#i couldnt live with myself if there was even a chance...

[bleuberrygliscor]

Let me introduce yall to NSBE:

I attended a HBCU, I saw posters and magazines for them everywhere. I was awestruck, Determined to join and work with them, but just to better myself and get more opportunities for me, but because they VOCALLY state that they want to increase STEM opportunities for children too.

But somethings just not right... the posters and the people passing them out, they were military. There were photos of Naval engineers. Of Army I.T professionals. Of people working for places that I knew were not good news, places like Lockheed that sponsored my high-school Robotics team. Places I was told we couldn't refuse, they simply paid the best AND donated two chaperones to help with the mechanical side of things.

If you go into a field that can be weaponized, you will be. Your love will be turned into a monster, and you must pray that what good you intended will outlive the harm.

It never does. But it makes the job easier.

[carnival-core]

Hey not to make a political post but does it ever feel like we can just never win and the suffering will be forever and we're always going to have to fight with moments of peace being fleeting and not worth looking forward to

[orcelito]

Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this

[yutarot]

ride or die. l.jn smau

018 — for her, i am.

(a/n: u might wanna grab some popcorn for this one.)

JENO POV

“i know who leaked my secret.”

he had said it so quickly that he forgot the words had even come from his mouth.

jaemin stares at him, eyes wide in a mix of shock and weirdly, sadness.

but then jeno realises why. he had let jaemin be bullied, staying silent as all of his friends attacked him. he had done nothing.

jaemin didn’t care that jeno knew who it was, he didn’t care who had ruined jeno’s life, because jeno had ruined his. he thought that jeno thought it was him, he had assumed that’s why jeno did nothing, out of hatred, out of anger. but now, now it made no sense. jeno was meant to be his bestfriend.

jeno became angry at the thought. not at jaemin, but at himself. and he hadn’t even explained to him the whole story yet, he hadn’t even told him who it was.

jaemin spoke first after their silence.

“you better start explaining.” jaemin says, and rightfully so. jeno feels as if he should had done the explaining a while ago, he wanted to. but it all happened too quick. he never got the chance.

he doesn’t know why, but he feels like jaemin and him aren’t going to be the same after this. not after what he’s about to tell him.

jaemin grows inpatient, angry even.

“come on, jeno, im not gonna sit here and wait for the fucking grass to grow!!”

jeno says nothing still, and this only makes jaemin’s anger worsen. but he just doesn’t know what to say, how to word the sentence that will ruin their friendship.

“WHO WAS IT JENO?” jaemins grabbing his shirt at this point, and there’s nothing he can do but close his eyes and take it. “WHO WAS IT YOU HAD TO PROTECT SO MUCH TO THE POINT WHERE YOU HAD TO LET ME GET PUSHED AROUND, HUH? WHO SPILLED YOUR FUCKING SECRET, WHO DID YOU FEEL WAS SO SPECIAL TO YOU THAT YOU COULDNT SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE?!! WHO WAS IT, JENO?! WHO W-“

jeno’s heart races. his fists clench. his arms tense.

he snaps.

“IT WAS ME!”

jaemin stills.

he lets go of jeno’s shirt.

his eyes never divert from his, his last breath never leaving. they both stand in the apartment lobby, the cold air of outside, breezing through the window, half cracked open, the distant buzz of the vending machine whirring in the corner and the deep hue of the midnight sky absorbing the light from around them.

they’re silent, they’re still.

neither of them dare to speak.

until jeno notices jaemins face.

it’s not anger, it’s not sadness. it’s pity.

“it was me.” jeno’s voice is lower now. “i leaked my own identity.” he looks at the floor, in both solemnity and shame.

“why?” jaemin asks. “why would you do that to yourself?”

“i didn’t know it would spread so fast. i posted it on an anonymous account before my race. i wasn’t expecting it to be spread so quick, let alone on national news. i thought it would be slow, i was going to tell you, i was going to tell everyone. i had decided i didn’t want to be samo anymore. but the speed of it all… i wasn’t ready yet, i hadn’t prepared yet, i hadn’t told her.”

jaemin stills at the mention of you.

“so that’s why.”

jeno nods.

“you’re an idiot.” jaemin says, throwing jeno’s words back at him.

but jeno isn’t laughing.

“for her, i am.”

that’s where he realises the gravity of it all. that both of their deception had all come down to the route of one thing, of one person.

you.

jeno continues. “do you know what she told me when we first got into that fake relationship?”

jaemin shakes his head.

“she told me that she didn’t understand why i liked living as samo more than jeno. and usually, i did. i loved living as samo, it was the only time that i was able to really be myself. but when she came along, i realised something. i realised that i didn’t want to be samo anymore, i wanted to be the person that she knew. technically, she knew samo, yes. but it was me, as jeno, that she truly knew. and when she told me that i should just live as jeno, avoid all the public attention and just go outside without a mask, i realised that she was right, that that’s who i wanted to be. i wanted to be me, because of her. so when she told chenle who i was, i should have been mad, i should have been pissed. but, truly? i was relieved. she had done the first step of my journey herself, i could break off the deal. i could explain that i didn’t care about it anymore. i could explain that i wanted to date her for real. but i didn’t do any of that. i was still angry, i was angry at the reason why she had told chenle. he ruined it all. i couldn’t explain it to her, what i really wanted. because she liked him. and it only confirmed my suspicions when i found that stupid fuckers hoodi-“

jeno realised he had be talking for too long when jaemin began to smile.

“oh man i’ve been waiting for you to say that for the longest time, that you want to be yourself.” he pulls him into a brief hug as he speaks, as if he hadn’t even heard the second half of jeno’s rant.

after a second, jaemin pulls away before stating the obvious truth of what’s staring them both in the face, “if only it wasn’t because of her.”

reality dawns on him, pushing on him like an incoming storm. “im sorry jaemin, but ive made up my mind.”

jaemin nods, expecting jeno to say more. but he doesn’t, he just walks to the elevator, clicking the floor to their dorm. jeno hopes that jaemin forgets all about you, that he puts his feelings for you aside. but he knows jaemin too well, he knows no matter how much he tries, jaemin will never forget you.

“you getting in?” jeno says, a smile plastered on his face.

jaemin grins back before running to the elevator to join him.

jeno was going back home.

well, he will be once he fixes things with you.

jaemin lets out a sigh, seeming deep in thought. “you sacrificed everything for her.”

jeno looks at him, an understanding of what he means by this.

“jaemin-“

“i’ll take the fall for it.” he says, a smile on his face that doesn’t reach his eyes. “you don’t have to tell them it was you yet, if you’re not ready.”

jeno panics, “i can’t let you do that. not anymore.”

“please let me.” he fidgets, watching the numbers on the elevator screen climb up, and up, and up. “it’s the most i can do.”

jeno doesn’t know what to say, just like before. so he does the easiest thing. even though he knows he shouldn’t, he does what he knows he’s going to regret.

the elevator dings to a halt.

he lets him.

a sacrifice for a sacrifice.

previous : mlist : next

notes; it’s been so hard tryna keep this secret guys u have NO idea

taglist — open! @jenohyun @jirsungs @do-you-remember-summer-127 @ddolbyong @stqrgr7 @thatsatricky1 @sunghoonsgfreal @nattan127 @ssweetreveries @flamingi @chenlesfavorite @peterm4rker @snoopyjimin @akunoeyebrows @junviadinho @slayhaechan @f6llsun @multifandomania @cookiehaos @catecita @mrsjohnnysuh @luv4jeno @hyuckies18 @dreamiestay @tangerinelovelees @jjaegyeom @https-yeonjun @nanaxwi @yukisroom97 @nosungluv @mrkleelvr @neocrashed @jaedgemental @apolloxxivmin @kyubing @catdonut657 @dudekiss3r @juyeonshour @hamjwis @antifrggile @mmjhh1998 @thegracerammy @jenocity23 @honeynanamin @bluedbliss @lampcults @yyangj3lly

[threepandas]

Bad End: Lost at Star Sea

It was sheer luck I even glanced down. Stopped, longed enough to doubled check, triple check, my next jump. I didn't really need too. Trusted my ship's computers, (quite literally) with my life. Kinda had too, after so long, out in the sea of stars. So the fact that I paused? Checked? Noticed that stuttering little signal at all?

Really, it could only be luck.

Good, bad, a miracle or disaster in the making? Couldn't tell ya.

But I DID notice. And I DID, immediately, hit the override for my cued up jumps to Starline. Because as every pilot worth even a fraction of their soul will tell you? You see an SOS beacon? You fucking ANSWER it.

Yes, pirates pull the "help I'm stuck" trick. And yeah, there are other unscrupulous folks out there. But! That's part of why the bounty hunter's guild and pirate hunter's come down so HARD on those fuckers. If you discourage people from HELPING stranded pilots? People fucking DIE out there.

Cold Void Of Space, remember?

Far as I'm concerned? Old ship rules apply, there are enough horrors, lurking out there. We do NOT need to add to them. All differences are to be kept planet side. THEN you can kill each other.

Thank the stars, I had decided to go the back lanes. Yeah, it added a few extra weeks to my trip, that I couldn't spend on that swanky beach at Starline, but? The "road trip" through the outer edge of the galaxy had been worth it. Plenty of cool sights and fun new foods. And NOW, clearly, the much needed chance to be in the right place at the right time.

Getting my ship in close, I tried to hail the softly free floating wreck. It looked smashed. Like it hit or was struck by something at speed. They had clearly managed to slow themselves, but beyond that? I couldnt see much stabilization. The whole ship sat dark. Not good.

My dash said there was nothing to hail TOO. Fuck. I tried difference frequencies. Maybe they had a hand-held? Earpiece? Something? But I couldn't connect to anything. Find, anything. Shit! Okay. Okay! Plan B. Try to get a registration while I connect us up. Pray to which ever Gods gaurds this one's soul, that they breathe a similar gas mix.

Loading... loading...

Oh, thank FUCK!

Compatible air AND drones, someone up or out there, really DOES want these guys to live! I force myself to be calm. Rushing won't help anybody, but WILL make a mess, after all. Bring up that frustrating drone request program I downloaded on a whim. Watch as, dispite the odds, lights flicker on across the hull of the ship.

Emergency protocols engage. They, obviously, get no counter order. And? Like the beautiful, life saving, little dumbasses they are? Immediately begin to zip and trundle into position to drag the wreckage in towards my ship. Gods bless the collective single IQ point of drones. Good babies. Such good babies!

With a heavy shudder and thunk, we connect.

Already, I am hovering by the latch. Emergency kit in hand. Breather on. The second it's confirmed, I twist the latch and...Oh gods. The air that surges up to greet me is so cold, it BURNS. I hadn't even though I was sweating, hadn't noticed it, until it felt like stabbing flash frozen crystals on my face. Shit! Oh gods, oh SHIT!

I scramble down, ladder burning cold even through my gloves. Red emergency lights and terrible silence greet me. I move quick. Emergencies & Stranding classes echoing in my head. Check the warmest part of the ship first, then work your way out. If they CAN move, they'll know to retreat there.

Registration said the ship had fifteen people. No idea how many survived the impact and cold, but hopefully? All of them. I may not have the room or rations for a comfortable trip. But it'd be warm. And I could get them to a port.

They should be in the central compartment, which is usually critical storage and medbay. Getting there, the door has clearly been forced to slide open by someone with claws and blood on their hands. It couldn't close properly, they bent it getting it open.

Looking down, there... oh gods. There is A LOT of blood on the floor.

Something... someONE? Dragged to storage. Blood trails thick on the floor. There must be a preserver; trying, maybe, to keep their friends from rotting? Might be shock? And they just... couldn't figure out where to put the bodies. I shake my head, tearing my horrified eyes away. Concentrate! Save the living. The dead are already gone. Be sick about it later.

It takes the crowbar I brought, now cold enough to worry me, to force the door to slide again. The room in side is barely warmer then the air outside. But? There, against the far wall? Is just about every clothe and piece of fabric in the ship. Two emergency blankets glinting from withing the chaotic pile.

The only other people in the room are clearly dead. Injuries. He must have tried to treat them but been unable too. Regardless of what happened, I rush forward. Unearthing an unconscious Aqualin from his self made fabric tomb. The colouration might mean he's from the deep water region. But without his eyes or mouth open I can't TELL.

I hope so, his chance of survival would go up tremendously. Dragging the limp, dangerously hypothermic, man onto my shoulders in a fireman's carry, I get us the hell out. His front is stained in blood. His hands coated. Everything that could go wrong? Seems too. But if I have any say, he is NOT dying here.

Dragging us into my now cold ship, I clumsily kick at the latch until I manage to flip it closed. Just for now. I'll have to go back down for those blankets and such, to help get him warm. But first? I get my rescue set up, warming up.

A further few, brutally cold, few trips to loot the ship of what I safely can before I can close that latch for good. Lock away the horrors to be found there. Stacking everything up and off to the side for him. I'm pretty sure I even found his wallet. So at least? He won't be destitute. Then, while the droids transferred the last of the wreck's fuel? I start to bring up the heat back to normal. Slowly.

Once all is said and down, I silence the emergency beacon and send in the mandatory report. Might be a while before a cleaning crew can get out here... but, well... at least those poor bastard's family's would have some closure. Life insurance. That sort if thing.

.....fuck today has been shit.

"Ooooh go on a vacaaaaation~" Everybody said. "You're so overworked!" They had said. "So STRESSED! You definitely won't find a ship full of corpses!" Thanks for that, guys! Having SUCH a great time. No, REALLY.

Detaching from the wreckage is almost... no, IS horrific in how easy it is. It just... float away. Silent, dark, and gentle. A cold bit of nothingness, lost in the void. Sinking into the stars with it's cargo full of dead, like... like nothing happened at all. It looks so small. Just a twisted bit of metal. Drifting... drifting... away....

Even with the heaters bringing the heat back up, I feel cold.

That could have been me.

What the hell happened? I tear my eyes away from the view screen. Back down to the dash board. Standard operating procedure is to grab the black box of a wreck, even if you find no survivors. Helps universal safety innovation and regulatory blah blah blah. Had to drill it into my head to even GET my license. So... so now... there it is. Grabbed.

I... COULD look.

Fiddling with my rescues wallet, I stare at it. It's hella illegal. Breach of privacy. You can't just... just go into someone's ship and poke around. Look up where they've been and who they've been talking too about what. All their data would be on that thing. Soothing MY anxiety is not more important then THEIR boundaries, right? I should leave it.

I flip the wallet open. My rescue's smiling face grins back up at me, like some sort of dork at a photo shoot. He's leaning against an advertisement for, ironically, Starline. Probably the same beach that convinced me to go. All relaxed confidence and swagger, he looks nothing like the half frozen man I dragged from that ship.

My rescue has lost weight. A concerning amount of color. But? Looking at the rich black of the eyes and the point of his teeth? He seem to be either mostly or full blooded Deep Sea Aqualin. Thank FUCK.

There was a celebrity Tropical Region Aqualin a while back that my baby cousin was weirdly obsessed with. Not stalking obsessed, but? The "family is concerned" obsessed, you know? We all ended up learning WAY too much about their entire species. WAY, WAY too much.

Dea Sea Aqualin are apparently just? Built different. Like, "can withstand a degree of pressure and cold and would kill most others" different. The dehydration might still get him, but the cold? Might NOT.

Flipping the wallet closed, I ignore my gut. I don't need to see what's on that black box. Yeah, I'd find out what happened after they lost propulsion. But? Watching doomed men die? That's sick. There's nothing worth finding there. It's just anxiety.

I reset my next jump. The sooner we get to the next port, the sooner my Rescue (X'alus, apparently) can get help. Then? I head back to check on him. I think, he might be stirring. Approaching the mound of blankets, it turns out I'm right.

" 'rm?" He manages to slur, voices crackling like it's a fight to get anything out. "Wh're 'm? Who?"

There is no good way to tell someone a whole ship full of crewmates is... gone. But, fuck, if I don't try. Gently sitting him up, I help him drink from a hydration pouch. Little at a time, so as not to stress his likely starved stomach. He leans, boneless, towards me. Like he wishes he could drag himself into my lap. Staring like I hold the secrets to the universe.

"Pre'ty. Warm. You sav'd me?"

I nod, shooting him a smile as I tuck the blanket more firmly around him. Poor guy is still pretty weak. But he's healing fast. That's good. He smiles back, bright predators teeth glinting in the ship's light. (Bit unhinged looking, but hey, he seems loopy.)

"Y're my hero~ pre'ty, pre'ty hero~!"

"Arn't I lucky? You found me!"

[39472034658449305249465224devils]

Sorry if you did not receive a new years ask, this may be because i couldnt find your main account / didnt want to send many to side blogs, or because asks were turned off, or i missed your blog some how in my line up in my followers and following tabs.

so, if you didnt get one,

🎍 🐍新年おめでとう! 🐍🎍Happy new years! I hope you have a happy, prosperous, fulfilling new year with lots of peace, wisdom and success.

Happy new years to everyone here, lurkers and followers i do not know well as well. it's a bit early to send these out, but I dont think ill be on the computer at the "right time". time also rolls over differently in different places, so, happy new years if it already is new years when you read this, or happy new years in a few hours if it hasnt!

i hope all of us- myself, my friends, and strangers and even those who treat me poorly, i hope we all have a good new year, and we all find happiness, learn and teach those around us, be happier and make those around us happy, be healthy and make other's lives healthier, have good fortune and aid others around us, and most of all, live and thrive and help those around us also live and thrive.

I hope year of the snake brings us wisdom and intelligence to navigate ourselves and the world, wisdom to pass to others, wisdom with the self and wisdom to make better choices, i hope we are granted transformation to amend our poor traits and bad habits, to make change for the better of ourselves and others, transformation in flexibility to change in the world, and transformation in taking our lives and bodies and hearts to change to be more comfortable and in line with ourselves. i hope we are granted the elegance and charm to handle difficult situations and bring feelings of comfort and safety to our loved ones, i hope we all take advantage of the correct time to move on opportunities, i hope that we move forward and are ambitious and rewarded with fortune! i hope we will have the minds to see when we are granted fortune in our loved ones, beauty on earth, kindness, chances for mindfulness and respect, life, good things and satisfaction.

Happy new year to everyone. Congratulations and thank you for being here with me, and more importantly, with me on this earth. Let's do our best to greet the new year in a way we are proud of, and lead a year we can be proud of. regardless of any of it, I am proud of you.

[kyuummie]

read about my sons NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!’!

recently ive taken it upon myself to turn glitterduo (argbur and incelbur/simpbur) into my ocs, allen (he him) and salem (he she they) after realizing how much i was attached to them and might go as far as reclaiming even more relevant burs

theyre kind of like a gag anime with a broad plot that has only 50% to do with the actual episode youre watching. They just kind of exist and go through day to day things together because theyre buds. maybe you will like them too if you liked bur sonas…i just wanted to share something that gave me joy. theyre like if triple baka was double baka mesmerizer if it was awesome

who should be the third baka or the yellow one that wasnt in mesmerizer vote down below /hj

more random stuff about them under the cut

no salem is not an incel. Thought i should preface that LMFAO (i still think its crazy how much the fandom (using that term lightly cause of how fan driven the concept of burs were) “woobified” incelbur/simpbur seeing how much of a creep he apparently is. its ok i was a part of it and i never do anything wrong ^_^)

i originally had a really hard time trying to figure out a plotline for these two, my first draft “salmon alley” was about them being platonic soulmates and having to figure out how to live together. one, i didnt like the name cause it sounded to much like salmonella. Second, i didnt really know where to go with the soulmate thing and i didnt even know if i wanted to have a story for them

then, i wanted to go the unconventional route and make them little magical girls (“1-chance duet”) with the point of them being tied together as two magical girls who were destined to save, well, mentally unstable people 😭, before they could save themselves, and i gave salem a bunny hood which is where his current hat comes from

i might use some of this as au ideas or their general “plot”. but i kind of like them just being there and only serving as comfort and a source of joy? these two just Happened to both be my faves and also be created by some douche. so, if you were also a bur sona liker, youre like a sleeper agent 🕵️ maybe theyll go ghost hunting and find blue (gb). Travel back in time to find an old timey president at a bar (lmanbr). go a couple months forward to find him depressed, and deceased the next day (pogbr). maybe theyll be taken by the mad scientist who sent them back in time(malpractice). maybe theyll meet god himself (100p??). Hey allen why do all these guys look vaguely like us and all have brown shoulder length hair

i remember i had my designs for og glitterduo memorized like muscle memory, i have no idea how i got over them so quickly but when i was reminded of them i couldnt keep the demons inside…i drew arg all the time in class and i love edgy characters so he was my perfect little guy. i might still refer to them (especially allen) as arg/incel/simp. Maybe this is another 2 week phase but i love them

also, i dont know what to call their “series”. i have two in mind: amygdala’s resonance/just amygdala, or hatena (as in question mark) but i think amygdala seems way too dark and edgy for what im thinking

[permetutotheworld]

unrequited marylene marlene’s pov where she writes about it

requested by @nyx-taylors-version

This is stupid i dont even know why im doing this but Lily said it would help so here we are. I like mary.

That didnt help and lily is a dirty liar

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she smiled at me today and called me over, i dont want anyone but her to say my name ever again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there’s a party tonight in the tower, i’m going with Mary as friends. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. But then again, you never know, mary’s never said she’s straight explicitly! Lily says im being delusional but a girlie’s gotta be a little crazy sometimes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she likes a boy. Im not a boy. Ill be okay, it’s just a silly crush she means everything to me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im need to get over Mary i can’t go on like this it hurts too much, every time she smiles at me a knife twists in my gut and im winded for a second and i hate it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she’s leaving. Shes leaving hogwarts. Her family is leaving for america to avoid the war i cant i dont how can i i dont care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

is it wrong to wish i’d never met her? To wish i never had the chance to fall in love like her? Probably but she’s anyway so it doesnt matter. I wish she wasnt leaving

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she’s leaving today and i feel like im dying, everyone’s crying but i just can’t make myself, what’s wrong with me? My best friend is leaving for another continent and i can’t even being myself to shed a tear or two

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

shes gone. she left and i couldnt even look her in the eye. she was sobbing and it killed me to see her upset but i coulnd’t do anything but hug her and wish i lived in a universe where Mary Macdonald didnt like boys

and now she’s gone, and a part of me left with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i miss her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

three years later, 1981

mary, hi

marlene here, of course you’ll know that because of my shitty handwriting, mary i

everything’s gone to shit mary, lily and jamss are in hiding dorcas is dead gone and i miss you. Please come back don’t come back Mary its too dangerous, it would kill me if anything happened to you, you probably shouldn’t even reply to this, they’re checking all owls coming into the country, it really is a shit show over here

and mary, if anything happens to me, you’re my best friend in this world, i would do anything for you so please do this for me

stay away from britain. stay away from the war, get yourself the fuck away from all of this, even further than where you are now and live your life safely, please, i cant lose you

i have to go, peter’s knocking and it seems important

live a good life Mary Macdonald

love from

marlene

x

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

19th july 1981

the mckinnon’s were found dead early this morning by sirius black

We at the daily prophet extend our condolences to the friends and family members left behind.

[iamthejam]

i need to rant about sam right quick.... more specifically the whole demon blood era cause OH MY GOSH.

 sam thought he was doing the right thing yet everything warned him against it: dean, bobby, catiel, angels, HIMSELF, yet his mindset was if he kept a level head he could keep going, but how can you tell if youre going insane?? youre not gonna be like "hey myself, yeah this is totally wrong." sam knew he was helping people. HOW could you stop helping people, doing your job??? he had so much trust in ruby, which saddens me HOW much trust. dean was dead. he wasnt coming back. how is sam supposed to cope with that normally?? the only person he loved more than anything, the person he'd been through everything with, the person that was the thing only grounding him in the insane life they live in. with that gone how are you supposed to go on? well after doing quite literally everything he thought of trying to get dean back, he had no hope. but he needed something to take the place of dean, which ruby had taken the chance in sams weakened state and slipped in. now tell me how sam wasnt going to trust her?? he was blinded, to everything. he did the one thing he knew to do: save people. when someone tells you can save more people, wouldnt you take the opportunity?? sam did.

like i said earlier, he was blinded, so he really couldnt see he was slowly turning himself into something he promised himself he wouldnt, all he saw was the people he saved. when dean finally came back he didnt stop, i mean why would he? he kept going, and going and going, at this point he had almost completely lost himself. it didnt matter that he had dean, he had already come to reality that dean was gone.

now DONT GET ME STARTED ON DEAN FINDING OUT. how could dean not freak? now its deans turn to come to reality: his little brother is addicted to demon blood. what? his sammy?? no, no his sammy wouldnt do that... right? i mean he would see that ruby is no good. right? he would see past the people he was saving and know he was turning himself into a freak. right!?! no. it wasnt his sam. now what is dean supposed to do? it obviously wasnt his brother, his brother wouldnt do that.

so he and bobby did what they thought was the best attempt to help him: cage him. like a violent animal, which was what sam was slowly becoming. 

now if you think that was hard for dean to do, think about sam. sam was being thrown into a panic room because his family thought he was a freak. he was helping people why couldnt they see that? and why couldnt sam see he was losing himself? everybody thought they knew what was best. they thought was right. 

i just cant see. how are you supposed to cage your brother without even talking? how are you supposed to think drinking demon blood was for the greater? i cant see a right here.

when sam was in the bunker room the demon blood threw the last punches it could. it made sam hallucinate, it made him think mary was on his side, that dean and bobby were only scared of his power, it made his younger self talk him down, it made dean say nasty things. it threw him around the room like a rag doll. it made him believe allister was torturing him in the worst ways possible. all this happened as he screamed and screamed; no one came. the people he loved left him to die it felt like.

so when he got free why wouldnt he run as far as he could? as far away from bobby and dean as he could get, mentally and physically.

[thanosscross]

heyyy so im not sure how long uve been a fan of bigbang and im turning to this even tho im rlly nervous abt it but i couldnt get a clear answer from the friend i asked. what do u think abt the new bigbang fans?

i am one myself because of discovering TOP from squid games but i feel like the content ive seen of bigbang and TOP specifically has had a lot of the older fans make negative comment abt the new fans. i wish i was into kpop when i was younger but 1 i barely had technology growing up so i had a slim chance of it and 2 i feel like i wouldve been too younger to know what kpop. ive been looking at their past content and learning what has happened and their songs but i still feel like i only started liking bigbang because i thought TOP was attractive in squid game

idk i feel like i lost my point during that but i hope u understand and i hope i can get ur opinion on it. if its available can i be 💜 anon??

Hello hello!! A friend and I were actually just talking somewhat about this the other day! <3 personally I feel like all of the love and attention T.O.P has been getting is absolutely amazing! He’s a sweet amazing guy and it’s easy to love him🥰💕 I feel like with everything he’s had to go through, he deserves all of the love and support he’s been getting towards his acting roles and music 🫶 but I do wish new fans would also notice the others in BigBang as much as they do T.O.P, while I 100% believe top deserves all of the love and support I also feel like the other three boys deserve the same amount especially with all of the hard work they’ve been doing with Home sweet home, their MAMA performance, Ji-Yong getting on Korea’s vogue magazine <3 I don’t think anybody should take any love or support away from T.O.P, but I do wish they’d share the love with Ji-Yong, Dae-Sung, and Tae-Yang 💕 As for the older fans and newer fans situation I’ve noticed going on, I understand it but I also don’t. While I understand their frustration, because from what I’ve seen around TikTok and Tumblr, newer fans have started a lot of rumors and false narratives about T.O.P, and getting the Thanos character and him mixed together with their backstories and personalities, often not even learning T.O.P stage name or real name, just choosing to call him Thanos and only seeing him as the character, not the sweet, funny, caring, shy guy that he is . That and something I don’t really ever like seeing that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable is a lot of people on TikTok have been taking the media clips of T.O.P leaving the hospital for thanos edits which just rubs me the wrong way. It was a dark time in his life, and the media being up his ass like that and the apology, all of it makes me uncomfortable, that man was hurting and desperate for a way out and instead of helping him, the media just made everything worse for him during it all. I don’t know if it’s just my own history with that kind of stuff or what, but it was just wrong that it ever happened in the first place instead of just letting the poor guy process what feelings he had :/ so I know for older fans it’s been upsetting a lot over seeing those clips resurface for silly edits on an app. What I don’t understand is why some older fans on here claim T.O.P would hate his new fans, etc, I don’t believe that he would, would he probably be just as uncomfortable seeing those certain edits of himself and the way some newer fans talk about him? Most likely 100% I know I would be, but who knows? None of us fans are T.O.P. He just wants to live his life the best he can while moving on from his past, so personally I feel like new and old fans need to respect that, new fans need to respect his past is his past and if he wants to move on from and and not talk about it then they shouldn’t be making 100s of disturbing edits including his hospital discharge clips for ‘hot’ edits of him, plus realizing that T.O.P is a human with feelings, not just a person on the internet who they are allowed to sexual 24/7 without ever wanting to learn about who he really is :/ and older fans need to realize, T.O.P is okay, they don’t need to fight day and night to protect him anymore, most new fans have the same love they do for him, even if that love is newer, they need to accept that T.O.P and BigBang will always have new people finding their music for the first time and falling in love with it <3

Now that’s just my opinion, which everybody is entitled to their own, mine is solely based on what I have seen personally myself, and things I have read from interviews or heard in interviews with either Seung Hyun or BigBang, so if anything seems inaccurate or if I’ve forgetten or misread things please let me know, While I encourage you all to share your opinions, there’s no need for judgment on my page, as I absolutely will NOT tolerate it unless we’re judging the man who shall not be named. Again, if anything seems inaccurate or misinterpreted, please let me know, The information on Newer fans and Older fans, I’ve learned about from scrolling on my tumblr feed and TikTok feed, so if I got something wrong I strongly apologize for it, I’m also very Sorry for the rambling but I just feel very passionate about the topic 🫶🤌 excited to hear back from you lovelies

[the-owl-house-takes]

I COULD TALK ABOUT HOW THE SHOW LIKE COMPLETELY REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE GUS EVER!!!.

i can talk about how RECENTLY, in a panel, they were asked “how would they react if Luz died?” and they gave amity, willow, HUNTER more detailed answers than GUS. they said, “gus and everyone else would be sad” or some shit.

i can talk about how they literally never talk about him, OR his v/a! and when they do its bs (above). i hope its clear that they got BOSCHA and KIKIMORAS V/As, aka two characters nobody actually gives a flying shit about (the actors are rlly nice though no shit on them), on an interview, but not gus?? really??

i can talk about how, even with the episodes being FOCUSED ON HIM, he gets overshadowed by other characters. whether purposefully or not (who am i kidding, its always on purpose lmao). like in labyrinth runners, he gets overshadowed by hunter and amity, and in through the looking glass graveyard, they put a FUCKING lumity kiss.

i can talk about how in WAD, when luz was in her dream, all of the characters had outfits that correlated to how luz “came into their life and changed it” or whatever, but gus is wearing is GROM SUIT, why? because the show IGNORES HIM THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, and he never gets a ‘big moment’ with luz unlike everyone else!

i can talk about how it takes until the LAST MINUTES of THE LAST EPISODE for him to get a new haircut, and the fact they couldnt even animate his hair right in the beginning anyways. not like they cared to!

i can talk about how it feels like he was literally just thrown in there for black representation, and they dont do shit anyway!!!! hes the only ‘main’ black character (excusing darius and ig willow who is blasian but. on average, nobody would really know that abt her anyway)

i can talk about how all the canon ships are poc x white, yet gustholomule, poc x poc, literally gets ignored too. like how did fucking aladarius and huntlow get a chance?? i know gm is really just an opinion (and probably always will be) but they had so much chemistry compared to the other two. cmon, the fuck? everyone else gets a partner but not him? and if hes every confirmed to be aroace, itll just be another stab in the gut. Im aroace myself, and lillith was already ENOUGH bad representation!! if he was aroace, it would literally just be one excuse to why they ignored him and his chance on having a potential partner. not to mention they completely glaze over his short lived crush on bria.

sorry the rant was so long, i could go into more depth but i wont and theres defo a lot i missed but whatever. but i guess my take really is THE CREW FUCKING SUCKS ASS AND GUS DESERVES BETTER!!!!! (also mb if anything is written weird im tired raah)

-

[psychobind]

COOL HERO STUFF

Relevent Translations from the LOV cards mostly regarding Noel and Bokhohn

NOEL

Age: Two years older than Rocbouquet

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 110 kg

Maximum Speed: Exhibits his greatest speed, 30 m/s

Blood Relative: Rocbouquet's older brother

Crony: Sagzaar

Sworn Enemy: The Desert Guards

Subject of Absorption:All people who are masters in their fields/trades

Role: Supporting everybody

Fatal Technique: Moon Shade

Favorite Technique: Counter

Special Skill: Shaking hands with the opponent

Hobby: Astronomical observation

Past Objective: To contribute new knowledge to the human race

Current Goal: To acquire all the knowledge in the universe

Searching for: A dimension transfer device

A word to the Emperor: "I am not a frog."

Favorite Spot: Ueno (the town he was named after)

"You're a kind of hero, aren't you?"

I've never thought of myself as a hero. I simply spend my days on the battlefield.

"That's exactly what makes you a hero. Isn't it something that ordinary people couldn't do?"

If that's the condition for being a hero, then perhaps I am.

"Don't you feel there's something similar between the way the Emperor's power is passed down through generations and us?"

"Oh, brother, what kind of joke is that? There's no way they could resemble us. Impossible." Rocbouquet winked.

"Even in a crisis for the Seven Heroes, you remain carefree. I suppose I should see it as a chance to absorb the Emperor's power myself."

----------------------------------------------

BOKHOHN

Past Goal: Entering politics

Hobby: Games he can win

Profession: Lawyer

Objective: To leave his mark in history

Absorption Target: Puppet master

Current Goal: Life under his control

Role: Strategist

Preferred Vehicle: Land Battleship

A word to the Emperor: "Fool, you're too soft!"

Future Strategy: Surprise attacks

Special Move: Waterfowl Sword

Favorite Thing: Marionette

"Why must I follow the commands of someone like you?"

Here comes yet another hopeless savior, it seems.

"You're just a young upstart. All you need to do is follow the strategy I've devised. Act on your own, and you're bound to fail."

"Next, let's pit the Emperor against Rocbouquet," Bokhohn mused to himself in a room within the land battleship.

"If Rocbouquet defeats the Emperor, all the better. And if Rocbouquet is defeated… well, I can't wait to see Noel's reaction. I almost want the Emperor to put up a good fight, heh heh heh."

Meanwhile, the Emperor was initiating an infiltration mission into the land battleship.

-----------------------------------

Heroes do some chattings

Noel's Card

"A new secret technique that surpasses the Law of Assimilation?" Wagnas asked, intrigued.

"Yes. It doesn't just assimilate the body but also absorbs abilities and knowledge,"

Wagnas' eyes lit up, "That's incredible. Perhaps we should call it... the Law of Absorption."

Noel gave a thoughtful pause, then added, "However, there's a significant risk involved."

Wagnas' Card

"There's a possibility that one might be influenced by the personality and experiences of those they absorb," Noel said quietly.

"If you absorb a killer, you might start to find pleasure in murder."

Wagnas laughed. "That's exactly what I want. Without that level of resolve, how could we possibly save the world? It doesn't matter what happens to us as long as the world is saved."

Subier's Card

"Subier, will you continue to fight by my side? As Noel said, there's danger ahead," Wagnas' smile had faded.

"No need to ask," Subier replied with a hearty laugh. "I don't fully understand Noel's complicated talk, but I trust you. That's all that matters, right?"

The three exchanged smiles and (something I couldnt translate properly...)

Dantarg's Card

"I can become stronger, right? That's exactly what I want," Dantarg's reply was straightforward.

"You might end up absorbing more than just strength-- things like kindness, or even love," Noel teased.

"Hmph. I'll just be selective about who I absorb. I'll go after those who live purely for battle, the crazed and monstrous types. Just like me." Dantarg's hearty laughter echoed around them.

Rocbouquet's Card

"Am I a burden? Onii-sama!" Her eyes filled with tears.

"Noel is only concerned for your safety. He doesn't think of you as a burden at all," Wagnas tried to console her, but it only made things worse.

"Even Lord Wagnas is leaving me out. It's terrible, so terrible! After everything we've been through together…"

Noel knew well enough that once she reached this point, there was no stopping her. "Wagnas, please include her as well," he pleaded.

Bokhohn's Card

"Why didn't you call on me?"

Wagnas and Noel exchanged glances.

"Well… we thought matters like this wouldn't interest you," Noel replied, only to be interrupted by Bokhohn.

"Your selection was clearly a mistake. There's a lack of strategy here. Dantarg and Subier are just brute strength, and the need for Rocbouquet is... questionable. This group requires a mind like mine. Surely, you understand that, Wagnas?"

Kzinssie's Card

"Don't leave me behind!" Kzinssie pleaded.

"Tch, pathetic worm," Dantarg scoffed, spitting dismissively.

"You're of no use to us," Bokhohn ignored him.

"Stop it, don't come near me," Rocbouquet shuddered in disgust.

"You don't need to come," Subier said firmly.

"You've done enough," Wagnas' gentle voice held a hint of rejection.

"Please, give me a chance too," Kzinssie clung desperately to Noel.

[lennyblaxk]

My take on i saw the tv glow

It was beautiful. Well crafted in every way thats humanly possible and conceivable. When i watched it the first time, i was very confused. I wondered why did it in a such a heart wrenching way. Why didnt he get the end he wanted? Craved? I was left with more questions than answers. And then i watched it again. All of my questions were answered. They were trapped not just physically, but mentally. They were in bodies that werent theirs. They didnt ask for that. They didnt want to be who they were perceived as because that wasnt them. It wasnt at all them. They were screaming for help when no one was listening. They were dying, suffocating and starving in a life that they didnt want. Atleast not the way it was for them. They wanted to be free and who they were inside. They didnt want to be forced to live with the weight of a strangers life. They didnt want to be something they werent. All they wanted was a chance at being loved and cared for the way they really are. To others, they were freaks, damn near invisible and insignificant. Their lives didnt matter to others. They didnt get a second thought. All they had were each other. One was ready to leave but the other was scared. He was worried for anything and everytbing else but him. He didnt want to suffocate in the dirt that made his grave. He didnt want to die. Not like that. But he just couldnt leave what he knew for so long. That was his home, his safe place even when he wasnt safe. Even when his demise was right there. He had the choice to come out and be him. Be the best version of him but he stayed in. He hid and kept what looked like a dirty secret to himself. He was ashamed and confused and alone. All he wanted was to breathe on his own. But he couldnt. He just couldnt.

I dont want to be like him. I dont want to hide. Or cower in the corner. I want to be loud. I want to be seen. Not as who i “am”. No, but as who i want to be. Who i need to be before i suffocate on my own dirt. Im not going to let myself hide in the shadows because im afraid. Im going to be brave and seek out things i never have before. I always said i wanted to be like my parents, that idea died long ago. Im going to be better. Im going to be me. There will be no sin or fear attached to that. Because i am not a walking sin. I am me. I am leo.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for returning a dog after only a couple days of owning him?

Some context, my partner (I'll call him Greg, 24m) and I (21 he/she) came to an agreement 3 months ago. The agreement was that if I got myself out of a depressive slump that had been straining our relationship for the past couple years, he'd get me a dog. I was overjoyed at this because I've wanted a dog ever since I was a kid, and it was probably the best motivation he could give.

I'm proud to say that I made a lot of progress, and I'm doing much better now. So, as promised, Greg agreed that I could get the dog. Maybe a little under a week after that, Greg found an adorable little chihuahua/dachshund mix online and we both excitedly prepared to adopt him. We arranged to meet him almost immediately, and he was adopted within 2 days.

I will admit, after Greg agreed to get the dog, I was having some doubts. I knew dogs were a lot of work and I didn't think we were ready to take on such a big responsibility, especially since we already had two cats to take care of. Greg was just so excited to find a dog for me, and I agreed to adopt the dog, but only because I couldnt think fast enough to stop and discuss my concerns. I was under the impression that this was what I wanted, so my doubts could just be chalked up to "new pet anxiety", so my brain went on autopilot and said "yes".

He was a perfect little guy, well behaved save for some anxiety, didn't bark at all, house trained, just a super sweet dog. However, it soon became apparent to us that he was SO much more work to take care of than we anticipated. We had to keep an eye on him all the time so he wouldn't chew or eat anything he wasn't supposed to, plus he had separation anxiety so he had to be in the same room as us at all times. One of our cats hated him, so we had to be sure the two of them were separated. Playing with him and walking him was easy and fun, but we had to do it every couple hours because chiweenies are a very energetic breed.

There was no time for me and Greg to have time to ourselves and each other, and the stress built up and I started to get cranky at little things. I even lashed out at Greg once, which is exactly something I had tried to work on during those 3 months. To add onto all this, a huge storm hit us and our living room flooded, and we're still in the process of undoing the damage. The stress since adopting him went on for a total of 4 days, but it felt like so much longer. I haven't cried so hard for so long in a really long time. Somewhere in that time I had made my doubts about adopting him known, which I still feel stupid for admitting them too late.

Greg says he feels incredibly guilty for the whole situation since he's the one who was so quick to pick out and adopt the dog. I said it was fine, and I should have forced myself to express my doubts earlier despite whatever anxieties were in the way. He said he had just wanted to give me something I'd always wanted and assumed that everything would be fine.

I want to make it clear that we're well aware that this has nothing to do with the dog, nor do we hate him or mistreat him. We've been taking good care of him and he's been having the time of his tiny life with us so far, which is why I'm so reluctant to give him back to the shelter. Maybe we could be good dog owners, but on the other hand, all the stress haopened so quickly and forcefully, and it was too much to ignore. Sometimes I couldn't even be in the same room with the dog because it hurt too much.

Me and Greg are returning him to repair our relationship, focus on ourselves and get us in a stable place, financially. We figure giving him back to the shelter will give him a chance to go to a better, nicer home that's actually ready for him, but I can't shake the feeling that maybe I should've given him a chance. I feel like ultimately this was the right choice but at the same time, I'm super unsure about how we handled the whole thing. AITA? Should we have kept the dog?

What are these acronyms?

[philipszelda]

oh my god i have to talk about this even if no ones listening.

I just saw what i thought was a bird fluttering around the store ramming into a shelf, turns out it was a moth!!

and if you know me, when it comes to bugs i can hardly bear to let them be when theyre inside. I just dont think its right that just because they got lost and made the mistake to ""trespass"" in human areas (which are claiming more and MORE) that they deserve what happens to them after.

and I'm a human too, so I feel even more when that something is just too beautiful to die in a way like that 💔 So i had to catch it.

I kinda followed it into the breakroom (thank god no one else was in there, because it makes it even harder explaining myself in these situations) but i couldnt reach it as it hopelessly rammed against each light fixture in there. So i kinda watched it until it finally flew low enough for me to reach, flying into somebodys coat.

Im sad i couldnt get a photo of it (or even a better look) because i didnt wanna miss my one chance to catch it, and i had to keep it tightly cupped in my hands cause it was flapping so hard to escape me, poor thing.

I walked it to the garden center and let it go and it flew off into the sky. I hope it lives long enough to have babies in a safer area.

Im trying to google what kind of moth it was but just believe me when i say it was literally the size of a small bird like a house robin. or a fat hummingbird (i did think it was a hummingbird at first actually)

[4uru]

My personal problems:

My clusterfuck of a rant (ft. Cassandra clare)

Buckle up besties bc im about to trauma dump. Like actual baby gay trauma.

(@faithfromanewperspective you wanted to know, i dont think i can freestyle angst on an ask like i can on a post so here it is)

Tw: incest, gender dysphoria, homophobic parents, sexual assault.

In our country you have to give a board exam (goverment??? Exam??? Similar to SATs) at the end of your 5 grade. So you need a primary school certificate (PSC)

After my PSC, my parents fixed up my Tablet. And went to work., i sat on my leaving room couch with blankets and pillows for a whole month (there was a dent on the couch when i actually got up for 6th grade) and i surfed the internet in those weeks.

I saw the malec video on yt ( i didnt click on it and didnt think much of it)

So my friend told me to watch anime. Somehow searching 'anime' on yt lead me to an anime 'Super lovers' (yaoi, pseudo incest, pedophilic and rapey everything under the sun you can find, its in super lovers) also i was like 11. 5 years old at this point. I have no concept of whats right or wrong. And bc of these animes (theres so much of it) i thought incest was fine. I also got into Todobaku and bakudeku. And thats part was fine i was mainly watching edits on yt. Then i started reading yaoi mangas and wattpad stories and gacha vids (And yes incest is still featuring on these stories for the most part)

Somewhere along the line, i was like, this feels weird (it was a particularity bad wattpad story with incest i think) i was already consuming gay content for months by then. (I still hadnt started 6th grade mind you.) and my standard for content increased a bit. And i stopped engaging with incest fics and mangas completely. After i distanced myself from it i realised how fucked that was and moved on from it.

But i still engaged with gay content. Somehow i stumbled upon the malec vid again. I watched it. (The first time im seeing live action gay ppl on screen) then i got into thai bl. ("Love by chance" was my first) the thai bl scene was a bit better. Around this time i read bl, watched bl and started to research about gay culture and what not. I figured out i was attracted to girls before i even went back to school

When i went back to school I became friends with a girl (lets call her bunny) I knew bunny since 5th grade but i didnt talked to her that year. she was smart and cool and i had a bit of crush on her from afar.

(5th grade before gay awakening) One time in my school bus while guessing one of my "friends" crushes i asked if he had a crush on bunny, he laughed, i "joked" if i was a boy, i would grow up to marry her. That 'friend' emptied his water bottle on my head as a response.

In 6th grade, the first week (maybe 2nd /3rd January), bunny and i got selected for a group project along with other friends. Me and another friend went to bunny's house for the project. The other friend left. After that friend left bunny and I started to unpack our traumas for each other. Family troubles and what not. I (being the dumb bitch i am) told her that i liked her (and also the water bottle thing) and that i liked girls too (at this point I identified as bi)

In class 6 and of fuckery happend, but me and bunny became bsfs so fast, with in a day. And we were inseparable. I asked her out and she laughed in my face. And we laughed about it years later too. 6th grade ends with her being made at me for smth i didnt even do wrong and some other shit with out toxicest friened. (We werent hanging out by the end of the year)

(Also i finished all off the percy jackson and percy jackson spin offs in 6th grade) and i also told my dad that i liked girls too. He conveniently forgot it for the nest year.

I come back for 7th grade knowing I was bi or pan (couldnt decide which i identified with the most) i start hanging out with a group of boys. Then covid happens.

Lockdown at the begining was fine (terrified but fine) around the second month of lockdown some genderfuckery started to happen. I would forget my own gender (round the time i was falling asleep or waking up). I started consuming for trans stuff around this time. And i journaled on my sketchbook with doodles and cried on it. I had terrible dysphoria. And i didnt even have a name for it in the begining. And one day the pain became too much and i broke in front of my mother. I came out to her. She ignored me. (Muslim parents) she said i was just a tomboy and "theres nothing wrong with me" and other stuff. I was sure i was trans. And non binary (trans tiktok helped with that bit).

My dysphoria became worse as time went on. Just before time of my birthday. My step mother bought me some books i asked for (queer books) and it had Chain of Gold She saw that it had just come out and thought i would like it. So i was reading chain of Gold. And i didnt get shit. I maybe read 100 pages before i decided that i needed context. I went on goggle and searched the best ways to read cassandra clare books in order and they said that Series wise is best. So i started City of bones (worse mistake of my life)

It was on yt so i started with it first. I already knew before starting that jace and clary werent related and incest might come up. (I didnt know it was that levels of fucked in the books) i just saw a pinterest meme where it was said rather jokingly.

Anyway i finished the whole part one and two of The mortal instruments. I read it for Malec bc they were the only gay characters. I have 101 problems with this series but my most major one was Malec. So at this point in my life i was a closeted trans, (multispec) queer kid Something about reading Queer characters tell each other horrible things about bejng closted and bisexual made me hate myself more. Malec didnt not develope my internalized homophobia, it definately fueled it tho. After my birthday i got grounded (my parents found out the queer content i was engaging with. It was very traumatic. I came out to them and my dad to my face said that i am not queer, instead i am fetishizing queerness and i was engaging in perversion.)

Alot happend many times my parents tried to distance me from queer culture and media but gave up.

As 7th grade ended me and bunny reconnected (shit also happend when my mother read our chats)

Around 8th grade i cried and begged to my mother that i am not going to change and all that jazz, she didnt say anything. But she became more on gaurd, she would analyze my interactions with other girls differently (one time while riding in her scooty, i was in the back said and waved to a girl that was starting at me for some reason) my mother told my dad that shes afraid im flirting with girls AS IM ON THE SCOOTER WITH HER-

In class 8 bunny pulled some shit (i explained it in another post i think) also i finally watched the shadowhunter series show malec healed the wounds that book malec anf my parents left. I was for the most part okay i think (academic studies were my biggest problem)

In class 9 around second half of the year i joined tumblr (helped my mental health immense, finding other gay ppl) and i asked for a book from my step mother (it was a bangla book about a trans girl) my dad delivered it to me. And said that he got that i wasnt going to change (BC LORD KNOWS THEY TRIED) he told me to study well so i could go live abroad bc this country will have me dead. I agreed and took the book (i couldnt finish the book, it was too dark for me at times, i gave the book to bunny).

Bunny and my relationship is vented about in another post. I wont get it.

So my problem with cassandra clare happens for three major personal reasons, one of them i didnt even mention bc i still feel weird about it.

1. The Malec part.

2. The incest part : reading TMI made me relive that first part where i engaged with incestuous content. And just disturbed me to my core this time around EVENTHOUGH I HAD A MILD HEADS UP i didnt know the extent of its fuckery. I dont know why but it just turnt the disgust at incest meter up the roof. Like completely fucked my brain and i wasnt okay. (I was 13/14 my birthday fell in the middle)

3. The sexual assault of Aline.

(Tw: my SA)

As a child (9/10 yrs old) i was assulted in an crowded elevator, my dad was in the elevator, i didnt not see the assulters face. I just remember being sqished against the wall, with a mans hand jammed between my legs. I rember trying to flatten myself against the wall to get away from the hand but it woulnt stop. The hand was knuckles deep between my thighs. I didnt see the mans face. I dont rememeber what he looked like from the back. After we got out i told my dad. He barely reacted and said 'people are assholes'. I told my mother about it.... Earlier This year. I thought if i had told her, she wouldnt let me hang out with dad anymore. He was so nonchalant about it that i thought i was over reacting.

Reading the Aline SA scene fucked me up. It was the first time i had come across an SA scene in a book, before that it was lightly mentioned. In the Aline scene, my mind visualised the whole thing. And it nearly drove me to a panic attack. I was 13 at this point. And in the books it was never brought up again, like it was no big deal. Like it was normal. It was for shock value. And i fell for it.

And the rest of the tsc is still bad writing and i hated it. But tmi fucked right up mentally and yeah. I have other posts explaining my journey with it, under the tag auru's tsc rant. Those explain it better.