#i cant wait to be skinny
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women are squeaky toys in many ways such as you can bite them and they make a noise
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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kind of crazy how everything just Happens to me. like i dont really have any major specific regrets beyond just 'i wish i lived more' but even that in hindsight was kind of contingent on factors beyond my own abilities, but idk its somehow worse this way. i think i would feel less angry and adrift if id done things that landed me where i am, or i dunno just had any say in it instead of just being fuckin tossed around year after year
#boo idk its just frustrating to constantly be like. oh. well i guess this is happening now. ok.#and just having to wait until the next thing#i mean i know from another angle this is very like. woe is me guy who doesnt ever take agency#but can we be honest its not that simple in the real world lol#anyway whatever the point is i was just thinking about the past few years and i really dont regret my major choices where i had them#unrelated but AUGH i fucking hate how im like. in such a good place w my body image#(after decades of the classic dysmorphia hatred etc etc) but theres just TWO things i cant get on board with#idk its just so frustratinggggggggggggg. i guess ill just blow up#i have this totally irrational thought pattern of like. well im not even striving for conventional attractive bs right#im not skinny or modelesque or white and i dont want to be any of those things i like how i am#so i should get to change these two aspects i dislike as freebies. like i can convert being beyond status quo into bodymod points or smth ?#girl what are you talking about 😭
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Any other queer disabled ppl feel like it takes multiple spreadsheets to just like. exist/participate in life?
#I say things#actuallyadhd#actuallyautistic#like I’ll be wondering why I feel like shit and it’s bc I need human interaction#cant make friends with classmates bc of x can’t join a group cause of y#don’t have money for that thing the other idea doesn’t work in my city#this thing isnot inclusive for trans people this other one is but not for disibilities#oh this one is inclusive for both! wait no but mainly skinny ppl#this one could work but I’m broke#that one is a bad idea to start without a support system#this one COULD accommodate me but only for SOME things#those require recent diagnosis#the other ones are sketchy#that one could work but I’d need xyz#those ones are for freshmen college kids
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Ok but here's also some shit I remember about Yakuza 4 that absolutely tickles me
Akiyama is a stupid slut who thinks a single row of books is enough to hide his big money vault; that he has more chemistry with Arai and Tanimura than Yasuko (the girl he's pining over because he looks like his old crush that he somehow hasn't gotten over yet); and that Mack called him a "washed up p0rnstar". He is hilarious when he's not being creepy to Yasuko.
One of Akiyama's revelations involves a panty thief falling off a building in slow motion to overly dramatical classical music as underwear flies everywhere (or something like that)
Nair was the best character in the game and deserved her own spinoff
Hana deserved better than [gestures to the entire game] this
Some random, non-Majima related Saejima things: his mentor makes him punch rocks in some underground tunnels to get stronger; he pulls out a big chunk of wood and starts carving whenever he has a revelation; the developers thought Kido - a Wocky Kitoky ass looking kid - would make a good final boss for him; the scene where he finally reunites with his old oyabun is absolutely devastating
considerin you remember more akiyama stuff the most i think if we wrangled that other anon who remembered stuff about saejima and we get two more people who remembered more abuot kiryu and tanimura we can make a vague composite of Y4's plot
#snap chats#youre so right about akiyama and Everyone But Yasuko tho its so funny#RGG not being able to write women leads to things like this where straight people just cant exist#arai and akiyama are literally yaoi divorced idc about akiyamas ex#SPEAKING OF THO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT ? LIT WHAT WAS THE POINT#IS IT SO HE'D HELP HER CAUSE I THOUGHT HE JUST DOES THAT ANYWAY#see this is why we ignore Y4 akiyama a fuckin weirdo in it but in Y5 he's the best uncle you could ask for#at least until Y6 then where the FUCK was he when haruka was alone#wait help i just remembered the akiyama fight fro Y6 and i love how if the fight goes on long enough#akiyama's just :(( Kiryu Please I Dont Want To Fight You :(((#i forgot to make an appreciation post for that whole fight my god what is wrong with me#im so off topic anyway yeah youre right i remember the underground boulder fist fighting too <3#HANA DID DESERVE BETTER THOUGH SHE'S LITERALLY TOO GOOD FOR THIS SERIES#why the fuck they make her skinny in ishin boys we riot
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Okay….okay (not okay)
#I cant#I CANNOT#SIMPLY PUT#His slightly hairy chest and cute nose and handsome smile#I will repeat myself idc#The blond head he’s grabbing I CANT#No one can tell me this isn’t cobras skinny dipping and Johnny getting too excited by the sight of dick he has to suck it under the water#can’t even wait#tony o'dell#nsft
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deep in my mental illness lately so making a diet plan and. i put down to fast every day. this is not a weight loss plan this is a "how to go to the er" plan.
#literally was like yay this is so good#then actually looked back over it like wait.......#every day cant be a fasting day. it doesnt work like that. thats how death happens.#in my defense i havent eaten anything since tuesday so. my brain is goo lmao. brain goop.#text#like bright side its working so far lost 2lbs for real not just water weight like 2lbs of fat#but like my brain is goop rn soooo that makes it Not Great#but its like skinny goop so idk gray area
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made the forward thinking + brave decision to gain weight BEFORE xmas break rather than during. always be 2 steps ahead
#weight m -#ughuguhhhghhhhh#i think i mealprepped.. too vigorously#cant wait to get roasted by my grandma again like shes some kind of skinny legend#i should roast back like Well at least im not pre-diabetic and have chronic foot fungus
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anyway things i still must do
1. brush teeth
2. eat probably.
3. switch clothes to dryer
4. the showers
#i can brush my teeth rn i shouldve b4. but im prooobably gonna wait until i switch the shits to the dryer#bc then i can umm. switch stuff brush teeth Chill and relax and be beautiful for 30 minutes then eat breakfast then my stuff modt.probably#will be ready 2 be out of the dryer andd then i will SHOWERS! yay#i probably should take off my clean clothes i had to wear them to put stuff in the dryer.#i havent worn such little clothing in AGES lol. its not anything crazy its judt shorts and a croptop#but normally i wear pants that Cover my feet and oversized shirts. bc of the dysphoria nd such#i will say my dad saying 'lol i didnt know you had legs XD' does not make me want to wear shorts ever again. out of spite. but whatever#I JUDT GET COLD and also i hate hate hate hate hate ppl seeing my body esp in motion. not even related to the Body issues and stuff#even when i was skinny it made my fucking skin crawl to know that ppl could see me. when i was just like. cooking in the kitchen#idk. idk how much ive talked abt it b4 but it stresses me out supremely that ppl can see my body move when im not consciously moving my body#in a certain way to be looked at#its not even a seduction thing or anything i dont thjnk i movemy body any differently when im Prepared to be watched vs not#aside from like. if im not i shake horrifically. like i always shake i have shaky hands favt of life but if im being watched its like.#borderline i cant do anything bc i shaje so much and have trouble breathing#its worse after wa tho. i genuinely had to run to my room in tears bc i started hvaing a panic attack several several times. LOL#but wtvr. its probably some deepseated issue its rly not 4 me to think abt.
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got out of work early tonight, gives me more time to be mentally ill and battle the demons <3
#tw venting about weight and disordered eating etc etc etc#my friend keeps talking about getting the damn weight loss shot and how she cant wait to be skinny#and literally all its doing is making me want to fall back into my unhealthy starve/binge cycle again#late 2019/early 2020 i was doing bad and actually hit my lowest weight in a long time#and its really upsetting that i just. want to do that again.#cry while pacing in circles. look up the calories of a fucking grape.#i follow fat positive folks and regularly share body positivity shit but fuck man#its so hard to not despise myself
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hmm.
#ack. i wanna but a scale so bad but idk how much money i have rn#well at least since im restricting again ill have more money since i dont spend it all on food#wish i could get a job but id have to walk to it and i cant in the weather so im gonna wait till spring or summer#might wait till i turn 18 bc ill have way more options so i might aswell. its only like 2 months off from when i could even get one at all#hmmm. ill have to ask my mom to tell me how much is on my card bc i cant check it myself. im kinda regretting letting my sister not pay me#back immediately for $30 bc then i could buy a scale rn but she doesnt have much rn so whatever#going another month without a scale wont kill me. for the majority of the time before i recoved it didnt have a scale so whatever#but i remember feeling so awful not even knowing if the pain i put myself through did anything so idk if its worth that#i fall ever enough as is with my pots so idk if i wanna add starvation to tye mix when i cant even see the numbers drop#well. ill find out how much i have today and if i have a fair bit then ill buy one soon but if not then ill just cry ig#idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself#its not about getting skinny its just about seeing the number go down and hurting myself and i know it doesnt actually feel good but like#idk. my life has felt chaotic and out of control recently and i need something to hold on to even if it kills me#i dont even wanna die anymore either. i used to but now i dont. i have life plans that i wanna pursue. im not stuck in a moldy house with#people who abuse me. i live with my only friend in a place where i can actually go places. not many places but theres at least something#idk. i think itd be easier to be ok if i had other friends but i just have my sister. i dont even know how or where you meet people#everything i read either says scool for minors or bars for adults which is useless to me. the only others things are things not around me#idk. i guess ill have to get a car eventually and when i do that then i can go places. i feel so bleh lately#i just. i wanna be sickly and skinny. not bc i think im ugly but bc i wanna be sick. i dont dislike my appearance. im relatively thin#not that it matters bc theres nothing wrong with being fat but like. idk. i used to hate my appearance so much but i dont now#so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway#idk
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Bombshell reader is my queen. What would happen if she like got hold hostage or something? She’s usually so confident, I’m sure going thru that would rough her up. Would Spencer take up the more ‘active’ role and take care of her
tysm for requesting ♡ fem, 1k
Spencer doesn't know if you're aiming for him when you come out but he grabs you as soon as he can get his hands on you. You were running hard enough to wind him, breathless yourself as you gasp into his shoulder. He can't feel you right wearing the FBI vest, desperate to take it off.
You won't let him go.
It must've been bad inside to panic you like this. "Are you okay?" he asks, forcing you away to check you over. "Do you need medical?" He's mildly hysterical.
"No," you say, eyes closed, shaking your head until he lets you back into his arms. "I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine–"
"Spencer, I'm fine."
Spencer can't remember the last time you called him Spencer. He's used to Spence, babe, baby, handsome. He's even used to your hand on his elbow to say hello without speaking. So no matter what you say, he knows you're not fine.
Spencer leads you over to the back of an ambulance, where you glare at him. You've definitely never done that before.
"I don't need medical–"
"You have to get checked out." He's definitely never spoken to you like that. Terse, his hands on your arms to stop you from getting up. "Non-negotiable."
Your eyes shine with betrayal while the EMTs check your vitals. You have a bruise like whiplash against your neck that's tender to the touch, wincing as they prod it with their white gloved fingers. You're acting peculiarly but not outside of the realm of reasonable.
A car backfires somewhere in the street and you flinch. "Spence," you say, looking up at him through your lashes, "can we go?"
He waits for a nod. "Yeah, we can go."
The issue is that you can't stand. You push up, you blink, and you sit down hard again, making a small pained sound from the back of your throat that Spencer cant abide by. "What's wrong with her?" he asks.
"Adrenaline." The EMT squeezes your shoulder affectionately. "You're alright, hun. You can sit here until you feel ready."
She and her partner take a break in the front of the ambulance and tell you to shout if you need help. Spencer hesitates for a few seconds, looking down at you with a quick assessment of behaviour. He finds the things that are wrong with you —shaking hands, painful contusion against your throat, obvious emotional distress, weak legs— and he runs through options on how he's going to help you.
Spencer takes your hands into his, just a little smaller, less skinny, and way softer. He doesn't know whether he can truly smell your hand cream or if he knows the scent from the hundreds of times watching your routine. You take it from the pocket in your purse, squeeze the smallest bit from the tub, and rub it in slow circles around your palms. It calms you in your rare wounded moments, and Spencer imitates that now. He draws gentle circles into your skin, the tremble ever so slightly quelled.
"Is it bad?" he asks you, transferring both of your hands into one. Freed, he trails the knuckles of his left hand parallel to your wicked bruise.
"It hurts." Your eyes are glassy, your lips in a downturn that turns his heart. "Hurt my ego."
"He got a cheap shot," Spencer says sympathetically, dipping forward to kiss your jaw just above the bruise. You go still. He worries it was the wrong thing to do, but you crane your head forward into his chest.
Your tired sigh is like a rake.
"It's okay. It's okay." He takes your hand again. "We'll ice it at the hotel. With arnica, it'll be gone in a week."
"I was really scared," you murmur.
Sitting as you are in the back of the ambulance, he doesn't have to bend much to press your joined hands to his chest. Eyes shut, that close to one another, Spencer swears he can hear your rapid heart.
"But you made it out. You're always going to make it out, because we have a great team and you're good at what you do. You're strong. Smart. And you're brave, because you got scared and you kept going anyway. You saved someone just now."
You push him away without malice, your perfect eyebrows pinched up at the starts. "I thought maybe this time I wouldn't make it out. Not like me, huh?"
Spencer sits next to you in the ambulance, sliding his fingers into yours with more confidence than he feels. "That's easily explainable. Do you know what working memory is?"
Your stress melds fond. "No."
"Working memory is one of the brain's systems necessary for thought and function. It's important for everything. And when you're under immense pressure, the strength of your working memory depletes– being in a high stakes situation like that, it's natural to choke. It doesn't mean you underperformed. It doesn't mean you let anyone down."
"I never said I let someone down."
"I worried you were thinking about it."
"I was." Your glassy eyes have clarified. Spencer lets out a breath of relief as you raise your hand to his cheek, stroking it briefly with the back of your fingers. "I'm glad you think that, but I doubt Hotch will say the same thing."
"Hotch will tell you well done and make you take mandatory leave for a week. We should regroup with the others." Spencer nudges you in the arm. "I'll write your paperwork if you tell me what to say."
You drop your face into his shoulder. "I'm recovering from a traumatic event. Can't you do the muscle work?"
"Y/N!" Hotch calls, a phone glued to his ear. "Well done. Nothing else tonight." You smile. "You can do the paperwork when you get back next week."
"Ugh."
"Told you. Well done, mandatory leave," Spencer says.
"Excessive," you mutter into his arm. It takes you a few seconds to warm up, and when you do it's like groundhog day, sunshine filtering through the chill, "Thanks, handsome. For everything."
#spencer reid#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid oneshot#spencer reid scenario#spencer reid drabble#spencer reid fic#spencer reid fanfiction#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds#criminal minds fic#criminal minds x reader
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hi! 🙈
do you also find it really attractive when guys say I know, baby I know. or something along those lines (///w///)
if your taking them could i request jik or hq characters doing this in some scenario/drabble. please feel no rush/pressure.
take care of your self too:)
“i know baby, i know.”
ft. jjk + hq boys fluff, slight nsfw, humor.
tags. nsfw for gojo oikawa and kuroo, rest are cute scenarios + some hcs i made on some.
chars. gojo/oikawa+ kuroo, geto/osamu, toji/atsumu, inumaki/kenma, yuji/hinata, megumi/kageyama, choso/suna, todo/bokuto, nanami/akaashi
a/n. tysm nonnie!! i didnt know if u wanted them separate or just in a group category..couldnt resist not giving gojo oikawa and kuroo smut. i hope this was what u wanted:((
gojo, oikawa, kuroo
you were sprawled out on his bed in his apartment. you were gripping the soft cushion sheets in pleasure, gritting your teeth, occasionally biting your lower lip to halt your moans. his long skinny fingers scissored their way through your gummy walls as if they owned the place. the tips of his calloused fingers hitting your g-spot everytime he thrusted in. you hated how vulnerable you became, how you melted like putty just from his fingers- but it just felt soo good. he knew your insides like no one else, knew all your sweet spots and how to make you cum. he was big- big being in understatement. he was huge, in your eyes atleast. prep was needed, always. even though you hated how long it took to get you ready.
“hngh.. i want you now- please!~” you said, putting a hand on his shoulder, as he looked up to you with a frown. “want you insideee..ngh! can’t wait...~”
“i know baby, i know. you’ll get it soon, ‘kay? i just dont wan’ it to hurt, my love.” he said softly, adding a third finger in. “just a little bit more, okay princess?”
geto, osamu
it was 3am, and you could not sleep. you tried scrolling through twitter and instagram for some time, but couldn’t. thats when you opened up tiktok, fully forgetting that, tiktok.. was a music app. and your volume…was halfway up. so when you opened it, it blasted for a second before you quickly swiped off the app, why were you so scared? well..
“y/n, what the fuck.. why are you up, go to sleep girl.”
your boyfriend was sleeping, and you hated waking him up.
“but i can’t sleep sugu/‘samu!! im not tireddd.” you whined, pouting. as if he could see you.
“dont care, go to bed or im snatching your phone away. l/n.” he growled and sat up rubbing his eyes.
“noo im sorry. please i cant sleep, babe!!”
“i know baby, i know. what if we cuddle and i tell you about my plans for tomorrow, hm? maybe it’ll help.”
toji, atsumu
“i want a dog.” you said glaring at him, who was sat on your couch.
“i know baby, i know. but yk we cant.. im fuckin allergic ‘member??” he shot you a mocking facial expression.
“but its okay, you can just take some Benadryl and you’ll be fineee! its not a big deal toji / ‘tsumu.” you pouted.
you walked over to him and sat on his lap facing him.
“if yur tryna seduce me into agreeing, its not g’na work babe.” he put his hands on your waist.
“ughhh!! can we atleast get like a cat or something?? please babyyy.”
“let’s leave this conversation for a different day, y/n.” he replied before pulling you into a hot kiss...that led to making out.. that led to your own personal problem for tonight.
inumaki, kenma (I PUT BOKUTO AND YUJI BC I WAS ORIGINALLY GONNA HAVE AKAASHI AND MEGUMI IN THIS TOO BUT I CHANGED MY MIND.. SO PRETEND IT SAYS PANDA FOR INUMAKI..)
yuji, hinata
it was getting late… too late. your boyfriend had a day off and decided to spend it by sleeping, completely forgetting the fact that you two agreed on walking around the park today.. he was just soo lazy :(
“sweetheart….get upppp. its 12pm, you needa wake up.” you whined as your boyfriend tightened his grip around your body. he was big spooning you, a position where not even an earthquake could move him out of.
“mmm, i know baby, i know. just…five more- five minutes.” he groaned into your ear, you could feel the warm breath against your earlobe, it sending tingles down your neck to your spine.
“if you get up, ill take a shower with you, and make you waffles.”
you had never seen him get up from bed that fast before.
megumi, kageyama
you and your boyfriend were having you weekly movie night, you were under his right arm while you layed your head on his lap, using the blanket to cover your view of the flat screen.
“babe….i dont wanna watch this..its scary.” you pout as you attempt to sink deeper into your boyfriends arms.
“i know baby, i know.. but i love this movie, so can we please keep it on?” he scratched the back of his neck.
“ughhh, couldn’t we just watch inside out 2 or something babeee??” you whined.
“that’s a kids movie, im fine where im at.” he flicked you on the forehead.
“stoppp!! owww.” you cried out.
choso, suna
you two were watching moana in his room, the room was dark and you were both on his bed, cuddling. everything was fine until there was a loud noise which you thought came from the kitchen. you thought nothing of it but your boyfriend…
“did you hear that? what the fuck.” he sat up.
“babe…you better not.” you warned him with a glare.
“it was a fucking ghost, y/n. i fucking told you theyre real. theres no way im letting somethi-”
you cut him off, “girl, ghosts are not damn real. if you dont lay your ass right back down i swear to god.”
“i know baby, i know.. but you gotta really think about it, what else could it be?” he bit down on his thumbnail.
“shut up, cho/rin.”
todo, bokuto
you were sitting on the dinner table- across from your boyfriend, who had told you he had something really important to talk to you about. some minutes passed and he was just sitting there, hands interlocked together, his leg beating up and down.
“babe…is everything all right? its been like 3 minutes are ya gonna say something?..” you softly spoke.
“there’s something..i gotta own up to.” he spoke, not moving a muscle.
“oh fuck no, if you cheated on me i swear to god-”
“are you crazy?,” he finally moved from his position and gave you a puzzled look, “of course not, its just..”
he took a long deep breath..
“when i was 5 years old, i went with my mom to the store. she was browsing and i wondered off and.. i saw this lollipop, that i really, like really wanted. and i picked it up and asked her if i could get it, of course my mother being my mother she said no. so i got angry.. and stuffed it in my little pocket. and she checked out and i got away with it. and i just keep thinking about it, and the more serious we get with our relationship i just cant bare the everlasting weight and guilt of this act i decided to act upon. so im telling you now.. if you wanna make your choice on whether you still wanna date a criminal like me.”
you got up from you seat, and sighed.
“i hope its April 1st today.”
nanami, akaashi
#jjk#gojo smut#jujutsu kaisen#jujustsu kaisen x reader#jujustu kaisen fluff#fluff#haikyuu#haikyu x reader#haikyuu fluff#hq#hq x reader#jjk x you#jjk x reader#jjk x y/n#oikawa smut#kuroo smut#jjk smut#haikyu smut#jjk gojo#oikawa x reader#choso kamo#akaashi x reader#kenma x reader#nanami x reader#suna rintarou#megumi x reader#toji x you#atsumu x reader#osamu x reader#mikgreo writes
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Reunion - Aftermath
Masterlist
Pairing: Dick Grayson x (f)reader
Tags: slight NSFW, angst, toxic, you cant fix him, smut, grad school, halloween, Dick is the reader's friend's ex's best friend, reunion, oral, penetration, praise, heartbreak, heartbroken reader,
It took some time to get over your initial jealousy after seeing Dick with the girl at the bar. You excused yourself and left your things with your friends, then headed to the bathroom. You held it together surprisingly well, that is until you saw yourself in the mirror and let out a quiet sob.
Damn you. You fell for it again. Visions of that night replayed in your mind. His kind words, the gentleness of his hands on your body, of his lips on your neck, the way his eyes geld yours - it all meant nothing!
You wished you were a like that. Wished you could indulge in intimate activities without being emotionally attached or vulnerable. That you could just have fun and feel nothing the next day.
"Asshole," you cursed under your breath.
Your mascara was smudged at the sides, giving you away despite your attempts to calm your emotions. You ripped a couple of pieces of paper and tried your best to wipe off the tear smudged eyeliner and bring yourself back to normal.
A knock at the door interrupted your thoughts.
You sniffled, calling out, "Just a minute!" And collected your things.
Opening the door, you questioned if the universe was testing you today because you came face to face with the same girl you had just been mentally cursing. She was pretty, dressed in a simple sweater and skinny jeans, tucked into high leather boots. The outfit slapped. It actually mirrored yours, and you almost laughed at the thought that Dick had a type. Speaking of, he was right behind her, his face nuzzled between her ear and her shoulder as the couple giggled to each other.
His gaze registered you, and then a look of surprise took over his face. His smile dropped, and he straightened up, clearing his throat.
You blinked, partly in surprise, partly to clear a fresh wave of tears threatening to spill. Swallowing uncomfortably, you moved out of their way, pressing yourself against the wall in the narrow hallway and trying to escape.
"Honey," the girl took you gently by the wrist. You squeezed your eyes shut at hearing her kind voice. "Are you okay-"
"I'm fine, thanks." You rushed without meeting her gaze. Then you made a mistake. As you walked past Dick, your shoulder nudged his - more aggressively than it needed to, for a random stranger passing by.
You knew your evening was positively ruined. To avoid ruining the mood of your fellow interns, you offered them a made-up excuse about a headache and took your bag on your way out.
"Y/n," the last voice you wanted to hear right now called our behind you.
You didn't turn around, instead holding your eyes closed and sniffling quietly under your breath. "Why, god?"
"Y/n," Dick prompted behind you. "What happened?"
"Oh, shut up." You said, stopping yourself too late.
He paused in front of you, leaning back as if ti assess you. "You're mad at me..." He observed.
Too tired to argue, you took out your phone and checked the bus schedule.
"Why are you mad at me?" He asked.
What a stupid question. You glared up at him from your phone. "Dont you have a face to suck on in there?"
A knowing smile spread across his face, and he shook his head. "I see."
"Good for you." You snapped, murmuring to yourself, "Go after her." You said, feeling your cheeks heat in embarrassment and began walking towards the bus stop, grasping at your coat as you shivered.
"She can wait." He took you by your hand and turned you to face him, nearly dislocating your shoulder in the process. You tore your arm away, only to be backed up against the wall of the bar, caged in by his frame.
You lifted you chin, challenging him with your red eyed gaze. You sneered, "Aren't you worried she'll see us?"
"Not really." Dick gazed back at you with equal challenge. This close you could smell the mix of his skin with his cologne, a painful reminder of how close you let him get to you. "At least she knows the meaning of 'no-strings-attatched'."
"Oh yeah?" You shot back at him "Well at least -" Your shoulders rose and fell as you searched for a retort, only to come up empty-handed. "At least..."
Giving up, you felt your shoulders sag along with your gaze as you let out another sob you'd been holding back. You sniffled, too ashamed to meet his gaze.
Something in him shifted. The vision of you crying? He never saw that, nor had he wanted to see that again.
He let go of you, feeling his own shame rise in his throat. His voice lowered to an apologetic tone. "I'm sorry. That was... uncool. Had i known you would see us... I would never have done anything in front of you."
Shaking your head, you admitted between sniffles, "I wish I was like you."
His brow furrowed. "Why?"
"I wish I could..." He swallowed. "Not get attached."
"I don't... not get attached -" he attempted half heartedly.
"Please," you rolled your eyes, taking out a napkin to wipe them. "I'm still covering up hickeys you left two days ago -" You pulled down your turtleneck to demonstrate "-and you're already shmoozing with someone new."
"I..." He swallowed thickly, studying to purple marks on your neck. Ones he left there. They had even begun to fade. It was like he branded you. But now that brand was disappearing. That image summoned a possessive flash to course through him.
You noticed his expression shift. Nostrils flared as his breathing begame heavy, and his gaze was scorching, you could almost feel where his eyes looked on your neck.
Quickly, you covered back up, putting some distance between the two of you. You didn't know what that look meant, but you knew you were just going to end up sad again. "I have to go,"
"Wait," he said, you stood, waiting for him to speak. "This isn't right."
"What?"
He ran his hand through his hair, the action causing his leather jacket to lift, revealing the gun and handcuffs on the belt of his jeans. Your eyes narrowed. Was he out on the field today? Was that how he ended up in the bar?
"Damn it, y/n," he let out in a quiet frustration. "I dont like this, you being mad at me. Our night was good. It was fun. I didn't ever wanna see you hurt. Please believe me."
"I believe you." You said, grasping at the strap of your back.
He met your gaze, searching.
"I believe you." Air left your mouth in a cloud as you repeated yourself. And you did. Truly. You didn't think his actions were in any way deliberate to hurt you. That was just... the way he was. "I'll see you around."
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Yeah... he fucked up.
Not in his decision to have sex with you. That was great.
No, what he fucked up in was not picking up on the clues that you were not the kind of girl who had casual sex. The women he usually slept with were all looking for the same as him. No attachment, no feelings, just a good few rounds.
And you had him convinced. How early you got up and got dressed the next day, ready to leave quickly. You didn't even wake him up. So he'd assumed you two were on the same page.
He assumed wrong.
No, he had you all wrong. Back in sophomore year, you'd always carried yourself with nonchalance. You underreacred where others overreacted. You prefered to listen rather than speak. You always appeared so... conservative of your energy. That's what made seeing you cry for the first time, which is much more shocking. Dick felt like he'd ended years of inner peace.
What was worse is that that night when he brought home the girl from the bar, he'd closed his eyes, imagining he was with you he was in bed with.
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"Hey, I'm not like a... bad person, right?" He asked out loud, eyes wandering off behind his mask as he finished dragging a perps unconscious body to the corner of the hangar.
"Who cares?" His youngest brother, Damian, spoke into his comm unhelpfully. The kid had just started the eighth grade, and his voice began to drop. Sometimes, when he spoke over comms, Dick found himself asking who that was.
"What?" Jason asked behind his own mask a meter from him, kicking the limp body of another henchman.
"Where's this coming from?" Tim asked over the comm. He was currently on lookout on the warehouse roof. "Also, you got two perps coming into the warehouse - no, hold on, one."
"Copy that." Dick nodded. "And for the record, I care, you heard me, and -" Dick put up a gloved finger as he listed his answers, then shrugged. "Just curious."
"Nightwing," Jason sighed in annoyance. "There is nothing you could do that would make you a bad-"
Another henchmen ran in, just to be knocked out with a single punch from Nightwing.
"-person." Jason finished.
But Dick wasn't so sure.
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The morning rain poured against the gym’s windows as Dick landed another punch against the bag, harder than necessary. He gritted his teeth, trying to focus, on his stance, his core, anything except the remnants of that night that kept slipping into his mind.
The memories were relentless. Flashes of you beneath him, the feel of your skin on his hands, the way your breath hitched when he kissed a path along your collarbone - they crept in despite his efforts to shove them away. The warmth, the breathiness of your voice, the way you looked at him like he was more everything to you. He shook his head, forcing himself to snap out of it.
He threw another punch, this time more controlled, as if he could hit the memory right out of himself. But even now, he couldn’t ignore the way his stomach twisted, that irritating rush of excitement mixed with something he didn’t want to name. You’d thrown off his rhythm. All it took was a couple of tears. And he hated it.
Hell, he was Dick Grayson. He was supposed to have his heart compartmentalized by now - no strings, no lingering thoughts. Just one night and done. So why did the thought of you keep pulling at him, driving him back to those damn memories? It wasn’t like him to get distracted. Yet here he was, haunted by the way your lips had felt against his skin, the softness of your touch. Fuck.
A curse slipped from his mouth as he gave the bag one final hit, feeling the pain in his knuckles. He’d have to get over it, right? But no matter how many times he told himself he’d forget you, he knew the way you’d laughed, the way you’d looked at him like he was worth something real, had left its stupid mark.
Yeah, he fucked up.
#batboys#batman#batfam#nightwing imagine#nightwing x you#nightwing x reader#nightwing#dick grayson imagine#dick grayson smut#dick grayson x reader#dick grayson
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i hope this alright to ask and i’m trying to phrase it as politely as possible: i’ve seen you reblog/commission art that portrays you in a few really different ways. (and draw yourself in a few different ways.) do you like being drawn as a skinny anime girl/do you prefer being drawn that way? generally i see people say skinny-fying anybody in fanart of them is rude. i’m curious about your thoughts on it, bc you’ve very well spoken and i’m sure you’ve thought about it before
whenever i come across as overly skinny in a commission, it's usually not because i told them to make me skinny, but because i didnt go out of my way to ask them to draw me large.
while it's not something im ashamed of, it is something i often feel trapped in. to be clear, i dont mean how fat i am, i mean how Large i am. im 6'1" with a big head and a broad chest, and those are things that will remain true about me until i die-- not only because dramatic cosmetic skeletal surgeries like that dont exist, but also because even if they did i'd have to cut out parts of myself to fit into a smaller vessel, and that feels wrong.
there's a sort of existential dysphoria i have about my body. i dont think it's an ugly or bad body-- in fact i think ive gotten pretty hot in the past 2 years. i just dont like that it's my only choice forever. imagine if you were in a perfectly comfortable position on the couch, but then someone came along and forced you to hold that position for 82 years, and then encased your body in concrete to be sure you cant move. that's kinda how it feels.
most of the skinniest versions of me (most of the anime ones, like the typing one i posted last night and the one i use for the visual novel posts) specifically come from Skeb, where you can only contact the artist a single time and then you have to wait for your commission without contact. in that limited frame, i like to put across the parts of myself that i actively enjoy, rather than the parts of myself that i am typically obligated to present.
do i feel bad about this omission of facts? yeah, i guess i kind of do. it makes me feel like im betraying my fellow beautiful big bitches out there. but i think that if i were to agonize over what a piece of art im commissioning of myself and for myself might mean to other people before i start to spend my money on it, i think i'd rather just never post them.
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people talk about getting skinny BEFORE school but is it just me whos planning on getting skinny DURING school?? like i cant wait to be able to skip breakfast and lunch w/o parents noticing (omad my beloved) AND when i work i wont have to eat until like 8/9pm!!!!!! 😋😋
not to mention when i start itll be cold so i can hide my stomach/thighs and itll be a fun little surprise reveal
#starv1ng#calories#ana twt#tw ana bløg#light as a feather#i need to lose so much weight#tw ana rant#3ating d1sorder#3dblrr#tw 3d shit#skinnnyy#tw skipping meals#sk1n4nd🦴
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