#i do not say this to pass judgement its purely just a factor of the numbers | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

abizarreyodelingincident · 4 years ago

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LU: Our Nightly Confidant 2

Deserted Hyrule

It could be worse.

Don't get him wrong. He'd gone through far more dangerous situations with not nearly as much ressources, or the faint hope that someone would notice and come help him. He's actually fairly confident he won't die in this ditch. A few factors led him to that conclusion.

For starters, his legs are no longer broken. And he isn't in his Hyrule, so chances are, he's not in immediate and urgent danger of being found by hungry monsters. Which is a very big positive note, because he currently can't do much more than lift a finger. Healing takes a lot out of him, but healing himself is so much worse. Taking his own energy to repair the damage, also a demanding thing to ask of his body... well, he's pretty resigned to spending the night at the bottom of this ravine if none of the others find him before nightfall.

Light is dimming, already hindered by the thick foliage all around him, worsened by the imminent sunset. Shadows crawl on the dirt and the bark of trees, tall spindly things. And yet, it still lacks the sort of venomous promises of home. Back home, no one slept in a forest if they could help it. No one with the will to live, at least. Here? He has the feeling he'll, at worse, be spooked once or twice.

The wind turns, again, and it strokes his hair like a kind old man's hand would. It's strange how appeasing the whistling in his ears feel reassuring. It's nothing like he is used to. Winds don't just stop and start all over again naturally. There's a presence in these woods. Something ancient, tied in the blood of the land. Some Hyrules feel more alive than others. This one is striving, brimmed with an undercurrent of Light.

Twilight had told them not to wander into the woods. It's got a lot of hidden ravines, he said, and poison mists. Hyrule cringes a bit remembering the heavy look aimed at him and Wild. Were he able to travel through time, he'd tell his past self to pay attention. He might have been too confident in his ability to avoid the danger. Poison and sheer drops should have been second nature for him at this point. Between his fairy and his jump spell, he had this covered.

That's probably why he fell now that he thinks about it. He never thought bushes could hide that kind of drop. They never grew around the mountains and hills of his era. The thought brings heat to his cheeks. The Hero of Hyrule, laid low by some harmless bushes.

“Maybe it's best the others don't find me right away. An hour, give or take, and I'll be able to scale this,” he mutters to himself, blushing.

The snap of a twig grips his heart in a vice grip. With what little energy he has, Hyrule snaps his head around to face a large shadowed wolf.

“W-Wolfie?” he asks, his voice uneven.

The bark that is his reply somehow sounds sarcastic. A drawled 'woof' that's like rumbling clouds.

“Huh.”

Despite his better judgement, Hyrule does relax. It's hard not to when faced with something that baffling.

“The others sent you to get me?” he says, remembering the last time the beast had spent hours leading him and Wild through the woods. That glare scorched. “Right, right... huh, think you could wait a few minutes.”

It's not much better tonight.

“Sorry, Wolfie. I got injured in the fall. I healed, but it's taken its toll.”

Worry makes the wolf's face shift. A cold nose pushes against his foot, and Hyrule chuckles at the tickling sensation.

“I'm fine. It's... just a bit of rest should do the trick... I give you a lot of work, don't I?” I am a burden, a failure, he doesn't say.

With a huff, Wolfie rolls his eyes and lifts his head. For a second there, Hyrule has to blink, convinced the light of dusk is playing a trick on him, but no, Wolfie's fur is darkening. From grey to black. Like ink spilled on top of him, bleeding over his entire form until even his eyes are swallowed into the darkness.

He flinches back, willing his hand to grab his sword. Ache, he thinks. He's been a fool! He was so willing to believe his luck had turned he'd forgotten the most basic safety precautions of his time!

Blocks of darkness fly off Wolfie's silhouette, which somehow doesn't change. Doesn't stretch into a standing position and a face full of mocking fangs. Wolfie disappears in a flurry of pure black and Hyrule's brain stutters to a miserable stop.

And then, just above, the darkness gathers, swirls together. And out emerges Wolfie, same as ever, with the markings on his forehead and the chains clanking against the edges of the ravine. Teleportation.

“You can use magic?!” Hyrule yells, forgetting all about keeping a low profile in the face of that shock. Animals aren't supposed to know magic! Most monsters can't use it!

For some reason Hyrule can't wrap his head around, his shout causes Wolfie to pause. His next movement is more careful, a little more hunched, and he disappears beyond the edge of the cliff, a hint of his tail the only sign that Wolfie has turned around.

Sky would tell him that it's another sign that Hylia is watching over them. That she sent Wolfie as a sort of messenger to pass along hope. Something like that. And Legend would have the hardest time keeping his disdain off his face. For all he was prickly, he also had a sixth sense for what was and wasn't an unacceptable line to cross.

Hyrule... Hyrule doesn't know who he leans toward in that case. Before this quest, he'd have no clue, not because he was uncertain, but because he didn't know what a goddess was supposed to be then. Now that he does, it lacks... appeal. It doesn't help that none of the others can exactly agree who and what the goddesses of the world are, what's the point of belief.

'Faith that there's a way to save yourself,' rings Legend's bitten answer, whispered late at night.

It's probably a coincidence that the moment the memory plays out rope drops quite directly into his hand.

Wolfie is looking down, a low huff and nod for him to grab onto the rope. Even though his every limbs are weighted with iron, he has to give it a fair try.

And he drops the moment he's on his feet.

The dizziness hits worse with the echoes of a panicked bark over the howling wind. He has to close his eyes for a second. What he wouldn't give for a potion right now.

A rough texture licks the back of his hand. It's not anything he ever got to experience before. What few dogs he knew before this were more the sort to bite than offer comfort. And that's what it is, comfort, an apology, maybe, for pushing. Slowly, he opens his eyes, comes face to face with Wolfie, who lets out a pitiful whine.

“Sorry,” Hyrule repeats. “I don't think I can climb that.”

The ears flick on top of Wolfie's head, and he grabs the rope in his mouth. Circles him quickly. Oh. That could work. Together, they manage to tie the rope around his waist, secure it tightly, and Wolfie's gone again. The tugs start right away.

It's uncomfortable at best, but he's not about to complain. Who ever heard of a wolf pulling someone up a cliff before? Throwing someone a length of rope? He figures the discomfort is his punishment for not listening. It doesn't last long regardless. He has to blink back the sleep when his back scrapes on dirt. Groans. Thinks.

Now that he knows Wolfie can use magic, the scolding feels even worse. He's not scared. Just... the weight of those eyes grew. It's not just Wild's tame wolf being sent after him. It's a thinking beast annoyed at his recklessness. He should know better, the glare inside his head tells him.

He bites his tongue. The words don't want to come out.

Wolfie crouches low and nudges him with his nose, hints at his back. An invitation. It makes shame curdle inside his stomach. He can feel it sloshing around. The ravine suddenly sounds appealing. But he can't do that to Wolfie. Not twice in a row. He only has to swallow a bit of embarrassment. He's lucky. So lucky. Most people just die.

Few people ever seem to live in his era.

Wolfie's fur is still unfairly soft even when he can feel the rolling muscles underneath. He lies on top of Wolfie, his arms hooked around the beast's neck, hoping he's not too heavy.

Wolfie makes an inquisitive sound, almost a question.

It takes Hyrule some time to realize he's waiting for an answer too.

“I, yes, I'm ready,” he says, wishing to disappear.

They start at a slow trot. His weight is an obvious burden for the beast he's seen rocket through a battlefield to maul a monster about to strike one of them. His next apology might not even be said out loud. Hyrule's not sure anymore.

Wolfie feels like a well-hidden cave or a barricaded inn room at night. Deep breathes after a sprint to escape a horde. The buzz of magic in his veins, full, potent, ready to fry a daring monster. Face half-buried in his friend's coat, Hyrule's eyelids grow heavy. The exhaustion of his accident, pushed aside by the meeting with Wolfie, is returning with a vengeance.

He listens to the rhythm of Wolfie's steady heartbeat. The breaking of twigs and brushing of leaves on fur. Little grunts when the wolf goes over large roots and the scritches of claws on bark.

“I... I used to be pretty scared of wandering off, you know?” he whispers into the wall of fur.

Wolfie swerves and twists, his big head turning just enough to give Hyrule a glimpse of a wide blue eye. Shock is an understatement.

He can't help it. He chuckles and runs a hand just behind Wolfie's ears, the way Time does on rare occasions. He is rewarded with a huff and a jolt when Wolfie picks up the pace again.

“It's a dangerous business, going out your doors. So I never did, until one day there was no one left and the food had run out. Then an old man gave me a sword. That's the kindest thing a stranger ever did for me,” he says, fond, the bearded old man flashing through his memory.

A quiet whine rings to his ears. Wolfie's posture lowers. Hyrule can't quite tell what it means. Is the wolf tired? Ashamed? Exasperated? He's not sure. But now that he started talking, it's harder to stop.

“Once in a while, I'd meet people that would help me. Offer me shelter. Help me treat my wounds. But nothing like that first time. When I first wandered around, past the little alcove that had been my home forever, into the great vastness of my country. And it was a hundred times bigger than I could imagine from my little hole in the ground. That old man... gave me the world.”

Fireflies fly above, and Hyrule leaves his thoughts to trail off. These woods are lovely. Yes, even with the hidden drops and the ravines with whistling winds, with the deku babas here and there that leer at the wolf too far for them to reach... all he sees is a forest thriving, so full of life it's in the very air he breathes.

“I... Poisonous mists didn't sound so bad. I've got tons of poisonous rivers, full of hostile zoras. Poisonous swamps, full of monsters. Heck, poisonous caves too... My Hyrule's pretty harsh, y'know?”

A grunt. Not angry. Just... a grunt.

“Don't get me wrong, it's my home. I love it. And I'm not jealous. I'm not!”

Even though Wolfie is looking forward, never faltering from the obstacles on his path, Hyrule can feel Wolfie's full attention bearing down on him. Can feel the anticipation, the worry. And a knot in his chest unties itself long enough for a fear never voiced to suddenly latch onto words and thoughts.

“But how will I look the princesses in the eye if I can't even describe to them what the world would be like without Ganon's influence? If I can't give them hope for a bright future when I've been to those futures myself? I don't want to fail them.”

Fur soaks up a stray tear or two.

His tongue refuses to move anymore. They make the rest of the trip in silence.

***

The others, indeed, hadn't been very pleased, but Hyrule had more or less fallen asleep before the eldests (minus Twilight somehow) had finished berating him. He'd woken up just before dawn, greeted Four still on the third watch, and busied himself until the inevitable. He's not looking forward to the concealed worry on Legend's face or the exasperation on Warriors'.

He hovers on the outskirts of the camp.

Which is where he notices, at first lights, their goatherd breaking away from the group. 'Probably going to relieve himself' is Hyrule's guess. It could have been true, but when the others start stirring, Hyrule's hit by a bunch of nerves. Nothing wrong happened to Twilight, right? It's his era, he can't have been taken out by a surprise cliff, right?

He takes off in the direction he saw his elder leave. And, luckily, he's easy to spot in the plains of Hyrule Fields. There's little but grass and the occasional tree here. Yet, Twilight's crouching behind a rock.

Puzzled, Hyrule lowers himself to the ground and tiptoes near Twilight.

“What's going on? Is there an enemy nearby?”

Twilight hides part of his grin by putting a finger to his lips. In his other hand, he's holding some strange weapon. With a long wooden handle and then a circular hand, with... a cloth hood? He... is that something to suffocate your enemy? It's a violent thought, and he doesn't quite associate it with Twilight, their farmhand, their goatherd, who'll whistle with grass on a slow evening.

It's twice as strange for the lack of visible monsters around. He prays it's not another round of moas or kasutos...

Responding to an unheard signal, Twilight stalks forward. Crawls on his knees, slow and patient. The pelt on his back is coming alive in Hyrule's mind. He needs to blink, to chase away the image of a wild animal, and by the time he does, Twilight is pouncing, weapon striking a tree.

“Gotcha,” Twilight says, pumping a fist.

“Huh?” He couldn't see a thing. Did he forget the cross somewhere...?

“Hyrule, come here.”

Twilight's hands are cupped together, hiding something from view. It immediately tickles his curious side, who can't help lean forward.

He gasps.

The bug's shell glimmers in the morning light. Specks of dust around it catch its glow. Sparkle. He's never seen an animal like this. With hesitant fingers, he makes a reaching motion. A very faint hums of magic brushes against his finger before the beetle scurries backward. That's Twilight's cue, it seems, and the bug is dropped into a glass bottle, cork sealing it in. He can't help the pang of envy that pierces through his heart at the sight.

Twilight rubs the back of his neck, rueful. “Never been big on going out of my village, it's the farmer in me, but darn if some things don't feel worth the risk. Home's nice, but Hyrule as a whole... s'a place of wonder for me.”

“It is,” Hyrule says, unable to quite look away from the little thing.

“Want to keep it?”

And Hyrule's heart is sent into a stuttering mess, his hands clenching around the little glass bottle so hard he fears it'll break.

“I... can I?”

He doesn't dare hope yet.

Twilight's mouth pulls into a wry grin. “Sure thing. Bit of a hobby of mine at this point. Bug catching, I mean. There's this girl in Castletown that used to pay me to find some for her. I scoured my whole Hyrule looking to find all the golden bug species. Fetched me a pretty rupee.”

“Oh, huh, right, lemme see how much I-”

“Don't be daft, 'Rule,” Twilight says, slapping him between his shoulder blades. “You don't make brothers pay. 'specially not for a bug, of all things. I'll find a dozen the next time I look. Mind you, you might wanna check on 'em once you're back. Queen Zelda told me them buggers can spread like nobody's business. They think each other's shell's pretty too.”

A wink.

And there's a vision in his mind, of golden lights fluttering through Saria Town at night. Of colonies of radiant ants scuttering in the burning hills and shining dragonflies hanging from reeds. He thinks of that gentle warmth from the beetle's shell, spread like dots over ravaged countryside. Little, in the face of poisoned wells and bone-thin monsters. Little, just a sign that it's not only evil that thrives. Would that be so bad?

Hyrule's mouth feels a bit dry. He swallows, dares meet Twilight's gaze. “Would it be okay if... if we looked for more of them?”

Twilight's blue eyes – nearly the same shade as Wild's wolf – flicker back to the camp, and Hyrule fights to keep the disappointment off his face. Of course. Twilight is one of the responsible Heroes. Someone the others say has 'common sense' – that Hyrule never seems to grasp. Going on a bug catching quest was a nice thought, but they obviously can't. They have a mission. The others would disapprove.

And then, Twilight turns back to him with a look that's startlingly like Wild's. “How fast can you run?”

He stalls. “I, dunno, the monsters never caught me, but-”

“Good enough for me.”

The bug net is shoved into Hyrule's hands, and it's all he can do to grip it before it slips through his fingers. Yet the moment he's holding it, Twilight bolts, waving a hand to beckon him.

This... this he can do. Running's easy. Stamina's simple. He's never had trouble pacing himself. It's easy, comforting, to sprint after Twilight's back. For once, his eyes don't wander to the breathtaking beauty of a Hyrule spared the King of Evil's malice. They stay firmly on the black pelt strapped to Twilight's back, the swaying tail at his belt, the pulled hood and ears. There's the same comfort there, the same... magic he found in resting his head against Wolfie's fur. The same promise. Safety.

It's not a feeling he is used to. But he loves it.

And he runs, a wide smile on his face, already eager to show the princesses the wonders that their Hyrule might one day have.

#Linked Universe #Linkeduniverse #LU Twilight #LU Hyrule #LU Wolfie

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kkemtal · 3 years ago

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Risk and Benefit: Where Was I For You Not To Mind My Own Business Here

September 1, 2021

The peak of my red tide has got to be the cause of why my mind goes intangled and triggered a growing deeply sown frustation throughout this whole day. I might second my over intake of caffeinated beverages today to be part of the major blame too. This has conjured images of the things I really want to do and enjoy. In the unprecedented world we're currently caught on, with my reluctance, I am jeopardized by having second thoughts on weighing out the risks and benefits on pushing what I desire to do as part of my self-love - gym, solo travels, driving classes. From these planted frustrations unveils what rolls out at the end of today.

Throughout the day, just out of the blue, while waiting for my appointment at the hospital, I decided to meet with someone who works at the coffeeshop. It's just a walk mile distance. I had a fine moment of transient socializing with 'them' while jumbling with my client calls and a few mail reports. As always, on how consistently thoughtful and welcoming they were, they treated me with my favorite coffee drink along with vegetarian salad and blueberry cheesecake. Honestly, I felt an immense gratitude on my every visit there as I thought they and along others associated with me are angels in my life based on their gestures imbued of positive energies. Along with our conversation, it was just me being accosted of how I was doing. I was expressing on wanting to unwind on local travels and beaches as a solo traveller or hoping to be adopted by any willing adventure seeking cliques. As an open opportunity for me to explore and along the way make new friends which I know how crucial this is at my age.

From suggesting cool beaches and tourist spots into harboring mixed emotions of frustration and dreading over you as they asked me how am I with you. They kinda felt dubious on our non-label or lowkey so to speak kind of relationship. They kinda felt a pity on me as they knew how expressive I was on assuring you that I still have feelings for you. They adamantly advised me not to take this martyrdom too long while you're at abroad as they had a gut feeling you might possibly met someone more special. Since, we haven't spoken yet for almost two months right after you left me on seenzone last July 20, 2021, I believe? You were at the van on your way home from whatever was your part-time job related errands at night. As an overthinker, I have already thought about that as one of the future major possibilities for another painful heartbreak in this cusp of adulthood. Most likely the reason to be would be you finding yourself falling in love more in there and choose to live permanently there and restart a new life chapter. I sensed it's never gonna be as traumatazing as my last toxic ex-boyfriend. But, a somewhat liberating yet a very painful and great lesson in love to be embedded from.

Right now, honestly, I'm crying here at my room because I'm overthinking that maybe our depth of love for one another since then was we misinterpreted in some way on confronting what's so special and rare we had or we took it differently by meaning. Maybe, on your side, this is just a fleeting rollercoaster moment, a phase you'll take what we had a special connection for granted. From my side, I know I prayed for this to have it with you during college which right now I yearned for something greater between us and that has left me feeling one-sided with you. Maybe, I mistook what you've felt for me as something greater and beyond just purely a crush. Since you've got no father figure and are a single child, maybe you loved me more as a sibling with no romantic/intimate attachment, perhaps. I don't know, I feel kinda guilty, confused and hurt with these self-inflicting thoughts. I have a hunch that could be the reason on your phases of denial flickering out. At the same time, I'm sulking to the thought of you being taken over by your selfishness and pride or your own demon as you mentioned then. Maybe you might forget me and along with your closest loved ones here who are missing you. I know you just have to figure things out for yourself and come up with some thoughtfulness and considerations whilst exploring on your dream land which I'm so happy for you that you've made it given the global situation.

Being so emotional right now and incessantly crying, fuck. Of course, I have thought about these possibilities on being on your shoes because I want to save myself from being too idealistic in love and shift my perception into what is realistic. I have considered every factor amidst this pandemic while being patient with you without waiting, I don't know if that makes any sense. The pain caused from these thoughts is something I should embrace as a cure of a future heartbreak. I don't want to disturb you although I want to besides on how much I miss you so much and wondering about you. But, truly the main reason is I know you have received more than enough of my assurance that you'll always count on me based on the poems, songs, letters and most especially that birthday presentation I sent during the lockdown period.

Apart from that, I will just let you be. Just like that significant gist from the film Ruby Sparks, I don't want to control or try to change you out of frustration to stay in line what favorable consequences I'd like to project through you in choosing me. Teary-eyed me painfully sees this as a challenge on what's meant for me will find its way back to me on the right time granted by the Universe. Done right out naturally. Regardless, the balance of negative and positive opinions I gathered from others, I'm still gonna be on flow and patience with you. Wholeheartedly, no matter what, I'll always be thankful for how long I take this too far on reaching you amidst the uproar of doubts and approvals, cheers and jeers from the crowd on how our relationship unfolds. Despite, I felt I am silenced onto holding with this, anchoring with hope though I'm drowning in despair. Because, I swear to God, what we have is so unimaginably rare that I couldn't find this kind of special connection with a gazillion of people I met who just come and go. I kept searching for you to anyone who has been enamored by me or anyone at our age group connected with me both in and out of my professional field. At this far reaching point, you are beyond comparable. No one is anywhere near significantly special as you - the fear of losing and the risk of temporary place in my life serving as what figure of platitude.

Tonight, I saw a post introducing one of the locally known DJs residing from the middle region of our country who's in a long-term 6 year relationship with one of the Miss Universe candidates from the aformentioned region competing against other beauty pageants for the globally crown reigning competition. As I viewed the couple's adorable pictures and appreciating how beautiful they are, I cried asking God how I wish to be genuinely happy by having this kind of exact inspiring and loving relationship with open acceptance and no room of denials coupled with exuberance and blessings from both parties and the public with no clouded judgements and be perceived as subject to love is beyond what's intangible. This. I felt envious. I know this overblowing trail of messed up rumination will pass but come in lighter degrees from inexplicably thinking about you past work hours until I hit the hay.

Right now, I only hope and ask the Universe for you to be safe at all aspects while chiselling in becoming the better version of yourself by weeding out the realized toxic traits you figured from yourself based on your encounters from living with your abroad ambitions. Hoping you will have more strength and energy to take care of yourself and tread against whatever plummets you down in this new journey as the world has been hard enough. As you say, happiness is such a luxury.

- kkemtal

#kkemtal #Hope #Love #Desire #Pray #Adulthood #Diary #Gratitude

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galaxy-parchment · 5 years ago

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Vampire AU

1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7 : 8 : 9 : 10 : 11 : 12 : 13 : 14 : 15 (you are are)

This is finally finished! Good lord that took a while I expected this to be half as long as it ended up being. As usual please leave comments/tags/replies of what you thought of the overall story (its okay you can be honest) and feel free to send any asks at any time if you ever want me to answer any questions.

Jekyll led the way out of the office and stared down the expectant, though well-guarded, crowd before them, courtesy of Rachel brandishing that knife she never seemed to put down.

Lanyon tried not to look weak under all the glares he was getting, but he’d seen how insane these people could be. If this went wrong he’d be lucky to get the chance to flee London. Despite his obviously fake courage, he stood his ground beside Jekyll, who inhaled deeply, about to speak. He held onto the breath for a moment and exhaled it out into his first words.

“I know you’re scared, and confused, and angry, and feeling a lot of strong feelings about the situation, but please hear me out,” he paused, hoping his pleas weren’t falling on deaf ears.

Some people’s expressions didn’t change, but the air of curiosity and general lack of outburst prompted Jekyll to continue.

“I think we of all people should understand that everyone deserves a second chance,”some heads rose in recognition, “and the opportunity to be a part of a community of like-minded individuals. Individuals who won’t hold judgement against them.” Jekyll glanced back at him, jerking his head slightly to them, still observing. Lanyon took a moment to realise that Jekyll wanted him to speak. Of course. Bloody hell.

He shifted, moving to Jekyll’s side, and could swear he felt himself sweating despite his physical incapability to do so. “I’m… sorry for my… outburst… yesterday. I swear that I didn’t intend to actually harm anyone and was fully aware that Luckett wasn’t in his room that evening,” he insisted, his voice almost breaking from how nervous he was.

“Why’d you do it then?“ called Pennybrygg, who was one of the few lodgers still accompanying the now less frazzled Luckett.

“I was… er… acting on… some…. personal issues…” Lanyon attempted to get out, mumbling the end in shame. He directed his gaze towards Luckett, who was looking quite annoyed at him. “I’d be happy to help you restore your room, however, Mr Luckett.” He was relieved to see him ponder on it for a moment and grumpily nod his head with a grunt. Lanyon’s lacklustre explanation earned him some unimpressed faces, but Luckett’s acceptance of the offer seemed to stop anyone from protesting.

Jekyll cleared his throat, drawing attention away from Lanyon, who was clearly not used to speaking to this sort of audience. “We’re all people who have an appreciation for the strange, the macabre, the odd. To make things right with all of you who feel violated by having the presence of a vampire in your lives for so long, Dr Lanyon has agreed to allow you to ask for his help in any experiments that may require… someone such as himself… in them.”

That sparked some excited murmurs. Within seconds any mention of doubt or annoyance was lost and overpowered by a lively discussion about the possibilities this opened up. Questions were being yelled out at the two of them about what exactly they were allowed to do. The first few questions were answered but it soon became an impossible task.

Lanyon felt himself being dragged away by the arm. It took him a moment to actually look down at who it was. He was relieved to see Rachel. She didn’t seem to look as angry as he’d thought. If anyone in the building had a right to be upset with him it was certainly Rachel. All he could see in her eyes was gentle sympathy.

“I’m guessing that this is why you never eat my garlic chicken?” she asked, giving him a reassuring grin. Lanyon found himself slowly being led away from the lodgers, somehow unnoticed by them.

“No, actually, it turns out I actually can eat garlic. I’m just not a fan of chicken.” He chuckled back at her.

She huffed, half-giggling as she did, “And here I thought you’d at least use the opportunity to make an excuse for yourself!” They both took the opportunity to laugh off the tension of the situation. They both drifted into silence and Lanyon saw Rachel’s happy expression weaken into something inexplicably sad.

“Rachel, I’m sorry I never said anything to you - I didn’t want you worrying about me. Jekyll’s already a handful on a bad day.”

“You didn’t have to worry about me, Lanyon. I’m built tough, you know that,” she smiled, giving him a friendly nudge on the arm.

“I haven’t destroyed any hopes of you trusting me in the future, have I? Aside from Jekyll, I don’t really have many other people I can call a friend.”

She stared at him for a moment before breaking out into the most genuine laugh she’d let out for the whole conversation. “You’re not all that bright for a Doctor, are you? You think something like being a vampire is gonna scare me off?” She looked back at the crowd of lodgers bombarding an overwhelmed Jekyll with questions, some relating to the news and others drifting off to other topics, then back to Lanyon. “I live here, I can handle a little bit of craziness.”

Lanyon smiled at her with such a pure, light relief he feared he’d start floating where he stood. Rachel glanced at the nearest set of stairs and tilted her head towards it.

“Come on, you’d better get started on cleaning up Luckett’s room. I’ll grab some supplies for you.”

“I don’t suppose I’ll be getting any help with my least favourite type of labour, would I?”

Rachel placed a firm hand on his back and pushed him towards the stairs alongside her. “Don’t be ridiculous, Doctor, what kind of a redemption would that be?”

Despite how heartwarming the moment was, Lanyon was starting to dread this whole ‘apology’ business.

Everything was, astonishingly, quite normal after yesterday’s events.

Granted the extremely emotionally moving speech Jekyll gave was quite a substantial factor in the amazing outcome. Lanyon was nonetheless eternally grateful for the good reception he was getting.

He still got some stern looks in the Society and a few mild threats as he passed through the halls. He also got some very invasive questions about how his physiology worked, not that he entirely knew himself. Everything was otherwise quite normal considering he’d been revealed to be one of the most heinous types of beast in all of London.

He did appreciate that Jasper fellow’s offer to get him a less… morally ambiguous… source of human blood that he used to feed some of his pets. He wasn’t quite sure how much he would like where the blood came from, but it was probably better than murdering whatever poor sap was stupid enough to get drunk in the East End.

He might have to lie about how much blood he needed and get some for Jekyll as well.

Jekyll carried his hefty case of equipment upstairs. He’d almost forgotten she was there. Alas, forgetting didn’t mean she didn’t exist, so upon being reminded by an off-handed comment from Rachel he made his way over.

She looked very comfortable, bundled up in her blankets reading a book. It appeared to be new so he assumed it was a gift from one of her new adoring fans. She looked up at him and, strangely enough, smiled at him. Jekyll would be lying if he said that didn’t put him on edge at all.

He went through the usual routine. Say hello, open the case, make her medicine for the day and make sure she took it. She had this demeanour about her, though. Whenever he said anything, did anything, even took a moment to look at her, she had this mischievous grin, like she had some brilliant secret she was desperate not to tell. Eventually his curiosity got the better of him as she downed his medicine.

“What’s got you so… cheerful… today?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

“I’m so glad you asked, Doctor.” She casually fiddled with her own gloved hand, keeping that smirk on her face. “I was listening in on yesterday’s commotion, quite an outstanding resolution I must say. I personally wouldn’t have even noticed your friend was a vampire, since I’ve never even met him.” She looked up at him. “But I couldn’t help but think about how you always act.”

“What do you mean?” Jekyll asked carefully, keeping his voice as level as he could.

“Oh, nothing much, just how you’re pale some days and the next day you look flush as ever. How you talk less whenever your skin becomes quite pale. The way your eyes twitch ever so slightly whenever you give me intravenous medicines…”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Hmph, I thought you would be much more open at this point, but I suppose keeping up your facade is quite important. I believe you are a vampire, Doctor. A drainer, as you Londoners tend to call them.”

Jekyll’s blood would have run colder if it could. “That’s ridiculous, are you sure you don’t have a fever or something?” He began packing his things, sending her the message that he was about to leave.

She rested her chin on her elbow, which was propped up on her knee. “Really, Doctor Jekyll, I promise I won’t tell.” He stopped for a moment and stared her down, looking for some hint that she wasn’t toying with him. It was impossible to see through all of that smugness. She was obviously having some fun with this.

“Really?”

“Yes. It appears I may have thought you to be the wrong variant of blood-sucker. I much prefer a creature of the night than some pompous buffoon. A lot more fun to deal with, so I will let this slide for now. Creature insists that being disliked will be the least of your problems if I come to harm, anyway,” she said as she gestured to the monster in question, who simply gave a stern nod to him that Jekyll acknowledged solemnly.

“T-thank you, Frankenstein.”

“Of course, we beasts of humanity must live in harmony.” He wasn’t sure how comfortable he was with that comment.

Jekyll packed the rest of his things and quietly stepped out of the room, keeping an eye on them as he left. The grin didn’t leave Frankenstein’s face, but it didn’t seem as menacing as it did before. Instead it was more playful. Once he closed the door behind him, he let a tense sigh escape him.

He reminded himself to yell at Hyde a bit for getting bitten in the first place.

#galaxywrites #the glass scientists #tgs #henry jekyll #robert lanyon #rachel pidgely #the lodgers #frankenstein #fanfiction

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uncloseted · 5 years ago

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what are your thoughts on the Ansel Elgort scandal and the whole "believe women" movement in general, i just somehow feel iffy about labeling someone as a rapist or as cancelled when the only evidence is someone on twitter saying that it happened but i also feel like women deserve to be heard and be believed

Anonymous said to effys-closet: Jesus christ. I'm reading about what happened with Ansel Elgort and the woman who accused him of sexual assault. She was 17 and he was 20, in a place where it was COMPLETELY legal for him to have sex with her. It sounds like she had a regrettable experience, and he may have been unkind, and not paid attention to her discomfort which SUCKS but this shit pisses me off! This is not rape. Whiny stories like this invalidate women who have actually been raped. I've been raped. Grow the fuck up.

I had no idea about any of this until I started getting messages about it, so I’ve been reading articles trying to understand what happened and what the different sides of the story are. This is my current position, but it’s subject to change when/if we get more information about the situation.

I want to say a couple things about rape allegations before I dig into the Ansel Elgort situation in particular:

First and foremost, rape allegations are complicated.

Unlike other crimes, there usually aren’t eyewitnesses, and sometimes there’s no physical evidence, so it can become a he said/she said situation very quickly.

It’s also a situation that’s fraught with power dynamics, especially in issues of celebrity/underage fan sexual relationships, where the party with less power may feel like they’re not “allowed” to say no.

Due to the way men and women are taught about sex differently, there are also situations in which one party can think of the encounter as a normal sexual experience, while the other views it as a violation or assault. Many women don’t realize they were assaulted until later in their life, when they learn more about what does and doesn’t constitute consent.

Many women are scared to speak up about assaults because they don’t think they’ll be believed or they’re worried about their reputation (and women do have a lot to lose by speaking out, particularly against a powerful, white, male celebrity).

So there are a lot of factors at play when trying to understand what happened in a given situation and whether or not it constitutes assault, and all of those things contribute to why a woman’s account of what happened should be weighted more heavily than the man’s (although I disagree that we should always, without question, believe the accuser).

It should also be said that sexual assault is a spectrum, and does not always constitute rape; sometimes, it’s a lesser charge of sexual violence. “Sexual assault” covers everything from fondling/unwanted sexual touching to penetration of the victim’s body. The United States Department of Justice defines sexual assault as "any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” From what I’ve seen, Gabby (the accuser in the Ansel situation) is alleging sexual assault, not rape specifically.

Finally, it’s important to remember that in American courts, people are innocent until proven guilty, and I think that’s the same approach we should take when participating in the court of public opinion. We should absolutely take into account that there are extraneous factors that mean that the testimony of men and women (and accuser/accused) are not evenly weighted in situations like this. But we should also be careful before we assign a “guilty” verdict and cancel someone for the rest of all time.

So. There are a few things that make me feel weird about the Ansel Elgort situation. The first is that this girl was allegedly a minor who had just turned 17 a few days after they began “talking” on Twitter (that’s iffy regardless of whether or not she was over the legal age of consent, which isn’t really the issue here anyway- the issue is whether he assaulted her or not). She was a fan of his, and he took her virginity. Even beyond the power dynamic that exists because he’s a celebrity who she was a fan of and she’s not a celebrity at all, there’s a power imbalance there. He’s experienced, nearly four years older than her, and she was not experienced at all.

Gabby alleges that she was “sobbing in pain”, and that he didn’t stop, which, regardless of its legality, speaks poorly about Ansel’s character. A crying woman is never enjoying the experience (except in very specific, controlled, consensual BDSM experiences), and that should be clear from her tears.

For any normal person, tears indicate discomfort. A normal person would take that as a cue to stop what they’re doing, regardless of if what they’re doing is a conversation they’re having or a TV show they’re watching or sex they’re having. Instead, Gabby alleges that Ansel said, “we need to break you in” instead of stopping. She also alleges that, “he made me think this is how sex was supposed to be. I WAS SO YOUNG AND HE KNEW THAT.” Again, power imbalance. Regardless of if it was a “legal” relationship, she was inexperienced and he took advantage of that for his own pleasure. Gabby is also allegedly 5′2, while Ansel is 6′3. Even if she wanted to fight him, she likely couldn’t have. Many victims of sexual assault say they didn’t fight or protest for fear of their safety.

That said, I can also understand how Ansel might not have interpreted the interaction as an assault. I know that sound strange, so bear with me here... many American men are socialized with weird and problematic views of sex. This problematic socialization includes things like, “women like it rough/like to be pushed around”, “no means no, but no response means yes,” “a girl’s first time is supposed to be painful, you just need to keep going,” and “if they said yes once, that consent extends to anything I want to do”. ALL OF THOSE VIEWS ARE, OF COURSE, UNEQUIVOCALLY WRONG. But if you’re a man that’s been socialized that way, it starts to make sense how you could think a girl who’s experiencing an uncomfortable first time might “want it” since she’s not telling you to stop.

Meanwhile, girls get socialized to believe things like, “your first time is supposed to hurt,” and “if you stop having sex with a guy, they’ll get blue balls, which makes you a bitch,” or “if you don’t want to have sex with someone you’re dating, you’re a frigid bitch and they’ll cheat on you with someone else.” AGAIN, ALL OF THOSE VIEWS ARE, OF COURSE, UNEQUIVOCALLY WRONG. But in that context, it makes sense why someone might feel powerless to say no, or like sex is supposed to be painful and they should just put up with it.

Look, I’m not going to say I know what happened between them that day, because ultimately, nobody will ever know except for the two of them. Maybe Gabby was an enthusiastic participant in this interaction and she’s trying to destroy Ansel’s career because he ghosted her (which in itself does not exactly look good for a guy who claims he cared about her feelings).

But to me, the situation seems to likely be a case of sexual assault, where Ansel Elgort leveraged his fame to enter into a sexual relationship with an unexperienced, young fan of his who felt like she couldn’t say no. Ansel may not see it that way (and from the statement he released, it seems like he doesn’t), but he does acknowledge he and Gabby had a sexual relationship in the time period Gabby alleges.

So what do we think is really more likely- that a young, powerless girl chose to baselessly accuse her powerful, celebrity ex sexual partner of assault, risking her public image in the process, or that said powerful, celebrity ex-partner assumed that she was okay with what was happening, because he’s a celebrity who people rarely say no to and because he was raised in an environment that taught him not to care about female consent?

Ansel Elgort isn’t Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby. But sexual assault is not binary like that, and the demands that purity culture puts on celebrities to be either “pure” or “cancelled” doesn’t leave a lot of room for those nuances. Just because it wasn’t an incidence of him drugging someone and assaulting their unconscious body doesn’t mean that it wasn’t wrong or that this girl wasn’t traumatized by what happened. And just because someone didn’t intend to sexually assault someone else doesn’t mean they didn’t.

I also think a lot of women have experienced what this girl has gone through and don’t view it as assault, so I also understand how acknowledging this incident as assault may make people uncomfortable about their own experiences. That said, “being unkind” and “having a regrettable experience” and “he kept going and didn’t pay attention to my discomfort” are assault. Per the letter of the law and otherwise. Just because they’re not cases of forced penetration doesn’t mean they’re not assault, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be punished, and it doesn’t mean that you “shouldn’t” be emotionally impacted by them.

I hope this all comes off as fair and balanced. I try really hard to not pass judgement on situations I’m not part of, and I try to take into account all the different factors that impact a given situation. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m invalidating their own experiences with sexual assault or, on the flip side, that I’m jumping on the kangaroo court of public opinion. Like I said at the beginning, maybe more information will come out that will change my mind, but for now, this is where I’m sitting on the issue.

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

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aleapoffaithfiction · 5 years ago

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XV.

"When love touches us, it dissolves the walls of misunderstanding and builds a bridge that helps us walk towards each other."- Mimi Novic

“We’re doing the whole set today. You’re on a roll my man. Let’s finish up strong.”

Don’t ask me what the hell a gastrocnemius-soleus complex is because I certainly don’t remember it although I majored in Human Movement back at LSU. Supposedly, I should feel it all in my calf but I can’t deny how much I’m feeling the pressure in my ankle too. Rather than using a chair for support, we’re on the stairs with my hand firmly grasping the banister with both of my feet pressed down onto the bottom step.

“Come on. You got this.”

My glare swiftly panned up from the steps and landed on Sarai, who stood at the very top of them with her entire leg purposefully exposed to me. The Nike shorts she snagged out of my closet are so loose on her, that she was able to easily pull up the half leg of material to the very top of her thigh. Like a hitch hiker attempting to quickly garner the attention of a driver, she wiggled her leg and ended her antics with a wink that instantly sent my trainer and finally myself into roaring laughter. As ridiculous as it looked, it was by far, the most hilarious aspect of all of her comical actions put forth all morning long to keep me as motivated as possible during today’s physical therapy process.

As soon as my alarm went off at six, I was up to start the day and so was she. We stood together at the sink, brushing our teeth while unnecessarily splashing one another with water so either she or myself would move out of the way so one of us would be able to rinse first.

I won.

I’ve never utilized the granite bench inside of the shower until she disrobed herself and stepped inside with me. What was supposed to be a quick wash turned into a waiting time that I’m sure my trainers were not pleased with, though they patiently waited downstairs with Ben. Just the sight of her impeccable body was more than enough to further ignite my need for her. She’s a goddess in her bare state. The seamlessness in her milk chocolate skin radiates in a manner that triggers me to gawk at her and completely lose awareness of both my surroundings and daily purpose beyond our moment. It’s like waving a steak in front of a hungered wild jungle lion. I will never not pounce at the opportunity to be with her; inside her.

I left her in the room after scolding her back into the bed because she’s certainly not over the flu. The silence from the second floor influenced me to believe that she’d gone back to sleep, but when she thought I wasn’t paying attention, she crept downstairs has and been observing our current rehabilitation process ever since. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to working two or three times harder than my usual under her gaze. Her presence alone served as a motivating factor to cease the sometimes-negative state of mind I tend to fall into when I reflect on all that needs to be done to get me back out on the field. I never look forward to hearing what the media has to say about me, whether bad or good, but like anyone else within my field, I cannot help but to pay attention to it because it’s there and unless you completely shut yourself off from the world, it’s inescapable. In looking at my lady this morning, I’m looking forward to hearing what she has to say when she’s reporting about my explosiveness at training camp and the redemptive comeback season that I’m going to make sure that I have. I have to win it all. I’ve sat far too long for me to not come back and get it done.

“Good job champ. You want to take a break?”

“Nah. Let’s keep going.”

Another two and half hours went by; sending us well off into the early afternoon. Not even the smell of lunch and Sarai and Ben’s loud banter from the kitchen served as a distraction. Perspiration covered nearly every part of me as I trekked up the stairs to the bathroom for a shower and though I took one, it was pointless due to my desire to sit inside of the steam room.

When I first took a walk through of the house with the realtor, I snickered at the idea of a steam room being in the house, let alone me sitting inside of it. I’ve always looked at that as a spa type of a situation that mostly women enjoy. I’m not even into the cold or hot tub rehabilitation practices after extensive workouts at our training facility because my patience tends to wear thin after standing or even sitting there for over ten to fifteen minutes. After moving in, I would walk past it for a while without even considering giving it a try no matter how many times my momma raved about it, but after one mentally draining day earlier this year I needed some time to myself and I chose to sit in there to be away from any outside distractions in the house and most of all, from my phone.

The more technology advances, the more we’re unable to set our phones aside from an extended period of time. They’ve become our source for everything; communication, entertainment, keeping track of health, research, and just about anything else that the internet is able to aid us with. We’ve reached a point of not being able to help ourselves with the manner in which we crave to have them in our hands. We panic when the battery hits below seventy percent, we’re buying portable chargers or begging people to use theirs whenever we’re out of the house or car, and a lot of the time we’re timing just how long we’ll be somewhere based upon how much charge is left. I’m guilty of it, so I have no room to pass judgement on anyone for it. I’m trying to get better at it stepping away from it though and the steam room has been one of my forms of discipline.

With my phone sitting in some other room, I’m able to be one with my thoughts. It’s my time to sort through the clutter in my head to figure out where I’ve gone right, where I’ve gone wrong, and what needs to improve for the betterment of my mental space and what’s happening around me. There are times when I’m sitting there without much of anything to concern myself with and I’m just trying to find a place of relaxation. Today might be that. In the midst of the workout, I was able to management my thoughts. Now, I’m just trying to get these aching muscles together.

“May I join you? Maybe I can sweat the rest of this flu out.” My eyes instantly opened to stare at the beauty of Sarai’s face and I used my hand to gesture her inside. Like myself, her smooth skin was covered with a pure white towel while her braids were pulled up into a sloppy bun with a few strands of them falling all over the place.

“The little green light outside gave away your hiding place.” Her presence sitting alongside me only intensified the warmth swarming my frame. Like a magnet, my eyes glanced over at her illuminating legs as they stretched out in front of her and she blissfully sighed at the feeling of peace.

“It’s okay. I’m willing to share it with you.”

What I thought was solace prior to her presence didn’t feel quite like it does with her here now. Every exhale soothed the tension from the hours of training as the drawn-out inhales of her intoxicating scent drowned me into a drunken elation. The dampened skin of her arm brushed against mine with her slight movements, leaving trails of chills trickling onto various areas of my awakening frame. My every sense instantly became hers to control; hers to summon for anything she desires. She is my peace and yet she is a flammable fluid to the flames; igniting me for what is sure to be severe and fiery. My once tightly closed eyes, ripped open and glinted over at the calmness radiating from her and I wordlessly scolded myself for having every intention to interrupt that. My teeth wrenched my bottom lip when the tips of my fingers met the very top of the delicate towel and our glares instantly met as I unraveled it to reveal everything that I wanted.

“Come here.”

Without hesitation, Sarai stood to her feet leaving the towel idly lying on the bench and gradually straddled my lap in the exact manner that I yearned for her too upon the sight of her. Inexorably, her supple lips meshed into mine, sending a bliss spiraling through every aspect of me. My eyes closed yet again, but it wasn’t darkness I saw. Bursts of colors flashed before me, alleviating any remaining tension I may have had while melting away my awareness of anything beyond the two of us.

As soon as my lips peeled away from hers, I trailed them over any area of her moist skin that was within reach. Her hips bucked, beginning a purposeful tormenting as she grinded into my lap. Foreplay or anything of its sort were the last thing on her mind, prompting me to battle with my lead and her own.

“Don’t make me wait.” And just like that the stiffening worsened along with the tight grip I had on her hips. Just as I had reached for her towel and successfully removed it minutes ago, she was now reaching down between us for mine.

“I never do.” My tongue laved over her nipple causing a sharp hiss to spill from her lips.

With one arm lifting her up to give me just enough space, I was able to discard of my own towel. To feed my ever-going curiosity, my fingers slicked along the wetness oozing from her while unified grunts filled the steamy space around us. As my thumb strummed over her most sensitive point, the impatience worsened. Her fingers raveled into my hair, lightly tugging at it to draw me in for yet another kiss.

“You gon’ ride it?”

“Please.”

I didn’t need to hear anything else.

Within seconds, she was lowering herself onto me; sending a rush of uncontainable chills nipping at every nerve ending I have. The profanity that left me was instant. The warmth from the steam was no longer relevant because it was of no match to the heat of her throbbing flesh snugly wrapped around me. My arm locked around her waist for some form of self-composure, but I failed in what I sought out as she unhurriedly rocked to and from me. Any form of control I thought I have ceased as soon as my head met the wooden wall behind me while my eyes watched her perform.

“Damn, Sarai…” The unparalleled sensation was one thing but her damn near mythical like aura in the midst of it was sending me into a wild delirium. Her skin gleamed, under the dim lighting. The sheen of perspiration covering it only enticed me to lick at her; satisfying any thirst that I have. The perkiness lightly bouncing on her chest sent my attention span into a frenzy as I constantly panned my eyes between her face and them. I’d sound like a dickhead if I thanked God for her getting sick, which then granted me all of the time I’ve had with her this week, so I won’t. I’ll just be thankful for the time and how much we’ve been doing this since she starting feeling better.

A piercing yelp filled my ears as I pulled her down, further deepening myself into her. Shudders washed over me, leaving my mouth agape in a disbelief. I could hear Ben calling my name in a distance from the door, which prompted me to cover her mouth with my own, in a hushing kiss. While it lowered the timbre, if he stepped to and stopped in front of the door, we’d be guilty as charged. The reality of that was of no interruption to our moment or Sarai’s hips.

“Shhh…” My warning against her lips evoked a grimace to form on her gorgeous face as she pulled the bottom one in-between her teeth. With every touch of her finger tips to my scalp, an electricity nipped at my skin, shutting down any aspect of composure I was trying to keep and evoking the animalistic aspect of myself that I only know to show itself on the field. The only healthy drug that exists; she is that. My escape; she’s become that. I don’t know or realize any sense of time when she and I are together; I’ve surrendered myself completely to her without fear of any outcome that our future fate may be.

And in my addiction to every aspect of her, I am secured in knowing that I am not alone in what I feel. I know it to be true in the way that she steals glances of me when she thinks I’m not paying attention. I can hear it in her tone when she’s encouraging me and recognizing the greatness that she takes pride in me having. I recognize it in the way that she looks after me while also holding me accountable to properly look after myself. I can feel it in everything; her kisses, hugs, caresses, shit right now. Right fucking now.

“Fuck!”

My throat tightened while my grip on her hips tightened even worse than they already were. It was her turn to kiss me into a muffled silence. My heart’s writhing against my chest quickened. Our hazy eyes remained locked on one another while a mutual ecstasy arose. Any self-awareness I had left relinquished itself to her world; allowing me to bask in what is unlike any other that was before her and anymore never to come. Our cries voiced out against our lips, hers before mine as I wanted it to be and yet mine soon after.

Breathlessly, I continued to kiss her as our frames shuttered, relishing in the elation.

“You think he heard us?”

“I don’t care.”

And I don’t.

Despite the sweat suit and North Face coat serving as a protective barrier over my body, the brisk whirling air swarmed and numbed me to a standstill as while I watched the doors run around the backyard area to stretch themselves out. Though it hasn’t started yet, the cloudy sky gave warning for the pending snow that should be making its presence known by sometime tomorrow morning. The weather reports are inflicting fear within the tri-state area with their eight to twelve inches predictions but I’m assured in all of it being an over exaggeration.

For the most part, since I’ve been living in New Jersey, we usually never get as much as they say we are. Sometimes, I anticipate one of those historic blizzards and the concept of being snowed in the house but the reality of the headache that is the clean-up process settles in and my mind swiftly changes. Also, being snowed in the house is only a cool situation depending upon who you’re snowed in with.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit too cold out here for them?” I glanced back to find Sarai halfway outside of the sliding glass door fully dressed, but without the barrier of a coat or shoes. Just as I’d been doing, she quietly glanced up at the sky to assess the shift in the weather.

“It’s not too cold for them. It’s too cold for you. Get back in the house.”

“Did you forget that I was born and raised in Brooklyn, Nola man? I’m not fazed by the cold.”

“Yeah, but you’re not completely better yet. Don’t mess up your progress. What’s with the clothes? I thought you were just going to throw on something from my closet to longue around in.”

“I was, until I realized that it’s going to snow tomorrow. I’m going to have to drive to Brooklyn to make sure the ground is salted in front of my mom’s house. Actually, I’m probably going to have to go to the store to buy the salt. She never remembers to get any. Then there’s my house. That’s the part about being a homeowner that sucks. Usually my neighbor is kind enough to help out without me even asking him to, but I don’t want him to feel like I’m depending on him to do it.” To further disregard my request for her to go inside, she stepped out of the door just a bit more and summoned Mowgli to her with two pats to her lap.

“Your neighbor?”

“Yeah, he lives a few houses down from me. He’s damn near sixty-five years old and has a wife, who he’s been married to since he was twenty. It’s admirable.”

“Forty-five years of marriage? Wow.”

“Exactly. They’re still super smitten by one another too. He looks out for me from time to time when it comes to stuff like shoveling snow or putting ice down because he views it as a man’s job. He has that old fashion aspect to him, although I think it’s silly.”

“It’s not silly. It’s proper. I can go to your house and put the salt down. Just give me the keys. You can go to do what you need to do for your mom, so that you can come straight back here.”

“Don’t worry about it. The last thing I need is you getting hurt trying to pour salt everywhere. I have it under control. Besides, you need to spend some time with your friend. I’m sure he’s tired of seeing my face around here. I’m not one hundred percent but I feel a lot better. We can switch back to our normal roles of me as your nurse and you as my defiant patient now.”

“Ben doesn’t pay bills in my house.” My response wasn’t amusing to me, but it certainly was to her. Her laugher was loud enough for both myself and him to hear it, if he’s nearby. Last I remembered, he was sitting in the kitchen, frowning, and complaining about sometime. I wasn’t listening.

“Yeah, but he’s here visiting you. How fair is it that I’m intruding on that?”

“Intruding? I want you here.”

“And you want him here too. Be fair.”

“So, you’re going home?” I knew the answer to that question and yet I still asked though it’s the last thing that I want to hear. I thought she’d be here until she goes back to work. We don’t ever get stretched of time to be around one another in the manner that we’ve had this week and to say I’m spoiled is an understatement.

“I’m like ten minutes away. If the snow isn’t too bad tomorrow, come and see me. If not, I’ll come to see you.”

“Or you can just stay.”

“Don’t be stubborn. You’ve had me for days.”

“Hmm.” Khan darted off to retrieved the nearly deflated football I threw off to the far left. It was in a good condition days ago, before he sunk his teeth into it and put tiny holes around its perimeters.

“Don’t be like that. Come and give me a kiss.”

Rather than walking in her direction, I remained in place to purposefully taunt her with my slight irritation and pigheadedness. She remained just as amused as she’d been when I mentioned who pays my bills. It wasn’t long before I felt her warm body wrapping itself around me. Her giggles were muffled as she pressed her face into the back of my coat while clutching my as tight as she could.

“You are so stubborn. Kiss me.”

“No problem.” I lifted my arm so she’d be able to swing around to be in a closer proximity to my face and I pressed my lips into her forehead.

“Kiss my lips now.”

“Take off your pants.”

“Not those! Come on. I want to get to the store because people are ridiculous when winter storms are coming.”

To oblige her plea, I finally leaned down to give her the “see you later kiss” she needed before parting ways with me for the day. If she just stayed, we could be kissing all day long.

“I’ll call you when I get in the house.”

“Alright. Drive safely.”

“Will do, handsome. Eris, you want to come home with me?”

“No, she does not. Leave my child right where she is.”

“You’re so petty. She loves me. They all do, actually.” Though I waved her off, I know they do. She spoils them whenever she’s around and she’s starting to get them accustomed to jumping up on my furniture. We’re going to have to have a talk about that though, because they know better and they’re going to continue to know better.

“If you’re going to be a momma to my dogs, we’re going to have to split their bills. The vet, grooming, and feeding them isn’t cheap.” We smirked in unison. “I can do that, for as long as daddy is splitting momma’s bills.”

“I can do that for as long as momma is splitting on daddy’s….”

“Okay, okay, shut up! I’ll call you.” Her hands flew up in surrender at the shift in the conversation and she blew me a kiss before stepping back inside.

Aside from rehab, I really haven’t done anything this week other than shack up in the house, as old folks call it. That’s never been me. Since coming into the league, sitting still hasn’t been something I’ve been able to do and I’ve gotten so accustomed to constant movement, that I’m even doing so when I’m on my own personal time.

Whether it’s New York or L.A., there’s always something going on and I somehow find my way being a part of it. Most would attribute it to my age and lack of a personal responsibility aside from myself, but there’s also an aspect of loneliness to this life that you don’t realize until buying anything that comes to mind starts getting old, visits from the family aren’t as frequent because they have their own lives, and having your friends in your face twenty four seven isn’t as entertaining anymore.

My first three years in the league was filled with more partying than I ever experienced. I went from being a young twenty-one-year-old thinking I was coming into this solely to focus on playing football and to provide for those that I love, but that catch exposed me to a totally different aspect of all of this and I definitely got wrapped up in it. A lot of analysts now reference to me as a superstar celebrity who just so happens to be a great professional football as either a deliberate insult or as an unnecessary excuse for the poor attitude, they believe I have. I’ve had fun for sure, but there’s been something about being under the radar while dealing with my injury that has not only humbled me, but also exposed me what I wasn’t seeing in the midst of the partying and drinking.

I don’t miss it at all. It sounds crazy to even say or contemplate, but I don’t. I guess that’s what meeting the right one does to you? It’s a joke that I even laughed at Shep for the way he quickly became head over heels in love and obsessed with everything about Chanel. We used to tease him as a collective whenever he raved about her and humorously dismissed him from our childish Apex Predator’s Club but it’s really starting to feel like I’m dismissing myself too. Am I really clocking the fuck out?

Sheesh.

“Aye. Struggle Face. What the fuck we getting into now that you decided to bring yo ass up for air?”

“I’m about to make some calls for invites. Game night. Order some pizzas and wings.”

“Or we can all just go to Bowlmor Lanes.”

“That’s cool too.”

I guess getting out for some air in Manhattan could be good for me.

I pride myself on my capability to be well rounded in most sports, but bowling is equally a hit or miss. On a good day, I’m embarrassing anybody who steps up to the lanes, but tonight, I’m getting by ass handed to me by both Shep and Ben’s asses. I won the first round and I’ve been in a slump ever since. Maybe it’s because I mentally clocked out an hour ago.

“I’m so mad that we didn’t bet money. I could have been blowing a bag over at the Supreme store right now.” Because I drove, I passed on the alcohol. I’ve been babysitting this glass of strawberry lemonade for a while now. The ice already melted in it.

“I’m letting your ass win.”

“Aye Shep, you hear this sore loser?”

“You know O hates losing. He doesn’t even mind that he’s a sore loser. He’ll tell you that he’s one himself.”

“I will. I don’t mind losing here though, because this shit doesn’t count and I’m not going full out.”

“Now he’s not going full out. Man, whatever. I’m kicking your ass fair and square. You lucky I ain’t put it on the ‘gram and embarrass you even more.” Ben stuffed a handful of fries into his mouth and stuck up his middle finger at me as he chewed them. His lead isn’t even that impressive for him to be talking all of this smack, but I’ll let him have it.

“What’s been up with rehab bro? I know we touched on it before, but how’s it been going since I was last over there?”

“It’s been good. We ramped it up some more and we’re incher closer to working on stamina and agility. I still have those sore days but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. I’m just glad to be back on my feet.”

“Word. We ready for you to bring your ass back. The locker room’s been dulling without you. I been trying to hold it down, but it’s not the same.” It’s always good to hear that. This season has been a tough one to watch from home. The possibility of making it to the playoffs was nowhere near possible. Lost wise, it’s the Giants’ worse season yet. It’s been frustrating to even think about. We were already zero and four going into the game where the injury happened and not much momentum picked up from there.

“I’m working. Can’t wait to be back brother.”

“Yeah, he’s working, playing nurse, and practicing how to make kids all at once. That’s one multitalented mu’fucker.” A bit of Shep’s drink slipped out of the side of his mouth as he snickered at Ben’s slick ass commentary.

“Wait. What you mean?”

“Sarai moved in.” As soon as the lie left Ben’s lips, I sucked my teeth.

“Damn, y’all moving like that already?”

“You really believe this dumbass? She caught the flu and stayed with me until she was feeling better. Since she wasn’t going to work, it just made sense.”

“So, you’ve hung up your cleats to become a nurse now? Okay, house husband. I see you.” Their laughter came with justification. I deserve that. I did it to him for a while, so it’s only right that he does it to me. I can be a sore loser, but in this case fair is fair. The joke’s on me.

“Real funny.”

“You should have seen him. He had Renee in there making all these soups and teas and shit. He was bringing that shit upstairs to her, giving her medicine, and rubbing stink ass Vicks on her.”

“Did you do the choo choo train or the airplane when you were bringing the spoon of medicine towards her mouth?” If Victor was here, he and Shep would have been going back and forth with the jokes endlessly. I definitely miss having his guidance around. He’s still my family nonetheless.

“Ya’ll done?”

“You called me high maintenance for dating a supermodel but you’re with a sports analyst.”

“He’s dating the enemy Shep. I thought you hate the media.”

“I don’t hate the media. I just think the media doesn’t give people the opportunity to grow; well at least some of them don’t. They stick to one narrative about you no matter what you do. Other than that, it’s whatever. I have a lot of respect for plenty of the sports reporters. I love Kim Jones. Kobe and Chad are great additions. Cris Carter is cool. We speak from time to time.”

“But everybody loves Sarai Nazaire though. I’ve never anyone say a bad thing about her. If anything, dudes have been plotting on ways to get at her. You saw Otto at Chanel’s party.” Of course, he’d bring that up. He’s just as entertained by it now as he was that night.

“That’s not important.” I’ve heard more than enough of it. She’s locker room talk no matter where you go. Her name will randomly come out of someone’s mouth at a social gathering and most of all, when I’m surrounded by a bunch of guys who can’t help but to shift the topic of conversation to women they’re trying to turn into another notch on their belts. It’s no lie that she’s a popular name within those conversations, but the part that always remained interesting was her lack of acknowledgement and attentiveness to it. It’s what made them deem her to be intimidating and arose questions of whether she’s a “bitch” in person or not. Of course, she’s never been anything of that sort, which worsened plenty of desires.

I get it. When I was sitting across from her during the interview we did up in Bristol, I could barely focus on what she was saying. My mind was on everything about her other than her words, but by the grace of God I was able to pay attention just enough not to expose myself. Granted, I made the running joke of a video about guys who lust over her, so I wasn’t as composed as I wish I was.

“Does your mom like her?”

“Yeah, she loves her.”

“Yeah, probably because she has a legit job. I can’t say the same thing for all of your past situations.”

“Keep talking shit and you gon’ have frost bite all over yo’ ass from being kicked out in the snow.”

I finally gulped down enough of the watered-down lemonade to leave the glass half filled. My phone vibrating in my pocket captured my attention next.

I miss you.

I wasn’t expecting that. I figured she’d had enough for me for the week, hence why she left but clearly not. I can’t suppress my smile even if I tried to.

I miss you too.

I missed her as soon as she left me standing outside with the dogs.

I grabbed a couple of things from the grocery store and couldn’t help but to grab your favorite snacks. Maybe you can stop by for a little while?

Sarai’s about to have me go out like a sucker in front of my friends. Shit.

I’ll be there in less than an hour.

“I know that look. That boy is out of here. Ben look at him. He’s about to bail out.”

“We’re done playing anyway.”

“We paid for two more games. You really about to leave? If you do, I’m never going to stop making fun of you. Oh, and I’m replacing you with young Shep as a friend. This man is getting married and he’s sitting right here.”

“By the time you get back to the house, I’ll probably already be there. Don’t sweat it. I’ma bust your ass in Call of Duty before the night is over.”

“Nah, we done. I’m never coming back up here again. I’m keeping my ass in Florida.”

“You’ll be back.” I had to laugh. His over exaggeration never ends.

“Yeah, but not to visit yo’ sucker for love ass.”

“Shep, I’m gon’ plan something at the house right before Christmas. Maybe two or three days before. Come through.”

“I’ll be there.”

“You want me to drop you off at the house or yall gon’ stay and play those games?”

“I got him. We’ll play and head back.”

“I’m bringing a gang of bitches back to your crib with me.”

“Whatever.”

As soon as I pulled my hood over my head, I stood up from the table and began to quickly make a dash towards the exit. The pending snow fall left the place without as much of a crowd as they usually have, which allowed me to not be approached by anybody for anything. I usually don’t mind it, but sometimes people don’t understand when you want to have a moment of normalcy without having to stop for pictures. It almost starts to feel like you’re in a fish bowl or like you’re a zoo animal caged in with all of these spectators just looking at you and waiting for you to do something to entertain them. Any moment where I can be out on the scene alone or with people without much hassle is a moment that is appreciated tremendously. I already have slight paranoia of what that type of stuff will be like when I’m a parent and I’m out somewhere with my kid or kids.

Rather than taking the Henry Hudson Parkway straight to Fort Lee, I took New York-495 West into New Jersey 495 West because it was the better route and had no traffic whatsoever. That less than an hour time frame I gave her was a promise kept because I was parked on her street no more than thirty-five minutes after my departure from the city. Yet again, my hood was over my head as I jogged up her steps. Aside from the elevator, another great aspect of Sarai’s house is the view of the river. I always take a glance at it while I’m standing outside. Tonight, it looks even better with all of the holiday lighting covering all of the houses. Her banisters are wrapped with white lights and there’s a wreath perfectly hanging on her door.

“I didn’t think you’re get here this fast.” Our kiss was short and sweet. I could taste whatever chocolate she was enjoying. “And you drove the Rolls Royce. Really?”

“It’s usually the only one I drive.” It’s always funny to see her in Giants gear. It takes me back to when she questioned me about my assumptions of her being a fan or not.

“In front of my door though?”

“Sometimes you’re a bit too humble about who you are. It’s never going to be a surprise that you know people with money. Something smells good. You cooked?”

She stood there and continued to eye my car as I followed the fume of whatever was coming from the kitchen. I had wings while bowling but I have more than enough room for whatever that is.

“Shrimp alfredo. I made a Caesar salad too. Wine is on the counter.”

“I’m on it. Thank you, baby.”

“Uh huh.”

She stood at the door for as long as I was in the kitchen it seems because when I was on my way to the living room with my plate, she was entering with me. The dim lighting set the mood for whatever movie she had on pause.

“What were you watching?”

“The Preacher’s Wife. Whitney is so flawless in this.”

“This is a good one. I’d probably say The Grinch is one of my favorites, but I just enjoy watching A Christmas Story with my step-father Derek because he laughs at it like he’s never seen it before. I mean, he laughs until he has tears in his eyes and it just makes me laugh.”

“I laugh at it too. Ralphie is hilarious. My dad loved that movie.”

In the midst of me stuffing my face with arguably the best alfredo I’ve had aside from my aunt’s; Sarai became one of those people who everyone hates to watch a movie with. If she wasn’t mumbling along to every line that came out of Whitney Houston’s mouth, she was singing along to the songs while bopping that small head of hers. I had to tune her out when she began to rave about how fine Denzel Washington is because I’ve heard enough of that from my momma. He’s absolutely one of the elite actors’ period, I don’t even need to mention his blackness, but there’s a universal attraction to him amongst women of all age groups. He and Idris Elba are always the ones being mentioned.

“Baby.”

“Hm?” I noticed it when I sat down earlier, but it became all I could focus on once I returned from putting my empty plate into the kitchen. While her porch looked as festive as it needs to be, the blandness of the Christmas tree sitting in the corner of the room didn’t make much sense. Around it is boxes of what I’m assuming are the decorations that are supposed to be on it and rather than having the Christmas stockings hanging from her fireplace, they’re randomly piled up together on top of it.

“Why haven’t you decorated the tree? The porch looks great, but what happened in here?”

“I don’t know.” It was mumbled dismissively. She didn’t even bother to look in the direction of the tree.

“You didn’t have time or something?”

“I guess not.”

“Or you didn’t remember to do it?”

“That too.”

“Or you were planning to do it right before Christmas Eve?”

“Exactly.”

“Sarai.” I used the tips of my fingers to turn her head towards me. I kept her jaw lightly in my grasp to stop the frivolous lies in response to my questions. Eye contact became a challenge because she chose to look past me instead of looking directly at me. The once joyous expression on her face as she did her best to match Whitney’s unparalleled tone morphed into an anguished that she did not want me to see or experience. The glossiness in her eyes stifled me.

“It was a tradition between my dad and I. We used to do it together every year. I lost interest in it.” Guilt punched me in the gut at full force.

Her answer was already playing in my mind before she said it. Sorrow only fills her eyes at the subject of him. Typically, she grimaces in frustration when speaking about her mother. The strain between the two of them is a subject she tends to avoid but I’ve picked up on bits and pieces of it. For her sister, she’s usually rolling her eyes and scoffing at the manner in which they’re polar opposites. For her father, his death still torments her as if it happened just a few months ago or less. There’s a void within her life that leaves the pain of his loss weighing on her shoulders and hanging over her like the darkest cloud. The avoidance makes sense.

“What if you and I make decorating the tree our tradition? We’ll continue it together. The memories of you and your dad will always be special. I’d like to honor that with you by breathing life into the tradition again.” The questioning glare she held eased into a quiet contemplation with her own thoughts about my suggestion. If she turns it down, I’m okay with that. I’ll never force it.

“You can say no. I’m okay with that. I won’t push it.”

“There has to be hot chocolate with a lot of marshmallows in it. I’d usually bake cookies. I don’t have any cookie dough in here but I do have those butter cookies that comes in the tin can. You know the ones black moms keep everything but cookies in? Motown Christmas has to be on. My mom isn’t biased and can listen to anyone sing holiday music but for him, it always had to be Motown. Oh, and hats. They’re a must.”

“Okay, I’ll put on the water for the hot chocolate and I know Apple Music has to have the Motown stuff. We can do all of that.” A rush of excitement urged me to leap off of the couch and dash towards the kitchen.

“There’s no need to put water on. I have a Keurig. The box of Swiss Miss k-cups is in the first cabinet. The marshmallows are in there too.” We were a distance away but I heard her loud and clear. While the first cup brewed, I used my phone to look for the music we’d need to really set the mood for what we’re about to do. I don’t know the first thing about decorating a tree because my momma always does it for me, but I’m about to make Sarai’s look like something out of a catalog for the sake of seeing her smile.

“I found a bunch of albums baby. Which one?” “The one with the purple cover. It should have clouds and flowers on it too with something like a picture frame in the middle. I think that’s one of the better albums.”

“The one with The Temptations, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson and The Miracles, and Diana Ross and The Supremes?”

“That’s the one.”

I connected my phone to the Beats Pill she keeps in the kitchen to use while she’s preparing for something and hit play on the album she specifically requested. Michael Jackson’s childhood voice blared into the kitchen’s space immediately. As she dug through the boxes, I left the speaker and my phone in the living room so I’d have free hands for the cups of hot chocolate. Within minutes, I returned with those, with marshmallows spilling over just how she requested it.

“So how do we start this?”

“Well, we don’t have to worry about lights because it’s already pre-lighted with color and clear LED lighting, so I guess we just have to put the other stuff on.”

“Why do you have an artificial tree instead of a real one?”

“Because they shed and I’m not a fan of the smell.”

“Not a nature kind of a girl huh? Noted.”

“No, so don’t ever think you’re taking me camping.” Aloofly, her fingers scratched at her braids while we stood in place attempting to visualize exactly how this tree is supposed to look. I guess you just throw garland on it or something, right?

“Well, maybe we should figure out the color scheme first?”

“I have red and white ornaments, red and gold ones, or red and green. They’re sets and they’re all separated. Which set?” Is this supposed to be so complicated?

“All of them?” Our eyes met while I shrugged. It makes sense. They’re all Christmas colors.

“Okay. I guess it could work.”

Her once tidy living room began to look like a holiday catalog vomited in it as we dumped boxes of decorations everywhere in an attempt to figure out what we were going to do. Once those hats were secured on our heads, we frolicked in silver and gold garland while vocally butchering one song right after another. I didn’t realize I knew so many holiday classics until now.

“Alright, so these are tree picks. You just randomly place them anywhere. Just make it look good, I guess.”

“So, in here?” I stuck one in the velvety red petals into the tree and slapped my hands together to rid them of the gold glitter that donned the edges of the petals.

“Yeah. Like that.”

“Baby, what’s that Run DMC Christmas song?”

“Christmas in Hollis.”

“That’s the one.”

I grabbed my phone to make the switch and just as she knew I would, I start dancing around the living room. I hit any old school dance that came to mind with my camera on to capture it as I did so. She didn’t leave me out to dry. Once all of her laughing was over with, I had a dancing partner yet again. She one upped me by knowing the lyrics, so I had no choice but to go harder in the dancing area.

“Mariah! We have to hear Mariah next.”

“You have to perform it though. Lip sync battle.” “Put it on.”

She may not be able to sing like Mariah. That New York Giants may not be what anyone would consider holiday comfort wear. The sloppy bun she pulled her braids up into may not be what most would consider an ideal hairstyle. They can all go to hell too. All five foot five inches of her danced around the living room in what is by far the most flawless performance of the infectious song. An empty tube that once held golden ball ornaments was her microphone and I was the affection of her eye. I drowned into her essence so much that every lyric suddenly felt like they were written for and about me. The gleam in her eyes illuminated the living room far more than the lights beaming from the tree and the heated glare of the fireplace. Her smile? Infectious. My cheeks were beginning to ache because of my own. I’m never doing karaoke with her.

“Your turn!”

“Nah, you got it.”

“Oh, come on. Pick a song.”

“I’d fall flat after that”

“You better not show anyone that video either. I know I look dumb as hell.”

“You look adorable.” A light mush to my head came instantly.

With an arm hanging over her shoulder, we stood together and observed the work we’d done on the tree. I’m not sure what else we could add. We’ve been at it for hours, putting stuff on, taking some off, and replacing it with what we thought would look better. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and whatever else.

“Wow.”

“Right.”

“That looks…”

“Like shit.”

“Right.”

We cackled knowingly. It looked like crap all along and yet we continued with carelessly placing all that she had anywhere we saw fit to place it. We had no real strategy or methodology. We sought out fun and that’s what won in the end.

“It’s our shit though.” That prompted me to kiss her forehead. “I needed this. Thank you.”

“I don’t need a thank you. I’m just glad we did it. We can fix it in the morning.”

“No, it’s staying just like that. It’s so funny.” I think Charlie Brown’s struggle tree might look better than the clutter we have sitting in the corner of the room.

“What would happen after you finished decorating the tree?”

The curtains were drawn back just enough to display the falling snow outside. The flakes were thick and beautifully cascading to the thin sheet covering ground.

“A movie; usually my pick.”

“Well, what’s your pick.”

“A Miracle On 34th Street, with ice cream.”

“We’re going from hot chocolate to ice cream?”

“Yes. I’ll fix it. You put the movie on. It’s already in my purchases on the Apple TV.”

Under a red and black flannel throw, we closely curled up on her plush couch with chocolate fudge sundaes. Mine was practically melting as the bowl rested on the coffee table near the sectional. Our legs intertwined at random points while she laid back against my chest savoring every remaining bit in her own bowl. As if she’d never seen it before, her concentration on the film never faltered but I was only able to massage her scalp through her braids while mentally reliving this entire week, including tonight’s festivities.

Shep’s question at Chanel’s birthday party came to mind. I couldn’t and didn’t answer it then.

New York has never felt like home until now. Everything I feel is so peculiar and yet so addicting. It’s absolute, with indescribable and infinite measures. In the midst of a time that I thought would be traumatic and chaotic, I’ve found an unimaginable peace that I have innately gravitated towards and come to cherish more than just about anything else going on in my life. What felt like a bleak future beyond my professional life has now opened up sharp visions of a path to take that will ultimately lead me to a fulfillment. I’ve gone from dreaming about what life would be life with the woman I came to admire on my television screen to now never wanting to envision life without her.

I’ve always heard to love is to genuinely want more for someone than you could ever want for yourself and there’s nothing more that I want than for her to have all of the goodness this shallow world has to offer.

Without being hesitant or unnerved I can confirm his question. It’s without a doubt.

#odell beckham jr fanfic #odell beckham fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #fan fic #obj fanfic

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dancingwithdylan21 · 7 years ago

Text

No Longer You

Summary: Now a shell of her former self, the reader runs into an old flame.

Pairing: Stiles x Reader

Word Count: 1,781

Warning: implying an abusive relationship

Green cancels out red.

Yellow cancels out purple and brown…no purple and blue.

And lavender cancels out…yellow?

Jesus Christ. This shouldn’t be that difficult, hiding the evidence of your home life is now a normal occurrence. The three concussions you’ve acquired over the years must be catching up to you.

You’re squinting harshly at the Revlon concealers on the top shelf before you at the supermarket. Trying and failing to remember which ones work the best, basically whatever hides the fucking truth.

Your exhausted brain is practically mush at this point in time, you used to know this shit. You used to know a lot of shit. You used to be a strong, independent take no bullshit kind of a woman that took care of herself. But things clearly change. People fucking change.

You’re feeling a bit woozy at the moment, either from the lack of food or from the lack of focus, you’re not sure which. Moving backwards you try to control your balance, causing you to stumble into an older woman passing by.

“Oh! I’m sorry!” You spin around to apologize, immediately regretting the fast movement.

“You ok, honey?” The woman asks eyeing you too closely for your liking.

The automatic judgement is something you’ve become accustomed to over the years. You’re convinced it chips off a piece of your pathetic heart each time.

“I’m fine. Thanks.” You barely mumble turning away from her in the makeup aisle. You can still feel unwelcomed eyes on you, aggravated you silently command yourself to just breathe.

“Y/N?”

You freeze from the sound of your name although you’re more concerned with the deep voice saying it. It can’t be him…can it? For the love of all things holy, please let it not be him.

“Y/N?” Stiles slightly hesitates, awkwardly staring as if you’ll run away any second.

You turn around painfully slow, stalling what’s about to take place. Your eyes lock, immediately waking something in you that you’ve been suppressing for years. Hope.

“Stiles.” You let out a heavy sigh as your chest tightens, you struggle wanting the pressure to dissipate as quickly as it came. Your body’s way of warning you, an asthma attack is on the horizon.

Out of habit, your eyes dart around the aisle, clearly paranoid about your surroundings. You quickly scan the area, assessing what you can. Where you are, who’s around, what’s being said and who’s listening.

“Wow. It’s been awhile.” He half heartedly chuckles, trying to keep his shocked reaction at bay. If it wasn’t for your sweet voice catching his attention, Stiles would have kept strolling right by you. Completely and totally oblivious that the love of his life is near.

“Yeah…six years.” You offer him your best fake smile, praying that time has ruined Stiles’ memory of you.

He doesn’t react, at least not in a negative way. Did he become an amazing actor? Or did he forget the look of your real smile? Either way, it makes you both relieved and disappointed. Stop it, Y/N. The last thing you want or need is to trap Stiles fucking Stilinski into this shitshow you call a life.

“What are you doing here? Last I heard you moved to...I think New York...for an architect job?” Ugh. You can barely remember shit anymore. It doesn’t help that you moved a few towns over, cutting off all ties with everyone that you cared about.

Stiles’ stomach drops, his mouth turns dry and he’s debating if he should tell you the truth. Worried what your reaction will be, he nervously decides against it. At least for now. You’ll find out soon enough what he’s been doing with his life. He silently makes that promise to you.

“Yeah. Scott and Alison still live close by with their daughter Kelly. She just turned two years old and they’re having a big party for her. So I’m just visiting everyone.”

“Huh. I bet they make great parents.” You mutter glaring down at your gorgeous, princess cut diamond ring that’s fucking mocking you. It’s become the only bright, attractive thing left in your god damn world.

“Yup they do.” Stiles nods following your gaze down to the giant rock on your bony finger.

“You’ve obviously settled down yourself. Any rugrats?”

“Nah…no kids. Its not something I want.” You shrug nonchalantly, eyes fixating on anything but your ex boyfriend.

“Really? You always wanted kids. Or at least one.” Stiles frowns eyeing you suspiciously. Shit.

“You couldn’t wait to have a little boy so you could dress him up in baseball caps and skull t-shirts.” Stiles snickers at the memory, your face would light up when you used to talk about it.

“Things change.” You add softly, realizing he will never know the actual truth.

Stiles barely nods in response, the restraint it’s taking to keep his mouth shut is nearly killing him. He doesn’t know specifics but he knows for sure that something isn’t fucking right.

Stiles has missed you terribly since the breakup, the amount of regret he deals with on a daily basis is sometimes overwhelming. It doesn’t matter how much whiskey he knocks back or how many girls he takes to bed, you’re always hiding in the corner of his mind.

And now here you are in the flesh, standing before him and you’re not her. It’s a total mindfuck, to be honest Stiles misses you even more now. Or at least the version of you that was his. The current version of you is breaking his fucking heart.

Glancing at your cuticles, he sees how marked and cut up they are from where you’ve repeatedly torn off the skin. You always pick at them when you’re anxious or upset. It’s an automatic tell of yours.

Your nails - usually perfectly trimmed and painted, are now ragged and thin. The texture of your hair looks dry and fried, the color and cut something you’d never choose six years ago.

Your wardrobe, once playful and always stylish is now drabby and depressing. You wouldn’t be caught dead in the oversized clothing you’re wearing right now. Even with the baggy clothes, Stiles can see how thin and fragile you’ve become. Which confuses him slightly based on the shopping cart in front of you.

It’s filled to the brim, the amount of junk food alone would make anyone gain weight. Weirdly enough, he doesn’t see one thing of yours that’s a favorite. Being a creature of habit, he would’ve bet money you still liked the same guilty pleasures.

You strangely keep favoring your right leg. It wouldn’t be obvious to many people but Stiles knows you’re usually full of energy, moving around even when standing still. So the fact that you’re not annoyingly restless is a huge red flag.

One of many at this point.

You know Stiles is dissecting your appearance in his mind right now but you refuse to acknowledge it. This surprise encounter is hard enough, seeing the best part of your past standing in front of you is torture.

Thinking back you realize the breakup was a stupid solution, the fights you two had seem so lame and unimportant now but you were young. Young and stupid. Still being with Stiles was the greatest time of your inevitably short life.

It’s not like you haven’t tried to create distance between you and your personal hell. There were other factors in play that wouldn’t let it happen. Your husband being a police officer has stalled every getaway plan you’ve tried.

You left in the middle of the night once, an APB was sent out so fast you barely made it two towns over. And reporting to the police was a joke, your husband made up mental problems for your “erratic behavior”. They knew the truth but it didn’t change a fucking thing.

Growing up in a family of cops, you know how they take care of their own. How easily they sweep shit under the rug if needed, unfortunately you were one of those things swept away. So he’s still “serving and protecting” the city while you suffer in silence.

“Are you…are you okay, Y/N?” Stiles asks concern overtaking his handsome features.

“Of course.”

“You don’t seem ok to me. You don’t even seem like the same girl.” He adds hesitantly.

“You’ve always been one for the dramatics, Stiles. I’m doing great.”

“You’re lying.” Stiles quietly growls, trying to control his anger.

“You haven’t seen me in a long time, Stilinski. Maybe you just don’t know me as well as you used to.” You glare now getting angry yourself.

“Right. You’re right.” Stiles snaps aggravated. “I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know your life or your husband. Or the reason why you no longer want children. Shit changes I guess, huh?”

“Exactly.”

“Well I’ve had fun strolling down memory lane but I have to go. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.”

“You too, Stiles.” You respond softly, doing everything in your power not to break down.

“I hope you find the happiness you’ve been pretending to have, Y/N.” Stiles adds bitterly, barely making eye contact as he leaves you behind.

The pure sadness in your eyes hits Stiles hard as he stalks away from you. He hates causing you any kind of pain but unfortunately it’s necessary for his plan to work. It’s blatantly obvious your home life is keeping you prisoner and there’s no way in hell that’s going to continue.

Stiles chose to hold back an important piece of information during your awkward conversation. He’s been working for the FBI for years now, using the architect job as a cover. Stiles always refrained from looking you up in the FBI database. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t been tempted, he could just never bring himself to do it.

It’s not like he expected to find anything negative - just the opposite. He assumed you were married with kids by now and living a full happy life. The kind you’ve always wanted and deserved. The kind he always thought he could never give you. Stiles is now kicking himself for being so fucking selfish. Maybe he could have saved you sooner if he put his god damn feelings aside.

The choice to keep you in the dark wasn’t an easy one but it’s for the best. You’re barely holding it together as it is, he doesn’t need any outside factors affecting his plan. He can’t risk your demeanor changing and it tipping off your douchebag husband.

Stiles has never been more determined in his entire life than he is right now. He’s going to save you, love you and do whatever it takes to see your beautiful, genuine smile again.

Masterlist

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the-a-factor-fs-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Kiss & Cry - Episode 3

Welcome to the third Episode of “Kiss & Cry”, Max Ambesi’s latest podcasts series.

Sorry for the delay in posting full translation!

If you missed previous Episodes, you can catch up with it here (1) (2)

In this third Episode, Max chatted about various topics with Angelo Dolfini (former Figure Skating Italian Champion, Tech Specialist and now Figure Skating Coach, plus Technical Analyst for Italian Eurosport), while Alessandro Genuzio acted only as host.

This second podcast is 119:20 minutes long, and it’s available to be listened in Italian here: https://www.spreaker.com/user/talk-sport/puntata-3

In the following translation, (M) indicates when M. Ambesi is speaking, (A) indicates when A. Dolfini is speaking, (H) when the Host, A. Genuzio, intervenes.

Translated by The-A-Factor Team. Please do not repost without permission.

Table of Content

Finlandia Trophy Results and Analysis of Kostner's programs and the criticism she received

Ice Dance - What the first competitions of the season told us

Junior Grand Prix

Evgenia Medvedeva and her performance at Japan Open

Various Q&A - Prerotations and technical issue on jumping technique, Ice Dance, Memorable Programs, and much more

[T/n: This translation starts at 4:00. In the first minutes, Genuzio thanks listeners for the feedback over last episode, introduce Max and Angelo and lists the topics covered in this episode]

Part 1: Finlandia Trophy

Analysis of Finlandia Trophy’s result. Focus on Carolina Kostner programs and the harsh criticism she received from some corner about her scores.

(H): Let’s start with the Finlandia Trophy, an important competition which had amongst its participants, Carolina Kostner. It was the third competition of the season for her, and there has been much noise and criticism about her programs and her scores, especially from the USA corner. Are these critiques fair? You discussed about scoring in previous Kiss&Cry podcasts, and here we have other experts and influencers of the figure skating world who spoke harshly against Carolina.

(M): The topic is complicated. We already talked about it in the first two episodes – not mentioning Carolina but speaking in general terms – but we have to go back to this topic in this episode as well.

Before speaking about scores, I’d start by looking at what Kostner did at the Finlandia Trophy. All in all, her performance was passable. She missed the combo on the first element of her Short Program and didn’t try to recover it later, which is understandable. Kostner didn’t sign up to win the competition at Espoo; a Senior B competition is not a goal for someone with her career. What’s important is to test out the programs and to skate them as planned (layout-wise) for bigger competitions. She did all the jumps well, combo aside, and even on spins, you can clearly see improvement: that’s a positive.

Free program, I’d say, was an improvement over Lombardia Trophy. Someone would tell me, “How? The TES is lower!” Sure, but we shouldn’t look just at that.

First thing, and a detail that I haven’t seen anyone highlight: Some amused themselves by writing about Kostner and what she did in Finlandia, but they understood little to nothing about the Free Program. Kostner did change where elements are placed in her FP, trying to deal with jumps when she has more energy. I’m not referring to the first three jumping passes - that remained the same as in Bergamo - but to everything else. She had some trouble with the Flip in Finland, but she did everything else fine.

Compared to Bergamo, she brought the Flying Camel (Spin) from the penultimate element to the first half of the program. The Step Sequence has been put at the end, and these changes allowed her to execute all the jumping elements after the Triple Rittberger well. Carolina can do better on that Triple Rittberger, but she did rotate it and got a positive GOE on it. And from there onward, nothing to say: the solo 3T was good - first jump in the second half - and then the combo 2A-euler-2S, the other 2A, the combo 3S2T towards the end that often gave her trouble in the past. What is it missing compared to the planned layout? That Triple Flip that would change her destiny. Kostner goes for “2+6”, two Double Axel and six Triples, but she does need two Triple Flips. If she nails those Triple Flips, one in combo with a Triple Toe Loop, Kostner can easily get to 140 in a FP. In SP, her goal is 75, and overall, it’s 215.

While there are many others who can get over 220, and probably 220 will be the cut to get a medal at the Olympics, it’s also true that pressure at the Olympics is high and a clean Kostner at 215 can put even more pressure on anyone whose surname is not Medvedeva nor Zagitova. So, I do think the current planned layout and competition strategy is the correct one.

(H): But let’s talk about harsh criticism. Some, especially Phil Hersh - a well known opinion leader, went really hard against Kostner. I’d invite you to go and read (what he wrote) on his blog, where you can find very strong wordings. “Ridiculous reputational scoring”, something we haven’t really read before.

(M): We haven’t read them before on a published article by a great fan of figure skating. A journalist who followed several Olympics. Someone who, before being a journalist, is a great figure skating enthusiast. We read them on international forums. We could hear them uttered near boards. Phil Hersh put them down on paper. The topic is complex and we often talked about Kostner’s PCS. As a matter of fact, on some components, she is close to perfection. On some others, she has lost something compared to the past. In my opinion, in terms of Skating Skills, she is not the same Kostner she was three years ago, but that’s normal if we consider that she is almost 31. If we speak about Transitions, instead, it’s the component she has always struggled with. Evaluation was high at Finlandia Trophy, as it was at Lombardia. To talk about it, it needs to be considered alongside how other skaters were evaluated.

Fundamental point: The rationale behind the new scoring system was to keep the technical aspect separate from what we can grossly defined as the artistic aspect. Why grossly? Because PCS is not only artistry, it’s something of a wider scope than what was the old Presentation Score under 6.0.

If we start with that in mind, it’s acceptable that a skater - who reaches around 50, 55 on TES - can get over 70 on PCS in a free program. The opposite also happens, there are clear examples of this and we’ll get to them later.

I do believe that there are skaters who can get close to Kostner’s PCS mark, and some who can also get something more than her. More or less, she always got those scores in the latest part of her career, so if there’s a problem, it’s not linked to the judges at Finlandia Trophy, but something broader.

It’s obvious that Kostner built her programs to make some specific characteristics of her skating shine. If you look at her upper body movements, there’s a continuous flow that never stops. A judge that is sensible to that, can be pressed to give high marks for that, especially since all those movements are always in tune with music. If you instead look at the lower part of her body, at what she does with her feet, then those scores can go down, at least speaking about transitions.

I think that before saying “it’s fair” or “it’s wrong”, we need to look at the broader picture about the way PCS are being evaluated.

If skaters that are really strong on it, and I can mention Jason Brown in men’s field, get scores (on each component) above 9, I think it’s a judgement that everyone can get behind, regardless of what they show on the technical side.

Must be noted that ISU introduced a new rule, this season: “if you fall, you can’t get to 10 in any component”, and that is a singular rule, compared to the past. We can agree on that or not, but we take note.

I think it may be correct that PCS are not purely linked to the technical aspect. I’ll mention an example and then I’ll let Angelo speak his mind on the matter.

(A): [interjects] No, they should NOT be linked, at all.

(M): Example: Zhou, a skater from the USA. He did four quads, one after the other at Espoo. Some good, some not, we’ll speak about it later. But if we take that out, there’s nothing. And when I said nothing, I mean the void. There are no real transitions, there’s not a moment on music, there’s no idea of a program. He got near 100 on TES, but on PCS didn’t get near 80 - his real value was 70; and he was evaluated that way. So maybe they started thinking about evaluating what a skater really does on ice.

Then Zhou can get 120 on TES, but he should remain on 70 for PCS. And if he gets evaluated that way, that’s the right usage of the scoring system in my opinion: it would mean it has been finally understood what the goal was when scoring system switched from 6.0 to COP.

(A): Yes, exactly, that’s the point. We talked about it also in last podcast, speaking also about possible changes in the rules. I think Kostner’s and Zhou’s cases are the opposite sides of the same coin: two borderline cases where this disjunction between TES and PCS is particularly evident. It must be said that not always is it so easy to have such evident differences (between the two part of scoring), and when the two sides of scoring get closer, sometimes it becomes almost a commodity for judges to score them on the same level. And to overcome this, I think we need better preparation on the judges’ part. Judges more used to analysing programs in every detail, even where differences are not so evident. I think this is the right road to optimizing this scoring system.

Of course, any scoring system requires time to get refined. Let’s not forget that Figure Skating history is more than 100 years old and the old scoring system has been used for one century.

(M): And about Carolina, what do you think?

(A): Regarding Carolina, I think those attacks are exaggerated. We never refrained to criticize Carolina and her choices in the past. As of now, I think her strategy is good. It’s normal to have programs with errors in September - and if someone does her programs clean now - like Medvedeva - it’s correct to hail them, because that’s something out-of-ordinary, for all others is normal to have some failings on technical elements now. But it’s fair to do an analysis of what the goal is and what weapons could be used to reach it.

That said, it’s undoubtedly true that Carolina is superior by far compared to the majority of other athletes under some aspects: the maturity she can express on ice, for example, and it’s fair that this superiority she has is reflected in some part of her scoring.

And instead of saying “PCS are ridiculous”, they should be analyzed. Where they should be higher, where they should be lower. Transitions should be way lower compared to other components where she is a benchmark for everybody else. For example, if as of now we speak about Interpretation, it’s hard to put someone else - even someone extremely good as Zagitova can be and whose skating is indeed more complex - on her level, a level refined by years of experience and by everything she went through.

So, I think you can’t attack her PCS tout-court, without giving a motivation.The analysis must be more complete and detailed, differentiating where a criticism (of her high components) is fair and where her components scores are justifiable, instead.

(M): Maybe where the situation really degenerated, well that has been in men’s field.

(A): There the scenario is different again.

(M): In the men’s field, evaluation of those who are the excellence of the sport has been flattened out in terms of PCS scoring. So you have Fernandez close to Hanyu - sometimes higher, sometimes lower - Chan the same, Uno is on the same levels… maybe there the difference should be more highlighted.

We spoke about it many times, but maybe it’s time to do something on PCS scoring, maybe let the maximum go to 120...

(A): So to accentuate the gaps.

(M): Exactly. I can’t see Jason Brown getting the same PCS as Shoma Uno at Lombardia Trophy. Shoma Uno is technically superior by a great margin to Jason Brown, that’s not even in doubt, but the other one is clearly superior on everything else, and again there’s not a doubt about that either.

(A): That’s fair. The goal is to give the chance to everybody to fight with their own weapons. And at the end, you settle accounts to see who the winner is.

Certainly, it’s not something easy to do (to judge properly), because we often forget we can analyze programs in every detail, watching and rewatching videos four, five times on Youtube, while judges only have those four, four minutes and a half plus another two at max at the end of a program to give their own evaluation on the five components and on all elements’ GOEs. It’s not an easy thing to do and it explains why you have all (PCS) scores on same corridor.

(M): Going back to Carolina, the free program at Finlandia Trophy is a good example of what you just explained. Because there were some issues on the first two jumping passes, that’s true. But after that, there’s a program without any major flaws and the program’s flow is continuous, it doesn’t get interrupted and in that way, a series of program components get emphasized, and they pull up other ones as well. And this is Kostner’s strategy, the only one she can implement now at her age to try and be competitive with athletes that are miles ahead of her, now.

I want to remark on a thing: her spins. They have never been her forte, and it’s clear you don’t win competitions with them, although they help to bring home high scores. The actual Kostner is an athlete who worked on those details [t/n bringing her spins at best of her abilities], because she can’t afford to lose even just one tenth of points on them - then we should open another topic on how high her Layback Spin level can be - and, once again, that’s the right strategy (for her). There’s no B plan.

(A): Exactly. She needs to bring home as much as possible on everything that’s not “jumps” and then to keep her fingers crossed on her hardest triple (t/n the Flip). If she starts losing points on spins, her road would be even harder. On the Layback, it’s now built to reach level 4 and - breaking news - its quality improved, too. Of course, it’s not her strong point also because of her physique, but the new rules allowed for solutions to raise the technical difficulty without the need to be hyper-flexible and Carolina tried to find those alternatives. I think the work done has been good and it has already borne fruits. It should be noticed.

On jumps, she might have more chance to complete them at best once her condition gets better, and at that point, those scores you gave earlier would be plausible. Athletes who have never been consistent may not find it so simple to catch her.

(M): See, for example, Gabrielle Daleman - bronze medal at last World Championships - who struggled greatly in Finland. It must be said that she had to take a break of a month in the offseason due to a minor surgery. She started her preparation late, her two new programs are still to be refined from start to finish, she also seemed a bit heavier – all things that are normal since she has no pressure to be in great shape now. Still, she was very far from her best. This is a skater of great power and when she is not in the best shape, she struggles to put down quality performances.

(A): That’s true. Although we need to stress out once again how much she improved, on the PCS side too: once upon a time her weak point. She is an athlete who can be a contender for Olympics, as she has shown last year. But she or Osmond, too, are athletes who may make mistakes, too. And if they do make mistakes, it may not be so simple to stay on par with Kostner, whose PCS basis is stronger.

(M): Finlandia Trophy winner was Maria Sotskova, an athlete that we aren’t discovering just now for sure. She is an athlete who is not so easy to rank in current Russian field. Medvedeva and Zagitova are on another league. But then you have (her), Pogorilaya, Radionova - although she seems to be a bit behind, right now - and then there’s a big question mark: her surname is Tsurskaya and her name is Polina. If this last one is in a good shape and no longer marred by injuries, she becomes a tough cookie for everybody else. She has quality on skating and distance and height on her jumps with no equal in the Senior category, as of now. Only Daleman’s Triple Toeloop - Triple Toeloop combo may come close to what Polina does on the great part of her jumping passes.

(A): She is an athlete we have heard of and followed around for years. She has been unlucky. But the Russian field is in good shape nonetheless. The third spot is an enigma, hard to predict. It may be Sotskova, or Pogorilaya, or a younger skater like Tsurskaya. Those you mentioned seem to be on the front line, and they may even podium at the Olympics, but the season is long and much can still happen. Inside Russia, but also internationally.

(M): Sotskova got a Personal Best in Finland and she can even complain about Short Program PCS where she could have got one point, one point and half, more. Her jumps were higher and better. She always managed to complete jumps, even if she had some problem on rotations from time to time, but quality on those elements had never been exceptional. (My) Impression is they worked hard to improve on that.

She added some features on jumps, too: and I’m speaking about Tanos, here. Not something she used to do as much. She can be competitive, too, reaching around 215 points. To go higher than that, something more may be needed and I’m not sure if she has the tools to do that ‘something’ more. Her start of the season has been convincing nonetheless.

Not many athletes went over 200, after all. Medvedeva, of course, Zagitova, Osmond and Higuchi, who is potentially a top, top skater: we will see how she’ll manage to come out from the Japanese minefield for Olympics spots.

The battle to get a spot on the Japanese Olympics Team among ladies is a topic worthy of a dedicated analysis in one of our next podcasts: I can’t remember a situation like this in Japan. With 7, maybe even 8 skaters if we add second tier ones, who can fight for the Olympics and just 2 spots to give out and to be decided in a showdown at the Nationals.

(A): There are many skaters who can aim for the team in Japan; there’s no clear leader of the field, today, and that’s the peculiar thing. The hierarchy is clearer in Russia, instead.

(M): Changing the topic to the men’s field, Finlandia Trophy showed the “state of the art” of the men’s figure skating. Many skaters tried to raise their technical repertoire. Many quads attempted. Many mistakes. Those skating a bit more cleanish, but without quads, did not win the competition. But at the same time, to risk and to bring these programs to the limit does not always give back rewards. Jin Boyang won the event, with much struggling and far from his best shape. Vincent Zhou skated better in his Free Program than in his Short one. But what surprises (the most) is Adam Rippon, who made few mistakes but did not have the points to overcome skaters who made many, many mistakes. And, again, it’s this detail that causes doubts to arise about the actual scoring system.

(A): Yes, even if some adjustments have already been taken. Let’s remember the rules on falls, for example [t/n: after third fall, deductions increase]. To dissuade from putting too many quads in a program that can give way to many falls. But the chosen path (by skaters) remained the same, and Boyang - even with many underrotations and a third place in the free skate - won the event; Zhou did many quads - some well done, some badly done - and even with low PCS - 10 points lower than Rippon, he stayed ahead. So the road is that one. And should they complete everything they plan, the gap with Rippon would have been far greater.

(M): And what could that mean for the Olympic Team on the USA front? That Jason Brown may remain home. How? Nathan Chen seems to be on another level compared to others. Zhou has much more points (than him) in his hands. And even a skater like Max Aaron - who already declared that he will go for two quads in SP and three in FP - who is weak on PCS side, if he lands everything, he can overcome Jason.

(A): Chen and Zhou seems ahead of others, but after those, Aaron, Rippon and Brown can all contend for that third spot. It’s an analysis that may be right, but we need to see which meter-of-judgement USFSA will decide to implement at the Nationals and what they want to favour, but the math is that.

Nathan Chen is impossible to leave at home. Vincent Zhou is too weak on the PCS side right now to compete with the other big names, but he is an interesting prospect for the future. The other three have no chance of (Olympic) medals, that is the reality. Too many others need to fail for that to happen. Still, they have three spots and that’s good (for them) and something they achieved on their own merit.

(M): About Pairs. Very well, Della Monica/Guarise, who skated an amazing Free Program. These skaters keep improving, year after year, hats off to them. Especially to Guarise whose past is in another discipline, a summer one: although Artistic Roller Skating is a sport good for every season, it’s not an Olympic Sport, which is the reason why Matteo decided to switch to ice. Matteo is the most successful European skater who made this switch. In North America, there have been other impressive examples, maybe more in other (ice) disciplines [t/n skipped brief excursus over skaters coming from roller skating and switching to speed skating]. So hats off to Matteo for the level he reached. Italy can count on two good Pairs, even if not up to the highest level of top ones. Top ones who - in some cases - showed to be still in search of a good condition. Stolbova/Klimov, to mention one of them.

(A): Their FP has been quite subpar, especially. A program in which they missed two elements: a lift and a spin invalidated, plus other mistakes, with another lift that got a no level, falls… But let’s not forget that Matteo and Monica managed to win the Free Program (over such a skate from S/K) also over couples like Peng and Jin, Canadian Lyushechkina/Moscovitch and Astakohva/Rogonov. It’s still early, many things need to be refined, but Matteo and Monica did go over 190 points in two different competitions and it’s not something to snub at.

(M): Indeed, right now (based on current condition), even Canadian Pairs - to mention a nation with great strength and tradition in the field - don’t seem so far from ours. We still need to see Marchei/Hotarek at their best, since they showed last season they can go over 200 points. Of course, medals will be won at the Olympics with over 220 points, probably even more. But our Pairs can aim for a good placement in the top 10, which would be an amazing result considering the depth of the current field.

(A): Amazing result also in light of our non-existent tradition in the discipline. Italian Pairs showed good quality over the last season. Marchei/Hotarek at Worlds, especially. Right now, Della Monica/Guarise are in better shape, but in any case both teams can aim for a prestigious result. Not a negligible detail, but they can all schedule their preparation for Olympics, totally relaxed, since there are two guaranteed spots and they are already sure of their place.

(M): Speaking of Della Monica/Guarise, they are acquiring good confidence on their historically weak point: side-by-side jumps.

(A): Triple Salchow gave good results also in the past, but that Triple Toeloop-double Toeloop is a new development. And to have two different triples to execute side-by-side can help them become an even more competitive couple, especially considering their already good quality on all other technical elements.

(M): A Pair that we are expecting to break 200 wall soon. A wall broken only by Marchei/Hotarek among Italian (pairs) skaters, and a wall that so far has been broken only by Russian Pairs, James/Cipres and German Pairs - but only with Savchenko on the team [t/n: in Europe]. We can be satisfied. Of course, Italian Pairs are not aiming for an Olympic Medal, we need to be clear on this. But a placement in top-10 would be an historical and an epic achievement, I want to repeat this point as well.

Part 2: Ice Dance

An analysis of the first competitions of the season.

Credits as shown

(H): Taking cue from some of the questions we got last week, let’s focus on the first Ice Dance competitions and let’s examine the situation thoroughly.

(M): Well, clearly, the hottest topic right now is the battle between Canadians Virtue/Moir - veterans of the discipline who have already won everything - and the younger French team Papadakis/Cizeron.

Last year the Canadians clearly prevailed, they only lost one segment of a competition - the free dance at the Worlds in Helsinki. In that competition, Papadakis/Cizeron won the free dance, thanks to some mistakes by Virtue/Moir, but this season, things seem more balanced.

Surely, analyzing the situation so early in the season isn’t easy. What’s evident right now is the scores those two teams obtained in their first competition - are frankly too high for the rest of their competitors. We have yet to see the Shibutani siblings and Chock/Bates, but the impression we got is that the Canadians and the Frenchies are on another level.

I’ll focus on the scores they received in their first outing and then we can go on discussing the technical aspects and the music choices. Obviously they took part in different events, even though they see each other very often on the ice - since they both train in Montreal under Marie France Dubreuil and Patrice Lauzon. My impression is that, on PCS, they’re basically on par, while on short dance GOEs, it’s the Canadian team that has an edge on the French - by the way they went for the same layout as last season, which was indeed the key to their success in this segment. In my opinion, Virtue/Moir’s short dance is ready and finished already, they have yet to reach level four on both step sequences but they didn’t go too far from it - getting unanimous +3 GOE on your level 3 step sequences is already a good omen for that.

If we look at the free dance, things are different, because here, the French team got better results in terms of GOE. In short, Virtue/Moir have an edge on the short dance, while in the free dance, it’s the opposite. The question is “Who will take the responsibility to award the victory in this case: the panel of judges or the tech panel?”

Why am I saying this? Well let’s look at what happened in the last two World Championships. In Boston, the technical panel gave level 4 on each element to all top teams - something I had never witnessed before in my life - basically washing their hands of it and letting the judges define the final ranking with GOEs and PCS.

In Helsinki, very few teams got level four on their step sequences, so in that case, the technical panel really made the difference.

What’s going to happen now? Considering how the two teams were scored in their first competition, my opinion is that the real difference could be lying in those level fours’ I mentioned earlier. From what we saw, Virtue/Moir are certainly closer to level four in the short dance. (A): So it could seem. Surely they have an edge on the short dance, they proved it last year already. Maybe it’s because they have more experience, or it’s because they come from compulsory dance, I don’t know. On the technical level, the difference is still minimal though. In the free dance, maybe it’s the French team’s athleticism that will make the difference. Let’s not forget that a free dance is more demanding and that there are more technical elements to perform, so their physical fitness could favour them, and they could manage to minimize the risk of making mistakes on the “bigger” elements thanks to that. If we look at the PCS, in my opinion the Frenchies might have a little advantage there too. Provided that we’re talking about two outstanding teams and that both have incredible flow and beautiful glide, I wonder if Papadakis/Cizeron’s major athleticism could favour them the same way it happened with Davis/White.

Nevertheless, it’s still too early to tell who’s the favourite in this battle. The one thing that’s clear is that the rest of the competition will have to fight for the third spot. (M): Yes, but if we look closely, Virtue/Moir still have something more than the others when it comes to footwork or step sequences, and that’s what is likely to make the difference between winning and losing. (A): Sure, but I believe many factors will come into play, and many small details will make the difference in the end. I just want to add that Virtue/Moir’s first competition was on home ice, while Papadakis/Cizeron competed in Finland, so I’d still wait for the Grand Prix to give us more evidential data. (H): Speaking of judging and Ice Dance, the judges draw by number was released recently. Since politics play a huge role in Ice Dance, how will this draw influence the biggest competitions of the season? (M): Good question, complicated yet intriguing. As far as the battle between Papadakis/Cizeron and Virtue/Moir is concerned, I don’t think the judges’ nationality will play a decisive role, but other schools might have more political power than Montreal’s. Let’s get into details. Seventeen countries qualified their teams for the Ice Dance competition at the Olympics, and after Nebelhorn Trophy, thirteen out of this seventeen countries were chosen to send a judge at the Olympics following a draw. So, there are thirteen countries that will each send a judge to Pyeongchang, and before the short dance, there will be another draw to select the nine judges that will make up the judges panel.

As a matter of fact, four countries won’t have a judge in the Ice Dance event at the Olympics for sure, and these countries are: Czech Republic (with a team coached by Igor Shpilband), Korea (with a team coached by Igor Shpilband), Germany (with a team coached by Marina Zueva) and Great Britain (with a team coached by Igor Shpilband). As you can see Igor Shpilband lost three judges after this draw - a real catastrophe!

It’s true that judges should be super partes, but it’s rarely so.

Looking at the first draw I’d say Zueva’s group is the most powerful right now, as they have American, Japanese and Israeli teams and they are close to Italy for a number of reasons.

As for Papadakis/Cizeron vs Virtue/Moir, it’s basically the Canadian judge vs the French judge, with the Spanish judge as a variable, but we don’t know which Spanish team will be at the Olympics yet. It might be Smart/Diaz, coached by Dubreuil and Lauzon, or Hurtado/Khaliavin, coached by Alexander Zhulin. So, unless the final draw doesn’t exclude one between the French and the Canadian judges, I’d say the panel composition won’t affect Papadakis/Cizeron and Virtue/Moir too much. I repeat, judges should be impartial but they’re humans too and, following some teams for a long time, they might lose a bit of objectivity sometimes. What do you think, Angelo? (A): Your analysis is indeed interesting, even though in my opinion, the real difference will lie in each performance, but what you say is true, no doubt. That said, judges usually follow the teams in practice sessions too, they see which are the ones looking stronger, and often they take into account not only what they see on the day of the competition, but what they saw in training throughout the whole week as well.

Provided that Ice Dance is really difficult to judge, I’d say that the battle for third place will be the one more influenced by the panel composition, since there are many teams - many countries and many schools - involved in the battle.

At the moment it’s really difficult to predict who’s going to take the bronze - mostly because we have yet to see many of the teams that will fight for that spot.

You mentioned the Shibutanis, who are coached by Zueva, so they might benefit from her power at the Olympic stage. I’d add Hubbell/Donohue - who blew their chance of a top-three finish last year at Worlds - Cappellini/Lanotte, the Russian teams...

I believe it’s going to be a long season and maybe something will break the equilibrium along the way.

Part 3: Junior Grand Prix

T/n Podcast was recorded before Egna Event.

Credits to Rika Kihira own website

(H): We have a lot of questions from our listeners on Pairs and Ice Dance, but first let’s have a look at the Junior Grand Prix, with only one event left this season.

(M): Ok, for sure the ladies event is the most interesting here because, for the first time in history, there will be six skaters who could qualify for the Final at the same competition, and three of them will most probably get their ticket for the Final in Egna.

Let’s first say that there will be four skaters coached by Eteri Tutberidze in the final and this is already an unprecedented event - someone was telling me that they would’ve been five if Shcherbakova wasn’t injured, but it’s not true, because probably one of this year’s finalists wouldn’t have taken part in the JGP if Shcherbakova was healthy, and this really says it all about the depth of Tutberidze’s school.

Given what happened in the previous events, I’d say Kostornaya is a lock for the final, same as Samodurova who isn’t really on the same level as her countrymate - nor the other finalists to be fair - but she took advantage of Tarakanova’s mistakes and won the event in Zagreb.

Then we have the Japanese ladies, and both of them are fighting for a spot in the Final: a second place here will be enough to qualify, even a third one could do, depending on the scores.

The two girls fighting for this spot are Rika Kihira - Japanese junior lady with a triple Axel and she landed several in today’s practice - and the rookie Nana Araki, who was second in Minsk and, right now, she’s even above Kihira in the standings.

Who could be the dark horse in this event? I’d say Korean Young You. She needs to win the event to have a chance for the Final, but depending on other skaters’ placements, even winning might not be enough to make the Final. Even if she doesn’t win, in my opinion, she has the qualities to make the podium and, who knows, she could spoil the party for one of her competitors.

I don’t think Alyona Kostornaya will be in danger, as she has set the highest score in a JGP event at her international debut, while uncertain if she would get a second assignment. This is amazing, c’mon.

Anyways, the level will be really high in this event, I don’t recall having so many talented skaters at the same competition, lucky those who will be there to watch it live.

(A): Indeed, the fact that there will be two skaters who have already won an event is something unprecedented too.

I am a huge fan of Kihira’s so I hope she will do well, but I’m sure the entire event will be of great quality.

(M): Even the men’s event will be interesting, and the Italian guys could really aim high.

In Poland, Matteo Rizzo came really close to writing history as he brilliantly made second place after the short program, but then collapsed in the free skate. But let’s not forget he took part in two big competitions already, so there was a possibility that he could have been a bit low on energy.

I think he can try again in Egna and, in my opinion, he could have aimed for the final for real this season. But even if the chances are gone now, I still think he can get on the podium in this event.

There will be Daniel Grassl as well, rising athlete who has some big technical elements already and works on others in practice - quads included. If he manages to land the triple Axel, he could be a nasty rival for many of his competitors. And he will be skating on home ice, as he trains in Egna under Lorenzo Magri’s tutelage.

All in all, I think the Italian guys can play a big role in this competition. This is huge news because men’s is Italy’s weakest field since forever - even though many years ago, Karel Zelenka managed to get second place in a JGP event in Poland, ironically. (A): Yes that’s true. Well, it was a real pity that Matteo couldn’t make it last week in Gdansk, especially after skating such a good short program.

In my opinion, he has a good chance of making the podium in Egna. He has already scored over 220 points in international competitions, and even if junior competitions have different regulations, I believe he can be on the podium, as long as he stays above 200 points, which is absolutely within his reach.

Surely, qualifying for the JGPF would have been the cherry on the cake, but let’s not forget that Matteo has already achieved important results at the beginning of this season: he skated really well at Lombardia Trophy and, most importantly, he was able to earn [Italy] a spot for the Olympics at Nebelhorn Trophy.

Having two skaters who can do well in a JGP is really unprecedented for Italy and we’re even prouder because they are, in fact, two athletes born and bred in our country.”

(M): There will be promising Italian junior ladies too and they could aim at an important placement - of course behind the skaters we mentioned earlier. This competition will be important for them to gain experience in international events.

We will see Lucrezia Gennaro, who has already competed in the JGP in the past; Lara Naki Gutmann, at her international debut; and Elisabetta Leccardi, who could aim at 7th place. (A): Yes, Elisabetta competed at last year’s Junior World Championships as well and she has technical potential. Lara Naki has nice skating and good interpretation skills, and Gennaro has the chance of doing well too. (Un)fortunately, the level of the ladies’ competition is really high, so there won’t be any chance for the girls to fight for the podium (contrary to the men’s event), but it will still be a great opportunity for them to gain experience.

Let’s remember that, as far as the top skaters are concerned, a JGP ladies’ competition is on par with a senior ladies GP event and, in many cases, the technical level is even higher in the junior field - just to remark, once again, how much quality we have in these competitions. (M): And let’s not forget that Italy has some other good junior ladies like Lucrezia Beccari, who will compete in Nice this weekend alongside Alessia Tornaghi, and Marina Piredda, who is an interesting skater.

Anyways, there are six junior ladies with nice potential at the moment but we have yet to determine who will be able to make that final step to be competitive in seniors as well - by the way, Leccardi and Gennaro are already age eligible for seniors.

(A): You’re right, the others are younger. Besides, being competitive internationally at the junior level isn’t easy. We’ve had Kostner who had a good career in juniors, Berton as well, but lately the level is just too high and qualifying for the Final is nearly impossible.

As I said, the important thing is to gain experience in these competitions so that they can grow more and be ready to take part in the European Championships, where Italy has always had first class results.

Part 4: Evgenia Medvedeva

Her performance at Japan Open. (Plus a question about Nina Mozer)

Credits to the rightful owner

(H): Speaking of first class results, I think it’s the right time to talk about Evgenia Medvedeva and her performance at Japan Open. I will take cue from this question we received tonight, “Max, which of the two free programs skated by Medvedeva this season did you like the most? What do you think about Nina Mozer?” (M): Let’s start with Mozer. I’d say she’s almost a guru, a true icon of Pairs skating. She’s the coach of reigning Olympic gold and silver medalists - Volosozhar/Trankov and Stolbova/Klimov - and most likely, the three Russian pairs we’ll see at the next Olympic Games will be her pupils.

Della Monica/Guarise had the chance to work with her as well, and their improvement is for everybody to see, but let’s name another pair - since someone could accuse me of being biased - Cain/Leduc, they began working with Mozer and they improved leaps and bounds. Mozer’s staff is undoubtedly of the highest quality, one of her collaborators is Robin Szolkowy, who won everything in his career but Olympic gold - not bad, I’d say. Hats off to this coach, who isn’t only a coach, as she supervises every aspect in her school. (A): Yes, for me, the keyword here is “staff” as Mozer’s staff is not only of the highest quality but also one of the most complete we can find internationally. Many have tried to start a collaboration with her but not everyone succeeded... I’m thinking of James/Cipres, for instance. (M): But the situation was different in that case, as it was the Russian Federation who forbade having foreign athletes train in Russian schools. And I’d say they almost had a premonition, since this pair has great potential, and they’re in the running for an Olympic medal in every respect.

(A): For sure the Russian Federation was farsighted, but I bet Mozer was a bit disappointed, as it’s a pleasure for a coach to be working with such talented skaters.

(M): Indeed. And, you know Nina Mozer always wants to work with two pairs on the ice at each session, so Nicole and Matteo became the fourth pair in this case, sharing the ice with Stolbova/Klimov - not exactly two ill-equipped skaters - while Tarasova/Morozov train together with Zabiiako/Enbert. In this situation, with such a stimulating environment, you can only improve. It’s natural.

(A): Yes, those are the factors that make Mozer’s school the best out there. So, to answer the question in short, we can only admire Nina Mozer and her team. (M): The question was about Medvedeva originally. What can we say? She has an unbelievable confidence in her skills, something I have never seen even in the best Yuna Kim. Medvedeva always delivers when it matters, her consistency is otherworldly.

I think we must highlight what she did at Japan Open as she performed a completely new free skate to the soundtrack of Anna Karenina, changed the layout, and yet, skated a perfect program like nothing had changed from the beginning of the season.

She was even under pressure since both her rivals - Zagitova and Mihara - had performed to the highest level, hitting a very high TES and receiving good PCS as well, so she had some pressure. But she went out there and owned her performance like nothing.

There’s little to say, her quality is extraordinary. To answer the question, I’d say I prefer this free program rather than the one choreographed by Ilya Averbukh.

The new free program is choreographed by Daniil Gleikhengauz, former single skater and ice dancer, who is now one of Tutberidze’s closest assistants. He’s the one in charge of choreographing for all the junior skaters there and he has an innate chemistry with Evgenia.

I think this program is a better fit for her, but don’t get fooled by the layout: she used last season’s layout as this program is still a work in progress - I think she’ll move most of her jumps in the second half like she had originally planned - and even so, she still wins competitions with a huge gap. (A): I agree with your analysis, I have to say I like this program more and I noticed some transitions have changed. She has a different entry on her Loop, for instance, and there are new and more interesting things added to her repertoire. Nothing much to add on the rest, her consistency is outstanding and it’s definitely her trademark. Despite some excellent performances by her rivals, she goes on the ice and showcases all her power. Definitely a fierce competitor, she never gives an inch and that’s why she’s rightfully the reigning World Champion and the great favourite for the Olympic gold. (M): That’s exactly the most important aspect, she didn’t rest on her laurels as some other great skaters did in the past - Plushenko, for instance. Evgenia doesn’t stop, and if you look at her jumps this season, you can see she has new difficult features and she’s raising the bar again - particularly on the triple Loop. (A): Yes. She has this constant desire to improve and keeps working hard, which is indeed uncommon for an athlete who has won as many titles as she has. So hats off to Evgenia and let’s not forget she’s still incredibly young.

(M): Yes, she has yet to turn 18 - even if her birthday is approaching fast - so that speaks volumes about her career so far. And by the way if you compare the average of her total scores to the highest of her competitors’ you see that hers is still the one to beat. Another sport for real.

She’ll have some competition this season, as Zagitova is a tough rival, and even the Japanese ladies seem ready to fight – I fear they might arrive at the Olympics tired and really low on mental energies, but we’ll talk about it another time.

Part 5: Q&A Session

Questions from listeners: Ice Dance, Prerotations on jumps and others technique shortcomings, Memorable Programs and much more.

(H): Let’s get to the next question. Now, this is a quite peculiar question: “I’d propose to “retire” certain pieces of music that have been used in programs that made history, like you do with some players’ jersey numbers. Could it be done?

(M): Maybe it could be done in a perfect system, in my opinion [laughing]. So, the Romeo & Juliet used by Hanyu would never be used again [laughing again]. And it would be for the best, to be honest, because we have seen people try and then give up on their programs…which were reckless at best. Just look at Vincent Zhou. And it’s not like Hanyu won a world title with that program, but still, it’s an iconic program. There are a lot of programs we could recall – going back to 1984, Torvill/Dean’s Bolero, Katarina Witt’s Carmen - and even in recent years, there were many remarkable programs; Hanyu’s actively contributed to it. I do think it’s a bit reckless for some skaters to use music that everyone associates to a certain skater and an amazing program, because they’re easy to compare… and if you are an amazing athlete, you might try to do it, but if you aren’t, you’ll be at a disadvantage from the start.

(A): Yeah it might not end well. But at the same time, it would be a shame to withdraw certain music, because, as you said, it might be interesting to see a great skater use an iconic piece of music and give their own interpretation of it. So, it would have its positive and negative sides… I’d say it’s up to the skater’s common sense [to decide whether to use it or not].

(M): I was thinking about one piece we haven’t heard in a while: Edvin Marton’s The Godfather, used by Plushenko in 2006. It was an incredibly fast program; performed by the best Plushenko, who was then in an incredible physical condition. It was never used again – if not by some average skaters – and not without reason, in my opinion.

(A): Yes, there are some peculiar cases like this, in which you need a skater that is able to pull off a certain kind of program. But a different case came to my mind, like Lysacek’s Carmen. So the “male version” of the Carmen, which was interesting. In the ladies’ field the battle of the Carmens’ always comes to mind…although Witt’s Carmen is still the most iconic. Even in ice dance, we have seen some interesting takes on it. To retire them would be a pity, but the question is interesting. It’s true that sometimes, seeing a skater use an iconic piece of music, linked to another skater, without being able to truly pull it off… might make some fans chuckle.

(H): While we’ve rarely seen skaters use Mozart’s Requiem…because whoever used it has never had great luck with it. Jokes aside, another question: “During the 2015-2016 season, Max and Angelo were talking about a ‘quad era’ for pairs, so why didn’t many pairs try a quad throw?

(M): We were mostly talking about technical progress; this progress wasn’t just related to throw jumps, but also side-by-side jumps – someone even tried, and landed, a 3-3 combination. Some pairs attempted quad throws, some quad twists – the latter were usually better executed than the former – and now we mostly see only axel lasso and reverse lasso when it comes to lifts – the ones with the highest BV. We’ve briefly talked about it last week: trying a quad throw or a throw triple axel has its pros and cons. The risks are high, and these elements’ BV aren’t so high to warrant such risks; while for men, it is more tempting to risk [because the quads’ BV is worth it], it isn’t like that for pairs. A throw triple axel doesn’t have such high BV to risk having an element with -3 GOE and even a -1 for the fall.

(A): Yes, that’s the point. There are two factors for this: the first is this one – the low BV – also because in the men’s field, it isn’t so easy to find a triple with all +3s [so trying the quad is worth it], while the strongest pairs can all get +3 GOE for their triple throws, it’s already rare to see 0 GOE for a quad. The second reason is that, sadly, this technical progress also resulted in many pairs skaters being injured, which must be taken into account as well. There have been discussions about this and some skaters, like Trankov, even expressed their own opinions.

(M): Yes…I still think that some pairs will go for a quad at the Olympics – Duhamel/Radford need it, while others pairs don’t – maybe we’ll see more quad twists, as there are pairs who are able to reach level 4 for it. But the technical progress stopped because, at this point, taking so many risks isn’t worth it.

(A): Exactly.

(M): They’re different strategies, that’s it. Although, I’d like to add that in 2014, GOE made a difference, in the end. Let’s not forget Volosozhar/Trankov won the Olympic title with a 3S throw and 3Lo throw. Now we see many 3F/3Lz throw, but these two managed to win the title because they were able to execute every single element perfectly, with difficult entries and peculiar exits from each element: that’s where they made a difference. While Savchenko/Szolkowy planned a throw triple Axel, as it was the only way to try to beat Volosozhar/Trankov, if they were clean.

(H): Now back to ice dance, we’re talking about Cappellini/Lanotte. Someone was asking whether there will be a chance for them to show their new programs before the Grand Prix, since they withdrew from a competition of the Challenger Series. And if not testing the programs before them might be a disadvantage for them or not.

(M): Well, this season Cappellini/Lanotte have “easier” GPs. There are some chances for them to make it to the final. They’ll be in Osaka, Japan, with Virtue/Moir, but the other teams aren’t unbeatable. Then they’ll have Skate America, the last GP, where they’ll face the Shibutanis’. I do think that it’s possible for them to reach the final. That aside, it is difficult to answer. To make an example: I remember that some years ago, Cappellini/Lanotte managed to reach all level 4’s – I don’t remember if it was in the SD or the FD – in their first competition of the season. It was at Skate America. Of course, this is the Olympic season, and to be able to test the program would be good, but they had to withdraw from Lombardia Trophy and Finlandia Trophy…they won’t be in Nice this week either – Anna had a deep cut on her hand that hindered her in training, and because of this, they decided to delay their debut. There are still some competitions of the Challenger series, since they still have a month before Osaka, and I guess that if they have the possibility to compete, we’ll see them there.

(A): There aren’t many left though…there’s Minsk, not much else.

(M): Yes, but there are also other B competitions, Challenger series aside. Maybe there won’t be 7-8 judges but it would still be a good test for them. That said, Cappellini/Lanotte might even be one of the teams to beat in the SD this year.

(A): True, these are rhythms they know well and that might bring out their best qualities. They also have good assignments this year so…then of course, nothing is decided yet. There’s still Hubbell/Donohue in Osaka and Gilles/Poirier at Skate America, who might be great contenders. In theory they can do well. The most important thing for them is to be back in good shape after these slight mishaps, which made them withdraw from their first competitions.

(H): Another question about ice dance, and specifically about Papadakis/Cizeron in this case: what do you think about their music choice for the SD?

(M): Eh… - meanwhile, Emanuela, a dear friend, tells me that Anna and Luca are among the entries for Minsk, so I guess they might compete there – back to the question. I’ll repeat what I said last week: it’s not the kind of music you’d expect for rumba, they could have made different choices. If I had doubts about Virtue/Moir’s choice, then Papadakis/Cizeron’s leaves even more room for doubt.

(A): I totally agree. We could say pretty much the same for both choices, but maybe Papadakis/Cizeron’s is even worse: the music had to be adapted for these rhythms and has to be slower [than the original]. As a rumba, I don’t like it much, but that’s my personal opinion. That aside, the program does have good choreography, the skaters’ quality is undeniable, but their music choice didn’t really convince me, just like Virtue/Moir’s. We’ll see how it will be scored throughout the season in competition, compared to other teams. I was wondering why they made this choice, since there are many possibilities when it comes to rumba.

(H): Now a question about technique. Someone asked us what your opinions are about prerotation when it comes to toe jumps. Should they receive negative GOE or be called as underrotated or downgraded?

(M): Prerotation disturbs me. And it does disturb me a lot. I mean, a prerotated jump is a jump that doesn’t have the required number of rotations to call it a triple or a quadruple. This isn’t a problem just in the men’s field, but among the ladies as well: for example, I invite you to look at Miyahara’s jumps. We’re talking about prerotation, underrotation problems are another thing - someone should make an analysis of Vincent Zhou’s jumps, when it comes to this. I believe that a prerotated quad isn’t a quad, it’s time to do something about this. I don’t think Shoma Uno’s 4F is a quad, because it has 3.25 rotations, not even 3.5. At this point, we have a different definition of what a quad is, in my opinion. It isn’t just about calling it underrotated, we’re talking about someone executing a different jump from what they had planned. That’s how I see it.

(A): It’s a difficult topic. Because when we talk about toe jumps, I believe that a minimal amount of prerotation is necessary. In Uno’s and Miyahara’s cases – in which it is easier to see…well easier with slow-mo, because these things are difficult to notice at normal speed, but easier to see in slow-mo – there are two factors: the prerotation, which heavily affects the required number of rotations, but there’s also another factor, which we can see, not only when it comes to Uno and Miyahara’s Flip and Lutz, but also in Fernandez’s case – and quite striking in his case, too: he uses the whole blade to take off. And from a technical point of view, we can’t talk about a toe pick anymore, but it almost becomes an edge jump. It isn’t a Flip, but a Rittberger.”

(M): Exactly, this is a problem that Fernandez has, but that is also common among Russian skaters coming from Mishin’s school.

(A): Yes, because even Plushenko had this kind of technique. But while Plushenko’s Lutz had this characteristic as well, it wasn’t (as pronounced) as Fernandez’s.

I don’t want to heavily criticize Fernandez here: but we’re not talking about a Lutz anymore, but almost its parody, let me use this word. It’s the extreme version of the kind of Lutz technique that Plushenko had. It’s an issue also influenced by how one uses the blade [for the take off], how much of the blade, how much it takes them to take off, etc, so it’s quite difficult to intervene; how much prerotation should be considered acceptable? When does a toe jump with this technique become a Rittberger? It’s a very complex topic, but the issue is there and it should be discussed. Finding a solution is extremely difficult, in my opinion… but Fernandez’s is a Rittberger and one of the easiest to notice, and there are many similar cases. I’ve had the luck to train in the same groups with skaters like Plushenko, Vlascenko, Goebel, and I’ve had the chance to see the traces their toepick left on the ice. Plushenko’s takeoff didn’t leave the kind of trace I saw when it came to Vlascenko, whose takeoff left a really long trace on the ice, like 30 - 40cm. That one really looked like a Rittberger, so we should also discuss about how much [is acceptable and when it stops being acceptable]. It’s an interesting topic.

(M): This kind of situation isn’t penalized at all. Because we aren’t talking about a jump with wrong edge, but about a kind of jumping technique that really turns a jump into another. Do you remember a clear case of this – Jenna Mccorkell? A British skater, whose toe pick left a trace on the ice that was even longer than the one you mentioned while talking about Vlascenko. Much longer.

(A): In a way, comparing it to a jump with a wrong edge isn’t that wrong. Because if you do a Lutz from an inside edge, it’s not like you do a Lutz, you basically do a Flip, because the only different from Flip and Lutz is the edge. So if the technical panel started to call all the jumps done from an inside edge as Flips, and those done from an outside edge “Lutz”…it would become a problem, to plan seven jumping passes [t/n Angelo means that if a panel called a wrong-edged Lutz as “Flip” and vice versa, the chance of ‘Zayakking’ would be high, so to plan a layout with a jump at risk of being called “another jump” would be cause of many headaches].

(M): Do you remember when they wanted to change the rules, and not call the wrong edge anymore, but to limit the number of Lutz and Flip you could do? And if you reached three of those, the jump would be invalidated. It could be a way… but then we would see athletes take less risks.

(A): Well that’s what would happen for Uno, but not as much for Fernandez…well, no, you’d call his Flip as a Rittberger, Lutz Rittberger…he does another and that makes it three Rittbergers.

(M): Like Shoma Uno…

(A): He’d do 4Lo, 4F but he wouldn’t be able to [t/n without zayakking, since his 4F would be counted as a 4Lo], because [he already has other repeated jumps planned]. And there are many cases like this, in the past and right now. It’s not a new issue, but many skaters with these kinds of technique made it even more relevant and interesting to discern.

(M): It’s obvious that we would like to see them penalize this in terms of GOE though, so a prerotated quad, isn’t a quad that could reach +3, nor +2 probably, but there, the issue becomes quite complex and it involves GOE bullets as well.

(A): Yes it’s complex…and I’ll tell you this: I’d like to see them intervene on its GOE, but it would also be easier for the technical panel to see it, rather than the judges. So it would be even more complex to intervene, I understand that it isn’t easy even for the ISU to do something about it. The problem exists. To find a solution and put it down as a watertight rule is not that easy.

(M): Yes but the real problem is that athletes with good technique are penalized by this. And there are many cases like this, in the past and right now. Then, a real champion also makes a certain choice: they either eliminate the riskiest jump, or, by working with a good choreographer, they plan to execute that jump in a certain side of the rink [to make the issue less noticeable], or with a particular entry, like Medvedeva does when she manages to execute her 3Lz, which has a quite dubious edge, well.

(H): Another question, about ice dance in this case, but that might also be applied to other disciplines as well. Does having a different number of judges – for example, there were seven judges [in one competition] while there were eight at Finlandia Trophy – affect the score, for better or worse?

(M): Well… both ways. Maybe I get what the question meant; maybe they meant that it could affect the score, not when it comes to max or minimum score, but when it comes to the average score. So you divide the score by a different factor, depending on whether you have more or fewer judges. Obviously, if there are less judges, if the score is higher, you gain more from this. I think that’s what they meant.

(A): It doesn’t change much in terms of scores, the final score is still the average score. With more judges [and more marks], the average score might be a bit more accurate, that’s it. It won’t make a huge different in terms of personal best, for example. Even if there’s a difference, it would be minimal.

(M): If the difference was minimal, like how it happened for Virtue/Moir and Papadakis/Cizeron, then [the number of judges] might make more of a difference. Still, in the most important competitions there are nine judges in the panel.

(H): Next question: will Jason Brown complete an FP with this planned content, two quads and eight triples, two of them being triple axels?

(M): Two quads and eight triples? Eh, no. I honestly don’t think he will. Trying that kind of layout would make him lose that quality that makes his programs stand out. The set up he would need for those elements would definitely affect his choreography. If he could execute them with the kind of entries he does for his triples, hats off to him, but… Angelo I don’t know if you remember when he used to try a 3A in the second half of the program and with a difficult entry…

(A): How could I not remember it… the success rate was very low.

(M): You could already see that he was going to fall. That’s the risk. From what I gathered his quads have a higher success rate in practice but that’s pretty much how it is for everybody. I doubt I’ll see a FP with 4T, 4S and two 3A from Jason Brown. If he could do it, well, the Japan Open taught us something that we had already seen in part in Boston: you can do all the quads you want, but if someone skates clean a program with a couple of quads he can beat you, see how Fernandez won Japan Open against Nathan Chen, Uno Shoma, the first two men who were able to do four different quads, even five in Nathan Chen’s case. And yet Fernandez won Japan Open.

(A): And with a noticeable margin of victory.

(M): It’s obvious that if Jason Brown was able to do 4T and 4S in an FP, this would be a different story. But he wouldn’t be Jason Brown.

(A): Yes, it wouldn’t be in his nature… then of course, we wish to see him execute a quad well, and it’s always pleasant to see him skate clean, but what you said is the truth – this dream about two quads aside – I hope he will rotate them, but I don’t see it happening. The problem is that even doing another 3a is quite complex for him, and we are seeing athletes that do a 3A as the last jump in a program, because it’s almost the easiest jump in their program. At this moment, he can’t compete; he seems a skater from another era, - an excellent skater from another era - but still, he doesn’t have the content to compete with the others now, maybe not even at Nationals, where he might still be a contender, but he can’t win.

(M): We’ve already talked about this, it isn’t certain that he’ll go to the Olympics – and it would be a pity if he didn’t qualify – a skater like him would have been dominant in the 2007-2010 quad –“

(A): Just as it would be a pity not to see someone like Rippon, who has similar characteristics.

(M): Yes, you can compare them. Although Jason Brown’s programs are definitely more intricate than Rippon’s, and he has much more quality on skating skills.

(A): Yes, but when it comes to choreography and interpretation Adam isn’t far from him. Then, it’s true that Jason has something more when it comes to complexity and fluidity. He’s one of the best skaters when it comes to this. And he does have amazing spins as well.

(M): Yes, he’s probably the best when it comes to spins; he’s one of the few athletes who can reach the maximum points for spins, with both BV and GOE. Even Hanyu doesn’t have the same BV Jason Brown has on spins, and Hanyu is a skater with great quality on spins. Jason Brown also has many variations on spins that make him one of the top 3 skaters in the world for that. But this isn’t enough if you don’t have any quads. You said so before, he’s a skater from another era: Jason Brown could have dominated the 2007-2010 quad, he could have been there with Lysacek – given a stable 3A. Because then there’s also that problem. We’ll see an interesting skater in Egna, Andrew Torgashev – his parents used to be good athletes in Russia, especially in the junior category – who has a 4T, great skating skills and interpretation, but doesn’t have a 3A. He does a 2A, like Lambiel used to do - Lambiel won worlds without a 3A; it was the last time it happened, and it did happen during that quad, 2007-2010, when Plushenko wasn’t very focused – and Jason Brown would have probably dominated that quad.

(H): Last question of the episode: do you think that You Young has regressed if compared to 2016? I think her jumps are smaller and have less flow on the exit, what do you think about it?

(M): It’s always difficult to judge when it comes to girls, well kids, who are 10-15 years old, because of their physical growth. Their bodies are changing and it becomes more difficult for them to fully rotate jumps. We talked about Kostner last week: at that age, she used to do things we have never seen. She used to do combos with three triple Rittbergers – she did them for real, I saw them – and they were fully rotated.

(A): Yes 3-3-3 combos.

(M): But even with three triple Rittberger. Maybe after a really long set up – but she did them. She had a different body. This applies to the others as well: for example, Kim eliminated a triple at some point in her career, the triple Rittberger. She could do it with those rules without problems, it became a bit more difficult from 2011.

(A): And she paid the price in Sochi.

(M): Exactly. All of this to say that it’s all easier when you’re younger. Regarding Young You, I believe we still have to see more of her. And I believe she can do a lot more. She probably was a wunderkind, she won the national title at 10 years old with programs that impressed us, not just for their technical content, but for their intricacy as well.

(A): Yes, she already had programs with great complexity at a very young age.

(M): Which is rather unusual for Korean skaters. After Kim, everything we saw were programs built on long set ups and jumps, one after the other for four minutes. I remember I used to have arguments with people who said that Park was underscored in terms of PCS. But if your program is full of crossovers-jump-crossovers-jumps, etc, how can you reach 60 points on PCS, even if you do them well? She improved with time, hats off to her, but You Young is a more complete skater, even if compared to Korean skaters that have reached higher scores than hers during the Junior Grand Prix. She decided to train in Canada, at Brian Orser’s school, like Kim before her and at an even younger age than Kim – even if she’s coached by one of his collaborators. She certainly doesn’t lack talent, we’ll see how puberty will treat her; her programs are certainly very ambitious. She has to work on both her toe jumps, she can improve her edges. Yes, maybe she lost some quality on jumps, but only from what we’ve seen so far: I believe her purpose is to be at her best near the end of the season. You can miss the JGPF during your first year in Canada. I think they’re working to bring her to Junior Worlds in peak condition.

(A): And for the next quad.

(M): Exactly. To say that she’s regressed – like the question said – is quite harsh for a girl of her age. It’s obvious that You Young was superior to Trusova, Shcherbakova, Tarakanova, at 11 years old. Now, she’s quite behind. But here we need to repeat ourselves when it comes to Tutberidze: these girls, technique aside – since they all have different technique – have something more in terms of physical condition. Tutberidze brought ladies’ skating to its extreme, because these girls, thanks to their physical preparation, can do things that others can only dream of. That’s where the difference lies. If another coach will manage to apply the same methods…well, I think there’s a lot of talent around the world. I am thinking about Korea – not US – but Korea…Japan has a different school, they have quality when it comes to different elements, but applying Tutberidze’s methods in Korea could create some great skaters. It’s not trivial, though.

(A): No, but really…I’m thinking about Lim Eunsoo, another athlete with lots of talent – a bit messy, because she had several mistakes, but she showed interesting things during this Junior Grand Prix, You Young aside. There’s no lack of talent in Korea, for sure.

(M): But You Young is the unpredictable variable of Egna’s JGP: if she does her best, she could spoil someone’s party…and that someone might even be a Russian skater. I don’t think Samodurova is at You Young’s level. That said, it also depends on the panel for Samodurova, but looking at the future, I’d take You Young over Samodurova – maybe she’ll get lower scores now, but she’ll get higher ones in a few years. You Young, at her best, could reach the podium, and if she reached the podium, a Russian or, even easier, a Japanese girl, might not reach the final. Then, as we said, she has a few problems on toe jumps, the Flip especially; Lutz is better even though not amazing, so she’ll have to work on both, in my opinion.

(H): And with this last answer we can conclude this podcast…

And here you are the full translation of the third podcast.

As it happened in this episode, Max & Angelo will answer to questions in next one, too. So if you have any, you’d like to ask them, just drop it in our inbox.

#fs translation #carolina kostner #evgenia medvedeva #figure skating #podcast: kiss&cry #max ambesi #virtue/moir #papadakis/cizeron #junior grand prix #shoma uno #javier fernandez #technical analysis

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obfuscobble · 7 years ago

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Monsoon as Arhat: a Reconciliation of Metal Gear Rising with Theravada Buddhism

[The following essay is in no way a replacement for proper study of Buddhist teachings. I do not intend to offend any Buddhist practicioners and experts. All discussions are within the fictional context of Metal Gear Rising.]

Theravada Buddhism is the dominant religion in Cambodia, accounting for 95% of the population's stated religious affiliation. It is the oldest form of Buddhism, based around study of the Buddha's teachings as collected in the Tipitaka canon, with no influence from esotericism or ritual-focused Mahayana flavours. Although commentators often analyse Monsoon as emblematic of Atheistic Nihilism, I contend that his world-view as espoused in his speech is a legitimate expression of many Buddhist teachings. I further posit that in light of the Theravada focus on personal enlightenment combining with Monsoon's actions in Revengeance and the Jetstream Sam DLC, Monsoon has in fact achieved nirvana. In each following paragraph, I will compare an extremely simplified Buddhist teaching with its expression in Monsoon's character to illuminate my theses.

Central to all Buddhist belief is that humans, in fact all life, is caught in a cycle of suffering. That which perpetuates suffering is desire. Humans desire things and relationships in this world, and long for their goodness and permanence, whereas the reality of the universe is that all things are impermanent, amoral, and without deeper meaning. Humans are bound to continue our suffering through repeating fetters of defilements that are passed down through human culture. Throughout his speech, Monsoon highlights both his experience of suffering, the essential human defilement, and knowledge of its transmission. He frames the defilement as "this world, and all of its people, are diseased." The repetition of suffering is explained through "memes," which he accurately describes as pieces of cultural information which are passed on through words and experience. He also translates the effects of karma on others using memes. "Expose someone to anger long enough, they will learn to hate. They become a carrier." One's bad karma does not just affect their own life, but adds suffering to the lives of others. This is one way to look at the difference in cause and effect between the hetu and pacca causalities.

"Envy, greed, despair: all memes, all passed on." I find this to be a good summary of the fetters of suffering. Through envy, we suffer by desiring what we do not have. Through greed, we suffer by desiring more of what we value. Through despair, we suffer by recognising that we do not have what we desire. Yet the cycle of samsara ensures that all living beings will be trapped by their memes, infecting each other through culture and unrighteous action. "Sure as the sun will rise, the slaughter will continue." It is only by noticing, categorising, and then denying our own memes that we may move beyond the desires they teach us.

Life and the world as we experience it are "distorted" in Theravada terminology, as opposed to the more familiar Mahayana term of "illusion," yet the underlying truth remains the same: we must see through the distortions that our experience feeds to us. We only cling to the defilements that fetter us to suffering out of ignorance, called avidya, since that ignorance shields us from noticing our own defilement and gives us an excuse to perpetuate suffering. Theravada thought begins by discarding avidya ignorance. By breaking its illusion, we are better able to see our place in the perpetuation of suffering and rebirth, and to realise that we ourselves have no self. Monsoon speaks to Raiden about the man's own small journey in realisation: "How easily you ignore the loss of life when it suits your convenience. ... Sam tells me you see your weapon as a tool: something that saves lives, a means of justice. Now, there's a pretty meme! Exquisite! It spared you the burden of all the lives you've taken, absolved you of guilt when you enjoyed it. That is, until the illusion was broken." Here we see a classic illustration of clinging to a state of ignorance as a defence, craving the transient pleasures that come with an ignorant life, and then the most important rending of the veil of illusion. Monsoon further states multiple times that the sad state of the world and people's actions within it are nothing to agonise over, since they are only "nature running its course." Rather, his emphasis on nature leads one to think of surpassing nature's cruelty while living in it.

Change and impermanence is an essential aspect of nature. In Theravada teaching, one cannot seek to change the entire world, but must instead change one's "self" or way of thinking so that one can change along with nature. Nature itself is neither good nor evil, and assigning the moral concepts of "good" and "evil" to natural occurrences is the result of desire. We crave that which is good or pleasing, and in desire and in liking we only create suffering through our yearning for that which is preferred. Monsoon famously reiterates that "Wind blows, rain falls, and the strong prey upon the weak." Yet he does so without regret or anger at nature itself. Earlier in the game's storyline, within the Jetstream Sam DLC, Monsoon laughs at Armstrong's distaste for supposedly effeminate cherry blossoms then asks, "Is it really so horrible? They're only trees. ... Nature is just nature. Not beautiful, not ugly. The wind blows. The flowers float away. It's simply how things are." Here we have a good encapsulation of both Buddhist teachings about nature's impermanence and amorality, as framed through the traditional Japanese motif of the cherry blossom. This would even be a cliché pointer to those teachings for the Japanese audience.

There is no self or soul within Theravada and Buddhism in general, which is the basis of the teaching of anatta or non-self. Five aspects comprise each living being: the physical form, its feelings and sensations, perception of senses, ideas, and consciousness. Each of these will change, and none has an underlying meaning, cause, or will. To advance past our suffering, we must conceive of ourselves not actually being a singular self, but rather this conglomerate of polymorphous factors. If we lack a soul, and all that comprises our selves lacks will and meaning, then naturally "Free will is a myth." However, to be fair to Buddhist teachings, Buddha also rejected the thought that all action is pre-determined as well as the theory of free will being non-extant; he taught that it is human choice to follow the Eight-Fold Path which frees one. In context with the time, he was teaching in opposition to the Divine Determinism of his contemporary Makkhaligosala, and also the contemporary cults that viewed a lack of free will as an excuse for freely immoral behaviour. If we view Monsoon's discourse within the context of inter-faith dialogue, he may be explicitly opposing the Christian dogma of free will. Additionally, Monsoon may be using the concept of free will as a myth, but not a lack of human choice, as a metaphor for the lack of a self.

On a basic level, Buddhism does not require belief in a concept of God as found in the Abrahamic religions. Mahayana Buddhism often features gods as influenced by local pre-Buddhist polytheism in the countries which adopted it, but pure Theravada lacks even the conception of a tripartite Buddha. In further contrast to Mahayana, Theravada lacks many rituals and does not place focus on completing arbitrary rituals for attaining enlightenment. It instead focuses on learning, logical meditation on what one has learned, then meditation in attainment of freedom from attachment. Thus, "Religion is a joke."

There is no god. There is no soul. There is no self. Life is a cycle of suffering caused by desire. There is no true cause for morality. Nature is ephemeral and to seek stability in it or judge it is to invite suffering. Monsoon realises and teaches these basic precepts. He seems keenly aware of basic Buddhist teachings, probably due to his Cambodian cultural background. He has rephrased these ideas through the framing device and transmission method of "memes." None of these concepts disturb him, rather he seems freed by his knowledge. He passes on the teachings to Raiden, passing on the only memes that will potentially free Raiden from his own cycle of destruction. The only moment of displeasure that Monsoon expresses is after Raiden fully embraces Jack the Ripper: Monsoon turns his head away, frowns, and says in a tone of disappointment or mourning "You've lost your mind." Obviously, Raiden has failed to fully understand Monsoon's message despite coming so close that Monsoon tried the whole we're not so different you and I tactic. But what does it mean that Monsoon, a man ripped from his former life and reformatted as something human in aggregate shape only, maintains an aura of peace and contentment while speaking of an amoral universe?

I posit that Monsoon has actually already reached enlightenment.

He doesn't give a shit any more about worldly attachments. He's still alive because Desperado's body is keeping his brain alive, so he's trolling. Monsoon avoids death by perfect dodging, but shows no attachment to his own mortal life once it's ending. Upon defeat he says "Now, I return to the earth," a reflection of his battle dialogue which exhorts Raiden to do the same. Monsoon finds joy in just existing. He notices the click of his body after he lands in the most extra way possible, he points out the changing world and wills around him, he performs the duties Desperado requires of him without judgement, and he fights with neither fear nor blood-lust. He doesn't desire his faraway homeland or lost criminal empire. He doesn't mourn his meat body. He abstains from swearing (rare in MGR) while speaking meaningfully and politely. He does not engage with any luxuries, and doesn't even wear clothes. He acts without lust, hatred, or delusion.

In fact, the only traditional hindrance to the Buddhist conception of right thought and right action that he displays is killing and ordering others to kill. Which is a biggie, to be sure. What causes this discrepancy? Well, MGR is a fighting game for one. Perhaps Monsoon views killing as an unavoidable part of the job he and everyone around him share, where death is constant and impartial.

As an aside, in Theravada thought, each person reaches enlightenment on their own, with no inherent duty to bring others with them. So Monsoon really doesn't have to try to teach Raiden about any of the memes which point to enlightenment, but he does anyway. And he also doesn't have to avoid being a sassy shit while doing so.

Thus, I conclude that Monsoon's speech is a courier and translation for Buddhist thought, and that Monsoon may well be an atman, an enlightened person. Whether Monsoon is cognisant or appreciative of Buddhist influence on his statements is immaterial to the application of comparative analysis between them. In the case that Monsoon is indeed a true blue non-religious atheist, it seems in keeping with his character that recognising Buddhist influences in is thought wouldn't disturb him, as those are the memes that shaped his culture's existential discourse. It may even be possible that he has entered a state of non-attachment removed from traditional Theravada thought form and practice, as a result of living a hard-knock life, then losing it all, then experiencing in a very corporeal manner a teaching that the self is multiplicity and non-extant. Thank you for reading and I hope to have prompted polite discourse on the theory of Monsoon as atman.

"Wind blows, rain falls, and the strong prey upon the weak. All is as it should be."

#monsoon #metal gear revengeance #character analysis

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dancingalone21 · 8 years ago

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No Longer You

Summary: Now a shell of her former self, the reader runs into an old flame.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,761

Warning: implying an abusive relationship

Nichelle’s 4K Angst Challenge - “I hope you find the happiness you’ve been pretending to have.” @nichelle-my-belle

Green cancels out red.

Yellow cancels out purple and brown…no purple and blue.

And lavender cancels out…yellow?

Jesus Christ. This shouldn’t be that difficult, hiding the evidence of your home life is a normal occurrence. The three concussions you’ve acquired over the years must be catching up to you.

You’re squinting harshly at the Revlon concealers on the top shelf before you. Trying and failing to remember which ones work the best, basically whatever hides the fucking truth.

“Oh! I’m sorry!” You spin around to apologize, immediately regretting the fast movement.

“You ok, honey?” The woman asks eyeing you too closely for your liking.

The automatic judgement is something you’ve become accustomed to over the years. You’re convinced it chips off a piece of your pathetic heart each time.

“I’m fine. Thanks.” You barely mumble turning away from her. You can still feel unwelcomed eyes on you, aggravated you silently command yourself to just breathe.

“Y/N?”

You freeze from the sound of your name although you’re more concerned with the deep voice saying it. It can’t be him…can it? For the love of all things holy, please let it not be him.

“Y/N?” Dean slightly hesitates, awkwardly staring as if you’ll run away any second.

You turn around painfully slow, stalling what’s about to take place. Your eyes lock, immediately waking something in you that you’ve been suppressing for years. Hope.

“Dean.” You let out a heavy sigh as your chest tightens, you struggle wanting the pressure to dissipate as quickly as it came. Your body’s way of warning you, an asthma attack is on the horizon.

“Wow. It’s been awhile.” He half heartedly chuckles, trying to keep his shocked reaction at bay. If it wasn’t for your sweet voice catching his attention, Dean would have kept strolling right by you. Completely and totally oblivious that the love of his life is near.

“Yeah…six years.” You offer him your best fake smile, praying that time has ruined Dean’s memory of you.

He doesn’t react, at least not in a negative way. Did he become an amazing actor? Or did he forget the look of your real smile? Either way, it makes you both relieved and disappointed. Stop it, Y/N. The last thing you want or need is to trap Dean fucking Winchester into this shitshow you call a life.

“What are you doing in Kansas? Last I heard you were working at Benny’s auto shop in New York.”

Dean’s stomach drops, his mouth turns dry and he’s debating if he should tell you the truth. Worried what your reaction will be, he nervously decides against it. At least for now. You’ll find out soon enough what he’s been doing with his life. He silently makes that promise to you.

“Sammy and Jess moved back here about a year ago. They have a daughter now, Kelly, they want her to grow up around her grandparents. Mom and dad are thrilled of course. So I’m just visiting everyone.”

“Yup they do.” Dean nods following your gaze down to the giant rock on your bony finger.

“You’ve obviously settled down yourself. Any rugrats?”

“Nah…no kids. Its not something I want.” You shrug nonchalantly, eyes fixating on anything but your ex boyfriend.

“Really? You always wanted kids. Or at least one.” Dean frowns eyeing you suspiciously. Shit.

“You couldn’t wait to have a little boy so you could dress him up in baseball caps and skull t-shirts.” Dean snickers at the memory, your face lit up when you used to talk about it.

“Things change.” You add softly, realizing he will never know the actual truth.

Dean barely nods in response, the restraint it’s taking to keep his mouth shut is nearly killing him. He doesn’t know specifics but he knows for sure that something isn’t fucking right.

Dean has missed you terribly since the breakup, the amount of regret he deals with on a daily basis is sometimes overwhelming. It doesn’t matter how much whiskey he knocks back or how many girls he takes to bed, you’re always hiding in the corner of his mind.

And now here you are in the flesh, standing before him and you’re not her. It’s a total mindfuck, to be honest Dean misses you even more now. Or at least the version of you that was his. The current version of you is breaking his fucking heart.

Your nails - usually perfectly trimmed and painted, are now ragged and thin. The texture of your hair looks dry and fried, the color and cut something you’d never choose six years ago.

Your wardrobe, once playful and always stylish is now drabby and depressing. You wouldn’t be caught dead in the oversized clothing you’re wearing right now. Even with the baggy clothes, Dean can see how thin and fragile you’ve become. Which confuses him slightly based on the shopping cart in front of you.

You strangely keep favoring your right leg. It wouldn’t be obvious to many people but Dean knows you’re usually full of energy, moving around even when standing still. So the fact that you’re not annoyingly restless is a huge red flag.

One of many at this point.

You know Dean is dissecting your appearance in his mind right now but you refuse to acknowledge it. This surprise encounter is hard enough, seeing the best part of your past standing in front of you is torture.

Thinking back you realize the breakup was a stupid solution, the fights you two had seem so lame and unimportant now but you were young. Young and stupid. Still being with Dean was the greatest time of your inevitably short life.

“Are you…are you okay, Y/N?” Dean asks concern overtaking his handsome features.

“Of course.”

“You don’t seem ok to me. You don’t even seem like the same girl.” He adds hesitantly.

“You’ve always been one for the dramatics, Dean. I’m doing great.”

“You’re lying.” Dean quietly growls, trying to control his anger.

“You haven’t seen me in a long time, Winchester. Maybe you just don’t know me as well as you used to.” You glare now getting angry yourself.

“Right. You’re right.” Dean snaps aggravated. “I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know your life or your husband. Or the reason why you no longer want children. Shit changes I guess, huh?”

“Exactly.”

“Well I’ve had fun strolling down memory lane but I have to go. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.”

“You too, Dean.” You respond softly, doing everything in your power not to break down.

“I hope you find the happiness you’ve been pretending to have, Y/N.” Dean adds bitterly, barely making eye contact as he leaves you behind.

The pure sadness in your eyes hits Dean hard as he stalks away from you. He hates causing you any kind of pain but unfortunately it’s necessary for his plan to work. It’s blatantly obvious your home life is keeping you prisoner and there’s no way in hell that’s going to continue.

Dean chose to hold back an important piece of information during your conversation. He’s been working for the FBI for years now, using the mechanic job as a cover. Dean always refrained from looking you up in the FBI database. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t been tempted, he could just never bring himself to do it.

It’s not like he expected to find anything negative - just the opposite. He assumed you were married with kids by now, living a full happy life. The kind you’ve always wanted and deserved. The kind he always thought he could never give you. Dean’s now kicking himself for being so fucking selfish. Maybe he could have saved you sooner if he put his god damn feelings aside.

Dean’s never been more determined in his entire life than he is right now. He’s going to save you, love you and do whatever it takes to see your beautiful, genuine smile again.

#Nichelle’s 4K Angst Challenge #superaturalfic #sam winchester #sam winchester au #jared padalecki #no longer you #dean winchester #dean winchester au #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #supernatural #supernatural au #spn reader insert #SPN #Jensen Ackles #supernatural fanfic

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marvelandponder · 8 years ago

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My Reason for Doing Anything: Because Cute

Happy Family Day, everybody! In order to celebrate today and the season seven spoilers we just go over the weekend, I thought we could just do something fun.

No real analytical insight here (she says, as if there normally is), I just want to acknowledge how cute the families are in this dang show. I could argue we’re doing this because the characters and their relationships are so central in what makes the show as wonderful as it is but... let’s be honest. It’s just because they’re cute.

Okay, so, before we start with that cuteness, let’s set some ground rules. Honourary/found families are in the running, and a family only has to be two or more characters. Small families are still families. Also, if it’s debatable that the characters themselves see that relationship as family, I’ll use my own judgement on whether they count or not.

Oh, and I should specify since we’re not taking this seriously in the slightest, the order is more a suggestion than anything. I would in fact really love to hear what you think the cutest family really is, but hey, I’ll keep blabbing whether you want to join in or not!

Special Spoiler Warning: Season 7 spoilers will be mentioned or referenced. Once specific episodes air in season 7, this list will be updated.

Honourable Mentions

Here’s the families that didn’t quite make the cut:

The Dash Family

The Sparkle Family

The Flim-Flam Bros

The Filthy Family

Cranky & Miltilda

Scorpan and Tirek

Sunburst’s Family

Discord and Fluttershy (an upcoming book entitled We Are Family suggests they might be considered familiy in some fashion, as well as a brief implication in the Luna and Discord Friends Forever comic; however, it has yet to be implied in the show proper)

Background/Side-Character Families

If I missed anyone significant, feel free to tell me so I can add it to the list!

#10. The Flutter/Breeze Family

Let’s start out with something not everyone can agree on: Zephyr Breeze is a fun character, if nothing else.

Like every family in MLP, Fluttershy’s family reveals a lot about her upbringing just by being who they are in the present. There’s no need for a flashback when you can plainly see Fluttershy’s coddling parents, and Zephyr Breeze’s bombastic, thoughtless personality and how he walks all over his family.

To some, this understandably makes Zephyr unlikable, but for others still, the comedy of his character lies in loving to... maybe not hate him, but certainly recognize just how unlikable he is. His silly self-absorption puts him clearly in the wrong in the episode, but to be fair to the guy, even when he’s extremely inconsiderate he’s never really malicious. You can tell he does love his family, he’s just a little focused on himself to show it well.

Between Zephyr’s fear of failure and Fluttershy’s fears of... well, a lot of things, it’s quite endearing to see Fluttershy’s character development pay off, and allow her to take the competent big sister role when coming home for a visit.

#9. The Armour-Amore Family

Really quick thought: it doesn’t seem like ponies always change their last names when they get married, but if they use Cadance’s name (and they did carry on that name scheme in a way with Flurry Heart), they would be the Amore or “Love” family. Just throwing that out there.

Ah, Shining Armor, Cadance, and Flurry Heart. One of the only families we’ve seen built from the ground up---and in real-time, nonetheless!

Even though the world’s cutest plot device there has garnered a fair bit of controversy, I’d still personally say this new family is pretty dang sweet. They’re currently living out a happily ever after of sorts, although still proving that comes with its fair share of struggles and quirks.

This is definitely a family founded on love. In fact that’s probably why Flurry Heart is so special to begin with. Together, her parents wield the power of love, so who knows what they can achieve working together, as a sweet, loving family.

#8. Rarity’s Family/The Belle Family

Another Note: Their mom has some kind of cookie-related cutie mark---is that their family theme? Sweets? Because I’ve been struggling to figure out how family names work in Equestria and that’s the best I’ve managed to find for these four

Who says there can’t be any fun in “dysfunctional?”

Now he’s a family with a lot of character, even if we don’t technically really know half of them. Rarity’s parents have only had a speaking role once, in Sisterhooves Social, but wow, did that one appearance pack a punch!

With their unfashionable mid-western designs and hokey Minnesotan accents, you can instantly tell what Rarity’s relationship with them must’ve been like, just because of the contrast between them.

Even better, of course, is one of the three primary sister relationships in the show: Rarity and Sweetie Belle.

I really struggle with not putting this higher because of them. They so expertly capture the subtleties of an argumentative but loving sibling relationship. How Sweetie looks up to Rarity, but that also puts her in her shadow. How Rarity’s responsibilities can even make Sweetie’s well-meaning failures frustrating. They’ve certainly had to grow quite a bit to be as close as they are now, and that relatable struggle is what makes this family all the sweeter.

#7. Celestia and Her Students

This one was the hardest to justify. Because it would be one thing if the only reason I wanted to include it was based on my own silly headcanons (which I could do but I don’t want this list to just be personal choices), but I feel like there’s been enough evidence to back me up here.

Celestia’s a motherly character by nature, so it doesn’t come as a surprise when that comes through in her role as a mentor. But I think what clinches it is how to some extent, she really did help raise Twilight and Sunset. If nothing else, it’s sort of comparable to a nanny, I guess, but even then that doesn’t seem to cut it. In the comics, Twilight’s been shown to have had other teachers throughout her schooling, but Celestia’s been a constant part of her life ever since she got her cutie mark---and even now that she’s graduated as a full-grown adult.

And don’t get me started on the mother-daughter parallels in Sunset and Celestia’s relationship, or what little we’ve seen of it. The added depth that comes with knowing how meaningful that relationship is to them both only makes the fracture between them more filled with The Feels. I swear, the fandom’s all but made a petition to DHX to show us their reunion.

They both look up to her and want her approval in their own ways, and that... kills me. Slowly.

My gut tells me there will be those who argue that even if it’s a meaningful relationship, it’s not necessarily classified as family, which is true. Outside of fan-works, neither Twilight, Sunset, nor Celestia have explicitly referred to each other family in any real way. But, hey, I did say honorary family counts, and if the subtext is arguably there, that’s close enough for me!

#6. Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo

Pure cute factor winning out!

I was having a hard time with the order of the 8-6. They’re three extremely different types of relationships, so it’s hard to set them next to each other and compare, but I think I made the right call.

Because this one was a relationship that was theorized about/anticipated by fans for the first two and a half seasons---spawning countless “Scootalove” stories and art to combat the “Scootabuse” going on at the time (our fandom has weird phases). So when it finally actually happened?

For even more context, I used to think that if Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo actually were sisters, Rainbow actually wouldn’t be all that kind to her. Lauren Faust originally thought Rainbow would make a bad sister, too (I think because there’s a difference between choosing a sister and having to grow up with one).

But, I think by that point in the series, Rainbow had matured enough to be that role model and big sister Scoots needed, which made it all the more satisfying to see! And ever since, Rainbow’s still managed to surprise us with how tender and genuinely open she’s willing to be with this little squirt of hers.

On the down side, I feel like Scoots has picked up a tiny bit of Dash’s ego since they started hanging out more, but it’s all worth it for the moments they now get to share.

#5. The Cakes and The Pies

This is such a cheat it’s not even funny. But, the reason I grouped them together is the main reason they’re both so adorable: their relationships with Pinkie Pie.

On the one hand, you’ve got the Cakes, a young couple who adopted this wandering party-planner into their home. Later, they were blessed with two, adorable, trouble-making twins who absolutely love Pinkie.

Technically, you could question whether or not they see Pinkie as family, but come on. Come on.

And on the other hand, there’s the Pies. Wow, they’re delightful! For a family as dull as dishwater, they’re really anything but with their unique personalities and unquestionable love for one and other. I’d love to see more of them! Special shoutout goes to Maud and Pinkie’s relationship, of course, because I don’t know if there’s anything cuter than how much they clearly love each other.

That’s some real cute stuff right there.

#4. Twilight and Spike

Are they mother and son? Sister and brother?

I don’t know if we’ll ever have their relationship defined beyond “number one assistant,” but dammit if they aren’t an adorable pair. Spike was Twilight’s first friend. Twilight raised Spike ever since he hatched.

Even now that Spike finally has a dragon friend in his homeland, there’s nothing that can erase the meaningful bond these two share. Heck, Spike’s worst fear is Twilight sending him away, not needing him anymore, but as she tells him in season 3 opener, there’s absolutely no chance of that fear coming to pass.

What could be cuter?

#3. The Apple Family

You knew they’d be pretty far up here, didn’t you? After all, what could be more adorable than a family who (for whatever reason) lost two central members and had to reform even stronger?

Check out Days Gone By for some proper Apple family feels, BECAUSE WOW. I don’t know about you, but finally getting to meet their parents in the upcoming season has me hyped! It’s currently unclear whether the deaths the staff have confirmed and hinted at in the show will be retconned or not, but I can’t help it after waiting for this for so long!

It’s especially cute because we know how important family has always been to the Apple clan, even before the parents left the picture. The Apple family spans all the way across Equestria, from sea to shining sea, and all of them love each other dearly.

Tight-knit is definitely the right word, and the more times we’ve explored the relationships in this family, the more we’ve seen why they value family so much. They’re all apples to the core.

#2. The Royal Sisters/ The Royal Family

This one’s sort of a catch-all, isn’t it? In fact three of the other families on this nonsensical list can qualify as different offshoots of the royal family. Shout-out to Twilight’s B.B.B.F.F!

If it bothers you, that’s fair, but even if we’re strictly talking about Luna and Celestia, they still easily steal this spot. Their story was the original backbone behind this series, the first redemption arc, and an on-going source of guilt and pain. After a thousand years, their reunion must’ve been so special for them, and I think we’ve found that out more and more in hindsight, getting to know how deeply they love each other and the complex emotions involved in their tragedy (turned comedy, I suppose).

I think that’s part of what makes these characters so enduring. But more on that soon... (in another editorial, and hopefully in season 7 with a Celestia episode!)

For our purposes here, it’s more than enough to see these two ruling together, with their subjects, their friends, and their family around them.

#1. The Mane Family

Seriously, how could I not?

Yes, yes, you may think this is the biggest cheat of them all, but hey, way back in season 2, Applejack referred to them as honorary family. I don’t see why it shouldn’t count.

The best part of all this is that everyone can define this family differently. Want to keep it just the mane 6 and Spike? Go for it! Think characters like Discord, Starlight, Sci-Twi and/or Sunset should be included? Sure! Who’s gonna stop you?

Sometimes the most important family in your life are the people you’re related to, but as the old saying goes “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”---meaning, sometimes it’s the family you choose that matters most.

And I think that’s what’s so special about this show, you know? The friendships in it can be as deep and meaningful as traditional family. That’s definitely something worth celebrating.

Editorials here, just for you! Here’s the latest three, so you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your dash:

Rainbow Dash’s, Cadance’s, and Pinkie Pie’s Editorials

Year of the Pony

Only official art used, so no awesome vector artists to credit here!

Family Appreciation Day x10

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torestoreamends · 8 years ago

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Wand Headcanons

I’ve seen people speculating about Albus and Scorpius’s wands in light of this post, so I thought I’d dust of my own wand headcanons and join in the fun!

I’ve actually written fics about all of these, apart from Scorpius’s first wand. If you’re interested here is little Albus getting his first wand. And here is a two part fic about Albus and Scorpius getting their second wands! I’ve never gone into massive detail about the headcanons themselves though. So, without further ado... here they are!

Albus’s First Wand

Blackthorn and Phoenix Feather, 10 inches, reasonably pliant

I loved blackthorn as a wand for Albus because it’s a bit unusual and spiky (’the blackthorn bush, which sports wicked thorns...’), and is suited to a warrior. I think Albus is a fighter, and he certainly has a prickly disposition, so it seems to suit his personality. It’s a powerful wand wood, although the interesting thing is that ‘the wands made from this wood appear to need to pass through danger or hardship with their owners to become truly bonded’.

I really like the idea that Albus’s troubles with magic partly come from the fact that he isn’t really bonded with his wand yet. There are lots of reasons for his problems I think, emotional ones in particular, but this would be an interesting contributing factor. But the thing is, the danger and hardship that would help him bond with it is the encounter with Delphi, so the wand is lost before he has chance to figure it out.

Exacerbating this difficulty further is the Phoenix Feather core. I didn’t deliberately pick that core because it’s the same as Harry’s, but I like that it is, because imagine it only adding to Albus’s feeling of living in his father’s shadow. Anyway, one of the features of Phoenix wands is that their allegiance is hard to win, they’re difficult to tame and personalise, although eventually they’re capable of a great range of magic. I like the idea that Albus’s wand is full of untapped potential, a potential it will never achieve, although its owner hopefully will.

I went with a shorter wand for Albus because he’s pretty small in terms of height and build, but also because he’s introverted and quiet, and he contains expressions of his true personality to when he’s around Scorpius.

I deliberately didn’t want him to have a rigid or inflexible wand, because that isn’t his character. He does grow and change, and he shows willingness to adapt his behaviour (he apologises at the end of the library scene, and I’m sure he’d be determined to learn from the mistakes he made with Scorpius there). In the final scene of the play he talks about trying to be a better son for Harry. He can accept his problems and try to change them. However he is also stubborn and snappish, and I think ‘reasonably pliant’ is a way of capturing all that.

Albus’s Second Wand

Larch and Dragon Heart String, 10 3/4 inches, rather springy

I picked larch for Albus’s second wand, because the description of it feels warm and powerful, and I think it’s a nice fit for his future growth as a character. Larch wands have a reputation for instilling courage and confidence in their user, and I want Albus to have confidence in his ability more than anything. I love the idea of him having a second wand that will help him believe in himself, and reach his true potential, as opposed to his tricky, obstructive first wand.

On the subject of potential, ‘it is often the case that the witch or wizard who belongs to the larch wand may never realise the full extent of their considerable talents until paired with it, but that they will then make an exceptional match’. Albus has so much to give that he’s never discovered before. As he repairs his relationship with his dad, grows in confidence, discovers his abilities and passions, and becomes more comfortable in himself and his position in the wizarding world, I think he’ll discover a lot of talents, and will surprise himself. This seems to perfect wand for him to do that with.

I went with Dragon as a core because it’s powerful, and fast learning. I love the tendency towards the Dark Arts. Albus has a dark, angsty streak. We see him suggest killing Delphi. He struggles with the idea of his Slytherin side. But of course he’s an ultimately good character, and I love to think of him holding something with the potential for darkness in his hand and choosing to use it for good. I think that would be a really empowering thing for his character. I also love that Dragon is prone to accidents and is a little temperamental. As great a wizard as Albus becomes, I like to imagine he’ll always have a little trouble with magic sometimes.

I thought this wand should be a little longer than the first, because Albus is coming out of his shell by the end of the play. I imagine him expressing himself more, and I think a longer wand goes hand in hand with his growing confidence. Additionally, he has grown as a person, and is prepared to grow further. I think he’s happier, and more outgoing, hence the springy flexibility.

Scorpius’s First Wand

Willow and Unicorn Hair, 12 1/2 inches, pleasantly swishy

This is another uncommon wand wood (apparently I like using those? It wasn’t super intentional). I chose it partly because of the healing power, because I like to headcanon Scorpius as becoming a healer when he’s older, but there’s a lot more to it than that.

‘I have noted that the ideal owner for a willow wand often has some (usually unwarranted) insecurity, however well they may try and hide it.’ I think this applies to Scorpius. He has this issue about being brave, and trying to prove his bravery to his dad, which comes up a couple of times, both within the script, and within the background action onstage. And I think there’s a level of insecurity that comes with being branded the ‘son of Voldemort’, and that comes with being a Malfoy, and the judgement which accompanies both of those things.

Scorpius is unashamedly himself, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care what people think of him, particularly those who are important to him. And he does seem to question himself and make quiet admissions about his insecurities, although he’s excellent at hiding them away.

Then there’s the reputation of enabling advanced magic. Scorpius is going to be a great wizard. He’s very smart, and powerful, he works hard in school and loves studying. He has a lot of knowledge, and I’m sure that extends into his spellwork. I think a wand that was ambitious, and wanted an accomplished owner would undoubtedly select Scorpius.

Alongside this is the fact that willow wands select those of great potential, who have a long way to go. Scorpius has great potential. He’s ambitious, and I’m sure he aspires to be a brilliant wizard. This aspect of willow seems to suit him perfectly.

Again I chose for Scorpius the same core as is in his dad’s wand. Again it was unintentional, but kind of wonderful, because Scorpius, too, is struggling with father-son issues. However, the real reason I picked Unicorn is because it’s just good. They’re the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They’re faithful and consistent, and prone to light magic. And if anyone is pure and good, and has a kind heart, then it’s Scorpius Malfoy.

I wanted Scorpius to have a longer, more flexible wand, because he’s tall and skinny and has a big, flamboyant personality. He’s nerdy, and unashamed about it, and he’s an all singing all dancing ridiculous geek, no matter the circumstances he’s in. It shines out of him. And of course he listens and learns, and is adaptable. I can’t imagine Astoria Malfoy raising a son who isn’t capable of taking in and carefully considering new points of view.

Scorpius’s Second Wand

Pear and Phoenix Feather, 11 1/2 inches, nice and flexible

This is a bit of an interesting one, because it isn’t entirely Scorpius’s wand. Someone once suggested to me the idea of Scorpius finding Astoria’s wand after his own is snapped, and it choosing him. It was such a beautiful thought that I couldn’t let it go, so this is a wand which I think fits both of them.

Pear is essentially a good wand wood, as close to one as you can get. ‘I do not know of a single instance where a pear wand has been discovered in the possession of a Dark witch or wizard.’ I think that’s a pretty beautiful thing for a Malfoy, who’s been previously condemned as the ‘son of Voldemort’. I’ve already mentioned that if there’s any completely good-hearted person in Cursed Child then it’s probably Scorpius.

This is a powerful, brilliant wand wood, and it gives its best ‘in the hands of warm-hearted, the generous and the wise’. Again, if that’s not a summary of both Scorpius and Astoria (as far as we see her in the play), then I’m not sure what is. The odd thing about pear wands is that their owners are usually popular and well-respected, which Scorpius certainly isn’t in 4th year, but there’s time for him to grow, and I certainly think Astoria would have been both popular and well-respected among those who knew her.

The other lovely quality of pear is its resilience. Scorpius has an ability to be hit hard over and over again and just keep going. He suffers horrible rumours and bullying, his mother dies, his best friend abandons him without explanation, he finds himself lost and alone in a world where Voldemort rules, he’s tortured by Voldemort’s daughter, he and his best friend are trapped in the past... But still he continues to be himself. He keeps fighting and loving and being irrepressibly geeky and happy and full of the most terrible puns. Scorpius is probably the definition of resilience.

I’d say the Phoenix Feather core is the most Astoria part of this wand. I think left to his own devices Scorpius would always have a unicorn core. But equally, he’s independent, and strong-willed, and capable of extraordinary magic, so I don’t see any reason why he couldn’t be chosen by a Phoenix wand.

The 11 1/2 inches again speak to his height and build. Undoubtedly Astoria had a slightly more restrained, controlled personality than Scorpius does, I imagine because of her upbringing and social schooling, but this is still a flexible, expressive wand. As Scorpius grows up he probably does become less flaily and more considered in his words and actions. I don’t think it’s a restraint of personality, but a maturity thing. I can imagine him growing up to be relatively dignified and respectable, but still with a lot of sparkle and fun. And of course he would always keep his ability to learn and grow and embrace new ideas.

So there you go. I’ve spent way too many hours of these, but I had fun. The original ones (Scorpius and Albus’s first wands) were developed in collaboration with @anthonyboyles while we sat in a Starbucks on the day of the Cursed Child premiere, so shout out to her for putting up with me chatting about wand woods for like three hours.

#Harry Potter and the Cursed Child #Scorbus #Scorpius Malfoy #Albus Severus Potter #Astoria Malfoy #HPCC Meta #Keep The Secrets #Prickly cactus child #Bread Boy #I have a lot of very detailed and rambly headcanons #most of which are super random #and I love writing about them #as you can tell #Anyway #I hope these seem plausible or at least interesting #I'm particularly proud of Albus's ones tbh #I think I did quite well with those

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wolf974 · 6 years ago

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1ST ESSAY OF “THE LORD OF THE RINGS”

1st Essay of “the Lord of the Rings”

1. How can it be just a dream?

It was the day I cannot forget until the end of my life, one cold day in 2001 Winter. A 10 years old Korean girl, who was not able to fully understand that the movie could be a trilogy, was shocked tremendously after watching “The Fellowship of the Ring”; the long-take scene, from the back of Frodo and Sam to the darkness of Mordor, was implying that there will be a sequel of it.

Within a year that I had to wait for the next film, I read all books related to the Middle-earth, “The Hobbit,” “The Silmarillion,” and LOTR. After becoming one of a kind of Tolkienian, I watched the movie, “The Two Towers,” around at least 10 times in the theater.

Waiting for the final film for a year again, I bought the extended editions DVD of the first and second ones. Checking out the making films became a comfort for me who was waiting for the final in boredom.

Personally, I would like to tell that “The Two Towers” comes out the top of the series. Because, sometimes, it is too fresh to have a first bite of the apple, and at the same time, I get too sick of it towards the last bit, then the middle one becomes the best to enjoy the taste and flavor of it.

Looking backward my own teenage, I was so fragile from the age of storms and gales, who did not have any hints to solve the differences from others and to cope the coldness of the world I had never met before. Whenever I was about to fall apart, I deeply connected to the fantasy world. Reading the books of LOTR, I indulged too much myself in the world and history of it, fantasizing myself as a hero of that world.

Once I aspired desperately to escape from reality, I was captivated to the delusion that I will be in the middle-earth someday. However, it was nothing that I cannot fulfill, and that fact made me so gloomy. It is now clear that I was so eager to have the mindset of being aloof, intense and spiritual, during my adolescence.

2. After reading LOTR in English, re-encountered it in a new way

Of course, when I was young, I tried to read it in English. “The Hobbit” was not my favorite, so I decided to study English by reading the LOTR which I loved so dearly. Then, I found out it was too hard for me. In fact, at that age not easy at all was it for me to read LOTR even in Korean. (I was 4th or 6th grader in elementary school at the moment)

Only, I was amazed by the story of Middle-earth due to its beauty, elegance, and antiqueness. The comparison would not be wise, but I would dare to do it with the Harry Potter series which was simultaneously popular in Korea early 2000s; LOTR was beautiful and delicate which sometimes reminded me of mythologies, but still, characters were very realistic, and Harry Potter series was very modern.

Recently, I have craved for LOTR series again so suddenly. Yes, indeed, I thought it would be a beauty if I enjoy the trilogy around this time of the year which is the beginning or end of the year that makes me have some time to spare. Since the 4th of this January, according to my planner, I’ve reread LOTR, this time in English, being thirsty to the contents of it.

Then, why, it was only after then that many thoughts got entangled in my head.

3. Finally becoming aware of what Gandalf told Frodo

Though it is not faster to read LOTR in English than in Korean, reading it aloud makes me feel how this great trilogy is beautiful and fair to recite. Moreover, I’ve become aware of what Gandalf told Frodo, which I was never able to fully understand when I was young.

‘I wish it need not have happened in my time,’ said Frodo. ‘So do I,’ said Gandalf, ‘and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. ; The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King (p. 51). HarperCollins Publishers. Kindle Edition.

‘No, and I don’t want to,’ said Frodo. ‘I can’t understand you. Do you mean to say that you, and the Elves, have let him live on after all those horrible deeds? Now at any rate he is as bad as an Orc, and just an enemy. He deserves death.’ ‘Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. ; The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King (p. 59). HarperCollins Publishers. Kindle Edition.

Gandalf is the very existence, representing hope for all of us. Then, it is interesting to see that hope comes from wise men such as Gandalf, who could view the broader things with his wisdom. On the contrary, for the factors that destroy hope are the fear and despair, many people tend to be blind even if things are right under their noses.

The first paragraph which I quote shows that sagacious men never avoid the reality because of despairs and lament. They just try to break through it. There is no need to think of everything in a hard way, especially of the nature of human and the world. It is merely a massive hodgepodge. The line between the right and evil is basically indistinctive, so there has always been no method how to discern whether it is good or not. If the good turns its head, there will appear evil, and vice versa. Therefore, we have only one choice, that is doing something following our own decisions.

However, there is a significant problem: we know very few things; and, we are not prepared well. It will be an expressway to become corrupt, if we make decisions of which even ourselves do not fully know, not being ready to take responsibility for the result that our wrong choice will arouse.

That is the reason why sages always lower their body; they are aware of the fact that they could make the wrong choices whenever they can. Also, that is why the saints from all over the world teach everyone to practice, study, and train principles. It does not mean that people should be prisoners of knowledge, confined to erudition. It says that we should always be prepared to prove what we have learned word by word. Nevertheless, as Gandalf told Frodo, we cannot choose the moment for the test. We should just prepare at all times what we will do at the moment of that test. In that way, it is always for trial, paradoxically.

Also, Gandalf told Frodo that he should not declare how other beings will end. From this scene, I could say that why Gandalf leave the one ring to hobbits, and why he did not want to take it with himself.

In fact, it is not that easy to find out from the old stories from “The Silmarillion” in which the noble beings have been corrupted so easily. It has same logic with the maxim that the birds fly at the highest-level fall from the highest. The cases of people achieving a rise in such early days, having a parent who is so influential, or being so talented are what people should be cautious, following the Confucian old books; because it would be so easy to lose their balances if they fill themselves with what overflow their containers.

One of the main characters in LOTR, Aragorn, is a positive example. He is the head of Dunedain, a nobleman, and a wanderer who had passed through all kinds of adversities and the process of proving himself anonymously. That made him as the strongest human in the era. It is the exact reason why heroes and heroines need ordeals; they gain enlightenment from multiple chances of struggles.

The best learning is not infusing the mantras into oneself that one is the best creature or worst, but it is to realize that one is so trivial in this wide world, still being valuable which will grow as the part of it at the same time.

For one who is so powerful and talented, it is proving oneself not to put the ring on one’s finger; because it is plausible as long as one is truly wise. On the contrary, hobbits who are wanting just mellow peace in their lives following their culture and customs, it is natural not to have bigger dreams than they could do in their ordinary lives, which is another motive for them to be obstinate against calls of the evil. Of course, it seems Gollum is an exception, rendering not to generalize it easily; considering our two lovely hobbits, Frodo who loved simple and beautiful days in the Bag End, and Sam who wished to organize the most beautiful garden in the world, show us why we need the ordinary citizens.

Yes, we cannot tell the end in which truly final decisions will be made, and every moment decide who are really strong, weak, and foolish. Depriving oneself is not a big deal at all. It is purely a matter of entering the right way or the left way tomorrow morning. Therefore, we should not quickly judge others. Deriding is so immediate and easy, but if we were in their shoes, it would be likely that we would behave similarly. If you do not want that, you should try your best to prove that you are an exception. Soon, I bet, you will lose the proofs to criticize others. Your gazing at yourself in the process of efforts will show you the good and evil which are nesting in the deepest heart of you, like two sides of the same coin.

4. After singing, the world appeared – between the lines of fantasy and reality

I thought my research/thesis-writing is not divisible by the creation of stories, after reading the novel and watching the film of LOTR.

How was Peter Jackson so successful to make a film from the original novel? Indeed, the team and Peter Jackson showed their abilities, talents, industriousness, and constant efforts to build a masterpiece. However, as a writer, I would like to focus on Tolkien.

Frankly, I think, the reason why Jackson could succeed to make it has a basis on such detailed and vast work of Tolkien. It is so great that it is possible to call Tolkien himself as Eru Iluvatar, a creator; because he documented every image with which ordinary people will deem nothing more than their dreams in night and daydreams.

Some people could name it as a marvelous talent. However, I regard that ability no less than industriousness and steadiness. He created the languages of Middle-earth and made documents from his observation on hobbits, elves, and dwarves. And he edited and blended what he had learned from old mythologies and tales.

Notably, in this era which prefers videos and images instead to the writings, as I still value a skill of writing, I have put many thoughts into what would be the differences between the capacity to make the narratives and the modern technologies such as visual media. I would like to say, at this point in time, Tolkien was the pure creator who cast so many images in the sheets of the white paper. He provided details and instructions using the words, and based on it, Hollywood technicians including Peter Jackson was able to materialize out of the verbal images.

I felt instantly that I should gain a lesson from the accomplishment of Tolkien, concerning being as a researcher and a scholar. In my case, I would like to embody politics in the form of art. Many people will feel it absurd because they could not see any relevance between politics and fantastic literature, but I will ask them a question; isn’t it the image which somebody already dreamt of, I mean, the reality in which we live? Many philosophers and writers have designed those in the form of a sketchy, and engineers have given breathe to them to be born.

Therefore, I have to combinate images which I have learned and seen, to implement those in reality, and to generate workable narratives and discourses.

It may be just a fantasy, regarding direct democracy and anarchism. Has it been possible in any era? Is it really possible?

Then, I will sing. Within the given time, let me spit the words chanting spells, edit things, install conditions, reap what I’ve cultivated, provide influences for people. When the time comes that the blueprint I draw gets clear, it will be only after the dream which few people just dreamt will come true as a reality that many people can see the border will disappear.

5. Again, how can it be just a reality?

In my present, happiness is everywhere. Gratefulness and delights are full of my mind. Of course, sometimes I shudder because of fear that I have the evil of this world even in my own heart. And my hair on the body stands with the dread that I could be corrupted because of what I have done wrong since I can remember.

At the same time, I pray, that I will do my best to pass the test even though I do not have any clue whether I can or not. I pray, so being as the most foolish human in the world that I will be modest always. I pray that I will love my nearest and dearest. I pray that I will discard all greed and worries. I pray that I will stand with my own feet, not leaning on others. I pray that I will put my efforts even though everything will be different from now. And, I pray, that I will not fall into the karma of endless reincarnation by doing things which do not go with the flow, even if I could spill tears because of the ending of everything!

Now very grateful with things I have am I, a lovely husband and a cat, the cutest creature in the world. I am thankful that I am very healthy in the conditions where I could continue studying, enjoying the delights of learning.

Based on this gratitude, I will look myself in the face at the moments of conscienceless states. Trying not to decide the injustice, I will strive to be the one who can take responsibility for which I’ve made following my own standard. And I will not forget good things and bad things which I have received until now, and I will better good things, and I will nullify the worse effects of bad things, to cut the reincarnation.

Then, again, how can it be just a reality?

Though this massive world is the gigantic fantasy that we have created, we have never been separated from this fantastic image even once. That is why we love, hurt, and are born. Still, I believe; the time will eventually come in the day that we will cut the vicious cycle and always choose the most beautiful decisions, yes, the time of nirvana. Therefore, I believe; that I will come back to here even after I die, because “I” will not be gone as long as “Human” does not disappear.

#ethics #lotr #thelordoftherings #politics #novel #fantasy

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