#i don't know why I'm so embarrassed posting this
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Hellooo! Your writing is sooo fun to read that I've been rereading it multiple times now🤭🤭🤭 sooo I kinda wanted to request another post about reader fighting back against the bullies with crowe this time if that's okay, and take your time!
(ps, it's also okay if you ignore this, i hope you have a wonderful day/evening/night! ❤️❤️❤️)
GUARDIAN ANGEL
KYAAA THANK U SM GIGGLING TWIRLING MY HAIR KICKING MY FEET ♡!! I LOVE CROWE SO MUCH BROO!!! Did u know my first fic ever posted here was supposed to be with Crowe but I changed it to Sol instead cz I thought ppl wouldn't like it sobsob
☆: "Someone is creeping you out while hanging out with Crowe, surely you should teach them a lesson, no?"
★: Crowe x gn!reader
☆: Contains: Baddie reader yurr !! Downbad Crowe, creepy dudes, post friend group plot, mutual pining I need to breed him
The bell's ring echoed throughout the entire school, indicating lunch time as students hurriedly pack their things to rush towards their friends and eat at the cafeteria. You were calmer than your unruly classmates, screaming and yelling in excitement as they rushed to their groups and cliques. "Its like they've never experienced the lunch bell go off"
You mused to yourself, happy enough to know that you at least have one friend in your school. Yet he still hasn't shown his pretty little face in your classroom yet, usually he'd pick you up and walk you to the cafeteria, but it seems that isn't the case this time.
"Yo, (Name), I usually see your boyfie pick you up at this time, wonder why he isn't here" your seatmate puts his arm on your head, practically using you as an armrest, making you groan and push him away with red dusting your cheeks "Can it! He's not my...boyfriend.."
Your heart rate picked up as you muttered those words as an evident flush on your cheeks got redder, gaining you a knowing stare from your seatmate as a laugh escaped his throat, smacking your back playfully "Yeah. Sure. And I'm the president of the United States," he marked sarcastically, waving his arms dramatically.
You scoffed, standing up from your seat, and walked your way out of the classroom door, ignoring the cheerful yells and encouragements from your seatmate. "Get yo mans!" He echoed out to you, which promptly made you walk faster in embarrassment.
It didn't take you too long to notice him standing by a vending machine. Taking your chance, you tiptoed your way behind him and gipped his shoulders. "There you are!" You yelled, making him flinch in surprise, snapping his head towards you. His shocked expression made you laugh at his dismay.
He merely sighed and shook his head with a small smile on his face, "You're such a tease, (Name)" his voice was smooth as honey, eyes glinting in nothing but adoration. Oh how you looked divine when you laughed.
"Says you! It's not nice to keep me waiting for that long, you know! Hurt my feelings a bit.." you playfully sulked as a joke, but Crowe seemingly took it too seriously, brows furrowing as an apologetic expression dressed his face "I didn't mean to, there were just some things I had to do before going to you"
Seeing his obviously saddened face made you panic a bit "No—! It was a joke, don't worry! I didn't mind looking for you anyway. " You were quick to reassure, trying to ease his worries a bit, but he simply shook his head. "Still, I shouldn't have made you wait so long. You deserve only the best, (Name)"
His voice is so genuine, and how he stared at you sent shivers down your spine. He's always like this, always putting your needs before himself, always putting you on his first priority before anything else. Curse him and his prince-like behavior!
But before you could ask what he was up to, you felt a random hand hit your ass, laughter, and whistles could be heard as you snapped your head towards the source in anger.
A group of sloppy looking men with dirty uniforms and rolled up sleeves showing their tattoos chortled and snorted at you, as if their making fun of you getting angry with their disgusting actions. "Aww, what's wrong, doll? Wasn't hard enough? I can be more rough if you like"
The main, blonde guy leaned in closer to your face as you winced at the strong smell of his breath. Your expression made them laugh harder, giving each other high fives and fists bumps as if making you uncomfortable is an achievement.
"What do you think you're doing...?"
A hand protectively held your shoulder, making you look up. Crowe's eyes were nothing compared to what you're used to. Eyes that were once filled with love and softness were now filled with pure, raw anger. Yet, he was still gentle with you, carefully maneuvering you to stay behind him, protecting you like a shield.
The boys took one glance at him and scanned him head to toe, judging his every move. The blonde whistled and clicked his tongue, staggering towards the taller male "Watch it, golden boy. You may be class rep or whatever bullshit title they gave you. But these parts are my territory, so I make the goddamn fuckin' rules here." He practically spat out, his lackies cheering him on with vulgar words and descriptions.
If Crowe is pissed, then you're seething.
You hated being insulted, yes, but you hated it even more when people belittle those you care about. So without thinking, you stepped forward and faced the blonde head on, catching Crowe off guard.
"My territory! blah blah, you pissed on this school and claimed it yours like a dog then?"
A sound of surprise was heard from the blonde, even gaining a gasp from their lackies. Clearly, they weren't expecting you to fight back. Crowe got worried, fearing that you might be in danger now. "(Name)—"
"You think you're so fucking funny?"
Without knowing, the blonde grabbed you by the collar and slammed you against the vending machine. Hard glass hitting the back of your head made you groan. Yet you still managed to stare at your attacker dead in the eyes, not running away from a fight you intend to win.
He mocked you with a laugh "Doll, you look so cute when you're angry, but one more goddamn word from your mouth and I'm bashing your fucking skull inside this machine" he threatened, his spit sliding onto your face.
"Yeah? 'Cause I'm about to get real fuckin' adorable"
You raised your foot and kicked him between his legs. A pained groan could be heard as he instinctively dropped you back onto your feet, groveling in pain. But before he could fight back, you grabbed his hair and smashed his head so hard onto the vending machine it broke through the glass. Knocking him out.
You dusted yourself off before turning to the two, shivering lackies, huddling together in an attempt to look smaller and hide from your view. "Who's next?" A malicious smile etched your features, making them scream and run away with their tails between their legs, yelling out apologies and pleads for mercy until they disappeared.
You stood still for a moment, taking in a deep breath to ground yourself. Turning your head to look at the blonde's unconscious body and winced "Yikes...didn't mean to hit him that hard" you played with his arm, lifting and dropping it like a toy.
"Yoo, check it out, Crowe! He's now a—"
"Why did you do that?!" You glanced at him in confusion, eyes locking onto wide and worried ones. "Ehh? They were talking smack about you! I had to do something!" You responded with crossed arms and a pout on your lips. "The least you can do is say thank yo—"
Suddenly, you felt arms wrap around your body in a tight hug. You stood there, not fulling processing what's happening. "You're so reckless..." His voice was a whisper, not daring to speak any louder, not daring to let you go. You didn't know that your actions affected him this much. Slowly, you wrapped your arms around his gently.
His breathing eventually calmed down a bit as he let you go. Once again, there's this softness in his eyes, staring right at you as if you held all the stars in the world and placed it all in your eyes, tracing constellations in your gaze. You felt his hand cup your cheek with the same gentle motion, treating you like divinity.
"You don't know how worried I was about you, (Name). Really..." he leaned his forehead onto yours, his other arm wrapping onto your waist, pulling you two closer than before until your bodies are touching so close you could hear each other's heartbeat. And his was racing.
You scoffed, wrapping your arms around his neck. Both of you are in a daze of adrenaline to even process what the two of you are doing, but what mattered right now is each other's company and comfort. "My fault, didn't know I was such a diva" you made light of the situation, earning a sigh from him as he pinched your cheek.
"More like a trouble maker than anything," he retorted, which earned an offended gasp from you and slapped his chest in mock play. "How dare you insult your guardian angel! Oh woe is me. I am so pitiful!" You dramatically leaned back with the back of your hand on your forehead, he laughed at your playfulness and pulled you in closer to spin you around like a waltz dance and dramatically dropped you, his arm supporting your body as his eyes are solely focused on you.
He gently held your other hand and kissed your knuckles with a smile. "Thank you, angel.." he whispered so softly that it was barely audible. Your cheeks flushed as your teasing words died on your throat, rendered absolutely speechless.
You quickly stood up straight and pushed him away in embarrassment, looking away from him as you tried to calm down your beating heart "...That's cheating" you muttered and kicked the cement, glaring holes onto the ground in an attempt to make it seem your unphased by his shameless flirt.
A laugh was heard beside you. Feeling his hand take in yours again as he wordlessly walked you away from the ugly sight you left at the vending machine. Though he is class representative, and it is his job to keep everyone in check, he finds himself making exceptions for you. No matter how brutal you might get. If anyone from his class would have caught him right now, they'd blame him for favoritism.
But what's more shocking is that he doesn't seem to have any need to deny it.
Silently picking up the paper bag he left nearby, leaving you still unaware of what he's holding, Lazer focused on calming your heart. And oh, does he find that absolutely adorable.
Perhaps he will just slip the snacks and drinks he bought for you from the vending machine under your table once you need it.
Chat imma be fr here, lowkey hated this LMAO yrgghh felt like I could've done better but my class starts at 6 and it's already 5:37 HELPPP
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your post makes no sense? all of the identities that you named are NOT cis men??? and quite frankly it feels transphobic for you to consider them that
i'm a trans woman so i'm part of the group i'm commenting on. you do realize that a bigender trans woman who identifies as a trans woman and a cis man is still partially a cis man and that's not transphobic and it doesn't invalidate their trans womanhood, right? you do realize that a transfemme cis man is still a cis man and that doesn't invalidate their femmehood, right? you do realize a transfemme genderfluid person who identifies as a cis man is still partially a cis man and it doesn't invalidate their other genders, right? being bigender doesn't completely erase 1/2 of the identity. being a woman doesn't cancel out being a man. are you seriously saying that because that person has a queer identity means that it totally erases the fact that they are literally also identifying in plain english that they are also a cis man?
immersing yourself in the transfeminine community will help with this drastically. i don't know you or your history, but most of my IRL friends are transfeminine, myself included. there are many of my transfem friends who never want to be considered a man, and that's perfectly fine. however, i would say a good 1/3rd of the trans women i've met have also still identified as a cis gay man on some level. without shame, without it taking away their womanhood. existing alongside each other; parallel. if you meet and befriend a good number of transfeminine people you will find out that a lot of transfems identify as cis men and trans women at the same time. that's not new. many trans women identify as cis gay men and trans women at the same time. like, it's an extremely common thing. bigender means having two genders- one is trans woman, the other is cis man for people who identify this way. this person is a trans woman, a cis man, and a bigender person.
this doesn't make that person a bigender person, and a trans woman only. why do you think it's okay to completely erase that person's male identity? why do you think it's okay to completely ignore someone's manhood for the sake of their other identity? cis manhood isn't "icky". it doesn't get cancelled out by queerness. them partially being a cis man does not invalidate their trans womanhood. wake the fuck up, you're being transmisogynstic as hell right now and it's embarrassing.
a question you must ask yourself: why are you insinuating that it is transphobic to refer to someone correctly? my post specifically referred to trans women who also identify as cis men in their own words. why, in your mind, is this a bad thing? you MUST ask yourself why it's "transphobic" to acknowledge these identities and refer to these individuals correctly. you must ask yourself why you're putting your comfort before someone else's representation. there are transfemme cis men. there are transfeminine genderfluid people who identify as cis men when they are men. there are non binary cis men. why do you think that cis men cannot be queer, or trans? why are you assuming that a trans woman being a cis man at the same time is transphobic? why
this reeks of "woman cannot be man at the same time or else woman get cancelled out"
what is confusing about trans women having multiple genders? what's wrong with a bigender, multigender, genderfluid, genderqueer, genderfuck, gender non conforming, and/or intersex trans woman having a male identity that's also cis? what's wrong with that? how does that erase or "conflict" with the rest of their identity in any capacity?
there are bigender trans men who are cis women and trans men at the same time. there are bigender trans women who are cis men and trans women at the time. literally how does that not make sense. please explain to me how it doesn't make sense. every single person who has told me i'm not making sense hasn't told me why. please explain to me why you proudly and loudly saying that bi/multigender trans women don't exist is okay, but me fighting for people to understand that they do is transphobic.
stop virtue signalling and shoot the cop in your mind dead. in your attempt to look like a hero and earn brownie points all you did was show that you literally don't understand multigender, genderqueer, non binary, and other gender vast experiences. trans women won't magically like you more now because you decided to show everyone that you think it's transphobic to call someone who overtly in their own words identifies as a cis man, a cis man.
cis men aren't the devil. calm down and stop freaking the hell out over the fact that you can in fact be a cis man and a trans woman at the same time. the sun will still rise. the world will keep turning. it's not transphobic to refer to someone by the terms they ask you to use. get over yourself on this one, anon. that's your cross to bear: you are the transphobe. do yourself a favor and look into multigenderism before you decide to comment on trans theory again
you thought yourself into a corner and you can't find your way out.
#asks#answers#bigender#multigender#polygender#transfemme#transfem#transfeminine#trans woman#trans women
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So @gyancastle had this idea and made cool art that when the apex armor is piloted by a human they turn into a cybertronian. Miko also gets this sick battle axe! Here's the link to the post(s) if you want to see it. So anyways I'm yoking that idea.
After Miko gets the apex armor instead of taking it away from her the team decides to let her keep it. They train her in self defense, strategy, Cybertronian's martial arts, and how to use her axe. She becomes quite the force in the field.
One day in battle a weird ground bridge is activated but it looks nothing like a standard one. It's huge, a distorted look to it, and a deep yellow. It starts sucking everything in which of course includes Miko. When she's spat out she's millions of miles in the air, after falling for a bit she crash lands in a forest. Distorted she walks to the nearest body of water near which is a big lake. Washing herself off of tree branches, leaves, dirt, and other kinds of debris Miko hears a crunch. Turning around with her battle axe ready she comes to a strange sight. It's Optimus, Bumblebee, Bulkhead, Ratchet and a random human girl??? But there's something wrong with them, first of all they're comically much smaller and look different. (This during season 1 btw because I haven't finished the series yet but will be reconed in the future probably)
Miko demands to know who they are which they of course give their names which makes her more confused. Falling back on her training she realizes she needs information. So she decides to go along with whatever is happening. They ask for her destination which she responds "joyride prime" because Miko is still Miko she's going to do some trolling. She looks weirdly similar to her own Optimus when she's in the armor, plus Miko doesn't think she could handle being given orders by a fun sized Optimus. She barely tolerates orders back home!
Anyways she goes with them and when they ask what alt mode she wants. Miko has to awkwardly talk about how she can't transform. Miko "explains" that her t-cog was removed a long time ago and she can't replace it for whatever reason. The bots are horrified but she just plays it off.
They go back to base and Miko hangs out with Sari for a few minutes, she finds it really neat that this kid is like a mini her. Miko finds the other bots very charming as well; they're like a softer version of her own autobots. Especially Optimus, he actually shows emotions here!
Then a alarm goes off; decepticons are causing trouble of course and Miko goes along with them to fight. She hitches a ride with Bulkhead since you know she can't drive there. It's starscream doing whatever plot he's doing, he starts monologuing and Miko is like fuck that. I already get enough of this from her own decepticons. She throws her axe and cuts one of his arms off. When it spins back to her Miko starts rocking this twink's aft. It's like embarrassing easy to her; yeah starscream was a little incompetent in her universe but at least he could fight. The fact this one was much smaller and hasn't been fighting a lot, so yeah an easy win. When Miko goes for the kill she's stopped by Optimus. This dude has such a horrified look on his face that it stops her in her tracks. This gives starscream enough of an opening to escape. She's pissed™️ and asks why he stopped her? Optimus is also a little mad because wtf, we don't kill! They then head back to base to continue their argument there. It's really messy because remember in Miko's universe it's more violent and death is sort of normalized. So she doesn't get what she did wrong!
Miko storms off somewhere. Sari tries to follow her but is stopped by bumblebee. He thinks this new mech is a little too violent and dangerous for her to be around. The young girl doesn't listen and goes after our wrecker anyways. Sari finds the older girl brooding on a random donut shop. They have a talk and Miko accidentally reveals she's not a Cybertronian. She decides since the cats already out of the bag she tells Sari everything over donuts and go back to the base.
Everyone is a little mad at Sari but glad she's safe; Miko is a little offended. Yes I did just try to kill a guy but I'm not going to hurt a little kid! Sari tells them about how Miko is from a different universe and the war. (She leaves out the being human bit) . Now knowing her situation the bots better understand her behavior. The autobots set off of trying to figure out how to get Miko home.
Meanwhile the prime autobots are freaking the fuck out. Miko's been sucked into a whole other dimension being subjected to who knows god what!
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Meanwhile with the animated bots:
Miko: Then my Bulkhead ripped that venhcon's whole guts out! I practically felt the sparks on my skin!
Everyone: 😨
Optimus covering sari's ears: great........
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If we're being completely honest Miko is terrorizing this universe not the other way around.
#transformers tfp#tfp#tfp miko#miko nakadai#transformers animated#sari sumdac#war criminal miko#autobot miko#autobots#apex armor#Cybertronians#Cybertronian Miko#kinda#op miko#sari & miko
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hey, im a young nz artist too and i like making comics/want to do something bigger when im older, and i think your stuff is genuinely so fucking cool. i love it so much. i was wondering how you pursued art after highschool, like did you go to art school? if so, where and what was that like, and if not, how’d you find the time to continue doing it? its always felt like my opportunities for a career in art specifically seem smaller living in nz, but idk your stuff inspires me to think otherwise. thank you :)
kia ora!!
thanks so much for asking, it's truly so flattering that a young nz artist would ask me for advice! <3 sadly i might not necessarily be the best person to ask...
First of all, it's been a loooooong time since i've been a young artist hahaha I'm 32. After high school, I studied architecture at university because, as you're probably aware, we don't really have art schools like our peers do overseas. But after studying for a few years, I had a major depressive episode and dropped out. After that, I ran away to Korea to teach english for a year before coming back to work in cafes for about 6 years. Back then I was pursuing a career in editorial illustration cause that's what all my favourite artists were doing but I didn't realise that it was a dying industry at the time and there weren't exactly lot of full-time professional artists here who could have warned me...
So after about 10 years of trying to piece together some kind of profession in illustration, I ended up looking for a tattoo apprenticeship which was looking pretty promising but my bosses turned out to be not-so-great people. I tried to keep tattooing on my own but that was around the time COVID hit which wasn't (and still isn't) great for a job that requires you meet face-to-face with a lot of people. So, since the pandemic began, I've just been subsisting off of jobseeker, chipping away at comics and the occasional illustration gig.
The whole experience had me perpetually burnt out for the past ~15 years and made me realise that art as a career really just shouldn't be a thing. Under capitalism, it requires either an embarrassing level of compromise, privilege or luck to pursue. All the household-name artists you know in NZ either come from privilege or got unbelievably lucky. I don't say this as a value judgment or anything, most of them are truly wonderful people, it's just what I've learned about them as colleagues who've worked together a few times over the years.
I don't fault anyone for wanting to pursue that, but if you want to make uncompromising art that makes you feel fulfilled, you can't stake your livelihood on it. Art is supposed to be a by-product of life well lived, not content to be sold.
It's why I'm making plans to go back to uni next year to switch careers into a cushy office job because, as you've observed, even if you still want to pursue this as a full-time career, opportunities for artists in Aotearoa is extremely limited.
Having said all that, there's still a lot of nuance to this whole thing that would take me too long to cover in a tumblr post, so if you'd like me to elaborate or anything or have more questions, you're more than welcome to contact me through my email: [email protected]!
And this offer extends to literally anyone who might be looking for advice or just wants to talk about art <3
Final thing: the thought of studying something else at college/ university and keeping your art as a hobby might sound bleak when you're young, but life is so much longer than you think. You might feel like you have limitless creativity and ideas at the moment but when it becomes your entire life, you burn through it all faster than you'd think. It's because you need fuel to inform what you make and you can't get that from just making art. Like I always say, art is a by-product of a life well lived; You need life-experiences; You need to love, hate, care, be hated and loved to make art and you can't do that if you're too busy to do any of that. Those 3 years you spend on a bachelors is nothing in comparison to a lifetime of staring at a blank page, agonizing over what to make next.
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I hate to do this again, but I'm out of options. I have to pay my $350 power bill by 5pm CST tomorrow (December 7th, 2023) or I'll be disconnected, and my account is currently over $500 in the red from December's rent. I still haven't been able to find a new job and things are getting really desperate
If I can get $350 within the next 24 hours, I can pay the bill directly through paypal and at least keep my lights on while keeping my bank account overdrawn for now. If you're able to help out, my ko-fi is here, and you can DM me for my paypal or venmo if necessary. Reblogs are also appreciated. Thanks y'all <3
$0/350
#i'm really embarrassed to be asking again already#to preemptively answer some questions: the last post was about November's (overdue) rent. that was paid. the overdraft is for December#and no i don't know why this one overdrafted my account but the last one bounced#and yes $350 is an unusually large power bill. there was an issue with my water heater that my landlord took his sweet time to come fix#ugh i really do hate doing this again so soon i'm sorry#it's almost making me regret giving so much to mutual aid when i had a well-paying job instead of saving#keyword almost - i'm still glad i did - but damn this situation sucks
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ok fellas this post is really different from my other stuff so i'm putting it under the cut for people who don't care and also because i'm slightly embarrassed
ok so. is it unusual for a girl to want to have a deep voice and a flat chest and a more square face and also feel slightly jealous of men and want to sound like them and look like them
and also is it unusual to want to be all that, but also simultaneously not be very bothered very much by how you look right now or by being referred to with she/her except for sometimes when you think about it too much. because i usually don't think about it except for sometimes where i suddenly just get really sad about being a girl or i'll always have this faint feeling that i am just unhappy about it
and also is it unusual to try to ignore it and go about your life being unbothered by it even though deep down it does kinda bother you but you can't really. like. say anything to anyone because your family won't react well and neither will your friends because they'll think it's weird and uncomfortable. i feel afraid to ever feel this way because i know the people in my life won't react well to it
so like. genuine question please lmk wtf is goin on because i'm unsure if it's normal and i've felt like this for a long time and it's confusing me and i don't even know what i'm going to do with the information once i know i'm just sort of lost LMAO
#vent#ig???????????#it's not even funny (it's a little funny) how the only reason i've like. thought about this was because i am becoming#more and more jealous of actors in the musicals i watch#greaseball when i get you. when i get you#like i know it IS possible play as male characters in musicals or something as a girl if i ever wanted to#but the thing is i want to look like them and sound like them and i want to be masculine#this is me questioning my gender on my fucking cats the musical tumblr blog everybody point and laugh#might delete later depending on how embarrassed i get ARGH#I FEEL SHEEPISH#had this in my drafts for a long time but i'm caving in and posting it because i had a bad night last night thinking abt it#and i need to know. also i'm lying in bed having to get up and i don't wanna so i'm making excuses#anyway again. i'm embarrassed feel free to ignore this is so stupid#ok. being brave about this#i don't like being negative on here. idk if it's negative but it might come off that way and i don't want to be awkward#also idk how sharing it here will help. but i don't really know what else to go to#if nobody got me i know tumblr got me can i get an amen#keep adding tags to this like it's going to change anything. post the damn thing idiot#why am i adding so many tags like i'm hyping myself up in the mirror JUST POST IT
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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OCs in 3s
tagged by @felixwriting ty babe. btw this is my new-ish blog! Rules: Post three pictures or images you feel relate to a character. They can be face claims, famous artworks, photos, anything you think fits the Vibe™.
Okay guys! These are basically teeny mood boards about my main six OCs! If you wanna know anything about any of them please god send me an ask I am dying to talk about them.
Rayne
Elliot
Mackenzie
Skylar
Leander
Jace
Most of these guys aren't human! They're all traumatized Creatures. Guess what they are? (It's not hard to tell I'm sure.)
Ships are Rayne/Elliot, Mackenzie/Skylar, Leander/Jace.
#uhhh i spent so much time on this and i'm actually kind of embarrassed to post this. i don't know why but YEAH HERE ARE A FEW OF MY BOYZ!#ocs#tagged#diaerie#aerie's OCs#OCS BE UPON YOU#edit: i removed the cut but i will spare you with#long post
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Hi again. I'm on some level here to ask for a complete explanation of every aspect of Hawaiian culture that is even tangentially related to your latest fic because I know absolutely nothing and there is the ever present concern that the terms run through cursory Google Translate and internet searching will lose nuance and implications. There were definitely some references to divinities and myths and such that went over my unenlightened head. The story you wove was rich and intricate enough to be held in the mind of someone who knows less than nothing and still have great meaning and truth, but I know that it will mean yet more if I can see the threads you used to make it. (On another level, I'm asking for the explanation because I am abruptly deeply interested in a topic I had previously not thought about very much, and you seem to be significantly more of an expert than the average internet search.)
first off! well first off i am blowing you so many kisses for this very kind ask, thank you so much for giving me an excuse to ramble at (great, great, great) length.
so second off! i would just like to stress that i am very much not an expert in hawaiian language, folklore, history, culture, etc. i am neither kānaka maoli (native hawaiian) nor kamaʻāina (born in hawaiʻi although not necessarily of hawaiian ancestry), and i have not studied these topics formally/in a setting that applies academic rigor. i am an enthusiastic amateur with a personal connection to hawaiian culture, the kind of brain that likes to fixate on areas of interest, and a willingness to scrounge around for reading material. i have, i think, a decent sense of what some of the baseline texts in the field are, and a fairly good bullshit detector (and the understanding/ability to dig into things when i can't rely on the bullshit detector), but ultimately i am a layman and an outsider with corresponding perspectives and biases. i also, i will admit frankly, have a pretty sharp knowledge cutoff corresponding to the time of first european contact, just because of my own personal interests and reading preferences.
read that whole disclaimer? let your eyes glaze over while you skimmed it? good! here's my real quick (lmao) rundown of Sum Things U Should Know If You Wanna Close-Read Kīpuka:
ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi 101
Good grief when I put it like that I do NOT feel qualified to tell you any of this. Anyway. We can keep it basic just so you can get a sense of the mouthfeel of the words. And just fyi ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi is the proper name of the language; i'll be using "Hawaiian" as the adjective form, sans ʻokina, assuming an English-speaking readership.
ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi as it is commonly rendered today has 13 letters: 5 vowels (A, E, I, O, and U) and 7 consonants (H, K, L, M, N, P, W), plus the ʻokina or glottal stop (that little apostrophe-lookin' dude at the beginning of the word ʻokina, also the source of most of my typesetting woes). Pronunciation-wise, there are no silent letters and no though/through/enough-type surprises: every letter is pronounced, and all of the vowel renderings are approximately equivalent to how you'd pronounce them in Spanish or Italian. Hence, the word kuahine = koo-ah-HEE-nay rather than, like, kyoo-ah-highn, which made me feel gross even just typing it out.
The ʻokina is pronounced, and bear with me here, like the dash in the english nuh-uh. or, if you're a try-hard vocalist—reattack the vowel after the ʻokina instead of eliding it to the vowel prior. So the place-name Kaʻū is pronounced ka-OO, as distinct from the word kau which is pronounced more like kow (which is a bit of an oversimplification of the latter word, but I'm trying to be efficient here).
That leads us neatly into the other diacritical marking used in ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi, the kahakō or macron which helpfully appears in its own name. No worries here; the kahakō just serves as a stress marker, so you'd say kahakō = ka-ha-KO instead of ka-HA-ko, or from the example above ka-OO rather than KA-oo.
There are a couple of other little pronunciation tricks here and there. The letter W is sometimes pronounced as a V, and unfortunately I can't really describe the rules for that shift; that is one I must admit I know mostly from vibes. For example, the correct pronunciation of Hawaiʻi itself is ha-VAI-ee, but I've never heard the place-name Waimea pronounced as anything but why-MEY-ah.
Occasionally you will encounter the letter K pronounced as a T, which I believe is an artifact of the morphological shift from older related languages such as Tahitian and Samoan which do preserve the letter T as a unique phoneme. To my knowledge, the Kauaʻi dialect (spoken today on Niʻihau) also preserves the T, but most spoken ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi heard elsewhere is based on the Big Island dialect, which lacks the T. One notable exception is the word tūtū (an affectionate/respectful term for a grandparent or elder), which you really don't hear pronounced as kūkū.
Really, though, listening to Hawaiian music is how I got the language in my ear and imo it's the best way to get it in yours. Can't go wrong with Israel Kamakawiwoʻole (of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" fame), but I have a personal soft spot for Kealiʻi Reichel, Weldon Kekauoha, Amy Hanaialiʻi, and the Cazimero Brothers.
The Place-y-ness of Hawaiian Literature
This is more of a sidenote than its own heading, but I'm the one driving the essay, and I think it's an interesting thing to point out, just because it helps establish a particular perspective I wanted to keep in mind while writing this fic.
Something you might notice as you start to look at Hawaiian oli, mele, and myth is the high level of specificity of place. Hawaiʻi is, let's be honest, not that enormous of a place when you consider it on a global scale—but the specificity of localities within Hawaiian literature is kind of astounding. Not only are there loads of place-names referenced in any given work, there are unique Hawaiian names for landmarks, cliffs, peaks, hills, streams, waterfalls—even rains and winds of specific locations merit their own names.
"kīpuka" is very specifically set on the windward side of Hawaiʻi island, so I made an effort to focus my references to place-names on that region—Hilo, ʻŌlaʻa, and Waiākea are all locations on the eastern side of the island, and the one reference to Kona on the leeward side reflects the coming of someone bearing grievances (in addition to eia aʻe ka makani Kona being an existing idiom warning the listener to watch out for an angry person, the windward and leeward sides of Hawaiʻi island have a long history of territorial warfare and jockeying for control of the island). I'd also considered having the bird discussed in the fic be a different species, the kākāwahie—but that species is/was endemic to Molokaʻi, and quite honestly my knowledge of the history and culture of Molokaʻi as a separate polity is not that great.
(This is partly due to sample bias—my introduction to Hawaiʻi was within a Big Island-based context. At the same time, another thing you may notice about the better-known source texts is that many of them center around Hawaiʻi island and, to a lesser extent, Maui, thanks to the political supremacy during the unification/post-contact era of Hawaiʻi island and Maui aliʻi. Ross Cordy wrote a whole ass book about the Oʻahu chiefdoms that is simply not to be had for love or money no matter how I search for it. I am THIS CLOSE to straight up cold emailing the man and being like I WILL VENMO YOU $75 USD DIRECTLY IF YOU WILL SIMPLY JUST SEND ME A COPY OF YOUR BOOK. PLEASE. SAVE ME ROSS CORDY.)
Girl (Gender Neutral), I Cannot Explain Hawaiian Mythology, Poetics, and Mythopoetics As a Subheading in One Post
Honestly. I can't do it. But some tidbits to assist your further research:
A great deal of Hawaiian literature and oral tradition hinges on kaona, roughly "allusion" or "metaphor." In a description that is useful to precisely no one but myself, it's not unlike the complex plays on words, puns, and deep well of references used in Heian Japanese epistolary poetry. Some of it is easy to grok for newbies: for example, the concept of one's lover as a lei adorning the body, or being splashed or sprinkled with water as a euphemism for sex. Some of it goes a lot deeper, relying on historical or folkloric place-name associations, puns, and ancient practices and superstitions.
The Hawaiian "pantheon" I place in scare quotes because ancient Hawaiian religious practices and superstition were highly syncretic, often extremely localized, and more contradictory the more you read into it. In a very, very, very, VERY rough and off-the-cuff sense, though, there were thought to be four major gods: Kāne (associated with dawn, the sun, the sky, running freshwater, and irrigation-based agriculture, among other things), Kanaloa (associated with the ocean, sea creatures, and sometimes death, as an opposing or complimentary force to Kāne), Lono (god of fertility, agriculture with something of an emphasis on dryland agriculture, rainfall, and peace as embodied in the Makahiki festival), and Kū (god of war, the deified kingship, fishermen, sorcery, and quite honestly a ton of other things in various manifestations).
There were also quite a large number of "lesser" gods, the word "lesser" used just in the sense that they weren't honored to the same extent as the four previously named in state-sanctioned religious practice. Probably the most well-known of these is Pele, the volcano goddess. (I reference another in the fic, Niolopua, god of sleep—but the jury's out on whether or not that refers to an actual god or is just metaphorical in the same way that most people think of "the Sandman" as a euphemism for sleep and not a literal guy who comes into your house and puts crusties in your eyes.)
The gods were thought to manifest in a variety of forms, called kino lau (literally "four hundred bodies"). You can think of this in the sense of "Lono takes on the shape of an albatross or a tropicbird to interact with mortals, while Kanaloa prefers to manifest as an octopus," and in stories kino lau are sometimes represented that way, but in practice it's less of a Greek myth-style practice of shapeshifting and more of an animistic religious belief. The kino lau in nature embody the god and in a metaphorical sense illustrate the interconnection between divine and earthly and the presence of the divine on earth.
(HUGE OVERSIMPLIFICATION. HUGE OVERSIMPLIFICATION. PLEASE DO MORE RESEARCH AND DO NOT TAKE ONE TUMBLR POST AT ITS WORD ON THIS.)
The Endless, in the fic, are very easy to loop into the concept of kino lau, because of their canonical universality. Danny appears as a shark (a symbol of chiefhood), a pueo, or Hawaiian owl (an 'aumakua, or ancestral guardian), a manu-o-Kū, or fairy tern (a bird associated with the god Kū, likely in his aspect as a god of fishermen, navigators, and wayfinders), a kalo plant (a staple crop of ancient Hawaiʻi, a kino lau of Kāne, and a symbol of duality and rebirth), and a snowcapped mountain (a sacred site considered kapu, or forbidden, to all but the highest chiefly individuals). Despair, meanwhile, appears as an ʻalae ʻula, or Hawaiian moorhen (another ʻaumakua, but also an animal whose cry was thought to foretell misfortune), a stingray (for her barbed tail), a hāpuʻu fern (in contrast to Dream's kalo, the hāpuʻu was considered a famine food), a lava flow and its first growths (acknowledging Pele as both a destroyer and a creator of land, just as Despair also embodies hope), and a number of other things meant to embody the devastation of Hawaiʻi (rats, feral pigs, and mosquitoes have decimated endemic birds and insects; the kiawe is an invasive plant species that forms dense, thorny, and difficult-to-destroy groves; light pollution affects behavior and migratory patterns of both avian and aquatic species).
All pretty simple, obviously!
Further Resources and Recs
Okay, so, obviously I'm not going to be able to explain every single reference in this fic in a single post, though I obviously tried my damnedest. In lieu of that, I'll offer some useful resources for further reading:
Stephen Trussel's Combined Hawaiian Dictionary is a fantastic resource for vocab that incorporates several major Hawaiian dictionaries in a straightforward (well, as straightforward as this gets) text-based web page. Ulukau also has a searchable interface, which is a little easier to interact with, but I like having the Trussel for reference.
Huapala is everyone's go-to for translations of Hawaiian lyrics. I've linked to it in the endnotes of the fic for readers interested in more on "Ka Ipo Lei Manu," but it's got nearly any ʻauana-style Hawaiian song you please, and if I recall correctly even a few traditional oli. Again, another slightly old-fashioned text-based site—but we all know how to use CMD + F in a page, do we not?
Native Books is awesome if you, like me, prefer reading things in print but would prefer not to feed your dollars into the maw of the Amazon beast. A lot of the lit on Hawaiʻi was printed either a long time ago or in very small releases and is now out-of-print and difficult to find even in libraries, so it rocks that there's an independent bookseller that specializes in getting those works to an audience in hard copy. @ NATIVE BOOKS PLEASE CONSIDER GETTING ROSS CORDY TO RE-PRINT THE RISE AND FALL OF THE OʻAHU KINGDOM THANK YOU SO MUCH. University of Hawaiʻi Press is also a good source for academic texts, although their website is...mm...difficult to navigate, and do be warned that they charge academic press prices.
In terms of who to read, you really can't go wrong with Mary Kawena Pukui, a Native Hawaiian scholar, author, composer, and educator whose work is the backbone of just, a fuckton of writing about Hawaiʻi, both academic and popular. Her book ʻŌlelo Noʻeau: Hawaiian Proverbs and Poetical Sayings is worth at least a skim just to get the feel of the Hawaiian mindset; it also contains a healthy dose of myth, folklore, and history in the explanations of the sayings. Absolutely adorably, I've found two books she edited that I read the absolute FUCK out of as a child available as PDFs through Ulukau: The Water of Kāne and Other Legends of the Hawaiian Islands and Hawaiʻi Island Legends: Pīkoi, Pele, and Others. Definitely worth a quick read if you want more on the myth side of things.
As a non-specialist, I've really enjoyed Patrick Vinton Kirch's writing on precontact Hawaiʻi. For a field archaeologist, his writing is both highly engaging and very respectful of the peoples he studies, and trust me, I do get my back up easily when it comes to white people writing about Other Cultures TM, so I'd posit it means something that he passes my sniff test. A Shark Going Inland is My Chief is a great overview of the history of the Hawaiian chiefdoms from the first settlement of the islands to immediately precontact, and Kuaʻāina Kahiko offers a bit of a closer look at everyday life in a specific locality in the islands (in this case, Kahikinui, Maui).
Kamehameha and His Warrior Kekūhaupiʻo by Stephen Desha (trans. Frances N. Frazier) began its life as a serialized Hawaiian-language history of the rise of Kamehameha I. It's a dense read, and it WILL test your ability to remember who the hell all these people are to its limit—it mostly discusses the lives and times of the major players of the aliʻi class in the late precontact–early postcontact era, and when you remember that a) a hell of a lot of personal names in this tale begin with the letter K and b) the aliʻi class of Hawaiʻi practiced a mindboggling amount of political marriage, consanguineous marriage, and sanctioned adoption between blood relatives, the family trees get real complicated REAL fast. If you can hang on through all that, though, it's an intensely detailed and very vivid portrait of a culture at a tumultuous moment, it gives a great sense of how the Hawaiians viewed themselves and the world, and it's an interesting exercise in the mythologizing of the Kamehameha dynasty.
Okay, So...?
So...if you hung on through all that, god DAMN are you dedicated. Have what is quite possibly my favorite Hawaiian song for your trouble. It is, funnily enough, about a bird.
EDIT: I am retroactively making this post unrebloggable. I'm really, really glad folks have found it interesting and are looking into the resources I shared, but I absolutely do not want this getting passed around as Hawaiian Culture 101. If you want to learn more about Hawaiʻi, I must stress that you should look to a reputable source and not some schmuck on Tumblr rambling about her effortposting fanned fiction.
#chatter#this is why we don't tell swan ''make your own post about it.'' because then she does. this#i must stay confined to the tags field lest i become drunk with power and challenge god.#i have a handful of other text sources that i can rec but they all come with caveats for one reason or another#and i'm going to be so incredibly embarrassed if i hit some kind of post length limit with this thang. so uh. send another ask i guess#AGAIN. I'M NOT AN EXPERT OR AUTHORITY OF ANY KIND. IF I WAKE UP TOMORROW WITH PEOPLE IN MY INBOX#DEMANDING TO KNOW WHO MY KUMU IS I'M GONNA BE REAL PISSED AT Y'ALL FOR RATTING ME OUT. SO BE COOL PLEASE
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william "me and my Perfect Societally-Idealized Family" af.ton vs. jayne being a polyamorous lesbian who regularly scandalizes people on purpose and knows william is bullshitting himself ( even if he won't hear it )
#☽—— ⸢ ooc ⸥#f n a f /#okay this is very my-william-specific lmao. unless it's not. winks at other williams.#anyway i'm not suggesting william didn't love elise/mrs. af.ton OR that he didn't want kids#what i AM suggesting is that like. some part of him was like.#wife? check. money? check. two story house with a white picket fence? check. sons AND a daughter? check.#and then was like. okay. perfect. i've achieved Normal Human Man and now i'll be respected IT'S SO BAD#which is why i talk abt the divorce being like. yes he's genuinely hurt. but so much of the anger is ''you embarrassed me''#and ''you ruined my ideal family''#meanwhile jayne is like ''hey guy what's up i just got back from my two girlfriends' place & i literally go anywhere i want whenever''#and some part of william that he's buried SO far down is like ''FUCK i want that''#not like. exactly that. just. you know. the freedom. the Not Giving A Shit What People Thing. the being openly queer.#anyway. hits him with a bat again. i think it would be funny writing jayne trying to explain having TWO gfs to the kids ngl#the idea that she's JUST explained she's a lesbian and now has to explain polyamory is FKDHSFSAKDJ#btw i'm not like. opposed-opposed to writing jayne in monogamous relationships but she heavily leans poly#they CAN be closed relationships but she's a big fan of open poly relationships#fuck i can't delete this post i added too many headcanon tags#uh. don't ask what time i wrote this btw. schedules it.#☽—— ⸢ scheduled ⸥
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if there's one thing that is absolutely pissing me off it's my irl friend who wanted to see my instagram account
#i didn't really want to show it to him but i may have mentioned that i started this account#because he keeps talking about tiktok all the time#and he said he wanted to see it so i was like yeah ok why not it would be nice to know i have his support#and ever since he followed me he never liked any of my posts#any of my stories (& he keeps viewing them all the time literally seconds after i post them)#he never said a single word about this account#he even resists texting me there even tho i said i don't use my priv anymore#(i deleted facebook & messenger so we only text on instagram)#& it drives me crazy because i feel like he's probably just laughing at me in secret & i feel embarrassed#& i regret showing it to him#i don't even need him to read my stupid posts but it would be nice to hear one good word like#idk#it doesn't matter ignore me i'm just mad#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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editing the recording of BODY BACK chapter 1 & me trying to figure out how to do harrisonvoice is funny TO ME
#he's like coolguy but only to Himself#also i am doing u all a favour by listening to this YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!!!!#this is for the ppl who supported me posting the audiobook chapter lol ily <3#I LOVE MY VOICE I REALLY DO IT'S ONE OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT ME#I ALSO LOVE MY READING VOICE SO MUCH#SO I DONT KNOW WHY IT'S DEEPLY EMBARRASSING TO LISTEN TO ME READING MY WORK#SINCE I LOVE LISTENING TO MY RECORDED VOICE LMAO#I think it's that listening to where I verbally choose to inflect my writing is embarrassing#I really don't think the writing is embarrassing (I am the best) and I'm not embarrassed to share it#BUT IT'S SOMETHING ABT ME READING IT#I'M LIKE BANGING MY HEAD INTO A WALL IT'S CRIIIIINNNGGGE#to all of you it is totally fine but to me i am dying
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So like I be wanting to create a buffer of posts to put on queue because that's how I ran my blog with my sisters but also sometimes I create a post and I'm like "I need people to see this now".
There was a schedule on that other blog so it was easy to do both really. I need to make a schedule for this blog or something so I can post better.
Someday, I'll do it for sure.
#hi I'm back-ish#random thoughts#personal thoughts#I don't want to be at work#it's embarrassing#don't worry about why#just know it is#but I need money so here I am#...#I'm gonna just post those other posts I was referencing soon probably
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10 Happy Things
May 11, 2024
Slept most of the day let's gooo
My bed and clothes are so warm and cozy
Called my mom and apparently she was out with people but she stepped outside to talk to me for a bit before going back to them and just feeling very very loved
My mom called me back and I talked to my sisters for nearly two hours hwjoiegdjkl we're just absolute nerds the lot of us
The Bible Plan I've been doing these past few days is just re-looking at everything from the basis of just get right with God, are you following Jesus and it's been very comforting to have that reminder like it is relational, it is supposed to be a delightful life we're living, there's no stress at all about doing x or y and if you're supposed to, it will not be anything but good
I can't really move my toes individually (except the ones at the ends) and I think it's kinda cute. They're a pack. They're friends. Do Not Separate.
The Tim Horton's White Hot Chocolate is so insanely good
Dungeon Meshi is such a good manga broooo
There are so many joys that I don't think I'll run out of them, and isn't that just the most delightful thing ever?
When I started this list I was feeling a little tired but now I'm quite happy and excited!! I'm so grateful to Katie for getting me into this, and my friends who also do stuff like this
#5 happy things#i don't know why but sometimes i feel a bit silly posting these online bc they're always so personal#like my awesome mom and my weird toes and my religious leanings - i know none of it is very relateable#but i think we're all allowed to be a little selfish in our joy and it's little hurt to see someone else's pleasure i hope#i got my period last night and was as usual quite unwell physically but oh what a delight it was otherwise#i went through the little routine i tend to go through with my mom of like dragging over a chair to lay on while in the bathroom#and setting up the trash can and such nearby#and i missed my mom and thought about calling her and i didn't bc it was like 3am though i did immediately today hehe#but i just thought it was really so incredible to have a mom who i wanted to call when i was ill. who i could call anytime i wanted#how rare is that? how wonderful is that? it touched me so much that all the physical pain felt worth it for the proper knowing of that love#i was thinking about all the good things i've been given - my house and bed and blankets and covers and clothes#and as i was praying i was also thinking that this was what my dad taught me and how he comforted me#and when he prayed for me or tells me he prays for me that's how i know he loves me more than i could know#there are a lot of my joys i think are embarrassing but to be treasured isn't one of them. that one's just pure thankfulness#i know i'm quite spoiled and young and silly in many ways and i'm so thankful for it. i hope i can love others even a fraction as i've been#knowing full well that i'll always be in debt to the goodness of the world and the kindness it unceasingly gives me
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the senior i've had a crush on for a year (only talked to him once mind you) has a girlfriend now and im genuinely so jealous. like it makes me sick to think about. its this genuine feeling of discomfort just typing this
i don't even fucking know this guy at all what's wrong with me
#he probably doesn't even know who i am#i met him in a restaurant and flirted/got his number a year ago but once we established that he was too old for me we never talked again#fuck it makes me embarrassed just thinking about it#WE LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW EACHOTHER AT ALL#i don't know why i'm genuinely obsessed with him#he's literally a drug addict too#and the worst part is his girlfriend is actually gorgeous#like so much prettier than me#shit post#i also think he just gave me his number to be nice i'm so awkward even if im pretty it probably put him off
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