#i cant make an expression even if i tried
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masterjedilenawrites · 24 hours ago
Note
Hi!!! I listening to the Florence and the Machine song “girl with one eye” and it got me in a super angsty mood, and I had this idea that what if reader saves Rex from being tortured like a heroine and does the dramatic bridal carry and everything, instead of the usual reader being saved like a lot of fics end up writing in terms of super angst (absolutely no hate, I love those too) I just think it would be nice to see the reader being extremely capable!
You obviously do not have to write anything like this, I just had the idea and you are by far one of my favorite writers (my dyslexic ass cant write for shit)
Anyways, hope you have a wonderful day!
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Saving Rex
Rex x reader | 4.4k words
Content: torture (not shown but discussed), injuries, general angst, reader with some physical strength/stamina, friends to lovers, hope and love prevail
Note: I'd really like to believe I could carry Rex down a flight of stairs if I needed to. Maybe I'll use that for motivation during my next workout 😝 (Also this got really emotional in some places, please don't hate me)
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To say you were panicking was an understatement. Rex had never been this late to a rendezvous. And with comms jammed, there weren't many options to figure out what could be keeping him. It was one of your only nightmares coming true. Something happening to that noble, wonderful man you called a friend.
You paced restlessly between the walls of the bunker, an eye on the door at all times. Any noise, any howl of the wind or scrape of someone's boot on the concrete floor, made you twitch in alarm. You had never experienced the seconds ticking by so slowly. Kriff, where was he?
"You should get some rest."
While you watched the door, Anakin watched you. Normally he would tease over any emotion you showed for his Captain; no matter how much you tried to keep such feelings under wraps, the Jedi always seemed to sense the truth anyway. But now he put jokes aside and did what he could to quell your anxieties.
You only shook your head in response and continued your pacing.
Anakin sighed and fell back in his chair. The other men in the bunker were anxious, too. Even if he couldn't feel it, he could see it all around. Bouncing knees. Fiddling with random objects. Untouched food and unspoken words. No one was going to sleep, even though everyone needed it. It was going to be a long night. Unless Rex found his way back.
Anakin could admit he was worried for the clone, too. They had fought alongside each other for so long now, it didn't seem possible that there'd be a day where one of them was no longer standing. But what he couldn't admit, at least not to anyone else, was that he had a very bad feeling this time. He kept trying to reach out in the Force, find some trace of his comrade out there, and he kept coming back with an even worse feeling than before.
A sudden sound at the door caused everyone to sit up, tense and hopeful. Three knocks with a very specific rhythm. Someone from your team. You could barely breathe as you waited for Anakin to open the door.
Ahsoka hurried through, along with a gust of wind that fluttered some of the more lightweight objects around the room. Anakin quickly shut it behind her. You'd almost forgotten she had been out, too. Gone to look for Rex, help him get back. But she hadn't brought anyone back with her. Now you really couldn't breathe.
"What'd you find?" asked Anakin, noting the urgent expression on the young girl's face.
"They've taken him to the fortress across the south bridge. I followed a... trail," she quickly glanced over at you, omitting what the trail was composed of for your sake, though you could make an educated guess if you had to. "They have him in a tower. I couldn't get eyes on him, but... Well, I could hear him."
Her face screwed up in distress at the memory and everyone in the room knew exactly what she meant.
"Any way we can carry out an extraction?" asked Anakin.
"If not now, then when?" You marched forward, determined and resolute. You could breathe again, though just barely. "Nighttime. Storm. Now is the only time."
Anakin still looked to his padawan for confirmation. She'd seen the fortress and would know whether it was a risk worth taking, even for someone as dear to them as Rex.
To your satisfaction, Ahsoka didn't hesitate to nod quickly. "That's why I hurried back as fast as I could. I couldn't get to him on my own, but with a small team...."
"It'll have to be really small. We can't risk blowing our cover here," Anakin agreed and finally uncrossed his arms. He hadn't realized how tense he'd been holding himself this whole time. But now there was some hope, and all that was needed to reach it was a bit of daring action. Something he was never in short supply of, and something hew knew Rex wouldn't hesitate to do for him if the roles were reversed.
"You, me," you motioned to yourself and Anakin. "Ahsoka can keep guard here."
"And me," came a clone's voice by your side. All of them were intently listening to the conversation, and while any one of them would have been eager to volunteer to save their Captain, one knew he was needed more than any other. Kix.
"There may not be time to administer first aid on sight," Anakin cautioned.
Kix puffed himself up a bit. "I'll do what I can. You two focus on getting us out without a fuss."
Anakin smirked and you cast him a grateful smile of your own. This was not an ideal outcome, learning that Rex was in distress. But at least he wasn't dead yet, and you could work with that. Now his fate was in your hands. And with a burning fire in your heart, you knew you would save him.
- - -
Rex waited until the echoing of their footsteps was gone before allowing himself to collapse. His knees hit cold stone but the jolt was barely felt amongst the rest of the pain radiating throughout his body. He curled in on himself, arms gently folding around the worst of the injuries in his middle, and his head hung low in exhaustion.
He wasn't sure how much more he could take of this. He hated the thought, but it was true. An entire day of torment and torture, relentless and unforgiving. Even with all his training, this situation was proving difficult to bear.
There was only one thing keeping him alive, he was sure of it. You. The memories of your smile, your laughter, all the lovely things you somehow said at just the right times. The thought of you continuing on without ever knowing how he felt. You were strong and capable in your own right, but he still wanted to be there for you. To protect you. To love you.
Gods, how he loved you.
He couldn't be broken in this place. No, not before seeing you one more time. He would give you his heart, and then he could finally let go.
- - -
Your feet thunked against each step of the spiraling stone stairs. Anakin's and Kix's were not far behind. Only a few guards and droids had had to be taken care of thus far, done swiftly and discretely by the two soldiers while you focused on navigating through the labyrinth of the fortress to the tower that held Rex. But as soon as you'd reached the door leading upward, Anakin had voiced his unease. Worse was coming, he insisted. And if they proceeded, they'd be just as trapped in that tower as their Captain was.
You pushed forward without a second thought.
And they reluctantly followed.
You weren't dumb. You knew it was foolish to rush into an enemy's territory with no plan and no backup. You knew you could be condemning Rex with your impulsive actions rather than saving him. But somehow, those sensible thoughts were overwhelmed by a deep and desperate need to find him at any cost. If you could just see him, then everything would be okay.
Thunk, thunk, thunk. One step and then another and another. Your lungs heaved and your thighs burned but you kept climbing. You weren't sensitive to the Force, but you swear you could feel yourself getting closer to him.
The sudden sound of a lightsaber igniting behind you finally gave you pause. You stumbled on the next step as you slowed and turned. Anakin had stopped several steps below and was staring downward, waiting for something.
"What is it, sir?" Kix huffed beside him.
Anakin only held up a finger as if he were trying to listen. You were panting, too, and tried to hold in a breath so you could hear whatever he could. There was only the hum of a lightsaber and the wailing of the wind from the other side of stone walls.
And then suddenly there was pounding. The whole tower seemed to shake with the thunderous footsteps of soldiers making their way upward, blocking your only way back out. Anakin jerked his head toward you.
"Go. Find him. I'll push them back."
As Anakin rushed downward, Kix wavered in between. Rex would need his aid, but his aid would be worthless if they couldn't escape. He finally looked back at you, too.
"You've got this," he stated before raising his blaster and following General Skywalker.
You resumed your trek upward, your attention slipping back to its previous singular focus of finding Rex. Of seeing him again. Alive.
You finally reached the top of the tower and were met with a simple wooden door. Again, you knew you should slow down and think through a strategy. What if there were guards on the other side? What if their blades slipped because you startled them? But you couldn't help yourself. You'd come too far to not burst right through.
There were no guards. There were no blades. But there was, thankfully, distressingly, Rex.
He was slumped against the far wall. Motionless. You crossed the room with a few bounding strides and gently pulled him away from the wall.
You'd anticipated him being in bad shape, but not to this extent. His armor was stripped and the tattered clothes they had him in instead did nothing to hide his condition. Bruises along his arms. A sickly pallor to his skin. Dark circles beneath his eyes and cracks along his lips. His head swung toward you listlessly as you turned him. You quickly positioned his body against yours and your hand cradled his head in support.
"Rex," you coaxed, willing your voice to remain strong. Panic wouldn't help him like this. "Rex, it's okay. We're going to get you out of here. Okay?"
His eyelids fluttered but couldn't seem to stay open. He did turn toward your voice, and through a series of near-unintelligible mutters, you managed to make out your name.
"Yes," you smiled, moving your hand to cup the side of his head so you could run a soothing thumb along his cheek. "Yes, it's me. I'm here. I've got you. You're okay now."
He shifted his arms, and at first you thought he was ready to try standing. You made to move, too, but then noticed he was doing something else. He held his hand over his chest, on the side of his heart. And then slowly, his other hand reached out to rest onto your chest.
You shook your head at him, not understanding. Was he hurt there? Did they do something to his heart?
Then Rex's worn face contorted into what could only be a smile. A small but serene smile, like he'd finally found peace. The smile slowly slipped away and his body started to feel heavier in your arms.
Now you couldn't keep the panic at bay. It came out in full force, along with tears and desperate squeezing. 
"No no no. Rex. Wake up, Rex. Please. You can rest soon but we have to leave first. Okay? We have to go now. Please."
You didn't know what to do beyond pleading and shaking him. He couldn't slip away now, not when you'd just gotten here. A part of you had hoped that maybe, just by seeing you, his spirits would lift. That you would be that little kickstart to his heart that'd help him keep going. But sadly, it seemed your fantasies of him returning your affections were only that. In reality, you could have been anybody coming to his rescue, and you'd be too late either way.
No. You shook yourself now. No, it didn't matter how he felt or didn't feel. You loved him. That fire in your heart was still burning, and you were going to get him out of here alive.
You carefully but swiftly got your legs back under you, still keeping Rex's body supported as you maneuvered each other into the right position. You weren't a soldier. You didn't have the same build as the clones. But damn if you weren't just as determined and capable. So with a deep, steadying breath, you heaved his body across your back. One of your arms wrapped around his closest leg, keeping it tight against your side as you reached across to grab at his arm. He was heavy, but secure, and you knew you could carry him this way for as long as it'd take to escape. And as an added bonus, you'd heard a soft grunt from him as he'd bent over your shoulders. He was still alive.
You wasted no time standing around with the extra weight. You were back out the door and heading down the stairs faster than you could register. One hand running along the wall for balance and the other firmly grasped on Rex's forearm. Your thighs had done the most work to get you up the stairs; now it was your knees taking the brunt of effort going down. In your mind you alternated between prayers for your joints and prayers for Rex's life.
The sounds of your steps were drowned by the reverberating sounds of combat. The echoes made it hard to tell their distance away as you continued your descent. You braced yourself for the inevitable, feeling more and more grateful the further you went without sight of any blaster fire. You estimated only a quarter of the way left by the time you met some of the carnage on the stairs. Sizzling metal and blaster marks on the walls. It was another several of floors of picking your way between it all before you then came across Kix and Anakin. They'd made good progress pushing the onslaught back.
You hovered just beyond their reach so as to keep Rex away from the crossfire. Anakin's lightsaber did most of the work to keep the enemy at a distance, though occasionally a shot would ricochet onto the wall by your head. But slowly and surely, you were all able to make it down to the next step. Lower and lower. Closer and closer to the end.
Eventually Kix was able to pause in his help and scurry up to check on Rex. He nodded at you when he confirmed a pulse but was just as unsuccessful as you in his efforts to get the Captain to wake.
"Dehydration, possible blood loss from these wounds here," the medic chattered, more to himself than anyone, as he dug through his pack. He tore open a bacta patch and slapped it across an oozing mess of scabs on Rex's shoulder and then handed you a stim while he continued to rummage.
You jabbed the stim into the back of Rex's thigh, thrilled that you managed to elicit another groan from him. Any sign of life was a good one at this point.
"Need me to take over?" Kix asked once he'd found a breathing mask and stood back up. You shook your head, already heading back down the stairs. Anakin had managed to get through a good amount more of the droids. Kix shrugged and then rushed ahead to continue laying down blaster fire.
The fight to escape took far longer than anyone would have wanted. Even once you'd made it out of the stuffy tower, there was the maze of hallways to run back through, and more enemies to fight along the way. All hopes of a stealthy rescue were long gone. It made you nervous, wondering if you'd be able to make it out at all, at this point. The further you moved into the open, the harder it was to keep fighting. If you were lucky enough to make it outside the fortress of droids, then you'd be surrounded by a storm. You were but a Jedi, a medic, and a civilian staff member carrying a near-unconscious soldier. The path forward was looking rather grim.
You eventually got yourselves into what seemed to be a supply closet. You knew there was a service door leading outside down one end of the hall, and the front entrance to the fortress itself was only around another corner as well. But you were flanked by droids on either side. Anakin kept the door to the closet open so he could continue to pick off the droids, while you were finally able to take a break from carrying Rex as Kix more properly tended to some of his injuries.
"How's he looking?" Anakin asked over his shoulder. He wasn't sure what he wanted the answer to be. He was glad Rex was alive, but they were all running out of options. From his estimates, they'd either need to surrender and think through a better escape plan later, or barrel forward with a Hail Mary and hope for the best. Either option would be difficult with Rex in this state. If he was getting worse... if he wasn't going to make it... Anakin shuddered at the thought of having to make that call.
Kix didn't immediately answer. He'd removed the breathing mask which seemed to have sparked some energy back into Rex. He was groaning and huffing, clutching at his midsection and rolling his head back and forth restlessly. Kix tried getting his attention but the Captain only continued to fidget and groan.
"Was he like this when you found him?" Kix asked you.
"No, he was quieter. He knew who I was, though."
Kix motioned for you to come closer. "See if he'll respond to you again."
"Rex." You quickly saddled up by his side, ignoring the pain in your back and legs from crouching. "Rex, look at me. It's okay. Just breathe. You'll be okay."
Surprisingly, your voice seemed to work. Rex stilled, turning his head toward the sound. That weird little smile crept back on his face.
"Rex?"
He responded with your name, small and rasping, but clear all the same. You couldn't help but smile in return.
"Oh good, you are awake enough."
With lightning speed, Kix was back in view with a vial of... something. He tipped it into Rex's mouth and held his hand over to keep the Captain from spitting it back out. Rex sputtered and writhed against Kix's hand but eventually swallowed the liquid down with a hard, painful gulp. Rex's eyes had shot open in the process. They were red, but alert.
"It's okay," you tried soothing again. Rex relaxed against the wall he was propped against and locked his eyes with yours.
"You... came... for me?" he croaked out.
You nodded. For a second, you could have sworn tears were brimming in Rex's eyes. Maybe it was only the medicine.
"Hate to ruin the moment," Anakin called back out. The blaster fire from the hall had grown louder, closer. "But we're out of time here. Kix, anything in this closet we can fashion into a grenade?"
The medic scrambled up to look amongst the shelves.
"Rex, you able to stand? I need you both shooting blasters if you can manage it."
"I will try."
Rex was already trying to push himself off the wall. You wrapped an arm around his back and help hoist him up. His legs shook wildly from the sudden weight. You kept him leaning against you, one arm over your shoulder.
"It's okay, I've got you."
Rex smiled down at you, far too softly for what the situation allowed. You held his gaze with surprise.
Kix was pouring random bottles into each other, hoping they'd make the desired effect. Anakin was cursing as the droids drew nearer. Rex seemed to be trying to tell you something with his eyes. And just when you were about to suggest looking into the air vent situation of this place, there came a large and reverberating kaboom.
You all froze. Including the droids, who then appeared to have been given new orders as they neatly turned in the opposite direction and marched away. Something had happened by the entrance. After a few moments, you could hear their blasters firing again, along with the sounds of other weapons. Familiar weapons. Anakin grinned.
"Obi-Wan," he said before running after them.
You could've cried. Instead, you looked back up at Rex and smiled.
"Ready to go home?"
- - -
You hadn't left Rex's side for a second, much to Kix's chagrin. It was that much harder to heal a battered brother with a stubborn civvy sitting in the way. But, despite his many grumbling complaints, he still let you stay. He knew your heart. And Rex's. It'd be best for both of you to keep close, until you knew each other's.
Though when Rex did wake, you could barely get out one tearfully happy hello before seemingly everyone else on base came to his side, too.
"Thank the gods you're alive!"
"Glad you're okay, brother."
"Good to have you back."
"Can't keep a good man down."
Rex appreciated their words, he really did. He tried not to notice how silent you'd fallen amongst them. It was your words he wanted to hear most.
"How did we get out of there?" he instead asked Anakin. He remembered waking in a dark room, Kix shoving something down his throat, your voice as you sweetly called his name. Beyond that was a blur. He was pretty sure he'd passed out once he tried walking.
"I kept think about the storm," Ahsoka was the one to answer instead. "And how it would give them cover getting to the fortress. And then I thought if they happened to get caught, that'd provide just enough distraction for us to start with a good attack."
"And by us, she of course means the 212th," smirked Cody. Obi-Wan was busy sending word back to Coruscant on the mission, though they all owed it to the Jedi's decision to go looking for General Skywalker and the missing 501st. Without the added reinforcements, Ahsoka's plan wouldn't have stood a chance.
"We're just really glad you're alive, Rex," Ahsoka said softly.
"Yeah, we don't know what we would have done without you," said Anakin, though he was looking toward you as he said it. Everyone else followed his gaze, causing you to blush at the sudden attention.
"They carried you the whole way, you know," Anakin added, now directed toward Rex.
Rex's eyes grew wide, impressed.
"Don't you remember?" prompted Kix.
"I... remember you finding me," Rex told you. "In that cell. I remember feeling hope again."
Your ears were still hot from Anakin's obvious insinuations of your feelings, and now everyone was giving each other looks at Rex's words. You decided to deflect with some humor.
"Right before you tried to cop a feel," you smirked.
That did the trick. A chorus of salacious oohs and laughter rang through the rank of clones gathered. Fives went up and clapped Rex's shoulder, his bad one. Rex's wincing caused Kix to hastily shoo away Fives and everyone else making a ruckus. You remained, noticing that through it all, Rex had a blush rivaling your own.
"I... I didn't..." he stammered once most of his visitors had disappeared. Anakin gave you one last look before then coaxing Ahsoka to leave as well.
"It's okay," you reassured. "You were out of it."
"No, I wasn't, I... I was..." Rex huffed. He was having a hard time finding the right words. "Never mind, it's silly."
He fell back against the pillows with a sigh. You scooted your stool forward and rested your hands on the bedside.
"Please tell me, Rex. I feel like you've been trying to tell me something ever since I found you. But I was so focused on trying to keep you alive, I didn't understand. I'm sorry."
Rex smiled back at you, encouraged. "It's alright. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I would make it out alive. But I... well... I didn't want to let go without..." He paused, embarrassed again. This was going to sound ridiculous if you didn't feel the same.
"Without...?"
"Without giving you my heart first."
He looked at you hesitantly to find your lips had parted in surprise.
"I know. It was a silly thought--"
"No," you breathed. Your hands now slid from the blanket onto his. The memory of him in your arms, beaten and bruised, using what strength he had left to gesture between his heart and yours... you wished you'd understood then. You'd thought he hadn't cared for you in that way at all.
Rex's eyes watered along with yours as your hands clasped together and a newfound understanding settled in between.
"You can't ever disappear on me like that again," you said with a wobble in your voice. "Anakin's right, I don't know what I would have done without you. I... I love you too much to even think of it."
Rex brought your hands up to meet his lips. He kissed your knuckles softly.
"I love you, too. And... I think I'm going to need to reconsider some things, knowing that you love me back."
He gazed over your clasped hands and met the eyes of Anakin, on the other side of the medbay looking in on the other patients. He wasn't the only injured soldier from the mission. General Skywalker was a good man for checking on them, just as he would do once he could stand on his own feet again. The look he now shared with the Jedi was one of agreement. A lot had changed from this mission, and a lot would need to still change. Love, sometimes, took priority even in war. Anakin knew that better than most.
"I don't want you to--" you started to say as realization dawned. But Rex quickly shook his head.
"We have time to discuss it. Right now, just let me hold you."
You didn't need to be asked twice. Helping him carefully scoot over, you then slipped under the hospital blanket and tucked yourself in at his side. It felt right, like where you were always meant to be.
Your worst nightmare had played out in a harrowing day of panic and fear. And now your greatest dream was nestled at your side, safe and sound and alive. It had been a frightening price to pay, one you hoped you'd never have to spend again, but the heart you now held was surely a worthy reward.
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t4lon · 1 day ago
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I agree that Littles Aren't Children is reductive for the same reason fictives arent their sources is, but even in your response you express ways in which littles Aren't physical children. Spaces for littles are still Different from spaces for children in the context of your response (even the ones who Are children), unless you're implying littles need access to spaces intended solely intended for children (which it doesn't seem you are). This all makes sense bc they aren't the same thing
Not to say these parts cant be children, its just that "child" the identity label =/= "child" the word that means human being who has chronologically lived <18 years (give or take) in the physical shared reality, which is part of what i think the problem is here; these are functionally Two words at this point. it's less of a problem w the word fictive, bc the word fictive has literally Never had a definition outside the colloquial system one. but this does bring to light the tendency of people to like, police others' identities- yeah alters absolutely can Be Children in the same way they can Be literally anything. I think this is what the word Little was kind of For but it has not done its job
Like you mentioned smoking weed here- with a physical child in real life, what you just said there would have been a Crime. you would not be Allowed to do that. Im not saying your parts arent children but i AM saying that there is an inherent difference between treating Any child part like this vs any human child, with VERY DIFFERENT kinds of consequences- this is why conflating the two is a problem and where the whole "whoa you let your little DATE? creep" comes from
So like again boiling it down to "littles arent children" WILL result in more of the same issues we're having but on the other side (ie. "What do you mean you cant do that, littles arent even real kids") but as it currently stands we have people being accused of pedophilia for Having Littles who are In Relationships so like its a give and take. like it's pretty grim. a more accurate response would probably be "only some littles in some systems have the limitations youre describing, and the ones who don't are not evil predators" but nuance is lacking in these trenches
This is less of a call to "force all systems to do adult activities" and more of a call for everyone else to stop screaming "child endangerment" because someone let their little watch an R rated movie (hyperbole. its usually a much nastier accusation). Do what you want forever and if anyone tries to make you do anything youre uncomfortable with/can't, theyre just an asshole and the childness is incidental to the situation
littles have it so bad on this bitch of an earth apparently like they can't act too childlike or the system is irresponsible for letting them front alone, they cant act too adult or the system is a . predator or something?!?! idek?!?!? littles have to act Exactly Just young enough and also have to be ok with potentially being locked into that vague set of behaviors for the rest of their lives depending on if alters even age in their system
like god damn at this point we need to bring the "fictives arent their sources" energy to "littles arent children" its like a much more dire situation
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bunnieswithknives · 5 months ago
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(nature au) you said that while dale dislikes dev using a cane in the house he doesn’t really care too much, but what if dev used a cane in public? i can’t imagine dale would be okay with that at all. he’d be pissed, like confiscate the cane kind of pissed
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Originally the gag here was just going to be Dev clinging onto his dads arm for dear life while he shivers like a chihuahua but he is just. So small.. I couldnt get it to look reasonable
Bonus:
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#The horror of putting Dev in a situation where he would 100% be wearing his sunglasses#Like NOOO the perfectly construction expression of horror I was going to give him#fop nature au#fop#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents a new wish#fop dev#dev dimmadome#dale dimmadome#fop dale#fop peri#art#digital art#fanart#I cant tell if I got the tone right with this one#Theres a very careful balance I try to strike with comedy vs horror and Im not sure if I got it#I also try to keep a sort of balance when depicting characters that are just straight up awful#I dont like depicting characters as cartoonishly evil but I also dont want to make him seem overly sympathetic#or like he's 'deep down a good person' because he's straight up not#He's awful and selfish. What he's done to his son makes him deeply uncomfortable with himself#but that discomfort means absolutely nothing when he refuses to change or become a better person#and he does refuse to change. changing is hard#he still keeps hurting Dev at every turn and maybe to tries to justify it to himself as being for Devs own good#but regardless he is still refusing to listen to him and hurting him even more in the process#idk im rambling#I like to keep the abuse balanced out with these nothing little concessions on Dales part#tbh even this concession didnt come from the good of his heart he just wanted to avoid making a scene#also because the visual of Dale deciding CARRYING him everywhere is better than just letting him have his cane is very funny to me
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bunnyboy-juice · 7 months ago
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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ghostofsnails · 20 days ago
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so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and
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#disventure camp#disventure camp fanart#tristan vik#disventure camp tristan#ghostofsnails#my art#It would be SO tedious to post all of these separately but to be honest ive been dead for so long that i think its just funnier like this#like. yeah. just in case you guys have been wondering what i've been up to.#I have like 2 more i think but i'll give them their own post so i can explain them#ive never hyperfixated on a character like this in my entire life. usually a character hyperfix is super intense and lasts like 2ish weeks.#GUYS ITS BEEN 2+ MONTHS. AND I STILL CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR CARTOON GOTH NONBINARY SILLY PERSON#actually fuck you can i write an essay in tags about why i love them. this is tumblr. and whose even gonna read this anyways. fukit we ball#i followed dc kinda casually as a guilty pleasure for a while but i was instantly drawn to tristan when the designs for the s4 cast dropped#i was like You're telling me there's a GOTH who is UPBEAT and isnt designed like a flawless elf TWINK and is NONBINARY? ME FR????#LIKE OHH THE GOTH NB GETS TO LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD. THEY GET TO BE UNCONVENTIONAL. my aesthetic attraction to them goes crazy. vampire style.#i remember when they got revealed people redesigned them to look more generically pretty & it PAINED ME bc it missed the point SO. BADLY.#ik some people find them boring also & even tho i disagree i can see it if u dont rlly care abt alt stuff. but for me the fact theyre so#kind & upbeat & extroverted WHILE being a SUBCULTURAL GOTH is the draw bc while i do get a kick out of the exaggerated depressed goth#stereotype - its not exactly true to life and so seeing a character that looks and acts like me and real goths makes feel so seen and happy#they also capture my desire to have goth friends SO BADLY im projecting on them SO HARD. They are such top tier friend material you guys...#AND THEYRE A FASHION DESIGNER WHICH FEELS SO IN THEME WITH BEING GOTH THAT IT MAKES ME SO JOYOUS AND CRAZY.#its all so funny because im 100x more excited about getting good goth rep than nonbinary rep LMFAOOO but them being nb is SO important too#Not to mention their voice actor is FANTASTIC and elevates them SOOO MUCH. Also the amount the va is obsessed with them fed my obsession -#sooo insanely you guys.... i feed off of other peoples emotional attachments. AND THEIR ACTING FOR TRIS ADDS SO MUCH DEPTH TO THEIR#CHARACTER IF YOU LOOK FOR IT. I COULD LITERALLY WRITE ESSAYS ABOUT TRISTAN YOU GUYS. IM NOT INSANE.#god you guys this is the first time ive ever had a genuine “i feel seen” feeling from a fictional character I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOW.#i LOVE NONBINARY PEOPLE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES. I LOVE HOW QUEERNESS AND GOTH CULTURE INTERSECTS AND HOW THATS REPRESENTED IN TRISTAN#THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND I KNOW THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. WHICH JUST MAKES THEM MEAN EVEN MORE TO ME. I LOVE LIFE.#its an endless feedback loop i fear. im trapped in it & loving every second. i will be drawing them until i am in my grave & maybe after.
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greasydumbfuck · 2 months ago
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id love to draw cute selfship art but unfortunately i cant let myself be happy
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moeblob · 10 months ago
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 4 months ago
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Just had my first psychiatrist appointment in like two years! Not to brag, but I improved on mental illness so much that I was upgraded from Bipolar 2 to Bipolar 1! 😎
#when she asked me questions and said 'that seems more like bipolar 1 than 2' i immediately got so excited#to make this fucking joke on tumblr#when my mom asks how my appointment went im going to make it to her too and shes going to hate it#im trying to collect all of the diagnosises and meds#ive tried so many meds in the past im excited to add a new one to my repertoire#i dont even know what this one is for. i think its cuz my bipolar leans heavily towards the depression#and so far that depression has been untreatable. so i think thats what this is for#my caffeine intake was heavily judged whivh i did not appreciate. but its a judgement worthy amount of caffeine tbh#also i had onboarding for my new job at mcdonalds literally immediately after my psyh appointment#and it was strange. i did the normal things. paperwork etc#but at the end i asked if colored hair was okay and she said she encourages self expression#but then she whispered and said some people are furries and thsts okay but if i am i cant wear the claws or tail at work#just for food safety reasons. and she brought me out to a separate building thats their dry storage#and she said sometimes theres pine snakes in there so just be loud as you go in#and she said she doesnt mind if you smoke weed on the clock. just do it in your car or dry storage and use body spray to cover the smell#ive missed working fast food. im going to change my mind after like two shifts but its fine#anyway i hope you appreciated my mental health joke :) i made myself laugh hysterically with that one
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mauv-the-bluest-cat-ever · 21 days ago
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i have my benefits of not being out as trans (which is. only one really but it is not being harassed because i dont attract attention) but it fucks with my sense of self
#i am genderless. i am some sort of man. i am a girl that wants/tries on a costume so she can play as a most minimal pastiche of a man#i am nothing and i am agender#i am a liar that lies about being a woman. i am still a woman when strangers perceive me as anything but (something that i want from them)#i almost feel like i prove terf's point about “poor confused girls” just by existing.#i know this is not true but holly shit actually expressing myself in the way i wouldv've wanted physically would've fucking helped#which admittedly. i dont even try with it nowadays. as much as i want it and perhaps maybe need it it feels hopeless to try#and its not even just physical part. i just dont know how to describe it#i should not just give up on it because some motherfuckers above just fuck shit up and sometimes specifically target people like me.#i should resist. and yet#the binary gender mixing with a feeling that i lie forever and ever (whish is admittedly big bc i usually dont feel bad about act of lying)#i see posts that are akin to “trans person / people please dont kill yourself we need you/you all”#and i just keep thinking why. whats the point. is it a much of a loss really if some One Random trans kills itself#or i should just rot until a day. an opportunity when i can finally make myself#and the obvious answer is that i Should work for that day to come. i in fact stoked to start hrt i am not afraid of transition#but with stuff just stacked against it. what the point#i cant in good conscious call myself trans just even in general at this rate tbh#mauv's meowing
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yaoianimeremade · 10 months ago
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Soon im rly gonna do it
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#🕸️#sui mention#< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are#like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however#every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day#it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a#wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach#into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i#cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening#almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not#only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is#to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being#or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in#coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe#its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont#hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am#im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf#its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will#i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to#do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks#thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me
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critterofthenight · 1 year ago
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my mom's trauma dumping about her childhood again and i'm fucking tired of this
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shittywriterbrain · 1 year ago
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i started watching pride and prejudice 1995 yesterday and i had so severe good omens flashbacks during mr darcy's confession it was NOT funny
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lux--nova · 2 years ago
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just reblogged a post abt someone being ashamed of their hamilton phase and there are exactly 2 types of people in the notes 1. people who are also deeply ashamed of their hamilton phase 2. people who are still deeply in their hamilton phase and i feel like I just momentarily glimpsed past the veil of communities that still exist on tumblr that I am blissfully and peacefully unaware of
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babygirlvanitas · 2 years ago
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hh oh i hit the tag limit
#void again#on top of the last void post ive been jus hyperaware of just how things affect me#i wanna make it clear this post wasnt because of her this is just me#just my issues#she did give me a bit of a wake up call though#a wake up call that yeah reminded me of not a good person#but also showed me just how much i look at the past#just how often im anxious because of my past experiences#someone could say something so vague and yet it reminds me of really bad times so i panic a bit#for example#i had this one instance in which someone in a gc needed someone else to listen to#they were expecting me to listen to them but i wasnt in the right headspace to listen to someone elses#problems so i expressed this and muted the gc#when i came back to the gc they were very upset i ignored them and thier problem#one of the few times i had tried to look after myself and it backfired on my horribly#that made me feel so incredibly guilty for it from then on#i cant remember how the rest of the chat were at the time but#anygay if someone dms me now wanting an ear to listen to their problems i will feel so bad if i ignore them for even 5 minutes#my past experiences on the internet and with internet friends have completely ruined how i make friends#how i keep friends and even how i phrase things#the bird bitch ( ex ) left a huge mark on me too like this#they misconstrued my words and phrases so many times and make it seem like i said something i never intented to say#they did this so very often that now i am so careful with phrasing#im walking on eggshells sometimes with it#on top of all that my goddamn hearing loss is biting me in the ass#i have to hear something than understand it then process it at least 5 times over in my head til i can#get a response#a n y w a y s#all that to say im tired and im going ti bed for real now#time to dream kf baizhu
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alinadafrog · 2 months ago
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I saw the tv glow but they smashed it and no-one taught me how to fix it.
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itsalwaysdark · 3 months ago
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whining hours . sry
#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i#just cant imagine it happening again#like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g#to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit#the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t#go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation#+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out#rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking#out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that#and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache#way too quickly and then explode or something. idk#i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots#and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me#+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk#theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have#stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is#for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part#makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny#it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very#aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate#conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think#itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th#weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk#i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up#<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im#just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but#wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me#like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to#talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings
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