#i couldn't even make it to 2 years | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cutest-bunny-writings · 8 months ago

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I think I'm gonna quit writing.

Hateful criticism that's being masqueraded around as "constructive" is what's being given to me every time I present anything from a tiny drabble to the equivalent of a small novelette.

And this is mostly happening in an academic setting, so it's just making my love for it outside of an academic setting slowly rot away to dust.

Have I just been a bad writer this whole time? Was everybody just lying to me? Or did I just lose my touch and now I suck at something I used to love because I'm starting to hate it?

I don't know what to do. All that effort put in so I could be given some kind of validation to being a writer and now it doesn't matter.

I feel of no intellectual value, even in the smallest sense. And it appears that my peers and colleagues think the same of me.

These past few weeks I have just been thrown a whole lot of fancy ways to say "you suck" and "you don't matter" in regards to my writing.

The one thing that I can look back on and kind of be okay with the grade I got and not really question it to much is the notes/essay/report I did on Roots by Alex Haley (good book but really hard to read).

So I'm leaning heavily on the possibility of quitting and taking all my writings down forever because that tiny sliver of niceness is not enough to convince me that my writing will ever matter in the slightest, even if it is just for fun.

#quitter #i'm just not as in love with it as i used to be #i couldn't even make it to 2 years #i feel ashamed of myself #i feel smaller than an electron on an atom #and i feel bad about all of this because i haven't posted anything for you guys in so long

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gxtzeizm · 3 months ago

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the fact that me, as a fan of both lando and oscar without any bias (maybe a bit on lando but not that much), is going to witness both "oscar fans, lando antis" and "lando fans, oscar antis" posts all in my one dash 🥲🥲

also the fact that atp i couldn't even bother enough with this same situation on both lewis and george. now it happens on lando and oscar as well which got me like....

#landoscar #lando norris #oscar piastri #f1 #maybe i need to admit atp rn that #this sport is just not built for a person like me istg 🙂🙂#like....i miss the moments 2 years ago where what i only care the most is only football and football only #and couldn't even give a fuck more about guys being in circles vroom vroom #i mean thank god that there's a bayern match just now right after the race ended #which really liften my mood up and distract myself a bit from intimidating discourse and whatsoever #hmmmm ngl maybe the fact that being a football football fan in general especially in this website really brings a comfort in me #meanwhile for f1...idk why but everything about it (especially during race and after race) really overwhelms me a lot seriously speaking #maybe the fact that football is more team oriented sport #meanwhile f1 is more individual oriented despite there are teams consists of 2 individuals #and the fact that me supporting multiple individuals in a one same team despite that f1 is individual oriented sport #kinda gets me digging my own grave atp tbh #i mean when i said individual oriented sport...it kinda means that in a perspective of most of the f1 fans #and now seeing all every kinds of discourse on my dash really makes me overwhelming a lot i'm ngl #that the fact that i couldn't able to curate my own preference for this f1blr space on my dash 🥲🥲🥲#goddddd srsly tho i just want to turn back time where i only cares about bayern frankfurt and germany nt only ffs 🫠🫠🫠🫠#but yeah who am i to turn around the past 🙃🙃...and plus that once i'm getting into one hyperfixation there's no turning back at all for me #so yeah #goddddd i'm so sorry but i'm just being so fucking messy rn #like all the things that i see on my dash really exhausts my brain and my thought process forreal i really need to throw up forreal srsly :(

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jash-updates · 7 months ago

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Most normal energy drink consumer

#new tags time yippee #cj updates #so there's some old-ish tags here lol #i had this saved for a while actually. just didnt know if i wanted to post goofs yet #old tags:#i will say i personally cannot make fun of him for that #as i was [still am even] overly invested in drinking mnt dew #they used to sell a full liter mnt dew bottle for like a dollar at the stores near me & id take one to school a lot an drink the whole thin #[Sometimes id be able to get a whole 2 liter. Tho I couldn't drink the whole thing during the day [mainly just to save it for later rlly]]#which i would then have after the can id get every morning.....#im better now i swear #tho it was always very funny when i had a class with a friend where id slowly pull the very long bottle out from my bag #the face they would make is always so funny to me still #so i have a feeling i know *exactly* what face his teacher made #either like a mix of astonishment & confusion or its just disappointment #a “why are you like this” typea look #its great #however his story is still horrifying #i drink monster a bit & like one can is enough for me for a day [if i can finish it even]#maybe if i clutched onto that instead of mnt dew during school years id be just like him then #im in the good timeline thank god #rant over lol my bad

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lightningzbolt · 2 months ago

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Scene Awsten Hair (And some bonus clothes)

While I made hair for Awsten before, I was never satisfied with the shape of the scene hair, and for a long time I felt this base mesh from Backyard Stuff, which I kept thinking was from Cool Kitchen Stuff, for awhile, would be perfect. But the bangs went the wrong way, so I decided to mirror the mesh in Blender, as that is like the only hair related thing I can modify, but then the UV mapping on the back was off, if you wanted to know why I screenshotted a lot of low angles, so I fixed that. And I'm really picky about which direction bangs fall. :)

Due to it being a mesh edit, it should not require any packs, tho due to the UV mapping editing, this hair is just standalone. Not to fret! In case you REALLY want this hair mirrored with the default textures and UV mapping, I made that too.

Pictured above is how Awsten normally treats me in this game. Due to how I made all this hair for him, I am able to have outfits for him and up to 4 different hairs with all different colors. The tricolor I use all the time, red & black for a few specific outfits, blue for just one, and now scene for two. This only matters to me really, but in case you're like me and like your Sims to change hair style and color a lot.

Scene Awsten Hair

Mirrored Backyard Stuff Hair

As a bonus, as I'm never gonna get to share these otherwise, I made some shirt and shoe recolors for him, the shoes and long stripes shirt are extra swatches onto vanilla stuff, the striped t-shirt is standalone. I spent like an hour on the damn shoes, I am sharing them. Oh and fingernails too. Those come with a second swatch for Jack, so two swatches. All should be base game. The shoes and tshirt come with extra swatches, the long sleeved shirt just has the one.

Striped T-shirt

Sneakers

Long Sleeved Striped Shirt

Duel Color Fingernails

#sims 4 cc #sims 4 #the sims 4 #ts4 cc #the sims cc #ts4 #sims 4 cas #ts4 cas #cas #awsten knight #waterparks #hair #top #accessories #shoes #fingernails #Sorry about the red glow #werewolf fury you know #I'm trying to use Awsten to do the current Reaper Challenge as idk it felt like something he'd do and plus he already has some crops growin #And his skills are decent enough #Except his fishing sucks but who needs to fish when you can hunt #Anyway he is horrifically unruly and doesn't listen to me and is only saved by being too funny to stay mad at #Cringe from For Rent is the perfect trait for him #For Rent has amazing traits but I couldn't give two fucks about anything else #So I paid $40 to have Awsten dab and annoy other Sims with memes. Worth it? Probably #I even recolored that tie-dye shirt but since it's someone else's CC I'm not sharing it #I try to avoid using other CC for bases if I intend to share something just out of common curtesey #And because in 20 years one of the two halves will be nuked from the internet and impossible to find and that will make me sad #Because I browse Sims 2 CC all the time and constantly run into dead links and missing dependencies for the best looking emo hair this side #of 2004 and it kills me every time. I make a lot of random things and don't want to share if I didn't make it all or it's not half vanilla.

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mejomonster · 7 days ago

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being sad because of chronic illness is like... go to therapist. therapist says "well don't be so negative! maybe you can go do X more!" and you're like "well no I physically can't." and then they go "well maybe your doctor could do more, have you checked X Y Z?" and you go "well I have 5 doctors, and saw 4 others, and they've ran a ton of tests and done surgeries for the past 5 years, and I was MUCH worse before so comparatively they've done a lot, and they don't intend to do more, this is as good as it gets, and this is how it is probably going to be for my whole life. So no, I don't think I'll have more energy/ability to do X more in a year." therapist "well, never say never, maybe in a year you will be better!" me "yes. but i will also feel pretty emotionally crushed if i plan to be perfectly healthy in a year, then i'm not and still can't do any of the things i made myself excited to do." therapist "well... focus on what you can do! what can you do today that you like?" and i'm like "well i had to work today, to keep my healthcare, and i had to sit up to see you, which also exhausted me so... either i'll use the rest of my spoons to shower and eat dinner, or watch 1 show episode and eat dinner..." therapist "oh well... maybe you can do something fun... on the weekend?" me "well if i don't grocery shop, i will probably have energy to see 1 friend for a few hours. i may try to do that." also me - just do not mention the nonstop nausea and pain even doing things i like because we will re-enter the beginning of the loop where the therapist asks why can't you take more medicine, isn't there more treatment options, and i have to very hopelessly remind myself that no actually there is no option i'm not already doing and this pain is just something i have to fucking live with and i'd really rather not RUMINATE on that depressing ass situation over and over again.

#rant #my health issues #basically ive been really sad lately with my spoons becoming less and fearing i'm going to only be able to do 1-2 things a day again #and losing the limited spoons i had for things i enjoy really HITS hard you know #but i know i cant really ask a therapist for help with THIS depression #because when they are NOT chronically ill they just cannot understand why i wont SOME DAY BE HEALTHY AGAIN #i wont. i cant hope for that. i can hope but its not something i can make my life plans based on.#i have to plan what i do this week and next week based on my actual situation and what i can actually do!#the only thing i've found that helps this awful sadness is reminding myself of the small things i like which i can still do maybe once a we #i gotta remind myself i couldn't even eat solid food a couple years ago. if nothing else i can hold onto the fact i can ENJOY tasting #a piece of chocolate or bite of bread even if all i can do is work and lay down #its still better than work/lay down/protein shakes as the only thing i can hold down #i just miss my friends so bad. i miss having energy to walk the block outside. i miss energy to visit my dogs at my parents #i miss having energy to grocery shop. i miss having energy to sit up and paint.#i miss being able to do those things so fucking much #i have energy to do like 1 of those things once every few weeks.#im so fucking sad dawg

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agueforts · 1 month ago

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me vs eternal grudges abt d20 captions

#aspen tag #maybe i just need to start watching the backlog without them on tbh #bc every time i run into a godawful error. of which there is no shortage of. i get so frustrated i literally have to stop watching #and like. idk. the new form system is. i know there's probably practical benefits #but from where i am sitting it's just like. additional barriers. more steps. more energy #i watched the new dirty laundry earlier today. with the lightning flashing effect at the beginning #and i checked the desc to see if there was any sort of warnings on the vid and there was nothing #and i thought about pulling up the feedback form to say smth and i just felt tired #and like. idk if any of u were ever active in the discord's caption corrections channel before it shut down #i joined the dropout server for it. i was in there exclusively for it. bc they got on my nerves so bad and i couldn't just do nothing #you could look up a particular line and find reports of it going back months and months #and i get that it was probably not easily indexable. but w/ the way older d20 episodes are #it was a fucking blessing to be able to submit them in bulk. instead of submitting a form for each one individually like u have to now #bc they're like. every 30 seconds. you're lucky if you go a couple minutes without smth almost unparseable #and when there'd be things like unlabeled flashing. or the gore bear. and u start writing up a message on the discord #it's like. there's a sense of people. someone's reading. someone's seeing it. even in just the reacts. y'know #and like. they have retroactive caption editors to clean up the old stuff as of 2024 #but i'm four minutes into tuc episode 2. their third season ever. second episode. four minutes in #and zac says “it's a concentration” and the captions read “white's a constant station”#and i just ..... i guess i find it hard to feel like there's work being done. or like it's a priority #i. me personally. sent messages in the feedback channel about jokes in the captions on at least five or six seperate occasions #and i know there were other people speaking up about it too. over months and months #and the past... however many seasons it's been since burrow's end. have been a little better. but it's like....#it took so long to see any change. and those older ones are going to stay in until the retroactive editors catch all the way up #and people are still going to laugh at them and post about them and not think past their own amusement at them #and it's not that big of a deal but it does like. detract from how much i am able to enjoy d20 #and like. i've been watching for three years. i never shut up about it. it's not like i don't like what they make #but between all of this and the way they handled palestine on the discord. i'm just finding it harder to trust in dropout #idk. idk. it's not a big thing. but it simmers in the back of my mind a lot. i don't rlly think it's going to change anytime soon #so i guess this is just putting it somewhere so it doesn't have to sit in my head all the time. um. yeah 👍

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purpurussy · 4 months ago

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#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

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laurzvahll · 3 months ago

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this drawing is almost 2 years old

#happy almost 2 year anniversary of me being obsessed with this guy I hate him and I want him dead. (makes out with him sloppy style)#context is just that my pokemon obsession was super strong around that time and then suddenly idek what happened or what flipped the switch #or how it started or ????? but I couldn't stop thinking Abt him. I don't even know #I still kinda like how he looks here he looks funny #idek if I posted this on Tumblr when it was drawn but oh well

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jklpopcorn · 4 months ago

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Artfight attacks for kiwiichu, fortunatehail, CornVention (@silverfox419), gwumig (@gwumig), Kitsipher and monkeytylee!

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sovamurka · 19 hours ago

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bad news, I think I developed a serious case of ED, that may have been provoked by my meds

#I don't feel hunger. at all. it scares me. and when I try to eat something my body revolts EVEN IF THAT'S LITERALLY MY FAVOURITE FOOD.#I almost cried from shame today when my plate was full of food and I couldn't eat even 1/4 of it #I don't throw up. I used to feel nauseous for at least 2 weeks but... now I don't feel anything. literally anything.#the only way I know that my body needs food is when I feel something burning a little in my stomach.#I hate this. I can only drink water and tea without feeling like an empty neurotic shell.#I want this to end so badly. I want to enjoy eating food again. I hope I'll make it out this time.#I'm so tired of being on the verge of death for the last two years.#I almost died from pneumonia this year. I still have a damaged lung. and epilepsy on top of that. I don't want to die. I DON'T WANT TO DIE.#sorry. it's just... I'm so tired. I'm so. so tired.

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newtness532 · 19 days ago

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so jealous of everyone who went to the guts tour btw

#not even 10 minutes into the movie but im having a fun time #also side note #the cat just came and tried sitting on my lap? this is literally the 3rd time she has ever done that in the 2 years we've had her?#she couldn't get comfortable though and left to sit next to me where the blanket is #but if i knew dramatically singing along to ballad of a homeschooled girl was all it took to make it happen i would do it more often lol #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

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luxlightly · 9 months ago

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Listening to myself on recording: "Oh. hello Kelsey, my sister Kelsey. That sure is...just exactly your voice, huh? That's just the exact same voice as my sister, huh?" Hhhhh...dysphoria....

#I sound a lot like my sister #except not as good #it was a whole thing back in my home town #kelsey 2: the sequel that couldn't live up to the original #i don't want to be my sister #I can't really escape that shadow though #even all these years later #especially when I can't even use my own voice without it just being her voice #also my sister is the most cishet woman I know #and not in like a bad or bigoted way #just someone who is very very sure of their gender and sexuality #a bastion of womanhold #so having the same voice when I'm someone who does not really jive with womanhood makes me dysphoric

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seaofreverie · 2 months ago

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The Me who bought tickets to see TMBG in february 2023 and the Me who's going to actually go to the show next month are two completely different people

#slash extremely negative #it's funny to actually live this whole sort of cliche of: the time between buying tickets and going to the show can be so absurdly long #with what was supposed to be my 1st 'real' concert no less #'i bought the tickets as a teenager but i'm going to see them in my 20s etc' and stuff like that #and then when it gets rescheduled too... well. a year and 9 months is in fact a pretty long time!!!#and i'm not even talking about rescheduling due to covid because god at least i didn't have to deal with that i guess #(it IS funny though that by the time the 30th anniversary of flood tour ends #flood will be 2 months away from turning 35. so yeah lmao a lot happened in the meantime huh)#anyways day two of going crazy going insane for no reason other than well i guess that's just my life now!!!!! 😃😃😃#me when i say i'll stop documenting my rapidly progressing mental breakdown online and then keep doing it anyway #but idk maybe this will heal me in some way. my only hope rn no joke #and my mom actually seemed to be unsure if i we should book the hotels and stuff because. ig i'm this obviously unwell even over the phone #but BY GOD this is the only thing i can really look forward to right now i really need this to survive #(trying to forget how i was doing in september of last year when they rescheduled the tour #and i couldn't even be sure if i'd ever get to see them in the end lollllll #and at the heights of my tmbg obsession this was my number 1 dream. i mean it still is)#also i think i'm finally entering my tmbg autumn era now with some more frequent listening after not doing so for a while #how could i let myself pretty much forget that i love tmbg??? and that their music is so good and makes me happy???#they're still my fav band of all time just like they were back then. THAT didn't change at least #it's just that now they share that spot with sparks also lol. can't choose between them and why should i anyway #what else. ig i just hope i get the energy to finally draw tomorrow at least #because if i don't turn the ideas i have into reality then they will never become real! and that would be so sad #so maybe this can be my main reason to continue for now. whatever #goosepost

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pluggedintosaverockandroll · 10 months ago

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you know it's exam season because i'm questioning all my life choices

#you know i don't mind going to classes actually but studying and taking exams makes me feel like i'm a cog in a machine #as i got older i started caring less about school actually not because i don't think it's important #but because it makes me feel like a product of capitalism #why did i choose this major?#do i even still like it?#do i want to work in this field later?#like i think that no matter my feelings on my major i'm not gonna change it #bc 1 i already got this far 2 i don't know what else i would wanna do and 3 i couldn't live with the feeling of failure #i just have to make it through another 2 and a half years of uni at least #and right now i just have to make it through the next week and a half #god i want exams to be over #i don't have any motivation anymore and i don't care about the classes i have to study for that much #anyways can you tell that my last exam didn't go well ?#i should be nicer to myself bc it's weekend and i am never that productive for uni in weekend anyway #anyways thanks for coming to my rant #kj post

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canni-killer · 9 months ago

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finish drawing. feel proud! see three pieces of art. i want to kill myself.

#ive been drawing for years why am i so bad #inconsistent also #bad AND inconsistent #anyways did anyone see the pic i drew haha its good right #who am i fucking kidding its awful #everything i make art writing knitting sewing etc its all terrible #no matter how much i practice i never improve #i cant write either my writing is terrible #and ive p much abandoned knitting #i occasionally sew holes in clothes but im bad at it #i have no fuckng skills #i should be good at this stuff its all stuff ive been doing sonce i was a fucking child #why is my baby cousin better at knitting than mr #why is my cousin so much better at art when were the same age and ive been drawing longer #i cant act either. or sing. i used to want to do musical theater but yknow #i cant bring myself to pick up my guitar cuz i know ill never be good at it. it frirates me to practice.#i played trombone for 2 ½ years and never got any better #i couldn't even read a single scale and my playing was quiet and bad #fuck #fuck fuck fuck #ill mever be good at anything #im a hack. talentless. unskilled. in every way possible.#can i find one fucking thing that im good at #“do it for yourself!” I CANT I FUCKING CANT if no one else likes it then its not good #and if its not good theres no point to it #becuz its just another way in which ive failed #i hate myself. im a disgusting failure #and im too cowardly to even kill myself #“im living for so and so :3” LIES LIES ITS ALL LIES IM ALIVE BECUZ IM A COWARD #everyone else will be fine without me. maybe happier even. i just cant do it cuz im fucking scared. another gd thing im a failure at.

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narrativeats · 3 months ago

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whenever i mention that i am bisexual my mom's face just goes 😐🫥 for a second and then tries to act cool it's hilarious and also very disheartening she is pretty ok with other lgbt people and supports them but when it comes to me it's like she accepts me despite it or thinks im not serious and ignores me but i've learned to be content with that

#i think she is also scared for me because when i first came out she told me to don't tell anyone no matter what #because it could cause a lot of trouble in my academic/job life and we are definitely not in a financial situation to get over it #it's been over 3 years but even now 2-3 irl ppl know abt it #idk man #i grew up in a homophobic environment in a really small city i didn't even know what bisexuality was until like 13 14 #and since my english wasn't good and didn't have internet access regularly due to living in rural area i wasn't aware of anything #after we move out to a big city i was mentally better but coming terms with myself was really fucking hard #so when she makes that face i kind of feel lonely #anyways i didn't mean to vent this much but yesterday this happened and i couldn't stop thinking about it #ilay.txt

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