#i don't even know what all is broken
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There's some weird sync problem with my google drive files and I lost a whole bunch of editing because it decided an older file was more relevant to save.
So I'm going to scream, cry, and possibly lug my computer however many thousands of miles is required to throw it into the ocean.
You know, if anyone needs me.
#i don't even know what all is broken#the new stuff is in there but stuff i know i fixed is not#so this must have happened a few days ago and i didn't notice#so now it's way too late to find it in the saved edits google keeps#and i'm dead now#i'm just fucking dead#make my nightmares a reality and feed me to the orcas
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#fucks me up that there are two whole new animals in the house that i barely know#who depend on me for everything#barely recognize me as a friend or helper#and are so incredibly incredibly fragile#i got worried for junie today because her spay incision had some swelling#and it's normal to have some and i have seen it before#but after what we just wemt through i got upset and rushed her to the vet#who said it was fine and thankfully we have free office visits#but i was so upset even though i knew it was probably normal#i look at them and i see adorable cuddly sweet TEMPORARY things and i feel like something inside me got broken somehow#and i was right all along that after it was all over i would come back but not quite as myself#i just hadn't fully understood the extent#we are keeping them and it sort of had to happen when it did but i think it was too early for me#they are so cute and when they do cuddle it's so sweet and obviously i would fight for them as hard as i would for Fancy#because that's just how the deal works and it isn't about you at all it's about how they each carry a little world inside them just as we d#and that deserves equal respect and care regardless of my personal affections#but i look at them and i see little creatures that don't belong here and are foreign in some fundamental way#and that they will be gone in just a little while and things will go back to how they were#which is impossible#we will settle in and i doubt anything i am feeling is abnormal but I'm really struggling and i feel so bad about that#i don't know#it's just a lot to deal with#and i feel very lonely and sad about it#and under it all the sick feeling of having JUST held all three lads as they passed and the VISCERAL reality of it#and knowing one day if everything goes just right i will be holding them too#dear god life is so fragile and every living thing is just as mortal as any other
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Fought 'til you tethered me, swept under surfaces, never enough of it...
#911#buddie#911edit#buddieedit#911 on fox#911 fox#911 abc#evanbuckleyedit#eddiediazedit#my edit#otp: you don't need to pretend with me#usercam#at this point i should have a cemetery tag lol#flashing tw#i need a gracie tag dont I?#die on their watch.#so i was thinking earlier and if youve been around here any length of time you know i think about that cemetery scene a lot#because narratively its very interesting scene because i changes the tone of their relationship in comparison to the rest of the show reall#and its a fascinating choice. even the whole point that of the conversation happening at a cemetery where theyre visiting someone who didn'#but i have a tendency to look at that scene from eddies eyes#because when you look at it along with all of eddies reactions surrounding bucks death and the reactions eddie was having to bucks words#that feels like a breakup. if feels like were watching eddies heart break in real time yk?#BUT buck is very purposeful in this scene too. he's basically daring eddie to say something but eddie just thinks that he needs to agree#and if you look at it that way and think about it as buck asking for a reaction you can argue buck feels rejected here too#even tho eddie thinks hes being supportive#they are saying things and they are being misinterpreted. both of them leave that talk with different views of what happened#and thats VERY interesting with how strongly the show pushed buck eddie and chris as a family unity in the episodes before#and well i dont really know how the show plans to recover from that. if they plan on doing it at all. but like#that was a breakup. but if its a breakup where both of them think they got broken up with. how do you come back?#eddie diaz
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“You've changed.”
ARCANE S02E03 & STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH
#maybe these last ones only makes sense in my head but whatever#both padme and vi had already seen the bad side of their lovers and glimpses of what they were capable of but ignored it#they reach for them one last time in theses scenes. both still not wanting to see the truth and with hope that things can still work out#and then they finally have the sad realization and it's over.#they make me sick#all of them!#how cait was freaking out and even crying (i think)#how insane anakin looks and sounds#how shocked vi was like she don't know the woman in front of her#how padme looks so sad that you can see in her eyes the broken heart#and none of that was enough#and i wonder if a little part of vi didn't want to just beg cait to run away with her like padme did it even tho both knew the answer#...#caitlyn kiramman#anakin skywalker#vi#padme amidala#caitvi#anidala#star wars#revenge of the sith#rots#arcane#season 2#parallels#arcane x star wars
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Do you ever cry when you think about how Eddie was probably a gentle soul when he was younger? Shy and quiet, loves to listen to people talk with sparkles in his eyes and a sweet shy smile that made his dimple pop, loved helping his abuela and mom and sisters at home. Then everything was destroyed when toxic masculinity was forced onto him and Eddie has never since been allowed the chance to ever be as soft or as gentle as he was before? How this poor little baby was sent off to war, breaking him in ways he couldn't even imagine. How since then all he's done is be afraid and confused and angry and frustrated.
Because nothing feels right even when he did all the things he was told he should do.
Be a man when I'm not around son. Be a man and marry her. Be a man and provide for your family. Be a man and kill for your country. Be a man and forget about your PTSD. Be a man and take care of your child. Be a man, be a man, be a man.
And he did! He did all of it like everyone told him to! But then why isn't he better? Why is he still broken??
But he's not. He's healing. All the cracks in his soul are being filled with gold. Like kintsugi. He's learning how to be whole again. He's found the 118, a family not of blood who loves him the way he deserves. He's found Buck, who accepts him as he is; all his flaws and imperfections; everything that makes him Eddie.
It's a slow process and sometimes it's painful but he'll get there. Eddie Diaz is not broken. He's a piece of art, beautiful and loved, his scars lined in gold.
He will learn to be gentle again; to himself most of all. He will learn to be soft; to ask for things. He will learn to be honest; to express his needs. He will learn to be Eddie once more, slowly.
#so i made myself sad thinking about younger eddie#how he tried to cook for his sisters and bring his mom to the hospital and how he couldn't even talk to shannon#my sweet little child#even when he was sent to war he chose to be a healer#even when he was at lost on what to do he chose to be a first responder#someone who SAVES lives#because he is gentle and GOOD#he knows his hands were made to love and heal and protect#but they took away everything that made him eddie#and now he feels he's all broken#but he'll get there#he'll be the eddie that he was always meant to be#with his new family (and old) by his side#with buck and chris by his side#i could have left it sad but I don't want to#eddie diaz will not be a tale of tragedy#he will be a tale of hope#once he finds himself again and loves himself#he can the figure out he loves buck#as a treat :)#911 abc#eddie diaz#character analysis#buddie
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ok look, i don't normally do that because i just don't ship real people but since everyone is talking about this lately... i just read the forest fic for the first time ever.
#somebody kill me now please i feel like my brain is broken i don't know what's happening anymore#is josh even real#i wasted so much time on this and i don't know what to think#it's kinda good tho?#like... i absolutely loved all those forest references#it's one of my favourite songs ever#the entire concept was really interesting and ngl i actually had fun and it was beautifully written#but jesus was it weird#wild even#like genuinely what the fuck#i'm confused i need help mom come pick me up#in my defense i only did that becase all of you were saying it's a part of navigating mv now so i had to check what's the big deal#and boy#you were right#they truly did that and i hate them for it#i bet tyler read it and fucking loved it lmao#i'm gonna. die now#twenty one pilots#the forest fic#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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"For particularly important things, it's always more reassuring to write them down like this." - Zhang Beihai
[ID in alt text]
#my art#three body problem#3 body problem#zhang beihai#三体#章北海#i've been meaning to draw three body problem characters and actually post them on my blog for quite some time!#so if anybody wants me to draw any specific character from the series feel free to reply here or send an ask as a request!#beihai is my top favorite and he resonated with me more than i expected! i rather liked bits of consequentialist philosophical ideas in him#anyways incoming ramble/infodump in the tags about various subjects pertaining to him#all you need to know about me is that i often lurk in chinese language fandom spaces and you might see commonalities in designs#if you see fanartists draw him with the broken eyebrow and mole then that's due to the 我的三体 (my three-body) donghua adaptation!#admittedly i was introduced to the series through that adaptation years ago because it seemed rather absurd (minecraft haha) but oddly good#at least check out the third season (haven't seen the fourth one yet but that's ongoing actually) or listen to 夜航星 (night voyager)#i'm rather curious how fanartists on tumblr might tackle character designs since i mostly see the two live action adaptations here#i want to diverge my designs from any particular adaptation but my beihai design takes a lot from 我的三体!#now about beihai- i really enjoyed his characterization and i'd like to bring up a maybe unintentional parallel and foil with the eto#hopefully that's something new to add to the discussion about zhang beihai and here's what adaptations don't get about mike evans#in the book he's a character you mostly only hear about from others and he's known to be a private person#he conceals a lot of his thoughts from even people like ye wenjie + he taught the trisolarans about deceit#then his strategy to kill luo ji was to keep it low and make it seem like an accident which those obfuscations of thought parallels beihai#then evans says: “but… it's obvious now that everywhere is the same” which is similar to beihai's “it doesn't matter. it's all the same”#the contexts differ but i think they're good foils about human nature “being the same” with evans's quote being about futility#then beihai's was about how regardless of if he survived or not- someone else would be able to carry on with his work#i have many other thoughts about beihai like how chu yan's (captain of blue space) group approach with the voting contrasts beihai#while beihai tried to bear the weight of attacking the other ships in solitude- chu yan made vengeance against trisolaris a group effort#(which that action goes against how the swordholder was a solitary role instead of a group one which is neat to me!)#i'd discuss more but i think that's enough to show that i really love zhang beihai (feel free to discuss the books with me though)
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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morning toddheads
#swucy#doomed lovers doomed doomed doomed#each blinded by their own particular madness#but reaching for reach other REACHING REACHING#the way he's always looking away from her#always brooding on his wrongs what happened who knows how many years agooo#he's weeping for yesterday#but sweeney it's right in front of you#they're both such deeply broken people#lucy careening from begging to soliciting to harassing to prophecying with her fractured mind#but still she gets this little bit of lucidity to ask again and again#don't i know you mister?#and he just can't see her#my headcanon is he gets a peculiar twist in his gut when he sees her first thing#he writes it off#he doesn't want to even consider that it could be her#that would be too painful#he's still hoping to come home to a loving wife and child#the way things were#and then right after that mrs lovett tells him that she is dead#and then he doesn't see her again til he murders her#but she haunts fleet street#she's looking for her family even if she can't quite remember them#poor thing...#lucy barker#text post meme#idk at first i couldn't see the love between them#because you never see it in their interactions until she's dead#but then all i could see was the love#it's driving both of them
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I will never not be upset that my limited-edition time-gated "I was there at the end" magnus archives t-shirt just fucking fell apart when I washed it. I mean, the shirt is fine. But the design is a bunch of really thin lines. So literally the very first time I washed it, like half of the design came off. I've now worn it (and washed it) three times and you can't even tell what it used to be.
I don't even wear it anymore because I don't want to destroy the design to the point that you can't read it. This is what it's supposed to look like, btw:
#my words#the magnus archives#tma#what's even more annoying is that I heard that the black one is the only one that's like this#the others are actually like...printed?#I don't know the terms for shirts but like#instead of having some vinyl on top of the shirt that cracks and peels off#the fabric is actually dyed#but that only works when the design is black like it is on all the other shirts#if they had explained that I would've just bought like a green one or something because TMA#I'm so mad about this because you can't get them anymore#at least not officially#my keepsake is broken :(
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'and bubby's all in the back singing "kiss the girl"'
next time i'm staring at your lips
with that awkward silence
(it's funny how the distance
and the kissing feels like an eternity
in two opposite ways),
maybe i'll actually get the guts
and the throat on top of it
to proposition you for a kiss.
it's kinda cute that i'm rendered mute,
'but the point is probably moot.'
do you think if i post some bikini pics
that it's enough to get wet with the dick?
how come i need a cheerleader, two liter
of stomach acid on pause,
to muster the breath to breathe with you?
when i hazard a look down,
as subtle as my broken neck,
i can see you're packing,
and i guess i am too;
checking my bag'd only reveal i'm a fag.
not outed at the outing,
not cooked at the cookout —
either way, i'm still gay.
i came prepared; i came, prepared.
unused condoms in the trash
because i'm all cautious just like that.
i wish you would've taken more of an initiative,
taken my worries, more of me, and inching in....
but given your incentive, sense,
that's an even bigger ask, isn't it?
i asked you for something a bit (a bit)
more normal, i guess,
and you, smiling so big,
said 'yeah, of course!
(can't you see?)'
'i can't stop staring.'
i'm laying down the ground work,
betting on getting better,
low-balling in hopes you'll
take it all on the spot,
but we both saw how far we got.
next time i get down on the floor,
i will make sure to four for the fores.
- ellie revenge
#HEY BUBBY ‼️‼️ loose lips sink ships btw. hush hush.#myevilposts#poetry#suggestive#the world's not waiting (for five tired boys in a broken down van) - fob#kiss the girl - the little mermaid ost#jessie's girl - rick springfield#staring problem - no doubt#i may need a tag just for poems based on the incident bc i have.... ummm. a lot i'm working on. all at once. rn. lol. lmao even!#mib mind erasing everyone who knows what this is about. you don't know shit.#you just had to be there. btw!#3p poetry tag
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#now i've heard there was a secret chord that david played and it pleased the Lord but you don't really care for music do you?#it goes like this the fourth the fifth the minor fall the major lift the baffled king composing hallelujah#hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah. Your faith was strong but you needed proof you saw her bathing on the roof her beauty and the#moonlight overthrew you. She tied you to a kitchen chair she broke your throne and cut your hair and from your lips she drew the hallelujah#Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah. You say i took the name in vain i don't even know the name but if i did well really what's it#to you? There's a blaze of light in every word it doesn't matter which you heard the holy or the broken hallelujah. Hallelujah hallelujah#Hallelujah hallelujah. I did my best it wasn't much i couldn't feel so i tried to touch i've told the truth i didn't come to fool you#And even though it all went wrong i'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah. Hallelujah hallelujah#Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah.
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Tso Lan figure bought from CNcreations on Etsy
#Jackie Chan Adventures#JCA#Tso Lan#demon sorcerers#Bro was EXPENSIVE#Completely worth it in my opinion even if I only justified the purchase to myself because I got more hours at work#The collection had all of them but I could never afford the entire set#I don't think the collection is currently up on his shop either#The package looked like it got sat on when I got it and he was a little damaged unfortunately#but nothing a little glue couldn't fix and you'd have to know what was broken to see#the shop owner gave me a partial refund and a little extra to cover the glue and was really well communicative through the ordeal#so I'm not upset about the damage he still looks fantastic
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ohhh glitchfell???
Glitchfell!!! It's funny you mention that specifically, because originally it had just been to separate Dos specifically, but I've actually been developing it on its own on the back burner...
Dos is still sort of the star of the show, since, well, he’s the reason it's glitchfell. Dos is [REDACTED]. However, his creator made a fatal flaw when trying to fix a previous mistake and it completely fucked Dos' code. At first, it was just minor glitching and stat instability. But as he got older, and the attempts to fix the mistake only continued making it worse (sort of), by the time he was a young teen, the glitching was causing problems in the Main Code, so when a particularly bad episode hit, he unintentionally collapsed the timeline and threw himself to a "neighboring" au.
...or so he thought (and how I'd initially written it lol).
But I've been working with, at least an alternate "timeline", where the au didn't actually collapse when Dos was thrown. Rather, it became corrupted. It wasn't too bad at first, more like Glitchedswap, where there were new tics here and there, but things could continue on as normal.
Unfortunately though, a tree cannot grow from a severely damaged trunk. At least not well. The damage was done, and as time went on, the corruptions only continuously worsened. There's a good likelihood it would have collapsed on its own by the time Dos met Void, there's just no way an au like that could sustain itself after a point, but it's incredibly interesting to think about how far it could've fallen before that point, and if it's possible anyone from it could've been saved before then...
Or if anyone would've put them out of their misery before it got so bad.
#I wanna make fucked up designs for all of them so bad </3#it's like. really sad too bc no one really understands what's going on. at first they don't even realize. and then they just start getting#confused. sans of course picks up on it immediately (especially because he can't find papyrus) but eventually him and Alphys are trying#desperately to figure out what's happening and stop it. but it was already too bad by that point </3#id love to explore scenarios like Dos finding out it's still around way later down be line only to return and see everything completely#*shattered*. broken beyond the point of reason. and knowing it was his fault. would've been better if it *had* collapsed#or finding out about it after the fact and realizing Void had known and kept it from him#maybe Void had found it after meeting Dos and checking. but finding it in such a horrible state...all he *could do to help them would be...#and Dos finding that out? that Void never told him he found it? that he *manually* collapsed it after he did?#MAN. that'd be so fucked up#Dos would be able to come around eventually but he'd be SO furious and hurt#and that's 100% the kind of thing Void would do lmao#maybe not even initially tbth. the whole thing with Dos stretches out over *several* years. there's a chance Void honestly just forgot by#the next time he re-met Dos#ough...#uselessundertalefacts#ty for the ask sorry for hijacking it with Void#well. only in the tags. still tho#🌟❕💗#clear sky sunset#sun spots#gf dos#glitchfell#glitchfell papyrus
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To keep something very clear:
My Castlevania works are not related to Netflixvania at all.
I strongly dislike that adaptation, and am very uncomfortable with the thought of what I draw for this series being grouped alongside it. Moreso, I am not interested in any discussion on NFCV period, please keep that topic to your own spaces and away from mine.
While I cannot stop you from interpreting my work as you wish, I can keep you from looking at it if I were to find out.
Thanks for your understanding.
#this applies to anything I post even if I don't have a tag to clarify it (I shouldn't have to keep doing that)#and anything I may have made viewing it positively is sorely oudated#I may sound like a broken record but I think it's about time I updated this to be very obvious on how I feel about all this#I don't really care for engagement I just post what I like#and that damned show is something I do not like#so I will no longer be tolerant of it to preserve my sanity#(I've never had to deal with a plague like this but I may as well start learning how)#and if you take this personally after reading this I don't know what else to tell you#I am not interested in being convinced to like it again and am simply curating my space
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this is honestly very upseting
#the fact she felt the need to delete it makes this even worse#imagine training so many years and it's all very difficult#you don't even know when you will debut#and then you eventually do#and you are not paid like you deserve#and on top of that you either get thrown to the side#or you get overwork#and the high ups get a bigger percentage of your music#and what you made on tours every time#i sound like a broken record talking about this#like it's like daisy said this shit is systematic#and idols probably try to make a difference#but it's such a deep rooted problem that is hard#that's why as fans WE should come in on so many issues#idk abt the money part but it comes to them being overworked#or them getting put on hiatus for no fucking reason#we should 100% do something abt it#but it always seem like you are talking to a wall#bc everyone loves to consume content#we talk abt these things everyone is mad about it for like a bit#and then everything goes back to normal AND IT ANNOYS ME#anyways.....#tris.txt
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