#i don’t care if he did a lot of this selfishly either I think it was worth it

[varibean]

The worst part about tangled us that they gave me a lil autistic guy who focuses on accessibility, believes in government transparency, fought against a corrupt monarchy and tried to expose the government’s secret fucking police, was used as a scapegoat, and imprisoned and the show wants me to believe that his Good Happy Ending is him working for the very institution that he became disenchanted with to begin with

‘Royal engineer’ sorry beloved, but no <3

[max--phillips]

Okay here goes

First, the spoiler free stuff:

Ridley Scott knows how to make a fucking film.

If I don’t see fics of Acacius x reader x Lucilla I will begin biting

If you are going in it for Pedro, I will warn you his character is very important but kind of… idk, shallow is too strong of a word, but not very fleshed out. I don’t think that’s an issue in the greater scheme of the movie though, it makes sense in the plot and doesn’t feel out of place or bad in the universe.

If you are going in it for Paul Mescal, you will not be disappointed.

Please watch the first movie first. The story will not make any fucking sense if you don’t.

Just the right amount of flashbacks and footage from the first movie . Chefs kiss

Ridley Scott really said “all emperors and tyrants are nasty little freaks with terrible vibes”

Oh also if you’re squeamish about gore and stuff like. It’s a movie about gladiators so set your expectations accordingly. There is an instance of a disembodied head used as a prop. So y’know

Okay, spoilery stuff below the cut

Arishat was hot :( rip

Monkeys at the beginning? Terrible. 0/10 did not enjoy that. Also did not enjoy seeing and hearing Mr. Mescal BITING ONE

I love Ravi I would watch a whole movie just about him tending to gladiators’ wounds quite frankly. Give me that story

We love to see bisexuality on screen (even though that wasn’t a social identity at the time but we’re not here to talk about that) what with the concubines and drunk as fuck Macrinus

Speaking of drunk as fuck Macrinus: that whole scene was so fucking funny. They’re like that meme about people getting high. You know the one

Speaking of Macrinus—Denzel Washington stole the show. When TIME magazine pushed a story to me today headlined “Gladiator II Belongs to Denzel Washington,” I was like, pshhhh, nah. But it really does. It’s not about him? But it’s his fucking show.

The politics . THE POLITICS

It feels a little heavy handed right now but that wasn’t probably how it was intended, given it was made before. Y’know. The election. But the whole dream of Rome being a place where everyone is equal and cared for but you can only whisper it or it’ll shatter? Yeah.

Oh, right, Acacius: that dude is so tired he does NOT want to be there. Let him go home to his hot wife. Alas, his hot wife is the way she is and like… no good deed goes unpunished.

And I fucking called it with my text post a few months ago. Two (2) movies now where Denzel Washington (either directly or indirectly) kills Pedro Pascal. Brilliant

Admittedly selfishly I would’ve liked to see more of him. But it felt like the correct thing in the context of the story. If he didn’t die then, if he wasn’t the inciting event for the uprising of the people of Rome, it wouldn’t have made sense and it would’ve just been fan service and “look, we got Pedro Pascal!” at that point.

I would’ve liked to see a more in-depth exploration of the change in relationship between Lucius and Lucilla—it seems like they went from Lucius screaming at her to get out to them hugging it out without any real development between the two of them specifically. Obviously a lot had happened in the world of the movie at that point but nonetheless

Macrinus shooting Lucilla was his Icarus moment. There was no coming back from that. “But what about Geta” “but what about Caracalla” no. It was Lucilla. If she’d gotten got by the praetorian guards or something else, it would’ve been fine. But because it was Macrinus there was nowhere he could go from there other than [checks notes] getting his hand chopped off and then gutted in a dirty irrigation ditch.

Remember kids, the people in power who are causing all of the things going wrong in the world have names and addresses and are mortal <3

Also another takeaway from the movie: imperialism, religious extremism, ableism, and authoritarianism will be the end of us all <3

Anyway. Good movie. Can’t wait to watch it again in my own home with subtitles so I can actually like… process everything everyone was saying LMAO and take better reaction notes.

I’m still sitting in the theater parking lot it’s been like 30 minutes LMAO okay thanks for coming to my tedtalk or whatever

[nalyra-dreaming]

Hot take but the way people hold Antoinette and miss Lily on a double standard is actually pretty annoying.

Don’t get me wrong. Antoinette is awful, and it’s also fun to hate her for the sake of Loustat, but people give her and Lestat’s relationship too much credit.

Like miss Lily, Antoinette is Louis/Lestat’s “therapist”. Louis went to Lily to keep appearances and to vent. Lestat went to Antoinette to vent, feed and have an outlet. People paint Lily as Louis’ best friend and hate on Lestat for killing her, but somehow they don’t take in account the fact that Antoinette was Lestat’s ““best friend”” too. She was the only woman who knew he was a vampire and lived after, did not care of his nature, and was extremely loyal. No matter how entitled she was, she was the closest thing Lestat had to a friend. After Lily, Louis has Claudia. They rely on each other. Lestat could only rely on Louis, and not that much either. Louis could vent about Lestat to Claudia and vice versa, but who did Lestat vent to? He couldn’t vent about his family to his own family because she knew they were loyal to each other, so he had to go to Antoinette, and he didn’t even like her. He didn’t care for her, but it was better than being alone, and I’m sure the only reason he was there was that, for someone who needs words of affirmation and warmth, it was selfishly nice to be wanted by someone.

Im not justifying Lestat going to her (even though vampire wise it wasn’t cheating), I just dont get why Lily is considered Louis’ best friend but Antoinette is considered the mistress Lestat was in love when he didn’t care for her, and only did the equivalent of having lunch together and occasionally flirting with his therapist.

Yeah... I get what you mean.

Especially, since (canonically!!! SHOW CANONICALLY!!) Miss Lilly literally went and revealed part of Louis' secret (namely revealing his behavior and thereby Louis' cover) to her wealthy new white customer.

Like, seriously. I know the scene with Louis and Lestat and her is mesmerizing, but this is literally what she says there:

"I told Mr. Lioncourt you and me usually just talk."

Like, she blows Louis' carefully built cover there! Has already! That's... not funny?! And I would be absolutely pissed as a customer, tbh.

And I don't think Louis finds it so awesome either.

So yes, not only was the confidante status of Antoinette more than hinted at in the hotel scene in 1x06, but it is also based on a book canon part, and one that is in a book Rolin has stated he takes from - snippet here (about Antoine(tte)):

I think the upholding of Miss Lilly comes from the fact that Lestat killed her - and we do not have more context wrt that.

A lot of the "fandom" seems to take it as an "isolating move", and ... I doubt that. I think it is more exactly what Lestat says there - she proved a "poor substitute" for Louis, and ultimately she was just... food to him. Because that is what mortals are for them.

I mean, yes, Louis went to her. Yes, she seemed familiar with Louis, and had his back in the scene on the balcony with Lestat. Yes, she calls him a beautiful man when Lestat asks why Louis "wastes this waist with words".

But she also revealed Louis' behavior with her which - if revealed to any other customer - might have been really dangerous for Louis.

[asexual-squidward]

I keep seeing debates about the whole Ben confrontation with Jacob, wondering why Jacob said “what about you?”

And a lot of people say it’s Jacob trying to show Ben the error of his ways, or trying to show him Locke was the monster - but I really don’t agree. I think people assume Jacob is all-knowing and incapable of being wrong because if the MIB represents ‘evil’ Jacob represents ‘good’.

But imo that’s only what Jacob sees himself as - he is selfishly playing games with the lives of these people to prove a philosophical point to the MIB, and in trying to prove that humanity as a whole are good, he mistreats the individual people (especially those so desperate for his approval and attention. Ben was manipulated, Richard was given immortality he didn’t want, and Ilana exploded when she was no longer of ‘use’.)

Jacob wanted Ben to somehow magically choose the ‘correct’ option and be good after a lifetime of abuse and manipulation, and Ben apparently didn’t pass the test because he stabbed him.

Either:

a. He was being honest and he didn’t care at all about Ben (plausible)

b. He was trying to make a point as in ‘and what choice are you going to make?’ (Which, see above)

c. He did it to purposefully provoke Ben to stab him (which again is using his constant neglect of Ben as a tool for his own ends)

(IMO it’s either A or C, the tone was wrong for it to be B. The point of the scene is Ben to realise Jacob doesn’t care.)

Jacob couldn’t see the forest for the trees and tried to prove humanity as a whole were good while not caring about them as individuals - which is why Hurley will be a much better Protector than him.

To quote The Good Place: “The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?”

[mint-yooxgi]

I am definitely scared to ask but spill the tea Jackie, what ABOUT HC! Hongjoong 👀 what did he do 👀👀👀

Spill. The. Tea 👏👏

He just had a lot to say... (please keep in mind this was a spur of the moment piece and I haven’t bothered to properly read it back over or edit it, so it will probably change after I properly write out everything, but here’s what he demanded be said hehehe)

“You don’t know how long I’ve fantasized about this. About you.”

“Oh? Just what have you fantasized about, Captain?”

His eyes flash, gaze briefly roaming your entire body as he licks his lips.

“I can’t count the amount of times I’ve fantasized about you sucking me off. I’ve thought about you worshipping my cock, the way your lips would feel wrapped around me, and fuck- the feeling of your tongue licking every inch like I’m the best damn thing you’ve ever tasted in your life.” He admits, voice but a low draw. His chest begins to rise and fall dramatically as he watches your tongue dart out to wet your lips. “And of course, once you were finally sated with pleasing me, I would absolutely fucking devour you. Fuck, ever since that day you allowed up to indulge in you, the way your scent fucking hypnotized me, I’ve been dying for a taste. That little gift of yours could only satisfy me for so long; I’m afraid that your scent has long since worn off of them, given the amount of times I tried to suckle whatever last drops of your sweet nectar that I could that clung to the material.”

Your breath hitches at his confession. The mental image alone of Hongjoong desperate and aching for you, your panties caught between his lips as he strokes his throbbing cock to the thought of you has your pussy immediately clenching around nothing. You nearly let out a moan.

“Fuck, I’ve always thought about you. The way you would taste: how your thighs would tremble around my head as your juices dripped down my chin. I’ve always fantasized about how sweet my name would sound falling from your lips, pulling me in closer as I brought you to ecstasy over, and over, and over again just from my tongue alone.” He’s panting at this point, but he doesn’t care. “I want to feel you falling apart because of me. I want you to flood my every sense with you as you continuously drip down my face because you cannot help how wet I make you. I want to make you tremble. I want for you to experience a bliss unlike anything you’ve ever felt in your entire life and then I want to drown you in my love, in pleasure so that the only thing you can think of, the only thing you can feel is me. I want to have you shaking as I make you come over, and over, and over again for me and me alone. I want to hear you sigh my name, and then I want to make you scream it until your voice is so raw from the pleasure I am providing you that all you can do is whimper and moan. Selfishly, I want to please you until I am satisfied, until you’re either begging me to stop, or you pass out from the feeling of it all. I want to feel your nails digging into my back as I make the sweetest love to you, letting you feel my devotion to you in every movement that I make.” 

“I want to love you, until the stars fall from the sky, and the entire world goes up in flames.” A moment’s pause so he can stare deeply into your eyes. “I will love you. Until the end of time.”

[dumbass-brunette]

In defense of Mlb’s season 5 final

Edit: Pinning this again temporarily now that the London special is out, I CALLED IT GUYS I CALLED IT!!! I BEEN KNEW :DDDDD I’m so happy that trusting the writers worked out in the end

I’ve seen a lot of discourse over how this season ended and while I understand and respect that people didn't like it, I vehemently disagree with the arguments made against these episodes.

Argument 1: ‘They redeemed Gabriel/ let Gabriel win’

While I do get why people see it that way, this is just flat-out wrong in my opinion. The whole scene with him being celebrated as a hero was meant to be unsettling and is setting up for future conflict in season 6. Having Adrien struggle with the conflicting feelings of knowing that Gabriel was an awful and abusive father while simultaneously being told that his abuser ‘was a hero who helped defeat monarch’ is massive story potential in my eyes.

As for the second half of the argument, Gabriel didn't win either, Gabriel’s entire goal was to bring Emilie back so that their family could be whole again. Instead he ended up realizing that Emilie not only did not want to be brought back but that he also ruined the chance of fulfilling her dying wish (for him to move on and take care of Adrien), and how did he react to this? He killed himself. He DID NOT nobly sacrifice himself as many are claiming.

He couldn’t bear living in a world without Emilie and he was too much of a deadbeat to care for his son, so SELFISHLY he killed himself.

Now, I’m a firm believer the woman in the final scene was Amelie, not Emilie. Instead of bringing Emilie back, he simply transferred Nathalie’s illness to himself so that he could join Emilie in the afterlife. He was a selfish coward who very nearly ruined his son’s life and then left his assistant to pick up the pieces. That is NOT a redemption.

Argument 2: ‘Marinette was shocked by Gabriel being Monarch, thus nullifying the events of Representation’

Marinette did in fact know Gabriel was Hawkmoth and was simply shocked at seeing it in real life. I would have reacted the exact same way tbh. I’m seriously surprised nobody else seems to have experienced the phenomenon of being shocked by information they already knew. Let me tell you right now, it happens, and considering the nature of knowing her boyfriend’s dad is a terrorist, I don’t blame her.

Argument 3: ‘Marinette was not taking the reveal in representation seriously and instead focused on her problems with Adrien being in London’

Keep in mind that this episode takes place a singular day after representation. Marinette was most likely still in shock due to this information. It’s also possible she didn’t completely believe it considering Felix has proved time and time again, to be an unreliable source and someone who couldn’t be trusted.

In terms of her focusing on her problems regarding Adrien, this was ENTIRELY due to the effects of the nightmare created by akuma Gabe (I forgot what he was called lmao), that is shown to cause people to act illogically.

Argument 4: ‘The citizens were dumbed down’

I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about the citizens reactions to Adrien and Kagami being kidnapped by Ladybug and Chat Noir. This goes back to the effects of Gabriel’s nightmare, I personally believe that the nightmare wasn’t as similar to sandboy as people seem to think it is. It shown to affects a person’s mental and emotional state, causing them to act irrationally towards anything that even slightly upsets them. Despite the fact that a few seconds of thinking would have led them to the conclusion that the kidnapping was not real considering the AI tech this universe has, it’s clear people did not take the few seconds to reach that conclusion. They were in a state of fear and panic, they were being soothed by their alliances and then that was harshly ripped away from them. Due to the shock and fear, the general population acted on impulse, leaving only people like Alya who have a personal connection to Ladybug and Chat Noir, with the ability to resist.

Argument 5: ‘Adrien was sidelined’

This is probably the only area where I kind of agree with the feelings of the argument. I wish Adrien had been more involved in this final. However, I feel it was necessary for the sake of the story arch set up for season six, that he wasn’t.

If we look at the way the show has set up Marinette and Adrien’s narratives, it’s clear that Marinette’s fight is a Man vs. Man physical fight against a terrorist. This is exactly what we received from her in the final.

On the other hand, Adrien’s narrative is less about fighting the forces of evil and more about advocating for himself, gaining his freedom, working towards self acceptance, and healing from his past traumas. The show does not want you to look at Adrien as a fierce fighter, and that’s okay.

What’s different about Adrien’s narrative, is that unlike Ladybug’s his was left unresolved.

Adrien’a story is about fighting for his freedom, and yet all of the people around him have been keeping him in the dark (something the show has never once framed in a positive light), inhibiting his ability to be free. Adrien’s story is about self acceptance and yet at the end of the episode he says he’s unsure if he’ll ever live up to his father. Adrien’s story is about healing from past trauma and yet the lie of Gabriel’s heroism is inhibiting him from doing just that.

As much as I wish that we had seen Adrien doing something out there, even if it wasn’t fighting Monarch, I believe that by having him not, the show as set up for a fascinating follow up season, and I have never been more excited.

Disclaimer: I’m not trying to claim people who disliked the episodes are wrong for doing so, nor do I think my opinion is the “correct” opinion to have. I’m simply sharing my take on the episode

[midnightsslut]

You’re saying there’s nuance to every situation and that people aren’t ready to break up is just you justifying them cheating! Like you’re not ready to break up with someone but you’re ready to destroy their entire life because you are either thinking selfishly or just want to get in bed with someone else… no matter how you look at it the bottom line is you are cheating on someone you supposedly love and not thinking of their feelings as well. You’re entire argument is the most selfish way of thinking. Like sorry not strong enough to break up with you even though I want to but I still am going to be with you and pretend to like you while also sleeping with someone else which will eventually make you believe you are a piece of shit that can’t ever be loved and can’t even gain enough respect to not be embarrassed and humiliated. Saying cheating gives a sense of finality is just another way to say I don’t care about you or your feelings I only care about myself and all the time you put into me for however long has meant absolutely nothing to me. And I’ve never said Taylor hasn’t been cheated on, i actually never even brought her up in the conversation at all. I’m talking about how so many of her fans think it’s okay to do for her because she’s Taylor but if it happens to her(which I know has) that makes the person the worst person in the world and he should die. Where’s the justification and nuance for them? I hate joe but just as an example maybe he wasn’t ready to break up with her so instead he decided to hang out in bars and sleep with other women so by your guy’s argument it’s shitty of him to do but it’s okay because he just wasn’t ready to break up yet and needed to hurt Taylor instead for the relationship to end.

you misunderstood me. I’m not saying it’s justified or okay. it’s not. you’re right. it’s selfish and impulsive and shitty. what i’m saying is that, unless it turns into a pattern, a person can come back from cheating and still be a good partner to someone else. it doesn’t mean you’ll jump your ex as soon as you see them (not saying that you implied that, but other anons did). a lot of cheaters aren’t exactly in the best place either. is it comparable to the pain they end up causing? usually not. it just doesn’t mean they can never again deserve sympathy because they’re marred for the rest of their lives.

I’m really sorry if someone did this to you. it’s super selfish, like you said, and I’m not trying to defend it.

[green-ville]

The Story of Icarus (5)

          Synopsis: All cards on the table. Maverick now knows why she has to fly this mission, but will allowing her to go jeopardize it? Will he have just signed her death warrant?

______

Chapter 5: The Missions

             She hadn’t made the cut.

           The words repeated in her head again and again and again.  

           Phoenix and Bob.

           Fanboy and Payback.

           Rooster.

           Maverick.

           Phoenix and Bob.

           Fanboy and Payback.

           Rooster.

           Maverick.

           Everyone else was gearing up. Kara stayed behind. Captain Mitchell walked over to her, sensing her distress. Seeing it easily, because she hadn’t moved a muscle since her name wasn’t called.

           “I’m sorry, Maro. But I can’t be the reason one of you dies.”

           “I. . .”

           “Maybe if we had that extra week, you would have been able to work through whatever you need to work through, but the timeline was pushed up. I can’t, in good conscience, send you off.”

           No. She had been flying better. She beat the course, so what if she was off by a few seconds? In real life she can do it better! She’d be better! She needed to fly this mission!

           Maverick shook his head, genuinely apologetic. He turned to leave, and the shock wore off enough for her to get a sentence out.

           “Who did you lose, sir? If you don’t mind me asking.”

           He stopped, paused, and faced her again. He swallowed and nodded. “My WSO. A great man named Goose.”

           “Rooster’s dad?”

           The two words together provoked a soft wince, old wounds that never fully healed. He answered her honestly anyway. “Yes.”

           Kara smiled, humorless, broken. “I’m going to lose my mom if I don’t fly this mission.”

           Maverick’s gaze locked on her. The brown was focused, twice as serious now.

           “She’s over there, an agent in the field, and needs extraction but they can’t get her out. She’s how we got all the information on the uranium site. Once it’s blown up, security will triple and it’ll be too hard to try and get her out. They won’t send anyone to try and remove her. It’s either pull her out on this mission,” her lower lip shook, words choking on their way out. Her final sentence was barely audible. “Or not at all.”

           “And what about your teammates, Icarus? This mission will be hard enough getting in and getting out, but getting in, making a pit stop, and getting out?”

           “I will make sure they’re in the clear before I break away sir.”

           “Which puts you in even more danger.”

           “I know the risks, sir. I’ve been thinking things through since day one.”

           And he had been saying it too, a mission they might not all come back from. For Icarus, she knew the risks, and she still had to try. Even if it was sabotaged from the start, she couldn’t not try.

           Maverick sighed, internally torn apart, struggling to conceal the turmoil. He hung his head, shaking it. “You’ve put me in a spot, Lieutenant Commander.”

           “I will come back, sir.”

           “You can never be certain.”

           “Every mission I’ve ever gone on, I have come back.” An obvious fact. “And that was without someone to come back to. That was going out, not truly caring about myself, but needing to go out anyway because there was someone that needed help. And I took a lot of hits, selfishly hoping that one of them would be the one to finish it, but it never did. I have someone to come back to now, so I promise you, sir. I promise, that even if my plane gets blown up, I will come back. Even if I get shot, I will come back. Nothing will stop me from coming back. . .Or ensuring the survival of my teammates.”

           His smile was small, sad, but true. “You certainly know how to give a speech, Lieutenant Commander.”

           “I know. . .I know I’m asking a lot of you. To trust me when my behavior has been so erratic – “

           Rooster cut her off. “I trust you, Icarus.”

           Phoenix nodded beside him. “I know you’ll do what’s right Maro. If you can make Bagman a better person, I already classify you as a miracle worker.”

           Bob shrugged. “I trust Nat’s judgment.”

           Fanboy and Payback remained quiet, studying her for another minute before they shared a look. Then a nod. “I can’t say that I like this plan, but I trust Maverick. And I trust Rooster and Phoenix,” Payback said. “If they fly behind you, so will I.”

           “Just maybe drink a bottle of water first, because I don’t want to carry you to a medic a second time,” Fanboy joked.

           Kara smiled. “I’ll drink some water. And thank you for that, I appreciated it.”

           “I’d say anytime, but that seems ill-phrased.”

           She nodded, clapping her hands together, exhaling. “Alright then aviators. You know what to do. You know that, no matter what happens, you keep flying.”

           They grew uncomfortable again, the same way they were when she first told them the plan. Rooster nodded first, and then they all followed suit.

           “Are we ready, then?”

           A chorus of “yes ma’am’s,” and they all parted ways, heading to their respective jets. Kara successively managed to turn around before she was stopped. Despite the worry on his face, she saw him and smiled, worry stripping away.

           “I’ll come back,” she promised, going straight for a hug. He didn’t hesitate to hold her back, squeezing her closer, kissing the top of her head.

           “You better,” he warned. “My grandparents will already be upset with me for being married, but being married and widowed and having never met you, they might not let me back on the farm.”

           She pulled back, smiling up at him. “I won’t let you get widowed. You’re stuck with me now.”

           He bent down, pecking her softly on the lips.

           “Come back,” he said, and she smiled, cupping his cheek.

           “I’ll see you soon, Seresin.”

           He rolled his eyes, watching her slip away. “You better, Seresin.”

           From not too far away, Natasha Trace gagged loudly, then pretended to hurl over the edge of her jet.

           Jake rolled his eyes. “Shut up Trace, I know you and Rooster have that weird thing going on.”

           Bob made a face. “You and Rooster – !”

           “NO!”

 _

           “Dagger 1, up and ready on catapult 1.”

           Her heart rate slowed down, her senses tuning themselves to the situation.

           Her teammates readied themselves, smoke swirling around her jet as she waited. She only half listened in, plan sweeping through her head one final time.

           Everyone was going to make it back. She had made amends with Jake. She was going to get back.

           “Dagger Spare, standby.” Jake on standby.

           “Dagger 4, up and ready.” Payback and Fanboy, ready for takeoff.

           Phoenix voiced next, calm and steady. “Dagger 3, up and ready.”  

            “Dagger 2, up and ready.” Rooster, who would take over for her once she left.

           They knew the plan. They knew what would happen. There wouldn’t be any surprises.

           6 were leaving for this mission, 7 would return.

           “Standby for launch decision,” a monotonous woman from the control tower spoke.

           Her hand rested on the yoke, the throttle.

           6 were leaving. Right now she flew with an empty back seat. When she returned, that seat would be filled.

           “Launch them,” Cyclone’s voice sounded, and at his command, she led the charge.

           Testing all her flaps one last time, setting her propulsion damn near to the max, Icarus signaled to the ground, and then she was launched. She shot forward, searing across the short landing strip, and when she breached the edge, there was a quick dip down, gravity taking hold and dropping her stomach with it. She breathed through it and began to ascend.

           High above the clouds, she waited for her teammates to get in position. Seeing them on her radar, she spoke into her mask.

           “Dagger 1 for standby check in.”

            “Picture clean, recommend dagger continue.”

           “Copy, daggers descending below radar,” Icarus responded, pushing down on the yoke and leading the descent. The clouds blurred their field of vision momentarily, but she couldn’t allow the obstruction to raise her anxiety. She was at the therapeutic level of having a sharper focus, high energy levels, and an eerie sense of calm.

           “Daggers now below radar.”

           The ocean ghosted below them, the horizon showing their future. The snow topped landscape. The mountain that stood so far away, but with the speed they were going, it would be less than three minutes for them to meet.

           “Here we go,” Icarus said. “Enemy territory up ahead. Picture clean?”

           The monotonous woman confirmed. “Picture clean. Decision is yours.”

           There was never an option for turning back. Not in her books.

           “Dagger attack.”

           “Tomahawks airborne.”

           “No turning back now.”

           No turning back indeed, as the tomahawks were already flying overhead. Less than a hundred feet above them, and heading straight for enemy territory.

           Icarus nodded. “Daggers, attack formation.”

           She glanced behind once, to confirm they were all set. Dagger 3 to her immediate back. Dagger 2 behind. Dagger 4 carrying up the rear.

           “Daggers set. Proceeding to target. 2 minutes and 30 seconds in 3.” A breath. She could see trees. “2.” Her muscles relaxed. “1 mark.” She was over ground, and her timer started down.

           “2 mark.”

           “3 mark.”

           “4 mark.”

           They were in the danger zone now.

           It was different than how they practiced. Physically, similar. Each turn was like her skeleton was being compressed. The air struggled to come in. The sweat drenched her. Her eyes had to scan everything at once but now there were objects actually on the hills for them to locate.

           Different in the sense of they could get shot at any time.

           “SAM 1, high up, 3 o’clock.”

           “SAM 2, left side, 11 o’clock.”

           And she worried. Her arms chilled even though she was sweating right now. Fear ran through her because these people trusted her. Trusted her like Jake had on their first mission. And they knew the plan, she had told them she’d be leaving, but that didn’t calm her raising heart rate, or unknot her twisted stomach.

           This mission felt wrong now, but it was too late.

           Controls alerted them of 2 bogeys in the distance. She spotted them, flying high, standard patrol. They weren’t seen yet.  

           “They haven’t seen us yet. Proceed as planned.”

           Even still, she pushed that throttle down more. Speeding forward, weaving through the hills, spotting all the SAMS that would be on their asses in less than three minutes. A party for later. A bridge popped up, and she flipped again, blowing through it and letting out a shaky laugh as she passed.

           “Phoenix, mind your head.”

           “Minding it,” she copied back, following the maneuver to pass through the tall, narrow arches of a bridge.

           “Rooster,” Payback said, “we’re behind schedule. Pick it up man.”

           Damn. Behind? She had been so worried about her own situation that she didn’t once think about Rooster! Damn damn damn! She had to get him back in real life, out of his head.

           “Dagger 2, how we doing?” Icarus asked.

           Rooster didn’t respond.

           “Dagger 1, the runway is gone. Bogeys are veering away.”

           They were in the final stretch. Six more seconds and they’d be climbing the mountain. And Rooster was behind.

           “Rooster come on man, I can’t do this without you,” she said, the mountain right in front of her. Large, dominating, terrifying.

           Blow up the site. Get them back to water. Get her mom. Return home and never fly another mission. She just had to get back home and that was it.

           Rooster didn’t respond.

           “C’mon dad, talk to me.” A quiet, almost nonexistent whisper. Not meant for anyone else, but they had an active line, so of course she heard it.

           And Icarus had never met his dad before, didn’t know a thing about him other than he was Maverick’s WSO, and he died. Rooster thought he never made him proud.

           “Make him proud Rooster,” Icarus said. “Make your dad proud.”

           That was all she could say.

And she began the ascent.

           Her muscles bulged. She kept breathing, forceful exhales and tingling inhales. Black spots threatened to blind her. She blew her eyes open, fighting against passing out. Snow blew behind her, likely blinding Phoenix the rest of the way.

           “Woah Rooster! Not that quick buddy!” Payback exclaimed, and as she inverted, blood rushing to her head, there was a grin on her face.

           He was doing it.

           “Bob, eyes on target, eyes on target!”

           “Dagger 3, standby Icarus, standby . . .Got it!”

           The alarm rang in her ears. She had a locked target. “Target acquired, bombs away,” she addressed, and let them fly.

           Then she pulled back, breaking the sharp descent for a mind melting ascent. She kept her head forward, forcing her eyes open, forcing breaths inside her because if she held her breath now, she’d pass out for sure and she was coming home. There’d be no one stopping her from coming home.

           “We have impact! We have a direct hit!” Bob exclaimed. He sounded insultingly surprised.

           “Dagger 2, status!” She shouted this, fighting the wave of fatigue.

           “Almost there Icarus, almost there!

           “Fanboy, where’s my laser?!”

           “Rooster there’s something wrong with the laser, shit! Dead eye dead eye dead eye!”

           “C’mon guys, we’re running out of time.”

           “I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying!”

           “No good, I’m firing blind.”

           “Rooster wait!”

           “Bombs away bombs away!”

           She broke through the mountain’s protection. The SAMS locked on her. A second later, the SAMS spotted Dagger 3.

           “Smoke in the air!”

           “Bullseye bullseye bullseye!”

           Icarus looked back, and saw the cloud of smoke washing up from the ground. They had done it! Rooster fucking got it!

           And now they were targets.

           “Phoenix, on your 6!”

           “Dagger 3 deploying flares – “

           Bob cut in, “4 o clock Icarus, 4 o clock!”

           Icarus broke away, “dagger 1 defending!”

Daggers 2 and 4 joined the fight, bursting from the mountains cover. They shot into the cloudy sky, her eyes tracking them for a split second just to count that there were two planes, and she was back on surveillance.

           Six voices talking all at once and every voice being heard. Flashes of red and balls of fire lighting up the sky.

           “Deploying counter measures! Negative contact.”

           “Payback, SAM on your nose.”

           “Dagger 4 defending.”

           “HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!”

           “Dagger 3 defending!”

           Unanimously, as a team, they were all heading away from the mountain top. She didn’t have to say it, and they had never practiced together before, but they were all doing it. They all knew what to do. Not only did they have each other’s backs, but they were making progress to safety too.

           More SAMS shot at them, none of them diving low enough to evade their reach. Icarus lead the charge forward, shouting whenever she saw anything.

           “Smoke in the air, smoke in the air!”

           “Break right Dagger 4!”

           “Dagger 4 defending!”

           “Phoenix, two more on your 6!”

           “Talk to me Bob!”

           “Break right, break right!”

           “Dagger 2 smoke in the air!”

           “Dagger 2 defending!”

           Icarus glanced back, steering straight, seeing the missiles in the air.

           A second later, her heart dropped.

           “Shit, I’m out of flares!”

           She lied. She lied to Maverick. She promised she’d get them home and Rooster was a target right now.

           “ROOSTER EVADE EVADE!”

           “I can’t shake em! They’re on me!”

           She lied to Maverick. She lied to Jake. Her commanding officers were right in giving her the name Icarus. She had agreed to a mission she wouldn’t return home from.

           “I’m sorry Jake,” Icarus whispered, tone steel. Unwavering. Depleted. Her right hand shoved the gear forward. She left it, double handling the yoke, and she yanked with all her might back.

           The tip of her jet faced the sun, blinding her.

           Flying too close to the sun.

           “I’m so sorry,” she finished, accepting her fate, and slammed her fist against the flares, blinking back stars.

           Rooster passed beneath.

           Her flares deployed, catching one of the missiles.

           Another caught her.

           “ICARUS NO!”

           “Dagger 1 is hit! I repeat, Dagger 1 is hit! Icarus is down!”

           “Does anyone see her? Does anyone see a chute?!”

           “Dagger 1 come in!”

           “I didn’t see a parachute!”

           “We have to circle back!”

           “Comanche bandits inbound. Single group hot. Recommend dagger flow south. One minute to intercept.”

           “Dagger team return to carrier.”

           “What about Icarus?!”

           “She knew the risks.”

           “Dagger spare requesting permission to launch aircraft!”

           “Negative spare.”

           “Dagger, you are not to engage. Repeat, you are not to engage. Acknowledge. Repeat, acknowledge.”

           “Rooster, you can’t go back. Bandits are closing in.”

           “She’s gone, Rooster. She’s gone.”

                       Her body seized up, muscles taught, and then the pain flared through her entire body. Her heart raced, pounding, trying to burst free, and then she was moving without processing.

           Kara dangled fifteen feet off the ground, parachute caught in a tree. Her leg ached up a storm, her head was warm, but she was alive. Alive, and unbuckling herself, and then she was dropping onto the ground. She choked on air, chortling, spiraling –

           Poof!

           Snow softened the blow, but not by much, and then she realized how badly her leg was fucked up.

           Red blotted down into the perfect white, and she propped herself on her elbows, body hot as she looked down to her leg.

           “Not good,” Kara whispered, cheeks red, forehead red. “Not good.”

           Field first aid was based off of ‘use what you have’. Specifically with her line of work, Kara had much experience with this. Her leg was broken, an idiot could figure that out. On top of that, there was something sticking in her leg. She couldn’t really identify it because the only time she looked at it, a wave of nausea fell over her and she almost passed out. She couldn’t be doing that right now.

           Her muscle twitched and pain shot all the way up her back. There was no way she could put pressure on it, let alone an ounce of her weight. Kara had a retractable metal staff that would help her walk, so there was that. And she had a medical kit.

           First things first; stop the bleeding. Above the area where she was impaled, she used her belt as a tourniquet, restricting the blood flow to her leg. She wouldn’t be able to keep that on forever, but for now, she needed to slow the blood down. Tightening it in place, she bit into a strap of leather to stop her scream from alerting everyone of her location.

           Her eyes burned with tears. Next, Kara attempted to stabilize her leg with a bunch of wrap around bandages and nearby twigs.  It was perhaps the shittiest brace in the existence of braces, but she was alive, so she wasn’t complaining.

           Her next goal was to stand, but she never got to attempt that. The sound of a chopper nearby brought back her fight or flight response.        

           She heard it first, spotted it second. Off in the distance, camouflaged into the white and grey world, a chopper. A chopper coming straight for her.

           Kara jammed the extended staff into the ground and shouted her pain, standing up. Using the staff as her leg, she hobbled/ran for cover, fighting off passing out as every jagged movement burned in her leg. It felt wet, was she still bleeding? She didn’t have time to think about it because she was being shot at!

           The spray of dust brushed her, and Kara shouted again, throwing herself behind a fallen tree, hitting the ground hard, and rolling for full cover.

           The world was black for a second. She grabbed snow, pressed it to her neck, tried to force herself to fight off falling to sleep.

           She had to stay awake.

           Had to keep going.

           The helicopter swept around, and she rolled onto her stomach, staring it dead on. Mouth parted, chest caving, she heard the familiar whirling of the bullets starting up –

           And she watched a missile crash into the side of the helicopter, blowing it up. The warmth reached her face, and she spotted the fighter jet a second later. Saw it curve in the air, flying too high, a SAM locked onto it and deploy, deploy!

           The pilot didn’t deploy.

           He was out.

           That stupid idiot was out!

           Rooster took a hit, jet blowing into irreparable pieces, but she saw his chute in the air.

           Alive, at least, she hoped.

[lonleygirl222]

I never knew it he say would come that I would finally have enough to be done with my marriage. Being together for a long time and married for 11 years we had our fair share of many downs like any other marriage. A lot of what people supported me for and a lot of people who didn’t. I supported myself in that moment but after filled with guilt.

Over the years I was told that I didn’t have to be impressed anymore, I simply went undated, unloved, unseen. Supported but I didn’t feel like I was a wife. I saw a video that a woman who was married to a man she wanted him to do things (date her, praise her, show love to her, comment on her). But then he left the woman for another and did all those things to her that his wife wanted him to do.

I hate to be this person to admit this, but I have low self esteem. I was never told I was beautiful growing up and don’t get me wrong I was a pretty baby/ little girl. But as my adult life kicked in and had two kids I feel like after I had them the universe punished me. I don’t feel beautiful because my spouse never told me that on a regular basis. I hate the way I look, my hair, body literally I hate everything about myself.

When I spoke something to my spouse about what an issue was it went ignored. He didn’t and never took into account that I was feeling some type of way. I think I was starting to fade away around those times. Not being heard, not caring about my feelings.

The thing that hurt the most is seeing him make comments (flirtatious comments) on other women’s photos. When I confront him I get such a narcissistic response, and he tries to justify that what he did was okay & not a form of cheating.

I’m that incredibly insecure about myself to be so upset that he can make those comments on as he stated “strangers” but not his wife then, It finally dawned on me that I’m not his type.. I stopped feeling loved by him when he stopped dating me. We have kids two and we moved to a place where we have no one.

Things I wanted to do with him he selfishly thinks of himself and wants to go to a show but doesn’t want to fix the issue I SEE. I’ve begged this man to love me, sending him things that I would like. He said he didn’t want to spend money on flowers cool, put some effort into it! He can’t even do that so that shows me he don’t fucking care.

I’m angry, and hurt! I didn’t cry when I told him but he supposedly didn’t hear me when I said I wanted to end things. 😒 as always he doesn’t hear me. I’m so sick of it. 11 years! Gone! And not all because of me either.

[jeremiah-fisher]

you and me,

—a the summer i turned pretty fic starring my first and favourite book boyfriend, jeremiah fisher ♡

「part twenty-eight, reader insert」

My mom always says if I don’t know what to say, I should write. But I hate writing more than anything in the world. It’s the worst. Remember that time I broke my foot because I fell off my skateboard? Worse than that. 

I don’t wanna write but I also know I can’t say this out loud. Especially not to you. 

So this is it. This is me writing it out. 

I love you, Belly. 

And I think I always will. 

You’re my best friend. I like you better than Steven. Better than Conrad. Better than anybody. My favourite part of every summer is you. 

You’re the coolest girl I know. You’re always there for me. I know I can count on you for everything. 

I don’t know if you love me back, but I hope you do. I really, really hope you do. 

The edges of the paper are torn in an erratic, careless manner. As if he had been desperate to rip it out of his notebook when he gave it to her that day.

It’s not mine. It’s never been mine. But I keep it tucked away in my drawer–beneath my undergarments where no one will go searching–like it is. Like it’s really mine. Like he wrote it for me and not for her. So selfishly, maybe moronically, I can believe he’s in love with me and not with her. 

I don’t keep it with me because I want to. I didn’t even see it because I wanted to. I didn’t ask for it either. I didn’t have to. Because Belly gave it to me. And I kept it even though I shouldn’t have.

It happened on a Thursday. I remember the day exactly. Nearly every detail of that day is pressed to my memory like a world event. Maybe because it changed my world. Totally threw it off its axis. 

Jeremiah, Steven, and Conrad were on a deep-sea fishing trip with Mr. Fisher and Belly’s dad, Mr. Conklin. It was the last one all the men went on before Mr. Conklin and Laurel decided to end their marriage. That summer was a rocky one for them. 

Belly talked about their silent arguments, and how her dad cried. Steven pretended like it didn’t matter but I knew it hurt him, too. He just didn’t like talking about it with his friends the way Belly did. 

That Thursday, we had the summer house all to ourselves. Even Laurel and Susannah weren’t home. Susannah kissed the tops of our heads before she left with her best friend. She said they were going to see an art show downtown. I think it was Claude Monet. 

Susannah really loves art, especially paintings. Mr. Fisher used to joke that he kept all her paintings hung up in his office. Susannah would shyly argue that he shouldn’t. 

Those moments of them together, those were the only times I ever saw Susannah get shy. It wasn’t in her personality to stammer nor get rosy cheeks. She did around her husband, though. Jeremiah always said he was proud to have parents who were in love.

My own parents were hosting an event that day. A lunch party. It was only for the adults so my mother let me hang out with Belly for the whole day. She didn’t even ask me to help her cook. I just had to clean before the guests arrived and that only took an hour or so. 

Belly said she wasn’t used to it, having girls her age around the summer house. I suppose it was true. Taylor seldom visited, and I spent most of my time with Jeremiah. It hit me then that maybe I’d been neglectful. But then Belly followed up by saying that she preferred it that way because it was normal and she didn’t really hate being alone with the mothers. 

For a large portion of the day, we sat around watching Disney movies and reading gossip from magazines. We didn’t really care about who was spotted kissing whom but it was still fun. We laughed a lot. We laughed so much that snot came out of our noses. 

Around the late afternoon, we decided to make DIY face masks. We did it in Belly’s room because we wanted to listen to music and Belly had a CD player in there. We put on some old Shania Twain, and even though I didn’t really know the words to most of the songs, I still sang along. Belly said my voice was terrible and I agreed even though I was a little offended.

I was laid out on the floor with a pillow under my head and I had a mask made from yogurt and honey on my face and two cucumber circles on my eyes when Belly, almost offhandedly, said, “Jere told me he loves me.” 

I froze. Not that I was doing much moving around prior to that but still. I was struck rock solid by her statement. She had said it in such a mundane way, in a manner which told me she couldn’t care less and that it was normal, simultaneously. Whereas beside her, it felt like my heart was beating its final notes. 

“Oh,” I mumbled quietly, trying to mask the hurt in my voice. “Really?” 

I couldn’t see her but I felt her moving around. Then suddenly, we were on the ground side-by-side. She lifted one of the cucumbers off my eyes which obviously led me to remove the other as well. 

Belly held up a letter in the air above us. Maybe not a letter, per se, but a note. A love note. A confession. 

“He slid this under my door this morning,” she explained as she brought the lined paper closer to both our eyes. “Before the fishing trip. Do you want to read it?” 

“I…” I struggled to find the words. What words? I did not know. I just knew I had to say some aloud before Belly caught on to me. “Are you sure? I mean… it’s for you…” 

“It’s fine,” she replied. “I’m already going to tell him I don't like him that way.”

“O-Oh… okay.” I paused for a moment, and I pretended like it was for her. “Still��� he might feel embarrassed if he knew I read it.” 

“It’s Jere. He’s never embarrassed.” 

And she was right. Jeremiah Fisher wore his heart on his sleeve, and he was always having far too much fun to ever feel ashamed of the choices he made. It was one of the things I loved most about him, especially because it was a trait that often rubbed off on me. I was confident enough on my own but I was a different person, more certain, when I was with him. Because of him. 

Belly read his letter out loud to me. It was short and to the point. Jeremiah wasn’t the type to beat around the bush. When she got to the end, she giggled a little bit and then said, “I wish Conrad would write something like this for me.” I remember thinking she was so selfish for that. For wanting another brother when she already had one. 

I felt jealousy, too. Lots and lots of it. It burned me up inside. I had cold yogurt on my face but I felt like I was on fire. I wanted to leave her room so I could cry. I wanted to rip up that letter then burn it until it was nothing. Most of all, that’s what I wanted to feel–nothing. I wanted to feel nothing for him. Because feeling everything made my heart ache. 

“I’m going to tell him I don’t like him like that tomorrow,” Belly went on. Her expression was full of determination. “I can’t believe he would say this to me. Why did he change everything?” 

I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn’t know what to say. Again, I was perplexed. I had no idea what to do. Although, I knew I had to try. I was worried Belly might read into my silence. “Maybe he just wanted to get it out. He doesn’t like holding his feelings in.” 

“But why did he have to go and get feelings for me?” She huffed. “It would make more sense for him to say this to you.” 

“I…” Once again, I was speechless. I felt like I had forgotten how to think. “That’s not true.” 

Belly nodded like she was certain. “It is. He spends so much time with you. He talks about you so much when you’re not even there.” 

“That’s because we’re friends. That’s what friends do.” 

“Yeah, but Jere’s different with you. Everyone knows it.” Belly hands me my cucumber. “He’s obsessed with you.” 

I almost choked. “That… that’s crazy–” 

“It’s true. And anyway, aren’t you the same? I know you like him.” Belly picked up the letter and dropped it on my stomach. “I think he should have given this to you instead of me.” 

I picked up the letter with shaky fingers, as if it was on fire. It was the last thing I wanted to do. “This is yours, Belly.”

Belly shrugged and laid back down. Her honey mask was starting to drip down her chin. “If I keep it, it’ll be weird. I don’t see him that way.” 

“But he still wrote this for you…” 

Belly placed two cucumber slices on her own eyelids. “You can just throw it away, if you want. That’s what I was gonna do. I don’t think he’d want it back.” 

On my way out of her room that evening, when the boys and the dads were lugging their things in from the front door, I almost did throw it away. I couldn’t understand why Belly had given it to me. It felt like she was pouring salt in the wound. 

But I didn’t. I didn’t throw it away. I kept it. I folded it up and pushed it inside my jean shorts and I watched Jeremiah grin at me from the driveway. I couldn’t smile the same way back but I tried. The weight of his love note in my pocket kept pulling my lips down. 

. . . 

In just over a week, Skittles has gotten really chubby. He’s a little fluff ball now and I can’t stop staring at him. I also can’t stop feeding him. I keep having to make trips to the pet store to buy him food. The pet store lady, Myrah, even told me it’s unhealthy but I can’t seem to stop. I really like to see how excited he is to eat. 

Besides, there isn’t much to do these days. Not when I’m grounded.

After the fiasco of staying out past curfew twice in the same week, keeping a hamster, and not answering my phone, my parents have deemed me unfit to have a social life. 

The only positive note is that they didn’t make me give Skittles away. My mother said it was because he’d die soon anyway. She said it with such a straight face that you’d have thought she was talking about the weather. 

The thought of Skittles dying made me feel ill so I pretended like it was never going to happen. Maybe it’s not the right thing to do nor the sanest, but I’m sure most people with pets do the same. 

“Hey, Skittles,” I call out to my hamster as I run my fingers over his cage. “What do you think I should make for dinner?” Skittles merely stares in response. “Right, I should go check out what we have in the fridge first.” 

Downstairs, I flip on all the lights I walk past. The house is completely dark at half past nine. Usually, it wouldn’t be. Dad always watches the sports channel at nine. But he’s not home right now, and neither is my mother. 

They left hours ago. Precisely five. They didn’t tell me where they were going. Never do. They also took my phone with them, and although I could have just snuck out while they were gone, I didn’t know if I had the mental strength to do it. 

After the party last night, I’m not really sure how to move forward. I don’t know where I stand with my best friend. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Or if he’s thinking about me at all. Not like the way I can’t stop thinking about him. 

In front of the smart fridge, I click on the FRESH GROCERIES icon. The screen emits an image which shows me all the fruits, vegetables, dairy products, and meat inside. There are four tomatoes, a couple stalks of celery, some jalapeno peppers, a bag of tangerines, pre-sliced red onions, a carton of milk, sour cream, and minced beef. 

“Okay,” I say to myself, “nacho night?” A smile tugs at my lips as I think about the last time I made the dish and how delicious it was. It was on a school night and my mother was already asleep because she had a headache. I ate so many nachos that night that I lost count. Dad even joined me for a bit and we watched a soccer game on TV. “Definitely nacho night!”

With that plan in mind, I busy myself with the task of clearing out the counter. The remnants of lunch have stained the marble to the point where I’m a little fearful the spots won’t come out. My mother had delegated the job of clean-up to me hours ago but I put it in the back of my mind for later. And with later being now, I’m worried I might get in even more trouble. 

To my luck, I find a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser under the sink cupboard which handles the job pretty neatly. It occurs to me halfway through cleaning that I may as well have left the mess until after I made another one with my dinner preparations. I don’t let myself feel stupid for it, though. I’ve got far too many other thoughts flooding my brain.

Once I’ve pulled all the ingredients out on the sparkling counter, I turn around to rummage through the lower cabinets for a big skillet. I set it on the stove and throw in some olive oil. I let the oil simmer for a minute or so while I dice my two onions. Then I saute them the way my mother taught me a long time ago, careful of the placement of my fingers and hands so I don’t burn myself, then lower the heat. Shortly after, I drain my can of black beans and add it to the same skillet. I add in some tomatoes, chiles, and spices. The aroma of cumin, chipotle, and garlic powder makes my stomach croak with hunger. I’m basically salivating for the food that still needs time to cook. 

Over on the counter, I line my mother’s old baking sheet that she bought even before I was born with parchment paper. I spread a thick layer of tortilla chips over the baking sheet then set it aside so I can shred my cheese. To me, this is the worst part of making the dish. I hate shredding cheese. It’s annoying and scary because I’ve cut myself on the grater a few times in the past. 

Amid the first couple of motions of my hand moving a block of Colby-Jack up and down, a clamour of feet rushing down the staircase seizes my heart. Instantly, I drop the cheese and pick up the Chef’s Knife sitting idly next to my diced Roma tomatoes. Unless Skittles found a way to escape his cage, I should not be hearing any noises in the house other than my own breathing. 

Careful and silent, I clutch the knife tight in my right hand and walk to the edge of the kitchen. From there, I can peek my head around the corner and catch the culprit. I don’t know what I’ll do if he has a gun but I know I can’t just wait around for him to find me. 

The rapid pounding of my heart in my ears nearly makes it impossible for me to gauge other sounds. Even the noise of shuffling feet which eventually make it towards me. I don’t think. I simply do. I throw out my arm and start slashing, my knife moving every which way. 

“Oh, fuck!” 

The thunderous burst of anguish which flows from the other’s mouth forces me to drop my knife in a flash. It emits a resonating clang as it meets the surface of the tiles. I look up in alarm, and what I see makes my heart kick into gear due to a different kind of pain. 

Jeremiah stands in front of me with blood gushing from his palm. The palm he must have used to fend off my lunacy. The blood drips off the corners of his skin and lands on the ground next to the knife.

“Shit, oh my God!” I holler. I speed close, panic in my bloodstream. “I’m so sorry!” 

My best friend snaps his gaze to me. His eyes find mine in locked in remorse. He manages to find the strength to show off a smile. “At least I know you can sorta protect yourself against a home invader.” 

“Dickhead,” I curse, slapping his shoulder. He winches from the impact and I feel bad again. His entire body must be freaking out about his cut the same way I am. “You scared me! Announce yourself next time!” 

“I was going to,” he tries, his tone crested on a chuckle. “Before you decided to go Freddy Krueger on me!” 

“I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t snuck into my house at night, you lunatic!” 

“I was worried!” 

“About what?!” 

“About you!” 

“Why?!” 

“Because your phone was off and I didn’t hear from you all day!” As the words depart his lips, more blood leaks down his hand creating a pool on the floor. “Fuck, this hurts so bad,” he groans.

I grab his hand and drag him to the sink. I turn on the faucet and set it on high so the water rains down like Niagara Falls. With one hand, I hold him as gently as possible and with the other, I use my fingers to wash his wound. The blood continues to ooze out for a minute and I watch with bated breath. I don’t know what I’ll do if we have to go to the hospital. Jeremiah hates hospitals more than anywhere else in the world. He once said that when his wife gives birth, he’ll watch the delivery from Skype. 

When the cut finally stops bleeding as much, I wrap a paper towel around it and place a hand on his cheek. My brows cinch together. “Do you feel weak? Are you dizzy? Should I call 911?” 

Jeremiah grins into my palm. Then he surprises me by pressing a kiss to the inside of it. I blush, but stay quiet. The number of emotions floating in my heart right now are taunting me. “I’m cool,” he replies. “Bandage me up, Doc?” 

“That’s usually a nurse’s job,” I tease. Jeremiah reaches out with his other hand to tickle my stomach. I’m laughing as I reach into the kitchen drawer to pull out a first aid kit. I dab up the last of the blood oozing out of the cut, apply ointment, then bind it with the largest Band-Aid I can find. Softly, I run my thumb over the gauze. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” I whisper, and I hope he understands that I’m apologizing for a lot more than today.

He reaches out to ruffle my hair. It stuns me. When he touches my hair, it’s almost always to push it back behind my ear. Half the time I’m with him, I leave my hair open so he’ll do just that. “Chill, Daisy. I’m fine.” Jeremiah sniffs the air. “Are those nachos I smell?”

I swallow the lump in my throat and point a thumb towards the stove. “Yeah, late dinner.” 

“Great. I’m starving.” 

Jeremiah makes himself at home on the counter. He grabs a breakfast chair then picks up morsels of cheese to drop into his mouth. “Mm, cheese,” he grins like a little kid. “Want me to help?” He asks, already inching towards the cheese grater. 

I pull it away from him. “No way! I’ll do it. You can just spread the bean sauce on the nachos.” 

The two of us get to work fixing dinner. We don’t do it quietly, of course, because that wouldn’t be us. Jeremiah asks me why I haven’t been answering his messages and I tell him my parents took my phone. Technically, it’s in my mother’s closet but I don’t tell him that. I know he’ll say we should go and get it and I’m not in the mood to take that trip right now. 

As I’m placing the baking sheet full of nachos into the oven, I ask him, “Why’d you come over?” 

“I already told you,” he answers, chewing on a leftover tomato. “I was worried you got kidnapped or something.” 

I chuckle and ask, “And who would kidnap me in Cousins?”

“Loads of people.” 

“Yeah? Like who?” 

“Me. I’d kidnap you and make you do my laundry.” 

I groan, unamused. “I hate doing laundry.” 

Jeremiah grins, totally pleased. “I know.” He spins on his chair once to glance around the house. “Where are your parents?” 

“Out trying to come up with more ways to confuse me about their relationship,” I mumble. I realize the moment of truth has arrived. “They’re getting divorced.” 

Jeremiah swallows as the words seep into his understanding. He doesn’t look phased. Almost as if he already knew. Although he covers it up hastily with a beat of shock. It seems rehearsed because the emotion doesn’t sit authentically on his face. His lips are downturned but his eyes are soft, and knowing. “I’m sorry,” he says. 

“What for? It’s not my relationship,” I shrug. I begin cleaning the counter. “It’s weird, though. They were so in love. Even after Esme got pregnant in high school, they didn’t fight. Not a lot anyway. They don’t even fight that much now. But they’re still splitting up as far as I know.” I stop rubbing the counter with my nakin where the tomato juice landed to inquire, “Do you think every relationship has a limit? Like, no matter how in love you are with someone, eventually, it’ll stop being enough and you’ll break up?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe.” 

We sit in silence for a minute, and that is strange for us. For two extroverts, silence is disconcerting. 

Not wanting to plague myself with thoughts about my parents anymore, I bring up another bitter topic. “Can we talk…? About last night?” 

Jeremiah folds his lips in and nods. His voice comes out impatient and grim as he asks, “Are you gonna apologize for kissing me?”

“It won’t happen again,” I hurry to explain–to defend–myself. “It was stupid of me to do it in the first place. Both times.” 

It’s laggard, the way he lifts his eyes to mine. They appear empty, almost sunken in. “Why was it stupid?” 

“Because we’re just friends.” 

He blinks. Once, twice, three times. “Just friends don’t kiss each other like that.” 

“It’s not like you’ve ever kissed me first,” I mumble, sounding so humiliating to myself. I feel the tips of my ears flame up. “I guess it was just my curiosity.” I lighten the pressure behind my eyes before looking at him again. The best way to get myself out of his colossal mess is to laugh and joke my way out. It’s worked innumerable times before. “All the girls you’ve made out with have crazy stories about you. I think I just wanted to see for myself.” I let out a sigh, smiling as much as I’m able to. “But it’s like you said, you’re not just some guy. You’re my best friend. It wouldn’t make sense for us.” 

“What wouldn’t make sense for us?”

I twirl a hand around in the air. “Being together or whatever.” 

Jeremiah seems to hold his breath as he asks, “Why?” 

“Because it’s too familiar.” Because you’re in love with someone else. I’d only be the safe choice. “We know each other too well. There wouldn’t be any… passion. It’d be like kissing family.” My face scrunches up in disgust. “That mental image is going to haunt me forever. Ew.” 

“So you see me as family?” 

No. Not exactly.

“Well… yeah. Don’t you see me as a sister?” 

Jeremiah’s eyes are dead set on me. “We look nothing alike.” 

“Sure, we do.” I stick out my hand for his unwounded one. I smack our palms together. “Our hands are in a similar shape. Look, even our nails grow the same way.” I’m clutching at nothing, I know this. But I have to do it for the sake of my own sanity. “Okay, so maybe one of us is adopted or something.” I try to laugh but he doesn’t join me. I poke his arm. “Come on, Jere-Bear, gimme a smile.” 

He looks at me, gaze unwavering. The atmosphere of the room darkens a feather. “Promise me,” he starts. “Promise me you’ll never kiss me again.” 

His request storms my mind. It’s a tsunami, a torrential downpour of complex emotions surging my senses. Behind the counter, my knees sting with the agony of what he’s asking. What it means for now and the future. He has no idea what he’s taking away from me, and I know how selfish I am for wanting it in the first place. 

Hesitation fills my lungs. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to promise him something I don’t want. 

Jeremiah stretches his arm out across the counter, the one metre long distance between us. He holds his pinky in the air. “Promise me,” he says. His eyes, the ocean and the sky–they’re blank. A barren sea and pallid sky. 

In my ears, waves crash against the shore. I take myself to my heaven on Earth, and I bury myself there so that the physical me, the me without her soul, can lock her pinky with his and seal our promise for infinity.

[malvolios-yellow-stockings]

Some thoughts on the final two episodes and why what happened had to happen because they weren’t ready to be in love your honour

disclaimer - did i basically just describe the plot of episodes 9 and 10 without much analysis, yes i did, but this is self-care so it doesn’t count

After becoming coherent again, after processing what happened in episodes 9 and 10, I can safely say 

Guys, guys, this needed to happen.

This right here ↑, this was never going to work. Stede and Ed have both been desperately trying not to deal with their past one way or another.

Both of them have shame and guilt over it (relating to themselves, each other and other people as well). And terrible amounts of self-loathing and self-doubt that make them unable to deal with their problems in a healthy way also dwell in both of them.

Don't get me wrong, these two are definitely in love, but to me it seems to be a „meeting the right person at the right time, they change each other’s lives but neither of them is emotionally ready for a relationship yet“ kind of situation.

Let me explain what I mean in a semi-coherent way (which means throwing my brainrot at the walls of my atrophied analytical brain and seeing what even remotely sticks, you have been warned):

Let’s go over their pasts real quick

So, we know Stede has been in a sense traumatized, made fun of and humiliated for being a weak-hearted, soft-handed, lily-livered little rich boy, in his father's words, since his childhood. Where every act of kindness and unwillingness to be cruel just meant he wasn't a proper man. Where him picking flowers as a kid resulted in being bullied and his hands being tied to oars with rope, being made to row across a lake (river?) while the other kids threw rocks at him.

The society he grew up in has never really appreciated his eccentricities, but has made him extremely insecure in himself to the point of believing there's something wrong with him, that he really is weak, a monster who destroys everything he touches because he is just unlovable and a burden.

  ↑  from episode 1

my dear brother

your own family

↑  from episode 9

And when Badminton (the balding one who says he doesn’t pay much attention to the fact his twin had more hair although he totally does) says this to Stede's face - Stede Bonnet is not a human, he validates every deepest fear and hatred Stede has for himself, every single doubt he has ever had.

And the worst of it all:

God's perfect little rich boy

And this is where he completely breaks down

He believes he ruined Ed, that Ed will be so much better off without him. And we know, from the way he reacts to Ed's plan and the way he reacted to Ed's perceived calmness in the Royal Privateering Academy before that, that the doubt of what he has done to Ed is finally settling in. Stede hates himself and he carries that hatred 24/7.

Stede has always wanted to feel accepted, to belong, to feel his thoughts and opinions matter to someone, that there must be someone willing to listen to him and respect him. He left his wife and kids because he felt like a burden, which doesn't really justify his selfish actions but does make them understandable, sincerely believing his disappearance would be better for them (even if he used that as another excuse to leave and to make himself feel better about the decision). But there's almost no point in time where he doesn't regret his decisions, especially when he's at his most vulnerable. Although he acts selfishly quite a lot, and displays either naivety or unwillingness to process the consequences his actions have on others, he still cannot help but feel deep guilt over what he did to his family by fucking off to the sea and abandoning them "on a whim". He feels responsible for that.

So when Badminton dies after making him completely crumble, of course he reverts back to his old life, wanting to forget Ed. He thinks Ed will be better off without him, that he has somehow made Ed weak like himself. But he also feels like Ed will realise everything Badminton had previously said to him is true, and it's better to run away than ruin something directly, by being himself, the parts of himself he cannot change and the parts the society he grew up in has ostracized him for (I believe, that at this stage, Stede hasn’t fully realized that Ed likes and „understands his idiosyncrasies“). I think that fear of Ed "seeing through" him and finding nothing but a spoiled, weak man also propels Stede to do what he does, and that is to run away (or back, I guess, to his wife and kids with an excuse, while also trying to make himself sincerely believe, that he’s doing this to make things better with them, to reconcile and correct his past mistakes) because as Stede has said himself - he's a coward. Both for leaving Mary and the kids, and now for leaving Ed.

Fun, now onto Ed. So, Ed isn’t the primary main character in season 1, he gets fully introduced a few episodes in. We also don’t know much of his backstory. There are a few incredibly important character moments for Ed, an in many ways, his narrative can seem incredibly similar and also incredibly different to Stede’s. As I’ve already mentioned, the things that link them together are the shame, guilt, self-doubt and self-loathing they experience. The boredom Stede feels before he runs off to become a pirate and the lethargy we find Ed in while Stede is recovering from his stab wound.

The first bit of his childhood we learn of is when the crew prepare their first „fuckery“ and the mythical Kraken gets reintroduced (first time obviously being the traumatic memory Ed disguises as a cool monster story he tells to the crew). (Holy shit, that part when Ed falls down and retreats visibly upset is so fucking sad).

The display reinvigorates Ed’s memory and Stede witnesses his distress. He reveals to Stede he was the one who killed his father, to protect his mother and himself. The thing is, Ed struggles with the fear of being unlovable as much as Stede does. He has grown up in violence and poverty, using ruthlessness as the only way to get by and to survive the harsh conditions in which he lives. He has been brought up on violence, he’s enacted it, and he remains haunted by the memory of strangling his father, and has not directly been the cause of another’s death after that but has always outsourced the job to someone else (mostly Izzy presumably, but many others as we see in the scene where he tries to learn to dine). He is driven to feel unworthy of love and kindness because of his past behaviour, like there is something fundamentally wrong with him. While Stede hates himself because of his perceived weakness and soft-heartedness, Ed, on the other side of the same coin, feels ultimately unfixable because he considers himself to be violent. Still, he doesn’t go through killing Stede, instead growing even more attached to him. Stede, who is one of the first people who has shown him kindness and friendship, gentleness, and the man to whom he has introduced himself as just ’Ed’, not mentioning he is Blackbeard until later.

And throughout their developing relationship, while Stede learns about pirating, Ed’s change is more fundamental, Stede’s kindness is „rubbing off on him“. Calico Jack returning brings out some of the carelessness and rudeness from Ed Stede hasn’t seen before and the whole episode proves a challenge to the question of Ed’s nature. Seemingly, his self-doubt, and trauma-born (or at least informed) Blackbeard persona come back, Ed ready to leave with Jack. But as he finds out Stede is in danger, all of that goes into the water as he tries to get back to The Revenge in time, while Jack is baffled to realize Ed considers Stede his friend. Ed is beginning to shed Blackbeard as the only facet of his personality more and more.

So, when the big disaster™ happens, much like Stede’s biggest fears are awoken by Badminton, Ed’s deepest insecurities of being unlovable and outright evil are, in his mind, confirmed, when he waits the whole night for Stede and Stede doesn’t come. I think that deep fear is the reason why Ed doesn’t even consider Stede might be dead, not trying to search for Stede, thinking „of course he doesn’t love me, even at my most vulnerable, most kind, most Ed, he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t even know Blackbeard like others do and I’m still not enough, I’m not good enough, I’ll never be, I’m broken and I don’t deserve to be happy“. So he goes. And cutting someone out of your life is hard this time, it’s not Izzy or Calico Jack, even though he is attached to them, it’s Stede, the first person he allowed himself to fall in love with and the man who has changed him.

Now we go to The big disaster™ 

The big disaster™ hits because of a few things, but I’ll focus on the two I think are the main reason(s?). Stede and Ed aren’t on the same page when it comes to their relationship to their respective pasts. Both are held down by them, but Ed (thinks) he’s ready to move on while Stede still feels some form of regret and need to see his (previous) family again. Ed, it seems, doesn’t get that, and wildly suggests China which scares Stede even more, the whole „leave everyone behind to be together and create new identities“ thing. It pulls Stede even more back to his past. He is confronted with what he has done to Mary and we get this little flashback I think is important.

Now, obviously, this flashback can take on a completely different context and meaning to Stede, Mary and their relationship in episode 10, but in episode 9, right after Ed suggests going to China, Stede realizes he cannot do that, he feels he doesn’t deserve it because of what he’s done to Mary and their children. So while I’ve seen others suggest this expression Stede is wearing is one of complete adoration for Ed and belief in his plan, I suggest this – this is the moment Stede becomes more determined to go back to Mary and kids, and the face he makes really looks like he’s second-guessing himself and Ed, it’s the continuation of his doubt while becoming aware of what him leaving Ed in that moment might do to him although not completely understanding the scope of what will actually happen to Ed. In other news, Stede doesn’t actually take his own advice to talk about his feelings.

After The big disaster™ strikes and the parallels

I’ve already written about what happens directly to Stede and Ed, now let’s talk about the character evolution/devolution aspect of it all and what flips them over.

As episode 10 moves along we see Stede devolving and relapsing into this old life, still a shoe that doesn’t quite fit, Stede trying to make it happen at all cost. Him being a pretty terrible husband, he and Mary, as Mary says, „can’t seem to stop hurting each other“.

Meanwhile, Ed is taking the heartbreak harshly, obviously, and through a bit of Lucius’ help, he expresses his feeling, trying to get over it in the way Stede has taught him. He even dresses in Stede’s clothes, to comfort himself and to take on Stede’s management style for just a bit. He’s becoming more comfortable with appearing feminine, expressing himself, opening himself up to others and listening to their feelings too, something he hasn’t quite done before. He’s experiencing his first real heartbreak, and even though Stede’s a massive dick for leaving him, his advice and the way he’s changed Ed are currently helping Ed heal.

Then shit hits the fan and flips the scenarios big time. Why? Because of the people Stede and Ed have surrounded themselves with and deemed important, people who have, for better of worse, been a part of their lives for years and possibly decades.

And these two people, who flip the switch, couldn’t be any more different – Mary and Izzy. Neither likes what they see in front of them, both want to return to their „normal“ lives by dealing with the person who’s making that a difficulty. But, Mary has found love in Doug, is loved by her community, friends, and children and has a blossoming painting career while Izzy wants to return to ruthlessness, pirating and generally being a stinky little bastard git a piece of shit. Mary wants to have kindness and happiness in her life, while Izzy wants that eliminated. So, they obviously have different ways of dealing with Stede/Ed.

After a failed murder attempt (girlboss), Mary and Stede talk things through, realizing they absolutely do not belong together. Mary helps him finally understand what being in love feels like, something he hasn’t felt before and therefore hadn’t known how to recognize, and he tells her - „His name is Ed“.

To finally grant himself and Mary the freedom they both deserve, Stede uses the knowledge Ed has passed onto him, to create a „fuckery“ and fake his own death, ready to get back to Ed.

No specific reason why I put this in, I just think the whole scene with Stede faking his death is really entertaining.

Meanwhile, Ed’s healing is interrupted by Izzy pushing him more and more into becoming Blackbeard again, insulting him at every step. While Mary has uncovered the man underneath Stede and helped him, Izzy has uncovered Ed instead of Blackbeard and he fucking hates Ed.

Izzy doesn’t want Ed, he doesn’t see Ed, he only sees his captain as Blackbeard. He rips out a page Blackbeard has explicitly made fun of in Stede’s presence well before they became as close as they were, and shoves it in Ed’s face, solidifying the fact that Izzy has never really understood the man underneath Blackbeard.

After this, due to many factors, being emotionally distressed after being left by a man he was in love with being one of the biggest ones obviously, Ed reverts back to his coping mechanism, something he has built for survival, but this time, it’s an entirely different beast, not Blackbeard – the Kraken. The beginning of this is symbolized by two actions – the throwing away of his red fabric which has become a stand-in for Ed’ heart and the raising of the new flag with a heart being stabbed through.

Three things that directly portray him coming to „the dark side“ are throwing Lucius overboard (Lucius was a crew member Ed was closest to, whom he confided in and was also the least oblivious to the feelings Stede and Ed had/have for each other, so interpret that as you wish, although I’m pretty sure Lucius is unkillable, bless him), cutting Izzy’s pinky and making him eat it (a parallel to the scene where he is ready to leave this all behind for Stede, when he tells him about „making people eat their toes for fun“ which makes Stede react, reasonably, in disgust, so I interpret this as Ed trying hard to distance Stede from himself as drastically as possible) and leaving Stede’s crew, „Bonnet’s playthings“ as he calls them (notice the shift from using Stede’s name to his surname), to die on a small „island“. His transformation is apparently, assumedly complete. He is donning a mask he has used to survive this long.

Closing thoughts A.K.A. It’s going to be alright

While Stede's journey is more focused on him grappling with heteronormativity and what he thinks he ought to do, Ed grapples with toxic masculinity (Blackbeard, in my opinion, being a real part of Ed, not a performance, a fractured image of himself he used in order to survive, the only way he knew how, and the Kraken being an exaggerated, almost parody performance of Blackbeard, taken to the extreme, as I’ve written beforehand) and what/who he is. Although this is obviously simplified.

In the end of episode 10, the season finale, we see Stede accepting himself, realising he cannot fit into the upper-class bubble he has tried "correcting" himself into. He finally accepts his feelings for Ed and what they mean for both of them, taking what Ed has taught him with him on the journey, determined to make things right again. On the other hand, the last shot of Ed we get isn't that of the ruthless Kraken, but of Ed himself, heartbroken, crying, alone, trying to exorcise every trace of Stede, reminded of what happened as he looks at the lighthouse painting, the only thing he has presumably kept of Stede’s, we see that the Kraken is something he is trying to "correct" himself into, although it seems not to be working.

Stede is finally starting to accept himself and he had his closure with Mary, now it's Ed's turn.

It’s all going to be okay and CHEERS TO SEASON 2 Y’ALL!!! 🌈 🏴‍☠️

did i basically just describe the plot of episodes 9 and 10 without much analysis, yes i did, but this is self-care so it doesn’t count, i apologize to anyone who has read this

[jemmo]

ive been thinking a lot about the handcuffs metaphor, especially everything that happens after they fall into that ravine. because at the start of the ep the handcuffs were such a point of frustration for them, they literally pulled away from each other trying to go in opposite directions but couldn’t. they were made to go together. and note how porsche tries so hard to get his way by proposing best of 5 in rock paper scissors but ultimately kinn wins. and then the handcuffs become such a non-issue, it doesn’t matter that they’re tied to each other, bc they’re ok with it. the handcuffs slip away, you don’t notice them bc they don’t either.

but after they fall, and porsche is getting so frustrated trying to climb out, he curses them. he focuses on them again and curses them, curses the fact they’re tied together. and i think that was a turning point for kinn, because yes they can get along fine being tied together like this, being forced to be together, just how porsche is forced to look after kinn, forced to be in his life, porsche can deal with it fine, to the point they can almost pretend they aren’t there by force. but at some point it’s gonna rear it’s ugly head, they’re gonna get frustrated with the fact they can’t leave, not even for a second, not even to breathe. being forced to be with someone you love and care about can still lead to resentment, to seeing that person as a burden, and kinn doesn’t want that, doesn’t want porsche to see him like that. so in that moment he tries to calm him, says it helped them get to know each other, which it did. but again, that can be the foundation of their relationship, but they can’t be physically tied or tied by obligation forever. that’s not a relationship that can last.

and I think it’s kinda funny that Porsche doesn’t see this meaning in the handcuffs but kinn does, bc porsche is so in the moment as a person, and it’s so easy and default of him to see the handcuffs as something they just need to get past for survival. that’s why he proposes cutting off a hand, but for kinn this is just another display of how much he wants to be free, how much he’d sacrifice to be free of him. and remember rock paper scissors from before??? now it’s not a fight to win, now it’s porsche letting kinn win. he proposes the bodyguard rule and he loses for kinn. and when kinn is holding that knife in his hand, and he’s faced with the fact that this man would cut off a part of him to be free of him, he can’t do it. bc it’s not just losing a hand, it’s the fact that porsche will slowly lose so many parts of himself if he stays, he will hurt, not just physically, but that happiness, that spark inside him, that can die too. kinn knows, he’s probably seen it happen to so many people, probably knows it happened to him. so knowing he holds the power, knowing all along he could’ve opened them handcuffs and set him free, knowing any moment he could send porsche back to a life that is hard but will not crush his spirit, won’t leave him broken and bruised and not himself, he can’t let him do it. he can’t selfishly hold on. it’s watch porsche ruin and break in front of his eyes or it’s let him go.

and ultimately kinn is a good man. he’s been made to play a villain, but that goodness in him is still there, and porsche has dragged it to the surface. he could’ve easily stayed as kinn the boss, kinn the leader, kept porsche by his side, been selfish. but what’s better, being the bad guy and getting what you want, or being the good guy and losing everything you’ve ever wanted? bc if kinn knows how to do something, ironically, as someone with all these people that would give up their lives for him, it’s sacrifice. he sacrifices himself to be the man his father wants him to be, and he sacrifices all his hopes of love and happiness by letting porsche go. bc he’s a good man, even when that goodness kills him.

[maoam]

WHY HINATA IS NOT A GOOD CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

I wanted to take a deeper look at Hinata’s character, considering there are a lot of claims about her out there, that she’s strong, that she’s kind, that she’s complex and relatable, that she’s the perfect woman and that she’s at least better than Sakura. I don’t really think so, and I’ll explain why. I’ll be focusing on canon, so no fillers or novels will be included in this post. I’ll say this as a warning, if you’re a fan of her character this probably won’t be something you’ll like. This will be tagged with the anti tags and put under read more so please do not complain if tumblr somehow puts this in the normal tags, it is not intentional. Also Sakura stans please don’t write lengthy comments about Sakura under this, I’m not a fan of her either and I’ll write about her later. Make your own post instead.

”HINATA IS STRONG AND THE BEST KUNOICHI”

Hinata is generally really bad as a shinobi and I’m not sure where the claims that she is strong come from. Hinata's entire character revolves around her being weak. This could have been fine if she actually developed, or if she found some other area for herself, yet she's mediocre at best and a waste of panels at worst, because she never becomes good or strong at anything. She’s not only physically weak from start to finish, but she’s also the equivalent of a damsel in distress. Everytime Hinata attempts to do something, she ends up failing, getting beaten up and having to be saved. She lost to her sister who is five years younger than her, which is what marked her as a failure in her clan. She tried to fight Neji in the chunin exams and ended up coughing up blood and losing her consciousness, and Naruto had to beat Neji for her. After Kabuto heals her fully, she spends the rest of part 1 either sleeping or missing in action. Very underwhelming.

If this had been only the beginning, it would have maybe been fine, but it’s a reoccuring pattern with her character. She throws herself in front of Pain, managing to do nothing but get one-paneled and almost killed. Even at the start of the war she had to be saved by Naruto. She tried to run to Naruto and tripped over a rock. Actually, she’s so weak she got Neji killed, when he had to jump in front of her so she wouldn’t get impaled. Why is she even in the front lines when she can’t fight? Even in Naruto the Last movie she had to be saved multiple times. In Boruto the movie she is still useless and reckless, leaving her daughter’s side to help Naruto, ending up defeated and having to be healed by Sakura once again.

I can’t say she’s mentally strong either. She has the personality of someone who hates conflict and tries to avoid it as best as they can, to the point of agreeing with others on everything, as Neji pointed out. Even without him saying it out loud, most of Hinata’s moments that aren’t her thinking about Naruto are her doing exactly this. This is not the personality of someone who is strong mentally. It’s the personality of someone who is too weak to have their own mind, someone who will go with the flow and is easily led and convinced. It can be dangerous the more you think about it. Hinata is also the bystander who never stands up for Naruto despite liking and admiring him. If she’s a compassionate girl, why isn’t she showing this by reaching out to Naruto and befriending him? Why doesn’t she show he’s not alone? Why is she only drawing inspiration from him? I don’t normally watch fillers, but there was one filler scene unrelated to Hinata where this girl says if you only look at the loser and do nothing, you aren’t much better than the oppressors, which probably wasn’t meant to be a call out for Hinata, but ended up being so anyway. Another thing that’s annoying is how she is berating herself often, yet doing nothing, it comes off as self-pity. Even in the Last movie, she is talking about how she must be a bad sister for knitting a scarf when her sister is in danger. Then why are you doing it and not stopping? Of course everytime this happens Naruto must cheer her up because she just can’t stop moping around and doing something herself.

Aside from all this, from the very beginning Hinata’s honor needed to be defended by Naruto because she couldn’t stand up for herself. Of course, after Naruto’s words she did stood up for a moment, and that was good, but it should have been a wake up call which altered her course. Instead, she kept doing the same she always did. If we take the Last movie into consideration, she’s still not strong enough to do anything even about her crush on Naruto. She needs genjutsu and Sakura to do the work for her. So even when it comes to the only thing she cares about 90 % of the time, which is Naruto-kun, she can’t do anything about it. That’s really sad.

”HINATA IS KIND AND SELFLESS”

There’s one mistake I see people make often, and that’s assuming characters that are quiet and shy are automatically kind. I wouldn’t say Hinata is as kind as the fandom makes her out to be. She simply comes off that way because you don’t really see her have her own opinions or disagree with the other characters. Hinata’s shyness on the other hand is most of the time a fetishized quirk to appeal to certain subset of fans. Her shyness doesn’t stop her from taking exams or hanging around Shino and Kiba, or talking to characters other than Naruto. She also has enough attitude to rub Neji’s status as a house slave in his face during their match, but because she stutters Naruto-kun every five minutes she’s supposedly kind. Kindness is shown through actions, not through standing around and stuttering. For comparison, we see Ino befriend an unpopular kid like Sakura, and give her confidence. That’s an act of kindness. Did Hinata ever cared about helping the branch members in any way? No.

She's supposedly "kind" but like I mentioned before she never shows this kindness by standing up for Naruto, or reaching out to him. She simply stares at him behind a tree and draws inspiration from his suffering. The only time she can actually stand up is to selfishly confess her love and die. She even said she felt like being selfish, and like I said she knew there was nothing she could do, she was told she’d only be in the way. She came there only to confess and commit suicide. This actually reminds me of another anime where this female character, after being unable to receive a male character’s love killed herself in front of him and said ”now you’ll never forget me”.

In the end, she cares about nothing but her own hormonal urges. Hinata tried to help Naruto cheat to pass an exam at the risk of disqualifying her whole team. This is the first individual action we see her character take. Did she consider Shino and Kiba during that moment? No, she didn’t even have an inner conflict on whether she should do this, whether it’s right towards her teammates. Even Naruto considers he might get Hinata, Sasuke and Sakura all in trouble if he accepts Hinata’s offer, which is why he doesn’t do it. Then when Hinata wonders if she can cheer for Naruto during his and Kiba’s match, she thinks Kiba might get mad. It’s more about how Kiba views her rather than whether she should cheer for Kiba because they are in the same team and should support each other. During the Pain attack, she left an injured shinobi, who couldn’t move, to go to Naruto, even when said shinobi told her she would only be in Naruto’s way. She didn’t try to save people, she simply wanted to confess and act in front of Naruto. This is about a threat to the entire village, which includes her comrades and her sister and she’s thinking only about her romantic feelings towards a guy she had maybe two conversations with and who barely remembers she exists. How is she better than Sakura? War arc really was the icing on the cake that Hinata’s character is only about Naruto. We should not forget the infamous ”Naruto-kun’s hand is so big… so manly...” is that really the right time to be thirsty? When Neji just died? Shikamaru mentions that he could help out Naruto as a right-hand man and then Hinata thinks “I-I want to be by Naruto-kun’s side too.” Then there’s of course the scene where she starts running to Naruto, leaving her post and teammates, even when Naruto is a mile away and already in the hands of medical ninjas, and even that ends up her pathetically tripping over a rock. Kiba has to remind her to use her byakugan because she is too busy gushing about Naruto. Eventually her only last line is “Naruto-kun”, when everyone is put into IT. It’s like a parody by this point. She doesn’t have any concern for her sister, her father, her teammates, Kurenai or her baby. It’s just “Naruto-kun” like it always is. Even in the Last movie, she is knitting a scarf for Naruto during the mission where they’re supposed to save her sister. Who brings a scarf on a mission? Why is she thinking about her romantic gift to Naruto so much she has to take it with her on a mission which focus is saving her sister? She even looks more devastated when Toneri tores the scarf apart than she ever does for Hanabi’s sake. It’s just silly and selfish.

”HINATA IS A COMPLEX CHARACTER”

Is she complex though? Her development goes from standing behind a tree looking at her crush she never talks to, to committing suicide for feelings that could never be reciprocated, to… waiting that a genjutsu and Sakura guilt trip Naruto enough for him to be with her? Like I already mentioned her character revolves entirely around Naruto, she has no hobbies or interests we know of aside from him. She has no motivations aside from being by Naruto’s side. She once had an interesting goal and backstory, but that was never fully explored, and it turned into her wanting Naruto’s attention and thinking about him. Her clan plot was irrelevant, she showed no interest in wanting to be a leader or even wanting to make things better for the branch members. It’s funny because immediately after the ending, no one cared about the Hyuuga branch and how the storyline was dropped and had no resolution. It was only when Hinata was being attacked for not showing to care did her fans start to over-analyze all the panels looking for the tiniest little clue that might hint at some changes.

It’s possible to be both shy, anxious and quiet and also to be strong, motivated and have interests and dreams. Hinata is never strong for herself, she’s only strong to be with Naruto, to die for Naruto, to motivate Naruto, to have Naruto look at her even for a moment. All the while Naruto doesn’t pay much attention to her unless she’s literally dying in front of him or she slapped him. Even when a big climax is happening, what’s on her mind is always her romantic feelings and her crush. I saw someone say if she were a male character, and she pulled this pointless sacrifice and theatrical confession in the final fight of an arc, she would’ve been universally mocked. Actually, I think even if it was Sakura who did this instead of Hinata the former would have been mocked, because their stans are unable to see the same flaws in their own fave as they see in the other girl. Naruto is a battle manga, characters are supposed to contribute to the defeat of the villain in some material way. The only reason people praise Hinata for what she did in the Pain arc is because they either pity her or because they’re men who think women killing themselves for a man is great because it boosts their ego.

I also notice many Hinata fans don’t notice the vanity in their own fandom. They call Hinata “princess”, ”heiress”, ”Konoha’s first lady” and draw fanart glorifying these concepts and how it makes Hinata good, because they like the superficial status, what they don’t care is the titles are unearned. I thought Hinata’s appeal was that she’s the underdog and a loser? Or maybe her real appeal is the idea of getting everything you want without doing much in order to get it?  Another claim is that Hinata is the perfect woman, which you might see from men. This is what I might dislike the most. Men judge Hinata’s worth and whether she’s a good character based on what kind of woman they want and think is the right kind of woman. Hinata has big breasts, she’s submissive, she has no other interests than the man she likes, and she’s the only girl in her class who didn’t go for the popular guy. Many men hate Sakura, Ino and Karin for being fangirls but praise Hinata for being a fangirl. Basically to them if a character is a fangirl of the wrong guy, she’s a stupid slut. If she fangirls their self insert, she’s wife material and the ideal woman. If Sakura has to be saved, she’s useless. If Hinata tries to kill herself for Naruto, she’s ”so kind”. Rin is a one-dimensional character, but Hinata saying Naruto-kun for the 50th time is depth. Hinata is also claimed to be better than the other girls because she had more kids and thus is more ”fertile”. It’s like feminism never happened and we are back to the 16th century. Why are we judging women’s worth on how many kids they have and how much they can please a man?

I could also talk about how Studio Pierrot turned Hinata into a hentai bait for otakus, which also plays a part in her popularity, but I don’t think it’s necessary, so I will just offer this picture which speaks for itself.

END NOTE

Hinata is simply just a sexist stereotype, a shadow of a real woman, with not much depth, and who is certainly not better than Sakura either. Both of them are fangirls whose characters revolve around men. It’s wild to me how there are women who genuinely act like one must be a misogynist if they reject Hinata’s superficial, one-dimensional and boy crazy character. Her character itself is misogynist for crying out loud. And honestly, what does it say when even the creator himself assumes that Hinata is someone’s favorite character because he must like big boobs?

[worldformula]

You don't think Kazuma and Susato thought of each other as siblings? That's interesting, I definitely do myself but I'm curious why you don't?

This isn't meant as argumentative and I hope it doesn't come off as such! Just given what I know of the culture at the time and their individual chars I know why they weren't allowed to act close in public but maybe still did in private, but I wanna hear your take if you wish to share

Either way your art is lovely and heart-wrenching per usual!

Don’t worry, I don’t see it as argumentative! I know the popular headcanon is that they are siblings and I’m not entirely against it but I think their relationship is just more interesting and more accurate to the vision I have of their characters if they don’t actively consider themselves brother and sister.

I love to talk so my rambling under a read more. Spoilers for DGS2. And thank you so much for enjoying my work!

On Kazuma’s side of things, I think the Mikotobas were very open and accommodating to him and the idea of him being part of their family but I think Kazuma himself refused them on the basis that his identity is largely centered around being an Asogi. I’m not Japanese and certainly wasn’t Japanese during the Meiji era but the general cultural concepts surrounding family and filial duty are pretty similar to my own culture (Korean), so I get the sense that Kazuma would refuse being part of the Mikotobas because to him, it would mean giving up being an Asogi. Family trees and lines of succession etc etc are a huge deal in East Asia (particularly back then) so I think Kazuma would understand that he can’t have it both ways. He can’t be both a Mikotoba and an Asogi. (Slightly unrelated, Kazuma as a character really has the unfortunate tragedy of being someone who is socially progressive but also culturally and metaphorically stuck in the past. So I think that while he’ll follow social rules for the sake of others, he’s definitely mad about it the entire time if they’re unfair. But for reasons I’ll explain, he’s not particularly mad about following this specific social rule.) So the idea of becoming Susato’s brother in a more literal sense than just a general unassuming “nii-san” honorific behind closed doors might not appeal to him. I don’t think he’d ever outwardly say so, because East Asians looooveee to operate on the unspoken, but I think the Mikotobas would get the hint. Also I think he’s just the kind of person to keep a lot to himself even if he doesn’t seem the type at first glance, so it’s just another way of keeping the Mikotobas at an arms distance.

This isn’t to say he isn’t grateful for their care though. It’s also an act of consideration; they took care of him, so he couldn’t impose on them further by trying to integrate as an actual family member. Even if the Mikotobas are okay with the idea that others may look poorly on their family for taking in someone not of their blood (which sounds crazy but again, adoption was a big yikes back then and still has a stigma surrounding it today), Kazuma would hate to ruin the reputation of the people who took care of him. Also, he looks bad to outsiders as “an orphan who lived on the generosity of another family and is now selfishly demanding even more of that generous family by forcing himself in”. So it’s an act of love to not be “Mikotoba’s son” or “Susato’s brother”. It just works out for him better to be respectful and keep his distance while also maintaining his identity.

On the other hand, Susato. She was much younger than him when Kazuma first came to stay with them and I think she probably wanted him to be her big brother SO much. She’s not old enough to really understand how dire the circumstances are for Kazuma and she luckily learns by example (Yujin) that he’s not someone to be pitied for his lack of parents, but Kazuma is unfortunately old enough to understand all the nuance that she can’t. And he’s also too old to really want to play with her; he’s lost in the aftermath of losing both parents and he’s at the age where he needs to study hard. I do think she does call him “nii-san” when she’s little, not as an active attempt at convincing him to be her brother, but just because he’s an older boy who lives with her and she likes him. It’s not to say he never played with her or never hung out with her but they interacted more like distant cousins maybe? (There is a distinct sense of “we’re family but not really and we’re both really aware of that” that applies I think.) But between him actually just being busy and his personality being what it is (as in, I think he’s way more honest more often to Ryunosuke than he is to the Mikotobas because he doesn’t owe Ryunosuke the way he does to them), they just never got a chance to connect that deeply.

And Susato’s a smart girl who can read the room; by the time the events of DGS roll around, I think she and Kazuma are on the same page of where their relationship is, hence the way they’re formal and polite around each other, particularly in public. Though between the two of them, I think she’s the one who wishes they were closer. But she’s also just as considerate; she wouldn’t dare impose that sort of role on him and risk being a burden, particularly not when she’s always trying to help him (going so far as to become his legal assistant). She doesn’t pity Kazuma but she does recognize that weird fury/sadness about him that registers to her as his passion for justice (which isn’t incorrect, but not exactly what it seems either) and also knows that as a younger girl, she can do very little to persuade him into relying on her or their family more often. So being his legal assistant is kind of the closest thing she can do to be closer to him. Hence why her decision to leave with Ryunosuke at the end of DGS2 read to me as a way to mark the end of her always trying for him — the ball is now in his court and Kazuma has to be the one to make the effort to maintain their relationship. It’s not terribly sad, just deeply unfortunate in a way that can’t be helped. I think Kazuma never asked for her help in the first place and so she can’t TECHNICALLY, LOGISTICALLY, in ALL BUT NAME blame him for disappointing her the way Ryunosuke could. But the end result is still the same. She’s kind of done enough for him. It’s his turn. And Kazuma understands that this is just another one of the many things he’s fucked up in the past two years and accepts her decision gracefully, which is a step in the right direction.

TL;DR I think they both might’ve seen each other as siblings in another life but Kazuma was comfortable with the distance while Susato wanted a closer relationship but would never walk past the line Kazuma himself drew, out of respect for him. And at this point, it’s a bit too late for the two of them to see each other as such. I don’t think that their relationship has weakened in any sense by accepting this reality, but is now a matter of Kazuma having the power to either let it sit and weaken or strengthen it. And as much as it kind of sucks for Susato (and I certainly don’t think she’s ecstatic about the unfortunate circumstances) she can mostly get over it whichever way it goes because she now has a future to look forward to outside of him.

[callmefitz]

fine. fine I did it. luca fic where massimo is trying to be a good parent for his teenage fish son. yes its the painfully awkward i know you’re gay talk. i wrote this at 2 am while projecting so this isn’t shakespeare, just a vibe. set sometime 3-4 years after the film but i think it’s implied enough.

—————————————————-

Alberto ran up the stairs, threw open the door, dropped his hat on the table and hastily washed his hands at the sink.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said breathlessly, wiping his hands on the front of his shirt, “I got caught up in, uh, well-“

“Showing off?” Massimo offered, turning from his workstation in the kitchen. Alberto laughed nervously and nodded- then paused- and shook his head while looking away.

“Well, I prefer the term ‘sharing with the community’” Alberto offered, before pulling out a large pot and placing it on the stove.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Massimo returned to the cutting the fish, “It’s a nice bike.”

It was a nice bike. Nice enough that the kids in Portorossa frequently begged Alberto to let them sit on it or ride it around the plaza. And who was he to say no? It was the coolest thing he had ever set his eyes on, let alone owned. Of course he let them use it. Alberto had been saving up his tip money from fish delivery all winter to buy it: a shiny, brand-new, red-hot Vesta. Just like the one Erocle used to parade around town on. Giulia and Luca were going to be so excited.

Alberto began pouring cups of water into the pot as he raised the heat, waiting for it to hit a soft boil. “So how much time do we have?”

Massimo glanced out the window facing the countryside, where the distance etchings of train tracks were visible, “About an hour. Luca’s parents will meet us at the station. Then, dinner.”

“An hour. Right. We can work with that,” Alberto said, mainly to himself, as Massimo continued with his fish. They both fell into a steady rhythm, as they stirred and simmered an outrageous amount of food.

While his hands were lost in repetition, Alberto’s mind wandered to Luca. Massimo liked to joke about how Luca never truly left, with all the letters and phone calls sent, but Alberto couldn’t disagree more. Words couldn’t capture the way Luca would say things, like how he yelled when he was excited and talk quickly when he was nervous. And sure, Alberto could read between the lines, and infer things, like how scrunched up words meant Luca was happy or excited and messy letters and wonky lines meant he was tired, but it wasn’t the real thing. And phone calls, while better, were fewer and far inbetween, and couldn’t capture the way Luca would move when talking, whether it was the way he walked or gestured, or the faces he would make and the way he would touch your shoulder or grab your arm to make a point. So no- Luca had truly left, and while Alberto had seen glimpses and pieces throughout the months, he preferred the whole Luca he got during the summer.

One hour. One hour and Alberto wouldn’t have to rely just on letters and voices. It would be just them again, like it was every summer, whether it be sleeping under the stars in Giulia’s hideout, or swimming out to the island to watch the sunsets, or spending afternoons filling up on gelato and playing futbol on the hot pavement. Giulia would be there too, and the trio would finally be complete. Just like how it was that first summer, and just how it was now.

Had Alberto mentioned he was excited?

“The pasta is boiling over,” Massimo provided helpfully, and Alberto was thrust back into reality.

He swore under his breath, moving the pot to another eye and turning the stove off. He sighed and grabbed for a towel to wipe the sides of the pot. Turning his back to Massimo, he began searching for a strainer, but was interrupted.

“Alberto.” Massimo put his knife down and turned slightly. His face was drawn so that his eyes peeked out from under his eyebrows and bore down to Alberto (no matter how tall Alberto got, Massimo was always, well, massive).

“There is something we need to talk about before the train comes in.”

And there it was. Or, rather, there it wasn’t, because those words never came out of Massimo’s mouth. Maybe it was because, despite everything between them, Massimo just wasn’t a big feelings guy. He was a man of few words who would rather hand-paint signs, mend hats, and hand-make pasta than say “I love you.” Not that Alberto cared much, about that, he couldn’t complain honestly, but the point was that Massimo never “had talks”. If something was serious to discuss in private, it was always “Alberto, a word”. Because Massimo was a man of few words. So it was understandable, then, that that string of words elicited panic in Alberto. Because never in a million years, not even when Massimo first asked Alberto to stay with him, did they ever have something they needed to talk about.

Good thing Alberto was good at handling panic. He was basically an expert.

“Yeah, like what?”

He held his elbow out to lean against the counter in a calm manner, but missed and instead landed on the red hot stove eye. All while maintaining a smirk-turned-grimace. Yep. Expert.

That was going to hurt later. A lot.

Massimo looked at Alberto, searching for something in his face, and, upon finding it, sighed, and turned to the window where the train-tracks were. Absentmindedly, he turned the faucet of the sink on, and letting it cool for a moment, held a rag under it. Once it was wet enough, he handed it to Alberto.

“Luca is a... good kid, no?” Massimo led after a moment of contemplation. Alberto took the rag, but his face scrunched up in confusion as he held it to his elbow. Faintly, he felt the familiar tingle of flesh-turning scale as the coolness took the edge from the burn. But the beginnings of a frown was settling on Alberto as he followed Massimo’s gaze to the train tracks.

“Yeah?”

Massimo nodded. “He is very smart. He writes often. He knows fish... but not as well as you do.”

Alberto inched closer to Massimo, “Yeah, he’s pretty cool. One of my best friends but... I think you know that.”

“He is a very good friend,” Massimo said, but something felt strange about the way he said it, “Handsome, too.”

Alberto’s body froze and his face heated up. Before he could say anything contradictory, however, Massimo continued.

“I know the way you two look at each other. Young love. It’s a good thing, especially when it’s between friends who have known each other for so long.” Massimo said slowly, “And if you ever want to take Luca out for some gelato on your Vespa... then I will be very happy for you, Beto. He’s a good kid. Good for you.”

Alberto wasn’t going to lie. He had thought about it, once or twice. In his head it always played out so incredibly natural, that a part of him assumed it would eventually happen. Giulia would be busy, either delivering fish or volunteering for the cup, and he and Luca would be on their own for the day. Maybe they bike to the top of Portorosso, or maybe they went out to the island or climbed a roof to watch the stars. Sometimes it would be just them having dinner together, and something would give- one of them would brush hands with the other, lean in just a little too close and stay there... then... well, it would be just like it to was. But more. And selfishly, maybe if they were more, Luca wouldn’t leave at the end of the season.

But Alberto couldn’t think like that. Luca loved school more than anything. Well, almost anything. He would never want to take that from him.

But Massimo was right. Luca was handsome. Summers in Portorosso had been kind to him, and they’ve both put on some healthy weight and muscle over the years. Even if they hadn’t been friends, Alberto had no doubt he would have been fond of Luca regardless.

“I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon,” Albert said candidly. “But... Thanks. For that. I guess.”

Massimo shrugged. “You’d be surprised. Giulia tells me a lot.”

Impossible scenarios ran through Alberto’s head. The wheels were spinning so fast that smoke was practically spewing from his ears.

“Like what?”

Massimo glanced out the window again, “I guess he’ll just have to tell you when he gets here.”

[makeste]

I like Bakuguo but his attitude is starting to really piss me off. He's talking about Daku as if he's just ~crazy~ and as if he isn't partly to blame for Deku's toxic self-worth issues. It's infuriating to watch. If Bakuguo doesn’t admit out loud and in front of his friends that his bullying of Deku played a part in Deku's current destructive state and if he doesn’t verbally apologize and reaffirm Deku's worth then I can no longer like Bakuguo's character or Hori's writing.

tbh I don't really know why this is the discourse of choice for people all of a sudden, but this is already the second ask I've gotten about it, so I might as well address it lol.

I think fandom is conflating fanon!Deku and canon!Deku here again. fanon Deku is of course much more sensitive and woobified and has much shakier self-esteem. fanon Deku is the one that turns evil in so many AUs because of Kacchan's bullying. fanon Deku is the one that actually jumps off the roof in so many fics, as opposed to fishing his notebook back out of the pond a few minutes later grumbling about how Kacchan needs to think before he speaks or else he could land himself in serious shit one day if god forbid anyone actually does take his cruel words to heart.

and just to clarify before I get any further, I am not saying this to excuse Kacchan's actions in any way, because what he did was still completely terrible and unacceptable and WAY over the line, and what's more he knew it, too. the bullying was still shitty and horrible and awful, and definitely impacted Deku and made him miserable. I fully acknowledge that, and that Kacchan has a lot of atoning to do for it. this is not a "Kacchan did nothing wrong" post.

but that being said, I don't think canon Deku's reckless self-sacrificing nature actually has anything to do with the bullying. I think they're two completely separate things. canon Deku actually has pretty decent self-esteem in spite of everything Kacchan did to him. canon Deku doesn't think he is useless. canon Deku had a wholeass fight with Kacchan less than 10 chapters into the series in which he explicitly spelled it out for Kacchan that he had a lot of worth, and was going to prove it to him. canon Deku was persistent in wanting to become a hero and hoping and believing that he could find some way in spite of being quirkless. canon Deku never let go of that dream even when no one else supported it. I don't think he would have even given up on it after being told no by All Might, tbh -- we just never got to see how it would have played out because of everything that happened with the sludge monster shortly afterward. but he's not the type to ever give up on something that easily, and we've seen that. canon Deku never thought he was useless, but rather wanted to prove to everyone else that he wasn't.

the drive that Deku has to save and protect others even at the expense of his own safety is something entirely separate from that. he doesn't break his body for others simply because he has no self-esteem and thinks that his own life isn't important. he does it because he can't stand the thought of someone else getting hurt, and knowing that he could have done something to prevent it. it's as simple as that. like, Spider-Man has the whole "with great power comes great responsibility" thing, right? and he doesn't have low self-esteem; he simply believes that if he has the ability to help someone else, then he has a responsibility to help them. it's a personal creed. and Deku is based on Spider-Man. his philosophy is based on that philosophy, which was one of Horikoshi's core influences and is one of the core creeds in superhero fiction.

Deku is self-destructive not because he doesn't value himself, but because he is literally physically incapable of standing back and doing nothing if he knows that he can do something. he's the type of person who sees a car speeding towards someone and leaps in to push them out of the way. NOT because he wants to get himself fucking pancaked by a speeding car, but simply because he can't sit back and watch the other person get hurt without taking action. his body moves before he can think. and that's where the whole "doesn't take himself into account" thing comes in -- the fact that his thought process simply stops at "get them out of the way of the car", and never extends beyond that to "hey, and maybe I should try to find a way to do this that doesn't involve me getting hit in their place." to him, that's simply less important than the first priority, which is getting the other person out of the way.

and regarding that last part, while that may seem like a self-worth issue if he's prioritizing everyone else above himself, I think what it actually is just selflessness taken to extremes. like for instance, when a parent sacrifices themselves to save their child, them placing the child's life above their own isn't necessarily because they don't see themselves as having value. rather, it's that they love the child so much that they place their well-being even above their own. and that's what Deku is like as well. except that in his case he cares about EVERYONE, and so is willing to sacrifice himself for anyone. and that selflessness is his defining character trait, and simultaneously the most admirable and the most terrifying thing about him. it's both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, which I think is fascinating to explore.

but anyway, so that's also why we never really see anyone thoroughly chewing him out for this behavior either. because the thing is, it is admirable how selfless he is. it's just that there's also a reason why most people are at least a little bit selfish. and that's because too much selflessness will ultimately and inevitably wind up getting you killed. at some point you either have to learn when to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, or else find yourself a loyal group of friends (or classmates) to watch your back, and make sure that mask gets on you when you need it. and maybe help you land the plane too while they're at it.

anyway so that was a lot of rambling, but basically it all boils down to three things:

when Deku berates himself for being useless (for instance at the end of the War arc), he's doing it out of frustration for not being able to push the others out of the way of the metaphorical car. that's the kind of uselessness he can't stand. the sitting-back-and-doing-nothing uselessness.

Kacchan's bullying was terrible, and it might have indeed played a part in Deku's choice of the word "useless" as a way of berating himself in these instances, but he is not the one who gave Deku this mindset of taking himself out of the equation. that's something that was already inherent to Deku from day one. (but that said, Kacchan has a lot of things to apologize to Deku for anyway, so if he wants to add this to the list I certainly won't stop him. he gets mad about Deku's suicidal attitude because it worries him, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't feel responsible for it. people underestimated his feelings of atonement before 284/285, and I think they're still underestimating him now.)

and lastly, one last important note, which is that Deku's current "saving" mindset isn't wrong, just as Kacchan's "winning" mindset was not wrong either. the lesson to be learned here is NOT that being selfless and wanting to save other people is bad. rather, it's the fact that he's trying to do it alone that's got him all fucked up right now. basically when you think about it, selflessness is really just selfishness on someone else's behalf. which means that in order for Deku to be saved, it isn't necessary for him to change his outlook or his selfless attitude, even if it is pretty crazy lol. rather, all he really needs is a good group of friends who are willing to act selfishly on his behalf in return. protecting each other through mutual selflessness lol. teamwork as self-preservation. hence why the U.A. kids are here now.

anyway so yeah, I think that's everything. sorry this got so long and out of control lol. this is just a very specific nuanced thing that's hard for me to express, but which I feel is very important when it comes to Deku's character. Kacchan didn't unleash Depressed Nomad Deku on the world (or at least not in this respect). but that being said, he and the others will hopefully be the ones to nudge him back on the right course again.