#i did something and it manifested externally and you think it's wrong. i did something but i did something wrong.......

[lilacerull0]

lila the girl who always has to be doing something to earn her right to be and elena the girl who fears that doing something wrong will take away her right to be so she waits... different ways of battling inadequacy... it's better to be drastic and experience something terrible that might lead to your destruction than to do nothing... you do not have to accomplish and conquer to matter...

[etherealkissed88]

i got what i wanted in the 3d but why did i keep assuming negative?

today i found myself assuming that something negative (that ive experienced before) was going to happen again soon. but this was without any clear evidence that it would happen. there was subtle evidence but then i caught myself and realized that is was all an assumption and i thought “why am i even assuming negative if i know the power of the law?💀” so i decided it wouldnt end up that way and i let it go. hours later i saw clear evidence of the complete opposite of my negative assumption. this means that everything was going good like no negative shit was gonna happen and i still literally got physical evidence of what i wanted. at the same time, i felt uncertain and again assumed that negative thing was still gonna happen soon (even tho i saw evidence that it it wouldnt happen).

why did i feel uncertain even tho what i wanted appeared right in front of me? because in reality, i was chasing the feeling. i wasnt fulfilled, i wasnt satisfied within. this is what ppl mean when they say “its the feeling you want, you dont want it in the 3d”. sure you want the object and the physical experience but notice how the “real” and physical thing did not satisfy me at all. i literally manifested what i wanted yet i didnt feel like it would last. the 3d will never give you what you want. it will always be that inner fulfillment that gives you want you want. fulfillment is what gives you the satisfaction so if youre saying that you manifested something in the 3d and felt secure, thats because you were fulfilled. why did i also get what i wanted in the 3d yet i didnt feel secure? it will always come down to the fulfillment. that fulfillment is the FEELING! the feeling of knowing you have it despite seeing it in the 3d or not. this is also why the 3d never matters; its all neutral. bc everything IS based on assumptions and states. you see the world based on which state you are in. if im in the state of being broke, i will look at a $50 headphones as too expensive and i wouldnt feel secure in buying it. but if i was in the state of being a millionaire, i would look at a $50 headphones as if it was fifty cents and i would feel secure in even buying a more expensive one. its not about the 3d, its about if you feel fulfillment because either way if you have it in the 3d and still dont feel as if its not rly yours (fulfillment), then you will continue to assume negative and feel unsecured in your manifestation.

“as within so without” right? this is why when you are satisfied internally, you feel satisfied externally; it gets pushed out because self is always expressed in the 3d. someone who is not satisfied with being a millionaire within, can never feel good in the 3d until they fulfill themselves within (or change states where being a millionaire is normal for them). everything truly is the feeling and everything truly starts within.

back to assumptions: i continued to assume negative even with positive evidence in front of me because i wasnt giving myself the feeling. i didnt feel satisfied within. assumptions are accepting ideas without evidence. i clearly assumed correctly because i didnt have evidence that that negative thing was going to happen but i clearly was in a state of fear which is what caused me to continuously have that assumption. whatever state you are in affects your assumptions. lucky for me and you, we can change states and assumptions instantly. other than that, next time you find yourself assuming negative, stop yourself and just decide/assume it will all work out. change your state -> you are now the person who already has what they want.

anywayz, i realized all this in a span of 7 seconds after i got the physical thing i wanted but still assumed negative. i wanted to make this post because ppl could be doing the same thing and still feeling stuck and thinking that something is wrong with them when thats not the case. catch yourself and assume positive. make it a habit that whenever you want something, fulfill yourself right away. assume its done right away. update: i assumed and fulfilled myself with what i wanted and i no longer feel the need to assume the negative shit 😛. the power of fulfillment am i right ?

kisses, jani ☆

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Hello,

I have a writing prompt for Michael Kaiser (Blue Lock): Kaiser gets into a pr relationship with an actress and they eventually bond and fall in love.

I think he would have a hard time because of his feelings of worthlessness, but this guy has so much potential, I swear, I love him so much.

If you want to go for a "dark side of Hollywood" type of concept, imagine: a young girl who was raised under the pressure of becoming "the perfect star" and surrounded by the chaos of the industry (Idk, the movie Black Swan comes to mind, or the typical representation of Marilyn's life, something along the lines). I think he could bond with someone who is in a similar mind space as him, but who externalizes it differently, remaining kind and such. He definitely needs someone who is empathetic and can see through his insecurities, and I really like the concept of two characters who are hurt helping each other heal.

If you don't want that much drama, scratch the idea of a hurt oc. Think about someone with an "entrepreneur" mindset: someone ambitious, confident, and level headed, who (again) is empathetic and would call him out and help him grow (I'm thinking about sae, but emotionally competent lol).

You don't really have to go for any of this though, it's just meant to get you inspired to write something for my boy Kaiser. I hope it's not too much. Also, there's no rush at all!!

Thank you in advance. I hope you have a good day 🩷

── THE INSTRUMENT

Synopsis: Michael Kaiser is like a rose, and you are the songbird he cannot bear to lose.

Event Masterlist

Pairing: Kaiser x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 6.8k

Content Warnings: fake dating trope, implied/referenced abuse, call me tabito karasu the way i assassinate kaiser’s character in this, open ending, relationship dynamics many would consider…interesting…

A/N: hiiii anon ty for requesting!! i hope that i wrote kaiser in a somewhat satisfactory way 😫 this is my first time writing for him so idk if i got him right 😓 also i have NO idea why but for some reason i decided to write this in the present tense which i literally have never done?? so if it sounds off that’s why 💔 i’m so sorry i really don’t know what possessed me SKDJFSHKL

Additional: part of my 500 follower event! see the event description and rules to make a request of your own.

It’s hot and like a bruise, your first phone call with Michael Kaiser. He’s that brand of aggravating and just shy of painful to speak with; morbidly, you wish for the conversation to manifest as some kind of actual injury, perhaps on your upper arm, so you can poke at it until it is tender and blooming. But of course, that sort of thing isn’t possible, so you amuse yourself by tapping your fingers against the counter and considering what you might eat for dinner.

“Did you hear me?” he snaps when you do not respond to his proposition immediately. He speaks with an accent, clipped and short, lending severity to his words even when he’s saying nothing of note. “Miss L/N. It’s in both of our best interests to cooperate.”

He’s not wrong about this. It’s the only reason you’ve stayed on the call for as long as you have — it’s in your best interest. It’s the same for him, too, and the thought almost makes you laugh, because who would’ve expected your interests and his to ever align?

“Of course I heard you,” you say, twisting open your bottle of water, taking a sip and idly wondering if he can hear an accent when you speak, too. It’s difficult for you to notice your own, but maybe to him, you sound as odd as he does to you. “You should learn patience, Mr. Kaiser. Such a heavy request you’re making of me, and yet you demand my answer immediately?”

He huffs. “It’s not something you need to dwell on.”

“It might be,” you say, though it’s not at all. Your mind was made up the moment he asked; everything after that has been nothing more than a ploy to irritate him. You’re good at that, at irritating people. Michael Kaiser is not an exception.

“Miss L/N,” he says again, something like a darker version of pleading creeping into his tone. “Your answer. Now.”

“Well, you already knew before you asked, didn’t you? Naturally, I’ll do it,” you say. “It’s a mutually beneficial partnership. Though I expect you to really try your best, Mr. Kaiser, or else it’ll all be for naught.”

“I could say the same to you,” he says.

“Between the two of us, who is the actress?” you say, chuckling when he is silent. “I am sure that I will be convincing. It’s you who I worry for. Hiding your true feelings has never been one of your strengths, has it? Or you wouldn’t be speaking to me at all.”

“Shut up,” he says after a moment has passed. “I doubt your acting skills are anything to brag about.”

“I know you’ve watched my movies,” you say, and when he doesn’t refute this, you beam. “Have you really?”

“Only because someone I know suggested I should,” he says. “If I want to love you, then I have to understand you. That’s what he told me.”

“And what did you think?” you say.

“I thought that I don’t plan to love you at all, and then I told him as much,” he says, the force of his eye roll transmitting even over the phone. You’re not sure if he’s acting deliberately obtuse or if he really thinks you care about this inane conversation he’s describing, but either way you sigh, because his answer is so telling of his personality.

“I was talking about my movies,” you say.

“I don’t prefer the genre,” he says, and then he’s hanging up with a promise to call you later, if he is so inclined. He doesn’t tell you not to call him, but you feel like he implies it, so you vow to set your phone aside and pay him no mind for the rest of your evening.

I’m dating Michael Kaiser, you type in the body of your email to your manager, who you are certain will be so delighted by this news that he will combust spontaneously upon hearing it. You want to type it again, this unbelievable turn of events, so you do. I’m dating Michael Kaiser. Then you delete the repetition, reverting it once again into a formal email, instead of a giddy celebration over an event which should not prompt giddiness or anything resembling it.

It’s a relationship meant to salvage his ruined reputation and boost your career in one fell swoop, and so it’s a relationship that can only work if it’s formed between you two in particular. He, who is a foul-mouthed soccer prodigy, known better for his crass treatment of others than any actual skills he may possess, and you, a rising star who will do anything to be famous and are already of a serviceable status to be seen with him.

Despite your burst of excitement, the prospect of dating Michael Kaiser isn’t actually a thrilling one. The rumors of his horrid demeanor aren’t rumors, and you know this well, albeit through secondhand accounts. Cruelty is the way that he operates, his so-to-speak basal mode, and because it is so intrinsic to his being, you do not fancy that he will deviate from that malicious rule, even for you.

But you are accustomed to a false existence. Donning a facade and masquerading as a person who you are not is the only thing you are good at, are good for, and this time is no different than every other. You will put on the mask of a woman who is loved by Michael Kaiser, who has tamed that mad emperor and turned him into her sweet pet, and you will once again fool the world into believing you.  

He’s doing an interview today. You’re only aware because he texts you right before and tells you to turn on the TV to a channel you’d never choose if you had a say in the matter. But you’re intrigued and he refuses to explain further, so you do as he commands and find yourself watching as he reclines back in a leather armchair and smirks at the host, who’s clearly nervous.

She’s pretty, her hands shaking but her expression serious. You’ve never seen her before, which means she’s new. Of course, that’s not a surprise; only someone very inexperienced or very stupid would invite Michael Kaiser to their show, and she does not seem to be particularly stupid, so her affliction is the first. 

“Um, Mr. Kaiser, it’s a pleasure to have you with us,” she says, like she cannot quite believe that he is actually there, or like she is afraid of what he might take offense at, or some combination of the two.

“It’s a pleasure to be here,” he says, all roguish and self-assured, which is such a contrast to his typically surly demeanor that you have to commend the girl for keeping her composure.

They speak at length about his soccer career, throwing around words you do not understand and do not care to. It’s so boring you almost power down the television and tell him you think as much, but then the girl clears her throat, her face turning a comical shade of red as her fists clench the paper she’s been reading off of.

“This last question is from our viewers, but it’s personal, so if you don’t want to answer, then it’s not a problem,” she says, squirming in her chair, probably hoping he does not humiliate her. It will be bad for her career if he does, even if by now everyone knows what kind of person he is.

“Go on, then. I feel like we’ve built a rapport here, so I don’t mind it as much if it’s from you,” he says. It’s a perfectly packaged sentiment. His PR team must have tortured him into this new persona. You try to imagine it — it’s definitely a humorous thought, picturing the Bastard München representative slamming Michael Kaiser’s face into a bowl of water for every snarky comment he makes. Unrealistic, though. They would never risk compromising his performance like that.

“There’s rumors that you’re seeing Y/N L/N, the actress. A source who claims to be close to you both mentioned it online, and people can’t stop talking about the possibility. Neither you nor Miss L/N have addressed it, though, and our viewers were hoping you might…?” She cringes back, already preparing for one of his tirades, but he only smiles genially and winks at the camera. You remind yourself to tell him later that he’s laying it on too thick, even if you are enjoying this new character that he’s playing up for the sake of it.

“Y/N L/N? I’m shocked that you think I’m handsome enough to date someone like her,” he says. Your phone buzzes — it’s your manager, crowing about how impressed he is with your ‘boyfriend’ and his presence of mind. 

“So it’s a no?” the interviewer says, almost hopefully. He’s mysterious when he shrugs, mysterious and more than a little coy, as if she’s flattering him and he’s too shy to accept the praise.

“If Miss L/N ever deems me to be worthy of her, then it’s a yes in a heartbeat,” he says. It’s an excellent setup for his redemption, and the girl plays into it so beautifully that you tell your manager to send her flowers or some chocolate at the earliest possible opportunity.

“I think that you’ve shown yourself to be an excellent candidate today,” she says.

“Have I? I’ve really been trying to prove myself,” he says. Dreamy sighs ripple through the live studio audience. Someone whistles. It’s all very romantic and fairy-tale-esque, although he is far from being any kind of prince.

“You’re doing great,” the girl assures him. “I’m sure that, if Miss L/N is watching, she’ll have no choice but to be smitten.”

“If she’s watching? Oh, the thought didn’t even cross my mind,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. You shouldn’t have doubted him and his audacity; he’s fallen into the role as if he were born to play it. “How embarrassing. I’ve just confessed to her on live television without even knowing if she’s interested…”

He’s actually blushing. You are doubly awed — he’s a natural-born talent. It’s a shame that he’s devoted to soccer; he could make it out like a bandit in the acting industry.

“No, no, don’t be embarrassed. How could she ever reject someone like you?” she assures him. How, indeed! At the moment, you are so pleased that you could kiss him. He’s better than any co-star you’ve ever had to work with, in that he is making your job exponentially easier instead of exponentially more difficult.

“If she really is watching, then I can only pray she heard you say that part,” he says, waving in greeting, presumably at you. “Hello, Miss L/N. I really admire you, so if you find me at all agreeable, then I would quite like it if you would say yes to the date I’m going to ask you on.”

He’s made the world swoon and your social media mentions triple. People are begging you to say yes, to give him a chance, to see how he has changed. They want to live through you, and you will let them.

When he calls you, you tell him you were thrilled by his performance. This causes him to shoot back that he finds you insufferable and condescending, to which you say that it’s what makes you and him such a perfect pair. Then you recite an address, and he asks you what you’re going on about. You answer that it is the place where you will have your first date, and then you hang up before he can respond, just so that you can deny him the chance to do it to you first. 

Cameras flash in your faces as you enter the restaurant your manager has booked a reservation at. Michael Kaiser’s arm is wrapped around your waist, and it’s nauseatingly domestic, the kind of scene that would be the cover for one of those coming-of-age movies your agent loves booking for you. You wait for the frantic sound of camera shutters to slow, and then you tug on his sleeve.

“What is it?” he says. It’s quiet enough that no one else can hear, which is why it’s devoid of any warmth, but you are unruffled.

“Your tie,” you say. “It’s not crooked, but we will pretend that it is, and I’ll fix it so that there is something sweet to accompany the tabloid articles that will come out tomorrow.”

Your hands reach for his neck, and he does something you do not comprehend — flinching back, he shakes his head. When he realizes he’s done this, he grits his teeth, like the anger can make up for the temporary weakness. You do not press the issue, merely furrowing your brow and gazing up at him, doing your best to ensure that your eyes remain soft, so that the exchange is not misinterpreted by the parasites around you.

“No,” he says. “Do something else, but leave my tie alone.”

“Alright,” you say. It’s not sensible for you to argue, and anyways it doesn’t matter much what you are doing, as long as you are doing something. Humming to yourself, you adjust the lapels of his jacket. The cameras go off again. You pretend like you do not notice, like the world consists of only you two, and then you interlace your fingers with his, allowing him to drag you into the restaurant behind him.

It’s your turn to be interviewed. You’re wearing a dress, your legs crossed at the ankles — it’s demure and practical and prevents anyone from leering at you, so it’s been a habit of yours for quite a while. The interviewer is female, though, which calms you a bit. She’s older, around your mother’s age, and the wrinkles on her forehead remind you that you should call your parents and arrange for them to meet your doting boyfriend.

“Miss L/N, I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am to finally meet you!” the woman says. You think her name may be Anne, but she hasn’t introduced herself to you yet, so you’re not certain.

“You are too kind. If anything, it’s an honor for me to be here,” you say. The audience really likes that, when you are humble and shy and so darling. It’s palatable and easy for them to digest, or that’s what your manager tells you. 

“Tell us about your upcoming projects,” she says after giving you the appropriate amount of praise for your charming personality.

“I’m currently shooting a new romantic comedy, but I’m afraid it’s all very hush-hush, so I can’t say too much about it. I think you all will really enjoy it, though, and I’m looking forward to the day that we can discuss it at length,” you say. 

The conversation goes on like that for a bit, but you know she’s going through the motions because she has to, not because she wants to. There’s only one question she cares to ask, but if she just talks to you about your boyfriend and not your own accomplishments, then she’ll be blasted online as an anti-feminist. You hear quite frequently that this is akin to suicide in the world of marketing, so you can’t blame her.

That doesn’t stop you from having some fun. When she’s exhausted every possible avenue of questioning you about your future plans and past successes, you make as if you’re going to stand up and leave. Panic leaps across her face, and you snicker.

“We’ve spoken at such length about my acting career. You can’t possibly have any more questions about it, hm? You probably know more than my manager does!” Your attitude is balanced out by the joke. The audience laughs. It’s a fine line that you walk, but if you do not have the chance to act sharper every now and again, you believe you will die — internally if not externally — so you take such risks when you can justify them to yourself.

“You’re dating Michael Kaiser now, aren’t you?” she says. It’s a rancid curiosity she hides with a motherly type of concern. You brush off your legs, recross them, and tuck a piece of hair behind your ear.

“I am,” you say. You don’t have to play the games that he did; you both are established now. Official. A bona-fide couple. Anyways, it’s more appealing if you are outright with it.

“How has that been? You’ve really made a difference in that young man’s life, it seems,” she says.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth. “Yes, I suppose I have, but he has made an equal difference in mine. He is as good for me as I am for him; truly, I never understood what it meant when my parents called each other their ‘better halves’ until we met.”

In an hour, there will be thousands of posts online about this. If Y/N and Michael break up, then I don’t believe in love anymore! Maybe soulmates are real! Couple goals! These are the kinds of captions you are anticipating. The two of you will send screenshots to one another and laugh about how gullible the world is, and then you will strategically plan which comments to like and posts to favorite so that your message goes through. That’s the extent of your relationship with him, really, at least when the two of you are alone. The detachedness makes things much easier than they otherwise would be.

“There’s a popular theory going around that the two of you have had a secret wedding already. Is it true? Am I speaking to Mrs. Kaiser at the moment?” she says, eyes glittering like a vulture’s. She’s ready to pounce on any hesitation, any brief indecision that you might show, but you have spent more time in the spotlight than in your own parents’ home, so you don’t even waver.

“Marriage! I think we’re a bit too early in our relationship to be considering such things, and a bit too early in our lives to be rushing into major decisions like that,” you say. “If and when the time comes, you’ll be the first to know, but it won’t be for a while.”

It won’t be at all, actually. This relationship is not going to last for more than another month. Once the buzz surrounding you two dies, you and he will quietly split. It’ll be as if you never met in the first place.

Your phone rings as you’re leaving the studio. The caller ID says that it is Michael Kaiser, and the thought that he was watching your interview in the same way you watched his makes you feel odd.

“Hello?” you say.

“I’m not gonna marry you. Never-fucking-ever. If you’re expecting a ring, then put it out of your mind.”

“I wasn’t,” you say. “How else would you have liked me to answer that question?”

“Fuck if I know.”

Neither of you hang up on the other — you don’t think you can summon the wherewithal to, which is out of character for him but typical for you — though you both also don’t speak any further. He stays on the line while you drive home, breathing softly like he is sleeping, but you are sure that he is not. The point of it is lost on you, but then you drive into a tunnel and the call ends on its own, so it’s moot anyways. 

Your parents are excited to meet Michael Kaiser. They’ve read up on him extensively, watched all his interviews and even his game highlights. Your mother calls you the night before just so she can gush to you about how handsome he is, how you’ve really done well for yourself this time around. Her approval is nice to have, though superfluous, like a luxury soap or perfume. 

Your father is the one who suggests you all go golfing. You don’t know how to play, and neither does your mother, but you recognize it’s his attempt at connecting with who he thinks is your boyfriend, so you accept. You’re not sure if Michael Kaiser knows how to play golf, or really anything besides soccer, but he is game enough to come that you suppose he must.

It’s warm out, the sun beating down on your father’s brow as he lines up the ball with his club. Michael Kaiser stands on his left, and you think he’s somehow beautiful in this lighting. Not beautiful how your many attractive coworkers are, but in a manner which is distinctly him and therefore utterly irreproducible. His body is lean and graceful, his hair shaggy and gold, though he’s dyed the tips blue in what you’re sure is a statement. The shade matches his eyes, and also the inked roses on his neck. You have long ago come to the conclusion that the flowers are also a part of that same statement, but you have yet to discover what that statement might be. 

“He’s an improvement from that last boyfriend of yours,” your mother says, leaning back so that she can pour the last few drops of soda from her empty can into her throat. You and her are sitting together in the golf cart, seeking refuge in the shade of its plastic roof, sharing the drinks that your father had bought for himself and forgotten about the instant he stepped onto the golf course.

“He is,” you say. That’s not an exaggeration, nor is it something incredible. Your last boyfriend was an old classmate of yours who loved your celebrity more than he loved you. Michael Kaiser doesn’t love you, either, but he is honest about it, and you do not love him back, so there is no resentment between you and him.

“I like the way he looks at you,” your mother says. There’s a hiss as she opens a new can of soda. It’s a vice, but whenever you remind her of it, she dismisses you. She wants to have fun while she’s on this earth, apparently. Maybe drinking five cans of soda in one sitting means her life will be shorter, but life without soda isn’t worth living anyways, or something like that. The reasoning is stupid, but you know she is loyal to it, so you have to accept it. “It’s refreshing. So gentle. You’ll be talking to someone else, and he’ll just be staring at you like he can’t quite believe you’re his.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” you say. 

Your mother is about to say something else, but she is interrupted by a loud whoop. Michael Kaiser has hit a hole-in-one, and before you can tell him to stop embarrassing himself, your father is cheering, throwing his arms around him and calling him son.

“Your father likes him, too,” your mother said. 

“Oh, he needs to stop that! I can’t believe he’s making things so awkward,” you say, getting up to reprimand him before realizing that there is an entirely foreign sheen to Michael Kaiser’s eyes as he rests his chin on your father’s shoulder. He is not quite smiling, but it is a close approximation of the expression, and when your father ruffles his hair and says that it may have been beginner’s luck but he’s proud regardless, the curve of his lips becomes deeper.

You don’t understand, but you don’t need to. You may have facilitated it, but the moment belongs to him, and your presence is as unwanted as it is unnecessary.

You sit back down and take a sip of your mother’s soda. She grins knowingly and says that you look like you are in love, too. You don’t have the heart to tell her the truth, so you hum noncommittally and say that you might be.

You are growing fond of Michael Kaiser. It isn’t a slow realization — actually, it hits you very suddenly one day. He hands you a bouquet of flowers before opening the passenger door of his car for you. You ask him why he’s brought you peonies instead of roses, and he says it’s because he despises roses. It’s such an absurd answer and he says it with such a straight face that you have to cough in order to disguise your choked laughter. 

“Those must be some other kind of flower, then,” you say, pointing at but not touching his tattoos, at the delicate petals which fold over his pulse, azure and bright and silky. 

“No, those are roses,” he says, his knuckles growing white on the steering wheel. Normally, you wouldn’t ask further, but today you want to prod at his bruise of an existence, so you turn the music down and hug the peonies to your chest.

“But you despise roses,” you say.

“It’s a good reminder,” he says. “No flower lies quite as well as a rose does.”

That is when you are certain that you are partial to him. It is an unavoidable fact and also a treacherous one, but true notwithstanding. 

You put the peonies in a vase of water when you get home that night and hope they never die, although you know that they will be gone within the week. It’s how time works. The peonies will die and you two will break up and you’ll have nothing but a bare kitchen counter and thoughts of his intricacies to remember him by. 

There are no paparazzi around on the night when he wraps your hands around his throat. You are alone with him, sequestered away in the living room of his mansion, a bowl of popcorn shoved between the two of you while a movie plays in the background. This seclusion defeats the original purpose of the relationship entirely, but you sense that that original purpose is no longer fully applicable, so you do not refuse when he calls you and demands you come.

There’s a blanket tossed over your legs, the brilliant colors of his soccer club’s emblem faded from repeated washes. It’s warm, and if you were not busily eating most of the popcorn, you’d pull it up around your shoulders. As for Michael Kaiser, he’s facing the screen, his hair tied back in a knot, a pair of glasses resting on the bridge of his nose and reflecting the visage of the lead actress as she laughs. You observe him as you snack. You’ve seen this movie before and didn’t really like it, so you’re not missing much. He’s more interesting by far.

“I know that woman,” you say, so that he has to acknowledge you.

“Hm,” he says.

“She’s a jerk,” you say. 

“Sounds like your kind of company,” he says. You scoff, because he’s not wrong. He keeps watching the movie, and you keep watching him, until a thought occurs to you.

“Can I call you Michael? Even when it’s just us two,” you ask. He purses his lips. The actress screams. Her character has just died, but the scene is poorly shot and even more poorly acted, so it’s not as heart-wrenching as it should be. You would’ve done better, but your agent doesn’t want you taking any gory roles, and your manager agrees. In his professional opinion, it’ll ruin the doll-like persona you’ve spent so long cultivating. He’s probably right. It’s hard to adore a doll once you’ve watched it die so gruesomely.

“You can do whatever you want,” he says.

“Okay,” you say, swallowing another mouthful of popcorn, the salt lingering on your tongue long after the popcorn itself is gone. “Michael.”

“Yes?” he says.

“Nothing,” you say. “I just wanted to say your name.”

“Okay,” he says. “Y/N?”

He’s never called you that in private. Of course, when you’re out and about, he must refer to you with such familiarity, but in private you’ve never been anything but Miss L/N. It’s a change but a good one. You don’t want to ever be Miss L/N again. Not to him.

“Yes?” you say.

“I’m trying to watch this movie,” he says. “It has high ratings, so be quiet and allow me to finish.”

“It’s shitty,” you say, yawning and leaning back against the mountain of pillows you’ve created for yourself. “Overly gratuitous with its use of fake blood.”

“Right, because that’s a cardinal sin,” he says dryly.

“Sorry, but it’s hard to enjoy films when you know how they’re made,” you say. He picks up the remote and pauses the movie. You blink, because that’s about the last thing you expected from him. Then he turns the TV off entirely and you realize you’ll probably never be able to predict what he does next, so you should stop trying already.

“I know how movies are made,” he says.

“Did you have a secret acting career you never told me about?” you say. It’s a joke, but you also wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. He’s taken to performing like a fish takes to water, and every day you tell him he should quit soccer and devote his life to cinema because of this uncanny skill.

“Not me, but my mother was an actress, and my father was a director,” he says. 

“Was?” you say.

“Maybe they still are,” he says. “I don’t know. We’re not on speaking terms.”

“Why not?” you say. He takes your hands in between his, and you can make out immediately that his instinct is to hurt you, to press his fingertips into your wrists so hard that they leave marks. It’s to his credit that he fights back the urge, fights it back and arranges your palms against his carotid arteries. His jaw clenches and his pupils dilate as he waits for you to realize; when you do, you rip your hands away for fear of wounding him further.

“Don’t pity me,” he instructs you, unpausing the movie like nothing happened. “And don’t ever bring it up again.” 

Now that you have his permission to refer to him only by his name, you develop a strange fascination with saying it. He’s amused by your new fixation, answering you in a lilting tone every time you call for him.

According to him, you are like a small nightingale, always warbling, always happy, fluttering around beside him and changing his mood for the better. Well, if you are like a nightingale, then he is like a dog, and you tell him as much when you are sitting across from him at a coffee shop.

“A dog?” he repeats, his face pinching. He’s just taken a swig of the black coffee he always orders, but you know his disgusted expression isn’t a symptom of the beverage’s bitterness. “Take that back.”

“Not in a bad way,” you say. Your own drink is sweet, so you sip on it slowly to prevent a stomach ache. “I’m not calling you pathetic. I just mean that you are amiable and lively. It’s a compliment.”

“It’s not who I really am,” he says. “Have I deceived even you? Amiable? Lively? Remember why this entire scam began in the first place — because I am neither of those things.”

“Right,” you say. “A peacock, then. Terribly vain and entirely alluring.”

He relaxes and raises his cup to his mouth again. He’ll be up late tonight, he always is when he has coffee, but it never stops him from drinking it. “That’s better.”

The reminder that whatever you have with him is not real stings more than it should. You throw away your drink almost untouched, which does cause him to raise an eyebrow, but thankfully he refrains from commenting. It’s a relief, because you don’t even know how to explain it to yourself, let alone him.

He walks you to your front porch and waits with crossed arms as you fish for the key in your purse, shoving it in the lock once you have it in your grasp. His farewell when you open the door is stilted and abnormal, so you stop him with a hand on his arm before he can go.

“Michael,” you say. You’ve never said his name like this before. It comes from a place raw and deep within you, a place that you are certain is purple and black like a wound. You say it like you love him, and you think it must be because you do.

“Yes?” he says. It’s the way he always responds to you, his voice like a song, a small smile on his ordinarily strict face — though today, he is not smiling. Instead, he is frowning, like he has come to an understanding that he would have rather not reached.

“Never mind,” you say. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” he says. He drives away, his car disappearing around the corner, leaving you standing alone in the still-open doorway and wondering how you will survive the day when he disappears permanently. 

You’re not sure what it is about him that makes pretending difficult, but suddenly, it’s a struggle for you to maintain your aloof front. You find it disconcerting, that he has taken this aspect of your identity and rendered it entirely null and void; it’s even more disconcerting that he has done it unwittingly and unsympathetically. If you loved him any less, you would hate him, because he has stolen who you are and left you blind and fumbling, but you fell for him, and the way you landed broke something fundamental, so that it is impossible for you to get back up. 

“I think that I love you,” you say. You are on his couch again, and there is a movie playing again, which is all too similar to a past scenario that you think about when you are lonely. Tonight, it’s some soccer documentary that you find so tedious you are driven to irrationality. 

He drops the glass of water in his hands; you reach out and catch it before it can spill, setting it on the table in front of you. 

“What?” he says. You shrug.

“I love you,” you say again, and you’re flippant about it because you’re not telling him in the hopes he loves you, too. In fact, you know that he does not, so you are using him as a confessional; after all, the minimum he owes you is sharing the burden of this sin.

“There’s no one around,” he says. “You don’t have to lie. It won’t gain us anything.”

“It hasn’t gained us anything in a long while,” you say. It’s true — your relationship isn’t trending anymore, and most of your dates are in locations where you will not be recognized. 

He stands up. The documentary continues as he paces, and a referee blows a whistle while he tangles his fingers in his hair and pulls. You stay on the couch, your eyes following his erratic movements, your hands folded in your lap.

“No, you don’t,” he says.

“I don’t what?” you say.

“You don’t love me,” he says. He wants to sound callous, you are sure of it, but the effect is lost on you. He sounds more lost than anything.

“But I do,” you respond. “Who are you to tell me I don’t?”

“Don’t,” he says. “Stop it. This instant.”

You laugh incredulously. “Do you think it’s that easy? I wouldn’t feel like this in the first place if it was.”

“Why?” he says. He’s still pacing. It’s like watching a tiger in a zoo. You want to study him, but he demands your attention in a different way. “Y/N. Why me? Why at all?”

“The reasons don’t matter, do they? I can tell you, but they won’t change anything,” you say, shrugging. “If you find yourself in the kitchen, bring water back for me. I’m thirsty.”

“Drink mine,” he says, pointing at the cup you had narrowly saved from disaster. “And quit your avoidance. Tell it to me plainly. Why?”

“Because you are you,” you say once you have drained half of his glass and your tongue is not quite as papery. “It’s a series of things; there’s not just one concrete reason. You hate roses and only drink black coffee. My mother thinks you’re handsome and my father is convinced you’re a golfing genius. You are a dog but also a peacock and then again an emperor. Don’t ask ridiculous questions and expect me to answer them when I cannot.”

“I’ll hurt you,” he says. “I’ll hurt you, Y/N, and I don’t — I don’t want to. You’re the only one who I don’t want to hurt, so just give up. It’s for the better if you do.”

“You won’t,” you say. “I don’t think you can.”

“Of course I can,” he says. “It’s the one thing I’m capable of. The only way I know how to love someone is by hurting them. I’ll do the same to you if you let me, and if you’re telling the truth, then you will let me.”

“Because I love you?” you say. “You think I’ll let you hurt me because I love you? For shame, Michael. I thought you knew me better than that.”

“Please,” he says. It’s a word he’s never said, not to you and not in his life. Its weight hangs before you, pulsating in the air like it’s tangible. “If I love you, I’ll destroy you. And then you’ll leave, and it’ll destroy me.”

It’s a selfless desire that he’s disguising as a selfish one. You’re good at pretending, but you’re not good at telling when others are. That much is obvious, because if you had any talent at the latter then you would’ve seen that he’s loved you for as long as you have loved him, maybe longer. He loves you and so he’s urging you to flee, to destroy him before he can do it to you first.

“Damned if I do and damned if I don’t, huh?” you say, exhaling and finishing off the rest of his water. “Listen to me.”

“No,” he says. His obstinance is endearing, but you throw a pillow at him instead of cooing like you want to. He catches it and tosses it back. It lands beside you with a thump. You pat it for emphasis.

“Yes,” you say. “I love you.”

He plugs his ears with his fingers. “Nope.”

“I love you, I love you — hey, I know you can hear me!” you say.

“La la la,” he shouts over your voice, sticking his tongue out petulantly. “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you!”

“You’re cruel,” you say. “I won’t deny it. I know who you really are, Michael Kaiser. You possess cruelty in spades, but it’s in the way that a rose does. You have grown malice like thorns so that no one may come near your heart, and you think these thorns will tear me apart when I extend my hand past them. What you aren’t accounting for is that I have done so already. I have reached your heart and still I am intact. Now, what is there to cause me harm — a mere flower? But a flower can’t cause anyone harm, least of all a person such as myself. You can’t, or more importantly you won’t. I believe that you won’t.”

He stares at you. The soccer team in the documentary still playing behind him scores, and the crowd roars in approval. You stare back at him and wait.

“I hate roses,” he finally says. “I hate them a lot. They’re the worst kind of flower.”

“I don’t know about that,” you say. “I quite fancy them.”

“They prick your fingers,” he says.

“Not if you are gentle,” you say. “Not if you understand them.”

He buries his face in his hands. “Go home, Y/N.”

You do as you are told, flagging a taxi and shivering while you wait for it. You wish for things to be different, but the amount of unfulfilled wishes you’ve made outnumber the stars in the sky, so you add this one to the list and vow to move on.

You have no desire to leave your bed the next morning, but you are also hungry, and your hunger wins out over your despair. You muster up the energy to roll out of your sheets and trudge downstairs, but you are miserable as you do so. You are utterly miserable, and the fact that you are only worsens the feeling, trapping you in an endless kind of loop.

When you enter your kitchen, you are surprised to see a pot of flowers sitting innocently on your counter. You didn’t put them there, so you should feel afraid, but they’re roses, and they’re the same arresting shade as the sky, so you don’t. You only grin, slowly and then all at once as you begin to giggle helplessly.

There isn’t a card or an explanation provided, but you don’t need either. You already know who they are from.

[sandorsubs]

i am destroying the "dr self" concept

"if your self worth and happiness depends on something other than you, that means you are dependent on them. and that thing can manipulate you. you cannot be free, you remain as a puppet."

i guess this is "law of dependence" or something like that (since i translated i am not sure). but did something click in your mind too?

"live as your dr self" they say. are you still perceiving your dr self as someone else? there is no other world out there. there is no other you out there. your dr self doesn't exist.

they are all in you. possibilities comes from you. that's what they mean by saying you are the creator of your life. that's why it feels wrong to be dependent on something other than yourself.

oh you can't wait to be your dr self? you gave that b*tch life. you'll always be higher than your "dr self" if you think about for a second. you made the decision, you created it, you chose it. they are from you, not from external world.

let's elaborate dependence thing

sometimes we feel dependent on having an object, achieving something, being popular or praised by people. "my life will start after this" "only if i glow up..." "this will change everything for me" but is there an end?

"then should i stop wanting?" no, you don't have to. we can't just casually stop wanting things. it's okay, our desires are valid. they are just in the wrong place: center of our lives.

i'll come back to dr self concept but for now let's think about void state. ohh have your dream life. manifest your desires. key to everything you want wowww. "only if i achieve it...my life will turn around" my happinesses, self worth, even self love, confidence depends on "achieving void state". then i like the posts say "i am void". sorry if this is too harsh but you still see void state as something external. if it's achievable it's external. if you acknowledge it's yours/comes from you it's internal.

but since you create your own reality, aren't external things also yours? yes but since they are external we have hard time to believe they are in our control. imagine you own a grocery store but you forget you own it. so you'll still try to buy the products. maybe even stress about not having enough money. it may take more time.

also perceiving our desires as external and depending on them for fulfilment can manipulate us by planting negative and doubtful thoughts in our minds:

i am not successful to have that

i can't do it

i am not good enough

it's impossible

it's too hard for me

i should try harder

you have a concept of your dr self: higher than you, better than you, external and waiting for to be shifted in. you keep chasing it, trying to achieve it.

but do you know those mythical creatures that disguise as your loved ones to approach you? they try to deceive you, they make you follow them by promising stuff. i think the dr self concept is just like this. if it's a fantasy for you, you'll follow it around. that doesn't mean you won't get there, you will eventually. but it may take more time and just like mythical creature, that "idea" will feed from your energy and effort.

you search for something, walking around in the world only to come back to the same spot you start the search. but you don't realize it has been always there. you still think you were able find it because you travelled around the world.

your dr self is you. because they are created by you. void state is created by you. external world is created by you. "oh so everyone is god huh?" everyone is god because when they want something they create a reality where it exists and shifts there. people do this unconsciously (ironic lol) all the time. someone else manifests you but you don't want them. they'll shift to a reality where you want them.

there is no original reality or dr self. you left "originals" long ago, if they ever existed. so we can't really miss anything, huh? (double meaning boom haha)

(btw i don't shame people who use the word "dr self". this post is for people who think their dr selves are higher than them and some unreachable perfect characters)

[anemoiashifts]

how to detach for reality shifting.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ stop putting your dr on a pedestal.

we’ve heard this before but really. i mean it.

im going to assume if you’ve wanted to shift you’ve asked people what it is, asked shifting creators other questions, looked into theories. you were trying to expand your knowledge by looking for answers outwardly. looking for information isn’t a bad thing, but obsessing over what shifting is / isn’t can make shifting harder because your focused on the “what-if’s” & not living as you are. deciding to set out & rationalize shifting & policing others can be detrimental in your journey. this is why i say, i don’t care what shifting is because it’s something. & that should be enough.

the truth is, there is no 10000% concrete proof that shifting is this or that. there is no experiment that solidifies one theory or another, demeaning it as “correct”. they’re all just theories for a reason. so stop trying to rationalize is. find comfort in the unknown. in my opinion, that is the first thing needed in detachment. the letting go & elimination of overthinking how something works & just allowing it to work within time.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ “ill shift & things will be better. ill be happy, ill accomplish this. ill be better.”

your reality is a mirror of your thoughts & internal world. if you’re someone who thinks “this world is awful” you will subconsciously search for things that affirm those beliefs. i saw this example before & i think it really drives this thought home. if you see yourself in the mirror & notice your lipstick got on your teeth, you’re going to wipe it off your teeth. meaning, the mirror didn’t change. you did.

looking for external validation may unintentionally self-sabotage because you are not in the feeling of having it. you are searching for it which is you reminding yourself you do not have it yet.

don’t put off your happiness. allow yourself to feel everything you’re expecting in your dr at this moment. neville goddard once suggested the practice of living your life & imagine what it would be like if you had your desire. continue your imagination with the mindset that you’ve already shifted / manifested / achieved everything you’ve ever wanted until it shows in the 3d, when you are in full alignment. you are focusing on your desire, thus you will recognize it more & watch it show itself in your exterior. the 3d is a mirror to the mind.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ so how do we detach ?

there is no step by step, how to guide. in its simplest terms detaching is accepting & not obsessing over an outcome (when it comes, how you will achieve it) because you know it’s yours already. detaching doesn’t mean not caring or not thinking about our manifestations or —in this case— our desired realities. it means not overthinking your desires.

detaching is ultimately trusting yourself & the universe. that everything will work out in your favor no matter what.

you must change yourself before anything else. once the concept of self is changed, everything else in your life will follow. you decide what you are worthy of. you decide what life you want to live. you are the only one who can truly define yourself. every one else, every other person you have come across, only has their assumption & interpretation of you.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

i want to take a moment to speak about timing. there is no set time your manifestation will come. everyone attracts at different rates. it takes some people days to shift for the first time, it takes others months and some it can take years. patience & persistence is vital in manifesting.

example. some people are able to solve math problems really fast & get every answer correct on exam. while others need more time to preform at the same rate as the students who are able to complete their work faster. the quality of the work is the same. vs if the person who needed more time on math exams rushed through every single problem resulting in getting the answers wrong. everyone goes at their own pace & that’s okay.

a second example. let’s say your baking a cake. you put in all the ingredients correctly, you have to correct sized pan. but when it comes to baking it — let’s say 45 minutes — you keep opening the oven door to check on it every minute. it’ll never cook. you have to give things time & the seeds you’ve planted time to grow.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

[sophieinwonderland]

R/syscringe just armchair diagnosed a spiritual system with Major Depressive Disorder.

I can't see an ounce of anything that would imply the system has that?

https://www.reddit.com/r/SystemsCringe/s/hynO5ZIkBy

What the fuck is wrong with that subreddit?

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I think they're trying to make a comparison.

It's probably more like "imagine if you said this about depression and yet they say it about DID!"

Still pretty dishonest, since being a system isn't a disorder. And even if u/xXxHuntressxXx believes all systems are disordered, they at least should know the spiritual system isn't actually claiming to have DID here when they describe themselves as a spiritual system.

I also want to mention this though, because I found it amusing.

I would love to hear u/rise_over_run25 explain why imposition is bullshit!

The thing about imposition is that it is, at its core, just vivid imagination. Some tulpamancy guides that teach you how to do this recommend not even starting with tulpas, but with inanimate objects like rocks and marbles.

Can you look in front of you and imagine yourself in the physical world? Can you, in the imagined form wave at the you in the body?

Congrats, that's imposition! You just imposed yourself! Something which any headmate in the system has the power to do, using your shared brain to imagine themselves externally.

I mean, there's a little bit of nuance in this, where some systems will use imposition as a catch-all for any externally-imagined form as I just did, and some only consider it imposition if it reaches a certain threshold of vividness they would classify as hallucinatory.

That might take training of your brain's visualization skills to achieve.

But what I really want to get across, that some people seem to not understand, is that imposition isn't some weird mystical superpower. It's a basic function of the human brain that even singlets can do.

It's also using the same mechanisms as the inner world, just to appear externally instead of in a fully imagined environment.

(Would highly recommend u/rise_over_run25 read my Headmate Manifestations post where I discuss the relationship between different ways headmates can appear.)

[mr-double-downer]

I am not sure how to phrase this properly but with all the CSM stuff, pre-nut madness is also manifested differently between the genders at least stereotypically in the west.

You're on tumblr, you see all the girls on here and their demons when they get horny. Except the regret is usually manifested as more of an "ew I cant believe I slept with X or did Y" where the guy gets blocked or implicitly denigrated, and it is more of a somewhat silly mistake. Implicitly or explicitly there is the notion that the pre-nut madness woman was simply misguided and why would she ever stoop so low but oh well, that wasn't the real her but okies all is forgiven.

But with guys there is a lot more internalized and externalized shame with horniness and especially pre/post-nut clarity. Not to do the "men X women Y double standard" card because there is a bit of similarities in regrettable hookups specifically, but when it comes to transgressing personal boundaries is where i think it is different. Doing something deeply transgressive sexually as a male regardless of how you feel about it, is often seen far more as who you truly are or letting your secrets out for lack of a better term. That you are judged more for your lowest lows as indicative of who you really are.

So Denji can't have a deeply shameful and self-loathing view of sexuality and human connections, either he is taken advantage of, or he really likes it, at least according to a lot of people on here. This doesn't really make much sense, sorry you dont have to publish it and it is hard to describe but there is a very male-centric sense of shame and self hatred and vulnerability around sex that is hard to explain and I think CSM is one of the few to really get the nuance of wanting something, having it, and then hating yourself for it in a way little else has been able to convey. To want to open yourself up and be vulnerable but also be disgusted by the fact that a part of you has been laid bare and you know logically sex isnt that taboo and lots of other people have it but at the same time you think something is wrong with you specifically.

[oliviaswrldd]

𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐘 𝐎𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅, 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 ♡

Hi lovely humans ♡

I want to talk about relying on external things in order to manifest, enter the void state or shift.

And this post is mainly directed to people who are relying on subliminals, affirmations or other people.

No matter what you want to "achieve" from above points, you don't have to lift damn finger to get it.

Let's say you want to manifest desired apperance. Instead of simply deciding, feeling (knowing) you've got your desired, new apperance - you are listening to subliminals with caption: listen to this subliminal and manifest your desired apperance overnight!

And let me finish, let me finish.

Listening to subliminals is good, i have nothing against it. You can listen to them just to remind yourself that you have it. But listening to subliminals in order to achieve what you want and relying on it... hmm.

If i listen to this subliminal i will manifest my new apperance!!

Of course law of assumption is law of ASSUMPTION, so your assumptions manifest.

So if your assumption is that if you listen to certain subliminal or if you affirm 599 times that you have it, then it will manifest - it will manifest. (it already did). That is your assumption.

But i want you to realize that you don't have to do all these things. And i will repeat it all the time because that's the truth.

Affirming, listening to subliminals are supposed to REMIND you. Not to make you get something. It supposed to make you be in the state of the wish fulfillied. In the state that you know that you have it and you have nothing to do, because you decided.

You decide that you have it = You have it

There's actually one thing left i want to talk about and i think it's the worst of it all.

RELYING ON OTHER PEOPLE.

Going and asking other bloggers: what i'm doing wrong? or can you manifest for me?

Like brooo

And it's okay to ask questions. I used to ask other loa or void bloggers when i wasn't sure about something. It's totally fine. But asking about "what i'm doing wrong, why it doesn't work" or begging for manifest for you.

This is why it doesn't work. Because you are wondering why your desire isn't there. You are in state of someone who searching for something. You are desperately trying to GET.

In that state you will never get anything, beacuse you are trying to get, when there's actually nothing to get.

You are constantly in that state. As if you were running in close circle and searching for edge.

Why you asking others to do something for you when the only person who can do something for you is YOU?

I went and still going through void and shifting journey and now i know what i should do. I feel relieved. I feel fulfillied. And of course i had my bad times - let's be honest, all of us had.

But remember darling that after storm there is always the rainbow.

Rely on yourself. All you've got is YOU.

[stateswscarlet]

would you feel like you were doing something wrong if your desire didn’t manifest in the 3D?

how can a person be 100% sure they changed states without needing the 3d to prove that they did? for years i *thought* i changed states but the 3d remains the same. how can i really know?

is it because I’m not fulfilling myself enough? i feel like i’ve imagined my desires enough and it just seems counterproductive at this point.

"ive imagined my desires enough and it just seems counterproductive at this point"

bro you do realize youre ALWAYS imagining right? you're always imagining and always fulfilling yourself for whatever state you're in. its not some brand new magical method that you're using lol. thinking this is a process that starts in imagination and ends in the 3D is the exact kind of mindset that keeps you stuck where you are. this starts IN imagination AND ends IN imagination.

also, youre basically implying you don't care about your own feelings and wellbeing without the external showing you something, bc imagining and being the one who has it should be exciting and fulfilling for you, how is it counterproductive when that is LITERALLY all you will ever experience even when the 3D reflects it? why are you being so dependent on the external when the external can never fulfill you?

you be 100% sure you changed states by fully fulfilling yourself and being CONTENT in that. no looking, checking, etc bc those would imply you did not shift states. if you're waiting for the 3D to do anything, that is your sign of what state you're occupying and if you can, shift to a more fulfilling one, you CANNOT be conditioning your fulfillment on the 3D even when it comes to non-loa things bc that's the secret (not really) sauce to why so many ppl are dissatisfied and upset.

youre probably not imagining what you truly want and not changing self, and given what you said, if you're getting sick of 'imagining" that shows exactly where your head has been the whole time, you've been imagining to change the 3D and not purely bc you deserve to feel good and no one can give you those feelings but yourself.

[makeitmingi]

Cause Baby You're My Muse [Chapter 54]

Genre: Romance, Idol!AU, Music, Slight angst

Pairing: Mingi x Reader (y/n)

Characters: Producer!Reader, IdolLyricist!Mingi, IdolProducer!Hongjoong, Idol!Seonghwa, Idol!Yunho, Idol!Wooyoung, Idol!San, Idol!Yeosang, Idol!Jongho, cameo(s) by other celebrities

Summary: You always preferred producing underground, having an unknown face and governed by your own rules. But when you start freelancing for idol groups, you say goodbye to your lone wolf lifestyle as you learn to work with idol producers and lyricists.

Word count: 3.3K

The fans noticed. Of course they noticed, they were so observant and focused on their 8 idols that they would know when something was wrong in a heartbeat. The way their smiles didn't reach their eyes, the way they kept their playfulness to a minimum when on stage and the way they would go quiet for a few seconds.

The way Mingi would space out and need Yunho to bring him back down to earth. The managers tried to motivate them but it was useless. Even Hongjoong was different.

They hardly saw him around the dorm, except for when they had schedules together. He was cooped up in his studio outside of KQ.

He didn't even want to use the open room that used to be your studio. He'd much rather use the external one.

Sure, they weren't actually in a relationship with you like Mingi was. But they all felt the stab to their chest, the betrayal and hurt when Mingi told them what happened.

They had never seen Yunho that upset. But it was hard to watch when your best friend comes in, absolutely broken and unconsolable.

'What happened to Ateez? The recent change in demeanour has caused fans to worry and speculate!'

'Is KQ overworking their idols?'

'ATINYs are calling for change, give the idols a break!'

'Is this how your idols change after a few first place trophies? Some ATINYs are disappointed at the change in attitude from the boys. Some citing that they feel the boys are different after they had a very successful comeback season.'

Of course news outlets were having the time of their lives, jumping at every opportunity that they could. But Ateez didn't care, they've been mistreated before, this isn't new to them.

"Alright, everyone. We will be meeting CEO Kim today. So please, try to look alive." The managers begged.

"Yes, hyung." The boys said, breaking up to go get ready. Instead of going to get ready, Yunho entered his best friend's room.

"Mingi ah. We need to get ready. CEO Kim will be meeting us." Yunho shook his best friend.

Mingi... was broken. He tried to act tough, he tried to act like he didn't care, that he was better off without you. But that only last for a few days. Now, he's cooped up in his room, wallowing.

What makes thing worse is that his anxiety was back and the attacks manifested as nightmares now.

"Come on." Yunho was patient, helping Mingi out as much as he could. Mingi sat up, his eyes void of any emotions. Now, it was like he was a ghost, just moving through the motion. But in all honesty, he was just exhausted. Crying his heart out was one thing but every time he closed his eyes, he would see you.

It hurt.

"Yeah." Mingi waved his best friend off, standing up and shuffling out to the bathroom to get ready. He didn't bother looking at his reflection, knowing it would be horrendous.

"Mingi hyung." Jongho stopped the older when he emerged from the bathroom. Mingi lifted his head to look at the youngest.

"I... Nevermind... Here." Jongho handed the taller a mug of iced americano that he brewed.

"Thanks." Mingi didn't press Jongho to spit out whatever he had to say, which would be what he usually did. He took the mug of coffee and brought it to his room.

"Oh, hyung..." Jongho sighed, thinking back to what happened last night.

"So how has your new school been, little bear?" Jongho asked, looking at her through the screen. Wooyoung was at the dance studio having late practice while Yeosang was with San at the gym. That left Jongho to have his usual call with Haneul alone.

"It's okay! I'm having fun but I am still trying to make friends. Everyone else already has a best friend." She pouted. That made Jongho coo at her.

"Well, I am sure when the other kids know how amazing you are, they'll ALL want to be your best friend." He chuckled.

"Really?! You think so?!" She brightened up.

"I know so." He replied. He didn't know what about Haneul just made him melt into a puddle.

"I miss you, bear oppa. I miss the other oppas too..." She said sadly. Jongho didn't say anything, he wasn't really sure what to say. But he felt like there was something else she wanted to add.

"Go on, little bear. You can tell me." He encouraged.

"I can't say I miss you. When I talk about you or the other oppas, unnie gets... very sad. So I can't tell her I miss you. Because I think she misses the oppas too. Some times, I see unnie crying or looking at pictures." Haneul said sadly. Jongho sighed softly, Haneul was just that observant and smart for that age.

"That's nice of you, little bear. You know, thinking about how your unnie feels. But you can tell her you miss us. It's okay to share how you feel with her." Jongho told her.

"I don't want unnie to be sad. I don't want her to cry. When she sleeps next to me, she's always saying she's sorry." Haneul said.

"Oh, little bear, I'm sorry. It must hurt you."

"No... I just want to make unnie happy. I don't want her to be sad anymore." She said sadly.

Jongho was conflicted. He knew the only way to make you happy was to bring you back here, to be with Ateez and specifically Mingi. That was the only way for everyone to be happy again.

"I'll speak to you soon, little bear. Cheer up. Everything will be alright." Jongho assured with a small smile.

"Really?" She asked.

"I'm sure it will be." Jongho melted. With a small wave, Haneul hung up. Jongho sighed and removed the Airpods from his ears. He jumped when he saw someone standing at his doorway. He was so engrossed in his conversation that he didn't hear anyone come in.

"H-Hyung." Jongho stuttered.

"Was that Indigo?" Seonghwa asked softly, closing the door behind him. Saying your name was like the new taboo of the dorm.

"No. Haneul..." Jongho replied. He began to tell the oldest how you requested for him to maintain some sort of relationship with Haneul, which he was more than happy to oblige with.

"Did you have a chance to speak to her?" Seonghwa sat on the edge of the bed, not wanting others to overhear.

"No. She only says hi then passes the phone to Haneul." The youngest shook his head.

"Hyung, I think we should tell them. Make the CEO launch that investigation. Even if it doesn't bring Indigo back... I just hate that we're acting like it's her fault." Jongho said sadly.

"I understand. Indigo is the victim in all this, she's not at fault at all. It's because of us that she's being targeted in the first place, receiving all those death threats. And she didn't have to but she left and would rather take all the hate and blame from the others instead." Seonghwa sighed.

"But we told Indigo that we wouldn't tell them. At least, not yet. I'm worried Mingi might lose it and I don't know how much more he can take." He added.

"But this isn't right, hyung. I don't like that Indigo is being seen as the bad guy." Jongho frowned.

"It's really taking a toll on her as well. Haneul tells me she's not doing well over there and the little girl is worried." He shook his head.

Now Seonghwa knew why Jongho wanted to tell the others to truth. It wasn't a secret that Jongho cared for Haneul dearly, their relationship was like what you and Hongjoong had.

"Knowing the truth... might help Hongjoong hyung too..." Jongho spoke. Seonghwa nodded in agreement.

"No, no. We need to wait for a bit. Let's wait until we can contact Indigo. If we tell everyone, they may all just rush to contact her and that may overwhelm her. Or I'm worried Mingi or Wooyoung fly to where she is." Seonghwa reasoned.

"Oh, hyung. You're here." A tired Wooyoung trudged in, surprised to see the oldest there with the maknae. Seonghwa nodded and got up with a tight smile on his face.

"Good work, Wooyoungie." Seonghwa patted the male on the shoulder. Wooyoung gave a small smile.

'We'll talk about this again. - Seonghwa hyung'

Jongho looked at the text that came in from Seonghwa after he had left the room. He let out a huff of frustration, making Wooyoung give him an odd look.

"Yah, you're bending the spoon." San said, making Jongho snap out of his thoughts. He looked down to see the bent spoon in his hands.

"Oh, sorry." Jongho tried to bend the spoon back to straighten the handle. In the end, he tossed the spoon in the sink and went to the room to change into presentable clothes. This sudden meeting with the CEO was an unexpected spanner thrown in. As the boys gathered, Seonghwa cast Jongho a look.

"Hongjoong's already at the studio so he'll meet us there." The manager said as he ushered everyone downstairs and into their two respective vans.

The van ride was mostly silent, well, Seonghwa's van was. Mingi had his headphones on, looking out the window. Jongho was stewing and Yunho just kept giving Mingi worried glances.

"Let's go." The managers led all of them upstairs. They bumped into Hongjoong.

"I brought you fresh clothes to change." Yeosang handed Hongjoong the paper bag with clothes.

"Thanks." Hongjoong smiled tiredly and went to the bathroom to change. Hongjoong was... taking it a lot harder than Seonghwa expected. Maybe because Hongjoong found himself genuinely caring for you and he felt abandoned.

Only Hongjoong, himself, would know how he feels. But the way he was living now was definitely not healthy. Seonghwa needed to help him keep everyone together.

"Ah, boys. Come in." CEO Kim said, waving for everyone to come into the meeting room.

"Good afternoon, CEO." The 8 boys bowed.

"Sit, sit." The CEO let out a long exhale as he gestured for the 8 to take their seats. They moved to the opposite side of the table so they could sit across him.

"Now, I'm not sure if you have an idea as to why I called you all in. But it is regarding how Ateez has been since Producer Indigo's departure." The CEO leaned forward on his hands.

"We're very sorry, sir. I promise we are more professional than this. We should know better than to let our emotions affect our performance like this. We'll be better and I'll make sure that the boys are better, I promise you." Hongjoong stood up, bowing deeply to the CEO as he apologised.

"I've been talking to the teams. And with comeback season more or less over, we'll be putting you guys on vacation." The CEO said.

"What?" The boys were puzzled.

"You're bound to have a vacation anyway. We're just pushing it forward now. Fans are worried that we're overworking you and that's not a good look for the company." He frowned.

"We understand, sir. We apologise for that, it wasn't out intention to give off that sort of impression." Seonghwa said.

"Whether it was intentional or not, it's what the fans speculate. The fans are disappointed by your lack of commitment to this comeback, I am too." He sighed.

"Use the vacation to pick yourselves up. You're idols. Whatever is going on off stage, you do not let that affect your performance on stage. Especially in front of the fans. Everything you do is under public scrutiny. You should know that." CEO Kim chided.

"Yes, we know." The boys said.

"This was also the best decision because we cannot afford to put just Mingi on another break. It is not a good look for you as a group and for Mingi as an idol." CEO Kim turned to the rapper.

"I'm very sorry for causing all this trouble, CEO. I'll be better for the group and the fans." Mingi bowed.

"You better." CEO Kim said seriously and Mingi nodded his head.

"Look, boys. I know you were all very close and Indigo leaving was rather abrupt. Mingi, I know break ups are hard. But all this, they're part and parcel of life." He sighed.

"Sir, I-" Not only Mingi but the others were stunned by what their CEO just said.

"You didn't think I would know about your relationship? Indigo came to tell me herself. She offered to take all the blame and scolding for it if anything bad were to happen." He revealed.

"What do you mean, if anything bad were to happen?" Mingi frowned in confusion.

"That's all I have to say. You're welcomed to go home during your vacation or travel overseas, same protocol applies in terms of declaring your travels for safety reasons. I hope to see you all back to normal after the vacation." CEO Kim stood up from the table. The 8 followed suit and stood up to bow to him.

"Thank you, sir. We're sorry." They bowed.

"If only things were different, Indigo wouldn't have had to leave." Mingi's eyes widened at the last comment made by his CEO before he walked out of the room.

Yunho looked at his best friend that was frozen in his spot, knowing that his head was racing with thoughts at the CEO's words.

"Alright, let's all head back to the dorm. I think we need to talk." Hongjoong said.

"Yes, captain." All of them filed out of the meeting room. It seemed like the managers already knew what happened as they quietly ushered the boys back to the vans and drove them home.

"What do you think he meant, Yunho?" Mingi croaked out.

"I'm... not sure. But don't think too much about it, Mingi ah." Yunho squeezed his best friend on the shoulder. Mingi nodded glumly and climbed into the van with Yunho behind him. Jongho was chewing on his lip, casting Seonghwa an uneasy look.

'No'. Seonghwa mouthed and shook his head. Luckily Yunho and Mingi were having their own hushed conversation in the back to notice the oldest and youngest up front.

The guilt was settling in Mingi even more. He has let the group down once again, as well as ATINY and CEO Kim.

But he was still holding onto a thread of hope. That this was all a nightmare, that he didn't have to force himself to hate you for what you did.

"Ateez, sit down in the living room." Hongjoong said the moment all 8 of them were back in the dorm.

"Thanks hyungs, I'll take over from here." He turned to the managers, who nodded and patted the captain on the shoulder before leaving. Hongjoong let out a long sigh and went to the living room.

"I'm sorry I have been letting my emotions get the best of me. I didn't really expect her departure to make me shut myself down... to the point whereby I've been neglecting my duties as the captain to all of you and to the fans." Hongjoong started and bowed his head in apology to the 7.

"Hyung... There's nothing for you to apologise for." Wooyoung whispered softly, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Mr CEO was right. Let's use this vacation to rest and get back to where we were. We have to do it for ATINY." Yunho said. The others nodded in agreement.

"Indigo was someone we all treated as family, some more than others. But if she can move on, so can we." San said, looking at Mingi.

"Whatever happened between me and her, I shouldn't have let it affect the rest of you. You've all already dealt with a lot on my behalf." Mingi shook his head. Yunho rubbed his back as a form of comfort.

"People will come and go. But we'll be okay." Yeosang smiled softly and Hongjoong covered his eyes to weep.

"It's okay." Seonghwa comforted him as he cried.

"Even if we knew that there was no certainty that Indigo was going to stay, she shouldn't have done that to Mingi. It wasn't right, it was unfair and selfish. We were not there to know what really happened but look how torn up Mingi is." Wooyoung frowned.

"I agree. There was no need to be harsh about it." Yunho added, obviously siding with his best friend.

"I think that's what's hurting us the most. That we expected more or put more faith in our relationship with her. And that led us to the disappointment we felt." Hongjoong concluded.

There was a heaviness in Mingi's chest. He was grateful for his members being protective of him and siding with him. But hearing them speak negatively of you still made him uncomfortable and hurt.

"Damn it." Jongho cursed under his breath, looking away with a bitter look on his face.

"Jongho?" The 7 turned to the youngest of the group.

Even if Jongho wasn't the closest to you, you still supported him and he knew what you went through. You didn't deserve to be thought of as such.

"Sorry." He mumbled and stood up, walking to the bedroom and shutting the door. Seonghwa stood up and went after Jongho, entering the room and closing the door. The others just left them alone, let the oldest one speak to the youngest to offer him comfort. The other 6 just sat there.

"W-What do you think the CEO meant in his last statement?" Mingi suddenly brought up.

"What do you mean?" San asked.

"He said 'If only things were different, Indigo wouldn't have had to leave'. What did he mean by 'if only things were different'?" Mingi asked. The others looked at each other, shrugging.

"D-Do you think something happened?" This was Mingi leaning on his last thread of hope.

"I don't know what he meant by that. But don't harp on it too much, Mingi ah. It's easier to let go than to hold on to silver linings."

"Hongjoong hyung is right." Yunho said. Mingi nodded glumly, his head hanging low.

Unbeknownst to Seonghwa and Jongho, Wooyoung had been listening in to their conversation. He wondered why Jongho suddenly had that little outburst earlier, considering the youngest hasn't been showing much of a reaction to you leaving.

"We have to tell them the truth, hyung. This is wrong. Like Hongjoong hyung, you were her older brother. Would you not want to defend her?" Jongho asked in frustration.

"Of course I would. You think I want to sit there and listen to that? But we promised Indigo." Seonghwa replied.

"Sometimes, you need to break promises, hyung." Jongho said.

"We've already failed to protect her before, Jongho. The least we can do is to keep this promise. We tell them the truth then what? Can you stop Mingi from going after her?" Seonghwa asked.

"Will you be able to stop Mingi from blaming himself? Or the others like Hongjoong, Wooyoung?" He continued.

"Indigo isn't going to come back. Why do you think she made such as effort to make Mingi hate her?"

"But this is wrong, hyung. If the other hyungs know the truth, they wouldn't speak so ill of her, like she's the one that did all the wrong. When she's the victim in all this. If they knew, maybe they'll push the CEO to launch the internal investigation then Indigo can come back." Jongho reasoned.

"Whoever this person is, we can't let them get away with it. Indigo is gone but does that mean the investigation isn't to happen? We act like it didn't happen and carry on?"

"I... I don't know. But what I'm saying is, we think it over and don't act rashly." Seonghwa sighed.

"Tell us the truth about what?" Wooyoung opened the door, getting the attention of the 2 in the bedroom and the 5 in the living room.

~

Series Masterlist

[ariel26c]

Hi Ariel I will tell you something I hope you will help me and thank you in advance I have known the law for a long time but I could not understand it and I did not apply it. but finally THE TIME HAS COME I have scripted a new life for myself. When I get bored, I live in it. I have actually been trying for a long time, even many times. I started to like 3D recently. I did some shopping and regained my energy. I love shopping. Something changed for me today, everything clicked in its place, I can understand that I will permanently change my reality and I know that we change with every election. But I have some questions, here are some

1-) Let's assume that I am person x right now. I'm changing and becoming person Y If there are countless versions of us, what does it matter if I change? If when I become y, x will continue with his life the same way, why do I change? Which one will be the "real" me? Actually my opinion on this matter was that there are countless versions of us but there is only one real me. Is it really like this? I hope so because then what would be the point of everything? It's so sad. Ah I really wonder your opinion on this matter I am failing and the only reason for this is this matter

2-) I love my family and acquaintances very much, I am very attached to them, I want them to be present in my new scenario, I will only change the lives and names of a few people from my family. I want them all to live the happiest, richest, most amazing life. Isn't that really going to happen? Sometimes I feel like I'm going somewhere far away from them and that scares me.

3-) I don't know how to deal with my old reality. I constantly start thinking that I will change soon. I had experienced bad things once and that's when I fell into this mindset. and I'm really trying to quit I need to go shopping oh I'll change soon anyway but when it's like this I get into a waiting state and I guess wrong

I am waiting for your answer, thank you in advance 🥰

1. The old you and new version of you is still you. You are always manifesting therefore you are always choosing a reality to experience. The old you still exists but it won’t be you anymore because you’re in your new reality and identifying as your new self. You change your reality by choosing to become aware of a reality that already exists. This is something natural because it’s something we are always doing. I believe in infinite realities and just because you aren’t aware of every single one doesn’t mean that it isn’t the real you. All realities of you are you.

2. You can change your reality and change their realities as well by becoming aware of your desired reality that involves your loved ones being happy and living a good life. If you become aware of that reality where they are happiest then it will manifest into your reality.

3. It’s not about changing it’s about being. To change the external world you need to change yourself within first by being. Be your desired self by becoming aware of your desired reality. Think and be your new self. Naturally the outer world will change but it’s about being your desired self.

[fluffypotatey]

Don't think I ever explained it, but the reason I like SWK accidentally killing Mac so much isn't actually for the whumpy apologies, tho the confrontation of it in fics is always so delicious, but what has me going insane is actually the layers of their relationship breakdown. Like, you have these two immortal monkeys, they are perfectly designed by fate for each other's companionship. There is genuine care there, and it never dies. Never. They were just torn apart so tragically. Nobody fell to the dark side, there was no jealousy, no hatred. There was just every manifestation of grief and miscommunication. You could never get the right words out. You couldn't help what came out of your mouth in that moment, the bitterness you would have swallowed back in for just one more morning of peeling tangerines in the summer breeze, all the quiet ways to say 'I love you.' Their break-up was like shredding bamboo, the faults and woes, the insecurities and failings, and the hurtful words and the entrapment and all the ways you can't reach, and the loss of everything and the denial and oh, the time just wasn't right, it all boiled over, and speaking a language that can no longer be heard, and the shattering of unconditionality. They had their own flaws, that you never could have thought would tear them apart, but it did. And they had to go on their own journeys of self-growth, had their own people and places they were devoted to, they were the only ones for each other, but they were not only meant for that. And goodness, was it the wrong time. Wukong, trapped, the loss of freedom he fought for, to be the strongest so he could be free and happy, and everyone else too. Macky, constantly grappling with having to follow the sun-streaked trail Wukong blazes, even the moon unable to pause the day unless the sun chooses to set in its ambition to climb higher into the sky, never coming down. The accident of it all? Even if Swk never did, the "did you think all this time, that I could kill you just like that? like you meant nothing to me?" is going to be SUCH a good broken, grief-stricken line delivery from Wukong. But if not, then ooh, the exploration for those who have a similar anger they try to control, when they release emotions externally, and might accidentally break something, those moments don't define you, but how could you undo the damage, how do you make it normal when its not an object you broke, you hurt a friend, it was you, but it also wasn't you had it only been, what if what if what if- if only, and that's a very basic explanation, and even I can't get all the words down right, but its just a realistic thing, how it all fell apart, I think. that conversation has layers, even if I explain it poorly XD you could grab every tragic tumblr post about fading friendships, and love metaphors with sharing quiet spaces and fruit together, and it could be them. also the "came back wrong" trope potential with Macky, ooh. is it him. despite everything, are you still you, could you ever be. are you the same person killed long ago, is this for the best, or shall we both start over again? can you be recognized underneath it all, and is that tragic or a second chance.

god they have so many layers and one of the cool things about lmk keeping Macky’s death and the specifics of shadowpeach’s relationship vague is how much nuance and subtext is left in there. you can peel back layers upon layers and pain upon pain and bond upon bond and still find new info and interpretations and nuances and—

I know you’ve seen me gripe about not being given enough info, but i do really enjoy it when the story allows us to infer and think deeply about certain aspects of the story. I like it when a story isn’t 100% clear or honest to the audience because that leads you to look deeper. think deeper. and try to fathom all the clues brought to you

(but i gripe about it because i’m inpatient af and like having all the pieces right in front of me. there are so many threads and plot theories i have on my little conspiracy board that i don’t want to touch just yet because i feel like i need more pieces before making a confident analysis)

another thing is that both swk and Macky are unreliable when retelling their past. they have their biases and emotions that are tied to the memories. however, swk omits the truth more than outright lies while Macky cannot keep his emotions away from skewing the past. and then the clear truth comes out when it’s forced out from them (think Samadhi fire and scroll memories)

(then again, swk doesn’t really say much of his past and likes to keep it brief. out of the two he is the most honest in terms of he’s self reflective and understands that his past self has issues. is he completely honest about shit tho? no but we’re talking about shadowpeach)

and the cool thing is that “the love was still there” in the past and even when both were on opposite ends. both monkeys were falling into a darker path and while they had communication issues the love was still there. and even while they fought under the mountain and even when they probably fought during jttw, the love was still there

but neither had the tools to save each other and neither really knew how to stop each other from their doom and isn’t that such a beautiful thing to analyze and think about on the screen?

[kiirotoao]

Guys.

I think I cracked the case to why many people (namely the GA) don’t like Mike. And it’s because his character arc is external, rarely internal, compared to other characters.

In season 1, one of the most memorable things to me that stood out about Mike was his ability to communicate. He was straightforward, very level-headed, and tried to reason with the unknown. He made his thoughts known, and they were often pretty understandable to those around him, namely Lucas, Dustin, and especially El. His ability to advocate for her really helped bridge the gaps between their world and the Upside Down. Even in just the really small details, Mike prioritized good communication, like when he told/reminded Lucas to end on the Walkie-Talkie with “over” when he was done talking. Mike is also incredibly emotional this season, and we see clearly times of his frustration, sadness, and joy (all of which are very often due to Will, but I will hold off on going in depth in that department lest I ramble about Byler more than I already do). All of this to say - Mike’s focus is on 1) keeping that group mentality, 2) helping El, and 3) finding Will, all things outside of himself.

Then, right off the bat, what’s the problem that Mike faces in season 2? Lack of communication with El. He doesn’t know where she is and he can’t - and arguably doesn’t ever - see her, not even in the void. I can imagine that it’s tough not knowing if a loved one is even alive, so of course Mike is stricken with worry until he sees her again. I think that in season 2, right from the start, we see his mental health take a toll on him as he starts to worry about things going wrong with d’Art, with Max, with Will, with the tunnels, everything. I just think that from a general standpoint, Mike has become more irritable and anxious because he’s lost someone before. And here’s where his attachment to El starts to get much stronger. When he finally sees her again, he’s already scared that he’s about to lose her as she goes off to the gate. All season long, he’s attached at the hip to Will, frustrated about not being able to see El, and generally pretty easily upset by others. All things that I think are a result of internal struggle, but we only see it manifest outwardly. He does get that shed scene moment with Will, but honestly, that’s about it when it comes to Mike’s transparency that season.

Now enter season 3. The conflict right from the start with El is… painful, to say the least. He lies to her, doesn’t try to explain himself until it’s been far too long, and he even calls on Lucas to defend his bs. He’s hiding something, and it’s no longer grief-related. Maybe it is, but we don’t see it. Mike continues to work with the group mentality and he comes up with the sauna test, assumes the worst with the Mind Flayer (and is correct about the spreading of its power), and kinda a throwaway detail, but I can even assume that it was his idea to push the car over using the metal posts in the last episode based on that random comment, “Told you. Physics.” So here’s where things get interesting. Mike is smart, he still is, and he still uses a lot of good communication and strives to connect gaps where they’re needed, and he still often wields the Walkie-Talkie. But when it comes to his relationship with El, Will, too, he falters. Before this season, he was completely in line with the two. But now, in season 3, we never see a clear reason why he thinks what he’s thinking, especially considering the sloth/speed in which he reconnects with El/Will. It is impossible to pinpoint any direct emotional moments from Mike this season because besides the ending scene overlayed over Hopper’s letter, we never truly see Mike let down his guard like he did before. Nor take the leap, like he did in season 1. He’s closed off and we cannot fully see why, not until you begin to interpret down to a deeper, inferential level. Here’s where I think the roadblock especially begins for Mike’s character, because we don’t know what he’s thinking anymore.

Carry this into season 4. Mike seems completely closed off to us, the audience. Now’s a good time for me to say that Finn’s a great actor, though, because truly, we get to see a large array of emotions in Mike’s expressions. And by all means of art and creative media, we don’t necessarily need to hear Mike’s thoughts to know his thoughts, sometimes. But it still goes to show, based on how he behaved in prior seasons, his connection with others and his drive seems completely lacking. He’s falling behind in school, he seems so emotionally distant from El, and, come to think about it, he’s emotionally distant overall. Even with his family and Lucas. I think that a simple explanation to why he’s acting this way is because he’s forced to grow up and grow up apart from his girlfriend and best friend. He’s not happy. And seeing that manifest externally often causes the isolation of internal things. Think about Max’s story but in Mike’s shoes - except we don’t get to see Mike’s struggles. His one emotional outlier is with Will, however, who he openly expresses his thoughts to and even finds a chance to smile again with. And even though he’s largely not in Hawkins anymore, we still see him use his ingenuity. He figures out the Nina number. He knows where Suzie lives. He can hone in when he’s needed. But even then, no matter what he does, he’s unmistakably hampered. He can’t keep up communication when he’s separated from Hawkins. He’s separated from El. Once again, he’s miserable. His one constant is Will, but even then, he buys the lie in the van scene. So, in the words of Finn Wolfhard himself,

(Caption: “He’s just such an idiot.”) I really think that Mike is trying his best. But ever since the start of season 3, so, essentially, half of the time we’ve seen him onscreen, he’s been closing himself off to the audience. And he might just be an idiot, but that doesn’t translate to how he thinks under pressure. Emotionally, perhaps, he’s an idiot. But is he a total idiot? I don’t think so. His seeming idiocy simply comes out so strongly in the later seasons because we cannot draw reason to his behavior like we could before.

Compare this to Lucas who has several dear moments where he opens up to Max season to season. Compare this to Dustin, who doesn’t ever really hide his thoughts. Compare this to Will, whose life we’ve seen the ups and downs all the time. Compare this to Max and her beautiful arc from introduction to depression. Compare this to El and her entire story of finding who she is. Hell, compare this to Steve, who has several glimpses of his life and struggles season to season. Compare this to Robin’s coming out and her struggle with Vickie. Compare this to Jonathan and his talks with Nancy and Argyle. Compare this to Nancy and the constant dilemmas of love and respect. I could go on and on. The characters are written with an emotional story in mind. So if Mike is one of them, who’s to say that his struggle isn’t something to be revealed for season 5?

And now, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t bring this all home with Will. Who has been a consistent source of emotional vulnerability for Mike? Who does Mike let his guard down around? Who does Mike consistently pursue and amend any wrongs with near as soon as possible? Who considers Mike to be the heart? If we’re gonna complain about Mike being closed off or annoying, I get it. I want to see more of his thoughts, too. And the remedy? It’s none other than the one right beside him. The one person who’s never going to give up on him. I think that the only answer to melt that heart is Will Byers.

(So yeah. I can’t wait for Byler to be endgame and for all this discourse about Mike’s true character to end because of it ☺️)

[justajsworkshop]

Thank you.

I'll keep this short but- I had taken a break for a few months. The entire states thing did not do me any good. When I came back, I read too much tumblr, twitter and reddit and now I'm confused on how to proceed.

I came across your blog yesterday and on skimming through a couple of your asks, you seem to not stick to the traditional rules and terminology which I truly appreciate. And I hope you can give me some advice.

-1) The lack of guidelines is making me feel kinda scared. One person tells that all there's left to do is decide, another tells that we have to 'know' it into being. Too much info has left me confused. I think I used feel safe when I knew I just had to do x, y and z and then I'll have what I want. How can I navigate through this? Everything feels kinda mixed up, if that makes sense

2)So, I read this-> https://www.tumblr.com/justajsworkshop/761700924577267712/im-the-anon-who-wanted-to-cry-this-is-silly-but?source=share

ask, because this was one of the questions I had. And the last sentence you wrote was-'manifesting is just choosing what that narrative is.' Do I choose and then...just leave it? I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose? And where does faith/knowing come into play in all this?

I'm sorry if I sent anything that violates your ask policy. I'll send another ask if it did. Thank you for your time and help❤️

mmm, okay. so, i'm going to address a few of the specific lines you said here, and i think one thing you'll find when getting "answers" from me is that i tend to veer toward posing more questions to you, but my intention is that the questions will help you source answers from yourself instead of an outside god.

i want to give you a quick heads up that this is egregiously long (even by my standards) with minimal proofreading, and it's also very direct. so i recommend reading at a time when you're not feeling super sensitive or precious about yourself. as i say with everything i write, take what resonates. leave what doesn't. trust yourself more than you trust me.

I think I used feel safe when I knew I just had to do x, y and z and then I'll have what I want. How can I navigate through this?

preface: i generally don't answer "how" questions, but this is an open enough one that you actually captured the essence of why i ask people not to start with the word "how." people often want me to tell them what to do, but you're asking how to understand something in a different way. just adding this note here for future reference for other folks.

i'll be direct here: you used to find safety in a step-by-step process because it was easier for you to trust a process instead of trusting yourself.

truthfully, if you want to continue perceiving yourself, reality, and manifestation that way, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. your experience is entirely subjective to your preferences and not what anyone else says.

that being said, the reason i personally caution against putting your faith in processes above all is that what happens when a process "doesn't work?" what happens when results start taking longer or something else happens? and you start spiraling because you believe the process failed you; therefore, you're doing it all wrong, and you spin a narrative that you must be missing something, blah blah blah. the cycle of eternal seeking starts all over again because what you're really seeking is yourself.

anytime you create an external god, they are bound to let you down. plain and simple. so, who is your faith and trust secure in? I AM.

I AM is the ultimate process. I AM is the method, the way, the how, and the shift. I AM is just your awareness of being. you're aware that you exist, right? you didn't have to follow any process or technique or learn anything to know you exist. you just know because you just are.

(i have tons of posts on your awareness, but the most useful ones are linked in my pinned post.)

i always edit descartes' famous "i think; therefore, i am" to be extra redundant for the sake of emphasis: i exist; therefore, i am. and this leads me into this question of yours:

Do I choose and then...just leave it? I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose?

we manifest who and what we are conscious of being. your narrative of being isn't just a one-time decision, although it is entirely possible to manifest by deciding once (i do it often). but i want you to pan out and look at the whole forrest and not just the trees.

who do you say you are?

if god were to look at you—to peer into your heart and mind—what's your attitude about yourself and life? what does god see in you? do you perceive yourself as someone who gets what they want? as someone who's capable? as someone who, even if they don't have all the answers now, can and will figure it out for themselves?

as i wrote in a post recently, if the term "states" isn't helpful for you, try attitude, as i find that it encompasses thoughts, feelings, and the perception of self in a way that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts.

i'm going to reflect back something you said to show you the kind of attitude i'm getting from you (in this small snippet; i know there's more to you than what you wrote here):

The entire states thing did not do me any good. When I came back, I read too much tumblr, twitter and reddit and now I'm confused on how to proceed. I AM someone who is always chasing the right answer. i want to know the right way to do things because i don't trust myself to be the way. i need someone or something outside of me to instruct me because see the process or someone else's word as a greater authority over my word. I AM confused. I AM not worthy of my trust.

god is looking at all that stuff in italics, and god loves and trusts you enough that it said, anything you ask for in my name (the name of I AM, i.e., it is your nature to identify yourself a certain way), it will be added onto you. no ifs, ands, or buts. you ask for it in the name of god, I AM that I AM, it's yours.

so, what does the person who says "I AM confused" and "I AM not worthy of my trust" manifest? an experience of seeking, confusion, overwhelm, and doubt.

I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose?

you can be non-reactive, but also you don't have to gaslight yourself into unhealthy emotional places. it's not about not reacting; it's about seeing the greater picture. person A says "I AM confused" and treats that as the end. they're literally... living in the end of being confused, and guess what they manifest. person B says, "I AM confused, AND i will figure this shit out." what's the difference between person A and person B? attitude. it's their perception of self and the situation to recognize that everything they're seeing and experiencing rn isn't the full story.

reacting isn't the end of the world. ffs, feel your feelings and do what you need to do to process in healthy ways because repression is just resistance. as neville said, "when you resist evil, you give it your attention; you continue to make it real." in this case, "evil" refers to anything you don't want.

so, if you keep trying "not to react" but it's coming from a place of repressing and pushing it away, you actually end up crediting the undesirable more, and this is why people who go the "fuck the 3D route" tend to get shit exploding back in their face. because they literally say "the 3D is fucked, fuck you" ... and then welp, the 3D fucks them back. like, it has no free will. it has to.

you and reality are one. there is no separation. it's not even just that reality is a mirror or that reality is your thoughts pushed out: all of physical reality is actually happening INSIDE you because physical reality is happening inside the mind of god. and you, your true divine self, are one with the father of all existence.

what makes manifesting confusing as fuck is when people identify with their limited, human self over their divine, limitless, eternal self. as reverend ike says, the only problem man ever has is not knowing himself, not identifying himself correctly.

you'll see it in a bunch of my posts that the first and ONLY step to manifest is to "be still and know that I AM god." and you can actually even chop that down to "know that I AM god" because when you identify as god above all, how can you NOT be one with your desires? how can you be anything else but unbothered and eternally fulfilled? because god is all things, has all things, and through whom all things are possible.

my advice is stop asking how and to start asking who. ask yourself who you really are. ask your true self to reveal themselves to you. ask yourself who do i say i am? and you'll start seeing things not through your physical, limited eyes but through the eyes of god.

anyway, i'm sorry this got so fucking long, and i hope that there was at least a nugget or two in here that helped you. the short of it is, manifesting isn't about how or when or if; it's always about who. who do you say you are? and that will be added onto you because god put all its faith into you to give you the free will to choose your conception of self.

[blubberquark]

Resolution Independence, Zoom, Fractional Scaling, Retina Displays, High-DPI: A Minefield

I already explained how CPU dispatch is a minefield: It doesn't cause intermittent bugs. It often doesn't even cause crashes. Badly implemented CPU dispatch means you build something on your machine that runs on your machine, but doesn't perform the dispatch correctly, so it crashes on somebody else's machine, or something build on a worse machine still runs fine on a better machine, but not as well as it could. Some of the bugs only manifest with a different combination of compiler, build system, ABI, and microarchitecture. CPU dispatch is a minefield because it's easy to get wrong in non-obvious ways.

I recently played an old game on Windows 11, with a high-DPI 2560x1600 (WQXGA) monitor. Text was too small to read comfortably read, and the manufacturer had set the zoom level to 150% by default. When I launched the game, it started in fullscreen mode, at 2560x1660, which Windows somehow managed to zoom up to 3840x2400. The window was centered, with all the UI elements hidden behind the edges of the screen. When I switched from fullscreen to windowed, the window still covered the whole desktop and the task bar. I quit the game and switched to another. That game let me choose the resolution before launch. At first I tried 2560x1660, but nothing worked right. Then I started it again, at 1920x1080. It didn't look quite right, and I couldn't understand what was going on. Windows has scaled the game up to 2880x1620, which looked almost correct. At this point I realised what was happening, and I set the zoom to 100%. Both games displayed normally.

The first game was an old pixel art platformer from the early 2000s, with software rendering. The second is a strategy game built with OpenGL around 2015, with high-resolution textures based on vector art, and with a UI that works equally well on an iPad and on a PC.

It was hard to read things on that monitor, so I set the font scaling to 150%, but somehow that made things harder to read. Some applications did not honour the font size defaults, and others did, and still others had tiny UI elements with big letters that were spilling out.

Next, I tried to run a game on Ubuntu, with Sway (based on wayland) as the desktop environment. It's a different machine, a 15.6 inch 1920x1080 laptop with an external 1920x1080 23 inch monitor attached. I zoomed the internal display of the laptop by 150% in order to have windows appear equally sized on both monitors.

What is happening on Windows 11 seems to be that even OpenGL games that don't think in terms of pixels, but in terms of floating point coordinates that go from -1 to +1 in both the x and y dimension, (so 0.1 screen units are different sizes in different dimensions) are treated the same as software rendering games that give a buffer of software-rendered pixels to the operating system/graphics environment. Making an already resolution-independent window bigger feels pointless.

What I would want to happen by default, especially in the case of the software-rendered game, is for the operating system to just tell my game that the desktop is not sized 2560x1600, but 1706x1066 (or just 1600x1000), and to then scale that window up. If the window is scaled up, mouse position coordinates should be automatically scaled down from real pixels to software pixels, unless the mouse cursor is captured: If I am playing a DOOM clone or any first-person game, I do not want relative mouse sensitivity to decrease when I am playing on a 4K monitor or when I am maximising the window (if playing in windowed mode). If I have a retina/zoomed display attached, and a standard definition/unzoomed display, and there is a window overlapping both screens, then only the part of a window that is on the zoomed display should be zoomed in.

What I would want to happen with a "resolution-independent" game is this: The game queries the size of the monitor with a special resolution-independent query function. There is no way to "just make it backward compatible". This is a new thing and needs new API. The query returns

Size of all desktops in hardware pixels

Size of all screens in real-world centimetres

Preferred standard text size in pt/cm (real world) or pixels

Zoom factor (in percent) of all desktops

Which screens are touch or multi-touch screens

Is dark mode enabled?

Which desktop is "currently active"

The "preferred" desktop to open the window

This information would allow an application to create a window that is the appropriate size, and scale all text and UI elements to the appropriate size. We can't assume that a certain size in pixels is big enough for the user to comfortably hit a button.

Even this information might not be enough. What should be the behaviour if a windowed OpenGL application is dragged between a 4K monitor at 200% zoom, and a 640x480 CRT? Should the OS scale the window down the same way it currently scales windows up when they aren't "retina aware"?

I don't really know. All I do know is that Windows, Mac OS, and different wayland compositors all handle high-DPI zoom/retina differently, in a way that breaks sometimes, in some environments. But it looks fine if you don't have scaling set. There are ways to tell the windowing system "I know what I am doing" if you want to disable scaling, but these are easy to abuse. There's a cargo cult of just setting "NSHighResolutionCapable" or "HIGHDPIAWARE" without understanding why and why not. Win32 provides all the information you need, with a very complex API. Wayland has a very different approach. SDL is aware of the issue.

I really hope SDL3 will make this work. If you get this wrong, you'll only realise when somebody on a different operating system with a different monitor tries to get your game to fit on the screen by fiddling with the registry, and it goes from not fitting on the monitor to text being too small read.

[edsbacktattoo]

ok i was kind of purposefully avoiding the details of the gravy basket theory because it's sounded so dumb but holy shit i really didn't know the extent of it. sorry in advance to be rambling in your inbox.

i thought if i wanted to talk about it i should read the post in full but honestly that was a struggle on its own. it just completely misunderstands the way the show uses ed experiencing purgatory as metaphor. like, the innkeeper does not show us this sort of wish fulfilling dream state at all, and ed externalizing his self hatred into the figment of hornigold is a simple, concise idea that the show specifically goes out of its way to make clear. episode 8 just doesn't have this. like, you'd have to make the argument that literally EVERY CHARACTER PRESENT IN THE EPISODE is somehow representative of an aspect of stede's psyche. it's not just a matter of him projecting his desires into a falsely constructed space, it's a matter of internal issues manifesting from the subconscious, which is what the show has established. it's particularly bizarre to me that they don't make any effort to argue what izzy is meant to represent in this theory, or what him dying could mean symbolically (which is. y'know. the point of the gravy basket as it's been explored). also there's just a complete disregard for ed's arc in the finale which is. eugh. come on.

and this is all still being generous in taking the idea of the "gravy basket" at face value. like, it feels a little ridiculous to even entertain the idea enough to try to argue it. i'm just so baffled.

(it did make me think about psychonauts to the point of wanting to replay it, so. i guess there's that.)

PRECISELY!!!!!!!!! don’t apologise for rambling in my inbox when you’re so correct my dear friend <3

i can’t believe that this theory has such a vice grip on some people. when it first appeared on my dash (and it did, not because a mutual reblogged it, but bc i follow the ofmd tag, and tumblr is evil and gave me the post bc it thought it was being helpful) i thought it was. a joke. i thought the op was having a laugh. but the more i read the more i started to worry. it takes a very distinct lack of media comprehension to come up with something like this.

now, i want to make it clear that i do feel for the people who enjoy izzy normally. like the folks who just like him because he’s interesting and fucked up and strange. the people that don’t woobify him, ya know? those guys are all right.

but the kind of devotion that leads to behaviour like this? threatening and belittling the writers of the show? calling ed violent and thinking he’s going to be an abuser to stede, the man he’s in love with? if you genuinely believe that then there is something seriously wrong with you, and i think you ought to look introspectively <3

also, as a side note, a large criticism i’ve seen for season 2 is poor writing (which is just not at all correct) but to make up for said “poor writing” the theories that people are whipping up are genuinely like. worse? imagine if they did the gravy basket thing again. gravy basket 2: electric boogaloo. that would be bad writing. that would be lazy!!

no, what they did instead was deliberate and careful and beautiful and hopeful. open ended and bittersweet. and yet. AND YET!!!! you get folks trying to cope so bad it makes them look stupid.

and this is all that i will say on the matter. tho, ive never played psychonauts and this might be the thing that makes me dive into that :)