#i didn't proof read this anymore because I know if i did I'd back out

[dukeoftheblackstar]

Somewhere Only We Know

Summary: Plo Koon has an old book called ‘The Galactic Family; A Collection of Beautiful Faces’ that features numerous species blessed with physicalities. Reader/OC is born of the planet called Celestia which is inhabited by ethereal sight for sore-eyes. While they feature and exalt you as an upper echelon of beauty and grace, you vehemently plot against the author who Plo had once confided in you as someone who seems to have captivated his heart — a bully who had taunted him and riled others to make fun of Kel Dors and Plo as a youngling. You kept your friendship with Plo and though your heart bleeds for him, as it beats only for him, you decide to yet again express your desire to act in spite and avenge your most favorite Kel Dor in the galaxy. Only to be reminded of something else.

Pairing: Plo Koon / OC/Reader (idk how this works — sorry!)

Word Count: 3.6k

Rating: (no smut) Maybe sad-turned-happy vibes? Idk

Notes: - Peaching (headcanon) is a form of encouraged relations by the people and law of Celestia that allows you to be in a consensual 'exchange' with no attachment. Essentially, a gatepass to fuck, be intimate with, be flirty with, be touchy with, or be with someone bound or unbound given that all parties are in agreement and consents. (will get detailed on this if I ever decide to dish out wips from ancient time) - Chrysanthemums are my most favorite flower ♥ A yellow chrysanthemum blossom signifies neglected love or sorrow. A white chrysanthemum is a symbol of loyalty and devoted love. - OC/Reader is a bounty hunter with natborn silver irises and is an unhinged bitch who is overprotective of Plo Koon and will fight everyone for him. (It's me, really. I'm just wildin') - OC/Reader Reference Image https://www.instagram.com/p/CfJ891cJVpG/

Color thingies because I'm deranged to not use them: Orange: Plo Koon Pink: You/OC/Reader Blue: Memory Purple: Me, because I have no self-control to self-insert myself whenever Plo and Kel Dors are mentioned. I'm sorry >:

Perfect divider by @idontgetanysleep with itty, bitty, cutie-patootie Plo Koon face ♥

“Just say the word, P. It’s on the house.”

You didn’t really need his permission let alone reveal any involvement should you decide to act on ‘it’. You’ve had her as a client before and the transaction wasn’t as pretty as her face — it was vile, filthy, and a cheapshot at an innocent target who happens to share attention from a prospective boyfriend. Yes, a prospective boyfriend who clearly has no intention of breaking off an engagement with the poor, unfortunate soul, you have removed from a certain narrative.

A sickening chronicle in ‘her’ life as if her claim takes precedence over anything factual. Hadn’t you been in such a rut with bounties, you would’ve never taken the job. But you did and it kept food on the table, a nice roof on your head for a short while, and got a beaut of a decent ship to cruise around in. 

It’s never honest work, the killing part; but it's honest enough to be on paper and get you lined up with a few more bounties to get by. A couple of tracking fobs in turn of a good night’s sleep, a proper soak, and a treat to buy essentials and non-essentials. Essentials being food, fuel, repair and maintenance, pieces to fortify the little armor you have on because clearly, you need to flaunt to flex — that, and the fact that Celestians are vain by nature. Considering you age similar to Kel Dors, if you ain’t keeping that pretty face and body on point, you might as well off yourself for being a disgraced child of Celestia.

As for non-essentials that border the essentials category, an assortment of powdered fruit tea from your recent trip to Dorin. 

Plo would chuckle, always that — never to confirm, never to deny, always enigmatic over the idea of vengeance. Though it may be an obvious answer with him being a Master Jedi and a Baran Do Sage, valuing life and shit, you couldn’t help but wonder if it’s because he truly still admires her and the memory of feeling ‘it’ for the first time is so strong that it has indeed withstood the test of time. It was either that or he’s in one of those moods where he’s psycho-bullshitting you to reflect and turn to the light — what an absolute devout to the force Plo Koon is, aka force-dweeb ; i.e whore only to the force.

Awestruck if that was the case but also a very disheartening concept. Then again, who were you talk? Wasn’t it your own volition to always tag along and linger in sparring fields and dojos while father met with the Jedis, handing vital information privy only to the Republic? Wasn’t it in your own accord to walk up to this rust-toned sentient because you had that undying need to pull on his mask and kiss him? Maybe not kiss him yet at time, but you’re quite the unhinged individual who would happily die to quelch the inquisitions in your head and kissing was a Celestian tradition to mark. All’s fair, right?

You just wanted to touch him, his face — eyes that had those black ‘thingies’ that made you wonder what color his irises were while the burgeoning need to unmask the lower chamber of his face grew with each passing second; more so when he started to speak.

Not much has actually changed apart from him — now a towering old man with more grace, reverence, importance, patience, strength, and other things that you’d like to unravel. Dirty as that sounds, who can blame you? 

Have you seen the build on his chest and shoulders? Have you not heard the thunderous rumble of his godly voice that makes you want to drop on your knees and worship that impeccable form of his? — That makes you want to shamelessly surrender to the domineering, magnetic, regal of an enchantment that has imprisoned your heart, mind, and soul to be his devout little bitch? 

Have you not, even for a second, want to burn through the fiery embers of his soul and lose yourself into the intoxicating dream of sifting through the intricacies of his intelligence and wisdom? To drown in answers and queries that would have you begging like a desperate whore to tell you more? More of that three-hundred year-old archive of knowledge that just swims in his head so invitingly like the cold lakes of home on a hot summer day? Have you not, even for a second, thirsted to the enigma that is Plo Koon and his privacy? Have you not sinfully starved for someone’s coc—-

“Tea?”

He could read your mind and throw you out; dismiss or reprimand you for being such an obvious simp for him, but he doesn’t — doesn’t always at least. Doesn’t invade your thoughts unless it’s one of those days when you were so rattled from a hunt that you didn’t even know how you ended up at his place; why you, a clean-freak, has yet to wash the blood over skin so smooth you whine over the tiniest of scratches and smudge.

“I can sense the evident thirst “be” at peak today, dearest.”

Did I mention that though he does not invade your thoughts without necessity, he’s also a little shit Kel Dor prick? That he’s the humblest of all humbles but has a side to him that makes you want to strangle him in his sleep and ride his brains back to when he’s an itty, bitty, egg and make omelet for breakfast? 

“Yes, babylove. The thirst ‘be’ insanely high today. I mean, did I ever tell you how kriffin’ hot you look in those Jedi robes? I mean the browns and the beige just screams BDE!!! I could just.. Unf.”

You bit your lip to taunt, whether it was to set the familiar banter at play from a mere satirical retort or a guise because ‘he really do be looking fine in them robes’, it’ll be one of the many unspoken understanding and mystery that the two of you seem to dodge.

“BDE? I’m not certain I’ve heard of that before.”

“Big Dorin Energy.” Came your reply — one as abrupt as you had brought the cup to drink so painstakingly slow in hopes of boring him enough to move on.

“Mm.”

“What?” 

Did I also tell you how oppressive Plo Koon’s silent treatment can be? No, well okay. It is.

“Whaaaat?”

“...”

Not a crease on his brow area, neither a shift from his demeanor came about apart from him attaching a metallic, contractible straw to his mask with a soft click before taking a sip from his cup. 

“Ugh. Fine. It’s Big Dick Energy, okay? Are you happy? You’re such an old man, Plo.” 

You always say this and without fail, it drives you so far up the wall you’d be at the same level as Plo — or taller. And as much as it elicits illicit thoughts, seeing yourself more drawn to finely seasoned men, Plo always gave the same response. The same ‘Indeed I am” that teeters between melancholy, amusement and pride. 

Stars, he’s so kriffin’ cute.

“Very much so, my dear. The quest for knowledge never ceases.”

Cute and a disgustingly adorable dweeb. I love him so much and I’m sure you do too.

After a couple more exchange of pleasantries, you’ve found yourself rambling on about the strife of a recent hunt where you’ve procured a bad sprain that had somewhat permanently altered your balance. How you nearly fell off after a grapple-pull mishap because of a calculated step that failed due to said injury. 

You went on about how it cut the payment since you weren’t able to deliver the target on time. He’d have asked a million questions too that riled you up to the point of completely forgetting your purpose of visit — your constant ‘let it be me’ visit that never seems to progress because of that stupid book tucked under his stupid bed that this stupid bitch gave him some stupid centuries ago. 

“All you have to say is leave her alone, Plo. And I will.” 

You cut the story short and as much as you’d expect him to be surprised that you had caught on, he wasn’t. He knew you would break free from the trance of having someone so keenly interested in your non-Jedi approved activities; namely bounty hunting and escapades — you do this thing where you commit theft for a hot minute and leave payment with a little extra at the most  obvious place they wouldn’t look until they’ve simmered down to notice a note you’ve left. Funny that he doesn’t scold you for this but tells tales of how Dorin will treat this behavior differently. You can tell he loves a bit of mischief as long as you return to the proper action — then again, this petty theft of a mischievous act is punishable by death in Kel Dor standards; so maybe, no?

“Celestians are on page 9.” 

Vanity betrays you by blood and nature. You wanted to smack him for saying that but you also want to smack (smooch) him for saying that. It’s not like you didn’t have a copy of the infamous book, but it’s so badly worn from testing a plethora of melee weapons on it, the numerous holes and soot makes any of the text unreadable and the photos indiscernible. You had copies of it too, memorized the entire book looking for any praise for Kel Dors and found not a single word of mention even. 

The Galactic Family; A Collection of Beautiful Faces — in which enumerates and highlights a selection of upper echelon species that included yours in the most exalted tier. Your kind were the most ethereal species on the planet; silver irises, short fangs that elongate during ‘peaching and mating seasons’, skin deathly pale, smooth, and soft; blood translucent and voices a potent concoction of sweet, sultry, and heavenly with that right dabble of filth.

[ Art / Comic by @exosorcery ♥ ]

You hated that book. Abhorred it to an unhealthy extent that you were but a push away from writing your own book and raining hell on her specifically, but you know within yourself that Celestians are not allowed to interfere — which is essentially why, though you do not need his permission and can actually act upon it deny involvement with a help of the top bounty hunter in the galaxy who you’d happen to be in the good graces of, it just didn’t seem right. You know in your hearts of hearts that Plo will be very disappointed and quiet about it.

[ Art / Comic by @exosorcery ♥ ]

“I know. My brother and I are in it. He had said yes before consulting me and it was too late for me to back out when I knew who wrote it. Did you ask because you know I’d never dare "read" that shit?”

[ Art / Comic by @exosorcery ♥ ]

“I asked because you have something of mine.” 

“Of yours?”

And it was indeed some Jedi mind trick because of the centuries and numerous copies you’ve annihilated "without ever once reading" the contents of that book, there you sat frivolously sifting through pages and scanning the photo of yourself with a crystalized necklace of a white moth.

Your hand instinctively went to your chest, cupping the pendant that had kept your heart steady and your mind clear since the day you decided to hunt that stupid moth that landed on his stupid face while he was meditating.

I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

A sense of warmth engulfs you in that moment of recollection; how he had blamed you for scaring the moth away after his master did the same prior. How his little balled up fists were on his side and the creases of his face were so drawn down that you laughed so hard you fell back clutching your stomach. How you saw him ‘frown’ behind his masked face and turned quietly to walk away.

I felt the earth beneath my feet

[ Art by @veny-many ♥ ]

How in that moment you swore nothing would ever matter more than for his stupid face to never ever crease into that stupid frown. How in that moment, his little ‘Please don’t do that — it really hurts,” made you need nothing or no one else than this beautiful sentient before you who chose to meditate alone because the other shit-pricks were making fun of how he looks.

I came across a fallen tree

You recall how you didn’t even apologize. How you ran up to him and put on that equally stupid face you do with father when you didn’t want him to leave so you could play with him or have him take you to some off-world planet to pick and study flowers to tend to your insatiable need need to adorn your room with so many flower crowns it’s become hazardous in itself. 

And before you could say anything, before you could rip off that stupid page in that stupid book that has your stupid face and that stupid pendant that you’ve worn for centuries as you both kept by each other’s side and comfort, something heavy weighs on the page.

I felt the branches of it looking at me

A chrysanthemum pair — entwined of one yellow and one white; withered, but you know it to be so. You know not only by heart and by the memory of you breaking the knots of your self-made flower crown that adorned your pretty little presence on that fateful day, having to vehemently rummage and pull from the assortment to find the ‘perfect’ one for the stupid frown on his stupid face.

Is this the place we used to love?

You know not only by the nostalgic drop of flowers between your silver irises that pooled at the thought of hurting the stupid-faced sad boy meditating by his lonesome and the young Kel Dor that had his fists balled ready to push or strike — to alleviate himself of any pain and hurt that deeply wounded him that day but chose not to. 

Your brothers did that — pushed and yelled out of irritation, shoved you a little too hard sometimes but eventually came around. But Plo didn’t — he didn’t yell or push you, didn’t run off or threaten you, didn’t even do anything but ask so politely; asked so kindly as if he would break into as many as the stars above and it frightened you. 

To be young and alone, to be so far from home, to be so far from mother and father and even your siblings; to having to go back inside a place you could hardly call ‘home’. To do nothing but train, clean, meditate, and study; to not be able to play with people of your kind, to not be able to run to father or mother when you’ve tripped and get tight hugs and forehead kisses; to not be able to snuggle up and build forts with silly brothers, steal snacks from the kitchen and tell tales of horrific stories and gossip until you all fall asleep, only to wake up between mother and father.

It frightened you so much that you felt ‘it’. Whatever ‘it’ was, you felt it. You felt ‘it’ radiate from him in such an alarming wave that it had rendered you speechless with hands quivering between two stupid chrysanthemum flowers pulled from your crown of glory. It frightened you that something had made you frantically drop to your knees and fuss about which color, which flower to give him as if the thread of the galaxy’s hold would break if you didn’t do ‘it’ right — whatever ‘it’ was.

The grip on the pendant tightens and you could feel your jaw clench only before you were made aware of the tears that had betrayed you for quite a while now. The taste of horrid saline that had taken a detour from your cheeks and down to your lips; a grim reminder that you have yet again bore yourself to Plo when you've promised countless times never to do so. 

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Jedi kriffing mindtrick. 

And if you have a minute, why don't we go Talk about it somewhere only we know?

Part of you wanted him to look, maybe lean over and brush the tears off your cheeks; to take that stupid mask off for a brief second and kiss you just as how you had hoped for when you first saw him. But you know he couldn’t —for so many goddamn reasons. And it’s okay, it really is. He could press his mask on your cheek though, right? Right? Right, Plo?

“Big dick energy indeed, you prick.”

Your voice broke and so did you face as you shamelessly sobbed onto palms that only did very little to hide everything; the sniffles, the whimpers, the brewing gasps of air as you tried your best to stifle it all at once. But of course you fail massively, it was not even an option to begin with. He carried so much power and reverence that if he had decided to open that hidden script between just the two of you, you’ll crumble so far into the depths of all these repressed dreams and emotions that you'd drag him with you. 

This could be the end of everything

And so it remains just that; a hidden script in the narrative that is you and Plo Koon. The same script that loomed when drinks were shared, stories laughed over, and tears shed over just about anything. The same hidden script that will always thicken the air with the purest form of love — if he would allow ‘it’ to be called just that. 

But even that would remain as enigmatic as Plo Koon — and so it shall be as it always has been; a hidden script that is you and Plo Koon; the narrative that has spanned centuries and will weave more.

He would only turn his back to you, remorsefully. Give you privacy and company at the same time like the stupid conundrum that he is; leave if you want me to cry in peace, you’d think to yourself — but stay so I can.

So, why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Tears drip past the barrier of your palms and onto the page that kept the withered pair as if it would somehow unearth the once vibrant colors that bridged the paleness of your small hand with his rust-toned talons many centuries ago. That somehow it would caress your bleeding heart with the memory of his stupid smile plastered on his stupid face when he said “It’s okay. There’s more moths here, come on.”

[ Art by @veny-many ♥ ] {any excuse to use these baby Kel Dors kids}

Sat by the river and it made me complete Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on So, tell me when you're gonna let me in

That somehow these insignificant droplets would relive the careful touch of his clawed hand over your soft, small palm as he dragged you past the bushes he hid behind and into this expanse of a lake full of fireflies and moths and flowers and fishes and him, and his smile, and his touch, and his face, and his warmth, and his presence, and his —.

“Do you understand now?”

Somewhere only we know

Drenched palms erratically ran through evenly drenched cheeks to dry them off. Eyes puffed and nose a shy tone of red as you continued to sniffle and curse inwardly as to why he still hasn’t offered you a box of tissues. But it’s there though, the box of tissues — so very close to your side of the table when it usually is at the center. 

What a babe, right? Inconspicuous babe and his inconspicuous gentlemanly ways.

You took a few pulls and gently dabbed your face. Took another few more pulls and before you could dab them onto the page that held the embodiment of your love, loyalty, friendship, and promise of forever, you heard him cut you before you were even half-way down.

“Don’t.” 

I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on

You turn to look at him, watching him ease back into a reclined manner — his face still in the direction of the empty space before him; but you know. You know that at the corners of those black ‘thingies’ over his eyes are those beautiful silver irises that matched yours. You know that in the tenderness of his voice would be the same yearning that not a single word would ever be enough to describe. That in the manner of which his shoulder would sag and his head would meet the rest of his couch that ‘it’ is here; that ‘it’ is here with you. That ‘it’ is neither about the book or anything else; that ‘it’ is but here, anywhere, everywhere with you.

That ‘it’ is the fact that you have something of his and he has something of yours. That ‘it’ has always been the same ‘it’ from the day that you broke his tiny, young heart and mended it so swiftly and gently that ‘it’ has stayed with him over centuries as so did ‘it’ with you.

That ‘it’ is indeed what you think it is if you’ve gotten this far. That ‘it’ is indeed ‘home’ — a place that only you and him knows. 

“You’re such a sappy old man, Plo. I’ll see you again soon, okay?” 

You say, closing the book and carefully resting it on the caf table. You grunt and sniffle, groaning as you stretched and tapped your ankles together as if to activate the thrusters and wait for command. By the window, your usual preference of entry, you took a deep breath and ran fingers delicate over your bare crown down to the length of your hair. 

This could be the end of everything

“In the meantime, please allow me to use this as a reason to extract you from your duties, my sweet. Your company is always appreciated.” 

Plo collects the book almost protectively and sets it on his lap, palming the cover as he finally turns to address your departure. 

So, why don't we go somewhere only we know?

“Kriffin’ dweeb. Just say I love you next time. Easier on the tongue.”

And as you take your flight, you hear him among the blanketed skies, just when you’re far enough and too lazy to turn, you hear him, 

Somewhere only we know

“Only if you say it first.”

Somewhere only we know

~ Fin.

If you made it this far, thank you and I love you. I hope reading this isn't time wasted. Also, drink some water and remember how valued you are and how nothing will be as magnificent as they are if you weren't here. ♥

~ Duch ♥

[insomaniacat]

orv spoilers

tbh I'm so happy there is no explicit romance in orv (minus the brief stuff that happens with jhw and lhs) and because of that I feel like I've been able to appreciate kdj in such a profound way as a character

like sure i like joongdok and yoohankim but to me at least kdj has this level of asexuality to him that I don't usually associate him with anyone that romantically. And their relationships are still as complex and has such a great depth that they are like THE foundest of families and I can return to the kim dokja company at the end of the day as all of them being my comfort characters. you know that saying like 'i love you so much i'd make the world burn for you'? it's meant to be this dramatic line about how much you love someone (romantically), but kdj's company fully encapsulates this in a platonic way that just isn't cringey or anything like that

they are all so platonic but they love each other to such an unconditional way that they ALL decide to relive through all the scenarios again in the hope of finding kim dokja again. and later, they all help to write and spread a story - stories, the thing the reader loves - again, in hopes of bringing kdj back home. they aren't sure if it'll work, but it is through this love they all have that they don't give up and put their hope in this seemingly impossible method

and this is also what makes them fundamentally different from kdj. unlike kim dokja in the apocalypse, they do not have any sort of proof their methods will work. kdj has twsa - the novel he grew up reading, the novel he fantasized living in, the novel that he's spent 13 years following, learning every nook and cranny and probably even planning out his own way to survive the apocalypse from this lengthy novel. he has some sort of assurance his methods will work, with the amount of time hsy put into describing the settings (remember that twsa was not popular and one of the complaints was that tls123 put too much emphasis on the settings that deterred people from reading it, when really, that too was a way to ensure kdj survived the apocalypse later on). he has had time to reassure himself and plan for it, and probably had yjh case test them all

but kdj's company had no assurance - they did not grow up with a book that confirmed their methods of bringing kdj back would work. they did not have any 'third plans', no 'ressurections', no 'restarts', that kdj had in the apocalypse. all they had was their own hope - something kdj didn't have when he was fifteen sitting in that hospital bed after that failed suicide attempt, feeling like the whole world was against him. Until he searched up those three words on his phone. Those three words that were probably 'Ways of Survival'.

And then he found his hope in twsa. he found his hope in yjh, the protagonist made just for him. he found hope in the story that he believed in for the next thirteen years. the story that got him through high school, the CSATs, the military. his hope was in this tangible book that carried him through the apocalypse.

kdj's company had none of that. they only had their hope in kim dokja - the man they survived the scenarios with. they could only put their hope in their memories of surviving with the man that saved them, even though there was no evidence he lived in their world anymore. they had to put their hope in the fact that they remembered he existed, even though they had to acknowledge that they didn't know everything about him.

sing shong touches upon this idea a lot throughout orv - does something really exist if no one knows about it? or, in a more modern saying, did a fallen tree in a forest really fall if no one heard it? what proves the existence of something? what proves that something truly happened? sing shong seems to make it pretty clear that the existence of something can be represented metaphorically like a 'story', and stories need a 'reader', some sort of spectator that witnesses it, for the 'story' to exist.

for kim dokja, his final sacrifice, where he split into infinite little pieces scattered across the universe, was to ensure that everything existed. that open ending, as tragic as it was, was meant to be comforting. that his sacrifice was supposed to be so existences like you and me, are real. no matter how lonely we may feel throughout our lives, a metaphorical 'kim dokja' is looking at our own stories, spectating our own stories, even living our own lives himself.

and what i hate to say sometimes is that kim dokja is not really a character - he is an idea. he is an idea of some being affirming our lives, that it's real, that what we do from day to day, even something as simple as getting up in the mornings and brushing your teeth, or thumbing through a store catalog, matters. and this is why kim dokja sacrificed himself. for all the stories that may have not 'existed' if no one was watching it.

and it's out of love. this tragic, terrible love for the world, that eats away at yourself until you are nothing. but at least you exist.

[bingbongsupremacy]

Only Her

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Reader

Warning: Cursing

Summary: Steve doesn't look at you the same way he looks at Nancy. Does he really love you?

*Not Proof Read*

□□□□□□□□

I let out a happy cheer as I finally landed a ping pong ball in one of the many red solo cups stretched across Jason's pool table. " Steve I got one in- " I turn to look at him with a grin.

My smile begins to fade when I catches where his gaze is. His eyes are plastered onto a couple in the corner. Nancy takes a sip from her cup, her eyes not leaving Jonathan's face. She doesn't even know Steve's looking at her.

An all too familiar feeling tugs at my heart.

Nothing I do will ever make him look at me the same way he looks at her.

" What? " Steve hums while finally turning to look at me.

An internal battle begins to wrack my mind. I'll loose him if I say anyhing.

He was never mine in the first place. He doesn't really love me. His words are always empty. When he smiles at me it never reaches his eyes. No the same way it does when he looks at Nancy.

" I can't do this anymore. " I finally break.

Steve's brows furrow in confusion. " What are you talking about? If you don't want to play beer pong we can do something else-"

I shake my head. He doesn't understand. I gently tug his arm to a more secluded part of the living room. My heart pounds. " Us Steve. I can't do us anymore. " I gesture in between the two of us.

Steve's eyes widen. " What? Why? "

My eyes wander towards the other side of the room. Nancy smiles at Jonathan and and laughs at something he says. " I know you're still in love with Nancy. "

Steve's jaw tightens. " I'm not- "

" Just stop Steve. Do you really think I'm that stupid? " My throat tightens. I try to maintain a calm composure to mask my heart falling apart. " Every time we're anywhere near Nancy you get these eyes. These lovestruck 'I'd do anything for her' eyes. It's like she's the only person you think about. You've never looked at me the way you look a her. Anyone who spends 5 minutes around you two can tell there's something there. " I don't know why I didn't do this earlier. In the back of my mind I've always known he's still in love with her. I had hoped it'd go away. That he'd get over her and could love me the same way.

He hasn't.

Steve doesn't respond. Instead he looks down at the ground like he's sifting through memories.

" I'll never be enough for you. No matter how bad I want to pretend I can be. You'll never see me the same way you see her. I can't sacrifice myself for you anymore, Steve. And you need to work out your shit with Nancy. " I let out a shaky breath. " I feel like you're trying to replace her by using me and I'm tired of being a rebound. "

Steve finally look at me. " I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize what I was doing. I didn't know I was affecting you like this. " He lets out a sigh. " You're right, I'm not over Nancy. And I'm so sorry for doing this to you-for not giving you what you deserve. "

Part of me had hoped he'd deny everything. That he'd fight and say it was all some sort of misunderstanding. That he'd promise to do better and tell me he loved me.

It's a delusion.

The reality is, Steve's still in love with Nancy. His I love you's sounded empty because they were. How can he love me when his heart is occupied by someone else?

I never had him and I never will.

" I'm sorry. " His dark eyes look into mine. His eyes glimmer from the lights. I love his eyes.

My heart aches as reality sets in. He's not going to fight for me. The same way he's stuck on Nancy I know I'll be stuck on him.

I let this go to far. I saw the signs early on. Why did I deny everything? It all came to bite me in the ass in the end.

" I'm gonna head out. " I swallow harshly, trying to keep tears from falling down my cheeks. The air around me feels thick and suffocating. I need to get away from him.

" I'll take you home. " Steve goes to pull his keys out from his jacket.

I shake my head. " I'll walk. "

Steve protests. " There's no way I'm letting you walk out there alone. Look, I might not be able to love you the way you need, but I still care about yo- "

" I don't want a ride. I'm going home and you...you do whatever you want. Look, I care about you but I can't stand being around you right now. I need you to respect that. Please. " I practically beg.

Steve looks torn. He doesn't argue. He shoves hi keys back in his jacket. " I'm sorry. "

I send him a strained smile. " Me too. "

I turn around and begin to make my way out of the house. The music from the house begins to fade as I get further and further away. On the contrary, my heart begins to tear more with every step.

This had to be done.

So why does it feel so shitty?

[callmelyc]

Lances ex was terrible

He was the kind of ex that was really full of themselves, cruel, didn't like Lance spending too much time with anyone else (not that his ex girlfriends were any better).

So when they finally broke up everyone rejoiced. The demon had been slain!

Until...he came to get his shit out of Lances apartment because not only did he take his shitty wardrobe he also stole Lances precious baby blue!

His beautiful baby, his sweet meow meow, his darling princess.

But because Lance had no proof the asshat got off scott-free!

He'd cried for hours not knowing what to do and his stupid ex blocked him so Lance couldn't even attempt to beg for his cat daughter back. So he did what anyone would do, he complained online.

The comments flooded with people trying to come up with ideas until one stood out. Some guy with a photo of a motorcycle asking what this ex looks like.

Lance sniffled sending pictures in the replies and waited. He wasn't sure why anyone would want a picture but maybe the guy wanted it so he could keep an eye out? The reply didn't take long at all and it only baffled Lance further.

The guy, Keith K, responded in seconds "dw I can handle this."

Before Lance could even question anything Keiths status had switched to offline leaving Lance to read through other comments as possible solutions.

~•~

At 1am Lances phone lights up with a call. Now, normally Lance would ignore these, who responds to random calls especially at 1am?

But he looks down and it's the same name of the guy from earlier, Keith K. Lance will admit first a foremost he doesn't always think things through and come on now, he was curious to know how this guy got his number at all.

So lance picks up, groggy with sleep "hello??"

"I got ur cat back, do you wanna meet up for her or would you like to wait until later?"

That got lances attention. Now more awake he scrambles to get dressed "are you sure? Like ur sure it's my cat?"

"your name and number are on the collar"

"Where do you wanna meet?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that? I am the stranger."

"Yeah but ur a stranger that apparently saved my darling daughter!?"

Lance hears a small laugh on the other side of the line "I'll shoot you my location?"

"Sounds good to me."

The second the call ends Lance receives directions to a place 15min out and a picture of blue safe in a cat carrier. He's more than relieved to both see her and have proof this wasn't a dream, though he is still weary.

He shoots off a text to Hunk and Pidge with his location/tracking on in case something went wrong and Lance rushes out the door to go meet this stranger. They'll likely wonder what he's up to at this hour, maybe even spam call him in worry. However, Lance doesn't have the patience right now now when his baby is in some randos hands.

Pulling up to the 24hr McDonald's he doesn't even care that he's meeting a stranger anymore the second he sees his baby blue through the window. Lance rushes inside and the second she spots him she paws at the carrier door with a sweet little meow. He's cooing over her and letting her out to make sure she's safe when he finally looks up to see her knight in shining armor.

And wow....this guy is hot.

Dark hair, deep eyes, leather jacket and gloves.

Dude looks straight out of a Harley magazine despite the beat up pick-up in the parking lot Lance is positive belongs to him.

As blue snuggles into Lances hold he looks at Keith with the first genuine smile he's had in days "thank you, I-I don't even know what to say? I can't thank you enough how on earth did you manage this?"

Keith just gestures for lance to sit down across from him, so he does, and smiles "I have my ways."

Oh? Well Lance has to know now "go on share the deets. I can offer you whatever you want off the menu as payment."

The other man snorts "it's fine I'll share without pay...This time."

"Oh? How generous of you."

Keith leans forward on the table "your ex was already on dating apps. I pretended I'd take him on a good date and went home with him. The second he left to get pretty for me I took the cat and ran, he's a douche."

That...what not at all what Lance expected to hear. His jaw was on the floor. He laughed in surprised awe "you...you got my cat back by luring him into false security??"

Keith's brow lifts "what like it's hard? He's the one that fell for it and got uno reverse robbed. I don't know what you saw in him."

That only gets lance to laugh harder "yeah, I don't either."

They spend the rest of the early morning chatting and eventually exchanging phone numbers.

On the way out Keith stops him though "actually, I changed my mind I do want payment."

"Oh yeah? Like what"

He smiles "how about a date?"

Lance is left breathless in the light of the rising sun "you won't be robbing me now, will you?"

"and if I say I am?"

"what do you aim to steal from me mr.criminal?"

Keith leans in just slightly "your heart? If things go well."

Lance gives him a quick peck on the cheek "yeah, yeah I can do that."

No one believes Lance when he says he got a new boyfriend because the guy stole his cat back from his ex.

[timmyscomputer]

I Pinky Promise

Chris Sturniolo x reader

Summary:reader and Chris have a weird but enjoyable night or day?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Chris POV)

As I'm playing Fortnite with Matt and Nate.

I noticed I was kind of hungry so I reached for my snack I realized I was all out while I was looking I didn't realize Nate killed me

"NATE WHAT THE FU-"I'm cut off as my door opens I look to see a confused y/n

"Sorry I didn't realize I was being loud" I

Let out quickly. "Oh that's not what I came in here for", she said. "Okay, then why did you?" I asked while turning my chair towards her. "Because I'm gonna go home so I wanted to say bye" "What you're leaving now" "Yes I have work tomorrow and I want to be there on time"

"Baby please stay," I say while I hold out my hands with the best puppy eyes I can muster. "Sorry bubs I gotta go but I'll see you tomorrow after work I promise" Pinky promise," I say while holding out my pinky.

"Pinky promise," she said while interlocking Pinky's. She turned around to leave before quickly turning back and kissing me then she left. I turned back around to continue playing when I put back on my headphones "Mwah mwah oh please stay y/nnnnnn" "Yeah I just love you so much" "Oh fuck off".

~~~~~~ TIME SKIP ~~~~~~

(Y/N POV)

2:15 am

My clock stared at me I just couldn't sleep

I've tried for like three hours now and I just can't so I decided to get up and go to the store as I'm getting ready I decide to go to Chris's and see if he wants to join me too. As I'm heading downstairs my phone rings weird. (that's hella suspicious 🤨)

I pick it up it's my boss "Hey is something wrong?" "Uhm yes my husband just had a heart attack so I'm just calling to say I'm not opening the store tomorrow" "Oh my are you ok uhm thanks for letting me know I hope he is doing ok" "he seems to be doing ok" "that's fantastic I hope he ends up okay" "me too sorry to call you so late" " no it's fine I'll see you next week"

"See you next week bye" "Bye," I say while hanging up that's just terrible I think.

As I arrive at Chris's I knock and Nick answers the door looking confused "Uh hi" "Hey I know I left a while ago but I don't have work so is Chris awake?" "I think Idk can check" "ok bye" As I walk into Chris's room I notice him on his bed scrolling on tik tok I assume "Hey baby" He greets me "Hi bubs" "I thought you had work" " I don't anymore wanna go to the gas station with me?" "Sure I'd love to let me get my shoes" As were walking to the gas station holding hands and making random

Conversation. I notice a random guy staring at us but I ignore it entering the gas station we go to the candy section grabbing a bunch of different kinds we also grab two Pepsi and head to check out. We're walking home now laughing and acting like kids enjoying the moment.

Once we finally make it back we snuggle onto his bed watching a movie and eating a bunch of junk food we eventually pass

Out.

^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×^×

Ok so this is kinda bad but in order to get better you got keep writing I'm so fuckin tired didn't force my sister to proof read this one it's late I worked on this for like two hours I love you so much goodnight

[fuckhouse2theelectricboogaloo]

i was going to send this to crispyrepellent but they have anon off and I really do not want to out myself as the person behind crystallinebulwark (not to mention I've had about enough and my mental health actually cannot take it anymore considering everyone wants to drag stols through the mud so ive deactivated knowing that the important stuff has been reblogged by others but that's not why im here)

i'm here because there's something i privately told soy that really upsets me and i think its time i said something regarding shep and the behavior they like to pull.

shep has been going about claiming that someone has been rping a minor muse in nsfw situations and said that they actually admitted to it without any proof. now i dont want to put their URL out there for the sake of not wanting to send attention towards that person, but id like to state that i did ask shep if they had proof if it was a minor character or if they were told directly and while they said yes, shep never provided actual screenshots when asked to do so.

in my year or so of knowing shep, they actively trash talked anyone they didn't like to such an extreme degree that they mocked them if they were no longer on tumblr, claiming "they won" and the like. they often spoke with much malice whenever upset, be it with me for simple mistakes I've made (forgetting tone indicators) or about others for this that and the other.

also i'd like to note while im not 100% sure on this, a lot of people I spoke to regarding it believe that shep may have been fetishizing trans people regarding their yandere oc. however, i am not sure if this is the case or not or its on the borderline of it, but very often did i see that oc get sexualized quite a bit to an uncomfortable degree.

when i read the documents and the screenshots on both ends, i was appalled to see that soy was targeted for their character being antagonistic, and i actually spoke with someone else whos very familiar with earthbound and they told me that character is just like that.

shep and co was not being bullied, soy had their character acting as he would and that's that. shep and co took that as personal attacks despite it being ic, and even when soy dialed it back for them it still wasn't enough.

they bullied a minor. simple as that. and that very minor handled the fact they ganged up on them way better than i would've if i was in their place.

Posting as is and I genuinely hope you find peace and things get easier for you! Please take care of yourself.

[borderlinereminders]

I'd like to see more on what the symptoms of bpd actually are. Like, I know the rough idea and can infer a few from your coping strategies but I feel that more explicitly saying 'these are the official/listed symptoms and this is my experience with them' would help.

Burnout is hard, so I hope you take every day as it comes and use your personal self-care discord server, which is a really good idea by the way!!! I hope it gets better for you soon and have a nice? positive? better? good? relaxing? improving? peaceful? serene? awesome??? day.

Hi anon,

I don't actually relate to a lot of the symptoms any more, but I can share how I used to relate to them before making as much progress in recovery as I have.

Big disclaimer that a lot of the stuff I did in the past wasn't okay, and I am in no way saying that all people with BPD do things like I did or have done. Please don't use my bad choices in the past as any sort of "proof" to be ableist to those with BPD or other personality disorders. As was said in the anon's ask, these are my experience.

This is a long response, so putting it below the read more.

These are the "official" symptoms for BPD - but I also think a lot of information about BPD out there is outdated and inaccurate. I copy and pasted the wording of the bolded part from a web page about BPD.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment This one I used to experience a lot more, but I do still occasionally feel these thoughts creeping in (the worry that people will abandon me) but I no longer engage in reacting to those thoughts/feelings. For me, I'd be happy when I was with someone but I think due to a lack of emotional permanence, I used to be afraid people were going to leave me when they weren't near me. The second I wasn't around them, all the reassurance went away and I'd find myself panicking and doing things (not healthy things) to try and make sure they didn't leave. Ironically, these things usually ended up pushing this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I lost those people anyways as a result of sometimes toxic, and usually unhealthy behaviours.

Unstable relationships This isn't really the case for me anymore due to finding better coping mechanisms, but a lot of my relationships were unstable largely due to my efforts to avoid abandonment, but also due to me not being able to handle my emotions in a healthy way. People usually ended up having to put a lot of effort/energy into a friendship with me. I'm not saying it's wrong for friends to need to help you or things like that, but at this point in my life, I needed help all the time. And a lot of the things I needed help with weren't necessarily reasonable. I think I experienced a lot of "learned helplessness."

These relationships were often unstable for me as a result of my "splitting" as well. This was the switch between idealization to devaluation. Someone could be good, and perfect until they did something that I saw as "bad", or "wrong" or something like that and then they were "bad" and "terrible." While I still find that I experience splitting now, my coping mechanisms allow me to move through it more quickly and not let it impact how I act (because I always know deep down that it is temporary and reacting on it usually hurts both me and my loved one.)

Unclear or shifting self-image For me, I used to switch my hobbies and interests depending on the people I was most involved with at the time. I'd frequently go back and forth between thinking I'm a terrible person to feeling good about myself.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors My impulsive behaviours were usually to engage in self-harm, but also to say/do things on a spur of the moment due to emotions. For example, it might have been the way I lashed out and accused a friend of hating me and not caring (driving them away) because they hung out with another friend rather than stepping back to realize that it wasn't a justifiable response. What I needed was some time to look at the facts clearly before reacting.

Impulsive behaviours can also include things like substances, spending, sex, etc.

Self-harm I'm not going to get into specifics of this because I don't think it's necessary but I do want to say that sometimes self-harm behaviours aren't as obvious as you might think. For some people, doing a certain thing can be good for them but someone can also use that same behaviour in a self-harm way. Something doesn't have to be inherently harmful (like physically harming one's self) to be a self-harming behaviour. What really matters is your intent when engaging in the behaviour and how it makes you feel. (For example, someone may thrive off alone time, but someone else may isolate themselves as a way to harm themselves.)

Extreme emotional swings I experienced a lot of these due to a lack of emotional permanence. When I was happy, I was so happy and nothing could bring me down. But when I was sad, it was so crushingly sad and it was the only emotion that was real. It was the one true emotion and it was hard to understand that it wasn't forever because I couldn't recall any other emotions, even in memories.

Chronic feelings of emptiness I still experience this, though not as much. Usually in the winter months, or the time leading up to my time of month. Sometimes it's almost like feeling numb for me. it can feel like everything is "dark" in me or that there is a hole in me. Sometimes I'd do extreme things to try and "feel" and fill the hole, but nothing worked.

Explosive anger I've worked on this a lot, but I used to snap and lash out at people. I still feel the extreme anger, but what I've worked on is helping manage why it happens. For example. I used to get super angry when my friends didn't do the things I needed/wanted or didn't notice I was sad. This improved once I realized that it was unfair of me to expect them to be a mind reader, and even if someone wasn't able to help didn't mean they didn't care. I've worked a lot on myself. But often the explosive anger would lead me to self harm or engage in other impulsive behaviours.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality For me, this was feeling "outside" of my own body. Like I was watching my life happen to someone else, almost like a movie or a dream. (I struggle with this still now, mostly when I feel empty.)

[austim]

A Blog Update

Hi everyone, long time no say. Sorry this is a long one, but I haven't figured out a way to keep this post brief or summarized by bullet points, so I've bolded and italicized text here and there to make it easier to read.

As you may have seen in this post, my queue ran out because of how little time I've had to browse stimblr let alone properly tag and queue posts. Most of you also know I haven't been taking or completing requests for a long time either because I had lost interest or simply didn't have enough time.

Another reason I haven't completed or accepted new requests was the sheer backlog of requests I hadn't yet completed; this might sound silly, but all those incomplete requests made me feel bad about every request I received after that I *did* complete. Considering most of those requests are at least a year old at this point and I feel unable to move forward without doing them, I've wiped out the backlog altogether and deleted every ask in my inbox.

I want to take a moment to apologize to everyone who sent requests that I haven't completed; I'm sorry I let your sweet requests sit in my inbox untouched for ages. In the future, if/when I can reach the request output I had when I first started this blog, I'd love nothing more than to complete your request for you, whether it's the same as before or something new altogether.

You may have also noticed I've been radio silent regarding the current genocide in Palestine. I've refrained from being "political" on this blog and primarily reblog political posts to another, almost-as-popular sideblog, but as things only get worse and I get sent asks from desperate families every day, I don't think I can remain silent on this specific blog about it anymore. I had refrained from making any posts (including stim posts) about this before because I thought it might be in bad taste, but at this point I think it can only do good to use my most popular blog as a platform for this. I am sincerely sorry for not doing so before.

I made a very late stimboard here with links to various resources on actions anyone can take, both monetary and free, but I want to do more. I will be temporarily opening up requests with some conditions in hopes to encourage y'all to donate to campaigns and orgs, which I will make a detailed post about later. I'm hoping this will both help the numerous displaced Palestinian families find safety as well as steadily get me back to a place where I can make more stimboards again.

I will be temporarily replacing my pinned post with a post about these new requests.

TL;DR I am trying to be active again, I have wiped the request slate clean (sorry), and I will soon start taking requests for stimboards in exchange for proof of donations to help Palestine.

Thank you for reading, I hope you're all doing well <3

[optimistredsox]

1 Oct, BOS @ BAL, 6-1, win

Bit late, eh? Yeah, it turns out I needed longer to recover from the Tim Wakefield news than I realised. And, truth be told, I still haven't recovered from it. It sucked all desire to write about this weird season as a whole. To pick out points of interest and excitement from a year that occasionally had promise but failed to live up to that promise. A team I nicknamed the Scrappy Rollercoasters before the injury-plagued rotation sucked out their scrap and the Rollercoaster never really stopped plummeting, especially after the departure of Chaim Bloom. How can I dwell on all that shit when all of the sudden Tim Wakefield isn't there anymore? I must've read every tribute and obit. I haven't been able to put the movie "Knuckleball" on because I'm worried it'll make me cry too much. Chad Finn at the Globe, as usual, wrote a brilliant piece imploring the Red Sox to retire Wake's number. I cast my mind back remembered his strong start in his last season whilst he was chasing his 200th win, only to stumble on the cusp. I remember how awesome it was when that knuckleball was 'on' - how fast he worked and how efficient he was. How he looked like a sad puppy when it didn't work, because there really wasn't anything he could do about it. It's a pitch from another era. That it exists in the modern world is a marvel and that such a nice and kind man wielded it as, more often than not, a tool for victory was a delight. I didn't believe the news when I first saw it. I didn't even know he was sick. I missed that bombshell coming out. It was harvest and I was making wine. Would it have made any difference if I'd had that day's notice? Or would it be worse, to have barely processed the news he was sick to then have to deal with the news he'd succumbed to that sickness and died? I've lost quite a few people over the last few years. I find it easier to articulate those feelings with regards to a kind baseball player I never met than with those that are gone that I knew.

Anyway. 2023 Red Sox. They won their last game of the year, which is great. That they "did it for Wake" feels a little weird but whatever worked for them. As much as the question is on who runs the Red Sox front office next year, I feel the real question is whether the ownership works out what they want from the team next year. They don't behave like an ownership terribly keen on continuing to own a baseball team. Which is frustrating because they have a manager who did everything in his power to get them through those tough spots this season. Cora does not get enough credit. The fact that he has detractors at all is proof that most Boston sports fans just want the world to burn rather than any actual success. But where do they go from here? Another losing season isn't on the cards. This ownership quite famously turns it around after, at most, two losing seasons. How they do it this time is anyone's guess.

Bright sides?

This team fought a lot this year. And the rookies like Jarren Duran (on loan from the Arakis Professional League) and Tristan Casas provided a great deal of fun.

Ugh thinking about Wake again. Might pipe up later once we know who's running the club. Until then, enjoy the playoffs and let's hope for a better 2024.

[magicalara]

So...2022 huh

It's time for Em's yearly letter to the blog where I talk about it since the new year's coming in about an hour and a half in my timezone. Prefacing this with a tw for talks of depression, anxiety, horrible friends, and no proof reading. Here is my word vomit and if you don't get to the end, happy new year everyone.

So 2022 was one of, if not the, worst year in my 19 years of living. It started off with the pressure of a class which if I didn't pass, would essentially mean I couldn't go to college, and is ending with me having to walk on eggshells around people and feeling just...so anxious and depressed. Before I get into that, however, in order to save the people I want to specifically call out from having to hear about my depressing word vomit, I'm gonna mention them first.

So I can't make a new year's post without tagging my girl @pinktea99 who has been around for what feels like ever. I think it'll actually be two years of our friendship early next year I don't remember for sure, it might be three...time is fake it doesn't matter anyways. Between the amazing fanfictions you used to make that I still go back to every now and then and now just tagging me in posts you think I'd like, Mo you've been the biggest supporter I've had since I practically started posting real shit on this hellsite and I could not be more grateful. You're on of my biggest inspirations and I love and adore you so much. Let's go into 2023 with just as much happiness as you've given me in 2022 and even more. I love you so much, my dear 💜💚

Next up (and honestly the only other person I have to tag oops 💀) @docmartensanddietcoke my beloved. We've only been friends for a few months now but hot damn do I feel like we've known each other for years. We clicked so quickly and it kinda scared me at first but in such a good way??? Idk but you're amazing and so sweet and passionate and I just love talking to you so much. You've made me so excited about writing again after so long of being stuck in an endless loop of writer's block and just general insecurity that led to me not posting. I'm so happy I met you and I can't wait to see what 2023 brings us. Much love to you and thank you for showing me the pleasures (nudge nudge wink wink) of the pairing that is William T Spears and Mey-Rin 💜♥️💜

Okay so now the other stuff lol. So if you're one of the 20-30 some-odd people who started following me from seeing all the black butler bullshit I post, you wouldn't know but I used to be a kpop blog. I'm like 99% certain that I privated/deleted all of those posts though so yk hopefully y'all don't see that. I still reblog my nct loves because they are my ult group and I love them very much but I used to like only post about kpop. I had to switch because I just wasn't happy with it anymore. I had always envisioned myself as having a blog full of things I loved but after coming back from a break where I saw the fandoms I loved to interact with having gone to shit, I couldn't do it anymore. So I got rid of it all and rebranded 😃 It was honestly a really good decision though and I'm glad I did it because it reminded me of the reasons I started a tumblr account in the first place: to be happy.

For as creepy as certain sides of the black butler fandom may be, I've never felt so supported. Y'all are amazing and I still can't believe any of my posts got passed 50 notes let alone my top three all being just shy of or completely pass 100. All of the interaction is so appreciated and I can't wait to interact with you all more in the new year <33

With the good, though, comes the bad. So much of the last half of my senior year was full on unnecessary bullshit and drama and breakdowns. From the feeling of being stabbed in the back by people I thought I could trust, to being almost taken advantage of in my first wlw relationship, it just was not a great time. This really sucked, though, because my greatest hope was for my senior year in high school to be something worth remembering as I wasn't able to do anything the previous two years since covid put a downer on all of that. But whatever, I graduated and kept the people I wanted to and dropped those I didn't. It's still a work in progress in dropping some of those people, but in getting there lol

I got my first job, which I still have now, and I love working there. There are better days and worse days (I work in public service so there are always those karen's who will come in) but I love the people I work with and am glad that I decided to take the offer to work there when I did. I have some good memories there that definitely are core memories

I can't do this without mentioning the passing of Technoblade. If you didn't know who he was, Technoblade was a minecraft youtuber and streamer who helped so many people with his amazing and funny videos and his stories that he created on the Dream SMP. He unfortunately passed in June this year due to cancer. When I watched the video his dad made announcing it, the world went silent. I spent that whole night and much of the day after crying my eyes out. I couldn't imagine someone who had brought me so much comfort being gone. Hell I'm still not over it, and I don't think I ever will be. Techno was a huge influence, inspiration, and comfort for me and always will be. Fuck cancer.

I had many family problems throughout the year that I won't get into because that's a little more personal than I'd like to get to on such a public place lol. Just know that to all of you who are celebrating alone this year, I feel you, and my heart goes out to you. We aren't alone if we're all together

The one huge positive that I do have to mention is my starting to watch anime. I decided to take the plunge and watch ouran highschool host club because of a cosplay I saw of hikaru and kaoru on tiktok that made me go "oh what the fuck I'll give". I went in not expecting to finish even episode one and came out with new comfort characters and a world I couldn't leave behind. After ouran, I found kuroshitsuji and we'll...here we are lol

On top of the comfort I found in ouran, I found a series that was so much darker but had such good characters that I started to connect with and love. Grelle has been such a huge comfort for me and I can't imagine myself leaving her (or the series) behind at any point for next long while. Seeing such an empowering transgender woman really did it for me and I'm so happy I decided to watch this show and subsequently binge read the manga. I can't wait to see all the kuro content this next year brings

I've lost people this year, I've gained people this year. I've cried so many tears of sadness and absolutely no tears of joy. I've spent way more money than I should on genshin impact and food. Most importantly, I've found a place where I think I can start to build myself up again. Good fucking bye 2022, I'm gonna do my best to make 2023 my bitch and I think that y'all should join me. Thank you all for being here, and I wish you all a happy, healthy new year

If you've made it this far, new chapter of forever forgiveness comes out in two weeks ;)

[shoresoftheshadowlands]

My whole life in school was like this- Not specifically having a blockade put in front of me but they may as well have.

Separated at lunch often in 1st-6th, (For asking questions too much I guess? I think they didn't realize or care that I wasn't backtalking them they were real questions about things I didn't understand) Middleschool, with the devil, Mrs.ButtScum (Which, funny enough, is barely spelled different than her actual name. Fuck you if by some strange measure you are still alive, and somehow see this post. You are a monster.) decided to take me out of the math class I was in with a teacher who was kind and understood me and would go over math with me in ways I understood (I have Dyscalculia, its like Dyslexia except numbers), and made me switch to two 'class' periods in her study class and math class. Not only was it hell, she was a cold hearted bitch, and would tear up my homework from other classes, steal my books, and report I had not been doing my homework.

We had a simple division sheet to do (like 5 ⟌30, which is 6, no work needed) and she kept making me re-do it over and over because I didn't show my work, which was what I was taught with basic division. I didn't know HOW to show it for something that simple. So she turned my desk to face the wall instead, making sure I was at the back of the class. I was not allowed to participate, not allowed to read, or do homework, or do work for another class or anything. I wasn't allowed to sleep. For two and a half hours, every day. for months. Until I broke down and started making sure I'd be sick by mid-day and had to call home to be home- Like I'd drink straight up coffee which at that age would make me sick in a couple hours which was what I wanted. Couldn't have a miserable time if I wasn't there!

And at some point, I told my mother about the abuse and how long it had gone on. She went to the school and was like 'ok wtF are you doing' and they're like 'well we don't have any proof-' and she's like you go to that classroom RIGHT NOW and tell me what's happening.

So he walks in, sees me staring off like I was dead inside, calls me out of the class, and was a thousand kinds of sorry. I was still stuck with this class, I couldn't go back to the other class or get my science TA class back, but she wasn't allowed to bully me anymore and she knew if she so much as looked at me wrong, I'd squeal.

Also during that already annoying period of time, she decided to shame me in front of the class because I had a bad dandruff problem, and with nothing better to do and being autistic (undiagnosed for several more years somehow) I ended up just kind of picking at my dandruff, so she gets this pencil with no eraser (IE, the eraser was gone and the metal ring was squished in and sharp) and picked through my hair as a 'LICE CHECK!' (she loudly proclaimed to the class, knowing damn well I didn't have lice)

You'd think that might be the worst thing I'd experience in school!

It was not.

in high school, due to physical disability (Still not diagnosed for autism for a couple years yet), the dance teacher did not know what to do with me. I couldn't do the class because reasons, so she had me doing TA work (Which was fine), for a while, but she'd also make me do coursework for the class. (Which would have been fine). Except for this pesky situation. You see, she decided to put me in a closet. Yes, a closet! It was a 'big' closet, big enough for a little desk with the oldest computer I'd seen in years on it, and it smelled moldy and musty (And also a hint of vomit). I was locked in there every day, so I had no way to learn the stuff she was teaching for the homework packets. I had a friend who would pass finished work under the door- Everyone was in on it, they made sure I didn't fail. Eventually one of them passed a phone - a new model, it was thin, and I was able to call my mother.

Next birthday I was given my first cellphone.

By this point I was getting pretty burned out on the whole school experience and it did not get better. One teacher made me teach HER class while she sat on her ass playing solitaire or free cell, which cut into a DIFFERENT class.

The high school study class I was in somehow did the same thing as butt scum! I'd do my homework packets, and she'd report that I had not done them to my mother, which delighted her because my mother is a SCREAMER. You do something wrong enough and you get screamed at, which she found out when my Japanese teacher asked why I'd been missing class, in front of mother- who assumed I was skipping when I told her a different teacher was making me teach her class. Sounds fake as hell but I was in such panic and distress, Nishisaki believed me no questions asked and we later proved it was true because the next day, the teacher who making me do her work, wanted me to teach traditional animation! Something I did not know and still do not know. When I expressed I couldn't she threatened my grade. Every student stood up for me and they ALL WALKED OUT and got the vice principal who came to rescue me.

Nishisaki also messaged me on her daughter's AIM messenger (We were friends) to see if I was okay at home after the first screaming match and she never again said anything around my mother that might get me in trouble. In fact, as long as I was in class, even if I didn't get the work right, she'd pass me, knowing there was no way I could catch up with what the other teacher had done. But back to the study hall thing, that teacher tried to one up me about how I wasn't doing my homework but. I took my homework packet binder and kept it instead of leaving it in class, so when she told my mother, I dramatically kept my cool and produced my homework, 100% completed and finished, dating back months worth of work that she'd reported as skipped or unfinished (This was again math somehow, I have the worst luck)

You know how a cartoon expresses fear by cartoonishly draining color? That's what she looked like. My mother, sensing weakness, whipped around and looked at this now sniveling woman like a lion looks at a dying gazelle.

Also my mother was very sorry about screaming at me all those times I was supposedly 'skipping' or not doing my homework. But I was still even after that, the kid from some movie where the parents comically don't listen to their kids about stuff that is really happening. I found things much better when I handled them myself, as I got older, since there was I guess so much 'I TOLD YOU I Did / didn't x thing' in our lives eventually it devolved into just too much. her idiot boyfriend was awful to me for years and I'd tell her about it and she didn't exactly not believe me but she was so tired of it.

Now I've solved that problem myself- I keep to my own room and don't interact much with them, it keeps us all sane and we have fewer screeching matches about it.

Emotional abuse IS abuse. Isolating kids IS abuse. I WAS ABUSED. Other kids are abused all the time in these hands off kinds of ways and it fucks with how we grow up. It makes us bitter, and angry, or distant. It burns into us like a brand, we carry it with us always. I'll be 37 soon and just seeing the first picture had my brain reliving this shit like it was yesterday, back to when I was 12-through-17.

Someone Should Talk To This Principal

[bingbongsupremacy]

yes part 2 please, and of pen pals and how to kiss

Wish You'd Make Me Cry Pt. 2

I'm working on the other 2 rn as well. Should be out in a couple days if not today!

Pairing: Ellie Williams x reader

Warnings: Alcoholic Ellie, Cursing

Summary: Ellie realizes she's been taking her anger out on you, but is it too late to save your relationship?

Idea from the song : Wish You'd Make Me Cry by UPSAHL

*Not Proof Read* TLOU Masterlist

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt.3

Pt. 3 on the way.

***** Third P.O.V. *****

Snow crunches beneath Ellie's tattered converses'. Anger and frustration seethe through her body, getting worse the more she thinks back on her conversation with Y/N.

'What the fuck does she mean. I do talk to her. I talk to her all the fucking time.'

Ellie yanks open the squeaky bar door. A few heads snap towards the direction of the sound, quickly turning away once they spot the angry woman. She's not one to mess with when angry.

Ellie takes a seat at her usual spot at the bar.

" Hey, Ellie. What can I get ya tonight? " Jesse greets.

" A drink. " She replies curtly. All she needs is a fucking drink. It's what helps her forget. It's the only reliable thing in her life. Alcohol doesn't lie and it sure as hell doesn't argue.

Jesse lets out a sigh. He can tell she'd had more than enough to drink already. " I don't know, Ellie..." He replies gently, not wanting to piss her off anymore.

Ellie looks up at the man. " Jesse, just get me a fucking drink, alright? I don't need you to do whatever the fuck you're doing. You're not my father. "

Jesse throws his hands up in surrender. " Whoa, calm down, Ellie. What the hell is wrong with you tonight? " He grabs a glass, against his better judgement, and pours a little moonshine into the glass. He passes it Ellie who immediately takes a sip.

" Fucking Y/N. " She mutters while wiping off her mouth. All her rage from the night seems to pour out uncontrollably. " I don't get what their fucking problem is. No matter what I fucking do I'm never right. I go on patrol, I come home and I want to relax, right? And all they wants to do is fucking talk about shit we've talked about a million times. It's always the same thing with them. ' How did this happen. ' " Ellie mocks Y/N. " ' How did it get this way '. I don't fucking know, Jesse. I honestly don't know. "

Jesse patiently listens to Ellie rant. He'd heard about the couples' marital problems from Y/N before, but never Ellie. Ellie's not one to share about their relationship.

Ellie takes a breath. " When I used to look at Y/N I felt this... " Ellie's brows furrow. " I felt this strong love. I felt like I couldn't breath without them. Like I'd die without Y/N nearby. Now...I constantly feel like I'm suffocating in my own home. And-and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm such a fucking cunt to Y/N. It's just whenever I see their face I feel so trapped. " Ellie finishes. Guilt rises in Ellie's stomach. She'd never admitted her feelings to anyone.

Jesse nods slowly. " Do you think that maybe this all started last year when you guys got married? " He asks, nodding to the small silver band around Ellie's finger.

Ellie looks down at the glimmering jewelry. She'd spent weeks looking for the perfect ring for Y/N. She'd learned pretty early on that Y/N wanted to get married, and she wanted to make sure she found the perfect ring. All she wanted to do was make Y/N happy.

Ellie thinks back to when she proposed, taking Jesses' words into deep consideration. Did this happen because they got married. Ellie hadn't been completely truthful when she'd told Y/N she didn't want to get married. In reality, she'd been pretty excited to propose. She just needed something to say she new would hurt Y/N.

" I don't know. " Ellie sighs while running a hand through her hair.

Jesse thinks before lowering his voice. " Do you think you could be taking your anger at Joel out on Y/N. "

Ellie hadn't thought of that. The week before Joel died Ellie found out what he did at the hospital. She was fucking livid. She didn't talk to him at all. She never got to say goodbye.

She never told Y/N.

Ellie decided to bury it. Joel wasn't here anymore so it didn't need to be addressed. At least that's what she thought.

Sure he'd sometimes creep into her thoughts at night. She'd wonder if he died thinking she hated him. She really didn't. She wondered if there was any way she could've saved him.

The easiest way to kill the thoughts was to drink. The memories seemed to blur when alcohol was involved.

Jesse takes Ellie's silence as an answer. " You need to talk to Y/N. You need to be honest and tell them what's going on with you. They don't deserve to be left in the dark because you don't know how to deal with your shit. That's not how relationships work. You're going to lose them if you don't get it together. " Jesse grabs the empty glass from in front of Ellie. " You're destroying yourself and your partner. "

Ellie's stomach sinks. She hadn't thought about how what she did to deal with Joel might have been affecting Y/N. All she wanted was a little relief from the never ending thoughts that raced through her mind.

With a groan, Ellie stands up. She needs to fix what she fucked up.

_____

All hopes of Y/N still being awake are immediately crushed as Ellie walks up to their dark house. She quietly opens up the front door.

She tosses her coat to the side before making her way to the couch. There's no way in hell Y/N would let her in the bed after what happened.

Ellie lets out a small sigh, trying to make herself as comfortable as possible. She needs to make this right.

_____

Sunlight pouring in from a the window wakes Ellie up. She sits up, immediately getting a headache. She makes her way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. A small glimmer catches her eye. Ellie peers down across the counter at the silver object.

A ring. 'Y/N's ring.'

Ellie picks up the ring in confusion, flipping it over in confusion. She grabs the small paper underneath, her heart dropping as soon as she reads the words.

Ellie,

I'm done. I'm done fighting for whatever the hell this is. You're right, we never should've gotten married, especially not this young. We're not ready for this.

I've tried talking to you. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what the fuck I did to make you so upset all the time. You're free now, Ellie.

I'm sorry you felt pressured into marrying me. I really loved you, Els. I really did.

Y/N

Ellie really fucked up this time.

Ellie's heart begins to pound faster. She drops the ring and note onto the counter before bolting up the stairs. She pushes open the door with fear in her heart.

Empty.

Ellie opens up the closet to reveal your half empty and a suitcase gone.

" Fuck! " Ellie grabs her hair in frustration. " She sits on the end of the bed, staring down at her knees. " Fuck fuck fuck. " Panic runs through Ellies' head. 'Where the hell could they be?'

Suddenly a name pops into Ellie's head. 'Dina'

Ellie jumps up from the bed. She hurries out of the house, not bothering to lock it up. She needs to get to Y/N. She needs to fix what she fucked up.

She only hopes you accept her apology.

A few minutes later, Ellie arrives on Dina's porch. She knocks on the door, her foot tapping anxiously.

Hushed whispering pours out through the other side of the door. Ellie's heart clenches, hoping Y/N's at least here and safe.

The door opens up slightly to reveal Dina. She gives Ellie a tight, sympathetic smile. " Hey. "

" Is Y/N here? " Ellie rushes.

Dina's eyes fall back into the house. She hesitates for a second before responding with a head shake. " No. "

Ellie narrows her eyes. " Don't lie to me, Dina. I know they're here. I just need to talk to them. Please. Just-just let me talk to Y/N. "

Dina's eyes wander back into the house. " I'm sorry, Ellie. Y/N doesn't want to talk to you right now. "

Ellie lets out a sigh. " Yeah, I get it. Just...let them know I'm sorry. Please? I'm really fucking sorry. And I have a lot to talk to them. I know it might be too late but...fuck...I have to try. "

Dina nods and moves back to close the door. " I will. Bye, Ellie. "

Ellie watches as Dina disappears behind the door.

For the first time in months, the alcohol isn't here to shield her from her pain.

Sorry forgor to tag u . Do you guys want to be tagged? Lmk.

@octavias-next-meat-bite

[bittcnneck]

i'm so disgusted stols involved you again for no reason and with out proof

also they apparently fat shamed and told people to kill themselves???? fucking insane

TW long ass rant underneath this, feel free to scroll past.

I don't want to keep this in my blog, so I'll delete this in an hour. I'll be honest, I'm dissapointed. Very, very dissapointed. And I've lost hope on them at this point. Ever since the incident in February, interacting with stols has been like trying to start a fire with matches in the snow. I tried. I really did try. I couldn't.. I seriously just couldn't. I defended them when people were wrongfully accusing them. I provided them with screenshots for them to defend themselves. I apologized. They told me they forgave me. THEY SAID WE'RE FRIENDS. Whenever They posted relationship or exclusive calls, I commented. I even messaged twice about it. Every main, affiliate call, I said I'd love to be added. They never added me. Which is fine. But why are you saying you will? Why are you giving me hope? I knew something was wrong. I felt it, I literally asked about it. They had a problem with me, but never said it. Even though I asked. I SPECIFICALLY asked. WHY ARE YOUR HORRIBLE COMMUNICATION SKILLS MY PROBLEM? why am I the one to blame for how you lied to me? Why am I the bad one here?

Here's a video of only some examples, it's completely fine if you're like "I ain't reading allat 😭💀" bc tbh I wouldn't either, I'm just putting it for the record and for those who are interested enough.

The thing with stols is that they believe what they want to believe. They are delusional. What they have in their mind is the reality for them, and they don't even need proof for being 100% sure what they assume is right. I sent rhem my last message and said what I said. And I was already on a burner account waiting for them to post about it. And don't you even dare come at me with the "OMG YOU BLOCK EVADED YOU LOOKED AT HIS BLOG EVEN THOUGH YOU BLOCKED THEM BLOCK EVADER!!!" do NOT. I was on another account because I KNOW Them. I KNEW they would do this. I knew they'd make a post about me blaming me, and delete it in 10 minutes. That's just what they do and I wanted to have that post in hand in case a day comes where I need to use it. This is when I'm using it.

This, this genuinely made my blood boil. If you don't like me, don't talk to me. If you don't want to be friends with me, don't keep me around. If you didn't want to be mutuals with me, you could have blocked me and that would be it for me. Let's say that wouldn't be it for me, let's say I did something stupid like sending you anon hatred or block evaded and asked what I did wrong. Then I WOULD BE IN THE WRONG HERE and you'd have every right to call me out. You didn't, and now here we are. You're the one who kept me around. You're the one who gave me hope for a friendship, you're the one who said you forgave me. I apologized for anything that I needed to apologize for, you said you forgave me and this is it. Why are you bringing up the shit you said you forgave me for to make yourself look better? To make me look bad? Why is it that you can learn from your mistakes but I can't? I'm not sorry for this. I'm not sorry for making this post and calling you out like this. And no, this isn't a moment of anger post like yours. I don't post bullshit with heat of moments. At least not anymore. And unlike you, I'm backing up my words. I'm not specifically angry or stressed right now. This is just something I needed to get off my chest, and I'm getting it off my chest. Do with this what you will, post it anywhere, I don't care. I'm just sick of you. I left you alone. I TRULY LEFT YOU ALONE. I haven't checked your blog since the day I blocked you, but you managed to pull me back into your bullshit. You're the one who did this. I lost 6 followers since yesterday because of what you did. And I don't care if I lose more because of this. Leave me alone and STOP ACCUSING PEOPLE. If you can't act like an adult, get off the internet. And stop posting when you're mad. You haven't changed, and idgaf if you're trying. Try without involving others. You're a teen in an adults body.

Thankfully, I had a friend who spoke to me about this during the incident. I don't know how else I could clear my name if I didn't, because for you without hard proof I'm guilty right? You damn child.

Edit: someone said that they sent this link to the archive blog, so I won't delete the post until whoever runs that blog acknowledges their ask. I didn't send it in but I wouldn't mind, I stated it before.

[witchpaladin]

the worst part about that shitty relationship that ruined my ability to trust people is because a lot of it has to do with DID it's pretty much impossible to communicate every little thing that happened without it just sounding completely insane, because it was

short version being that he claimed to also have DID but throughout our relationship his alters and etc kept mirroring or countering mine in ways that were weird and unhealthy but I didn't want to believe he was malingering so for years I made excuses for him

but it got to the point I'd tell him something like "yeah I don't like this character because I associate him with x trauma so his scenes can be triggering and I just avoid that part of the fanbase" and magically he'd spawn that character in his system even tho he'd never watched/read that media before

so basically he went out of his way to read up on that media, lie to me about it (because I'd directly ask him "have you read this yet" and he'd say no) and then randomly one day terrify and confuse my alters by claiming that character just exists as an alter now

and even that we tried to accept but as I started grilling him about the circumstances of the alter forming it became clear he'd manufactured the whole thing because he likes tormenting people

he'd been playing these kind of games for years but it finally got to a point where it was so overt and obvious that we couldn't excuse it anymore. and the realisation that someone would take vulnerable information from a mentally ill person who they claim to love and use it to manipulate and psychologically torture them for years kind of fucked up my trust with other people permanently. so that sucks

it's fucked up that I don't even know what parts of what he told me were lies and it's over such petty crap but the cumulative and mindfucky nature of it basically destroyed my brain

like did he even actually read the media?? did he only start reading it after he introduced this alter because I started questioning him and he realised he needed to beef up his story?

because I remember confronting him, and telling him, but you said you never even read or watched this. how do you have an alter from something you've never read or watched? and his answer was just "oh I guess I lied about that, I actually lie a lot, I'm a compulsive liar", which in itself was something I was hearing for the first time in like 3 years of being in a serious relationship lol

having someone lie to you and manipulate you like that for years when you're already vulnerable and traumatised is so hard to come back from. idk if I'll ever come back from it and it sucks

he did appear on one of my blogs once years ago to basically try to gaslight me and I just laughed in his face and blocked him everywhere. but it drives me nuts because he really has no concept of how much he has destroyed my brain lmao. it's been like 7 years since we met and I still don't trust anyone. I still think everyone is lying to me. I still see red flags in every tiny thing because I made myself ignore so many red flags in that relationship that now even a slight shade of pink puts me on the defensive. and I haven't had a friendship or relationship last more than a few months because I get scared or overwhelmed and I just ghost them and never go back

and. I barely even feel anything about it. because my ability to attach to others has been so wrecked that nothing anyone does hurts me anymore and nobody I lose hurts me anymore

and sometimes I feel bad about the things we said or did in retaliation but it's hard to feel bad about those things when we were in a constant state of distress because of the way we were treated. especially knowing that he holds onto those bits of retaliation as proof of us being the abuser or the instigator or w/e

like richard you can say w/e the fuck you want about the whole thing but you and I both know that the person who started with the lying, and the threats of violence, and the insults, was you. I'd never in my life spoken to people the way I ended up speaking to you and I haven't spoken to anyone like that since

it was you who started with the I hate you, I want to hit you, I hope you die, I'd kill your cats if I was there etc etc etc

I remember it clearly because I even remember when M finally snapped and for the first time answered you the way you speak to us, and he said he hated you and he wanted to punch you in the face, and suddenly you started laughing and said "wait what the fuck, I don't hate you, I'm so sorry, why am I doing this? I love you" and immediately M calmed down and stopped. because it was you who was always the instigator and us who were always just happy to settle into a pretense of normalcy and act like everything was okay

I remember this shit richard. I remember it vividly and every day

I remember you frequently suicide baiting us and keeping us up at night on call, begging you to get off the street and go home

I remember this happening so much that when we couldn't reach you we'd completely panic and we'd start messaging and calling random people who knew you to confirm you were okay

and then you'd come back and act like we were being insane but we thought you were fucking dead! because you'd do this all the time!

and it was all so insane and so stupid that I can't even talk to anyone about it. like congrats you ruined me for other men and not even in a fun way. I just look at everyone and see your lies now

it is so bad sometimes, thinking these things and feeling these things, that I actually want to kill myself. I want it all to end because I don't see how I will ever recover from this, because 7 years later and I still wake up sometimes with it fresh in my mind. and even if I don't remember, every morning I wake up ANGRY. AT NOTHING. AT EVERYTHING. AND I PRETEND NOT TO KNOW WHY- BUT I KNOW

because it was when we'd wake up that we'd immediately check our phone to see the aftermath of whatever had occurred the night before. we'd check to see if you were still angry, if you were still there, if you'd left any messages for us as we slept that will now lead into another argument. it always made R so angry because he had to sit there biting his tongue and just let you mistreat us

actually you know what really sucks is I feel like the only time you were ever truly content in the relationship was when you were regressed and N was taking care of you. any other time it was like you just felt obligated to be there and to pretend to actually like us so you could basically get your ddlg session in

[themediatorfriend]

20's in 23.

(TW: ugly thoughts)

(To you who might read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm writing this mostly as a reminder to myself and most of all, a lesson. allow me to be raw. But a favor pls, I welcomed you here because I trust that you'll never judge and you'll KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF)

A lil' bit late here isn't it? Coz, this acc serves as my journal, so ofc, imma write a whole paragraph. Sadly, I find myself unable to do so. I've lost so much in '23. Words. Smile. Health. Life...and the worst thing is, my will to live.

I am honestly scared to write this. Because if I did, I am admitting how the words of some shattered me. I am admitting how damaged I am. I am admitting how pathetic I lived this year. But I realized that this is also a proof that I survived 365 days of surviving, not living.

Funny isn't it? The reel seems like I was living a happy life. Personally, I was also shocked that I smiled more than I could remember this year. Creating this reel brought mixed feelings—of the memento that there were times I felt happy this year, of how dubious the film reel is.

If I were asked what is the thing I would definitely remember in 2023, it is that I cried ocean of tears; that there were times I could no longer cry because my default every single day is desolation. And if I had to, I needed books to feel something and shed tears coz I couldn't recognize anymore my own pain because of its familiarity.

2023 is a battle of survival—me against myself. I fought this alone and we're able to survive alone. That's one of my greatest achievements this year. I managed to survive 365 battles alone (shout out to those 71 books who were a great company).

To future me, when you see this again, you could survive whatever you're doing—alone or not. I am writing this right now because the world didn't end when I was 17. I hope you could say the same because you see? the world didn't end when you were 20. You may see that you were happy in this film when you were 20, but remember that you've cried more than you've laughed in 2023. I hope, to whatever age you are rn, you'll remember how your survival in 2023 brought you there.

Always go back to what you have survived at 20. Remember what you've gone through...

December '22 was the hallmark of my health decline. The stress I felt was too much, I never realized I was on a journey of self-destructing. At that time, I had to heal fast, coz apparently I have no right to be dramatic. Before I was able to process the pain, I was told to stop feeling the pain.

So, I healed myself—that's what I thought. Unfortunately, I was not healing. I pretended in my head that I was healed and gaslighted myself that I am already over it. My first betrayal to myself. And honestly, it worked—but for a short period of time.

I remember that December I badly needed a diversion. It wasn't a want. It's a need. So when i heard that I'd be able to go back home, I was so relieved. I would not be isolated anymore with my ugly thoughts with only the four corners of my room witnessing my whimpered cries. At least, I'd find myself having mundane but entertaining conversations with cousibs.

I was so excited to go back—until I wasn't.

January felt like a slap in my face. I was greeted with criticism (to put it mildly). My countenance and physique was an easy subject for disparaging words and heedless comments. I heard the worst words a man or woman could say to another being. There I feel myself slowly getting dragged at the bottom. It was the first time I hated myself. I never had a high-esteem in the first place but I was content with my appearance. I never considered myself a beauty but I wasn't dramatic about it. Coz I am CONTENTED.

But u could never know how words could damage a person beyond repair. I was already a cracked vase who was glued to life. And in that moment, I was broken again for another reason—body shaming.

With my autopilot self, I tried to get over it. I willed myself to do so. Unfortunately, the words already started festering in my mind. I was a wound that needed to be closed but we're left open.

For months, I tried various things to close the wound. But I have already become an open wound that was dripping the floor with blood. Infection started to spread in my system, I failed to notice that it was already feeding to the disease that was already starting to form in my body. The stress partnered with pretensions wasn't a good match for my health. They form a good synergy until it became the autoimmune disease—a graves' disease.

With already preexisting mental battles, now my physical health has already started to fail me, they were already attacking me too.

Stress is a good feed for graves. Unfortunately, I had to carry all the stressors at the same time with no one to hear my thoughts and aid me. Stress from: academics, unhealed pain last year, failed friendship, body dysmorphia, self-loathing, and a deteriorating belief system. It was a tough battle—one I had survived, but barely.

This is the worst part. I am aware that it was an ugly truth and I should have never ventured in it, but I was not able to stop myself. I betrayed myself and become one of its perpetrators; I started to hurt myself. Truth to be told, I am self-aware. It shouldn't have happened. But I was a weak human being. It became a natural response when the voices in my head are screaming. I don't even understand what they're. Help? That's one thing. But it's not the loudest. The loudest was the ugliest—my will to live which is close to none.

I know I needed to get out—of my bed, of my room, and of my head. I needed to open the windows but I couldn't find my energy. For months, I was gaslighting myself and romanticized the idea of being a homebody. With my limited human interactions, I isolated myself once again with my thoughts. I was betraying myself again. I knew I needed interactions. But I have no one. That's the struggle a uni student has to survive.

November was at least a little bit considerate to me. I've lost a loved one, but Alhamdulillah, I found comfort with some cousibs. I finally was able to interact with homies. Unfortunately, nothing changed. My appearance was once again an easy topic for jokes and criticisms. I tried so hard to put out a strong front. Yet, I failed miserably. I shed a tear in front of my cousin. One of the things I've started to hate. I don't want them to know that their words are blowing me to pieces. I don't want them to think their words are my downfall...I don't want them to feel bad. I knew I was betraying myself yet again. I've told myself I would voice for myself to draw a boundary. And I did try. I spoke. Yet, my overthinking won. I feel like I offended them. Another failure, I allowed them to step on me.

The good thing was I didn't broke down. Honestly, I don't even know if she knew I cried that time. If she pretended that she didn't notice, I appreciate that. I hate to be seen as flawed and weak. Even though, I am already hanging on a single thread.

December come once again. My body failed on me. I was told I would not be back to my usual look. A sad truth. Up until now, I am coming to terms with that. I have to remind myself everyday I would never be the same again. I can't keep living in the past and what ifs. I hated Decembers. It is a reminder of the things I have to fought.

A silver lining happened in the midst of my visitation in the hospital. Alex, who was a nurse who assisted me, was the one who made me realize things. "You're beautiful," she said. I hated compliments like this because it was though a charity phrase. I am aware of my look. I was told many things already, which I started to believe and I see myself in the mirror everyday even though I hated looking at my reflection.

As someone who was still picking up her pieces, to hear these words from a stranger made me realize this. I was looking at myself in a limited lens.

There are billions of people in this world, yet I welcomed the lens of the few. It's cliché but I realized the truth of choosing which people to accept in your life and hurt you.

You've suffered enough—not because you're a damaged portrait. It's because all this time, you were using the wrong lens to look at your life. There are thousands of lenses that exist in our sphere. Some are broken and old. Some are transcendental and new. You always have the choice which of these will you use and accept in your life. Let go.

Now I am at the process of deconstructing. I know I needed a company and change of scenery, but in life, the only constant company is yourself—so don't ever lose it. I needed a vacation in December in order to heal, but we don't always get what we need. And that is the gist of survival. You have to learn to survive alone.

-daylight

[starry-eyed-butch]

Lots of trigger warnings cause I don't have any healthy coping mechanisms that I utilize with any sort of regularity cause I'd rather suffer. So for mental health, destructive tendencies, etc., do not read more. If anyone really reads these anyways.

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I'm a whole ass adult and never got over the urge to harm myself but now that I have to give plasma just to get to work, I can't cut on my arms anymore and it's already been awkward every time they take my blood pressure and while there are other places, nothing is as satisfying as my arms (I've tried, it's just not it, I'm too picky, which is probably a whole other diagnosis but we're poor out here). So, in lieu of that, I should use that gym membership I've been paying for every month for years and I think I'm just gonna excessively work out again and maybe I'll actually be able to sleep a while night in the process. And restricting and exercise are the only time I ever lost weight so I'm just gonna work myself to nothing. Not as satisfying but it'll just have to work, huh. Hahahaha, I am so deeply unhappy. I'm trying like hell to work on it but I just can't catch a break and I just don't even care enough to stop the downhill roll. One of these times I'll actually kill myself for real and then I don't have to worry about it anymore. One day. And it sucks cause I KNOW that top surgery would alleviate probably 50% of my mental health strife. I can't even go get a fucking hair cut which is really all I have that affirms how I feel but that's $20 I don't have. I've been overdrafted on my bank account every check for the last several months.

Shittiest thing is yes, money does buy happiness because it buys stability and things we need. I'm back to not being able to buy groceries. My minimum payment for my electric not to be shut off that I just paid was $233. I'm $1500 behind on my car payment. I can't catch up after missing a week of work because of a kidney infection. I can't but weed, which is the only thing that even helps me sleep or gives me an appetite. I'm out of my little sleep meds and have been for over a week. I paid a $70 ticket for something I have proof I didn't do because I couldn't get ahold of anyone after days and days and they kept calling me back while I was at work. I ran out of time to fight it, not trying to lose my license too. I hate my fucking job. I'm taken advantage of every single day for wages that can't even pay my bills. I'm not gonna find another job thats gonna lay me 18 off the bat and I certainly can't makeess then that AND if I did quit, I'd lose school, which is a whole other source of stress but it's the only thing I enjoy and am good at most of the time.