#i didn't realize how emotional i'd be about this until i started typing it??

[ddejavvu]

Hey there! First of all I adoreeee your work, honestly no one writes tasm Peter Parker and Miguel O'Hara like you do, just so so much talent c:

And now I'm curious about something elseee, more specifically your taste in kpop, bc I saw that your favorite groups were Svt, Ateez, and Monsta X (you said that some time ago which could totally mean that things changed) and so I wanted to know who are your biases, maybe your favorite albums of each group, and about anything that you'd like to share about your time and experience stanning them, I would love to know if you're comfortable sharing!!

hi love! i do believe you have me confused with someone else because i haven't written for tasm!peter in a very long time and i actually have never written for miguel! but i do like svt, mx, and ateez, and i'd love to tell you about my kpop experience <3

so as the seasons change and my hobbies and interests change as well i find myself listening to other genres of music, and right now kpop isn't my priority. i still enjoy it, i still listen to it sometimes, but it doesn't have my full and complete attention anymore. that being said, i definitely still care about the groups and idols that i stan, svt being my ult group and mx and ateez coming in just beneath them.

my svt biases are seungcheol, jeonghan, and minghao, (seungcheol ult <3), and it's honestly so hard for me to pick a favorite album of theirs, i'm tempted to go with the copout answer of 'all of them', but i think attacca holds a very special place in my heart. i think that h:g is also very special to me though, as well as teenage. i almost feel guilty saying that teenage is one of my favorites, because they've talked a lot about how the production of that album was very hard on them, and how many of them weren't in a great place, but it has so many wonderful songs on it that helped get me into them as a group. i will say that i felt a lot more connected to their fandom before attacca era and onward, but that's because i feel most comfortable in smaller spaces, and while they were by no means an unknown group back then, they have gained tremendous popularity as of late (so proud of them!!!!!!), and that makes it a little harder for me to fit into the fandom. that being said, i still adore them all, and they're a huge part of my life. my best friend introduced me to svt, and it strengthened our bond so much, because we were just getting to really know each other at the time, and we grew so so so close through their music and through them. their concerts are amazing experiences, they give us so much and they're so mesmerizingly talented at what they do. i've sobbed so hard at a seventeen concert that the girl next to me who i'd never met before reached over to hug me and tell me that it was going to be okay (but who can blame me, it was during thanks </333). i've been with my best friend to see seventeen four times, twice at kcon, and twice at their own concerts. we've also seen a number of their online streams, like caratland, and the power of love concert. i flew up to visit her during our first year of college to watch POL with her, and we stayed up in her little tiny dorm bed and tried not to wake her roommates with our freakouts :')) some of my favorite pictures of the two of us are at seventeen concerts flashing our caratbongs and holding onto each other. i will always associate them with her and the wonderful friendship i found in her, and i will forever be grateful to seventeen for bringing me closer to her.

ateez was a group that i got into pre-debut, and i think that's probably why they're so special to me, besides the fact that they're fantastic at what they do, of course. my bias is hongjoong, and i've cycled through pretty much all of the rest of them as bias wreckers, but if i had to choose now i think i would say mingi, jongho, or yunho. i just <3333 i love them all <3333 like i said before, i got into ateez predebut, and they debuted when i was still fairly new to kpop, so they were the first group i'd stanned before/during debut, and i got to watch them grow and develop which was so awesome :') i actually was there for skz's debut too but they just didn't catch me like ateez did! i love all of ateez's albums, but i can say with 100% confidence that answer is my favorite song of theirs. it was my most streamed song in 2019 (?)/2020, and every single time i hear the opening i get chills. i don't know why i've attached myself so wholly to that song but it's so incredibly special to me and if i had to choose one song to listen to for the rest of my life i think that'd be it. it is so raw and powerful and hauntingly beautiful in sound alone, and ateez always produces such wonderful lyrics on top of that. i've got their lightstick (which is gorgeous and one of my favorite things that i've ever owned), and i've seen ateez twice at two different kcons, but every time i've tried buying their concert tickets i'm not able to get them in time </33 one day !!!

monsta x !!!! i've liked monsta x for a really long time as well, i think i was introduced to them around the same time that i was introduced to svt, they just didn't stick the same way. my bias is hyungwon, and my wrecker was wonho. it feels unfair to say 'was' like i don't like him anymore or something, because that's quite the opposite. i love him, but as he's technically no longer a part of the group i'm not sure if i'm supposed to say 'is' or 'was'. whatever the answer is, i love wonho <3333 but if i had to choose another wrecker, one that's still officially under the group's name, i think i'd probably choose shownu. i love him, i love them all, i love monsta x <33333 i'm not attached to one of their albums more than any others, but i do have very fond memories of waiting up until 2AM with my best friend for We Are Here to drop. i typically don't like kpop groups' english releases as much as their typical discography, but their venture into english releases with an entire album and several beautiful singles captivated me and i thoroughly enjoy the way that they expanded their horizons. some of my favorite songs of theirs are entirely in english, i love middle of the night, i love love u, but above all i think my favorite song of theirs might be one day. it makes me tear up no matter how many times i've listened to it, it's just so delicately sad and sweet. on a completely different note, the opposite end of the spectrum, hero makes me feel like i've got a massive dick and balls. thank u monsta x for creating the banger of the century with that one. i tried getting tickets to monsta x concerts twice, and i couldn't :( but i did get to see them at kcon one year, which was absolutely awesome :') i have their lightstick but i didn't at the time that i saw them </33

[illubean]

Could I get headcanons for Feitan, Illumi, Leorio, and Chrollo falling for gn!reader who by all means seems like a strong, nuturing, emotionally stable individual but every once in awhile casually says or does smthin that makes people go "Oh you're a little fuckin nuts, actually"

(e.x.: Most of their D.I.Y. furniture is made of different kinds of bone, morbidly interested in the more gorey parts of their jobs, probably works in a field that allows them to be around the dead often like a taxidermist or a mortitian, highkey just unabashashedly a morbid little freak™️ whenever it comes up naturally in conversation but otherwise comes across as just an attentive lil guy you could bring home the average parents would love.)

HXH Men with a Morbid!S/o

Characters: Leorio Paladaknight, Illumi Zoldyck, Chrollo Lucilfer, Feitan Portor Type: Headcanons, Gn!reader

this is so me

Warnings: dead things and body parts and stuff

Leorio Paladaknight

being an aspiring doctor, Leorio thought that your knowledge on both human and animal anatomy was pretty useful

at first he didn't think much about your job and just assumed you were some type of doctor or biologist or something

he often asks you questions as he studies and you're a pretty good tutor

the first time Leorio realized you were kinda weird is when one day you were walking down the street and saw some roadkill

and you were like "aww too bad, the skin and bones are too damaged to harvest"

and you kept walking like it was normal while he was like ?!!??!?

or you guys were having a normal conversation and you say something like

"if you died i'd taxidermy you and re-articulate your skeleton so you'd be with me forever <3"

1 taxidermizing humans is illegal and 2 WHAT

he is cold sweating wtf did he get himself into

when he comes to your house for the first time and sees a bunch of bones, animal skins and wet specimens he damn near passes the fuck out

how do you just casually have dead things and remains around your house!?

AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU MADE YOUR COFFEE TABLE OUT OF CAMEL BONES?

he is freaking the fuck out and you're just like "dw everything is ethically sourced :D"

yeah he thinks you're a freak and he is too fearful to break up with you ever (not like he was planning to anyways)

Illumi Zoldyck

whatever drew Illumi to you had to have been some type of power

aside from that power, to Illumi you were relatively normal and had a good grip on your emotions which made you a perfect candidate

that being said he could care less what your job was, you'd just end up working for or with him eventually

when he started bringing you around the estate, you often sought out their guard dog Mike and Illumi couldn't think of why

that is until you came back one day with a human femur and bright smile on your face

"... where did you even get that?" "From one of Mike's victims. If I collect enough I could make a whole set of bar stools!"

he blinked at you and chose to ignore your statement

i mean, to each their own am i right?

so you have ah hobby, big deal

Illumi just thinks you're pretty normal personality wise until you randomly but casually drop information about what you do in your free time or have in your home

so now whenever he has a job Illumi calls you in for cleanup

you get to do.... whatever it is you do and there's no evidence of a dead body left behind, it's a win win

Chrollo Lucilfer

he couldn't care less what your job is because it's probably not worse than his 😭

he didn't really notice anything "morbid" about you until he asked about your jewlery

you wore things like resin caster bug pendants or bird skull earrings and stuff

he just assumed they were fake and you bought them because they looked badass

but then you told him you make it all YOURSELF

he is intrigued

he doesn't really question you past that because you were probably buying the bones and stuff somewhere (spoiler alert you're not)

what really caused him to think was when you casually just picked up a dead rat off the floor in some abandoned building you were exploring and suck it in your pocket

bro was so confused

"What do you need that for?" "To make a new necklace :3"

yeah now he knows that your odd taste in jewelry goes deeper than just that

he won't judge you though, if anything you're a better person than he is considering you don't kill things yourself

he is literally a murderer and a thief and has committed like 3467633788 crimes so he couldn't judge even if he wanted to

so now when he sees dead animals and what not he bags them up and brings them to you

he likes to sit in on your cleaning and making process

you seem like a perfectly normal and sweet person to everyone else but Chrollo knows about your freaky little hobby and it just makes him like you even more

Feitan Portor

I feel like for you and Feitan to even be acquainted you have to be part of the troupe

whatever you do outside of it is your business

buttttttt since you are his s/o and Feitan is probably homeless he crashes wherever you are

thus him finding out about your hobby and other job

out of everyone on this list he is the most interested

he too is a morbid little freak

he goes with you to find things and will help you with the cleaning/taxidermy or whatever process if you let him

what he doesn't understand though is why you don't just kill the things you want instead of hunting for already dead things

sometimes he will go catch like a squirrel or something and bring it back to you like a cat and tell you he found it like that

Fei baby. No the fuck you didn't

after doing what you're doing for so long you can tell what caused an animal to die but you wouldn't tell him that

he's just so cute and wants to be supportive of your hobby <3

[madl-y]

✧. ┊— asking all the time (about what I should do)

3 times you and Togame ask another person for advice on what to do with your feelings (oblivious to the fact that said feelings are reciprocated), and the 1 time you asked each other instead.

sypnosis - You and Togame struggled on what to do with the realization that the both of you have feelings for each other. In result, some members of Furin and Shishitoren end up having to give advice. (Even though most of them suck at it.)

> this is f! reader, sorry for the gn readers out there.. also, beware of spelling and grammar mistakes :"D I am weak in vocab and just started writing again so I tend to repeat the same words and phrases and expressions so.. yeah :"c

> so uhh,, guess who got into windbreaker??!! (if you couldn't tell by the amount of reblogs of togame...)

> fluffy fluff! and some crack? hopefully not too ooc! :"D pls enjoy hihi :DD (sparkle banners were made by me.. they kinda suck)

> not proofread !!

1 - 3

TOGAME to SAKURA

"Haaah..?! W-Why would you think I'd–!"

If Togame wasn't feeling a dillema at the moment, he'd be teasing Sakura with the way he reacted so flustered by asking a simple advice on what he should do.

"Y-You crazy or something?! Do I look like I'm the type to..!" Sakura grumbled in irritation and helplessness as he flushed in embarrassment immensely at the way Togame mentioned how he wanted to date you.

For some reason, Togame decided Sakura was one of the people he should ask advice on how to ask you out.

"Hmm..? Have you never experienced having a crush?" Togame curiously stared at Sakura, tilting his head. Speaking and moving with his usual slowed tempo.

If Togame thought Sakura couldn't be more red in the face—

"H-HUH?! AND IF I HAVEN'T?!" Sakura banged his hands on the metal rail on the rooftop. Yelping and cursing in pain while the heat spread until his neck.

—clearly, Togame was wrong.

He chuckled at Sakura, "Aww, how pure." His grin turning to a slight smirk and dodged the incoming plastic wrapper aimed to his head.

"You wanna take this outside, bastard?!" The youngest growled in annoyance while pointing down to the open area of Shishitoren's base. While Sakura's threat was usually lighthearted, (even though he is ready to brawl), it wouldn't fool anybody with how embarrassed he is.

Togame brought a hand up to his neck as he thought of his situation with you. "Well, I've never felt this way before." He started, glancing away while staring at the sun that was slowly setting. An orange hue covered the sky which made the scenery much more beautiful.

You always love the view of the sky from the rooftops of Shishitoren.

Togame loves it too. But he prefers it if he's with you.

"Even the sky from here reminds me of her too. It feels so unfamiliar, but..." The marble of the ramune bottle clinks softly against the glass. Sakura felt another heat rise to his cheeks but kept quiet.

Togame smiled in thought, "I don't think I dislike it." He continued. Inhaling deeply before a frown slowly formed. Showing his usual nonchalant look that everyone is so familiar with but Sakura could see the emotions hidden in his eyes.

Togame's shoulder slumped in defeat, "I'm afraid I might say the wrong things again." His mind briefly flash to when Choji's eyes loose that sparkle.

He didn't want a repeat of that from Choji. They're getting better, Choji and him.

But he doesn't think he'll handle losing you unintentionally.

He heard Sakura click his tongue. "...I think you're just overthinking it."

Togame blinked slowly, his mouth parted slightly in surprise. Sakura, despite the flaming heat on his cheeks, shoved his hands in his pocket and continued. "If you really... l-like.. her.." Sakura cleared his throat, "t-then I don't you should have much of a problem in.. you know."

Togame watched in amusement as Sakura's hands flailed helplessly.

"You know..! Saying what you really wanna say or somethin'. You'd give your all in thinking about it, and the fact that you're worried.. I mean.." Sakura found it really hard to compose the proper words that he wanted to convey in his mind. He's doesn't have that flowery language like Suo does, or the straight forward but kind advice like Nirei.

He groaned in annoyance as he shaked his head and pointed at Togame. "You know what I mean!"

Sakura could feel steam blowing out of his ear from sheer want to crawl in a tunnel and never want to have this kind of conversation again.

"Plus, from what I know, she's a pretty understanding person. So.." Sakura sighed and gave Togame a shaky thumbs up while looking away.

"...Y-You got this.." Togame could see the redness in Sakura's ears. He smiled in appreciation.

"You really suck at giving advice, you know."

"Y-YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CALLED ME YOU BASTARD—!"

YOU to CHOJI

Out of all people you didn't expect to find out who you like—

"So it is Kame-chan! You like Kame-chan!! You're so obvious!" Choji grinned delightfully as he finally managed to make you indirectly confess who you have feelings for.

"You like Kame-chan! You like Kame-chan!" He bounced around you with his arms up in the air while giggling.

—you really, really, did not expect for Choji to actually be the first one to bring it up.

"Choji.." You sighed in exasperation.

Thankfully, Choji stopped going around in circles (literally) before sending you a sheepish smile. "I'm glad to know you're one of the people who really cares about him."

You thought the sun was bright, but damn Choji's smile is brighter that you couldn't help but smile back embarrassedly.

"I mean.. I do.." You scratched the back of your neck.

"Then you're gonna confess?!"

You dropped your water bottle in surprise. Choji watching as you jump in pain as the bottle hit your toes.

"I-! I don't know?!" You grimaced at the confusion in Choji's face. "Why not?" He tilt his head. A small pout forming on his lips.

"Because!" You flailed.

"Because?" Choji parroted.

"BECAUSE!" You stomp your foot in stubborness. Choji couldn't help but flinch at the sudden outburst, yet that grin of his stayed.

Silence ensued the two of you. You, looking off to the side as you crossed your arms, brows pinched together while your heart kept pounding loudly at the idea of merely confessing to Togame.

Choji, who still has that grin, yet displays a confused expression, a drop of sweat forming on back of his head.

He thinks that when it comes to you confessing, its no doubt that it's hopeless.

For now.

Choji sighed, deciding to take pity in you, and pat your back in condolences. He smiled reassuringly after meeting your eyes.

"I don't think you should be worrying too much." He says with full confidence, and usually that alone gets you to either calm down or feel better.

Instead, you felt your chest getting heavier, feeling dejected as your body seemed to subtly slumped over.

Of course, Choji still has that confusing smile.

"Easy for you to say.." You whined softly.

You heard a snicker beside you, whipping your head to his direction offendedly.

"Sorry, sorry!" The shorter one couldn't help but laugh, "It's just that, it is easy for me to say. I know Kame-chan well!"

You blinked at the sudden sparkles in his eyes as he grabbed you shoulders, "And I know you too! You're a wonderful person." He said sincerely.

Choji gave you one last pat in the shoulder and turned to go ahead where the members of Shishitoren were calling for him. He looked over his shoulder, giving you that smile that you always appreciated.

"Besides, knowing Kame-chan, everything will be alright!"

You watched dazedly as he hopped off joyfully to join his members.

"...That doesn't help!" You thought.

You prayed to whatever god out there, that Choji keeps his mouth shut and doesn't screw everything up.

2 - 3

YOU to KOTOHA

Again, you wondered how in the hell is it that you ended up being found out just from your emotions alone.

"SO IT IS LIKE THAT! Ha! You're such an open book, you know?"

The spoon in your hand that's filled with omurice starts to shake, some if the rice and eggs slightly splatter on the counter.

"HEY! I just cleaned that." Kotoha complained while you still had to process how Kotoha just knew from your expression alone.

"How did you even know?!" I whined while slamming the spoon on the plate.

Kotoha rolled her eyes, "Duh, who else, aside from Sakura, always wears their heart on their sleeves? Plus, you weren't subtle at all with all the 'what ifs' and, I quote 'just a hypothetical situation that relates to my friend' bullshit." She said, creating quotation marks in the air.

You've never felt this called out in your life.

You had to clench your chest with your hand as you felt like arrows just pierced right through them. Kotoha smirking at you as she placed a cup of water on the counter.

"Well, back on the matter at hand. You're asking if you should confess, right?" She sighed, bringing her hands up in her hair while removing her hairtie and leaned on the counter.

You felt her calculating gaze (she does that more often than you realize) while you felt so exposed and flustered.

"I mean, I really did not expect that someone, especially an outsider, managed to befriend Shishitoren's leader and second in command." You watch as Kotoha smiled before patting your head. "But again, it is you. I guess I was worried for nothing when you said who had a part time job in Shishitoren's turf."

"For the most part, I didn't expect it either." You sighed while midlessly picking around the plate. Ignoring the scolding from Kotoha as she noticed the way you put aside the carrots.

"But here's the real question, do you want to confess?"

You paused, the spoon in your hand went still as submerged in the omurice further. The question really got you thinking.

...It's only recently that you realized you like Togame.

You recalled breifly the way, right at the time you recently got a part-time job in Shishitoren's turf. Right when you were serving as a waiter, one of the customers acted so rudely in fron of you, yet you had to be professional.

It was then when Togame stepped in and settle things down. Well.. he did it rather threateningly.

Once you spotted him again on your way to your job, you thanked him by providing a huge discount, yet he declined it.

You were mesmerized with his smile as he assured you and was quick to decline. He was so much different than when he practically slammed the asshole on the table.

Just then, you got acquainted with Choji who soon frequented the restaurant you served in. He was surprised, yet delighted to know that Togame has "made a new friend!".

The three of you started hanging out.

The grip of your spoon tightened as you tried to calm yourself down. Feeling another wave of heat spread across your cheeks while also pondering on the question Kotoha asked.

Do you really...

You met Kotoha's eyes as she patiently waited for your answer.

You tried to imagine it, you confessing.

Togame and you talking about random things, the wind and the bright hues of the sunset you two were fascinated to look at settled over you two like a comfortable blanket at the rooftop of Shishitoren.

Togame handing over a bottle of ramune, opening it for you like always does.

And finally, you confess.

Your bring up how you appreciated him, and its not just a simple 'I appreciate you', no.

The way you tell him how you find joy whenever he remembers the little things that you brought up in past conversations. How you find yourself being calm whenever you look into his eyes, despite the chaos ringing in the battlefield he and Choji are in, because some guys can't handle the word no.

He is like a blanket, despite his big build and packed muscle. Like a blanket, not because its soft and fluffy, but he fills you with warmth with how much he cares and how gentle he is.

And his smile.

You tell him, you appreciate his smile. It looks good on him, of course, but also because its the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of him. Of Togame Jo, the second in command of Shishitoren.

Togame Jo, the first person you've fallen for.

Despite all that, the reality of rejection weighed on you like a boulder that's hanging over your head.

You finally speak, "...Maybe not, afterall."

Kotoha pursed her lips, just by seeing the sad look on your face, she knows already what you're thinking.

She knows that if she pushes the subject further, you'll be more inclined to either stick with what you said or change the subject.

The door to the entrance rang, making you snap back to reality as customers enter.

"Finish your omurice." Kotoha reminded, before going off to handle the new customers.

She subtly glances at your direction and sighs, "Really, why is she so dense?"

TOGAME to SAKO

Togame couldn't help the slight raise on the corner of his mouth as Sako sputtered in his drink.

"W-What? That's what you want to ask me about..?!"

This is really reminding him of his last conversation with Sakura. Are all the people he knows are just bad with romance advice?

"What? What did you expect me to talk to you about?" Togame leaned back on the wall as he glanced at the side where other Shishitoren members were talking and having fun with each other out in the sun.

He and Sako were under roofed building, where he called Sako over to talk about something important.

"When you said 'something important', I thought it meant something related to Shishitoren or something.." Sako sighed while fanning himself as the heat of the sun became hotter than usual.

("You're wearing a turtleneck in this heat?" Togame pointed out.

"It's thin." Sako glared the ground.)

"But I am part of Shishitoren." Togame grinned.

"You know what I mean..!" Sako grumbled in reply.

Sako seethed in irritation (although lighthearted) while Togame just grinned and chuckled.

"Why are you even asking me this? Isn't Tomiyama-san better to ask about..." Sako waved his hand uncertainly, "..you know, you and her?"

"Ah well, I believe you're one of the closest members that she's interacted with. And Choji..." Togame drifted off, watching Tomiyama saying something enthusiastically to the other members.

Very enthusiastic, seeing as how he's jumping everywhere.

"I don't think Choji's really good to ask these kinds of stuff. Plus, I think you're a cool guy."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Sako bit his tongue to refrain from retorting, his forehead and eyebrows are twitching.

He huffed and looked away, crossing his arms. "We just talk sometimes, that's all." Sako recalled the times you had talked to him energetically while treating the minor wounds after a scuffle.

Afterwards, you realized how much he liked visiting cafes, and that the both of you had similar tastes. Every chance you get, you recommended him some good cafes that you know about and he'd give his feedback later on.

Later on, the group jokes about how Sako is being pampered with sweets.

(The teasing continues despite the attempted murders from Sako.)

"Why are you concerned though? Doesn't look to me that if you confess it's going downhill." Sako raised a brow in curiousity.

And honestly speaking, he actually thought at least one of you had confessed already.

But color him surprise that their second in command is asking for advice related to crushes.

"There's a possibility though, especially when she doesn't feel the same."

...He's got to be kidding.

Sako scrunched his face trying to see if Togame is joking or not.

Said man looks down slightly dejected.

...Oh boy.

If someone were to tell Sako that you're dense as a rock, he wouldn't be surprised. (The amount of times some Shishitoren members tried to flirt with you ended up being a laughing stock with the way you misinterpreted it.)

"Especially.. you know, if I might say the wrong things. Wouldn't wanna scare her or somethin'." Togame continued finally looking at Sako–

He blinked at the way the younger member stared at him like he grew multiple heads.

Sako didn't actually think Togame was dense as well, seeing how he's able to easily tease a lot of people.

"Hm? Sako?" Togame waved a hand in front of Sako.

The younger blinked and grit his teeth, "YOU'RE HOPELESS!"

Togame stared in surprise as he watched Sako stomp away with his arms crossed. Its rare that Sako raises his voice like that.

He sighed, slowly sliding down the wall as he sat on the ground. "At least Sakura gave some form of encouragement.."

Togame sat there for a while.

Maybe Sako's not wrong afterall.

He thought of the way your hands fits his whenever he guides you around.

Or when you cup his cheek so endearingly that if he tried so hard to not blush at the contact, yet the act of you worrying about him gets him flustered anyways. (He's just good at composing himself.)

Or that time he wanted you all by himself just because other members in Shishitoren were delighted by your presence as you started hanging around them more often.

He thinks about you. Your smile, your patience, the way you're so easy to tease which gets him the most satisfying and adorable expressions from you.

And of course, he thinks about the idea of you being his.

...Yeah, Sako's definitely right in calling him hopeless.

3 - 3

TOGAME to UMEMIYA

"KAME-CHAN! UME-CHAN IS HEEERE!" Choji's loud voice rang throughout the building that even people inside the abandoned theater could hear.

Togame sat up in intrigue. What's the top of Furin doing here again?

He scratched his head while yawning. Fortunately, he got a good amount of rest from the short nap he took.

Togame wanted to isolate himself for a while just to think about what he's gonna do with his feelings for you. Let alone the idea of wanting to be yours.

He realized he dozed off, it was still a good nap though.

Standing up while patting his pants from the dust, he walked and looked over the metal rail trying to see Choji and Umemiya.

He blinked when they're not there—

"KAME-CHAN!"

—He nearly stumbled right into the metal bars as ghe door to the rooftop slammed open. Revealing an excited Choji holding take out bentos on each hand, with Umemiya also holding takeout inside plastic bags.

The two were practically sparkling.

"Choji, don't be too loud." Togame lightly scolded. Rubbing his temples while trying to ease the incoming headache that he felt starting from his neck.

He should really be much more aware of his sleeping positions.

"Now, now," Umemiya chuckled, walking right towards Togame and brought his arm around Togame's shoulders. Choji followed right after and tugged on the left arm of Togame's. "Let's get this party started!" Umemiya cheered excitingly, as he and Choji pulled the 'just-awoke-from-a-nap-Togame' towards the floor.

Man, maybe he should've continued sleeping.

The three continued to set up their spontaneous low-budget picnic area. Dragging used cardboards and setting up the foods before they sat down. Choji and Umemiya talking and having fun while Togame stood quiet yet smiling at the atmosphere.

Finally, they were ready to eat.

"Thank you for the meal!" Umemiya yelled, the three of them clapped their hands together while giving thanks.

"Ah, it's been a while since we've had this!" Umemiya hummed while munching on the fried tonkatsu.

"You bet! At least the weather isn't too hot this time around." The leader of Shishitoren munched on the bread that Umemiya brought, eyes sparkling at the taste.

"Why do you guys have the best breads?!"

"Well, we just do!" Choji and Umemiya grinned while stuffing their mouths full. Talking about whatever that came to their minds. Togame, who's more on the introverted side, continued to listen. Talking whenever Choji or Umemiya ask for his opinion.

"See! I told you lemon juice is better drinking in the heat!" Argued Choji, glaring half-heartedly at Umemiya who is quick to counter. Saying something like "apple juice is much better and is the classic!"

Honestly, Togame wasnt really listening.

Instead, he was focused on his phone. Staring at the cute picture of you petting a stray cat that you found.

You weren't in the picture, but still.

The cat is cute too.

"This cat kinda looks like you. Very fluffy fur with green eyes." seen.

Togame chuckled, deciding whether to reply or not (he is lazy like that) until another message was sent.

"And looks very sleepy and lazy." seen. reacted with a thumbs down

He refrained from smiling, not wanting to get caught and to distract the other two from their "fun" debate. Togame wouldn't know what to do if Choji, much less Umemiya, ask why did he look so giddy all of a sudden.

He did that mistake more times than he can count with Choji. Smiling whenever you're there. Even if it was something that's stupid, he finds it adorably stupid. Then out of nowhere, Choji would point out that Togame's smiling more than usual, and Togame didn't notice he was doing it afar like a love-struck idiot.

It was a good thing Choji's easy to convince.

Togame huffs while putting the phone in his pocket. He usually doesn't reply to messages (he never does) but he'll be sure to give you a light scolding for your message the next time you visit Shishitoren.

It was then that Togame was once again reminded of his feelings for you. He's still undecided on what he should do.

One would think that they should confess just to get over it. If the person you like returns the same feelings, then good for them. If not, then they'll either move on and try to remain friends.

Togame knows you're an understanding person. A trait that he likes about you, which made him spill some of his worries from time to time. When you're the one who's having troubles, he's there to listen as well.

Still, deep down he knows he'll get hurt at the chance of you rejecting him.

He also doesn't know what to do if there's someone else that manages to capture your heart. You, someone he wants to be with every moment. He wants to be the only one that can receive your never ending kindness and love.

However, is there someone that you like?

Togame felt his appetite loosing.

"AH! I forgot to give the rest of the bottled drinks to the other members!" Togame slightly flinched at the sudden outburst from Choji. Who hurriedly grabbed the cooler set aside and picked up it above his head. Running towards the door while yelling out a 'I'll be right back! Don't finish the food...!"

Umemiya and Togame's eyes meet. The Bofurin leader giving a shrugged smile to Togame.

"So Togame... I've been meaning to ask this but.."

Togame's shoulders slightly tense. Did Umemiya notice something? He wouldn't be surprised.

A container with half-eaten omurice suddenly filled Togame's vision.

"KOTOHA-CHAN'S OMURICE IS AMAZING, ISN'T IT?"

...Oh.

"Oh, uh- yeah.." Relieved yet bewildered, Togame nodded along to whatever Umemiya is spewing out right now. Shoulders relaxing as for a moment he thought he was found out.

Umemiya shouldn't know, obviously. Togame thinks he's getting more restless as he if reminded of his feelings time and time again.

He takes a sip from his ramune bottle.

"Oh by the way, I saw you smiling at your phone earlier."

Togame choked. The drink went down the wrong pipe.

"Oh? Perhaps its from that girl you like?"

The exit looks really appealing right now. Maybe he should help Choji, the guy is taking way too long to serve drinks to the other members.

He sighed in defeat, "Am I really that obvious?"

Umemiya laughed, scooting closer to Togame as he generously placed some side dishes onto his plate.

"Well, at first it didn't seem like anything. You two were interacting as usual, being pretty close and all." Umemiya swallowed the omurice before continuing, "But then, Sakura started to become more flustered and embarrassed than usual."

The Shishitoren member groaned, already having an idea where this is going.

"Don't blame Sakura though, he did kept it a secret. Although his classmates are too nosy, and somehow it spread to the rest of Furin. Well, not everyone, but most."

Great, Togame is estatic to know he's being gossiped as someone with pining problems.

...It's true, but still-

"It was easy to piece everything together." Togame felt a comforting pat on the back, which didn't really felt reassuring.

For god's sake, instead of being known as the second-in-command of the ruling gang Shishitoren, he'll be known as a love-struck idiot!

"Before you ask," Togame grumbled, "I'm not sure if I should confess or not."

"Ehh? I think you should."

The raven jerked his head up in surprise, not expecting a straight-forward answer. From all the advice he's gotten, (if he could call it advice from someone who is not used to open affection, or being called hopeless by a younger member) none of them really convinced on what Togame should do.

"Wait- why?"

"'Why?'" Umemiya asked, as if he himself is confused at Togame's question.

"I mean, you don't seem that opposed to the idea." That's true... after all, the idea of being yours always resonated in his mind.

The idea of you two together, it doesn't seem bad at all.

But-

"And what if she rejects me?"

"Nah, she won't." The taller said certainly. A smile gracing his features, Togame wonders if Umemiya's an expert in relationships.

Umemiya did help Choji and Shishitoren.

"How are you sure?" His brow furrows, a heavy feeling in his gut just imagining the different ways a confession from him to you could go wrong.

One, the most obvious, and probably the most gut-wrenching, is that you'll reject him. Saying that you either have a different type of your ideal-boyfriend, and that he doesn't fit that category, or that you have someone else in mind. Then afterwards, your friendship will be so awkward, which makes you distance yourself and Togame will regret everything for the rest of his life.

Two, you reject him, but want to remain friends. However, there's still that slim chance that the both of you won't be as close as you guys are right now as friends.

And three-

"Woah, woah, woah, hold that overthinking right there, buddy!" A hand on his shoulder brought Togame back to reality. He forgot for a moment the person beside him is Umemiya.

Oh, did he say that out loud?

"Kind of.. you were quite scary for a moment." A shiver went down Umemiya's spine, beads of sweat forming on his head. "You were there mumbling with an empty expression, and your eyes man!" Umemiya dramatically clutched his heart, trying to lighten Togame's mood even just a little bit.

Togame cleared his throat, a bit embarrassed. "Sorry."

"Never knew you were one for overthinking." Concern was written all over Umemiya's face. He let out a sigh while trying to figure out what he could offer words of comfort.

Umemiya knew you, although the two of you never interacted closely. He's just glad that Kotoha has a new friend. Much to his surprise, you were also closely affiliated to Shishitoren. Imagine that.

Yet, when Shishitoren is sometimes brought up in a discussion, Umemiya could clearly see the sparkles and affection you have for a certain member.

The stories you share whenever Togame teases you.

Or that one time you shared how Togame tried so hard on that vending machine where a very cute miniature plushie (which you bring everywhere) while you and Choji try to pull him away despite his stubbornness. Which caused him to spend a lot of yen.

Or that one specific moment Umemiya saw you messaging Togame (he didn't mean to peek, he was just too tall that he could lean over) with a giddy smile on your face.

Togame this, Togame that.

Umemiya sighed, giving a comforting smile to Togame. "She won't." Just from that, Togame somehow felt a tiny bit of confidence.

"I won't say anything else, but I've seen her around. From what I could tell, and from what Kotoha-chan tells me, she's a wonderful person."

A small smile appeared, Togame's glad you have a lot of people who care for you. "Plus, I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Umemiya gave one last pat to Togame's shoulder. However, he couldn't help but think about what Umemiya said.

"What do you mean by you won't say anything else-"

"KAME-CHAN! UME-CHAN! WE HAVE EXTRA FOOD!"

Choji appeared from the door, holding a plastic container which seemed to contain barbeque sticks.

"OOOHH! THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS!"

"IT IS! ARIMA KNOWS ALL THE BEST RESTAURANTS NEARBY!"

Dumbfounded by the sudden entrance of Choji, he couldn't bring himself to ask Umemiya again.

He watched as Choji and Umemiya scarf down every food possible.

Togame looked at his food in thought.

At least he got a better answer.

YOU to SUO

"I see! So it's like that!" Suo smiled as he let out a small laugh.

"I'm having a serious case of deja vu right now.." You said dryly while wondering, again, how'd you end up in this situation.

Seriously, might as well inform the whole Furin boys at this point!

"Now, now, don't be so down hearted." You pouted as Suo poured tea in your cup. The sweet aroma of honey wafted through the air, nodding gratefully at Suo.

As much as you hated to be reminded of your feelings, and that horrid conversation you had with Kotoha, you still have to decide if you want to suffer and keep it a secret, or suffer with a 50/50 percent chance of your confession going 'yay!' or 'nay..'

So, what better option than to ask the most elegant person in all of Furin?

"Did you know, bees like to read?"

"Excuse me, what."

Yup, elegance is Suo's forte.

You watched as Suo gently sat down opposite of you, bringing his own cup to his lips. "Their favorite novel is the Great Gatsby." He let out a proud smile with his eye closed, before taking a sip.

The Great Gatsby. Gats-'bee.'

...Elegant my ass.

You slapped your palm onto your forehead. "...So you're not doing this seriously. Thanks, got the memo." The chair you sat on scratched against the floor, the sound echoing throughout the cafe. Some bystanders noticed the noise, which made Suo give a polite smile.

He quickly tugged you back in the chair. You sat down with an unamused expression, contrasting Suo's lighthearted one.

"I'm joking!"

"Well, I'm not."

"I know. From the amount of times you joined in the conversation whenever Shishitoren is brought up." Suo placed a finger on his chin, letting out a hum before continuing, "Oh! And that one time where you had to brag about that cute plushie you got from a vending machine, also brought by Togame."

"Okay, stop- I get it!" You waved your hands frantically, as if that mere gesture would make Suo shut up.

"And of course—" Suo brought his phone up as you watch him scroll for a bit before pressing the screen to your face.

"—we couldn't forget that moment where you sat there blushing and all giddy."

It was a selfie of Kotoha, her finger pointing towards the counter-

Wait a minute.

It was you, in the background, leaning on the counter with Kotoha's omurice. Something normal.

Yet clearly you can see yourself smiling widely with your hand propped on your chin while staring at your phone.

"Kotoha said you got a text message from Togame."

You banged your head on the table.

"Was I really that obvious?" You asked yourself. Purely rhetorical.

"Mhm!" Suo nodded anyway. Very enthusiastically.

"I would like to crawl into a deep hole now, thanks."

"You can do that once you've decided to confess to Togame."

You groaned, the mere idea already making you suffer. Maybe you should've just stopped asking advice right at Kotoha.

As much as you adore Suo as your friend, you keep on forgetting he's also a little piece of–

"Now, now, let's try this again." You raised your head deciding to finally listen to Suo. Seems like he's actually being serious this time.

"So you said you're not sure if you're going to confess." You nod.

"Uh-huh."

"What's making you worried?" Suo tilted his head in wonder. Because really, he thinks you shouldn't be worried.

With the way you talk about Togame, Suo can already guess from that the guy also reciprocates what you feel.

"Well, you see." You brought your hands together while looking seriously, which reminded of Suo of how detectives or villains would act in a tv show.

"There are three things."

...What?

"Three..?" He asked confusedly.

"One, he rejects me. That's it, and then its the end of our good going friendship." Suo continued to smile, despite wanting to protest and tell you directly that yes, you should confess.

However, what kind of gentleman is he if decided not to listen to a fellow friend's worries?

"It starts like this," You start off, leaning slightly forwards to Suo with a glare that could rival Sakura's. "I might not be his friend anymore."

Suo opened his mouth to retort. He thought that it might be a tad... rude to ignore someone just because they harbor feelings for you-

You raise your palm to stop him, "I know what you're going to say. However..."

There was a moment of anticipation. Suo would usually be lighthearted from time to time in talks like this...

You banged your fist lightly on the table, "What am I gonna do if I lose a friend like Togame?!" You whined.

Oh.

Suo sighed in relief, thinking you were going to ignore Togame.

You let out a (quite dramatic) cry as you scratch your hair in frustration. "Our friendship could end the moment I open my mouth and say 'Oh by the way, I like you, let's go out.' and you know what would hit me in the gut?!"

Your hands gripped the sides of table so tightly. Suo just watched with concern and intrigue.

"It's the chance he likes someone else!" You cried in defeat and slumped in your chair.

"I think you should-"

"No, it doesn't end there!"

Suo sighed.

"Secondly, what if our friendship deteriorates from there?!" These are the thoughts that kept you up right after talking to Kotoha.

At first it started with the reassurance that Togame is a chill person. Sure he can be violent here and there (not against you, never against you. you would be lying if you sometimes forgot that he is the same guy who's a member of a gang) but in the end, its Togame.

But then as the night went on and the more you developed feelings for him, you felt yourself overthinking way too much.

"Imagine, we casually hang out. With Choji too, wouldn't be akward right?" If you were in animated right now, Suo could see the steam blowing from your ears. "But then, Togame would be reminded of my confession, and then everything would be akward!"

"From there on, he would slowly distance himself. Probably even Choji if I'm that unlucky, and then I would forever suffer in my bed at night thinking how much I regret everything!"

"How about we toss a coin?" Suo intervened the moment you were about to move on to point number three.

You stopped midway into your rant. Suo just maintained a smile and placed a simple 100 yen on the table.

"...What?"

"Let's toss a coin!" Suo repeated.

Your eyes went back and forth at Suo and the coin. You wondered if this is Suo's attempt to make a joke once more.

"I'm not joking." Suo laughed, placing the coin on top of his thumb. You stared confusedly, still not knowing what to say.

"W-Why..?"

"I mean, it's just a simple solution. You have these thoughts with you for a while, both negative and positive." Suo raised a finger, "While you aren't wrong, most of your concerns do happen to some people."

You deflated at that

"But I'm pretty sure you also have that side of you that wants to be in a relationship that brought the idea of you even confessing." You nodded.

Just thinking about Togame overall has brought you joy. He's mostly quiet, yet never fails to bring entertainment whenever the two of you bicker against one another. He's also kind, the plushie he gave you is probably your favorite. Sometimes can be provoking to others he's not familiar with, but only when there are guys who are disturbing you.

You also can't deny the fact that he's good-looking.

"If we want to get this over with, then let's just toss a coin."

Suo paused at the bewildered look on your face. "What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing." You chuckle hesitantly, "I was just expecting a more.. straight to the point answer."

"You are going to get an answer regardless." He argued, stabilizing the coin on his thumb.

Well, he's not wrong.

"Heads is 'you will confess', and tails is 'you won't confess'."

"Okay."

"Then.. here I go!" Suo flickered his thumb upwards.

Your eyes follow the quick movement of the coin in the air before it landed on Suo's palm. He then placed the coin on the back of his other hand to flip it.

Your breath hitched as you watched intently on the result.

Suo removed his palm, "Tails it is!"

"Oh.." So you won't be confessing after all. You did want a straight to the point answer.

Suo noticed your mood slightly dampened. "What's wrong?"

You shrugged. "Nothing, didn't expect this to be somewhat anti-climatic." Honestly, you weren't sure as well. You asked Suo for help, and he provided it.

Maybe you felt a bit unsatisfied with the results.

"'Anti-climatic' you say?" Suo gave a knowing smile, before placing down the coin. "Or perhaps, you don't like the result?"

You blinked, were you really that obvious?

"You see, there's a trick here."

"There is?"

"Yes." You didn't expect that. So there was an actual reason that Suo wanted to flip coins instead?

"You see, when people are indecisive they flip a coin right?" You watch in curiosity as Suo started to hold the coin in his fingers. "But here's the thing, when you're either unsatisfied with the result, or you internally wish for a specific decision, that's when you know what you truly want."

He slides the coin in front of you before turning it around revealing the 'heads'.

That.. That does make sense.

By then, you started to feel satisfied. A smile unknowingly appearing.

A light clap brought back your attention. Seeing Suo's smile slightly reassured you despite the negative thoughts that were threatening to take over once more. "So, I'm guessing a confession is happening?" He teased.

You huffed, "Yeah.." You looked down at your hands in thought. The idea of confessing, albeit scares you, at least you can say you tried.

"I just hope you nothing goes wrong."

"Oh don't worry." Suo brought his cup up, "I'm sure it'll go well."

You smiled, bringing your own cup against his as the two of you slightly cheered before savoring the tea.

FINAL :

YOU and TOGAME

It's been a while since the three of you hang out again.

"Come on, you can do it! You can beat Kame-chan!" Choji cheered in the background while you and Togame were playing against one another in a sniper arcade game.

"Ehh? I think her machine's gun is smoother." Complained Togame, who quickly looked at your score being close to his.

"I think you're scared to be beaten." You grinned as you continued to shoot the targets that appeared on the screen.

"You? Beating me? Psh, you can't even close the ten point gap."

"I'm about to!"

"The game is ending in one minute, chibi." You groaned at the nickname before recklessly pointing your gun at any target.

"Go go! You're almost there!" Oh to have a supporter like Choji.

Still, the game ended as Togame grins triumphantly while you sulked. Choji patting your shoulders in comfort while he also says 'good job!' to Togame.

"I want a rematch!"

"We're out of money."

You banged your head against the machine, causing for both Choji and Togame to wince.

"Come on, chibi." Togame lightky tugged on your arm. The unexpected closeness making you blush lightly.

Meanwhile, Togame feels like he can't get enough of how cute you are.

The three of you sat on a bench in front of a convenience store while eating ice-cream that you paid because, well, you simply lost the bet.

At least it wasn't too expensive.

You sat in the middle of the two Shishitoren members. Too busy eating their ice cream to strike up a conversation.

You quietly counted the change in your hand, before letting out a surprised sound.

"What's wrong?" Togame questioned.

"They gave me an excess change." You recounted to make sure before excusing yourself to go back to the counter.

You and the cashier worker exchanged greetings. You look back to simply glance at Togame and Choji, but to your surprise, Choji can't be found.

Where did he-

Ping!

You jumped at the sudden notification in your phone. At the same time, Togame also brought his phone up from afar.

With new profound curiosity, the notification came from a group chat that Choji has created with just the three of you. Your brows furrow in concern, a slight uncertain smile as you felt a sense of dread incoming.

"Hiiii!! So I'll be going ahead~ Something came up so, enjoy having a fun date!" seen by togame and you

A wave of heat spread across your cheeks, staring in shock at the message. Similarly, from afar, Togame felt his ears burning.

You would have appreciated the heads up from Choji- just, without the date part.

Especially the date part.

Gulping nervously, you walk back to wear Togame is seated, neither of you chose to look at each other for obvious reasons.

The two of you continued to sit in silence for a few minutes. The simple idea of 'having a date' weighed heavily on each person's minds.

Togame's thoughts were filled, followed by the soft crunch from the chocolated coated ice cream. "Did Choji finally figure out? He knew that I harbor feelings for her? But why say it in the group chat..?" His brows furrows in thought.

"Ain't no way did Choji just outed me. Why did he say in the group chat? Was it a joke? But he's bever the type to joke that way..." Nervously swallowing, you can't help but glance sideways at Togame beside you.

Similarly, he's been looking at you from his peripheral vision. More thoughts swirling in his head.

Before the both of you could initiate any kind of conversation, another notification sound could be heard, you two quickly check out what Choji could possibly say this time.

You freeze, a red flush spreading, while Togame drops his ice cream popsicle in disbelief.

This time, the message made you want to crush your phone and never appear under the sunlight.

"Use this time to confess properly okay? It's kind of tiring to see the both of you pining against one another. I'm counting on the two of you! :DD" seen by togame and you

...Well, isn't this the greatest?

In an absolutely shocking turn of events, no one has expected that their friend Choji would...

Choji, who Togame dearly loves as his friend, someone who introduced him to Shishitoren, and a person who he thinks shines the brightest at his best, just made Togame want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

He cleared his throat, quietly pressing the off button on his cellphone and placing it on the table, looking away as he nervously scratches the back of his neck. The tip of his ears burning while he feels his heart beating out of his ribcage.

You, who is trying to comprehend the message Choji sent, gripping on your phone like there is no tomorrow. Eyes wide and jaw dropping nearly to the floor, a deep scarlet covering your cheeks and neck. Not once have you moved your eyes from your screen.

"Choji.."

"What the fuck?!"

The both of you thought simultaneously.

Silence ensues, the air filled with a lot of tension, neither of you know how to start the conversation.

Togame's mind reels, he doesn't know what to say— he doesn't even know what to feel. All he knows that one way or another, he's screwed. (No thanks to his leader!)

You on the other hand, felt like you were about to burst from the embarassment.

It felt like the air was so suffocating, that the two felt the need to say something.

With one last glance at the message, you nod in resolution.

"..I'm sorry I haven't been honest, but I like-"

"Can I take you out-"

Both of your eyes met, mouths snapping shut in unison. Embarrassment and hesitation filling the two of you— acting like a couple on their first date (...well, if things go smoothly..)

Togame shakes his head before coughing. "You go first?" He offered to you, because did he actually hear you right?

"Oh no, you can go first.." You protested.

"No, you." Togame huffs in slight amusement.

"You!"

"How about... together?" He compromised, which makes you agree to the idea. Your heart pounding in nervousness– even if you heard somewhat of what he said a while ago.

"Like usual?" You chuckled nervously.

"Sure." Togame smiled.

"Three,"

"Two,

"One."

"I like you, please go out with me."

"I'd like to take you out on a date."

The two of you stared at each other in silence.

Togame is the first to look away, covering his mouth in shock— clearly flustered as the tip of his ears turn red.

You, on the other hand, can't help but look down to hide the growing smile on your face.

In the end, maybe Choji did something goof after all.

BONUS!

Choji giggles as while he opens the bag of chips he managed to buy before sneaking off ahead. Umemiya returns the grin before patting the Shishitoren leader on the back.

"I thought you wanted to wait for them to earn their courage?" Umemiya— who was staring at the two new lovebirds from afar— raises his brow amusingly at Choji.

"They were taking way too long!" The smaller huffed, before taking a quick zoomed in pic of you and Togame walking ahead. Hands linked together, while shy smiles and laughs were exchanged in the distance.

----

notes ! :

...this took me so long to write it help the ending was badly rushed but... anyways ! :))

guess who flunked their math portion of the college entrance test! (me hahahshhshah..)

[arieswritez]

cupid

cupid | dirtbag!mark x lovesick f!reader

cw; DARK CONTENT!!! manipulation, cheating (srry eve 🫶🏾), coercion, dubcon/noncon, unprotected sex, breeding kink, corruption kink, virgin reader, misogyny (?), no actually no question mark he's a seedy misogynist, reader wears a skirt, victim blaming, mind break

about; mark is a red flag & a liar but he's cute so it makes up for it.

a/n; thinking about mark 'just the tip' grayson who dotes on cute little virgins and swipes their cherries 🫶🏾

mark is your best friend.

he has been for very a long time. in fact, the two of you have been friends far before he knew it.

the two of you basically grew up together: lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same schools. you knew him. but he didn't know you. and it wasn't until high school when the two of you officially became friends.

and you'll admit, it was a little awkward when william - the only friend the both of you had in common - introduced the two of you.

mark had said his name. and you'd said, "i know."

you wondered if the look mark gave you was one of amusement or concern.

nonetheless, he was everything you thought he'd be. you were glad he didn't seem weirded out by your overt clinginess or how much you seemed to latch onto his opinion. you'd do almost anything for his approval: often discarding interests he'd make off-handed comments about, convincing yourself you didn't really like it all that much, anyway. you knew you wanted to be around him all the time. . but you didn't know what to do about the butterflies you'd get whenever the two of you made eye contact.

cupid was funny.

cupid had a way of coming into your life when you least expected it. when it was least convenient. and you found yourself embarrassed by your own emotions. it's just a crush, you'd told yourself, it'll go away. because, how deep could your feelings for mark really go?

surely, it was innocent. mark was the first boy who'd flashed a smile in your direction and your heart immediately started doing summersaults. it was the raging hormones. . kid stuff.

you were sure of it.

but years passed and cupid wouldn't leave you alone.

finally, you'd worked up the courage to tell him how you felt. made up an excuse about needing help with a couple of classes and mark - always so sweet - told you he'd be glad to help. you'd stuttered through your confession. but mark never made a face. in fact, he'd let you down so nicely it was hard to be upset. he'd given you a warm smile, told you you were sweet. . but he wasn't looking for a romantic relationship.

cupid was cruel, you decided.

you tried convincing yourself: that's fine. that's okay.

mark viewed you as nothing more than a friend and you understood that. you weren't angry. just. . stung. and when he'd started dating amber, then eve, you thought to yourself: so much for not being ready for a romantic relationship.

it wasn't long until you realized that actually meant, i'm not ready for a romantic relationship with you.

you couldn't blame him. not really. amber and eve were gorgeous, there was no denying it. and eve had something you didn't. eve related to mark in a way neither amber or you could. and you understood that. but that didn't mean you particularly liked it.

you'd sit with william at the lunch table and try not to tune out his talking, but you'd end up doing it, anyway. you'd zone out and look across the table as mark and his girlfriend laughed to whatever joke he'd most likely said. mark would walk his fingers across the table and gently hold his partner's hand, caressing the top of it with his thumb and they'd smile and giggle. and you'd think to yourself, how i'd like to have a love like that.

not just with anyone, but with mark.

you felt mark was the only one who'd give you that type of love. that type of feeling in your chest. the thump, thump, thump necessary to have your lips splitting into a grin and your world smelling like saccharine and hibiscus. you wanted a love like his.

you wanted him.

and you ignored william aiming fries at your head and trying to call you back down to earth - "hello, anyone home?" - as you dreamily stared across the table.

you'd play the game. you'd wait. for as long as the relationship would last and hopefully, mark would turn his sights on you, next.

the two of you remained friends, of course you did. mark was nice. he was genuine and sweet and he'd never push you away because of some innocent crush. he'd always make sure not to leave you out of his plans. but he was weary, because many of those plans, involved having eve around, too. and he'd pulled you aside once and told you,

"i don't want it to be weird. you're still my friend, y'know?"

and you'd joked, "it won't be! i'm over you, anyway~"

and the two of you laughed and that was that. you excused yourself to the bathroom and splashed water in your face to fight back tears. that was that.

you knew boundaries would have to be set so you wouldn't step on her toes. eve was good for mark, you'd never do anything to hurt her. and you didn't want her to think you disliked her by not going to an event just because she was going to be there.

so, despite everything in you screaming at you not to - you agree to go to that party. even when you knew eve would be there, too.

mark wouldn't have had it any other way.

you had fun. and you convinced yourself it was fine to dance with william while mark and eve cuddled close. it was fine.

you convinced yourself you were drinking to let loose, not to forget about that ugly feeling brewing in your chest. one drink turned into two.

two and then. . you'd lost count.

liquor goes down easy when it's sweet and you've always liked the things you're not supposed to have.

so, it was only a matter of time when they dragged you into the middle of a game of truth or dare. william - bless his heart - had tried to sober you up before you made a mistake. but liquor made you brave. it made you fun. and in your drunken stupor: you'd admitted you were a touchless, kiss-less virgin.

you wish you'd been sober enough to see mark's face.

in hindsight, you should've been.

a few months later and mark couldn't keep his hands off of you.

"no, she won't find out. she won't care.

no, we do this all the time.

it's an arrangement we have, me and her, we. . it's complicated. she's done this before. it happens. it's not that big a deal~"

it was college, he'd said, things change. it's good, healthy even, for a couple to experiment with others. that's what college is all about: exploring. figuring out what you like and what you don't. says eve is doing the same.

but for someone who claims to have an open relationship, mark does his best to keep the two of you a secret. he won't let you near eve for the life of you. and you watch his face screw up with indignation whenever you mention her. you ask what's wrong, and he changes the subject, says he just wants to focus on you. but you're not dumb. you know what he's playing at. and you know you should be mad. you should be furious he's playing you like this but you're not and that's the problem.

you don't care what attention he's giving you as long as it's attention.

so you let him.

you let him when your parents aren't home and when eve is preoccupied with something else. you let him into your room even though he's not supposed to be there. you let him smother you in kisses and slip his hands beneath your shirt, his warm hands smoothing up your waist, blunt nails dragging across your ribs. and before you know it, you're raising your arms to help him take your shirt off.

you let him hook his hands around your thighs and pull you towards him, slotting himself closer between your thighs as his hands slide beneath your skirt, sliding off your panties without taking the skirt off, just bunching it up and flipping it over on your belly to expose your embarrassingly wet cunt.

the way he can work you up from just making out is almost pathetic. he's barely touched you and you're already leaking for him. the two of you are inexperienced. . more so you than mark.

he's shown you how to kiss, how to touch him, hell, even how to touch yourself. but he hasn't shown you how to cum ;( you don't get to do that without his permission.

he says that, despite this, he's still never had sex. the furthest he's gone has been outercourse stuff. says eve isn't ready. says he understands, but he likes you. he really does. and if it were ever to amount to more. . he wishes it was you.

mark 'just the tip' grayson who holds open your thighs in a bruising grip when you try to close them. asks you to keep them open, pretty please, and proceeds to tongue at your clit like he's trying to make you sing. (he is).

coaxes slick out of your cunt while he nurses on your puffy little clit and stuffs his fingers inside you while his hips rut against the bed. the way he's tasting you has you on edge and the two of you promised there'd be no funny business until the two of you are actually ready. . but your fingers are tangled in his hair and his cock is slicking up your sheets because he's shoved his pants down beneath his ass ;( its like the two of you are in heat and when you pull mark up to kiss him you taste yourself on his tongue and the way you're moaning into each others mouths somehow makes the room's temperature sky-rocket.

mark 'just the tip' grayson who says the magic words with glossy eyes and a blush high on his face. he looks so needy and debauched, all messy hair and swollen lips. begs you, "baby please" just the tip. he promises. no more, he just wants to feel you.

and then he'll pull out and make you cum so hard you'll see stars.

mark 'just the tip' grayson who fucks his cock between your pussy lips, his eyes locked between your legs as he watches his cock slide against your swollen cunt. he's drunk on you, the way you smell, the way you look, the little sounds you make and how your hips flinch whenever the head of his cock pushes against your clit. who hisses, "i'm gonna breed that little cunt." and ignores the look you give him.

it's just dirty talk, a little voice in your head says.

but another tells you you can't bring yourself to care what it is as long as he keeps his hands on you.

you watch with nervous excitement as he takes his cock in hand and redirects it towards your opening. looks you in the eyes and slowly pushes against resistance until the head of his cock pops in.

the two of you tense and you squeak so loud mark doesn't know how he doesn't immediately cum. you squeeze immediately and you feel and look so damn good. your skin is hot to the touch and you're partly dressed, a pretty little 'o' to your lips as your toes curl with the fullness you feel. the head of his cock is so fat it's borderline uncomfortable but he's hot inside you and the pressure feels different and good, nothing like his fingers and you're so, so dizzy. your head swimming with thoughts of only him. the way his hair was mussed by your hands, his bite swollen lips, and the way his eyes fluttered shut when he first slid into you are memories you're sure you'll never forget.

but it doesn't stop your heart from racing when he inches just a bit deeper. you've only had fingers inside you before and he's too much. . too soon.

you tell him you cant take it but he knows you can.

mark 'just the tip' grayson who folds you in half and feeds his cock into your cunt despite your protests. despite you trying to push his hips away with shaking hands, crying out as you find you have no leverage. your legs uselessly kicking out against his shoulders.

mark 'just the tip' grayson who mounts you and stays on top of you, his knees against the back of your thighs and his ball sack snug against your perineum while his cock throbs deep down inside your pussy. who has to blink stars out of his eyes because, jesus, he's inside of you. and you're tighter than anyone he's ever had.

he's taken amber's cherry.

and he's taken eve's.

but yours might be his favorite <3

mark 'just the tip' grayson who stuffs your panties in your mouth when your parents come back home and he doesn't want to stop fucking you. if you weren't ready, if you didn't want it, then why is your slick stretching, sticky and viscous, threading and snapping with each of his thrusts, making lewd wet sounds that resonate in the room whenever his balls smack against your ass and his pubic bone grinds against your swollen little clit?

if you weren't ready why is your cream collecting at the base of his cock, frothing around him and hypnotizing him. if you weren't ready, why are your hands holding a pillow over your face to cover your whimpers as he drills into you in a mating press, why aren't you pushing him away? why are your hips bucking against his, chasing him, why is your pussy clenching around him and why are your moans getting louder?

why do you squeak out in ecstasy when he sloppily grinds into you and cums at the very back of your pussy? why do you tense and cry when he rubs your needy clit and pinches the gummy flesh between thumb and forefinger, when he spreads your lips open and spits on your clit, smudging the saliva there even if it isn't necessary? If you weren't ready, why do your legs lock around his waist for round two?

he said he's never done this before but as he wrings a second orgasm out of you. . forcing your back into an arch as you cry into the pillow, you're not so sure that's true.

[candyeager]

𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐕𝐄𝐈𝐋

— gojo satoru x fem!oc

CHAPTER EIGHT 3.2k words

short synopsis. in which her marriage to Satoru Gojo, the world's most arrogant and untouchable sorcerer becomes both a chain and a cure. warnings. graphic violence, murder, blood mentions, disorder eating, implied sexual threats, suggestive themes. tags. gojo x fem!oc, arranged marriage, angst with happy ending, eventual fluff, heavy pining/yearning, emotional detachment. oc is an empath.

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Satoru

Satoru stepped out from beneath the veil, his pace unhurried as he made his way toward the nearby shrine. The moonlight spilled over the stone steps, casting long shadows that danced with the soft rustling of leaves in the wind. He could already sense the familiar presence waiting for him—a subtle, yet unmistakable trace of cursed energy that hardly needed further scrutiny.

As he approached, his gaze fell upon Mei Mei, standing with her back to him at the base of the stairs. Her long silver braid swayed lightly as she turned, a slight smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

"I thought I was being discreet," Mei remarked, her voice calm, almost teasing, as if the game of hide-and-seek had been a playful challenge to her.

Satoru smirked, his hands slipping casually into his pockets. "Yeah, not quite," he replied with his usual easy confidence, his eyes gleaming behind the dark sunglasses. 

"Your crows gave you away, but I figured I'd let it slide... until you started bothering my wife, Mei-san."

Mei tilted her head slightly, her smile deepening as her fingers idly played with the strands of her braid. "Oh? I didn't realize you cared that much about her." 

"Don't get it twisted," Satoru replied, his smirk widening just a bit, but his voice remained casual. "I'm just not a fan of people snooping around my business. Especially when they're getting paid to do it."

Mei chuckled softly, crossing her arms over her chest. 

"How much did they pay you this time to spy on her?" Satoru's question was more a statement than anything else, knowing full well the kind of person Mei was.

"Not much," she answered lightly, shrugging one shoulder. "But the clan elders are getting antsy. You've been ignoring their requests. You know how they are—they're dying to meet her, especially after... what happened."

The smile never left her face, but her words carried weight. They always did when she spoke of the Gojo clan's inner workings—something Satoru knew all too well. Mei herself was a distant relative, though her ties to the family had never been particularly strong. 

Satoru's gaze didn't waver, but his thoughts momentarily drifted. He knew what Mei meant. The elders—scattered across the four factions of the Gojo clan—had been pressing for a formal introduction to Kurai. They were curious, no doubt, about the woman who had left such a trail of blood behind her. 

Satoru's smile thinned, but the casual air never left him. "They're not going to meet her anytime soon. She's not ready for that."

Mei's eyes gleamed with faint amusement as she took a step closer, her voice dropping slightly. "Not ready... or not stable?"

For a brief moment, an image flickered in Satoru's mind—Kurai, her face twisted in fury as she relentlessly stabbed the training dummy. The raw violence in her actions, the barely-contained rage, had stirred something in him. It wasn't fear—he wasn't the type to feel fear—but discomfort, perhaps. Was she that unhappy? He almost pitied her, though the feeling was quickly dismissed. 

In front of Mei, Satoru's smile remained, the casual air never left him. "You catch on quick, huh?"

Mei smirked. "I did find what I was looking for." 

"That right?" Satoru's voice remained lazy, but his interest was piqued, though he wouldn't show it. "And?"

"She's... intriguing, Satoru."

Satoru chuckled, running a hand through his hair. "She's something, alright."

Mei's eyes glimmered, her smile turning just a touch more cryptic. "More than she lets on." 

She turned on her heel, walking away with a soft chuckle, leaving Satoru standing there, watching her retreating figure with a raised eyebrow. What was she playing at this time?

He didn't press it, though. With Mei, everything was always a bit of a game, and there was no need to overthink it. Still, something in her tone nagged at him, an irritation he brushed off as quickly as it came.

"Make sure you put in a good word for her," Satoru called out after Mei, his voice light, though his meaning was clear.

Mei's response was quick and predictable, her voice carrying back to him as she disappeared into the night. "As long as the payment comes through by tonight."

Satoru grinned, shaking his head as he turned away, walking in the opposite direction. Mei Mei was always easy to persuade—as long as you knew what currency she valued. And lucky for him, money was something he had in abundance.

Satoru slid the door to his bedroom open with a smooth flick of his wrist, the soft thud of wood on wood breaking the stillness of the room. As he walked, he tugged his signature blindfold over his eyes, fingers raking through his hair to prop it up in its usual tousled fashion. He was back in his dark blue uniform—zip-up jacket with a high collar, paired with matching slim-fit pants. The casual comfort of his break had been cut short by a call from the higher-ups. A special grade curse had appeared, and of course, they needed him—the strongest sorcerer—to deal with it. Just another day, really.

His footsteps were light as he made his way down the hall, but his attention was soon caught by a familiar figure at the entrance. Kurai was standing there, holding plastic bags filled with snacks, her arms clutching them to her chest like a dragon guarding treasure.

Satoru couldn't help but smirk at the sight. She looked... cute, in an unintentionally amusing way. Her tight grip on those plastic bags, as if to shield them from him, was almost enough to make him want to tease her—maybe pinch her cheek and quip, "I'm not going to steal your snacks, doll."

But then her recent threat flashed through his mind, "Touch me again, and I'll cut your hand off, you manwhore."

Amused, his smirk deepened, but he kept his hands to himself, realizing he couldn't afford to play around—he was on his way to work, after all. He shoved his hands into his pockets instead, feigning nonchalance.

"Quite the appetite you've got there, doll," he commented, his tone light and teasing as he approached.

Kurai's eyes flicked up to him, her expression unreadable. "Is that a problem?"

Satoru shrugged, grin widening.  "Not at all. I love a girl with an appetite." There was a playful glint in his voice, though somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered hearing from Yoshida that Kurai hadn't been finishing her meals recently. It wasn't his business, really, but seeing her stock up on junk food wasn't exactly reassuring.

Still, he didn't comment on it. Instead, he adjusted the blindfold over his eyes, sensing her attention shift toward his uniform.

"I'm off to a mission," he said, his voice still casual, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Kurai's brows furrowed slightly, though her tone remained flat. "Why?"

He tilted his head, amused by her question. "What do you mean, why?"

"Aren't you supposed to be on break?" Her tone wasn't accusatory or concerned—it was just factual, like she was pointing out something obvious.

Satoru's lips quirked upward, amusement lacing his words. "What, you miss me already?" His grin stretched wider as he teased, but when Kurai didn't react, he sighed. "There are some things only I can handle, doll. It's part of the job when you're the strongest."

Kurai didn't reply immediately, her eyes studying him. The silence stretched just long enough to feel heavy, and then she spoke, her voice low. 

"You say that, but your feelings suggest something else."

For a split second, Satoru's easy smile faltered. She was using her ability—sensing his emotions. Unease curled at the edges of his mind, but instead of showing it, he masked it with his usual charm. He groaned, dragging his hand down his face dramatically.

"Ugh, don't do that," he whined, his tone comical as he waved her off. "I don't appreciate people poking around in my head, thank you very much."

But Kurai didn't respond to his attempt at humor. She turned on her heel, walking away with her plastic bags in hand. As she moved, she threw a final remark over her shoulder, her voice almost a whisper. 

"Isn't it lonely at the top, Gojo?"

For a brief moment, Satoru's eyes widened behind the blindfold, just enough for surprise to flicker in his chest. Lonely? Was he lonely? The thought hadn't occurred to him—not really. But as her words lingered in the air, something deep within him stirred. 

He tried to brush it off, but the sensation clung to him, unsettling in its persistence. Maybe she was right. Maybe there was something lonely about being the strongest—about always being called upon, always being the one to handle what no one else could. But that feeling was buried so deep inside him that even he hadn't acknowledged it. 

The fact that Kurai could sense it so easily unnerved him. 

Satoru exhaled sharply, swiping a hand through his hair as he let out a long sigh. 'Damn it, this girl.'

Satoru sat on the cracked earth, the air around him still humming with residual cursed energy. His chest heaved, not from pain or injury—he was as unscathed as ever—but from the sheer effort of overusing his Six Eyes. He didn't mind it though. Reaching into his pocket, he lazily pulled out his blindfold and tied it over his eyes, letting the fabric rest loosely as his hand brushed through his sweat-dampened hair.

Three special-grade cursed spirits. Not one, like the higher-ups had said, but three. 

False report? Or deliberate sabotage? He scoffed at the thought. It didn't matter. If they were hoping to trip him up, they should know better by now. He doesn't lose. Even if it meant standing against the entire world.

Yet, as he stared out over the destruction wrought by his Hollow Technique: Purple, the vast emptiness gnawed at him more than he liked to admit. It was all too quiet now—too still. And that stillness... it gnawed at him.

Suddenly, Kurai's voice echoed in his mind, her sharp words like an unwanted truth slicing through his defenses. "Isn't it lonely at the top?"

'No, it's not.' He mentally scoffed, his lips curling slightly as if the thought itself was ridiculous. But who was he kidding? The sound of Kurai's voice stirred something inside him, something he had long buried and had no intention of facing. It wasn't supposed to feel like this.

For years, he had carried every burden—missions no one else could handle, enemies no one else could face—and he did it alone. He preferred it that way. No comrades to protect, no one to hold him back. He could move faster, fight harder, and think clearer when no one else was there to worry about. That's why he was the strongest, wasn't it? Because he didn't need anyone. He couldn't afford to.

But Kurai had sensed it. She had felt what even he had refused to acknowledge. And there was no denying it. She was right. 

No matter how stubbornly he tried to reject the truth, the subtle hum of her energy was always a constant reminder that things had shifted. His house was no longer just his sanctuary of solitude. She was there, always there, on the other side of the house. Her cursed energy had become a strange sort of comfort. A reminder that he wasn't coming back to an empty home.

But now... standing amidst the wreckage of another mission, here he was. Alone again. Truly alone. And for the first time in a long time, the silence felt unbearable.

He groaned, leaning his head back and dragging his hands down his face as if that could somehow erase the thoughts she had planted in his mind. This was her fault. Damn her and her empathy. If it weren't for her, he would've continued lying to himself, blissfully unaware of how deeply the loneliness had rooted itself inside him. He didn't need her pointing it out.

But now that the thought was there, it wouldn't leave. 

A soft rumble of an engine pulled him from his brooding. A car skidded to a stop not far in front of him, and the ever-nervous figure of Ijichi stepped out, visibly flustered as usual. His thin frame looked even more jittery under the weight of Satoru's gaze, or rather, the overwhelming presence Satoru carried with him everywhere.

Ijichi hesitated before speaking, his voice trembling slightly. "G-Gojo-sensei! You... you handled it, of course. I'm here to take you back."

Satoru didn't move at first. He just sat there, his blindfold half-draped over his eyes, looking like he might just stay in that spot forever. His mind wandered back to Kurai's words once more. "Isn't it lonely at the top?"

Was it? The thought clung to him like a curse of its own. 

But Satoru wasn't ready to face that yet. He wasn't ready to acknowledge that she had managed to reach something within him that no one else had. His usual mask slipped back on effortlessly.

"Of course, I handled it," he said, his tone returning to its usual playful arrogance. He rose from the ground in one fluid motion, brushing the dust off his clothes. "But you're late, Ijichi. What if I needed a ride home sooner? Were you dozing off?" The teasing lilt in his voice was back, but his mind was still elsewhere, lingering on those words Kurai had left him with.

Ijichi flinched, as usual, fumbling over an apology. "N-No, I was just—uh—there was some traffic, and I—"

Satoru waved him off with a careless flick of his hand, walking past him toward the car, his long strides confident as ever, even if his thoughts weren't. "Yeah, yeah. Just drive. I need a nap. Or maybe a snack. Ooh, maybe both." He smiled under his blindfold.

But as Satoru leaned against the back seat of the car, Ijichi handed him an iPad. "G-Gojo-sensei, there's something you should see."

Satoru raised an eyebrow again but said nothing as he unlocked the screen. His casual amusement faded the moment his eyes landed on the image.

It was a woman—her face eerily familiar. Kurai's face, almost. But her hair was shorter, and there was a softness in her expression that Kurai never wore. 'This woman smiled.'

Satoru's usual cocky grin faltered, his fingers tightening around the device.

"That's Kurai-san's mother," Ijichi explained quietly, his voice trembling slightly as though he could feel the shift in Satoru's mood. "She... she passed away giving birth to her."

Satoru swiped to the next image—this time, it was a man. Ragged, haunted, wearing the traditional kimono of the Sanzu clan. The resemblance to Kurai was undeniable. His posture, his eyes—dark, hollow eyes—looked like they carried the weight of something unspeakable. 

Ijichi shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "That's her father... Arata Sanzu. He became the clan leader after his father's death, but there are... sources that say his mind was unstable. He began to lose his sanity after his wife's death... when Kurai-san was born."

Satoru felt a subtle, cold prickle crawl up his spine. His eyes narrowed as he continued swiping, this time landing on a medical report. The handwriting was nearly illegible, but the word "hallucinations" stood out clearly among the scribbles.

Ijichi cleared his throat. "I-I got that copy from a defected clan member who used to serve Arata. According to Arata's doctor, he suffered from severe hallucinations. Arata believed there was a... a devil's spawn in his house."

Satoru's fingers froze over the screen. Devil's spawn?

For a split second, he remembered something he had once heard from Osamu, the elder of the Gojo clan's East Faction, some nonsense about the Sanzu clan making deals with devils. He had dismissed it as the ramblings of a paranoid old man at the time, but now it stirred something unpleasant in him. The pieces weren't quite fitting together, but something about this was unsettling. He kept swiping, eyes moving quickly as though the next page might provide an answer.

Ijichi hesitated, the tension thickening in the air. "Arata... he claimed that he had tried various methods to kill the devil's spawn for years. But, um..." He swallowed, his nervousness palpable. "According to him, she was... unkillable."

Satoru's eyes snapped up, his voice deceptively calm, but carrying an edge of danger.  "What do you mean 'she'?"

Ijichi shifted uncomfortably, looking down at his hands. "T-The 'devil's spawn'... was actually his daughter. Kurai-san. He claimed she was cursed from birth. He tried to kill her—many times—but she survived each attempt. He... he didn't even realize what he was doing."

The air in the car seemed to thicken, pressing down with a suffocating weight. Satoru's grip on the iPad tightened, the screen creaking under the pressure of his fingers. His heartbeat thudded in his ears, drowning out the usual noise of the world around him.

He tried to kill her.

His mind spun. Kurai. Every inch of his being screamed against the idea, but the cold, hard truth stared back at him from the screen. Her own father had seen her as some sort of monster—something to be erased. A child, just born, and already condemned.

Cold fury seeped into him. It started low, a steady simmer in his chest, but it was growing—building into something uncontainable. His blood ran hot and cold at the same time. No one could see it behind his blindfold, but his eyes blazed with an intensity that few had ever seen before. He was rarely angry—not like this. 

But Kurai—his Kurai—had suffered through something he couldn't even begin to wrap his mind around. The strongest sorcerer, and he hadn't seen this coming. He hadn't even thought to ask about her past, to understand what kind of hell she had walked through before crossing paths with him.

And suddenly, it all clicked. Her coldness, her apathy, her near-manic bloodlust when provoked. It all made sense now. She had survived, over and over, through what should've broken anyone else. She hadn't been unkillable because of some devil's deal. She had been unkillable because she refused to be destroyed.

And now, as the truth lay before him, he felt something new. Not just anger. Not just pity. Possessiveness.

It wasn't the possessiveness that came with control, no. It was something deeper. Something protective. She wasn't weak—far from it—but knowing what she had been through, he realized she didn't need to carry that alone anymore. She wasn't just some convenient tool or a strange anomaly in his life. She was something else entirely.

And, for the first time in a long while, Satoru Gojo felt out of control.

His voice was low, barely above a whisper, but it carried the weight of the storm inside him.  "Take me back, Ijichi."

Ijichi blinked, confused. "G-Gojo-sensei?"

Satoru didn't repeat himself. He didn't need to. The edge in his tone was enough. 

Without another word, Ijichi scrambled to start the car, and as they drove away from the scene of destruction, Satoru's mind was already miles away—back to Kurai.

She was stronger than he had given her credit for. Far stronger. And he'd be damned if he ever let anyone make her feel alone in that strength again.

< chapter eight ends >

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© CANDYEAGER. do not copy, repost, modify, or translate my works in any other platforms.

[thenightisland]

in various conversations with my doctor about the insane life changing effect adhd meds have had on me one of the things he said was that it's not uncommon for people who have dysthymia/pervasive depressive disorder to have undiagnosed adhd at the root of the problem. and i think we forget that like. major depressive disorder is supposed to be something that eventually stops. it's episodic. like even people with depression very often are not in a state where it's just like. every day is a misery virtually nonstop for 15+ years. but with dysthymia/pdd it very much so is. which you can have pdd and mdd both at the same time too which is evil but anyway. it is wild enough conceptualizing that there is in fact a difference between the two things bc i very much so got depressed around age ten and just. never stopped. and when you live like that for the bulk of your life you just sort of get used to it? like it sucks but you just assume a degree of that is normal. so even on several antidepressants i never once aimed for "not depressed" i was always aiming for "mildly less miserable" i had just accepted that i would always be a degree of miserable and that my default was going to be feeling bad and if i was very lucky there might be a few days where i felt a little less bad now and then. the goal was "bearable misery" which is nuts to type out like wow! bleak!

anyway something i noticed when they started me on the adhd meds was that all the Racket in my head just. stopped. for weeks i just said to people "it's so quiet in there" because i didn't have dozens of loud competing fast thoughts all the time. and it took a while to pin down why this effect made me less depressed and worked better than literally any antidepressant had. and it's bc it /stopped thoughts/ and when i was depressed the Thoughts did not stop and they were not pleasant ones so i'd get stuck in these awful mental doom spirals and nothing i did would make it stop. and then this medicine made it stop. and it turns out it's much easier to not be sad when your brain doesn't have the Sad Channel turned up to high volume and is forcing you to deal with it clockwork-orange style. bc historically it was like oh god do we really have to do this again do we have to listen to the you will always be alone and unloved and nothing you do will ever be enough and your life will never be fulfilling in any way spiral again?? do we really have to i'm so tired. but now that channel is muted. a lot of channels have been muted. no amount of cbt/dbt techniques or various other therapy tactics had ever managed to mute those channels before.

and it's just insane it's like the thing about how stunned people with chronic pain are to learn that the normal amount of pain for someone to experience on an average day is none. it's just that but emotionally. bc even with the challenges i still have for autism reasons, most days now i'm fine. the emotional pain is zero on an average day. i now understand what people mean when they say "i'm having a bad day" bc there's a difference. but you see. all my days used to be bad. all of them. even the "good" days involved a degree of visceral emotional suffering and dread. and you don't realize how pervasive the bad is until the bad is the exception and not just an ordinary day.

i do not sit around consumed by the same thought patterns and doom spirals and mental quicksand now i'm just going about my day like an ordinary person and it's amazing how much less life /hurts/ and that's the only way i can think to put it is that every day used to hurt and it doesn't hurt now. past-me was incapable of conceptualizing a life where my baseline wasn't "profoundly and painfully sad and aching at all times" i was 100% prepared to just live like that forever!!!! and now if i have a bad day that's all it is an outlier i thought people in movies were just doing a bit when they had a "bad day" and the solution was just have a big piece of cake and cry a little and go to bed early and you'll feel better tomorrow bc i never felt better tomorrow! now i just feel better tomorrow if i have a bad day! most days the emotional pain scale is a 0/10.

like this is so long already but those of you who have been around for a long time you know how nuts this is for me. and i'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason even bad things and for a few years i've been like huh wonder what the reason is for the whole getting beaten in the head thing though. well. it exacerbated the working memory issues. and it got on my goddamn nerves. so i asked to try this medicine so i could remember to get my soup out of the microwave. and then it fixed all the problems that have plagued me since i was a small child. and now i'm able to conceptualize a day to day life that isn't just Hurting all the time when i once thought i would never do anything but hurt.

[luv4fandoms]

The Rut (Dwayne x Fem!Reader)

It is finally here! I was actually planning on writing Dwayne's chapter last but so many people wanted his chapter that I couldn't see putting it off lol, As I said before every boy will be getting his own part. (Also since I've been asked, this isn't really a poly relationship series, this is a "only (insert boy) likes reader" kinda thing).

So this series was inspired by @auntvamp 's headcannons about the boys in rut, and when I say that I couldn't help but write this after reading those lol. I'd highly suggest reading that first. I'd also like to thank her from the bottom of my heart for the help, I really wasn't sure how to write Dwayne, like all everyone says is that he is the strong silent type, but I was unsure of how he would be with a mate and she took time out of her day to message me and give me ideas for this chapter 😭 Thank you again for that!❤️

Lastly I'd like to thank @santacarlatourism for their headcanons of each boy's scent on my post

Paul, Marko, David

Word count: 4,097

Pairing: Dwayne x Female Reader

Warnings: THIS STORY IS PURE SMUT!! THAT IS ALL IT IS!! MINORS DNI!!

⚠️ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐈 𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬, 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬, 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞.⚠️

Ko-Fi

"Just don't invite him in"

That's what David had told you when he informed you to stay away from the cave for the next couple of days. You were confused when David had met you at the entrance the night before, you were fully prepared to spend the night at the boardwalk with the boys and your favorite vampire, but David had quickly shot down those plans.

"Wait…A rut? Like how animals have ru-"

"Yes just like that" he told you as he walked you back to your car.

"You see when we go into these we are very dangerous to you, if you were a vampire you would be ok but since you're a human you're far more…"

"Fragile" you finished, the boys had all told you that before, taking it upon themselves to protect you all the time because you were "like a China doll" in Dwayne's words.

"So you understand why it's best if you just stay away for a couple of days" he explained, to which you could only simply nod as you climbed in your car. Your thoughts suddenly taking a turn as you thought of him…they were all extremely attractive…him especially…and you were sure him taking a partner for a quick time was something he had done before…would that happen again? After all, if he was gonna kill them anyways why not? It didn't matter if they were fragile right? But why did that thought make you wanna cry even more in this situation?

"It's not like that" David's voice broke you out of your thoughts and you were unsure if he had read your thoughts or could just read your emotions.

"Go home y/n, don't overthink, you can come back soon" he told you as he shut your car door, watching as you started the car and rolled down the window when he knocked

"And one more thing" he told you while leaning in.

"Just don't invite him in"

So here you were, sitting in your room, listening to music and drawing, wishing you could just go hang out with the boys, you hadn't really realized just how much of a staple in your life they had become until now. Night's seemed boring without them…without him. Sighing you sat your sketchbook down on your nightstand after you realized that in your zoned out state you had successfully sketched what was probably the twentieth picture of him that resided in the book. Stretching, you got up and changed the music, putting on your newest Jimi Hendrix album, you hadn't really listened to him much until Dwayne got you into him, he would always take you aside and let you just relax in his room when the boys got too rowdy, putting a record on and just letting you both drift off into the music. You felt your body sway as All along the watchtower came on, a favorite for both of you, but your body came to a halt when you heard knocking on your window, slowly turning, your breath and heart picking up as David's words rang in your head again.

"Just don't invite him in"

You knew it would be stupid to pretend to not be here, the music was loud enough to alert anyone, and he could, no doubt, smell you.

"You gonna open up Princess?" He asked, his voice calm but you could hear the darker tone and slight gravel, telling you that he was currently vamped out.

"Um…I'm not exactly supposed to" you told him after a moment, listening as a low growl filled the silence.

"I'm guessing David talked to you?"

"Yeah…He said he would be best if I just-"

"Nevermind what he said" he interrupted you, something you weren't used to from him.

"I can explain it all but you gotta let me in Princess" he spoke again after a moment. You knew you shouldn't, you knew you should listen to David and just tell him to leave, but you also knew that out of all of them you always felt the safest with Dwayne, and you believed that even in this state, he wouldn't put you in danger. You slowly made your way over to the window, pulling back the black out curtains and peering out onto the little balcony that was attached. Golden eyes met (e/c) and you quickly took note of him being completely bare on top, usually his jacket gave him some modesty, but tonight it was gone, something that was very unusual.

"Princess" he spoke in a sort of low sigh, like he was beyond relieved just to see you. You opened the window, leaning out to talk to him.

"Dwayne are you sure this is-" but you were quickly cut off by the feeling of his soft lips on yours, the kiss wasn't rough, but firm, like he couldn't release you even if he wanted to and honestly, you didn't want him to. His hands cupped your face, tongue slowly gliding along your lips before he parted them, fangs grazing the soft skin as he consumed your every sense. Your hands gripped his arms, trying to ground yourself but only losing yourself more, you knew Dwayne was fit but you had never gotten a good look, or feel, because of his jacket, but now his warmer than normal flesh under your palms had your mind reeling..As did the smells that seemed to make your head fuzzy, the scent of leather and motor oil that always clung to him, as well as the smell of the ocean air, and the natural musk that you could only describe as him, but now they seemed to be cranked up to a hundred, clouding your thoughts and filling them with him and only him. As if sensing that air was getting limited, you felt him pull away, your own lips chasing his, before you felt him rest his forehead against yours.

"Let me in Princess" he told you, voice deeper but still soft, though you noted the restraint in his tone.

"Dwayne I-"

"I'll explain everything" he told you and you took a moment to get your brain in order, though you found it incredibly difficult.

"Ok"

"I can come inside?" He asked, and you could feel the smile against your lips.

"You can come inside" you repeated, unknowing just how your words affected him.

"I'll remember that" he whispered against your lips, before you were suddenly in your room again, your feet no longer touching the ground as he carried you to your bed, laying you down on the mattress before quickly climbing over you. Your lips reconnected instantly and your hands began exploring his newly exposed skin. You felt his hand leave your face, running down your sides before coming up under your shirt, his other hand quickly joining it as he began lifting the material, only breaking the kiss to quickly remove the offending article before reconnecting his lips to yours. His hands quickly cupped your breasts, claws dragging over your soft skin while he listened to your heart rate pick up, the smell of your arousal becoming stronger and this time it was his head that was becoming fuzzy. His lips left yours, trailing down your neck to mark it, he would make sure that everyone on the boardwalk knew you were his, his human, his girl…His mate. The thought had him slowly grinding down, hips digging into yours as you felt him rubbing against where you needed him. The friction caused a gasp and moan to leave your lips, which you guessed turned him on more because he began to press down harder. You whimpered as his mouth latched onto your nipple, a sound that had him growling. Your hand tangling in his dark locks before gripping slightly, pulling gently, and causing him to reattach his lips to yours, his hands shooting down to quickly take off your bottoms.

"Dwayne" you whimpered, feeling him take off his own pants, full skin on skin contact making you both sigh. You felt his hand slide down your side, fingers ghosting along your thigh before moving up to press against you, you couldn't stop the moan even if you tried, the sudden contact on your heat had you squirming under him, a fact that had him smiling in the kiss. He gently ran his finger along your core, gathering the wetness before rubbing tight slow circles on your clit, making sure to be careful of his claws.

"Fuck" you panted, hips moving up to seek out more pleasure, and you heard him chuckle against your mouth.

"You like that?" He asked, other hand brushing your hair away from your face so he could look down at you, your flushed cheeks, your blown pupils, your chest rising and falling with your quickened breath and rapid heartbeat, you were like a goddess laid out before him, and the only thought that kept running through his head was simply.

'mine'

"Tell me what you want" he breathed against your neck before he returned to marking you, his hand never stopping its movement as you became wetter against his fingers.

"Shit…Dwayne" you whimpered, hands gripping his arms, nails slightly digging in as you rocked your hips in time with his fingers.

"You like this? Like me taking my time with you? Like me making sure you're soaking?" He asked, and honestly you swore you could have cum right there. You had never even thought of him being into dirty talk with as little as he spoke, but having that deep voice whisper such things right against your skin, you couldn't stop the moan even if you tried.

"Fuck…more…please" you begged, watching as he sat back on his knees, smiling down at you, all the while his hand never stopped.

"More? What do you want baby?" He asked, his other hand running along your stomach before coming up to cup your breast, lightly playing with your nipple, just enough to give you slight twinges of pleasure.

"You" you begged, hand grabbing his as you brought it up to your face, gently bringing his thumb into your mouth.

"You gonna take me?" He asked, his hand picking up speed and pressure, watching as your eyes rolled back, your whimper muffled by his finger.

"Gonna take everything I give you?" He added, his own mind starting to picture everything, and he could feel himself starting to lose control again.

"You're gonna know you're mine by the end of the night" he smiled, and watched as your legs locked up, trembling before a louder muffled moan tumbled from you, his hand becoming even wetter as he watched the pure ecstasy wash over you. He worked you through it, only stopping once you removed his finger from your mouth to whimper a please.

"Think you can give me another one Princess?" He asked, body hovering over yours as he kissed your chest, listening to your heart slow down a bit.

"Yes" you panted, hands coming up to cup his face and pull him in for a kiss, you felt his hands grab your thighs as he parted your lips with his, dominating the kiss while he slotted himself between your legs, wrapping them around his waist and slowly grinding into your heat, a feeling that had the both of you moaning.

"You want it?" He asked, looking down at you, golden gaze almost glowing as he watched you.

"Yes" you begged, hips lifting to meet his.

"Tell me" he moaned.

"Fuck I want all of you, please"

"All of me?"

"Yes"

"You'll take everything I give you?"

"Fuck yes!"

"You'll take every drop?" He asked, eyes never leaving yours, but you noted the yearning look in his gaze as he watched you, waiting for your answer.

"Every drop" you panted, listening as a low growl left him, and watching as he slowly dragged his length through your folds, coating himself. You hadn't given much thought to size, but now, looking down and watching him, you were starting to wonder if he would even fit. And as if reading your mind you heard him chuckle.

"I'll go slow" he told you, leaning back over you to capture your lips once more before warning you.

"I'm not sure if I'll be able to stop once I start though" you could only nod, the thought of Dwayne, cool, calm, and collected Dwayne completely losing control during sex made you wetter than you'd care to admit…Though he seemed to have known.

"You like that idea?" He chuckled, taking a deep breath before another low growl rumbled against your chest.

"You smell so fucking good when you get horny" he spoke against your skin.

"W-wait you can-"

"Everytime, everytime you came into the cave after reading one of your little private books," he started, and you felt the smile against your skin.

"Or when I pulled you away from Paul and sat you on my lap" he added, and you knew exactly what he was talking about. You and Paul had been jamming out, dancing like idiots to whatever rock song Paul had put on, you had started feeling a bit tired, and were just about to go sit down when suddenly Dwayne had pulled you into his lap, wrapping his arms around your middle and pulling you back against him. You had been so flustered and turned on by his strength and had hoped the guys would just read your flushed cheeks and rapid heartbeat as just from dancing…it seems you had been wrong.

"Last chance" he spoke again, pulling you out of your memory, your eyes meeting once more.

"Say no now and I'll leave" but that was the last thing you wanted, you wanted him, all of him, and whatever he would give you. So instead you tangled your hands in his hair and pulled him to you, lips crashing against his and that was the only sign he needed. His hand quickly lined himself up and without a second thought he was slowly sinking into you, groaning as your heat swallowed him. The pace he set was slow but firm, shallow thrusts, like he didn't want to leave your body for too long, and also to make sure he didn't hurt you, he knew he was a lot to handle, he would have to build up to that. Each thrust pulled a moan from you though, a sound he found himself drowning in.

"You like this?" He asked with a smirk as he watched you, your head thrown back and eyes closed, legs tight around his waist.

"Come on Princess, I know you can be louder than that" he groaned, watching as you reached down to grip his arm, your other hand going against the headboard to stop yourself from moving up the bed. He could feel himself getting lost in everything, the sound of your pounding heartbeat, a sound that had his inner beast clawing to get out, the feeling of your skin against his, your breasts pressed against his chest as he put more of his weight against you. The feeling of your heat pulling him in, surrounding him as you only continued to become wetter, which created a whole new sound that had him moaning against your neck. Your bed squeaking with every firm thrust and your moans now a constant, along with whimpers of his name. Your smell was making his head even fuzzier at this point, your natural scent cranked up as sweat began to coat your body from the heat.

"Gonna...Fuck...Gonna fill you up" you heard him groan, feeling him begin to push deeper with every thrust, your body welcoming him, especially when he started hitting that spot inside you.

"Gonna give you…Shit...every last drop" he panted against your skin, growling at the moan you released at the idea, he could smell it, how your body was waiting for what only he could give it.

"You want it?" He asked, listening as your moans pitched in tone, your heartbeat picking up even more, he knew you were getting close.

"Please" you begged, you knew you must have looked and sounded almost pathetic, but at that moment you didn't care, you didn't even know what he was asking, you just wanted anything and everything that he was willing to give you.

"Say you want it…Fuck…Say you'll take it" he groaned, fangs grazing your neck as he thrust forward, completely bottoming out, pulling another moan from the both of you.

"Shit…Say you'll be a good mate and take my child" he growled, and the realization of what he had been asking for hit you, a thought that probably should have made you take a moment, but instead had you locking your legs tighter around him, Fuck you really wanted to give him a child if you could, you had seen him with Laddie, you knew he would be a really good fucking dad. He lifted up, just enough to look you in the eyes, his gaze still a blazing gold but you could see the almost pleading behind the pure primal instinct. Without a second thought you buried your hand in his hair, pulling it as you brought his lips to yours for the third time that night, in a passionate kiss, only stopping to breathe against his lips.

"Put a baby in me"

You feared for a moment that it sounded too funny, your wording, or that he had changed his mind as you felt him slow down, the two of you just staring at one another.

"Say it again" he spoke slowly, sitting back on his knees to look down at you with a look you hadn't seen before, a look of a predator getting its prey exactly where it wanted it.

"Put a..baby in me?" You asked, your tone more a question as you watched a smile slowly spread across his face.

"Yeah?" He asked

"Yeah" you smiled, too distracted with his gaze to realize he was beginning to move again until he thrust forward, dragging another moan from your throat as your head tilted up, eyes rolling back. He didn't let your body move far though, hands holding your hips in a bruising grip, claws slightly breaking the skin and sending tiny shocks of pleasure through your system. His thrusts became quick but firm once more, though in the beginning they were shallow, not wanting to hurt you by having you take too much, now they were deep, his length never leaving your heat for too long as he worked you both towards your highs. The sound of skin on skin echoed in the room, your wetness and moans only adding to the lewd noises that were sending him towards his end. But it was the thought, the promise that had his own eyes rolling back, you were his mate and you were gonna give him something he had wanted for so long. Leaning forward again he kept himself up on one arm, his other still holding your hips.

"Fuck I'm close" he panted, feeling your legs bend higher against his hips, caressing his sides as you opened yourself more for him, drawing him in deeper, allowing him in closer to where he needed to be.

"Me too" you whimpered, nails dragging down his back as you held on.

"Cum for me Princess" he spoke, groaning when you pulled his hair, he could feel the coil in his stomach tightening with every thrust. You felt him bury his face against your neck, tongue dragging along the soft flesh as his hot breaths fanned it, lips caressing it, and fangs lightly dragging along it. You knew what he wanted, and honestly, you did too. Tilting your head to the side you pulled him closer by the hand that was still buried in his dark locks, pressing his face further against your neck and giving him the ok, a sign he only needed to be given once as you felt his fangs pierce the skin. The feeling wasn't uncomfortable, in fact it was the last push you needed to send you over the edge, your legs locking around his waist, one hand digging into his back while the other gripped his hair tighter, eyes closed as a loud moan of his name left you. For him it was much the same, as soon as your blood touched his tongue he was gone, hips speeding up before stuttering as he felt you lock your legs around him, his grip on your hip and sheets tightening while his mouth left your neck, head thrown back as a moan left him, blood covering his lips and chin while he continued to move, continued to to do as he promised and give you every last drop. You felt his hips begin to slow just as your eyes came back into focus, your mind becoming clearer as you came back down from your high. You looked up at him, watching as his eyes were still closed, mouth slightly ajar as quick pants left him, his hips gave small gentle thrusts as he refused to let even a drop leave your body. You watched as he blinked once, twice, before his head lowered, gaze meeting yours and you noted that his golden eyes had lost the red haze they seemed to have had before. You watched as a slow smile graced his face, hand coming down to cup your cheek before bringing your lips to his, the taste of blood on your tongue was a bit odd, but something you could get used to if it meant more kisses from him.

"Thank you" he breathed against your mouth, earning a giggle from you.

"You don't have to thank me Dwayne, I'm your mate after all right?" You smiled, watching as his gaze softened even more before he pressed a quick kiss to your lips.

"My mate"

"I honestly didn't expect you to come here" you spoke after a while, hand running through his hair as he now laid his head on your chest, listening to your steady heartbeat, but your words caused him to tilt his head up towards you, an unspoken question in his eyes.

"David said you all were going through a rut, and to stay away from you all because it was dangerous…even you have stated before how fragile I am" you told him, watching as he leaned up a bit, and whimpering as he shifted inside you, having never pulled out.

"You are," he teased.

"But I wouldn't go anywhere else" he added, making you give him a confused look.

"It's not all of us going through a rut, just me"

"What? Do you all do it at different times or?"

"No. We've only been told about this, but none of us have ever gone through it. We don't go through it unless we find our mate"

"...Wait…Your mate…so that wasn't just…sexy vampire talk?" You asked, a question that caused him to start laughing.

"You find me calling you my mate sexy?" He asked, grinning as he leaned down to kiss the bite mark he left, his hips moving to give a shallow thrust and you realized that he was hard once again.

"Maybe" you giggled.

"Our mates are like the vampire's version of soulmates" he explained, a warm feeling spreading through your body at the information.

"So…I'm your soulmate?" You couldn't help but ask, a dopey grin on your face as he unburied his and met your gaze.

"Yeah, you're my soulmate Princess" he smiled back.

"And with any luck," he spoke with a smirk after a moment, hips gently thrusting, creating a slow steady rhythm.

"We could definitely make sure that takes," you smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck as he leaned up on his arms, hovering over you to reach a better angle, one that had him once again hitting that spot inside you.

"Thank you" he told you again with a smile, leaning down to capture your lips in a passionate kiss.

"You're gonna be an amazing dad" you told him once he pulled away, watching the pure joy spread across his face.

"You're gonna be an amazing mom Princess" he told you, kissing you again before leaning back to pick up his pace a bit.

"I think we can fit in a few more rounds before the rut is over" he chuckled, golden eyes seemingly glowing again as he looked down at you, and you realized you were in for a long night.

So there it is ladies! I hope you enjoyed this one, like I said before Dwayne has been hard for me to write since I got into The Lost Boys lol

If you'd like to be added to the taglist for the David chapter just let me know.

Taglist

@its-monster-mash , @arenpath , @xxx-wounded-angel-xxx , @katpursley94-blog , @theamericanjewitch , @shewhomustnotbenamedsworld , @thelostone91 , @blazeflays , @ilikechocolatemilkh , @babyloutattoo89 , @bigcreatorwombatdreamer , @non-binary-disastrous-mess , @2525sc , @kitteebree , @besas-stuff , @justaspeachy , @faefairi3 , @its-freaking-bats , @santa-carla-boardwalk-1987 , @urmothersmistress , @misslavenderlady @heavenwoodcoco

[softstraykidshours]

Chan is coming home from work to see your pregnant stomach through the silky nightshirt. P.s. You stayed up until he got home watching movies (not sure if this type of ask is allowed)

no bc bestie chan would be the literal cutest if you were pregnant. like mans was literally built to be a dad (he literally already has 7 kids). this was such a cute request and i got hella soft writing it so i hope you enjoy it!

<3 abbie and courtney

-------------------------------------------------------

pairing: chan x gn!reader

genre: fluff

word count: 680

warning(s): pregnancy

"baby, you gotta wake up."

your eyes flutter open to the sound of chan's soft whispers. after blinking a few times to clear the fog of sleep, you finally focus in on chan. he's kneeling in front of the couch, softly brushing your hair behind your ear, and looking at you with the most endearing expression on his face.

the tv drones on in the background and you realize you must have fallen asleep at some point. "i'm sorry, i didn't even realize i dozed off" you say, voice still laced with sleep. "i thought i'd wait for you to come home."

"oh baby, you didn't need to do that. you should have just gone to bed, the couch can't be comfortable for your back."

ever since you found out you were pregnant chan has been fussing over every little thing, always trying to make sure you are perfectly comfortable and at ease. and tonight is no exception.

"it's okay, i was happy to wait. i just missed you and i wanted to go to bed together so i didn't mind waiting. really."

"well next time, just text me and i'll try to get away sooner, that way you don't have to stay up so late waiting. but, i'm home now, so how about we go snuggle up in bed and go to sleep?" you nod quickly in response while reaching your hand up to his.

he helps pull you up off the couch and you pause for a moment, arms raising above your head and back arching as you stretch. you drop your arms back to your sides and your silk night shirt settles back around your frame, the fabric shifting as it slopes across your stomach.

chan's eyes immediately zero in on the way the blue silk drapes to show off your little baby bump.

"oh my god!" he whisper shouts, trying to keep his excitement down becsuse you just woke up. "baby you're showing!" his hands shoot to your waist, gently caressing the little bump that just started to make an appearance.

your heart feels ready to burst at the overflowing love you feel from just his touch and when you look up and see his eyes brimming with tears you think it actually does.

"baby, what's wrong?" you whisper, hand reaching up to cup his cheek.

"it's just.... It's really happening," he manages to choke out, voice thick with emotion. "i'm gonna be a dad."

a tear escapes and starts rolling down his cheek, but you gently wipe it away. "yah, you are. and you're gonna be an incredible one." you give him a soft, lingering kiss before pulling away and grabbing his hand. "now come on, i believe i was promised some snuggles."

he leads you backs into the bedroom and tucks you in, cuddling up close behind you. qrapping his arms around you, he gently settles his hand onto your belly. you fall asleep like that, surrounded by his embrace with his thumb tracing soft circles across your bump.

[coffeebanana]

How would you recommend interacting with a writer. If a story wasn't to your taste, or left you unsatisfied. But you still want to encourage, the writer. And show gratitude for the free entertainment?

Hi anon!

The short answer is, a simple "thanks for the fic!" or "thanks for sharing!" or even a few emojis will often suffice. You really don't have to let the writer know what you didn't like. At the end of the day, they're not writing the fic for you, and obiously not every story is going to satisfy everyone the same way--otherwise we'd all be the same and that would be a horrendously boring world to live in.

The long answer is probably unecessary, but I like to procrastinate on my WIPs talk 😂

There's a format of commenting that goes a little like this: "i don't normally like [X ship, X trope, the way X acts in canon, etc...], but i love the way you do it!!" And honestly I myself have used that before--mostly for tropes, though possibly for some ships as well. And on the surface, that's reads as a compliment. Personally, when ppl leave me that sort of comment, I'll usually interpret it as a compliment too--unless they're full on bashing the thing I love (which sometimes happens with people criticizing canon). And I do think it's INTENDED as a compliment. (That's how I've meant it, when I used it, so I do try my best to also interpret others in good faith.)

But it can also read as "I don't like this thing that you really like and I felt the need to tell you that." Honestly, I didn't even realize it would come across that way until I saw someone else point it out. And then...yeah, I started to notice the fics I get it on more (A lot lot lot of my ladrien fics, lmao.)

So I'm at a weird cross roads where I try not to use that anymore--unless it's with someone I'm fairly sure will understand how I mean it?because sometimes you do have more of a rapport with certain ppl and they'll understand what you mean--but I also don't want to say it's 100% a bad thing to say. I really do understand the intent.

Anyways, my point in bringing that up is that you never don't know what seemingly innocent "this wasn't quite to my taste" comment is going to read as an insult. And so if you really DO want to encourage said writer, I'd recommend sticking to the positives.

Another big thing that's important to me personally is: don't lie.

People have a tendancy to...I don't want to say be disingenuous, but certainly to exaggerate at times on the internet. You see that in the SCREAMING CRYING EATING GLASS types comments. And those are USUALLY sincere in the way that the emotions they convey are sincere. We as a society understand they're not literally eating glass but that they're in agony because the angst in the fic was so good and they want more. But then--something I've noticed--that sort of lingo has a way of slipping into a default response of sorts. And sometimes that makes me question if people really mean it?

This second thing is probably more of a personal thing than a response to your question, but since it's something I've been thinking about lately I hope you don't mind that I brought it up too. I really don't want people to lie to me about my writing.

Not even if it's "to be nice".

Maybe this is in part because I myself find it...difficult to be insincere with ppl, but I don't want false compliments--that's something I tell my friends too. If I write a trope or pairing you don't like? There's never any pressure to read it. I don't expect comments or kudos from anyone. And I'm not someone who in general believes people are insincere--that's not really fair to other people. But everyone has doubts at some point, and I feel like adding to that by straight up lying to make someone feel better just isn't the way to go? If you can't pick out a detail from the fic that you genuinely enjoyed, then maybe keep it to the simple "thanks for sharing!"

So, I guess the TLDR is: keep it short and sweet. keep it encouraging if that's really your goal. (and, if this ever happens to be in reference to something that I specifically have written? please don't feel like you HAVE to say anything at all)

Thanks for the ask!! Sorry I went on for so long LOL💜

[skibasyndrome]

Fingers crossed for a productive day and these as a little carrot for afterwards:

✑ (for your first YR baby), ✦, ♡ (for It's in the water, baby)

Now go be awesome and ace that thesis!

Joooo 💜💜💜 This one has been sitting in my askbox for a while, so sorry about that, but hey! I guess you can take some credit for being one of the dangling carrots that got me through it 💜 no we're not thinking about how that sounds

For It seems a place for us to dream:

✑ PROCESSING: pick a fic and I’ll tell you what it was like to write it!

kind of like... a very high-emotions-induced frenzy? 😅😅😅 No, but for real. I saw that first (three second? five second?) clip of s3 and it completely took hold of me to the point where I was like.... what is this strange feeling... I have nooooot felt this way in YEARS???? Am I about to..... write again!?!??!?! And after I'd realized that, well... clearly this isn't going to leave me alone anytime soon and I already have portions of sentences flying around in my mind I sat down and wrote half of it, then wrote the second half the next day (I think we got the rest of the clip the next day?). I was wildly typing away on my google doc in a way I hadn't done in yeeeaaars and it was like I was possessed by those couple seconds, lmao.

It's not necessarily a fic I still like a lot, but I'm glad that it was my way back into creative writing, so that's cool!

✦ what was your easiest fic to write & your hardest?

Hmmm, easiest is kind of hard to say! I think writing Close, Closer was easy in the sense that I just... started typing and didn't really stop and never looked back and it was a fic(let) that I wrote with the knowledge that it didn't have to be perfect, because it was so spontaneous and short. I general I feel like all those shorter snippets (like the not-5-sentence-fics) are easier for me because my inner critic isn't quite as loud for those. But another one that came to me like in a frenzy and felt very good while writing was Lavender Haze, my forever beloved. I wrote that one soooo quickly and I genuinely had so much fun doing it.

Hardest to write was without a doubt Never Letting You Go for a couple of reasons that made the process very difficult, frustrating and not a great time for me and my trust in myself. Took quite a long time to get back from that one.

For It's in the water, baby (I don't know which one of the heart asks you meant, so I'm answering both, haha)

♡ pick a fic and I’ll pick a comment that made me really happy

Easy! @purplehoodiesandclementines complimenting my Wille POV and saying "It all feels so THEM! So much so that I'm taking all of this as canon for now, until proven otherwise" made me smile for days and weeks and still makes me smile whenever I randomly remember it 💜

♡ SMALL THINGS: pick a fic and I’ll tell you my favorite minor detail from it!

Idk if this necessarily counts as a minor detail, but I like the way Wille still briefly thinks about the video and how it affected Simon, but Simon then proves to him that right there, with him, he feels safe.

“It’s just us,” Simon says gently, and shoots Wilhelm a smile as he unbuttons his pants. Wilhelm briefly wonders when everything turned out this way, when they arrived at this level of comfort and confidence. Wonders when Simon started being able to exist so freely again, out here, no curtains, no doors, no walls. “Are you worrying about me or is this you being uncomfortable?” Simon asks, reaching out his hands to grab Wilhelm’s. Wilhelm suspects Simon's got some sort of psychic abilities that he hasn’t come clean about yet. Or maybe it’s them . He sighs, feeling a bit of the tension leave his shoulders as soon as Simon touches him.  “Because I’m fine, you know? No one’s been here all afternoon.” Simon smiles warmly.

Ask me questions about my fics if you feel like! <3 here or here

[its-all-papaya]

hands on your keyboard cowboy i want to hear about the rest of your directors commentary pls !!! i LOVE the last landoscar convo in AN i absolutely need to hear more about it

likely place for you to be !!

(me, frothing at the mouth waiting for someone to ask me about this convo after I told you I was staying off tumblr for the rest of today)

ask me anything about my writing and read anybody, nowhere

OKAY. so. the LAST last scene of AN (fan stage) was like one of the very first things I wrote for that fic. I think the paragraph that starts "Lando's not online much these days" was first, followed by the Silverstone podium thing I used in the blurb, then it was fan stage. (Not to keep russian doll nesting asks, but the fan stage scene is a WHOLE other topic I could ramble about, I won't get into it too much here.) Anyway, other than those little anchors, I essentially just typed everything in chronological order and included what felt right when. So it was building in Lando's brain and building with Oscar and I KNEW I wanted it to end with the fan stage, so I KNEW I had to give some mental and emotional like... break? payoff? for Lando before then so that the fan stage would read like I wanted it to.

(break bc this got disguuuuusting long)

The other thing though is that I originally fucked up the Austria sprint finish order? So like 2/3 of the way through I realized I had to switch Lando and Oscar and that obviously like REALLY changed the entire tone of that passage and the bits right after, because the whole thing NOW is Lando getting beat by his teammate, but that super didn't exist until after I'd written all of Austria and started Silverstone. So I added the stuff about Lando battling Oscar and losing, and I loved it bc I think it gives the whole thing more depth, but then I was like... I need to write Lando out of this. I can't finish the fic without resolving the "Lando resents Oscar for beating him" plot-line. And I hadn't actually drafted anything for the last scene, but I had vague ideas of how it was gonna go that changed drastically when I started thinking about how to include some resolution for the on-track stuff.

SO. I'm done with the whole fic minus the conversation scene. We've had the Lewis Silverstone podium (probably my favorite part of the whole fic, and again, one of the original theses of it) and we're trying to get to the fan stage (probably my other favorite part) and I just like... sent Oscar to Lando's room with him? I didn't plan on all of their relationship development being in that one room, but I liked that it ended up that way because it felt really safe and contained for Lando, so I wanted them to get their payoff there, too. I don't really have anything to tell you about the first bit because it REALLY wrote itself. Like I was IN Lando's brain while writing this fic, all of his stuff was kind of me blind reacting to my own lead-up and then polishing it. Oscar was a bit harder to write, and this scene is the first time I felt like I had to actually make him like... do anything. Other than passively react to what Lando was doing. But even his dialogue just sat really right with me, and once I started the conversation it just felt really true to how they'd been all fic.

PAUSE for me to say I was so paranoid all fic too that I wasn't letting Oscar be enough of a real person with real emotions? I was like... some of these races sucked for Oscar too... ESPECIALLY silverstone... am I just going to make him Fix Lando anyway and not address his race? But THAT felt kind of true to Oscar too. Like he's not burdened the way Lando is and he at least seems to let things roll off easier, so I don't think it's OOC for him to not bring it up or be especially affected by it when Lando was a more pressing issue for him at the time.

Okay anyway. I really really loved the weird fight/not fight energy where Lando was fighting Oscar but Oscar just was not fighting back at all, like the one-sided argument was exactly what I wanted. I got through the part where Lando's like "I'm just not winning because I'm not" and then I got. So motherfucking stuck. Because at this point I'm like... okay. Lando has to give something back. We have to address Oscar's races. And I wrote the end of the convo no less than five times and it took probably three hours. I actually have a draft that I liked (I'll include it at the end) where they did address the Lando-hates-Oscar-beating-him thing, but then I had NO IDEA how to get them out of that. Like Lando admits that he hates losing to Oscar, but then wtf is Oscar supposed to say to that? Like... okay? Yeah? And I tried a bunch of stuff and hated it all, so I literally started a new word doc, dumped everything after "I'm just not winning because I'm not" in there, and started completely over from there in my actual WIP doc.

And from THERE I was like. You know what? We actually don't have to fix this for them? Like LANDO thinks this is a huge deal and makes him a horrible person, but does Oscar give a shit? Obviously they all hate losing to each other, that's like... the whole thing. Their whole goal is to beat everyone. So I was like "I'll indulge myself and just let them not deal with it right away" and I'd already written the "oscar's hand is out, palm up" paragraph for that original draft I liked, so I slotted her back in instead. And again, I am IN LANDO'S BRAIN, and I was like if EYE am thinking too much about how this conversation "should" go in a perfect world, Lando is DEFINITELY thinking about it. And I was like oh I need to stop thinking? Lando needs to stop thinking. And it sounds insane now because when I re-read the fic now, the through-line of Oscar calming Lando's thoughts is so so so obvious, but I promise that until writing "I need to stop thinking" it had never ever occurred to me that that's what Lando and Oscar's building relationship was doing for Lando the whole time.

Oh ALSO, in my original concept, they were never going to kiss because I felt like it would be forced bc I hadn't built to it enough. But once I hit on "I need to stop thinking" I was like OBVIOUSLY Oscar will kiss him to shut his silly brain up. Which, fun fact, is where "Lando isn’t even surprised. At any of it, really. It was always going to end up here" came from. It was just me, Soph, being like... oh. OBVIOUSLY THEY WERE ALWAYS GOING TO KISS.

So then I finished the kissing part and I was like... how will we get to fan stage for REAL. And I was still kind of worried about not resolving the on-track tension thing, so I was like... Lando is probably worried about that too! And the last "No, babe. That's your job." came to me straight from heaven or something, idk, but it was so perfect for ending the scene. Like I had spent HOURS AND HOURS worried about how to make them authentically address this and still stay soft and warm with each other and Lando's been panicking about it for eight straight days and we finally get the nerve to bring it up and Oscar is like "you silly silly goose, of course you hate losing to me!"

hahahahaha okay final notes then scene draft: as I said in the answered ask after I first decided to write AN2, I feel like I ended up with a version of this scene that was.... SO accidentally foreshadow-y of Hungary?? I was watching the team orders situation play out during that race and I felt like that dodgeball "the gift of prophecy" meme because I was like... holy fuck, this is EXACTLY the kind of thing that AN Lando was afraid of. The other note is that the line "we don't have to fix it right now, Lando" in the hollow hereafter is a direct result of my fight with this scene in AN and the topics of it. AN2 was destined, it's literally the only thing I can think of with the amount of weird pre-work I'd already done for a situation I didn't know was going to exist ever when I published AN????

oKAY THANKS FOR ASKING CLEARLY I HAD THOUGHTS!! Here are your demos/deleted drafts !!

this is how the austria sprint scene finished when I thought it was Lando P2, Oscar P3:

As he clasps Oscar’s gloved hand in parc fermé, he wishes for a blind second that it was a grand prix so he could remember how Oscar’s eyes looked squeezed against champagne spray up close. Then he remembers that place in the back of his mind and the ugly, twisted relief he felt passing his teammate for the final time, and he shoves the idea away. He doesn’t deserve that, either.

And this is how the final convo went when I was trying to make them discuss things (picks up after "It’s just me. I’m just not winning because I’m not.” and the rest of that paragraph didn't exist yet):

“We drive the same car,” Oscar says and Lando already knows he’s not going to like the rest, “and I’ve been qualifying like shit the whole month, too. It’s not just us out there. You know that. You’re being really hard on yourself.”

Lando remembers then that Oscar’d had his race ruined too. Worse, probably. Without a choice in the matter. And instead of wallowing he’s here comforting Lando, who should know better by now. Who should be better by now.

“I’ve been here three times as long as you,” he’s teetering on that precipice, deciding between anger and the other thing. “And I’m still making stupid mistakes. It’s worse because I should be better by now, and-” he stops. Considers.

“And?” Oscar prompts and Lando still can’t look at him.

“And you beat me. In Austria.” He says, quieter than anything since they’ve entered his room.

Oscar takes a breath so deep Lando can hear it. When he finally glances up, Oscar is already looking at him. His eyes still have that stupid warm, fond look in them and Lando’s afraid he’s going to do something dumb, like apologize, but instead what he says is “I beat you in Monaco.”

Lando scoffs, eyes back on his feet. “That wasn’t the same.”

“Why?” and he’s still asking like he doesn’t know the answers.

“Because it wasn’t, Oscar, people weren’t saying things in Monaco.” He’s losing the thread of the conversation a little bit, brain wrung dry from hours of thinking these things over, and it feels ten times harder to do it all out loud.

“Is this about what people are saying?” Oscar asks, then, and maybe they’ve both talked themselves in a bit of a knot.

“It’s not about anything.

“Lando,” Oscar says. “C’mere.”

His hand is out, palm up, and he’s taken his cap off at some point so his hair is messy and ruffled and he looks soft even though he’s got his damn polo neatly tucked in like always. He should be mad. Lando’s selfish, he’s so… he’s always taking what he shouldn’t from Oscar, but he goes anyway, puts his hand in Oscar’s and lets his teammate pull him down next to him on the bed.

“Are you upset about Austria?” he asks gently. He’d let go of Lando’s hand as soon as he was sitting, so his arm is free to curl around Lando’s waist, drag his palm up. Hip to ribs.

Lando sucks on the side of his thumb where it’s started to bleed. When he brings his hand to his face, it’s shaking a little. “Not…” he pauses, concedes, “Kind of. But not at you, I don’t think. I like when you do well.”

Oscar laughs a little and Lando’s eyebrows pull together, but it doesn’t feel mean. Lando’s not sure Oscar has a mean bone in his body when it comes to him, and that should be an issue, probably.

Oscar’s palm slides back down, ribs to hip.

“At what, then?”

And that’s the question, isn’t it.

And then I couldn't get them out of it so all that went to the graveyard! But I like the way it ended up, so I'm really really not mad about it.

KAY THX CHARLIE love u <3 if anybody else made it this far, ask about other scenes, I dare you >:)

[moreespressoformydepresso]

knock knock ⭐ losing battle plssss

(future me adding this later because I want people to see this without reading this whole mess: In The Losing Battle, Lamina loves Treech while Tanner loves the idea of Treech. Explanation is at the end of the post below)

Omg okay there is so much I could and want to talk about but I'd be writing several essays so I'll try to keep this contained to one thing. If anyone else is interested I'll ramble about the other stuff because there is so much that I haven't put into text yet or have kept vague/implied so far (IE what exactly happened between Treech and Vipsania during the interviews and dynamics between characters that are neither Treech nor Lamina). A lot of it is due to perspective restraints, because I love me an unreliable narrator to the point where I've never written anything that didn't contain it to some degree but it does make it difficult to fully get across what the character thinks vs what's actually happening around them. There's a lot of smaller inaccuracies in their perception of reality that I don't see anyone mentioning (though to be fair not many people talk to me about the fic) so I don't know if anyone caught them or not. A shame, really, because I've put a stupid amount of thought into them.

Also, there's just so much to say about all my fics but especially this one! I could talk about all the different motivations of characters who aren't very present or the tensions building in the background or the deep explanations of why characters do what they do that TreeMina isn't self-aware or present enough for to realize or I could talk about how this whole fic's basic premise is the soul-crushing reality that major, world-shattering changes on a personal level barely have any impact on the bigger picture until decades in the future but I'll pick just one. Oohh this is gonna be difficult I just really want to type whatever comes to mind but I can't. But! That's enough useless introductory words. Onto the unhinged ramblings of a mad entity!

The mini LumberHouse subplot! Otherwise known as why Tanner really doesn't like Lamina in this fic, even if it isn't that apparent due to how small his role is in the story.

I'm choosing Tanner because I have a lot to say about him, but unlike the main duo or Vipsania and Pup, Tanner isn't gonna get a big spotlight chapter as it stands right now. Maybe as a mini spin off one-shot but I'm not planning on it. Vip and Pup will get more focus later, especially once Treech and Lamina are out of the arena, but Tanner just doesn't have enough impact on the story to get that. Which is the intention here.

My basic idea for Tanner is that he's someone who very clearly has his own life and complicated emotions during the games, with pain and drama and the whole shebang, but it all happens in the background. You can get a good idea of his struggles if you pay attention but it's just as easy to read past and not even notice, because he's not a main character. He's my representation for the way all these kids had their own stories that could just have easily been the one you were reading, but you aren't. So you only get glimpses whenever one of the actual main characters is close enough to take note. Most of his story is implied, with enough room for other people to have different interpretations than what I intended. The timeline in my head for the Tanner/Treech arc of Tanner's life is as follows:

Tanner didn't even really notice Treech before the arena bombing. Sure, he enjoyed the singing and he knew his name, but at most he really noticed him due to his proximity to Lamina, who Tanner tended to pay attention to due to her crying. Then Treech had the balls to turn Coral's offer down during the bombing. and Tanner really started to see Treech. The way he shared all of his food, the small ways in which he showed kindness, the way his face lit up so prettily when he smiled. Tanner became intrigued, but only ever from a distance. With dawning horror he realizes he's developed a crush on a boy he'll be forced to kill in a matter of days, and he can't even go and talk to him. When they meet up in the arena, it's no accident. Tanner deliberately snuck away from Coral and Mizzen to see if he could catch a glimpse of Treech and possibly even talk to him, if only to give himself some closure. When he finds Treech with Dill, his feelings deepen, but when he hears Lamina calling for him... When he sees the way those two interact, he knows he's lost. He lost before he even began.

See, Tanner dislikes Lamina, but it's not for anything she's done. It's because she has what he wants to have: A connection with Treech. She's had years to get to know him and spend time with him, and Tanner didn't even get an hour. Now, he's not stupid, Tanner knows that he and Treech were never gonna be a thing because no shit, one of them is gonna have to die here, but it doesn't lessen the jealousy. It doesn't erase the what-ifs and the might-have-beens. And unlike Lamina, Tanner doesn't get to spend his last few days with someone he cares about. Brandy's gone and Treech is at the top of his alliance's blacklist. Whether he lives or dies, he'll have spent these days as good as alone.

The biggest difference between Tanner and Lamina that made TreeMina endgame instead of LumberHouse is that Tanner has a crush where Lamina is in love. One of the most painful things for Tanner is that he knows he could've loved Treech if he'd had the time, and maybe it could have been mutual, but they don't. Lamina did have that time, and over the years she and Treech fell in love far past a simple crush. Basically, Lamina is scared of losing what she has where Tanner laments what might have been if things were just a little different. Tanner doesn't actually know Treech, they've barely spoken to each other, and while he has a good grasp of who Treech is due to what he's seen so far, he's only seen bits and pieces of his person. Therefore, he can't really love Treech. He has a crush on him, and he loves the idea of Treech he has in his head based on what he's observed. How accurate that image of him is, is a whole different question. Lamina, meanwhile, has had years to get to know him. She and Treech have shared many vulnerable, personal moments together and their bond has grown incredibly strong over the years. Not even betrayal could fully break it. Lamina truly loves Treech, because she knows him better than anyone else. From his strengths to his biggest flaws, she's seen them all and she loves him for it.

Lamina gets to stay with Treech because she knows him in ways Tanner will never get the chance to, and he hates her for it.

[pastafossa]

hi, pasta :)) i really hope you’re good !!

my bad if this is something you’ve talked about already but i was just wondering what inspired you to write trt??

also is it okay for me to say that (like just from all the notes you put at the end of chapters and being able to get in your head a lil bit from all that) you genuinely seem like such a cool person <3

THIS IS SO SWEET, thank you so much!😭 My chapter end notes have absolutely turned into a little director's commentary session so those are definitely a look into my head, so I'm delighted you enjoy them!

And I haven't answered this question in a long time, I don't mind answering again!

Behind the cut so I don't clog everyone's feeds!

TRT basically started because I was talking to a friend about the list of POVs I'd written in (1st, 3rd limited, and 3rd omniscient at the time), and she threw out a, 'You're literally just missing 2nd person, DO IT YOU COWARD. I DARE YOU'

she thought i'd just do a oneshot she did not mean for me to go out and write War and Peace: Daredevil which is hilarious in hindsight

Anyway, my brain went 'CHALLENGE FUCKING ACCEPTE-wait I don't know how to write 2nd person. I'd only ever experienced it in RPGs and Choose Your Own Adventure books/stories up until that point (hilariously, I didn't even know about Reader fics at this point), but I liked those well enough, so I went and did some research, checked out CYOA library books to figure out how I could write a good You like the ones I loved in games and books. The whole time I was also trying to think of what the hell I'd even write about. I knew I wanted it to be Daredevil since it was my favorite fandom, and obviously it would have a You in it like CYOA books (discovered Reader fics around here during the research phase, which helped a bit), but I had no real plotline beyond that. Then I had a post come across my previous tumblr account's feed. It was one of those prompt-type idea posts for writing, and it said (paraphrased since it's been like 7-8 years):

'According to myth, there is an invisible red thread that binds two soulmates together. Though it may tangle or stretch, it never breaks.'

And... something clicked.

What if you could see them?

What if there were more colors?

Colors not just for a soulmate's love but for all love - love for friends and family, for teddy bears and your old car, for all our sweet dogs and purring kitties that love us wholly, for forests and the sea, for books and music and your old house and your entire city and holy shit that's it-she can see them, and if she can see them, she can track them, and how useful would that be to those in power? And if you have these psychic connections that's basically a way into someone's soul so what if it was like a whole other realm and obviously it's not physical so emotions would look like this and memories like-

A general plotline began to fall into place after that, built on my favorite plotlines and archetypes and tropes and my love of DD - an Evil Scientist/Defeat the Monster story arc; bring in the Bad Dude But A Good Dad archetype combined with the Cool Mafia Guy (partially inspired by Jonny Marcone in the Dresden Files); a slow burn romance which I loved watching/reading but had never tried writing before; a conflicted, morally grey protagonist to further explore the theme I loved in Daredevil of redemption and ethical dilemmas and the question of choosing who we become, etc. Once I realized how big this story was going to be, I decided to go all in and throw everything I had into the arcs and plotlines, sort of as an experiment to see if I could write a longer story at that point since I want to be published one day. And it just kind of kept getting more and more detailed from there, as I came up with twists and turns to throw in, ways I could more deeply explore this section of Hell's Kitchen and the wider Marvel universe because goddamn did I love this world the writers had created, found ways to incorporate tropes that I adored, until eventually it became TRT: this love letter to both Daredevil and all of my favorite tropes and storytelling in general. <3

[thewhumpcaretaker]

Ehehe hiii :3

A little different scenario from my usual asks but I'm curious I can't help myself 😭

(If you're comfortable talking abt this ofc, no pressure)

Since I'm writing a/b/o fic(s) with Santino and John, how do you see omega Santino and alpha John? Like, for example when the heat hits Santino, how does he act? Is he really needy and wants John to take care of him (by take care of him I mean both freaky time and actual comfort 😋)? Or he's moody and snaps at John for literally anything? Ofc, how does John act, too, in that situation :P

So many possibilities AGAIN lmaoo I'm having lots of fun with this. I have my versions of this but I'm curious on yours :3

Have a fantastic day!!! 💖

Oh boy...I have never written a/b/o before but tbh I do like it >_< so here we go haha!! There's a first time for everything ✨

I really love the way their dynamic is written in your fics!! There's a lot of nuance and tension. Santino is clingy and needy, but also angry and irritable. Santino is the one seducing John, even though he is the omega (who we might expect to have less control). So I would keep a lot of that.

But here, I tried to imagine starting a fic from scratch and coming up with their dynamic on my own. I think I'd write something with these main points:

John has always been uncomfortable with being an alpha. It's something that the High Table used to their advantage when treating him as a weapon. It allowed him to fight harder by going into a kind of berserk state, so they encouraged it and he was sometimes even given access to the scent of omegas before battle to send him into a frenzy. At the same time, he was never given access to an actual omega, because his employers didn't want him to form attachments. So he initially associates his alpha with a lot of past trauma and both sexual and emotional frustration. He wishes he was just a normal beta.

Meanwhile, Santino has a similar backstory to the one you wrote - the Camorra forced him to hide his omega status with scent blockers and he was heavily shamed for it by his father. So he has shame attached to this too. But deep down, he likes his omega and wants to express that part of himself very much.

They are overwhelmed by each other's scents, obviously. Both of them are powerful examples of the type, and well suited to each other. I think Santino smells a bit like the ocean - something beautifully fresh yet full of salt to the point that it's almost unbearably delicious and it makes John want to drink him in (John is thirsty LMAO). John smells very animal. Musk and leather.

When I think about Santino's heat, I try to think about what's actually happening in his body and how he's experiencing that. Firstly, he's experiencing a lot of discomfort. He's in physical distress, almost as if he had the flu and a fever, and he gets deep, visceral loneliness and craving for affection as if he had been touch starved for weeks. So he's going to respond to that the same way he would respond to an illness or an emotional upset - by initially pretending he's fine and snapping at everyone at the slightest provocation until it's abundantly clear that he's not fine. He deeply fears to appear weak or to be a burden. But, once John realizes what's happening and proves that he's going to be there for Santino anyway, there's no more reason to hide his feelings. At that point, Santino breaks down and becomes incredibly clingy.

What Santino needs, and what John provides, when he's in heat: LOTS of physical touch (he can't stand to not be cuddling John, or at least holding his hand, even for a second), massage for all the aches in his body, a place where he feels safe and not threatened, a warm nest to curl up in so that he is surrounded by soft things on all sides, having his requests provided for (food and water brought to him, tasks done for him if he asks, etc.), and of course SEX.

As for John's experience of Santino's heats (and his own resulting heat), he's initially afraid of himself. He feels out of control so he tries to resist his desires, which he is pretty good at doing. Only when he realizes that he genuinely cares for Santino and wants to protect him, both as an omega and as a person, does he let himself go fully into alpha mode. At that point, he is absolutely scary to everyone around him who is not Santino. His pupils are so swollen that his eyes look black, he feels an intense bloodlust that makes his fighting significantly better, he is almost completely incapable of speaking (just grunts and body language), and he will do anything to get to Santino and protect him. If a door is locked and it takes too long to unlock it, he'll just tear it off the hinges. He is feral.

The relationship is very healing for both of them. For John, his alpha is finally being given a positive outlet for its protectiveness, not just being used as a weapon. For Santino, he can finally express who he truly is without shame. They are inseparable and their bond runs deep.

Thank you for asking, I think this is a super fun concept for them!! 🖤💙

[didnt-hear-cold-as-you-live]

so I haven't really found the words to talk about this yet but I'm finally starting to, so here goes -

I'm finding myself with a very minimal, fringe sort of scattered friends in this town. at best I don't fit in with, nor do I have the desire to fit in with, really, any of the travelers or backpackers or working holiday visa people who inhabit this place (btw; anon who warned me not to go here.... 'bogan' isn't what I'd call it but your read on the vibe was right); at worst I'm finding myself on the borderline of being straight up bullied the way I was in high school - no one outright saying mean things to my face, but that very high school esque cocktail of snarky and condescending side comments, people always going off to talk without me, laughing, and stopping laughing immediately once they're back near me, being rude enough to know it's rude but just the right balance where if I say something about it I'm the one who looks weird. how isolating that is and how it pushes you down and down and down and down inside your head. I think as an adult, once you grow up and find yourself out in the world, and get to choose the people you're around, you forget what that was like. Working in the music industry specifically and knowing only one soul in real life with a "regular" job (hi Jo), I've completely forget what that's like. In the spirit of "emotional maturity", I've probably found a way to tell myself it's all kid shit and I made it seem worse than it all was, etc, and maybe it's just people being people.

Maybe that's true.

Specifically, though, the thing I've found myself being harassed over, the main tension point, is my music taste. I've been put into this twilight zone of a reality where everyone around me straight up hates Taylor Swift (in the year 2023 I genuinely didn't think that existed more than a few fringe rondo's, but apparently all those fringe rondo's live in this town), and the ones who don't say "fuck this bitch" out loud every time her music comes on, are, at their warmest, completely indifferent to the fact that she's even alive. I haven't met one person here who would even say they enjoy 1989 or whatever. I work around 20-25 y/o's mostly, and yet I put on Lorde and Maisie and Sabrina and Backseat Lovers and The 1975 and all the pop stuff I'm aware myself and that age group really like (with a bunch of famous Aussie artists thrown in), and I'm asked if we can stop with all the "weird music" and "play things everyone knows and likes" - another twilight zone thing because I had no fucking idea every girl ever wasn't on this type of pop. I put on classic throwback Fall Out Boy and All Time Low and Paramore or even Halsey's hit songs and I'm asked why everything I listen to is "so depressing". I get fully HARASSED about my music taste by the people I work with every single day. like, multiple times an hour snide comments about "weird people music" and shit like that when I really thought my taste was pretty mainstream. then they all put on either like, the most generic of generic Top 40 radio that I didn't even realize people willingly put on; just thought big labels decided it was gonna be successful so shoved it onto commercials and radio and a bunch of Spotify playlists until they gave up, OR music that I literally would need to be borderline overdosing on cocaine to enjoy - I'm talking blasting dubstep club beats and the like... at 5:30am in a coffee shop. And I haven’t said a word to them about it or been mean about it at all, and I try really hard to be polite to them but it just doesn’t matter how nice I am; they feast on me like a pack of hungry lions anyway. I moved here to be outside, and people only ever want to go to the club. Even people I get along with want to go to the damn club every other night at the least, and I’m weird for not wanting to be anywhere near something other than a bar we can have some drinks and laughs - I didn’t even know people still went to clubs, especially not vagabond travelers in an eco tourism hotspot.

And suddenly I am my high school self all over again; feeling completely fucking normal but not falling in, not able to make myself fit no matter how hard I try. I talk to people and people laugh at what I say when we have to make conversation, because, well. I'm fucking likable and I can chat up anybody. and then, for no real reason, 20 minutes later they remember they're supposed to be bullying me and go back to it. just like how it was for me in high school, where I won the “most talkative” superlative and yet when I walked on stage to graduate half the class shouted at me that I was “scum” (lol).

So anyway. That's all to say, I photographed full-band live music last night for the first time in 3 months. And suddenly, doing that, too, I was back in high school. Living in a normal world that everyone else is at and is aware of, but in my own secret pocket of it I've carved out: a pocket where I fit. where I'm still a loser by the standards of everyone around me, but a loser who is doing something objectively cool and objectively impressive, something I thrive at that no one can talk shit about because I'm GOOD. someone I knew but have nothing in common with came up to me last night and said, “I got that you took pictures but then I saw you on stage and was like OHHHH”. and I might not belong anywhere else, might not get along with anyone else, but the second a camera is in my hand and I'm crawling behind a drum kit and jumping off a stage an artist is playing a show on, and the band who I’m acquainted with is smiling at me and they love it, and everyone sees me doing it... I belong there, and I know I belong there, and no naysayer can do or say a word about it... that's what it's all about. like the loser theater kid who comes alive on a stage in front of people when they perform and no one can argue with it anymore. I remembered why I do what I do last night. How I found it (or maybe how it found me) suddenly makes sense all over again; not some poorly made impulsive choice by a girl who was too influenced by wanting to be around the boy bands she liked, committed too hard and got stuck - which is how I've seen it in adult hindsight. live music is the faction of the world that I am just the perfect puzzle piece for. somehow the most niche thing in the world - and it does seem niche once again when surrounded by people like this - is my only solid ground in this life. I am my truest self when I am running around with a camera while someone's singing; a self that anyone can see and immediately will get it. and that's just how it is.

[javascribbles]

This is the story of how I found out I was a system.

The first time there was someone "other" in my head was in mid 2022. I had no idea that DID or OSDD existed back then. I remember thinking,

"Oh my god, my parents were right, I am possessed!"

That first headmate (who had just come out of dormancy) was like gasoline on a fire. I was already in a bad place mentally, and I guess I just sort of broke. I don't remember what triggered me, but all of a sudden it was like I switched personalities and went from a very people-pleaser and kind person to typing about how I wanted the whole world to burn.

This happened on Discord. I'd been texting my friends at the time, and they all got a front row seat to what probably looked like an extreme mental breakdown. Within the span of half an hour I went from agitated and basically saying "I have no idea what's happening, I feel different" to Exe fully fronting and demanding recognition as her own person.

She also didn't know what was going on or who she was, and called herself a "virus" because that's what it felt like. It was as if I had been infected. I was somewhat co-conscious but unable to do anything, and I was panicked, watching my identity fall apart and seeing her intentionally try to sabotage my friend group by saying (probably cruel) things.

My friends took it really well, and I'm still grateful for that. They were just as confused as I was, though. Exe was consistently co-con or fronting with me for at least a full week after that. I was blindly feeling my way around, and I called her a "persona" and honestly, we did not get along well.

Sometime after this, a second headmate came to light. Her name was Julia, and her coming out of dormancy was much more peaceful. She was gentle but firm, taking over things for me when I couldn't muster up the energy.

Then there was a good chunk of time after that- six months or more- where I was clueless and confused. I did eventually begin looking things up, and while what I was experiencing kind of matched up with DID, I wasn't having any amnesia, which seemed like the deal breaker to me. A couple months went by where I was scared, thinking that I had somehow made everything up.

Exe was fronting forcibly often and her personality and preferences began to affect mine to the point where I couldn't distinguish my feelings and emotions from hers. This was when- and why, I would later realize- I decided to break up with my boyfriend. (That's another story for another time.)

One day on Discord I wound up talking to someone with DID and tentatively asked if there was a way I had "half DID" and they suggested looking up OSDD. I did, and I almost cried with relief. Everything was checking out. I was able to find answers to my questions.

I fell down a rabbit hole of reading articles and listening to psychologists break down what DID and OSDD were, and watching Youtube videos about people with the disorder. Things started to make sense. I could look back at my childhood and find the moment where Exe was first formed, where she fronted for well over a year and completely locked me out, followed by Julia doing the same thing to both of us the year after that as we struggled to cope.

I did experience amnesia back then, so when they went dormant and I got frontstuck, I didn't feel like anything was off and went about living my life until Exe practically exploded out of dormancy and back into the front space.

Simply existing is still a massive struggle, but we've come SO far since then. Writing this down has made me see that.