#i cant find it in myself to be happy for other ppl. sorry.

[luciality]

epic nite of sushi and drinks and dancing

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[puppyeared]

i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[nomairuins]

my tags on that went on for so long i had to go back and edit them to fit tag limit and i still had to delete a bunch of them. Its the autism it literally is

[enden-k]

Oh yea i didnt mean it in a personal way that was just badly phrased sorry. (Realising after typing it out that "why i need that hug" is only making sense in my head. Or maybe it doesnt make sense in english how i mean it sorry again)

I just like the concept so much of Vika and Saran. The drawing how he gets craddle knowing that he will get eventually eaten but they are so fluffy and healthy and tearing at the boys because AAAAHHH. Im so obsessed with this concept right now, maybe its my sick brain needing something to cling too. Tenderness in a darker concept.

And keeping it short. Do you get the concept of liking a character a certain specific way but everyone else i want to talk with about the character is just like "yea he is hot, yea he looks cool" but they never go into deeper character analysing ways and then i dont want to talk with them at all about that character.

-🐉

kjasbk its ok its ok

i like to think vika and sarans relationship is like this whole "dark love" themed, but in a consensual, non toxic way as i usually like AHHA (toxic yaoi/yuri my beloved). the super early super first idea was to go into toxic iirc but as i fleshed out their dynamic, saran turned so soft and gentle with vika and i like this so much better. it feels like its supposed to be like this with them: love and tenderness in a gloomy/dark setting

theres genuine, tender, healthy love for each other, both being right there when the other needed it the most. all vika wants is to look into sarans eyes and bask in these feelings and sarans love he finds there, yet every look costs him minutes of his life. their love is literally eating at him but its what he willingly chose and what brings him happiness. and he knows even when his time comes and he will be devoured completely, he will be with saran beyond death. all they do, its all mutual, its all consensual, its all tender.

im aro but whenever i draw them im like whoag this must be what love feels like. my hearts so full haha

overall im kinda trying to give them this "it looks like this but you have to look deeper to properly see" thing like. from the outside it looks like saran trapping vika in his hold and gaze and not letting him escape ever while in truth, its saran keeping him safe and cradled. or whenever saran babbles. the ambiguous meaning?? fooling ppl on first sight?? "look deeper or properly, its not how it seems at first." idk how to describe. maybe i also suck at conveying it AHHAHAHAHKAJSBCKJ

anw im rambling, idk where i wanted to go wtih this. i rlly cant shut up abt them LMAO sorry. im really happy to see how you like them and whats going on with them tho, this means a lot

ALSO I UNDERSTAND THAT SO WELL. i have the tendency to study a character under a microscope if i really really enjoy them and when i tried (i dont talk much to ppl anymore so its all in the past) to talk abt them to ppl who claimed to love them as much as i and then it turned out it was just superficial/surface level, i could feel my excitement shattering and just didnt discuss character studies or lore etc anymore. ofc ppl can like character how they want, im not saying its bad. i just always felt a bit alone/disappointed/embarrassed whenever it happened so im just keeping to myself now. so yeaa i get that

[dingledraw]

Hey dingle random ask I know, but u have said before that u have autism, and I myself believe I have it as well, but im undiagnosed and no ine really believes me when I talk about the symptoms I share with people who are diagnosed but anyway

I think im having a shutdown? My body feels really weird like im not there. Some parts of my body is like , I domt know ut feels wlvery weird, when ppl speak to me I cant seem to open my mouth, and if I do ive been speaking really slow and soft? And im breathing really hard and ive been forcing myself to not stim, and stimming helped but it made me feel weird for neeeding to do so and im typing really fast for some reason and have been listening to the same song for like 80 times and covered myself with my blanket and locked myself in my room

I cant really get away from my trigger (its my parents fighting) so what shoyld I do? I feel so scared and on edge this never happens usually, ive been so off today ever since starting my account for the first time and im really panicking here do u have advice?

Thabk you. If you need to ignore this ask for whatever reason I understabd completely, take care ty for ur art

Oh gosh, that’s a hard question. Autism shutdowns can be triggered by many different things and the best way to deal with can differ from person to person. I’m sorry that you can away from your trigger that really sucks to hear.

In regards to feeling disconnected from your body I have a weighted blanket and a weighted plushie (I got the plushie form here) that helps me. You can use other heavy things (like a coffee table book) and try and put them your chest while you lying down and see if the weight helps you calm down. Soda can also help. That sounds odd, but the sensory input from the carbonation, the cold temperature and the flavor can also help focus on the body. Another thing that is also related to temperature, is taking something like a bag of frozen peas and again place it on your chest, which again forces your brain to connect to your body. I also find that moving my body helps, which ofc can be a big ask if you’re already exhausted, but maybe just walking around in your room while perhaps listening to something.

The most important thing to do is be kind to yourself. It sucks that you feel weird stimming, but it’s not weird that you need to do that. Autistic people don’t regulate their emotions by the same means that neurotypical people do, and there is nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to do it in front of others if you’re not comfortable, but don’t deny something that helps you and is completely harmless. You need to be kind to yourself, and give yourself what you need in order to function and be happy. If that includes stimming then you should use it. I wear headphones almost everywhere, I would rather not and wear cute earrings, but I have to do what is best for me and helps me function in a noisy environment.

Again, it’s hard to give advice since autism varies from person to person, but try different things and see what works for you without judgement in regards to whether or not it is “weird”

Take care of yourself and stay strong 💪

[fictionfixations]

Kalim in RSA (and I get off-topic)

Spoilers for Book 4 and 5 (im sorry jamil enjoyers. but im so biased towards kalim its not even funny)

(this spiraled into me talking all about kalim in the actual game so oops)

imagine how different the story would be if kalim was in RSA

and we just hear from jamil about these snippets about his 'master' (although itd be weird they'd be separated if jamil tended to him often to where he'd prob be like his personal servant? idk what situation would have jamil talk to us anyway but yknow maybe we get close, he's like the other friend who seems cool? he'll basically help us out with knowledge about things, fleshing out the world a bit more, as the only sophomore in the group cause he kind of feels responsible maybe? then BETRAYAL)

and then eventually partway through the school year KALIM IS THERE (we know why though) and he somehow ends up housewarden.

i have a dislike against RSA. its very petty and its kind of because they keep winning (and they dont even mean ill intent which is worse! …but its kind of like kalims kindness. and i like kalim but that might make me biased. SO. thus the existence of this.)

we probably wouldnt like him much right? (and i imagine he'd get his fair share of bullies. we find this out. he laughs it off like 'nah, im used to attempted assassinations and everything. this isnt nearly as bad.')

(id do the clapping between but ppl get annoyed, and i get annoyed) CUE KALIM BEING MORE THAN SMILES AND WE LEARN THAT ABOUT HIM !!

HES aware enough that he can cook food good using JUST magic (which takes precision to use it as good or even better than your hands right??. its in his labwear vignette. ruggies teaching him ofc so ruggie wants it to be good cause hes taking leftovers, BUT CMOONNN he can learn. ..and yeah it took a few years for jamil to teach kalim antidotes to common poisons so he could do it easy but kalims hardly a master at making potions so i call that good)

AND in book 5 he noticed vil had like the same look as jamil to where he knew something was going to go wrong (aka the poisoning)

maybe its to show how much kalim doesnt belong in NRC and thats why they dont pull the 'more than he looks at first glance' like cater with glimpses in vignettes and etc

but like COME ON.

the sultan might be dumb (i recently re-watched aladdin) but at least he knew enough that he didnt want jafar marrying his daughter cause hes OLD and also he doesnt want to force jasmine into anything (good intentions. im sure if they just waited and she didnt find a suitor in time he would've just CHANGED THE LAW like he did IN THE MOVIE because he wants her to be happy!)

ALSo he tried to look through the law jafar claimed to say that would make her have to be married to the vizier or whatever (aka jafar) but then jafar just pulled it away before he could (and then attempted to mind control him when he refused) mans was prepared to spend hours reading over it even if he didnt understand it but he wasnt given the chance

also kalim is worryingly nonchalant about stuff. i mean. you can get used to horrible things to where they just feel so normal and uninmportant i guess? but poor bby. hes been like 'i want to keep myself alive because if i die then someone else will get punished.' or like about poisoning, if someone has a change of mind and hes already dead, then he cant do something to help them, so he has to make sure he'll live.

..i really doubt that hes just. so oblivious. maybe in denial, but still.

anyway i got very off topic. my bad. and to be fair we do get to see more of him at some parts. but hhh

okay listen. denial. (i am also a believer that if when kalim confronted jamil, if he said he didnt do anything kalim wouldve believed him. bruh gave him excuses like '..i just got tired, right?')

"The real Jamil would never do such things! He's a good guy. He's always helping me, giving me a shoulder to lean on, and—" (Book 4 • Chapter 33)

we just. dont see him really crumble?? he just. keeps being optimistic

we convince him jamil is bad. he resolves to punch him for being a traitor and THATS IT?

he sobs at the end of jamils overblot but then he goes back to being optimistic like 'lets be equals!' (..it feels like he didnt really learn much though as he's still 'I didn't notice--' 'I--' and i wish he couldve gotten more awareness. cause he makes it about himself yknow and blaming himself but COME ON put some blame on jamil PLEASE? or like. ANYONE ELSE. you also cant notice shit if no one ever tells you about it that you dont even know to look for it! he doesnt want to be cautious about who he can trust so like, why would he think to doubt the person who hes known his entire life??? especially if its something that was just always there that it feels natural, how could he know better? hes sheltered! so someone shouldve explained it to him, made him realize things! aghhh)

heres the book 5 one btw

"I got a real bad feeling when I saw the look on your face after Neige's rehearsal. It was practically the same look I saw on Jamil's face when he lost control of himself over holiday break." (Book 5 • Chapter 62)

And I mean maybe he did learn in that he's more aware of this now than others because he knows what people could look like because of Jamil, but I feel like a lot of things were just so unsaid. That the first time blindsided him, but now he's kind of a little more worried about something happening while he's there that he didn't notice so now he's trying to notice things more??? Or like maybe having gut feelings that he'd ignored before because it was Jamil but now knowing better?

So he can be aware. but then the rest of the time he's just thought of as dumb or an idiot or forgetful and it just makes me sad. and i mean i get that he wants to see the best in people but we never really talk about how its more that its denial. a refusal to see it, and i want to understand why

or maybe its because he sees the good in people that he trusts they'll do the right thing. or he believes that the good outweigh the bad (although i dont know if it'd be the same case if it was someone he knew who got hurt)

like. okay back in book 5

"Besides, I would bet there isn't a single person in Scarabia who hasn't gotten help from Jamil at some point. Am I right?"

"See? There you go. He's been a model vice housewarden. In fact, he's put me to shame. He let dark thoughts get the better of him for a brief time. Other than that, he's a perfectly capable guy." (Book 5 • Chapter 10)

He justifies it with that Jamil isn't the only one to blame (he also blames himself), and that Jamil hadn't done anything wrong before then

which. AGAIn. means that in his eyes the good outweigh the bad. jamils better at his duties so jamil should stay as vice housewarden.

this was the first time jamil did anything bad so it'd be fine, it was just an error in judgment

AGHHh

nothing about the fact that his closest friend he views as a brother

"He's grown up with Jamil since a young age, and considers him a brother in all but blood." (from the In-game Album)

who would be the last person he'd expect to do such a thing BETRAYS HIM, planning to make everyone (or well just the people in scarabia) turn against him

like. that has to be a shock right??? AND THEN HE JUST. welcomes him back into his life like it was nothing im just. kALIM. SWEETIE.

and i mean i get its for the best since if anyone knew what actually happened anything could happen to jamil (and jamil has his own reasons i get that but this is about kalim)

but he still hangs around him. has him as his aide. so while something did change, it also feels like nothing changed at the same time.

"I'm always chosen. Always. That's such an obvious truth that I never even consciously processed it. But now I see that was only possible because of Jamil's constant sacrifices. He created that "truth" in my mind by always holding back. By always letting me win. ...It stings. "Galling" doesn't even begin to describe it." (Book 5 • Chapter 30)

also like one of the very few times he expresses how he feels about something (how it hurts not to be chosen for the first time, and/or that he was only chosen because of someone else so he wants to work hard)

and then grim shuts him down with "You wanna talk about galling? Imagine how I feel not even makin' the cut for the audition to start with."

like. COME ON.

Kalim responds with, "Ah, you're right. My bad! I didn't mean to rub it in. Goodness, there I go again! I'm super sorry, honest."

and yeah it can seem kind of spoiled but also. its probably because of that that he doesnt want to share his troubles because he's very privileged so it feels like he might not deserve to act like its anything when everyone else has to work so much harder, right?

AND ITS JUST. REAFFIRMING TO HIM THAT his troubles are nothing compared to anyone elses and im just aghhauihduadhw

he also cares a lot about other people (people like him as housewarden because he listens to their troubles and supports them) so i just. want him to be able to take a moment to care about himself and just admit these things that he usually doesnt get the chance to.

i got a lot more worked up than i meant to

[fatliberation]

tw medical abuse, tw gender dysphoria, tw surgery

Hey, I am looking for some help. I am about an American 18/1X and I wish to have a breast reduction, both for transgender and back pain related reasons. I have an appointment with a surgeon in two weeks.

I already had one breast reduction, but that surgeon fucked me over. Even though we agreed on small B cups, he barely took anything away so that the boobs "fit my body type" and keep me looking feminine. (It was honestly traumatic but thats another point).

While my first breast reduction was paid for by my insurance, I will have to pay this one myself, so it has to go right this time. So I want to bring pictures of fat afab ppl with flat chests. But I cant find anything. It is already very difficult to find pics of afab naked breasts. Even more difficult to find fat examples. And impossible to find fat examples with flat/small boobs, as they are usually sexualised to fit a hourglass silhouette.

Do you have any pics or resources for me? I will also pay for the pictures. I was thinking of contacting sex workers, but again I am having trouble finding any fat sex workers with flat chests.

Thank you for your help and for this blog. It has been a long, long journey of daring to want a flat chest even though I am fat. It still feels very scary, but people like you help me be brave

Oh my god, I'm so sorry he did that to you. 🤬 I'm more than happy to help you find what you're looking for! You deserve to have full autonomy over your body, and you should be so proud of reaching your decision. It's okay to feel scared. You have a community of supporters right here at your fingertips. ❤️

Check out the tag #TransTummyTuesday on Twitter! it was created by @TranyeWest who is a fat trans sex worker! you’ll probably find other SWs there under the tag. I know of a few fat & flat-chested SWs who are here in the kink community on tumblr, too. I invite anyone who sees this post and feels compelled to share some photos to please do so!

[lillonvia]

Ayyy mama! guizhong asker is back! (I couldn't use my phone for a while, anyways-) part 3 bAby. So like I said guizhong is alive and well in the game, still pretty cheerful but kinda off for r e a s o n s we already know. (I think it would be pretty cute if both zhongli and her disguise as mortals together as a couple) traveler doing the story quest and all, But it's a bit different. I like to think at this time and age of liyue lots of people would know reader's story and would incorporate it to lantern rite and just other things in general (like how in the game zhongli asks traveler to get the perfume and glaze lily as offerings, I think this can just be coincidence but guizhong). Like how superstitious farmers and shepherds putting bells on their flock of sheep so they would be able to find them, and people putting bells on graves so their deceased loved would be able to find their way home, heck the story itself could be a use for parents for their children to not stray away from them. Okay enough story building and on to the actual ask- ghuizhong meeting a reincarnated reader as a shepherd using the bell for his flock (reader is a teenager in this) how they met is because traveler and zhongli was trying to convince reader to give them the bell for a discount. (since I also wanted to add that bells are really only sold by farmers/blacksmiths since other than for spiritual reasons aren't really sought out for) oh yeah- the stuff that zhongli needs are different in the game it's now like- a toy, the bell, and jade

i have been procrastinating too much i hate myself- IM SO SORRY ANON I CANT WRITE A FIC ABT THIS I AM PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF DOING SO </3 but ill share my thoughts and interpretations on it utc instead if that workshsj

guili stepping down from their pedastals and instead posing as a mortal couple is just so adorable to me <3 i have LOVED (platonically) guizhong and guili ever since i saw the lantern rite 2023 cutscene on youtube YOU DONT UNDERSTANDD why did hyv kill off such beautiful and wonderful ppl 😭 first tomo, then signora, makoto, then bonanus, menogias, and guizhong?? WHY. ok thats enough outta me-

and the shepherd bit is also really interesting, since we don’t really have any sort of hint of agriculture yet and i think that it’s really intruiging and unique <3 i love the fact that reader’s story is still well known across liyue to the present day, and i’m sure guizhong is happy that reader’s memory is preserved via the usage of bells.

AND M O R E FOUND FAMILY TROPES W/ GUI AND REINCARNATED READER?? YES PLEASE‼️ i feel like at first, guizhong would try to stray away from helping to find the bell that once belonged to reader, bc she most likely feels that if she did come along (not to mention zhongli was so understanding of this JSJSJSJJ), the memories would come rushing back and theres a chance she can’t hold it in anymore. you has always been so very special to guizhong and by extension, zhongli, after all. <3

the moment guizhong realizes that reader was reincarnated in a mortal body is probably when she notices how similar current you’s speech mannerisms and little habits—that no one else really noticed but she did, shes your mother after all—greatly resembled the traits of the half-qilin!you.

and the final nail in the coffin is when they asked to spend a moment with guizhong in private, and they dropped a BIIIGGG bomb by saying,

“ its nice to finally be able to see you again, mama. ”

HEHEUJTLRB im so delulu when it comes to mama!guizhong <3

[letmeoutofthebasementt]

Thats why I would be so conflicted even if you think you could be xyz idols type its got to be so rare to genuinely meet them at the right time when they are in a non crowded environment and to not seem deluded either. I think you cannot force these thing if it dont happen it dont meant to be, but san situation seem really sad and tbh you shouldnt need 100s of others to feel happy in life but he got something going for him with his talents and that all that matters in the long run, if he do or dont date as we cant go around playing cupid so it shouldnt matter.

These idol groups get so popular that they reallt just have to either embrace it or accept it some way or other they simply not going to be seen nor treated as a normal being yet that doesnt mean they cant find genuine romance in their life. Nothing is impossible. Plus it not like it got to happen right this moment it could be next year he meet his fs or year after.

I would genuinely love san more than his money or name or image yet I realise I do not fit into that lifestyle of his thats why most their fs are probs already rich and famous, good for them yaknow. A lot of ppl still dont get the ins and outs of all that goes on again I would give san all my love and support... if I knew there werent going to be crazy knetz or dispatch or kq preventing it from going public in a healthy way. In fact with social media being this crazy I dont know why they would want it to be so public in the first place yet privacy will be rare for them and bts and many other group.

There still has to be more to life than fame and money. Anyway these just my observations! I wish more celebs could be like cillian murphey he perfect example imho of celeb who can still be in public but he have and keep private not everything has to be online for parasocial relationship, he just going about his life without needing to be kept up to date bruh didnt even know he was a meme.

Older idols said smth interesting how they had more rest time and less social media so they could solely focus on one task at hand yet puts into perspective how reliant society has become on a made up online world. I dont think internet fame is a legit thing its just something thats been made up. now every other person and their granny is an internet star so its hard to not want to fall into the trap of being constantly online even if u only use one platform like tumblr theres too many rabbit holes to go down. that includes kpop idols and their fs. we all need to yeet ourselves into space or something to get real break from constantly being connected online yet disconnected from ourselves.

I think if there were less online celebs then it would eventually inspire others to be less online but as most celebs are still online it only encourages all the wrong behaviour of their fans, or an overattachment to them, even if they do date in private, ppl still going to poke and dig or be a nosy mf or want to be their idols fs and so on. it never ending cycle. Yet I too find myself getting so interested in someone elses personal life bc it seem the current thing to be doing yaknow it a literal trend.

sorry for my long ramble.

I know it’s near impossible to meet an idol unless you have connections and even then it’s hard not to seem like a weirdo. But that’s also something that’s not new? Celebrities are kind of like our modern day aristocracy. Beneath the people elected to rule, yet wealthy enough to have immense sway. And you couldn’t just meet aristocracy.

And it’s not really about wanting it to be public. It’s about the fact that people are insane nowadays and need to calm tf down.

And it makes sense celebrities would be with other people who are rich and famous. There’s a lesser likelihood of being used, you’re at a similar place in life so there’s little power imbalance, you can relate to one another, you know they can keep up with your lifestyle, and they’ll understand certain things the average person can’t understand.

Again, celebrities are like modern day aristocracy, and you know for a fact aristocrats always married other aristocrats.

And while I think kpop idols should definitely distance themselves more from online platforms, I also understand why they don’t.

They can talk to fans, connect with them, promote music, etc. many groups wouldn’t have a lick of fame if they weren’t on the internet, or they’d be below nugu nugu groups. And I can admit that.

Social media has also helped with the spread of KPOP to the west, showing them to broader audiences. Nowadays, social media is important to an idol’s career

[webslingingslasher]

hiii j 😞❤️‍🩹:( just need to vent..

im feeling kinda down rn. i just feel lonely. like, im actually an independent person and im introverted so im happy in my bubble but after the thing that happened with my ex friends, i realized that i never rly fit in anywhere.. i outgrew a lot of things and people (including them) so now im just by myself and i have no one to yap with :( i dont rly have anyone to share my life with rn it's sad.. it's been months..

im not regretting that i cut ties with them lol but idk im just kinda sad. im always changing and outgrowing things and yea growing is a good thing and ive changed a lot for the better but it just sucks how ive never found my people and i still haven't. ive never even had a bf either so literally ive never been loved.. god

ive been told that i'll find my people eventually and yes i believe that 100% but what am i supposed to do when i feel lonely? i always just let myself go thru the sadness of it but it's been kinda long.. i cant be like this always.. n yes maybe my journey rn is about being with myself and not others but what am i supposed to do with the loneliness? ..where do i put it, you know?

ive been meeting ppl though like thru my classes and orgs but we're not close, we just rly work together.. i mean it's a start i guess. but everyone else alr has their own set of friends n crowds and i just dont find myself fitting in with a lot of them bc it's just not me, like im not built like them. and i dont want to change who i am just so i can fit in. and i like the way i am and i dont wanna destroy that or lose myself so.. idk :(

all i can do rn is hope and wait but it's getting real lonely and it kinda hurts that i dont have anyone to share my joy and pain with.. im literally just carrying myself thru it all

-🧚🏼‍♀️

i am so sorry fairy :( i'm sending you a big hug. i promise it'll all come together and you'll find your people. for now try to lean on the people around you that love you and support you and spend a little time with yourself and try to have fun.

don't change yourself. that's boring and fairies aren't boring.

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

Hi, may I get a match-up for the hobbit please? I'm genderfluid they/them) and would like to shipped with a masc character please.

I'm an INFP-A, 9w1. My horoscope is gemini sun, leo moon, and libra rising. All of those are extremely accurate lol. I'm very whimsical and distant, but once you get to know me I'm even MORE whimsical and very emotionally intense lol. I'm a bit of a manic pixie dream girl lol. My intensity usually intimidates people, but otherwise I'm very open and friendly once you get to know me. I'm observant and introspective, which ironically makes it difficult for me to make friends and makes me a bit sensitive. I'm extremely compassionate, empathetic, patient, and understanding. It's one of my worst traits as well, since i struggle with forming boundaries and being angry at people who mightve wronged me. I'm also incredibly indecisive. I'm not a pushover though, and have no problem gently letting ppl know when I disagree with them or something.

The animals that my friends/family say remind them of me are bears and elephants. My favorite color is yellow, and my favorite flowers are honeysuckle and jasmine. My favorite season is a tie between summer and winter, even though I HATE the cold.

With my friends I'm very chaotic and they describe me as "a silly gnome/goblin". When with them i initiate most hangouts and have always been a sort of ring leader.

My giving love language is quality time and words of affirmation. Receiving they are physical touch and quality time.

I come from an abusive household and had to look out for my younger siblings (2 younger sisters and 3 cousins who are basically brothers).I've been through a lot and that's given me a unique perspective on the world and what it means to be alive.

For hobbies I really enjoy reading, crafting, writing poetry and am very good at it, and just spending time outside. I love listening to music and listen to absolutely everything and enjoy it lol. I'm very go-with-the-flow and am down for practically anything and everything at least once. I don't like mean-spirited things/people, the cold, and being man-handled lol.

My style is very hippie/70s with goth influence. I have very long dark straight mahogany hair and blue eyes, and a very small/petite frame (hence not liking being manhandled lol). I'm very pretty in a free-spirited way, and I'm quite graceful.

My ideal type is someone who can get me out of my shell a bit while still appreciating my soft/whimsical side. Someone who can have my back and we can be our inner children together, if that makes sense. I'd do well with someone who could understand me, and help me be the best version of myself. I believe love and empathy are the only things worthwhile in life, in all the various forms they take, despite what I've been through. It terrifies me though, so id need someone to convince me to take that leap with them. Its easy to scare me off as well so someone who could understand how to approach me without overwhelming me would be best. In relationships I'm very much drawn to a twin flame sort of dynamic lol.

((I'm sorry if I did this wrong, I couldn't find any rules through navigation on mobile or anything other than your post about opening match-ups, I'm so sorry if I did this wrong! Thank you so much💗))

you did everything right, no worries!! there actually should be a post on rules and stuff tho so um, i'll have to go check what's wrong with that soon. but you're all good!!

im a bit insecure about just how this turned out, cant really tell if you'll like it but we'll see!

I ship you with...

Fili!

You've known Fili your entire life. You were born at around the same time Kili was and you're pretty sure that's the reason why you're so close to them. It makes sense. Your parents had never been the best and you had a lot of family that you were happy to escape from now and then, plus Dis was lovely and more of a mother to you than yours ever was. So you spent the better part of your childhood with Kili - and with Kili meant with Fili as well, because they came in a package deal. Always.

While Kili grew to be your best friend, much like a brother, Fili... you'd always felt a few butterflies around. You could've written it off as some kind of childhood crush, of an infatuation in your teenage years, but honestly, you'd never quite got over it. You were older now, old enough that you should have long since been normal about the whole thing, old enough to have found work for yourself and left your parents behind. But you were still just as close to Kili and Fili and no, you were not over your crush in the slightest. Over the years, you'd just gotten better at pushing it down and suppressing it.

So you're there with them when Thorin calls on them for the quest of reclaiming Erebor. You're there because you're practically family, because Thorin knows and trusts you, and you're just as quick to agree as his nephews. And why wouldn't you go? You love them all dearly, you'd never been on an adventure before and Erebor was your home too, after all, or would have been at least, under different circumstances. So a few weeks later you start out on a life-changing journey with your two favourite dwarves in the whole world and you're honestly only a bit wistful because you'd had to leave your books and paper behind.

The three of you are a force to be reckoned with. Kili matches your chaotic energy exactly and Fili is - though certainly being the most responsible out of the three of you - still not nearly as responsible as his uncle, so your journey to Bilbo's little home all the way in Bag's End is some of the most fun you've had in your entire life. Daily life with them is obviously great as well, but what with your work and all, you haven't seen them this much in a long, long while.

It quiets down a bit when the rest of the company joins (most of them you know, some of them you can't remember), but you're still enough to get on Thorin's nerves quite a lot. You do make friends with Bilbo, though, who's drawn to just how whimsical and open you are. He may have been a bit put off by your joking about with Kili and Fili at the start, but you have him charmed a few days into your journey. You talk about books and plants and really, anything at all, and by day six you think you may have found a new life-long friend in Bilbo.

But even though you're now spending your time getting to know someone new, you're still as observant as ever, and you notice - of course you do - that the closer you get to Bilbo, the less you see of Fili. Kili is always close by and you certainly spend at least half of your time joking about with him, but whenever you ride or walk next to Bilbo, talking and laughing, Fili seems to disappear somewhere into the background, so much so that you actually have to search for him to spot him. It hurts, a bit, because you can't seem to pinpoint just what's wrong for a while. Wasn't everything just fine when you started out on this journey? Had you said something, done something wrong? You knew this kind of thing from your parents, but never from Fili, especially because he knew about... well, about everything, really, so he knew just how sensitive you could be about things like these. You did your best not to let it bother you too much.

Instead, you focused on Bilbo. He was funny and sweet, intelligent and understanding and for as much as you love the dwarves, for as much as you love your kin, you like that he's not as rough and intense. He's different. And maybe you're a bit different than the rest of the dwarves, too - you'd always been a bit slimmer and smaller and more petite than the rest and maybe that had shaped your personality in some way, too, you weren't sure. Maybe that's why the two of you grew so close in such short time.

You express your feelings for him quite the same way you do for everyone: loud and chaotic, just the way you are. You tell him that he's funny and sweet, intelligent and understanding because that's exactly how you show people that you like them, so, well, you do. But every time when, in the spur of the moment, you give Bilbo a friendly compliment, out of the corner of your eyes you see Fili scoff. You frown and try not to interpret too much into it, but it's hard - after all, you've been doing nothing but interpret and think and imagine because you've kept all of your feelings for Fili bottled up inside of you for your entire life, analysing and wondering if maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny little chance that he liked you that way, too. Not that you've ever really found anything. He was always just Fili.

But not this time. No, not this time. This time he's scoffing and turning away and staring gloomily at you when he thinks you don't notice because you're too deep in conversation with Bilbo. You do, though, definitely, because he's not being as secretive as he thinks he is. You watch him argue with Kili one evening, which you're sure hasn't happened this severely in years. Simply put, he's being weird.

He stomps off and Kili plops down next to you right after - you ask, of course, what's wrong with his brother, but you've asked Kili multiple times already and he simply won't tell you. And as much as Fili's behaviour is upsetting you, you won't go up to him either, because you're not that kind of person that pushes others - you're not even really angry, you rarely are, because whatever the reason is why Fili is behaving this way, there surely is a reason and you know him well enough to be aware that it's a good one too.

It all comes to an end in Rivendell. Most of the dwarves are in a bad mood, Bilbo hasn't been as ecstatic the entire journey and Gandalf seems to be much happier here than travelling, so the company is a bit split when it comes to their opinions on this place. You don't mind it much. You like being clean for once. Bathing had become a luxury. So while the dwarves keep complaining and brooding moodily, you're talking happily with Bilbo and Gandalf.

The elves seem a bit put off by you, but you're used to that, and after a night in Rivendell, when the dwarves have started brooding less and - well, no, they're still complaining just as much - some of the elves are conversing more and more with you. Maybe it's because you're spending most of your time with Bilbo and Gandalf (and Elrond in tow) or maybe it's because you're open and friendly, but either way you're meeting new people left and right. And that's when Fili's behaviour changes yet again.

Instead of staying out of your space and scoffing, suddenly he's by your side everywhere you go, every step you take. You're happy at first, excited that he so surprisingly comes back to you (now you're glad that you weren't all that angry in the first place), but it becomes clear after a few minutes already that he's not there to talk to you very much. It seems that he's made it his mission to stand gloomily beside you, glare at everybody who comes close to you and generally answer everything you say to him with an unmotivated "hmpf". It irritates you.

But when you get woken up by an annoyingly loud knock in the middle of the night, that's it for you. You open the door to see Fili and you're not even angry, you're really just... tired. In every sense. He's standing there in his night clothes and he seems to have had an epiphany of some sort, he looks starstruck and you're so done. You're so done you just pull him in, close the door, get back in bed, pat the empty space next to you and tell him that if he wants to talk, he should do it quickly, before you fall asleep again.

He stands in the middle of your room for so long you've actually almost fallen asleep again when he speaks up. Stuttering, which isn't what you're used to at all when it comes to him, and stumbling over his words, admitting that he's been acting stupid, that he's been acting dumb, admitting that the reason, that reason that you were sure was there, is that he's in love with you. Deeply, desperately, for so long he can't remember a time when he wasn't.

You don't really think you've heard him right but you also don't care. It's too late, you're too tired, he's looking too warm and broad and comfortable and before you can think about much anything, you've reached for him and guided him to your bed and cuddled up to him - he smells familiar, he feels safe, and he's reaching his arms around you and placing a kiss on your hair and telling you good night and somewhere in your hazy mind, you recognise the weird feeling in your stomach as butterflies.

The next morning, you wake up warm and cozy and when you open your eyes, you're facing Fili. You're actually, honestly, truly facing Fili. It takes two seconds to register. Then you feel his breath on your lips and his forehead against yours and your eyes fall closed all by themselves as you listen to him ask if he can kiss you now. You let him. Of course you let him.

You actually do talk it out that morning, though. Between a lot of kisses and a lot of cuddling, there's also a lot of talking. You're a bit nervous (even though that feeling settles after about the third or fourth kiss) but Fili has always been good at convincing you that you were brave and strong enough to do anything, and with the rhythmic stroke of his hand on your arm, the way he beams at you when he makes you giggle, how happily he listens to you talk, all of that convinces you in just a few hours how very right you were to pine for him your entire life.

When you don't show up for breakfast, you guess the others were worried some elf had killed you in your sleep, so Kili comes knocking on your door some time before noon. In full Kili fashion, he doesn't really knock at all, he more like just comes barging into your room, so you have barely enough time to look up before he stands at the foot of your bed with a dumb grin on his face that tells you he was very much aware of what was going on with his brother the past few weeks.

You don't mind. You don't really mind anything anymore. Because you spend your days in Fili's arms now, with his hand in yours and courting braids in your hair, and you're happier than you've ever been before. Now the people you'd always considered family more than your real family did become your real family, a few years after you'd recovered Erebor, on the day that you marry Fili. The happiest day of your life, because Fili made you feel exactly the way you'd always wished he would, because he was exactly what you'd always wanted, because you loved him. And because he loved you.

[heich0e]

if you've sent in an ask lately that i didn't respond to, it may be answered under the cut! i'll be dividing these posts up by general subject matter so no one has to scroll for too long to find any asks they may have sent. feel free to block the tag #liv got mail if you don't like seeing posts like this. i'm sorry to have kept you waiting, and p.s. i love you very much <3

part four: fic stuff, etc. ✉

✉ Anonymous asked: liv no one writes suna like you how am i supposed to go on when you hate him (affectionately)

u should try hating on him too it's very liberating and he's an easy target <3

✉ Anonymous asked: not a day goes by when I don't think about pollute I deeply thank you for making it 🩷😔🙏

ahhhh yes... polluted.... my gang-num opus.... thank u for enjoying one of the nastiest things i have ever written we are in this together now!!

✉ @just-jordie-things asked: hello here like everyone else to make sure you get so much love for your mini series with megumi 🤗🤭 (and also i just binged the rest of your work too 😭 😂) i love your writing style it’s so addicting i feel so involved in your stories. and i just loooove how you write megumi !! excellent work i hope you had fun with it!! have a great day/night 🫶

HI JORDIE!! u are SO KIND!! i am so happy you enjoyed the series (and hopefully whatever else you read!!) and i really really really REALLLLY appreciate you taking a moment to share these sweet words w me. sending u love and endless gratitude!! <3

✉ Anonymous asked: Hey Liv, just wanted to reach out to you

Hopefully you don't feel overwhelmed or something like that regarding your last series and everything that came along with it (also your last asks were... Let's say bizarre), so I just wanted to remind you that while I think you're an amazing writer and love what you post, I do not simply follow you for the content you put out: in fact I've become more an more interested in your persona, I think you're hilarious and witty and kind and I find myself looking forward to even you reblogging art and your keysmashes in the tags

Thank you for being so special Liv!!♥️🤩

this really ought to have gone in the love letter section because it's so incredibly sweet of you to say. u might have questionable taste in girlbloggers but omg your heart is so beautiful and kind :') thank YOU for making me FEEL so special, and for taking the time out of your life to do so. i adore u more than i could ever say and i am sending u roughly 92 MILLION kisses. love u so big.

✉ Anonymous asked: hi liv! whenever u see this i just wanted to say that im sorry u felt like u couldnt continue posting smth u created and had fun making onto ur little corner of the internet that we all have the privilege of sharing w u 🖤 it rlly does hurt when smth we make and are excited to share with others isnt met w the same kind of enthusiasm. even tho it's understandable why some ppl weren't huge fans of ur mini megumi series, im sure it was still a bit hurtful. i just wanted to say that everything you create, no matter who likes or dislikes it, is beautiful and deserving of love and recognition for the effort, time and emotions you put into making it. i hope ur break is relaxing and lovely, and i cant wait to continue supporting u and ur creativity when u get back 🖤🖤🖤

thank u little guy. i appreciate you and these words very very much <3

✉ Anonymous asked: just read the Megumi drabble series and saw your prev asks answering the continuation of it, and let me just say that (a) i LOVED the series it's absolutely adorable and also angsty and (b) i completely understand if you decide not to continue!!!! i just wanted to show some support ❤️❤️ your writing's incredible ❤️❤️ regardless of if it'll continue or not, it was an amazing read!

thank you for reading and enjoying it!! you are so sweet!! sending u a big tight squeeze

✉ Anonymous asked: LOVE YOUR LATEST MEGUMI FIC!!! I know it’s easier said than done but I hope you become more comfortable with posting whatever you want in you little corner of the internet!!!

ahhhhhh i hope so too!! and i am so grateful you enjoyed it!! thank you friend <3

✉ Anonymous asked: I loved the recent series of veterinarian Megumi and his son so much, I loved your writing. I understand you're not going to continue, but I appreciate you writing it anyway.💓

and i appreciate u reading it!!!! and enjoying it!! it means so much to me!! blowing u a big kiss rn

✉ Anonymous asked: hi hi Liv ❤️ I just wanted to say I respect your choice to not post more of your oopsy baby series to prevent others from becoming uncomfortable, and I just hope it doesn’t diminish your own joy for writing and creating.

I think it’s totally fair to acknowledge that you hadn’t included a warning or anything about the kid (almost definitely) being Megumi and reader’s, cuz that happens sometimes! Things slip through! But at the same time people don’t have to keep reading if they get to a point they’re not enjoying it.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I just want you to be happy in your space, so whatever way you choose to achieve that is of course the best choice for you ❤️❤️

hi hi FRIEND!! thank you for such sweet words and for being so understanding and kind. LOVE UUUUUU

✉ Anonymous asked: just wanna compliment you cause its honestly so impressive that you managed to write and outline multiple stories in the past two weeks. you never fail to amaze me with your creativity keep up with the amazing stuff and take care of yourself :)

i feel so SO lucky to have an outlet to dump all my silly little ideas into when they strike, and to have people (like you!!) who are there to enjoy them along with me!! hope you're well sweet thing!!

✉ Anonymous asked: PLEASE GOD YOUR WRITING IS IMMACULATE. LIKE DOWNRIGHT SWEEPING ME OFF MY FEET IN HAPPINESS WHEN I SEE YOU POST IMMACULATE.

write whatever makes you comfortable, parenthood or not because after all, YOU are the one who is writing it and everyone has their own responsibility to scroll if they dont like your comment. anyway, sending lots of love, YOU DESERVE IT ALL!!

WAHHH u are so kind!! sending u a big squish and so much love right back <3 and thank you for such a lovely bit of reassurance i appreciate u!!

[one last note: there were some other asks about the mini megumi series that i wasn't sure if i should include. i never want to post or share anything that someone might interpret as targeted, or alienating, or sensitizing in any way—and i'm ready to move on and not rehash any old wounds. i know they all came from a very kind place, and i am so truly and sincerely appreciative of anyone who reached out to check on me, or support me, or tell me that they enjoyed the series. love u always and tremendously, liv. xx]

[enden-k]

As a person who greatly struggles with naming their characters. HOW?! Wdym they just. Tell you their names

I've had to beat names out of characters with a figurative stick!! I am so flabbergasted and intrigued is it something about your process? Just something about your creativity in general??

Any tips?

i rlly cant tell you how even if i wanted to AHJSCBKJAS thats why i phrased it like that to make ppl visualize it better how it is in my brain??

whenever i design a character it rlly is like they introduce themselves to me once they take shape and gain a face. i create and as i look at them i immediately have a name pop up for them in my mind. that goes for existing/real names and names i made up (for example my more fantasy-ish comics where most of my OCs have made up names based on sounds/vibes/letters that fit them best)

sometimes i try to think of other names but it always comes back to the first name so it rlly is like meant to be the one, that was the case with saran for example. i designed the mf, he gave me his name and i tried coming up with some others later but it all circled back to saran as if he was like "that IS my name, USE IT" idk lol

other times i have a name i want to use and design a character around it (its not that often but that happens sometimes too) that was the case with vika (his name is actually from another OC of mine from a work i abandoned a long while ago, i rlly liked the soft/gentle sound of vikaila and equally soft look of the character so i was like yea, ill reuse the name and boom, unintentionally designed a soft gentle guy bc of the name again LMAO)

when i make a character and theres no name popping up and i actually get stuck with naming them or even have to browse until i find a name that suits them in some way, its usually always a character that lacks smth to me or im not entirely satisfied with. those characters get renamed either a lot or scrapped (or its minor/side characters and idc that much if im not 100% happy with the name)

so yeah basically, its like theyre giving me their names themselves and not me choosing one (which is ofc not possible but again, im phrasing it like that so u get an idea how it feels like in my brain) i dunno rlly how this happens actually, thats just weird brain stuff happening so im afraid i cant give any tips even if i wanted to????

(its also why i reaaaally suck at naming anything other (like helping my sister for example with naming her OCs, naming stuff in games or coming up with usernames for myself etcetcetc). im rlly not good with coming up with names on command, its just tied to my own creations and process idkidk)

i wish i could help!!!! sorry aa

[cicidraws]

its really important to find your own peace especially if you have your own support system and wanna chase the positive things in life. so do i, i try so hard every day to live moment to moment and find positive things to look at when possible. i dont however have a support system.

like yes pls block out ppl who are bringing you down, like i said, find your peace, protect it, etc.

but god im so tired of not benig wanted when im not well. i wanna be loved and cared for during positive, neutral, and negative moments. no i dont have a support system and its hard to deal with me i know that. ive worked on alot of ways i speak and stuff in therapy and all that, ive stopped doing negative kms jokes years ago bc it is directly impactful to your mind. i know that i dont have support, or a happy home to be in. buti m so tired of being alone. and people leaving as soon as i dont feel well for a week straight. thats just too long for them, idk.

i love my old friends regardless and miss them. or anyone ive come across in the past. but im sorry i wasnt able to keep the false mask of positivity all the time, and that i have no choice but to feel my emotions or else something bad will happen to me. im sorry im not happy anymore. im hanging by a thread and i want nothing more for you and anyone than to be happy in your own life and choose to be around who you do, and protecting peace. but i wont deny feeling empty and achy for things i dont have that others do. i listen to others as much as possible and want them to come to me for things who im close to. just as much as theyve listened to me.

i just dont know what to do anymore, i have nothing to look foreward to, i have no escape when i have bad moments. i just have me and my desk and just sitting here all day every day, no matter the changes i make in the day it doesnt ever change. bc no matter what im living in this hellhole and cant take care of myself either. and i dont have anyone to talk to irl.