm not... Not anymore. I've even thrown my whip away. Edgeworth: Speaking of that... Wright gave me this to hold onto. (Wright... You knew something like this would happen, didn't you...?) von Karma: ... Edgeworth: I'm going to say this again. We prosecutors do not fight for personal honor or pride. I hope you will think deeply... About what you should be striking down with that whip. von Karma: ... You haven't changed a bit... You've always... You've always left me alone and walked on ahead without me. Miles Edgeworth... I've always hated you. Edgeworth: ... von Karma: And then... Finally, my chance to take my revenge on you arrived. If I could win against that man... If I could make Phoenix Wright bow down in defeat... Then this "girl" you left behind would have risen higher than you! That was supposed to be my "revenge"... Edgeworth: I see... von Karma: ... You know, I can't do it... I can't change who I am. I can't throw away everything I've been until today. Edgeworth: I believe you can. Just like how Adrian Andrews did. von Karma: Adrian Andrews...? Edgeworth: You were going to use her during the trial, right? But you... You were "dependant" on your father by using his tactics. Isn't that right? von Karma: Hmph! Edgeworth: Today, you chased after me, after I had left you behind all these years. And that's why we're standing here now, side by side. von Karma: ...! Edgeworth: But I have no intention of stopping. If you say you are going to quit your walk down the prosecutor's path... ... Then, this is where we part ways, Franziska von Karma. von Karma: ... I... I... I am Franziska von Karma. Don't think I'm going to walk in your shadow forever... Our battle... begins now... so you had better prepare yourself, Miles Edgeworth!

There are three key points to this scene, in regards to Franziska’s motivations. The first is as the daughter of Manfred von Karma, she feels as though she must succeed him perfectly whether it is within her capacity or not. The legacy of her family is a burden she is compelled to live up to. Manfred von Karma, shitty scumbag that he was, still has 40 years of perfect trials under his belt, and this is something she would be expected to emulate, baggage of what that entails and all. It is a fair bit of pressure, especially when you remember she became a prosecutor as a middle schooler, and is still only a teenager.

The second, which is informed by the first, is that she believes she has always been inferior to Miles, and thus in order to earn her legacy, she must surpass him. This makes sense if you remember that Manfred von Karma spent 15 years meticulously grooming Miles to be just like him just so he could spite the ghost of Gregory Edgeworth, and act that to a young child can feel like your father believes his adopted son is more capable than you are. As she said, she will not walk in his shadow forever. She will be considered his equal, and worthy.

And the third, which is informed by the second, is that she doesn’t want to be left behind by Miles again. This is both in terms of being in his shadow, like mentioned previously, but also quite literally, when he completely vanished, or even when he left to prosecute in America while she was still in Germany. As she said back in Turnabout Big Top, “I have to see ‘him’ again, one more time.” She wants to understand why he keeps leaving her behind, and thinks she will only ever get that chance if she proves herself to be above him.

And this is something she cannot do. In her own trials, with her own methods, she does not beat Phoenix Wright, and it feels obvious why she can’t, right? Because she’s behaving too much like Miles did, before Phoenix Wright taught him otherwise. She cares too much about a legacy built on perfection, with all the harm it might entail, even if she has other more sympathetic motives for her actions in this game. She’s still dependent on her father’s name, and his ideas. She can’t win if she’s still clinging onto an old, broken story, but it’s one she’s reluctant to let go. As she says, she doesn’t think she can turn from being the person she has been up until now.

It’s a narrative; one she projects onto Miles in an attempt to maintain it, even as it’s falling apart. Miles Edgeworth is not a person so much as an idea she must trounce to assert her own identity and personhood. Before the events of the first game, he represented her own failure, and the pressure to exist as a von Karma. And after it’s events, when Miles leaves to become a different man, Franziska sees this as an opportunity to finally surpass that image of him. She can’t see that maybe he’s outgrown the legacy she clings to, and doesn’t want to, because to confront that would mean having to face truths about herself. No, she must surpass him perfectly, regardless of whether the man himself even cares for perfection anymore, which he doesn’t. He doesn’t care about perfect trials and win records, only the truth, and he challenges her to follow him. Not the ideas about herself she decided he stands for, but the man he is right now, the real Miles Edgeworth.

Do you see how this relates to the thesis? Is it starting to come together? Good. Now let’s talk about Phoenix Wright.

Part Five: "We aren't some sort of heroes.”

I want to open with a short exchange I missed during Farewell my Turnabout, where I got the title quote. It’s important, trust me.

Phoenix: I became a lawyer because I thought... I thought I could save people who were suffering and in pain... Pearl: ... Phoenix: But... When I look at this mess we're in... I can't even protect the person closest to me. Even if I win the case, I still lose in the end... I just don't know what to do! Edgeworth: ... Wright. Would you get a hold of yourself? You have it all wrong. Phoenix: Huh? Edgeworth: We aren't some sort of heroes. We're only human, you and I. You want to "save someone"? That's something easier said than done, wouldn't you say? Pearl: Th-That's... Edgeworth: You are a defense lawyer. You can't run away from that. You can only fight. That's all you can do.

I chose this quote from Miles because it highlights the obvious flaw in Nick’s motivations: he’s not a savior, he’s just a man. Phoenix Wright, as noble as it may be, until this point has labored under the conception that it is his job, his moral imperative, to save people, whether that is something he can even manage or not. Like Franziska clinging to perfection, this is an untenable mindset. You cannot save people, certainly not everyone who comes your way needing help. You can try, but it’s not guaranteed, and it’s not your duty to do so.

Farewell my Turnabout is a trial of Nick’s existing motivations, because his client is not someone who should be saved, yet he must succeed in doing so, or else Maya will die, yet of course if he does so, he will be dooming Adrian Andrews to a conviction for a crime she did not commit. By forcing him in this position, his belief about what his role as a defense attorney has been challenged: he cannot save them both. Who is more worthy of saving? How do you decide that? And even if you decide, is your decision the right one? Is that something you have the right to decide?

It’s significant that the only way to get the good, true ending is by prioritizing the truth instead of his savior complex. Yes, by showing de Killer the truth, he is able to save them both, he does not have to give up anything, yet he’s only permitted this if he sticks with what’s true. His failure in pursuing the truth leads to the worst ending, where Engarde gets off, Andrews is convicted, and he never sees Maya again even if she’s alive. He loses everything. The reason why it doesn’t matter whether you say guilty or not guilty, even when saving only one was a serious factor, because who you choose to save matters less in the grand scheme of things than making the truth known. It’s neat.

Okay, but how does this relate to Miles? How does Nick’s savior complex, and learning to prioritize the truth relate to Miles? Well, I have only one thing to say: who is the person Phoenix Wright wanted to save by becoming a lawyer? See, Nick might say he wanted to save ‘people’, and I’m sure that’s true. That class trial in his youth had such a profound impact on him he would never want anyone to feel as lost and alone as he did. But the reason he became a defense attorney is Miles Edgeworth. Because in their youth, Miles saved him from the crushing despair of the class trial by wielding the idea of a defense attorney. Because when they grew up, Phoenix learned that Miles did not become a defense attorney, but a prosecutor, dead set on getting guilty verdicts without caring about who might pay for it. Because when he learned this is what Miles Edgeworth became, he had to meet him and find out why.

What is the plot of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney? Well, it’s about several things, but in this case, I’m referring to the wish to save Edgeworth. They meet again after 15 long years, and though Miles sucks ass especially in Turnabout Sisters, Phoenix manages to pull out signs the old Miles still exists in Turnabout Samurai. Then of course, in Turnabout Goodbyes Nick saves Miles not just from a guilty verdict for the murder of Robert Hammond, but from the belief he murdered his father, clearing up the trauma that plagued and motivated him into becoming what he became after all this time. And if we include Rise from the Ashes, Miles steps up to the plate to find the truth for the first time, if only because it feels personal. In fact, you can say he well surpassed his stated goal of just understanding why Miles became what he did. Phoenix Wright saved Miles Edgeworth; he did the thing he believes he is supposed to do.

Except…he didn’t, because Miles left. Because it turns out people are not so easily saved, and even if you clear up their trauma they still have the aftermath to figure out on their own. They still have to make peace with the life they lead up until that point. Miles left, and as has been well established, Phoenix took that as a personal betrayal. The ideals that Miles taught him as a child were not something Miles could live up to. Nick believed Miles left because he really did become someone wholly invested in perfection and never did see the error of his ways. The boy of his youth doesn’t exist anymore, and hasn’t for many years, and Miles leaving forced him to see that, but it wasn’t something he wanted to accept. If he did not fix Miles, which he took Miles disappearing as proof as that, then Miles might as well be dead.

The idea that Miles killed himself is a falsehood Nick engages in for a year because he is not ready to face the idea that maybe his preconceptions about who Miles Edgeworth is supposed to be right now are wrong. Miles isn’t a man who has to work through some shit, he’s a symbol of the ideals that Nick has striven to embody his entire life, and he left and threw that away despite all of Nick’s efforts. This is not something Phoenix was willing to accept.

He’s so unwilling to accept it that he’s very mad when confronted by anything that might remotely suggest he’s wrong. Franziska is a reminder that Miles left, and of the person Phoenix believed him to be for vanishing, and she stubbornly exists he still exists somewhere, and he is still like her, and that is all far too much for him. It’s too much that Maya innocently wants to know where he is, or what he’s up to, because if he has to think about it he���ll just sit in his anger again about how he feels betrayed that Miles could not live up to the ideal Nick imposed on him. Heck even when faced with the man in question he starts arguing with him about what Miles was trying to accomplish by leaving, and isn’t willing to accept the answer he gets at first. The person in front of him is not someone Phoenix Wright is willing to engage with on his own terms. Nick must be a savior, and if he didn’t save Miles, then that means Miles was beyond saving: Miles was dead all along. He’d rather kill him off than face he’s changed, that those ideals are not infallible.

And Miles Edgeworth did change, and change yet again. Yes, he turned into the demon prosecutor, after the events of AA1, while he was gone, he worked on becoming the man who stands for the truth above all else, one who doesn’t abide by any falsehoods. Whether it’s the lies in someone’s testimony, or the beliefs people project onto him, he cuts them down. He’s not a savior, he says so himself, and some of his actions in pursuit of the truth can be pretty cruel, like how he was going to expose Adrian. This isn’t the person either Nick or Franziska wanted him to be, but he is the one they needed him to be to realize their own faults. He was the one who enabled Nick to fight impossible odds, and encouraged Franziska to find another path. He advocates for the truth, and by asserting himself and what he believes, he puts Nick and Franziska on the right path to understanding the real message of the game.

Edgeworth: I had fun tonight. Now, if you'll excuse me... Phoenix: Wait. Edgeworth: What? Phoenix: ... I just want to say... Thanks, Edgeworth. You really saved me out there. Edgeworth: ...Hmph. If anyone should be saying thanks, it should be me, Wright.

Conclusion: “But we will always eventually reach that one single truth.”

Learning and accepting the truth is the moral of the story, one that permeates all three major characters of the game. Isn’t it cool? That both Nick and Franziska decide to accept Miles Edgeworth on his own terms, and become stronger people as a result? Isn’t it fucking cool how the theme even connects to the main characters’ personal denials and inability to accept how things might change, and how they weren’t willing to confront the truth about it until they were made to? Is it not sick as hell that Nick shows Miles the truth about what his life is and what he’s been doing, thus inspiring Miles to become better, and then Miles comes back and returns the favor to let Nick see that his savior complex is detrimental to his actual work and to his own wellbeing? Does that not fucking slap? Doesn’t Justice for All deserve just extreme respect for this cool ass subtle storytelling?

The single truth of this essay is that Justice for All is really fucking good dude holy shit. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. If you still somehow don’t agree with me…I’m sorry you cannot recognize the greatness that is Justice For All get well soon. Thanks for reading.

[captnjacksparrow]

Itachi was a victim of circumstances more than anything else. I've realised his traumatic childhood is often ignored by his antis. Like how his father was so casual about using him.

Fugaku is a terrible person. And in his last moments, he momentarily gaslighted Itachi into thinking he cared about him. I don't think it was genuine really. What do you think of this and of Fugaku?

Like how his father was so casual about using him.

Gosh!!! @dinainwater You have no idea how much I felt irritated when people write essays about How Sasuke's father was innocent. And I always grit my teeth to the point of bleeding because it's not at all true. Like I said in many posts, this Uchiha family dynamics is 95% similar to my own family and that's why I can see through what Fugaku was thinking in every scene and used Itachi like a tool. Sorry, 'Pipeline' is the better word.

And what is mean by 'Pipeline' here? Meaning, 'A Spy'.

He is asking his own Son to spy on the village and report back the findings in their Clan Meeting. And it is as clear as day that Itachi doesn't like that idea, not even one bit. And with a person like Fugaku, You really cannot argue or voice out your opinion very easily and that's why Itachi cleverly diverted the conversation towards Sasuke. The worst part of this scene is, Fugaku is using one of his son as a tool and completely ignoring his younger son.

I've been in this kind of situation a lot and Itachi must be feeling like he was sitting on a firepit and wants to run away ASAP.

And then comes the next wave of disgust,

So, we get a new piece of information that Uchiha Shisui committed suicide and left a Suicide note. He was also like a Big brother to Itachi as cited by his own clan members which means they were training together and have some closer bond for some time. At this point, we don’t know anything about Shisui that whether he really committed suicide or killed by Itachi. But somehow the mention of his name made Itachi uncomfortable.  

Maybe Itachi killed him or not. But with the way he cares about Sasuke, I gave him the benefit of doubt that he might not have killed him.

This is where I wanted to break my laptop... These guys sent Shisui as a spy to watch over Itachi. Like sending their own clan member to spy on another one of their own. I was like, ‘What kind of Delusional piece of shits these guys are? Itachi was already a spy and on top of that Shisui too’.... I am pretty sure without the approval of the Clan Leader, these guys don’t dare to do these. And, in the novels, it was confirmed that Fugaku indeed sent Shisui as a spy to watch over Itachi. 

This is where I pretty much confirmed Itachi had a very strong reason to massacre his own clan. There’s something shady about these guys and they didn’t give 2 fucks about Shusui’s death or his suicide note. 

When Itachi said these lines, I instantly knew Itachi’s motivations behind his act is not something that happened on a whim but for some deeper cause. And I also knew, Sasuke’s revenge is not going to be fruitful and instead he was going to suffer a lot.

And now comes to the third wave of disgust

So, Fugaku knew that Itachi was behaving strangely for the past 6 months and yet he didn’t bother to ask him ‘Why are you being like this? What do you want? What do you feel about this job?’ 

As a parent, he didn’t provide any emotional support to his own son and was completely insensitive about Itachi’s feelings. If he did ask him, Why couldn’t Fugaku trust his own son’s feelings and stop the Coup? If he couldn’t understand his own son and treated him like a tool, how is he different from Danzo? 

So, Yes!!! People ignores this Part 1 flashback entirely. I’ve never once come across any posts which used these panels for any discussion. Whereas these panels were very important in establishing Itachi as a character and Fugaku as a bad father. And this is before knowing the Truth behind Uchiha Massacre. 

All these panels screams, Itachi after joining ANBU, he became strange. His father is pressurizing him into doing something he doesn’t like. His clan members are even more shady as fuck by not even trusting Itachi and were being completely insensitive about Shisui’s death. Itachi finally explodes by saying, ‘Obsessing over Clan is bad’.

And in his last moments, he momentarily gaslighted Itachi into thinking he cared about him. I don't think it was genuine really. What do you think of this and of Fugaku?

I think he wasn’t gaslighting him. I think Fugaku is genuinely reflecting his insensitiveness towards both of his Sons. Because he didn’t care about Itachi's feelings enough to change his and the clan member’s mind about the Coup and he also didn’t care about Sasuke and his future.

Did Fugaku thought about the safety of Sasuke’s life if the war erupts in the future?

Or did he thought about the possibility of failure of the Coup?

If the Coup failed, then Sasuke would also be considered as a traitor and would have been killed.

If the Coup succeeded by some chance, by killing people from their own village, the survivors would resent Uchiha clan to the hell and would try to avenge by killing anyone from Uchiha Clan and that includes Sasuke as well. 

I believe he is making amends for his failure as a Father by understanding the pain he put Itachi through so far and for an unforseeable future.

Also, he realizes that he never properly cared Sasuke and neglected him many times whereas he knew Itachi took great care of his Brother. It's just that his way of saying 'I failed to take care of Sasuke, atleast you will'.

Fugaku is accepting his failures but he looked stoic and expressionless, which gives off this insincere vibe. But most Asian Fathers are like this. They look very proud and smug at whatever they do. Sigh!!!

[dancingazaleas]

𖨆. 06 / all for us

summary: you wake up in your room, and you can’t help but try again. even if you might meet a strange doctor and their assistant.

note: another dark chapter. please read the warnings.

taglist: @voltairelesecond @baelo80 @the-sun-baby @stupid-stinky @uniquepickle @ascybous @messyhairday-me @saturnalya @megumitodoroki @kouyume

word count: +2.5k

warnings/notes: cursing, mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide attempt, blood, suicidal thoughts, panic attack, suicide attempt, medical inaccuracies, a little graphic detail of glass being pulled from skin

YOU'RE disappointed whenever you awaken from your temporary slumber. you were sure that you were close to death with that blade on your vein, but it turns out you were wrong. well, that's what you think until you look at your arm.

each one of the cuts is stitched up neatly while the bandages trying to wrap around them are loose. you sit up while inspecting some of the bloodied bandages on your hand, must've been from whenever you broke the mirror.

you sigh sleepily, staring at the bedroom door in hopes that someone will come entertain you even just for a moment. luckily, your wish is granted whenever you watch erwin slip into the door silently.

he's trying to be silent, that much is obvious by how he's not wearing any shoes and instead socks along with him shutting the door gently. he turns to you, flinching at how your eyes bore into his head even as you lay down.

"you're awake it seems," he smiles and sits on the edge of the bed, large hand caressing your pale cheeks.

you start to sit up only to be fussed at by erwin, who softly shoves you back against the bed.

"how am i still alive," you stare into the ceiling.

"when you passed out, we managed to get ahold of our friend that's a doctor," of fucking course. of course they'd have a doctor friend, how the fuck else would they get roofies?!

"when can i get out of bed," you lay your hands on the collar around your neck.

"tomorrow, we didn't expect you to wake up today."

"how long have i been dead for?"

"an incorrect term to describe you, however you've been out for a day. our friend told us with your mental struggles it might take longer for you to wake up," he sighs and rolls his head while a gentle smile forms on his face.

"can you turn on a show for me? don't care what," you look to the ceiling fan.

"of course," erwin says in slight concern. he'd expected you to, at the least, shed some tears, whether it be from happiness or sadness. but you weren't reacting at all.

"you know.... when i was younger people didn't like me," you sigh, "but i was okay with it. as long as i didn't get hurt, i didn't care all that much."

"why are you telling me this?"

ignoring him, you let out a small and bitter chuckle, "when i got into high school, i made friends with a boy who had a twin brother. his name was marcel, he was so sweet and kind.

"he's dead now. it tore his brother apart, i'd never seen porco in that much pain before."

mistakenly, erwin ponders, "how did he pass?"

it's the first time you turn your head to stare at him with those dead fish eyes of your's. you looked almost sinister as you burned holes into erwin's head.

"suicide."

erwin left your room with stiff shoulders that night.

————

two days later, you're standing to look at yourself in the bathroom mirror. you're surprised they didn't take the glass away from you, but you're sure it's for brushing your teeth or something.

as you stare at yourself, you allow your shoulders to shake as they hold up your arms leaning on the sink.

you wonder what your friends would say at seeing you like this. so desperate to get out that you're willing throw away everything you have just to get it.

there's an itch at the back of your mind, festering up against the walls over your brain.

'they'd think you look pathetic,' the itch, now a voice, whispers.

"porco wouldn't," you whimper. porco's been through this process before, he gets it, he understands. right?

'marcel died by his own hands in order to cleanse himself from his sadness. he'd look down upon you for comparing this to his case,' you squeeze your eyes shut and put your hands over your ears.

"pieck wouldn't. she's by my side forever," you sob.

'pieck fought with you before your disappearance. she called you a fuck-up. look at yourself, you'll find that she's right,' and with bated breath you look up.

you sob, shooting your arm back that's clenched into a fist. you punch the glass, which flies all onto your arm and hand. you storm out of your bathroom in fear, stumbling as you look at the stool used for your vanity.

you take it hastily, setting it up the ceiling fan and standing on it. with rushed movements, you wrap the chain connecting with the metal collar around the base of the fan. you step off of the stool, kicking it away with your foot while you choke.

you're starting to black out when you see levi run in with erwin, and you pray to the heavens that you'll wake up in hell.

————

once again, you're disappointed. you whimper weakly while crying, you just wanted to die. you don't want to be trapped in here anymore, you just want to escape.

your throat burns. and before you can try to test your voice, someone's unlocking the door while letting out an almost wicked laugh.

the door swings open to reveal a person, who's long brown hair is pulled into a messy ponytail and wearing circled glasses on their face along with an eyepatch. behind them follows a much meeker man, one that's reprimanding their actions as they shout loudly in excitement at the realization that you're awake.

"moblit!! she's already awake," the person hoots to the man behind them, who you're going to assume is moblit.

"i can see that hanji! now, quiet down! you're probably scaring her," moblit scolds the person named hanji, who ignores the warnings.

"hello, my darling~! i'm your doctor, hanji zoë but feel free to call me hanji! do you have any recollection of what happened," they sing excitedly, shoving their face close to you.

you nod nervously, who the fuck was this person.

"i apologize for their behavior, they act almost as a dog," moblit emphasizes while pulling hanji away by their shoulder.

"we came to see if you sustained anymore damage onto your body besides your neck," he looks you over.

you hold up your hand, smeared with your dry blood. hanji gently takes it into their hands, frowning deeply at what they see.

"get my tweezers for me, moblit. she's still got some tiny pieces of glass in the wounds. i'm sure that's why you were hurting so bad before we came in, huh," hanji attaches a magnifying glass to their glasses while slipping on medical gloves. you'd just woken up, but you weren't gonna tell them that.

moblit hands them a tray along with tweezers, not to mention hydrogen peroxide.

"tisk tisk! that shorty and eyebrows really don't know how to put hydrogen peroxide in! losers," they cackle at the end, which has moblit slapping a hand down onto their shoulder.

"alright alright!" they smack it away, taking your hand—palm faced down—gently while adjusting their magnifying glass.

you scream as they start to pull out a piece of glass, not exactly expecting them to be either big or long. you sit up on your elbow to look, you don't exactly trust this person.

your scream has levi and erwin bursting in the door just as hanji pulls out a smaller piece of glass, that they had to dig a bit for and it made you cry.

"what'd you do?! what are you doing?!" levi bombards while erwin rushes to your side.

"well, i'm trying to concentrate on getting some of this glass out of her skin. unless you want it to get infected, i'm going to continue. it just hurts," hanji says in frustration, bringing your hand closer to their face.

"oh, thank god," erwin sighs in relief but immediately jumps at the sound of your teary shout.

"it's okay, you'll be okay," he reassures, wiping a tear away with his thumb.

bursting with slight anger and immense pain, you snap at him, "don't you think i know that?! it just hurts!!"

both erwin and levi look shocked at your outburst just as you hiss in pain again.

sighing, hanji looks at you, "okay, i saved this one for last since it'll be the most painful to get out."

"just get it over with," you sob, squeezing your free and bandaged hand into a fist.

you knew it was going to hurt, they'd just told you. however, you didn't realize that somehow a piece of glass managed to get stuck in the wound with one side of it being lunged under unharmed skin. it was like trying to get out one paper out of a stack.

you scream again, letting yourself fall onto your back again and swinging your arm over your eyes. biting your lip, you breathe heavy with shaky sobs.

"this is worse than giving birth," you cry.

"it's definitely comparable," hanji humors you while they poke at the glass.

it makes you chuckle a little, considering they're the one putting you through this.

whenever they pull the piece of glass out, it feels like an immense weight has been taken off you as you relax your body. you hiss at the hydrogen peroxide, but it's much better than the pulling of the glass. you reach up to your collar, only to realize that they've detached the chain connecting to it.

you're frustrated, even more so whenever hanji pulls away from you and acts like this is a totally normal occurrence. you're kidnapped for god's sake, shouldn't they be calling the police?

you let your eyes wander around the room, and when they set on levi, you tense. you scoot away from erwin, since he's on the same side of the bed as him, and place yourself at the edge of the bed.

"alright, we need to talk to you about some things," erwin brushes some of your hair behind your ear, completely ignoring your fear of levi.

"first things first, you can't be trusted alone," levi grunts and leans against the wall with his arms crossed.

"which means, you'll be spending time with levi during the day until i get home or if i request to see you," erwin cautiously and slowly says.

your eyes widen while they shoot between levi and erwin, absolute fear swarming your body.

"i only hit you whenever you disobey," he scoffs, "i believe pain is the best way to teach someone a lesson."

"he won't hurt you unless you give him a reason to," erwin tells you reassuringly. it doesn't work well.

"please, don't hurt me. i'll be good, just don't hurt me," you croak while looking to levi, who softens a bit at the statement.

"don't worry then," he nods, "now go back to sleep. i'm sure you're tired after all that screaming. you'll be with me at eight in the morning."

you nod, shakily grabbing ahold of the remote on your bed and turning your tv on. levi slips out of the room without a word while erwin stays back.

"good night, my love. get some rest," he whispers, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead.

you hum in response, scrolling through the selection of movies on the netflix account levi and erwin provided for you. you choose a rom-com movie, seeing as you don't actually plan on staying up just to watch it.

you turn onto your side and close your eyes.

and for the first time, you rest easy.

the next morning, levi leads you through the home by hooking his pinky with your's. you were slightly thankful at the gesture. he knew that you were nowhere ready to be fully touched by him and that you weren't allowed to leave his side.

you sit on the love seat in his office, shyly taking the tv remote from his hands when he offers.

"watch anything, just don't turn it up too loud," he sits at his chair with a sigh as you scroll through movies on hulu.

you choose the movie footloose while you get comfortable on the couch. you try to ignore the small shivers running up and down your body as you're not covered up with a blanket.

you glance over to one of the bookshelves levi has up against the wall, trying to find if levi had any good reads. but before you could read the titles printed on the spines, a certain book that poked out from behind the others caught your eye.

'memories' the fraying writing was a messy cursive on the spine, something you assume levi wrote.

you get yourself lost in thought while staring at the bookshelf. if the book was in levi's office and in levi's handwriting, that means it has to be a scrapbook. and that it's levi's.

your eyes shine at the realization, but you try not to let it show. you'll wait for levi to get the two of you lunch before you'll look at it.

and so, you wait with patience. it seems so grueling as the time passes and you switch from movie to movie, but you hope it'll be worth it in the end. you hope that it explains why levi is the way he is.

"i'm going to make our lunch. the door's lock behind me since it's a keypad. stay put," levi says with slight annoyance, walking out of the room grumpily.

at the sound of the door locking, you jump to your feet and race to the bookshelf. you carefully pull the book out of its place, immediately flipping it open to the first page.

and there levi was, in all of his glory. levi was a baby in the photo, closed eyes and a peaceful look on his face as he curled into himself.

turning the page, you almost gasp at the image you see. levi's being fed by a gorgeous woman, who you can only assume is his mother. the next picture on the page shows levi wearing raggedy clothes with greasy hair shining in the sun as he crouched to hold stare disgustedly at a bug on his finger.

it made you giggle, but the next photo made you frown. levi, who looked to be at the age of five, was standing next to an older man with a casket behind them. you look at the note written under it.

'mom's funeral,' it reads, and you feel an immense amount of pity.

the next picture is a picture of levi at the age of seven standing in front of a beat up school with dirty and ripped clothing. his hair is long enough to be a mullet in this and his body looks so frail compared to now. levi's face shows not a hint of emotion, instead his eyes stare right through the camera and back at your's.

you jump whenever a book on the shelf falls onto its side. you hiss while rushing to put it back up, and as soon as you do, one from the top shelf falls onto the ground somehow. you hurriedly grab it and reach up to it on your tip toes, but you're barely able to reach.

you curse while you use the bottom of the bookshelf as a stool, not even realizing just how old this thing seemed and how much you weighed.

you sigh in relief whenever it doesn't fall down, it only wobbles a little as you step back onto the ground. you go to put the scrapbook away, but you notice that the stand hasn't stopped wobbling. it wobbles almost hauntingly back and forth, and that's when you realize it's going to fall on top of you.

you gasp while dashing to the floor while you slide out of the way, not even realizing that the scrapbook was being bricked by your arms holding it to your chest.

you cringe at the loud bang it makes as it falls, but the cringe turns to fear whenever you hear the pounding footsteps of levi.

you can't get up on your feet quick enough as he bursts through the door. his eyes dart to you on the floor and then back to the fallen bookshelf.

"what did you fucking do?! are you that stupid?!!" this has to be the loudest you've ever heard levi speak, and it makes you nervous.

tears well up in your eyes as you stare at him, completely petrified at how you might be beaten once more.

you hope levi spares you, just this once.

[finalexit]

just some thoughts about izuku and bakugou and the fandom

TW: bullying/abuse, mentions of sui and self harm, trauma

I made a similar post to this a couple of days ago, but I wanted to say more on the topic, and I wanted to do it without purposefully trying to avoid my post being seen by other fans.

Before I say anything, I want to clarify what this post is NOT about: an/ti or an/tian/ti discourse, shipping wars, or even ships, honestly. I will touch on bak/ude/ku, obviously, but mostly to talk about the trend I see in the fandom, not to speak on the ship itself. So, if you're reading this, please don't turn this post into that. Those are valid conversations to have to be sure, but I want to have a different conversation here.

Like the content warnings suggest, this is about bullying. And this is about abuse. If anyone is reading this, I have little doubt that you are highly likely to have been bullied in your lifetime, since 1 in 3 children (in the US) report being bullied. Because bullying is such a prevalent phenomenon, it's oftentimes seen as almost a rite of passage, something difficult but ultimately survivable that everyone goes through, and so it doesn't need to be worried about.

In recent years, there have been a lot of efforts to systematically end peer-on-peer abuse, primarily because of how many suicides were related to it. Still, there are undoubtedly people who question the severity of bullying and oftentimes only think it's truly harmful if it involves physical abuse.

To speak personally for a second here, I remember, in high school, having to write a paper on whether I thought the rising number of suicides in relation to bullying was due to bullying becoming increasingly worse or if it was due to people being more sensitive. It was kind of bizarre, as someone who was bullied throughout pretty much my entire academic career by various people, to have to almost defend myself and other bullying victims - to have to say No we are not more "sensitive" (which honestly is pretty much a euphemism for "weak" in this case), it's just that bullying fucking sucks and now, with cyberbullying, it doesn't even end when you're outside of school.

Anyway, I say all this to say that bullying, despite its proven fatality, isn't always taken very seriously. But I'll say it here, plain as day, for anyone who needs to hear it: bullying is abuse. Izuku was abused by Bakugo from age 4 to age 14. A literal decade of abuse. What do you think that does to a person? Looking at the statistics as well as drawing from first-hand experience (which I'm sure a lot of you would be able to validate), there's an increased risk of social anxiety, depression, somatic symptoms (like stomach aches, headaches, sleeping difficulties, etc.), self harm, and suicidality.

Though some may view bullying as harmless or not on par with other types of abuse, it actually can be more impactful than receiving abuse by adults as a child. Regardless of how people see bullying, the effects are detrimental and they stay with you for years.

But, to bring it back to the point of this post, I want to talk about how it affected Izuku specifically. What I love about BNHA is how clear Bakugo's effects on him are. From the very beginning, once Izuku inherits OFA, he is reckless. Limb after limb is broken, finger after finger. Though he would often get a lot of his injuries healed right away, it's important to note that each fracture is still unbelievably painful, and he willingly tosses himself into it anyway.

Of course, this is partially a product of the reality that he didn't know how to properly use OFA. I think, even if he hadn't been bullied, he most likely would've done the same thing. But, I think what's important to note is his mentality. While others would be at least somewhat concerned about their safety and would want to avoid the pain of fractures, Izuku's reason for learning how to properly use OFA is not for his own wellbeing but to give himself a fighting chance at being a better hero (after all, we have a limited amount of limbs). That and the fact that recovery girl wouldn't heal anymore of those self-inflicted injuries.

And this theme of sacrificing oneself for the benefit of others remains prevalent and is probably Izuku's fatal flaw. In his eyes, he lives to save and protect, to be useful, which I think is the essence of a hero. But, I think there's also a darker underbelly of this mindset: the idea that he is never the one to be saved, that others are meant to be protected and saved, not him. He helps others, he is not meant to be helped. And I think that that's... completely understandable. If you spend your formative years being demeaned, especially by someone you respect and had considered a friend, and never having anyone defend you, even teachers, it would be almost impossible not to think of yourself as worthless.

And that, I believe, is the core of Izuku's self-destruction, his self-harm (since sometimes self-harm isn't as overt as cutting). You break your bones, you jump into situations you have no chance of surviving on your own, you look up to the people who step on you, you work for the sake of others without tending to yourself, you sacrifice your happiness if it means that others are happy, and you do all of these things because it doesn't matter if you're hurt. You are worth nothing, you are below everyone else, and so it's okay if you're hurt as long as other people benefit from it. It's actually better that way.

I don't think Izuku is consciously hurting himself, but I think this lacking sense of self-worth is so ingrained in him that all of these harmful habits are second nature to him. They're such a natural part of his life that he doesn't even think to question it, while his friends, who have a clearer view of his tendency to throw himself into things without regard for himself, are watching him breakdown and spiral.

Everyone but Izuku realizes how messed up this all is, but no one realizes that Bakugo is largely to blame for this (of course, he wasn't the only bully, and those who let Izuku be bullied are also to blame, but let's not act like Bakugo wasn't his main abuser and the one leading everyone else to bully Izuku).

That said, this conversation is also not about whether Bakugo is redeemable (though, with the recent manga chapters, I guess he's already been redeemed?). I don't really care either way, to be honest, and this post is really more about Izuku than it is Bakugo.

What this conversation is about is how this portion of Izuku and Bakugo's relationship, despite it actually being the longest part of their relationship with no other part of their relationship (their time as childhood friends and their time as "rivals") even coming close. The more I see of the manga, I do think part of the problem is that the story itself kind of sweeps it under the rug, but I haven't read or watched everything, so I don't want to comment on that too much. But, I can at least say that it's a trend that's pretty prevalent in the fandom, especially among the fans who ship b/k/d/k or who are huge Bakugo fans. Certainly, not everyone in these groups do that, but... it's a Lot.

I'm not joking when I say that I've seen posts defending Bakugo, saying that bullying isn't as bad as abuse (when in fact, bullying itself is abuse), that he isn't actually a bully, that Izuku brought it on himself in some way, that it's fine now because Bakugo apologized, etc. The most I've seen b/k/d/k fans acknowledge Bakugo's bullying was when talking about how he apologized, using that as a sort of "gotcha" to an/tis.

I think that, with how the abuse has gone on to directly contribute to Izuku's insecurities and his fatal flaw of sacrificing himself, it really needs to be acknowledged more and treated with the appropriate seriousness. Izuku is traumatized by his youth spent with Bakugo, so how can you skim past that? When talking about Izuku and Bakugo's relationship, whether you're addressing them as friends, rivals, or lovers, why would you leave out literally 71% of their time together? When talking about Bakugo, why would you push aside and make light of the fact that he was a bully when he spent (also literally) 58% of his life up to this point as a bully and abuser.

To be clear, this isn't to say that people who like Bakugo are bad, and I hope that's incredibly obvious. What I'm saying is that bullying is such a formative part of both of Izuku and Bakugo's lives, and it's skimmed over for convenience. Or, if not completely skimmed over, it's thrown around lightly. It's mind boggling to me because it really is the most prevalent part of their relationship, and the conversation around their interactions isn't complete if you leave out something that essential.

TL;DR: I wish the fandom (and the series itself) would stop skimming over the fact that Izuku was traumatized and abused for over a decade by Bakugo because that has had a huge impact on both of their character development, but especially Izuku's.

Oh, and here are my sources concerning bullying if you want them: Link 1, Link 2