#i don’t think i will touch trk again for a while

[deargravity]

i’d rather be waterboarded for information i don’t possess than relive losing noah czerny to the currents of time. i can only go through so much

[cabeswaterdrowned]

ok so 100% i will show up here!!

but YEAH you bring up a really really good point in your tags about andrew on medication vs off of it, and how the fandom tends to pick certain traits to carry over from one to the other and i think that's definitely something to be looked at more!

obviously there IS a shift in andrew's behavior in TKM when he's off his meds, but he as a person is the same still, and his traits haven't changed so much as shifted? i feel? like you said, he's more quiet off his meds because he has less energy, but his sense of humor is the same, and so and on and so forth

i haven't gotten the chance yet to go through the other two books yet in the same way i went through the first one, but Andrew's relationship with touch is DEFINITELY something i will paying close attention to when i do!

also i actually really like how you said Andrew was tactile: i think that is a very good way to describe him! immediately i thought of the scenes when the Monsters go shopping- both when they are buying Neil new clothes in TFC and when they are halloween costume shopping in TRK. I think both scenes have Andrew wondering around and touching everything. the one in TFC at least has him touching and pulling clothes off of hangers. and like,,, as a relatively tactile person myself i think it 100% fits him, because i also have a habit of touching things a lot when i am bored or under-stimulated!

so i think that in the context of how often he touches Neil is something that could absolutely use more thought and recognition!

(sorry if this is kind of ramble-y, i am simply brain dumping as i go--)

Yeah I think “shifted” is a fair way to look at it because essentially the differences the medications seems to bring to Andrew are that he again has way more energy which results in him being more talkative and that element people see as making him … somewhat more “productive” and it generally brings up or tones down how he naturally is to be more palatable to others (the smiling and stuff) and it’s sort of characterized as being like an intoxication so his inhibitions might be lowered which all seems really terrifying for someone with his background, which is the point that it’s not really to help him but everyone around him :/. but that does not mean they’re different people or everything about his behavior for 2/3 of the series should be disregarded completely. And I think sober Andrew has more personality in general than is sometimes portrayed in fic like obviously he conveys it in a more muted way because of apathy/depression but it’s very much there.

I think I once saw Andrew’s tactileness in those brought up specifically in the context of someone framing a headcanon about him being autistic which is a reading I find interesting but I don’t have expertise to really speak on that and also don’t remember that post enough to anyway. I do wonder if him specifically touching Neil off and on throughout those books has something to do with him not being able to figure him out or not seeing how he could be real (the latter not literally) ? but idk it’s been a while since I last reread

[peaceoutofthepieces]

“Stay the night. Please” for pynch? <333

decided to make this an angsty post-trk, pre-epilogue fic, and I’m hoping it doesn’t feel too out of date and you still enjoy ❤️

12. “Stay the night. Please.”

Monmouth felt quiet, even though it was as full as it got. They’d all silently agreed to return to the building together, despite Maura asking them to come back to Fox Way where she could watch over them. Blue had seemed to consider it, but the rest of them were more used to taking care of themselves and each other. She’d seemed to want to go where Gansey went much more, and Gansey wanted to go home.

They all went where Gansey went. It was an even stronger desire now than before.

It might have been the silence that made it feel empty. Gansey and Blue were curled on Gansey’s bed, Blue still clinging tightly to his hand, with Cheng sprawled at their feet. Adam didn’t think he’d ever seen Henry so subdued. It shouldn’t have seemed like the strangest thing about today.

That felt like Ronan, sat at the opposite side of the couch from Adam, as silent and still as he had been that day in the car when grief overcame him, the restlessness tucked down deep and only visible in the depths of his eyes.

Adam had hoped for his presence to offer some quiet comfort, then. Now he was staring at the bruises on Ronan’s neck with fear clogging his own throat.

Maybe it was that they could feel the lack of Noah’s presence in the place he’d so long occupied. His complete absence sucked out a pocket of sound they hadn’t known was ever present and left Adam’s good ear ringing. His limbs felt dead without Cabeswater tickling his veins. The unexpected grief was overwhelming.

He couldn’t imagine how it felt to Ronan.

The only thing overpowering the hurt was the relief. Having Gansey with them felt like a blessing they hadn’t thought to pray for, despite all the warnings they’d had. Just as Blue hadn’t managed to peel away from him, Ronan hadn’t taken his eyes off of him once. Adam understood. He was also waiting for the farce to wear off, for the trick to reveal itself and strip what they had left away from them. They were all supposed to come home, and half of them almost hadn’t.

Half of them, Adam couldn’t stop thinking. Noah, and Gansey, and Ronan, whose life Adam could still feel slipping away beneath his hands. Squeezed out of him by his hands.

Perhaps the building felt so quiet, so still, because Adam’s insides were such a riot that the outside seemed behind glass.

It made Gansey’s interruption startling loud. “This is unusually somber,” he said lightly. They all only watched him. He gave Blue a careful jostle. “Since when have you let me quiet you, Jane?”

Blue cuddled against him and squeezed his hand tightly, and Adam felt a pang of longing as his gaze shot back to Ronan. Ronan’s leg had started jingling. “Enjoy it while it lasts,” Blue said, aiming for teasing and landing on tired. “I don’t care how annoying you are today.”

Cheng patted Gansey’s leg, and even his grin seemed to fall flat. “Free pass, Gansey-boy. You’re a lucky man.”

Ronan’s jaw twitched, his usual explosive anger bubbling, ready to destroy to avoid self-destruction. Adam’s hand made an aborted movement towards him that he hoped no one caught.

“Lynch,” Gansey said, painfully gentle. “Help me out. You’re not the quiet type.”

Adam watched Ronan bristle as Cheng snorted, which was admittedly a bold move. “Ah yes, surely Lynch has a way with words.”

It should have earned some very particular words, but instead Ronan stared at them in his stubborn silence, then lurched to his feet and into his room. The door swallowed him with a bang, and Adam jumped in his seat.

Gansey was already edging off his bed, but the movement was sluggish, and he didn’t seem too excited to shake off Blue’s reluctant grip. Adam didn’t pause to think before rising. He told himself he was doing the right thing as Gansey met his gaze and seemed to relax.

I’ve got him, he tried to communicate; though he hardly believed it himself. But Gansey smiled, and his gaze held that unbearable fondness it usually did, and he nodded. A bubble of courage popped in Adam’s chest and left him striding after Ronan.

He didn’t knock, partially because he didn’t want to talk to Ronan through a door with their friends watching and mostly because he knew Ronan wouldn’t answer. He nudged his way in quietly, shutting the door with a click instead of a slam. The only indication that Ronan heard him was a half turn of his head. He was sitting on the far side of his bed with his back to Adam, gently ruffling Chainsaw’s feathers.

Adam lingered by the door, and they remained in a stalemate.

Then Ronan said, “You just come to gawk, Parrish?”

Adam could have teased back, should have, knew it was the best opening for him to take—the only one Ronan would offer. Instead he heard the scratch and scrape of Ronan’s raw tone and blurted, “I’m sorry.”

It was so quiet he wasn’t sure Ronan would hear him, but he whirled around fully and looked at Adam. Adam was surprised to see his defenses dropped down. The lingering panic was visible in him, and he swept his gaze over Adam quickly, as if suddenly needing to make sure he was still in one piece. Then he met Adam’s eyes and shook his head.

“Don’t,” he murmured. He held his hand out; it drooped after a moment as Adam hesitated. Ronan’s previous panic slipped into sadness, and Adam went to him.

Then: the relief.

Ronan latched onto Adam’s hand the moment he was within reach and clung. He caressed with his thumb and squeezed with his fingers and reached out until Adam presented his other hand. Ronan drew the first until they were pressed over his heart, and brought the second to his lips.

Adam shook his head as Ronan kissed his knuckles, filled with disbelief. “You can’t—“ he choked, then made a wretched noise as Ronan kissed the pads of his fingers. “Ronan.”

“I know your hands,” Ronan murmured. “They don’t feel like that did.”

Adam sucked in a breath, then huffed. He wanted to believe they hadn’t touched enough for Ronan to be so sure, because Adam was flinty with his affection and didn’t know how to offer it at the best of times. But for the moment they’d been allowed to share it, Ronan had handled him with such reverence that Adam thought maybe he had been memorized. Who knows how many times Ronan had felt it since, or how long Ronan he’d been waiting to begin with to know what to replicate in his dreams.

It was an odd thought, a prideful one of the vain thread that Adam didn’t frequently have. He’d been doubting himself even more than normal these past few hours, unsure if Ronan would want him any longer, or how he possibly could.

But with Ronan finally looking at him, he felt ridiculous for believing it could be different.

Ronan’s expression smoothed out, as if he could see Adam’s acceptance and allowed himself to relax. But then he was letting go of Adam’s hands, and Adam hurt for the instant it took for Ronan’s arms to wind around his waist.

Adam let himself be pulled, stepping into the space between Ronan’s knees and cradling his head with special care. It took a few minutes of Ronan nuzzling him before he felt brave enough to brush his hands over Ronan’s shorn scalp, trailing them down to his neck then quickly retreating again.

“Adam,” Ronan said.

Adam wound his arms around him, sliding down into a crouch so he could hold Ronan against his shoulder. He let out a breath as Ronan kissed his jaw. “Why’d you run?” Adam asked.

Ronan shrugged, sinking closer.

“He’s okay,” Adam said, quietly.

Ronan nodded. He clutched at Adam’s back. “Are you?” Without looking at him, he could somehow tell Adam had a protest brewing, and reminded him, “It hurt you, too.”

“I’m fine.”

“Great. Me too.”

“Ronan.”

“Adam.”

“Be serious.”

“Stay the night. Please.”

Adam froze. He made to pull back, but Ronan held tight, pressing his face to Adam’s neck and resolutely not looking at him. “That’s what I wanted to ask,” Ronan continued quickly. “That’s why I left. Because even fucking Cheng is going to stay because Gansey wants him to and that’s fucking fabulous, and I know you would too. But I don’t—there’s not—“

“I’m here,” Adam said, understanding. He wasn’t as good at this as Ronan, which was saying something, because Ronan was awful. Adam wanted to give him everything. He could start with a little bit of himself. “I want to stay with you.”

Ronan let out a shuddering breath. “Yeah?”

Adam nodded. He didn’t care that Ronan was almost crushing him now. The overpowering strength that should have made him shy away was somehow the most comforting touch Adam had ever felt. All in knowing Ronan was holding on when his senses should have urged him to let go.

“Gansey wants you here more than anything,” Adam added. “He was ready to follow you right away.”

“Maggot and Henry-fucking-Cheng holding him hostage?”

Adam huffed. “No. Well, they might have, but I don’t think he would have let them. But I wanted to come.”

Ronan pulled back to look at him now, and like always, Adam gravitated towards him. Ronan’s touch gentled for their kiss, his hand raising to cradle Adam’s jaw and keep him in place. It was unnecessary now—Adam didn’t want to go anywhere. But he wouldn’t protest Ronan’s touch, not when it was lovely enough to wipe away the terribleness of the day, when it felt like a whisper of Cabeswater against his skin. It made Adam pull Ronan closer, cupping a hand around the back of his neck. He stroked it in silent apology, his chest constricting, and Ronan kissed him harder.

“Stay,” Ronan repeated. It was more than a request for the night.

Adam nodded. “Okay.” They remained there until Adam’s thighs burned and he finally had to draw himself up. He winced as his knees cracked, but didn’t let go of Ronan. “Shall we go back out for a bit?”

Ronan did his smoker’s breath, then nodded. “I’ve done enough sleeping on the floor for you, though, Parrish. They can have their three-way out there, but I have a perfectly fucking good bed.”

Adam’s lips threatened to curve in a grin. “So, the couch—“

“Parrish,” Ronan groaned, face mushed to Adam’s stomach.

Adam laughed. “I’m kidding. Message clearly received.”

Ronan smiled; not his sharp grin, but a small, soft thing, as gentle as the lips he once again pressed to Adam’s hand before rising. “Come on, then.”

He held out his hand, and Adam didn’t hesitate.

Prompt List

[sulkybbarnes]

I just saw your post about misinterpreting characters. It was tagged with Adam and Bucky (two of my favorite fictional characters) and though I feel like that when I sometimes read fanfics, I can never just put my finger on it and I'd love to read your take on it!

Oh lord where do I even start... alright, this might get long so apologies in advance, but I have nearly a decade’s worth of thoughts on this. The short answer is: both characters often get severely over simplified, stripped away from essential characteristics, and their understandable reaction to their respective trauma gets overlooked in order to make them more “palatable” and to favor other characters in fics. 

The long answer: 

Let’s start with Adam Parrish. We meet Adam when he’s only 17 years old and we learn that he is an abuse survivor who comes from severe poverty, and along the way we witness trauma that leads to Adam having a disability, and later on learnt hat Adam is bisexual. Adam’s character is very realistic to someone in his position, so that he’s flawed and has issues to work through as the series goes along. These issues are presented at the start of the series through two unreliable narrators: Gansey who is proud and often self-victimizing, and Adam himself who is very introspective and lives in fear of turning into his father. Thus the characteristics the text gives us is that Adam is “cold and calculating” which is courtesy of Gansey, and that Adam is lonesome and prone to anger/arguing with his friends which is Adam’s own worries and insecurities manifesting in his chapters. And yes sure Adam at the start is -understandably- angry with the world at large and feels as if he’s ten steps behind everyone and playing catch-up, but he’s also visibly self-aware and constantly trying to curb any anger and moderate his reactions (even when they’re justified). The book also shows us through actions that Adam is sweet and thoughtful from how he acts around Blue, and shows that he develops as the books go on to be more aware of his actions, more confident in his own goodness, and more willing to show love and allow himself to be loved in return. The later books (BLLB, TRK, Opal story, CDTH) all show an Adam who is kind (his interactions with Opal), thoughtful (his constant thinking about Ronan’s feelings and not wanting to act before he knows he’s as serious/sure about them as Ronan is), a good friend (I’m just gonna.. gesture at the whole Blue/Gansey thing and how gracefully Adam handled it when they didn’t even deign to give him the benefit of the doubt), and a very loving person (which we see in his every interaction with Ronan from TRK onwards). So that’s Adam Parrish, complex and flawed but inherently a good person and a good character. 

However, Fanon Adam Parrish is a different story all together because he is often stripped to whatever bare essentials would serve the fic he is in. SO, in fandom you see an Adam who is either cruel and cold, as to serve some infantilizing hurt angsty version of Ronan. You see an Adam who is angry and prone to lashing out, to serve posts about Gansey being an angel who’s faultless and constantly hurt by his friends. You see an Adam who is disrespectful and hurtful to serve posts about why it was okay for Blue and Gansey to behave the way they did to him. Or on the complete opposite end, you get an Adam who is demure, shy, and almost disgustingly helpless to serve in a fic where he needs saving or some misguided hurt/comfort thing. Adam also often gets stripped away in the latter fics from any rightful anger or sharpness that relates to his trauma. Said anger is treated as something that makes him an unlovable or annoying character (you can find these takes everywhere in trc fandom), and therefore people need to overlook it to make him more palatable to them. Adam’s anger, as we see in CDTH, is often turned inwards and is an on-going struggle for him because it still feels at times as him against the world. It’s one of the best things about his character if you ask me, because it is what he grows out of the most, and what he continues to face and develop against. This trait makes him human and shows his vulnerability. Adam in canon is touch starved and loves fiercely, but in fanon the anger he displays gets used to paint him as unfeeling or constantly angry. Even though Adam shows anger only as much as any other character in the series, and often in a way less explosive (Ronan) or hurtful (Gansey) or entitled (Blue) manner. And so the point is that fandom takes away the complexity that makes Adam Parrish who he is, and molds him into whatever is easiest to digest and shove into a box that works better for the other characters. Adam’s development and arc get completely overlooked most of the time. He is often misinterpreted as one shallow thing, when he is a beautiful mix of emotions that make him Adam Parrish, and make him endearingly and painfully human and real.

Bucky Barnes, my original fave guy, follows strongly along the same lines. All you have to do is change names and events from what I said before and you’ll get how fandom treats Bucky. What I adore about Buck’s character is that he was established instantly as fiercely loyal, loving, fun, a good friend, and someone who is so important to Steve that we see Steve take on a suicide mission to get to Bucky. The progression of the other movies deals with Buck’s trauma and shows all the new aspects to his character that stem from said trauma, while maintaining the undercurrent of goodness and humor that we saw from pre-war Bucky. But once again, the complexity of Bucky’s character and his storyline; the trauma, the PTSD, and the fact that m*rvel never lets him heal, all boils down to fandom only choosing what they find palatable about Bucky and leading with that. I have less to say about this only because I’ve been a fan for too long, and have learned to conduct myself so that I don’t run into upsetting posts anymore, and read fics with a tone and characterization that works for me, but there’s a lot of content out there that strips Buck of his characteristics so much that he might as well be an OC. I will say that you might get more leeway with content based on a movie, than you do with content based on a book (where everything is glaringly obvious in the text), but I still have to roll my eyes at most content I see for Bucky, where he’s either helpless and waiting for someone to save (did we watch the same movies??), innocent and naive in how he conducts himself (...did we watch the same movies?!), or he’s unflinchingly cool and cold and unfeeling (seriously, DID WE WATCH THE SAME MOVIES?!). So once again the endpoint is that Bucky’s misinterpretation comes from a shallow understanding of his character, or complete lack of care about how he’s portrayed so that only one trait -whatever is needed for a fic or a post- is central and amplified while everything else he is falls away. I’m not pretentious enough to say that people can’t just have fun with a character and write whatever they want about it, because they absolutely can.. I’m just saying that it’s not my cup of tea and I wouldn’t read it. In fact, I only made a couple of attempts years ago at writing Bucky myself and then decided that I would rather read well-written things about him, than try and get it right myself because I’d get all in my emotions about his character. 

Tl;dr The theme of having your autonomy taken away and fighting like hell to get it back, and remaining good along the way is what makes both Adam and Bucky so close to my heart. Their respective trauma and complexity is what makes me love them both a lot, and I wish fandom didn’t often strip them away of their complexity to make them easier for fandom to digest.

[pynches]

Hello! So this fic request was inspired by your one story where Adam falls into a lake and almost drowns (which I loved by the way,as I do all your fics and edits) and it made me think of Ronan teaching Adam how to swim the summer after trk. 😊😊

a/n im really happy you liked that fic (and my edits ajsdhf) and i absolutely adored writing this prompt so i hope you love this one as well!word count: 1605tw: no warnings! like anywhere this is very fluffy!

“Adam? Can we talk?”

And there it was, the inevitability of what Ronan was going to say next. Adam had prepared himself for this moment, the feeling of it coming having nothing to do with his newfound psychic abilities.

“Sure,” he managed to say, sounding more casual than he thought he would’ve been able to manage. Ronan poked right through the facade however, like he had been able to do for a while now.

He raised a single eyebrow.

Adam’s hands were shaking when he opened the door to the bedroom they slept in together whenever Adam was at the Barns, which was almost every day since they got together only weeks earlier.

Adam sat down on the bed and immediately looked down at his hands. He heard Ronan sigh faintly and felt the bed dip next to him. “Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Ronan asked, playing with his leather wrist bands.

Adam hated the uncertainty in his voice. “Maybe,” he decided on, taking one of Ronan’s hands in his own.

Ronan huffed, “That’s not an answer, Parrish.”

Adam knew what Ronan wanted.

The truth.

Something seemingly easy to Ronan. Truths rolled off his tongue, sharp and poisonous, but true nonetheless. Ronan abashedly told you what he thought, even if it ended up breaking you beyond healing.

Adam was a liar.

But he tried not to be, even if it was just to please Ronan. There was a lot he would do nowadays to please Ronan. It scared him a little.

“I can’t swim.”

A truth.

“My parents never taught me.”

Another truth.

“I don’t care.”

A lie.

Blue had begged him to go swimming with them the last time they went to the beach and Adam had refused, even when Ronan had looked at him with disappointment in his eyes, not exactly at Adam but more at his refusal to spend those precious hours they had with him.

Adam had shrugged at him and averted his eyes, desperate to hide the disappointment mirrored in his own eyes. He had watched his friends go and he was left behind, once again hindered by his inability to do something, to have something they did have. The ability to swim in this case.

He could feel Ronan look at him but he didn’t dare to look back. He didn’t know what Ronan was going to find in his eyes but he knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.

Ronan stood from the bed when Adam continued his unbreakable silence. Adam had the urge to grab Ronan’s wrist and hold onto it, to prevent him from leaving because Adam fucked up once again. He heard the door slam between them when he didn’t which wasn’t unusual for Ronan. Everything Ronan came across had dealt with the underlying anger that was constantly burning in one way or another even when there was nothing that had sparked that anger. This time Adam feared it had been him that dropped the flame.

He was about ready to leave The Barns and make a break for it, running back to St. Agnes like the coward he was but then he was hit in the face with a piece of fabric.

“They’re Matthew’s,” was the only explanation Ronan gave. “They should fit you.”

Adam’s hand clenched around the swimming trunks and nearly threw it back in Ronan’s face. “This is not funny, Lynch,” he said through gritted teeth.

“I’m not kidding, Adam,” Ronan said.

Adam believed him.

“Then what-“

“I’m going to teach you how to swim,” Ronan said with a shrug, moving around Adam to get into his own pair.

Normally when Ronan undressed, Adam stared at him because it was Ronan undressing. Now, he just gawked at him dumbly. “You’re going to do what now?”

Adam could feel Ronan’s eyes rolling, even with his back turned to him.

“For fuck’s sake, Adam,” Ronan said not unkindly. “I’m going to teach you how to swim so you can join us next time.”

Adam bit his lip, preventing him from spilling out the familiar words. I’m not a charity case and I won’t be treated as such. I don’t need your help, I am my own independent person and I can do it myself.

Instead, he quickly exchanged his jeans for the swimming trunks before he could change his mind. Ronan nodded at him approvingly and shot him a sharp grin. “Need some of Matthew’s floaties too?”

“Prick,” Adam said but smiled nonetheless.

Adam wasn’t smiling now with the cold water hitting his ankles and Ronan pulling on his arm to drag him in further. His nervousness didn’t stem from distrust, he knew Ronan wouldn’t just let him drown but more so from the fear of not being able to do it, even though, in the back of his mind, he knew almost everybody should be able to.

But his relationship with Ronan was new, even if it felt like it wasn’t. There was familiarity in Ronan’s touches already, in the way his fingers wrapped around his wrist, always pulling him along into reckless activities Adam never ended up regretting.

Adam wasn’t going to regret this one either.

He let himself be led further into the sea, now waist-deep in the cold water. Ronan was surprisingly patient now, watching Adam carefully for even the slightest grimace or twitch of his eye.

“Do you know how to float?” Ronan asked, his voice not unkind. Adam shook his head sadly, another sign of defeat splayed out in the open.

Ronan nodded and urged Adam to wade in further until the water was hitting his chest. Ronan let go of his wrists and wove his arms around Adam’s waist, the heat of his skin a stark contrast against the ice-cold of the sea he was still getting used to.

When Ronan reached down to hold Adam’s legs too, carrying him in a bridal style position, he didn’t ask if Adam trusted him, if he was allowed to do this. He already knew the answer.

He lifted Adam slightly and Adam let his head fall back, flinching at the cold water seeping into his ears. Ronan laughed softly and continued to hold him as Adam got used to the water surrounding him, feeling how it held him up alongside Ronan.

“You can let go,” Adam said softly, not wanting to break the peacefulness of the moment. Ronan let go of him slowly, giving him every chance to ask for the safety of his arms again. But Adam wasn’t one to back out, he gave himself over to the unpredictability of the sea.

He felt himself drift off but he knew Ronan was still close by. He let himself gaze up to the blue sky, try to see shapes in the clouds that passed him by until Ronan touched him softly, asking if he was ready for another lesson.

Adam nodded but didn’t move either. He heard Ronan laughed faintly, the sound distorted underwater. Two hands gripped his shoulders and dragged him further into the sea.

The bottom had fallen away when Adam tried to stand again. He would’ve sunk if it wasn’t for Ronan’s quick arms wrapping around him. “Looks like it’s water-treading next.”

“When are you going to teach me how to actually swim?” Adam asked impatiently after following Rowan’s instruction to kick the water as hard as he could.

“When you’re not two seconds away from drowning,” Ronan said with a roll of his eyes. He let Adam’s waist go slowly, nodding approvingly when he kept his head above water.

Ronan deemed him ready after a few minutes of this. Adam’s legs were already burning but he wasn’t one to admit defeat. He kept going, no matter the costs.

He moved his arms and legs as Ronan instructed and laughed freely when he moved forward. Adam lost his concentration for a second and went under but Ronan had him lifted against his chest in a heartbeat.

Adam was still laughing.

“I thought you were going to die,” Ronan said, his voice jokingly patronising but Adam recognised the real concern lying just beneath the surface.

“I was under for one second,” Adam responded with a roll of his eyes, his tone amusing enough to make the situation more serious than it was. Still, the words held a quiet ‘I’m okay’ within them which made the frown finally disappear off of Ronan’s face.

They spend the entire afternoon like this, slowly swimming, Adam’s movements more confident and sure, Ronan’s cheering and laughter louder as the day passed them by.

They exchanged lazy kisses too, the weightlessness of the water a perfect reenactment of what they already felt when they kissed each other. It was freeing and peaceful, fluid in its familiarity.

They stayed until it became too dark to see each other, hands clasped together as they walked back to Ronan’s car that would take them back home to the Barns. Every second they could touch each other, they did, savouring the feeling of each other’s skin on their own before it was too late. It was Adam’s fingers trailing over Ronan’s bare arm as he drove them back, Ronan’s arms wrapped around his waist as they showered together, just keeping each other close, nothing more. It was them curled up in front of the TV after, too wrapped in each other to pay attention to the screen.

The next time the group went swimming, Adam joined to everybody’s glee and if he spent most of his time with Ronan, enjoying the little time before he left together, then that was nobody’s business but theirs.

[astudyinfreewill]

DA but touching someone's back isn't a sexual act even if it is described as sensual it doesn't qualify. also the drug exchange was done to encourage Ronan to do more dreaming it wasn't done with the intent of instigating contact or paralysing. Plus while Ronan didn't consent to being touched he did consent to all the effects of the drug since he agreed to take it knowing it was a different drug and chose not to ask about the effects.

oh, okay. so we’re playing the victim-blaming game? because, yes, that is what you are doing. 

alright. i’ll bite. on the (very) off chance that you genuinely misunderstood the text and are not clear on what consent IS. but this is the last ask i’ll answer on this topic for tonight. i wrote 3 thousand words of cdth meta today, with one throwaway mention of kavinsky assaulting ronan - which he absolutely did - and i am not going to shine a spotlight on kavinsky any longer than i have to, since he’s thankfully out of the new series. so any further asks on this topic (especially anonymous ones clearly meant in a polemic tone) will be deleted.

i’m putting this under a read more for length and upsetting themes, but just to clear this up right out of the gate: Drugging someone to take away their agency is ALWAYS a violation of consent. Intoxicated and/or misinformed consent is bad consent. Consent to one thing is not a blanket consent to all things, and consent can ALWAYS be retracted.

okay then. on we go.  

“touching someone’s back isn’t a sexual act even if it is described as sensual it doesn’t qualify”

the main argument i’m seeing in your opening statement is “it wasn’t sexual assault because genitals were not involved”, which… at the very best of interpretations then makes it straight up assault. not much better. you can quibble over the definition of just how sexual is sexual, if you want, but at the end of the day, it’s still unwanted physical contact being forced on someone, and if your only defense for it is “no dicks were involved so it’s fine”, i suggest you do some soul-searching.

in any case: kavinsky’s intention was clearly sexual. we know he’s sexually interested in ronan. we know he wants ronan to show sexual interest in him (which ronan doesn’t do, at any point). it’s pretty clear where kavinsky’s mind is at, and if you think he was just doing some ~friendly~ touching of ronan’s back, you know, ~like bros~, then i invite you to read the text again and actually understand it this time.

plus, ronan was LITERALLY almost unconscious, so we don’t know what happened. it seems like kavinsky stopped before it got even farther. did he change his mind? was he simply too high off his head to enforce more explicitly sexual contact on ronan? we don’t know. but he could have done anything he wanted to him. 

you want word-of-god confirmation that was kavinsky did was fucked up? here is a screenshot taken from one of maggie’s posts all the way back in 2014, including the infamous line “consent is overrated”, which of course doesn’t tell you anything AT ALL about kavinsy’s attitude towards sexual assault:

“the drug exchange was done to encourage ronan to do more dreaming, it wasn’t done with the intent of instigating contact or paralysing.”

FALSE. 100%, COMPLETELY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY FALSE. kavinsky KNOWS what his pills do. the green ones send you instantly to sleep and violently throw you into a dream. the red pill didn’t make ronan fall asleep OR start dreaming. the only purpose of the red pill IS to paralyse ronan. i am astounded at the willful misinterpretation here. 

this is without even taking into consideration the fact that by the point kavinsky gives ronan the pill explicitly meant to paralyse him, ronan is also drunk off his head, because kavinsky provided him with gallons of beer and no food apart from some candy. they have been drinking and taking sleeping pills for hours at best, days at worst. this would already make it questionable ground for one party to touch the other without explicit consent. 

and before you say “but ronan chose to drink”: sure. ronan is also suicidal at this point in time, and has a drinking problem. plus there is at least one instance of kavinsky pouring beer directly into ronan’s mouth while he’s paralysed from dreaming and can’t move.

“plus while Ronan didn’t consent to being touched he did consent to all the effects of the drug since he agreed to take it knowing it was a different drug and chose not to ask about the effects.” 

okay, see, THIS? this is victim-blaming, and it’s shitty. let’s go over it.

kavinsky doesn’t OFFER ronan the drug and give him a chance to refuse it. kavinsky PUTS the pill on ronan’s tongue while ronan is already completely wasted, his reactions slow. for all we know, he swallowed it without even really thinking – sometimes it’s an instinctive reaction, like when you force a child to take medicine.

ronan DOES ask what the pill does - even if it’s too late because he’s already swallowed it - and kavinsky refuses to answer.

ronan IMMEDIATELY CHANGES HIS MIND. this is so important. SO important. i don’t know who needs to hear it but i know someone does. consent is not irrevocable and forever. just because you’ve consented to something doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. just because you let someone do something to you in the past doesn’t mean they always have the right to do it to you (even if this was good consent to begin with, which it never was, because ronan is intoxicated to begin with, and kavinsky is giving him drugs without disclosing the effects). 

once more with feeling: if you change your mind and someone still forces something on you, it’s not your fault; it’s theirs, and yes, it is still a violation.

also this provides a really good tie-in to your previous argument that “the purpose wasn’t to paralyse ronan but to help him dream”. look at the text. it LITERALLY says that this pill didn’t send you to sleep, it simply made you pliant and unable to fight back. please take off your bias goggles and take in the text.

as for how ronan experiences that totally not sexualised, casual bro-touching of his back?

kavinsky touching ronan’s tattoo is framed as a sexually loaded act not just here but earlier in the book, when ronan has a sex dream about someone (adam, not kavinsky) touching his tattoo. when kavinsky does it, ronan can’t move - again, he is paralysed - but tenses all over with discomfort. he is afraid to move because he thinks if he does, he will be harmed worse. “the touch would stab him - a wound like this pill”. ronan experiences the attack as a violation of his body, and the drug itself as a violation of his autonomy. it is in the text. 

even as far later as trk, when ronan thinks back about kavinsky, he feels “dread and shame, thick enough to vomit up.” if that doesn’t read to you like the description of someone dealing with the aftermath of a violation, specifically a sexually connotated one (shame is a big component of what sexual abuse survivors experience) then i don’t know what to tell you. reread the book. try to acquire some empathy. and for the love of God, stop blaming victims for “not refusing enough”. 

Asks like these genuinely scare me, so I will say it once again: Intoxicated consent is not good consent. Drugging someone to take away their agency is always a violation of consent. Consenting to one thing doesn’t mean consenting blindly to everything else (especially when you are led into it under false pretenses). You can always, always, always change your mind and it is never an excuse for your consent to be ignored. 

[musicallyrich]

Crate Digger’s Corner: Roy Buchanan- A Street Called Straight (Atlantic Records, 1976)

Crate Digger’s Corner…by DJ Musically Rich

(don’t forget to check out the track from the album that I’ve selected while you’re reading the review)

 This week in Crate Digger’s Corner, I’m going to take a look at the 1976 album by blues rock guitarist Roy Buchanan, “A Street Called Straight”. He was possibly recruited by The Rolling Stones (the story is he was offered Mick Taylor’s position after he left and turned it down), heavily influenced by Hendrix as well as many other artists/genres, and is an extraordinary improviser on the guitar. If you haven’t heard of Roy Buchanan before, this is as good starting place as any, and I will most likely review some more of his albums in the future. I listened to this on vinyl for this review. I hope you enjoy Roy Buchanan.

A wild guitar leaps into gear, right out of the box on the opening song, ‘Running Out’. Roy uses his axe to drive right into the beginning of the song. A truly, rumbling bass and rock solid drumming drive this relatively quick song through to completion.

‘Keep What You Got’ and ‘Man On The Floor’ follow and are rooted in funk music. The former features a horn section and backup singers (both of which show up on more than a handful of tracks from the album) that, along with the main band, propel this funky nugget to a fiery guitar solo that leads to the end of the song. The latter has all of these guitar bursts that feel like they are flying past you as the funky song opens up for a great guitar solo in the middle of the track.

‘Good God Have Mercy’ follows and is the first hint of his gospel influences on the album. The opening is based around an acoustic guitar figure that gives the song a spacious, rural feel. Electric guitar, harmonica and organ dart in and out as the song slowly builds to a guitar solo that just as slowly drops back into the verse. That is followed by ‘Okay’, another quick funky song. It is highlighted by a nice slide acoustic guitar solo by Buchanan.

‘Caruso’ is another atmospheric, moody piece similar to ‘Good God Have Mercy’, except country or country rock is the musical focus rather than gospel. Buchanan uses an acoustic guitar to provide some fills to alternate with his singing before a droning organ comes in adding just the right touch.  This track sounds like a song you would listen to driving down a country road at twilight.

Side two starts out with a tribute piece/homage to Jeff Beck called, ‘My Friend Jeff’. Groovy organs, heavy in the pocket drumming and (of course) great guitar work come together to drive this really fun, funk fusion track.

Then we move into another tribute to a great guitarist with a cover of Jimi Hendrix’s ‘If Six Was Nine’. Roy turns it into a raw, almost sparse, snaking cover. He has a beautiful, tasteful guitar solo that (if it wasn’t before) turns the song into his own.  During the second half of the solo he, along with the band, drop into a groovy R&B beat that leads to the end of the song.

That is followed by ‘Guitar Cadenza’, a trippy, mind-bending guitar interlude. He uses all sorts of guitar effects like wah, echo, phasing, etc. to create that experience. That interlude leads to ‘The Messiah Will Come Again’. The opening sounds like an organ prelude with a reverent guitar solo leading to a spoken word intro. After the spoken word part, he lets his guitar speak…

The album ends with the song ‘I Still Think About Ida Mae’. It is a driving country rock song. The song is highlighted by an extended instrumental section with a background chorus adding to the atmosphere of the song.

 A great blues rock guitarist indeed                                                                              But as you can see, in reality                                                                                    So much more

On this album he winds R&B, country, rock, gospel, and blues to make his own statement. Then he takes his guitar and just goes to town!

4/5 stars

Available on: LP/CD/Cass/8-Trk

RIYL: Stevie Ray Vaughan- Soul To Soul; The Butterfield Blues Band- The Resurrection Of Pigboy Crabshaw; Harvey Mandel- Shangrenade; Savoy Brown- Street Corner Talking

To see photos of other albums in my collection follow my IG: djmusicallyrich

To listen to a track from the album…

[ravenking-gansey]

Home

Hey! So, first TRC fic here! I, uhhhh, don’t know what this is. Just me rambling about my OTP Bluesey I guess. This probably takes place somewhere between BLLB and TRK.

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Pairing: BluexGansey Word Count: 712 Summary: Gansey and Blue take a midnight drive and contemplate the feelings they can’t act on. You can find me on AO3 under the username Xennariel!

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It would have to be a freezing day in hell for Blue to fall for Gansey, yet here she was, riding shotgun in the Pig, silence stretching comfortably between them. Blue wasn’t sure when it happened, but it had become a nighttime ritual to call Gansey. She found she could no longer sleep without hearing his voice. On nights when insomnia was especially rampant, she’d ask him to get her and they’d drive and drive and leave everything behind for a few hours. For a few hours, they could pretend that they just a couple of normal teenagers.

Their strange, tentative relationship was somehow surreal, yet so right. Gansey’s calming presence in Blue’s life was something she didn’t know she needed. Now that it was hers, she didn’t know how she ever got along without it. Gansey would say the same for Blue, of course, her presence bringing much needed catharsis and quiet to his chaotic world. Though they never said it outloud, they knew. They’d fallen so irrevocably in love that there was no way they could ever turn back now.

Blue licked her lips as she stared out the window, lost in thought. Gansey saw the movement out of the corner of his eye and his jaw tightened. It was almost like a game they played. Both hyper aware of the other. Both knowing they could do nothing about the longing raging inside. How desperately he wanted to crush his lips to hers and never let her go.

Gansey pushed back that thought and slammed the gas pedal down, the Pig shuddering as it leapt forward with increased speed. Blue glanced at Gansey and raised a brow. Are you okay?

Gansey caught her gaze for a moment, the corner of his mouth tugging up slightly. I’m fine.

Blue frowned, clearly not believing him, but she turned back to look out the window instead of saying anything. They rarely spoke during these impromptu midnight drives. It felt like if they said anything, whatever spell had fallen over them would be broken and reality would set in again, cold and heavy within them.

None of this was allowed, but they did it anyway. Gansey was going to die. They both knew it -- though Gansey hadn’t let himself acknowledge it yet-- so how could they deny themselves this meager amount of happiness for whatever time they had left? Blue fought the urge to put her hand on his over the gearshift. She crossed her arms and gripped her shirt to keep her hands to herself. Gansey pushed the Pig even harder, needing the speed and distraction to keep himself from pulling over and pulling Blue into his arms.

They raced along the empty mountain roads until the Pig finally retaliated and Gansey had to fight to move the car off the road and into a little grassy clearing amongst the trees surrounding them. Gansey sighed and sent an apologetic look at Blue who huffed and shrugged. He pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose and got out of the car to check under the hood. It seemed to just be overheated. That was good. They’d be able to head back to 300 Fox Way after letting the Pig rest for a while.

Blue appeared next to Gansey and he started, having not heard her get out of the car. She smirked, holding back a laugh. Gansey glowered but he was also fighting back a smile. Without thinking, he reached up and tucked a tuft of unruly hair behind her ear only for it to bounce back as soon as he let go. His touch was electric and Blue shivered despite the warmth of the evening.

She should have stepped back. She should have gotten back in the car. Instead she took a step closer and bumped the back of her hand into his. He looked up at the stars and gripped her hand in his, twining their fingers together like it was the most natural thing in the world, because it was the most natural thing in the world.

They stood in silence, gazing at the twinkling stars above them, fingers tangled and bodies pressed close. For now, they were safe. For now, they were together and Gansey was home.

[emmerrr]

♟ for pynch pls?

♟: Patching up a wound

anon! this was one of the first ones I got so I’m sorry it took so long but I couldn’t decide how I wanted to do it! in the end I’ve set this probably somewhere within the bllb timeline or maybe early trk. but either way it’s before the kiss. I hope it’s okay!

please, for the love of all things holy (and also my sanity), don’t send me anymore :)

The drive back to Henrietta from Singer’s Falls is as good as muscle memory for Ronan now, even in the dark. He barely even registers the journey sometimes, it’s that ingrained. Instinct takes over and all of a sudden, he’s back.

Nine times out of ten however, ‘back’ ends up being St. Agnes, where Ronan finds himself stomping up the steps to Adam’s little apartment and knocking on the door. Even if it’s unintentional. Even if he’d meant to go back to Monmouth.

Let it never be said that Ronan Lynch isn’t a glutton for punishment.

This time when Adam opens the door he’s clearly not long back from Boyd’s as he’s still wearing his coveralls, and he doesn’t so much as bat an eye to find Ronan outside.

Because he knows, Ronan thinks. Of course he knows. He’s smart. And Ronan’s been edging out of subtlety for a while now anyway.

Testing the waters, as it were.

But the point is, Adam’s not surprised to see Ronan, and in fact he almost smiles as he jerks his head to indicate Ronan can come in, then turns back into the apartment. Ronan steps over the threshold and shuts the door behind him.

“You been at the Barns?” Adam asks.

“Yeah.”

“Any progress?”

Ronan shakes his head. He’s got a barn full of still sleeping dream-cows, and it’s a sore subject, and he doesn’t really want to talk about it.

Adam just nods in understanding and starts to wearily peel out of his coveralls.

“Fuck, Parrish,” Ronan says once Adam’s got the left sleeve off. “Your arm, it’s bleeding. The fuck d’you do?”

Adam frowns, then tilts his arm around until he can see what Ronan sees; running from just under his elbow to halfway down his forearm is a thin cut that is trickling blood. Not a lot, but it’s still there.

“Ah fuck, I forgot about that,” Adam says with a groan. “I caught it on the corner of a table at work but it didn’t seem bad and I just left it, it was just a scratch. I must have caught it again while I was working and not realised.”

He wipes at it with his fingers ineffectually then breaks off into a laugh that is utterly devoid of humour. “I don’t even have any bandaids. Never got round to stocking up on first-aid stuff after I moved in here.”

“Parrish, stop doing that, you’re just spreading blood around and it’s gross,” Ronan says, ignoring the glare Adam levels at him. “I think I have bandaids in the car, so you go and shower and clean your cut a little and when you’re out I’ll patch it up for you.”

Adam hesitates, then nods. “Yeah, okay. Thanks.”

He disappears into the bathroom and Ronan heads back out into the night. A perfunctory search through his glove compartment tells him that there aren’t actually any bandaids in there. Luckily, there’s a 24-hour convenience store around the corner, and if Ronan’s quick, he might even make it back before Adam’s out the shower.

He picks up the kind of bandaids that are on a roll so he can cut it to size, and he also grabs a tube of antiseptic gel. Then at the checkout counter he grabs a couple of chocolate bars, just because they’re there, and Adam looks hungry.

Fortunately, Ronan does make it back before Adam gets out of the bathroom, albeit only by the merest of minutes. Adam’s changed into thin and worn PJ bottoms and a pale blue t-shirt, and is holding his arm out gingerly. 

He sits cross-legged on his mattress then looks at Ronan expectantly. Ronan takes the hint, kicks his shoes off, and sits opposite. He drops his purchases in between them then motions for Adam to hold his arm up so Ronan can see.

“It’s just about stopped bleeding, but you’ll still need a bandaid on it or you’ll just catch it again while you sleep,” he says, but Adam hardly seems to be listening. He’s eyeing Ronan’s pile of goodies with deep suspicion.

“So you just happened to have all this stuff in your car?”

“Sure,” Ronan says, but because he doesn’t lie, he grins and adds, “It was in my car for the drive back from the store to here.”

“Ronan,” Adam says with a sigh.

“It’s fine, Adam, it’s useful for me to have anyway, I’m always getting scuffed up as it is. I’ll get plenty of fucking use out of it all.”

Adam looks like he wants to argue, but then he shrugs. “That’s true, I guess. The chocolate I’ll pay you back for, though.”

“You fucking better, Parrish, I’ve already made a note of it in my debts book. Parrish owes me one chocolate bar. I wrote it in red. Underlined.”

“Asshole,” Adam says, but he’s smiling, and everything in the world is bright and shiny again.

Ronan grabs a pair of scissors off Adam’s desk then cuts the bandaid to size. With no small amount of gentleness, he grips Adam’s wrist to keep his arm steady and presses the bandaid into place. He desperately tries not to think about the warmth of Adam’s skin, how it feels like his own hands are burning where they’re touching. Their heads are bowed close together, and Ronan holds on much longer than necessary, after the bandaid is well and truly in place.

But finally, he lets go.

“Does it hurt?” His voice comes out rough, hoarse. He’s so see-through, he can barely stand it.

“A little,” Adam says, and his voice is just as rough. He clears his throat. “It’s not bad.”

“Good. That’s good,” Ronan says lamely. “Take that off in the morning, put some of this antiseptic shit on then just let it air. Should be fine.”

“Should be,” Adam agrees. “Thank you.”

A silence befalls them and Ronan doesn’t know how to fill it, so he picks up his chocolate bar, opens it, and starts to eat. Adam follows suit, and by the time they’ve both finished, the slightly charged air has dissipated.

“Oh fuck,” Adam says as he throws away his and Ronan’s trash. “I’ve just realised that when I take this bandaid off it’s gonna rip all my arm-hair off. It’s gonna hurt more than getting the cut did.”

Ronan looks up gleefully. “Let me do it, Parrish. It’ll hurt less if I do it.”

“How’d you figure?”

Ronan shrugs. “It’s just science. Come on, you should know that.”

Adam shakes his head fondly. “That’s not… that’s not how science works. But okay. You get to rip my bandaid off.”

Adam grabs his backpack while he’s on his feet and carries it back over to his mattress. “Now,” he says, pulling out a history textbook. “Homework time.”

“Honestly just looking at that fucking thing bores me to tears.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you not here for a study session?”

Ronan snorts. “Hilarious, Parrish.”

The corner of Adam’s mouth quirks, and Ronan hates that he’s so attuned to the gesture. To every single Adam Parrish gesture. 

“Why else would you be here if not to help me with my homework?” Adam asks innocently, because he’s sort of a little shit, and his pale eyebrows raise slightly.

It’s a challenge Ronan’s not sure he’s quite ready to rise to.

“You’ve got me there, Parrish. Why else?”

Adam smirks and returns his attention to his books. And Ronan is now sure that Adam knows exactly what Ronan’s doing here. For once, the thought excites rather than frightens him.

It’s a brave new world.

[villainanders]

do u have any headcanons about the trc boys comforting each other?? Like, just hugs and happiness with Adam, Gansey, and Ronan?

Imma be real with you anon, I let this ask sit for so long because I wanted to give a good response but I just don’t… have any headcanons for this. Here are some Related Concepts for your trouble tho:

Late night Monmouth insomniac orange juice runs that turn into extended drives through the mountains around Henrietta. Gansey knows how things somehow only hurt worse at night and he can see when the scars on Ronan’s heart are cutting deeper than usual. It’s a kind of pain that has a tendency to manifest in alcoholism and street racing so he tosses Ronan a pair of car keys instead and drive out to isolated country roads so he can feel the world blur around him while Ronan smashes his anger into the accelerator until the only thing left is the relief and joy of speed.

It can be easy sometimes for Adam to forget how carefully Gansey masks his least attractive emotions but he gets better and better at noticing when there’s something going on beneath the surface. An anxious glance to the side, a momentary furrow of his brow, a distracted tapping of his fingers– it’s all just for a moment but the mask cracks. He lightly touches Gansey’s elbow and the other boy looks at him in polite confusion. “Hey,” he says quietly. “You know everything’s gonna be okay?” Gansey smiles a little, takes a second to breathe, and then the moment passes. Everything seems okay again.

Adam gets worried a lot the summer before college. Everything he’s worked for is supposed to start to pay off here, but he feels overwhelmed by both the inevitable closeness of his dreams and how far he still has to go. Gansey tries to talk to him about it and he can appreciate the effort but words feel like flimsy things right now; he knows his future is coming no matter what and the only thing he can do right now is wait for it to happen. It doesn’t make it all any less terrifying though. He knows Ronan can tell something’s wrong and at first, he thinks he’s going to try to talk to him too but he grabs his hands and kisses him instead. Maybe it’s not the most productive of measures, but hey, sometimes distraction the best solution he could ask for. 

They all definitely hug after Gansey is resurrected in TRK. Maybe even group hug. This is very important. 

[seekthemist]

FOR THE CHARACTER ASK MEME: adam and gansey 😏😏

“What character ask meme?” THIS CHARACTER ASK MEME!

ADAM:

How I feel about this characterBaaaaaabbbbyyy, I love him so much and his character development was awesome and all his Cabeswater-hands-and-eyes scenes in the books were super epic. I hope he will go on to kick everyone asses because that’s the Adam Parrish we all deserve.

All the people I ship romantically with this characterI’m an heavy multishipper and I can be persuaded to MANY configurations, threesomes and the like. My main one-to-one characters for Adam are Ronan and Gansey, though!

My non-romantic OTP for this characterThe reason I did not include Blue in the aforementioned list is that I really love the way they got to the realization they really like each other but they wouldn’t be the best match. I know it was shaky, and Adam got hurt and it was complicated by Blue’s attraction to Gansey but I really adore they relationship as friends.Also, we need to mention Adam’s relationship with Opal because even though we only saw a tiny bit of it, it was AWWWW.

My unpopular opinion about this characterI’m not sure what counts as a “popular opinion” on Adam (I’m bad at following all the fandom headcanons), but one thing I want to point out is that, for as much as I love Adam’s character, I think his inability of asking for help and letting other people provide for him is not something to be praised. It’s overboard from pride and autonomy and it’s harmful both for him and for the people that care for him. So my maybe unpopular opinion is that that’s a character flaw and it’s the type of behaviour that makes you super irritating in real life even though it‘s more “excused” in fiction settings.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.My wish for Adam is for him to overcome his necessity to “perform” success in favour of actually reaching a state when he’s fulfilling his ambitions in the purest form and achieving something that makes him genuanely content, rather than “something that would sound good among rich and successful people”.

GANSEY:

How I feel about this characterMy lovely awkward ducking, you can try and snatch him off my cold, dead hands because, honestly, aw.

All the people I ship romantically with this characterLOL, another case of VIRTUALLY EVERYONE, but this time it’s…like…the whole Gangsey, even in one-on-one? We can have Gansey/Blue-Adam-Ronan-Henry for as much as I’m concerned. I must admit I don’t particularly ship him with Noah, but…

My non-romantic OTP for this character…Noah is definitely my best bet for the non-romantic OTP, because his and Gansey’s bond is SO TOUCHING and a bit tragic and Noah saved his life and at the same time Gansey provided the first kinship after 7 dead years because he saw this ghost boy and went like “yeah of course you’re part of the family and I NEED YOU to live here” and…sob. So good. So pure.

My unpopular opinion about this characterAgain, never sure of what counts as a popular headcanon, but one thing I’ve seen is “Gansey basically estranges himself from his family because he wants all out from the social world” and…I don’t know, I think he wouldn’t? Not so completely, not if he gets himself out of the UBER STRESS he lived in for years. His family is a bit of a theatre and they are all posh rich fuckers but I don’t think they don’t love each other and I don’t think Gansey doesn’t enjoy a bit of “Richard Gansey III” performance every once in a while. He likes being good at stuff, and for better or worse it’s good at that as well and it’s a family-bonding-mess.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.What I wished for Gansey is A PROPER EXPLAINED DEATH AND RESURRECTION and something WAY clearer in terms of how is it to die and come back to life out of a sense of “responsability” to protect his found family only to found that Noah ended up as a big collateral damage and maybe he was always meant to. Basically, I wished for a proper conclusion of his crazy character arc, instead of the cut at the end of TRK.

[vlindervin7]

I wanted to write a jealous Pynch fic and then I saw someone talking about how they wanted to read a 5+1 jealous Pynch and I kind of stole that idea, so here you go. It’s all set after TRK, except for the first one (no Kavinsy, though, if you’re worried about that). This is almost 10k words, which makes this the longest fic I’ve ever written, so enjoy I guess. Mentions of past abuse and internalized homophobia, but it’s nothing big

Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish are both incredibly complicated beings, not easy to figure out or predict or understand. Really understand. Gansey tried to make sense of who they are as a person, maybe without realizing it. Because he can’t resist a challenge, a puzzle of sorts. It’s the reason he’s so passionate about Glendower. Probably why he surrounds himself with difficult friends, even though he will never truly get them.

Adam and Ronan, though. They’re different together. They do understand each other, because they want to, because they’re more themselves when it’s just the two of them, because you don’t have to hide certain parts of yourself when you know you’ll be accepted anyway.

They don’t take each other’s shit. When Ronan is being an even bigger asshole than he usually is, Adam will call him out on it. When Adam is being unreasonable, Ronan will not hesitate to tell him. And they work.

Anger is something they both struggle with, something that they don’t particularly like about themselves, but which simultaneously means it’s something they share, so they don’t tiptoe around each other, they don’t pretend to be fine, to hide that anger.

They’ve understood each other long before they even realized it.

And they work together.

Anger isn’t the only thing they have in common, though. Jealousy is a feeling that’s so incredibly woven inside them, that it’s now simply a part of them.

Adam Parrish has spent his life dreaming of things he can’t have, carrying water in cupped hands to the shore and ending up with not much at all, but slowly and surely seeing his hole in the sand fill, while surrounding himself with people who have those things without ever having had to work for it. It’s a particular brand of torture, but it’s worth it if it means he’ll be able to call himself one of them some day.

And Ronan Lynch, who’s experienced too many losses a person his age should ever have to go through – his father; his mother’s soul that only existed when his dad was there to breathe the life into it and then it wasn’t just her soul, it was her body too and now he’s officially an orphan at the                    tender age of eighteen and really, he’s just a child, or he feels like one anyway; his glitter loving friend, partner in crime, confident though he never actually told him anything, the creepy fucker who was but a faded image of a person Ronan does not know at all, so did he really? Lose him? Maybe that’s what hurts the most in the end; his best friend and brother whose death were possibly the most antagonizing moments of his existence. No wonder he’s a little territorial. It’s what each of his heartbeats are saying don’t lose anyone else, I wouldn’t be able to take it.

So, really, the jealous feelings that arise when they officially become a thing (and even before that), shouldn’t come as a surprise.

 1.

Blue.

Ronan hates her. She marched into their lives, like she’d been there forever, as if they didn’t just meet her a couple weeks ago. She thinks she belongs amongst them, amongst the four of them. And the worst part is that Gansey, Noah and even Adam, who Ronan frankly expected better off, believe it too. Without as much as a blink they’ve accepted her as part of their group.

Noah adores her. Gansey is fascinated by her. And Parrish is fucking dating her, holding her hand, laying his head on her lap, whispering things in her ear that make her laugh. It’s unfair. He barely knows Blue and Adam already likes her better than he liked Ronan. As if Ronan wasn’t the first to see how brilliant Adam is. As if he hasn’t been trying to say the things she does since they met.

He hates Blue for the things he hates about himself. He hates the fact that all he does is exasperate Gansey, cause him trouble while Gansey smiles wistfully every time Blue lashes out at him. He hates the fact that she makes Noah laugh as if it’s the easiest thing in the world, while he can’t stop making crude jokes at his expense. He hates the fact that she gets to feel the grooves of Adam’s hands in hers when he has been dreaming about doing that almost since he met him, when he’s the one spending all the classes he attends staring at those very hands.

A match has been lit under his skin and every time he sees Adam and Blue interacting, fuel is added to the fire and the heat is getting harder to bear with every touch, look, laugh exchanged between them. It’s consuming him from the inside, gnawing at the edges of his heart. It makes him want to kick something, to destroy a building, burn down a forest with the fire inside; all it would take is for him to open his mouth. Calla compares him to a snake and she’s not wrong exactly, but not completely right either. If he had to choose, he’d pick a dragon to compare himself to. A creature out of the realms of reality, breathing fire every time he opens his mouth and scorching anyone who happens to get too close.

He doesn’t blame Adam for liking Blue better. As far as Ronan knows, he’s not interested in boys at all, anyway. And he doesn’t know if that makes things better or worse. At least now he can tell himself it has nothing to do with him personally, though he’s not sure he actually believes that.

Sometimes he wonders if talking about it would be a relief, wonders if he could tell Gansey maybe. He’s familiar with all the other dark parts of Ronan’s soul, he doubts this would be the thing that makes him turn his back on him.

But then the other Gansey – the one from his dreams, who sneers and spits insults you’re disgusting at his feet like he’s no better than a piece of dirt – appears before his eyes and he decides to be a coward instead of risking ever having to meet that Gansey in real life. So instead of dealing with his feelings in a healthy way, he resources to what he does best.

Dreaming, drinking, driving.

It’s the only way he knows how to deal with everything inside. It may not be a healthy or good method, but it’s a method nonetheless and honestly, that’s all Ronan needs. To forget. To feel better for just a second, for just one night.

Blue.

He hates her because she’s everything he isn’t and manages to do what he wants to do, but can’t.

He doesn’t truly hate her; it’s merely a side effect of hating himself.

 2.

A month after their first kiss, after everything, it’s like they picked up right where they left off. Only now the familiar ways of life have a nightmarish undertone. Every time Adam looks at Gansey he has to force his mind to push away the image of him lying on the ground Blue, kiss me. Every time he looks at his hands he has to suppress a shudder and hopes with all he has that he’s never rendered so helpless and dependentof anything ever again.

After all that has happened, they try to regain a sense of normalcy, try to pick up their routine. Adam has no choice anyway. The end of the world may have come and gone, he still needs to work and manage to make it out of here. And maybe it’s better this way. Being busy doesn’t allow them that much time to dwell on the traumatic events.

Not everything is exactly as it was before, though. For one thing, he and Ronan are dating? Are a thing now? He’s not sure how to define it, but there’s something.

When Ronan kissed him on his birthday, Adam had known this was real and something serious. He knows Ronan. And Adam wants it to be real and serious, too. He’s all in. And it’s been good so far. It’s nice to have someone warm his nights, someone to kiss and hold when things are rough. It’s more than good and it’s not like they didn’t spend every free moment together before anyway. Only now, when Ronan used to lie next to Adam’s matrass, he can sleep on it.

It’s sweet too, the way Ronan is clearly inexperienced and is surprised every time Adam randomly kisses his cheek or his mouth. And Adam’s found it’s surprisingly easy to make Ronan blush, which is not something he would’ve ever imagined. It’s not like Adam himself is that experienced, but he’s also pretty sure he was Ronan’s first kiss. He’s been meaning to ask him about that.

Tonight, Ronan had barged into Adam’s room and proclaimed they were going for a drive, the same way he always does. And Adam got up and followed him into the BMW, like he always does. It’s something they’ve been doing for a while, but it feels bigger now. Than it did before.

Adam’s been sneaking looks at Ronan, because even though they’re allowed to do that now, it’s hard to get rid of old habits. When he catches Ronan’s eye, he gives a shy smile and turns his attention back to the road, and feels Ronan do the same thing.

Suddenly, Ronan jerks the wheel and pulls over on an empty field. He cuts the engine and opens his door. ‘C’mon, Parrish. Come watch the stars with me?’, he says, his voice sarcastic, but his eyes honest and open. Adam doesn’t know what to with that. He gets out of the car, slams the door and settles on the hood. About five seconds later, Ronan joins him. They’re silent for a while, listening to the light the stars leave behind. Adam wonders if this a date now.

A light breeze leaves goosebumps on his arms and he moves closer to Ronan so their arms are touching and he instantly feels warmer. Ronan radiates warmth at all times, which is good because Adam is always cold.Ronan seems to feel it because he wraps an arm around Adam’s shoulder and pulls him close to him, rests his chin on top of his head, stars rubbing his arm. His fingers seem to eject warmth.

‘Can I ask you a question?’, Adam says eventually.

‘I think you already did.’

It is possible, Adam thinks, that Ronan feels him roll his eyes, because he then says. ‘Sure.’

‘Did you ever – Did you and – ‘He does not know how to ask this. He has no idea how Ronan will react. If this will offend him.

‘Just say it, Parrish.’

‘Was there ever something between you and Kavinsky?’, he lets out all in one breath. Ronan tenses at the name and Adam immediately thinks Shit, I shouldn’t have asked that.

But then Ronan starts to curse: ‘Jesus fucking Christ, Parrish. What the fuck? I would never – ‘ and so on, until he’s done ranting and voicing his disbelief at that question.

‘Well, I don’t know!’, Adam exclaims. ‘I figured I was your first kiss, but I couldn’t be sure. I was curious.’

‘Well, no. Nothing ever happened. He wanted to, but – I never thought of him that way.’

‘Good.’

‘You happy I never kissed anyone before you?’

Adam nuzzled closer to Ronan, breathing in his scent. ‘I don’t really care. I’m just glad that you never kissed kavinsky.’

Ronan hums in agreement. If Adam thought Kavinsky was simply an asshole before, he’s something way worse after the things he did to Matthew. Adam wasn’t sad to see him go.

‘What about you?’, Ronan asks then. He seems strangely nervous.

‘What about me? Did I make out with Kavinsky?’

‘Asshole. You know what I meant.’ Adam does indeed know what Ronan meant.

‘No, I’d kissed some people before you.’

‘Really? How many?’ Ronan’s grip tightened on Adam’s hip.

‘I think there were two girls.’

Ronan makes a noise in the back of his throat and Adam wants to laugh at his reaction. ‘Were they pretty?’

‘Sure’, Adam answers, amusement clear in his voice. He turns his head and looks up at Ronan, a smile dangling on his lips. ‘Not as pretty as you, though.’

‘Shut the fuck up.’ Ronan shoves Adam, who bursts out laughing. Then he throws a leg over Ronan’s lap so he’s straddling him. He brings a hand up to lightly trace the blush on Ronan’s cheekbones. He kisses him.

The two girls he kissed before Ronan were nice and sure, they were pretty and the kisses were fine, but they were nothing compared to the way Ronan’s mouth on his makes him feel. Ronan’s kisses make him feel alive, they spread through his body, send electricity down his spine. He’s so full of it that sometimes he’s surprised there are no sparks when their lips brush. That they don’t produce electric shocks.

When they pull back for air and are breathing heavily, Adam says: ‘They were nothing compared to you, believe me.’

‘They better not.’, Ronan growls and flips them over, so Adam’s back lands on the hood and Ronan’s looming over him. ‘I don’t care who you’ve been with, but I might just try to make it so you forget their names, anyway. To be sure.’

Adam wants to roll his eyes and tell Ronan how ridiculous he is, but then he starts leaving a trail of wet kisses down Adam’s neck, his jaw, his collarbone and, well. He locks their lips together once again, leaving Adam breathless just by kissing him. Adam responds with enthusiasm. It might not be the best place to do this; Adam’s not entirely comfortable, but he would rather do almost anything than move right now.

 3.

Adam’s eyebrows lift and his mouth molds into some sort of mixture between amusement and annoyance. He catches Ronan’s eyes and shoots him a look. Ronan shrugs, acting like Adam’s looks don’t affect him, when in reality one glare from him could make him doanything. Or stop him from doing it. But he’s not about to admit that, ever, although he’s pretty sure Adam’s figured it out, anyway. He’s always been able to see through Ronan.

He turns back to the conversation they were having with Declan and one of his friends. It’s boring as fuck because it’s Declan and Declan’s friend, but here they are anyway. At least Matthew and Adam are here, otherwise he would’ve stormed off ages ago. He and Declan are better now, after everything. Ronan’s coming to realize Declan, though maybe not handling it right, didn’t always have bad intentions. And Declan’s coming to realize things of his own and the relationship they are rebuilding may not be more than a wisp of smoke – deformed and the result of the fire they harbored towards each other for years – nothing like how they were before, but it’s something. They’re trying.

That doesn’t mean Ronan is going to willingly listen to some conversation about politics of all things. So it’s not exactly his fault he zoned out while waiting for Adam to come home from work after church service. Adam was taking a long-ass time and then Declan’s friend joined them and well, Adam may be a constant in his mind, always there in the back even when he’s doing something else, but Ronan’s still only human and very gay and Declan’s friend would be considered hot by numerous people, so he can’t be blamed for just appreciating what he could see of the guy’s body, right? Right? He was fucking subtle about it, too. It’s not his fault Adam arrived at the exact wrong time and notices every little thing even when it’s done subtly. No, Ronan is definitely not to blame.

He certainly doesn’t deserve Adam’s smirk and that look. As if Adam never looks at other people when they’re walking down the streets or something. And like, Ronan knows for a fact that Adam still thinks Blue is pretty, but Ronan doesn’t make a problem of it, does he?

His eyes shifted to Adam the second he arrived, anyway. How could Ronan look at anyone else when Adam’s there? Ronan will never stop being mesmerized by the elegant, almost otherworldly, lines of his face. His cheekbones higher than Ronan’s self-esteem (which, to be honest, is not all that high, but whatever). His golden freckles that look like they were painted on his face by the careful pencil brushes of God himself, his slightly chapped lips; the most beautiful shape Ronan’s ever seen. His eyes the color of a morning sky in spring; soft and intense at the same time. He’s fucking beautiful. Declan’s friend, what’s-his-name, does not come close. He might as well be on a different goddamn planet for how far off he is from the mystical beauty of Adam Parrish.

The effect Adam has on him is a little scary at times if he’s being honest, but he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

‘We should go.’, Declan says to his friend, dragging Ronan out of his own thoughts. ‘Matthew, you coming?’ He twirls his car keys in his hand.

‘Yeah.’ Matthew quickly pulls Ronan into a hug and ducks when Ronan ruffles his hair after they pull back, but he lets out a little laugh, a sound Ronan would kill to protect. He bumps fists with Adam and, after Declan says goodbye too and the friend nods at both of them, they’re gone.

Now that his brothers are gone and the parking lot is close to being empty, Ronan pulls Adam to peck his lips, then pulls him closer by the hip and drops a kiss on top of his head. His brothers have no problem with their relationship, but it still feels a little too personal to do in front of them. He’s supposed to be tough and that’s not really possible when he’s kissing a beautiful boy like this, all tender and soft and shit. Adam smiles at him.

‘So, who was that?’

‘Those were my brothers, Parrish. Declan and Matthew? Matt’s great. The other one is kind of a dick, fucking annoying sometimes.’

‘Ah, runs in the family, then.’, Adam retorts, while they make their way to Adam’s apartment.

‘Asshole.’

‘How original.’, he says, unlocking his door and pushing it open. He drops his keys on the desk and kicks off his old, beat-up sneakers. Ronan sprawls on the tiny mattress on the floor and opens his arms, a sign that he wants Adam to lie down.

Adam looks at him, but doesn’t move. He stands still in front of the mattress, looking down at Ronan. ‘I have homework.’

‘Do it later.’

Ronan can see Adam calculating if he can, contemplating if he’ll have enough time to do it later. ‘Parrish, it’s ten on a Sunday morning, you don’t have to work at all anymore today, I think you can spare ten minutes to cuddle with your fucking boyfriend.’

Adam sighs. ‘I guess.’ And he lowers himself onto the mattress in Ronan’s arms. They’re crammed onto the small surface, but they’ve done this enough time that, at this point, they’re experts at making it work. Ronan pulls Adam to his chest.

‘No, but seriously. Who was that guy?’

‘Just one of Declan’s friends. No one special.’

Adam hums. ‘He was kind of cute, right?’

‘Sure, Parrish.’

Silence, except for both their thoughts whirling through the room.

‘He’s an asshole, though.’

‘You’re an asshole.’

‘You’re right, Parrish. On second thought, we’d be perfect together. Maybe I’ll just go fuck him instead.’, Ronan says, all the while playing with Adam’s hair, combing through it with his hand, twirling strands of it between his fingers. He’s being gentle, an ability he thought he’d lost when things got really dark.

‘Asshole.’

‘You said that already.’

‘Yeah, well. The situation asked for a second one.’

Ronan snickers when Adam moves as far from Ronan as is possible on the mattress without falling off. Which is not a lot. They’re both lying on their sides, and even then there would barely be place for a Blue-shaped person between them. Ronan is smirking, Adam is glaring.

‘Loser’, Ronan says fondly and takes Adam’s wrist. ‘Come and kiss me.’

Adam shakes his head. ‘Nope’, he says. ‘Not when you were talking about fucking some other guy like, three seconds ago.’

Ronan rolls his eyes. ‘More like thirty seconds.’

‘Point still stands.’

‘You know I only said cuddling but really meant making out, right? I thought you knew me that well at least. Are you seriously not going to kiss me?’

‘Na-uh, you’ll have to wait.’, though he shows no sign of getting up and doing his homework, and keeps looking at Ronan, so Ronan knows he’s not actually mad. Doesn’t mean Ronan likes this either way. He groans.

‘Who knew you were such a petty fucker, Jesus Christ.’

Adam shrugs. ‘Should’ve thought about that before you started dating me.’

Ronan lets out a deep, dramatic sigh. All through church service and then the painful conversation with Declan and Friend, the only thing keeping him from going completely insane of boredom was the prospect of Adam’s lips on his later. They haven’t seen each other all weekend because of work and the distance between The Barns and here. Ronan couldn’t just leave Opal alone that night and normally Adam comes over, – either on Friday night, either on Saturday – but he took an extra shift and that wasn’t possible anymore and fuck it may have been only two days, but Ronan’s in too deep and two days is enough for him to miss Adam. And now he won’t even kiss him, God.

‘If I make it up to you, will you kiss me then?’

‘Depends.’

Ronan straddles Adam in a fluid motion, taking Adam by surprise. So, maybe his lips weren’t the only thing Ronan missed about Adam. The little gasps he lets out when he’s surprised, are another. He looks him in the eye, asking a silent question and at the same time daring him to say no when Ronan knows Adam’s about to drop his act in a mere couple of seconds. It’s clear in his eyes that Adam wants this as much as Ronan does.

So, Ronan starts leaving kisses down Adam’s neck, while Adam tries to stay silent and not give in to Ronan’s advances. He lifts his shirt and leaves kisses on his stomach, chest, following the fine trail of hair under his navel, dipping lower and lower and apparently that’s a little too much for Adam, because he grips the back of Ronan’s head and groans.

His pants are off in a second and yes, fuck, Ronan is definitely forgiven after that, if the sounds Adam’s making are anything to go by.

 4.

From where he’s standing, Adam can see the back of Ronan’s head and his shoulders moving in time with his words. The guy in front of him, listening with an attentive face, is tall, nearly as tall as Ronan himself, with a thick flop of dark hair, a jawline as sharp as glass. He’s… handsome, Adam has to admit.

Ronan’s shoulders are tense and he keeps fiddling with his wristbands. His face is turned the other way, but Adam knows those things mean he’s bored and wants this conversations to be over. Adam’s seen him act this way countless times before. In fact, the only time he’s seen him differently is when he’s in the presence of their friend group or his brothers, and if Declan’s there that’s not even always the case. But still, there’s something bugging Adam.

The man has a way of raking his eyes up and down Ronan’s body, that makes Adam uncomfortable. He can’t blame him for thinking Ronan’s attractive, he’s not the only one, but it’s bothering Adam that the guy can’t seem to say a word to his boyfriend without smiling flirtatiously. Ronan probably doesn’t even notice. That doesn’t mean Adam hasn’t noticed, though. He has and he’s been watching them for a good five minutes.

Around him, the students of Aglionby are getting ready for the weekend, clapping each other on the shoulder, throwing around words like bro dude no homo and Adam can’t wait to get out of here. Ronan was supposed to pick him up, which he did. But he wasn’t supposed to get hit on by some random guy while he’s waiting for Adam against the BMW.

Adam hates himself a little for the churning of his insides. He does not want to be this person. He does not want to be that person who doesn’t let his boyfriend talk to others. He does not want to become a controlling asshole. The jealousy unfurling inside nauseously conjure memories of his father, claiming his mother, treating her like some sort of doll only he was allowed to play with, treating her like a possession. Adam does not want to be that person.

(He does not want to become his father, but he’s afraid it’s going to happen anyway.)

So, Adam tries not to be that person, but it’s hard sometimes. With how much he loves Ronan. Adam shrugs his bag straighter on his shoulder and makes his way across the parking lot to where Ronan’s standing.

‘Parrish’, Ronan greets him when he sees Adam arrive, a smile instantly lighting up his face. The difference is so obvious; Ronan’s shoulders relax and his face softens at the sight of Adam. He drops his hand from where he was gnawing on his wristbands and uses it to ruffle Adam’s hair instead. Adam ducks and good-naturedly swats his hand away, but he’s too slow. Ronan’s hands in his hair, messing it up, make all the annoyance he had pent up all day disappear in just one touch. It scares Adam sometimes, how dependent he is of Ronan’s effect on him, how much the thing getting him through the day often is the thought of Ronan at the end when it used to be only getting out of here. It’s a tie now. The prospect of college is nice, but it’s nothing he can look forward to that’s available right now. Ronan’s smile is.

Adam returns it with a smile of his own and greets the guy Ronan was talking to. Apparently their conversation wasn’t that interesting, because he’s gone after less than thirty seconds.

‘Who was that?,’ Adam asks.

‘Fuck if I know. Just some guy who liked my car apparently. He wouldn’t fucking leave me, kept bugging me.’

Adam raises his eyebrows. ‘Really?’ He can’t help taking in Ronan thoroughly himself, the way he looks today. Leather jacket, black ripped jeans, a day’s old stubble that makes his jawline more pronounced.

He really, really does not blame that guy for thinking Ronan is hot. Adam has some trouble breathing evenly. He desperately wants to touch, to kiss, to – .

‘Come on, I want to show you something.’ Adam grabs Ronan’s hand and pulls him with him through the mass of boys, back into Aglionby.

‘Where are we going? I swear, Parrish, if I have to spend one more goddamn minute wasting my time in this hell hole I’ll – ‘

‘Lynch, have some patience. I promise you, you’ll like this.

Adam looks before pulling Ronan in an empty corridor to make sure no one sees them. Then he opens the door to a classroom, peeks through the small opening and when it’s clear the classroom’s empty, pushes open the door, pulls Ronan inside and closes it behind them. Before the door has time to properly fall in the lock, he shoves Ronan’s back against it. Ronan, who’s wearing a wicked smile, lets out a laugh and says: ‘I take it back, Parrish. I will gladly spend more time here if it’s to violate the classrooms.’

A pair of lips shut him up. Adam places one hand on against the door next to Ronan’s head and the other on his chest, while he kisses him intensely, moving their mouths as if his life depends on whether this kiss makes Ronan’s head spin or not. As by instinct, Ronan’s hands nestle in his hair and lightly pull at the seams, emitting a moan from Adam.

‘Shut up.’, Adam rasps when he pulls back after a while. ‘Someone will hear you.’

‘What, you couldn’t wait thirty minutes to get home? Are you that desperate for me?’, Ronan says, choosing to ignore Adam’s warning, with a smirk on his lips, a nonchalance that could fool almost anyone into believing he does this every day. Almost anyone. Adam isn’t fooled. Ronan’s eyes glimmer and his cheekbones are a little red. His breathing is a tad faster than it normally is and almost unnoticeably hitches anytime Adam as much as brushes his hands over his arm.

Somehow he only looks better than he did outside; lips kiss-bruised by Adam, matching his red cheeks. Adam’s pretty proud of himself.

‘The way you looked outside, that – that really wasn’t fair’, Adam answers, equally out of breath. ‘And what’s even worse, is that some random guy got to see it up close and I was to observe from afar how he looked at you and how you got hit on.’

At Adam’s words, Ronan’s lips twitch up and a smug look appears in his eyes. ‘Were you jealous, Parrish?’

Adam could simply tell him the truth, but Ronan wouldn’t let him live it down, though that would make him an unbelievable hypocrite. Not that Ronan would care. But Adam isn’t really feeling up to a lifetime of jokes remember that one time you dragged me into an empty classroom to make out with me just because I was talking to someone that wasn’t you?

Adam almost grimaces at the smug tone he can hear Ronan use in his head. And instead, he nestles his nose in Ronan’s neck, breathing in his scent and starts leaving small, wet kisses. When Ronan’s breathing accelerates, Adam smiles because that’s what he was hoping for. ‘Maybe I was. I’m selfish, you know.’ Adam lightly bites down on his collarbone. ‘Want you all to myself.’

‘Well, shit, Parrish. Possessive.’ The words don’t have any of the mocking sharpness to them when they’re said half out of breath and stuttering.

Doing this does not in any way mean Ronan will let him forget this moment, but at least Adam will have jabs of his own. He can retort by commenting on the way Ronan’s heartbeat sped up under his fingers and how the boy was blushing to the top of his ears. How he let out small, desperate moans every time Adam’s teeth came in contact with the delicate skin of his neck. How Ronan let his head fall back on the door with a heavy thud as if it became too heavy to keep upright. How his hands were gripping Adam’s hair and pulling, seemingly by themselves.

Adam allows himself a moment to swim in the warmth spreading inside him when he thinks that he’s the reason Ronan is utterly wrecked. Ronan Lynch, the boy accustomed to pain and who wears it like angry spikes meant to keep people away; who used to find small bits of light in his otherwise dark life in racing and seeking adrenaline in dangerous places; the boy who punches people in the face without a second thought and gets arrested for it without a care.

(Ronan Lynch, the boy who lost his mom and dad and friend; who likes to dreams of light and brings that to life by bringing angelic brothers and mystical girls and pet ravens into the world; who punches the RobertParrishes of the world because they deserve it.)

The fact that he can make that Ronan Lynch vulnerable when most of his life is spent behind an armor to hide that vulnerability, makes Adam feel like he’s on top of the world. God, he loves him so much.

He doesn’t grace Ronan with an answer, but sinks his teeth in the soft skin of Ronan’s collarbone in lieu of answering. The only way of describing what he’s doing, is by saying Adam is simply assaulting Ronan’s neck. He’s sucking, licking, biting the skin, desperate to leave marks, to leave his mark, to claim Ronan as his own. In truth, he’s only doing this because Ronan likes it. He would never treat him like that otherwise. But he knows Ronan likes it when Adam calls him his, likes it when he’s a little rougher, a little less careful and it’s a testament to their mutual trust because all Adam was comfortable doing in the beginning of their relationship, was softly caressing his cheek while pouring all his love in kissing Ronan. Because Adam didn’t want to lose control, to turn out like his father, hurt Ronan in any way. He needed to be reminded of the fact that he could be soft and gentle if he wanted to. He has that now, he knows he’s not hurting Ronan in any way, that he has the ability to be gentle and treat Ronan like something to be treasured, which he is, and that’s why he can allow himself to tuck that gentleness away at times. And of course, the noisesRonan’s making only encourage him.

‘God, Adam’, Ronan obscenely gasps when he licks the bits of his tattoo peeking out of his shirt.

‘Shh, don’t make so much noise. Someone’ll hear us.’, Adam pauses his previous activity to look up at Ronan.

‘Don’t fucking care.’, Ronan says, breathless.

‘Well, I do. So keep It down.’

And God, Ronan looks so good like this. Crumbling against the door, shaved head resting behind him and breathing heavily. His blue eyes wide and glossy, kiss-bruised lips and several bruises painted on his neck, courtesy of Adam. It takes a lot for Adam to resist simply dropping to his knees right now and take Ronan’s noises of pleasure all the way out. But no, that’s a little too much. He definitely wouldn’t be able to keep quiet then and Adam really does not want to be found out. He has built himself some kind of reputation around the teachers at Aglionby and seen as he needs the recommendation letters for his college applications, he would like for that to stay the way it is now.

Adam traces the hickeys on Ronan’s neck with a feather light touch that makes the other boy shudder, before saying: ‘Now everyone will know you’re taken.’

‘Jesus shit, Parrish.’

‘Come on. We’ll finish this off at home.’

Ronan is already wearing his marks like badges of honor, which okay, that was kind of Adam’s point, but he still hopes they won’t accidently run into anyone on their way home. The drive home is going to be incredibly excruciating, Adam knows; he’s so turned on right now. Maybe he’ll make Ronan stop on the side of a deserted road. That has to be one of Ronan’s fantasies, right? He probably has a playlist ready for when it happens.

Adam takes Ronan’s hand in his and, after checking to see if the coast is clear, drags him out of the classroom to the BMW.

 5.

Red.

That’s a good way of describing Ronan’s feeling at the moment. Because red means love, but also anger and maybe, possibly blood, although he’s trying not to think of that too intensely. It won’t lead to anything positive.

(It’s also a color he’s learned to associate with himself – apart from black for obvious reasons –  because it reminds him of anger and blood and the devil. He’s getting better at not immediately thinking of those in regards with himself, though. It’s getting easier now, to associate the color red with himself, but to think of love and the paint on the sheds at The Barns and Opal’s new red skullcap instead.)

He’s trying not to stare, honestly. He’s trying to ignore it and to – to brush it off, but now there’s a hand being placed on an arm and he’s not sure he can just ignore this much longer. He knows he’s being unreasonable, but he can’t help it and anyway, when has Ronan ever cared about being reasonable?

He’s sitting in a booth at Nino’s, listening to Gansey talk about another one of his discoveries he’d absolutely love to visit on his road trip with Cheng and Blue. Or well, he was listening. What he’s doing now can’t exactly be called listening. The words are said at him, enter his ears, but don’t quite reach his brain. They’re stuck somewhere between begging for entrance and not actually caring where they end up as long as they’re being said.

What he actually is doing could best be described as staring a hole in the back of Adam’s head. He thinks there’s a real possibility his eyes are spitting fire. Good thing Adam’s fireproof.

‘Ronan?’, the mention of his name momentarily snaps him out of his intense concentration. ‘Ronan, are you listening?’, Gansey sounds somewhere between concerned and annoyed. It’s a voice Ronan’s heard countless times over the past years, so much that he’s named it the ‘Ronanvoice’.

‘Sure. Something about haunted ruins.’ He doesn’t take his eyes off Parrish and the girl still holding his arm.

‘Yes!’, Gansey sounds delightfully pleased that Ronan listened to him. He wasn’t. ‘But it’s not only that. It’s much more complex and I realize my explanation might have been confusing, so – What are you looking at?’

Gansey follows Ronan’s line of sight and inevitably finds himself looking at Adam and the girl. ‘Ah, I see.’

‘What?’, Ronan snaps. He doesn’t like it when Gansey talks like that, like Ronan’s so easy to see through. It makes him feel way too small. Ronan who spends so much of his life under an armor of tattoos and shaved heads and leather to ultimately hide the pain underneath, is rendered vulnerable when Gansey immediately sees what’s wrong because what does that say about his armor? Admittedly, he’s not exactly subtle and anyone could guess what was going on, really. But Gansey just has a way of doing that, that gets under his skin.‘You don’t have to worry, you know’.

‘The fuck would I worry about?’ Gansey’s right, though. Ronan does worry sometimes. He worries that he’s not enough. That eventually, Adam will get bored of him. Adam, who’s been dreaming of leaving this fucking place and never looking back, who’s been working himself to ruins his whole goddamn life, why would he stay with Ronan of all people, when he’ll have the chance to forget about Henrietta entirely. Why would he stay with Ronan who’ll probably just remind him of all the horrible things and nightmares? In college, he’ll surely meet lots of smarter, kinder, healthier people than Ronan and will he realize then? That he deserves better?

Ronan would move to the other side of the world with Adam, as far from his hometown and childhood house possible if only it meant Adam would not associate himself with this town of horrors.

Maybe some of it is tied to insecurities still.

‘He’s been talking to her for twenty minutes at least.’

Adam went ordering some more drinks for them, when this girl had just started talking to him out of nowhere. And it’s been way too long, his ordered jug of ice tea waiting for him on the counter seems to be decaying already.

Ronan groans. When did he become this dramatic?

‘It has not been more than five.’

‘Whatever. I’m going over.’

‘No’, Gansey, the voice of reason, tries to stop him. But again, when has Ronan ever listened to reason? ‘Ronan, don’t. You know Adam won’t – ‘

But Ronan doesn’t hear the end of that sentence. Parrish won’t what? Approve, like it, appreciateit? Ha.

Five strides and he’s standing next to Adam, putting an arm around his waist, pulling him closer. Adam turns his head and looks up at him. There’s a look on his face. One that says he’s wondering what the hell Ronan is doing, but at the same time knows exactly what the hell Ronan is trying to do. It’s a little intimidating if Ronan’s being completely honest. Because once again, someone can make Ronan feel like he’s not that unreadable as he likes to think he is. That he’s actually as transparent as clear water. The difference when Adam does it, is that, even though he finds it a little intimidating, he doesn’t mind. He wants Adam to know him, all of him. To understand him the way others have failed to do. The way even Gansey sometimes fails to do. And, if Adam lets him, he wants to understand Adam the same way. All of it. The good and the bad. (Though Ronan likes to believe nothing about Adam could ever be entirely bad.)

Ronan turns to the girl. She’s objectively pretty, as far Ronan can tell, with big, green eyes and dark hair.She has a sparkle in her eyes, which Ronan guesses means she likes Adam or some shit like that. He musters up the scariest, most intimidating look he can, the one that could make powerful men lose all their influence and the bravest men lose their courage. (Though, all his friends seem to be immune to it. Especially Adam, who’s never once seemed to show discomfort by it. He’s not sure what that means, but he can’t say he hates it.)

He throws it at the girl like a weapon meant to cut her down. At once, her eyes widen and she drops the hand that was playing with a loose strand of hair. Her posture seems to stiffen, she’s uncomfortable.

She scrambles up her purse and pretends to check the time on her phone. ‘Uh, I gotta go.’, she shoots Adam an apologetic smile. ‘It was nice seeing you again, Adam.’ Her eyes nervously flick to Ronan, back to Adam. ‘So, yeah. Bye.’ And with that she’s gone. Ronan didn’t even say anything. He allows himself a moment to feel smug.

But then Adam pushes the arm from around his waist and turns to Ronan and Gansey might have been right, goddammit. He hates it when that happens. Because Adam does not look like he approved, liked it, appreciated it. Fuck.

‘What the fuck, Lynch?’

‘What? I didn’t even do anything.’

‘Um, sorry? So you didn’t just scare away the person I was talking to?’

Ronan decides to ignore that question because he figures Adam doesn’t expect an answer. ‘Where did you know her from anyway?’

‘I used to go to school with her. Before Aglionby. I don’t see how that matters.’

‘She was clearly flirting with you.’

‘No, she wasn’t.’ Ronan can hear the frustration creeping into Adam’s voice. He’s not raising his voice, but that might make it worse. ‘And even if she was, that still doesn’t give you the right to just swoop in and scare her away. I can decide who I talk to for myself, thanks.’

‘Are you actually pissed right now?’ Ronan realizes it maybe wasn’t the best thing to do, but he didn’t actually expect Adam to react like this.

‘Is that a serious question, Lynch?’

‘Whatever. Let’s not do this here. Not with Gansey looking at us like he’s going to have a stroke or something.’ And the fact that Ronan Lynch wants to wait to fight until they’re somewhere private shows how much he’s grown. The Ronan of last year wouldn’t have cared where they were or who saw them.

Adam lets out a sigh and rakes a hand through his hair. Then he makes his way back to the table, forgetting the pitcher of ice tea he initially came for. Ronan lifts it and goes to join his friends.

Truth is: Ronan hates it when Adam is angry with him. He wants to make things right. He desperately wants to tell Adam he’s sorry. But his relationship with those words is still a little complicated. It’s still a challenge to get over his pride every time he says them. And he just can’t do it here.

Maybe he’ll say them later, when it’s just the two of them in his room at Monmouth or St. Agnes or The Barns or in the car, with the open road as their only company when they go for an impromptu late night drive. Maybe he’ll whisper them in the crook of Adam’s neck while he leaves the smallest, lightest kisses. Maybe he’ll say them with Adam’s knuckles brushing against his lips, leaving the words on each one of his fingertips. Maybe he won’t be able to wait until then, won’t be able to bear Adam being angry with him and take his hand under the table, out of Gansey’s sight and gently brush over every tiny scare Adam has collected after years of hard work, and he’ll bump their shoulders, look at him from under his lashes and try to convey what he can’t say out loud, in his touch, in his eyes.

I’m sorry.

And Adam will understand what he’s trying to do. Because that’s how they function. Through touch and actions rather than words. And although they’re getting better at actually communicating out loud, they both prefer the other way.

English is not their language of choice.

 + 1

It’s late in the evening. The window next to the bed is halfway open, making the white curtain move. Through it Adam can see the stars littered across the night sky. He feels at peace.

Ronan’s bed is big enough for both of them to be comfortable. It’s bigger than the one at St. Agnes, but they’re used to sleeping there and they’ve formed the habit of sleeping wrapped up in each other to save space.

Adam is currently lying on Ronan’s chest, the rhythmic movement lulling him into sleepiness. With Ronan’s hand softly going through his hair on top of that, he probably won’t be awake much longer.

It’s moments like these Adam prefers to almost all others. It’s simple, quiet, peaceful. The silence is wrapped around them, hovering over them like a summer breeze, relieving after a day of noise. It feels sacrilegious, almost, to break it, but there are words weighing down his chest, desperately fighting their way out and Adam knows he won’t be able to get full peace if he doesn’t allow them access out.

‘Hey, Ronan?’ Adam shifts so his face is turned towards Ronan’s general direction. ‘You know you have nothing to be jealous of, right?’

Although Ronan’s getting better at controlling his jealousy and at simply ignoring it when it gets too bad, Adam knows it’s still there, even when he doesn’t show it. It’s clear in the way Ronan stiffens sometimes, or clenches his fists, look the other way. Because he doesn’t want to cause a scene. Because he knows Adam doesn’t like it when he acts like that. And Adam’s grateful that he’s trying and that he’s getting better, but he also wants to make sure Ronan knows he loves him, only him. The insecurities tied to those feelings have never been admitted out loud, by neither of them, but Adam thinks they probably should.

‘Where’s this coming from?’

Ronan’s hand had stilled for a second, before resuming the movement through Adam’s hair.

‘Just want to make sure you know that.’ Adam pushes himself up in his elbow so he can properly look at Ronan. ‘And that I love you.’

It’s not the first time he says the words, and definitely not the first time he’s shown it, but they still send a thrill through him.

‘I know.’, Ronan nods. ‘I love you too.’

Adam plants a sweet kiss on his mouth, then his cheek and lays down next to him. He takes Ronan’s hand in his and starts playing with his fingers.

It’s silent for a while, their breathing the only sound in the room, until Ronan quietly says. ‘I just – sometimes – ‘ he breaks off and Adam figures he needs a little time to form his thoughts and that he will say them when he’s ready. It doesn’t take too long. ‘Sometimes I’m afraid you’ll realize you don’t really want me after all.’

Ronan lets out the words all at once, like a river suddenly starting to flow and coming to a halt as abruptly. They feel like a confession to Adam, coming from the deepest rooms in Ronan’s heart and Adam knows they’re fragile and should be treated with care. Everything Ronan says is the truth, but some truths bear more weight than others. He knows this wasn’t easy for Ronan to say.

‘I want you, Ronan. And I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon.’

‘Parrish, you’ve wanted to leave this place since fucking forever. Why would you – ‘

‘Doesn’t mean I want to leave you.’ Adam tries to put as much truth and conviction in his words, because he needs Ronan to understand that although he has wanted to leave Henrietta since the day he learned there was more to this world than this tiny town in Virginia, he never wants to leave Ronan. Ronan may live here, but he’s sure they’ll find a way to make things work. They’re stubborn like that.

Adam can’t picture the rest of his life without the presence of piercing blue eyes and a whimsical girl.

‘Rationally, I’m aware of the fact that you wouldn’t be doing this unless you’re one hundred percent sure, because you’re Adam Parrish and you don’t do things halfway, but it’s easy to forget at times.’

‘I understand. But I promise you, you have nothing to worry about.’

He nuzzles closer to Ronan and Ronan wraps an arm around him, pressing Adam to him and pressing a lingering kiss to the top of his head, making warmth spread through Adam’s body. They don’t say anything for a while, Adam tries to tell Ronan he doesn’t need to worry again, by holding him as close as he can, hoping he understands.

Then: ‘It’s still hard sometimes, for me to believe I’m worth loving.’ Adam hates that his voice sounds so weak.

Above him, Ronan tenses, no doubt thinking of the people that made Adam feel this way. He takes a deep breath, releases it, wraps his arms around Adam and pulls him, if possible, even closer and simply holds him tight for a moment.

It’s hard for Adam to admit this, to talk about things like this. Still, after all this time, he’s used to working alone, relying on himself only. His parents were never any kind of comfort to him, so he’s learned to console and wipe away the tears on his own. But he’s trying to realize he doesn’t have to do that anymore. He doesn’t have to go through life alone, he’s got a shoulder to lean on now, people to share the weight with. It’s… nice. And he’s trying not to keep all his fears and insecurities inside. After Ronan’s confession, he wanted to voice his too and, honestly, it’s relieving.

Because the way Ronan is holding him now, reminds him of the fact that there are people that care about him, that Ronan’s feelings run deep and that Adam’s not alone anymore. Ronan doesn’t have to voice his thoughts aloud for Adam to understand what he’s trying to convey.

‘Adam, I – fuck.‘ Arms tight around him, lips on his forehead, fingers brushing his arms. ‘I love you so fucking much. And not only me. Opal, she fucking adores you. I swear she likes you more than me. Always whining when you’re not here, Jesus Christ, she drives me insane. Gansey, too and Blue and’, he swallows. ‘Noah. You’re, God, Adam, you’re – ‘ He breaks off his sentence, frustrated by his difficulty with words, but the message has been received; Adam understands and he’s suddenly choked up. He swallows his tears and plants a kiss on Ronan’s collarbone.

Although words don’t come naturally to them, sometimes it’s satisfying to hear them anyway. Rationally, he knows this. He knows Ronan loves him and has been in love with him for quite some time, now. He knows Gansey and Opal and even Blue – they’re pushing through the awkwardness and their friendship is newer and fresher as his friendship with Gansey, but equally as wonderful – love him and he loves them too. Noah loved him, maybe he still does. Time is a circle, after all. But there’s a big difference between knowing it on a purely logical level, and having Ronan proclaim it to him in a voice overflowing with sincerity, honesty, emotion. He’s thinking maybe they should learn to use their words a little more often. Maybe Ronan needs to hear certain things himself out loud sometimes: that he’s a good person; that his mistakes don’t make up who he is as a person; that his mother’s death wasn’t his fault – Adam knows guilt gnaws at his heart when he thinks of her in the dark, when the night is silent and the feeling can creep up on him unknown; that he’s not wrong – because of his dreams, his past, his sexuality. He probably needs to hear all of that as much as Adam needs to hear he’s worth loving. Adam promises himself to remind Ronan of these things until he believes them.

Adam is happy, he realizes suddenly. He has everything he’s worked for all these years. His efforts have been rewarded. There are several acceptance letters from various Ivy league colleges lying on his desk, almost all of them include a full scholarship. He actually has a choice to make for once in his life. It’s a new feeling and he’s immensely grateful for it. He can get out of Henrietta and try to leave the memories of his parents behind for good. He’s got time. Which is something he never had. This summer has been amazing. He dropped two of his jobs, just because he can and without the homework, he actually has time to read books because he wants to and not because he has to, he can figure out what he likes to do in his free time, he can take long walks in the woods without it being for Cabeswater.

And he has love, which for so long he thought was a privilege, only granted to a handful of people, people like Gansey who get everything handed to them. But certainly not people like Adam Parrish who don’t have an ounce of love and warmth in their blood because they were never taught how to. They didn’t have meals prepared with love. They didn’t have loving touches growing up, loving words said to them. Why would he suddenly find love. No, love was a privilege. Adam had believed that for most part of his life.

But here he is now. Being loved by a wonderful boy and loving him in return. So much that sometimes he thinks people surely see it on his face, smell it on him, or like, see it in his eyes or something cliché like that. See that he’s in love with Ronan Lynch in his eyes and that Ronan Lynch is in love with him too.

‘I love you too.’

Adam Parrish is happy. Who would’ve ever thought?

Hope you liked it!

My other wrting

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Love, Jasmine

[broadway-book-badger]

April Reads

Hey everyone, its that time again. It’s now May, which is crazy, and I’m back at uni for the final term of my first year. The Easter holidays just weren’t long enough! Exams are in 2 weeks, and I’m like not prepared at all, and over the next few weeks when we could be revising, we have to do this massive group design project. We’re half way through now and its not too bad, but I could really just do without it…. I went on a Star Wars pub crawl the other night, dressed up as Rey, which was a lot of fun, and there are balls and other exciting end of year things coming up. I can’t believe how quickly this year’s gone - I’m done with uni on 7th June, and then I have about a week before I fly out to the US for the summer which is very exciting! But also, time passing, very scary, all the rest of it.

Anyway, over April I managed to read 4 books, all of which I will be discussing under the cut. As always, full spoiler warnings in case I go into specific plot points - enjoy!

1) The Graveyard of the Hesperides by Lindsay Davies

The Roman Mysteries by Caroline Lawrence is one of my favourite childhood book series, and I saw this a while ago and thought it looked like the same sort of thing, but for grown-ups! I actually didn’t realise until I started reading that this is actually like the 4th book in a series that’s a spin-off of a different series, but that didn’t really matter and I thought it worked pretty well as a standalone. I feel like maybe I’ll read more at some point, because I enjoyed the characters and its a period of history that I love. 

I thought it was an interesting mystery, and thought it was cool to see a different side to life in that period to what I’ve read before, as this centres around the bars and prostitutes in a pretty rough bit of Rome, and the contrast between the terrible and sometimes quite uncomfortable to read about lives of these girls compare with Flavia Albia’s big wedding and happy home life. I can’t work out how old Flavia is supposed to be though, because she has younger sisters who are in their teens, but she’s marrying a guy who’s about 40, but back then they often used to marry older guys anyway, so I’m just not quite sure, but that’s just a stay though that bothered me a little bit.

The mystery didn’t go where I thought it was going to go, but I was pretty happy with the resolution that we got, even if I thought that the murderers being randomly struck by lightning and killed was pretty silly.

2) Return to the Little Coffee Shop of Kabul by Deborah Rodriguez

I read The Little Coffee Shop of Kabul back in 2014, and really enjoyed it, so it was really nice to pick up this sequel and see what all the characters are up to several years later. Firstly can I just say - I cant believe she killed off Jack! He was such a great guy, although I appreciate that it did then give Sunny a nice storyline about trying to work out what to do next. I really loved Joe as a character, and I cried at the part where he told her about his experiences in the internment camps in WW2.

As with the first book, I enjoyed reading about life and the culture in Afghanistan because its a part of the world that you see a fair bit of on the news, often not in the best way, but you don’t actually know a lot about it, so I found all that really interesting. Halajan is an absolutely brilliant character; I love the way that she’s seen so many different regimes come and go that she almost seems to know that things will change for the better again and does what she wants and doesn’t care. One of the storylines I enjoyed the most though, was the culture clash between Kat and Layla in America, because it is really interesting to see both sides of that “Why do these people do that?” sort of thing. Also because they’re both teenagers so I can relate a little bit more than I can to the older women.

The storyline with Zara wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be. It’s not that I thought it would play a bigger part (it lead to the coffee house having to close after all), but I think maybe I thought that it would have a happier ending, like Yazmina’s story did in the first book. But I suppose that’s what makes it more realistic - that these things do happen and they often don’t have happy endings. I did love that they turned the coffee shop into a women’s refuge though, I thought that was a nice touch and I liked that all the characters were reunited at the end, even if its just for a visit!

3) Blue Lily, Lily Blue and The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater

Aaaaahhhhh, so I read these back to back because I just had to finish the series and it was so good! Although, I did have more thoughts when I finished Blue Lily, Lily Blue that I now can’t remember because the Raven King happened and oh my god. I have a lot of feelings and yes, I cried.

First, what I remember thinking during book 3, I loved the bit where Maura was thinking about the note she left, and wishing it had been more specific, and I thought Gwenllian was an interesting twist - “When I didn’t mention the second sleeper, I did not mean bring her here!” Blue and Gansey’s developing relationship was so cute, and everyone’s increasing magic and powers were really cool too. The bit in the cave at the end where Gansey wakes all the bones was so good, as was the bit where Gansey and Ronan show up for Adam’s court case. Alex told me that someone got killed off near the end of this book, but Persephone! I wasn't expecting it, until just before when I realised where it was going, and got sad. Then the scene in TRK about how the 3 psychics met was perfect, but also sad because Persephone. Finally, that ending. Yeah, I sort of screamed a little bit then immediately picked up the next one. I’m glad I didn’t have to wait!

Now, book 4. One of the things I love is how well this series balances all the weird magical stuff with mundane teenage stuff, like college applications and the toga party scene. The toga party was great. I thought the demon was very well done, especially all the descriptions of it unmaking Cabeswater. Horrible, but at the same time good, especially as it got stronger towards the end and took over Adam and stuff. I was nearly late for something because I was trying to finish it, and my friend rang me after I’d been crying and wasn’t sure if I was ok. I mean I was upset when I read the prologue and was like - Gansey knows?!?!?!

But yeah, the ending. She went there. I know it’s been promised for the whole series, but Gansey died, and I cried because it was so well written and his sacrifice and the kiss and everything. I was hoping that they would find a loophole and I was so glad that they did, and I’m happy with what it was. It didn’t feel like a cop-out which those sort of things sometimes can. It was when he went into the cave where Glendower was and he had Henry’s jumper on and the water was dripping on his shoulders and I was like no, no, not yet, it can’t happen yet! I also thought that Gansey was going to die at 6:21, and that was the significance of all those chapters where the time had stopped and it was freaky as hell. It wasn’t, but that would have been cool. I had another theory to do with Gansey actually being Glendower reincarnated, but that was neither proved nor disproved and I'm not sure how I feel about it now. I also thought that Glendower being dead worked really well for the story even though Gansey’s breakdown and decision afterwards was heartbreaking.

I think that the sort of circular time thing is a little bit hard to get your head around, even though it works with the sort of vague rules of the magic, it can be a little confusing, like how that Ronan dreamed Cabeswater but it existed before that and Noah was the one who told Gansey to find Glendower in the first place because he’d stuck in a loop. Speaking of Noah, I understand that he had to move on, it was the only way I could really see his story ending, but I wish he’d gotten the chance to say goodbye to the rest of the Gangsey. I like how Adam finally managed to make his peace with his old life, and that Blue, Gansey and Henry are going on a road trip.

Finally, just a couple of favourite quotes: “Trees in your eyes. Stars in your heart.” Basically, I love everything about that scene with all the psychics in the bath talking to Blue about her future. Also, “He was a book, and he was holding his final pages, and he wanted to get to the end to find out how it went, and he didn’t want it to be over.” Words guys. Words. I’m going to stop now because this got incredibly long and rambly, but I loved this series and all its characters a lot, so there’s that! 

[mild-lunacy]

Pynch Fics (and I)

I just want to say that I realize that sometimes I'm kind of hard on fanfic, and on fandom in general. It's always been my calling card: prioritizing canon over fanon, rejecting everything I ever loved in fandom in a heartbeat if my enjoyment of canon becomes compromised by continued participation, etc. I've been especially hard on Raven Cycle fandom-- and fanon. I guess I feel a bit bad, because there's genuinely so much to appreciate. There's a lot of wonderful fanart, a lot more great fic than you'd expect in a fandom this size, and I've even been inspired to finish writing my own for the first time in ages, 'Ice Supernova'. There's a lot to be thankful for.

I've just been thinking about what a relief and release fanfic is. It's interesting 'cause I've never felt like The Raven Cycle 'needed' fic the way something like Sherlock does. To make it even more meta, BBC Sherlock is itself fic, which goes to show you that no fic can be enough by itself. No fic can 'fix' or replace canon. There's always something. Always something missing. Every fic gives you the limited canon/characterization vision of the author: no more, no less. Often enough, you can't even guarantee that. I certainly wouldn't want people to judge my understanding and vision of the books by that little Pynch skating AU fic. Even if you *are* writing a magnum opus, a lot of times it just doesn't get finished, or gets Jossed, or you're just a different person by the end, so it doesn't feel as satisfying years later. So what I'm saying is, the redemption of fanfic is in its *multiplicity*. No fic, no adaptation, no AU has to really bear the absolute responsibility. It's the gestalt of fic, the fanon that fandom creates-- and I endlessly harp on-- that is the masterpiece.

I love fanfic. I always have, ever since I was introduced to Star Trek at age 13 through the tie-in novels. They were so good, and I loved coming back to the characters over and over, way before I ever watched the show and actually saw them on-screen. I've loved many characters almost entirely or initially because of the fics I've read about them. It's good to remember that. I'm so grateful to the wonderful authors and fellow fans that have let me inhabit a world I love for just a little bit longer. And yes, sometimes it's helped me deal with things that didn't feel like enough, that have felt disappointing. Fic is always there, trying to make things right, all the AUs and all the fix-its and missing scenes and future fics bearing that burden together. And sometimes I get frustrated 'cause I'm so sure canon got it right in the first place, but that's the price one has to pay to see the wrongs righted and the holes filled in my heart.

In The Raven Cycle, I've mostly loved canon AUs and missing scenes. It feels a little wrong to have Adam and Ronan get together earlier than in canon, but many writers made it work. I love fics that take place post-TRK (usually during the first year of college) or pre-epilogue. There's plenty of room for more details and further adventures because canon left the door so open. A lot of writers have been careful and did justice to the characters. I'm happy to share some fics that have been memorable for me, and I hope I'll add to this at some point, too.

So, in no particular order:

We'll Never Be Those Kids Again, by okaynowkiss: and the Missing Scene Award for the TRK climax goes to... This One.

Takes place in the 24 hours after Gansey dies on the side of the road at the end of The Raven King. Ronan's going through a lot and Adam wants to be there for him. Also, everything made in a dream might be in trouble.

Tears and Vines, by adamganseys: and the Missing Scene Award for TDT goes to... This One.

The turn for Monmouth is about to come up when Adam speaks again. “Do you want me to drop you at Monmouth?” There’s a note of reluctance in Adam’s voice, and that’s when he realizes how very much he wants Ronan to come to his apartment with him, how much he needs his comforting presence after what just happened. 

Ronan studies him in that intense way of his before replying, “I’d rather just chill at St. Agnes a bit, if that’s cool with you.”

(Or, my response to the prompt things you said when you were crying, where Ronan comes to Adam's apartment with him after Robert Parrish's trial)

Knights of Caledfwlch, by Incandescentflower: the One with the Fluff, and my Favorite Canon-based Plot

Adam and Ronan adjust to their new relationship and prepare for Adam to go off to college with a lot of adoring thoughts and making out. Also, some magic stuff happens. Gansey asks Adam to find out about the Knights of Caledfwlch and they run into other magic seekers. Adam and Ronan deal with the long distance thing and Adam comes to terms with his own magical abilities. This fic will cover Adam and Ronan's lives for Adam's first year at college.

The Grip of It, by Seek_The_Mist: the One that Works Out the Emotional Consequences

The quest for Glendower ends in an explosion of shattered lives, shattered dreams and shattered realities, leaving five teens in the debris with all the loose ties.

Ronan and Adam barely had something standing during the supernatural madness. It's not straightforward to figure out what they have and how they deal with it outside of it.

Intimacy is everything but trivial.

A. k. a. : Five times intimacy was an awkward and tentative thing + one time it was absolutely glorious.

How Lancelet and Guinevere Slew the Dragon, by scarlett_the_seachild: the One That Integrates Arthurian Mythos to Surprising Effect

Gansey is away in Washington, and Ronan and Adam take this as an opportunity to casually drop by on one another, hold hands, get jealous, fall out, and battle the forces of evil currently threatening Cabeswater.

Set some time post Blue Lily, Lily Blue. Beaucoup de feelings, tension: sexual and otherwise, self-gratification and miscommunication. And Arthurian mythology.

let's get together before we get much older, by raewrites: the One in Which Adam is the Pining Loser (but Ronan is still canon)

Adam doesn’t know what compels him to make an attempt at finally finding out. Does Ronan Lynch have a crush on me? (Do I have a crush on Ronan Lynch?)

Otherwise known at the one where Ronan, Blue, and Noah visit Adam and Gansey at their university for the weekend.

Inside Out, by propertyofthehalfbloodprince: the One with the Cute Coming Out Scene (but then there’s couch sex)

“Ronan-” “Adam.” Rough and rocky and soft. When Ronan said Adam he meant Adam. “How can you even-” Ronan’s palms came up to cradle his face. “Adam.”

In a Dream It Seemed So Real, by beersforqueers: the One with Kavinsky (but he doesn’t matter)

Adam didn't want to see them together, but that doesn't mean he won't have to deal with the consequences. Especially when the consequences are an angry Ronan Lynch and two teenage boys doing their best not to confront their feelings.

Kavinsky isn't helping.

Wonderterror Weekend, by nimmieamee: the One Where Ronan Has Magic Boots

Adam Parrish gets Saturday off and spends the day falling in love with Ronan Lynch.

He also spends it fighting monsters, visiting Europe, and traumatizing people. But falling in love with Ronan Lynch is the part he chooses.

Just to Be Quiet, by sksai: the One Where they’re Essentially Soul-Mates 

an AU loosely based off the concept of the book Unspoken by Sarah Rees Brennan. or, an excuse for Ronan and Adam to have a heart-wrenching psychic bond.

Steady All the Hands, by sksai: the One Where Adam’s a Hooker (and it’s the Cutest Thing Ever)

Ronan makes a series of questionable choices. Adam is just Trying His Best. There is a child - a small one. The gang's all here.

To Feel Your Heartlines, by renlybaratheon: the One where Adam’s a 30-something Woman (but it works)

People in Adam Parrish's life keep getting married all around him, and Adam is not a fan of weddings, a constant reminder of being unlucky in love and his personal decision to focus on his career. But at one wedding, Adam meets the funny and charming Ronan Lynch and starts to think maybe that decision could use some revision, and that his luck has changed.

Reunions series, by LydiaStJames: the One with the Misunderstandings

Adam patted down his body, fingers searching for clothes, but came up empty. Again. 

It really was high school all over again.

Not at All Casual series, by pendules: the One About Touching

The first time Ronan leans over and kisses him when he drops him off at St. Agnes after his late shift, Adam just stares at him wordlessly for a moment before he manages to find his voice and utter an awkward "Thanks" and fumbles to open the door and practically bolts up the stairs to his apartment. It takes a long while to school his heartbeat back to a moderately normal rate and to make his brain actually begin to absorb the line he's been reading over and over for the last fifteen minutes.

Or: Adam and Ronan slowly learn about casual affection that isn't casual at all.

Flames Burned in Our Hearts, by littlelionvanz: the One that Plays with Adam’s Virginity

When he and Ronan started, no one came out of the bushes to hand Adam a pamphlet on what it exactly meant to be in a sexual relationship with another boy. The dos-and-don’ts if you will.

Adam Parrish and the Scientific Method, by poorchoices: the One that Plays with Adam’s Quest to Lose His Virginity (both cute and realistic)

Adam explores his budding sexuality. Post-TRK.

Hold On to Me As We Go, by basicallymonsters: The One that Should Be Canon

It’s like they’re enjoying some fantastic beginners luck, but they don’t actually know how the game is played...

Revised relationships come from the settling dust of unmaking, and Ronan and Adam try to find a balance between grief and joy, love and sex, friendship and occasional hand kissing. They navigate first times and promises and a feeling like magic - even when they're forest-less and wide awake. (Pre-epilogue)

Bonus Porn:

The One Who Makes You Come Undone, by anirondack: Ronan likes Adam's hands and Adam has an idea.

Fight the Wind & Wait for You, by hewhomustnotbejames: Adam's back in town for his 21st birthday.

say my name and i'll lie in the sound, by oftirnanog: Or the first time Ronan and Adam have anal sex. That's it. It's just smut. Fluff and smut and awkward boys with awkward feelings.

[gaybluesargent]

Could u go into detail on Gansey's sensory processing issues due to his anxiety?

yes, sure, definitely! i apologize because this ended up very book-reporty - it’s something i’ve thought about quite a bit! 

so, gansey’s anxiety, his trauma, and his sensory processing are very much linked.

in everything from full-fledged flashbacks to simply talking about his death, it is the sensations of the day that stick with gansey. sometimes, it’s the heat. sometimes, it’s the sound of buzzing. often, it’s the feeling of hornets on his skin, in his hair, or in his ears.

(examples and further elaboration under the read more!)

[…] a wasp, crawling up the narrow wooden frame of the window, swiveling back and forth. Gansey didn’t move. […]     Long ago, his skin had crawled with hornets, their wings beating even when his heart hadn’t.      His throat was tight and full. (trb, ch16)

“They were in my hair. They were in my ears, Blue.” (trb, ch28)

“It’s not that.” His voice was a sliver. “There is something on my skin and it is reminding me of…” […] Gansey whispered, “Hornets.” […] He hung limply in his harness, head tilted down, hands over his ears. […]  (bllb, ch1)

He touched one of his ears; he could feel ghosts of those hornets crawling over it. […]     “Don’t be afraid,” Noah said unexpectedly. Reaching out, he pulled Gansey’s hand away from his ear. Gansey hadn’t even realized that he was still touching it softly. Leaning forward, Noah blew his cool, corpse breath over Gansey’s ear. “Nothing there. You’re just tired.” (bllb, ch16)

It was very hot.     […]     At the same moment, an insect buzzed past Gansey’s face, close enough that he could feel it. Suddenly, everything went slanting sideways.     […]     It had been hot when he died.     He was in a forest of wooden sticks, of birds. Wings buzzed and hummed and shivered around him. He could feel the hornets in his ears. […] But that big insect whirred by him again, circling.       It had been years since Malory had been forced to stop halfway through a hike and wait while Gansey fell to his knees, hands over his ears, shivering, dying.      The insects prickled into his nostrils, moved his hair gently, collectively seethed. Sweat ran straight down his spine. The music shimmered. The students had become spirits, brushing past him and around him. His knees would buckle; he would let them. (trk ch12)

Then it buzzed, once, without lifting off. It was a noise that Gansey had long since stopped interpreting as a sound. It was a weapon. It was a crisis where he who flinched first died first.     […]     Gansey startled violently as the bee took flight with the same sound as before, lifting into the air and alighting upon his hair. The weight of it there was even worse than having it in his palm. (trk, ch30)

sometimes, the stimuli comes first – a sensation that reminds him of the day of his death that sparks an anxiety attack (such as being in the raven pit or in the hole with henry and robobee). sometimes, it’s the anxiety that comes first, then spurring him toward phantom sensations (such as the conversation with noah, when he’s imagining the feeling of hornets with no external cause).

either way, gansey is incredibly sensitive to sensory input, real and imagined, in a way that is inherently linked to his trauma, his ptsd, and his subsequent anxiety.

that being said, not all of his anxiety is directly correlated with his trauma. all throughout the series, there are hints of it. he gets severely anxious whenever he’s not in control, and spends a lot of time and energy schooling his image and masking his feelings of discomfort/fear whenever they crop up. he tends toward catastrophic thinking even when the logical part of him knows his fears are improbable. he often feels like he’s only barely hanging on to himself and the things that are important to him, and that he’s only a few wrong words from ruining everything.

but all this anxiety, no matter how unrelated to his death, is dangerous when he’s so easily brought back to those memories. like mallory so eloquently put it, he used to get paralyzing flashbacks that would leave him “on the ground clawing his face like a mental patient” with some frequency (bllb, ch30). 

so, gansey found ways to cope. since he’s so sensitive to sensory input, and since the wrong kind of sensory input can so easily set him off, it makes sense that creating a positive sensory experiences can distract/override/replace encroaching memories of the unpleasant, anxiety-provoking sensory experience.

you can see, in practice, how this happens when henry saves gansey from his panic attack during raven day. it takes only a cool glass of water to break gansey out of the overwhelming sensory memories of his death:

He took Gansey’s raven from him and instead pressed something cool into Gansey’s hand. Cool, and getting colder.     […]     Gansey was holding a plastic cup of ice water. It should not have done anything, but something worked: the shocking temperature difference, the ordinary sound of the ice cubes knocking against one another […]” (trk, ch12)

but someone isn’t always there with just the thing to snap him out of his panic, so gansey had to find a way to manage his anxiety on his own, by the minute and by the day.

the most obvious example of this, to me, is the mint leaves. there’s few sensations as encompassing as mint – it’s a smell, it’s a taste, and it feels cool and soothing in a way that’s almost medicinal. it’s definitively the opposite of the experience of allergy-induced asphyxiation and a mouth full of hornets. plus, chewing as a motion itself is known to be soothing, similar to how ronan chews his leather bracelets – it’s a common stim for those with autism, anxiety, and sensory processing disorders. (side note that there is definitely a case to be made for autistic gansey as well, but that’s another post!)

there’s also the thing that gansey does with his lip, where he absentmindedly rubs at it with his thumb. it’s a nervous habit that he never much thinks about, but it’s something he does often enough for all of his friends to notice. the repetition of the motion is calming, and it’s just distracting enough to be comforting and to keep you grounded; as someone who does a very similar thing, i recognized it right away.

then there’s the camaro, full of enveloping sensory input: the roar of the engine, the cracked vinyl seats, the smell of gasoline. there’s his journal, which blue says has “an undeniable tactile pleasure to browsing” - the variety of textures in all the different kinds of paper, the weight of it, the way the pages turn (trb, ch8). even gansey’s tendency to spend his sleepless nights working on building mini henrietta seems very sensory to me – something tactile and distracting, work he can do with his hands, full of textures and shapes and colors.

so! tl;dr: in my opinion, gansey’s anxiety is imbedded in his sensory processing, and he has learned to control his anxiety (to some degree) by creating positive sensory experiences! 

i’m sure i���m missing some things - it’s been a while since i read through the entirety of trc - but i think these are all the big things! and, as always, if anybody has anything to add, i’d love to hear! 

[hypokeimena]

remember the time that adam bought hr flowers and i cry every time i remember it. au where the gangsey didn’t fall together the way it did when they were teenagers and adam and blue were actually in the same elemetary middle high schools before adam started aglionby and get out of henrietta together!!! idk. i think they’re cute and the fact that they chose each other really matters 2 me whatever.

more thoughts under a cut bc i went On

but like the issue from a doylist pov i have issues w the way trc handles issues around fate / destiny / fixed vs changaeble personality traits; i find the fact that blue Chose adam and then got steamrollered by Destiny into having her choice not matter deeply frustrating. from a watsonian pov, yeah, it all makes sense within the text, and etc, but from a... narrative construction pov i find the way Endgame Ships sort of got forcibly and rigidly injected into a plot where the ,,, core of the series is the mutual and iterrelated intense mutual friendships they all have... anyway i find that deeply upsetting and it’s one of the things that i found least satisfying abt trk, and also ties into my deep and abiding bitterness abt the way noah got treated by the narrative  and my recalcitrant dug-in heels that make it v difficult for me to enjoy 60-90% of P*nch Content (while, again, enjoying and finding canon compelling and well-writte)

i mean tbh the answer to why there’s no blue/adam fic is

1. stief had bee pushing bluesey strogly from day 1 2. i dont remember when stief started pushing canon pynch / ronan’s gayness, but it was probably around or slightly after tdt so any disgruntlement abt blue and adam (cute hets) breaking up got overwhelmed by, like, gestures @ the way fandom gets abt canon m/m 3. the big one tho obv is that... blue and adam's breakup ("breakup" idk if theey were ever really Together together) was extraordinarily nasty and leaned into adam's history w abuse in a way that makes the whole thing radioactive and uncomfortable to touch for pretty much the entire fandom no matter which sides of other issues they fall on. i haven’t seen nuanced discussion of this that was’t used a character assassination on someone or other in the entire time i’ve been in this fandom.

that said my Personal stance on That Situation is that i think it was a good and impt scene to occur in character and that i think that it was good that they broke up when they did but also that im :\\ abt the fact that they were put into a situation where, like, narratively, they canot help each other or make each other happy even as friends and etc etc going back to some of trc’s patchy class stuff (why did’t they ever interact in public school! why did’t they KNOW each other, it’s a small town, even if they didnt interact! why didn’t and don’t any of them interact with ay other local kids!) etc etc.

ayway my point is they matter to me a lot and they deserved better!!! like i find their on-the-page plotline arratively satisfying but at the same time CHOOSING SOMEONE TO BE WITH WILL BEAT DESTINY EVERY TIME as far as i’m concerned and im bitter that their relationship ended on the Nuclear Option instead of a more nuanced way!! FRUSTRATING

@katiewont i ship it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯