#i cant listen to it completely yet ;-;
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hey when they wrote "knight behind bars" and they wrote kitt helping a couple get together and they gave him the line "Some day, it will be my turn" [to find love]. did they know what they were doing. did they know that in some 40 years some gay autistic robot-obsessed little freak on tumblr would not stop thinking about it for weeks and write literal dozens of paragraphs screaming about it on discord. did they know they were going to ruin Me, Specifically, with this concept that feels like the culmination of everything kitt has gone through through the show and such a fascinating thing to think about in regards to michael and kitt's relationship,
one of the themes of knight rider is kitt developing as a Person, developing a line between the Knight Industries Two-Thousand, and Kitt. discovering humanity, his own emotions, the joys of the seemingly and logically pointless, and often through the lens of his own driver, his partner, his friend, Michael - his primary guide through all these experiences, his reference for those human things he doesn't understand. and as much as he initially claims to not be capable of experiencing emotions, of understanding feelings, he learns to. he experiences a wide range of emotions through the show even while claiming he doesn't, he even learns fear and insecurity. perhaps it's only natural a robot would learn to love, or at the very least be terribly curious about it and wonder if such a thing could ever exist for Him
the majority of people are not exactly kind to kitt. they talk about him like he's not there, they talk about him like he's a machine, a novelty, some people are even scared of or disturbed by him when all he's trying to do is make polite conversation and company. he's always Othered - there's no other cars like him (at least not anymore), but there's no other person like him either, he doesn't truly belong among humans or vehicles. some of the technicians at FLAG don't even seem to fully respect him as a person, at least they don't based on my vague recollection of how they talk about him in Junkyard Dog. when Michael asks him after KARR is destroyed if it feels good to be one of a kind again, he doesn't say yes or no - he only says it's a "familiar feeling." it may be familiar, but it's surely also isolating, and i think that's something he'd realize as he slowly picks up this curiosity about love. where could he even find it when so few people see him as an equal person to begin with?
and then there's michael. oh my god, and then there's michael. no matter what flavor you choose to read it in, the whole show is about their relationship, they're a duo, a set Not to be separated, they're Partners. they work together, they worry about and look after each other (forever insane about when kitt was a melted shell, Michael stuck around the garage for hours, waiting for any news like a worried spouse, constantly checking on him every opportunity he got... encouraging him to recover, and even helping paint back on his protective coating... kitt always looks after michael, but for once, it's michael's turn to look after Him), in a way they were Made for each other - Kitt more literally, being programmed for Michael and holding his namesake, but Michael was also made in a sense for the pilot program, hand picked and given a second life to work for the foundation and with this strange supercar. and even if they had a rocky start, michael comes to view kitt as a person - car, TV set, or computer core, Kitt is his partner, his buddy. he helps him find himself, guides him and teaches him about these things that make us human, and in a way, kitt becomes human - but his entire experience is still through the perspective of an AI in a car, it's still very unique and isolating, and I think he sort of grows into his own limitations, he's finally brushing against the walls that define him.
he learns of love, and then he learns to dream Of love. these things he sees in the movies, that michael tells him about, that he so often sees michael Partaking in that he gets so oddly jealous of, doesn't it all seem so wonderful? he's very curious. but who could ever love steel and circuitry, who could ever see him as an equal let alone a partner in a romantic sense? who would ever love a car and all the limitations That comes with? it's a problem for a hypothetical hopeful Some Day, in the meantime stuck between two worlds where he doesn't perfectly belong to either, where no car Can love him and no human seemingly Would love him...
and michael loves him anyway. before either of them really realize or talk about it, in spite of everything, in any form, regardless of the fact it wouldn't be a typical relationship by absolutely any means, michael loves him anyway. kitt is as much a person to him as bonnie or devon or RC, and that person is someone he loves and cares for deeply. the feeling is mutual, kitt's world revolves around michael, he's one of the most important people in kitt's life, and he'd do anything to protect him.
and it is michael that will finally teach him to love, and what it means to feel loved in turn, to be loved as the person he undoubtedly is.
#liz blogs#kr#knight rider#michael knight#kitt#robots#gay#this isnt writing. its rambling. its very insane rambling.#WHAT is the ship tag. i dont even know. fuck it we ball#michael x kitt#sure#knight rider spoilers#i saw someone make up a really good one but i cant remember what it was-- oh my god was it MK2000. was it. was that iT-#mk2000#retroactively gonna go tag all the fruity posts with that i dont care#do not even get me started on michael learning to love for the first time in This lifetime. ... literally dont get me started i havent seen#the last stevie episode yet. thats next weeks crying fit. but i feel like that's a piece i need#but stevie was michael Long's girl. part of His life. michael Knight can't go back to that. and maybe he Shouldn't#listen. its about michael teaching kitt to love. and kitt Letting him learn to love Again. something real besides his weekend flings#i need a lobotomyyyyyyy i need an ice pick to the brain i need to stop being completely fucking insane about robots#IF BEING INSANE ABOUT FICTIONAL ROBOTS WAS A JOB I WOULD BE A MILLIONAIRE#anyway michael is bisexual and a dashboard smoocher thanks for coming to my ted talk#homosexuality is rampant in the military jerry. thats a bisexual if ever i saw one. have you seen the way he dresses. he calls his car baby#if you dont watch knight rider and you read this i'm sorry i must look deranged#this ship is queer flavored even besides the fact its two guys. there's like four levels of queer flavoring in this bitch
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Something that always annoys me is the idea only 1 language learning method works. Which is not true. While it may be possible that, for a particular individual, only a few out of many study methods may work well enough for That Individual to make progress and stay motivated... that doesn't mean all the other study methods won't work for anyone else out there, or that those few methods will work for every other given person.
Obviously if you've been studying a while, then you already figured out what kinds of things work for you and don't. If you're a beginner, just wading into studying?
I would suggest you simply look for study methods that: 1. Teach you new things regularly, 2. Review and practice things you've learned, 3. Include studying things you need for your particular goals (for example if your goal is to read X book then the study materials at some point should involve reading practice and some words the book contains, if your goal is to talk about Y then the study materials should include some information about pronunciation and words you'll need to be able to say).
As you can imagine, a TON of study materials will meet these requirements. And you can study a given skill in a LOT of ways.
(Reading is my focus lol so just for reading, a beginner might: do vocabulary study with lists or conversations with native speakers or watching shows and looking words up or listening to dialogues with a transcript like in a textbook or graded readers or a picture book with word labels in the target language or a video game with labelled objects in target language, all of those things as long as your vocabulary is improving or reading practice is happening would help you make progress). So to improve reading skill as a beginner: you could study with a textbook, a podcast with transcript, a classroom or tutor with words written down in target language (like TPRS), a video game, a TV show and a translate app on your phone, a friend you talk with (who either writes words down or you look up words you hear with a translate app), a friend you text with, srs flashcards like anki (provided there's text) etc. As long as there's new words, and/or you're practicing reading, the study method may work. If it works will come down to if you can stay motivated doing it regularly, and make sure you regularly learn some new things and review/practice things you've already studied.
So consider those things when you see people selling a study method as a product (especially when it's costing you money). Consider if it teaches you NEW things, and are those new things related to your goals, and how MUCH new stuff will it teach you before you finish it? Consider if it provides review or practice, or if you can use it's materials to review on your own making up your own method, or if you'll need to do separate review/practice.
So examples:
LingQ. Can it teach you many new words? Yes, thousands, since you can import any texts you want when you get done with their provided material (I have no idea how much their beginner material covers though in terms of words... I would hope 1000-3000 words but that can be researched). Is your goal reading? It's suited to reading, so you will practice and review often with it. Cost? I think it was $12 a month when I last had it, and the price may have increased. Is it worth it? Depends on a learner's needs. I found it was wasting my money, so I chose to use free tools like Pleco and Readibu apps - since those apps are suited for Chinese learners and have better translations, Pleco has better paid graded reader material if I was going to spend money, and both Pleco and Readibu let me import texts so I can learn thousands of new words just like LingQ but free. Now that I'm not a beginner, I often use Microsoft Edge to read chinese... since I can still click-translate words easily (all my web browsers have that tool free), and Edge's TTS voice is helpful for pronunciation and sounds quite good. I read webnovels online so Edge works well. But it's translations aren't as good as Pleco or Readibu, so if I still needed translations more I would use them. So... is LingQ a good study method? Its certainly a study method marketed to buy. Well... the method is suited to improving reading skill, at least. It costs money, which is a negative, but it does offer a lot. However: everything it does regarding reading can be done free with other apps or sites or web browsers on their own. So if paying money motivates you to read... sure. LingQ does have a few word tracking features a learner may find worth the money, keeping in mind the actual read-to-learn method can be done free without lingq. (Also... while LingQ is a valid option for improving reading, if the learners goal is speaking then it would be important to think of what study activities the learner will do OUTSIDE of LingQ to improve speaking... because I've seen how LingQ is marketed as "how to learn a language" but it's only focused on some skills. It has vocabulary and grammar in some sense, since you'll read a lot and encounter new words and structures. But it doesnt have speaking or writing practice at least last time I was on it. Those activities would need to be worked on, on your own).
You can do that kind of cost/benefit contemplating with any study method material you see being sold. Amother example: there's a beginner Mandarin course called Mandarin Blueprint. It teaches like 800 words. Thats all. It may be worthwhile for a beginner... who still needs to learn 800 common words. But if you already know a few hundred words, the benefit of the course is less, you'll need to find a new material to teach you more new stuff soon. And the price was like a few hundred for the course... which for me personally was too much to spend, when I had already learned 800 hanzi from a book that cost me 12 dollars and 2000 words from a free user made memrise deck. The course claimed to get a person speaking, competent, but anyone not a beginner would say speaking basically with 800 words is nowhere near the level of working in Chinese or just doing a lot of daily life stuff, or reading/listening to media. (Although for the motivated beginner if you're learning 800 words on your own like I was, its definitely close to the point of jumping to learn more words and start reading kids and teenager books, and watching easier shows if you're willing to look new words up). So to me... Mandarin Blueprint felt like overselling some basic beginner materials. (Again when I know several other things that teach beginner stuff either more in depth so HSK test prep classes, and college courses, or that teach beginner stuff to the same depth as Mandarin Blueprint but free).
Some study materials aren't going to act like they teach everything. I've seen chinese courses just for learning to speak tones better and general pronunciation - probably worthwhile if your goal is to improve speaking and a teacher could help improve the issues your having. But a learner needs to be aware for that course that they'll need to study vocabulary on their own, its JUST a pronunciation improvement course.
#rant#i saw a lot of comments on forums yesterday thinking automatic language growth alg was like snake oil#aka a scam. but it can be done for free (free lessons online) and for people who#learn well from visual context and guessing (i learn well that way) the lesson style DOES result in learning new words and grammar#so provided you can find ALG type free lessons that teach 1000+ words (ideally 3000+ words) then you will learn#enough grammar and words to then move onto native speaker content to continue studying. so all free#i have not seen yet how ALG helps students with speaking or writing yet though. so i can only say it for sure improves passive skills#specifically listening with new words and grammar. and listening translates to reading if you practice that on your own#even just with subtitles or podcast transcripts.#the issue for me is can i find alg courses that teach a thousand words in a timely manner (and free if thats my personal requirement)#i think Dreaming Spanish and Comprehensible Thai do have enough free courses to teach 1000+ words#so those ones would get you to possibly intermediate b1 level in passive listening skill#and then its up to you on if 1 that meets your goal 2 you learn well with that lesson type 3 you are motivated to do the lessons#like... duolingo itself is not completely useless... it teaches 3000 words on most courses (and maybe 1500 common words). the big issue for#me with duolingo is it takes me AGES to complete a lesson and complete a course (years). cause i cant focus on it#whereas with duolingos content... its beginner content. at best it will get Reading skill to A2 or low B1#and maybe other skills if you practice OUTSIDE duolingo with the words and grammar u learned.#so getting to A2 vocab shouldnt take me more than a year to learn (based on how i study). i can learn it in 6 months if i#just study a wordlist on paper and a grammar guide online. so since duolingo takes me 4 times LONGER to study than the other methods i use?#duolingo is a waste of my time. not worth it (and it markets itself as if it will get a learner to B2 when it wont. and it markets#as if 1 lesson a day is all you need. to make progress in 6 months in duolingo like my wordlist study...#you'd need to be doing duolingo 1-3 hours a day... which duolingo does not tell u to do. and most learners dont
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Some of you only view Lucas’s character as the Good Boyfriend and it shows
#AND ITS NOT EVEN ACCURATE ACTUALLY#BECAUSE HIS ENTIRE CHARACTER ARC BETWEEN SEASON 3 AND 4 IS LEARNING HOW TO BE A BETTER LISTENER#AND NOT A CONTROL FREAK BECAUSE HE LOVES PEOPLE SO MUCH AND JUST WANTS THEM TO AUTO FEEL BETTER#BUT HE CANT JUST DO THAT HE HAS TO WAIT AND BE PATIENT AND LISTEN#lumax#byclair#applies to both of y’all#TikTok byclairs esp get on my nerves bc they are almost always anti mike ppl who just use Lucas as the good bc trope#and never delve further into his character#LIKE HE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN HIS REMATIONSHIPS#the day I start going insane about Lucas here like I do in my buddy’s dms…#nobody will know peace#Lucas has bad and good traits like every other character yet the fandom chooses to completely mischaracterize him#either by exaggerating his good traits + shoving all the bad stuff into mike#or making him out to be this homophobic asshole stubborn abuser#and he’s neither of these things#he’s complex with complex motivations#me when people don’t realize how much of a control freak Lucas is#and how much of that stems from racism trauma + UD trauma#he’s so so special my boy#stranger things#lucas sinclair#will never forgive you mfs for how often he is mischaracterized for the sake of a ship or to say that he’s the only completely good chara#NOBODY IS COMPLETELY GOOD ALL THE TIME IT COMES WITH BEING FUCKING HUMAN#like I love him. he’s my skrungums. but he still has an Arc#and arc that involves him needing to learn things about himself#and revolve as a person#my rambles
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listening to the isat ost and i feel like im gonna explode
#im TRYING to PAINT but i keep having to take BREAKS BECAUSE (REDACTED SECRET BOSS THEME) IS MAKING ME WANNA SHATTER INTO A BAJILLION PIECES#words#also like i have thoughts so SPOILERS#but its so.#the trio of i wont let you go home/tell us tell us tell us/you want to stay with them is so#like it gets me in my feelings...#i wont let you go home is so desperate and despairing and frantic#and then tell us tell us tell us is like the immediate aftermath of a breakdown things dont feel real yet but youre calmed down now#it feels so tired and worn down but still hopeful#and you want to stay with them is just pure Comfort and its just. SIFFRIN. I CANT. I CANT HANDLE THIS#it feels muted though and it feels like youre getting covered in a big warm blanket#and its just lovely ahgh#the we're with you!/its finally over melody finally feels Complete and then its immediately emphasised with the its finally over reprise#I JUST. I LOVE THIS OST#AND NOT TO MENTION HOW CAN YOU HELP ME STARDUST THAT SONG IS SO#IT FEELS SO RESIGNED IT HURTS TO LISTEN TO#loops depression vs siffrins mania FIGHT#isat spoilers#ok im done now
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me: *does not stop complaining about the aos movies*
also me:
#LISTEN#it’s legit like some of my favorite casting choices ever#i cant help it#i can and will eat up any version that gives my man’s sulu a bigger role okay#even tho I do bitch about the unecessary Spock uhura romance the entire time#HES GAY#and so is she#and she’s too good for him anyways sorry not sorry#also the personality changes kinda make my eye twitch it’s by far the least of the crimes#spirk#like frankly it’s ridiculous how obvious the attempt was to squash all shipping stuff#with that weird romance#especially because it would have made more sense for Kirk and uhura given the ending of the original show#but they chose Spock deliberately#and yet the chemistry between pine and quinto was still too strong lmaooooo#Spock and Jim are just like that#you cant change the homoeroticism without completely ruining their dynamic#but boy they sure tried it!#star trek aos
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🦾
#blorbo thoughts... ive been so buckypilled for literal weeks (months?) now and idk where its coming from#i havent seen/read a marvel in years and even when i did see some of the movies#_I_ wasnt rly in the fandom it was my friend who always wanted to go see them#but oughhh bucky...... hes so important to me#hes so tragic and like ive been reading all sorts of bucky recovery fics lately#its very nice since theres a hundred thousand billion works on ao3 for him i get to be very picky#but idk how i got so attached???#like i said he was always my favorite but i never thought of him outside of the few hours i was watching a movie hes in lmao#now everyday im like waoww... this song is SO bucky#woahh im having a hard time picking what to eat... i bet bucky had a hard time making decisions after he was free of the brainwashing....#waoww a mask? just like bucky has sometimes.....#im not a marvel head but my friend did make us go see the endgame and every day im astonished at how they fucked it up so incredibly#like??????? first off i cant even think of steve going back to the past and leaving bucky in the present after all that hes lost already#cause it just breaks my heart in the same way end of the hobbit breaks my heart#and second of all what about peggys whole life in the past???? her whole agent carter tv show life???? her fiance????#are we supposed to believe a. steve just decides he gets to unwrite that timeline and marry her and b.#that undoing her whole life in favor of them being together is fair to anyone??? wheres her goddamn agency??????#its just so. but marvel movies are the epitome of undoing character development so idk why im even surprised#its just so incredible how theyre handed this super famous VERY FLEXIBLE beloved thing of MARVEL COMICS#and literal millions of money#and they manage to fuck it up so completely in every single direction#anyway im straying from the topic#i love bucky....... hes in so much pain and he gets to get better at least in my brain#my post#how embarrassing to get a marvel movie blorbo in 2024 but its not like i chose it to happen#i keep wanting to make a bucky playlist but i know itd have like 7 songs and thwn i never listen to it so i havent yet
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Ngl bad parents give me such an ick like stay tf away from me ew
#this cousin of mine has twins#twin boys#and while i sort of understand why she is the way she is with them#i realy cant wrap my head completely around it#because well#its such blind idiot stupid fucking BAD behaviour especially for a mother was especially towards her children#especially when theyre twins and youre so blatantly partial the favoured one KNOWS hes favoured#like. she has absolutely ruined her second boy and absolutely cannot handle him and yet slaps him every chance she gets#doesnt listen to him refuses to indulge him even the least bit shows zero affection and ive been here three days and man can i see#that child is fucking parched for affection specifically from him mother because he is neglected#he knows he is neglected#he is scared shitless of her and acts out of his way to get any attention he can because that is the only time his mother will hold him#be it with sharp fingers and a hold that digs into his skin#theyre literally just 5 years old#the neglected child i a fucking dream come true. is already smart as FUCK#does anything you tell him to do RIGHT THAT SECOND#the only flaw is that he doesnt listen when anyone tells him not to do something which isnt even a flaw for fucks sake#thats a fucking child hes gonna ASK#and you shout at him and dont amswer him and when he keeps asking you hit him#my heart fucking cries man#the other one knows his mother favours him and despises his brother and that evil fucker (i know its not his fault) lies#and gets his brother hit and then fucking TEASES HIM ABOUT IT THREATENS HIM LATER ON LIKE I AM SO DISGUSTED#HOW MUCH OF AN AWFUL PARENT DO YOU HAVE TO BE FOR YOUR KIDS TO BE AWARE OF HOW TO MANIPULATE YOU AT THE AGE OF FUCKING FIVE#F I V E (5).#they. are. FIVE.#i seriously want to keep him to myself because she will ruin him#and whats more disgusting is when shes getting him to do stuff shes all like “baby do this” and the moment hes back and standing close she#pushes him away? looks at him disgusted? says “why do you bother me so much”??????#that is child is the most fucking neglected child ive ever seen and seriously man why does this happen and why do I HAVE TO WITNESS IT#the favoured one is pure evil and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING TO HIM HES DUMB ASF CANT EVEN WRITE ONE WORD WITHOUT DYING DOES NOTHING DOESNT LISTEN
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GUESS WHOS THE LAZIEST MV FAN ANd just watched the lonely mountain ep for the first timeee!’!!! :’D
#yes ive had access to the episode since it aired. yes im so lazy i put it off for a good year and a half#i knew it was gay but omg it was very gay#plus no one was talkin about the cute little my parts??? like omg#so glad it got the (lgbtq) awards that it got even if it wasnt intentional#not to mention the animation/fx was a step up from the previous episode with stinky omg the animation bidget was dasterdly#probably to put more effort in the lonely mountains ep :’)#ive been conjuring up a snufmin animatic to a beautiful orchestral song ive listened to for years#and was hoping this episode would unlock some ideas AND IT DID yay#not fully announcing it yet cuz my lifes pretty busy and its hard to get any WIP animatics done in a set amount of time :/#i hate to disappoint in that regard if i cant deliver what art i technically promise. rather just post it when complete you know?#going back to the topic at hand. i usually put off a lot of series that i like because i dont like hiatuses and like to watch all at once#but then even if i get all the new episodes at once im like ehhh im busy (not really)#plus to be emotionally ready for it! like ive put off a lot of animes cuz damn theyre hittin more and more close to home
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Not my mom asking me what my brother’s email and password is and me knowing it lmao. Why does no one around here even acknowledge that I’m more of a parent to my brother than they are
#she’s mad that he listens to me better than he listens to her#not only do not constantly yell at him and not bother to work with him#but Im the one who wakes him up in the morning#Im the one that makes sure he showers and goes to bed at a decent time#Im the one who helps him with his homework#hell I’m the only one who bothers to make sure he does it BEFORE he gets the zero in the grade book#and he doesn’t even see me as an authority figure because they don’t respect me so why should he#if I try to punish him or reinforce his behavior in any way they always overrule me#and then give him a worse reinforcement tactic that clearly doesn’t work#like i really feel like we’d be better off if they just fucked off and left me completely in charge of him#they refuse to take any accountability yet blame me for anything he does wrong#they are literally such shit parents and it took them so long to realize it because my sister and I parented ourselves#but my brother was spoiled too much growing up so he never learned how and they never learned how to parent#and refuse to learn now#they get mad if I try to offer any tips despite being the only one who’s ever successful#they ignore the fact that I have a degree in psychology and took classes in childhood development because I don’t have the experience#but apprently they don’t have the experience either or else they’d be better at this!#Ugh it’s so annoying watching them do everything wrong and being comoelehlt powerless to do anything#i cant imagine how bad it would be if I wasn’t here#they’d probably beat him constantly since I’m the only one that can stop them#the only thing they really provide is transportation and money#and still they’re too lazy to drive us around anywhere half the time and are constantly blowing their money on frivolous things#so we don’t have enough sometimes to pay bills or have nice dinners#that *I* make btw cuz they’re too lazy to#which is fine cuz I don’t work but before I moved back in they were eating ramen noodles and mac and cheese every day#and have the audacity to say I don’t do shit around here#they would FLOUNDER without me#god i cant wait until I can get out of here but I literally don’t know if I ever will cuz ive not been well mentally#and theyre behavior isn’t helping
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fm funk fursday: jan 5th 2023
ok yeah its fm funk fursday now. ive decided because i can decide these things and what the hell am i supposed to do. not be insane about the new album i found yesterday? i am transfem; it's vital to my mental health that i do this. also im still on the initial wave of energy i get from my adderall. either way here's the song
#tooies favourite songs :3#fm funk friday#there i am making a sorting tag for this too. because im planning on doing more of this#it wont be like completely random songs but it also wont be like intentionally and carefully selected#its just gonna be a song ive been listening to lately that i like and feel like posting#especially songs i am listening to in the wee hours of the morning when i am high energy from adderall#so expect a lot of this album at least for a bit#though i might try to vary it a bit more. whos to say really!#i guess probably expect more variation between me getting new albums#ok im going to cut myself off now because i realize i have started to rambling. goopbye. have a tooie#wait also let me know if i should add commentary on the songs#cant add any on this album yet because im still learning and getting a feeling for it. but i might in the future#might also go back and edit this. wait FUCK im still rambling ok goopbye for real this time
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did you know this is what inspired winter flower
— i have never listened to that T_T but it's so good omg?? that's what made you decide on the name then :0
#ʚ ₊˚◞ 📎 ─ moots.#‧₊˚💭 ─ from: koca!#i cant listen to it completely yet ;-;#my airdopes died sigh#but anything rm works on must be gr8 :P
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just got THWACKED upside the head by a wave of nostalgia & now desperately want to play kirbys epic yarn..... rude
#cruel cruel world. i dont think our wii has worked in like. a year now#the universe is MEAN. TO ME. GRrRAUGHh.#im ignoring all my responsibilities to bemoan the lack of kirby enrichment in my enclosure. whatever will i do...#i dont have a switch or anyth.:( BUT... my brothers do..... maybe they have kirby enrichment.......#i think they love me enough to let me borrow some kirby enrichment if they have it to spare#hmm. ik there was a mad dash to save/pirate(?)/emulate(??) nintendo stuff after they pulled some fuckshit but now i cant remember details#mayhaps later when im done with some of my stupid responsibilities i can *mumblemumble* myself some kirby enrichment to my laptop or smth#oooh... or maybe those brothers mine still have the ds stashed somewhere?? bc like. what i rly want is to play kirbys epic yarn. BUT.#if the ds and the game cartridge are still alive+kickin around... kirby mass attack would ALSO do the trick lmao#and then i wouldnt have to worry abt *mumblemumble*-ing myself some kirby enrichment. bc tbqh i am... Not Very Good at *mumblemumble* yet#shameful ik. lmfao#but ive been wOrKiNg oN iT oKaY... its just. building those skills (+ therefore: my library) is very very slow going hkdkjshk#im... not COMPLETELY technologically inept#but im definitely not GREAT with computers#anyway. my brothersre all currently out of the house so i gUeSs ill return to the work i Should be doing rn instead of complaining abt how#i find our lack of kirby disturbing#maybe ill listen to the soundtracks while i work... hopefully that scratches the itch instead of makes it worse lmao#bee speaks
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hh oh i hit the tag limit
#void again#on top of the last void post ive been jus hyperaware of just how things affect me#i wanna make it clear this post wasnt because of her this is just me#just my issues#she did give me a bit of a wake up call though#a wake up call that yeah reminded me of not a good person#but also showed me just how much i look at the past#just how often im anxious because of my past experiences#someone could say something so vague and yet it reminds me of really bad times so i panic a bit#for example#i had this one instance in which someone in a gc needed someone else to listen to#they were expecting me to listen to them but i wasnt in the right headspace to listen to someone elses#problems so i expressed this and muted the gc#when i came back to the gc they were very upset i ignored them and thier problem#one of the few times i had tried to look after myself and it backfired on my horribly#that made me feel so incredibly guilty for it from then on#i cant remember how the rest of the chat were at the time but#anygay if someone dms me now wanting an ear to listen to their problems i will feel so bad if i ignore them for even 5 minutes#my past experiences on the internet and with internet friends have completely ruined how i make friends#how i keep friends and even how i phrase things#the bird bitch ( ex ) left a huge mark on me too like this#they misconstrued my words and phrases so many times and make it seem like i said something i never intented to say#they did this so very often that now i am so careful with phrasing#im walking on eggshells sometimes with it#on top of all that my goddamn hearing loss is biting me in the ass#i have to hear something than understand it then process it at least 5 times over in my head til i can#get a response#a n y w a y s#all that to say im tired and im going ti bed for real now#time to dream kf baizhu
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I don't even wish misophonia on my worst enemy
my main misophonia triggers are YAWNING (i hate it so much), breathing, humming, laughing, singing, coughing, snoring, sniffling, whistling, mouth smacking, and... oh my god. zipper. I hate zipper sounds sm, I always have since kindergarten
other sounds are faint noises (like music seeping through earphones or whispering), repetitive noises (like cars passing by), chewing, teeth biting 😦😬😦😬, pennies on wood, and knife swish sounds.
for some reason, most sounds I mentioned don't actually trigger if I hear it from a recording. I may not like the sound of chewing or munching but I love watching muckbangs that pop up on my fyp or ytshorts. so thankfully I'm not like some misophonics with this who do get triggered by sounds from their phones or computers
sounds I don't mind but other misophonics do are chip bags, windchimes, glass clanking, purring, hair ruffling, paper sounds, balls bouncing, and musical sounds.
the opposite of misophonia is asmr and my only asmr is literally any animal eating anything of any texture. if it's human eating asmr, not really. it specifically has to be an animal, primarily dogs, cats, racoons, deers, and horses
#misophonia is a neurological disorder that cant be cured or treated properly#sounds that trigger me send me to a flight fight or freeze response that i cannot control or have a hard time doing so#i usually will go away of the sound if i can but if i dont#i either cover my ears or stay still holding back tears or holding back the urge to physically disrupt the sound#that means possibly hurting someone if the noise comes from somebody#it has happened but i personally have never hurt somebody bc of my misophonia at least not yet#i just groan or say stop if it gets close to that point#like many misophonics one way of avoiding sounds is having something covering your ears or listening to music#i ofc also do this. the way it works for me is the sounds not completely processing through so it doesnt hit as hard#when it does hit my ears」 i aggressively rub my ears until the uncomfortable feeling goes away#pain usually cancels out most physically uncomfortable feelings for me#misophonia#yapping
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Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over
#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens#i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’#or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems#like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything#and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you#its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we#and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin#nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend#its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything#lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery#and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick#of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing#and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit#and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money#and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now#because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing#feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny#lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away#and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life#im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die#but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol
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School gives me such bad anxiety and i dont even know why 😭😭
Like. I think the occupation is enjoyable for the most part i love the kids really even when theyre rowdy or rude i still love them i dont know what it ISSSSS. I just wanna go back to being a student who only has themselves to worry about like i miss just being a student so bad but its 3 more months of this 😭😭😭 and im so scared too like what if this means i actually dont want to be or CANT be a teacher like why is this little internship already giving me so much anxiety
#it hasnt been this bad in quite a long time#since my own school days i think i havent had this super consistent prevalent anxiety#im just soooo . soooo thrown#i dont wanna do this#i know logically its completely normal to feel insecure at first and you need experience#and of course i know that theres many more factors like the fact that we dont get paid or that we will already have people coming to#evaluate us for whatever fucking reason and the fact that we have to do a#a research project simultaneously and lets not forget i also have to actually work and earn money#its just too much for me rn and when the kids dont listen i just get progressively more overwhelmed#and i dont know what to do bcs i also cant establish myself as a teacher yet cause im not doing all the things a teacher does#its just not a good situation rn guess i just have to endure this constant thrum of fear and panic until February hahah#wish i could just pass out mentally for the next 3 months that would be so awesome
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