#i cant see smoke from here rn so im hoping it got better

[evadingreallife]

Tag urself im #found out there was a fire nearby cause i saw the emergency helicopter bringing water

[winderlylandchime]

I’ve been waiting for 2x04 bc it’s one of my faves so i should say this ep was watched after his check up where he told a nurse about it and the nurse told him he actually watched it when it aired. To which my brother went ‘well watch it again bc I have to talk to someone about it man, she *points to me* is about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.’ Anyway: ‘oh it’s pride weekend? Wait WEEKEND? Don’t you fuckers get a whole month? *points at me* dont start, that was meant lovingly’.. ‘so Godiva is like the Trixie of Libery Avenue? That reminds me i gotta watch her new youtube video..’ ‘maybe.. the reason your drink isn’t selling is that hair, sir that is outrageous!..why is he helping a homophobe. Although he’s just an employee so i get it, ill allow it one time Bri Bri’ ‘oh she has a motorcycle? I do too! Maybe this is how i start to like Mel..but mine is broken bc i fell..*he is currently sad over the motorcycle*’ at this point he was so angry at Mikeys coworkers that he paused the ep, went outside for a smoke, came back looked at the tv and went ‘not cool guys, that’s just tacky’ ‘who’s godiva again?! THE LIBERTY VERSION OF TRIXIE IS GONE?! OH NO POOR TRIX- i mean godiva’ ‘OKAAAY TED GET YOURSELF SOME DICK! Good for you! Maybe less talking bc it doesn’t seem to be your thing’… ‘is he making the drink gay? well that’s- WHY DID HE PUT ON THE GOOGLES TO SUCK HIS DICK? SIR YOU WILL CHOK- well i guess that the point’ he got very sad at the scene of Justin painting the sign. He forgot Justin was an artist and now he’s sad bc he can’t do it anymore..’ITS JEN! AT PFLAG! I knew i could count on you! She reminds me of our mom (cut to me saying our mom is a black woman) well..i didn’t specify HOW she reminds me-you know what? Leave me alone, I’m clearly going through something..oh god the shirt. I’m happy for her but Michael would not make me proud…unless he changes like 60 things about himself overnight’ btw he is feeling so proud of himself rn bc he swears that he is “chill” all while bouncing his leg so much my house is shaking. ‘IS THAT THAT BAT FUCKER?!! AT A GAY HOSPICE?! IS THIS SOME KIND OF A FUCKING JOKE?! HE DID NOT JUST WISH AIDS ON HIM AND DURING PRIDE?! oh kid i am your biggest fucking enemy right now, i hope you have an explosive diarrhea’ ‘okay so Mel used to be fun? What happened? Where did she go wrong?…A PITY FUCK?! TED DESERVES BETTER! WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP JOKE IS THIS! That guy wasnt even that pretty so don’t worry Ted’ he got mad again here but less mad then before so no smoke break! ‘Oh he sobered up fast when he realized it wasnt a dream. Bri bri we need to talk about how youre in love. I swear I won’t tell anyone! OH FINALLY I AGREE WITH MIKE, IT WAS A SICK JOKE! Oh..i just know if that fucker did anything, Brian would be fighting right now..now i want to see Brian throw a punch, do you think he knows how to?..OH NO JUSTY, WE ARE GOING TO PRIDE! You are supposed to be proud of..wait what is he supposed to be proud of? Dick sucking skills? *looks at me genuinely* id be proud of that if i was him’ ‘oh my god! The ugly hair homophobe! NOW WHY DID HE SAY THE F WORD?! HE ISNT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT WHAT THE HELL! AND DURING PRIDE?! FUCK YOU!’ And we are back outside for a smoke break.. not to make my brother a liar from the last ep but he is NOT calm. ‘Okay im cool again..as long as no hetero pisses me off anymore. I love that big flag! Do you think they filmed this during actual pride?..WE ARE NOT LETTING BAT FUCKER WIN! Okay seriously now, how bad is Brians mom because he keeps making people march with their moms.. is that bc she wouldn’t do it if she kne- oh god i am now sad for Brian wanting to march with his mom but cant. This is too much for me to handle on a random Friday!..oh brian knew about that fucker? You know what? Hes a little rude but he keeps wanting everyone to just be them. I fuck with that! I shall do that too! But after i get back to my normal life bc this *waves hands* is not it’ 1/2 of 2x04

ANON I AM SCREAMING.

Your brother being pissed about Brian working for a homophobe... wait until he gets to Stockwell arc.

Does your brother watch...drag race? Is he a Trixie Mattel fan? I am seriously dying over this. Comparing Godiva to Trixie... bless. I don't know how accurate I feel that comparison is but I would need to sit with it to think of a better comparison. I take my drag race comparisons seriously.

Mel used to be cool... what happened? Lindsay! LOL

And that bat fucker! I love it. He's so protective over Justin and Brian. He's so worried about what Joan did to Brian and your brother is in for a sad sad shock.

And his take on Brian and Ted - "He keeps wanting everyone to just be them" is so so so accurate.

Your brother may be high off his butt on painkillers but he's very accurate in his takes.

[rrxnjun]

IM SORRY FOR ANSWERING SO SUPER LATE LIFE GOT SO HECTIC ALL OF THE SUDDEN☹️

STILL WITH THE TAKE THE STAIRS FIC U GAVE ME LIFE WITH IT ACTUALLY IT WAS SO NICE TO JUST TURN MY BRAIN OFF AND READ IT SO I THANK U FOR IT!! and like actually need a jaemin in my life istg!! AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE TEASER OF UR NEW CHENLE FIC!!! IT ALREADY SEEMS SO FUN!! SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!!! 🥳🤭

I AGREE I WOULD ALSO RATHER JUST GOOGLE THE END OF THE SHOW!!

AHH I HOPE U FOUND SOME ARTISTS SINCE THEN!!! AND THANK U SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF UR DAY AND TRANSLATING FOR ME!! IM SURE U ARE VERY BUSY AS WELL SO THANK U SO MUCH I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!!🥹🥹💝💓 and my god the lyrics are so☹️☹️☹️ it's just such a great song and now it even got so much better with understanding it!!!🥲

WELL IF IT DOES HAPPEN I WILL BE HERE XD parents smh /j (but like actually i understand them cuz traveling alone can be risky☹️) thank u i hope we will figure something out if it does happen🥹🥹

IM GLAD THAT U ARE DONE WITH ONE OF UR ESSAYS ALREADY!! AND I HOPE SINCE MY LAST ASK U STILL ARE DOING GOOD WITH UR SCHOOL WORK AND STUFF🥳

I LOVE UR POSTS THERE LMAO SO DONT BE SORRY and ofc i agree!!! zach was my fav from the why dont we boys🤭 OH MY I HAVENT HEARD ABOUT THE VAMPS IN AGES damn now i'm gonna go and listen to them😵‍💫(also saw that u turned into a treasure stan🫣 and ur take on jikjin!! it's such a great song glad u listened to it!!!)

(liebestraum anon💕 and sorry if i disappear again and for writing a lot i swear i will try and keep it short for once☹️)

AHH ITS TOTALLY OKAY!!!! cant say i didnt miss you but i ofc understand that u have your own life and responsibilities and such,, so dont worry about it🤍🤍 AND THANK U SM AGAIN!!!

DJDJSJ MY CHENLE FIC IS FUN BUT THEN IT GETS DEPRESSING REAL QUICK SO UHHH HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR SOME ANGST ;-; (also i started rewriting liebestraum. just thought i'd let you know<3)

im super glad u enjoyed my translation!! the lyrics are really screamable in my opinion,,, and i also hope i did them justice however i bet i did a better job than all of the ones i saw online :p its not the best artistic lyricism but i like it nonetheless DJSK sometimes u need simple songs to jam to.

travelling alone COULD be risky </3 me and my uni friends randomly travelled to vienna last week because it was warm out and we thought our seasonal depression was finally over and i love me some spontaneous decisions but also it was so anxiety inducing bc it was my first time going abroad with no supervision 😭😭 we had SO much fun but also the stress we were put through to find the bus platform back home ??? never again. was so bad that i broke my 5 month streak of not smoking bc i had to calm myself down somehow and then i was put through the stress of buying cigarettes in german when i caNT SPEAK GOOD GERMAN but 10/10 i would do it again and it made me more confident abt travelling with friends so i WILL drag my equally spontaneous uni friends to budapest as soon as i can. (please tell me they speak at least a little english there)

I AM ACTUALLY DONE W 4 ESSAYS NOW WHOOP WHOOP ‼‼‼ 4 MORE TO GO BUT IM DOING WELL NO STRESS SO FAR. HOPE YOUR SCHOOL IS GOING WELL TOO!

wait do u rlly bc i think im so annoying on there sometimes like girl chill😭😭 but ZACH WAS ALWAYS MY FAV TOO altho i did have a daniel phase. I havent listened to the vamps in ages either i should catch up or sum ;-;

omg dont mention the teumefication of bar i wont admit it to myself yet DHSKSK however jikjin is now my fav song and i fear seeing my 2023 spotify wrapped bc of it now. ive also been watching a concerning amount of treasure map and finding myself in love with jihoon but thats...not important rn.

ill be waiting for u liebestraum anon!!! dw abt sending long asks i always look forward to them🤍 hope your days are filled with joy mwah

[lonelyshrimp]

What happened with your roomies if you don’t mind me asking...?

 Yknow what I’m in a mood and they don’t know my tumblr (haha they think I’m a cisstraight girl lol) so let’s get into some shit. Imma put everything under a read more bc imma rant a bit and this is gonna get long.

TW: food, unsanitary (general things not being kept clean, typically bathroom and kitchen related), drug use, fighting, slurs

tl;dr if you dont feel like reading this beast:

They steal what food i dare leave out in the kitchen rather tan keep in my room

They slam doors excessively, fight, yell horrible things to each other, have friends over yelling at like 2 am (last night for example)

Leave the doors unlocked and open?? We cant even lock the front door anymore??? (Dw the doors to our rooms all have locks. If I’m in my room or out of the house, my door is locked)

Constantly throw around the r slur. Like. All the time. Including one person having called me it. Y i k e s

One person keeps smoking in the house even though i’ve asked numerous times (and even have a note on my door) asking people to please smoke outside, it gives me headaches. You are physically hurting me stop.

Don’t Clean Anything. The kitchen is a wreck. The toilets are constantly clogging, I Am In Hell.

For context: the house is a one story house divided into a main floor and finished basement. It’s a rooming house and the basement is largely seperate from upstairs. (They have a kitchen door that they keep closed and locked.) The stairs to the basement are split into two smaller flights, with a landing in between the floors. That’s where the side door is. The public spaces upstairs are the kitchen (connects to stairs), the hallway, and the two bathrooms (big main one, tiny water closet by the front door). The rest of the upstairs is split into five rooms. For comprehension sake, we’ll call my roommates: The Couple (M&F), A, T, and J.

Mmkay lets start with the least egregious and move our way up, shall we? Theft! Of anything and everything! No one can have anything out in the public areas if they actually care about it. It. Will. Get. Stolen. Now, I have a mini fridge and the second biggest room here, so I’m lucky in that 99% of my groceries, as well as all my other belongings, fit in my room. There’s just a wee problem: I don’t have a freezer. Not to fear, past naïve me thought, I’ll just clean out and use the locked freezer since I still have the keys for that fridge! (We have two fridges and food theft was a problem beforehand and so me and my friend who lived here cleaned out the second fridge to use as our own and kept it locked.) I decided to do this after I had bought myself some ice cream, wrote my name on the top, and put it in the main freezer. I go to have some ice cream later that week, I open the tub for the first time (as in I removed the seal holding the lid onto the tub) to find that someone eaten half the tub of ice cream while making it seem like it hadn’t been opened. I know it happened at home bc the spoon marks were clear as day and I have to walk 20 minutes back from the grocery store. That woulda melted by then (Also I would’ve noticed at the store that. The tub was hella lopsided??? And way too light???) So yea of course I’m ticked now, I spent 6 bucks on that bro like just ask or get ur own??? So I put it the other freezer, and for a while it’s fine. Next month I decide to treat myself to some frozen waffles and some chicken strips and come home to find that the hinges holding the locks onto the doors of the fridge were torn out of the fridge/freezer doors. Like. The screws were pried outta this metal door rendering the locks completely useless (to the point i wouldn’t even be able to put the hinges back on.) And the cherry on top?? My ice cream was gone!!! Hope u enjoyed it, asshole. So whatever. Fine. I put my food away and. a week later?? Im like “Man i could go for some waffles rn”. I bought 2 8 packs. One chocolate chip, one cinnamon (y’all i literally buy the cheapest ones Zehrs sells. 2,19$ a box y’all. not even eggos). Surprise surprise!! The entire box of choccy chip ones GONE. Mind u, i wrote my name on all of these boxes, as well as a very large “DO NOT EAT”. so i begrudgingly had a couple (note that, 2) cinnamon waffles and move on. A couple days later I go to have some more and. The waffles are completely gone. Out of a total of 16 waffles, ya boy got a solid 2. (It’s worth noting that there was a single waffle left, but at 0,27$ a waffle, I didn’t mind leaving the box on the table with a note basically reading “these are cheap af, buy ur own bitch”.) (I didn’t swear that much tho)

I’d add the bike to the list but i can’t confirm nor deny that one of my roommates stole my tires and seat off my bike (although M does work on bikes all the time so man idk.)

Next up: wow people here are l o u d. I’m talking slamming doors all the time, slamming things around, yelling, playing music wildly loud. It’s awful. Like. You can just. Close the door quietly? Stop slamming things around please? It’s awful because loud sudden noises make me panic and lemme tell ya, wakin up at eight am bc your a-hole roommate decided to slam the door eight times bc the front door is broken because someone took the border around the jamb off instead of fixing it so we can actually?? lock that door?? because it doesnt quite fit in the jamb and so the only wat to lock it was the chain lock and. someone took that too so thats fun :)))))). The side door isn’t that much better. We have a code lock and. No One Ever Locks It. Like. I’ll come outta room and?? It’s just open????? Close the door???????????

The worst, however, is the fucking fighting. The Couple love to argue all the time. and yell at each other and slam the doors or smashing shit and they yell pretty awful things to each other. Like. I’ve heard M call his gf some awful shit. It’s worse when they have people over too. The other day there were like. 14 cops in here bc of them at like 2 am. Cue me, 2 am, trying to watch a livestream and seeing like??? Six cop cars pull up????? Wh a t????? Not fun not good for my brain.

God and. What is with everyone and the r slur??? Like what?? there are so many words you can choose stop using that word. Like okay the other night someone?? took the dc adapter for the wireless modem and one of the dudes downstairs as well as the couple were looking to see if they had a compatible dc adapter and so i just decided to wait?? and i just spaced out a bit okay whatever i was lookin at the wall like i do and fuckin. the couple had a couple friends over and one of em was chillin between the kitchen and the hall and M yells out from his room “Hey don’t you feel weird with this creepy ass bitch standing next to you? Like what is she, m*ntally r*tarded?” like wow okay dude i’m literally not doing anything. Luckily his friends reaction was basically “?? She lives here?? She can stand there if she wants??” (wow referring to myself as she feels weird and wrong).

A big problem I have is I feel like theres a community in this house that I just don’t fit into? Part of it is I’m like. the only person here who doesn’t do drugs of any kind?? Like I have nothing against ppl who use drugs like whatever bro, but it feels super othering to me when i can’t relate to anyone here because of it. That and. Getting T in particular but really just anyone but A to respect me asking that if you’re going to smoke anything to do it outside because weed and to a lesser extent cigarette smoke trigger my sensory disorder and causes me pain and causes sensory overload and I still find myself asking people to smoke outside.Like I’ve never been unreasonable and said “no drugs in the house” or some bs. I’m just asking u to respect my disability thanks.And like?? I’ll get into this in a second but there were needles in the toilet?? Bro throw them out properly.

And now: Hell.

Can no one clean up after themselves?? Do your dishes. If theres food left on your plate, throw it out first, don’t dump it in the sink. Seriously the kitchen sink is fucked. The kitchen is gross. The microwave ugh ugh ugh no thanks. No one can clean everything. This is why all my cookware and dishes are in my room. That way I can make sure I 1) Still Own It and 2) Its clean and usable. I clean them as I go and just use my own shit.

Nothing compares to the bathrooms, though. It seems like every other day one of the toilets are clogged. Last week there were spoons in the sink?? Like at least 10 spoons. In the bathroom sink. The floor is dirty because no one owns a mop and?? there was one in the kitchen?? I haven’t seen it in like a month. And the worst of all. Okay, it’s really bad when every one up here is between like. 16 and 19 I think? And I had to put up a sign in the bathroom asking people to flush when you’re done??? And I still have to flush before I can use the washroom???? And it feels like every week or so. The toilet’s clogged. Oh! I forgot to mention that the water closet doesn’t even have a doorknob anymore. Someone took it. But wait, it gets worse. Seriously if extremely unsanitary things bother u, stop reading now.

Twice in the past month I’ve had to contact the landlord because the toilets were beyond clogged. The first time was bad but oh lord nothing compares to the second time (aka last week). The first time was your pretty standard toilet clogs and backs up and its very gross. I contacted the landlord and it was fixed the next day and it was fine. For. Two Days. Im serious. See. People here have a real issue it seems of “The person before me didn’t flush so neither will I”, leading to a toilet bowl full of like. a half a roll of toilet paper and waste. F u n. What that led to was the toilet clogging, people not doing anything about it, and continuing to use it. Eventually the toilet bowl was full, so trow a shopping bag over the lid to mark the toilet as “Out of order” and move on to the other one.Both toilets were completely unusable. I emailed the landlord and i don’t know if either they or one of the people living here contacted them, but the old landlord and old property manager were here the other day to clean them out and fix them?? and yea among all the standard waste you’d expect in a toilet, there were needles? Like buddy theres a trash can right there? I know u had the needle caps bc they were in there too. just... disgusting...

bro this is just what i can think of off the top of my head i know theres more but oh no this is so long now. just. this is a lot more detail than u wanted but i wanted to get this out of my brain??

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[willgayers]

like, imagine eddie working in a 24/7 convinience store during the night shift (like,,, 11pm-4am) and richie is a regular that just comes in the weirdest hours and buys the most bizarre combo of items and is always trying to flirt w eddie making puns with whatever items hes buying and eddie lowkey likes it (cue stan rolling his eyes)

lmaooo yes yes yes!!

eddie fucking HATES it

but he’s a destitute student (arent we all ha ha ha… send me money) so its not like he really has a choice ya know

he only really likes one of his co-workers (martha) and hates everyone else

but at least theres… something interesting about his job…

richie tozier is 18 and he lives by himself at a condo downtown and his life was pretty fucking boring taking he’d just moved into derry and he knew literally NO ONE other than the cool chick who lives in the same block of flats and richie saw her wearing a the smiths shirt so they became friends 

but then one night,, richie was about to go for a smoke when he realized he’s all out 

also he was kind of in the mood for chicken nuggets

and now that we’re at it how great would a bottle of soda be with that

he remembers seeing a convenience store near his house so he gets up from his couch and glances at the clock ,,, 2am its not that bad yet

so he gets out of the house and walks over to the store

he swings the door open and glances around. the lamps create a rather ugly yellow shade inside,, an old backstreet boys song is playing from the stereos and richie snorts

he doesnt see anyone behind the counter so he just goes straight to the fridge to grab some nuggets,, waddles over to the soda section and grabs a huge bottle of coke

and then he walks out from behind one isle and sees the prettiest?? boy?? ever??

richie drops the coke bottle and it starts to gush out 

the boy behind the counter snaps his head towards richie the SECOND

richie does nothing

“HEY? EXCUSE ME???”

tozier just gapes at him

“ARE YOU GONNA PICK THAT UP??”

“holy shit” richie literally just blurts out 

“??????” this guy is looking at richie like what the fUCK??

then richie flinches back to the moment

“shit,,, i mean,,, yes,, fuck,” richie starts to reach out for the bottle and eddie is like WHAT is this dude seriously gonna grab the-

the soda is still spilling out and some of it shoots straight against richie’s glasses 

“FUCK” he yelps out and drops the bottle, some MORE of it just filling the floor

“oh my gOd just leave it,,, pay for the rest,” eddie sighs knowing he’s gonna have to clean it up

“i am so,,,so sorry” richie blurts out as he rubs his glasses against his shirt and walks towards the counter

eddie looks at him clearer now that he doesnt have the ridiculously big glasses covering half of his face,,, and he swallows because wow?? he’s actually really cute?? 

“yeah its… whatever” eddie murmurs, licking his lips nervously

“so you’ll take that only?” eddie asks, nodding towards the chicken nugget pack

“and a green marlboro”

eddie fights the urge to roll his eyes. he doesnt get smokers

but instead he just hands him the pack 

“that’ll be 6.50″

“here,, and again i am terribly sorry about…”

they both glance behind richie where the coke is only now starting to die out

“yeah.” eddie just says

a few days later,,, richie’s at the skate park with his only friend in town 

“can i tell you something.” richie asks as they’re chilling on top of their skates

“sure” beverly says,, takin a drag out of her cig

“i saw someone”

beverly starts to smirk wide at him 

“oh yeah??? whats she look like i might know her”

richie glances away

“uh.. not a she, actually. a he”

“i go both ways” richie shrugs as beverly’s silently asking if he’s..? not that she’d judge him but out of curiosity

“okay well, whats HE look like”

“he works at the convenience store” richie says and the second he does beverly bursts out laughing

richie’s like ???what???

“oh my god, EDDIE KASPBRAK???”

“you know him???”

“ohh boy eddie kaspbrak is the princess of this town there’s no way in hell you’re gonna get with him”

richie’s heart sinks a little 

“but hey!! theres plenty of pretty boys in this town”

richie doesnt care he wants that one

eddie’s lowkey thought of the weird guy who spilled coke all over the carpet also 

one night richie’s about to make food but realizes he’s out of french fries. and he wants to eat chicken with french fries. he cant possibly eat it with rice that he has,, he just has to eat it with french fries oh well haha what a great thing he lives next to a convenience store!!

so he goes there,, and ,, its faith its destiny or at least thats what tozier thinks eddie is working 

eddie’s stomach flips

mostly because he’s afraid he’s gonna break something again 

“hello” richie says

“…hi..” eddie says, watching as richie walks,, trying to be all cool and casual but ends up walking against a Lays shelf

eddie drops his head quickly to hide his laughter as an embarrassed richie starts gathering up the chips

he ends up taking one tho only so that he can say he “did it on purpose”

“so you’re taking chips and french fries huh???”

“well why not. i like potatoes”

“great”

“uh-huh”

richie’s just staring at eddie as he’s doing his job and eddie can feel this so his cheeks are kinda heating up 

“and a pack of green marlboros”

“right” eddie says,, remembering this from last time 

“that’ll be 10dollars”

“thanks eddie”

eddie almost chokes as the guy flashes him a smirk and is about to leave

“how do you know my name???”

richie just winks and eddie’s stomach flips again but this time its over something completely different and before eddie could ask his name richie’s out of the store already. proud w himself

richie doesnt say anything to bevvie tho even tho they hang out bc he doesnt want 1) beverly to bring him down 2) to ruin the great moment when he’s gonna tell beverly he’s got a date with eddie and see the look on her face

after a couple of days richie goes back to buy a twix bar. and more cigarettes

“hi eds” richie says as he walks in and eddie goes bright red

“do not call me eds”

richie smirks as he shuffles to the desk 

“can i have a pack of-”

eddie slams the marlboro green to the counter

richie smirks lightly

“and a twix” 

“those are in front of you” eddie snaps

“yeah i know that, you handing it to me would’ve just been a great moment to accidentally brush my fingers against yours tho” richie sighs as he grabs the twix and places it on the desk with a sweet smile

eddie’s eyes widen and he has to fake a cough 

“FIVE TWENTY, THANK YOU”

“here ya go” richie says and slides him the money

“whats your name??” eddie asks 

“oh, are you interested in knowing??”

“no, but since you somehow know mine which is kind of stalkery and creepy-”

“richie” richie says as he opens the chocolate bar wrapper and bites down to it 

eddie blinks at him

“richie”

“yeah” richie bites his chocolate again “thats me”

“you enjoying that?” eddie nods towards the twix bar that richie’s literally gorged

“i’ve had better things in my mouth but its okay”

eddie’s jaw drops lightly and he just stares at richie 

and then someone clears their throat so eddie turns his gaze to the rather pissed off looking lady behind richie and he clears his throat

“oKAY! NEXT CUSTOMER PLEASE!”

richie glances behind him 

“hey we were having a conversation here”

eddie’s eyes widen

“UH, NO WE WEREN’T!” Eddie fakes a nervous laugh “please just,, step ahead!!”

“wow, rude eds. im gonna go then”

“ooookayyyyy,,, byeeee” eddie says as he’s already beeping the next customer’s stuff but as richie walks away he still steals a glance at his back

richie just keeps on going back

everytime he buys something weird 

“a vanilla candle..”

“yes, i like the smell”

“uh-huh”

*next time*

“meatballs and popcorn? please tell me you’re not mixing these two”

“i wasnt gonna but thanks for the idea”

*next time*

“cat food? you have a cat?”

“no” 

eddie frowns

“then why would you buy cat food?”

“i wanted to see you” :’)

kaspbrak tries to ignore the butterflies he’s feeling rn

“…three thirty”

“thats some expensive kitty food. well, i hope my next door neighbor tanya will appreciate this”

“youre buying this for your neighbor??”

“yeah. she’s a nice old romani lady with three cats” richie says as he grabs the cat food and eddie starts to smile a little because thats so cute??

richie notices the smile and he just smiles back. no flirts or anything just smiles 

“see ya later alligator” richie says and eddie rolls his eyes amusedly 

“bye”

days pass by,,, richie coming in practically every day and he just doesnt even look around anymore he just grabs the first thing at hands length and puts it to the counter

batteries,, candy bags,, motorcycle magazines,, even tampons once

“…..”

“i get bad nosebleeds” 

and eddie actually lets out a chuckle. an actual ,,, true chuckle and richie gets the biggest smile

“you want your regular?” eddie asks

“huh?”

“the marlboros”

“oh no i quit” richie shrugs and eddie looks surprised

“really?”

“yeah” richie shrugs

(lowkey he quit bc he somehow found out eddie doesnt like smokers)

*eddie heart-eyes intensify*

*another time*

richie’s feeling flirty one friday and buys a pack of condoms

“yyyyello” he says as he slams the pack against the table

eddie looks at it and oh wow he feels like he’s been hit in the chest

why the hell??? he doesnt even know this guy??? yet he kinda feels like he does??? 

“who’s the lucky girl” eddie comments as he beeps the pack

“who says its a girl” richie asks and eddie gets even more pissed off now because??? hE LIKES BOYS??? THATS EVEN WORSE

“right” eddie just dramatically snaps and before he can say the price richie speaks

“im kidding i dont really wanna buy those” he says

eddie quirks a brow

“huh?”

“i dont need them”

silence

“im not having sex”

silence

“i mean i ,,, i do have sex but im not currently having sex”

“…uh huh okay, thanks for sharing this w-”

“okay im getting DESPERATE i need you to go out on a date with me”

eddie’s eyes widen as he raises both of his brows now

“im sorry what”

“yes ,,oh my god PLEASE i’ve been coming here literally every day i thought it would be obvious as im buying things like fucking,,, tampons and protein bars when you can clearly see i haven’t worked out a day in my life”

eddie starts to smile (bc thats true)

“okay”

richie’s taken aback

“huh??”

“okay, i’ll go on a date with you”

“what seriously???”

“yeah” eddie smirks but then jokingly goes serious “just… dont put tampons up your nose”

“i promise i wont i dont even- well sometimes when i do get-”

eddie raises amused brows

“sorry” richie apologizes for talking too much again

eddie grabs a piece of paper and scrabbles something before folding it and handing it to richie

(smooth finger brushing was done btw)

(eddie did it on purpose)

(which sent tingles down richie’s spine)

“i have a free day tomorrow”

“oK THATS GREAT I GOTTA GO NOW BYE” richie’s shocked™

“wait!” eddie stopped him just as richie was about to turn around

“arent you forgetting something??” he says and richie drops his gaze to the counter where eddie’s sliding the condom pack towards richie

richie could fucking cry as he looks at the smirk on eddie’s face

“i dont-” he utters out like what the FuCk Is GoiNg ON

eddie doesnt say anything just raises his brows so richie swallows and nods and grabs the pack, shakily shoving them to the back of his jeans before he gets out and looks at the paper

its got a number

and then 

eddie ,,, and a small heart after that

richie fucking SWOONS and he could do the whole breakfast club fist pump to the air 

they have their date and its lit af and awh

and on monday richie hangs out with beverly

his phone rings and he answers

“hey cutie”

beverly raises her brows

“yeah im still at the skate park.”

silence

“yeah??” richie asks “yeah sure of course!! come here. ok see you”

“who was that?” bevvie asks

richie just smirks

bc literally seconds later eddie walks over (he was just around the corner)

beverly’s mouth drops

“hey!!” eddie smiles as he makes his way over to the two of them,, leaning down to press a kiss to richie’s lips as he sits down 

“beverly,, you might know eddie” richie looks at beverly as he speaks ,, mentally saying HA HA BITCH!!!

beverly just gapes at the two of them

“hi:)” - eddie

“…hi…” beverly gives him an awkward smile

“so like,,, i was supposed to go to work today right?? but then my boss called me and wait im gonna show you this mail i was supposed to take to the post office-”

as eddie starts to grab something from his backpack and goes on with his talking,, beverly turns her shocked gaze to richie who just looks so fucking proud 

“are you serious???” beverly mouths

“ohhh yeah” richie mouths back at him

“hey babe?” richie asks 

“yeah?” eddie asks, turning his head towards richie from his backpack

“gimme another kiss” richie pouts and eddie rolls his eyes, kissing him again. richie starts jokingly planting dozens of tiny kisses on his mouth, making eddie giggle

beverly’s jaw only drops lower

they hang out for some time but once eddie leaves,, beverly speaks

“well,,, guess i was wrong” 

richie just smiles wide bc ofc she was

its reddie

how do i end this??

fuck

bye

the end

@superbyersbros@xbell22@donthateonk8@stenbroughbros@reddiebrekmyheart@itsgreywaterrichie@donvex@blueeyespurpleskies@ageorgymi@oh-youre-the-worst@eddiekaaspbraak @whipashwhipash@rissyq @richietoaster @edskasqbrak @urtury@bukiminajimu@kcutieeesblog@stansmansuris@adorefack@reddieaddict@icyeyes102@denbroughbill@graveyardshipper@taletellingsir@anxiety-freak-yuuri@rheddie@queertrashmouth@richiefreakingtozier@castletozier@tohzier@80soleff@lonewolfhard@low-key-dying@sad-synth@richietoaster@badboyharrington@beepbeep-losers@temptedtozier@kaspbraccs@kylieee827-blog @sad-synth@low-key-dying@officiallyreddie@reddietofall@stanleyboii@eternitynurarms@remushlupin@turtleneckrichie@rosegoldrichie@80srichie@asteroidbill@lonewolfhard@trashmouthgazebos@littlepointman@finnhardwolf@allison0609 @fabulousprinceali  @tatiscribbles @s-s-georgie @coralinejones @richiestoziiers @tatiscribbles

[creatureex]

Personal problem shout out 2 (dont read pls)

I have secretly smoked and drink but no one in my family knows but i dont have them as a habit either. I only do them when i get so depressed jus to have a moment of happiness

The only bad thing i do is gaming yep they consider it as a bad and life wasting thing

Its not like i am playing 24/7

My daily routine on holidays (i got 3 freaking months rn) is doing all the household works

Right from the moment i open my eyes, i do every single house wife stuffs while they cant even get their own water to drink and i have to go and grab it for them

I cant even look at my phone unless im in the toilet

After cleaning up everything they do, im asked to help in their crappy stuffs till i go water plants or sometimes wash cars at about near 6

After taking a bath i have to go to them again till about 10 or 12 if i have to massage my parents

Only after that i get my free time

So whats in this for me? I do all the stuff all day and now they are trying to take my laptop away coz they found me playing games at 2am like wtf or are they afraid like masters afraid of slaves getting fever?

The me in their version is doing nth but play games all day and wasting time and money

They would go tell it like to others and tell me how shameful they feel. Everyone except my friends think im an ungrateful piece of shit troubling my own parents

That one time i went to see infinity war jus for about 3hrs and the whole house was like on hell fire and how am i suppose to go take outside class courses?

I cant even go out with my friends and none of them wont bother calling me anymore I can only meet them at sch

I mean am i a slave u guys bought or a freaking son? U guys dont even appreciate what i did for u and cant even satisfy with that? What did i do to be in here? My hope of things will get better is fading away. All i want to do is to get away from this family asap and idc if i die starving in streets or whatever.

Its more like they are still feeding me coz they feel sorrow and responsibility upon my existence

Things i always pray for everyone

-Never to have parents like mine

-Never to get to live like my miserable life

[mischeviousmieczyslaw-blog]

Teen Wolf 6x09 spoilers

So instead of doing small posts throughout, i'm gonna do one giant post concerning this episode, so lets get to it. • #MaliaTheOptimist • Omg we're doing the cold remembery thingy we did with Isaac bb • Sheriff, you don't have a station full of armed deputies to back u up. srys. • poor bbs so sed Sheriff nooo • dont. shoot. theo. (pls) • "I'm an Atheist, fire at will." I just got chills idk why someone help me now i'm turned on. • what is going on theo what OMG YES STILES WAS SMART WOW SHE GREAT SO RIGHT I CANT BELIEVE I LOVE THEO RAEKEN •in this moment, i remember what theo trash i am :) • WTF SHERIFF BBY PLS NO HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME •"theres a lot of keys here!" "I'm beginning to feel like you're not even trying here!" Omg •theo just ran over a ghost rider what a cutiepie • yay shirtless scott • #momLydia • SCYDIA FRIENDSHIP FEELS •werewolf freezee pop • Scott Mccall is such a beautiful being • ALPHA EYES • Lydia, i can hear you. • HE IS REMEMBERING SEASON ONE OMG BABYCAKES • BUZZCUT STILES •i love this song • awe Baby Beta Scott • i love Theo omg yall i am trash • STILES YOU ARE NOT ROBIN I PROMISE ILY • "cause you trust everyone" this moment broke my heart • Scott sweetie pls • Liam you darling baby too sweet • Theo you ass why do i love you • OH SHIT SISSY GONNA KICK YR ASS THEO oh es a memory OK NOW I REMEMBER WHY I LOVE YOU YOU POOR SWEET HURT SOUL • Ha shittttttttt yall in trouble • Lost Lydia hurts my heart she is my queen • ok now shes not lost she is a smart gg babygirl • YAS LYDIA YOU SWEET SMART PRINCESS I LOVE YOU • Scott you got this pupper • open the locker do it do it do it • this is only half the episode yall must hate me omfg • "lets play dead like good pups" basically what Liam just said • QUIT ARGUING OMGEE THEO JUST QUIT BEING PROBLEMATIC YOU TOTAL ASS •oh shit Liam steppin up..unexpected •Omg he is remembering the phone call • YES STILES I DO MISS YOU • Lydia support yo Alpha • i wonder which memory is gonna trigger it • LIKE AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION LIKE AN EMOTIONAL TETHER • BROTHERS • IS IT THAT ONE IS THAT IT IS IT THAT MEMORY YES IT IS •IM CRYING SO HARD •SCOTT YOURE MY BEST FRIEND SCOTT YOURE MY BROTHER • I cant see thru my tears • this episode is an emotional rollercoaster • lydia is so pretty • BABY HIS HANDS ARE SHAKING • Malia my queen yes IM A HARDCORE STYDIA SHIPPER BUT I AM READY FOR THIS • Omg so long ago so eichen so far back • my heart my heart malia pls THE HALE VAULT my sweet sweet children babycakes • MALIA PLS OPEN YOUR EYES NO PLS •MALIA YOU DID IT •MALIA DONT FREEZE YALL BETTER GET HER OUT • yas #teamwork from my fave and my least fave (no offense i just don't like Liam) •Scalia sweet moment yes •they have so much hope • omg im sorry malia shes so sad BUT STYDIA YES YES YES •woah YAS THEO KICK ASS YAS THEO GIVE SASS •ok liam is an honorable werepuppy and i'm liking him more every second • THEO U BETTER HOP ON THAT WAGON AND START KICKIN SOME ASS B4 U GO •THEOS EYES ARE AMAZING •"you smoked when you were ten?" "No just bit my fingernails" • Malia reading is so cute • Scott reading is so relaxing THIS IS HYPNOSIS WHY AM I TURNED ON • Omg is she gonna watch their memories YES SHE IS girl now u see how we felt • THE DANCE AWE • if Stiles doesnt come back in the end of all this imma sue Jeff Davis for emotional trauma •YAS THEO •NO THEO • as you can tell... i, a theo girl, am very conflicted in this episode. • *goes to fist bump like cuties* *yeah no* •THEO I LOVE U BABYCAKES OMFG HE SAVED LIAM I CANT RN I CANT IM SCREAMING CHARACTER REDEMPTION OMFG •REMEMBER I LOVE YOU SHE REMEMBERS SHE REMEMBERS THE KISS YALL •real tears yall I had to pause it i'm crying so hard •they played the song •WHEN SHE REALIZED SHE LOVED HIM THATS WHEN IT HAPPENED • shes crying babygirl please dont cry just remember him and be happy and love him and take care of him •BUT YOU CAN SAY IT BACK •if this aint stiles imma fight Jeff •Plsplsplsplsplsplsplspls Please be stiles • ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME •OK PROMO MADE IT BETTER ok and with that, my emotionally unstable ass is gonna go cry. Thank you and goodnight folks!

[swearronchanel]

Impromptu post, thoughts during 5.05

I'm so pissed I literally lost an earring at some point today and just realized. So I ripped my dorm room apart looking for it (no luck of course) and now it's 9:30 so I already missed half of the new episode of Jane the Virgin. Also my earrings are from Tiffany's, they were a Christmas gift a couple years ago & I can't afford to replace it😭 whatever you guys don't care about this, I'm so tired but I refuse to fall asleep at 9:30pm because I'll wake up at like 5am. So I decided to watch a random episode of Call The Midwife and share my thoughts.

Ok I'm going with 5.05, since we just saw 6.05 lol, idk If there's any logic but just go with it alright

ah the old credits, I really like the new ones though. Especially the color

"We were moving from a time of guessing.." I love how the show explains & shows that times are changing

The health report! Littt

"I feel a drumroll is in order" Shelagh is so precious!! 💖 I love her Scottish accent && side note I still wish they would mention one day how she got London. It literally does not matter at all but we know next to nothing about her past and im curious ?! More of Shelagh’s past pls

WAIT ONE OF MY FAV SHELAGH LINES IS COMING

"Patrick Turner, GP License to Practice Medicine and Secret Agent Shelagh Turnova save Poplar from ill health and disease!" I LOVE ITTTT😂 ONE OF HER BEST LINES EVER DONT @ ME, her laugh at the end is priceless ah! Shelagh is lowkey funny af she just rarely gets to opportunity and again Laura Main is an actual gem 😍

KEEP FIT

Trixie looking so good😍 i need her to whip my ass back in to shape. i havent worked out in like 3 months yikes

but seriously is this really my train of thoughts if i dont mention how perfect Helen George is?

yea its fuccking cancer, cigs are no joke

lol did they really not notice Tim reading Freud?

Also why did Shelagh ever think smoking cigarettes was a good idea after she freaking had tb? i forgive her though shes my bby💕

phyllis! my mother and hero

oh yea this lady cant read

forgot she was a ex-prostitute

vi and fred doing jumping jacks im dead, theyre a cute couple

Where did frankincense come from??

lol violet didnt wanna give up the bathroom door "we may be married but i still have my dignity"

Mrs Dooly? Is that her name (idk)

I can so see Shelagh delivering her baby herself like this lady did, but obviously she’d know what’s happening. You think Shelagh is going to freak out while giving birth though? hmm  

"I do like a milky brew" WHY IS THAT FUNNY😂😂 I like the Delia & Sister MJ interaction

PHYLLIS TRYING TO RIDE A BIKE IS SYMBOLISM FOR ME TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS SEMESTER #barelymanaging

does laying on a door really help a messed up back?

Those awful sleeves on Delia's uniform *cringe*

"I am not trusted with medical emergencies" I TRUST YOU SISTER MJ💕 lowkey hope the delivery sister MJ is involved in is Shelagh's

If I had to deliver my own baby I'd be freaking the fuck out too, like I'm not Dr Quinn

The Nonnatus Fam all at the table makes me happy😭

Sister Winifred rolling her eyes in the back 😂😂😂

"I'll be washing my hair and reading magazines from now on" yo sister Winifred is growing on me tbh?? Wow lol

"Ive always assumed the results of the male organ to be more rewarding than the organ itself" 😂😭 love sister MJ

Everyone in the convent shook😂 again sister W has the best reactions 😂 dick jokes are 100x funnier when they're made in a convent & 1000x funnier when they're made by a nun

Shelagh's "percussion" on Tim's back I'm dead lmfaoo

I don't remember if she has post partum ?

Fred taking over the shop😂 I miss when Fred used to scam though😭

"I'm missing my monthlys" "monthly whats?" Oh Fred cmon 😂

Tim snatching those cigarettes

Barbara trying to measure this lady😂😂 she's so awkward, love it

She leaves her baby outside smh

"Gosh James knows how to show a chap a nice time"  ANOTHER GREAT SHELAGH LINE😂 give my bby more great lines 😭😂

I LOVE CHEEKY SHELAGH, I LOVE SHELAGH ALL THE TIME EVEN WHEN SHE HAS NO LINES OR IS CRYING AND SAD (WHICH IS TOO OFTEN & WE NEEDA CUT THAT OUT)

Laura Main and Helen George calmly ruined me, I never was like this? How did I end up literally crying every week for fictional characters ??

Shelagh and Patrick's faces were so smug just now I love it

Yikes those lungs

Reminds me of all the gross anti smoking commercials. Also Patrick is shook but I'm not too surprised

I love that Phyllis is so understanding and doesn't judge any patient  💕

"You have the rest of your life to get the hang of it" I NEEDED THAT TOO PHYLLIS THANKS

LMAO FRED "Because hell will freeze over first"

so yes post partum??

Phyllis is annoyed bc she wants to work on her Spanish and babs is taking too long with the dishes 😂😂te querio mucho phyllis

Tim sparking up lol 🚬

Here comes trouble

I wanna rip Patrick's index finger off. Remember that time he wagged his finger and Shelagh and I was ready TO FREAKING FLIP

but yea wtf you knew this would happen Tim

Shelagh's just like "Tim no" I love u Shelagh but what does that do lmao your husband is exploding

"You'll what, light it for me!?" BOYYYY ARE YOU BRAVE KID

If I responded like that my parents would've flipped, there most likely would've been a chancla coming at me  😭😂

But seriously Patrick should know better not to smoke lol

What does Roxanne mean this isn't real??

Aw cute Patrick and Tim moment, and a year later they're getting drunk off one beer and throwing darts into the wall😂

I want to see more of Phyllis with babies aww

Also not really related but I hope Phyllis has some good lines defending the pill when it comes back up. Remember when she had babs shook when she told the story of the soldier she spent a weekend away with😏 imagine her telling the other nurses?

Used to hang out at a Jazz club Patrick?? lol interesting  

damn get that radium treatment man

"The real magic is keeping on when all you want to do is run" Phyllis Fucking Crane spilling the tea as always. How did I not like her once upon a time??

Could Shelagh get any cuter eating biscuits? No she could not

lol biscuits aren't just for fainters!! Ah I don't miss sister Ursula 🙃

that's not your mother😐 (I knew where she was going though but you know I'm gonna say it anyway)

More Shelagh and Phyllis interaction yes pls

How much is a shilling? #ignorantamerican

Fred hiding from the costumers 😂😂

Yes Vi! Defend ur man & kick this rude ass lady out

Lol now Patrick telling other people to quit smoking. Don Draper tried man, it's gonna take u a while 😭

I'm here for the Phyllis and Sister W dynamic (more now that Phyllis is teaching her how to drive 😂)

Ah I love going back to old episodes when I know what happens in the future, also I notice things I didn't notice before and make connections and yea, you catch my drift lmao

"We don't choose to be unloved by those who should love us"💔

we truly don't deserve Phyllis. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER MOTHER AND IM CRYING

"Shame will keep us in all kinds of prisons if we let it" 😭😭😭

Patrick has a puppy face rn

Wait they went this long without naming the baby??

omg speaking of that, I really want to know what the gender of baby Turner is going to be and what it will be named😭😭

Vi is precious lol & Fred lifting her is cute. Patrick never lifts Shelagh😂

Aw speaking of my bbys💕💕

So precious it’s almost strange Turner family moment

Why do so many people hate that couch? Like it doesn't bother me or maybe I don't care enough about the background?

Angela has grown so much in a year wow, she looks a lot younger here

lol Shelagh and Patrick are like "um wtf psychology??" 😂

Wait Angela made a noise😂 when will she actually speak??

Haha Shelagh you're going to need new dresses but you don't know yet 😭😂💕 I still can't believe she's having a baby. I Love it.

"You're my world" lol that was so cute but also I still think Tim is too perfect of a child?? what teenager is so pleasant with his parents all the time 😂 plus he's always with them and his baby sister? #givetimalife2k17aka1962

Aww all the cute concluding moments & Vanessa Redgrave saying something profound and we are done.  

[survivorinternational]

Episode 2 - "I couldn't believe I heard God wrong the third time" - Sluggy

Jacob: I have no idea for the video Me: I have an idea Jacob: its shit oh okay... give us a better idea before you shut mine down would you? 

So for the past 2 days ever since we won the reward challenge and got the chance to get a clue to the hidden immunity idol, the info had been passed around among everyone in the tribe that it was on the beach. I was waiting for the next opportunity to search for the idol because I know everyone's gonna go for it, and today I was busy beforehand and couldn't search for it until 4 hours after the challenge. But the first day I came here God told me specifically it was at the beach and in the headlands, it just wasn't on the cliff. So i go there and search and search and i cant find it, and im about to give up... 

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...and something falls on my lap, I open it up and here it is. The hidden immunity idol. I couldn't believe I heard God wrong the third time. HAHA! I'm so grateful for this. After all the Asians having idols in the psst seasons of survivor man. 

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So this sucks but I have to keep this idol as hidden as possible even from my closest allies. It's gonna be a big target on my back and if its possible i dont want to use it all the way until the final time I can use it. So even though Michael and Jacob asked about it, I couldn't tell him and err I don't want to lie anymore so it's definitely tough :( Whatever it is I have to keep humble and continue to stay under the radar. 

This challenge will take a lot of confidence which I completely lack but I will do my best and everything what I am asked to. I am kinda pressuring Vilma into being the director/editor of this since I know she is into stuff like this but I might have put too much pressure. Will try to work something out better in that regard. 

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Ginger's constant bullying of the ghost of Emils will get him into deep shit.

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This challenge has been a real coller coaster for me. I hate filming myself in videos but seeing the confidence Vilma (and others) have is really inspiring. We are doing "Toy" by Netta which is a pretty fun song to lipsync to. I am not the best but I am having fun with it and getting some exercise in the meanwhile. I will still undoubtebly hate any of my bits but at least I have the courage to participate and do my best. 

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About hour of recording myself. I shall not edit it from a cringy mess into a slightly less cringy mess. Wish me luck.

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I do not know if it is because I am slightly slick but I am editing my clips into a more coherent structure and my stomach genuinely hurts from cringe

A week in and I received my 1st message from Dean/Dylan :D how lucky. I also have slightly more newfound time coming up in the next few days so I can spend more time building trust with Tyler, Stephen and Dean/Dylan

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I just saw Tyler's part in the music video. How can 1 man be that hot. Like wtf did he do to get those kinds of genetics. I'm so fucking jealous rn. This confessional will contain no actual substance, just me shit posting about how fuxking AWESTRUCK I am at this man. Go to 2:15 of our music video to see... Damn! 

Right so this day was um interesting. I highly doubt i'll cover all the boring ass t but watevs. Ok SO, we had our first cheeky little game talk with Michael who much to my recent surprise is like 33 years old. pop off grandpa. Love him tho. So we had a fun little chat about who we liked, highkey like Stephan the most but didnt want to say that cause he had already said Stephan seems distant, so i pretended i was chill with other people just to be fun :). ANYWAY, he wants to create a majority with Jacob and Dean but honestly like no, those kids r the REAL crackheads. I want to work with Sluggy and Stephan so it was a tee bit awkie for me. But i smiled and waved anyway cause thats ALL im good at. If Michael was to try and create a majority with those 4 i'd highkey flip 🤭. Dean was just... how to put this... slop, and im not having slop in my house MY APOLOGIES. While planning for the challenge he was annoying and then throughout the challenge he was annoying. OK SO i am NOT mean and this challenge is clearly AWKWARD for everyone and everyone is being out there BUT deans video... like i used two seconds of it. Im sorry my love i dont know how to introduce that pillow possession story line into the video... . I think half way through he needed a nap? and started having night terrors, geez i hope he's ok. RIGHT anyway. I finished the video, i hope my editing and also telling everyone that they're part was really helpful and easily the best will grant me safety regardless! O also Jacob told me the idol clue BUT i dont know whether to believe it or not   :((( so he says its at the beach, im like well what was the actual clue? was it cryptic? then he said 'you inhaled smoke and it was hidden there' wtf u mean THAT was the clue. Absolutely not, get that SLOP out of MY face. RIGHT but i looked at the beach anyway to NO PREVAIL. Michael and Jacob both told me where they looked tho ;) Throwback to last confessional where i didnt think i was making an in roads with people, well i THINK i could be much better off now! Jacob says he only really talks to Stephan which is GOOD because i want Dean out and i thought he was close to dean. Also Jacob starting having game talk to me which was a HOOT because i thought he DIDNT like me. obviously my piercing eyes got the better of him. Im close with Stephan, Jacob, Michael and the singaporian one. OOPS thats all of the tribe but Dean. I've been whip whop wheaving my way through these relationships as best i can and forcing myself onto people without them realising. All i need is 1 or 2 STRONG connections and ill smile :) O also Jacob said i was hot and asked if i was single! LOVELY, amazing LOVE compliments, will use this child if need be but if he's trying to use me, sucks for him because im self conscious and DONT believe his compliments anyway. I THINK im setting myself up in a mildly good position, just gonna be more pal'y. I hope people LIKE me. 

We gave our best but our Basic White Boy music video is totally gonna lose, and I’m taking some responsibility for that too. I knew we should’ve chosen something gayer.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KBaGOCmiwLknXyQoaaeyqZ0isdVOFUV2/view here are my clips :eyes:

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I am not saying I am aiming for it, but I am totally aiming for most confessionals. So fun story here. Whole summer not a single time I was bitten by a mosquito. Then this survivor starts. What is survivor known for? Tropical islands with mosquitos and such. So I was riding my bicycle yesterday and sat on a bench for a bit to rest up. 5 minutes. I sat for 5 minutes on this damn bench. 7 mosquito bites all on my legs, 3-4 split. I was fuming. Apparently that opened the pandora's box of mosquitos because I have been bitten 4 more times since them. I am full of hate. In other news: http://prntscr.com/od5qry This is really nice to see. Vilma's the best <3

----------

I CAN'T STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS OUR VIDEO IS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT

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my life is now a meme 

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oh wait it already was

CURRENTLY FREAKING OUT BECAUSE!!!!!!!!! IM EDITING THE MUSIC VIDEO BUT LIKE I HAVE SUCH LIMITED TIME!!!!! I ALSO HAVE TO BE FORTY FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM MY CURRENT LOCATION IN AN HOUR AND THAT MAKES I ONLY HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES TO EDIT WHICH I DEFINITELY CANNOT FINISH IN TIME. ALSO HAVING HUGE FUCKING PROBLEMS BECAUSE MY OLD METHOD OF DOWNLOADING VIDEOS IS NOT WORKING!!!!!!!!!!! AND IM REALLY FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT LOL SO IM SCREEN RECORDING OUR VIDEOS BUT I ALSO DON'T HAVE THE ACTUAL AUDIO FOR AMERICAN BOY AND IM STRUGGLING TO DOWNLOAD IT I MIGHT NEED TO BUY IT ON MY PHONE LIKE FUCK FJLKDJASLKFAJDSKL THIS IS SO DIFFICULT AND IM TRYING TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF INSTEAD OF WORRYING MY TRIBE MATES BUT OMG WHY I HATE MY LIFE 

I feel so guilty that I didn’t help my tribe with this challenge, I really hope we win! If we don’t win honestly I will probably just tell them all they can vote me off- I hate to go without a fight but they all participated in the video and I feel like it would be the fair thing to do. Hopefully we don’t have to worry about that and my tribe wins!

---------

Me putting my life on the line for my TRIBE? Must be the drugs this is not really in my character but I feel really bad and want them all to thrive

I spent my entire day doing that music video and I'm gonna cry if we lose and go to tribal again ughhhhhhhhhh. I really tried my best and am super proud of my tribe mates too they did a great job. I really like the video.

Yes! Another win for Ala Mai! I'm loving this tribe and loving this game! I want to get to the merge with as many of my tribe mates as possible because we all have very similar timezones so I need that in my game. 

I am so happy we won the challenge ! I offered the Toy idea but then couldn't participate myself because of real life reasons ugh. My tribe tho did an AMAZING JOB and Im glad we chose Netta 

---------

Ok so just now I have realized these are not the during-game published confessionals. So I'm gonna confess: I was so fucking nervous not to be able to participate in the video challenge. I wanted to take part and it's risking eviction if we lose. On the other hand, I kinda knew I would be fine even if we lost. First, I offered the song for the tribe. Second, my alliance with Vilma and Veni is controlling the tribe, I have Clash from the side and we got majority. So I'd probs be fine anyway. Glad we won tho ! 

Uh I’ve been so busy for the past few days I can’t socialise and am very worried 

Day 4: Video editing challenge. This will be fun. Make a music video. Tribe chat is just going in circles with choosing a song. Song is finally chosen, Lonely Dance. Its a strange song, would have prefered something more campy or darker but oh well. I dont have time to do a video edit, i also want to take a back seat of this challenge. Searched for idol, No luck but i now have a good list of where to look narrowed down to 3 locations. Think im going to trust Tyler more. 

http://prntscr.com/odkz7k

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idk if i made a confessional about this but holy shit Lord is in this 

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I realise I spam so many messages to people at once. Shoutout to Vilma for always replying (although slowly) to every single one

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Quiet day today, barely spoke to people. Please no swap.

Well I'm sad to go to tribal this early, but it's probably needed. I didn't like my participation in this challenge but I was really short on time, it sucks but oh well, at least Ruthie told us to vote her and hopefully it isn't a hard vote 

Whew! Thank god we won immunity. I honestly think we tried so hard so it felt nice to be recognised for that (and by we I mean those of us who actually helped out with the challenge......). Vilma worries me a bit. I really like her and she gives off a great energy but I feel like she could use that to lead a big alliance further down the line. I definitely won't be targeting her anytime soon and hopefully I can get in that alliance at some point, but she's someone to keep an eye on.

Hello this round was boring we had shitty judges yet again woo we lost immunity woo now we have to look like bad people and vote ruthie out because shes sacrificing herself woo

WE WON!!!!!! NO TRIBAL!!!!! FUCK YESSSS And the judges were so nice to me I legit almost cried I love everyone ughhhh my heart Music video challenges are so amazing I don't care if what placement I get anymore we made that video and that's all I care about really I hope we're swapping soon! 

Okay so whew I had tribal for this game and I was nommed in a BB game so it's been a busy day today! I thought I might play my idol no matter what tonight, but Ruthie has been going through some stuff and volunteered to be voted out. Unfortunately it is uneventful for the viewers and for the hosts but I hope it is nice and easy and I can save my idol for later. Also, tribe swap anyone? Idk I haven't really clicked with anyone yet...Wow my social game sucks I'm sorry hosts, give me comps I can win, ty.

[cheskalagran]

BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda  dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl��s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful.  U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it  made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it.  everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #7: “david smokes WEED. thats his personality in a nutshell.” - Scott

this merge is TEA!!! like honestly i have no idea what i'm gonna do because i actually have so many things i can do in this merge... like i have the choice of realigning with my old tribe or jumping on the other side with some of the others like.... this is exciting!!

MERGE, MOTHEREFFERSSSS. Man, what a time to be alive. Not only did Danielle and Michael survive their tribal, but the original Mercia has now come into the merge with numbers. Beneficial at first, but eventually they all gotta go, haha.

Right now, I'm sitting pretty with two major alliances, both of them have Felix in them as well. The one with Danielle and Michael and the one with Ahrre. Combining these two alliances will be beneficial to me, as well as continuing my social connections with Mo and Tobi. Tobi is a target for me, cuz I know how well liked he can be, so I have to get him before he gets me.

As far as this first immunity challenge, I wanna win to make a statement. I wanna show everyone that I am a fierce competitor in all aspects of the game. And as far as the vote goes, I'm hoping we can get an original Sweyn out. Don't know who yet, but we will have to see based on these challenge results.

Merged? This early WHAT. (Malik was fukin robbed)

Lowkey am nervous, while I dont want to play tribal lines as I think thats boring. I dont want to assume it wont happen. Im in the minority tribe so its something I have to be cautious of. I have to try to branch out to new people and start something soon to put myself into a powerful positon.

Ryan, Jones and Tobi are all good with me from my old tribe. So is Scott from the first tribe. I think this could easily work aswell, as I think Scott is close to ryan and tobi, and maybe if im not mistaken Jones aswell. So this is an easy platform to start from.

However if im honest. I dont think im anyones 1st choice in that allaince. Malik was the only person I knew they had my back. So im going to try to play the line of being inbetween for the first couple of rounds so i can get a solid footing.

WOOO, I MADE THE MERGE. This is the best thing bc now i have options now and im not limited. It seems that it will devolve into a tribal game which i dont want to happen but ill just go with the flow.

okay so hi we MERGED! WHICH WAS MY BIGGEST FUCKING WORRY BC its 7-5 mercia-sweyn now.. and missus david already trying to get mercia to stick together on og lines 24 hrs in.. LMAOOO. like when has that ever fucking worked out saying that dumbass.

like the tea is.. nobody on sweyn is close to wes so its basically 8-4. but i have tobi + michael to make it 6-6.. and im working on mo/ahrre rn just so that they wouldn't personally vote me bc i need to limit the targets so if we need to use ryans idol we can lol.

i still dk how to feel ab dani tho. i feel as if she could play both sides really effectively and thats scary af.. it's just tellin people what they wanna hear to prove im with them and getting them to keep quiet hehe LAMFJNHFBFG

david/wes are the primary targets to go first for me tho. and hopefully i win immunity so my ass aint grass lol

Ayee it's mergeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So malik is dead and I'm back with all the lads from my og tribe, and I've been getting to know the guys from the other tribe. So scott flipped on Malik last week because it seems that Michael is close to him. Michael already told me David is all about keeping things Mercia strong and he's not feeling it that much, as for me I have no reason to target anyone so I'm gonna lay back and keep my options open.

Unfortunately the I couldn't find the Mercia idol so someone else probably has it I think. However my alliance with Felix and David is still pretty useful because now we're working on getting the merge idol, hopefully we'll get there before anyone else.

As far as the challenge goes the wikipedia search is always fun but I won't try superhard, it might be risky but I would rather be vulnerable these first couple votes instead of making myself a challenge threat.

Oh also the name of the tribe is Kirby, the best smash brothers character, so that's nice

david smokes WEED. thats his personality in a nutshell. cant wait 4 him to leave.

we merged <3__<3 i'm happy. i'm not playing a good game at the moment but i'm here bitch. i'm seemingly in a minority 7 to 5 based on og tribes but i'm not sure if that's strict or not. Scott told me Michael told him that David said he wants og Mercia to stick together... but why would Michael say this to Scott lol idk. I think there are cracks but I'm not going out of my way to find them right now....

also right when we merged, Scott mentioned to me that Jones told him the idol was found... which is funny lol she ran right to him at merge, and has never mentioned idol searching to me. Not surprised or suspicious at all, but noteworthy

omfg you know what's weird.... right after i sent the last confessional i get a pm from Jones and she just brought up how she knows the idol is gonefkadhfasd is she psychic

Hiiii, okay so didn't come close to winning immunity, LOL. But honestly that's actually okay with me. People will probably start to see me less as a physical threat.

Right now, Michael and I are working towards getting Wes out, and then Mo next. Tribe lines are still very much there at least from my perspective, which is better for me cuz I'll always have many options on who to take out.

I have a lot to talk about so I'm just gonna write a whole ass ESSAY IN THIS BITCH (something minor but cute) I CAME UP WITH THE TRIBE NAME!! It's perfect since the color scheme is pink, it's "Kirby Muxloe Castle", AND Kirby is just a pleasant video game character?? I loved it, the tribe loved it, and even if they didn't, AJ picked it anyway! SOOOOO,, life is swell in this chilis tonight,, RN everyone on the merge tribe seems p chill! I've talked with mostly all of them, so I feel like I can give my opinions? I adore Mo and Michael since they're my irl friends obviously,, but I'd love to actually work with them in game more yk? I've only said hi to Felix, but he seems nice. David is a comp threat and apparently he's already thinking about staying Mercia strong like,,,ok bud. Dani seems like a mess btw - A FUN MESS, but we told her twice that the immunity challenge was out and she was still like ????? oh wow???? she seems neat though. ALSO I LOST IMMUNITY. BY A FUCKING LOT. seriously how the fuck does someone get 3 for each wiki link like ???? I'm convinced Rhys is a wizard. Thank god one of my allies is a wizard. Scooty tried making me feel better by telling me I did better than the abstainers like :^) thanks king! um but yeah, it seems like right now the name everyone's throwing out is Wes and I'm totally fine with that - wes hasn't talked to me since we got back together and has proven that he's a challenge threat yk? so yeah, that's my life rn, I'll probably spam the hosts with more confessionals in a few minutes so you're welcome <3

Ok so I just got off a call with Felix and it seems that everyone is voting for Wes which I’m fine with because it isn’t me. BUT. David was the one who threw Wes’s name out to begin with and as we’ve known previously David dropped my name first the round Jose was eliminated and David also immediately threw my name out to Felix during the puzzle round like “If we go home because of Mo we’re voting him out” meanwhile we were on a team with Wes, him being the only person from another tribe on the second Mercia so we know he’s not loyal. So my concern is that next round unless I’m immune, my name will be the first name he drops. I don’t want that and neither does Felix. So Felix is going to talk to some people about voting David out next round and I’m going to talk to Jones about it. I’m close friends with Jones and I know she won’t talk about our conversation to anyone. So if the plan backfires and someone tells David that we’re trying to backdoor him. They’ll tell him that it was Felix who dropped his name thus he’ll probably want him gone over me. I know that’s shady of me but I’m still allied with him and I wouldn’t betray him but it’s more of a last resort plan ahead of time if that makes sense.

i've been quiet for the first few days of merge and just letting people come to my pm's and chatting with them and i think it;s working out rly well for me, i'm laying low and don't think i'm a target... apparently Wes is the prominent plan going around and i haven't heard anything else. Felix messaged me for the first time and we talked for a lil and then he realized who I really was and that was funny fsdjkf. Then he brought up how he thinks David is arrogant and a threat, and how he's preaching to keep Mercia strong.. and he wants to blindside him next round after Wes leaves. wig? i'm down sis lmfao. He was like "I have Mo, who you got?" and i mean idk why my 3 other ppl from Sweyn wouldn't go for that as well, so bam.

but i'm not gonna run to everyone and start initiating that shit bc it aint necessary. i did mention it to Jones on the sly though just bc we were chatting anyway and idk it doesn't hurt to share some tea sometimes lol.

so tribal is Looming. uhm. as far as i know wes is the target by like EVERYONE lmaoo i thought mercia 2.0 was gunna keep him around but nope.. little do they know OG sweyn dont give a shit ab him

and then missus felix goin around saying david is next after wes? bold move cotton lets see if it pays off lol liek we aint even done with this tribal.. and his ass is def gunna overplay doin it WATCH

luckily for me i have michael tellin me everythn.. i have jones who trusts me and we are gunna work with mo.. ryan rhys and tobi all love me. thats at least 6 ppl who have my back so thats 7 votes on my side so.. im kinda untouchable atm and if anyone tried to come for me id know LANDKDNG

ig my hitlist rn is wes > david > dani > felix tbh but thats just tea

These birches. They tried to beat me. But this bitch outsold. I won immunity. Lowkey only tried to win it cause I thought there was a reward and there wasn’t whoops. I also probably only won because I knew what to look for in the challenge cause I’m English.

Anyway this tribal is kinda boring. Like I woke up to the plan being solid and set, on Wes. Which worries me, if this is reoccurring that the plan is sorted when I’m asleep I’m gonna be a goat. This can’t happen.

So I’m told Wes is this vote and next vote is David. Which I’m happy about. As Wes is a goat it seems due to his terrible social game. Which if he stays he would be used as a space which makes it harder for me to stay and set up a winning game. David is someone who probably wouldn’t work with me, so that benefits me him being gone. However i need to make sure I’m 100% safe this next round and the one after. So I need to work on my connections outside people I knew before merge and make an alliance.

Im VERY nervous about this vote i havent been as active as Id like this round so I could be in HUgE trouble let me talk to people and figure out how screwed I am

Working together is for sure the smartest option just to get that damned idol two heads are after all better than one so me and Scott are gonna have that idol. To me the vote is pretty clearly on Wes I’ve heard no opposition and I can’t see anything changing in 3 hours but I’m gonna keep an eye out because who know what will happen.

uhm so. mercia stayin silent in my dms. gr8. :)

im always nerv that im gunna be blindsided but its impossible rn i think ? bc ryan/rhys/jones dont vote me.. tobi wouldnt.. and michael wouldnt.. so itd be 6-6 at best if it was to come down to it. and i feel as if id hear it by now LAMFHNBG

idk i just hate these mercia ppl.. theyre so dry n awful. can og sweyn - wes just be the f4 pls?

Ok so I MERGED and i was so shook because it happened all so fast. This game is flying by for me. I had to abstain from the challenge because I was still on vacation. I’m trying the best I can to stay active and shit but I’m finally home. Wes is gonna be an easy vote this week since everyone says he isnt active and shit LMFAO  

Wes is voted out 10-1-1.

[burntflorets]

things i want to say to you if we were still talking: day 4

7 april 2017 3:55am i can’t help but feel like you don’t give a shit about us anymore. idk. i texted u last night about the adex thing, even though u didn’t have mine u were just being helpful. by searching and all. idk i just can’t help but feel u don’t give a shit about us anymore. is your decision really no? is your decision really for us to go our separate ways? did u really give up on me?

4:17am i find myself alternating between moments of being needy or indifferent to you. i think i’m getting bipolar.

help

. idk what to feel anymore. what’s wrong with me. why am i feeling this way??

4:28am i thought i heard someone fall and my door opening wtf i got so scared. i looked out of the covers and didn’t see anything but i’m still fucking scared. ugh i hate it when i hear something in the middle of the night. holy shit it makes me paranoid. i wish u we’re here with me now.

7:43am i dreamt of u again. i couldn’t remember much, but we were happy

9:53am some days i feel nothing at all, some days i feel everything a little harder. and today’s one of those days.  let me slip into a coma and wake up when all these is over.

some vs guy called me over to assist bc he thought the tulips were all falling over and he said they looked like they were in bad condition. so i went over to see what he was on about. LOL there was nothing wrong with the plants and bc they were so tall, they were just flopping over. i guess he thought they were dying or broken and was hoping that i could cut some off and he could take some home. sorz dude. they just look like that. 

the tall flopping tulips reminded me of u being so tall that u started hunching over. and i teared up again.  yesterday i felt nothing at all, i felt fine. i thought i was slowy getting better. i was wrong. im feeling everything today. everything is rushing back to me so fast and hard i cant hold back my tears. idk. i need u even more today. but i don’t think u feel like you need me anymore.

12:31pm we went to marina sq to eat. we passed by the carls junior that we ate on the day u POP. idk why i felt even more depressed like i just felt super empty suddenly. now while waiting for the rest to draw money, we went into the korean shop, and the first thing i saw was your fav onion rings that i promised i would buy for u if i chanced upon it. i took it without thinking and then only realized that i won’t be seeing you anytime soon when i was going to pay at the counter. i was trying so hard to keep my tears in bc everyone was with me. idk i feel terrible.

2:59pm holy shit this visitor had a gopro hero 5 and WTF HE SAID GO PRO TAKE A PICTURE AND IT RLLY DID. IT HAS VOICE RECOGNITION WTF COOL BEANS. omg is that why u wanted a gopro hero 5???

5:30pm tho bought magkoli and it didn’t taste as nice as i thought it would. we drank a little in office and everyone didn’t rlly like it. and tho asked me to ta it and finish the whole bottle. honestly, if it tasted better i would have. bc i think i really need a drink rn. i’ve been feeling super shitty today. everyone asked about u. everything reminded me of u. i miss u so much.

8pm the urge to drink is real. i need a strong drink to knock me out so i wouldn’t have to deal with my late night thoughts. i bought rice beer from cheers. i would prefer vodka or breezes or sth but i would need more than 10 bottles of that to make me drunk. the rice beer was the only one which had the largest amount but q low alcohol level. oh wells i guess it works. as long as there is alcohol in my system i guess i can cope. i can’t wait for my parents cell group to leave before i can go down and drink. times like this, i wish i still had our soju and beer in my fridge, then i would be q drunk i think. idk. i wished i was drinking and smoking with you instead of alone. even though i love being alone, i would still prefer your company over being alone, even in silence.

8:45pm saw this on snapchat

How To Know If You Have Found Your Soul Mate

1. An Inner Knowing

Call it love at first sight or just a moment of intuition, a lot of people know when they have found “the one”.

If you feel comfortable, energized and intimate with someone even though you’ve only just met them, there’s a good chance the r/s will go the distance.

2. Mutual Respect

R/s often fall apart when the two people try to change each other.

Soul mates, however, accept one another (flaws and all) and when they step back see a partner they are very proud to be with.

They don’t want to change each other, so they tend to be less critical of each other, even when they disagree. they want to be the best partner possible to support the person that you are.

3. Being On The Same Page When It Matters

Soul mates don’t agree on everything. However, when it comes to the most important things in life like your values, goals, core beliefs and priorities, you are totally on the same page.

Soul mates tend to see the world through the same lens which makes their connection so much deeper because they understand one another.

4. Support And Nurture Each Other Soul mates celebrate each other’s success and help each other when the going gets tough. Soul mates are always rooting for each other and are proud to support their partner in everything they do.

Soul mates can help support you to great heights of personal and professional success.

5. Best Friends Forever

Soul mates just “get” each other. They can understand each other on a very deep level, even if they’ve only known each other for a short amount of time.

if you find someone who very quickly becomes your number one support, your partner in crime, and the first person you text when you have good or bad news, there’s a good chance that you’ve met your soul mate.

6. A Shared Version For The Future You share the same key values and what the same sort of things out of life, otherwise resentments grow and the r/s begins to sour.

To share a life that you both love, you first have to agree on what life will look like.

7. You Challenge Each Other

This can be challenging, because it will mean that the two of you are often encouraging one another to move out of your comfort zones.

The unique combination of challenges and support provided by a soul mate is a major catalyst for personal growth - and in the future, you’re sure to be grateful to each other for all the encouragement.

8. Sex Is Mind Blowing

Because they have such deep connection, sex between soul mates is destined to be unlike anything has either of them has ever experienced.

Soul mates profound love for each other combined with their ability to be honest and vulnerable creates a level of sexual chemistry that is off the charts.

9. You Both Fight To Make Your R/S Work

No matter how deep your connection, soul mates will inevitably run into bumps in the road - whether it be difficulties with family members, illnesses or financial troubles.

True soul mates find ways to fight together in order to make things better, because you’ll both want the r/s to survive more than you’ll want to defend your own egos.

10. You Feel Comfortable

You feel so comfortable around each other from the start. Even in the emotional whirlwind of falling in love. soul mates will find that they’ve never felt more secure in opening up to someone and showing their true self.

Soul mates delight in each other’s little quirks and feel great empathy for each other’s flaws and vulnerability.

11. You Can Spend Time Apart

Soul mates are able to strike the right balance between time together and time apart. they trust each other and still feel close when they are doing separate things, rather than being consumed with jealousy or anxiety.

They are able to let each other do what’s best for their individual lives yet at the same time also know that you’re happiest and more fulfilled when you’re enjoying quality time as a couple.

even though we do majority of wtv that has been said here, there are some things we still have to improve on. and i am willing to work on that with you. as long as you are willing to continue working on us with me

11:19 high but not enough to text you or call you. i miss u i wish u we’re here with me rn. i always associate the feeling of being high and drunk with you bc you’re the person i always drink with. and maybe bc of us always coming back to my place to have drunk sex after clubbing in the past. i just want to feel your skin against mine. i just want to feel your body heat against me. i just want to feel your arms around me. i just want to be taken care of by you like in the past when i'm high and drunk.

idk i'm tired. i miss u. i need u here in bed with me rn.