#i care for them while simultaneously absolutely not understanding anything about them and human interaction

[tenrose]

I've been thinking all day about that "discussion" we had during meal time at work today that made me lose my mind. But mostly how fucking useless I was because of dumb I am. Basically there is a call for a strike from our Union for better salaries which I would have expected everyone find great considering we have to work 40h+ to be able to reach like 1,5k€ (with a productivity bonus in it) so basically, we have a decent salary because we are overworked and when l mean decent, I mean decent for me because I have the luxury to have no car so I don't pay as much shit as other (while it's nothing for colleagues who come to work with cars and have children etc.) and still it only allow me to rent for a one room 30m2 appartement so you know... Not what I'd expect to have once I'd have a full time job (also considering the fact that here a full time job is supposed to be 35h not over 40h). So you know I'm super ready to support strike movement considering the fucking shit capitalist pigs have put our country (lol the entire WORLD) those last two years.

And then there's this fucking guy (I normally don't hate him but that's radically changed them) who trash talked the Union for the whole fucking meal (I put down the knife in my hand), basically saying they demand too much, and people are lazy and they don't want to work and going etc. And I swear to you my blood is still fucking boiling. And he said yeah but countries who have workplaces with 4 days a weeks have it because they are protected military by America or some shit (he said that cause I used Norway as an exemple of great social country), become a shareholder or invest money (why is it always the fucking cis millennials guys coming with that invest money bullshit) and basically life is not fucking vacations and etc. Etc. I mean the only argument I came up with the fact that every single right we gained was through strikes. Literally France has labour laws protecting the employees because our parents and grandparents went on strike for us. And basically every right we have, every rights women have, every right the queer community have is because people went on strike and fought for us. Like I know our elders did a lot shit, not downplaying this in any way but they also granted us great things. Great things we are losing right now. But people have this fucking mentality of working more to make more money. And God forbid if the neighbor who work less hours make the same amount. Like why do you care so fucking much? And also this individualistic way of thinking, like ask a may raise for yourself. And why do you care about inflation on the gas price if you don't have a car? Hello because I don't think it's fair for anyone to have half their salary going on the transportation they are forced to use to go to work. And because union make us stronger. Together we are fucking stronger. I don't fucking care if "union wants a strike because it benefits them" it will benefit me and since I have a permanent contract I can't be fired because of strike. Because believe it or not Union Strike are protected under Labour law. And if you don't want to go on strike, good for you. But trash talking workers Union? That's fucking low. I mean I'm guilty of always complaining about the SNCF strike but when you think about it most people are angry because they have better privileges than us because.... Strikes. And even I, some stuff the Union has down really annoy me (like the fact that most of us are peacefully remotely working) but I know they do stuff that benefit all us. And you know what? Fight for everyone including the one who don't want to associate with Unions, but the ones who actively trash talk about Union strikes shouldn't receive any benefit acquired by them. There I said it.

And I don't know his personal life that much, but he's a straight cis white man around my age. And I can tell he's never have one financial struggle in his life. I just know. If you've been poor you know. I mean sadly there's a lot of people with low income sharing this kind of stupidity but the way he talks about it I just know. It sounds irrational I know but I know this gut feeling too well. I was absolutely certain the moment he said "people are not starving", I knew he has used the power of depression to wake up at 3pm skipping meals and saving food and money. I know he never has seen his parents lashing out on him because you secretly ate the cereals unknowingly they had to sacrifice something for themselves. And while I know he's not rich, I know that with the money I earn now I don't really struggle anymore. It's easy for me. He doesn't now at least, he's having a child soon. But idk what's his gf is doing because he doesn't seem worried. I mean our coworker with a kid was telling him how she don't do a lot of stuff for herself anymore, how she has to sacrifice thing to give the best for herself. But he finds it normal? It's really weird. I mean while being not rich he probably know he has his parents backing up a minimum. I don't. Not cause they hate me. But because since I've started to work I'm basically the richest kid (tell you a lot with a minimum wage with 8 extra hours every week) and I'm their backup. They never have been able to be my security for rent.

I mean I always felt this guy being too close to the boss anyway... The only ones "close" to him are the women from HR secretary etc. They are probably just close to back their own asses... Which fair I guess. For the record he had a permanent contract super easily (I know he had one interview with the big boss, no of us had and we all signed last minute and because they were forced by law to have more permanent contracts than precarious ones) and also at some point he said to just ask for a pay raise. And if it isn't the typical straight male who never have to fight for something while struggling with impostor syndrome like broke people/women/poc had, saying idk what it is. I mean he's educated and that's why he sounded confident while talking (I mean I am somehow the owner of a uni diploma and I still don't feel legitimate in anything). And not that it's bad to be educated, on the opposite, but most people here haven't had the luck to have long studies or they have something useless like a literature diploma (silly me). And generally there's something about talking calmly about social and financial injustices that put a giant red flag above the head of the person. Ik now, I'm being overly sensitive here. But I don't understand people who don't?

But anyway the thing that annoyed me the most was myself. Because, of this fucking social anxiety I wasn't able to stand my ground. I'm the most nervous person on earth, I was visibly shaking with anxiety because I don't know to debate but also with proper anger. I am always fucking shaking when in intense debates, things that matter to me (even in the positive side like talking about stuff I like). And now I'm thinking about all the fucking counter arguments because I have all of them. But I just looked dumb like it just makes it easier for him to feel right and for me to feel wrong. And God I'm crying right now, I know stupid. I mean if it was a written dissertation I would have beaten his ass easy. I know it cause I always good at dissertation and showing I am someone's with critical thinking deep inside with my writing (and I would have been better if I didn't spend my whole academic cursus writing shit the last minute). You know I should remind myself that I was good at written essays. I should remind myself that I'm not bad at everything. But the thing is, life is not written. And not being able to properly convey your thoughts verbally is a dead sentence for basically everything. Without social anxiety I wouldn't be stuck here, in a mindless job, I wouldn't be stuck listening to right wing bullshit. I mean I would, but I would be striking back. I'm just looking stupid, worrying about stuff I can't change. I can't stand for myself. I can't stand for other people as well. Because I have a fucking dead brain.

[underworldreaderinserts]

Hey, this is my first time doing a request and I don’t know if this is the right place to put it (I hope it is). But I was wondering if you do do multiple characters, if you could do (separate) headcannons for Zagreus, Thanatos, and Hypnos falling for someone completely mortal on the surface? Thank you so much and I’m really sorry if I didn’t input my request correctly!

Hello, love! No, you did absolutely fine, this is exactly where you’re supposed to submit your requests♡ Thank you so much for sending it in! I hope it’s to your liking♡ I’m so sorry it took so long to publish. The past few days have been hectic! But I’m back♡ Do these even count as headcanons? I’m so sorry-- I know you asked for them separate, but I thought of them all together, and I accidentally made a poly circle. Since this post is long enough already, I’ll leave them out, but please let me know if you’d want me to make a post with them! I had so much fun imagining and writing it that I couldn’t help myself♡  -- Ryan

Thanatos:

✧ Your modest, mortal life hadn’t been too grandiose; you worked as a humble physician, tending to your village in ways of medication and treatment, everything between minor procedures and check ups.

     ✧ In your line of work, death was no stranger. It wasn’t very frequent that patients died in your care, but when they did -- whether it was a life lost to infection, injury, or illness -- they were only in extreme cases. (Needless to say, Thanatos had made all those visits to your practice)

✧ In the beginning, he'd refrained from any involvement in your life -- only watching over the soul whose allotted time was running out before reaping them, then departing. 

✧ But one day, he’d watched you fighting to keep your patient alive. Tears streaming down your face as you did everything in your power to stabilize the boy. His parchment read, ‘name; Nicos, age; 10, cause of death; injury by stampede’. 

     ✧ He knew that he’d have no other choice but to take the boy’s soul -- living with those irreversible damages would be a worse outcome.

✧ After that, he began to notice things he never did before. 

     ✧ The care you put in to making your patients comfortable before they passed. How you went above and beyond caring for them, and giving preventative measures to prolong their life (though he’d still be there to take the soul regardless, he’d watched as you did your best to preserve their life). All of it showed how limitless your strength was.

✧ “He’s.. doing fine. The boy.” You heard a voice one day, an unfamiliar one. You turn around from the bookshelf you stand before, holding a journal and a vial of ointment. 

     ✧ “Excuse me?” You blink, asking the stranger softly, taking in his features. He wasn’t from the village, you were aware of that. The village rarely had travelers passing through, and given this man’s robes and garments, you weren’t quite sure he was an ordinary man.

          ✧ “Nicos. He’s doing well.” The man wields his scythe, gently shifting its weight from one hand to the other. Your eyes widen as it dawns on you. “Than..atos?” Correctly identifying him, he seems to give a small bow of his head.

               ✧ You do as any sane person would, in the presence of a god; you drop everything in your hands and take a step back. You had enough reason to believe him -- after all, you knew everyone in this village, and Nicos had passed months before his arrival. There was no way he’d have known.

               ✧ “Are you... Is it my time?” You ask, leaving Thanatos a bit puzzled. “Are you here to collect my soul?” You repeat, and the understanding visually clicks in Thanatos, and he chuckles, shaking his head. Of course, you’d believe he’d come for your soul, as he’d only ever appeared before humans who have met their time. “Then... What is it you’ve come for?”

               ✧ You’d asked the million dollar question. Why had he even appeared before you? What was it that drew him out like this? “I... Can’t tell you myself. I just came to tell you, he’s doing well.” And with a toll of a bell, he’d disappeared. No word of goodbye, no mention of ever coming back.

               ✧ Reflecting on what had just happened; The God of Death himself had come into your home, just to tell you that Nicos was alright. It warmed your heart to take comfort in that, knowing that he was no longer in pain.

               ✧ Sitting on the situation a little longer, and judging by that little bit of information, it finally dawned on you that he was there, personally, for that event, and that he’d thought of you enough to reassure you.

✧ Due to his work, Thanatos makes frequent trips to the surface. 

✧ Frequent trips to the surface, meant frequent visits (where he could, of course. Lord Hades would have his head if he didn’t prioritize his job).

✧ At first, he refrained from any sort of involvement in your life -- he’d come for his job, and nothing more. But now he seeks you out. He’ll stop by to check in, or even just to see your face. And one thing differs now, when he comes to reap the soul’s whose allotted time had run out.

     ✧ “Take good care of them, Thanatos.” You’d smile softly as you place a coin over your patient’s mouth, voicing your little prayer to him. You said this each time, too, and it made him think you could see him.

✧ He wasn’t sure when it began, but thoughts of seeing you as he carried out his job filled him with a warm, soft feeling.

Hypnos:

✧ In charge of the census of the dead, Hypnos was aware of how everyone dies; when they died, and where they end up in the Underworld.

     ✧ He found that his job became so ingrained in his being that, when he’d drift off at work, his dreams would take him to visions of the lives of some of the mortals he had met, or have yet the pleasure of meeting when they come to the underworld.

          ✧ Most of these dreams always tie back to a particular individual -- someone who seems to touch the lives of everyone they’ve ever met.

✧ At first, he’d just assumed that you’d met and knew everyone in the world, as the only common denominator throughout these dreams was you. But upon further evaluation of that statement, he had determined that was impossible.

     ✧ Next, he had to admit that perhaps he was drawn to you. Whether it was a connection the Fates mandated, or it was his subconscious actively seeking you out, he’d have these visions of your life, these interactions with the people in your life.

          ✧ An image of your smile, the depiction of an experience you had. You’d invaded his dreams, and eventually his thoughts.

✧ Being shackled to the House, and without the luxury that Thanatos or Zagreus have to go to the surface, Hypnos only has a very one-sided means of interacting with you; and though he doesn’t know you, he’s very drawn to you.

✧ It’s curious. As he’s seen all these snippets of your life, he feels he simultaneously knows everything about you, yet nothing about you at all. He could see these candid shots of your life, but he doesn’t know your dreams, your ambitions, or even the sound of your voice.

✧ With his thoughts always falling back to you, he’s a bit more spacey on the job, receiving reprimands from Hades more and more often, looks judgement from his brother, and looks of solemn understanding from his mother.

✧ Achilles teases him, recognizing traits of “a lovesick puppy”, but never really gets an answer on what that means (he might even observe Cerberus for a while to see if he can understand it a little more).

✧ He awaits enthusiastically, and a tad bittersweetly, for your eventual arrival to the Underworld, desiring nothing more than to meet you, and to hear your experiences of life on the surface.

⚠️Spoilers Ahead!! ⚠️

Zagreus:

✧ Most of your mortal life is spent in Persephone’s vibrant and luscious gardens.

     ✧ You lived not too far from her cottage, and you made frequent visits to her, bringing her goods and gifts from the market, and the words from all the gossipers of the town.

          ✧ As far as you knew, she was the only one who lived here, and she didn’t seem to have any family of her own. Taking care of her gardens seemed to be her passion, and to be honest you enjoyed her company. There was something about her, so lively and inviting, that made it hard to stay away for long.

✧ Trips to Persephone were always fragrant, delicious, and warm, despite the permanent snow in the region. Conversations over meals, fishing by the river, and of course time spent in the garden where you got to watch your toils bear great produce.

✧ One day, you return to the cottage, a basket of bass and trout resting on your hip as you walk. The plan was to make a profit selling them in town, and use the coin to get better tools for the garden and the kitchen.

     ✧ Though, on the way to the cottage, you notice scorched earth in the shape of a bare footprints. The trail leads up to the garden, where you find Persephone with a man you’ve never seen before. A man like you’ve never seen before.

          ✧ You watch on as Persephone embraces this ethereal form, whose skin is much like ash and moonstone. He looked beyond out of place, yet, something about him felt so familiar.

               ✧ Focused on the two before you, carelessly unaware of your surroundings, you snap a branch under your foot, alerting them of your presence. The stranger flinched, tensing as he pulls his guard up. He turns to meet your eyes, and whatever words you’d formed in your mind vanished.

               ✧ One red, one green -- his eyes bore into yours as you admire his. That electrifying moment of attraction ends in time with Persephone clearing her throat.

               ✧ No one needed to say anything for you to recognize he’d had the same energy as Persephone. You could deduct immediately that he was her son. But nonetheless, Persephone’s words broke the silence, “[Y/N], This is... my son. This is Zagreus.”

               ✧ “Zagreus..” You sit a moment, tasting his name as it falls from your tongue, and it was something about the way you said his name that drew a shiver up his spine.

               ✧ “[Y/N]... Have you been here the whole time? How much did you hear? Do the Olympians know of you, too?” His questions went miles a minute, but made no sense to you. “Why would the Olympians...? What, do you mean the Gods?” You ask, and Zagreus exchanged a look to his mother, recognizing his own mistake.

               ✧ However, he’d reached his limit in that moment, and Zagreus clutched his chest, stumbling. Immediately, you drop your basket in worry, and go over to help him maintain his balance. Persephone placed her hand on your shoulder, and you watched as his body faded away.

✧ It was then, between that day and the next visit Zagreus paid to the garden, that the whole truth was told to you. How Persephone was actually the daughter of Demeter, the cause of the perpetual snow, and Zagreus was her son with the God of the Underworld, Hades.

✧ Since the day he’d met you in his mother’s garden, his curiosity was piqued. 

     ✧ How long had you been visiting his mother? If you hadn’t known she was a Goddess of Olympus, what was it that drove you to help her? His heart beat faster with his recount of your eyes, your voice, your worry as he felt the tug of the Styx back to the Underworld.

✧ His mission remained escaping to see his mother again, and again, but he found himself hoping each time that you were there.

     ✧ To try the food that you’d make for him. To hear the newest rumor that was spreading around the town. To help around the garden, and see you glow with happiness as each of the plants met maturity. 

✧ You’d invaded his mind, tugging at the strings of his heart -- and on the days when you were away from the garden, his mother had no problems teasing him about his crush on you. Though, she admits, if she’d have to give her only son away to anyone, it would absolutely be you.

[cipheramnesia]

I got very excited to watch the old 1990s Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequels off @facelessoldgargoyle live blogging them. I've already said plenty about TCM and TCM2, and I'm more less fine to rest on what I wrote about TCM3 because honestly that was the most mediocre sequel - it tried to make a kind of standard slasher and was elevated on the material of the earlier films but kinda Friday the 13th'd itself into a formula.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is something else though. Not quite in the level of the earlier films, nevertheless it's much more of a proper part 3 than TCM3 was. What TCM:TNG gets is how much the series is about waking dreams that are nightmares and how very much the Sawyer family is meant to be partially victims in the process.

In some sense the movies always come to a place where the protagonist is an intruder in a world where they just don't belong. The protagonists are meant to live in a regular world with sleepovers or chili contests or prom nights, but they have somehow become lost in a world of cannibals and chainsaws and murderers. They live in a world where they have friends and coworkers and people are going to respond in ways they understand, but they enter a new world where all the ways they know to communicate and interact are wrong, where every social queue ranges from confusing to hostile to outright dangerous.

Now horror has a complicated relationship with disability, neurodiversity, queerness, and such. It simultaneously does a very rough mistreatment of these subjects, while also giving a lot of us a sense of belonging to the places that everyone characterizes as belonging to monsters. The TCM movies are very much in the "good movies but complicated about gender and disability" and my reading is probably not reflecting anything the filmmakers were planning.

However, it's hard for me to ignore how much everyone in TCM has a shared language and history and understanding. With TCM:TNG that's very much cranked to eleven, and I like them so much. I love them frankly. Leatherface being completely fucked up about gender and sex and murder is for me achingly sad. The performance is wild and manic and I feel on the edge of understanding him. His gender shit is not pretty or easy and that speaks to me.

There's Darla, a kind of matter of fact stone cold badass I wonder what she's doing in the family for awhile but understanding comes with her sexuality, which is primal and violent and nothing like what the world accepts for most women. It's close to my heart, seeing the way sex is half about fighting and half about fucking. Also, I'm gonna say it: Matt McConaughey's performance here is brilliant where he howls and snarls and rants from one disconnected topic to another. Every one of the family here are people who are not permitted in the conventional world, the so called normal world.

There's an extended scene with a whole family dinner of people who are not as others and the protagonist, Jenny, breaks out, tries to hold everyone off with a shotgun and no one quite cares. They're arguing and ignoring her, she's yelling at them like a frustrated mother, and that's the thesis of the film, the absolute peak dream parallel reality. She's intruded into a space where she is the freak, where her voice doesn't matter, where everyone ignores her because she's now the abnormal one who can he disregarded even when she's armed, fighting, it doesn't matter to the family because she's not real in that place. She's an inconvenience because they have to deal with her and dispose of her, but by no means is she human.

And that's kinda how our world treats them. Queer and disabled and in pain, our world just wants people like that, like me, to stay out of sight and quietly die. Which I think wasn't really the intent, but that's why it resonates with me, why all of the TCM movies feel so close to my heart. I may not be a cannibal or a murderer but I'm still the kind of person who conventional society would be happy to see gone forever. And I like seeing people like me get a little of our own back.

[lady-griffin]

Technically Trigon (and by extension Raven) is not a demon because he is from a hell like dimension but not hell. He's a poser.

Sorry, I disagree with that, and for me, that seems like such a pointless technically :)

But like you said, DC has pointed out Trigon is not from “The Hell” and technically isn’t a demon.

However, at the exact same time, he’s still largely considered to be a demon by DC.

Which makes sense, seeing as he’s an immortal malevolent entity that has all the bells and whistles of a demon (+ more) and lives in a dimension, that for all intents and purposes is hell or a hell-dimension.

It just seems very silly to me, to say Trigon’s technically not demon.

-

I think Hell (demons) should go beyond Lucifer or I guess really, human/earth religion in the DC world. I mean, why the hell not? (ha!)

What is hell? What is a demon?

Does hell and demons only exist in relation to more western-centric religious ideas? What about other religions, on earth and otherwise?

What about all the other planets in the universe? Other dimensions?

Are demons only applicable to humans and earth?

Do other planets/dimensions have afterlives specific to their religions? Hells or heavens, or something else altogether? What about their Gods or God?

Or is that all false and there is only one “God?” The Judeo-Christian-Islamic god?

For me, that limits so many possibilities. Especially considering how wide and complicated the DC universe actually is.

Furthermore, what’s the difference between a hell-like dimension, a hell dimension or simply hell?

While I don’t see Trigon or Raven being related to Lucifer, “God,” or Hell (specifically the Hell we see other DC heroes deal with), the two 100% count as demons.

Especially, since I think that complicates the idea of what demons are and makes demons go beyond Earth and more specifically, Christianity.

Slightly related (not really), I was never fan of how in BTVS and Angel, only crosses worked against vampires and no other symbols of religion. Why was Christianity the only religion that could hurt vampires?

-

Personally, I just like the idea of Raven being a full-on demon (or part-demon).

Again, her classifying as one, just expands the idea of what demons are and makes things like religion, far more confusing in the DC world (like our own).

I mean, if you know there are angels and demons, and that holy water and crosses absolutely work on demons, doesn’t that just make Christianity an objective reality?

Isn’t it more interesting, if yes that stuff can work on some demons, but not for others? That you get the very frustrating answer, of - “it depends on what kind of demon.”

I think so.

I like the idea of someone who thinks they have a solid idea of what demons are and what works on them, have all that put into question once Raven comes into the picture. Because some of those things do apply to her, but others simply don’t.

Throwing holy water on Raven will only get you one very annoyed and wet demoness. But blast some holy magic at her and you might get a different story.

-

This might just be me.

But I think saying Raven isn’t a demon, creatures that are objectively evil in DC canon, kind of takes away from the fact that Raven is this kind and caring individual, who is ultimately good.

Because, if she isn’t a demon (or a "true demon" as we think of them), then her being good isn’t necessarily this revolutionary idea.

It can still be one, for sure.

But it seems like someone can easily explain Raven being good, by simply saying - children aren’t their parents. Just because Trigon is evil, doesn’t mean Raven is.

Raven being born a good person (or neutral) who has this darker side that can take over her is all well and good (I’m certainly not complaining).

But that isn’t nearly as interesting to me as the concept of Raven, because she is part-demon, was born this malevolent entity, and aside from sheer power/being Trigon’s portal, is technically no different than any other demon.

And yet, she literally rewrote her very nature, by choosing to be good. She consistently chose the harder path for herself, literally defying the universe, and made the moral waters of good and evil, all the murkier.

And maybe it wasn’t just hard-work.

Maybe Raven got lucky because she was raised on Azarath or because of all her power / soul-self (or whatever); maybe she simply had an advantage over other demons, because she had so many more opportunities to learn how to be good.

I don’t know, I just love the idea that Raven was born half-demon (full on objectively evil demon) and was fated to destroy everything – either by freeing Trigon or by destroying everything herself.

And that’s it. No surprise twist or anything, no secret fate where she was also supposed to defeat Trigon.

No. Raven (and Trigon) were supposed to be how everything ended, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Except, that didn’t happen. This young woman fought tooth and nail to be someone else, to be someone who is good and kind.

And she succeeded.

The forces of the universe, that everything else has to bend to, were challenged by this small, stubborn woman; and one of them broke, and that one wasn’t Raven.

There’s also the added beauty of free-will.

DC's Main Villain Darkseid, main thing is to completely enslave the universe and destroy free-will with the anti-life equation. And while Raven has nothing to do with Darkseid, free-will being a factor in other DC stories, puts a smile on my face.

-

Sorry, anon. You didn't ask for any of this.

You sent a message sort of at the wrong time (or right time, depending on how think about it), as I was writing down my ideas/headcanons of what demons and hell are in DC, or at least how I think of them.

And while you didn’t bring up religion and earth, I was already thinking about this stuff, so that’s on me.

I just like the idea of magic and demons/angels going beyond Earth and humanity, because usually in DC, that stuff seems to stay with Earth.

You are right though.

While DC does classify Trigon as Demon, they do seem to specify (or fans in charge of the wiki specify) that since he’s not from The “Hell,” he’s simply more akin to an entity that can be called a demon, rather than an actual one

But I find that to be boring, and again, a very silly and pointless technicality.

I would personally rather DC be like - Hell, Demons, and all of that nonsense are far more complicated than what we humans or mortals can possibly understand.

In my view,

Demons are the only creatures that can not only come from hell, but can also survive and thrive there as well.

Hell is a singular dimension that is made up of billions of different hell dimensions that simultaneously overlap and never interact with one another. Some of these hells are afterlife-dimensions that are the final destination for certain mortal souls, and others go beyond such simple ideas.

Making Trigon and Raven, 100% all demon. Or, I guess in Raven's case, 50% all demon.

[sassooda]

Worlds Away JJK AU / Chapter 39 - Run

w/c - 7,590

**Warnings- This chapter is very violent.**

               The waiter returns with replacement drinks and sets them down accordingly. He doesn’t stay long this time but he once again intensely stares at them all. Toji postures himself and rolls his shoulders back while unabashedly glaring him down. He’s sure the waiter can tell but his brown eyed gaze is now of Elska as he leaves. Toji grumbles, “He’s begging for an ass whooping doll, would you be upset if I delivered?”. She giggles out, “You are not allowed to hit him!”, and bumps him with her shoulder playfully.

               Naoya cracks up from Toji’s words and adds, “I’ve felt your punch, you’ll fucking kill the guy!”. His deep laughter carries through the patio causing the young parents of the three kids to look over awkwardly and smile. Naoya nods and waves to offer the universal gesture that he wasn’t intending to be that loud. He looks over to Toji and Elska with a grin while lifting his glass into the air, “I just want to say that I’m grateful to be here with you two today.”. He brings his eyes to Toji, “I’ve always looked up to you and hoped that I could be that cool when I grew up…,” he chuckles with slight embarrassment, “…and I know things with all of us are, unique but I appreciate you having the room in your heart for me, it means a lot...”. Toji’s face experienced a quick wash of gentleness that Naoya was happy he saw, returning it without being shy. The Zenin now looks at Elska, “And you my princess…”, he sighs at her sweet eyes, “Thank you for showing me what it means to be cared for by a woman. Come what may, I will always be rich in all things with you by my side.”. He watches Elska sip her wine with watery eyes as he drinks his Mojito until the opportunity to kiss her arises. After he hums to the feeling of perfection, he pulls back and chuckles, “It’s so peaceful without Gojo around, isn’t it?”, he admits as Toji cackles and leans forward while setting his drink on the table.

Elska sips her wine and puts the glass down before wrapping her arms into both of theirs. “Thank you so much for bringing me out here today!”, she feels it’s impossible to address both of them at the same time so she scoots back, “You two bring so much happiness into my life, Sati too…”. She squeezes their arms, “I can’t imagine what life would be like without you.”. Her eyes now take to the kids as the youngest is waving at them in the awkward manner that a toddler would. “We’ve made a friend!”, she laughs as she waves back. ‘Could I be a mother? A good one?’, she asks herself as she watches Naoya interacting with the child, wearing a goofy face. ‘He would be a good father…I know he would.’, the idea creeps into her heart as she heavily considers giving him what he wants. Naoya leans back and says, “They’re reeeeally cute actually. It doesn’t help my baby fever whatsoever.”. Elska inhales sharply after a stark possibility blares into her brain, “I could already be pregnant and not even know it...”, her words sounded dreadful but only because she wouldn’t have the first fucking clue as to who the child would belong to. She didn’t want to say anything out loud but Toji was hot on her trail of thought.

“Any one of us could be the father!”, Toji’s eyes widen as he’s not even considered what a quandary that could turn out to be. He looks over at Naoya who’s left eye is twitching and feels defensive, “Boy don’t make that face, I never pull out.”. As soon as the words left his lips, he can feel the heated aura from Elska, “Doll, I have no idea why I just said that...”, but is relieved to find he’s not in the doghouse after she says, “I’m going to pretend that didn’t happen!” with a squinted expression.

“You dirty old bastard!”, Naoya does not like the idea of anyone else knocking her up. “You’re not supposed…she’s a princess!”, and looks at Elska with a furrowed brow. She seems pretty uncomfortable and he assumes it’s because of his reaction so he feels bad. He huffs, “Well I don’t either!”. Elska can be heard humming like she’s thinking of a punishment but his mind takes to the night of him, Gojo and Elska. He recalls something he feels is important and darts his eyes to Toji with a devious grin, “But Gojo does.”.

“Naoya…I’m about to take your drink away again!”, she buries her face into her hands as she tries to not feel grossed out by herself. Naoya pulls her hands away and turns her in his direction, “Baby! Like I said before…we’re unique!”, and brings his drink within his guard. She feels his lips against her own and somehow the simple action instantly comforts her. ‘We’re all degenerates…’. She leans back into her seat after they break away and looks up to the sky. Thinking of a great comeback she smirks and flippantly says, “Maybe Choso’s the daddy.”. She laughs when Naoya gasps with anxiety but is surprised by how Toji saw right through her.

“Baby? Are you messing with me right now?”, he knows she’s laughing but is honestly afraid of that thought after the lack of clarification with what happened between her and the being. “Tell me you’re just kidding!”, he leans up and pokes at her sides until she admits that it was just a bad joke. Once he’s satisfied and reassured, he sits back again and threatens, “That deserves a spanking...”, and bites his lip as he envisions it. He looks to Toji, “How were you able to be so calm?!”, but pouts when Toji shrugs and says, “I just know better.”, and Naoya now feels silly for getting worked up. “That’s two spankings now since my pride is hurt as well!”. He giggles with her as she doesn’t seem to protest against the idea. ‘Just you wait, Elska!’, he’s now planning to give them to her tonight.

The waiter approaches them again, still eyeing Toji. “Ugh…not again…”, Toji feels the man staring at him and wants to avoid having to directly deal with him but the brown eyed fellow walks over to Toji’s side. He gives Elska and Naoya a loathing look as he warns of his tolerance being low. The waiter says, “I’ll explain the menu since you’re unfamiliar with the language.”, but his tone was different. Toji abruptly states, “I’ll take anything chicken.”, and starts to feel aggressive as the waiter remains. The man leans down and places a hand on Toji’s shoulder and the moment it makes contact, Toji feels a surge of pain shoot through his arm and bellows out an inhuman screech. Naoya stands up immediately and asks what’s wrong but Toji’s unable to respond.

               Naoya looks at the waiter, “What the fuck did you do? WHO ARE YOU?!”, and then back at Toji who has doubled over, heaving in pain as his presence darkens. “Baby, get up…GET UP NOW!”, He grabs Elska and moves her away while glaring at the waiter who arrogantly standing by the giant. The man laughs wildly and says, “This is for Master Kokoro…”. The waiter goes to lower his hand back onto his shoulder but Toji snatches it, crushes his wrist and cries out as his wings start to form. “Oh fuck…”. The Zenin man yells to the other tables, “GET OUT OF HERE NOW!”. Naoya steps back with Elska tightly in his grasp and worries about everyone around them. All of the people sitting outside have now tuned in and are watching in horror as the skin of Toji’s back stretches to form the bones and feathers…but they do not move.

               “TOJI DON’T!”, Elska breaks away from Naoya to run to her beloved but before she can reach him, Toji yanks the waiter down by the wrist and proceeds to send energy at the man’s torso, hollowing him out completely. The body remains standing for what seemed like forever as Elska views the beautiful river through him until he collapses. Screams erupt chaotically as terrified people try to flee but Elska’s only focus was on Toji, who seems to be falling progressively deeper into this dark energized way. “TOJI!”, she cries out to him again but feels Naoya securing her. The children can be heard squealing in tears at the top of their lungs as their parents struggle to function well enough to gather the kids. “Why…This is…?! Naoya!”, she’s already crying as he takes hold of her. The clamor of fear booming around them was almost too much all together but it abruptly silences as a warm liquid sprays her and Naoya. In what seemed like slow motion, the entire family and table was crushed into the pavement, leaving nothing but a compressed pile of bones and flesh where their beautiful faces used to be. She can’t move. She can’t avert her eyes. She can only watch in absolute horror.

               “Oh my God…”, Naoya is also left otherwise speechless and mortified as the high chairs can still be made out due to their green color, amongst the mounds of human tissue. He calls out to Elska who is back in his arms but she’s unresponsive and hysterical. Toji flies past them and Naoya screams when he watches his cousin shred through a businessman before turning to one of the middle-aged women, tearing her arms off simultaneously. The woman screams but soon falls into shock and seizes on the ground. “TOJI!!”, Naoya finds himself crying too, shaking while Toji uses his strength to literally rip through the innocent humans. “Holy fuck…he’s going to kill them all!”, his cries are muffled as he dips his face into Elska’s hair, not knowing how to react. He needs to stop his cousin but understanding that this is an attack, he doesn’t want to leave Elska alone. “Baby… What do I do?!”, he sobs with her. The others that were outside with them are unable to open the door to the building for some reason and he perceives another of the businessmen try to make a break for the water. Naoya screams again as he helplessly watches Toji tackle him and tear the man’s neck from his shoulders. Toji now turns around eerily and targets him while the remaining survivors cower and mentally decompose. ��With wide eyes, Naoya picks Elska up and activates his projection technique. He feels so heavy when he engages it and can’t understand why Toji is getting closer as he exerts his full force into the speed. ‘It’s not working!’, the weight of the dread hindering his usual decisiveness brings him to a new low as he surmounts the worse of outcomes. He holds Elska tighter and says through his cries, “Baby, you have to run. I need you to run.”. He’s not sure if he’s going to make it out of this but knows it will be worth it as long as she escapes. His heart breaks while he lowers her down fearing that this will be the last time they’ll see each other. He shouts with urgency as tears stream down his face, “RUN ELSKA!”.

She’s aware that she’s being placed back on her feet but feels so cold without Naoya’s body heat. “The children…”, she’s still in shock. Upon looking around she notices the other bodies, at least 2 overlapping each other near the door leading inside. She stands there, dazed and numb until the restaurant and all neighboring buildings explode. The powerful shock wave sends her flying towards the water as she feels a blunt object hit her side accompanied by internal cracking. Moments pass as she lies there incoherent as multiple smaller explosions erupt from the establishments around them. Her ears are ringing loudly. She tries to push herself off of the ground but her equilibrium is shot so she falls over to her right side. Her eyes are struggling to focus but when they do, she sees that the object that likely cracked her ribs is some poor man’s mangled leg. She can’t make out her own voice but she cries for Naoya and shuts her eyes to the fear that him and Toji were caught in the blast. Her own bloodcurdling sounds now make way to her ears, finding she doesn’t recognize her own voice. Only when she can feel her body being jostled around do her eyes unfasten.

Naoya was thrown into a table near the edge of the patio. He feels the burns lacing up his body as he stumbles over to Elska. She’s covered in cuts from the glass and can tell she’s not breathing normally but is alive. ‘BABY!”, he scoops her up into his arms but they fall backward since he’s yet to fully regain his senses. He sits up and tries again while looking around and witnesses the gore and destruction. His breath is hitched in his throat as he sees the dismembered pieces of people all around them, some bits floating in the water nearby. He’s crying again as he struggles to his feet with her, “Baby, we have to run!”, is all he can say as his eyes finally spot the wings. “TOJI!”, he wails as he sees the charred feathers, it looking like he suffered burns as well. He finally is able to stand up and releases more tears when he sees Toji stirring. “Thank fucking God…”. He checks around for other survivors but is unable to make out anything amongst the body parts and debris. To his left a table is crushed right before his eyes, leaving a depression into the concrete. ‘Getou’. His eyes widen when he hears Toji release another wild call. “Baby…”, he shakes Elska, trying to get her to respond. “BABY YOU HAVE TO SNAP OUT OF IT!”, and panics as Toji growls and picks up speed towards them. “SHIT!”, he places Elska back down, straining from his melted skin and whispers in tears, “I love you Elska, forever.”, before charging the best he could towards Toji.

She heard him. His voice itself guided her out of her own mind and back to the disaster that’s before them. She fully comes to when she sees Naoya and Toji exchanging energy. Upon trying to stand, she sways but doesn’t fall and has yet to realize all of her wounds as the adrenaline kicks in. She screams feverishly at the two men to stop but is forced to watch them struggle against each other, Toji having the upper hand as he seems to have lost his usual reservation. “NAOYA!”. The scene around her is completely disturbing as the heat from the flaming buildings add to the smell of over-cooked flesh. She starts running towards Naoya and Toji but an unfamiliar voice calls out to her so she turns around to see where it came from.

               “Elska Oda!”, Genghis hollers out as Getou and the other Titers now manifest into view. Genghis is especially thrilled by the scene and claps his hands together in praise to Toji’s handiwork. “He has surpassed my expectations greatly!”, He nudges Getou joyously as his pupil studies Elska. He as well takes in how bloodied Elska is and wishes that she wouldn’t have been harmed in the process.

               When she sees Getou, Elska completely snaps. “YOU FUCKING DID THIS?!”, and forms her metal wings instantly. “I am going to fucking tear you APAAAART!”, she growls before trying to charge him blindly. She’s consumed with rage as she thinks about the children, the unsuspecting innocents and Toji and Naoya. “FUCKING COWARD!”, she screams at him and is almost taken back by how remorseful his expression is.

               Lidia was hoping this would happen. “Winged bitch.”, she mutters while drawing her arm back, aiming her spear. ‘I knew she wasn’t right for Master Suguru…’. She notices Toji become aware of her actions and gets freaked out, so she hurls the weapon towards Elska before he can get any closer. Naoya can be seen trying to run towards Elska. To her dismay, she hears Getou scream for her to stop but it had already left her hands. She turns to him, “She’s trying to kill you Master Suguru!”, and feels her heart stop as he finally looks at her but with absolute abhorrence and wrath. She watches Getou try to stop the spear with gravity but he’s unable to.

               Elska was so furious that she didn’t even think about how utterly moronic attacking head on would be. The spear is heading straight for her, leaving no time to react as she simply failed to notice it because of her focus on Getou. Knowing that she’s about to be impaled only fuels her more though as she can’t let this opportunity go to waste. Right before what she assumed were possibly her last moments, she briefly closes her eyes and tries to remember all the good she’s experienced up until this point. The laughs and love she’s received and shared with Satoru, Toji, Naoya and everyone else flood her as she’s so desperate to live but is willing to throw it all away for their safety. ‘I have to kill him.’. The end never comes but her soul leaves her body along with all of her sensibilities.

               Naoya staggers in front of her. He was able to use his projection at least this time but the look on her face shatters his heart as he follows her eyes down to see the spear’s large tip sticking out of his sternum. “B…Bab…y…”, he feels the world spinning around him as he falls, no longer having the ability to remain on his feet. He hears Elska shriek and feels her warmth but he can’t focus his eyes or make them stay open. “Bab…y…” is all he can manage to articulate. ‘I made it...’, soothes his mind as blood pours from his smiling mouth.

               Toji dashes past them towards the Titers and manages to kill one upon contact. Elska heard the short-lived cries but finds solace in it as she attempts to catch Naoya. They both fall to the ground and the spear tip punctures her hip. She frantically tries to lay him on his side in a specific manner and sobs as she brushes the hair away from his eyes. Using her wings, she slices open her wrist and holds Naoya’s mouth open to force her blood into him but her arm is shaking so violently that it’s causing her essence to get all over his face and neck. “FUCK! NAOYA!”, she yells through her tears as she’s desperate to save him. “My prince…please…you can’t…”, she heaves in shuddering breaths, “You can’t leave me!”. She attempts to take a deep breath but there’s no calming down, he’s barely taking the blood even when some lands into his mouth. “Naoya…please…no…”. She’s met with a choice but before she can decide for herself the ancestral guide within barrels through her.

               “TURN HIM.”

               She absolves all of her previous restraint on the matter and doesn’t hesitate. After repositioning and somewhat side straddling Naoya, she turns around to see all of the Titers fending off Toji except two. Getou and a shorter but older man are both watching her but with different expressions. Getou looks mystified, probably not understanding because he thinks Naoya is already dead. The other man, next to him, appears to be brimming with anticipation. She says nothing to them as she places her left hand over Naoya’s heart, becoming submerged with relief as it still beats, albeit faintly but then it stops. She screams his name while her world disintegrates.

“SAVE HIM!”.

When she feels the surge of ancient energy course in her veins, she leans down into her prince’s neck and whispers, “I love you Naoya. Please…stay here with me.”. She licks the targeted area and pierces him immediately afterwards.

               Toji is taken out of his hypnotic ferocity when he feels Elska’s energy shift. His eyes come clear as he’s surrounded by five Titers. “ELSKA!” He can’t see her initially and panics as his recent actions immobilize his mind. ‘I…killed…I did that?’. Through his own eyes he saw everything but was unable to stop. The complete devastation that was caused by the explosion rocks him again and his frustration with everything happening reaches its peak. He releases a wave of energy that sends all of the Titer’s flying backwards with superficial injuries but can finally can see her. He drops to his knees when he takes in the spear that’s lodged through Naoya and strains into a cry that has no sound. He now understands what Elska is doing and although he’s always hated the idea, he’s not ready to say goodbye to his younger cousin so he finds himself hoping with every cell he’s made from that she’s successful. He hurriedly crawls over to them, becoming more distressed as the details of Naoya’s condition are more apparent. Violet energy travels over Naoya’s body and he jolts like she’s shocking his heart but is otherwise completely still and pale aside from his burns. He hears her moan as she drinks and sees the tears running down her face. Her presence darkens immediately and he holds his breath as he waits worriedly to gauge her. When Elska lifts her head from Naoya’s neck, Toji finds himself overcome with a foreign emotion. Her eyes glow bright purple still but the green dashes are clearly visible and for the first time ever, Toji’s welcoming this. He darts his eyes down to Naoya and notices he’s breathing, “Boy don’t scare me like that ever again…”, and bends down to wrap his arms around Naoya’s head as he was frightened that Naoya wouldn’t have been sustainable in that state. He goes to pick Naoya up but Elska stops him and says in the lowly voice, “He’s safer on the ground, as are you, my beloved.”. Her expression doesn’t feign any emotion but she grips the handle of the spear hanging out of his back and splinters it with ease but holds onto it. With wild eyes she looks down at Naoya, brushing the hair from his face and seethes, “If this doesn’t work, I will enslave and destroy this entire world.”. She now calmly stands up and turns around to head in the direction of the Titers. “My beloved, protect him.”.

               Genghis just fell in love. As the true Elska walks towards them he finds himself in complete awe to her presence and mannerisms. “Even covered in blood…”, he sighs and notes how lucky Suguru is. He leans over to his pupil who has become shaken by her switch, “I think we just witnessed Zenin’s rebirth!”. Getou turns to him with an angry face and asks, “How the fuck is any of this good?!”. Suguru wears the expression of a man who has been betrayed but Genghis brushes it off and chalks it up to shock. Seeing that Suguru was not mentally up to the task right now, Genghis smirks and raises his hands high in the air as he takes two steps towards Elska, gesturing that he would like to engage in conversation. In a composed and submissive tone, he tells her, “Miss Oda, there’s something I must do for you.”.

               Getou finds himself disgusted by how the plan was enacted. When he engaged his gravity to crush the tables, he didn’t realize there were children present. It reminds him of Kechi all over again and his rage slowly becomes directed towards his mentor. He’s unnerved by how happy Genghis is and finally puts more weight into the idea that something is wrong with him. Watching Elska approach them with the frayed spear handle, he feels the absolute urge to defend her as he no longer knows what to expect but understands this whole situation has only fueled her hatred for him. ‘She thinks this was my idea…’, he glares over at Lidia and desires to smash her into the concrete beneath them as her actions were severely out of line. Elska’s desperation over Naoya wrecked his cold demeanor as the sheer sounds of her breaking in front of him were not as sweet as he once imagined. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling these things but he comprehends that somewhere along the way, he stopped hating her and begins to question if he ever really did to begin with.

               Elska stops out of curiosity. It makes no difference to her but she’s intrigued by the Titer Man’s lack of fear. “Proceed.”, is all she says. She becomes more entertained by him when he grabs the red headed girl who threw the spear and brings her back to where he was standing. He announces, “My name is Temujin Genghis, I lead the Titer clan and I am hoping we can be friends. This is Lidia…”, Elska smirks with approval as Genghis jerks her head around by her curly long locks, “…When she attacked you, that was of her own accord. I have never carried any intentions of causing you harm, I admire you deeply.”. Elska can’t help but acknowledge that every word said seems to be truthful although she’s still not moved. She walks up coolly as Lidia struggles, trying to explain her side of the story. Elska sends her glowing red eyes at Genghis who pleasurably shivers into a smile before she turns her attention to the girl and wrenches her grip around her face. In the same lowly and demanding tone she says, “You…you misjudged your situation and threw that spear into my prince.”. Elska notices that the words sting Getou but he seems unphased by the girl being in peril. ‘I see.’. Elska brings her hand into the Lidia’s hair, yanks her head to the side and exposes her fangs. Getou’s eyes shoot open and she keeps her glowing gaze on him and she bites down into the girl’s neck, causing Lidia to moan loudly from the sensation.

Getou can’t take his eyes from Elska as she drinks. He’s so perplexed by Lidia’s reaction as she continues to moan and whimper and wonders why that would be happening. ‘Does it feel good?’, he asks internally but his question is answered as he recalls how territorial Naoya was about her feeding. His lips part as the realization hits him fully and he whispers, “The missing piece of the puzzle…”. Elska flashes him an evil smirk after lifting her head back up as if to help sanction his uncertainties. Suguru is feeling like she’s making a show out of biting Lidia for him alone and is severely confused by her actions.

Lidia has no idea what that was but as the sensation fades, she’s still gasping whimpers. She feels Genghis tug on her hair again and can feel that he’s forming an erection as its pressed against her from his hold. Through her eyelashes she sees Elska glaring into her with superiority but is now noticing that her neck is still bleeding. ‘What…was that?’, she wishes she could see Suguru but instead her eyes take to Toji. His bore holes into her as he bears his fangs maliciously from afar.

Elska wipes her mouth, bringing her concentration back on Lidia and continues, “It’s such a shame…all of this natural beauty is wasted on such a stupid woman.”. Elska was able to decipher the girl with ease and if she could feel anything, it would be pity for the distressed damsel.  Elska speaks to Getou while lifting the spear handle up, “This woman is in love with you and she threw the spear to be rid of her biggest obstacle.”. She grabs Lidia’s face again and smiles maniacally, ��Me.”. When she tightens her grip, she hears Genghis’s heart start to race and thinks of how strange of a human he is for being so turned on. Looking back to Lidia she says, “Your entire life has been pointless but today you gave me my prince. I would thank you if you were worth it…”. Elska now watches the horror blanket Lidia’s expression as she brings her arm back. “…But you’re not.”, and aggressively flails her wings and laughs as the girl flinches and wails with regret. “Since you don’t use them well…”, she steps aside so Naoya can be in the girl’s view, “…I don’t see why you should be burdened with these anymore.”. She quickly jabs the jagged handle into both of Lidia’s eyes with precision. She closes her own and inhales satisfyingly as the screams erupt through the air and opens them to smile at the leaking vitreous fluid running down Lidia’s reddened face as she panics to being brutally blinded. Elska thinks about Naoya again and finds that was not enough so she takes the handle and violently shoves it downwards into Lidia’s throat, penetrating it through the back of her neck. The woman still lives but is clearly distraught by the mutilation and struggles to breathe. Elska hisses, “Stupid woman.”, but then takes a few steps back while scowling at the pathetic redhead.

               Toji stands up now, ‘Master…’. He can’t believe what he just saw but is enthralled by the revenge. He knows this isn’t his Elska but is reassured that her in this form was extremely beneficial. He wonders though, ‘Why is she toying with them?’. He looks down at his cousin with heartache until he notices, ‘He stopped bleeding!’, but is still worried as he hasn’t figured out how they’re going to remove the giant spear. Naoya starts violently seizing so he cries out, “ELSKA!”, and looks to her, being completely confused by the smile along her lips. He remains by Naoya’s side, trying to steady him because of the spear. Tears well in his eyes as Naoya flops next to him but he hears Elska’s voice in his mind, “Don’t fret my beloved, that means it’s working...”. His head snaps up in amazement as her eyes meet his. He thinks, ‘Did I just imagine that?’, but jumps when he hears her again, “No you did not. We are able to communicate like this.”. Instantly, he’s brought back to the day he fed from his cousin and how he swore he could sense and hear her screams, becoming marveled. He listens to Lidia’s gurgled broken shrieks of terror but finds they don’t bother him one bit. Naoya settles back into the ground which causes Elska to whip her head in his direction with a hint of disbelief on her face. Toji becomes startled again as he looks back down to Naoya but he hears her, “His transformation is rather rapid…”. Regaining his hope after being fed this knowledge, he unintentionally lets out a grateful sob. He looks to Elska and thinks, ‘Tell me when.’. Toji knew from the moment he saw the green dashes that she was going to hopelessly decimate them. This Elska holds such immense power and was completely ruthless, being the exact and only reason he happy to see her switch.

               Genghis is smitten by this version of Elska and is enthusiastic about demonstrating this fact to her. He pushes Lidia to the ground, lodging the handle deeper through her flesh and places a foot on her back before saying, “Miss Oda, I would be more than pleased if you would accept this act as a token of Master Suguru’s and my own affection.”. He leans down to grab Lidia’s red curls again while she struggles in absolute fear and pins her underneath his left foot. She screams, “Master Suguru!”, or it at least sounded like that could be it but Genghis takes his right leg from ground and bends his knee, balancing on her spine while pulling back on her head. He sighs breathlessly when Elska grins to the obvious pain Lidia is experiencing and although he would like to relish this moment, he kicks his right leg out. He can feel the trauma to her cervical vertebrae vibrate through her bones the moment she finally silences. He takes notice to how the handle was launched back out her mouth as it now lays, bloodied in front of them. ‘Godddd it feels so good to finally be able to do that…’, he speaks internally as he releases her hair, allowing her head and body to bounce off of the ground and straightens his posture.

               Getou stands in complete disbelief, ‘That’s what he meant by Lidia’s purpose?!’. He’s not upset by her death but he finds himself in complete incredulity from listening to how his mentor behaves around this Elska. He thinks about how spearing Naoya was the wrong route to take now as he can sense the darkness and hostility still seeping from her. Suguru can tell how strong she is by her presence and finally understands why Genghis has been so adamant about her cooperation. ‘Would I be able to overpower her?’, he’s convinced that he isn’t capable and wonders how his mentor can seem so calm in this situation. ‘Does he want her for himself?’, Suguru doesn’t actually believe that but wonders where this strange fascination for her came from. He looks back over to Elska who stands stoically as her smile fades back to that resting ominous expression. He feels like he’s supposed to say something when she looks at him. The cold chill that runs down his back compels him to bow to her, “Elska, I apologize for hurting you in the past.”, but finds that somewhere in him, he actually meant it. He slowly brings his body back upright and feels his tension skyrocket as she near him.

Elska stands before Getou and raises her hand to his face. He flinches which causes her to grin and can see the look of uncertainty in Genghis’s expression. She quickly snatches Suguru’s hair and pulls him down to his knees, being enticed by his lack of resistance. He remains studying her but she can see his apprehension and enjoys causing him such muddle. She now grabs both sides of face and lowers hers down to hover over it. Toji’s presence can be felt magnetizing but thinks to him “I need more energy.”, but he doesn’t respond. She quietly speaks in her lowly tone to Suguru, “You would be suitable if you had you own thoughts…”, and gently kisses the scar on his cheek. He gasps with bewilderment as she thinks to give herself a little more time in this form. She whispers seductively, “I’m going to provide evidence for your suspicions…”, and sinks her fangs into him.

Suguru is stunned immediately as he feels the bliss circulate through him. It takes him a moment to realize that he’s moaning deeply and has even since placed his hands on Elska, holding her as she draws from him. His moans turn into whimpers as he clings to her waist and thigh all while not understanding how this feeling could be possible. He shuts his eyes as he feels his body give and fall to the side but she drops down with him in order to not break their connection. Titers start rushing towards him aggressively but hears Genghis say, “Do not interfere!”, with full authority. What his ears pick up now cause his eyes to roll back as Elska moans into his neck. He feels her presence surge back up but it lowers a little each time until she swallows. He now finds that the hand not supporting his weight is now wrapped in her hair and loosens his grip so that can be gentle. When she’s done, she closes his wounds and whines lowly, “You need more time but you could be worthy.”. Their eyes meet and she continues in a much colder tone, “Be weary of how you approach me in the future…and don’t you dare come after my lovers again.”, as he can see she’s lethally serious.

Genghis helps Suguru to his feet, trying to provide the balance for them both after Elska walks back to Toji. He struggles to steady his swaying pupil and can’t believe that she actually bit him right then and there. Getou is still heavily breathing with wide eyes that are fixated on her. He whispers, “That was incredible…”, and finds that Getou’s expression is now that of someone who longs for the other. He calls out sheepishly, “Th-Thank you for not harming him.”, and shifts their stance as Getou seems to be finding composure.

               Elska is so amused by these two. She has a much better understanding of Getou now that she experienced his taste. “Delicious.”, she states as she licks her fangs. Toji huffs out of spite and glares at her but she quickly whispers, “The hybrid isn’t here so that was necessary…”, noting that he doesn’t seem ok with is still. With all eyes on them, she turns to Toji and slowly pulls his head down towards her, giving the soft command, “Kiss me, my beloved.”. Toji’s eyes glow and his wings flutter even with the indecision plaguing his features. When their lips meet, she moans wholeheartedly as she found her turned’s touch to be completely intoxicating. His hesitancy remains although he’s kissing her back but she’s satisfied enough that he obeyed. She feels a weak signal from Naoya, and it steals her attention. He’s not gotten any worse but his energy is already changing. An emotion creeps into her dark heart and it aches as she remembers the actual love she harbors for her prince and Toji both. “I’m going to tend to you two right now.”, she whispers to Toji and nips his bottom lip. Elska knows for a fact that the Titers have more up their sleeve and wishes to draw a curtain on this charade for the sake of her lovers. She locks her lips to Toji’s once more, addicted to the way he feels. After their extended meeting, Elska turns her head to observe the two men’s reaction and laughs when they’re exactly what she predicted. Genghis watches with an endearing envy as Getou’s eyes express heartache. She looks over at the other Titers that are grouped together, on edge. “They will suffice.”. They’re all cowering to her but remain in a defensive stance, one of the men bears beautiful grey eyes but they’re trained on to Lidia’s body. She smirks and kisses Toji again but this time places her right hand flat against her chest and holds it there as her red lightning surrounds them. While experiencing Toji’s tongue, she extends her arm in the direction of the huddled Titers, bends her fingers and unleashes it. The red light travels so fast that three of the four Titers are unable to evade it, their bodies torn through by the energy while being crystalized at the same time. Genghis gasps in confusion as he seemed to think things were going his way. Blood pumps out of Elska’s wings into a pattern of symbols that surrounds her and Toji and then the markings glow. Toji ‘s eyes respond along with hers as his widen, remembering that same blood design around her in the park. She thinks to him, ‘I take life from death.’, and smiles to his wide-eyed nod. What’s left of the Titers bodies breaks down into a red powder, swirls into a vortex in the air and then travels gracefully over to Toji and Elska. The Titer dust blankets around their wounds and fuses with the exposed tissue, healing them both. She waves her hand to direct the remnants and sends it towards Naoya. As the glass shards push out of her body, she watches Toji’s burns become nonexistent and hums with gratification. Naoya’s presence increases as he’s rapidly healed, his burns disappearing as well. His wavelengths tell her he’s still in pain, even when unconscious but she knows it due to his body now rejecting the spear. “That should do it.”. She nudges her beloved to show him and listens to him exhale relief. “He’s taking to the change extremely well.”, she says to Toji confidently, hiding her bafflement of the rate in which the DNA synthesis is working. Her being in true form was surely going to speed up the process but he shouldn’t have such an intense aura already. She runs her hand down Toji’s chest while still studying Naoya, “He is going to be strong.”, and contemplates on his perfection, “Just like you.”.

               Genghis retracts his smile as soon as he realizes his fellow clansmen are no more and that things are not going as planned. ‘WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?!’. He turns to Getou who’s mirroring his wide eyes but doesn’t know how handle this right away. Not once in any of the futures he seen has this happened. He was aware of the possibility of alteration but this goes far beyond anything he prepared for. “Something’s wrong.”, he panics, “We won’t be able to take her.”, is all he can say as he thinks of what to do next. Sain appears by them as he was the one Titer that escaped her lightning and Genghis sighs being overjoyed that he at least survived.

               Getou is so astonished by what he witnessed and says, “We need to run.”. He’s still figuring out his new emotions but doesn’t mistake for a second that she won’t kill them too. He thinks of all of the times her importance has been reiterated to him and it finally makes sense. Suguru fails to see how he would be able to control her though and also now understands why Genghis has been pushing him to face his feelings about her. Now he has. The convergence of puzzle pieces lock together to form the bigger picture but he fears that he’s even further away from their goal of her affections as he gathers they’ve royally pissed her off with their actions. His mentor doesn’t seem as eager to flee and Suguru’s had about enough of his twisted games. He grabs Genghis in a panic, “WE NEED TO RUN!”.

               Genghis understands Getou’s reaction but turns to Sain, “I have the most daunting task for you but if you can achieve it, the rewards will be endless…”, and passes him a syringe filled with sedative. This will shift all of their plans but he knows there’s really not another choice left at this point. He may even be foolish for attempting this. He brings stern eyes to Getou and whispers, “We need leverage first.”.

               Elska watches the third Titer disappear into thin air and becomes aggravated by their inability to take her seriously. Her collected demeanor fades momentarily when she senses him behind them, near Naoya. She bears her fangs and roars as she launches herself towards the man while he bends down over him. She salivates at the idea of ripping his throat out but before she can reach him, he disappears again. She ends up having to use her wings to slow her speed so she can lean over Naoya to make sure he’s not been harmed further. The emotions that usually flow through her begin to resurface as she becomes weary for his safety while searching his body, noticing the spear has almost worked its way out. She sighs gratefully, “My prince…” and feels the love for him melt away at her ability to maintain her form so she steps away, ‘There’s still more to do first.’. She hears Genghis yell, “We will be in contact!”, but quickly snaps her head when she hears Toji struggling. Getou can be heard screaming, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”, and before she knew it, she was racing against time trying to reach her beloved that has fallen limp in the third Titer’s hold with a needle sticking out of his arm. She howls in anguish when her finger tips grasp at nothing, revealing the stark fact that she was too late. They took Toji with them. She doesn’t even breathe as her failure boils through. Looking up to the sky she cries out the demonic like sound while her energy releases a tremoring wave that further devastates the structures that remain around her. When the wave travels into the restaurant, it fans in oxygen, further feeding the flames and she can’t help but think the heat has nothing on rage inside of her. She continues to send out wave after wave until the building begins to crumble and she remembers that she still has Naoya who is defenseless. “My beloved…”, she whimpers under her breath as her presence begins to fade knowing that her time in this state is up, feeling heavy. She walks over to where Naoya lays and drops to her knees beside him. Tears fall from her face as she takes his hand and asks, “What do I do?”. Feeling hopeless and exhausted, she lays down next to him and curls up near his chest while his unconscious body faces her. “I lost Toji…”. After a few minutes of sobbing into Naoya she feels her awareness fading and clings to him desperately. She hears her name being screamed following by her body being lifted off of the ground and against someone’s warmth. The last thing she sees before completely passing out is Satoru’s teary eyes.

               “ELSKA!”, his voice is distant as her limbs relax, not having any strength left.

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tagging: @angelofthorr

[lemmesimpinpeace]

Louis Moriarty Random Fluff (feat. Albert & William)

Louis makes his way upstairs with the mail in his hand, while simultaneously combing through all the envelopes on his way to the family room. He made sure to look up every so often to not stumble or miss his step. Majority of them are plain and sealed with official like stamps addressed to the head of household, and the remainder from different universities. Louis thought: “offer letters to try to persuade William to leave Durham University and become a professor at one of their schools instead huh.” In other words, the usual. He lets out a small sigh of exasperation. Finally, he stood atop the stairs about to continue walking to his destination when he made an abrupt stop. As he was sifting through the mail (mostly addressed to his elder brothers), he came across something strange. It was a small pink envelope with his name as addressee. He hardly ever gets mail, much less decorative ones such as this.

He noticed immediately the letters written in beautiful calligraphy and the missing return address. How interesting, he thought. He doesn’t say it aloud but he has a sneaking suspicion about the contents inside this envelope. “Hmph. How troublesome.” That was all he said out loud, before he began to feel shy and embarrassed. He then decides he’ll read the letter later in private. He hides the envelope inside his inner breast pocket attached to his tailcoat. He looks up and continues walking forward, now faster than before. Why is he suddenly in a rush to give his brother’s their mail, who can say?

Opening the door, he steps inside to see Albert and William sitting directly across from each other. Both preoccupied with their respective tasks. Albert sorting through documents from work on his favorite armchair and William sitting upright on the couch grading school papers . However they both look up when Louis enters the room.

Curious, Albert laid down his documents and asked: “Ah, the mail arrived. Anything interesting Louis?” Louis doesn’t answer and simply hands each brother their envelopes. He turns away and in a barely audible tone he whispers “nothing of the sort.” Albert and William locked eyes and without saying a word knew what the other was thinking. That is: their dear little brother was lying and hiding something. In order to uncover the truth and still poke fun, William half-jokingly snorts “ you don’t sound very convincing Louis. If you're going to fib, at least put more heart into it.” Albert nodded his head in agreement with William's statement and replied: “you’re absolutely right, Will. It pains my heart to learn that our dear Louis does not trust us enough to keep his secret.” He said that last part in a rather dramatic tone.

Louis turns around to face his brothers and looks somewhat dumbfounded after seeing his brothers catch on to his lie so quickly. He sighs once more and realizes it's pointless to continue lying to them. He begins to slowly take the pink envelope out from his tailcoat. But not before telling his eldest “there is no need to be so dramatic. I'll show it to the both of you.” Albert says nothing, only chuckles in response. Once the envelope is in full view, both of his elders laugh and congratulate him. They were able to ascertain what the item was right away, how expected of them Louis thought. Albert says: ``Look how popular you are little brother; you even have a secret admirer. How lovely.” William chimes in right after: “of course. Louis has grown into such a fine gentleman. It's understandable that he would have admirers.” He gives him a wink.

Hearing both of his brothers speak about him in such a manner makes him embarrassed but slightly pleased. He attempts to change the subject saying: “*ahem* Anyways, that is all the post I have for today. Now if you'll excuse me, I will begin preparing today’s lunch. He places the envelope inside his breast pocket once more, turns away and starts to head towards the exit. However, Albert speaks up just in time: ”now you wait just a moment, aren’t you going to open it.” The amusement in his voice was evident.

“Yes, we are very curious to hear what your admirer says.” William adds. “No.” Louis says, firmly with his back still facing them. He feels his cheeks and ears grow hot for what he’s about to say next: “I wish to read the contents inside this envelope in private. It is addressed to myself and myself alone. Now if you’ll please excuse me.” He exits into the hallway but not before hearing William laugh and respond “That is absolutely okay Louis. We were just teasing, no need to sound so serious.” “Indeed, we respect your decision. But, in case you do change your mind, we'll be right here!” Albert adds before seeing Louis slip completely out of view. Alone again, and this time inside the kitchen, Louis pulls out the envelope. Finally, curiosity overwhelms him and he opens it right away. He takes out and unfolds the white sheet of paper inside. He reads the letter...

This person wrote about how thankful they were able to meet someone like him in their lifetime. And despite only being able to see and interact with him only two times a month, they cherished every moment. The information he chose to share with them about his life, though very brief and extremely vague, made them feel happy. This person apologized for being a coward and not confessing in person, for they feared it would be unwise. For they knew his heart was out of reach, but not because he was an unkind or dismissive person, it was because they sensed that his mind and heart was already preoccupied with something greater. Moreover, they recognized him for his kindness and honorable nature. He was never one to look down upon them and always showed genuine interest in hearing them talk about their life. Never failed to treat them as an equal --a human being, with dignity and respect. Such a thing is unheard of among noblemen such as himself. He truly was an inspiration. They made reference to his brothers, the ones he spoke so highly about at times, that they should also feel grateful to have a person like him worry and take care of them. Finally, he reached the end of the semi long letter, this person thanked him for his time and for having read the letter in its entirety. They also confessed to purposefully writing this letter shortly before they left the country permanently. Meaning, by the time he receives this letter they would already have left. That being said, they still hope to see him again one day if they should ever return to Great Britain. They will continue to pray for his happiness and wellbeing. The last sentence reads: “with all my love, please take care.”

With that, he folded the letter and placed it back inside the envelope; which he then put back into his inner breast pocket. He stood in place silently for a few seconds before a small smile crept upon his face. He then walked over to grab his apron to start preparing lunch as promised.

Notes:

Once again, most likely OOC but I’m still proud of this. This was based on some random headcannon I had that the Moriarty brothers get fan mail from time to time because of how handsome they are lol. I hope someone enjoys this.

[faelapis]

so. while this was confirmed a year ago, new tweets by ian jq have reawakened the discourse about humans being the first intelligent life gems encountered. note intelligent life, not organic life. alien animals still died from previous invasions, but humans are the first intelligent creatures gems encountered. 

apparently, the party line on twitter (where nuance goes to die) is that it’s too “convenient” that humans are the first other intelligent species gems met.

i take a few issues with that assessment: 

a) “it was pink’s first colony, isn’t it convenient the diamond concerned with organic life owns the first planet populated by intelligent organics? wouldn’t they have died if any other diamond got them? isn’t that super lucky?”

no. we know rose/pink was very interested in organic life from before earth. she always thought aliens were cool, interesting, fun, and liked learning about them and keeping some as pets - such as the rainbow worms. we know she visited the others’ colonies, even if she doesn’t own them. she’s the only diamond who is simultaneously “selfish” enough to visit colonies up-close on a whim because it’s fun AND doesn’t see herself as too good to play with local organics.

so, then, why on earth (hah) wouldn’t she care if there had been intelligent life on any of the other planets? she didn’t fight for earth just because she “owned” it. she cared because she was able to form connections to humans... which she would have done regardless of which diamond’s colony it was. if anything, ownership is a hindrance to her usual romps, because blue & yellow expected her to stay put in her moon base. smile and wave. be a “leader”. 

b) “how is it realistic that humans are the first intelligent life gems have met?”

the SU universe as a whole is not a universe filled with life. it has been framed as cold, animalistic, overall lifeless, purposeless, and one in which you gaze at an empty sky and beg for an authority figure to give your life meaning. this works much, much better if life, especially intelligent life, is incredibly sparse. they are small flickers in a cold void. it adds to the feeling that both humans and gems feel of loneliness and pointlessness, where you create these intricate structures of organized almost-religion to feel devoted to a purpose. this existentialism, which we will explore further below, is a huge part of SU’s themes.

c) another theme - and this one is important - is that gems and humans have been treated as this mirror parallel of life, people, and society (tm) for the entire runtime of the show. hence, steven as the bridge. a bridge, usually, connects two sides, not five. they are more similar than they are different - to the point where you can use gemkind to comment on how humans are like, and see some of the horrors and tragedy of what humanity looks like “from the outside”. not once has there ever been implied to be any other intelligent species to disrupt this elegant, thematic dichotomy. ever. 

d) unlike fanon speculation, the show has always been very careful about never implying there were any previous rebellions. SU is not a star wars-esque universe populated with a million different intelligent species and cyclical rebellions + alliances between them. it is a big, cold, empty void, with tiny pockets of fragile life. which is part of why the connection between two alien species is so remarkable. it is the exception, not the rule.

e) many of us who looked at homeworld in a not-badfaith light already came to the conclusion that humans are probably the only intelligent life they’ve met. (based on what we know about the universe, its logic, the themes, the implications of other colonies, pink diamond’s personality, no other species ever bonded with enough to fight for, etc etc,)... and those of us who did, including myself, have (lovingly!!) compared the crystal gems to hippies or eco-terrorists. this 100% holds up to how homeworld gems generally, and the diamonds specifically, see them. 

this is why blue thinks a “solution” to pink being sad about the invasion is to create the zoo. it’s a petty conflict, from her perspective, of environmentalism vs conservationism. like how, if a capitalist is kinda sad about a rainforest being bulldozed, you might as well just take some pretty toucans and panthers and stick them in a zoo. they’re preserved for humans to enjoy. problem “solved”. it worked with the kyanite colony & rainbow worms, why not here?

this is part of why lapis accuses the CGs of not caring about gemkind. they put this silly little dirtball above gemkind, starting a war that hurt (”real”) people? 

this is also why pink, mocking the other diamonds, says “you wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? ha! don't be absurd!”. gemkind needs resources to create more gems. so, to the diamonds, of course that’s more important than Making The Bees and Monkeys Sad. they’re not even directly killing them, they’re just taking resources. it’s not “””their fault””” they need ‘em too, gems are more important. the same way, to us, humans are always the most important. many of us don’t give a damn about how we hurt animals.

f) it galls me that anything but the darkest possible interpretation, even when it makes perfect sense with what we know, is always seen as “convenient” by people who watched nostalgia critic once and think they’re now great media critics. i saw similar comments to jasper being brought back to life, even though it made perfect sense with what’s implied about the powers of the diamonds. most of that, too, was woven together by paying close attention to implication, not outright stated in a lore dump - but that doesn’t make it “convenient” in the bad way. it makes it the logical outcome of this world, if you paid attention.

like jasper coming back to life, it also told us something thematic about the diamonds’ absolute power over life & death. steven is kinda horrified, even if it’s a good thing, that things can ever be fixed. he still feels like he needs to be “punished”. he holds this toxic mindset that punishment is more important than healing, because of the pit of self-harm he’s fallen into... which is kind of how some people see the diamonds, and the world as a whole. 

even if things can get better, it doesn’t matter. at least not as much as punishing and distancing ourselves from the “bad people”. even though, actually, things CAN get better, and that’s more dependent on systemic change than it is on punishing “bad” individuals... that doesn’t fascinate them. it’s a fucked-up idea of “consequences” that is sadly prevalent in fandoms: they’d rather the world be doomed if they get to kill the bad people for it, than the world being slowly healed in this bittersweet way that includes everyone.

and i’m tired of that. on the whole, fiction is a reflection of this very dour, justice-oriented view of the world where we can only gain satisfaction from punishing the bad guys responsible. SU’s response to that is, that actually, just this once... no! the world gets better, and the “how” doesn’t revolve around individual punishment. it’s trying to heal everyone. 

g) it seems to me that for a substantial amount of people, “convenience” has less to do with the themes and logic of the world than it does with wanting canon to live up to their fanon image of homeworld and the diamonds. even if that means a ton of offscreen intelligent life dying Just for the sake of a 1-v-1 earth-vs-gems conflict, with no agency in the story. i don’t understand how that would make it better. all other life we’ve seen have been animals. pink was around for other colonies - even if she didn’t personally “own” them - yet didn’t care deeply enough to fight for them. because she couldn’t bond with worms the same way as humans. (yknow, unfortunately, for the worms :’<)

also, you don’t NEED other species of intelligent life to have been made extinct to still have a somewhat cynical interpretation of the diamonds’ intentions here. even if it makes the world less grimdark in praxis. it’s not enough to be aware of humans in the abstract, blue and yellow still won’t listen. you need to actually interact with humans in order to learn about / care for organics that don’t serve a purpose in your system. this was just the first chance gemkind had to do so. it makes sense that some would be curious, while others more jaded and dismissive, after encountering a universe mostly made of the lifeless & animals.

to give the other diamonds some credit, they’ve probably encountered plenty organic life, and thus have built up a bias that everyone but gemkind are aimless, animalistic life forms, and its up to them to give themselves purpose. why should humans be any different? oh wow, they live in groups? big whoop. so do ants. they build nests? so do birds. they babble? so do parrots and rainbow worms. they still serve no purpose. they still die if you breathe on them.

it’s only when blue meets greg - thousands of years later - that we see even the tiniest of cracks, in which blue is made aware of some level of emotional intelligence, but is still firmly entrenched in the view that he’s just a Slightly more advanced organic than others. like... puppies comforting you. she was surprised he could even do that much. this was a slow process for rose as well! 

but anyway, at the point of the war, to many gems, they are concerned first and foremost with gemkind. life matters because of your singular, gem-oriented “purpose”... but some gems, like pink, who never saw herself as a justified goddess, take the opposite approach. they don’t see themselves as “above” other life out of either lack of awareness of the capabilities of intelligent life forms or a self-appointed Higher Purpose. they’re curious, and then, willing to fight for life they can bond with, once they learn to love. 

which brings me to...

h) how a big theme of the show as a whole is selflessness vs selfishness. 

here, the crystal gems as a whole have actually been on the side of selfishness, from homeworld’s perspective. the end of gathering resources would mean they would no longer create more gems. which, to HW, is selfish. which... of course it is, if you think you’re the only intelligent life out there. 

the way homeworld gems express themselves is through an elaborate system of self-perpetuation and creation, in which the emergence of more gems is a higher purpose for the collective. the individual doesn’t matter. to them, the random creatures they find on other planets do not matter. they’re just organics.

humans matter to pink because she’s, like i said, curious about alien life, and less convinced about her own purpose... but also more personal, relationship-driven, and cares about what happens the specific individuals she subjectively bonds with, rather than prioritizing the overall “needs” of her species, like a good queen bee is “supposed” to do. 

homeworld thinks that no individual feelings - even a diamond’s - is more important than perpetuating of the system that gives their species meaning. most gems are happy to be shattered for that cause, because they’ve never formed those “selfish” relationships that makes life worth living without purpose. so actually, yes, this works with pink’s motivation, and blue and yellow not being as easily swayed works with theirs.

(all of this is extremely relevant to the arc steven has in “future”, btw. he needs a reason to be needed, purpose. and pearl’s arc, white diamond’s arc, jasper’s arc, etc etc - living for purpose vs living for relationships and selfish exploration of the self is a massive theme of the whole show!! at leaast if you pay attention to anything more subtle than merely “here’s a lore dump!”, which the show has always avoided. it’s more sublime than that. you, too, are supposed to only have a small, subjective understanding of the world, like steven does, which teaches you to value subjective perspectives. your purpose is not higher than the agency of others, and you shouldn’t control the world.)

i) it makes dramatic sense, actually, to center the conflict around the first time gems have met another species that stand a chance of understanding them! hence steven is a bridge. that’s a good basis for mirroring two species, a conflict that raises interesting questions about how we, too, see non-human life, the premium we place on emotional connection vs “purpose”, and how even when we learn to value humans that are different from us, we might still fuck around and bulldoze a rainforest, if it’s convenient and we can justify it internally. 

and again, it’s more logical. as we know it, the story went “long ago, gems took resources all over the universe, until pink found a species intelligent enough some of them learned to bond with on a deeper level than Cool Pet Worm”, NOT “long ago, gems zapped a bunch of intelligent species - which we will not mention ever, or give any agency in the story - and pink just ignored that, until she randomly decided humans were more important than all those, for no reason, even though she’d met countless intelligent species before”. 

the former makes more sense in ~every reading of canon, be it thematic, logical, personal, character-driven, etc~... except the one most favored by SU’s most badfaith of critics, which is that the only “logical” way for the story to go is one in which we can safely label the diamonds as inhumanly, unchangably bad, rather than having base assumptions, motivations and logics that aren’t so different from many non-dictator humans.

i think for some, they protest not because that makes more sense on a thematic, logical or character level, but simply because they want to. they’re USED to being fed that narrative satisfaction has to do with seeing the bad guys face comeuppance, in place of inclusive, welfare-oriented healing. faced with storytelling that rejects their view of justice while also openly being subjective, sublime, and loving of all of its characters, not just the “nice” ones, they see it as a “failure” to be what they’re used to. 

if the world CAN systemically heal in a way that includes people you personally don’t forgive, that must be a “flaw”. if those “bad guys” haven’t actually killed hundreds of intelligent species offscreen who have no chance to heal, that doesn’t fuel your justification for the most cynical interpretation of justice possible, so that, too, “must” be a “flaw”. if it’s framed as possible for them to work towards undoing their harm, that deprives you of the satisfaction of edgy punishment for unhealable hurt, so that, too, is of course a “flaw”. any world where healing is possible for everyone, and the perpetrators can contribute, must be a “flaw”, to a mind only concerned with the validity of vengeance. 

even when the story is perfectly candid that you’re personally allowed to be hurt and traumatized (like steven - and most characters, really), you’re still allowed to feel... you just can’t expect society as a whole to abandon its “inclusive healing” model and function on your logic; that your pain is solved by vengeance. it isn’t.

in short, cry about it. 

[metvmorqhoses]

Why do you think Voldemort never hooked up with another woman but Bella ? Were his choices limited to his ranks ? Were most women afraid of him ? Did he find Bella convenient since she was his DE and married? Don't men get bored with too much devotion ? She let him know how much she cared about him . Was she simply good in bed so he didn't need to look elsewhere? Was her being married another thing he found convenient? Was she convenient or special ? How was he as a 'lover' in your opinion ?

well, you provoke me and i oblige - or as i like to call it: the 100th novel-length essay on bellamort.

the reasons that in my eyes ultimately made bellatrix “the only one” for voldemort are many and various, but at the end of the day it has everything to do with who and how i think he was as a person.

as i said many times before and i feel the duty to keep specifying, over the years i started to consider these characters in a more adult and complex way, imagining them as real life persons and not fairy-tale villains and that’s where my analyses of them come from. sadly what jkr told us about their relationship is close to nothing, so all we have here is thought processes and fervent opinions about their few, filtered by harry’s eyes and painfully public interactions.

now, voldemort’s character, if looked at beyond the pure ideal of power and darkness that he so carefully built around himself, is clearly a human being as deep as the very pit of hell and full of contradictions, twistedness, beauty and voids to fill.

bear with me, because you cannot really understand what i think bellatrix was for him without explaining how i see his psychology first, which i think many many times is overly simplyfied and excused with a shrug and a “well, he’s evil”:

voldemort was born with a genius intelligence and magical talent, the most handsome looks and yet he was not only completely and utterly alone, but also a completely broken human since birth. his mother porpuselly conceived him putting his muggle father under a love potion, so he’s basically the direct offspring of the worst kind of rape: not only his mother abused his father physically, forcing him to have sex with her without his consent, but even emotionally, because she forced him to have feelings for her - as untrue as they might have been. not only that, but voldemort was clearly unloved by his parents from the very start, abandoned by them both in different ways before he was even capable to remember them. he had then been raised and abused since the most tender age in a filthy orphanage where everyone shunned and feared and made him believe he was insane, treating him god’s knows how badly, because he was able to do “things” no one else could, things that made people uncomfortable (think at how bigots can abuse children nowadays with the excuse of possession without magic or the devil even existing, i wouldn’t be surprised if tom as a child was put under monstrous rituals with the hope of exorcising him, it was after all the 30s in a really degraded and poor environment). imagine the hate, the resentment, the fear, the basic instinct to survive and only caring about himself that must have started to boil inside of him in the most dangerous of ways. he surely had the inclination to became what he ultimately became from birth, but goodness how life helped him. he learnt to defend and avenge himself from such a hostile world from the very start, it was a matter of surviving or succumbing. and then, at some point of his young age, he finally started to master and taste something that made him feel good, that made him feel right about himself, he started to enjoy the feeling of being in control of his abusers, of manipulating them, of hurting them, of taking what he wanted from them, the feeling of power - and moreover, a power that directly originated from inside himself - his power. he obviously started to consider himself his own savior, he started to intimately feel special, better than anyone, superior. at the same time he started to hate muggles, because muggles had been his first real source of utter isolation and pain (thing reinforced by the discovery, many years later, that his father, the reason he had to go through all that, was one of them). then, out of the blue, he was told that “more” he had so strong inside of himself was indeed magic. imagine the feeling of validation he must have felt about his uniqueness and superiority, imagine how powerfully his addiction to this wondrous thing he could finally name must have taken definitive root inside of him. magic became his everything, his religion, his purpose, his assurance of never having to feel weak, vulnerable or defenseless ever again. magic was the fuel that alimented everything he literally had in the world and that he ever felt comfortable to ever want (uniqueness, power, superiority, extraordinariness). human relationships were ludicrously out of the question in his eyes since he was a child. human beings were not reliable nor trustworthy. human beings were an utter disappointment, everyone was beneath him and no one really deserved his consideration anyway. magic was everything that really mattered. without magic, he was literally nothing - or at least that’s what life had convinced him of. an existence of his not desperately clutched on and inextricably intertwined with it was not something he even dared to fathom for himself. if you understand this, if you understand the perversion of his dependency towards magic, everything he ever did becomes painfully clear. magic for him was something so fundamental, so deeply mingled with his very being (and this is probably also the reason he indeed was the most powerful wizard that ever lived), that growing up he became more and more desperately obsessed about preserving and strengthening it. this is the root of his every choice, from venturing into the dark arts turning out completely disfigured but incredibly more powerful, to believing he could actually be the first immortal in history, to his entire anti-muggle politics. not only muggles were inferior and disgusting to him, but their mingling with wizards was in his eyes a dreadful threat to the very existence of magic and therefore everything special he ever had been. as a result, he ventured deeper and deeper into it, never to come back. no magic act seemed against nature to him, because he considered himself one with it. this is where his iron-rooted god complex comes from and i think it’s something a little more complicated than simple megalomania. but this is also where his problems with his own humanity (and other’s) started. at some point he really considered himself more than human, of a different species. no aspect of humanity meant anything to him, on the contrary, i think he had terrible problems with every basic human behavior, from caring, to having to eat and drink to survive, to sweating and having sexual impulses - and, of course, to the ultimate form of humanity, dying. i think he was profoundly disgusted by his and other’s physicality, to anything that could remind him of his mortality, even a breath.

and that’s why i don’t really think even as a most handsome young men he even spared girls or women a glance. i think he considered the whole thing far beneath him, as if a god was interested in exchanging fluids with worms. i also think deep down there was simultaneously an intellectual and not only a physical element in his disgust: i think he considered his good looks something pleasant to look at in a mirror (he only deserved the best, even in a face), quite useful, but in general absolutely meaningless and void. not to mention that was his muggle father’s face, the revolting beauty that doomed it as a child and that shamed him every day looking back at him in the mirror. the entire crowds of girls that without any doubt must have fawned over him at school were probably amusing to him in rare particularly good days and insufferable and despicable the rest. no one deserved to be around him, no one could understand his real greatness or void anyway, no matter how low they rightfully bowed - and they had to bow, but from a fair distance. i think the mere thought of sex was something absolutely revolting to him.

until.

now you are probably starting to understand why i needed this endless preface to answer your question.

i think bellatrix was something really unexpected for him, that came relatively late in his life while he was busy with everything else, building an empire and becoming a most powerful immortal creature, and it was extraordinary enough to enkindle something in him, in his humanity, at first even without his consent or him even noticing.

yes, you heard me right, despite all i have just written, lord voldemort was still human being and of a really damaged and flawed kind, no matter what he stubbornly wanted to believe about himself.

i think the first immediate reason that sparkled voldemort’s interest was that bellatrix somehow reminded him of himself. and we do know that he was really able to love only himself. this is the ultimate narcissistic thought process. she was everything he admired of his own qualities: beautiful, dark, incredibly intelligent and magically skilled, proud, ambitious, ruthless, power-angry. they were incredibly similar. but she was at the same time somehow more than him, she actually was what he thought he was supposed have been: the heir of one of the most noble and ancient magical families of britain, pure powerful blood in her veins. it’s obvious he took her under his wing, thinking such a talent was a most valuable addiction to his cause, especially because along all that, bellatrix was able from the start to show him a loyalty, usefulness and adoration of a different, truer kind from all the others. and i think he really valued that, i think he was completely aware she was the only person he could really trust and i think it wasn’t a secondary thing for someone who had never really trusted anyone from the day he was born - that he was aware of it or not. one thing is believing your followers are loyal to you and your cause (an example is snape), another is having the absolute certainty that someone will always be at your side, no matter how desperate the situation - and only bellatrix was ever able to provide him that. he was intelligent enough to tell the difference. i think bellatrix’s unfaltering loyalty and mind-presence at azkaban for fourteen years after his apparent demise was something that really won his respect and admiration. and no, i don’t really think voldemort was the kind of person that gets tired of too much devotion, at least not a true, sincere one, as the kind bellatrix’s provided him from day one. i actually think he was in desperate need of it, consciously or not. voldemort probably had, in my vision, a peculiar relationship with devotion and servility: he thought everyone owed him as much, but was at the same time quite annoyed by too much of it (killing people who said too much “my lords”). but not too much of bellatrix’s, and it’s probably because of the fact hers was of a deeper and more honest kind of devotion.

we don’t have to forget bellatrix was almost as egocentric, proud and vain as him, this is the woman who sits on chairs as if they were thrones. she was wizarding royalty and she sure as hell acted accordingly, she was used to have everyone bow to her (and if they didn’t, she made them). and the fact that she, this fearless tigress, only bowed to him, out of admiration and not blind fear (even if a healthy component of fear was indeed present in her as well), was certainly a reason of great pleasure and amusement to him. don’t even forget i totally believe bella amused him as hell. can you imagine anyone else rendered a blathering idiot in front of him, following him so closely, too closely, speaking without asking, etc, who would have lived to tell the tale? bella was allowed things no one else was, pet name included.

she was one hell of a woman, painfully like him, that literally melted and would have died any moment for him. this started to move things inside of him that i’m sure at first he didn’t like, especially the physical impulses. i said many times i’m convinced at first he was resolute into killing her. the fact that in the end he didn’t tells the tale for me. who knows, maybe the killing in the middle turned into other primordial activities. sexually, i do think he had the need to use a fair amount of violence, not so much because he wanted to hurt her, but to deal with the mortality/humanity aversion, and i think bellatrix was the only woman who was mentally built to not only understand, but enjoy that. i think bella’s legs went week in front of his displays of power, no matter if the victim was her. i wasn’t really a matter of dominating her spirit, but totally possessing her body for him. funnily enough, i think he absolutely respected her in his own twisted way and that she totally thought the same. that respect had nothing to do with their physical and political power dynamics.

again, they were absurdly similar and well-matched. i think at some point she became invaluable to him in a similar way magic was, so much he actually risked his own life and failure to ensure she wasn’t captured again. everyone else was disposable, but not his bella. he could have punished her the rare times she let him down, but as a death eater, not as a person. i think bellatrix was the only case in which the two things in his mind were actually separate even if linked.

they fond each other in darkness and voldemort, lover of uniqueness, surely understood the extraordinary quality of such a relationship. he wanted only the best for himself, he deserved as much, and bellatrix was the actual best in his mind. she, having a similar thought, had inside of her a dramatic and overwhelming pull towards darkness, power and violence, and he embodied them all and much more in her eyes.

so, in conclusion (because i could go on for several other hours), for sure bellatrix was also, along with all the other things, convenient to him, not so much because she was married, because i think neither of them gave an effing fuck about it, but because she was perfect for him in basically every single way (best death eater, genius, skilled, pureblood, devious, not afraid of his darkness but drawn to it, loyal, submitted to him but only to him), as if he himself had carefully molded out of clay his ideal match.

as to how i think voldemort was as a lover - really, really painfully disturbing, as his whole character. i don’t think him really able to separate passion and violence, for example, and i see him really prone to dangerous mood swings, trust issues and destructive tendencies. he was also surely overly possessive of bellatrix, his bella. he was the only one entitled to treat her as he pleased, no one else, no matter if he had just crucioed the hell out of her. lay a finger on her and you are dead. also, i don’t really think he ever told her just how much she meant for him, on the contrary i think whenever he thought she was getting too close and him too attached, he would mercilessly push her away, even violently.

but at the same time i see him quite thoughtful and appreciative of everything bellatrix was, much more than any other man or husband of that society. he really thought she was the best besides himself. that he told it out loud or not, i think he was well aware of all bellatrix’s qualities, especially the ones she directed towards him, and was intimately and very deeply proud of her. i think he was really grateful for her existence and the moment she died he just knew everything was lost.

[arosnowflake]

Look Out for Your Own

Fandom: No. 6

Wordcount: 2470

Summary: Inukashi is autistic and starts to suspect Shion is as well, and starts helping him out in a mentor-like fashion.

Notes: Written for Autism Acceptance Month.

///

“What’s autism?”

Inukashi turned to look at Shion, incredulous. “What, they didn’t teach you that in your fancy classrooms?”

“Apparently not,” he replied. He’d stopped washing Fluffball, one of the few dogs who actually liked baths, and she looked at him with pleading eyes. Shion didn’t seem to notice, too busy looking at em with that stupid head-cock he did when he was curious.

“Huh.” Eir fingers drummed on eir legs, a smirk playing on eir lips. “Guess sometimes even us slum rats know more than No. 6’s precious genius children.”

“I suspect you guys probably know a lot more than we do,” Shion said dryly. “No. 6 controls the information we citizens receive with an iron fist; the more ignorant we are, the easier we are to control.”

Inukashi nodded. “Knowledge is power, and all that.” If there was anything ey understood, it was that. “Maybe I shouldn’t explain it to you after all.”

“What?” He sounded so shocked at that, as if he hadn’t set himself up for it, but damnit, Shion’s puppy eyes were at least as effective as Fluffball’s. Inukashi clacked eir tongue.

“Fine, whatever. Autism is a thing that makes your brain work differently from other people, and it makes it more difficult for you to communicate with others, among other things.” Ey shrugged. “Basically, I have trouble reading people’s body language, or understanding what they mean. Dogs are way easier to read.”

“So it’s a mental disorder?”

“Yup,” ey said, popping the ‘p’.

Now Fluffball was full-on nudging Shion, but he somehow still managed to remain oblivious, hands clapped together and rocking slightly back and forth. “That explains why I didn’t learn about it, then; No. 6 wants us to believe all disorders and disabilities have been erased from the city, although that would obviously be completely impossible, but regardless, they avoid talking about them whenever possible. I imagine those with a history or neurology specialization might’ve learned about it, although I have no doubt the information would be extremely biased -”

“Aaand I don’t care,” Inukashi cut him off. “Get on with the washing, nerd. Fluffball is about to start crying.”

Shion startled, immediately returning to rubbing soap, to a happy tail wag of Fluffball. “Fluffy I’m so sorry! I tend to get caught up in these things...”

He sure did. If it was about biology, Shion could ramble on for hours uninterrupted, a glint in his eyes and swinging on his toes, like -

Oh. Kinda like ey did, back when ey were younger and less aware of the fact that such blatant displays of emotions could get you scammed or, if you were particularly unlucky, killed.

Huh.

Something to keep an eye on. Knowledge was power, after all.

///

The next time Shion brought it up was on cleaning day. Once a month, Inukashi did a deep clean of the main hall and the more expensive hotel rooms; of course, it wasn’t that people here cared much about cleanliness, but ey liked to make sure none of eir guests left with more infections than they came with, at least. And so, deep cleaning.

Inukashi had offered Shion a job helping em, because honestly, ey could use the help. The dogs were enthusiastic, but there was only so much they could do without opposable thumbs.

They were scrubbing the stairs when Shion asked: “Does the smell of cleaning supplies bother you?”

Inukashi blinked. “What’s it to you?”

Shion looked up at em, and oh no, those eyes were sparkling, he was about to go on a tangent. “I’ve been reading up on autism since you last mentioned it, and it’s quite fascinating, really! Most of the literature I’ve been able to find pertains to the more technical side of the disorder, talking about how exactly it affects the brain, but I’ve been able to get a hold of some personal accounts as well, and one of them mentioned having trouble with the smell of cleaning supplies. And I mean, I get that, I already have a lot of trouble with that and I’m not even autistic, so I was wondering what that was like for you.”

Good god, that boy really was a nerd, huh.

Well, regardless. This was a good opportunity to snoop.

Inukashi dropped eir rag back into the water. “I don’t have much of an issue with it, though honestly, that might just be because the soap here sucks balls.” After a short pause, ey offered. “But I do have a lot of issues with sounds. Everything here’s so goddamn loud all the time, it kills me.”

Shion’s leg began to bounce as he seemed to forget all about the cleaning he was supposed to do, and his fingers drummed against his leg. Hadn’t they done that last time, as well? “I suppose it’s really busy here, yeah, though honestly I like it better than the weird quiet in No. 6. And yeah, the soap here sucks. It doesn’t have much smell here, which is nice, because in No. 6...” he shuddered. “Well, sanitation used to be part of my job, and the smell got so strong that I needed to run outside more than once a day, just to escape from it. West Block’s much easier to deal with. Sure, it objectively smells worse, but it’s also less...” he paused. “Sharp? Less sharp is the only way I can describe it. It hurts less.”

Shion, the genius who said “I’m not autistic” and “the smell of bleach hurts so much I need to physically run away from it” in the same sentence. What an idiot.

“Well, if you have trouble with it again, try to focus on other sensations. Like, focus on how your shirt feels against your body. Or get a bunch of dogs to distract you and attack people who are making you feel bad. That works too.”

Wait. Why had ey said that? Shion hadn’t even asked for advice, and ey’d just given it to him, free of charge. What the hell.

Shion snorted. “I’ll try and see if I can train Nezumi’s rats to attack people, thanks.”

And before ey could stop emself, ey imagined one of the Cleaners getting taken out by a small rat, and ey laughed.

///

Shion was autistic. Like, really obviously autistic. Inukashi had no idea how the kid hadn’t picked up on it himself.

There were a thousand little clues strewn across him, from his drumming fingers and bouncing legs to the way he infodumped about anything at the slightest provocation, his savant-like intelligence and his simultaneous obliviousness to people, his staunch idealism and his gullible nature. Shion was autistic from top to toe and it didn’t even take a month of observation to figure it out.

Worse, though, was that Inukashi couldn’t seem to help emself from mentoring him.

Ey shared some of eir more subtle stims with him in the hopes that he would stop being such an open book (he didn’t, obviously, he was a hopeless case), ey tried to teach him some of eir cheats for interacting with people (Shion was very surprised to learn that ey never looked anyone in the eye, instead staring at their nose, but it turned out that he didn’t have much issue with that, so that was a bust), ey even tried to explain a bit more about autism of eir own volition (Shion hang to eir every word and then applied absolutely none of the information to himself). Ey didn’t know why ey bothered. There was just something about that kid that made em want to protect him.

Not that ey’d ever admit it, not even - alright, yeah, ey’d admit it under pain of death, but ey’d do just about anything under pain of death. Either way, ey finally felt like ey understood how Shion had managed to get under noted asshole Nezumi’s skin. Shion was just like that.

The turning point came on a sunny afternoon. It wasn’t anything special, they hadn’t even planned to meet; they’d simply run into each other at the market, and decided to walk home with each other.

Something was up with Shion.

He was shaking out his hands at his side and hadn’t stopped even after Inukashi had pointed it out (it attracted attention, and attention was never a good thing). His eyes flitted side to side, like a hunted rabbit, and if Inukashi didn’t know better, ey’d think he was being followed by someone. However, there was no reason for anyone to want revenge on Shion, so it must be something else. If there was no actual danger, why did he look so scared?

“Hey Shion, what’s wrong?”

Shion barely looked down, and when he opened his mouth, only a vague grunting nose came out. He tried again. “...Much...not,” was all he could say, and he clawed at his face, seemingly frustrated about something.

Oh. He was having a meltdown.

A few whistles and Inukashi’s dogs were on the move, carving out a path among the people to get em and Shion out of the crowd as fast as possible. Shion didn’t even seem to notice that something was off, but followed em, probably too dazed to do anything else. Within minutes, they were far away from the market, between abandoned houses where fewer people lived. It was quieter here, a little darker, a little cooler, and it was where Inukashi went whenever ey couldn’t keep it together anymore. Hopefully it’d help Shion too.

Not a moment too soon. Shion started clawing at his face with a ferver ey’d never seen before, and Inukashi quickly threw eir mantle over his head to prevent him from hurting himself. “Sit,” ey ordered. “Put your head between your knees.” Simple words, swift orders to provide structure. Things that had always helped em, although eir dogs didn’t talk; they just did. But dog hair was different from human skin, and Inukashi had never liked to be touched by humans when ey were like this, so ey didn’t touch Shion, and hoped he would just follow verbal orders.

He did, dropping against a wall and pressing his head between his knees, fisting Inukashi’s mantle so tight his knuckles paled, holding onto it like it was his only lifeline. He didn’t scream. That was kind of odd; Inukashi screamed a lot when ey were like this. Just a difference between them, ey supposed.

They sat there for a while, Shion rocking in a frantic, but eerily quiet manner, and Inukashi leaning to the wall next to him, keeping an eye out for any assholes who might take advantage of Shion’s weakened state.

Ey didn’t know how long it took Shion to calm down, but he did, eventually, sliding off eir mantle.

“...You,” he started, then shook his head, biting his hand in frustration.

“If you can’t talk, don’t,” Inukashi said. “And don’t hurt yourself. Bite on your sleeve if you need to.”

Shion switched to his sleeve, biting on it hard, and after a few seconds, nodded.

“I’m taking you home for now, we can talk about this tomorrow. Take a nap or something.”

Shion nodded again, too tired to protest.

It took them longer than it should to get to Nezumi and Shion’s little shelter, Shion sometimes stopping in the middle of the path just to stare in the distance. But, finally, they did make it, and thankfully, Nezumi was still home.

“What -” he started, but Inukashi pushed past him.

“Lie on the damn bed, idiot, and go take a nap,” ey ordered Shion, and he did so without questioning, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

“You want to tell me what’s going on?” Nezumi asked, arms crossed.

“Your boyfriend had a meltdown,” Inukashi said shortly. “If you dare bully him about it I’ll sic my dogs on you, got that?”

“Dully noted,” Nezumi said dryly, still leaning against the wall as if he couldn’t care less about anything in the world, but his eyes betrayed him as they flickered over to Shion.

“You can make him something warm when he wakes up,” Inukashi answered his unasked question. “And keep a notebook nearby. He seemed to have trouble talking.”

“Whatever,” he replied, making a truly pathetic effort to disguise his worry. “Get out of my house, dog.”

“With pleasure, asshole.”

Shion would be fine. Nezumi was an absolute softy when it came to that boy, and by now, Inukashi could hardly even blame him without being a big fat hypocrite.

///

“So,” Shion started. It had been three days since his meltdown, and Inukashi had decided to let him come to em instead of badgering him emself. It had taken longer than expected for him to confront em. But now, here he was, looking like himself again. “I have a feeling I might be autistic.”

Inukashi looked at him, and promptly burst out into laughter.

“It’s not funny!” Shion protested. “I’m not joking!”

“It’s not -” Inukashi gasped. “Obviously you’re not joking. It’s just that it was blatantly obvious, and it’s hilarious it took you this long to figure it out.”

Shion blinked. “It was obvious?”

“Oh yeah, believe me, you might as well have ‘autism’ written across your forehead. And even that would’ve probably been more subtle.”

Shion squinted. “If you knew, why didn’t you tell me?”

Inukashi shrugged. “Didn’t feel like it. I’m kind of an asshole, remember?”

Shion looked at em for a solid ten seconds, before a grin slowly spread across his face.

“You know,” he said nonchalantly, “I just realized you’ve been helping me quite a bit. Giving me tips, helping me deal with that meltdown, stuff like that.”

“I have not!” Inukashi protested, but Shion ignored em.

“So what I think,” Shion continued, “is that you didn’t know how to tell me, so you just let me figure it out myself. While also helping me in the meantime.”

“You’re reading into things that aren’t there,” Inukashi muttered, tapping eir feet rapidly. Shion laughed.

“Sure,” he giggled. “You’re a heartless information broker who cares only for emself, got it.”

“And don’t you forget it,” ey confirmed. Then paused for a second. “Also, the gal who sells meat, the one with the red hair, knows sign language. Just in case that’s something you’d wanna know.”

Shion nodded. “Of course, this has nothing to do with the fact that I have trouble communicating verbally at times.”

“Absolutely not,” Inukashi confirmed. “It’s just something I thought was interesting.”

“Well, thank you anyway,” Shion said, smile softened from a smirk to something friendlier, something you rarely saw here in the West Block.

That boy would be the death of em, one day. Still, it was kind of nice to have another autistic here.

Maybe Shion was onto something with that whole ‘helping people’ thing.

[imaginative-spirit]

This is kinda random but I’ve been so curious.. What do you think of people who say that s/c is abusive? Not just ship wise, but about their dynamic in general. I don’t think I have seen a lengthy explanation of it (hence this question, but only if you want to answer!)

Hmm, interesting question! Here comes a lengthy explanation ;D

Well... It’s complicated. On one hand, their canon dynamic is pretty obviously unhealthy. Manipulation, mind-control and murder are hardly a good foundation for a relationship. I don’t think you’ll find that many sefikura shippers denying that, either. But the thing is... they’re enemies. Of course they’re not going to be nice to each other! And as an enemies to lovers ship, that baggage is part of the charm. Consequently, there are plenty of shippers who portray it as a very toxic relationship, because they find that type of dynamic interesting and enjoy exploring it, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

But on the other hand... not every sefikura shipper portrays their dynamic that way. After the remake there’s definitely been an upswing of darker content for them, but looking back there’s plenty of content on the more wholesome, fluffy side as well. You can explore potential redemption arcs (not far-fetched since the canon narrative already sets Sephiroth up as somewhat sympathetic), or what-if scenarios where they never ended up enemies to begin with (not far-fetched either considering, well, everything about pre-Nibelheim Sephiroth)... People are drawn to the ship for very different reasons.

Personally, I disagree with the notion of deeming ships (particularly ones that aren’t even canon) to be inherently abusive, because we haven’t seen these two in an actual relationship. We haven’t seen the circumstances that would lead them up to that point. If sefikura were to become a thing in canon (in a way that isn’t just ship-tease that is), maybe their relationship would be as unhealthy as it was while they were enemies. Maybe it’d happen only after a shit-ton of character development. Maybe it’d take a fundamental altering of the timeline for them to end up together. And in fan content, all of that is possible. All those versions of the ship can exist simultaneously, fundamentally different but not mutually exclusive. Like I said, different people, different reasons for enjoying it, and some people might enjoy all of these things! (I like plenty of different kinds of sefikura myself, tho I admit the very dark stuff sometimes isn’t for me)

However, I find people who dumb down it down to “sefikura is abusive and the people who ship it are terrible” to be, uhhhh... extremely annoying and you can tell they’ve never actually interacted with someone who ships it, because in my experience sefikura shippers are easily the nicest, most chill part of the ffvii fandom, lol. Everyone else is busy starting ship wars and talking shit about other ships but sefikura shippers just... don’t care. It’s probably pretty hard to start shit with us because if someone tells us that sefikura is horrible our reaction tends to just be “yeah. so what?” lmao

I’m not saying that people aren’t allowed to think it is inherently abusive, because that’s a perfectly valid way to view the ship that I’m sure some of the shippers would agree with as well, even though I personally don’t. What I can’t stand is when people make shippers out to be terrible people for enjoying an unhealthy dynamic in fiction. Seeing a person do that only proves to me that they have no understanding of nuance, context, or the appeal of exploring darker topics in fiction. It’s incredibly egocentric and shows an absolute lack of understanding that not everyone views fiction with the same mindset.

My conclusion is this:

Liking sefikura for the darker, more toxic sides of the ship = valid

Liking sefikura but choosing to explore it through a healthier lense = valid

Liking sefikura and being able to enjoy various different interpretations of it = EXTREMELY valid

Personally finding sefikura uncomfortable because of the more toxic sides of the ship and thus avoiding content for the ship = valid

Personally finding sefikura uncomfortable because of the more toxic sides of the ship and using this as an excuse to demonize those who ship it = NOT valid in the slightest, kindly fuck off

That being said, I’m gonna go off on a little tangent here. I’m incredibly tired of people referring to Sephiroth as Cloud’s abuser without acknowledging that Sephiroth is, himself, an abuse victim who’s acting out because he’s in pain and never got the help he so clearly needed. Maybe it’s just my Sephiroth bias showing its teeth again but it really, really bothers me when people make him out to be completely irredeemable and horrible when all I see when I look at him is someone who’s hurting. I’m also tired of people infantilizing Cloud and removing his agency, making him out to be completely pure and innocent when he���s also very much a human disaster who’s done bad things in the past... but let’s not go further into this, lol.

The point is, and this is all personal opinion here, that making the sefikura dynamic out to be nothing but an abuser and his victim, with no possibility of ever being anything else, really takes away everything that makes the ship interesting for me. I feel like it gives neither Cloud nor Sephiroth the nuance that I think they deserve. And with that being said, it really irks me when people assume that sefikura shippers “romanticize abuse”, when... that’s not what anyone is doing. People are either exploring a toxic fictional dynamic and treating it as such, which isn’t romanticizing all, or they’re finding a way to portray that dynamic healthily, which means it can’t be considered abusive, because they’ve reinterpreted it.

Basically, the only thing I want to tell these people is... maybe talk to a few sefikura shippers before making horrible assumptions about what they’re like? :)))

I could go on and on about this but I think I’ll stop now because it’s a topic that’s on my mind a lot and I have way too many thoughts about it, lmao

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, REY! You’ve been accepted for the role of LAMPRIUS. Admin Julie: when I was writing Lucien there was a part of me desperate to see how his desire to revenge could culminate in a greater way, and Rey, you nailed it to a T. Reading this application word-for-word, piece-by-piece, really showed me just how much you understand Lucien and who he is in the ways that matter. From his profession, to his general attitude towards life, to how he uses his own name as a mask and the lengths he’ll go to ensure that mask stays in place? Ugh, just, like, kill me now. It was a wonderful read, and with the plots you’ve provided, I cannot wait for you to absolutely wreak havoc with him on the dashboard. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER IN CHARACTER

Alias | Rey

Age | 25+

Preferred Pronouns | She/Her

Activity Level | I am able to log in at least once a day! On a scale of 1 to 10, I would say 7. 

Timezone | PST

How did you find the rp?  | Current player referral! 

Current/Past RP Accounts | https://revoluticn.tumblr.com/

IN CHARACTER

Character | Lamprius - or Lucien. 

These days, you have your husband’s last name, Ivarsson but it’s hard to remember what your family name was before that. Or more like, you have willfully forgotten it. You aren’t of a bloodline or a people, but of a city - and that is Verona. Your pain created you, the streets molded you, and the Witches defined you. This city is as much you as you are it. When you think of yourself, you first think not of the name your mother gave you (Lucien) but the name you were given and have subsequently chosen: Lamprius. Everyday when you wake up , you have the opportunity to mold yourself into whatever this city needs you to be in order to keep the balance; you have the opportunity to rename yourself and recreate yourself, and every day you wake up and you choose Lamprius. The soothsayer. There’s power in the truth and you know it’s what this city needs more than anything else. 

What drew you to this character? | 

Revenge, a dish best served cold, also happens to be my favorite meal. Time and time again I find myself drawn to characters that are driven or motivated by revenge. Over the course of his skeleton, Lamprius’s personal journey with his revenge goes through its own metamorphosis and I’ve fallen in love with that journey. 

After the unjust death of his father, it is Lamprius’ drive for revenge that causes the Witches to notice him and deem him worthy enough to recruit. But Lamprius stands out from your average vendetta-boi because he is a character that must quell the impulse to act on his personal vendettas for the sake of the greater good (which, in this case, means for the sake of the city.) Unlike other literary characters that have similar motivators, ones who will eventually transcend their need for revenge or be consumed by it, Lamprius learns to live with the dissatisfaction that he’ll never really get what he really wants… and he must learn to be okay with that. The Witches have instilled in him a greater sense of purpose, they’ve given him the resources and the tools to keep Verona in line. After the passing of his mother, the three of them even give him a family. For the longest time, Lamprius is a character who attempts to rise above their own personal need for vengeance and is instead trying to focus on giving Verona what it needs: balance. He finds acceptance in that. 

And then the Witches die. 

Suddenly, that taste for vegengence he’s held at arm's length for so long becomes the very way he is going to protect the Witches' legacy.  Suddenly, Lamprius feels justified in his want to burn the Montagues and the Capulets from the inside out. Now, in Lamprius’ eyes, purging the city of the Montagues and Capulets is the best way to bring back that balance to the city. I think of him like Adrian Veidt from Watchmen, willing to go to absurd extremes for the sake of humanity. 

Lamprius’ history with the Witches has really piqued my interest as well. His connection to them reminds me so much of Arya Stark’s “a girl has no name” arc from Game of Thrones (the tv show. I’ll admit, I could never get past GRRM’s writing to finish the books.) In many ways it doesn’t matter who Lamprius was before he was with the Witches, because a big part of his story is the erasure of his old self and the ascension into something new thanks to their tutelage. Who are the Witches then? An enigma, even in their death (perhaps more so in their death.) Lamprius’ connection to this clandestine trio feels like it is fraught with opportunity to create some really interesting lore that draws from other secret societies or underground networks of spies that have a code of morals or a higher goal. 

Even in his day to day interactions, Lamprius feels like such a fun character to write. He’s cunning and quiet and he becomes a pillar of Verona’s community maybe because of his perceived kindness - or maybe because he is a very good puppeteer. His quiet and kind persona is a wonderful mask for something far more layered underneath. As seen with his connection to Loretta, he has the ability to get people to trust him, hence his unending list of contacts. It’s too easy to call Lamprius ‘good’ because of his quiet nature, peel back his skin and you will see he is one of the rare characters that is a true neutral. He has a greater loyalty to the city as a whole than any specific group of people. Lamprius has the ability to be as dark as he is light, as viscous as he is soft. I imagine him a chameleon, not necessarily one with malicious intent, simply one who can weaponize their empathy. Over the years, the Witches have taught him plenty, including how to see through the eyes of many. Lamprius is the soothsayer who doesn’t shy away from deceit; he understands one’s lies can reveal greater truths about themselves. Rarely does one get to play characters that are truly this fluid. 

I’m really excited to explore where Lamprius goes from here and I’ve outlined some of my thoughts on it below: 

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? | 

I. “SOME RISE BY SIN, AND SOME BY VIRTUE FALL.” 

You are a Witch and, like all the Witches that came before you, Verona is your city to watch over. For years Hecate, Circe, and Medea placated your need for revenge by reaffirming a higher call. They gave you family when you needed it most. They not only gave you the tools for a better city, but they gave you purpose and hope as well. Verona is a city torn up by war, your life has been altered by it first hand, and in you they saw a chance to take that pain and shape it into a force for good. 

And then the Witches, in all their goodness, were strung up by the very city they were trying to save. 

It has set you on a single-minded path of revenge. Your teachers are dead and you are a student who, for the first time, must decide on their own. And your decision is this: the gangs of this city will rot Verona from the inside out if you don’t do something. You are a Witch and Verona is your city to watch over. For the first time, there is no one to stop you from stepping onto this single-minded path. 

[ Revenge. Lamprius is actively looking to bring about the end of the Capulets and the Montagues. He plans on doing this through  finding and aligning himself with people who have also been wronged by this war. It takes one to know one, and Lamprius can tell when someone has the same steady heart for vengeance as him. He intends to harness other’s need for revenge to fuel this movement. He’s already shown Harley a card from his hand and he thinks Loretta has what it takes to be a player. Armand, however, might be a mistake….but only time will tell. While his skeleton particularly calls out how he sees this in Harley, Loretta, and Armand, I imagine this could be a broader plot too as he interacts with as many citizens of Verona as he can. At the end of the day, anyone who thinks the way he thinks, who believes what he believes, is welcome to help… though Lamprius is not foolish enough to think that all alliances come without price. Not only would I love to see Lamprius rack up alliances, I would love to see him rack up promises and debts associated with those alliances.] 

II. “GOD HAS GIVEN YOU ONE FACE, AND YOU MAKE YOURSELF ANOTHER.” 

You were always skilled at slipping into people’s lives without putting on too much of a show. They’d blink and suddenly you’d be there, as certain and unwavering as the truth, as integral to their livelihood as the foundation of any home. You can physically only be in one place at one time, but the Witches taught you how to transcend your limitations by using the eyes and ears of others. 

Trust is earned and you earn it through careful orchestration. You play coincidence like a symphony. A broken in-apartment, and you are the one there to help the scared tenant. An ailing mother, and you are the visitor whose own mother is dying in the hospital room next door. “I know where you’re coming from, believe me,” are words that have left your mouth so many times, they may as well be the air that fills your lungs. 

You are a therapist as your day job; respected as a doctor, trusted as a friend. People burden you with their innermost truths and you play whatever part they need you to be in order to make them feel like you’ve fixed them. There’s never a dry eye on your office couch by the end of a session and all of these people, some who have only known you for a grand total of one hour, think of you as their closest confidante. As well as they know, they are the same to you. A small suggestion here, a gentle prod there, and suddenly they are set off on a new path of your own devices. You’re both a ghost and a shadow, simultaneously ever present and constantly shifting. Your empathy is fluid, just like the rest of you.

You find yourself setting up a chessboard, as you seek out allies in all these people that you meet. You know the importance of a long game -your patience is unparalleled- but you are not afraid to knock a piece off the board if you must. You are the Soothsayer who gets to the truth of things through lies. 

[ One of my favorite implications of the skeleton is that Lamprius is a puppeteer. He creates these Rube Goldbergian schemes that utilize the natural way of the city to bring about an allyship with someone. He is the butterfly that flaps its wings and creates a tornado, and nothing is ever a coincidence. I really want to lean into this with his plots. As mentioned, his friendship with Loretta Delluci shows that he’s not beneath orchestrating an introduction. But, as also seen in the case of Loretta, it’s clear that if Lamprius sees this whole thing as a game of chess, there are some people that are pieces while there are others that are players. He’s too good to let this perspective slip past his lips uncensored, but even if it did, his job as a therapist is an easy explanation for his tendency to psychoanalyze. Are there moments when he borderline feels like Hannibal Lector from the show Hannibal? Absolutely. I’d love him to actually be the therapist for some of the other characters and I would like every new person he “meets'' to never be a coincidence. Or, when a true coincidence occurs, I want it to genuinely surprise him. One of Lamprius’ traits is that he has a lot of resources and while a lot of those are inherited from the Witches, he’s obtained plenty from the connections he forms as well.

Also: Ya boi’s a therapist. Verona really needs therapy. ]

III. “BY THE PRICKING OF MY THUMBS, SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES” 

You’ve seen what it’s like to be a God to men who don’t even believe in higher powers. There are men in Verona who refuse to pray at a pew, but still think twice before speaking ill of a Witch. This is the way things should be - but it doesn't take long for men to see themselves as God-Killers. 

How do they not see how they’ve damned their city! The Witches, in all their mystery, were not esoteric about their love for Verona. Yes, your time with them has instilled a great need to avenge them, but it has similarly inspired a need to see them reborn stronger than ever. 

Verona needs a new set of Witches. It’s a truth that you, Lamprius the Soothsayer, cannot deny. 

[ Time to form a new coven! As Lamprius goes about enacting his revenge, I also want him to seek out other truly neutral characters in the hopes of creating a new set of Witches to watch over Verona. I would love to set it up like a secret society - Verona’s very own Illuminati. A clandestine organization that has the same intentions of Watchman's Ozymandias. Lamprius would be just as vigorous as Hecate, Circe, and Medea to make sure he chose right. I am also eager to see what changes to the Witches’ creed comes with this new version.] 

IV. “VENGEANCE IS IN MY HEART, DEATH IN MY HAND, BLOOD AND REVENGE ARE HAMMERING IN MY HEAD.”

Everyday you try to become something a little more than human. There’s a merciless level of selflessness that comes with avenging the Witches and each day you work hard to climb up to that pedestal. 

But then there’s Ronan - he doesn’t know the name Lamprius. He calls you Lucien and when he does, you almost want it to be your only name. He grounds you with his gravity and makes you feel a warmth in your cheeks. You have been living with your pain for years, so long that you have stopped noticing it. In fact, you’ve stopped noticing your heart existed in your chest at all. Instead, you’ve learned how to empty yourself out. You invent emotion, you choose how to feel. Your heart has become a machine, through which you feed a very precise and particular code. But then he calls you Lucien and your heart gives a single, mighty beat, and it’s all flesh and blood again. 

[ Reestablishing the Witches? Destroying the Montagues and the Capulets? These are lofty goals that may require nothing short of a God to accomplish - and as much as he likes to pretend otherwise, Lamprius is just a man. I don’t want his path to his goals to be easy, and for a man who loves to carefully orchestrate everything, I’m always looking for wrenches to throw in his plans. Give me people like Ronan who inspire doubt in himself, or give me people who catch on to what he’s doing and are outright trying to stop him. ] 

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Yes!

IN DEPTH

What is your favorite place in Verona? | 

(An acquaintance.) 

He knows his answer, but like most things he tries to see if he can find the answer she most wants to hear. It can feel like a game at times, and for Lamprius it can be just as fun. But there’s a method to this madness. He gives her a warm look over the edge of his champagne glass and manages to elegantly swipe another for her from a passing tray. Around them, the crowd of the gala mills about like smoke. 

She’s religious if he remembers overhearing her other conversation correctly. Catholic, but lapsed. Yes, that’s it. Even at this Christmas party, she’s mentioned it two too many times to be something she isn’t agonizing over and he can see the guilt of it in her eyes. His true answer is far from the one he gives her: 

“The Cathedral. My mother and I used to walk through it together every Christmas morning. Before sunrise, before the crowds got there. We could hear our steps echo through the chamber. When the sunrise hit the paintings on the ceiling, I thought it was magic.”

There it is, he sees her eyes widen with recognition of herself in his story. 

“I used to go there every year with my mother too.” 

His warm grin widens. I know, he thinks, but he raises his glass in an informal toast. “Well how about that?” 

What does your typical day look like?  | 

(A friend.) 

Lucien is in the midst of rolling up the sleeves to his sweater, when he gets asked what his typical day looks like. He raises an eyebrow at the question posed by his friend. Maybe it’s a trick of the light, but it almost looks as if the corners of his lips are quirked up in the slightest smile. 

“Don’t tell me our conversation has gotten so boring that you’re now asking about my day to day. I know I’m quiet, but I thought I was doing better than that.”

His words tease. Besides, they don’t even know what they’re asking. His day to days are simply veneer. Wake up, go to work, show face at an event. All of it clockwork. It’s his nights that show the true him, that’s when he descends into the shadows of the city and plays its people like a harp. 

“Is this your way of avoiding my question about how your day went? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” 

What has been your biggest mistake thus far? | 

(A patient.) 

He sits in his office, full attention on the young man in the seat across from him. It’s his last appointment for the day, or rather, his last appointment was two hours ago, but Lamprius is holding himself  to the decision that this will be the last one. He’s in his element here, and the air settles calm around him. Outside evening blankets the city. “Would you like some tea?” He asks. 

To which his patient blurts out “What has been your biggest mistake thus far?” unofficially starting the session. Lamprius examines the other down the length of his nose and realizes that they’re still having the conversation they had during the last time they met. 

Lamprius doesn’t think Asher would very much understand his biggest mistake thus far. Inaction. He closes his eyes and imagines the swinging bodies of those that meant so much to him; he feels the weight of that loss for the city as a whole, it sits in his chest and in his throat and on his shoulders. His body betrays him in the slightest as he pushes his pen down into the notepad. An ink bleed spreads from where he’s stabbed it with such force. 

But Lamprius opens his eyes immediately, the pause is as quick as a blink, and the therapist knows what he has to say to his patient. 

“I didn’t say goodbye to my mother when I had the chance.” 

He didn’t, but that’s another kind of hurt entirely, from a different lifetime. Lamprius taps his pen and then leans back into his seat; allowing his eyes to wander up to the ceiling in a show of vulnerability before saying: 

“All we have to do is decide what to do with the time given to us.” 

He offers up a small smile, like a faintest ray of sunlight filtering through a window. His gaze turns back on his patient. 

“Thanks, Gandalf, “ Asher mutters, but Lamprius clocks the way he relaxes his shoulders, the way he settles into his seat and allows himself to seem small and fragile in it. He sees this and knows he’s doing his job. Lamprius gives him a moment before softly clearing his throat. 

“How about we begin with you telling me about your day, Asher. Did you visit the hospital?” 

What has been the most difficult task asked of you?  | 

(His husband.) 

He’s by the kitchen table that Saturday morning when the question is asked of him. His neck is crooked at a certain angle, as his left hand props open the pages to the Epic of Gilgamesh. His right hand is equally occupied preparing a piece of toast - though right now he’s paused mid-motion, butter knife hovering over the butter. Lamprius unintentionally does this a few times - gets close enough to butter his toast, and then stops to flip the page. His husband’s question cracks the stillness of the air; the suddenness of it spilling like yolk. It almost makes Lamprius grip the butter knife like a proper knife. He is oh so rarely met with genuine surprise but his husband’s question holds a level of intimacy the two haven’t shared in years. For a second Lamprius’ mask almost slips and it’s good he has the words of Gilgamesh to hide behind. 

 He feels a tug that he was almost certain was forgotten. For a moment he is truly Lucien.

Finally, like an alligator emerging from the water, he peeks up over the top of his book so only his eyes show. He contemplates his words. Measures and cuts them so that they are a perfect fit. He doesn’t ask why Ronan is asking him such things on this halcyon Saturday morning, he simply answers. 

“Knowing there wasn’t anything I could do for my mother, “ His biological one, but also the three that came to raise him, “but watch the clock run out of time.” 

What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?  | 

(A stranger.) 

They must be the only two people in the city that still read a physical print newspaper. Lamprius likes the feel of the pages; likes how easily it can become a barrier between him and the rest of the world. He visits this stand often, it’s the perfect distance between where he parks his car and the front door of his office. 

The man next to him, the one in the long dark coat, is a familiar face. It’s a judge, from the local courthouse. This makes sense seeing as they’re only a few blocks away from the building. Lamprius wouldn’t call him a regular of this newspaper stand. On this morning, the stranger points to the latest headline. Another fight has broken out in the city and Lamprius feels immediate abhorrence - but what he despises even more is how this judge has the audacity to ask ‘What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?’ The question sets off a blizzard in Lamprius, though he doesn’t show it. His lips threaten to curl back into a snarl. ‘How do you, a man of the law, know their names and still not know where you stand on the matter?’ Lamprius thinks coldly. 

He looks at this man and decides he doesn’t deserve the conversation. Some will always be willfully blind. If he’s a judge in this city and he still doesn’t know how he feels about this war, it isn’t Lamprius’ job to impart that caring onto him. He folds his newly purchased newspaper into a neat rectangle and tucks it under his arm before looking at the man, nothing but the perfect imitation of curiosity and confusion shining in his eye:

“What war?”

Extras: 

“In nature’s infinite book of secrecy, a little I can read.” - Lamprius, the Soothsayer 

Pinterest board: https://pin.it/7BdECcs

[weaverlings]

(so this is super long and mainly about WTNV because that’s the part I understand, or... at least have spent a lot of time thinking about, but there’s definitely a heavy component of comparison between the two series in this)

@vildflower said: I’ve been thinking how wtnv and tma approach similar concepts of vaguely otherworldly entities who are only somewhat connected to the universe that they seem to operate in vs. the universe that they seem to exist in

so this is all super interesting stuff thank u!!!! I just needed to get to the computer to go over it properly bc tbh it deserves it

vildflower said: like,, tma has the whole concept of rituals and avatars whereas wtnv could arguably have. a hierarchy? like when you think about it;; huntokar, the distant prince, the woman from italy, even the great golden hand, are ancient and possibly the closest to ‘gods,’ who dont interact w nightvale often but either have vested interest in it or are able to interact w it more easily due to number of reasons as compared to, like, the rest of the world? 

Part of the reason I listened to The Magnus Archives in the first place was because I’d heard hints of the connection between belief (fear specifically, as it happened) and reality, and the tangible effects that this connection has. I have pretty much always interpreted Night Vale along similar lines, but now having listened to TMA... I don’t feel like the execution is all that similar? 

While the lines are super fun to draw, WTNV doesn’t have such clear divisions or, well... I guess TMA didn’t, either, but I don’t think WTNV does have such clear organizational structure?

I think the/a key difference between WTNV and TMA is that not all of the entities of Night Vale necessarily tie back into an overarching force, or at least... the same overarching force. Which you go into, but that’s just such a core aspect of TMA that it at least feels pretty distinct. 

And the gods of Night Vale, I think, all have a much clearer and even more “relatable” sentience than the Powers. The gods have trouble communicating with other people, in various ways, but they also, say, express regret or ask for coffee when they do communicate.

vildflower said: and then theres the smiling god who could be said to be in a category of his own, or even perhaps in the same category as cecil- the way the smiling god’s existence seems to be in direct connection to desert bluffs/the joyous congregation and cecil seems to ‘depend’ on nightvale and its residents. or maybe it would be more accurate to equate station management and the smiling god, both finding ways to communicate w their respective towns through 'avatars’: cecil & kevin.

Yeah! If being a “Voice” means anything, I do think it would be related to these gods... I guess it would’ve been Huntokar, once, for Cecil. (And now, well... I don’t know. But if bloodstone worship is just happening, that’s a lot of undirected faith, and I feel like it needs to go somewhere... or to something.) And yup, for Kevin, it would be the Smiling God.

However, one thing I’m hoping we’ll see from this arc is addressing the fact that what the Joyous Congregation THINKS is the Smiling God is apparently really different from what it actually is. Even some of the church elders - the actual pastor - believed that it was the centipede, and this would seem to indicate that’s not true. 

I mean, if nothing else It Devours! was pretty clear about the fact that the centipede was just an animal, so I don’t see it or anything like it having plotted or directed someone to exploit people’s brains for labor in the future

So I wouldn’t put the Smiling God in the same category as Cecil, or even Kevin, but I think Cecil and Kevin occupy the same category like you said... 

For what it’s worth, I’ve always thought of Cecil more like an “oracle” (even before Alice Isn’t Dead!!) - giving advice or answering questions, kind of a guide, if in a sort of opaque or enigmatic way, whether he wants to be or not. And then Kevin is more like a prophet - offering a vision of how things should be, giving commandments, etc, regardless of what people might ask for or what would help them.

vildflower said: continuing this heirarchy the next lower tier would perhaps be city council and the librarians which have pretty fixed, smaller areas of direct interaction w nightvalians. there’s also the spire! which sounds quite similar to the spiral, i think….

I think that’s a good example of how it’s different... “Barks” sounded like the kind of thing that could have been related to the Spiral, that sort of distortion. But the purpose was different - the Spire wanted to bargain, and from the sound of it it’s a lot more open about its demands (iirc: Night Valian “Thanksgiving” involves going out to thank the Spire for its “mercy”). It’s also a known destination. 

People in Night Vale know what it is to them. They may not know what it is exactly, but they do know the role it plays in their community. So while it absolutely fits into the structure of Night Vale, I don’t think it’s that similar beyond some (admittedly major) aesthetic elements?

All of those forces in Night Vale, the librarians and the council etc, while indeed forces and while they definitely relate to the human citizens in weird ways... they’re still citizens. 

The Powers are TIED to the world of TMA, but an explicit part of it is that they’re fundamentally alien to it, too, and basically need to be forced in.

vildflower said: but yeah,, hope you don’t mind the long rant rip aksk but at this point I’m pretty sure one could draw up a list of some 15 nightvale entities too lmao

(fdsdgh no you don’t need to apologize, I loved it and I’ve been thinking about this kind of thing a lot anyway too!!)

vildflower said: HOW COULD I FORGET! the glow cloud interacts w an even smaller group of people (the PTA) than the city council + angels!! I’d say they’re actually at the lowest rung cause they seemed to only be interested in josie; maybe their attachment to them in turn lead to be attached to nightvale even after she died?

actually the Glow Cloud works w/ the school board and seems to end up in conflict w/ the PTA and I only remember this because I was checking on it for something recently oops. 

ALSO THE ANGELS... YEAH THAT’S NEAT because!! they’re the only part of this that has an explicit connection to belief in canon!!

“They are all named Erika with a K. All angels are equal to all other angels. They share all memories and all physical sensations. They experience everything simultaneously. Their minds are overwhelmed with enlightenment and pain.

“They have no centralized leadership, but they do have committees, lots of committees. These committees do not have titles nor objectives. The committees simply emerge as needed...

“Angels have no bodies, only visual projections of winged, barely humanoid forms. These forms are dreamed up by those who see and acknowledge them, and may vary based on the viewer.

“The secret hierarchy of angels is an ethereal mass of feelings and thoughts made manifest by necessity. They’re only individual beings because we imagine them so, but they are collectively beings.”

But I think, yeah... Night Vale is, at its core, a community. And the worldbuilding of WTNV reflects that, even to the extent that belief is involved. I mean, really, the world does run on “belief” it’s just not a supernatural thing... We believe in the necessity of our social structures, so we create and act on them. 

And that’s what happens in Night Vale, it’s just that in Night Vale, a divine Glow Cloud runs the school board and the librarians will eat you. All the “forces” that we expect are there. Even though they’re strange (to us, at least), it’s all centered around the maintenance of a community. TMA has a much larger scope.

theres that whispering forest too and omg the desert otherworld, and the black star in ‘a story about you’ & other episodes; entities that manifest more as locations than sentient beings? 

So yes!! Night Vale as a place is definitely a gathering point for the weird. I think of Hiram’s favorite memory in this context, too - Hiram was happy in Night Vale because he could just live, for a while, anyway. Or at least, when people were upset, they weren’t upset by his nature as a five-headed dragon (who cares, right?) but because of what he did)

It does have a clear structure, but it’s not the same kind that the Powers operate under - WTNV (depending on interpretation, and none of it is canon tbh, as much as I love it) and TMA are both very different explorations of the connection between belief and reality.

Like the Whispering Forest is... well, apparently it’s its own town now. But it was sort of the local weird forest; it was... a citizen, maybe. In the way, indeed, that the Glow Cloud still is! It just wants to live (and grow. and expand) and Night Vale is a place it can do that. 

The Desert Otherworld seems to be connected to the Smiling God, although we don’t know much about how or why or if it’s always been that way. Dana saw some things, though, like when she almost forgot herself in the image of a triangle (iirc), not to mention the rumbling and whatever’s up with the Mudstone Abyss... And then it does have its connection to Night Vale, too, through the Dog Park... There’s a LOT going on w/ the Otherworld; that’s basically its own post dsfdgfdg 

And the dark planet lit by no sun is like. I admit I’ve never thought of it in the same light as the other things before! So I’d want to do that before going into it but that raises some SUPER interesting possibilities and if you have more thoughts I’d love to hear them! It definitely merits that further consideration. 

So in summary: TMA has rituals and avatars, and WTNV has community. I think.

[sophygurl]

Hi! I was just browsing through my activity and noticed that after I responded to your ask about ships a while back, you reblogged and shared your thoughts about Spuffy. I'm so glad you were able to read my opinions and understand them, even if you didn't agree with them. I just wanted to stop by and ask what your thoughts and feelings are on Spuffy? I'd love to hear your perspective :)

Oh wooooow, you have no idea how happy you just made me! I feel like I talk about spuffy quite a lot but without ever really saying much of anything because inside of me it’s just a lot of (!!!!!>?>>?!!?!>fjhghhf?!?!?!?!!?) YKWM? Like feels central exploding all over the place and it’s really difficult for me to put into coherent words. 

But I’ve also been wanting and meaning to write some serious spuffy meta and kinda dissect what it all means to me personally, as a survivor, for some time now. And like. Especially with all of this purity culture stuff coming to a head, it feels like a good time to take the time to try and do it because, yea, shit not only doesn’t have to be pure to be helpful - but sometimes the darker stuff IS the Most helpful. 

And I really did appreciate your perspective about the relationship because you talked about the ways in which it did and didn’t work for you without ever shaming anyone for the way it does work for them? And I wish we could all do that more. 

So thank you so much for sending me this ask, and asking for my perspective because sometimes all it takes for me to finally settle down and write something I wanna write anyways is to be asked by someone else to do it! 

This is absolutely gonna get long so have a read more cut.

For context, let me start by saying that I didn’t watch Buffy when it first aired - it was, mmm, I wanna say about 10-11 years ago when I decided to try it out. And while I was watching it, I was also in the midst of doing some heavy duty therapy work on my PTSD stemming from childhood sexual abuse and then some further traumas in my young adulthood that happened because of poor processing of said abuse. I’m not gonna get into details about my personal traumas except for some specific ways in which they relate to the lens in which I watched and processed the relationship between Buffy and Spike. BUT, due to that lens, there very well may be triggery content in this post. 

My experience watching Buffy, in general, started out with me being really unsure what the draw was in season 1 and then slowly getting more involved in the characters and relationships and mythos as the series developed into a more mature and nuanced show. I was really hooked by season five, and season six is my favorite, with seven a close second. 

I liked Buffy, the character, okay in the beginning but it wasn’t until she started really going through and processing her traumas that I started to personally connect to her. So season six was like, my jam. She was raw and stripped down to the nerve, and cycling between like outright rage to pure numbness and just lashing out trying desperately to feel and to make sense of her experiences and I was like - yea, Buffy, same, Same. And then in season seven she starts really contextualizing her trauma and using the pain of it to give herself more power and then sharing that power with others and it was just … fuck, I can’t even begin to tell you what that meant to me. In that last episode, I felt her handing me back my OWN power - like I FELT it - it really … anyway. We’ll get there.

And then there was Spike, who I loved right away. I love me some snarky villains. I love me the bad boy who has hidden depths inside of him. I love the villain who doesn’t … really fit the mold of the other villains in-verse. I love the villain who doesn’t mind working with the heroes if it fits his agenda. Basically, Spike was fictional catnip for me right out of the gate.

I adored Spike and Drusilla together for a lot of reasons, but for Spike to develop beyond just Big Bad, he had to fall out of her orbit, so I was okay with that ending.

On the other hand, I was never into Buffy and Angel. Watching the series as an adult, it just felt creepy to me how this old vampire basically stalked a very innocent-seeming to me teen Buffy. Their romance reminded me of girls I knew who fell for older guys when I was in high school where the older guy seemed sort of dangerous and mysterious and I get the draw from Her perspective - but not necessarily his? I don’t know, I just personally never really bought them being truly in love - they were sort of practice relationships for one another? Her as a young teenager, and him as someone just starting to re-learn humanity. I never Disliked them together… I just never shipped it. The idea of them being one another’s One True Love’s was just sorta meh to me. 

So when Spike started having his crush on Buffy? I was so ready for that. Because it was so silly at first, right? It was not serious. It was creepy and weird and wrong. But in a way that appealed to me. 

How do I explain? I guess, it had to do with all of the reasons that Spike was Not Like All The Other Villains/Vampires. Angel was always different but ONLY because he was cursed with a soul. It was a thing done TO him and when he reverted back to Angelus he was literally a whole different person and did not have any desire to turn back into Angel. When he was Angel, he was all brooding and guilt-ridden and terrified of his other self. 

But Spike was always different just because he was different. This didn’t mean he had a soul or a capacity for love or the ability to be a Good Guy. It just meant he worked a little differently than the other vampires. I truly think he loved and was devoted to Dru. I don’t think she was capable of returning that love in the same way. 

So, anyway, Spike is back and he’s split with Dru because Dru could just … tell … something was off and Spike was wanting to deny that but then suddenly - crush! Not love, not attraction, not lust, not desire - a freaking schoolboy crush.

But of course it was creepy because hello - soulless vampire who has never had a healthy relationship of any kind in his LIFE. But he starts doing these odd things, like wanting to comfort Buffy when he sees that she’s upset and being willing to take care of Dawn when no one else was available and HE doesn’t get it either, but somehow he’s becoming a slightly more decent person because of this weirdass crush? 

IDK, that’s appealing.

And let me clarify. It’s not appealing to me because I see myself in the Good Girl who can make a Bad Boy into a better person. That is never what’s appealed to be about these types of relationships. 

In large part because of my abuse, I see different layers of myself in each character. 

I went through a large portion of my life pretending very hard to be a Good Girl and then when I finally came out of denial about the abuse realized that was because inside I felt like a very Bad Girl and then as I pursued more recovery realized it’s all a lot more complex than that but really I’ve been more of a Decent Person who felt like a Bad Person trying really hard to be a Good Person. I hope that makes sense.

But the point is. I see myself in both the Good and the Bad characters in these sorts of push-pull love-hate dynamic relationships.

And what I love about spuffy, specifically, is that they’re both … both. Eventually. I’m getting ahead of myself. But yes, Spike suddenly wanting to be decent here and there because of his weird developing feelings for Buffy appealed to me - and especially to part of me that feels Bad. I’m Spike in this scenario, not Buffy. 

But I’m also Buffy, being really grossed by this Bad Person’s interest in me. When Buffy throws her money at Spike and says he’s not good enough for her - that’s me hating myself and saying I’m not good enough. But it’s also, strangely, me taking a stand and saying I’m worth better than the ways in which I was treated.

Gods, this whole abuse recovery dichotomy can be so confusing to explain because like. I never abused anyone. But the ugliness I feel inside of myself has to do with what happened to me, and also with what I know people in my family have done to others. So there’s this idea of Badness there. And the idea of there being forgiveness and redemption for that Badness is very very appealing.

And at the same time? There’s this beauty inside of myself that I always thought I was faking but that it turns out - is fucking real and precious and important. And standing up for that broken beautiful part of myself and saying no to being used and abused again is so powerful.

So in that scene? I’m the ugliness in Spike being hated by Buffy but I’m ALSO the powerful beauty in Buffy standing up for herself.

You can maybe see how this all gets even more tangled up the further we go, yea?

So Spike gets chipped and becomes a part of the team - all the while simultaneously reminding them that he’s still a Bad Guy AND slowly becoming a slightly better person because of his interactions with them and his feelings for Buffy. He’s not even close to redeemed, okay, he’s still a villain. He’s just a more and more intriguing villain, an anti-villain, even, eventually.

And then season six. And Buffy comes back. And she’s broken and raw and needing something that her friends cannot give her. She is needing to connect to the darkness inside of herself, and who is waiting there for her? 

And so yea, okay, hatesex is very appealing to me just inandofitself. It’s like double the passion and it’s animalistic and there’s something so sexy and gratifying about two people just using one another with equal force, yk? 

And Spike and Buffy are physically matched perfectly. She can take all her anger and pain and rage out on him without permanently damaging him. And she’s NEVER been able to let loose like that before. Her first time with Angel was a more tender and sweet moment and then - welp - turns out they can’t do the do. And otherwise she’s been with humans who she’s had to hold back with. There was zero holding back with Spike. 

So from Buffy’s perspective, there’s this amazing relief and release and yea, even, empowerment in being able to just freely let herself go in this way. 

From Spike’s point of view, it was about more. And here is where I feel for him because, at this point he’s still not really capable of love in the way we talk about it as being something from a soul. He’s chipped but not soul’d. He has strong feelings for Buffy that no vampire (besides cursed-soul Angel) should be able to have. But it’s not … quite … love. It’s passion and it’s care and it’s wanting and it’s even becoming something like friendship. But it’s not love, much as he thinks it is.

But he does Think it is. And he’s thinking it’s the same for her, but she just can’t admit it, yet. The hatesex to him … is just  … sex. And he fully believes he’s winning her over. And so her constant rejection of him as a fully human person with a soul and feelings guts him - even as he’s still trying to convince himself that he does love her and she does somehow secretly love him back. 

The fact that she keeps using him physically, and also keeps coming to him for emotional support, supports this belief and keeps him from understanding the reality of the situation.

Now, I think I mentioned than when I was watching this for the first time I was in heavy duty therapy mode yea? Well, there was another even heavier duty therapy mode a good tenish years prior when I had first admitted to the abuse I experienced and got really good and fucked up and made some bad personal decisions and here is where some of that comes to play because I saw myself in this scenario - again from both sides.

I am Buffy learning to enjoy the pleasures of my body and sexuality for the first time but also making really bad decisions about who to share that with because I am still so new to processing my trauma.

I am also Spike - longing for something more and better and being told (by myself) that I was not good enough, that I was bad, that I was not a full human person who deserved good things or good relationships.

(There, there, pastme - it does get better)

Back to first-time-Buffy-watching me. And I am enjoying the HECK out of the spuffy sex and I am feeling for poor pining Spike and feeling for Buffy who is hating herself for what she’s doing and also shipping them like WHOA because there is so much about their dynamic that is just sexy and fun and FEELS everywhere. 

But I knew Seeing Red was coming, because I did have a few things spoiled for me just by existing in the world for years without having watched the show yet myself. I really didn’t wanna watch it, or the rest of season six. So I got into a spiral of just watching the earlier parts of the season over and over - specifically the musical and through the 3 episodes of heavy spuffy sex. I did a LOT of processing during this time and then eventually girded myself to watch what I knew was coming. 

And Seeing Red is awful. Traumatic. Triggering. Terrible. But also, like, gods, did it make sense for where these two characters were at this point in time? I didn’t feel like it was contrived or somehow put in just for the heck of it. It made sense in the narrative. Spike legitimately just did not get it. He did not realize he was attempting rape until … finally … he did. 

And the horror of that, the horror of realizing that he almost did that to the ONE person in the world that he has ever cared that much about? Broke him. Sent him off on a magical quest to get his fucking soul back.

No one did that. Even Angel was Cursed with his soul, right? No vampire ever wanted to get their soul back - even had enough non-ensouled feelings to have the ability to want such a thing. Not to mention going through the trials of actually getting it back.

Season seven Spike is such a different beast. He’s messed up from the soul-thing, but I honestly believe Most of his messed-up-ness came from what The First was doing to/through him. Because … gods, okay.

When Spike goes through the flashbacks and recognizes what his trigger is? (Like the show legit uses PTSD terminology here - it was a Trigger) He processes his Own old traumas and he is able to tell Robin basically - fuck it, I know who I am. I know I did terrible things without my soul, but I can’t and won’t beat myself up for that (for example the way Angel does) because it wasn’t entirely my fault and all I can control now is who I am now and what I do now.

Now THAT spoke to me as a trauma survivor. Stop hanging on to all of this so-called badness inside, forgive yourself, and move on. WOW. Fucking powerful. 

And what he DOES choose to do is to be there for Buffy in any way she will allow him to.

Ensouled Spike is no longer creeping around her or making weird assumptions about her or trying to Get something From her. Ensouled Spike defends her when others attack. Ensouled Spike holds her all night when she needs it and gives her pep talks and asks what he can do to help and accepts when he can’t help and just stands there quietly willing to do battle With her. 

I just … phew… that makes me emotional. 

Because, again, I look back at some of those dysfunctional relationships I got into in my early 20′s and like. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that. 

And my attraction to the Fictional Bad Boy with a Hidden Heart of Gold was never about expecting any of them to. I was with them, unconsciously or even some cases consciously, on purpose to punish myself or to work out past traumas with or just to Feel Something. I never expected or even necessarily wanted deep love from them.

So, here’s the thing. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that for me. Nor I them. 

So Spike slowly gaining his redemption through his willingness to become a better person because of his love of Buffy? Fucking spoke to me.

And Buffy slowly accepting the darker parts of herself through her willingness to let Spike into her orbit because of her feelings for him? Fucking yes. 

And when she hands him the - shit it’s been a long time - that medallion meant for a champion? And he doesn’t think he’s worthy, but she says she knows he is. Fuck!!! That is ME accepting ME, okay? All of myself, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the messed up and the slowly healing. All of it. 

And when he sacrifices himself in the end??? When that’s how she’s finally able to defeat The First? All that power sharing with all of the other women was *chefkiss* but it also took Spike. Spike who stormed on the scene in season two with snark and a twisted sense of love and no desire to ever be a hero? That Spike!? Sacrificing himself and STILL NOT BELIEVING BUFFY LOVES HIM. 

Because by then, let’s be clear, she did. Maybe not the same way he loved her, but she did love him. And he doesn’t believe it, can’t believe himself worthy of that love. But he sacrifices himself ANYway?

THAT Spike? Is no longer asking anything in return. He gives all of himself and won’t even accept her statement of love in return. “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it anyway.” Just AUGJH?!? You know??? 

That was me … redeeming me … for me…. 

So anyway. 

I just want to add that AS I WAS WRITING THIS OUT, I got another ask in my inbox stating “People who like problematic or villainous characters are apologist for shitty people and should rethink their life because they’re shitty people.”

And this is the exact WRONG time to come for me like this because I just poured out my entire traumatized abuse surviving soul into the internet to explain why watching a problematic villain evolve and learn to do better helped ME to contextualize and process my fucking trauma. So fuck you. People who write anonymous hate without knowing the full story are being shitty and should rethink their actions because they’re shitting on actual REAL LIFE COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE. 

The end. 

[thereadingchallengechallenge]

Review: Girl in the Window by Penny Joelson Rating: 3/5

“We were hidden, our stories never told. But now our lives have changed - we see the light.”

Kasia has Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and has been more or less trapped in her house for the last eight months. Unable to go out and interact with the world without utterly exhausting herself, she spends most of her time looking out her bedroom window. But when she witnesses a girl being abducted in her street, she is brave enough to call the police. But she was not the only witness. There was a girl in the window across the street too and Kasia is determined to find out if she knows anything about what happened too.

I absolutely loved Joelson's first novel, I Have No Secrets, and I was so excited to read another novel about a disabled teenager solving crimes while taking care of their health. Girl in the Window gave me half of that. Joelson brings us another intriguing mystery and I enjoyed reading about how Kasia helped Reema. And I really liked learning about Kasia's ME and seeing how the condition affected her, especially since it’s #OwnVoices representation.

But Kasia's constant disregard for her own health while simultaneously complaining about nobody understanding how her illness worked was infuriating. I get that she was only 14 and in that stage where she just wants to be like everyone else but she clearly understood her illness and her limitations but just kept ignoring them. This especially annoyed me when she went on a date with an obnoxious boy, completely ignoring all her triggers and boundaries. When, oh when, am I going to get a YA novel where the love interest is respectful about the disabled character's illness and needs?

Because while there is Nav, the boy who moves in across the street, he is not as respectful as I think Joelson wanted him to come across. Nav is simultaneously sensitive to Kasia’s health issues and also really disrespectful. It’s not okay for anybody, disabled or not, to tell someone how they should be handling their illness if they aren't that person's doctor. If a person with an illness or disability isn’t doing something, there’s a good reason for it. It was so frustrating to read Nav telling Kasia what to do as if he knew her body and her limitations better than she did.

What I did like about this novel was the storyline with Reema. I haven't read any books about victims of trafficking before and it was heartbreaking to see how she was treated and how afraid she was to reach out for help. I don't know how accurate or sensitive the portrayal was but if you wanted to learn a little about what it's like for the victim, this might be a good place to start. I think if Joelson had focused on this part of the story, perhaps giving us a dual narrative to deepen the friendship between Kasia and Reema, it would've elevated the novel to the same level as Joelson's debut.

While I didn't find this as good as Joelson's first novel, it was still an interesting story with a diverse cast of characters.

Warnings: Ableism and references to human trafficking.

[kemeticcalloutsfromthepublic]

To Light A Magic Fart

We have been made aware that our latest commentary has elicited a rant.

https://web.archive.org/save/https://smarmykemeticpagan.wordpress.com/2019/02/12/liminality-divine-intervention-and-other-heresies/

We would like begin by saying the first half of this rant is not only a misdirect but a lot of personal stuff that is outside our targeted topics of commentary so we shall be skipping that.

“As I type all this, I feel a strange sense of bewilderment. I’ve read very little on liminal spaces, magical theory, mythic time, or Dionysus; and yet I’m sitting here, trying to tell my own story and no one else’s, and finding myself describing something that I somehow, recognize as being intimately connected to all of these things at once. “

We must inform you this is very doubtful.  As someone who has crusaded against actual knowledge and those who teach it, study it, and understand it, you suddenly valuing any knowledge you are adamant against giving any sense of importance, this is a contradiction.  We would like to remind you, you have spent years demonizing those who are academically minded, who would possess the best supply of these topics of information.  We need to remind you, you have chased, and guided newcomers away from these very informed and academic individuals with a very glib and dismissive expressions that they are somehow morally and emotionally defective.

We need to remind you, you have spent more posts declaring how unimportant and meaningless academic resources, information, and knowledgeable people who covet such information, that it boggles the mind how you can sit here now and suddenly have an appreciation for information and knowledge.  We must say that is highly convenient, almost like you are a bag of contradictions and hyperbole.

“ I don’t know. Maybe I can’t know. Maybe knowing how and why this is happening isn’t the point. “

We would like to mention that in every occurrence that knowledge is passed on from a deity it is made obvious that it is given by them.  We would like to remind you, this would be conferred as a minor miracle and the god that granted it would not do so with a cloak and dagger delivery.

“Maybe no matter how strange and fantastic my real life is...“

We can not believe you, as you complain constantly about how you are incredibly oppressed and put-upon by the evil capitalist misogynistic patriarchy, holding you in a death grip of poverty...strange and fantastic is not the picture you spent years painting.  If you’d like to recant those lies and give a more accurate depiction of your life, feel free, no need to keep up the pretense.

“... there will always be some way that I and everyone else can convince ourselves that there must be a perfectly mundane, scientific explanation for everything, that nothing truly magical could ever possibly happen in our actual, physical lives. “

We would like to say this is a gross generalization that disturbs us greatly.  We would like to mention that, something can be scientific and still be magical.  Magical events do not have to be beyond scientific involvement or divorced from the world in a separate sphere.  They are part of the same world, they occupy the same space.  Magic is everywhere, and science just helps us understand how that natural magic works.  We understand the gist of what you are attempting to say but it’s so mushmouth muddled with it loses cohesion.  We would like to simplify, you’re wrong.  --Memphis

Not familiar with the idea that magic is only science we don’t understand yet, are you?  The world is as magical as you make it. --Cairo

“In fact, if I had done what nigh on every single Hellenic polytheist told me, 3 years ago, that I absolutely must do before I was allowed to even talk to any of the Theoi; i.e., devote far more time, money, and energy than I even had... “

You’d have a functional well structured and meaningful religious practice that you can easily make a habit to exercise, in order to have an actual religious practice and not just invent it on a whim while screeching “muh poverty lack of resources”, in a religious practice that has its ancient methodologies of worship and practice well outlined with a knowledgeable community that could inform you of them and help you?  We can see how dreadful that would have been!  Better you avoided any of that ACTUAL respecting the gods with their own religious practices which are time tested and just dump a can of wine on the ground, belch and in tone “amen, bro”.--Memphis

If every single practitioner of a religion is telling you that you do something, perhaps that’s how the religion is actually practiced?  Just saying.--Cairo

”I would still be refusing to accept the very possibility that the Theoi are real, and trying to communicate with me, and weren’t just trying to kick the shit out of me because I ‘m not “humble” enough to be allowed to even casually worship them, or even think about wanting to worship them. That is the extent to which I have been gaslighted by an ableist, sexist, queerphobic world...”

We must inform you this is not gaslighting, and none of this is true.  You’re so buried helplessly in the twisted murky interior of your own ideology that you have bought into all the lies and fables it has generated.  Snap out of it!

“It’s because polytheists are, for the most part, every bit as closed-minded and self-righteous as the Southern Baptists who told me I was an abomination and a Devil worshipper and a degenerate for being a queer witch who talked back to pastors and smoked weed.“

We must inform you, you are confused.  These are your actions which you committed upon every community you attempted to infect like herpes.  Anyone who didn’t bow down to every word of your vapid ideology was to be summarily purged.  You created an entire callout blog (which we parody), to bully, harrass and purge people you deem morally corrupt and a heretic to your divinely sanctioned and holy edicts of social justice that must be obeyed to the letter.  You terrorized this community for years with it, dividing it, polarizing it and demonizing our gods, twisting them into these token puppets you can make spit out any words you want to give yourself the squishy feels. 

The only ones who act like southern Baptists or medieval catholic inquisitors, are you and your friends.  Don’t try to backpedal that YOU are the victim here, you are the bully, the aggressor, the one causing harm. 

Some sects of polytheism have actual ancient records detailing proper practices to how their religion is followed.  While following them in personal practice is largely voluntary, they are the methods espoused to have been prescribed by the gods of their own religion.  It’s just respectful to those gods to follow such practices.

”Because of all this, polytheists are perfectly willing to bully, threaten, gaslight, and otherwise abuse young, vulnerable people in their midst who even for one minute threaten their perceived “respectability” in the eyes of the mainstream and of their favorite Big Name Pagans. They are perfectly willing to ignore the real problems in our community -bullying, toxic groupthink, overwhelming authoritarianism, rape culture and misogyny, TERFS and other assorted trans/homophobes, bigots of every kind, ableism to the point that the first thing anyone says to discredit me is that I’m “obviously hallucinating” when I talk about astral stuff or magic (that’s not how hallucinations fucking work you fucking morons! Read a book every now and then, for chrissake), and goddamn actual Nazis- in favor of whining about how Pop Culture Pagans or “fluffy” people or “loudmouthed brats” are OMG THE REASON NO ONE TAKES US SERIOUSLY!1!!11!!! They do all of these things, and simultaneously fancy themselves particularly enlightened, superior to followers of “”Abrahamic religions””, by virtue of simply “following the old gods” and “being connected to nature”, or whatever.”

We are touched, this is clear vagueblogging about us.  What was it you said...

Seriously though, you left this on our post as if you don’t care, and then wrote this thesis of how much it bothers you and you do care.  You’re pathetic.

“Because of this shallow, petty, and toxic paradigm that permeates basically every single official pagan and polytheist space, it is almost impossible for most of us to really, meaningfully connect and communicate with our gods. “

We must inform you, this is fundamentally untrue.  You’re reaching again.--Memphis

Citation needed.  This mod has actually heard more complaints that name you, Devo, and your friends specifically as making it difficult to practice, than heard such complaints about other online spaces.--Cairo

“Because of this shallow, petty, and toxic paradigm that permeates basically every single official pagan and polytheist space, it is almost impossible for most of us to really, meaningfully connect and communicate with our gods. Human beings are intimately social creatures; we are constantly, consciously and subconsciously, affected by the social environment that we are in, whether we like it or not and whether we know it or not. It’s basically impossible not to be drawn in by the assumptions everyone around you makes and operates on, even if we’re ignoring thoughtforms and energies and other woo stuff. Polytheists have convinced ourselves that anything we experience that’s in any way out of the ordinary; in any way not exactly what the historical record we currently have portrays…in other words, anything that might realistically be a part of interacting with actual deities and doing actual magic, absolutely will be called a delusion, an attention-seeking stunt, an idiotic act of hubris, an attempt to “start a cult” or gain coercive power over others, an evil and sacrilegious act, or all of the above, by anyone and everyone in our community who wants to discredit whatever it is we’re saying. No wonder even people who have fantastic experiences doubt themselves, or refuse to go public with it; I’m not a particularly sensitive person by a long shot, and I often have to steel myself to be honest online because of the (attempted) bullying and public shaming that I know for a fact will result from it.“

More about us.  You must love us dearly.  We must inform you, again you are entirely wrong.  You literally told Set in that interview post, you would start a cult.  You adhere to a collectivist ideology that operates on the concept of original sin and so everyone of that group must atone for the sins of the group for every instance in history.  You follow an ideology that abhors individual worth and thought over the group opinion and the group’s collective thought, in which any dissent and the individual will be sacrificed to ensure purity of the group.  You operate like a wanna-be cult leader who wants a cult.

You have done alot of evil in this community and you called it righteous because your ideology decrees it must be.  Your every action is dictated by it, your every thought is shaped by it to the point you declared that a god who historically always supported a theocratic monarchy...suddenly fell in love with socialism/communism...an inherently destructive and genocidal form of government and philosophy.  One that has claimed over 100 million lives, and more?!  That is alot ot buy, smarmy, a LOT to buy.  We didn’t even mention how he just outright confirms all your political points, thoughts, beliefs, and heralds them as divinely sanctioned?!  We don’t have to know how the stove top makes the coil red hot to understand touching it will burn.--Memphis  

Others have said it, and this mod will say it again:  It is not that you are sharing your personal experiences that is the problem; it is that you are stating them as being as factually true as peer reviewed historical sources.  You can believe what you want, but it is absolutely dishonest and disgusting to expect and insist that the rest of the community treat it as fucking holy scripture.--Cairo 

“I’m not a particularly sensitive person by a long shot...”

We would like to say, considering you felt the need to write this dissertation of drivel, you most certainly are sensitive.

“If you say you worship Set, but then spit in the face of his ideals in almost every mundane action you take -from the way you treat people traditionally associated with him to the way you think and talk about mundane, real-world chaos, riots, criminals, and political violence- are you actually worshipping Set, or are you just worshipping your own assumptions about Set?“

We are amazed at how unironic you write this and yet, it’s like you wrote this looking in a mirror.

“And if the very fact that someone online who you don’t like has posted UPG about Set condemning your actions and behavior…causes you to post frantic, histrionic paragraphs about how the person in question is an evil, power-hungry, lunatic aspiring cult leader who is “evidently” crazy and lying and trying to manipulate the entire kemetic community and also is in league with the Sn/ake that wants to destroy existence itself, are you really prioritizing your devotion to Set? Or are you prioritizing your own ego, because you refuse to even entertain the possibility that you could be wrong and ought to change your behavior in some way in order to better honor him? “

Wow again, you gazed in the mirror.  None of our commentaries, nor those of any of your critics, are frantic, nor histrionic, but it is apparent that you are and you do.  They are not the ones fueled by such deep seething hatred and rage for anything outside your own myopic and narrow minded views.  They aren’t the ones demanding slavish devotion to an ideology that history has proven is murderous and dangerous.  They aren’t the ones who profess to be ‘on the side of the angels’ and in the same breath long for violent rebellious war to shred the country and slaughter millions.  You are a hateful person devoid of compassion and an enemy of anything resembling freedom. 

We see you have again mistaken UPG for something provable.  If you had written that interview and stated that you wrote Set’s dialogue intuitively, or you interpreted them, rather then composed the transcript verbatim...we’d have been more lenient with our criticisms.  We point out, every word of his dialogue was verbatim your own, that you have ranted about for the years.  Every bit, from his diction, to his syntax, from tone to word choices was entirely from your own and not from an external source.  The fact it entirely vindicates every word of your political tripe, your beliefs and ideology, to the decimal place, is evidence that it’s not from any external source, or external spiritual entity but from you.  This was a complete fiction.

To state that “anyone who disagrees with smarmy, Set and his people gunna git’ya”, is such a colossal over reach that it strains believably.  We are certain that any god who loves their devotee would say they will defend them against attack, but this.  We must inform you this is something else entirely.

We are quite certain we don’t need to change our behavior to profess your ideals as our own and bow down to accept communism and socialism or even anarchism as the true path forwards.  We don’t need to throw away any sense of actual morality to support systems that have led to more destruction and death then any others in history and recorded memory. 

We are also not above admitting if we are wrong, but when it comes to you and how you abuse the name of the gods for your own twisted ends, we aren’t.

We are however, certain you are.  You are so in love with your own ideological puppetry that you not only profess that a god has endorsed you 100%, promised to smite all who oppose you, promise you power and prestige as his precious prophet of his ideals (which you forced into him).  So deeply entrenched in this ideology and stances of no matter what the cost, no matter how ridiculous, you can never admit to being wrong when facing any dissenting voices or else it instantly negates all of your teachings, beliefs, and words (which it only does because you made them so absolute), that you cannot admit you are wrong and can only dig deeper down this endless trench of foolishness and madness. 

We have no doubts the S/na/ke influences you, it praises you, it agrees with you, it gives you whatever you want, the sense of righteousness that you’re never wrong and always on the side of purity, everyone else is evil, everyone else is impure, everyone else is wrong, everyone else is at fault...That is the danger of isfet and the parasitic spirits that serve it, and you let them in.

“ I believe that gods are huge, ancient, and multi-faceted, so sure, it’s possible that there’s a version of Set out there that likes racist bootlickers and encourages them to follow the law no matter the human cost“

This is among the most offensive things you’ve ever said.  Historical record cannot be dismissed and hand-waved away of how these gods have acted in the past and expect they did a full 180.  We would like to mention, that once again, like any good cult leader, you degrade anyone who dissents.  We would like to state you are completely off the mark, you have no understanding of this god if you honestly think he loves communism and loves nazism and loves racism because ‘there MUST be an aspect of him that likes it’.  We need to remind you, that would make him evil.  This is a complete insult to a god you claim to love and worship.  This is a damning and horrible thing to say about a god you claim to respect.  This shows us you have nothing but sheer contempt for the gods, so you invent a twisted and corrupted idea of them.  We need to remind you, it’s bullshit like this that makes us say your a delusional child aspiring cult leader who is aligned with the sn/a/ke, if you honestly think this about Set.  We are disgusted, you do this noble god, so much dishonor.  --Memphis

How dare you.  How dare you insult a god you claim to be even an outlaw priest of with such a foul misunderstanding of his character?!  Even for hyperbolic rhetoric?!  Can you not have even the barest smidgen of respect for the god you claim to serve or worship?  Or are the words that describe the most basic relationship of priesthood too uncomfortable for you?--Cairo

“ ... to “keep it real” by regurgitating tired and ignorant bigoted stereotypes and acting as though the fact the stereotype exists at all is somehow evidence that you’re right to be a bigot; and believe that “illegals” seeking asylum so that they and their families won’t fucking die are inherently dangerous enough to justify putting them in motherfucking concentration camps. But just because it’s possible doesn’t necessarily mean it’s very likely, now does it? “

We would ask if you ever get tired of making sweeping incorrect generalizations that make you look stupid but we already know the answer.  If you’d like to discuss what we believe regarding various political situations, we at KCFTP would be happy to chat, but do stop shoving words and beliefs into our and everyone mouths that do not apply.--Memphis

Who the fuck is Smarmy even talking about here?--Cairo

“No wonder people react to anyone showing historically common, textbook behaviors of a person being called to spirit work or reacting to being in a liminal space or state of mind, with derision and scorn and bullying. Genuine liminality, one of the main historical requirements for communicating with gods or using magic, is almost universally despised and cursed by modern-day polytheists as heresy.“

We would like to say this literally never happens.  This is a bold faced lie.  We knew you could not help it!--Memphis

That is really fucking weird, every discussion I’ve had with other polytheists and pagans has touched on how to communicate with gods, spirits, and other entities, magic, or other things that require having a foot in multiple worlds.  Everyone usually seems pretty eager to talk about such things.  Unusual for something “universally despised and cursed.”--Cairo  

“LGBT+ people are stereotyped as “special snowflakes” and yelled at about “assigning modern labels to gods” when we say that deities who canonically act as multiple genders or sleep with same-gendered-beings, are queer like us. “

We would like to clarify, no smarmy, that’s just you and your ilk...and it’s by other LBGT+ people...Stop trying to be some martyr, you aren’t.  Go outside, get off the internet.

“ Young people are bullied and publicly shamed on a regular basis if they run afoul of the wrong “Big Name Pagan”, and people smugly tell themselves and each other that it is, somehow, for the kid’s own good because they have to be “taught a lesson in humility” and “being the bigger person” or some other fucking nonsense that sounds like it fell directly from the mouths of actual child abusers and predators. “

So anyone who disagrees with you are child abusers and predators now too!?  We would like to say that is astounding, almost like it’s entirely fiction.  We’d also like to mention, the only BIG Name Pagans around here are you and Devo, and you guys are constantly a problem.  Maybe its you who needs to “be taught a lesson in humility” because you are no where near humble and you are among the most abusive individuals in this community.--Memphis

Said it before, will say it again.  We have seen you and your crew bully and publicly shame far more people in this particular community than any of us.  We’re not the ones who started the Kemetic Callout war, only the ones who have arguably been more successful at it.  And your callout blog only has the people who talked back and wouldn’t bend, it doesn’t count the many who bowed and broke before your bullying or those who left here altogether.--Cairo  

“Until sharing UPG that goes against the more popular narratives no longer makes one a social pariah among their polytheist peers, nobody should be surprised that it’s almost exclusively the heretical, disrespectful punks who are constantly being publicly snubbed and dismissed by their peers, who ever seem to talk about seeing any results or evidence that anything out-of-the-ordinary is actually going on. “

Translation: “Until I can share my UPG and it is believed as absolute fact without any question, and be heralded as the divine truth, the community is a shitshow!”--Memphis

As long as your UPG agrees 100% with your own personal and political beliefs, it will and should be questioned.  Whatever your stance, the gods have a wider experience and knowledge base than we do and will always have a different perspective.  Any spirit that tells you everything you want to hear and flatters you shamelessly is no god and has no good intentions towards you in the end.--Cairo

“Until we all accept that it doesn’t matter if Christians and mainstream secular people think we’re weird and so we don’t need to constantly jump through hoops to seem Academic™ and Serious™ and Normal™, nobody should be surprised that the only public discussions that don’t devolve into nasty name-calling matches are ones facilitated by a handful of holier-than-thou assholes who treat having a PhD in Philosophy as though it’s a permission slip from the gods themselves to be a self-righteous, know-it-all douche, and never really allow any disagreement with them on anything important.“

Translation: “We need to continue being edgy punk teens who disrespect gods and culture and snub actual belief systems by turning them into comical satires of themselves, until the people smarter then us give up and let us have all the power, while we use our UPG to try and seem way more divinely important then we actually are by assigning ourselves flashy titles and divine endorsements!!! Cause if the gods support US, then we can’t be wrong!”

We would like to remind you that history is fraught with oppressive regimes who used this tactic, one example is the Spanish Inquisition.  Did you agree with them torturing and killing people to force them into conversion?  Another example we would like to mention is the North Korean regimes.  The ones who still have ACTUAL concentration camps. 

We would like to mention, China now has concentration camps where they hold and torment innocent Muslim citizens, and Chechnya who still have death camps where they send gay and LGBT citizens. 

We would like to mention these go entirely against your belief and political structures about LGBT+ issues, oppression, and gay rights.  We notice you never mention those.  We notice you never complain about them and how evil they are. We wonder, is it because it goes against your narrative of “communism is the truth and the way” or do you just not care? 

We would like to point out it would seem like those are true injustices you could fight against and for...not...how everyone needs to behave and believe how you want.

We would like to set the snark aside for a second and say, we’re always up for discussions.  We need to clarify that you always reduce the conversations to insults and calling everyone who disagrees with you “racist bootlickers”, so the issue is not on our side, but with you, so stop lying that we and all your critics are the unreasonable ones.

“And until we care more about taking care of each other than protecting our deities’ reputations, nobody should be surprised when our community remains a toxic, misogynistic, homophobic, Nazi-infested shithole, while everyone is more than happy to spend hours arguing about the particulars of shrine setups and deity name pronunciations and whether or not it’s okay to offer potato chips and Netflix binges to ancient deities who, ultimately, realistically are not that likely to give a shit either way. “

Literal Nazis wandered into our community and your reaction was “meh so what” and continued bullying other innocent people, who you labeled as nazis and racists.  You’re a one tune piano smarmy, and you just keep tooting the same tune.  It wasn’t believable when you were “the holy ambassador, ordained by Jesus, to the hellenics” it is not believable now.

“Until we fix the problems with our collective paradigm, until we fix the way we treat each other, until we genuinely value wisdom, compassion, humility, and courage over our reputations, we are all gonna have to accept that the gods we worship are not all that interested in revealing their actual, authentic, awesome, strange and unexpected powers to people who are determined to believe they are either incapable or unwilling to do so.“

We agree, you should start treating people better, starting with inatier and all the other people you’ve spent YEARS defaming, bullying, berating, harassing, snubbing, and demonizing.--Memphis

Actions speak louder than words Smarmy, and based on yours none of these are your values.  We have seen you bully and cast aside community members who did their research and were willing to share, we have seen your utter lack of compassion throughout your time here with anyone who has the nerve to disagree with you, and the idea of you having humility is a joke.  You worry more about being seen as your edgy, antifa, communist [insert additional labels here} self than about having the courage to suck it up, show some compassion, and value the wisdom of trying to mend the fences you have broken so badly over the years.

Additionally, we have had no problem seeing the many wondrous and varied faces of our gods because we are not hell bent on forcing them into tiny boxes that fit only our own personal beliefs.  If this is a problem you have been having, perhaps you should take your own advice.--Cairo

My colleagues have added much to these particular points of your diatribe, but I’ll add my bit here. While it seems like you may be in a better place physically (despite claiming you know more about psychology and medicine than your previous doctors do), you seem to be going down a dark, dangerous road mentally. You might just find yourself in jail yet, or worse if you don’t reevaluate your thinking.

“The insomnia is what caused my other symptoms to get so bad that they become delusions, paranoia, mania, and once, auditory hallucinations.” So you’re admitting to having breaks from reality, along with your emotional instability. Yet, you get butthurt when people are skeptical to your religious experiences. I’m no psychologist, admittedly, but I don’t automatically trust random people’s religious experiences, much less someone with a history of psychosis. Whether it’s you or anyone else. 

I would also recommend you be very, very careful using THC. I don’t know what medications you’re taking, but THC can interact with several different drugs, including Prozac. High levels of THC can cause paranoia and psychosis as well. 

You’re trying to act as a leader and activist when you’re still dealing with some very serious conditions. This is why so many people recommend to not use magic or occultic practices when dealing with mental health. People are not being elitist or ableist when they do this. The whole purpose is to encourage others to first attain treatment for their conditions. You’ve been claiming your own voice as Set’s, threatening violence to attain your desires in regards to politics, and using magic to harm your political enemies. You refuse to understand the motivations of people who don’t hold the same political opinions - even “centrists”, so that even the politically moderate are your enemies. This is even a symptom of borderline personality disorder, which you say you’re diagnosed with. Clearly, your symptoms aren’t completely managed.

https://www.webpsychology.com/news/2015/09/01/dangers-black-and-white-thinking-228391

You have a long way to go in terms of healing. You can blame the outside world all you like for not getting treatment or for a lack of progress, but your mental health is YOUR responsibility and you need to take responsibility and fix yourself before you’re in any position to try and “fix” the world with your ideology.

I highly encourage you to take a break and get some further professional help; wherever you are and however you can get it. Your writings are extremely troubling to us here. The last thing you need is to get arrested or committed trying to “punch a Nazi” or “take down the system”. You’re going to really screw up any chances of getting on your feet, getting treatment, and doing something actually meaningful with your life if you continue down this road.

--Karnak

[godkilller]

[ Do you think that Gin, due to having not had his mother in his life to raise him to be understanding of the social norms and etiquettes that people follow, that he had to, in a sense, raise himself with the turmoils and harshness of the world that he had to live in? In a sense, he was raised by "mother nature", and mother nature certainly isn't the best mother for children to grow up learning from. Do you think that Gin's slightly 'creepy' ways of expressing himself and his emotions are 1/2 ]

[ this fact? For example, he was never taught about emotions like love and hate, and about things like personal space and social etiquette, so he came up with some warped sense of them as a child which influenced how he would act about things in future (his plot to kill Aizen, his love for Rangiku, his constant Duchenne grin, and his constant toying about with characters like Rukia and Ichigo). Could it also be why he was able to kill without any remorse when he was only a child as well? ]

          I have to start this off with a thank you–because I’m really not accustomed to followers / people outside of my immediate roleplay circle being engaged with the content I post. It’s extremely exciting! You raise some good theories, too, friendo! 

          It’s important to note that Shinigami / souls, once they’re reincarnated within Soul Society, the Rukongai, etc., they have no memories of their previous life. Gin cannot recall his mother from when he was human, nor will he know of the loss of her somewhere deep down in his heart. Souls are cleansed in their passage to Soul Society, and in the general scheme of reincarnation—-so Gin’s inner workings can’t be attributed to the lack of his mother or a mother-like figure, because he’d be unaware that he was lacking anything of that nature.

          That’s where I’ll start: simple unawareness. Gin’s seen helping out a collapsed Rangiku by the side of a beaten up dirt path. There’s no one else around, which assumes that he was well-past the outskirts of any nearby village. Gin did not, also, seem to be lost or wandering. It’s important to note that, because it means Gin prior to meeting Rangiku had minimal interactions with others—-he lived an outcast’s life, most likely akin to how Aizen, too, was completely alone during his days in the Rukongai. He’s not aware that his life could be anything different. Beyond the merchants in which Gin likely stole from to get by, Gin did not have anyone that knew his name.

          It’s even implied, just by the sheer simplicity of his name’s meaning, that Gin named himself one day—-a boy, nameless, wandering the woods, looking into a moonlit pond or creek’s reflection, finally sees that yes, I’m silver. This name could have been with him since his rebirth within the Rukongai, but it’s unlikely. This further implies that Gin had absolutely nobody in his life before he met Rangiku.

          Meeting Rangiku, and immediately helping her before he even knew her name (or she knew his) also gives us insight that as a child Gin instinctively wants to help others. He was not taught that, he naturally wished to share his rare and prized favorite snack not because someone told him he should, but because he wanted to. It is with Rangiku that Gin shows his seemingly first sign of compassion. It is also the moment he ceases being a child, and becomes instead a caretaker.

          We don’t know where Rangiku was before, but she looked far worse for wear when she was initially picked up by Gin off that pathway. Her clothes were torn and dirty and she looked malnourished, though that could have been due to the men attacking her to steal part of her soul for Aizen’s Hogyoku. Back to the malnourishment, however—-it’s a theme, like with Rukia and Renji’s past in the Rukongai; children with power tend to starve. Rangiku likely was starving for a while but simply didn’t understand why (that she had power) because Gin’s offering of food (that it’d help her) seemed to surprise / confuse her.

          This also implies that Gin, in some way before meeting her, already knew he had power within him, and how to also handle that power.

          It’s said that Rangiku, even after meeting Gin, had severe PTSD-esque episodes of absolute sobbing concerning those men, what was taken from her, and it bothered Gin to his core—-enough to motivate him to, on sight, condemn the men he recognized gathered around Aizen in the middle of the night—-and to also ultimately condemn Aizen himself. This wrathful anger towards those who wronged his newly acquired friend was born from mere months, not even, of knowing the girl—-Gin, by nature, seemed to harbor strong loyalty, dedication, and brutal protectiveness. This implies that Gin, again, knew no one else before Rangiku. She is his first complete connection with another–and she’s his age, which is important to note too because over the span of his life Gin seems to be surrounded by people far older than him.

          Growing up in the Rukongai isn’t easy. We have multiple character backstories stemming from the hardships presented in those often run-down villages. Any time we’ve seen child!Gin, he’s alone in a vast wasteland, or alone in the forest, or alone, and then there’s Rangiku. Alone, and then there’s Aizen. Gin didn’t need to know about Aizen, be ‘tainted’ by Aizen, to construct his own murderous plot for him, for the men involved with hurting Rangiku—-no, Gin had already carried out multiple killings before he introduced himself to Aizen that night. There can be a case for it being due to Gin raising himself, raising himself and taking care of Rangiku—-there’s no denying that children taking care of themselves is taxing enough on their cognitive development, as well as all things psychological. Gin has a twisted concept of ‘play’ and it shows.

          Gin’s first parental / adult authority figure in his life is also simultaneously someone he harbors the deepest pits of wrathful hate for, so even then there’s a stripped-bare concept of parenting present, if at all, between them. I cannot begin to stress the effects such a dynamic can have on a child’s mind—-Gin will never be put into a position where he’ll feel it’s safe to ask an adult for help purely because of his absolute distrust, dislike, of Aizen as his primary adult figure in his life. Why show him any vulnerability, why give him an unwanted advantage? It’s around that time where Gin completely shuts himself off and hunkers down for his overall goal of plucking back Rangiku’s soul piece and shoving a blade through Aizen’s heart.

          Dark stuff for a kid to think about.

          In the Academy for Shinigami, Gin was surrounded by adult students, or at least older teen-equivalents, and graduated within one single year–breaking all records–to immediately place himself as a Third Seat in the Fifth Division. On the educational front; sure, Gin’s a genius, he didn’t need to complete those other years. He blew through with flying colors. But socialization got completely bypassed. All Gin needed to do was study, practice, train, for all of what… 8-9 months? Easy enough to seclude himself to all but Rangiku, that’s how he grew up to begin with. So not only has Gin avoided socializing with others during the Rukongai days, he’s also set himself up to not make a single Academy friend. He’s instantly scooped up by Aizen, and it’s right to closing up shop for never making another meaningful connection.

          It’s said in one of the character books (I can’t remember what exactly) that Gin enjoys people-watching, he prefers the sidelines to observe others. This can be a nod to the fact that the lil fast-learning kid had to watch others to recognize what was appropriate. From properly dressing himself to how to clean his blade after a messy kill—-Gin learned almost everything surrounding behavior via observation, and his own conclusions brought on from those observations. So whilst mother nature indeed did some raising of Gin in the harshness of the Rukongai, Gin for the most part raised himself. He taught himself, he cared for himself, and he did so while also taking on Rangiku, making sure she had nice clothes, good food, a roof over her head, and protection via vowing to become a Shinigami—-for her, “so that you don’t haveta cry anymore.”

          People who miss out on socialization during their younger years will struggle to make connections in their adult lives. Gin cannot fathom caring beyond a furrowed brow for the woes of strangers. The only times he will care for completely new faces is if they carry a trait that reminds him of someone he does care about. Things need to be easily translatable for him, easily relatable, for Gin to consider caring. It never served him as a child to care about the merchant who threw rocks at him for grabbing a piece of bread, it never served him to wonder about the other Shinigami’s feelings as he beat them to death for hurting Rangiku. It never occurred to him to think about the previous Third Seat’s family as he cut him down.

          It’s not that he kills with no remorse, however. It’s that he kills with no remorse for the victim he has killed. Gin canonly is aware of and mourns the wrongness he’s committed in relation to Rangiku. So he doesn’t think of them, the victim, and if there had been a time where he did it was swiftly snuffed out by Aizen. Aizen, ultimately, filled any and all holes that Gin’s parenting of himself left behind. To me, Aizen indeed raised Gin into the man he became, but the foundation on which Aizen built his perfect traitor was already geared towards terrible things. If anything, Aizen simply enabled Gin to go further, fall harder, delve deeper—-he gave him the resources, the knowledge (even through mere observation) on how to become the monster his snake speech boasts of. Aizen wanted Gin to become a certain chess piece capable of immense cruelty, power, and Gin too wanted that same outcome. It was easy enough, at that point, to fit such a mold.

          Gin seemed to gravitate his worst teasings towards Rukia, who at the time held within her the Hogyoku, an incomplete structure of everything Aizen desired to feed to his own. Therefore, the animosity between them was mutual. Rukia’s strong dislike is also, in flashbacks, countered by the fact that Byakuya never was bothered by Gin in their short little chats. Rukia didn’t like Gin because of his reiatsu, his presence. Gin didn’t like Rukia for the fact that Urahara / Aizen were both using her as a Hogyoku storage unit. To him, she was blissfully unaware of how helpful she was being to them both. Him teasing her on the bridge can, to some extent, be attributed to the fact that Gin knew she was about to fall into Aizen’s hands. The thought of saying “I could stop all of this, save all of you, right now” was too heavy to keep to himself. A cruel offering that needed to be immediately removed from the board.

          Gin’s testing (and in some perspectives bullying) of Ichigo in their second fight within fake Karakura Town was hardly out of pure cruelty. Gin needed to know Ichigo’s resolve to stop Aizen, he needed to know that the kid was ready—-and at the realization that he wasn’t? He needed to kick his ass into gear so that he at the very least tried his damn best to stop Aizen from winning. Gin knew that if he failed and Aizen continued on with his plot, Ichigo would be the only one standing in his way. Never shooting or slicing at a vital, Gin hardly even wounded Ichigo beyond shattering his Hollow mask and saying some viciously blunt words. A messed up version of a pep-talk, but it readied the kid enough to realize he needed to reevaluate himself. Perhaps it assisted in simmering his recklessness, his near-arrogance in believing he could simply chop away at Aizen until he was down for the count. Gin passed on the same cruel reality that he himself would go through within the next two hours following their altercation; pure futility—-that sometimes… you just can’t win.