#i didn’t get ready for tomorrow
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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Progress flag Jevil to finish off pride month?
Day 303 of posting Jevil every day
#pride palettes#pride month#progress flag#rainbow palettes are hard and I didn’t wanna make this too similar to another rainbow palette I did WAY long ago#anyways#that’s the end of pride month!#phew! it was fun but it’s time to draw Jevil doing silly things again!#daily jevil may be a bit earlier tomorrow because I have a scheduled post ready#I haven’t done that in a while cause I preferred the casual I’ll get to it when I get to it approach but I’m getting my wisdom teeth out-#-and I’ll probably be conked out all day lol#dailyjevil#deltarune#deltarune jevil#jevil#jevil deltarune
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Rebecca is ready for the new school year and so am I!
#american girl#american girls#american girl dolls#ag#agblr#ag doll#ag dolls#rebecca rubin#rebecca’s school outfit#rebecca and ana#dolls#toys#dollblr#toy collector#doll collector#photos#maya’s musings#got her school outfit secondhand (but without the ribbon)#i tried to put an extra ivory ribbon i had in her hair but i couldn’t do it without it looking stupid 😔#also it didn’t come with the white tights so hee tights are the black ones that came with her meet outfit#(or at least the ones that came on her when she arrived—also secondhand—with her meet dress)#actually putting her outfit on helped me prepare myself for the fact that i’ll start my SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE tomorrow#i’ve loved this outfit for a while and am so happy to have it#with the ‘spotlights’ on her doesn’t she look ready to sing ‘you’re a grand old flag’ with ana onstage?#maybe i can get/make her a tiny american flag 💖
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Yeah…cuz nothing conservative or homophobic or anything EVER fucking happens in Canada……..🤨
#get out of here with that shit.#also like.#you cannot kick out half of the fucking country and just have it be something else different and ‘worse’ than you#nothing changes if you do that#there are good people that live in the center part of the country.#there are gay people and trans people and for FUCKS sake do you know how many people of color live in the south?!?!?!#fuck outta here.#and we had a good night tonight too#I went in knowing yall would try this kinda bullshit#and you didn’t and we had fun#and now you’re doing this and#I need to get ready for work tomorrow I don’t have the energy.
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germany was great but i was so so so betrayed by a kebab my last night and got food poisoned before my 17 hours of Airports And Planes and i lived an entire lifetime of misery but finally im to CO and and can escape death for a little bit hhhhh
#tomorrow is final flight back to NM#thank god i did not try to make the whole leg in one day i was so ready to be Out of the airport#to clarify the throwing up etc was mostly finished by 7am when i had to leave hotel for airport#but i have had Sickness Hangovet and didn’t eat anything but crackers and some juice the whole flight etc hhhhhhhhhh#ramblings#wharglbarglr#the fun stuff and pics will get posted when i’m#back to my computer#for now i Whine via mobile
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kinda funny when ur brain’s gut instinct is repression so you just kinda watch while your stress and emotions get bottled and corked and the whole time ur just like “that is going to bite me in the ass so bad later but i can’t seem to open the damn bottles without getting glass everywhere so! guess we’ll wait”
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- not super but this is more negative than i like to be#sorry folks i’ve been mental illness posting a lot#maybe i should get checked for seasonal affective disorder. or maybe this is a trauma response? i DID nearly die this year#i dunno. the trauma stuff in particular is tricky bc if i try to unpack it before i’m ready i could basically just retraumatize myself#but if i wait too long then it’ll do some damage that way too. so i gotta time it right#what i really gotta do is actually contact one of these psychologists i got referred#i think i wanna go for a psychologist instead of a therapist bc i’d like the opportunity for medication/diagnosis if possible#i keep like. almost crying but every time it happens i’m like ‘YESSS CATHARSIS’ and then it goes away. fuckass brain#sighhh. i’m tired. i’m tired of resting too#but tomorrow is a holiday celebrated by eating good food with your family#so i’m gonna try to just enjoy myself and enjoy the day#and it’ll be nice#i’ll probably help cook which i always like doing#i got to chop chocolate tonight. it was really fun i like working with knives#didn’t even get any intrusive thoughts. just focused on making chocolate chunks#it’s satisfying to feel like you’ve made something. chopping things makes me feel like i’ve made something#i want to make more things. i’m really tired all the time lately (different from blood loss tired (i’m relieved i can tell the difference))#and being tired makes it harder to make things#but i’m at my happiest when i’m creating in some way. if you believe in purposes i’d say that was mine#i need to make things i need to put myself out into the world. that way i can look and say i existed. i did something tangible#sigh okay i’m gonna . stop here before this turns into mars shares all of her thoughtfeelings on public website tumblr.com#i know i literally liveblogged my colonoscopy prep to you all (thx again ppl who supported me then btw that was an awful night)#buuuuut i still wanna leave some parts of me a little mysterious. (<- is an open book)
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“A career in art is fun!” No it’s NOT it’s 10pm and I am finally eating a meal for the first time today because I’ve been working all weekend and all week and I barely managed to go out to get groceries yesterday! A career in art is a cry for help
#just ate some spicy ramen and it was the best thing I’ve ever had#anyway gtg get ready for bed cause I gotta get up tomorrow nice and early to do more work lol#i didn’t get to go home and see my family this Easter weekend and I regret it :(#not much I can do now tho
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my sister: don’t get me anything for christmas bc you helped me get a dog
me: okay if you’re sure
me on dec 24, sneaking her gift under the tree:
#ASDFG i’m very impatiently waiting to do so and very impatiently waiting for tomorrow bc i wanna see her reaction!!#i got her these game guides for xenosaga and xenosaga 2 bc it’s one of her favorite series and she’s got no idea!!#i somehow managed to pretend i didn’t get her anything and she actually believes it :’ )))#my sister is a smart cookie so i can never fool her and ii think she’ll really like these!#ahhh i’m just kicking my feet here#after i shower i might do a lil writing bc the brain worms are kicking in but we’ll see if it’s replies or bio/headcanon stuff#hope this Christmas Eve is treating y’all well!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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i can’t sleep because of this damn sore throat nor can i get comfortable for some reason but hopefully the complete lack of more than 3hrs of sleep means that after i work i will go to bed earlier than 5am 🥲🤞🏻
in any case i hope y’all are having a good day and that you have a good night as well 💗
#⟡ — kayleigh.txt#hopefully i don’t have to walk many dogs tonight 🙃 it supposed to rain all evening and i am not here for it#i have an order ready to place for a good umbrella and other things but i can’t place it until i get paid tomorrow ugh#it’ll be easier today anyways because i only have two rooms to clean (for now)#i am. tired. and cranky. and my throat hurts.#my antidepressants and antianxiety meds will take a while to build back up in my system after not having taken them for a week apparently#i didn’t get any real rest on my days off because i was so stressed and got nothing done 🫠
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#Papa passed#got to see him today just before#he couldn’t talk and his eyes didn’t move together#dad wasn’t sure if he could hear or understand us#I think he could#his one responsive eye would follow my dad’s phone when he was video calling with his sisters (papa’s daughters)#and he moved his lips like he was trying to say something#and his arm would shake like he was trying to reach out and eventually i touched him arm very gently and he stopped shaking#*his#i think he may have been trying to reach out to me or dad#and when dad talked to him about how Ken and Sonya were going to come visit him tomorrow#or Mic next week#his eyebrows would scrunch and his eyes would get more teary#(his eyebrows were the mostly clearly responsive part of him)#*most#and i couldn’t tell then if it was because he didn’t think he would make it until then#or if he didn’t want to because he was in too much pain#i think now that it was the former#we told him as we left that we loved him and wanted him to rest#he’s resting now#i loved him so much but it was hard to see him in the last two years#at first because he wasn’t really there mentally#and by the last few months because he was clearly in so much discomfort#he passed knowing he was loved and that we wanted him to be comfortable#it’s still hard#but it’s easier knowing that this was probably what he was ready for#personal
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Dude today I went to an adult Easter egg hunt and then when I got home I watched a campy ass movie inspired by From Dusk Til Dawn featuring drag queens and it was fucking great
Being an adult is fucking awesome man this was a fun ass Easter
#ramblings#dude: if you have at least four friends and someone owns a house have an adult Easter egg hunt#it’s so much fun#there were six of us total and my competitive ass didn’t win any rounds but tied twice so#and when I say adult Easter egg hunt it’s not involving alcohol it’s literally just hunting for Easter eggs#granted there are rules in each of the eggs like blue means go get your beverage and hydrate and stuff like that#but like you gotta know: being an adult doesn’t mean you have to give up on fun stuff you just have to surround yourself with fun folks#also yeah that movie slapped it was so much fun#I am not ready for work tomorrow but I have bfast food and that’s the minimum lol
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he goes on to say “If we do not oppose [eroticism] we must no longer consider it objectively as something outside ourselves”.
my twin’s thesis
“hot girl relishes in gore and grotesque visions b/c they know that to be alive is to be disgusting and to be disgusting is to, be close to god, thank you”. Yah Yah Scholfield, [posted on their tumblr “fluoresensitive”]
“Filth is God. God is Filth”. “through disease, through rot we reach God”. CUPIDCORE, unreleased [both]
“The sanitization of simply being is criminal and routinely results in dangerous consequences— I am human; with a body capable of repulsive things— still taboo to speak about even though we all experience ~bodily functions. Gross is godly for grime is real, true, raw” o.o mim, copied from an ask pending to be sent. yes, i even have draft text messages <3
“God rapidly and almost entirely loses his terrifying features, his appearance as a decomposing cadaver, in order to become, at the final stage of degradation, the simple (paternal) sign of universal homogeneity”. Georges Bataille, “The Use Value of D. A. F. de Sade (An Open Letter to My Current Comrades)” in Visions of Excess (Translation by Allan Stoekl)
“And what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the Greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? To throw off the chains of being for an instant, to shatter the accident of our mortal selves? Euripides speaks of the Maenads: head thrown I back, throat to the stars, ‘more like deer than human being’. To be absolutely free! One is quite capable, of course, of working out these destructive passions in more vulgar and less efficient ways. But how glorious to release them in a single burst! To sing, to scream, to dance barefoot in the woods in the dead of night, with no more awareness of mortality than an animal! These are powerful mysteries. The bellowing of bulls. Springs of honey bubbling from the ground. If we are strong enough in our souls we can rip away the veil and look that naked, terrible beauty right in the face; let God consume us, devour us, unstring our bones. Then spit us out reborn”. Donna Tartt, “The Secret History”
“we are flesh, it is unjust to pretend flesh does not rot”. O.O Mim, “A letter to my Anhedönia”
“The first thing God made is love then comes blood and the thirst for blood”. George Seferis, translated by Edmund Keeley, from Collected Poems; “Stratis Thalassinos Among the Agapanthi”
then he hits us with this
like… let me kiss you with tongue but you can’t go around saying that bae, or liberals on twitter will cancel us 💔
#evidence of life#alexandria froze over#i didn’t get to rid much this morning because i had an appointment 9:00 am and i still have a lot to do if i am to be ready for tomorrow#read*#I’m shaking more the usual everyday shakes like I’ve press the wrong these many times already today *waluigi voice* wahhh#wrong BUTTONS* so you’re seeing this in real time#please credit the quotes if using#<- I don’t wanna say that every book club post but I am paranoid <3
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I understand the negativity bc this season did throw us for a loop BUTTTT I’m here and I’m just gonna enjoy the content we get. That scene was great. It set up the conflict, saw them spiral into their old habits, and confirmed a shit ton of Tarlos fanon. It can only get better lol
there’s definitely always valid criticisms to be had—i’ve had them too!! this show is not perfect and does not always stick the landing and the writing can be sloppy—but the main thing i’m thinking abt is like. to not judge something before we’ve even seen it. i feel like every season we go over this ajdnskd and i could go on about the clip but it’s not even just about this episode, negativity has been ramping up in general and it makes being genuinely excited about things a little more difficult. so—yeah i’m with you in enjoying the content we get and i’m looking forward to how this shows more of who they are as a couple. they’ve basically come out and said that this isn’t a reason to worry: that they’re stable and on the same page, they just need to…communicate to get to that page, which is what they’ve been saying happens. a kids conversation should’ve happened before but we’re finally seeing this development on screen, we’re seeing this communication and discussion with two valid opinions, and we’re seeing it on their road to deciding to spend together forever. we see it all actually play out tomorrow, we just have to wait and see.
#all about curating your fandom experience but when the show’s one of your few bright spots no matter what it’s fucking hard to not feel….#dumb? idk#but i will be here tomorrow night excited and ready to go#answered#anonymous#ik you didn’t ask for this whole thing so sorry anon but the gist of it is that i get the bulk of where you’re coming from!
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cheers to this guest lecturer for nearly giving me a heart attack making me think there was a paper due tomorrow that i hadn’t even heard about so i couldn’t focus the rest of the lecture and like rushed home and opened the site to find there was nothing at all
#when you’re gone for a week and only check your email (which sends notifs when assignments are due in 24 hours) and nothing else#it is not difficult to be convinced that A Big Thing Is Happening That You Didn’t Know About#i already (for shame) had an awkward experience in german class today#the entire class session was spoken entirely in german about a comic we were meant to have read and i only minimally participated#the prof afterwards was like ‘did you manage to follow along ok?’ and i had to tell him yeah i fully understood the conversation#i just didn’t contribute words of my own bc um. i didn’t have any material from which to draw forth words#which is tooooootally on me i could have and should have done the reading while away#he’s been nice and forgiving but i couldn’t teehee my way out of that one#and yet somehow he still was like ‘oh do you want me to postpone your quiz on friday’ SIR you are being way too nice#i completely do not deserve an extension on any of this i ran away to another continent for a week just for funsies#i easily could’ve done the work and studying i just kind of Suck it’s my own fault i should’ve been more responsible#so i told him oh no no i can fully handle doing all this work in the next two days and i’m fully ready to study for this quiz#which like. let’s be real based on what i heard in class today uhhh yeah this should be a cakewalk i am far more skilled than he realizes#i still have to study but like. the last minute grind is what i do best i’m genuinely not concerned and ik good resources if i get stuck#peach rambles#but anyway about this guest lecturer guy. he was talking about meditation and mentioned stuff that might be distracting us#and said something about ‘that paper you have due tomorrow in this class’#twice#which made me FLIP#i guess he was referring to a theoretical paper in a theoretical class?#that might be theoretically causing stress#because we don’t have this class physically tomorrow and there’s nothing open online due tomorrow so there can’t be anything#but like sheesh bro
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Halfway awake and I still have to add eyes to my student’s whales so you know what that means: time to turn on the marathon playlist
#they might beat me up and scream at me if I don’t hang them up tomorrow :/ :/#they nearly did it today#I took down their strawberries (FROM MAY) and said ‘I’m getting ready to put up your whales!!’#and all afternoon: ‘Kristen bby bluga whale!! bby bluga!!!! Kristen!!!!!’#‘I have to take them home and add eyes!!’ they didn’t like that :/
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me, looking at my inbox to see one heart-crushing ask followed by a bunch of fluff:
#ASDFG I’VE BEEN ATTACKED#I DIDN’T KNOW THAT MEME EVEN /HAD/ SAD OPTIONS#the fluff is gonna be frikkin great but pray for me when i sit down to write asdf#anyway i hope y’all had a good day!!! i’ll be home soon to bug y’all!#and then i got tomorrow off B)))#get ready to ramble | ooc
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