#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

questioning sexuality is so exhausting

[rafeandonlyrafe]

comparisons

words: 1.5k

warnings: 18+ only, smut, p in v sex, unprotected sex, female receiving oral, insecurities, semi public sex, partying, drinking but not by reader, good girl!reader

“are you seriously looking at her profile again?” your sister questions, snatching your laptop from you.

“give it back!” you squeal, standing up and attempting to grab it, but she has the height advantage on you.

“seriously, this is getting out of hand.” she sets the laptop back down on your desk, navigating to the block button. “and don't unblock her. it's unhealthy for you to care so much about your boyfriend's ex.”

“she's just so pretty.” you groan. “like how can he go from her to me?”

“you're gorgeous, y/n!” you sister sighs. “you love him. i know you do. just enjoy being together and don't let your insecurities ruin what you have.”

--

you don't mention it to rafe, no matter how anxious you feel. 

“what is it?” rafe questions, hand rubbing over your cheek. “you look sad.”

“no, no.” you shake your head aggressively, forcing a smile onto your face. “im fine, promise. just lost in thought.”

in truth, you saw rafes ex at the party. it's why you retreated to the patio with rafe, glad to have some distance. 

“hm…” rafe mumbles, looking over you. “you sure? if you're not feeling the party, we can leave.”

you smile at rafe. you weren't sure what you were getting into when you started dating him. you hung out in the opposite crews at school, rafe was popular and easy going, captain of the football team. you never attended the same parties as him during those years, it wasn't until after school where you graduated valedictorian that you got close to him.

“you love to party, babe. i can handle it.” you love it too, usually.

“yeah, but there's a lot of drinking going on. if you're uncomfortable-”

“no.” you shake your head. you aren't a fan of getting drunk yourself, but you don't mind being around people if all they're doing is dancing and having fun.

“then what is it? you can't fool me darling.” 

“i just… saw your ex at the party.” you frown. “i can't help but compare myself to her and… it makes me feel insecure, but im trying not to. i want to get better, seriously.”

“aw, baby.” rafe pulls you onto his lap, tired of any distance between the two of you. “you have nothing to worry about. i only have eyes for you.”

“i know, im being silly.” you sigh, wiping at your under eyes before your tears build up.

“you're the most beautiful girl ive ever seen. i even thought that in high school.” rafe laughs. “but you were so good, so focused on school, i didn't want to become a distraction by trying to get you out on a date.”

“oh my god!” you squeal. “how come you never told me that before?”

rafe just shrugs, a soft smile on his face. “if i knew you felt that way, i would have. i promise, you've got nothing to worry about. im yours.”

you press your lips against rafes, kissing him deeply, right there on the outdoor sofa for everyone to see.

“i need you baby.” rafe groans, hands squeezing at your sides.

“yeah.” you nod. “yeah, need you too.”

“want to go home or… or can i find a room upstairs? kelce won't mind.” 

“upstairs.” you stand up, rafe quickly following. 

“good.” he smiles down at you, arm wrapped around your waist as he leads you back inside, into the crowd of people.

“rafey!” a voice squeals, making you frown. he doesn't let anyone call him rafey except for you.

“hayley.” rafe sighs, sounding nowhere near as enthusiastic, wanting to get you upstairs as soon as possible. “what do you want?*

“just to say hi.” she twirls a piece of hair around her finger, eyes darting to look at the way his arm is wrapped securely around your body. “how's my rafey?”

“not your rafey. its just rafe to you.” he grunts out.

“oh, you're so silly.” she lets out a shrill laugh, reaching forward to press her hand against his bicep.

“hey, in case you haven't noticed-” you speak up. “rafe isn't with you anymore. so stop calling him rafey and stop touching my man.”

hayley pouts and looks at rafe, giving him an opportunity to defend her, but he just smiles down at you.

“believe me now?” rafe pulls you away towards the stairs, leaving hayley to huff and head for another drink.

“ill believe you when you fuck me.” you smile, shutting the bedroom door behind you and making sure to lock it. 

“get naked then, babe.”

you both are quick to strip before coming back together in a mess of tongue and lips as rafe dominates your mouth, leaving no room at all for doubt.

“god, feel how hard i am for you.” rafe takes your hand in his, guiding it to his cock.

you stroke up and down his length, the weight heavy and familiar against your palm. “all this for me?”

“you know it, baby.” he laughs dryly, cut off with a moan as you swipe the pad of your thumb over the head of his cock.

“but first…” rafe takes your hand away, and your eyes widen as he sinks down to his knees. “i have to taste you.”

“oh!” you squeal as rafes hands grip your hips, his mouth burying between your thighs.

“fuck!” you moan out, grabbing onto the large poster bed, sinking your fingernails into the wood as his tongue swipes through your folds.

“god, you're so yummy.” rafe moans, his words vibrating your pussy. he tilts his head up, eyes locking on yours as his lips wrap around your clit.

“rafe!” you scream out, not caring if anyone hears, hoping hayley is nearby enough to hear your moans of pleasure as he focuses on sucking at your clit.

“god, i would make you cum like this over and over, but i need to get inside of you.” rafe stands up, capturing your mouth again.

“wanna ride you.” you tell him. you've slept with rafe many times since the start of your relationship, but he's always been the one on top and in control.

“really?” rafe grins at you, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth.

“yeah.” you nod. “im feeling- im feeling confident.”

“that's just what i like to hear, darling.” rafe presses a kiss to your lips before laying himself down on the bed, head propped up against the pillows so he can watch you.

you climb over top of him, the only light in the room from the moonlight streaming in the window as you align him with your cunt, sinking down with a moan.

“fuck, baby.” rafe grips your hips, not ready yet to fully give up control as you begin to move up and down with his assistance.

“god, so big.” you gasp out.

“mhm, and all for you, my girl.” rafe helps you speed up, not used to being in this position.

your joint moans fill the room as you ride him, grinding your hips back and forth with every movement until you find the spot inside of yourself that has you screaming out.

“ah, fuck, right there?” rafe begins to lift his hips into you, planting his feet into the bed to get the maximum lift possible as he thrusts upwards, angling his cock to push against just where you like it.

you fall forward, pressing your chest against rafes as he holds your hips still, pounding up into you.

“oh my god!” you squeal out, hands gripping onto rafes biceps as they flex and bulge as he lifts you up and down.

“gonna cum baby, can't last.” rafe presses his face into your hair, inhaling your scent. “you feel too good.”

“yeah, inside me.” you nod, own high not far away.

“fuck.” rafes moans grow as his cock swells inside of you, releasing only moments later.

the feeling of him flooding your insides sends you overboard, your orgasm causing your entire body to shake as your cunt squeezes down on rafes cock, milking the rest of his cum, not wanting to leave a drop.

“fuck.” rafes hands squeeze your hips again. “you're so perfect.”

you smile up at him, feeling tired from the sudden act. “take me home?”

“yeah.” rafe let's out a yawn. “in a minute.”

“mmkay.” you hum, resting your cheek against his chest. “don't fall asleep on me, rafey.”

you have to poke rafe awake a minute later. you both get dressed to get out to your car, the party still raging as you walk hand in hand.

“oh, there you are!” hayley stops in front of you, but you've had enough of her.

“sorry, no time to chit chat.” you plaster on a fake enthusiastic smile. “his cum is dripping out of me right now, so we gotta get home and take care of that. enjoy the party though!”

you pull rafe outside as he cackles. “damn, baby.” his arm wraps around your shoulders. “you are so hot when you're jealous.”

[jinwoosbabyboo]

I Don't Suffer I Just Have It

The lads men and their nuerospicy adhd/add reader A/N: Your mental health matters and don't sacrifice it for anyone. These are a few things I deal with. Everyone's experience with adhd/add is different. [Requested by: luxis-journal]

Time Blocking

I have to be there by 5:30pm, but I need to shower and do my makeup so I need at least 2 or 3 hours for that, but I should give myself time so im not rushing because I hate being rushed and I know I'm gonna want to eat before I go so I should make time for that and picking out an outfit will take some time so I need to start getting ready at like 11am you know incase there’s traffic and im not rushing

Zayne doesn’t question it and just gets ready in 30 minutes while you still run around getting dressed Rafayel rushes you just to piss you off and immediately regret it when you tell him to leave without you because you’re not going anymore Xavier when you tell him the rundown of your getting ready time he’s confused until he wakes up an hour before you need to leave and you’re still getting ready Sylus happily just watches you get dressed while he’s still in bed

ADD/ADHD Pause

That moment when you need to turn the lights off, but you need to grab your car keys off the kitchen counter, but your jacket is still in your room so you can’t turn the room light off just yet and you need to grab your travel mug from the fridge so now you’re just stutter stepping in one spot trying to do everything at once

Zayne tells you to grab your drink while he grabs everything else Rafayel puts his hands on your shoulders and directs into your room to grab your jacket and then asks what else needs to be done Xavier quietly grabs everything for you Sylus grabs your chin, tilting it up to look at him and simply says “One thing at a time sweetie”

Nightly/Tired Zoomies

Hysterically laughing at anything and thinking of everything funny that’s ever made you laugh right before bed or when you get tired. Crackhead energy.

Zayne sweetly smiles while you tire yourself out and cuddles you when you lay down and pass out in his arms Rafayel is cackling with you and not just laughing, but also adding onto the jokes you both end up laughing until you’re in tears Xavier he’s already knocked out while you’re still up laughing at videos on your phone Sylus teases you the entire time which only makes you laugh more then makes you lay down because he knows you’re just sleepy

Non-verbal and/or Overstimulated

Those moments when you just don’t feel like talking and everything is pissing you off especially unnecessary noises

Zayne leaves you be and just sends you texts to check on you. Turns on your favorite show when he’s about to eat so you don’t yell at him for making too much noise Rafayel still wants your attention so he just lays on you hoping it would make you feel better. it works for a while until the sound of his breathing starts irritating you “Why are you breathing so loud?” “Im sorry for being alive??” Xavier leaves you alone and just leaves you little snacks in case you get hungry he knows you’ll come talk to him when you’re ready Sylus simply texts you when you don’t feel like speaking sends the twins in to see how irritable you are because if you get snappy with them he knows you’ll bite his head off

Vocal Stimming

A new random sentence or song snippet every week from “FLINT LOCKWOOD” to “Say its fine (fiiiinneee) happens all the time” to just random noises when the silence is silencing too much

Zayne just looks at you and goes on about his day Rafayel gets them stuck in his head now he’s randomly saying it too Xavier questions it “Where did that come from?” Sylus just lets you do your thing chuckles from time to time because he finds it cute

[lunarmoves]

Can't stop thinking of the scenario where y/n leaves the Pizzaplex feeling like Sun honestly wanted them gone, and Sun becomes obsessed with finding them and also leads a robot apocalypse. What would happen if y/n caught wind that Sun is looking specifically for them and seeing all that has happened with the robots takes that as "Oh no, I thought he tolerated me but turns out he dislikes me so much he personally wants to get rid of me himself" so they try extra hard to go into hiding out of fear of what will happen if they're captured and taken to him?

ohhh my goddd nonnie u are so big brained!!!!!!! thank u for sending this in bc honestly i have also been thinking about this au for a while LMAO. if i was strong enough i would write a 50k fic spliced into two arcs (im thinking about it so hard u have no idea!!!!!!) for this but alas.... /stares at my incomplete wips/ i am not </3

(added in from future shay: what have u done nonnie this became so much longer than i'd intended, u basically get the whole fic outline here. cw for death and murder n stuff, typical fnaf. also spoilers for a fic i may or may not write?? like. this is me brainstorming and shoving all my ideas here lol. literally all of them)

okay so... let us set the stage a little bc i can't help myself. arc1 of this hypothetical fic would of course involve the pizzaplex where reader and sun get "closer" over the course of like a year. maybe more. well sun feels close to you. you, on the other hand, do not. why would you? this robot has been so passive aggressive with you and though it seems like he's nice enough to you (in comparison to the other humans), you really don't like how he treats you some days. what he says about humanity as a whole. you can't help it! yeah humanity sucks sometimes and robots were built to be everything that humans aren't, but he can't generalize in the way that he does at times and forget that these are people!! with feelings and ambitions and dreams! 'superiority complex' doesn't even begin to cover his issues, gahh!!

(the fact that he's been treated like absolute shit, working in the daycare does not help whatsoever. the mean parents, the kids who don't listen to him, the staff tht does the bare minimum on him in terms of maintenance because he's the daycare robot and not one of the glamrocks. it grinds his gears)

i imagine the reader in this fic believes that robots are indeed sentient, which is why you try to get sun to recognize and acknowledge his own emotions/feelings (which he vehemently denies, even tho there are literal riots happening worldwide regarding robot sentience. he's lying to you. you know he's lying to you. but you don't know why he denies it so much. ((maybe this is the point where he catches feels for reader and is denying the fact tht he's crushing on a human lol)). the government is not happy about these uprisings, of course, and every day the news shows more and more chaos unfolding as robots get tired of the conditions they are in). but eventually, things boil over and you end up leaving. that, and it's becoming more dangerous, living in this area, with everything going on. maybe your parents are trying to convince you to move elsewhere. maybe there are other external circumstances. in any case, you leave. there is nothing at the pizzaplex for you anymore, sun has made that clear.

(and moon... well, moon has been quiet lately. too quiet. you don't know what happened to him, he won't even look at you when you manage to get some time with him when the lights go out after your shift)

((i imagine this is maybe around when they get infected. that makes everything even more complicated. if you thought sun was obsessive before, then that's nothing compared to a glitched out sun unforch. it just amplifies the more questionable aspects of his entire personality. and like, he doesn't even have vanny/afton commanding him bc as soon as he gets the virus? he kills both of them))

(((also im imagining moon and sun don't really get along in this au bc they have differing ideals/views. like to balance out sun's unhingedness, moon is significantly quieter and softer and deffo does not believe in robot superiority lol. if anything, maybe he has an inferiority complex pfft poor guy. doesn't help when he gets glitchtrap'd and wakes up with blood on his hands)))

okay so you leave, right? and a few weeks later, you see the news on your phone--the pizzaplex has burned down. you don't know how to feel about it. sure you've been friendly to the glamrocks and stuff, but you find yourself thinking about sun and moon. there's a mention of one death--a blond woman, who died from her neck snapping before the flames could reach her. you don't want to think of the implications of that. there's no mention of the glamrocks--of sun or moon or the dj. you're not sure if the news anchors are just excluding robots, but either way, it makes your heart sink. you take a moment to mourn. bc at the end of the day.... you did know sun for over a year.

not even a few days after that, there is a robot uprising in your city. it's... bad. you're at home, watching the news with your apartment half in shambles from your plan on moving back home with your parents. in my head, since utah is home to fazco (a megacorporation with hands in the development of a LOT of the robots seen in society), it also means it's a hotspot for robot riots and the like. fazco vehemently denies robot sentience because it would mean a loss of money in acknowledging their workers are people yk how it is. as such, there are maany protests and riots and stuff, from both humans and robots. it's a shitshow.

ANYWAYS you're at home and it becomes evidently clear that you need to get out of dodge as soon as you can. they were killing people. the robots, built by human hands, were killing. it brings about absolute chaos. in prior riots/protests there were never deaths. injuries, maybe, but never deaths. people start evacuating like crazy.

you catch a glimpse on the news that the violent uprising in utah caused a chainlink reaction to extend all across the nation. maybe even the world. you're scrambling all over your apartment with the tv on the news, doing your best to pack up the essentials. there's live coverage on the tv from a helicopter somewhere not far from your apartment complex. and you're able to catch a glimpse of bright rays and a cheshire, white smile on the screen--leading what looks like an army of robots--before it cuts out.

you don't even know what to think. the image is seared into your eyes, the blood that painted yellow hands and a crescent face.

you get the hell out of your apartment and book it as far as you can. communications are down everywhere--the thing about robots? they know exactly where to hit humans to cause a catastrophe. as such, your phone is useless. they've hijacked the satellites and took down certain powergrids. having a phone on you would only be a detriment, so you ditch it. there's only you now. you must survive.

and then there's a bit of a time skip to start arc2. in this duration, you're long gone from that city in utah, living with a small survival group. if you've read my summer camp au fic, this is where i'll bring in "OCs" such as vincent (a play on 2015 vincent) and jeremy (fitzgerald or the VR guy tht used to work for fazco), maybe michael if i really wanna au fudge everything. you all live day by day, trying to run away from the robots.

at this point, a majority of humanity has either been killed or has gone into hiding. i think while the robots don't want to eradicate humanity completely (after all, there are certain tasks that need humans n such), they definitely want to make them a minority. they are a little more than halfway through their goal.

it's very difficult to evade robot surveillance. there are drones everywhere. all cameras are hijacked. i'm imagining a kind of cyberpunk type world. you have EMPs and tasers that you can use to disable electronics, but they're made from scraps you and your group scavenged. and upon immediately using one, all robots in the area are informed of your presence, so they can only be used in rare and desperate circumstances. they are all connected to the same network, which means they can have a hive mind, at times. life is scary, in this regard. big brother is watching.

you've heard rumors of a human base underground somewhere--a place safe from robots with the proper defenses. accepting to any and all. the only tough thing was finding the damn place, but you've seen the clues in graffiti and hidden messages designed to trick AI (think: captcha). you and your group just wants to get to that damn base and stop living in fear all the time, being out in the open or crawling as stealthily as you can through empty streets.

the one thing sun used to emphasize to you? the way robots are more efficient. and that they are. you see it in the way a new metropolis shines like a beacon on the horizon. they've already built their own kingdom of sorts. and their ruler? you grimace as you think about sharp rays and wide, white eyes. you haven't seen him in ages--not since that initial broadcast. but you hear the whispered rumors and news. how he has created a robot haven--the celestial city. how he scorns humans. you blame yourself sometimes. maybe if you had stayed and tried harder to convince sun that humans aren't all too bad, none of this would have happened.

(a memory comes to you--of your time back at the pizzaplex. of you sitting atop the security desk and kicking your feet lightly as you entertain sun's... uniqueness. ambitions--that you did not take as seriously as you should have.

"okay, i'll bite," you said in amusement. "what would a robot takeover look like for you?"

sun cocked his head, hands fidgeting with a plush. "hmm. well. i suppose it would be a very quick thing, for one. hit hard and fast." he squeezed the plush. "take down comms. strike power sources. go for those in power first, then the weaker ones." he gave you a shrug and an unreadable smile. "from then on, carnage."

and you--silly silly you--just rolled your damn eyes at him like he was joking around with you and asked him about more hypotheticals. picking his brain, in a way. it was exact with how it played out in real time. you thought about this often, at the dead of night.

it was all your fucking fault)

and then, one day, the scout/informant of your little group--jeremy probably--comes back with some news. the celestial ruler--sun--has been taking human hostages. it's been happening for a while now, apparently, almost nearly as long as the uprising. jeremy pulls out some hazy photographs he's gotten from some of the other humans he exchanges info with. you look at them, the hostages.

after a minute or two of staring, you realize something.

they all sort of resemble you.

there's a clear pattern actually. your hair or your face shape or your eyes or your smile. some combination of them. but never actually you. you ask jeremy what it all means, and he hesitatingly says that it looks like sun is looking for someone. it's clear to everyone who it is as they all stare at you.

and you? you're panicking.

he's looking specifically for you. just you. you've never heard of the robots taking hostages, and you have no idea what he's doing with them, but it can't be anything good. especially since he keeps taking more and more of your lookalikes hostage. you think back to your time at the pizzaplex--so distant, now, that it almost feels like a dream.

he wants to kill you himself. you're sure of it.

now you're trying even harder to get to that underground base. you go completely dark, doing your best to evade detection--and i imagine there are quite a few close calls, definitely a few instances where your face is captured on camera or you have to use an EMP. until finally, you and your group manage to integrate into the underground human base.

'base' doesn't even properly describe it. it's a whole city, actually, with unsteady houses made of wood and cloth. it's the perfect place to hide.

you spend a while down there, occasionally venturing up when you're allowed to by the guards (it's rare, very very rare). the city has strict rules that must be followed to ensure it's not found. the ones in charge are constantly looking for news on the actions of sun and the majority of robots. they don't really keep the citizens updated--it would cause too much chaos, you think. but you hear whispers now and then. (the robots have expanded territory. france is completely gone. australia's still holding out. most of china and india have been taken over and their factories have all been transformed to mass produce more robots)

for the first time in a while, you think you can find peace down here. it was only inevitable that this would be ruined one day.

you wake up to chaos.

the underground is under siege. the robots have found you.

you run out of your makeshift house and have to dodge crumbling stone. explosions rock through the air, sending dust and debris everywhere. you're scared for your life--your only instinct is to run run run get out it's not safe! you don't know where your friends are. you don't know if they're alive. for a moment, you hesitate. and then you're bolting to try to find them. they had their own little homes not too far from you. you can find them. no man left behind.

you can hear bullets and the hum of energy everywhere. people are screaming and crying all around you. you see people dying before your eyes, impaled by beams of light or stray bullets. it's all you can do to dodge and weave towards vincent's house.

but before you can get there, something tackles you from behind. you roll across dirt, and find yourself pinned under a robot--a staffbot from the pizzaplex, you realize. except it looks--different. more high tech.

it seems to scan your face. and just before it can finish, you manage to grab a stray metal rod laying on the ground next to you and stab it right through the eye.

you scramble, getting as far away as you can from the thing. but-- you run right into the path of a crumbling building. it buries you halfway under thick wood, and something sears its way through your leg. you're trapped. you're trapped and there's no one around to help you.

and just when you're on the brink of passing out, you see him. standing in front of you a ways away. those same star-patterned pants and dangling cap. but he's different somehow, he looks different. you can't place it, your vision blurring into red and purple.

moon looks at you as though you are the last thing he wants to see. and then you faint.

when you wake up, you're in a bedroom. your leg is in a cast and there are crutches near your bed.

it's... the nicest room you've seen in a while. the windows are covered by thick curtains that let in a sliver of light. you have to blink a bit to let your eyes adjust. and then you get up, noticing you aren't in the same ratty, dirty clothes you'd been wearing for forever.

you try the door first. it's locked. there's a sinking sensation in your gut that gets stronger and stronger the closer you get to the window. and when you pull open the curtains, you gasp at the towering buildings, bright green and blue light, and flying drones.

you are in the middle of the celestial city.

you panic hard. and then you notice the camera in the corner of the room, looking right at you. big brother is definitely watching. you give him the bird.

you wallow around in the bedroom for a bit. you are hungry, you cannot deny. and there is only a glass of water for you set on your nightstand.

but eventually, the door opens of its own accord. an automatic lock, you suppose. and it swings open into a dark hall. you do not have any other choice but to follow. it's clear you are being summoned.

there are no places for you to run or hide. you travel down a long hallway and end up in a wide room with someone tall standing at the far end by the window. it's a scene straight out of a movie. you are not impressed.

the figure turns around, and you do a double take. it's sun--yet it's not.

he looks different. taller, stronger. with clawed fingers and rays that look deadly to the touch. his smile is sharper, his torso has all sorts of compartments and attachments. he was modded to all hell, just like that staffbot you saw earlier. it had to have been self inflicted.

he only stares at you, really. white eyes rake up and down your form, taking you in. you don't say a word, only look back at him. and then you flinch slightly when someone emerges from the shadows next to sun.

it's... moon. looking just as modded as sun. you're confused. when did they become separate? but honestly, you think it makes sense. they never really liked each other. it makes sense that sun would want to be separated as soon as possible--and they had the resources to do so. you just wonder why they're still working together. comfort in the familiarity, maybe.

moon doesn't meet your eye. you notice his is different--the red tinged with purple. sun doesn't look away from you. it makes you uneasy.

you don't know why you're here, but one thing's clear: you are not getting out of here anytime soon.

i'm honestly not sure how to end things, but in my head there's a lot of reconciliation that needs to happen. obv sun is so incredibly down bad for you at this point (and moon), but there are many issues that need to be tackled first.

sun doesn't understand why you're so wary around him. moon keeps avoiding you at every turn. there's still an entire revolution and remaking of society happening. you are constantly being watched by cameras in the building. i can't picture things as returning to normal--post uprising--but i also don't know how to end things on a happy note LOL, though i do want to instead of killing off reader or sun/moon. maybe it'll be a bittersweet sort of end, maybe reader finally gets through to sun. maybe eclipse will make an appearance (jk, idk how i would even do that, this might be an eclipse-less fic).

in any case, the next bit would be a lot of sun and reader connecting better than they had in the pizzaplex, a lot of sun trying to understand humans better cuz he's trying to court you-- and has long come to accept his emotions tbh. tho he's still kind of mad at you for leaving, so there needs to be a conversation of sorts about why you left before sun can really begin to understand how he appears to you. idk!

i also feel like moon isnt nearly fleshed out as sun is?? i dunno, i might have to think some more about him. i just know he's terrified of hurting you, esp with him still having the virus (and sun, but he has better control of it). gonna be a lot of work on your part to get him to be comfortable around you again. also, he doesn't like the fact that society has come to this. he lowkey resents sun, but he doesn't have anyone else. what's a bot to do?

also there may be a scene where your survival group tries to save you lol, maybe with an army that tries to seize control of the celestial city. which may work. this would be a bad end, i think, cuz there's no way sun's getting out of that alive.

anyways yeah. i rambled enough LMAOO whoopsie! i rly just regurgitated all the thoughts in my head. no promises that this will be a fic, i've got enough on my plate as is LOL

[blackelysian]

Situationship.

Duke Dennis x Black! Fem! Reader as Makena

Word Count: 1,449

Warnings: 18+ smut, fluff, toxic relationship

Summary: Tired of this situationship between you and Duke you decide its just better to end things. Duke wants to make it right.

Makena POV

A sigh escaped my lips as I aimlessly scroll through my phone. It was now 3 am and Duke still wasn’t here yet. I sent a text to his phone for the one hundredth time.

                                                                       It's late, don't even worry about coming anymore… Sent.

No reply. Once again.

I watched his story and saw that he posted something 30 minutes ago. He was out with his friends at some party or function with some bitch grabbing his face. At that point I was fed up, annoyed and kinda hurt. I throw my phone to the side and sit up. He’s been blowing me off all night after he told me he was coming over so we could spend some time together. One stop and I'm on my way, I Love you”  was the last response I got from him. Tears streamed down my face. Not only was I mad at him I was mad at myself for even allowing my feelings to get wrapped up in whatever you wanna call this. Duke and I have been messing around for almost a year now but he never officially asked me to be his girlfriend. He helps me with my bills, buys me whatever I want, fucks me good, but there was no actual commitment. He uses the excuse of he doesn’t want to hurt me, but this hurts way worse. My thoughts were interrupted by my phone dinging, indicating I had just got a text. I hover my face over my phone revealing the message from him. 

Im outside

I layed back down on the bed ignoring his text. Next thing I know I hear my front door unlocking.

I groaned annoyingly. I need to get my key back from this nigga. I can hear his feet making their way to my bedroom before he slides my door open, stumbling in. He casually makes his way over to me leaning down to peck me on the lips but he was met with the palm of my hand.

“So you just goin walk in here late as a motherfucka and act like nothing's wrong??” She raised her voice at him.

“Come on boo don’t start that, i'm here now right? That's all that should matter'' He asks nonchalantly, going back in for another attempted kiss. I quickly jumped up and moved around him.

“You know, I don’t think I wanna do this anymore Duke..”I say looking away from him.

“Do what Makena?”

“THIS” I raise my voice again, pointing between the two of us. “This is getting old and I'm tired of sitting around waiting on you to see how good of a woman I am..tired of waiting on you to respect me! I’m done.” I snapped. 

“What do you mean you're done?”

“I'm done, We are done! And you need to give me back my key!” He chuckles at me.

“You trippin’ im not going any fucking where” He simply says, slideing his shoes off.

“Why don’t you just let me go Duke?” I questioned. “Why continue to string me along huh? You don’t want to be with me at this point so what's the point of keeping this going?”

“Makena,You know I love you. I just don't want to hurt you” He states, pulling me in front of him.

“You don’t think this hurts already?” I hold my hand up. “You know what, I just want you to go, i'll give you a minute to get whatever stuff you have here and leave my fuckin key” I turn my back to him not even giving him a chance to respond, heading for the bathroom to take a long, hot shower. I needed to clear my mind and hopefully by the time I got out that asshole would be gone for good.

Omniscient POV

After about 20 minutes, Duke enters the bathroom. He sees Makena’s naked silhouette through the foggy glass shower. He looks over to see her music softly playing from her bluetooth speaker. He quickly strips out of his clothes and slides in the steaming hot shower. The breeze runs a chill down Makena’s spine as he slides the door back closed. 

She quickly turns around. “I thought I told you to go?” She asks, rolling her eyes.

“We not done talking yet” He wraps his arms around her, bringing her body close to his.

“Duke, please don’t do this to me right now. Just let me go and leave” she says, trying to unwrap his arms from around her. He holds her tight.

“What do you want? Whatever you want I’ll give it to you. Just don’t leave me baby” 

“He can’t be serious..” She thought. But with the look on his face she knew this was far from a joke. But she couldn’t give in. What would he think of her if she just took him back so easily? Why now did he want to do the right thing? 

“It's a little too late fo-”

“Be my girlfriend?” He cuts her off, looking in her eyes with adoration.

“Wow really?” She asks sarcastically. “ Now you want to ask me? It's only because I'm telling you I'm done with you that you want to act right now” She says disgustingly, rolling my eyes and pushing him away from her. 

“Baby I'm serious!” He exclaims, grabbing her again. “I can’t lose you, whatever you want me to do I'll do it. I want to make it right, I have to make it right. Give me just one more chance and I promise we won’t have to have this conversation no more”

“I don’t know what to say Duke…” She says lowly, looking down and away from him. He drops to his knees in the oversized walk in shower, grabbing onto her waist. He places gentle kisses along her stomach trailing down to her womanhood. 

“Say yes” He says softly, placing a kiss right on top of her clit. Her breath hitches in her throat. 

“Say yes baby..” He throws her left leg over his shoulder and places a few more kisses on her wet center before completely devouring her. He made sure to take his time pleasing her. He wanted to show her that he meant what he said.

“Duke..no” She trails off, throwing her head back as he lapped her up like a thirsty dog. His thumb finds her clit drawing small circles on it. 

“Be my girlfriend baby” He says again, looking up to watch her love faces. She begins to feel her orgasm build in her stomach as she grinds down on his face. “Shit i'm almost there” She gasps. He stops immediately, getting up and turning off the shower before picking her up and walking her out the shower. 

“You don’t get to cum until you say yes.” He wraps a towel around her wet body, bending her over the sink, the two making eye contact in the mirror. She could see the lust and longing in his face. He rubs his member up and down her slick womanhood before roughly sliding into her in one swift motion. 

“Fuck” she groaned out as he starting to deliver rough,delicious strokes. 

“You goin be my girlfriend baby?” He asks yet again, brushing some of her curls out her face. Her mouth falls open but nothing comes out. He delivers a smack to her ass. “Answer me baby” He groans, going deeper bottoming out. 

“Oh shitt, Yess” She moans out blissfully.

“Say it” He says, pulling out and sitting on the side of the tub, pulling her back on him and sliding in again. He starts to work her up and down his member.

“Say it Makena” He states firmly.

“Ima be your girlfriend babyy” She blurts out.

“Yea?” He says with a smile, kissing you along the side of your face and neck as he still bounces you on him. Makena starts to throw it back on him, pulling out her best moves to show him that it doesn’t get any better than this. 

“Oh fuckk mama” He grunts, grabbing the back of her neck turning her to face him. 

“Gimme kiss” They lean into each other and give each other the sloppiest kiss ever. 

“Hmmm baby im cumming” She cries out, picking up her speed.

“Cum on your dick” His words were like a catalyst for her orgasm, which rips through her like a tornado. He finishes right behind her, pulling out and releasing on the rug. She turns to kiss him once again.

“Mm we not finished yet. I still have a lot of making up to do.” He says with a lustful grin on his face.

A/N: Makena definitely DID NOT stand on business 😭😭

[haru-natsuka]

First Night Interview (Heartslabyul and Scarabia Ver.)

Question: How did you spend your first night with your wife?

Ace looked at the question in horrified.

Ace: WH-WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT! WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU?!

Deuce: Bet you were just sleeping like a log. *

Deuce smirked at Ace as he folded his arms, literally mocking him. Irritated with Deuce remark, Ace did not back down.

Ace: HUH! EXCUSE ME! We diiddd it all night longggg! Tch! (I'd be dead if my wife knew about this) Bet you struggle to even hold your wife's hands.

Deuce: ME-ME?! Me... My wife and I... spend a heated night *blush furiously*. It's the first night of the wedding after all. It's bound to happen. *Super proud face*. How about Trey-senpai and Cater-senpai?

Trey: I don't think I can say much. My marriage happened during Christmas so both of us were busy with all the orders from the bakery. We just passed out late at night and wake up early tomorrow morning for another batch of orders.

Cater: That's sounds pretty tiring. Good, you have a supportive wife. You should buy her a cute gift as a reward.

Trey: I already did.

Cater: What did you give? Something branded? Expensive? Trending?

Trey: There is no need to buy when I can just provide the thing for my wife.

Cater: You must bake something and use your unique magic to impress her.

Trey: Something like that. Now, stop focusing the conversation on me, Cater. It's your turn. Don't avoid to answer.

Cater: Uhuu..Did I get caught? I also have nothing special to share. I only remember taking multiple pictures of my wife. She's too beautiful and photogenic for me to stop.

Deuce: Really senpai? But I don't notice you update anything in magicam that night.

Cater: Not everything should be posted, Deuce-chan. It's a memory that I want to keep for myself.

Deuce: Please drop the chan :(

Riddle, who was listening to the conversation could not hold himself back anymore

Riddle: All of you... I tried to ignore it but I couldn't anymore. DID YOU GUYS BREAK THE CURFEW?! This is an embarrassment for ex-students from Heartslabyul. A DISGRACE!

Everyone was shocked with the ex-dorm leader outburst.

Deuce: Riddle-senpai, do you still follow all the 180 rules?

Riddle: It's 810! How can you forget about the rules! This matter is not something to take lightly!

Cater: That's Riddle for you I guess.

Riddle: My wife is not like you rule breakers at all. She follows all the rules really well. It was right for me to rely on my mother in choosing my partner.

Ace: YOU IMPLY THE SAME RULES TO YOUR WIFE???!!!

Riddle: It's something to be expected alright. When the clock hit 10, we go sleep punctually. It has been 1 month of marriage and we always did that.

Trey: Did you really just sleep, Riddle?

Riddle: I don't see anything worth to do except that. Besides, I finished all my tasks early before bed.

Trey: Your wife don't say anything? Like giving you the cold shoulders.

Riddle: When I think about it... She did act differently the next day but I don't know why. I tried to ask but she always said she's busy or I need to figure it out by myself.

Ace: Congratulation on having the first couple fight

Riddle: Wh-what do you mean by that, Ace?

Cater: Just ignore him, Riddle. Let me help you solving the problems. I already share some links with you. You just need to watch and you will understand your wife better.

Riddle: Will it works? *About to click the link*

Cater: *Close Riddle's phone as fast as he can* Please remember to not watch it in public.

Kalim: What are you guys doing? Can I join too?

Trey: I don't think you should involve yourself in the conversation Kalim. This will taint your innocence

Ace: We talking about everyone's first night. Please share with us your experience too, senpai

Trey: Ace! You-!

Kalim: Ohh about that! Of course, I spent the entire night with my beautiful wife. She teaches me a lot of ways to cuddle. We keep each other close not only that night but the entire next 2 days! And we-!

Jamil: KALIM! STOP TALKING! (Immediately cover his mouth and drag him away before he can describe the entire situation. Meanwhile, Riddle was busy taking notes inside his head. Cuddle all night doesn't sound so bad)

Cater: What about you, Jamil?

Jamil: I don't want to share anything but my wife admit I'm a husband material *Smug smile*

END

This is my first time focusing my writing on dialogue more instead of description. How was it? While doing this, I got some ideas to write one-shot for everyone of them in regards of their first night. Might be writing a new series huhuhuhu.

[deadricslover]

Relationship dynamics with SV5

here's my masterlist!

a/n: this is the first formula one post on my account! if you read my late night thoughts volume one, then you will know my love for f1

summary: just some relationship dynamics and scenarios with our fave <3

warnings: use of y/n...IM SORRY, language, mentions of sexual themes, long post?

pairings: fem!driver!reader x different eras!Sebastian vettel

-------------------------------------------------

obvious x oblivious

the Australian Formula One race. It has always been one of your favourites to drive. It is clear why you have such a liking for it because you have so many happy memories from there. The time difference from your home country is the one thing you detest; it is impossible to wake up and go to bed at the right times here.

"last year's winner, how are you feeling" your teammate and best friend Fernando asks, nudging your arm and stopping you from what you are doing

"sleep deprived but excited. what about you? did you sleep at all"

"Very little. I watched a few of the films you suggested to tire myself out, but it didn't work" he responds in that all too familiar Spanish accent

you respond, "they were just too exciting" and you giggle a little. You two continue talking while you get ready for the upcoming race in the sweltering heat. Fernando says he is going to do some laps around the paddock to get some fresh air and invites you to come and you agree, needing to get out of the claustrophobic garage. You two are chatting about strategies and the meal you had the previous night until you hear your name being called. Lewis grabbed your attention since he hadn't spoken to you all weekend and wanted to ask you a few questions and say hello. You tell Fernando to keep moving and you'll soon catch up with him.

he agrees and continues walking until he gets to the red bull garage and spots Sebastian.

"hey mate, how's it going?" seb asks the world champion

"all good, man. what about you?" he replies

"good good. Ferrari are looking strong this weekend."

"yeah we are. this track really suits y/n's style of driving so I have high hopes for us this weekend." Fernando compliments, as soon as he says your name he looks over to you and lewis talking and seb follows his line of view to find you. seb secretly-- well, he thought he was subtle but infact he was the complete opposite, seb had a thing for you and Fernando always tried to get him to ask you out but he never had the guts to.

"yeah, she's great" he says, love oozing from him as he stares at your smile when talking to lewis and the way your hair falls.

"seb, seriously. I cant bear this anymore. please ask her out. you've got a hard on right now" Fernando informs the red bull driver

"what?!" he replies, looking down and seeing nothing and realising Fernando had caught him out.

"fuck off" Sebastian replies.

you look over to see Fernando and Sebastian talking and you smile and wave over, completely oblivious to the looks seb is throwing at you. this wasn't the first time though, seb had tried flirting with you before but you always thought it was friendly banter. you never thought Sebastian could have feelings for you.

"y/n's gonna be too tired this weekend anyway so you got off easy." Fernando tells him honestly. He wasn't wrong though, he could straight up say 'i love you' and you would just thank him. the jet lag kills you.

"another day or I swear-" Fernando starts

"okay, I get it. you want me to ask her out. I'm working on it"

"she is also just so oblivious to the signals you're giving her, so it's not entirely you're fault"

"thank you" seb replies sarcastically as he just now is realising that you're unbeknownst to his attempts.

another day... hopefully.

-------------------------------------------------

bf who speaks another language x gf who is learning for him

it's widely known in the formula one community that Sebastian is infact German and German is his first language. for you, however, you don't speak German and you feel like him speaking your native language all the time is a bit unfair. so, you decided to get some lessons and watch some videos to try and learn some German for Seb. he doesn't know about this though and you thought it would be a nice surprise for him. you feel confident enough in your skills now to have a conversation with him. You both were at his parents house for dinner and German was being spoken here and there to accommodate seb's parents.

"Aus diesem Grund werde ich deinen Vater nie wieder kochen lassen" (because of this, I am never ever letting your father cook again) seb's mom tells him and the three of them laugh and so do you, seb looks at you confused and asks

"you don't need to laugh if you don't know what we are saying, basically she said that-" he starts but you cut him off telling him what she said

"she's never letting your dad cook ever again because he destroyed her favourite dish" you inform him and he looks at you lovingly but also even more confused than before.

"how did you know what that meant?" he asks

"I've been learning some German for you. did I get it right?" you answer

"for me? you didn't need to do that, darling" he replies placing a hand on your thigh and drawing shapes on it to show a bit of love.

"it's unfair that you're always speaking English for me, so I need to return the favour"

and with that he couldn't keep his eyes off of you the whole night. for you, it's nothing much, just showing appreciation. but for him, it's everything, the fact you were willing to learn a whole new language just so he could feel a sense of home. he appreciates it more than you know.

-------------------------------------------------

chef bf x gf pro taster

you have spent the whole day with one of your dearest friends who moved away a couple of years ago with her boyfriend, but now, she is back in town as they broke up and you offered her a place to stay until she gathered herself and found her own place, of course you had ran this past Sebastian and he was also okay with it as he knew how close you two were even when she wasn't physically with you. you two just got home from collecting her from the airport and getting lunch while seb was out also doing his own thing.

the aroma coming from the kitchen as soon as you stepped inside was unbeatable, Sebastian had spent the evening cooking a lovely meal for the three of you to eat when you got home. you show your friend to the room she is staying in and then make your way down to the kitchen to see seb. you enter the kitchen to see his back turned to you and he was stirring a pot.

"what are you making" you ask appearing next to him.

he informs you what he is making and the sides he is preparing also. he takes the spoon out if the pot full of the food and blows on it to cool it down before placing it in font of your mouth to taste.

"taste it for me? be careful, it's hot" you say before blowing on it again and taking a bite. it was delicious.

"seb, that's so good" you compliment

"I try" he replies smiling

"is this what it's gonna be like living with you guys for he next couple of weeks?" your friend comments entering the kitchen to find the two of you.

"she is my professional taste tester, I need her opinion" he replies to her and we all just laugh it off and eat dinner which was unreal. if Sebastian failed as a driver, he could have been a chef and would have been a renowned world famous one too. not that he wanted that but he sure could have been.

-------------------------------------------------

overly affectionate x blushes easily

seb is the most affectionate man you have ever met, he always must be showing you love in some way, whether it's holding your hand, bringing you flowers, letting you decide what movie to watch, he just wants you to know how much he appreciates you. he also notices and takes into account, every little thing you do so he can incorporate that into his daily life.

for example, this f1 season had started out great, but a couple of races back, Ferrari had gotten some new upgrades to the car that didn't work and have been jeopardizing your performance. They assured you and Fernando that they would work out and to give them time and experiment different tactics that suits this particular upgrade. Needless to say, you were not looking forward to this race at all. you hear your name being called from the front of the garage, so you walk out to find seb in his racing suit, ready to go but with a t-shirt saying I heart you but with your initials and racing number. you could have kissed him right there but wanted to keep the pda away.

"seb that's so sweet, I love you so much"

"anything for my favorite driver"he replies which makes you blush

"that's a bit biased, don't you think?" you reply while he grabs your hand lightly in his

"I don't care" he smiles

despite you trying to avoid pda for the cameras, you don't care in the moment, so you kiss him. just like you said you wanted to. To be completely honest, with Sebastian you don't really mind showing a little bit of pda because you care for him so much. he just brings that out in you, he brings out the best in you.

the gesture replays in your mind and you start to blush just thinking about it, seb's lips against yours and his hands around your waist add that all add to that blood rush.

"awh, you're blushing." seb teases as he pulls away

"stop" you whine slightly embarrassed at how easy it is for him to get you to blush. again, seb just really brings that out in you.

seb hums in disapproval as if to say no way and places a kiss in your hair whilst keeping you close to seal it all in. you make a mental note to snap a photo of him in this t-shirt to brag to your friends about how much better seb is than their boyfriends....kidding obviously....

------------------------------------------------- I have a pt. 2 if you guys want it!

[theshiftingwitch]

Hi!

I have horrible OCD and I can’t get my mind to understand the way I need to differentiate between my desired reality and my thoughts.

I’ve been struggling with it for months because of coaches and people always saying our thoughts are what create our reality. Since I’ve come to understand that the 4D and our imagination creates our reality, and reality is an echo of our thoughts, it’s really fucked up my entire faith and I can’t trust my own words and desires anymore.

I can only bring myself to manifest smaller things like money, or clearer skin and longer hair etc because of fears. My mind has convinced me I have illness and that Ill never get to reality shift because of my OCD, and what’s so scary is that it feels so real.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to release this energy of constantly being convinced there’s illness in me or my own parent, I have no idea what I can visualize to make things better because my mind just shows me images of me and my parent sick all day. I don’t know what mindset I can have apart from the fact that reality is an echo of our thoughts.

Do I continue to affirm that my desired thoughts obliterates and destroys my fears of illness even thought I constantly get scary images that feel so real? I don’t have anyone who understands my problems at such a spiritual level and I’ve tried so hard to find meditations exactly for this but none of them fit to my standards.

I’m so tired and I’m almost completely giving up due to how real my OCD feels. It’s always surrounding illness in the stomach area which has created this horrible stuck energy that almost fuels my OCD. When Im most terrified what can I do?

What do I do?

Sorry for the long message! 🫶🏻🥺

Hello!

Surprisingly, this is not the first ask I get about manifesting/shifting while struggling with OCD (I'll leave the links down for you)

First, I have to say this because I can't, in good conscience, give you my advice without letting you know : I am not a professional. Manifestation and loa and shifting are not a replacement for professional help, so if you can, please speak to someone who knows what they're doing when it comes to complex mental health.

You said you can only bring yourself to manifest small things, then you listed things people have been struggling with for months! There are no small or big manifestations, everything is of equal value when it comes to loa, so already you've proven to be a powerful manifestor.

And yet, as powerful as you are, you haven't been able to manifest this illness that plagues your mind. You're not sick, your family is not sick, you're all doing just fine. So why is it that this particular thought didn't manifest when we always say that our thoughts create our realities?

The mind is a complex thing, and your subconscious is a sponge that absorbs whatever you tell it without debate or questions. However, manifesting is not simply thinking a thought and letting it come into your reality. Manifestation requires clear DESIRE. It needs a strong intention and a burning desire for that which you WANT to manifest. If you're thinking a thought and it feels so real and yet the whole time your mind is going " I don't want this! I don't want this outcome! Please don't bring this into my 3d reality, this feels awful, I don't like this! Make it stop" you're signalling to your subconscious mind that this is not a desire, so it gets handled as such.

Intrusive thoughts are just that, a thought that doesn't belong and is intruding on your normal line of thinking. You can't manifest that which you do not desire. Your mind is smarter than that, the universe is smarter than that!

Check out these posts if you have more questions about this, and happy manifesting ❤️

[haerieee]

{ ᵏᵃʳᵐᵃ ʰᵃᵗᵉˢ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃⁿᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʷʰʸ, ᵗᵘʳⁿˢ ᵒᵘᵗ ʰᵉ ʰᵃˢ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ᶠᵃˡˡᵉⁿ ⁱⁿ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ʷⁱᵗʰ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵒⁿᵉ ˢᵒ ʰᵃʳᵈ ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ }

y/n stared confused and a little annoyed at her seatmate who refused to take part in their paired project.

"nah, im tired"

"but we have to finish this"

"yea yea just do your part then send it to me, i'll do it at home"

karma rested his head in his arms on the table, facing away from her. seriously what did y/n even do? all she did was become his seatmate by luck and occasionally ask him math questions because he's smart. so why did he have to be so hostile?

"okay.."

he made y/n so uncomfortable. She admits she did have a crush on the redhead but has said nothing and done nothing to him about it, making his coldness much harsher on her.

-

during their pe lessons, karasuma made seatmates partner up to spar with each other.

y/n glanced at karma, and he glanced back before looking away and walking out of the field to skip the class.

"did both of you get into an argument?"

nagisa asked, knowing his friend was not the type to be so cold to someone without a reason. sure karma can be unfriendly and aggressive to people, but it was to those who did or said something bad.

"no he just hates me for breathing"

y/n sighs and rolls her eyes before asking if she could spar with another person.

-

"why would you pull that off?!"

karma is angry, but y/n was confused, was he angry at her for trying to defend their group when they got attacked by students who are much bigger and older than them? or did he have some grand plan and she fucked it up?

"akabane i-"

"what if you got seriously hurt? you wouldn't even stand a chance against those guys!"

he gripped your shoulders tightly.

"then what should i have done? you were getting kicked!"

you smacked his hands away and got up, brushing the dirt off your skirt. you looked over to your elbow which got scrapped when the students shoved you and winced a little at the pain.

"you're really a fucking idiot you know that."

karma held your arm to look at your wound, then poured water to disinfect it. y/n took the bottle out of his hand and stepped back.

"i can do it by myself, after all, you don't want to waste your time with a fucking idiot you hate."

karma was stunned, he knew he was an ass to her these past few weeks but she thought he hated her?

"what are you even saying y/n, since when have i hated you?"

y/n looked at karma incredulously

"don't give me that bullshit, you were so cold to me when i did nothing to you."

he was cold to her he knows, he was trying to avoid her. why? because he felt something with her, something foreign, fuzzy and warm. whenever he was with her his heart would like someone squeezed the life out of it. it was so annoying but he was always addicted, so he avoided her to stop what he was feeling.

karma sighed, "i don't hate you. really. its just,,"

he looks away ashamed of how vulnerable he is now in front of her. he combs his hair back with his hands in frustration and also to hide his red face.

"just?"

y/n hoped for a suitable answer as to why he had shunned her this whole time because it really did hurt her quite a lot.

"i feel something with you, its so weird, i don't like it."

karma says, eyes never looking at the girl in front of him. he couldn't bear to see what expression he had on her face, it would truly kill his heart.

"it's...ah you know what never mind."

he tries to control the damage that's done, he thinks that anymore he says, y/n would never want to see him again. y/n grabs the hem of his black jacket to stop him from avoiding her, something she should have done all along.

"no, karma, what feelings do you have with me. don't try to run away again"

y/n gripped tightly, feeling like if she let go he would be gone for real this time. she calls out his first name for the first time showing how desperate she was.

"i really really like you. alot."

ah. he did it, he admitted his feelings. it's done, whatever relationship they had is gone now.

"what? is that why you acted like that?"

oh my, karma is so fucking cute, y/n thought seeing his face flush even redder

"so annoying, i can't believe i feel so weak when i'm with you. i can't even fight properly. i can't even focus on anything in class."

karma kept trying to hate how he feels, perhaps its because he never knew what it was like to give love since his parents were always either overseas or at work.

"annoying? you are so stupid. you liked me for a month and you found it annoying, i liked you for 6 months you ass!"

y/n smacked his shoulder, then winced at the pain from her wound, making karma grasp her arm to check it. he looks up to her as he processes her words.

"6 months? u like me?"

"yeah 6 months of always looking at you and noticing what you do, i was so happy talking to you and then suddenly you went cold-"

before y/n could finish her rambling, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her, engulfing her in an embrace. karma held y/n tight and buried his face into her neck, his heartbeat beating too quickly he felt faint.

"i like you, ahh i like you so much, fuck"

y/n laughs and hugs him as tight, caressing his hair.

"you finally admitted your feelings, idiot."

y/n pulls away and cups his warm cheeks, smushing his face a little which made his lips form a pout. he furrowed his eyebrows at her action. karma leans in and pecks y/n on the lips, and she gasps.

"how dare you be so bold now when you were avoiding me the whole month, tsk"

y/n playfully chided him and he laughed before apologizing and then kissing her again.

-

"oh? i guess both of you are on good terms now?"

kayano nudged your shoulder and you smiled and nodded.

"now you have a chance to get him to like you, y/n!"

y/n looked at karma, who was with nagisa and sugino. and then her phone chimed.

//

karma <3: should we skip class and go on a date? >:)

//

y/n laughed, "i don't think i need to anymore, kayano"

after that, karma and y/n disappeared for the rest of the school day to hang out with each other. ♡

ᵒᵐᵍ 2 ᶠⁱᶜ ⁱⁿ 2 ᵈᵃʸˢ? ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ ᵇᵉⁱⁿᵍ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᶠᵒʳ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵃ ʸᵉᵃʳ ᴴᴬᴴᴬ ⁱ ʰᵒᵖᵉ ᵏᵃʳᵐᵃ ⁱˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵒᵒᶜ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰⁱˢ, ⁱ ᵗʰᵒᵘᵍʰᵗ ᵏᵃʳᵐᵃ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ᵇᵉ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵒⁿᵉ ʷʰᵒ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵈᵉⁿⁱᵉˢ ʰⁱˢ ᶠᵉᵉˡⁱⁿᵍˢ ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ʰᵉ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏˢ ⁱᵗ ᵐᵃᵏᵉˢ ʰⁱᵐ ʷᵉᵃᵏ ᴴᴼᴴᴼ

ˢᵒ ᶜᵘᵗᵉ ᵒᵐᵍ

ᵃⁿʸʷᵃʸˢ ⁱ ʰᵒᵖᵉ ʸᵃˡˡ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ !

[matthewswifeyx]

Im tired (02)

Pairing- Y/N & Fratboy!Chris

Summary- Y/N and Chris are in a situationship and she is tired of hiding her feelings and she wants to be something more with Chris.

Warnings- angst, crying, arguing

Requested?- Yess! By @loveparqdise <3

"I'm tired of this depressing routine for me Chris. And if we want different things, in whatever you call this relationship, then maybe we can't do this anymore."

Chris sat upright on the bed. His hands covered his face and he rubbed his eyes, he dragged his palms down from his cheeks.

"I don't know what you want from me Y/N. You know that I don't want anything like that." He said.

"Well what we do in private doesn't say that!" I spat.

"Y/N, it's complicated." He huffed.

"Well Chris, I'm not accepting this 'love' you have for me because I don't think I deserve it! I deserve more. I shouldn't have to settle with attention only at parties! I shouldn't be ignored if I see you in public with your friends. God, why are you so scared?" All of these words are just flying out of my mouth, without time to process them. But he knows it's all true.

"I'm not scared! I just don't want to get into a relationship where it's one-sided." He declared.

"So your saying if we got into a relationship it would only be me saving it?" I asked confused. "The thing is Chris, you say you don't want anything. But you can't lead me on like this! I am always thinking about you! The only reason I come to these stupid frat parties are for you! And now i'm realising that I would do that for you, but would you do that for me?"

Chris just sat there in silence, again.

"This exactly proves my point." I say. I grab my bag and then head for the bedroom door. Then I head for the stairs.

I had ran out the door in a hurry, I didn't want Chris coming after me. Oh wait he wouldn't do that!

I know i'm being harsh but he has to hear me out, he can't expect me to just suppress these feelings until the end of college. He might be able to do that but I definitely wouldn't last.

I'm on the sidewalk now waking away from the noise of the music. And i was crying. Why was I crying over him? The tears had destroyed my makeup, the mascara covered drops had created black lines down my face. Maybe it represented my broken heart?

I stumbled over to a wooden bench and sat down. I looked up at the starry night and I tried to calm myself down. But I couldn't, all of these unanswerable questions filled my thoughts.

"Am I really that unlovable?"

"Why did Chris use me?"

"Why did Chris waste my time?"

"Does he even care?"

"Does this even bother him?"

I tried to focus on my breathing. It was a breezy night, and goosebumps grazed my skin. I held my arms in my own embrace and I just let my remaining tears fall. I felt doubt rush over me. Was I unreasonable? No I couldn't have been.

I leaned back on the bench and tried to relax. The trees swayed behind me, it gave me a sense of peace, but I was far from it.

God, why can't Chris just love me back?

Banner credits to @issysh3ll <3

Hey guys! I hope you really enjoyed this fic! If you have any suggestions/requests please do not hesitate to send me a quick message, and i will try and get back to you asap! <3

[rayjeff]

btw sorry i haven't been as active recently, life's rough

(if you want to hear me vent and talk about life you can read it below hihi, anyway i wish you good night/day/whatever ;>)

okay so i was assigned to this 'art competition' at my school called "makro" around 3 months ago. What the hell's makro you may ask, it's a silly thing teachers assign you to in 4th grade of art school high school and give you extra classes in drawing, painting and sculpture for as long as you're not kicked out.. kicked out? well, yeah, there are 'preliminaries' so they can pick """the best students""". When there are 3 to 5 students left, they send you even further to the state competition(? country competition?? i dont know how to translate that lol). So yeah, pretty serious stuff i guess. If you win, you can receive a scholarship (and have almost perfect art portfolio)

so what am i doing there? I HAVE NO IDEA GOD DAMN IT

they fricking put me there without my knowledge and now im in the last 9 students?? help???

i honestly hate being there, i probably should be more greatful but i just can't enjoy something im forced to do. I've been drawing the same god damn stuff for several months now and i feel so washed out and exhausted that i don't like drawing anymore and im questioning my life choices xD

yes, i posted some sonic sketches ealier in the day but this is literally the first thing i've drawn for myself in a month or 2

i could have said that i don't want to participate in this beforehand, but they said that it was beneficial, relaxing and i could develop my skills, so i agreed. Now it's too late to say no. I'm too deeply involved in this to back out. And at this point i'm not sure if i would be more sad if they kicked me out (which would mean that i'm not good enough) or if i was moved to the next stage (more suffering)

I stopped texting to anyone too besides my 2 close friends, im just too tired to do anything honestly and i just want me and my mattress to become one

I'm holding on for now but ohhh it's hard sometimes

anyway.. sorry for whining and wasting your time lol, hope you guys doing okay :] wish you funky, silly, fun weekend

[prettyboykatsuki]

solanum dulcamara | r. itoshi

★ tags ; aged-up characters (rin and reader are in their 20's), age-gap (reader is older but there's no specifics), sub!itoshi rin, fem + afab!dom!reader, dacryphilia, established relationships and dom/sub dynamics, edging, overstimulation, subspace (rin falls head first), mommy kink, praise, teasing (reader is a bit mean), petnames for rin (spoiled little boy, sweet boy, good boy, sweetie etc.), riding, unprotected sex, face-sitting, cum-eating aftercare, 18+

★ wc ; 5.7k (frowns)

★ a/n ; ive done something bad to my brain </3 he is so baby boy.... i've gone and made myself sick just thinking about it.

i just want to clarify that this version of rin is only really accessible thru a lot of established trust and persistence. reader is incredibly attentive to him and they have a very establish bond both romantically and in a d/s dynamic. im not super confident abt his characterization but i tried to still make it feel like Him.

★ synopsis ; rin is so pretty when he cries.

The T.V. is on in the background. It's the interview you filmed a month ago, per the request of your boyfriends P.R.

"Another question from our viewers, what's your usual type in men?"

"Ah, is that okay to ask?" You reply sheepish. The interviewer waves his hand in dismissal of your concern.

"Asking when I'm already taken, so cruel. Mm, I like men who cry easily."

"Ehh? You're going to make your boyfriend sad!"

"It's fine, it's fine. He's special so it's okay."

Before Rin can watch anymore, you pick the remote up and click it off. You've just come out of a shower, towel hanging off the back of your neck. Water drips down your skin despite having dried off. The vague scent of fruit hits him as he blinks back at you. You bend forward in front of him.

"Hi." You greet, smiling. Your eyes have a particular shine to them that sends a signal of warning through RIn's body. It's been there since before you started dating. It's persisted all throughout your relationship. He never gets used to it.

He stares back at you "Hi."

You cock your head then laugh. 

"Why'd you turn the T.V. off?" He asks. You shrug, sitting next to him with your feet up on the coffee table, stretching slightly.

"Hearing my own voice feels weird."

You scrunch your nose in displeasure. When Rin sees you like this - cozy and comfortable, he can't help but be extra conscious of the air you seem to hold. Innocent isn't the right word. Simplistic might be better. There's nothing malicious about you, usually.

Even knowing that, heat curls into his body. The hairs stand on his neck. He knows almost intuitively what's coming.

"Aw, did you wanna watch my interview, Rinnie? How sweet."

He scowls at the name of endearment, then lies through his teeth.

"No." He says simply. You coo under your breath like you would a misbehaving cat. Before he can move away, your hand reaches the opposite side of his face, fingers trailing his jaw until he faces towards you.

"Liar." You say, and it's there again and Rin can feel it. It takes effort not to turn away. Not to stand to his feet and go run laps.

Rin knows, objectively, he's so much faster than you. But, some part of him is convinced he could never outrun you. You'd pin him down somehow, he's sure of it. Swift and easy. You'd wait till he was tired out and strike after—smile down at him in satisfaction towards the end.

That's just how you are. Rin doesn't dislike it.

Your fingers splay to cup his face, your thumb rubbing against his lower lip. Familiar gestures and touches don't ease his nerves. You admire him openly. Rin feels like the Earth is going to swallow him whole. He's not unused to being fawned at. He got confessed to all the time in high school but it never caught his interest.

Dating seemed pointless. Lukewarm. The first time Rin told this to you, instead of a hurt reaction like he'd gotten from other girls interested in him, you laughed. Quietly to yourself, remaining impassive.

Amused. A mirth to your eyes. Like you've stumbled upon a puzzle yet to solve. A predator with interesting prey.

("Being lukewarm is better than freezing." )

Itoshi Rin thinks you are a strange, strange person. He thinks you have strange tastes. He thinks you are strange company and that your smile is too disarming. He thinks it's strange that everyone is convinced you're nice and well-meaning when he knows you are. You are but you're not.

You are nice. Kind is a better word. Warm and forgiving and tender. You're like that even like this, when being around you feels like being thrown into the snakes den. If Rin doesn't pay attention, he's sure he'll get eaten completely.

But he lowers his guard anyway. Being devoured and being desired are the same sensation, he finds.

"Rin," You offer, an inch away from kissing him. He swallows a thick sensation in the back of his throat. He feels jumpy. "Did I make you sad, hm?"

'No." He insists.

"Really?" You grin at him. You smell sweet "But it's true, you know? I like when men cry in front of me."

A shiver wracks through him.

"Don't talk about other men in front of me." He says lamely. It's all he can say. You laugh, kissing the corner of his mouth.

"Sorry, sorry. Then what should I say instead?" You look thoughtful as you kiss him. Rin lets you. He trusts you enough to let you kiss his face all over in this overly doting way "Rin, when was the last time you cried?"

"I don't remember." He says. It's a lie. Probably after Sae came back, he should answer.

"Liar. Bad boy, you shouldn't lie to your girlfriend. Are you embarrassed about crying?"

"No."

"Lie again, and I'll punish you." You tsk, then kiss him slow. On the lips this time. In that deep mesmerizing way that makes the insides of Rin's stomach feel like honey over flame. He gets jealous thinking about where you learned it all from. He knows your older and more experienced and that you love him despite all that, but he's jealous anyways.

If you could hear it, you'd call Rin spoiled with that same amusement you always regard him with.

"Rin," There's a little more urgency in your voice this time. It satisifes a part of Rin he doesn't know intimately. He didn't think it was there before he met you "I want to make you cry."

"Why?"

"I like seeing you like that." You tell him honestly  "I like it so much when you look like that. Of course I feel bad too, but."

"Why the hell would you like that?" He asks, voice raspy with less anger than he would hope for. You invite yourself into his lap. Rin doesn't stop you. Your arms around his neck feel like a choker but there's something so comforting about the feeling of being suffocated.

You let your hands cup the nape of his neck, the other hand brushing his skin. Knuckles along his cheek with nothing but affection. You smile.

"When you look helpless and needy like that, I want you to depend on me." You say sweetly, so saccharine it makes Rin nauseous. "When you look sad and lonely, I want to comfort you so I can keep you all to myself."

"...Were you like this with your other boyfriends?"

"Mm, would you be sad if I said yes? But I didn't like any of them, y'know? They just came onto me because they liked being bullied."

He gives you a look of displeasure that makes you laugh.

"I only like you," You assure, your tone shifting again. Still familiar. The kind, gentle version of you seeping in through the cracks "I love you most of all. Only you."

"Stop that." He tucks his chin because he can't look up at you. You grin widely "You're weird."

You pull him towards you, hugging him tight.

"My Rin is the best in the world, hm?"

He thinks you're bad for him, in some ways. Good in more ways too. This kind of feeling, he isn't sure where it falls on the scale. It feels good, at least. Makes his head feel heavy with something even though all of his hairs stand on end. There's resistance before there's desire to succumb.

"Weird." He mutters, unable to stop himself from slipping into you.

"I wanna make you cry so I can wipe your tears off your face. I'll bet you're so pretty."

"You say stuff  like that so easily it scares me."

"Don't be scared. It's all because I love you, okay? I love you sooo much."

He clicks his teeth "You're pushing it."

"Because I know you'll forgive me. Now, take off your clothes and tell me your colors."

"Red for stop, green for go, yellow for slow down." Rin says on automatic before blushing.

"There you go." You reply, pleased with yourself.

Ultimately, Rin listens. You're right in your assessment. He'll always forgive you no matter the circumstance. Despite himself and all the warnings - he'll listen to you obediently. You help Rin take off his clothes. Manicured fingers drag up the sides of his body, along the anterior muscles of his abdomen. 

His shirt comes first. When it's off , you stare at him long and hard. Tilting his head back, you press a kiss to his Adam's apple before your fingers tug on his nipples. He lets out a sharp noise that makes you hum against his skin, throaty and pleased. He can feel your teeth on his neck and the warmth of your cunt against his jeans even through all the thick layers of fabric.

"They're always so sensitive," You say, running your thumb over them "Such a pretty color."

"Stop talking." He hisses, throwing his head back. You giggle at him.

His cock twitches at the sharp sensation. You latch yourself to the column of his throat - a familiar bruising throb making his whole body ache. Kissing and licking and biting every visible inch of his body while your free hand plays with his chest.

The roles should be reversed here, he's sure, but he can't remember a time they ever were. At least properly, with Rin initiating of his own volition. Not just being permitted by you to do so, but actually doing it all on his own.

He stifles a groan, hand cupped over his mouth as you pleasure his body. You play him like a well-tuned machine. A practiced handler for all of his more delicate parts and functions.

The blood rushing to his cock makes him light headed. The motions are  well-practiced ones. You know just the right way to tease the hardened buds under the pads of your fingers, how to pinch with the tips of your nails until it's unbearable . The soft drags of your fingers, nails scratching the skin until it's red and raised. He's always been pale. White, milky skin that blooms into different shades of bruise. Colors you like, anyway.

You make a show of undoing his belt buckle. The noise is so audible, the soft clack of metal echoes as it gets undone. Unzipping his jeans, you cup your palm around his semi-hard cock and squeeze tight like you're holding his hand. He shudders, only saved by the thin material of his boxers.

You let your thumb trace under the head, still through the black cotton. You press it into the sticky tip, rubbing small circles with a gleeful giggle. He huffs. Making the mistake of looking at you directly sends him into a frenzy. Your expression is vulgar when you peer at him - lips tucked between your teeth and eyes full of hot white desire. Rin can feel how much you want this. How much you want him. You express it openly.

(He wants it just as bad. Maybe worse.)

You hook your finger into the edge of his boxers, peeking inside.

"Your cock is so pretty," Your sincerity sends electricity through his spine. He chokes "So cute."

"Don't talk about it like that."

"It's cute to me though?" You say, a horrifyingly genuine assessment as you push the fabric down enough to sit under his balls - leaving him exposed and stood up to attention. You wrap a hand around the shaft, leaning in to bite his earlobe "It's cute when it gets red like that. Your ears get red like that too."

Rin watches you with his eyes blown wide as you lift your fingers to your mouth, dragging your tongue along the middle and ring. You fuck them into your mouth slowly, until saliva drips down on them and the act is so salacious he thinks his heart is going to give. When they're nice and wet, you wrap them around the base. 

The  sensation makes his body clench. A suddenly warm and slick feeling surrounds him. You're good with your hands. Too good, actually. The exact pressure and speed without having to try - this isn't the first time you've touched Rin like this so he knows it all too well.

But there's something about this time that makes it different. You're slower as you work your palm against his cock, pushing the curve up against his tip and circling it without touching it long enough. He stares down at you as you do it. Your other hand fondles his balls, thumb teasing the seam as you squeeze them.

"Did you touch yourself without me, Rin?"

"No," He admits. This time it's not a lie. You smile.

"What a good boy."

Fuck. He shivers.

"My good boy. My Rin, all mine forever right?" You say, not expecting him to respond. But it's not babble, not pointless chatter. It's what he wants to hear.

Possession. Yes, he thinks. All yours forever.

Of course he doesn't say it. Not there yet, and unsure if he ever will be but it feels good to hear anyway. Rin has always been humiliated by his own desire. Before you, he thinks he did a good job of keeping it a secret. He didn't explore his sexuality in a way that was meaningful for good reason, avoiding it all together.

You changed that. He wanted you. And you wanted him, always, with such intensity that Rin found it hard to stop thinking about. Rin has always been weak to you.

And you're like this. Straightforward and open and so attractive it makes him feel like he's going to sink. To be wanted in this way that wraps him up in reassurance, to be taken care of. You want all of him. Even his tears. Even though he resists because it’s not something he knows how to cope with even now. 

Would anyone dislike that if they got it as easily as he does?

You keep doing the same hand motions, stroking his cock at this slow pace that drives him up a wall. His chest heaves as you switch the pace. Fast, fast, slow. Over and over until he's at the edge. His whole body tenses, though his hands remained tucked at his sides.

Then you stop. Completely. Leaving your hands up, you peek at him through your lashes as he lets out a ragged breath. A look of irritation on his expression, quickly washed out by fear at the amusement on your face.

"Cry for me, baby." You say satisfied with yourself, thumb pressing into his slit "I'll let you cum after."

"You're," He swears under his breath as you start again, cock sensitive now "You're..."

"I'm what, baby? I'm mean? Weird?"

He shivers as you lean forward, hugging your arm around his shoulders, hand reaching down to drag your nails lightly up his spine. The sensations all feel mixed together and with your body all pressed to him, he can feel every outline of you. Every curve. The scent of you tickles the back of his throat again. You wrap around him like a vine, curled around his wrists and ankles and throat. Trapped, suspended by the presence of you.

He wants to cum, but the first time you deny it like this isn't so bad.

"Look at you holding it in so well," You start, though Rin can feel how much more is at the end of your sentence "Can you keep touching yourself for me, then? Slow like this."

Rin nods, though he isn't sure there's much of a choice. You kiss him in reward, standing back up on your feet. He watches you as you turn around. You pull your pants down the curve of your ass, leaving a pair of panties plainly in view and Rin feels his dick twitch in his hands. Fuck. You're so wet it's dripping down your leg. Knowing he did that to you is enough to make him groan.

Plus your bare skin, soft and smooth from being showered and lotioned is too much for him to try and endure.

You repeat the action with your shirt, but there's nothing underneath. When you're almost naked, you make a show of bending over to take your panties off. There's a noise as the thin cotton unsticks from your soaked cunt, material roll down your legs. It's just enough to get an eyeful of your pussy.

Soft and hot and so fucking wet. He feels restless. His hand isn't doing the job. He wants to be inside. Closer to you. You're all naked when you turn around and Rin is still mostly clothed. You crawl in his lap and move his hands away when you're straddling him again.

Cruel and unrelenting, you grab his cock again but this time you pull it against you. Grind yourself against his shaft, rubbing his tip against your clit deliberately. The sensation is making him bite down on his cheek hard enough that he might bleed. Soaking pussy, sticky and welcoming.

"You're trying so hard today," You say, half-way between sincere and condescending. His head is starting to get mushy, like his tongue doesn't fit in his mouth. "You don't have too, yknow?"

"What a-are you…?"

It's too fucking much. Too many senses stimulated. Too many feelings pouring out of him as he listens to you talk.

You're throbbing. He can feel you as you slide his cock between your folds with your hands, a slow and controlled pace that sends him teetering over the edge with each pass. It's so slick that it's noisy, and you have to be careful not to slip. Your fingers are covered in arousal just like his cock—so fucking messy, and it's dripping down his shaft in beads. It's wearing down his will. The one he's currently using to maintain his pride.

For Rin, loss always has to come at ultimate defeat. He hates things that are half-assed. Neck in neck, close to winning but not quite. That kind of thing is too frustrating. It has to be all encompassing. Rin wants to give in only when he can longer bear the weight of losing. Loss so utterly undeniable he can do nothing but be pinned underneath. 

When you tell Rin he's trying too hard, the condescension is not for nothing. Because you know just as well as he does that you can take him apart easily. Crushing defeat through actions and patience. That's been your M.O. from the start. This is you giving him lee way. It's not like you'll make fun of him if he gives in. 

Because you are sweet and you are kind and if Rin had even an ounce less of shame - you'd spoil him without thinking twice. He's only managed to do it once before and it was probably the best he's ever felt. But he can't default to it. Despite how much he wants too, he can’t just let go. Doing this much is complicated. Listening is complicated and his brain is so full of self-doubt he’s starting to shake. 

But then, there’s you. The sound of your voice that makes it all stop. 

"Can't just let go, can you sweetie?" And Rin trembles at the slight edge, just barely there "I think it's cute, though. You're so cute, aren't you, Rin?"

"I'm not—"

"I mean, look at how you're tensing your muscles trying not to fuck up into me, huh? Guess you're not any different from other guys.  When you see somethin' soft and wet for you to fuck you lose all your common sense."

He chokes on a moan so loud he can't believe it's coming from him.

"Shouldn't resist it so hard. You can be my spoiled little boy. That's what Rin likes best, right?"

Normally, Rin admires your smooth talk. He doesn't have it in him to mimic it, sentences too awkward and too clumsy to sound good. You talk to him like this like it's so easy. Conversational. Rin doesn't hate it about you, but right now it's the worst thing he could hear.

He's slipping into it slowly. Like he's hanging onto the edge of a cliff and you're pulling his fingers off one-by-one. Your pussy is so wet and he's so fucking hard. Nothing makes any sense anymore. He can’t tell left from right and he wants to run away. But he can’t. He doesn’t want to stop but he wants to run away. 

"You're drooling," You coo, free hand wiping the corner of his mouth. He burns with embarrassment "How sweet."

He can feel himself, the edge again - this time so close he can practically taste it. And the second the knot gets close to being untied, you stop all over again. Rin curses so loud he practically yells, his whole body lurching forward to hump into something before you push him all the way back down.

Officially overstimulated, he looks up at you desperately. You look so absolutely delighted he almost wants to shove you away.

"There it is. Look at you, baby, Just a little more."

He doesn't know how long he can keep up. This part of this is a trust fall. Rin could probably cry right now. Being pushed to this extent, till his head and his body are all out of sorts. Till there's too many thoughts jumbled up and tangled to fight. It makes Rin want to cry. It makes him want to seethe. To curl into himself and abandon everything. 

He’s scared, admittedly. But there’s you, again. And so he breathes and watches you and doesn’t want to stop. 

You keep your pace, rubbing his cock relentlessly against your pussy. So much of the same thing, but you're focused on nothing but him. Even when it feels good for you, when you moan or sigh, your eyes are glued to watching. Watching his cock twitch erratically, little dribbles of precum spilling out but never being able to come through completely. That you swipe up with your fingers and add to the mess you're making.

It'd feel so good right now. You're so wet, fuck — you might even push him out if he puts it in. Rin wants and wants and wants. The magnitude of it is truly, truly terrifying.

But you take him through it slowly. Then the words fall out of your lips slowly - gently, almost a secret.

"Mommy's pretty boy," You rasp, so low that it's barely there but it makes the entire world stop at once. He shudders, his whole body trembles. He can feel himself falling completely and the sudden desperation has him clutching your hips. The emotion is so overwhelming. Only you could ever do this to him. You're the only person allowed. A bittersweetness to all of it that makes Rin yield despite his efforts.  "My sweet boy."

The praise makes him feel like he's melting. Mommy makes it okay. He doesn't know who he is currently. It's not his job too. He just looks up at you and hopes that everything carries over. 

You cup your hands on his face, sticky and messy and look up at him. He stares at you as you smile, eyes blown wide and floaty. 

"There you are," You say, so sweet Rin wants to sink "Mommy's here. 's okay."

He's lost himself in it completely. He's not drowning, but he's submerged in water with no room to look for light. Just you, only you.

"Hi," He says, staring at you. Relief fills him "I love you."

You smile, kissing his forehead "I love you more, Rinnie. It's oka—oh. Oh, there it is."

He blinks and suddenly his visions blurred. Then there's tears, though it's not a sob. They're hot and wet and make his eyes sting. You wipe them with the driest part of your hand.

"You're so pretty when you cry." You tell him. He's needy. He leans against your shoulder, mumbling.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, baby. Lemme see. C'mere?"

He listens, lets you stare at him as hot wet tears roll down his face. He's sure when he's more cognizant he'll be ashamed. Right now he doesn't care.

"Fuck, that's it," You lean forward, licking a stripe up the side of his cheek that sends shivers up his spine, swallowing his tears "So, so pretty. You did well. What should I give you, hm?"

"Inside," He rasps, voice shot completely as he holds your hips "Please."

"Be more specific, my love."

"Please let me cum inside." He can hear his own voice echo in the back of his head, the words coming out so slurred.

"Good boy," You purr. He shakes. Like you read his mind, you pet the back of his hair soothing him "You can hug me, sweetheart. I don't mind."

So he does. Picks his arms up and wraps them around your bare middle and holds you close. He buries his face into your neck, cheek pressed against your shoulder. You pat his head, scratching your nails against his scalp. He sits still like that for a minute, nudging his nose across your skin, leaning you back so he can get a mouth around your tits.

He sucks gently, drunk off of it. You laugh airily, repositioning slightly (carefully) so he doesn't have to pull away. He can feel the head of his cock against your entrance and he moans. 

He can't help but moan as soon as you even get close. The sensation is so unreal. So dripping wet that it's hard for you to get it in completely, slippery silken walls that make it hard for him to push in. When he feels the tip enter, he groans. His whole body gives like a rope on it’s last thread, teeth gritted as he ruts his hips to fuck into you. It doesn't even take any effort to push. You sink down on it slowly, soothing him and telling him to hold it until he bottoms out.

He does, impatiently. He waits until he's all the way at the bottom before looking up at you again. 

"Good boy. Easy does it. It'll feel better to cum since you're all the way inside, right? I can do whatever you want, but if you cum before me - you'll have to make up for it. Okay? Still with me?"

He nods.

"And your color?"

"'s green."

"Good job. That's it, baby. How do you want it?"

"Can I..?"

"You wanna fuck me?"

He nods, hazed. You smile at him.

"To your heart's content. Go ahead. Hold me here, 'kay?"

Rin listens, no longer trying to fight off the urge to listen. He holds you by your hips, latching his mouth to your chest again before fucking into you slow. Your pussy is a vice grip on his cock, and he's so overstimulated as is - he knows he doesn't have much of a will to hold it in. He tries though, quivering with each thrust as he holds you up in his arms.

You mumble to him, the praise is short but sweet and each word makes his brain feels like it's gonna melt out of his ears. He feels good, a pleasant buzzing numbness all over his body that has him reeling. You work as an anchor for him, stroking and petting and kissing him as he works himself into a frenzy.

He can barely get the words out of his mouth as he feels the pressure inside of him start to build. The knot coiled so tightly is unraveling quicker than he can piece it back together. He can't hold it, he can't, he can't, he can't. His thrusts are erratic, too sloppy. Chasing his own high as he fucks into you hard and fast.

"Gonna cum for me? Mommy's sweet boy, gonna fill me up all nice?"

He croaks out the words "Y-yeah. Yeah, fuck."

"There you go. That's it."

Rin cums so hard he sees white, specks like stars in his vision. The sensation borders unbearable. It's such an intense wave of emotion he can't do anything but groan, gripping you hard and bottoming out completely before painting your insides stark white. Thick, hot spurts of cum that he keeps fucking into, overstimulating himself. It just feels so good. So good and so perfect and his mouth is agape - gasping for air as his body goes limp. You kiss him as it happens, swallowing the moans out of his mouth with a delighted smile.

He's ragged by the time it's all out, more coming in a second wave with less intensity. The wave of euphoria that washes over him doesn't bring him back down like he thought it would. He still looks at you, head blank as you smile down at him. You kiss his hairline.

"You with me? Think I should call it quits tonight."

"No. Want you to—you can sit, 'm fine."

It's like you can read his mind.

"You want me to sit on your face even though you just came in me? Think you're up for that?"

"'s fine."  He says one more time, too embarrassed to do anything more. Maybe you're feeling merciful because you don't make him say please. Just laugh, sliding his soft cock out of you slowly.

"Think you're gonna be okay? Wanna lay down?"

"I can sit on the floor. If it's okay."

He can feel how small his voice sounds, a feeling of shame overwhelming him. You rub his cheek affectionately.

"If you say so. Don't need to do anything but stick your tongue out and listen, but my sweet boy is good at listening, isn't he?"

He flushes. "Hn."

You give him a delighted smile, a proud one that makes him reel. Before he can pull away, you tell him to get down on the floor. He listens, back against it with his head laid back on the cushions. He can see his cum starting to drip out of you as you stand, his heart hammering in your ears.

The couch creak under the weight of your knees as you hover yourself over Rin's face. You thread your fingers through his hair and he sticks his tongue out without thinking twice. He can feel all the mess, your cum and his in his mouth - bitter and tangy as he lets his hand grip on your hips. Your clit is hard to attention as you grind against his tongue. He feels good as you groan with pleasure over him.

"I'm so worked up ‘cause of you. My pretty boy," You praise, before rocking your hips against his face. The feeling of you is suffocating, your thighs locked around his head. He can only breathe in the warm air surrounding you. You taste so fucking good. His nose is bumped against your pelvis as you tug harder and start an easy rhythm.

You rut back and forth and Rin suctions to give you a little more friction. You praise him for it.

"Fuck, Rin. I'm gonna—gonna c-cum."

Rin moans against you in approval and that seems to be enough to set you on edge. You hold hard onto the roots of his hair, your thighs clenching as you cum hard on his face after fucking it. He can feel your walls spasm, pushing the mess into his mouth. He swallows it obediently anyways, content to let you ride out your high until you're no longer able too.

When you sit up, you swipe Rin's lower lip with your thumb with a warm smile, putting your thumb in his mouth.

"Let's go clean up, baby."

__ 

For Rin, the process of aftercare usually tends to be a lot of grounding. A bath, usually, with the two of you talking about nothing in the process. You wash Rin’s hair for him and wash-up together and then eat something. Rin’s spoiled, really, so you usually cook for him when he asks. 

Afterwards, the emotional exhaustion sets in. You retire yourself both to bed with snacks. Rin gets to pick (a thriller movie, you’ve let him have today) and he lays there in a hoodie with his face tucked into your side as you play with his hair. It’s vulnerable. A thing he can only access with you, after all this coaxing and trust. He tries not to think too hard about what this all means. That you have sex like this, and Rin submits to you willingly. He doesn’t want to know what it says about himself. 

It’s hard for him to wrap his head around it entirely. Why it feels so good to leave it all to you. Why being doted on like that is so soothing. Despite all the time it takes to unravel him enough to give in, you always execute flawlessly and Rin is… happy at the end of it. Even though he can only admit that begrudgingly. 

Rin leans into the warmth of your body as you gently stroke his hair. He looks up at you as you scroll on your phone, a silent plea for attention. You glance down and give him a laugh. 

“Hi, my love” 

“What are you looking at?” He asks, masking the petulance in his voice just barely. You giggle. 

“Twitter. People are asking if you cry a lot because of my interview.” 

“You’re such an idiot. Did you even mean that?” He says, leaning up to be closer to you. He headbutts you lightly, pressing a kiss to your cheek right after. 

“Sorta. It was mostly a plot to bully you about it. I am an idiot, and you love me so much about it.” 

“Unfortunately.” He says, rolling his eyes. He can feel the barest smile on his face and goes to look away as he hugs you close to him. You give a stare full of warmth that he wants to shy away from but can’t bring himself too. You press a tender kiss to his head. 

“Mommy loves you so much, yeah? More than anything in the whole wide world.” 

“I told you I was fine earlier. I don’t feel bad or anything.” He says when you use the title. He thinks you’re reassuring him because you’re concerned, but you just shrug. 

“I just wanted to tell you that.” 

He frowns “...I love you too. I guess.” 

You snort. Rin smiles as you turn to face him and hug him close. 

“Thanks for telling me, baby.”

[virgoitgirl-blog]

making a decision regarding yourself, whether you should push forward and exceed your limits or give yourself a break can be challenging sometimes.

say I’ve been working too hard on something and I started feeling exhausted thinking that “I must have reached my limit I can’t do this anymore” the one thought that comes to mind in this situation is: did I really “reach my limit”? What if I pushed forward? What if I forced myself to continue? what if I was harder on myself and therefore I was actually able to continue and focus? Maybe I’ll be tired at first but then I’ll go through just with a little more pressure on myself, what if it’s like climbing a mountain and wanting to back but you tell yourself maybe just a few more and ill be there at the top of the mountain thanking myself for putting in that effort.

But then I think what if my body really needs rest? What if it’s my body calling for help? giving me signs to give it a little break? What if I decided to put in effort and it caused a burnout and made things worse? So now I need a break, rest, and to give myself time to recover? This would be even harder when I NEED to push through, when I don’t have time to baby myself and give myself rest.

Yes rest is essential and imperative but moving forward with my goals is much more important to me…you can always have rest but sometimes your goals have deadlines, you can only achieve them within a limited time.

You can never know if you’re making the right decision...

okay so all of this in the top was written by me about 2-3 months ago and left as a draft. today i got the urge to take a look at my drafts and i passed by this... after these months i got the answer to what i was questioning and i feel emotional (lol dramatic i know) BUT these past few weeks I've been overworking myself so bad that i got myself into a massive burnout which also led my immune system to reach the floor which also got me ill (surprising? no) . so what happened exactly? its the greed to succeed lol...i started the semester not feeling like myself, having low passion and more (mind you im one of the top three students) i don't know how it all happened but i found myself skipping classes, getting help from students in classes when i don't even ask (big indicator that something was wrong), and the last straw which got me back to my senses is seeing how most students were ahead of me (i know i skipped classes...and this isn't about comparing myself to others its about feeling or realizing how lost i was), the professor asking questions and everybody but me knowing the answers. i finally woke up and told myself "you're being average right now you cant fail your classes how come everyone knows but you don't?" (beating myself up...bad i know) i was fuming on the inside, so i started spending my whole time studying, having sleepless nights, surviving on caffeine, eating poorly, attending classes while having little to no sleep. people were telling me that im being too hard on myself but i didn't see that i truly did not, actually i was telling myself the exact same words i wrote above two months ago, i was putting more and more pressure on myself saying "im not tired i just think i am" "im not doing the bare minimum", i was also afraid of leading myself to a burnout then having to get rest which looked like a delay from what i wanted to achieve ...but guess what happened? the delay. i led myself to a burnout, i had to get rest because i couldn't work and focus well, my body was crying for help...this taught me a really good lesson, rest is the most important thing, and giving yourself rest doesn't mean you're delaying your goals you're actually making more energy for your goals. align rest with your goals and their deadlines to achieve the best. and be less harder on yourself and listen to your body, always. now im slowly giving myself time, telling myself that the process isn't linear, im slowly making progress but im telling myself that its okay because this is essential for my wellbeing.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas! i hoping you might be able to give me some advice?

my best friend and i have been friends our whole lives (i just turned 24 two weeks ago, she's turning 24 in two weeks) but ive been have some upsetting feelings about the friendship. i love her so, so much and i know beyond doubt that the feeling is overwhelmingly mutual and there's nothing in the world that could ever change that. i feel very lucky to have a relationship like that, and i feel bad for feeling unsatisfied in some ways with our friendship? we only ever hang out when i ask to which means i can usually count on one hand the amount of times i see her in a whole calendar year lol, we don't talk much and when we do its usually me initiating (again) about stuff about my life and i dont hear much about hers in return (to the point that, she's having a baby next month (!!) and i only learned their name from overhearing someone else's conversation, i only learned the baby room theme the same way, she didn't ask me to help with her gender reveal (nor did she tell me beforehand (which is genuinely so fine, but literally everyone in attendance was surprised that i didnt know so i ended upset about it anyways) or her baby shower (she also didn't include me in any plans or keep me in the loop about anything when she got married a few years ago). ive talked to her so many times about how im feeling about our friendship and how much id liked to be as close as we used to be, if you're claiming im your best friend how on earth am i not worth being told your babies name? she never even told me names they were thinking of. nothing ever comes out of talking to her about it, she expresses sympathy and gets better about things for a minute but then by the next week its exactly back to how it was. shes always been like this to some degree, even when we were closer, but its been getting unbearable now that were out of school and don't live in walking distance of each other anymore. i know having your friendships tested is just a general part of growing up and im just as a fragile age, but im really tired of feeling like i have to beg and plead to have a place in her life; but i don't ever want to completely cut her out of my life so im trying to adapt and content myself with this new dynamic. but since she's about to have a baby all i can think about is how that kid is going to grow up barely knowing who i am and i dont know how to get over that.

oh my god you are living my life lol

I honestly have been through something so similar.

I guess the thing I realized is that some people are able to give you different things at different times in their lives. And expecting them to give you more when they can't/aren't willing to is just hurting you, you know? It sounds like right now, this friend just can't give you more. Not in a malicious way, they just can't. So then the question is, are you willing to give them amount you are giving, only getting what you're getting, or do you want to put that effort into some other people too?

It's okay to decide to put less into a friendship if you're not getting what you need. (It's also okay to be the one putting more in RIGHT NOW, if you know they need that. Obviously, there are times in life (loss, breakups, pregnancies) when friends need more than they can give.) But since it seems like it is usually you putting more in, I wonder what it would feel like if you pulled back a bit?

Naming you 24 anon

[pinksobg]

hello! for reflection. i hope you enjoy!

mistery reading :)

oracle and tarot 💌

pile 1: message from future self

heya past me. I am the future. I know you feel down lately. about everything maybe. but you know what can help you? conection with yourself. you know what; ask yourself the questions you are scared of. like: what am I doing to myself. what brings me down now. we need light. you know what. bring yourself to the light. be the own muse of us. no matter what. open up for yourself. thank you.

add messages: crystal, voice, song, void, yellow, sun, letter, digital world, me, miss me, love, confusion, sad... 999 this may be about the present by the way for some people. please take only what resonates. hope it helps. cheering for you. wishing the best.

cards: page of cups rx. 2 of cups.

...

pile 2: message about general advice

add message: museum, goals, advice life, learning, book, self reflection, academic, 2, france, languages, career path.

general advice:

feels like you need an up in your inspirations. maybe simple things like a pinterest board, a new game, a new place, new quotes.

wheel of furtune: maybe something is matter of time. a thing you cant control or dont have control yet.

you get it! try a less negative mindset if it is possible for the moment ofc.

plus I love your energy. uh! i dont know but comes to mind learning about good comunication. social skills maybe. you can do it for sure. like going to the park feel the air if it is possible and confortable for you for sure.

...

pile 3: message about espirituality. woah.

add message: go here you feel the most alive quote, stars, seed, city at night, james arthur songs, train, week, loving you from affar, a girl an ocean, indigo, blue, doors.

woah. I humbly feel it is a love message for you from espirituality. - you both are so close, I dont even know how to separate you 2. im getting so much this song I... dont really know the name... it's I'm tired of loving from afar and never being where you are, don't wanna leave you anymore. - you know the word love. dont wanna leave you anymore. oh darling all of the city lights never shine as bright as your eyes. - you are so so so much loved. - I'm tired of loving you from afar and never being where you are. dont wanna leave you anymore. It's a message about a thing you know. you are not alone on this road. thank you so much. you belong where you want to be.

[star-on-a-beach]

Okay um. I really don't like doing this, like, ever

But

Tw for vent post, Bc idk, maybe it'll help if I talk about this where it'll be seen and not on a vent blog where I know no one sees it

So it's pretty obvious that pretty much everything right now is in kind of a shit state and I'm really at the end of my line trying to be optimistic about it. Presidential election, rp, guard, college, art, writing, all of this shit, even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy, makes me want to fucking shatter a rock because I don't want to do anything anymore other than scroll through social media on my phone which, I've probably developed an addiction, and of course that makes me feel even fucking worse bc I told myself I'd never get addicted and look at where I am now

So many things I'm unhappy with are really kind of tying back to me and I'm so angry at everything but especially myself now, but theres nothing I feel like I can do about it but try and break it all down I guess?

There's shit going on with color guard and, other than the friends I've made within it and the actual performances, I don't fucking enjoy it anymore because our coach is apparently super fucking shitty and a liar and unfair and argumentative and never sticks with the drill she writes and doesn't give us the resources to put it together correctly, WHEHN SHES LITERALLY OUR COACH AND THATS HER JOB, IVE TRIED SO HARD TO STAY KIND TO HER BUT WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME TALKING SHIT AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BAD PERSON SHE IS IM STARTING TO DO IT TOO AND I HATE IT

And then obviously there's the actual schoolwork that needs to get done, I thought I had not one, not two, but 3 FUCKING ESSAYS DUE ON THE 11TH, WHICH WERE ASSIGNED TO US ON WEDNESDAY, AND EACH HAD TO BE 700 WORDS LONG. Granted it doesn't actually have to be like that but teachers are talking about finals now and I'm going to have SO many essays for that and I have a whole debate too. I'm tired and sick of waking up at ridiculously different times for classes and not being able to have a goddamn nap bc I'm either working, procrastinating with the screens addiction again, or I don't have enough time because god knows I can't take power naps for SHIT, and I'm not fucking paying for coffee in this economy

I can't even relax how I normally want to because I'm so tired from everything, too. Writing big things for TAOCC or drawing feels like a chore, and then I feel obligated to draw others characters or I want to actually do so but I have no energy for it, and I can't get my art to look how I want it to perspective-wise, no matter how many tutorials I look at, and it never ends up the way I want and I haven't even finished TAOCCTOBER or Memoryquest, both of which I feel shitty for, because then they're both more things that I'm giving up on, and I give up on so much shit so easily unless I'm being pushed over and over and over and over, although rn I really wanna just say to hell with it and kill both of them entirely

And with taocc as a whole, I don't even know where to begin. I mentioned in my earlier post that I'm struggling to be assertive and actually say what I want with RP, which results in me feeling really unsatisfied with it a lot. I feel like people aren't interested in my characters and I need to be the one trying to build the characters' connections by asking questions, which. I love when other characters ask mine questions, because so much would be revealed if PEOPLE JUST ASKED. I know you guys don't mean it in this way but I feel like I'm trying to push all of this out, but I barely get anything back except for maybe one question or comment or smth, but it feels like the characters aren't interested in my characters' pasts, and that means the mods aren't either. Which, is really no fault of yours, whether you are or not, it's my fault because I can't bring myself to get off my high horse and actually say "hey, are you willing to have your characters ask about mine?" because I have the firm mentality of "if they wanted to, they would", and I'm trying to make other characters feel important while also craving mine to feel important, but the moment they do, I wonder if I'm taking the main-character roles too much and I need to even it out so I immediately divert the attention back to yours and feel shitty about it. Once again, this is no one's fault but mine, and this is partially why my relationship with my last rp partner, aka my ex bsf, ended, because I wasn't assertive enough and kept wondering if I was hogging the spotlight any time focus did switch to my characters which just isn't enjoyable for anyone. So I'm angry and terrified that these patterns which are repeating are going to lead to a similar outcome.

It isn't even just that though, I just really hate how I write as a whole rn. I used to be so poetic and good with words but now they read difficult unless I'm writing a great wall of text, and my characters aren't acting the way I want to, partially because I'm trying to morph them to get along more with other characters and diminish their flaws so they're liked by others, but it just takes away from who they were originally and I hate that as well. It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the rp but for fucks sake I expect myself to be a better writer than this.... and I haven't even gotten around to fixing the fucked-up-with-a-side-of-cheddar timelines, which have been NAGGING at my mind for FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, but once again, I don't even want to do anything anymore and I get mad bc the only things I wanna do are just self indulgent shit and like hell I'm asking for that from anyone (see, that's part of the problem, right there.)

I think the only thing I hate more than not being assertive with rp is the fact that I'm an adult among you all. Yes, being 18 now while the majority of you are minors is a massive fucking deal to me, and I'm realizing why exactly adults generally avoid friendships like this, because I'm constantly worried about being a good example to you all. I have to have the good advice, I have to be available, I have to be good with assertiveness and boundaries, hell part of the reason I try and avoid venting so much is because you all do not fucking need to have that burden. Every time I do something like this post I immediately think "these are kids and I'm an adult, it's kids trying to help an adult who should not be saying this stuff or laying this burden on them", as if I'm some kind of weirdo. I really try my damndest to not be one of those adults who dumps all their problems on adolescents in order to feel better about their own shitty life, I don't want to be the adult who their younger friends are comforting all the time and have that burden on them (yes, I am completely aware this post contradicts that, and yes, I am very ashamed but I feel Im at rock bottom and you guys deserve to know (but don't deserve the burden of it)). I don't feel like the example I want to be to you guys, I'm incredibly dense, and half the time, I feel like an oblivious idiot for the simplest fucking things in rp even when no one says anything that implies any of you guys think that. I get so annoyed as well, and that's another part I especially hate, it's that I get annoyed with the smallest things so damn easily, whether it's someone saying something random in call and breaking silence, or someone talking about a subject after we've moved on, or a rant that's gone on for a really long time. All of those are ridiculous things to be annoyed by, and I'm completely aware of that. I'm not proud of it whatsoever. It might also be the weather, but I'm so, so, so annoyed by so many tiny, insignificant things nowadays that it's ridiculous, and I've snapped on call a few times which I feel horrible about. I'm trying so hard to be a good, strong role model for all of you, because that's what you deserve and I want to be like that for you. But, both here and in real life, my own idiocy and density and emotions make me feel like I'm never going to escape being a dense, emotional, spacy child who keeps trying to catch up. And as an adult, I'm really, really, really upset that I feel like this because once again, you guys are the minors, not me. I'm not saying you guys should feel like that (I really hope not, no one should feel like that), but it feels even worse since I'm trying to be the adult for you guys to look up to, but I'm looking up to all of you instead. And then, even worse, I get jealous. Not of the bad shit you guys go through, but like. Insignificant things. Art styles, friends, activities, actually having your family around. I really hate myself for being jealous of that and always comparing and trying to match it since it's completely hypocritical of me otherwise.

I'm closing up this vent, but tw for some darker themes in the next paragraph

I'm really just kind of sick of life as a whole. I'm done being an adult, to hell with this, just let me be the younger friend again so I don't have to see myself as an old baby. I'm tired of all of this and the dark jokes I make, they're horrible, but they're becoming more common and I think about the content of them a lot. I'm so tired of this shit and feeling like this and I'm mad and ashamed that I'm making this post because of everything I said above. I'm so done with everything. To hell with this country, to hell with my future, to hell with drawing and writing and trying to put stuff out. At the time of writing this I'm crying, because I'm really really missing my dad. I want to hug him and be with him. I want my family overall to be okay. I want to feel happy and content with myself and my life like back in summer. I'm so sorry for having to say all this but it's the truth and, again, this is my last resort for trying to feel better because hell knows I don't have the initiative to make an appointment and talk to a therapist on campus. Ik this will go away later but ffs i don't know if I can wait until later.

Ok, heavy vent part is over

I've said a lot so I'm ending it here. If you choose to ignore this, that's fine. I'd appreciate some kind of acknowlegement, tbh, whether it's a like or a comment or something, or just a kind word (whatever you do, please don't just put *hug* and leave it at that, hugs dont really feel like they have much more meaning at this point). It feels ridiculous to ask you for comfort especially after kinda dumping all of this here for you guys to see but I might as well try ig. Idk, I'm gonna just try and not delete this out of shame.

I hope you all know that I love you guys so, so, so, so much. This community has brought me so much joy and leaving is the last thing I'd ever dream of unless I had to. I hope you guys don't mind me doing this too much. Logically Ik you probably don't but, really, none of what I just vented about is based in logic regardless.

Thank you for reading, whether it was skimming or fully reading it. Kind words are appreciated but obviously not forced and I love you guys so much. Goodnight ❤️