#i don't find it depressing because i have other series i think would do better once published

[not-poignant]

wait okay so now that you're seriously thinking of publishing, will you be writing a new prequel to game theory with the new 'Canon'? like the story as it's meant to have happened between gwyn, augus, terho and the nightingale, or are we just starting from game theory?

ALSO I'm so glad that you might be publishing the ftv soon for wholly selfish reasons -- you're clearly done writing about these characters, but personally I am nowhere near done reading about them, and I'm definitely not creative enough to write fanfiction myself either, so I'm just stuck rotating the characters inside my head like a microwave😭😭 it's really tough out here!!!

imagine the massive wave of new readers and the new community that's gonna come in once the story's more accessible... IT'S SO EXCITING

Hi anon!

No prequel, I'll be starting with Game Theory (and Deeper into the Woods will be published afterwards as a prequel, just as it was chronologically in general!)

Quite a bit of Game Theory is being edited and new content being added (anyone on the Gary & Efnisien tier can already see about 2,000 words of new content in the first three chapters alone, including new scene/s with Crielle), and some content being removed where it's OOC. The events with Terho and the Nightingale will be explained in Game Theory, with Gwyn likely meeting with Terho (or learning about him) a few times within.

As for Fae Tales, you know, it's nice to think there will be some new readers, and there might be like a handful or two, but there will be no massive wave. It is the least popular thing I've written in proportion to the amount of time I've put into it. Even the AUs have all generally done better proportionately.

It's one of the reasons I've never rushed to publish, honestly. It's a lot of work to put into something that you know will never financially justify itself. To the point where I think other projects are far more viable financially (Underline the Rainbow as a series I actually think would be great, because new, meaty omegaverse has a very intense (though small) fanbase and I think that series would bring more people in).

There would be no massive wave of new readers. I think we'd be lucky to see at most about 10 or 20 new folks, and I'll cherish everyone, but I'm also pretty realistic. More people find all my other works these days than Fae Tales, The Ice Plague is still one of the worst performing things I've written in proportion to length + time + work investment (despite being one of my favourite series out of anything I've written).

I think I'm realistic, and I also think there's a chance that the Fae Tales Verse if published could draw some haters. Most people don't want that level of BDSM in their epic fantasy, unless it's much lighter 'romantasy,' which Fae Tales definitely isn't. There's even a chance I might get my KDP author account suspended because of breaching content TOS/violations.

So yeah, it's a risk, but I'll take it. It's just not a risk I'm prioritising right now, because I can't see a way that the Fae Tales Verse will ever really go that far. Hand on heart, way more people who come over from my fanfiction find Falling Falling Stars and Underline and almost no one (with maybe a few exceptions - I love y'all) goes into the canon these days unless they're older / long-time readers.

[m6rija]

⟡ ⠀hold me tight⠀⠀⊹⠀⠀ soshiro hoshina & you

gn, flower shop owner reader who deals with depression and anxiety. hurt/comfort, a bit of angst maybe. this is the part 1 of my scaredy cat series.

what you had achieved so far slipped through your fingers like fine sand, swallowed up, swept away by greedy waves of poisonous distress, almost like ivy, choking your laments as they hugged your throat.

the prelude to a chain of events that would almost push you over the edge in front of the person you most admired— you felt so weak and ashamed.

the piece of paper was lying in front of you, sharing a place next to your friend's results.

your expression bordered on sadness even though you had passed just as he had, lips pressed into a thin line

you thought you didn't deserve it

and soshiro looked at you worriedly

he took your hand gently and even dared to intertwine his fingers with yours for brief instants

he ran the pad of his thumb over the back of your hand.

"sorry…"

you mumbled in an almost inaudible whisper.

you knew how hard he had worked to get here, how many sleepless nights had passed in which he had dedicated himself to training

how he woke up almost every day only to pick up the sword

how his hands were calloused, rough to the touch from gripping the weapon so tightly for so long

but you thought you lacked the same spark that he did

and that you were just following him without any purpose beyond accompanying him in his dream.

even if that were so, you would be useless as his companion.

you couldn't protect others, you were incapable of fighting and you felt useless compared to most others.

so why did you decide to accept your friend's proposal to take the exams for the defense forces together?

perhaps it was because of how enthusiastic he seemed to be when he told you about his plan.

how his smile spread across his face and his eyes took on the shape of little crescents

he seemed so cheerful talking to you, convincing you to hold his hand if you became nervous during the exam

your lower lip trembled with insecurity as you realized that you just didn't want to disappoint him

you were afraid to see his dissapointed face

because you wanted to live up to his expectations

however, the silent, disconsolate sob you barely managed to utter was proof enough of how much you demanded of yourself, and how it didn't seem to be nearly enough for you to live up to the man in front of you.

you didn't deserve the results etched in ink that went hand in hand with your name, much less could you allow your racing heartbeat to be the cause of your fractured smile that came before your tears.

because you were happy to have passed, but you could not accept it.

there were people much better suited for this job than you— and you even assured yourself that you would fail the next exam.

so if you were so fervent in your claims, why would you even take that second test?

why put in the effort?

"it would be… better if i supported you from afar."

you managed to feel that hint of sadness through the touch of the dark-haired one, who refused to withdraw his hand from yours

even though you tried to retract yours, trembling.

"i don't think i can do this."

you bit your lower lip with the intention of holding back those tears that threatened to spill from your eyes

"sorry"

your jaw trembled to the rhythm of your hands, voice bathed in obvious fear

your gaze barely lifted at the sound of your friend's voice.

"'tis not a job apt for everyone, so don't beat yerself up over it."

a soft, almost gentle tone adorned those words

and your heart ached in anguish when you didn't find the disappointment you had imagined.

perhaps he was hiding it, so as not to make you uncomfortable.

soshiro was always attentive to you— even his touch on your fearful hands was as soft as feathers

and that made you imagine that he was hiding what he really wanted to tell you.

because you'd heard harsh words throughout your life

just like him

he was as exhausted as you, carrying so much on his shoulders— and yet he had decided to stay by your side, to comfort you when you hit rock bottom and try to ease what you were so worried about.

you felt that all you were doing was occupying him more than he already was, putting more weight on him, even though he repeated several times that this did not bother him at all, that he did it voluntarily.

the wall that divided the two of you was the simple fact that he wanted to begin to fight against what he had been told throughout his life

while you were just sinking, learning to live with it rather than against it.

so you assumed that everyone would treat you the same; and when that didn't happen you simply thought the worst

even if you didn't want to

"ya better support me like you say"

soshiro's finger was pointing at you, and his little fangs showed above his lower lip

you lightly mimicked his smile, aware that he was only acting this way in an attempt to cheer you up

"i wanna see yer pretty face all happy, 'kay?"

[inventedfangirling]

My friends i watched love for love's sake and I swear i don't have a fckin clue where even to start.

I know a lot has been said about the show already and i know a LOT more would be said about in the future, but i just can't help adding my own two cents to one of the most thought-provoking, moving and brilliantly executed pieces of art i have ever seen.

I'm not gonna go on about just how much I loved Tae Myungha's character and how he is one of the most interesting people I've seen on screen in a long time. I'm not gonna talk about how unbelievably squishable Yeowoon is and how his duality totally ruined me that I need him to get into my pocket and NEVER leave. And oh I need him to put Myungha in his pocket while at it. I'm also not gonna talk about precious 'of course i'm gay, i've always liked girls, you don't know how to be loved' Sangwon is to me, cos if i start I can promise you I will most certainly never stop.

So for the sake of the rest of this post, I'm moving on. (NOT REALLY THO)

I just LOVE LOVE LOVE all the interpretations that people are coming up with, LOVE LOVE LOVE the show for filling in the gaps but LOVE it more for still leaving room for pretty thought-flowers to bloom around.

You know those artworks or puzzles that have something obvious hidden in a maze of confusion and haze until somebody points out the pattern, you zoom out and realize wow it was this clear all along?? That's a LOT of what watching the show felt like to me. The pattern being how inexplicably inter-connected Myungha and Yeowoon are. Not because they are each other's blorbos, but because why they are eo's blorbos. Why they don't care for each other from a sense of sympathy, but from empathy, despite not knowing the depth of their connections explicitly.

Eventhough we do see glimpses of it from the start, it only gets more clear later how Myungha and Yeowoon really are mirror versions of eo. How the first time Myungha sees Yeowoon he's stopping him from killing himself, and then we later find out that Myungha ends up killing himself. How both of it was triggered by a series of disappointments in life, starting with a troubling family and ending with a grandmother who passes away. Of how both of them seem to really have no one else to call their own in the world. Of leading very lonely depressing lives, that seem to never have a glimpse of hope. How both of them seem closed off, but inside they really are so fragile it hurts to perceive the depth of their feelings. It all comes and hits you once you've taken the whole show in and have gotten a few 1000 seconds to think about it.

We start off with myungha's character wanting to make his blorbo's character happy, and he's in it cos he cares about him, he doesn't have to think about himself. A 'pathetic' character experiencing a lot of pain, what's not to love, Myungha thinks, not realizing that it's his own mirror self that he is feeling so much for. Myungha sees Yeowoon's problems as someone from outside and is therefore able to objectively look at it, and approach it proactively, taking so many steps to help him, my favourite (and arguably most important) of which is the effort he puts in to help form yeowoon a friend circle. Something that he couldn't do for himself cos he never even considered a possibility of that. Why would anybody want to be around him? He ruins everything right?

And then to go on despite believing that, to falling in love, to deciding to choose to save both his grandma and yeowoon, finally FINALLY taking control into his hands even if for a bit to say what he wants, to spending the last few days together, to breaking up cos he just thinks the worst of himself, cos he doesn't know better. And then to the eternal darkness, where moments before leaving, just like in his real life, he realizes he wants in, he wants to live, he wants to love, but more importantly this time, he wants to try being loved. Even if it's difficult, he wants to try.

I love how eventhough the show is heavily Myungha focused, we get meaningful dynamics with multiple characters. Round eyed gasp inducing moments dont just belong to the two mains but also to sangwon whose line to myungha post the stalker incident just ruined me and really set the tone for whatever the show was later revealed to be all about.

I love how complicated the narrative got while still telling a more or less coherent story, how in hindsight, a lot of it makes even more sense now. How as Myungha gets closer to yeowoon his self-hating tendencies manifest in the form of debuffs and errors, because of his own brain's inability to perceive himself as somebody deserving love. His childhood trauma and the numerous rejections life has given him, because of the kind of person he turned out to be because of those rejections, all appear to stand in his way of happiness, as if he can't help being a bundle of sadness and a harbinger of problems. Even as he says he doesn't believe in destiny or fate. Or as we initially are made to believe in the game as, yeowoon's happiness, when in reality this was never about yeowoon at all. Yeowoon never existed in the first place and in "real" life, he never does.

I was blown away by how Myungha is in fact no longer in the mortal world but that fact doesn't hurt as much as that he would have to leave a world where he could finally feel happiness, feel loved, feel cared for, even if he consciously tried avoiding them. They still came to him, they still cared for him, they still fiercely wanted to protect him, (Cos he is just a tiny meow meow, who has been hurt a lot in his life, who wouldn't wanna caress and nurse him back to health HUH) just as much as he wanted to protect them.

And coming to the question of what's the game, where is it happening and who orchestrated it? It's definitely set in the afterlife or the limbo between life and the life after. It could be the author friend doing it, or the author friend has given myungha's brain the power to control the game OR of course the possibility that this has all been happening in myungha's head the whole time.

Whatever it is, the whole point has been to take Myungha from a person not wanting to live his life, feeling so devoid of love and happiness, to a journey of love and friendship, of the importance of fostering connections, of making efforts, of helping others, but equally of letting others help you, of putting your hand out and asking for that help. And in my head I love it most when I think of it as entirely Myungha orchestrated. Of it being a desperate cry of pain to himself, from himself, to save himself. Yeowoon and the game and the missions and all of it was for him to see himself in ways he never allowed himself to be seen as, to take care of himself in ways he never has, to love himself like he has never known to. To finally run towards himself, even if pathetic and sad, the Cha Yeowoon of the game, the person waiting at the end of the finishing line was the Tae Myungha in him all along.

You know that tumblr quote 'do it for her' but its about your future self, right? Myungha rooting for Yeowoon is sort of like that? When he's protecing him, he's protecting himself? When he's cheering for him, he's actually cheering and rooting for himself? When he's loving him, he makes space and place to love himself?

I just love the idea of a (self) love story.

Eitherway Yeowoon x Myungha supremacy.

Extreme(ly accurate?) Interpretations apart, Love for Love's Sake is truly one of the, if not THE finest (self) love story I might have ever seen.

As a person who avoids fics/books with mcd or shows with tragic endings, it felt absolutely revolutionary to me that my biggest joy and relief came from the fact that the main character is dead (the thought of myungha having to leave the game was too much to handle) and he gets to live in this game where he has a cute boyfriend, a supportive, caring friend group and his grandma back. it wasn't the game that was temporary or non-existent, it was actually his life outside. And that's not bad? Cos this is a story and Myungha isn't real, but as real as he is, he got his happy ending.

The show taught us to love, to see love, to be loved and to share that love. It told us that maybe the afterlife is a videogame simulation where we all get to live in friendship and love forever, with our blorbo and our friends. There are a lot worse lives to live. And I'm glad he found it in himself, enough love, courage and hope to write himself a better one :')

[lala-blahblah]

I absolutely cannot sit down and write a nice version of this bc my brain says no, but i would like to let you all know I'm thinking of a fanfic where older Edgeworth is moving back to the US (or japan, whichever universe you subscribe to) and runs into Nick in the store while buying mass produced art to hang on the walls of his new house.

And Nick is like "dear god do you want your house to look like a dentist's office. Please do better" (in a friendly way, they are too old for rivalry at this point) and so Nick invites Edgeworth to come over and take any of his old artwork from college, since it is just sitting in a portfolio in a closet somewhere. And Edgeworth agrees to come over and look through Nick's old stuff together. There are themes of 1) growing older and like reflecting on the past and 2) Nick's character trait of finding meaning in challenges vs Edgeworth's tendency to stick with what he does well. In my head I imagine that Nick was good at art and it came somewhat easily to him and that bored him, and he was drawn to law in part because it was hard and it excited him and made him want to try harder. And i think tying that in with fatherhood, like it being unexpected and hard but something he thrives at because he feels good when there's a challenge. Potentially also touching on how like, when he lost his badge he felt very listless and depressed because he wasn't being challenged anymore, there wasn't anything to drive him and motivate him. And I think Edgeworth would be impressed by seeing Nick's old pieces (I assume he hasn't seen much of his art before) and wondering why he didn't choose to pursue art further. He also thinks about how art had always put him off personally because he couldn't get it "right" right away, and on the other hand how the structure and logic of law came easily to him, which led him to become a lawyer. I think he measures his self worth by his success in his field because he never had the support to believe he had intrinsic value as a person and maybe wasn't so good at making emotional connections with people. So that big contrast between them is so interesting... I think Edgeworth would be jealous of Nick's bravery in pursuing something he was bad at without giving up and Nick would be jealous of Edgeworth's success in law, but in a subdued way as they've grown older.

A far as actual scenes in the fic, I think I would use Nick's art as a conduit for my own agenda to have them talk about topics that are of interest to me... I would like Edgeworth to feel out of his depth for once and for nick to be the confident one as he talks about something he is well versed in, and for edgeworth to have to face that discomfort and also be a little impressed intellectually with Nick. I think I would do that by having them look through some abstract art Nick did (my intro painting classes were all abstract so we could focus on color mixing and getting comfortable with the medium). Edgeworth compliments Nick on a painting with a bunch of colored squares in gradient clusters and then gets embarrassed when Nick tells him those were just color mixing swatches. Alternatively, in my mind they are both asexual and I think even though this feels like a hallmark cliche I would have Edgeworth flounder and be very embarrassed over Nick's old figure drawing piece. I feel like Nick would be like "no you don't understand it's all very professional and normal when we draw them, like it's just about learning the shape language" and Edgeworth would be like "this is very improper and I don't know how to react can we please not look at naked people!". I don't think i would do both, but something to upset the power dynamic for a moment would be interesting! Nick is always the awkward one I want to see him shine for just a moment enough for edgeworth to go "wait what... i've known him for so long but perhaps i don't really know him at all..."

I would want Edgeworth to end up taking a series of 3 canvases Nick did in an oil painting class that were still lifes of objects the teacher had set up around the classroom. I headcanon that Nick actually far preferred drawing people to objects and rebelled against the assignment by hiding his reflection in one of the objects in each drawing- the top of his head is hidden in an ornament on a christmas tree, his eye is reflected in the shine of a china vase, etc. So it's a little secret, and Edgeworth kind of likes that... it is sweet in a way to see a much younger Phoenix captured in time like that. Something Edgeworth will be reminded of when he sees the paintings but nobody else will catch onto

I would want to layer this with a fatherhood storyline... I think i would frame it as nick inviting edgeworth over to dinner with him and Trucy and Edgeworth stepping into this domestic family life as a visitor and witnessing how its transformed Nick, like seeing him from a different lens. I think after they pick out paintings and have dinner they sit around talking. Trucy had been sitting with them, earlier she showed off some magic tricks and gave Edgeworth a picture of hers from the fridge to add to his new art collection (it's a rainbow dolphin and a sea turtle wearing top hats. Nick says she's in her Lisa Frank era). But she's been quiet for awhile and Nick realizes she's fallen asleep and it's like 11. He's like, crap, i screwed up i should've paid attention and gotten her put to bed, I'm a bad father and I have an audience for this failure. And on top of that, I already failed at being a lawyer, no matter what I try I always disappoint everyone. It's an unexpected moment of vulnerability there... like he's seemed so put together and grown up to Edgeworth this whole time like a whole different person, but he's not a different person he just has different sides to him. And this moment is one where edgeworth can be like hey, no, you're a great dad, and I'm impressed by you and everything you achieved. And I think that could lead into vulnerability from Edgeworth about his relationship with his dad and how he misses him/how he feels like he hasn't really been loved by anyone since his dad died, and how Trucy is lucky to have someone like Nick in her life.

Nick excuses himself to carry Trucy to bed and Miles starts cleaning up the kitchen. I would give a moments pause here to talk about the strange intimacy of going through someone else's kitchen cabinets and drawers, you feel like a stranger there trying to put yourself into someone else's shoes to understand how they live in this space. Maybe he guesses the right drawer for the silverware first try and he feels a little spark of connection. like "we are different in many ways but we are alike enough that we look in the same place for our spoons". Details on the kitchen too about the kid safe plastic bowls and knives that indicate a child is part of the household, that the household has been built around the child, in fact. Edgeworth lives alone and I imagine things are kind of fancy for him (he's a man who wears a cravat so he probably has fine china right). It's completely different from this shabby mismatched cutlery that Nick has, but this kitchen has personality. Maybe he wouldn't mind having a kitchen like this so much. This is a hint at him being lonely, being included in this family unit just for a day has given him this curious sense of longing, for what he isn't sure... does he want kids? Does he want Nick? Does he just want to be part of a family? These are confusing questions and he would much rather not feel anything at all, but unfortunately it is late and he did have a glass of wine with dinner so emotions are Happening.

He hears Nick sigh tiredly as he comes into the kitchen, and Edgeworth starts to ask him where his tupperware is when suddenly Nick is wrapping his arms around him and Edgeworth is Very Tense because he's never good at knowing how to act in situations like this and he and Nick have never been on a hugging level before and he's not sure what this is even for. Then Nick is like "I keep thinking about what you said earlier, about feeling alone ever since your dad passed away. I didn't know, that's such a long time to feel alone. I don't want you to think you're on your own". Edgeworth relaxes a little bit because now he knows what the hug is for and what he's supposed to feel from it. Its very kind of Nick to worry but its unnecessary and he says so. He has colleagues he's friendly with and people from law school he keeps in touch with, he's alright. And Nick says he knows but he also knows it's difficult living the way they do, and what he means is single and in your thirties. Because everyone else is getting married or living with a long term partner or at the very least dating and their lives are focused on that relationship as the center of their being. And when you don't have that, not only is it harder to relate to the people around you but it is harder to feel like you matter in people's lives, because they all prioritize their partner before their friends. And maybe their situations aren't exactly the same (Nick has a daughter while Edgeworth lives alone) and maybe their choices were made for different reasons (Nick used to date and didn't mind it but didn't see a need to prioritize it. Edgeworth found himself unable to distinguish with certainty whether or not he was actually romantically interested in people, and rather than make the wrong choice he decided he would rule out error by choosing no one at all). But regardless, they both know first hand the isolation that comes with trying to carve a path for themselves that does not include a life partner in a world where everyone else comes in pairs. And Nick is reaching out across that emptiness saying hey, we might both be building different lives, but there's room for you to be a part of mine if you want.

Outloud, Nick says "Really, Miles. You aren't alone in this." and Edgeworth says "Well, Phoenix, neither are you". And he stands there and lets his friend hug him, and it doesn't feel like butterflies but it does feel solid and warm and good. And he doesn't even worry about whether he's supposed to let go by now or not, because it's nice, not being alone.

They stand there in comfortable silence for a long moment before Nick speaks again. "hey, remember when you used to hate me? And look at us now." Edgeworth turns his head sharply. "I never HATED you, Wright. I simply thought you were foolish and a waste of my time." He realizes a little too late that this is probably a rude thing to say to the person that just gave you a pep talk, but Nick just laughs, his head still resting on Edgeworth's shoulder. Looking at him from this angle, face almost fully hidden, Nick could be any age at all. It's easy to imagine for a moment that he's the same nervous version of himself that stood across from him in the courtroom for the first time all those years ago. The only thing breaking the illusion is the subtle streaks of silver that cross his temples. Not entirely sure why he does it, Edgeworth kisses the top of Nick's head. He feels odd about it the moment he does so, realizing it comes across not as a platonic or romantic action but as a gesture suited for a dog or pet of some kind. Nick looks up, looking confused but not displeased. "What was that for?" "It was a thank you I suppose". Miles steps away now, still uncomfortable with perceived failures even if those failures are just in social interactions, and begins to gather his things while Nick gets down a tupperware from a cabinet. "Thank you, for the dinner and for the paintings." Edgeworth continues. "I'd like to repay the favor once I get settled into the new house. Trucy's invited too, of course". As he says it, he realizes he genuinely is looking forward to seeing them again. Nick walks him to the apartment door and they say their goodbyes while Edgeworth tucks the paintings (and Trucy's dolphin drawing) under his arm.

He gets halfway down the hallway when he hears Nick calling after him. "Hey! Miles! Take an art class with me sometime" Newfound friendship or not, Edgeworth just looks at him in disdain. "what, so you can show off your superior art skills? No thank you, Wright" "No, for fun. You can make things of your own to hang on your walls. We can do something I've never done before so we're evenly matched. Like printmaking? Origami? Um, pottery?" Edgeworth bristles at the suggestions but takes a moment to acknowledge why he's feeling that way; again, it's that fear of failure. But he's enjoyed himself today and deep down he thinks it could be fun to try something new, not with the goal of being perfect at it but with the goal of spending time together. Nick surprised him today. Maybe he can surprise himself. "... I would consider pottery" Edgeworth admits. And Nick looks really happy about it. "Great. I'll book us a session then. It'll be fun, you'll see. Edgeworth shakes his head, but there's no malice behind it. "Have a good night, Phoenix" "You too. Get home safe Miles".

Edgeworth gets home a little before midnight and props the three canvases against the moving boxes still stacked up in the foyer. Tomorrow, he'll figure out where he wants to hang them. Right now though, he walks over to the bare fridge and carefully pins up Tracy's dolphin drawing. There's a lot more work to do, but it's already starting to feel like home.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm IWTV-wank-avoidance-asking Anon and it kinda missed me that it would be a wanky topic lol I was trying to see if the show is worth watching. A lot of my mutuals are posting IWTV gifs so I assume it's good, but I was curious if anyone who read the novel would think "Better read the novel". I don't realize an asking-for-rec ask would be wanky, but now that I think about who the writer is, it kinda makes sense. My bad lol

--

Ahahahaha.

Around here, I don't think anyone is precious enough about Anne Rice to start the genuine version of this wank, but Rice fandom can be... uh... very intense even on top of Rice herself having been the queen of drama.

You know about Red Beans Anne Rice, right?

Many years ago, Anne got all butthurt about a tacky-ass restaurant taking over an abandoned building that she'd had Lestat being emo in in one of the books. Instead of gothic atmosphere, it was now very PINK and LOUD. So she wasted money taking out ads in the local paper as Lestat trying to shame the restaurant owner... at which point a bunch of other restaurant owners also wasted money to respond in newspaper ads saying that they welcomed fellow businesspeople. It all ended in the restaurant's grand opening and people with plates of "Red beans Anne Rice" (i.e. red beans and rice).

--

Anyway, I read the first book back in the 90s when I was like 15. It's decent from what I remember. The thing that made it iconic when it came out in 1976 was that it was pretty heavily pushing the vampire=drug addict metaphor. This is everywhere in sexy goth sadboi vampire media now, but it wasn't as much of a thing at the time.

It was also very, very gay but in that way where (at least in the first book), nobody really says the word. That meant something in the 70s. Even by the 90s, it wasn't such a big deal, and it's a big nothingburger in the 2020s.

Book 1 is Rice dealing with the death of her child. It's all about suicidal feelings and Catholic weirdness. The main character is Louis, a.k.a. Rice's self-insert (which she confirmed herself).

Books 2 onward are about Lestat's dick.

He becomes a rockstar, vampire-bones the ur vampire, which causes him to mega level up, thus enabling him to thwart her plot to kill all men on earth aside form a few for breeding purposes, bodyswaps so he has a working penis again, fucks a nun, swaps back, gets Louis back by trying to commit suicide and accidentally getting a tan, etc... Much, much later books are about the other bonkers vampires, most of them more in the horny rockstar mold than the sad mommy of dead baby one.

In book 1, Louis is a depressed plantation owner who eats a bunch of his slaves among other fucked up shit. Claudia, their vampire daughter, is a small child who is upset about being stuck as a kid forever. One of the more disturbing parts is when Louis finds out she's fucking adult men. Lestat turns out to be a French nobleman with mommy issues despite Louis thinking he was only pretending to be upper class.

-- The TV series moved the entire plot much later in history, made Louis black, and gave him a spine. Some racists cried about this and some of tumblr cried about how it was offensive to take the plantation owner and make him black instead of doing that with the other one.

The show also made it more overt that Lestat is an abusive jackass boyfriend. This apparently came as a surprise to people with poor reading comprehension. Others have wanked about fans still liking Louis/Lestat instead of Louis/less terrible boyfriends. But... like... It's IWTV. What did they expect?

(So yes, some book fans will be immensely wanky about the show. Ignore them.)

Also, I hear they fuck on the show? Rice's vampires don't have working junk, which we know because Lestat stands in front of an entire wall of mirrors in the most bougie bathroom ever in Akasha's evil lair and discusses how his penis—I mean "The Organ"—no longer does anything.

Also, Armand in the books is the 14-year-old kept boy of a Renaissance painter with a harem of boys or something like that. (It's been a very long time since I read these.) Shit like this never makes it into the adaptations.

--

If you're curious about the history of vampire media or about a certain kind of Southern gothic shit, sure, read the books, particularly the first one with its radically different tone and much greater historical importance.

The old movie is a decent adaptation of book 1, though it makes it less gay (or at least removes Louis' weird boner for his dead brother) and messes with the ending in a way that would have made sequels veer off from the books. I haven't seen that other old movie with Aaliyah, but it looks like a campy time capsule of baaaad movies of that era.

Anyway, no, you don't need to read the book before watching the show. They changed a massive amount of stuff.

I'm in more of a Chinese media phase right now, but a bunch of friends have watched and said the show is genuinely good.

[npdzane]

Hiiiii, could you explain you npd Zane hc to me? As someone who lives with a narcissist, I’m very interested.

IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!!!!!! FOR SO LONG!!!!!!

Tw I think bc ik i will be mentioning sh. But only for a sentence or two.

Mostly just "he's just like me fr". I get how it can sound confusing, especially as a lot of people tend to see Zane as the opposite of what a (stereotypical) narcissist would act like, so I'll try to explain in a way that makes sense.

I'm going to list off traits I see in him, and then what caused it and how it developed over time. Starting with the traits.

- Pixal is 100% his fp. I don't think there's anything to say about it that hasn't been said already. You don't just give a girl half your heart because you "like her a little" without having some issues.

- "Be envious of others/believe others are envious of them". He stated himself that he envied Kai. He also has moments where he does things that make him look better than others ("I personally find old video games to be unchallenging", something about his tone when he was saying "being a nindroid, I wont be able to be digested.", he also just does a lot of random flips and shit when its not needed?? That part may be a stretch though.).

- "Withdrawal from situations where they may fail." In Quest for the Lost Powers, he almost quits out of fear that he won't be able to face the Ice Emperor without breaking down. He also tends to tell someone they shouldn't do something because the chance of failing is too high.

- "Feeling depressed or moody over not reaching perfection/secretly feeling insecure, shameful, and humiliation and fearing being exposed as a failure" In s4, he panics over feeling like he'll always be just a replica of the original Zane. He's desperately begging Pixal to save him from said panic too (which fits into the last trait). He still has similar fears to this day, feeling like being seen as just a robot takes away from his original design. Meaning he failed at fitting in, which was always his goal.

- "Have trouble interacting with others and easily feel sighted" in the entirety of S1-3, he struggles HEAVILY to talk to the others. Granted this does get better throughout the series, but it's getting bad again it seems. He often goes on solo missions or stays in the monastery/Destiny's Bounty. I personally think it's because he feels the others don't see him as vital to the team as they should, or he believes he doesn't need help with anything from anyone (but Pixal). The point is there is some sense of "they don't appreciate me enough".

- "React with rage or contempt to try to belittle others to make them appear superior". Again, bringing back the "I find older video games to be non challenging" quote. As well as the fact that every time Pixal is obviously very annoyed by him, he ignores her and carries on with what he thinks is the right idea (Detective/Pirate Zane obviously was a bad idea, but noooo Zane can't be wrong ever). He doesn't react with rage as much (at least not openly), however he does ignore people when he's doubted.

Ok! That's not as much as I thought! A few other things I wanted to point out, although these are also headcanons:

- His self esteem is TERRIBLE.

- What he believes he doesn't make up for in battle, training, etc, he tries to make up for in smarts and hobbies to impress people.

- He bases his opinions on people based on assumptions. For example, he'll assume everything about a person's personality and hobbies (sometimes even their skill level at those hobbies) based on first impressions. So, say he meets someone like Jay who seems very excited about something he doesn't like, his first assumption will be "this person is most likely annoying and a waste of time because they're trying to be as good as me, that's not egotistical that's just an observation. Everyone complimenting them is simply lying to them.".

- He refuses to believe any of his flaws are his fault, sure he can say he has flaws but they're all someone else's fault. It's never just how he is, it's always because "someone caused me to act like this".

- He switches between "I'm literally amazing I'm so smart I'm funny I'm good at everything" to "Everyone hates me for no reason I dont deserve any of this they're all terrible awful people" and then again to "I'm not good enough yet I need to push myself more so they'll see I'm better than they think". All because of a small bit of criticism. He absolutely cannot handle criticism. ("Why are you doubting me!? I'm a nindroid!" <- when Kai tried helping him, "Not now Pixal!" <- when Pixal told him trying to out-smart Nadakhan was a bad idea)

- I think him and Pixal argue a LOT. It's why I don't openly ship pixane. I believe ever since he found out she was Samurai X his trust issues got way worse (While he is easily trusting, once he does trust someone it's hard to not break it). He constantly uses their "no more secrets" promise agaisnt her, and he thinks that no matter what she or anyone else tells him, the probability of her keeping something from him is high, and he has to stop it (even if it means being extra clingy, possessive, and controling). But the other ninja somehow haven't noticed this from them, they just believe it's normal couple banter.

Sorry, like I said, this headcanon is coming out of my ass. Now I can talk about what caused it.

I see Dr. Julien as a good father to Zane, just not the best one. Like he's at the lower end of average. Not abusive so to speak, just overly critical and slightly neglectful. Zane's a robot, so why can't he do the things Dr. Julien tells him to do well enough! Julien accidentally made him too similar to the (daughter..ftm moment.) son he wanted, so similar that it turns out Zane needed the same amount of attention and support an actual child would've needed, which Julien didn't account for. Zane was used to only receiving the bare minimum of those two by s1. Unfortunately the bare minimum is far from enough. Not to mention the isolation he had to live through living in Birchwood, far from the village.

I think what we see as OG Zane is basically his child/early teen stage. Anything past s4 is late teen/adult, which is when his symptoms started showing up more. The other ninja, especially Wu, noticed he was starting to cling to Pixal much more (especially since she was in his mind). He'd also start spending more time on hobbies and things to impress people. Thinking if they thought his new self was better than his old self, he wouldn't be seen as a failed replica of the original Zane. He thought he could hide the fact it was all just to look better than everyone else, but either Kai or Cole picked up on it (Kai because he acts similarly in that way, and Cole because he's usually the first to notice things wrong with Zane.). When they showed their concern, Zane only saw it as motivation to try harder and them trying to take Pixal from him.

After the Never Realm, his self esteem and worth went to absolute shit. Not only was he abused and manipulated, he was at fault for the deaths of thousands.

But worst of all, he let himself be abused. Or at least that's what he believes (the Quest for the Lost Powers also confirms this!). He blames himself massively. How could he let himself fall for that? Why didn't he fully cover up the cave to stop threats from coming in? Why didn't he kill Vex when he got his memories back? Why did he let Vex control him? Isn't he supposed to be perfect? How could someone who claims to be perfect let himself slip up like that?

He definitely started to push himself more after coming back. In training, in battle, with maintaining the monastery, with cooking for the others, hobbies, you get the point. He'd completely forgotten to be patient with himself while trying to gain control over his powers and his life again. Meaning the next time he tried to use them in training, they were out of control and he ended up failing and hurting himself. But how? How could he not be perfect if he was trying as hard as he could? If he was programmed to be the best, why isn't he?

Pixal was also starting to get annoyed with Zane, he was way too attached and she knew that. It made her fall out of love, if there was any in the first place. Zane refused to let her separate from him though, especially since there was still the idea that she was keeping things from him. He believed Pixal didn't think he was worth caring about, causing him to purposely make himself worse in hopes her pity will keep her with him. He'd already been struggling with self harm, but now it was as a punishment for failing as well as a way to get Pixal not to leave (See why I don't ship them now?). I would love to talk about how I think he s/h but it'd take another post.

Now that Pixal is gone, he's getting way worse mentally. Which is why he seems like he's not working as well as usual (in the tournament). It's not like he's not trying anymore, it's that he hasn't let himself rest enough for his efforts to work.

That was way less than i expected to say (⁠･⁠o⁠･⁠;⁠). Anyway! Yeah!!! It is just mainly headcanons, but if Zane were confirmed to have some kind of personality disorder in a different world where ninjago isn't for tiny kids I wouldn't be surprised!!!

TY TY TY TY FOR ASKING IVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG TO YAP ABOUT THIS. 😭😭😭😭

[ominus-potato]

Hi, just wanted some advice about fanfics on ao3, how do you write them? and how can I make my one shot fic impactful for the readers. I'm planning on making a fic but since it's my first time making I kinda don't know where to start.. It's fine if you don't know though! just thought of asking cause you're writing's really good imo.

Sneak peak of the next part of the Pining Mario series at the end!

Well when I write, I don’t do it on AO3. I draft my work on Wattpad and then cross-post it to AO3. This is because AO3 is a bit more complicated, can be dodgy with saving works and only work when I have Wi-Fi. With Wattpad, I can write offline which is very helpful. Some people also draft on google docs so there’s that as well.

In terms of ACTUAL writing, there are two ways to leave an impression on the reader. There’s the way liked with angst, pain and maybe a bit of comfort; and there’s the way of making a story so sickeningly sweet that the reader is gushing over every cute moment. The length of the story also plays a factor. If it’s under 4000 I’d recommend avoiding angst bc you don’t have much time to set it up and at it off effectively.

Personally, I pretty much never write angst unless I genuinely believe it’ll make a story better. I’ve read fics before where the author will just throw in a shit ton of angst for no reason other than to make the reader feel bad for the mc and it just feels really cheap. It’s hard to do angst right and it’s really tempting to just give everyone a super fucked up backstory and make them depressed or something but imo it’s just overdone to the point of exhaustion. It can make a story depressing and no longer a fun read.

Whenever I write angst, it’s a small part of a mostly fluff-filled story. Take the pining Mario series for example. 19,000 words of silly pining hyjinx with a few small drops of angst. Then have the angst bubble over a little in Shots and Cowboys, Mario has a small breakdown since we’ve been keeping up with the story from his perspective mostly. That then allows me to forward the story and give character a new motivation.

If youre going to use angst to get an emotional reaction, you MUST have good set up and pay off. Especially if it’s a longer story. Also, you don’t have to do this, but I’d recommend against adding angst unless it’s necessary. Don’t just throw it in there Willy nilly yk?

If you wanna know how I do my stories, I really enjoy making them sweet and adorable with a little bit of drama and comedy. Like “Love is not a foreign language” where it’s just Mario and Mr Puzzles being adorable as hell for 6000 words. Then the drama comes when Puzzles reveals he can understand Mario and that only leads to more cutesy love.

A lot of it comes down to the story you’re trying to tell and how you want your reader to react. When I write a story, I want my readers to be invested in the drama and rising tensions, enjoying the little spurts of comedy here and there and ultimately, finding the main ship really cute in the end. I try to make people happy with my work bc I write the kinda stuff I would love to read! Because if I would read it, someone else definitely would.

Also, I feel like I must add that I have only ever written ship stories. If you wanted advice on stories in general with no shipping then I wouldn’t really know how to advise you on that. I love relationships between characters. Whether it’s ships or friendships. It’s my favourite part of any fandom so it’s where I specialise in my work.

Sorry I don’t really have like a plan or anything. I just keep it all in my head, know a few plot points I want to hit, and write to them. I try to get around 3-5 plot points for my longer stories and then just 1 or maybe 2 for the shorter ones. I sometimes add them as I go if I think it’ll make the story better!

For example, my plot points in Shots and Cowboys were:

•Mario tries to buy Puzzles a drink

•Mario and Mr Puzzles are interrupted by Wren and Mario is jealous

•Mario and Wren do something to fight for Puzzles’ affection (IE, play pool)

•Mario looses Puzzles to Wren, sees them kiss and is devastated.

•Mr Puzzles thinks that Mario is heartbroken over SMG4 and promises to help him move on.

Then if I get any smaller points like certain ships, lines, dynamics or interactions I wanna add I just sprinkle them in where I can.

I don’t really have much advice outside of that. I tend to just think of a scene or an idea I’d love to write and then more ideas pop up around it. It’s just one major point that gets built around. IE, Mario being jealous was the premise of SAC purely just because there were a few jealous Puzzles stories and I wanted to see if I could switch the dynamic.

Sorry for the long wall of text. I just wanna make sure it’s detailed enough for you. Just make it up as you go along and write what you wanna read. I re-read my stuff all the time because I genuinely enjoy what I write and it gives me exactly what I want. Have fun with it!

And if you’re worried about it being terrible, I’d advise you to read my old Lego Ninjago fanfiction that I wrote when I was 13. My god it was awful. But it shows development!

First story:

Latest story:

Enjoy that sneak peak of the next part of the Pining Mario series :D

[thewatcher-ofmedia]

🔥CHARACTER REVIEW TIME🔥

(Can you tell that my portuguese teacher didn't come so I have 100 minutes without shit to do)

ANYWAYS, since I'm in the 4th episode I think it's a good time to see first impressions

MAIN CHARACTERS

CHARLES

I love him so much, like I was 10 minutes in and saying "I would die for you, I would kill for you, just ask and I'll do it"

Favourite character obviously

Wanna put him in a jar and protect him from everything bad in the world

He's brunette, has curls, is the sunshine character, has daddy issues and uses humour to cope so obviously he's also on the list of fictional crushes

Also something that I absolutely love about this show is that they pick this "stereotypical characters" and make them better.

Like, in this case the always happy character would have a ton of trauma but the show (or the characters, but that's a talk for another post) would not acknowledge this, they would show real depressed shit and then completely ignore it for the rest of the show.

Or just show it in the end of the series then kill him off.

But here they're letting people know from the beginning AND it's visible that the fact that he hides it is gonna be a major plot point in the show which makes me SO HAPPY

And in the loop scenes they made sure to focus on Charles face and reaction every. single. time.

Anways, I'm soo curious to learn more about his trauma and death and to see his character development

And he's so cute and trying so hard to make sure everyone likes him and lighten the mood and to not be a bother and to make everyone happy and I'm gonna cry

EDWIN

I also love him so goddamn much

He's also going in the jar, don't worry I'll protect you from everything

He's my baby (he was born more two hundred years before me and is my age BUT HE'S MY BABY)

Seriously someone needs to sit him down and say that everything is going to be ok (and get death the fuck away from him, my boy does not deserve hell, he deserves to be with his boyfriend best friend)

Also love this concept that everyone around him knows he's not straight, he knows that he's not straight but somehow he's still in the closet. Like, he never says he's straight, but he says to Niko that Mounty and him both boys, so one cannot be into the other and when Niko says that boys can like like each other he just turns the conversation around

I think they're writing that so well. It's subtle yet obvious, it's so good

Also, he's autistic, definitely in the spectrum. He obviously doesn't know because the first diagnosed case of autism was in 1943

And the dynamics that he has with everyone is SO GODDAMN GOOD

CRYSTAL

Someone give this girl an aspirin, a therapist and a bed

My girl cannot catch a break

One more in the protection jar, don't worry, I'll find your family for you, you need to rest

Overall great character, she's sassy, she's funny and she's the only emotional intelligent one

She's definitely gonna be the bridge for Edwin and Charles' romantically relationship

Like she's Miss "Edwin is acting weird because he's jeaulous of the sexual tension that we have, Charles" and Miss "Charles got stuck in the loop because he has strong feelings towards abusive fathers because he had one, Edwin"

Really love that we have someone to smack this idiots and say "You're in love with each other" because they are not gonna realise that by themselves

Also, DAVID GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER, SHE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. I'LL GET THE CROSS, I SWEAR I'LL DO IT.

NIKO

She's so cute, I wanna protect her from this cruel, cruel world

This means that I already have her in the jar, no one else is gonna get to her

At first I thought she was gonna be this really closed and introvert character that was gonna talk when absolutely necessary and was a bit emo. But like her hair her personality lightened up as soon as the parasites got out (she was sick it's normal that she was wuth a really depressed attutude but Bea's too focused on the story to remember how people act socially)

I really wanna hug her, I need to

Also love how eager she is to help and how she has nothing to do with the boys , she's a "cas closed" but even Edwin can't say no to her

I feel like her "almost dying" trauma is gonna be a bit underrated (although I see that they are not completely ignoring because of the 3rd episode where she felt like she couldn't deal with death since she almost met her the week before) but I want to believe the opposite because until now the show has not disappointed me in terms of traumas (or in other terms really)

SIDE CHARACTERS

ESTHER

I don't have much to say, I like her in the twisted "this is a fun villain" way

I'm really curious to know more about this Lilith and immortality thing

She did loose some points in my book with the whole torturing the crow thing

I am ✨️traumatised✨️

CAT KING

I'm so confused about his character

Like, he's a really fun character

And his outfits are great

But at the same time, get the fuck away from Edwin, in both the scenes with both of them I was so scared that he was going to the "no consent" zone

I do love that both the scenes where he's in he slays the outfit, tries to drag Edwin out the glass closet, fails, keeps him trapped so he can try to do this one more time and goes away

Like, he has one objective and one objective only and honestly, respect

JENNY

My patient queen

I have not much more to say

She accidentally adopted two really weird teenagers and regrets that so much

I respect her so much

As an older sister, if she snaps, grabs a knife and kills them both out of annoyance I would support it

That's it 🫶

If you haven't understood yet I have way too many thoughts about this series

[johannestevans]

i wanted to write a BIG essay on disability in House MD but the thing is that as it goes on the show plays and delves with the themes a bit differently - like in s1 they begin to introduce some addict stuff but not too much, and much less of the big grapples with house's own medical agency etc by his friends and coworkers

so i think i'm gonna do an essay series, set up some main themes around disability and autonomy in house

the first things will obviously be about the nature of house's own disability, firstly talking about his physical disability - yes, the lack of mobility from his leg and his reliance on his cane, and also the chronic pain that that comes with, but also specifically noting that house became disabled later in life and was previously extremely physically active

while the themes of house being an addict are extremely overstated because of the us' manufactured opioid crisis and its dehumanisation of addicts due to its racist and eugenicist "war on drugs", it's also noteworthy that he used to exercise all day every day on top of fucking and playing with substances on the side. no one minded this because his "addiction" to exercise was fun and sexy and healthy, bc he was making his own pain-killing substances rather than taking a pill

and then also talking about house's mental health issues - evidence of his autism and the way that people hate specifically his autistic traits, even when they're not actually causing them problems, and the way in which house masks and performs certain emotional responses, but more so like. his depression and his loss of identity as a disabled man, and his difficulties being OKAY with his disability when everyone around him hates disability

so apart from that evidence, the points of house grappling with this stuff will be:

house bonding with other disabled patients - in cases of chronic pain, lost physical mobility, and also mental illness and/or neurodivergence

and house specifically understanding disabled people's perspectives, or thinking about the PRACTICAL needs of the person they're treating or engaging with rather than what society cares about or what the hospital thinks is "appropriate" or "proper"

house bullying abled people for being Weird

times where house makes commentary about the injustice of the system (when he points out that the hospital is designed not to treat the poor, chronically sick, etc)

house being anxious and defensive of his own bodily autonomy (eg when ppl are trying to control his pain management or force him into systems that don't work, take over his medical autonomy, in general try to physically control his behaviours)

esp bc season 1 culminates in the stacy episode where we find that like... so much of house's trauma is not just being disabled

but the fact that stacy OVERRODE his desires, waiting for him to be put into a medically induced coma so that she could make "the best" decision for him and literally being the cause of his current disability. esp bc like...

she specifically went for the middle ground that he rejected, she was NOT a doctor

and in so doing she. invented his chronic pain. like there's a reason that in that same episode, we see the volleyball player who gets an amputation and is able to go back to sports - yes, house is a lot older than that volleyball player, but like

if he had either treated the infarction successfully or just got an amputation so that he could later work with a prostheses, house thinks he would have done much better

and so much of his TERROR around trusting others - not just stacy but wilson, cuddy, anybody else - is because of that. the one person he loved and trusted overrode his desires and created the hell he lives in where he's just in constant agony and he hates it, and the worst part is like

everyone tells him it's his fault. no one cares about what stacy did to him, that she manipulated him. every day they tell house how terrible it is that he does that to others, but when it's what happened to him and he lives in hell, it's on him because he's Mean and Too Autistic and he should just Stop Being In Pain etc

god it kills me.

BUT YEAH i think. season by season is gonna be a lot better to track the development of these themes and the way they shift and change from season to season - also idefk if i'll be able to stick with like. the last three seasons bc they just suck so ba dhfskjjgh

BUT WE'LL SEE

[mama-qwerty]

Thinking about Dread again.

Was going through my saved images and came across these, from the third season.

My deranged beloved has become a sad little meow meow.

So pensive. So frustrated. So defeated.

(My favorite image of him in this scene. I love that pose, it's so natural and conveys so much about his mental and emotional state.)

I still think the way they handled his 'redemption' completely missed the mark, and could have been done much better had they planted a few seeds to begin with. But the pacing of the whole series felt so odd, and I wonder if they had something different planned before Netflix (possibly) cut their time shorter.

(For the record, I think that's part of the problem with the Knuckles series. It felt like there should have been more in that, but Paramount told them they only had 6 eps to do what they wanted in 12.)

But Dread? My beloved little gremlin of a pirate? Oh, he had so much potential. He could have been this wild card, this character who continued to be him despite everything, who was so anti-Knuckles it was entertaining and fun and just a joy to watch him have so much fun being a bastard.

I get that they couldn't keep a Knuckles as an absolute asshole, but watching this delightful character go from this

To this

without seeing anything in between was jarring. The last we saw of Dread before season 3 started was him fighting with Ren as Sonic and Nine took the shards away. He was enraged to have lost his Beauty. Again. We have no idea what happened after that, but this descent into depression seemed sudden and out of character.

But considering how he behaved after his first loss of the shard (when he lost his first ship and crew), maybe this isn't that much of a stretch. He ran before, jumping nose first into denial, and tried to cover his feelings of defeat by being a party pirate. Now his Beauty is lost once again, and he's in a strange city, on another planet (in another universe!) and has made himself at odds with the people there. (With his other him.) He couldn't even contact his crew because he'd turned on them before leaving.

So here's Dread, completely out of his element, the one thing he'd lusted after his entire life gone. It would figure that he'd maybe have a bit of Ren's depressive state, and fall into a "What's the point? What I want always seems to be just out of reach. I'll never have my one true desire." mindset.

And maybe, since the shards were all gone, he's feeling some kind of mental shift. I've theorized that the shard's energy was what made Dread so batshit, and now that it's gone, maybe he's starting to think a little more clearly than he'd ever done before. Instead of that drive to "FIND HAVE KEEP" that gem, he's feeling like a failure for not being able to fulfill that quest. That duty. Because maybe to him, it didn't feel like the normal greed of pirate plunder, the urge to just take and steal and collect as much booty as possible. Maybe to him, because he's a Knuckles and they're hard wired to protect, it was something more personal.

That shard, according to his instincts, was his to protect. And now that it's gone, he's a failure and feels empty. He's coming down off that energy, the inexplicable hold the shard held over him, and is essentially going through a withdrawal of sorts, and dealing with the possibly conflicting emotions it dredged up.

There was so much potential for him. And the writers wasted it, by having him simply join in on the attack on Nine without examining his (very likely) ulterior motives. I don't like that they used that Jack character to draw Dread's selfish desires back out - those should have still been there! The whole agreement to join in should have been a plot to simply get him near his Beauty so he could pull a double cross.

This made it seem like Dread didn't even think about his Beauty during the whole battle. WHAT?? Being near it should have made him almost feral with the want to get to it. I would have loved to have seen him be another obstacle to the shard, so the heroes didn't only have to deal with Nine and his endless army of bots, but also this deranged pirate who was overcome with treasure lust.

Missed opportunity.

Ah well.

Just lookit this handsome bastard.

My beloved. Dread is possibly my absolutely favorite variant of Knuckles. I just love him.

[everybody-loves-purdy]

I think I'd be more interesting if Root wasn't a great mate/father,

not in the asshole way like Crowfucker but like never moving on from Bristle.

While I like to theorize that Moonpaw's voice is actually Bristle (or Goosefeather, which is a whole other can of worm) and the new series is about saving her/her spirit, I think Rootspring never being able to move on is SO much more interesting.

Picture this:

Wren confesses to Root who decides to give it a chance as he's very close with his family, it's something he's always wanted to have. They court and become mates, but Root still feels empty (it's a mix of depression, PTSD, and derealization from his time in Dark Forest/Never being able to see his first love in Heaven because she's double dead + Bramble's Ghost/Civil War).

He confesses he "wants a family" to Wren who immediately says yes and is ready to have kits, she's head-over-heels for him after all. Wren and Root have a good relationship and Root does his best to be a good mate. Kits are born and the two are happy... but it's clear Root does not feel any romantics towards Wren.

As the kits grow, Root is present but not entirely and towards the kits being 6 moons. Root breaks it off with Wren who is hurt but not surprised. Root and Wren become an awkward divorced couple as both care deeply about one another, and neither really hates the other. The kits are purely plot drivers as Wren and Root don't talk to each other much but still love their kits. After a lot of pushing and the kits pointing out their bullshit, the two talk.

By the time Wren and Root have a conversation and closure, I want Root to think about what he's done to his kits (i.e. neglect) and try to change for them. He has known that he needed help but refused to get any for so long, I mean what's the point? It's in the past. But his kits are quick to point out that "Bitch, we thought you didn't love us because you barely talked to us," and Root goes "Oh fuck my trauma has traumatised my own children, I REALLY need help." Root gets better and strives to be a better father...and friend.

Wren has her own development post-divorce. Being the only survivor of her litter, having helicopter parent Bellaleaf, and the expectation of continuing Skyclan's bloodline, shape Wren to be the stereotypical she-cat her society wants her to be. Wren latches onto Root as he's cute and kind and clearly not looking for anyone to be his mate. Wren DID fall in love with him eventually, but her initial attraction to him was purely because he's mate material: the dude is A Light in the Mist. A hero. So he's the perfect guy to have a family with.

The divorce was something Wren saw coming but didn't expect it to happen. She expected that she and Root would raise a few kits and just live out their days as mates, even if it was just in title. But Root wasn't happy. Root wasn't happy with HER (not really but it's how it came across). Wren has an identity crisis as having a mate and kits has been her goal in life since she herself was a kit. After some soul searching, Wren realizes that her dream isn't her own. It's society's.

Wren starts to work on herself. She had been told that she didn't have to be a good fighter or hunter to be a good mate and mother, so her kits decided to do some training with her to gain more confidence. But she's bad. Like. Really bad. Even her kits are like "Mom? No offence you REALLY suck, are you okay??" Then to the fun reveal that Wren cheated on her warrior assessment so she could get closer to Root. She's been able to scrape by without anyone noticing her so far because CAN hunt and fight, she just needs a bit more training. The guilt of faking her assessment plagues her, so her kits take it upon themselves to be her mentor/s. For drama's sake, Hawkwing overhears a conversation about Wren faking her assessment and is pissed. He has a private conversation with Wren + the kits about keeping this from him, and Wren is a wreak about someone finding out her shameful secret. She and her kits apologise. Hawk, being the himbo he is, goes, "Why are you apologising??? You can just take the assessment again??" Thus, upping the stakes and giving Wren motivation.

I think Root and Wren would have a talk before Wren's private assessment as they've both worked on themselves enough to hold a conversation and not just awkwardly ignore each other (This is only because I want Root and the kits to cheer her on during her assessment heheh). Root talks about his mental health, Bristle, the DF, all of it. He apologises for leading her on as he did want to have a mate and she's a great she-cat, she didn't deserve to be hurt like that. He also talks about how his mental health affects the kits and swears to be better for them, her, and mostly importantly himself. Wren apologises as well for being pushy about wanting kits/being mates to which Root is like 'Stop don't apologise, I wanted to be mates and have kits too'.

Wren talks about how Root made her feel like she wasn't there. How no matter what she did, nothing seemed to make him happy. She loved him and all she wanted was for him to be happy, happy with her. Wren talks about the fragile personality she adapted to seem more appealing, and how in the hopes of needing a 'big strong man' to help her, Root would be happy. Wren talks about how life-changing getting divorced was for her lol and how their kits have been helping her this whole time re-take her warrior assessment. She's ready to live for herself too. She apologises to Root for not being what she desires but she's okay that she isn't, Wren wants to be what she wants now: a warrior.

Ofc Wren passes her assessment and everyone cheers : D I'd like to think Root and Wren stay separated but become besties. Root becomes a better cat mentally and Wren breaks her own (albeit forced) social norm to be what SHE wants, as she should.

anyway erins hire me

This is so good I really love this idea

[findafight]

you're so right. i will never understand the hold rockstar eddie has on ppl. his character immediately becomes insufferable if he's super famous and successful, esp in no upside down aus where he never experiences some form of ego death/being forced to reassess his own bullshit. not to mention he is just not someone who would become uber famous like he does not have the personality to either pull it off or handle it well if he miraculously did imo. steve really screams child star to me tho in an au. plus his entire character arc kind of speaks to him being able to handle fame (ie the fact that steve is a v reflective, adaptive character that was capable of actually changing and improving his behavior even w/o knowing about the upside down originally) and knowing/learning who he should be surrounding himself w. like i firmly believe steve could actually handle being famous in a way eddie could not.

I do enjoy rockstar eddie to a point? it depends I think. Rockstar/musician aus are popular in fandoms of all sorts an I like them sorta...hit or miss? haha.

But you're right that it's become...idk over saturated? And yeah absolutely Eddie's ego death and the shattering of the Munson Docterine is kind of pivotal for his character growth. Like I know the duffers don't think Eddie's problem is that he's stuck in highschool clique mode (They seem to think his flaw is that he's a coward...which is a different meta but his reactions are reasonable to the situations he's thrown in), because they only think "jocks" are the problem there, but he is. Him realizing that actually Steve is pretty cool is the stepping stone to him not hating jocks on principal, and broadening and nuancing his view of people outside his assumptions on who are "Proper" nerds. No- upside down aus, regardless of any other trope in them, often fall flat for me in that aspect, yet always make sure to remind us Steve was a bit of a stuck up dick in highschool (until the beginning of grade 11) and it's tiring to nt see Eddie allowed to be wrong and have that moment of self-betterment.

And yeah, I can maybe see eddie becoming semi-famous session musician (not a musician that is a session musician AND recording/performing artist by themself like Glen Campbell or Marvin Gaye) through a series of events like. Playing one of his hyper specific songs at a small gig, someone in desperate need of a guitarist is there and sees he is incredibly talented as a guitarist, asks him to help as a session musician in like two days, he plays, someone at the studio is like hey. wanna be on-call for us? and eddies like sure. ok. So sometimes he's on hit records but they aren't his. royalties are decent from the amount of work he's done. He's a pinch hitter guitarist, and he's good, so he gets a rep in the industry for that. He doesn't seem like the kind of person that could thrive in the high pressure, has major deadlines, environment that being a famous musician woudl be. I mean a lot of rockstars aren't either and it's not healthy for them? I can see Eddie crashing and burning, which I know a lot of fics cover but I also find it super depressing haha. He would probably be too standoffish and anti-authority and possibly refuse outside input for stuff, so he'd be off putting in the industry. not that musicians are always pleasant to work with but i think you get it.

Child star Steve would be so neat tbh. Look I love famous athlete Steve. but also the allure of him being famous young... Maybe as a little piano prodigy? (I love piano prodigy steve hehe) or an actor? like canon era he could have been a Mousketeer! Maybe he did a couple movies (what if he was in a few cult-classic scifi movies...that the party just so happen to love....but don't pay attention to the name of the child actor in...or maybe he used a stage name?) And then him fading away and living his life a little bit, before he decides to come back into the limelight?

I think that often we forget that Steve's "come-to-jesus" moment happened without the upside down. He talked shit, got hit, and then decided that he owed Jonathan (and Nancy) an apology. No one made him help clean up the grafitti! He had no idea there were monsters he just had a shit 48 hours where he went off the handle and then decided he had been an ass and to fix himself. When he was 16! He'd have made these changes to himself without the Upsidedown. Somehow the party knew his full name, and I love the hc that he won a major game/championship for Hawkins as a junior/sophomore so was a minor town celebrity. These lend to Steve being able to handle the pressure without too major a fallout or a long-term downward spiral of self destruction.

Except (okay operating as like a post-canon thing, because I love canon-divergent aus more than no-upside down aus but could still work?) now he's battle scarred and obviously not the rosy-cheeked boy he was when he was a tween. I'm thinking maybe he goes back in '89? give some time to heal from the upside down and Robin is moving for Uni, he's obviously going with her, so he figures acting would beat dead-end minimum wage jobs. Or at least spice things up in between shifts. Maybe he starts with theatre, and decides to see if there's some screen auditions he could do. Maybe he still has people in the industry who remember working with him (he's a good team player and a natural leader) and they help in slip back in. He does some bit parts, a few semi-recurring characters. Maybe he's even on an episode of Law and Order, and people go hey! That guy who's crying over his dead girlfriend (he's a red herring) is the kid from that 70's scifi movie!

Eventually someone actually offers him a role without him auditioning, and it's a bigger part, a side character but one with lines and even a semi decent arc in a b-list movie. he's a good fit. Charming and handsome, plus there are some intense scenes and on set Steve's proved himself capable of handling most things and supportive of coworkers (actors and crew alike.) Except there's a shirtless scene. While his scarring isn't extensive, it's definitely noticeable and not as easy to cover up as the faint discolouration around his neck. it's hard to explain, and usually movies want flawless skin. He tells them this. They still want him.

So he takes the role. And he has a blast on set. He loves working as a team, and even though days are long, he feels everything sort of...coming together. A feeling that this is what he wants to do. that he was right to get back into acting even though he started so young because of his parents.

He makes lasting friendships with nearly everyone he meets on the set. There's a few child actors, and he tries to give them tips and pointers, and be a role model or support for them. he knows what it's like to be little and surrounded by adults a lot of the time, and feeling pressure to be perfect. (They think he's actually the coolest, even if he's also kinda a doofus.) (there's probably a scene where he picks up on of the kids, and then the rest of them on set want piggy back rides too...)

It's considered his comeback role, despite being a few years after he actually came back. The pressures of fame come back again, but he's older now, and he's killed monsters. He has Robin beside him. A few paps don't scare him. Everything he has to hide (besides his bisexuality...and maybe his shitty relationship with his parents) is covered up by the government anyways. He gets bigger parts, and gets an even bigger rep for being a delightful (if viciously sarcastic) and supportive co-worker, especially if there's kids on set. (child stars of the nineties will look back on working with steve and think he was one of the few adults to get it. to understand how big your emotions are as a kid and how most grown ups [often even/especially their parents] didn't let them actually feel what the were feeling, instead wanting them to be acting all the time, instead of only in front of the camera. How he told them to never let anyone do anything they weren't comfortable with, no matter who it was. How he'd stick up for them, no matter what, and would ask how they were doing throughout shooting. They'll look back on being on set with Steve and remember how even if he called them little shits when they tried to prank him or were goofing off, he said it with a wink and a smile.)

I'd say, (please forgive me) he sort of becomes a (90's era) Tom Cruise kind of actor (before he went on oprah and went viral for jumping on the couch and then only did action movies after that) (also steve doesn't become the face of a cult) Like he does action flicks, but can definitely pull his weight as a dramatic actor. (I realize that I already have a movie star steve au but thats a different era I can have overlapping headcanons for the aus!!) His cute heart-shaped smile and amazing hair entrances audiences. He can make emphatic speeches about justice and also carry at least two children out of a burning building. He has range.

idk steve going from child actor to highschool athlete to monster killer to broke thespian to movie star again entices me!!!

[percheduphere]

How do you think Mobius will live his life in the timeline? Many theorize that something happens to Don and Mobius takes his identity so his sons live with a father. I prefer that Mobius reflects on his old life, realizes he can’t live it, and creates his own life.

Oh, boy, Anon. I have a lot of fanfic ideas for this, but let's get into the meta-analysis side of this before we get into the rabbit hole that is my washer-dryer machine of an imagination.

Mobius is not doing well. He is going through the stages of grief. I've written an extensive meta here regarding the darker aspects of his character and how he's at risk by the end of the series. I also wrote a brief meta here regarding how his grief might manifest.

With this in mind, I actively HATE the idea of Mobius spiraling to the point he becomes "corrupted". I don't what Michael Waldron did to Wanda. I guess you could make the argument that it would be interesting to see a man emotionally unravel in such a way, but I hold Mobius's unshakable kindness dear in my heart. I don't ever want him to lose it because it is essentially his superpower.

[Sidebar: comics canon House of M notwithstanding; Marvel and DC comics canon are consistently horrible in their characterization of exceptionally powerful women: Wanda Maximoff Jean Grey/Phoenix; Carol Danvers/then Ms. Marvel; Rogue; on and on; I'll throw Sylvie in here, too, because why not, it's true.]

I see Mobius mourning Loki for two years. Two years because, statistically, that is how long it takes for most people who've lost an intimate loved one to get out of clinical depression. During this period, I see him losing weight, wandering aimlessly between timelines, trying and failing to copy Don's life by taking a job that involves jet skis or aquatics more generally. B-15 would make a point to check-in on him and know he's not doing well, but Mobius, because he does not want anyone to worry about him, because he is used to being the person who keeps people together, insists he's fine.

MY FANFIC IDEA

I see Mobius eventually recognizing he needs a therapist, which he will find ironic and deeply troubling, but he's not about to give up on trying to live for Loki's sake.

And in his conversations with his therapist and B-15, Mobius will come to realize that he can still use his key strengths outside of the TVA: analyzing people, deconstructing what makes them tick, using that knowledge to help the other person, similar to a therapist but more active in support. Mobius is very well-suited to become a social worker of troubled and at-risk youth. I think he should pursue this and ...

Mobius will choose a branched timeline in the late 90s/early 2000s. There, he will meet a war-orphaned, thirteen year-old Wanda Maximoff, who is friendless and struggling to understand the nature of her powers (magic). Mobius is drawn to her right away. It takes time, but he eventually gains Wanda's trust.

Red. Red is Wanda's color. It's in her hair, her cheeks, her magic. Now that red reaches Wanda's eyes, filled with tears her anger stoppers. "You saw what I can do. What I did. The other kids call me a 'witch' 'cause that's what I am. A witch. A monster."

Mobius sits next to the young girl on the stoop. The sun winks at them through the green tree boughs, and he wonders, for a moment, what Loki might think of him now, finding solace in a child who needs solace.

"That's not true. You're not a monster, but I tell you what: witches are pretty cool." Mobius grins, knocking his knee against hers. The fabric of his slacks shakes, still too loose. "Y'know, my best friend has magic just like yours, except it's green instead of red."

Wanda peers at him, hopeful and dubious. "Really?"

"Yup. He had a tough time, too, being different." He leans closer to her, sharing a secret. "But things got better. You should've seen him. He was--is-- magnificent. You're magnificent."

Her lips purse into an embarrassed smile. She drops her head, thoughtful, and tucks her hands beneath the fold of her knees. "Where is he now? Do you still see him?"

The question is innocent, as all things are with a soul of thirteen. She doesn't mean to hurt him. Mobius knows this. So he takes the thorn of her words and presses it against his ribcage. His throat works. The ache comes and goes but never fully abates.

"Well," Mobius sighs. "He had to move on. Life is like that sometimes. People come and go. Things happen and ... there's not much you can do except hope they're okay. That they're happy and safe."

He can't look up. Not at the tree or the sun. He worries if he does, he'll start to cry, and that won't do when this girl who reminds him so much of his wily god has finally cracked a smile.

"C'mon," he says, rising to his feet. "Let's get you something to eat."

"McDonald's?" Wanda brightens.

Another thorn. He takes that one too and thinks of pretty roses.

"Whatever you want, kiddo."

[gffa]

What is trigun stampede even about

At its heart, Trigun Stampede about the conflict between love/pacifism and rage/retribution, set between two twin non-human brothers who love each other but diverge because of this conflict, even as they desperately want to pull the other back to them, with a mix of various other characters coming along for the ride. When future humanity creates a new type of lifeform called Plants, beings that are connected to a higher dimension's energy source which allows them to be used to create food/water/air/etc., humanity is not exactly great about this. Some people are kind and compassionate, some are horrifically abusive, uncaring of the hurt they're causing. The only two sentient Plants of the series are the twins--Millions Knives and Vash the Stampede--and when they discover what the humans are really doing, Knives crashes humanity's ships onto a desert planet with no resources, where they will truly die without the Plants to create food and water for them. Vash believes they can find a way to live together with the humans, he sees the best in them. Knives thinks they should all die for how they use Plants up until they die, for how they experiment on Plants, for how they attack anything that they're afraid of. (It's very much a "the villain really kind of has a point, but takes it way too far, but you can kind of understand how he got there, especially depending on how much pain Plants are capable of feeling, not that we know the answer to that" kind of set-up.) Their conflict (not that Vash wants a conflict, but Knives isn't going to stop stealing back all the Plants the humans have taken, killing anyone who gets in his way) plays out across the entirety of the desert world, with Vash basically unable to go anywhere without some kind of trouble coming down on his head (whether through his own Plant abilities being necessary, bad luck, or Knives stealing back a Plant) and this weighs on Vash's soul like a ton of bricks. Vash tries really hard to keep up the appearance of being the local sillyman, but babygirl has the biggest case of depression you've ever seen, because he can't stop people from being hurt, he can't stop his twin from hurting people, he can't stop all the conflict going on around him, he can't save everyone, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many pieces of himself he loses along the way. But neither can he just sit things out, because he's a Plant, he's stronger and faster and more powerful than any human, he has to at least try. Try to save them, try to reach his twin. What makes it all worse is that, underneath everything else, Knives is doing this for Vash. Oh, he's definitely not doing what Vash would want and I don't mean to make Knives sound soft or kind or nice, he's manipulative and awful, but I do genuinely believe that his motivation under all of it is to build a better world for Vash, one that doesn't have humans, one that only has Plants. It has some really beautiful animation, some great humor, some really excellent side characters, some badass fight scenes, some fascinating worldbuilding, but primarily I am here for the conflict between "we can live together" versus "the humans have and will continue to kill us if I don't do something" overlaid with how they both desperately want the other to come around to their side. Also, it's basically a Space Western with scifi elements and it's great.

[astroprompts]

✧ —𝐁𝐎𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 [𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝟸]

“Why do we even have saucers? We don't drink tea!”

“Do you have a thousand dollars? Because each minute I spend talking to you, that's how much money I'm wasting.”

“You're the only one in this building who isn't a total snooze-cooze.”

“No one watches this show to feel feelings. Life is depressing enough already!”

“All this time, I assumed there was more to me than everyone thought. But maybe there isn't.”

“I don't care if you are happy or not. You have a job to do.”

“Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.”

“You must think I'm a real monster.”

“You were born broken, that's your birthright.”

“Can't say I'll miss it, but we did have some crazy adventures together these last few weeks.”

“Sometimes you wanna go where no one knows your name.”

“Is that name supposed to mean something to me?”

“I want to do things with you. Fully clothed, sober, in daylight hours.”

“Look, you obviously really care about this girl and that scares you, so you sabotage yourself.”

“How about you just stop sulking and go win her back, dummy?”

“I'm cynical, and I'm possessive, and I can sometimes fly off the handle. I'm not always the best at being not terrible. But I want to be better, I'm trying to be better.”

“Why do I always do this? I push away everyone I care about.”

“No matter what, we're going to stick together.”

“I'm no good with funerals. When I cry, it messes up my makeup and then I get really bummed out.”

“Okay, you're clearly in one of your moods.”

“Why serve dates and not have a place to put the pits? You know, some people just have no class.”

“There's so much to hate about what you just said.”

“Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!”

“You know, maybe it's for the best we don't get together that often. We'd most likely drive each other mad.”

“No one knows how to get under your skin like family.”

“You wanna check out this cool new game I got?”

“I know there's no accounting for taste, but come on.”

“There is no shame in dying for nothing. That's why most people die.”

“Quick, jump out the window, shimmy down the drainpipe and wait in the car.”

“When you don't regret the tattoo in the morning, that's how you know it's love.”

“I guess I was just foolish enough to believe this dumb world still had a little spark of romance in it.”

“Look, what happened back there is not your fault.”

“If you wanna go for a walk in the woods at night, go crazy, but I'm not going anywhere.”

“Look, pal, I'll pay the bill, just-- Just let us get you to a damn hospital.”

“Um, do you wanna talk about what happened?”

“Any time someone tries to love you, you shove them away.”

“I was this badass overachiever that had these big plans to change the world.”

“So, now you're just gonna do whatever a teenage girl says?”

“I don't need you to like me. It would be fun if you liked me, because I'd prove my parents were wrong to never support me, because I earned the admiration of an authority figure, proving I have intrinsic worth, but it's not a big deal or anything. Jeez.”

“You know, sometimes I feel like my whole life is just a series of loosely-related wacky misadventures.”

“When you think something isn't about you, you find a way to save the day and realize that it was, all along, all about you.”

“Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself in an attempt to heighten sexual arousal?”

“So, noose-wise, what are we talking? You use a standard sailor's knot or more like your average birthday-present bow?”

“I don't know if I want your jack-off kit at my house.”

“This is the part of the movie where you get your heart broken. Where the world tests you, and people treat you like shit. But it has to happen this way. Otherwise, the end of the movie, when you get everything you want, won't feel as rewarding.”

“Jesus, why does cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party, it can bring along its dumb friend honeydew?”

“When we know what we know about a monster like that and we still put him on TV every week, we're teaching a generation of young boys and girls that a man's reputation is more important than the lives of the women he's ruined.”

“I don't understand why you can't be on my side about this.”

“I asked you, really nicely, not to make a big thing out of this.”

“Why does it suddenly matter what I want?”

“All I ever wanted was to be your friend.”

“Stop kidding yourself. If you really wanted the simple life, you'd have a simple life.”

“Love is an illusion, and happiness is fleeting, no such thing as God, and all your favorite musicians beat their wives.”

“Well, I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you, but that doesn't give you the right to be shitty to me.”

“I can't be around someone who's just fueled by bitterness and negativity.”

“You know, it's funny. When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”

“I wish I could just go home right now and crawl into bed and not have to talk about anything or explain anything.”

“I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was.”

“Hey, you wanna climb up on the water tower?”

“I'm really glad we left that stupid prom, but I'm kind of bummed we didn't get to dance.”

“Look, sometimes when you're an adult, the right thing isn't always the best thing.”

“You're the first grown-up I've ever met who actually treats me like... You know, a person.”

“I said so many things when I was young. I thought I was so deep.”

“It doesn't matter where you are, it's who you are.”

“So many times in my life I've done the wrong thing, but this is the right thing, and I have never been more sure of anything.”

“I've wasted so much time sitting on my hands and imagining what could have been.”

“If you are not out of my driveway in 30 minutes, I will call the police.”

“If you ever try to contact me or my family again, I will fucking kill you.”

“Wake up, captain dumbshit.”

“Now let's get out there and tell all those garbage rat bastard sons of bastards what we really think of them, once and for all.”

“If you're holding out for something better, well, I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna be alone for a long time.”

“Every day, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part.”

[hauntedwitch04]

Bday memories

Modern!Azriel x reader

Words: about 1.7k words

Warnings: sad sad sad, selfharm mentioned, death thoughts, fluffy couple, a little bit of innuendos of smut

Author's note: Hi! So this is the first for my series of oneshot for my birthday. I changed my plan and I'll plan the Steve Harrington one in honor of a lovely human that is born that day.

P.s this oneshot contains really personal thought and happenings. I don't know if you all are confortable with what I have written, but I kinda needed to get this out of my system. Please if you feel what I felt get someone to help you. I'm always here to listen if someone what someone to talk with :) You are not alone, remember it loves

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Bday plan

For your birthday, you never wanted anything more than to spend it with the people you love most, without going anywhere or doing anything special, yet you never really succeeded because eventually everyone you cared about would leave, leaving you alone.

You wake up in your boyfriend's bed, next to Azriel who, however, is still asleep, so you stop and look at him as you reflect.

Today is your birthday.

Usually your birthday is one of your favorite days of the year, not so much for the presents, but for the excuse precisely to be able to spend time with those you love, for no real actual reason, but rather to celebrate having gone another full circle around the sun.

Yet this birthday you feel it is different.

Last year, not on the very day of your birthday, but a few days later you had met up with what at the time was your best friend, or at least you thought she was, to celebrate your birthday, your 18th birthday, but the celebration had not gone as you expected.

Before leaving, after giving you the gift and a notebook with all the memories of your adventures together imprinted on it, she had given you a letter to read later, saying not to read it right away so as "not to spoil the mood." Immediately you had become suspicious, but had not given much weight to her words, wanting to enjoy that day with her.

In the evening, looking back at the sad and not very personal gift she had given you and wondering if really eight years of friendship was worth just that one gift on such an important day, remembering the personal and special gift you had prepared for her eighteenth birthday, you read that fatal letter.

At first you thought it would be tear-jerking, loving and sweet, as is usually the case among friendships that work, but this time you were surprised.

In this one she accused you of having changed into someone she did not recognize, into someone she did not have the pleasure of having near her because she no longer respected her tastes, and you felt as if pierced in the beginning by those words, and then turned that pain into anger, which, however, with the passage of time became sadness again.

At that moment, like a sword ready to cut the thread that kept you bound to reality, you felt like a horrible person, unable to love and unable to have friends.

Ever since you were a little girl you have been abandoned by every person you find, after a while, as if they get tired of you, and decide that you are the problem, when your only concern is that the other person is well and happy, but this time it seemed different, at least until a while before, where you had begun to sense that your friend was changing, into something different, something strange, and that between the two of you things were no longer going very well, but you didn't think it would ever come to that.

You had certainly changed a bit, but you thought you had done so for the better, as you saw yourself as more confident and happier, while she did nothing but talk about herself and think only of herself, overshadowing you and leaving you no room to grow.

His words hurt you so much that for months you were at your lowest, depressed so much that every night you cried on your pillow before falling asleep asking Mother not to leave you alone.

If it hadn't been for your friends, you don't even know if you would have moved on, or if you would have stopped doing the biggest shit of all that you had ever done.

After weeks of being in pain, and feeling cornered by life, alone in the grip of its fury, you had tried to make your pain go away by causing yourself some more pain, this time physical pain, cutting your wrists, not so much as to bleed profusely but enough to leave deep scratches that ached for days on end.

Fortunately, your other friends seeing your state did not leave you alone and made sure you got back on track to face what would be the worst school year of your life: your senior year of high school.

They have led you to believe that after all maybe you are not such a horrible person and that if they have done all this for you, there must be some good in you, however somehow this whole experience has led you to reevaluate that day that since childhood you love so much, and almost to fear it.

Then when you started college a few months ago, you met the first guy who really made your heart flutter like it was the first time: Azriel, an older guy who is in one of your classes, though, and after sitting next to each other for a couple of classes, he had asked you out, and you without a second thought said yes.

Now you find yourself here in his bed, ready to celebrate your big day, after being together only a month and a bit. Every day you wonder how lucky you were to meet him, and how much fate loves you for making him fall in love with you.

He is the guy everyone dreams about: handsome, smart, sensitive, funny and last but not least an absolute god in bed, yet he chose you and this is not possible to understand somehow.

You didn't even realize he woke up, too lost in your thoughts, until you felt his lips on your hands, clutching his shirt while your face rested on the pillow.

"Good morning baby." He says in a hoarse voice, and you almost have to hold back not to groan at hearing it.

"Good morning." You answer, trying to recover.

"What were you thinking about, before I interrupted you?" He asks curiously, as he wraps his mighty arms around you. Outside his bedroom door you hear the first movements of the morning, with Cassian, one of his roommates, leaving to go for his jog along the river.

"Well I was thinking a little bit about last year and all the things that happened to me during the year." You confess, without shame, having already opened your heart fully on that subject to Azriel a while ago, explaining to him the reason for certain faded scars on your arm.

He immediately becomes serious as he pulls your face up with one hand, making sure that you are now looking into each other's eyes.

"Love, the past is in the past and can no longer hurt you because you abandoned it at the bottom of the sea, it can never surface again." He says softly, while with his thumb he caresses your cheek, and with his mouth he leaves a trail of kisses all along your jaw. "And even if those memories surface now and then you instead of taking them as bad and evil omens, you remember that they became the launching pad for being the amazing person you are today." He continues, before leaving a sweet kiss on your lips.

You cry a little bit, unable to contain your emotions, and so you let all the emotions you were reliving before come out of you with those tears. Once you have calmed down he looks at you, trying to figure out how you were and you smile at him, so he kisses you again and hugs you tighter than before if possible. You feel the warm palms of his hands on your back, while his chin rests on your head, as if trying to absorb you into his own body.

"Happy complenno my little one." He whispers at the end, after a few minutes of pure silence. You smile and thank him with your voice still hoarse from crying.

"I know I promised to give you only one present, but we both know I can never fail to spoil you." He finally confesses, chuckling.

"Azriel! You promised me! Now I feel guilty!" You say, looking up and laughing in turn.

"How can you feel guilty if someone decides to give you a birthday present!" He asks shocked. "Besides, I couldn't decide, they were all perfect, so I got them all."

"Couldn't you keep them for Christmas, too?" You say with an obvious manner.

"Even by Christmas I already have at least five. "He confesses again in a low voice.

"You're kidding I hope!"

"I've already told you that I have to spoil you, you're my little girl and if it were up to me I would cover you with gifts every day."

"Which is not very different from what you do." You respond by sticking your tongue out at him. He responds by kissing you passionately, and pushing your body under his.

"Maybe I should give you your first present already." He says in a low, gravelly voice to your ear, before leaving a series of wet, warm kisses down your neck. "Which I believe will be repeated again tonight."

"Oh really?" You say trying to reason again, even as you begin to feel pleasure slowly cloud your senses.

"A guy has to make sure his girlfriend is well satisfied, especially on her birthday." He says chuckling, before returning to leave purple marks on your snow-white neck.

Too engrossed in your sinful activity you do not realize that Cassian has returned from his jog, until he throws open the door to the room.

"Happy birthday little one, how is it to be 19 years old-oh fuck is it possible you two are worse than rabbits?" Cassian comments, covering his eyes and walking out, not before adding. "When will you learn to close the door?"

"When will you learn to knock instead?" Azriel comments in return, covering your body with his so his friend can't see you. "Or better yet, when will you learn to mind your own business?"

"When you learn to keep your hands to yourself Azzy." Cassian replies, now in the distance.

"Well then I'd say we'd better learn how to close the door first." You comment this time.

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