#i do believe this would help HOWEVER I REFER YOU TO MY PREVIOUS POSTS ON THIS TOPIC

[trans-cuchulainn]

i feel like i'm a weird candidate for sex therapy bc it's like yeah on the one hand i grew up evangelical and repressed and on the other hand i've spent ten years doing queery theory and hanging out in more or less exclusively queer spaces and deconstructing everything to the point where i've got nothing left that makes sense so i can talk about gender and sexuality with a ton of nuance and understanding of historical and cultural context and also there's a part of my brain that still secretly believes i'm going to hell for it

but i have already done so much work on unlearning that to the point where i have circled around to a completely different issue, which is that i objectively believe it's fine to want whatever you want, and even though my instinct is that this doesn't apply to me i know that's unhelpful and i should ignore those thoughts because they're not true, but also i have absolutely no idea what i want and even less idea how to label it because i'm too aware that labels only describe our current cultural constructions of identities that actually don't adequately match how i understand myself bc i spent too much time thinking about premodern conceptions of gender and sexuality and got myself stuck in a corner with it

so like. i already therapised myself a lot. i've thought a lot about identity and how it works. i've done so much challenging of unhelpful thoughts and dealing with trauma responses and whatever. i have quite an advanced understanding on that front and frankly have probably taken it too far at times. but the basics of "what do you actually want, néide"? nah. fuck if i know

people who know this much about queer theory should be better at queer practice. unfortunately,

[artistmarchalius]

Cockney Rhyming Slang Phrases Part 1

Part 2

In a previous post I went into Cockney rhyming slang history and gave some tips on how to use it.

In this post I’ll give you some commonly used Cockney rhyming slang phrases, phrases that I find funny, as well as some phrases that I think would be useful for Spider-Verse fic writers specifically.

So let’s get started!

A-B

Adam and Eve - Believe

E.g. “I don’t Adam and Eve it!”

Apples and Pears - Stairs

E.g. “He fell down the apples.”

Aunt Joanna - Piano

E.g. “Play me a song on the old Joanna!” Or “Get on the Joanna and we’ll have a sing song!”

Barnet Fair - Hair

E.g. “How do I fit my barnet under my mask? Wouldn’t you like to know.”

This is a very common Cockney phrase; you’ll hear a lot of true Cockneys talking about getting their barnet done.

Barney Rubble - Trouble

E.g. “Looks like someone’s lookin’ for a Barney!”

Bread and Honey - Money

E.g. “I ain’t got enough bread for that.”

Bird Lime - Time (in prison)

E.g. “He’s doin’ bird.”

Bird lime is a sticky substance you spread on trees to catch birds (now illegal, thankfully). You can understand why people relate it to feeling trapped.

Boat Race - Face

E.g. “He’s got a handsome boat!” Or “Shut your boat!” Or “I’m not just gonna show you my boat race, mate. Secret identity and all that.”

Bottle and Glass

I’m going to let you figure this one out.

E.g. “Look at the bottle on that guy!” Or “I slipped on the steps and went bottle over tit!”

Brass Tacks - Facts

E.g. “Let’s get down to brass tacks!”*

*Some people think that this phrase originates from the Cockney rhyming slang, however others say that it is referring to brass tacks used in upholstery or tacks that were hammered into sales counters to indicate measuring points. I don’t have the answer.

Brown Bread - Dead

E.g. “He’s brown bread!”

This is an example of a Cockney rhyming slang phrase that you don’t abbreviate. You always say “brown bread” and never just “brown”.

Bubble Bath - Laugh

E.g. “Are you having a bubble?”

This is meant more in an irritated sense rather than joyful laughter, like saying “You must be joking!” Or “Are you having a laugh?”

Butchers Hook - Look

E.g. “Let’s have a butchers at that.” Or “Take a quick butchers at this!”

It’s good to keep in mind that there can be multiple Cockney rhyming slang phrases for the same word, as well as multiple Cockney rhyming slang phrases that start with the same word. For example, ‘Birds Nest” and “Bristol and West” both mean chest, and “Birds Nest” and “Bird Lime” both can be abbreviated to “Bird”. For the latter, context is important for knowing what someone is talking about.

As always, I’m not an expert; a true Cockney would know far more than I do. I just want to share the knowledge that I have. I hope that someone will find this helpful, informative, or entertaining at the very least.

I’ve got more Cockney rhyming slang phrases coming, but if there’s any other areas of British slang you’d like me to go into, let me know and I’ll see what I can do!

Happy writing and happy speaking!

My other British slang posts: Cockney Rhyming Slang, British Police Slang, Terms of Endearment, Innit VS In’t - a PSA

[thr0wnawayy]

Midoriya's Delusion

This is post that builds upon my previous one, I've copied many of the points I made there to here. Albiet with some corrections and tweaks.

To summarize, I have a bit of a crack theory that chapter 430 isn't as real as we've been led to believe. (As for when this actually takes place, that's up to you but I like to imagine the start of his third year marks the beginning of his mental decline.)

(As an update, I find it dubious whether 8 years have actually passed or if that's also a part of the fantasy. I can see Midoriya becoming so attached to the lie that his reference of time begins to warp)

This theory mostly comes from some inconsistencies in regards to the hero rankings and some other things I've found.

Corrections:

It's left ambiguous whether Best Jeanist and Endeavor are still active. However the fact that people view these two in a postive light (especially after Dabi and the war) still seems absurd.

2. Midoriya wasn't outright abandoned, rather their busy schedules make it hard for their days off to coincide. This falls apart when you look at this panel

"The rate of new villains keep decreasing and the number of heroes have stabilized"

Besides Ochaco who's funding a quirk counseling project, the rest of the class should be able to make time. Again it's stated that they aren't actually fighting.

There's no real threat to face. Besides PR and Community Service there's bot a whole lot else (besides the occasional natural disaster)

One could argue it's because the scope of what heroes do is increasing, thus keeping them busy. But again, we see heroes doing exactly what they did before, PR, Advertising and (implied) Showboating.

This leads me to believe that the lack of contact is based in reality, to some extent.

Whether it was by choice or forced by their (1A's) respective PR teams to preserve their images (can't be seen around the "freaks" for too long, now can we?).

The lie comes in the form of busy schedules.

Now whether that's what Midoriya tells himself or what he's been told, I cannot say for certain.

Disturbia:

For those of you who didn't read my last post, you may be wondering, so what's going on?.

Simply put:

Midoriya's having a breakdown fantasy to cope with the fact that he won't be becoming a hero due to the loss of his quirk.

Im aware it sounds crazy but consider the following:

1. Midoriya subconsciously knows the way he's been treated was wrong.

This manifests within the escapists fantasy in Bakugo's drop in the rankings + the attitude surrounding him (as well as his damaged hand never fully healing)

He meets a kid who just so happens to be in a near exact same position as he once* was (and still is to an extent). One could take this as his mind's way of trying to cope and heal itself, by having Midoriya do what he does best and help others, henceforth working though his trauma by using the kid as a stand in.

*Even the kid's "bully" seems to be a warped version of Bakugo (perhaps this is how Midoriya tries to fool himself into believing how it was)

2. We see Kota.

I believe that here, Kota serves as what Midoriya thinks he could have been had he not failed. Kota is the idealized version of Midoriya here, the unobtainable.

3. A lesson ignored

Apparently people forgot the connection between Endeavor and Shoto. You'd think this would be a good thing as Shoto would be able to become his own person.

This falls flat when you remember that also includes people forgetting the reason and happenings behind Shoto's existence, it feels like Midoriya is trying to have his cake and eat it too

To elaborate, this is a major copout, it allows Shouto to be unaffected by his family's past bith career wise and emotionally. While also feeding into Midoriya's rather toxic belief that forgiveness is required to be a good person.

(The fact that killing Tomura violated this only adds to my theory that this whole thing is an escapist coping mechanism.)

(You can also add the idea that Tomura didn't forgive society for what they did to him and his friends. That likely broke all the "rules" that Midoriya knew.)

4. The Mech Suit is a massive cope, it's the dying whimper of Midoriya's childish hope that All Might will save the day.

This time there's no magic quirk, no garrish mech suit, no plot twist.

No. There's only Midoriya and the consequences of his, his classmates and hero societies actions. It doesn't matter how shiny and seamless the illusion, how sweet the lie.

You can't hide the blood.

Concerning Aspects:

That was mostly the revised stuff, let me introduce you to some new points

1. A Frozen Lake

Something I noticed was certain characters seem to be almost frozen in time, as if someone tried to continue a story using scraps of the original text.

The curious case of Rei Himura:

This scene seems almost stagnant, what was most noticeable was Enji's bandages still being on and Rei still being there.

It's as if Midoriya hasn't seen them in years (or perhaps doesn't want to acknowledge what happened). So his mind uses what he last saw/heard of them, creating a sterile, static scenario. Little better than props.

Those surrounding her (with the exception of Hawks) also seem to be stuck in the past.

It's definitely strange.

2. See No Evil, Hear no Evil, Speak No Evil

Shigaraki is a representation of Midoriya's repressed guilt and his fears. I believe deep down Midoriya knows that, inevitably the cycle will repeat, so long as the system is allowed fester and wallow in it's complancy.

I find the fact that he's behind Midoriya to be ironic, as if to say: don't look back, don't think about what you've done.

A Symbol of Stagnation:

I should warn you that it does get lengthy from here, however I think it's important to get the full picture. Even if I tend to ramble here.

It's implied here that Lemillion's the top hero. This is awful for a variety of reasons. Mirio is a horrible symbol.

All Might was flawed for a variety of reasons, but a majority of these were byproducts rather than directly being his own doing.

Mirio on the other hand, has such a cancerous philosophy that it actively harms all who interact with it.

Mirio is a follower, he follows orders first and asks questions never.

Eri is the best example of this. Even after Nighteye's death, Mirio never truly reflects on the damage his actions could have caused ( only saved by the narrative, seriously it's a miracle Eri trusts anyone besides Midoriya after being abandoned like that)

You see, the difference between Toshinori and Mirio lies in their actions and principles.

Mirio left Eri to die, all for the sake of the "mission".

For all the heroes knew, Eri could have been a trafficking victim and either have been killed or relocated. But no, appearances and "gotta catch em all" take priority even after knowing Eri is in the Yakuza's clutches.

Lemillion made the worst decisions possible. He followed a known murder into a secluded, restricted area (with a hostage mind you) bringing his pupil with him.

Willingly ignored blatant signs of abuse (just look at the girl) and played hooky with thre leader of a criminal organization, who is known for his short fuse and willingness to kill.

He did all of that, when he could have easily detained Overhaul at any point (his quirk being a direct counter)

Toroshinori would fight tooth and nail in that situation. Consequences be damned if it meant saving Eri.

Part of the reason Toroshinori was so effective as a hero was 1. His sense of justice and 2. His compassion.

Mirio is a symbol that can be controlled, a weapon if you will.

The fact that Mirio is at the top shows that things haven't changed and are even beginning to decline. So this brings me to my next point

You may be asking, if Midoriya's losing it in his own mind, what's the outside world look really like?.

Allow me to set the stage.

4. Speculation

Within Midoriya's muddled mind, Lemillion represents both his toxic optimism and a subconscious understanding that nothing has changed. It represents denial and acceptance, a dysfunctional middle ground that's easy enough for Midoriya to stomach.

The truth of the matter is, delusion or not, the reality is soon to sink in.

Something that I don't see discussed is the lack of reactions from other nations or really any insight into how they were affected by everything that happend.

Here's the idea: Most likely they are foaming at the mouth.

Particularly it's the countries who suffered under Imperial Japan in the past (Korea, China, Singapore etc), however this also applies to every nation Nedzu brow beat into aiding with the rebuilding efforts, albiet their reaction would be latent.

Not not only is the attitude painfully reminiscent of how Japan handles it's past atrocities, Japan has had them clean up their messes. seen below:

(you cannot tell me Big Red Dot over here is having a good time)

From an outside pov. The Commission never told anyone about AFO, rather they suppressed any information, locked him up in Tartarus and then sat on the whole situation until it blew up in their (read: everyones) faces.

He then proceeded to: kill over 8000 people (+ those killed during the Blackout period), kill the top hero of one of the world's most powerful nations and incite mass panic. Destroyed massive amounts of infrastructure and transport nationwide, broke thousands of criminals out of prison, destroying those prisons in the process.

Meanwhile the heroes:

Abandoned civilians in mass by quitting in the middle of a war.

Left the public in the dark for months and allowing crime and paranoia to grow rampant, even (forcibly) bringing someone they knew was being targeted by AFO and his forces to the one place they could find shelter.

Mutilated a seven year old girl. Who has a history of being mutilated for the gain of others and patted themselves on the back. (Also having no holdup on how that may effect her physically via her quirk or mentally via her trauma)

Mic: tried to kill a docile prisoner who could be considered in comatose, based off of his emotional attachment to a dead man + viewing it as justified if it meant Spinner couldn't get to him.

Used hospital staff and patients as meatshields (Central Hospital) during a riot.

Most had no qualms supporting a child beating eugenicist and implied marital rapist, even with his one of his victims exposed him and citing it as his main reason for turning to villainy.

Held an illegal questioning* with said abuser while ignoring his main victim (Rei, who is probably the most reliable source of information there)

(*which effectively is like conducting an investigation on yourself and declaring you are not guilty)

And so much more! (But this post is getting too long)

My point is by the time everything was said and done, it seemed everyone but Japan was paying for it.

It's outright stated that the US president risked national security by sending every hero they had to help Japan. (Impeachment worthy if you ask me)

Endeavor's little plan to kill himself and Dabi in a blaze of death ended up disrupting the weather. Very likely it'll end up resembling an El Niño phenomenon, only vastly off schedule and even more destructive than normal.

For Reference [https://oceanservice.noaa.gov/facts/ninonina.html]

Very likely it'll lead to an agricultural drought in the northern America's and mass flooding in southern America's, likely starting at the west coast and bleeding inland. Leading to a domino effect where cost of living surges due to the sudden displacement of people and the rapid loss of products.

Worse still, because the US had no heroes (likely for months on end), crime has likely surged in the America's, which will further impact the rest of the world.

The rebuilding efforts likely emptied the wallets of most participating countries, leaving them unable to help anyone, including themselves.

Also keep in mind that Japan incriminated themselves with the Business Course footage. I don't think the general public (outside of Japan) is going to take too kindly to a known murder and abuse apologist being in charge of a system already known for it's corruption.

The end result is likely be a world that detests Japan, either from a moral perspective (Rei's treatment + the treatment of those society abandoned), a financial perspective (we can't afford shit and you contributed to that) or historical perspective (you do this everytime and ignore the consequences).

A world divided by struggle and united by an immense loathing for the Commission's Japan and the culture surrounding it.

Oh, don't forget there's no finding left for quirk research. Meaning that it's very likely no one will be prepared for quirk singularity to start manifesting in the upcoming generations (Thanks Nedzu).

_______________________________________

Update: Can I just say that Aizawa's lack of ownership infuriates me even though this is likely a fantasy and not grounded in reality.

Like what the fuck do you mean "with the way he talks, it was pointless" Fantasy Aizawa.

Because "Hey Asshole", You deliberately ignored his attitude and offenses!. And what? Now your just gonna shrug it off like it wasn't your fault. To hell with that you had two years, most teacher are said to only get one. As you so graciously mentioned at the start of this shit show of an epilouge.

Heres the moment I'm referring to btw:

While we're at it. Are you telling me it was too hard to get Momo some proper attire all three fucking years she was at UA for.

Not to mention Toru is still naked, how the fuck hasn't she died yet, she is literally exposed to the elements (and lord help her of she gets a cut)

Kirishima's costume is still his biggest liability considering it exposes his chest and back (also seeing as even when hardened he can't repell bullets)

Does Denki still fry himself with his quirk?

Before we move on Aizawa. How's that daughter you neglected, her horn still broken?.

Speaking of which let's look at the rescue team:

What the hell is this!?

Let's see, we got a guy who can only do damage (and his sweat detonates on contact, destroying whatever it touches.)

A brainwasher who only got into the hero course via nepotism and who can only brainwash people who directly respond to him!. A person trapped underneath rubble either frantic or groaning in pain isn't going to be able to respond or even just give consent.

(On a side note what are the laws regarding mind control quirks, does some sort of waiver have to be signed, can a person sue for being controlled against their consent?)

Oh, but wait there's more.

Midoriya running headlong with experimental tech that has, very likely never seen the light of day. Let alone preform in an actual high stakes situation before.

You're trying to carry someone and oops! Something malfunctioned or was miscalculated, now there's an even bigger mess (hooray!)

Who could forget Mezo "they'll come for your kids" Soji. Who climbed the ladder and pulled it all the way up.

Yeah forget that Heteromorph's were getting hate crimed long before the war, ignore the fact that you yourself were maimed by an angry mob after doing one of the most heroic things a person can do. Dismiss Spinner's comment about being sprayed with Pesticide for walking in public.

Nah screw it, let's all sing Kumbaya while the Creation Rejection Clan runs wild outside the reach of the cities, then ignore that the discrimination still is prevalent in the countryside and it's only a matter of time before somone gets fed up and takes matters into their own hands. (talons, claws, you get the picture)

But your a hero now Soji, you got your's. So fuck the rest of 'em

And don't even get me started on Hawks. Congratulations you ignorant bastard, way to kill time and by that I mean for everyone but the heroes.

"Yeah life is great!, everyone hates us, we're rapidly falling into debt from all that rebuilding 8 years back."

"Speaking of which some of those buildings are staring to fall apart due to being rushed to meet deadlines set within the month they were started."

"Social darwinism is on the rise and people are becoming more complacent that ever before due to heroes applying bandaid solutions on decade long, deeply ingrained problems."

"All so the average person doesn't have to think about what's festering beneath society's floorboards, so thank you Safety Commission. Here's your star of positivity ⭐️." - Some random anti-hero civilian

So much for greatest heroes, huh.

_______________________________________

UPDATE 2:

A dark thought I just had, is that the main reason Izuku killed Tomura was because Tomura broke the rule of "Forgiving Your Abusers makes you Good".

When Tomura refused to relinquish his hatred, when he stood his ground, that is when Midoriya decided he had to die. If not to "stop" him, then to preserve Midoriya's perception of the world .

Shigaraki + The LOV by their very ideals went against everything Midoriya has had beat into him by Bakugo and Aldera over the years.

Makes me wonder how'd he react to a person refusing to forgive their abuser. If he interacted with Natsuo or Rei, I could see that delving into a complete mess.

Now that I think about it, The Midoriya we know now, he would have never tried to hold onto Eri back when they first met.

Ironically, he became what he named himself after, a Deku. A puppet attached to thorns of liquid gold, glistening and burning hot.

A slave to his own biases and belief system, now trapped in a stage of his minds own making.

First bound by his past, then by legacy and finally, now by his own hand.

木偶.

[wolfjackle-creates]

Hi!! I haven't been on Tumblr for a while but I used to read a fic you made out of a prompt (?) Someone else made about Danny who freaked out when he realized the Waynes are the Bats and accidentally shot Bruce(?) And if I'm not mistaken you made a part 2 of it (idr remember if it was a wip or finished) but do you have a masterlist so I can re-read it :D? So sorry if I sound weird (´⌒｀;)

It is absolutely never weird to ask an author about their works!!!! Thanks so much for sending this in.

It's been ages since I've worked on this one, but it's definitely on my short list to get back to. Especially since I'm pretty close to having it finished?

Here's chapter 1 on AO3. And the Subscription Post.

Chapter 2 is limited to Tumblr right now, only two parts currently. Part 1 can be found here.

Currently it's called Want to Hold on and Feel I Belong. However, when I do start updating on AO3 again, I plan to change the name. (I'm just waiting so people who have subscribed are more likely to remember what they're getting an email about.) Mostly I refer to it as my Bad Reveal AU. Though I get that's not a great working name as that's usually reserved for the Fenton parents reacting badly rather than Danny reacting badly.

Also, as a thanks for reminding me that it's been a while since I've posted anything about this fic (or, well, in general), have the next bit!

Here's a random 1.5k.

Previous

-----

Having a potential lead so close meant the hours until J’onn’s arrival were spent in prep mode.

Every uniform had to be checked for the slightest damage and upgrades done where possible. Supplies and go-bags were organized so they could leave the moment they had a lead. Fuel levels in every vehicle were checked and topped off where necessary.

And finally, the zeta tube activated and J’onn stepped out. “Good day to all of you. I heard my assistance was needed?”

Bruce went to greet him. “J’onn. Danny’s room is upstairs. Did Clark explain the situation?”

“Yes. He said that your newest ward has density shifting powers and left things behind in his walls and floor before running away a few days ago.”

Bruce nodded sharply. “Follow me. Clark will show you where the items are hidden so you can retrieve them.”

Dick happily zipped up what felt like the hundredth bag he’d had to pack and joined them. “Hey, J’onn. Welcome. How have you been?”

“Greetings, Dick. It has been a long time since our last meeting. I have been well. I want to wish you luck in finding your brother swiftly and easily.”

Dick nodded his thanks. “Same. We’re really hoping he left behind something to help because we haven’t had much luck so far.” Dick pulled out his phone and notified the family of J’onn’s arrival and requested they meet in Danny’s room.

On the way, Bruce and Dick filled J’onn in on the situation. At the implication of government experimentation, he face went hard and he vowed he would help them however he could.

Clark, Jason, and Alfred were already there when the group arrived and the rest weren’t far behind. With everyone present, the room felt crowded.

“Where should I start?” J’onn asked Clark.

“Behind the NASA poster. I think that’s where he keeps the weapons. One of them is an object that looks like it might be the same as, or at least similar to, the weapon that shot Bruce.”

Under Clark’s direction, J’onn removed not just two more energy guns, but also a glowing-green net, a boomerang, a tube of lipstick, what looked like a weird, high-tech thermos, and a wooden baseball bat with a sticker that said “Fenton” on it.

Dick couldn’t help but whistle at the pile. “Damn, he was packing all this?”

“Apparently,” said Damian. But Dick could tell his youngest brother was impressed and mentally reassessing his beliefs of Danny. “Perhaps he is not as helpless as I previously believed.”

“Why’s he got lipstick?” asked Steph as she picked up the tube.

“Don’t!” ordered Bruce even as she opened it and released a laser beam that left a small scorch mark on the ceiling.

She stared in shock before laughing. “Oh, damn! When he comes back, I’m so asking if he could get me one of these. That’s so cool!”

“Can I see that?” asked Barbara.

“Wait until we’re in the cave,” said Bruce with a sigh. Both women grinned at him.

Dick reached down and grabbed the net. Despite the color, it seemed normal enough, maybe a little smoother than most rope he’d handled. He pulled out a pocket knife and was able to slice through one of the ropes easily enough. Jason came over to look at it with him.

“Anything weird about it?” he asked as he reached out to touch it. “Huh, that’s odd.”

“What’s odd about it? Seems pretty normal to me.”

“It just… It feels weird. It almost hurts to touch.” When Dick looked at him sharply, Jason quickly added, “It doesn’t hurt, but it feels like it should. If that makes sense.”

“Feels normal to me.” Dick showed him the break he’d made.

Jason shrugged. “Dunno, then. I just get a weird feeling from it.”

Damian picked up the energy gun, Tim the thermos, and Duke the boomerang when Alfred cleared his throat.

“Before we get distracted, might I remind you that there is more to find? We can bring everything down to the cave to examine them with no more damage to Master Danny’s room.”

Everyone sheepishly put down the things they were holding. Dick bit back a laugh when he noticed Clark push the baseball bat away from himself with his foot.

“So, J’onn,” Clark said. “I think the next area of interest is behind this poster.” He gestured at a poster of the horsehead nebula. Dick had helped Danny find it and hang it up and the kid had talked about nebulae for over an hour as they did. The memory caused his eyes to burn.

From this stash, J’onn pulled some notebooks and two external hard drives, which Barbara took. Dick and Bruce both grabbed a notebook. Dick opened his to the first page.

Journaling is such a stupid idea. I don’t have any time for it but Jazz says I need to get my feelings out. Pointless. So what if I can’t sleep and Skulker attacked me again today during English getting me another detention. Its not my fault! Shit, haven’t done that essay for Lancer. If I miss any more assignments he’s gonna fail me for real.

Everyone knew Danny had been failing before he’d been brought to them, but he’d refused to discuss why. Once he was in school in Gotham, he’d gotten straight A’s. Even if he did ask for the occasional help in English from Jason.

But this raised so many questions. Who was Skulker and why were they attacking Dick’s little brother during English class. He flipped through the pages. Interspersed between journal entries were drawings of schematics. Dick thought he recognized some of the designs as the weapons they’d uncovered.

His eyes caught on an entry that started with a string of curses.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My parents saw Dani today. In ghost form. They actually managed to hit her. Only her second visit and I couldn’t keep her safe. Some big brother dad cousin whatever I am. I did get her to the Far Frozen. Frostbite fixed her up. Taught me what to do if it happens again, too. And gave me the medicines and supplies to do it. I’m so glad I have friends in the Zone now. It makes it so much easier. I can’t get the image of Dani’s blood staining my hands out of my mind. Going to Tuck’s tonight. I can’t be around my parents right now.

Stomach dropping, he flipped a few more pages until he found one with a photo. It was a grinning Danny with white hair and wearing a jumpsuit standing on a curved balcony. Behind him, spire buildings rose into the air, many rounded in a way not often found on Earth.

Clockwork took me to Mars today! Holy shit it is so cool. Just, everything. We went back to when they were thriving and I had to stop an invasion. But that’s not important. Everyone here can go intangible despite being alive. Some of their buildings don’t even have doors because they’d be pointless! And the plants and animals are all so different, too. Clockwork helped me find some books on Martian history and biology and evolution. He’s also gonna show me where the Martians exist in the Zone so I can learn their language. Maybe one day I can go to Krypton or Tamaran as well?

Dick stared back at the picture. It did have that distinctive feel of wrong that extraterrestrial landscapes always had. He swallowed. “Uh, J’onn?”

“Yes, Dick?”

“Um, Danny. This is his journal. He said he went to Mars. Before… Just, before. He’s got a picture. Is this real?” He handed the photo to J’onn who hesitated a moment before taking it.

J’onn froze as he stared at the simple image. “I… Yes. This is my home. How…?”

Dick shrugged and wished he had an answer for the last of the Martians. “Someone called Clockwork brought him there apparently. To stop some sort of invasion? He didn’t discuss that much. He was too interested in the planet and people to talk about what he did. He was hoping to visit Krypton and Tamaran, too. Also said something about Martians existing somewhere he called the Zone. He wanted to meet them to learn the language.”

The look on J’onn’s face at the mention of other Martians existing somewhere was heartbreaking. Maybe Dick shouldn’t have said anything? When Danny came home, would he maybe want to talk to J’onn about Mars?

With clear reluctance, J’onn handed the picture back. “This is your brother in the photo?”

“Yeah. I mean, Danny usually has black hair and blue eyes, but that’s him. Do you recognize him?”

J’onn nodded. “Of course. He is the Omen. His coming foretells death and destruction which he will then try to avert. I know what invasion he is speaking of, it is, was, taught in our history books. He saved all of Mars that day. We thought him a god.”

Dick’s mouth fell open. His little brother? A god?

-----

Did you enjoy your little surprise update tonight? Let me know what you think!

[linkspooky]

Hello👋

Do you have an opinion or analysis of Johan from Yu-Gi-Oh GX?

I love his Character💕

My opinion on Johan is I love him lots. The only reason I didn't include him on my previous season 3 posts is that there's so much to talk about with Johan he basically requires his own post. Johan is just as important to Judai's development in season 3 as Yubel, both alchemically and thematically.

So let's embark on another long, long post for Johan and his role in the story.

The Golden Shadow

Before we deep dive into alchemy let's talk about Jung. Jung's theories of analytical psychology is heavily based on Alchemy so this is relevant, I promise. Freud and his contemporary Jung both pioneered the field of psychology together, however Jung went deeper and believed that re-occuring character archetypes and motifs in stories told us something about the human subconscious itself.

For Carl Cung, "the rediscovery of the principles of alchemy came to be an important part of my work as a pioneer of psychology". Jung linked the steps of alchemy several a process of turning lead into gold as a metaphor for individuation.

Individuation is essentially becoming one's self. Jung believed for a person to be whole, they had to integrate all the parts of their personality. His model divided personality into the the persona (the face / exteral world) shadow (the internal / the subcosnscious where everything's hidden), and the anima and animus made of feminine and masculine traits.

In a show like Yu-Gi-Oh GX, individuation is the process of growing up. Jung used alchemy as a metaphor for a developing person's ego maturing, each stage representing a different aspect of his divided conscious. Nigredo is where we become aware of our shadows, Albedo refers to the anima and animus, citrinatis is where sophia the wise old man or women appears, and rubedo is where the self becomes whole.

Johan however, represents two concepts I've left out. Sometimes alchemy is not four stages, but rather five.

The fifth stage is the Peacock's tail, which appears when a person receives a flash of inspiration. Unlike other stages of alchemy associated with color, Peacock's Tail is referred to as the prismatic stage, associated with the colors of the rainbow. The connection to Johan who's signature card is the Rainbow Dragon is obvious.

More on the prismatic phase in the second half of this power however. For now all you need to know that like the star card in Tarot, Johan is a dazzling light of inspiration that helps kickstart Judai's development. The way he does this is by giving Judai someone to aspire to be like.

If the process of aclhemy is to create gold and become your best self then Johan is the golden shadow, to Judai. His role in the story is to help guide Judai into being his best self.

While the shadow is made up of parts of ourselves we hide from others, sometimes these are positive qualities. For example, a character with low self-esteem like Sho Marufuji constantly put himself down and therefore he's never able to see his good qualities because all he ever focuses on is how he's lackluster in comparison to his brother.

If Yubel represents the worst of Judai's flaws that he must learn to accept so he can learn to love himself in spite of those flaws, Johan represents the best in Judai. While Judai has many flaws that are glossed over in the first two parts of the show, I'd also argue he doesn't experience any positive growth. He's entirely stagnant as a character, which is why I say the opening to season 3 and the immediate introduction of Johan is what kickstarts his development.

The banner image I used for this post is where Judai and Johan are doing the Yu-Jo pose, a card in the TCG that is a reference to the friendship between Yugi and Joey in the original series.

However, I would argue that their roles are flipped. In spite of being the main character Judai is Joey, and Johan is Yugi. It's Yugi who makes Judai develop into both a better friend and duelist as a result of their friendship, to the point where Judai almost became too codependent on him and had to learn to separate himself from Yugi and develop on his own in Battle City arc.

(Hint hint, Judai and Johan will follow almost this exact same arc).

Yugi is the light which guides Joey into betterig himself, and Johan is the light that guides Judai.

Judai and Johan from their first meeting, get the vague sense they've already met before. Since this is Yu-Gi-Oh the immediate assumptio would be they had some kind of relationship in a past life, but plot twist it's Yubel.

However, I think this red herring is still important because despite the constant comparisons Johan is more similar to Yubel, then they are to Judai.

Edo refers to them both as Duel-Bakas, Shou gets jealous that Judai and Johan spend constant time together after meeting, in everyone else's even probably Judai's they're the same but if you look at their actions as audience members they're quite different. The comparison between them shows the many ways in which Judai is lacking.

Johan is basically Judai, but better. Judai is put on a pedestal by all his friends and seen as a classic hot-blooded shonen protagonist. Johan however, is the one who has all the classic traits of a real shonen protagonist, including having a dream to aspire to, and also fighting to protect his friends.

These are the two most important traits established from basically the first episode with Johan.

Strong bonds

A reason to fight

Johan's personality is more complicated than that, but these two traits are the most important because they're things Judai is lacking in.

Judai is someone is defined by his friendless background, and had no friends until his first year of Duel Academy. Which is why it makes perfect sense that while Judai is in love with the idea of having friends, he doesn't quite understand what a healthy friendship looks like. Judai is also someone who lacks a reason for dueling and only cites he does it for fun and his own personal satisfaction.

Arguably Judai is forced into duels with greater stakes in seasons 1 and 2, but the key word there is forced. Judai is always pushed into those situations, either because his friends aren't strong enough to duel, or his friends actively expect them to fight their battles in their personal lives for him (cough, cough, Sho). In other words he duels for two reasons, either personal satisfaction, or carrying the burdens of others because that's the way he keeps his friends around him.

Judai is ruthlessly criticized for both of these in season 3, the stakes of dueling become too high and Judai just crumbles under the pressure of having to duel for everyone else. As a result his friendships which were never that stable to begin with fall apart.

Johan on the other hand has a goal on his own, and while he might be a tad overprotective of Judai he's also able to coordinate with the rest of the group. In fact when the whole school is teleported to the other dimmension, it's Johan who steps up to lead, while if you notice Judai's actions he splits off from the group repeatedly. Johan's actions are also the reason they are able to return home, because Judai was unable to do anything substantial to defeat Yubel.

One of Johan's first interactions with Judai is him pointing out how callous Judai can be towards his friend, something which others would usually brush aside.

Sho: Bro… I thought you would have something to say to me. Johan: He seems lost. I think he just wanted you to give him some advice. Judai: Sho will be fine.

More importantly Joha can notice these flaws about Judai and immediately point them out and confront them about him, while still remaining friends with him on the whole.

Johan is Judai's model for a positive friendship. In comparison the friendships he has with other people crumble because of inability for both sides to communicate.

When Judai and his friends travel together to another dimmesion, Judai is selfish in constantly disregarding others feelings and running ahead, and at points even lying to them and going against plans they all made together. However, Judai's friends are unable to confront him about these issues and instead mostly talk and complain among themselves behind his back. Judai might not have listened in his state of mind, but they don't even make the attempt.

In fact the friends who do try to confront Judai about his behavior are August and Jim, characters Judai has known just about as long as Johan in comparison to friends he's had for two years who don't feel comfortable having a basic confrontation with him.

Judai's friendships suffer from the fact that none of them are truly equal. Sho for example is the first person Judai meets on the island and the one who he's known the longest, but one of their first interactions is Judai expressig discomfort for the fact Sho calls him his older brother because he wants duelist to be equals and Sho just ignoring him and continuing to call him that.

Once again I believe there is problems on both ends, Judai is very selfish and has a tendency to be ignorant of other people's feelings. On the other hand, Judai's friends eventually get in the habit of expecting him to solve their problems because they've built up the idea of him in their minds as the group hero.

As I said the friendship crumbles from both ends in season 3, part of it is Judai being selfish and acting like he's the only person that matters, part of it is his friends ruthlessly criticizing him because he's failing to live up to the image they've constructed for themselves.

Judai's friendships are fundamentally unequal but Judai himself isn't aware of this because he has no idea what a healthy friendship looks like - until he meets Johan.

Johan is a character not introduced to us in season 3, and yet it's very understandable to the audience that Judai would become so obsessed with saving someone he's known for about a month, to the point where he risks the lives of friends he's known for two years. Because that month has given Judai his first taste of what true friendship is like, rather than the idea of friendship he's been chasing.

Johan is Judai's better half in a lot of ways. One example we're introduced to immediately upon his introduction is Johan's role as someone able to see duel spirits, and his strong relationship with his cards. Just as an example, all of Johan's cards regularly talk to him and Johan even refers to them as the closest thing he has to family.

Judai until that point had a spirit partner that doesn't talk, and his heroes and neo-spacians are more like allies. For Judai the Neo-Spacians are allies in his fight against the Light of Destructio, for Johan the Crystal Beasts are his family.

Johan is also far more experienced as someone who can see duel spirits, while Judai is actively repressing the memory of the fact he could see spirits much earlier in life, and of Yubel.

Before the characters even travel to another dimmension, Johans duel against the spirit hunter Giesse demonstrates how Judai is lacking in these two traits, strong bonds, and a reason to fight. It also demonstrates the difference between how Judai and Johan regard their spirit partners, and why Johan's relationship with his cards is better.

Shortly before the duel even begins Judai is pushed to the brink by his previous duel against the teacher. A duel that not only exhausted him, but also deeply disturbed him because the teacher called into question his lack of reason for dueling and Judai had no real response. When Judai questions himself he does something we don't often see him do, he goes to someone else for advice. J

udai basically never lets himself appear insecure or lost around friends who aren't named Johan. Judai even apologizes to Johan for asking something out of the blue, he's so unused to relying on others for emotional support of any kind.

Judai: Johan what have you been dueling for? See, it's about fun for me... Well, for the surprise and happiness too. I guess I do do it for the fun. Sorry, I guess I put you on the spot by asking out of nowhere. Johan: What's this about Judai? Judai: It's nothing. Johan: I suppose there is one goal I have. Johan: Even if someone doesn't have the power to see spirits, they can still form a bond with a spirit. That's why I do it for people like him.

Johan wants to be a bridge between humans and spirits. Not only is Johan a character defined by the strong bonds of friendship he forms, but his life's goal is also built around improving the bond between spirits ad humans.

Immediately afterwards, Judai gets up and struggles to duel against their next foe. However, this time Johan steps up to duel in Judai's place, which is also a drastic change from Judai's other friends. Unless they had a strong personal bond like Fubuki and Sho with Ryo, Judai has stepped up to handle all the major duels since Season 2. Judai even experiences anxiety over letting Johan go and duel in his place.

Johan is introduced to Giess the hunter, a spirit hunter who actively found a way to kill spirits. A character like that seems like Johan's obvious narrative foil. Giess even invites the comparison between the two of them, saying that Johan is obsession with getting his hands on Rainbow Dragon is similar to how he hunts spirits.

However, Giess works much better as a negative foil, or shadow of Judai. Which is why it makes sense Johan is the one who duels him, because he represents the best in Judai while Giess represents the worst.

Now the question is how could Giess possibly be compared to Judai? Yes, as I demonstrated above Judai is much more inexperienced with seeing spirits than Johan is but he's never actively malicious towards them the way Giess is.

Except, you know when he slaughters hundreds of duel spirits after turning into Haou the Supreme King.

Giesse has a final monologue upon his defeat, to explain why he does what he does and his cruelty towards spirits. Giesse who has probably been able to see spirits as long as Johan once formed a strong bond with a duel spirit, but he was separated from that spirit. The pain made him close his heart off to forming bonds with any other spirits.

After losing his duel spirit partner he came to conclude it was impossible for humans and duel spirits to get along, because the spirits are too pure hearted to understand humans.

Giesse foreshadows Judai's downfall and his actions as the supreme king. Giesse's start of darkness was being forcibly separated from his spirit partner. The entire conflict from Season 3 happens because Judai made the choice to send his childhood friend / spirit partner Yubel into space.

Ironically, despite Yubel beig corrupted by a force called the Light of Destruction, and having a very twisted, sadomasochistic view of love I think Giesse's words here describe why Judai and Yubel can't understand each other.

Yubel is in a way too pure hearted.

We're never given a reason why Yubel became so overprotective of Judai in childhood before they ever became corrupted by the Light of Destruction but we know one thing for sure.

Yubel has no understanding what they did was wrong. They saw themselves as doing their job of protecting Judai which they sacrificed their body for in the past life. They neither understand why Judai was upset by their actions, or why Judai was upset when people started avoiding him because for Yubel being alone with Judai was enough for them.

It makes sense that Yubel wouldn't understand that Judai wants to have friendships with other children his own age. After all Yubel is a spirit that can only be seen by Judai. For Yubel, there is only Judai, they can't communicate with others, they can't form other friendships. Which is extra tragic if you remember that Yubel wasn't born a duel spirit but a personhood, and gave up their very personhood for Judai.

Yubel is very pure-hearted in a way that's almost insidious, they are so straightforward about their love for Judai, and they exist solely for Judai's sake that they can't understand why Judai has room for other people in his life, because there's no one else for Yubel.

The conflict in season 3 comes from Judai's decision to abandon Yubel. Judai can't come to an understanding with Yubel because Yubel is too pure, being a duel spirit that only exists for Judai's sake.

Judai also follows a similiar path to Giesse, when he loses Johan along with the rest of his friends Judai makes the decision to give up on the notion of love in order to gain power instead.

This is quickly followed by him killing duel spirits en masse, probably more than Giesse managed to kill in order to sacrifice them to forge a powerful card. When Johan is battling with Giesse he's literally battling a reflection of the worst part of Judai. Which sets up Johan's role in the series to guide him to his best self.

In summary Johan's relationships with his spirits are strong and healthy, Judai's relationships with Yubel is weak and unhealthy. In fact, Judai is helping achieve his dream of being the bridge between humans and spirits by essentially teaching Judai what strong bonds looks like.

Johan is also symbolically Judai's complementary half in a lot of ways. Each of the new transfer students plays a deck that embodies one elemental step of the stage of alchemy, August is fire / Nigredo, Amon is Water / Albedo, and James Crocodile Crook is Earth / Citrinitas. Johan is the only exception to this rule, because he plays the crystal beasts which are modeled after the seven colors of the rainbow.

Johan is light which puts him into the contrast with Judai who's both set up as the chosen one of the "gentle darkess" to fight the light of destruction, while at the same time someone corrupted by that very darkness into becoming Haou.

Which sets up Johan to contrast to be a pair with Judai. My friend Kaula or @nini-the-mirror pointed out to me we're shown two types of darkness, the destructive darkness embodied by nightshroud and the gentle darkness. While the light of destruction is set up as a destructive force in the universe, there's also Johan's light based crytal beasts, and rainbow dragon which cleanses away darkness. Fusing Rainbow Dragon with Neos purged Yubel from Johan's body, and when Judai was trapped in darkness illusion in Domino City and believed Johan to be Mr. T, it's Johan and the Crystal Beasts who purify him once again.

Johan's desire to be a bridge between spirits and humans, his northern heritage, and Rainbow Dragon all call to mind the Bifrost, a rainbow bridge which connected heaven ad earth.

The bifrost was a connection between the mortal world, and the realm of the gods, or the physical and the spiritual. Just as Johan is a mortal who can talk to spirits. Yu-Gi-Oh GX is also an anime heavily based off of alchemy concepts, and one of the central ones that's even said by Professor Daitokuji himself is: That which is above is like to that which is below, and that which is below is like to that which is above.

It's a phrase written on the Emerald Tablet, often shortened to "As above, so below." It means the mortal world effects the world of the cosmos, and the world of the cosmos effects the mortal world because everything is connected.

By wanting to stregthen the bonds between humans to spirits Johan is basically embodying this phrase. Judai's goal as the alchemist is to be the one to make changes in the mortal world that affect the cosmos. For example, his battles on earth against Saiou has a direct effect on stopping the Light of Destruction, but honestly again Johan serves his role a lot better than Judai.

Johan is in fact a character written around the concepts of bonds itself, the bonds of humans, the bonds between friends. Judai cares about these things too, he wants to be a good friend, but he has lots of flaws that stunts his growth and holds him back. His inability to integrate his shadow also presents him from being his best self (the golden shadow).

To quote my friend Psyche:

"The shadow is basically the storehouse of everything you don’t like about yourself. The things that others are but you could never allow yourself to be. But it’s also the storehouse of the alchemical gold."

Not only is Johan the best parts of Judai by being his golden shadow, he's also essentially Judai's goal. Judai wants to be like Johan.

If Johan gives Judai these things he's lacking, a healthy friendship, and a reason for fighting, then problem solved right? All Judai needs to do is marry Johan.

If you can't tell I was being sarcastic.

The Prismatic Phase

Alchemy is a process of refinement, of breaking down and forging into something stronger. However, when the metal starts out it's full of impurities that need to be hammered out. Alchemy is often used as a metaphor for both character growth and developing relationships in stories, after all if a character starts out perfect there's no story.

I said above multiple times Johan exists to demonstrate to Judai what a healthy friendship is to Judai. However, the attachment that Judai forms with Johan is anything but. Albeit for different reasons than the rest of his friends.

Johan is indeed someone who is set up as Judai's equal, and also strives to be his support rather than constantly relying on him for battles. Johan doesn't just exist to be a good friend to Judai however, he also demonstrates leadership skills Judai doesn't have when faced with a school full of hungry students teleported to another dimensions.

The problem is on Judai's end. Judai definitely needed a friend like Johan, because he's never experienced a friendship between equals before. However Judai as inexperienced as friendship as he is takes this openly supportive friend and starts using him as a crutch.

There's one scene in particular that demonstrates this problem. In the leadup to the cobra duel, Judai confided in Johan twice that he doesn't have any real reason for dueling and he's insecure about that fact. Cobra then criticizes Judai heavily once again for his irresponsible attitude.

Seeing Judai about to crack under the pressure, Johan takes the moment to encourage Judai by reminding him that he has in fact been carrying everyone's responsibilities on his shoulders all along.

Johan: "Why are you so scared Judai? You think there's nothing riding on you? Quit messing around. You've always had everyone's hopes on you. Anyone who's being counted on'll have people putting all their hopes on him. Isn't that what you're always burdened with. What will happen to us all if you lose?"

Well-meaning advice from Johan, but wrong for Judai for two reasons. The first is that Judai's reasons for fighting are something he has to think through for himself. That's how character development happens. Judai can't solve this inner conflict by having Johan just show up and drop the answer in his lap. He still hasn't thought about what he wants to be, he's just accepted Johan's words at face value.

The second is that Judai taking on other people's burdens is precisely the problem. Johan is such a self-reliant person he can give his support to other people without tiring himself out, but Judai can't. Johan wants to protect his friends. Judai duels for his friends because he's absolutely terrified of losing his friends, that's the difference.

Judai's not mature enough to handle other people's burdens and eventually the pressure gets to him and he completely cracks. Judai's just not mature enough to have a healthy relationship with Johan in general.

A relationship where being separated causes one person to have a complete emotional breakdown is not a healthy relationship.

In fact Judai completely ignoring all of his friends after a separating from Judai, and wanting to get him back ad being willing to sacrifice anything for that goal is a parallel to Yubel. Yubel is also someone who was separated from their best friend who they emotionally depended on, and stopped caring about anything but said friend, and was willing to sacrifice everything to reunite with them.

You could liken the disappearance of Johan, and the subsequent rising of Judai as the Supreme King as propelling him through the black phase of alchemy Nigredo, where the soul is brought to its lowest point and the worst flaws are revealed.

In the second sense, "the nigredo of the process of individuation on the other hand is a subjectively experienced process brought about by the subject's painful, growing awareness of his shadow aspects. It could be described as a moment of maximum despair, that is a prerequisite to personal development Here is "the darkest time, the time of despair, disillusionment, envious attacks...Nigredo, the blackening" [Source]

Johan's friendship is important to Judai, but his union with Johan doesn't actually fix any of Judai's problems and aggravates them in some ways. Judai doesn't even start improving as a character until after they seperate.

Johan isn't the rubedo the end result of alchemy, he's the pristmatic phase, the shining light of inspiration.

One metaphor I like to use for the Prismatic phase is the Star in the fool's journey. GX references Tarot and the fool's journey too, and like alchemy it's also a metaphor for personal growth. The fool (Judai) a person brimming with infinite potential, yet one who is also supremely ignorant, walking forward blind has to wise up to the wys of the world.

In the Fool's Journey the Star is a period of brief respite after the disaster of the tower. A beacon of hope and inspiration appears before him.

The Fool is suffused with a serene calm. The beautiful images on the Star (17) attest to this tranquility.Radiant stars shine in a cloudless sky serving as a beacon of hope and inspiration. The Fool is blessed with a trust that completely replaces the negative energies of the Devil. His faith in himself and the future is restored.

Doesn't this just describe Judai and Johan's first meeting to a T? Johan is supposed to be Judai's guiding light in the story ater all. However, the Star is immediately proceeded by the moon the card of illusions and self doubt.

Just like Judai becomes too reliant on Johan to provide him all the answers, the light of the star makes the fool vulnerable to the illusions of the moon.

What effect could spoil this perfect calm? Is there another challenge for the Fool? In fact, it is his bliss that makes him vulnerable to the illusions of the Moon (18). The Fool's joy is a feeling state. His positive emotions are not yet subject to mental clarity. In his dreamy condition, the Fool is susceptible to fantasy, distortion and a false picture of the truth.

Season 4 even invokes star and moon symbolism in regards to Judai and Johan in a negative light. Fujiwara looking into Johan's heart says that Johan's weakness is Judai himself.

He describes Johan's friendship and fixation on Judai as a moon eclipsing the sun. That's not two opposites balancing each other out that's one obscuring the other.

The season 3 version of their relationship is unhealthy and therefore needs to be broken apart and reformed. That's the process of alchemy, even if Yubel didn't kidnap Johan they probably would have broken apart some other way because Judai was too dependent on Johan.

It's also a violent process that includes Judai needing to duel Johan in a way where they are both inflicting pain on each other in order to purify Johan of Yubel's control. Yubel and Fujiwara both comment that underneath it all Johan desires a violent conflict with Judai. Which is probably something that would be explored more if Season 4 was longer. My interpretation however is that Johan being who he is, is kind of forced into the role of caretaker when Judai is involved as Judai is often in need of taking care of. That probably produces darker feelings for a change in their relationship.

The opposite of unions is a violent process that requires dissolving your previous self. The dictionary of Alchemical Imagery defines it as-

one of the central images of the opus alchymicum and a crucial operation in the creation of the philosopher’s stone.  The alchemists were ultimately concerned with the union of substances, the reconciliation of opposites. Through the ‘marriage’ of opposites the goal of the opus, the production of gold and its metaphysical equivalent was obtained. (p. 35)

Judai doesn't marry Johan, but they do have their friendship broken apart and reforged again and it's representative of the prismatic stage.

The Peacock's tail which Johan represents is also like the Star in tarot, a stage where a guiding light suddenly appears. One of the Spector Solis plates , Plate 16 - which depictins a Peacock in a flask is a good representation of this stage.

It is a plate of what else but unity.

The unity that began in plate fifteen is fully realized with the encapsulated animal’s transformation into a single-headed being. The peacock tail is a physical stage in alchemy, a brilliant flash of green which comes to signify that the alchemist is one the right path. It can also be recognized in spiritual/psychological alchemy as a flash of visions that come to the adept as they move through the phases of transformation.

The peacock doesn't just appear to guide the young alchemist through the phases of alchemy however, he also guides them spiritually.

 Plate sixteen embodies that process, the turning point where the adept reaches a new level of consciousness with a flash of the peacock’s tail. Consider the words spirit (i.e., the wine), spiritual, and inspiration. To inspire can mean to breath; it can also mean to transmit fervor. Spirit can be meditative, or evocative.

Who better to provide spiritual guidance to Judai then the person who's goal in life is to become the bridge between humans and spirits.

As the star's dazzling moment of inspiration is just temporary, the plate also emphasizes that the peacock's tail itself isn't the ed of the journey. One of the most significant symbols on the painting is the appearance of three people drinking wine and eating grapes. Three people = three stages of alchemy. As for the rest.

The key to the process of plate sixteen lies in the bottom left-hand corner, with the three people seated at a table, drinking wine and eating grapes. The process of this plate is fermentation. Grapes must be crushed and destroyed to create sweet intoxicating wine. The grapes are perfect as they are, but by destroying them we can make something higher, something that can alter consciousness.

Judai has a nice, comfortable, supportive friedship with Johan but he's the one receiving most of the support. By destroying that relationship, he's able to make a healthier one. Ironically it's the separation from Johan that teaches Judai how to exist apart from him.

In that sense Judai's character development revolves around two figures in season 3, two important relationships, Judai needs toto reunite with Yubel, and he needs to separate from Johan after quickly becoming too codependent.

The three of them together even form an alchemical trio. Often works featuring alchemy symbolism will divide characters into three different roles, the soul (anima), the spirit (spiritus) and the body (corpus). Symbolic of three parts of one whole person. The main characters of a work are often symbolically marked as one of the three.

The classic symbolism of alchemy is the circle, the triangle representing soul spirit and body, the square that repreents the four elements, the small circle, and the man and woman which form the rebis.

The triangle is what we're talking about here, in terms of marking characters to Soul, Spirit and Body. Though, another variation is Mind, Heart, and Body.

Most commonly, authors mark their male protagonist, the Male Principle of the Work, as heart and their female protagonist, the Female Principle of the Work, as mind.  If they have a companion, he or it will be marked as Body.  If you look back at the Mundus Elementaris that I just posted you’ll see that Sun corresponds to Cor (heart) and Moon to Cerebrum (brain).   The characteristics of a “heart” character are pretty much what you’d expect: courage, self-sacrifice, occasional rashness and impulsivity.  The characteristics of a “mind” character are if anything even more obvious.  “Mind” characters are knowledgeable, book-smart, and sometimes overly cautious.  What about the Body character?  There isn’t one in every alchemy story, but when this does appear, the markers are predictable.  Body characters are focused on their bodily needs–they are hungry, thirsty, and, in adult stories, lusty.  And they are often fearful.  [SOURCE]

In this case in a slight difference from the norm, I'd argue that Judai is the heart, Yubel is the mind, and rather than body Johan represents spirit.

The three of them essentially make up the trio of Judai's two most important relationships. Judai is a part of other groups, because GX has a ensemble cast. In seasons 1 and 2 he mainly hangs out in a trio of Sho, Hayato and him, and in season 2 it's Sho, Kenzan and him. Season 4 kinds of marks Judai, Asuka, Sho and Manjoume as the most important students of the graduating class.

However, the characters that influence Judai the most are Yubel and Johan. Johan is the spiritual ispiration, while Yubel is first a challenge for Judai to wise up and grow up, and eventually settles down into a role of advisor like Astral or Yami Yugi.

The main character trio of Season 3 onward are essentially Judai, Johan and Yubel, and each are critical to each other's growth. All three also participate in the final duel against season 3's villain. Judai and Johan tag team darkness possessed Fujiwara, and Judai and Yubel fight nightshroud.

However, as I mentioned above the way these relationships develop Judai are opposites, one of them needs to unite, the other needs to split.

A lot of people draw parallels to Yubel and Ai, the ally turned final villain of Vrains. Ai is also motivated by love and a desire to protect Yusaku the main character and object of their affections. However, the greatest point of comparison is that the option of fusing themselves together, an obvious call back to super polymerization is brought up by Ai in order to be flatly turned down by Yusaku.

And you won't be you.

The parallel to Judai and Johan is not as obvious here, but think about it Judai is his absolute worst self when he's willing to sacrifice anything just for the chance of having Johan back

Okay but just look at how different the two are. Both Johan and Judai, when put in very similar situations (having to save someone), tell us what they’re willing to risk for that goal. They’re both very clear about that. Johan is willing to risk himself. Judai is willing to risk everything else. [Source]

Judai become so destructive in his path to get Johan back, including slaughterig duel spirits en masse, somethig the self appointed protect of duel spirits Johan would absolutely hate that you have to wonder if his desire to have Johan back is even about Johan.

Judai doesn't have much respect for Johan's agency as an individual. It's normal for Judai to be sad, or even to have survivor's guilt when he thinks Johan is dead because he sacrificed his life to save him.

However, Johan didn't sacrifice his life to save just Judai but everyone else. Johan also made the choice to sacrifice himself so Judai would be safe. Judai's response to that choice is to immediately throw not only himself but his friends into repeated danger in order to rescue Johan, and then when all hope is lost start hurting spirits.

Judai doesn't respect fact that Johan wouldn't be happy with Judai hurtig himself or others, especially spirits, because rescuing Johan was never about Johan, but Judai's own feelings of grief.

Juudai is a deeply flawed protagonist. He’s more selfish than any other protagonist this franchise has ever known. The way he goes after both after Johan in season three and O’Brien shows that he actually doesn’t care all that much for them as people. To him, they represent a concept: Victory, or at the very least atonement for his past actions. A convenient way to right what he did wrong.  That is not to say that he doesn’t like them as people - he does. But when the chips are down, what he ultimately wanted was a chance to redeem himself by saving them. [Source]

Yubel and Judai are opposites who need to be united and learn to live with each other. The crux of Judai and Johan's problem is that really they're so similiar that everyone, including Judai sort of sees them as the same perso. However, as stated above just underneath the surface they have a lot of differences that could lead them to an unhealthy relationship. Judai just like Ai needs to learn that Johan is a separate person from him.

Which is why Judai's greatest two character development moments with Johan come not from the moment where he fuses rainbow dragon with Neos for the first time to cleanse Judai's body from Yubel.

It's actually immediately afterwards, when Johan hands Judai his deck to face Yubel. While Judai also makes the decision to face Yubel alone.

The arc theoretically could have ended right there. Judai's objective was to save Johan, and Johan was saved. Except the real conflict of the arc was that Judai needed to learn to take responsibility for himself, instead of leaning on a convenient crutch like Johan.

In Yu-Gi-Oh a duelists deck is often referred to as their soul, so Johan is entrusting Judai with a lot. That simple action really shows Judai that Johan can support him even from a distance and the two don't need to be attached at the hip.

In the tag duel against Fujiwara, Johan makes a similiar decision of sacrificing himself in order to protect Judai. However, to show how much he's changed since season 3, this time Judai does't completely lose his mind over Johan's sacrifice and respects Johan's feelings instead. Johan doesn't want Judai to fall apart, he wants Judai to carry his feelings with him and finish the duel for both of them and that's what he does. Judai has learned now to accept support without completely turning Johan into a crutch.

Citriniatis is also the third stage of alchemy. Each Season of the four seasos Yu-Gi-Oh Gx represents one of the four stages of alchemy.

The third stage is often referred to as the stage where the light which appears in albedo starts to shine.

Seperation from Johan essentially kicked off Judai's blackening stage, waking up his shadow in the form of the supreme king and bringing light to his flaws. This passage in particular describes it as a "rising sun" and "bringing light to consciousness."

 In  most cases Jung himself expressed the work as having three stages. Still, citrinitas seems to fit better into a flow of growth and development, as well as mystical progress as the third stage. In the second stage, albedo, a light appears in the nigredo darkness, the light of an awakened soul which is symbolised as a moon (the feminine) shining in the darkness. The third stage, citrinitas, brings forth the light of the sun (the masculine), a light which magically transforms the shadowy and fearful subconscious into valuable consciousness. From the dark night of rubedo, to the pale morning light of albedo, the sun rises in citrinitas to the culmination of day in rubedo. [Source]

Johan is simulatenously a light which shines on Judai's worst flaws just by being his better self and showing how selfish Judai is in comparison, while at the same time he's also the light that guides Judai on the path of healing.

After all Judai's final action in Season 3 isn't to kill Yubel like the Supreme King, or like a hero would, but rather to reconcile with Yubel. That's a path Johan would have taken considering Johan's whole goal is to help lost spirits like Yubel repair their relationships with humans.

Judai's journey of atonement even takes a similiar path to Johan, and mirrors Johan's dream of becoming the bridge between humans ad spirits. Unlike the duel between Cobra and Judai though, I don't think in this case it's Judai relying on Johan to give him the answers in life.

This is because the two of them have entirely different reasons for wanting to help spirits. Johan wants to help spirits because the strong connections he feels with spirits, and the crystal beasts in particular give him the only sense of family he's ever known. It's also because of an encounter with a little boy who lost his Jerry Beans Man where he came to understand that even people who can't see card spirits still feel a strog bond with them.

Judai however has an entirely different motivation, his journey to help duels spirits is a journey of atonement. It's also one he's taking together with Yubel because they both have a lot to make up for and a lot of healing to do.

Judai also didn't start out Season 4 wantig to become the bridge between humans and spirits. In fact he spent most of season 4 sitting alone in his dorm being depressed and aimless. It's his confrontation with Fujiwara, and his act of helping Honest reunite with his spirit partner Fujiwara that gave Judai the idea that he could help heal other spirits too.

Following the motto of dissolve et coagula, dissolve and coagulate all the troubles and tribulations and even the separation of Season 3 was necessary for the much healthier bond between them in Season 4.

Judai doesn't even say goodbye to Johan at the end of the season, and he leaves without telling Johan where he's going, but essentially they are still walking the same path of uniting spirits and humans and it's a path Judai would have never found without Johan's help.

[historical-fashion-polls]

Jumping off of that other anon, do you happen to have any recommendations for historical masculine wear? I've also had issues with low quality items on etsy and I've noticed resources for masculine clothing are just harder to come by in historical fashion spaces lol. I'm looking for breeches in particular but tbh anywhere that makes masc historical clothing will be nice to know about

hi dear anon! 💕

thanks so much for reaching out! ☺️☺️ (the previous post with some recommendations for historical-inspired clothing to which anon is referring is right here 💖)

this one will be a little harder for me to give recommendations, as I tend toward wearing skirts and dresses, and thus don't have as many resources that I personally can vouch for in terms of things like breeches. however, I have once again made a little list! ☺️💕

let me once again recommend I Do Declare, my absolute beloved! while the majority of their clothing is dresses/skirts, they have made shorts, tunics/shirts, and waistcoats in the past. plus I think they're currently working on breeches and perhaps another waistcoat design? totally worth giving them a follow on instagram if you think you might be interested in their clothing, since that's where they post a lot of updates and previews. as I mentioned previously, they tend to do limited releases and pre-orders, so if you might want to get something from them, I would suggest either following them on social media or signing up for their newsletter 💕

this next one is less strictly historical and more just kind of fun and eclectic, but Envygreen Manor could be a place to check out! I don't think I've seen them do breeches, but their "Poet" shirt is historically-inspired, and they've also done some really fun vests in the past that might be of interest. again, not as much strictly historical, but I feel like some of their pieces could definitely still work with historically-inspired ensembles 💖

another place you could potentially explore is Lively Ghosts, which tends toward gothic/victorian inspiration. from some quick looking, it seems like they've done some shorts as well as a pair of trousers and some pants. again, these aren't strictly historical, but I believe they do take at least some design inspiration from historical sources. they also have nice shirts/blouses, and a lot of their outerwear is really cool too 💕

sorry I can't be of more help here! 😔😔 I've never really shopped for breeches, so I'm not sure what other kinds of resources might be out there. but if anyone else has suggestions, please drop them in the comments! ☺️💕

thank you again for reaching out, and I hope this was at least a little bit helpful! ☺️☺️

again, I want to emphasize that none of these links are paid promotions and I am in no way affiliated with the companies I've listed here, I just like their clothing and thought they could potentially fit the kinds of things you're looking for ☺️💕

[faioula16]

Sebastian Michaelis fluff/yandere Alphabet

Warnings: This post includes sexual content and violence but other than that pretty much fluffy fluff.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

✿ Sebastian is extremely affectionate and loving when it comes to his mate, especially if you're human or a Neko.

✿ He highly believes lavishing you in affection and tender care is the key to winning your trust and that you will also be more willing to accept your fate of lhim as your demon butler/lover and eternal companion, not to mention he LOVES to take care of and please you kitten~.

✿⁠ From the moment you, his beloved darling kitten, open your eyes until it's finally your bedtime, you can be sure you'll receive tons of hugs, kisses, caresses, praises, delicious treats, compliments, loving massages, and so much more! In other words, Sebastian pampers you to no end.

✿⁠ Sebastian also loves to perform acts of service, like acting as your loyal butler to take care of you properly and in utter perfection. Maybe he got attached to his role as a butler from his previous contract with Ciel.

✿ Breakfast in bed, bubble baths, delicious feasts, dancing and cooking lessons, lots of cuddles and sensual make-out sessions while you sit on his lap, bedtime stories and lullabies, romantic dates deep into the woods and even in the city (If you behave and be a good kitten of course).

✿ In his mind, he thinks of you as the mistress/master he will always happily serve, protect, and care for with all his black demonic heart. He doesn't see you as food, however. To him, you're so much more; you are his mate, the one he wants to spend eternity with, whether you like it or not.

✿ Mark my words, he...SPOILS...you rotten! Anything that you desire, anything at all, but he'll never let you go, sorry, kitten.

✿ "I never thought a demon such as myself could feel pathetic human emotions like love. *sights deeply* Yet here I am in the human world, doing my best to keep you safe, happy, and satisfied. Are you sure you're not a devil yourself, my mistress/master~?" He whispers to your ear in a teasing manner as his slender, ungloved hands caress up and down your curves.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

💀 All in all, no matter how much effort Sebastian might put to keep his sadistic/murderous demonic nature under control, he cannot help himself when it comes to 'the enemies' (As Sebastian fancies to refer to them).

💀 They may be daily intruders or someone who made the grave mistake of flirting with you or even acting too friendly. He considers such people not worthy enough to breathe in Your Majesty's presence. (Yes, Sebastian sees you as royalty and treats you just like one) 

💀 Not even two days may pass when those persons are missing. Sebastian, of course, is clueless to your concerns and just wants to continue your usual activities as if nothing happened. 

💀 He has his very own professional torture chamber in a grand basement beneath the house he built up just for you both. He keeps the victims down there for as long as possible (even for months), gifting them the slow and exclusively painful death they deserve. 

✿💀 Sometimes, when he feels extra sadistic, seeks some entertainment, or if the specific person just happens to piss him off by Keep flirting with you despite the warning death glares Sebastian has given to them, your demon will lock up the helpless victim all tied up and mouth gagged into the closet of your shared big bedroom right before your king sized bed.

✿💀 The poor person is forced to watch as Sebastian pleases your body in many ways and positions, hear your pleasure screams and whines and Sebastian's loud yet joyful moans. To see yours and Sebastian's cheeks turning bright reddish as your demon thrusts into you and whispers praises to your ear with your back against his bare chest so you're facing the closet and his victim unknowingly to you.

✿⁠ "Should I slow down or go faster? Tell me, kitten, who can please and love you like I do, hmm~? Yes, say my name, say my name louder…I want to hear you come for me! Oh, yes, my love~"

✿ And like usual, after every sex session, Sebastian will carry you to the bathroom to clean off the sweat and cum of your delicate skin and put you in fresh night clothes.

✿ He then tucks you in bed under the fresh new covers and gives your forehead a goodnight kiss as you drift off and finally fall asleep in bliss and all exhausted.

💀 Once Sebastian makes sure you're comfortable and deeply asleep, he plugs your ears before he walks over to the closet and grabs the poor person on his shoulder like a potato shack while he leaves the room quietly.

💀Sebastian walks down to the basement and ties his victim with chains against the wall. He then walks to the small bathroom to change his butler uniform to his 'work' outfit.

💀 "Don't worry, human, no one will hear your screams of agony and despair. However, you should have chosen your actions more carefully and taken my warnings seriously; now, you will pay the price for the sins you have committed. Tell me, mortal, are you ready for your painful trip down to hell? You lowlife scum!"

💀The nearly dying person is stared at by Sebastian in satisfaction after he's nearly done with them, his tall figure is covered in the blood of his victim as he takes the cigarette from his lips gracefully and sets it off against the poor person's skin. 

💀 “Oh please, stop those ugly screams and do try to die quietly. I don’t want you to disturb my precious kitten’s slumber”

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

✿ The only cruelty Sebastian would ever show towards you is to isolate you from any friends or family of yours. That highly depends on how you’d respond to his love confessing to you. 

✿ If you will return his feelings and love him back, just as much as he adores you (Not very possible, I am afraid) then Sebastian will happily allow you to see and interact with those close to you. A pretty normal and happy life, with him always by your side of course. 

✿ Compared to the second choice you may take, which is to decline him. That would leave Sebastian with no other choice than to kidnap you and take you far away from society where you’d have to be with him for the rest of your life, and your next one...and for those who’d follow for eternity.

✿ He can and will create a paradise\Eden for you both to live in. Where you will have everything you can imagine, but it will be just you and him with no one else to destroy your happiness or take you away from your love-sick demon butler. After all, he's one hell of a butler and lover.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

✿ Like I already mentioned earlier, besides the abduction and insolation from other people close to you, there is nothing Sebastian wouldn't provide you with.

✿ Good heavens, he even allows you to have a certain amount of freedom. After all, he did build your house in the middle of a huge forest so you could wander more freely and also be unable to escape him.

✿ He would leave the doors unlocked so you could walk outside and start to run off to your 'freedom'.

✿ Honestly, he's so grateful to you, because, with all this time you're giving him with your illusions of escaping, he has all the time he needs to clean up the house, tend to the garden and the livestock, and finally prepare your bath and dinner.

✿ As the sun goes down and you're still running through the slender trunks of tall trees, you're suddenly scooped up in your butler's arms.

✿⁠ "Enough for today, my love. We must head back home, It's time for dinner"

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

✿ You're his everything. God forbid if someone would succeed in killing you, Sebastian would lose it for real. But we all know very well that he wouldn't allow such a thing to ever happen.

✿💀 You’re his soul, you’re his heart, you...are...his...world. So just imagine if a grim Reaper would threaten your life, what would happen then? Well, let’s say things would get pretty... ugly. 

✿⁠💀 Sebastian would expose his true form without even noticing and would go ballistic. No one in this world shall dare lay a finger upon you because they would be destroyed by everything that he is to protect you. 

✿ The deadliest, most powerful force in this world is his love for you.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

✿⁠ In Sebastian's eyes, your attempts to fight back against his natural demon instincts to lavish his mate in affection is pretty laughable...and also quite adorable to be honest.

✿ See, how would your reaction be to the sight of something like this?

✿ Any sarcasm, insult, or harsh comment of yours would be immediately responded to by a loving gesture from your demon. Such as a glance full of adoration and a pitty-full smile, followed by a sweet kiss on the lips to cut you off your swearing and bitter tone speech.

✿ The more you keep using that inappropriate language the more kisses your sweet little mouth is going to receive.

✿⁠ Now if your actions go so far as to slap Sebastian across his handsome face, that would annoy the demon a bit but also it would turn the demon on.

✿⁠ When it comes to this situation he follows two different tactics:

1) Manipulation/honest mode: He would sigh out in satisfaction and turn his glace back to you by slowly raising his gaze with a hard blush across his cheeks. "Harder~ If that's your way to respond my love for you...then I will gladly accept it. I will embrace every part of you and continue to love you unconditionally to the very end"

2) Seducing/Pampering mode: As you'd yell at him and try to hit him again, Sebastian would grab you gently by the wrist bring your hand close to his lips, and give your knuckles and palm a few loving kisses. You'd try to pull away but his grip would tight a little and he'd pull your body against his with a secured arm around your waist. "Now kitten, such behavior is simply unexplainable, even though...I do love it when you are that bratty~" He'd chuckle to himself and rub his nose against yours. Finally, he'd make sure to sit you comfortably on his lap for a passionate make-out session.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

✿ The first time you attempted to escape Sebastian felt utterly confused and dare I say...hurt, his narcissistic ego mostly.

✿⁠ He thought he was the defection of the perfect lover and butler and he still believes so, but why on earth would you ever want to leave him? After everything he has done for you...

✿⁠ Sebastian would try to talk with you at first, to learn the reason behind your actions and help him understand if he did something wrong.

✿ If you tell him that you don't love him, that you want to leave and never see him again. Sebastian would simply chuckle and try to comfort you with kisses and caresses. But if you will refuse his affection he'd respectfully back away and give you a calm apology, then he would bow and exit the bedroom to give you some alone time to think of your previous actions. Not before he would softly confront you though.

✿⁠ "You should be ashamed of yourself my dearest. Honestly, I never expected you to be such an ungrateful and selfish little mistress/master"

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

✿⁠ Hell? Good heavens no, after all, he was the one who helped you escape from hell itself and bounded himself with you as his mate. Sebastian was more than delighted when the hell king accepted his offer to grant him freedom and allow him and you to go up to the human world, while the demon butler would have to sacrifice a certain amount of souls to the king every year in exchange for their agreement.

✿⁠ Sebastian would work very hard for you to experience the complete opposite, to create a heaven for you, to give you the world.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

✿ Sebastian's only desire is for you to love him back share plenty of life experiences and travel all over the world before you settle down to a peaceful area where you will be safe and happy with him.

✿ Lots and lots of cats or kittens living with you in your dream house/mansion.

✿⁠ He wouldn't mind having a baby with you but if you're not fond of kids and don't want to have any he would be secretly relieved because the only one he desires to live with, is YOU and your many feline companions.

✿⁠ Sebastian will make sure to make your dreams come true, and he will be more than happy to be married to you. Only if you wish so of course, he already has bound himself to you by placing the silver seal on your neck, official marriage is not necessary yet always welcome on his part.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

✿⁠💀 Our demon is grateful for the fact he's free to choose between the souls he has to sacrifice to his king, this way he has the opportunity to lash out his jealousy at those who are trying to take you away from him or just flirting with you by becoming the very victims, torture them and send their souls to the dark lord.

✿💀 His main pleasure in life is you, there is no doubt. But he also quite enjoys smoking his 'favorite' cigarettes/cigars after every torture session to every one of his victims. From the best quality and the really strong kind that can bring a mortal person high within seconds and most possibly overdose them and kill them within a few hours. This kind is the only one that can satisfy such a demon like Sebastian. The only times your butler smokes is after he's done with his victim or after every sex session with you.

✿⁠ just imagine him laying over your king-size bed with you in one arm with your head resting against his chest already asleep from the exhaustion and the amount of pleasure he gave you just a few moments ago, while his other hand holds his cigarette (the light ones) between his slender fingers, the windows wide open of course. He lets the smoke escape from his lips and signs dreamily before he hugs you even closer, gives you a forehead kiss, and giggles to himself for what a lucky demon he is.

✿⁠💀 Sebastian would never lash out his jealousy or rage at you, his precious kitten. That's what his victims are good for after all.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

✿⁠ His mode is always bright and joyful when he's around you, without losing his well-behaved manners or butler aesthetic of course.

✿⁠ He clearly shows more interest and puts much more effort into serving and caring for you compared to your friends or family who visit you and him at your house from time to time.

✿⁠ Sebastian thrives on attention, especially yours. But that doesn't mean he won't try to impress your loved ones and make them see him as the perfect man for you. The only one who can make you truly happy.

✿⁠ He can and will make your parents like him a lot so they won't have any problem with him being your butler and lover,

✿ Doesn't mind PDA at all, I already mentioned he loves to be the center of attention but he especially loves it when people see how loving and affectionate he can be to you.

✿⁠ He will kiss you, embrace you, praise you, compliment you, flirt with you, serve you, and be the perfect gentleman he is to you regardless of who is watching.

✿⁠ The more flustered you will get the more he will tease you. He simply adores when you blush and try to hide your face with your hands.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

✿⁠ In this specific scenario neither of you had a choice for that matter but to feel a natural connection for each other. Thanks to Sebastian's demonic sense from the moment he laid eyes on you he instantly knew you were meant to be his and of course he didn't lose the only chance he had to claim you as his by placing the 'mate' seal on your skin and bounding himself with you for eternity as I have already mentioned it previously.

✿⁠ Whatever sins you might commit when you were alive they brought you down to hell and you were supposed to be tortured and suffer until the end of the world. Fortunately for you, before the executioner was even able to lay a finger upon you hell's king right-hand man and head butler interrupted him by pointing out that by the king's orders, he's the one who was supposed to punish you for your sins and that his fellow demon was needed elsewhere.

✿⁠ Once you both were left alone in the torture chamber the butler approached your laying figure over the stone bed with slow steps.

✿ "Well well, what do we have here? I never thought such a beautiful kitten like yourself would end up down here" He chuckled to himself as he sat gracefully on top of you with his legs placed against the sides of your waist in a firm yet gentle manner so you couldn't struggle much against his weight.

✿⁠ "Such nice and soft skin you have. It would be a shame if someone would cause the slightest damage to you~" His slender hands caressed up and down your sides smoothly.

✿⁠ "Who...are you?" Sebastian chose to ignore your question as he continued exploring your gorgeous body.

✿⁠ Sebastian laughed at such an adorable reaction and started to leave tender kisses on your, face, lips, and neck.

✿⁠ "Ahh, you are my mate Indeed~" The butler commented joyfully. "Not to worry dear, it will hurt only for a tiny moment. You may scream as loud as you can though, for it will make it more convincing that I am giving you the punishment you deserve" It was utterly painful yet quick and so the sheal was planted on your neck as it appeared magically across Sebastian's chest as well.

✿⁠ "Now all that's left is to convince the king to allow us to return to the human world" Signs deeply to himself as his thumb whips off your sweet tears. "Hopefully it won't be such a hard task otherwise what kind of butler/lover would I be?"

✿⁠ That was the first time you heard his famous motto, which changed from its original form a bit. He'd use it countless times in the future.

✿⁠ Next thing you know is you waking up on a very soft and comfortable bed, something you have never experienced before while hearing the soft sound of birds and your new butler/lover humming a soft melody as he places your lunch meal on the small table right next to the king size bed you are. "Ah lovely, my darling mistress/master is finally awake, and just in time, your lunch is ready. From now on I will change your life for the better, you don't have to worry about a thing...your Sebastian is here~"

✿⁠ In a second scenario where he meets you in the human world under normal circumstances his demonic senses recognize you as his mate instantly too and so he uses his charm and perfect gentlemanly behavior to approach you.

✿⁠ When you go out you almost always 'happen' to meet up with him. He's always willing to help you in any way possible and makes it clear that he's interested in you by flirting and serving you at any given chance. He points out that he is desperate for a job as a butler and housekeeper for these are the only things he is good for and you happen to be so kind and generous to hire him.

✿⁠ Sebastian is so happy that you accepted his offer as he wraps his arms around your waist and spins you around for a brief moment before he puts you down and clears his throat. "Apologies my lady, such inappropriate behaviour is simply unacceptable and it's my first day, please forgive me" He takes down on his one knee and with your hand to his gloved palm. He kisses your hand without breaking eye contact with you, which allows him to see the blush on your cheeks and that is precisely what convinced him, he would succeed in slowly but surely making you fall in love with him and accept him as your mate. All he needs is time and as a demon he has plenty.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

✿⁠ Not necessarily, Sebastian's true intentions are masked only when it comes to everyone else but you.

✿⁠ He thinks of every other human being pretty seemingly as how we think of bugs. He believes the only thing the human breed is worthy of is the next possible bodies that will host your precious soul through the centuries that are to come so you will remain alive forever.

✿⁠ The demon may tolerate any friends of yours or family member visits but he does so for your sake and only.

✿⁠ The truth is that Sebastian wants you to be only with him and no one else.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

✿ Sebastian would never lay a finger upon you, he finds that method unnecessary and pointless.

✿⁠ When it comes to your punishments, he uses pleasure to remind you of three things. Who you belong to, who has claimed you as his, and that no one else could ever satisfy your every need like he does.

✿⁠ Your demon pleases you all night to bring you to the point of absolute exhaustion.

✿⁠ Orgasm after orgasm, no matter how much you may plead for him to stop, he won't. Non-stop sensual lovemaking and so many different positions. He's pretty fond of Oral, especially when he gives it to you.

✿⁠ "It's pleasure time my darling~" And that phrase means it's punishment time. Sebastian simply loves bondage! Tying up your hands right above your head with his tie and also covering your eyes with a lingerie piece of fabric to excite your fantasy. He simply adores the sound of your moans as he kisses lower and lower on your body.

✿⁠ The more you protest, that you can no longer cum, the more sweet nothings Sebastian whispers to your ears and continues to gently fuck you with no mercy. But he's kind enough to give you a few breaks from time to time during your sex session. He is not that heartless after all, not to you at least.

✿⁠ Pleasure time also means him eating you out to no end. Oh, how he loves it when you shout his name in pure ecstasy while he drinks the sweet nectar that comes out from your pussy/dick once you cum hard right into his mouth.

✿⁠ Your punishment comes to an end after the thirteenth orgasm. Sebastian then lets you rest as much as you want.

✿⁠ With a satisfied smirk he gives your forehead a sweet kiss and your unconscious body the necessary aftercare like cleaning you up, dressing you in a fresh pair of pajamas, massage your hips with a special lotion so you won't feel pain between your legs when you wake up.

✿⁠ Then he will tend to the house and get all the chores done, prepare your meal, and finally return to your bedroom so he can cuddle you close for hours.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

(I already mentioned that sorry)

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

✿⁠ Extremely patient, especially the first months of your abduction if you chose to refuse his love confession that is.

✿⁠ Sebastian thinks your bratty behavior is very amusing and dare I say cute, don't misunderstand him though, if you keep behaving like a child he's going to treat you like one.

✿⁠ Besides affection, Sebastian knows patience is the key to breaking your walls and letting him love you.

✿⁠ If you happen to throw a tantrum he's going to act pretty calm and cradle you in his arms, soothing you with white noises or singing you a soft melody. Whisper sweet nothings and give your forehead or cheeks tender smooches until you calm down, then you and him are going to talk and he promises if you play nice from now on he's gonna get you on dates to the city and even let you see your friends more often.

✿⁠ In other words, if you are good to him, and learn to respect and appreciate him, he will return the effort 1000%.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

✿⁠ Let's make something clear here, you will NEVER be able to escape him. You're marked by him, he has claimed you as his remember?

✿⁠ Even death cannot take you away from Sebastian for he has the ability and right (since your soul belongs to him) to transport you to a new body. Until he finds the ideal one however he keeps your precious soul in a very special old magic box he borrowed.

Do not ask how or where he obtained such an item, you don't wanna know, believe me.

💀 If somehow miraculously you'd successfully escape to another world/dimension where Sebastian cannot find you or if someone would kill you all the rights your demon has on you are lost, for the simple fact he's no longer your demon.

✿⁠ This would be the final shot of Sebastian's meaning of existence. After all, in his mind you, his mate is the reason he lives for, he only exists to serve and care for and adore you.

💀 If the only thing that's truly precious to him would be vanished, killed by someone, or taken away for good that would make Sebastian simply lose it.

💀 The demon finally in his true form standing over the cliff of the highest mountain, howling and scratching himself in pure grief, agony, and despair.

✿⁠ Perhaps losing you could be the only way this demon would be able to set actual tears and for the first time in his long existence CRY for real.

✿⁠ Sebastian's cry could be better described as a mixture of echoed, weeping screams, and brawls from the top of his lungs.

💀 His narcissistic personality and big ego would lead him to destroy most of humanity and everything in his path and finally kill himself with a death syte to put an end to his misery.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

✿⁠ This demon has never regretted anything he has done so far. Your abduction is the last choice he will take in case you reject his love for you.

✿⁠ Sebastian would make sure to try any possible method to win your heart and trust before he is left with the last choice of your kidnapping. He didn't want to come to this point but darling you left him with no other choice.

✿⁠ Perhaps he would let you go for a certain period, six months or so for you to believe that he loves you which is true (but not in the most healthy way). Then he will try to court you once again slowly but surely and create a new healthy bond and life by your side without being forced to take you away from society again since you would accept him as your butler/ lover this time.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

✿⁠ His demonic instincts mostly but later on your pure and innocent yet interesting personality, your flaming passion for life and your very well-hidden dark side were more than enough to catch his attention and his attachment to you grew the more you got to know each other.

✿⁠ If you share the same feelings with him and accept him once he confesses his love to you his yandere side will never be revealed to you or to any close person of yours.

✿⁠ A happy life with him always protecting you and remaining by your side is a guarantee. And for those who would follow in the future of course.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

✿⁠ Any sweet tears of yours will be whipped gently by his thumb or licked off your delicate skin with his hot skillful tongue.

✿⁠ If you scream for him to let you go or call him names and such he can always shut that little mouth of yours with a loving make-out session. You're not going to be able to scream if your mouth is so busy receiving his sweet kisses. Honestly, he could kiss you or let your tongues dance together all day so try to resist him all you want kitten. He won't stop kissing you until you calm down and won't deny him anymore.

✿⁠ Now if you try to escape by using violence like punching, slapping him, or even scratching his back. OOH~ please do the last one, it turns him on. Scratch his back to the point he will bleed, which will make Sebastian's cheeks turn reddish, and plead for you to continue, he'll keep kissing, licking, and sucking down your neck and chest as he moans softly and giggles in the process. He may even cum to his pants and blame you for it but also as he finally takes them off, he promises to make you cum for him as well. But to his mouth by eating you down there as a punishment for making him embarrass himself like this in your presence as your butler.

"Don't you plead for me to stop my love~" He kisses your neck. "After all, you are the one who started all this" Kissing down between your chest. "Now now, it's time to return the favor and make you moan in ecstasy my beloved little brat~ Oh, you will enjoy yourself as I punish you, I mean please you of course"

✿⁠ As cute as it might seem your insolation at first, eventually will start to annoy him because he can't spend quality time with you if you keep behaving like this.

✿⁠ Of course, he would never lose control, not in front of you at least. Sebastian will take out that rage on 'the enemies' as I mentioned previously.

✿⁠ Sebastian will talk with you and think of ways to make your life more enjoyable. In the end, he will successfully coax you out of your shared bedroom and reward you with every little process you will make by spending quality time with you out in the forest or going for a walk or shopping therapy in the city, even give you some alone time every day for you to have some privacy and do any hobbies of your choice.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

✿ Our demon butler is described as a gentle and loving yandere type that will harm and kill only to protect his darling.

✿⁠ Unlike most yanderes however, Sebastian knows exactly what he's doing and will do his absolute best to succeed his ultimate goal which is to have you willingly by his side for the rest of eternity.

✿⁠ He's a lovesick demon but he's yours darling until the end of the world.

✿ "The adoration a demon like me can feel for a mere human...It's awfully laughable you know" Kisses your forehead tenderly. His slender hands caress up and down your naked back. "I have not the slightest idea what love actually is. But you, you make me feel so alive, how can you explain that hm?" He gives your lips more sweet kisses. "Oh, I can sense you are a little tensed, how about if I give your back and waist a nice massage? It will help relax your body completely under my touch and give you a good night's sleep"

✿⁠ Once you accept his offer Sebastian is more than delighted, with a quick yet smooth move he turns your body so now he's facing your back and you the soft/fluffy matters. He sits on top of you, the side of his face against your cheek. You close your eyes as a big smile appears across your face when his hands begin to massage your skin. "Isn't it better now darling? Any bad thought of yours slowly fading away as you submit yourself to your butler's care~" He whispers to your ear and gives your cheek a sweet smooch.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

✿⁠ Oh darling, how could you possibly think you could ever escape him? Not possible I am sorry.

✿ And to think you can use any of his weaknesses against him looks like you look forward to a sweet punishment.

✿⁠ The only weaknesses Sebastian has are four, which are YOU, cats, salt, and a death syte. Unfortunately, neither of these could be used to win against such a powerful demon like himself, not by you at least.

✿ You may search among any demonology books you can find, of course, Sebastian will know and secretly laugh at your pathetic attempts to find anything to use against him. Darling those books you secretly tried to borrow write nothing but nonsense and won't help you even a bit.

✿⁠ Sebastian will even tease you to the point he will creep out behind your shoulder silently like the predator he is, waiting for you to notice someone is spying on you. Then he will bend beside your face and give your cheek a quick peck, making you yelp and almost throwing the book down to the floor.

✿⁠ He chuckles sarcastically and hands you the book with closed eyes and a smirk before he walks away to tend back to his chores leaving you wondering if he knows what you're trying to do behind his back.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

✿ Not even if his life depended on that. He would much prefer to suffer in agony and utter pain so you would never experience such things yourself.

✿⁠ Sebastian may be very sadistic, narcissistic, shellfish, and heartless but when it comes to you all these traits of his personality go aside as if they never existed in the first place. You are his number one priority and the second one is his hunger for a delicious soul.

✿⁠ How could he possibly hurt you kitten, the only true companion he has? Besides it will be a shame to cause any damage to such a beautiful body like yours, no matter what the shape, size, or anything like that. You are perfect in Sebastian's eyes and he wouldn't trade you for all the souls in the world.

✿⁠ "You...you're my bundle of joy, and cats of course but mostly you, my everything" Sebastian speaks softly while his forehead is pressed against yours. It doesn't take long for his lips to join yours.

✿⁠ Sebastian will never let you learn about his agreement with the Hell king and the souls he has the sacrifice every now and then to the demon lord, he will never allow you to discover the secret basement he uses to torture his victims, he will never allow you to see his true form. All these to keep your innocent precious you undamaged from any possible threat that could destroy your mental or physical health.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

✿⁠ He will do absolutely anything for you to return the feelings he has for you. (As much as that's possible)

✿⁠ Sebastian worships the ground you walk but he won't let you know that much at the beginning of your 'friendship' so you won't notice how desperately he wants you as his mate. He's a prideful demon after all and the last thing he wants is for you to feel any sort of pity towards him.

✿⁠ However, once you form a romantic relationship with him which is precisely what Sebastian wants, he will make sure you understand how much he adores you as a whole.

✿ Body, heart, and soul he will dedicate all these and everything that he is to you his true mistress/master.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

✿⁠ Oh believe me when I say he yearns to hold you in his arms from the very moment he realizes you're his mate but unfortunately for him, he has to hold back for as long as he has to, so he can approach and court you probably.

✿⁠ No matter how many men or women flirt with you Sebastian tolerates them for as long as they keep their hands to themselves.

💀 If any of these filthy bugs would touch you in any way no friend should they will be vanished from the earth within a few days. Not a single trail will be left behind in their absence.

✿⁠ If he couldn't do that much in order to protect his mate what kind of butler/lover would he be?

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

✿⁠ NEVER! That would destroy the very purpose of having a mate.

✿⁠ It is the demon lore to never hurt his darling in any way or for any other creature to do so. It is forbidden and that includes grim reapers as well.

💀 Causing harm to a demon's mate could bring world destruction even a hell apocalypse and nobody is insane enough to want such a thing to happen.

✿⁠ The mate is EVERYTHING to a demon, that is why it's such a rare opportunity for a demon to find one in the first place.

[senorabond]

Rumor Has It: Chapter 2 (Peña x f!reader x Pike)

Pairings: Javier Pena x f!reader; Marcus Pike x f!reader; future Pena x f!reader x Pike

Chapter 2 Summary: You’re reviewing the case file Javi gave you when a memory of your last night in D.C. distracts you. After a bit of a brainstorm, you decide it’s finally time to call Marcus back and get his opinion. He always has the right words.

Rating: 18+ (Minors DNI), Explicit sexual content, additional warnings may be added for future chapters

Chapter Warnings: masturbation (f!reader), flashback, thigh riding, oral sex (f receiving), semi-public/workplace sex (evidence locker after hours), hand on throat for control, Dom/sub dynamic, soft Dom!Marcus, praise kink, you are such a good girl

Reader/Character notes: Reader is fem/afab. Marcus is strong enough to lift Reader up onto the edge of a table (no mention of Reader’s body size, shape, composition, or skin color), Reader has hair long enough for Marcus to brush away from face, Marcus is super thoughtful and thorough when planning for sexy times

Words: ~4.5k

Author's Notes: A huge thank you again to @kilamonster for being my wonderful beta, talking me through my fear of posting dirty talk, and letting me bounce random porny ideas off her. <3

Again, there’s no specific time/setting, I just really wanted to get both Javi and Marcus together in the same story. In my mind, Javi is post-s3 of Narcos, and Marcus is somewhere around/after s7ep1 of The Mentalist.

I learned basically everything I know about the court system from true crime TV and podcasts, so the legalese here is purposefully vague. I have no idea what it would take to prosecute a federal case, lol. However, I did find some interesting information while researching art fraud/money laundering! I’m happy to share links to my sources if anybody is interested.

Masterlist || Previous Chapter

Chapter 2

Later that night, you sit cross-legged on your bed, the various photos and documents from Peña spread out around you. You can see why he was so adamant about Customs involvement – there was enough circumstantial evidence in front of you for some lower-level courts to convict. Peña doesn’t strike you as the type to take chances though, not at this point in his career. If he’s making an arrest, he wants a case airtight, no room for technicalities or sympathetic juries. He’ll have worked with enough federal prosecutors to know what he needs to put bastards away and keep them there.

You think back to your conversation with Peña for what must be the twelfth time since that afternoon. It’s still difficult to reconcile the reputation with the man. Javier Peña, the senior DEA agent, was by reputation a force of nature; women and men alike wanted him and wanted to be him. He is unapologetically brash, arrogant, and always gets his way. If he believes something is worth getting, he’ll do whatever it takes, even if he has to use less than savory channels. 

Javier Peña, the man, is intense, focused, driven, and has some of the saddest, most beautiful, big brown eyes you’d ever seen. He has a level of self-awareness you hadn’t expected. He struggles with asking for help, even if he can recognize his own limitations. 

With a sigh, you take the wire transcript in hand and lean back against the pillows propped up against the headboard. The conversation had thankfully already been translated from Spanish with the original attached for reference. You had basic Spanish under your belt from high school and learned some choice slang from friends and exes, but you didn’t know nearly enough to comprehend the entire conversation on paper in front of you. 

The men were discussing various works of art and their estimated values at auction and on the black market. One of the men, Castano, was insisting he could simply forge a copy of a famous painting since it was “just a bunch of splattered paint” that “didn’t look like anything anyway.” You chuckled to yourself. 

You used to think the same thing about the abstract expressionism paintings you’d seen until somebody actually took the time to explain the meaning behind the movement. Agent Marcus Pike knew a lot about art – it was his job, after all, as head of the FBI’s art crimes unit in D.C. You worked closely with Pike and his squad to close a major case before you put in for the transfer to Texas. The two of you had spent a lot of time together and grown close, developing a mutual professional respect before things had ever gotten personal. 

Your thoughts travel back to the last time Pike taught you something about art. It’s a bittersweet thought, since that was also your last night in D.C., and the last time you saw him. You’d come so close to saying more than you were ready to admit, and certainly more than you were ready to hear in return. 

With a sigh, you drop the transcript on the bed and fall back onto your pillows. That last night in D.C. was also the last time you experienced an orgasm you didn’t give yourself. More than one, actually. 

Your mind floods with images and sensations from that night and, rather unconsciously, your hands begin to retrace the parts of your body Marcus had touched. Fingertips ghost over the crook of your neck and across your collarbone to the collar of your worn t-shirt. Marcus’ t-shirt, actually. You’d stolen it unapologetically when he’d forgotten it at your place and told him it looked better on you anyway. Marcus had agreed, and then shown just how much better he liked it on you.

While your one hand is occupied at your breast, the other busies itself at the waistband of your panties. Eyes closed, you slide a finger over your dampening slit, remembering the path Marcus’ tongue traveled as your breath hitches. God, that man could use his mouth. And he loved to use it on you. You let the memory of that night wash over you…

Washington, D.C. 6 months ago

“There is one thing I need right now.” You feel a bit giddy at your recklessness, but any nerves you might have are quelled when Marcus runs the tip of his nose up your jawline to your ear. 

“And what’s that? Hm?” He inhales your scent and hums with pleasure. Before you can stop yourself, you shift the hand at Marcus’ hip to his crotch. When you feel how hard he already is you release a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding. 

Marcus inhales sharply through his nose at your touch, then lets out a groan in your ear at your gentle squeeze. “Tell me what you need.” His five o’clock shadow rasps against your sensitive skin as he sucks your earlobe into his mouth. 

“I need you to show me that evidence locker you haven’t shut up about since we met.” 

~~~

Pike stands behind you in the elevator in case you happen upon anybody else working late at the office. The odds are low, except for the contracted private security officers, but you didn’t think they’d want to see Pike’s hardon either. He’s so close, he’s almost pressed against your back while caressing a palm over your ass. You try to keep a straight face, but are practically panting through parted lips.

“You’ve been wanting this for a long time, haven’t you?” Marcus asks, his voice low in your ear as he leans over to push the button for the correct floor. His tone is almost conversational, but you can feel the thread of excitement pulling taut between your bodies. He’d been teasing you with the idea of fucking you in the art squad’s evidence locker for months now, going into great detail about what he was going to do to you – you only had to ask. 

You nod silently in response as the elevator doors close, and Pike grips your waist, grinding his erection into your lower back. “Yes,” your breath huffs out. He likes you to use your words, and strokes your arm with an approving hum. 

“Are you going to be a good girl for me?” Your nipples harden at his words and your breath comes out shakily. 

Marcus was the first person you’d ever been with to call you a good girl. You never thought you’d be into the kind of gentle dominance and steady stream of praise Marcus employed with you, but it made all the right synapses fire in your brain and took the experience to an entirely different level. 

You nod again, playing the game, knowing what he wants to hear.

Marcus’ hand splays across your lower belly, the other sweeping gently across your throat and brushing your hair away from your face. He’s pressing into you, the energy coming off him in waves, leaving you feeling heady. 

“Say it for me.” It’s spoken softly, coaxing, but still an unmistakable command. 

“I’ll be a good girl for you.” Your voice has the slightest waver, but ends strong.

Marcus’ hand on your belly inches lower and heat radiates between your thighs. “I know you will.”

The doors of the elevator open with a ding that makes you jump, and Marcus moves back with a reassuring squeeze on your shoulder. Gently, he guides you with a hand between your shoulder blades. You’re on one of the underground levels, where the low ceilings and fluorescent lights are stark reminders that you’re both still in a government building and cameras are watching your every move. 

A security guard rounds a corner and Marcus clears his throat, then moves to button his suit jacket, presumably to hide his erection. How he manages to walk with that thing when it’s hard, you’ll never know. 

The guard waves amiably. “Good evening, Agent Pike. What’re you still doing here so late?” Of course Pike knows the guard; probably knows his kids’ names too. 

“Just had something to finish off first.” Biting your tongue to keep from laughing, the two of you pass the guard. “Oh yeah, tell Rosie good luck at her big match this weekend.” You nearly snort. The men share a brief handshake and you and Marcus round the corner, the door to the evidence lockup just ahead.

The two of you share a heated look and Marcus smirks. He swipes his badge and the door unlocks with a small snick. You’re guided inside a dark room that could be the size of a storage closet for all you can see. Marcus flips one of the light switches, and sturdy floor-to-ceiling shelving units are illuminated on either side, hedging you in like a maze. So far, it looks like any other evidence room, except with mood lighting.

“I don’t know what I was expecting,” you mutter, and Marcus chuckles. As he leads you along the shelves towards some unknown destination, long shadows from the meager overhead light throw the long rows and corners into darkness.

He takes your hand and explains, “The lighting, temperature, and humidity are all controlled by a central system. Same kind as in the National Gallery.” You nod, genuinely impressed. 

“You don’t keep all your evidence here, right?” The room was large, but most of the shelving space was taken up by various sized crates and archival boxes. Marcus shakes his head.

“Just the very valuable pieces that need to be kept under special conditions. Any other evidence is kept in a regular lockup.” Marcus stops and you come up short, nearly colliding with his broad back. “Oh,” you breathe, peering around him and knowing this is what he wanted to show you.

The maze of shelving units opens up onto what looks like a miniature museum exhibit. Paintings are hung on the walls or staged on easels and covered with drop cloths. Sculptures are on pedestals in glass cases along one wall, and to your right are a few chairs next to an expansive table. 

Marcus approaches the paintings and proceeds to carefully remove the drop cloths from each work of art. They vary in style, color, expression, and movement. Some of them are encased in elaborate frames, while others are plain, or bare. Now this is what you’d hoped for after all these months hearing Marcus speak of this place in near reverent tones. This evidence lockup could rival most well-funded galleries and museums. 

“Are these all forgeries?” You take a step closer to the nearest painting and inspect it – for what, you’re not sure. “Stolen?” 

“A bit of both.” Marcus sidles up behind you. Your voices remain hushed, private, intimate.

Hands casually in his pockets, he takes you on a tour of the evidence on display, telling you a bit about each piece – what made the art valuable enough to forge or steal, and a few particulars about each case. He is in his element here, the picture of quiet confidence. Passion laces his every word and brings a spark to his eyes that you’d only seen a few times before when you were about to crack a case.

You have never felt more attracted to him.

Coming up to the last painting, you cock your head to the side and give it a quizzical stare. It’s abstract, composed of a muted yet warm palette. The paint is blended with no discernable lines or shapes.

“What is it?” you ask, looking up in time to see Marcus’ dimple appear next to his gentle smile. 

“What do you see?” Marcus steps behind you again, and runs the tips of his fingers up and down your arms.

“I… I’m not sure. What am I supposed to see?” The texture of the paint is layered in some spaces, and there’s almost an ethereal glow emanating from its contrast of light and dark. You feel a bit embarrassed and uncultured. Maybe if you squint or let your vision blur, like it’s one of those magic eye puzzles that give you headaches.

“What I love about abstract art is that there’s no right or wrong answer. I hated it until we studied it in school. I always thought I was missing something, and got frustrated that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.” 

You let out a soft hmm of agreement, but are distracted by Marcus’ voice, hot on your ear, lips close enough to graze the sensitive shell. “It was this quote by an artist, Arshile Gorky, that helped me appreciate it more. To paraphrase, abstraction frees the mind and allows it to explore the unknown. Whatever you see is what you’re meant to see.”

You let your mind rest on his words, buzzing from the energy between you. With a smirk, you say, “I bet you got laid a lot in school.” 

Marcus gives a surprised chuckle. “I did alright,” he admits, and you hear the grin in his voice.

Turning to face him, you run your hands up his chest and under the lapels of his jacket to his shoulders. Marcus sighs, placing his hands on your waist and pulling you closer. That spark in his eye is trained on you now, his pupils blown while they skate over your face under hooded lids. 

“What’s next on the tour?” Your voice comes out a bit hoarse, his gaze almost overwhelming in its intensity. 

Marcus smiles, somewhat mischievously. “Just one more thing. C’mon,” he takes your hand and starts leading you to the large table and chairs. “I think you’re going to like this part.” 

Leaving you at the edge of the table, Marcus goes to one of the nearby shelves and pulls out a large cardboard envelope from a box, nearly the size of one of the paintings. With the flip of a switch, the entire surface of the table illuminates, humming gently from the internal fan. He pulls out what looks to be a sheet of dark plastic film and lays it on top of the table, revealing an x-ray image.

Marcus’ face is like a kid’s on Christmas morning. “This is an x-ray of that painting over here,” he points to the abstract work you’d been standing at a moment before. The x-ray on the table is a ghostly, black-and-white rendering of the muted swaths of paint. “And here,” he lays a second image down on the table, “is another x-ray taken of the same painting at different settings.” 

You nearly gasp. It’s virtually a different image entirely. The abstract painting has been reduced to a haze, overlaying a distinct pastoral landscape. Leaning over the table for a closer look, you feel a pleasantly warm glow on your face from the lit surface. “What the…” Your eyes snap back to Marcus’ face, which is lit up with what you can only describe as glee. 

“So you like it?” His eyes are sparkling and that dimple you love so much has reappeared. “‘Like it?’” You scoff. “I love it, Marcus, this is incredible. But…” you gesture at the images, “What exactly does that mean in terms of evidence?” Marcus comes around to your side of the table.

“The first one is a radiographic image of that painting we looked at, which could have told us if there were any traces of minerals or other elements within the paint used. Modern paint pigments are synthetic,” Marcus pulls the first image closer and gestures to the different shades of gray. “But–” he slides the second image next to the first, with its outlines of rolling hills and fluffy clouds, “Historically, heavy metals were frequently used, like lead and cobalt.” 

Nodding along with the lesson, you put two and two together. “So the heavy metals in old paint would show through on an x-ray, even if somebody has painted over it.” Marcus is beaming at you, clearly happy that you made the connection. 

“Exactly. And then the synthetic paint could be removed later.” Turning to face you, he rests a hip on the edge of the table. The surface light casts dramatic shadows across the contours of his jaw and nose. You mirror his body language and reach out to poke him playfully in the chest. 

“No fair; the FBI gets all the fun toys.” The cool satin of his tie slips deftly between your fingers, and you give it a gentle tug. His gaze is alert and hungry as he takes a step closer, and you can feel your body responding to his proximity once again. Marcus trails a finger across your clavicle that sends a chill down your spine and tingles straight to your nipples. 

“Yeah, but if you ask nicely, maybe I’ll share.” Threading his fingers into the hair at the base of your skull, he pulls gently but purposefully until your head tilts back and you’re forced to meet his eyes. A shuddering breath escapes your parted lips. Marcus leans in and grazes his lips against yours, barely a whisper of a kiss. His tongue traces the sensitive inner edge of your top lip and you nearly let out a whimper.

“Go on, then. Ask me.” He nips at your bottom lip. “Nicely.”

“Please,” you breathe. Marcus’ arm encircles your waist, while the hand in your hair grips a bit tighter. He uses a tight hold on your ass to grind you against the firm thigh he places between your own. Your hands grasp desperately onto his shoulders as your knees feel like they’re about to buckle from the delicious pressure. 

“‘Please’ what?” Marcus prompts gently. You’re pressing back against his thigh now, too lost in the sensation to respond. He withdraws it suddenly and you’re left clenching, all too aware of how badly you need that pressure back. 

“‘Please’ what?” He repeats, more firmly this time. 

“Please, Sir.” You correct yourself quickly, and are rewarded with Marcus’ lips against yours and the blessed return of his thigh. He’s a man possessed, and you whimper into his mouth as his tongue licks inside. The next thing you know, he’s got you sandwiched between the table and his thigh now, your skirt hiked up, juices leaking through your panties as you ride the firm muscles of his leg. 

“Look at you, just beautiful. You’re so hot like this, I love seeing you lose yourself. Does that feel good? Hm?” Marcus presses his hard cock into your hip and groans. “Jesus, I can feel how fucking wet you are through my pants. Are you going to leave your pussy juices on me, so anybody we walk past can see what a good girl you are for me?” 

Your eyes are squeezed shut tight, arms gripping to Marcus for dear life as you continue rutting against him, breath becoming ragged. The friction and pressure are almost too much, you’ll practically give yourself rug burn at this rate. But the onslaught of Marcus’ filthy praise in your ear, his hot, steamy breath against your neck, his tongue on your pulse point – you’re already careening out of control and he knows it.

“Are you going to cum for me, baby?” Nodding, wordless, you scramble to hold onto him as Marcus scoops up one of your thighs and hooks it over his hip with a grunt. “Then you better ask first.” 

“P-please,” you gasp out, “Please, Sir. Please can I cum?” You’re on the precipice, Marcus’ cock almost painfully hard in your hip. 

You gasp when he pulls his thigh away, eyes flying open in shock. “Not yet, sweet girl, hold on for me just a little bit longer. You’re going to cum on my tongue first.” Before you have a chance to protest, Marcus hoists you up fully onto the edge of the light table and pulls up a chair to feast on you. 

You’re immediately aware of the warmth the lit surface of the table infuses into every part of your body it’s touching. The table itself feels sturdy and solid beneath you, but you can’t fight an initial moment of panic. “Um, Marcus…I don’t know if–” It’s a struggle to concentrate as Marcus noses at your clothed pussy. A gentle double tap to the crown of his head is all the signal he needs to check in.

“You okay? Do you want to stop?” Marcus’ face is flushed, but his eyes are clear and laser focused on you. 

“Is this, uh…safe?” You rap gently on the table with a forced air of nonchalance. 

Marcus smiles and strokes the outside of your hip and thigh with his hand. “Totally safe. I triple-checked the specs and tested it out already.” 

You lift an amused eyebrow at that. “Tested it out?”

Marcus’ eyes go round at the implication, his dominant persona dropped. “Not like that! I mean I stacked a shitload of evidence boxes on it and did a– well, ah– a simulation, I guess you could call it.” His self-effacing chuckle is endearing.  He always knows how to make you feel safe and secure during your more adventurous times together. You smile and stroke his hair as he rubs his cheek against your inner thigh, the rasp of his five o’clock shadow sending shockwaves to your pussy.

“I’m very interested in finding out more about this simulation…Sir.” His honorific on your lips is your signal that you’re ready to continue and his grin turns wolfish. With a playful, smacking kiss to the tender flesh of your inner thigh, Marcus slips his fingers into the waistband of your panties. Bracing your calves on his broad shoulders, you lift your ass a little to help Marcus slide the panties the rest of the way off. 

“Open up for me, sweetheart.” Gently, he applies pressure to your knees until you’re completely spread out before him. You might be a little embarrassed being on display if you didn’t know how much he loved you like this: open, vulnerable, and completely at his mercy. The expression on Marcus’ face is practically one of reverence. 

“This is exactly why I wanted to bring you here,” Marcus places open-mouthed kisses up your thighs, sucking and nibbling his way to your center. It’s difficult not to squirm, he’s got you feeling antsy and impatient. “I wanted to see you lit up and on exhibit for me, like the work of art you are.”

You must be quite a sight to behold with the bright light of the table shining from beneath you. To drive his point home, Marcus dips his tongue to your core and collects your gathering slick on his tongue, spreading it and his saliva up to your clit in a broad swipe. Riding his thigh earlier has left you swollen and sensitive; your back arches off the table and you gasp at the sudden contact. 

Marcus holds you open with one hand so his tongue can more freely explore the full length of your slit, while the other alternates between massaging your breasts and rolling a peaked nipple through your blouse. Desperate for more, you unbutton your top enough to pull the cups of your bra down and leave yourself exposed to Marcus’ roaming fingers. 

Your whimpers and shuddering breaths combine with the sounds of Marcus lapping at your seeping cunt. His nose bumps against your engorged clit and you gasp, hips spasming. The hand on your breast disappears, and a finger gently nudges your entrance. 

“I’m going to get you ready for my cock, baby. Are you ready?” You nod wordlessly, and Marcus eases a digit inside you, watching your expression. “Oh, pretty girl, you’re so good, so wet. So tight, fuck.” 

Marcus laves his tongue over your clit and you clench around his finger. “Mmm, you’re going to take me so good, aren’t you?” Soon, he adds a second, working it rhythmically in and out, sucking and flicking his tongue against your clit until you’re panting.

The wet noises made by Marcus’ fingers inside you are practically obscene. When he crooks them at just the right spot, you lose all sense and writhe against him. You can hear a question in his inflection, but the twist and pull of his fingers are distracting, to say the least. He’s leaning over you now, the heel of his palm applying pressure over your clit to replace his mouth. 

“You’re doing so well, I know you can do it. You just need to ask me first.” His fingers inside you are relentless, and you can feel the pressure building inside, pulling taut like a rubber band about to snap. Marcus can tell how close you are and stops with his two fingers buried deep inside and applies his other hand to each side of your neck with just enough pressure to get your attention.

“C’mon, sweetheart, focus for me, otherwise I’ll have to stop.” His fingers are barely moving inside of you, just enough to keep you right on the edge. “You know what to do.”

A sob practically escapes your throat. “Please, Sir. I need to cum. Please can I? I want to be good for you.” It’s impossible to keep the pleading from your tone, you’re so close. Your hips are gyrating of their own accord, feebly fucking yourself on his fingers.

Marcus moves his hand off your throat to cup the side of your face and tangle his fingers in your hair. “Mm, do it. Be my good girl and cum.” Marcus leans down for a final taste where you’re stretched around his curling fingers, then settles his lips around your clit. With a cry, you break and see stars behind your eyelids as your orgasm crashes over you.

“Fuck yes, that’s my good girl. So beautiful like this, so perfect. I can feel you dripping into my hand, baby, you’re so wet. Did that feel good? Is that what you needed?” Marcus praises you through it all, stroking your neck, your breasts, peppering kisses over your mound and belly. His fingers retreat, leaving you fluttering in aftershocks, and you watch him lick your cum from his palm and fingers.

“Thank you for being such a good girl for me, sweetheart. I had to taste you at least one more time before you leave...” Reality falls over the room like a weighted blanket, and you let your engaged muscles go slack against the lit surface of the table, suddenly harsh and blinding. You feel exposed instead of exhibited and you squeeze your thighs together as the final flutters of your orgasm subside.

“Hey, come back to me,” you hear Marcus murmur, and feel him turn your face to meet his. He kisses you slowly and deeply, and you taste your tang on his plump bottom lip. He presses his forehead against yours and you share a couple of breaths. 

“I’m not done with you yet.”

Additional Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! There is plenty more to come (had to). I'd love to know what you thought -- any and all feedback is welcome! I just want to become a better writer. :)

Chapter 3 || SeñoraBond's Masterlist

[butterflydm]

wot reread: a memory of light (chapter 37)

spoilers for the last book, a memory of light

I am going to do this enormous chapter a little differently than the previous chapters (basically so that I can refer to this post later and understand all the various threads and not get them mixed up with each other). Instead of going in chronological order by each event presented to me, I'm going to have different PoV sections and then have my thoughts under each of those.

Egwene & Gawyn (& Galad)

Gawyn is exhausted, despite the week that they all just took to prepare for this last push of the battle. That's not a good sign. Pretty sure that's the Bloodknife ring sapping his strength. Yeah, when he puts the ring on again "his strength returned". (From TGS: "One never committed Bloodknives unless one was very serious, for they did not return from their missions." "The incredible abilities came at a cost, however, for the rings leeched life from their hosts, killing them in a matter of days. Removing the ring would slow that process slightly but once activated - done by touching a drop of one's own blood to the stone ring while wearing it - the process was irreversible.") He's already dead. He's just still walking around. Oh, hon.

"[Egwene] hesitated for a moment, looking through the gateway to Mat's command post. Egwene met the eyes of the Seanchan woman across the table, where she sat imperiously on her throne. I have not finished with you, Egwene thought." A very mean thing for Sanderson to write here, considering.

From her sense in the bond, she believes that Gawyn has gone off "to join the Andoran army" and sends Bryne to fetch him. Then she assigns Siuan to go "join Mat and the Seanchan Empress and listen with ears accustomed to hearing what is not spoken". Siuan calls Egwene a legacy that will shape "what is to come".

"I'll help watch this Seanchan woman for you, maybe help poor Min crawl out of the fang-fish net she's found herself in." Good luck, Siuan!

Egwene realizes, too late, that she's sent Bryne off to the wrong place, as once she travels to her own new location, that Gawyn is actually "on the Heights themselves, where the Shadow held the strongest."

Honestly, using the Special Assassin Rings to try to commit a Special Assassination on the leader of the Shadowspawn forces sounds like... a good idea? Gawyn knows that the original Bloodknives were doing a very good job specifically murdering Aes Sedai, because that was the crime that he was investigating when he found them in the first place. I also wonder if a lot of people forgot or missed that this attempt to go kill Demandred is not when Gawyn first activated the ring and signed his own death warrant (I bet that I missed it during my first read too). That he first activated the ring back when he and Egwene were pinned down by the Sharans and death seemed right around the corner for both of them. Gawyn's death has been irreversible since chapter 23.

"Once, perhaps, he would have done this for the pride of the battle and the chance to pit himself against Demandred. That was not his heart now. His heart was the need. Someone had to fight this creature, someone had to kill him or they would lose this battle. They could all see it. Risking Egwene or Logain would be too great a gamble. Gawyn could be risked. No one would send him to do this -- no one would dare -- but it was necessary."

He isn't able to get the assassin's blow off on Demandred and it looks like a key element is because Demandred detected the 'weave' that the ter'angreal is using on him. He calls it Night's Shade and confirms that it "leaks your life away".

I wonder why Demandred's face seems "eerily familiar" to Gawyn? I can't think of why that might be. lol, why does Demandred call everyone "little"? "Little man." "Little queen". "Little swordsman". What is your obsessions with everyone's heights? (wait, is he the one that was SLIGHTLY shorter than LTT and pissed off about it? as opposed to Sammael, who was considerably shorter than LTT and pissed off about it?)

haha, Demandred is CONVINCED that Lews Therin is the one directing the battle on the other side, either using Mat's face as a Mask of Mirrors or by sending messages through Mat. He has a spy in Mat's camp, probably, but is convinced that Rand is there somewhere, hiding. I mean, I kinda wish he were, just so that Rand and Mat COULD HAVE A REAL SCENE TOGETHER, but Demandred and I will both have to be disappointed. But it's kinda funny that it feels like Gawyn was rejecting the idea that he is "following" Rand in, like, a philosophical way, but Demandred meant "Lews Therin is literally your battle commander".

Gawyn loses the duel. And I like Gawyn this time around, so I'm much more emotionally affected by it. That's so rude. 😭

Egwene fights to reach Gawyn, feeling how close to death he is. 😭😭

Galad is on the Heights, fighting against Sharan channelers on Mat's orders, wearing a copy of the foxhead medallion. Galad also keeps getting confronted with things about 'his' Children of Light that are making him go 'yikes'. He's killing the Sharan channelers because it makes sense for the battle and he was ordered to do it... but the Children are happy to have an excuse to kill channelers and have some... real strange beliefs that kinda make channelers akin to vampires (...burying the head separately or they will rise again?).

One of the Children finds Gawyn, near death, and brings Galad to him. As he dies, Gawyn is talking over his regrets, starting with regretting staying at the White Tower back in book 4. He tells Galad to tell Egwene that he loves her, and Galad reassures him that Egwene already knows. Galad gets very cold inside when he realizes that his brother is dying. "He had seen men die, he had lost friends. This hurt more. Light, but it did."

When he tries to tell Gawyn that he needs to leave, so that he doesn't leave Galad without a brother, Gawyn tells him about Rand. And he tells Galad not to hate Rand. "I always hated him but I stopped." And Gawyn dies. 😭😭😭

Egwene feels it when it happens. After sending out a burst of flames at the nearby enemies as the pain consumes her, she collapses for the moment (there is a group of Whitecloaks nearby so she was very very close to reaching Gawyn before he died. That is heartbreaking).

Egwene wakes up after having been removed from the battlefield. She feels empty and heartbroken but, especially after she overhears how badly the battle is going, she knows that she does not have the time for grief or mourning, not now. "Egwene al'Vere lost a man she loved, and she felt him die through a bond. The Amrylin has sympathy for Egwene al'Vere, as she would have sympathy for any Aes Sedai dealing with such loss. And then, in the face of the Last Battle, the Amrylin would expect that woman to pick herself up and return to the fight." It's interesting how (as Rand's foil), Egwene is both the same kind of hero that Rand is, but she's also the kind of hero that Rand expected himself to be but actually ends up not being. Rand's Last Battle is philosophical; Egwene's Last Battle is physical (which is to say, the show gets another point right in how they decided to distribute episode eight out to its protagonists -- with Rand's fight ultimately being in his head while Egwene's is out on the battlefield; that's what Rafe & co meant when they said they were doing a whole-series adaptation and not just adapting book-by-book. they looked at the actual endgame needs of the characters and put in the work up-front to make sure that those would vibe with the set-up).

18. In order to keep herself balanced on the battlefield, Egwene decides that she needs to bond a Warder, though she is far from emotionally ready, and she asked "Leilwin Shipless" if she will accept the duty, getting immediate agreement. And Egwene goes back out to fight again.

19. "Egwene led an assault the likes of which had not been seen in millennia." There's some intense fighting and then Egwene comes face-to-face with Taim, who calls himself M'Hael now. There is an intense battle scene. The battle involves a lot of balefire being tossed around by Taim and, in the back of her mind, Egwene ponders the notion of whether or not the weave really is impossible to counter. Egwene didn't need the help of anyone else's ancient memories in order to rediscover Traveling, after all. That was all her, figuring it out from basic principles.

20. Egwene and her Aes Sedai have been fighting on the Heights for hours. Taim reappears, pouring balefire into her line of Aes Sedai and killing dozens. Egwene thinks again about what Perrin said in TAR about balefire -- "it's only a weave" -- and considers how balefire is considered a one-of-a-kind sort of thing. But what if it isn't? What if it works like any other weave? With the One Power, there are always two halves. Logically, balefire should have an equal and opposite counterpart, just as saidar has saidin. "If a weave exists, so must its opposite". And when Taim strikes again with balefire, she counters with this idea of this weave that she has created, one that is the opposite of balefire. Something that will reinforce the Pattern instead of unraveling it.

She decides that it is called the Flame of Tar Valon, and she uses it to kill Taim.

21. Egwene realizes that she's reached the point of no return -- if she releases her grip on saidar, then she will burn out. There is too much inside her right now. More than she can hold. So she can let go and burn out and survive... or she can take that power and use it.

She tells Leilwin née Egeanin one last command -- find the seals and keep them until she sees 'the moment the light shines'. Then she wraps her up in Air and shoves her through a gateway, releasing their bond.

She closed her eyes and drew in the power. More than a woman should be able to, more than was right. Far beyond safety, far beyond wisdom. This sa'angreal had no buffer to prevent this.

Her body was spent. She offered it up and became a column of light, releasing the Flame of Tar Valon into the ground beneath her and high into the sky. The Power left her in a quiet, beautiful explosion, washing across the Sharans and sealing the cracks created by her fight with M'Hael.

Egwene's soul separated from her collapsing body and rested upon that wave, riding it into the Light.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Before I move on to the next set of plot-threads, I want to ponder a question: why on earth does Gawyn get blamed for Egwene deciding to go out in a blaze of glory? He died hours ago. She bonded a new Warder. She doesn't die out of rage over her Warder's death here. To quote Gawyn: [Her] heart was the need. Egwene looked at what the battle needed from her at that moment, and she made a choice.

Once upon a time, Lews Therin stood on a mountain after losing the love of his life, and his despair created destruction around him. Once upon a time, Egwene stood on a battlefield after losing the love of her life, and her sacrifice healed the destruction around her.

Last time around, Lews Therin was fighting the wrong battle -- and the wrong person was the one fighting in the battle.

re: Egwene dying at all. I actually do think that having one of the Emond's Field Five die was a good choice. Would I have picked Egwene as the one? Probably not. otoh, it kinda seems like the other four were all mentioned as still being alive in Jordan's epilogue, so Egwene was the only one who could die (since the epilogue was considered basically sacred). idk I'm a big softie who has a hard time killing off characters so I'm not really the person to talk to about that subject, lol.

Rand (& Nynaeve)

TDO's attack against Rand starts out as an attempt to break him down and shatter him, but Rand resists. "It was as if the Dark One was shredding him while at the same time trying to crush him entirely, coming at Rand from infinite directions, all at once, in a wave."

When that fails, TDO then 'weaves' a reality for Rand to see. A world 'remade' in TDO's image, where the taint overlays everything, the Blight is everywhere, and Rand has been forgotten in his failure. TDO makes him watch his father die, and then Dannil leads him back to Emond's Field, where a Turned Nynaeve is waiting with channelers and Fades to Turn Rand too. It's an attempt to make Rand feel despair and give up, but when Nynaeve & co begin the process of trying to Turn Rand to the Shadow, he pushes back, rejecting this reimagining of the world that TDO has created. Hmm, Rand finds threads here that are more varied than the five threads of the One Power, calls them "the fabric of creation" and uses them to channel a different reality.

We now get introduced to the world that Rand reimagines. "He passed from nothingness into majesty."

Gorgeous buildings. Wide roads but nothing driving on it, only people walking around, in vibrant clothing. Now, instead of the memory of Turned Chosen enslaving and tormenting the Two Rivers, Rand has willed into being memories of Ogier coming "to the Two Rivers to repay Rand for his sacrifice, intending to build a monument here, [but] the town's leaders had wisely requested help improving their city instead".

Rand doesn't quite imagine paradise entirely -- though he's integrated the Seanchan into his vision of peace here, he doesn't know enough about the Sharans to do the same, so there are still "campaigns" there. And there is a monument dedicated to the fallen of the Last Battle with "familiar" faces that Rand isn't quite willing to look at. Like TDO had done earlier, "He'd built this reality out of the threads of what could be, of mirrors of the world as it now played out".

The knowledge that other people are out there dying and sacrificing for a potential future shakes Rand -- he wanted so much for his sacrifice to be the only sacrifice, which was always going to be impossible. But when he lets that thought enter his mind, this vision of reality starts to get eaten up by TDO and Rand has to force it back into place.

It is the anniversary of the hundred years of peace that Rand had wanted in the Dragon's Peace that he had the nations sign before (and during, in the case of the Seanchan) the Last Battle. Lady Adora, Perrin's granddaughter, is the mayor of Emond's Field. Rand slips past her and into the school. A school for anyone to come and learn, no matter what their background. TDO taunts him again for believing that he can eliminate suffering entirely. So we're kinda doing a "the perfect is the enemy of the good" argument here. Is "better" enough when it isn't "perfect"? And is "perfect" only ever a lie? TDO attacks Rand again, and this world fades back into a faint mirror of possibility. The heart of the Last Battle is a philosophical argument about the nature of reality, and of human nature.

As he stands with the great shadow of TDO, Rand can see the armies outside fighting. TDO is mostly outside of time, except wherever it touches the Pattern. There it is bound to the linear nature of time. TDO tells Rand to watch as the people fighting in his name die, and spins another vision for him.

The new world-possibility that TDO spins for Rand looks very much like the regular world, with some minor differences like steam-drawn carriages driving around. He's in Caemlyn this time, and he can still see the hole in the wall from when Talmanes blew the hole to escape from the Shadowspawn, but there's a bustle and a life around.

He goes to a fruit seller, and she mentions her fresh peaches for sale. "Peaches," Rand said, aghast. Everyone knew those were poisonous. She tells him that they are safe now; the toxin has been removed. Hey, isn't it peach blossoms that Rand made bloom back in Ebou Dar? So that was actually meant as something of a subtle threat, though Tuon took as an Important Omen. As they're talking, a street urchin steals one of the fruits and starts to run off, and the fruit-seller pulls out a rod and does something that instantly kills him. When Rand reacts in horror, she acts puzzled, asking him if "it" belonged to him. Yikes! Yeah, definitely still a very Bad World, Rand. When she asks him what faction he belongs to, he takes that as his cue to leave, very quickly.

He searches Caemlyn to find the Queen's Blessing and, with relief, sees that Basel Gill is working inside. So this one is not a hundred years in the future like the last one. Gill says that they're in the Fourth Age and that the Last Battle was won. After Gill tells him that he'll get him a faction symbol, Rand notices a nothingness that signifies TDO's presence and questions it. This is a world where TDO has tricked people into believing that they won the Last Battle.

When Gill returns, it's with guards to rob Rand for his fancy coat. Rand realizes that TDO has taken everyone's consciences/compassion. This is a world without any spark of 'light' inside people's hearts, only Shadow. Rand tells TDO that seeing this only makes him want to fight harder and now he will show TDO a world "without Shadow".

In the cavern, Nynaeve works to save Alanna's life. All her Power is still wrapped up in the link with Rand, so she has to sew and use her herbs and all her know-how from being the Wisdom of Emond's Field.

As Rand tries to weave together the possibility of a world without the Shadow, he finds that the threads resist him and he wonders if that is because of how unlikely such a world is. iirc, Rand's upcoming dreamworld is a moment that the show has already given us great set-up for with the fantasy that Rand gets from Ishamael in episode 8 and is another illustration of how far ahead Rafe & co were thinking with all their choices in the first season.

He chooses to create Caemlyn, to wash the taste out of his mouth of having seen the horrible vision that TDO showed him last time. Trees are in full bloom, there isn't a cloud in the sky, and children don't recognize what a sword is. He asks to visit the queen and is directed towards the gardens, though he first travels through a hallway of magic mirrors, letting him see this paradise reflected in other lands: a peaceful meadow in the Mountains of Mists, the Stone a museum instead of a fortress, the rebuilt towers of Malkier, the Chora Fields of the Age of Legends surrounding the city of Rhuidean as he hears Aiel voices lifted in song. No locks on the doors. No more need for money -- "a nearly forgotten eccentricity". Channelers create food for everyone and Aes Sedai heal anyone who suffers injury.

His own grave in the Blasted Lands, where his body had been burned after the Last Battle, overgrown with leaves, grass, and flowers. Rand pauses at this window for a long moment before he moves onward into the gardens.

Elayne sits alone in the gardens, not too far from the garden wall where he once fallen in and met her for the first time. "Elayne was as beautiful as she'd been when they'd last parted. She was no longer pregnant, of course. A hundred years had passed since the Last Battle. She appeared not to have aged a day." When Elayne sees him, she greets him in surprise.

18. She wonders if her daughter is using the Mask of Mirrors to play a prank on her, but Rand sinks down to one knee before her and tells her that he's real. And, as he looks into her eyes and listens to her voice, he realizes that "something was wrong".

19. "That simpering tone, that vapid reaction... Elayne had never been like that." He gets more disturbed as she continues, talking about Aviendha spending her week off from singing to do "nursery duty". "Aviendha. Tending children and singing to chora trees. There was nothing wrong with that, really. Why shouldn't she enjoy such activities? But it was wrong, too. He thought Aviendha would be a wonderful mother, but to imagine her seeking to spend all day playing with other people's children..."

20. When he looks into Elayne's eyes, he sees the same kind of blankness that he's seen in those forcibly Turned to the Shadow. He accuses TDO of having done something to her. But TDO asks him, "Did you think that removing me from their lives would leave them unaltered?"

21. "She was not herself... because Rand had taken away her ability to be herself." Again! This resonates so well with what was set up in episode eight! Rafe is playing the long game!

22. I do have to... interject a side note: this scene really couldn't be done with Min because... this horror that Rand accidentally did to Elayne, stripping her of her autonomy in an attempt to create a world without Shadow... is basically what Min did to herself in LoC.

He’ll have to take me as I am, [Min] thought, twitching the reins irritably. I’m not changing for any man. Only, her clothes would have been as plain as any farmer’s not that long ago, her hair had not been in ringlets almost to her shoulders, and a small voice whispered, You’ll be whatever you think he wants you to be.

Honestly, that's a big part of why I dislike how prophecy is used in a couple of the romances (Min->Rand and Mat->Tuon) because it feels like it's been used to strip away their autonomy and yet this loss of their self doesn't get treated like a horror even though their 'choice' to chase Rand/marry Tuon was done because they believed they had no choice.

23. Rand weeps in despair at all the loss of life that is going on in the Last Battle outside of Shayol Ghul. "He should have been able to protect them. Why couldn't he? Against his will, the names began to replay in his mind. The names of those who had died for him, starting with only women, but now expanded to each and every person he should have been able to save - but hadn't." But he refuses to give in to TDO's offer to 'stop fighting and rest'. And TDO spins another possibility for him...

24. The next offer that TDO makes is 'nothing'. Aka oblivion for all of existence. He claims that it is the same as the 'peace of the void' that Rand seeks so often. Rand gives the offer due consideration, and then rejects it.

25. Rand feels Egwene's death and it shakes him hard. Egwene's name is added to the list in his mind, and despair claws at him as TDO gloats that the dead belong to him.

26. Rand is watching the whole battle play out -- he sees Elayne (captive and alone), he see Rhuarc (his mind forfeit), Mat (desperate, facing down horrible odds), and Lan (riding to his death).

Demandred's words dug at him. The Dark One's pressure continue to tear at him.

Rand had failed.

But in the back of his mind, a voice. Frail, almost forgotten.

Let go.

Elayne & Mat (& Fortuona & Min & Galad)

Elayne is heading into the main Seanchan camp to talk to Mat about why he appears to be changing the battle plans without letting her know. Along the way, they deal with some Draghkar and Elayne deliberately deafens her side so that they will be able to ignore their song. After this, she's approached by a sul'dam and damane pair and, reluctantly, allows the damane to heal her ears. Elayne is, btw, wearing sturdy boots.

Elayne has also been paying attention to how the Seanchan behave, and so she does not talk to any of the sul'dam herself, because she's noticed that they care a LOT about who talks to who. This sul'dam in particular is highborn, Elayne suspects from the shaven sides of her head, so she'll definitely feel insulted by Elayne not being willing to speak to her. <3

Elayne also notes here that the Seanchan highborn seem to dislike the idea of being healed with the Power ("Why any of you would want to be Healed by an animal is beyond me," the sul'dam says). But she also points out that there's a gap between what the Seanchan claim is true and what they actually seem to do -- they say they disapprove of healing but are having their damane learn the weaves.

Mat and Elayne's relationship seems to be fairly healthy here which honestly is fascinating given... you know. Tuon and the whole Seanchan defection. Elayne insults Mat when she greets him, but he finds it amusing, just as she suspected that he would. He's made up a throne for her in Andoran red-and-gold, extra cushioned, and with a still-steaming cup of tea waiting for her! Husband behavior! Not the kind of ~husband behavior~ that Mat derided all throughout TGS but actual "I care about your comfort" behavior.

She notes that his clothing "smelled of some kind of compromise" -- Tuon agreed to let Mat wear clothing in the style that he preferred as long as it was silk? Elayne also notes that he's wearing a pink ribbon around his hat. And that is also fascinating because Mat had two very specific memories about Tylin's (pink) ribbons in his second chapter in this book (right before he saw Tuon again), and they were both extremely negative. The first time was when his scarf around his neck reminded him of "a ribbon that felt like a chain" and the second was his flashback to the pink ribbons when he saw Tylin's headboard/bed. So for Mat to put a pink ribbon around his hat is... interesting. A reminder of the chains that he's still wearing? We're not in his PoV, so we don't get his reasoning, and I don't think he ever thinks about it in his own PoV.

"All in all, Elayne was impressed by how easily the scout mixed his obeisance and his report. She was also sickened. No ruler should demand such of her subjects. A nation's strength came from the strength of its people; break them, and you were breaking your own back."

I am also really really curious by what (silent) Fortuona might be thinking of the casual & intimate way that Mat and Elayne are talking to each other here, given how jealous she's gotten in the past. Elayne noted when she entered the tent that Fortuona was present ("dressed in enough green silk to supply a shop in Caemlyn for two weeks" and with Min standing silently at her side) but has not engaged with her at all.

"You spent this whole week planning with us, and you knew the entire time you'd throw [the plans] out with the dishwater." Anyway, Mat says that he didn't know the entire time, but that he needs to keep the plans in his head if they want them to be safe from the Forsaken. Also, Elayne, in contrast to most of the people who have interacted with Mat recently, is able to figure out what he's thinking just from a couple of micro-expressions.

But it's interesting/frustrating the implied changes that have happened over the course of this week of off-screen planning -- aka Tuon compromising with Mat. Because it happens off-screen, we don't actually find out why Tuon was willing to compromise - is it because, with all his friends around, she's realized that it would be impossible to control him with the methods she would use if they were alone, because he could just... walk fifty feet away and hang out with his powerful friends instead of being stuck with her if she pushes him too far (as he did in the previous chapter when she was trying to force him to sit in judgement)? Has she actually had off-screen character development (if so, stop having important emotional moments happen off-screen!)? We just don't know.

Mat is also still calling Fortuona "Tuon". And that scene ended with Elayne never, at any point, engaging with Tuon and she also never thinks of Fortuona as "Mat's wife", only as "the Seanchan Empress". Surely she has to know by this point that they're married but she Does Not Think About It. I genuinely have so many questions -- one of the primary ones being: where has Mat been sleeping this last week? Does the fact that Mat was saying "Tuon's tent" in the previous chapter mean that he has his own tent separate from hers? Tuon positioned "having sex" as a reward-type situation back when Mat first showed up in Ebou Dar, so is that time in the gardens the only time that they've had sex? Given that Tuon seems to want Min by her side constantly, if she did decide to have sex with Mat again, would she insist on Min staying in the tent with them to keep an eye out for sex-related omens? (we already know that Selucia and at least one or two other guard-slaves would likely be present) Has Mat been avoiding having sex with her or sleeping in the same tent as her so that she doesn't get another chance to steal his medallion? So many questions, absolutely nothing in the narration that gives me any hints at answers.

Okay, our first Mat PoV in this chapter is fascinating because Mat has basically the exact same thought here about Galad that he had about Tuon in an earlier chapter. Compare "[Galad] could have been a statue, with that pretty face and unchanging expression. No, statues had more life." vs "Mat shivered. He didn’t like it when Tuon got like this. That stare of hers... it seemed like the stare of another person. A person without compassion. A statue had more life to it." The Whitecloaks = Seanchan comparison is alive and well (or the Seanchan are what the Whitecloaks would be if they had the kind of continent-wide coercive power).

Min is spending all her time in the command tent whispering to Tuon. It sure feels like she swapped super-easily from being Rand's prophecy girl to being Tuon's prophecy girl (okay, okay, I'll cut her some slack since Rand did ask her to watch Fortuona). When Elayne's voice sounds "cold" here, Mat compares her to an Aes Sedai, unlike their earlier encounters. Also... it doesn't sound like Selucia is around? Did she get demoted again? Elayne also... sorta speaks to Tuon here? But then quickly swaps back to talking to Mat only lol.

Mat realizes that there's a spy either inside or just around the command tent, because of how quickly Demandred is responding to his changes.

Mat is amused by the fact that Elayne has managed to "shift" her throne around so that it's either the same height or slightly higher than Tuon's, so he hasn't ~embraced Tuon's dignity as his own~ or however the Seanchan might put it.

15. Hmm, we also have confirmation here that Mat has been... flirting (????? sexually harassing???? who knows with New Mat but probably harassing, sadly) with other Seanchan Bloods, if not in front of Tuon, then in front of people who would report to Tuon, which is another interesting piece of data to put into the puzzle. It really does seem like Mat has managed to (off the page) force a certain level of compromise into his marriage.

16. And, here, Mat slips away with just Elayne and Birgitte so that he can reassure Elayne about his plans in private, even though Tuon questions him walking away (and he doesn't even look back at her because "those eyes could drill through solid steel"). It genuinely seems like some fascinating stuff happened in that week of planning that we didn't get to see! Mat seems a lot less scared of doing things that will upset Tuon. But again, we don't know if that's actually due to a change in Mat and Tuon's relationship or if it's Mat's physical proximity to people who would unquestioningly take his side against hers that gives him new boldness.

17. He tells Elayne that he has a plan to deal with the spy that he believes is listening in at the command tent, and he goes through his entire thought process for her here, which is an astonishingly unprecedented amount of communication from Mat. So Elayne is in on his plan -- and away from the command post so that if things go wrong, she can pick another general to lead them; and he sent a message to Talmanes about his plan as well (that Talmanes signaled that he received), so the only remaining question mark for Mat is whether or not he can "coax" Tuon into doing what needs to be done.

I am going to say that I find it very interesting that when Mat is certain that there's a spy in the command tent and that their security is compromised, he finds a reason to get Elayne away from the command tent. The reason makes tactical sense, of course, but it's interesting.

18. Birgitte tells Elayne that all her older memories are gone now. Her first memories are of waking up to Nynaeve and Elayne in this world. Elayne wants to go after Birgitte, to try to comfort her, but Galad arrives. Galad isn't entirely certain why he's been sent here but he's got time to scold Elayne for being on the battlefield "in your condition". Elayne (accurately) points out that if they lose, it's gonna be a lot worse for the kids. So Elayne and Galad can talk about the kids together but Elayne and Tam can't?

19. Elayne knows Mat so well, even as she claims to despair over understanding him. "I'm convinced that Mat only acts simple so that people will let him get away with more."

20. A letter arrives for Galad from Mat, and Sanderson makes fun of himself when he has Elayne note that Mat's spelling and handwriting is much better in this letter than the one he sent her in ToM. Anyway, he's sent the copy he had of the medallion (Elayne does verify here that it's a copy and not the original) to Galad and told him to go kill as many Sharan channelers as he's capable of killing. Because he feels like "a Whitecloak" will have the stomach to go kill a bunch of channelers. When Galad agrees with Elayne that he shouldn't have a problem with "killing women" and explains that women are just as capable of evil as men are, Elayne tells him "You actually said something that doesn't make me want to strangle you." lol, ilu Elayne. Galad thinks she's joking but, no, of course not.

Characterization note: Mat never gave the medallion copy to Tuon. That was the whole reason that he'd originally held onto it after ToM, with plans to give it to Tuon to protect her. ...and then she stole his medallion and it sounds like he had to do some fast-talking to get it back. And then he never mentions or brings up the copy until this moment when he sends it to Galad.

Did Tuon's betrayal of Mat earlier in AMoL mean that he no longer trusted her with a medallion?

Did Tuon's own paranoia and mistrust screw her out of getting that extra level of protection and trust openly given from Mat, and so Mat held onto it to find another purpose for the copy instead?

21. Min apparently is still spending all her time here quietly whispering to Tuon. She's gotta be someone's little whisper, I guess. She's gotten used to it over the last few books. Anyway, Logain is here because he wants to go fight at Shayol Ghul instead of here at the "battle for the little lives of men". Or he wants to be sent against Demandred, as the "dragon's replacement". Mat finally just gives Logain permission to go fight Demandred if he wants to do it so badly.

22. Ah, here is where Mat has another willful delusion (number five? six? not sure): "What he would give to be done with all of these high heads. Mat might be one of them now, but that could be fixed. All he had to do was convince Tuon to forsake her throne and run off with him. That would not be easy, but bloody ashes, he was fighting the Last Battle. Compared to the challenge he now faced, Tuon seemed an easy knot to untie."

Made up a girl in his head, one that Fortuona will never be. Good luck with that, and all.

This does also show that Mat continues to have no interest in being part of the Seanchan hierarchy (and this is something that is backed up by his actions, like refusing to legitimize himself as the Prince of Ravens by refusing to sit in judgement of soldiers throwing themselves on the Empress's mercy). Though Mat shows signs of protectiveness and sometimes affection towards 'Tuon', he shows no signs of wanting to be involved with 'The Seanchan Empress Fortuona'. It does feel a bit like we're continuing the thread where Sanderson actually gave Mat a reason for his bizarre turnaround in CoT/KoD by having him mentally compare the fear that Tuon/the sul'dam have over channeling with the fear that Rand/male channelers have over channeling -- this is an echo of the 'Rand-friend vs Dragon Reborn-scary' battle that Mat has been having in his brain, off-and-on, ever since he first learned that Rand could channel. I wish that Sanderson had leaned into it more, but even this subtext here is more of an explanation for Mat's change in characterization in CoT than we ever got from Jordan.

I have to admit, the way that it's done does kinda remind me of BBC's Merlin -- in S1, Arthur and Merlin go through this entire character arc of Arthur looking past his prejudices about servants as he becomes Merlin's friend. And then the show aired and large parts of the audience went, "huh, kinda seems like they're in love with each other"; and so the show did a hard reset in S2 and Arthur basically went through that exact same arc with Gwen, who was always meant to be his canon love interest, and went back to being more of a jerk towards Merlin. And in WoT, Mat's struggle between caring about a person vs being put off by/scared of that person's public mask was first grounded in his friendship with Rand, but now it's basically been transferred over to Tuon instead. Basically "oh shit, this character arc makes this character look queer; better shift it over to his canon het love interest STAT".

(but imo this thread works so much better with Rand because the READERS know the real person behind the public mask; and I feel like we never really get that with Tuon -- there are hints that a real person exists but even in her own PoVs, it feels like Tuon is still mostly just The Mask)

23. Tuon signals that it's time for her and Mat to stage their fake fight about the Seanchan pulling out of the battle, picking "I can protect myself" as the issue she wants to fight over, which Mat thinks is kinda silly but whatever. "His plan with Tuon was to take a cue from what Rand had once done with Perrin". ...how did Mat find out about that? I guess from Min? Perrin was asleep and Rand was gone, so I guess it must have been from Min. I'm... pretty sure she knew the Rand & Perrin fight was fake? Or maybe Perrin told him about it during the dinner where Perrin laughed and laughed over how droll it was that Mat had married a slaver. Because Perrin and Mat got to have a reunion dinner.

24. A Gray Man attacks. I'm sorry... are we supposed to believe that this is the same Gray Man from Ebou Dar that escaped back in Mat's second chapter? Because I thought Shadowspawn (including Gray Men?) couldn't go through Gateways? Maybe this Gray Man also has Mat's non-channeling teleportation skills. Anyway, this time the Gray Man is attacking Mat just as channelers invade the command tent (so... literally proving the point that Mat had just made about how the tent was no longer secure) so Min... throws herself at Tuon to protect her? Why is Min's first instinct "protect the head slaver"? Why is Min in the tank for the Seanchan so quickly?

Min also manages to knock over Tuon's ten-foot tall throne, so it sounds like it's actually made of pretty flimsy materials. That kinda feels like an unintentional metaphor -- looks imposing but is basically paper mache. lol.

25. Anyway, this is the first time Tuon shows any shred of an actual... like... positive emotion towards Mat? (I don't count "laughing at him because she views him as a brainless sex toy" as a positive emotion) So I guess we should celebrate that. Because when everyone gets attacked, Tuon runs over to try to help Mat with the Gray Man, "growling softly in an almost feral way". Once again, I am deeply curious about the mysterious changes that happened in their relationship during that skipped over week of planning, that resulted in Tuon compromising with Mat and now appearing to actually give a shit that he might die (... or she might just be possessive and not want to lose her new favorite toy? But I will choose to extend the benefit of the doubt).

26. And, once again, Min's entire priority list seems to be Tuon. ?????? Why are you so obsessed with her? Since we're in your PoV right now, could you explain to the readers why you're so deep in the tank for the Seanchan and Fortuona? Would love a reason. Anyway, she can't reach her new-found love, Fortuona, so she slips out of the tent to see if she can help any other way, and runs into Siuan.

27. When Min tells her that she needs to go find Bryne because that's the only way she'll survive, Siuan says that she can't leave because "Cauthon is in danger." Hey, you were willing to call him 'Mat' back in book three. But anyway, she says, "If Cauthon falls, this battle is lost! I don't care if we both die from this. We must help. Move!" So. Siuan. The tent is on fire. Would you say that you were there to help Mat "when the flames are high?" Just asking.

28. Okay, there's a whole group of Gray Men attacking Mat, so we're not supposed to think it was the one from Ebou Dar. But that's a gun that never went off, now that I think about it.

29. MIN! Yelling at the terrified damane to help when her sul'dam is dead is pointless if you don't FREE HER from the collar. She isn't capable of channeling without her sul'dam's permission. You should know this. YOU WERE IN FALME WITH EGWENE! Egwene explained all of this to you! (also, I think Min left the poor nameless damane to die in the burning tent, since she would also be incapable of running away on her own if she's still leashed? Slave-masters always get rescued before slaves, after all, and Min has yet to actually voice any objections to slavery since she has joined up with the Seanchan)

30. Anyway, Min successfully throws a knife at the remaining Gray Man and Mat hauls an unconscious Tuon up over his shoulder, and we have sadly saved the head slaver's life yet again. "Never had [Min] been so happy to see a knife fly true." ????? I mean, I guess the idea is that saving Tuon means that Mat is willing to leave the burning tent but still... didn't she once save Rand's life during some event or other? Or maybe I imagined that and this is the first time Min's knife skills have ever been useful, idk.

31. Oh, and Siuan is dead. Happened when Min wasn't looking. So we traded Siuan's life for Tuon's. Not worth it. Min gets a break from being the Distressed Damsel because Rand isn't around and so Tuon gets assigned the role. I feel like... maybe the narrative should have focused on whatever it was that Siuan was doing to help there, instead of what Min did? Also, it seems somewhat convenient that Siuan died before she got a good look at Tuon, because Siuan has a Talent for seeing ta'veren.

32. I wish... I really wish that Sanderson had given us the compromise conversation between Tuon and Mat. I wish that we'd actually gotten that conversation on the page, instead of just implying that something has changed because Elayne notices the effects. Because then maybe I would also give a shit about Tuon instead of just kinda wishing that someone would let one of these assassins take her out.

33. Okay, our first ~Fortuona~ PoV since the week of planning that appeared to have led to compromises in her marriage with Mat. Let's see how things stand with little miss slaver. She refuses to be healed by damane herself, though she seems vaguely tolerant of the idea of other people being healed by them.

34. I have to roll my eyes over Fortuona thinking about how her slave-guard's 'honor' depends on her fatally punishing them for their failures. It's like how she pretended that she was the one who most regretted having had Selucia beaten a time or two back in her initial intro PoV, rather than the actual person who got their ass whipped. It's just toxic brain-vomit that speaks of how deeply conditioned Fortuona is by her culture. If she actually cared about any of them as people (she doesn't, of course; she cares about them as property that she owns) then she would care about trying to dismantle the part of their brainwashing culture that says that their lives should be forfeit if they have failed her.

Anyway, she assigns them to go off to be suicide troops in the battle. Oh, and Selucia is here now, in the aftermath, with an injury. So I guess she in the tent that whole time, it's just that no one mentioned her. Poor Selucia. She really has gone back to being nothing but Tuon's Voice.

35. Fortuona raises "Darbinda" aka Min to the Blood for saving her and Mat's life, and Min isn't impressed enough for her liking (I'm also not ever going to be using that name for Min again). "How like [Mat] she was. Stubbornly humble, these mainlanders. They were actually proud - proud - of their low-born heritage. Baffling." Have you- have you considered having an actual conversation with one of them about why? And about the name thing too -- both Min and Mat are people who actively choose to go by shortened versions of their names. Maybe ask them why they don't consider forcible re-naming to be an honor (and Fortuona should know that Mat feels that way, since she glared at him and willed him not to argue when she re-named him).

Though, of course, given that Fortuona Must Always Have Slaves Around Her at all times, having a conversation like that with Mat or Min becomes a bit trickier, because if they give good answers to her questions about why they don't care about being part of the Blood, Fortuona's slaves will hear those answers. That's a major downside to the whole "nothing is private (when you have slaves)" lifestyle that Fortuona is rocking. She probably doesn't even really understand what having privacy would be like (once again, I have to say what a huge mistake it was for Jordan to have Selucia along on the circus journey, because it meant that Tuon was still wallowing in her toxic slave-owner culture during that entire time period, because she always had a slave on tap to make sure that she kept The Mask up at all times). Because though Tuon doesn't see her slaves as people, she does always need to be The Owner when they are around (which is always).

36. Mat looks over to her and gives her a nod, to let her know that they should have their fake break-up fight now. Alas that it isn't a real break-up fight. So they fight over how Mat should have warned them all sooner that the tent wasn't safe. Interesting note: though many of the Seanchan look at Mat with "accusing" eyes after she lays her charge, Galgan frowns and Fortuona notes that he doesn't seem to agree with her accusation. "Impressive, that [Mat] had converted Galgan so quickly." Anyway, after a super-quick fight where Mat is just like "okay, fine, storm off in a tizzy if you want, see if I care"; Fortuona turns around and does just that.

37. Interesting that their fake fight actually got Mat's genuine temper up. And he wonders if Tuon was genuinely angry as well and if she will genuinely abandon the fight rather than come back as planned. Interestingly enough, Fortuona didn't have a single spark of genuine anger in her PoV. It was all her following the plan. So it sounds like the fight involved a lot more of Mat's genuine frustrations than it did Tuon's. "I've had it with you. You and your bloody Seanchan rules just keep getting in the way," does feel like a pretty accurate representation of how Mat has been feeling in a lot of the Seanchan-related scenes that he's been forcing himself to endure, yeah. But Fortuona assumed, in her PoV, that Mat was entirely acting and that none of his reactions were genuine -- "he was good at this". Mat and Tuon are still looking at each other and seeing someone completely different than the person who is really there.

38. What Mat says to Min here is also genuinely fascinating. I don't particularly like Mat & Tuon, even now, but I am finding them much more interesting (in a 'watching a bug through a glass' sort of way) than I ever found them in the Jordan books. Because Mat tells Min to "keep an eye on" Tuon and then clarifies that he doesn't mean in a "protection" way but in a "watch her" way. "She worries me, Min."

...I do kinda have to giggle at Mat saying that Tuon doesn't need protection and is a "strong one" when Mat literally just had to haul her unconscious ass out of a burning tent because she basically failed immediately when she went to go help him with the Gray Men. But, hey, I appreciate that Mat didn't let the narrative shoehorn Tuon into the role of his Personal Distressed Damsel even when it was clearly trying its hardest to force her into that position.

39. Oh, so Mat and MIN get a hug when they say goodbye. *eternal grumbles at how the ONLY PERSON who didn't get an emotionally appropriate reunion with Mat was his fucking best friend*

40. Ugh, is this where Mat starts calling her "Fortuona"? Because he's decided to take Karede's suicide troops into battle with him and Karede refuses to go with him if Mat won't call her "Fortuona"? I guess I'll wait and see if the way that he addresses her actually changes.

Anyway, Mat tells Karede to keep Mat alive "for Tuon" because he's "almost certain that she's fond of" him.

*gazes off into the distance, thinking about how everyone else that Tuon is 'fond' of is a slave that she owns and is fully willing to beat or order to their death if they fail her*

41. Bryne dying off-screen affects me a lot less than Siuan somehow managing to die off-screen in a scene that she was actively in. Elayne figures that Bryne's fit of rage that sent him running towards Trollocs and got him killed means that Siuan is dead.

Siuan and Moiraine never got to see each other again. 😭

(fingers crossed for her getting to take Thom's place as the watcher outside the cave in the show version, if we get to the ending)

42. Yeah, from what we've seen in every other PoV and perspective, Perrin is the only person who thinks that Elayne isn't good at tactics. So we can safely discount his opinion as just him being an asshole who thinks that the only woman worth listening to is his wife.

43. "The Shadow pushed with all its might. Humankind did not have days remaining, but hours."

44. A bolt of balefire attacks their camp, and Demandred loudly taunts "Lews Therin" that he is hunting "a woman you love". Of course, Rand can't respond to any of that, no matter how loudly Demandred echoes it across the battlefield with the Power. Birgitte grabs Elayne so that they can get somewhere secret and safe to regroup from, since Elayne herself is the main target now.

45. Of course, Galad can hear the threats and knows that Demandred is actively hunting his sister, so now he has twice the reason to try to kill the man -- killing his brother and trying to kill his sister. In order to get Demandred to fight him directly, Galad loudly proclaims his relationship to Rand. "[The Dragon Reborn] is not here, but his brother is!" And now Galad and Demandred will duel.

46. Mat finds out from Bashere that no one has heard from Faile. He wonders how he can possible finish off this battle without help from the Horn of Valere. ...maybe you shouldn't have deserted from the Last Battle at the start of the book, Mat? Just a thought. Mat yells at Bashere, which makes him grin and his wife give Mat a fond look -- hey, Mat, bet they'd be willing to let you be a third, especially if you yell at Bashere some more. Still healthier than your marriage with Tuon! Give it some consideration!

47. "He needed an army. And a gateway. He needed a bloody gateway. Fool, he thought. He had sent the damane away. Could he not at least have kept one? Though they did make his skin crawl as if it were covered in spiders." God, this is the first time since Winter's Heart that the narrative has let Mat openly think about how fucking creeped-out he is by damane and what the Seanchan do with them! Mat was so incredibly disturbed by the damane kennels in WH and then in CoT & KoD, he acted like it was the sul'dam who had the raw end of the deal. So, yeah, Mat's first chapter in AMoL had brain-breaking teleportation and he forgot half of his characterization until he was finally allowed out of fucking Ebou Dar (RIP any hopes of an emotionally-resonant Cauthor reunion), but we have seen, over the course of the last few chapters, the slow return of how incredibly disturbed and creeped-out Mat was over the damane system. This was the thing that Jordan essentially made Mat forget in order to get him to be willing to suck face with Tuon at the end of KoD, so it's really nice to see it coming back to life. Finally.

Maybe Min will also remember at some point how fucking awful the damane system is.

48. Oh, Mat gets to reunite with Loial now? *insert annoyed grumbles about how Mat & Rand is pretty much the only important relationship that got completely cheated by how Sanderson decided to do the plotting of AMoL*

Since I mention Rand:

Those dice kept ratting in his head. He also felt a pull from the north, a tugging, as if some threads around his chest were yanking on him.

Now now, Rand, he thought. I'm bloody busy.

No colors formed, only blackness. Dark as a Myrddraal's heart. The tugging grew stronger.

Mat dismissed the vision. Not. Now.

I feel so cheated that this ends up giving me nothing that I wanted, thanks! Why did we bother! I am vibing with so much of Mat's PoV in this book now that we're out of Light-forsaken Altara but I'm so frustrated by how much Sanderson is teasing something that I already know I will not actually get.

49. Mat gets to reunite with Teslyn here. Not that I am not thrilled to have Mat reunite with Teslyn because I am, but it does... frustrate me all over again, how shallow and limp the Cauthor reunion ended up being, all happening in the shadow of the slaver ball-and-chain. Every time Mat gets a better reunion with someone else, I feel cheated about his reunion with Rand all over again. Anyway, Mat is so happy to see Teslyn that he could kiss her. (he does not)

Teslyn is going to take Mat, Loial, & co up to the Heights. My brain wants to find something symbolic in the fact that after Mat sends away Tuon & the damane, the first channeler that he runs into is Teslyn and she is the one who is enabling all his battleground hopping as he sends out order after order.

Something, something, wrong road vs right road.

Tylin... Tuon... Teslyn. Women that Mat met in Ebou Dar who have similarly rhythmic 'T' names. Tuon was jealous of Joline but it was Teslyn who started the ball rolling on Mat helping the Aes Sedai escape Ebou Dar.

idk. Maiden, mother, crone vibes, but the maiden & the mother are both abusive?

50. Demandred and Galad duel; Demandred tries to taunt Galad about Gawyn's death in order to break his focus. Galad realizes that the main purpose of what he's doing here is keeping Demandred's focus off of the armies and off of Elayne. It's in Galad's best interests to last as long against Demandred as he can. Some more fighting happens but then Galad's arm gets cut off, and he too, has lost his duel against Demandred.

51. I've seen objections to Mat personally leading the fight at this point but -- the situation is pretty dire and his command tent was blown up. Maintaining a mobile unit and darting in and out of the battle seems like the best of the bad options at this point?

52. For the moment, Elayne and Birgitte are out of the direct line of the fight. Elayne is not currently flying her banner, but she's sent messages to her commanders to let them know she still lives. Then a fake band of refugees arrives, hiding Mellar, who still has his copy of the medallion and who is here because he is still obsessed with Elayne. She thinks here that he's "the one many people still assumed fathered her children". So Elayne sent out the "Rand is the baby-daddy" press release but some people actively chose to continue to believe that slimy Mellar was the daddy? Gross. He has, apparently, been trying to track Elayne down this entire time.

53. He kills Birgitte and the loss of the bond -- and the loss of her friend -- tears at Elayne. They also have another corpse -- a woman dressed to look like Elayne, with her hair color -- that they plan to parade around to pretend to everyone that Elayne is dead. His next plan is to cut her babies out of Elayne -- ah, this must be why we jumped her pregnancy so far ahead, so that it wouldn't be quite so ridiculous that her babies could be kept alive after this -- and TDO gets the kids while Mellar gets to keep Elayne.

54. Mat has requested that the Seanchan make their return to the battlefield but instead of doing that, Fortuona is taking some time to listen to her captains debate over the subject of returning. While people suffer and die on the battlefield.

55. ...Min thinks here, with no commentary, that a Captain Yulan "had been the one to lead the strike on Tar Valon". Do you... have any opinions on that, Min? No? No opinions. Okay, noted. Her only worry is that she's started to think of her viewings as 'omens'. She really does lose herself in other people so easily. For literally the first time ever, Min uses her viewings to try to suss out a spy. Wow, Rand would have found this extremely useful, Min! She notices that one of the random so'jihn (those are slaves, Min, btw, in case you've forgotten about the existence of slavery) has a bunch of images over her head the way that normally only Aes Sedai, Warders or ta'veren do.

56. Part of her wants to just try to stab the woman, but instead she goes to confront Fortuona, asking her to please define what a Truthspeaker is. Fortuona... reluctantly... allows that it's her job to call Fortuona out in public if she screws up. So Min turns to the Blood and says, "[Tuon] has abandoned the armies of humankind, and she withholds her strength in a time of need. Her pride will cause the destruction of all people, everywhere."

She calls out the member of the Blood that the spy has compelled while throwing a dagger at the spy -- which is caught mid-air using the Power. After Moghedien (I'm assuming) escapes, Min says that this shows that the Shadow is trying to keep them from the battle. "With that in mind, will you still pursue this course of indecision?"

57. Tuon does claim here that following this mandate that Min has pressed upon her is "follow[ing] what my heart would choose". Is that true? Who knows? At least she's going back. Tuon also seems to regret slightly that she's now placed someone into the position of Truthspeaker who doesn't have the kind of trained-in deference that Selucia had. Grass is always greener.

Question: does Tuon's 'heart' matter if she still actively chooses evil unless her feet are held to the fire? That is the sort of... moral question that I feel like should have been at play way earlier in the Mat & Tuon relationship. Sanderson is actually using the basic foundations of Mat & Tuon to much greater emotional complexity than we saw at work in CoT & KoD but because it's happened after we already saw that stagnant Tuon in those two books... it's hard for this to feel earned by the narrative. It works a lot better if I close my eyes and try to imagine that we had a better lead-up in the earlier books, lol.

58. Mat learns that Egwene has died (Blood and bloody ashes, Mat thought. Egwene. Not Egwene too? It hit him like a punch to the face.) and half the Aes Sedai have exhausted themselves too much to keep channeling but all the Sharan channelers have been taken out of the picture. Then we also witness Mat's coping mechanism in action -- when his mind wanders back to Egwene, he abruptly cuts the thought off. "No thinking of that right now". Instead, he forces his mind back to business and asks if they've gotten any new troops from Mayene, healed up and ready to fight again. Lan says that he'll check.

59. Then Mat digs in his saddlebags, pulling out Rand's banner, "the one of the ancient Aes Sedai" and he tells them, "Somebody hoist this thing up. We're fighting in Rand's bloody name. Let's show the Shadow we're proud of it."

So many things that could be said here. Frustrating how late this happens? I guess that's my main feeling here, which is a shame. I wish that it could feel more triumphant for me, but this is essentially where Mat already was before he had his weird teleportation to Ebou Dar at the start of AMoL, so it's mostly just me being frustrated that none of this was allowed to exist when Rand was actually here for Mat to interact with him. Mat's friendship with Rand disappeared from the narrative just long enough to avoid us actually getting any kind of emotionally-resonant scene between them and that just... will probably always be something that I will find deeply regretful about the choices Sanderson made in this book.

But I don't want to hold onto my frustration forever, I guess. Mat really has gotten a lot better over the last few chapters. I will choose to be glad that Mat has gotten to a better place again with Rand, even if it's still bizarre that he suddenly backtracked on him at the start of this book.

60. Mat is hoping that his luck will come through when another messager brings news. The Queen of Andor is reported dead. (Bloody ashes! Not Elayne! Mat felt a lurch inside. Rand... I'm sorry.) Just like with Egwene, though, he doesn't let any of that emotion show through to the soldiers, only asking the messenger who is now in charge of the battlefield.

61. He wonders if he might not be able to win even if the Seanchan do return. If it might not be better to let the Seanchan/Fortuona hunker down in Ebou Dar and... die anyway in a few weeks or months? lol, that's not a mercy for them, Mat. But he did just hear that two people he cares about deeply are dead, so I'll give him a little slack for momentarily wishing that he didn't have to call Tuon back to her potential death too, even if he's still never given me anything he actually likes about her besides "hot enough to have sex with".

...oh, and he then learns here that Lan disobeyed his orders and went off to head towards Demandred on his own.

But Mat moves forward with his plan anyway, even though he's fairly sure it won't be enough.

Horn of Valere Team (Faile; Olver)

Faile & co run across a camp in the Blasted Lands that is being used as a supply station for the Shadow's army.

Aravine betrays the group and is a Darkfriend. I am... struggling to remember who she is. brb, will check the wiki. ahhh, she's one of the people that Faile met while she was a captive of the Shaido; a fellow captive. Anyway, Darkfriend, and she finds the Horn in Faile's bag at this point and says that she will deliver it to "Lord Demandred". Olver gets free and stabs the woman who is keeping Faile captive.

Faile grabs a horse (miraculously, it is Bela) and gives chase after Aravine, soon joined by Harnan and Vanin. She accuses them of trying to steal the Horn but they protest that they were only trying to steal the tabac that they thought she was carrying, because Mat owes them money, and seeing the Horn in there came as a huge shock to them (which is why they dropped it and didn't take it with them when they ran).

She throws a knife at Aravine's back and recovers the Horn. She finds Olver again, but they are being hunted by the Shadow's forces, who now know they have the Horn. She gives the Horn to Olver and tells him to get it to Mat. Then she gets back on a different horse (not Bela), making sure that the sack she carries is obvious, and heads off on distraction duty.

So Olver has the Horn. He's pretty stressed because now he's all alone again, as the Darkfriends and Trollocs chase after Faile. "How brave he had thought himself. Now, here he was, finally at the battle. He could barely keep his hands from trembling. He wanted to hide, dig deep into the earth."

A Trolloc discovers him and Olver sees Bela still there and runs for her, wishing he had a horse that looked faster. He races towards where he can see Mat's banners on the horizon, but more Trollocs keep appearing. And Bela gets shot by a Trolloc arrow and goes down. He tries racing up the mountain to reach Mat's banners but they're so far away. He finds a crevasse and wedges himself into it, trying to push deep enough that he's out of the reach of the Trollocs. Poor kid. This is all incredibly traumatizing for him.

He couldn't stop shaking. He also couldn't make himself move. He trembled, terrified, as the beasts pried at him with filthy fingers, digging closer and closer.

Other Misc PoVs

We get a Tam PoV that continues to have zero acknowledgement of the whole "Tam knows he's going to be a grandfather" thing. It's just weird at this point.

Okay, what Uno thinks about Mat ("He still didn't understand why anyone would put Cauthon in charge of anything. He remembered that boy, always snapping at people, eyes sunken in his head. Half-dead, half-spoiled.") should also have been what Min remembered about Mat. The last time they both saw him was around that same time period of Falme, when Mat was deep in the grip of the dagger-sickness. This is the Mat that Min would have met!

Perrin wakes up and is told that they were able to heal him so that he wouldn't die and will recover but that's all they can do for him. Healing needs to be saved for other people too, so "your participation in the Last Battle is over". And then he goes back to sleep, but regular sleep this time.

Graendal collects Rhuarc as one of her pets. 😭

...why am I supposed to care that Demandred has feelings for women (or, I guess, A Woman)? I really have absolutely no reason to care about Demandred's love life. Why am I being told any of this? Was someone worried that readers would think Demandred was gay for obsessing so much over Lews Therin, so a "Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?" moment was thrown in to avoid that? It does seem put in to deliberately contrast for his, uh, "burning passion that was his hatred for Lews Therin".

Another possibility is that this is a relationship meant to foil/reflect Mat and Tuon's? Shendla sounds just as willfully delusional about her future with ~her Wyld~ as Mat always sounds when he's thinking about his Fictional Tuon Girl. "Oh, just because you do evil things and control an evil army of literal horrors doesn't make you evil, darling! Just because you own slaves command Shadowspawn doesn't make you bad, sweetheart! The evil things that you do don't define you! You can do evil things and be a super-great person! I believe in you!"

We get another Tam PoV where he doesn't think at all about his impending post-Last Battle grandfatherhood.

Our third Tam PoV. No acknowledgement of Elayne's pregnancy and how Rand has been announced to be the father. We have time for Tam to run into Lan and for Lan to be all "ah, the blademaster who gave Rand his sword earned the title" but no time to think about Tam's actual upcoming grandkids. It's so weird how disconnected Elayne's pregnancy manages to be from Rand's plotline even after Rand and her entire army all know about the pregnancy and that Rand is the father! Somehow, this plotline is still only considered relevant to Elayne herself and not relevant to Rand or Tam at all????

Androl pickpockets Taim for the true seals, I think? I feel like maybe Sanderson should have leaned into the pickpocketing thing for Androl. tbh, this plotline has felt pretty pointless, lol. The Asha'man could have just been part of the army in the other plotlines and nothing of value really would have been lost.

Okay so... why are the Sharan channelers such experts in war, anyway? Because it doesn't sound like they've constantly been having civil wars, the way that the Seanchan have, so where have they been getting their experience in fighting? You can't become an expert fighter in a vacuum.

The Band has been secretly hidden in caverns deep underground so that they can work on repairing the dragons (with Aludra's expertise guiding the way, of course), waiting on Mat's order (with Asha'man and gateways to get them out again) for them to attack once more.

The Tuatha'an work as battlefield triage, going through the bodies trying to find those who are only wounded and might be saved. "The Way of the Leaf was an easy master at times, providing a life of joy and peace. But a leaf fell in calm winds and in the tempest; dedication demanded that one accept the latter as well as the former."

Raen asks Ila what they would have asked these people to do, in the face of Trollocs. Ila says that they could have run. That there was no need for them to fight here, right at the cusp of the Blight. Raen says that the Trollocs would have followed. "We have accepted many masters. The Shadow might treat us poorly, but would it really be worse than we have been treated at the hands of others?" Ila asks, but Raen disagrees. "It would have been worse. I am not going to abandon the Way, Ila. It is my path and it is right for me. Perhaps... perhaps I will not think quite so poorly of those who follow another path." Ah. They're talking about/mourning Aram. Ila says, "I shouldn't have turned my back on him. I should have tried to help him return to us, not cast him out." She had always felt as if she knew the answers in life. Today, most of those had slipped from her. Saving a person's life though... that she could cling to. She headed back among the bodies, searching for the living among the dead.

Galad ends up in the Mayane hospital. I wonder if he still has his copy of the medallion. I assume he does. Not sure when he'd have had a chance to give it back.

Ah, asked and answered. Berelain finds the medallion around Galad's neck as he whispers "back to Cauthon", so she takes the medallion and heads off at a brisk pace.

Loial and Erith take a moment to rest together before the final charge of the Last Battle. Loial has managed to take notes here and there, for a story that he'd like to pretend that he'll still get to write. "There was no harm to such a little lie."

The night grows darker as Lan charges towards Demandred and we pass our final Tam PoV of this chapter... still no mention of the fact that he knows he's going to have grandkids. (or the news going through the army that Elayne is reported dead? or anything like that?)

18. Ah, Lan was the one who received the note from Berelain with the medallion - I do not know how Galad ended up with this, but I believe he wished me to send it to Cauthon. I wish that Lan had cleared this plan with Mat tbh! But anyway, Lan does have three things here as he faces off with Demandred: one that Gawyn had (he's a Warder, with that boost in endurance) and one that Galad had (a medallion to protect him from weaves) plus he also has twenty years of experience fighting at the side of an Aes Sedai in a quest to locate the Dragon Reborn. It sounds very much like his reasoning is the same as Gawyn and Galad as well -- this is a necessary job, and I'm a person who is already here and can be risked to do that job.

19. "Lan held nothing back." He knows that he can't afford to give Demandred time to think, so he just goes for a relentless assault. Demandred does pretty quickly figure out the 'just channel things at him' trick, so Lan is dealing with dodging rocks as well. Demandred is just so certain that anyone who can hold their own against him is Lews Therin! It's honestly been kinda the comic relief of this chapter.

20. Then he uses one of the lessons that he taught Rand (that Rand used in his battle against Ishamael in Falme) -- he deliberately lets Demandred stab him so that he can get close enough to stab his own sword through Demandred's throat.

The world grew dark as Lan slipped backward off the sword. He felt Nynaeve's fear and pain as he did, and he sent his love to her.

[vynegar]

chapter nine analysis/discussion

I found an interesting discussion/analysis post on chapter 9, so I figured I’d post about it in the same vein as my previous post about a fan theory. This will be more paraphrasing and summarizing rather than a full translation. First is the bilibili post, then below that will be my own thoughts on it and the chapter.

my usual disclaimers; I’m not fluent, there will be mistakes and especially with this type of post I won’t be agonizing over precise word choice, just the overall argument. check my masterlist for more translation and analysis.

[Tears of Themis | Main Story Chapter 9 “Grey Frontier” Plot Discussion and Analysis by 日和风物诗. Originally posted to bilibili on July 5, 2022.]

Chapter 9 feels like the calm before the storm. Even though MC doesn't have all the information and the writers haven't given us an omniscient POV, we still learned a lot. This chapter is probably a transition chapter, but still plays an important role that is worth analyzing.

1. Why the atmosphere among the NXX members has changed

This chapter feels strange right from the start when Luke and Marius are outside Tyson Turner's hospital room. Although everyone argued with other before, it's unusual for them to be so direct and to bring up "rich people" so often. Them deliberately talking like this feels deeply disconcerting.

And then there's Artem, whose attitude as changed the most. He was indifferent at NXX HQ when telling Luke he was busy, then at the police station he was aggressive and overbearing and even suddenly became Harper's attorney. He's like a completely different person from when he warmly encouraged MC over the phone, confusing both the audience and MC.

Now let's sort out some relevant details. First is the night before Artem's attitude changed, when he hesitated over the phone, paused, then said "I believe you can handle all of this well." This sentence seems normal, but MC (who has a sharp intuition) feels the deeper meaning behind it. Clearly he was referring to something more dangerous than just the online harassment.

The next day in the HQ, Artem deliberately picked the farthest chair, rejected MC's offer to help, avoided her gaze, and was extremely distant when leaving, as if afraid that MC would persist in trying to work with him and get involved in something dangerous.

As for Artem becoming Harper's defense attorney, his confrontation with Luke and MC at the police station actually reminded me of "Day and Night" when Artem pretended to be part of the enemy to obtain key information – similar aggression, similar scene opening – so this time he's probably doing something similar. That is, he is "acting", and under some scrutiny, we can see some clues toward that.

For example, he shook his head at MC to stop her when she was about to hold Luke back from questioning Harper, and he didn't do anything when Harper looked to him for help. On the surface, Artem is protecting his client's rights, but in reality, he's helping Luke obtain key info from Harper, the source of the drugs.

This feels familiar. Think back to the "standoff" between Marius and Luke in the hospital. On the surface Luke is mocking Marius, but in reality he's reminding Marius about his button and returns it to him.

Everyone in NXX is in a different position with their own things to protect, so it's natural for the occasional conflict to occur like between Marius and Artem over Neil Hume's disappearance. However, this apparent hostility and indifference really seems disconcerting and deliberate, and the timing of everyone's estrangement clearly isn't mature. Thus, Vyn and Marius are absent from routine meetings for the first time, and the sudden confrontation between members seems even more abnormal. However, looking at the notes on the case files [in the NXX HQ in the game], we can find that everyone is still getting along like before.

So with that, it's not hard to conclude that everyone is acting. Now the question is, who is the act for?

The biggest suspect is NSB.

At HQ, Artem told us that part of access to the Big Data Lab was transferred to the NSB's special investigation group. They locked all the cases related to NXX and even had Luke investigate any abnormalities in Pax. One important thing is that Luke wasn't even previously informed about the NSB investigation team, which he thinks is because he had gotten "too close" to NXX members. NSB might think that Luke isn't on the same side as them anymore and is wary of him, and this could just be the reason that everyone is acting. Luke is also meant to investigate Pax, so he shouldn't be too close to the object of his investigation in order to remain impartial. And if Artem is truly trying to infiltrate the enemy, then it's even more necessary for him to distance himself from us, both NXX and NSB.

Second is the mastermind represented by Jerome Adams and Wilson Sorge. NXX has already been exposed to them, and feigning internal conflict may confuse their focus. At the same time, because NXX is unsure of how much they know about NXX's members, they can use smokescreens to avoid any unnecessary involvements. But Jerome said that he works at Gladiolus Valley Research Center, which is run by the city government. Unless he and Wilson are working behind the back of the research center, the conspiracy may have to do with the city government. This leads to an even scarier idea.

What if the NSB, Jerome, and Wilson are all connected? What if there's a mole in the NSB?

Then that incident Luke was involved in where a group of people died from contaminated drugs could also have something to do with this.

2. The Identity of Oedipus

My initial guess was Jerome Adams. First, he has the pharmaceutical resources, and second, he is often in that hospital, so it would be easy for him to give Harper the drugs and note. Finally, he also has the motive: if the drugs he gave Luke were really the antidote, then his purpose could be using Luke as a "test subject" to study the effects of the drug. And when Luke met with Aaron, his feeling that there was someone watching him could be from being watched. Or they could be wanting to control Luke and use him for their purposes. Either possibility is frightening.

3. The Problem of MC's Participation

I saw many people saying that they didn't feel a sense of participation in chapter 9, that MC was in the dark the whole time, far away from the truth and core of the case, like she was being "protected" by everyone. Although this is true to some extent, this "outsider" perspective is uncomfortable.

But think back to how we joined NXX in the first place. The three existing members of NXX all had different viewpoints on Neil Hume's disappearance, so they had to bring in someone else in order to be impartial.

So from the start, we've always been in this position – we can't become overly involved in any one side, just like how Themis must independently and impartially make judgments.

Our personal background is also less complicated than the other members. We have fewer restrictions so we can deal with the matters as they are, without getting too caught up in external forces. As the saying goes, sometimes you're too close to something to be able to see it clearly, and as an observer who hasn't fully become involved, we'll be able to clearly see the things they can't and more objectively analyze each side's interests.

In short, just like Artem told us that night before the meeting: "I believe you can handle all of this well." They trust you enough to let you play such a crucial role.

[end of post]

--

This is pretty long as I comment on the points that are discussed, but also just talk about things that I thought of during the chapter. Tl;dr I agree that it’s probably an act, and the likeliest reason is some combination of Jerome’s side and NSB. But lots of other details and tangents are discussed.

1. Why the atmosphere among the NXX members has changed

I agree that the antagonism between the members is probably just an act. Despite their disagreements and small quips at each other, they calm down and cooperate peacefully when it comes to the important things. Therefore, when we see them being so openly aggressive while protecting each other almost secretively (Marius’s button and Luke questioning Harper), it’s a signal that something is going on.

The post makes an apt connection to “Day and Night” SSR when Artem works for a suspect in order to lure them out and advance the investigation. In one scene he also acts cold, arrogant, and aggressive in order when up against MC, in order to seem fully on the enemy’s side. The events in this card can pretty much be read in the exact same way.

(I also initially thought that this might not even be him trying to proactively obtain more information on the enemy, but just maintain what control that NXX has already. With the NSB locking out their access to other NXX-related cases and poised to take over investigation, Artem may be involving himself just to make sure they still have eyes on this case. That way he’ll be present for any leads that may appear, and he can ensure nothing suspicious happens like destruction/suppression of clues or evidence. Possibly he discovered Harper’s possible connection to NXX drugs through his own independent investigation and began to act.)

In addition to “Day and Night” being a prior example of acting aggressive, Chapter 9 itself also has an examples. Luke’s behavior at the juvenile correctional facility shows us that unusual aggression from one of the characters can be because they have a hidden purpose that is rooted in trying to help the other.

It is interesting that while Artem appeared indifferent to MC in public, Marius was able to switch back into his usual playful self towards her at the NSB questioning. However, Marius is still just representing Pax’s interests and his connection to MC is probably publicly documented from his trial, whereas Artem is supposed to be representing Harper now.

This connects with a very astute point made in the post, that NXX does not know how much their enemy knows. MC is clearly aware of this too when speaking with Jerome in the hospital. Since she’s not sure if Jerome saw what happened, and the NXX members’ identities are quite sensitive, she decides to hide the others’ involvement and say that she and Vyn evacuated on a boat, since Jerome had already seen Vyn during the normal course of the cruise.

It may explain why some relationships can seem quite normal (if they’ve already been exposed), while others may have to keep up the hostile act. For example, anyone who knows about Luke’s personal life would know that he’s close with MC, and Jerome already saw Vyn and MC together so she can mention him when talking about that night. However, whoever’s watching NXX might not know how close Artem and MC are beyond work partners, or may not know the relationship between the NXX men. For possible unknown relationships, NXX may be keeping their distance as much as possible.

One thing this chapter has showed, though, is that Jerome already seems to know quite a bit about Marius and how he operates, to the point that he knows how to manipulate Marius into paying someone’s medical fees. It’s definitely possible that Jerome’s side is keeping a close eye on Maruis and that Marius and Vincent’s communications are somehow compromised, since paying those medical fees was something Marius had Vincent handle privately.

Marius being watched also explained some parts that made me question the “acting” theory. His sarcasm when saying that he and NSB are on “the same side” seems to show genuine displeasure, but could be explained by frustration at NSB taking over the investigation and not really toward Luke. What stood out more was when Marius said that the “kind soul” (Luke) only gave back the button because it could no longer be used against him, making it sound like Luke was keeping leverage against Marius. However, it could also be read as them keeping so much distance that this was the first opportunity Luke had to return the button, and Marius just put his own spin on the situation to suit the “act.” In that case, it seems like Marius still maintains the act even alone with Vincent, as if he suspects that they are under surveillance. (Vincent as a mole is a possibility that has often crossed my mind, since he has access to so much information, but I just don’t think he is.)

Finally, checking the case files is a very clever idea. They seem mostly normal, except Vyn has one sharp comment on Gerard Boone’s file (“Think less and do more.”), though honestly I’m not sure who or what exactly he’s referring to. It could just also be Vyn being Vyn (see Rio’s personnel file, “…you didn’t just give me an order, right? at Artem). On Harper’s case though, Vyn is also surprised that Artem took her case.

I joked that Vyn actually comes out of this chapter looking pretty normal. Mainly because he appeared only in one short scene, where he was also in a private setting and mostly spoke with MC, and partially because he’s normally Like That (affectionate). His surprised comment about Artem really shows how independently the NXX members are currently operating though, and it almost feels like Vyn is less involved in the hostile performance than the others. This makes sense, seeing as any interests that Vyn might be representing (like Svart) haven’t come into play (…yet?) and as Adjudicator of NXX, impartiality would also be important for him.

As for NSB or Jerome being the ones watching their “act”, I don’t have much to add. NSB has been pressuring Pax, wary of Luke, and taking over the investigation; it’s not a stretch to imagine them taking that suspicion one step further. Jerome already seems to be watching them to some extent, as discussed earlier about Marius. I think any connection between the two is still firmly in speculation territory, and it may just be that Jerome’s role in the research center allows him access to the resources he needs. However, I do like how OP looked into the BDL entry for extra clues, like in the case files too. It reminds me of how Svart is noted to have a well-developed pharmaceutical industry in its BDL entry, relevant in that first fan theory I posted about.

Just one possibility for whoever might be watching them: Irene Burke revealed in the Inspection Chapter (8.5) that Tyson Turner gave her photos of Vyn and instructed her to get rid of him as the last member of the original NXX investigation team. Although Turner is dead now, this is still a line of thinking that we can consider, as NXX has clearly been surveilled before.

2. Identity of Oedipus

I think Jerome (or someone related to his side) is our best guess for this so far. I’ll go on a little tangent in this section since we’ve actually seen another Oedipus before in the story, in Luke’s personal story. In Greek mythology, Oedipus solved the Sphinx’s riddle, making the Sphinx kill herself. The Oedipus in Luke’s personal story also went up against Sphynx, though there, the Sphynx was victorious. However, it seems like these two Oedipuses are probably completely different people in completely separate storylines, seeing as their purposes don’t seem to have anything in common.

This chapter is our clearest confirmation that the personal storylines are completely separate from the main storylines, which is painfully demonstrated by MC not knowing about Aaron or Luke’s illness. It’s necessary considering the romance in the personal stories, but I had privately considered the non-romantic events of the blossom chapters as canon. Seeing almost two years of character development being undone in the main story, especially with Luke still trying to push away MC, is… so sad. I can’t help but wonder how the other LIs are doing – is imperfection still unacceptable to Vyn, is Marius still considering letting go of his identity as Z, has Artem learned how to balance his work with pursuing his own emotions?

3. The Problem of MC's Participation

Honestly, I dislike it when all the LIs are trying to shelter MC to keep her “safe,” but this post made me think of it in a different way. Yes, she’s excluded from some key aspects of the investigation and also kept in the dark. However, because she is genuinely not involved in the tricky balance of representing different interests, she’ll be the last one remaining if NSB (or some other entity) do start trying to impede the members from investigating due to the interests they each represent. If NXX specifically agreed to keep MC safe in this way, then they’re protecting her because they trust her to save the investigation if they’re ever besieged from all sides. Time will tell if this is the direction the writers intended, but this is a somber enough explanation for Artem’s phone call encouragement, and I would really love to see this kind of development.

[kidcapes]

Shin Megami Tensei's Canon Ending

Happy 31st birthday to Shin Megami Tensei (10/30)!

To celebrate, I made a video called "Shin Megami Tensei's Canon Ending" investigating the events between SMT1 and 2 and discussing the evidence for the popular fan-theory that the Neutral route is the canon ending to the original Shin Megami Tensei.

For the video, I had a short Q&A interview with ATLUS contractor  Nobuyuki Shioda, who's worked on several MegaTen books since 1992 to see his opinion on the topic. If you're interested, I'll be posting that discussion below.

I'd recommend watching the video before coming to any conclusion based on the following information. The interview was premised around me just going over all of the evidence that points to Neutral being the canon route before asking his opinion on the topic, so there's no mention of any counter-evidence in this discussion. This will also feature minor spoilers for SMT1, 2, and Raidou 1. ——————————————————————————————————

Context

I’m not familiar with the Japanese fanbase, but the Western fanbase generally considers the Neutral route to be the only SMT1 ending that could lead directly to SMT2. 

This idea is largely based on story events introduced by SMT2. Its manual talks about how between the events of SMT1 and before the Messians gained power, Tokyo was a free society where both Messians and Gaeans were welcome. 

In SMT2 Game Boy Advance's Visionary Items, the character Madam's butler talks about having a master who was opposed to the Center and helped build Valhalla. This is assumed to be referring to the Hero, SMT1’s protagonist. In the original game, he has a statue dedicated to him in the Valhalla Colosseum and Madam is shown to work with Cerberus, the Hero's pet demon. 

Later, in "Raidou Kuzunoha vs the Soulless Army" in the Akarana Corridor, there is a spirit in the year 203X who says, “Thank goodness for the unification. My wife was a Messiah [Messian], y’know. We owe a lot to that schoolboy with the gadget on his arm, who defeated all the gods and demons.” This mention of God and the devil may be referring to Law and Chaos. 

Finally, there is an English guide for Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne titled “Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne - Official Strategy Guide” that contains a detailed history of the series which says: “It [SMT2] presumes a world where the original game’s protagonist took a Neutral alignment and founded a utopian society whose citizens were free to follow whatever beliefs they chose.” However, when I went to check the Japanese version of this guide, this entire section of the book was missing.

This is all of the evidence I can think of that points towards a possible “true” Neutral ending for SMT1 into SMT2.

Questions

——What’s your initial opinion of the idea that Neutral has to be the route that the SMT1 Hero chose which led to SMT2?

“Since Neutral is presented in a way that can be easily perceived as a so-called ‘true ending,’ it is probably only ‘theoretically possible’ that the sequel is an extension of it.”

——Do you think this evidence points towards the Neutral route making the most sense?

“As mentioned above, it is likely that regardless of whether or not the story of SMT1 ends 'in the extreme', it would have stabilized in a way that would lead to SMT2, even if the outcome appeared to be different at the end of SMT1. Likely, whether or not it ‘makes sense’ is a low priority.”

——If you agree with the previous question, why do you personally think the staff would've chosen this?

“I believe that each staff member has different views. However, I suppose they might consider it ‘undesirable’ to announce it in an official statement.”

——In MegaTen Maniacs, what did the writer mean by “royal road” [王道] in this passage: 

“If the existence that created the world is lost, the survival of that world would undoubtedly be called into question, but it can be said that daring to do so and opening up the future with one's own hands is the “royal road” to take in the story. However, the route structure of ‘MegaTen,’ which branches off into ‘Law,’ ‘Neutral,’ and ‘Chaos,’ is a severe constraint that prevents the story from being summed up in terms of the “royal road” alone. For example, although the ideal model of the Neutral route may end up on the “royal road,” an ending that is biased toward Law or Chaos would be unacceptable from the player's perspective unless a ‘different ideal’ can be presented.”  

How is Neutral similar to this “royal road”?

“The term ‘royal road’ is used as a general pattern of storytelling in ‘other (non-MegaTen)’ RPGs. I think that the form of story that the creators wanted to write is close to ‘royal road’ as the ‘ideal model’ of what should be presented.”

——If Neutral can be viewed as the ideal route, can we assume that the SMT1 Hero chose it?

“Although it is an imaginative story, and not everyone will agree with it, being unbiased is a kind of virtue, and even Buddhism respects it by calling it the ‘Middle Way,’* which I understand is appropriate for a protagonist.”

——In MegaTen Maniacs, you mentioned that you could not comment on what ending the Hero chose in SMT1. Did you have a specific reason for saying this?

“‘MegaTen Maniacs’ is an official book, but it can be said that in Japan it is difficult to appreciate this kind of content in a text. This is especially true for such a young culture as video games. I also think that ATLUS did not have enough time to examine this writing (mainly due to the lateness of my manuscript), given the limited time available for publication. In that sense, these texts are my texts that I wrote. They may be officially approved considerations, but they are not identical to what the production staff had in mind.

To answer your question, I could say that 'it was better without it,' but since the book was a publication of material that allows players to understand that such points were considered in the production process, I believe they would have deeper gaming experience if they were to play the game again with that understanding.”

——In Ayakashi Monthly Special Final Issue, a comment on the Nocturne draft mentions that SMT2 is a parallel world to SMT1. It is sometimes said that if... or Devil Summoner and Persona are parallel worlds to SMT1. Is this a similar scenario to those games? 

However, I can also see this statement metaphorically referencing ATLUS staff explaining about how SMT2's setting was purposefully meant to be vaguely set after SMT1. 

What is your opinion on the idea that SMT2 is in a parallel world of SMT1?

“This one had a generous editing period, and Atlus also took the time to check the text on top of the content checks by ‘Famitsu,’ which was also editing the book.

From the viewpoint of game development, describing it as 'parallel' means that it can be influenced by the actions of the player. This is what the use of 'parallel' means in this text, and is separate from a parallel in the narrative itself. The expression 'SMT2 is a parallel world to SMT1' has been used in promotional materials since the release of SMT2 on the SNES, and I also use it in my articles, but I think it means that SMT2 can accommodate any state of personal swing** [or outcome chosen] by a SMT1 player.”

——If we assume that it's specifically the Neutral ending of SMT1 that actually led to SMT2 based on the previous statements, do you think that this retroactively makes Neutral the "true" ending for SMT1?

“Close to it, I would say. Not completely, perhaps. I think it is something that has never existed in the history of Japanese game software.”

——What opinion concerning SMT1's "true" ending do you see the most among the Japanese fanbase?

“I think the majority of Japanese players see a 'True End' as a 'longer (in a sense) and more compelling ('favorable') ending' than the other endings. In that sense, I think SMT1's Neutral route meets the criteria. It is also, even if not consciously, the 'Middle Way'. I think that many players who enjoy MegatTen like to think about the significance of such works, but I don't think that there are many who exchange and examine their opinions (each Megaten fan may have their own unique interpretation).”

——Just to clarify, do you have any opinion on how a canon route for SMT1 may relate to those specific quotes from SMT2 or Raidou 1?

“Raidou 1 is cleverly made, but I don't think it's anything more than one part of the multiverse, as it was retroactively added to the initial conception of the narrative framework. 

SMT2 is also a story that was considered from the beginning to some extent, but changes occurred during its production, so fundamentally, there is no perfect continuity. 

It can be said that there is no such thing.”

* The Middle Way is a Buddhist concept that preaches moderation in everything as the key to enlightenment. This is referenced in Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse by Stephen. **  The word used here is 振れ幅, which means imprecision or variance, so when he says “personal variables” he’s essentially referring to someone's headcanon or fan-theory.

Original Text

——What’s your initial opinion of the idea that Neutral has to be the route that the SMT1 Hero chose which led to SMT2?

「 Neutralはいわゆる「真のエンディング」と捉えやすい形で提示されているため、続編がその延長線上にあるというのは、「理論的に可能」ということに過ぎないのではないでしょうか。」

——Do you think this evidence points towards the Neutral route making the most sense?

「 前述したように、SMT1の物語は「極論すれば」どう終わったとしても、SMT1の終わりの時点では異なるエンディングに見えても、SMT2に繋がる形に落ち着いていた、とも考えられます。恐らく、「理にかなっている」かどうかは価値観の順列としては低いのではないのでしょうか。」

——If you agree with the previous question, why do you personally think the staff would've chosen this?

「スタッフは人それぞれで異なる見解を持っていると思います。ただし、公式なステートメントではそれを発表することは「望ましくない」」と考えているかもしれませんね。」

——In MegaTen Maniacs, what did the writer mean by “royal road” [王道] in this passage: 

“If the existence that created the world is lost, the survival of that world would undoubtedly be called into question, but it can be said that daring to do so and opening up the future with one's own hands is the “royal road” to take in the story. However, the route structure of ‘MegaTen,’ which branches off into ‘Law,’ ‘Neutral,’ and ‘Chaos,’ is a severe constraint that prevents the story from being summed up in terms of the “royal road” alone. For example, although the ideal model of the Neutral route may end up on the “royal road,” an ending that is biased toward Law or Chaos would be unacceptable from the player's perspective unless a ‘different ideal’ can be presented.”  

How is Neutral similar to this “royal road”?

「王道という言葉は、一般的な「他の（メガテン以外の）」RPGにおける物語のパターンという意味で使っています。制作者たちの書きたかった物語の形が、提示すべき「理想形」として「王道」に近いのだと思っています。 」

——If Neutral can be viewed as the ideal route, can we assume that the SMT1 Hero chose it?

「 イメージ的な話で誰にでもそれが好ましいというわけではあせんが、偏りがないことは一種の美徳ではあり、仏教でも中道と呼んで尊重するところがあり、主人公としてふさわしいと理解できます。」

——In MegaTen Maniacs, you mentioned that you could not comment on what ending the Hero chose in SMT1. Did you have a specific reason for saying this?

「公式の書籍である『メガテンマニアクス』ですが、日本ではこうした内容の文章を評価することが難しいと言うことができます。特にゲームという年若い文化では余計にそうだと思います。また発行まで時間のない中ではアトラスさんには、この文章を吟味する時間が足りなかったと思います（主に、���の原稿が遅かったことに原因があります）。そういう意味では、こうしたテキストは書いた私の文章だと思います。公式に認められた考察ではあるかもしれませんが、制作スタッフの考えていたことと同一ではありません。

質問の回答としては、「それはなくても良かった」、とも言えますが、制作していく上でそういった点も考えられているということが理解できる資料を公開した書籍ですから、理解してまた遊んでいただけるなら、より深いゲーム体験になるのではないかと思います。」

——In Ayakashi Monthly Special Final Issue, a comment on the Nocturne draft mentions that SMT2 is a parallel world to SMT1. It is sometimes said that if... or Devil Summoner and Persona are parallel worlds to SMT1. Is this a similar scenario to those games? 

However, I can also see this statement metaphorically referencing ATLUS staff explaining about how SMT2's setting was purposefully meant to be vaguely set after SMT1. 

What is your opinion on the idea that SMT2 is in a parallel world of SMT1?

「 こちらの方が編集期間には余裕があって、テキストについても編集をしている「ファミ通」の内容チェックの上で、アトラスさんも時間をかけてチェックをされています。

ゲームを制作する上では、「パラレル」と表現することは、プレイヤーの行動によって左右されることも含みます。物語じょうにあるパラレルとは別のものといえます。このテキストでのパラレルという表現は、そうした意図で書いています。「『真II』が『真I』のパラレルワールドであると」いう言葉はSFCの真IIの発売当時からプロモーションの中でも表現としてあったもので、私も記事中で使っていますが、真Iのプレイヤーによるパーソナルな振れ幅のどの状態にも真IIは対応している、ということだと考えています。」

——If we assume that it's specifically the Neutral ending of SMT1 that actually led to SMT2 based on the previous statements, do you think that this retroactively makes Neutral the "true" ending for SMT1?

「 それに近い、とは言えるでしょう。完全に、ではないかもしれません。たぶん、日本のゲームソフトの歴史の上にはなかったものだと思います。」

——What opinion concerning SMT1's "true" ending do you see the most among the Japanese fanbase?

「日本人のプレイヤーの大半は、『トゥルーエンド』は他のエンドよりも「（ある意味）長く、説得力のある（好ましい）エンディング」といった考え方と理解していると思います。そういう意味で真IのNEUTRALは条件に合致していると思います。意識してはいなかったとしても、「中道」であることもです。メガテンを好むフレイヤ―はそういった作品の意味性について考えることが好きな方も多いと思いますが、意見を交換したり考察したりする人は少ないと思います（メガテンのファンは、それぞれ独自の解釈をしているかもしれませんね）。 」

——Just to clarify, do you have any opinion on how a canon route for SMT1 may relate to those specific quotes from SMT2 or Raidou 1?

「超力兵団は非常に巧く作っていますが、当初から考えられていた物語構造に後付けで作っていることでマルチバースのひとつ以上にはなり得ないとは思います。

真IIもある程度当初から考えられてきた物語ですが、制作している間に変化は生じていますから、基本的には完全な連続性

はないと言えます。」

[jamiemaybeme]

Doing This Again by Bears In Trees: An Unnecessarily Deep Analysis by me

( @bearsintreesofficial please if you only see one of my posts ever let it be this one i worked so hard 🥲)

i'm bored, and i want to yell about my hyperfixations on the internet, so have fun :D

(i will preface this by saying that it will be LONG. i wrote this in a notebook and initially i was going to just upload a photo, but my annotations are too small to be seen on camera. make of that what you will.)

!!ALSO THIS IS IMPORTANT!!: these are my interpretations. i do not know if the band intended to communicate everything i've understood from this song (i expect they didn't actually), and it's perfectly valid for you to have different interpretations to me. it's encouraged.

also (sorry one last thing) i will refer to "the singer" like i would a poet, even though i know the singer didn't write the song. just roll with it.

okay now onto the actual analysis (below the cut off so people who don't want to read it don't have to scroll for ages). enjoy!!

verse one:

i hope to be happy, i hope to be calm

i hope to be somewhat content

the song begins with an expectation. the singer 'hopes' to be something, which is a goal for the future. the repetition adds to this. it shows the amount of expectations the singer has. it reads like the beginning of a new year, when one makes new year's resolutions. this comparison could imply the singer is unlikely to stick to these expectations, as people are infamous for only sticking with new year's resolutions during january. this sets up the mood of the song: the struggle of attempting to break free from old habits and the mundanity of life, and the frustration that comes with that.

however, the singer only hopes to be 'somewhat content'. the word 'somewhat' makes it clear the singer is trying to lower their expectations to be achievable. the word 'hope' is also not a guarantee. the singer does not know if they will feel the way they want to. it is a 'hope' they are holding onto, perhaps to help them keep going.

the word 'calm' directly contrasts the name of one of the band's previous eps, i want to feel chaotic, which features their most streamed song ramblings of a lunatic. the ep focuses on struggling to cope with trauma and turning to your friends in times of difficulties. this song is a step away from processing trauma, and instead focuses on day-to-day life. this contrast is shown through the choice of the word 'calm'.

(also there's the whole i wanna feel calm/i wanna feel chaotic comparison but that's not directly related so i'm ignoring it. maybe i'll post about it later 👀.)

verse one (continued):

every morning, i wake up

and think to myself, "oh God, we're doing this again!"

'every morning i wake up' is also repeated throughout the song as the first line of the chorus. the repetition combined with the hyperbole communicates the singer's frustration. they feel stuck in a loop, which the structure of the song shows us.

'"oh God"' can be interpreted in a few ways. (this is actually the main reason i decided to analyse this song specifically, because it felt like i had so much to say.) interpretation number one: it could, simply, be a blasphemous curse. a teenage rebellion against parents or school. (context: nick - who i'm 90% sure wrote this - went to a catholic secondary school with two of the others. i believe. i think those two were iain and callum.) it also could show how the singer is just like everyone else, as this is a common phrase. this adds to my previous point about being stuck in a loop, except now it includes other people. it makes the song feel more relatable. i feel like this one is more accurate to what the singer is trying to convey. and interpretation number two: however, it could also be read as a cry for help, to God. 'God' could be interpreted as anyone or anything, but in the context it's in, i'm assuming it is talking about God in christianity. it sets up the next verse nicely too.

verse two:

i hope i'll be resilient

i hope to be brave in the face of another family cancer

my mother cites a rosary downstairs

but Lord these blessed words fail me

first i'll talk about the religious imagery, linked to the last line of the previous verse.

'rosary', 'Lord' and 'blessed' are all directly related to religion, specifically catholicism (a branch of christianity if anyone is unaware). throughout most bears in trees songs, there runs a theme of religion, and with it religious trauma. a 'rosary' is, i believe, a string of beads which you move as you pray. (please bear in mind i do not follow catholicism so i am not sure how accurate this is. i could look it up but in all honesty if i stop writing rn idk if i'll continue.) the singer seems to be attempting to reach God, but is struggling due to some unseen reason. perhaps it is something they themselves are also unaware of.

the theme of 'hope' is once again repeated in this verse, carrying it on from verse one.

'another family cancer' talks about an awful event. we are not told whether it ends in tragedy (death), joy (being cancer free), or continues as an ongoing battle. this a) makes the song more relatable, as most people have known someone who's battled cancer, and b) may potentially mean the singer has not yet experienced this but is expecting to (expectations again). the word 'another' adds to the idea of being stuck in a loop. (if you're starting to notice a pattern: congratulations! you've cracked the code.)

the word 'downstairs' shows separation between the singer's mother and themself (is it themselves or themself i can't work it out?), but could also be a metaphor for the distance the singer feels from God or even religion entirely. this is portrayed by having their mother praying at the same time the singer is struggling to connect with the words. the physical distance between the singer and their mother is a symbol of the metaphorical distance between the singer and God/catholicism.

the verse ends with the phrase 'fail me'. in the context of the analysis, it seems they are either struggling to turn to God for help, or do not feel God is helping. however, they may believe God is the one failing them. it can be extremely difficult to pray to someone or something that you can't see, especially when there doesn't seem to be a response. they either believe they are failing God because they can't communicate properly, or God is failing them because there has been no (obvious) response. alternatively, if we take it in the context of the song it could show how the singer is struggling to live up to the expectations (🙃) set by themself or others, and feel like a failure. (i will admit, this one is a little bit of a stretch. but it's analysis, everything's a stretch 🤷.)

pre-chorus? (i don't think it is but idk what else to call it so w/e):

i just wanna welcome all the broken people

the juxtaposition (i love that word) of 'just' and 'all' really communicates the singer's expectations of themself. they are under playing welcoming everyone into some sort of family or home, by specifying 'just' the 'broken people'. however, everyone is 'broken' in some way or another, so the singer's desire to accept the 'broken' people essentially encompasses the whole world. this is a high expectation. it is quite literally impossible. yet the singer seems to believe they should be able to to do it, as the word 'just' makes it sound easy. potentially they haven't fully considered the situation.

the word 'welcome' could have biblical connotations. Jesus was all about welcoming people, even those on the outside of society, the 'broken people', some might even say. (some being me. i'm saying that.) the singer seems to be attempting to fulfil the role of God in their life within which God is not present - either by their choice or by their interpretation.

chorus:

every morning i wake up, and i drink my silly little oak milk coffee

and i text my silly little texts, and my phone's still on autocorrect

just going to briefly remind you of the repetition of 'every morning i wake up' continued from the last line of verse one. okay that's it.

the singer decribes their interests as 'silly little' things. it's sung twice per chorus, which shows it's not just one aspect of their life. this could be read as a dismissal of their interests, but could equally be seen as them embracing their interests being seen as 'silly'. they are claiming their interests with the personal pronoun 'my'. this could show how they're not ashamed of the things they like.

chorus (continued):

so i gotta backspace, take my caps out

'cause i'm too lazy to change the settings, too hazy to hum myself to sleep

oh my God, we're doing this again

once again there's the idea of expectations. the modal 'gotta' shows the singer feels like they must do things they have decided to (in this instance type in all lower case, something that is considered trivial and unimportant).

the singer is aware of the fact they might be perceived as 'lazy'. this might be because they genuinely are lazy, or it could be a sign they are struggling, potentially with a mental illness or being burnt out.

they decribe themself as 'hazy', which implies they are disorientated or overwhelmed.

the pronoun 'my' has been added to the last line compared to the first verse. this makes it closer to blasphemy than a cry for help, but it still could be either.

the collective noun 'we're' addresses the audience directly, letting them know that they are not alone and the singer struggles with the same things they do (basically 🎶 we're all in this together! 🎶).

verse three:

i hope to be neurotic, go lucky

young upstart and plucky

there's the repetition of 'i hope' in this verse once again, but it's only in this verse once. this could show the singer either losing hope or struggling to keep up with all their expectations. (i know it's almost certainly for timing reasons but i didn't title this over analysing for no reason.)

(psa: this paragraph is almost entirely irrelevant i just wanted to rant about psychology) neuroticism is one of the three personality traits in eysenck's criminal personality theory. it is a trait that measures how anxious an individual is. the theory states that criminal behaviour is fixed from birth, and is mostly affected by biological factors. it theorises people are born with the urge to commit criminal acts. the other two traits featured in this theory are extraversion (how out-going an individual is) and psychoticism (how aggressive and impulsive an individual is). there was also a study done by heaven in 1996 based on this theory, but he did not measure neuroticism as he felt that would have been too hard (instead opting for self-esteem, which showed no correlation to criminality). none of this is particularly related, i just think it's cool and wanted to infodump :].

my gcse psychology textbook (this is pretty much the only time i've actually used it btw 😭) says about neuroticism that "people who score high on neuroticism are anxious, angry and prone to feeling guilt. at the opposite end is stability. stable people tend to be calm, even-tempered and not easily stressed. of course, it is possible to be in between these two extremes too." i'm not really sure what to think about this, but it's certainly interesting to think that the singer wants to feel/be this way. idk man i'm too tired to think about this too deeply.

'go lucky' is shortened from the phrase "happy go lucky". the lack of the word 'happy' shows the singer doesn't even have it in them to yearn for happiness, they just want to be anything other than apathetic.

I'VE JUST REALISED THAT THE FIRST LINE OF THIS VERSE CONTRASTS THE FIRST LINE OF VERSE ONE OMDS THIS IS CRAZY. the opposite of being 'neurotic' (i hope to be neurotic) is being 'calm' (i hope to be calm), and the word 'happy' (i hope to be happy) completes the phrase "happy 'go lucky'" (i hope to be..., go lucky).

verse three (continued):

anatomically correct beating heart of the party

and i could be your vena cava

pumping small talk between your trauma

while the red stains your new carpet

the specification of an 'anatomically correct heart' shows the singer's desire to not be artificial. it may also be a way to show they want to embrace a nerdier side of themself.

being the 'heart' or "life" 'of the party' means someone who is at the centre of the party. often the party properly gets started when they arrive, and ends when they leave. it is a common trope in teen films, which links back to the recurring theme of being stuck in a loop with everyone else.

the 'vena cava' is a vein (?) in the heart. i'm not really sure what it does but i have a biology exam in two days at the time of writing this (one day at the time of editing oh no) so i probably should. it might be an artery. either way, i THINK it carries blood away from the heart. whether it goes to the lungs or some other part of the body i am unsure. i should probably find that out soon. anyway.

the heart is a muscle that pumps blood - that is its function. the singer could be saying they want to be strong for their friend, or be crucial for them to live, much like the heart is. 'small talk' has replaced blood in their veins (metaphorically just in case that was unclear), showing how everyone else seems to live off of small talk. in 'i am cold', a song from the ep 'i see blue', the first two lines are 'don't talk about the weather / i wanna know what makes you sick'. in some interview or something somewhere either nick or iain (this is so specific ik) explains that this line means the singer wants to skip small talk and get straight to the deep things. this combined with this song makes the singer feel different to everyone else. they seem to be breaking the cycle but at the same time still contributing to it by helping their friend make small talk (it's 1am sorry if that made no sense).

in 'i wanna feel calm', a song from bears in trees' latest album 'how to build an ocean: instructions' which was also released as the second single out of four before the album, the first line is 'i try not to let my trauma do the talking but from time to time the "t"s add up'. this shows how the singer struggles not to trauma dump as a way of making conversation (relatable), but here they are helping their friend avoid doing the same thing by 'pumping small talk between their trauma'. alternatively, it could be that their friend is trauma dumping to a third party and the singer keeps interjecting (is that a word?? i thought it was but my keyboard didn't recognise it?) with 'small talk' to try and lighten the mood/distract from their friend.

the colour imagery choice is interesting, as 'red' has a lot of connotations. first and foremost is obviously blood based on the previous imagery used. it is also the colour of passion, whether that be passionate love, hate, anger or fear. it also signifies danger. the point is, passion is the opposite of apathy, which is the way the singer has seemed to portray their reaction in relation to the mundanity of life throughout the song so far.

however, whilst 'red' is more subjective, the word 'stains' has way more negative connotations than positive. a stain is generally unwanted, like a weed. it's a memory the singer it their friend wants to forget, but can't.

the 'new carpet' could refer to them trying to start afresh, the 'new carpet' being a new mindset. however, it very quickly gets stained showing the inevitably of life. alternatively, the singer could be referencing red wine- a red liquid which stains- or something similar, ie it could be literal.

(the chorus repeats here but i'm not repeating my analysis because there's literally no point [: )

bridge:

every sunrise, every street sign, every goodbye

every moonbeam, every fever dream

every sunrise, every street sign, every goodbye

every moonbeam, every fever dream

'every' is once again repeated here, but 10 times instead of 1 (20 in the whole bridge but 10 in each section i've split it into).

once again, it is a reminder of the inevitably of the existence of the mundane, everyday things of life. 'sunrises' and 'moonbeams' directly contrast, to show that the cycle happens all the time. these two things are also part of nature. they also happen everyday, whether you see them or not. 'street signs' are man made, but are still very common. 'goodbyes' are inevitable. for every hello there is a goodbye; they are unavoidable. they can be sad, they can be bittersweet, they can be happy (if you dislike the person enough). 'fever dreams' are uncontrollable. they happen while you are in a state that you cannot control, and are weird. this line feels like the singer is embracing the weird parts of life, even things they cannot control.

bridge (continued):

wouldn't you love to be happy? (every sunrise, every street sign, every goodbye)

wouldn't you love to go outside for a change? (every moonbeam, every fever dream)

and i don't mean in body (every sunrise, every street sign, every goodbye)

i mean embody, i mean embody (every moonbeam, every fever dream)

(note: this is pretty much where my notebook annotations end; i gave up and forgot about it. the rest is likely to be less coherent than the above, just a warning. okay back to it.)

the singer begins to directly question the audience here, addressing them like at the end of the choruses. however, they could be just using the audience to address themself. this is the final reference to expectations in the song, and now it's more of a wish than something that the singer feels they should be. "'wouldn't you love' to do these things? it would be amazing if i could, but i can't. i would love the ability to get myself together, but it feels impossible right now." this reminds me of the chorus of 'great heights' a song from both the album 'and everybody else smiled back' and one of three songs released earlier as singles. 'we'd reach such great heights / if we could just make our beds in the morning.' this is a reference explained by nick in a tiktok video somewhere to a sign he is entering a dissociative episode: he stops making his bed. this whole song ('doing this again') tackles the issue of mental illnesses and struggling to cope with the mundanity of life. the singer feels if they could just complete these simple tasks that seem so huge, bigger things would be so much easier to tackle. they feel if they can get out of their head, they could take over the world. but they can't take over the world without going outside. 'outside' could mean literally out their house, or could be outside their mind. (this is confirmed as being mental in the next two lines 'i don't mean in body, i mean embody'.)

the singer finally suggests 'a change' could be good. this is the first (and only) time in the song anything other than the "same old thing"™ is mentioned. they are trying to entice themself into wanting this by asking it as a question. this is a psychological trick often used on children - if you make someone think it was their own idea they are way more likely to do what you want them to do.

the word 'embody' crops up later in 'bart's bike', a song that wraps up how the years 2022 - 2023 (i believe. from what i've heard) felt, and reminisces on them. that would include this ep/song, which was released in november 2022. 'i know you meant embody / when you looked to the mountains, towering above us'. this callback shows how far the singer has come. either they are talking to themself in third person, or their friend is saying this. the friend may be someone who has helped the singer through the period of their life where they struggled with apathy. another song from this era is 'apathy is boring', which talks about rejecting apathy as a coping mechanism and embracing our emotions. 'the mountains' are symbolic of the tasks they've been talking about struggling with the whole song. the pronoun 'us' shows how the singer is not alone, and even though they still have struggles they don't have to face them alone. the parallels between this song and the 'how to stay shining' era shows the singer's improving mental health. the band have talked before about how they don't like dwelling on bad things that have happened, as good things happen too and it's important not to focus on all the wrong things. healing is a progress, and these two songs ('doing this again' and 'bart's bike') were released almost exactly a year apart ('bart's bike' was released on december 1st 2023. 'doing this again' was released on october 28th 2022, but 'every moonbeam every fever dream' (the full ep) was released on november 11th 2022.) this is both symbolic of a person healing over time and shows the band maturing/getting better over time. it's sweet and it's not unrealistically fast.

there's also the repetition of 'every sunrise...' here, which is just another example of the mundanity of everyday life.

(the chorus repeats one more time here)

outro:

every sunrise, every street sign, every goodbye (again)

every moonbeam every fever dream (again)

every sunrise, every street sign, every goodbye (again)

every moonbeam every fever dream (we're doing this again)

this is how the song ends. it feels bittersweet. the singer seems to have accepted their fate of continuously doing the same thing. the word 'again' is repeated 4 times in this section. the singer is focused on it now more than the rest of the song. (this probably means something but it's like 2am so ifk whay.) this is the last section of the song, but the singer is showing that their everyday life is not over. however, they may choose to find hope in this. we don't know, because the song ends much like the rest of it: with repetition symbolic of the middle of life.

the last line is 'we're doing this agin' which uses the pronoun 'we're' and also extends the phrase. the audience is left on the note that whilst the mundanity of life still repeats, it's easier when it's not just you. this relates to the 'bart's bike' line i referenced earlier, when the singer talks about mountains towering above 'us'. the use of collective pronouns throughout this song give hope to the audience. the song tells us that we are not alone, and there is hope to be found.

okay i've just fksihed writing this and it's like 2:15 am i'll edit it later i have an exam in <7 hourd i'm gonna fail yay :')

alright, 'nught :]

okay it's now 4.30pm and i've just finished editing. if you got this far, thank you so much. if you didn't, thank you anyway. i repeated myself so much in my analysis, but maybe that's to communicate meaning! (it's not but we can pretend it is.) i hope you enjoyed reading this. have a good timezone and please tell me if you want me to repeat this with another song. it might not be quite to this extent but i can try. (also i don't think i failed my english exam so that's good :D)

see you in the next one! (maybe. hopefully.) and go and stream how to build an ocean: instructions!!!

[runes-menagerie]

Analysis of Ascendant Astarion Part 2

WARNING!! This post contains spoilers for Act 3 of Balder's Gate 3. Specifically for one of the possible endings of 'The Pale Elf' companion questline along with the entirety of the Astarion romance plotline since I do reference earlier romance cutscenes.

This analysis focuses on the dialogue trees available during the Ascendant Astarion romance scene that happens the next time you rest after completing the ritual. Given the difficulty of the fight against Cazador and his minions, in addition to the fight with the Gur Tribe as you leave, most players are likely to rest before going on to other quests. That is the timeline I'm assuming for the purposes of how long Astarion has had to process the events outlined in my previous analysis post.

I would also like to preface this by saying that I was not expecting the dialogue trees in this scene to be as complex as they are, Most videos you can find will only show you one or two possible paths but there are actually many possible paths and even a few loops that you could theoretically go around indefinitely.

That said it does all boil down to a very simply choice: continue the romance by letting his turn you or break up with him. I started this project thinking that there were very few ways to accomplish the first and many ways the second could happen. What I found when I actually mapped out the trees was the exact opposite. Discovering this changed my perceptions this scene and I hope that shows in my analysis.

One last thing I'd like to address before getting on with the analysis. While researching the character I found the predominate interpretation of Ascendant Astarion is that he's abusive, condescending and manipulative. While I can certainly see how this came about and I will be including it in my analysis. These two interpretations will largely be my focus but I am sure there are others. This is not any sort of end all be all analysis.

Now, without further ado. On to the analysis!

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(start of romance scene)

"I can't believe you let me do that. Killing all those people. A pleasant surprise."

-- As mentioned above I find it likely that this scene takes place within a few hours of the completion of the ritual. Long enough for the high of victory and Ascension to have worn off but not long enough for him to have fully settled into who he is now and go through all the implications of what he's done. This open dialogue indicates that he might be starting to now and is surprised you helped him. The pleasantly part comes in fact that he likely didn't think the player would go to such lengths for him.

(Possible player responses A1)

I wanted what was best for you.

I wasn't about to release seven thousand hungry vampire spawn into the world.

I don't feel great about it honestly.

I wanted a powerful ally, And now I have one.

-- I won't be saying much about the possible player responses since that isn't the focus of this analysis. I will just say to pay attention to the markers such as A1 and A2 since they show how the trees link together and were the best way I could think of to organize what is more like a web than a tree in this format.

A1 -- Prompt 1 -> A2 "You sweet, sweet thing. I want what's best for you too, of course. And one wicked turn deserves another. So tell me what you desire. What can I do for my dearest pet?"

-- Note that many of the reactions to each set of prompts share dialogue so I will only be analyzing those once unless something about the rest of the prompt changes the interpretation of the common part.

-- This feels similar to his pre-Ascension dialogue in terms of the first few lines. The last two lines however show something is going on in his head. This is where I feel he could be seen as starting to come across as condescending since the use of the name 'pet' is new for him. On the other hand, he does given the player numerous pet names throughout the game and this could simply be a new one. Edit: I was informed that he does use the term pet prior to this as a Spawn as a dialogue option if you visit the brothel. "Sorry pet, I'm not quite comfortable doing this sort of thing just yet." --quote courtesy of @astriel-nya This fact makes me more inclined to think that it is simply a pet name rather than being indicative an abusive mindset.

-- Another thing to consider when interpreting this dialogue is the fact that he's asking what he can do for the player. If we look back at his romance scenes early on then this could be a call back to his "nice, simple plan" of trading his body and affection for the player's protection. If this is in fact a call back then it could indicate he's reverting to past "instinctive" behaviors while figuring out who he is now that he is finally free of Cazador. Not to mention any lingering side effects of the ritual that could be impacting his thinking.

A1 -- Prompt 2 -> A2 "Of course, whatever you need to tell yourself, darling. But make no mistake, I will forever remember what you did for me today. And one wicked turn deserves another. So tell me what you desire. What can I do for my dearest pet?"

-- Here is another example of a line that could be condescending even with the use of the familiar pet name. He seems dismissive of the player's reasoning and attempts to moralize the choice to pay the price of the ritual.

-- Another take is that Astarion has always been rather morally dubious and this isn't the first time he's questioned the player's morality.

-- I find the second line more telling than the first since it seems to be another call back, this time to his lines after you let him feed from you the first time. These connections to the past seem to indicate that he hasn't completely forgotten who he was before the ritual.

A1 -- Prompt 3 -> A2 "Well, what's done is done. And there's simply no point in dwelling on the past, is there? No, you have given me a glorious new future. And one wicked turn deserves another. So tell me what you desire. What can I do for my dearest pet?"

-- As with the last response, this one can also be interpreted as condescending and dismissive. Both of the player and of the past. It could be an indication that he no longer cares as much for the player's opinions and thoughts.

-- However, given just what Astarion's past has contained for the last 200 years, I find it difficult to blame him for wanting to focus on the future now that he can finally see one that isn't more of what he's suffered all those years.

A1 -- Prompt 4 -> A2 "Indeed you do. I am so very, very powerful - all thanks to you. And one wicked turn deserves another. So tell me what you desire. What can I do for my dearest pet?"

-- Given that this response is given to the most cold and calculated of the possible player prompts. It seems logical for him to respond in kind. Now this could be seen as his ego talking and it does fall in line with his speech patterns when talking about himself early game. But that is just the thing. At that point in the game, his goal was to make himself seem useful so you would keep him around. He could be doing the same here, reminding you of just how useful he is so you won't turn on him now that he's changed.

-- In this prompt I believe that common section more strongly supports the second interpretation rather than the first but that is simply my opinion.

(Possible player responses -- A2)

I want to be a vampire like you.

I want you. I want your body.

You can tell me that you've learned something from all this.

I am not your pet.

-- I will admit that when I first encountered this set of player responses, I greatly detested them. Now having mapped out all the dialogue trees, my hatred has lessened but I still don't entirely like the options given to player at this point in the dialogue tree.

-- Also note that this is the point where it becomes less dialogue tree and more dialogue web.

A2 -- Prompt 1 -> A3 "Oh my sweet, there are no vampires like me. And there never will be again. But if you want the gift of eternity, I can give you that. One more bite is all it would take. That's what you want, isn't it? To be mine? Forever?"

-- The first two lines are both a statement of fact since it has been stated in game that no one had ever attempted the Rite of Profane Ascension before Cazador, making Astation the first Vampire Ascendant. Given this fact and how long it took for someone to attempt the ritual it does seem rather unlikely there will ever be another but not impossible.

-- That said, it's also possible that his ego is talking here as well since he is the first to achieve such a thing and he is more powerful than he was, both lore wise and in game mechanics. However, the second line can be taken as more than a simple statement of fact. It could be interpreted as him stating an intention to prevent the ritual from being repeated, either to prevent competitors or to prevent 7000 more souls from being sacrificed again. It could also be an indication of his intent never to turn the player into a true vampire but to keep them a spawn, however since we have no way of knowing if the spawn of the Vampire Ascendant would also become a Vampire Ascendant, this may be a mote point.

-- As for the rest of his words this could either be taken as him trying to manipulate you into becoming his slave and putting yourself under his control. Or it could be him acknowledging the differences in your lifespans and being afraid to lose the player since even if the player is one of the Elf variants they wouldn't live even a fraction of his lifespan. As in most vampire romance stories, this could be seen as gesture of love rather than one intended to enslave.

A2 -- Prompt 2 -> A3 "You've earned it. But don't you want more -- don't you want eternity? One more bite is all it would take? That's what you want, isn't it? To be mine? Forever?"

-- This is in response to the option I dislike the most so I apologize if that influences my analysis. That said I do find it telling how he says that the player has 'earned' the ability to sleep with him. And then he quickly offers to turn the player.

-- I will be honest that I struggle to find an abusive interpretation for this one other than what was mentioned above with the offer to become a vampire being a manipulation tactic to control the player.

-- The interpretation I find more likely in this case is that the offer to turn the player is a distraction from the idea of sex. Which given that in order to get this far in the romance the player would have already agreed to hold off on sex until he was ready, seems plausible.

-- Note that there is another way to get this dialogue but again, it is the player requesting sex, not him offering or asking for it. Now it is possible that with the power boost he gets from Ascension that he feels safe enough to explore sex now since it's possible he could overpower the player or at least escape. It could also be another case of him reverting to his early game thinking. Giving his body so the player will accept being turned and not leave him. Or giving his body as a method of tricking the player into becoming his slave.

-- This also brings to mind the scene where he tells you he doesn't want sex, specifically that if you insist on it he will then break up with you after saying that he didn't know how to tell the player no. I wonder if something similar might be the case here, thus the distraction of offering to turn the player rather than saying no outright.

A2 -- Prompt 3 -> B1 "Truly? What was I supposed to learn from this?"

-- He does have a point here, until I read the possible player responses to this I wasn't fully sure what I would expect him to learn from recent events either. I feel his confusion and defensiveness is justified here.

A2 -- Prompt 4 -> C1 "Oh don't be such a humorless little wretch - It's nothing but a joke."

-- This reaction seems to support the interpretation of the 'pet' name not just being a new way to refer to the player but a test to see if the player would be open to submitting. One that he isn't happy the player rejected.

-- However he does only call you pet the one time in this entire scene regardless of if you call him on it or not. This could mean that he is more reacting to being called out than the fact that you don't accept the name. Or he could simply be deciding not to push his luck with you at this time since his primary goal seems to be getting the player to agree to become a vampire.

(Possible player responses from Prompt 3 -- B1)

I hoped you'd learn to love me.

Not to become Cazador yourself.

That sex and relationships aren't about power over someone else.

-- I thought that the 2nd and 3rd responses would be breakup routes when I was mapping this out and was rather surprised to find I was wrong. This is where my opinion on this scene began to change.

B1 -- bullet 1 -> B3 "Who's to say I don't? I'm willing to share all of this with you. What's that if not love? Of course if that's not enough - if you need something more - perhaps this isn't for you. So. What's it to be, darling? Is this it?"

-- Given Astarion's past, sharing power like this would be a significant gesture for him since he has had all power stripped from him before and had to claw his way up to where he is now. That said, it does indicate that he might be viewing relationships as transactions as he did near the start of the game. The next line both supports this idea and brings it into question depending on the interpretation. It could either be interpreted as a manipulation or as him genuinely asking if he's enough for the player.

-- Lastly he asks what the player wants rather than assuming the relationship is over. Once more this could be a show of caring in order to manipulate the player's emotions. Or it be him giving the player the choice he didn't have. Since let's not forget that he was turned against his will. His unwillingness to forcibly turn the player is rather telling I feel no matter how the rest of this words are interpreted.

B1 -- bullet 2 -> B2 "Don't you ever compare me to him! Never! How dare you stand there and judge me. As if you know the first thing. Your hands are as bloody as mine, darling. Why would you go along with any of this just to pretend you're innocent now?"

-- Even as pissed off at the player as he is here, this still leads to a prompt that gives the option to save the relationship. Given that Spawn Astarion doesn't react this way to mentions of Cazador I find this response rather interesting.

-- One possible interpretation is that Astarion secretly fears that he will become just like Cazador. That he will hurt those around him, especially the player. We've seen in the Love Test earlier in the game that he doesn't like his fears being brought to light which seems to support this interpretation.

-- Another interpretation is that he does actually plan to be like Cazador to some extent, either consciously or unconsciously, and he doesn't want you thinking about that otherwise you might walk away from him before he can make you his spawn.

-- The last few lines seem to be him once more questioning the player's morals while reminding you that he would have never been able to Ascend without someone's help. With this in mind his willingness to keep giving you chances to save the relationship might be an acknowledgement of this fact. He literally owes everything to the player and he knows it.

B1 -- bullet 3 -> B2 "Please, everything is about power. Sex, relationships, violence - They're all just different forms of control. And now you think you can stand there and tell me how to feel? Because - what? Because you care? Your hands are as bloody as mine, darling. Why would you go along with any of this just to pretend you're innocent now?"

-- This seems to support the theory that he's reverting back to his early game thinking in terms of how he views relationships. As stated in the believing, it isn't surprising that he would fall back onto familiar thought patterns while processing and adapting to his new power and freedom.

-- He could be lashing out because he's aware of this fact but he doesn't know how else to handle what's going on in his head. He could also be upset that the player is so easily seeing through his manipulation.

(possible player responses from bullets 2 and 3 above B2)

I wanted you to feel safe.

Because I cared! But maybe now I see how wrong I was!

I did it for you, you piece of shit.

-- Even though all of these responses gain his disapproval, none outright end the romance at this stage. Even the last two don't and I thought they would when I was making this.

B2 -- All prompts "It seems I misjudged you. I thought we might have a future together - even an eternity - But perhaps you're not worthy. So. What's it to be, darling? Is this it?"

-- This is very similar to how he responds to the first prompt in the response list before this one. (B1 -- bullet 1) He asks the player what they was want rather than making a demand or trying to focus it. As mentioned before there is a chance that Ascendant Astarion could overpower the player, especially if this does in fact take place right after the Cazador/Gur fight when everyone it hurt/tired except perhaps him, which would give him the best chance of doing so.

-- One interpretation is that even if his thinking has changed with Ascension, he's still unwilling to put the player through what he was when he was turned. It has to be the player's choice to become his spawn.

-- Another interpretation that is similar to the first but distinctly different is that he wants it to be the player's choice so that they are less likely to scheme against him as he did against Cazador. He doesn't want to create an enemy with the potential to actually harm him one day after all since from reading Vellioth's scroll we know that it is in fact possible for a spawn to kill their master without there being a Mindfalyer tadpole involved.

(Possible player response to all of the above B3)

I hope we can work things out and stay together.

I still care for you, but it can't be like this.

You're a hypocrite, and I don't want to be with you.

I don't want to look at you again. Get out of my camp.

-- Only bullet 1 will continue the romance so that response is the only one that will be analyzed in this post. The breakup responses will be analyzed in a later post.

B3 -- bullet 1 -> A4 "Of course we can. You're the one I want - the one that I love. And you could be so much more, if you want it. One little bite and you could be mine forever. My dark consort. My right hand. My most beloved spawn."

-- The fact that he is still willing to work things out with the player could be interpreted as him still hoping to manipulate and control the player. Or we could be seeing some of his genuine emotions beneath the act he's trying to put on as he falls back into his old thought patterns. This feels like something he would have said pre-Ascension which may indicate that he hasn't completely changed but it merely reverting back to old behaviors as stated before and this is him breaking from that due to thinking you might actually leave him.

-- The last set of lines are repeated a great deal in the A3 responses so I will analyze there since it feels like it makes more sense.

(Posssible player responses C1)

It doesn't feel like a joke. It feels like you mean it.

You haven't learned anything have you?

All right. But if your offer is still open, I want to be a vampire. Just like you.

Then stop joking around and let's sleep together.

-- This is part of the 'pet' comment branch, if that helps with navigation.

C1 -- Prompt 1 -> A3 "Life's a joke, dear, but now we're the ones laughing. But if you want the gift of eternity, I can give you that. One more bite is all it would take. That's what you want, isn't it? To be mine? Forever?"

-- This feels both like him backtracking but also makes me think of when he's trying to justify him drinking the blood of your enemies right after revealing what he is to the player early game. I think the reason for that is in both situations he trying to laugh off a rather serious matter.

-- That aside he does seem to be dismissing the player's feelings on the matter. And yet he doesn't use the word 'pet again'. Even during the sex scene when a perfect chance for it comes up.

-- This dialogue branch seems to be the one with the most support for the interpretation of Ascendant Astarion as abusive, condescending, and manipulative. I don't think it should be dismissed because of that but I do think it should be noted that it is only one possible dialogue branch and that is is possible to go through the scene without ever encountering any of these responses.

C1 -- Prompt 2 -> A2 Prompt 3

C1 -- Prompt 3 -> A2 Prompt 1

C1 -- Prompt 4 -> A2 Prompt 2

-- The fact that all other prompt responses lead back to the second set of choices feels rather significant to me as well. This could support the interpretation that there is a darker motive behind all of his dialogue in this scene. Or it could indicate that he's simply testing to see where the line is with the player now that he's changed so much. It's also possible that the ritual changed his thinking just as he states it has changed his blood in the post Ascension scene.

(Possible player responses A3)

Yes, that's all I want.

So what would I be? A vampire? Or your spawn?

What if I don't want forever?

I wanted a good time, that's all.

I wanted you to be free. It seems you never will be.

-- All the dialogue options above will eventually lead here unless a breakup option is chosen. Of these, only the last one will lead to a breakup option.

A3 -- Prompt 1 -> A5 "Then it's everything you shall receive. I will miss this warm flesh mind you. Shall we have one last night together before you join me in immortality? One for the road, so to speak."

-- Here he is the one offering sex, however this line can come after the player has asked for it or if the player I was going to analyze the implications of each but I found as I was writing it that there really isn't much of a difference other than whether or not he's actually interested in sex or merely doing it for the player's benefit.

-- This offer could be him resigning himself to going through with it as the price of getting to keep the player. He could also be ready for sex and the player just happened to ask for it before he could offer, if that route was taken. It could also be a manipulation, a way to sweeten the deal to ensure that the player goes through with the turning. It could also be exactly as he said, that he'll miss the player's warmth and wants to feel it one more time before it's gone forever.

-- To sum up. This could be a manipulation. It could be fondness for the player prompting him to spend one more night with you.

A3 -- Prompt 2 -> A4 "You wouldn't be just some spawn -- you're far more than that to me. My dark consort. My right hand. My most beloved spawn."

-- This is in response to a very valid question from the player. The answer is rather poetic, as many of his early game words are when he's trying to seduce the play.

-- With that thought in mind he could be trying to manipulate and seduce the player into giving in to him and becoming his spawn so he has complete power over you.

-- He could also be honestly trying to reassure the player that even as his spawn, he won't abuse you but will treat you as a partner. Not quite an equal perhaps but not a victim either.

A3 -- Prompt 3 -> A4 "What's not to want? We could be together for all time. My dark consort. My right hand. My most beloved spawn."

-- Given his own lack of choice in becoming a vampire and just how many people in the game seem to be seeking ways to extend their own lifespans, it's really not a surprise why he would question why you don't want to live longer.

-- He could also be questioning if he's not enough for you even now that he's become the Vampire Ascendant. At the same time this could be another attempt at manipulation.

A3 -- Prompt 4 -> A3 "What do you mean? Think of the things I can offer you! You're not going to say no to that, surely?

-- I was surprised this one didn't lead straight to a breakup but it doesn't. Which I feel reinforces the interpretation that regardless of his reasoning, he does want to keep you in his life.

-- But to explore that reasoning, one way this response can be interpreted is him asking if he is not enough for you. If everything he has to offer you now and everything he is, isn't enough.

-- In the same vein, he could be asking if you're really going to turn down all the power that he strove so hard to get. This would explain why he seems so offended by the idea that you would turn him down.

A3 -- Prompt 5 -> B2 All prompts (minus 1 aka breakup route)

-- This is a break up route and as such will be analyzed in another post. But I do think it's significant that it took this long to get to another break up route in comparison to how many ways there are to continue the romance.

(possible player responses A4)

Yes, that's all I want.

Spawn? I want to be a true vampire.

A beloved slave is still a slave.

After everything you went through with Cazador, you're going to make me a spawn?

-- No really anything to say about this set of prompts other than that Astarion is surprisingly patient considering all the questions you could be asking him. Granted they are rather reasonable and understandable questions given the situation.

A4 -- Prompt 1 -> A3 Prompt 1

A4 -- Prompt 2 -> A3 Prompt 2

-- Unsurprisingly these two link back up to other parts of the dialogue tree.

A4 -- Prompt 3 -> D1 "Oh don't be like that, I'd never want to control you. I love you. That's what you've been waiting to hear, isn't it? That's what you want. We could be together for eternity, ruling this world side by side. We could have it all."

-- The first part of this is pretty straight forwards, he's either lying or he's not. On one hand he knows what's like to be a spawn, to be controlled, to have his body obey against his will. It seems unlikely he would inflict that on someone he cares about and the fact is that within the game he doesn't actually try unless you count him forbidding you from dying at one point. On the other hand, if his feeling for the player have changed then he might be lying and simply had no need to control you during the gameplay. Or he was subtle enough about it that you don't notice it.

-- As for his confession of love, the phrasing of it is closer to that of his first confession when he's telling you all his favorite lines. This could be interpreted as a sign his feelings for the player have changed. It could also be interpreted as him being more theatrical about it simply because, as stated previously, he's defaulted back to familiar speech patterns.

-- Once more he's making an offer to the player, to get them to agree to be his spawn. These continued offers could be him trying to sweeten or remind you of the deal being offered in order to tempt you into giving in to him. Or they could be him expressing his hopes. He hopes for a future with you, for an eternity of you by his side.

-- The ruling comment is a potential red flag but given that he has made comments like that the entire game I don't feel it's out of character or sign that his thinking has changed. He doesn't voice any particular plans for it in this scene however.

A4 -- Prompt 4 -> D1 "Oh that was completely different, I'd never hurt you. I love you. That's what you've been waiting to hear, isn't it? That's what you want. We could be together for eternity, ruling this world side by side. We could have it all."

-- This one is very similar to the previous one and can be interpreted with the same thought processes in my opinion. That said, I do find the difference in wording between the two rather interesting. In the previous one he claims he doesn't want to control you and in this one that he doesn't want to hurt you. This difference is rather curious.

-- It could be that he doesn't think of controlling the player as hurting you as long as he doesn't actually give you a command that would hurt you or cause you to get hurt. Or the opposite could be true and he does think controlling the player would hurt you. Either interpretation has interesting connotations as does this difference in phrasing.

(Possible player responses D1)

That does sound appealing...

Sounds like you'd have it all.

No, this isn't what I want.

-- Another chance to break up here. As with the others, the player has to voice a direct refusal for him to accept it. On one hand that could be seen as a red flag and him not taking no for an answer. On the other hand, with the more ambiguous responses he doesn't assume consent or refusal but asks for clarification of the player's desires. How he reacts to being rejected with be covered in another post as stated previously but I think it's significant to note that he didn't forcibly turn the player upon rejection.

D1 -- bullet 1 -> A5 "I knew you'd come around. Shall we have one last night together before you join me in immortality? One for the road, so to speak."

-- The second part of this has been covered already. As for the first part. This could be interpreted as being rather condescending with him being confident that he could manipulate you into giving into him. It could also be interpreted as him simply knowing the player well and being confident that if he was patient and laid everything out that you would agree to stay with him. It could also be a false show of confidence, a show he often puts on throughout the game with his vulnerable side only coming out sometimes.

D1 -- bullet 2 -> D1 "I already have everything. Except you by my side. Are you ready to join me? To accept this immortal gift?"

-- He's not wrong here. He has everything he's stated he wanted from the beginning. Cazador is dead and Astarion has the power to theoretically do whatever he wants to. The fact that he doesn't assume he has you, that he's doing all this to get your consent when he could theoretically force you feels significant. As does the fact that he wants you by his side, rather than going his own way as he likely intended before his 'nice, simple plan fell apart.'

D1 -- bullet 3 -> B2 All prompts (minus 1 aka breakup route)

-- A clear break up route unsurprisingly.

(possible player responses A5)

Please, yes.

We shall not. I just need you to bite me.

Huh. I forgot I'd be cold to the touch once I changed...

-- No breakup option at this point but that's not terribly surprising.

A5 -- Prompt 1 -> Sex scene "Then come with me, my love, and live your final night."

-- This leads directly to the sex scene you can get from this interaction, which has it's own analysis. As for this response, he's gotten what he wants. Your consent. But even so he's willing to draw out turning you by having sex first either as part of the deal or because he wants to be with you one last time while you're still technically alive.

A5 -- Prompt 2 -> Post sex scene "Impatient are we? Well who am I to deny you?

-- As expected, this skips the sex scene and goes straight to the turning scene. He doesn't fight this which could mean he wasn't ready and or interested in sex. Or it could mean that he's placing the player's wishes ahead of his own.

A5 -- Prompt 3 -> E1 "Not having second thoughts, are we?"

-- Once more checking for consent from the player when you voice would could be seen as doubts. Whether he's being manipulative or honest during this entire conversation tree, your consent clearly matters to him when it comes to being turned.

(Possible player responses E1)

No, let's do this.

I don't want this after all.

-- A final check for consent. You can either give it or break up with him.

E1 -- bullet 1 -> A5 Prompt 1

E1 -- bullet 2 -> B2 All prompts (minus 1 aka breakup route)

-- Nothing new to say here.

(sex scene)

-- I'm not going to recap the sex scene here. There are plenty of videos of it out there. That said, I do find the parallels between this sex scene and the first one you get with him rather interesting. In both scenes the focus seems to be on the player, this more clear in this scene since it is longer but even in the first one he talks about what the player wants and only vaguely about his own desires. Now this could be do to his history with seducing for Cazador. But I find it interesting that the same is true of this scene.

-- This could be because he's acting on instinct as stated previously. He could also be trying to make the player's last night alive particularly good. It's also possible given his history that he doesn't remember how to take pleasure for himself and so it just doing what he knows. It could also be about control, in this case controlling how much pleasure the player feels during this scene.

(Post sex scene)

"On your knees, darling."

-- Here we have another example of a response that could be read as condescending and abusive. Another interpretation of it is the ritual of it. We're not told very much about vampire culture by the game even we find documents that talk about various rituals. It's possible that there's a significance here we're ignorant of. It's also possible he's testing to see if you'll obey him if he asks for something like when you aren't forced to obey him.

(Possible player responses A6)

Kneel.

(Wis check) Explore his mind - see what he really thinks about you.

No.

Kick him in the balls.

-- The last one is obviously a break up prompt but the third one isn't.

A6 -- Prompt 1 -> A7 "Tonight, I shall drink every drop of your blood. Own your body, kill your mind. It will only hurt a bit, the pleasure will be far greater than the pain."

-- Technically these are statements of fact. He has to drain you to turn you. It's also true that he will own your body once the player is his spawn since if he did give a command then your body would follow it whether you wanted to or not. Technically your mind would die when he drains you since you would be dead then undead.

-- As for the pleasure being greater than the pain. This could be a lie to comfort or manipulate the player into not fighting him at this point. He could also be telling the truth, he only gives a brief description of how he was turned so we don't know how it actually feels. Edit: I couldn't accurately remember how he described being turned but @astriel-nya once more provided me with a quote. "I remember how it hurt when I turned to a vampire. My body writhed and warped while I was utterly helpless, the grip of death owned my heart as it beat its last." This could support either side but given the narration of the turning scene and that of the first time he bites the player, I find it likely that he at least hopes that his words will be true for the player.

A6 -- Prompt 2 ->A6 Successful check *He will always see you as degrading yourself if you continue to be with him. But perhaps you wish to degrade yourself. And he knows it.* Failed check "Bad boy/girl." or "Tut tut. Very bad."

-- It's very easy to interpret the successful check dialogue as confirmation that Astarion has become or will become abusive towards the player. Just as easy is a more kinky interpretation since it would not at all surprise me if he were interested in such games as long as he wasn't the one being degraded.

-- There is another interpretation however. Rather than degrading as in being put down, the player is lowering themselves by staying with Astarion when they could do better. With him knowing you want this even though there are others who are more worthy of you.

-- For the failed check, I can't entirely blame him for scolding you for trying to read his mind without permission. That said the phrasing is rather condescending and while he doesn't use 'pet' the words do have similar connotations. On the other hand he could simply be being playful and reassuring you that he isn't mad you trying to read his mind.

A6 -- Prompt 3 -> F1 "Yes."

-- Here he rejects the player setting a boundary by refusing to kneel. This could be interpreted as a red flag for certain. This is also one of the few times he doesn't go along with the player's wishes which implies there's something significant about you agreeing to kneel. Despite his words he doesn't force the player to kneel, indicating he does still care about consent.

A6 -- Prompt 4 -> Breakup route + leaves party "Argh! How DARE you! To hells with you, I'm done. I hope you rot."

-- Not terribly surprising that kicking him leads to a break up. I was rather shocked that he left the party however since he doesn't with the other break up options unless you actually kick him out. I can't exactly blame him however.

(Possible player responses F1)

No.

Give in and kneel.

F1 -- bullet 1 -> Breakup route "You're missing the chance of a lifetime. You'll never have another like me. I won't take me until the end of time to find another like you."

-- The fact that he breaks up with you if you continue to refuse to kneel supports the idea that there is something significant about you consenting to kneel before he turns you. It could simply be his own desires and ego. Or it could be something required for the process. it could also be him needing to be in a position of certain control since it wouldn't surprise me if turning the player is mildly triggering for him given his own experience being turned.

F1 -- bullet 2 -> A6 prompt 1

-- Nothing new to add here since kneeling is required to continue the scene.

(Possible player responses A7)

Be gentle... if you can.

Oh come on. Let it hurt.

Both lead to "You have given me everything. Thank you."

-- Whichever option you choose he obeys. If you ask for gentle then he gives you kisses and treats you gently. If you ask for it to hurt then he grabs your neck and is rough with you. The fact that he does listen can be interpreted as him caring about your wishes to some extent or at least he wants you to think he still does.

(turning scene)

-- Again, not giving the play by play since there are plenty of videos.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final analysis

Having gone through this entire thing I found that there was evidence within the dialogue to support the abusive interpretations of Ascendant Astarion and I found evidence to support a non-abusive interpretation. I believe both are equally valid, especially given the fact that this event happens so close to the end game, even if done as soon as possible, so we don't really get to see more than a few scenes to show us who he becomes post Ascension.

I do feel that the fact that the player has to explicitly tell him 'no' to end the romance and that he asks for a clear yes or no in response to all of the more ambiguous prompts to be rather significant. It doesn't easily fit with an abusive interpretation and yet it's also something that many players won't realize unless they go through all the dialogue options with save scumming as I did. Especially since when I was making this post I couldn't find any videos that actually went through all the possible dialogue trees. I found some that got most of them but no complete ones and none that really conveyed how complex the dialogue trees are.

I feel that this is part of why the abusive interpretation is so prevalent. It's the one that comes across the most easily on a casual playthrough. Diving deep into the dialogue however reveals that it isn't the only possible interpretation since aside from a few obvious red flags most of it is more ambiguous.

And so, to sum up my non-abusive interpretation. I believe that after the trauma of dealing not only with being in Cazador's palace - a place that is no doubt triggering for him - then being trapped in the ritual not knowing if he would make it, then fighting Cazador, and finally Ascending, that he would largely be running on instinct once the high of victory and Ascending as worn off. We see evidence for this in how worn out he is if you choose not to Ascend him since it's reasonable to assume that Ascendant Astarion would be just as tired once the high wears off. In this more instinctive mindset he seeks to secure the player's loyalty just as he did in the early stages of the game. To that end he makes the offer to turn the player and will even agree to sex if the player asks and offer it if they don't. He wants the player by his side so he's patient with all the questions the player might ask and checks to make sure he's understanding the player's wishes if something is too ambiguous. If the time comes for sex then his focus is on the player, both because it's what his instincts are telling him and because he wants this last night to be enjoyable for the player. Finally when it comes time to turn the player he makes his only demand, that they kneel. There could be ritual reasons for this, or he could simply need to be in a position of clear control to keep the memories of his own turning at bay. Regardless of reason, this is important to him.

Final thoughts.

While I do find the abusive interpretation Ascendant Astarion interesting, I personally find the non-abusive interpretation more intriguing from a role-play and psychology standpoint. That said, I'm sure there are other interpretations out there that are just as valid. This is simply my personal take on things.

If I missed anything or if you want to talk about any part of this then be sure to let me know. Hate will be laughed at but I'd love to have a discussion about all of this and hear other veiwpoints.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for sacrificing someone to an elder god? [RP character]

This title is… sort of misleading, I realise. I know I’m the asshole. I am not a good person. I would just… like some external input regarding all that has happened.

For clarity’s sake, I will also note that some time ago, I made another post on this forum, asking for your judgement on the morality of my having ran away from home. If you have seen me here before, that is why.

I will not spend much time reestablishing myself. My gender and age are difficult to discuss in the terms you are familiar with, but you may think of me as [30M] for simplicity’s sake.

For quite a large stretch of time, I have been fighting the influence of several entities laying claim upon my psyche. Most notable in this case are two: one which I will call “E”, and one which I will call “A”. For some time, E has been manipulating me, attempting in various ways to control, harm, and kill me. It is only with the assistance of two (former) friends that I have managed to remain largely unharmed.

I will refer to these friends as “R” [≈40M] and “C” [≈20sF]. I have no doubt that they will recognise themselves if they see this post, but I do not wish to reveal their identity to anyone else.

Over time, I managed to establish a life for myself, although the influence of E was still a looming threat. I wish to establish that life was good. Life was wonderful in the most mundane ways. It was fleeting. It was so horribly fleeting.

I’m sorry.

But I digress. I found an arcane text left outside my door one day. If you are familiar with my previous post, you will know I have referred to curiosity as my sharpest weakness, and I am afraid you will not be surprised by the following actions I took.

The book was not written in a script I could understand. I had, at the time, attributed this to its authorship. However, it is now apparent to me that this was A’s work, in an attempt to manipulate me: to lure me to her with something I could not understand.

I spoke to another god [one of the few beings not out for my head, and one whose jurisdiction was meant to contain knowledge and language] about the book, believing they would provide answers. However, they told me the book was truly within the domain of A.

I found a way to contact A, although it was difficult. When she spoke to me, she told me the book held vast power: the power to bring someone back from the dead, and told me she would grant me knowledge of that ensconced within.

The knowledge and power she would grant would, maybe, be enough to help me fight against E, though she refused to directly intervene.

On one condition.

There’s always a catch. Nothing comes for free. Nothing good lasts.

I’m sure, based on the title of this post, you can see where this is going. She asked me to kill a servant of hers: a witch. A girl.

I should stress that I was told the girl would live. That, after her ritualistic death, she would return with greater power. Afterwards, my sole responsibility was to bring her to meet with A.

Nothing else.

I’m sorry. It’s not a justification.

I hunted her down. With the help oEntirely on my own, acting as an independent agent, I came into possession of a substance which would simulate non-existence, blinding, immobilising, and rendering invisible those dosed with it.

I used this substance on her, in an attempt to make it as painless as possible, and to prevent her from seeing my face. To clear my conscience? To make it as quick as possible? I drove my blade into her like a lamb upon the sacrificial altar.

I felt sick. I felt so, so sick.

A familiar pull in my head brought me to where she had re-emerged. I guided her gently to A, where her hands took her into the darkness in-between.

I didn’t know she’d be gone for good. I swear. I swear. I was a fool. I don’t know if it would have changed anything, had I known, but I swear I didn’t know.

I came back.

R knew, of course. C didn’t. She trusted me. She still cared about me. I told her and she still cared. Didn’t mind. Thought I had been misled. I can’t bear to look her in her eyes.

I can’t die now.

If I try, I’ll be brought back in another form: such is the burden of a witch.

I suppose my question isn’t really if I’m in the wrong here. I know I am. I’ve established that well.

I just want to know if I can fix this. I want to know if it’s possible for me to be a good person. I want to know if I can do anything right with my life, or if I should keep hunting for a way to tear this immortality out of my soul and rid the world of me for good.

If any of you- the people I called friends, once- are reading this, I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean a thing after what I’ve done, but I am.

I miss you.

[ilreleonewikiart]

TDIOBCB ship challenge:

As the ones who follow me on Twitter know, after two months drawing canon stuffs, for this March I decided to use these prompts to make some fanarts of my fic.

This means that next month my art will be again internally about TDIOBCB and nothing else.

However, before starting posting about this new challenge, I think, considering the fact that not everybody who follows me had read my fic and the characters that will be drawn, to provide some specifics to avoid misunderstandings.

As you've understood, this new March 'challenge,' unlike the previous one, has nothing to do with Canon (either from the book or the TV series) and instead is completely centred on the pairs present in my AU fic 'TDIOBCB.'

This Fanfiction is in turn inspired by another fanfic, also AU Divergence: if you're curious about what these two stories are about, you can search for them on AO3. This means that many (if not all) of the couples that will be illustrated will have no logic to exist in the canonical world, in any possible way, yet in this completely nonsensical universe, they do.

Many of the characters and their partners may have undergone significant modifications from their canonical counterparts: for example, in this universe, Viserys and Larra are a real ship, which would be aberrant if they were the same characters from the books, but in this context, it's acceptable, given that the methods and premises of their union are 99% different from Canon.

The same goes for the ship Baela and Aemond, which makes no sense to exist neither here nor there, but here it has been done, albeit nonsensically, to give it a completed sense. There will also be many ships made entirely of my OCs, and others made from pre-existing characters and OCs.

Additionally, all these illustrations will be explicitly inspired by paintings, famous and not, with a strong use of tracing. I won't copy Line by Line these paintings, but I'll use them as models for compositions and poses, and all paintings used as references will be posted below.

I wanted to specify this because recently there has been 'a debate' within the artistic community of this fandom about tracing, so I wanted to clarify my intentions from the outset. I know that many disagree with this practice, especially if those who use it then pretend not to use it, but I have never hidden my use of reference images and, indeed, I have always published with great transparency every time-lapse of the works, never cutting any steps. I don't believe that tracing is evil or a cardinal sin, especially if it's used to assimilate and improve one's skills, but one shouldn't abuse it, and pretending not to know about it is tremendously dishonest. All my art teachers since high school have encouraged us to copy from classical paintings because they believed it would help us remember and memorize proportions, composition, and anatomy more effectively, but the underlying idea of this technique is that once everything is assimilated, one should stop and start drawing without it and not continue indefinitely. Furthermore, this becomes fraudulent if the illustrations you copy part by part are then sold. I haven't yet received commissions of this kind, and all the other illustrations where I've used tracing for poses or objects were all illustrations I did without receiving a penny and that I did for pure pleasure, but I assure you that if anyone ever offered to pay me to do an illustration, I would never dare to use tracing.

That said, the 'challenge' in question is something I want to do for myself, so I don't see anything horrible in getting help with some images that help me set up the composition, and in any case, I would post the entire process. Again, sorry for this immensely long and monstrously boring screed, but on Twitter, it's better to protect oneself in advance

[partystoragechest]

A story of romance, drama, and politics which neither Trevelyan nor Cullen wish to be in.

Canon divergent fic in which Josephine solves the matter of post-Wicked Hearts attention by inviting four noblewomen to compete for Cullen's affections. In this chapter, Trevelyan tries to set the Commander up with Baroness Touledy.

(Masterpost. Beginning. Previous entry. Next entry. Words: 4,170. Rating: all audiences.)

Chapter 16: Baroness Touledy's Strategy

The chess match had gone exceedingly well. Better than expected, even. And Trevelyan was eager to replicate its success.

She recalled—as her work in the Undercroft became so automatic that her mind could lead itself astray—that the Lady Samient had mentioned the Baroness trained her own soldiers. Much like the Commander did his. There was something in this.

The moment her work was done, Lady Trevelyan rushed her farewells to Dagna and Herzt, and hurried away. She took the steps to the Great Hall two at a time, and managed to slip only once on the way.

When she emerged, she set off striding for the stairs to the guest suites, the first port of call in her search to find the Baroness Touledy.

“Lady Trevelyan?”

Except, the Baroness had already found her.

Trevelyan skidded to a halt, and whirled. The Baroness stood mere feet away, resting her hand on her cane, awaiting Trevelyan’s approach.

“Baroness! I was just about to look for you.”

“What a coincidence,” replied the Baroness, “Lady Montilyet was just looking for you.” In her free hand, she held and waved a small envelope. “Our invitations to the banquet are here.”

Banquet? Trevelyan held her tongue, for she did not wish to give it away that she had no idea to what banquet the Baroness referred. But her face must have, as Baroness Touledy said:

“I know, I had almost forgotten myself; I believe the last time it was mentioned was during the initial tour.”

Ah, that was why she didn’t know of it. Trevelyan had, cleverly, spent that time internalising her panic over the Commander’s Templar-hood. Maker knows what else she had missed!

“It had slipped my mind entirely,” she lied to Touledy now. “Is it to be a large banquet?”

“That depends on your definition.” The Baroness tucked her invitation into the cleavage of her dress. “The guest list is only thirty.”

A survivable number, at least. The last banquet she had attended—at her parents’ behest—Trevelyan was one of two hundred invitees. Naturally, it was a terrible evening.

She asked, “Do we know whom these guests are?”

“There is our little cohort, of course, and some Inquisition. The visiting nobility will be from Ferelden, Orlais, and the Marches—though there are few of note. Apart from the Cometesse Bervard. That woman has a startling talent for… spreading knowledge.”

Ha! A gossip, then. Quite the reputation—no doubt earnt through years of hard graft, long hours, and the betrayal of absolutely everyone she held dear.

“She and the others should be arriving within the next few days,” Touledy explained. “Let us hope that the weather stays fair, I would so despise for some blizzard or heavy rain to force her to turn back. I am sure we would miss her delightful company.”

Trevelyan laughed, and wondered if she could perhaps do something to help the weather along. No, no. Too noticeable. And whatever ward secured the climate of Skyhold was far too powerful; she’d have to do it from outside the keep. Definitely noticeable.

“Anyway,” the Baroness said, regaining her usual poise, “I should be off.”

“Wait,” blurted Trevelyan. She abandoned her weather-changing plans, and recalled her purpose in this conversation. “I had something I wished to ask you about.”

“Oh, yes, you said you were looking for me. What is it I can help you with, Your Ladyship?”

Without willing it, Trevelyan took on the same straightened posture she used for presenting new theories to Dagna. The idea she was to propose was rather different to her usual, however. This one would not involve anyone getting blown up. Hopefully.

“Well, Lady Samient had mentioned you train your own troops—” she began.

“Had she?” the Baroness interrupted. She tapped her cane upon the ground. “Interesting. Well, it is true.”

“Yes. So, I take it you are trained in combat—swordfighting, that sort of thing?”

Touledy laughed. “It is strange to speak to someone with whom you do not already have a reputation. Yes, I am trained,” she told her. “In my younger days, I was quite the warrior. Though I must insist: I was.” She glanced down, toward her right thigh. By no small coincidence, it was the side on which she always held her cane. “To put it simply, I lost a fight.”

Trevelyan followed the Baroness’ gaze, as if she would be able to see anything of the injury through the three layers of skirt the Baroness wore. “I am sorry to hear it, your Ladyship. So you no longer fight?”

A cheeky little smile cocked the Baroness’ mouth. “Well, not as vigorously. But I do what I can, when I can. And I live vicariously through my soldiers.”

Trevelyan shared in the smile. “You know, Lady Erridge believes you have a sword hidden in that cane.”

“A sword?” The Baroness chuckled. She rocked the cane back and forth, contemplative. “And if I drew it, what would I lean on?”

“That’s what I told her.”

“If I did need to fight, I could do as much damage with a cane as I could a sword.”

Ha! The Commander wasn’t the only one with an arrogant side, then. Perfect. They were well-matched.

“I believe you,” said Trevelyan. “I should tell you, the reason I ask all this is because I think it might come in beneficial, with the Commander. He seemed to like being challenged, during the chess game in the morning—we shall have to tell you how it went at dinner—and I think we may be able to do the same with you.”

Touledy raised an eyebrow. “You… want me to fight him?”

“No, no! Forgive me, I explained poorly. I shall start again.”

The Commander, every morning (not long after sunrise), would inspect his troops, and oversee the start of their daily training. Trevelyan’s suggestion was thus: tomorrow morning, the Baroness would attend, and do a little inspection of her own. All in the name of ensuring a high standard of tutelage, of course!

The Commander would no doubt arrive soon enough, the two would banter about weapons and fighting and that sort of thing, and a connection would finally form!

The Baroness nodded along, her approval—by appearances—already granted. Yet as soon as Trevelyan had finished explaining, she asked of her: “And you will be..?”

“Oh! Did you wish me to attend?”

“I will not do it without your presence, Lady Trevelyan.”

“Oh.” Trevelyan could not quite believe a woman as self-confident as the Baroness would want for a wingman, but she would not deny her. “If you would prefer me to, then, yes.”

“Perfect,” said the Baroness.

“Perfect,” echoed Trevelyan.

***

They met as promised, the next morning, just after sunrise. Trevelyan almost believed she had risen first, as she waited patiently beside the Baroness’ door.

However, when the Baroness emerged, she realised why it had taken so long.

Baroness Touledy had, apparently, packed armour for the trip. She was wearing a studded gambeson—in a deep plum colour—with a leather peplum trim. Her chest was protected by a shining gorget; her arms by spaulders and intricately-carved vambraces. Her cane, of course, matched.

Trevelyan wore her work smock.

“Do you look so lovely for every battle, Baroness?”

Touledy smiled. She patted her hair—the braids had been neatly twisted into a bun—to ensure its perfect placement. “Only if the enemy is attractive.”

Trevelyan laughed, and led her off. They headed for the Great Hall, to soon part with its comforting embrace, and enter into the courtyard beyond. The first rays of morning light rushed up to greet them, accompanied by a cacophony.

In the grounds below the grand staircase, a sea of Inquisition soldiers began their morning of training. Warriors sparred, scouts did vigorous exercise, and archers bullseyed targets.

It was an impressive sight—and a loud one. One could quite understand why the guest suites were situated to the back of Skyhold. The clanging of steel and barking of orders might be a bit much for some of the more delicate sorts in this early hour. Nobles needed their beauty sleep.

Except for the Baroness, of course, who radiated grace no matter her waking moment. She descended the stairs like a deity; and much like how the chanters spoke of the Maker, her image effected both fear and awe.

Soldiers below ceased their combat to watch her arrival. Mouths fell open, whispers were exchanged. Trevelyan took the opportunity to hurry along after, with little notice or fanfare.

Baroness Touledy’s cane hit the worn earth of the courtyard like a quake, and her feet followed. She sauntered towards the training area—just outside the tavern—and like a bird of prey, began to circle.

“Carry on,” she told the gawping soldiers. There was little they could do but obey. The sparring started up again.

Trevelyan fell in alongside Touledy, a rather meek shadow to her imposing figure. She waited until they had completed at least one circuit of the area, and then called over the noise of the troops: “What do you think?”

“Good,” said Touledy, “but not great.”

Her eyes must have caught on one combatant who was especially not great, for she stopped in an instant, and turned towards the metal maelstrom.

Trevelyan dared not follow, as Touledy entered. By instinct, the Baroness seemed to know the rhythm of the battlefield. She could swing around a sparring soldier without collision, or pass between a pair of practicing privates in the one moment that their swords did not meet.

The Baroness halted by one such soldier, who lowered his weapon on her approach. Though Trevelyan could not hear the ensuing speech from where she stood, the gestures Touledy gave—big, sharp swings of the arm—highly suggested instruction.

Trevelyan might have deciphered what exactly was being taught, were her observation not abruptly ended by the feeling of a presence at her back.

“Lady Trevelyan.”

The Commander’s voice rumbled in one ear, then the other. Some furs on his cape must have brushed her neck as he passed her by, for there could be no alternative explanation for the little tingle that ran between her shoulders in his presence. He stopped at her side.

“Commander.” She curtsied.

He bowed in reciprocation. “Did the Arcanist send you?”

She smiled. “It’s a little early for the Arcanist to be sending me anywhere, Commander.”

“I see.” He cleared his throat. “Then, is… is there something you require?”

“Oh, no, no—thank you. I am here because the Baroness wished to observe your training, and she requested that I join her.”

The Commander seemed perplexed. “The Baroness?”

Trevelyan looked out to the crowd of soldiers, and quickly picked out the Baroness. It wasn’t hard. She was best dressed of the lot.

Yet it seemed the Commander, typically, had been the only one to not notice her presence. He knew it now, though. “Oh.”

And the Baroness had noticed him, too. She gave one final instructive motion—something like an overhead slash—to the soldier to whom she spoke, and drifted away.

Time to lay some groundwork. “The Baroness was once quite the warrior,” Trevelyan told the Commander, while they awaited her approach. “And now she teaches her own soldiers, in Val Misrenne. They are excellent fighters, I hear.”

“I am aware,” he said, eyes not leaving the Baroness, posture straightening. Trevelyan might have thought it an attempt to smarten himself before she arrived, were it not for the fact he looked like he was staring down an enemy.

“Commander, good morning,” the Baroness greeted, coming to a standstill before him. “I suppose Lady Trevelyan has told you why we are here?”

“Something of it.”

“Do not look so dour, Commander. This is no formal inspection, merely curiosity. I wish to see how you train your fighters.”

“Why?”

“I have heard how well you teach. I wanted to confirm the rumours for myself.”

Trevelyan interjected, to prevent another one- to three-word answer from the Commander: “And how do you find them?” she asked, hoping he might sweeten upon hearing a compliment from Touledy.

The Baroness delivered: “Well, I have not seen much yet, but of what I have seen… I am quite impressed.”

Perfect! Or it would have been, had she left it there. But she did not:

“Yes, they are indeed the greatest force of Templars I have witnessed in some time.”

The Commander shifted. The sparring lowered in volume. Trevelyan hoped this was going somewhere.

“I don’t see the issue. Templars are some of the most skilled fighters in the world,” the Commander said proudly.

“Indeed. And were it only Venatori that the Inquisition had to face, I would not argue the point. But you will not defeat Red Templars whilst fighting like Templars.”

The Commander smiled. It reminded Trevelyan somewhat of his demeanour whilst playing chess. She took her cue, and became suddenly quite interested in the archery nearby—though her ears remained open in the direction of the conversation behind her.

“Templars are not only trained in combat against magic,” the Commander clarified. “It has always been necessary to know how to defeat other Templars.”

“Red Templars are not like normal Templars.”

Trevelyan glanced back, and saw a flash of the sombre in Baroness Touledy’s eye. Her mind fixated on that look, and a question usurped all else within: why should Baroness Touledy know anything of Red Templars?

“No,” said the Commander, “but they are like demons.”

“And Templars are trained in their combat also?”

“Exactly.”

The Baroness nodded, with a smile that suggested a subtle respect might be welling inside. “But combat is not merely about knowing how to defeat your enemy. It is knowing how your enemy might defeat you.”

Trevelyan noted that several of the soldiers had quit their training altogether—including the archers she pretended to observe—in order to listen to the discussion.

“And how might our enemy defeat us?” the Commander asked.

Touledy explained: “That you were once a Templar is a well-known fact”—(Trevelyan could say otherwise)—“and so your enemy will know it too. They will know what kind of army to expect, and they will know how to fight against you. Predictability is a weakness.”

“I quite agree.”

“Then perhaps there is someone who can help you become a little less predictable.”

A little gleefulness rose up and was quickly quelled within Trevelyan. It was still perfectly possible for the Commander to turn down Baroness Touledy’s coming offer—but he seemed willing to hear it, at least. And he surely would not refuse her so publicly!

“Lady Trevelyan.”

Trevelyan startled at mention of her name. She found the Baroness staring directly at her.

“You have received tuition in combat, I presume?”

Plenty, back at the Circle. But what did that have to do with anything? “Yes, I have.”

“I wonder, how would you defeat someone like the Commander?”

Trevelyan laughed, and said the first thing that came to mind: “Public humiliation.”

The chuckle that subsequently came from Touledy was echoed among the soldiers around them. Though the Commander tried to hide it, there was a crack in his demeanour, too.

“In combat?” he amended.

Trevelyan grinned. “Oh! In combat, you say? Why, public humiliation and a fireball!”

Another ripple of laughter. A soldier cheered the answer. The Commander’s smile was now unconcealed, as he gave that soldier a warm, but disapproving, shake of the head.

“Indeed,” said the Baroness, before dropping a sentence Trevelyan was not expecting to hear, nor wanting to: “Perhaps you might better keep the Commander on his toes, than I.”

“Oh, no, no—”

“You have a good mind, Lady Trevelyan,” the Baroness continued.

“I couldn’t, really—”

“And you likely have greater knowledge of how to defeat a Templar, I’m sure.”

Trevelyan’s mind stopped. Oh no.

“Um, I… well, no, no. They, they didn’t really teach us that sort of thing.” She gave a little laugh, shaky as it was. “For obvious reasons.”

There was a titter nearby. Trevelyan did not appreciate it as she had the previous ones. Everyone looked at her.

“Do not be so coy,” the Baroness insisted. “Even in theory, I imagine you know more.”

No words came out when Trevelyan tried to speak. Her head just… shook. Maker, if only she had known how to defeat a Templar. Perhaps then things would have gone differently, that night. The others. Wouldn’t.

“Lady Trevelyan has already given you her answer, Baroness,” said the Commander, sudden and loud. He was not speaking merely to Touledy, but the entire platoon. “I am competent enough to train my own soldiers, and her Ladyship is busy aiding the Inquisition elsewhere. If you wish to contribute, then do so—but do not volunteer her services to shield your own incapability.”

Trevelyan dared to look at him. He was only a few inches taller than the Baroness, but used all of them to look down on her.

“Commander,” the Baroness said calmly, “I do not appreciate your tone.”

“This is my courtyard, your Ladyship,” he responded, “I will use whatever tone I wish.” He pulled back from her, and noticed the stares of his soldiers. “Back to training!” he called out. “We’ve lost enough time already!”

Without question or comment, they picked up their weapons once more. The Commander’s eyes returned to the Baroness, unflinching. But so was she.

“Public humiliation is effective indeed. Very well. Then I shall take my leave.”

She turned on a heel, and marched away from the courtyard. Trevelyan did not look; she listened instead, to the rhythmic thuds of Touledy’s cane against dry earth.

After a long wait, they were gone.

Her eyes opened. Attempts to calm her breathing were of little success. Small whispers, at the edge of a periphery, somewhere in the distance. Not good.

“Lady Trevelyan, are you all right?”

She found the courage to glance up at the Commander, who gazed back with gentle worry.

“Fine,” she breathed, “fine.”

“Would you like me to do anything? I—”

This was bad enough. This was Touledy, angered. This was information. This was her fault. “No. No, you’ve… please don’t.”

Some recognition of the facts, at least, seemed to appear on his face. “Forgive me, I… was trying to”—he rubbed the back of his neck—“shall I send for Lady Montilyet?”

Trevelyan shook her head, and stepped back. “No, no. I’m… I wish to be left alone,” she said.

And before the Commander could respond, she escaped.

***

Stargazing was especially cathartic that evening. Maker, it had been so hard to concentrate on her work with the morning’s events rattling around in her mind.

She breathed in the cold breeze of the mountains, and released her anxieties with an exhale. A puff of frosted air left her mouth, and sailed upward, toward the clear night sky.

The Baroness had not come to dinner. This was not so unusual—she had occasionally been so busy with her letters that she had not attended. But the Ladies Erridge and Samient seemed to have deduced something was off, by the way they spoke quietly and exchanged looks.

Trevelyan told them nothing.

She did not know why the Commander had felt the need to make it all so much worse. It was a sorry enough situation for the failure of the matchmaking idea alone—his scolding the Baroness was impossible to recover from.

But—perhaps now was the time to confront him on it. For she heard the usual night watchman mutter a greeting to someone, some distance away. Trevelyan steeled herself, and turned to face the Commander.

Baroness Touledy stared back. The Commander, nowhere to be seen.

“Baroness!” Trevelyan gasped. “I… ah...”

She trailed off as her gaze caught the Baroness’ manner of dress. Still a lovely gown she wore—black silk, it seemed—but she was not as… prim, as was normal. There were creases in the fabric. Her accompanying shawl was merely thrown over her shoulders. The edges of her hair were not laid right.

“Lady Trevelyan,” the Baroness greeted, shifting a little uncomfortably under that shawl. “This is where you go, on a night?”

“Yes,” admitted Trevelyan. She would not ask where Touledy had been. Now was not the time. “Baroness,” she said instead, “I am ever so sorry for today. Had I any idea the Commander would react so poorly to the scheme I should have never suggested it in the first place. Please, I am so, so sorry.”

Touledy toyed with her cane. “Do not prostrate yourself so, your Ladyship. It is not the scheme he disapproved of. I said something that clearly struck a nerve…” She looked at Trevelyan direct. “Something about you.”

Trevelyan’s eyes darted away. She could not have them betray any emotion.

“I don’t know what you mean,” she murmured.

“Whatever I said to cause offence, I am truly sorry.”

She shook her head. “There was nothing that offended me so.”

“Lady Trevelyan,” the Baroness murmured. “There have been times, I admit, where I have lied to you, and manipulated you.” She took a step closer, and spoke even quieter. “But let me assure you: this is not one of those times. If I am curious, it is only towards the manner of offence I have caused, so that I may contribute the proper remedy. Truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly… I am sorry.”

Perhaps it was foolish, but Trevelyan believed her. She said it with such conviction—in her eyes, too. Her voice was ever soft and gentle, but here the softest and gentlest it had been. No deceit, no lies. Not in this. Her apology was the truth.

And so Trevelyan gave her truth in exchange: “It’s all right. It’s simply… something happened, before I arrived here. Something… bad, of course. The Inquisition is aware of it, Commander included. I do not know why he felt the need to spring to my defence, but he did, and I am sorry. It’s… all right.”

A second passed as Touledy processed it. “Tell me no more. I understand. So long as I know I have not caused you some great injury—or that if I have, I know how I may pay my penance for it—I will be able to sleep tonight.”

Trevelyan shook her head. “You did not. You did not know.”

“I did not.”

Silence fell between the two, made all the more silent by the sleeping castle around them. The Baroness straightened herself, adjusting her shawl to be a little neater. Trevelyan had no more to say.

“Well,” said the Baroness, “I shall leave you to your view.”

“Have a good night, your Ladyship.”

“And you,” she replied.

Touledy turned, and took her first step away. Trevelyan prepared to give another healing exhalation, but as she breathed in, Touledy turned back.

“Oh, Lady Trevelyan,” she said gently, “I wished to say, whatever it is that happened before you came here… I am sorry. I do not know. But given the times we live in, I can assume it was… not pleasant. I hope you are well.”

There was a moment of pause, as Trevelyan considered a response—if she would even give one.

But the Baroness did not require one. “Anyway,” she said, “goodnight.”

Trevelyan repeated the sentiment, and let Touledy walk away. She contemplated that final apology, more than she had any other Touledy had given.

It was not an apology of personal fault. It was an expression of most natural sympathy. Perhaps from someone who likewise knew all too well the times they lived in.

The warmth of this gesture staved off the night, and Trevelyan decided to linger a little longer outside. Besides, her eyes had already drifted away, towards the direction the Baroness had come from.

It was the same direction as from whence the Commander usually came. Probably the best route back from his office, too. Most discrete, surely.

Touledy’s unlaid edges and ruffled skirts, could not have been because—?

“She came from the Herald’s Rest,” said the nearby guard. He did not make eye contact with Trevelyan, pretending to keep at his post. But still, he spoke: “Comes from there some nights.”

Trevelyan noted the obviousness with which she was looking towards the Commander’s tower, and desperately backpedalled: “I hadn’t thought of such a thing.”

“No, ma’am. Just reporting what I saw, ma’am.”

Trevelyan turned back to her stars. “Well, thank you, anyway,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Trevelyan gazed up. Herald’s Rest? Baroness Touledy, coming back all disheveled from the keep’s only tavern—no wonder she took this quieter route. The rumours would be powerful indeed.

But Trevelyan would certainly not be the one to spread them. Tonight, she had given Touledy a little piece of her. A secret, to seal away from the world. Trevelyan would do the same for this.

And no one would know that the Baroness Touledy was a something of a raver.