#i could kill myself right now and nobody would notice that im gone until the smell gets bad

[potato-dragons]

me: receive a gift/help without asking = getting backstabbed later on and get called a "nasty person" for *insert everything that i do or do not say* here.

[afro-hispwriter]

ALICIA CLARK X FEM DIXON READER

After Ricks disappearance (twd) and Fixing the plane era(ftwd)

F/I- first initial

Warnings- language, implied smut

a/n- i wrote this a long time ago, its been posted on on wattpad for a while so i decided to post it on here… Enjoy!

Rick was gone, things were falling apart. Your dad, Daryl left the communities to join search parties all the way until he was the last one searching. Michonne and you wanted to keep looking but her pregnancy was to far along, and you basically took care of her and Judith. The atmosphere feels familiar just like when Carl died, you and him were best friends, you supported him in every one of this decisions even helped him get with Enid.

But this felt worse.

The person who has made sure everybody survives is dead. The man who was a mentor to you, the man who saved your father in countless occasions is dead. Morgan left almost 2 years ago and nobody heard from him. You knew Rick and him were close, he helped Rick when he came out of hospital. He deserves to know what happened and you will make sure of it.

-

"I want to go out and see the world for myself and I want to find Morgan." You said at dinner to Michonne and surprisingly who joined your dad.

"Excuse me what, you want to leave a whole state and travel to Texas just to see the world and find Morgan and for what?" Asked Michonne raising an eyebrow. Your dad sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"I agree kid. Why?" He asked looking at you.

"Ok first I'm pretty sure I'm 18, I'm supposed to be enrolling for college planning out my life, seeing what else is out there. I can take of myself of the time I have been surging in this world I can make it I'm sure if it. And second all of us know how much Rick meant to Morgan, I can go to Texas and tell him what happened maybe he will even come back even if it's for a little bit." You said enthusiastically. The adults shook their heads taking in the information.

"I'll think about it." Said your dad and Michonne nodded going back to eating.

"There's gotta be another reason you wanna leave." Said Daryl as you walked to your home.

"I already said why Dad." You said looking ahead

"No, you didn't I know ma own kid." He said stopping and he grabbed your arm so you would stop as well making you roll your eyes.

"I hate the atmosphere that is going on, it's like when Carl died but worse and I hate it. I just need to go, I need fresh air Dad, i need to see whats out there maybe even help people." You said throwing your arms in the air looking up at the sky. Daryl smiled, you would always talk about helping people when you were just 4 years old. But now that the apocalypse happened he never thought he'd actually have to let you be on your own anytime soon, maybe it was time.

"Alrigh I'll talk to Michonne tomorrow, I'll get ya that trip." He said and you smiled before pulling him into a big hug.

"Thank you father." You said and he chuckled.

-

"Ok y/n, ya have a high range walkie(i know those don't exist for very long distances)for when you get farther and farther away from ere and you have food to last a month or so and water for a week or two. And gas in the car to last Ya couple miles at least to get out of Virginia. A map, a gun with 2 rounds, and please try to put notes or something out there to tell me your alive, please I don't want to go out lookin for ya. Cant loose you kid." Said your dad who it was clear was very nervous on letting you leave.

"I'll be fine dad, I have been taught from the best of the best." You said and then you saw his eyes water.

"No, no dad don't cry because then I will. We have to be strong i promise I'll be fine. We agreed on 2 months if I'm gone more than that or if you don't hear from me when those months come to an end you come looking for me." You said holding back the tears.

"I know kid, I know it's just ya growin to fast." He said looking at you.

"Fuck it come ere kid." He said and pulled you in for a tight hug. You hugged him back hard, soaking up his affection, which definitely doesn't come everyday. You pulled away and looked up at him.

"I'll be fine dad ok, I'll be back." You said and backed up, everybody stood around and you waved before looking at Michonne and pointed at her belly.

"I better be godmother when I come back." You said smiling

"Yes ma'am." She said with a smile on her face. You got in the car and turned it on, you had some doubts on leaving but knew this has to happen. Your dad came to the window and leaned on it and you took in a breathe.

"Please don't loose yourself, if you have to stop stop. Don't leave the people who care about you." You told your dad and he sighed knowing exactly what you meant by that. He was looking for Rick so much it was taking him away from you. Daryl stepped back and you smiled at everybody and waved.

"I'll be back in 2 months I promise." You announced and they all smiled, you put the car in drive and drove off watching the gates close behind you.

"Y/n can you hear me." Your dad said over the walkie and you grabbed it.

"Yeah dad I can hear you."

-

You got to Tennessee right before the car stopped. You sighed and looked around to see if there was anything a car or a store. You grabbed the walkie and took in a breathe, please work, you thought.

"Dad can you hear me?" You asked and heard static then his voice.

"Ya I can, ya alright?" He asked

"Ya I'm fine, I'm in Tennessee but I think that soon probably a couple more miles you won't be able to hear me so im starting with the notes." You said and held back tears.

"Alright I love ya." You heard him sniffile before the walkie went out.

"I love you to dad." You said and out the walkie away and grabbed the pack. You opened the pack and grabbed the note book and pen. You wrote, STILL ALIVE- F/I, and looked for a place to put it. After an hour you found a gas station and put the note on the counter under a rock.

"Dad not sure if you can hear me but, if you do come for me I'm leaving notes in stores." You put the walkie back and grabbed your knife and stabbed a walker that came for you.

-

Almost 13 days (that's what google said). 13 days and nights of running and hiding from herds. Avoiding people, some you had to kill. Your feet hurt even after taking a days break in Arkansas but you finally have reached Texas. Not knowing where Morgan is you decided to use the walkie every few miles in. You looked at the map and Texas was huge, it could take a few weeks to find him, if he is even alive. But you needed a break so you needed to find somewhere safe. You found a house that looked safe enough so you cleared it, only 3 walkers where in it.

You set up a fire and out a can of beans over the fire. You grabbed the map and decided where you should head to next.

(A/n- I read that season 5 of fear is filmed in New Braunfels, Texas and its near Austin soon)

Austin, Texas, in school in Alexandria the teacher said Austin is pretty popular. Morgan could be there so that's where you would start. You took a 2 days rest and even found a lake to bathe in, after getting supplies you made your way to Austin. You left a note at the WELCOME TO TEXAS sign and left another at store the another. There was a hotel a little father form the house and out another there.

After a day or so you were closer to Austin and decided it's time to try with the Walkie.

"Morgan, it's Y/n I'm in Texas, I don't know if your alive but I'm here." You said and put the walkie away after no answer. You walked for what seemed hours when you saw the Austin sight and grabbed the walkie.

"Morgan I'm in Austin." You said into the walkie and decided to start trying different channels as you repeated the question though each. You tried the last channel and was about to put it away when you heard voices and your heart sped up.

"Morgan?" You asked and kept moving the circle to hear it more clearly.

"John, June you there." Someone said, it was a deep voice and noticed it was Morgan's voice.

"Morgan, Morgan, it Y/n Dixon from Alexandria, please hear me." You said pleading to yourself.

"Y/n wha-." He started. "What are you doing out here so far, where are you?" He asked.

"Umm I'm by the Welcome to Austin sign. Where are you maybe I can find you." You said and out down to the ground pulling the map out."

"I have two people close to you y/n, don't be alarmed their names are John and June." He said and you sighed.

"Ok." You said wearily.

"John, June did you hear that." Asked Morgan and a female bodice came through.

"We hear you Morgan, on our way Y/n." A man said.

"Hang tight y/n." Said Morgan and you sat back. You grabbed a paper and pen and wrote. FOUND MORGAN. You sat there for a while when a car approached and stopped next to you, you raised you knife reading to attack of nesassary. The window went down and the man and woman out there hands up.

"Hold on hold on young lady I'm John and this is June, we come to get you." John said and you hesitated.

"We won't hurt you i promise." June said. You nodded and grabbed your stuff and opened the car. You sat down and watched John and June's every move.

"So where did you come from?" Asked John and you sighed.

"Long story." You breathed out a laugh and they smiled.

"Guess we will know about it after you meet Al." Said June and you cocked your head to the side.

"Who's Al?" You asked wearily.

"She was journalist before and she interviews everybody on their stories." Said John and you nodded.

-

"Morgan, who is y/n?" Asked Alicia as she and Luciana approached him.

"She's comes from Virginia and Alexandria like me, she's around your age Alicia." Said Morgan smiling and Alicia rolled her eyes.

-

The car came to a stop out some gates and they opened. The car pulled in and people crowded around. John and June got out and your door opened revealing Morgan. You got out of the car and hugged him before pulling away to look over all the people. It was a whole bunch of little kids then a whole bunch of adults.

You looked around and your eyes fell on a very pretty girl with brown hair and hazel eyes. Her eyes where on you but they seemed defensive like yours at the moment. You felt uncomfortable and Morgan said to clear a path so you could sit down.

-

"I have been walking for almost 20 days, Car broke down when I reached Tennessee." You said to Al and she smiled. Everybody else was sitting around eating dinner as they heard your story how you arrived here.

"You have any family, back in Virginia?" She asked and you nodded.

"I have my dad, and more people who became my family, we have lost some but they will never be replaced." You said.

"Lover?" She asked and you shook your head no.

"Nope pretty much a virgin." You said and they all laughed.

Alicia started at you slowly relaxing that you were not a threat, all of them did.

"Why did you come here?" Asked Al and you sighed.

"I was 12 when the world started, I'm like 18 now. I'm supposed to be enrolling into college now, planning out my life going to go see what's out there. The apocalypse may have happened but I still want that chance. And Morgan I need to tell you something, privately." You said and he looked at you concerned. He gave Al a look and she shut the camera off then got the film. He stood up and you followed, he stopped just a few feet from everybody and waited for you to speak.

"Ricks gone." You said. "Gone not dead, just gone it's like he disappeared." You said looking down, thinking about that day.

"Wha- what how, what happened." He asked.

"Bridge explosion, he saved everybody." You said and Morgan nodded then you heard someone clear their throat.

"I'm sorry Morgan." Said June, you looked at him confused.

"I told them about Virginia, they how me and Rick go back." He said and you nodded.

"They haven't the body?" He asked and you shook your head.

"No, my dad, he has been looking out there by the bridge everyday, Michonne is pregnant with Ricks kid and she's about to give birth so she can't look anymore. And I was practically taking care of Judith so I couldn't either. And others have their own thing." You said and Morgan nodded again before walking off. You sighed and and smiled at the group.

"Anything else you guys want to know about me?" You asked and Al came forward.

"I want to know about the king and the tiger." Said Al and you nodded walking back to the fire.

-

You told everybody what you needed to know. Your guard was down long ago, you kept sneaking glances at the girl who's name is Alicia and she looked back at you as well. You got ready for bed when you were approached by Alicia.

"We never had a formal introduction, I'm Alicia Clark." She said holding her hand out and you shook it.

"Y/n Dixon."

You talked the night until you fell asleep from exhaustion. You learned about her family, all the things she has been through and you shared hers. She told you about her boyfriends and you felt a pang of jealousy, 'Gosh y/n you don't even know this girl,' you told your self. You fell asleep after an hour and Alicia put a blanket over you and whispered goodnight and left. You woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and got up. You looked in the mirror and braided your hair into two. You went outside and the people started building some type of plane. You approached Alicia as she was talking through a microphone looking at parts. She saw you approach and she smiled, you then looked up and saw a plane.

"Hey what's with the plane, didn't see that last night?" You asked Lucianna as you approached her, she smiled and sighed.

"A few weeks ago we were on a plane and we crashed landed a few miles from here, we actually came from here at first so we came back. Those kids they left biters out there tied up to keep us away, because it's not safe. We gained their trust and we are building this plane so we can get out of this place." She said sun you nodded you looked over the people and your eyes fell on him.

"Dwight?" You said sternly and he looked at you eyes widening.

"Mini Dixon, what are you doing out here?" He asked and you glared at him grabbing your knife when you felt a hang go to it, you saw Morgan shaking his head to stand down.

"What are you doing here, I thought you were dead?" You asked him.

"I'm lookin for Sherry, my wife, not trying to cause any trouble." He said and raised his good arm as a surrender. You nodded and stood down every body who watched went back to what they were doing. Alicia came in-front of you with a concerned look.

"So what's your story with him?" She asked

"He served the man who killed two people of my family and kept my father in a cage keeping him like an animal." You said looking at her with hard eyes.

You lended you knowledge on fixing things with the plane. It's clear they were grateful on your help, you fixed the engine to the best of your ability.

"Y/n want to come with me to a ware house, we need more parts." Said Alicia and you nodded. You made your way down and smiled at her.

-

Small Alicia POV

Gosh she is so beautiful. I met her yesterday and I feel like I have known her since forever. Call me crazy but I'm starting to get feelings for her already.

-

Regular POV

The butterflies in your stomach were almost painful when you were near Alicia. She was gorgeous, you felt like you could tell her everything and you almost have from Atlanta to now. You grabbed your backpack, emptying it out of anything that was worth leaving just encase. You took your knives and gun and left to find Alicia. She was waiting outside a car and got in when she saw you. You sat in the drivers seat and looked to see if anybody else was going, luckily no one was there.

"Anybody else going?" You asked and she shook her head.

"Do you have a problem with it, because I can get someone to come with us may-." She started but you shook your head no.

"I have no problem at all." You said and winked making her cheeks flush red. She drove to the warehouse and she told you the parts to look out for as well as food. You took out two walkers with your knives and looked back to see Alicia looking at you with awe.

"Never taken out biters with knives really." She said chuckling. You looked down and saw a metal pole that was sharpened at the edges.

"Well I mean that pole is badass, where did you get it, might need to get myself one." You asked.

"A water park." She said smiling and you nodded.

"Alright tell you what I teach you how to fight with knifes and we stay a little longer to find a pole similar to yours. Deal?" you asked holding your hand out. She thought for a second and took your hand and shook it.

"Ok come here stand in-front of me." You said as two walkers approached you both. She stood infront of you and you handed her your knives, you stood close to her.

"Now, you going to want to dodge them, go in between them. Remember you have to use strength to kill them just cant push it in. I'll be here just encase." You said. The walkers go closer and Alicia tightened her grip on the knives.

"Go you said." And she ducked as they swung at her, you backed up out of reach then one by one they were both put out.

"That was great, remember you gotta faster and if you have someone behind you, let's say as kid you have to push them back, maybe use you leg or arm. Even an adult if they don't notice you have to act quick." You said and she nodded cleaning the knives.

"Thanks I'll definitely use that, after I find knives." She said.

"If you can get a hunting knife there much stronger and lighter." You said and she nodded. You found a majority of the parts needed and headed back to the car.

"I found this." She said and handed you a metal pole with holes in it. You grabbed it and smiled at you, you got one of your knives and it's holster and handed it to her.

"Thank you Alicia, as a true thanks here's one of my knives, work with one just for now you will go better I just know of it." You said and she smiled brightly.

"Thank you, now let's get back and we can sharpen the edge." She said and started the car.

You kissed her cheek and pulled back getting a red face. You looked at her though the corner of your eye and saw her face was red.

-

When you arrived back to the truck stop, she helped sharpen the metal pole. You and her had a flirty thing going on for the rest of the month until you started feeling sexual tension start to arise. The stares would last long as well as lingering touches, she thought you how to use the pole and you taught her knives. Everybody shared their knowledge with you and you did with them.

The plane was just about finished when you realized if they finish the plane you may loose them, loose her.

"So, where do you guys plan on going after getting the rest of your group?" You asked Alicia as she ate dinner, sitting on the ground.

"Not sure, definitely leave this area." She said and you nodded seeing how bad the area is, you sat down next to her and she offered some of her dinner but you waved it off.

"Maybe fly to Virginia." She said lowly and you looked at her like she was crazy.

"I'm just playing can't risk another crash, especially where the girl I likes home is." She said and looked at you. Your face went red and the butterflies in your stomach, she grabbed your chin and pulled your face closer to hers.

"Y/n Dixon I like you a lot, it's ok if you don't but-." She said but you silenced her with a kiss. She pulled you in harder making you moan, she set her dinner down and you pushed her on the ground, straddling her. You looked up and saw there were people still around so you pulled away.

"Want to take me to your tent?" You asked and she nodded, you got off her and held your hand out which she gladly took. She led you to her tent opening it and pulled you inside. You slid your shirt off and she did the same.

She looked at yours left arm and stomach and noticed a beautiful tattoos.

(This but all around the forearm)

(Something like that)

"Didn't know you had tattoos." She said and scratched her head.

"Oh yeah... do they bother you?" You asked.

"No no they are actually really hot." She said making you blush. You walked over to her and pushed her onto the makeshift bed.

"Wait crap I've never had sex with-." She started and you kissed her.

"It's ok, I'll teach you." You said and she looked at you confused.

"After Carl died, his girlfriend, Enid, and me got close and we ended up in bed together. It was just one night didn't mean anything." You said and stroked her hair.

"Didn't say that in the interview." She said and leaned back letting you crawl on top of her.

"Some things are just not to be meant to be said." You said and winked at her. You went down and captured her lips, she raised her hands and caressed your sides. You laid down on her putting your weight on her body making her moan.

"Just relax let me do the work." You said and trailed down her stomach.

a/n- once ftwd season 6 comes to hulu I’ll be able to continue my part 2

[mustyrosewater]

Could you please write something about Dio going down on the reader. I love your works!

im so glad you like my writing!! i adore our resident goth boy dio, so i’m so happy to be writing this for you angel!!!

word count : 1435

nsfw warning !! : oral (f recieving) dirty talk, etc

you look down at dio with unblinking eyes as he sinks between your legs, the way that he’s looking at you alone is enough to result in your legs beginning to shake. 

the way that he’s staring back at you isn’t helping with the fact that i feels as if it’s news years eve within your stomache.

all of a sudden you feel like a lamb being stared down at by a wolf that was suddenly ready to sink its teeth into your flesh and feast. which, for a lack of a better term, was certainly not far off from what dio was about to do to you. 

“don’t look so scared.” 

his voice, sharp and mischevious, broke you out of the trance his gaze had created. only just now noticing the smirk that had come across his features as he stared up at you, using one of his ring covered hands to grip your thigh tightly.

even if the metal from his rings dug into your flesh, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care as he brought his face closer and closer to your still clothes pussy; continuing to get closer and closer until you could feel his sharp breaths on your flesh. 

leaning your head back, you shut your eyes and let out a quiet whimper, only to be greeted by a harsh squeeze from the hand that was holding your thigh, just enough to make you gasp and look back down at dio, the smirk gone and now replaced with a frown. 

“don’t stop looking at me.” he drawled, only breaking your shared gaze to look down at the sight your panties were so selfishly hiding from him.

hooking his fingers at the top of your panties, he pulled them down harshly and unexpectedly, giving you little to no warning before he did so. 

a first reaction was to close your legs, only to be stopped by dio’s hands on your knees, wrenching them back open so that he could stare upon you in all its glory, not caring for your shyness. 

you couldn’t hide the blush that came to your face as you watched dio stuff the panties into the pocket of his black coat.

“don’t you fucking dare hide from me.” he growled, once again giving your thigh a rough squeeze.

dio had long been responsible for the hand sized bruises on your thighs that you’d been so desperately hiding from your friends and family for so long. bruises that he took pride in, once telling you that they were the markings that let other know that he owned you and that you belonged to him and nobody else.

and you fucking loved it. 

you continued to stare in awe as dio once again brought his face closer to your folds, his breath that had previously made you shiver, now causing you to moan softly as your brow creased and you bit your lip.

your reaction brought yet another smirk across dio’s features as he let his eyes flick up to yours, only to return to your eagerly waiting entrance. 

without a moment longer of hesitation and once again with little warning, dio lunged forward and licked a long stripe through your folds stopping right at the bud at the top of your flesh and taking it within his mouth, showing no mercy as he sucked on it harshly.

you yourself lunged forward, folding your stomach as you cried out and gripped his hair, only for him to use one of his free hands to grip your wrist roughly and place it at your side. you couldn’t hide your frown of disappointment. he never ever played fair. and you weren’t sure he ever would.

his eyes suddenly looked back up at your own, unmoving and unblinking as he made you watch him devour your pussy; he’d said he liked watching the faces you made. 

you couldn’t stop yourself from moving your hips against his mouth, an admittedly involuntary reaction when within seconds he’d already had you writhing under him. 

it was torture not being able to touch him at all, you wanted to run your fingers through his ebony hair, to grip and pull at it like you knew he liked.

the little bit of control you had left was suddenly ripped away from you as he reached his arm across your stomach an held it down, stopping your movement completely.

“ungh, dio, please-”

refusing to listen to your pleas, he only continued to suck on your clit, before moving back down to shove his tongue inside you, effectively beginning to fuck you with his tongue. 

again, you were unable to stop the cries coming out of you, holding your mouth open in an ‘o’ shape as he suddenly went from having you crying out to not being able to make any sound at all. 

as if all of this wasn’t enough, on top of everything, the sounds that he himself was making was enough to make the devil blush. 

the deep moans mixed with the wet slurping sounded borderline animalistic, not helped by the fact that he still had not taken his eyes off of you throughout this entire ordeal. 

“i- fuck”

any and all words you tried to muster only came out as cut off moans or whimpers. being able to render you speechles with his tongue was something dio was proud of and something he did indeed recognize the irony of, missing no chance to tease you about it as often as possible.

you couldn’t help it, you leaned your head back, it was only for a few seconds at best, but dio saw, and as soon as he did, his tongue disappeared from within you, his mouth was taken off of you alltogether. now leaving you feeling significantly more empty.

“what did i fucking say.” 

the fucker. he’d kept his mouth so painfully close it hurt, your flesh pulsing as it felt his breaths, now suddenly longing for what was no longer there.

looking back down, his frown was once again back, showing little to now amusement on his face, only pure seriousness. 

“no, dio please, don’t st-” 

“i told you not to fucking look away, how could i have made myself any clearer.”

any and all rationality had flung itself out the window, not when you were so desperate for anything, any form of friction at all to return to your flesh.

“i won’t look away again i promise, just please don’t fucking stop.” 

he seemed to mull it over, knowing how much it was killing you, taking his sweet time in deciding, all before flashing you another. fucking. smirk.

“i’ll be holding you to that.” 

within seconds, his mouth had returned, rougher and messier than before. he ate your pussy like a man starved, like an animal; it was sending you up into a euphoria, finding yourself rapidly approaching the cliff that was your orgasm, harder and faster than before.

“fuck! dio, baby, please don’t fucking stop!”

your cries and the way you writhed and twitched beneath his hold only prompted him to go even rougher, moving his head back and fourth and growling against your flesh, gripping your hips so hard that you were feeling them start to go numb. 

with a loud and choked cry, you felt yourself beginning to cum right on his tongue, which he quickly began to lap up as if it were the first water he’d seen after a week in the desert.

he didn’t stop, he didn’t slow down; not until you were nearly in tears from the sheer overstimulation of it all. not until you had to physically sit up and push his forehead so he would finally stop. 

as you sat there panting, dio looked up at you and grinned, his chin dripping and shining with your release, looking just as smug and proud as ever.

your heart was thundering in your head as you leaned down to kiss him, feeling little to no shame that you could taste yourself on his tongue; only finding it more enjoyable in the moment. 

continuing to kiss you as he began to climb on top of you; dio wasted no time in beginning to rub the hardness that was his clothed cock against your absolutely wrecked pussy, already having you whimpering against his mouth all over again.

finally breaking away from the kiss, you smiled at one another as you reached down to grip his cock through his leather pants. 

“even stevens.” you joked weakly, your voice croaking from crying out so much.

your words only resulted in a laugh from dio, who let his forehead rest against your collarbone as he laughed before leaning back up to kiss you again. 

[whosaskingwrites]

The Sound Of Love (Tsukishima x Reader)

A/N: Um I don't like this one as much as the others but I did my best. It honestly took forever cause I didn't want to write it and I had no idea what song to use but I eventually decided so here we are.

WARNINGS: angst

Date: Saturday November 7th, 2020

Details: 5.3 pages 2,000 words

Theme: Musicalia- The victim will hear a song constantly playing in their head until it drives them insane. The person of affection will only hear the music when they are around the victim.

Angst Masterlist

Clair De Lune

A simple, beautiful piano melody that had been repeating in my head for weeks. There was never a reprieve from the beautifully haunting melody. My mind followed the sound like a moth to a flame and deteriorated the closer it got to the music.

No amount of holding my hands over my ears stopped it. It had become a part of me like the backround music in a video game or movie. However this wasn't a video game or a movie this was real. Every day was the same never a rest I couldn't even sleep some nights.

This was my last week at Karasuno before I was put in the hospital. My mind was too far gone to stay out I couldn't really hear anything anymore to distracted by the music and of course I hummed it on occasion. Everyone in my classes knew I had it...Musicalia but they didn't know who caused it.

Monday

I walked to class with a sigh Yamaguchi was following and as we walked I heard a gentle piano melody that got louder. I spotted a familiar H/c haired girl fast walking past me like she'd done since I pushed her away. Yamaguchi followed my eyesight and the music faded the further away she got "you should apologize you know. This week is her last at Karasuno," I blinked 'her last week?' I thought "Shut up Yamaguchi," I said keeping my emotions off my face "Sorry Tsukki," I continued watching the S/c skinned female rush off down the hall.

Tuesday

I was walking up to the roof ready to reject another girl. Why they felt the need to confess to me of all people id never understand. As I rounded the corner someone ran into me and with a short shriek they fell. I was about to say something when I noticed who it was...Y/n she looked paler than I remembered and eye bags were prevalent on her face. I heard the piano again it was louder than ever.

"Do you need to listen to music that loud?" I asked though it was harsher than intended. Her eyes widened and I held back a frown as I saw she was afraid. "S-sorry," she stood up quickly and ran off down the hall the music fading the further she got and I watched 'why was she afraid of me?' My eyes caught something on the floor which I turned to. Picking it up I realized it was a simple gold bracelet with a dinosaur charm on it.

"This is...," It was the bracelet id given her three years ago on her birthday. It was still in perfect condition looking like it did on the day I'd given it to her and it caused a small smile to pull at my lips as I pocketed the familiar bracelet.

Wednesday

Everytime I spotted the e/c eyed female in the hallway and approached her she would turn and run the music following her. Nobody ever seemed bothered by the piano it was almost like they didn't hear it and Y/n was never wearing headphones when it was playing. "Does she ever stop listening to that song?" I mumbled to myself as she ran away yet again.

"What song?" Yamaguchi asked next to me I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him. "What do you mean what song? That damn piano music she's always listening to it's annoying," I said and Yamaguchi’s eyes widened "Tsukki...She's not listening to any music...," He stated.

I blinked as I processed what that meant "No ive heard it-," Yamaguchi cut me off before I could continue he had a sad look in his eyes and as he spoke I realized why. "She's got Musicalia Tsukki...," He whispered as he looked at me. "She...She what?" I asked. "She's got Musicalia and if you can hear it that means...," my own eyes widened as I realized what he was implying. "Oh...,"

Thursday

Cornering someone who was avoiding you was much more difficult than you'd think. Everytime I ended up even in the same room as her she ran before I could even get near her. "Yamaguchi," I stated causing him to jump. "Yeah?" He nervously asked. "Can you convince Y/n to meet you on the roof?" I asked. He didn't ask any questions he just nodded mumbling a quiet yeah as the teacher walked in the room.

I stood on the roof looking out towards the gym. I heard footsteps come around the corner and stop before they slowly started backing away. "Can you stop running? I need to talk to you," I said. The footsteps stopped and I turned around. Y/n stood a few feet away nervously shuffling on her feet.

"When were you gonna tell me?" I asked and she sighed "Preferably never," She answered and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Never? This could kill you!" I took a step toward her while she took one back "So what?" She spit bitterly rasing her head up to glare. "So what? So everything!" I shouted.

"So everything? You dont even fucking like me! You made that pretty clear last year!" She yelled back. She was referencing an argument that I barely remembered and that she hadn't forgotten. "Do you even know what its like to have your heart crushed in seconds!?" She screamed. "You still should have told me you have Musicalia!" I glared back. 

She just gave me a bitter smile "I suppose my dear this was how it was meant to be," she stretched her arms out as she spoke and tears dripped down her face at a slow pace. "You dying isn't how it's supposed to be!" She only shook her head in response. I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out the bracelet. "Here...just take this back," I said holding it out. She walked forward and I heard that gentle and haunting music get louder.

She stopped closing my hand around the bracelet and leaning up to press a kiss against my cheek. "Keep it I won't have a use for it much longer," she mumbled before turning and walking off. "Y/n!" She stopped but didn't turn around and I continued speaking. "I love you," she sighed and turned her head. The sunset cast her in an ethereal glow and sparkled off the remaining tears on her face.

She gave a sad, watery smile in response. "No you don't Tsukki. If you did...You would have come back to me a lot sooner," she turned and left I knew she was right but god it hurt to hear her say that. My hand was still tightly closed around the bracelet the metal uncomfortably warm against my skin as she walked away from me.

Friday

She avoided me even more. I never saw her but I heard the music following around on occasion. After yesterday I had looked for the melody finally hearing it long enough to search for it. The results had told me the song was Clair De Lune I should have known. It was Y/n's favorite song though I doubted she liked it now.

I had tried to find her when I heard the music but even if I followed it I never found her. I was walking toward my locker keeping an ear out for that melody. As I opened the locker a f/c envelope fell out as I picked it up I noticed it was sealed with a gold wax stamp. Flipping it over my name was written on the front in flowing cursive. I put it away in my bag before heading to practice.

I flipped the envelope around in my hand staring at it before sighing. I pulled open the envelope and slipped the contents out. The first was a photo of me, Y/n, and Yamaguchi we were standing in the park in the photo. Y/n and Yamaguchi had their arms over eachothers shoulders while I stood in the background glaring towards the camera.

The other thing was a letter that I was hesitant to flip open. I knew the letter was from Y/n but I for the first time felt afraid on what she had to say. Sighing I opened the letter ready to read it.

Dear Kei,

It's been awhile hasn't it? Though That's what happens after fights. You give each other time to calm down and then you come back. Only this time...There is no coming back. You already know I have Musicalia and I'm sure you know I love you. It's weird to write that to someone you know doesn't love you.

Don't lie either. You don't love me the way I love you. You may think you do but if you had we would have been friends again by now. But you were perfectly content with not having me in your life so I know you'll be fine when I'm actually gone.

That's the issue isn't it? I'll be gone soon really, truly...gone. I'm not afraid knowing my death is approaching im...content and at peace with it. My death won't be glorious. I'm not going out with a bang. Or any final inspirational words. I'll go quietly in my sleep hopefully. Sleep however is hard when there's music constantly playing on loop in your head.

When I'm gone Kei...Will you visit me? Tell me about your day or the volleyball team! Yamaguchi told me about the team you should go easier on them. You should also learn from them you know? Anyways if you ever can't make it to me...Play Clair De Lune and I'll go to you! I'll listen to you talk at your place instead of you coming to mine!

I'm sure you know by now that this is my goodbye letter. Don't act so suprised of course I want to say goodbye to you. You're important to me you should know that. I've written this for awhile but I wanted it to be a good final goodbye since its immortalized forever in a letter. If you share this with anyone I'll kill you by the way. Even in death I still have a reputation. Anyway...

Goodbye Kei

I love you

—Y/n L/n

A month had passed since she said goodbye I moved forward even though it hurt to not see her around school. It almost felt like she moved but that imagine was ruined whenever I visited her grave. "Hey Tsukki I didn't know you liked dinosaurs!" I sighed in irritation my eyes flicking towards Kuroo who was pointing at my wrist.

"Wow that's cool!" Bokuto joined in and my eyes drifted to the golden bracelet around my wrist. "It's not mine," I stated drinking my water. "Whos is it?" Akaashi asked and I sighed again. "My friend Y/n’s...She's gone now and I'd rather not talk about it," I said standing up and heading back to the net. None of them said anything more about it and I was grateful for that.

Later that night I closed my eyes and played the song that I had grown very familiar with. It was quiet except for the soft melody playing through my headphones. While my eyes were closed I felt the familiar pressure on my body like someone was laying on my chest. If I listened through my headphones close enough I could almost hear her soft voice humming the song. 

I knew in my brain it was impossible but for now I let my heart believe that it was her. I talked quietly about anything and everything that came to mind. The team was sleeping so I knew I could talk freely most of them slept like they were in a coma. I sighed as I reached the end of my story before I spoke once more.

"I miss you Y/n,"

————————————————————————

TAGLIST: @wonhomarshmallow

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: the forest is your only escape from the everyday troubles with your family until you find danger lurking behind the trees. or rather, danger finds you. your fateful encounter with the vampire ravn leaves you wishing for a different life. you strike an unexpected deal with the stranger that will soon turn into something more…

pairing: vampire!ravn x reader

genre: vampire!au, ANGST, romance, horror

warnings: awkward period mentions, kinkshaming, trespassing, kidnapping, hints of possessiveness, the usual werewolf wants a mate business, manipulation, gaslighting, cleithrophobia, rip y/n

word count: 2.5k

author’s note: im...genuinely so sorry

part one 🌙 part two 🌙 part three 🌙 part four 🌙 part five 🌙 part six 🌙 part seven 🌙 part eight 🌙 part nine 🌙 part eleven 🌙 part twelve 🌙 epilogue

It was a full moon and coincidentally, your moon days had recently arrived. Which usually didn’t bother you that much. But ever since you had started living with Ravn, ever since you had become his girlfriend, your red visitors were not welcome at all. For two very important reasons. One, he refused to touch you like that, because he didn’t want to harm you accidentally. Two, he refused to drink from you, because, yet again, he was putting your safety first. But of course, you couldn’t ignore his needs. You could tell that he was starving.

“Ravn…you should probably go hunting,” you suggested. You had noticed how he flinched every time you got close to him and he didn’t even kiss you, because he was afraid he’d lose all self-control. He looked so damn hungry and devastated that it was breaking your heart. You wanted to take care of him the way he was looking after you, but you knew he would never allow that. So, you proposed the one thing you could think of.

“And leave you here alone? Not a chance,” Ravn shook his head, though you could see how difficult it was for him to restrain his primal urges to feed.

“I could come with you,” you murmured.

“And watch me feed from something else? Not happening,” he scoffed.

You rolled your eyes.

“Come on, it can’t be that different from watching you feed from me,” you pointed out, thinking you were so smart.

“Oh, please,” Ravn laughed. “You rarely watch. You just close your eyes and enjoy it like the depraved little girl you are.”

“Don’t mock me!” you scolded him.

“I’m not,” he smiled sweetly and despite his hunger, Ravn caressed your cheek. “I would never.”

“You should seriously go hunt,” you advised him. “I’ll be waiting for your return.”

“Really? You won’t disappear?”

“I would never,” you whispered softly, mimicking his words.

“Just promise me you’ll stay here. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

You gulped nervously, remembering the recent realization you’d had about your childhood friend turning out to be the very same werewolf who’d followed you a while ago.

“Everything will be okay, Ravn.”

He nodded, trying to reassure both you and himself.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” he promised.

“Be careful out there, yeah?” you felt inclined to say.

Ravn gave you a quick kiss and hurried towards the door.

You looked outside and noticed the full moon emerging from behind a cloud. You remembered reading stories about werewolves being stronger, more dangerous during a full moon. You desperately hoped Ravn wouldn’t run into Leedo during his hunt. He had seen particularly anxious to leave you alone. And you wondered if there was any truth to that myth. Or was he worried for another reason? Whatever the case, something bothered you and you couldn’t fall asleep despite the late hour. As you were tossing and turning, you heard a strange sound coming from the corridor. You pulled the blankets closer to your chin and held the fabric tightly. Had Ravn returned so soon? You thought hunting would take him longer. You wondered if you should get out of bed to greet him. If it was him at all. No, what was happening to you? Such foolish thoughts would only needlessly scare you and you would have nightmares. You got up from bed anyways and walked slowly into the corridor.

“Ravn?” you asked the darkness. But the darkness didn’t reply. “Is that you?”

Your voice quivered helplessly at that last part. Who else could it be? No one knew the exact location of Ravn’s castle. Sure, it was pretty close to the forest but it was hidden away by strong spells that made it extremely difficult to find by mortals. It had taken you some time to get used to it. You could now find your way back home easily. But to a stranger, it would be almost impossible. Almost.

Suddenly, you heard the strange noise again. This time it was coming closer. But you could see nothing. Nobody.

“Hello?” you inquired pointlessly. But no reply came. Just the same old darkness. And then, as quickly as you had gotten out of bed, you noticed two very familiar glowing yellow eyes staring right back at you. No. This couldn’t be happening. It was just a bad dream. You would wake up soon. No. The eyes were now closer, brighter, angrier. And you could only do so much as take a hesitant step back when the werewolf jumped at you.

🌙🌙🌙

You opened your eyes to an unfamiliar setting. A cold, damp floor under your legs. And darkness all around. The only thing you could discern was those cursed yellow eyes. You needed a moment to process. You were not dead. You were still breathing. Which meant that the werewolf…Leedo (you had to remind yourself) had not intended to harm you. Then, what did he want? And how had you ended up here? You realized that you had probably passed out from the sudden shock. You touched your arms, your legs and your face, as if to check you were still intact. Everything was, in fact, in order. Leedo had not harmed you physically. He’d just taken you to an unfamiliar place against your will. If that was the case, you could figure something out, come to an agreement of sorts.

“What do you want from me?” you asked directly. But of course, the werewolf couldn’t respond to you. Not in his animal form, at least. So, he simply growled in what could only be defined as a vaguely threatening but not murderous manner. You didn’t know much about wolves but you had to guess his intentions from the fact that you were not dead (yet). What could you do? Other than wait for the full moon to be over and for the werewolf to return to his human form. To Leedo. Your friend. God, how had you ended up in such a predicament? Your boyfriend was a vampire and your childhood best friend was a werewolf. You would have passed out again if you hadn’t previously had some time to deal with this information. You were too terrified to sleep. You had just gotten kidnapped. So, you just intended to wait for the morning to arrive and save you from the unknown.

🌙🌙🌙

Ravn’s POV

She had been right. I had been too freaking hungry to think straight. I was glad I went hunting. I should have done so earlier instead of risking hurting her accidentally. It would have been fatal. I cared for her more deeply than any other being I’d met during my immortal existence. If anything happened to her, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. So, when I returned to my home and didn’t find her peacefully sleeping in her bed, I started panicking rightaway. I checked the library, thinking she was probably there, reading something like the cute little book-lover she was. But no such luck. Then, I tried the kitchen, thinking she was just having a midnight snack. When I couldn’t find her in any of the rooms she would usually go to, I realized something must have gone terribly wrong. She wouldn’t go outside on her own. Not on a full moon. She had promised me. I returned to the first place I’d come looking for her – the bedroom. Then, back to the corridor...I sniffed the air and to my surprise, I caught an unfamiliar scent. A werewolf. No, it wasn’t possible. She would never invite him here, friends or not. Which could only mean one thing. He had taken her. Away from me. And he would pay for it.

🌙🌙🌙

I followed her scent, mixed with the werewolf’s, out of the castle. It was gradually becoming fainter. I couldn’t find her exact location and it was driving me insane. I needed to know where she was, whether she was safe. She wouldn’t do this to me, right? She wouldn’t leave without a word. Not after everything we’d been through. I had to trust her. I kept going after their trails down the road and near the river. But the minute my feet touched the cold water, the scent disappeared. Sneaky bastard. The werewolf had probably pushed them forward through the river on purpose so that I’d lose their track. I could go no further because I knew not where to go.

It suddenly hit me. Even though Seoho wanted to stay away from me for the time being, because he was fearful that Y/N would betray our secrets to the humans, he was the only one I could turn to. He was my best friend and I needed his help. He would know what to do. He could probably make a tracking spell. I’d give him an object of hers and he’d snap his magical fingers and we’d find them, right? That was the only way. I sighed and hurried out of the forest and towards the town where Seoho resided, a couple of miles from here. I could only pray that I would be fast enough. That I would get his help and that we’d manage to get to her before it was too late. If that damn werewolf hurt her…I would kill him and then, myself for letting it happen. Fuck. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. Leaving her alone to go hunting during a full moon. What was I thinking? She must have been so scared…My poor, brave girl. I would find her, I vowed to myself. No matter the consequences.

🌙🌙🌙

Reader’s POV

In the morning, you opened your eyes. Despite your terror, you had managed to get some sleep. Above you, you could faintly see a glimmer of light coming from a very strange hole on the roof of…whatever this was. But all around you, there were metal bars. And no key. Once the moon was no longer visible, you witnessed the impossible. Well, by now you were fairly convinced that the impossible was very much part of your reality. However, it was one thing suspecting that the werewolf who’d followed you was your best friend, Leedo. And it was another seeing his transformation for yourself. It was terrifying to look at and you couldn’t imagine how he felt actually experiencing it. You mentally scolded yourself. You weren’t supposed to pity him. He had kidnapped you. Taken you away from your boyfriend, from your home. Friend or not, Leedo no longer deserved your sympathy, you had to remind yourself. He was different from the kid you remembered and you had to make peace with that one way or another.

“Y/N, did I hurt you?” were Leedo’s first words once he had regained his human form.

Oh, great. He was concerned. How was that supposed to make you dislike him?

“Why am I here, Leedo?” you groaned, exasperated.

“You’re not surprised? That I am…well, you saw what I am.”

You rolled your eyes.

“I suspected it, to be honest,” you announced smugly. “Will you respond to my question?”

Leedo ran a hand through his sweaty hair.

“You’ll think I’m crazy.”

“Try me,” you challenged him bravely.

“Listen…it wasn’t supposed to happen like that. But during the full moon, I have a hard time controlling my urges and…you’re already here so, I might as well…”

You blinked at him in confusion.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“I think you’re my mate.”

“Duh, we’ve been friends since kids,” you replied.

“No, that’s not what I meant…To werewolves, having a mate is different than having a friend. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Don’t underestimate my intelligence, Leedo,” you scoffed.

“Okay, then,” he laughed. “It means you’re my soulmate. That the moon destined us to be together. That…I want, no, I need to make you mine.”

Oh, God. He’d really lost his mind, huh?

“First of all, I don’t believe in destiny,” you snapped at him. “We choose who to be with. Second of all, do you really think kidnapping me is the right way to make me…I can’t even say it,” you hissed angrily. “I don’t belong to anyone but myself.”

Leedo nodded sadly.

“I know it’s a lot to process…”

“No, it’s not. You’re just delusional.”

“Listen…I don’t know what that boyfriend of yours brainwashed you but whatever lies he’s been feeding you, forget about it.”

Oh, you wished you could laugh at the irony, but it was impossible, because you couldn’t risk exposing your boyfriend’s secret. Leedo had it all wrong. Instead of lies, you had been feeding Ravn something else.

“You don’t even know him,” you said through clenched teeth.

“I know enough,” Leedo replied. “I could smell death all over that castle of his. He’s a vampire, isn’t he?”

You stood, completely wide-eyed and speechless. How had he figured it out so quickly? The same way Ravn had known Leedo was a werewolf, perhaps. Maybe supernatural creatures had a special way of spotting or sensing other beings, that was the only explanation. In any case, you could neither confirm it, nor deny it. If you lied, Leedo would see right through you, you were such a terrible liar. If you said the truth, you would be betraying your boyfriend’s secret. So, you just remained silent.

“I knew it,” Leedo continued. “Did he drink from you? Did you know that vampires’ fangs have a venom that’s capable of controlling humans? Whatever he made you do, it’s not real. He took away your free will, Y/N. And you accuse me of kidnapping you,” he shook his head as if it was funny.

You had not, in fact, known that. It wasn’t in any of the books you’d read on vampires. And Ravn had never mentioned it. Could you really believe Leedo? Whatever he said, you didn’t care. Ravn had never treated you with anything other than respect and utmost care. He wasn’t the villain in your story. He had never made you do anything against your will. And you loved him.

“He did no such thing!” you shouted passionately, completely forgetting about the fact Ravn’s secret was now exposed and transfixed by the idea to defend his virtue. “I stayed with him out of my own free will, because my parents were assholes who loved money more than they ever loved me!”

“You don’t have to stay with him anymore,” Leedo said. “You can stay with me.”

“In this cold, damp place in the middle of nowhere?” you spat out sarcastically. “I’d rather die!”

“Don’t say that,” Leedo grabbed your arms and you tried to push him away but he was too strong. “I can make you happy.”

You began shaking.

“Don’t you see you’re scaring me?” you whimpered. You were trapped. You were so far away from home and you couldn’t escape. You wanted out. You felt as if you were suffocating. “Please, Leedo, you have to let me go. If you ever cared for me, you’ll let me go…”

“I can’t,” he let go of your arms but took a step back, as if to remind you of the situation you were in. You were suddenly very aware of the metal bars surrounding you like a cage. You were the bird and your wings had been clipped.

“I will never love you the way you want me to,” you vowed, tears of frustration and fear falling down your cheeks.

“Give it time,” Leedo smirked. “You’ll change your mind.”

“I won’t.”

To be continued…

[flawnle]

My brain decided to have angst for my weird au thing. Feel free to ignore if you want nothing to do with it.

-[START]-

Dmitri spotted the fucker, the one who’s been messing up his prison. He gives chase, just barely keeping the person in sight as he followed. They make a right turn. He knew this would lead to a dead end. Dmitri slides into the hallway ready to confront them but instead sees someone a bit more familiar.

Wallace, his son, was standing around where the person he was chasing should be. He seemed unbothered. Like someone hadn’t just ran by. He noticed Dmitri and greeted him with a wave.

“Uh, hey kid. Did you happen to see a person run past here? I’ve been chasing them down and I’m sure I saw them run in here!”

Dmitri says quickly. Not wanting to risk the person who’s been running his place to the ground getting away. Wallace just looked confused.

“I didn’t see anyone sorry.. maybe they went the other way?”

“Im sure I saw them run in here kid. My eyesight is perfectly fine.”

“Well I honestly saw nobody.”

Dmitri groaned in annoyance. Looking down the other hallway.

“Maybe they went the other way... I can still catch them!”

He was about to go off again but Wallace stoped him.

“Actually I wanted to talk to you for a second.”

“Wallace. I really got to go after this guy..”

“They are probably gone by now, they’ll be back eventually. Next time you can get all of us to help conner them property.”

Dmitri thought for a second. The guy will indeed come back, he doesn’t seem to have finished his job.

“.. fine. What did you want to talk about kid?”

“Well it’s just I’ve realized I haven’t exactly been completely honest with you about some things..”

He said nervously. Wallace figgeted with his bracelet. Dmitri raised his eyebrows in a bit of surprise. Out of all the topics he thought Wallace was going to go to he never expected that.

“Well whatever it is I won’t be mad at you. Just explain alright? How many things are we talking about here?”

“O-only two..”

“What’s the first thing?”

“... it’s about my nightmares.”

Dmitri sighed. He knew how bad Wallace’s nightmares were, plus the fact he’s been dealing them them for about 20 years. He didn’t know much about them asside from the one time he found Wallace crying when he woke up. That was also the time he found out he had nightmares to begin with.

“What about them? Have they gotten worse or something?”

“Not exactly..”

Wallace looked Dmitri in the eyes as two lengthy looking figures rose from his shadow. Their faces looked the same, eyes not seemed to exist. They scared down at Dmitri. He took a step back.

“These... are my nightmares..”

“Kid I don’t know what to tell you but, nightmares are dreams. They don’t come out like that physically! It’s like some sort of cryptid shit!”

“I can’t expect you to believe me.. but I’m telling the truth, these things are the stuff that make my nightmares what they are.”

“May we speak now..? Speak now..?”

Wallace shot the two a look after one of them spoke. Their echoing voices seemed to bounce off walls that didn’t exist.

“Not yet.”

“... did that thing just ask you permission to speak??”

“Y-yeah... one day they just decided to leave me a alone and start listening to what I tell them too. They said I wasn’t worth the trouble if I was already this far gone.”

Wallace’s words confused Dmitri. What does he mean by ‘this far gone’? As far as he knew Wallace was the same as he has been since the day he came to the wall.

“Kid.. what are you talking about?”

“You wouldn’t notice the difference... it’s been like this for awhile...”

He gave a small nod to the creatures. They move forward a bit to speak.

“About 3-4 years to be exact~ be exact~”

“What..?”

Dmitri was stunned. How could this be happening for years when he’s seen how these very nightmares effected Wallace first hand. Then a new thought crossed his mind. Could Wallace had faked that? Pretended the nightmares effected him the way it did when that wasn’t the case? He shook his head slightly, getting rid of the thought. Wallace wouldn’t fake something like that, he had no reason to. He trusts his son.

“Is something wrong? Something wrong?”

“Yeah, your fuckin voices.”

“That’s enough guys..”

The two returned back to Wallace’s side after he spoke.

“I’m sorry for not mentioning them before, there never really was a good time for me to tell you..”

“It’s fine kid. That was then, this is now.”

“Thanks.. there still the other thing though..”

Dmitri almost forgot about that. Seeing the two creatures made him lose track of the fact wallce said there was two things, not just one.

“We’ll go ahead. Surely it can’t get weirder then you having cryptids at your command.”

“If your sure..”

Those words from Wallace made Dmitri nervous. The figures seemed to smirk, as if they knew what was to come.

“... I’m still a tophat.”

He said simply. After he spoke his posture changed. Dmitri couldn’t tell how though, he was more focused on his words.

“You.. WHAT?! Your still a tophat? Why didn’t you tell me sooner!”

“I didn’t think it was necessary. I’m still actively working here. It just made it easier to say I didn’t work with them anymore. But I feel the need to come clean about it.”

“Kid, you really should have told me. We have an alliance with them, it doesn’t matter if you are or aren’t one.”

“... I know.”

“He just didn’t want to~ want to~”

Wallace nodded at what the figure said. Dmitri finally figured out what was different. Wallacw was standing more straight, as if more professional. He didn’t like the implications of that.

“Didn’t want to..?”

“Exactly! Like Wally boy said, it was unnecessary, so why bother? Besides, he didn’t want to ruin what you thought of him. Of him.”

“Is this true?”

Dmitri asked. Now more on edge, there’s something off about all this. Wallace was still hiding something, he just knew it. And god be dammed if he didn’t find out what.

“Of course it is. They wouldn’t lie, at lest not to you. They’d only really try to lie to me.”

“I wouldn’t have thought any less of you if I knew Wallace..”

“I know, I know. I didn’t know then but I do now. That’s why I’m telling you.”

“And that’s it? That’s all you wanted to tell me?”

“Pretty much, yeah..”

Wallace started acting a bit more like one he knew. But Dmitri planned on finding out more.

“.. who exactly were you chasing just now..?”

The question caught him off guard, he was about to say something before Wallace did. But Dmitri composed himself, trying not to let Wallace know he knew something was up.

“Just the fucker that decided they could march on in here and try to sabotage my complex..”

He says with a growl. Wallace seemed to think for a second.

“Oooohhhh THATS who you were after! I know who that is.”

“Wh-what!? Yow KNOW!? Why didn’t you tell me!”

“Why wouldn’t I know who I am?”

“Wha- that’s not what I-“

Dmitri’s voice trails off his gaze matched Wallace’s as realization sank in. He smirked as he saw Dmitri’s expression.

“You.. you..”

“Come on now Dmitri. You can say it.”

“Your the one who’s been sabotaging the wall..”

His voice was shaky. Dmitri couldn’t believe it. How could he? His own son, the one who he was thinking of possibly handing the wall over to, is the one who’s been setting it up to fail. A look of satisfaction rested on Wallace’s face.

“There you go. I’m surprised it look having to say it outright for you to realize~”

Everything about Wallace changed. How he stood, how he spoke, it was startling. It was like someone flipped a switch in him. But for some reason, Dmitri got the feeling he was finally meeting the real Wallace Pemberton.

“Why..? Why would you..?”

“Sabotage the wall? It was my duty. I wasn’t just a spy, my job was to break everyone out, and I was going so slowly but surely, by taking the wall down completely..”

“But there’s a-“

“An alliance, I know. The reason’s quite simple. You were too late. The plan was too far into motion. I can’t reverse it now, so why should I stop? Might as well go all in.”

Wallace smirked once again, the nightmares behind him smirked as well. He was scary. Dmitri backed up, wanting to try to run. He couldn’t kill Wallace, he’s his son for gods sake! So his only option was to get out of there.

“And where do you think YOUR going? Your going?”

Wallaces voice mixed with the nightmares. It startled Dmitri so much he froze in place. The one of the nightmares take the opportunity to come up behind him. Stoping his attempt of escape. Wallace’s a kind of “tsk tsk tsk” sound, like he was about to scold a child.

“What made you think I’d just let you leave? There’s still some stuff I want to say~ don’t you know it’s rude to leave a conversation early?”

“...”

“Good to know your smart enough to know when to shut up.”

The nightmares laughed a bit at that. The echoing laughter made Dmitri’s head hurt.

“You know, I was planning on waiting until you give me the wall before I revealed myself. But I’ll admit, I made an amateur mistake, I fumbled. You caught on end it was either I show myself willingly, or you find out in... a situation I wouldn’t find favorable.”

“You didn’t want to be ambushed..”

“Exactly! I’m glad you understand. I always knew there was some kind of brain in that hollow skull of yours~”

“...”

Wallace looked at Dmitri. Raising an eyebrow in amusement at his expression of confusion and betrayal.

“I get why your so quiet now. Your betrayed, backstabbed, by the man you concidered your son. Confused as to why, how, I could possibly do such a thing.”

“I thought you cared..”

Wallace freezes at that. Maybe he’s feeling some form of remorse? Gult? He knew the answer almost immediately after those thoughts, because Wallace started laughing. Similar to the laugh of the nightmares. He was laughing at him, absolutely losing it. It seemed like Wallace tried to compose himself after his laughing fit.

“You.. you really thought-“

It’s hard for him to speak through his giggles.

“You really thought I cared! Haha! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard! YOU THOUGHT I CARED ABOUT YOU!”

Dmitri flinched. This was his son, his son who never cared.

“I CANT BELIEVE IT! Why would I care for a sorry old man like you!? Your a useless waist of a man who can’t even lay a finger on the person who betrayed you. All because I’m your ‘son’ “

He put son in air quotes. Cackling here and there.

“Oh Dmitri how far you’ve fallen. You’ve made my job so much easier! I was going to kill you here and now but now I don’t want to anymore.”

“Wh-what..?”

“I think I’d rather see you SUFFER. I want to watch the pain in your face as you watch your son ruin the one place you call home. The place you’ve spent your life keeping together. IM GOING TO RIP IT TO SHREADS! And you won’t do anything about it.”

Dmitri started to shake, he was actually scared of Wallace. And he knew he wouldn’t do anything to him. He couldn’t, it’d break him to put Wallace in harms way, even if he’s betrayed him.

“Your.. your a monster..”

“Oh how you flatter me. Monster is such a tame word to call me.”

He chuckled, his eyes glancing to a clock on the wall. Wallace’s expression turned into a sickly sweet smile. The nightmares disappearing.

“Sorry to cut this short.. but I have a very appointment to get to. I’ll see you again I’m sure of it.”

“...”

Dmitri watched Wallace walk away cheerfully, like nothing ever happened. He was at a loss for words. He collapsed on the ground, taking a few deep breaths, as it felt like he wasn’t breathing.

He couldn’t believe what just happened, but he had to. Dmitri couldn’t do anything but prepare for his pain. As much as he wanted to stop Wallace, he couldn’t do it. And so Dmitri walks somberly back to his office.

-[End]-

[ad1thi]

Bruised, Not Broken - CHP 2

...i may have forgotten to cross-post on here again, so im rectifying that!! the next chapter will be out in a couple of days!! (as long as i don’t forget)

//

chapter 2/? || also on ao3

//

She wakes up a couple hours after they’ve checked into the motel.

It’d been interesting checking in: James pillowing her head in the crook of his neck and carrying her out of the truck bridal style to the motel reception; and trying his best to convince the pimple-faced teenager who’d drawn the unlikely straw for the night shift that she was his girlfriend and James simply didn’t want to wake her. His normal guy wasn't behind the register, and it made the whole thing more complicated than it needed to be.

There was a minute when James wondered if it was easier to just shoot the kid and be done with it, but then the keys were slid across the desk and he turned back to his phone, apparently no longer interested in what James was doing with an unconscious woman in his hands.

The room they’ve been given is a couple floors above the reception, and ordinarily James would prefer a room on the ground floor, because they were easier to both enter and escape from; but this particular room overlooks the parking lot and the entrance to the motel, so he’s still got a couple of good vantage points if he needs them.

He’s left the woman on the bed, rearranging her and draping the thread-bare blanket over her body before slowly easing her out of his jacket. He doesn’t like leaving her alone, especially when she’s not even in a state to look after herself should she need to - but James needs to go back to the truck and grab his stuff.

He also needs to make a trip to the nearest shops, because he hasn’t packed for more than a day’s trip. He’s okay with wearing the same clothes over and over, but he needs to grab a couple pairs of briefs and boxers if he’s going to get through this trip. He leaves one of his guns on the bedside table; loaded but with the safety on and locks the door on his way out, to make sure that nobody can get in without his say so.

He knows that she’s awake when he gets back, because he unlocks the door to see her sitting up, blankets pooled loosely around her waist, and the t-shirt she’s got on doing nothing to hide the way that she’s shivering.

Old instincts die hard though, because the first thing that James notices isn’t that she’s awake, or the stiff way she’s holding herself, likely from all her injuries.

The first thing James notices is the gun that she’s holding; pointed directly at him.

The key jingles lightly where it’s nestled in the lock as James slowly puts the bags he’s holding down on the floor, and then straightens himself just as slowly. He’s been around victims before, and Rule Number 1 is always the same: No sudden movements.

He lifts his hands up near his shoulders, palms facing her, in a facsimile of surrender, and once he’s sure that she’s recognised the move for what it is, asks in a low voice, “You want to put that gun down, doll? You could hurt someone with it.”

Her grip on the gun loosens imperceptibly, but she doesn’t lower it.

“That’s the plan,” she shoots back, and oh, she’s got a pretty voice, “Unless you can give me some sort of reason why I shouldn’t.”

James shrugs, “You’re in a strange place, barely clothed, and I’m a strange man who just let myself into this room. You’ve got no reason not to shoot me doll.”

Her eyes narrow at that, “You’re not helping yourself here.”

“Can I step in? I don’t want to get the cold air in. You’re shivering enough that I’m worried you’re going to collapse if it gets any colder here.”

She gestures with the gun, and James takes a couple of steps forward, nudging his bags with his feet and fishing the key out of the lock before kicking the door shut with his heel.

“I’m not trying to help myself here,” he continues, “I’m trying to help you. You got no reason to trust me. From the looks of it, you got no reason to trust anybody for a real long time. I can tell you that you can trust me, but me and you both know that my words mean nothing to you. My actions on the other hand, well I’m hoping those might convince you.”

“You want to take that gun and run? I’m gonna let you do that. Hell, I’ll give you the keys to my truck too, make things easier on you. But I’ve got a job; and that’s keeping you alive until your piece of shit husband’s arrested. I’m gonna do that job with or without your trust, because I don’t need your trust to keep you alive.”

“So no,” he runs his hands through his hair, “I’m not trying to help myself here. I’m trying to help you. And helping you means telling you the truth, no matter what.”

For a couple of minutes, she’s silent, staring at him down the barrel of the gun.

If he wanted to, James could rip it out of her hand and have her on her back in seconds, completely defenceless. He could pull out the gun he’s got resting in the small of his back and fire a warning shot, not close enough to injure anything but something that’ll make her flinch. Given the way her hands are shaking, it’s entirely likely that James could just duck and she’d miss him entirely.

Pointing the gun at him isn’t about her having the upper hand. She doesn’t have the upper hand, not with his training, his years in combat, his expertise. From the moment James stepped into the motel room, he’s had the upper hand.

No, pointing the gun at him is about her thinking she has the upper hand; about her taking back control of her life, having some semblance of independence and security. James left the gun on the bedside table for that very reason.

Granted, he didn’t expect her to wake up in the time that he was gone, nor did he expect that he’d been on the business end of the gun, but the end result is the same: she’s in a position where she thinks she can defend herself, where she feels like she’s the powerful one for once.

James is willing to risk getting shot for that.

Eventually, she sets down the gun, resting it on her lap but not letting her grip on it fully lax. Almost as if she’s coming down from an adrenaline high, she realises how cold she is, and pulls the blanket to cover her chest and shoulders, shifting her hips down the bed to make herself more comfortable.

James waits for a beat to see if she’s going to say anything, before picking up his bags and making his way across the room. He sets his duffel bag on the desk, testing it lightly to make sure it’ll hold the weight of his bag when it creaks, and then sets down his shopping on the floor right next to it.

He squats down to his knees, and fishes out the brown paper bag, tossing it onto the bed. She eyes it warily, before a hand sticks out of the blanket to grab it.

“It’s a cheese-burger and fries,” he offers, and her eyes widen slightly, “It’s a bit cold now, but I figured you’d be hungry whenever you woke up.”

“You’re his friend, aren’t you?” she says between bites of fries, stuffing her mouth with them like she’s never seen them before. Given her stick figure, James would put money on the fact that it has in fact been ages since she’s indulged in anything other than a salad, “The one he told me about. You’re that retired assassin.”

James frowns, “Friend might be stretching it. But yeah, I’m the one he told you about. James.”

He settles on the edge of the bed, for no other reason than there’s nowhere else to sit but the bed, and when he sticks his hand out; she covers it with her own.

“Toni,” she swallows around a couple of fries, “I don’t know what he told me about you, but my name’s Toni.”

“He didn’t tell me anything about you doll,” James huffs, “Didn’t even tell me you were a person. I just got a call in the dead of the night telling me that I had cargo to move. ‘Bout lost my shit when I found out my cargo was you, thought I was meant to kill you.”

“Why didn’t you?” Toni asks curiously, and James has to consciously stop himself from gripping the bed sheets hard enough to tear because nobody should sound so cavalier about their own death.

“I don’t do that stuff anymore. I only got into it because there’s not much jobs for a banged up vet and I needed something to pay the bills, but the minute I earned enough to keep me comfortable? I got out of that life. Didn’t like killing people when I was in the Army, and I didn’t like killing people when I was out of it.”

Toni’s moved onto the cheeseburger, and she hums around it, “He said you were like that.”

“Like what?”

“Honourable,” she licks at her lips to catch the crumbs, “He said you were honourable.”

At that, James smiles, “I’m a lot of things doll, honourable ain’t one of them.”

“You just helped a girl you don’t even know escape halfway across the country. You put a gun on my bedside table, because you wanted me to be able to defend myself, and you didn’t even flinch when I turned it on you.” She waves her half eaten cheeseburger, “You went out and got me food, on the off-chance that I might be hungry.”

“Dishonourable men don’t do that. Trust me, I would know.”

James swallows thickly, around the lump that’s built up in his throat. It’s been a long time since someone called him honourable, had a kind word to say about him - and then there’s Toni.

“I got you some clothes,” he says in lieu of an actual response, “I don’t know what your size is, so if something doesn’t fit right, just let me know and I’ll go get something new. But I figured you’d want to change into something more than..” he trails off, gesturing at her to convey what he means.

“We're not going to be here for long, no more than a night, but the shower’s yours if you want to use it. I’ll shower in the morning before we head out.”

Toni nods, clearly nonplussed by the sudden topic change, but she slips out of bed and walks over to where James is pointing at a plastic bag of clothes, rummaging through them till she pulls out a pair of trousers and a long sleeved t-shirt.

“I couldn’t find any good jacket, but there’s a thrift store a couple miles from here that I figured we could stop at tomorrow. Until then, you’re welcome to use mine.”

���I’m just gonna - “ Toni gestures behind her at the bathroom, and James averts his eyes as she walks past him to go in. Now that she’s conscious, he’s suddenly much more aware of her state of undress; and he’s not about to ruin all the progress he’s just made for her.

He keeps his eyes trained on the floor until he hears the water turn on; then pulls out his phone to start looking up the quickest way to get to Natasha’s place.

tbc

tagging a few people who were interested in this: @favreaus, @lovelyanthony, @the-pasta-monster, @warmachinesocks

[ameliashepherdwannabe]

This is a prompt from @doep1csh1t

Amelia gets sick (your choice with what) while living at the hospital in season 12 (after Mer kicked her out and she fought with Owen, before Mer’s attack). Maybe Jo and Alex find her and take care of her until Maggie can come help.

THIS TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG IM SO SORRY!! i’ll try to be more active now that my school works done. There’s some jolex here too :)

tw//suicidal thoughts

Let Me Help You

My eyes burned. My throat burned. My head burned. Everything was on fire. I sent everything up in flames. Again. Of course I did.

I was doing good, after derek’s death, after Mer came home. I was with Owen, kind of. I was happy, I laughed, I smiled, I joked.

And now I was in a supply closet sobbing. Hugging a bottle of vodka I took from someone’s locker.

After I yelled at Meredith and she kicked me out, I felt empty, hallow. I went down to the clinic to avoid anybody that I had ever talked with. Which wasn’t a good idea considering it was the beginning of the flu season and people were spitting up germs left and right. I felt horrible. I couldn’t tell if that’s because i’ve been sobbing my heart out or coughing up my lungs for the past hour.

The only thing stopping me from downing the entire bottle was how physically bad I felt. I really wanted to but I was exhausted, my chest was heavy and I couldn’t get my head to lift past the cold floor. What if I was dying? That’d be good. I would see Derek, my dad, Mark, i’d get to know Lexie better. And my son. What if I just died? It would be better then facing whatever mysterious deadly disease I contracted. I try to push myself off the floor but the world spins and another harsh coughing fit forces me back down. Well I guess this is how god wants me to die. Slow, and painfully. Like my life. No, no. There’s no god. No god would take away every ounce of happiness in my life. Nobody in the right state of mind would do it. Well, maybe god has a giant inoperable glioma. Then I guess I could forgive it.

My chest stings, so does my throat. I want to go home, run a hot bath and snuggle into bed, but I don’t have a home. I’m homeless. This wouldn’t be the first time. Hell, it wouldn’t be the second.

The door of the supply closet opens but I have no strength to move. I start crying even harder, tears blur my vision. I know whoever this is going on to think I’m some sort of crazy lady on the floor of a supply closet hugging an unopened bottle of vodka.

“Docter Shepherd?” someone asks, I hear the door shut behind them. I hear concern in their voice and it makes me cry harder. “Do you want me to go?”

I open my eyes and notice Wilson still standing by the door, her hand still on the handle. If she left, I’d be alone, I shouldn’t be alone right now. I shake my head and she starts to grab a few things, as she turns to leave she asks, “Do you need anything?” I start coughing again and crying.

“Don’t go,”��I beg softly, “Please,”

“I’m on Dr. Avery’s service today, I’m sorry but I need to get back. Do you want me to get somebody? Maybe Dr. Grey?” The thought of Meredith seeing she successfully hurt me panic more.

“No, no, please no. I’ll tell him I needed you,” I just wanted someone to hug me and tell me I wasn’t alone. It made me weak and pathetic but i’ve moved way passed the line of giving a fuck about what people think about me.

Jo closed and locked the door. She walked over to me and slowly slid down to my level.

“Alex proposed,” She said softly, I could trace a tear falling out of her eye. “I would do anything to say yes, but I can’t, I love him more then anybody. But I legally can’t,”

I don’t know what she means but I have no right to judge her so I just reach my hand out. Jo grabs it and just the simple human touch makes me start to sob again. And crying made me cough.

“Dr. Shepherd—”

“Amelia,” I interject between my body trying to jack up my lungs,

“Amelia, that cough really doesn’t sound good,” she runs her hand up and down my back in attempt of making my coughs slow down.

Eventually they do. Jo looks down at me with watery eyes and puts her overly cool hand on my forehead. Jo, I’m dying let it happen.

“Dr.-, Amelia. You have a fever,”

“Wilson, death is calling let it happen.”

“Amelia, I don’t think your dying. You probably just caught a bad case of bronchitis.”

I started crying again. I didn’t know if it was relief, embarrassment for thinking I was going to die, or regret for being sick but not dying.

I curl up into a ball, You’re being so weak, Meredith would be laughing her ass off at you if she could see it. My internal monologue is the death of me. I start laughing at the absurd conversation accruing in my head.

Jo sighs, “I can take you home, back to Dr. Grey’s?”

“No, no, no, no,”

“Okay, I’m working over shift and someone’s probably taken care of what I’m supposed to do,”

I took out my phone and texted Jackson that Jo was needed with me. I sat up as I continued to cough, even though every cell in my body wanted me to lie back down, I needed more oxygen. Jo sat there and just rubbed my back.

“I’ll take you back to Alex’s okay? So you can rest? Its the safest place for now I guess,”

I nodded and leaned back against her. My sweaty body against her cool one caused a set of chills to run through me.

“Okay, Amelia, let’s get you home,”

Jo lifted me up under my armpits and I slumpt against her. We walked out into the bright hallway, I heard people’s voices but they were muffled from my fever. I knew they were talking about me. I started to silently sob as we walked.

“It’s okay Amelia, we’re almost there. Hold on,”

—————————————————————————————————————

“I’ve been driving around looking for you for the past hour!” I heard someone yell, he sounded hurt.

“I was at Grey Sloan! And why were you chasing me around?”

“Well why did you bring Amelia back here? Did you kidnap her?”

“Alex, Look at her. How could I just leave her there? I found her crying in a supply closet coughing up her lungs.”

“Jo, why didn’t you just call Meredith?”

“She didn’t want me to!”

“What about Maggie!”

“Could you guys kindly shut the fuck up, or go outside? My head is killing me.” I said hoarsely, coughing a few times.

“I’m sorry,” they whispered,

“Amelia,” Jo walked up to me, “Can I call Maggie?”

“No,” I shook my head,

“Amelia-” Alex jumped in,

Jo whispered something to Alex and then went to the bathroom to get something, my chest burned too much to care.

“I’m sorry,” I coughed, “For making you lie to Meredith and have me infect everything around you with germs,”

“It’s no trouble,” Jo answered, “Alex just went outside to make a call,”

“Oh my god,” I sat up, coughing more, “Oh god this must be so awkward,”

“Lie down, and let’s not talk about it, maybe?” she stuck a thermometer into my mouth before I had the chance to respond,

“Rude,” I teased,

“Very mature of an attending like your self,” she put a teeshirt and sweatpants in front of me, “Put those on in a sec,”

The thermometer beeped, “101.3,” I started to put it on the coffee table but Jo snatched it out of my hands, “You’re pretty bossy for a resident,”

She scoffed, “You’re pretty immature for an attending sooo,” This made me laugh, so it made me cough. Jo sat down next to me and started to rub my back, a sorry attempt to calm my lungs down. “Yeah, that’s bronchitis. Change! Then get in the bed, don’t argue, I’m not ratting you out to your sisters like I should!”

The smile on my face immediately faded, “Meredith’s not my sister.”

“That’s arguable-”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” I knew she was huge mood killer, that Jo was just trying to get me to laugh.

“Change, then get into the bed. I’m going to set up a humidifier and maybe we can watch a movie?”

I nodded as I finished changing into Jo’s clothes I jumped onto their bed.

“Maggie still has awhile ‘till her shift is over, so your stuck with us for the rest of tonight!” Alex exclaimed, closing the door as he reentered the loft. I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

“Karev, is that fake enthusiasm I’m hearing?” I mutter softly, my eyes slipping shut.

“WHAT!! Of course not!!” I laugh at his response,

“Okay Evilspawn,” I mutter, it made alex laugh. Once everything was quiet, my lungs were the loudest thing in the room. No doubt about it, they were struggling.

“Alex,” Jo asked, setting the humidifier down next to me, “Could you get a nebulizer from the hospital, just in case she might need it,”

”She probably will,” Alex muttered. Just then, I started coughing. Harsh, echoey coughs that made it almost impossible to breathe with.

“Okay, let’s sit you up.” Jo pushed me up and sat behind me as I coughed into my elbow. “Deep breaths, deep breaths.”

“Alex try to hurry up with the nebulizer. I’m gonna order something from the deli across the street so just pick it up on your way back.”

Alex nodded and hurried out. “Do you want noodles in your chicken soup?” I nodded, snuggling closer to her, “I’m making them make it spicy, since supposedly that’ll help the congestion in your lungs-”

I didn’t get to here what else Jo had said because I had just fallen asleep on the spot.

—————————————————————————————————————

“I’m your sister!” I scream,

“You are not my sister. Cristina is my sister. You are Derek’s sister, and derek is gone.” Meredith’s voice echoed. Of everything she has said to me, this one might’ve hurt true most.

“Dr. Grey, I changed the mediastinal drains—” Penny barged in,

“GET OUT!” I yell, “Is this why you hate me? ‘Cause I remind you of him? Does it help you to hate me?”

I’m suddenly shaken out of my nightmare,

“Amelia! Amelia, hey. You’re shaking,” Alex looked at me concerned, “I thought it was your bronchitis but it was just a nightmare. What happened? Were you chased by a giant rubber ducky and thrown into a pool of ice?” he snorts,

“No I was chased by Medusa,” I replied hoarsely, It was then when I realized the uncomfortable nebulizer on my face and tore it off,

“Are you feeling up to eating something?” Jo asked sweetly from the kitchen,

“Umm, yeah. Could I have some of that?” I reached my hand out to alex who was eating some cheap delicious looking chips,

“Fine but you have to have some soup too,” Jo started preparing it while I leaned forward and snatch the bag of takis from alex. This was depressingly hard to do as I put my hands above my head to try and catch my wheezy breath.

“Dude, your pretty fucking desperate for some takis,”

“You’re not as funny as you think you are,” I cough,

“He knows he just doesn’t care,” Jo laughed,

“Let’s watch a movie,” Alex interrupted, jumping to grab his computer, “How about a horror movie?”

“Fine, but nothings scary anymore. Like i’ve watched all the scary ones all ready,” I reply,

“He always gets scared,” Jo adds,

“I think your talking about yourself,” Alex shoots her a look.

I suddenly start coughing harshly, too harshly. Jo hurries up to me and puts the nebulizer back over my mouth, motioning for me to lie back down.

“How about we just let you rest?” I nod slowly, drifting off into a feverish dreamland.

—————————————————————————————————————

I wake up and feel someone stroking my head, I’m pretty sure I had just slept awhile but I didn’t feel much better. I push away whoever’s touching my head as it makes it pound harder.

“Amelia, hey, you’re awake!” Maggie says softly,

“Ugh, where am I?” I ask groggily,

“Back home, at Meredith’s,”

“What?” I sit up, “I can’t be here!”

“Amelia, it’s okay. Your sick, you need to rest,” Almost on que, I started coughing harshly. Maggie handed me a tissue to spit up some phlegm in.

“Meredith hates me though,” I layed back down on her lap, “I shouldn’t be here,”

“Well Meredith will get off her high horse when she sees how deathly pale and sick you are, huh?”

“Meredith will get off her-” Mer barged into Maggie’s room, “Amelia! What are you doing-, are you okay?”

I give her a thumbs up and cough quietly,

“She’s fine, but let’s not kick each other out, how about that?”

Meredith paled at Maggie’s accusation, obviously regretting what she said. But it was my fault, I pushed her too far. I knew it as I said it.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I looked her in the eyes,

“No, no, save your breath,” She sat down next to me and rubbed my back,

“We’re sisters,” Maggie said, “Come on let’s say it together,”

“We’re sisters,” me and Mer muttered,

“Ugh good enough.” Maggie said.

It made me smile.

Fin.

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[ever-fics]

The story I’m about to tell you is the story of 7 Alleyways

The first alleyway is encountered by an eavesdropping young Royal with a penchant for trouble spying yet again on thier fathers plans out of... twisted curiousity especially when their father the current king mentioned change from normal and change in routine. The young royals father had his newly appointed guards lined up in pristine order not unlike holiday nutcrackers.

“You May face unexpected challenges to your work so as guards I expect you to be ready for anything and everything.” The king noted scanning the crowd with almost scholarly study.

“For example Y/N I know your there we have discussed this. If you were not my child another court would accuse you of espionage. Luckily I know enough about myself to recognize my own youthful mischief in my children.” The king sighed

“Sorry Daddy.” Y/N bashfully looked away.... noticing an odd hue of fiery red hair.... and clothes and ok this dude really really likes the color red.

“I expect you to keep them in line.I will most likely assign you by age. However, know this I expect no trouble from either you or your charges. Especially no eavesdropping.” The king sent a knowing look to Y/N

“Dismissed.” The King declared

Y/N who scratched the back of thier neck.

“Oh and Vexx since they are your charge escort them back.” The king added.

“Sure your highness.” Vexx smirked before following orders.

The young royal proceeded walking with Vexx back to thier chambers...

“So you must really enjoy the color red?” The royal smirked eyeing the entire ensemble.

“It’s a bit of a personal moniker due to the hair....” to say Vexx was taken aback by Royals of any kind speaking to or noticing anything about him .... well let’s just say that would be the understatement of the year.

“I figured .... it just must be hard to try to blend into a crowd. No offense I like it it’s just...yeah.” The royal chuckled at their own stupidity.

“Your one to talk child of the king. Media darling ... and appearently according to your father “mischief””

Vexx chuckled air quoting mischief. He wasn’t originally sure about doing this whole gaurd thing... but his assignment doesn’t seem half bad. They have a sense of humor at least.

“First thing you should know if you’re to be working with me my family and the media are almost polar oppposites. One pays almost too much attention too me the other doesn’t notice my existence save for when I’ve caused trouble or dishonored my great ancestral line. An actual lecture I get more than I’d like too.” Y/N looked down.

“Well then I should strive to be the middle then shouldn’t I?” Vexx chuckled.

Alleyway 2

Was the first time Vexx had to come to terms with the fact he had been given the “hard” assignment.

A fact that became painfully obvious when looking around the empty quarters.

Even more obvious when Y/N in whatever garb they had on emerged from the secret alley portrait passage covered in paint... grinning like mad.

“What the hell?” Vexx with crossed arms and an even more cross face demanded.

“I ... Um... It’s not as bad as it looks my brother is a bore so I repainted his private personal portrait in his quarters .... with a unibrow and some buck teeth take him down a peg it’s in his chambers you won’t get in trouble...” Y/N frowned.

“I don’t care about getting in trouble or you’re brothers stupid portrait. You always talk about feeling alone when when were stuck here playing board games... however the one person who doesn’t want you to be alone and you ditch them.” Vexx lectured.

“You get paid to say that just like anyone else here... like the chefs who dump food on my plate and don’t so much as smile at me. Or the servants who cower in my direction fearing my anger but I’m not angry ... your whole directive is making sure I’m not alone is it so yeah...” Y/N retorted

“Ok then fuck this... fuck following the rules. And you know what fuck you’re entitled attitude. Yeah sure maybe this started as a job but I’ve seen you act like everybody’s puppet and I hate it. I’ve seen you cry alone on rainy nights and I’ve seen you do a fake smile that you convince is genuine. I watch you do that tapping thing you do in meetings and how you bite your lip to keep your mouth shut to please whatever dumb conviention this is.... I know that the idea of you’re father sort of looking like those weird candy’s never fails to make you laugh...and you know what at that point it kind of stops just being to quote you my whole directive so yeah sometimes ... and ...get this people actually care about you.” Vexx frowned now out of breath.

Alleyway 3

It had been a week since the previous fight. Y/N didn’t talk to him but he didn’t talk to Y/N. To be honest it was just killing both of them. Both Too awkward for anything other than side glances in the others direction..... and if one looked at the other at the same time they quickly moved thier head and pretended it was nothing. Simple. The trouble with the whole thing is that both ended up feeling just horribly guilty.

“I’m sorry.” They both tried to say before laughing

“Look I’m sorry I’ve been entitled I know I’m a bit privileged and stuck up.... it’s just the only time people have spoken to me how you do is usually right before my father announces he want me to entertain them as a possible suitor. Which spoils the whole thing ,because it ends up being fake. Interested in me for a position as a noble or to raise thier family status or to maintain ours... It’s stupid and annoying I’m sorry I didn’t realize you aren’t like that....” Y/N smiled.

“It’s ok and I’m sorry if I hurt you’re feelings but I meant what I said ... fuck the rules. There’s a passage right There nobody needs to know we’re gone. Pick a place.” Vexx thought.

“What if we get caught. If I prank my brother and ruin his commission portraits that’s one thing as I don’t leave the palace and it’s his personal thing not a relic..... but this .... I’ve seen people get in huge trouble for less.... if something happens to you because of my selfishness I...” Y/N explained.

“Disguises hmm... you do enough of those ridiculous fashion and tabloid magazines to know what a hat can do to change what people see you as... and lucky for you I have a nice kushy job working for the kings family so I can sometimes buy my friends a hat so where too?”Vexx chuckled.

“I’ve always wanted to try that cafe down the street with the themed cocoa.” Y/N smirked

“Done.” Vexx smiled

Before opening up the portrait alleyway in the wall

Alleyway 4 was an accident a close call in between Y/N entertaining another boring suitor and telling them everything Y/N disapproved of and a lecture from the king himself. Luckily Vexx opened the hallway passage just in time as the walls opened in closed again enough for Y/N to slip through.

“Ughhhh I don’t like any of them.” Y/N sunk against the wall down to the floor.

“Eventually he is going to do what he did to my eldest brother and force a proposal for an alliance” Y/N added

“Have you ever liked anyone?” Vexx inquired

“Once entirely by accident, but have I ever been in a real relationship not a staged one for tabloids or an arranged one for an alliance no....” Y/N frowned

“You deserve a real relationship Y/N not just something to please you’re parents or the press.... You deserve somebody who will cherish you I know what it’s like to be let down by people close to you or to want something you can’t have so badly.... I just think you deserve to have what you want especially when other people don’t get that privilege.” Vexx sat down next to Y/N

“What do you want that you can’t have.” The young royal questioned innocent and oblivious.

Unaware that to Vexx thier gaurd it May as well have been an interrogation by the heated all too familiar red color through out his face.

“It doesn’t matter I can’t have it.... I would be risking everything hell I’d be risking them.” Vexx ran his fingers through his hair in slight panic.

“Them?” Y/N frowned a bit not that they had intended it.

“Yeah.” Vexx replied “them.”

“You deserve happiness too Vexx.... you have helped me avoid arrangements that would have ignored my comfort and consent ...you allowed me to see outside for the first time from a citizens Perspective. You’ve allowed me freedom... you deserve the same. Fuck the rules right?” Y/N smiled melancholically.

“Yeah.....actually fuck the rules.” Vexx cuped his hands around Y/Ns cheeks and kissed them.

“Them ... you ....I ... Im sorry.” Vexx looked away.

“Fuck sorry.” Y/N kissed back.

____________________________________________

Alleyway 5

“Y/N... It’s just your brothers wedding it’ll be fine.” Vexx lied and knew he had lied.

He tried to tell himself he could turn back that they didn’t have to die he was leaving today for good... he had to....

The event was in a week and well Vexx wasn’t and couldn’t stay for it... he just lied to the Royal he was guarding hoping that in his last hours as Thier gaurd they would get smart or be less trusting or be more like the other royals in Thier family ... and less Like themselves.....

He memorized Thier face before leaving... or tried too. If Y/N was lucky maybe they’d get out before the wedding see something outside the palace see ... before everything. He always could go back he didn’t have to give up the passages or the plans. He didn’t have to.... but he did have to he would die if he didn’t do it was a question of himself or them.

He wasn’t about to die not for anyone. So he found an alleyway and left forever.

Alleyway 6

It was done... he had heard it from one of the holographic tabloid screens outside of town.... they were dead they all had died .... the plan worked.

Yay...

The bartender wasn’t enthused neither was anyone else the days leading up until the funeral days Vexx spent In drink in shithole taverns ...

Thier funeral the funeral of Y/N....

How could he do that? He ...? He killed them he wouldn’t see the gleam in thier eyes anymore. There would be no more of that stupid perfect melodious laugh. The worst part is for a royal Y/N believed in him as much as he “pretended” to believe in them.

He used to get a hug in the morning everyday without fail. Now he reminds himself when he wakes up that he left.. so he won’t be getting a hug. Now they are dead so no one will. Y/N also won’t sneak any of the guards the good food the royals are severed in buffet. There won’t be any more old high end clothing delivered to sick children from Y/N. No more interviews where they smiled and crinkled Thier nose cute..... it was all his fault he robbed the word of that.

So now he had to sober up and find himself at a funeral parade he didn’t exactly feel like attending at all.

It felt more like his funeral than even theirs....

He killed Y/N and was going to have the balls to go to Thier funeral.

Vexx wondered if thier ever was a worse sin than a killer going to the funeral of thier victim. Worse yet of thier ex that they killed. What sick irony made him feel he had too a fox mourning it’s last prey.

So when Vexx found himself disguised in the front of a crowd of mourners. Counting the sarcofigi until it got to theirs.....

1,the king

2, the kings wives

3, his children

One by one.

To say it was melancholic is an understatement. To watch as a gold and silver box lit with digital lights to accentuate what they looked like alive.

The awful thing about it was Vexx noted even though it was well carved it didn’t pick up a lot about Y/N. Things that couldn’t be depicted now not in paintings or statues. The final resemblance to Y/N didn’t capture them at all.

Too stoic

Vexx noted Y/N was too mischievous always with a plan or prank... just to take the others down a peg. Always in trouble but always laughing. They had a habit of putting their head back. The sarcophagus should have had Thier smirk at least...

But it didn’t ... he didn’t .... no one did.

He remembered suddenly he wasn’t just at the funeral for a friend or lover ..... he was at the funeral of the people he killed and suddenly the bodies just the sheer numbers made him feel more like the people carrying the satcophogi. He left the crowd to hide back in an alleyway..... with heavy shoulders the bottle from the bar and a reason to forget.... how many bodies and how many people had he taken from Thier loved ones how many just like Y/N with smiles and laughs. How many guards he had trained with.

It didn’t matter he just wanted to forget.

____________________________________

Alleyway 7

Vexx hated ghosts or at least the idea of them but in the crowded bar. On what must’ve been the shadiest planet ever he started hallucinating.

Y/N was dead

He had killed Y/N

He never deserved them they should have ran. If they stayed away from him he couldn’t have hurt them. Especially not for his selfish purposes.

Vexx weaved his way out of the bar with his latest drink in hand avoiding the once living and carefree royal now stoic ghost. When he walked far enough to understand it was just illusion he sighed.

That is until he heard the same eerily paced footsteps shambling against the desert floor.

Loosing his smart ass composure he dropped the remains of his glass.

Getting whoever or whatever was following him into a hold. Uttering some quick threat about how stupid it is to follow strangers into alleys he pressed a knife into the throat of whoever this was. Y/N is dead so it’s probably somebody copying Thier style it’s not entirely unlikely people didn’t want to dress like they did they were known for that.

“Who are you?” Vexx questioned through gritted teeth.

“Y/N.” They sounded unsure before Thier face contorted in pain.

“Prince(ss)?” Being the only word he could utter as they weren’t a ghost he felt them he touched them.... his skin felt the same unmistakable tickle of warmth where his hands met Thier neck.....

It was them very much alive and as much as he wanted to give in right here say sorry and cry about what he’d done .... he was about to do the opposite because maybe if Y/N thinks He hates them then Y/N won’t try to save him or follow him or redeem him

Vexx killed Thier family which made him not only dangerous but a monster and so upholding a broken vow made so long ago Vexx looked Y/N in the eyes and broke Thier heart one final time in hopes that he could protect them like he should’ve what now feels like a lifetime ago

[mydearsaddiary]

Speakeasy Tonight fanfic Neil Season 3 Chapter 9- First, do no harm

This is PART 2, here’s part 1: https://mydearsaddiary.tumblr.com/post/627009658293485568/little-curiosity-notes-hey-guys-were-on-chapter

Mostly me, Vince and Donovan fired and fought against the goons. I couldn’t see where Uncle Charlie was, but I could see Cliff and Julius punching some of Adler’s fellas.

In the chaos, I distanced myself from my peers and found myself facing Mayor Adler himself. He pointed his gun at me, and I reciprocated doing the same right back to him. Time was once more still. Weird the things you notice in these moments, sounds of the water played in my ears, the smell of the docks filled my senses. It was a place that was more dangerous than, anyone else who wasn’t part of the mean and crude underworld of the city, would imagine. Trades of alcohol were common, more than one gang fight had happened there. It created and decimated many competitors. Transportation really seemed like a façade.

Now, my future was about to be decided in the same place. In this unlikely face-off between a pregnant mob boss lady and the Mayor of Chicago, a strong tall man who was supposed to be the epitome of righteousness, but instead was worse than any vermin this city possessed

-Well, Miss Granger. Seems like we’re both where we both knew we would eventually end up. Right to killing each other- A sinister smile took over his face

-No. You didn’t know- I replied, glaring at him- You thought you could lock me away forever, and that I’d never escape. Your mistake- I took a few steps towards him- Was thinking I could be tamed easily.

-I never thought that- He said in an angry tone, uncontrolled. The usual smile on his face was gone along with his composure- You’ll learn along with the others that I always win, no matter what

-You’re wrong again- I said- Bailey, Louis, Vera, and now you. I’ll teach you what happens when you try to mess with me or my family.

He was about to pull the trigger, and then an even taller figure ran into him, tackling him to the ground. Both men were now engaged in a fight, trying to overpower one another.

-Neil!-I exclaimed. But soon realized I needed to finish this. I ran to them trying to grab his gun, but with them fighting it was hard.

Adler pushed me away, punched Neil on his nose making it bleed, and got his gun. He then got up, pointing it right at the Doc.

-Don’t you dare!-I pointed my gun at him from the floor- Back away!

It was surprising to me that I could feel Neil wasn’t scared. It made me wander why that was, but at the moment I was too preoccupied with saving his life

-That’s always been your weakness, hasn’t it? You made up a band of brothers in your speakeasy and now none of them are replaceable! I never have that problem

-That’s the truth, Adler. Hired guns means you lose one and another one can quickly take it’s place, no feelings involved- I gripped my revolver tighter- However, when things get tough, none of them will be there to protect you

He took a look around. All of his goons were either defeated or had fled. Vince and Donovan pointed their guns at him, and Cliff held his baseball bat. Julius was by Uncle Charlie, who himself looked stronger than I had ever seen him with a gun in his hand also aimed at the mayor.

-Time you backed away from my niece, Adler.

His expression turned darker. He turned his focus back to me- Oh, I hate you, Ice Box Flapper. I always win.

My heart sank. I knew in that moment that he was about to pull the trigger on Neil. He was the one that kept me going through every problem the Ice Box has ever encountered since I arrived. I suddenly remembered every single vivid detail of the time we spent together.

How rude and condescending Doc Dresner first was, how he took care of me when I fainted, how he slowly softened up his hard edge, let me into his dark and cynical world. How he was the first to say “I love you”.

The possibility of all that being gone with just a single movement from the mayor overtook me in a way that made me lose my mind. In that moment I knew I could shoot someone

So I pulled my trigger before he had a chance to pull his

Right in the middle of his eyebrows a dark circle formed and started to bleed down his nose. His blank expression was haunted, and his body fell backwards into the massive waters in the dock. It tainted it an angry, cursed red. Soon, he was gone as suddenly as he had appeared in our lives.

Until a few months ago I had never had a gun pointed at me before. A sheltered life like the one I possessed meant I was always looking for danger for my own pleasure. However, this was the kind of danger that gave you adrenaline and made you feel alive, but at the same time made you want to scream, pull all your head off and scream until you can’t anymore. The ambiguity of what I had just done created a fight in my mind. This was the first time I had ever seen someone die and I was the perpetrator.

A silence took over. I guessed nobody really knew how to feel or react. But thankfully it ended when I felt the soft touch of the Doc grabbing my arm. My head then turned and my eyes met his. The blue in them made me dizzy, swooned with love. The grace in this moment was amplified. I felt grief for my own innocence, disgusted and somewhat evil, like I’d lost myself. Looking into his eyes, however, I was found. I was loved and alive. I was as disturbed as I was happy to see him again.

-Are you alright?- He said in a whisper

-Yeah...-I said relieved- Yeah, I’m fine. How are you?

-He...-He ignored the question and his hand travelled slowly to my stomach- He’s...?

I nodded, leaning over to hug him tight- Im sorry- It was all I could say

-Never mind that now- He got up, helping me do the same

-Kiddo- Charlie came our way and embraced me. I hugged the old man back. How I had missed him- You alright?

-I’m copacetic! Grangers are tough!- I gave him a soft smile, then looked at all of them now around us

-Gave us a scare- Vince said. It put my heart at ease to see him alive

-Vince, I thought he killed you, what happened?

-He tried to- He shrugged- Two weeks in the hospital was all he got out of me. Besides, now I can let you know.

I smiled softly at him- Guess I should thank all of you for saving my life.

-Where the credit is due, you saved yourself and us along with it- Neil said

-Besides, don’t thank us, fix the three weeks worth of accounts and numbers at the Ice Box and we’re even

I laughed- Yes, I can’t imagine what a horror they must look, no offense, Unc

-Im just glad you’re fine, kid- He pointed at my stomach- Now, what’s this about?

Neil went pale- I’m taking full responsibility for it Charles.

-Well, you better.- He glared at him, but soon smiled- Well, with the wedding I guess it’s fine, we’ll just have to hurry it up a bit. Besides, I was waiting for some grandnephews!

-Besides, who would have thought?- Vince said- Neil’s gonna be a daddy!

-Back off, Moretti- He gave him his angriest expression- Let’s get out of here- Neil said- I’ll take MC to my infirmary and-

-What should we do about her?-Donovan pointed at a scared Vera- I thought she quit town

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about my temporary roomie-Turns out Adler was keeping her hostage, like he did to me- I walked over to Vera- Here’s what we’ll do. Donovan, say you investigated the mayor, found out Vera was being held against her will. You tried to arrest him but he ran away with his goons. Haven’t been seen since. That should discredit him in every way possible- I sighed- And save Vera’s reputation- I said that part less enthusiastically. It meant she’d still be around again to give us a headache

-Crazy mayor locks down own wife, not seen in Chicago, sound good, lassie. Might get me a promotion

-Then I’ll leave- Vera said- For good. I don’t ever want to see this town again

I looked at her surprised and smiled-Works fine by me, Vera- I went back to Neil’s side- I want a hot shower now!- I said stretching.-Hm...-I wandered a little- I need something to lift my spirits. Party at the Ice Box tonight!

In the back of my mind I tried to lock away the fact that I had just killed a man. I was free, Neil was alive, the Ice Box was safe and all was right in the world. I was letting myself celebrate.

_________

Turns out Neil took me to his infirmary after all. He had me laying down in a new fresh set of clothes. He examined the bump and myself in every way he could. It was sweet, but it was unsettling to see him this nervous

-Come here, Neil- I sat up calling him

-I just need to finish-

-Sit!-I pointed at the chair in front of me

He sighed, but obeyed my harsh tone, and then his eyes stared at me. I grabbed the wet cloth on the table, washing off the dried blood on his face

-You get hurt too, so I’m not the only one who needs to be cared for

-I’m not the one who went AWOL for weeks- I spent a few minutes cleaning his nose, and then he gently touched my hand- MC... When you didn’t come back that night I... Well, let’s just say I wasn’t in one of my best moments. And then I saw him pointing that gun at you today... I swore an oath to do no harm, but I was about to commit murder today if it was necessary.

I squeezed his hand- Well, you didn’t need to- I looked down- Because I did- Tears formed in my eyes. In front of him, it was so easy to open up my heart- I don’t regret it, but-

He held my face, getting closer- Hey... MC. You’re a real bearcat, you know that?

I chuckled- Tough as nails

-Nevertheless, you’re done now, alright? I can’t risk you, the both of you, anymore

-Okay, I mean, I can’t stop running the box, but I’ll take it easy on the evil rascals and guns and all that

-Yeah, well, I’ll be tougher on you this time

-Neil, I- I flinched, any will to fight him on that decision suddenly disappeared- Oh my God...- My eyes widened with surprise

-What?! What’s wrong?

I grabbed him hand, putting it back on my stomach- He’s kicking! Feel it, feel it?!

I took a little while but his expression softened, as much as Neil would let it soften-I feel it.

-Oh, there he goes again!

-I feel it too, right there- And back and forth we went. Nothing else mattered in that moment. He gave the unborn child one of his big smiles. In my heart I was scared he wouldn’t want it, or that he would lose his mind. But all I saw was concern mixed with happiness

In that instant, we had a silent agreement. We would forget all the mistakes of the past and focus on the future. With no words, we promised to be there to protect each other, to love and support one another and raise our baby as best as we could. We’d walk side by side...

... Until death do us part.

______

Thank you for reading this chapter! I’ll see you in the next and final chapter of my fanfic: Speakeasy Tonight Neil Season 3

Next Chapter: I do

[cat-brodsky]

The Secret History: Abridged (part 2)

Fair use disclaimer: The following text is intended as a parody and literary commentary of the published book “The Secret History” by Donna Tartt. Some direct quotations from the book, constituting a very low percentage of the original, have been integrated in the parodic text where appropriate. The author of this text neither profits nor intends to profit from it.

Dramatis personae

The farmer, brutally murdered by four rich kids on a drug trip

Richard Papen, the narrator, a slightly less starry-eyed youth slowly growing addicted to drugs

Julian Morrow, a Greek professor who doesn’t actually care about his students

Bunny Corcoran, killed on Easter, lying at the bottom of a ravine covered by snow

The Toffs minus one:

Henry Winter, increasingly exasperated as the Greek class spirals into self-destruction

Francis Abernathy, gay, neurotic, and slowly descending into alcoholism

Charles Macaulay, a full-blown drunken abuser

Camilla Macaulay, the token girl

Judy Poovey, the only character in the book with both brains and heart

The Corcorans, Bunny’s large family, grieving and “grieving” the loss of their son

Georges “I told you so” Laforgue

Cloke Rayburn, the friendly neighborhood drug dealer

William Hundy, the friendly neighborhood bigot

the greek chorus (played by a person in a floral bedsheet toga with two sockpuppets)

The Fans, seated in the front row of the audience

    Chapter 6, in which it snows on Easter

Richard: Just for the record, I don’t consider myself an evil person. What we did was terrible, but you know, none of us were exactly bad!

Richard: Anyway, that’s totally unfair. I thought murdering Bunny would be easy, but for some reason now I’m having nightmares and everybody is on edge and we’re scared the cops are onto us!

Judy: Want some Demerol?

Richard: Sure, nothing could go wrong with thaaa- oh wow I’m hiiigh.

Francis: ohgodI’m so damn nervous - oh, hi, Richard. Wanna f-

Charles: And I’m three sheets to the wind. Soused. Pished. Drunk.

Francis: Gimme some.

the greek chorus: and that’s gonna be a theme for the rest of the book

    The Toffs (minus one): We need to act normal. How do we act like normal people. We could say we were watching some of that new-fangled cinematography whilst the murder, I mean the accident, happened. Do we call the cops? Wait, uh, not yet...

Julian: My student has been absent for more than three classes in a row, should I be concerned? Haha, just kidding.

Cloke: Man, I don’t like this. You know Bunny’s always broke, but he’s been flush with cash lately. And he’s always wanted in on my... pharmaceutical business. You think he ran afoul of some real bad guys and got himself killed?

Henry: Oh, he just might have.

Cloke: Damn. Let’s go search his room before calling the cops.

Charles: He had a cut-out of the newspaper with the farmer murder! Oh well, good thing I managed to swipe it.

    The cops: He’s been missing for a week and nobody informed us? What’s wrong with you people?

Judy: Richard, have you heard about Bunny? I’m sure he’s alright, but... If you want to talk, or need anything, I’m here.

    The search for Bunny: begins

The reporters: present

William Hundy: Daymn right I saw ‘im! He was in a back seat of a white car, with some arab type folks. Now I ain’t saying they was terrorists, but you know them daymn arabs-

Henry: Who’d have thought people are going to make things up? And who’d have thought giving him money would look suspicious?

Francis (drunk): I’ve had to spend time with the Corcorans. How utterly terrible. One of the damn children running around ruined my favorite scarf. And they didn’t even notice - what’s more important, their dead son or my scarf? By the way, Richard, I am definitely not attracted to you.

Julian: One of my own students - missing? I would be sorry for his parents if they weren’t so... low-brow. But he's such a sweet boy, so silly; I'm really very fond of him. If anything should have happened to him I don't know if I could bear it. Goodness me, this is altogether so very exciting, so dramatic!

Henry, stars in his eyes: There’s divinity in the midst of us.

    The FBI agent: We found drug paraphernalia in Bunny’s room.

Mrs. Corcoran: How dare you!

Cloke: I want a lawyer.

Camilla: Did you know Henry had us kill a piglet after that accident with the farmer? Blood can only be washed off with blood, he said.

Richard: Haha, that’s so Henry.

the greek chorus: and then the body is finally found

    Chapter 7, in which everyone takes drugs

Everyone in Hampden college: mourns in a sufficiently dramatic way

Julian, writing a letter: Dear Richard, this is all too hard for me. I fear I have a case of the vapours and thus, I shall not return to Hampden until after the funeral. Who cares about the classes you’re taking with me, amirite?

The Toffs: stay with the Corcorans in preparing for Bunny’s funeral

Mr. Corcoran: my son... oh god my son is dead ...you boys want a brewsky?

Mrs. Corcoran: And those flower arrangements we were sent are atrocious. Simply shameful.

Francis: What do you mean we have to sleep in the basement? That’s just wretched.

Richard: This funeral is so inconvenient. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this. And the food they serve us is terrible.

Henry: And the garden is so ugly.

Camilla: I can’t take it. Let’s steal some drugs from the Corcorans.

Cloke: Lemme show you where the missus keeps the good stuff.

Francis and Henry (drunk): Gimme some.

Charles, Cloke et al: get stoned the morning of the burial

Richard: Bunny’s grave is just terrible to look at. Oh, I cannot even.

    the greek chorus: farmer who?

    Chapter 8, in which it all goes to hell

Julian: Henry is such a sensitive young man. I fear this is hard on him. And Edmund and him were so very close. But why did he have to read such a... modern poem at the wake? I would have suggested something from Phaedo.

Richard: Time for more drugs

Charles: Time for more whiskey

Francis: Time for a shopping trip!

Francis was always generous with his clothes. He gave Charles and me his old suits by the armload. I still wear a lot of those suits: Sulka, Aquascutum, Gieves & Hawkes.

the greek chorus: no comment

    Henry: is gardening

Francis: gets diagnosed with an anxiety disorder

Charles: crashes his car driving drunk

Charles: makes out with Camilla in full view of Richard

Francis: Yep, they're doing it. Haven’t you noticed? Him and I slept together once or twice too, big deal. Hell, Richard, if you drank as much as he did, we would have screwed too.

Richard: ...Jesus. And I’m stuck with these people until I graduate.

    Charles: falls asleep outside while drunk

Richard: Well, he has a fever of 103 Fahrenheit, which, going by my premed education means uh... Judy, what do we do?

Judy: Go to the hospital, of course! Wait, take my car. I’ll give you the keys.

Julian: So young Charles is in the hospital? Dearie me, you all must be grieving for Edmund. Though, is death really so terrible a thing? It seems terrible to you, because you are young, but who is to say he is not better off now than you are?

    Francis: Oh, and I think Camilla and Henry have been sleeping together. And she moved out of Charles’ place. I think they had an argument.

Richard: Well, I’m not taking sides, but this is a really bad time. You should go see him.

Camilla: ...Charles was physically abusing me. I’m afraid of him. And I can’t stay at Francis’ place, because he’d fold like a wet tissue.

Richard: So is that it? You're protecting your own interests?

the greek chorus: DID YOU JUST-

Richard: What if Charles goes to the cops?

Camilla: He’d never do that. And Henry is looking out for him.

Richard: Sure, that’s why Henry’s been sending him whiskey.

    Richard: Time for more drugs. I’m on soooo many drugs. Did... did Henry plan it all out? He... he totally planned it out.

Henry: is gardening

Henry: For my entire life, I’ve been dead inside... but everything changed the night I killed that man.

the greek chorus: finally someone remembers the farmer

Henry: You don’t care much about other people, do you, Richard?

    Julian: A most terrible thing has happened. A letter, purportedly from the late Edmund, has been delivered to my office - filled with profanity and wild accusations and references to some... murder. A forgery, of course. It saddens me greatly that someone would do that. I wonder who...

The Toffs: oh no

Julian: Why, by Jove, this is the letterhead of the hotel where Edmund and Henry stayed on winter break!

Henry: ...I can explain. You see, during that bacchanal you sanctioned, we went a little wild and wound up recreating The Bacchae - it wouldn’t be authentic without a little killing, right? It was just an accident, we didn’t want to bother you. But then Edmund found out, and he, well... overreacted. He was having some personal problems, you know, family problems... Professor, you said it yourself - we must do what is necessary! Really, it was a mercy killing.

Julian:

Julian: ...why, that's terribly interesting. Anyway, I have just been urgently called away from the university. Istran royal family, you understand.

Henry: But-

Richard: But-

Julian: Gotta leave now, toodaloo!

Henry and Richard: ...son of a-

    Richard: You know, in hindsight, Julian is kind of a huge prick. I even wrote down that his inability to see anything in true light was his most attractive quality. Turns out he used his students to boost his ego like some sorta cult leader.

Richard: And you know what’s messed up? I still admire him.

Dean of Studies: Cozy place Julian’s got here, doesn’t he? Well, now that he’s done a bunk - three weeks before final exams - I regret to inform you that you guys will have to switch your majors or something. I doubt the school will keep teaching Greek.

Dean of Studies: After all, there was so little interest in the subject that Julian only had six students, right?

The Toffs: ...SON OF A-

    Francis: Charles has gone off the deep end. We’ve gotta take him out to the country, let him keep drinking there.

Charles: Henry’s trying to kill me.

Henry: Am not.

Charles: Are too!

Henry: We need to get him into rehab or something-

Charles: walks in with a gun

Henry: Never mind.

Charles starts shooting; Henry wrestles the gun from him.

Richard: Oh no. I’ve been shot.

Henry: I’m so done with y’all. Why do y’all have to be so incompetent? Can’t a man commit a murder in peace? And worse, Julian has up and fled! I loved him! I believed him! Duty, piety, loyalty, sacrifice my ass! I’m outta here.

Henry shoots himself.

the greek chorus: he lived like a Roman and died like a Roman - from lead poisoning.

Camilla, Charles, and Francis exit stage left

Richard: ...Uh, I’ve been shot? Hello? Anyone?

The Hippie enters stage right. Together with the greek chorus, they start carrying Richard off-stage.

The Hippie: It’s all a metaphor, man. Henry has a limp, from the car accident, right? Well, he’s Satan and he’s here to ruin lives. Julian gets off scot-free, but it doesn’t matter cause his soul is damned, man! That Donna chick is Catholic, right? That’s why Bunny was going on about sin and forgiveness - cause he knew what up and he has a chance in purgatory, man, but the others are Pagans so they don’t. Deep, man.

the greek chorus: man, you’re high like a kite.

    The Epilogue, in which nobody is happy

Richard: Yeah, well... Everyone except me dropped out. Turns out that our group was only really held together by Julian’s cult-like teaching and Henry’s blind devotion. And that once we couldn’t pretend to be better than everybody else, we stopped wanting to see each other. Or it might have been the two murders, who knows.

    Francis, in the hospital after a suicide attempt: So, my grandfather found me with Kim, a nice young lawyer, balls deep in me, and threatened to disinherit me-

Richard: That old homophobe!

Francis: Oh, no, that's cause Kim is Korean. Anyway uh this is my beard - my dear Pricsilla whom I'm gonna have to marry.

Richard: Or you could actually... work for a living.

Francis: That’s inconceivable. I mean, you work, but you are used to menial labor.

    Richard: So... what does Charles do these days?

Camilla: He drinks.

Richard: Good old Charles. Anyway, Camilla, will you marry me?

Camilla: Not a chance.

    Richard: Oh well. At least I got Henry’s brand new car out of this whole mess. That’s a net gain if you ask me.

    the greek chorus, narrating: “As a writer I’m giving the reader signs to help create the story with me. The reader is bringing his or her own memories, intelligence, preconceptions, prejudices, likes, dislikes. So the characters in your copy of the book are going to look and sound different than in mine. I have my own ideas, but once the book is out there it’s not really mine anymore, and my own idea isn’t any more valid than yours.” Donna Tartt, 2019.

The Fans rush onstage.

Fan 1: Henry did nothing wrong!

Fan 2: Who wants to have a bacchanal?

Fan 3: omg look at my character moodboards

Fan 4: What if we kissed over a copy of the secret history

Fan 5: dark acadamia(sic!) aesthetic

Fan 6: Donna Tartt died for our sins

    the greek chorus:

the greek chorus: FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

    Curtains.

[probably-writing-x]

Tougher than this.

Guzmán x Ander

Request by @lovexfanx : They’re both in The Military and that tough times mentally and emotionally made them realize their true feelings towards each other. They always thought they’re just friends but being put through a hard time like that together they realize they’ve always been in love ❤️

Gif is not my own

Requests are open🤍

The wind came swooping in to give them another threatening blow as the rain hammered down like mockery around the group. They’d lost count of the time they’d been out here, lost hope of ever reaching the last circuit of training. That’s all it had been today. You run, you stop and do the weight training, and you run some more. All in a relentless effort to make soldiers out of school kids.

“You think the weather goes easy on you out there?” The sergeant yells as the group reach the training field once again.

They’re all breathless, drained, some seemingly half-lifeless.

“I need fight, heart, strength from each and every one of you. And if you don’t believe you can give me those qualities,” The sergeant explains as he paces up and down the wooden stage, “You hand in your number and you get off my team - is that understood?”

The group all collectively respond before they’re finally told to go inside. Nobody lets out any level of exposing their relief. Everyone keeps their shoulders high, their chins up and their composure maintained as they walk back to the compound to shower.

Guzmán glances around at the team and looks at a few faces that he’d picked up on distinctly over the past few weeks. One girl had it in her to tear apart all of the people here, she seemingly had no compassion or empathy and she’d made that continuously clear. Another boy had cried every night for the first week that he’d been there and hadn’t managed to speak to many of the team at all. Guzmán was lucky that he had Ander. The two boys that had stuck by each other through school and now through this. Only this threw more at them than Las Encinas ever could. Losing Polo had changed the two of them beyond repair so, when the opportunity arose to join the military, they’d grasped the chance like it was the only hope they had left. That, and each other.

Ander had been far from his normal self recently as he’d begun to distance from everyone around him, becoming quieter and slowly but surely building himself into more and more of a reserved soldier. Guzmán was worried about him. That boy had been through enough, he feared what went on in his head as soon as he had the time alone.

“Ander!” Guzmán calls as he sees his friend walking into the showers before him.

Ander glances over and nods his head a little to acknowledge Guzmán. No words.

“You okay man?” Guzmán asks, “I know it was tiring out there today but you looked like you were in good shape.”

“I’m good,” Ander nods, “I’ll catch you later.”

With that, he grabs his things and goes to one of the vacant showers. Guzmán stands there hopelessly for a while before turning back and following to do the same.

Something wasn’t right about Ander and it killed him to think that he couldn’t do anything to help. That would be worse than anything this regime could throw at him - losing his best friend.

- - - - - -

The next morning, Ander is up and out running before sunrise. He gets in a quick 10km before any of the other students are up. He needed that. He needed to know that he was putting in the effort beyond what that sergeant told him.

Speaking of...

“Mr Muñoz!” It’s one of the generals, though he couldn’t remember her name, “Were you told to be out this early?”

Ander slows down to a stop and stands to attention, “No ma’am.”

She looks him up and down, “Any reason why you’re out before the sun then?”

“Just couldn’t sleep ma’am,” Ander is bashful for being a soldier, they’d all noticed how much he introverted himself around the group - only really ever speaking to Guzmán, who was much more of the extrovert.

“Why are you here, Muñoz?” She pries, “At ease.”

He relaxes his stance and lets his eyes fall to the floor, “I wanted a way to prove myself. I’ve been weak for this past year, I lost somebody I cared about and I became a different person.”

“And do you believe you can prove yourself?” She questions, “You’ll become weak if you find yourself dwelling on your past.”

He doesn’t respond. It was true. Losing Polo was a wake up call, as well as him almost losing his own life.

“Get yourself some rest, recruit. No good soldier is built on self-depreciating methods.”

Ander follows her suggestion and heads back into the dorms. He slept on the bunk below Guzman’s and always managed to zone in on the soft snores from above him instead of the noise from everywhere else. It was like that one piece of home he kept with him. Up until recently, he’d been happy to keep that home with him. But now, things were different. And the thought of getting Guzmán wrapped up in all of that felt like the worst mistake he could make. So, he lays back on his bunk and instead tunes into the noises of the room around him, focusing on anything he could that didn’t include the boy just a few feet above.

- - - - - -

Guzmán notices more and more the little changes in Ander. Like how he’d been making his bed in the morning instead of waiting until Guzmán was up so that he could steal one of his pillows to sleep with one extra. Or how he’d been eating in the communal cafeteria instead of waiting for Guzmán and suggesting that they eat outside together. He hadn’t called home to his Mum at all, and he’d not been taking any opportunity when they had time to rest. He was keeping himself as focused as possible.

Today, he couldn’t do it anymore. He wanted to know where his best friend had gone.

“Ander!” He calls him before Ander can have the chance to leave the locker room.

They’d been getting ready for a formal dinner tonight and Ander had been silent in the corner for the entire time they were getting changed.

“I’ll catch up with you later,” Guzmán comments to the girl beside him, someone he’d been spending more time with since Ander had distanced.

She nods and walks out with the rest of the group - leaving only Ander and Guzmán.

“What’s going on with you man?” Guzmán sighs, “We’re supposed to talk to each other about this sort of stuff now.”

“I’m fine Guzmán, I told you I am,” He shrugs, “Just tired from all this training.”

“No, no, no, you’ve been tired from waking up two hours earlier and going for a run before training even starts. Or going to the gym when we’re supposed to be having a break, from not finishing your meals,” Guzmán lists, “It’s nothing to do with normal training.”

“I’m trying my fucking best Guzmán!”

It’s the most emotion he’s heard from him in a long time.

“I’m trying my best and I’m still not doing as well as I should be. I’m not as good as you, or as half of the group out there,” He gestures aimlessly in the direction of the door, “I’m doing everything I can!”

His bottom lip quivers as his body lets out an involuntary sob and he falls forward onto Guzmán. Guzmán stumbles but holds him there like he’s looking at someone completely different to the boy he’d came here with.

“I can’t afford to be weak Guzmán.”

Guzmán pushes him away and holds Anders head in his hands, “Dont say that. You’re not weak. You’ve proven that.”

“I don’t just mean pulling myself up a fucking rope or carrying a barrel on my back,” Ander pushes Guzman’s hands away and takes a stumbling step backwards, “I can’t afford to have any weakness.”

“What weakness have you got? We’re all young, we’re all struggling we-“

“Im talking about you!” Ander raises his voice and it makes the room fall flat around them - silence surrounding the two boys.

“Me?” Guzman’s voice cracks.

“You’re the one piece of home I have here, and yeah, it didn’t feel any different than us being friends with anyone else here. We’d be there to support each other. But that’s not what it is anymore,” Ander shakes his head repeatedly, “I can’t see you like that anymore and that’s a problem. I can’t afford to-“

Guzmán steps forward and cups Anders face again, scanning his face until their eyes meet, “What are you saying man?”

Ander swallows the lump in his throat, “I can’t afford to lose another person I love.”

“You’re not losing me Ander. Ever.”

“How can you be sure of that? Look at where we are! Look at where we’re going to be after this! You think we have space in all of that for each other? For us to not just think of each other as someone to go to war with?”

Guzmán takes in a deep breath, “I’m not saying it’s easy, and I’m not saying we can be sure of anything. But if losing Polo taught me anything, its that there’s never a good enough reason to not tell someone how you feel. I should’ve told him I forgave him long before that night. And, for you, I don’t want to tell you how I feel when it’s too late. So if that makes us weak, then so be it. But I’d rather be weak than alone.”

Ander grabs Guzmán and pulls him to him, arms wrapping around the boy as the two of them hug each other like they were falling apart under each other’s grip.

“So what if that makes us weak?” Guzmán whispers, pressing a soft, cautious kiss to the tip of Anders nose, “I love you Ander, that’s all that matters.”

[my-happy-little-bean]

Golden Slumbers - Chapter 20

[Previous Chapter]

Chapter 20: Yellow Roses

pairings: logan/patton (logicality), roman/virgil (prinxiety) words: 2787 warnings: alcohol, sad vibes, maybe swearing; with solemn, you never know (bean edit: there is no swearing! such wonders is this!) summary: logan fray has been running his flower shop, aster’s, for about three years now. he hasn’t run into too much trouble yet—other than the occasional presence of his friend, roman prince, who runs a broadway-themed café across the street—and his life had been relatively quiet for quite some time now. that is, until patton sanders opens up a gift shop next door that prides itself in pun-filled cards. that’s when logan’s life gets a bit…louder.

a/n- did you know that roman has a cat named dinah? she was mentioned in chapter 9, did you know that?

we back, bby. 

thanks to @solemn-writing-vow​! writing with you again has been an absolute pleasure. god, we should do this more often. 

tag list ✨ – @virgiltheanxious, @pinkeasteregg​, @toomuchstuffnotenoughcreativity, @the-anti-virgil, @ace-v-p-d, @minnie-sparkle, @too-precious-to-process, @freepaperie081, @whatwashernameagain, @adoratato, @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2, @softprxnce, @migraine-marathon, @alana-of-the-cartwrights, @emo-sanders-sides-loving-unicorn, @thepusheenqueen, @at-least-seven-pretty-potatoes, @hanramz-the-fander, @atomicengineerdetective, @anony-phangirl, @keeshy-ekho, @samwantstobereal, @potatogirl309, @wentzdayz, @incrediblymanlytears, @generalfandom, @paradoxicalpatton, @poisonedapples :), @michealawithana, @pasteliosis, @microsoft-nerd, @theinsanem, @blinded-by-nobody, @taylorharmonies, @axyzel​, @29-cupsofyogurt, @grey-lysander​, @russian-radiation-station​, @razberrypuck​, @leafyhill910​, @a-lexicon-of-words​, @uh-r00d​, @definenormalifyoucan​, @yeet-me-dad​, @misslilidelaney​, @corruptedicon​, @patton-loves-coloring​, @bubblycricket​, @i-am-not-a-feeling, @froggyfun27​, @penguins-in-turquoise-scarves​, @insanityandimperfection​, @spacenerrrd​, @hissesssss​, @pattongirl​, @your-username-is-unavailable​, @midknight-mania​, @wandering-wondering-aimlessly, @crofters-junkie, @hi-disappointed-im-daughter​, @peanut0303​, @applecannibal​, @fandoms-winkitywonk​, @illiani​, @teenageengineerobservation, @koalaaquabear​, @aceofhearts567​, @davidthetraveler​

((disclaimer: my tag system is a Mess™️ so if ur url is here and it shouldn’t be/you don’t want it to be, or if you want to be on the tag list and ur not on it, pls send me an ask !! thank u ^-^))

read on AO3 if you’d like ^-^

-------------------

“yellow roses = associated with the sun and its life-giving warmth; friendship” 

~*~ 

‘It’s quiet. It’s too quiet. 

Say something. 

It’s quiet, and it’s dark,

and you’re alone, and–’

“Here we are!” Roman announced, flicking on the light switch with his elbow, turning around, and peering over the box he was holding. His bright smile snapped Patton out of his thoughts. “Welcome to my kingdom!” 

Logan rolled his eyes. “Where can we situate ourselves?”

“Dinah’s probably sleeping in my room, so boxes can go in the guest room, Buzzed Light-kill,” Roman huffed. He looked over at Virgil and smiled. “You want to help Logan, mi amor? I would do it myself, but–” 

“Boxes would snap your noodle arms,” Virgil said smugly. He nodded, grabbing the box out of Roman’s arms. “I’ll take care of it.” 

Roman placed a hand on his chest dramatically, his mouth falling into a little ‘o’. “My arms are not noodles! I just– have other important things to do…” He finished lamely as Virgil and Logan made their way to the guest room. ‘Oh well. Mission Failed. We’ll get ‘em next time. Back to the most important issue’. 

Roman turned around and smiled kindly at Patton.

“Let’s embark on a grand adventure to the kitchen, shall we?” Roman extended his hand, sweeping into a low bow. “Fulfill our quest for that hot chocolate?”

‘Say something.’ Patton swallowed down a lump in his throat as he stared at Roman’s hand.

“Sure.” Even his own voice sounded small. Weak. He decided it’d be best to not say anything else. He tried not to notice the fall in Roman’s smile. Now you’ve disappointed him. Made him worry about you. Idiot!

“Fantastic!” Roman said, almost without missing a beat. He straightened himself up once more and took Patton’s hand. And Patton did not flinch, no he did not. “Let’s be on our merry way!”

“Please be careful, will you?” Logan’s voice sounded as if it were miles behind them now. It also sounded sad. 

“To infinity and beyond!” Roman exclaimed instead, skipping to the kitchen and dragging Patton beside him. 

“Why won’t you smile, Patty dearest?”

Patton didn’t know why.

-------------------

The hot chocolate grew cold on the counter. 

“I’m not sure standing here is going to help,” Logan offered, rather unhelpfully if Roman could say anything about it. “Are you going to give it to him or not?”

“I will, calm yourself,” Roman muttered, his tapping on the counter speeding up. (He was tapping in 5/4 time, what has he become?)

Logan looked over at Virgil, who was peering through the kitchen window that gave a view into the living room. Following his gaze, he noticed Patton was still sitting on the couch Roman had left him on, staring wordlessly at The Tigger Movie on the TV. He peered back at the hot chocolate. “It’s gone rather cold, too.”

“I just don’t know what to do.” Roman continued to tap his finger on the counter, pointedly ignoring Logan at this point, since he’s hardly getting to the point. Out of principle.  

“He’s never not bounced to ‘Round My Family Tree’ before,” Virgil noted, continuing to stare at Patton with a certain kind of astonishment. Logan sighed. 

“Well one of us is going to have to do something,” Logan stated. “We can’t just leave him there alone for a lengthened period of time.” A pause. More quietly, Logan adds, “He’s done that enough.”

Roman glared at him. The tapping intensified. “I’m doing everything I can, Logan.”

“He’s just...staring at it.” Virgil spoke even quieter now.

“We can’t just continue to do nothing,” Logan pointed out once more. “Someone needs to talk to him.”

“Why don’t you do it, Pointdexter?” Roman hissed. “He clearly won’t want to talk to any of us. I’m sure you can Fix-it...Felix.” 

Logan looked at him incredulously. “Pardon?”

“Junior,” Virgil quipped lightly. A beat of silence before the joke finally registered, by the look of faint disgust on Logan’s face.

“Ah, I see.” Logan pushed up his glasses. “I suppose I was mistaken beforehand. Someone needs to talk to him other than Roman.”

“I’m trying to help!” Roman protested. “I started the conversation, I made him hot chocolate–”

“That you haven’t given him,” Logan interrupted.

“I put on some Disney," Roman soldiered on, ignoring Logan’s point. “Like, come on! This is the formula to a happy-pappy Patton!”

“Guys,” Virgil finally said, a bit more firmly this time. He spun around on his heel and faced Logan and Roman, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Look, how about Logan, you just bring the hot chocolate to the kitchen and sit with Patton until we’re there. You don’t have to talk to him, at least just watch the movie with him. Okay?”

Logan looked over at Patton, who was now hugging a pillow to his chest with the same, blank stare at the TV. He sighed, but nodded anyway, grabbing the hot chocolate and making his way to the living room. 

When he was gone, Roman glared at Virgil. 

“What gives?” he hissed quietly. “You told me I was doing great! This is me...doing great!” 

“Yeah, at a distraction,” Virgil said, nervously looking over at the living room as he watched Logan take a seat beside Patton. He shook his head. “Though I’m starting to think we’re running out of distractions.”

“No doi!” Roman said, almost exasperated. “That’s the issue, Christopher Rob-him...of…” A pause. Roman scrunched his face up in frustration. “Look, all my brain power is going towards solutions,” Roman rambled. “Don’t give me problems, give me solutions, Christopher Rob-him-of-solutions! Him being...him being– being me!” He pointed wildly at Virgil and triumphantly blurted out, “A-ha!” 

Silence. Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Wow.” Virgil shook his head. “My point is that…” He took a deep breath. “I’m starting to think that maybe distracting him so that he can be temporarily happy isn’t what he needs right now.” 

“I don’t want to see him sad either!” Roman protested. 

“Well, none of us do,” Virgil shot back. “But maybe we need to push that aside for him. He needs to be sad; the one thing we can give him right now is some company to be...sad in.”

Roman said nothing. Virgil sighed, looking over at Patton, who was now crying into Logan’s shoulder. The movie had been long forgotten. 

“It’s hard seeing him like this,” Virgil said quietly. “It’s harder knowing that he was hurting. I was standing right in front of the person who hurt him and I did nothing.”

Roman’s face softened. “There was nothing else you can do, mi pequeño rayo. You said what you wanted to say.”

“Not everything,” Virgil muttered. “There was loads I could’ve said. Maybe more I could’ve done there too.” He averted his glance from Roman. “I wanted nothing more than to rip her to shreds for ever making Patton feel like...like this.”

Roman took a step closer to Virgil. “I know.”

“He doesn’t deserve it.” Virgil’s voice trembled. “It’s a horrible feeling– to know you’ve done so much to make something work. Realizing that what you’ve had for so long wasn’t even love to begin with– it’s a horrible, horrible feeling.”

“I know.” The words slip out before Roman could stop it. Virgil looked at him with wide eyes and Roman blinked. 

What was he doing? Roman’s thoughts raced. He needed to be whatever they need right now; why was he not doing that? 

He needed to be their hero.

Not this.  Not now.

Roman tugged at the hem of his sleeve. 

“Maybe you’re right,” Roman finally said. He straightened. “He needs not to be saved — but supported.” He smiled. “I can do that.”

Virgil frowned. “We can do that. Okay?”

Silence. 

“Of course, love,” Roman stated simply.

And with that, Roman tapped Virgil’s cheek softly before heading to the living room to accompany Patton. Virgil watched him as he left.

He couldn’t help but stare at Roman’s arm, the scene of him tugging down at his sleeve lingering in his head.

“I know.”

Virgil bit the inside of his lip. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling.

-------------------

When Logan sat down beside Patton, all Patton could hear in his head was “say something.”

“I, um–” Logan cleared his throat, presenting Patton with a soft blue, tartan patterned mug with angel wings on it. “Roman made you hot chocolate. Marshmallows and all.” He frowned. “Though I am afraid it is rather cold now. And the marshmallows have melted.” 

A pause, before Logan promptly offered a small smile, holding the cup a little more towards Patton, who just stared at it. 

“Why can’t you grateful for once?!”

“Thanks,” he said softly, taking the cup and holding it on his lap. Logan nodded, and the two fell into silence once more. Patton watched as Logan took a glance at the TV. ‘Fill the silence, fool!’

“I simply do not understand the premise of this movie,” Logan finally said, clearing his throat. Patton could see the haze of orange and black reflected onto his glasses. “Why are all the characters wearing those...costumes? I am almost certain that Winnie the Pooh does not look like that.”

Patton forced a quiet laugh. 

“They’re trying to make Tigger happy,” he responded softly. He tried to ignore the way Logan looked back at him (stupid, stupid, stupid) and instead fixed his stare on the movie.

“Patton,” he heard Logan say quietly. “I– we are here for you. You are...you are aware of that, yes?”

Patton felt numb at the words. He shouldn’t need to be taken care of. 

“I don’t know how I never...how I never saw it, you know?” Patton’s voice barely broke above a whisper. He can’t help but laugh, despite it sounding so broken. “I’m a bit silly, aren’t I?” 

“Patton,” Logan said, almost sternly. He placed a hand on his knee, and Patton tensed up at the sudden contact. “You are not at fault for this.”

Patton said nothing.

“Now, you’re not going to cry, are you, Patty?”

“It doesn’t really matter.” He bit his lip. “It doesn’t matter anymore because– because it’s over, isn’t it?”

“Pat…”

“I messed everything up, even if– even if you think I didn’t.” Logan’s heart broke at Patton’s feeble attempts of breaking into some kind of an optimistic smile. “And now I lost...well, everything.”

“Falsehood. We have at least four boxes full of your things. Furthermore–” Logan added gently– “you are here.” Safe.

“Doesn’t make me any less lost,” Patton replied, his voice breaking. He swallowed down a sob when Logan didn’t respond. 

“Lo,” he murmured, his voice suddenly smaller. 

“Yes, Patton?”

A pause.

“What if that was it?” Patton finally asked. Before Logan could cut in, Patton continued. “What if she was all I had?” He looked at Logan with wide, teary eyes. “What if she was my soulmate?”

Logan frowned. Silence filled the room for a few seconds as Patton’s question lingered in the air.

“Patton,” Logan decided to say, “I am not in the business of believing that such errant frivolities such as soulmates exist.”

Patton bit back a sob. 

“So I’m alone.” He broke into a laugh; this one more strained than before. “I’m sorry, Logan. I just...I don’t think that helps. Not now, at least.”

“No, the intention of my statement was not to make you...upset.” Logan cleared his throat. “It is a mere belief of mine, I think.” He took a deep breath. “I do not believe soulmates exist because it is preposterous to believe that there is one person for everyone. There are simply just...the right people. That is why people are able to be happy, alone or with significant others — their existences are not dependent on another being, nor are they incomplete until they find that person.”

He sighed. “There are just the right people, Patton; people who improve you and allow themselves to grow alongside you.” Patton averted his glance from him and Logan added, more hesitantly, “The universe is too intelligent as to not have another plan for you. It is…ineffable.”

Silence.

“Thank you, Logan,” Patton said his voice numb; “but you are wrong.”

Logan found himself speechless. Patton continue to force his stare away from Logan in the hopes of hiding the tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Y-You’re wrong,” he said again, “because I couldn’t change.”

“Patton–” Logan sputtered out.

“It’s true, okay?” Patton felt himself shake at every word. “I couldn’t change– who’s to say I could change for anyone else? Who’s to say that I’ll be able to change for the right person too?” Pathetic, you’re being pathetic, stop stop stop stop. 

“Patton–”

“God, where am I even going to go?” 

“I’m not wrong.” Logan huffed. “You’ll stay with…me, I suppose. If you’re amenable– ah, willing.” 

“And then what?” Patton cried, exasperated. Logan’s mouth snapped closed. “Logan, what if I wait and wait and wait and then realize too late that she was my last chance?”

Patton bit his lip, tears blurring his vision. 

“I-I’m just so scared.” He can’t stop the sob from escaping. “Logan, what if I can’t live without her?”

And that was the breaking point. 

Logan’s body structure tensed, yet his walls crumbled; as Patton collapsed onto his shoulder and began to cry. He could feel the tears stain his shirt and it took all of his will power not to cry with him. 

He instead took Patton’s wrist and felt for his pulse, making an affirming noise. 

“As I thought.” Patton looked up at him, sniffling. 

“What?” 

“Place your hand over your heart.” 

“Why?” Logan sighed at Patton’s blank stare.

“Just do it.” 

Patton slowly did as Logan said.“What…” He looked confused. Logan looked at him softly. 

“Do you feel your heartbeat? It’s steady.”

“I don’t understand–” 

“You’re living,” Logan interrupted. “You are alive, and she’s not here.” Patton sniffled a bit, letting out a strangled half-laugh. Logan’s heart fluttered with the small victory. 

“It’s not the same, really. But thanks.” Patton said softly, leaning back against Logan.

Logan’s mind raced for how to respond or if it would be too much, but was saved by Roman resting his head against Patton, wrapping him into a hug. Virgil soon came to sit beside Roman, reaching to hold Patton’s hand.

No one said anything as the movie faded out of their attention. 

And it was quiet.

-------------------

The morning came and went without any of them noticing it. Logan—who just watched as the little group that surrounded Patton drifted off to sleep as the night passed him—came to terms with the fact that he would just not be going to work. He could afford one day, after all. 

He took the liberty of texting Thomas on Roman’s phone that Roman would not be at work; and every now and then Dinah would make her way into the living room, jumping onto the space beside Logan. She was a gorgeous cat, Logan noted — though by the looks of how Patton’s sniffles turned into sneezes in his sleep, she probably couldn’t stay for that long. 

As he continued his mindless thoughts, a dull headache beginning to build up—‘Never again, I’m never drinking again’—he felt his phone buzz twice beside him. 

Careful not to wake anyone up, he slowly reached over for his phone and pulled it towards him. Without really looking at the sender, he slid open the first new message.

From: Jen | 7:01 am

Hey, sorry for how long this took. But good news! Turns out ur still smart as heck and the flower TOTALLY WORKED. Obviously not magic, but still pretty close! :D :D Let’s grab some coffee soon and talk, nerd <3

Logan smiled half-heartedly on the screen. He had forgotten to update Jen about the state of his little ‘project’ and wasted her time, god, why does he just do everything wrong?. 

Beside him, he suddenly heard the faint sound of Patton’s steady breathing, turning to see Roman’s head slowly drop against his chest. Virgil’s hand was still tightly locked around Patton’s. 

And Patton was quiet.  And Patton looked...at peace. 

If there is anyone who is smart, he typed back, it would be you. It is a complete wonder that you figured it out, and I look forward to meeting with you for said coffee in order to learn your method of how you did so. What day works for you?

He pressed send without thinking about it too hard; it’s time, after all, to change.

And as the golden sun poured through Roman’s curtains, a new thought filled Logan’s mind

as he drifted off to sleep.

You’re going to have to read the other text eventually, you know.

-------------------

a/n- reblogs, likes, whatever — i love ‘em all! thank you for reading, mes amies; hope u enjoyed it <33

[Next chapter]

[blookmallow]

hhhoooooughh got in too deep with the dark brotherhood and things got fuckin wild 

sometimes you set out with good intentions and intend to be a good person but then you end up becoming a serial killer and (probably) the most wanted assassin in all of skyrim. sometimes it be like that 

SO much happened.... part 1: an assassination plot gets worse, and The Cicero Incident 

---

oh. oh dear 

this is so horrible and ive gone too far into this questline to back out now lmao what have i done to myself 

I GUESS I’M GONNA GO RUIN A WEDDING 

i have... passing familiarity with vittoria but i dont Really know her/have an opinion on her, though i suppose that’s. uh. not the point here 

i love this kid 

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

it took me a couple tries to do this without getting caught (im very determined to keep up my reputation/avoid having a bounty out on me for as long as i possibly can) but i finally managed it (careful sneaking around/hiding behind columns/etc in the parapet where gabriella left arrows and stuff for me) 

and since nobody saw me do it, i was able to just. walk right into the middle of the chaos. talk to anyone i wanted. take my fuckin time strolling right out 

veezara still showed up to protect me and killed a penitus occulatus agent for some reason (could be that he was the only one who saw me and veezara killed the only witness for me, in which case, owe u one, buddy) but like. that was it 

i can just. take th

THIS IS HORRIBLE LMAO I JUST STOLE ALL THE BRIDE’S WEDDING CLOTHES AND CAN JUST LIKE. WALK AROUND WEARING THEM. AND NOBODY SAYS SHIT 

i mean... im assuming nobody would actually notice anyway, i didnt wear this out in town, but like, i could do that 

i also stole the other guy’s armor and it looks sick as hell 

i can summon the ghost of one of the previous brotherhood members to fight with me now and he talks to me/comments on things around us and its GREAT i love him im going to take him on a tour of skyrim one of these days 

he sticks around until you summon something else or he gets defeated so presumably if we dont run into a dragon or something he’d probably stay for a pretty long time 

he also gives me excellent advice from time to time 

so anyway then i had a mission where i was supposed to kill some important general’s son and plant false evidence on him so they’d think he was plotting against the emperor and not realize our Actual plot against the emperor 

but i was supposed to kill the guy in one of the major cities, not on the roads between them, so my initial plan was to just follow him until he got to one, right 

however, this apparently causes him to get suspicious and change his course (I think. either that or he just Broke) 

so he was wandering off into the middle of nowhere and eventually INTO THE FUCKING OCEAN 

EXCUSE ME! SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING 

HEY. GAIUS. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING 

i figured that mess out eventually and then there was. uh. An Incident, with cicero

NO I WILL ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT 

i was fully prepared to just fucking sprint across the entire continent after him (to protect him from arnbjorn, who already went after him,) (and yes i could probably just have fast traveled there but listen. sometimes u gotta be dramatic) however 

SHADOW SWAMP HORSE!!!!!!!!!! 

YEAH!!!!!!

YEA H!!!!!!

legit thought arnbjorn was dead until i got close enough to talk to him and ngl i kinda hoped he was

you stay the fuck outta this, wolf boy, dont you DARE

these wrong answers though, 

O SHIT nice of cicero to. leave me some matching clothes, 

they’re not His Clothes bc he’s. obviously still wearing them so i have no idea why these are here but Mine Now 

gorgeous. lmao i didnt keep the hat on (i found a better use for that later) but i do legit like the jester clothes 

i wear pretty much exclusively the least practical armor available to me for the sake of looking good but im managing with it so far :’) i dont like heavy armor anyway i have a bad enough time managing my inventory as it is 

anyway

i found like 40 skulls in here but was also very upset and worried so just like

[me sobbing while frantically shoving skulls in my pockets] CICEROooo COME BACK TO ME 

NO NO BABY NO I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU

i mean like......... honestly you can’t really blame him for snapping, i dont think veezara specifically deserved it, but. everyone was constantly mocking him and talking down to him. yeah he’s got a weird jester thing going on but most of that’s because he’s gone half mad, he’s Not Well but he’s taking his position as the Keeper incredibly seriously, he’s doing his job, he’s doing exactly what he’s supposed to do and he’s doing it very well

but everyone else is constantly disrespecting him and the night mother, AND ULTIMATELY HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT TO DISTRUST ASTRID, AS I FOUND OUT LATER, so like. if you all weren’t so fucking rude to him, maybe we wouldn’t be here, huh, 

[sobbing] please.... please take it 

(he wouldn’t take it but i left it anyway so i could at least Pretend he did) 

i was SO WORRIED ABOUT HIM but i couldn’t DO anything other than just. leave him be 

arnbjorn made it back and this is, i think, the only time he ever spoke to me with any kind of respect 

i told everyone cicero was dead and they believed me, i was for some time absolutely terrified that i might’ve still been right

i went back to check on him later and couldn’t find him ANYWHERE, my potion was still there and there was a fuck of a lot more blood here than there was before which is incredibly alarming 

but: no body, no blood trails, no sign of anything being dragged away, which seemed to imply he had some severe bleeding but eventually stopped the bleeding and was apparently able to walk away without trailing blood and get far enough away that i couldn’t find him, which is probably looking too far into it, but i was desperate, :’ ) 

arnbjorn’s blood is still splattered outside the sanctuary to this day, also, which is. kind of upsetting 

[writingonthemoon]

Old Clothes Part 4

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Word Count: ≈ 2116

Warnings: Mentions of death, murder, fear of failure

Author's Note: Okay, so I accidentally started previously that Odette first Burned when she was nine.  That was incorrect as she was much younger.  Also, this isn’t exactly what I wanted for this part, but I think it sets up my plans for the next part nicely.

Old clothes are always a little strange.  Someone once loved them—cherished them—and now they’re nothing more than a mask.  The quality vanishes with the donation bin.  Dresses for the rich are now for the poor and those for the poor are falling to pieces.  Those stitched by mothers have a different energy about them.  The love that holds the fabric together never quite fades and it always remains soft, even after the countless storms and attacks of nature.  The items warmed your soul whenever they were held and the rush of emotions was overwhelming in the most brilliant way possible.  My sister missed the opportunity for that feeling.

     My mother used to make my clothes for me. She would buy the fabrics and spend an entire Sunday making me a new outfit. They were my favourite things in all the world. We only kept one when we first left. It was the one I was wearing, but it wasn't the same when it was handed down to Clara. Ashes had woven their way into the seams and the smell of fire lingered no matter what we would do. The warmth of love carried the burning of a fire. Delicate lace that lined the edges were rough with hardened emotions.

      I sighed and motioned for my audience to sit down. Jack and Davey pulled chairs out from my table, still staying quite close. Albert grabbed a seat for Crutchie and himself, while Buttons plopped himself on the ground with his legs crossed. "Before I say anything else, you have to promise you won't tell anyone. Not a soul. I shouldn't be telling you any of this since it puts more people than just me in danger, but I think you deserve to know. Promise." I made eye contact with every one of them and they all nodded in reply. "Great. Fantastic. Brilliant." I ran my hand through my hair once again.

     "I was born in London, I believe, in 1791. My father's name is—was James and my mother's name was Lilijah. At least, that's what their names were while I was growing up. The Burn existed long before I was born, probably back when the first monarchies began. It was never meant to be a way of life. The Burn... it was always a safety procedure, a cautionary plan if you will.

     "Say everything goes wrong. You're being framed for murder or are being chased by the police or mafia or it's anything else that's basically the end of the world for you. Well, in my family, that's the end of the world for whomever you were. Then, you are reborn, so to speak.

     "It's simple enough, really. Everything you once owned, your clothes, books, anything that could identify you, would be taken out to an empty space. There, you set a match to it, lighting everything ablaze and erasing all evidence of you ever existing. It worked exceptionally well when I was little since towns and cities were so spread out and people just died suddenly, but people would notice if you just disappeared since there were so few people living in the area. Today, it's easy to vanish, but harder to locate a burn spot.

     "Once the ashes lay at your feet, you build yourself again. New name, new place, new story. Of course, this plan wasn't meant for frequent use. So you have to get creative sometimes. I can't even tell you how many people I've become. My name is Odette Davenport, though. It's the one thing I've always known. I don't know my birthday, where I'm truly from, how I prefer my tea or if I even like tea. At this point, Odette is just another character I'm to play before I move on from this place."

     My gaze met the ground as I paused, not knowing how to go on. Two of these boys were related to me. They have a right to know, but should they? Who knew how many times Clara and Elijah had Burned before settling down and washing the ash from their nailbeds. Did they even share the family shame with anyone or was it the secret that killed them? No, they should know. They should know why.

     Jesse. No, he's not Jesse. Jesse is gone now, he doesn't matter. This one does. He's different, better than Jesse. In his eyes, I'm a person. A real person who feels the same as others do and thinks the same thoughts. I'm just older, suffering a long-lasting curse, just as he is. His leg was the poison that was crawling through his body and killing him slowly. The water rushed through my veins, stripping away any sign of illness or death, keeping me alive. How I wished I could switch with him, feel sickness and pain and worry about mortality instead of harbouring the fear of my past coming up behind me and pushing me over the edge, only to fall forever.

      Jack and Davey must think I'm insane with my tale. That or they're calling into question what they knew about life and the universe.  Perhaps it was both at once.  The two need not be here, listening to my woes, yet they sit in anticipation, awaiting my next breath.  But why?  This has no consequence upon their lives.  I’m merely a single person in a list of thousands that they’ve met just in a day.  Compared to the years they would exist, it’s an interaction that means most nothing.  Yet they are content with sitting and giving me their attention as if I were the Queen during a time of war.  An odd comparison since my actions would lead me down a far less noble path where I would abdicate the throne and flee the country.

     "I was four when I first Burned.  I had accidentally stolen food and my parents feared the worst.  We weren't living in a town known for forgiveness.  We packed up in the middle of the night, brought everything out to the field.  I still feel the scorching heat on my face sometimes, when I’m at my lowest.  The smell of burning memories in one you never think you'll know, but you’ll never forget it either.  We kept very few things from my first life.  My grandmother's ring," I held up my hand to show off the flat gold front with worn initials carved into the front, "some money, the clothes we were wearing, and our names." There was a small gasp from Buttons and Albert.  The family trait for worry and fear of failure seemed to run deeper than I thought.

     "My brother Elijah Burned when he was five and Clara was only one at the time.  Once again, it was all my fault.  My mind escaped me and I wandered to follow it.  I was only ten and they shouldn’t have blamed me for what I came across." I huffed and shook my head, clearing the daunting image from my brain, "It was a body, what I found.  I...They thought I killed him.  Me, a ten-year-old, killed a fully grown man.  I was going to be arrested, put on death row, for something I didn’t do.  So we Burned.  After that, it became frequent.  The five of us carried matches on our person just in case we had to leave in a hurry.  We no longer controlled the burn.  It controlled us."

     "Wait, you was four when youse did this?" I nodded to Jack, confirming the answer he knew, "But you was just a kid!  That ain’t right!"

     "I lived in different times, Jack.  Very different times.  I was British in America not eight years after the War for Independence.  They would do anything to get rid of us.  It was like we were a plague when we wanted out of England the same way they did." I glanced out the dingy window, seeing the onset twilight, "Oh god, I best be going." I pushed myself off the table I was perched on, "Thank you for the supplies to fix myself up and I guess for listening to part of my life story." My mouth met the cheeks of each boy in thanks, something I had picked up in my travels.  I started backing out of the room when Crutchie’s face caught my eye.  He was crestfallen, the corners of his mouth turning down as he sighed and kicked lightly at the ground.  I couldn't just leave like this.  Not after what I had told them all.  But I needed to. "Do one of you think you could walk me to my hotel?  It is quite dark and I don’t want to be in any danger."

     Before anyone could respond, Jack stepped forward, "I'll take ya.  I know dese streets betta than anyone else." He led me out the Lodging House as I waved at the boys in a final goodbye.  I uttered the address of my temporary arrangements and we stalked the streets in silence, becoming long shadows that extend for miles around sharp corners.  I watched Jack more than the path ahead of me, trying to piece together the mystery I wanted to know.  He and Davey... what was it about them?

     "You know, if ya wanna look at me, starin' like that ain't too covert."

     "Davey," Jack's posture straightened and I could tell his breaths were shallowing, "there's something about him you like, isn't there.  More than just a friend perhaps."

      "I don't know what youse talkin' 'bout.  Dave is one a my best friends," I saw the slight fall in his expression, turning to sadness and bitterness, "Why would there be anything else to 'im that I like?  It's not like I'll just listen to him go on hours 'bout nothin'.  And it ain't his pretty eyes or soft hair or anything.  Definitely not." He shook his head and met my gaze, a pleading look on his face.  Nobody could know.  Even if Jack couldn't help himself when it came to talking about his counterpart, no one could know.

     "Definitely not." I winked at him and we chuckled.  A quiet followed afterwards until Jack broke the invisible barrier

     "You ain't gonna leave us, right?  Not yet?"

     I stared him dead in the eye, ready to avoid making the real decision, "Of course not.  There’s still so much you all don't know yet."

     "Great.  I think Al and Buttons really enjoy having you here.  Crutch too.  He doesn't trust many too much.  There's only a few of us he’s real close to.  Somethin' about you is different.  I could see it in his face.  I think he really likes ya." I blushed at the thought of Crutchie liking me.  It wasn't a concept that was foreign to me, but I didn't expect it from this boy after hearing I was immortal.

      The middle-class building loomed above us, beckoning me towards the room I had booked, "I guess this is me." I shrugged and thanked Jack for walking me.  he stole a hug before running back into the night.  My fingers found my hair as I entered the building, climbing the stairs.  The room I had booked was tiny, a single bed crammed against the wall and a trunk placed at the end.   A window was across from the door, leading to the fire escape, and there was a cracked mirror mounted by a closet that would fit only a child.

     My fingers found their way around the room, collecting my things as my mind ran around the world, searching for a place to run to.  The checklist was losing empty boxes and the panic inside me wasn't reflected on the outside. This was normal.  My footsteps were almost nonexistent as I floated out of the room and to the empty bathroom shared by all the guests on my floor.  The lock flicked shut at my will and I carefully stacked my items within the confines of the bathtub.  I opened the window to filter the air into the black night.

     But the boys.  I couldn't do this to them.  My family.  Crutchie.  It wasn't fair that I was leaving them in the dark, no idea of the end or middle of the story.  then again, life was never fair either.  Certainly not this one.  The moment I started this, it went downhill.  I studied the pile across from me, spinning the historic ring around my finger.  My hand found the box in my pocket.  A snap of the wrist later and my face was illuminated with the soft glow of the burning match. Ashes were always the beginning, but what was the end?