#i don't even remember /when/ what it is happened but i sure am fundamentally still Angry at them about it

[lesenbyan]

Someone (a stranger) ever do something that annoys and pisses you off so much that even over a year later you refuse to rb anything with them on it even going so far as clicking the rb before them to rb a post?

[allyricas]

there's just something so delicious about friends-to enemies-to lovers

barely teenage steve and eddie who have a devastating end to what they both thought would be a forever friendship. maybe it's a misunderstanding or maybe it's just teenage angst that felt impossible to fix in the moment.

but i am feral over the idea that the only reason steve ever became 'king steve' strutting around with tommy and carol with his aloof, semi-mean girl attitude was because of the falling out with eddie. that he did it so he didn't feel so much hurt over it. still has no idea what he did to make eddie suddenly hate him.

same with eddie. he definitely liked metal and nerdy shit all along, but maybe he only leaned into the whole 'forced conformity, it's what's killing the kids' freak persona to guard himself. as armor. because he fucking misses steve as much as he hates him. so he glares and makes snarky comments. finds his solace in DnD and his band.

they fight with words and shoulder shoves in the hallway. each of them too proud to ever talk it out and fix things. to the point that their peers don't remember that steve and eddie used to be inseparable. everyone but steve and eddie forget the obvious affection and closeness they once shared.

it takes a bunch of freshmen to put them back into each other's orbit.

it takes the upside down, a dead cheerleader and an evil wizard for them to actually get along again.

because steve is meant to hate eddie but the moment he sees the trailer and hears the word 'murder' he feels like he might throw up.

Please, god, not eddie.

only to find out he supposedly murdered chrissy cunningham. despite all the animosity between the two of them, steve knows in his soul that eddie would never kill anyone.

even when he's against a wall with sharp glass pressed to his neck, heart racing as he looks into the eyes he tries not to think about, steve knows that eddie won't actually hurt him.

steve has the urge to stay with eddie at the lake house and make sure nothing else happens to him. instead, he stops forcing himself to be an asshole towards eddie. it's exhausting and he's never truly meant it anyways. the upside-down shit is threatening the one person he hoped would never be a part of it.

it takes eddie watching steve get pulled under lover's lake and attacked by demon bats to realize that the biggest misunderstanding was of his own thirteen year old self's feelings. that he could've lost steve and he'd have never even told him the truth of why he let their friendship implode over such a ridiculous misunderstanding.

that he wanted more than friendship and that scared the hell out of him at thirteen.

he sees steve bleeding and throwing himself into danger over and over. realizes that yeah, steve harrington is a good guy. his own personal munson doctrine is fundamentally flawed and untrustworthy and he's in love with this stupidly brave man, maybe since forever.

make him pay means i'm sorry, i love you, please be safe, come back.

it takes eddie nearly dying and his steve carrying him out of hell for eddie to realize that steve never hated him either. that what eddie always views as aloofness and superiority was hurt and steve trying to deal. regardless of whatever lays in the past, steve holds him together with his hands and begs eddie to stay. whispers that he loves him, always has loved him, always will love him.

eddie thinks about all the years they lost due to teenage angst and fear. fights to keep his eyes open and stay, because steve his sobbing and begging him not to go.

and when eddie finally wakes up in the hospital, it's steve and uncle wayne next to him. steve won't leave his side, maybe ever again. neither of them with any desire to ever look at each other with anything but love.

[cursedvibes]

Am I wrong to think that Jin wouldn’t resent Sukuna, even when he’s the vanishing half that got absorbed by the surviving twin?

We still know so little about him, but he doesn’t seem to be the type to care about something that happened in the womb a thousand years ago. Not because he’s particularly forgiving, I just don’t think he would hold a grudge.

But that still makes me wonder how I should interpret his relationship with Kenjaku after this reveal, how exactly being eaten in the womb affected his soul and how it impacts his current life and how that led to him engaging with Kenjaku.

And also, the reveal make me rethink his whole relationship with Wakuse, too. He seemed dismissive of his father while holding Yuji and I thought it was just because he brought up Kenjaku, but maybe he was just always like that with his father?

Sukuna, too. I like potential dynamic of the twins being opposites, with Jin being the ice to Sukuna’s fire, aka Jin being calm and collected but still fundamentally fucked up while Sukuna is outwardly sadistic and inclined to gratuitous cruelty and violence. Does that make sense?? I’m not sure if they would hate each other or get along, if they were to somehow meet now or if it were in a universe where they were both born.

He’s just such an interesting and mysterious character, I’m afraid we’re going to end this series without learning much about him.

Hm, it might be that Jin doesn't hold any particular bad feelings towards Sukuna, but then why would he ominously bring up how well babies remember their early life and you should therefore not expose them to anything bad? I think there must be some...discomfort at least around that topic, his past and Sukuna absorbing his body and thereby taking the life he could've lived. I don't think he doesn't care at all. It's probably not as straightforward as wanting revenge or something, but with the hints we've been given so far, I think Jin is certainly not happy about what he does remember. Also, if he was somewhat aware of Kenjaku's plans or at least knew what Yuuji was supposed to become and maybe witnessed/helped seal the first finger inside him, he must want some form of payback for Sukuna. Maybe just put him a bit in his place, make him feel what he felt. Doesn't necessarily have to be out of pure hate. Because Yuuji's existence, him being Jin's child (aka having some of his essence inside him) and the sealing of Sukuna's finger inside him would inevitably lead to Sukuna at least getting trapped, if not also beaten up and put in life-threatening situations. Maybe Jin didn't know about that or like you said he merely contributed to that by not stopping it due to disinterest, but personally, I think it would be interesting if he got some sort of satisfaction out of creating a cage for Sukuna like Sukuna used to be for him.

That would also make his relationship with Kenjaku more personal. He's aware of what's happening, they work towards a shared goal (even if I don't think Jin would want to take things quite as far as Kenjaku did or it wasn't a major interest of his) and Kenjaku might've been the one to awake his memories in the first place or give him context for what he remembered before.

Like you mentioned with Wasuke, I think his relationship with Jin wasn't always great. Might've also to do with the death/divorce of his mother, but Wasuke never quite managed to connect with his son, there was always a distance between them. If Jin didn't remember everything at first, he still might've felt displaced, like he was missing something or maybe he had some issues about his body due to the buried feeling of being absorbed by another. It is a neat coincidence that he ended up marrying a woman whose special ability is putting space between two objects and repelling them. Pretty much the opposite of what Jin experienced in his past life. Kenjaku might've then come in and explained all those strange feelings to him and uncovered the buried memories from the Heian era like they did with Shiro. That special connection and understanding between them must've driven Wasuke even further away because now Kenjaku and Jin share something he has no access to and couldn't provide Jin himself.

Also this goes into fanfiction territory, but I've been playing with the thought of Jin having a particular attachment to Kenjaku because they were the first person to see him as himself. Back when Kenjaku divided Sukuna's soul into 20 cursed objects, they might've found the twin's soul as well, it could be what set the soul free in the first place and there they were the first person to really acknowledge the twin and look at him alone when everyone else always just saw Sukuna. Well, this assumes the twin still had some sort of consciousness after being absorbed and that his soul didn't move on earlier. I just thought this would be a nice touch for Jin and Kenjaku's relationship.

The recent cliffhanger of ch 264 has made me somewhat hopeful for flashbacks. It would be very fitting depending on what Yuuji and Sukuna talk about and it might also include info on Jin, his motives and how involved he was in Yuuji's life in the past. Or Sukuna talking more about the twin he absorbed. Hope I'm not being too naive, but I could see something of the sort coming up soon. I mean, when would there be a better opportunity than when Yuuji and Sukuna are on their own. Unfortunate that we can't hear Kenjaku's POV on this and their time with the Itadori family, but I'll take what I can get.

[lazyyogi]

Any meditation advice for someone with a very busy mind who gets distracted easily and sometimes forgets that she's supposed to be meditating?

Sure thing!

You are not by any means alone in this difficulty. When 99.999% of people sit to meditate, the mind goes all over the place. It was like that for me as well.

So for anyone who happens to be scrolling by, let's give this post a nice clickbaity title:

New To Meditation? Learn The Surprising Truth About Distracted Thoughts During Your Session

Let's assume you are practicing the technique that I like to recommend, called jangama dhyana. If you are practicing some other technique, that is okay too and this will still apply.

When you sit to meditate, you have made an agreement with yourself. For the duration of the session, the only thing that matters is the technique. So for the next 5, 15, or 60 minutes, the only thing you need to bother yourself about is the technique.

So you sit down in a comfortable posture, remove any eyeglasses you might be wearing, perhaps dim the lights a little, close your eyes, and then gently rest your gaze and attention on the space between and slightly above your eyes. That is the technique.

But then you get distracted. A thought pops up and you have a thought or reaction to that thought, which then carries you down a train of many thoughts. While you had sat down with the clear intention to practice a technique, now you have totally forgotten all about it. And if you get really lost in thought, you may even forget that you are sitting in a room practicing meditation. You may feel you are somewhere else entirely.

This is actually very much the way the illusion works. Due to the movements of the mind, reality is obscured and forgotten.

But then something happens and you remember that you are practicing meditation. Good! That moment of remembrance is the momentary disruption of the illusion. And it is a fundamental part of the process of meditation.

When this happens, however, you may feel kind of shitty about it. You may feel like you aren't doing what you're supposed to, or that you're failing at being a good meditator. Again, this is not true; this is simply part of the process. Such negative thoughts may also cause you to feel frustrated or upset.

The only thing you can do in that moment when you realize you fell down a train of thought is to take a breath and focus your attention again on the meditation technique, bringing your attention back to that space between your eyes. That refocusing of your attention back on the technique is also another part of the meditation practice.

First, you disrupt the illusion by snapping out of your train of thought. Next, you return to the practice by refocusing your attention.

When you do this, you are overcoming your mental restlessness and constant chatter. You are practicing patience and persistence.

Patience means you are not rushing to judge yourself or the meditation, you are giving them both time to develop. And persistence means you simply return to the technique. You don't try to adjust or change it. (Side note: stick with a single meditation technique for a month or so before deciding to try a new one.)

The only way to actually fail meditation practice is to say fuck it, get up, and never meditate again. But if you show up, sit down, and dedicate time for it every day, there will be changes and there will be progress. This is not only taught by countless gurus, saints, and siddhas throughout history but it is also validated by modern day science (on which I am happy to elaborate in a separate post.)

So, to recap, you sit to meditate and rest your attention on the space between your eyes. You get distracted and lost in thought. You recognize you are lost in thought and in doing so have once more become present. And you go back to resting your attention on the space between your eyes. Until...

You get lost in thought again. And again you recognize this and again you bring your attention back to the focus of the meditation.

For now, this may be what you meditation practice looks like. And guess what? That is authentic meditation practice. What you are doing is repeatedly shattering the mind's restlessness. It is a common initial hurdle for most meditation practitioners.

If you persist in practice, you will notice two things. The first is that you will start to realize sooner and sooner when you have gotten lost in thought. The second is that your mind will stop wandering off as often and you will find it easier to come back and to stay with the technique, to simply stay with resting your gaze and attention between your eyes. You will find that being able to do so doesn't require you to clench and force your attention, rather you are more relaxed and alert and your mind is simply less agitated.

When you get to the point in which you spend more time with the technique than you spend with distracted thoughts, you will notice another thing: there is a difference between actively thinking and thoughts just popping up.

When you can simply sit and rest your attention on the space between your eyes, you are not deliberately or actively thinking about anything. But random thoughts will still pop up.

Previously what would happen is that a random thought would pop up and you would immediately start thinking about it and then get lost in thoughts. What you will have discovered at this point is that you have conscious control over what you do and do not actively think about.

However, what you do not have conscious control over is what thoughts just pop up. That has more to do with your subconscious mind. At this point, the metaphor of a ceiling fan becomes relevant.

When you turn off a ceiling fan, the fan keeps spinning for a while. In time, it will come to a stop on its own. When you can sit with the technique and refrain from actively thinking, it is like turning off the ceiling fan. The thoughts that pop up randomly, however, are like the fan that is still spinning.

There is nothing more you need to do about those thoughts popping up. They will go the same way in which they arrived, they will disappear the same way in which they appeared. And with time (and with longer meditation sessions), you will start to experience stretches of time in which no thoughts arise at all. That's when things get really interesting.

I'll leave it there for now. However, one last thing worth mentioning is that even before you get to that point, you will start to have real benefits from meditation practice. Even when you're at the very beginning, you will find yourself feeling different in your daily life. A little less anxious, a little more present and engaged, a little more insightful and creative, a little more kind, a little more patient, and sometimes weirdly content. You will feel more natural, at ease within yourself.

So, keep at it!

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." ~ Confucius

Much love,

LY

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

tw ABA and abuse and examples of abuse through ABA (sort of detail describe)

.

i forget people don't know same thing i do. so if you only know ABA as "suppress stimming force mask force eye contact reward-punishment" (which, historically has been like that and even currently many place like that) (abbreviate below as "abusive ABA" "abusive methods/practices" "bad"), then of course you disagree when i say "ABA can be abusive but some survivors say it help reduce self harm stim and help learn ADLs" because would think i support they teach through abuse. which i very much don't.

(it relevant when i say "i have theory of mind trouble so i forget people don't know same thing i know" because i know people who try reform ABA to be trauma informed (whether it can truly be reformed because of its fundamental history, another topic), who call out abusive pratices. but i forget there are people who don't know these people exist. so whatever i say of course don't make sense to them.)

what i mean?

let look at self-injurious stimming during meltdowns. (stimming neutral but self injurious harm self)

one ABA therapist purposely trigger meltdown to "shape behavior." ❌bad. abusive. why you want purpose cause distress to manipulate behavior?

one ABA therapist think all stim bad, even ones who don't harm self. for example hand flap and pace when really upset need regulate and not disturbing anyone. instead want replace by "quiet hands" and sit still at desk.❌bad. abusive. they obviously not causing harm, they self-regulating. it working for them. this therapist don't actually care about distress, only care about mask emotion and behave "appropriately in normal way."

one ABA therapist respond with ignore because believe "if i acknowledge then i give them attention and will make them want do behavior more will act as reinforcement." ❌bad. abusive. ignore people geuinely distress will not make issue go away. will only maybe teach them "it not okay to feel emotion" so hide so mask. and "if i upset then no one will help no one care."

one ABA therapist think. okay to be upset but hurt self can be dangerous (ok we on right track...). so i am going to prevent them from self injury. but give nothing in replacement. just make them stop. ❌still no! mind may be on right path but still no!! even though self injury harm self, it act as coping skill and help regulate. they do it for reason. cannot just take away coping tool (even if very harm self) and not replace with something less harmful!!! you just leave empty void. not helping!! may cause escalate.

one ABA therapist also think it okay to be upset. it okay to show upset. but hurt self dangerous. then they think more. why is doing this behavior? why self-injurious? why cause? can we remove cause altogether? have we ignored previous protest & try to get out? can we teach communicate so can tell others upset before it get to meldtwon? can we teach them to take break before it get bad? then they think. what is less harmful behavior we can slowly teach to replace, a better coping skill? and they listen to person's body language and behavior to make sure not force. ✅ many ways to go wrong, but if careful and self reflect frequently. can be helpful. need to center the person at all time. need remember behavior often don't happen alone. get rid of behavior don't get rid of problems.

let look at what is typically called "avoid task."

one ABA therapist think. they're doing it because previously they tantrum and have gotten out of task, so they do it again (and think it their fault instead of parent or therapist fault who teach that). they do it to make my life hard. they do it because they brat. so they punish. they take away things they like and maybe even need (like comfort object, food, snack, AAC, etc). maybe even tie them down, restraint in chair, cannot physically leave. ❌no! very abusive!!

one ABA therapist think. oh need reward them for stay on task. give sticker chart.❌still no! still abusive! even though "reward" with "preferred item," still only look at behavior and not why they may not want do task. still teach must behave good to earn happy and love and affection and have needs met. this is still compliance. and then one day person had enough and meltdown, suddenly everyone will say "where did that come from!! came from nowhere!! must be problem child" but ignore every previous way to communicate no.

one ABA therapist think. is this task appropriate? is it because too hard can't understand? is it because more fundamental need not met like hungry? is it because have not moved enough, jump run etc? maybe they just have bad day? if it task that truly don't serve purpose, then no need to even tell them do it in first place. but if task that can't be avoided (because in life can't avoid everything), then are there other ways to respect them want take break while make sure task get done? are there alternative activities that we can give them while they take break until they ready to come back? (a good video about alternative) ✅this is respecting autonomy and respect feeling and emotion of person. this is about help not comply. (another video)

people who practice the good example and bad example all call it ABA. and while the good example we start to see more and more happen, unfortunately so many places still practice bad example (especially if like rural and low income and behind on research update). or they claim to be good but still have not fully unlearned bad example, or they claim to be good but still do bad because they use "neurodiversity affirming" as buzzword. it all very nuanced. but all exist.

found this person explain helpful. of course have not watched every single video of hers so not sure if agree with all but say many good things

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

THEORY TIME: KENG IS DEAD AND H(A)UNTING

So: this week's episode was a big load of

But, in the famous words of MCR: we all carry on~~

Jin saw Keng in the temple, right? We all remember that. But Phee did NOT (or so he claims). And that's not because Phee didn't know him, because he absolutely did. So what does that mean?

For once, I am a "there's a paranormal something going on in here" so Imma get right on and say that is a ghost. And they're being haunted. So why would the ghost not appear to Phee?

Well, we ALL (enphasizing this for the people claiming Non is a cheater and fundamentally misunderstanding power dynamics and minor abuse) know Keng gets to abuse Non because he's extremely vulnerable. Phee, by removing himself from the equation, and thus taking away the only voice of reason Non actually made an effort to try and listen to, he's making him all the more vulnerable. Hence, enabling Keng's abuse even further. So, seemingly, from what we know until now, Keng has no reason to dislike Phee.

On the other hand, Jin recorded him and Non (even if he did not publish it and it was Tee [as some speculate due to the accusation that Fluke makes back in the present] or someone else). That was an act against him. (and we can all hate him for it, after all, he was an asshole for doing it, but the truth is that boy was living in his BL bubble and his entire world fucking shattered in that moment and I can't think that must be easy)

If we take that, we can justify Jin's guilt in the present and how he's always going on about "being a coward" and "dead weight". But also possibly speculate about his guilt in the past.

If you did nothing to help when he was bullied and then recorded your friend (and crush) in that kind of situation, wouldn't you feel guilty?? And if you knew Non was dating Phee and they broke up because of that asshole Keng, wouldn't you be raging and boiling?? I would.

Honestly, I think we can consider murder here, tbh. So much cowardice is returned in bravery the day Jin loses his goddamn mind and kills Keng to try and defend Non. Obviously though, if that happened, we can assume it went wrong (they couldn't hide the body, Non was framed for the murder, Jin ran away and left him to take the blame, Non ended up killing himself because he was attached to his groomer whom he now saw as his lifeline, etc... idk, there's a number of possibilities). Point is: Keng is probably dead, in my opinion. And he's on the h(a)unt.

This would also explain the hand on Tee during ep.1: Keng is a known perv. He's fucking weird. Sure, he seems to be more of a pedo and all, but young adults (as they are in the present) are still considerably younger than he would be. Plus, they were his students and I feel like that matters to him as well (because again: fucking creep).

So what about Non?

Tbh, I don't know. He could be alive (as the killer or not), he could be institutionalized (as @fracturediron suggests in this post), he could be dead... Idk. We'll have to wait and see what this bs happening to him all leads to. Idk. I seriously don't know. It's a mystery to me and if y'all are more capable than me, pls go ahead and speculate, bc I can't.

Either way: great episode this week. Can't wait to see where this series is going.

[winguontheweb]

Long, ranty/venty post ahead

god I'm really frustrated as of late

I've known and dealt with tendonitis and RSI on and off (mostly on) since 2020. Also a few times like earlier this year and sometime last year, I threatened carpal tunnel, even. I felt the tingling in my fingertips. It's frustrating when I am often at the height of my passion and drive to have to cut it short by resting and care and avoiding drawing or anything intensive for about as long as I was drawing passionately.

I keep wanting so bad to jump right back into stuff but it just keeps happening, and it gets worse if I'm too impatient. So I just have to sit here spinning my wheels, dealing with the fact I NEVER stop thinking of ideas to draw. I literally cannot stop thinking of awesome fucking pictures I want to draw. It's a constant flow of creativity.

But like. The thing is... I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I mean sure, my posture might not be perfect, I might not have all the right ergonomics and equipment, but, I feel like for the most part, I can't deduce the thing that I'm doing wrong, other than... drawing.

I don't viciously slouch while drawing - like I said, my posture's not perfect, but it's good enough I think

I take breaks, especially if like, dinner gets ready while I'm drawing, I try to take opportunities to stretch my wrist and hands. I'm bad at remembering to do the whole routines people have given me/I've seen online, but I still try my best to get some in.

I'm not like, crimping my wrist on anything, my tablet's flat on my desk, and I feel decently good about how my hand position is on it.

I do own a wrist brace, but, honestly, I often feel WORSE after drawing with it, and I get conflicting opinions online as to whether or not I should wear it while drawing, or if I should avoid wearing it while drawing.

I get plenty of water

I don't grip the pen with a ton of pressure, I even specifically have CSP's pen pressure altered to better advantage me using less pen pressure

When I'm feeling soreness, pain, etc. in my hand, I'll either ice or heat it using the packs we have in the house.

and other stuff I forgot

like... with all of this, all this I have in mind, and from talking to others about it, I feel like I've come to the conclusion that I'm literally not doing anything wrong. So like, I guess it could be from overuse, something that I'd be more prepared to accept...

...if I didn't literally have friends who, multiple times per week, have multi-hour sessions of drawing straight with minimal breaks (and also just drawing all the time outside of those sessions too), have been doing those for months or years, and have told me they experience NO HAND PAIN. And apparently have never felt it.

Like, I'm sorry, I want to not sound like I'm viciously jealous of my friends, but also, how the fuck? How? How??? How do they get to draw multiple hours in a row with minimal breaks like it's some whatever thing they always do, and I get fucking punished for doing my most passionate hobby?? Like, that's what it feels like to me, especially when I compare myself to others who do exactly the level of drawing I want to do. It feels like I'm being punished for no reason other than wanting to do the thing that makes me happy. I'm excited for friends who are capable but it just makes me look at myself and wonder what the fuck I'm doing wrong.

What's different about me?

I've been told I'm not doing anything wrong, but clearly there's something different!! And I have no clue what it is! Other than something fundamental to my body and nobody else's - something genetic? Like, I do have a family with arthritis, my dad has osteoarthritis specifically. But even if I inherited it, surely I've not worn-and-torn my wrist down to developing it at 22 fucking years of age. Especially since I've been trying to practice good wrist health management as best I can ever since I learned about tendonitis??

Like I'm also not that strong. My skinny-ass arms are the main point of my body I feel dysphoric about because they just look so disproportionate from the rest of my body and it leaves me with so little in the way of upper body strength. But I wanted to get better, lift weights, work towards making my arms BIGGER. But earlier this year I had to take a BREAK because too much weight lifting every day/every other day, and push-ups, and all that shit, my arms and wrist were hurting, threatening carpal tunnel.

Ever since then I haven't been able to get back into the swing and so the rare times I find myself trying to lift a 3 pound weight with my wrist, my wrist is sore and feeling even worse for like 2 days straight.

It just feels so fucking unfair. My issues aren't always pain, it doesn't always prevent me from just living my day-to-day life. Often it's soreness, discomfort, hotness in my fingers and wrist, but not pain. The pain I've had in my fingers is rare and typically a point I know when to stop. But it's never been enough that I feel like I'd get taken seriously at physical therapy, especially when everyone else going to PT is trying to actually regain mobility. Or it'll get better by the time I get a PT appointment and I'll awkwardly not know what to say. I went to PT once for a free consultation and basically just got a slip of stretches they told me to do. I did those daily for a while, fell out of the habit, but I never felt like it actually particularly helped prevent the hand pain/soreness.

It just... I'm so tired. I'm so tired and frustrated of this happening every single month at this point, confronting the mortality and precarious situation of my drawing hand. I don't know what I'd do in life without art. I don't know if I can continue forever into old age with a mind that's pushing so far ahead of my body. I need a way for my body to catch up. But it just doesn't seem feasible because it feels like I was just inherently dealt a hand where I can't.

I guess, if anyone has any advice, please let me know. This has been the most comprehensive description of my wrist issues I've ever made and I just want to be vulnerable and openly frustrated for a bit. I know others deal with chronic pain that's debilitating and I sympathize very much. But I guess from my perspective I just don't know what to do. I don't want to wreck my wrist and have to quit drawing by 25.

[silverskye13]

I don't remember if you ever explained this or not, but what's up with Tanguish saying he is killing Tango? I am guessing it is something to do with the skulk?

I know I've talked about it before, but it's probably been scattered across a lot of different shortfics [and talked a little bit in chapter 2&4 of the whole Redstone and Skulk fic in a somewhat blink-and-you'll-miss-it way].

I'm going to go ahead and lay the concept out in full, but like, warning: spoilers for all of the helsmit fics and shorts [Wels/Hels, Tango/Tanguish, and Ren/TheRedKing]

So in my little set of universe, helsmits au... Stuff... Basically the universe doesn't like that the hermits make helsmits.

Helsmits are made when hermits start to face a dark side of themselves, an inconvenient truth, or a dichotomy they don't like. For Wels/Hels, it's their idea of knighthood. Wels is the idealized white knight, Hels is the gritty, holding to your tenents even if it means killing people knight. They are a clash of ideals, and by definition both think the other is Being A Knight Wrong. Together they encapsulate the idea of "Sometimes to do good, very evil things are justified in the process."

For Tango/Tanguish, it's toxic codependence. It's being alone because you're sure of yourself/a little introverted vs being alone because you're self-isolating/filled with social anxiety to the point it's hurting your friendships. Together they encapsulate the idea that you can genuinely care a lot about someone and still be toxic, and that care and toxicity can be mutual. Humans weren't made to live in tiny 2 person isolated groups. We can, but there's a lot of angry psychology that tends to happen when we do.

[Ren and Red are a bit fuzzier. I never really hammered them out. Mostly it's Red thinks Ren is a coward for handling 3rd life the way he did, and Ren thinks Red is just a scary jerk. Something something appreciating the life you're given, something something remember your mortality something something friends make our short lives worth it. It was very hazy and existential I was coping with things when I was outlining those]

What happens when the hermits face these issues is, eventually they get past them. And since the hermit was there first, that generally [9 times out of 10] means the hermit grows as a person and moves on, and helsmit stops existing. It's like a physical incarnation of the "growing and changing through the plot" thing that happens during most character arcs. I wrote a short [Voices of Hels? I think it was called? Something like that] where Cub talks about absorbing his hels version and that's why his skin changed from old man to young dude. I used to have a list? Of hermits that didn't have hels versions anymore? I think Zedaph and Doc were on that list. And Gem. I need to find that list again. [In my funny little world I also justify Xisuma having so many helsmits (Evil X and Evil Beezuma for example) because he basically runs from his issues for so long he fundamentally changes as a person, and this he makes a new helsmit wholecloth once the previous issue no longer applies. I also feel like there are probably circumstances where a helsmet can disappear and then reappear later in life when someone faces an old or similar problem again. (Well well well if it isn't the consequences of my actions back again-- [gets tackled by my evil clone]).

For Wels/Hels, Helsknight has pretty solidly accepted his fate is to disappear into Welsknight at some point. His biggest goal until that happens is to, basically, make Welsknight strong enough to actually do good in the world. It's not an altruistic thing. He things Welsknight is weak, is a bad knight, and represents the kind of slothfulness that happens when you live a relatively carefree life. He makes Wels miserable on purpose, because he thinks that's the only way it'll make him stronger. And if Welsknight is strong enough to do good in the world, then hey, Helsknight can disappear into the aether knowing he didn't die for nothing [I feel like you kinda have to have a martyr complex on some level to be a good knight, RIP all the knight characters I've ever written].

For Tango and Tanguish though, Tango isn't trying to be a better person. He's not trying to get over his codependency and social anxiety to reconnect with his friends. He's feeding into is isolation bad habits, and in so doing, is feeding into Tanguish. If he keeps going at the rate he's going, someday Tango will collapse and stop existing, and Tanguish will be the only one left standing. Tanguish doesn't want this [he is just as codependent on Tango as his hermit is on him] and he's also starting to figure out he doesn't like the self-feeding cycle of never having contact outside of each other. He's decided he's going to break their cycle by forcing Tango [and also himself] to branch out.

In Chapter 4 of the Redstone and Sculk series, where Tanguish corners Helsknight to ask him for help, and Helsknight says stuff about "how rare it is that one of us wins", that's what he's talking about. Tanguish could be the last man standing and he's actively choosing not to. Helsknight, who doesn't think it's physically possible for him to win against Wels, thinks it's really, really stupid that Tanguish would just give something like that up.

So! Yeah! Hope? That answers everything? Clears things up? Most of this was supposed to come out either:

A) In the next couple chapters of Redstone and Sculk

B) When I finally got around to writing that Wels/Hels body swap fic I started writing and then stopped writing because MSH is my baby right now and I can't focus on two things at once

[positivelybeastly]

As much as I'm glad Hank back to being a good guy, personally I'm still not thrilled with the decision. For one it just reads as damage control over Hank's characterization over the years, two it comes at the cost of a decent chunk of his history, and three ig feels to little too late. And it probably wouldn't have come to this if they had an actually good writer on x-force.

"I'm - not quite certain I am a good guy, now. I had always thought that a certainty, that no matter where I was, no matter what I was asked to do, that I would eventually make the right decision. But now? Now I'm, not so sure."

I mean, I've not been thrilled with almost any choice wrt Hank's characterisation and story for the past 10-11 years, so when this possibility popped up, I was like, yeah, that's about the worst way to damage control it. In the end, I'm going to accept it because at least this way I don't have to go into the X-Men Reddit and see people screaming about how Beast is the worst anymore, or panels posted of the latest X-Force travesty, but it's not how I would have done it.

I especially sympathise with the loss of so much history. He loses X-Factor, he loses 90s X-Men, he loses X-Treme X-Men, he loses New X-Men, he loses Astonishing X-Men, he loses S.W.O.R.D, he loses Uncanny Avengers, etc, etc. Yeah, we cut loose all the necrotic garbage that is All-New, X-Force, etc, but . . .

Feline Hank is the Hank I fell in love with, and this Hank is fundamentally not that man. He doesn't know what that Hank went through. He doesn't remember a word of it. If he sees Abigail Brand, he won't blink twice. If he sees Emma Frost, he just thinks, Hellfire Club. If he sees Broo, he'll just think, aaah, Brood! And that just.

Sucks.

I hope, even now, that there's a chance for him to get old Beast's memories. It would hurt him, deeply, to know what he's done, but it would make him whole again, and give him new perspective that would make his journey going forward self-motivated, rather than just at the end of a sharp stick wielded by other people.

But.

Even if that doesn't happen under Percy, there's always a chance it can happen under another writer. There can always be an arc of Beast trying to get his old memories back, dealing with X-Men trying to stop him (either out of fear of him or for him), there can always be a The Crossing style fix like there was for Tony Stark.

All it takes is one good writer, honestly. All it takes is for someone to pick him up, shake off the dust, and put some shine on him. Because do you know how good it felt to open up that comic book, and see him say 'oh my stars and garters' again? To see him chatty, and hanging off ceilings, and being just fucking cute? The idea of getting that, for multiple issues going forward, is just - it's goddamn catnip, man.

Yeah, it's too little too late. Yeah, this is the worst way it could have been done. Yeah, this could have been avoided, were it not for Ben Percy sucking eggs. Yeah, it reads as damage control.

But at the end of the day, Hank is in a better place today than he was yesterday. And so long as he's going up, then I'll take it.

In fact, let me talk to you about something.

Are you familiar with the Japanese practice of kintsugi? From Wikipedia:

"Kintsugi, also known as kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with urushi lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.

As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise."

Comic book characters do not belong to us. That is, unfortunately, the truth of them. They belong to massive media corporations who treat them not as valued parts of a story, but a licence to print money. They belong, momentarily, to writers, who treat them not as beloved icons, but as tools within a story. They belong to the fandom, but only in a fleeting, ephemeral, transformative state.

Comic book characters get broken all the time. But by the same token, all it takes is for the right writer to come along and fix them. You can allow yourself to get bogged down in the history, in the injustice, in the poor writing decisions, or you can allow yourself to see a beautiful pot inlaid with gold, with silver, with platinum.

Beast is on the road to recovery. It's in the shittiest way possible, the pot is broken and we're missing a few pieces, but we can always find them again and add them back in.

And who knows? Someone amazing might come along and use this to tell the single best Beast story ever told.

X-Force could have been that story - I've talked at length about how this could have been a Greek tragedy, a reflection on a life ruined by throwing one's self at the world's problems and being struck down for caring too much, but it isn't. It's a spy thriller with a Bond villain. But it could have been. There's almost no such thing as a bad story (unless you're Chuck Austen), just bad execution. X-Force was bad for Beast. Okay.

But what if the next story is the best one he's ever had?

And I'm gonna leave you with this. You know how you should never read the comments? Well.

"I do admit i missed him, tho."

"Oh shit! I was JOKING that they'd bring back Stars-And-Garters Beast to beat modern beast! HELL YEAH"

"I'm honestly happy they are. I'm so tired of the "Beast is a bad guy" storyline."

"I'm so glad Happy-Go-Lucky, child-like wonder Hank is back! It's why he's one of my top 5 X-Men."

"This is the Beast we kmew. It's nice to have him back for now. As expected. Him crying at the end over all the files present Beast has written, shows that this is the old beast, from way back then."

"Yaaay non-genocidal maniac Beast is back."

"Welcome back, real Beast."

When was the last time you saw so many random strangers on the internet be happy about Beast, man? Celebrate this. The 5 years are almost over.

Well. Unless things go horribly wrong in the next two issues.

Knock on wood.

[medicallymercury]

Take the Strain (03/02/24)

Melty brain week. Staying on top of my reading but at what cost?

This episode review ended up incredibly unbalanced with three paragraphs about the same topic and then I ran out of energy by the time I got to the rest of it. Normally, I'd try and give myself some time to try to balance it out but I really don't feel like for this episode.

I’m just going to unpack all of my Teddy Thoughts at the start.

An even more frustrating episode than I bargained for because there were actually some things I liked. Just, separated entirely from their context. Things I liked: Jan. Jan's so underrated. I am so desperate for them to actually continue from Switzerland that I will take anything at this point and I did really like that it felt like Teddy still wants/appreciates Jan’s approval, even now. Very Character of him. Extremely Character. In my head, Teddy has never and will never get over needing Jan’s approval and that’s just emblematic of the deeper issues going on with him. Those moments were good. I just don’t think Jan being upset at Teddy had to come from her noticing the Jodie stuff, he was already up to objectionable stuff without that. 

Similarly, I thought Teddy and Paige’s conversation in the lift had potential. The big problem I have with how this relationship has ended is that it feels like the writers are somehow convinced that they're breaking up because Teddy and Jodie happened, when Teddy and Paige would absolutely have broken up even if that didn't happen. They've been headed this way since Dog Days, at least. I just think the whole thing would've been better if they'd have leant into the fundamental issues the relationship has, instead of putting all the focus on this stuff with Jodie which is not the most interesting or even biggest problem they have. The Sah/Paige kiss created so many interesting routes they could've taken but they lost track of what they were doing with it very quickly and then kept losing track of every new opportunity they created. In my heart, they are to Casualty what tomshiv is to Succession. In reality, they're a mess.

I wish I could give a real, proper reason why I don’t like Teddy and Jodie together but I just don’t. It’s so bad that I can barely their scenes together. I guess we’re heading towards more of them, potentially even a proper romance plot? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. As I type, I am grimacing at the thought. Whenever I get a romance plot and I don’t like any of the potential outcomes I just start thinking of more unlikely outcomes. Anyway, Paige/Jodie when? When Jodie also figures out that Teddy is probably best left single right now, she and Paige can commiserate together and then get together. It wouldn't make sense but has any of this made sense?

Otherwise, it was a heavy one. Are they just making the most of always being on after the watershed or something?

My incredibly unpopular (at least, unpopular in other areas of the CAS fandom) opinion is that Iain is my least favourite paramedic. Don't dislike him at all, I like him but I just don't understand why the show chooses to only remember plot that has happened to him and often chooses to pretend things that happened to the other paramedics never happened. Maybe I associate him with Faith a bit right now, too.

The music sequence or whatever was so out of nowhere that it was more amusing than dramatic.

I’m glad Rash and Rida have worked it out for now.

The way Casualty has been dealing with disabilities lately has been uncharacteristically uncomfortable. I don’t really have the brain space to expand on that right now but certain choices sure have been made.

Nothing in next week’s spoilers that I feel like I need to comment on, except for Max finally agreeing to take Jodie’s kidney. I would really, really hope it’s mainly an episode of Jodie and Max stuff.

[vulnonapix1234]

Dear Michaella,

As you might know by now, everything can happen here in HL.

Even so, I can barley believe what happened since the last time I wrote you.

It's nothing bad! At least I hope so...

I honestly don't know how to explain this and I am begging you to not freak out, but I guess that you are an aunt now.

It's a bit complicated.

Let's start with the basics.

You remember Femt? The King of depravity that tried to gift you that monsterous wheelchair?

He and another one of the 13 King, Aligura, Queen of Monomainia, decided to do a collab.

"The wishing mirror"

A small portal that could turn you into what you want to be.

Just by going through it, you could fundamentally change your looks or give yourself powers.

Needless to say, it was extremely dangerous and we had to destroy it as quickly as possible.

During the battle to destroy it, one of our most valuable members was thrown through it.

I.

It's.

He is alright now, but my insides feel still feel like they are getting squeezed when I think about it.

My sweet little sonic is a human now.

Even though he is laying next to me, I still can't believe it.

Miss Luciana says that he is in the body of a healthy 3 year old.

But...

He is so small. Sure, he is a lot bigger than usually, but God.

He is so tiny. A baby. I can't.

How am I supposed to keep him alive like this.

I am scared and on the wink of an panic attack.

I can barley care for myself and no one knows when or if he turns back.

I am just glad that the other members are standing behind and helping me.

Mr Steven even doctored up some papers and certificates.

The feeling I got when I saw him use "Watch" as surname was abnormal. Are you supposed to feel happy and terrified at the same time?

Miss K.K. lend me some clothes and toys for him, but till now, he hasn't paid any attention to them.

Till now, he just has been clingy towards me and even tried to hide in my pullover.

I think that he is extremely scared and this is stressing me out even more.

What do I even do now?

I just thought that it would be cute to draw sonic as a human.

I drew him as a little kid (3-5) because that is the level of intelligence I think he has. He is my son now. Or moreso leos. I made a zappleo extra because Sonic does look like something that came from zapps loins.

Text:

Human Sonic

(Femt and Aligura decided to cause trouble)

About 3-5 years old

Nonverbal

Leo is trying... single mom life

Libra tries, but Sonic prefers Leo

Deeply loves his friends (lots of art)

Not allowed on missions/side jobs --> separation anxiety x100

Moral dilemma of turning him back vs keeping him human.

[the-lotus-pond]

Why I think the Minecraft Mob Vote Isolates it's Players

I think it's fair to say this year's Mob Vote (2023) brought up a lot of long standing issues that have been reintroduced into the Minecraft community throughout the years. Everywhere between basic marketing practices and outright revolution, I want to try and make sense of the chaos I feel is somewhat warranted.

To be blunt, I will be sure to disclaim that I don't like Mob Votes. I've played since a few years after launch, and have since then off and on. Not really due to Minecraft itself (there are some factors), but due to the fact that usually I'd rather just play other games more. That's not a bad thing, and I attribute more to growing up and learning about other games. The reason I mention this is to show I have been through many of a mob vote before, even back when they were Biome votes. From the start, my indifference turned to annoyance.

I believe where I and many others lost our trust in the mob votes was back in during Minecon 2017, the very FIRST one. This presented the community 4 rough ideas of a new creature mob to be added. At the time the Mob Vote was insanely popular, and Mob B, the Phantom, won. However when it did finally get added to the game, I remember many expressing disappointment in what the mob's role would be in the game. On top of that, back when the votes first started happening. Mojang is on record for saying the votes did not decide what got added entirely. They specified it was what was being added first and prioritized, but in later updates the losers of the votes would be added and updated in an appropriate update. And while some biomes as promised have been updated and revitalized, the same cannot be said for the mobs. The very first mob vote was in 2017, and in the 6 years since then, not any of the losers (besides frogs, but I am not counting it because it was in a biome vote.) have been added to the base game. If a bit ironic, they've been added or almost added to side games owned by Mojang.

Because of this, I can absolutely see why people are frustrated with Mojang. Especially when the own the most successful game in the world is Minecraft. That is not an exaggeration, Minecraft is still the best selling video game in the world overall. Multiple activity websites still show millions of players on Minecraft and playing it. It's a big enough game to have a convention just for this game year after year. To call them outright lazy might be a stretch, but there seems to be a fundamental disconnect between Minecraft and it's players. It feels like the line of communication is completely gone. When that communication ends, and you have a growing number of disgruntled gamers, that's how you apparently get Mob Vote revolution, demanding all mobs be added despite the vote, and for it to be removed. It's been nothing but "Feed the Machine" edits demanding to the end of the mob vote. While some are made in good fun, in normal internet fashion, many have expressed their anger in less productive ways. Many outright saying the devs are lazy, when really we don't have any idea what the devs are doing. I don't think I've ever seen this community directly related to the game's development this toxic or plainly pessimistic about the game as a whole. They need to start keeping their promises as a gaming company, or more and more people will become dissatisfied. What do you all think? Im... honestly 50/50, I see both sides.

[myassbrokethefall]

xf rewatch: squeeze and conduit

(As if this wasn't already apparent, I'll warn you that any off-the-cuff posts I manage to spew out as I rewatch are going to be rambly, unorganized and rudderless. I am tagging all of these "xf rewatch rambling." And I will be kind to us all and put in a cut.)

Eps 3 and 4, and we're still building some real foundational XF DNA here. Squeeze of course is our first MOTW and it's all nicely laid out for us: Colton and the jackass squad are all like, hurrrr it's ol spooky mulder he thinks a flying saucer did the murders, and even Scully is like, so whaddya think, these are the stretchy fingerprints of ALIENS? And it gives him a great opportunity to say, please Scully, I have range, we don't ONLY do UFO episodes cases on this show in this basement, sometimes we might have a "week" where we are investigating a "monster"! That will keep us busy!

It's also really interesting to see Mulder interact with the rest of the federal law enforcement universe for the first time, and how he plays into it in a smartass way, but how it really is relentless (with Colton in particular like physically blocking him from the crime scene even before he calls off the stakeout). Mulder doesn't get really mad about it until it gets to the point where he knows they've let a killer go and no one will listen to him about that. He's just such a fundamentally Good man, and it's a lovely thing to once again see through Scully's eyes how he is not the unreasonable one here, that despite his willingness to connect the dots to make a picture that is Beyond the Realm of Science, he IS, in fact, connecting dots, he's not just making shit up, and none of these dudes making fun of him are actually listening to him. I am loving watching how they draw his character in these early days.

Then with Conduit we're back into UFO stuff and it's our first Gordon/Gansa ep. This is the first episode I don't know like the back of my hand, although I remember it pretty well (and I don't know Squeeze AS well as Pilot and DT). It is quite solid, and MUCH more based on Carl Sagan's Contact than I remembered. As I rambled to a friend earlier today and will now do here again probably even less coherently, this whole thing was great for me until it falls apart at the end with the pieces of paper forming the portrait of Ruby. Despite this being a nifty reveal, the portrait is just SO GOOFY!!, and it is just a step too far for me. The aliens are sending numbers through the TV to Ruby's little brother — sure. And he's compelled to write them down and they turn out to be, in binary, the aliens repeating back to the humans what they've heard in transmissions from Earth, in what is assumed to be a way of reaching out or saying hello (this is what happens in Contact). I love all that, it's very spooky, it's a fun side-swerve when M&S get interrogated by the NSA because Kevin was accidentally transcribing top-secret military info, and it is undeniably a great moment when Scully goes upstairs and looks down and has the realization that it's a picture of Ruby. But... how can the 1s and 0s be BOTH encrypted satellite transmissions AND the precise sequence that makes a physical picture of Ruby's face? Also, is it like, a school portrait? Why is she smiling so hard? Did the aliens tell her to smile and snap a photo of her on the spaceship? Are they reading Kevin's mind and that's how he pictures her, with a giant cheeseball grin? It just kind of falls apart for me and it is silly enough that it breaks the momentum of the episode. 

On the other hand, I get that they wanted to make it unequivocal that the aliens were communicating to Kevin about Ruby specifically — and to make that explicit tie between this situation and Mulder's memories, as expressed in the hypnosis in the (very emotional) last scene, about Samantha's abduction: the voice saying that she's ok and she'll be returned to him. This is a touching consistency that I never really picked up on before, that it is the aliens' MO when abducting a kid to make an effort to let a nearby loved one know that they don't have to worry. So working instructions for how to arrange the papers on the living room floor into their tv transmissions in order to make a giant Sears portrait of Ruby is another way of delivering this ultimately benevolent, hopeful message, I guess. 

You couldn't keep it this way indefinitely, but I really do feel wistful about these early days when there was such a sense of wonder with the possibility of aliens, and so much unknown, before it all got bogged down in super soldiers and magnetite and consortiums and viruses and black oil and impregnating people with science against their will. You can FEEL Mulder's agitation and urgency in wanting to get Ruby's story and his agony at being blocked from it, and yet also understand Darlene's refusal to let this crazy-sounding stuff that has branded her a kook her whole life define her daughter's life as well. Just good stuff.

I will note though that there have been 4 episodes here so far, 3 of them dealing with UFOs, and in all 3 of those they have done the thing where you think you're seeing UFO lights and then it turns out to be a vehicle Very Much Of This Earth. I think you could give that one a rest for a little while, show. 

Let's get real, this is all prelude to Jersey Devil, up next. Yeah baby. 

[eldritchsurveys]

1195.

Do you think the sound of rain is soothing? >> It can be, but not all rain sounds the same. Also, it depends on what it's hitting.

Have you ever eavesdropped on someones conversation? >> I have.

Do you still play the slugbug no slugbug back game? >> I rarely played it in the first place (like, one or two occasions, maybe? I know what it is but I don't have much of a memory of actually playing it).

Has anyone ever told you to grow up? >> Of course. An absurd thing to say, if you ask me, but whatever.

Have you ever had a staring contest with a pet? xP It’s fun! >> Sure. I usually win. :p

When you were little did you measure yourself alot to see how much you grew? >> I did not.

Do you always win or lose at the silence game? .

Have you ever tried to read in the dark? >> Many times. Was a big reader as a child, comes with the territory.

Have you ever felt guilty when someone close to you died? >> I don't remember if guilt was a thing I felt. I'm not sure I could even categorise the specific feelings I had, I was not at all emotionally intelligent at that time.

Don’t you hate it when you start to feel hungry just after you brushed your teeth? >> I always think this is going to happen to me but it rarely does.

Have you ever ate a bug? >> I have.

Have you ever got a piece of glass stuck in your foot? >> I have not.

Do you think apple jacks is a good cereal? >> I don't know, I haven't had it in many many years.

Do you make excuses alot or know someone that does? . Do you think pit bulls are as mean as everyone says they are? >> I'm sure some are, for various reasons, but I don't think it's a rule.

Have you ever done something that gave someone the wrong impression? >> Of course.

Has someone ever gave you something then took it back? >> I do have the feeling that that's happened to me before, but I can't remember the circumstance.

Have you ever had a wardrobe malfunction? >> I did. At least two members of the band Sevendust have seen my tits as a result.

At this age you are now, have you colored in a coloring book & had fun? >> Sure.

Have you ever had a bubble bath? >> As a child, I'm sure, but not after that.

When eating, are you more concerned with the taste or healthiness? >> The taste. Have you ever shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? >> I have not.

Do your fingers ever get tired from typing? >> They don't; I am very habituated to typing and I'm sure I could do it for hours with no problem. Now, writing, on the other hand. 💀

Have you ever tried picking up an item with your foot? >> I have.

What’s your opinion on sporks? >> I don't like them, they're the worst of both worlds.

If you had nowhere else to go, which friend of yours would let u stay over? .

Do you know anyone who has been a victim of a drunk driver? >> I do not.

Don’t you hate it when people try to act like they know it all? >> I don't know anyone that tries to act like this. I think maybe this is an over-reported phenomenon that is more often based upon fundamental misunderstanding of people's actual motivations in sharing knowledge than based on actual cases of people flaunting their knowledge to seem superior. Are you nosy? >> I am.

Is there someone that makes your life hell? >> Not currently.

Have you ever been ditched by your friends? >> Probably.

If someone could see into your heart, what do you think they would see? .

Has someone ever sneaked up on you & scared the shit out of you? >> More often accidentally than purposefully, but yeah.

How long does it take you to brush your teeth? >> Judging by the vibrating of my toothbrush, usually around a minute, minute thirty. I get too impatient and bored for the whole two minutes most of the time. Surely it can't take two whole minutes anyway, like, come on. Have you ever went to bed angry at someone? >> Absolutely. Who do you call when you forget what your homework assignment is? .

Do you interrupt people while they’re speaking? >> Sometimes, sure, if I get excited enough. I prefer not to, though.

Are you a rulebreaker? >> I can be.

What would you do if you became an overnight celebrity? >> Immediately set about figuring out how to stop being an overnight celebrity.

Do you know someone who can’t keep a secret? . Have you ever walked into a room & all eyes were on you? >> Possibly.

What would you do if someone forbid you to see the 1 you love? .

Do you believe everyone has a twin out there somewhere? >> I don't think so.

Have you ever felt replaced? >> Sure.

Do you show your true colors? .

What would you do if your best friend was marrying someone you can’t stand? . what would you do if your car got impounded? .

Do you lose your patience easily? >> Not really.

Do you think putting paper in a shredder is fun? >> It can be, I guess.

Are there any weird or creepy legends about the area you live in? >> I don't know, I haven't been paying attention.

What would you do if a skunk sprayed you? >> Lose my goddamn fucking mind. That would suck so bad.

Would you drink a gallon of sour milk for $250? >> Fuck no. Has someone ever thrown something at you & it landed down your shirt? >> Probably.

What makes you feel sensational? .

What toys did you play with in the bathtub as a kid? .

Do you like jumping off diving boards? .

Do you follow ingredients when you cook or do u do what you think is right? >> I follow recipes for things I've never made before, but even then I tend to default to my own judgement especially about shit like how much spices to add.

Do you space out a lot? >> Not a lot.

Do energy drinks make you feel jittery? >> I don't know, I prefer not to drink those. On the recent occasion that I had a Red Bull for kicks, it didn't make me feel anything specific. Do you have anything you want to confess to? .

Have you ever been to summer camp? >> Only day camp (as a child, anyway; I've attended overnight camps as an adult).

Do you wear name brands? >> I don't think anything I own is of a recognisable brand unless it's a store brand (like Hot Topic or Old Navy). Are you good at bingo? >> I don't think you can be good at bingo? It's kinda random, innit.

[vhouatroph]

okay, serious post time.

i'm 22, and started playing toontown in 2006. that's 17 years toontown has been in my life so far. toontown has been fundamental to who i am, and my life experiences- i would be an extremely different person if toontown was not part of my life.

toontown is something i can thank for my enjoyment of writing. in 4th grade, one of my first school papers was about how much i loved the game. a little later, i discovered toontown fanfiction. specifically, i discovered "GEARS," by TheEvina. i was enamored by the story, and wanted to write my own.

of course i wasn't actually that great of a writer starting out, but who really is? i just kept at it, and here i am today! i'd like to think i'm at least a half decent writer now :)

toontown youtube was another great discovery i had made when i was young. the random toon show was my absolute favorite youtuber, and i dearly miss him. the "heriotza" movies, inspired by madtoontownreturns's movies, also have a fond place in my heart despite no longer being on youtube, along with several of his oldest songs.

much like with the fanfictions, seeing the cool toontown videos inspired me to make my own. my favorite is probably this one:

again, my videos weren't very good at all! this one was made in windows movie maker, the peak of editing software at the time. but like with everything else, i continued to pursue getting better at videos. in high school we had to choose a track of classes to "prepare us for the real word" and i chose audio/video. even went to college for a/v before they kicked me out bc i couldn't afford it.

i don't think i can really move on from toontown youtube without mentioning joey's old ttmvs. fixing the silly meter is of course the one everyone knows, but he did have a couple others! some of them seem to not be on youtube anymore which makes me kind of sad, but i understand- i did the same with my toontown fanfictions!

to tell you the truth, i can't remember toontown's closure very well. that period of time in general for me is kind of blocked out. don't know why. what i do remember is when toontown rewritten entered semi-open beta and i played the game for the first time again through the playline on june 18th, 2014!

you "beta" believe i was excited- i stayed up until 3am for this! the experience was laggy as hell, and i think at one point loopy lane didn't even have cogs on it. but i was so excited to play toontown again, i didn't even care!

after playing toontown rewritten, i signed up for toonbook. i had been part of the original 2011 toonbook, but i wouldn't be able to say anything about that, as i do not remember it. toonbook was an experience. i met some of my greatest friends on toonbook, and it helped me learn a lot about myself. at the same time, it is a place i do not look back on fondly. i have very complicated feeling about the site.

on october 9 2015, i made Silent, my now main toon. she was royal blue at the time, and became a black cat later that year.

in toontown online, my first toon (skooby) was soundless before i had gotten terminated for hacking. (i was dumb and curious) silent would be the toon to carry on this tradition in toontown rewritten.

as the years continued, i continued to play toontown. even if i took long breaks, i always came back to it, and my friends were there to do activities with me. even if there was nothing big happening, sometimes it was nice to just sit at my estate and play with my doodles.

the night field offices released will live on in my memory as one of the best nights in my entire life. nothing will ever compare to being in a voice chat with my friends the first time we encountered the boiler. i don't really know how else to describe it besides magical. sure we crashed after one round, but another could be tried later!

that night, i completed my first ever field office on toontown rewritten, and it will still live on as one of my favorite experiences in the game ever. i of course continued doing field offices, and still enjoy them immensely. i haven't done a 4 star yet (need to fight 6 18+ cogs 😔) but i hope to some day!

with the most recent toonfest, i am so happy to be a toontown player. everything announced has me extremely excited, and i loved hearing all the backstory on the creation of toontown. this game has been a part of my life for 17 years, and i hope it continues to be part of my life for years to come.

happy 20th birthday, toontown.

[thehealingdance]

Energy update

what is going on in the enegery field ~ a perspective

It's been a while since the last update. Proof, if you needed it, that I am not exempt from turbulences - and whatnot - in the energy field.

August has been an interesting month for sure. Lots of upheaval and things being stirred up. Too much to go into detail here, or even a summary. I don't actively remember most of it, in any case.

So just know that if your life has been particularly challenging over the past four weeks? You are not alone, and it's not your fault, either. You are part of the whole, part of everything-that-is-moving. And as it moves around you, so do you.

Or not, which is then the point where things will get harder, tougher, and more challening. Think about it. If everything moves and you don't - what happens?

Resisting the movement will only increase hardship, pain, and suffering.

So if things have been unbearable / challenging / tough on you? Ask yourself where you are holding on. Where is the attachment? And can you soften it, if only a little bit? You might not be ready to fully let go, to go all in. And that's fine!

Yet maybe you can soften a little bit? Allow change a little bit?

Because I cannot sense things getting any easier from here on out.

Because my sense of the energy field, right now, at this point ~ is of a vast opening. A space has opened that was not there before. A space in the fundamental construct of our reality. Only the frame is left, at this point ~ all the intricate little cogs and wires have been unravelled, have been removed.

Heartfelt gratitude to the Anu. This is how we can unravel what is to make way for what comes without everything exploding.

But. That open space, that expansion is not a soft one. Oh, no, not at this point. Something fundamental has been removed, the energy realigned ~ and as in the energy field, so in you and me.

There is a space that was not there before, a silence that used to be filled with noise ~ and in that space, that silence things will rise that we ... repressed, refused to look at; forgot.

In that space, in that silence, our inner shadow will become more visible. The old identies and constructs, limiting beliefs and traumas.

For many of my clients, the inner child has come forwards.

And this, to my sense, is what is happening: that space is now confronting us with the Hard Shit. The uncomfortable parts of our Self. The things we didn't want to look at.

The pain. The fear. The desolation. The desparation. The shame. The grief. The disappointment.

This new opening is not gentle. And in that, it is kind. It offers the space, the silence, for each one of us to really look inside, to go even deeper than before ~ and work with what we find.

And work with what we find we must. I cannot feel we will be given any other choice. Not if we are genuine and committed in walking the spiritual path, in following our soul, in realising our authentic self ~ in ascending.

This is not the point where you make the decision. That point is long past. This is the point where you are asked to step up.

This may sound harsh. Maybe it is. Maybe it needs to be to convey the pressure, the sense of urgency I'm sensing when tuning into that new expansion.

Do it. Do it now. Now is the time.

Refine your spiritual practise. Is it still working for you? Does it require adjustment?

Can you do a little more of it? Not heaps, not hours. Just a little.

Meditate for five minutes longer. Sit down twice a day. Meditate in the mornings, practice deep-consciouness bodymovement in the evenings.

Focus on all the ways you can connect to yourself, to the feeling-sense of Soul. Settle in that feeling-sense as much as possible; ground yourself in it, in yoourself.

From that settled, grounded place it becomes much easier to be with what is being stirred up, to work with what is presenting.

Ground yourself so that you cannot lose yourself.

And if you'd like some more practical tips and ideas on how to cope that are tailored to you, get in touch. ❤️