#i did an interview recently and she gave me a beautiful quote

[puddingcatbeans]

love how the batfam longfics really are just "the love was there. it didn't save anyone, but it was there." and now i am sitting here staring blankly at the wall, feeling some type of way

[here4theheartbreak]

The photocards! SanSang!!! Adorable!!! I also really like the Hwa/Mingi one!

Omg the random albums really gave you the full Woosan experience! Sannie with the hearts stuck on his cheeks~ 🥺💕 Also, Mingi looks absolutely incredible this era?? There's something about him! Massive main character energy.

I think you made the right decision! With the amount of pcs available per album, you'd have to get a filing cabinet to store them all! 😭😂

Ohhh, that lot of albums sounds amazing! That's how I got most of my Vixx albums, all in a big bundle! It's great that you have a little network of people wanting albums though, it'd be such a shame for the duplicates to just be sitting around if someone wants/needs them.

I also bought the fan kit! We have SOOOO many tarot cards in this house. 😅 I recently got a cool Korean holographic deck! It's really beautiful~

I've also noticed that about buying straight from KR! The price is usually about the same. And things definitely arrive much faster! I honestly love the Korean postal system. When I mailed a postcard home, it literally arrived the next day. I was amazed.

You were caught ugly crying at a concert by a member of OOO? I salute you. Not many could survive it. 😂

It truly was a shame about Yongguk. Because I'm sure he'd have absolutely no problems interacting with male fans. It's just an example of him being shortsighted, I suppose. He's just gone with what he sees / what he expects. And it's very unfortunate.

That's so true. If someone is absolutely spotless and never puts a foot wrong, then it's kinda strange. If they're eternally, faultlessly good... it feels odd. Like how lawyered up are you, and how deep have you buried the bodies??? Humans make errors. People have bad days. Moods change. It's hard to be ON all the time. It's fine. It's normal. As long as it's nothing malicious or purposefully hurtful, I can understand.

I ALWAYS think this. Particularly about K-pop and gaming. It's grown adults, with regular incomes, who are buying merch and albums, and paying stupid prices for tickets. Plus, going to a concert is an EXPENSIVE experience if you live outside of the city the show is at?? Every K-pop concert I go to costs me around £450-£550 (average of £120 per ticket, £100 travel costs, £160 hotel, £50 for food and drink) + whatever I decide to spend on merch. I spent £160 on Ateez merch in February! Kids are simply NOT affording it.

Oh, Pungja? I love her, she's so funny and her humour is so direct! I really liked the interview she did with Mingi and Hongjoong during Halazia era too. That was around the same time (same week?) we got that WooSanHwa Lucky Oppa episode! (I watched it again yesterday) I really loooove how they all interacted with Hoyoung — especially Woo, he was so excited. It was truly a great week for Ateez interviews and queer interactions in general. And, you're right, there is an honest comfort in their engagement that's GREAT to see. It just doesn't seem to matter, which is obviously how it should be.

I loveeeee San's thanxx rainbow ear!!! 🌈 I really liked thanxx as a whole, I understand that it was a hard time with the whole CA situation. But the song is so good!

Omg. There were SO many quote contenders for my little ateez tattoo. But most of them were a bit sad, even though they're very meaningful to me?? So I just went with the straightforward but hopeful '너와 나의 promise'. But I was SO CLOSE to choosing Joong's whole verse from Halazia... because it's basically (read: exactly) how I feel about my whole health journey these past few years. And there was also 'I shine on my own [people will call that a star]' which is really beautiful... but also kind of lonely in a way?? And then I was like maybe 'just keep it up' because it's so encouraging and Sunrise is a GREAT concert song. But Promise always cheers me up. Although, I did also seriously consider '별처럼 빛나' and I still might get that one because '별' is one of my favourite Korean words. And '처럼' and '빛' are two of my favourite Korean words to say. But I think I'd like to get something more conceptual/visual. Who knows. You'll definitely have to let me know what you decide to get, if you decide! 😊

I really liked neon green Yeosang! But I do prefer his natural hair, especially when it's a bit longer. He looks like an actual fairytale prince. Still, I was a big fan of highlighter green Yeosang! The black stripes have me less enthusiastic BUT I respect his scene kid journey! 😂 He definitely knows that rawr means 'i love you' in dinosaur. Ahhhh. May our lord and saviour (Gerard Way) protect our sweet xXxY3oS4ng13xXx from harm.

San looks stunning with the red hair! Literally, red is SO HARD for idols to pull off. Wooyoung was another GORGEOUS red.

So many more hair things have happened. They change their colours way too fast!

Also, helllllllo, Ateez Cosmopolitan Mingi with the stomach reveal?? It seems like he really wants to show us that area lately. You do you, King. You show 'em what you've got, princess~! 💖

Mingi looks so good this era, I absolutely love the style they put him in. I didn’t love the short cropped when it was blonde, but now that it’s gotten a bit longer it looks amazing (and it looked great with the pink).

And yes, in regards to pcs - I have limited space 🤣I collect pcs for 7-ish groups (only SHINee and Ateez are ‘every album must have a pc’ type collections - the other 5 are more “if they’re cute I will get them” lol) - so far I’ve been displaying them in these little polaroid mini things so I can flip through them easily - but I’m running out of room 😭 I’m probably going to need to get a third one V_V

The album lot arrived last week, it was so much more than I had anticipated! She also sent along '22 Season’s Greetings which I did not at all expect, and the special edition of All to Action which I uh… Wasn’t aware even existed until my friend lost her shit when I showed her the spread 😂 (And I got one of San’s autographed albums 🥲 - not from the same seller but they arrived the same day so I was absolutely chuffed - I need Wooyoung still but am waiting a bit for a good deal).

In all there were 11 duplicates because of some that I already owned. I wasn’t planning on collecting every version of each album, but I mean… She already did 90% of the work for me so 😂 - I actually have a shop online where I resell kpop merch like albums and pcs so it works out; new inventory for my shop, I'll be able to recoup a good half of the money I spent on it I figure.

But, at least until another group I like as a comeback, and until I get the last 2 albums I’m missing (yellow and blue versions of Movement are all that I’m missing V_V - they’re on the way though) - this is what my kpop center looks like overall … I’m out of room.

Oh my God I LOVE that tarot deck! That is so gorgeous!! Where did you get it?? My favorite deck that I own is my Black Deck; I love darker, more eerie decks - but I also love fandom decks; I have a Nightmare Before Xmas one on the way and am eyeing a Star Trek one as well. (And am lamenting the fact that no one has made an American Horror Story deck? Like come on people.)

And yeah, I expect mistakes from people. I’m not delusional, I know my idols and favorite celebrities are human and sometimes humans just don’t want to deal with shit or say things without thinking. It’s just how we are as a species. The problem is when it is repetitive, malicious, or shows willful ignorance or hostility (i.e. sexism, racism, etc) that is not due to ignorance. And right??? I love the stereotype of fans of these things, kpop, video gamers, etc - being 12-14 year old children - like, do people realize the amount of money that it takes to be a fan in the way they are imagining? Obviously I don’t think you need to buy everything or do everything to be a fan - that’s ridiculous - but when these people who mock kpop are mocking fans, they’re mocking ones that have every version of the albums, collect the pcs, go to the concerts, travel to KR to go to fan signs, etc — do they realize what that all costs??? I freely admit that I have a good probably 2k-4k usd worth of merch and albums sitting on my shelf or up on my walls or in binders rn (whether or not I paid that, someone did) and that’s not near as much as it used to be when I collected for BTS, plus a good 500usd or so sitting in a box for resale. A child isn’t going to do that. A child isn’t going to be able to do that, and I know almost zero parents that would be willing to do that for their child - kids are expensive enough as it is 😂 - I fund my son’s hyperfixation (dinosaurs/the Jurassic series) and that’s bad enough. Tickets/concerts are so expensive, you are right! Between the cost of the ticket (which is so much more if the group is popular and if you want seats close or the extras like hi-touch an such). And then travel, hotel, food — and for me personally, even if it’s the rare one in my city (I’ve been lucky enough to see A.C.E and OnlyOneOf here in Minnesota) - most of the time tho I have to travel to Chicago or New York). I still have to pay for a sitter - which isn’t as bad as a hotel but still not cheap — and a kid isn’t going to be driving, so either their parents are footing the gas bill or they’re taking a rideshare, so… Yeah no. (Not to mention some cities here in the US have age curfews - which means parents are gonna need to spend money on an extra ticket to go just so their kid can go.)

Yes! Her. She’s a hoot. I saw she did an interview with those two, I haven’t watched it yet though. I haven’t seen Lucky Oppa either! I will have to go look it up. I’ve never heard of it! I agree as well, that it doesn’t matter - which is what I think is important. I don’t want the community being treated differently in a bad way OR a good way, you know? I just want all of us treated like humans. If you’d treat a cishet host a certain way, then treat the queer host the same way.

And yesss - I swear so many of their lyrics are so deep and meaningful. I feel like a lot of their lyrics are really impactful and speak to me — which ofc is what most fans think, that’s the sign of a good song lol - but you get it. I really like lyrics from Utopia and Aurora (actually Aurora would be really fun to play with as a sort of watercolor night sky looking tattoo but idk). I also really love Better and One Day at a Time - they’re so simple but meaningful. And an odd one that I like but not probably for why you’d think is Good Lil’ Boy - as a transmasc preson there’s parts of it that just resonate for me. I’m sure that I’m sure wasn’t the original intention but 🤷🏻‍♂️ - also parts of Say My Name and Thanxx for a similar reason.

There’s a shop that I found, they did my Doodle tattoo (which was also my first pride tattoo without planning for it; I told her that they could play with the colors of it and she realized it was the perfect # of letters to use for pride colors lol. I love this shop though; it only hires queer, disabled, female identifying, or poc artists. The owner is an enby artist who specializes in top surgery/scar coverups — I want to go to them when I finally decide on what I want for my top surgery scar tattoo. But there’s one artist there that does amazing watercolor - I really would like to have her do sth. But I’m sure I’ll figure something out; maybe I’ll get it for my birthday next year, I try to get one a year when money allows.

The way I snorted over “xXxY3oS4ng13xXx” - because I definitely had a username similar and so did my friend - the nostalgia this kid is giving me rn 😂 - that’s why I don’t like it, it’s giving me clique war flashbacks 🤣🤣🤣🤣(speaking of nostalgia tho - the 2022 Season’s Greetings that I got from that seller - talk about making me feel old jfc - the fact that these trends are retro for these GenZ kids V_V please. They were cute, but I also wanted to hide under a rock seeing some of them).

And yes oh my GOD Wooyoung’s red hair was amazing. It caught my attention right away. I can count on one hand the number of idols that have been able to pull of that neon red and honestly 1/2 of them are Ateez members 😂 - tho some of them really are just super well suited to fantasy colored hair. Like Joong looks amazing in various unnatural colors imo; my least favorite styles of his are when he’s just with his natural hair 😅

The COSMO OH MY GOD I DIED. The way I immediately went to my budget and wiggled stuff around to pre-order a couple of those, it was embarrassing. (I was gonna get all 9 but even I realized it was a bit silly to get 9 copies of the same magazine just for the covers… Despite my desperate want for them.) If I had an easy way to display all of them I would’ve, but alas, my walls are already almost entirely full so, I limited myself to WooSan and ot8. Mingi tho - absolutely killer. And Yunho??? I swear, that man goes totally off my radar for periods then BAM - there he is.

Also, I was watching some shorts and this video came up and I just… Wooyoung is so tiny he looks like a little boy V_V — and I know he’s not really all that small (tho tbf compared to my barely 5ft ass EVERYONE is tall) - but he looks so little next to him and the expression he’s making 😩 My heart.

[clouds-of-wings]

#I hope this is ok to reblog lemme know if not#but thank you got bringing all this up#I know AI generated album covers are a thing and I'm extremely critical of them#AI music videos though??? FFS!!!!#I remember when I tried torrenting WT's Resist album that was about... fighting against... something? 'The System?'#and it was the only times we received mail about pirating from our internet provider#motherfuckers do y'all not see the irony???#tone deaf as fuck all this#anyway#music stuff

(tags by @in-ravenlight)

Loooool okay I know I said I wouldn't talk about this topic anymore, but a WT mention was just about the only thing that had the ability to make me break that promise. Because that is really the icing on the shit cake that WT has been recently. To be fair though, that album is released by the big-ass pop label Universal, so they are probably the ones monitoring torrents and trying to get people in trouble. I really doubt that that's a decision the band made. But, if you sign to Universal, you might as well sign to Disney tbh, so that says something too. It's the very corporate option.

But anyway, their newer singles are all about Justice(TM) and Good(TM), for example they suddenly started caring about Iran when it was trendy for a few months, and they also made a video about sexual assault. Because, you see, they care. Except when it saves them money not to, as Sharon pointed out pretty explicitly in an interview. I quote at length:

Asked if she and her bandmates were concerned about the variety of dangers AI poses, ranging from the small to, potentially, the existential, before embracing it for the creation of their videos, Sharon said (as transcribed by BLABBERMOUTH.NET): "Well, yes, very much, because I understand the concerns and I hope there will be a law soon to guide everyone to what's allowed and what's not allowed because sometimes it's not very obvious what the dangers are and that will help people to make the right decision, I guess. For us, it is a tool that we love, especially because of the fact that it gives so much opportunity and a lot of times, it would not be… It's very expensive to do what we did actually now normally, and it still was a very expensive video, though it may not look like one… We were very happy how it turned out because it became a very new type of video for us, something that we would not able be to be to afford because it takes so much time. And also money-wise, it's very expensive to make something like that similar, an animation like that. We always wanted it, and this is the first time that, with a tool like this, it's still even possible. And we wanted to have like a painting coming to life, and that's what we tried to do. And it worked out like that. But like I said, the lip sync is something that needs to be worked on in the future; that's something that AI is not very good at. So on that point, that's a little bit less beautiful. But on the other hand, we did everything in the same way that we normally do. We use the same group of people, worked with the same people, I mean. And so we had the director, we wrote the storyline together. There were actors who were filmed, the band was filmed, everybody was filmed like we normally do, but the only thing is we added someone to it, to the team; that's the AI specialist. And, of course, there's a lot of things to still figure out what to do with AI in the future. But I think there's a lot of upside, not just in the art way, but also in hospitals, like finding certain cures for certain things — not cures, but maybe problems, like scans and everything; it goes easier with AI, for instance, than it normally would with a lot of people, which is more expensive."

So to sum up: The situation is soooo confusing but also, you have to understand, the band really fucking likes money, and if they gave that money to an animation team they'd have less of it. So what's a tiny band with a mere 2 million monthly Spotify listeners, some impoverished recent labelmates of Taylor Swift, to do? Plus, AI also gets used for good things in hospitals, so that's exactly the same thing and no one would criticize it, right?

But yeah, they still really, really care about justice. At least when it makes them money.

I guess I can post this now... this is the video to the new Therion single, out 2 days ago. As you can see even from looking at the preview picture, it's AI generated, by Stable Diffusion to be precise.

So, the latest one in the sad parade* of "bands I like that have no problem with screwing over visual artists to save a few bucks and have their heads in the sand about how it might impact them to legitimize this way of making content"? Thankfully no. Christofer wrote a very long text about his opinions on AI yesterday, which are generally very critical of how the technology is used. The video above was apparently made without his input, he hadn't specified that he wanted AI and was in fact a little shocked when he got the video and didn't want to use it. But it was also too late to order another video, so he figured he'd take it to avoid not having a video at all, and also use it to start a discussion. There had apparently been some AI stuff in the "Twilight of the Gods" video too at first, but he had made them take it out.

Being made with Stable Diffusion, the video of course uses stolen art. The bot is also doing its best as a "bias automation machine", as the meme goes, by accompanying a song about Turkish mythology with imagery of Arabs, Arabic stuff, and deserts, an inaccuracy that was apparently lost on the production team behind the video, but very much not lost on Turks on YT.

Anyway, Christofer would, based on his text, like it if people thought about the future of the arts for 0.05 seconds before jumping head first into AI, and also thinks we need to "strengthen the cult around real art" to keep human-made creations alive. And complain a lot, of course. Under videos like the one above.

--

\* Those are by no means the only bands that come to mind, but they are the biggest ones that I am in some way interested in and that I have seen use AI openly. A couple of smaller bands I like did the same, but I don't wanna hate on them on my blog since they're basically just some random people with a hobby, not public figures. I did try to be more understanding towards them, but I don't know if I really succeeded at that.

[soursfilms]

this is my first post and maybe my only post here because i usually just lurk, like and comment, but portwells and rinis make these three questions/comments a lot especially with recent events, and i just want to talk about them and answer them for you. hopefully this will answer it and give you a different perspective. 

(i don’t mean to come across as rude im just very brutally honest with the way i talk. so if you get easily angry or upset scroll, but im going to tag all ships in the tags because again, im answering questions/comments i see in the tag a lot and im not hating on the ships or characters by any means, im not an anti, im just answering. so if you’re open for an open minded conversation keep reading. i don’t want to hear that you weren’t warned or that i didn’t tag anti * tags because like i said, im not an anti)

one;

“if nini was in season three the season would look very different” *regarding ricky and gina*

the show has established in season two they were no good for each other right now and ricky hated who he was becoming. (which are words that came out of canon ricky’s mouth. a fact.) if you like nini you would also know her arc was about finding herself and doing things for herself. so why would they put her with ricky again in season three? that’s not a second chance that’s their millionth one! jk* i can go on a rant about how the show foreshadowed their downfall since season one from the moment ricky’s mom said “not all couples are meant to be together” but i won’t because that can be biased and im not trying to do that in this post.

ricky’s unresolved feelings for gina were always there. they never had closure. it was only a matter of time until they’d have to circle back to it and address them. the show let rini go in a beautiful way id highly doubt they’d go back to it in season three after they just broke up for a second time. as a nini stan id be pissed if they did. (i love all the characters btw)

tim has said in an interview the rini breakup was planned before “drama” happened. so no, it’s not because of that rini is over. he also said in an interview, when asked about the rina flashback, that it was filmed in season one, so it was planned. also mentioned a comment, that they’re, “seeds being planted for the future” again another fact he said. (like i said, im not here to bash or be petty, just answering your questions with facts. im not pulling these quotes out of thin air.)

i think a lot of you can’t accept that tim federle is obviously going for a girl falls first boy falls harder trope with ricky and gina. which is the oldest teen drama trope in the book. he draws inspiration from old teen dramas, like dawson’s creek (which he has mentioned a lot!) a show where the protagonist ends up with her second love. very familiar situation here, right?

two;

 “that’s his third choice”

ricky didn’t choose nini over gina because gina was not there to be chosen. SHE MOVED. she ignored his texts, told him to never call her again. so tell me how he was going to “choose” gina? especially when the show runner has said he was “clinging to his past with nini.” (another fact he said in an interview)

they took gina away for ricky to acknowledge nini again. missed a whole episode without her.

when you choose both options need to be available to you and gina was not. 

lily wasn’t even a choice because by then gina was not even speaking to him! she ignored his attempt to partner in 206 and he gave her space. lily was a rebound, he disliked her and the canon show made that clear. 

at the end of the day being around someone you have unresolved feelings for will resurface them. ricky liking gina is nothing new. we knew they mutually liked each other in season one.

he never made “choices” their timing was just never right. 

this perception you all have with being first, second or third choice is very weird? because by that logic isn’t ej gina’s “second choice” because she couldn’t have ricky? yeah okay.

you’re all confusing bad timing for “second options”

second love ≠ second choice

three;

“what about all this ej and gina development” is simply answered with, that was clearly a plot device ship. you didn’t see their first kiss, didn’t get pay off when they were together only five seconds at the beginning of summer and so much more, it was very evident where it was going…

gina NEEDED relationship experience before she ever got with ricky. she needed to move on so ricky could be the one pining, because that’s how the trope works and they’re filling out all the boxes for it. 

you all hate ricky and gina because you see their season two angst as this unforgivable thing when ricky never hurt her intentionally. she was sad because he was in a relationship and she couldn’t be with him the way she wanted to. the same thing ricky is going through now.

this fandom can’t understand good angst because you expect everything to be sunshine and rainbows and that’s not how teen dramas work. they’re teenagers! they make mistakes! ricky made his but guess what? he’s paying for it now 10X worse. 

now ej is making his mistakes, which is actually what season two did to ricky. he was the “villain” and you all hated him (when he was just going through a lot) and then, here comes ej being put in a more positive light and being the “prince in shining armor” to gina’s story. (i can go on a rant about this and the writing and the double standards you all have for those two characters, but i won’t…)

at the end of the day they all “deserve” love. and im sorry but we can all see where the writing for this show is going towards and a lot of you are being bitter about it, which understandable, (i understand not liking seeing ej’s character be the one used for this development for the main character’s benefit) but missing the point completely to fit your narrative. calling rina a “third, second, etc choice” or “wouldn’t happen if nini didn’t leave” or “fan service” is just false and extremely petty. you can say you hate the ship, but making up false statements is ???

especially when i can pull different scenes from season one and two that debunks those arguments that “ricky never cared for gina” he was glancing at her in new years, basically told gina they were each others confidants in 203 “we do that for each other” etc. obviously they weren’t strong because he was in a relationship just like gina’s feelings aren’t strong now because she’s ALSO in a relationship. however, that doesn’t take away the fact they were always left unresolved, for the both of them.

and this is all i have to say on that!

we all have our opinions but some of you think and believe your opinion is a fact when it’s not. i just debunked these comments/arguments for you with facts and you don’t have to agree with me or like the ship (you can ship whatever. you can hate rina, it doesn’t matter.) but a lot of your opinions aren’t a fact when it’s not what the canon show is telling you.

[marciabrady]

ok, here's the thing...i'm used to the live action princesses speaking badly about their animated counterparts but something about the rachel z*lger interviews that i've seen recently physically make me ill? it's so...meanspirited. also i don't know how long it's going to take people to see this flawed rhetoric that we viewed other women with is MISOGYNISTIC

look at how much adoration and reverence adriana caselotti had for the character she took great pains to embody and keep alive for her entire life. this quote was released in connection to the 50th anniversary of snow white

adriana caselotti: "dear snow white admirers, when i was selected to be the speaking and singing voice of snow white in walt disney's "snow white and the seven dwarfs" fifty years ago, little did I know that i was going to be a part of one of the greatest movies ever produced. indeed, it was a great honor, and it gave me great pleasure to work with walt disney and all the others in creating the world's first full-length animated feature. an ageless film that will continue to be seen for years to come. let us hope that the fine qualities of goodness and love exhibited through the character of snow white, be an inspiration and reminder to all mankind that we can achieve happiness and great satisfaction by performing what should be the simplest task of all; that of working together with one another to achieve our personal and common goals. with love, adriana caselotti"

look at all the values and the beauty and love and kindness and optimism adriana writes with in observation to the character and compare it to rachel's vile assertation

rachel z*lger: "the reality is that the cartoon was made 85 years ago and therefore it's extremely dated when it comes to the ideas of women being in roles of power and what a woman is fit for in the world. when we came to reimagining the actual role of snow white, it became about the fairest of them all, meaning who is the most just and who can become a fantastic leader and the reality is snow white has to learn a lot of lessons about coming into her own power before she can come into power over a kingdom. (gal gadot: "also the fact that she's not going to be saved by the prince and she's the proactive one and she's the one who set the terms is what makes it so relevant to where we were today) i was scared of the original cartoon. i think i watched it once and then i never picked it up again (gal laughs offscreen) like, i'm being so serious. i watched it once and then i went on the ride in disney world which is called 'snow white's scary adventures'...doesn't sound like a little kid would like, was terrified of it, never revisited snow white again. so i watched it for the first time in probably 16, 17 years...when i was doing this film"

[flosbelova]

I’ll Always Protect You

florence pugh x fem!reader

warnings: mention of death threats.

word count: 1.7k

summary: you and florence had been dating for a while. when she posts you on her Instagram, you receive a bunch of hate comments and florence defends you and your relationship.

request from @the-loving-quotes​

Dating Florence Pugh has been one of the greatest decisions you have ever made in your life. You both have managed to keep your relationship lowkey until she randomly posts you on her Instagram. It was a photo of you looking at this mountain view at sunset from the balcony. She captioned it “My happy place.” 

Your heart started to race as soon as you saw a photo of yourself on her Instagram-- and the fact that she tagged you almost made you pass out.

You looked through her comments and let’s just say most of it wasn't what you would have expected. Some were positive-- for example, there were comments that read:

“OH MY GOSH IT CONFIRMED! I'M SO HAPPY”

“I’m so proud of you <3”

“You guys are the absolute cutest!”

Then, there were comments that weren’t so positive. It was a mixture of homophobic comments and comments that said “Florence deserves better.”

Of course, they hurt, but you didn’t mind at first and chose to focus on the more positive comments. 

-

A couple days pass and you also decide to post Florence on your Instagram. As you hit “post,” your phone instantly started buzzing with notifications. Again, the comments were all a mixture of the positives and the negatives. However, you wanted to focus on the positive side and ignored the comments.

-

You posted Florence on your Instagram story, and you received a lot of DM’s. Although you don’t open your DM’s, you decided to check just for the hell of it. As soon as you swiped to your message requests, you instantly regretted swiping. 

“Kill yourself. You don’t deserve Florence.”

Tears started to well up in your eyes, but you quickly wiped them away when you heard Florence come into the living room.

“Dinner’s ready, darling,” she says, holding a wooden spoon.

“Hm? Oh, right. I’ll be there in a sec,” you respond.

“Is everything alright, love?” she walks towards you with a concerned look on her face.

You take a deep breath. “Yes, everything’s fine.” You clench your jaw hoping Florence would drop the subject.

She pouts and looks at you with worry. Florence knows every little detail about you. She knows that nothing is ever “fine,” when it follows with you clenching your jaw. However, Florence doesn’t like to overstep on your boundaries, so she drops the subject and figures she’ll ask you later. 

“Alright, love. C’mon, let's eat. I’ve made your favorite,” she says, giving you a soft smile.

-

You loved Florence’s cooking and you always made sure to compliment her dishes whenever she cooked. However, tonight was quiet. The two of you sat in silence, quietly eating your dinner. 

You were grateful that Florence knew to get off your back whenever you were in a mood. That’s one of the things that you appreciated most about her, her ability to understand your emotions and how you cope with them. 

You knew that she would eventually ask you what happened as you have both communicated that suffering in silence wasn’t healthy.

You finished dinner early and asked yourself to be excused. You headed to bed as soon as you finished your meal. Florence stayed in the kitchen to tidy up and to give you some more space.

-

Laying on your side, you couldn’t help but to grab your phone and scroll through your notifications. As hurt as you were already, you were too stubborn to gain some self-control. As terrible as that message was, your comment section got even worse. Not only was it filled with homophobic comments, but you were also getting sent death threats. You had checked Florence’s account and pressed on your photo. You noticed that she turned off the comments.

You felt the bed behind you dip as an arm wrapped around your torso.

“Hi,” Florence whispers, and she rests her chin on your shoulder.

“Hi,” you weakly respond. You sigh as you turn your phone off and place it on the bedside table. You turn around in Florence’s arm and face her.

Florence gave you a worried smile and she wiped the tears on your face. You were so busy scrolling through the hate comments that you hadn’t noticed that tears were falling from your eyes.

“Oh, my love.” Florence places a gentle kiss on your forehead. She then looks at you with worry in her eyes. Florence couldn’t imagine what was going through your mind.

“I know you saw the comments,” she begins, “I saw them too. As soon as I saw the hate comments, I immediately turned them off.”

You sniffled and took a deep breath. “I got death threats,” you say, your voice breaking.

“What?” Florence says, appalled. Florence could feel her heart race and feel herself be filled with rage.

“That’s it, I’m making a post, this is unbelievable,” Florence says getting up to get her phone.

“No, please, you don’t have to,” you plead, “it’ll only make things worse.”

“No it won’t, Y/n, I promise you,” Florence says, already typing in her notes.

“You can’t promise me something that you have no control over,” you say coldly.

Florence pauses. She looks over at you, takes a deep breath and pouts. She stares at you for a while, studying your face. Florence is the type of person to defend the people she loves and doesn’t care if it will give her a bad rep. You just so happen to be one of the people that Florence loves, and she will do whatever it takes to defend you and her love for you.

“It doesn’t matter, what matters is that someone I love is being sent death threats, so please, let me say something,” she says, reaching for your hand.

“I really don’t deserve you,” you sigh.

“You do Y/n, you deserve every bit of me as much as I deserve every bit of you,” Florence says, caressing your cheek. 

-

A few days passed and Florence posted a video on her Instagram regarding the hate you had been receiving. 

“To my “fans,” who have sent a tremendous amount of hate to my girlfriend, Y/n, kindly unfollow me. I do not need your negativity towards my relationship with her. The hate you throw at her is hate you throw at me. The death threats you throw at her, are also death threats you throw at me. It is not your place to tell me who I should and should not love, nor is it any of your business. I do not appreciate the comments you have thrown at her. She does not deserve it, and nor do I. I am happy with Y/n. She makes me a better person. So please, leave my relationship alone and stop sending my girlfriend death threats. I will not ask again.”

After watching the video, you were in shock. Even if you had talked about it a couple days prior, you still didn’t expect that she would actually post it. Florence kept the comments on and fortunately, it was filled with massive support from other celebrities. You were grateful.

-

Florence had an interview with Jimmy Kimmel this week to discuss her recent and future projects. Of course, her video regarding your relationship was a topic of discussion. You stayed backstage and watched Florence’s interview from her dressing room.

“Okay, I think everyone here has seen the video that you had recently posted regarding your relationship,” Jimmy says.

“Yeah, I hope so,” Florence chuckles nervously.

“So tell me, if you’re comfortable, why you had said what you needed to say?” he asks.

“Did you watch the video?” Florence says sarcastically, earning a couple laughs from the crowd. “Um, I figured that I needed to. I mean my girlfriend was getting sent death threats for no apparent reason and it needed to stop.” This earned Florence a clap from the audience.

“That’s fair. God, the internet is so toxic, isn’t it?” Jimmy complains.

“Yeah,” Florence agreed. “Y/n and I had been dating for a while now and we’d managed to keep it lowkey. I just thought that when I’d finally posted her that I wouldn’t receive such horrid comments. Which is why I felt the need to address this because I hate seeing the people I love get hurt.”

A couple people from the crowd “Awwed”

“So, tell me what it is about Y/n that just makes you so in love with her?” Jimmy asked curiously.

Florence smiled as she thought about the things that she loved most about you. “Her smile was something that caught my eyes right off the bat. She has such a kind smile and I would do everything just to keep her smiling.”

The crowd “Awwed” again.

“Also, Y/n is so loving. She won’t admit it because she likes to be that “tough” person on the outside, but inside she’s a big softie. She gives the best cuddles. I also love how she makes me tea every time I come home from filming.”

“Aww, that must be nice. I think we all need a Y/n in our life, right?” Jimmy says.

The camera pans to the crowd who was cheering and nodding their heads.

“Well, too bad, Y/n is only one person and I’m the lucky girl who has her,” Florence says wittily. 

The crowd laughed and clapped.

“Alright, well it was lovely having you, Florence,” Jimmy says, shaking Florence’s hand. “And that’s all for tonight, we’ll see you tomorrow!”

-

On the ride home, you rested your head on Florence’s shoulders.

“You really had to call me out, didn’t you?” you ask.

“Yeah, maybe just a little,” Florence says, making a gesture.

You chuckle and look at her. “Did I ever tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid my eyes on?”

“Yes, Y/n, you tell me everyday,” she says, grabbing your cheek.

You smile and close the gap between you. Florence melts into the kiss and moves her hand to the back of your head, running her hands through your hair. You pull away to catch some air and Florence rests her forehead against yours.

“I love you, Flo. Thank you for everything.”

“I love you too Y/n. and don’t thank me, you know I’ll always protect you.”

The End

[no-reply95]

I was scrolling through the Beatles topic on Twitter the other day and came across a tweet from Mark Lewisohn referring to a talk he’d given to the Fab4cast podcast on the Get Back sessions and Spring period of 1969. I assumed that it was a recent talk so I gave it a listen but the talk is actually from 2019.

I tend to find Lewisohn’s podcast interviews to be very interesting. He’s obviously got decades worth of Beatle knowledge stored up so you’re almost guaranteed to learn something new or hear an anecdote that you’ve never heard before but more than the factoids he’s accumulated over the years I find his interpretations of the band extremely telling.

The part of the conversation that really caught my attention was when the podcast hosts brought up the fact that John and Paul’s weddings were really close together and wondered if the two events were connected in any way, I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that this probably got the biggest reaction out of Lewisohn, the main points of the exchange are outlined below (time stamp 47:12)

Host: “Well also in this period there are two events, the marriages of John and Paul, within 8 days of each other… I read that John wanted to marry on the 14th, two days after Paul’s wedding but couldn’t do it because of legal issues, how much was his [marriage] a response to Paul’s marriage do you think?”

Lewisohn: “I’ve read that people say that it was but never heard John say that it was so there’s no validity to those claims they’re just people assuming that John didn’t want to be outdone by Paul… that’s the kind of writing that annoys me because it becomes part of the fact and it’s some writer thinking that’s what it probably was… Unless someone out there can find a Lennon quote in which he actually says it in which case I stand corrected and I’ll be very happy to do so”

There’s a lot going on in these quotes so I’m gonna break down my thoughts on this further:

The illusion of John’s honesty

What Lewisohn displays here is something I believe is pretty common within the Beatles’ authorship. I believe in Revolution In The Head Ian McDonald referred to John as “truth” and Paul as “beauty” and I think a lot of writers do tend to assign those attributes consistently to John and Paul. Reading (or listening) to the Lennon Remembers interview now, it’s hard to believe at one stage people took what John was saying as fact and never even questioned whether there were emotions or agenda behind what he was saying, despite the contradictions (“Me and Paul stopped writing together in 1962” vs “Me and Paul worked really closely together on Sgt. Pepper”) and because John was so charismatic and would speak openly in interviews and to people he knew about both the good and bad in his life I think people, and in this case Lewisohn, assume that John told us everything of note that happened in his life, which I don’t think is a realistic expectation of anyone, let alone someone as famous as John. I think it’s problematic to take John’s or anyone else’s words, especially when they’re said in public, as the gospel truth because everyone has an agenda and John was no different. I also think it’s unrealistic to believe that John would ever announce that the reason he and Yoko got married when they did was in any way connected to Paul, that would have sullied the sanctity of “John and Yoko TM”, I mean, how can you be the greatest love story ever if the reason you decided to get married was because your musical partner who you may have unresolved romantic feelings for got married? I don’t think John would publicly embarrass Yoko like that or risk undermining the strength of the brand he was trying to create with his new relationship by admitting that Paul’s marriage spurred them on. That Lewisohn is apparently holding out for a lost interview of John stating that Paul was involved in the timing of his marriage to Yoko just sounds pretty far fetched to me.

The timing of John’s wedding in relation to his and Yoko’s divorces

As discussed in this podcast, Paul and Linda got married (pretty unexpectedly I believe) on 12 March 1969 and John and Yoko got married 8 days later (and apparently they wanted it to be sooner) on 20 March 1969. Aside from the extremely close proximity of John and Paul’s weddings it should be noted that John’s divorce from Cynthia was finalised in November 1968 and Yoko’s from Tony Cox was finalised in January 1969.

So why am I bringing up John and Yoko’s divorces? Because it meant that they were free to marry each other from January 1969, there was no longer a legal issue preventing them and if John’s bursting out in song about it, you would assume that they would have started planning their wedding ASAP… but curiously they didn’t. How do we know John and Yoko weren’t planning a wedding before Paul married Linda? Because once Paul was married John and Yoko started scrambling to get married ASAP, suddenly there was a rush and need to be married that hadn’t existed before, John suddenly wanted to marry Yoko on a ferry but they couldn’t be married there, then John wanted to marry Yoko in Paris but they needed to be resident in Paris for a period of time before they could get married there so eventually they settled on Gibraltar as they could get married there at short notice. Clearly there was a sudden need for John and Yoko to get married that didn’t materialise until around March 1969, am I and countless other people (including Paul himself) crazy for assuming that Paul’s wedding impacted John’s sudden desperate need to be married? If it wasn’t Paul’s wedding, what was it?

Authorial interpretation and assumptions

I’m really fascinated by the visceral reaction Lewisohn had to just the suggestion that the timing of John and Yoko’s wedding was connected to Paul and Linda’s. For Lewisohn to state it annoys him was pretty shocking to me because, given what is publicly known about this period and the lack of any other logical reason for John and Yoko’s wedding to be so close to Paul’s and Linda’s, I don’t think it’s bad writing to point out the proximity and suggest that the timing was more than a coincidence.

Based on his reaction, you would assume that Lewisohn would be set against any form of interpretation where the principal in question hadn’t confirmed that the interpretation was in fact correct but that would be an incorrect assumption to make. Some of you may be aware of the Hornsey Road shows Mark Lewisohn was giving in 2019 around the 50th anniversary of Abbey Road. During these shows Lewisohn played a clip from the, now infamous, 4-4-4-2 meeting tape and gave a presentation on the Abbey Road period in the Beatles’ history. One of the points Lewisohn raised during the show was that during the sessions, after the car accident in Scotland, a bed was brought into the studio for Yoko so she (and sometimes John) could rest while work on the album progressed. According to Lewisohn, one morning they turned up to the studio and someone had removed one of the legs from the bed, leaving it with 3 legs *dramatic pause* which was him heavily hinting that he thought Paul broke Yoko’s bed on purpose and then bragged about it on the Ram album by including a song called 3 legs, I’m not going to go into the validity (or lack thereof) of this claim but I find it very interesting that Lewisohn was annoyed about authors suggesting that the timing of John and Yoko’s wedding was connected to Paul and Linda’s but he seems happy to publicly speculate that Paul was sabotaging Yoko’s bed in the studio based on the title of a song that he would release on Ram two years later and nothing else.

Is there any evidence that connects John’s wedding to Paul’s?

I’ve already outlined the suspiciousness of John and Yoko choosing to get married right after Paul, when they had been free to marry for weeks prior but is there any other evidence that either proves that the weddings were connected or is Lewisohn right to deem that suggestion as lacking in validity?

Interestingly there actually is unverified eyewitness testimony that does connect John and Paul’s weddings (something not mentioned by Lewisohn in this podcast). I believe there’s an anecdote from Les Anthony (John’s chauffeur at the time) about him driving John and Yoko around when news of Paul’s wedding suddenly came across the radio, to which John apparently said to Yoko that “we have to get married now”… I couldn’t track down the exact source for that story (if anyone knows the source please let me know) so I’m not sure how credible that anecdote is but, assuming it is accurate, then that would suggest a correlation between John and Paul’s weddings that Lewisohn is adamant doesn’t exist.

Why does this matter?

I do think that this podcast interview could be indicative of a few future concerns I personally have around the way the Beatles discourse will progress in the future. Firstly, this was only a podcast interview so it’s unlikely that when Lewisohn releases the final book in his trilogy that he’ll discuss the weddings in this manner (I.e. although he’s adamant the timing of John’s wedding had nothing to with Paul he failed to offer any sort of explanation regarding why John and Yoko were rushing to get married when they’d had weeks to prepare a wedding).

It’s a slight worry that Lewisohn seems to believe that John announced every single thing that happened in his life of note, especially concerning Paul and Yoko. If John had told us everything of interest about him, surely his Dakota diaries would be the basis of a Netflix series by now and not locked away in a vault (assuming they haven’t already been destroyed). To me, like several authors before him, Lewisohn seems to be mistaking John’s emotional honesty with factual honesty. It didn’t escape my attention that several clips of the Lennon Remembers interview were inserted into this podcast and Lewisohn quotes extensively from it in Tune In as well. There’s nothing wrong with using Lennon Remembers as a source but if you do use it you should be analysing the veracity of what was said as we know that John was in a torched earth mentality at that time and even he himself has said what he said in that interview wasn’t meant as a timeless manifesto. It’s a shame that given his ability of analyse sources Lewisohn has never (to my knowledge) critically analysed Lennon Remembers, given that other sources have been analysed this makes LR a strange omission.

Finally, Lewisohn does tend to make some good insights and does have the ability to read between the lines (I.e. him noting Paul’s tendency to say “we” when in most cases he means himself) but with John I do think he has a bit of a blindspot. Why Lewisohn is happy to speculate without evidence in some cases (3 legs) but he draws the line at the suggestion that John and Paul’s weddings being connected is anyone’s guess. If Lewisohn can turn his attention to reading between the lines with John and the other Beatles too and connecting the dots then we should get a Beatles biography that finally addresses a lot of the issues we cover on this site. However, if we take the approach of only using John and Yoko’s PR to understand the events that transpired before and after the band broke up then the story hasn’t moved much further than 1970 and given all that we know now I think that would be a huge shame.

[drosera-nepenthes]

A Royal Recluse: Princess Clotilde

Just at the time when, in consequence of the weakness and folly of the republican government, certain French Monarchists are looking to Prince Victor Napoleon Bonaparte as the possible savior of their country, the Prince, whose marriage to Princess Clementina of Belgium recently brought him before the public, was watching by the deathbed of his mother, Princess Clotilde of Savoy, who breathed her last on June 25. The story of this royal lady is a pathetic one and, apart from the interest that is attached to her as the mother of the imperial candidate to the French throne, her personal character was one of rare beauty.

She was the daughter of Victor Emmanuel II, first King of Italy, and of Adelaide, Archduchess of Austria, and was born at Turin on March 2, 1843. Her mother died in 1855, leaving five young children, of whom Clotilde was the eldest, the others being Humbert, the future King of Italy ; Amadeo, Duke of Aosta ; Maria Pia, the queen dowager of Portugal, and a son who died in childhood. The Queen of Sardinia (Victor Emmanuel had not at that time laid violent hands on the independent states of Italy) was an exemplary wife and mother, and her orphan daughters were carefully educated by the attendants whom she had placed about them.

Never was a princess more ruthlessly sacrificed to political interests than the eldest princess of Savoy. When a mere child of sixteen, Clotilde was chosen to cement the alliance between France and Sardinia, and was promised in marriage to Prince Napoleon Jerome, nephew of Napoleon I and first cousin Napoleon III, the reigning sovereign. Princess Clotilde was connected with the Bourbons, her very name was French and was given to her in memory of the French Princess Marie Clotilde, sister of Louis XVI, who married a King of Sardinia ; but allied as she was by close ties of blood to the Bourbons, she had nothing in common with the Bonapartes who occupied their place, and a more ill-assorted couple never existed than the middle-aged, violent, cynical and free-thinking Prince Napoleon and the daughter of the most ancient royal house in Europe, who traditions and surroundings were strictly conservative and religious. Their marriage took place at Turin on January 30, 1859. The bride was sixteen and the bridegroom thirty-seven. He had a handsome presence and was intelligent and well informed and well informed, but neither his private life nor his freely expressed opinions on public matters made him estimable or lovable. His attitude with regard to his cousin, the Emperor, was one of constant opposition, and it was reported that his anti-religious views led him to take part in the banquets organized by a group of free thinkers on Good Friday. Under the Second Empire the French Government was officially Catholic, and Prince Napoleon's hostile and aggressive attitude was pronounced ill-bred, if not worse. Throughout France he was distinctly unpopular.

The young bride, married to this unsympathetic nephew of the great Napoleon, probably had few illusions as to the sum of happiness that awaited her in her new home. There are still some old men living who remember her when she took possession of the Palais Royal, Prince Napoleon's Paris house.: a slight, pale girl, with fluffy, fair hair and bright eyes, not pretty but singularly attractive. Her high breeding stood her in good stead in the somewhat parvenu atmosphere of the Court of the Tuileries, she had a royal dignity all her own, and her simplicity of heart was combined with much quiet firmness. From the first she ordered her life according to the principles in which she had been educated. An early riser, even at the Palais Royal, she gave much time to prayer and to works of mercy, but her piety, says M. Emile Ollivier, a former minister of Napoleon II, “never made her tiresome or intolerant. She believed that the most useful sermon was the practice of the virtues that are taught by faith.” Her husband, although so widely apart from her, acknowledged her goodness. “Clotilde is a saint,” he sometimes said ; “if there were many like her, I believe I myself should end by becoming devout.”

When the disastrous war of 1870 brought terror and shame upon France, the Princess was in Paris. During that fatal month of August every day came news of a fresh defeat, and the revolution that was to break out on the 4th of September was already distinctly perceptible; the infuriated and terrified people made the imperial government responsible for the reverses that so keenly wounded their patriotic pride.

Princess Clotilde was alone at the Palais Royal ; her husband was with the army, her three children she sent to Switzerland, where Prince Napoleon had an estate; but she steadily refused to leave Paris while the Empress Eugénie remained at the Tuileries. There was not much personal sympathy between the two; it was Princess Clotilde's feeling of loyalty that chained her to the post danger as long as there was a semblance of imperial government in Paris.

In vain her husband wrote imperious messages bidding her join her children at Prangins; in vain her father sent the Marquis Spinela to Paris to escort her ; the Princess so yielding in everyday life, was unbending in her decision to remain at the palace as long as the lonely woman at the Tuileries was the nominal ruler of France ; she had shared the splendors of the Empire, and it went against her noble spirit to desert the Empress.

The letter this young woman, a stranger in a strange land, wrote to her father on August 25, 1870, has been quoted by the French papers. It is a right royal letter worthy of the daughter of kings:

“I am a French woman,” she says. “I cannot desert my country. When I married although so young, I knew what I was doing and if I did it, it was because I wished to do so. The interest of my husband, of my children and of my country require that I should remain here. The honor of my name, your honor, my dear father, and that of my country also demand it. Nothing will make me fail in what I believe to be my duty to the end... You know that the house of Savoy and fear have never gone together, and you would not wish that they should meet in my person.”

At last, when the Empress was driven from her palace by the mob, the Princess considered that she was free to follow, but how different was the departure of the two women!

The brilliant and beautiful sovereign, closely disguised, was only able to leave Paris owing to the assistance of her American dentist, Dr. Evans; her young cousin made her exit as a princess. In an open carriage, accompanied by her lady in waiting, she drove to the railway station in broad daylight. The excited people, awed by her courage and dignity, saluted her as she passed out of their sight, a truly royal and saintly figure.

Princess Clotilde lived for some years at Prangins, near Geneva, where she devoted herself to the education of her three children; then, when her husband was allowed to return to France, the difficulties of her married life were such that by mutual consent she retired to the Castle of Moncalieri, near Turin, with her young daughter. Here, in the home of her childhood, she spent nearly forty years. They were years of peace, largely marked by sorrow. Four times only did she emerge from her retreat, once in January 1878, when she heard that her father lay dangerously ill in Rome. She had suffered cruelly from the spoliation of the Holy See by the house of Savoy, and the remembrance of her father's part in the matter prompted her to fly to his bedside. On the way she heard that he was dead, and she sadly returned to Moncalieri. In 1891, she again started for Rome, this time to visit her husband, who lay dying at the Hotel de Russie. Those who saw the Princess during those solemn days can never forget her sweetness, earnestness and gentle patience. What passed between her and Prince Napoleon none can tell, but Cardinal Mermillod a frequent visitor to the sick room, professed himself satisfied, after two private interviews, that the dying man was fully conscious. The Princess, whose married life, it is well known, had been a via crucis, remained near him to the end, praying incessantly for the soul that probably owes its salvation to her intercession. Again in 1903 and in 1904, she left Moncalieri to visit her sister-in-law, Princess Mathilde Bonaparte, whose deathbed she attended.

Her life, as it neared the end became more and more that of a recluse. Her sons lived their own lives in Brussels and in Russia; her daughter, having married a Prince of Savoy, was near to her, and their visits, occasionally brought an element of joy into the silent castle. Last autumn, Prince Victor Napoleon's marriage to the Princess Clémentine of Belgium gladdened his mother's heart. It was celebrated at Moncalieri, and to those who attended the ceremony the most striking figure present was the slight, gray-haired lady, plainly dressed in black, whose eyes had the far-away look of those who are nearing the eternal shore. Even in the days of her youth Princess Clotilde's spirituality struck M. Emile Ollivier. It gave her, he says a singular insight into all questions that touch on right and wrong; she possessed the gifts of the true mystics, “who judge human affairs with a clearness and rectitude born of detachment.” Her chief link with the outer world during the long, silent years of old age was her love for the poor, to whom she gave royally, with a loving kindness that made her gifts more precious. Their grief was great when they heard of her death, and their prayers will follow her remains to the royal mausoleum of La Superga, near Turin, where the daughter of the Sardinian Kings sleeps with her ancestors.

America. United States, America Press, 1911.

[ineloqueent]

my wife

John Deacon x Fem!Reader

synopsis: John loves his wife. but the press doesn’t, so he’s forced to pretend he barely even knows her.

warnings: swearing, drinking, steaminess (not 18+), attempted assault (not quite, but there’s a slimy bastard involved in this)

word count: 3k

see the moodboard here!

⭒

1984

To you, John was your husband. But to everyone else, he was not yours at all.

Of course, Freddie and Roger and Brian and Gerry knew— hell, any roadie or tech with half a brain knew— but under no circumstances were you to disclose this information to anyone outside of the Queen circle, lest the news of your matrimony should reach the ever-hungry press.

It was bad publicity, in the music world, to be married, because the label feared that a certain demographic of fans would be lost when the boys were no longer available for romantic entanglement. As Brian had always been with Chrissie, and both Roger and Freddie seemed never to stay tied down, John was more or less obligated to follow suit with the two latter.

It wasn’t an easy charade, though. Especially when you’d been invited to the same label function as John.

The first time you’d encountered John in public and had been forced to pretend not to know him was really quite funny.

As one of Britain’s top directors, you’d been hired to direct the music video for “It’s A Hard Life,” and your assistant had maintained that your latest project should be a surprise to you, up until the second you arrived to meet everyone on set.

She’d thought you’d be delighted to be shooting for none other than her majesty, Queen, and as it happened, she was right. But little did she know that you were married to one of the boys, and that the other three were as good as part of your family.

Still. It hurt to be in such proximity to your husband, and having to pretend not to be utterly, utterly in love with him. Thus, you had avoided John as much as possible.

Out of the four, Brian had been the most adept at pretending not to know you, which would have said something about his character, had it not been for the fact that he was this inherently polite to everyone he knew. Freddie simply pretended that the two of you were fast friends, and so with him, you were able to keep your usual dynamic. Roger, the cheeky bastard, decided to play up his flirtatious side, and whenever you caught his eye, he’d wink or stick his tongue out at you. After a particularly successful take, he’d walked straight up to you and planted a fat kiss on your cheek.

You hadn’t minded, because it was Roger and you knew he would’ve stopped if you’d asked him to, but John had glowered in the background. You’d been sure that he was going to pull Roger aside at any moment and throw the first punch.

But instead, John settled for waiting until you and he arrived home in each your car, and as soon as you were indoors, he pushed you against the kitchen wall and kissed you dizzy. You barely made it to the bedroom before your clothes were on the floor.

The shoot for the music video had lasted for a few weeks, and the game of pretending not to be John’s wife grew dull. John and Roger in particular were in disagreement with Freddie’s stylistic choices for the video, and you teased John relentlessly about his costume during the hours you were on set, until Gerry gave you a warning look and you backed off; the press were frequently attempting to infiltrate the sets of Queen projects, and you were not safe flirting with your husband so obviously.

And now you had been invited to the album release party for The Works, and were dreading the evening immensely.

Presently, fixing John’s collar before the two of you headed out the door, all was well. You could pretend that tonight, just like any other doting wife, you would be in proud attendance of your husband’s celebration, beaming with pride for what he and his bandmates had accomplished, your heart brimming with happiness because you’d played an integral part in this project in particular.

You were good at pretending. But you wished it wasn’t necessary.

You had finished with John’s collar a while ago, but you still had yet to move. Running your fingers over the soft fabric of his shirt, you relished the warmth which radiated from his chest, the soft aroma of soap and sandalwood which permeated the air around him.

Silently, he slid his fingers into your hair and combed his gentle touch along your scalp. With a sigh, you stepped closer, wrapping your arms around his middle. His other hand came to rest on the small of your back, and you laid your head on his chest as he kissed your hair.

A few precious moments longer you stayed enveloped in each other’s arms, before John murmured,

“We have to go, beautiful.”

You nodded, your cheek still resting against his chest.

“Go,” he repeated, and made so as to move away from you. But you wouldn’t let him. “Go, love, do you know what that means?” There was amusement in his voice now, and he laughed as you refused to budge at his attempts to detangle himself.

You only relented when he peppered your face in kisses, his touch light and tingling, making you giggle because his hair kept tickling your skin.

“Alright, alright,” you laughed, pushing him back from you, “we’ll go. If only to get this over with.”

Albeit reluctantly, you turned and collected your high heels from their place by the door, your trainers padding quietly along the hallway rug— you had to drive to the venue, and refused to do so in platforms.

“Wait,” John’s fingers brushed your wrist. You stopped, and spared him a wistful gaze, wishing more than anything that the two of you could just behave as a normal married couple. He lifted your wrist to his lips and kissed the underside of it. “I love you.” His words hummed over your skin, his eyes never left yours.

“I love you too, John,” you sighed. “Now let’s go so we can come back.”

He took a deep breath and nodded, and followed you out the door, before you entered your separate cars.

He blew you a kiss as you shut the driver’s door, and you caught it behind the tinted window.

⭒

You arrived ten minutes after John, having taken the long way around, as planned.

The entrance to the party exuded opulence, with a velvety red carpet leading up to the door, while the door itself was hung with glass stars, which caught the city lights and magnified them as their own, and glinted in the incessant flash of cameras.

Having parked far from the venue in an effort to avoid press, and walked a significant distance in high heels, you looked upon the red carpet with relief, and even more so upon Tunbridge, the man appointed as Queen’s personal security for this album and its next tour.

Spotting you, Tunbridge waved you forward, and was quick to dispel the crowd of publicity which had bombarded you upon first sighting.

“Good?” he asked, as you crossed the threshold to the party, and beheld your surroundings.

“Good,” you affirmed with a nod. “Thanks for the help.”

“It’s my job,” he said with a friendly smile, before disappearing back into the flood of arriving guests and press.

Inside, you greeted familiar-looking crew members politely, and, after narrowly escaping a conversation with someone who wanted to gossip about the recent departure of Paul Prenter, happened upon Ratty and Freddie, the latter of whom supplied you with a glass of champagne.

“How are you tonight, darling?” said Freddie, taking a sip of his own drink. “You’re looking a bit lonely.”

It was Freddie-code for asking how you were holding up with yours and John’s charade.

But Brian appeared at your side, and spared you from answering with the same unhappy look you always did.

“As lonely as cold and quiet space with shining stars,” he quoted, and Freddie rolled his eyes.

“Do you ever shut up, Brian?”

“Just because you don’t read,” Brian muttered. He turned to you. “Holding up?” he asked the more direct question.

“No,” you muttered, as Chrissie too arrived on the scene. You smiled at her tightly, because her presence only amplified your awareness of John’s absence. Not that he was absent, though; you could see him talking to Roger in your peripheral vision.

Your heart ached.

Just then, someone cleared their throat behind you.

You spun to find a high-cheekboned man dressed in a crisp-looking suit holding his hand out to you.

“Jackaby Goddard,” said the man.

“Never heard of him,” you responded dryly, repulsed by the self-assurity with which he presented himself.

“Ah, you’re a little comedian, aren’t you?”

You chose not to respond to his remark.

“Would you spare me an interview, Miss L/N? The readers of NME would love to know more about your involvement in the music video for the new Queen record.”

You narrowed your eyes, and felt Freddie and the others watching you closely.

The journalist himself was distasteful, but as a director, publicity was hard to come by, and thus, any publicity was good publicity.

“Sure,” you said, shoving your preconceived opinion of Goddard to the back of your mind, so as to prepare yourself for the interview you’d just agreed to.

“Excellent!” said Goddard, already pulling out pen and paper. “Somewhere a bit quieter, maybe?” He looked at the others expectantly, as though expecting someone to answer him.

Freddie cleverly looked away, and Brian folded his arms. Chrissie squared her shoulders alongside her husband.

“Right…” Goddard mumbled, and peered about the room of his own accord. “Over there, then,” he indicated a table and pair of chairs off to the far side of the room.

“Yeah, no problem.”

You raised your glass to your friends prior to your departure.

But Freddie called you back. “Y/N,” he said, and beckoned. You approached him with raised eyebrows. “Wouldn’t trust that man with state secrets, if you know what I mean.”

“I’ll be careful,” you assured Freddie, and he nodded his approval.

You followed after Goddard, after narrowly avoiding photobombing a woman you thought must have been Debbie Harry.

“Here we are,” said Goddard, pulling out a chair for you.

You thanked him and took a seat.

He sat down across from you and flipped open his notepad. “So,” he began in a low rumble, pressing a button on the recorder in his hand, “what was it like working with Queen?”

You thought a moment, swirling the champagne which still remained in your glass. “Oh, very surreal,” you responded. “All four of them are perfectionists, and wonderful musicians, and you hear so much about them in the news that it’s hard to not view them as sort of royalty—” you laughed “— and treat them as such when you first meet them. But they’re thoroughly decent people, as much as they are perfectionists and wonderful musicians, so the shoot was a lot of fun.”

“Uh-huh. And you’ve never worked with the band before?”

“No,” you said, “but I’d love to work with them again.”

Goddard scribbled something on his notepad, then glanced up again. The man had a strange look about him, with a squint and a crooked nose, and a high brow and cheekbones. It was hard to tell his age, but you thought he must be about ten or so years your senior.

“But it’s very unusual for a woman to be a director, isn’t it?” he went on.

You narrowed your eyes at his tone.

“And certainly strange for one so attractive to be sitting behind the camera, instead of in front of it. Don’t you think?”

His smile unsettled you. It was greasy, like his forehead.

You sipped your drink. “No, I don’t think so. I understand there aren’t many of us, but I hope that my involvement with Queen will inspire more women to consider the field of work. It’s a certain form of artistry, to direct.”

“I’m sure,” Goddard said patronisingly, and his eyes raked over you.

You shifted in your seat, beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable. Your dress shimmered and was backless, and a fine slit ran up one side, reaching your thigh. It was a lovely dress, and you did not regret wearing it, but you regretted agreeing to this interview.

Surreptitiously, you threw a glance over your shoulder. But you could no longer see the others.

Just get it done, you thought, and returned your attention to the journalist.

Goddard licked his froglike lips. “What if I told you I could get you an ever better gig?”

You settled for ignoring his body language. “What?” you snorted. “A better gig than Queen? I’m not sure that’s possible.”

“I dunno,” Goddard shrugged. “Rumour has it Pink Floyd are looking for a director.”

“Are they?” you said, not really caring for the answer. You were perfectly capable of arranging your own business.

“Yeah. And I’m sure they’d love you.”

When had he moved his chair to your side of the table? You hadn’t noticed.

“Well, I’ll have to give them a call, then.”

“Or,” cold fingers met with the inside of your thigh, “you could do me a little favour, and I’ll call them for you.”

You stood, and shoved Goddard away. He staggered. “Get the hell off me,” you spat, having had enough of this bastard. “I won’t be finishing this interview, and if you print any of our conversation at all, I’ll be taking legal action.”

But he didn’t seem to get the message, and grasped your wrist.

You tried to shake your hand free, but Goddard was stronger than he looked.

“Let. Go.”

“No,” he hissed, and took a step toward you. You threw out your foot to catch him in the groin, but he dodged. “You listen to me, you little whore—”

Your heart beat in a wild panic, but Goddard was suddenly thrown backward, his tie pulled taut at his throat so that his face turned quite purple.

“Get your fucking hands off of my wife.”

John stood seething before you, with one hand at the scruff of Goddard’s neck, the other fisting his tie, and he looked ready to murder the fellow on the spot.

Goddard coughed, croaked, “Your what?”

Tightening his grip, John glared. “My wife, you absolute bastard.”

Heads had begun to turn, and sweat prickled on the back of your neck.

This would be your ruin. You and John both.

“Your wife?” Goddard had the audacity to laugh. A foolish mistake, given his current position. John threw the journalist to the ground, but kept ahold of his tie.

“Yes, my wife. She’s my wife, and I don’t care what that makes me.” John met your eyes with an apologetic look. “A liar, and a coward? Probably. In trouble with EMI? Also probably. But she’s my wife, so I should start behaving like a husband.” He turned back to Goddard, who lay sputtering on the ground. “With my first order of business being getting you fired from NME. They won’t be well pleased when Queen threaten never to give your magazine another interview, so you’ll be out of a job by the end of the month. And now,” John took a shuddering breath, trembling with rage, “get out of this place, or I’ll have you escorted out.”

He released Goddard’s tie, and promptly crushed the audio recorder beneath the heel of his shoe. Then he stared down the journalist, until the man scrambled to his feet, and out the nearest door.

People were staring openly now, and whispering over their glasses of alcohol.

But John didn’t seem to notice anyone but you. He rushed over, and took your hands loosely in his, so that you could have pulled away if you had wanted to. But you didn’t want to; you loved this man.

“Are you alright?” John murmured, lifting a hand to brush your hair from your eyes.

“Fine,” you said honestly. “A little shaken, but fine.”

He canted his head slightly, watching your eyes closely. You stared into stormy blue-grey as your husband asked you, “Are you sure?”

You had nothing to hide, and nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay.” He took your hand properly, and turned toward the door. “Then let’s go home.”

“Home—” you started to ask, but then a more pressing question challenged you. “John—”

You stood your ground, and he turned when he felt your inertia.

“What does this mean for us?” you said. “We’ve just broken a legal agreement.” You lowered your voice to a whisper. “With EMI. They’ll be angry.”

John shrugged, and replied recklessly, “Let them be angry. I don’t care.”

There was something thrilling about that recklessness, about John being reckless.

It was like being teenagers in love, without a care in the world for anything but one other.

Come hell or high water.

You let him lead you from the room, and you could not keep from smiling as he held your hand proudly, as you had always wanted him to.

“Deacy darling!” cried Freddie. “Where are you going?! The party’s only just begun!”

John didn’t stop walking. “I’m going home,” he said. “With my wife.”

Jaws dropped around you, and silence ensued, but John didn’t react.

“Well, good fucking congratulations to you!” Freddie shouted, laughing. “Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Deacon.”

The whispers turned to talk following Freddie’s announcement, but John kept walking.

As soon as the two of you were outside and shrouded in shadows once more, you pulled him to a halt.

“John.”

“Mmyes, dear?”

You didn’t answer, just dragged him to you and kissed him soundly, easing your fingers through his hair as his lips grew slack beneath your own. He groaned lowly, drawing you closer and biting at your lower lip as his arms wound around your frame, his hands running down your sides and settling amorously on your hips. Your heart soared at the fact that neither of you had looked over your shoulder before sinking into the embrace of the other, and you lost yourself in him, in his touch.

You would have drowned had he not anchored you, with the words he pulled back from you to whisper.

“My wife,” he said, and kissed tenderly beneath your ear.

You smiled, and wondered if in fact it was possible for one’s heart to burst with happiness.

But in the arms of John, with no pretense left to maintain, you would happily have died.

[tcm]

A Conversation with Patty McCormack on Growing Up on Screen By Kim Luperi

Not many child stars go on to enjoy long, successful careers in show business – and fewer still have earned a prestigious Academy Award nomination before they turned 18. Patty McCormack has achieved both. The actress, who made her first film appearance in 1951 and went on to star in THE BAD SEED (’56, for which she received an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress as the murderous Rhoda at age 11); THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN (’60) and THE YOUNG RUNAWAYS (’68), continues to work in Hollywood and shows no indication of slowing down.

I had the pleasure of speaking with McCormack recently about some of these titles and more, including the delightful film KATHY O’ ('58) in which she plays a famous child star – an apt springboard for a discussion about growing up on screen and transitioning into more mature roles over her incredibly long, accomplished career.   

(This interview has been edited for length and clarity.)

I was watching KATHY O’ last night, and I really enjoyed it. In that movie they talk about your blonde pigtail braids as a trademark, and I realized it kind of was; you had that hairstyle in THE BAD SEED and ALL MINE TO GIVE (’57), too. Do you know how that style came about, or was it something you did that caught on?

Patty McCormack: It seems to be! I believe I even had them early on in Mama, which was an old live TV show that was a weekly event. I don't know how that [trademark] happened. I think it just happened because of THE BAD SEED – I think it was the hairdo that I went in with or they just decided on. When you see the original artwork on William March’s book, there’s a very long face drawing of Rhoda, his Rhoda, and there were braids in it. I don't know if they were looped or what, but that could have been it – or I honestly don't remember if it was chosen by my mom because it was easy, but it stuck!

I loved KATHY O’ because I got to live the dream. I loved the notion of them cutting my hair off – except it was a wig that they cut. After a while it felt like I didn't want to look like an older person with braids – you have to get rid of them eventually. As soon as I could, I wanted hair that was like, in that era, a page boy or something like that, where it landed on your shoulder. But I carried that long hair for a long time. And then you know how you revert back to certain hairdos years later? 

They come back in style.

PM: Yes, they come back, but now I have shortish hair, and I'm growing it one length. So I got over the braids – just in the nick of time!

Circling back to Rhoda, you originated the role on Broadway before the film version, so you obviously had a lot of practice and familiarity with the part before you took it to the screen. Since she's such a chilling character, how did you get into that mindset at age nine, especially when you had to play the part multiple times a week?

PM: I always go back to the source, and the source was the director, Reginald Denham. He was so good with directing me. He made it fun, because I learned when I'd get an audience reaction on a face I’d make or something, I'd look forward to doing that again – you know, that kind of joy.

He made it so clear and simple, and his point of view was that Rhoda was always right. I know I've said this before, but it's the truth. No matter what anybody says, Rhoda is correct, and anything she wants, she feels entitled to – not using that word ‘entitled’ – but I really wasn't thinking of myself as a bad person, or especially not a murderer. I just thought it was their fault, which is classic, I guess. I had to kill him [the little boy] because he was so mean. So I think that was how I learned to be that character. I was aware of the murders – people were dead because of me, that I knew – but somehow it wasn't disturbing to my mind. If you take a look at it knowing that, you see it. I'm not coming from some sort of evil place, I don't think.

You were nominated for an Oscar for THE BAD SEED, which is amazing; it's a true testament to your talents, of course, but it’s also such a big accolade to have at such a young age. Do you remember there being any pressure on you for your next role?

PM: Well, the role was so odd for a kid to be so noticed, in that era anyway. I can't think of any jobs I didn't get after that that somebody else got, you know? What happened, though, was that each year I grew, and so I just experienced the typical kid actor dilemma which is going from category to category and establishing yourself in that category and learning how to be in that category. I did do something on Playhouse 90 – I did a few PLAYHOUSE 90s back then – and I did a lot of television –

You played Helen Keller [in the original 1957 Playhouse 90 teleplay “The Miracle Worker”].

PM: That's what I was going to say! That was after THE BAD SEED. But mostly, as far as movies went, there was KATHY O’ and a few here and there and at different levels of development. I was always aware that it had been a while since I worked, that I felt, but I didn't think business, like “What will I follow up that with?” I didn't have that kind of mentality, and I really don't think my mother did either, so it just sort of went the way it went.

As you mentioned too, you were still growing up. So, you’re a child, then a teenager, then young adult. You probably wouldn’t be thinking about the business part of it. 

PM: No, it's so strange. It's not an easy transition, and as you know famous people go through really hard things. You don't get to sit and relax in a certain mode for too long because before you know it you're in the next one. And then you go through your ‘ugly period’ in front of everybody, which is horrible.

The movie that you mentioned TCM is going to air, THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN, when I see the headshots from that I just think, “Aw, I looked uncomfortable!” I could see it even in my body. I felt like I was at the awkward time – you know, part of me was getting bigger, developing – and that hairdo they gave me didn't help; it was still the braids but wrapped up.

I want to ask you about that transition. Did you find anything difficult or surprising about navigating Hollywood and growing up on screen? 

PM: The most difficult part, honestly, as a person growing up – I think at the time I always say Sandra Dee was the person we all looked to. She was just so beautiful, and no one else looked like that – maybe Carol Lynley a little bit – but the bar was set very high. With that, you’re insecure anyways because you’re at that age, and more than anything you don't want to be different. I think that's true for a lot of kids. So the maturing, that part of development, was difficult when I look back. You don't have the confidence that you had as a little kid when you don't think about anything. You become all self-conscious about how you look, if you're thin enough, if you’re pretty enough, if your hair looks nice. It's a little bit of an adjustment to get through all that and go back to what you like to do, which is to pretend, and take the focus off what you look like or who you look like or any of that stuff. I don't know if other kid actors had the same experience, but usually people grow out of a look that made them known – most of us anyway, not all of us. 

I know when you left Hollywood you went back to Brooklyn and finished high school there. What was that experience like for you?

PM: Well, I took my real name back, and I was going to the high school that my mother and older sister went to, so I was really excited. This is going to sound so weird, but it was almost like playing a part – I was playing the part of a high school student. My real name is Russo, so I was Patty Russo. The experience was really kind of shocking, because I think they expected me to be very conceited, and so I had to hide in the cafeteria in the early days, because it was Brooklyn and they were pretty tough – they were on me! But I made a best friend who helped me navigate through it, and it turned into a nice experience finally. I was glad to have had that.

Then I came back out here [Los Angeles], and I stayed with a friend of my mother's family for a while. I wound up leaving Utrecht [her Brooklyn high school] – it’s a long story – but I did a soap opera in between while I was going to Utrecht, and that was kind of tricky because they weren't flexible like California was. In California they were used to kid actors, and in New York at that time, they really weren't. Then when I came out here, I went back to finish high school at Hollywood Professional and got my diploma that way. But I'm so glad I got to go back to Brooklyn. I'm pleased about that.

It sounds like you had a pretty grounded childhood, especially in attending a regular high school. Do you think that helped how you adjusted when you returned to the film industry?

PM: It was a little bit too grounded, I think! I came from a really good family. I never thought that I was a big deal, and they [her mom and dad] made sure of that. So, coming back to the industry after, I really didn't know the ropes. People handled all that before – the only thing I knew was what I did, and so some things maybe didn't get handled so well, but I learned on my feet when I came back out here. Then I married my childhood boyfriend and we had our children, and I kept working.

Yes, you’ve worked steadily since then.

PM: I did work a lot! It’s true. Nothing on the level of nominations, but I was a journeyman, I like to say.

You've spent six decades in the industry, which is really astounding, especially since you started as a child. I read an interview from 1974 that featured a humorous quote from you that I’d like to share. You said that you lamented that you never got the guy in movies and just once you wanted to “kiss the guys instead of kill them.”

PM: That is funny!

But throughout your career, you played Helen Keller, you played a career woman in THE BEST OF EVERYTHING (’70), you played Pat Nixon more recently in FROST/NIXON (’08), so you've had a lot of experience with different characters. Was there any genre or any type of character that you wish you could explore further?

PM: Well, I'll tell you the truth, it's actually seven decades from when I started, although if you want to make me younger, I don't mind! At this point in time, I'm so grateful when I work, because there could be nothing now, you know? I do enjoy what comes along. The only thing I never got to do, which I would have loved, was to have been in a habit – I would have loved to have played a nun in a habit.

That’s interesting.

PM: Isn’t it? It’s the Catholic school thing.

We’ll have to find you a role like that!

PM: I know, wouldn't that be fun? And it would be a nice way, in your later years, to go from a killer to a nun, you know? I think it would be a good idea.

Going in the right direction!

PM: Yes! But anyways, little things change here and there, and I sometimes do voiceovers, and I did something recently that I had never done, which was so much fun. Did you notice on Netflix a show called ARSENE LUPIN [working title for LUPIN]?

I haven’t heard of it, but I know there’s an old movie with the same name.

PM: Yes, this is a remake. It's in French, and I dubbed a French woman into English, and it was so much fun to do, to have someone else's face up there. I know some people watch foreign movies and they say, “Oh it's so unfair to dub the other actors,” and I probably wouldn't love it if somebody dubbed me either, but I had such a ball doing it. So, if you catch that show, you'll see somewhere in there I'm speaking English for a French woman.  

I wanted to talk about two of your more recent roles. I know you starred in MOMMY in the 1990s, kind of a grown-up Rhoda, and you played a psychiatrist in the Lifetime remake of THE BAD SEED in 2018. This story has been filmed a few times; what do you think resonates with people, and how did it feel going back to that character and story but from different perspectives?

PM: Right. Well, to be honest, the Rob Lowe production [for Lifetime] was really a totally different story. There was no mom – he was the mom character – so the writing was really different.

There were two MOMMY movies: MOMMY (’95) and MOMMY’S DAY (’97). Those were written by a writer who lives in Muscatine, Iowa: Max Allan Collins. This is a long time ago now, but it was fun to grow her up, you know, physically. I talked to you about how that is the strange thing about transitioning, and it was so enjoyable to do that. It really was a journey for me internally.

There was also something about shaking hands with that, because in my day, it was never a good thing to have something so long ago be talked about all the time. I got that impression by other people's opinions, not my own, and as time went on, the world changed and people started knowing actors’ work from 20 years ago. So, the appreciation for that old work came back, and I learned to feel good about it through other people's feelings about it. I do have such a different perspective on it now, and it's a character that was so special. That really changed my ability as to how I could hold it [the role].

It’s nice to be able to do that.

PM: Yes, it is. 

I have one more question for you. I know we’re in a pandemic and many productions are halted, but do you have any upcoming appearances that I can share with fans to look out for? 

PM: Aw, I wish! It's funny, I did some Hallmark Christmas movies. Well, I did one, and then last year I was supposed to do another one, and they cut our parts because of COVID. So, I'm rooting for [the next one], and I have a good feeling, you know, when we have our vaccinations. Also, a downside was that they shoot in Canada, and they have to bring you up there, and at that time you had to stay in 14 days.

A lot of rules!

PM: Yes, a lot of rules. So hopefully there will be a new one. I can't honestly say, but there's no reason there shouldn't be!

My dad loves the Hallmark Christmas movies, and I watch a lot of them because of him, so I'll be rooting for you and looking out for you!

PM: I know, there's so many. People have blankets and all these things! There are real hard-core fans – it's amazing.

[aliaslua]

Right to live

Chapter 02 of my on going series: In broad daylight

Chapter summary: Michelangelo has a productive therapy session after his interview. April and Casey announce their wedding and in a jealousy crisis, Donatello has his first one-night-stand. Warning: This chapter contain light smut (mature, not explicit) if you're a minor please DON'T INTERACT. TW: Trauma mention (nothing too graphic or descriptive, but it does contain a short account of a panic attack).

Michelangelo started therapy after his first panic attack.

It was - maybe - the worst night of his life. At that point in time he didn’t even knew what a trigger was - and even if he did, he wouldn’t be able to identify or anticipate his reaction. If felt like he was dying in a literal, visceral sense. It was like having a bomb growing inside his shell, the beating counting down to a heart attack, he felt his lips cold, his head heavy and the touch of Donatello’s hand in his shoulders felt cold against his skin for the first time in his life. He could still remembers his brothers calling to him and his inhuman effort to look them in the eyes, just as he gazed into the house he grew up in and didn’t recognize the color of the new floor tiles.

The rest was a blur.

Dr. Miller was April’s last effort to persuade Leo and Raph that Mikey needed professional counseling. At this point, Mikey didn't have enough will to have a strong opinion on his treatment, he didn't have the will to do anything, really. All his days were spent sleeping by day and having terrible night anxiety, followed by an earth-shattering cry until morning, when he went back to sleep.  Despite their best effort to care for and protect the younger sibling, all of his brothers knew that he had become impossible to handle - and more important than that, his emotional and physical dependency got so intense that it was perfectly clear that there was nothing they could do: Michelangelo need help, professional help.

On the first day they entered Dr. Miller’s office, April had reassured everybody she had send the therapist recent photos of Mikey and explained all his possible triggers in detail. The clinic would open two hours early so that they could have privacy and that this first encounter would include Mikey, his brothers and Sara Miller only.

Mikey was so nervous he felt like this situation alone would end up triggering his next attack: his hands were sweaty, his chest heavy and the feeling in his stomach made him realize that maybe he would throw up all those recent pizza slices. When the door to her office opened, he felt an immediate relief upon looking at her.

Sara (as he would start calling her later) was a 67 years old black woman, wearing a knitted cardigan and a puffy ponytail. She looked at him with eyes free from any king of judgment: any kind of feeling at all, actually, it was very… neutral. After gazing at him and his brothers she had smiled lightly and then calmly said:

"Good morning. I am Dr. Miller. Are you Michelangelo?" Mikey just nodded " Welcome. Please, come in.”

So he did, on that Monday morning and all the next yet to come, for two years straight.

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

“Did you see the interview?” Mikey asked just as he entered her office, not even worrying about greeting Sara.

“Yes I did.” She answered with the same peaceful deep voice, unbothered by the absence of a greet “You looked very handsome.”

“I sure did!” The mutant turtle seated at the large red sofa, his body melting in the comfortable cushions, he grabbed one of the small pillows behind him and held it tight against his chest “Ugh! It was so fun!”

Sara smiled. She always gave him a kind of smile that made Mikey feel like she was the perfect embodiment of a fairytale grandma and for the first time, Michelangelo actually considered she might actually be someone else’s grandmother.

“I am glad to hear that. Did you do the exercises he practiced?”

Mikey hummed “It helped. But what really made all difference was that Leo was there. And April. Oh, April is getting married!” He announced “She and Casey told us about the engagement just after we all saw the interview air. It was a great night.” He stopped for a minute and laid his head against the couch, focusing on the abstract painting that always caught his attention since the first day he sat there, he knew his voice let out a sadness he was trying to hide. He didn’t need to pretend there.

“It was… Weird, I guess… Like, I should be happy for them, right? Casey is a nice man, he treats her right, they already have a life together, an apartment with a huge TV and an aquarium… I can’t argue with that, right? Right?” Sara didn’t answer, Michelangelo laid his head completely on the couch, staring at the sealing “She was my first love…. Or something like it. I feel so attached to her and…” He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, trying to measure all the feelings filling his chest “...I think I… Should I feel happy for her? Because I felt… Huh, I felt betrayed.”

“Do you feel resentment?” Dr. Miller finally asked, gazing calmly at him.

“Yeah, I guess… I didn’t know what I expected... and I don’t want to marry April. Not anymore, I mean. She is like a sister to me. No! It’s more than that… She’s like… I- It just.. it was all so fast! Everything is so fast right now, and she decided to announce just as the interview ended and I felt so… I felt so overshadowed!”

“You felt it was your night.”

“It WAS my night. And I don’t mean to sound selfish, you know? I just… Wished they had waited.”

Sara looked at her patient making a conscious effort to avoid giving away her own feelings, the enormous man in front her had a gloomy expression and tired eyes.

“Mikey, is not the first time you mention feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

“ Overshadowed .” She quoted him.

“Yeah… I guess it's something I’ve been feeling for a while.”

“You mentioned once that you felt… Smushed, is the word you used.”

“Yeah. Smushed between my brothers.”

“Hmm” Sara nodded “What about that?”

“Well, you know about that… They are all special in their own way. Leo is the leader, Raph is the muscle, Donnie is the genius, I am the… Comic relief?”

“You sound like you are all characters of a cartoon.”

“We look like it!” Mikey said, humorous. Sara did her best  to contain a tiny smile that formed in her cheeks.

“Well, you are your own person, Mikey. You don’t have to fulfill an imaginary role you fantasized for yourself.”

“Yeah I feel like you’re always telling me that.” He sighed “What this has to do with April?”

“You were telling me about her engagement…”

“Yeah. It was crazy… I mean, me, Leo and Raph kept it together but Donnie just… Bolted.” A nervous laugh escaped him “She told the news and he just… Left. I guess it was too much for him. You know, April was the only person we knew for so long… It was only natural to fall for her, right? She’s so nice, kind, and after the expected first meeting shock she treated us with… Dignity is the world Master Splinter likes to use... But then we all grew out of it.”

A long silence followed before he complemented:

“I guess Donnie didn’t”

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

Donatello felt his feet too tight against the leather shoe and considered for the third time on that evening that maybe this was a terrible idea.

Ignoring his own better judgement, he knocked.

Alicia Ellis awakened in him two utterly contradictory and madding feelings: disgust and lust.

Many times he had tried - and succeeded- at disguising the amount of attention he paid to her body, especially since the context they first met didn’t allowed for flirtatious endeavors and despite knowing his physical body was searching it’s hormonal peak, Donatello proud himself on being utterly respectful: an effort that he felt he was making alone. Ellis never even tried to hide her indiscreet wants, playing with their encounters just enough to not be considered harassment, but clear enough to not allow ambiguity. Was that even possible? Donnie asked himself. Did it even matter now?

He felt disgusted mostly towards himself, actually, knowing full well why he had come to her apartment after that eventful night, just as the women he thought he could win over announced her engagement to the man he honestly felt he could one day surpass - pathetic, he beat himself again, cringing at the mere fact he once imagined a possible future for them, together. What a pathetic, emotional, delusional monster you are, dreaming about the pretty girl that once held your hand… And now you surrender to your most selfish desire, luring this woman who will be stupid enough to let you in.

This is going to ruin you. Was the last thing he thought before she opened the door.

She was astonishingly beautiful, with her thick luxurious wavy hair and round plump figure, pressed against a tight outfit he didn’t have enough interest to notice in detail.

“Took you long enough.” She said in a malicious tone, grabbing him by his belt. The apartment was warm, had a delicious floral smell and it was lit in subtle yellow light that mimicked candles. It was sexy, inviting and terribly scary, just like her.

This is going to ruin me . The feeling echoed towards Donnie as he willfully closed the door behind him.

It wasn’t hard for him to understand why a woman like her would take interest in being with a man like him, the internet had allowed Donnie to have a very indiscreet access to the human world - especially since people seemed really comfortable in sharing online things they wouldn’t even tell a best friend - and he knew way before they even came out to the surface that most probably wouldn’t be difficult to find someone willing to share a bed with him. Alicia was just a part of a very niche - yet not so small as one may think - group.

The thought brought him a small relief and a strike of courage that he much needed at that moment.

“I didn’t think you would come.” She said, bringing two glasses of a clear-yellow liquid. What an inappropriate move to bring a glass of white wine to a young adult not-yet-of-age , his better judgment told him as he accepted the glass, but wasn’t he 21 yet? Yes, he was... Maybe it was just judgment.

“Me neither” He answered after a sigh, too honest for his own sake.

“What changed your mind?” She mischievously asked, crossing her legs in an angle that brushed against his knee.

Donatello considered for a minute to said the truth, my heart was broken and honestly I really want to have sex, how would she respond to that? Was there a polite way of saying it? Instead, he said: “I’ve decided to change my approach on things.”

“Oh, really?” She smiled honestly “...And how’s that gonna happen?”

I will take every opportunity that life gives me, irrespective of its consequences, “I’ll stop sabotaging my wants…” He turned his body a little bit in her direction, he had planned a second sentence to follow but it seemed like he had already said all she needed to hear.

She slid her knee between his legs to climb his lap, brushing the space between the buttons of his shirt lightly. How quickly she hopped on top of him and how quickly his body responded to the feel of her warm perfumed breath against his neck. “That’s great to hear.”

It wasn’t Donatello’s first kiss but the tension of feeling the soft lips of a woman he barely knew nothing about added to the oh-so-suggestive friction of her thighs against  his zipper made it an entirely new experience. If he granted himself a moment of reason, Donnie would most likely find her too hurried and eager - but again, what was his experience in this field? Wasn’t this how the encounter should go? What else was he expecting? Independent of what his reason may have considered, the friction of her palms against the now prominent bulge in his pants added to the delicious sounds coming from her throat made every single indecision go away.

He felt his head light and dizzy as their tongues danced against each other and the urge to feel relief made him bold. She answered the squeeze he gave her bottom with an audible moan that gave Donatello’s stomach a cold wave of shock along with the first visible stain in between his paints. She felt the thickness of his fluid against the fabric and smiled against his lips.

“Such a passionate… response.” She said in what sounded like a performative tone - well, she was a journalist.

He took her incentive and slide her tube dress above her ass, stoking it as he lowered his lips to her neck. Her skin was soft and the way it reacted to his mouth - the small flinches of her body and the building pressure between his legs could only compare to the amazing feeling of her silk soft thigh skin. She used her hands to guide his head further down, lowering the piece of garment herself, he instinctively took one of her nipples in his mouth, enjoying the contrast between the soft skin of her breasts and the beaded texture of her nipples.

When Alicia laid her body against him on the couch, he followed her moves and felt the soft pillow against his head, the discreet but unmistakable sound of his zipper being opened followed by her stocked gasp at his member followed by “Oh I’m gonna have fun tonight!”. Donatello held her waist closer to his own, trying to reach her lips again, wondering if he could say the same. The warmth between her legs and the delicious feeling that jolted through his body and she aligned him to her entry - and the irresistible pleasure of feeling his tip tease her plump lips - made him think that the most likely answer was yes .

...And what an unnecessary concern the wine proved to be: he didn’t even get to drink it.

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

“...you know, Raph made a friend.” Mikey had stood on his feet and now looked through the squared window. He had a regular habit of standing up during the sessions, usually as they were reaching the middle of the appointment. Sara it wrote down anyway, before adding:

“Really?”

Mikey hummed “...It’s a complicated story - but he left to buy a bear, this old man didn’t want to sell it to him, so he got really angry, so someone threatened to call the police, so he started to freak out and then this… girl appeared!”  He was switching his body height between his legs “Clara. What a name! Heh- I don’t get to say that, huh? Well, her name was Clara and he said she looked like an anime version of a character from Fresh prince of bel air … Can you imagine?” He turned to look at her. Sara just nodded.

“Wanna hear some really crazy stuff? Raph told me that they were talking and she told him she saw my interview… and she said she was in love with me!” He offered his therapist an incredulous happy smile “ME! Can you believe it?”

Sara hummed and made another note.

“I know she was kidding, I don’t think she loves me. But saying it like this sounds like… Like I am a celebrity! Like she would like to know me… Like…”

“Like you have been seen.”

“HELL YEAH!” He exclaimed, sitting down on the couch again grabbing his trust-worthy pillow “... And that sucker didn’t even got her number…” A deep sigh followed silence. Very discreetly, Dr. Miller checked her watch.

“It doesn’t matter, really, it just made me realize… That I wished I had someone…”

More silence.

“-I know I already have someone, if that's what you’re gonna say… I know my brothers are my care net and that I have friends and confidants, and bla bla bla”.

“Well I wasn’t going to…” She said peacefully.

“ I want… A lover . Someone to be my special one. Someone to cherish and spoil and share my life with! Someone who can say they’re in love with me… For real.”

More deep silence.

“... And why don’t you?” She finally prompted. Michelangelo turned to look at her with a impatient expression:

“Are you kiddin’ me?”

“I am definitely not.”

“You can’t be that cynical!”

“I am not.”

“Sara…” He sighed uneasily “... not this again.” she heard pain in his words.

“You have the right to live, Mikey.” She gazed at him with the same kind eyes, letting her strong words get to him “...Just like anyone else.”

This time, that was an anxious silence. Michelangelo rubbed his hands together as if he was facing a cold storm “What if it happens again?”

“Then you will do what we practiced.” She waited for an answer that didn’t come “... Do you wanna remember it once again with me?”

He simply nodded.

“I am more…” She started.

“...than people perceive me.”

“I’ve the right…”

“...to occupy space.”

“No one…”

“No one can deny me my right to live.”

“That was great, Mikey.” Dr. Miller said kindly.

He squeezed the tears away from his eyes, not even realizing they were there. “...Yeah… Yeah, it was.”

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

It was certainly.... Memorable , Donatello thought, staring at his brand new shoes as they made the path back to the lair. How was it again that he found himself in that situation? That sad looking, empty feeling, walk-of-shame. Oh, yeah, Alicia Ellis.

Something felt terrible wrong about that whole endeavor. He tried to think about the details, to analyze the facts: it has been clearly consensual, sober, communicative sex. So why did he feel like some part of him had been left behind in that apartment? Was it his clear shyness when they finally consumed the act or her generous overlook at his even clearer lack of experience? Had him fail his mission? Factually not! He performed… Fine - it was hard to measure, but she seemed pleased enough. He was also pleased… Physically, at least.

So why did he feel so… Empty?

He walked among the streets of New York without the concern his older brother seemed to carry. Donatello was always really good at not carrying - just as he was good at carrying too much . Oh, yes, his overthinking nature was still going to kill him, no matter how hard he tried to pretend like it didn’t matter at all.

Nothing mattered, everything mattered. What a contradictory and childish state of mind. Could he ever find balance? Would he ever be able to take risks and still be prudent? To be disappointed and not lose all faith? To love deeply and move over from it, stronger and ready to love again? Did he ever truly love her ?

He remembered her ring shining against the light, mocking his defeat. A zirconium, Casey Jones…  Can’t even buy her a real diamond . He muttered to himself and the night, kicking a small rock in the path.

The worst part, the real strike of the devil - was the fact that she looked immensely happy. Heartbreakingly happy. And there was nothing, nothing in this world that Donnie could think that could justify taking this away from her - not even the fantasy that she could be happier.

He took a deep breath and grabbed the keys in his pocket. That was no way out of it: we would have to get over her. At least now he knew that running away to unknown women’s homes was not a viable solution.

[searching-in-silence]

Our story and thoughts about Jikook

Hi! I first of all love your channel!

I like to tell you my story and thoughts about Jikook. Sorry in advance if it’s too long! :-D

So since august 2020 I became an ARMY, I never heard of BTS nor K-pop before, I just saw the MV Dynamite and I loved it so much. What stood out for me was the dynamic of the boys. But what I also noticed in the MV saw something weird (to me), it was the look Jimin gave JJK before he jumped on his back, I was quite intrigued by this. Anyways I didn’t think of it much further and started looking at more MV’s of BTS and soon I only listened to BTS and watched their MV’s, interviews, old clips of them, RUN BTS,… every day,hours in a row. Jimin and JJK stood out for me but I didn’t think of them as possible boyfriends yet, I just thought Jimin was obviously gay and a cute flirty guy. I was not at all familiar with the term Shipping because it’s not something we do in our country with boysbands or actors, it doesn’t exist here. So me and my sister (she is 17, I’m 33 LOL) became ARMY at the same time in 2020. My sister was way more active on Insta, Twitter,… So it didn’t take long for her to discover shipping, soon she was a Taekook shipper, she said she shipped them because she loves these 2 guys most and because of their looks and their bond. I didn’t understand much of what she meant by this or why she would ‘ship’ them at all (like what is that and why?). Anyways Later on, around September/ October 2020 I noticed more signs of Jikook being something different: like 'arriving late at an interview, 'Jimin saying he was with JK at 4 am while minutes before JK told a different story, some RUN BTS moments that looked so intimate or gay to me. I don’t know, I had a strange but loving feeling with these two. And then BAM while watching some old video’s of BTS Rookie king, American Hustle,.. I got a recommendation for a Jikook video (first ever for me), I watched it and it felt like a puzzle came together. There were moments of concerts in it I hadn’t yet seen, there were very to the point analysis. I was just Jungshook :-O From then on I watched Jikook videos every day on top of everything BTS related. When watching old stuff from BTS I kept an extra eye on Jikook now and wow I was amazed by how slowly but obviously JJK started falling in love with Jimin. But it was only after I saw CGF Tokyo (I was quite late discovering that one) I was very much convinced of Jikook being in love/ being boyfriends. So there I was being addicted to the love between Jikook. One day I talked about Jikook with my sister, who’s a Taekooker. We never did before talk about Jikook specifically, we only talked about BTS in general but that day I asked her why on earth would you think Taekook are a couple while Jikook are obviously a couple. She then said that neither of them are real and showed me a lot of Taekook and Vmin video’s. After that my world came crashing down. I never saw another ship video before, only Jikook. I was so convinced I was witnessing a very beautiful and unique lovestory but then there was my younger sister telling me, I quote: “woman seriously, what did you think? They are all close friends who grew up together and are very much into skinship and fanservice, I’m sorry sis but none of them are dating and if they are then they’re a threesome, doesn’t make sense”. She was right, the interactions I saw between Jikook I could easily see between VMin and Taekook too. I secretly cried for 2 days and felt really bad, not believing in true love anymore. I know it’s weird at my age but that’s what it was like for me. My boyfriend really looked at me like I was a ridiculous teenager but I couldn’t help it. I thought I witnessed a true love couple in front of me but I was being played. I think 2 months went by, me ignoring everything Jikook, only watching BTS in general, luckily for me there was little interaction as in skinship anyways, except for the Christmas Dynamite video when Jimin was all cozy with JJK (I blamed it on fanservice) and then the iconic Black Swan performance, which I watched a 100 times over and cried for (I blamed it on the choreographer because Jikook do make the best dance pair); but then BAM all of the sudden there was the recent Vlive BE.T.S. and I was Jungshook, I was like 'come on, they’re all over each other, but why????’ I felt a little angry at Jikook about the 'fanservice’ this time because lately they didn’t do that a lot and I felt like they grew out of it and I was content with that since my heart was broken because of the fanservice before. It felt more fair to me that the members stopped doing fanservice. But no, there was Jikook again, right in front of all of us, flirting like they hadn’t seen each other in a while. Not just Jimin also JJK was looking at Jimin like a lover. It bothered me a lot because my heart was still healing from a 'break-up’ kinda feeling. But guess what happened next: I got a text from my little sister: “oh my god sis Jikook might be real after all” I texted her back “shut up, don’t laugh at me, I’m pissed”. and she: “No seriously, what is this, they flirt like there’s no tomorrow :-O Boyfriends after all?? ”… I was shocked that she of all people started believing in Jikook, while I finally saw reality because of her and her fiends. I start doubting Jikook again. So we came together and we wrote down some facts that could indicate Jikook being a real couple. Things Jikook did or said that they didn’t do with other members. I first wrote down 'it’s in their eyes, their stares’ but my sis reminded me that it goes for Taekook and Vmin as well so no, not a fact actually. But we came up with these facts:

1) GCF Tokyo, JJK planned this for Jimin’s birthday and it was all about Jimin, you could interpret it as a film for a very special friend but the song that goes with it and the fact that it was for his birthday were too suspicious and the most important fact: he ONLY did that for Jimin, not any other member after that. 2) Jimin is the most special member to JJK. He never gave gifts on B-days to members but he did gave Jimin a B-day present in 2017, just him, not the other members. After the members pointing him about this special treatment he did start giving everyone presents but back then it was only Jimin. 3) I can write a lot about why we think this but we are sure the members are not living together at the dorms anymore, only for work or maybe they crash there sometimes but they don’t actually live there anymore. So they take different cars from there home base to get where they’re going and Jikook always take the same care, especially since 2019, not really sure they live together although we could sum up some facts that could indicate they live together but we can say they at least want to be together before and after work, like almost all the time. An important one for us is that they were both late at the live MBC Radio show in September 2020. The excuse was they took a different highway then the rest and were stuck in traffic (they were like 30 min late). That doesn’t make sense at all, why would one of the cars take a different highway if they are all following each other to get there. We suppose they all gather at the dorms to go to there appointments to make sure they all arrive at the same time at their appointments. So the cars will be following each other, which we can see that is the case, all members always arrive at the same time in different cars (except Jikook, same car). So the excuse makes no sense, it’s either that they both left a lot later then the rest from the dorms (which would be weird) OR they came from a different place (their own place?) and indeed took that certain highway and got stuck in traffic because they weren’t following the other cars. Well that is more likely right? 4) Jimin took a long flight from Paris to S-K just to spend a few hours with JJK on his B-day at the evening. Sure Jimin is a great friend for all the members but this goes beyond that. Me and my sis wouldn’t even do that for each other (our B-days are at the same day, but 16 years apart so it’s special for us too), we would celebrate after our trip. 5) Billboard 1° interview “I was with Jungkook at 4 AM …we cried together”, the day before that interview there was a Vlive for JJK’s B-day and the tension there was weird between Jikook, they seemed unhappy. Jimin was trying to say something about JJK but was caught off twice, anyways he said it the day after: 'he was with JJK’ at that time, since they all don’t live together this is very questionable, all nighter friends forever?… We both found this significant. 6) We all know that Jimin really likes snow. Bon Voyage season 4: JJK got up early and climbed a mountain (without camera’s, so not for fanservice) to get a lump of snow and then gave it to Jimin. So this moment was sweet, romantic but also really awkward, the crew being there and Jimin’s very shy reaction. We believe JJK meant this moment to be just between the two of them (JJk got up early for this) but the crew spotted him and yeah soon ((unfortunately) like 10 people were watching JJK giving Jimin that gift. Jimin didn’t know what to do or say… Between friends it wouldn’t be that awkward or it wouldn’t even happen in the first place. My boyfriend wouldn’t even do this for me, it’s too corny. 7) Rose Bowl, it’s debatable that JJK actually sucked Jimin’s ear but he at least kissed it twice and in an intimate way, this kind of intimacy we couldn’t find between any other members (yes we did search) we saw some intimate moments between Taekook and Vmin that looked very suspicious too but it was not like that special Jikook moment. This is another level. 8) As far as we know they spend the most time together off work: going ice skating, going to the cinemas, touring in London, watching the first snow together. All this in their private time without crew and cameras, no fanservice here. So we can say that even though they already work all these hours together in a day they still want to spend time together after that. J-Hope and Jimin spend time together off work too but mostly it’s Jikook who spend most time together off work. They must really like each other cause honestly I love my boyfriend but no way that I would want to be with him as much as Jikook are together, I would feel suffocated. 9) We debated a while about this one, my sis found it more important than me. RUN BTS episode 116-117 were a member (blindfolded) had to touch/feel the pose the members took to guess the song. Quite intimate game in our opinion but hey it’s S-Korea and skinship is normal… Editors for some reason did not show us JJK touching Jimin, all the others were shown, only of Jikooks scene we didn’t get the footage, just a picture of it afterwards. OK in my opinion the picture is for fanservice but why on earth leave the scene out at all, was it too intimate?, was it too awkward for the crew to film? we don’t know but fact is it was not shown. Normally I don’t over-analyse things but sis is right when she says this one is very suspicious. Editors cut a lot of scenes for different reasons but this one is just too suspicious. 10) Ever since 2013 they are all nighter buddies and JJK loves sleeping in Jimins bed. Just facts.

There is so much more to say about Jikook, like their matching rings, wearing each others clothes but that is not exclusively for Jikook, we found that Taekook also did this. Jikook does it more but still it’s not just them so we don’t take it as proof. Also hand holding, hugs, stares, it’s not something exclusively for them, they all do that, and considering these boys were very young when they got together and lived together a long time as a family, are together 24/7, it’s not surprising that in a country where skinship is normal, these boys are all over each other like there are no boundaries. It’s normal for them. Tae, JJK, Jimin, J-hope are especially into skinship but it hits different with Jikook if you consider what goes on between them beside that. Also we think there is less skinship these days which is quite normal since the members are all grown up now, so it’s a bit surprising when we see Jikook still being quite touchy. About their songs there are a lot of theories too that we can support (I am you and you are me,…) but they are still just theories.

In conclusion: My sister now believes they are a couple LOL. How fast the night changes :-) Taekook is still her favorite ship but she believes Jikook are a real couple, go figure……

I’m personally still careful in what I choose to believe so I can’t be heartbroken again if they turn out to not be a couple after all. I believe Jikook are more than friends/brothers and are likely in love with each other, possibly a couple and maybe living together :-) But still there are many things that make me question them as a couple as well and there is also the possibility that they just come off as a couple because of that special bond they have but in reality they are not. I hope they are a couple though because it would make the world a more beautiful place, I can’t explain why…

Thank you for letting me write our story here and sorry for this book I wrote LOL

Lots of love JD & S (ARMY sisters and Jikook supporters)

FROM SIS : Thank you for trusting me with your story!!! I am glad you came forward with your experience https://youtu.be/MwMLw6FdycY (I hope you don’t mind my comment at the end of it)

[bisluthq]

Happiness is about folklore era/the music; a lyric analysis.

So I see the song happiness confusing a lot of fans and I feel like it’s actually more straightforward than most of the other evermore songs. In order to understand it, though, we have to keep two things in mind:

She wrote it last and only finished it about a week before the album’s release. 

She said this in EW well prior to the album’s release: have this weird thing that I do when I create something where in order to create the next thing I kind of, in my head, attack the previous thing. I don't love that I do that but it is the thing that has kept me pivoting to another world every time I make an album. But with this one, I just still love it. I'm so proud of it. And so that feels very foreign to me. That doesn't feel like a normal experience that I've had with releasing albums.

Taylor has said this was the final thing she made for evermore, and she has also said that usually she wants to “destroy” the previous thing she made. In this case, that previous thing was folklore right? Now let’s look at the lyrics of the song. 

Honey, when I'm above the trees

I see this for what it is

But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given

Is just shit we're dividin' up

Showed you all of my hiding spots

“Above the trees” is a callback to seven (where she’s both in the trees and high in the sky) and therefore to folklore - and she’s twisting it because again it’s “becoming folklore”, right? Even the recent past songs are not exempt from the treatment. 

“But now I’m right down in it, all the years I’ve given is just shit we’re dividin’ up” sounds like her current re-records situation. So essentially she seems to be saying that now that she is in the midst of the masters drama - re-recording her old stuff and all that, she’s being dredged into past mistakes and problems but she sees things more clearly when she is in the folklore era. 

The “hiding spots” are both a reference to folklore (and again the song seven) and the way she has mixed fact and fiction in this era to create a new narrative, allowing her to share very real truths but in a way that’s obscured through fictional characters AND a continuation of the thought above, where she was more confessional. She’s kinda toying with what it means to hide and what it means to show her truth and kinda suggests folklore era is the better experience of that. 

Then it gets even more explicit:

I was dancing when the music stopped

And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention

I haven't met the new me yet

So the first line is mirrorball/her cancelled tour and the way she has continued working through “the disbelief”. And she “can’t face reinvention” - can’t do what she has always done as per the EW quote, and “hasn’t met the new her” yet. This seems confirms evermore and folklore are sister albums, right, and that this is one era. And that it’s the first time that has happened to her - that one era spilled into “another”. 

Then she says:

There'll be happiness after you

But there was happiness because of you

Both of these things can be true

There is happiness

She is enjoying this right now (there is happiness, in the last line, so it’s not just a past tense thing), but it’s a little bittersweet because she knows there will eventually be an era after this. She will move on and find new sources of inspiration and new musical ideas and styles and thoughts. And she also knows this happiness was given to her folklore and now is in evermore. But she’ll move on from the whole era eventually as well. 

After that, Taylor writes:

Past the blood and bruise

Past the curses and cries

Beyond the terror in the nightfall

Haunted by the look in my eyes

That would've loved you for a lifetime

Leave it all behind

And there is happiness

She is moving through all of her past hurts and mistakes and regrets - that’s what she’s doing on these albums, we’ve been saying she’s processing a lot of very old hurts and mistakes and experiences and finding happiness. 

Next, we get this:

Tell me, when did your winning smile

Begin to look like a smirk?

When did all our lessons start to look like weapons

Pointed at my deepest hurt?

Firstly, she is working through a lot of stuff on these albums so these are reasonable things to ask even in a vague way. But more than that, she is hinting at bow the way she worked her “winning smile” was no longer sustainable. That’s what she speaks to in this interview. She couldn’t keep writing pure autobiography or primarily autobiography (I have said she mixes facts and fiction before folklore and I stand by that, but the point is she framed it as such). The “lessons” she had learned started pointing out her hurts. She needed a new modus operandi. 

And so what happens in the next bit? She embraces that new storytelling device:

I hope she'll be your beautiful fool

Who takes my spot next to you

No, I didn't mean that

Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury

You haven't met the new me yet

We get a reference to Fitzgerald/Great Gatsby to distance herself from this (extremely) personal song. And then she immediately backtracks - “I didn’t mean that, sorry I can’t see facts” - she is on the fence about what the narrative device means. She isn’t completely comfortable adding in this fictional character into her songwriting. Her emotions - her “fury” - are obscuring that. And so she says we, her listeners, haven’t met the new her yet. We are still in folklore era. 

We get another twist on this bittersweet chorus:

There'll be happiness after me

But there was happiness because of me

Both of these things, I believe

There is happiness

Once more, there is happiness right now. But there’ll be happiness after this era - and maybe even after she stops making music - but she made an impact in this era (and in the past before) and she created happiness for us, her listeners. 

She continues with that theme:

In our history, across our great divide

There is a glorious sunrise

Dappled with the flickers of light

From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind

And there is happiness

This seems to reference 1989, Reputation and possibly even Lover - so her last three eras and… possibly more. That’s “our history”, right, the way she has recreated herself over her career. The “great divide” separates this new era from her past ones. And then we get Wildest Dreams but folklorized - sunrise instead of sunset. And possibly Daylight - but the light is flickering now, so maybe it’s also DBATC. The dress I wore at midnight could be Wildest Dream’s “nice dress”, the one she bought so “you could take it off”, or one of the princess gowns from early eras…  like the Love Story one, even. Or even the one in Dear John. It’s both extremely specific and vague, and I think is purposefully what she’s about to “leave behind” right. She’s leaving “the girl in the dress” behind. 

And when she does leave her behind, there is happiness. But it’s still bittersweet. 

We then get:

I can't make it go away by making you a villain

I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven

Well the first line is very obviously the Reputation era, but it also fits all her other diss tracks and the drags of all kinds (like just the “write a song about you” vibes she gave off for a long time). 

And then the line that broke y’all - “seven years”.... Well, there were seven “confessional” albums. Where she was making “you” a villain and letting people in and now she is stepping back from that. Everyone is still trying to “pin” songs on people and that’s the price she paid for that time. A time she really, genuinely enjoyed. But which she wants to move on from now. 

Then:

And I pulled your body into mine

Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties

No one teaches you what to do

When a good man hurts you

And you know you hurt him, too

I think this is in part that fictional narrative she started with in the Gatsby thing. Remember, this is deeply deeply personal but she has said that this album is always mixing fact and fiction. So as much as it’s that fictional aspect, she is also saying she used her romances as inspiration - and no one teaches you what to do when you get hurt by that. She used to write songs. But she knows that’s not the only way and you hurt people on the way too. So this is in part the protagonist singing, but it’s also referencing her songwriting style and inspiration and process. 

Taylor then goes back to her early images in the song and twists them a bit:

Honey, when I'm above the trees

I see it for what it is

But now my eyes leak acid rain on the pillow where you used to lay your head

After giving you the best I had

Tell me what to give after that

All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness

You haven't met the new me yet

And I think she'll give you that

When she is in the folklore era she can “see it for what it is”. The “acid rain” seems to hark back to early albums that had very many songs about meeting up in and reconciling in the rain. She gave us the best she had but what should she do after that? Then we get the Gatsby thing that recurs through this with the green light. I think she’s also toying with the idea that many of her fans kinda want that confessional thing. Many of us want to be let in and to get a window into her life but she can’t quite do it - she’s masking it in Gatsby and characters. 

We - her listeners - haven’t me the new her yet. 

But maybe we’ll like that new her even more, Tay says, in a bittersweet way. 

This is the ode to folklore era again: 

There'll be happiness after you

But there was happiness because of you, too

Both of these things can be true

There is happiness

And again there is happiness. 

This bit is similar to the previous one, but again in the way she usually does in this song and era twisted somewhat:

In our history, across our great divide

There is a glorious sunrise

Dappled with the flickers of light

From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind

Oh, leave it all behind

Leave it all behind

And there is happiness

What’s the twist? Leave it all behind is repeated. She is really insisting that in leaving the history behind she is finding happiness. Now. It is. It exists. But it is, again, somewhat bittersweet because she finds her relationship with this era so confusing - especially, I think, given she is currently re-recording. 

In conclusion, this reading makes the most sense to me and I’m curious what y’all think. 

[kirstinlm]

how a heart melts

by embracedself

fandom: Supergirl

ship: SuperCorp

set in a world where Kara is sure that Lena hates her.

Lena is sure that the reporter is uninterested.

Here's how that turned out.

read it on ao3 here.

It wasn't like Kara necessarily hated Lena Luthor. No, she actually quite admired the startup CEO. Thing was, she was pretty sure that Lena Luthor hated her. Every single time that Kara's boss, Snapper Carr, forced Kara over to Lena's office (L-Corp) to interview, Lena seemed red and uncertain what to say. Maybe she was just nervous, but that was definitely not the feeling Kara got from it. Even when Kara began to speak to Lena, tentatively like she was a mouse squeaking up to a cat, Lena would mimic her stutter, or perhaps she was simply nervous herself. But that was a ridiculous thought for the Ice Queen herself. She would never get nervous over a mouse like Kara Danvers.

This time, however, when Snapper demanded that Kara go over to the L-Corp building and get a quote about Lena's new prototypes of watches --- they were deemed Hopeful, as if it were helpful but....with a twist. Rao, Kara hoped she wouldn't stammer that way in front of Lena. Last thing she needed was to make Lena's product seem dumb to Lena herself. Anyway, back to the watch. Ms. Luthor had managed to get the watch that talked back to you, like a Siri, but without all the corporate stealing your data and Google trying to sneak into your thoughts and anticipate your next move. Hope was, simply put, a helpful voice who would do a number of things for you.

That was stuff she could tell Lena right? Talking up her product like that wouldn't be offensive to her, surely. Even if it did sound rather....picturesque for a reporter. In Kara's defense, she was still new at this part. Oh, maybe THAT'S why Lena hated her so much! Because CatCo kept sending the rookie to meet with her. Oh, it all made so much more sense now. Hopefully, and that was a big hope she had there, if that was all the problem was, then it wasn't with Kara herself. Kara hadn't somehow offended the pretty lady who was a multimillionaire with connections everywhere. Lena could RUIN Kara if she misstepped.

Gulping now, Kara went into the office where she saw Jess, L-Corp and Lena's personal secretary. "Hello Ms Haung, I'm uh, I'm here to see Ms Luthor again?" It came out like a question. Kara immediately winced. "With CatCo." She coughed out. "I have an appointment---" she promised.

"I know, Kara. Not to worry, Ms Luthor is ready to see you now." Jess interrupted with a kinder smile than what Kara was expecting. "By the by, how are you enjoying all of the fl---" This time it was Jess who got interrupted. By Ms Luthor herself.

"Ms Danvers," Oh, there was none of the stuttering today. Just a polite smile, one that showed all of Lena's teeth. Maybe it was a little offputting. Maybe it was more than a little. Okay, so Kara needed to get a grip. "How lovely for you to join us again." She nodded towards her office, indicating that Kara should follow.

Complying immediately, Kara gave Lena her best smile. "Thank you for having me again." She managed not to stutter as well. Rather proud of that, yes, but well, it was deserved. She didn't need to be made a fool of again in front of a beautiful woman. That's just --- cruel.

"I assume you're here to discuss Hope, today. Unless...." Kara nodded before Lena could finish the sentence. "Yes Ms Luthor, sure am!" She beamed up at the woman, only to see Lena's face falling. Just for a split second, and then she was professional once more. Kara wondered how she'd mucked up this time.

"Great." It was a singular word, so how the heck did it have that much force behind it? To be fair, Kara supposed the woman saying it was a force to be reckoned with as well. Ms Lena "Never stand behind a man" Luthor. L-Corp was way too amateaur for Lena's capabilities, but Kara was not going to say that. Kara was not going to say anything else wrong. She wouldn't!

"So what made you decide to make Hope in the first place?" Kara pulled out her notepad and sat, only once Lena did the same.

"My mother, actually. My biological one, make sure you clarify that." Lena corrected herself. Kara nodded, making a show of writing it down. Lena cracked a smile before sobering up. "As I'm sure most of CatCo by now knows, I've been recently reunited with Mum in the first place." She bit her lip and Kara had only a second to wonder what that would taste like if she did the same before Lena was speaking again. "If I had been wearing a Hope watch on, or if she had, we could have found each other faster. Never been separated at all ---" She broke off. "When I finally did find my mother, it was not before she'd had a fall in her tub."

Kara looked up sympathetically, wondering how she would have felt if Eliza fell. "I just want to make the world as safe a place as posible, especially after what Lex did." Lena shrugged quitely. "Can't you understand that?"

"Can't imagine if my mum lost her footing whilst she was in the shower. I'm glad yours is okay." Kara said gently. "Mine wears Hope now as well." She offered.

"I'm honoured, though I hope she never has to use it for that kind of thing." Lena responded genuinely. It was the longest conversation they'd had without being stuttery and nervous (angry?)

"So um, I take it this wasn't a plot to overthrow Google and the other companies?" Kara quirked a smile at Lena.

"Definitely not. Just wanted some safety for my mum." Lena agreed softly. Kara nodded, writing that down on her pad as well.

"Do you have any other questions for me, Ms Danvers?" Lena asked formally at last.

"No Ms Luthor, just about done here." She promised, writing down the last few notes she'd wanted to put in her article. "The article should be up on CatCo's site tomorrow, and come out with the newspaper on the next day." Kara added. "Assuming Snapper doesn't call it too biased."

"Biased?" Lena raised an eyebrow. Shoot. What had Kara done?

"Oh, um. You know, because I like you so much!" Kara blurted. "I mean--- your work! It's fantastic. And I'm so happy you got reunited with your mum, I'd kill to be with mine again, and---"

Kara was cut off with a shaking hand placed on her arm. When she looked, it was Lena's. Her eyes were softer than she'd ever seen.

Impossibly green. Beautiful in a way that Kara had only noticed in her dreams. And now they were getting...closer to her face. Scrutinizing her.

"You said you like me." Lena whispered. It didn't sound like she was opposed to the idea, merely in disbelief. "You like me?" She repeated as a question when Kara said nothing, too afraid to voice her feelings.

Kara nodded fearfully. "Listen, I know you probably think it's insane. And you probably hate the idea, I mean I hate it too, sometimes." Kara said in a rush. "But even when you're mocking my stuttering, or saying things that are kinda hurtful like.... well it doesn't matter.... but anyway I promise I'll stop coming by! I won't let Snapper deter me from having an opinion on the matter this time, I promise!" She said with wide eyes.

"Wait a second." Lena spoke in a wondrous voice. She was still looking at Kara as if she were Santa Claus. "You think I hate you?"

"I mean..... I'm not sure what the right answer is here." Kara confessed.

"An-and that when I start to stutter, that I'm mocking you?" Lena looked crestfallen. But dawning was starting to show in her eyes, and Kara definitely liked the way it made them glow.

Kara nodded nervously. "I'm sorry. Have I got everything wrong?" She asked, her eyes nervously following Lena's fingers as they began to wring anxiously.

"Uh, yeah." Lena nodded affirmatively. "Very wrong. So wrong. I'm like..... in awe of how spectacularly wrong we've both been." Kara looked up at her, confusion glittering in blue eyes.

"What do you mean?" Kara asked at last.

"I am in love with you, Kara Danvers." Lena stated in a serious voice. "And I have been ever since you first walked into the office with your cousin and you weren't even a reporter yet, you were just convinced in my goodness. How could I not love you? I'm always so nervous around you that I can't help but get shy and stutter, or say the wrong things. I just want to impress you, Kara. That's why I sent all those flowers--- and then you just... ignored them, so I thought, fine, she's not interested. It's no big deal. But now you say you like me and I'm...."

Kara cut her off by very literally launching herself over Lena's desk and kissing the ravenette. It was a mistake and one that they'd both paid dearly for, but they had a lot of missed time to make up for. She slid off the other side of Lena's desk, crawling into her lap as Lena pulled her even closer, they were sharing the same breath when Kara finally pulled away for clarification. "You sent me flowers." She asked, running a finger over Lena's lips. "And you thought I ignored them. I never--- I didn't get any."

Lena looked both crestfallen and relieved at the very same time, and also just a little like she'd been thoroughly ravished. "You didn't get them."

"No. I assure you, I would have noticed them." Kara promised, stealing another, slow and serious kiss as she wrapped her hands around Lena's neck.

"I sent them to Ms Kara Danvers..... at CatCo." Lena looked confused, but when she received the second kiss she relaxed into it.

"The entire office only recognises me as Kiera. They probably, uh, they probably got thrown out when no one realised it was me." Kara confessed. "It's an issue I'm working through."

Lena let out a soft laugh, looking relieved. "Well then, KARA Danvers.... I'd like to treat you to lunch. Maybe have some more kisses too." She bit her lip. "Is that something you're interested in?"

"Very much so." Kara promised. "And I'd like to take you out for dinner. And give you a lot more kisses then, too." Kara murmured as she pressed kiss after kiss on Lena's face, all over the adorable, blushing cheeks.

"I like the sound of that." Lena admitted. "Maybe I can meet.....whoever is in your life."

"As long as I can meet your mum." Kara hummed. Lena arched her neck.

"But first, we have some time to make up for."

[englandsgray]

Sherlolly Self-Interviews 2020

Well hi 👋

Ignoring the internal image of Gilderoy Lockheart smiling smugly while flashbulbs pop and saying ‘In my autobiography, Magical Me...’ 🙈😆 I shall take the opportunity of this lovely event to introduce myself as a writer of Sherlolly fanfiction on AO3...

I am English and somewhere over 30.  I watched the show as it aired, and lost my heart as quickly to Molly Hooper as to Sherlock Holmes.  The kiss is British television history.  Series 4 is my favourite.  Moriarty on the beach is life.  The Holmes brothers break my heart every time.

I am extremely lucky to have been provided some questions to answer here by @ohaine and @mybrainrots - huge, huge love and thanks to these two lovelies, and not just for this.  I admire you both so much as writers, and your support means the world to me ❤️ Thanks too, to @sherlollyappreciationweek!

Where did you begin to write, and have you written for other fandoms?  I wrote my first fanfic when I was eleven years old - a 100 page ramble about The Monkees.  Oh yes.  Then in 2018, I fell for the characters of the Disney Pixar film Cars and began writing and publishing.  So far so random!  Writing in this fandom sprang from binge-watching all four series of Sherlock during lockdown.  I remembered reading Louise Brealey talking about being disappointed Molly didn’t get chance to ‘roundly kick Sherlock’s arse’ and agreeing with her wholeheartedly.  That, over a few weeks, turned into my first fic - Who You Really Are.  

You’re a recent (and welcome!) arrival to the Sherlolly ship, and I was wondering if writing in an established, less active than it used to be fandom has been a challenge?   Thank you, firstly.  My experience of this fandom has been incredibly positive - the sense of welcome has been wonderful.  I will admit I was terrified posting the first fic - there are hundreds of times more stories posted daily in the Sherlock fandom as in the one I had some experience of.  But I needn’t have worried, it’s been a blast.  I will also admit, that it’s no small thing to be surrounded by such brilliant writing and the long-standing passion which goes with it.  But I find that inspiring in itself, and I’m very glad to be here - how supportive the fandom are makes me feel like I always have been!       

What’s your favourite place and way to write?  My aesthetic is Lin-Manuel Miranda in his in-law’s laundry room 🤣 I wrote my first ten-thousand words on the notes app on my phone before my other half told me to stop being ridiculous!  I switch between the laptop, my phone and longhand (I’m a sucker for a nice notepad and a Uni-Ball Eye) and, more often than not, not sat up properly at a table.   

Since you’ve (done something I’ve never managed successfully and) written a novella length fic... how did you organise/keep track of all the details and where you wanted the story to go?  Did you outline/plot in advance?  First of all - I would love to see a novella length fic from you @mybrainrots!  The final scene of Who You Really Are came to me very early on and I knew I wanted the fic to fit within TFP - a lot of it takes place in the timeframe of the final montage.  At first, it was going to be much more about Sherlock’s relationship with the ideas of sentiment and love (the phrase ‘I’m not sentimental about you, I love you,’ haunted me for a while) and I spent some time researching the psychology and playing with scenes from throughout the series - one of my favourites I didn’t go on to use was inspired by the final scene of THoB.  Using scenes from the canon gave an automatic structure, and I was always aiming for the final one I wrote early on - the two of them on the beach (everything is about the beach, with me!)  As I went along and started, inevitably, to slow down, I mapped out the chapters with a short note of what I wanted to be in each, then would add notes or phrases as they came to me - often emailed from my phone!  I had to force myself through a tricky section set in Baker Street at one point, but it came together in the end.  I did plot The Pathologist’s Skeletons on paper first, as I found with a casefic which remains a WIP, that I can get confused and lose focus when it comes to details and how to reveal them in a way which stays paced and interesting.  I’ll certainly do that from now on with longer stories and cases.  How did you keep up enthusiasm for the work?  I want to write an original novel, so I am forcing myself to work through the knotty bits and blocks as a learning experience.  Not everything is destined to be finished or finessed, of course, but I’m finding this process is building my confidence that I can overcome problems and slow periods.  I also find I know when I need some external inspiration - some of my favourite scenes have come to me while out walking the dog or sitting on the beach.  I’ve also been inspired by books or other series or things going on in the world, as we all are, and sometimes that’s pushed me on.  Plus, of course, I’m a newbie - I’m very much in the honeymoon period of my writing, even though I’ve loved Sherlock for ten years! (Ten years! Bonkers.) 

You’ve got a knack for writing Sherlock’s thoughts and capturing his voice.  That said, which character do you find easiest to write?  Which is the hardest?  Thank you so much.  I absolutely love writing Sherlock and Mycroft, and I’m sure that’s because they suit my somewhat over-the-top writing style!  I find Molly and her POV really difficult.  I want the scenes I write from her perspective to sound completely different to Sherlock, but that means writing in a style which doesn’t come as naturally to me.  I’m a long way off happy with that at the moment, but I’m enjoying the challenge.

Is there a scene or character that specifically inspired you to start writing Sherlolly?  The whole of TFP, but especially from the moment Sherlock arrives at Musgrave onwards.  I am desperate to see what a Sherlock Holmes who has been reacquainted with his own heart would look like.  I find his emotionality in those final scenes hugely compelling (Mycroft’s office is one of my favourite moments from across all four series) and, as I have always believed in him and Molly, I practically jumped up back in May after watching it and said ‘right, where’s my notebook?!’.

There’s a lovely peaceful, quiet feeling to your fic ‘We’re All Right At The Moment’.  Can you tell us what inspired it and if you’ve thought of doing the backstory that goes with it?  Thank you!  Like everyone, I would go back to January of this year and start again in a heartbeat, but I am hugely fortunate to be able to say that I have a lot to be grateful to the UK lockdowns for.  I might never have begun writing in this fandom otherwise, for one, and I have had a brilliant time so far and met some lovely people. Honestly, I don’t feel able to do any sort of justice in my writing to what has happened in the world in any broader sense than drawing on my own experiences of staying at home and enjoying my family.  This particular super-short fic sees Molly cutting Sherlock’s hair at home in Baker Street.  I wrote it in the evening after I had cut my other half’s hair and had been reminding myself that despite how horribly worried I was - and still am - about everything, we were all right in that moment, and to focus on that as much as possible.  I wanted to try to capture that, if for no reason other than to look back on this entire experience and remember something lovely, so I am so pleased to hear you felt the fic did that.  It was only after I finished it and reread it, that I realised it is ambiguous as to whether Molly is worried about Sherlock contracting the virus, or whether she is remembering him being treated for it... As I say, I don’t think I could write more about these extraordinary circumstances - perhaps it’s just too close at the moment - so I don’t plan on extending it.  But you know how it is, the plot bunnies hop where they will... 

Do you have a Sherlolly music playlist?  What are your top five favs from the list? Here’s a run down of (6 🙊) songs I have been getting emotional over in the last little while, leading my brain to assign their significance to my favourite couple...

Kissing You - Des’Ree - It’s so 90′s, it’s a bit cheesy, it’s oddly disturbing.  It helped me write A Request, Made Properly, and that gave me an excuse to have Sherlock kiss Molly in the snow.

How Long Will I Love You? - Ellie Goulding - part of the playlist, but also in remembrance of a friend who passed away recently.  Life is very short, love is forever.

High and Dry - Jamie Cullum - It’s made me emotional for a very long time.  The original is my partner’s version of choice, this is mine.  

Think About You - Delta Goodrem - Okay, this one isn’t emotional, and it’s not my usual vibe!  Blame the zoom exercise class I do!  But oh my goodness, it’s Molly.  Bless her.

Blinded By Your Grace (P.T.2. F.T. MNEK) - Stormzy - One of the best ever, I reckon.  Spent an awful lot of time thinking about angels and demons, grace and what it takes to save someone, while writing my latest - The Pathologist’s Skeletons.  This has been in my head most of the (blimmin’) time!

Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding - I didn’t know I was a fan of Ellie until I wrote this list... I don’t subscribe to the theory that the love Molly wants or that which Sherlock has to offer is any lesser because it isn’t ‘normal’ or expected. I don’t think romantic entanglement would come easy to either of them. But it’s still love and it would be beautiful.

Thank you so much for reading.  Thanks and love to @ohaine and @mybrainrots. And thank you @sherlollyappreciationweek for the event and for everything you do ❤️

Feel like I should sign off with a quote from the show...

“You’re not a puzzle-solver, you never have been. You’re a drama queen!” Dr John Watson (Moffat & Gatiss) 2014 😜

X

A fav fic of mine by @mybrainrots

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7563193

A fav fic of mine by @ohaine

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562904

My stuff:

https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnglandsGray/works

[halseyhazzard]

The Redemption of Judee Sill

Halsey Hazzard, fall 2018

for a writing class on pop culture criticism “So much sensationalist bullshit has been written about Judee Sill (by people who never knew her) focusing on her days as a hooker and a junkie.” So begins Pat Thomas’s interview with Tommy Peltier, a longtime friend and collaborator of Sill’s, in the liner notes to the recently and lovingly compiled “Songs of Rapture and Redemption: Rarities & Live.” He’s not wrong; in nearly all of the writing on Sill, her music, an inimitable blend of gospel, folk and country at once bluesy and baroque, plays second fiddle to the stranger- and sadder-than-fiction story of her all-too-brief life. Her eponymous 1971 debut and 1973’s Heart Food were met with praise from critics and her fellow songwriters alike; in 1973 Steve Holden called Judee a “most gifted artist, one who continues to promise almost more than I dare hope for.” Unfortunately — for Sill and for those who loved her, and for those of us who love her music — much of that promise never came to pass. She died in obscurity in 1979, leaving behind an unfinished third record and quietly ascending to the pantheon of young, brilliant musicians who died too soon.

It’s hard to write about Sill without relying on sensationalist bullshit. I suppose in writing this at all I’m contributing to the problem, but like so many others, I have joined the ranks of Sill’s devoted disciples, compelled to tell and retell her story to rectify fate’s perceived cruel disservice to a great talent. What emerges is not always a faithful portrait of the complicated artist Sill was, but rather a shifting and sometimes contradictory fable that cements Sill’s status as a legend — not, as she might have hoped, as “an extremely famous or notorious person,” but rather as the subject of a “story sometimes popularly regarded as historical but unauthenticated.”

The story goes something like this: Judee Sill was born Judith Lynne Sill to an average, unhappy middle class household in Los Angeles in 1944. She fell in with a rough crowd, got married, committed a series of crimes, got addicted to various drugs, went to jail, got married again. Eventually she cleaned up her act, put the gospel licks she’d learned in reform school to good use, and became the first act signed to David Geffen’s Asylum label. She put out two albums of intricate songs that married earthly desire and longing for heavenly salvation, populated with lonely cowboy types and vigilantes that sometimes seemed strikingly similar to Jesus. For a few shining years it seemed like Sill had made it. It soon became clear (the story goes) that fame was not what fate had in store for her. Until 2003, when Rhino issued Judee Sill and Heart Food on CDs for the first time as part of its Handmade series, Sill was “[u]nlamented and all but forgotten.” These are the words of Barney Hoskyns, who in a 2004 Guardian profile declared “[t]he tragic Judee Sill is well overdue for (re)discovery.” Since then, interest in Sill’s life and music has steadily increased thanks to a series of posthumous reissues and releases: 2005’s “Dreams Come True,” a two-disk set of unreleased recordings mixed by Jim O’Rourke (Sonic Youth, Wilco); Live in London: The BBC Recordings 1972-1973, released in 2007; and “Chariot of Astral Light,” an intimate collaboration with aforementioned Tommy Peltier recorded in the ‘70s and finally released in 2004.

In a review of the 2004 Intervention reissue of Judee Sill titled “The Judee Sill Cult Continues, This Time at 45RPM,” Michael Fremer of Analogplanet writes, “sometimes "legends" are created and nurtured simply by tragic circumstances. In Judee Sill's case add wasted talent and unfulfilled great promise that add up to a movie worthy story.” Sill’s life has yet to inspire a movie (although a seemingly-deserted IMDB page indicates at least one attempt at a documentary), but songwriter Laura Veirs’ “Song for Judee,” renders the Judee Sill legend in sparse yet cinematic detail. In it, Veirs’ voice echoes on top of warm, jangling guitars, the apparently upbeat melody betrayed by the sadness of the story it tells:

“You wrote “The Kiss” and it is beautiful

I can listen again and again

You never really got a break

From the car wrecks and the pain”

The crux of the Judee Sill legend is captured in these lines, which immediately identify Sill’s work with the tragic events of her life. Sill’s music is mentioned in Veir’s lyric but once, and only glancingly; it’s not even clear “The Kiss” is a song, or “Judee” a songwriter. Veirs’ appreciation for her music is given is as pretext for why the listener should care about Sill’s life, but it’s clear the main attraction here is tragedy. The rest of this atypical ode is not praise, but a retelling, addressed to Sill herself, of key moments in the legend of her life. What emerges is a tellingly concise fable that identifies Sill with the lonely phantom cowboys who populate her lyrical landscape.

Veirs appears to have lifted her narrative and several phrases from the BBC documentary. She mines in particular the commentary from Peltier, who says Sill was his best friend and shares the insights that would come to compose Veirs’ chorus: “You loved the Sons of the Pioneers and the Hollywood cowboy stars/you were just trying to put a hand to where we are.” She also borrows, nearly word-for-word, an introduction Judee gave during one of her London radio performances in 1972, describing her time “living in a ‘55 Cadillac, five people sleeping in shifts.” This almost creates an intimacy with Sill, whom Veirs had never met; however, there remains an insurmountable distance. Sill had been dead 35 years — as long as she was alive — by the time this ode was composed. While Veirs hints at Sill’s troubles in the first verse, only in the last verse does she make explicit what happened: “They found you with a needle in your arm, beloved books strewn ‘round at your feet”. The revelation gives the chorus retroactive prophetic relevance. The past tense, once wistful, is now crushing.

Her death, like her life, became part of the legend. There are general points of agreement: she had been in several car accidents, was using heroin again, and died of an overdose just after Thanksgiving 1979. Everything else is less clear. Though her death certificate reports she was found dead in her house in North Hollywood, a persistent rumor suggested she had disappeared to Mexico to live out her final days. Her death was reported as a suicide, but family members and friends maintain that the note found near her, a characteristic musing on death and redemption, was an idea for a song.

The title of a 2014 BBC Radio documentary by Ruth Barnes says it all: “The Lost Genius of Judee Sill.” Sill’s genius is preceded by its lostness. Sill herself comes last. Her music is mentioned too, of course. They quote Sill’s self-description of her work as “country-cult-baroque” and her professed influences, Bach and Pythagoras. (In some versions of the quote, Ray Charles is thrown in.) Yet every time, it seems, someone brings up that she wrote “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” about JD Souther, that Graham Nash produced it. She was the inaugural artist on David Geffen’s Asylum, we’re told, .She opened for Crosby Stills and Nash, and Cat Stevens, and Gordon Lightfoot — and so on. These revelations are usually accompanied by astonishment at the fact that she failed to find the commercial success of her peers, despite her comparable — perhaps superior — talents.

Many have offered explanations about how this happened. There is a general consensus that her falling-out with Geffen played a role. It’s not exactly clear what happened. The word “faggot” was involved, but whether it was said live or on the radio, in reference to Geffen himself or a pair of his pink shoes, is up for debate. Whatever she said severed their relationship. Some contend that she may have been in love with him, and was hurt when he spurned her advances. Others point out that she was growing frustrated with what she saw as his lack of promotion for her music. By this point, she was already making no secret of her disdain for the “snotty rock bands” she had to open for, and I doubt this did her any favors.

The contradictions in people’s stories exacerbate the larger-than-life quality of her life and times, as do the many cliches used to tell her story. Headlines variously declare her “a star that fame forgot,” “L.A.’s doomed lady of the canyon who lost her genius to drugs,” a “mystic” who “walked among us.” The human Judee Sill is lost somewhere beneath this sensationalism. It is no wonder why her friends and family members, Tommy Peltier chief among them, feel so compelled to set the record straight by providing their version of events. In his remarks in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption,” Peltier is quick to discourage speculation about her drug use and past prostitution, declaring instead “She was just the most beautiful person.”

“Beautiful,” you may recall, was the only word Laura Veirs could come up with to describe “The Kiss.” When I first heard “The Kiss,” I was immediately struck by how inadequate the word was to describe what I was hearing. The song showcases the best of her efforts to induce mathematically precise intervals into intricate melodies that aren’t so much heard as felt. Her lyrics, confusing the sacred and profane, ride the thin ridge between love and logic, devotion and desperation. Over shifting and plaintive piano Sill sings a eulogy to stars bursting in the sky and begs a lover — god? — to come and hold her “while you show me how to fly.” I first heard “The Kiss” in a YouTube video, one of few that survives of her performing, whose introduction insists that she herself was determined to be a successful musician. Ironically, the video shows precisely why perhaps she couldn’t be: severe and guileless, Sill hunches over the piano as if it were all that exists, engrossed in the song’s intense and uncommercial emotional intensity.

Sill’s idiosyncrasies are on full display in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption”, a compilation whose greatest strength is its commitment to capturing the artist and all her contradictions in her own words. The sleeve features a candid photograph of a smiling Sill, alongside several of her paintings and drawings. The tracks included are a combination of live recordings, demos, and studio outtakes that lay bare the deceptive complexity of her compositions. In the Boston Music Hall performance that opens the record, Sill, armed only with an acoustic guitar, tells the audience “I’m going to sing you a few little songs before David [Crosby] and Graham [Nash] get here. I’d like to sing you this song called “The Vigilante”. It’s new, I hope I remember the words.” The self-effacing introduction notwithstanding, what follows is nothing short of revelatory.

An early highlight is “Enchanted Sky Machines,” a bluesy number about waiting for the end of the world where she trades her distinctive fingerpicking for pentecostal piano licks she picked up in reform school. There is an aching earnestness to the way she sings of swallowing her yearning, and it carries over into “The Archetypal Man,” which begins with Sill singing the song’s opening harpsichord solo. Before “Crayon Angels,” she describes how she would call up friends as she was writing the album and sing them instrumental solos, joking that it must have been hard for them to like her in those days. The crowd is in on it, and her self-deprecating humor belies a clear confidence in her talents and her musical vision that is justified by the virtuosic grace of her playing. Sill was a perfectionist who demanded and deserved creative control, a notoriously laborious songwriter who could be a tyrant in the studio, and these tendencies are on full display even in this humble solo set. When she introduces her second last song, “The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown,” she enunciates every word, then repeats it again — ”with. the. crown.” — determined to ensure the the audience walks away knowing exactly what she was saying.

The set ends with Judee’s signature song, “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” which had only just been released to radio two days prior. She calmly reveals the song’s inspiration, an unhappy relationship with a “bandit and a heartbreaker,” and describes waking up one day with the conviction “that even that wretched bastard was not beyond redemption.” Her diction is clear, her tone less so. The audience, nonetheless moved, cheers and laughs. She goes on: “It’s true, I swear. It saved me, this song. It was writing this song or suicide. It’s called “Jesus is a Crossmaker” and I hope you like it.” Her voice seems monotonous for such an emotional confession, but that stops mattering as soon as the song begins.

Instantly her singing voice, freed from the perfectionism of her studio recordings, reveals itself as strikingly human. Precise, unadorned, free of vibrato, it is flat in places, sharp in others, yet cuts to the rhythmic core of each note. She struggles with a few of the intervals she has given herself to sing, but this only enhances the song, giving human voice to the mathematical precision of her compositions, linking the downtrodden with the divine. With her unpretentious voice and deceptively simple language, she strives to speak redemption into being. Her longing for it is audible.

Such longing is a key theme in much of sill’s work, and nowhere is it more pronounced than in “Crayon Angels”:

Crayon Angel songs are slightly out of tune

But I'm sure I'm not to blame

Nothing's happened, but I think it will soon

So I sit here waiting for God and a train to the Astral plane

Later in the song, she confesses “Guess reality is not as it seems so I sit here hoping for truth, and a ride to the other side”. Sill knows the truth she longs for is unattainable, at least in this lifetime — but she remains unflagging in her belief in something. It is this belief that motivates her music. To characterize Sill as a god-given genius laid low by fate undercuts her formidable musical ambition, and the sincerity with which she approached her craft. The work she created was not purely inspired by the divine, but instead strove for it, confronting the inevitable impossibility of reaching perfection with the all-too-human drive for beauty in the face of death. Still, one gets the sense that Sill herself, enthralled as she was with cowboy stories and cosmic secrets, might appreciate the mythic proportions her life story has taken. I like to think that she’s made it to the Astral plane, and that wherever she is, she’s smiling.