#i don’t mourn the loss too much but yeah i’ll do it lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

songficsbyrissi · 4 years ago

Text

You’re Mines Still (Erik X Reader)

“They say time heals She can't see her life without me, she's so blind still Fuck that nigga, you can tell him that you're mines still” - Yung Bleu feat. Drake

A/N: heyyyy y’all! Back from the dead again! 🤣 here to drop my shit and dip as always. I’m trying to stop that, I swear. Hennyways, I wanna put a disclaimer here: I have nothing against MBJ. I couldn’t care less about the nigga but I thought it’ll be interesting to have this nigga as the boyfriend, instead of making a character up in contrast to Erik. I think it’s perfect because I’m pretty sure they’re two completely different niggas. And I know “mines” isn’t proper English but I’m going with the title of the song so don’t start with me 😂😂😂 Aight imma let y’all read lol. Hope you enjoy it!

**************

You were doing it again.

You found yourself observing your boyfriend Michael, and comparing him to your ex, Erik. Right now, Michael came into the kitchen and gave you a swift kiss on the cheek to say good morning. It was sweet and nice but Erik would’ve grabbed you by the waist, pulled you in for a long, juicy kiss, followed by a smack on the ass. You found yourself low-key missing that, but you moved on so you had to let that go.

“Michael?”

“Yes, cookie?”

You held yourself back from rolling your eyes. It was a cute nickname, but ever since you told him your favorite dessert was chocolate chip cookies, here this nigga go, making it your nickname.

You shook your head. “Never mind.”

“You seem so distant, babe. What’s on your mind?” He asked from his seat at the table.

You avoided eye contact with him. “Nothing. I’ve just been tired.”

He snorted at this. “It’s because you work too much. I told you to chill.” He got up from the table and kissed you on the cheek. “Alright, I’ll see you later. I gotta go to the office.”

“Bye.” You said faintly as he walked out of the door. That was another thing. Erik could tell when something was bothering you and knew you avoided eye contact when you were lying. Michael just let anything you tell him slide. At this point, you could have a gunshot wound in your stomach and tell him you were fine and he’ll believe it.

You sighed deeply and got your things together so you could go back to your place. Michael asked you to move in with him, but you knew you weren’t ready for that. Not with him.

On your way to your apartment, you remembered you needed to do some grocery shopping, so you pulled up to the supermarket and pulled out your list of essentials on your notes app. The supermarket wasn’t too busy, thank God. You were able to weave back and forth through the aisles with ease. You got to the soup aisle and the broth you needed was all the way on the top shelf. You looked to the side to make sure no one would see you embarrass yourself. Before you could climb, a man’s arm reached up, grabbed the carton of broth, and handed it to you.

You smiled softly. “Thank you so much. I was about to embarrass myself climbing this shelf.”

“I could see that.” The man replied in a familiar voice that caused you to break your neck to look at him.

“Erik....” you breathed nervously once your eyes fell on him. He was still fine as always. The day you run into him, he would be wearing a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. An outfit that gets any girl’s faucet running. You wanted to sneak a glance, but you stopped yourself because you knew he would catch it.

He licked his bottom lip and looked you up and down. Damn him.

“Hey ma...it’s been a while.”

You nodded, looking down at your shopping cart. “Yeah, it has....”

“You still fine as hell.” Erik cracked a smirk and you were getting more and more nervous under his gaze. What the fuck is wrong with you?

You decided to breathe and ignore his statement. “How have you been, Erik?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, which something he always did when he was nervous. Holy shit, he was nervous around you. Why did that bring a pang of joy into your heart?

“I’ve been chilling. I'm still an architect. Still designing houses and getting people to buy them. It’s been aight. I’ve been successful.”

You gave him a genuine smile. “That’s good. I’m glad everything is going good in your career.”

“Yeah, it is. If only you were with me to see it all.”

You sighed deeply, shaking your head. “Erik-“

“I should’ve never let you go, Y/N. You were a good ass woman and you motivated me. I know I messed up but-“

“Erik, I’m kinda seeing someone else right now.” You spat out, preventing him from continuing the monologue he had going. He seemed taken aback by your outburst. Then came denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance all on his face.

“I’m sorry, Erik but I have a new boyfriend now. His name is Michael and he’s great. I figured you should know that.”

Erik let out a dry laugh in response and held his hands up in defense. “Yeah, you know what? I should’ve. A woman like you, of course, a nigga gonna snatch you up. That’s my fault. I hope he treats you well.”

“He does.” You swallowed hard and pushed your cart forward. “You take care of yourself, Erik. I’ll see you around.”

You didn’t wait for a reply. You just continued pushing until you heard his voice.

“You too, Princess.”

You stopped in your tracks for a bit, hearing that nickname for the first time in forever but you continued on your journey, refusing to look back at your ex.

You wrapped up your grocery store trip and went home. Even while you were cooking for your new man, Erik was still on your mind. You couldn’t help but think about all the times you had with him. One memory came back to you and you cringed. The night you two broke up.

“All you can think about are these damn houses! What about our house, Erik?!?!” You screamed coming closer to him, with your fists clenched. “What about all the shit you promised me?!”

“You’re still getting it, Princess! I promise!” He tried to pull you in a hug, but you pushed him away. All you saw was red. You didn’t want him touching you. You stuck a finger in his face.

“Bullshit! I’m tired of your empty-ass promises! I’m better than this! I’m better just being your damn girlfriend for all these years! It’s either you’re wanna be with me forever or you don’t! It’s that simple!”

Erik gathered up all the anger building to yell back. “No! It ain’t that simple! You just don’t get it.” Your angry demeanor softened at his words and you took a seat on the leather sofa. You wanted to cry because this shit was so fucking frustrating. You looked up at him with all the sincerity you could muster.

“Help me get it, Erik. Please. Because I just don’t.”

Erik took your trembling hands into his larger hands. “I just...I just don’t see myself as your husband right now. I got a lot of shit to work out before I can make that type of commitment to you, ma. I just need you to understand that and stick with me. I’m not saying it’s never going to happen. I’m just saying now’s not the right time.”

As much as you tried to prevent it, it happened. Tears were rolling down your cheeks. Erik began wiping them off, but you backed away.

“You keep saying that. When is the right time, huh? When?” You asked then sneered once you saw that once again, he couldn’t supply you an answer. “Just admit it, Erik. You don’t want to marry me. You don’t want to get a house with me, you don’t want to have kids with me. You don’t...” you swallowed hard, trying to find the strength to say this. “You don’t want forever with me. Now I get it.”

Erik shook his head vigorously as you rose from the sofa and he grabbed your hand. “No, baby girl! You’re not getting it! I love you! I love you so much! Please!”

You used your free hand to wipe some more of your tears. “You don’t love me the way I love you, Erik. I’ve been dying to be your wife, but you don’t want to be my husband. So I’m not gonna waste time with you when I can find someone who will.”

You released yourself from the grip he had on you, both figuratively and literally, and packed all your shit up. Despite the protests and guilt-tripping coming from Erik, you still made it your mission to get the fuck out of his apartment and get the fuck out of his life.

After mourning and healing from the loss of your long-term relationship, you met Michael. He was a nice man who looked similar to Erik but was completely different, personality-wise. Your friends noticed how much Michael looked like Erik, but they decided not to bring it up because they knew you would deny it. You were in denial, convinced it was all a coincidence. Deep down, you knew damn well he looked like Erik.

However, he was nothing like him and you thought that would work out in your favor. It didn’t.

You laid wide awake in Michael’s bed. He fell asleep after one round of sex and you were not satisfied. The sex was good, but one round??? Erik used to go at least 3 a night. Erik also would spoon, but Michael was turned away from you, snoring away. Your phone buzzed on your nightstand and you picked it up to see a text from your ex. You sat up in shock and opened it.

Erik:

Ik I shouldn’t b but I can’t stop thinkin bout u. I never stopped.

You took a deep breath and fixed your thumbs to respond.

You:

I’m with someone else, Erik. U gotta respect that.

Erik:

I do I just don’t like it. Can we at least be friends?

You contemplated your answer, then constructed a text back.

You:

Fine. We’ll be friends.

Erik:

With benefits? 👀

This caused you to stifle a laugh that would’ve been loud enough to wake up your boyfriend.

You:

Lmao no! Just friends, Erik.

Erik:

Lol I’ll take what I can get. Good night, Princess ❤️

After that last text, you were smiling yourself to sleep. It didn’t take long for Erik to invite you to group outings with mutual friends to eventually just you and him. It felt wrong but felt so right at the same time. You were alone in Michael’s apartment once again when Erik hit you up asking if you would like to see a house he built that was being pulled off the market. You agreed since you had nothing else to do. It’s just a house.

Needless to say, The house was gorgeous.

“Shittttt look at this fucking closet!” You cooed, entering the large walk-in closet in the master bedroom, and turned around to look at Erik with an enormous smile on your face. “Erik! You did that shit! This is my dream house! If I had the money, I would buy it right now!”

Erik chuckled with his arms folded. “It’s already bought, Princess.”

You scrunched up your face in disappointment as you stood against the marble island table in the middle of the room. “Ughh for real? I bet they don’t even like it like that!”

“Nah...I do.” He walked up to you slowly.

It didn’t click for your slow ass what he just said. “Of course you like it. You designed it.”

“Nah, we designed it.”

A record scratch went off in your head and you turned to see Erik right next to you. You gazed into his eyes to see an emotion you couldn’t describe. He saw confusion in yours.

“You ain’t noticed how this house is exactly your dream house? Everything you wanted in a house is right here. Baby girl, after you left me, all I could think about you and us and how I fucked us up. I was designing other houses and buildings, but there’s one that was most important to me that I never focused on and that was ours. I remembered our discussions and you didn’t know it, but I took notes of everything we wanted in a house. I finally had the motivation to get it designed, built, and bought.”

Erik built a house for you. He actually listened to you. Even when you thought he wasn’t, he was listening to every detail of what you wanted. You had so many questions to ask, but you were speechless. What were you supposed to say to this?

“I don’t want you to think I was on some creepy nigga shit because I wasn’t. It’s just that this design was gonna go to waste and I was going to let them sell it to the highest bidder, but I just couldn’t. This house was the last piece of you I had left. If I sold it, it was like me officially giving up on the possibility of us. I still had that hope. I’m a stupid ass nigga, I know.”

Your right hand grasped his left hand and he finally spared you a glance to see unshed tears in your eyes.

“I wanted this....from you....for so long. For so long! Why are you giving it to me now?! When I have someone else?!” You threw his hand out of frustration and exited the closet. You didn’t make it far. You just went into the master bedroom and cried your eyes out. You waited so long for this and he’s giving it to you now? When Michael was in the picture? Well, It’s too damn late.

Erik got on his knees and grasped your knees. You stared at him through the tears in your eyes.

“I know you’re building a life with this nigga, but stop. Stop that shit. You know he ain’t the one for you. Fuck that nigga. You’re mines still.” Erik was pleading with you. He began to shed a tear. Holy shit, he meant every word. “Baby, I’m on my knees. Take me back.”

Your ex began planting tender kisses on your knees and traveled up to your thighs, still holding you. Your heart raced at his actions, but you didn’t want him to stop. You missed him. You missed him so damn much. As much as you tried to lie to yourself, you still loved him.

“Erik, get up.”

He obeyed and you took his face in your hands, caressing the sides.

“You’re such a fucking manipulative motherfucker and I hate that I love you so fucking much.”

Erik took your hands into his and kissed the insides. “I ain’t trying to manipulate you, baby. I swear I’m not. I love you and I just wanted you to know that I heard you. You just wanted a nigga to show you that he was serious about you. I get it. While you were gone, I focused on myself and fixed myself because I admit I was dragging my ass with doing that while we were together. It was because I thought you were here to stay so I had all the time in the world to get my shit together. When you left, I saw that I was wrong. I was wrong as fuck.”

You didn’t say anything. You just let him keep talking.

“I love you, baby. All I’m asking for is a second chance to make this right, but if you say no, I’ll sell this house and leave you alone for good. I swear on my Pops’ grave, I’ll leave you the fuck alone, Y/N.” His words were so heartfelt. “I don’t wanna go unless you make me.”

You were hyperventilating through your tears, then a smile formed across your face. “Erik, I love you. I love you so much, baby.”

Erik tackled you with frequent kisses on your lips and it turned into a whole passionate make-out session. He planted kisses all over your neck while he unbuttoned your blouse and you could feel his hard dick through his pants.

“Fuck. I missed this. I missed us.” You breathed when his lips met yours, once again.

“I missed us too, baby.” Erik rested his forehead against yours and stared into your eyes with so much love. “Be my wife.”

You backed away from him and furrowed your eyebrows. “What?”

“You heard me. Marry me, baby. I don’t wanna waste any more time.” He saw the look on your face and his joyful expression turned somber. “You don’t want to marry me?”

You shook your head. “It’s not that, Erik. I always wanted to but just because we getting back together doesn’t mean I wanna rush into a marriage. We gotta fix us first. We can’t even fix us right now because I still have to break up with Michael.”

Erik put a hand through his hands and blew air out of his mouth. “You right.”

“And the way you asked sucked.” You deadpanned but found yourself laughing afterward and he face palmed himself. “Seriously? After all this time, I deserve a better proposal than that.”

Erik chuckled and placed a soft kiss on your lips. “You right. Once again. Imma do better.”

And when he said he would do better, you knew he wasn’t just talking about the proposal.

“You better. I ain’t giving you a third chance. This ain’t baseball!”

This caused him to guffaw, pull you into a tight, loving embrace, and kissed you once again. He had a grin on his face that rivaled the Cheshire cat.

“You’re mines still,” Erik said as a statement and a question.

“Yep. I never stopped being yours, baby boy.”

TAGS: @lifelover4u @dessianna1 @brattywriters-anonymous @marvelmaree @purple-apricots @blackpinup22 @ljstraightnochaser @slimmiyagi @cancerianprincess @iamrheaspeaks @blowmymbackout @vibranium-chakra @nerd-lovely @chaneajoyyy @ohliyaxoxo @chefjessypooh @yourfavoritefavorite @airis-paris14 @ljstraightnochaser @quietstorm-73 @msincognito67 @sociallyawkward18 @mychemicalimagines @nerd-lovely @marvelpotterlove @destinio1 @madamslayyy @thehomierobbstark @fd-writes @semianta @raysunshine78 @lifelover4u @dessianna1 @brattywriters-anonymous @marvelpotterlove @guccixcucci @blackpinup22 @ljstraightnochaser @slimmiyagi @cancerianprincess @iamrheaspeaks @blowmymbackout @vibranium-chakra @nerd-lovely @chaneajoyyy @ohliyaxoxo @chefjessypooh @yourfavoritefavorite @airis-paris14 @ljstraightnochaser @quietstorm-73 @msincognito67 @sociallyawkward18 @mychemicalimagines @nerd-lovely @marvelpotterlove @destinio1 @madamslayyy @thehomierobbstark @fd-writes @semianta @raysunshine78 @fd-writes @rbhp @fandom-fangirl22 @bigchoose

(Sorry if you got double tagged or I missed you. I need to get my tags together I know )

#Erik Stevens #Erik Killmonger #erik killmonger fic #erik x reader #erik killmonger x you #erik killmonger fanfic #Erik killmonger fanfiction #Erik killmonger x black reader #erik kilmonger x reader #erik killmonger fanfiction #Erik killmonger fluff #you're mines still #black panther #black panther imagine #black panther fic #black panther fanfiction #black panther fanfic

373 notes · View notes

rikalovesrice · 3 years ago

Text

My Thoughts on Trollhunters : Rise of the Titans

WARNING : ALL THE SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW

Mmmmm. Okay. So I just finished the movie. I’m fatigued as always so this’ll be a bit of a mess lol. Gotta spew the thoughts while they’re still fresh, y’all know how it is.

Right out the gate, I definitely want to talk about the things I loved.

The animation was, of course, phenomenal and gorgeous!

Voice acting was incredible as always

MUSIC SLAPPED

Douxie. I just loved seeing Douxie again and honestly kept my eyes trained on him for most the of movie lol

OK DOUXIE AND NARI SWITCHING?? BODIES??? Definitely didn’t see that coming and I legit started screaming lol

Nari in Douxie’s body is the most precious, chaotic, and wholesome thing like holy cow that was so adorable LOOKIT DOUXIE CROUCHING AND CRAWLING AROUND ON ALL FOURS WITH THOSE NOODLE LIMBS OF HIS I CAN’T --

We called Nari’s mind control and Douxie trying to reason with her!

In the very few scenes they were together, Douxie’s love and affection for Nari really came through. You could really feel how much he cared about her. ALSO THAT TENDER HUG AND NARI’S LITTLE HAPPY SQUEAK MY HEART NO--

Loved Barbara. Always love Barbara.

Walter and Barbara getting engaged

Nomura back in action

Claire being the powerful sorceress she’s become

Loved seeing Aja, Krel, and Varvatos all together again.

NARI VS SKRAEL WAS ALL SORTS OF EPIC AND CRUSHING EMOTIONS.

The way Douxie yelled Nari’s name and ran to her after she died and the remnants of her magic falling all around him, like she was saying goodbye, just *UGLY CRYING*

It was so cool to see Charlie out of his den and flying about like the mighty dragon he is

Loved the Guardians of Arcadia pulling Excaliber out together.

All the gang all going after Bellroc together

YES JIM MY BOOOOOOY

BLINKY DIDN’T DIE

Aarrgh I love you so much

Stuart, what a bro!

We saw a hint of mercy in Bellroc towards the end.

Toby’s death... That was a huge curveball. Jim might as well have cut my heart out with Excaliber as he sobbed over his best friend.

Uh.....um....and.....Er...what else........ .___.

..........Alright so.......It’s about to get a bit brutal from here on out as I talk about the things I didn’t like at all. And the really sad thing is, at least to me, the cons far outweigh the pros in this movie. Because I’m actually having difficulty picking out things I enjoyed, they were so few and far between...which really sucks.

So here we go.

Gosh, where to begin... I guess I’ll go ahead and say this : I’m really disappointed.

Like as I’m here typing this, I’m just thinking, “...That was it? That was the movie?? The big finale???”

So much of this movie just felt....unnecessary. I hate to say almost like filler. The entire intro re-caping the series really wasn’t needed. And then Toby went and restated it all again when he was being interrogated. The pacing, oh my gosh...Guys, the pacing in this movie was not good. The action started and it never seemed to stop. There wasn’t a single moment of rest, of levity, of our characters just being themselves, getting to know each other, being friends outside of the battle. No Reckless Club Segment. No fun, just... I mean Claire and Aja didn’t speak to each other at all. Douxie and Toby hardly interacted. Steve was turned into a gross male pregnancy joke. Jim and Krel barely spoke. Douxie and Aja had nothing to say to each other. Even Aja and Krel didn’t have any moments together. The list goes on. The whole movie was just go, go, go. And it’s so frustrating because there was time for it but it was poorly executed.

Like was the whole break-in to the Chinese Trollmarket really necessary?? Guys, I really found myself not caring. I didn’t care to see this random side quest involving an insignificant new troll character and a Trollmarket that had little to no bearing on the plot. Did I love seeing Charlie, Archie, Blinky, and Claire? Of course! But these scenes were so pointless. So needless. They could’ve written other ways for all our heroes to go after the chronosphere (Maybe we could’ve had Zoe for crying out loud). But instead this vital artifact was the hands of a character we don’t know and don’t care about in a place that turned out to have basically nothing to do with anything.

Deaths. The deaths in this movie. Because of the pacing in this movie, there wasn’t nearly enough time for the emotional impacts to sink in. Nomura? Gone and the only ones mourning her are Aaarrgh and Douxie, who barely knew her. Walter’s death was handled better since we got to see Jim and Barbara actually having a moment to mourn him. The weight of Nari’s death was singlehandedly carried by Douxie, but even that was over before it started. The immense gravity of Toby’s death, which really got to me, was also short-lived to make way for an ending that...I don’t know.

ALSO DOUXIE JUST??? BEING OKAY WITH HIS FAMILIAR, THE ONE WHO RAISED HIM AND WENT THROUGH SO MUCH WITH HIM FOR CENTURIES, LEAVING HIM FOREVER TO BE TRAPPED IN THAT DUMB TROLLMARKET WITH CHARLIE LIKE???

“I hope he’s happy.”

WHAT. THE. EVERLASTING. FRICK.

Douxie’s reaction objectively doesn’t make a shred of sense. Geez, it’s almost like Douxie was expecting Archie to up and leave him someday to be with Charlegmane. Just...what???

What also frustrates me so much is how this movie undid so much characterization and development that happened in Wizards. Or more like all that development didn’t even matter.

What was the point of Steve’s arc in Wizards if he was just going to be reduced to...this?

I was so excited to see Douxie really being a Master Wizard. To see him lead the Guardians of Arcadia alongside Jim. To see him in action as Successor to Merlin and Protector of this Realm.

But no.

Douxie, who had such an incredible arc in Wizards and a character who’s come to mean so much to me in my life, was nerfed and sidelined.

And then time restarts and I can’t help but wonder why any of this mattered at all. What the heck was the freaking point of the suffering, the loss, the pain, the growth, enduring and overcoming so much, the friendships and family spanning across three shows... All gone. Starting all over. Undoing everything, except what Jim went through. As much as I love Jim, I didn’t think he’d be the only character I’d be getting closure for at the grand finale of this entire franchise. But that’s what happened and I really hate it.

Just...all in all, this movie wasn’t satisfying. Not to me. It had its good moments. But not nearly enough. The comedy was misplaced and fell flat. The climax was sorely anticlimactic and didn’t hold a candle to Eternal Knight. The writing, the direction, characterization...For some reason it was all lost and confused and none of it felt right and so much didn’t make sense.

I’m not at all upset with the writers, though, because they still pulled through and did what they could. When the movie did something right, it was beautiful. The things I loved about it I truly adored. No, I’m not upset in the least bit with any of the creative team.

I’m upset with Netflix. I’m upset that Wizards was robbed of the seasons it should’ve had. I’m upset with big cooperations stifling creators. I’m upset that this’ll be it. This is the ending we got and nothing can be done about it.

Aaron did say there’s every possibility for the franchise to continue in some capacity, and I’m hoping for that someday. Because so much, too much, has been left unanswered. So much left to be explored that couldn’t. But until then....I guess this is it. This is what we get.

Now, I want to remind everyone that this is my own personal experience with the movie. These are all my opinions. If you enjoyed every second the movie, that’s wonderful! And who knows how my thoughts will change upon another viewing. But in the meantime, Rise of the Titans really missed the mark for me. I wanted found family badassery and fluff. But nope. Just fighting and heaviness and no payoff. It’s such a letdown...a real shame.

But yeah...Thanks to any and everyone who read to the end of this haha

I still love Tales of Arcadia. It’s a series that has blessed and inspired me so much as an artist, writer, and as a person in general. I do want to keep making ToA content for a while. Cause this movie isn’t the end. Not my ending, at least.

I’ll continue to hope for more Tales of Arcadia in the future (a Douxie spin-off series please Lord pleaaase). We shall see. Until then, fics and fanart fixing this mess galore haha

Until next time everyone! God bless!

65 notes · View notes

resslawx · 3 years ago

Text

So, i wrote this for my Instagram page since it’s where it all started. But since I posted my edits here as well, I felt like sharing it here too.

Blacklist has been a part of my life ever since it aired 8 years ago. Back then, I was a child and I grew up with it by my side.

I’ve always been invested in this show, especially the last 4 years were really intensive. This show, most of all the relationship between Liz and Red + the Keenler bond became a big part of my life - in every meaning. And everyone who knows me personally, or is simply an active follower of my page, knows how dedicated I’ve been for the shipping I’ve grown to love so much.

To see how the show lost its path over the years was sad, of course, but for me it was bearable. It was still okay, even tho it wasn’t the blacklist I fell in love with anymore. But to see it completely destroyed in like 2 minutes, to see 8 YEARS completely destroyed in the blink of an eye? I didn’t see that coming. I didn’t want to see it coming.

When we knew Megan would leave the show after s8, I was already crushed (I won’t talk more about my opinion of how things went with her/the network/the producers/writers because I’m tired of that. We all have our own views. I’m simply talking about the show and its storyline here because that’s what my page is about) but I still hoped they’d give her character a… 'decent' ending?

As a keenler, I sure hoped for her to simply disappear, to leave a door open for their deserved happy ending. But most of all I hoped that the character of Elizabeth Keen would get the answers she deserved, the answers this whole damn show was built on finding!

I’ve read many things awesome people wrote, things I can fully relate to. I share your anger, pain, frustration and questions.

Reddington and Liz were the core of the show and to me, everyone who disagrees (or says that red was the only important main character) simply didn’t understand the show and its concept. Save your time and don’t try to argue with me about that.

Their relationship has been the show’s heart.

Liz’ questions and her try to find the answers to them.

And in the end, she died without them.

If you’re saying, she got the answer who red is by realizing he’s her mother - it wasn’t really confirmed. Besides, even if this should be the solution, then Reddington didn’t even bother to TELL her while she was DYING.

But oh, don’t get me started on how I started to dislike Reddington more and more this whole season because in my eyes he became selfish, his actions not about “keeping Liz safe” anymore - honestly, the Liz and red bond was thrown into the 🗑 for a long time already and even tho I hoped it would become better again, I had set my piece that it wouldn’t happen. I guess that’s another reason why keenler started to be my only reason for watching.

I’ve never been a fan of the rederina thingy theory but tbh at this point I don’t even care about it anymore. As many of you already said: What’s the point of us learning his real identity (if we ever would lol) if Liz isn’t there to learn about it anymore? Yeah, none. She was the one who should’ve gotten those answers, it’s not important anymore.

Liz may have annoyed me at times, made me angry or disappointed. But I still loved her and not just as "a character to throw into a ship I want to exist" as I heard some people say. She didn’t deserve this ending, nobody did.

[and if I see one more person blaming ressler for her death — for gods sake.]

Back to the heart of my page: keenler.

Who truly knows me knows that I had no problem with people who didn’t ship them because it didn’t stop me from doing so.

I like to say that it has been my once in a lifetime ship. I strongly believe that people like us, who find comfort in fictional characters of books, movies, shows, games and so on have that one special show / character / ship / relationship or whatever which keeps them sane like no other. That’s what keenler has been for me, no matter what might come in the future. I’ll never be as invested as I was with them.

The last few years had some p r e t t y rough times but I always found comfort with them. Over the time I published my edits here, many of you told me they could see how much heart I put into them (what made me really happy btw). And yes, I did. Because they made me feel like nothing else ever did and comforted me in times where nothing and nobody was able to do so.

Y’all know donald ressler will always be my favorite character of this show (✌🏻) but i grew to love this ship which had such a big influence on his character just as much. The way they ended them is more than hard for me. And with them, everyone lost.

Reds whole dedication to keep Liz safe failed.

Well, Liz lost.. everything.

Ressler lost the woman he loves for the second time. At this point I believe the writers simply never wanted him to have a happy ending.

The task force doesn’t exist as one anymore, their relationships are torn apart.

I don’t want to go into more detail, I just wanted to post something because people kept asking me about some things here.

Will I keep editing? Honestly I don’t know.

This page was dedicated to something that’s now dead. Yes, I want to do at least one last edit for them. They deserve it, I need it. But I’m not able to do so at the moment.

For now, I’m mourning. Mourning the death of a fictional character, mourning the death of the ship that was a part of myself, mourning a show that once brought me so much joy and is now destroyed.

I’m honest here, I’m not doing well but I’m trying. It’ll get better, at some point it will. But I know i need time. What feels like the loss of 8 years isn’t grieved in 4 days.

I’m still around, feel free to talk to me whenever you want (Instagram, Twitter, tumblr, wherever).

To those close to me, my friends, no matter in “real life” or those I met in this fandom: thank you. Thank you for being here, helping me through something (some of) you might not even understand. You know who you are and you are appreciated.

Let’s mourn together ? It’s all we can do.

Also: a big thank you to everyone who has always been such a supporter of the work I’ve done here ❤️ for me, posting your edits, is like posting a part of yourself and I’m truly grateful that you accepted it - and that it brought you so much joy!

#keenler #the blacklist #donald ressler #elizabeth keen

47 notes · View notes

ambiguousdisorderken · 4 years ago

Note

in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel. Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” // Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23 – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references.

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is).

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

#Anonymous #thanks for coming to my ted talk #im posting this at 2:30 am so i'll most likely reblog it at a more reasonable hour ..in case anon is closer to my time zone #why am i even saying this..im sleepy #destiel #answered #destiel episode guide #there might be number/name mistakes because again sleepish.forgive me #long post

119 notes · View notes

thotsforvillainrights · 3 years ago

Note

may i please have headcanons with dialogue, or a scenario with dialogue, of geten going grocery shopping with his s/o who loves domestic couple activities like this?? please make it fluffy and maybe romantic tysm! i guess he doesn't need to hide his face when they casually go outside because 1) it can occur in deika city aka the mla's territory 2) seems like he does his villain stuff with his face covered lol.

~Grocery Shopping~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

You shoved the Ketchup bottle out of the way to reveal nothing but 5 day old leftovers and other condiments as well. When closing the fridge and opening the freezer, you found nothing awaiting up there but ice cubes and old popsicles from last year. After closing the freezer door too, you peeked at the lengthy paper list on the door. “Mmmmm yeah, it’s about that time I guess.” You spoke nonchalantly as you began gathering your outing items. Geten paused from what he was doing and looked up from his spot on the living room floor. “About time for what?” However, when he saw you grabbing the list and keys then he knew. He groaned actually began pouting. “Don’t tell me a grown man is acting like a child over grocery shopping. Besides, we wouldn’t have to go out for so much stuff if you didn’t hesitate for so long. Enough pouting, I’m starving so let’s go!” You excitedly shouted as you headed out the door. Geten followed reluctantly behind.

It didn’t take too long to arrive at your preferred grocery store considering the fact that you guys tended to stay within Deika city limits when conducting mundane stuff like shopping. Traveling was reserved for fun trips and shopping sprees!

“I still don’t see why we have to go today of all days. It’s sudden and annoying.” He grumbled when you two stepped into the store. You rolled your eyes and smacked the back of his head. “Like I said earlier, that hesitation is why. If you looked forward to running errands more often then we wouldn’t put off on them for so long. Now cut that griping and groaning and go grab a cart.” You ordered before placing a soft kiss on his cheek and watching him blush and scoff. He did as he was told as you went to get your own cart too. The both of you tended to shop like this all the time. You would go collect the household items needed like toilet paper, towels, and bleach, while he would collect some food like breads and meat. At the end, you two always would meet up with the carts and shop for the snacks and leisure items together. Today was no different from any other day of course! You both went about your respective ways, gathering the things on your respective lists until it was time to meet up in the middle of the snack isle.

“Got the dish soap?” He asked as he was reading the back of a chip can.

“Only if you got the Steaks of course.” You replied with a smile as you walked over to him and gave him a soft squeeze on his hand. He didn’t look at you because he was reading, but he still smiled a small smile. It was a warm and gentle one...one only reserved for you that you swore to yourself and the heavens above to cherish each time it happened. “Is it practical to get 4 different flavors of the same chip brand if I only ever take one with me to work?” He asked as he peeked up at you from the corner of his eyes. “I don’t know, but for every different chip can you buy then that warrants me being able to buy that same amount in pastries.” You replied and his head darted around towards you. “And have you bouncing off the walls every night while I’m trying to sleep? Hell no, I’ll just get one flavor.” He tossed the chips into the cart and moved forward to the nuts. You sighed and mourned the loss over the idea of multiple pastries. While he debated peanuts vs cashews, you crept over to the ice cream isle and grabbed a pint or two of your favorites. Each time he turned his back and looked back in the cart, he noticed something new being added. He rolled his eyes but laughed a bit at the thought of you even trying to be sneaky when you tried this every time you two went shopping.

When it was time to check out, you both wheeled the carts to the line and waited. Your time was nothing compared to his. You always found a way to occupy yourself in the checkout line whether that be debating on last minute snacks to add into the cart, or skimming through the magazines with outrageous headlines that never made any sense. Meanwhile he was busy suffering! Geten didn’t really mind grocery shopping with you once you two get there. It was the checkout line that he hated the most! No matter what time you two get there, the place is always crowded at the line. On top of that, they always seem to only have 3 people working the lines! Nevertheless, he endured it because it was nearly over and then he could have you to himself for a relaxing evening of doing nothing. Once it finally ended, he agreed to drive you guys home. The whole way back you only seemed to stare at him with pure love and admiration. Doing small things like grocery shopping with a person you truly love can make you feel like you were on top of the world.

Unknown to you, Geten felt the exact same.

»—————————–———————————————————–✄

Instagram: @pastelbattydraws & @pastelbattystore

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRNMJH7vHL7APNobUykhK4w?view_as=subscriber

#bnha #mha #boko no hero academia #my hero academia #geten #bnha geten #mla #meta liberation army #pla #paranormal liberation front

20 notes · View notes

lavender-lotion · 3 years ago

Text

Fanfic Writer Asks

I was tagged by @asarcasticwitch - thank you so much!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

737, which is an ugly number :(

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,890,054 words, which ... AH I might actually get to 2mil by the end of the year!

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

thank you, ao3 dashboard for this handy list:

Teen Wolf (TV) (377)

X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies) (187)

Marvel Cinematic Universe (93)

Glee (29)

Young Justice (Cartoon) (11)

Kingsman (Movies) (9)

Original Work (9)

The Avengers (Marvel Movies) (8)

Criminal Minds (US TV) (7)

Thor (Movies) (6)

Deadpool (Movieverse) (5)

Weird City (TV) (5)

X-Men (Original Timeline Movies) (4)

Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga) (4)

Ragnarok (TV 2020) (4)

Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) (3)

Teen Wolf (TV) RPF (3)

Iron Man (Movies) (3)

The House in the Cerulean Sea - T. J. Klune (2)

Venom (Marvel Movies) (1)

Stranger Things (TV 2016) (1)

Captain America (Movies) (1)

Fate: The Winx Saga (TV) (1)

Power Rangers Ninja Storm (1)

X-Men - All Media Types (1)

Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan (1)

Riverdale (TV 2017) (1)

X-Men Evolution (1)

Push (2009) (1)

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

With You, I Belong

Mates and Marriage Proposals

The Perceptions of You and I

(baby) maybe that matters more

Breathing You In

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

ughh so, fair warning, I have a lot of works. I definitely do not remember all of them, however I do have four works tagged as Unhappy Ending and then another nine works tagged Ambiguous/Open Ending, which is way more than I’d thought I had!

however, there is one fic that stands out in mind when I think about which of my works has the angstiest ending! Heed the tags :)

And Now?

Stiles Stilinski finds out who his soul mates are by setting one on fire.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

ughhhhhhhh I truly do not know???

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don’t write many crossovers at all! I have some mcu/teen wolf cross overs, I have a teen wolf/glee cross over plotted (that i’ll probably never write), but my strangest is probably this teen wolf/x-men cross over!

what-ifs (don’t fuckin’ matter to no one)

Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M | X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)Teen Wolf (TV) | Logan (X-Men)/Sheriff Stilinski | Logan (X-Men), Sheriff Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski | Memory Loss, Telepathy, Mentions of War, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Neglect, Grief/Mourning, Telepath Stiles Stilinski, Telekinetic Stiles Stilinski, Nightmares, Cuddling & Snuggling

There’s somethin’ there. Somethin’ that has him sleeping curled up on his side with a pillow tucked to his chest, somethin’ that has him splittin’ up his food ‘fore he eats ‘cause he don’t need as much as a baseline. Has him turnin’ to tell someone shit that ain’t there. There’s just...there’s just somethin’ there that’s missin’ and it shouldn’t be missin’.

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes! I don’t write a lot of smut because I actively dislike writing it, but the smut I do write is super super soft and sappy and full of emotions lol

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I respond to almost all of my comments! comments i won’t respond to: negative comments, unsolicited criticism, comments that aren’t relevant to the fic itself, comments simply asking for more

I love love love responding to comments! I love every single comment that I get and I want to show how much I appreciate getting them, and personally I think responding to comments is the only way to do that! everyone has different comment philosophies, but for me, if someone is taking the time to comment on my fic like I so badly want them to, I think it’s important to respond to show my appreciation!

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha YEAH I DO. this past weekend I actually got a number of shitty comments and had to file two ao3 abuse reports for harrasment (: I love it

I am no stranger to hate comments. I write copious amounts of age difference fic. I write copious amounts of incest. I am not going to apologize nor am I going to feel bad for enjoying either.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

ughhh I sure as heck hope not!

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I have a number of them :) I always always do my best to make sure it’s linked to the original fic, AND that I add a tag noting that there’s a translation!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have made a few attempts! the only successful attempt is there's nothing i wouldn't do to make you feel my love which is a collaboration with @flightinflame, not quite a co-write!

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I am unable to answer this lol I don’t have an all-time favourite. mutli-shipping forever.

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

god okay this is such a good question! imma ramble about a few so bear with me here! (i may have 700 posted works but I also have a few hundreds wips & ideas floating around in my gdrive, too)

gone & past - this is a starrish wip i’d started in 2017. I ended up deleting it from ao3 to rewrite it and never got there, but I have about 20k of content! I built my home, inside of you - thorki human au with college jock thor and high school dancer loki. i’ve got a start and nothing else Sheriff Stilinski Gets Some Sweet Sweet Lovin’ - massive wip where... well, the sheriff fucks his way through the entire pack. I want to write it but. trans allison au - this is an au where allison is trans and that changes the entire season 1 canon. it features stallison, petopher, and a looooooong ass outline that will never exist beyond my wips You Fill My Heart (With Such a Gentle Love) - this is a stetopher a/b/o au with pregnant omega stiles and alpha pair petopher falling in love. it started as a labour of love to someone I no longer have in my life. I have about 30k, a full outline, but idk. makes me sad to think about it they slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered - this is my big x-men first class rewrite that I honestly don’t think i’ll ever finish. I have a few thousand words, a full outline, but no love lost for cherik so. doubtful Physiotherapy (I'll Be Your Baby) - this was a fic I was SO excited about, and then it kinda flopped and stayed a wip because I didn’t have a plan or the motivation to finish it. it’s a winterspider human au with amputee bucky and science twink peter that I adore the premise of but who knows breathing you in chapter 2 - I have a massive second chapter planned for this fic but the first did so good so fast I am way too intimidated to write more in case everyone hates it lmao

there are more arjgoirjeg there are so many more but these are the bigger ones I can think of right now!

16) What are your writing strengths?

ughhhhh I hate answering this because I have, like, seriously bad imposter syndrome around my writing BUT I do think i’m able to weave poignant backstory into narration & i write strong, distinctive narrative voices!

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

literally I can’t write settings at all. I don’t know how people vividly describe settings but I absolutely cannot do that and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t delved into original fiction. I need to write the town my characters live in?? fuck that imma just use a location we’ve seen on screen & let readers fill in the blanks lmao

I am also shit at long fic. I don’t have the mind for long and interesting plots, and I don’t have the focus to write long fic (which is why every long fic i’ve ever posted has taken me literal years to complete smh).

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I like it! both as a reader and as a writer. as a writer, I generally only use a few words, or small sentences that can be understood by context, and I generally don’t

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the last thing I wrote and posted was this one:

Languish

It was a really, really hot Saturday, and most of the school was outback, enjoying the sun, not caring about the heat, and having the time of their life.

Everyone but Bobby, of course, who was melting away.

“I just want to remind everyone that I make ice. I am the Ice Man. I am not built for the heat and soon enough I’m going to melt away into nothing.”

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

this is another impossible question! I have a few I really enjoy, but I really don’t think I have a favourite that stands out above the rest!

i’m tagging: @4magicandmayhem @insertmeaningfulusername @midrashic @wynnefic @ikeracity @stronglyobsessed @elledelajoie @wolfnprey & anyone else who sees it and wants to do it! seriously! go ahead :)

blank questions below the read more!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

16) What are your writing strengths?

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

#lavenderlotion #my writing #writing tag #writing meme

24 notes · View notes

dykesbat · 3 years ago

Text

okok songs from my bruce playlist + reasons

first love / late spring by mitski

“and I was so young when I behaved twenty-five / Yet now I find I’ve grown into a tall child… Please hurry, leave me, I can’t breathe / Please don’t say you love me / Mune ga hachikire-sōde”

pretty self-explanatory! bruce is emotionally immature and just. yeah i feel like he oftentimes does feel the same as he did in that alleyway yknow. maybe he’s realizing the depths of how immature he is right here in the moment of recognizing that the person he finds himself loving right now is also someone he could potentially lose. i think of bruce as someone who loves a lot. maybe here he’s acknowledging how the price of loving is the possibility of pain.

everybody lost somebody by bleachers

THIS ENTIRE SONG BROOOOOOO

“It’s this dream I keep having where I’m begging / Just to give myself a break / But there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to wake up and remember it / I wanna wake up and remember”

Bruce being an avid dreamer is a pretty popular concept n idk I think the concept of his dreams diverging from the nightmares of his loss to a dream of him acknowledging that he’s mourning and wanting the world to stop or like. him having a nightmare where the only coherent words he remembers after waking up is just his internal “i’m so tired” but maybe its survivors guilt maybe its just the desperation to hold on to whatever he can of the people that he lost maybe he's just trying to hold on to all the good and the good memories are just. so intertwined with the pain of loss. but he doesn’t want to let go of it

“I think pain is waiting alone at the corner / Tryna get myself back home, yeah / Looking like everybody / Knowing everybody lost somebody... A reason I see myself in a million faces / A reason I can't stop it all from changing / So come on, motherf*^&r, you survive”

i think these lines can be used to represent him turning his pain into his efforts for making gotham better. basically just. redirecting the love into the city and the people rather than only mourning. obv it would be his entire mission after his parent’s deaths. and for canon continuity reasons—since it's a bit more hopeful maybe it's after jason’s death and after tim comes around? idk i imagine bruce remembering his parents and remember jason around the manor hallways and on the city rooftops. the whole “trying to get myself back home” can be like home = the person lost or just. literally bruce trying to put in the effort to dragging himself back home for (himself? tim? alfred? hmm.) n the other lines are just. him seeing himself in gotham and seeing worth in human life. it connects to his compassion and his no-kill-rule and his empathy and his taking in of his children. and like yeah he can’t stop it all from changing he can't prevent every death but he’ll try to. the survive line is also pretty self-explanatory.

garden song by phoebe bridges

“I don't know when you got taller / See our reflection in the water / Off a bridge at the Huntington / I hopped the fence when I was seventeen / Then I knew what I wanted”

ok so I'm thinking. him talking abt dick in the first few lines. probably after reconciling with him after they've been enstranged for so long and he’s feeling regretful for the mistakes he made there while thinking of their past times together. maybe he took younger dick to a place he went to when he solidified his plan to train abroad?

“And it’s gonna be just like my recurring dream / I’m at the movies, I don’t remember what I’m seeing / The screen turns into a tidal wave”

do I have to explain.. avid dreamer bruce,, the movies,, the dream ending terribly,, gn!

“I don’t know how, but I’m taller / It must be something in the water / Everything’s growing in our garden / You don’t have to know that it’s haunted”

idk how to explain it? but just. bruce growing up in a manor that suddenly feels larger than it ever did before. n it feels like he took his parents ghosts w him and left whatever his childhood was back in that alley. and part of him can pick out what he felt on that day. and so much changed and he’s grown? he’s grown older than his father ever was? and he doesn’t know how that's possible?

class of 2013 by mitski

“Mom, can you wash my back / This once, and then we can forget / And I’ll leave what im chasing / For the other girls to pursue…. Mom am I still young / Can I dream for a few months more”

ok no he is not financially struggling n i will b honest this is a self-indulgent song to maximize relatability <3 but my decision to put this song was also based on the idea of him just. missing him mom so muchhhh?? maybe a dream? maybe the aftermath of fear gas? who knows but here the “forget” will just be for his parent's deaths. I imagine this to be somewhat akin to the mask of phantasm monologue he has at his parents grave. (spoilers for that: he’s basically asking his parents for forgiveness for potentially abandoning his oath of bettering Gotham as Batman). last line makes me #$%^&*( just. hnnnnnnn imagine him waking up blurry eyed and brain fogged and he’s just grasping onto the false belief of his parents still being there n clinging on to the comfort of his pre-crime alley childhood before he truly wakes up.

sick of losing soulmates by dodie

okok this is on my bruce + romance playlist too bc it reminded me of batcat and bruharvey. it can also be interpreted as his fam ig? but I feel like that doesn’t apply for most of the song.

“God knows what I would be if you hadn’t found me / Sitting all alone in the dark… What the hell would I be without you / Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth… Cause I’m sick of losing soulmates / So where do we begin / I can finally see you’re as f$:$:&ed up as me / So how do we win”

I just think. that. Bruce would have abandonment issues. first four lines can be taken for all three (batcat, bruharv, the family) interpretations. the truth being hidden doubling both as his identity as Batman and just. the fact that he loves them lol (batcat, bruharv). last three lines lean towards bc and bh but personally they reminded me more of bat cat (probably bc ppl always say they’re so similar). basically I feel like this song could signify their fears of losing each other in whatever way that means (romantically, platonically, death) bc they both care for each other so much and impact each other so muchhsuagdj but at the same time it feels like its bound to end badly. (ofc it doesn't. whether or not they like. break up from a romance or have a falling out between friends i’d like to think some time after they heal they become reconnect n their relationship w each other is stronger and so alike what it was before but different bc its just. so much healthier this time. and to copy and paste from my thoughts on my other playlist: bruce crashes at selinas house sometimes and she makes the him catsit for her bc she thinks it’s funny when he complains abt her cats and calls them mean names and then gets a picture of bruce knocked out cuddling them like 30 m later courtesy alfred)

#ok to rb but idk how coherent this is 😭😭#bruce #dc comics #hi i made this playlist a while back and wanted to spill some Thoughts abt it #it has like 25 songs though so im not gonna go through them all esp since a bunch are just. self indulgent jsalkhd.#literally so many lines from these songs could apply to the version of him i think of n i am losing itttt #long post #mutuals feel free to ask for the playlistttt

11 notes · View notes

cozyforjate · 4 years ago

Text

MacGyver 5x03-Review

MacRiley fam, this will be my last MacGyver review. Thanks for the support and the great feedback on my reviews so far. You guys are awesome! But i’m taking a looong break from this show. I’ll be watching the Jack episode and if we get a Bozer, Matty or Riley centric i’ll tune in to watch. But my passion and excitement for this show is mostly over now.

I have so many things to say about 5x03 but if i start to express all my feelings i’m afraid i might break Tumblr. LOL

This probably wouldn’t feel like a proper review coz i’m gonna focus on the RETCON that the writers pulled out of their asses to keep MacDesi together.

Ok so for people who are not familiar with the word “retcon”; it means changing an aspect of a fictional work by introducing a piece of new information, typically used to facilitate a dramatic plot shift or account for an inconsistency.

The writers usually pull a retcon, when one aspect of an already canon plot isn’t working well. You can call it a “fix-it” method.

In terms of MacDesi, they retconned some moments from season 4 that defined this relationship. I think the new showrunner and the writers team realized that MacDesi has become quite “toxic” during season 4. But because the additional episodes kept them together, they needed to at least fix this relationship.

From their POV it’s understandable to a degree. But from a viewers POV it’s total BS. Because what we watched in season 4, can’t be changed.

We remember the unhealthy dynamic between them, we remember the lack of trust between them, we remember how incompatible they were, we remember how they couldn’t communicate with each other, we remember Mac not letting her in emotionally, not opening up to her at all, we remember how much they BOTH hurt each other, we remember Mac’s own words on their relationship.

Most importantly we still remember 4x12. How quickly Desi turned her back on him, how she brought his mothers and aunts names into their ugly fight, how Mac said he’d say anything to get her off his back, we remember how she and Russ left Mac no choice but to improvise a plan to save lives, we remember Riley risking everything to protect him and be there for him. WE REMEMBER.

So when you dismiss all of that and re-write MacDesi as if they’re this great couple, it’s not going to work for people. And when you tease MacRiley the whole week with promos, exclusive pictures, articles, SM promotion; promising progress between Mac and Riley only to walk over everything that made them special, you get a lot of NEGATIVE reaction from the fans. With good reason.

* * *

Episode started with Mac and Riley on a picnic mission. The scene was amazing in every sense. The colors, lighting, the conversation between them, the almost kiss, the way Mac held Riley and they lied down for a while, the smug smile on his face and the looks he gave to Riley were all awesome! The car chase was super fun too!

But then everything went down the toilet. Coz in the next scene Mac was complaining to Bozer about how Desi wasn’t spending time with him and avoiding his date attempts. In this scene they retconned Bozer too. For the first time, Bozer encouraged Mac to go ask Desi out and fix their relationship.

Normally Bozer would never do such a thing. Why? Bcoz he’s been against a romantic relationship between them ever since Desi first showed up in 3x14. Bozer thought it was a bad idea from the start, called them Mesi (messy), he didn’t think it was a good idea to bring Desi back on the team in 4x01, coz MD break up was NUCLEAR. So up until 5x03 Bozer was never on Team MacDesi. Lets also remember this exchange between them:

In 4x12 when Bozer was trying to save Mac and Riley’s lives, he turns to Desi...

Bozer: Desi, back me up here.

Desi: Sometimes we need to sacrifice the things we love for the greater good.

So after 4x12, one would only expect that his thoughts on MD would get stronger. But guess what? Bozer is now supporting MD. Just like that. I don’t buy it writers, sorry.

Back to the scene… Mac wants to go on a date with Desi. And he is so desperate about it. We had to witness one of the most awkward scenes between them. Not only that but we had to sit through Riley throwing smiles at MD, saying her feelings for Mac was just Codex adrenaline. Riley, who couldn’t watch any interaction between MD, is now totally cool with them!

And lets just say that Riley was pretending she’s over Mac, that she lied to Bozer bcoz she’s trying to move on. We already watched her having feelings for Mac, hiding those feelings and pining for him. Her one-sided love can’t drive the plot anymore.

Besides she didn’t need to give her blessings to MD. It was an overkill. I really hated the scene where she says “Don’t screw up this time” to Mac…That was totally out of character for Riley.

Riley who reminded Desi that Russ & her were gonna nuke them,

Riley who said she went after Mac coz she trusted him &asked Desi "Why didn't you?",

Riley who risked it all to protect Mac, tells Mac not to screw it up with Desi.

By saying those words, Riley makes it known that Mac was the one screwing up his rl with Desi. Desi had no fault. Once again the writers used my favorite character to prop my least favorite character. Shame on you!

***

I’m not gonna talk about every MacDesi scene in this episode. But let me just say that the writers turned Mac into a desperate, begging, lovesick puppy. He asked Desi for a date like 5 times, apologized twice. Kissed her out of the blue. Bcoz lets face it, that scene was so unnecessary. Nobody was onto them, the police car was passing by slowly and if the police were really suspicious, why would they look at the couple kissing instead of checking who’s in the car? So stupid. Oh and while they were kissing for minutes with great lighting and all, General Ma escaped. Mac acting this stupid, is not something we are used to see. But what you gonna do? I guess love is not only blind but also destroyes brain cells in the process.

Anyway, Mac literally begging Desi to go on a date with him was agonizing to watch. Every time he offers a new dating idea, Desi’s answer is NAH. Back in the picnic scene she made it sound like she wanted to date Mac, but of course she needs to make him suffer first!

I only like to point out the scene where Mac –finally- opened up to Desi about the fishing trip he and his father went together. This story is obviously precious to him. He called it a happy memory. Clearly he misses his father, still mourning for his loss. So he shared his happy memory and asked if she would like to go fishing with him. Desi’s answer? “Not gonna go fishing with you as our first date!” You can read the dissapointment on his face. And my heart breaks for Mac but this kind of treatment is something he’s asking for.

He is desperate to get Desi back. The fact that they are the worst match ever, doesn’t change sh*t. Mac wants Desi and he loves Desi for god knows why.

***

Btw- the whole “lets blame only Mac for Codex and ignore Desi’s wrongdoings” plot is disgusting. Yes, Mac suffocating Desi and Russ to escape Phoenix with Scarlett was wrong. Yes he hurt her, yes in a sense he betrayed her. AND HE APOLOGIZED. But what about Desi? What about her betrayel?

First they made Riley apologize to Desi for following Mac and now they made Mac apologize… But no apologies from Desi. The writers are obviously worshipping Desi and they’re ready to sacrifice every character to make her look “perfect”. I’m sorry but i’m not here to watch the Desi show, or more MacDesi nonsense.

***

Mac said Desi is the woman he loves… but not only that, she is also the woman who guided him back. And the RETCON is really strong with this scene.

Lets remember…

In 4x08 Mac loses his father, at the end of the episode Desi wants to go with Mac but Mac stops her, telling he’d see her tomorrow.

In 4x09 Desi says he can share his burden with her, Mac’s not interested, he says what he needs is to stop Codex.

In 4x10 Mac makes apocalypse kits for Riley and Desi. Desi’s so happy she got a crossbow and didn’t think those kits were a bad sign. But Riley notices that Mac is not in a good place, he needed help and support. Riley shares her concerns about Mac with Desi. She probably thinks it’s not up to her to be the one doing that when Desi is the girlfriend. So after her conversation with Riley, Desi makes soup and gives Mac a compass. Saying he’s not lost (he clearly was tho). She askes if everything’s ok, he looks different but Mac says, he’s just tired.

In 4x12 Mac is lying in bed, lost in his own mind, he gets up, leaves the compass on her side of the nightstand… On the run he ignores Desi’s calls.

Then things get really ugly for MacDesi. Desi says “You are so drunk on somescrewed-up cocktail of your mom, your aunt, Codex science...”… She says “You're compromised”… Mac was just trying to get Scarlett on their side to stop Codex but Desi couldn’t see it. She thought Mac was losing it!

And then Desi sides with Russ and turns her back on Mac. Russ dismisses Mac from the Codex mission. Mac's forced to improvise. Bcoz he wants to stop Codex without bloodshed.

So as you can see they completely re-wrote the events of 4x12 to fix MD.

Desi says: “I had front-row seats to the war that raged in you last year, and I can't do that again. Lose you.”

She was ready to sacrifice him for the greater good. But yeah, sure! Why not.

Mac says: “Des, I know it looked like I was lost, but you were there the whole time, guiding me back home.”

THE WHOLE TIME.

In 3 times she “tried” to be there for him, Mac didn't let her in emotionally but lets just say that she brought him back to his senses.

Lets just say that the compass he left on her side of the nightstand represents that it guided him back. (btw lets also ignore that the compass Mac gave Desi back was a different one. Who knows, maybe he threw it in the garbage during the pandemic and bought a new one)

Lets just forget who really brought him back. Lets just ignore what Riley did for Mac. How she saved him, how she was the one who risked everything for Mac. How she was the one there by his side when they were facing a missile.

Only if we forget and retcon history we can all buy MacDesi.

But i can’t… I can’t forget, i’m not ok with a retconned half-ass love story that they want to sell with MD. I can’t sit through the episodes and keep watching the “flawless Desi” show.

This show isn’t entertaining to me anymore. I can’t recognize Mac, i’m pissed that my fav characters are being used as tools to prop Desi.

One last thing before i say my final goodbyes:

The lighting in this episode was so weird. In almost every scene, heavy light effects distracted me. Usually they use it when they show you a flashback, a dream or a hallucination to seperate the real-time scenes from others. But this episode had them from the start to the end. So i don’t know what to make of this.

Some of the dialogues had subtexts…

Leland to Russ: Now, I know you don't care about much in this world, but even the best of us can be blinded by those we love.

General Ma to Mac: I was blinded by him (Leland) once. I-I won't be blinded again.

Mac: Many things blind us. Anger, betrayal, even love. But sometimes, a little blindness can work to your advantage. You can create a fog that will cause the world around you to disappear.

Normally i would dive deep into the subtextland. But i don’t think the writers were trying to give some deep message or anything.

I do believe that Mac is totally blinded by his “idea” of love… But i’m done waiting for him to open his eyes. The Mac i watched in this episode is not My Mac.

Writers made their choice. They made Mac's feelings crystal clear. He's all about Desi. At this point, Desi breaking up with him would mean nothing to me. Just like Riley still having feelings for Mac means nothing anymore.

Official accounts tweeting “There’s more to come for MacRiley” means nothing to me anymore.

Noone wants a rebound plot but unfortunately it's the only possibility they left to MacRiley. My ship is tainted forever.

And as a Riley stan, i don’t want this Mac with my girl. She deserves better.

#MacGyver #MacGyver review #MacGyver 5x03 #MacRiley #mac x riley #anti MacDesi #MacGyver reboot

62 notes · View notes

clean-bands-dirty-stories · 4 years ago

Text

Breathe ~ the Doctor (part 7)

A/n: The word count got messed up because I did a passage that I added later and forgot to add it before I deleted it, so I didn’t do it this time. I have no idea how long it is, but I figure it’s long enough? Lol

Warnings: PTSD flashbacks, grief, overwhelming emotional pain, death, loss, depression, physical pain (mostly just a sort of headache), slight disassociation.

MASTERLIST

Suddenly the Doctor's arm shot out and that little light from earlier shot forward like a super charged energy beam, beaming into the head of one Cyberman and surging into the head of every Cyberman around them. They all melted, the same way the Daleks did when Rose was imbued with the power of the TARDIS. They were erased from time itself.

A car pulled up, honking behind them, and they all surged in. Mickey grabbed Y/n to the surprise of most people, and he realized why when he sat down and didn't see the Doctor. He almost raced out again, but then Rose and the Doctor joined him just as he stood, so he sat down again and they sat on either side of him, Pete on Rose's other side.

When they were safe and going, Rickey turned toward the Doctor from the front seat. "What the hell was that?"

The Doctor held up the little light from the TARDIS. It was a crystal. Y/n hadn't looked closely enough before now. "Little bit of technology from my home," he explained.

"It stopped glowing," Mickey pointed out, worried. "Has it run out?"

"It's on a vitalizing loop," the Doctor assured. "It'll be up and running in a few hours."

"So we don't have a weapon anymore?" Rickey groaned.

Jack, which seemed to be the name of Rickey's gun happy friend - reminded Y/n of another Jack but this wasn't the time to think about that - huffed, "We've got weapons. May not work on those metal things but..." Y/n tuned them out.

He fell into his memories, escaping this conversation and this world for just a second. He returned to the TARDIS, trying to think of times he and the Doctor had spent laughing or cuddling or eating together and listening to himself and the Doctor tell stories Y/n shouldn't know. Thinking about those stories though, the one Y/n shouldn't know, set off other memories he shouldn't have.

There's a soft breeze. People talk quietly. The sun is warm, but not like on Earth where it's harsh unless it's the morning or evening, when they sun is not completely in the sky yet. It's just a nice warmth, that tickles your skin and fills your insides, like drinking a warm drink on a cold day. Comfortable. I feel a peace. This is my safe place. This is where I go when everything else gets too hard. Too much. This is where I got to be alone. The sun smiles at me, and kisses me on the cheek, and promises to keep me safe.

"You okay, dad?" I turn and there is a child. Young, and small, but not so much that she doesn't recognize the state I'm in. That she can't see that I'm upset.

I smile at her anyway. "Much better now that you're here." She smiles and approaches me. Her hands reach up, but hesitate. "May I?"

Shaking my hand, I reached up and hold her by the wrists to stop her. "You don't want to do that, Darling. It really is nothing. Just having a rough day is all."

Her smile is persistent though. "I don't want to see, silly. I want to show. I've been thinking about a story recently, and I was wondering... could I try and show you? Let you picture it as I do? It might cheer you up. You love stories."

Despite everything, I find myself smiling. "I would love that." She reaches up and takes hold of either side of my face and I relax into her touch as she fills my mind with details of the story she wants me to see.

"Y/n?" He looked over, blinking as he faded away from the best memory he could muster. The Doctor was looking at him, like what he knew what had just happened. Y/n gave him a sheepish wince, but the Doctor shot an understand, sympathetic smile in return. It's okay, he seemed to be saying. "It happened again, hm? You go into memories when you zone out like that don't you?" Y/n nodded. "Well, that's understandable. We're here though. Got to get out and walk. Come on!" Y/n did as he was told, and soon they were walking through the streets of an alternative London, racing against time to save the day.

So, the usual.

Rather suddenly there was a loud beeping sound and people began to stop one by one, only this time they didn't say frozen like before. They turned and began walking in the same direction.

"What's happening?" Rose asked.

"It's the earpods," the Doctor explained. "Lumic's take control."

"Why don't we just take them off?" She asked, starting toward the nearest person.

"Don't," the Doctor commanded, pulling her to a stop. "They're connected to the brain still." He sighed, shaking his head. "The human race. For such a smart lot, you are far too simple. Given the chance, you submit. Sometimes I think you like it. Easy life."

Y/n smirked. "I mean, you can control me anytime you want Doctor. I'd more than just like that."

Before the Doctor could respond - and from the smirk on his face, Y/n got the idea it would be quite the response indeed - Jack called them over. They went to see that it wasn't just the street they were going down. People were coming out of their homes even, all headed the same direction. "Where are they going?" Rose wondered.

"I don't know, Lumic must have a base of operations." The Doctor bit his lip, not pleased with all of the people he couldn't save just yet.

"He's got a factory," Pete told them. "That's where he's been holding a base for ages now. I can take you there, easy."

Rose looked at the crowd, her face sad. "Why is he doing this?"

"He's dying," Pete answered. "This all started out as a way of prolonging life. Keeping the brain alive. Conquering death. At any cost."

"The thing is, I've seen Cybermen before haven't I?" Rose spoke up. "The head? Those handle shapes, in Vanstaten's museum."

"Well yes, there were cybermen in our universe," the Doctor explained. "They started on an ordinary world just like this, then swarmed across the galaxy."

Y/n bit his lip for a second. "If we hadn't come here, do you think they would have won this time? No Timelords to stop them if the TARDIS hadn't pulled us here."

Before the Doctor could say anything, Pete had something to say. "What are you three going on about?"

There was no time to respond though. Rickey stood up, turning around. "Nevermind that. Come on we have to get out of the street. We need to split up. Mrs. Moore, you go that way. Jake, distract them and go right. I'll go left and we'll meet back at Woodlyn street. Move!"

"I'm going with him," Mickey told the Doctor and Rose before giving them a nod and taking off after Rickey, leaving the others to follow Mrs. M as they'd been told. They all ran, the Doctor in the lead, ducking and swerving to avoid those same lines of Cybermen trying to box them in. They turned a corner at one point and ducked behind a bunch of bins, realizing they couldn't win with the running thing. They'd get boxed in just like last time. The Cybermen got close. Too close. So close that Y/n's whole body tensed, as he readied himself to throw his body in the way of his friends. Then the Doctor raised his screwdriver, clicked a button, and the Cybermen turned away like magic.

Then they were gone

Everyone stood and Y/n grabbed the Doctor's face, smacking one on him. "You're a genius, you are."

Light up like a Christmas tree with a grin, the Doctor gave a wink. "Let's be on then." They all took off again, heading to the meet up point.

First came Jack, talking about how much of the city was on the moves. Then, came Mickey. Or, Rickey... Only or, even though it should have been and because they left together. Except now there was only one of them. "Which one are you?" Jack asked.

"I'm sorry." Immediately Y/n realized which one it was. This man was soft and tender. Not as brave or as strong. It was Mickey. For the first time, Y/n realized that he was glad Mickey was the way he was. Rickey was too trigger happy, and too aggressive. Things would have been hell traveling with him. Mickey might be a bit of a coward, but he was a good man and that counted for something. More than he was given credit for. "The cybermen came and I couldn't..."

Jack got suddenly very upset. "Are you Ricky? Are you Ricky?" There was something to his voice that made Y/n sick. It was the same panic he'd heard in his own voice every time he thought he'd lost the Doctor. Oh Jack...

Rose stepped forward. "Mickey that's you, isn't it?"

Reluctantly, Mickey answered, "Yeah." There was a pause and then Rose and Y/n both surged forward to wrap the man in a hug. Everyone seemed surprise to see Y/n do it, but no one said anything about it. If he secretly cared about Mickey and had up until this moment refused to admit it, that was up to him. It absolutely wasn't the case, but even if it was it wasn't anyone else's business alright? Mickey turned to Jack. "He tried, he was running, but there were too many of them."

"Shut it," Jack snapped, turning away.

"There was nothing I could do," he begged Jack to understand.

"I said shut it!" Jack snapped. "Don't even talk about him. You're nothing, you are. Nothing."

Y/n glared at Jack. "Don't talk about him like that."

Again, everyone was too shocked to do much about it, except the Doctor who spoke up in the quiet. "We'll have time to mourn him when London is safe. Until then, we move on."

So they did.

Pete lead the way to the factory he'd mentioned earlier and they stood on a hill, looking at it, trying not to think about how many people were walking to their deaths inside. Y/n stood tall, his hands clenching into fists. "This is horrible," he whispered.

No one responded, just stood in silence and looked at the factory with equally upset looks. After a while the Doctor said, "The whole of London's been sealed off and the entire population's inside that place to be converted." He said the last bit in a mocking tone. It would have made Y/n smile if he hadn't been so angry.

"We've got to get in there and shut it down." Rose's tone was hard. Steely. It fit Y/n's mood perfectly.

"How do we do that?" Mickey asked.'

"Oh I'll think of something," the Doctor drawled in a much lighter tone than everyone else. Y/n forced himself to calm. The Doctor had to have a clear head for stuff like this. He couldn't be boggled down by anger. He didn't express dark, heavy emotions. Once he did, once he released them, they controlled him and drove him too far every time. His strengths was his smarts, and he needed an awake mind for that - being boggled down by red anger wouldn't do any of them any good. Y/n would be the same, if it wasn't for the whole thing with his mum... It didn't stop him from being just a little irritated all the same.

Mickey ruined his anger a bit. "You're just making it up as you go along."

Y/n scoffed, but the sound was too soft. Almost a laugh. "Well yeah. Despite what you think, he's not an all knowing genius. That's what he's got us for. He needs help."

"I do it brilliantly even when I'm alone," the Doctor declared. Y/n shot him a look and the Timelord actually smiled. "I will say, better with friends though. Much better."

Mrs. M pulled their attention over to look something she said could help. She showed them the old schematics of the building. Most importantly: tunnels, underneath the building, that were big enough to move through and could give easy access inside.

The Doctor declared his plan: Under and then up, to the control center.

Pete had his own ideas. "There's another way in. Through the front door." They all looked at him and he continued to explain himself. "If they've taken Jackie for an upgrade, then that's how she'll get in."

"We can't just go strolling up." Jack was getting frustrated, and Y/n could honestly understand.

Mrs. M was a level headed one though, like the Doctor. Unlike him, she was an enabler. "Well we could've. With these," she admitted, reaching into her bag to pull something out. "Fake ear pods. Dead. No signal." Pete took two. "You put them on, the Cybermen would mistake you as one of the crowd."

"Then that's my job," Pete declared.

"You'd have to show no emotion," the Doctor warned. "None at all. Any sign of emotion would give you away."

To Y/n's horror, Rose spoke up. "How many of those are there?"

"Just two sets," Mrs. M responded.

"Okay. If it's the best way of finding Jackie..." She looked at Pete, smiling at him. "I'm coming with ya." She stood to her feet, taking a pair."

"Why does it matter to you?" Pete asked.

"No time," Rose dismissed. "Doctor, I'm going, and that's that."

The Doctor gave her a desperate expression. Y/n felt his insides shrivel. He couldn't lose her now. They'd only just begun. They had so much time. Not yet! He was frozen though, slowed by that damned anger, too focused on all of the emotions he'd felt in one day. He couldn't think of a way to stop her, so what was the point of saying anything at all? "There's really no way to stop you?" The Doctor asked softly, speaking what Y/n was thinking.

"Nope," Rose declared immediately.

"Tell you what," the Doctor sighed. "We can take the ear pods out at the same time. Give people their minds back, so they don't walk into that place like sheep. Jakey boy!" He surged forward and Jake followed.

Y/n turned to Rose. "I can't even go with you. I could... Would you let me take your place?" He asked, quiet and breathless.

Rose smiled, raising a hand up to touch the side of Y/n's face. "I know I'm stubborn and difficult. I know I'm a little muddle a lot of the time. I'm sorry Y/n, for things with your mum. I'm sorry I drove you to do that. But I-"

"Have to," Y/n finished, nodding. "Yeah, I know." He nodded and turned as the Doctor turned back to the group after giving Jack his part of the mission.

"Mrs. Moore! Would you mind accompanying me in the cooling tunnels? Above, below, we can stop the converter machines."

"I would love to," Mrs. Moore responded, shaking the Doctor's hand.

Y/n hesitated, giving Mickey long enough to jump in, "What about me?"

"Mickey," the Doctor realized. Y/n sighed as he realized the man had forgotten Mickey again. "You can, um..."

"What, stay safe? Tag along? Be the tin dog?" Y/n winced at the memory of K-9. Had he been holding onto that ever since then? "No, those days are over. I'm going with Jack.

"I don't need you, idiot," Jack seethed.

"I'M NOT AN IDIOT!" Mickey screamed back. "You got that?" He calmed a little. "I'm offering to help." Jack dismissed him, moving on and allowing it hesitantly. Mickey perked up when he saw Y/n smiling at him. They exchanged nods and then everyone went their separate ways after a few goodbyes, and a good farewell from the Doctor to Mickey. Y/n sort of drifted after the Doctor, realizing he hadn't actually been given a job either. The whole thing with Mickey had distracted from it. Did the Doctor want him to come?

"Aren't you coming?" the Doctor asked Y/n. He nodded, moving again more purposefully. He warmed a little realizing that the Doctor had just assumed immediately that Y/n was coming along with him. The three of them moved toward the head of the tunnel, opening it up and climbing down. The Doctor skipped the last few wrungs so Y/n braced himself and just dropped from the top, landing hard but well. He had learned long ago how to land. "Show off," the Doctor mumbled. Y/n winked.

They were distracted by Mrs. M who mumbled, "It's freezing."

The Doctor looked around. "Any sign of a light switch?"

Like an angel sent from heaven, Mrs. M reached into her bag and pulled out three headlamps. "I've got these. A device for every occasion."

"Ooh," the Doctor cooed as the trio placed the gear on their head, turning it on to light up the tunnel. "Haven't got a hot dog in there have you? I'm starving."

Mrs. M just chuckled but Y/n smirked. "You want want meant-"

"Hush now," the Doctor interrupted. Y/n and Mrs. M both let out a bursting laugh that cut off as they remembered where they were, and that the tunnel echoed.

"Better than what he wanted though," Mrs. M reasoned. "Of all the things to wish for - mechanically recovered meat? Isn't that a bit fitting?"

The Doctor smiled at the irony. "I know, it's the Cyberman of food, but it's tasty." Y/n smirked but didn't say anything - not that it wasn't obvious by the other two's face they knew what he was thinking.

Mrs. M reached in her bag again and pulled out another set of three, but this time they were better than the last if you asked Y/n. "Proper torches," Mrs. M announced proudly.

The Doctor looked down the tunnel, raising his torch. "Let's see where we are." They all nearly had a heart attack when his light hit a a Cyberman, back against the wall. There was another next to the first, and then another and another after the second, stretching to far down the tunnel that they turned a corner and went out of sight. "Already converted, just put on ice," the Doctor whispered. His voice pitched up when he pipped, "Come on." And they did, Mrs. M in between the Doctor who lead, and Y/n who followed behind her. He paused only a second to knock on one of the Cybermen to test if it would react. Nothing. "Let's go slowly," the Doctor decided. "Keep an eye out for trip systems."

Therefore, the journey down the tunnel of seemingly endless Cyberman began.

Eventually the silence got unbearable. Y/n began humming, trying to keep his mind distracted from the fear in his body. He liked fear, it came him ready and awake. It was good for running and dodging. Not, one would say, walking slowly down a dark tunnel with countless machines that could kill you with one touch. Y/n tried to keep them countless too. He forced himself not to count each and every one he walked by. Tried not to think about how many people had been killed so that metal murder machine could be there now. He tried to channel that fear that was so useful when he had to move fast and be smart, into forcing himself to stay slow and occupied.

Mrs. M wasn't a fan. "Could you not?"

Y/n did stop, because he was always about what other people needed more than anything, but he quickly got antsy. He found out pretty soon that he had been subconsciously counting the machines, and the tally picked up in his head the second he wasn't distracted with trying to think of what tune to hum next. So, he busied himself with a different sense, planting his free hand along the wall that wasn't lined with Cybermen, focusing on the feel of the stone to reorient his mind instead. Mrs. M grunted and Y/n offered a terse, "I can't sit in silence. Not like this."

Before Mrs. M could shoot something back, the Doctor piped up. "How did you get into this, then?" For a second Y/n thought the Doctor meant him, but then he clarified, "Rattling along with the Preachers I mean. I know your story Y/n."

Mrs. M sighed. "Oh, I used to be ordinary."

"As we all did," Y/n sympathized, nodding his head.

He instantly worried she might take offense as he had technically interrupted her, but she just nodded. "Indeed. I even worked at Cybus Industries, back then. 9-5." Her voice changed, and Y/n realized she was recalling that past with a sort of bittersweet wistfulness that dropped into relief. "Until one day, I find something I'm not supposed to. A file on the mainframe. All I did was read it." That made Y/n chuckle a bit. That is how it always started, wasn't it? One accident. One moment that you made a decision to answer a question you had, a curiosity that was bugging at you, and then everything changed. "Then suddenly I've got men with guns knocking in the middle of the night. A life on the run. Then I found the Preachers. They needed a techie, so I just sat down and taught myself everything."

"What about Mr. Moore?" the Doctor asked, taking Y/n by surprise. Though... he shouldn't have been surprised, thinking about it. The Doctor might pretend not to care or think of those things, but that's probably what mattered to him most. Having love and a home and a family. Something he'd never get, really. Not as the last Timelord. Not with Y/n, or anyone else anymore.

Mrs. M spoke, pulling Y/n from his thoughts. "Well he's not called Moore. I got that from a book, Mrs. Moore." The Doctor and Y/n both shot her a look and she returned a soft, amused smile. "It's safer not to use real names. But he thinks I'm dead. It was the only way to keep him safe. Him and the kids."

Y/n's heart broke at that. "I can't imagine that. I'm sorry."

"Oh it's fine," Mrs. M dismissed. "Anyway, what about you two? Any family, or...?"

"Oh who needs family?" the Doctor scoffed, putting on the same front he always did when people got too close to things that hurt too much to talk about. Y/n grew quiet, thinking about how his own response probably would have been something similar. "I've got the whole world on my side."

Mrs. M nodded. "And you, Y/n?"

Having had the realization of him similarness to the Doctor, Y/n didn't make the same move. They might have a similar backstory, but Y/n didn't have to act the same about it. "I had one, once. Not- not really much of a family, even then. Very small, and quite broken." He was silent for a moment. "They're gone now. All of them." He shook his head. "Look at me getting all sad and sentimental." He sighed. "What's your real name, Mrs. Moore?"

She hesitated a moment. "Angela Price." There was a hesitation. "Don't you dare tell a soul."

"Not a word," the Doctor vowed.

After a few seconds, Y/n started humming again. This time, Mrs. Prince didn't give him lip for it.

Thought, it could have been because of her mild panic over something else. "Doctor," she breathed urgently, jumping forward, closer to the Timelord. "Did that one just move?" Y/n looked over her head to see the arm of one of the Cybermen bent, where they'd all been stood at attention, limbs straight and ready to be activated.

"It's just the torchlight," the Doctor whispered.

"No way," Y/n argued. "That arm is bent. None of them were bent." As if in response to him, the same Cybermen turned to look at Y/n, its body beginning to turn and take up more of the hallway, making it harder to pass.

That kicked the Doctor into action. "They're waking up. RUN!" They all took off, going as fast as their legs could carry them. They made it to the end of the tunnel that echoed with the sound of hundreds of marching men and the sonic screwdriver working at hyper speed to unlock the lid. Y/n knew it was too late when the lid was finally removed, Mrs. Price's voice mixing with all the others sounds as she began to panic and rush.

The Doctor made it out, and then Mrs. Price. Y/n was only halfway up the ladder when his ankle was grabbed and he was ripped off the ladder and onto the ground. His name was screamed. There was the sound of electricity and pain shot up Y/n's body, like earlier with his mum, except this time he wasn't held mute by shock.

He screamed.

"Close it, it's too late!" the Doctor instructed. The lid fell back into place and the sonic screwdriver sounded, muffled this time by the metal.

The tunnel went silent.

Only for a moment though. Realizing the path up the ladder was sealed, the Cybermen moved back down the tunnel and out of sight, their footsteps fading into the distance. When he was sure they were gone, Y/n pushed himself to his feet, shaking off the pain he'd felt moments ago. He climbed the ladder and knocked three times on the metal hatch. There was a second where Y/n thought they'd maybe left him behind. Perhaps the Doctor thought he'd be fine on his own. The risk was too great. They didn't know if the Cybermen would even leave. Perhaps they'd left him.

Then there was the wonderful sound of the sonic screwdriver, and the lid lifted. Y/n scrambled out of the hole and the Doctor replaced the lid. Once finished, the Doctor turned and pulled Y/n to his feet, hugging him tightly. "I have to stop worrying you like this," Y/n joked weakly.

"I wasn't worried," the Doctor reassured. "It's just nice to see you okay. Even though I knew I just... I like seeing you okay."

Y/n smiled softly. The moment wasn't to last though, because Mrs. Price was not satisfied with what had just happened. "I'm sorry what the bloody hell was that?"

Pulling away from the Doctor's embrace - as much as he didn't want to - Y/n turned to her with a sheepish smile. "Long story but in short terms, he's an alien and I can't die. Get the confusion out now."

Mrs. Price glared at Y/n. "Don't lie to me."

Y/n nodded. "Fair enough. You wouldn't believe the truth then." Mrs. P went to argue but Y/n held up a hand. "No time for explanation, especially with how much it's take to get you to believe us. Let's just go and we can tell you about it later." Mrs. Price hesitated but then nodded, letting it go for now.

They began walking further into the factory to get to their goal and stop the converter machines, but were stopped by yet another Cyberman. "You have not been upgraded."

Quite impressively, Mrs. Price stepped forward, reaching into her bag like Marry Poppins. "Upgrade this," she spat, and threw a small rectangular device at the thing. It stuck to the Cyberman's check and went off, spirals of electricity shooting out and across the metal body. The Cyberman collapsed, unresponding.

Amazed, the Doctor breathlessly asked, "What the hell was that thing?"

"Electromagnetic bomb," Mrs. Price answered. "Takes out computers; I figured it might stop a Cyber suit."

"Well, you figured right," the Doctor complimented.

"He doesn't say that often," Y/n pointed out. "Enjoy it while you can."

"Let's have a look. Know your enemy," the Doctor continued in a rush. He didn't like to admit that he wasn't goo enough about recognizing other people's smarts. To be fair, practically no one could measure up to his intelligence, so it only made sense to Y/n that with such an example as himself everyone else seemed rather plain. Y/n pushed that thought away, reminding himself the Doctor thought no one plain or small. He had always looked at humans and seen a wonder. It's why he was so confused by their occasional stupidity.

The Doctor took out his screwdriver, kneeling next to the Cyberman. He ran the tool along the circle in the middle of the Cyberman's chest. "The other ones didn't have that logo," Y/n noticed softly.

"Different than these ones," the Doctor reminded. "Not much different, but it can be said that Lumic doesn't seem the man to turn down the opportunity to slap his name on anything and everything he can. Even humanity... he's shoved them in metal suits, taken away their hearts and turned them into a brand."

Y/n glared. "What kind of person can be okay with that, just to keep himself alive?"

"Worst of humanity," the Doctor mumbled as he pulled off the front plate finally. "Just as bad as the best is good, which is saying quite good. Humanity is cool that way." He changed the subject, flipping the lid over and showing the wiring on the back. "Heart of steel," he told the other two, as if guiding them through the build. "But look." He reached into the inside of the Cyberman, pulling out stringy bits that were so thin and white they were almost see through."

Mrs. Price looked at the Doctor with a gloomy expression. "Is that flesh?"

The Doctor hummed. "Central nervous system." He put the bits back inside. "Artificially grown then threaded through the suit so it responds like a living thing. Well- it is a living thing." He looked deeper and leaned closer. "Ooh, but look." His finger rested against a sort of square hard drive looking thing that was stuck into the top of the chest. "Emotional inhibitor. Stops them feeling anything."

That made Mrs. Price jerk. "But, why?"

Returning to looking at the two humans, and not the metal thing that used to be, the Doctor began to explain, "Still got a human brain. Imagine its reaction if it could see itself. Realize itself inside this thing. It would go insane."

Y/n rose a hand to cover his mouth. Not because he was crying, but because he was so disgusted on how the understanding had come to him so easily. How he had forgotten what it was like to not understand, and not see. What it was like to look and for once not know what was going on. How it had gone through his mind for a second and he hadn't wept or screamed or ached, but simply acknowledged until the Doctor had said that last bit out loud. As if understanding, the Doctor reached over and placed his free hand on Y/n's shoulder.

"So they cut out the one thing that makes them human," Mrs. Price realized softly.

"Because they have to," the Doctor confirmed, leaning away from the machine with a dark expression.

To the group's horror, the Cyberman spoke. "Why. Am I cold?" The voice was still electronic and processed, but it was hesitant. Broken. Slow wit a pause between each word. Unsure, Y/n realized.

"Oh my god it's alive." Mrs. Price leaned away. After what the Doctor had just said-

"It can feel," Y/n whispered, his voice full of regret and pain as his hand dropped to rest on the metal chest of the poor creature.

"We broke the inhibitor." The Doctor leaned close, trying to be in the Cyberman's line of sight. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

The machine didn't respond to that. Instead it repeated, "Why so cold?"

Skipping past that question, the Doctor asked instead, "Can you remember your name."

"Sally." It seemed to have begun to struggle with each syllable, like speaking was hard. Y/n's head was filled with a woman's face, eyes blinking as her head swam and she stumbled, words fumbling as she tried to orient herself and understand what was happening in all the sudden confusion she felt out of nowhere. "Sally Phelan."

"You're a woman," Mrs. Price realized aloud.

"Where's Garret?"

Suddenly, a man's face. His features were so clear it was like Y/n was seeing him in person. Or, had at one point. He was smiling, his arms open for a hug, his head tilted endearingly. "Not far." Y/n winced as he answered, knowing he was right even though he didn't know why or how.

"He can't see me," Susan suddenly insisted. It was still slow, like she was half asleep, but Y/n could somehow see the expression that would have been on her face had she still been able to make it. Nearly hear the inflections in her voice, had she still been able to expression such things. "It's unlucky the night before."

Y/n closed his eyes, turning away. His rose his hand to his head, feeling a sudden painful pressure behind his skull. There was a thrumming and pulsing and then a hand on his shoulder, but this hand was smaller than a Cyberman's. Softer and warmer. He looked over to see Mrs. Price, who had a concerned expression on her face. Y/n saw a glint of silver behind her as she went to stand, about to encourage Y/n to do the same. But it was all too late. Mrs. Price's shoulder planted immediately into the waiting hand of a Cyberman and her body was covered in those coils of electricity, and she fell, dead.

"No, you didn't have to kill her!" The Doctor wailed, face full of pain as he shot to his feet.

"Binary vascular system detected," the Cyberman answered without a hint of regret. It looked at Y/n, who stood next to the Doctor, taking his hand silently. "I have seen you die. You have died twice now, we have killed you. Yet you live. You are both unknown upgrades. You will be taken for analysis. There were three Cybermen in total, around them, and they began marching. The two men had no chance to grab Mrs. Price's body, and even if they had what was the point?

So, they left her and they marched to whatever was next.

The walk was silent and grim. They were directed to what seemed to be Central Control. They turned the corner to see familiar faces, and to vent his heavy heart the Doctor drawled, "I've been captured! But don't worry, Rose and Pete are still out there." His voice was laced in sarcasm as he and Y/n approached the two previously mentioned, who should be far from where they were now. "Oh well never mind." He shook his head, making it clear he was only teasing. "Are you okay?" He asked Rose.

"Yeah," she offered, but her face said differently. Her eyes drifted to Y/n then shot away very quickly, her face twisting with pain. He felt his own features contort with confusion. What had she seen to upset her so much, and why was there the sense it had something to do with Y/n? "But they got Jackie," she continued. "And..." she hesitated, before deciding to continue. "Y/n, I met your other half. In this world. Um, I know... why your mum said you were missing."

There was something horrible about that. "How did you know it was me?"

"Your mum was... in line. After we were identified, I tried to save her but... then this other Cyberman came up. Said he was her son. He said-" She cut off, but Y/n looked at her earnestly. Despite everything, he had to know. "She's been rejected for upgrading. They... they put her in the incinerator."

Y/n looked at the ground. "I'm sorry about Jackie."

Rose didn't seem sure how to respond to that. Didn't know if Y/n was mad at her for telling him about this universe's Y/n and his mum. Pete responded for her. "We were too late," he lamented. It was more fitting than saying nothing, or dismissing it as okay when it so very much wasn't At first Y/n worried Pete blamed himself but then he added, "Lumic killed her," and it was immediately clear his anger was not self directed.

The Doctor took charge there. "And where is the famous Mr. Lumic?" He demanded, turning around the room, looking for the man they'd all heard so much about but had not had the chance to see. "Don't we get the chance to meet our lord and master?"

One of the Cybermen stepped forward. "He has been upgraded."

"So he's just like you?" The Doctor's voice had dropped to a deadpan.

"He is superior," the Cyberman corrected. "The Lumic unit has been designated Cybercontroller."

This memory came sudden and without warning. Y/n's vision was wiped and he was seeing something else.

"Oh come on love, you can't expect me to be able to control everything."

"You can make it snow but you can't turn the heating down a little in your own ship?"

Immediately he knew something was wrong. Because that was his own voice, coming from where he was speaking now. He was himself... but he didn't know this memory. He was talking to a man as well that he didn't recognize. The man had longer hair than the Doctor's. A bit floppier. His chin was broad, his shoulders wider. His eyes were darker, not in color but in age, like he'd seen more. Lived longer. That thought occurred to Y/n because the Doctor was the one man who had the eyes of one who had lived so long that it was impossible anyone had reached further back. Had seen more. Had been through enough to even come close to that depth and age and darkness. Yet this man... surpassed that easily. And all with a smile, tottering around in a tweed jacket and a bow tie.

Y/n moved closer to the man, reaching out and running a hand along his jaw. "I miss when you wore a proper tie. I can't pull on this thing like I used to."

The man blushed. "Well, bow ties are cool. Had to switch it out no choice. I've got to look cool now, don't I?"

"Of course you do." And then they kissed, and Y/n thrown back into the present with confusion as to what the hell he'd just seen, and also tripping over himself internally to try and catch himself up to what he'd just missed, because they were mid conversation and Y/n had not a single clue what was going on in his head or out of it.

The Doctor was rambling, going on and on about how someone could do something to stop Lumic. Speaking in generals, and talking on and on and getting rather specific. Y/n saw him look several times in the same spot and followed the Doctor's eyes to see a camera. What... was going on? His brain was processing too slowly, understanding what was being said a second after it had been said. And with how much the Doctor was saying and how fast he was saying it, Y/n just couldn't keep up.

He closed his eyes, raising his hands to knees the base of his palms against his eyelids, trying to massage away the tension building mildly behind his skull. It began to fade and his mind began to right as Rose spoke up. "It's for you," she said.

"Like this," the Doctor responded, catching the phone as she threw it to him and plugging it into a port in the desk. And Y/n didn't have time to understand because suddenly he was full of agony. Not physical pain, but an internal poison that coursed through his blood and seeped into his muscle and shelled around his bone. Searing torture of a million minds screaming out all at once as they realized what they were. What had happened to them. A human, cold, surrounded by the dark, realizing they'd been ripped from their body and shoved into a machine. And it hurt. Oh, it hurt so much. IT HURT.

Y/n's knees gave out and he bent forward, pressing his forehead to the cold ground to seek some reprieve from the boiling heat just under his skin and the pain bouncing around in his head. He screamed and screamed and heard nothing else until finally the pressure faded and lessened and eased enough for his vision to clear. To his surprise, they'd moved. His hands had been pried off his head and he had been forced to his feet. It seemed he'd been dragged by Rose and the Doctor, who each had one of his arms around their shoulders. He was sure he'd been screaming, but it seemed that he had instead just woken up from knocking out cold entirely.

"I'm sorry Y/n I don't know what's happening but this building is collapsing and I don't know how far your immortality goes. Please come round, we have to climb this ladder and I can't carry you any further," the Doctor was begging. "PLEASE Y/N!"

Y/n forced his feet underneath him, standing shakily on his own. He nodded wordlessly, feeling dizzy and lightheaded. The Doctor and Rose shared terrified expressions but climbed the ladder anyway. Pete has already gone up and Rose was next. "Go," Y/n told the Doctor.

"No." The Doctor had the same look as when Rose had set her mind to going with Pete to save Jackie, and Y/n knew he didn't have energy to put to waste, so he just climbed. It was painful and draining and he almost stopped with no room for the Doctor, but Rose called his name and he forced himself to take a few more steps further up the swaying ladder. The Doctor got on and the balloon lifted off. Everything else faded as Y/n closed his eyes, resting his forehead against he stung by his face, focusing all his might on keeping on the ladder.

Finally, there was an electronic scream, and then everything else faded into silence. Y/n realized what he couldn't before. His mind had been full of faces. Hundreds and hundreds - maybe millions - of faces. All crying out. All horrified as they realized they were no longer human. No longer in their bodies. The same feeling that he had sensed in Sally in the hallway with Angela Price and the Doctor. That same sensation, but on such an astoundingly larger scale that it had mushed together in pure agony, blinding him and knocking him unconscious because Y/n was only human. He could handle memory, but the first hand shared pains of so many? He couldn't handle that.

When they landed, Y/n didn't y'all to anyone. He looked away from them until they backed off and then he shoved his hands in his pockets and made his way to the TARDIS, far ahead of the others. The wind whipped around him and the cold seeped into his skin like London air always did at night, and he aches for the lives lost. He mourned all of the faces that were in his head now. All the lives lost. All of those voices calling out for him, pleading for mercy. For reprieve. Begging for safety and release from the terrible thing eating them up slowly, starting at the edges and working it's way to their core, consuming every detail of them.

Finally, Y/n understood what the Doctor felt watching Gallifrey buen and fall. He didn't just see it, but he felt it. He internalized it and his heart throbbed with an understanding he wished he wasn't capable of. Far, far too many lives lost because one man was incapable of stopping it all from crumbling to the ground.

When he got to the TARDIS, he surged inside to his room, this time refusing to answer the door when several people knocked. The TARDIS light up again, alive and thrumming, and Y/n felt something course through him that was both new and so very familiar. Like the feeling of the weight of your hair, but only noticing after you cut it. Something that had been there for ages but only now he was seeing and recognizing. A warmth spread through his whole body and he heard a voice, clear as day in his head.

“I’m sorry.”

For some reason, Y/n wasn’t afraid. That wasn’t much of a mystery either though. Even though it made no sense and should be impossible and he should be shocked and confused and maybe even worried, he knew who was speaking to him, and he was okay with it. “It’s okay,” he mumbled, suddenly exhausted. “I forgive you.”

The walls of the TARDIS thrummed and Y/n knew she understood he was telling the truth.

“You need to let them in.”

Y/n looked at his lap. “I can’t, don’t you understand? I-” He squeezed his eyes tight, and he felt the feeling of sadness and regret, but not from him. What he felt was so, so much deeper than just sadness. It was... emptiness. Deep and eroding, like it was wrapping him in a darkness so deep he couldn’t tell the difference between his eyes being closed or open. So dark he couldn’t see his hand even if it touched his face. Like that, but a feeling. A feeling that seemed to change the world, sapping all of the color and muting all the sound, like it was far away. In the distance. Out of reach. He saw all those faces as they filtered through his mind. and he wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. But all he could do was limply stare at his lap and feel emotions that threatened to destroy him. “How can I explain?” It was hard to speak, to think enough past the numbness that seemed to be very quickly making it hard to do anything.

“They’ll understand.”

Instead of opening the door, Y/n just sat there. Suddenly there was a click and the door opened slowly, and Y/n turned slowly to see that the TARDIS had unlocked the door herself. “No,” Y/n moaned. “No!”

“Y/n?” Came from down the hall. “Rose, the door is opened!”

“NO!” Y/n screamed, curling away from the door and pulling a pillow off the bed to cover his face. He curled into himself, his body coiled impossibly rigid.

Despite his protest, he knew that the Doctor and Rose were in the room with him. Rose sat next to him on the bed, the Doctor kneeling in front of him. “Please,” Rose begged, sounding as if she was already crying. “I watched too many people I care about die today. I lost Mickey, and my dad... Please don’t shut me out Y/n. I can’t care it.”

“And it’s always about what you can handle, isn’t it Rose?” Y/n shoved the pillow away from him, turning to her with empty anger in his eyes. There was no life or fire behind it, and it was that which hurt far more than what he’d said.

The Doctor grabbed either side of Y/n’s face to force their eyes to meet. The Doctor searched Y/n’s face, then closed his eyes and began to search Y/n’s memories. He gasped, jerking back and letting his hands drop as he stepped back. “That’s impossible.”

“What?” Rose rushed. “What’s going on?”

Y/n sighed, rubbing his forehead. “The TARDIS... when you brought me back that day, the TARDIS was using you to do it. She was trying to create something specific. I don’t get it, but she... she put things into me that should destroy me, but because I’m immortal, it doesn’t. She put a piece of herself into my construct. It’s why I can see the Doctor’s past. She can see all of time and space, of course she could look into a person’s past and recognize it. She knows what happens, everywhere, always, at all times. She knows everything, and everyone, and she’s put the tiniest piece of that in me. But she wasn’t in complete control, because she was working through you. So she didn’t just give me pieces of the Doctor, she implanted chunks of him inside of me. Not like... I can’t understand half of what I see sometimes, but I can see everything. I can sometimes everyone. Or, sort of. On a smaller scale. A mass of people. If the Doctor is connected to someone, say, Cybermen... if his pain was similar enough to them, those pieces of him and the pieces of the TARDIS inside of me merge together, and I can see them. I can see them as they go insane, crumbling under a pressure so great that they combust and explode and crumble. Imagine that - an emotional so great for one person that it makes the wires they’re made of blow and they self destruct. Now imagine that in the thousands, in the millions. All compounded and shoved into one body. One mind. One soul. Imagine the loss that person would feel when it was suddenly silent. When they were suddenly alone, empty, and could feel the loss of all of those people on an individual level. Could see their faces, and knew their personalities. To have them erased in the most violent way... emotional and mental destruction. Going insane to death.

Rose covered her mouth. “Oh my god.”

The Doctor moved closer. “I... can take it away.” There was so much pain in his voice. An aching as he faced a goodbye he couldn’t handle.

Y/n caught his wrist, stopping him. “When I agreed to be your companion, I knew the risks. I knew that this life could kill me. Or worse. I could be suspended forever in every single disease in the entire universe and locked away, sick and in pain, forced to die slowly. I could get shoved into a metal suit with my soul stripped away, turning more people into things just like me. I could be one of the empty children, forever searching for my mummy, y skin replaced with leather and incapable of dying, but far, FAR from human. Lost. Floating. Nothing. I saw it time and time again, and even fell at the feet of a fate far worse than death several times. I was ripped apart by a werewolf after the throne and put back together again because my life has been cemented in time to withstand anything, always. A fixed point. And I choose that life, Doctor. I choose unfathomable pain and loss and heartbreak. I choose emptiness and darkness and a void of emotion that threatens to consume me. I accept being impossible, and the incredible weight it will put on me forever because it hurts - GOD, it hurts - but it will never kill me as it should, because I’m only some mortal human.”

The Doctor looked like he was about to cry. “Why?” He demanded softly.

Y/n didn’t answer with words. He stepped forward, grabbing the Doctor by the back of the neck and pulling him into a kiss. A kiss that was infused with so much deep, resounding love that it made the Doctor shiver. When they parted, their foreheads rested together and they breathed quickly to catch up on all the air their lungs were demanding. “I can’t die, and I refuse to be lost. Without me, you will always end up alone. There will always be a time when you look around, and there will be no one to look to. You will lose everything you care about. Everyone you hold dear. And the TARDIS saw that and rebelled, because it’s too much pain, too much loneliness, to expect just one person to carry. You won’t ever bare the weight of the universe on your shoulders alone, Doctor. Not ever again. Not as long as you let me be here to help you. I will stay by your side until you tell me to go, and no one but you will remove me from that spot. Not pain. Not hope or happiness or dreams come true. There is nothing that can take me away but you.”

The Doctor melted, his shoulders sagging and his facial expression fracturing into part pain, part relief. The look of a man who had been on his own for far too long and was finally accepting that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance to start over again. “You would do that for me?”

Rose stood, raising a hand to stroke the side of his face. “You do it for us. Its our honor to lessen that burden. To return the favor.”

He rested his forehead on Y/n’s chest. “Please don’t go. Don’t ever go.”

“Never,” Y/n promised. “I promise.”

Story Tag List: @shoochi @e-reads-fics

Male Reader Tag List: @sheepfather

74 notes · View notes

authenticcadence18 · 4 years ago

Text

Can’t Help Falling in Love Ch. 7

HI GUYS!!!!! Sorry about the wait....it has been a busy two weeks��

I hope you enjoy this chapter!

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

AO3

(also, the formatting of a part of this chapter works better on AO3...I did the best I could to translate it to Tumblr but...yeah. lol.)

...

Take my whole life too…

...

The tears began falling as soon as Isabella was out of the Flynn-Fletcher house. They blurred her vision as she crossed the street, but she didn’t bother to wipe them away. After so many years of visiting Phineas every day, she could’ve walked this route with her eyes closed if she had to.

“Just keep walking, Isabella, just keep walking. ”

She just needed to get home. Home meant safety. Home meant comfort and security.

She used to feel that way about the house she was fleeing now.

Funny how time changed things.

Isabella made it to the porch. She fumbled around in her purse for a bit, trying to find the key by touch alone because she could barely see anything at this point.

“Just have to make it inside, just have to make it inside… .”

She found the key.

“Almost there, almost there.”

Isabella opened the door with shaky hands and quietly shut it behind her.

As the door shifted into place and the lock clicked, the flight-or-fight response that had been fueling her adrenaline for the past few minutes fizzled away, leaving only a weariness that felt uncomfortably familiar and yet heavier than anything she’d ever had to bear before.

When Isabella made it to her room, she grabbed a pillow from her bed, hugged it to her chest, and sat on the floor in a daze. After a few seconds of staring numbly at the ground, her lip quivered, and the dam in her heart finally crumbled as she started to sob.

For the next few minutes, Isabella clung to the pillow like a lifeline, mourning the loss of the easy friendship she’d rekindled with Phineas over the past couple of weeks and wishing more than anything that she could go back to this morning, to the smiles and laughter and way things used to be.

...how could she have tried to kiss him?

How could she have been so reckless? So careless??

“....it just felt so real…..” she whispered, as if to assure herself this mess wasn’t entirely her fault.

(Even though it totally was.)

None of it—the tentative flirting, the soft, adoring looks Phineas had given her, the way her hands had felt entwined with his—had seemed like a daydream. It hadn’t felt like a typical trip to Phineasland, where things were always just slightly off, just slightly too good to be true.

It really HAD seemed real.

And, perhaps parts of it had been real. Maybe they’d actually been holding hands—it wouldn’t have been the first time they did so while singing.

But Isabella couldn’t get Phineas’s reaction to their almost-kiss out of her head.

He’d looked completely, totally, utterly freaked out.

This meant he hadn’t wanted to kiss her.

It also meant she’d likely imagined most—if not all—of the little ways he’d appeared to reciprocate her feelings throughout the day.

...and it meant he almost certainly knew how she felt about him now...and wasn’t particularly thrilled about it.

This was just...the worst.

Isabella had worked so hard to get over Phineas for the sake of their friendship…and ultimately to the detriment of their friendship...for years. And then, within a couple of weeks, she’d dared to open her heart again, to open herself up to freely loving him again without expectations of being loved back, to contemplate the possibility of taking small steps towards a relationship with him when it seemed he might just like her too.

But she’d gone too far without even meaning to. And she’d blown it. Phineas didn’t love her. And now he probably didn’t even want to be her friend.

“Isabella...stop it.”

She was talking to herself now, trying to speak some sense into her brain.

“Phineas is still my friend…” she articulated. “...maybe things are going to be super awkward between us now but...he’s the nicest person ever. He would never stop being my friend…right?”

It was easy to speak these words aloud, to acknowledge that they were logical...but harder to see through the anxiety plaguing her in order to actually believe them.

And it was even harder to imagine her friendship with Phineas ever returning back to normal.

Because the desire. The aching, burning, desperate desire for Phineas to love her...to tell him she loved him so, SO much. The desire she’d vowed to get over years ago, that had been simmering on the backburner ever since she opened her heart back up to Phineas...it was boiling over now. After coming so close to kissing him, to finally revealing her feelings to him (for better or worse)...she couldn’t ignore it any longer.

A part of her wanted to avoid the house across the street for forever and never face Phineas again, sure...but another part yearned to race back across the street and just tell him she was madly in love with him once and for all. Rip the bandaid off, you know?

Things couldn’t get much worse at this point, right? He probably already had a pretty good idea how she felt so she might as well just lay it all out on the table.

Yeah. Tell Phineas she loved him more than anything in the world and completely destroy what little semblance they had left of a friendship after whatever had happened in the recording studio.

…...that was a terrible idea.

But what was Isabella supposed to do now? How was she supposed to sit next to Phineas in class on Monday? And...oh gosh...they had to sing their song together AGAIN. FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS.

hOW was she supposed to get through that???

With a sigh, Isabella grasped for her phone and hesitantly opened up the “Fireside Girl Alum” group chat. She didn’t necessarily feel like roping the girls into this...frankly, she didn’t think they’d be able to understand how she was feeling right now...but she wasn’t sure what else to do. Maybe they could help her come up with some sort of scheme to get out of the performance...it would be like they were kids all over again.

(Deep down, Isabella had no desire to return to the schemes and manipulated situations of her childhood….but what other choice did she have?)

Before she even started to type, though, a new message popped up on her phone.

It was from Ferb.

“Are you okay?”

A small smile appeared on Isabella’s face.

Ferb had never minded listening to her vent about Phineas when they were kids, and she appreciated his willingness to be there for her now. Her fingers hovered over the keypad to admit she was in fact not okay at all...but then she hesitated.

Because whenever Ferb was, Phineas was probably close by.

“is it safe to text you?” she asked.

Ferb’s reply came fast.

“Don’t worry, Phineas can’t see my phone. And I’ll delete these messages once we’re done: this will stay between us. I just want to make sure you’re alright. What happened?”

To an outsider, this exchange might have appeared strange...or even foolish. Was it really smart of Isabella to ramble about Phineas and her feelings for him to his brother? Wasn’t that sort of weird?

But Ferb and Isabella had been friends for a long time, and Isabella trusted him completely. She knew he’d never tell Phineas whatever she had to say...and she supposed he might be able to help her out too.

“I almost kissed Phineas…” she admitted. “I don’t even know how it happened, one minute we were singing and having fun...and the next I realized I was about to kiss him and pulled away because I didn’t want to freak him out. But I think I freaked him out anyway….I hope he’s alright.”

Ferb’s reply appeared a few seconds later.

“So you still love Phineas, right?”

Isabella couldn’t help but chuckle dryly at that.

Did she ever.

“Yeah...I tried to get over him but...it didn’t really work out…lol. I actually sort of thought he might like me back and was going to ask him out when we finished recording our song but...I don’t think that’s going to happen....now I’m afraid I imagined everything and that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

She added on to that last message after sending it.

“I know that sounds silly, Phineas is the friendliest person ever but...he looked so horrified after I tried to kiss him. I’m just scared I ruined everything.”

It took Ferb a bit longer to reply this time.

“Isabella, I can’t speak for Phineas, but if I know him, I know he’d never want to stop being your friend, no matter what. He cares about all his friends, and I know he must care an awful lot about you because you two are best friends.”

Isabella’s heart swelled at that.

Though she’d told herself something similar only minutes ago, the words rang far truer coming from Ferb than they sounded in her own voice.

“Thanks Ferb. That means a lot coming from you :)”

Another text from Ferb came through after a minute or so.

“Is there someone you can talk to about all this?”

Isabella considered the Fireside Girl group chat...and then sighed.

If she messaged them, they’d probably just send assurances of, “Oh, Isabella, of course Phineas likes you! How could he not?” This might make her feel better for a moment...but not for long.

Their words would not be based in truth...they’d only be telling her what she wanted to hear. And that wasn’t what she needed right now.

“No, not really...I don’t think the Fireside Girls would understand, and my mom is at work. But thanks. Just texting you has made me feel a bit better.”

Ferb didn’t text her back after that. Which was just as well...she supposed he was talking with Phineas. (Or listening to Phineas talk, anyway.)

….she really wished she could ask how he was doing.

But Ferb wouldn’t betray her trust to Phineas, so she couldn’t ask him to betray Phineas’s trust to her.

Imagining Phineas made Isabella’s heart ache all over again.

…..why did love have to hurt so much?

...

Hey. Are you busy?

no I’m free for a bit. what’s up?

Can you call Isabella for me?

I think she needs someone to talk to right now.

sure, but why me? wouldn’t she rather talk to you or Phineas?

wait this has something to do with Phineas doesn’t it

Yup.

oh boy. what happened?

Apparently they almost kissed. And then got freaked out.

I’m with Phineas right now but Isabella is by herself.

And if Phineas is any indication, she’s probably not in good shape.

oh yikes I’ll call her now

anything in particular you want me to say?

Just remind her how much Phineas cares about her.

That’s what I’m trying to do with Phineas right now.

But you can’t tell Isabella he’s in love with her.

They have to do that part on their own.

got if.

I mean got it.

give Phineas a hug for me

Thanks, and I will...he certainly needs it.

Love you

love you too bro :)

someday when they get married we’ll remember this and smile

...I hope you’re right.

...

Isabella startled when her phone started to vibrate...and her eyes widened when she realized who the caller was.

She picked up the phone and accepted the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Isabella!!” the voice on the other end sang back. “It’s been a long time, huh? How are you?”

“Hey, Candace...uh….” Isabella rubbed her neck. “I...I’ve been better, actually…..”

Candace remained silent for a moment.

“...in retrospect, ‘how are you?’ probably wasn’t the best question to ask to kickstart this conversation...Ferb told me a bit about what happened between you and Phineas and asked me to call and check on you. Do you want to talk about it?”

A lump formed in Isabella’s throat, and she blinked away a few tears as a wave of gratitude rushed over her.

If anyone could help her talk through any anxiety concerning her relationship with Phineas, it was Candace. She’d dealt with her own share of self-induced romantic turmoil over the years, and she knew Phineas far better than any of the Fireside Girls did.

Ferb must have known that.

...the two of them were the best.

“Oh no, are you crying?” Candace asked. “Please don’t cry, it’s gonna be okay.”

“I’m fine!” Isabella insisted. “Well, I’m not fine...but...yeah. I want to talk about it. Thank you.”

“Ok good!” Candace replied. “But, first thing’s first, it’s past one o’clock. Have you eaten lunch yet? Because if not, go eat something right now. Even if it’s just a tub of ice cream. It’ll help.”

Isabella smiled and slowly rose from the floor with a sniffle. “Ok, I’m going.”

...

“.....so do you want to talk about it now?”

Phineas shook his head. The last time he’d talked about it, about Isabella and the recording studio, it had only made it feel more real. Maybe if he just didn’t talk about it anymore, his current predicament wouldn’t seem as bad as it actually was.

“...Phineas. Come on.”

No. Phineas didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t even want to think about it.

Not how horrified Isabella had looked when she pulled away from him, not the way she’d practically flown out of the recording studio afterward, not the way he’d dared to hope she might like him too……

…..aaand now he was thinking about it.

Curse the complex workings of the human brain.

Phineas felt the bed shift beneath him as Ferb sat at his side.

“PHINEAS. Look at me. Let’s talk about this.”

Phineas stiffly lifted his head from his hands, wiping a few tears away from his face as he did so.

“WHAT, Ferb??” he exclaimed, an unfamiliar sharpness permeating his tone. “What do you want me to say? I thought Isabella liked me back, I was wrong! I got caught up in the moment and tried to kiss her and she didn’t want to kiss me and ran away!! And now I’ve probably ruined our friendship forever!! Which is just! The worst!! Because we were finally hanging out again and spending time together and I spent all of high school wanting to get that back, and when I finally got it back I MESSED IT UP. And now I’m afraid I’ll never even be able to look at Isabella again, much less sing with her at school this week. Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now??”

Ferb offered his brother a small smile and patted him on the shoulder.

“Of course I’m not happy, Phineas. But that IS what I wanted to hear, so thank you. Now I have a better idea of what you’re struggling with, so I can figure out how to help.”

Guilt twisted in Phineas’s chest. Ferb was only trying to be there for him, to support him, and what was he doing? Yelling at him.

Gosh...first Phineas had jeopardized his friendship with Isabella and now he was taking his anger at himself out on Ferb?

What was wrong with him today??

“Ferb, I’m sorry….” He sighed. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you….none of this is your fault, and I know you’re just trying to help...”

“I forgive you.” Ferb wrapped his arms around him. “And I get it. This stuff is hard.”

Phineas sniffled and let himself be held for a bit.

In moments like this, it was easy to remember that Ferb was a bit older than him and thus technically his big brother.

...Phineas wasn’t sure what he’d do without him.

“....thanks, bro. You’re the best.”

“Anytime…” Ferb replied.

“...this hug is from Candace, by the way…” he added thoughtfully. “She’s very concerned about you.”

Phineas chuckled and smiled softly. “Aww...Candace is the best too. Is that who you were texting a bit ago?”

Ferb twitched. “Yup.”

(Technically that wasn’t a lie.)

He sat back a bit and folded his arms in his lap. “So. You almost kissed Isabella, you’re worried she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore….it sounds to me like you’re dealing with a lot of fears right now. Am I right?”

Phineas considered this. “I mean...yeah, I guess I am. Like you said, I’m afraid Isabella doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, and that she thinks I’m weird, and that I’ll completely lose it the next time I see her, and that things will never be the same between us again, and—!”

“Ok, ok, I’m just going to stop you there,” Ferb interjected.

He was trying to calm Phineas down, not get him worked up again.

“First and foremost, Isabella is still your friend and still WANTS to be your friend. That isn’t speculation, it’s just a fact.”

Phineas raised an eyebrow at him. “How do I know you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

Ferb, of course, couldn’t go into specifics on how he knew he wasn’t just saying this to make Phineas feel better.

“Because Isabella’s my friend too, remember?” he countered. “I’ve known her almost as long as you have. And I know how much she cares about all her friends. That includes you. Especially you. Because you two are best friends, right?”

Phineas couldn’t help but smile fondly at that. “Yeah, we’re best friends…” A hint of sadness entered his eyes. “....at least...I hope we still are.”

“You are,” Ferb assured him. “Those kinds of friendships don’t just disappear after one awkward moment.”

“But...but Ferb…” Phineas shut his eyes and grimaced. “She looked SO freaked out after I almost kissed her….I mean, she has to know I have feelings for her now, right?”

Ferb shrugged, feigning ignorance.

He needed to change the subject. (Or at least divert it.)

“You said before the ‘almost-kiss’ happened, you thought Isabella might like you back,” he voiced. “Why?”

“Well…” Phineas’s gaze softened, and he blushed and smiled gently in spite of himself. “She kept smiling at me today. And holding my hand. And touching my shoulder. And looking at me in a way that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside….”

His smile faded.

“But then she ran away….so I think she was just being friendly.”

Ferb bit his tongue to stifle a groan. “ So close… .” he thought.

...maybe he could nudge Phineas towards the truth. Just a bit.

“You know, Phineas, in the recording studio earlier, did YOU get freaked out?”

“Oh gosh, I definitely did,” Phineas replied with a wince. “It was so awkward….UGH…..”

“So….”

Ferb had to tread verrrrry lightly here.

“If YOU got freaked out because you almost kissed Isabella even though you have feelings for her….maybe…..do you think……..”

He paused, hoping Phineas would fill in the blanks for him.

(Because he knew he was pushing it at this point.)

“What?” Phineas replied.

Ferb couldn’t take much more of this. His brother might have been nearing adulthood now, but he was just as oblivious as he’d been when they were kids.

“Maybe…...JUST MAYBE…..” Ferb proposed. “....she got freaked out for the same reason you got freaked out?”

He couldn’t flat-out give Isabella’s feelings away. But Phineas had already speculated she might like him back at this point, right?

So, really, Ferb was just nudging him back towards a possibility he’d already considered.

Phineas’s eyes widened as Ferb’s words sunk in. “But I only got freaked out because I didn’t want to mess up our friendship by kissing her...so….if SHE got freaked out for that reason….you….you think…..you think she might like me back after all? Are you sure? ...I’m just not sure…”

Ferb was going to scream. He was absolutely going to scream. This was ridiculous. Phineas was ridiculous. Isabella was ridiculous. They were both. Just. Ridiculous.

….which apparently made them ridiculously perfect for each other.

Ferb articulated his response as casually as he could.

“......I mean. Anything’s possible, right? But you’ll never know if you don’t try talking to her again.”

Phineas considered this. And he shuddered.

The thought of talking to Isabella when his most recent memory of her involved her staring at him with horror in her eyes and running away from him was just...a little too daunting.

“I….I just don’t know, Ferb…..” he voiced hesitantly. “What if—"

“No.” Ferb had had enough. “No what if’s. You love Isabella, right?”

“Well, yeah!! Of course I do, but—"

“And you love being her friend?”

“YES I love being her friend, that’s why I’m so scared to talk to her because she might say she doesn’t want to be friends anymore—"

“PHINEAS. WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. She isn’t going to want to stop being your friend!!! And, besides, you can’t let fear stop you from pursuing what you love. In all the adventures we’ve had, every wild invention, weren’t you ever afraid?”

“Well sure I was, but—"

“But you didn’t let that fear stop you!! You pursued what you wanted anyway!! What makes this different?”

“Ferb, this isn’t an invention that will disappear when Mom gets home or an adventure that will come and go!!!!” Phineas countered. He sighed, eyes cast downward. “....Isabella is more important to me than any of that stuff…like, infinitely more important....”

It took Ferb a while to think of a suitable response to that.

Finally he took a deep breath. “....if Isabella’s that important to you, Phineas, then she’s worth the risk. She’s worth overcoming that fear.

“I know you’re scared to lose her, Phineas...but, if nothing else, she’s your best friend. Don’t you want to spend time with her? To keep being her best friend?”

“.....more than anything…..” Phineas whispered softly.

“Then you HAVE to talk to her,” Ferb replied gently. “Even if you’re worried about what she might say.”

Phineas pondered this. “I….I know you’re right, Ferb….but...I’m still scared.”

He wanted to keep being Isabella’s friend, to laugh with her and hang out with her and maybe hold her hand again because he’d really, REALLY liked getting to hold her hand today.

But he couldn’t do that until he actually spoke to her. And figured out just what had changed between them.

The thought of doing that was terrifying.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Ferb replied. He ruffled Phineas’s hair and smiled. “That just shows how much you care. But you can be brave and fight through the fear anyway.” He tapped his chin thoughtfully and added, “I think Isabella is worth fighting for, don’t you?”

Phineas’s face brightened a bit.

Did the thought of talking to Isabella and walking with her and singing with her still tie his stomach in knots?

Yes. Yes it did.

But, he still wanted to be her friend.

And he still loved her.

...he really loved her.

“....she’s definitely worth fighting for….” Phineas agreed.

Ferb grinned and patted him on the back as he stood from the bed.

“THAT’S the Phineas Flynn I know and love.”

He gave Phineas a hand and helped him to his feet.

“Now come on. It’s past one o’clock, we should eat.”

...

“...so, Isabella...let’s take a step back and go over everything we talked about.”

Isabella closed her eyes and took a deep breath, thinking over the conversation she’d had with Candace over the past hour.

“Phineas and I are best friends, and at the end of the day, that’s what is most important and it won’t change.”

“Good. Keep going.”

“I don’t have to worry about him not liking me anymore because he’s quite literally the human embodiment of a beautiful ray of sunshine who cares about everyone and is just the most wonderful person ever.”

“....alright that’s not QUITE how I worded that point but, sure, sounds great.”

“It’s okay to be anxious, it’s a part of being human, but whenever anxious thoughts get the best of me, I can remind myself of what I know to be true—like, that Phineas and I are best friends—and it will help.”

“And?”

“...AND, if it doesn’t help, I can text you. Or Ferb. Or my mom. Or...or Phineas, if I’m anxious about something that doesn’t concern him.”

“VERY GOOD. When I first started dating Jeremy...and throughout my time dating Jeremy...Stacy was always there to listen to me vent, and it helped me a lot. Never feel like you have to keep all those worries bottled up inside, no matter how silly they may seem. Ferb and I are here for you!! And the Fireside Girls are too, although I understand why you didn’t want to talk to them about this.”

“Thank you so much, Candace….” Isabella said. “I still don’t know how Phineas will react when I see him again, but...I don’t feel as worried about it now.”

“I’m glad,” Candace replied. “And I bet he’ll be happy to see you.”

Isabella blushed in spite of herself...and then frowned. “How can you be sure?” she asked. “You didn’t see his face after I almost kissed him…I told you already, he looked super freaked out.”

“Maybe he was freaked out because he wanted to kiss you but you pulled away,” Candace replied without missing a beat.

And then she flinched. And bit her tongue. Because Ferb had said she was not to reveal Phineas’s feelings for Isabella under any circumstances and she’d just sort of. Accidentally done that.

But Isabella didn’t discern the truth woven into Candace’s words. “Yeah, sure, I suppose anything is possible,” she replied with a chuckle. “I highly doubt he wanted to kiss me, though...but I appreciate the thought.”

Candace let out an inaudible sigh of relief. For once, Isabella’s obliviousness to Phineas’s feelings for her was a blessing and not a curse.

“Well, I think Amanda just woke up from her nap,” she said. “Are you going to be okay if I end the call? What’s your plan for the rest of the day?”

“My mom will be home from work soon,” Isabella replied. “So I’ll probably talk to her about everything as well. And until she gets here, I’ll do some homework.”

“Ok, good!” Candace replied. “Just text me if you need anything. And keep me posted!! And, don’t worry...all this stuff between you and Phineas, it’ll work out.”

Isabella managed a laugh and replied, “I hope you’re right…. Thanks again, Candace. You’re the best.”

“Anytime, sister! Anytime. We should totally hang out the next time I’m in town. Maybe over the summer?”

“I’d love that!! Especially if I get to see Amanda again...she’s getting so BIG!!”

“I know!!! She’s growing so fast….aaand I’d better go, because she’s screaming now. Bye, Isabella!!”

“Bye, Candace!!”

Isabella ended the call with a smile on her face.

It felt good to have someone like Candace looking out for her....almost like a big sister.

She didn’t know what the future held for her and Phineas, and there were still a million doubts and worries swimming about in her head.

But now, at least, she knew how go about overcoming them.

...

The remainder of Saturday ambled by without much fanfare. Isabella and Phineas remained in their own respective houses, completing homework and spending time with their families.

They didn’t speak or see each other at all….but they were certainly in each other’s thoughts.

Sunday went by rather similarly.

Mostly.

It took Phineas nearly half an hour to work up the nerves to send an attachment of the duet to Isabella along with a text reading, “thought you might like to hear this! I think we sound pretty great. :)"

When Isabella received the notification, she had to take a few moments to dance around her room and whisper-scream because PHINEAS WAS TEXTING HER. PHINEAS STILL WANTED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HER. HE’D LISTENED TO THEIR DUET AND THOUGHT IT SOUNDED GOOD.

She listened to the song once. As she did, she tried to focus on the musicality of it as opposed to the memories it resurfaced of dancing with Phineas, of holding his hand...of almost kissing him.

From a purely musical standpoint, it sounded amazing.

She almost laughed when the recording faded out. Ms. Chase would never guess what had happened between her and Phineas once it stopped.

It took her a bit to think of the perfect reply to Phineas’s message. She typed and re-typed it at least a dozen times, battling a surge of anxious butterflies that grew larger and larger with each iteration she wrote….until she finally told herself to just send something and try not to worry about it.

“Thanks, Phineas! I think we sound great too. And thanks for putting the finishing touches on the recording, I appreciate it. :) I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Receiving a text from Isabella was like breaking through the surface of the ocean and taking a breath of fresh air. Phineas lunged for his phone as soon as it buzzed and read her response over and over, maybe a dozen times, his smile growing wider and wider every time. He even showed the message to Ferb, exclaiming, “Ferb!!! She replied to my text!!! She thinks we sounded good!!! And said thanks!! Twice!!!!! She said she’ll see me tomorrow!!!! AND SENT A SMILEY FACE!!!!!!”

Ferb just smiled knowingly “I told you she was still your friend.”

...

Isabella hesitated before opening the door and stepping outside.

She stared across the street and waited, fingers twitching, heart perhaps beating a bit faster than normal. She, Phineas, and (usually) Ferb had fallen into a habit of walking to school together every morning, ever since she and Phineas started working on their project...but was this habit broken now?

“ ...what if he already left? Or what if he’s waiting for me to leave? Because he doesn’t want to walk with me? Or be my friend?”

Isabella shook her head firmly and remembered her conversation with Candace.

“NO. Phineas is my friend. He wouldn’t leave without me, at least not without saying something. And Ferb wouldn’t leave without me either.”

She could wait a bit longer. And if Phineas and Ferb didn’t appear within a minute or so, she could cross the street and knock on their door herself.

...

Phineas lingered behind the door, hesitant to even look out the peephole.

“I thought we’d moved past this,” Ferb quipped as he came to stand at Phineas’s side. “Don’t we always walk to school with Isabella now? She’s probably already outside.”

“No, I’m not looking for Isabella, I’m….uh….trying to build up the courage to open the door…..” Phineas admitted. “I know she said ‘see you tomorrow’ last night but...what if she changed her mind? What if she isn’t out there? What if she’s already at school? Or she’s waiting for us to leave? Because she doesn’t want to walk with me?”

Ferb crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him, and Phineas rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Right, right...fight the fear...Isabella’s worth fighting for...I know…..”

He steeled his courage and, without even looking out the peephole, swung the door open.

And there she was. Isabella. His best friend. Standing across the street. Looking at him.

...smiling at him.

Phineas’s heart swelled.

He’d been afraid he’d never see Isabella’s smile again.

But there she was. Smiling.

He smiled back.

...

“....he’s smiling at me…..he’s SMILING AT ME! HE STILL WANTS TO BE FRIENDS!! CANDACE AND FERB WERE RIGHT!!!”

...

Isabella and Phineas met on the sidewalk in front of the Flynn-Fletcher house (like they always did). There was definitely a hesitance, a carefulness, in their demeanors...but they were together again.

And that’s what really mattered.

...

“...hi, Phineas! It’s nice to see you.”

“Hey, Isabella! It’s nice to see you too. ...how was the rest of your weekend?”

“It was good! I spent time with my mom, got started on a speech for Debate Club...caught up with an old friend...how was yours?”

“It was fine! I spent time with my family too, gave Perry a bath, got a head start on a history assignment I have due Friday…”

“Cool! How's your head doing?"

“Better! The bruise is fading a little each day.”

“Great! So....are you ready for class today?”

“Sure am! And I already emailed our song to Ms. Chase, just to be safe.”

“Oh, awesome! Thanks!”

“Well...I guess we should start walking, huh?”

“Oh! Yeah, we probably should.”

...

Phineas and Isabella settled into an easy rhythm as they started off in the direction of Danville High. Ferb fell in line beside them and listened as they chatted about their respective projects, about whether or not the history of the Tri-State Area was represented accurately in several songs written about it and about which Space Adventure season was the best.

A warm sense of relief swirled around the trio as they walked, propelling them forward into the day.

Phineas was relieved that Isabella was still comfortable walking and talking with him.

Isabella was relieved that Phineas was still comfortable walking and talking with her.

And Ferb was relieved for them (and relieved that his meddling had proven successful after all).

Isabella and Phineas didn’t dare bring up Saturday morning as they walked. (Deep down, they both knew they’d eventually have to talk about it....but for now, they were just glad to spend time together without things being awkward or unbearable. They could address the elephant in the room later.)

At one point, Isabella caught Ferb’s eye as Phineas stared ahead and gushed about why he thought the fourth season of Space Adventure was criminally underrated. She smiled warmly, glanced at Phineas and then back at him, and mouthed the words “ ...thank you… ”

(Because if it weren’t for Ferb and Candace, she probably wouldn’t be walking at Phineas’s side right now.)

Ferb smiled back and nodded his head….and then gestured first to himself, then to her and Phineas, before shrugging with a cheeky grin, as if to say:

“Turns out I was right, huh? Phineas still wants to be your friend after all. So are you going to ask him out?”

Isabella understood what he was trying to say well enough. She tersely shook her head and blushed before looking away.

Phineas still wanted to be her friend and spend time with her. She couldn’t even begin to consider asking him out right now and messing that up.

(Even if the desire to confess her feelings still tumbled restlessly her chest.)

For now, this? Walking together? Listening to Phineas ramble about Space Adventure with the same passion he used to delegate projects and motivate others? Feeling lighter and lighter with each step she took because just being close to him made her feel happier than anything or anyone else ever could?

It was enough.

In fact, it was more than enough.

It was everything.

...

Thanks so much for reading!!! This chapter was EXTREMELY therapeutic to write. 😅

I truly cannot express how thankful I am for all the support and love this fic has received. It means SO MUCH to me! You guys are just the best!!!!!

I don't have any doodles for this chapter (yet, lol), but I AM working on a Phinabella song/animatic that's unrelated to this story here on Tumblr if you want to check that out! :)

Thanks as always to @youruinedmylifebynotbeingreal for being a fabulous beta AND a fabulous human in general! :)

also today is @macaronsforchat‘s birthday!!!!! she’s been supporting this fic from the beginning so I would be remiss if I didn’t give her a shoutout. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL!!!!!!! ILY!!!

Thanks again for reading, and I'll see you soonish for Chapter 8! :D

#phinabella #phinbella #can't help falling in love #isabella garcia shapiro #phineas flynn #phineas and isabella #isabella and phineas #cadence writes #phineas and ferb #ferb fletcher #candace flynn #phinabella fic #phinbella fic #phineas and ferb fic

38 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 4 years ago

Text

1167

surveys by emptyliketheocean

Brand of cigarettes you smoke? I don’t smoke cigarettes, or at least I never buy my own packs.

Should you be trusted with a person's life? Idk, that’s for them to decide.

How's your life in general? I lost two relatives from Covid this week alone. So, not very dandy. Still in shock. Waiting for it to all finally crash down so I can grieve and mourn properly. Scared of more losses and hoping there aren’t any more to come.

Have you ever put lipstick on anything besides lips? I don’t wear makeup, but when my friends have put some on me in the past there were a couple of times they dabbed lipsticks on my cheeks.

Have you ever picked a fight you knew you would lose? Metaphorically speaking, yeah. I don’t get into physical fights.

What's something you think is crazy about the world? The concept of centibillionaires and the fact that there are multiple ones who exist.

What do you think about religion? I think the only upside to it is how it has helped save lives for some and how it serves as a guide for others to spread good in the world. Like if your religion has given you purpose and strength, that’s great. But ultimately, I’m not a fan and I most definitely don’t think religion is necessary to be a kind person. In fact, I think it works the opposite...most of the homophobes, misogynists, pro-lifers, and sexists I know are from the Christian faith. Cringe.

What about when religion causes violence? Well I definitely have a bone to pick with this lol. The only reason the Philippines is predominantly Catholic today is precisely that when the Spanish arrived, they used violence to forcingly convert Filipinos - who were then living in peace with their own culture, government, and religion system - to Christianity. And now we’re ‘celebrating’ 500 years of Christianity in the country this year, which was always so off to me because why are we celebrating colonization lol????????????? But anyway, yeah, that is another issue I have with religion. I want nothing to do with it.

What color is one of your hats? I have an off-white summer hat but I have literally never used it in public because it’s huge and it’s 100% going to draw attention.

How do you feel? My shoulders are sore and I’m feeling slightly irritated because of them. I’m also starting to get a bit hungry.

Have you ever gotten in trouble for laughing? A few times.

Something that makes you smile: Free food.

What do you think about surveys with lyrics as the title? Surveys with random lyrics usually end up being the ones with interesting questions, so I actually am more likely to check it out.

Do you have any clothes with small holes in them? Maybe one or two.

Do you think the way you live is really okay? I think I am already quite fortunate with what I have considering what others don’t, so it’s definitely been a while since I have complained about anything during this whole Covid situation, living-situation-wise. Even though we’ve lost a few things, like having to sell one of our cars and with my mom being retrenched, we still get by and have a roof over our heads with working water and electricity and a stocked pantry; and I make enough money to hand a portion of it to my parents twice a month and still treat myself with things I want. There is nothing to bitch about.

Do you know anyone other than a cop who has ever owned a cop car? No.

Have you ever felt fire? No, but electricity, yes. I’ve been shocked before but that was also my own fault lol.

Have you ever seen a person light themselves on fire? Jesus no.

Have you ever used crutches when you didn't need them? Yes. I used to horse around with Katreen’s crutches when she injured her legs in 3rd grade, when she wasn’t using them.

If you had 15 beers you would be: Dead.

Are you as bored as I am? No, I’m good.

Why are you taking this survey? I feel like it.

What would you say if a person asked you why your face was so messed up? “How do you want me to react?” Easiest way to shut a person up and passive aggressively tell them to watch what they say.

What would you do if your first love asked you back out? Be very confused and ask why the sudden decision.

What's your home life like? It’s very routine, due to having to stay at home. I work a 9–6 on weekdays, follow that up with dinner, and use a few hours to scroll through social media until it’s time to sleep. Then on weekends I use the free time to recharge by taking surveys and watch videos of whoever and whatever I’m interested in at the moment. Just waiting for all of this to blow over so I can finally do the things I’m meant to be doing.

Do you have a talent that you don't do anything with? I don’t write a lot for myself these days. I do write frequently for work, which is great - press releases, event scripts, all your PR essentials - but I don’t get stimulated enough since everything is written in the same tone. I really should pick up a notebook and pen soon...

Do you know anyone that is a lesbian? Yes. Not that she’s in my life anymore.

What do you think about your mom? I think she tries her best. But I wish she were more emotionally in touch. And that she starts being politically correct.

What do you think about your dad? He’s worked hard and continues to, and I appreciate all his efforts; and I can’t wait to be able to buy him all the things he wants.

Which parent do you respect the most? Who do you think? Hahahaha.

Is there anything someone could lie to you about that you couldn't forgive? I suppose, like cheating.

Who do you love unconditionally? My two best friends.

Pick an element. Oooookay? Zirconium.

Have you ever wasted a great amount of time and felt horrible about it? It always feels that way on weekends these days because there’s only so much that can be done while stuck at home because of Covid. But I do try to justify it by telling myself I already work too hard during weekdays so it’s ok to bum around at home and do nothing, because using the time to recharge is still productive.

What is something that's been said about you that isn't true? My mom has said a lot of hurtful things directed towards me that I internalized for a very long time, but I’ve since gained the strength to no longer let those words get to me.

Who do you want with you when you're scared? Anyone who can be calm while I’m not.

Know any bands that not many people have heard of? Many of the punk bands I listen to are virtually unknown on this side of the planet.

Do you have any advice for people in general? Don’t be racist.

What's something you like to do in the summer? Complain about the heat.

What's something you like to do in the winter? We don’t get winter here, but I’ve always thought I would love snow if I ever saw it, and that I would probably make a lot of snow angels and play snowball fights.

What do you think about marijuana? I don’t have a strong opinion on it as it’s still a very taboo topic where I’m from and I’ve also been lacking on research. I do know people who use it for recreational purposes and I’ve never been against that.

Do you wish anyone death? Just politicians.

Have you ever felt like you weren't getting anywhere with a person? Yes, it felt that way for a long time. I just was too afraid of confrontation to do anything about it.

What do you feel for the person you first fell in love with? Resentment and a whole lot of nothing.

Where are you? I’m in my bedroom.

Are you waiting for something? Hmm, not necessarily.

Who is someone you just think has a hole in their brain? People who still think Covid is a hoax.

A candy you like? Gummy anything.

Does any part of your body hurt at the moment? My shoulders and neck, hence the neck pillow I’ve since put on while taking this.

Explain how you got the last bruise you had. I honestly have no clue. I currently have a big black circle on my right thigh that just suddenly showed up, and I can’t recall a time I must’ve hit it somewhere.

Are you tired? A little bit because I got up as soon as I woke up, but I wanted to maximize my free time this Sunday before another work week starts. Last Friday would be our last non-working holiday in a while and we’re not getting another one until August. :(

Explain how you got a scar you have. A distant cousin hurled a glass jar towards me when I was 3, during a family reunion. He initially went for my eye because I guess he wanted to blind me, but he missed and ended up hitting my eyebrow instead. My mom has since banned him from talking to me ever since, and I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him since the incident.

Have you ever owned anything illegal? Illegal copies of movies I’ve torrented, sure.

What do you dream about? The most random scenarios. I’ll get the occasional nightmare, but those only happen when I’m going through a period of depression.

Do you ever daydream? Not anymore these days.

How do you feel about vegetarians? I don’t really think anything of them. There are days I’ll particularly feel for them because there aren’t a lot of restaurants with good vegetarian options where I live, though.

A fruit you like: Avocado, in very limited options.

Have you ever seen a person eat a bug? Only bugs that were already prepared a certain way and meant to be eaten; but I’ve never seen a person that just picked up a bug off the ground and went straight to chewing. I imagine I would freak out and gag.

Something you worry about too much: How much is in my bank account.

How do you feel about smoking? I hate how the smell clings to your clothes and all your things when you’ve been smoking or when you’ve been around people who smoke. I also wince when people pose with their cigarettes just to look badass and cool; but as someone who’s since picked up vaping as a habit, my once-intense hatred for smoking and smokers has since changed lol.

If you had to move out of state, where would you go? I would move to a big city. Somewhere noisier and with a lot of lights and foot traffic and general activity.

What is your favorite vampire-related movie? The Twilight Saga hahahahahaha

Is there a person you keep coming back to? My best friends, I guess?

If you're listening to music...Give me a lyric from the song you're listening to. I’m not listening to anything.

#survey #surveys

8 notes · View notes

theteapotofdoom · 5 years ago

Note

Hi!!! Been wondering this for awhile, but what are your top 10 (or how many you want lol) Bungou Stray Dogs ships?

hhhhhHHHHHHH HELL YEAH LET’S GO!!!

I love getting asked about BSD and I love being asked top tens because my dumb self loves to share my opinions with whoever wants to read it, so I’m really excited about this. (As a disclaimer, I’m not following the BSD manga very closely, I’m up to date with most of the spoilers but I definitely don’t know as much as the most hardcore fans).

Edit: I just realised that because I went in-depth with each ship about why I love them the post ended up being really long. So for those who just wanted the list and didn’t want to have to go through all my rambling, here you go!

KunikiDazai (Kunikida x Dazai)

RanPoe (Ranpo x Poe)

FukuMori (Fukuzawa x Mori)

Odazai (Oda x Dazai)

ChuuAku (Chuuya x Aku)

KuniOda (Kunikida x Oda)

HiguGin (Higuchi x Gin)

AtsuAku (Atsushi x Akutagawa)

FyoGol (Fyodor x Gogol)

KuniFyo (Kunikida x Fyodor)

Honourable mentions: AtsuLucy, Steincraft, Kunikida x Yosano, Kunikida x everyone, Chuuya x a safe environment with people who actually care about him and not just his ability, the Aku siblings x happiness, Dazai x consequences for his actions.

And now for the explanation for each ship!

1) Kunikidazai: this one was probably expected for those of you who know me, I basically never shut up about these two and always reblog content about them! I got hooked on them right from the beginning with their cute chaotic banter and their old married couple dynamic, but I really fell in love with them during the Azur King arc (first in the anime, and later when I read the novel). They’re so good for each other, I can’t get enough of them. They trust each other deeply and respect the hell out of each other, but they’re also never afraid to call each other on their bullshit. Kunikida is constantly pushing Dazai to grow, to take responsibilities for his actions, and to become a better person. It’s more obvious in the novels, but Kunikida isn’t buying Dazai’s “happy idiot” act at all. From the moment they met, he immediately saw the dark abyss behind his eyes, but he is still challenging him and pushing him to be better. And Dazai cares about Kunikida SO MUCH, he likes to tease him and to rile him up, but when shit hits the fan he is always right there by Kunikida’s side, also calling him out when Kunikida is slipping out of his ways. You can tell he worries and wants to protect Kunikida from some of the darker sides of the world, he needs that chaotic beacon of light and honesty in his life and will do anything to protect it. Also, they’re just fucking cute and domestic you know? Dazai casually stealing Kunikida’s classic off his face on a daily basis and Kunikida letting him, the paper rock scissor shenanigans, the whole “you should write this down” bit, Dazai going out of his way every day to annoy Kunikida just like a five-year-old with a crush ... aaaaah this is getting too long I love them too much ... I’ll just leave you with the most romantic scene in the history of anime.

2) Ranpoe: for this one, I won’t be as long, because they’re just so fucking cute!!! Wow!!! I love them!!! So much!!! Kunikidazai may still e my number one, but Ranpoe are like CANON KINGS like they really just do be dating? They’re always together and always helping each other out, they’re always complimenting each other and supporting each other and just being chaotic detective husbands together, URGH KINGS ... I’m actually just deeply in love with Poe, and I’m eternally grateful that he is still around in the story even if it’s just as Ranpo’s sidekick for now. I fell in love with this cute goth bean as soon as he appeared, and I really thought he was only going to be a one-episode throwaway character and I was ready to mourn his loss BUT HE STAYED AROUND!!! And he is still a part of the plot!!! Doing things and being cute!!! And I also love Ranpo too of course, and I love their dynamic together. Like ... they manage to be in perfect balance between “from enemies to rivals to friends to lovers slow burn 500k with the maximum yearning” and “sweet domestic fluff and cute establish relationship freeform” and that’s very sexy of them. They’re not really a very “deep” ship per se, but they are just a god damn delight between two already extremely delightful characters and I couldn’t be happier about this. Asagiri should give them their own spinoff series where they just kiss and solve crimes ...

3) Fukumori: I guess that this one is a little controversial because Mori isn’t exactly everyone’s cup of tea (extremely understandable), so feel free to skip it if this is unpleasant to you. I’m one of those weak bitches who still enjoy Mori a lot for being a pretty evil trashy doctor bitch despite his multiple gross crimes. I can’t help it guys, he got me with his aesthetic and petty energy. I also love Fukuzawa who is the most valid and beautiful man EVER and has all the rights. So as soon as I saw these two interacting in canon for the first time, they just overwhelmed me with their bitter ex-boyfriends energy and I had no choice but to surrender. I just really love their dynamic, you can immediately tell that they have a very charged personnel history together just by the way they interact, even if they’re now opposite enemies, there is still a familiarity and even an intimacy between them and I find it fascinating to watch. It’s a ship that works with serious horny angst and character study, but also with more lighthearted shitposts ... I just do be loving these two sexy old man and their bickering.

4) Odazai: by all account, Odazai should technically be my number one shit, as I really consider them to be the greatest love story in the entire show. Like, everything in BSD always comes back to Odazai, they are the most important and honest and beautiful relationship in the story. The reason why they’re only at number 4 is that I love their canon relationship so so so so god damn much that I rarely read fics or consume fan content about them, but it never hits quite right. I actually don’t need anything else from them outside of the canon story you know? It’s a weird thing to say because I usually really really dislike angst, but for some reason with Odazai, their tragedy is one of the reasons I love the ship so much. I know that most of the relationships in the story are purposely left ambiguous, but Dazai was in love with Oda and you cannot change my mind about this. I’m don’t think that Oda loved Dazai the same way that Dazai loved him (or at least not as much as Dazai loved him) but this is also part of why I like it. I actually kind of like Odazai for the same reasons that I like Kunikidazai: I just really really really love relationships that challenge Dazai and push him out of his comfort zone. I actually think that Kunikida and Oda have a lot in common (they both refuse to kill, they both act as some sort of moral compass for Dazai) and even though Asagiri apparently refuses to ignore this, I like to think that Dazai sees these similarities too. That being said, even though I still consider Kunikidazai my number one ship, I firmly believe that Dazai will never ever love anyone again as much as he loved Oda and that’s fine. He can heal with Kunikida. (Also I didn’t mention Beast AU but I actually love it because it gives me more Odazai angst and because the only thing I ship more than Kunikidazai and Odazai is Dazai x consequences for his actions).

5) Chuuaku: I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD HEAL TOGETHER AND KISS YOU KNOW? This one is a little more of a crack ship I guess, but they have rights!!! They’re clearly quite comfortable together, they’re often drawn side by side in official arts and live for it. We also have a great scene at the end of Dead Apple where Aku helps Chuuya to get up and the two of them go home together and it’s very cute and it’s the only good thing about the messy ending of Dead Apple. They also have a lot in common, most notably they both got their lives ruined and destroyed by Dazai and I really wish that they would acknowledge it and bond of it in canon. They both got hurt so bad again and again, I would love to see the two them coming to term with it and healing together. Aku slowly opening up to Chuuya because he knows that he can trust him and Chuuya taking Aku under his wing because he sees a lot of himself in him, a young boy with power too destructive for his own good that’s being used against him. Also, the cute domesticity of it all ... the two of them going out after work and Chuuya trying to get Aku to relax and have fun, and at first Aku is really awkward but at some point, he genuinely laughs out loud over something stupid and Chuuya is like “oh no I love him” I just do be loving this power couple of soft boys.

6) Kunioda: I ... look I feel like I’m cheating with this one, but I can explain. I’m actually sparring you, believe it or not. Kunikida is my favorite character, so he has the Shigaraki syndrome of “I ship him with absolutely everyone because I ca and he deserves all the boyfriends and girlfriends” BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR KUNIODA. I’ve actually been casually shipping them as a crack ship since the beginning because, as I mentioned, I think that they have a lot in common. But then I learned about Beast AU where they’re partners and it immediately went “oh my god i can’t believe they’re married” AND THEN WE GOT BEAST AU ILLUSTRATED AND WE GOT THEM BEING ALL CUTE AND DOMESTIC AND STANDING SIDE BY SIDE ... AND IM JUST REALLY WEAK YALL ... Kunikida is my favourite character and Oda is my second favourite character so this was inevitable really. They’re just my comfort ship at this point, no tragic ending, always happy endings even when there is angst, cute domestic fluff and smut, just the two best men ever being in love and valid.

7) HiguGin: THEY DO BE GIRLFRIENDS THOUGH ... COME ON LESBIANS LET’S GO!!! Listen ... the episode where Kunikida and Astushi go get Katai for some hacking and get caught in some chaotic gay love triangle drama with Katai, Higuchi and Gin is the BEST BSD EPISODE EVER I don’t take constructive criticism. Higuchi is best girl and the chaotic bisexual rep we need. Higuchi and Gin are so good together, they’re just SO FUCKING CUTE AND CHAOTIC like this really “sword gf and gun gf” we love to see it. I’m living for Higuchi thinking she has a crush on Aku before realising that she is actually developing feelings for THE OTHER TWIN and maybe Katai, Kunikida and Atsushi all act as the best wingmen ever and it’s just cute sitcom/romcom shenanigans. They have big Chuaku energy tbh, power couple but also soft. I just really think that they should kiss.

8) AtsuAku: I used to love this ship a lot more before. My flame for them as diminished just because I feel like as of now, their canon relationship is really messy and charged with negative things so I would prefer them to both breaks away from Dazai’s influence before actually starting a relationship together (romantic or friendship). That being I still adore them and their current dynamic. I think that the Aku/Atsu/Kyouka dynamic, in general, is the heart and soul of the story, every time that these two are on screen/page together, the story is at its best. So Atsushi and Aku have some of the best scenes and interaction of the entire story together (like ... their fight Fitz is so incredibly GOOD URGH, KINGS ...) and I still enjoy the cute fanart (although I don’t really read fics). I’m also very interested in their dynamic in the Beast AU, there is great potential here!!!

9) FyoGol: I don’t have too much to say about them because I need to read more of the manga BUT I LOVE THE ENERGY OKAY ... just two chaotic evil being bitches ... just a Russian rat man and his horny clown boyfriend ... nothing to see here, just two dudes being gay and stabbing people ... I’m glad they’re gay and murderers, good for them.

10) KuniFyo: I CAN EXPLAIN, I PROMISE I CAN EXPLAIN ... JUST LISTEN OKAY ... I’m really into this ship lately because I can and will ship Kunikida with everyone, but also because it’s GOOD OKAY. Listen. Opposites attract, Fyodor being unable to understand Kunikida and seeing him as a challenge, sun and moon imagery, unstoppable force meets unmovable object, the two of them out of their comfort zone ... with Fyodor becoming obsessed with this man that he sees as a beacon of light and righteousness and needing to destroy him for that while simultaneously genuinely falling for him LIKE PLEASE GUYS. KuniFyo has rights. (Also if this ship intrigues you and you’re not put off by dark unhealthy relationships, I highly recommend this fic. It’s still a WIP but it’s really fun!)

That’s it for the top 10! Although the first five mostly stay the same, the rest of the ships tend to change and vary based on the story and on my moods. Last year I made a similar list on twitter and it was very different.

Honorable mention for the ships that I also love but didn’t quite make it this time: AtsuLucy, Kunikida x Yosano, Steincraft.

That was fun :D

#bungou stray dogs #long post #bsd #kunikidazai #ranpoe #fukumori #odazai #chuuaku #kunioda #higugin #atsuaku #fyogol #kunifyo

121 notes · View notes

mrcleanheichou · 4 years ago

Text

Forever and ever chapter 2

When two young people fall in love others often call it puppy love. A love so intense that ultimately fizzles out very quickly. No one believes someone so young could fall for someone so fast and have it be genuine until they see it with their own eyes.

Pairing Cowboy!Jungkook x reader

Genre fluff, angst, eventual smut

Word count 2K

Warnings Mention of a boner

Author’s note soooo long time no see lol I am such a bad fic writer, I literally start a WIP and don’t touch it for months. I have 4 WIPs that I bounce between when i get writer’s block. Slowly but surely I want to start writing consistently so I can get better. So I offer to you my Bangtan cowboy yeehaw fic. I really want to read cowboy fics but there’s barely anything so I decided to be the change I wanted to see in the world and wrote my own.

Here’s chapter 1

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 week later Jungkook had just finished working on sections of the barbed wire fence with Jimin when he saw his hyung Jin getting the wagon ready. As soon as he put the roll of extra wire and his gloves back in the shed he jogged over to Jin. “Hyung! Are you going to town?”, He asked a little too loud making the horse Jin was hooking up to panic a little. “Hey, hey, hey, you’re ok.”, Jin says trying to get the horse back under control. Once he gets the nervous animal to calm down he looks toward the sweaty young man. “Yeah, I have to go to the market. Do you want to go?”Jungkook said yes a little to excitedly. “Ok, but go wash up. You stink.”

Jungkook hurried to the room he shares with Taehyung in the large ranch house where all seven of the men who work on Bangtan cattle ranch live.

**~~~~~~~~~** The whole operation is split four ways between the four older men. Namjoon and Yoongi run the majority of everything between Yoongi finding buyers for their livestock and Namjoon negotiating deals. They are both very knowledgeable cattlemen despite being in their mid twenties. They do not let other cattlemen try to dupe them because they think they’re young and gullible. Multiple times meetings have almost come to blows since the older men don’t like being shown up by the quick witted duo. The other partners are Jin and Hoseok. Jin takes care of feeding six very hungry mouths. He is a very good cook and he is also very skilled at fixing leather. He makes money on the side by fixing bridles and saddles for other people. Then there’s Hoseok who used to be a bronco rider on the rodeo circuit and now he uses his skills to break in young horses. Jimin and Taehyung were a couple of trouble makers that would do little odd jobs and play cards to get money to drink and entertain the women at multiple saloons almost every night. They ended up at the same poker table as Yoongi one night 6 years ago. They got to talking and he told them about needing workers on his ranch. Jimin automatically said no. He was very against that idea since he didn’t want to do actual hard labor in the sun. Taehyung was more open to the idea of a consistent pay check. Yoongi made them a bet. They’d play three rounds of ‘7-card-stud’ and if Yoongi beat them at least two times then he’d stop asking. But if he did beat them then they both had to come work for him. They took the bet and obviously Yoongi won. Although Jimin still to this day swears Yoongi cheated. Jungkook’s story is a little different. He made the 50 mile journey to Coyote Creek from his family’s farm after one of many fights he had with his father. When his mother died his father turned to alcohol to drown the pain. He became a monster of a man and resented the fact that Jungkook looked like his mother. The only time an argument turned physical was right before Jungkook ran away. He accidentally burnt the dinner he was making. His father immediately got up and grabbed Jungkook by the shirt and yelled in his face about how useless he was. He told him he regreted ever having him and that he has never loved him. When Jungkook started crying his father slapped him across the face. That was the final straw for Jungkook. As soon as his father was too drunk to even know where he was, he started packing some of his things and stole some money his father’s stash in his closet. He raided the storehouse for as much essential foods that he could reasonably transport and packed it all up onto one of their horses. Taking one final look back at his childhood home, Jungkook finally stopped fighting his tears. He sobbed, allowing himself to mourn the loss of both his mother and father. Once he calmed down he got on his horse and left his old life behind. At the age of 14 Jungkook set off for a better life. It took him two days to reach the town where he promptly started asking around for a job. Unfortunately no one was interested in hiring him, even for simple jobs. After six days he was out of cash, hungry and desperate. He went to the horse auctions and was going to sell his horse to survive when a man who was wearing an expensive looking black cowboy hat asked him why he looked so sad. Jungkook told him he couldn’t get money any other way and he had no home to return to. The man gave him a sympathetic look and told him to stay where he was. That he’d be right back. A few minutes later he came back with a shorter man in tow. “My name is Namjoon and this is Yoongi.”, the other man tips his hat at Jungkook “I’d like to make you an offer.” Jungkook was about to say thank you when Namjoon cut him off, “But, I don’t want the horse. We’re looking for a new ranch hand and you look like a hard worker. Would you like to come work for us?” Jungkook immediately says yes. “What’s your name kid?” “Jungkook.” “Where are your parents?” Yoongi asked looking concerned. When Jungkook looked down at the ground trying to come up with an answer Yoongi put his hand on his shoulder. “It’s ok, you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.” The two men take Jungkook with them to purchase the two horses they came to the auction for. They then head out for the ten mile ride it takes to get back to their ranch. Namjoon notices that Jungkook’s face looks sunburnt so he asks him if he needs a hat. “No, no it’s ok you don’t have to give me anything, I’m fine.” Namjoon pays him no mind as he takes the obviously expensive hat off his head and places it on Jungkook’s. “Every man needs a good hat.” Six years later Jungkook still wears it. **~~~~~~~** Jungkook took his time looking through his clothes. He finally chose a white button up, the pair of jeans he never wears when he does work and his nice town boots. After he washed up and changed he walked back to where Jin was waiting for him. ”You know we’re just going to town for supplies right?” Jin commented looking him up and down while Jungkook climbed onto the wagon next to him. Jin himself was wearing his work overalls that had leather oil on them. “Yeah, I just felt like dressing up that’s all.” Jin just shrugged and snapped the reigns to get the horse to start moving. When they got into town Jungkook immediately looked toward the school and was disappointed when it seemed like no one was there. Dejectedly, Jungkook got off the wagon and followed Jin to the first shop. “Ok, I made a you a list so we can split up and get it done faster”, Jin said handing Jungkook a piece of paper leaving him in front of the farmer’s market. Jungkook sighed and went into the shop that housed fruits and vegetables and opened the door. He grabbed a woven hand basket from the counter and went for the first item on his list. Apples. Not just any apples either, Jin wrote ‘***GOOD APPLES***’ Which caused Jungkook to stand confused in front of all the different types of apples for a few minutes. “What the hell does ‘good apples’ even mean? I thought all apples were good.” “Would you like some help?”, A sweet sounding voice asked. Jungkook looks to the side and almost gasped when he saw who was talking to him. It was the school teacher, she was stunning up close and her eyes were exceptionally beautiful. She smiles at him and he swears he felt his heart skip a beat. “You seem a little out of your element here.” “Y-yeah.”, Jungkook manages to say while trying to not stare at the woman. He doesn’t know why he’s so infatuated with her. He doesn’t even know her. “Do you know what kind of apples you want?” Jungkook feels his face getting hot because, no. Jin just wrote apples and there’s a bunch of different kinds in front of him. “No, my hyung didn’t write down what kind he wanted.” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “I’m completely lost.” “That’s ok, can I see your list? Maybe I can try to guess what he’s making and get you the right apples for it.” Jungkook handed her the shopping list and their hands briefly touched causing Jungkook to completely stop breathing. The woman started reading the list and mumbling to herself with a look of concentration. Jungkook thought it was was the cutest thing ever. “Ok! I think he’s gonna be making apple pie because he wrote down; flour, sugar, cinnamon, salt, and butter. But you can’t get that here today. Mr. Lee only comes to town with his milk and butter 3 times a week so you’ll have to come back for that tomorrow. But we can definitely get your ‘Good Apples’ today.”, she giggled and he looked at her in awe. How could someone so lovely actually talk to him. He almost felt unworthy of being in her presence. “Ok so I’m going to be biased and get you the apples I personally think are the best for pie. If your Hyung doesn’t like them then tell me and I’ll give you money for different ones.” she said looking over her shoulder at a nodding Jungkook. “I love these ones. They’re ‘Pink Lady’ apples.”, she says grabbing a small light red apple “They’re Sweet but not too sweet. They make the pie come out much better than green apples and their name sounds classy.” She handed it to Jungkook and started picking out the best apples from the pile. After finding 6 perfect apples she put them in the basket he was carrying. Once again accidentally touching him In the process. Jungkook completely froze, he felt as if he was shocked by electricity. “I can help you with rest of your things” the woman said looking up at the poor awestruck man. “I mean only if you want me to...” she added when Jungkook just stared at her without answering worrying that she might have been intruding. Jungkook just nodded, he couldn’t trust himself to speak without fumbling over his words. The woman smiled and spent the next 30 minutes helping him with the rest of Jin’s list. After Jungkook payed the two made their way to the wagon. “Thank you for helping me. I would have been lost for a long time.” “You’re welcome” the teacher smiled at him brightly. “It was my pleasure. By the way what’s your name Mr apple pie?” “Jungkook” the woman pondered that for a second before extending her hand. “I’m y/n” Jungkook silently hoped she wouldn’t notice how sweaty his hand was. If y/n did she didn’t say anything about it while grasping his calloused hand with her smaller and much softer hand. Jungkook felt ashamed when his thoughts immediately when to a dirty place when he imagined her soft hands touching him somewhere else. Mentally slapping himself he snapped out of it before he, as Jimin liked to call it, popped a boner. “Well, Mr. Jungkook, I’ll see you at the school house bright and early tomorrow” she said while turning to walk away. When y/n was gone Jungkook raised his hand to his face to make sure this was all real. With his luck this would end up being a dream. At least it would has been a really good dream. He must have zoned out for a while because he was startled back to reality by Jin clapping him on the shoulder, “Stop staring into la la land and help me tie everything down.” Jungkook took one last look at his hand, “You were right hyung” ...’love at first sight does exist.’ “I’m always right. I don’t know why you’re barely realizing that now”

#Jungkook reader #jungkook fanfic #jungkook reader smut #Jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook fanfic #Jungkook reader fluff #BTS reader fluff #BTS reader #BTS smut #BTS reader smut

42 notes · View notes