#i did this literally forever ago and never posted it i dont think

[v4guelyv4mpiric]

missing him already

[bradycore]

my guilty pleasure headcanon for post cage sam & lucifer (ie s11/12 etc) is that they act like they're on equal footing. and this got way out of hand so under the cut it goes.

obviously there's still a huge power imbalance but in the moment neither of them ever think about it that way. lucifer doesnt see sam as some lowly human who should be scared of him because 1) he does have some respect for how sam was able to overpower him, 2) being his vessel and having demon blood outweighs sam's humanity in lucifer's eyes, and 3) if lucifer thought of sam as his victim he'd be thinking of himself as having done something wrong and he would prefer to make sam take some responsibility for what lucifer did to him. sam doesnt see HIMSELF as some lowly human who should be scared of lucifer because 1) he also chooses not to think about their dynamic as abuser-victim for the sake of blaming himself, 2) he knows lucifer almost as well as lucifer knows him and having shared knowledge and experiences does put them on more equal footing, and 3) lucifer lets him fight back a lot. did he actually have any power over lucifer in the cage? no, but that just means he had nothing to lose by arguing and physically fighting against lucifer, and lucifer engaged with it, and at some point sam's body just couldn't bother with flight or freeze anymore.

probably also they just had normal conversations sometimes like you cant convince me lucifer spent centuries just physically torturing a person he has a unique bond with and would never have gotten bored or felt like actually interacting with him. so i think after that much time in that close proximity they would be very familiar with each other--which doesnt mean sam wouldnt get scared around him, but hes existed around lucifer for much much longer than not, has already gone through every possible thing that lucifer can do to him, and is probably quite good at compartmentalizing and adapting himself to different moods with lucifer.

so in practice we have one person who's much more powerful than the other and has traumatized them beyond belief, but also they just get into arguments sometimes. like lucifer will make one of his snarky, awful comments about sam and sam, who cant allow himself to get angry with literally anyone else because it might make things worse with them but who has been in a state of Worse with lucifer for as long as they've known each other, will snap back something about his daddy issues and then they'll just start yelling and lucifer never actually bothers to escalate it to physically harming sam. or sam will go to him with questions about enochian translations and they'll switch out of english for a while, or if they agree on something they'll argue their opposition down without even glancing at each other bc they know how the other thinks, or they'll spend hours theorizing and analyzing something together bc sam knows about it from lucifer telling him in the cage.

and sometimes they'll make disturbing comments that reference how lucifer tortured sam or how fucked up the cage was, but they'll act like they're just mentioning a past dispute or a shared mild trauma. they'll have age-old arguments that get into really dark callbacks and threats but their body language and tone will be that of a divorced couple bickering over who dropped whose favorite mug five years ago. they'll bring up things about each other's pasts and families and mental issues, both in casual conversation and to levy against each other, that their siblings are the only other ones to know about. sometimes lucifer will throw something at sam in frustration. sometimes sam will stab lucifer in the hand in anger. then they'll carry on as normal.

like at a stranger's first glance, they're two people who've known each other forever but dislike each other. but for anyone who knows their past its insane to observe. they dont hide or ignore their history of centuries of horrible stuff, but the only influence it has on how they interact is that they will say and do anything to each other. this is my favorite way of seeing them and i need to stop talking about it now

[lucksea]

THE ZERO RAMBLES

just found this post from last july in my drafts and i was like u know what... i think its time to take it out of the microwave. nothing impactful is here but i figure i should post proof from 6 months ago of the fact that zero makes me insane

PART 1: HIS ISSUES

i talk about this all the time but its because it drives me nuts. you cannot just banish a 16 year old to a hell planet, put him in training weight-power armor, and have him fight one guy over and over for an undetermined but clearly extended amount of time, presumably with very few breaks, and then have GOD show up once hes like 20 and tell him that hes the messiah of his species, that the guy who banished him was actually his father (?!) who is dying, and zero needs to go fight Space Satan to save him, only to have said father die in his arms, so then zero kills space satan like 2 times, and goes to multiple other universes, and talks to A DIFFERENT GOD, and dies like twice, and gets a bunch of crazy powers- you cant have all of that happen to one singular guy and just expect me to believe that he was normal about it all. HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHY HE WAS BANISHED UNTIL HE WAS ALLOWED TO LEAVE. IT WAS STATED THAT NOBODY TOLD HIM WHY TOUCHING THE PLASMA SPARK WAS BAD UNTIL HE PASSED HIS TEST. NOBODY WAS TELLING ZERO ANYTHINGGGGGGG IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!! in the same fucking movie that he shows up in we see ultra babies and children, which means that zero was BORN (from a tube apparently). WHAT DO YOU MEAN he didnt know seven was his dad. he seemed to have some knowledge or relationship with seven beyond knowing him as a leader figure. how did he not know. where is zeros other parent. why do we not know literally anything about them other than that they were possibly blue and presumably a woman. if zeros other parent isnt in the picture to the point of never even being MENTIONED, and zero had no idea seven was HIS LITERAL DAD, WHO THE FUCK RAISED HIM??? no wonder he tried to touch the plasma spark! the guy could have been an orphan for all we know! we dont know ANYTHING about his childhood except that his dad for some reason didnt claim him, and instead just watched over him from a distance! (I HAVE MY OWN OPINION ON THOSE IMPLICATIONS FOR SEVEN but that is another post)

so with all that being said. i think that Cool Guy Persona he puts on his at the very least halfway fake. and his attempts at being normal are transparent to me. i know he is not normal. i know he has problems.

PART 2: THE RAMIFICATIONS

when we first see zero, 45 minutes into his debut film, hes nothing like the character he eventually is known as. hes ANGRY and EXHAUSTED, understandably so. there are a few moments, if i remember correctly, where he gives some kind of snarky comment to Leo- something like "ill definitely get you this time!"- but lets be honest, even when youre a creature that lives forever, if youre trapped in a sandstorm for a thousand years you have to learn to think positive or else youre gonna go insane. even when he saves the tiny pigmon, his kindness is colored by a sense of resignation. his voice is quiet and ragged. the way he tells the pigmon to run implies that he doesnt even think Leo will stop, as if he believes Leo would let the pigmon get injured (which i really dont think is true). this is another implication that zero was probably not given breaks during this "training". if he thinks Leo wouldn't stop in his attacks to spare the life of a tiny creature, why would he assume Leo would stop because Zero was getting tired? we dont know whether this assumption was actually proven right, or if that's just what zero believed from the moment he got there, and he never gave Leo the chance to prove otherwise. We do know that Leo is very intense due to his own training from Seven. I doubt he ever went easy on zero

then, after zero spares the pigmon, seven's slugger crashes onto the planet and ultraman king reveals the backstory zeros been missing. belial tried to steal the spark, seven is his dad, etc etc. so zero ventures off to defeat the bad guy. not even given the chance to recover from being STUCK IN A SANDSTORM FOR LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS. (it might have been 900 since his wiki says hes 5,900 and i think he was 5,000 when he was banished i dont remember for sure. thats still a crazy long time. 900 years in a sandstorm fighting some guy is a lot) so he goes off and meets his dad as his dad for the first time, only for said dad to die in his arms. seven ends up being fine, because this is ultraman and they never die, but zero doesnt have meta awareness (yet..?!), he doesnt know that, so he thinks his dad just straight up died 3 minutes into them being a family. thats something abt zero that fascinated me kind of instantly, having watched his special after watching all of geed. the movie states that zero defeats belial for the good of the universe, and im sure that that was partly why, but it is also SO clearly a personal vendetta. belial was the first person to try to steal the plasma spark. belial is why zero was banished. belial killed zero's dad. zero beats the shit out of belial, and presumably kills him, because he's finally found someone to blame for everything that's gone wrong with his life. there could have been justice, but it was mostly rage. he kills belial out of a desire for vindication. and it is only after this that zero starts acting Cool. its mostly in revenge of belial that he starts actually doing that, and my friend damien pointed out something i found interesting while we've been watching geed together (i'm rewatching it, it's his first ultraman show).

zero has a certain semi-arrogant, semi-suave personality that he carries with him, and the aforementioned cool guy/mature mentor persona that he puts on when he's talking to riku. and if being a cool mentor or a suave hero doesn't solve a situation, zero IMMEDIATELY falls into Hyper-Aware Warrior Mode. this was pointed out to me during the scene near the beginning of Geed, where Fukuhide Kei is displaying his master plan at the press conference. with hindsight it strikes me a bit odd that Zero, who seems to care so much about how other people perceive him, would be so like idk unphased by the crowd. hes almost like a robot in a sense, he's furious in a cold sort of way at Kei, and he doesn't seem to care about the people watching. he holds back from initiating a fight only because he knows that's what Kei wants, and he knows that the people in the building could get hurt if a fight broke out. But it's weird to see Zero, who is so dramatic he's practically a showman, behave in such a way, isn't it? this is why i think the drama is falsified in order to make himself more approachable. if i spent a considerable amount of my life the way zero did, i would probably also find it very important to make sure people don't want to leave me again. it seems very understandable, that he would create a persona befitting of The Universe's Protagonist. he already has so many expectations placed on him, so what's one more? but here, in the press conference scene, we see a more honest part of him. he's a little older, sure, he's smarter, but i think he's still very angry. i think there's still a part of him that remembers thinking his only way out is to fight.

but outside of, and sometimes inside of combat, he doesnt really show that side of him. he has an audience to perform for. and perform he does- have you SEEN that guy fight? he poses as much as he attacks. honestly he's posing pretty much constantly. posing while brooding. posing after showing up to change the course of a fight. posing languidly on a rock for some reason while his friends argue (i love you ufz). this also makes the moments where he drops the poses and enters that, like, Default Stance more fascinating to me. there's a level of Get Serious where he enters heroic protagonist that can do anything mode, and also a level of Get Serious where he shuts up and locks in

PART 3: THE IMPACT OF COMPANIONSHIP

one of the best parts of revenge of belial (and i guess killer the beatstar to a lesser extent) was that it gave zero a cast of friends to bounce off of. its fun to see another way he gets to shine outside of his Protagonist Aura- the way he jokes and fights with his friends feels more genuine than a lot of his dialogue with other characters. he forms a pretty real bond with Mirror Knight, Glenfire and Jean-Bot that feels valuable to him. but i think that value itself also pushes him to perform. now, he has something to lose. that can be terrifying for a guy who's lost everything like twice already.

its literally 1 in the morning as im writing this bc i laid in the dark for an hour and couldnt sleep and then spent an hour getting this far so i cant phrase this as good as i want to, but i think part of the sort of Frat Energy the zero defense force has is zero experiencing what its like to have friends his age who are similar to him and becoming quietly but deeply, whats the word, determined? to not let that go. hes both so adamant on doing everything himself and so pleased to have people around him. hes been made into a spectacle and hes fully embraced it. he's The Hero. The Hero is cool and handsome and suave and powerful, so he must be all of these things too, right? again, expectations. maybe he even genuinely enjoys it. i'm sure it must be nice on some level to be The Hero, with everyone singing your praise and depending on you. the weight of it must also be crushing, though. Zero is a member of a species notoriously seen as gods in-universe to their own chagrin (Shin Ultraman touches on this best, but i think its acknowledged in some way in most shows that Ultraman may be strong, but he is far from an invincible god). but not only is he a member of, he is in some ways THE Ultraman, even moreso than the one they all call that. Zero is the only one who can traverse multiverses at will, who carries the power of Noa, who can CONTROL TIME WHENEVER HE WANTS (and at the cost of his physical form, which is crazy, the way he got those powers even moreso, holy shit). i wouldnt say that zero is a direct Jesus figure because his story doesnt really match the concept of a biblical figure at all except for fighting belial, but he is definitely a more general messiah figure to me. hes lived and died for the Ultra cause multiple times. he patrols the multiverse with his buddies to ensure peace. but he never really stays in one place

yet another issue i think he definitely has... Commitment... i think, even if all the other members of the zero defense force were to go back to their homes or find new ones, zero would still be roaming around by himself. we only see him on the Land of Light for like, maybe 15 minutes total across his two movies. at the end of Mega Monster Battle Galaxy, there is a shot that shows almost painfully clear how distant he feels from the rest of his kind- at the end, before he and seven unite, when a small crowd walks around him and Zero watches, unmoving, unacknowledged. he watches parents with a new baby walk by him, doting over their child. he watches friends race past, rejoicing. and zero is alone.

the thing is, that desert planet was definitely not his home, but i dont think the land of light is either. even after they welcomed him back, he feels out of place, maybe even unwanted. he doesnt belong there. he belongs out, in space, literally. in space as in between places, where he is nothing more than a concept to all of the people who know him. there is an image in their minds of who he is meant to be, and he has no interest in changing that image, so he's the most content when he can be nothing else. even when seven, who seems to talk to him with a sort of gentleness that is genuine, tells him how proud he is of zero, how zero will never be alone- theres still an expectation of greatness. a shadow cast over them both. (that land of light in general seems to cast such a fascinating shadow dont you think?)

i, the viewer, and perhaps you who may be reading this one day, know that Ultraman is a story about compassion and harmony, and most importantly, love. ultraman loves the universe, and all the people in it, regardless of their ability. i think Seven loves Zero no matter what. but i dont think Zero knows that. i dont think anybody has ever made it clear to him that he could be worth something inherently, without trying.

and all of these things are reasons why i need to rip him apart with my teeth

[sonicspacecadet]

Fantasy princes bossnoeul and fortpeat

I thought of this awhile ago bc of the boss and noeul pics but there's no way in hell I can do this full length so I did a little brainstorm

Fae Prince! Boss / Vampire Prince! Noeul

Neither live forever theres just a notably longer lifespan for both

Both species basically just hit like 25ish and just age super slow then die looking fairly young

Fae and vampires have had a deep rivalry for centuries but the ones alive when it started are long dead and no one really understands what its over

They meet at like a gala thing for the royalty of all the species

They talk a little but with the rivalry are too nervous to do more than small talk

They leave having a neutral/positive impression

They repeatedly see each other at events and find themselves subconsciously make there way to a private spot to talk and become friends that way

Somewhere in there they fall for each other

They dont really let the rivalry stop them from being together but they know they could never tell anyone

They go on little dates walking through the human world where no one will recognize them

Eventually they get caught boss’s family are LIVID 

Noeul’s family are upset for a very short period of time but ultimately they love him more than they care about some rivalry that they dont dont know why it exists

They meet boss as their sons bf and absolutely adore him and see that he is perfect for their son

Boss gets disowned and thrown out

Noeuls family basically go “fuck it youre ours now”

Nouels coronation ends up uniting the two species as he is beloved by his people and if he trusts boss than they do too

Both groups basically go to HATE boss’s parents bc “how dare you throw our prince out on the streets” (idc how unrealistic that is)

Fae and vampires come to be the strongest allies

I have less for fort peat but I got some

Werewolf Price! Fort / Siren Prince! Peat

Their obstacle is more environmental

Peat can go on land whenever he wants but is super sensitive when on land for more than a few hours

Ie: he gets sick and weak

Mandatory Peat Trauma (™) is that he had a warlock bf at one point that didn’t think he stayed the night often enough and put a spell on him that prevented him from going to the water and he got so sick he almost died

All of the kingdoms found out and the warlock was basically banished

Because of that the sirens are super protective when they find out hes dating fort

They see them together and are immediately like ��oh nvm hes literally obsessed with Peats its all good”

Their dates are usually on the beach

Fort sits in the water so Peat doesn't have to get out

The siren song doesn't just lure sailors to the death its more like it sways others moods and they've just had to use it that way as protection

Peat uses it on fort post full moon to help him relax

Both families adore them

Fort ends up buying a beach house that looks out over the water near the sirens kingdom

[thisonetimeinmeridian]

The fact that people still get Arya and Gendry's characters wrong to this day gets my blood boiling. I literally saw someone on Reddit say Gendry wouldn't have let Arya be herself?! And it got so many upvotes??? Like what the fuck??!! That person said she also wouldn’t be happy with Gendry and someone responded they wouldn't actually be equals because that's too "unrealistic" and "happy." Um hello? There are multiple women in the GOT universe shown ruling and being independent in spite of societal norms.

I'm getting mad over the final season all over again. I need to calm down. Other (wrong) people might thing Arya is a loner or a nomad or a pirate or an emotionless assassin who doesn't care about anyone, but really, all that is is trauma. Like she started her list and quest for revenge due to the trauma of loosing her family and all that death and violence.

She just needs to heal first. I was mad at the time, but I think a year at sea will be good for her. Give her time to self-reflect. To unpack all her trauma and everything she's done. I have a sinking feeling my girl thinks she isn't worthy of love anymore and that her family and Gendry will think she's a monster. We know that's not true. But does she?

She's not gonna roam the seas forever. She'll go back to her family eventually. And when she does, I think her journey would only last a year, I think she'll reunite with Gendry and settle down with him. She'll be like Lyanna Mormont. Untraditonal. Honest. Independent. Fighter. She can still ride horses and do all things she loves and still want to get married to him eventually and have kids.

I dont see why it has to be one or the other? Lyanna's mom, Maege Mormont, did that. Why can't Arya? That's what pisses me off, that people think just because you're a tomboy doesn't mean you dont want love or romance. And I don't entirely blame these people since the show is bad at portraying different types of women and how, yes, even a tomboy can want those things. It also didn't help that Arya was almost emotionless in seasons 7 and 8.

Anyway, how the fuck can they think that about my boy Gendry?!?!? Justice for him. This post I'm ranting about was from a year ago, but I can't help but be pissed off. He was drunk!!! He got his own last name wrong!!! He didn't know what he was saying!!! The only ladies he met at that point were Arya, Brienne, Sansa, Lyanna Mormont, and Daenerys. All who are independent, strong, respected, intelligent, and who don't dare have a man tell them who to be.

Of course he got confused!!! He already has a complex growing up as a lowborn blacksmith. So, of course, he'll get confused and think "oh Arya can be this type of lady, I've never met one before, but they seem fine. Not like a snob at all. Now Arya and I can be family and I can be worthy of her!"

Also, Maisie and Joe ship Gendrya and Maisie said in an interview she'd like Arya to be at peace with a hunk and all she needs to be convinced to do a sequel show is to have zips instead of laces and Joe said Gendry would die of a broken heart so suck it. Joe also said, "at least now not capable of that love," or something to that affect.

That person is wrong, and I'm mad at D and D all over again for ruining my one OTP who actually had a chance at being canon. So thanks, guys. Anyway, those interviews are on my blog somewhere. I reblogged them from someone if anyone who actually bothered or cared to look at this wants to find them or ask me to find them.

Rant over (for now).

[petite-guignol]

10 and 17 for the writing ask meme!

10: Shortest WIP I'm not sure what they mean by "shortest" but I think by any measure it's probably this Octopath Traveler thing that was intended to be the first of several 100-word drabbles, except I apparently stopped writing it mid-sentence and forgot about it forever. Did not even get to 100 words. embarrassing

17: Fics you'll continue next year well i really want to prioritize original stuff this year, but hopefully i'll be on top of things enough to write some fic too. of the stuff that 1) has actual writing associated with it and not just a blurb in an "ideas" doc and 2) hasn't been officially moved to the Graveyard folder, i think these are the ones i actually DO want to keep working on/hopefully finish: 1) FF14 - Golbez/Durante fic that started as just weird living armor smut but ended up getting really involved with flashbacks and shit. stalled out on it because i couldn't decide what Golbez looked like

2) FF14 - this emmanellain/honoroit fic i started writing when like Stormblood was current. its actually mostly done but i cant figure out how to end it and since it's been like 6 years i think i should probably make an effort to just like. figure something out. literally anything

3) Origfic - edit and figure out what to do with this necromancer/ghoul story i wrote in response to a prompt in some fic exchange ages ago and it ballooned into a novella, which i never quite finished so i never posted it. not sure if the intended recip is even still around honestly but i do kinda like it regardless

4) FF4 - i'm actually not 100% certain i will continue this but i started writing this Kain/Edward fic with background Kain/Golbez shit that was way up inside Kain's head, so it ended up being both extremely dark and not having a lot actually happening. idk i was just not sure where i was going with this but might revisit it

5) FF4 - the Feymarch Edward AU. hoo boy. ok the basic concept is that Rydia and Edward both end up clinging to the same piece of flotsam when Leviathan wrecks their ship, so he ends up swallowing both of them and Edward gets stuck in the Feymarch with Rydia. its mostly about their relationship and Edward figuring out how to navigate monster society as the only regular-ass human who has set foot in the Feymarch in centuries, getting embroiled in otherworld politics and Rydia's increasingly esoteric training and Golbez's scheme to acquire the dark crystals, that sort of thing. Until of course, without Edward around to help, the dark elf is like. effectively invincible and nobody can get the earth crystal. Golbez ends up cutting a cosmic-tier deal with the dark elf, shit hits the fan, Rydia and Edward have to leave the Feymarch early, etc etc.

it's complicated and i dont really know what im doing when it comes to writing long plotty fics and it involves SO much worldbuilding headcanon nonsense and i keep getting increasingly convoluted and niche ideas for it (scarmiglione is a major character? summoner edward?) but something about it keeps me coming back to poke at it

[back2bluesidex]

Idk if this is something you’d want to read but after reading your post about being lonely, i definitely feel the same way 😅 albeit probably a little different. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this feeling so i thought maybe i’d share this. I just started a seasonal job in retail at 22, ive never had a “real job” because since i was 14 i was considered the “family babysitter” & once i turned 16 i kept applying for jobs so i didnt have to keep babysitting, nothing worked out because i was always met with “you need more experience “ & i kept getting that until i was 20 (when i just gave up & accepted I’ll probably be a babysitter for family/family friends forever 🥲). Ive only really been surrounded by kids & family, my mom took me out of highschool in my 1st year because she hated the public school system & decided to “homeschool” (which was go get my ged at 18), so i never got to experience the highschool life & friends, i was pretty isolated. Aside from getting rejected from jobs constantly, i wasnt able to go to college after either because it was too much money & that “nobody would be at home watching kids”. So ive just constantly felt very alone & whenever i would mention it i was met with things like “dont be selfish. you should be thankful youre not out there in the world, it’s evil” etc etc. Along with the fact i dont know how to drive, i had a huge fear whenever i was 15/16 so i never learned then but when i was 18 i didnt have that anymore & wanted to. I was constantly trying to get people to teach me, but no one would and driving school costs a ton which i didnt have bc no paying job. That added on to that feeling & i kept feeling behind

So fast forward to now at 22, i was finally able to get a seasonal job at victorias secret and nov 4 was my first training day. I still have that feeling & now im just stressed about everything. They immediately put me on cash register & very vaguely explained things to me, so i wasnt the best when trying to check people out & i know in retail you’ll get horrible customers sometimes and that’s literally all i got. I was so overwhelmed & i did accidentally mess up someone’s change (which was fixed!) so i had them screaming at me 2 hours in my first training day. And i cant stop thinking about how inadequate i felt during that & that whole day really. I would get judgmental looks from the other workers when i would ask questions, because ive never done anything like this before. I kept getting looked at like i was stupid for not knowing things & that messed with me (still is). I dont think itll be like that entire time im there, im hoping at least.

And i still dont know how to drive, i tried once this year from my older sister but she started grabbing the wheel when i was trying to drive because she panicked (i was going in a straight line in a empty parking lot) & stated she’s never trying to teach me again. My younger cousins learned how, have their license and new cars already & i hate that i feel jealous and angry about it because it is family, but everyone who helped them constantly told me they couldn’t with me year ago & still now. I get subtle remarks of “your cousins can drive already/youre 22 & relying on others to drive you” etc. (they also all have jobs already & not a seasonal one like me) But yeah, i feel so alone & inadequate at literally everything, have for years. Breakdown all the time because i have no clue on what to do & i have no one to talk to about it.

Rant over, sorry for how long it is, im probably being dramatic too, there are people who have it worse than i do 😅 but yeah, i get that feeling! I do hope you feel better better about it 🫶🏻🤎

Don't say sorry! It's alright. Rather I am glad that you found me and my blog safe enough to share your troubles with.

and let me tell you that you are just 22. You still have a whole lot of time ahead to make money, to learn driving, to make friends, to enjoy life and do everything you want to do.

Don't ever think you are late or that time is slipping away from your clutches! It's not.

I am 25 and I can't even cook. Can you believe it? a 25 year old woman who can't even fry an egg properly while cooking is a basic survival skill? my friends can make a whole feast if they want to and I only know how to boil some instant noodles. At times this made me feel like an inferior too but no, none of us are inferior to one another because what I can't do - you can and what you can't do - I can. we are all lacking and it's okay.

Also, if those people made you feel like a fool just because they didn't train you properly then it's their fault, not yours. when you start working you need to learn one thing that is to make you skin thick. It's only you who needs to know the truth - that it's not your fault - and the rest of the world can go fuck off.

and what if you did some mistakes? we all are allowed to do so. mistakes are the only way we get to learn, isn't it?

So, please, darling. Cheer up! You have a ton of time to buy that car or get that job or tell people to fuck off when they ask you to watch their kids. Things aren't over yet. You are doing good. You will do even better tomorrow and one day you will be the best! I believe in you and I am proud of you!

even though I know we are basically strangers but just know this person right here, an elder sister to you, will always be proud of you no matter what!

if you want to talk, slide into my inbox any time. I will always welcome you!

Love you!! 💕💕💕💕

P.S: You should have charged for those babysitting sessions.

P.S.S: I, too, don't know how to drive. LMAO!

[atticsandwich]

nightbringer lesson 40 was bittersweet 🥲 the hard mode reunion felt indicative of something but we'll see.

spoilers but also not really but just in case under the cut

also this lesson more or less put lucifer in the forefront of my nightbringer suspects. i talked about having a theory about that months ago but i never got around to making a post about it 😵‍💫 the basic premise of the theory is that irl lucifer is also known as the light-bringer (morning star also calling to this, the phenomenon of a planet or star (most prominently sirius) appearing on the horizon before sunrise) so nightbringer might be a play off of this OR the fact that the moon's light itself is a reflection from a star (sun) etc etc i cant really explain the nuance of my thought process here LMFAO

anyways one of my biggest calling points that made me think of luci=nb again is that during the scene when MC spends time with him in his study, he gives an angel's blessing and the game specifically highlights the moment he says "now... and the future" (too lazy to grab screenshots i am at the airport LMFAO) and while yes it could have simply been an overall statement of him wanting MC to be happy always, something about the way it's highlighted AND the fact that he also talked about being trapped forever in cocytus if not for the fact he met MC made me think about nightbringer's motives.

anyways. so now the finalized form of that theory is that nightbringer is lucifer of an alternate timeline where he (and his brothers) never got to meet MC and thus he never fully escaped cocytus

TO BE FAIR THIS THEORY HAS HOLES GALORE SO THIS IS JUST FOR FUNNNNN PLS PUT DOWN UR TOMATOES I AM NOT UR ENEMY HERE GO THROW THEM AT THAT PEDO TWITTER ARTIST KISA anyways. dont ask me about how it could be lucifer when nb is supposed to be the first demon. brother i do not know. although he COULD technically be the first angel turned demon...???? since lilith never got to turn demon before almost dying. hmm. there's some substance there but i am too lazy to pick it apart

"cas what about the whole time travel/multiverse travel thing" listen. it's lucifer. he could have learned how to do it LMFAO I AM RUNNING OUT OF STEAM HERE. but genuinely he's at least strong enough to break the chains that bound him to cocytus so that HAS to count for his power. right. although he did struggle in the small fight with dia that proceeded after. hmmm.

anyways. what really made me think of luci=nb in the first place was nb's mentioned reason for doing it in the first place - happiness. literally. and what does lucifer prioritize more than anything? his brothers' happiness (and after meeting MC, also theirs). it's literally the foundation of his character. his pride doesnt allow him to freely say it but literally everything this guy does is bc he thinks it's the best way to both protect and keep his brothers happy.

not the most interesting theory thanks to my lack of substantial text but i threw this together in like 30 minutes after finishing the lesson LMFAOOOO

[littlelcvestory]

thank you @wesperbrekkered for tagging me even though im so inactive on like all my fandom accounts 😭😭😭

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

i have 13 :)

2. What is your AO3 word count?

29,858 words 😭 thats kinda crazy for me ngl

3. What fandoms do you write for? 

my main is six of crows! my ao3 still has my fics from when i wrote solangelo tho lmao

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

sparks fly (whenever you smile) with 268 (wesper)

we were in screaming color with 244 (solangelo)

Doctor Death (god this fic is so old i hate it 😭) with 236 (solangelo)

i wanna teach you how forever feels with 221 (wesper)

time can't stop me quite like you did with 205 (i wrote this for a school assignment, it's from the book they both die at the end)

i strongly dislike this list mainly because of solangelo being on there and how long ago i wrote those fics because theyre really bad now 😭 perhaps leave more kudos on my wesper fics :)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? 

YES it makes me so happy that people enjoyed what i wrote. i'd like to say it's author fuel but i have not touched any of my fics since august but they ARE author serotonin

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

it's either time can't stop me quite like you did (because he literally d!es) but none of my SoC fics have angsty endings, because none of them have endings. haha

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhh i'd say it would be i wanna teach you how forever feels purely because it's a cute domestic post-ck wesper

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i dont think im widespread enough to have haters on my fics tbh 😭

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? 

nope, i am literally 16 !! although i have written a few very intimate passages but theres also taught you the way you call me baby which is the closest i'll ever get for now

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

my wesper romeo and juliet au like fire and powder that i havent touched since august! this was like my most big brain idea ever but i'm torn between discarding it and starting from scratch or continuing as it is right now

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

i dont think so, and i hope not !

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? 

no :)

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

also no

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? 

wesper. next!

15. What’s a WIP you’d like to finish but doubt you ever will?

THE ROMEO AND JULIET AU I AM CRYING i need to continue it as soon as possible oh lord

16. What are your writing strengths?

not sure tbh! i do find writing dialogue easy but it also leads to my downfall sometimes which i'll explain in the next question

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

inner monologues, because they jump around too much and i eventually stray from the original thought. or anything thats not closely tied to a character ... i'm really strong with character driver things but if you hand me a plot, i'm gonna struggle (which may be why the r&j au is failing LMAO) and how i said with dialogue, it ends up being dry and makes the scene move a little too fast. i'm really bad at slowing down scenes 😭

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? 

never done it before hehe

19. First fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson, i think

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

my romeo and juliet au because its the most ambitious thing i ever tried to accomplish. i really want to get back to it because i'm still so intrigued by the idea of it and i was shocked i wrote 10k for the first chapter but it felt like it was being squeezed out of me... i'll do my best to get back to writing i've had insane weiters block (no thanks to school 🙄)

thanks for tagging me rae :) i'm tagging @artsypretzel @jazzythursday and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it :)

[odysseys-blood]

This is literally the first time ever ill do one of these after being tagged in ig bc i always forgot! anyways got tagged by @taketheringtolohac for a "9 people you want to get to know better" game!

Last Song: Sway - A Trak & AJ Christou ft. Duckwrth

i luv duckwrth and this song is super wavy someone come dance to it with me

Favorite color: Idk what to call it like a wine purple? this thang and similar shades

i also rly like deep reds too. if u ever notice i accidentally tend to use mainly the red-blue portion of the color wheel in art and its not a concious decision either it just kinda happens and i try to steer away from it every once in a while and it never sticks.

Currently Watching: nothing rly!

it takes me forever to start watching things and get through them. The last series i finished I think were Witchblade and Link Click abt a month or so ago. I was also planning to watch yuri kuma sometime soon bc i remembered ppl posting about it but i never watched it while it was airing, as well as a rewatch of banana fish bc my brother brought it up bc he was using it as a topic for his paper recently????? i dont even know why he knows it but oh. well i guess. was also gonna watch mignon but the art style is getting me and my city hunter plans have been dashed by the sheer volume of episodes scaring me for now

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: i like them all!

not sure i rly prefer one over the others but i like to bake so maybe sweet. did you know my baking enemy is cookies idk what it is but if im making my own from scratch somehow they always turn out wrong. fav thing to bake is cinnamon rolls i just havent done any in a while bc they take so long (also bc i wanna do peach cobbler style cinnamon rolls which ive done before! but that takes extra long bc of the extra toppings you have to make)

Relationship Status: who want me

Current Obsession: ok prefacing this with these r not good games and im gonna censor the names so they dont show up in tags

i got into some eroge gacha named wh*t in hell is bad back in october and it has not let up since. i filled an entire sketchbook almost w/ doodles of my mc. also replayed through nu c*rnival recently bc they added voice overs for almost the entire game for the second anniversary (ive been playing since maybe 3 months after its release). everything is on the backburner to me rn besides these games and maybe the everyday maintenance of shinozaki bc im thinking abt finishing it bc i love it. anyways forget abt those last two and look at shinozaki

Last Thing You Searched: list of mythical weapons

this was not for anything important except that i rly wanna get a black cat and name it excalibur (nicknamed cali for short). however excalibur is exclusively for if i get the litte black kitty of my dreams but if i get a cat w/ another coat eventually i have to pick a different name so i was brainstorming.

i didnt think this was so long (///￣ ￣///)

anyways ill tag @meicheesecake @feluka @beepiiboop @nil-number @theunstablejester @luminousrabbittt @scamoosh @tilapiamafia and im forgetting names but if u wanna do one then tag ur it ☆〜（ゝ。∂ )

[remuswriting]

ooh good luck with going back to college!! when u do go back (even tho its still a while away) try not to stress too much!! obviously its inevitable and if u need a break from writing here dont doubt urself!! also fall aesthetic in theory is great but where i live we skip spring and fall its basically only winter (40-50 F) and summer (100-110 F) ���💔 and TRUST i will be reading all those fics u recommended 🙂‍↕️ even tho ive never read obey me LMAO DUDE FIRST WORDS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES THAT UVE WRITTEN like i said earlier i didnt really like tsukishima but like the way u write him??? beautiful. like yns whole thing abt passion and how he couldnt fall in love bc tsukishima wasnt passionate?? DEVASTATING but it was so well written u did so well 🙏🏽🙏🏽 and yea a lot of ppl tend to not like ocs and tbh i dont think i read the ocs one uve written but ill read them after 🙂‍↕️

anyways here are my answers

1. tbh i really dont LMAO i feel like im down to read most tho there are a few i do like oikawa/iwaizumi and akaashi/bokuto more tho im pretty basic LMAO

2. im a forever fan of friends to lovers 🙂‍↕️ i feel like its the most realistic one and its always sweet another one i enjoy is fake dating LMAO idk why i think its so good i ALWAYS eat that up 🙏🏽 but one trope i lowk HATE is enemies to lovers bc like a lot of writers will make it more like evil ass bully x victim and i js cant understand that 😭

okok so i also have 2 questions left and i really liked one of yours so im taking it

1. whats ur favorite to trope (to read and to write)

2. do u have any pets or like a dream pet

My OC fics are incredibly angsty, so beware of that. However, I've had people tell me they like how angsty they are so.

I have a million Haikyuu ships that I like, but I am a die hard hinata/kenma & hinata/atsumu shipper. My favorite ships all have Hinata in them, though, which is because he is my favorite character. I think I have a list of all my favorite ships somewhere and there are like 31 on there. I am the multishipper people warn you of.

I don't like enemies to lovers in contemporary fiction. It is literally only a fantasy/sci-fi trope to me. Like it's either a bully romance or they hate each other because of a miscommunication. What's even worse is typically they're not even enemies. I believe that for it to be enemies to lovers, at least one of them must be making an effort to kill the other. Hating someone is not the same as enemies.

1. Okay, my favorite tropes. I have way too many answers (kind of).

So, friends to lovers is my favorite trope overall. I could literally write an essay about how friends to lovers is so good, especially when it's gay. The angst of loving your best friend so much that it hurts but not being able to tell them because you fear they will leave you. Oh, it's so good. I am so much more likely to read a fic if it's friends to lovers.

I will say that soulmate AU is another favorite of mine, not to the extent of friends to lovers. I'm pretty sure I've read every completed atsuhina soulmate au fic on ao3. College AU is another good one.

In terms of writing, I tend to just write friends to lovers the most. It just comes very natural to me, especially for longer narratives. So, we're going to exclude that one. I know I've only ever written (posted) one soulmate au fic, but I loved writing it. There's a lot of lore I came up with that did not make it in the fic sadly. This isn't exactly a trope, but it is something I enjoy writing, which is canon compliant. I really love fitting stories into the Haikyuu universe without disrupting it too much. Like the Nishinoya fic I posted today is a good example of it, but I think a lot of my fics don't change canon too much when I've labeled it canon compliant. That may be a boring answer, sorry.

2. I have a dog named Daedalus and a cat named Ash! Daedalus is a shipoo and Ash is gray. (We got him from the pound 12 years ago idk what breed he is.) Ash is roughly 13-14 and Daedalus is 7.

We've reached the end of 20 questions, which means we're friends now since we know everything about each other now. Thank you for participating.

[angelicgaming1007]

You know what sucks?

I go to reblog some amazing art only to find out its from that one artist on tumblr who has me blocked for literally no damn reason. Never talked to them, never gotten in fights with someone on here besides anons that harass me, Never posted anything controversial, never interacted with them, literally dont know them outside of their art. They just blocked me forever ago. Sucks bc they are a good astarion artist and keep popping up on friends blogs or mutuals blogs and I keep trying to reblog and like their stuff only to be like "oh its them again"

Its pain- bc they did batstarion and I wanted to reblog so bad but I can't. They didnt block my friends who HAVE gotten into fandom fights. They dont block any specific side of the fandom, I dont post anything EXCEPT BG3 99% (which is 99% Astarion) of the time the other 1% of the time its memes or autism stuff or the random personal vent bc life can suck. so I have no idea why they specifically took the time to block me.

I can only speculate why they blocked me. 1. Maybe I post too much 2. Maybe Its because im so "violent" over bg3 talking about murdering the grove? I've had a few people get offended over that idk why. Like its fun to play an evil bastard in a video game. 3. Maybe because I posted my tavs maybe they despise OC posting. 4. Maybe bc I reblog gortash or raphael or some other character that isn't as popular as the main group and they just aren't interested? idk 5. Some of my friends suggested maybe they thought I was someone else and blocked the wrong person 6. Perhaps they thought I was a bot because I spam like and spam reblog without adding new tags. (I think its redundant to readd the same tags so I simply dont and have nothing else to tag with)

Still it sucks to be blocked in the creative circles when literally all I want to do is support artists and enjoy viewing beautiful art and writing. Especially since I USED to be able to access their page, USED to follow them, USED to like and reblog their art and now the reblogs and likes I made before, dont even exist on my profile anymore. Personally the only people I block is ones I know wont ever interact with my content bc theirs is vastly different such as anyone political thats reblogged or people who are overly aggressive attacking fans for literally no reason. So I really dont get it.

Its mildly annoying though since they are everywhere EVERYWHERE bc they are popular and I can't even LIKE their art and I haven't done sh*t all to them EVER.

[gibbearish]

this version of this post has been popping off recently which makes me really happy bc of how many people are learning they might have this disorder and it can be treated, however it is also a slight bummer because this version has a lot more info on how you can treat it yourself as well. so with that, i am once again requesting assistance, pls spread this version too if you can !! it really is helping people, ive been going through the notes today to direct ppl to that version and idk it just. makes me Feel Things knowing the good that's come of this? and wanted to share a few so ppl would know like. look what we did!! look at the people we helped!!!

(once again throwing the alt under readmore)

image id: screenshots of 11 sets of tumblr tags.

the first reads "#hold the FUCKING phone youre telling me im not the only one who couldnt fit a tampon in??? #man i had several people insist to me i was just doing it wrong #i knew i wasnt #dude if i had known this years ago i know what the first thing i bought with my first paycheck would have been i stg".

the second reads "#This is literally so important. #13 year old me needed this post so badly so please let the minors see it. #it is important to know about these kinds of things early on #it is important for children to know that their pain is abnormal so that it doesn't worsen. #i didn't know i had vaginismus until i was an adult #all i knew as a kid in a religious family was that I couldn't put a tampon in without excrutiating pain #and that i was one day going to be expected to "please" my husband #which was terrifying #for an extremely long time i had a phobia of sex and birth #still kind of do at the age of 26 #and it could have been prevented had i been allowed to know about ny body as a child".

the third reads "#Sex ed #i'm actually crying #Because i didnt know other people dealt with this. i thought it was just a 'oh poor little insecure 'virgin' '''girl''' thing #i can only fit one brand of tampon in. #this is probably way too personal but i feel seen because of this post so #i mean i knew about the dilators and therapy because of my close friend but i didnt know there was a name for this."

the fourth reads "#..... #today i learned i might have vaginismus #this is the second Nickle where tumblr taught me things about myself where it's not normal #tampons aren't supposed to hurt??? insane #no wonder i felt off about vaginal penetration but i thought that was the ace in me #still is about the ace in me but it's another thing too".

the fifth reads "#no yeah this is incredibly important #like. i started crying reading this #tmi obvi given the subject matter #but like. im ace! and i had just. given up on experiencing anything with that #because im ace and i can easily 'live without it' #the idea of it never being enjoyable and always being painful even tho im emotionally neutral on the act itself like #i thought 'well. that sucks but its fine cuz its not like i crave it. im ace. i don't need it' #when like. i CAN do it it doesnt HAVE to hurt theres things that can be done and it doesnt have to be scary and awful!!!! #i knew about the dilators for the longest time. they intimidated me out of getting help because #i just didnt think i could force myself through that regularly until it 'got better' #but i can use wearable toys!!!! it doesnt have to be awkward and stiff!!!!!!! i can get help and DO something about it oh my god #i finally stopped crying but oh my god".

the sixth reads "#resource #reference #wait wait wait #this is. a THING???? #i dont use tampons because its so painful to take them our!!! #and the only ones i can get IN are the smallest size #and it takes FOREVER because its SUPER uncomfortable #youre telling me this is an actual thing and i could treat it #????????".

the seventh reads "#oh? 👁️👄👁️ #today i learned i might have... vaginismus... #thank you for making this post and sharing it 🙏 #penetration even with smaller objects has always been painful for me and i never knew why 🥲 #tmi".

the eighth reads "#SAVE #SCREAMS #on main bc its medical this is important shit".

the ninth reads "#long post #holy shit i may have to research this #would explain some things #vaginismus".

the tenth reads "#i wish id know this when i was younger #i grew up in a very religious household where purity culture was very strict #sex literally became traumatizing cuz it hurt so bad #i'm almost 30 now and working throufh that trauma and the pain of something i left untreated for a decade".

the last one reads "#OH MY GOD #THANK YOU #ARE YOU SHITTING ME #ive NEVER been able to put a tampon in and the one time i got one half-in hurt like hell #NO ONE EVER FUCKING TOLD ME THIS WAS A THING I THOUGHT I WAS JUST DOING IT QRONG #im actually crying oh my god #brb im gonna do some research #GOD FUCK #THANK YOU OP AND CONTRIBUTORS #save #save for later #important #vaginismus #sex ed". end description.

got a good grade in physical therapy because i ordered a sex toy life is fun

[thesingingrevolution]

your uh post about the debuts being celebrated, who was that about? if you don't mind me asking, who's uh debut wasn't/isn't being celebrated?

no it’s okay you can ask ! i usually leave it vague when i’m kinda mad i feel like it’s become a habit 😭

also im sorry it took forever for me to get back to you but i wanted to answer you properly and also my phone decided it wanted to die so i wasn’t able to answer earlier :(((

my post is about winwin from nct! (he’s my fav i’m so protective over him hhhhhhhhh)

idk how familiar you are with nct or the mess that it is lol but basically one of its subunits debuted on july 7th, 2016 (7 years ago today) and winwin was one of the original 7 members. his first group is called nct 127 and the 127 represents the longitude of seoul, but there’s also a theory/cute little thing saying that it also represents the number of members and how they were added:

7 + 2 + 1 = 10.

he was kind of phased out/removed from the group at the end of 2018, and there was never any announcement saying he left officially so the group has 10 members on paper but only 9 active members

a lot of fans have accepted he probably isn't coming back :( but the issue is the group got more popular after he left so to a lot of people he isn't super important especially cause solo/single unit stanning is really common in this fandom. also because he was neglected by the company he never really had a lot of lines/center parts/screen time so it's easier to "forget/ignore" him as horrible as it sounds :(

and it's unfortunate but a lot of people don't treat him well, and what baffles me is that he wasn't removed cause he did something wrong ;-; most of the time people dont like past members cause they were removed for problematic/illegal behavior but that's not the reason why (the reason is mostly political, since he is chinese and went to promote in the chinese unit wayv starting in jan. 2019, and to my understanding china occasionally has kpop bans it's easier to get around them if none of the members are in an explicitly kpop group such as nct 127. this is a whole complicated issue in itself and there's some discourse on twt rn about it (read the qrts if you want but be ready for drama lol))

a lot of his fans and wayv stans are much happier with how he is now, because he really opened up as a person and grew as an artist following his departure from the group. he was definitely limited before due to the neglect and also cause he occasionally got boxed in as being the cute guy everyone likes and dotes on but never really an artist or even person in his own right. also he struggled with korean sometimes so he got to express himself much better when surrounded by his chinese bandmates

(though it is really important to note that people push a narrative that he hated being in nct 127 and didn't really love the members which i think is very untrue, you can tell he really worked hard and enjoyed their music, he notably has a strong bond with many people in the group)

i love him in nct 127 and i think he was a very special addition to the group, i would welcome him back anytime <3 but i am happy to see him where he is now, more successful than ever before.

but here is the issue:

since most 127 stans see the group as 9, they celebrate the debut of nct 127 and its 9 active members (which is kinda ironic cause winwin debuted on 160707 but most of the active lineup (literally everyone except yuta and haechan) did not but i digress). due to the nature of nct, he debuted again in 2018 (nct u) and in 2019 (wayv). but his first debut, the day he became an idol, is july 7th, 2016. and what hurts is because when people celebrate the debut of the current 9 member group, they overlook the debut of an original member of the group. which is why later yesterday night i also praised a big fanacc for posting ot10 pics and videos. i dont mind people wanting the focus on the 9 active members more, but i think its weird to call youself a fan of the group or an nctzen and ignore the debut of a member so blatantly :( there are random journalists who were posting articles but someone who claims to be ot20 or ot22 or ot23 or ot25 ot ot26 or whatever u people are this week to not say anything is kind of weird. and it's also why i dont like this other big fanacc because they post throwbacks but always ignore him, how can you be a throwback acc and not post a PAST member ;-; like i said if he was horrible and dishonorably discharged (lol) from the group its a dif story but this is just ridiculous.

anyway i hope that going forward we can love all members of nct and celebrate all of them <3

[yomiurinikei]

i’ve seen you mention utsuro not being a system a couple of times and, as somebody who is ALWAYS looking for more headcanons to add to the roster, may i ask why you headcanon this? /genq

oh, why i hc utsuro as a system?? sure sure!! i wrote aaaa… well. a write-up about this but that was forever ago,, funnily enough i think i had a longer/more in depth write up for hibiki being a system (it was p much my belief for what she had in game, her behavior was 100% consistent with did, but anywayyys…), but! i definitely can break down this hc, seeing as it has basis in canon as opposed to, say, my hilarious and amazing idea of what if each of the CoU were systems

(nows probably a good time to note, while i really don’t want to get into sysc0urse, i am. moreso anti-end0. i don’t want this post in those tags, but as someone who’s been in online system communities for 5+ years, i’ve visibly seen how conversations about systems have changed and the damage that’s been inflicted on systems. a lot of beliefs going around are incredibly damaging/help no one; as a result, this theory complies with a… for lack of a better term, traumagen1c reliant understanding of did)

so!! it’s shown to us in the epilogue of dra that utsuro. is extremely traumatized <333. it’s made clear that since he was small, his parents have been behaving in such a way that led to his feeling he was only valued for his fortune. his parents were greedy, cared about material gain; it’s literally said (translations are never one to one but meaning comes across) they “saw their child as a tool to satisfy their desires” and that because of their behaviors, utsuro wound up uncared for and alone.

id say. having your parents view you as a tool for their material benefit, to the degree you couldn’t stay at home anymore, and then having to be all alone and “figure out how to survive” by yourself fits as severe trauma- utsuros age isn’t specified here, but going by the timeline we see with akane, and assuming they’re the same age, he was likely by himself by early elementary-age. this definitely slots in/sets up for him developing did- he’d be young enough his personality was still developing/etc etc yk. things go on, they dont get better; he winds up entirely hopeless, getting everything he wants except for happiness. the degree of... misery it must bring to make the impossible possible, to have anything your mind desires, but never managing to feel happy must be. uniquely painful, and it was Always Like That.

so, since we've established he's got the trauma necessary to have to detach himself in that spicy did-way, let's look at why i think he specifically has did instead of.. any other condition originating from trauma

my main argument for utsuro being a system is the stark difference between yuki, and utsuro. when it comes to the memories that were repressed for the killing game, the most comprable situation to utsuro's is akane's. both were the masterminds, who chose to have their memories repressed, so they could participate freely in the game. ("nyehhh akane's a traitor though!!" you get the point.) So both akane and utsuro repressed their memories, and eventually, regain their memories. now, when akane gets back her memories, she has a new motive, new direction behind her choices, and of course, being driven by a new cause, has different priorities, and is willing to do what it takes to achieve them. she recalls her trauma, and is launched back into survival mode, into protecting whats kept her safe before: utsuros divine luck. she states her service to utsuro is because she's indebted to him, but.. this really serves to reiterate that utsuro is defined by his luck; keep utsuro safe, bring utsuro back, all so the divine luck will return. that's relevant later; for now, back to akane, who, despite now having her memories back, ultimately chooses hope. she's swayed by what happens in the game, by the memories she made.

utsuro gets his memories back. and utsuro is not swayed. akane with her memories repressed recalled, with some accuracy, her childhood. utsuro could not do this; he had an entirely falsified belief, was convinced his beliefs were not true despite them not being able to remember them properly. where akane was able to connect all of her assorted memories, and advance forward, there is an explicit difference between yuki and utsuro. yuki has an entirely different personality, has different memories, and as shown in the bad end, yuki is capable of rectifying his experiences with his past traumas (is able to choose hope at the end), while utsuro is latched onto the beliefs instilled in him from childhood, and rather than adapt to new experiences hes supposedly had (the hope he was shown by the cast), it is core to his identity to stay the way he was. yuki is a introject (specifically a factive) based off of yuuki maeda; he split off due to junko (who gave utsuro new purpose, allowing him to advance past his trauma induced belief that his situation was unchanging), to fulfill the role the body's brain believed they had to take to continue to have meaning. the trauma utsuro experienced at a young age resulted in him struggling with compartmentalizing, and upon splitting, the new alter in the system took on a specific mantle he was told he needed to define.

when you're faced with the choice that leads to the good or the bad ending, you, the player, yuki, are spoken to by another person; another consciousness, within your head. after they chat, yuki is shown a physical representation within his mind, choosing one or the other. a.... physical conceptualized place, wherein you can speak with other identities in your head, including the ability to influence which one is in control of the body. also known as a headspace, which systems have. its... its a textbook example of what a headspace can be like.

to put it all together. utsuro was heavily traumatized as a kid, this trauma never ended, it was constantly reinforced that he only had value because of his luck, leading to him being 100% detached from the world (the ‘utsuros story’ snippet further reinforces my belief that utsuros behaviors, his extreme apathy, feels like dissociation). he develops did, which we see in-game; yuki is a alter split off to serve junkos goals, and doesn’t remember the divine luck, at least, at the point of the killing game (we could say that’s what the memory altering did to him). he gets his memories back, and we see him in headspace, in the true ending, giving front to utsuro. as utsuro hasn’t been in front, and was split off to survive with the trauma of the divine luck, he’s not impacted by the events of the game, and sticks with the mindset thats got him to where he is today, before loosing even that internal will to survive, and dying in the dra killing game

really. it’s just that it fits with what we know of his backstory, and the difference between utsuro and yuki, and how things happen with them compared to with akane, makes me think did/system! chatted with fellow “utsuro is part of a system” enthusiast sorrel of @monorails fame, sea helped me tons with organizing my thoughts and all that jazz!!!!

maybe i should bring back my akane analysis. maybe i should finally break down her vibe with utsuro. hm. anyways! this was a long post and my thoughts jump around a lot so if anything’s too scattered/doesn’t make sense, just send me an ask!!! at the end of the day it is all fun and games and i like to talk so. feel free to come chat!

[wickedpact]

dear tumblr user crim wickedpact pls write the essay/dissertation about nicky being shakespeare's fair youth (if you have time, ofc!!)

Not To Imply Nicky Was Shakespeare’s Fair Youth But Ive Read The Fair Youth Sonnets & Nicky Was Definitely Shakespeare’s Fair Youth, an essay by me, tumblr user crim wickedpact

background knowledge: our man shakespeare wrote some 120 sonnets about a young man referred to as the Fair Youth during the mid 1590s; there has been some debate among shakespeare enthusiasts whether shakespeare’s interest in the Fair Youth was platonic or romantic (but like. they were definitely romantic). no one knows for sure who the Fair Youth was, but it was definitely nicky and my first and most important piece of evidence regarding this hypothesis is the ‘lmao babe do you remember that guy who had a crush on me?’/ ‘i try not to remember the guy who had a crush on you’ look joe and nicky exchange when Merrick brings up shakespeare during the movie. especially since gina confirmed in a tweet that joe and nicky canonly did know shakespeare

my second piece of evidence is that it just Works (except for a couple small facts like.. the Fair Youth was prolly closer to his 20s than his 30s. and the fact that shakespeare implies that the Fair Youth slept with his mistress at one point. but he doesnt know what hes talking about shhh we IGNORE)

long post under cut

A. The Description Matches

when describing the Fair Youth (who I’ll call the FY from now on), shakespeare says he has a ‘gold complexion’ and ‘beautiful eyes’ and compares him to a ‘summer’s day’. He says the FY has “A woman’s gentle heart" and “An eye more bright than [women’s are], (...) Gilding the object whereupon [they] gazeth”

As much as shakespeare’s perceptions of sexuality and gender are very........  late 1500′s (whoo boy sonnet #20 is a wild ride) ...... the description does match, and also:

  B. The Fair Youth Refused to Get Married

it’s never really said why one way or another (shakespeare assumes it’s because the FY is selfish) but the FY didn’t/wouldn’t take on a wife and have a kid, and this was something that was a real sticker for our man Willy S. because, as he says in his sonnets a million times: beauty doesn’t last forever, but having a child not only passes down the FY’s beauty, but also blesses the woman the FY would have a child with (im not saying shakespeare wanted to bear the FY’s children, but he definitely did)

Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest, Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother. For where is she so fair whose uneared womb Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry?

(ie. If you don’t renew yourself/ have children, you deprive the world and deprive a woman from having your child, since what woman out there is so beautiful that she wouldn’t want to bear your child?)

Like.

1.) if nicky is the FY then so many of these poems center around the idea of nicky growing old sometime soon and that must have been pretty funny to Nicky and

2.)  the fact that shakespeare would have been So Desperate for nicky to find a wife must have been the opposite of funny to joe. considering the ease of his and nicky’s relationship and the fact that being gay in late 1500s england was probably not a walk in the park, it is very likely shakespeare wouldn’t have known they were in a committed relationship-- or at least not known how close they actually were. Thus:

  C. The Rival (aka. Joe)

shakespeare mentions having a poetic rival in regards to the FY in several sonnets. In sonnet #21 he talks about how he’s not like Those Other Writers who use grand metaphors to talk about their muses

So is it not with me as with that Muse, Stirred by a painted beauty to his verse, Who heaven itself for ornament doth use And every fair with his fair doth rehearse, Making a couplement of proud compare With sun and moon, with earth and sea's rich gems, With April's first-born flowers, and all things rare,

(ie. I’m not like other poets who, when inspired by a ‘painted beauty’ use heaven and every other beautiful thing on the planet to make a grand comparison to their muse: he specifically lists the sun and moon as examples as well as other beautiful things)

He then goes on to say

And then believe me, my love is as fair As any mother's child, though not so bright As those gold candles fixed in heaven's air:

(ie. my love [the FY] is as beautiful as any other beautiful person, though I wouldn’t compare them to the stars/heavens (which is what he means by the 'gold candles’. those are stars.))

So shakespeare insults poets who compare their subjects to the sun, moon, and stars (amongst other things) and in the comics, Joe does literally exactly that

That man is the stars in my sky, and the sun that lights my days. That man is the moon when I'm lost in darkness, and warmth when I shiver in cold.

shakespeare also goes on to say in the same sonnet “Let them say more that like of hearsay well / I will not praise that purpose not to sell” which is to say ‘let people who like that kind of language use it, I wont because I don’t want anyone else to have the subject of my affections (the FY)’.

(which is a bit of a contradiction regarding his feelings abt the FY getting married, but these sonnets are full of contradictions. shakespeare was a confused dude; man spent the first 100 or so sonnets convinced the FY loved him back only for him to start wondering if the FY ever loved him near the end)

(not to mention Marriage For Love wasnt really.. much of a thing in Ye Olden Times but thats a different conversation. so shakespeare prolly didnt associate marriage with love/competition? anyways)

Shakesy-boo goes on to complain about this rival several times. In #79, he says

Yet what of thee thy poet doth invent He robs thee of, and pays it thee again. He lends thee virtue, and he stole that word From thy behaviour; beauty doth he give, And found it in thy cheek: he can afford No praise to thee, but what in thee doth live.

(ie. everything ‘your poet’ (as the FY apparently favored this unnamed rival) says about you, he takes it from you in the first place. he talks about your virtue, but learned the word from watching your behavior. he calls you beautiful but only discovered beauty by looking at your face. every compliment he gives you he took from you in the first place)

[and, as a smaller example, he also bemoans the fact that people want to paint the FY in #67, saying, “Why should false painting imitate his cheek, / And steal dead seeming of his living hue?”. and yknow. Joe’s an artist.]

And then another example in #86

Was it the proud full sail of [the rival’s] great verse, Bound for the prize of all too precious you, That did my ripe thoughts in my brain inhearse, Making their tomb the womb wherein they grew?

Was it his spirit, by spirits taught to write Above a mortal pitch, that struck me dead?

(ie. he’s talking about how he’s having difficulty writing abt the FY and is rhetorically asking if ‘the proud sail’ of the rival’s verses was the reason his ‘ripe thoughts’ were killed in their ‘womb’. He then asks (again rhetorically) if it was the rival’s ‘spirit’ (or creativity, maybe) ‘’’‘by spirits taught to write’’’’ that killed his own drive to write. none of the analyses I’ve read really explain what shakespeare means by ‘spirits taught to write’, other than maybe being a joke or reference to something we dont know, but... ‘taught by dead people to write in a way mortal people can’t’ very much sounds like a description of an immortal poet, eh?)

Which brings me to,

  D. Willy Boy Thinks There Are 500 Year Old Writings About the Fair Youth

shakespeare talks about people having written about the FY ‘500 years ago’ from the late 1500s in #59 which......................... would have been around 1100 AD. :thinking face:

Oh that record could with a backward look, Even of five hundred courses of the sun, Show me your image in some antique book, Since mind at first in character was done, That I might see what the old world could say To this composed wonder of your frame;

(ie. Oh if I could look back 500 years and see how you were described in some old books so I could see/reference what people used to write about you)

Which again brings me to,

  E. I’m Not Saying shakespeare Stole From Joe, But:

1.) In #22, shakespeare says this,

For all that beauty that doth cover thee, Is but the seemly raiment of my heart, Which in thy breast doth live, as thine in me: 

(ie, your beauty is due to the ‘clothes’ my heart gives you-- probably means something like ‘you’re beautiful because i love you’. goes on to say his heart lives in the FY’s chest, and the FY’s heart lives in shakespeare’s chest)

so: shakespeare tells the FY he has shakespeare’s heart. in comparison, Joe calls nicky ‘my heart’ in the comics...... :thinking face x2:

2.) In #109, shakespeare tells the FY ‘thou art my all’,

For nothing this wide universe I call, Save thou, my rose, in it thou art my all.

which rings similar to Joe’s ‘he’s all and he’s more’ as well as (from the comics) ‘he is my everything’

and just saying. joe looks pretty #done the mention of shakespeare.

  F. The last One

Despite shakespeare writing 30+ poems about the FY eventually growing old, the very last poem he writes about/for the FY says,

O thou, my lovely boy, who in thy power Dost hold Time's fickle glass, his sickle hour; Who hast by waning grown, and therein showest Thy lovers withering, as thy sweet self growest. 

(ie. you [the FY] have power over the ‘mirror’ (fickle glass) of time as well as time’s ‘harvesting’ ability (sickle hour) and as you grow older, you remain beautiful while your lovers [shakespeare] wither and grow old)

The transition from ‘get married and have a baby before you get old!!!!’ in #1-20 to talking about the FY’s presence in 500 y/o books in #59 to admitting the FY isn’t growing old in #126 kinda seems to imply shakespeare learning of/about nicky’s immortality at some point, and this last poem is him accepting it.

TLDR: not only does it make perfect sense if nicky was the Fair Youth from the FY sonnets, but it also makes perfect sense if joe was the Rival from the FY sonnets. its canon nothing will convince me otherwise