#i cant keep being my own therapist and everyone else's

[howcanisaveafallenangel]

maybe the reason i havent been on here much is because i get so connected to myself again when i'm here but i've been using disconnection as a coping mechanism. so when i come back to this, safe space, and it hurts. it aches. to be so completely unapologetically myself in so long. this whole site was such a coping mechanism for me in my teens. and i just dont feel safe anywhere right now so i pushed away. and. disconnected. disassociated from myself. survived. barely.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[hana-no-seiiki]

Imagine being the one that hurt someone else’s feelings

and then promptly blocking them when they said they’ve already forgiven you?? Im??

???

alright im gonna be real frank with you guys. and i’m setting this boundary now for the future. i am a yandere blog writer. not a therapist. at most you can be my acquaintance unless you actively try to approach me in discord or dms (i’m a high maintenance friend i’m afraid).

honestly speaking i’d rather you don’t vent to me (im pretty sure i have this in my rules) because i’m not in the correct headspace to be helping you.

you. dont. know. me.

i. dont. know. you.

seriously, think before you send stuff through asks.

is it necessary? is it kind? are you willing to show that to whoever might view that post? cause whatever that is out in the internet stays there.

you know what would be better to send through my asks? actual asks about my works or ocs, requests, ideas, maybe even your own works. cause guess what? it’s what this blog is about. heck even just some praise or critiques.

i don’t mean to be condescending or anything with this post, just read all this with the tone of a disappointed parent. cause that’s just today’d mood rn istg.

cause fr i understand it, ive been there. it’s why i try to entertain asks that mention depression, thoughts of unalive, or whatnot is because i’ve experience that. but there comes a point where i have to wave the white flag and say i cant deal with that anymore.

ALSO THOSE ASKS THAT KEEP ASKING FOR ANOTHER PART. LOOK I REALLY AM GRATEFUL FOR YOU GUYS LIKING MY WORK AND ANTICIPATING ANOTHER PART BUT IT GETS TIRING SEEING ALL THOSE.

anyways yeah stay safe everyone. no hate at all, i really dont want this to escalate to drama. mwah 💋

I’m most likely going to edit my rules soon as to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

[hellsbroadcaster]

I realize I could be compliant and block you, but considering you have multiple other blogs, i really doubt you're going to stop looking. So why bother? I was going to message you directly, but you blocked me again before I could get the chance. And I'm not interested in sending anons.

I guess I am just waiting for you to get bored. because its really being blown out of proportion. and I'm saying this for everyone now, because I do not care what mental health problems you have, what disabilities, it DOES NOT give you the right to be an asshole. It is NOT a free pass to get away saying insensitive things to people and not to expect backlash from it so entitled as shit.

Whatever you are dealing with, it is YOUR responsibility to learn and deal with it. I am not your therapist. I can understand and respect that things get missed, social cues and all that, I have a lot of friends who like me are on the spectrum, ADHD, dyslexic. I have depression, anxiety and PTSD and guess what?? I don't make that everyone's problem. I respect people who can come to me and tell me if I missed the ball on something, or I was being rude or something i said bothered them. because if I dont know, how the fuck am I gonna learn?

Roleplayers are not their characters. WE ARE REAL PEOPLE, with REAL feelings. We have lives, we make mistakes. my issue with you, is you claim to have been straightforward but really you were just rude and tried to blame on it on the fact that you don't understand social cues and its why you come off as rude. but i think you are just rude.

I was really understanding of it before, when we talked. I told you many times, what the real reason behind why I was upset and you ignored it every time and only focused on what I said. I reached out solely to inform you that the way you word things is important and if you said those things to someone else? They would not be as understanding as I was. and i feel like a little bitch for admitting it but it made me cry when i saw your messages.

but yes, i dont expect everyone to be my friend, i wasn't naïve in thinking that we were but it makes people feel a type of way when you use them for information, ask for their help and then when you don't need it anymore you come and say how you didn't ever have intention of writing, or being friends and you're gonna block and move on ( which is laughable considering you haven't). And it made me cry because, in the last year, I have given so much of myself to people I DID consider friends and dropped me the moment i couldnt give them what they wanted anymore.

because the rpc has a big issue in not seeing their roleplay partners as people. they only exist to give them roleplays and that is not right or okay. and you did that shit on my birthday. when I was having fun with my friends, I had to stop and fight back tears until the end when I could finally be alone. and i dont say this for you to care, or feel bad. i dont really give a fuck how you feel at this point.

you were rude and inconsiderate towards me, and you've never once acknowledged your own faults. you lied to me about the real reason you wanted to block me, which is totally fine and respectable. but you could have just said that from the beginning instead of giving me false reasons and therefore me trying to find other ways to make you more comfortable. deny it all you want but that's what a lie is, you were misleading. and the moment I started to give you what you were giving me, which is disrespect, you ran away. which is why I am writing this now. because I know you won't stop. I know you won't confront me. if I bothered you so much the realistic thing to do would be to keep me blocked. but you cant? because I know internally its a you problem and actually has nothing to do with me. which is why I can be so calm and indifferent about it.

why I dont spend my days thinking about you, or talking about you. or bothering to try and look at your blogs cuz i dont care what you do or say about me or whatever else. its why i wont block you, because i dont need to do or anything actually. you're torturing yourself at this point. this will be the last thing I say on it though. i hope you figure your shit out. maybe go back to therapy and learn a little more to be better.

[lemonsbakery]

Hey uhm what are your ocs

cracking my knuckles.

CR OCS :333

Strawberry cat cookie/CC (blunt little girl with a terrible memory. needs therapy so badly)

Chocolate cat cookie/010 (mentally ill in so many ways . in a me way but I'm not like so scary)

Vanilla cat cookie (I HATE HER EVIL CAT GHOST LADY)

Cherry cat cookie (the mom of the cat triplets. People keep victimizing her even though she was also apart of the problem)

'Flour' cookie (cocaine. Father of the cat triplets. I hate him)

Dog treat cookie (SILLY SKATER LESBIAN GIRL underaged smoker and also has a crush on strawberry cat cookie in the future but cc is really fucking stupid and cant pick up on dog treat cookies obvious pickup lines)

Linzer cookie (dead military ghost lady, also known as silly lesbian emo girl)

Banana candy cookie (therapist and scientist, also known as lesbian scene girl)

Banana split cookie (eldest child of banana candy and linzer, really liked lofi, died at like um 11 or something)

Berry jam cookie (youngest child of banana candy and linzer, really liked vocaloid, died at like 9 years old)

Spritz cookie (SILLY SO SILLY SO SO SO SO SO SILLY AND COOL AND people keep watering magic down to innocent and sweet magic so much more, candy is silly but not stupid. shes a little stupid but not fucking DUMB) (also she/magic/candy pronouns for spritz thankies)

PISS COOKIE. (joke oc)

Flan cookie (HAUGHTY LOCKSMITH WHO has a little kid issue and also is sort of a roguefort fangirl but he will never admit it to anybody else)

Girl scout cookie (bothers haughty locksmith and keeps getting stuck in unconventional places, for example, inside of traffic cone and a vending machine. Also she knows Everyones home address.)

Pink grass cookie (BASED ON THOSE LIKE. UM. THOSE EGGS THAT HAD THE FLAVORED GRASS IN IT. Shes so mentally ill and um she kind of has some Serious issues with. everything oh god save her shes so fucked the religious trauma is insane)

Moose tracks cookie (47 year old single train conductor that's rivals with two other train stations but also thinks its all fun and games and loves her rivals and also will call you sweetheart, honey, and dearheart)

Microplastic cookie (wip. I am not elaborating.)

OTHER OCS :33

Mio Mirai (Girlboss v-tuber who will manipulate you and act cute while doing it)

Junichi Mirai (Brother of girlboss v-tuber. Makes really good eggs. My friends keep calling him a whore)

Grace Happyfield (Genius fucking 12 year old with cat ears and is also being raised by two maniacs that love her so much and she loves them both too. One is her mom and the other is this girl owned by my friend who taught her how to properly kill men and get away with it by being a cutie pie xx Oh and her moms a lesbian)

Alice Happyfield (GRACIES MOM!! She had her daughter kill her husband and experimented on his body. Sold the leftovers)

Harmony (I dont have a last name for her. shes 12 and had a crush on her friend who was a girl but uhoh her friend who was agirl got assassinated for being openly pansexual!!! uhoh!! shes also friends with Gracie heheohoho)

Egret Flowers (Roblox oc, really silly child that has underlying attachment and self image issues. Also she doesn't have a face)

Lilith (TMC oc, basically shes like Gabriel but instead she targets men specifically by gaining their trust and crushing them)

Alexander Weeks (FNAF oc, he's so transgender and really wants his mom dead . Btw keep in mind that he's a fnaf oc and a minor that's transgender in the 1980s)

Alex (same guy as above but make him an edgy robot that really likes cats)

Zombie cat (Read the name)

Sorrel (Epithet erased oc!! Her epithet is creativity, she basically turns fiction into reality at the expense of her own or others energy. She has no idea how to properly work it shes like 11 OH AND SHE HAS A MOTHER FIGURE THAT ALSO HAS AN EPITHET THATS MUSHROOM THEMED and and also sorrel likes baking)

Cloth (An alien that crash landed on earth. He is completely convinced that he's a human)

Ecole (An alien that crash landed on earth with cloth. She is cloths sister. shes is a famous dancer, and is on every magazine from her home planet. She wants to smack some sense into her brother)

Sew (ANOTHER ALIEN that crash landed on earth. She doesn't think she's a human or an alien, he is just himself. They also really like surfing and skating)

Doll (An old porcelain doll that was abandoned in a garden. It now tends to the plants itself since nobody else will)

MY PErSONA!! (I'm counting this as an oc because my persona has lore

theres more, but ill spare you LMSFAO

[mental-health-advice]

Alr, idk how we will solve the tag issue yet as we are very many alters so separate accs may not work but at least I can bring this up now knowing I didnt before!

--- Warning for talk ab delusions, kidnapping, Family abuse and stuff like that ---

Basically we did get emotionally, psychologically and probably more abused and in childhood before we even understood it was abuse we sometimes would think "well that cant be MY parent" bc of it. At age 8(?) We found out our dad isn't our biological dad.

After that I know we repeatedly thought we must have been switched at birth, kidnapped at birth or something else bc no way in hell could we be related to our mother. This went as far as us episodically actually being full on believing that she isnt our mother and often we were tempted to look through documents or go to the hospital we were born at to ask.

Note that our youngest half sister literally looks like a carbon copy of the body at her age. Like we literally have evidence we a re e related but we still keep believing she must have taken us.

The past days it was bad again, as I'm typing this I'm more in reality again but it's scary to think that any morning I could wake up believing that our mother is a kidnapper or that we were switched at birth or that none of our family actually are our family etc

I tried looking into it eatlier.

Most I found was new mothers suffering from delusions ab their babies being switched at birth and people having delusions that their families got replaced by clones (which,, I probably should have waited to read when I was more fully grounded rather than still half gone bc that makes me uncertain ab our abusive younger brother bc he cant have become that bad for jo reason etc)

Idk how to bring this up to our psychiatrist and therapist without them starting to think the entire system is just a delusion or hallucination as well :(

-- Crepe (☆)

Hey there,

This sounds to be a really scary predicament to be in. I guess in the situations that you feel as though you have been kidnapped or swapped at birth, just try to reassure yourself that these are just feelings and not necessarily the truth. Try to ground yourself, focus on your breathing and surroundings, remind yourself that you are in the here and now.

I am so sorry that you have been through so much abuse in your life and from such an early age as well. I want you to know though that sometimes remembering these abuse episodes or situations I guess you could call them, can be a good thing and especially if you are remembering them bit by bit and not all at once. The reason I am saying this is because remembering things slowly can allow you to slowly heal from this past abuse with your psychiatrist and therapist. This will take time though and a lot of hard work and working through abuse may bring other things up as well, but keep in close contact and update your psychiatrist and therapist on a regular basis and I know you can work through this at all your own paces. Of course though, it may be too soon to work on any abuse issues so please do talk to your psychiatrist and therapist first before starting anything!

Abuse can affect people differently and sometimes abuse can even run in families. For example, my Dad’s Dad (I cannot refer to him as anything more due to abuse I suffered from him) was sexually and emotionally abusive and the emotional abusiveness went down to my own Dad and his brother. This is not to say that abuse runs in everyone’s family but it is possible. So I guess what I am trying to say that maybe your younger brother was also abused or the abusive side of things or what he saw happen to you made him think it was OK to abuse others in that same way. Just something to think about!

Back to the delusions now though and how you could bring this up with your therapy team! I think that what you wrote was really well said and so maybe writing something similar in a letter maybe helpful to share with them? It will help for them to better understand where you currently are and how best they can help you all right now with knowing that important information. Would you feel comfortable writing something down? If not, then just try to explain things as you have done on here. It’s OK to feel how you are, being confused or delusional at times. None of this is your fault, and none of this means that your entire system is just a delusion or hallucination and I think your psychiatrist and therapist will know that just from knowing you and your history and especially if you have been seeing them for a while. The horrible thing about DID is that sometimes things come up in pieces that don’t quite make complete sense, this is normal. So please don’t worry!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help support you guys in any other way!

I’m thinking of you all and hope you are all going as best as you can be!

Take care,

Lauren  

[silvanoir]

What happens when you've pushed yourself past burnout for YEARS?

When you are given no time to grieve your own dead mother, that you had to bury her box of ashes yourself, no funeral, no nothing? When you have to keep your father in your house, whom you don't like ... unlike the mother you were close to, and he smokes sooo much he makes you cough up blood but you can't afford a nursing home for him and all finances are so tangled you cant get rid of him but he wont die and he has said point blank he doesn't care about you or your health? When you have to deal with all his taxes and paperwork and greasy food smells and SMOKE (his brothers bring him cigarettes when you're not at home, against your wishes) and his loud grunts and coughing and bearing down on his walker so hard he's worn grooves in your once nice hardwood floors and his gameshows at full volume on 2 tvs all day? When you know the worst mistake you ever made was taking him in when you took your dying mother in because it was she who used to take care of him and you thought he would at least watch her for you when you couldn't.... handle some paperwork and then he didn't, and now you are stuck with his stinky old man ass like a punishment from hell though you're not sure what sin you committed? (The sin of wanting to keep the family together, the sin of not yet being ready to be an orphan even as an adult... but as the song said, as you now know all too well, "If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone" )

Knowing no one will ever show you the same care? Someone did once, take care of you, your mother, but she's dead!

When your head hurts. Body hurts. Can't think. Can't sleep. Can't fully enjoy anything. hurtshurtshurtshurts.

No support for your own burdens... injuries, ilnesses, and woes? Your mind and body break down (further and further)! You scream and cry and scream and cry and people stop being interested! They stop listening! They don't help! They keep asking you to DO THINGS when you passed your doing-things LIMIT ages ago.

Even the goddamn 988 helpline hung up on me! "You sound overwhelmed" said the useless counselor at the end "But I have to check in on the suicidal"

Yup, just leave me alone in pain, like everyone else! Even the doctors.... there was supposed to be at least a new headache medicine for me to try to lessen the pain in my head so I could maybe sleep... the doc never put it in to the pharmacy :/

The Government is useless. Therapists are useless. Doctors are useless. Family is useless. Useless Useless Useless.

[industrialbirddog]

Story idea!

Ok, hello! so, i have a story idea and i have zero clue if i should ever make it a reality. Im jus gonna share it here cause i can, and if youd like to see this made into an actual project there'll be a poll thing you can click on.

The basic thing is its abt trauma, the effects, responses, coping mechs [bad and good], how its different for each person even if they go through the same thing, and that basically no matter if someone has it worse ur response/trauma is still valid. and itll also focus on mental illness, making sure not to romantisice or stereotype it, since ppl seem to think you can only act/look a certain way if you have a specific mental illness. i think you get it, yeah?

so instead of characters, i was thinking i could do a dnd type session thing with a group of people, because i havent been through everything and cant acturatlly describe anybody elses responses theyd always be effected by how i cope/act, so id put a group together and it'd basically be group therapy but cooler. I've always hated group therapy tbh, but this sounds like something i wouldnt actually dred. for the people/players of the session they would have their own character designs, made by them thats basically a physical manifestions of their traumas and the effect it had on them. we'd say we're put in a specific situation, seeing how youd react to it, and basically just cool ways of helping w/ trauma and shit for the players. when the sessions are done, each person/player would write or animate how the session went, from their perspective. how they thought others felt, how they themself felt, what happened, yada yada you get it. basically, journalling how the session went. what helped in certain situations what didnt, and i think it'd be cool to have each player not share said journaling with other people in the project just so its to see how everyone reacted do to truama responses and all that, ofc if theres any "i thought this person was really upset with me/angry at me" or "this thing someone else did hurt me" it'll be resolved next session or behind the scenes if people want that instead. and ofc to keep it from being stressful/anxiety giving/uncomfortable we'll have light hearted sessions too, that also storywise reminds you life goes on no matter what, even if you yourself arent focused on the present. now ofc, theres quite a few ways this idea can go toxic for the group so i'll always have to put precausions in place like if a sessions getting too heated ill have to put it on pause and basically be THE therapist friend and all that but thats easy.

if i ever do make this a reality im ofc gonna have to think of ways to not retruamatize people, how each situation thing would work, and the overall story-line would have to be made but i think yall get it. this is just the very base of the basic idea, i daydream abt it all the time. I feel like for me personally, id have a better experience with something like this rather then normal group therapy.

Sadly, i cant do more then keeping this poll going for a week, i dont have the people to focus on my rambles to know if this would actually be a good idea but i say fuck it we ball, ill send it to the disc server lol

[theres-bugs-in-my-brain]

Please just block and don’t report, this is my only safe space

I’ve come to the dumbfounding realization that I am hearing things again and I can’t do anything about it.

I have minor to moderate hallucinations

Mostly auditory, mostly nonsensical

The repeating sounds of doors opening, dogs barking, phone notifications stuff like that

On the more extreme end I have seen and heard upsetting things. Disturbing to just plain gross at times.

I also have an imaginary friend, max, who is mostly my voice of reason but he keeps his distance ever since I started going to therapy.

But there’s this one that’s been messing with me for a long time. The voice of my probably dead ex. Long story short he was dealing with psychotic episodes and confided in me for experiencing similar things (hallucinations), but after a dumb argument with me agreeing with my friend over a stupid thing made him think that I was cheating on him. He threatened to take his own life before blocking me. Never heard of him again. Never had a mutual friend between us and I didn’t tell my parents about our relationship or even our friendship so no connection to his family to see if he was okay.

That night I made a promise to take my life before 18 but I’m 19 now.

Since that day he was this soft yet suffocating voice to tell me I wasn’t worth the air I breathed for killing him. I hardly talk about it. Not like how I talk about the bullying or harassment I was experiencing at the time. It’s still hard to talk about it today.

Something about it is that those thoughts, those feelings, that moment is always in the back of my head. I spend so much time trying to forget about it, I end up thinking about it twice as much.

Recently it was my 19th birthday. For weeks, months leading up to that day it was like he was resurrected. his damn ghost talking to me, asking me if I really wanted to stay like this. This alongside the hallucinations twisting and turning what everyone is saying around me. Sounding harsher, whispering cruel truths, even when I’m alone, with the voices of family, friends

Especially friends that walked out, that I don’t know if they’re safe, alive.

It’s eating me up. The things they say.

Makes me dizzy with anger, nauseous with anxiety, choking on grief.

I’ve been trying to stay clean

I really am

But if I’m clean with one thing I’m twice as dependent on the other.

I used to talk about this with my therapist

My closest friend

My brother max

But I don’t go to therapy anymore and she was a bitch anyway, nice lady just always felt like she looked down on me

My closest friend is drowning in his own life and he’s just a kid, how could I even put something on him in the first place

And max, my brother, isn’t that so damning huh? A literal extension of myself and somehow even though he out of anyone should understand the most, his disappointment, him not understanding is what I fear the most.

Plus how could I even bring it up??

“Hey by the way my understanding of what everyone around me is saying is slowly being twisted and it’s getting harder to tell when it happens, and it’s been making me feel violent and awful”

No one would trust my feelings, my perspective, every little thing that I say that I feel will be scrutinized and doubted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s for a good reason, but it feels like no one understands that I already doubt everything I see and hear. Scrutinize every feeling already. Why would I want others to do that to me when I build up the confidence to even say anything?

Cant mix well with my already shaky sense of self. My very identity is constantly contradicted by how everyone else perceives me and my own fucking body betraying me.

So it’s getting bad again and I can’t say anything, but whenever things would build up I would come here to write it down, get it out, so I know I’ll feel better soon. And like I always say

It will pass

[kirbycrouch]

living with bpd has to be one of the hardest things i have to deal with. i cant even begin to count the amount of friendships and friend groups ive lost and pushed away because of my unstable emotions and my inability to talk about my feelings and be vulnerable with people. i fucking hate being vulnerable, i hate talking about my feelings. but also i guess its just that i never really learned *how* to talk about my feelings. my whole life i was yelled at and told im "ruining everything" and am being "selfish" or "self centered" or that im a "burden" whenever i talked about my feelings or showed emotion. you see, my family has always been huge on their image and reputation, anything that could possibly make them look bad was seen as a problem, and thats why my family always ostracized me and saw me as a problem. when i got bullied all throughout grade school and high school my parents would blame it on me and would tell me "why is it only you that has these problems?? no one else in the family had these problems!!" and thats around when the first time i attempted to kill myself, but even then my parents tried so hard to hide the reason why i was in the hospital and told everyone its from "allergies" even though i was there for two weeks. sure theyre nicer to me now, but the damage was already done. truthfully though im used to always getting the short end of the stick and losing everything, or having things just. not. go. my. way. on top of me having bpd and being autistic and honestly at this point probably schizophrenic too with how fucking often i experience hallucinations and paranoid delusions, i also found out that i have pcos the other day right before my birthday, which my birthday also sucked but at this point it was too late for me to have a good birthday in the first place. i have to deal with having chronic mental and physical illnesses for the rest of my life that not only affect my personality but affect my physical appearance and health too. im not desirable physically or emotionally. everything i liked about myself is being taken away from me. and it doesnt help that i keep pushing away the people that care about me because of how fucking unstable and stupid i am. i lost everything. and i really cant even be upset because its all my own fault. i just continuously self sabotage myself. but i guess its not only my own fault because how cant i be scared? not that long ago i got banned from a college club, lost a whole group of friends, because i reported my rapist/abuser and they called me a liar. my rapist/abuser was "banned" too but we all know that i was only told that so i wouldnt report the club or "expose" them or whatever even though regardless no one will fucking believe me. when i was raped in high school someone i thought i could trust told everyone and i got called a "whore" and a "slut" throughout the whole 4 years there, not to mention he was in most of my classes despite me fucking begging the school to take him out of my classes or to change my schedule so i dont have to fucking see him everyday. of course they didnt listen, though. why would they? a few weeks ago my therapist literally told me "next time this happens you should keep it to yourself because no one believed you the last two times" and that just. broke me. but i cant even really be upset because shes right. no one believed me, and if it ever happened again still no one would believe me. no one ever takes my side, ive been alone and lonely my whole life, but its mostly my fault that im like this so who am i to get upset over my own actions. i dont know how much longer i can handle any of this, i thought things were getting better for me but i feel myself falling down the hole again. i really want to end it all. i dont have hope for things ever getting better for me. some people are just given a bad set of cards and theres no way they could ever win, and i think im one of those people, so i should just give up.

[nicolespeaks]

I actually feel myself changing. I'm learning things and it's sticking. I'm seeing and feeling the results and I want to keep going, I want to feel better, I want to be happy and succeed in my life.

I looked up sexual trauma today, trying to figure out what was up with me. I had a thought that I had been sexually assaulted when I was young, the trauma was there, but I didn't remember and I felt like it was very unlikely considering how closed off and protective my family was.

I still looked it up though and people on Reddit were dealing with the same thing. Some had been sexually assaulted but others had been sexually exploited by their parents. Some even had parents that would expose their sex lives to them, have sex in front of them, say jokes, sexualize everything, and I felt understood, heard, not alone.

They said that their therapists told them not to try and force a memory or thought, and to instead heal the feeling. I felt so validated, I felt like I understood myself more, I do understand myself more.

My triggers and feelings to sexually assault, everyone else's trauma doesn't affect me. Everything has been shut off and my own experience now feels that void. It makes me want to become better, want to understand and heal myself more, cause I matter, my life matters even if it's hard to explain.

I always read an article about how childhood sexual trauma is stored in the body. Lower back and spinal tension, stiff movement. Even the issues I had with my digestive system all made sense to me. I've finally figured out this, putred problem of mine, and I feel safe with myself. I've validated myself. I don't pity myself or compare myself anymore. This is my life. My experiences.

I've been exploited in many ways growing up. Always having attention on me, always being told how pretty and beautiful I look, having to maintain a certain appearance, accept unwanted attention. The stuff my mom and sisters would do to me, the way they touched me. The way I was sexualized by my own mother and now heavily sexualized by ish, touched by ish in certain ways. I felt sick when he would touch me in certain places, instantly uncomfortable. I would like to tell him to stop, that it makes me uncomfortable, but that would upset him. I try to counter it or get comfortable by doing the same thing, but it makes me feel so wrong and dirty and vulgar.

But I know why I feel this way. Ive protected myself. There's like a shield around my body and things cant break it down. I feel my power.

I flossed and brushed my teeth tonight. I sprayed my hair and brushed it, and put on my bonnet. I cleaned Darla's litter box. I did good today. I did well. I want to keep doing well, I want to keep learning.

On top of that, I've actually completed my degree. Like, I'm actually done. Haven't graduated yet and I still need to take classes but, I've passed all the hard stuff. I am at the end and wow, I did it. I'm so , I don't even know. It just feels good. I feel solid and peaceful with myself and my life.

I have a long list of things I want to do, and they all seem so easy. I've gaining better understanding of myself and my photographs. I feel ready to start making my business. I feel focused to start studying for my certification. I feel ready for my life, and I'm not forcing myself either. I'm not setting any high expectations for myself. I'm looking at the horizon and there's no mountain in my way. I'm at the top of the mountain and I'm ready to build my house.

I feel I can think about my relationship with God and bring that into my life again. I feel like I'm climbing up now, and I'll only get higher, more great.

I'm going to start therapy with myself. I'm going to build my relationship with myself, build my life. And keep it to myself, keep it safe and protected. Not out of fear, but because I want to protect my peace and strength. I want to treasure myself.

My life is good. My life has always been good in a lot of ways, but I know and recognize the bad in it, the mistakes and failures. I know that the things that happened in my childhood weren't my fault and I had to adopt so many unhealthy behaviors to keep myself safe, my body did, and I respect and love it for that, I love myself for that.

I want to take care of myself because I value my life and what is given to me. I appreciate everything.

I may have some ocd. May be a little autistic or ADHD. Probably not even a little. And definite certainty. But those definitions don't matter to me, as this is who I am, regardless of how who or what may have influenced me. This is what I have and I want to keep it.

I've made it this far. I've actually made it and my head and mind are clear. I can't remember how I used to be in the clouds but I'm here now on the ground with a clear sky above me. This is the me that was always there under the rubble, the me that kept me alive, kept me together. How could I not love myself for that?

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I cant say learning my situation doesn't sting a bit ngl. I feel like no one's gonna take me seriously now. All the shit I felt was so sucky but it can just be brushed off as me being overdramatic now. It feels like that keeps on happening tbh. I've been feeling like garbage for so long and I really thought I needed help, but come to find out I just needed vitamins. I know everyone is just gonna find me overdramatic now. No one takes anything serious until the situation forces it. I can see how they talk about me. All that talk of me being sick can now just get wrote off as me being extra. I know they're thinking it. I don't get why they bother pretending that's not what they're thinking

My therapist prolly thinks the same way tbh. I've tried to explain my side of things and why I'm so stagnant. He misinterprets me so much. He's so focused on MD building "a life worth living" but it's like 1000 steps got skipped. He's just planning on putting me on pills. Ig that's fine. It'll be easier lol. But I thought therapy would be different. I don't really care fr.. I just need to find a solution quick.

I'm gonna blow up again. I can feel it. I just can't find a single reason I'm still going and I can't keep running on fear forever. I know what I want fr. I'm trying to appease everyone and grow and move on and shit. But I can't just poof the shit that made me want to die away to appease everyone. I need to find something I want or some way to not feel this way, or I'll do it. I need something to replace that crutch.

I'm acting out cause of it. I stopped talking to everyone and started cutting again for various reasons. But the core thing is I want to die and everyday I'm expected to not do it to not hurt everyone else. My own heartbeat is a constant reminder that I do everything for other's sake. I want to do one thing for my own sake. So much emotional juggling for a life I never wanted to live in in the first place.

It just kinda stings to know that all the effort I put into just keeping myself from attempting until I succeed is unnoticed. No one is gonna cheer for joy over that. I'm just pulled in a thousand different directions on the daily cause im expected to and I'm met with judgement and anger when I don't. Why am I putting myself in this position when my suicide would fix it all?

[unresolved-shock]

I hope it's alright to comment on this, but this is almost exactly how I've felt for the past 2 years. there was a crisis period right after finding out about my other alters where i WAS able to at least get some names and ages, but as soon as i settled a little it all just shut down again, and now i wonder if any of that info was correct. now i dont ever, ever know who it is, or even if someone else is around at all. i am very wary of saying anything without being totally confident that I'm right, especially to my therapist. its a little funny how much i relate because i also have one single friend i tell everything relating to alters and DID to, even when im not sure if im making stuff up by accident or looking too deep into it. its gotten to the point where i literally cant even feel if anyone is there at all, even though in a rare moment of communication ive been told its at least once every week or two that someone pops in for a minute. if i hadn't been told that, i wouldn't know. i find most DID or OSDD or even partial-DID discord servers deeply unrelatable, because for all intents and purposes, i cannot tell who i am at all. my lived experience is completely different. i call myself "functionally a singlet" a lot because of this. its probly not good, but I've stopped trying to identify them because of how hard it is.

at this point, i feel i have to accept that my own system is just...incredibly subtle. delicate almost, which i suppose would make sense when those were the aspects of myself i had to shut away and protect. the hints i do get, i will just have to accumulate in notes and art and writing and strange moods, and hopefully one day, years from now, i will have enough material to see patterns. its both frustrating and funny that my brain knows exactly how to keep things from me it doesnt want me knowing, because it 100% knows how dedicated i am to learning things about myself and that im kind of insatiable when it comes to self-knowledge. it knows i will investigate the smallest crumb of info no matter how insignificant, if im even halfway convinced im not making it up. i dont know if what I've described is how it is for you, but reading your post, i couldn't help but think of all this. i wanted to share my own experience in the hopes it might be helpful or at least a tiny bit comforting.

im not sure how to end this post because i very rarely interact with other people on this site, so I'll just say even if our experiences are somewhat different, i know how deeply isolating it can feel like everyone else is accessing their own inner community so easily, and i really, really sympathize.

I grapple so hard with this DID stuff, I don't know why it looks so easy for other systems to just. Seemingly be so carefree and open and Fine with their alters and switching and this alter feels x and thid alter is named y and

I can't fathom it. Why am I still here like 3 years later and I'm still like "I will not even tell you anything about any of my alters or system because I know so little to nothing and am for some reason to uncomfortable and scared to be wrong about things that I don't tell anyone except my therapist and the one friend I speak to every day about anything about my alters or my system"

I seriously feel like the only person like this. Like... I am unable to figure out my alters STILL 3 years later. Meanwhile every system around me knows like a good portion of their alters and they decently know who they are and when they switch and they've only known for like 2 months and I still cannot be comfortable saying "I think I'm (alter)" because I just can't seem to get over this hurdle of "I need to make sure I'm correct in identifying these alters and making sure I'm not Wrongly identifying each alter and Being Wrong Wrong Wrong"

I know it can take years to figure out alters, but I have never once found a system like me... I'm 3 years in and I still can't tell you who is who and what they're like or like anything. I don't even think I'm identifying any alters correctly. I feel so, so alone because of this and whenever I try to explain this problem to people, people don't really get it and I get told that I'm wrong, that I Do know lots or whatever, but I truly, truly don't and I don't know how to explain this to people. Like I'm sorry but I see systems everywhere all around me who use PluralKit every day, often, and they decently can track their switches and their parts have at least Some sense of knowing who they are and identifying themselves and I know things are not as they seem and tracking switches or something aren't really important, but my point is that I can't do those things for a reason: because I don't know shit! I don't know my alters, we don't seem to know ourselves?, nobody seems to know anything and I'm getting so exhausted by people shutting me down and ignoring me when I vent about this problem. I am 3 years, maybe 4 years, I lost count, into questioning and I still know nothing and I just want to meet a system like me. I can't relate with any systems because of how different I feel like I am. It feels like every system around me came with a manual and I was given a completely manual that doesn't apply.

Idk I'm just venting.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

vent post, .. putting it under readmore cus its long.

sooo yeah, basically, idk waht to do with my life, and i feel like a burden in the sense that i cant provide for myself rn. i never talk about my living situation but i am almost 29 yrs old, unemployed and having to be supported by my friends cus my family is too poor to help me in any way. like i have to live with my friend’s parents which somehow feels even more pathetic than living w my own parents.. i mean ofc i am very grateful to them for helping me but the guilt racks up more n more each day. when i was 14 my mom told me, ok you’re old enough to work now so you have to get a job if you want literally anything for yourself that isn’t the bare essentials. u want anything other than canned soup for dinner? thats on u. so i got a job, at 14!!! i think back now and im like what the fuck. i was a child... but alas. i worked and worked, i was almost never unemployed my whole life after age 14, except for during 2020 pandemic, and these past few months.

work, work, work, i worked so many piece of shit jobs, i never went to school or anything, there were a few good jobs here n there but they’d always end up getting sabotaged by one of my bipolar episodes. a lot of times, when i was rly desperate, i wld resort to escorting, which i just fucking hated and have been put in a lot of compromising situations and ugh. yeah, what im GETTING at is, ive literally never had security in my life, ive never had resources, the past 15 or so years have been lived in survival mode, and 6 months ago i finally fucking crashed and burned. like, no, i fucking refuse to work anymore, im suicidal all the time, ive never been able to heal from anything that’s happend to me, i dont care if i die broke and alone, i just cant work these demeaning ass jobs anymore. im very grateful to my friedns who have been helping me not die since then, i try rly hard to live frugally, i only eat what i rly need, rarely treat myslef, etc etc.

but now its like, where do i go from here? i know i need to start thinking about generating income again and it makes me so fucking sick. all i can rly do is commissions, but i hate putting a price on art, its only fun to me when im doing it for free. i dont want it to stop being fun. i dont want it to be about money. im scared to try i guess. i definitely dont want to work another stupid job but i also just sit in the house all day and it feels unhealthy. i dont want to meet people, i dont want coworkers, hate putting myself out there cus i cant relate to anyone. hate watching them in real time slowly realize that theres something seriously wrong with me, its embarrassing. i just need something to do.. i dont have a car or anything, i dont even know how to drive because i always figured id be too poor to afford a car. and so far ive been correct about that.

i guess this post is pretty embarrassing too but oh well.. i figure at least on here some ppl can relate.. like fuck i cant even get a therapist to respond to me. everyone just keeps begging me to get therapy as if it will save me. im really lonely w all my feelings and memories. i feel like im in purgatory and all i can do is keep drawing pictures for ppl to enjoy and trying to post things that are uplifting so i can at least make someone elses day a little brighter. but i wish i had a plan or an answer or a real goal. i reallty really really want to be nothing.

[constellatedlove]

ive compiled websites, apps and playlists for a variety of different feelings and situations!!

feeling stressed or overwhelmed

websites

http://www.donothingfor2minutes.com/

encourages you to take a break and do nothing for two minutes, while you listen to sounds of the water.

https://www.7cups.com/

connects you to trained therapists that you can talk to anonymously.

https://29a.ch/sandbox/2011/neonflames/

create your own nebula, use as a distraction or a calming break.

apps

stop, breathe and think - a free app that helps work through emotions and offers small mediations.

adorable home - develop a house with your partner. slowly expand and create more rooms with new animals and furniture. free!

cody cross - free crosswords game to distract your mind. bright colours and fun little noises, cute characters and great graphics.

playlists

sleeping difficulties

websites

https://rainymood.com/

rain sounds to help relax you when falling asleep.

https://www.calm.com/

offers help for almost everything, but has a section dedicated to helping your sleep.

https://www.headspace.com/

does cost money, but offers mediations and sleep sounds for you.

apps

relax melodies - free version has a large amount of options available, let’s you create your own sound mixes. you can add sounds like rain, cars, cats, vacuums. also has guided meditations.

spotify - while it’s a music app, it has lots of mediation and calming music dedicated to helping you fall asleep faster.

white noise lite - free, provides lots of noises like relax melodies, has gentle alarm options for people who dislike being jolted awake.

playlists

studying

websites

https://coffitivity.com/

has a variety of cafe noise mixes for people who study better in those environments.

https://www.easybib.com/mla8/source

helps with the citation and bibliography side of your assignments to take away some of the pain.

http://keepmeout.com

helps prevent you visiting certain websites such as instagram when you’re studying.

apps

my study life - a free app to help you keep track of your schedules, assignments and classes.

flora - encourages you to keep on task by using little trees and plants. take care of them by taking care of yourself and staying on track.

recharge - helps keep your mood up, reminds you to keep your blood pumping by providing exercise ideas and has very effective alarms.

playlists

feeling sad or down

websites

https://bongo.cat/

my absolute favourite website. play a variety of instruments as an adorable cat.

http://emergencycompliment.com/

adorably odd compliments when youre in need of a boost.

http://make-everything-ok.com/

a cute and simple little website to comfort you.

apps

happify - a free app with no sign up requirements, aims to cheer you up in a variety of ways personal to you.

animal restaurant - run a restaurant made for animals. free and doesn’t rely on in app purchases. relaxing music and beautiful art.

reflect.ly - a cute journal app where you can write things down, work through thoughts and reflect on your day.

playlists

(it’s at this point that tumblr wouldn’t let me add any more spotify links :/)

some additional cute websites i found

https://musiclab.chromeexperiments.com/Song-Maker/

a song maker that is simple and bright and offers a good distraction.

https://theuselessweb.com/

takes you to random, fun, useless websites like honour the pug, where it counts how long you have honoured the pug, and “cant not tweet this” website.

https://smashthewalls.com/

great for when you’re feeling frustrated, satisfying and endless too.

please feel free to add absolutely any other websites, apps, playlists or anything else that is helpful or calming. different things work for everyone and that’s okay! this is here for anyone who needs it <33

[thefanficmonster]

Take That!

Corpse Husband & Reader (Female) ft. Streamer Gang

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Suppressed Sadness, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: What is a friend? Your smile through the tears. The umbrella over your head when it starts raining. The ointment to your wound. But if you wanna put it in a more literal manner, a friend is something that doesn’t have a concrete definition. It can be the person you sit next to in class or the person who’s hundreds of miles away from you and you’re connected to through a Discord call.

Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your request, sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read if you happen to come across the fic. Love, Vy ❤

There are those days when I wake up excited for a new day. There are also those days when the thought of playing Among Us with my friends is all that gets me out of bed. And then there are those days when not even that can get me to budge. Today is one of those days.

I’d still be in bed right now had I not needed to use the bathroom. On my way back to hide under my covers, I heard my cat’s meow from the kitchen, reminding me she needed to be fed. After tending to that task I just sort of lost will to return to bed either. Speaking truthfully, today is a will-less day. The type of day where I have no idea what to do with myself because I feel so odd and uncomfortable: heavy and bustling head, motivation below zero no matter whether I have zero tasks to tend to or a mountain high pile of work. It’s a laying on the floor and letting my mind eat away at me type of day and I can’t say I appreciate it.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the game of Among Us Corpse invited me to yesterday. Had I known I’d wake up feeling like absolute shit, I wouldn’t have accepted. I just know I’ll be a downer the whole time because I suck at covering up how I feel - my smiling masks and faux happiness don’t cut it but staying quiet is even worse because I’m typically and energetic and bubbly person, always having something to say or a comment to add to the conversation. Always looking to make people laugh.

Well, it’s hard to make people laugh when you feel like a deflated balloon.

I can’t describe the feeling any better than that - I feel empty, maybe a little sad somewhere in the mix, unmotivated. I keep these feelings to myself cause whenever I bring them up people just blow me off, saying I’m describing laziness but more dramatically. Either that or burnout which is sometimes the case, but I’m more than sure that it’s not the culprit for today. You can only blame burnout so many times.

Anyway, I make a mental note, promising myself I’m not gonna bail on my friends regardless of whether my mood gets better or worse. Who knows, maybe a gaming session with them is exactly what I need.

                                                              *  *  *

Not much has changed with my emotional state - I’ve spent a good chunk of the day surfing through TV channels and my socials with nothing else to occupy my mind but the overwhelming knowledge that I’m not feeling ok and that hyperawareness of a void that I feel but cannot describe. At one point, Corpse sent me a text to confirm I’d be participating in the gaming session and I was this close to saying no. This close to coming up with some bullshit excuse and bailing but I didn’t, thankfully. 

Here’s the thing about this drop in mood of mine - I know it’s gonna be gone by morning. It bullies me, beats and batters me for only twenty four hours - never more, never less. Like clockwork and as precise as a Swiss watch. And so fucking annoying. No matter what I do, I can’t end it prematurely and I can never wake up feeling down and unmotivated the next morning - there’s always a surge of motivation coursing through me and it drives me to be super productive as if making up for what I didn’t do the previous day when I was in the dumps.

It’s a twisted way of it showing me I’m powerless and at the mercy of a force that, despite being mine and existing within me, I’m completely unfamiliar with. It’s so fucking unfair, it’s disheartening.

“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late.“ I greet the five people who have already gathered in the Discord call and the Among Us lobby.

Yeah, sorry I’m late, I was contemplating not showing up at all last minute

“Don’t worry about it, many people are running late as you can see.“ Rae replies reassuringly, “How’s your day? Anything spectacular happen?“

I can’t help but scoff, “Yeah sure, a TON of spectacularism in my life on the daily. From the large stack of papers I couldn’t bring myself to touch, to the dusty surfaces all over my apartment I didn’t convince myself to clean - it’s all fabulous over here.”

Fuck, that was too real

“Whoa, where’d all this sarcasm come from?“ Rae asks, sounding genuinely baffled rather than teasing, “It’s never been your strong suit.“

“Neither has unproductivity.“ Corpse, my best friend, chimes in, “Everything ok?“

Well, I admit, I should’ve known better than to have an outburst like that in front of people who have known me for a while now and can probably gauge my emotions even without me admitting to them. I truly don’t know where it came from. Hell, I didn’t even see it coming.

“Nah, it’s ok. I’m just being lazy, I guess.” I’m quick to withdraw and brush off any suspicion. The last thing I want is to worry my friends or, even worse, receive the same response from them: that I’m being dramatic, that I’m attention-seeking, that I’m just lazy and unmotivated as are most people of my generation.

“You know, what people often self-diagnose as ‘laziness’ often turns out to be something more serious. I don’t mean to scare you, but it could be depression.“ Corpse says after a brief moment of silence in the call, his voice soft and cautious as if explaining a complex problem to a kid who’s bound to be hurt by what it’s told.

I can’t help but chuckle. He has no idea how much he’s relieved me by saying that. I always ‘don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘want to change the subject’ while what I truly need happens to be the complete opposite. I need someone to hear me out, I need someone who will not brush me and my concerns off like we don’t matter. I need someone who’ll understand. And if these people who have openly struggled with anxiety or depression don’t get me, who will?

“Yeah, I genuinely thought I thought of myself as a lowlife while I was in college cause I started losing motivation for everything and started fearing what was to come. I began avoiding going out and talking to people cause I felt like I was the sore thumb in the friend group I had - the only one without any specific goal or a dream.“ Leslie says out of the blue, “Turns out I suffered through a burnout so bad it turned into an anxiety/depression combo that I just blamed on being a lazy college student.“

“Same here!“ Toast pipes in, “I was bedridden for a while during the first days of my streaming career, for a very ridiculous reason - I believed I didn’t deserve the attention I was getting and I wasn’t doing as well as people gave me credit for. So that had me crippled with self-doubt for a long while.“

“I still don’t believe I’m doing as well as I get credit for, but oh well.“ Leslie laughs, “I already told you all about my dumpster-fire of a brain, so I’m instead gonna say: what you need is an appointment with a therapist. Also - you need to stop underestimating your struggles. Invalidating yourself and what you’re going through is gonna make things only worse for you. You need to love yourself.“

“And you need us!“ Rae exclaims, “You need the best support you can get and, lucky for you, we’re the best in the business. Count on us always being there for you, Y/N. Cause we always will be.“

“You’re never alone. We’re all just a call or a text away. Especially me.“ Corpse adds, “I’m basically at your service 24/7, just like you’ve always been for me. What are best friends for if not sharing mental struggles and lifting each other up afterwards?“

I don’t know when this smile made its home on my face but it seems to be rather happy with where it is and wants to stay. Something tells me that thanks to these guys, it will indeed stay there for quite some time. And every time it tries to slip away, they’ll be there to bring it back.

“Then let’s lift each other up, shall we? I mean, what better way to do it other than killing each other and getting away with it?“ I attempt a giggle, hiding my emotions behind it like my life depends on it. Chances are they heard all I’m feeling in my voice, but I can only hope they’re not gonna mention it.

“Y/N, hun, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but....you never get away with it.“ Corpse wheezes, causing me to narrow my eyes and frown.

“Oh, you’re so gonna get it now!“ I exclaim, cracking my knuckles before getting my hands on my keyboard, “Start the game! I have a point to prove!“

And just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye, the clouds have shuffled aside to make path for the sunshine to grace my brain with positivity I was not expecting to feel until tomorrow morning. I can’t give myself the credit for that though - it all goes to these amazing people I have the honor of calling friends.

I may have no power over it on my own, but with the gang’s help, I can take full control of it. And as a middle finger to the melancholy, I’ll do it all with a bright smile on my face.

Take that, brain!

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