#i did have to Google the chemicals though

[kadisiyuswyrd]

MCR GAYLIST MASTERPOST

Hello, gays. I'm in the process of making a video & I'd like some input.

(I blame @cordspaghetti for keeping Alpharetta Gerard in my mind)

As the title implies, the video will rank every MCR song based on how gay it is in chronological order (more or less). Hopefully, it'll be released the first day of the new Black Parade tour (July 11, 2025). No promises, though.

[Edit 6/30/25: Oh man this is not releasing on time...I did not realize how much moving would tire me out. Also Delatrune chps. 3 & 4 took up some time...Me and Google Docs were not on speaking terms for a week.]

At this point in the writing process (just finished Bullets this morning) I think Everyone Hates the Eagles is their gayest song. Prison, Mama, & To the End are up there, though ("he's not around he's always looking at men," I mean...c'mon).

I'm not too good at lyrical analysis, though, nor is my knowledge of MCR as robust as I'd like, so I'm interested to hear different queer readings of their songs.

As unserious as this video concept is, I actually want to approach it from a really earnest lens. Tier lists are already so subjective; gayness is such an arbitrary, amorphous label. I want to play around with the inherent stupidity of this.

There are some fundamental questions that I still haven't really answered but would love to explore:

What does it mean for something to be queer / gay (weird)?

What does it mean for something to be straight (normal)?

I really have no conception of what normality is anymore. I find strange things normal, normal things strange; when I act normally I feel strange, but am called strange when I think I'm acting normally...

3. How does rock music manage to attract both extremely gay and extremely straight fanbases (e.g. Nirvana, Queen, Misfits)?

Nirvana's fanbase always surprises me because the band was so left-leaning and anti-machismo, but because they sounded rough and masculine they attract these really weird, pretentious assholes. The way that rock music oscillates between hypermasculine presentation (leather jackets, jeans, shirtless, hairy) and queer theatricality (David Bowie, early Queen) is really interesting to me in general. It's a genre that's been sexist and feminist, homophobic and relentlessly queer in the same decade.

4. Is there value in deliberately ambiguous queer representation?

This question makes me think of iLLi. She emerged from ambiguity and I think that's part of her appeal. Fanfiction is grasping at straws to make something beautiful and whole. Isn't the ambiguity sometimes preferrable—to allow unique fan interpretation?

Not all of these questions need to be answered in the video, but I want them on my mind while writing. Part of me wants to make a normal tier list video, another part wants to kind of deconstruct it...but. this video is shaping up to be a behemoth as is, so maybe I should avoid scope creep and keep my ambitiousness in check.

We'll see how it goes. I'd love to hear from y'all.

(Also, big shoutout to @angstics who is, by my estimation, the seminal queer MCR scholar. I've been referring to a lot of their writing during the research process.)

Below is a list of the sources I'll be referring to during the script writing process. This is a living document, so expect this list to expand in the coming weeks. Cheers.

—Kay

Research w/Notes:

This article is a fun look at the early days of the band. It features a fun story about a sickly Gerard getting punched by record exec to give him energy to record his vocals. It worked.

Blistein, Jon. (2021). How a Sucker Punch Fueled the Rise of My Chemical Romance. Rolling Stone. https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/my-chemical-romance-rise-book-excerpt-sellout-dan-ozzi-1247331/   

One of Gerard's answers during his famous 2014 Reddit AMA. Mainly focused on his answer to question 5 about Drowning Lessons and its status as MCR's "cursed song."

Way, Gerard. (2014). Reddit AMA https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/2i1840/comment/ckxylaq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button 

A really thorough video about queer (sub)text in You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison. A helpful resource. souryogurtgirl. (2024). My Chemical Romance's Gay Anthem? YouTube. https://youtu.be/jDP5_Kl36ms

A TRACK BY TRACK BREAKDOWN OF TBP. Hell yeah.

Great MCR essays. The essay SEX & VIOLENCE is the most interesting to me, at least in relation to this video. Love & suffering is such a deeply queer idea. The "queering of violence" is so central to MCR's lyricism. Love how the essay points out the importance of Gerard's delivery, that's something I want to highlight in my own analysis.

"Honey This Podcast Isn't Big Enough for The Both of Us" is not only a great resource for MCR fan discourse, it is just really entertaining podcasting. Maren & EJ are playful, yet insightful. Their episode on the demo lovers has been helpful to try to parse the storytelling of Bullets and Revenge.

Slowly diving a bit more into queer theory for this project. It's daunting, but interesting! I feel like queer time—the idea (to my understanding) that queer people's life trajectories are distinctly different and possibly even incompatible with the traditional straight narrative of getting married, having a kid, entering the job market, etc.—may prove a helpful concept, especially in relation to TBP.

Writer Kathryn Bond Stockton literally describes queer children as "ghosts" because many of them cannot yet verbalize their queerness and are they given a roadmap for what adult queer life will look like. I mean...that's very Black Parade coded.

Haven't read this read this yet, keeping it here to get back to it! I really want to understand the link between queerness and theater, there's gotta be some historical context that explains that a bit more clearly for me.

https://newprairiepress.org/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=4185&context=aerc

[putschki1969]

Kalafina Anniversary Live 2025 Pamphlet HQ Scans Part 3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Google Drive Link

👉  For PERSONAL USE ONLY 👉  CREDIT me and LINK to my blog if you use/share 👉  SUPPORT Kalafina | BUY the pamphlet

Interview with Hikaru

--This will be Kalafina's first live performance in about seven years. How did you feel when you found out that the concert was going to be held?

"Various emotions were going through my mind at the same time, but to sum it up in one sentence, I felt like 'we can do this'. I was beyond happy that the three of us would be able to sing Kalafina's music again, that it was actually becoming a reality. Six years had passed, so I was excited to see what would happen if the three of us sang together again."

--How did you feel when the three of you first got together to sing during a live rehearsal?

"Along with nostalgia, it brought back memories of Kalafina's chorus work. When the three of us sing together, it just feels so right. Over the past six years, I've had the opportunity to sing with many different people while working solo, but I think there is a unique sound and energy in each song that only the three of us can create."

--What did the three of you talk about during the first rehearsal?

"We had a packed schedule for our rehearsals so we weren't able to have any particularly deep discussions. We thought, 'let's just try to get in tune with each other,' so we spent our time singing with the image of regaining the feeling of being Kalafina."

--Were you able to quickly get back into the swing of things with Kalafina?

"I immediately remembered how it felt back then. However, because we had been apart for a while, even though I was able to regain that feeling, I felt that it would take a little more time to express those feelings through my singing. Those first few rehearsals really helped me see what I needed to do from now on."

--So it was necessary to re-examine what you need to do to sing as a member of Kalafina?

"That's right. We have a renewed sense of determination to do our best. Naturally, the time and experience each of us has gained working as solo artists comes into play when we get together as a trio to sing, but beyond that, there is something unchanging about Kalafina. It may be an exaggeration to say it's almost like a chemical reaction when we come together, but I want to take on the challenge once again to see how beautiful a melody we can create as a trio."

--What do you think of Wakana and Keiko's vocal appeal?

"There are many singers in the world who can produce beautiful high notes and low notes, but these two are really special to me. Wakana has always been said to be great at expressing transience and sorrow, but what's even more impressive is that her voice is not simply delicate but also has energy and strength to it. Keiko has a deep, enveloping voice, and her charm is that you can feel so much love in her cool low notes. Also, there's a new feeling to her voice that I didn't feel during the 10 years she was with Kalafina, maybe it's because she's been doing solo work that I'm able to feel this."

--The current Kalafina probably combines the unchanging things from when you were singing as a trio, and the growth that has come with your solo activities.

"Yes, I think that everyone who comes to our live show might feel this way. But of course, it's all subjective and everyone is free to feel whatever they want so even if you feel like 'Kalafina never changes no matter how much time passes' or 'this is a completely new and mature Kalafina', we will be happy. We have had 10 years as Kalafina, and 7 years by ourselves, all of this has made us who we are today."

--Now, what do you think about the appeal of Kalafina's music?

"The songs were written to suit our voices, and I think they are unique songs that make the most of each of our individual strengths. That's why it feels lonely to sing them by myself. When I first went solo, I sang Kalafina songs during my live concert and it felt so lonely that I stopped singing them after that *laughs*. Because these songs were written for the three of us to sing, I simply want to fulfill the role of Hikaru that the songs require, and I believe that by doing so, the songs will resonate more with everyone."

--What are your thoughts about all the fans who have continued to love Kalafina for such a long time?

"So many people have supported our activities over the past 10 years, and there are so many people who have continued to listen to Kalafina's music even after that, I have nothing but gratitude for them. Kalafina is really special to me, and I think that everyone has always known this. I want to convey to everyone at the live in January, 'thank you for waiting for us all this time.'"

--Finally, please tell us your thoughts about today's pamphlet photo shoot.

"It felt like it had been so long since the three of us had been together like this, we remembered the feeling of taking group photos, the distance and subsequent intimacy we felt when we were told to 'get a little closer together' *laughs*. And we even got to talk about personal things in between takes, it really felt like we were continuing right where we had left off with no gaps in between."

[dcdreamblog]

Can you tell us anything about the Creature Commandos? I read a brief blurb about them in a book of "Weird War Tales" with other stuff like the GI Robot and the Boy Commandos, but trying to google anything on them just leads to debates as to whether or not they were actually supernatural or some kind of science project.

Oh dammit, James Gunn's little Inglorious Bastards-esque cartoon just came out didn't it? Jokes on you guys though, I actually ordered and read the appropriate books ahead of time! You're not slick!/s

Thank you for providing the image for this one so I don't have to go looking for it. (I truly hope you did not watch the old TV movie this was made for though. My god this poster it the best part of it)

To answer the most pressing question, they're a science experiment. Buckle in because if you thought your opinion of the US Army could not get any lower!

The Creature Commandos were formed in 1941 under the auspices of an outfit known as Project M which was the pot the US Army threw money into with the expectation it would use them to come up with super weapons to end the Nazi threat with no oversight or ethical constraint. They were responsible for the construction of G.I Robot as you mentioned and one of their failed experiments even granted New York native Joan Dale the powers she would use to become Miss America.

The Commandos specifically were the brainchild of one Dr. Myron Mazurksy, a real mad scientist type with the pet theory that the tales of monsters and ghouls making up the bulk of human mythology were the triggers for an kind of evolutionary fear, his hypothesis was that altering subjects through chemical and surgical methods to resemble these monsters of legend would give them an edge on the battlefield. (Of course we know now that these stories are not psychological misinterpretations at all but instead tales of actual beings that really do exist)

The Creature Commandos were made up of four founding members:

Private Warren Griffith was diagnosed with psychological lycanthropy and so was remanded into Project M's custody where he was surgically altered into and actual wolf man with very little conscious control of the time of his painful metamorphosis. He had committed no crime other than being considered psychologically unfit for service.

Pilot Officer Vincent Velcoro, a member of the Royal Air Force convicted of high treason for striking a well connected superior officer. Remanded into American custody without any due process under British military law he was given the choice of a 30 year sentence or experimentation which turned him into a human vampire, forced to drink blood at least once a day and only able to stomach consuming raw meat.

Private Elliot "Lucky" Taylor, a newly minted marine who was nearly killed by a land mine during a war gaming exercise. Surgically reconstructed by Project M his vocal cords were severed by the procedure, his family was told he was KIA and Taylor himself was never consulted about the procedure nor was he allowed to leave after the fact. Again he had committed no crime and was not even unfit for service, simply fed into the mill for the sake of "progress"

and Dr Myrra Rhodes who, when operating upon a wounded soldier within Project M's compound was mutated by a poorly secured batch of mutagen chemicals, transformed into a living medusa. She was also unable to leave military custody and was listed as KIA, losing her entire life due to Project M's negligence.

They were placed under the command of one Lieutenant Matt Shrieve who noted in his later unearthed war journal a personal loathing for his "freakish" subordinates whom he treated with inhuman disdain. Providing for their needs only reluctantly and below the standards of what they would have received in a brig back home. They were sent on what were, frankly, suicide missions, managing to survive time and again based on good luck and the members' trust in one another above all.

A truly demonstrative directive, unearthed by a freedom of information request submitted by their families well after the fact showed that the Creature Commandos were under command from the highest echelon that their existence be kept an absolute secret from the All Star Squadron or any of its members. A personal note, written by a redacted command officer at the bottom of the ledger opines

"The long underwear freaks would just get their bleeding hearts in a twist anyway."

Meaning that the army specifically kept the Commandos a secret from the Squadron, KNOWING that the Squadron would object to the less than human conditions and expectations of the Commandos and most likely would have seen to their emancipation under Squadron protection.

As the war drew to a close, the Commandos were marked for execution by firing squad. No trial or crime was ever given as reason. "Spared" from execution they were sent in a rocket toward the then ongoing battle of Berlin to do some final "good" or die trying.

Their presence is not noted at the battle and their bodies, or indeed their trails have never been found. Make of that what you will.

[dbmars]

DB Reads Hannibal Rising: Peritext

@adreamwithin and I have discussed reading (or re-reading in some cases) the Harris books together. Initially, we planned to read the same copies of the books, swapping them back and forth so we could leave each other annotations and notes in the margins (called marginalia, btw, though that sounds like a butter substitute). In the end, she sent me the two books I didn't happen to find in a not-so-Little Free Library (my former middle school has been turned into a community center and antique mall, and they kept the library as it was, so folks can leave-a-book-take-a-book kind of thing).

I'm not sure how many of these posts I'll make, but I'm going through a rough patch right now where my goal is to do whatever it takes to give myself good brain chemicals. It's a beautiful Sunday morning here in Iowa. I woke up at 5am to have quiet time to myself before my family wakes up, and this morning my brain said, "Hey, you should make a tumblr post about reading Hannibal Rising. And I was like, "Sure thing, Brain, whatever you want. If you give me the happy chemicals, I'll do pretty much anything."

So, here we are. BTW I saw this movie around the time when it came out, but I have never read this book.

This is the copy I'm reading:

I'm a strong proponent of always studying the peritext of any book. you care about or want/need to study. Peritext is a subcategory of paratext. The concept of paratext was defined by Gérard Genette (1997) as common elements provided within a book (peritext) and elements outside of the book (epitext) that refer to the book and can affect individual and cultural perceptions of a text. Examples of peritextual elements include the foreword, table of contents, index, dedications, introductions, publication information, and source notes. Epitext refers to communications outside the book that can influence whether and how the text is read. Examples of epitext include book reviews, interviews, author websites, letters, and critical literary analysis. Paratext = peritext + epitext (paraphrased from this source).

First page after the front cover. This is, like, the hype page. So if you're picking up this book off the shelf in a supermarket or something, it's supposed to entice you into buying it. I find it hilarious. I guarantee Thomas Harris did not write this piece of shit. It's a mess of past/present tense and the images are confusing and trying to sound cool but not quite hitting the right tone. This fits thematically with the commercial reasons for this book being written (ie. Dino de Laurentiis forcing Harris to write it).

After the "Also By Thomas Harris" page we have a Japanese ink painting.

It's tempting to just breeze by this thinking, oh, I know there are Japanese characters in this book etc. Slow down! Look at the painting. Find out who painted it and when, and the title of the work. But how???

Skip to this page:

Aha, here we go. "Ink Drawing of a Shrike on a Twig" by Musashi. To the Google Machine!

(okay, another cup of coffee first)

First of all, SHRIKE! Of course, we're all thinking Minnesota Shrike. But the title is just the beginning -- turns out the artist is Miyamoto Musashi (1584 - 1645)... and the translation of the title provided in Hannibal Rising is a lot less heavy metal than some of the other translations I found (Shrike Sitting on a Barren Branch, Shrike Perched in a Dead Tree). In Japanese, Koboku meikakuzu.

I hope Musashi comes up in the story as someone Hannibal studies. Turns out he wasn't just an artist, but a legendary swordsman, philosopher, author, calligrapher, and sculptor. His most well-known piece of writing is the most important Japanese treatise on strategy, the Book of the Five Rings (Gorin no Sho). I found a wonderful blog post about the painting and here are my takeaways:

Musashi's artistic technique echoed the bold precision of his swordsmanship. The strokes are confident and precisely placed like cuts with a blade. It achieves perfect balance. Nothing is missing, nothing is unnecessary. Immediately I want to believe that Hannibal's art is the same way -- as precise as his own way of dealing out death.

There is a worm headed up the stem. It seems like the shrike is going to be surprised, but this is a visual story of predator and prey, the moment before the shrike strikes.

Musashi, born into the samurai class, was orphaned and adopted by his uncle... just like Hannibal. He became a ronin, or a masterless samurai.

From the Water-Book: 'In strategy your spiritual bearing must not be any different from normal. Both in fighting and in everyday life you should be determined though calm. Meet the situation without tenseness yet not recklessly, your spirit settled yet unbiased. Even when your spirit is calm do not let your body relax, and when your body is relaxed do not let your spirit slacken.' I could see Hannibal embracing this in every way. Think about his unflappable demeanor as Mads plays him, to the point where when we do see emotions breaking through it's singularly jarring. The way of the warrior as described here is something a young Hannibal would ascribe to, and file it away under wise teachings instead of acknowledging that he lives in a state of constant hypervigilance due to trauma. If it's a warrior code, it's not a weakness.

Musashi believed in acquiring knowledge for a well-rounded view of the world -- learning many professions, a true renaissance man. This is reflected in his creative output. Hannibal has a vast knowledge base and strives to master many arts -- cooking, drawing, music, etc.

I ended up ordering a copy of The Book of Five Rings (which, eew, apparently is often read by executives for management purposes, and probably by a lot of incels who think they're cool cuz they read The Art of War and stuff but okay) because of the lines at the end of the blog post. Something I really needed to hear right now.

"The artistic creative process has many dimensional facets to it. Sometimes it is an active and full-on mode. At other times, it is a sparkling solitude of precious silence. The artist, like the warrior, is brave in embracing the journey as it unfolds. Each to their rhythm, pace and timing. Like the painted branch of this scroll, one brush stroke with intention can hold a world of wisdom."

Here's a list of the other copyrighted materials that will apparently appear in Hannibal Rising:

"This is the first thing" -- Collected Poems by Philip Larkin (1998, 2003)

"No way to see him" -- The Ink Dark Moon: Love Poems by Ono no Komachi and Izumi Shikibu, translated by Jane Hirshfield and Mariko Aratani (1990).

"Definition" -- Rococo Summer and Other Poems by Lawrence P. Springyarn (1947).

"From The Tale of Genji" -- Women Poets of Japan by Murasaki Shikibu, translated by Kenneth Rexroth and Ikuko Atsumi (1973) -- free online!

"Amidst the notes..." One Hundred More Poems from the Japanese by Akiko Yosano, translated by Kenneth Rexroth (1976). (I found another source, hope the translation is good).

I'll address these as they come up in the book so I can analyze how Harris uses them in the text. I guess I'm gonna be a big weirdo and buy some of these books... me and my deep dives, good Lord!

This was fun. A nice break from fanfic. Maybe I'll keep posting! Honestly I'll be way more likely to continue if folks heart, reblog, or (best ever) comment.

Love, DB

[oblivionbladetd]

Learning from Lorch: CRITICAL RESEARCH FAILURE!

As the list of the smartest person in any room fails to do 5 minutes of googling, I thought it would be a fantastic time to do it for her.

While I usually preface these talks in that she asks to be rated higher than her actual level of expertise, this one is exceptionally irritating because I will reiterate as many times as I can... SHE IS UPLOADING THESE FICS FROM A DEVICE THAT CAN HAND DELIVER AS MUCH KNOWLEDGE AS SHE COULD EVER NEED IN ACTUAL LITERAL SECONDS! You don't need to have a scientific understanding of the concepts you are using. That's blatantly not a realistic thing everyone can just do. Getting a reasonable approximation, however, is doable and only takes a few minutes. To prove it, I shall now explain a bunch of stuff she donks up that are fairly easy to look up. Follow me below the cut for nerd shit.

To start, let's go with her newest blunder. Avatar Niva averts Chernobyl! This one is a doozy, but there are a few key things that stand out.

1. Airbending radiation. This is simply not possible. She could airbend the fallout maybe, but the ionizing radiation itself has already done plenty of damage for miles before the word go. So... Yeah....

2. Now, if Niva is radioactive, she is either covered inside and out with radioactive particles or has had bits of her converted into radioactive material. We'll just put a pin in that atomic rearranging because she just wouldn't survive it, period. From my brief research, being both at ground zero of the meltdown and covered in radioactive isotopes would basically destroy her DNA if she somehow bends her way out of being microwaved alive. So basically, if not burned alive, she'd certainly be rotting from the inside out. The Avatar is built different, but not that different. Lasting a week is beyond miraculous, lasting three years is simply out of the question.

From here, we move on to Niva's super moves, though since I've covered this before, I'll yadda yadda in saying that the energy needed for these attacks is far greater than the end product. Heating and sand into glass in less than a second would take temperatures hotter than most of the sun using the same energy you could do far more damage than throwing glass. Or evaporating, superheating, and condensing a few 100 million gallons of water for bowling rains.

Now we move to her space epic where I have three things.

1. Space rust. Ignoring that rust is an iron and iron alloy specific problem, corrosion is all but a non-issue in deep space. There's very little to cause the chemical reaction. You'd be more worried about radiation degradation and micrometeors eating away at it. Even if they did have a hull of steel or iron. As bone headed as that would be.

2. Cooling Alignment. Basically, nothing would use that terminology. The alignment of pressure maybe.... using the terminology only serves to confuse and make the engineer extra strange. Either that or the cooling is Feng Shui powered.

3. Palladium Coils. Not unheard of, but not what you'd use in a reactor. Palladium is very wear and corrosion resistant, but it's painfully rare, and the reactor wouldn't need to be prepared for external factors that Palladium is used to resist. Using it as a high yield coil is inefficient.

I know there's surely more, but this is running as long as is, but all of the information I gave was minutes on Google at most. It's not hard to obtain. As a woman who protests as much as she does, you'd think she could be assed, but it seems not.

[alexxncl]

‼️NIGHTBRINGER LESSON 58 SPOILERS‼️

masterlist | all lessons | season 3 | lesson 57.1 | lesson 57.2 | lesson 58.2 | lesson 59

throwing us back into the SF after the last lesson's cliffhanger was indeed a choice

i wanted him so become a demon so bad y'all don't understand 💔 i'm happy that they didn't do a full 180 and turn him back into an angel though bc his fall was so pivotal to his character arc

this is actually really interesting. i wonder how much of his angel-ness is in his genetic/physical makeup, too, considering the fact that he still has demonic genes despite never fully turning into one

i feel like the different sets of genes battling for power also explains why he seemed emotionally off and physically sick when we found out he was turning into a demon. maybe he was like 95% human and 5% angel up until a certain point

we know that mammon's skin has burns on it from the celestial jewelry he used to wear, so maybe their angelic genetic makeup got physically and chemically destroyed during their fall. maybe simeon's body still had some kind of angelic genetic makeup until he started turning into a demon, and then the demonic genes destroyed whatever angelic part was left of him

either the celestial realm didn't know about what would happened to simeon when he became human and spent excessive time in the devildom, or they didn't care and wanted him to suffer the possibility of transforming into one due to overexposure as an extra cruel punishment

part of me wants to believe that they didn't know bc of the way raphael reacted, but i still don't trust michael. at ALL.

idk i'm yapping

i still want simeon to turn into a demon but i don't want him to have to go through the physical and emotional pain it takes to get there. but i also don't want him to suffer through not able to physically be there for raph and luke bc he don't he allowed back in the celestial realm if he's a demon. UGH

ahhhh yes i love it when the stakes are raised

but are they really raised when we know that simeon's not gonna die? probably...hopefully

idk maybe that teaser really did mean something...

i'm very glad that it isn't just a one-and-done kinda solution though. that makes it more engaging

see every time i wanna praise him for thinking of something smart and sweet and kind he ALWAYS has to bring a profit into the situation 😭 this mf

also "fartin' around" ?? (i can't believe i just typed that) LET MY MAN SAY FUCK. we all know it's what he meant

beel just like me bc my dumbass didn't know what the fuck a manchineel was. googled it to see if it was a real word

if y'all could've heard the sigh i just let out 😭 it's okay though. it's fine

i'm a little less mad bc it's what simeon himself said that he wants. even though he said he never really felt like an angel in the way that the rest of the celestial realm angels did but whatever. i think he's doing it in part because he does miss being an angel, but mainly because he wants to be able to be there for luke and raphael after seeing how his transformation affected them, and he won't be able to be there in the way that he wants or the way that they need him to be if he's not an angel, or at least allowed in the celestial realm

honestly if he turns into a demon atp it's just the devs fucking with him just bc they like to torture his character 😭 like imagine the potion is something that reveals someone's "innermost desires" or the race that their soul is destined to be and he ends up not being an angel ??? luke especually would be devastated

the fact that they have to go all the way back to the cave where they met cerberus to find the last ingredient feels kinda full circle. i feel like they knew the game was ending here

bc why else would the apple be in a place that solidified the brothers' positions and status into what we know them as in the present day

this also makes me kinda sad bc there was so much potential to explore the time paradox shit they alluded to all throughout the game

from the characters in the past feeling like the guest room was a second home

to the brothers in the past feeling intrinsically connected to mc despite never having seen them before

to the characters in the present feeling like they hadn't seen mc in months and crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason

and now this...

i did the other option too just to see what levi's reaction was and GOD i wish we had more than 2 lessons left

are they gonna make barbatos time travel to get the apple? what if they travel to the exact time that mc and the brothers went there and the gang ends up seeing mc in the past through barbatos' portal? UGH i wish they did more with the time travel stuff it would've been so cool

[leosasha2025]

[repose] A story about Leon falling asleep in Buddy's bed.

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I love this rare pair! Please let me participate. @rerarepairmonth Week 1 - Fairytales, Domesticity/Slice of Life, On Holiday - May 1st to May 6th

I usually speak Japanese. I translated it using Google Translate. It's a bit strange in places, but please look at it with one eye gently. I'll fix it if I can after looking at the folds. Sorry if the English is weird because it's Google translation

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

When he went to Buddy's house...

When he entered with the spare key, Buddy was not there and the room was empty. Leon relaxed and took off his leather jacket,

(Is he still at school...)

Well, I see.

It was exactly 2pm. He hadn't called or emailed him to say he was coming today.

The room was quiet, somewhat cluttered, and lonely.

This time's mission. Leon was not splashed with blood, so quarantine was simple. He got naked with the Army Special Forces in charge of the joint operation and only had to take a disinfectant shower over his head in a long area separated by blue tarps.

When he checked his own smell, he could still smell the strong chemicals on his skin.

Even though he had taken three showers using body soap, the chemical smell had permeated his skin and could not be removed. The smell had invaded his brain.

(Speaking of smells...)

When he smelled the smell of this house, he somehow felt calm.

They say that maggots swarm among widowers, but perhaps because Buddy is in a wheelchair, his room is always tidy, and the room smells of Buddy's lightly scented massage cream. Sometimes there is also the smell of laundry detergent.

As soon as Leon sees Buddy's bed, his feet are drawn to it almost unconsciously.

Let's rest for a bit. Just lie down and rest for a moment.

When he lies down on Buddy's bed and presses his face against the pillow, Buddy's strong smell naturally fills his nostrils and face. Buddy

is precious because he changes the sheets and covers as soon as Leon comes.

The smell of the person you love always stirs your brain and heart.

But Buddy's smell is different... how should I express it? He always spends his holidays surrounded by his smell, so Buddy's smell automatically switches him on vacation...

Leon only remembers the moment Buddy's smell filled his brain.

─────────────

The next time Leon wakes up, it is night. He

sat up and looked around the room.

Buddy was already in his pajamas, had laid the sheets on the sofa, and was about to go to sleep.

When Leon saw Buddy, his eyes met and he asked,

"Are you awake?"

"If you're back, wake me up..."

"I've prepared dinner and put it in the fridge, so you can heat it up in the microwave and eat it."

"Buddy, are you going to sleep?"

Leon was about to get up from the bed when he noticed his situation. His shoes had been taken off, and his belt and collar were loosened.

He didn't remember, but maybe he had unconsciously taken them off by himself out of habit. No way...

"Hey Buddy, did you let me take off my shoes?"

"Yeah... Was it nice? You answered normally."

"...How?"

He had no memory

of it. "When I touched your feet, you suddenly raised your head, so I told you,

'If you want to sleep here, I'll let you take off your shoes,'

and you put your head back on the pillow and said, 'Thank you,' or something. It was only for a moment, but your eyes were open."

It seemed he had responded unconsciously. I had no choice but to believe Buddy's words, which he imitated with a strong Midwestern accent.

(Thank goodness...)

I didn't have to point a gun at Buddy.

I sometimes hear about cases where people point weapons at their families the moment they wake up on their first day back from the front line.

Buddy said,

"If you don't remember, I'll say it again, but if you go to bed, please take off your bulletproof vest and shoes that don't look like a bulletproof vest.

" "...If you took them off, you could have played a prank on me while you were there."

"----"

Leon tried to hide his embarrassment by making a joke, and a nervous look of disgust appeared on Buddy's face.

(Oh no...)

Buddy is an elementary school teacher.

The joke of "pranks" that warriors, agents, and strong men and women would laugh at, but Buddy has a completely different idea.

I seem to be more tired than I thought.

"Ah, no, I just wanted to tell you that I wanted you to wake me up. Tickling me, pinching my nose, playing with me..."

"Hmm,"

Buddy replied coldly,

"Well, that's fine. If you think I'm the kind of man who gropes sleeping people's bodies, I would never have let you step over my threshold again."

"No way, that can't be true?"

Leon had intended to play a sexual prank on me, and Buddy knew about it, but it seemed like he was willing to forgive me. I'm glad he

was hanging on by a thread.

But...

I can't believe it. The agent was asleep while the teacher took off his shoes and loosened his belt and collar.

In fact, Leon woke up for a moment during that, and he has a vague memory of it. But it's just a dream memory.

"Leo, your shoes are covered in mud, so you have to take them off when you get into bed, right?"

- Saying this, the gentle, slender, white hand loosened my shoelaces. It was the

hand of a woman who knew nothing of fighting, and it didn't exist in the world that Leon knew now.

Under normal circumstances, "Professor Kozachenko" would have remained with his supple, soft hands, and would have lived a life surrounded by his wife, children and students, without ever being involved in revolution or massacres.

I wanted this gentle man to be happy. But if this world were just like that, we would never have met.

What if I dreamed about her, even though I no longer remember her?

"Did I say anything else, Professor?"

"He was mumbling."

"What could you understand?"

"Well, I was a bit... you had a strong Midwestern accent..."

You're fluent enough in American English to know that it was a Midwestern accent (although more than half of it was Leon's fault), but you're going to say "I don't understand a word"?

I heard something that I can understand, something that I'd be better off hiding.

Did I just say... "Yes, Mom"?

I want to shoot myself in the head right now.

If it was an American man or woman, they would either tease him a lot or tell him in his sleep in a silly way. They'd add something like "It was cute."

Because Buddy is an old-fashioned type who is obsessed with his reputation as a man. Leon, who is often progressive, often treats him as if he were the same as himself, and he pretends not to see or ignores any actions or behavior that he considers shameful as a man, without pointing them out. By

the way. This attitude of Buddy is also found in America, and men and women who work in jobs related to machismo often treat him like this at work.

However, it's rare in private.

I'm glad Buddy is an old-fashioned type. Even though he's always complaining about Buddy's old-fashionedness

... In reality, Leon is a man who seems advanced, but is poisoned by classical machismo.

The rural town where he grew up in his youth was hardly advanced. In the 80s, men had to be manly and women had to be feminine, or they were rumored to be gay or dykes and suspected of having mental disorders. As the saying goes, a child's character lasts a century...

Leon S. Kennedy always wants to be on the side of the protector. He wants to act cool, be seen as tough and cool, and not show his weaknesses. Especially in front of the person he likes.

He'd rather die than be seen as a mama's boy.

He has to prove his manliness.

Leon gets up, takes off his bulletproof vest, and sits on the sofa where Buddy is.

"Buddy"

"Hey, you're tired enough to fall asleep, aren't you? Why don't you go to bed quietly tonight?

" "As soon as I saw you, I was full of energy.

" "I'm tired.

" "I see..."

Leon was disappointed for a moment, then said,

"But let's sleep together in bed."

"...Okay."

Buddy tried to get up and move to his wheelchair, but Leon stopped him and picked him up. He

gently lowered Buddy's body onto the bed, not forgetting to bring the wheelchair next to him. When he woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to move, he didn't want to wake Leon up or let him fall out of bed.

When Leon slid in next to Buddy, Buddy's sullen expression flashed a smile for a moment,

"I'll put you to bed."

"You're wide awake now."

"I'll read to you."

Buddy leaned back on the pillow and reached for the bedside table.

"Oh."

He's more like a mother now.

I don't want Buddy to be a mother. I want our relationship to be more immoral.

If you're awake, there's something I want you to do, not read me a book.

Leon had been grinning the whole time, but when he saw the cover of the thick book in Buddy's hand, his smile faded.

(There's no need to choose such a book...)

If the famous, world-famous "Brothers Karamazov" comes, even I can't win. I will definitely lose.

Fin.

[livwritesstuff]

Absolutely obsessed with your steddie dad’s verse!!! Everything about it is just so good, thanks for sharing!

I love Moe, Robbie and Hazel, and I can’t get this idea out of my head that probably doesn’t fit the vision of this verse at ALL but hear me out. What if one day all the upside down stuff became public knowledge? Somehow documents get leaked, someone talks, idk. And it’s suddenly all over the news. Would be so interesting to see how Steve and Eddie would react to this and how they’d talk to their kids (who just found out about their parents saving the world from the news) about it 👀

So here’s the thing:

Realistically, I don’t think the story would ever get fully leaked, for two reasons (probably more, actually, but two primary reasons).

It makes the U.S. government look terrible, and they do a good enough job of that publically to afford any more hits to their rep so they keep that shit on lock

Nobody would believe it. Maybe there are whispers about the truth of what happened to Hawkins, Indiana in the 80s, but the second the words “monsters” and “superpowers” get thrown in there, nobody buys it. That’s why the cover stories work.

What I absolutely think would happen is ✨conspiracy theories✨

Like, come 2014 there’s a rising interest in true crime and conspiracy theories and some enthusiasts stumble upon the story. A few devoted folks pull a Murray and start building a timeline and they quickly realize that there are some pretty serious holes in the narrative. It kind of takes off from there.

Robbie is Eddie’s daughter through and through, so she’s totally into that kind of stuff. Steve and Eddie have always been relatively upfront about what happened to them in Hawkins (relatively, in that they have the “here’s what you’ll find if you google your dads” conversation with an extensive Q+A, but to avoid dumping trauma on their kids they stay light on the details), so she’s more intrigued than surprised when not only is she suggested a YouTube video about her dads’ hometown, but the video also mentions both of them by name.

Here’s the problem – like most conspiracy theories, it's true that some pretty damning evidence has been uncovered that the government probably didn’t want circulating. However the story is still missing key details in a way that makes the resounding conclusion this close to the truth, but not quite there.

Hence, this conversation Robbie has with her dads after she watches the video:

“So is it true that Uncle Will was abducted by aliens?”

Steve’s eyebrows fly up.

“Are people saying it’s aliens? It wasn’t aliens.”

“Was he though?”

“Uh…kind of. I guess.”

“Is it true the government put a fake body in the lake and pretended it was him and then when Will came back they had to pretend it was another kid?”

“Yep.”

“That’s fucked up. Is it true that Russia used a mall in Hawkins to build a secret lab?” Robbie asks.

“Yes.”

“Is it true they were doing research on the aliens and then one of them escaped and that’s why the mall got destroyed.”

“Not even close.”

“How did the mall get destroyed then?”

“Bunch of people got possessed by a shadow monster and he made them eat chemicals until they exploded and reformed as this giant mass thing that cornered us in the mall. We attacked it with fireworks. I wasn’t there for most of that, though. Just the end.”

“Whatever,” Robbie rolls her eyes, fully convinced that her dad is bullshitting her, “Is it true the Hawkins earthquakes were actually the aliens invading.”

“No – yes…kind of? Not earthquakes. Not aliens.”

“I mean…technically they kind of were aliens ,” Eddie jumps in, “Technically anything from a land foreign to yours is an alien.”

“They weren’t aliens,” Steve insists, “They were monsters. They were big and gray and their faces opened up and they had all these rows of teeth like sharks.”

“Sounds like an alien to me,” Robbie replies.

“Monsters.”

“Is it true Dad was attacked by them and he almost died and you saved him, Pop?”

“Yes, indeed,” Eddie says proudly before Steve can respond, “He’s quite the hero, don’t you think?”

“In space?”

“Nope. In an evil alternate dimension, and he dragged me all the way out through the portal and everything.”

Robbie rolls her eyes again, “Nevermind, you guys are useless. You’d think you weren’t even there.”

Steve sighs, “God, I wish that were true.”

In terms of how Steve and Eddie respond to the story gaining some attention from the general public, they do family viewings of the conspiracy videos made about the situation and make fun of the incorrect narratives. Their daughters fully do not grasp that their dads are telling the truth because, again, the truth does not seem real.

[ymcr]

Thoughts 4/27/25, 10am

Last week Peter Godfrey-Smith came and gave 3 guest lectures at Brown, two of which I attended. I read Metazoa a couple years ago, and I remember being assigned readings by him on the philosophy of science and history of biology in one of my undergrad classes. Interfacing with philosophy always makes me feel slightly stupid, but for what it's worth, PGS does a particularly excellent job of framing philosophical concepts in a way that is not only comprehensible but genuinely engaging. So of course I was excited to hear him speak.

Anyway, I know I enjoyed Metazoa, and I have retained some info about competing philosophies of consciousness, and some stuff from the octopus and crab chapters, but I read this book predominantly in the middle of the night while off the shits on Adderall, so while it was an obsession at the time, it of course never really settled into my long-term memory. The extra sad thing is that I usually took extensive notes on my readings during the actively-using times of my life, but the only relic I could find in my journal from that time was a reference to Ted Hughes' poem "Wodwo" that PGS quoted somewhere in the book. So I don't even have any notes to consult to refresh my memory. Luckily, I did do a lot of highlighting and scribbling in the margins, which is helpful in guiding my current re-reading.

As I read (and as I'm taking actual notes this time around in an organized google doc lightyears away from my old, spun-out, wall-of-text, parentheticals-within-parentheticals method of note-taking), I'm musing on the difference between my initial reading and my current (sober) reading, and I'm surprised-but-not-surprised at how much better of a thinker I am when using my own unaltered capacities, my brain simply as it is and not chemically "aided." Of course it's fun to read (or do any activity) on stimulants: it feels super important, like I'm firing on all cylinders, etc. etc. — but when the effect wears off I forget everything except the general impression and some phrases/concepts that pinball around inside my skull for a while. My normal brain, on the other hand, is perfectly capable of digesting and interacting with complex information on its own, and although it takes me longer to work my way through it, I'm better at remembering what I've learned and applying it to other things. (For example, rereading Metazoa now has got me thinking about the potential application of biopsychism to plants, and some of the interesting and controversial claims about botanical consciousness/subjectivity made by the likes of Monica Gagliano — and I wish I could have asked PGS questions about that at his lectures.)

Anyway. Feeling bittersweet about the dissonance between (a) nostalgia for a time that was actively bad for me but enjoyable(?) in the moment, and (b) the knowledge that I am eons better off sober, even though it takes more time and conscious effort to complete intellectual and creative tasks. Wisdom, I guess.

[yuukei-yikes]

It’s me back in the ask box again for another super important question:

What “cringe” fandoms would the mekadan have been into as kids. Like we know Marry was a black butler girlie but I need to know the rest. Who was deeply invested in the fnaf lore, who was cosplaying as homestuck trolls, who was shipping creepypastas. I am desperate for answers only you can provide.

EXCELENT question. i ADORE this question.

ayano is into homestuck. used to role play warrior cats. loves the marvel cinematic universe, and just any superhero comic book stuff in general. canonically into jojo.

kido's is BANDS. specifically bands considered emo back in 2013 or something. my chemical romance. blink 189. black veil brides. that was their shit. also im sorry but they were a superwholock. sorryyyyyy i also think they'd be into medical dramas like grey's anatomy and dr house LMAO

i dont think seto did or does fandoms. i think seto goes outside too much. he's the only one who has no idea what being in a fandom is like, also the least online definitely (I'll get to mary)

kano would be into youtubers/celebrities. he's so into celebrity gossip it's impossible to talk to him he knows of names youve never even heard of.

like u said mary is a black butler girlie but i guess she could like other mangas... i also think she'd watch medical dramas with kido. BUT she doesnt internet so she has no idea about any of it she just lore dumps everyone instead about any book she's reading. she finds out black butler is actually animated and forces everyone to sit down and watch it with her

momo was the one shipping creepypastas btw. i also think she's a sims girlie she's obsessed with its lore and loves making ocs in there and ends up obsessed with her own sims families (commissions haruka a bunch)

shintaro is into magical girls animes. like any of them. but i also think he'd like some popular cartoons like steven universe LOLLL he was probably furiously defending pearl online. also i think he used to make youtube poops and sparta remixes when he was like 14

haruka and takane are the fnaf lore guys especially haruka i seriously think he arrives to school one day after he stayed up all night watching fnaf lore videos and told takane all about it. they're the ones lining up for the movie rn. they also probably roleplayed undertale together in highschool. also i think takane likes analog horror which is horrible for haruka bc i think he hates horror but he's also weirdly fascinated by it so he's watching through his fingers anything takane puts on lol. they tend to share their fandoms especially in hs because haruka was furiously googling anything takane mentioned to have conversation topics with her

hiyori's obviously into idols. i think like kido she loves bands too but she's from the directioner bts stan vibes. and hibiya i LOVE to make jokes abt him being into whatever 12 year olds are into (fortnite, among us, fnaf) and seriously i do love that and i think gamer hibiya is possible with the power of him making the effort to learn to use his phone and the internet bc all his friends live far away and in the process learns abt all that. but before that he was like seto he has no idea what it feels like to be in a fandom and cannot understand hiyori's visions. he's still not SUPER online though

i loved this question. more questions like this i beg

[lyrictherobot]

Woah OC art?! This is crazy!

Butcher Vanity inspired

Bright colors ahead! Read tags!

This was done with my finger on my phone in Ibis paint! According to ibis paint, this took me around 6 hours overall... though I'm not sure if that's right.

This is not the quality I want a finished piece to be. This was meant to be for fun, quick, and not too hard! I simply wanted to get myself back into digital art as it had started to feel daunting again!

I did add two lighter reds, as this OC has chemical burns that I didn't want to leave out. The red is not meant to be blood! It can be interpreted that way, wouldn't put it past him... but it's meant to be a made-up acid he likes drinking.

Also if the Chinese lyrics are wrong, I apologize! I just took them off google, first page I saw.

These are the inverted & hue shifted versions. I think they look neat, as they much better represent his colors over the original. This is especially true with the hue shifted version! It's literally almost exactly how he actually looks!

. . .

Meet Ivan Moore-- er... well... one of them. I love making au versions of my own ocs it's soo fun! Anyway, as I have so many different Ivans, I like to refer to this one as "Chemical Drinker Ivan" for easy recognition. Blah blah blah backstory blah was burned by fantasy acid when teen blah blah blah. He is my eccentric and over the top gay devious scientist guy. Everyone has one of those, right?

He works for his horrible stain of a father in his father's facility, enjoying his work and taking any excuse he can to get his hands on his favorite drink... an acid! Hence the nickname. He's definitely lost his mind a bit... though he doesn't really care. He enjoys watching others suffer, watching them slowly break down over time and lose themselves. He finds it fascinating! Of course, he does have limits to this.

He's not really... a great person.

This is the least detailed explanation of him I've ever written, but it's also 1am and this is an art post.

[momamistilllyoung]

klance as me and my bfs on a festival of colors! (but make it even gayer)

1. (12pm, mall, furniture shop)

Lance: Lemme show you a pic of a wallpaper I saw recently, it's dark blue with white flowers, a bit Japanese style-

Keith: I'm into one-coloured walls... and it's either just white or just black.

Lance: Oh, you know, I like the style where it's one wall in a different color or one's with a wallpaper-

Keith, at Lance's phone: no... just no for me...

Lance, wanting to get off the topic: okay well maybe a similar couch but longer-

a few hours later

(sw before 7pm) The two talking about how's life for them, Lance almost falling asleep on Keith...

Keith: you know what's the only wallpaper I'd agree to?

Lance, eyes sparking up, his back str8 up: yeaA??

Keith, showing Lance his phone with the image googled: minecraft wallpaper.

Lance: yeahahah! oh! a screenshot of the sakura trees in the newest update!

Keith: yea, okay, we can even take sakura trees:)<3

2. (near 7pm) Some middle-aged lady asked Shiro to take a picture of her and her family all in the colorful powders. Lance runs up to Shiro with his hands full of purple powder, and grabs Shiro's tits trough his not-anymore white t-shirt, making the family burst out laughing. Shiro loves all his kids and forgave him.

A moment after that, Lance and Keith sat on the side and discussed their future dream house together, though they're just a pair of dumb teens now. They sit facing each other and just spitting out ideas. Lance is covered head to toe in the purple festival powder, while Keith is clean cuz he has to run some errands just after the party.

Lance: Hey, you really think we will be able to afford all this?

Keith, putting his clean hand on Lance's purple cheek: No, but we can dream

Keith sees his palm is all purple now, so he shakes it off with the help of his other hand.

Lance, putting his purple hand on Keith's clean cheek, receiving a death stare: yeahahaHAHAH

3. (after 8pm, alr dark) Once Keith's back, they all meet him with festival powders ready. Allura pulls him into a hug and sprinkles a blue and a green one over his back and hair. Keith protests and slips out before she can load out the whole packs on him.

Keith, letting Lance pull him into a hug: Hi, sunshine

Lance, slowly sprinkling the neon yellow one on Keith, like Allura did: Hiiiii-

Allura makes the most of the moment between boys and attacks them with the rest of her packs. Lance is blinded cuz his shades are now wholly blue, gives them to Shiro to clean (on his not anymore white shirt) and they're off chasing Allura with their packs.

BONUS, didn't happen but it reminded me of Klance:

(10:30pm?) Lance and Keith splitting ways after the festive, they've been hugging for about 5 mins now.

Lance, kissing Keith's green cheek, getting the powder on his lips: mm it's actually tasty-

Keith, kissing Lance to try it too: Uh, it's not and wHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT EATING CHEMICALS AND GLITTER-

Pidge, pouring out a neon powder straight into their mouth: no, it is actually-

(anything's good to Pidge after Keith's cooking)

[wednesdaythesecond]

dooooo you think travkey would get married? whats their longterm ideal life with eachother look like?

I've been thinking about this for a longggg time and yes!!!! Yes, I do think that Travie and Mikey would get married. I did some googling about transgender rights, specifically marriage rights, in the 00s and apparently, as long as your marriage started out as legally heterosexual, it'll remain legally binding. In 2007, there was a trans man who legally transitioned to male after divorcing his cis husband and was taken to court about it. The judge ruled that since they were married as a man and a woman, that doesn't annul the past marriage so the cis husband still needed to pay his ex alimony. Back in the 00s, if you wanted to change your sex marker legally, you needed to have physical, medical proof that you had changed your sex– which means bottom surgery. In my travkey universe, both of them want bottom surgery but holy fuck, it takes forever to get it. I won’t get into the depths right now but bureaucracy is a son of a bitch, baby. 

So yes, Travie and Mikey would get married <3 then I think Mikey would get bottom surgery first and then Travie cuz doctors are lunatics about the procedures involved with phalloplasties. But yeah, peace and love on planet couples sex change surgeries. 

Okay cool, we have now established that transgender marriage is legal but what about the rest of their shared lives together? I have a few general themes and ideas for them (it varies from AU to AU) but my big one is NO KIDS. They're not doing sperm and/or egg donors, they're not doing surrogacy or IVF, they're not doing adoption and they're sure as SHIT not doing it naturally. No kids. None. That's not happening for Mikey and Travie. They don't want kids and they don't need them and they’re not having them. I do see them having a future with cats though <3 Mikey will forever have at least one beast of her own and Travie can be the cat dad who stepped up <3 

I also see them being at least somewhat involved with each other’s bands. Like if Gym Class Heroes has a song that mentions a woman then you might see Mikey show up in a music video, Katy Perry style. Or Travie will do something art related for a My Chemical Romance album– I know in my heart he would do beautiful things with the whole Danger Days aesthetic. Also I would kill and die to have Gym Class Heroes and My Chemical Romance tour together for more than just two weeks back in the summer of 2005. 

So yeah <3333 I see them living their best lives together in a cute ass house full of Travie’s art, Mikey’s nerd shit, and with an ensuite bathroom with his and hers sharps disposal boxes <3 

[curiouslycaffeinatedcephalopod]

entry 03

do not be afraid to use technology if using paper based methods of note taking, planning and scheduling and journaling.

when i first started my research project i was afraid of using only applications and software such as Notion, drives for storage, Microsoft Word AI grammar assistance etc. I was afraid because i was told (and anxious about it myself) that i could lose my data and information if i didn't have a backup on paper.

this resulted in me not quite meeting my weekly deadlines with tasks and goals because i was spending time "backing up" all my data, planning, schedules, meeting notes, everything.

Whilst i definitely agree with others that you should have a back up, a lot of these applications and software are so well developed and have really well functioning servers, there is such a minimal chance of just losing everything. it would be more logical to make back ups on other storage platforms/drives than keeping everything in paper AS WELL. this is so time consuming and sends you in a panic every time you need to upload data, write notes, prepare documents, edit documents, review data and leaves you with notes you made hastily (and anxiously) which often times never even helped me as the notes were illegible because i was in such a rush.

of course, a paper based method for laboratory notes is a good idea as devices are not recommended in the labs if you're working with biological matter/chemical substances - pencil down your notes and then you can go home if you have the time and the need to write it onto a notion page or type up a document so that you can review the protocol and how you performed during and the outcomes, any changes you may need to make etc.

you can use notion for your research scheduling and planning and just keep a very simple bullet journal/notebook for day to day notations and planning. i had been told to make sure i have a paper based record of everything i wrote on my notion but i think you can keep an abbreviated version and rather keep a copy pasted document of this and/or screenshots and store that across multiple drives (or one if you're not an anxious academic like me, haha).

if anyone tells you how you should do something so intricately personal to each student/researcher because they do not like the interface you use (yes, i was told i should not use the one thing that has worked for me because it was too difficult for the other party to understand or review), it is obviously nice and kind to try and provide things a format they understand, but do not stop doing the thing you enjoy and that actually helps you reach your goals.

context for number 3:

i found notion through various content creators in the research realm, with mixed recommendations ranging from yes it works well to no not for me. i struggle with planning and procrastinating and academic challenges so i decided to give it a go. honestly, the fact that it was aesthetically customisable was a big plus. that is just simply something that makes me want to work. the next thing was its cross compatibility with other apps and software i used, primarily google. it helped me keep track of upcoming meetings, events and urgent tasks and provided a way for me to visually see my progress. but someone i was wokring with, whose opinion mattered very much to me, had mentioned that they were not a fan and that they did not have the time to use the interface, even though the interface was not our primary mode of communication regarding my research project, it was simply a way for them to see how i was spending my time or planning to as a student of theirs. needless to say, i gave up because their way took way too much time already. it is not a problem or a topic that requires someone to blame, i just was in the midst of an already overwhelming time in my project and had to just do what i needed to survive (lol).

anyways, the lesson i learnt was, after falling a couple months behind because of poor planning and compatibility with how i was going about my most important component of my research was that you really need to prioritise the thing that works for you. whether that is paper based or digital.

but you cannot spend every moment fearing that notion will drop off the face of the earth with all your notes and plans along with it. i wasted so much time stressing and creating paper and digital back ups of EVERYTHING. i have now had to spend essentially a month organising things across multiple emails and drives just to get a start on my next big project. the most important lesson will definitely be that you need to train and teach yourself to know what are things that require a back...

you do not need 17 backups, paper and digital of plans passed and plans to come, you will quickly be reminded or be able to recall most such things as they will stress you out and haunt you so much anyways.

however you certainly do need a sufficient back up of data that belongs to the university as part of your project, or any personal methods of tracking such things.

anyways, sorry for the long rambles i post, i am using tumblr as a way to have a blog until i can actually get a website and publish better and more concise posts. i hope you still enjoy reading or at least find some solace or advice in between it all!

[pbandjesse]

We are just now leaving Jess's soupsgivings party. It was such a nice evening. And it's been a pretty great day.

I am wildly full right now though and pretty uncomfortable. But I will be okay. I am glad we should have a fairly quick hour drive home.

I didn't sleep amazing. I woke up with a nose bleed. I had had such a nice time watching shows with James and felt really happy but physically it is starting to be consistently hard to find a comfy way to sleep. I'm trying really hard to not toss and turn and just stay in one orientation. But man. It is tough to stay comfortable, and on top of that I can't breathe? Not fair.

I didn't wake up enough to hug James but I do remember them kissing my cheek. Love them so much. They had moved the car and unloaded some stuff so we would have room for what Jess was giving us this evening. And I appreciated all the things they do for me.

When I woke up I made the bed, and took a shower, washed my hair, and tried to feel ready for the scary Ticketmaster queue.

I have never bought tickets for something that may sell out, something people describe as a war. All I have heard was about the app or website crashing and scalpers getting all the tickets. And I had resigned myself that it may not happen. I felt like I have to be emotionally ready for that.

At 945 I realized that while I had attached my PayPal, I had not attached my credit card to my account. So I quickly did that. I would get that done one minute before the waiting room lobby opened. I was basically trembling with nerves.

I would be in the lobby for 9 minutes. And then I was in the queue. With almost 16,000 people ahead of me. I was stressed. I was doing all of this on my phone and was very afraid of closing the app, in case it made it restart or crash. So I was also on my tablet googling things.

This is a stadium tour. I checked how many seats are in citizen's bank stadium. About 50,000 seats. So I figured with the behind the stage seats not being available, but the field being available, I was probably in a good spot. And the time would slowly ticket down. I was in the queue for a half hour but then it was my turn.

No thoughts when into this. I grabbed the first two tickets I saw. $93. Some of the cheapest tickets they had. I was thrilled. And even with fees they were only $127. And then I had them! I didn't even know where they were in the stadium. I would check later and was fine with them. Like they are high up, but a baseball stadium is set up to see a tiny ball so there aren't actually any bad seats. I was so excited.

My chemical romance has been one of, if not my favorite band since I was 13. I have never seen them perform. I never thought I would get to see them perform. I feel so lucky that I got tickets. I didn't even try last time they were in Philly and I have regretted it for years. I am just thrilled. Like I don't even know if this is going to be a full album playthrough, new music, or what. But it for real does not matter. They could just play covers of other bands and I would be so excited still. This is going to be such a good time. Can't wait for August.

I was in a great mood after getting the tickets. And the day wasn't even over yet. I still had soup to make!

And my soup went really well. I was proud of how it came out. I wrote out the recipe in a post earlier. But in the moment it was mainly off the top of my head. Loosely based on Liz's chili soup from back when I was in bronze casting classes at community college. I always loved when it has lots of bell peppers. And so that's what I do. And I added orange bell peppers this time and not just green. I could have minced the garlic a little more maybe but it was a valiant effort for something I hate doing (cutting garlic and shallots).

It took me about an hour to make my soup. And once it was done I had a bowl, and put the rest in jars to bring to the party. I was also just texting with my dad and talking about music. He told me that him and his brother saw Led Zeppelin for $8. Wild.

I would spend some time resting. Just hanging in bed. It was nice to just lay down. I'm 22 weeks pregnant today. Baby is the size of a papaya. She's finally reached a pound. At least statistically. The last ultrasound they said she's 29th percentile so she's just a little small. But I am feeling very round. My organs already feel squished under my ribs. But I am doing okay. I'm more comfortable in some ways, and way more uncomfortable in others. I'm just taking it a day at a time.

Eventually I would go for a walk. I went to the CVS down the street and picked up some cereal. It was nice outside but I got a sharp pain in my leg and didn't want to walk more then I had to go get back home.

When I got back home I had a bowl of the cereal. Hung out on the couch with sweetp. And eventually went upstairs to gather myself for heading to pick up James to go to Jess's party.

I got a flannel for James. And packed up my soup. When I got to the car I realized that I couldn't put the seats down because of the wagon behind the passenger seat. So I took that back to the house. Jess said she had a bunch of stuff for us so I wanted to make sure we had the space.

And then I was off. I would get to the musuem a little before 4. And I was just happy to sit with James behind the desk. It's been kind of a hard week of work on James. I hope that my presence brings them some peace.

I told them about my day and getting the tickets. And it was just nice being together.

We would finish up at the museum and start the journey to Jess's at 430. And it was a fine drive. Not much traffic and at all and got to her house right at 6.

We beat the other guests. But it wasn't a long wait. In the mean time James helped Jess bring a box to the attic and loaded up all the baby stuff she had for us in the car. And then we were just waiting.

4 other people were coming. And I was looking forward to trying the soups. Besides my chili soup, Jess has made a cauliflower, Kelly made a pickle soup!!, Rex and their partner made a gourd soup, and Chuck made a Thai noodle soup. It was so fun to get to try all of them. Jess also made an excellent salad and tiny bread bowls for each of us. The conversation was good, though I was feeling really tired which made me feel withdrawn. I have been feeling very withdrawn lately and it's hard to hold conversations. I feel like I'm making a really big effort every time. But I still enjoyed the conversation. I liked sitting next to James in the bench seat. And I was just feeling happy and warm surrounded by the holiday decor.

We stayed for the ranking of the soups and then dessert. The pickle soup was a favorite of basically everyone. I liked my chili best but no one should be surprised by that. All of them were good though and the bread only made it better.

But I was feeling wildly full. Which was just not comfortable and I was struggling finding a way to sit. If I crunched up I hurt my back, but if I sat straight I hurt my belly. I couldn't win. Jess let me try her new back massager thing but I found it a bit painful. But really it was just time to go.

We said goodbye to everyone. Jess yelled at my belly to try and get baby to hear her. And then we were off.

We're about 40 minutes from home now. And I am very much looking forward to bed. Tomorrow should be a full day. With the market and then an educator event in the evening. I believe that's a wedding. So it'll be a busy day but I hope to get some rest in the middle. And hopefully I can make some sales and just have a good time.

I hope you all have a good day too. Taken care of yourself. Goodnight everyone.

[ivoryminitower]

Echoes of Home: 12 - Tsu'na ("test subject")

Echoes of Home: FFXIV AU OC – WoLs on Earth

I am less angry with Husband today than I was yesterday.  Time and sleep and thinking help.  They also help me understand myself, and why I was angry.  I do not know the word for it.  I think there must be a word for it if it is something people do.  Googling "word for getting me to do things without telling me why" did not give me what I was looking for.  But typing it helped me think about it.

We were camping in a tent yesterday near where we planned to gather crafting materials.  The sleeping bag helped in the tent, as well as Husband's warmth, but I still awoke more stiff than I have felt before in this world.  Husband says people often sleep in tents, so there must be something we need to do better.

I was able to use the latrine without falling in.  Husband says there are "chemical toilets" that can be carried with us, but that they smell and need to be emptied and cleaned and cost money.  Husband knows it is silly to think of making inventory space smell, but he thinks about it anyway.  I can understand.  A latrine is a hole we can simply walk away from.

Husband showed me last night how he makes a fire with "matches", little sticks that make a small fire when rubbed on something hard.  It seemed slow, but perhaps it is how people here get heat without fire shards.  I have never needed to make a fire before, so I tried to make one of my own using a shard, but the wood did not burn easily. Husband told me to use smaller pieces of wood first to make the bigger ones burn.  That did work.  I will try using thaumaturgy next time to save shards.

We found enough iron yesterday to make an alembic, so we used it as a kettle to make tea on my fire.  Then we swept the new area for botany and mining sources.  I started with botany and Husband started with mining, then we switched.  We had better luck finding grasses such as rye and wheat than anything from mining, though Husband did find clay.

When we stopped later to eat I saw an animal coming out of the woods.  It had four legs and a long neck and head, like a horse or an antelope.  "Husband.  Is that an antelope?"

"Hm?  No, it's a deer.  Same family, I think."

"So it might work with antelope recipes?"

"Worth a try, sure."

I switched to my bow and shot the deer.  It fell with my first shot.  "It is that weak?"

"You're a level 80 Bard, my love.  There's probably a lot of things on Earth you can kill with one shot."

I got deer meat from the kill.  We did not have the other ingredients for antelope steak, so we saved it for later.  We have enough aldgoat steak and sauteed spinach for a while.

Later I saw the deer respawn and stood to shoot it.  Husband said, "What's up?"

"The deer respawned.  We can resupply."

He looked at the deer. "You sure that's the same deer?"

"No, it is not.  It is a respawn.  What other deer would it be?"

"Deer wander around looking for food.  It could be some other deer."

"But...does it not get crowded if they wander into other deers' respawning area?"

"They…"

He sat there and stared at the deer.  He looked like he was trying to say something, and like he was in pain.  It worried me. "Husband…?"

He took a deep breath. "You're right.  We should stock up.  Go ahead."

I shot, and again the deer went down.  "Deer hide this time.  We can try to use it for antelope hide."

"Sure."

He kept looking at where the deer had been after the body faded. I asked, "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for the respawn."

"To see how long it takes?"

"Sure."

We sat and waited.  It was a few minutes before the deer respawned.  Husband kept staring at it.  I waited for him to speak.  He seemed confused.

Finally he said, "I have never seen an animal respawn on Earth before."

"You have never been hunting here?"

"Well...no, I haven't, but that's not it.  I...didn't know it could happen."

"Where do deer come from, then?"

"Same as people.  They mate, they breed, baby deer grow up.  Lather, rinse, repeat."

"Lather…?"

"Not important."

"What happens if something kills all the deer?"

"Then there are no more deer."

"But this one respawned."

"Yes."

"Because I shot it?"

"Maybe."

"Then you should try."

"Yeah."  He stood, switched to his bow and aimed at the deer. "Yeah."

He did not shoot.

"You have never hunted in this world?"

"No."

"Have you ever killed anything in this world?"

"Not to speak of, no."

"You eat meat."

"From stores.  Which comes from farms.  Where other people raise animals and kill them."

"You killed a lot of things in Eorzea."

"I didn't...think of them as real."

"I am from Eorzea.  Am I real?"

He lowered his bow and looked down at me. "You're as real as I am."

That did not answer my question.  I know he has been thinking about these things since we came here.  I wondered how much he thought about them in Eorzea.

We kept looking at each other.  I decided I needed to ask. "Husband.  Is there something you have not been telling me?"

He got smaller somehow, like he lost strength or energy.  He sat down and looked at the ground a while before speaking.  "Lots of people in this world talk about scientific law.  They think things work in a certain way, and that stuff's impossible because it'd violate scientific law…

"But a guy named C. S. Lewis who wrote a lot about religion said that scientific law is just a body of observations...that all scientific law is like, 'I pointed my telescope in this direction on this date, and this is what I saw.'  People observe patterns, test to see if they can predict things based on the patterns, and write equations.  Which means scientific law is only as good as the observations.  The first time someone sees something that doesn't fit, scientific law has to change."

He looked up at me. "I grew up in this world.  I grew up with ideas of what is and isn't possible.  There's stuff we did in Eorzea, that we're doing here, that I might've said wasn't possible before I met you.  So I'm a little afraid of saying 'We can't do that here'  or 'That doesn't happen here', because if I do it might mean we won't be able to do those things.  Maybe because we never try to do them, or maybe because we think they won't work.  Make sense?"

It did.  It explained some things I had noticed, like how he let me do something first and followed after.  "But you know you cannot do a thing, and yet you do that thing."

"After I've seen you do it.  You don't know it's impossible, so you do it, and then I see you do it and know it's possible.  It's...weird, sure, but it works in my head."

"I am your tool again."

"No, my love, this is science.  You're my test subject."

I was unhappy and I did not know why. "Your test subject is going to try returning home now.  You can observe."

I used Return.  It took me to the spot in the woods outside of Wyatt.  I walked back to town.  I went to the Hartman house and showered and cleaned, then I went to the diner and ate and cleaned.  The Hartmans did not ask why I was early for work or why I was alone.

I thought about what he said.  It made sense.  It made more sense as I thought about it more.  I was still unhappy about it and still did not know why.  Because he did not tell me what he was doing?  I could see that that could affect things, make me doubt.  I will probably doubt now.

I wanted things to have happened differently.  I do not know how else they could have happened.  I wanted to understand Husband and work with him.  I wanted to slap him.

The Hartmans did not speak to me as I worked.  I think I looked like I was trying to kill the floor with the mop.

Husband came to the diner after sunset.  He had fifteen pieces of deer meat and ten deer hides.  He said he looked for different deer to see if they respawned too.  They did.  He observed the pattern.

We did not talk after that.  But we did go to sleep together.