#i don’t dislike his parenting because of his mental illness i don’t think he shouldn’t be allowed to be a parent because of mental illness

[kaseyskat]

SO SO SO TRUE ABT UR RB 🙏🙏🤝

THANK YOU it’s something i simply do not talk about because i know how hypocritical it’ll sound when i’m out here defending sparrows ass every day but i have SUCH BIG FEELINGS about how link was raised in isolation and they’re all bad

[may--flowerss]

OOH BOY HERE WE GO

So after the whole Geo vs everyone in his server thing went down i was intitally on Geo’s side, I wanted to be his friend and I believed what they’d said about fancy-that. I HATED fancy-that and her friends (mostly her) for quite some time because of what Geo said had happened. However after being added to a private gc within their new server I quickly changed my tune, and stayed to see just how long the BS would continue.

His first argument is that he’s never called Fancy a pedo

which as we can see is not true yet he says its not his fault if other people viewed fancy-that as a pedophile, which she is not nor is she a groomer.

in the above image Geo is talking in regards to manipulating and gaslighting the members of fancy-thats server into letting him have ownership again and forcing them to apologize first for what they did even though Geo had personal things that NEEDED to be attoned for first before any other apologies could be made though he claims to “not be toxic” 

this was Geo’s plan to once again gaslight and manipulate and lie to the server in order to get “their” server back. (it obviously didn’t work) this is hypocritical to the NUMEROUS times he states that he does not do these things, and this plan was created after the problem had already been resolved. He’s using his own friends as personal lackeys for his dirty work.

Geo “apologizes” to fancy claiming he never viewed her as a pedophile and then he turns right around and talks about her like this with his friends:

“No i don’t think ur a pedo, its not my fault people call you that! Now let me tell all my friends and make jokes about it and continue to call you a pedo behind your back” also fancy-that has a job where she works around children and an accusation like this could have gotten her fired if it got out. This apology is worthless because of how he acts after the fact.

Geo also stated multiple times that he “just wanted an apology” from the group and yet when me and some of his other friends attempted to set up an oppurtunity for everyone to apologize and set things right he wasn’t too happy about it:

Geo has stated in private that he “only wants drama” while publicly and to the faces of the server members said that he only wanted them to apologize because of how hurt he was. This shows he was lying and only wanted the fight to continue until he “won”

A huge sensitive topic throughout this whole thing was about the late mother of one of the server members Geo didn’t like. When this whole drama first came out Geo made a joke about the person’s dead mother and refused to apologize for it because “it was funny” 

imagine your defense being that the person didn’t even like that parent. It doesn’t matter it isn’t yours to make fun of

“I feel bad but it was funny” no it isn’t you’re just a terrible person. its SO funny to joke about someone’s dead parent right?

It took at least an hour for Geo to finally give in and apologize for making these hurtful comments towards this person. which as we can see were insincere.

He also confessed to this and i’ll just let it speak for itself:

Another person in the server who had to apologize (but shouldn’t have had to at all) was someone with autism who had to apologize for talking about their special interest/ hyper-fixation which wasn’t Hamilton related and which is common for autistic people to do. This person did also apologize for trauma dumping outside of the designated channel (something he did not do often) but although Geo claimed to not be bothered by him talking about his hyperfixations he had this to say to his friends:

Autistic people cannot control what they hyper-fixate on and even though Geo claims to not be ableist or dislike people with these mental illnesses he knows that special interests are an autistic trait and he even told fancy-that quote “you don’t get to be mean to me just because you’re neurodivergent”

another thing the other server disliked about Geo was how he always told them to “kys” which he claims was only a joke and one that he used with people he was comfortable with and that he didn’t really mean it....so why is he still saying it about them behind their backs???

yeah......totally sounds like you’re joking.

And just to expose him for something else. Geo got mad at the server the first time around when they shared their ss evidence of his behavior and accused them of deleting stuff while also defending the fact that he would NEVER delete anything. Oh really?

Geo also called out the other server for “hating new members” when he says stuff like this about new members in his server:

And then his big solution for everything to be “over” was for fancy-that to give him back ownership of the original server (which she didn’t do) 

this is just stupid. if you willingly gave it up thinking you were never going to come back they don’t HAVE to hand it back over to you. 

Geo sees this as a perfect solution for HIS own comfort even though he was originally the toxic one in the server who made everyone uncomfortable and scared when he was owner

Geo has also accused me and fancy-that of being the same person and though she says she never wanted to send spies into their server she had no problem talking shit about the things they would talk about with her friends who were allowed into the original server

Fancy-that was nothing but cordial to Geo throughout their arguments until Geo lashed out when he realized they weren’t getting what they wanted. 

Geo CONTINUES to portray himself as the only victim in this scenario.

Additionally in the gc he was telling his friends things to tell fancy-that when they were conversing with them. Naz lied to fancy saying he was neutral and wasn’t on Geo’s side but in reality Geo was feeding him things to say to her to trick her into letting her guard down (which he has done to her before) 

And also fancy has apologized and attoned for what she did to make Geo uncomfortable NUMEROUS times while Geo had to be coaxed and forced to apologize for his mistakes. And the apologies were fake anyway because he continued to talk shit about those things even after.

Also Geo said they were going to get me for this shit if I ever made it public so like bring it on I guess??? sorry ur scared of the truth lmao.

@pettywithanr​ 

[7laleslita7]

Stuttering With June 

Chapter 11: Babushka 

Babushka= Russian word for grandma 

Andrei POV: 

“Stop worrying about him so much it’s his problem not yours”. They say to me always they say that I shouldn’t get affected by Ivan’s actions. That, that’s his problem and his own personal life shouldn’t affect my personal life. And I try not to care and I try to be kind to him. But I can’t help but try to help him. He’s skin and bone and I want to turn that into something beautiful. 

Well my name is Andrei and certain counselors and teachers say that I might be showing signs of Dysthymia. And that if they don’t get me any help that it might get worse. But there’s is one thing about my parents, well that thing is that they don’t really believe in mental illnesses. They don’t really believe in therapy or anything like that. They thought that those people who have mental illnesses are pretending to have them for attention. 

They also argue a lot and I mean a lot. And I’m going to be honest I don’t think they are very much in love. The only reason why they stay together is because they don’t want to go through all the court room system. And through all the paperwork etc. But if it wasn’t that complicated then they would’ve been divorced a long time ago. And me and Ivan wouldn’t have possibly been born. 

Ivan is a bit of a complicated person in general. He used to be so happy and cheerful I want to know what happened to the old Ivan. I remember when we used to go swimming together we even go took swimming classes together. I was always terrified to go inside the pool and how I would squeal and squirm when any of the adults tried to put me in the pool. But I seemed to calm down a bit when Ivan took me in slowly. 

But now he barley talks to me now. He spends concerning pieces of time in his room. Our parents call him lazy and usually scold for staying in his bed all day. They usually compare me to him and they use me as an example. Every time they argue with him they bring up how perfect I am and how he should be more like me. And I feel bad every time they do that I feel guilty and I feel like I am the reason why he acts like he dose. 

Even though mom and dad use me as an example I still have some  things that they dislike about me. The main problems with me is how cowardly and childish I am. They always try to take Nikita away from me but that is the one thing I won’t let them get away with. I’ve had Nikita ever since I was a baby it was given to me by Babushka. Her name was also Nikita I named Nikita after her. Sadly,Babushka died of old age when I was 7 years old. 

I spend most of my time with Babushka. And it really affected me I wasn’t able to eat and was just sad in general. Well I was sad until Ivan told me that there is a reason why Babushka gave me Nikita. He said that she remains in that rabbit toy and she wanted me to take care of it. That is why I care so much about Nikita,I care about them because Babushka wanted me to take care of them. 

After a few years of having Nikita. They are getting kind of old but I try my best to take care of them. Because I remember how Babushka used to protect from whatever I was scared of. And since she remains in Nikita I will do my best to take care of them. 

Love you,Babushka 

End of chapter 11 

[queenshelby]

My Friend’s Father (Part Five)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Age Gap, Mild Sexual References

Words: 1,848

Notes:

I have decided to make this into a series.

Alright, no judgment. This was a dream of mine and I felt like I had to write it down. Everyone in this Fic is over the age of 18 and this Fic is in no way based on Cillian’s real family life. It’s pure filth.

 *************************

YOUR POV

Two weeks had passed since you visited your friend Denise in Dublin and it was time for the annual Galway Arts Festival.

Denise had been working on a photography project for the past year and had been nominated for a student award in Galway as part of which ten of her photographs were being displayed during the Arts Festival.

Whilst, as you had expected, Cillian didn’t contact you, you knew that he would be there to support his daughter. Being an artist himself, he was very proud of her and her work and he supported her projects not only mentally but also financially with the caveat that she would finish her degree at Trinity College.

Unlike him, he didn’t want her to drop out of university even though she hated it and you certainly understood his reasoning.

Contrary to Denise, you had no creative bone in your body. You enjoyed art and theatre, but weren’t an artist or performer yourself. Instead, you were an A Grade Law Student who had become rather bored in Galway and had recently applied for a scholarship to Oxford University.

Reading was your passion and you had always been known as a geek. In school, you were the girl that no one liked, nerdy, not interested in fashion or social media and wearing braces, which, luckily, had been removed three years ago.

You were shy and it was only for Denise that you came out of your shell. She was popular in school, mostly due to her name, but also because she was generally confident and, over the years, she helped you gain confidence especially after you had left high school.

But, today, you knew you would be questioning your gained confidence once again since, first of all, you would be seeing Cillian again and the truth was that you couldn’t stop thinking about him in an intimate way and, secondly, you were featured completely naked on some of Denise’s photographs.

Whilst the photographs were artistic and not sexual in any way and your most intimate part wasn’t visible on them, it bothered you knowing that people you disliked would see you so vulnerable and you couldn’t remember why you had agreed to being photographed like that.

The other woman who Denise chose to photograph was Amalie. She was 23 and had been Denise’s friend for a while as well but, unlike you, she began modelling professionally when she was just 16. You all went to the same private school together and, clearly, her lifestyle had been largely financed by her parents. She always wore expensive clothes and had no interest in pursuing a career other than modelling, which barely sustained her lifestyle considering the few small jobs she got.

***

Just as you served your last cup of coffee to an elderly lady sitting in the corner of the café you were working at, you saw Denise, Amalie and two other friends of Denise walk in.

‘Hey guys, take a seat. I will be right with you. I am just about to finish my shift’ you said as you hung up your apron.

‘Please tell me you will get changed before the Gallery opening tonight?’ Amalie asked somewhat weirdly and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes as you sat down at the table with her, Denise and the others before ordering some coffees for yourselves.

‘No, I thought I would go like this’ you said sarcastically, looking down at your coffee-stained clothes.

‘I bought a dress for tonight’ you then said, after Amalie didn’t seem to sense your sarcasm.

‘Right’ she then said as she flicked through Instagram and you simply looked at Denise who shrug her shoulders.

‘What are you looking for?’ you asked curiously as her eyes seemed to be glued to her phone.

‘She is looking to find more photos of my dad and Laura Jennings’ Denise said, rolling her eyes.

‘Laura Jennings, as in the actress?’ you asked, causing Amalie to nod.

‘Yes, apparently they have been dating’ Amalie then confirmed, causing you to swallow harshly. You knew that you shouldn’t care but you couldn’t help it. Knowing that Cillian was seeing someone made you feel ill.  

‘And you care about that why?’ you then asked Amalie after an uncomfortable shiver ran down your spine.

‘Apparently, just like you, Amalie thinks my dad is a DILF’ Denise huffed out before telling you how disgusting you all were.

‘Well, he is though…he is super hot’ Amalie then joked before carrying on. ‘And I don’t understand how you don’t know about Laura Jennings and whether this is true or not. You need to find out’ Amalie then said but Denise simply shook her head.

‘My father doesn’t share this sort of stuff with me and I certainly don’t want to know about his sex life, thank you very much. In so far as I am concerned, he doesn’t have sex, ever…yuck! Also, I would appreciate if you could not talk about my dad anymore, please. It grosses me out’ Denise said and you knew that, all of this had become a common occurrence ever since the day the first episode of Peaky Blinders aired on BBC, a show which Denise refuses to watch herself because of the heavy sexual content and a show which you, only a week ago, had begun to binge watch.

Cillian’s POV

When Cillian walked into the basement after you had left, he immediately saw the small folded up note you had left him but, reading it, made him somewhat uncomfortable.

He was torn about what to do with it and certainly knew that he should ignore it. He couldn’t see you again even if he wanted to.

The fact that you were 23 years younger than him and that you were his daughter’s best friend made it all wrong and highly inappropriate and he didn’t know what had gotten into him in the first place when he gave into you.

He had never felt attracted towards you in any sort of way until that last visit which was the first time had seen you since you and your family had moved away.

You changed in many ways and he wasn’t sure what it was that he liked about you. But what he knew was that it was more than just sexual attraction, which was usually something he knew how to supress.

With that in mind, he placed your note into his wallet and decided to ignore it for now. But he couldn’t quite bring himself to throw it out.

***

With his bags packed it was time for him to return to Manchester and resume filming of the final season of Peaky Blinders.

The first week of filming went well and Cillian decided to spend the weekend with his friend, fellow actress Laura Jennings. Cillian and her had developed a friend with benefits sort of relationship. No strings attached and no feelings involved. After his divorce from Denise’s mother, he wasn’t ready for anything else and Laura would certainly not have been the type of woman he would have wanted a relationship with in the first place.

Unlike him, she wasn’t press shy and, whilst they kept their arrangement a secret as best as they could, she was otherwise quite active on social media.

Cillian, on the other hand, only maintained a private Instagram account with the sole purpose of being able to check on his children. Whilst they were adults, he was still worried about them, especially Denise who had recently gotten herself in a lot of trouble after distancing herself from this Jeremy boy.

***

‘Another wine?’ Laura asked as Cillian was relaxing on top of the doonas, wearing nothing but his black Calvin Klein briefs, after they had spent the last hour doing exactly what friends with benefits would do after not having seen each other for over two weeks due to busy filming schedules.

‘Yes please…thanks’ he responded as he reached for his phone after a notification had popped up.

It was his daughter Denise who had posted on Instagram and, since she hadn’t posted for a while, he decided to check it out, hoping that she wasn’t with Jeremy again.

To his surprise, three new pictures of Denise and her friends showed up when he opened the APP and, one of them, there was you.

In the picture, you were wearing accompanied by a man in his late twenties, wearing a suit while you were wearing a dark blue dress and he couldn’t help but wonder who the man by your side was.

You looked simply stunning, with your hair long and open and your shoulders exposed. You were wearing only a little bit of make up and showed your beautiful smile.  

‘There you go Mr Murphy’ Laura then said as she returned to the bedroom with another glass of wine, pulling Cillian’s phone out of his hand and climbing on top of him.

‘Round Two?’ she then asked eagerly as she reached for another condom, but Cillian’s thoughts were elsewhere entirely.

‘Maybe tomorrow, I am tired. It has been a long week, sorry’ he explained, causing Laura to pout with disappointment.

But the second round never eventuated as Cillian left Laura’s house the following morning to drive back to Manchester to resume filming.

On his way back to Manchester, he called his daughter Denise to check on her and while he did, he enquired about your companion on the Instagram posts.

‘Why do you want to know?’ Denise asked somewhat confused but Cillian played it cool.

‘He looks familiar, that’s all. Didn’t he go to your school?’ he then asked, playing dumb.

‘Oh god no, he is 29. His name is Connor and he is an accountant. Y/N wouldn’t date anyone our age. You know she isn’t a normal 21-year-old’ Denise joked, referring to your nerdiness and intellect.

‘Apparently not’ Cillian chuckled before asking another question about the stranger on the picture. ‘So, they are dating?’ he asked.

‘I think they went on two or three dates or something. Why do you care?’ Denise asked.

‘No reason. I was just wondering’ Cillian confirmed before changing the topic.

   Tag List:

@lilymurphy03@deefigs @theflamecrystal @desperate-and-broken @weepingstudentfishhorse @livinginfantaxy @rosey1981 @atomicsoulcollecto @peakyboyslover @nerdy4itall@elenavampire21 @hanster1998@mariapaiva13 @fairypitou @harry-is-your-sunflower @zozeebo @lauren-raines-x @kasaikawa @littlewierdalien @sad-huffle-nerd @theflamecrystal @peakymalfoyscullymulder @themissthang@0ghostwriter0 @stylescanbeatmyback @1-800-peakyblinders @datewithgianni @momoneymolife @ntmynouis @lilymurphy03 @mcntsee@cloudofdisney@missymurphy1985 @peakymalfoyscullymulder @otterly-fey @janelongxox @uchihacumdump @basiclassy @being-worthy @chaotic-bean-of-smolness @margoo0 @chocolatehalo @vhscillian @ysmmsy @littlewierdalien @crazymar15  @stickyknightflowerbailiff @im-constantly-fangirling @goldensunflowe-r  @tellingyouastory  @captivatedbycillianmurphy​  @namelesslosers​  @littlewhiterose​  @ttzamara​  @ttzamara @cilleveryone  ​

@peaky-cillian​

@severewobblerlightdragon​  @ysmmsy​  

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

 -you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality. 

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime. 

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that. 

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances. 

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted. 

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile. 

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy. 

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche. 

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed. 

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms). 

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him. 

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does. 

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene: 

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff. 

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention. 

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #475

(from two days ago, oops)

What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) I really like a steady rain tapping on the windows. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? No, because I'm ugly. It's annoying because I've been wanting to take pics with Girt considering even as just friends literally none exist of us, but yeah. I fucking hate taking pictures of myself and it takes a billion and two tries to get a picture I deem "acceptable" anyway. Were you named after anyone? No. What was the last comic book you read? I don't and never have read comic books. What is your heritage? German, Irish, and Polish. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. All things considered, somehow my former best friend was the worst. She was homophobic, racist, extremely self-centered, drama-driven, excessively bossy, ungrateful... I will never be able to explain how our friendship ever worked. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Burn it. With certainty. We just aren't meant to live forever. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? 99% of my life has been Cringe. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? Be distracted/not pay attention to the other, like by constantly using their phone. It's so rude. That would immediately make me lose interest in you. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? I dunno. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? I was absolutely going to college as a kid. Fast-forward to the future, I've dropped out three times and am going nowhere. Little me saw me as so, so much more successful. Do you actually iron your clothes? No. Unless it's a formal occasion. Do you rent or own your current home? We rent. Have you ever used cursive after school, aside from your signature? My handwriting is naturally mostly cursive. Do you have your groceries delivered or do you buy them yourself? We order our groceries for pick-up, so we have to go to the store, but not in. Do you have a gym membership? Sigh. I do, but Mom and I have really been neglecting going since my time with my personal trainer ran out... What’s your favorite computer game genre? Horror, of course. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you ever been severely mentally ill? I am. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? EW no, that shit grosses me out so much. If someone’s laughing, do you instantly think they’re laughing at you? Suuuure do. How would you react if your parents told you they were having another baby? Well, they're divorced, Mom cannot stand my dad, and she also had a complete hysterectomy when she had ovarian cancer, so like... Have you ever had a garage or yard sale before? How much did you make? Over the course of my life, we've had a few yard sales. I don't remember how much we made at any. Have you ever had to evacuate your home for any reason? No. Which mythological creature is your favorite? DRAGONS. I love dragons. Have you ever been to a butterfly garden before? No, but that sounds amazing. What's the biggest bird you've ever seen up close? Oh my god y'all, when I volunteered once at a wildlife rehab center, I was FEET away from some sort of falcon. Guys, you would not believe JUST how big birds of prey are. I was shocked and in total awe. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? More than once. Were you ever afraid of the dark as a child? I don't THINK I was? What is the strangest thing you’ve been asked? Something inappropriate that really pissed me off. What was your favorite game as a child? I was obsessed with the original Spryo trilogy and would play all three obsessively. What is the darkest thing you have seen on the internet? I don't know, dark shit. Do you crack your knuckles, neck or toes constantly? No, but ugh Girt does that with his neck and it drives me insane alsdkjfaljdlfkwe. Are you constantly catching colds or other sicknesses? No, my immune system is a legend. Are you afraid of mice? No, they're precious. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I go on vacations so irregularly that I can't really answer this. I've been on a vacation maybe twice in my entire life. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Will you willingly sing in front of other people besides your family? God no. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? No. I don't like soup. Who can never fail to make you laugh? Absolutely my boyfriend. He's the funniest person I know. Have you ever been on a tour bus? No. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Earplugs. Are you listening to music right now? No; I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within. Have you ever unbuttoned your ex’s pants? Just one of them, but we were together at the time. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? Mom made pizza. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? Girt's mother has Covid. He's vaccinated, but nevertheless, he's still getting a test done just to be safe, and also because if he's contracted it, I might have it. And that means my mother could get it, which just cannot happen, even if she's vaccinated, too. The poor guy is really freaking out about it, but ASTONISHINGLY, I'm not panicking yet. Girt's health has seemed fine, I'm fine, so... We'll just have to wait to see what his test says. Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? No; yes. I hate living in the suburbs, it sucks here. Would you say either one of your parents are 'pack-rats?' No. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. Do you have freckles? Do you like/dislike them? Not on my face, no. I have a few randomly on my body though. Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? No. Have you downloaded extra fonts for your computer? Oh, plenty. Who is the latest great YouTuber you’ve discovered? The latest, uhhhh. I'd probably say John Wolfe as a truly "great" one considering I watch him regularly now. Do you read the Bible regularly? Yeah, no. All the Bible does is piss me off, frankly. Name three patriotic songs you like. I don't know about three, but I do shockingly like this one country song with a name I can't remember. All I know is it has "red, white, and blue" in the title. ... I think. Oh! There's "Deutschland" by Rammstein, even though it's not about my own country. Has it ever snowed on your birthday? Maybe at some point as a kid? Idr. Do you like the way your name is spelled? No, actually. I wish it was "Brittney." It's more true to the pronunciation. Do you believe in astrology? Not in the slightest, and while I really shouldn't care, like believe what you want, it's a genuine pet peeve of mine when others base their fucking lives around what positions some goddamn stars are in in an infinite universe. They make decisions based on bullshit being spat at them that might not be suitable. I know, it's stupid to care, but I can never seem to NOT roll my eyes when I see/hear people blaming their flaws and shit on this stuff. Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? No; I have very few. What’s the band that you love even though you know they’re awful? I can't help but love some Blood on the Dance Floor songs. :x Do you coo over other people’s babies? No, not really. Like I can acknowledge a cute picture and be like "awww," but it's nothing I lose my mind over at all. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? The only high school friend of mine I'm still actively friends with/is still in my life is Girt, obviously. Like I have HS friends on Facebook that I still very much love and will react to what they post and sometimes comment, but we don't really talk-talk. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ That's not something I can afford to do. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? I do, and I love them both. Do you store a lot of pictures you’ve taken that no one else has seen? I'm a wanna-be photographer, of course I do. If you had to name your kid after an American state, which would you choose? Probably "Dakota" for either gender. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have your normal dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. Do/did you doodle on your books at school? My notebooks and binders, ohhhh yes. Actual school textbooks, absolutely not. Who’d you last see in a tux? The groom and groomsmen of the last wedding I shot. Who’s the bravest person you know? Sara. Have you ever dated someone who was real sportsy? No.

[goldenpctals]

TRUTH BOOTH, mackenzie edition 

GENERAL QUESTIONS

1. Please state your full name: I’m Mackenzie Juniper Quinn 2. Does your name(s) have any kind of meaning? If so, what is it? I was named ever my mother’s grandmother, Mackenzie and Juniper was my own grandmother. So classic, right? 3. Do you have any nicknames? A few. Kenz, Kenzie 4. Where were you born? And in which country? Born and raised in Brisbane, Queensland. Also known as Australia 5. What is your date of birth? November 1, 1995  6. Of course, the following question; what is your Zodiac sign? Scorpio 7. Do you believe in Zodiac signs? No, they never add up. There is a moment where every now and then, I can relate to a certain post. However, Zodiac signs are just a myth to me 8. Where do you live? I jump between Violet Springs and London  9. What is your home situation like? (ex. do you live with your family? Your partner etc.?) In London, I have my own apartment, but in Violet Springs, I live with Theo. I have an apartment in London because of my work duties 10. Do you have any siblings? I have one twin brother named Sebestian who constantly reminds me that he is the oldest by 30 seconds. Sad  11. Do you have any kind of allergies? Peanut allergy 12. Do you own any pets? If so, what kind of pets are they? Do snakes back home in Australia count? We usually occur a wild snake every now and then. They keep seem to come back? 13. Why did you apply to St Jude’s? My mom recommended it to me and eventually, I had a scholarship 14. Did you had to go through a lot audition rounds? No, I was discovered  15. What is the current course you’re following? Acting, mostly on screen/tv 16. If you can switch courses, which one would you switch to and why? Producing. It’s a new journey I’m starting at the moment  17. What is your proudest project you’ve done? I, Tonya 18. What is the proudest project that someone’s else has done? Anything Mason does. His work is absolutely fascinating 19. Do you like FanCons? I do 20. What do you like about FanCons? The answer would be pretty obvious, but meeting fans and getting to know them 21. What don’t you like about FanCons? Too personal questions. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s FanCon and fans will ask questions, but some are unbelievably severe 22. A fan memory that always stuck with you? Can be positive or negative. Whenever they dress up as Harley Quinn. That always stays absolutely adorable 23. Your favorite event so far? I love any kind of award show 24. What kind of event would you like to see in the future? Maybe some kind of camping / surviving trip?  25. Would you recommend St Jude’s to friends, family. etc? Depends. If you handle the pressure and you are career-focused, then yes. If you can’t handle the drama, then no

PERSONALITY QUESTIONS

26. What are your positive traits? Passionate, purposeful and patient. The 3 P’s that Quinn’s usually swear by 27. What are you negative traits? Incredibly stubborn and a little too fierce 28. What would other people describe you as? I hope positive things. But I know some of them have a lot to say other wise, oops 29. What are your pet peeves? Picking men over your friends 30. What makes you happy? Family, genuine friends, working 31. What makes you upset? The classic: ‘seeing one of my loved ones upset’  32. What is something you love? Working. I’m a workaholic  33. What is something you dislike? Being so proud of something and then not getting the recognision that everyone deserves 34. What are you strengths? I would like to say that I’m organised?  35. What are you weaknesses? Picking my head over my heart. Poor choices have been made, unfortunately  36. A misconception people often think of you? That I’m a spoiled brat, probably. Little did they know, everything I’ve done, has been acchieved by me, myself and I 37. Do you have any fears? Yes, but I’m passing this one since I have 3 passes 38. What scares you the most? Tiny holes. They are awful  39. What do you do to entertain yourself? Work out, go shopping or be around my friends 40. What is your MBTI? My MBTI type is ESFP 41. How do you deal with stress? Talk to Amber, she is like my personal therapist 42. Are you a determined person? Are you a stubborn person? Stubborn, very  43. Do you consider yourself selfish? I am. However, since when is this a bad thing? You should be looking out for yourself?  44. Would you like to be different? No, I don’t  45. Are you more introverted (focused on your inner world) or more extraverted (focused on other people and the outer world)? Extraverted

ROMANCE QUESTIONS

46. What is your sexual orientation? My sexuality is: Heterosexual 47. Current relationship status? I’ve been in a relationship with Theo Carmichael for a couple of years now, even when we had our low moments, I still adore him 48. When was your first kiss? Behind a bar, I was drunk and snuck out of my house 49. Do you remember your first date? If so, with who was it? What did you do? Yes, it was that awful that I’m sparing you the details. You’re welcome!  50. Have you ever experienced heart-break? Pass 51. Have you ever been in love? (If yes, skip to question 53) I have!  52. If no, how so? n/a 53. How do you know when you’re in love? Honestly, this was pretty hard for me to answer. I have experienced multiple relationships in my past and with Theo, things were just different. There was so much more and he opened up a whole new world to me by being so patient and understand 54. What would be your ideal date? Take me on an adventure and you’re good to go 55. What is your perspective on marriage? Being pressured into marriage is never good. My parents tend to do so. However, I would love to get married someday. 56. (only for non-virgins) Are you a sub, dom or switch? You had the audicity to ask that? 57. What do you think of relationships? If you’re in love, then it’s wonderful. I wish people stopped getting their lonely souls mixed into business they shouldn’t even be in 58. What do you think of one-night stands? Used to, but it’s a no for me, thanks 59. Are you still a virgin? No, I’m not 60. Most attractive trait in a different person? Passion 61. What matters most to you when it comes to a relationship? Being truthful to one another and talk things out if there is something to talk about. I’m still learning this myself  62. Are you comfortable with PDA? Or would you be comfortable with PDA? Not the biggest fan, but I don’t really mind it?  63. Are you more of a type to be asked out or the type to ask the other out? The one to be asked out 64. How do you express love to the other? *looks away at Theo* 65. Who is your celebrity crush? If I don’t say my boyfriend, he will probably ignore me for a solid week and come back with a replacement for me. Probably a dog. So, my boyfriend, Theo 

GETTING DEEP QUESTIONS

66. Do you regret anything? Yes, I do  67. Is there something you woule like to re-do? So, start all over again? There are a couple of things yes. But that’s for me to know and for you to dot.. dot.. dot.. 68. What is something you would never share with anyone? What happened in Brisbane on July 20, 2012 (OOC: This is that her secret happened)  69. When was the last time you cried? Why did you cry? Yesterday. Sometimes I tend to get overwhelmed by the pressure of my parents. Bash thinks he isn’t their favorite and always calls me out for being the favorite. I don’t think he knows what they want me to be 70. Most memorable event that happened in your time in St Judes? This could be anything: I almost drowned whenever the ship sunk. This happened twice. Twice? Like, excuse me? Did St Judes raised their insurance policy? I hope they did 71. One thing you wish you could do all over? See question 67 72. Someone you miss? People leave for a reason. It is what it is  73. Something you wish you could forget? Once again, July 20 2012 74. Who has the biggest impact on you? Disney has a pretty big impact on me. She is definitely someone I look up to, a lot. Also my mom or my grandmother  75. What is your perspective on love? Is it beautiful? Does it scare you? It shouldn’t be scary. If love scares you, are you ready for it?  76. What has hurt you in the past that you don’t want others to go through? Hm, can’t really think of something?  77. What is something you have gained, something you have lost and something you let go of during the past year? Gained: More confidence in my work. Lost? “Friends”. Let go of: Chopping my hair so short 78. Have you ever lost a friend? do you wish you would still be friends? Yes and no.  79. Do you have any triggers? What is the history behind these triggers and are they related to any disorders or mental illnesses? I don’t 80. If you could meet your 16 year old self, what would tell them? That life isn’t really that painful and that I should really get a sense of fashion......... 

RANDOM QUESTION ROUND

81. Summer or Winter? Summer, any day 82. Cats or dogs? Dogs  83. Beach or mountains? Beaches, but I love the mountain view more 84. Phone calls or texting? Phone calls 85. Have you ever skipped class? Rarely 

[fangsforfags]

Shameless Characters as Songs I like:

Frank Gallagher: Prescription by Mindless Self Indulgence. It talks about needing to take pills, and Frank Gallagher loves pills. Honestly it just suits him. 🤷

Fiona Gallagher: To Build A Home by Cinematic Orchestra. We shoulda seen this coming. I mean come one, she seriously went since she was 6 to keep her family together! She always tried for them and was always there for them--pretty much becoming like a mom, a parent, a "home" to her siblings. She's worked so hard to keep them home from Dcfs whenever they got separated. She was the only person close enough to a parent that cared for the kids, and she deserved so much better. She became a better mom than Monica and a better dad than Frank. She became the parent her siblings needed. She made sure they were safe because they are her life.

Lip Gallagher: Get It Up by Mindless Self Indulgence. I really didn't want to use another MSI song but there's a part in the song that says, "...just whatever you do don't talk about your fucking boyfriend while we're having sex..." And it just reminds me of Lip because there are times where his partner is talking about someone else while they do it and it just makes this song choice for him even more relatable.

Ian Gallagher: Wires by The Neighbourhood. I think this song goes good with Ian because there's a part where the singer talks about giving someone their medicine and I think of Ian. And the whole song reminds me of Ian and his bipolar because "the wires got the best of him," where the "wires" is his mental illness.

Debbie Gallagher: Smack a bitch by Rico Nasty. I was debating on songs because I dislike Debbie by a lot and was debating in using Lily Allen's song "fuck you." But I chose Rico's song because honestly Debbie isn't afraid to throw hands with someone. In s5, she went and beat up Holly and Ellie (for no reason bc Debs is a bitch like that) and fought that homeless lady in s7 over that corner. So, Debs throws hand.

Carl Gallagher: Teenagers by My Chemical Romance. Honestly, Carl is a tough, intimidating, ruthless person who could beat the shit out of you. I mean, even in early seasons Carl was kinda ruthless to people and pets. This songs just works for him.

Liam Gallagher: Cool Blue by The Japanese House. Honestly I see Liam as this song because Liam is this quiet, calm, collected kid and this song is soft and calm. Yes i know it's used in s1 of 13rw, but this song reminds me of Liam. It's just a nice song to listen to and Liam is pretty quiet and he's a nice kid too.

Mickey Milkovich: Mistakes Like This by Prelow. This song gives me closeted!Mickey vibes man. When the singer is pretty much saying how they can't stop thinking of a person but they know they shouldn't get involved, it reminds me of Mickey before he started actually caring about Ian. Because he wanted Ian, but he knew he shouldn't want him because of his dad. So he tries to keep Ian away with the "feelings" and all that shit.

Mandy Milkovich: Not Your Barbie Girl by Ava Max. We know that Mandy doesn't let guys use her. In s2 Mandy tells Lip that after a 3rd time they either figure it out or stop, meaning she wasn't gonna be someone that was used only for sex. She had plans for a relationship, and doesn't let boys control her. She's also held a shotgun to T*rry so respect for that. :)

Veronica Fisher: OMG by Iggy Azalea and Wiz Khalifa. I think this song goes to Ms. Veronica Fisher because nobody can compare to her. She's absolutely beautiful and she knows it. She's a bad ass bitch too and doesn't fuck with anybody that tries crossing her. A. Fucking. Queen.

Kevin Ball: Never Gonna Give You Up- Rick Astley. Haha, get Rick Rolled bitches. ✌😄 nah jk but Kev deserves this song because he's so fucking loyal from loving V and only V, to helping the Gallaghers when they need it. Kevin is a really loyal guy and loves everyone and is a protector for his friends and family. Everyone needs a Kevin in their life. :)

Karen Jackson: Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood. Yes another song by them, deal with it. But this songs reflects Karen perfectly because her dad did humiliate her in front of a group full of people. He called her a whore and made her think he loved her again. It caused her to fuck up a lot and not care for consequences. But with her dad being a dick and her mom not really being there for her to see her succeed, it fucks you up.

Sheila Jackson: Ms. Jackson by The Outkast. "IM SORRY MS. JACKSON. NEVER MEANT TO MAKE YOU DAUGHTER CRY..." Lol but seriously i see Sheila with this song, well because she's Ms. Jackson. And that part I have quoted makes me think if Lip and Karen. But the song overall makes me think of Sheila. Sheila if you're reading this we miss you and want you back. :(

Yo if you got any songs you think would work better with them just comment! :)

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

🍄🌻💐🌼 for the ask meme. Either or both characters (or mix-n-match). c: And 💫 for you!

You are a gem, thank you for asking!! 

🍄 What are your OCs favourite snacks? Their favourite comfort food which always cheers them up when they’re down? Favourite meal to make? Do they enjoy baking and cooking and are they any good in the kitchen? 

For Luca - 

I like to imagine that Jacob was low-key the best cook in the family, and that he passed on his secret arts to Luca during their quality time. After he disappeared, Luca was left, more or less, to take care of themself. To make their own dinner, and so on. I’d imagine they’re quite good at traditional, muggle cooking. Their favorite thing to make, and they would do so as a holiday tradition, is Pumpkin Pie. (Treacle Tart got nothing on #BestPie) But as for comfort food, I think it would be as simple as fish n chips, especially since they like any and all things with potato. What really calms them down though, is tea. Chamomile by preference, but any tea will do. They make a habit of drinking it every night before bed. 

For Gail - 

Gail and Jacob do not get along nearly as well as either of them do with Luca. So Gail would not have learned Jacob’s trade, and while it would still fall to her to take on responsibilities that a child shouldn’t have to, the cooking part would not come nearly so easily to her. Fact: Gail burns everything. Including water. She gets easily stressed out and ultimately resorts to involving magic in her cooking, which, while it is a shortcut, tends to result in everything being tasteless. Gail doesn’t have nearly the sweet tooth that Luca has, but she does have a particular weakness for mint chocolate-chip ice cream. She refuses to cry in front of other people, so she needs some comfortable garbage food for when she inevitably lets it all out. One final note - Gail drinks a lot of coffee. Like, a lot. Usually without sweetener. But it’s a fix for her. 

🌻 What little things do they notice about people or the world around them that make them happy? What tiny little treasures do they find in the normal every day that makes the world seem a little brighter for them?

For Luca - 

One of Luca’s greatest strengths lies in their empathy, and how emotionally open they are. As a result, they’re able to notice the minor details in a person, if they spend enough time with them. The way Rowan firmly adjusts their glasses whenever they decide on a new goal. The way Tonks wrinkles her nose when she’s annoyed. Little quirks and habits like that, which help define the people in their life and keep them grounded. Luca lives for the people they’ve grown close to, the found-family that’s been established - especially as they get older and more mature, able to understand the failings and problems of the Fawley family itself. There’s a kind of unique joy in using this observational skill to make their friends feel better, too. Luca often feels like a burden, so if they can engage with a close friend and point out these quirks to them, it can make both parties feel better. Penny having a stressful day? Enter Luca to remind her to take her braids out once classes are over, since she sometimes gets a headache if she keeps them in too long. Chiara has a post-full moon “hangover?” Luca is the one who’s memorized Borf’s schedule and knows where to find them and bring them to her. Little things like this help Luca feel like they’re being helpful, that they belong.

For Gail - 

Gail is simultaneously much more outgoing, and far less open. She engages with people but never gets vulnerable. She’s cheerful and pleasant, but only on a surface level. Gail boxes a lot of her emotions because she operates on a mindset of what is useful, and what isn’t. She might be having a terrible day and need to break down, but that wastes time, and doesn’t accomplish anything. So she buries it. Ignoring her anxiety allows her to come off as quite dauntless, but it’s always borrowed time. Sooner or later, she has to let it out. But when she’s alone and lets her emotions out, it can be quite cleansing. Gail has a strange and unhealthy cycle of managing her stress, letting it build up and then expelling it. Usually in private, unless she manages to find a fix, like Quidditch. But she always feels much better after the fact, and it’s these moments that she looks forward too. Watching the stars as the moonlight shines down on her tear-stained face. Getting that first cup of coffee in the morning after a night of sleeping fitfully. If she has a break-down and trashes her room or breaks her possessions…then repairing them and cleaning up everything can be very therapeutic. The satisfaction of catching the Snitch…that’s a high that she can ride for at least the next several hours. To talk about the “little things” that Gail treasures takes one down a dangerous path. Because while she is by no means an addict…she does have that type of personality. She doesn’t drink at all, period. But if she did…not only would she be a lightweight, she’d very much be in danger of becoming dependent, as alluded to,  she unconsciously leans on “fixes.” 

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

For Luca - 

Poor Luca has an unfortunate pattern of winding up in the Hospital Wing or otherwise in need of medical care. Usually because of varying mental illnesses that the Wizarding World is entirely baffled by. Sadly, Luca eventually gets somewhat used to waking up in an Infirmary. While I wouldn’t say they enjoy being doted on at all, I also wouldn’t call them a terrible patient - but it just depends on who’s treating them. Being taken care of is partially a relief, but it also invokes Luca’s fear that they are a burden and their sense that they don’t deserve the care they’re getting. As for who would take care of them, I again have to give reference to the ultimate squad, the badger squad. Very likely, assuming it wasn’t Madam Pomfrey or other teachers, Luca would be cared for by Rowan, Penny, Chiara, and Tonks. Post-Year Five, throw Ben in as well. If it was their friends, whom they adore and respect, Luca would likely be a lot more comfortable. If it was the staff of Hogwarts, barring Flitwick, Luca would be very antsy and want to whole ordeal to be over with. They do not trust the majority of their teachers at all. 

Flipping the situation in reverse, we see Luca at their strongest. They were born to be a caretaker, of any sort. To tend to magical creatures, to teach younger, less experiences students..and yes, to heal the sick and the wounded. Granted, Luca doesn’t entirely have the skill-set for Healing, since they’re abysmal at Herbology and only passable at Potions. But both of Luca’s parents were Healers, so they naturally picked up a few things. The main strength they have in looking after those in need really comes from their attitude. Luca is endlessly patient and forgiving to a fault. They might fail in a number of other situations, but this? This is where they shine. 

For Gail - 

Bringing things back around, being bed-ridden or otherwise incapacitated is going to have a strong impact on Gail, but it might depend on the context whether it brings out the best in her, or the worst. Because this girl needs a rest. There is no denying that she could really use a break, but she also occupies herself and distracts herself from her pain by keeping busy. She doesn’t really know how to not be busy. Grinding that to a halt could have unforeseen side-effects. It just depends mainly on how bad her anxiety is. The loss of control will either be a panic-button, or a source of immense relief. Though Gail will never admit is, she actually does like being doted on. She likes getting that kind of attention and being made to feel loved. Suffice it to say, her primary mentors and care-givers never gave her that love. So she craves it without even understanding that she craves it. Meanwhile, Gail has a squad of her own - mainly Rowan, Badeea, Talbott, Barnaby, and on occasion, Ben. If even one of them found her in a less than ideal state, they would not rest until she was well again. However, unlike Luca, Gail has a lot of respect for the staff, and a particular bond with McGonagall. She highly respects Dumbledore, and authority figures in general. So she would feel safe no matter who was in charge of her care.

Gail as a Healer or someone in charge of another person’s care…is again, a situation that would depend highly on the context. Gail is driven and tries to keep things professional, but she deals with emotional context just like anyone else. She has the skill-set that Luca does not. She got Outstandings on all the O.W.L.s that Healers want, and she earned those marks. But what she’s lacking is that inherent sense of kindness and mercy. How careful Gail would be as a caretaker would depend on how much she cared about her patient. If it was someone she didn’t really know, she would likely want to outsource it. If it was someone she disliked or hated…it would be a battle with her own integrity, but she might be inclined to refuse. But if it was Ben who was in trouble? Or Badeea, or Talbott? You better believe Gail would push everyone else aside and take control of the situation herself. She also values family above all else, so if it were Luca or Jacob, she would regard it as her obligation to see things through - no matter what her feelings might be.

🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?

For Luca -

(It’s like this question was made for the Fawleys.) Luca has, and has always had, severe issues with sleeping. Such problems were exacerbated by a near-death experience with a Lethifold when they were young. It gave them claustophobia, insomnia, and an irrational fear of cloth. They would have night terrors, nightmares, and sleep paralysis. The only thing that pacified these issues was putting an end to sleeping alone. As far back as first year, Luca and their Hufflepuff squad devised a sleeping cycle, where they would partner up to share beds in the night. Had to keep it low-key, since most people wouldn’t get that it was platonic, but it worked wonders. I don’t know if I would say Luca is an extravert, as they definitely don’t seem like the type - but with the right people, they can emotionally heal and deal with things much easier. They’re able to figure things out with their friends, particularly Rowan. I don’t know that I would say they have any comfort items, but they do have “Beatrice Jr” the stuffed puffskein that Beatrice made for them. And they also have a furry, purring companion who is always guarding them. Talking to their loves ones to figure everything out is Luca’s go-to after a mental breakdown or a nightmare. But if they find themselves alone…they’ll either write an unsent letter to someone in their family, or go for a walk. Usually winding up in the Creature Reserve. 

For Gail - 

As I alluded to, she has the unfortunate habit of putting everything in boxes. To keep herself grounded, Gail will frantically try to normalize everything. Come up with an explanation for her issues, even if the explanation is unsound…or she’ll label the issue as a physical problem that needs to be dealt with, and take immediate steps to make that happen. Gail is a low-key control freak with a pathological need to have all of her struggles, well, under control. She manages, because she can’t not manage or admit to herself that she’s drowning. As a result, she rarely asks for help, except from the very small list of people she’s willing to cry in front of. Which consists of family, Ben, and maybe someone like Badeea. Though Gail chooses to isolate herself in dealing with anxiety, it isn’t helping and she knows it. She just can’t admit to herself that she’s desperate for someone to ask if she’s okay, or hug her just a bit longer than needed…because she knows that she’ll burst into tears if someone does. To that end, I think the best thing for Gail would be just that. For her to be reassured by those she trusts, and to be shown that it’s not the end of the world if she lets someone else in. Fun fact, she actually does have a comfort object. Wearing the key to her school trunk around her neck at all times, to prevent anyone from breaking into it - which has happened before. Waking up from a nightmare and grabbing onto the key until it digs into her skin and draws blood…again, it grounds Gail. Helps her slowly come down from an anxiety attack.

💫What is your favourite fact about this character and why?

Gonna discuss them both at once for this one. Frankly, I think my favorite thing about the Fawley twins is that I ended up writing them as twins. In many ways, they feel like two sides of the same coin to me. This is because, while I have several AUs stewing in my head, I keep finding myself reluctant to actually write one where Luca and Gail were raised together. In almost every idea I have, they grew up separately, and didn’t meet until young adulthood. It almost feels like an instrumental, fundamental part of their dynamic.That they yearn for the companionship and connection of having a twin sibling…but they don’t really get that. After all, a twin is a free best friend, right? Well, no. Gail and Luca are similar in some ways, but different in the ways that really matter. They have different values, different habits, different ways of approaching life. They get on each other’s nerves. But ultimately, they do get along. It just depends on the timeline. But I also think it’s telling that Luca adores Jacob and Gail…does care about him, but only because he’s family. She pretty much can’t stand him. Likewise, she can’t stand Tulip, who Luca has always had a soft spot for. She’s much more lawful and has faith in specific values. She’s a pragmatist. Luca keeps things open, and judges things on a case by case basis. Gives peopel the benefit of the doubt. They’re an idealist. 

Luca and Gail aren’t polar opposites, but they’re not Fred and George either. 

Oh boy. That was a lot of fun. Thank you so much!!

[pxiao]

Reasons I’m glad V///R is dead and gone forever

So V//R is dead and cancelled and my only reaction is FINALLY. Since VR is gone and we can finish forgetting the forgettable show and get rid of all our salt. You’re free to add to the post but there are rules. 

1. DO NOT TAG IT SO THE FANS CAN SEE. As much as I hate the show and the fandom even they don’t deserve to see people bashing the show in their tag. 

2. Don’t write the name of the show or the characters. Use /// or ---- in the character’s name like Yu///saku so the tumblr search can’t pull them up

ok good? Good. 

Everyone but Yu///saku is worthless. 

Seriously when have any of the characters actually progressed the story? Potentially only SB have done anything truly worthwhile. Everyone else was just to die to build tension for Yu//saku. And if you’re asking for RE///volver. OHHH I have a section just for him, don’t you worry.

Sto//rm Acc/ess aka Yu//saku is such a shitty duelist that the MINORITY of his duels has him not cheating. 

SERIOUSLY it’s written that Yu//saku can get a random extra deck monster with his skill BUT the issue is despite it being “random” Yu//saku ALWAYS gets the monster he needs to win. NOT ONCE IN THE 100+ EPISODE HAS HE GOTTEN A USELESS CARD. ALWAYS THE ONE HE NEEDS. Totally doesn’t seem like plot armor. And you know it wouldn’t be as big of an issue IF HE DIDN’T USE IT FOR EVERY SPE///ED DUEL!!!!!!!! For a character that the show likes to say is “invincible” he sure isn’t good enough to win with the deck he built. It got ridiculous with his duel with G/oo in season 2 where G//o countered his skill BUT A//i revealed it had a secondary effect that let him draw a card AND still get a new extra deck monster. 

Plot twists: 

They fall into two camps, “we already knew you dumbasses” or “THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS SMOKING!” Essentially the twists are obvious like A///i was based off of Yu//saku’s data as why wouldn’t he be. Or the dumb ones like Spec///tre beating A///oi or somehow Spec//tre had CONSCIOUS TREE AS A MOTHER. There have been a few twists that I can count that surprised me but they lead to other twists that fall back into stupid.  

the “Plot” just plain doesn’t exist.

 It’s just things happening with some connecting plot lines BUT they rarely lead into each other. Light///ning revealed that his plan was happening THE EXACT SAME TIME as season 1′s finale. A//i being the villain is more due to Light//ning’s simulation somehow proving that A///i will destroy humanity than the fact that A/i’s the only Ig//nis left. And each season’s arc has no connecting plot either. Season 1 can be broken down to Yu//saku gets A//i which has him meet the “main cast” and then Yu///saku go to S//OL for info that was TOTALLY pointless. Which is isolated from Re//volver setting a virus that traps you on the internet which leads to Re//volver learning Yusa//ku’s face AND MEETING HIM but does jack shit with that info. And then Re///volver’s final plan happens that was based on timing than anything else. 

Does that seem disjointed? YEP because there is no narrative at all, things are just happening. There is a vague connection at best but none of the characters’ actions actually affect how the story goes. THE FRUSTRATING PART IS THEY SET UP MOMENTS WHERE THEY COULD HAVE BUT THEY DIDN’T. SEASON 2 AND 3 IS THE SAME THINGS JUST HAPPEN AND THEN YU//SAKU HAS TO SAVE THE FUCKING DAY. V/R has no rhyme or reason why things happen, they just do and let me tell you, that’s fucking boring.

The Yu//saku praise

 My fucking god. Look the protagonist getting praised isn’t new, it happens with each series BUT the issue is the volume that Yu//saku gets and how early he gets it. Most protagonists have to wait till at least the second series before the population love them. Yu///saku got it by the THIRD EPISODE. BY. BEAT. A. MOOK. He was called a hero, people were saying he was hot, people were copying his avatar. AND IT NEVER STOPPED. EVERY OTHER EPISODE HAS SOMEONE SAY HE’S AMAZING, STRONG AND SOOO IMPORTANT. 

An A//oi episode in season 1 has a less than five minute section just to show that a kid HERO WORSHIPS YU//SAKU AND WAS IT. The kid appears with an avatar based on PM, PM saves him and tells the kid to trust him to save and then the kid logs out. AND THIS HAPPENS CONSTANTLY. “YU//SAKU IS INVINCIBLE”, “YU//SAKU IS MY HERO!”, “EVERYONE DEPENDS ON YOU YU//SAKU”. IT’S BEEN AN ENTIRE SHOW OF PEOPLE SINGING YU///SAKU’S PRAISES AND THE WORST PART OF IT IS, HE DESERVES NONE OF IT.

The setting. 

Let me ask ... THE FUCK IS IT. What even is Link Vr//ains? Is it a game, a site, a program? WHY IS IT ONLY IN DE///N CITY? WHY IS DESTROYING IT WILL LEAD TO THE ENTIRE INTERNET CRASHING???????? Link Vr///ains is something that NEEDS to be explained but the show NEVER DOES. HELL IT NEVER EVEN TRIES. 

The girls

Jesus christ ... the girls are .... just sad. A///oi ... my fucking god A//oi. A///oi’s personality starts and ends with “onii-sama”. NEARLY EVERY MOTIVE OF HER’S IS I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR MY STEPBROTHER. Everything else is a passing fancy. Mi///yu? Yeah nice motivation but that’s why her two duels as BM in season 2 is more about her relationship with Ak//ira than her “friend”. 

Em//ma’s backstory was absorbed into BS’ despite the fact he was a new addition when Em//ma was around since season 1. 

Vir//ya is just a bit character meant to fill out the remain KOH, since their return in season 2, she haven’t done anything of value. 

Qu///een ... why is she there? I mean she appeared in a Bikini ... in virtual reality. seriously there is no point in that shit, and then did nothing besides watch over Ear//th’s death and then lost to A//i when her skill was named honey trap. 

Mi////yu is so unimportant we haven’t gotten a scene of her out of flashback despite being a lost chi//ld.   

Back to A//oi, it’s not even that A//oi isn’t important,sadly that’s not uncommon in YGO, it’s the fact EACH TIME SHE TRIES TO DO SOMETHING, THE SHOW PUNISHES HER FOR IT. She tries to be a symbol for people, it’s stupid why she trying but still, Spec///tre reveals he was toying with her the entire time and she had no chance. She tries to get stronger in season 2, SB beats cause she doesn’t have an Ig//nis and then she does nothing for half the season. She tries to save her “childhood friend”, Bow//man beats her and takes her consciousness so Yu//saku has to save her ... again. She tries to protected Ak//ira, A//i beats them and only takes A//oi to taunt her over her failure. THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SHOW, ANYTIME A//OI TRIES TO DO ANYTHING, THE SHOW BEAT HER UP AS IF TO SAY, YOU SHOULDN’T DO ANYTHING EVER. Great message there. 

Simulations

You know as people there are plenty of reasons that conflict starts, greed, hate, anger, lust, desperation to survive, hunger. And how does conflict start in V/r? FUCKING SIMULATIONS. EVERY SINGLE CONFLICT IN THIS SHOW IS BECAUSE OF A SIMULATION. K//OH are a thing cause Kog///ami did a simulation that showed that the Ig//nis are learning TOO FAST AND WILL CAUSE THE END OF HUMANITY. Ligh///tning turned evil because he learned no matter what he can NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH HUMANITY CAUSE OF A SIMULATION. A///i turning “evil” because he’s doom to end the world cause of you guessed it a SIMULATION. Simulations are just tools and are NEVER THE FINAL RESULT. There are too many variables to truly make an 100% accurate simulation BUT HERE THEY ACT AS IF SIMULATIONS ARE A FUCKING GOSPEL. IT’S STUPID AND INCREDIBLY LAZY THAT THE CAUSE OF ALL the conflict in this show is because of independent simulations.  

Mental illness

As a person with a mental illness and went to therapy I can say this, VR doesn’t deserve any brown points for covering mental illness. If anything VR touching mentally illness takes points away. I have already said my piece on how poorly VR tackles mental illness. But my take away is this when it comes to mental illness VR is a absolutely horrible.

Rev///ovler

Re//voler is in all honestly a shitty character despite what his fans think. He’s an asshole that has no drive of his own. He admit he does this all BECAUSE OF HIS DAD. The one time he did do something of his own accord, turn his dad in, he later regretted so much that he refuses to do it again. LOOK I can understand missing your father despite the fact he’s trash, human relationships are complex BUT RE///VOLVER BEING “FATHER I WILL NEVER EVER GO AGAINST YOU AGAIN DESPITE THE FACT YOU KIDNAPPED KIDS AND THEN TORTURED THEM BECAUSE YOU FELT SAD HUMAN WILL EVENTUALLY GO EXTINCT ONLY TO TURN ON YOUR CREATIONS” IS FUCKING STUPID. And then he goes the EXTRA MILE OF ASS and says to Yu//saku’s face that he REGRETS SAVING HIS LIFE TWICE. And he never apologized either. 

Also his “development” is forced as shit, Revo//lver never develops onscreen or shows signs of changing, just the show and characters say OH YES RE//VOLVER CHANGED.... IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.  Honestly after his return in season 2 where he showed he DIDN’T CHANGE, then he tries to help Hom//ura despite telling Yu//saku he regrets saving him. WHY THE CHANGE. HE HAS SEEN NOTHING THAT MADE HE FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THE LOST KI//DS. BUT HE’S ALL OF A SUDDEN KIND TO HO///MURA. AND THEN AFTER HE LOSES TO LIGH//TNING AND SAY’S A/I NAME, ONLY TO SNAP BACK IN SEASON 3 AND WANTS TO KILL A///I. What I’m saying is, he has no real character development, you can tell what the show WANTED him to become but my god they were too lazy to actually show him changing. 

Yu//saku

OH BOY this is going to be long. Yu//saku is by far the WORST WRITTEN PROTAGONIST IN YGO HISTORY.  He has no personality and no real background besides HE WAS TORTURED, POOR HIM!!!!! Seriously what was his life like before the Lo//st Incident. What did he like to do, did he have friends, where the fuck are his parents. There is no information about him, past or present. Like his current “personality”, WHAT IS IT besides he’s stoic/emotionless. He’s not nice or even mean anymore. He has no likes or even dislikes. All we know is he’s determined ... and that’s it. Yu//saku is a blank slate for the viewers to project on. Yu//saku is honestly NOTHING. 

Honestly, Yu///saku isn’t strong as he cheats the MAJORITY of his duels, he isn’t smart as rarely does he do anything that’s smart, wanting to brutal force the solution and he doesn’t follow his own advice. 

Yu//saku: Bonds are important and the only thing that are absolutes

Yu//saku then fucks off for 3 MONTHS NOT TELLING ANYONE

And like Re//volver, his “development” is forced as hell. He just says things that make no sense for him to say. Yu//saku shouldn’t say revenge doesn’t help WHEN IT OBVIOUSLY DID. The show was supporting him and he got the guy that kidnapped him killed and then he got better. HELL JI//N WAS SAID TO GET BETTER ONCE THE K//OH WERE BEAT.   

[crystalelemental]

I’m the anon from before about disliking Dimitri and Marianne’s Supports. You can watch their Supports here. I definitely want to elaborate on what I was talking about earlier, and why I didn’t like how their Supports portrayed. And just so I don’t forget to mention this, this isn’t me hating on Dimitri, or anything like that. He’s actually one of my favorite characters, but I do have a huge issue with whoever wrote that scenario for his Supports with Marianne because they clearly don’t seem to understand either his or Marianne’s character. Dimitri/Marianne’s Supports are very sweet and touching, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was so forced and, quite frankly, insulting to both of their characters for trying to have them bond over their traumas, which are nothing alike.

In a similar sense that Bernadetta and Marianne have some similarities (they’re both self-deprecating, have trouble interacting with others, and have very terrible childhoods, though practically everyone does in FE3H), the things they both went through are nothing like and they are both suffering from different mental illnesses. Same goes for Bernadetta and Ingrid’s Supports, which suffers from the same of forcing a comparison that did not click between two characters (Ingrid stayed locked in her room out of grief when Glenn died, and somehow, this translates to Ingrid understanding where Bernadetta is coming from, who hides in her room out of fear of being abused by others and her anxiety), but that’s a separate post altogether and I digress.

In my opinion, Dimitri/Marianne’s Supports, which has them bond over survivor’s guilt, fall flat for the following reasons.

The trauma Dimitri and Marianne went through were completely different.

Dimitri legitimately suffers from this in the main story, and we see this throughout AM alongside his PTSD. His trauma stems from the Tragedy of Duscur, which happened only four years ago at the start of the series. Up to that point, he led a happy life, with his father, stepmother, and being surrounded by his friends.

Marianne suffers from depression, and NOT ONCE ANYWHERE IN THE GAME WAS HER “SURVIVOR’S GUILT” BROUGHT UP. Marianne was despised and her family persecuted because of her lineage and Crest. She was discriminated against because of who her ancestor was since the day she was born and never really had friends. Not only that, she was stalked and harassed by some Crest scholar for years and was bullied during her time in the Academy because of her bloodline. That is where her depression stems from. Not survivor’s guilt, because never once was it stated or shown that Marianne has it. 

The scenario where Marianne feels guilt of not dying alongside some soldiers came COMPLETELY MADE UP just for Dimitri/Marianne’s Supports. We don’t know the full details of her upbringing, and in regards to her parents’ disappearance, and it’s still unknown what exactly what happened to them. 

While these characters went both through hardships, as does everyone else in the game, the scenario writers for the Supports completely failed for trying to force a comparison between Dimitri and Marianne because of how differently their pasts were. And that causes the Supports to suffer from the lack of reliability when one realizes how forced the Supports were. 

Dimitri is not the “same” as Marianne because he has never spent his whole life being hated for being born into a ill-reputed lineage and etc. The same way Marianne isn’t the “same” as Dimitri because she has never suffered from survivor’s guilt or PTSD. The same way that Bernadetta and Marianne aren’t the “same”, despite what others try to force upon them. To say that Dimitri and Marianne are the “same” is an insult to both of their respective traumatic pasts and undermines their own individual experiences. Every single character goes through a lot of trauma in the game, but majority of them went vastly different traumas and trying to force a comparison when there is none is disrespectful. 

The most disappointing thing upon closely analyzing both Dimitri’s character arc and Marianne’s character arc is that they do have similarities, and the writers could have done better with their Supports if they bother to understand the characters. For example, both Dimitri and Marianne are suicidal. That is something shown canonly both in the main storyline and other Supports, and would have worked a lot better than what was did for their Supports.

As a side note, Marianne being compared to another character in her Supports are with Dimitri and Claude. For her Supports with Marianne, that, at least, didn’t same forced to me and thought was done pretty well since Claude revealed he was also hated since he was born because of who his mother was, thus both Claude and Marianne were discriminated just because of their bloodline. I’d like to hear your two cents on this.  

 I don’t really have anything to add to this?  It’s something I never fully considered before at all.

It’s definitely true that they’re not exactly similar, but reading over the supports, I feel like what they’re aiming for is more of a sense that both of them feel regret over surviving due to a feeling of not being worthy of surviving, rather than just a sense of survivor’s guilt.  In Marianne’s case, because she’s so depressed, the sense that she continues to live while others who may actually have such strong attachment to life didn’t, may be seen as something to lament.  More in the sense of, she doesn’t have survivor’s guilt from a historical situation, but from the current one.  Being here now, feeling depressed and suicidal, and surviving while others die, is causing that sense of guilt.  Maybe not in the same way that Dimitri is suicidal because of his survivor’s guilt from the Tragedy of Duscur, but the end result is similar: they feel guilt for surviving, because they don’t have the sense of self-worth to believe they should.

They may have been able to frame it better, but the sense I get is that it’s someone who has that historical stance of feeling this way, recognizing something like it in another and commiserating.  If anything, what bothers me most is that we’re post-timeskip and Marianne is still talking about how she shouldn’t be alive still, and it’s like...isn’t your arc about growing past that?  I dunno.  It kinda makes me think they’re commiserating together a little too much at that point.

[blackbirdpaw]

We all know that there isn't that much representation in Warriors. There are few lgbt+ cats, none have been explicitly written, the disability representation is selective and poor, and there is very little mental illness representation. So the characters who are neurodivergent/lgbt+/disabled need to be celebrated! But unfortunately, this isn't the case with this fandom. I'm specifically talking about mentally ill cats because there's a frightening theme in this fandom. That's right, folks. I'm calling bullshit.

There are three mentally ill cats I'm going to talk about. There are many characters who can be headcanoned with a mental illness but these three characters, in particular, are criticised or celebrated for their mentally ill symptoms. Let's talk about Alderheart. Alderheart hasn't been confirmed to have generalised anxiety or any kind of anxiety disorder but he clearly suffers from high levels of anxiety and him having G.A.D is generally accepted throughout the fandom. People love this guy! People love the fact that he's anxious. They can relate, and it "makes him cute." It's endearing! But two other characters have not been met with that same reception.

Palebird is the only character confirmed to have a mental illness. Kate Cary stated on her blog that Palebird suffered from postnatal depression which was furthered by her grief for Finchkit's death. This is clearly shown in canon. Though it wasn't in focus, Palebird seemed tired and sad all the time. Tallkit had to be careful not to exhaust her or upset her. It showed her healing over time with the help of Woollytail and her new kits and finally being happy. Now, I'd think this could be something relatable for readers. Depression is incredibly common, and while readers wouldn't have Postnatal Depression and most likely have Major Depression or Persistent Depressive Disorder, they are both depressive disorders and therefore share a lot of the same symptoms. I also thought readers would be happy that there's actually some canon mental illness representation - but I was very wrong. Readers disliked Palebird because she was emotionally distant to Tallkit, a symptom of her disorder, calling her a horrible parent and even abusive. She gets more hate than Sandgorse, which I find absolutely absurd. I completely and utterly disagree with all this hate.

The last character I want to mention is Bluestar. Bluestar is the most blatant mentally ill cat in this series. She undergoes a significant change in personality and behaviour. Vicky Holmes stated on Facebook that Bluestar had dementia, which I disagree with one hundred percent. Bluestar had some of the symptoms, yes, but those symptoms fit the diagnosis criteria of ptsd much better. I could give you a full analysis, I've done it before. Because I'm a nerd. But it really comes down to a few things. Bluestar's actual memory was fine. Dementia affects memory. Graypool showed a much better representation of dementia and she had pretty much one scene! She had wandered away from her Clan and was extremely confused and seemed lost in the past. Bluestar, on the other hand, was paranoid. That paranoia distorted her perception. That paranoia stemmed from a trauma she went through - Tigerclaw's treachery and attempted murder of herself. Dementia has links with trauma but nothing concrete has been discovered yet. But enough about that. Bluestar has ptsd and clearly displays ptsd symptoms. It's obvious she's suffering greatly. But does Bluestar get given with sympathy? No. Fucking Scourge gets more kindness then she does. The fandom hated this change in Bluestar. "I loved Bluestar until she went crazy," "Bluestar got so annoying omg." "Bluestar was selfish" "Bluestar was such a drama queen!" This change in character elicited no positive response but rather an outcry of hate.

Yeah, but what's the problem here? They're different characters and they act differently. Two of them hurt others and their actions are harmful, irrational, and, well, bad. The other doesn't. Bluestar and Palebird portray ugly symptoms! Alderheart doesn't, he's cute, he's a little softboi.

Here's the thing though: mental illness is ugly. It isn't pretty, it isn't cute, and it sure as hell isn't uwu softboi. It isn't "my poor smol bean." Praising one character for their mental illness while condemning others is hypocritical. You are not being an advocate for preaching about how Alderheart is a great character because of his anxiety whole simultaneously shitting on Bluestar and Palebird for exhibiting negative symptoms. In doing so you are actively harming mentally ill people by supporting only a romanticised narrative of mental illness. By only accepting the mental illnesses that you deem "socially acceptable," you are being horribly ableist. Hey, it's like in real life, when people preach about how they support people with depression and anxiety but turn around and call people with borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia abusive demons. Mental illness isn't fucking cute. It isn't a good thing. It should be portrayed as a negative thing because that's what it is, generalised anxiety included. Mental illnesses are ugly. They're hurting other people with paranoid accusations. They're being so disconnected from others that you're being neglectful to their needs. They're being irrational. They're frightening.

I'm not saying we should praise mentally ill behaviours. But we should have sympathy for characters like Bluestar and Palebird. We should say, "hey, this behaviour isn't right and it's hurting others! But I understand it's rooted in mental illness and while that doesn't excuse the behaviour, I recognise it's a symptom of a mental health issue and I hope this character recovers and gets help. I'm really happy the authors gave us mental illness representation because that's important!" I'm also not saying that we shouldn't have likable mentally ill characters. Positive representation is a good thing! There are plenty of mentally ill people who exhibit symptoms and are still good people. All I'm saying is that we shouldn't treat mental illness in characters like a desirable thing to have or an adorable personality trait. You cannot say "I like this character because they give us mental illness rep," and then say: "not this one because they're a meanie." Mental illnesses can be scary. We shouldn't pretend they're not. We can't demand something and then reject it because it doesn't fit our idealised version of that said thing. that we should be happy with what representation we get and acknowledge this!

There is a difference between a negative portrayal and an actively dangerous and stigmatizing portrayal. A negative portrayal of mental illness, in this case, would be a character who hurts others because of their mental illness but is still shown to be human, have likable traits, and is an accurate portrayal, like Palebird. A stigmatizing and inaccurate portrayal is what we should be condemning, like the awful attempt at portraying Dissociative Identity Disorder in the movie Split.

At the end of the day, I just think it's so hypocritical the way the fandom treats the mentally ill characters written into the books. All of them deserve acknowledgement and all of them should be received with sympathy, especially because all of them recover, which shows that while they were negative portrayals of mental illness and were hurtful to others, they were capable of getting better and righting their wrongs, which is such an important message and so accurate to those suffering from mental health issues. Bluestar's recovery was... inaccurate but at least it happened. Palebird's was pretty well executed! Romanticising mental illness isn't at all okay and you're not a mental health advocate by doing so. You're not helping the community, you're harming it. You don't have to like Bluestar and Palebird. But give those lovely ladies the props they deserve!

(I'd also like to mention that Alderheart being a romanticisation of G.A.D is not a fault of the authors as they didn't write him to have clinical anxiety! It was just a widespread headcanon that proved my point. Another point to note is that this isn't about younger fandom members who can't grasp the complexity of Bluestar's character and instead just sees her as a drama queen or annoying. This is about readers who can identify mental illness in characters and praise Alderheart while not treating Bluestar and Palebird equally.)

[aparticularbandit]

Hey, have you seen the latest JtV episode yet? Wondered what you thought of certain developments.

so.  i apologize ahead of time because this will probably get long.  i plan to start with the non-rose and/or luisa scenes and then give a general idea of what i want to do with that discussion before throwing most of that one beneath the cut.  i especially apologize to those of you on mobile because i know that it doesn’t always do the read more stuff correctly and i’m so sorry.also know that i. really don’t want to write this right now, but i want to get my thoughts out because maybe then i’ll stop ruminating over it (hah!).so, first of all, i’ve seen the scenes relevant to this discussion.  which means i haven’t paid attention to the entire episode but i have seen rose’s scenes and luisa’s scenes (sort of) and then the scene in regards to mateo being diagnosed with adhd.  i very rarely see the shows live, although i saw some of last week’s live, and typically scroll through spoilers to see if anything that interests me (rose or lusia) is in the episode.  if not, i typically just don’t see it because, to be honest, i don’t care.  spoilers give me enough information and while there may be scenes or moments that i’d probably like that i missed, i didn’t want to deal with love triangle fun with michael or most stuff with raf at this point because spoilers tell me the writing is very, very poor.which means that yes i knew about the adhd diagnosis and what i suspect is the real point of the question here - rose let luisa drink?! what?! - before seeing the episode.  and definitely spent a good chunk of time ranting about the latter in the jtv discord spoilers tag before seeing the episode.  and even knowing it was coming, it still depressed me.  but that’s reactions, not thoughts, which. i have a lot.  from different angles.i do want to address mateo being diagnosed with adhd.  i’m not okay with this happening.  while i do think it’s important for characters to be diagnosed with mental illness in media and i do think that it’s important to delve into those diagnoses, i don’t think jtv will do a good job with this because they haven’t done a good job with this previously.  raf’s depression (again, didn’t see that scene, so going off of spoilers here) was mentioned once and then apparently hasn’t been brought up again (with the exception of potentially being implied with how much of a help luisa has been while he dealt with his break-up with jane and let’s be real here luisa knows more about mental illness at this point than most of the other characters except maybe petra and even then).  petra’s postpartum depression was mentioned i think once and then wasn’t brougt up again.  petra’s anxiety? i think it was? was mentioned in season one in relation to her taking pills and this was diagnosed while raf had cancer and…hasn’t been brought up again.  in fact, the biggest proponent we have outside of this with how jtv deals with mental illness is luisa alver, and her mental illness is consistently used as a joke or a way to make her unreliable.now, yes, adhd is a learning disability and you can debate whether or not that constitutes a mental illness or not.  i apologize if my lumping it in under the mental illness umbrella is a problem.  this is not an illness that i myself have (as far as i know), so please understand that i mean no offense.  my concern is that jtv does not deal with these sorts of things well.  it uses them to drum up drama and then sweeps them under the rug as if they’re a passing thing that is suddenly better or not important until, like in luisa’s case, they want to use it as a plot point or a joke again.  and the thing is that they already in the episode used mateo’s adhd to make a visual joke on what it was like to have adhd.  this is not okay.further, their focus isn’t on the character who has the disability.  they’re using the disability to drum up drama for the character’s parents.  again, this is not okay.  it is good to let the characters have that reaction to what the child is going through, but it may - or i’m concerned that it’ll turn into one of those moments where it focuses only on the pain of the parents and how they live with a child with this issue and not on the character who. actually has the issue.  as someone with mental illnesses, this does not sit well with me.and they did this with nine episodes left.  even if they were going to deal with this well, it’s hard to do so within nine episodes, especially considering the other threads they have going.  at this point, i don’t trust the writers and i’m not okay with this happening.  i dislike this development.now with regards to the rose and luisa scenes, in particular the scene they shared together and the developments from this–really there are two ways to take this as far as rose’s character interpretation (rose as a sociopath who truly loves luisa and for whom this development has an aspect that feels really out of character from what we have seen of her OR rose as a sociopath psychopath who did some has been setting up a lot of pins for a payoff that we…can guess would end with luisa finally officially choosing her? this one is a little more shaky) and two ways to take this as far as how this will work out in the show with regards to luisa (is she actually siding with rose or is she using this to fake her out and finally prove herself to raf once and for all).so.  this is a long discussion.  UNDER THE CUT.

so let’s start with the important thing: luisa signing papers while she was apparently black out drunk on rose’s submarine.the first thing i want to comment on in relation to this is that rose giving all of her bank accounts to luisa can have a lot of different implications.  the first one, and the nicest in my opinion, is that consolidating bank accounts is something married people do.  or they open a joint account.  something like that.  so, symbolically, you can have the implication of rose and luisa being married.  woo-hoo!  the second one is, again, the potential risk that rose is taking here.  just like with her kill sheet, rose is basically giving luisa the keys to the kingdom where she is concerned, and for someone who (in my interpretation) has been under elena’s thumb and control for the majority of her life to just give herself over to luisa’s control says a lot about what luisa means to rose.  the third implication will be addressed later.the second thing i want to comment on is, of course, the idea that luisa was black out drunk on rose’s submarine.  now, when i initially was going through the spoiler tag, someone suggested that this might have happened when luisa was drugged on the submarine, which would imply that this happened during the period of time when rose took her to the sub.  (i tend to not think that rose drugged luisa at that time; i actually think that luisa fainted shortly after rose revealed that she was susanna.  but that might just be me.)  however, based on the specific lines of the scene, this cannot be the case.  in fact, it has to have happened after luisa initially left the sub.  we know from s3 that during the time luisa was initially on the sub they were circling the great barrier reef (coral reef?  they were circling a reef), not taking random vacations to other locations like madagascar.  not only that, but rose says it happened while luisa was insecure about their relationship, and they were not in a relationship during the scenes we saw on the submarine.  so this had to have happened sometime after that - maybe before we met eileen or maybe during the three year time-skip sometime at the beginning of all that.  i’d guess before we met eileen, but that’s just me.  further, i did look at screencaps from the scene where they ate breakfast on the sub because the back of my brain keeps trying to tell me that one of the men was carrying champagne, but while there were tea and orange juice cups (they did each have two cups, a white tea cup and saucer and a glass with a tropical leaf pattern - rose’s had orange juice so i assume that’s what it was for), in the caps i saw, there was no champagne bottle.  but they weren’t all comprehensive screencaps so might’ve missed a thing.now, here’s where things are up to interpretation and it all depends on rose’s character.if we take rose as we have seen her throughout the series - not what people have said but what we have seen with regards to luisa - the idea that rose let luisa drink at all on the sub or while they were together feels completely out of character.rose consistently when no one else but luisa would likely know has made sure that luisa is not drinking.  even from their first meeting, when luisa reveals that she’s been sober for thirty-four days, rose accepts that and doesn’t press and continues on as if it doesn’t matter (because it doesn’t).  rose is the one who checks in on luisa after allison cheats on her to make sure that she isn’t drinking; rose is the one who brings up with raf that hey, maybe you should be concerned about your sister disappearing and when raf suggest (without any real concern at all) that luisa is probably on a bender calls luisa and tells her that she’s worried she’s drinking; rose is the one who, when luisa calls her (as susanna), chooses to stay with her and not judge her for taking rose’s death hard and actually accepts that this is hard for her; rose is the one who (as susanna) tells luisa to go back to rehab because she shouldn’t be drinking.  this isn’t even getting into the time where rose just happened to call when luisa was going to try and drink in the hotel after emilio died.  rose has a sixth sense when it comes to luisa.  it is hard for me to see rose letting luisa drink on her sub in any capacity to the point that it is easier for me to think that rose forbade any alcohol on the sub at all.  i could maybe hazard that one of the workers on the sub brought a drink back with them, and since the lettering in the sub appeared to be russian, hey, probably vodka, and we know from s2 that vodka is luisa’s drink of choice, but that’s a stretch for me.even more to the point - and this is a little off-topic in terms of talking about rose’s character - but the times we have seen luisa drawn to drinking were when her life was at rock bottom.  the first time we see this is when 1) she’s losing her job; 2) her brother has cut her off; 3) her wife cheated on her (and they got divorced off-screen??); and 4) she almost got caught sleeping with her stepmother by her father.  the second time we see this is when 1) her father died; 2) her stepmother/lover turned out to be a crime lord; 3) her father died because said stepmother killed him; 4) her brother thought her shares were more important than letting her mourn and only pretended to care about her because he needed to talk business with her and then disappeared after that yolo (and she only didn’t drink because 1) there wasn’t any alcohol in her fridge and 2) rose called her).  the third time we see this is when 1) she accidentally got the love of her life murdered by trying to turn her over to the police by using herself as bait (among her listed reasons of 1) her brother doesn’t want anything to do with her and 2) her mother and father are dead).  the fourth time we see this is when 1) luisa thinks that she is disappointing raf and failing him because 2) rose killed his mom and 3) she still wants to be with rose, albeit this last one is not something the show covers.  please note the common threads here, and also note that this last one would put her in a place to potentially be drinking on rose’s sub if she was picked up by rose instead of going to preventative rehab like she decided to do with rogelio and also assuming that she brought alcohol on the sub with her while rose was preoccupied with something off of the ship.  so, conceivably, luisa could have been in a place to drink on the sub.  maybe.  if that’s the timeline we want to go with.  but if not, luisa probably wouldn’t be at rock bottom and probably wouldn’t feel so desperate to drink.  luisa drinks when she needs to take the edge off.  when she’s with rose, rose takes the edge off.  so really i feel like this is kind of a little out of character for luisa, too.back to topic.the third thing i want to comment on is that rose has never made luisa choose between her and rafael.  she’s never needed luisa to prove that she loved her.  it’s consistently been rose proving her love to luisa because as the crime lord murderer sociopath it makes sense that rose would need to prove that she actually loved luisa (and i think i may have discussed this elsewhere - the entire point of chapter fourteen was proving that rose did love luisa, not just to her but also to the viewers - that rose’s love of luisa was not just part of the rose solano part she had been playing up to that point)  there’s been no doubt that luisa does love rose, but there’s also no doubt that luisa has consistently chosen raf over rose.but this goes back to the submarine scenes in chapter forty-seven.  the biggest conflict in luisa staying with rose is that she still loves raf.  she asks to go up to wi-fi depths to see if raf emailed her, and when there is no email, rose uses this to say look, i’m the one who is here, i’m the one who loves you.  she gives luisa the option to leave (just like she gave her the option to run away with her and respected luisa’s boundary when luisa said no; rose only took luisa with her once luisa fell in love with her again as susanna (who very clearly did not want to be around luisa or in that sort of situation with her. constantly.  luisa pursued susanna, even when susanna visibly did not want to be pursued)).  and when rose realizes that raf might have emailed luisa but they were a day off because time zones, she checks and gives luisa raf’s email.  she gives luisa an option where she can still spend time with raf and rose will just wear a mask and pretend to be someone else.  and when luisa was afraid that rafael’s cancer had returned and decided to leave and gave rose the option to stay behind, despite her certainty that rafael was working with the police, rose went with her.  rose has not, up to this point, forced luisa to choose between them.  rafael has.  so for her to do so here and now might not be completely out of character and for her to ask luisa to prove that she loves her might not be completely out of character either (because relationships require both sides together and rose might be feeling like she’s pulling a lot of weight and not getting very much in return at this point.  i mean.  she is in jail because of how much trust she has given luisa, even knowing - from her time as susanna - that luisa can’t keep her mouth shut - and i want to address this in the latter portion of this exercise) but it still feels out of character because, again, rose has never forced that choice.  rafael has.however.

if we interpret rose differently, based not on what we have seen with luisa but how maybe they want her character interpreted, then luisa drinking on the sub, as well as some other moments we really want to chalk up to rose being a useless lovesick lesbian, make more sense because as a sociopath they might be something rose would allow if she got something out of it.primarily luisa.and for this i kind of want to go in chronological order of what rose would have been doing when, which means we’ll kind of be addressing these a little bit out of order.  ish.first, rose giving luisa her kill sheet.  this is a big indication of trust.  one that does eventually come to bite rose in the ass.  and rose, because she was susanna, knows that luisa cannot keep her mouth shut when it comes to the police, so if they end up in that sort of situation, rose is screwed.  rose knows she is screwed.  rose knows she can get out of jail, so this is potentially not as big of an issue or indicator of trust as we think it is.  but for luisa, it’s an indicator of trust and an indicator that rose will do what she wants.second, rose giving luisa rafael’s letter.  we can assume from this that rose has access to luisa’s email account.  it’s possible that luisa just stayed logged in.  who knows.  for this interpretation, we’re going with the darker version of rose, so let’s assume that rose just reads luisa’s emails to make sure she’s not getting anything that would distract her away from rose.  in this case, yeah, rose gives luisa rafael’s letter because 1) there’s nothing inherently dangerous or coded in what he said, so far as she can see, and 2) it gets luisa to trust her as someone who, seeing this, would want to allow luisa to still have her relationship with raf.third, rose coming up with an idea that allows luisa to have the best of both worlds, basically.  again, an indicator that rose wants to be family and will do what she has to in regards to being with luisa.  1) rose’ll wear a mask, and 2) rose won’t kill anyone anymore.  surprisingly for this interpretation, she does stick to the second one.  but this plays into her plot anyway.fourth, rose getting luisa drunk and signing her accounts over to her.  assume that rose notices that there’s alcohol on the ship where luisa can get it or that luisa brings alcohol on the ship and rose pretends not to see it so that luisa can get drunk.  signing her bank accounts over to luisa does two things: 1) it reinforces that she trusts luisa and gets luisa to trust her and 2) it ensures that if rose gets caught luisa is part of her getting out.  no matter whether luisa wants to be part of the plot or not, she is an accomplice based on her name being on the accounts.  this makes luisa look shady to rafael and drives a better wedge between them.fifth, rose getting caught.  now, again, there’s a risk, but rose thinks she can get out of jail.  either rafael finally catching her despite luisa’s insistence that he is good will cause a final break between them or her continuing indication of doing what luisa wants and proving to her that she loves her will get luisa on her side.  even with michael - that might be about them, but it’s more about i played ball for you.  i have done everything you asked.  i have shown you nothing but love and support.  i have never asked you to choose.  now choose me.it’s a multi-year timeline set-up to make luisa trust her and her love while also simultaneously driving a wedge between luisa and raf.  and right now, it looks like it’s working.now - the problem i have with this is that it seems much more indicative of a cold-blooded psychopath than the hot-tempered sociopath that the show consistently tells us rose is, so it’s….  for me, it checks out, and it’s not too much of a stretch and i think it may be what the show wants us to pick up on but is not doing a very good job of showing.  (this would have been strengthened if one of the guys on the sub had been carrying a champagne bottle, which is why i wanted to check that - and it’s possible that’s still the case because the screencaps i checked weren’t that specific.)  but, again, it’s up to character interpretation and i do think that this is the direction that the show wants us to go in.even in this direction, we can say that rose’s continued care in regards to luisa not drinking 1) reinforces to luisa that rose cares about her (and this is compounded with rose’s sixth sense and calling just when luisa needs her - once on the bridge right before luisa jumped and once when luisa wanted to drink after emilio’s funeral) and 2) is a bit of a self-preservation habit because luisa likely talks a lot when she’s drunk and, ah, given the sensitive nature of their relationship, luisa needs to not talk about them.  in susanna’s case, the second isn’t a thing but it makes her look like a good girlfriend to anyone watching and so more solidifies susanna as a good person and not the mole.do i like this interpretation?  no.  do i think it’s what the show wants us to go for at this point?  yes.now, as far as ways this could go - there are two:1) luisa is actually working with rose.  this is the good end in the first scenario, but the bad end in the second one.  since i think the show wants us to go with the second interpretation, i think it’s more likely that2) luisa is working against rose.  this is the bad end in the first scenario, but the good end in the second one and the one that, again, i think is more likely given what we know of the show at this point.  and by what we know, i mean the instagram photos of the last day of shooting wherein yara - luisa - was at what appears to be a jafael wedding but bridget - rose - is nowhere to be seen.  and, yes, we could make assumptions that rose could be there under another mask, but i don’t think that’s the way the show is going to go.especially since jennie has already told us that a death is coming near the end of the season.  i expect luisa is working against rose, and i expect that rose will die.  that might not be what’s going on, but i think it’s the most likely scenario given what we have.

[sharpdressedbman]

A Tribute to Chester: Life, Death, Rebirth, and How He Lives on in Memory

How do you properly memorialize one of your childhood idols? Are you supposed to scream, cry, and gnash your teeth? Or do you put on noise-canceling headphones and block out the ambient noise of the outside world for a while? All of these are difficult questions to answer. I guess that’s why they’re rhetorical. It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost two years since Chester Bennington passed. So in a way, this simple little essay is how I can honor him. It feels nice to write something that isn’t fiction or related to a blog for a change[1]. Let’s see how it goes.

Part Zero: Notes from the Underground

I must confess that I was never a member of the official fan club, the LP Underground. I suppose in retrospect that’s how I could have proven I was a legit fan despite never seeing them live in concert except via live stream. But even then, that was a rare occasion. I do remember a t-shirt I got from Hot Topic when I was 12 or so – it had the faces of all of the guys gathered around the classic script font of the band’s logo.

I don’t remember what happened to it. The last time I remember wearing it was in August 2014. I supposed by then I had outgrown it. But still, buying whatever merch I could and getting all of the CDs and eagerly anticipating the next music video all had to count for something.  I knew the names of all the guys, even Mark Wakefield, who was never an official member, and Phoenix Orion (Dave Farrell?), who left before Hybrid Theory but was back in time for Reanimation – more on that later.  

But I digress. Let’s get on with the real meat of why we’re here. In terms of structure, I thought it would make the most sense to go album by album, discuss some memories I have associated with each, and attempt to unpack why they remain so important to me even as time has marched on since then. Growing up with the band, as I’m sure many of you did, you might feel a similar connection that you never fully grasped until the night of the tribute show in December 2017.

Part One: Hybrid Theory

#Forfeit the game/Before somebody else/takes you out of the frame and puts your name to shame/Cover up your face, you can’t run the race/the pace is too fast, you just won’t last. [HT Track 4: “Points of Authority”]

Although Hybrid Theory came out in October 2000, I think the first time I heard it was for another month or two after it came out. It’s still one of the most vivid memories I can still recall, the first time “Papercut” blared out of a cd player. I was sitting in the basement at my buddy Andre’s house and we were playing Perfect Dark with our mutual friend Alberto. It was honestly the perfect soundtrack for the game. Here’s what I said back then: “Dude, who is this? This is awesome!”

               “It’s Linkin Park.”

Even then I thought the name was cool, the way that they intentional misspelled Lincoln – the rule of cool and all that. Elementary school hadn’t even ended yet, but it was still part of my formative years, musically speaking. Before then, I had never discovered any music on my own – my friends had always shown me. My parents didn’t raise me to enjoy music – I hated classical and most of the “standards” went over my head. My parents were still throwing karaoke parties. My old neighbor John showed me James Brown. That’s how I latched onto my first favorite song of all time “I Feel Good”. Then came Third Eye Blind, another early love of mine. But that’s a story for another time, as is my recollections of Limp Bizkit. This tale is about LP.

I wouldn’t realize it at the time, but Hybrid Theory would continue to be one of the most important albums to be me as I left elementary school and hit middle school. The days of Perfect Dark and WCW/nWo Revenge began to fade[2] as Diablo II and Starcraft emerged. The sound of Chester’s howls and Mike’s swagger along with the rest of the bands driving instrumentals provided a backdrop like you wouldn’t believe.  “In the End” stood out in particular, although as middle school came to an end, it became clear that those reasons weren’t ones I wish to discuss here, now. Ask me again another time. It was at the end of middle school (hell, even before) that I confronted the notion of how deeply uncool I was, and probably tangled with imposter syndrome, anxiety, and depression long before I knew what any of those terms meant.

I already knew I was an introvert who was much more inclined to stay inside playing video games, reading, or writing instead of going outside to play street hockey or anything like that. That shouldn’t have meant that I was an easy target for bullying, but hey, it was the 90s and then the early 2000s, so what could you do? LP helped me cope, even if I couldn’t always express my anger in responsible ways.

I think here is a good place to stop and point something out: mental illness has been something that has been immensely important to me – it affects me and I know it damn sure affects my wife and mother in law. I went through a very dark time in my life roughly five years ago that LP also helped me pull out of – but I’ll get to explaining that more in-depth later on. Right now we’re still in the HT era; I just wanted to talk a little bit more about my motivations for writing this piece.[3]

Part Two: Reanimation

#Keep that in mind/ I designed this rhyme/ when I was obsessed with time. [RA Track 3: “Enth E Nd]

Full disclosure: when I first heard Reanimation, I thought it had its moments. But it wasn’t something I could listen to end-to-end and love every single song. Heck, even HT wasn’t like that, since some of the songs had to grow on me. The video with the robots and aliens having a war while the disembodied robot heads of the band sing the remixed version of “Points of Authority” by Jay Gordon of Orgy was definitely awesome, but I don’t know, I had mixed feelings about the album that took years for it to resolve into me think of it as one of the LP’s early era classics that would culminate with Meteora and Live in Texas.

I have a very distinct memory of popping this cd into the car’s stereo while we were out in…Houston? Taiwan? The details are blurry now because it’s been too long. Seventeen years was a long time ago, and 2002 me was simpler, less refined, and yes, much dumber and naïve. On an emotional level, “p5hng me Aw*y” stood out, and even though it wasn’t actually a true Linkin Park song, “It’s Goin’ Down” stood out from this time period too.

Part Three: Meteora

#I’ll never fight again, and this is how it ends…I don’t know what’s worth fighting, or why I have to scream, but now I have some clarity to show you what I mean… [MA Track 9: “Breaking the Habit”]

Meteora is one of those albums I more clearly associate with Diablo II and Starcraft more than any other games. Just something about the overall darkness and broodiness of the album really fit both of those games. Also, this essay project is making me want to go back in time. Not really from a nostalgia standpoint – okay yeah I guess from a nostalgia standpoint. But it was during this era that I really started to enjoy their music videos. Believe it or not, for the longest time, not all of the songs on the album were rated five stars. I used to be stingier with that rating that I am now. It took a while for some of the songs to grow on me, but “Somewhere I Belong”, “Faint”, “Easier to Run”, “Breaking the Habit”. “Nobody’s Listening”, and “Numb” were instant standouts. I’m still not sure what happened to my original copy of this album. The last I checked, I had a burned copy, but not the real deal.

Part Four: Live in Texas

#When I look into your eyes there’s nothing there to see/nothing but my own mistakes staring back at me# [LIT Track 8: P5hng Me A*wy – Live]

Man, I remember this too. It must have come out six months or so after Meteora did, and grabbing it from Kmart was one of my best days. I think it was also the first LP album to have the dreaded Parental Advisory sticker on it, and this is probably the album I blame most for me disliking the edited versions of songs. Sometimes edits can be clever, but when they’re just bleeps or certain naughty words are blanked out, then it gets annoying. Then again, I probably wasn’t a stranger to this concept thanks to early exposure to Third Eye Blind and Limp Bizkit, as I mentioned before. Was this the first time I heard “live” performances of LP? I think it was, and it probably stoked my eagerness to see them live in concert. Alas, it was never to be.

Part Five: Collision Course

#Yeah/Thank you, thank you, thank you, you’re far too kind#  [CC Track 4: “Numb / Encore”]

It’s fitting that as I pick this up on (7/21/19) it’s the day after the 2 year anniversary. I meant to have this finished by the 20th, but it just didn’t happen. Plus “Numb/Encore” was one of the first songs that started up on this go-through of the playlist. If you’re interested in listening to it, I can direct you to my Spotify profile! Numb is one of those songs that have taken on new meaning since his death, but out of all the collaborations on this mashup album, I think it’s the one that works the best sonically and thematically, especially with the juxtaposition between angst and bravado[4].

Part Six: Fort Minor & The Rising Tied

#So sick, if he’s gonna think/That the good lord would come take him/I’m shaking him, “Wake up, you son of a bitch!”#  [TRT Track 14: “Red to Black”]

It was four years between the era of Meteora and Minutes to Midnight. In between that time, there was a sea change. First there was the mashup with Jay-Z, and then this came along in November 2005. I remember being more stoked for it than probably any other music that I discovered that year – and this was when Fall Out Boy, 50 Cent, and Coheed and Cambria dawned on me, among others. For those who don’t know, Fort Minor is/was Mike’s side project. He’s since done other solo stuff under his own name but between then and now he would bust out verses from The Rising Tied and incorporate them into existing songs. I always thought that Red to Black was the most LP-sounding song on the entire album and that for the longest time I thought Chester used Jonah Matranga as an alias and it wasn’t a separate person.  

Part Seven: Minutes to Midnight

#In this farewell/There’s no blood, there’s no alibi/Cause I’ve drawn regret/From the truth of a thousand lies/So let mercy come and wash away# [M2M Track 6: “What I’ve Done”]

In the interest of time, these entries are probably going to get shorter and shorter. At this point, I just want to get the damn thing over with. “What I’ve Done”, the lead single was the one that struck me the most at first; I remember LP making a big deal about how they wanted to start a new sound after leaving their classic era behind. The music video was awesome, and I think LP was one of the best choices for the Transformers movies. I always thought that “What I’ve Done” would make a great wrestling song. Not necessarily as an entrance theme, but as a hype video for a PPV or a feud or something like that. EWR back in the day helped reinforce that belief though I can’t exactly remember what I associated it with – anyway, that’s neither here nor there. The day that I got this album was the same day the shooting at Virginia Tech happened. Finding out that the shooter was a mentally ill Asian dude spooked me. In today’s parlance, I was shook.[5] That’s something that has always stuck out even though it’s something I’ve not been fond of discussing, for obvious reasons. Still, for our purposes here, it is for once, actually relevant.

Part Eight: Dead by Sunrise and Out of Ashes

#Don’t want to lose my innocence/Don’t want the world second-guessing my heart/Won’t let your lies take a piece of my soul/Don’t want to take your medicine# [OOA Track 2: “Crawl Back In”]

The melodies that emerged on Minutes to Midnight, especially when it was Chester’s turn to take the mic, evolved. They turned into another platform for his music: the side-project Dead by Sunrise and their only album, so far as I know: Out of Ashes. I lump this album in with Welcome to the Masquerade by Thousand Foot Krutch and Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin. All three emerged during my sophomore year of college[6], which was another difficult year for me. I think that is when I had the most trouble sleeping, either by choice or for other reasons.  Out of everything LP-related, I think I have given this the least amount of attention. It’s probably time for that to change, ten years later.

Part Nine: A Thousand Suns

#Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds/I suppose we all thought that, one another# [ATA Track 2: “The Radiance”]

If Minutes to Midnight was an attempt to step out of the shadow of Hybrid Theory, then A Thousand Suns represented an aural breakaway. It was vastly different, integrating more spoken word and turning up their signature sound to 12. I can’t remember exactly if it was in 2009 or 2010 that I was meant to go see LP as they rolled into DC. Ultimately, I couldn’t go because of a lack of transport. It all ended up moot anyway because that was the show that got canceled because of Chester being sick. Trying to dig up that post on Facebook is probably beyond me now because it’s a day late. Maybe someday I’ll be able to find it again because those days were golden (at least my pathetic little eulogy for him that I wrote two years ago.)

Part Ten: Living Things

#Fly me up on a silver wing/Past the black where the sirens sing/Warm me up in a nova’s glow/And drop me down to the dream below#  [LT Track 6: “Castle of Glass”]

So if LP had been striving to break away from the sound that made them famous, it was at this point where they were “Nah bro” and went full bore back around into an ouroboros[7] of awesome. While the vast majority of A Thousand Suns[8] had to grow on me over the intervening years, Living Things grabbed me by the throat and never let go. It followed the Hybrid Theory blueprint to a T. After all this time, “Castle of Glass” still stands out as my favorite from the album, but as is often the case, it’s hard to pick favorites.

Part Eleven: Recharged

#When I was young, they told me, they said/Make your bed, you lie in that bed/A king can only reign ‘til instead/There comes that day it’s off with his head# [RC Track 1: “A Light That Never Comes”]

The less said about this, the better. It had its moments, especially “A Light That Never Comes” which showed me the potential of Steve Aoki. But the memory that stands out most clearly about the day I got this album was getting a case of Hell or High Watermelon beer. I think since I got it from Record and Tape Traders, it was the day I found the TARDIS socks for Ally and sent them to her later that week. As you probably gathered from the cluster of footnotes, this was deemed my least favorite “official” LP album, and that ranking has held up in the last six years. It does to Living Things what Reanimation did to Hybrid Theory, but for whatever reason, I can’t bring myself to enjoy it more.  

Part Twelve: The Hunting Party

#Cause you don’t know what you’ve got/it’s your battle to be fought/until it’s gone# [THP Track 7: “Until It’s Gone]

Ah, here we go. LP seems to follow patterns in the creation of their albums. Cause roughly a year after Recharged, there came The Hunting Party. After A Thousand Suns came and went, it seemed like LP was on a creative lull. But then we got LT, Recharged, and THP in three straight years. This came out in 2014, and it’s hard to believe that five years have passed already. To this day, I still think that my favorite part was all of the guest appearances on their album, especially from collaborators they hadn’t featured before then, like Daron Malakian and Tom Morello.

Part Thirteen: Welcome

#First time I did it, yeah I’ll admit it/I kinda hit it and quit it and left y’all hanging# [“Welcome”]

In all honesty, this should be a footnote for The Rising Tied. It came out 10 years later, as a way for Mike to tip a wink and a nod at all his fans that were still waiting for a full-fledged sequel. Fate had other plans, though. I can still remember helping to clean Tidewater while this song blared through my headphones.  This probably became one of my most played songs of 2015.

Part Fourteen:  One More Light

#Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do# [OML Track 9: “One More Light”]

We’re almost to the finish line. I was super excited for One More Light because it broke a drought of no new music until 2017[9]. The song One More Light became more poignant after his passing. I hope it still makes him proud.

Part Fifteen: Afterword

So where do we go from here?  Honestly, not even the remaining members of the band know. They’re not actively looking to replace Chester, and as a group, they’re still officially on hiatus. I didn’t even touch on any of the DVD or special edition releases that I’ve barely heard. I guess in a sense they’re honorable mentions, but without having listened to them, I can’t form any honest opinions or associations for them.[10]

[/mrhahn]

     [1] It seems fitting that I mention that shirt I got as a twelve-year-old because that’s when I started picking up on writing as a hobby. It was a way to release my imagination and translate what I had in mind into a story, even if those early stories were embarrassingly bad. These footnotes will serve to flesh out those asides since they’ll more than likely distract from the main narrative I’m trying to spin here.

         [2] Although Revenge remains iconic! Even to this day, I still long for an N64 and another copy.

[3] Chester struggled with MI too, even though hardly anyone knew it. It’s what ultimately got the best of him.

[4] My fascination with Genius Lyrics is really helping me to analyze and better understand the meanings of the words.

[5] It didn’t help that he bore an uncanny resemblance to me…

[6] 2009, how time flies!

[7] Not sure how to spell this dang word.

[8] I regarded it as my least favorite LP album until Recharged came out. More on that later.

[9] It wasn’t until that I built the playlist that inspired this essay that I learned that there were some other singles issued between The Hunting Party and One More Light. These tracks include “We Made It” with Busta Rhymes, which actually fell between Meteora and Minutes to Midnight; “Not Alone”, which was between A Thousand Suns and Living Things; and “Darker Than Blood” with Steve Aoki that was between The Hunting Party and One More Light.  

[10] One was called “Frat Party at the Pankake Festival” and the other one was “Road to Revolution”, I think?

[hufflly-puffs]

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Chapter 2: A Peck of Owls

Shouldn’t it be a parliament of owls? (And yes, the English language is weird)

Also, the very first thing we learn about Mundugus Fletcher is that he is unreliable. Which in some ways could be a tragic foretelling of his role in Harry’s departure from Privet Drive in book 7, where Mundugus was in part responsible for Moody’s death. Obviously the more people Dumbledore can gather around to fight on his side the better but I still wonder how Mundugus earned so much trust if you can’t rely on him.

We learn that both Mundugus and Mrs Figg were responsible that day to keep an eye on Harry whenever he leaves the house, and later he is repeatedly told not to leave the house, so I think the protection Privet Drive provides him is really just limited to the house itself. Outside he can still become a target. (That might also be why Uncle Vernon couldn’t strangle Harry, because the house protects Harry in maybe more than just one way.)

So, Mr Tibbles is one of Mrs Figg’s cat, that, as she said, she put on the case, and who informed her that Mundugus had left. But unless Mr Tibbles is an Animagus (which I doubt) how could he? It seems in general that magical pets are much more intelligent than common pets. We saw that with Crookshanks, and basically with every owl, because owls are really stupid in reality (and gave the animal trainers of the movie adaptions a hard time). So is it possible that in a world where humans can be born either with or without magic animals can as well? Not in the way like magical beasts, but common animals like cats. Or maybe not magical but with a broader sense of understanding? In what way does Mr Tibbles communicates with Mr. Figg?

I like that despite being a Squib Mrs Figg is still part of the magical community. She uses a lot of phrases that sound typical for a witch/wizard, so she probably grew up in a wizard household. She does what she can to help, to contribute something in fighting this war. And it is possible that a lot of Squibs become outsiders, isolate themselves, might even leave the Wizarding World behind. But with Mr Filch and Mrs Figg we have two examples of Squibs who found their place in the Magical world thanks to Dumbledore.

“Talk about the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery … this was exactly what Dumbledore was afraid of […]“ – So Dumbledore already suspected the Ministry might use this regulation against Harry, creating a situation where we had to use magic, knowing of course that he already had used magic before in his holidays. What was the goal here? Do discredit Harry publically? To get him expelled from Hogwarts? To get him away from Dumbledore’s influence?

“Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia exchanged looks of utter horror. If their least favourite thing in the world was magic – closely followed by neighbours who cheated more than they did on the hosepipe ban – people who heard voices were definitely in the bottom ten. They obviously thought Dudley was losing his mind.” – It is so telling that people like the Dursleys would fear that one of them might suffer from a mental illness. Because they seem like the kind of people who are unable to understand this kind of illness, who merely think in categories of “crazy” and “sane” and everyone who isn’t like them is other. Then again, despite the repeated trauma Harry has to endure we never see him getting any kind of psychological  help and therapy, so mental illnesses might be stigmatized in the Wizarding World as well.

“But Dudley seemed incapable of saying. He shuddered again and shook his large blond head, and despite the sense of numb dread that had settled on Harry since the arrival of the first owl, he felt a certain curiosity. Dementors caused a person to relive the worst moments of their life. What would spoiled, pampered, bullying Dudley have been forced to hear?” – Harry, in many ways, isn’t very likeable in book 5. He is angry, he acts selfish, he only sees his own suffering. Which is actually in great contrast to book 6, and that is why the two of them complement each other. And Harry’s selfish behaviour isn’t just towards his friends, it is towards people like Dudley as well. Yes, Dudley is a bully, and our sympathy for him is limited. But Harry’s curiosity isn’t born out of empathy or care, but because he looks down on Dudley. What in the world could Dudley see and hear, when his life had been seemingly without so much less pain than Harry’s? Harry never asks, he never tries to reach out, even after he realizes that someone like Dudley has deep settled fears.

“‘I heard – that awful boy – telling her about them – years ago,’ she said jerkily. ‘If you mean my mum and dad, why don’t you use their names?’” – That awful boy that told Lily about Azkaban and Dementors was of course not James, but Snape. It’s a shame really that Harry and Petunia never really talk, how her pain of losing her sister to this other world (in more than one way) closed her off so completely that she could never talk about it, not even with Harry who had a right to know.

“‘Back?’ whispered Aunt Petunia. She was looking at Harry as she had never looked at him before. And all of a sudden, for the very first time in his life, Harry fully appreciated that Aunt Petunia was his mother’s sister. He could not have said why this hit him so very powerfully at this moment. All he knew was that he was not the only person in the room who had an inkling of what Lord Voldemort being back might mean. Aunt Petunia had never in her life looked at him like that before. Her large, pale eyes (so unlike her sister’s) were not narrowed in dislike or anger, they were wide and fearful. The furious pretence that Aunt Petunia had maintained all Harry’s life – that there was no magic and no world other than the world she inhabited with Uncle Vernon – seemed to have fallen away.” – I love that scene. For the longest time the Dursleys were an abstract concept for Harry, in no way related to his parents, despite knowing that Petunia and Lily were sisters. But Petunia never mentions her sister, never even showed Harry a picture of her, nothing. As if she had never existed. It is understandable that Harry never saw her as his mother’s sister. But suddenly he does. Suddenly he understands that he is not the only one who lost someone that night, that Petunia’s fear, her ignorance, her hatred are a result of the terror of that night. And now she has learned that the man responsible for the murder of her sister is back.

“This Lord Voldything’s back, you say.” – You know in book 7 when they can no longer use Voldemort’s name? This is the nickname they should have used.

And here we have Uncle Vernon, who just learned the same thing as his wife, but his reaction is to throw Harry out of the house. He only sees the danger it would cause for his family and doesn’t even think for a minute about his nephew. Harry needs more protection than ever, but his uncle refuses to give him some. It shows you exactly the kind of man Vernon Dursley is.

And then there is of course the Howler Petunia gets, as we later learn from Dumbledore, referring to his last letter (the one he wrote when he left Harry at the Dursleys). We learn later the reason why Harry has to return to his family every year: as long as he can call this place his home it will protect him. And I don’t think Petunia ever told Vernon about it. She finds excuses now why Harry has to stay and she found probably excuses back then to explain to her husband why they had to keep her nephew. Because Vernon made it clear that he doesn’t care about Harry’s safety. However complicated her relationship with her sister was a part of Petunia always loved her sister, mourned her, and couldn’t bear the thought to let the child die that her sister gave her life for. However horrible she treated Harry, she gave him a home, she gave him the bare minimum to survive, and with that she kept Lily’s sacrifice alive.

[absolutely-legit]

Number 1

Warnings: Angst, Completely false and unmedical protrayal of what could be considered Mental Health Problems. Maybe. It’s just angst.

~*~

Youngjae knows he fucked up. It’s evident in his posture, his face, his eyes. He knows he fucked up, but he doesn’t back off. He went too far and that’s unique. Youngjae never goes too far, not in this way. Jaebum doesn’t know how to react. He’s stunned beyond words, stunned into silence and he’s not alone. Everything is completely quiet.

Jaebum doesn’t know if it’s good or bad. Doesn’t know why. Why now. He should be glad, something in the back of his head whispers, that now at least he knows. It’s better if he knows, so he can do something, even if he doesn’t know what.

But then again, Youngjae never snaps. He never did before and Jaebum can’t help but wonder what happened. What has been so bad that he lost it. Or –and that thought is worse- how many things Jaebum has missed. How many signs did he not see so that it would come this far.

And he wonders, deep down and yet absolutely apparent.

If it is his fault.

Jinyoung is brave. He’s calm even if hanging on by a thread. He’s not the kind of person to snap either and Jaebum silently prays that he’ll keep it together.  That he’ll remember. That he’ll be able to see past it.

Jaebum has so many things to worry about, he can’t really think about how Jinyoung’s cheekbone is going to be blue and purple by tomorrow. Bruises heal, he tries to soothe himself, because he knows he should worry about that but he can’t.

He’s too occupied staring into Youngjae’s face, trying to decipher what’s going on, trying to remember what could have lead up to this. Because unless he knows, he can’t show an adequate response.

You should scold him, something in his mind nags at him and, yes, he should. But then there’s another part in him that says he should wrap Youngjae in a fluffy blanket and soothe him and pamper him and hug him tight and whisper.

Youngjae needs to be scolded, because he can’t just walk around and punch people. Not slap them, like he usually does when he’s excited or sometimes when he’s playfully upset. He can’t ball his hand into the fist and throw it into Jinyoung’s face out of nowhere so knuckles collide with skull in a painful noise and everybody is left in shock. Youngjae can’t do that, no matter how angry he is, but what if he has a reason? No matter the reason, nobody should retort to violence. But this is Youngjae after all and Youngjae has a reason and Jaebum is confused.

He’s insecure, because he has to make a decision and it has to be the right decision. The one that is best for everyone. And he won’t be able to do that. The realization seeps in slowly, while he stares at Youngjae’s face, guilty, but fired by a desperate determination. Jaebum knows he’ll go through with it if Jaebum decides to fight.

Finally, someone moves. It’s none of them, a staff member wets a towel and gently presses it to Jinyoung’s bruising cheek.

Jaebum stands up from his seat and holds his hand out in a peaceful manner. “Youngjae. Sweetie.” He speaks as gently as possible. “Come. Let me drive you home.” He wonders if Youngjae was coherent enough to wait for the fan meet to be over before he blew up. Or if it was a coincidence. To his immense luck Youngjae does not resist and his manager hands Jaebum the car keys on their way out.

Youngjae is quiet and calm and obedient as soon as it’s just the two of them. Jaebum thinks his decision was right. Thinks that it’s better this way. It’s better than if Youngjae hides. When he’s alone, instead of getting angry he gets lost. And when he gets lost. Sometimes he goes really far and Jaebum is afraid that one day Youngjae will be so lost, he won’t be able to find him anymore.

Youngjae thanks him politely when they arrive at his place and Jaebum only has a split second to react. He hisses in pain when the door collides with his foot that he shoves through the crack just in time before Youngjae can slam it shut in his face.

“Not like this, young man.” He scolds sternly, in his best ‘strict parent’ impression. Youngjae doesn’t laugh. His face is dark, his brows knitted. There’s a storm brewing. Maybe him hitting Jinyoung in the face was not the end of something but the beginning.

It’s obvious that Youngjae wants to say something. He makes a few noises, but he swallows them all back down and turns around. He lifts his foot off the ground and before Jaebum can react he lashes out with his foot, kicking the nearest potted plant off its stand and it shatters on the ground. He hears a frightened wincing noise somewhere in a corner and is glad that Coco is smart enough to hide away so she won’t get kicked also.

Youngjae paces. He walks here and there. He kicks at things and punches them and some things break and Jaebum is helpless. Aggression is such a novel emotion for Youngjae and it’s scary, but Jaebum doesn’t want to interrupt it, because if he does, he can imagine Youngjae spiraling downwards instead, falling down a pit Jaebum can’t reach him anymore.

So he stands and stares and waits.

It was wrong. But he only knows that when it’s too late. He wishes this was a story. Wishes it was a movie where he’ll accidentally make the right decision, where he knows how to do what. But it isn’t and he’s not a superhero and he tries, but he can’t make it right.

Youngjae breaks down in the middle of the living room. What Jaebum tried to avoid happened anyways, maybe worse and he could have stopped him from destroying his interior. He squats down next to him on the hard floor and pulls him into a hug, because this is a place he’s been to before.

Youngjae cries like an infant. Loud and obnoxious and maybe it’s because a little bit he’s just that. And Jaebum pets his hair and rocks him and knows that it doesn’t do anything good. He knows he’s not getting through, but he does it nonetheless.

He makes Youngjae get up. Pulls at him and tells him to come to his feet. He drags him to the bathroom, sits him down on the toilet and carefully begins wiping the Make-up off his face. He wipes tears, too but more follow and Jaebum’s own eyes sting and water.

He’s done this a few times. Brushing out the hairspray, pulling off his sweater. Putting Youngjae into his sleepwear and tucking him into bed. He knows it’s no good. He’s not even sure Youngjae notices what he’s doing.

“Are you gonna tell me what about Jinyoung made you angry?” He asks, fingers threading through Youngjae’s soft dark locks, head resting against the side of his thigh where he’s sitting against the headboard. Youngjae doesn’t answer.

“Jinyoung.” Jaebum says again to lure him out. “Have you seen his face?” He asks, faking a chuckle. “He looked like he’s been struck by lightning.” Youngjae stirs. “Funny.” He grumbles as fake as Jaebum’s amusement. Relief floods his being over the single word. “Thank god, you’re still here.” He mutters and asks himself whether he should’ve not said that.

That’s the thing. He doesn’t know what’s the right thing to say or what isn’t. He doesn’t know how to talk to Youngjae, he doesn’t know how to fix him. He’s not a goddamn magician. If he’s ever honest to himself he’d admit that Youngjae needs professional help, but then he’s fine long enough that Jaebum chases that thought to the back of his mind.

Youngjae snorts. “What for?” He asks, sarcastic enough to prove that he’s present. Maybe, Jaebum thinks as he remembers how long it has taken before to get to the point where Youngjae becomes spiteful, maybe punching isn’t so bad after all. Though, he doesn’t want to risk being so lenient with Youngjae that he can do whatever he pleases and blame it on his illness. If it is one. Jaebum isn’t a fucking psychiatrist.

“Why Jinyoung?” Jaebum asks, ignoring the previous question. “I hate him.” Youngjae simply states, wrapping cold, hard fingers neatly around his heart and pressing down. Not enough to crush it, but enough to hurt. Jaebum swallows thickly.

“Why?” He croaks quietly, soundless. He knows he shouldn’t press too much. He knows he can deal damage beyond repair if he handles this poorly, but in the past Youngjae’s dislike was usually directed towards “them” or “everyone”.

Youngjae sits up abruptly and Jaebum regrets the loss of warmth against his thigh, even though his pants are damp with late-spilled tears. Youngjae’s eyes have time to narrow for a little, having Jaebum’s heart miss a beat in fear of the returning anger. But he gets rescued by a cute little whimper and scratching and scuttling and a fluffy white fur ball springing onto the bed and nuzzling its wet nose against Youngjae’s hand. His posture relaxes, the knittings on his face ease.

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae mumbles and even though he doesn’t really make it clear if it’s directed towards him or Coco, Jaebum accepts the apology.

Jaebum takes the time Coco gave him to search his brain for an explanation. Eventually he speaks up, carefully.

“Does Jinyoung have something that you don’t?” He asks gently and witnesses a small nod, even though Youngjae doesn’t look up from where he’s petting Coco. The dog is the best thing that ever happened.

“Something you want?” Jaebum does his best to keep his voice soft and warm, not show the anxiety he feels. This time he gets more of a shrug than a nod. Poorly phrased.

“Something… he doesn’t deserve?” Youngjae twitches. “You deserve it more, don’t you?” He concludes to his own surprise. “’course I do.” Youngjae mumbles, gradually returning. Jaebum rummages through the last couple of weeks. He told himself over and over again that he will not let Youngjae’s condition influence his decisions concerning matters of the group and their music. If it is about that again?

“It was mine.” Youngjae explains before he can come to a conclusion. “The show, it was mine. It was the one thing I had and he takes it!!!” His dangerous voice has Coco jump off the bed and cower in fear. Something within Jaebum clicks. A faint memory of a beaming Youngjae years ago, relishing in praise. And a recent one, supposedly unimportant. A memory of how Youngjae was ‘sick’ when they had planned to watch the second episode of King of Masked singer together.

“He gets everything.” Youngjae spits and Jaebum notices that he will probably rile himself up enough to spill everything he kept inside. He braces for it, because he knows that there’s going to be a lot of bullshit in between. Because Youngjae will exaggerate to the point of ridicule, but he also knows that it is real when it feels real for Youngjae.

“He’s the actor already.” Youngjae turns towards him to look at him while he speaks, as if he needed to search for confirmation. “Why does he have to have everything?! It’s not fair. He can be in a drama and I am on the show and it’s NOT FAIR. I was on it and now he gets to be, but it was mine. I was there first!” He says it as if Jaebum didn’t know. “I’m never first.” Youngjae repeats that so often, the word ‘first’ gets stuck in Jaebum’s mind. “I never get to be first. I never get to be it. But he, he goes anywhere and gets to be in everything! It’s not fair Hyung!”

Jaebum sees the tears dwell up again, Youngjae’s eyes glassy and his nose runny. “I’m not first in the group. I’m not first in the family. I am nobody’s first choice, Hyung.” He grabs the blanket and throws it off the bed in such a childlike manner, Jaebum is startled for a moment. “He’s the first in handsome and the first in talent and the first in acting and in singing…. He gets to sing all the good parts and there’s never me who’s first, really!” Youngjae follows up with his whiny voice and Jaebum concentrates to not put it off because of that. Youngjae sometimes babbles, but there’s something and Jaebum knows it, he just has to find it. Peel off the layers and find the real threat.

“I’m always just there. Always behind. Always just one of the others. Never the one. I’m just… >>Oh and also, Youngjae.<<” It’s the part where he loses it. His voice breaks, he sobs. A tear rolls down Jaebum’s cheek, because he imagines the pain he must feel and it hurts almost physically. He knows it’s pointless, but he says it anyways. “It’s not true. You’re important…” Youngjae cuts him off, rudely shouting “Shut UP!”

He pulls up his nose and narrows his eyes. “This isn’t something you can talk away!” He spits. “This is facts. I always get what’s left over; I always AM what’s left over. Find something I’ve ever won, something I’ve ever been first in. There’s none. You can’t put this off as me just making it up, just feeling this way, because I can prove it.” His tears stop for a moment, but he’s visibly distressed. “Everyone has favorites I am noone’s!” He states matter-of-factly. “I am nobody’s first choice.” He says again, voice wavering. “I’m not your first choice.”

And over the pain in his voice and his hazel eyes brimming with tears and his quivering lips, swollen from crying Jaebum understands.

He thinks he can see in slow motion in his head how Jinyoung takes a blow to the face the very moment he leans in to giggly press a wet kiss to his cheek. Youngjae’s anxiety and insecurity is nothing new. It’s what pulls him down an endless hole of fear and depression that Jaebum doesn’t know how to cure.

But the anger. The anger is new and it’s burning and it’s triggered by something that Youngjae didn’t feel before. He’s feeling inappropriate, yes, but he also demands. He demands to be taken seriously. Demands to get whatever he feels he’s not getting.

And Jaebum thinks this is so much easier to deal with. A feeling so basic, so easy to understand.

Jealousy.

“You’re my number one.” He answers and leans in to brush his lips over Youngjae’s wet cheek.

“Prove it.” Youngjae chokes.

He’s very certain he will regret the consequences, but right now all he can think about is to finally make Youngjae feel better. Even if only this once.

He cradles his head and closes his eyes and their lips find each other in a tender kiss.

~*~