#i don't care what happens to this bitch
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Defend aelin's treatment of chaol to me. Do it now. Leave your stupid shipping out of it. I don't give a fuck about rowan. I want to know where the fuck she gets off treating chaol the way she does. In facts.
#aelin galathynius#chaol westfall#queen of shadows#i am fucking livid#i can barely stand to keep reading#i don't care what happens to this bitch#i hope she dies tbh
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This is the only thing I'm going to say about the election until it's over:
Anyone who did not vote for Harris or who attempted to dissuade people from voting for Harris, you are indirectly responsible for whatever shit Donald Trump does if he gets elected. That blood is primarily on his hands, yes. But it is also on yours. I hope you can live with that because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to.
#'but gaza' trump wants TO OBLITERATE THEM. HE LITERALLY WANTS THERE TO BE NOTHING LEFT OF GAZA AT ALL. WHY DO YOU THINK#I DON'T WANT HIM IN POWER?????#yeah I said I wouldn't election post I lied sorry.#I know most of you don't actually care what happens to american citizens because we're all Violent Hypocrites who should kill ourselves#and somehow every single civilian is responsible for the actions of a military and government that comparatively few of us are actually par#of but FUCKING HELL. You don't care about THE PEOPLE OF GAZA??? Because that's what you're telling me if you're in favor of#doing anything OTHER than the most likely path to get trump out of politics. which is voting for the candidate DIRECTLY OPPOSING HIM.#the thing about america being an empire that needs to die. is that before it dies. it is still affecting the rest of the world.#I can't make you care about me and my loved ones. but I am IMPLORING you to have some fucking compassion for all the people#who are going to be DEEPLY negatively affected elsewhere if trump gets into power.#THEIR HARM. THEIR DEATHS. ARE ON /YOU/ IF YOU DID ANYTHING TO FACILITATE TRUMP'S VICTORY IF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.#I don't believe most of you actually have any amount of the sympathy and compassion for others you claim to have.#I don't think any of the causes you throw yourself behind are actually meaningful to you. I don't think any of this is based on a#genuine desire to build a better world. I think you just want your Internet friends to think you are a Good Person.#if I see anyone. ANYONE. acting like a trump presidency is what we 'deserve'. or that it's necessary to 'teach [xyz] a lesson'#I am NEVER speaking to you again I don't care how long I've known you.#us politics#I am a disabled queer woman. almost everybody I love is also disabled and queer. you think we're acceptable collateral damage fine.#but don't cry that I'm being a bitch if I say that that makes me not trust you and not want to have anything to do with you.
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hahaha wheee haha
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#continuing to tag ship instead of answering any of the reporters' questions#as you can see. I am still on my Reki Speaks English Pretty Fluently But Can Not Read It For Shit bullshit#and also. teen shenanigans. which can also be grown up shenanigans if ur not a square#man. todays been a Whole thing. how was it really the case that every art supply store I went to ran out of black ink#three! I went to three stores! literally a triangle in the city!#still have some of the devils tar left but I'm not enthusiastic about it#well! that's for future baku to care about and for me to ignore babeyy#tbh this is like. Im just glad I can still scribble a funny comic when it strikes me it's been too long#I don't do that a lot anymore... even tho its such a good measure of like. ur sense of timing#if u can draw a funny comic ur powerful enough to do anything. u can eat the sun u can kick its ass. u can draw a sad comic too#I realized I missed that...#also accidentally sent this from draft without adding tags lol. and tried adding tags on mobile and it spit in my face and called me a bitch#got enough of that. one must never forget one's currently on tumblr#now I sleep. gods. gods do I need a bit of that#have a good night lads. bring a worm onto a rollercoaster. see what happens
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New article with more details (from Jason Schreier who first broke the story). If you can't see it, I'll copy the whole text under read more.
About 100 employees were laid off in total (8%) and one of the main reasons listed is "underperformance," "sharp drop in popularity" and "poor reception of Lightfall."
So you know when for the last year and a half content creators have been shitting and pissing on the game as a full-time job and the amount of negativity and ragebait content became the only thing to make content about for them? Well they certainly won't take the blame, but I will let it be known. These people either don't understand the influence they have or they do and they're doing it on purpose, and I don't know which of these two options is worse, but I am 100% confident that their campaign of rage and hate contributed to this.
You don't base your entire community around constantly hating everything about the only game you play (despite clearly not enjoying it anymore) and somehow avoid galvanising thousands and thousands of people into perceiving the game negatively. Imagine being employees who have barely worked there for 2 years and the only community reception they've seen is 24/7 hate train for their work and then they get fired because of "poor reception" and "drop in popularity." How can they not take that personally? I am absolutely devastated for these people who delievered a banger product and who were met with an unrelenting barrage of toxic gamer children which ended up having more sway over their boss than them.
Which brings me to the next bit and that's FUCK THE CEO. He is now my mortal enemy #1. I am projecting psychic blasts directly into his brain. What an absolute spineless coward who is more willing to bow down to fucking gamers than to protect his own employees. This is absolutely rage inducing because this has happened before. From the article from 2021 about the toxic culture at Bungie:
Reading this shit from the new article absolutely fucking sent me into blind rage because I immediately remembered this. Another instance of employees suffering because of comments on reddit. And because of toxic players. And proof that leadership is not protecting employees and is instead siding with players.
Match made in heaven. Asshole gamer content creators and asshole CEOs, all of whom sit at home on piles of money made from someone else's labour. I hope they all explode. None of the people that worked on this game deserve this.
Another article with an infuriating comment from the CEO:
In an internal town hall meeting addressing a Monday round of layoffs that impacted multiple departments, Bungie CEO Pete Parsons allegedly told remaining employees that the company had kept “the right people” to continue work on Destiny 2.
"Kept the right people." Really. Veteran composers weren't the right people? Die!
Bloomberg article in full:
Bungie’s decision to cut an estimated 100 jobs from its staff of about 1,200 followed dire management warnings earlier this month of a sharp drop in the popularity of its flagship video game Destiny 2. Just two weeks ago, executives at the Sony-owned game developer told employees that revenue was running 45% below projections for the year, according to people who attended the meeting. Chief Executive Officer Pete Parsons pinned the big miss on weak player retention for Destiny 2, which has faced a poor reception since the release of its latest expansion, Lightfall. The next expansion, The Final Shape, was getting good — not great feedback — and management told those present that they planned to push back the release to June 2024 from February, according the people, who asked not to be identified because they weren’t authorized to speak publicly. The additional time would give developers a chance to improve the product. In the meantime, Parsons told staff Bungie would be cutting costs, such as for travel, as well as implementing salary and hiring freezes, the people said. Everyone would have to work together to weather the storm, he said, leaving employees feeling determined to do whatever was needed to get revenue back up. But on Monday morning the news got worse: Dozens of staffers woke up to mysterious 15-minute meetings that had been placed on their calendars, which they soon learned were part of a mass layoff. Bungie laid off around 8% of its employees, according to documentation reviewed by Bloomberg. Bungie didn’t respond to requests for comment. Employees who were let go will receive at least three months of severance and three months of Bungie-paid COBRA health insurance, although other benefits, such as expense reimbursements, ended Monday, sending some staff racing to submit their receipts. Laid-off staffers will also receive prorated bonuses, although those who were on a vesting schedule following Sony Group Corp.’s acquisition of Bungie in January 2022 will lose any shares that weren’t vested as of next month. The layoffs are part of a larger money-saving initiative at Sony’s PlayStation unit, which has also cut employees at studios such as Naughty Dog, Media Molecule and its San Mateo office. TD Cowen analyst Doug Creutz wrote in a report Monday that “events over the last few days lead us to believe that PlayStation is undergoing a restructuring.” PlayStation president Jim Ryan announced last month that he plans to resign. Many of the layoffs at Bungie affected the company’s support departments, such as community management and publishing. Remaining Bungie staff were informed that some of those areas will be outsourced moving forward.
#destiny 2#bungie#long post#and like i don't care what's anyone's opinion on lightfall. it doesn't matter#the expansion is fine. there's some bad shit in there as there is in every expansion#literally nothing on this earth was so bad to deserve the amount of vitriol that lightfall got#it was purely motivated by hate and rage from people who have clearly lost their interest in the game a long time ago#no one else normal enough would respond even to a weaker expansion this way. and lightfall wasn't even weaker#literally nothing ever released in destiny deserves to have comments bad enough to end up affecting employees#there's been some bad expansions/dlcs/seasons. whatever. none of them were like... gollum level. not even close#people genuinely treated lightfall like it personally killed their dog. it was insane. the reaction to it was insane.#it stemmed from people who should have stopped playing a long time ago and stopped being content creators for one game#i can't even properly explain just how long and tireless the ragebait content campaign for destiny has been#opening youtube and seeing 10 videos in a row of just complaining and bitching#opening twitter and seeing thousands upon thousands of posts and comments dedicated solely to hating the game#imagine being an employee trying to maintain some communication with the community#hippy was relentlessly bullied by people I've seen suddenly lamenting that she was fired. you caused this#they will never accept even a miniscule portion of the blame for this ofc. they will just keep claiming they don't have that influence#but they do. it's been proven years ago. in the same way#community comments DO reach devs and community comments DO influence what happens to them and the game#'the event is bad' 'meta is bad' 'pvp is bad' 'raid is bad' 'story is bad' stop playing. no longer asking.#it's a video game. if you hate it stop playing. you don't have to justify it to hundreds of thousands of people and take them with you#especially when it leads to employees taking the fall#so to all content creators who are appalled and baffled after spending 2 years hating the game: you did this.#and to the ceo even more: explode into dust and be forgotten
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LAURENCE HARVEY a.k.a. LARUSHKA MISCHA / ZVI MOSHEH SKIKNE (born october 1st, 1928 - died november 25th, 1973)
“I always believed in Laurence Harvey, even when nobody else did. Especially when nobody else did.”
“Most people imagined they knew and understood Larry with little trouble. That was a big mistake. They didn't know how deep and complex, how elusive, he remained behind his social mask.” - Paulene Stone, his wife
“I cannot yield to failure, it would make far too many people happy.”
#i care him (obscure actor nobody is talking about)#idk man i felt inspired to make this and ive been working on it for the past several hours at my job. i wish it was my job#so-called free thinkers when they remember a guy. anyway!#the first gif is from the wonderful world of the brothers grimm and we're lucky i was able to even get it bc its GONE from tubi 💔#fortunately i got it from some clip on youtube abt the restoration but i had to include something from that movie#with a vague theme in these gifs of lesser known. appearances. i guess#the second is from when a bunch of actors went to this birthday celebration for noel coward#the next is from password (his silly little mannerisms and the lady's eyebrow raise at the end is killing me)#and then celebrity bowling followed by columbo and then lastly welcome to arrow beach#for those of you if any that cared where these all came from#i just think he's neat (guy that i would like to make a documentary on)#and well he deserved a good gifset. maybe ill even make more . it could happen#you should all still watch the wonderful world of the brothers grimm. just maybe not some of his other movies ive suffered through#the columbo gif could look better but for some reason the gif maker made all the colors suck :( and thats the best it was gonna look#it was a battle against source quality and tumblrs gif size limit#i also considered making other gifs but you know what im happy w six (i don't have the patience to do more)#that post thats going around of like you have to follow people that are obsessed w old hollywood actors. im doing my part#youd love him. he was a bisexual sarcastic bitch . and i also think hes 😵💫 but that was probably obvious#laurence harvey#not bothering 2 tag the movies#happy larry day. which inspired all this
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#not to vague abt a particular niche of a fandom no one cares about BUT im losing my mind a bit#bc there's a ship that literally got me so invested that i read fanfiction for the 1st time. i adore them so much#i think their canon relationship is so fucking lovely and its bullshit what happened to them. if u kno u kno.#but now i go to ao3 and try to find fics and im like... yo y do these all fucking suck?#like i get it. no one has given a fuck abt this fandom since like the 2010s but i mean ive read lots of way better fics for waaaay#tinier fandoms. i guess thoses ppl just cared way more. no one gives enough of a fuck to write a good fic for these 2.#ugh. im probably just being a bitch. like is it bc its a heterosexual ship? is the bar really so low for writing straight relationships that#they have to b so fucking boring immediately???? like what the fuck is happening. i feel like im losing my mind#wheres the passion? where the dedication? wheres the willingness to die for eachother and fight side by side?#its all boring bullshit or weird self insert feeling smut. or maybe its me. maybe im the problem bc i refuse to read the fics that have#adultery and divorce in them bc im so in denial abt the ending of bleach that i cannot stand to even look at#the canon endgame ships. it makes me to angry. so yea maybe im the problem#i jus6 don't understand it. its the same for narut0 x s4suke fics. like????#did we watch the same show??? why tf r u writing them so weird and boring and wrong????#that one i them im right abt bc others have confirmed it. but idk abt these 2. my fucking original otp is cursed to toil away in bad#fanfiction. or maybe all the good fics r on ff dot net. but fuck if im gonna wade thru that hellsite#anyway. this is what u get when u get invested in terrible anime. i mean with peace and love it is my nostalgia show but like u kno#unrelated
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just saw someone saying that jared's acting in spn was bad... gonna commit heinous crimes
#they said i can't believe we suffered through such bad acting for the sake of dean and cas's storyline only for destiel to not be full canon#WHAT THE FUCK ????????#WHAT THE- WHAT THE FUCK#and then they tagged it 'j*red badalecki' OH MY FUCKING GOD#THAT'S SO STUPID AND IMMATURE FIRST OF ALL#jared is 100% one of the best actors on the show#no doubt#i genuinely... oh my god#destiel fans will be so fucked to the point that they'll use it as a reason to hate on not only sam but also jared ???#i'm sorry i hate supernatural fans so much wow#love you guys in our normal fun little corner of this website!!#. >> mari says shit !#and i'm not saying that jared is like my fav person and that you can't be critical of him or his acting#i just hate the way they went about it#it was very very stupid and unnecessarily#i don't care if you don't like him i just think y'all could come up with better constructive criticism <3#also there are bound to be bad acting moments#there's fifteen seasons of it straight like... it happens#can we just not be fuck ass bitches about it???#like... felicia day's acting was not great#do i still love charlie so much?? yes !#i do!#do i care?#no! i do not!#because i know how to be normal about things#:D anywayssss#this is like one of the least important horrible things about the spn fandom but i'm just getting increasingly bothered by this fandom
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it is a bit fucked that the main hurdle in this fandom is people not accepting that something that happened in the story was at the very least not consensual. despite explicit "i don't want this" just. being right there. in the text.
#benvey (not at all) vaguely bitching and moaning hour#between “the mind doesn't understand but the body does” and “if this was irl i'd consider it sa but i don't here because ???" the amount#of mental gymnastics i've seen is fascinating but very tiring. like. the baseline is that even if the author one day decides to drop the#ambiguity and just say “what happened was okay” that would be something worth criticizing and analyzing in itself wouldn't it?#and fine whatever i don't particularly care how people read the story for their own enjoyment. it's interesting to think about the whys but#you do you. i curate my space you curate yours. but of course not everyone does that and you get the same arguments and all these#attempts at convincing you that no no it was okay and sometimes there's an understandable expectation of a friendly conversation#on the topic. i guess. but all i can really think is “your understanding of consent is horrid” or just wonder why the person#even wants to talk to me when they have the “this is fiction” or “true love” approach which i clearly don't share. whatever!#anyways mother's gone home alone time. yuppie
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Also sorry to be in an increasingly pissy mood today but I'm also tired of everyone saying every game should have the popular feature du jour
#'everything should have a roguelike mode' I don't care and I'll bite your nose off#sorry I don't mean to sound like a hipster looking down on the popular thing like#I understand if people like it they like it and no one should let me being an asshole stop them#I'm just. so annoyed about things. I wish Pokémon would get better at what it does instead of trying to be everything else#and I feel stupid for not liking things everyone else likes because the reason I hate roguelikes is because I suck at them and I hate#action games because there's too much going on at once for me to follow what's happening#and I'm no matter how hard I try I can't git gud#and even games where I think I'm being clever are apparently to easy so#whatever ignore me#again I'm being a bitch
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Just finished my first playthrough of BG3. Romanced Lae'zel, but ending up turning into an Illithid because the idea of making Orpheus or Karlach do it didn't sit well with me (or my character).
I told Lae'zel to leave with Orpheus in the end (I heard she wouldn't stay with a ghaik anyway, which she's valid for, but also, it doesn't feel right to ask her to stay when I know how much her people mean to her). And like-
Her face before she flies off---
She looks so heartbroken and sad.
#emmodii rambles#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate series#lae'zel#spoilers#i don't regret my choices and i do love a good angsty story. but at the same time... OOF.#may you find a new source of joy in the astral realm my queen :'(#for anyone curious- i played a githyanki which i heard is the only race that can fly off with her or something?#but well. again- didn't quite fit my character to have someone else turn instead pfffft#ALSO HE'S A CLERIC OF ILMATER AND A REDEEMED DARK URGE. self-sacrifice is kiNDA TO BE EXPECTED HAHAHA.#anyway- do give romancing lae'zel a shot guys. she may be a hardass at first but it's really because she cares a lot#also slightly off-topic but as a dark urge gith... durge grew up in a city so like. wonder how out of place they woulda felt with the#other githyankis anyway. i think i read somewhere that a gith durge realises they don't really feel connected to creches and stuff#which is interesting and makes me curious about how exactly they were made. cuz they have the traits and knowledge of the race but didn't#grow up with them. i guess the easiest answer would be 'god magic shenanigans' but STILL.#trust me to overthink things hahaha XD#if anyone's curious what happened to my guy in the end--- we followed wyll and karlach to avernus hahaha#what are the devils gonna do? steal the soul we don't have?? TRY IT BITCH#of course i did reload multiple times to have my character kill himself. because that was another option that felt possible for his charact#...and also because i wanted to see how companions would react to it. krewfjewlkrjewklrjewl- although the narration for durge suicide#is also quite interesting! of course maybe that's just me being mentally ill eff (/lh) but having a kill that isn't going to murder daddy?#gives a redeemed durge some control and a final say at last. which is still sad but a nice way to tie up their death methinks#ANYWAY- time to go find a way to convert him into a full-on OC. elves and dwarves are one thing but giths are blatantly dnd so i'mma have#to figure that out for my own story lore and universe--- some kinda new species? humanify him? or convert to another existing general speci#hmm hmm hmmmmmmmmmm-#emmodii plays bg3
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well, girls night is over! that was a great ep! see you next week!
#this is a joke. but also i don't rly care what happens next nearly as much as i care to rewatch the last 2 hours#2h4m c3e77#text#critical role#cr3#cr lb#cr spoilers#laudna cr#imogen temult#fearne calloway#r: witchy bitches#delilah briarwood
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i could draw anything but i decided to draw this. carlo and rocco in 1932 aka my headache
#^ this isnt real ofc but its what happening inside their heads (well in carlo's at least)#mfs when their old friend doesn't break under manipulation#“Lift up the receiver I'll make you a believer” punching the wall with fist#rocco was the underboss not eddie can u hear me!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!! (capo henry situation in terms of complexity)#no m2 did smth to my brain and now im incapable of writing normal relationship between people#anyway. things that makes sense only to me rn unfortunately:#“AND YET ALAS I WELCOME YOU KNOWING ABOUT YOU” its carlo @ rocco but works both ways i think. RAHHHHHHHHH#YET YOU THINK WE'RE THE SAME RAHHHHHHHHH#youre not who u are to anyone these days im not who i am to anyone no not me at all these days not at all RAHHHHHHHHH#carlo who was afraid of rocco (for a reason) when he started to run the family rahhhhhhhhh#“That son of a bitch!.. I fuckin’ knew it!” <-watch me put a lot more meaning into a phrase that shouldn't make so much sense#2kczech need to pay me for developing rocco's character btw if u even care . and for writing this fucking falcone family backstory#“Холодный и острый осколок гранита; Смерть Голиафа в руке Давида”#<- “A cold and sharp shard of granite; Goliath's death in David's hand”#i've listened to this song too much it became certifed rocco song to me#let's say rocco helped carlo a lot w preparing moretti family for a new don. just bc i don't think it was this simple#“your capo killed your don lets all pretend that its cool and normal and it doesn't matter that he ran the family for 23 years😋😘”#avart#m2#i wont tag this w fandom tags dear god this shit is so delusional#dear god rocco been a gap and a blank spot in this story for so long but now i genuinely like him#tho i'm still not done with his character yet but there's enough for me to like him#sorry. not normal bout them. not at all .#rocco & carlo
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i love & live for your nailposting so i have to ask — do you have any tips on cuticle care??? i find that mine grow SUPER quickly and i constantly have to trim them back with cuticle clippers but i feel like they never…. Look Nice™️.
first of all THANK YOU and the 10 other ppl who like my nailposting. second, it's hard to give specific tips w/o knowing anything about your Bod, but general tips that are always applicable are just like. push them back frequently, esp when they're soft like right after your hands have gotten wet, or you've moisturized. also def recommend using a cuticle oil every once in awhile, daily if possible! you can homebrew a cuticle oil by just using jojoba and vitamin E, if you wanna be a little cheap abt it and/or you're sensitive to fragrances, Like Moi. (premade cuticle oil is generally Scented.) using cuticle nippers and trimming them is sick and I also do it every once in awhile, but keeping them Pushed Back and Not Dry is the first line of defense, I think! if you're snipping really often, though, it can actually make the regrowth a little Worse. edit: I ALMOST FORGOT about doing cuticle cleanup with a dissolvent. they make lots of kinds, I have a sally hansen one, it comes in a little blue bottle. For the dead skin that's actually climbing up the nail plate and sticking to it, you'd apply this stuff for a minute or so, and then scrape off the (newly softened) dead skin with a little orangewood stick/cuticle pusher.
#some people are scared of the cuticle remover gels but they're not scary#I think bc it says on the back like. Let Sit for 15 Seconds. and everyone's like WHAT HAPPENS AFTER 15 SECONDS#nothing happens to Moi. I leave it longer than that. just wash your hands when you're done cleaning up your cuticles#the oil is really the biggest tip for me like. I say that for every nail related fix#bc it's also good for the health of the whole nail#and yeah like. some people don't like the sensation of Pushing Back the cuticle?#so ik this may be just a Me thing but I don't mind it. so I push mine back ALL the time#It definitely seems to help keep on top of things#and then yeah when/if you do have scragglies that you need to snip.. snip snip bitch!!#nailposting#sergle answers#long post#cuticles for me are like. I didn't particularly think about them until I started painting my nails a lot#but they really fuck up polish application so now I CARE A LOT#so now it's become just a sort of Passive Maintenance
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I woke up to this and am really thinking about this
#this guy proudly proclaims being an ''extremely progressive bisexual interested in expanding democracy & ending poverty''#how progressive and effective in ending poverty by ranting about helping OTHER countries when natural disasters destroyed all the resources#what do I expect from someone that brings up democracy unironically though#when these people realize you gotta make change for your OWN place of living first if you wanna have this mindset I will know peace#sounds like my damn mother if she wasn't racist you gotta choose something to put work into and stop fretting over the whole world#yeah it fucking sucks and needs to be addressed but what are you gonna do by bitching on a fascist social media site?#you're not ending world hunger by ignoring the very people you spout performative nonsense in the name of#you may be a POC too sir but in the end you are also American you're not immune to what the Residue(tm) did to POC here#sue me for saying I don't really keep up with most politics because I can't vote or anything but fuck even I know this shit#care about politics and changing lives? do something to make that happen because bitching ion the internet isn't changing anything#I'm not even fucking mad I'm just in AWE because I've NEVER encountered one of these people responding to ME before#I'm speechless yet have so much to say because I got this reminder that this really isn't deemed common sense like it is to me#this is my most popular tweet too and it's a damn political reply I'm kinda pissed at that though dhyuigbfuyh#EDIT I JUST REALIZED THAT HE'S NOT EVEN GOT ANY AUTHORITY TO SPEAK ON THIS SHIT BECAUSE HE'S 4TH GEN ARLINGTONIAN#say to my Native ass that the fascist regime should collapse by destroying the whole country to help the reservations boy#you're throwing yourself into the gringo corner of your own volition this is too funny
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My ex is at it again
#having to deal with her almost on a daily basis is hard#and she's still a bitch to me everytime she can as if i was the one treating her like shit when we were together#and ofc the girl she got with like 5 days after we broke up left her#no doubts in my mind it would happen because really#people like that act all nice and sweet and caring until you slightly disappoint them and then snap at you with no warning like wtf#it just hurts because what she did to me can't be undone and even though i tried during the last weeks to be normal when we interact#cause i have to interact with her most of the times#she's just passive aggressive and borderline offensive and for what?#i tried to let go because with my mental health i can't afford to torture myself with those memories too#the alternative was leaving martial arts but i didn't want to because i love that sport its important to me and helps me cope with things#i'm just bitter and sad and i try to keep my composure but it affects me more than i'm ready to admit cause i don't think i deserve it#tw vent#tw mental health
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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop
#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good#but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside#it IS making me better at my job though#.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know#on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me#i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually#i traded a month with him to have another month with her#he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories#I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far#but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders#so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year#also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies#but I've been in scarier situation i can manage#and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man#but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space#with strong aspects of praise kink#pathetic is what it is really#but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right#I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit#I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST#........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess#yeah it's just like an infected wound right now#angry red throbbing hot pain#i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing#it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation#it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it#it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work#the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to#I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right
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