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eclipse-rain · 2 years ago

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Fwel Tsaheylu (Broken Bond) Part 2

Warnings; slight angst

Part 1 •Part 3 •Part 4

Masterlist~

What was ment to be an experience for the benifit and furthering of mine and my brothers education ended up turning into a complete disaster.

Not only did all three of us disobey father by being present on the battlefield (Albet, in my case, it was more of an uncontrollable circumstance, but i wouldnt dare say so out loud) instead of observing from the sky, mentally noting down tactics used and getting a feel for the real action of battle from afar. But we also blew just about any chance of being able to get such first hand experience like that for a long time. No more battlefields for us, i was sure of it.

I was also sure of one other thing. That father would bring all of this up as soon as we landed. It was another unavoidable circumstance of sorts. And while i also knew it would not be the worst for me but rather for the eldest of us three, i could not help feeling anxious on the back of my mothers ikran as we flew home.

I would give anything so that father would not question me when we got back. I would even let Neteyam take all the responsibility this time, just so father would not be given reason to indulge me, as i would not be the main target of his focus. Even when i used to step in so Neteyam would not have to shoulder these burdens alone, no matter how much father hated when i did.

But this time, this time was diffrent. This time i had something to lose. A secret that could be let out. With just a little prodding in the right place the dam could break. The wall could crumble and i didnt know how well i could patch it up if it did. If i would be able to keep living while hiding the truth or if it would be ripped out from under me and i didnt know if i could handle when it did.

If they find out that i couldnt fly my ikran they will think somethings wrong. The questioning will begin, the concerned expressions will start up again. The poking and the prodding for more information will double. The never being left alone or feeling like you never have the chance to properly rest or think will bear down with all its might and the burden on my own heart will increase. Nevermind them doing it out of concern as parents for their beloved daughter, I've lived this way for long enough that any thought of changing it makes me feel physically sick.

Others might call me ridiculous or overdramatic for feeling as much but its different when your the one in the position. When the spotlight is bearing down on you and you alone. When the light shines so brightly into your eyes it seers, like its trying to melt the icy cold wall of your exterior and uncover all the dirt beneath. Every speck, every morsel and not clean away an inch. Only leaving it there to gather dust and have you continue the journey alone. If at that stage you still can.

As we arrived back home, flying overhead, i heard excited shouts from the other na'vi people awaiting the war partys return. None of us had spoken a word as we flew home, collectively knowing the sh*t storm that awaited us the moment we got back. The ikrans came to a hault on the ground and mother slipped off first. She held her arms out to me to help me down.

I swung my legs over and hopped off her ikran by myself in one swift motion. I felt sort of embarrased. I felt like a child needing to be helped off their steed by their parents because they were too inexperienced to get down themselves. Yes she was well aware i could get down on my own, since i had my own ikran, and was probably just trying to baby me because i was hurt. She probably thought i had gotten a fright after what had just happened, and she would be right of course, i had been terrified, but i would not show it. I was hurt but i would not show that either.

My adrenalin had started to wear off on the flight back and my survival mode started to shut down. Now i could feel the seering pain where the uneven gashes in my palms bled, turning my hands an awful red color in the process. I felt the sting of the bruises that had started to form and show through my skin on my back from my fall. On my shoulder blades, my spineal chord and my tail bone especially.

But i would power through the pain, the hurt, so that i wouldnt look weak, so that i wouldnt look like a child who needed to be helped everytime one little thing went wrong. So that i looked strong, i looked like i could be relied upon in times of crisis. So that i looked like the brave warriors of my clan, one of the people, one of the true people, not who i was and not who i really am.

In the meantime, the youngest of the family ran up to our mother, arms out streached in welcome. My brothers and father had gottten off their own ikran and started to gather together just a little ways away. Neteyam had ridden back with our father much the same as i had done with our mother only he was sat in front by father, where as i had sat myself behind mother. From what i saw out of the cornor of my eye he was also heped off the ikran by my father like my mother had tried to do for me.

In that moment a sudden thought occured to me for the first time. I wondered if i was what Neteyam was for father but to mother. Neteyam, the first born son, taught by my father. I, the first born girl and the only one in the family who was taught by my mother. I had always assumed that her teaching me had something to do with being the first born girl but i never put two and two together until now.

And that made me see a whole new outlook on my place in the family, which in turn made a pit of unease settle in my stomach. Neteyam was the first born, the perfect son the perfect heir. I thought i lived as the middle child between the middle children. Someone not to be taken notice of. I was not the eldest nor the youngest, i was not even second rate to. I thought i was invisable to eyes looking for expectation higher than just to be a normal na'vi, one of the people.

But i was wrong. My family, my people, expected of me. They expected me to be like them, to be one of them and i tired myself just to live up to the expectation of what was considered normal. If i now had to bring myself beyond that point, i feared it would break me. It would be my breaking point.

Nevertheless, if i found my realisation came to be true i would try and try and try again. Because thats all you can do until you can try no more.

Mother started towards them, steering me in the same direction. It felt like she was almost hurding me towards my imminent doom. Tuk followed silently trailing along behind the both of us. As we got closer i clenched my hands, my long sharp nails digging into the fresh wounds that formed there not too long ago. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from over thinking the situation but also to avert my attention away from the pain in my body, in my hands and the fresh bruises i could feel blooming along my spinal chord.

"Fall in" father said in a voice that sounded like any second it would raise an octive higher in something akin to anger. Not that i would be able to find the right word to completely describe how it felt like nails scraping down a chalkboard and just when you think its coming to a stop it keeps going.

When the three of us, Neteyam, Lo'ak and I finally gathered close enough, in one fast move father whirled around to meet us face to face. And we all knew what was coming next.

"You're suposed to be spotters" he said sounding somewhat impatient through the other emotions he portrayed at that moment. "You spot boogies and call them in"

I tried not to cringe as my fathers voice finally broke through the lid that was bearly containing it.

"From a distance!" His voice came out gruff and annoyed

"Does that sound familiar? Jesus! I let you two geniuses fly a mission and you disobeyed direct orders" he continued

I brought my head up slightly in confusion as to why i had suddenly been left out of the equation.

"Kiri can you go help your grandmother with the wounded. Please."

Kiri who came over in the middle of fathers lecture to us was regarded with a much softer tone of voice.

"My brother is wounded" she replied calmly and definitively

More urging from father for kiri who was not budging and now Tuk as well to leave brought fathers attention to me, the eldest of the three sisters.

A quick glance in my direction was all it took for him to walk over until he was standing right in front of me.

"What's this?" He asked in a flat voice, not too soft but not too loud

Confused, i followed the length of his arm with my eyes down to where his hand was pointed towards.

Small drops of dark red liquid fell to the ground just by my feet. I tried once again, like i had learned to do as i grew up, to tame the urge my body had to shuffle my feet under the intese pressure i now felt with fathers attention solely on me. His eyes bore down onto my hand stained with blood. They then shifted to my other blood stained hand and he seemed to have made up his mind before i got the chance to respond to his question.

"Kiri if you want to treat your hurt family than i think your older sister would be needing it more than your brothers would" he said turning back to face her

"Ah, its nothing, im fine-" i started but got cut off

"You always say your fine" he said dismissing the idea of my protest "Go have kiri treat you, we'll talk later"

Kiri, now also seeing my injuries for the first time, ran over and grabbed my hands to get a closer look. I flinched involuntarily at the spike of pain that shot through my hand at her action.

"Dad's right" She said now on even more of a mission than before "You need to get treated so these dont become infected! Lets go"

Tuk skipped up to us and grabbed my wrist on my other side to aid in pulling me away from the other members of our family and towards the tent our grandmother was in. Mother who stayed behind with father, Neteyam and Lo'ak gave an approving nod at me as we left them. I could vaguely make out more of what was said as voices were once again raised behind me, before i decided on blocking them out completely.

...

"Jesus Kiri cant you be a little more gentle"

"Oh so this hurts but when you were digging your nails into your palms, which already had fresh wounds on them, might i add, it didnt?" She said sarcastically. "Because i honestly doubt it hurts more than that"

I bit my tongue, feeling like i had sort of just shot myself in my own foot at her comparison.

"What's this i hear, big sis cant take the pain from a little healing herb." Spider who appeared out of seemingly nowhere like a stray cat said jokingly.

'Ah, Spider' i thought

He who had as many problems as i in this family. If you could even call him a part of it. Of course, i did, we all did, all except one. And that one person made it very hard for me to fully accept spider as part of the family, because how could i completely let my guard down when i know my mother does not feel the same, how she does not think of him as one of hers. How she looks at him, its not like how she looks at us, at her children.

I think i was the first of my siblings to realise this as it was around the time my eyes had been opened, opened because of my own problem that i could not ignore. My eyes that had been recently opened saw past the things that a person that age should not have been able to quite yet. Like my glossed over eyes filled with childhood wonder started to see, truly see, for the first time. See past the world that my parents had created for my happiness, and past the saftey that they gave me. Its like in one swift motion i jumped out of that safety net, like a baby bird jumping out of its nest before its mother has taught it to fly.

And i saw how mother looked at him, at Spider. I saw how she looked at him and only saw one thing when she did. Human. Demon.

To her he was one of them and always would be and i truly did not know if that would ever change. If even my father could not change her mind when he accepted Spider as one of his own, i feared no one could. Even when father was living proof that not all humans were demons.

I think thats how it grew. The uneasiness inside of me. In the back of my mind, hidden in the shadows fuling it to get bigger and bigger. When my eyes had been stripped clean and i finally saw through the hollow words that were 'i will always love you, no matter what' and i saw something that could smudge it. A stain, that could make even mother turn away from me.

Especially when that thing is a part of you.

As a child when you first find that out, at an age not yet able to comprehend and figure out the right path in such a situation, you could very well end up taking the wrong one. When you hide it away and therefore have no guidance on the matter, you end up taking matters into your own hands.

Hide it away so it can never be found, so your fears can never be realised. Put up a wall so they cant see through and find it hiding on the otherside, like a dog in a cage, eager to be let out, like a dam about to break, that could burst open with enough cracks.

"You zoned out again." Spider seemed to need to point out

"Its called thinking. You should try it sometime" i countered 'Wow that was such a cringy comback' i thought

But Kiri laughed as she finished up aplying the healing remedy to my wounds and proceeded to bandaged them tightly with thick woven leaves. Grandmother watched her through the process from the cornor of her eye as she worked grinding herbs for more remedies just a little ways away from where we were sat in the tent.

She was no doubt checking to make sure Kiri was doing her work as a healer properly and efficiently. We all knew how seriously grandmother takes her job as a healer and as a mentor for other young healers, just starting out who she can pass all her tips and tricks onto. To them she could pass on her special recipies that she has built up from years of being a healer, give them advice and ensure that the next generation of the clans healers would be well prepared for any future events.

Spider made a face at me, acting like he was offended and hit me lightly on the shoulder with his fist. Yes, he was my brother all right. I was sure of it. I just wasn't as sure as to if i could show it outright in front of mother. Especially with the added presure of my earlier realisation. If wheather or not mother had higher expectations of me than to just fit into the na'vi peoples version of normal, which i tried so hard to be, to the point of exhaustion, but deep down knew i was not.

I was not like the other na'vi people, i was not like my mother or my siblings, some of whom had the features of humans from father but never acted in a way that was not like the people. I was not even like father who was once a human and was even born and raised on Earth, the humans planet. Even if he was, he was now Toruk Macto, a true na'vi, perhaps even the truest given his title. I dont have their trueness, their strong connection to eywa that makes them part of the people.

I had never spent more time than i had to around Spider when i was a child. For what i thought were the right reasons, for my sake, so that i would not become more human than na'vi, so i could lock that part of myself in the deepest cornor of my heart.

As a very young child, before my eyes lost their gleem, before they were opened to the truness of the world around me, i had been just like Lo'ak. Perhaps a little more refined, unlike him i never fought with Kiri and i never tried to rival Neteyam as he did either. But i was high in energy and would often be found troublesome and in bad situations as i ran everywhere my brothers went and did as they did. Lo'ak and i were almost never separate from each other, almost joined at the hip at that time. Willingly or not.

The only time we were not to be found making all kinds of trouble together was when Kiri and i would go off on our own or when we were being taught to hunt, me by our mother and lo'ak by father. I would mess and run and play with them all, Spider included. Although as twins we definitely had our fair share of scruffs, i was alot closer to Lo'ak, to them, than i am now. Thats not to say we are not close now because thats not true.

But i guess thats just how growing up works, we tend to become independant, from our parents and even each other. Thats also the diffrence between me and them though, the people, all the people are one, through eywa. They are one big family, one safe space, where even the toughest are open with each other with eywa as their guide. This shows how human i really am, how i can hardly connect to eywa, so i cant connect to the people, i cant share my emotions with them, my burdens.

As i grew older, I would sit aside when my siblings would play with spider. I stopped going to star gaze with Kiri, i shut out anything that could possibly have the opposite effect of what i wanted.

Lo'ak and Kiri grew closer, to the point that sometimes i wondered if those two were twins instead of Lo'ak and i. Lo'ak remained troublesome while i became stonefaced and unreadable. That ended up boiling down to 'girls mature faster than boys' in my parents minds. Kiri even shared the human traits that lo'ak had gotten from father which i never inherited. Like having four fingers instead of three and having eyebrows when normal na'vi people dont.

Lo'ak and i never talked about our feelings together when we were kids. We just werent the type to do so, but i think we sort of just knew, a twin thing. Its like how i knew that his apperance and the rumors he said didnt bother him actually did. Though i was never sure if he felt this as well. Nevertheless he was still my brother, we were still twins. We shared the same blood, the same DNA, the same soul, even if we did not share all the same human features.

Kiri and i talked about everything together when we were younger but she was my younger sister, like Tuk, i couldnt put the weight of my feelings my problems onto her shoulders.

The one i would always go to when i was younger was Neteyam, mabey this was why father always came down so hard on him about the responsibility of us. To me Neteyam always felt like the one i could rely on, the eldest, who would have the answers to all my problems. He made me feel like i could rely on him which in turn ment as i grew he made me feel the weakest out of all my siblings.

Mabey thats why i pushed him away from me. That was probably it. I had no reason to push him away otherwise. There was nothing human about him that i tried to run away from. Actually he reminded me of my mother the most. Caring, loving, determined but change the circumstances and they could be ferocious.

Soon after i was all bandaged up we were joined by a grim looking Neteyam and Lo'ak. They strode into the tent and were sat down, or more like almost tackled to the ground, by Kiri immediately after arriving so she could check their wounds.

Father and mother came around as the sky was begining to darken, seemingly to have finished any other responsibilities they had after getting back. I noticed them out of the corner of my eye just a little ways away having a conversation that was just out of ear shot. I thought back to how angry father was about what happened. How angry he was at Lo'ak and Neteyam especially but how even so he had Neteyam ride in front of him on the way back home on his ikran. Almost like he was trying to shield him with his own body against anything else that might want to harm his son. He helped him down from said ikran, perhaps subconciously but nevertheless an action i didnt miss seeing out of the corner of my eye and just like how mother tried to do for me.

(Change of Pov : Jakes Pov)

"What is it?" I asked.

"Neteyam and Lo'ak try to live up to you. It is very hard on them" Neytiri replied.

"You are very hard on them" she turned from where she was looking through the opening of the tent and walked slowly towards me.

"I am their father. Its my job." I stated, reloading my gun as i sat on the ground.

"This is not a squad. It is a family." She said definitively, crouching down to where i was sitting to look me in the eye in hopes to gets her point across more.

"I thought we lost him" I said earnestly in a whisper. Able to show my most vulnerable side and inner most thoughts and doubts with the person i shared my life with.

That earned me a sympathetic look from my mate. She placed her hand on mine in a effort of comfort and knowing.

I had promised myself a long time ago that i would never again let anything happen to this family, to our family. Neytiri's and mine. Since the destruction and collapse of home tree and the war with the humans. Since i mated with Neytiri for life and since i first found out she was pregnant.

I had never felt those words be in danger as much as i did today. My promise had never come so close to falling short, to falling through my grasp on them and it would have been my fault if they did. It was my decision to bring them with us today and it would have been my fault if they got badly injured or worse in the process. And for that i never would be able to forgive myself.

I felt a pair of eyes lingering on me from behind and i turned around slightly to make out who those eyes belonged to. I turned only to catch a glimpse of my eldest daughter as she turned her head away from our direction and towards her siblings. I saw Mo'at applying a healing remedy to Neteyams wounds as he flinched away from her hand and grumbled some annoyances in the process. He took Y/n's bandaged hands in his and proceeded to look over them as if he could see if she was badly injured or not through the bandages.

Lo'ak seemed to think the same thing as me and proceeded in pointing it out to Neteyam, laughing in the process. Neteyam who i was sure hated the feeling of his younger brother, who made a point to rival him, making a fare point, turned towards Kiri and looked like he started to ask a series of questions. I assumed he was probably now trying to learn how hurt Y/n was from Kiri who had a knowledgeable perspective as a healer and was the one who treated Y/n instead of trying to magically be able to see through the bandages that encased Y/n's hands.

Neytiri followed my gaze and i saw a familiar look pass over her face as she looked at our children, a motherly one, one of love. Spider had learned to make himself scarce most of the time Neytiri was around. He seemed to have gone off on his own, walking through the camp.

"You should talk to her" Neytiri said softly, my attention was turned back to my mate.

It took me a moment to realise what she ment as my mind had been on Spider rather than what, or rather who, i had been looking for when i glanced over. It had been Y/n who had been watching me from behind.

"She doesnt like to talk" i replyed

"To you? Or just in general?" Neytiri said with an innocent smile

I frowned slightly at her. She knew as well as i did that Y/n was not the same girl she had been when she was a child. Yes, thats how it worked, i know it did. I myself was definitely not the same as i had been when i was a child. Nevertheless it was hard to know what she was thinking now. When she was younger she was just like how Lo'ak had been and how he still is now. They were both troublesome and she ran after him as he did Neteyam. You could even say that Lo'ak was almost what Neyeyam was for him but for Y/n. They both were so ambitious and energetic.

Although as Y/n grew she stopped following them around. She stopped going out late at eclipse with Kiri too, which at first i was pleased about to be honest, since so many times i had to drag them both back home and wrangle them into our hammock to sleep. Now though i wasnt so sure it was a good thing.

She doesnt communicate with Neytiri or i as much as she used to anymore either. I guess mabey at the start i just thought it was her growing up. It started from a young age but it was always said that girls matured faster than boys. Neytiri comfirmed this and i couldnt tell myself, (as even though i had been put in a diffrent body than my original, i had yet to be in the body of a teenage girl or have their mindset), so i had no reason to push any further on a matter i didnt know much about. It was slight at first, hardly noticeable but by the time she became a teenager it felt like we had somewhat drifted apart.

She may not communicate as much to myself and Neytiri anymore but at least from where i stood it seemed, in the way she acted, that nothing much had changed with her siblings. That they hadnt drifted apart from her as we did, theyre dynamic had stayed the same as they grew up. They could still depend and rely on each other as siblings, even if they still bickered and fought along the way. Of course, that was only what i saw from my perspective. I had no way of knowing if what i saw was the truth. It was just like the way Y/n's said 'im fine' , i could never really tell if it was the truth or not anymore even though it was so easy when she was a child to see what she was thinking, what she was feeling.

I know Neytiri also thought about this. I had told her about how i missed how close we were when she was younger. We would always venture out into the forest together.

The memory came rushing back to me and I remembered it vividly. We would walk hand in hand, when she was a child, her little hand wrapped around my pinky finger. Something she did since she was a baby, something that made me glad i had that extra finger. The first thing she did when i first layed eyes on her after she was born was latch onto my pinky finger and not let go like if she did she wouldnt be safe. That moment changed my life, my first babygirl, and i was gonna make sure id protect her. Id protect all of them.

I gathered myself and my thoughts and decided that it was time to make do on the words i said earlier.

"I said i would talk to her after she went with kiri to get her wounds treated and im going to now" i said, noticing Mo'at had finished with Neteyams treatment and had left the tent.

I felt Neytiri's gaze on me as i stood up and made my way over to our children. Coming into earshot of them they seemed to have relaxed since earlier, now messing around with each other as usual. I was glad that they didnt seem to be too badly affected by what happened on the outing earlier. I didnt want to ruin their time together by butting in but i had said i would talk to Y/n and i couldnt put it off any longer for fear i might actually end up changing my mind.

Its weird, you can have fought in many battles and even wars but still be more anxious to talk to your teenage daughter, when youre a parent. Even if you try to give them the safest and happiest childhood possible there are things that you cant always see. Things that are hidden on the outside and concealed within. Because no parent is perfect, you can never get things right all the time, its just not possible, no matter how hard you try. You can only try your best. Thats all you can do and thats all you should expect from them in return.

"Kiri go over and help your grandmother treat the rest of the wounded, take your brothers with you, they can make themselves useful" i urged so i could have some needed alone time with my eldest daughter.

☆☆☆

Please write in the comments if you want a part 3 because i need to stay motivated and its so hard, im so tired 🥲

Although, its my birthday this weekend so part 3 will probably be out next weekend-ish or later, i hope you guys understand.

Also please be patient with me. I am still very new to this. I havent even been on the tumblr app for more than like a month or two, and this is only my second post. I even had too look up how to tag people💀. Any tips would help, thanks.

Submissions are now also open, i think, (if I've done it right), so i would love to take a look at any requests or ideas you might have or want me to do. Bye lovelies. 🤗

@bongwaterflavoredgatorade @octopi-on-drugs @bobojojoba69 @pearlrosegardener @thicc101q @lovelyygirl8 @abbersreads

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pastanest · 2 years ago

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A/N: you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @bakedcrispss - thanks so much!! ♡

a gif of Daryl looking down at us to set the mood ⤵️

Daryl x Short!Reader

- let’s start with how you met

- so Daryl was out on a hunt when he heard some commotion, something was moving fast towards him and just as he realised which direction the sound was coming from, you quite literally ran into him

- and when you ran into him, you bounced back and fell right on your ass, while Daryl just scowled down at you

- so there you were, staring up at him

- and then you stood up, and there you were, still staring up at him

“Sum’ followin’ you?” Daryl asked, glancing off in the direction you’d ran from.

“Only dead ones, but my knife broke so I had to run to get them off my trail. Sorry about running into you.” The apology was awkward, but Daryl just nodded.

- he considered correcting you, sarcastically saying he should be the one apologising since he was apparently in your way and knocked you over, but he thought it was too soon for a dig at your height

- Daryl waited a few seconds to see if he could hear any walkers coming after you, and when he couldnt, he skulked off

- much to his surprise, you followed him, and he found that he could barely hear you creeping up behind him because of your lack of height and therefore heavy steps

“So, what’s your name?” You asked, definitely taking Daryl by surprise, but he hid it well.

“Daryl.” He answered shortly. haha y’all see what I did there

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Daryl! Im (Y/N). Do you have a group or a place to stay? ‘Cause if not, there’s logically a better chance of us surviving if we stick together.”

- he didnt want anyone following him, much less someone who didnt even see a man directly in front of them that they then ran into. he didnt even know if you could handle yourself. Daryl assumed that what you really meant was you were more likely to survive sticking with him because he’d save your ass

“Got a group an’ a place.” He said, hoping to throw you off, but he quickly realised his own mistake.

“Oh, that’s great! Do you, uh...maybe have room for one more?”

- have room? Daryl had to hold back a laugh, you could live comfortably in the average sized closet and you were asking if his group had room for you?? he, again, refrained from making such comments, and decided to stay professional

“How many walkers you killed?”

“Havent kept count, but some. I can usually sneak away from them, Im pretty good at getting into small hiding places.”

- Daryl looked down at you, struggling to tell whether you were insecure about your height and whether making jokes would be okay, or whether you would get insulted and sad and think your height a weakness

- in response, you rolled your eyes

“Daryl, do you really think I’ve gone my entire life blissfully unaware of being a short-ass? It’s not something I can change, so I work with what I’ve got, but sometimes I run into dudes and knock myself on my ass.”

- and much to Daryl’s absolute shock, that last part made him laugh

“That a regular hobby o’ yers?” He teased.

“Oh yeah, try to squeeze a collision in at least once a month.” You replied with a grin.

- and so your friendship was established

- when the two of you got back to the prison, you saw the people at the gate and in the guard tower and sighed because you knew from a distance they’d think Daryl had brought back a kid

- still, the small group that greeted you were welcoming enough. Maggie and Glenn were both very sweet, and as was Rick, but you’re certain you werent the only one to notice that his teenage son Carl was almost the same height as you

- you fit into the prison nicely, offering to help out wherever you could and getting to know as many people as possible. Daryl was fascinated by how easily you seemed to make friends, especially since you made friends with him in a matter of seconds

- Daryl was your favourite person to hang out with, you loved asking him questions and finding out things about him. he was far from the most open person when it came to talking about himself, but when you’d stroll over and sit on his bike, kicking your legs in the air because you couldnt reach the ground and giving him that damn smile, Daryl found it increasingly difficult to resist giving you anything and everything you wanted

- he definitely had a soft spot for you, and at first he hated that

- you’d wave at him when he was up in the guard tower and before he could even consider his own response, he would be waving back at you with a stupid smile on his face like some friendly dumbass

- one time Rick was coming up behind you and caught sight of the way Daryl waved at you, so Rick waved up at him to tease him and Daryl flipped him off

- once you’d earned the group’s trust, it was difficult for them not to notice how useful your lack of height could be in certain situations

- whenever one of the kids got a toy stuck in an inconveniently tight space, you would be the adult they summoned

- but equally, when the group found a decently large herd of walkers that they wanted to lead away from the prison, they looked to you as the first person to run by them and get to the other side of the herd, because you were the least likely to be spotted

“Naw, ‘s not happenin’.” Daryl shook his head, and Rick sighed.

“It’s the smartest play, you know it is.”

You nodded. “Yeah, and I’ve got no problem with it. At the start if this thing, all I did was run and hide, it’s what Im good at.”

- Daryl scoffed and stormed off, not even slightly onboard with you being the one in the most dangerous position of that whole thing. he knew it was the best option, but he would rather anybody else took that job and you stayed home. Daryl couldnt understand why he was so angry at the thought of you being in danger, but worst of all...when had he started referring to the prison as ‘home’?

- obviously, you ran after the big bad angry crossbowman, and soon enough you were walking at his side

“Why have you always gotta walk so fast?! Takes a lot for these little legs to keep up, y’know!”

- a small smile curled at the corner of Daryl’s mouth, and you nudged him playfully

“That’s better. Now, you wanna tell me what that was all about?”

- Daryl shrugged, having never been one to put his feelings into words without Merle calling him a pussy before he’d even opened his mouth, but you wouldnt do that to him, Daryl knew that, so he tried

“Jus’ don’...don’ want you t’ be in danger.” He managed, and your eyes softened as they stared up at him.

“Daryl, you’ll be on the other side of the street-“

He cut you off by shaking his head. “Ain’ enough. Sum’ could still happen.”

You rolled your eyes. “I can handle myself.”

Daryl was quiet for a moment, choosing his next words carefully, and he decided to test the water.

“Ain’ much t’ handle.”

- you were silent, and Daryl immediately regretted what he’d said. you stopped walking, and he turned to look at you, trying to piece together your reaction from how wide your eyes were

“Was that...a short joke?”

- Daryl could only nod, very quickly realising that this was neither the time nor the place to make a joke, the mood was completely off and he couldnt explain why he decided to do it if he tried

- but then, you burst out laughing

- once you’d calmed down, you explained to Daryl that you heard every short joke in existence throughout school, but once you became an adult the jokes died out, in the workplace it wasnt professional or whatever. but you missed the jokes even then, and when the world changed, there were even less of them. it had been years since anyone had made an actual joke about your height

- so, Daryl made it his mission to make playful jokes about it whenever he could after that

“Anyone seen (Y/N)?” He’d ask when you were standing right in front of him, he’d look over your head and pretend to look around for you until he couldnt resist glancing down at you and laughing.

“Rain’s eased up, gonna go out on a hunt, it’s hot out there now. But how’s the weather down there?” Of course, Daryl Dixon found a way to incorporate the classics.

“Best stay behin’ me, cant promise I wont think yer a mouse out there an’ shoot ya by mistake.” He teased whenever you walked next to him on a hunt.

“Daryl, I swear, I will spin your jaw if you dont shut up.” You’d say, and Daryl would smirk.

“If ya can reach.”

And you’d sigh. “Fine, I’ll just bite your ankles.”

“Sure ya can reach those?” Daryl would answer effortlessly, knowing he could continue forever.

“Daryl I SWEAR-“ You’d yell, and he’d burst out laughing.

- anytime anyone around you used the words “little”, “small”, “shorter”, Daryl found a way to spin it on you

“We should take this road, it’d be shorter-“ Rick began, and then he closed his eyes in a pained blink, waiting for what he knew was coming.

Daryl smirked, diverting his gaze from the map on the hood of the car and glancing down at you beside him.

“Shorter, huh. Remin’s me o’ someone.”

- anytime anyone asked anyone “what’s up” you could guarantee that from somewhere else in the prison, you would hear Daryl Dixon yell out “NOT (Y/N)!”

- secretly he found your lack of height to be very endearing, the way you looked up at him was adorable, the ease with which you could jump on his back at anytime for a piggyback ride without fatally wounding him, the fact that the cliché short-problem of having to ask someone else to reach stuff for you and Daryl usually being the closest person for you to ask. he loved it, and he made sure to remind you with a series of cute height-related petnames

“‘ey, mouse, c’mon, aint got all day.”

“Been lookin’ all over for you, li’l one, where ya been?”

“Listen, small person, ya better ease up on that tone with me.”

- later on when your relationship progressed, Daryl introduced the petname of “doll” cuz thinks you’re small and cute like a doll, but he only uses that petname in softer moments between you, like if you’re upset or he’s tired

- and he didnt see your height as a weakness either. once you’d joined him for a few hunts, Daryl could see that you really could handle yourself, you were a strong fighter, he had no doubts there. but he couldnt help worrying that you were just a little more fragile because of how small you were, it was a natural worry to have, all things considered, and you loved his protectiveness of you, so you definitely werent complaining

- the only problem with Daryl’s protectiveness was that it extended to him wanting to beat the shit out of anyone else who joked about your height

- Rick, Maggie, Beth, Hershel, Glenn, Carol, Michonne- the entire core group as well as Tyereese because he’s a fkin unit, they were all allowed to make fun of your height, but anyone else who tried had a death wish

- sometimes new arrivals would be stupid enough to voice their opinions on you being inferior and incapable because of your height when Daryl was nearby. they’d joke about wondering how you made it this far, assuming you’d been living safely since the start otherwise you wouldnt have made it, assuming everyone around you needed to protect you because you were a liability

- and Daryl would be there in an instant

“The hell’d you just say?!” He’d growl from your side.

“Anyone built like that cant even reach the top shelf, let alone survive in a world like this! It’s survival of the fittest, plain and simple!” The idiot would be stupid enough to say, laughing through his own explanation.

And then Daryl would knock him to the ground a lot less playfully than he knocked you to the ground on the day you met, he’d be on top of the idiot and punching him until someone (usually Rick) pulled him off.

You’d be there right away, standing on your tiptoes to hold Daryl’s face in your hands and calm him down. He’d rest his forehead against yours and ask if you were alright, if the idiot had hurt your feelings ‘cause “if he did I’ll go right back over there an-“ and you’d say no. You’d take him back to your cell and clean up his split knuckles while Daryl just watched you, utterly mesmerised.

And then you’d sit on his lap, his arms wrapping around you without him having to think about it.

“What would I do without you?” The question would pass your lips quietly, as though truly bewildered by wondering what life would be like without Daryl in it.

“Hear a lot less jokes.” He’d reply, his voice rumbling in his chest, you’d feel it through his shirt, against your palm.

You’d laugh, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. “And be a lot leas happy.”

#daryl dixon #daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon imagine #imagine #imagines #x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #headcannon #headcannons

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iamthejam · 4 months ago

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i need to rant about sam right quick.... more specifically the whole demon blood era cause OH MY GOSH.

sam thought he was doing the right thing yet everything warned him against it: dean, bobby, catiel, angels, HIMSELF, yet his mindset was if he kept a level head he could keep going, but how can you tell if youre going insane?? youre not gonna be like "hey myself, yeah this is totally wrong." sam knew he was helping people. HOW could you stop helping people, doing your job??? he had so much trust in ruby, which saddens me HOW much trust. dean was dead. he wasnt coming back. how is sam supposed to cope with that normally?? the only person he loved more than anything, the person he'd been through everything with, the person that was the thing only grounding him in the insane life they live in. with that gone how are you supposed to go on? well after doing quite literally everything he thought of trying to get dean back, he had no hope. but he needed something to take the place of dean, which ruby had taken the chance in sams weakened state and slipped in. now tell me how sam wasnt going to trust her?? he was blinded, to everything. he did the one thing he knew to do: save people. when someone tells you can save more people, wouldnt you take the opportunity?? sam did.

like i said earlier, he was blinded, so he really couldnt see he was slowly turning himself into something he promised himself he wouldnt, all he saw was the people he saved. when dean finally came back he didnt stop, i mean why would he? he kept going, and going and going, at this point he had almost completely lost himself. it didnt matter that he had dean, he had already come to reality that dean was gone.

now DONT GET ME STARTED ON DEAN FINDING OUT. how could dean not freak? now its deans turn to come to reality: his little brother is addicted to demon blood. what? his sammy?? no, no his sammy wouldnt do that... right? i mean he would see that ruby is no good. right? he would see past the people he was saving and know he was turning himself into a freak. right!?! no. it wasnt his sam. now what is dean supposed to do? it obviously wasnt his brother, his brother wouldnt do that.

so he and bobby did what they thought was the best attempt to help him: cage him. like a violent animal, which was what sam was slowly becoming.

now if you think that was hard for dean to do, think about sam. sam was being thrown into a panic room because his family thought he was a freak. he was helping people why couldnt they see that? and why couldnt sam see he was losing himself? everybody thought they knew what was best. they thought was right.

i just cant see. how are you supposed to cage your brother without even talking? how are you supposed to think drinking demon blood was for the greater? i cant see a right here.

when sam was in the bunker room the demon blood threw the last punches it could. it made sam hallucinate, it made him think mary was on his side, that dean and bobby were only scared of his power, it made his younger self talk him down, it made dean say nasty things. it threw him around the room like a rag doll. it made him believe allister was torturing him in the worst ways possible. all this happened as he screamed and screamed; no one came. the people he loved left him to die it felt like.

so when he got free why wouldnt he run as far as he could? as far away from bobby and dean as he could get, mentally and physically.

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twilghtkoo · 2 years ago

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no more games

pairings. haechan x (f) reader, bf!haechan tiktok series couple !!

genre. fluff

warnings. none

note. this is based off of this tiktok i saw I COULDNT HELP MYSELF I HAD TO WRITE THIS

—

“why won’t you cuddle with me?” haechan whines, poking your side making you jerk under your blanket.

you grab the end of your blanket and yank it closer to your chin as you lie on your side, your back towards him.

“because i’m mad at you still.” you answer him, shutting your phone off, you close your eyes and pretend to fall asleep.

he groans as he squirms behind you. “over a stupid game? you sound like me right now.”

“a stupid game? haechan we almost won but then you jumped off the cliff with the key! you weren’t taking it seriously.” you pointed.

you don’t see him, but he raises his eyebrows as he stares down at you. of all the times you’ve scolded him for being overly competitive on games, this was a sight.

haechan had bought a game on his switch that he wanted to try out with you, a pretty simple multiplayer game that you both could play together. besides the name calling and harmless threats, the game pico park was sure worth the 4.99. he’s never seen you so determined playing a game before. not even when you both played minecraft and you died by a creeper and lost all your stuff deep in a cave.

your little jumps and cursing at the screen was adorable and he wish he had three arms so he could’ve recorded you on his phone.

he’s used to renjun’s scolding online so yours didn’t stab his heart. besides right now. he’s tired and wants to nap with you in his arms but you won’t let him.

haechan smirks as he leans over, his face inches away from yours as he tries to nuzzle his nose to find your lips or cheek from under the blanket to steal a kiss.

“baby you’re really cute when your annoyed, i’ve never seen you take a video game so seriously.” the tip of his nose meets your soft skin and he takes his chances and places his lips on your cheek, letting them linger for a bit.

you ignore the heat that creeps to your cheeks from his affection.

realization waking you up.

you turn your body over to face him, your eyes staring up at him.

“oh my god, i’m acting weird aren’t i?” you ask, bewildered.

before haechan can reply, you speak again. “i’m never playing that stupid game again.” you tell him sternly.

he pouts, “aw, but i wanted to see you and renjun play together.”

you roll your eyes and finally accept haechan into your arms. as if he’s a cub and your the mama bear, haechan cooes and shoved his way under the blanket with you, curling into your chest and wrapping his arms and legs around you, making you giggle.

“you know it’s scientifically proven that sleeping next to the person you like helps you fall asleep faster, reduces your depression and makes you live longer.” haechan says randomly, your eyes closed but your hand is still combing through his ball of hair.

“oh really? and where did you read this from?”

he sniffs, “don’t worry about it, just trust me.”

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permetutotheworld · 2 months ago

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unrequited marylene marlene’s pov where she writes about it

requested by @nyx-taylors-version

This is stupid i dont even know why im doing this but Lily said it would help so here we are. I like mary.

That didnt help and lily is a dirty liar

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she smiled at me today and called me over, i dont want anyone but her to say my name ever again

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there’s a party tonight in the tower, i’m going with Mary as friends. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. But then again, you never know, mary’s never said she’s straight explicitly! Lily says im being delusional but a girlie’s gotta be a little crazy sometimes

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she likes a boy. Im not a boy. Ill be okay, it’s just a silly crush she means everything to me

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im need to get over Mary i can’t go on like this it hurts too much, every time she smiles at me a knife twists in my gut and im winded for a second and i hate it

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she’s leaving. Shes leaving hogwarts. Her family is leaving for america to avoid the war i cant i dont how can i i dont care.

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is it wrong to wish i’d never met her? To wish i never had the chance to fall in love like her? Probably but she’s anyway so it doesnt matter. I wish she wasnt leaving

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she’s leaving today and i feel like im dying, everyone’s crying but i just can’t make myself, what’s wrong with me? My best friend is leaving for another continent and i can’t even being myself to shed a tear or two

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shes gone. she left and i couldnt even look her in the eye. she was sobbing and it killed me to see her upset but i coulnd’t do anything but hug her and wish i lived in a universe where Mary Macdonald didnt like boys

and now she’s gone, and a part of me left with her.

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i miss her

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three years later, 1981

mary, hi

marlene here, of course you’ll know that because of my shitty handwriting, mary i

everything’s gone to shit mary, lily and jamss are in hiding dorcas is dead gone and i miss you. Please come back don’t come back Mary its too dangerous, it would kill me if anything happened to you, you probably shouldn’t even reply to this, they’re checking all owls coming into the country, it really is a shit show over here

and mary, if anything happens to me, you’re my best friend in this world, i would do anything for you so please do this for me

stay away from britain. stay away from the war, get yourself the fuck away from all of this, even further than where you are now and live your life safely, please, i cant lose you

i have to go, peter’s knocking and it seems important

live a good life Mary Macdonald

love from

marlene

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

19th july 1981

the mckinnon’s were found dead early this morning by sirius black

We at the daily prophet extend our condolences to the friends and family members left behind.

#nyx yaps #Nyx writes #100 followers event #marylene #marlene #marlene mckinnon #mary macdonald #marauders

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kyuummie · 3 months ago

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read about my sons NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!’!

recently ive taken it upon myself to turn glitterduo (argbur and incelbur/simpbur) into my ocs, allen (he him) and salem (he she they) after realizing how much i was attached to them and might go as far as reclaiming even more relevant burs

theyre kind of like a gag anime with a broad plot that has only 50% to do with the actual episode youre watching. They just kind of exist and go through day to day things together because theyre buds. maybe you will like them too if you liked bur sonas…i just wanted to share something that gave me joy. theyre like if triple baka was double baka mesmerizer if it was awesome

who should be the third baka or the yellow one that wasnt in mesmerizer vote down below /hj

more random stuff about them under the cut

no salem is not an incel. Thought i should preface that LMFAO (i still think its crazy how much the fandom (using that term lightly cause of how fan driven the concept of burs were) “woobified” incelbur/simpbur seeing how much of a creep he apparently is. its ok i was a part of it and i never do anything wrong ^_^)

i originally had a really hard time trying to figure out a plotline for these two, my first draft “salmon alley” was about them being platonic soulmates and having to figure out how to live together. one, i didnt like the name cause it sounded to much like salmonella. Second, i didnt really know where to go with the soulmate thing and i didnt even know if i wanted to have a story for them

then, i wanted to go the unconventional route and make them little magical girls (“1-chance duet”) with the point of them being tied together as two magical girls who were destined to save, well, mentally unstable people 😭, before they could save themselves, and i gave salem a bunny hood which is where his current hat comes from

i might use some of this as au ideas or their general “plot”. but i kind of like them just being there and only serving as comfort and a source of joy? these two just Happened to both be my faves and also be created by some douche. so, if you were also a bur sona liker, youre like a sleeper agent 🕵️ maybe theyll go ghost hunting and find blue (gb). Travel back in time to find an old timey president at a bar (lmanbr). go a couple months forward to find him depressed, and deceased the next day (pogbr). maybe theyll be taken by the mad scientist who sent them back in time(malpractice). maybe theyll meet god himself (100p??). Hey allen why do all these guys look vaguely like us and all have brown shoulder length hair

i remember i had my designs for og glitterduo memorized like muscle memory, i have no idea how i got over them so quickly but when i was reminded of them i couldnt keep the demons inside…i drew arg all the time in class and i love edgy characters so he was my perfect little guy. i might still refer to them (especially allen) as arg/incel/simp. Maybe this is another 2 week phase but i love them

also, i dont know what to call their “series”. i have two in mind: amygdala’s resonance/just amygdala, or hatena (as in question mark) but i think amygdala seems way too dark and edgy for what im thinking

#cw eye contact #bursonas #BUT DONT TAGTHEM AS THAT 🖕#hatena ocs #amygdala ocs #oc #this is me screaming for my brethren in a foreign land #kae arts

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the-owl-house-takes · 1 year ago

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I COULD TALK ABOUT HOW THE SHOW LIKE COMPLETELY REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE GUS EVER!!!.

i can talk about how RECENTLY, in a panel, they were asked “how would they react if Luz died?” and they gave amity, willow, HUNTER more detailed answers than GUS. they said, “gus and everyone else would be sad” or some shit.

i can talk about how they literally never talk about him, OR his v/a! and when they do its bs (above). i hope its clear that they got BOSCHA and KIKIMORAS V/As, aka two characters nobody actually gives a flying shit about (the actors are rlly nice though no shit on them), on an interview, but not gus?? really??

i can talk about how, even with the episodes being FOCUSED ON HIM, he gets overshadowed by other characters. whether purposefully or not (who am i kidding, its always on purpose lmao). like in labyrinth runners, he gets overshadowed by hunter and amity, and in through the looking glass graveyard, they put a FUCKING lumity kiss.

i can talk about how in WAD, when luz was in her dream, all of the characters had outfits that correlated to how luz “came into their life and changed it” or whatever, but gus is wearing is GROM SUIT, why? because the show IGNORES HIM THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, and he never gets a ‘big moment’ with luz unlike everyone else!

i can talk about how it takes until the LAST MINUTES of THE LAST EPISODE for him to get a new haircut, and the fact they couldnt even animate his hair right in the beginning anyways. not like they cared to!

i can talk about how it feels like he was literally just thrown in there for black representation, and they dont do shit anyway!!!! hes the only ‘main’ black character (excusing darius and ig willow who is blasian but. on average, nobody would really know that abt her anyway)

i can talk about how all the canon ships are poc x white, yet gustholomule, poc x poc, literally gets ignored too. like how did fucking aladarius and huntlow get a chance?? i know gm is really just an opinion (and probably always will be) but they had so much chemistry compared to the other two. cmon, the fuck? everyone else gets a partner but not him? and if hes every confirmed to be aroace, itll just be another stab in the gut. Im aroace myself, and lillith was already ENOUGH bad representation!! if he was aroace, it would literally just be one excuse to why they ignored him and his chance on having a potential partner. not to mention they completely glaze over his short lived crush on bria.

sorry the rant was so long, i could go into more depth but i wont and theres defo a lot i missed but whatever. but i guess my take really is THE CREW FUCKING SUCKS ASS AND GUS DESERVES BETTER!!!!! (also mb if anything is written weird im tired raah)

#the owl house #toh #gus porter #toh critical #long post

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lennyblaxk · 4 months ago

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My take on i saw the tv glow

It was beautiful. Well crafted in every way thats humanly possible and conceivable. When i watched it the first time, i was very confused. I wondered why did it in a such a heart wrenching way. Why didnt he get the end he wanted? Craved? I was left with more questions than answers. And then i watched it again. All of my questions were answered. They were trapped not just physically, but mentally. They were in bodies that werent theirs. They didnt ask for that. They didnt want to be who they were perceived as because that wasnt them. It wasnt at all them. They were screaming for help when no one was listening. They were dying, suffocating and starving in a life that they didnt want. Atleast not the way it was for them. They wanted to be free and who they were inside. They didnt want to be forced to live with the weight of a strangers life. They didnt want to be something they werent. All they wanted was a chance at being loved and cared for the way they really are. To others, they were freaks, damn near invisible and insignificant. Their lives didnt matter to others. They didnt get a second thought. All they had were each other. One was ready to leave but the other was scared. He was worried for anything and everytbing else but him. He didnt want to suffocate in the dirt that made his grave. He didnt want to die. Not like that. But he just couldnt leave what he knew for so long. That was his home, his safe place even when he wasnt safe. Even when his demise was right there. He had the choice to come out and be him. Be the best version of him but he stayed in. He hid and kept what looked like a dirty secret to himself. He was ashamed and confused and alone. All he wanted was to breathe on his own. But he couldnt. He just couldnt.

I dont want to be like him. I dont want to hide. Or cower in the corner. I want to be loud. I want to be seen. Not as who i “am”. No, but as who i want to be. Who i need to be before i suffocate on my own dirt. Im not going to let myself hide in the shadows because im afraid. Im going to be brave and seek out things i never have before. I always said i wanted to be like my parents, that idea died long ago. Im going to be better. Im going to be me. There will be no sin or fear attached to that. Because i am not a walking sin. I am me. I am leo.

#i saw the tv glow #this is me

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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AITA for returning a dog after only a couple days of owning him?

Some context, my partner (I'll call him Greg, 24m) and I (21 he/she) came to an agreement 3 months ago. The agreement was that if I got myself out of a depressive slump that had been straining our relationship for the past couple years, he'd get me a dog. I was overjoyed at this because I've wanted a dog ever since I was a kid, and it was probably the best motivation he could give.

I'm proud to say that I made a lot of progress, and I'm doing much better now. So, as promised, Greg agreed that I could get the dog. Maybe a little under a week after that, Greg found an adorable little chihuahua/dachshund mix online and we both excitedly prepared to adopt him. We arranged to meet him almost immediately, and he was adopted within 2 days.

I will admit, after Greg agreed to get the dog, I was having some doubts. I knew dogs were a lot of work and I didn't think we were ready to take on such a big responsibility, especially since we already had two cats to take care of. Greg was just so excited to find a dog for me, and I agreed to adopt the dog, but only because I couldnt think fast enough to stop and discuss my concerns. I was under the impression that this was what I wanted, so my doubts could just be chalked up to "new pet anxiety", so my brain went on autopilot and said "yes".

He was a perfect little guy, well behaved save for some anxiety, didn't bark at all, house trained, just a super sweet dog. However, it soon became apparent to us that he was SO much more work to take care of than we anticipated. We had to keep an eye on him all the time so he wouldn't chew or eat anything he wasn't supposed to, plus he had separation anxiety so he had to be in the same room as us at all times. One of our cats hated him, so we had to be sure the two of them were separated. Playing with him and walking him was easy and fun, but we had to do it every couple hours because chiweenies are a very energetic breed.

There was no time for me and Greg to have time to ourselves and each other, and the stress built up and I started to get cranky at little things. I even lashed out at Greg once, which is exactly something I had tried to work on during those 3 months. To add onto all this, a huge storm hit us and our living room flooded, and we're still in the process of undoing the damage. The stress since adopting him went on for a total of 4 days, but it felt like so much longer. I haven't cried so hard for so long in a really long time. Somewhere in that time I had made my doubts about adopting him known, which I still feel stupid for admitting them too late.

Greg says he feels incredibly guilty for the whole situation since he's the one who was so quick to pick out and adopt the dog. I said it was fine, and I should have forced myself to express my doubts earlier despite whatever anxieties were in the way. He said he had just wanted to give me something I'd always wanted and assumed that everything would be fine.

I want to make it clear that we're well aware that this has nothing to do with the dog, nor do we hate him or mistreat him. We've been taking good care of him and he's been having the time of his tiny life with us so far, which is why I'm so reluctant to give him back to the shelter. Maybe we could be good dog owners, but on the other hand, all the stress haopened so quickly and forcefully, and it was too much to ignore. Sometimes I couldn't even be in the same room with the dog because it hurt too much.

Me and Greg are returning him to repair our relationship, focus on ourselves and get us in a stable place, financially. We figure giving him back to the shelter will give him a chance to go to a better, nicer home that's actually ready for him, but I can't shake the feeling that maybe I should've given him a chance. I feel like ultimately this was the right choice but at the same time, I'm super unsure about how we handled the whole thing. AITA? Should we have kept the dog?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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philipszelda · 3 months ago

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oh my god i have to talk about this even if no ones listening.

I just saw what i thought was a bird fluttering around the store ramming into a shelf, turns out it was a moth!!

and if you know me, when it comes to bugs i can hardly bear to let them be when theyre inside. I just dont think its right that just because they got lost and made the mistake to ""trespass"" in human areas (which are claiming more and MORE) that they deserve what happens to them after.

and I'm a human too, so I feel even more when that something is just too beautiful to die in a way like that 💔 So i had to catch it.

I kinda followed it into the breakroom (thank god no one else was in there, because it makes it even harder explaining myself in these situations) but i couldnt reach it as it hopelessly rammed against each light fixture in there. So i kinda watched it until it finally flew low enough for me to reach, flying into somebodys coat.

Im sad i couldnt get a photo of it (or even a better look) because i didnt wanna miss my one chance to catch it, and i had to keep it tightly cupped in my hands cause it was flapping so hard to escape me, poor thing.

I walked it to the garden center and let it go and it flew off into the sky. I hope it lives long enough to have babies in a safer area.

Im trying to google what kind of moth it was but just believe me when i say it was literally the size of a small bird like a house robin. or a fat hummingbird (i did think it was a hummingbird at first actually)

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4uru · 1 year ago

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My personal problems:

My clusterfuck of a rant (ft. Cassandra clare)

Buckle up besties bc im about to trauma dump. Like actual baby gay trauma.

(@faithfromanewperspective you wanted to know, i dont think i can freestyle angst on an ask like i can on a post so here it is)

Tw: incest, gender dysphoria, homophobic parents, sexual assault.

In our country you have to give a board exam (goverment??? Exam??? Similar to SATs) at the end of your 5 grade. So you need a primary school certificate (PSC)

After my PSC, my parents fixed up my Tablet. And went to work., i sat on my leaving room couch with blankets and pillows for a whole month (there was a dent on the couch when i actually got up for 6th grade) and i surfed the internet in those weeks.

I saw the malec video on yt ( i didnt click on it and didnt think much of it)

So my friend told me to watch anime. Somehow searching 'anime' on yt lead me to an anime 'Super lovers' (yaoi, pseudo incest, pedophilic and rapey everything under the sun you can find, its in super lovers) also i was like 11. 5 years old at this point. I have no concept of whats right or wrong. And bc of these animes (theres so much of it) i thought incest was fine. I also got into Todobaku and bakudeku. And thats part was fine i was mainly watching edits on yt. Then i started reading yaoi mangas and wattpad stories and gacha vids (And yes incest is still featuring on these stories for the most part)

Somewhere along the line, i was like, this feels weird (it was a particularity bad wattpad story with incest i think) i was already consuming gay content for months by then. (I still hadnt started 6th grade mind you.) and my standard for content increased a bit. And i stopped engaging with incest fics and mangas completely. After i distanced myself from it i realised how fucked that was and moved on from it.

But i still engaged with gay content. Somehow i stumbled upon the malec vid again. I watched it. (The first time im seeing live action gay ppl on screen) then i got into thai bl. ("Love by chance" was my first) the thai bl scene was a bit better. Around this time i read bl, watched bl and started to research about gay culture and what not. I figured out i was attracted to girls before i even went back to school

When i went back to school I became friends with a girl (lets call her bunny) I knew bunny since 5th grade but i didnt talked to her that year. she was smart and cool and i had a bit of crush on her from afar.

(5th grade before gay awakening) One time in my school bus while guessing one of my "friends" crushes i asked if he had a crush on bunny, he laughed, i "joked" if i was a boy, i would grow up to marry her. That 'friend' emptied his water bottle on my head as a response.

In 6th grade, the first week (maybe 2nd /3rd January), bunny and i got selected for a group project along with other friends. Me and another friend went to bunny's house for the project. The other friend left. After that friend left bunny and I started to unpack our traumas for each other. Family troubles and what not. I (being the dumb bitch i am) told her that i liked her (and also the water bottle thing) and that i liked girls too (at this point I identified as bi)

In class 6 and of fuckery happend, but me and bunny became bsfs so fast, with in a day. And we were inseparable. I asked her out and she laughed in my face. And we laughed about it years later too. 6th grade ends with her being made at me for smth i didnt even do wrong and some other shit with out toxicest friened. (We werent hanging out by the end of the year)

(Also i finished all off the percy jackson and percy jackson spin offs in 6th grade) and i also told my dad that i liked girls too. He conveniently forgot it for the nest year.

I come back for 7th grade knowing I was bi or pan (couldnt decide which i identified with the most) i start hanging out with a group of boys. Then covid happens.

Lockdown at the begining was fine (terrified but fine) around the second month of lockdown some genderfuckery started to happen. I would forget my own gender (round the time i was falling asleep or waking up). I started consuming for trans stuff around this time. And i journaled on my sketchbook with doodles and cried on it. I had terrible dysphoria. And i didnt even have a name for it in the begining. And one day the pain became too much and i broke in front of my mother. I came out to her. She ignored me. (Muslim parents) she said i was just a tomboy and "theres nothing wrong with me" and other stuff. I was sure i was trans. And non binary (trans tiktok helped with that bit).

My dysphoria became worse as time went on. Just before time of my birthday. My step mother bought me some books i asked for (queer books) and it had Chain of Gold She saw that it had just come out and thought i would like it. So i was reading chain of Gold. And i didnt get shit. I maybe read 100 pages before i decided that i needed context. I went on goggle and searched the best ways to read cassandra clare books in order and they said that Series wise is best. So i started City of bones (worse mistake of my life)

It was on yt so i started with it first. I already knew before starting that jace and clary werent related and incest might come up. (I didnt know it was that levels of fucked in the books) i just saw a pinterest meme where it was said rather jokingly.

Anyway i finished the whole part one and two of The mortal instruments. I read it for Malec bc they were the only gay characters. I have 101 problems with this series but my most major one was Malec. So at this point in my life i was a closeted trans, (multispec) queer kid Something about reading Queer characters tell each other horrible things about bejng closted and bisexual made me hate myself more. Malec didnt not develope my internalized homophobia, it definately fueled it tho. After my birthday i got grounded (my parents found out the queer content i was engaging with. It was very traumatic. I came out to them and my dad to my face said that i am not queer, instead i am fetishizing queerness and i was engaging in perversion.)

Alot happend many times my parents tried to distance me from queer culture and media but gave up.

As 7th grade ended me and bunny reconnected (shit also happend when my mother read our chats)

Around 8th grade i cried and begged to my mother that i am not going to change and all that jazz, she didnt say anything. But she became more on gaurd, she would analyze my interactions with other girls differently (one time while riding in her scooty, i was in the back said and waved to a girl that was starting at me for some reason) my mother told my dad that shes afraid im flirting with girls AS IM ON THE SCOOTER WITH HER-

In class 8 bunny pulled some shit (i explained it in another post i think) also i finally watched the shadowhunter series show malec healed the wounds that book malec anf my parents left. I was for the most part okay i think (academic studies were my biggest problem)

In class 9 around second half of the year i joined tumblr (helped my mental health immense, finding other gay ppl) and i asked for a book from my step mother (it was a bangla book about a trans girl) my dad delivered it to me. And said that he got that i wasnt going to change (BC LORD KNOWS THEY TRIED) he told me to study well so i could go live abroad bc this country will have me dead. I agreed and took the book (i couldnt finish the book, it was too dark for me at times, i gave the book to bunny).

Bunny and my relationship is vented about in another post. I wont get it.

So my problem with cassandra clare happens for three major personal reasons, one of them i didnt even mention bc i still feel weird about it.

1. The Malec part.

2. The incest part : reading TMI made me relive that first part where i engaged with incestuous content. And just disturbed me to my core this time around EVENTHOUGH I HAD A MILD HEADS UP i didnt know the extent of its fuckery. I dont know why but it just turnt the disgust at incest meter up the roof. Like completely fucked my brain and i wasnt okay. (I was 13/14 my birthday fell in the middle)

3. The sexual assault of Aline.

(Tw: my SA)

As a child (9/10 yrs old) i was assulted in an crowded elevator, my dad was in the elevator, i didnt not see the assulters face. I just remember being sqished against the wall, with a mans hand jammed between my legs. I rember trying to flatten myself against the wall to get away from the hand but it woulnt stop. The hand was knuckles deep between my thighs. I didnt see the mans face. I dont rememeber what he looked like from the back. After we got out i told my dad. He barely reacted and said 'people are assholes'. I told my mother about it.... Earlier This year. I thought if i had told her, she wouldnt let me hang out with dad anymore. He was so nonchalant about it that i thought i was over reacting.

Reading the Aline SA scene fucked me up. It was the first time i had come across an SA scene in a book, before that it was lightly mentioned. In the Aline scene, my mind visualised the whole thing. And it nearly drove me to a panic attack. I was 13 at this point. And in the books it was never brought up again, like it was no big deal. Like it was normal. It was for shock value. And i fell for it.

And the rest of the tsc is still bad writing and i hated it. But tmi fucked right up mentally and yeah. I have other posts explaining my journey with it, under the tag auru's tsc rant. Those explain it better.

#auru's tsc rant

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