#i could probably get my mental health tested again at some point and see what's up there

[danielnelsen]

there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn

[evilbihan]

Would u say bi han has anger issues?

Bi-Han does not have anger issues

But I can see why people would jump to that conclusion.

Let me say two things upfront before I elaborate on this topic: the writers have a very obvious bias for Scorpion and against Bi-Han which reflects in their writing and the way they twisted the story in Kuai Liang's favor to get the audience to root for him, despite of him being just as much in the wrong as Bi-Han is. However, we don't get to see any moments of Bi-Han outside of his role as grandmaster. We only get to see one side of him and we only get to see him in situations where his anger is provoked. I can see why that would automatically lead some people to believe Bi-Han would react with anger in other sitautions too, because that's all we've seen of him, but it's wrong. The story mode alone is not a reliable source to determine what Bi-Han's personality really is like.

When we're first introduced to Bi-Han during the tea house fight, it's quite obvious that he's unhappy with the whole situation. He doesn't seem angry to me, but rather insulted that he was given such a "lowly" task. His proud warrior clan is expected to pose as goons in order to test two farmers. Bi-Han is a very prideful man. It's understandable why he would seem annoyed or impatient here. He considers this test a waste of the Lin Kuei's time and skills. Not to mention, his pride is hurt when Kung Lao taunts him on top of all this. It only fuels his frustration further.

In the chapter where Johnny is recruited, Bi-Han finally blows up. He attacks Johnny and yes, he's furious this time, but again, not because he has anger issues. His reaction, though it may seem over the top at first, is actually justified when you think about it.

Kuai Liang later admitted that he was aware of Bi-Han's frustrations for a while, meaning that Bi-Han has probably kept quiet about them for years and they've just continued to build up to the point where he could no longer contain his anger. Imagine swallowing your pride for so long, reluctantly following orders you're secretly questioning while each time you show the slightest sign of doubt, you're being reprimanded by your own brothers and compared to your father, the very man who never believed in you and your visions. That along with the secret he had been keeping from his brothers about the circumstances of their father's death must have been a lot of additional pressure on Bi-Han's shoulders and on his mental health. Add to that the responsibilites and duties that come with being a grandmaster and you can see why he was bound to blow up like that sooner or later.

Johnny yelled at Bi-Han, touched him without his consent and got punched as a result of that. Then there's the fight in which Johnny defeats Bi-Han and Kuai Liang and it's the second time Bi-Han feels humiliated. His anger here is understandable in my opinion, especially considering that Liu Kang, who Bi-Han's Lin Kuei have served loyally for generations, sided with Johnny, a stranger, against him. Undoubtedly, this is the moment Bi-Han decided Liu Kang no longer deserves their loyalty or respect.

The scene of Bi-Han snapping at Tomas could easily be seen as an overreaction on Bi-Han's part because we, as the viewers, are witnessing this and listening to this for the first time, but from Bi-Han's perspective and judging by the way he reacts, it was definitely not the first time Tomas and Kuai Liang brought up their father and reminded him of the old grandmaster's teachings. I can imagine Bi-Han already feels haunted by his father's ghost and by what he did (his way of justifying his decision to himself implies regret) and his brothers' constant whining about their father certainly isn't helping.

That doesn't mean Bi-Han always snaps at his brothers when they disagree with him or that he always reacts this way when being met with criticism. I feel like he's just trying so hard to earn his brothers' respect and that it deep down hurts him that they still respect their fathers' teachings more than his.

When Bi-Han attacks Kuai Liang, he's angry and disappointed because his brothers betrayed him and broke their oaths to him. It must have felt so liberating for him to finally tell Kuai Liang the truth, to no longer keep everything bottled up inside him. He seems enthusiastic to pursue this new path and share it with his brothers, but they refuse to believe in his vision, just like their father did.

To sum it all up, I don't think Bi-Han is short-tempered or hot-headed per se. We only see him in scenes that are intentionally set up to paint him in a bad light and we're only introduced to him after his frustrations have gotten to the point where they have deeply corrupted him.

Kitana confirmed that Bi-Han was once a decent person, he was once someone Tomas looked up to and Kuai Liang was close with. We just never got to see that version of Bi-Han. However, good!Titan Bi-Han is a pretty good indicator of what Bi-Han was like before his frustrations poisoned him and he seems calm, kind and deeply at peace with himself and the world around him. Bi-Han's anger stems from how long he has kept his emotions bottled up inside of him. It doesn't mean he always blows up at the smallest things or that his only response to disagreement is violence.

Also, from a meta standpoint, Scorpion has always been the hot-headed, vengeful character with the anger issues while Sub-Zero has always been the cold and rational character. While some people claim their traits have been swapped in the new era, I personally disagree.

As proven by the scene where Bi-Han is nearly murdered by Kuai Liang in his rage, Scorpion is still the one with the anger issues. Meanwhile, during their fight, Bi-Han holds himself back and only scars Kuai Liang when he could have just easily killed him, but he doesn't give in to his anger and instead offers his brother a chance to reconsider.

However, there are a few examples of both brothers acting out of character in the story mode, such as Kuai Liang being depicted as the calmer, more reasonable brother, when he's very much beyond reason and gets criticized for being blinded by his thirst for vengeance by both Liu Kang and himself from an alternate timeline.

Kuai Liang is the one with the anger issues, not Bi-Han.

I'm not trying to paint one brother as good and the other as evil, just for the record. Both brothers are ruthlessly pursuing their goals, blinded by their own ideals. Both brothers are guilty of spilling the other's blood and both have made very questionable choices.

Regardless, I think Bi-Han's anger throughout the story mode is very much justified when you know the character's full story.

[sirfrogsworth]

I am so confused.

Even when this lens was first released it was $850 brand new.

Does he think people aren't going to check current prices? Did he get scammed and overpay originally? Not to mention eBay gives you a suggestion for pricing.

I really wish I hadn't sold my lenses. There was a point where I had a major decline in my health and I could no longer make comedy for my main website. At the same time, my parents were getting sicker and needed more help. We were also struggling financially. I was so depressed and I was sure I'd never do photography again, so I sold most of my lenses.

We needed the money at that moment, but in the grand scheme of things, the lens money barely made a dent in our situation. Not to mention, we got a small inheritance from my grandmother soon after, so that increased my regret. It took me years of scrounging and saving to build up a collection of 5 lenses. None of them top of the line, but all of them a good value for their performance.

Thankfully I kept the lens I used to take pictures of Otis—my "puppy lens." But my ultra wide, my macro, my tele, and my portrait lens... all gone.

And now I am trying to figure out the cheapest way I can do what I want to do with photography and I'm remembering just how expensive this hobby is. But I think I need to figure this out because I have had a substantial boost in my mental health since I started taking photos again.

A good 50mm could serve several roles. I can add extension tubes for macro. It is about 75mm on an APS-C camera, which is good for portraits. The wide aperture would allow low light photography. Combined with my Otis lens, all I'd be missing is telephoto and ultra wide angle, but honestly I never did much of that anyway. Though ultra wide angle photography is probably the most fun you can have taking pictures—even if the photographic uses are rare.

I did get a Nifty Fifty for my trip to Orlando. I wanted to see if I could get away with using a $100 lens. For the price, it is surprisingly good. And it is the first lens I recommend to anyone starting photography—as almost every camera brand has its own version. But I had several issues trying to make it work for my needs.

It's not very sharp, which is actually fine for shots taken at a distance, but would be a deal breaker for product photos and macro shots which are very close up. Those require as much detail as possible, especially if you need to crop. When you are trying to show people the fine hairs on a bee's body, a soft image just isn't going to have the same impact.

It also does not nail focus consistently and it back focuses (it focuses more behind than in front). Which is a deal breaker for my efforts to use less energy. When I did my portrait shoot with Katrina, I had to do many test shots and look at them on the computer to make sure I was getting them in focus. I was going back and forth and getting up and down. In the end I had to use a smaller aperture and higher ISO to get increased depth of field. And even then the tip of her nose was soft in the photos. Not to mention the added noise from raising the ISO.

This Sigma is a wonderful lens. I'm trying to find a good deal used, but it's still out of reach for now. I have no idea what my financial future is right now and until I know for sure that my brother will release my inheritance in March, I have to be more careful with my budget.

I am going to sell all of my studio lighting gear and use those funds to help me set up a new studio upstairs. I'm hoping that will cover the new lights I will need, but I don't think it will be enough for a lens. Someone suggested a site where I can turn my yard into a dog park, so I am looking into that. I might also see if I can get some gigs restoring photos for people, but it is so difficult finding clients.

Every problem has a solution. And maybe the universe will do me a favor and keep my brother from being terrible just this once.

[brb-on-a-quest]

What's one of your favorite childhood memories?

Hello, friend, good to see you, even if you do hide in the shadows. Hope you are well. <3

Let me tell you about a time I fell in love with storytelling all over again. I grew up on stories; I loved having my dad read to me when I was little (we read Narnia books, the Hobbit, the Lord of the Rings, Robin Hood, etc. I loved *all* of it). I loved the stories of found families and tight friendships like it was my bread and butter because I hadn't made any friends I could get closed to bc family moved around a lot (a decision I don't resent my family for now, but despised as a kid), and I wasn't really *that* close to my family either due to probably a variety of factors, not excluding mental health issues. I won't delve for the sake of length, you get the point. I was a sad and lonely child and my closest friends were imaginary. Anyway back to more concrete events:

We had just moved from Florida to Virginia, which is about 1000 miles away and over 13 hour drive (for context), and we had just started a new co-op (think like homeschool school, but it only met like once a week, it was one of the ways we'd start building up a new social circle or something). And one of the classes I took in was something music (more likely theater? related but that might have a different semester) and the first week of this co-op I remember they gave us a bingo card with a bunch of famous movie soundtracks and they told us we were going to identify the movie based on the song alone.

I got 2/20 or something bc I hadn't even heard of most of these movies bc i just hadn't been exposed to it. It was things like Batman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, maybe spongebob- pop culture stuff that I just hadn't seen. So everyone else was getting excited and I was feeling more and more out of the loop and alone.

I swear this turns happy at the end, bear with me, anon. They play the final music track and I don't recognize it at all but it fills me with such great joy and a call for a new adventure that I hadn't even realized music could do that before (we didn't listen to a lot of our own music growing up, it was mainly whatever my parents found appropriate or what my dad liked).

It was How To Train Your Dragon. Test Drive. John Powell. And then like the musical scores, they showed the scene it was from. A boy and his dragon racing, flying through the air. And I fell in love With the characters arcs per se, but I could tell there was a deep lore there and a story of friendship that I craved so much. It was also right up my alley with stories my Dad had read me so there was also that. But like the music was fantastic, I really liked the visuals at the time (i usually hate most 3D animation films, HTTYD is the exception), and I craved the story behind it.

I saved up money from Birthday and Christmas and ended up buying it. And I watched it. And I fell in love even harder. Cause, in some sense, I related to hiccup too much. I was a creative person, like he was, I had very little friends like he did at the beginning, we had similar senses of humor at some points, and he was fascinated with knowing and learning things. And he had a big dragon friend and i again craved that friendship deeply. So he added to the crew of imaginary friends and I went on many imaginary adventures with Hiccup and Toothless and told myself so many stories that I wish I could remember now for writing inspo.

I ended up moving from Virginia to middle of nowhere Midwest US (not saying where in case the Fey Find Out), and I did end up meeting my IRL Toothless. A little bit scary on the outside at firsts, but with an actual heart of a silly, goofy, dragon. (brb, im getting emotional just thinking about it. It'd be about 7 years now? Coming up? I may be bad at math. I feel old and happy and content.)

So yeh, in short it was a very much right place, right time kind of story and film. I still watch it a lot whenever I need a comfort film that's not as long as LOTR or something. I love the soundtrack and all of the things about it. Sorry, this was probably way longer than it should've been but IDK how to describe my love for this story without giving you some context.

[ninjagirlstar5]

Protag Teruya AU - Yuki Maeda's FTEs (Part 2)

"Don't worry, the next update won't take as long!" I said, you know, like a liar.

Guess what? College has once again kicked my ass, but that's mostly thanks to my psychology class requiring a LOT of note-taking from a textbook, and that can take HOURS to do. But now that this semester over and we're on summer break, I should, theoretically, have more time to write. I just need to get my ass to sit down and WRITE.

Life update aside, Teruya and Yuki are doing some one-on-one bonding and it seems to going well!

...Until it doesn't.

TWs: Implied Past Suicide, Past Death

AO3 Version

Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

The Protag Teruya AU was inspired by @/anotherprofessional’s post! Beware of Void spoilers though!  

Fic is under read more!

“Come on, Yuki! Ten more push-ups!”

“T-Ten more?!”

Teruya snorts into his water bottle. Yuki looks up from his place on the floor, sending a frown his way.

“Don’t…laugh at me…! O-Once I’m done here…I’m taking a nice long nap!” Yuki said, before obeying Shinji’s orders and starting up his next push-up. Teruya just smiles before taking another sip of his water.

It was the afternoon, and Teruya decided to spend some time with Shinji in the fitness room to keep in shape. Shinji was sharing what kind of workout routine firefighters use when Yuki had come into the room very suddenly, looking around as if he was searching for something. His eyes had landed on him but before he could say anything, Shinji had swooped in and taken him under his wing once more, declaring that they were going to continue his training starting with the treadmills. Despite his hesitance, it was very easy to rope Yuki into working out.

Teruya can’t help but smile as he watches them interact. It was really sweet how easily the two of them became friends, especially since Shinji was determined to help Yuki get stronger both mentally and physically.

He just hopes things stay as peaceful as they are right now.

“Augh.” Yuki collapses onto the floor, his arms spread out like a starfish. “I…I did it. No more.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know. I think it’s time we test out the dumbbells.” Shinji said, approaching the weights. Teruya, who had been leaning against the ping pong table, decided he had enough of watching Yuki struggling to keep up and decided to intervene.

“Actually, I think it’s time we all took a break. Just watching Yuki collapse on the floor is enough to tire me out.” Teruya said, lowering his water bottle onto his lap. Shinji pauses before staring down at Yuki’s form. He didn’t even bother to get up.

“...You know what? You’re probably right.” Shinji relents as he awkwardly drops his shoulders. “If Hajime were here, he’d be scolding me for pushing you too hard.”

“You think?” Yuki dryly said. Teruya rubs his fingers against the bottle, the plastic crinkling under his touch.

“Well, he is the most concerned about health. And even he acknowledges that we should be taking breaks every now and then.” He sent him a smile. “Besides, I’ll get bored if we keep training all day.”

“I guess we’ll be stopping here, then.” Shinji said, and Yuki let out a sigh. The firefighter is quick to point at the both of them though as he raises his voice. “But we’ll be picking up where we left off tomorrow!! After breakfast, we’re hitting the dumbbells, got it?!”

“Cool…see you later, Big Bro…” Yuki agreed without much fuss. Teruya can’t tell if Yuki is this much of a doormat, or he’s a lot more excited to hang out than he’s letting on due to his exhaustion.

“I’ll be there.” It was nice to get a good burn from a workout. It helps him manage his anxiety while keeping him fit. And he enjoyed hanging out with Shinji and Hajime anyway. They were one of the first people he bonded with among the class.

“Great! I’m gonna go check up on Hajime then. See you at dinner!” Shinji then left the fitness room. Once he is gone, Teruya walks over to Yuki and kneels down.

“You alright, Yuki?” He asked. Yuki manages to turn himself over onto his back. He looked exhausted.

“I didn’t mean to get roped into working out like that…ugh.” Yuki rubs his face. “And knowing Big Bro, he’ll drag me back here right after breakfast.”

“You have the right to say ‘no,’ you know.” He pointed out unhelpfully, prodding Yuki with his finger. The student swats his hand away, apparently having enough energy to do that much.

“I-I know that! I just…” Yuki puts his hands over his face, covering his expression completely. His voice becomes muffled. “No one has ever taken that much of an interest in me before…”

“No one?” That’s strange. It’s not like Yuki is weird or anything. He’s a pretty chill guy and Teruya can tell that he can get along with pretty much anyone as long as he reaches out. Personally speaking, it had been easy to get along with him so far on Teruya’s end.

Of course, that’s ignoring the way his head hurts whenever he looks at him.

“Mmm…Yeah.” Yuki said, slowly sitting up. “To be honest…while I did hang out with other people at school, I, uh, didn’t really go out that much. Or have many friends.”

“Huh…Who woulda thought? I know you’re pretty passive and introverted, but you get along with everyone here just fine.” Teruya sits beside him. Yuki scratches his cheek, looking away in his embarrassment.

“Well, the thing is…there’s usually a bunch of people with us whenever we’re talking. I’m, uh, actually pretty shy.”

Shy, huh…?

Teruya never thought Yuki could be shy.

He never…really came off that way from what he saw. He's just a little awkward, that’s all.

He should reach out more. He should trust a bit more.

No, wait, that thought is a little dangerous. Especially in a situation like this. And while there’s nothing wrong with trying to put faith in other people, too much of it could leave you vulnerable. He didn’t want Yuki to get hurt if he were to get taken advantage of.

…Well, not like Shinji would let his doubts stop him. He’s more than willing to let out a helping hand, even at the risk of getting himself burned. It might be why he latched onto Yuki so quickly out of everyone here. He clearly wants to help him come out of his shell…in his own way.

“…I see. I don’t have any memories of my past, so I can’t say for sure what my advice would be.” If this was a normal class field trip, Teruya probably would’ve encouraged him to hang out with the rest of his classmates. To try something new with them. But right now, they were in a killing game, which comes with a life-or-death risk. But…since they were already here together… “Wanna ask each other questions?”

“Huh?? Uh, sure. Like what?” Yuki blinks his wide eyes at him. He seems to be surprised at the suggestion. Teruya thinks on the idea for a moment.

“Well…we can start simple, I guess. How about hobbies and favorite foods?” He asked, already thinking of his own answers. Yuki snorts.

“Those topics are pretty meaningless.” He said as he scratched his cheek. Teruya pouts before slapping his hand against the floor. He didn’t want to risk breaking the no violence rule.

“Hey, I think they’re great as starting points! You never know what you’ll find in common with someone.” Especially when it comes to hobbies. If they can find something similar they can enjoy together, then that’s just the prime opportunity to create a deeper bond.

“Okay, okay! I do think it could help us get a little closer.” Yuki waves his hands in an attempt to placate Teruya. The student curls his hand near his chin as he takes a moment to think. “When it comes to hobbies…I guess I’d have to go with video games. I have a PlayRotation back at home, so…”

“Oh yeah, didn’t you want that PlayRotation back at the gift shop?” Teruya asked, recalling the time they spent investigating the Monocruise. At this point, he can navigate it just fine without guidance due to its simple layout.

“Augh, yeah. I still don’t have enough Crow Cards for it. Oh well…” He sighs but suddenly starts to smile like another thought had hit him. “Oh yeah! Have you tried cup ramen from the store? It’s actually pretty good. Not to mention fast and convenient.”

“I have.” He shared some with Iroha when he had caught her in the kitchen trying to cook for herself. “The noodles are good, but it’s even better when you chop up your own fresh ingredients and toss them into the pot yourself.”

“Wow, I never thought of that, actually.” Yuki said, his eyes even going wide at the idea alone. Teruya snorts.

“Really? Why wouldn’t you?” Teruya crosses his legs. “The noodles are already handmade and you have the sauce in the package right there. You just need to grab your own ingredients like ham, lettuce, spinach, and eggs, cook them and combine them together after boiling the noodles. And viola! You have a full course meal.”

“True, that does sound good.” Yuki chuckles. “But I prefer how quick and convenient it is. You just need to add some hot water, close the lid, and let time do all the work for you.”

“But it’s so much better when you add something you like to it!”

“Pfft…” Yuki covers his mouth, trying to hide his smile and the laugh that threatens to spill out of him. “Geez, how did we start debating over noodles of all things?”

“I don’t know, but you know I’m right.” Teruya teased and Yuki rolled his eyes. There was a brief moment of silence before he suddenly speaks up.

“Have you found any hobbies, Teruya?” Yuki asked, going back to the other question that he had yet to answer for himself. Teruya hums, intertwining his hands together.

“Well…I’ve picked up sewing.” Teruya admits, circling his thumbs around each other. Yuki blinks his eyes.

“Sewing?” He seemed caught off guard by the idea. Teruya nods his head.

“Yeah. I even have the kit on me.” Teruya gets up from the floor to grab his backpack, walking back to Yuki so he could show him. He pulls out a box that was small and compact, made out of wood but he had painted a rainbow on it to add a bit of flair to it. Just as he opens up the box to show Yuki the tools, he starts to snort. Teruya raises an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“N-Nothing, it’s just…” Yuki tries to cover up his smile with his hand. “What’s with you and rainbows?”

“Wha…” Teruya pouts, narrowing his eyes. “The rainbow can be really cool in symbolism! Like, being the floating bridge of heaven the creators used to descend and create the land we live on! Or how they’re bridges between humans and the supernatural! Or even used as a symbol of cooperation and peace! Honestly, I don’t understand why people see the rainbow as something childish!” He huffs, turning away and hiding his sewing kit from Yuki’s sight. When he doesn’t respond with some kind of tease, Teruya feels a tinge of awkwardness and turns back around. Yuki was staring at him and he can’t help but feel subconscious about it. “…uh, Yuki?”

“Huh?” The student blinks his eyes before coming back to awareness. “Oh! Sorry. I got a little distracted.” He slowly smiles at him, scratching at his cheek. “You…really know a lot about rainbows, huh? Are you religious, perhaps?”

“Uh…no, I don’t think so.” Teruya denies it as he remembers the Uehara Bell Tower. Even if it wasn’t a religion he was a part of, just looking at it did nothing to stir any feelings of belief in God or any other holy being. That being said… “I think I believe in an afterlife, but I’m not interested in any kind of faith. Why?”

“Oh, uh, I was just asking since you brought up heaven and creators.” Yuki puts his hand on his lap, scooting closer. “I definitely learned something new about rainbows, though.”

“Yeah…” He trials off. He suppose he researched a lot about rainbows if he was so interested in them. Not that he’s complaining, he loves rainbows and just seeing it brings a sense of comfort and familiarity to him. His hand brushes over the rainbow that’s sewn in his jacket before bringing out the sewing kit again. “Anyways, I’ve been practicing sewing clothes and stuff on my own during downtime. I started with some tiny bean bags before moving onto clothing, like bags and shirts.”

“Wow, really? How’d they turn out?” Yuki leans in, his interest peaking. Teruya grins and pulls out his handbook. Going into the photo gallery, he shows him the first projects he made since starting his hobby. He started with the bean bags, some of which were a bit misshapen but quickly improved the more he made, creating a small pile on his desk from worst to best from bottom to top. Of course, when he was fully confident in skills, he had made a rainbow one with ease and set it at the very top of the pile. He then showed pictures of the bags he had made, starting with simple knot bags to six-pocket bags. But eventually, he had quickly gotten bored with just doing bags and quickly moved onto an easy pullover shirt. All these projects had a rainbow somewhere in their design. Yuki stared at the pictures, amazed but also a little confused if his furrowed brow was any indication. “This is…really good stuff. But, where did you even get the materials for this?”

“Oh, I bought all the materials from the mart or the gift shop. It had practically everything I could need in there, from silk to cotton to polyester…It felt like heaven!” Teruya couldn’t wipe the dumb grin off of his face, holding his handbook close to his chest. “If I had a sewing machine, it’d be even better, and if I had to take something from the gift shop, I would have to pay for it. But sometimes you gotta make do with what you can!”

“Huh…” Yuki blinks his eyes at him. “You seem to have a lot of experience in this. Did you do fashion by any chance?” A thought suddenly hits Teruya and his eyes shine with delight.

“Do you think so??” Teruya brushes his fingers along the sewing kit. “Hey, do you think I can make something complicated? Like a…rainbow camo uniform or something? Wouldn’t that be really cool?! Although I’ll need retake my measurements…OH, unless you’re okay with it, I can make you something—“

“W-Wait, wait, wait, I never said I wanted a new outfit or anything!” Yuki immediately starts to scoot away from him but Teruya wasn’t going to back down just yet.

“Aw, come on, Yuki! Aren’t you tired of wearing your school uniform every day? Not to mention that it’s pretty plain. Don’t you wanna try something new and innovative? I promise I’ll make something you’ll love!” Teruya was half teasing, half begging him to let him do something interesting. He even goes as far as to tug on the sleeve of Yuki’s plain brown blazer. Yuki swats his hand away, his face turning red with embarrassment.

“I like my uniform as is, thank you very much!” Yuki turns away with a huff. “Geez, you really are Teruya Otori, jumping at the chance to act like you’re selling me something!”

Teruya freezes.

He stares at Yuki, his heart loudly pounding in his chest.

Or was that his head, with the way it felt as though his skull was going to crack from how much it hurt?

Yuki uncurls his fists as the silence continues between them.

And then, he slowly raises his head.

“…What?” Yuki asked, slowly raising an eyebrow.

“…Yuki. Have we…really…not met before?” He presses his hand against his head, sweat sliding down his face as he tries to relieve the pressure in his brain. The student blinked his eyes at him.

“I…No, we haven’t–“

“Then why? Why did you act like we’ve met before?” Teruya snapped, even though he didn’t mean to do that. It’s just that this headache won't go away. Like there was an answer at the tip of his tongue but he’s struggling to even form the words to say it. Why can’t he say it? Why was his brain so useless right now?

Why can’t he just remember already?

“…Oh.” Yuki said, blinking his eyes. “That’s what you meant.” He awkwardly tugs on his tie. “…Sorry, I should’ve been more careful with what I said. I didn’t mean to give you an impression that we’ve met before…at least face to face.”

Teruya squints at him.

What does he mean by that?

Sensing his confusion, Yuki speaks up.

“I…actually came looking for you. Before Shinji dragged me into training, anyway.” Yuki started digging through the pockets. Teruya sits up a bit straighter. Yuki did come to the gym pretty suddenly. He just didn’t think he was looking for him, specifically. “Remember when Ms. Taira introduced herself? And how she apparently knows you?”

“I…How could I forget?” Teruya swallowed, his nails scratching against his scalp as he grips a fistful of his own hair. Akane Taira’s introduction to the group had thrown everyone into a loop, Teruya especially. She had somehow survived an entire week stuck out in sea before washing up to shore and she had the weirdness to off-handedly say that it wasn’t the first time this had happened to her. None of them could bring themselves to question how a Former Ultimate Maid would end up stranded out in sea, but at this point Teruya had heard enough crazy stories from the students to believe it. But that didn’t change the fact that she knows him and he had to ask her. He had to know what she knew about him.

And, for what it was worth, she was willing to tell him. Even when she was uncertain of telling them everything at once, she answered his questions to the best of her ability.

His name really is Teruya Otori.

He worked for the Kisaragi Foundation as Head of the Treasury Division.

He was the Former Ultimate Merchant, and went to Hope’s Peak Academy with Akane Taira and Rei Mekaru.

He was the same age as her, a young adult woman…

Teruya felt an uncomfortable pit in his stomach, but he tries to ignore it for the time being. It wasn’t his fault that he just assumed himself to be the same age as the students. Everyone was also under the impression that he was of similar age, maybe a little older like Shinji, as there was no evidence at the time to prove that he was or wasn't a student. But it still didn’t feel good to know that he was one of the few actual adults in the group aside from Akane. And no, Shinji didn’t count, for he was still a high school student and being a legal adult doesn’t mean that he had the experiences and maturity of one. Teruya, despite his amnesia, was an adult that has to look after these students. An adult that has to take that responsibility.

Teruya swallowed.

He didn’t want to think about it or how his own assumptions almost landed him in hot water.

At least now, Akane could probably share his load. If only he could get her to open up and take part in the group, though…

“Well, it got me thinking. More specifically, about your name.” Yuki pulls out a page of what seems to be an old article that had been folded up to fit in his pocket better. “I swore I heard it before but I couldn’t place a finger on where exactly. But after learning that you were the Former Ultimate Merchant, I felt as though something was clicking but, uh…it wasn’t connecting. For some reason. Sorry, am I making any sense?”

“Uh — no, no! You’re making perfect sense!” Teruya pulls himself out of his thoughts, loosening his grip on his hair and rubbing the back of his neck. Now wasn’t the time to get distracted by the dilemma of his own age. Yuki wanted to share something important to him so he should pay attention. “I…I get what you’re saying. A lot more than you think. My amnesia…whenever I feel like I should know something, I can’t form the words to say it. Or visualize it. Like…Like it’s on the tip of my tongue, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah, exactly!” Yuki nods his head, almost like a bobblehead. He adjusts his sitting position so that he is on his knees and starts unfolding the article. “I felt as though I knew something but I just couldn’t remember where, so I went looking for articles and stuff with your name on it. If you were the Ultimate Merchant, you were probably mentioned somewhere on the news since you’d be famous for your talent in business at a young age. But, uh, since there weren’t any computers here, I had to try my luck at the library.”

“Oh yeah. You came into the library around noon yesterday, right?” Teruya knew because he was there with Mikado for his lessons, like always. While things had gotten…awkward between them, Mikado was insistent that they stick to their schedule. After what happened a few days ago, Teruya couldn’t say no even when he struggled to look Mikado in the eye. He couldn’t slack off. Not anymore.

(He just…couldn’t believe he had lied to him. Lied about himself. What else has he lied about? Was anything he told him even true?)

“Yeah. I gotta thank Mikado later. He was the one who pointed out where the articles were. I couldn’t have started my search without him.” Yuki said, as he gave him a grin. “And you know what? I actually found something about you!”

“…Wait, really?!” Teruya’s eyes went wide. To find something about himself in a place like this…what were the odds?

“Yeah, take a look.” Yuki shows him the article and Teruya, almost delicately, holds one side of the page as he leans in to read it.

The article itself was pretty normal as it was printed in newsprint paper, and was about a supermarket brand that has been growing exponentially over the last few years. It was short with little comments from an interview with the CEO himself and his own son.

Both of whom were pictured right there in color.

An older, taller man with graying green hair and an unshaven beard and mustache was grinning from ear to ear as he held his son close by his shoulders. The son was much smaller than him, but the resemblance to each other was obvious just by looking at them despite how young and round his face looked in comparison to his father’s. His green hair was a brighter shade of green due to his youth, his rounder almond-shaped eyes a darker shade of green, and freckles dotting his cheeks as they were stretched from his own smile. The pride was practically radiating off of both of them and there was a blurb of text written underneath the photo:

“The Otori Mart’s success has been a joint effort with me and my son, and I hope it’ll continue to thrive as he grows up!” said Kojiro Otori (left), with his arms around his son, Teruya Otori (right).

Kojiro…Otori…

Kojiro Otori…

Kojiro Otori.

That was the man’s name.

With the same last name as his.

And the same business that was brought up by Mikado when they were discussing the possibilities of his own past, the Otori Mart.

Teruya brushes his fingers against the photo, lingering on the image of the man before him. Almost disregarding the son completely, who was without a shadow of a doubt himself. He didn’t need it explained any further than a glance. It was definitely his face, his hair and his freckles. He was just smaller and younger. A natural difference between a young boy and a grown man.

But the man next to him…is Kojiro Otori.

CEO of the Otori Mart.

And…his own father.

He can see his own father. The appearance he had completely forgotten of, the image that haunted him in his forgotten space of memories…he knows it now. He knows what his father looked like. If his hair, which was apparently green like his, didn’t turn white…Teruya would look a lot like him right now. Just not in their eye shapes and his smaller nose.

And Kojiro Otori…He looked so happy to have him. He was smiling and holding him close, gushing about his son just as much as they talked about the business in the article.

He…must love him, right?

If he were here now, they’d be side by side by now, right?

His dad would hug him and tell him everything is going to be alright, right?

His dad…his dad…

“The Otori Mart has always been a popular brand but it apparently skyrocketed once the CEO’s son, Teruya Otori, started helping out in the business. It got really famous, which got the attention of the media as it started becoming more widespread in the country! It wasn’t as big as the Togami Corporation or anything but they’ve been able to sell anything and nearly everything to those that needed or wanted it. From what I can tell, the shops can be different depending on where you go, from a giant supermarket to a small convenience store and — Teruya?” Yuki stops his rambling. He barely looked up from staring at the article when he felt the student shake his shoulder. “Hey, are you…crying?”

Crying?

He was...crying?

Teruya lifts his hand up to his eyes, finally realizing the hot, wet drops of tears slipping from his eyelids. He opens his mouth to speak but only a gasp of air comes out.

“Hey, hey…!” Yuki lets go of the article, wrapping his arms around Teruya’s shoulders. He leans into the hug as he feels a desperate need for comfort rise in his chest and threatens to burst out of him. Teruya does his best to blink away the tears. But they kept coming, his brain throbbing harder and harder as he continued to stare at the article. Yuki squeezes his shoulder. “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t…Are you okay? Are you hurting, Teruya?”

“I…” Teruya wanted to say ‘yes, isn’t it obvious?’ But he manages to clamp his mouth shut before such mean words could slip out. Yuki didn’t deserve that. Even when he shouldn’t trust him with such vulnerabilities. Teruya swallows, dropping the article and wiping away his tears to calm himself down. It didn’t really work. “I…I-I…”

“H-Hey, it’s…It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here for you, Teruya.” Yuki said, gently patting his back. Teruya whimpers, wishing he could pull away but unwilling to.

It felt so nice.

It felt so sickening.

And Teruya swallowed, the visage of his father blurring until there was nothing but himself, a pair of shoes, and—

“I think he’s dead.”

His voice was only a whisper but it left a stunned silence in its wake.

Yuki froze as he held him. His mouth hung wide open, his hands lingering on his shoulders but Teruya can only stare blankly at the article. At his father, or what seemed to remain of him. And the heavy burden he left on his heart.

Eventually, though, Yuki recovered enough to speak.

“Are…Are you sure about this…?” Yuki asked, his voice small and uncertain. “I-I mean, I know this article is old…You’re obviously not the same age when this photo was taken since you look so different but I’m sure he’s—“

“I know he’s dead.” Teruya shuts down the train of thought coldly. “…I don’t remember it. But I know. I just…I feel it in my gut.”

He knew.

Even though he couldn’t remember, even though the images that flashed in his mind were too vague and unclear…

He knew.

With a heavy heart, he knew.

“…oh.” Yuki said, almost small and dumbfounded. He slowly pulls away, leaving Teruya to stare at an article that held a piece of his past. A small one that didn’t really help him remember. But it did give him an idea of who his father is and what he looked like. Yuki tugs on his tie. “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t think this would…”

Teruya was silent, caressing the image of his father.

And then, he picks up the article carefully.

“…No, don’t be.” Teruya takes a deep breath and gives him his best smile. “Thank you for showing me this. I…you have no idea how much it means to me to just…know.”

“Really? Even though you…” Yuki scrutinized him with his eyes but Teruya kept his focus on the article.

“…Not every memory I’ll have will be sunshine and rainbows, Yuki. The fact that I’ve been in a killing game before, with Akane Taira…Of course there’s going to be some messed up moments.” Teruya gently folds the article back up before putting it in his pockets. He swallows to try and relieve the lump in his throat. “…But, I think I’m gonna go now. It’s still…a lot…to take in.”

“…Y-Yeah. I get it.” Yuki gets up from the floor. Teruya does the same. “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah.” And, because he didn’t want to leave on a sour note, he spoke up. “Before you go, I do have something to give you.”

“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that!” Yuki tries to turn him down but Teruya just bumps his elbow with his own.

“Sorry, but I ain’t taking ‘no’ for an answer.” His grin becomes a little bigger, and a little more genuine. “I think you’ll like it a lot.”

“…Okay, now I’m curious.” Yuki caves in pretty quickly, like usual, and Teruya walks over to his backpack. It had been pretty heavy the whole day since one of the gifts he planned to hand over was for Yuki, and while the weight is something he can carry around with ease, it was still tiring with everything else he had inside. But since Yuki had come to him, he didn’t have to spend the energy looking for him. Teruya opens the flap and carefully lifts the item from inside. When he finally reveals what it is, Yuki’s eyes go wide. “…No fucking way.”

“Yes way.” He said, before setting down the Playrotation4 right onto the ping pong table.

“You…You actually got it!” Yuki springs over to his side, almost touching the game station before stopping in place. He looks up at him with hesitating eyes. “D…Did you pay for this? H-How can I…How can I pay you back?”

“Pay me back?” Teruya chuckles and shakes his head. “Yuki, I didn’t get this for you just to expect something in return. I saw that you wanted it, so I decided to get it for you. As for how…honestly, I just got lucky at the Monocrow Machine and it came tumbling out. I did have to ask Monocrow for help, though, since it was, uh, stuck in there.”

“But, you didn’t have to…” Yuki finally puts his hands on the Playrotation4 but he makes no move to take it. Like he was so unused to anyone giving him any kind of gift outside of a special occasion. Seeing that his reassurance was falling flat, Teruya switches tactics.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Just think of it as me investing in your goodwill by showing some of my own. Or thanking you for giving me that article. I really do appreciate it, you know.” Teruya pushes the game station closer to Yuki, urging him to take his gift. The student hesitates for only a second longer before he puts his hands underneath the gift.

“…Alright. Thanks, Teruya.” Yuki gives him a smile and starts to lift the Playrotation4. His eyes were glimmering with excitement, which felt like a rare sight to see with how down-to-earth Yuki is. “I’m gonna go set this up in my room. See ya!”

“Bye, Yuki.” Teruya waves as Yuki leaves the fitness room. He waits for a minute to make sure he’s gone, as the boys’ dormitory was all on one floor. But when he finally leaves and heads for the stairs, he sees the bathrooms and decides to make a detour instead.

Once he was certain it was empty, Teruya locked himself in a stall.

He takes a deep breath.

And allows himself to bawl, with almost no restraint.

Your relationship rank with Yuki Maeda has risen from 1 to 2!

Yuki Maeda’s information has been recorded in the e-Handbook+’s profile page.

SKILL OBTAINED!

Plain Boy: More experience points given for clearing a class trial.

An ordinary boy helped discover a part of yourself, another step to understanding you.

[acertainmoshke]

To Die Among the Stars sounds really cool!

I'm so glad you think so because it's the one I'm currently actively trying to write! The general premise is that in a somewhat dystopian future, 20 "volunteers" are taken from places like prisons and hospitals and poor desperate parts of cities as human test subjects for a second try at FTL travel aimed at a distant but supposedly livable planet. The story cycles POV between 4 of these characters. No one expects them to make it - they need their mental health and biometric data on the experience to improve it for next time. I only just got to the part where they actually start flying, so I'm going to include the pasta scene I added for a bit of silliness. At this point they're in the facility where they get a few weeks of training on how to exist in space.

Scene below the cut. (Keep in mind this is my first draft and will be polished later)

Pixel ran their hands across the blue and red counters and the doors beneath them. They were covered with the wavy dent patterns that came from quick-printing. They drifted all the way to the corner before folding onto their knees to look in the nearest cupboard. It was packed full of boxes. They had to squint in the dim light to see them at all, but the pictures on most of them weren’t helpful—people dancing or playing or laughing but not eating. 

On the sixth try, they shook the box without looking. It rattled. Peel it open. It was full of small things… Pixel dipped their hand inside to pull one out. It looked like a noodle. That was good, they liked noodles. They popped it in their mouth. 

No! Alarm! Not a noodle! It was something dry and too hard to chew. It made a small clinking sound when they spit it on the floor. 

There was a soft sound behind them, like talking but too soft for talking. Pixel froze. It was dark and late and they were alone with Wire very far away. 

“Sorry. Do you need help?” The voice was still very soft, just on the edge of hearing, but it had a nice little vibration to it that tickled their ears. 

One-two-three-breath-turn. They looked back. Behind them was—a robot. An actual robot, not a modded human. And it was beautiful. It looked like the kind of robot toys other children had when Pixel was young, except as big as a person. Its legs and arms were thin jointed rods of metal. Its body was a shiny rounded cylinder, like a pill, but half-hidden behind a bright sweater. Its face was simple with light-up eyes and a fixed smile. Its eyes were glowing a soft red in the dark. 

It was probably a programmed assistant for the…whoever they were. Pixel held up the box. “Food?” 

The robot buzzed before answering. The sound was nice in their ears. “Yes, but even I know you have to cook pasta before you can eat it.” 

Pixel, still kneeling on the shimmery floor, looked at the multiple appliances up on the counter. They looked back at the robot and held out the box. 

The robot’s tone changed. They couldn’t read the new tone, but they knew it was different. “I don’t know how. I don’t eat.” 

Pixel shrugged at it and got up. They could make mods that let you see in infrared light or meant you could digest not-food things. They could figure this out. They opened the nearest appliance and put the box inside. Closed it again. Squinted at the buttons. None of them had pictures. 

The robot’s steps were surprisingly quiet. Pixel looked down. It wasn’t wearing shoes. Padding? 

“You can’t read.” 

They shook their head. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing either, but I can read the buttons. You must be smart to be here for some other useful reason. We’ll figure it out.”

It was nice to be talked to like an adult person by someone other than Wire, even if it was just by a robot. Pixel nodded their agreement. Pointed to the big, long button at the top. 

The robot leaned very close to read over their shoulder, but the closeness didn’t hurt. They didn’t feel hot, sticky breath on their neck or the pressure of another body near them. When the robot spoke again, its voice was tuned soft enough that even an inch away Pixel didn’t flinch. “‘Start.’ That seems like the last step. I saw an ad for a pot during my research last year. Pasta needs to get wet before it’s soft enough to eat.” 

There was a sink three steps away. Pixel turned the knob and water rushed out loudly, soaking the thin box of noodles. It was slimy now, a feeling that ran up their fingers, through their arm, across their neck, and finally filled their head with an unpleasant feeling of too many popping bubbles. All their thoughts got lost. They threw it back in the cooking machine, desperately wiping their hands on their new clothes, and looked back at the robot. 

The robot’s face never changed but its voice did, just a little. “I don’t think that’s right.” 

Pixel’s hands twisted hard in their tunic. 

“I think figuring this out might mean looking it up.” 

[mental-mario]

Monu-Mentally Shredded

I didn't realize today is Mental Health Awareness day, but I figure it is all the more fitting then that I recount my hospitalization in the psych ward last week. This may run long and require at least a Part II.

The day started at 8am with a routine blood draw. My psych put me on lithium recently, and this was a routine test prior to my follow-up appointment to check my lithium blood level. For context, I have been depressed and suicidal for much of my life, but I didn't get it addressed until the last year because I was taught that it was shameful or weak to receive any care for emotions and mental health. I always felt like something was mentally "off" about me, though, and after sitting 9 months on a waitlist, I finally got accepted as a psych patient. I was then diagnosed MDD and BPD, as well as OCD, BPII, and ADHD. My older daughter was also diagnosed ADHD and ASD1 earlier this year, but I digress.

This has been a particularly hard year amongst many hard years, and after I got fired I spiraled into a free fall. I stayed in bed and slept a lot, cut myself, binged on snacks when I finally did get out of bed some, and I was especially irritable and moody, even yelling and cursing at one of the school's teachers in the car line, with my kids in the car. I wish I could say that was out of character for me, but sadly it isn't. I did a better job in previous years holding my negative thoughts underneath the surface (not a good thing), but with going no-contact with my parents and sibling's family for a second time as well as navigating the choppy waters of my marriage, my depression, anger, and burnout became too much for me to suppress. It wasn't much of a surprise after seeing the lacerations on my arm that my psych "urged" me to go to the hospital voluntarily. I put that in quotes because he really said I can either go on my own or be committed involuntarily. So I think I made the better choice.

I had been to the ER once or twice before in life, but this was my first time in the psych triage and consequentially being admitted. The triage was locked down with several security personnel on hand. I was shown to a bed in a small area with a posted camera in the corner and a sitter to watch me, and they took my clothes, phone, keys, and wallet and had me get into a big green paper jumpsuit. While I waited to have another blood draw, EKG, and urine tox screen done, a large man with profound autism stripped naked in the hallway and pissed on the floor. Once the tests were completed, I was escorted upstairs by wheelchair to a unit that I could only describe as the holding tank.

I'm not really sure what the point of being on this unit was, so maybe someone can comment if they know better. I was brought into a room with 2 empty beds, a bathroom, and 2 TVs with 1 on and no remote. The staff had me order lunch (I was in no mood to eat), and I was able to call my wife from the phone on the wall with the extra short cord. I'm not entirely sure someone wasn't listening in on those calls because the phone made some weird clicking noises when it was connecting. I went back to the room after making my phone call and was provided an atarax to calm my nerves. It worked, and I napped until lunch arrived. I ate very little of the frozen stir fry they gave me, but I did eat the bowl of grapes. I arrived at the ER around 10am, and it wasn't until around 5pm that I was finally transported over to the unit.

Security had me go through a metal detector before being let in. They said you'd be surprised what people do to try and sneak things in. Inside, there was a front unit and back unit, and I was escorted to the back. I was then sat into a chair near the nurse's desk, which was locked inside by badge lock and behind thick - I assume bulletproof - glass. I then waited for them to take my vitals...again! I looked around. There were probably 10 patients on the unit, and they were also all dressed in the same green paper jump suit. The lighting was all fluorescent in the hallways, and there was one phone hanging on the wall for patients to use, also with a short cord. I've not been to prison, but I do imagine some similarities would be experienced. The other patients were in the dayroom area eating dinner, while I was taken into another room by a nurse and another staff member as witness to strip search me. This made it feel all the more like prison, and if this was supposed to make me feel less like killing myself, it failed miserably.

I am going to break it up here, but look out for Part II coming up real soon!

I am currently playing Shredder's Revenge, and I highly recommend the DLC if you haven't gotten it yet. The survival mode online is a lot of fun, and I feel like I get a limited social interaction out of it, even though I have no idea who is on the other side of the wifi. With that said, I have no community or irl friends, so I would love for some virtual company. I am adding my friend code below, so send me a friendvite and message me when you're available to play. I am also planning to open up rooms from time to time in games for anyone reading this blog or my socials (as I get them going) to join via code, and I will post the code up with first come first served. So be sure to follow the blog here. I hate the term "followers," so I prefer to call you my friends, if I may.

My friend code is: SW - 4419 - 5159 - 3401. I will also post this on the blog bio for reference, as well as the QR code. I want friends!!...but with boundaries, lol!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi. I’d like to see if you could help me type myself. I read alot of your blog too. So these days I felt a bit stuck in a rut (probably looping of some sort). Yesterday I was very down, it felt like I can’t see immediate results, that nothing is changing or is changing very slowly and I’m losing patience.

Everything is empty and void. There is nothing I wanted to do except stare at the void. No energy. Can’t focus. I keep having random out of control monologues that I can’t control and it’s very very dark and exhausting. For example I try to read a page of a book and suddenly feel empty and restless and want suddenly to do something else. When I can’t see my goals, it’s like I can’t escape this limbo that’s between who I am and I what I want to be. Today for a change of pace I decided to go outside the house, study at the library, look at people that exist and I feel better.

I asked some people online to type me, some typed me as INTP others as ISFP. However I don’t really relate at all with Ti dominant, nor do I relate to Ne-Si or high Se. I considered that staying at home and having low energy could be either a sign of Ti-Si or inferior Se, which brings me to my next point (INJ).

Over the constant research during these months I formed this idea that I may be a Ni dom (INJ), especially because I regularly got it on every test. However I never accepted it and moved on because nothing seems to fit me. I don’t think I have aux Fe, or if I do maybe it’s unused, probably because I don’t have a social life anymore, and I don’t know how to again nor do I care. I don’t think I have high Te because I struggle to maintain a routine and be consistent at achieving goals, even though it’s everything I’m stressing about right now because I constantly feel like a failure and underachieving and keep beating myself about it. Right now it feels like my head is a mess and very chaotic and every sound, person, noise is overstimulating me and overstressing me.

------------------------

1) Type assessment is time consuming and I don't do it for just anyone who shoots me a message. All type assessment requests must carefully follow the instructions on my contact page. If you're asking me to spend my time to get to know you well enough to type you, then put in your fair share of the work to explain yourself properly to me. It is your responsibility to ensure that you provide exactly the information I ask for, otherwise I can't carry out a thorough analysis. If you are unable to follow my instructions for whatever reason, perhaps you should pay a professional to sit down with you and figure it out.

2) Failure to set and reach goals is often an indication of missing important knowledge, skills, or methods. Identify what should be studied and learned to move you forward. "Random out of control monologues" are a sign of rumination and/or intrusive thoughts, both of which point to an emotional problem that you have yet to accurately identify. Perhaps it is a problem you have avoided, repressed, or denied for too long, so you now exhibit significant symptoms of poor mental health. Mental health problems often interfere with the type assessment process, therefore, I always suggest people get them checked out and attended to before proceeding, preferably with a professional.

[karanseraph]

Reblogging this version.

Earlier this year I was having some health concerns. And I also didn't go out.

I physically could have gone out of the house, but my physical energy was not a lot. I also, mentally was having issues with demand avoidance and some family relationships that made me feel there were obstacles to leaving.

But at some point this all got scary enough that I sought some medical help and communicated with my doctors through their app/website which didn't require phone calls.

Anyway, it took time to rule things out. I had tests. I had meds I take for a chronic condition adjusted. I communicated when I had questions or concerns. And fortunately I was listened to by a new primary.

Anyway, while this figuring it out process was still underway, I started walking. At first I went with someone. Just up and down the street which was what the older person could manage.

I didn't like having to tell others where I was going or what I was doing (the demand avoidance/expectation) but my health scare was like a weird rock bottom thing for me that made me think: but in this case, someone might need to know to check on you or look for you. So, I would sometimes appear in person and say I was going to walk. And sometimes someone else would come. But other times I might just leave at a regular time. Or I might just shout at the door. I just tried to make it more about my choice of saying anything than the perceived expectation that I must tell others my business.

So, I'm OK. I had some issues to address in terms of meds and understanding what my body was doing. and I'm not posting to say that going outside or walking cured or solved anything, but it was one thing that did help me.

I mentally got better at dealing with the perceived expectations. I could communicate when I chose to do so for a reason I had. I got to be away from household members. (You can need a break even if you care about someone). I made use of public walkways, streets, parks and trails that are there for everyone to be used. I even would say "hello" briefly if I passed someone in the neighborhood. I also physically felt better.

When I was having my health concerns, some of the symptoms would include fatigue, feeling too hot or sweaty, especially if attempting activity, heart palpitations, awareness of heart rate, ear whooshing. (this wasn't one thing, BTW, it was several things double and triple whammying me.)

And now (and again, walking by itself wasn't magic, I also adjusted medications over time and ruled-out serious causes that were causing extra worry) I also have more physical endurance.

When I started several months ago, I probably couldn't be out doing this for more than 15 minutes or even choose to walk more than a mile (what's kilometers?). But I gradually worked up to more time, a faster pace, and longer routes. And longer routes meant more destinations that I could reach. It made the place where I live feel more "walkable" when I could walk further and longer.

But while this has been happening, someone else in my family is having their own health issues. They are older and it has been somewhat more serious. They even went with me that first day when I wad worried and we just went down the street and back.

This person really isn't able to get put as much. Their energy level crashes after activity and they need much longer to recharge. They can't walk to the park. Like, if they wanted, they could drive or ask to drive with someone to the park. But the area isn't walkable for them.

"Walkable cities" may not necessarily be "walkable" for everyone or to the same extent.

But my family member is still able to drive right now, so they do get out on their own terms and level to have some social activity and see things.

I do think we need to accommodate differences in ability as much as we can.

I had both a mental/behavioral block and a physical block but was fortunate to be able to work through those. And it took time.

But, this family member is probably going to need more accommodation.

But, it can sometimes be difficult to know what that looks like for them, if communication about ourselves is one of our issues.

life actually gets better when you leave the house consistently btw like im serious

[tackyink]

Hello Tacky 👉👈 uhm this is going to be a weird ask but you are the only person I can ask about this, so sorry in advance 🥲

So, it's not like I haven't been thinking about it before, but the last post you reblogged about adhd was an eye opener. Uhm. I think I have adhd but I don't want to self-diagnose for obvious reasons and I feel bad if I am not medically diagnosed and go around thinking I have adhd.

How do I get diagnosed to see if I have or not adhd here in Spain? It's not a case of parents not believing in mental health or anything (we think my mother may have adhd too). We are just not sure how to go about it without sounding weird 🥲🥲

(This must be so much easier with children like,, who do you explain being an actual great student and now you cannot?? Tho I have seen around it is pretty common with women/afab people when they grow?).

Anyways sorry for the super long and weird ask, don't need to answer it aldvakdbk I hope you have a good day <3

Hi, Vivi! Ahhh, yeah, the straight A student to the can't concentrate to save my life pipeline. From what I hear, it's particularly common in AFAB people because we tend to have the inattentive type, not the climbing-up-the-walls version, and it goes unnoticed easily, especially if you have good grades. In my experience, the grades and focusing ability slip once you lose the rigid structure of mandatory school and you're now responsible for your own schedule and work pace (aka: uni). Self-enforced routines rarely work; you need external structure to thrive. I'm the same as well, and I also don't like claiming I have ADHD despite having rampant symptoms because. You know. Feels bad.

Getting diagnosed depends a lot on who your doctor is and the facilities available to you. Ideally, you'd go to your GP and tell them that you suspect you may have ADHD and want to get tested because you're struggling (they'll probably ask for symptoms to know if there's reason for concern, tell them about those). It can also be useful to say that someone with diagnosed ADHD suggested it to you because they noticed similar patterns. You can bring up that you suspect your mom may have it too, because it runs in families. The doctor then should look up a specialist that can assess adult patients and direct you there.

In my case, I brought it up with my old GP and she asked me about my symptoms, told me I could very well have gone undiagnosed as a child, sent a text to some colleagues asking for help, and since she didn't know where to refer me immediately, she told me not to worry, that she'd look into it and find someone who could help.

She then transferred to another clinic, and when I brought it up with the new doctor, she said adults don't have ADHD. I don't have that doctor anymore. 🤡 I also don't have a diagnosis.

Here in reality, you're probably going to have to pay for it out of pocket in a private clinic. I don't know anyone who's gotten diagnosed with ADHD as an adult near me, but a guy I know got tested for ASD and diagnosed in his thirties, and it cost him 600 euros. Prices and testing availability probably vary a lot depending on where you live. I know from a friend who had severe BPD that public mental healthcare in Euskadi is very good, but in Catalonia it may as well not exist, so she had to move there with family to get treatment. I'm considering getting tested again now, because thanks to my new job I have health insurance that may cover it. Perhaps. I'm not sure and at this point I'm afraid to ask.

Best of luck if you go for it! I wish you have an easier time finding help.

[marisol-holme]

The retired good girls guide to writing

Dog-pile

I’ve been on my period! Hence the lack of uploads. Being a writer, who feels obligated to share their work in the name of creativity, I felt guilty that I haven’t been working. It made me feel anxious, as if maybe I was wrong about my career path and calling. The word ‘trend’ chanted in my mind for days. 

Large brands and corporations, content creators and individuals at home Tweet, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook (still) incessantly, following the rat race churn of what’s going on in the world, as it is happening. Adhering stringently to what the viewers are reading and watching currently, desperately seeking relatability in the dog-pile of creation. 

I suffer from PMDD – Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder [1]. Since I started puberty, around 13, I’ve struggled with the both the physical and mental symptoms of PMDD. For about a week and a half (and sometimes up to two weeks) and up to the first/second day of my period, I experience depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, pain in my joints, insomnia, and rejection sensitivity – just to name a few. It’s a rough time. Honestly the breeze could waft, and I’d start bawling my eyes. It takes up more than a quarter of my life, and impacts my productivity, relationships, work, and self-image, and for 10 years, I just thought I was mad. 

Whilst working as a nursery practitioner, these symptoms meant that I took a lot of unpaid sick leave (sorry Doodles). I would often find myself overwhelmed, tearful, reaching for the door handle to head to work and terrified of what would happen if I left my home – so I’d call in sick. I mean I was sick, but the guilt of not knowing what was wrong made the situation a lot more uncomfortable. When COVID hit, these symptoms exploded tenfold. 

My COVID infection in November of 2023 was weird. My main symptoms were flu-like in their physical manifestation, but mentally, I was so confused to the point that I’d sometimes forget where I was, even in my own home. Getting lost on the tube to the point that I was walking in circles through the underground gangways at Euston station, feeling with my hands along the wall. I was so dizzy and slow; I was genuinely scared I’d fall onto the tracks if I’d let go. I could feel my brain working slower. The symptoms cleared up and then a couple of weeks after… they hit me again. I was testing negative, but all the symptoms were back. I was experiencing paranoia. Voices telling me that others were conspiring to help my mental health (a cute delusion, but still scary to experience). It wasn’t full blown psychosis, as I was still aware of what was going on, but my grip on reality was loosening. I cannot explain how terrified I was. I returned to my parents’ house to be looked after. I felt like a failure.

I was desperate to impress at my new job with the Ideas Foundation, but I was so confused, often making mistakes, forgetting simple tasks and sleeping through alarms. I was vomiting in the mornings and not being able to sleep at night. 2024 was supposed to be my year. I had to grovel at the doctors to get some help, and even when I was diagnosed with Long-COVID, I had to fight to get onto my antidepressants, and even went private for some beta-blockers. 

My prescriptions really calm my nervous system down. Which for someone who was trying to do psychotherapy, COVID recovery and everything else, they were a lifesaver [2]. I’m waffling about this because for a while now, I’ve known I was neurodivergent – yes, another buzz word now, but hear me out. 

My friends have often made jokes that I am autistic. Funny! I always thought they were jokes, but I now realise, neurotypical individuals probably don’t get the label autistic thrown at them as frequently as I do. Honestly, it all went over my head. Pretty autistic of me. Looking back, I can see how it was missed. I’m a big people pleaser. I aim to fit in, make people comfortable, often at the own expense of my individuality and energy levels (classic masking). My therapist told me to not worry too much about defining labels, I’m just – different. I am comfortable with being neurodivergent, neurologically different. 

I bring this up because PMDD disproportionally affects autistic and ADHD women. 92% of autistic women, and 46% of ADHD women, in fact [3,4]. I think it is because us neurodivergent girlies are rather sensitive to our environments. I liken my luteal phase (when my PMDD symptoms rear their big ugly head) to big Tesco. Big Tesco is the physical embodiment of my luteal phase – the fluorescent lighting, unbearably bright and yucky for my eyes is like the pain in my joints. Not quite got a warmth to it but, boy is it ON. Then the temperature fluctuations as I move throughout the store - hot, cold, back to hot, and then unbearably freezing. I feel the temperature changes in the air as I’m breathing into my lungs, and it’s on my skin. These are the mood swings! I feel raw to the temperature, the hormones, like a swing I can’t get off. The music playing, at just the dizzying volume to make you question picking Tesco for your weekly shop, is the anxiety in my chest. Growing heavier and heavier, louder and louder, but no one’s changing the volume. The occasional store announcement – those are the suicidal thoughts. You never know when they’re going to appear, but they do, well over the buzz of the store… well over the buzz of my body. 

As you can gather, I don’t like supermarkets. Click and collect has been a saving grace in terms of avoiding stress. It probably sounds quite silly. I am so lucky to be able to go into a store to get my food, checkout and leave, but doesn’t make it any easier for me. The same goes for my menses. I love being a woman. But I hate it sometimes too. 

Excuses, but I didn’t write. I was on my luteal phase, experimenting with a double dose of Paroxetine to get me through the suicidal thoughts and anxiety, and dampening the loudness of my body. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not contributing to the dog-pile. I will create my own little pile of stuff over here, thanks.  

It makes me think of Neurodiversity week. Related to the inclusivity that the Ideas Foundation champions, I (remotely) took part in a talk for neurodiversity week, listening to neurodiverse professionals speak on their experiences. I was supposed to write an article for their website. I didn’t. I remember being told that I needed to be on the ball. I wasn’t. As time went on, I felt like I’d missed the mark. The buzz that is often created and that marketing specialists feed off. I wasn’t as hungry. I guess, in a way, I’m writing the article now. It’s lovely having allocated days and weeks for things, I think. But sometimes it takes away from the message – like the generated buzz is more important that the actual message. The number of likes, comments, reposts are what counts (not!)

I fear that authentic messaging and realness is often preyed upon for the dog-pile of content creation. Are we posting pieces of ourselves for the right reasons or are we selling parts of ourselves for a click from another?  

Hello, I’m Marisol. I am a PMDD thriver, endocrine disorder haver, neurodiverse young professional creating a little pile of stuff on the internet over here! Why am I posting this and who are you?

By Marisol Holme

[1] https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd/about-pmdd/#:~:text=Premenstrual%20dysphoric%20disorder%20(PMDD)%20is,phase%20of%20your%20menstrual%20cycle

[2] https://www.tumblr.com/marisol-holme/754814396286517248/how-starting-paroxetine-changed-my-life?source=share

[3] Obaydi, H., & Puri, B. K. (2008). Prevalence of premenstrual syndrome in autism: a prospective observer-rated study. The Journal of international medical research, 36(2), 268–272. https://doi.org/10.1177/147323000803600208

[4] Dorani F, Bijlenga D, Beekman ATF, van Someren EJW, Kooij JJS. Prevalence of hormone-related mood disorder symptoms in women with ADHD. J Psychiatr Res. 2021 Jan;133:10-15. doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychires.2020.12.005. Epub 2020 Dec 3. PMID: 33302160.]

[beanie-babie-vents]

Hi, yall, welcome to my #druittblr account! You can call me Beanie or Star :3

I believe the idea of druittblr was started by @bigbadwolfbutch, so shout out to them!

Now about me :

I'm a 27 year old enby/nonbinary person who is typically very femme, but will sometimes dress or feel more masc or androgynous.

I love anime and manga, and comics and cartoons. I am an illustration major. I was on break from school since January as I had a very, very bad case of burn out. Lasted for like, three months, and I'm still trying to get back into drawing. Writing has been easier lately. I restarted my semester at the end of August, but had to stop again because my family bullshit was worsening my mental health, so. Hopefully I can move soonish and get back to school.

I want to live my life how I want to, but due to my family's control and religious background, I am currently unable to do so. I hope to move out ASAP so I can start to truly live.

---

I'm in a relationship!! My bf is very sweet and cute uwu I'm also polyam, and yes my bf knows bc why tf wouldn't I tell him that, we ain't about that toxic polyamory life.

As for my full orientation, I consider myself neptunic demi-biromantic, nonbinary genderflux, and polyamorous. I've learned recently that l'm not really sexually attracted to those with masc bodies, moreso aesthetically and romantically attracted.

---

I have been learning more about spirituality and witchcraft, and would love to truly practice my craft, but I either forget to do so, or feel too paranoid/nervous about my family realizing what I'm doing.

Currently, I'm prooooobably agnostic? Maybe? Thinking there could be a god, but if there is? They probably don't fully care about what humans are doing? So long as we aren't hurting others...They certainly don't need us to abide by everything the Bible says.

Anyway, I also love the idea of Unitarian Universalism, and have been wanting to watch u more UU services. Hoping to join a congregation after I move.

---

I am so damn neurodivergent, yall don't even know -

I'm diagnosed with ADHD, Dyscalculia, Autism, General Anxiety, Major Depression, OCD, and.......some schizo type disorder otherwise specified? Don't think that last one's accurate, though. Also probably have cyclothymia. Yep, brain's haunted fr.

As for chronic illnesses -

Was born with a Congenital Heart Disease. Don't have a full on diagnosis yet, but am quite certain I have prosopagnosia (face blindness). And there's def something up with my reproductive system. Endo maybe?? I still need to see a gynecologist. Also diagnosed with POTS/OH. Technically have both. Other than that, I have GERD and IBS/possibly IBD. Due to medical mishaps I didn't get a colonoscopy when I was supposed to, but was told that I probably have IBD. So yeah. Fun...

Also wouldn't be surprised if I had Sjogren's. Had blood work to see, but never had other tests to confirm. So who knows, man.

Also at this point I think I could have a connective tissue disorder??? My body's fucked, that's for sure!

---

Current special interest : Hazbin Hotel

Other interests : Anime/Manga, Cartoons, Comics/Webcomics, Music, art + drawing, writing/reading, cosplay, J fashion, video games

[midnighteloquence]

i just wanna talk

uh minor (MINORS!!!!!!!!) vent because im thinking

(mention of sui, sh, purg1ng, etc)

i actually dont know what to feel anymore. i dont really feel much these days except for pure, unbridled sadness. i can feel excited over my interests, but that excitement doesnt really last long till im just nothing again.

ive been getting more frequent stomach aches. not a stomach bug i mean the anxiety stomach aches. theyre here right now actually. ive just been super anxious and on edge recently, and i dont know how to stop the ever growing pit in my stomach. it grows every time i enter a room, when i have to present something infront of my classmates, when someone talks to me, when i text people, when im alone, when im with people. its everywhere and i dont like it.

earlier this term i avoided people because i was just so tired and empty. i hoped that it would somehow make me feel better, if i avoid the person who did me wrong. it really didnt. i didnt give them a satisfactory answer whenever they playfully insulted me because i could not bare to have them insult me one more fucking time. you know what happened? they started saying “ok.” to me saying literally fucking anything. i said “ok” to you dryly because you pissed me off, but if im talking about my interests casually thats nothing to be pissed off about.

i apologised to them for distancing myself (even though i was trying to fix my mental health) and told them i would talk to them more even though i dont like them anymore. the next day they sent a paragraph talking about how i wasnt really “proving myself” and that “they waited for me to talk to them instead of them starting the rare conversations we have” which actually killed me a bit. thats over exaggerating but im trying my fucking hardest to try and be your friend but my best isnt worthy enough. and also when have you ever put any effort into what im saying? like actually if i talk about my interests you say shit like “thats crazy” in a disinterested tone. i may be autistic but i can still pick up that you do not fucking care for a word i say. i actually pay attention, and you tell me im not proving myself to you? im sorry i started ranting haha

i think my crush started hating me. and this is a super common thing with all of my crushes for some reason. i just cant get them to not think im annoying. i just get so attached to them and the thought of being with them that they just stop liking me. and then i pick up on this and ask them constantly if they like me. he barely texts me anymore, his texts are super dry, its so obvious he doesnt want to talk to me. i started leaving him on read, just hoping he’ll start liking me again. thats probably super immature and slightly mentally unstable of me but idk im sorry

i stopped thinking about my future because i dont think i see one. i spent all week tired, crying in the school bathrooms, crying in my own bathroom, or crying in my room. i post constantly about killing myself or cvtting myself or purging because at this point i do not care what happens to me. my friend might be moving, my other friend im so fucking tired of, my other other friend is probably tired of me, the rest of the friendgroup probably wouldnt care less about me, i havent been the daughter i couldve been to my parents, im distant towards my brother, my crush lives far away anyways and probably doesnt like me anymore. it just seems like nothings really worth it. how likely is it that i get into a good university and get a good job? i dont even know what i want to do with my life past 18. the clubs i joined are just exhausting to go to now, im making no progress in my language learning, i get average scores in my tests, the only two hobbies i have i barely do anymore. its just so nothing

i have no dreams or aspirations, i have no hope for the future of not only me, this whole world. it will take me a hot 48 hours to think of a thing i wanna pursue. no one wants to be in a relationship with me. im pretty but not pretty enough for people to like me, and even if someone’s attracted to me, theres still my personality. its nothing special, plus just a bunch of red flags like jealousy, attachment, being distant, being sensitive, the list can go on. im just nothing really, i feel nothing, my personality is nothing, my looks are nothing, im nothing.

idk what else to say so bye :0) (clown)

[meditating-dog-lover]

Eczema update 03/17

So I've removed cocamidopropyl betaine from all my skin and kitchen care. I'm using soaps that don't contain it. I even got some soap dispensers and soap refill pouches so I can take them with me to work and public.

This is what is causing contact dermatitis. So I'll cut it out for a while and see if I notice any positive changes in my skin. I don't believe this is the only thing causing my eczema, which is why I'm also considering other options. I do believe that eczema has an internal cause and not just a cause restricted to the skin surface level.

I already take vitamin D, zinc, and omega 3 fatty acids, so this takes care of the nutrition aspect. I cut out cocamidopropyl betaine. Some other things to also consider are detoxing, stress, and gut health/food sensitivities.

I've been taking milk thistle and dandelion since last week in hopes I can see any positive changes caused by the liver detoxing properties. That takes a while and I have to be patient and take it for 1-2 months. Also I'm reading Cleanse to Heal and was wondering if incorporating celery juice would be helpful or even more effective than my current detoxing supplement. I did not like the taste of the celery juice and the juicer is big and takes up space. I'll figure out how to approach this. Again the detoxing process takes a while and can get worse before it gets better. So just because I may flare in the detoxing period, it doesn't mean it's not working. I saw a video of a guy on Youtube who drank celery juice for 5 weeks until he noticed his eczema disappear. It takes 1-2 months at least.

Lucky for me I got a flareup this morning. My ring and pinky fingers on my right hands are red and oozy. But they're much better now. I know I'm flaring, but at the very least my skin is better than it was last week. The redness and dryness is gone. I don't really know if this is caused by me removing cocamidopropyl betaine or taking the detox supplement or both. I'm 100% sure detoxing takes a while though, the contact dermatitis will probably immediately disappear once I stop using the allergen on my skin. My skin on Thursday was dry and itchy and red, so I felt desperate and applied steroid cream (even though I hate using them, but I needed something anti-inflammatory immediately because I got so annoyed and fed up). I could not even flex my fingers and bend them from the dryness and cuts and irritation. I also have this issue after itching my skin very hard to the point where my fingers become swollen and spongy, so it hurts to bend them into a fist.

I'm getting the anti-inflammatory nutrients I need, I'm removing cocamidopropyl betaine from my skin and kitchen care (it's found in most hand and dish soaps). I'm working on the detoxing and I'm still reading the book and will decide if I want to try the celery juice out. I've become so stressed since October because of what's happening in Gaza. My skin has become itchier and worse since it all happened. My cousin developed vertigo and anemia recently because of this, and there's no doubt in my mind that stress and mental pain can cause these physical manifestations.

I can work on the detoxing and stress/anxiety management. I bought and am reading 2 books on each. In the future I will reach out to the functional medicine doctor I contacted so I can do a gut and sensitivity analysis. I did a food sensitivity test using a take home kit and the results were inaccurate. I'd rather speak to a professional about this. I'll give it a month or so because I don't want to overwhelm myself with treatments and want to wait on the 1-2 month results of the detoxing and stopping the usage of cocamidopropyl betaine.

My skin will get better after this morning's flareup. At least it looks better, I just have 2 spongy fingers on my right hand that are sore. I'll give this all a month and then I'll consider the food and gut stuff. The redness and dryness I used to have on my hands up to my wrist is healing and getting better. However my skin is still inflamed, I even experience itchiness on my mouth and neck and chest (the same spots where I have the dermatitis). I know inflammation takes a long time to undo, so while it's still active of course little things can set it off. Like tomatoes or the wrong type of moisturizer.

The air purifier and dusting were great ideas, but I doubt they're the cause of my eczema. I'm not allergic to dust. I also bought a moisturizer from Avene and am using it with an occlusive (either Vaseline, Cerave, or Aquaphor, none of which irritate my skin). I've been using Vanicream and I'm not sure if that irritates my skin. I used it yesterday and on Friday and got a flareup this morning. Maybe it's something I ate or I just got stressed? I don't know honestly, but I woke up with very itchy hands. The Avene cream hasn't irritated my skin and is hydrating (it smells like Playdoh and I assume that's the smell of the hydrating lipids in the formulation).

So the hand cream helps, and I'm sure that avoiding products with cocamidopropyl betaine has helped too. I also started taking detoxing supplements. I'm not sure which one of the 3 or if all of them helped with reducing the dryness and redness in my hands. I want to be realistic with my skin care habits and set goals I can see myself following for a long time. I don't know if it's the stress, the detoxing process, the Vanicream, or a food sensitivity is what caused the flareup. Again the inflammation will disappear eventually with the new skin and kitchen care products and the detoxing, but inflammation is a positive feedback loop where the body will produce more inflammation when it senses any in the first place. So breaking the cycle and eliminating it is very hard but possible. I'm going to continue with the new soaps, the new hand cream and occlusives, and the detox supplements and see where this takes me. I want to make detoxing a normal part of my health care routine so I know how to handle skin irritation effectively, but without doing something risky, dangerous, and little evidence of being helpful like colonics and coffee enemas. No thank you, I just want to do realistic stuff like take liver supplements, take my multivitamin than contains detoxing herbs, sweat, drink some herbal tea, drink enough water, and even some baths. I know juicing (like celery) helps, but again I hate the taste. I'll look into more techniques too.

Like I said I really don't know what the ultimate root cause of my eczema is. I'm worried it may be a food sensitivity, and I hate cutting out foods. I haven't eaten tomatoes in 3 weeks and I am worried other foods may be triggering inflammation. I've been eating these foods for a long time and had no issues, the inflammation just recently started. I hope I get to go back to eating those and the cause of my skin inflammation isn't foods. I believe it is due to stress due to the war in Gaza, but who knows? I need to work on figuring out the ultimate root cause so I can live with healthy skin and not have to rely on steroid creams.

[phawareglobal]

Dawn Clarke - phaware® interview 455

Pulmonary hypertension patient, Dawn Clarke, a resident of the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation in Southern Ontario. Despite her rare disease diagnosis, Dawn decided to focus on her mental health and explore her creative passions. She emphasizes the importance of looking after all aspects of one's well-being, including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. She encourages others to find their purpose and make positive changes in their lives, even in the face of challenges. 

My name is Dawn Clarke. I am currently residing on the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation, Hagersville, Southern Ontario. This is my mother's homestead, where she's come from. She's indigenous. My father is from Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. He is non-indigenous or what we used to call him, Caucasian. I grew up in the military life, my father was in the military. My mom was quite young when she had me and got with my dad and started moving around to different places. Life at the beginning was a little complicated for me. Both parents were strict and that's how my upbringing was with all the things that go along with that. So I became a really quiet person. I should start off too by saying that I did a have congenital heart defects and heart surgery at four months of age. Incidentally, my parents were not at the surgery, so they were about two hours away when I did my surgery. They were back home.

They didn't have a vehicle, so I had no parent there at hospital during my open heart surgery. I did find out about that years later. I believe that there's a lot of childhood traumas that help lead up to the health of where people are now into adulthood. That was something that I had to deal with. So I did get surgery at infancy. I had intended on joining the military. I had actually passed all my testing. I did really well. The only thing I was waiting for was a phone call to say, "Okay, it's basic training time, let's go." For some reason, that call never came. 

I ended up going to school from nursing. When my children were one and a half and three and a half, I ended up going into nursing school. It was quite difficult to say the least as a single mom, single parent, and going through nursing school. Somehow we made it through though. With the help of family and relatives, we did get through that. But after a number of years, I had been really kind of wondering about doing mental health work. I did dabble in some training here and there with the mental health field, but it was kind of something that my brain was always wanting to lean towards. 

A few years ago, I started developing shortness of breath. I was down in weight compared to where I had been for a lot of my adult life, probably about 180 pounds, which is still overweight for a short person. I started getting symptoms when I was working as a nurse. Weight started coming on again. I thought, "Oh, must not be as active as I was before." I was getting a high blood pressure readings, and that had never been an issue before. So even with my cardiac history, I had still been fairly healthy. 

I had been trained to do palliative care nursing, so I was seeing a lot of palliative care patients. I got to the point where my troubles with my breathing became more of an issue, especially to the clients than they were… me coming in, trying to get up the stairs to see them, sitting down and taking a couple of minutes to catch my breath, at a point where I was starting to bring my oxygen in with me to do the stairs or to get from point A to point B to their rooms or anywhere to see them.

By this point, I had gotten quite bad. I finally decided I just can't do this anymore. I'm going into houses that are difficult to maneuver around, also into smoky houses that I always despise smoke, cigarette smoke, and having to take care of myself in front of patients before I could care for them. It was just getting to be way too much. The physical maneuvering of patients became very difficult and I just couldn't keep up anymore.

On top of these things. I also have scoliosis, and it's something that I was diagnosed with when I was 12. So between my back and the pain, between the weight gain and the shortness of breath, it just became very difficult to move people, to turn people to do any things that they needed to get down on the floor to do leg and feet dressings, if they happen to be sitting on a couch, for example.

Yeah, it just became too much. I tried to push further, but I just couldn't. Mentally, I was starting to deteriorate as well. I knew there was something wrong by this point, and I hadn't quite got the diagnosis yet of PH, but it did soon come after pushing and trying to get in to see a doctor.

I think I was diagnosed in June of 2019. I went off work July of 2019. Probably for the next year I was wearing oxygen pretty much 24/7. Sitting in a chair, so where I am now, just maneuvering myself around became quite difficult and caused me a lot of shortness of breath. It was to the point where, "All right, I don't think I can do this anymore." So I had to give that up, give that role up. I did not give up my nursing license, I still have it, but I am now on... What's the term? Non-practicing. So I'm a non-practicing registered nurse. 

I decided to hold onto that because it was a big part of me. It's a big part of my life. It was a great accomplishment for me to get through schooling and having two little ones at home as a single mom. It was something that was really hard to register in my brain that you can't do what you've been doing, but I'm hanging on to this because I knew still at that point, even though everything kind of took a dive down, including my mood and everything else, my look on life, my outlook and the uncertainty, it took a huge chunk out of my wellbeing.

I decided at some point, probably within that first year, "Well, okay, what can I do? I know that I have been thinking about changing careers. I've been thinking about giving up at least the physical part of nursing." There was something still calling me to the mental health world. Well, I started acrylic painting and I sang. I had sang for many years and I liked writing, and that's most of my life, as well. Not that I did a lot of it, but I did like it. And one of my goals since I was a teenager was to write a book, which I still haven't done, but I've started a couple of things.

I've written a few little things, poems. I have a long poem. Those kinds of things all mean a lot to me as who I am as a person. I decided at some point along the way, I'm going to somehow combine the creative things with the mental health and the background of nursing and help other people on their journeys and their wellbeing, as well. 

That became my focus. Not to say that every day is easy or that I can focus on these things every single day. There are still difficulties. I managed to change my viewpoint and my outlook on life and my perception of life, and I managed to change those things to a positive light and decided you can still live. You don't have to lay back and wait to die because what is the purpose of everything that I've done and everything I've wanted to be?

I always, always felt like I had a deeper purpose in life. Some people are good getting their purpose fulfilled through looking after their family or through working in a community, and that's enough. But there's something more that I'm meant to give. I'm still not 100% sure what it is, but I think I'm finally going down the path now. I decided to paint. There was a year, I think between 2019 and 2020 that I really didn't do much of anything, but I think that was my angry year. That was my diagnosis year. It was my spot that made me take a look at my life and decided to change my path. I could lay back and die. Life's over for me, boohoo. I know that's a lot of us. That's where we are. That's where we have been or we're getting to that point. But there is a point where you can take control of what you can. 

I had to look at my blessings. So I had to look at, I have my sons. At that time they were both home with me. I have one still home now. I have my mom, my dad, my sister. Even though I still had a lot of traumas to deal with, which I was currently working through and still am, those people were still close to me and important to me. I was now around my mom's family, side of the family. They were a huge support.

I felt like I couldn't quite leave this area and move away, because I thought about moving down east many times, but I had to use what I could. Also because of being from First Nation's community, I thought there's so much I can do. So I'm going to combine all the things I know and put them into a wellness journey for other people. I'm still not 100% sure what that's going to look like, but I have done many paint parties, you might call them. A lot of them are workshops. I get hired by organizations mostly for say, a personal paint party. Probably 95% of what I have done has been organizational workshops. I'll get people thinking about positive things, so what do they want for themselves that day or that week or month, or what would they like to wish for somebody else?

It could be someone they don't necessarily like so much. What do you wish for that person or yourself? Think of one word or a symbol. It could be a heart. It could be anything and you put that down on the backside of your canvas. You write happiness or love, unconditional love. Anything that you can think of or a heart or a star or anything and that's going to be your focus during that painting. The painting session, you go forward with that thought in your mind. We really try to keep negative thinking out of it because it's very, very easy for all of us to think negatively and go, "Oh, I'm terrible at this," and oh my goodness, there's always negative that we can throw to ourselves. We really try to take that out of the equation and just keep everything to a positive as much as we can. 

I would say that normally it does work and it helps most people to stay in a more positive mindset. Thinking positively, looking after my mental health that's been a huge, huge component of my wellbeing. Continuing to be in therapy because therapy can be for everyone, not just seriously ill people. It keeps us on track. That has helped me by looking after the mental health piece, my emotional piece, my spiritual piece, and my physical. We know that physical and mental health and emotional, spiritual all go together. We can't look after one and not the rest. We can't expect to do well in one and expect everything else to catch up. We've got to purposely look after all of those domains. I find by doing that and keeping myself in check with my mental health as well, even my spiritual health. By spiritual health, I mean even things like connecting to nature. Learning how to connect with nature. Learning how to breathe. Learning how to be calm and maybe put yourself in a better place. 

That becomes really easy to do once you've done it a bunch of times. You may need to focus and push yourself to do it at first, but eventually it's just an amazing place to be. So with meditating, learning how to focus, we can do so much for ourselves. People need to start looking at that, giving themselves that gift because it's there. It is in all of us to do. So by looking at all those domains and looking after each one, we do better for our physical health, as well. My physical being has improved. My breathing has improved. My energy level has improved. My focus is starting to improve a little more, because that's been very difficult to do.

But all in all, if you look after all of those things in your life, you become a better version of yourself. You start to see the world in a positive light again, and not think so much about how much life I have left. I still do think of that sometimes or, "When am I going to die," or, "What's the purpose? If I'm going to be gone in a year or 10 years or five years?" The purpose is because you need to be here now. You need to be here. You're on this earth. You have purpose. You can take from everything that happens to you in your life and pull it in and switch it around, bam, put it out as something that you can do for yourself and for other people. That was my choice. It's not to say that I don't ever struggle with my mood or with triggers or anything that comes up in my life, but I need to know how to come out of that.

With everything I've learned through somatic therapy, through there's a thing called FIT. It's focused intention technique. I learned how to do that, as well. There is training for that. It's something you can use on yourself, and it's something you can use to help other people. Give yourself the gift, I'll use that word again, the gift of life. You get to go forward in the way you want to, in the way that you can. Just do it in whatever way you're able to. If you look after all the pieces of yourself, it gets easier. I guess that would be the biggest thing is transforming my life to meet the needs of not just myself, but others as well. But there came a time where I had to look after just myself, and that was fine. I decided that's okay. This is what I need to do. 

My last job was helping to kill me. It was helping to dive me down lower in depth, because I wasn't able to focus on myself and my needs. That really woke me up. It made me go, "Yep, I guess I have to listen to myself now and listen to my body. It's telling me things and do something about it. Don't just keep pushing it back. Do something about it." I ended up having to move from where I was. My rent was going up a little higher every year. I could no longer afford to live there, because I wasn't working, at least not getting a nursing income. So my sons and I had to move. Thank goodness for our First Nation. They had been building a new set of townhouses and one had just been completed. We were lucky enough to get to move into that right at the time I was running out of money from whatever resources I could get it from.

We moved in here. The rent is significantly lower. I know not everybody has that opportunity, but it enabled me to start looking at what I wanted in life instead of worrying about the financial piece. So even if it's a matter of you have to move in with someone or a relative or something where you might not have as much, you might have to give up some things, which I did, but at least it got me thinking about my life again and having a purpose. So that's where I am now. 

My name is Dawn Clarke, and I'm aware that I'm rare.

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[the-anxious-skeleton]

Hi! I don’t know if this should be a question or if I just wanted someone to listen, but I appreciate you having asks open.

So I have really bad anxiety, both general and social anxiety. It’s usually manageable in real life because I have really good friends that are emotionally supportive. But this situation feels kinda stupid to bother my friends about and I was embarrassed. They also don’t use Tumblr, so it would’ve been harder to explain.

I started a Tumblr blog a couple of days ago. It was just a small thing to write about characters for games and shows I was into. I made a pinned intro including groups I didn’t want to interact with the blog. I think the exact wording included “racists, homophobes, transphobes, furries - basically anyone with anything gross / hateful / offensive to say”. I didn’t see a problem with this at the time, however, not too long ago I got an anon ask that read “Seriously? Lumping furries with transphobes and homophobes? What’s wrong with you lmao”

In hindsight, I can totally see their point. I was undermining the severity of other hateful groups because, obviously, furries aren’t anything comparable to those things and have nothing to do with them. Even if I didn’t intend that in anyway, it could still undermine those sensitive topics and offend another group of people that have nothing to do with those things.

However, due to my anxiety, I guess I got triggered and panicked. I deleted my blog not too long after I read the message. I already have a lot going on with tests and stuff and I didn’t think it through. I should’ve apologized and held myself accountable. I would say it was be removing myself from a situation I wasn’t mentally prepared for, but I feel like I just ran away from a situation even though I knew I was in the wrong. I feel guilty.

I feel that my anxiety makes it so I cannot handle an online space. I am a creative, both an artist and writer, so I crave validation for my work from a large amount of people. But if I do so much as make a small mistake or do something unintentionally, I panic and isolate myself again. And then I feel worse because I feel like I’m running away from my problems. It’s like a bad cycle.

I’m sorry if this ask is too long or rambling, but I felt like talking to someone from the same platform would make it a bit easier for them to understand. I’m probably making this a way bigger issue than it is or maybe not. I get so in my head sometimes it’s hard to tell, and I hope that makes sense. Thank you once again and I hope you have a very nice day :)

Hey. I'm so glad you reached out!

I encountered a situation very similar to this on my main blog. I basically posted something very triggering to some people and didn't tag it properly. I added broad mental health related tags instead of more specific tags that would have appealed to a niche group that would have understood what I was talking about without being triggered. Someone submitted an anonymous ask, very kindly brought the inappropriate tagging to my attention. I was wildly embarrassed and wanted to curl up and die. I deleted the post and apologized in response to the ask. This really hurt my feelings and made me feel really stupid. In retrospect, I really appreciate that person pointing out the issue in a respectful manner. It helped me become more aware of how the Tumblr community works and helped me understand that I needed to be conscious of other people's situations. The best thing you can do at this point is to rebuild a blog for your work, and if you aren't sure about something you're posting, ask a friend, or of course, send me a message and I can help. I hope this was helpful and made sense. I am very proud of you for recognizing your mistake and growing from that. Everyone makes mistakes, but not many take the initiative to grow from them. Again, let me know if there is anything else I can help you with! Everything will be alright, you got this!